A Weapon That Weeps

Word count: 10,601 Content warnings: frequent mention of injuries & death, themes of oppression, various dark themes

(this piece is about faust's homeworld, and is mostly here for lore. it does not have any g/t themes, but will contain a lot of tidbits that may come into play later. the main characters will not reappear at any time in the general lufa story.)

(also, your life will be a lot easier if you give this a quick look over before reading ^^)

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Flurries of clangs rung out as metal struck metal, each attack barely granting so much as a moment to parry, let alone breathe. Both demons bounced on their feet, their bodies trained to either dodge or lunge while their minds were conditioned to seek out every opportunity for a potential advantage, resulting in a high-speed, deathly tango. The polearms they clutched — such disgraceful, low-class things, they’d been told, since true demons were beyond relying on physical weapons — were indeed for training purposes, but the blades were still sharp. They could tear through flesh. They could kill. And if they didn’t fight like their life depended on it, then that bleak dependency would soon be realized.

The shorter one was on the offense, grunting as she delivered slash after furious slash unto her opponent. Under such a barrage, a wavering defense could only last so long. Yet the same reasoning could apply to an unrelenting attacker. It was this razor’s edge between a calculation and a gamble that R-406 spent their life perfecting, and with every impact, their window of opportunity was getting ever closer.

It wasn’t an effortless strategy. To get to this point — where their muscles seared in pain, where their lungs faltered, where their open wounds screamed in bloody protest — it took every ounce of perseverance they had. Coupled with the additional knowledge of what awaited them should they choose to take a break…suffice to say, it was a powerful, dreadful fuel. So with at least a moment’s reprieve visible on the horizon, R-406 allowed their body to give in to the next attack.

They staggered backwards, allowing one hand to lose its grip on the staff and feign an opening. Their opponent’s eyes flashed with that same starving determination for this all to be over in those white-hot pupils, and with reckless abandon, she charged forward. The exposed demon’s eyes flicked downward expectantly, betraying no emotion when they saw one of their assailant’s steps wobble from the effort it took to sprint. They parted their lips to suck in a breath. 

Predictable.

Within that moment, R-406’s body dropped low and pushed off the ground with their hands, all in time with their opponent’s next step. Before she managed to land her other foot in the dirt, a devastatingly precise kick swept against the side of her waist, stealing her balance and causing her eyes to fly wide. In the time she crashed to the floor, R-406 managed to use the momentum of their other leg to spin themself upright again, and having maintained a one-handed grip on their weapon during the lightning-fast exchange, brandished it in both hands a mere hair’s length away from the other’s neck.

The two of them finally — finally — paused, panting heavily as they processed the outcome of the spar. Eventually, the defeated trainee dropped her head with a sigh and released her own polearm. 

“That move is so cheap. Why is that even allowed?” she whined hoarsely, though there wasn’t a trace of hostility to her tone. In fact, a small, exhausted grin had appeared on her dirt-caked face. 

R-406 returned the smile, wiping a combination of sweat and blood droplets from their face with the back of their arm. “I don’t know, B-921. Maybe the question you should be asking is: why do you keep falling for it?”

Having lowered the blade, they offered a hand and assisted B-921 in getting back to her feet, though it required a great deal of effort from both of them. This was the ‘end’ that kept them moving — which, in bitter reality, was no end at all. This time to right themselves and resume their sparring positions was the only break they were permitted until their commanding officer was either content or bored with the day’s regiment. And based on the unmoving, shadowy, ever-watchful figure that seemed to tower over them (even past several rows of sparring Low Ranks), it was impossible to gauge when that time may be. 

“Alright,” R-406 spoke as they readied themself several paces back, “Come at me. I’ll go easy on you this time.”

B-921 still trembled from the effort it took to stand, but she managed to take up a battle stance regardless. She laughed. “No you won’t.”

R-406 blinked, then lowered their head. “You’re right,” they stated simply, “I won’t.”

———

The day ended sooner than expected. It turned out to be a “train until one of you loses consciousness” days — not that Klaad felt the need to inform them of that ahead of time — and while those kinds of regiments could stretch far past the ending time of any normally scheduled training day, someone dropped much sooner than anyone expected. Thinking back on it, maybe their commanding officer had only decided on the conditions for the day in that exact moment. Klaad was a particularly nasty soul, after all, even among the most ruthless of High Ranks. R-406, being a relatively competent trainee, managed to avoid too many brush-ins with him, but everyone in the platoon knew what he was capable of. 

Klaad had a rather peculiar method of encouragement. It involved tapping into the innate fear of consequence along with the driving force of competition: simply put, whoever performed the weakest on a given day would receive harsh punishment as an example for the rest of the trainees. At its core, it promoted a feeling of “I sure am glad that’s not me." That was the extent of their reward for making it through the day. Honestly, R-406 wasn’t particularly bothered by it. They were glad it wasn’t them. And they were stronger for it. 

To the surprise of none, the demon who collapsed was the same runtish trainee that faced these lashings more than anyone else. The poor thing had barely been unconscious for more than a few seconds before he was collected for “encouragement” training and all the others were dismissed. While patching themself up to the best of their ability — healers’ efforts couldn’t be wasted on Low Ranks, naturally — R-406 idly wondered why that trainee hadn’t just given up and died yet. It certainly seemed like the easier option, and it was a hell of a lot better than ending up at Endstation. But they didn’t really care enough to find out. It just meant they never had to worry about being at the bottom. Furthermore, there was nothing to be gained from helping weaklings. They knew this to be true, and yet…

“Pfftt. You look like a dork with that bandage on your nose,” B-921 announced her presence with the snide remark. She limped towards the pile of empty, discarded crates R-406 had been sitting on while they nibbled at a ration bar, content with what used to be a quiet scene. Seeing as she sported a much larger assortment of bandages and ointment patches than they had, it didn’t make much sense that R-406 was the one being made fun of, but everything they could’ve said, they didn’t. After all, they were responsible for most of her wounds, so taking the brunt of a bit of teasing seemed like fair payback. 

Despite their best efforts to uphold their ideologies, there was one weakling R-406 maintained a soft spot for. B-921 was a far cry from a model soldier, but when push came to shove, she was unexpectedly reliable. It wasn’t that R-406 needed the company, of course. They operated just fine on their own. It was just…convenient to have someone to talk to once in a while. That was all.

“Is that from me clocking you in the face too hard?” B-921 asked after a moment, gesturing again towards the nose bandage, “Sorry about that.”

