#i haven't ever re-read it because i just know its so bad | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

momthewolfstareader · 13 days

Text

The Evolution Of A Wolfstar Girlie

(with my fic recommendations)me aged 10-23: there will never be a book I like more than Harry Potter. I love books and read all the time but Harry Potter is above anything. Reread HP everytime I am feeling down.

me aged 24-30: I lost the ability to read for pleasure. Just read to my kids and A LOT for work.

me at 31: *after a random tiktok video* Sirius and Remus were TOGETHER together?! Never even crossed my mind!!!

But... I get it.

But like... JKR didn't write it. Fanfic is just amateurs writing, right? I have enough of reading as is, I have to read for my job (I'm a translator).

But... They promised it's a HP experience. And I do have an eReader... It costs nothing to try it.

But... What the hell is ao3? What is smut??? Fluff??? HEA? MCD??? Cannon?? AU? Excuse me, is this English?!

The following then happend over 2 months time:

📖 Reading All the Young Dudes

OK, this is really very much like HP. I am getting hooked. This is ACTUALLY what happend, right? Like this is amazingly written. How is this not a real book? (What IS a real book and how do I not know this being a book translator?!) Are Sirius and Remus getting together in this one?

Oh my!

Actually, I've not been this obsessed with a book in like 10+ years.

Reading all through the night (with three kids, mind you, so a very stupid idea)

🎶Love this music!!! Have always loved rock, Queen, Beatles, Bowie, led Zeppelin… You name it. But this makes it better!!!

Finishing ATYD: OMG! OMG! I AM OBSESSED. They need to be together forever. I need to re-read it.

A SEX SCENE in Harry Potter?! EXCUSE YOU! Like… Didn't know I needed that. Thank you.

Of course they had teenage sex at that school. Yes to a giant snake killing people with its sight and no to some friendly petting? Yeah, sure, JKR! Be for real! Never thought about it like that before. And of course they had parties. And smoked (weed) and did drugs. Like… It's a boarding school for heaven's sake! this is much more realistic. Finally know what smut is and I am here for it.

I want a cigarette SO BAD right now (haven't smoked for YEARS)

googling specifics of gay sex because I never thought about it (and I live in a very conservative country) (and like I had QUESTIONS, excuse you, like can you just do butt stuff without prep?!)

finding 📖 explicit one-shots from ATYD

📖 Reading ATYD sirius's POV:

This is ALSO good. So... fanfics on the internet can just... be amazing, right? How has this existed for years and I did not know about it?? Sirius is obsessed LOL. He fell first and he fell harder, the poor boy.

My husband is SO MUCH like Remus. (personality-wise). Guess I know my type, lol.

These fanfics are written better than majority of books I've read. I'm utterly amazed.

📖 Reading Out of the Blue and Bootleg Tapes:

OK, I needed some healing. Happy for Grant and all. But I need wolfstar more.

📖 We could be heroes (finding out what a "fix-it fic" is)

Yes! Wolfstar endgame! A happy ending! Yes!!

Intrusive thoughts: Is ATYD wolfstar like… toxic?

Are they ever happy?

Don't go there, brain!!

Trying to heal with 📖Manacled, then DMATMOOBIL.

Like Dramione. But wolfstar is far superior.

Also have to note that Draco is amazing in bed.

Not a sentence I've ever thought I utter or think. Ever.

Finding 📖 Cadence Of Part-time Poets

sceptical.

How can muggle AU be good? Don't I like all this because of the magic?

Reading it, re-reading it.

Buying an e-cigarette (cause I have to DEAL ffuck's sake and they smoke in like every second scene and ecigarrete is the least of all evil)

Obsessing.

Cannot get enough.

Best. Thing. Ever. Written.

Somehow more magic than magic U.

DOES REGULUS LIKE JAMES?

Seeing the possibilities of Jegulus (is everyone gay in the end? Excuse me, Am I GAY at this point ?)

THE MUSIC OMG THE MUSIC IS MUSICING!!! I am in love with the music! How are Marauders not a band in cannon?! Like that's obviously what they were always supposed to be! Lottie, Simon, Tonya, Tomny… They ARE cannon for me lol. They were there and you cannot convince me otherwise.

Cannot read more, afraid I will lose this Cadence feeling. Just re-reading the best scenes over and over. Stalking motswolo's tumblr. Consuming all there is about Cadence out there. Trying to talk to people about it but noone reads fanfics here!

Can we like start a gofund me for them to get therapy??? I want to see them diagnosed, aware of their traumas and forever together.

Also, why is Remadora a thing? Thank god it wasn't in Cadence (yet) but sometimes i remember it exists and like… vomit internally. Gosh, I rly hate JKR. She just did it to discourage Wolfstar.

getting to read 📖 Black Mass Over Highway 90:

Very sceptical at first.

It's American… and Marauders are essentially English. Remus somewhere in Texas… of all places? Afraid this won't be my cup of tea... Cowboy Remus?! wtf

OMG.

This scene basically porn… right? Why do I LOVE THIS?!

Remus is DADDY! Officer Moons!!! He can get it. Like omg. Cowboy Lupin FTW!!

THIS IS the SMUT, RIGHT?! Like do I even want to watch porn at this point? How am I - a cis female in a hetero relationship of 14 years with 3 kids - finding this SO HOT?!

📖 Reading Blends

Also very sceptical.

But... it's so sweet! Is this fluff? Am I discovering fluffy fics? Now, this is comfort reading! Coffe-shop AU? Like, this is where I want to die, my friends! This is so sweet, so incredibly sweet, and I DO NOT miss Voldy and his stupid war one bit, like to hell with him, he can order an Americano and Remus will decaf him at this point!

I am in LOVE!

📖 Reading Names (Blends sequel) because can you do anything else at this point?

Now this is... a whole other thing. It is fluffy, yes. But it goes deeper. And... wider somehow?

It's the first WIP I give a chance.

Cluster headaches are an AMAZING parallel to lycantrophy.

HOW exactly are people this talented just out there publishing fanfics?!

And this "slice of life" thing IS doing it for me. Like really.

📖 Reading Crimson Rivers

Is there anything else besides angst in this?

Wait, James likes... Regulus?!

discovering Jegulus -

wow. I am utterly amazed... cannot put this down at any point of the day. Reading while breastfeeding, reading all through the night. Reading all through the day. Learning how to read and braid my hair at the same time.

I keep thinking - why DO I love gay man/boys stories? How did it come to this? How is this FREE? How do I GIVE BACK to these AMAZING authors that are just doing incredible things for me? Like this is everything I've ever wanted from a book... and they're not even getting paid for this?!

📖 Reading a bunch of short fics inbetween (honorable mentions: Like Real People Do, That's the Art of Getting by, Led by Light of a Star Sweetly Gleaming, Pages of You - discovering Drarry, thinking Drarry is less angst because there's less homophobia in the 90s,

📖 Reading Only the Brave

OK, it's Jegulus, let's give it a chance...

OMG

I feel like ever since getting into this fandom, I'm just falling and falling and falling. Falling... In love.

This is so good, you guys. I love JEGULUS!

But as long as WOLFSTAR are together, I can deal (took them half a fic to get together, so please don't do anything stupid!)

I. CANNOT. STOP. READING. WOLFSTAR.

In every universe.

Wolfstar & fanfic taught me not to have any prejudice. And I also discovered that I was quite prejudiced without being aware of it!

I can read anything with those two... just don't break my heart and just let them be together.

Wolfstar made me read again and actually enjoy it. It's been several thousands of pages in a couple of months and I don't regret the lack of sleep…

They are soulmates. In every universe. I don't know what this fetish is called but I need them to be together, see them together, read them together. Love them both. Just need them to be happy.

I am completely amazed at the sheer power the internet has, that an online community has. This is my new obsession and I am utterly devoted to it. It taught me and gave me SO MUCH. I will forever be learning how to give anything back.

Thank you.

39 notes · View notes

differenteagletragedy · 6 months

Note

i was reading through your blog and omg musicals!!!! a theater kid, myself, i'd love if you'd write some headcanons about a broadway/musical star mc, if its not too close to your famous mc headcanons! also, i'd love to hear if you think the ol1 boys can sing and who would help mc practice (both lines and singing)! also who would sing along with mc while they're doing chores/housework/etc or if they'd just listen/hum/etc! you can just assume theyre poly with mc for this, if it makes it easier! :)

Listen. Listen. I love this so much. I am also a theatre kid (so much that I am forced to spell it with the "re" at the end) and I have many thoughts.

Also, Bobby from Company is Baxter after he reconnects with MC and friends, with an MC that ends up with Cove or Derek and this is just a fact. Evidence:

youtube

This is a video of single Baxter with his ten friends in five couples: Cove and MC, Derek and Tamarack, Terry and Miranda, Jude and Scott, and Qiu and OLNF MC.

ANYWAY.

-- Cove is such a fanboy. He's there to see your shows literally every time he can make it and will be disappointed if he can't come. He knows all the words to all the songs and a lot of the dialogue too. He is so proud.

-- Did you get to make a recording of your show? Try to get Cove to play something else in the car, I dare you.

-- Derek is also a big big fan, he is telling anyone who will listen about how he's your friend/boyfriend/husband. Jorge might have to tell him to chill a little bit but he's just so EXCITED.

-- He will make a point to pick you up after your evening shows. The crew knows him, so he just comes backstage after and will walk with you out the stage door. It's late and people are unpredictable, and he wants to keep you safe.

-- Baxter, surprise, also a big fan! If you started Broadway after the breakup in Step 3 then he may not figure it out, Broadway stars aren't as mainstream as movie or pop stars, for example. But he'll obviously find out when you're brought back together in Step 4 and he'll have some much research to do on you during those lost years!

-- He'll be streaming your recordings and just feeling so many things.

-- But maybe in Step 3 you've decided to pursue your theatrical dreams! A last summer at home before you move to New York, perhaps. Let Baxter take your headshots for you! He will be so good at it. He will also style you.

-- If this is the case, that you move after Step 3, I don't think Cove will move too. He could! But I can't picture him leaving the California coast. Long distance love. He and Cliff come in to see your big shows.

-- Cliff cries. Cove does too, he got it from his dad.

-- Maybe Derek will blow off a big game because it's his only chance to come see you. He feels bad about it, but he's not going to miss your big moment.

-- I haven't thought about this too much shut up

-- Boys at the Tonys! Baxter is going to KILL IT. I've talked about this with the general famous MC stuff lol, the awards show stuff, but he's going to dress to impress. So will Derek, this is very important and the boy who wore a polka dot bowtie at 13 isn't going to pull out any stops.

-- You're going to have to tell Cove to button all his buttons though, it's not the time for your cleavage baby

-- I think Baxter is the only one who could carry a tune, but he wouldn't try to get technically good. Cove is bearable with his singing. Derek really is not, but he has so much fun with it that no one would ever tell him to stop.

-- They'll all help you with your lines. Derek might actually learn lines instead of reading them from a script so he can help you practice while he's driving or something. And yeah, that's a lot, but that's just who he is.

-- If you're just having fun singing, in the car or doing chores or whatever, then they'll all sing with you. But if they catch you really going for it in the shower or something, they will all just stop and listen because oh my GOD

#our life beginnings and always #cove holden #derek suarez #baxter ward

41 notes · View notes

lia404 · 1 month

Text

Get to know me better game—2 in 1 because I'm 6 months late

Tagged by: @baratrongirl and @missmewachu

Thanks for being so patient while I was figuring out how Tumblr works again and why I had a blue dot beside "Activity" (as in, notifications about tag games I've been sent 6 months ago. Better late than never 🤦‍♀️) Thankfully the tag games you sent my way are very similar so it won't be hard to do 2 in 1!

Last song I listened to: Chipzel - Courtesy - YouTube

The 1st track of Super Hexagon, composed by Chipzel. Chipzel's music has been a pick-me-up since 201...4 I think? And since I fell back into Super Hexagon around a week ago, the music has also found its way back into my work playlist.

Currently reading: Trick question! There is what I am MEANT to read, and what I am ACTUALLY reading.

What I am MEANT to read is To Shape a Dragon's Breath, by Moniquill Blackgoose, which has absolutely all the elements I need to love a book. The problem is that my brain absolutely refuses moving further than Chapter 1, and I've been stuck for MONTHS. The good news is that when it happens, I usually struggle until the moment my brain finally snaps and I read the whole book in an afternoon. Wait for me, Moniquill Blackgoose, I'll soon be raving about your book.

What I am ACTUALLY reading is... well, it's more re-reading, but I'm going through Happy Hour by Inkflavored and Keep the Light Shining by Clydeside, two Yu-Gi-Oh AUs that have been incredibly healing for me in the past months, for very different reasons. I wanted to re-experience them to see if I could turn them into fanbinding projects (if the authors give me the authorisation of course, but I haven't reached this level of confidence yet, let's give it time.)