R-406 narrowed their eyes. “No, you didn’t land a single hit on my face. This is just from the time I fell wrong.”

B-921 slapped a hand over her mouth as her cheeks upturned in sudden, unconcealed amusement. “Pff— hah! That’s way more pathetic! How the hell did you say that with a straight face?” she squawked, to which R-406 reddened. The flushed trainee clenched their jaw and whirled their head away from B-921, who settled on the crate beside them while snickering still. The moment calmed after a short while, as it always did, and she began unwrapping a small clump of rags that R-406 hadn’t previously noticed. 

“Picked up an extra ration bar while I was over there. Wanna split it?” she offered, unveiling that the parcel in her lap did, indeed, contain two colorless, vaguely lumpy bars inside. 

R-406 stared at the rations with an air of concern. “How?”

Already, B-921 had torn off a corner of one of the bars and began chewing it nonchalantly. “I beelined it there before anyone else and told ‘em to gimme the extra. Said I’d give it to that one kid. Y’know, Klaad’s favorite punching bag,” she explained, voice muffled by the half-chewed food in her mouth, “Either I’m, like, super convincing, or those dead-eyed Mid Ranks at Distribution just really don’t care.” R-406 bristled slightly at the overly casual name-calling of a higher Rank, but it went unnoticed by B-921. “I mean, if you don’t want it, then whatever, more for–“

“I never said that,” they snapped, and B-921 was laughing again. She broke the second bar in two and handed them a piece, and even with just a quick sidelong glance, they could tell it was the bigger half. That wasn’t logical at all, R-406 reasoned with a frown. B-921 was smaller than them. She should eat more, even if it was just a fraction. Of course, they could also benefit from the extra portion of the nutrient-rich substance. Plus, it’d just be annoying to argue with her over something so trivial. So they bit into the ration in silence, long since accustomed to the barely-there flavor that crumbled across their tongue. 

“You shouldn’t do that, by the way,” R-406 mentioned after they finished their extra half. Only just polishing off her first full bar, B-921 glanced up with a rather dumb expression as she sucked the crumbs from her fingers. 

“What, steal another kid’s rations?”

“What? No. I mean, probably, but that’s not what I’m talking about,” R-406 stammered with a shake of their head, “I mean don’t talk about higher Ranks like that. If anyone heard you say that — even if another Low Rank overheard it and reported you to Klaad — you’d be facing a terrible penalty for your carelessness. So watch your mouth.”

The grim warning seemed to bounce right off the girl’s skull, seeing as her initial response was little more than staring forward and blinking a few times. It appeared as if she were considering something, and for a moment R-406 believed that maybe she’d finally unlocked the gift of critical thinking. But they were wrong. “That’s stupid,” she decided, “This whole Rank thing is so stupid.”

R-406 felt as though the brittle reality around them had just cracked into thousands of tiny pieces. Their expression, usually cold and composed, morphed to horrific shock and incredulity. Reason kicked in just a heartbeat later, and they lunged forward to cover B-921’s mouth with their palm while desperately scanning the area for anyone within hearing range. To their relief, even the closest demons were a safe distance away, and this run-down recreational space was only inhabited by Low Ranks, anyways. Only then feeling safe enough to continue talking, R-406 withdrew their hand from the other’s mouth in favor of grabbing her shoulders instead. 

“Are you completely out of your mind? More than penalized, that kind of statement could get us both killed!” their hushed, frantic tone was almost pleading, as if begging B-921 to take back her words. She didn’t, though. Instead, she scoffed and returned their panic with a casual grin.

“You’re over-exaggerating, R-406. Plus, there’s no one around to chop our heads off for complaining. It’s not like any of these guys care enough to report us in the first place, and the upper Ranks are too prissy to set foot in this dump,” she countered, gesturing to the other worn-down and injured trainees littering the visible area. 

Unconvinced, R-406 swallowed. “W…what about…” their voice trailed off, and after a considerable pause, they stared past B-921’s form and into the distance. Following their gaze, she turned around to survey what was causing such an apprehensive expression. Low in the inky black sky hovered an impossibly distant red spot. It was a mysterious thing; the way it inched along the horizon in cycles, how it dimly illuminated their world, and the way one could simultaneously pinch its visage between their fingers while acknowledging its truly incomprehensible scale. No demon knew just how close or how far away this entity was, and such uncertainty bred mystifying tales explaining its existence. 

B-921 turned back with a condescending smirk. “What, you mean the First?” she jabbed. R-406’s steadfast frown indicated their position on this matter, and she snickered again. “As in the First Elite? You seriously think that some guy got too big and powerful to fit on our world, so now he's just hanging out in the sky and watching us? That he’s gonna see a couple beat-up Low Ranks talking crap and go, ‘Grr, better use my infinite power to blow up some dumb kids!’ Wahaha! You still believe in dumb stories like that?”

R-406’s gray skin had gone red yet again from the teasing. “So what if I’m cautious? It’s why I’m still alive,” they retorted, though it did nothing to reduce their companion’s amusement regarding the matter. Growing more irritated by B-921’s annoying cackles, they allowed their composure to slip even further, a thoroughly frustrated grimace on full display at this point. “Stop laughing! All the higher Ranks say it’s true, so—“

“See? Doesn’t that seem a little off to you?” B-921 interjected, suddenly shifting to an expression that seemed just a tad more serious than usual, “It’s a really far-fetched story, but someone as smart as you believes it just because a higher Rank told you to. Weird, right?”

R-406 stared forward blankly. “I don’t follow.”

The shorter demon sighed, running a hand through her fluffy, wild hair as she pieced together her thoughts. “It’s like…none of it’s really real. Not just the story, but the whole Rank system. I mean, there’s no denying that our bodies respond to taking in life force, but why the hierarchy? If ‘universal domination’ or whatever was the real end goal, wouldn’t it be more efficient to help us Low Ranks get more powerful and make an army of Elites than to make us fight for our lives?” 

She chuckled for a moment. R-406 couldn’t begin to guess what was so funny. 

“My theory is that it’s not actually about any sort of noble pursuit, or that it has much of anything to do with the other realms. It’s just a power trip, that’s all. Everyone here is born at the bottom, so when you finally make it out on top, you wanna enjoy it, right? This whole cycle of abuse continues because of demons like that. And they’re all cowards. Every last one of them.”