Currently watching: Yu-Gi-Oh! VRAINS.

Do you believe me if I tell you that it was an accident? It kinda was though! I wasn't the one who played the first episodes I just kept going afterwards. That said, I have fully adopted Yusaku. I kind of wish he could meet Philip from Kamen Rider W. Things would go so well.

Currently writing: this one is plain cruel, because after a drought spell of almost 2 years, I finally feel like getting back into writing (thank you, current obsession.)

I have 3 WIPs, one PWP because I like a challenge, one backstory of a character that has basically become my OC, and one AU that @wisyhana created and that I'm using as a wonderful sandbox. I am between 2k and 5k into each, nothing is complete, I'm losing my mind. But at least I'm writing again, right?

Spicy/sweet/savoury: Okay yes no it's cruel again and you will not make me pick just one.

If you've followed me these past years you know that I have completely lost my sense of taste between 2020 and 2023. I was lucky enough, and honestly even the specialised doctor said it was a miracle, to have most of it come back to me abruptly in March 2023, after 3 years unable to enjoy a bit of chocolate or a nice gratin. Some tastes are lost forever, but so few compared to what came back that I just can only be very very grateful and very confident in saying SPICY SWEET SAVOURY I'LL TAKE THEM ALL. I LOVE TASTES. ALL OF THEM.

Relationship status: I have been told polyamory looks good on me.

And I am lucky to have the most patient and tolerant lovers ever. EVER. I love them so much and I'm so bad at showing it because I am a mess. There isn't a day where my heart doesn't overflow with gratitude that they are in my life and agree to putting up with my bullshit.

Current obsession: Listen, Mew put it SO ELOQUENTLY I can help but quote:

mentally ill traumatised japanese teenagers and their ancient egyptian guys who hang out in their jewellery all playing card games.

So, yeah, current obsession is Yu-Gi-Oh!, and with it Duel Links, and everything children-card-game-adjacent. I am currently trying to figure out why everyone in this kid's show is so hot and delightfully traumatised. Characters after my own heart, all ready to be projected on and used for cathartic writing purposes. Other obsession is MEW'S FAULT TOO ACTUALLY since it's my newly founded Clan in Flight Rising. Ask me about my dragon Atem.

Favourite colour: I like my colour like my wine—burgundy. (I actually like all sort of shades of purple, violet and red, but I don't know how to list them.)

Tagging: Wow uh who do I know around here who is still active?

@twilightknight17 for sure (although I'm sure you already did it), @wingsonghalo maybe? Uuuh, I think @the-wanderer-of-thoughts and @istadris? You know, considering how inactive I am here, I think it's already a lot, but if you're not in the list and want to do it too, be my guest!

#lia blabla #tag game #it's been weeks and i still have no idea what i am doing #why is formatting such a nightmare #and sorry this is so long wow #do people really actually read these things or are they here for the writer to pause and consider how they'd answer #lia in fandoms #i promise next time i figure out how to insert cuts in posts i thought it was something that was automatic

9 notes · View notes

melishade · 15 days

Text

Attack on Prime Chapter 90: The Big Twist

Spoilers ahead if you haven't read the chapter. I recommend that you do if you haven't.

So.....

let’s talk about Primus. Eh?

So looking back on the Transformers franchise as a whole, Primus himself isn't really capitalized on. In a few of the shows, he’s only name-dropped or doesn’t even exist like TFA. In shows like TFP and the book the Covenant of Primus, he is alluded to and even given a brief backstory of his and Unicron’s origins before shifting gears to the Primes and their dynamics, but never makes an on screen appearance. He’s shown as the core and that’s it. We don’t know what he looks like in the Aligned Continuity. I think there is a toy out for him, but it was never said to be official. The only Transformers content that really explores on Primus is the IDW comics. Where Primus has aligned himself with three other transformer deities, but one of them got really angry with him for some reason and as punishment, got rid of his god powers, made everyone forget ever knowing him after he so much as left the room. (Look my info on IDW is spotty. I never got the chance to read the comics in full. Although god being a therapist is hilarious).

Besides IDW, there aren’t many interpretations or characterizations of Primus, which is a damn shame, considering we’ve always seen Unicron in almost all Transformers iterations. So it was something that I’ve always wanted to take a crack at: putting my own spin on the creator of the Transformers. I wanted to bring him into Attack on Prime, but before the AOT story was completed, I had no clue how to bring Primus into the story without it sounding so contrived and out of nowhere. I couldn’t have him pop out in the sky, tell everyone to stop fighting, and then have him leave, confusing everyone. It wouldn’t have made sense. In fact, I was all but ready to scrap the idea for AOP…until the Paths chapters dropped in the AOT manga, and I realized:

And I immediately got to work on how to incorporate Primus into the story while also making it make sense. Which took a while. I’ve worked on multiple rewrites of Primus’ character and his interactions with Eren and Zeke before creating the final draft for the chapter. I started my brainstorming of my characterization of Primus in late 2019 with the document titled RELGN 132 (which was the title of a religion course I took at UCLA, so fairly on the nose). So yeah, I’ve been working on it for 4+ years.

But first let’s talk about the multiple lead up I’ve had up until this point, because again, I’m meticulous with my foreshadowing. Chapter of foreshadowing include:

Chapter 45 Chapter 69 Chapter 70 Chapter 72 Chapter 77 Chapter 81 Chapter 82 Chapter 86

(And a bunch of other additional chapter do have foreshadowing and there is a small inkling of Primus' presence, and I might explain that later, but I want to see if people can piece it together by re-reading the chapter. If not, then I'll probably just say it outright, IDK.)

But, some moments might’ve been noticeable, some not so much. I knew that I didn’t want Primus’ introduction in the Paths to feel out of nowhere. Eren and Zeke are talking and suddenly this guy just pops out of nowhere. I needed him to be alluded to, which is where the 4th notebook and Pieck come in, oh and also Unicron. Well, at least Unicron's powerset.

In the Covenant of Primus, Primus and Unicron are said to come from the same being: The One, who split apart due to its own internal conflict regarding the state of the universe. If Primus and Unicron come from the same being, they must have the same abilities. Or similar abilities at least. One of the abilities should include: using their blood to communicate with others who carry their blood. Dark energon flows through Unicron while energon flows through Primus. Through energon, all Cybertronians are connected and return to the place they spawned from after their death, regardless of how good or bad their intentions were. If this concept can apply to Cybertronian, surely it could apply to titan shifters, who’s powers even defy death itself on some level. Once all the titan shifters, or at least the Founder, had access to energon, Primus had access to them, and would have found a way to enter the Paths, either through his own power or Vector’s help, since the Paths operate outside of space time. (Primus himself will provide a brief explanation in the Paths II. And the In Between OVA that I keep bringing up, is simply AOP from Primus' perspective. God I am so happy I can say that now!)

But because the Paths operate outside of space and time and the fact that the full powers of the Founder hadn't been utilized on the flow of time, Primus lacked the tools he needs to figure out what the hell was going on or even eliminate the power of the titans. He is flung through the memories and lives of each titan shifter; however, some memories are blocked from him and he doesn’t know why. And because of Primus lack of control, he can’t properly interact with the world around him. He can only interact with other titan shifters as a distorted image. A shadow. He can’t give so much information to Kruger and Pieck. He can only provide images, hidden clues because of the barrier between them. And Primus wants to learn about the truth of the AOT world, so he sees through their eyes and listens to their stories. Even when Kruger and Pieck interact with Primus and even touch him, they are met with a warm, gentle, touch of comfort. Something to show that he is other worldly. In addition to that, the allusion to the overlap of voices, how Primus knows about even that happened thousands of years into the past, his glowing blue eyes, how he forces Kruger to feel the pain and suffering of the people he turned into titans, how Primus had called Megatron and Arcee by name before asking Pieck to believe in Optimus, proclaiming he would be the one to end the power of the titans. The longer Primus is on screen as the shadow, the more ‘in your face’ the information becomes. If you haven’t pieced together the shadow is Primus, then at the very least, you know that the shadow is Cybertronian.

Other pieces of information that are not so subtle, is actually the local therapist Rung in the Cybertron OVA. If you know your transformers lore, then you should know that Rung is Primus. That was one of the obvious bits of information that I was incorporating here. Some of the interactions that Rung has includes him not batting an eye when Starscream lashes out at him and catches the energon cube with such ease that he completely forgets to react the way a normal person would. The scene that Rung had alone where he looks at the Jackhammer in a remorse manner, almost as if he knows what’s going to happen but can’t do anything about it. Finally, when Rung places a comforting hand on Arcee, Arcee notes that the hand feels warm and comforting, and she feels a swell of emotions. Ya know, like every other interaction he’s had with humans on screen. Not to mention that Rung recommended that Arcee leave the planet on purpose because of prior knowledge of the AOT world because I’ve hinted at the fact that Primus in the story right now is from a time where the events of AOT haven’t happened yet. Right before he sends Optimus (Of course, this will be explain more cohesively within the In between OVA, which is going to focus on Primus and what’s he’s been doing throughout the AOP story).

More subtle bits of information when foreshadowing Primus’ role in the story is the drawing of Optimus Prime’s holoform, or rather Primus, from the 4th notebook. The drawing is led to believe and cement the fact that the Attack Titan can see into the future. Which is true, Primus’ appearance in the story is a future event, however, I have to make a note that what they are looking at is not Optimus. It’s Primus wearing Optimus’ face. So I had to have someone who would take notice of the way that Primus is wearing Optimus’ face. Erwin had to be the observation because he’s the only human that has been known to notice those subtle details and connections. He of course brought this up with Megatron and Megatron does notice the difference. But the drawing is not Megatron’s concern, assuming that someone trying to interpret someone from memory is going to get a few details wrong. Also, they have other priorities to take care of besides a drawing from the past. Megatron and ultimately Erwin let it go, but I’m letting the audience know, something is clearly up. Adding on top of that, Kruger has never met Optimus, but he had seen the shadow’s face before dying. That should be another indicator that it’s not Optimus. It’s the shadow. It’s Primus.

Finally, the more subtle indication of Primus’ presence in the story is the conversation that Eren and Kenshin had about the existence of gods in general. While Kenshin believes that god exists, Eren does not. He critiques god and believe god to be hypocritical while Kenshin believes that god cares and wants the creation to live freely. It’s supposed to be an engaging conversation while also hinting at the fact that Eren’s definitely going to talk to a deity with his mentality and future visions and get the crap kicked out of him.

I’m certain that I missed something but what I’ve wanted to say but the foreshadowing of Primus is there, and I wanted it to be clear. However, Primus’ characterization is something I wanted to discuss for a long time too. Again, we don’t know much about Primus’ character besides Rung, and I didn’t want him to be a stoic deity. That’s boring. I wanted to have some fun. I wanted Primus to be the complete opposite of Unicron. While Unicron is haughty and prideful, Primus is kind and humble. While Unicron loathes the idea of existence and wants death and destruction, Primus believes in life and creation. Unicron believes that everything is beneath him while Primus sees the value of even the smallest living thing. Unicron believes in working alone, and that he is the most powerful being. No one else should have his power. Primus believes in cooperation, unity, and sharing his power. Unicron wants to destroy the universe, Primus wants to be a part of it.

With that in mind, I was able to write a characterization of Primus: a gentle, kind being that cares deeply for the lives of others that may or may not even be his own. Someone who gets excited at the prospect of learning new things about new beings, someone who mourns the loss of life, and someone who gets angry at the prospect of someone wanting to take that life away. Someone who genuinely tries to understand the individual and their experiences in order to truly understand the meaning of life.

However, there is a fatal flaw to Primus. People I've talked with in the transformers fandom, myself included, have criticized Primus for his own inaction during the war. He gave the Matrix to Optimus, sure, but he did nothing to stop the War in its tracks or even stop the caste system from taking place. Why didn’t he help out Megatron and his people? Why didn’t he stop Megatron when he had gone insane? Why did he make Optimus shoulder all his responsibilities twice? Why does Primus not step in when there are life-threatening events that could destroy the universe? The very thing he values and wants to be part of? It’s very simple: Primus is an immortal deity, with powers to see beyond the veil of time and defy reality if he wanted to but chooses not to based on the safety of the whole universe and every living creature. A personal theory I've come up with is the Unicron prophecy in TFP. Unicron was set to reawaken on Earth, but Cybertron doesn’t know about Earth until the war happens. Sure, if the war didn’t happen, the caste system could have been fixed and Cybertron could have been a better place to live, but Unicron would have awakened with no one to stop him and would have destroyed the whole universe, Cybertron included. It’s an example of Primus trying to see the bigger picture and that’s where his flaw lies. When seeing the bigger picture, he ignores the sufferings of mortals who lead very limited lives compared to him. Primus has all the time in the universe to figure everything out, but not Cybertron, and not everyone else. His purpose even if Cybertron is destroyed is to battle Unicron once more. It’s an endless cycle. But Primus ends up missing the point that he wants to understand. There’s a quote from Steven Universe’s character Sapphire that encapsulates this perfectly:

“I keep looking into the future when all of this has already been solved, as if it doesn’t matter how you feel in the present. No wonder you think I don’t care.”

The meaning of life to a mortal is vastly different to that of an immortal. As a result, Primus will never fully understand them and can’t be part of the universe like he wants to. He cannot live and die like they can. But even so, he still tries to, and that’s what makes him all the more understanding. This is what I want to encapsulate for my characterization of Primus in AOP. Now he has to confront two titan shifters with their own flaws and failings: one that wishes to die, and one that wishes to destroy. And he is not happy with either of them trying to play god out of selfishness.

(There's other things that I want to discuss, like Primus' design and other actions within the story, but I think I'll take care of that tomorrow. Still if you haven't, please leave a comment. That would be greatly appreciated. And I encourage you to read back through AOP to find those clues of Primus' presence.

Not to mention, chapter 45 isn't Primus' first appearance.)

13 notes · View notes

bettsfic · 7 months

Text

(Love on Display is the series name for ASE and its sequel)

okay so for this commentary i went through my ASE tag to read the asks i'd gotten about it because i can't really remember the whole process, and found this response i'd written:

you know how like when you read or watch something, you kind of look for the character you relate to most? when i was rereading the hunger games last month i was thinking, i don’t relate to a single one of you bitches. and then annie shows up like “nope nope nope i can handle exactly 0% of this bullshit” and i was just, ah there i am

looking back on my mental health issues, the irony is that i was writing about madness in a time i was actually pretty stable, despite the pandemic being in full swing. i remember writing ASE throughout summer, sitting on my grandma's porch swing and admiring her garden, going inside only when it got dark enough for the fireflies to come out. at the time, i was approaching my third year of rejections on the original fiction front; i'd been querying agents for over a year and submitting short stories, and i felt like i wasn't getting anywhere. i was also about to start a phd program, which i was apprehensive about, to say the least. i wish i'd listened to that "i have a bad feeling about this" instinct.

tbosas had just come out (to almost no attention or acclaim; even now with the film coming out in a couple weeks, the gifsets i've been reblogging don't get a lot of traffic and the tag only has 250 fics in it) and so i read it, loved it, and immediately re-read the hunger games with the new lens of snow's origin story.

the hunger games is one of the few things that i think is completely worth the hype. it's a beautifully written series and i really admire it. tbosas i thought was even better, because it felt like suzanne collins had full creative control. it's not easy writing a villain origin story and i think she really managed to thread the needle with coriolanus as a POV character who is really the antagonist of two protagonists whose POVs we don't have access to.

anyway as soon as i finished re-reading the hunger games, i went back to read the one thg fic i'd written after the film series concluded, the baker's son. it wasn't as bad as i remembered it, because 2015-16 were the years i was really starting to figure out how to write, so everything from that time in my memory is hand-wavy at best. but i remember thinking, this could have been really good if i'd just taken my time with it.

back then, i never took my time with anything. i had so many ideas that i had to churn through them in order to get to the next one. when you're just starting out writing, you haven't followed through on enough ideas to know how to sort through them properly and find the ones that have legs. so i was still learning how to control my attention.

and so ASE marked a huge change in the way i viewed my own work and the reception thereof. i was getting nowhere in publishing, i was no longer in one single fandom and so i didn't really have a community, and i finally realized the only guarantee i would ever have is my own joy. that changed everything.

i know i'll always love the hunger games, because i genuinely believe it's good. it's engaging and entertaining and meaningful. before, i'd written for canons i actually didn't like, because communities had formed around them and i was inspired by what i felt was unmet potential in canon. but i know i'll never rewatch supernatural or the 100. in fact i didn't finish either of them. with big fandoms, sure, i get more traffic and comments. but i'd stopped writing for traffic and comments. i wrote ASE because it was fun, and i knew in 10 years i'd read the hunger games again, and i would want my perfect fixit fic. and i would want it to be long, and well thought out, and something i could be proud of.

i've kept that "i'm writing for my 40 year old self" mentality for all my writing. at 40, i want to look back at what i wrote at 30 and know it was time well spent because it made me happy during a hard time in human history. it's a lot easier to make creative decisions when you're writing for an audience of your future self.

with tbosas coming out soon, i'm hoping to finish the coriojanus fic i started in 2020 (i think it's 7k?). and looking back through my ASE tag i also saw how many ideas i had for finnick POV and i could see myself fiddling around with a few of those prompts eventually.

#ase #tbosas #bomb time

12 notes · View notes

apocalypticavolition · 11 months

Text

Let's (re)Read The Eye of the World: Prologue

I haven't reread the whole of the series ever (my last reread was in preparation for the finale), so with the books getting more popular and the show simultaneously entertaining me and getting my goat I figured I'd jump onto the bandwagon and maybe get some validation from internet strangers. As the title states, this is a reread, so I will be spoilering the hell out of everything, so if you're a show only fan or still working your way through the books, please run away screaming (but tell your friends!).

...

Okay now that I can no longer hear any screams, let's get into things. I first started reading The Wheel of Time in 2003 in middle school, catching up in time to read New Spring when it debuted and the subsequent novels after (except oddly, Towers of Midnight, which I didn't get around to until the finale was right around the corner, so I guess my longest reread only goes up to book 12 technically). It's probably my outright favorite fantasy world and has a lot of characters I love - in fact, at times I feel I don't quite fit into the fandom because I don't have an irrational disdain of any of the common hate sinks bar maybe Gawyn, and even then some people are making me like him a little bit more so I don't know what I'm going to do then.

That said, like most readers who came of age in the 21st century, I do have a lot of problems with Jordan's worldview. It's a rather interesting friction: the man was definitely trying to write a world without the sexism of our modern era (and to a lesser extent other prejudices as well), and yet he could never rise above them himself. I'll probably spend a lot of time talking about this kind of stuff and what might have been done instead.

Likewise, when we reach the inevitable Slog (and sorry people who didn't start reading until the series was finished, it's real), I'll be talking a lot about how the plot might be adjusted for brevity and, once we reach the Sanderson era virtually everything I want to talk about will be magnified tenfold because as much as I enjoyed his efforts at the time, I've greatly soured on him as an author in general and as Jordan's heir in specific since.

But for now, let's focus on what's important: The Eye of the World's first prologue: Dragonmount.

The palace still shook occasionally as the earth rumbled in memory, groaned as if it would deny what had happened.

As first sentences go, I'm not in love. It's not bad, but it's just a little too vague; "the palace" doesn't really give my mind's eye much to work with because they can vary so much depending on when and where they were built. It ends well though.

The dead lay everywhere, men and women and children, struck down in attempted flight by the lightnings that had flashed down every corridor, or seized by the fires that had stalked them, or sunken into stone of the palace, the stones that had flowed and sought, almost alive, before stillness came again.

Despite its length, a sentence like this would work better to me as the start. It's shocking and terrifying; this is a level of violence we won't see channelers pull off until much later in the series.

The mind-twisting had struck at the core, ignoring peripheral things.

This feels pretty on-theme for the story, really. The Shadow tries to subvert the major powers of the world but its defeat is primarily orchestrated by a bunch of farmers.

The edge of his pale gray cloak trailed through blood as he stepped across the body of a woman, her golden-haired beauty marred by the horror of her last moments, her still-open eyes frozen in disbelief.

Well I made it four quotations before we needed to talk about feminism so that's... more than I expected, really. Meet Ilyena, a character so posthumous that despite being part of a prologue 3,500 years before the main story she's still already dead by the time it starts! Obsessing over dead women is probably one of the biggest complaints this series gets and boy does it deserve it. Despite electricity being long gone, our characters have no shortage of fridges.

That said, I do want to note that as it stands in this book, things aren't that bad. In this book. See, in this book, Ilyena isn't the only victim - the children she and Lews had are also among the dead, as are quite a lot of other people who just happened to live or work in the palace or were visiting. Except for the use of LTT's title "Kinslayer", none of them will be mentioned again after this book - in fact, the non-family members are completely forgotten after the prologue. But again, that's jumping ahead. In this book, Ilyena is about providing a specific name and face to the tragedy, humanizing all of the victims by proxy in a way that, "Twelve hours after saving the world, Lews Therin went insane and killed two hundred and sixty-five people including all of his blood relatives," does not.

...brought by merchants from across the World Sea...

We talk a lot about how Jordan was too immersed in southern culture to understand how its gender roles were about as universal as Mongolian throat singing, but not enough about how he's too immersed in globalized petro-fascist markets based on maximizing inefficiencies for the global elite to use to extract wealth to understand why a real planetary utopia living in harmony with nature wouldn't be shipping luxury goods across the ocean when there's perfectly fancy fabrics to make at home and anyway the Green Men should be able to help silkworms thrive anywhere if you're that desperate for something breathable.

On the other hand, points to him for not going crazy about Gateways and assuming that all global trade could be handled by teleportation just because they're a fun tool. I will have a lot to say about Gateways as we approach the authorial transition.

For a moment he fingered the symbol on his cloak, a circle half white and half black, the colors separated by a sinuous line. It meant something, that symbol.

Even now though, it means something other than what it once meant (being the sign of the seals on the Dark One's prison) and before too much longer it will pick up two more meanings, one for each half. The Wheel turns and the world changes.

Behind him the air rippled, shimmered, solidified into a man who looked around, his mouth twisting briefly with distaste.

Props to Ishamael for clearly Traveling with the True Power even this early on in the series.

Not so tall as Lews Therin, he was clothed all in black, save for the snow-white lace at his throat and the silverwork on the turned-down tops of his thigh-high boots.

Thigh-high boots! <3 (Seriously Ishy how can you want to destroy the world you can express your fashion sense in?)

Also note how this contrasts the Aes Sedai symbol described earlier. There's a little bit of white though, because it can't be helped even by the Shadow.

It will soon be time for the Singing, and here all are welcome to take part.

One detail from the Sanderson novels whose origin I'm uncertain of but like regardless of who came up with it is Rand's claim that the AoL was NOT paradise and that it was rotting from within even before the Dark One got involved. The latter half of this sentence suggests one such flaw: having the Voice is a hell of a talent, but apparently there were places that did not welcome all potential Singers. This could just be a result of the War, but maybe it speaks to something deeper.

“Shai’tan take you, does the taint already have you so far in its grip?”

Ish here is mostly pissed that he doesn't get to enjoy his gloating, because for all his talk about nihilism, he is petty first and foremost.

Dangerous for you, fool, not for me.

Ironically, all things considered it's really the other way around - Shai'tan is no threat at all to the Dragon soul and will utterly ruin Ish by the end. Ish really isn't anywhere near as clever as he makes himself out to be, he just looks smart because he's the last survivor of Academia.

“So you do remember some things. Yes, Betrayer of Hope. So have men named me, just as they named you Dragon, but unlike you I embrace the name.

This is an odd detail, all things considered. LTT's fatal flaw was pride (this very prologue says as much), so why wouldn't he be proud of a flattering name? I wonder if we get any more details on this in the books or if it's just a little detail that was lost in the shuffle.

But it is not enough. You humbled me in the Hall of Servants. You defeated me at the Gates of Paaran Disen. But I am the greater, now. I will not let you die without knowing that. When you die, your last thought will be the full knowledge of your defeat, of how complete and utter it is. If I let you die at all

See what I mean about Ish? This is not the behavior of someone who is tired of existence and wants everything to end, it's the behavior of a dude with a petty grudge that he dresses up in fancy terms and fancier boots.

[Ilyena] will give me the rough side of her tongue if she thinks I have been hiding a guest from her. I hope you enjoy conversation, for she surely does. Be forewarned. Ilyena will ask you so many questions you may end up telling her everything you know.

Quick, name a female WoT character that Jordan doesn't think this description applies to! Can it be done? I doubt it. Another common criticism is that for all of his 3,000 characters, all of the women were just his wife. I don't think it's quite true, but I do think that the women he knew well were all cut from pretty much the same cloth.

“A pity for you,” he mused, “that one of your Sisters is not here.

This is another oddity. AoL healing required all five kinds of weaves and they didn't divide things up by gender anyway, so why wouldn't a Brother suffice? There's plenty of male Aes Sedai who haven't gone crazy at this point, and it's been only a couple days at most so you wouldn't think people would have time to reflexively assume men wouldn't be helpful. Is this another kind of healing that works better when you do it cross-gender? Maybe Towers of Midnight mentioned that?

Helplessly he convulsed, thrashing, his skull a sphere of purest agony on the point of bursting.

Good to know that every incarnation of the Dragon suffers horribly for no good reason, I guess. Rand's nihilism is a lot more understandable to me than Ish's is, considering how little suffering the latter actually endures.

“You can have her back, Kinslayer. The Great Lord of the Dark can make her live again, if you will serve him. If you will serve me.”