R-406 couldn’t speak. What were they supposed to say? They didn’t think B-921 was even capable of basic critical thinking, and now she spouts a conspiracy like this? It was blasphemous. Utter sacrilege. They should report her, they shouldn’t even still be listening at this point, but…a terrifying, horrible part of them wanted to believe what she was saying might be true. And an even worse, irredeemably selfish part of their heart didn’t want to do anything that would harm her. It would just be…inconvenient. Yeah, that was it. 

“But all those powerful demons should know how much it sucks to be treated like this! Why doesn’t anyone just do something about it, y’know?” B-921 exclaimed in a sudden outburst, and R-406 had to once again hurriedly remind her to keep her voice down. At least she seemed more like her usual self now. 

“Well…what you’re saying is obviously crazy, but if I had to throw my own hypothetical input into this entirely unfounded theory…” They clasped their hands together and stared at the ground. This was a dangerous conversation. There was no logical benefit to prolonging it, and yet they kept talking. “It’s just as you said: it feels good at the top. Questioning the establishment would mean jeopardizing all that power, as well as negating all your efforts to get to that point. It'd mean wasting your entire life. It’d mean…death.”

A heavy silence pressed over them. After leaning back on her palms and letting her face tilt up towards the empty sky, B-921 muttered, “…You know, for a soldier, you sure do have a pretty big fear of death.”

And it was silent again. 

B-921 swung her legs idly as she looked to the sky, while R-406 remained perfectly still with eyes transfixed on the floor. Neither were looking at anything in particular, as there wasn’t much to look at. Finally, B-921 spoke up again.

“Hey, here’s an idea!” she announced, whirling to face her companion, “Once we Rank up, we should just go ahead and change the rules!”

R-406 gave her an incredulous glare, hardly able to tell her meaningless jokes from her treacherous ideals anymore. “Did you listen to a single word I just said?” they deadpanned. 

She blew a raspberry in response. “Well no duh it’d be impossible if it was just one demon trying to overhaul things, but just think about what we could do with our powers combined! Plus, there’s bound to be some other demons that are thinking the same things as us. We’ll just round ‘em all up and start a revolution!”

They laughed through their nose. It was an incredibly rare occurrence for R-406 to so much as smile, but it was such a ridiculous fantasy, they couldn’t help it. “Sounds like a recipe for disaster, if you ask me,” they noted.

“It’ll work! You’ll see!” she chirped, “And don’t worry — if anyone tries somethin’ funny, I’ll protect you!” As if to further drive this point home, the young trainee tapped a hand against her bicep and huffed triumphantly, and at this R-406 laughed again.

“Really now? Sounds like I have nothing to worry about, then,” they added fondly. 

“Yep! So let’s promise, okay?” B-921 offered the sentence as more of a command than a question, but R-406 wasn’t all that interested in arguing at this point, anyways. It was strange,  but even in the low light of the First, her black eyes still managed to glimmer with hope. “Promise that when we Rank up, we’ll shake things up around here. Together!”

Promises were such childish things, R-406 remarked internally. But maybe it would be fine to be children for just a little longer. 

“Yeah,” they replied, “I promise.”

———

Eike. That was the name they were given at the Ranking Ceremony. Klaad bestowed it upon them himself, as it was customary for a platoon’s commanding officer to conduct the distribution of names after a successful mission. They met the High Rank’s eyes as it happened — taller now, but still eclipsed by their superior. He said that it suited them. That was a cliche line, Eike noted inwardly, since whether it suited them or not was truly irrelevant. What mattered was that it was theirs. That they earned it. They were finally somebody, and that was the first thing they’d ever received that couldn’t ever be taken away by anyone. It was theirs.

The invasion Eike had been drafted to had gone surprisingly smoothly. Out of the select few from their own platoon, as well as the assortment of trainees pulled from other groups, the battalion that was sent to the targeted world was largely Low Ranks. This formula tended to result in a rather hefty fatality rate, but surprisingly, very few of their peers died in the fray. 

With any other world, this may not have been the case. The sentient inhabitants of this realm — fuzzy, bipedal creatures with six limbs in total, whose heights mirrored those of the average Mid Rank — displayed phenomenal arcane potential, but seemed to adhere to a strictly pacifistic lifestyle. It was such a waste of potential, really. Even after their attempts at diplomacy were met with bloodshed and the wiser of the survivors attempted retaliation, it was too late; their paltry days of preparation could never match the lifetime of training each individual demon had. Eike almost felt bad for them. Almost. But in truth, they were more frustrated that they weren’t met with a suitable challenge. Oh, well. Their life forces proved to be marvelously effective, and there would always be more assignments in the future.

Once everyone was dismissed from the Ranking Ceremony, Eike wandered through the crowd of fellow Mid Ranks aimlessly. For once, they weren’t quite sure what to do next. There had never been a day in their life where they woke up not knowing what to expect, nor had they ever had this amount of freedom at their disposal. It was…somehow terrifying. What if they messed up and overstepped their bounds as a Mid Rank? Or would the punishment for displaying a Low Rank’s cowardly obedience prove to be even worse? Before these worries could cloud their head any further, a friendly slap to their back jolted them back into reality, and they gasped.

Right, this familiar camaraderie was exactly what they needed to clear their head! B-921 hadn’t been assigned to the same invasion as Eike, so they hadn’t seen her since the days preceding their departure. There would be so much to tell her, so much to catch up on, and so much to look forward to when she Ranked up, too. Though they would have to scold her for being so rough with their back — which was still painfully sore from developing fresh wings — it would be such a relief to be in her crass presence again. They turned around, eyes flashing with an excitement they hadn’t felt in leaps.

Only the demon behind them wasn’t B-921. It was another Mid Rank — Reden had been the name he was just recently given — that Eike had gotten to know during the assignment. It would be a severe overstatement to say they were close, as their relationship mainly consisted of Reden jabbering about anything and everything for hours on end while Eike feigned interest with curt nods and brief remarks. He wasn’t completely inept, though; in fact, he actually rivaled Eike in terms of physical strength. There was at least some value in making acquaintances for now, but they still couldn’t help but feel a bit dejected by their own false assumption. It wasn’t as though Low Ranks and Mid Ranks could chat normally with each other anyways, so Eike did their best to abandon the hope of seeing B-921. At least until she managed to Rank up, too.

“Hey, there you are, pal! Congrats on making it to the end of the ceremony!” Reden burst into the conversation with an irritatingly loud voice, “What do you think of my name? ‘Reden’ sounds pretty great, right? Klaad said that it was pretty much made for me, and if a High Rank like him tells you something like that, you’ve absolutely got to take their word for it! And what about you? Your name, uh…”

“Eike,” they replied flatly. Reden still hadn’t removed his hand, and it made their flesh itch.

“That’s right! You’ve gotta love how that sounds, right? It’s good and strong. Hey, speakin’ of strong, we never did get a sparring match in! Sure, we were busy with the whole extermination thing, but now that that’s over, we can let loose! Come on, how ‘bout it? We can find out which one of us really is the strongest! Let’s head to the Mid Rank training grounds and try it out!”

His tone was chipper and his posture relaxed, but something about the way his grin stretched just a bit too wide gave Eike a feeling of unease. Was it just paranoia? Or did Reden have some sort of complex about being the indisputable leader of any group he was a part of? In a hypothetical situation, Eike was confident that their endurance would outlast Reden’s in head-to-head combat. As far as brute strength went, however…well, there was no question that Reden held the advantage in that regard. Perhaps that very notion was what spurred him to challenge Eike in the first place. They wouldn’t get a chance to find out.

“What’s with these two? All they think about is fighting,” a nearby demon sneered, their tone raised to a purposeful volume so that the two in question would hear it. Eike didn’t bother mentioning that they had precisely zero input in the spontaneous challenge when they considered who the voice belonged to. Another familiar soldier approached — this one had received the name Voss — flanked by two other Mid Ranks, who snickered at the previous remark. Although Voss hadn’t been much of a frontliner during the invasion, they were still a formidable ally; what they lacked in physical strength was made up for wholly in their skill as a tactician, and it was often the strategies Voss offered that led the troops to such efficient and ruthless victories. Eike certainly respected them, but frequently made it a point not to get too comfortable in their presence. After all, the most dangerous demons were the ones you couldn’t read.

Reden simply responded with a chuckle and a theatrical shrug, finally granting Eike the small reprieve of personal space. “What’s wrong with wanting to stay in shape? It’d be a damn shame if we worked so hard to survive our first invasion only to die in the next one,” he replied casually. Though they weren’t quite as enthusiastic about the prospect of a brawl, Eike did have to agree with the second part of the statement. It was easy for a fool to think life was a downhill slope after surviving one assignment, but in reality, safety wasn’t guaranteed even in their own world. Fortune favored the bold, but it also favored the wary; failing to find the balance between those had cost countless upstarts their lives. 

“But it’s good to see you alive and well, my friend! And with such a wonderful name, too! That name being…” Reden’s voice trailed off, clearly cuing Voss to chime in. They didn’t bite. “Of course, it’s…erm…”

“Honestly,” Voss sighed through a tight, mirthless grin, “It’s not that difficult to listen every once and awhile. Though I suppose you are living proof that it really is impossible to have both brains and brawn. Isn't that right, Reden?”

Reden smiled in response. It was the same smile he put on when asking Eike for a fight.

“Quips aside, we were just about to head to the Mid Rank dormitories. There’s a chance we may land the fresher, more accommodating rooms if we beat the others to claiming them, and I don’t know about you, but I could certainly use a comfortable bunk after sleeping on those damned cots throughout the entire assignment,” Voss relayed as their entourage nodded vigorously in agreement.

Eike hummed, understanding the logic behind the explanation, but feeling lost as to why it was relevant to either them or Reden. Was it just to gloat? Or was there some tactic to this sudden conversation that they were just missing? “That would be wise,” they replied carefully, studying the other demons’ reactions to determine whether or not this response was adequate, “Best of luck to you, then.”

When the brief silence that followed was accentuated with a cocked head and raised eyebrow on Voss' end, Eike was certain they had missed some sort of deeper meaning after all. “You mean to say you’re not coming along?” they asked.

Now even Reden was giving Eike a confused stare, which only addled them further. What did he of all demons understand that they didn’t? “Am I…” they ventured, eyes flicking between the faces of all the surrounding Mid Ranks, “...Supposed to?”

“Well, when you put it like that, it sounds mandatory,” Voss laughed, “It was just an invitation. You know, between friends.”

Eike froze, their jaw clenching instinctively to prevent any more thoughtless words from escaping their lips. 

Friends. Friends…?

This was what friendship was? They hadn’t known it could come about so easily. Throughout their life, such attachments were deemed unnecessary – both by themself and their peers. Fraternizing with weaker demons meant being weighed down, and latching onto stronger demons meant inevitably being disposed of. So then, Eike wondered, what came of grouping with others who were more or less equal? Perhaps there was a strength in numbers. Or perhaps it was a means of ascertaining one's potential rivals. A race to exploit each other’s weaknesses, maybe.

Well, there was no rule saying it couldn’t be all of the above. If it was beneficial to be “friends” even for a short time, then there was no logic in refusing the offer. Eike couldn’t say they trusted any of these new friends of theirs, but trust wasn’t necessary for friendship, right? They all had something to gain. That was what mattered. And maybe…it wouldn’t be so bad to have a place to belong. Just for a little while, anyways.

They drew in a breath, finally feeling clarity in their flurry of thoughts. “I–”

“Uh, ‘scuse me.”

All at once, that clarity raged into a tempest. Eike felt their veins run cold, felt their breath catch in their throat, as a voice more familiar than any other rang out in a place it didn’t belong. Not here. Not now.

“Sorry if I’m interrupting something, but I kinda need to talk to that tall one in the middle there. Eike,” the voice continued. The sound of their newly-earned name on her voice was clunky and unnatural, like trying to shove a key into a lock it wasn’t made for. “Oh, it’s private. Forgot to mention that. But I’ll make it quick, okay?”

Eike felt the others shift around them, but couldn’t find the strength in themself to turn around and face B-921. They didn’t understand why, but it felt like they had been caught doing something wrong. That was an asinine thought, though; they had done nothing to feel ashamed of, and even if they had, she wasn’t strong enough to threaten any consequence. So why couldn’t they shake this growing dread?

Voss was the first of the Mid Ranks to speak. “What’s that scrawny thing doing here? Think it was so dumb that it lost its group?” they snickered coldly, speaking as if the demon couldn’t hear their cruel words, yet meeting her eyes all the while, “Seems like you need a lesson in manners, Low Rank. Truthfully, I’d love to teach you myself, but we’re in a bit of a hurry. I’d be happy to inform your commanding officer of this little indiscretion, though.”