"Your kids are fucked though. We put their souls in vacuoles and then jettisoned them towards Sindhol, so we can't fix that even if we wanted to. Also you balefired half of them repeatedly, we think. Hard to be sure because there's no record of them left except some silhouettes on that doorway over there."

(More seriously, they're being left out right now because LTT isn't cognizant of their demise, making this the only excusable omission.)

“Ten years your foul master has wracked the world. And now this. I will. . . .”

Plus a whole century of societal collapse, but I guess RJ hadn't come up with that detail yet. Hell at this point maybe Shai'tan was still supposed to be ET's son.

You and I have fought a thousand battles with the turning of the Wheel, a thousand times a thousand, and we will fight until time dies and the Shadow is triumphant!

Ish says this and the fandom as a whole treats it as true but... we don't actually know this! Third Agers often state that they HOPE to be reborn, which suggests that's it's possible the Wheel stops reincarnating some souls (replacing them, presumably) - and who better to retire than the people who stop being grateful for existence and start actively trying to undermine you?

Further, Rand's epiphany is about how despite the crushing cycle of everything, anyone can still hope to live a better life - there's no guarantee that Ishamael falls to the shadow every time, or that he ever has before or will again! Hell, he could just repent even after he falls. Bro has choices, he just refuses to see them.

His own sons and daughters, sprawled like broken dolls, play stilled forever.

This is actually another odd detail. I don't know how Aes Sedai fertility works, but while it's not implausible that LTT & IS could have children who were of the age where their play is the most notable thing about them, they should also have kids old enough to have grandkids by now! Lews' murders could potentially number in the hundreds without starting on the servants and faithful companions.

Also note that while Ilyena's demise horrified LTT and left him with nothing to live for according to the narration, it isn't until he sees that he's killed all of these people he loved that he actually tries to commit suicide. This is the sort of thing that's completely neglected going forward, but it is nice that things were a little more complex than him finding his girlfriend in the fridge and his mom in the oven.

The land around him was flat and empty. A river flowed nearby, straight and broad, but he could sense there were no people within a hundred leagues.

This is a pretty subtle sign of just how much death the last ten years must have entailed: the Erinin is flowing through a temperate part of the planet (there being no indication that the Earth's axis was significantly affected by the Breaking) yet there are no cities nor farms within a hundred leagues. By all rights there should be, but now they're gone. One can see why balefire was banned.

He did not believe it could come, forgiveness. Not for what he had done.

Maybe it's just my own weird moral code speaking but I think stuff one does while literally and entirely involuntarily corrupted by the source of all evil shouldn't really count against them. Obviously he's in shock, but it seems like something that carries on into Rand's behavior as well and it's a little depressing that in a series about free will vs. determinism there's such a common attitude that the stuff you're doomed to do regardless counts against you more than the things you had a choice in.

Because in his pride he had believed that men could match the Creator, could mend what the Creator had made and they had broken. In his pride he had believed.

And he wasn't wrong to believe that, he just did it wrong and doesn't consider that there might be other approaches. Tunnel vision is a real affliction in this series.

Only a heartbeat did the shining bar exist, connecting ground and sky, but even after it vanished the earth yet heaved like the sea in a storm. Molten rock fountained five hundred feet into the air, and the groaning ground rose, thrusting the burning spray ever upward, ever higher.

No denial on the earth's part here, just straight up compliance.

Of Lewis Therin Telamon, no sign remained. Where he had stood a mountain now rose miles into the sky, molten lava still gushing from its broken peak.

Now imagine a million more dudes doing this and you start to see why the Breaking was as destructive as it was.

Then [Ishamael] was gone, and the mountain and the island stood alone. Waiting.

Presumably Ishamael went off and told someone about LTT's suicide before being vacuum sealed for a millennium and change, cuz otherwise there's no way people would know what Dragonmount was.

The oceans fled, and the mountains were swallowed up, and the nations were scattered to the eight corners of the World.

The west, the Waste, Shara, the sea, the Mad Lands, north Seanchan, southwest Seanchan, and southeast Seanchan. There, we've turned what was obviously an odd turn of phrase into a literal statement with all eight items acccounted for!

Let the Prince of the Morning sing to the land that green things will grow and the valleys give forth lambs. Let the arm of the Lord of the Dawn shelter us from the Dark, and the great sword of justice defend us. Let the Dragon ride again on the winds of time.

Well Rand did most of those things, but I don't remember any lambs, so I guess really he lost the war and the whole of the epilogue was a taunting dream the Dark One wove for him to distract him.

(God I hate those kinds of theories. If your assumption is that nothing is true, your theory is dumb and you should feel bad.)

From Charal Drianaan te Calamon,The Cycle of the Dragon.

So a lot of people talk about the conlanging in this setting and I just want to point one thing out: the fact that we go from the Old Tongue in the AoL to this New Tongue in the Fourth Age suggests very, very strongly that Randlanders are not inexplicably speaking English or anything close to it but something in between the two fake Tongues. We have a clear transition from things like "Telamon" and "siswai'aman" to "Calamon" for example, that dragon doesn't really fit into except as a distant ancestor/descendant.

Anyway, that right there is the prologue! I would compare and contrast it to Amazon's adaptation, but I cannot because they have not adapted this sequence yet. It's something of a shame, because I think the prologue is very important for making it clear that we're not actually doing a Tolkien-esque story like the early chapters suggest, but after seeing Winter Dragon I can also sympathize with not wanting to lead with this. That said, I am deeply depressed we couldn't keep Billy Zane and hope against hope that Rafe will find a role for him to be crazy in.

The TV show does do a sequence set in the AoL, but it's closer to being an adaptation of part of The Strike at Shayol Ghul than anything else, so I will hold off until we get there after A Crown of Swords.

#let's read #wheel of time #wheel of time spoilers #wot spoilers #the eye of the world #lews therin telamon #ishamael

32 notes · View notes

cosmic-kaden · 4 months

Text

Oops :) Gets real under the cut. It's nothing bad though! <3 turns into a gush post near the end~ It's a little long so I get it if no one reads it but I like to voice my thoughts that's all.

Top of the list he goes. He deserves to be there. Not only are his scenes at the end of IX helping me to overcome my fear of thunder and lightning. There's something else.

A few years ago I lost a certain spark. Every ounce of creativity and passion I had shattered. I was always chasing the next "big f/o" that would spark that passion again, that creativity. I never found it and I got depressed for a little bit because I thought I would never find a love as grand as I had before. So my storytelling became nonexistent, I stopped drawing, and the endless thoughts I used to have were replaced with an endless emptiness so I went quiet. I gave up trying to chase something that I thought would never happen again. I was slowly losing myself

I spent a last few years yes, self-shipping and yes don't get me wrong I love all of my f/o but there was something missing, I didn't feel the need to scream every two second about how much I love them, there was just something "off" with myself. I couldn't voice it or the anons would come with their pitchforks "You don't really love your f/o" plus it was hard to put into words. How can you love your f/o but still feel that something is missing?

cut to my sick ass lazing on the couch in the present time. I get an idea, "Hey I haven't watched the Star Wars movies in like...forever- maybe I'll re-watch them all.. then there are the newer ones I haven't seen yet." So I start watching the movies. I had a few interruptions when I was watching VII and VIII but I kept on watching. I thought Kylo Ren's lightsaber was so badass but at the time thought nothing much of Ben himself.

As the days went on I decided to rewatch VII VIII and IX because of said past interruptions be it people or my sick ass having to take meds and stuff. As I do with most things I watch the second time I really consume it. I noticed something. Something different. The very first time Kylo took his helmet off I felt it the feeling that started in my chest and radiated to my stomach.. butterflies? He spoke and there was no distortion from his mask as he wasn't wearing it and I felt my heart skip a bit. what the hell?

the more I watched the more I learned, the more I learned the more I started to fall in love. Do I condone some of the things he's done? No. Do I still love him? Absolutely. After the movies I sort of just sat there on my couch, looking at my own reflection of the tv. "wow, I like Ben huh?" I said to myself then I shrugged. "Ah, fleeting crush and maybe an f/o" Throughout the rest of the day however I couldn't stop thinking about him. Everything from his appearance to how he talked and how he carried himself.

So I decided to run with it. Would it be one of those f/o where I say I'm crushing and nothing happens? Or maybe it will be like my other recent f/o Alex? Talk about him for a little bit but then the fixation dies almost as quickly as it started?

Neither of that happened. I got flooded with endless thoughts, and ideas. Ideas for moodboards, playlists, art.

I got attached to Ben so much, it's hard to explain it but I feel connected to him in a way that I never thought was possible for me ever again. He makes me genuinely smile and I don't mean just smile with my mouth but makes me smile with my eyes. He makes me blush and laugh and feel like I'm on top of the world in such a euphoric state. I actually feel like we're together- like actually. I know it sounds insane but I have every bit of real emotion for Ben. I feel well- in love.

I said I love all my other f/o too and its true and this might sound terrible and believe me I've thought myself as a terrible person but the love I hold for Ben is higher and so much more different than the love I have for the others..

I thought he'd be like a shooting star. A moment of fun but he'd fade away just as fast as he came into my life.

I'm thankful that wasn't the case. He managed to do what I thought wasn't ever gonna happen to me again. He reignited my spark and love and appreciation. I can't say the last time I smiled this much irl and how much I've had my heartbeat fast and the tint rise to my cheeks.

I guess in short...

Ben makes me feel like I'm alive again.

<- I'm trying so hard not to cry as I talk about this but I mean it's true, I've had so much bullshit happen in my life. I've survived so many hardships and awful people. I forgot what feeling alive was, I thought my new normal was to not expect happiness because it will be met with tragedy and I'll be back at square one. Alone and fighting demons in my mind.

Ben has reignited my heart and I am forever grateful for him, I love him so much already and I hold him so incredibly dear. He makes me feel strong, and loved, and passionate- I love him with my entire soul. So deeply that the love extends past the words themselves. It's so much deeper.

If you read this far thank you <3 It means a lot to me. Thanks for listening to me coherently ramble for once.

#You pull me in; I don't resist #gushing.png #I sorta opened my heart in this and it's fucking TERRFYING so please don't make fun of me #long post;

7 notes · View notes

bookinit02 · 5 months

Note

HI HELLO GOOD EVENING

I'm dead tired bc I got barely any sleep last night + braindead because I've spent the past several hours binging through your Stranger Things Byler retelling and I'm a bit out of words, HOWEVER. It finally clicked in my head that you have a tumblr and I, also having a tumblr, can use said tumblr to throw my appreciation upon you in a more direct manner.

On that note... the retelling is AMAZING and I love it so very very much!!! (I've also been leaving a whole stream of comments on the fic itself, so a lot of my feelings have already been described in detail there XD). It makes me feel so very many emotions, both good AND bad, and for a fic to trigger THAT MUCH of an emotional reaction in me is really an achievement. It's so beautifully sad and tender and joyous and realistic, and all the more painful for it—and all the more beautiful IN that pain. I haven't actually been a big active part of the Stranger Things Fandom (TM) for several years, but I still often return to Byler fics, sort of like a comfort blanket in story form—and yours are some of the BEST (I think it was also you that wrote one of my favorite ever painting scene fix-its; I'll have to go back and re-read that as well!!)

I started reading season 4 last night (which is in part to blame for my lack of sleep) and finished up the rest of it today. I'm so extremely excited for season 5 and to see what you've done with it—I already started reading the script for episode one and it looks amazing (god, I bet that Mike having a panic attack/Vecna episode hurts WAY more in prose)!!! I can't decide between reading all the script first, then reading the fic; or reading the script episodes and then reading the according fic chapters; or just barreling on ahead in the fic and coming back to the script if it strikes my fancy later (which is, if I'm being honest, the most likely outcome). All will have to wait til tomorrow, however, as I have dinner and a warm bed to get to. All the love to you and your fic!!

(Love how I said "I'm so braindead I've run out of words" and then proceeded to give evidence to the EXACT OPPOSITE claim. I'm really a bit like Mike lmao, even if I'm struggling to actually describe my specific emotions or feelings about something, I can run my mouth about any old thing for ages XD)

hi hello good morning!!! i have been watching ur comments come in with so much joy and happiness—hopefully i get time to respond to all of them within the next few days! i hope that you have gotten so much rest and that you are all refreshed for the next day🫂💗

thank you so much for all your kind words, in this ask and otherwise! the rewrite is really a labor of love that has been sustaining me for over a year now, and it is always so impressive and awe-worthy to me when new people discover it and start from the very beginning. that is SO much to read!! several novels worth!

as for the script, read it in whatever order you would like! my recommended order was originally to read the script first, then the fic chapters—but i know that some people want to experience the plot twists and developments as they happen, so really any way you decide to read it is completely fine! the byler scenes are all the same (with a bit extra in the fic), it’s really just the other characters and plot lines that are expanded.

thank you for “running your mouth,” as you’ve called it—but i prefer to think that we’re just chatting🥳 i really love interacting with people through both comments and asks, so feel free to do both (and to talk as long as you’d like)! i am super grateful and honored that you’ve chosen to read my story, and i hope that you enjoy what i have so far of season 5!!💗🫂

#asks #this is so nice🥹#thank youuuuuuuuu #rewrite

9 notes · View notes

unproduciblesmackdown · 8 months

Text

vague musing theme re: deh in evan and the Mom & Son theme and evan taking on responsibility for how his own mom feels, and then also connor's. irreconcilable tension in deh, as in life, with [the family unit, at its smallest: a Parent & Child unit] inevitably needing to be validated via supporting whatever conclusion we get (and the conclusion support it in turn) versus whether, actually, that not only Can be enough but Must be enough, b/c of how it cannot be denied, that is: rejected

we have Parallel Moms in the first song, it's a relevant difference that the murphys are relatively rich & the hansens relatively poor, but the Primary effect of this difference being heidi's frequent absence at home due to working, vs. the lack of such financial pressures resulting in cynthia being....stuck at home and trying to figure out anything in life Through her role as Stay At Home Mom, whilest she also Isn't guaranteed more successful connection with her children (or husband, except that: he's Here, married to her) for that, as established already in that first song lol

evan right off the bat taking on the pressure of how his mom needs him to have a good year because also she needs to have a good year, and heidi talking about this in terms of things that evan needs to Do, like, he needs to Order Pizza*, he needs to be Making Friends & then Be Away Hanging Out With Them (*also i always consider how evan Could've avoided getting pizza to not spend the money? but nothing else (besides evan being conscious of financial woes & feeling pressure abt this more generally) really suggests this is the case, and i guess at any given point he has $20 to spare)....then referring to the Resolution of this relationship where suddenly heidi has a turning point offstage (like, offscreen lol) wherein now she can go "oh i didn't know you were Feeling like this" versus like. that the conflict the rest of the time is with her own feelings, of course, and evan's Behavior. wherein she doesn't really mind the bare facts that he's dealing with anxiety, has prescriptions & therapy about it, but she Has minded about the things he needs to Be Able To Do (specifically on his own, mind you) and what's important to Do to get there (despite the letters sure not seeming to help, and then like, never officially being written again. does he still go to therapy appts?)....and that she starts feeling rejected by him As His Mother, which is like, the main issue up until she reads thee letter via facebook and realizes [evan thinks he's failed heidi as her child, because of how he makes her feel (bad)]

that even when heidi refutes this, prior, it's not the answer when like, "you're the one good thing that ever happened to me" is also like about as much pressure as could be put on evan, The Answer here wouldn't necessarily be like "no don't worry, i don't reject you as my child, because of how you Don't make me feel bad / Disappointed"....cynthia illustrating this, though we have little sense of how connor felt, probably not like "i feel really secure b/c my mom definitely isn't disappointed or anything"....and then "sorry i can't give you more than that" from heidi as a followup is Effectively a shutdown to conversation b/c like, what can evan say to that, it's basically on par with something like a sarcastic "well sorry i'm not perfect / i guess i'm the worst parent ever" that's like yeah obviously nobody's perfect nobody's the Best Or Worst person ever, it's a dismissal. which i hardly think heidi's Trying to dismiss evan or anything, or is being disingenuous, but again like "i'm trying my best / i can't give you more than [my best, or your being the best thing in my life]" can't really serve as any kind of Concluding Remarks if the conclusion isn't just like "okay so we haven't reached a resolution but let's cut it out now"....it's fun how of course we can understand how then heidi would find it devastatingly hurtful for evan to be like "well it's not my fault other people can [give [me] more than that]" but it's also like welllll the only reason here it's Not true is because evan's (a) got his World Of Lies going on, which heidi doesn't know is part of this situation & (b) evan is looking for validation that he's Supported as a Child figure to the murphys in these pretty superficial ways lol as per the fantasy of the like ideal suburban untroubled nuclear family unit....cynthia's just Here, with time to cook, larry's just Here, with the willingness to impart his own interests onto evan, they don't know evan has [diagnosis: anxiety] going on, evan feels like he's making these parents feel Better and themselves validated as parents, via both his fiction about how connor was maybe happier than they know, and his performance about being this no-hassle no-problems no-friction child who's also just Here. unlike connor....like tbt like eh excise the part where evan does happen to be making things up to have gotten here, and like. is it so bad he stays at another family's house when his mom's out at work. would it be so [Bad poors] if the murphys paid for college for him. heidi clearly responding to this with a "sorry, our bootstraps, you know" reasoning but Really primarily rejecting it because she's thrown at the apparent realization that evan's Replacing her with the murphys, she's rejected as his Mother....as she makes explicit in the next scene, the I'm Your Mother & they're Not Your Family(tm) like. okay, and? again, she doesn't know evan Wasn't that secretly close to connor lol and part of the point of deh is these lies bleeding into truths from the start, and Why evan lies, which isn't just "b/c he's an evil sicko?" nor as an elaborate scheme to get at zoe though like, at this moment i'm trying to puzzle out what couldn't be improved by zoe Not being a murphy....

well anyways. the tension here being like "yeah when is One Person ever """"enough"""" for anyone else all on their own. why do we demand that happen" like How & Why. no single person could or should be Everything to someone else. we even see how like Two People really don't have the resources for their One Child together completely on their own, and why is it that it Should be whittled down and isolated as much as possible. wherein the costs of being a parent, one who is tasked with bringing up a child with as little external support as possible while also already getting little external support as an individual in the first place (which a spouse, again, One Person, is supposed to fulfill in any/all ways), is supposedly offset like "well the magic of parenthood will be (Should be. if you're a good enough parent (threat)) its own rewards....and btw the child is Yours. they're someone stuck in a house with you. you can have this fantasy about Who They'll Be and try to ensure they become that. sure you're in charge of them (a burden!) but also: you're in charge of them (you can be an authority figure in this one aspect of your life). you can Always have access to them no matter what, because of the fact that as soon as a child exists, you're Now & Forever Their Parent"....i'm your mother, they're not your family....how are cynthia's like Identity Crises that are expressed to her family through cooking resolved? well, so far as we know, they aren't, but hey she's not getting divorced. zoe implying that cynthia's problems are thanks to having nothing to do / not leaving the house, such that gee evan your mom's lucky she Has to work....while evan apparently feels like heidi at least in part is always going to work b/c she hates to be around him, since he's all like well i presume you're so Not Unhappy in being the Mother to my Child that that's why you're always at home, cooking every dinner....like, what happens there? does cynthia join a club? take up a hobby? is evan Right that it's chill being stuck at home if that household is happy (as is the "it's fine having women's lives be Staying At Home, if that household is good enough :)" ideal) like well not sure but the status update is: she's not getting divorced

anyways i'm arguing against the nuclear family including in its theoretical distillation of "well god a Parent & Child if that's the very best you can do" here lmao and uhh deh not so much since the mother & son aspect Must resolve, kind of like what's supposed to be required of the parent & child aspect irl. and not like i think it's terrible it Does resolve, or it shouldn't, in this Story, but it's a definite [shhhruggg] from me like yeah that's nice but like, what's evan have going for him besides "he doesn't think his mom hates him now" (better yeah) and "he has a customer service job" (like oh my god so sorry. is this supposed to be Better? like oh he can order pizzas now? idk we don't get enough detail. ppl just get a part time job like yeah it's fine. i also have part time schooling but i'm saying it's a year off?) and this is not disconnected from how i feel about the Evan Needs To Believe He Could Have The Theoretical Perfect Gf which has to be answered in the end by zoe like, yeah i Wish we could date without the history. alas....like, Huh. why is she saying this (a) as a character & (b) as the conclusion to this story? god knows, but not like we don't know the ideals of Romance are also considered keys to the success of the nuclear family, and are an interim goal even if you don't have the kids yet, or like a begrudged Alternate goal as the next most adjacent thing, being Single has to be as vulnerable as it is re: any material or emotional support as Needed, much less what is Wanted for any further fulfillment. down to destruct the nuclear family & romance in one fell swoop baby. pointing at the camera and deh you're first (this sentence is a joke, the previous one is humorous but fully in earnest. kind of like [jared & alana (especially alana re: the earnestness)])

anyways again this is all still vague lol just sure Noting how very relevant it is that evan is motivated by a sense of his responsibility in how he affects his mother's like overall emotional landscape. while heidi does derive / seek emotional support from evan. not like her kid can be Emotionally Irrelevant to her, or like there's no good & relevant way for evan to be aware of or interact with her feelings. or like all of this is saying the point i want to make is that heidi is terrible or something. the parent i'm firing out of a cannon & into the sun is larry though lol. like heidi, being a person, can be Imperfect, and have an imperfect relationship with anyone, including her son, and have feelings, and care about her role as a mother....and all this can Not be resolved by evan simply not hating her either, or by anything else All hinging on her son. like how idk how cynthia's gonna do better than she was even before she was a grieving parent when nothing's changed for her except that a manifestation of happier memories is i guess enough that her terrible marriage can be sustained lol. larry's arc starting out dismissive ending up dismissive, with some dismissiveness in between...an anti larry zone here for sure

meanwhile it's sure just Something that like, heidi transitions into this equivalent role with 2 of evan's Peers in good for you. other people having noted that heidi being previously Rejected & presumably also pretty much fully cut out of the life of her ex husband is playing into her feelings here: a relationship of hers with a Peer. just now as i type this being like hmm interesting to juxtapose this with [so big so small] moving Away from this perhaps by tapping into evan being like a very small child. while the murphy parents, again, find resolution in turn by remembering better times with also much younger than he was connor....aaand in both cases presumably less "difficult" children than when they're teens :I like i wouldn't have heidi Not be mad or anything, another whole point here is that i wouldn't expect nor demand deh to be like, issuing a Statement about "and everything you saw up here is a model of the ideal family experience okay," heidi can even feel petty about it or have whatever other reaction and of course she's gonna feel hurt but like when it comes to Good For You i'm like, alana's grievances? hell yes go off. jared's grievances? hell yes go off. heidi's grievances? yeah alright but actually i'm more so on evan's side on this one lol....even when this scene establishes a clear pattern of "evan is also being petty & hurtful to people on purpose with his remarks here as he lashes out at each of them as things come to a head and he's deflecting responsibility" like yeah. and i feel entirely sympathetic to jared and alana here and not Unsympathetic to heidi so much as there's very immediate limits to that and (a) i don't think shutting everything down Because We're Family / I'm Your Parent as a fallback to whatever you do To your kids or whatever you fail to do For them, is legitimate, positive, constructive, non coercive and (b) heidi does & has been looking too much to evan for emotional support. wherein, again, don't need to go "i guess it's b/c she's a terrible individual" when it's like, she lives in a society....what else Does she have? where else is she Supposed to get any & all emotional needs met outside the bounds of her household (family) and her role as a parent/mother?

which is not really unrelated to evan's situation out here wherein, where is He supposed to find support and get his needs met? he doesn't feel that [at home] is providing that, even with him at least in part blaming himself for that, b/c he's not a good enough child for his mother. he turns to school as an avenue for Friendship, and when alana doesn't singlehandedly fix his whole life with a Hi before homeroom, nor does jared, and btw connor wasn't gonna do that either even if the "again i'm sorry i pushed you" hadn't been [their interaction: gone to shit: 2], like uh oh once again One Person isn't being Everything by virtue of somehow the status of "friend" making everything inherently perfect, or, [making everything perfect] defining the status of "friend," see: For Forever. see: how in sincerely me you have jared & evan effectively discussing, by proxy & creative fiction & plausible deniability, the presence of Effort & Communication in a relationship, as well as pretty much laying out a mutual belief in / effort towards successfully Becoming the person you'd like to be through deciding on who that even is and then just like, trying to be them lol. a sentiment that could hardly be wholly dismissed, people having goals, inevitably changing so you may as well be trying to be growing, but that ofc they don't have the perfect ideas at 17 of who they wanna be, How to be that person, and they sure really don't have much support to draw on for whatever efforts, And this being driven too much by insecurity & self-loathing re: who they already are, no pressure from anyone around them....and evan of course ending up thinking well the only thing that could fix my life is Romance, a Gf. and then he's not only finding himself in a situation where he feels responsible for another mom's feelings (cynthia), and feels like how people can think of the concept of connor is how they can think about him, & As he's navigating those things he starts feeling like he's finding some of What He Needs, and he already felt like it was up to him alone to do that, so of course it all escalates / continues for the next like hour & a half....he Is isolated, they all are, and not just because like uh oh evan on that damn phone

and then idk it's like yeah heidi realizing evan was actually thinking She was gonna reject Him and she tells him she won't. and for some reason zoe has to crop up to reassure evan about his potential for romance in general; meanwhile she's doing fine b/c....her parents' marriage is doing better = they're going on dates = also how cynthia is doing okay? idk. and no status updates on the couple of peers who also had no friends, weren't dating anyone, and didn't really mention family except alana's grandmother having died and jared not telling his parents anything and then only mentioning them previously to basically avoid getting in trouble with them oh and also how they'll be gone for a weekend so he's inviting his boy best friend to hang out with him the whole time like HMM to all of that!!! like well i don't think deh is really Trying to reach the most Definitive Conclusions in its story & what it's exploring, and that's great b/c (a) yeah there's a lot going on in there! and (b) it sure doesn't lmao. and i would always be detached from & in disagreement with "idk but Nuclear Family & Nuclear Romance must be like, It, right" or "idk. just be more normal" lmao. where'd your gay little peers go for the past half hour. bring them back out here

anyways i said "vague" so that i didn't have to try to muster a thesis. like yeah just noting Evan Feeling Responsible For Moms' Feelings: His Own, & Connor's, as very relevant up to his mom reassuring him she can't Feel like rejecting him / doesn't hate him. evan making sure to Behave as conveniently as possible around the murphys, and around his mom as well; while what heidi tends to talk about is what evan can/should Do, including how he should be Trying to feel, and as ppl often notice she doesn't have great boundaries, and as i'm at least noting, does need validation from evan / puts her insecurity on him in turn where again up until so big so small she's worrying about him possibly rejecting her. though she does seem to be Over That upon realizing evan felt That Bad, actually, and like thank god yeah evan doesn't have dialogue about "yeah btw mom i will never disown you" lmao. can sure look at this as just like, well, some "doing the best with what one's got?" wherein uh oh we Don't have much support outside this household/family, so it's good to improve it....like yeah sure lol and would be good if it was good even if they did both have a zillion other important connections to turn to in their lives. again, let's destroy romance and the nuclear family. and a further improvement were if cynthia got a divorce and befriended heidi (awkward at first but idc. here: they meet at a social group for divorcees and go from there lmao)