B-921 didn’t even flinch. “Believe it or not, that was me being polite,” she stated firmly. As Voss’ smile faltered, the air went frigid.  “I’ll say it again for you, but seeing as you’re in such a rush, I won’t beat around the bush this time: shove off and give us some space. We’ve got somethin’ really important to talk about, and it doesn’t involve you. So beat it.”

A second passed in terrible silence. Another in horrifying stillness. One more, and Eike felt nauseous. This wasn’t bravery. This wasn’t even foolishness. It was suicide. B-921 must have known this, even despite her unrealistic ideals on the Rank system. What was so important that it couldn’t wait for a safer opportunity to be brought up? Just what was her end goal from this senseless provocation? And why did she have to drag Eike into it?

It was Reden who stepped forward next, already flexing his sharp, black claws. He’d used them to tear open flesh countless times before, and from the way his inky eyes glinted with dangerous intent, he would assuredly do so again. It was the final moment of calm before the storm, a last chance to grovel and flee before all hell broke loose. Still with their back to B-921, Eike prayed for the sound of retreating footsteps, or for the Mid Ranks to decide a whiny trainee wasn’t worth their time. Neither happened.

“And just who the hell made you an Elite overnight? I can’t tell if you’re delusional or just fucking stupid,” Reden began in a sneer, the facade of friendliness having been quickly replaced with unconcealed malice, “I already knew you lot of Rankless scum were useless, but you’re not even that much. You’re a parasite; being worthless isn’t enough for you, so you have to drag everyone else down to your level. You really think a cancer like you can tell a Mid Rank what to do? Huh?”

She laughed at that. The situation had become utterly surreal. It was as if a predator’s approach had been stopped short by the mere titter of its prey. 

“That’s rich. Weren’t you all Low Ranks just a few leaps ago?” Everything stopped in that moment. Reden stopped moving. Voss stopped smiling. Eike stopped breathing. A line that should never be crossed had just been trampled over, and time seemed to simply cease passing. All that remained was the measly Low Rank who rejected common sense. “Besides,” she said, “My friend here will tell you the exact same thing. Neither of us think the Rank system is fair, so we’re going to change it.”

Eike could feel everyone’s gaze shift to their stiff figure. It felt as though an invisible cord had been wrapped around their torso, squeezing the air out of them, constricting their ribs so they couldn’t so much as try to take another breath. This shouldn’t have happened. None of it should have happened. Two worlds that were never meant to meet were colliding into each other with full force. Eike didn’t want to be a part of either, so how exactly did they get caught in the middle? Why did everyone else choose for them? Why couldn’t they speak up when it counted most? And why did everyone keep calling them ‘friend?’

“Eike,” Voss muttered, “Is that true?”

They just wanted to get by. They just wanted to survive. It didn’t matter if they excelled, it didn’t matter if they thrived, it didn’t matter if they were part of some grand cause. B-921, if she could just see that, if she hadn’t dragged them into this in the first place, none of this would be happening. If she’d just stayed in line like Eike had, like they always tried so damn hard to do, she could be traveling to the Mid Rank dormitories with the rest of them. They could all be friends.

“...C’mon, what’s with the cold shoulder? I thought you’d be excited to see me after so long,” B-921 addressed the statement towards Eike with a chuckle, but there was a considerable apprehension in her tone that had been absent in her prior declarations. “Are you feeling alright?”

That cord pulled tighter, to the point where it felt like they may keel over from the pressure. Stop talking, Eike pleaded inwardly, Please stop talking. Stop worrying about things out of your control. Stop dreaming of the impossible. Stop endangering yourself. Stop showing weakness. Stop thinking. Stop, stop, stop.

“Hey… You remember, right?” There were soft footsteps approaching slowly now, and though the other Mid Ranks had been ready to cut B-921 to her knees before, they didn’t dare interfere now. “That talk we had? You remember what you said, right? Hey, look at me.”

This wasn’t what Eike wanted, this was never what they wanted. How were they supposed to know B-921 was being serious when she talked about a damn revolution? They were kids! If she had been at the invasion, if she had Ranked up, if she had only tasted what it felt like to earn strength after being powerless for so long, she’d understand. They just wanted her to understand. They just wanted her to listen for once. They just wanted her by their side again.

The cord tightened, and tightened, and–

There was a gentle tug at the back hem of their uniform. “Hey, R-40–”

The cord snapped.

A rush of demonic instinct overcame Eike in such a furious wave, it blinded their vision with a searing white. Faster than they’d ever moved in their life, the Mid Rank swung their leg in a powerful arc and connected the side of their foot with B-921’s side. It was their signature attack – the very same one they’d spent a lifetime practicing and refining against the very same opponent – only now, instead of stunning her or merely knocking her off balance, it threw her into the dirt several paces back with a sickening crunch. There wasn’t so much as a second for B-921 to recover before Eike had thrown themself on top of her, pinning the Low Rank easily with their newly acquired height advantage. They ground a knee into her chest, deaf to her cries, no doubt putting even more strain on whatever ribs they’d fractured from the kick.

“Don’t call me that!” Eike bellowed through a positively animalistic snarl.

“I’m sorry,” B-921 whimpered, her voice hardly more than a pitiful wheeze, “Eike, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean–” Her babbling went ignored. “Don’t you EVER call me that! That’s not my fucking name, that demon doesn’t exist anymore! I earned this name, this Rank – I earned it! You wouldn’t know what it’s like to work for something like this. All you do is chase stupid fantasies! If you dedicated even a fraction of the time you spend dreaming utter nonsense to actually getting stronger, you’d realize how this world works. You’d grow up, you’d move forward, you’d– you’d STOP dragging me behind!”

A moment passed where all either of them could do was fight for breath. It was fleeting, but somehow, there was a bittersweet nostalgia to it all. Clashing, wrestling one another to the ground, staring at each other’s dirt-caked and flushed faces as they caught their breaths. In another time, this would be the point where B-921 smiled, sighed, and admitted defeat. And Eike would offer her a hand, help her get back on her feet, then limp together to Distribution for their rations. But B-921 didn’t smile. Instead, her face contorted into a grimace laden with pain, despair, and betrayal.

“You…spineless fucking rat!” she screamed, shoving her aggressor’s knee from her chest. The shrill sound reached every corner of the ceremony grounds, drawing the attention of more than just Mid Ranks, and even stunning Eike to the point that they didn’t stop her from grabbing fistfuls of their uniform. “You coward! You promised me! You promised! How could you say that, when you’re the only one I–!”