#deh #the spirit of kleinsen is very much in this post lmfao but didn't outright discuss it #meanwhile not b/c the works need to be compared but b/c i know & think about the both of them:#by contrast i'm going Yippee leaping into the air ft. a freeze frame + Caring when it comes to The Pants Song / scene

11 notes · View notes

bi-bats · 6 months

Note

just barely holding back from sending you the entire list lmaooo. once again, feel free to pick and choose

1, 3, 5, 15, 24, 37, 42, 54, 77, 85, 100, 129, 131

Bean, my beloved. Hello dear thank you for always coming through 💖

A book that is close to your heart

Vicious by V.E. Schwab. If I had to pick a favorite book, it's probably this one. My original copy of this book is SO fucked up lmaoo

3. A stand-alone that you wish was a part of a series

OH Wilder Girls by Rory Power. What a phenomenal fucking book. It had an open ending that left me satisfied, but also really thinking about what was going to happen and wishing that I knew. I still think about this book and I read it like... four years ago?

5. Something in fiction that reads like poetry

THIS IS HOW YOU LOSE THE TIME WAR BY AMAL EL-MOHTAR AND MAX GLADSTONE HOLY SHIT HOLY FUCK I FUCKING LOVE THIS BOOK AND I HAVE FOR A LONG TIME AND ITS ONE OF THE MOST BEAUTIFUL BOOKS I'VE EVER READ I'M ABOUT TO READ IT FOR A FOURTH AND PROBABLY FIFTH TIME

15. A book rec you really enjoyed

The Watchmaker of Filigree Street by Natasha Pulley!! This book has something for literally everyone, I'm actually in the process of re-reading it because I didn't know it was a part of a series when I first read it and my therapist keeps telling me that the way that she puts the overall plot of the series together is one of the most interesting things he's ever read

24. A book on your nightstand

The Cabinet by Un-Su Kim, The Stepford Wives by Ira Levin, The Martian by Andy Weir, Vicious by VE Schwab, I'll stop there because I'm not typing out like 20 titles for this and I wish I was joking

37. Your favorite heist book

I'm actually not entirely sure that this counts, but Anxious People by Frederick Backman. I have a bunch of heist books that I want to read, but I haven't gotten around to yet. This is one of my all time favorite recs though! I love Frederick Backman fr he's such a great author

42. A book that made you want to scream by the time you got to the end

Lost Boy by Christina Henry oh my god. Ohhhh my god. Oh my sweet lord. Everything by Christina Henry is phenomenal, but this one in particular fucked me up. This was one of those books that leaves you feeling raw and hollow at the end. It will stomp on you. It will shred your heart. It will be worth it.

54. A book with the best opening line

Poison for Breakfast by Lemony Snicket. The opening line is literally "This morning I ate poison for breakfast." Full disclosure, if you go into that book expecting a full plot, you won't enjoy it as much. It's really a very wandery story without much plot, but I had a good time and normally I hate stuff like that. There's just something that's really so lovely about Lemony Snicket's way of writing though. Also, the audiobook is narrated by Patrick Warburton my beloved

77. A book so useless that you could use it as a coaster

Those We Drown by Amy Goldsmith. This is the only book I've ever given a zero star rating to. I've never read fanfiction as bad as this book. This is comparable to my wattpad writing when I was 12. Maybe worse. I wouldn't even use it as a coaster, because I returned it.

85. Your favorite book about magical realism

Right now it's probably Even Though We Knew The End by C.L. Polk. This book was so beautiful, and so quick, and the vibes of it were absolutely impeccable. It's a queer, noir, magical realism murder mystery. It was also slightly devastating, but in a really beautiful, hopeful, satisfying way.

100. Your favorite gothic novel

We Have Always Lived in the Castle by Shirley Jackson. This is one of my favorite books of all time, and it's definitely my favorite haunted house story of all time! The plot is just phenomenal and Shirley Jackson is SO incredible. Also it's far superior to The Haunting of Hill House (which she also wrote)

129. A book with beautiful prose

Gallant by V.E. Schwab. She couldn't just have one book on this list. She's my favorite author by FAR. I just. kdfharughu. I don't know how she does it. There are always SO many banger lines in her books. The way she writes is just so. SO. Idk man. If you like my stuff, read her stuff, she's such a huge inspiration to me.

131. Recommend any book you like!

A Psalm for the Wild Built by Becky Chambers OR The Echo Wife by Sarah Gailey. Literally any book by either of them is phenomenal, but those are two of my favorites! They do have VASTLY different vibes though. A psalm for the wild built is like. a solar-punk utopian book about happiness and existence and success not being defined externally. And the echo wife is like. a sci-fi character study of two (three?) horribly fucked up people and also murder and also becoming the thing you fear the most and losing your humanity and rguahrgur. They're both amazing books though!

book rec ask game

#batsasks #book recs #bibatrambles #🫘 this was a terrible idea #thanks for the ask bestieeee!!!!#for context I've read every one of these and some of them i've read more than once #except for the ones on my nightstand #i'm currently reading those

7 notes · View notes

kodzuken-chan · 2 years

Text

🥀Reckless🥀

Paring: Leon S. Kenndy x Fem.Reader

Genre: Angst/ Hurt/ Song Lyrics based Fic

⚠️Warnings: Mention of Cursing,Slight Anxiety, Breakups, Cheating, Just Hurt, No Comfort.

A/N: I really feel guilty this is my first writing for Leon its based on cheating and breakups, and Leon kinda being a Jerk, I'm Really Sorry Leon bby🥺💕

-Btw, I haven't really decided which Leon I should pick for this Story, but you can Imagine either RE2,RE4 or RE Damnation Leon for this.

- Tbh, I kinda think this sucks idk why, but please enjoy reading it🫂

- This scenario is based on 'Reckless' Song lyrics by Madison Beer, and its totally SFW, no worries. You can listen to Reckless while reading to get the feels👇🏻

<<< Lyrics are marked with 🍃>>>

Summary: You've gone through many heart breaks overcoming them short while after. However, you haven't, and you'll never recover from this specific heart break, it left a scar of emptiness and resentment inside of you that you'll remember forever.

----------------------

🍃Hey, this is a story I hate

And telling it might make me break

But I'll tell it anyway🍃

The rain was pouring out of the window as you sat right next to it, Your eyes following the rain drops that slid to the bottom of the glassy window in sync with the tears that slid over your cheeks. The sound of the piano music playing on your Tv from the Chromecast was echoing in the living room, making a harmonic medley with the rain outside. Three days ago, you lost a battle of fools, a battle that you had no victory opportunity in, although it never felt so bad in the previous few times, however this one for sure left a huge scar in your heart, a scar that will burn your soul everytime you'll recall it.

Leon Kennedy was your boyfriend even before the time he went to Raccoon city. You met in the most ordinary way ever, let's just say you once collapsed from exhaustion infront of the coffee shop where he was peacefully viewing the side walk while drinking his coffee. Then after that wholesome incident where he took good care of you, the two of you became close and your relationship established to be more than just regular best friends.

Time passed and Leon graduated the police academy, then, he was assigned in your region's police department, however, within few days, he was informed that he got transferred to Raccoon city's department to which he have to leave on the upcoming week. Although you insisted on going with him, since you didn't want to grow apart. However, he refused, worried that something dangerous was going on there, you know, because they called him the other day, informing him to avoid coming to the department for the time being, But still, he went.

Of course, Leon never contacted you for almost three days after he reached to Raccoon city, and you grew anxious. However, you found out later from the news that they had to destruct Raccon city with an explosion to avoid the spread of a certain virus, leaving no survivors alive. You went through a mental breakdown at the sudden news thinking you lost the only person you loved forever.

Few months later, Leon contacted you to assure you that he's alive, safe and sound, he apologized for taking so long to call you back again, but you didn't care, the fact that he's still alive anywhere in this world, made you cry in relief. He asked for your forgiveness many times, but you kept on telling him that you already did forgive him, however, he continued on apologizing, you never knew for what else he was asking your forgiveness for.

Then one day, he asked you to meet up with him at his apartment, he wanted to tell you everything that happened at Raccoon city. Once you reached there, you couldn't help but throw yourself at him, devouring into his lips, wavering all of your overflowing emotions to him. However his eyes looked different, they were filled with guilt and pain, you thought that maybe, he suffered so much throughout Raccon city's incident, that he saw things he didn't want to see, that he lost people he never wanted to lose, you could tell,its just shown all over his icy blue eyes.

Ever since he told you everything about the incident, you two went back to normal, he was busy the moment he started working for the DSO and barely came back to his apartment, sometimes you would just drop by to fill his fridge with homemade food, clean his house, and sometimes stay there if he tells you that he's coming back that night. But what annoyed you the most ever since he came back from the incident, is that he won't stop talking about a certain person, a person called Ada Wong even when he talks about work, he unconsciously brings her up into the topic. And from what he told you about her, she seems to be someone he met at Raccoon city and saved his life few times, now she somehow works in the same field as him, and sometimes he mentions meeting her around during his missions.

Of course, you were grateful that she saved his life, maybe if it weren't for her, Leon wouldn't have been here, but the way he always looks so happy when he mentions her gives you anxiety and negative thoughts, not to mention that some of your friends saw him coincidentally with another women few times, and your mind couldn't help but think that Ada might be that women they're talking about. Naturally, you just thought that maybe she was his mission partner, or they met coincidentally again or maybe it was just your friends messing around because they're jealous of your great couple chemistry with Leon, you know, since most of them were still single.

🍃This chapter's about

How you said there was nobody else🍃

Eventually, you started sensing that there is something between Leon and Ada. Despite Leon denying everytime you suspect anything going between them, like calling you back few times lesser than usual, or when he cancelled your dates saying its because of his work. However, he assured you that you're his one and only, and you're the only person he loves. You decided to have faith and believe in his words this time too.

🍃Then you got up and went to her house

You guys always left me out🍃

But, today he sheared that last string of trust he had between you and him. Just as usual, you prepared some homemade food, and headed straight to his apartment. Once you made it to the building, you approached his apartment when you noticed him coming out of it, you didn't know why you hid behind the wall, but your moved on their own anyways, you stood there overhearing his call.

"You know we can't do that in my apartment, I'll just come over to yours" he said smiling before walking to the elevator.

You stood there beind the wall, not wanting to make further assumptions, not willing to take your thoughts far away despite what you just overheard. You wanted badly to go back home, to forget what you just heard, to keep the faith and trust you had in your lover. However, your legs immediately moved on their own again, not walking you back to your house, but to where Leon was going.

Once the taxi stopped near by after following Leon's Jeep, you watched him getting down of it walking towards a huge residental building, while you carefully followed him. You stood behind the wall again, as he stopped by a certain apartment ringing its door bell. You knew that you'd regret seeing this, but curiosity and doubt were eating you up, you just wanted to make sure that you're not wronging him by your distrust and negative thoughts.