The ground rumbled from the force of a sudden impact, and the cataclysmic outburst was silenced in an instant as an imposing shadow smothered them both. B-921, enraged to the point of tears just a second ago, gasped and paled in sudden terror, and as soon as Eike looked up, they understood why. In a clearing of his own making, the looming figure of Klaad stared down at them, massive wings still outstretched from his brief flight across the grounds. The High Rank’s eyes would have been piercing even without his unique features, but the unsettling asymmetry of them made his gaze downright petrifying. While his right eye displayed the same pupil pattern one may find on an average Mid Rank, his scarred left eye evinced countless rings patterning the entire sclera. Such rings were a sign of a demon’s power level, and Eike had only heard rumors as to how Klaad attained so many, or why they were confined to just one eye. It was a mystery they certainly didn’t plan on pursuing any time soon.

“My, my. What a ruckus,” the deceptively diplomatic voice of the commanding officer reverberated through the weaker demons’ bones, causing them to tremble involuntarily, “And at a ceremony, no less. How very, very unseemly.”

Klaad bent forward with an inquisitive expression. The proximity reminded Eike that despite their own physical growth upon becoming a Mid Rank, they were still practically a sapling compared to the hulking form of a High Rank. It was hard to believe they were even the same species. “Hmm… Oh, this won’t do. Young lady, your training group is under my watch and jurisdiction, is it not?”

B-921 couldn’t respond. Klaad tutted with a shake of his head.

“To think one of my very own crops would instigate such an ugly scene on a day like today. Don’t you realize how this tarnishes my image? Oh, I do hope I haven’t lost my touch as a trainee officer. Age does make a demon rather sloppy, you know.” He redirected his gaze to Eike, flashing a pleasant grin that chilled them to the bone. “What do you think, Mid Rank? Have I become sloppy?”

“N…” Eike swallowed. It was bad enough that they’d already stuttered, but acting like a pitiful, wilting leaf in the presence of a superior was unacceptable. A true demon retained their dignity, even in the face of danger. They steadied their voice. “No, sir.”

“Well said, well said! So then,” Klaad snapped his focus back to B-921, a darker, more primal smile twisting across his face now, “Let’s see what you think, my dear instigator. If you’re able to even tempt the thought of smearing your grimy fingers on my reputation again by the time we’re through, then we can conclude that I have, indeed, lost my spark. However, if I’m able to render you incapable of opening that treacherous little mouth again – assuming you even survive what’s in store – well…I suppose I’ll have to start giving myself more credit!”

With a mere flick of his wrist, B-921 was suddenly pulled from under Eike by an otherworldly force, leaving them to scramble for leverage in the dirt while trying to ascertain the Low Rank’s new position. She was struggling now, effortlessly overpowered by a shifting gleam of arcane energy that suspended her high in the air. Their eyes met, only for the briefest of moments, as a desperate, final plea reflected in Eike’s terrified gaze. This wasn’t supposed to happen. None of this was supposed to happen.

With his rogue trainee secured, Klaad snapped his wings open once more, but paused briefly to address Eike with another smile. “Oh! Again, congratulations to you,” he offered, eyes narrowing in demented glee, “I do so hope you’ll continue living up to the name I gave you.”

And with a powerful gust of wind, he and B-921 were gone.

The following heavy stillness remained in place for a long time. The small crowd of curious onlookers that had accumulated eventually dispersed, not wishing to incur the wrath of another High Rank, while the original group of Reden, Voss, and the other Mid Ranks slowly crept back towards Eike. For as chatty as they'd been before, none of them said a word at that time. It was hard enough to process what had just happened, let alone resume business as usual.

After doing naught more than stare at the ground where their companion had once been, the Eike’s gaze hardened, and with uncanny, mechanical movements, they brought themself to their feet.

“We were going to the dormitories, weren’t we?” they asked. Even they were surprised by the chilling evenness of their voice. The other demons exchanged glances and a few hushed whispers, but Eike didn’t really care to ponder their meaning.

“Y-yes, of course we were, until that little…er, distraction came along. I’m sure there’ll still be plenty of good rooms left for us if we hurry,” Voss replied. Their tone lacked the usual smoothness and confidence it normally carried.

Even Reden seemed cautious to meet Eike’s gaze. They were all acting as if they were Low Ranks again, scared of their own shadows. It was pathetic. “Yeah, let’s get going. I think there must be something in the air here that’s driving us crazy,” he laughed in an attempted joke. “What a weird Low Rank. That’s what she gets for believing in fantasies and promises, I guess.”

As the group traveled and attempted to repair the atmosphere with light conversation, Eike remained quiet. A memory attempted to resurface itself from the depths of their mind, but they forced it back. Not here. Not now.

———

The memory of that day certainly smoldered in the corners of Eike’s mind every now and then, but in the leaps that followed, they began to learn what normal life meant for Mid Ranks. The dorms were, indeed, much more accommodating than the bunks Low Ranks were crammed into, but the ones they’d ended up with were no more or less notable than all the others. Voss made sure to voice their distaste regarding that. They were still kept busy, of course – Ranking up didn’t come with any sort of vacation – but rather than a repetitive and grueling training regiment every day, their schedules saw a welcome variety of other tasks. 

Most of the time, they were assigned jobs that best suited their talents. They would change every so often based on the demand for a position, but most remained rather tolerable, and some Eike even found to be downright enjoyable. Organizational jobs like weapon inventory and preparing supplies for distribution were among their favorites.

There were also classes to attend every few days. Education at this level — reading, writing, basic math, et cetera — was a privilege only offered upon achieving Mid Rank, and Eike couldn’t get enough of it. They loved the feeling of filling in those blanks in their mind with new information, connecting the pieces of that which they already knew with that which they recently discovered, and achieving new heights as the steps passed by. It was a shame that these lessons couldn’t be every day, as Eike would have gladly traded all the jobs in the world just to keep on learning. It was almost an addiction.

Additionally, the Mid Ranks still trained frequently, but the only mandatory sessions were held once every few days. Everything else was left to each individual’s own discretion, and while some saw this freetime as an opportunity to take it easy and relax for once in their lives, Eike continued to practice. There was no telling when their next assignment would be, and there was no guarantee that it would be as lax as the last one. Plenty of Mid Ranks died in battle, and as far as they were concerned, sitting around doing nothing was merely a means of adding to that tally. Reden was usually happy to volunteer himself for the position of a sparring partner during these sessions, but when Eike wasn’t in the mood to deal with his loquaciousness, he didn’t press the matter any further. Not anymore.

It wasn’t that Eike’s “friends” avoided them. They still maintained a more-or-less stable camaraderie, and spoke to each other near daily. But after Eike’s unprecedented outburst, the group seemed a bit more apprehensive of them. Maybe it was fear, and maybe it was respect. Sometimes, they wondered if it was because the other Mid Ranks believed what B-921 had said, and thought that Eike secretly concurred with treacherous conjecture. Whatever the reason was, it didn’t matter. They welcomed the distance that others willingly kept from them.

Despite Eike and B-921’s disastrous falling out, a part of them hoped they could reconcile one day. It really was just a misunderstanding that had been blown out of proportion, and even though B-921 ended up getting hauled away by Klaad, it was seriously unlikely that he killed her. Eike liked to believe that after she healed up from whatever torment the High Rank put her through, B-921 learned her lesson, took some of Eike’s words to heart, and redoubled her efforts to Rank up. That way, they would be able to talk normally again. Eike would apologize, and B-921 would probably punch them, but ultimately they’d make up. That’s just the kind of demon she was.

There was actually one time that Eike had business near their old training grounds. They knew it wouldn’t be all that likely that B-921 would be out at the same time they were – and even if she was, a Low Rank and a Mid Rank couldn’t just have a casual conversation without raising serious suspicion – but a part of them still hoped they’d see her. Low Ranks at her age were prime for assignment selection, so there was at least an increased chance she’d be in the grounds preparing for that.

And as it would turn out, their hopes came true.

She was quite a distance away, but Eike recognized her wiry frame and fluffy hair even from across the field. It seemed as though she was attending some sort of assembly rather than training, given that the Low Ranks were all grouped together and unarmed. After a moment of deliberation, Eike realized they recognized that setting. It was an assignment debriefing, after all! That news made their chest swell. Everything they dared to hope for was falling into place, and they could hardly wait to speak to B-921 face-to-face. They wondered idly what her name would be, and just as they began to ponder whether or not she’d end up taller than them, something unexpected happened. Their eyes locked.

It might’ve been an accident that their gazes met, but now that they were more focused, Eike noted certain details they had missed at first due to the extensive span between them. She had far, far more scars than Eike remembered, including a severe gash that cut across her mouth diagonally. B-921 had always been somewhat thin in stature, but she’d never looked so…brittle. It was hard to tell from the placement of her many bandages, but it almost seemed as though certain bones were protruding from beneath her skin. Had she been eating properly?

Unease replaced the excitement Eike had felt a moment prior as they took in her appearance and anxiously awaited her response. Of course, they knew it would be far too foolish to wish for a smile, or even a polite nod. Even still, any acknowledgement – a scowl, a sneer, even just a slight frown – would have sufficed plenty for them. Anything.

But B-921 didn’t react at all. Eike began to wonder if she even recognized them. The Low Rank just stared through them, past them, glassy-eyed, empty, until she deemed the information of the assembly director more important, and directed her attention back to the task at hand. And that was the end of it.

Even that occurrence had been leaps ago. There were no more encounters with B-921, no more unexpected outbursts, and no more reminders of the past. All Eike could do was silently and privately hope that her invasion was going well, and that whatever realm she’d been assigned to was treating her kindly.

The shuffling of a stack of parchments elsewhere in the room grounded their focus once again to the task at hand. Eike sighed and carded their claws through their hair, ruffling the strands as if it might shake those nagging thoughts out of their brain. How shameful it was to become so deeply distracted during a job – especially one as unique and opportunistic as this. They had recently been recommended to fill in for a vacant position dealing with invasion archives, possibly due to their assiduous work in other organizational tasks thus far. It was a position typically reserved for more experienced Mid Ranks, as it required competence in both reading and writing, but apparently one of the workers had simply stopped appearing for his shifts, and the archives found themselves woefully short-staffed. Eike wouldn’t go so far as to say they were especially proficient in written language yet, but those lessons were among their favorites, and they often studied the subject independently. It was better than nothing, the Mid Rank archivists seemed to reason, so Eike ultimately landed the position.

For most of the day, they worked quietly and independently, only consulting others to fill in the gaps of their developing literacy. The end of their appointed shift was close, and they couldn’t help but feel a sense of satisfaction at how much they’d accomplished in the day. It was slow work, but invigorating all the same; after poring over so many records of past battles and conquered realms, how could any demon not feel pride in the accomplishments of their race? It was only when they stood up to begin tidying their work area that two other archivists walked in, each carrying a considerable stack of scrolls and documents.

“Bastard had to go AWOL without tipping us off about all the paperwork he had piling up, didn’t he?” one of them grumbled, dropping her burden onto a nearby table with an unceremonious thud. “Just look at this mess.”

The other one sighed in agreement, depositing his load in a similar manner before ducking and stretching in front of a wall of shelves with searching eyes. “Can’t say I blame him. I wouldn’t want to be in charge of the Endstation files, either.” He huffed a sigh. “Yet here I am. In charge of the Endstation files.”

Eike cast a cautious glance in the direction of the heaping pile upon hearing which invasion they covered. Naturally, every demon who lived and breathed knew about Endstation. It was the only realm in known history whose militaristic power was on par with the demons’ own, and they had been in a vicious stalemate since long before Eike was even born. The Elites evidently deemed that world too precious of a resource to ignore, and steadfastly refused to withdraw the troops from its surface. No one knew exactly what that "precious resource" was, but if even the Elites sought after it, there was no questioning its worth. It was even fabled that killing just one Endstationian would be enough to elevate a Low Rank straight to a High Rank, but it wasn’t as though any had succeeded in that attempt. After all, the Low Ranks that were sent to Endstation never came back.

It was supposedly some sort of distraction tactic the High Rank soldiers deployed to gain a momentary advantage, but whether it actually worked was somewhat doubtful. Everyone knew the real reason Low Ranks were sent to Endstation was to clear up space in the bunkers for new trainees. It was a humane execution, all things considered, to die with honor in a battle for their homeworld. That was what the Low Ranks were told, anyways.

“Seriously,” the first demon chimed in again, “How long has it been since he abandoned post? Two leaps? Three? That’s how much backlog we’re dealing with.” She plucked a rolled up document from the top of the pile and gave it a brief read, then pursed her lips in thought. “From the looks of it, he left just before the most recent draft. You think he had some sort of death wish and volunteered to chaperone the meat shields?” 