However, he severed the last thread of trust he had between you and him. Every dearly emotion you held up for him until now vanished when the apartment door cracked open, revealing no one but the so called women, Ada Wong. Without hesitation and wasting no time, he wrapped his arms around her waist, bringing her closer and devouring into her lips as if he never kissed a woman before, he never even kissed you like that in your relationship, you thought as you watched him disappearing behind the door.

You left the homemade food bag you carried in your hand by Ada's doorstep, and silently walked out of the building towards an unknown destination leaving your tears behind, you walked to somewhere were you can be alone with your thoughts and heart.

As you walked back, you decided to sleep somewhere else, stoping by a motel, you reserved a room temporary for yourself until you get your thoughts and feelings settled, you didn't want to go back to your apartment knowing for sure that a certain someone will go there to find you. Keeping the room key in your pocket, you walked out heading towards a place that you only knew, a place where you can stay by yourself, a place that even Leon didn't know about.

It was small hill viewing the bright lights of the city, you sat there on the wooden bench, putting the headphones on and playing some calm music, to ease your built-up rage and anger. The tears formed, and soon slided over your cold cheeks, as some thoughts circled inside your head.

🍃I still have the letter you wrote

When you told me that I was the only girl

You'd ever want in your life

I guess my friends were right🍃

You remembered the first letter he sent you after you both started dating, how he flirted with you using chessy love phrases, and how he wrote iconic love messages and quotes at the end of the letter drawing tiny hearts around them. Guess your friends were right after all, they weren't jealous, but you got blinded by love, refusing to accept the harsh reality of him cheating on you with another woman.

🍃Each day goes by and each night, I cry

Somebody saw you with her last night

You gave me your word, "Don't worry 'bout her"

You might love her now, but you loved me first🍃

You felt betrayed, you wondered as you sat there, for how long you're gonna cry yourself to sleep, how many sleepless night you'll go through to overcome your love for him. You recalled the times when you doubted his relationship with Ada, and he gave you a word of reassurance, to not worry about her, but he ain't a man of words, you wondered how come it hurts alot this time, why you're clenching your fingers over your heart.

It is right that you dated few men before Leon and they simply dumped you, sure you felt sad for a while, but it was bareable,those heart breaks never pained the way it pains you now, when you think of him, you realized that you truly loved him, that's why its hurts so much. He might love Ada now, but he loved you first, and that's a fact that will never change.

🍃Said you'd never hurt me, but here we are

Oh, you swore on every star

How could you be so reckless with my heart?🍃

You remembered that night when he woke you up at the middle of the night, dragging you behind him to his Jeep, and taking you to stargazing by the beach. You were both sitting on the top of it gazing up to the sky as your fingers interlocked, he swore on every start, that you're his only one, and he will never ever hurt you and make you cry in his entire life. But look at you now, he didn't just hurt you, but caused a wound that will leave a scar behind. Silent sobs left your lips, as you blamed Leon for being reckless to your fragile heart. The next morning, Leon got up and was about to head back to his apartment, but once he opened the apartment door, his jaw dropped in shock, at the sight of your food bag placed by the doorstep.

"Oh Shit!!" He couldn't help but curse in panic as he ran out looking for you but it was too late.

Few weeks passed since the incident, You went back to your apartment a week after, of course your phone was full of missed calls, and text messages from Leon, apologizing and asking you to meet up with him so he can explain himself, but you never once answered. You've always wondered why did he keep asking for your forgiveness when he first called you after Raccoon city's incident, but now you connected the dots and everything became clear to you.

After the stressful weeks you've gone through, you decided to go out after a while, to start a new page in your life, you can't keep crying over a man who easily let go of you for another woman. You went to the coffee shop in your neighborhood, that's right its the same coffee shop where you first met Leon, where you collapsed from exhaustion infront of him. However, these are just memories from the past, you've decided to begin a new page without him being a part of it, you liked the coffee and the view here, that's all what matters.

The coffee shop's door bell ringing echoed through the place, glancing over it, your eyes met with no one other than Leon's icy ones which stared at you in disbelief and guilt. You can't lie, you heart did skip a beat at his sight, but you didn't give up against your emotions, you simply went back to drinking your coffee, as if you never saw him coming in, and of course he was shocked at your reaction, he was expecting something else, however he wasted no time and immediately approached your table.

(Your dialogue part here will include the song lyrics and still highlights in italic, bold and 🍃)

"Y/N.... Can we talk?" He called, carefully approaching your table

"I don't know who you are, please go on and do what you came here for" you simply replied not even looking at him

"Y/N... Please listen to me I-"

"I said, I don't know you sir, so please go and get your coffee or whatever you planned to get"

"Y/N... Please, I beg you...Please listen to me...I don't want you to forgive me or anything, just listen to me this time...please" he knelt on his knees

You looked at him with corner of your eyes, and your heart sank at the sight of his regretful icy eyes.

" five minutes, and I'll leave right after it" You said and he sighed in relief as he took a seat infront of you

"Look....I know that you're mad at me and you hate me, I totally understand that I'm a big jerk and a bastard for doing this to you, I promised to not hurt you ever, yet I did, you have the right to slap me hit me, scream at me as you please...I'm really sorry for not treasuring you"

"you're sorry?🍃You check in and out of my heart like a hotel🍃, You checked in my heart when you were with me, but checked out when you went to her, smiling from ear to ear, and you want me to hear you say you're sorry?" You glared feeling the tears forming

"I'm not really sure how things ended like that, or when did it start...its just that I eventually found myself charmed by her, she kept pulling me towards her and she-" He tried to explain himself

"....Huh 🍃And she must be perfect, oh well...🍃 Guess I wasn't enough after all" you scoffed in pain

" Y/N... Its not like that, you were-"

" No... I was nothing to you... my love, feelings meant nothing to you and you proved it...tsk... 🍃I hope you both go to hell🍃" your voiced cracked as you sharply stated

"I...I don't know what to say....I-" He said in hesitation

You just started at him in disappointment, you loved him, you were ready to do anything for him to see that smile... thinking that he was going through a hard time because of his job, but after all, you weren't his source of comfort. He felt pity for leaving you, that's why he's explaining himself with this nonsense.

"🍃I still have the letter you wrote

When you told me that I was the only girl

You'd ever want in your life🍃" you said still glaring at him with your reddish eyes

"... You..you kept that with you the whole time...? T-that's amazing....But I really meant every word I wrote in it..I promise" he said scratching his neck in frustration

"You just said it....you 'MEANT' it...its past tense, so it doesn't make any difference to me now. when I was told that you were seen with another women that night, I was confident that you weren't such man, but 🍃I guess my friends were right🍃" you stated in disappointment

"Is that how you found it out?..." He asked in shock not realizing how careless he was

"Is that what matters for you now? Because of you, ever since that night, 🍃 Each day goes by and each night, I cry🍃 Because 🍃Somebody saw you with her last night🍃" You clenched your fingers before his eyes

"Well, instead of causing a strife between me and you by telling you about this, shouldn't they prove how good friends they were by stopping me? By telling me that I was wrong?!" He snapped, feeling that your friends are the ones at fault for this

"Shut up...you have the audacity to throw the blame on my friends, when they actually opened my eyes on something I didn't realize, what are you? A five years old to not differentiate between right and wrong? You're a grown-up and you have a brain to use in that head of yours, I feel ashamed to even comapre you to a five years old, because they wouldn't have stated a pity excuse like that when they're clearly at fault, you're pathetic...." You said pulling him slightly from his collar

"That time.... When🍃You gave me your word, 'Don't worry 'bout her'🍃, I trusted you, however you broke your promise 🍃You might love her now, but you loved me first🍃 that's a fact you can't change" you let out a shaky sigh, leaving his collar sitting back on your chair

"... I ...I know that..." He simply said averting your gaze

"Remember that time, when we went to stargazing at the middle of the night, you 🍃Said you'd never hurt me, .... but here we are, Oh, you swore on every star🍃" you scoffed, pointing out the number of promises he gave you but broke

"...." He remained silent

" 🍃How could you be so reckless with my heart?🍃" You smiply asked tears finally falling over your cheeks

"Y/N...." He whisper called, his heart suddenly aching at the sight of your tears

You got up from your chair wanting to leave, you can't endure this anymore, your feelings are messed up, its seems that despite what he have done, his icy blue eyes still have an effect on you, its as if he's trying to check in your heart again, but he doesn't have enough money to do so, and you don't want to end up forgiving him. Walking to him, he stood immediately, not really sure if he should stop you from leaving or not.

" 🍃How could you be so reckless?

How could you be so reckless?

How could you be so reckless with someone's heart?🍃" You said, softly sobbing as you weakly punched his chest, you had no energy left.

Leon felt his heart clenching at your sight, deeply inside he knows that he made a huge mistake letting go of you, but it is too late when he realized that how he didn't like to see you cry no matter what reason it was, but now he's the reason for these tears.

" 🍃Hey, this is a story I hate

But I told it to cope with the pain

I'm so sorry if you can relate🍃" You tapped on his shoulder, taking your purse and walking out of the coffee shop's door

The coffee shop's door bell rang as it was closing behind you, leaving Leon standing there, looking at the ground with his unstoppable tears, and the pain you engraved in his heart. He lost you not just as his girlfriend, but also as his best friend forever.

The End

#Spotify #resident evil #resident evil x reader #resident evil x you #resident evil leon #leon kennedy #leon s kennedy #leon s kennedy x reader #leon kennedy imagines #Leon Kennedy scenario #reckless madison beer

80 notes · View notes

seven-ivy · 3 months

Text

About me!

┌────────── ・・・・ ✦

│⁻ ˏˋ꒰ Basics ꒱ ˊˎ⁻

✧ Nikki ♡ 21, she/her, INTJ

Hello! I'm Nikki, the author of Seven (a JJK fic) and this is my page to share my work and other interests and finally start interacting on this platform with other users.

Seven will be slowly updated on AO3 as I have already pre-written some chapters but these chapters are lengthy and take a while to write and read over. Mind the tags!! There will be violence, trauma, and gore in this fic so I will do my best to display trigger warnings.

My ask box is always open, so feel free to ask anything, or just leave a message on whatever you like. At the moment, I don't take requests but that might change in the future.

I will continue to update with my latest work(s) as well as what I'm currently writing.

More about me and my work(s) below the cut! Happy reading!

│⁻ ˏˋ꒰ Writing Q&A ꒱ ˊˎ⁻

✧ Why did you start Seven?

Seven, like all my other writing endeavors, started as a little fantasy in my head as a way to self-insert into every piece of media I consume. I didn't ever think to seriously write it until Gege started upping the angst and breaking my heart in gut-wrenching scenarios when I decided to give into the delusion and finally write something that would distract me from what was going on in the manga.

Being said, as you read Seven you will start to see that it doesn't exactly follow the plot. This is mainly because I wanted to exercise a little creativity with the plot and Gege's mind, though tortured, is genius that I could never try to imitate.

I also feel like there is a lack of OC-driven multilength JJK fics in the fandom (that, or I don't know where to look) so I wanted to try my hand at filling that niche.

✧ How long will Seven be?

... I don't know? Certain parts of the plot have been running through my head over and over for months, but some things I just leave up to the madness that consumes my brain when I'm writing at 2 AM.

Like Nana, even though is an independent original character, I haven't planned out fully what she looks like (just vague references that she resembles Gojo). As I write more, I get to know more about her character, and even though it isn't a very author-like thing to do, it keeps things exciting for me as well.

But don't worry, I have some arcs briefly planned out, and the manga is still ongoing so there will be lots to keep writing about.

✧ What do you write on?

Google docs. Just one very long Google doc that I keep updating. Maybe it's not the best loading wise but I like to keep it all in one place so I can re-read everything in one go to make sure I eliminate any plot-holes that arise.

I also enjoy Grammarly a lot (my savior) and without it there would be many times Nana would become Naan :(

✧ Writing inspo/tips

This isn't my first go at writing a long (40+) chapter fic so I have experienced an immense learning curve during this writing journey.

The first is one that I used to groan at too but it's honestly the best advice. If you want to be a better writer... read more. And I don't mean on tumblr/wattpad/AO3 (how I wish it could be) but actual published novels.

And read from many different genres from many different origins from many different periods. By doing so, you will diversify your vocabulary, your knowledge, and learn the nuances of writing that can only be learned from reading a really good book.

The second is to take the time to find what works. Writing isn't going to look the same for all people. Some people can only write in the early morning, some at night, and a lucky few aren't constricted by the silly hours of time.

Some writers can listen to music, others can't. Some need to plan everything out in obsessive detail, while others just go with the flow.

Take the time to figure out what works best for you and make use of it.

The third is to write more. Simple, but to improve your writing, first you need to get all of the shaky, baby lamb trying to stand on its own, in other words, "bad" stuff out before you can start to see progress. Looking back at my first attempts at writing... I am appalled but grateful that I got through it to get to where I am now. you don't necessarily need to publish it on a platform, but just get it out. Like letting the murky water run out from a tap first before you get it clear.

✧ My recs

Don't know where to start? I'll help you out. Here are some of the media I consumed that put a passion in me to write.

JJK (obvi), old poetry classics, Greek myths and tales, research into Buddhism and Shinto, Madeline Miller novels, The Picture of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde, Agatha Christie novels, Secret History by Donna Tartt, Jane Eyre by Charlotte Brontë, and The Book Thief by Markus Zusak.

There are many more, but these have stood out to me particularly.

│⁻ ˏˋ꒰ Other fandoms ꒱ ˊˎ⁻

If you've made it this far I'll let you into some other fandoms/communities I enjoy besides JJK:

Mob Psycho, Saiki K, TWST, Demon Slayer, MHA, Castlevania, Mystic Messenger.

I'm not always active in those fandoms and I'm def forgetting some but at some point in my life I'd been very obsessed.

#about me <3 #writing tips #jujutsu kaisen #jjk #Seven

2 notes · View notes

muppettully · 6 months

Note

My favorite fic of yours A. Probably obvi, but my favorite fic is neither snake nor dragon :)

My favorite chapter in my favorite fic of yours A. Probably "Of Ravens and Whispers"

The best character you've written for A. Helaena and Elayne and Aemond and the Greens!

The best ship you've written for A. Helaena / Elayne :)

A fic I haven't read yet from you, but I want to A. I would love to read your Volturi Fic, I just don't know that much ab twilight

Something I remember vividly from reading one of your fics A. The horror of realizing what was going to happen to Elayne

What made me the most emotional after reading A. Thinking about how they are buried together

What I like the most about your writing A. Your use of multiple sources and arrangement with fictional historical texts

A fic i'm excited for you updating/posting A. I don't know if you plan to update, but I hope you do for season 2!

A character/ship I didn't enjoy/think about as much before you wrote about them A. I had a hard time reading about Aegon before your fic. I really enjoy him as a character now. He is very complex

Something I wish/hope you write A. Perhaps the Greens Win AU you talked about

A fic of yours that i've re-read A. I reread Neither Snake nor Dragon like monthly

If i've ever shared/talked about your fic to someone else A. to so many people!!

ask game

Oh my god! Thanks so much for all these answers haha! I'm so glad that you've enjoyed Neither Snake nor Dragon that much!

To engage few of the comments here:

3. I loved exploring those three and the Greens as a whole!

5. Honestly, I would say if you want to give my Volturi fic a shot without really knowing much about Twilight, I would say give it a go. It takes place literally thousands of years before canon and lives in the space of mostly Volturi headcanon. It's just morally questionable politicking(?) done by someone who is just happy to be here/ is so unreliable as a narrator. My friends tease me that I have decided to write the furthest thing removed from its original material. It would be fascinating to hear thoughts from a reader with 0 knowledge, but I understand just not wanting to because it's not your fandom.

6. Is this specifically the moment that I reveal that her brother kills her or just a general creeping horror? I did intend for both effects, but I remember a lot of people having a moment of oh! at the former.

9. Oh I really want to write more for Season 2! I think the problem with me is that I like me strange book-show hybrid world, but I like knowing what the show has in store so that I can know what I'm working with! I guess that is just the problem with writing for an ongoing series haha! I'd really love to get more into some scheming.

10. Wow! Honestly, I wasn't expecting to have changed anyone's feelings about Aegon! I'm so flattered to hear that! I wish there was a recording of my face watching the HotD episode where we meet older Aegon, because I already knew Elayne was going to have complicated sibling-esque relationship with him, and watching him just be the worse was me being uhhhh, but then it worked out to even more exaggerate my point that sometimes the worst person you know is somehow one of the best people to you specifically(really goes to show how much Elayne's life is unfair and just sucks). Anyway, yeah Aegon being complex

11. One day, maybe. I have this weird writing trait where I have to balance out good things with bad things, but the bad things kept accidentally being overwhelming. Also in terms of DnD stats, Elayne's dump stat is unfortunately constitution and she keeps dying when I put her in scenarios in my head.

12-13. I'm so glad to hear that, especially hearing that you liked it enough to recommend to even more people is just wow!

#fic: neither snake nor dragon #oc: elayne tully #helaena targaryen #helaenaswife #ask game responses #asks #house of the dragon #aemond targaryen #aegon ii targaryen #helaena x elayne #helaena x oc #series: neither snake nor dragon related

4 notes · View notes

journal-from-the-heart · 1 year

Text

re: trauma/cptsd, shame, feelings of inferiority, and how it affects self esteem and relationships

okay, I know I already made a post about a similar thing, but I wanted to build on that because I have more to add, so I'm making another.

so in my research, I have learned that on top of all of the already existent criteria for ptsd, cptsd also has three other sections of criteria, which are, in layman's terms, problems with emotional regulation, problems with self esteem/view of oneself, and problems with interpersonal relationships. (source here and here). for this post, i'm going to focus specifically on the self esteem aspect.

in one of the articles I read, a negative view of oneself is described specifically as: "Beliefs about oneself as diminished, defeated or worthless, accompanied by feelings of shame, guilt or failure related to the traumatic event" (see the source colored in pink above).

in my experience, I find this description to be very accurate. However, one thing that i have not seen mentioned in these articles is how or where those negative views about oneself manifest. For me, where it manifests has changed with time. Where I used to hate myself very actively and use self deprecating jokes to cope with this much deeper issue that I was too young to really understand, I now find that although I stopped hating myself consciously, I haven't actually stopped hating myself. I just do it more covertly and subconsciously now. I try to be more logical and reasonable, but it feels like doing so is a continual battle with my much nastier subconscious.

but, as is described in the article i quoted above, how it manifests is also a lot more than simply "hating myself". for me a "negative view of oneself" is really more like a deeply ingrained sense of shame for everything about my trauma, and even the fact that I have trauma in the first place. it is also a deeply set belief that I am inherently horrible, worthless, and inferior to everyone around me.

its also hard to understand how the shame appears, but for me there are a lot of ways. For most of my life I intently avoided talking about my trauma at all, and when I do talk about it I feel uncomfortable, because I feel like i'm exaggerating and being overdramatic, like it wasn't actually that bad and i'm just making things up. when i was younger, it also manifested a LOT as me blaming my trauma on myself, and feeling guilty that it was even happening to me at all, even though obviously it wasn't ever my fault.

in my experience, with the shame and sense of inferiority put together, the "negative self view" section of criteria also intersects with the "difficulties with interpersonal relationships" section of criteria. Since I have this deep set belief that i'm worse than everyone else and also a deep set feeling of shame for having these mental health issues and trauma in the first place, I sometimes feel insecure in my friendships, because I don't know why someone would want me as a friend when I feel like anybody else they could choose to be friends with would be easier to get along with. And I also think that i'm only likeable if people don't know I have trauma, and once they do know, it's like they're going to find out how gross I really (feel like) I am and how much of a liar I was about actually being a chill person to hang around with. it's almost like some kind of imposter syndrome.

anyways, that's everything I wanted to talk about. if any of this feels relatable to you, you aren't crazy and you aren't alone. these are real, recognized symptoms of cptsd. you aren't broken, and you aren't just making things up.

be safe, and much love to everyone in all your healing journeys. <3

#trauma #cptsd #cptsdawareness #cptsd symptoms #cptsd thoughts #cptsd healing #cptsd recovery #complex ptsd #trauma recovery #abuse recovery #childhood trauma #mental health #self esteem #sorry for tagging 3 billion things but i am trying to get a little more engagement since this is a very new blog.#and in my defense they are all relevant lol #long post

12 notes · View notes

pallastrology · 5 months

Text

what i read in 2023

hello! here's what i read over the last year, including some stuff i read/re-read for uni. all in all, it was a great year for reading, despite having a newborn who didn't sleep much lol. i haven't been able to write detailed reviews because i never take notes (oops) but here are my thoughts on what i read. hope you enjoy :-)

the prophet, kahlil gibran - 4 ⭐️ i originally rated this a 3.5 but have revised that rating... reading anything deep when sleep-deprived with a newborn is not a good idea, although i believe this was a lovely novel, i can't remember it all that well and will have to read it again to write a fair review.

lady chatterley's lover, d.h. lawrence (audiobook) - 4 ⭐️ i think i would prefer to just read this myself, rather than listen to it as an audiobook. i'm not really one for "spicy" books but this is very tame going by today's standards, and the story was gripping. when you consider the historical significance it makes it all the more interesting too in my opinion.

the professor, charlotte brontë - 3.5 ⭐️ i usually love anything brontë but was a little bored reading this. i didn't really like the protagonist and just found the plot a bit dull. not a bad novel by any means, but not my cup of tea.

watership down, richard adams (audiobook) - 5 ⭐️ beautiful!! just beautiful. i watched the film as a kid and was slightly traumatised, but the book runs rings around it. it's something that can be enjoyed by all ages and balances fantasy with reality. as a bunny servant, i really appreciated the level of detail the author went to to ensure he wrote rabbits correctly too!

the turn of the screw, henry james (audiobook) - 3.5 ⭐️ didn't hugely like this. i'm not a massive horror fan because i'm sensitive lol, but i find classics like this aren't too much for me. if anything i almost wished it were a bit more intense at times, it felt more sad than anything.

the time machine, h.g. wells - 4.5 ⭐️ really interesting story with a thought-provoking ending. i read it over the course of a day and it stuck with me ever since. it's also become inextricably linked with joanna newsom's album divers for me, with its themes of time travel, war and walking through ruins. would definitely recommend!

the fellowship of the ring, j.r.r. tolkien (audiobook) - 5 ⭐️ a completely and utterly beautiful book. i could probably write a whole book myself on how much i adore the lord of the rings, but now isn't the time or place. i was hooked instantly and as someone who grew up with peter jackson's trilogy, it was lovely to get to know the hobbits more at the start and explore the world more fully.

the cats of ulthar, h.p. lovecraft - 4 ⭐️ sinister and gripping short story. it takes something like ten minutes to read so i'd recommend it to anyone to be honest, especially if fantasy or horror are your cup of tea. i haven't read anything else by lovecraft to compare it to, but as a fan of lots of games that borrow from his lore i think the story probably fits into his world nicely.

the two towers, j.r.r. tolkien (audiobook) - 5 ⭐️ the opening to the second novel in the series was just heartbreaking, but still, i was glad to be back in middle earth. again, the level of detail in the books compared to the films is just astounding, and i found myself going back to relisten just to take it in fully.

a room with a view, e.m. forster - 4 ⭐️ i started this years ago and ended up putting it down. i'm glad i came back to it, though i still found it hard to get into actually. it was definitely a slow burn for me, but i do really enjoy books about the lives of regular people.

the return of the king, j.r.r. tolkien (audiobook) - 5 ⭐️ cried a little bit when i finished this. i truly love lord of the rings and this first listen to the audiobooks will hopefully stay with me forever. this year i hope to read the physical books and dive into middle earth all over again.

icons of the iron age: the celts in history and archaeology, susan a. johnston (audiobook) - 4.5 ⭐️ only because i listened to this through audible and sometimes found the presentation a little hard to follow. very informative and a great intro to the subject of the celtic peoples.

the silmarillion, j.r.r. tolkien (audiobook) - 5 ⭐️ definitely one to reread later on down the line, with a notebook so i can take notes, it’s so detailed and dense that it’s hard to remember recurring plot points and characters at times. but a beautiful book depicting a mythology.

the lifted veil, george eliot (audiobook) - 3.5 ⭐️ an interesting but, for me, unmemorable novel. i think i'll come back and read it again before i write anything significant about it however.

the last of the wild days, volume one: the howling hunt is nearing..., daniel j. loney - 3.5 ⭐️ a lot of potential, with engaging characters and intriguing lore and story, but lots of technical errors and issues with pacing and wordiness. looking forward to more instalments, but the book is definitely in need of an editor.

ogwen blues, george veck - 4.5 ⭐️ very dark, very gritty. left me feeling quite depressed afterwards to be honest, though the novel was an excellent and immersive read. not something i'd usually pick up but i'm glad i did.

cranford, elizabeth gaskell - 5 ⭐️ a really lovely little book. very quaint, exactly the kind of thing i love, just the goings on of regular people. i really enjoyed it, especially as 'brain bleach' after ogwen blues.

tender is the flesh, augustina bazterrica - 3 ⭐️ a quick and intense read but not a book i can say i’d recommend… very well-written but the content is highly unpleasant and not for the faint-of-heart. an interesting and horrifying commentary on the meat industry and, i suppose, how far humanity will go to keep up appearances of civility.

sir gawain and the green knight, pearl, and sir orfeo, j.r.r. tolkien - 5⭐️ really beautiful translation, with especial care taken to retain the alliteration of the original poems.

sir gawain and the green knight, brian stone - 4.5 ⭐️ loved it, but skipped through much of the original text section as i can’t read medieval english (maybe someday).

#pallastrology #books #bookblr #bookish #reading

2 notes · View notes