Eike pondered that information with a slight frown. They hadn’t heard anything about an Endstation draft in the past few leaps. It did make sense, given that Mid Ranks didn’t exactly have to concern themselves with the looming fear of being sent to that hellish place anymore. Still, there was a strange mist accumulating behind their eyes. Their thoughts felt fuzzy. Just over two leaps ago…well, it was just an estimate, but wasn’t that the last time they had seen…?

Their legs began moving before their mind could catch up. Eike could tell that the two archivist demons were saying something to them – maybe that the shift wasn’t up yet, that it wasn’t time to go – but none of it registered. Eike wasn't sure where this was coming from. They weren’t worried about B-921, of course. They had no reason to be. She was still completing her assignment, after all. In a realm that treated her kindly. By now, she would have already Ranked up. She would have made friends with the other soldiers, would have given them a hard time and teased them just like she always did to Eike. And when she came back, when Eike apologized, they would hear all about the world she went to, and tell her about the one they visited, too. Because she never went to Endstation. Because she was fine. Because Eike needed her to be fine. 

They started sprinting.

The route to the training grounds was ingrained into their body, even if their mind longed to forget it. Breath after ragged breath scraped through their throat, a panic settling in as the memory of that day replayed in Eike’s mind. B-921 said she needed to talk to them. She said it was urgent. It wasn’t until now that the Mid Rank realized they never found out what she wanted to say. It was so important that it couldn’t wait. It was so important that she risked – and received – a run-in with Klaad. But it was all just an exaggeration, right? It was just a misunderstanding! She always did stuff like that. She just had an affinity for hyperbole. It couldn’t have been this. It couldn’t have been.

Upon reaching the field littered with sparring Low Ranks, Eike’s eyes roamed the landscape frantically. It wasn’t hard to locate the ever-watchful shadow of the demon who had once been their commanding officer, and against their better judgment, Eike approached Klaad with as much composed urgency as they could manage.

His asymmetric gaze snapped upwards in an instant, calculating at first, probing the Mid Rank for some sort of silent explanation, before that artificial warmth spread across his features and he addressed Eike with a smile. “Well met, soldier,” Klaad greeted as he folded his hands behind his back, “If I am not mistaken, Mid Ranks have no business wallowing in the filth of the Low Rank sector. Has there been some sort of urgent complication that I am needed for?”

Eike withheld a tremor as they forced their eyes to meet Klaad’s. Dignity, even in the face of danger. That was what constituted a true demon. “Somewhat, sir. If you’ll excuse the vague answer,” they began trepidatiously, “I was sent from the invasion archives. A Mid Rank in charge of the Endstation documents has abandoned his post, and left many gaps regarding the recent developments of the battle in his wake. We would like to request a list of the Low Ranks drafted in the most recent attack at your earliest convenience, sir.” Klaad’s grin grew thinner. “Yes, I’ve been made aware of the…untimely disappearances. I must admit, they’ve been a real thorn in my side.” Eike’s head tilted slightly as they briefly wondered if he’d misspoken. Disappearances? “But, ah, you silly thing! I’ll wager you’re new to the archives, given your status and the nature of your request. See, all the necessary paperwork was submitted leaps ago, and a list of trainees is not among that. Affairs with Endstation are only documented when demons with Ranks are involved, so I’m afraid the document you’re requesting doesn’t exist.”

Eike swallowed. They had to keep trying. “Be that as it may, sir, there’s something we wish to check regarding an outstanding Low Rank. I understand that this request deviates from protocol, but is there any way a list could be formed regardless?”

For a moment, Klaad’s interest seemed piqued. “What was this outstanding Low Rank’s identification code?”

In the moment that Eike faltered, the outcome of this confrontation was decided. They couldn’t reveal that it was B-921, or their intentions would be transparent. Even still, their reluctance to answer was proof positive of the unstable lie. The game was over. “I’m sorry, Sir, but I can’t—“

“That’s enough, then,” the High Rank declared lowly with a small flick of his barbed tail. In an instant, Eike felt a paralyzing force pulse through their veins like a formless venom. They tried to speak, but couldn't; it was as though the shimmering force occupied the open space of their throat, choking them into silence. It felt much too hot, much too foreign, and the way the magic energy seemed to prick every surface of their body from the inside out was utterly nauseating. Seeing as their feet still met the ground, though, this must have been a fraction of the power Klaad had used previously against B-921.

“You know, for a moment I thought this infantile charade of yours might actually bear a shred of useful information. It would seem I became the exact sort of fool you took me for, hm?” he sneered, stepping far too close for Eike’s comfort. “Where you mustered the audacity to pose such a fatuous request is beyond me.  A list of condemned Low Ranks? Do you honestly think I file a report for every single shit I take? Do you?”

If they had the capacity to vocalize any sort of discomfort, Eike was certain they’d be just shy of a scream. The pressure of the arcane energy multiplied in intensity all around them, threatening to crush bone or tear skin if it persisted much longer.

“You forget your place, Mid Rank. You think that just because you sprouted wings and had yourself a little growth spurt, you’ve made it to the mountaintop. The harsh reality, though, is that you’re hardly even out of the valley; the only thing that separates you from these festering maggots is the measly handful of lives you took,” Klaad gestured to the training grounds, where several of the braver Low Ranks dared to look on in curiosity, “That’s all you are. You’d do well to act like it.”

Just as the strain from the tortuous magic became unbearable, the energy dispelled, leaving Eike to collapse and hack up bile onto the ground. Klaad whirled around to bark threats at the trainees that had paused their regiment to spectate, then, once satisfied, resumed his downward glower at the Mid Rank’s heaving form without a trace of emotion.

“It would seem you need to sharpen yourself even more, soldier. Sentimentality doesn’t become you.”

Eike didn’t respond. Klaad allowed it, turning on his heel as he set off in another direction. “Consider the outcome of this encounter an act of mercy on my part, but know that there will never be another. We have no need for a weapon that weeps.”

It was over.

They wiped their mouth, stood up, and trudged back towards the dormitories. It was all they could do. Everything kept moving, regardless of whether Eike could keep up with it or not. Everything would continue to change, yet everything would always stay the same. Those who were strong survived. And those who were weak perished. That was the only constant of this world.

But strength did not equate bravery, and weakness did not equate fear. Eike understood that with painful clarity now. There was no room in this place for a trainee unfit to be a soldier. There was no hope for a child who dreamt the impossible. There was no good deed that went unpunished. There was no kind heart that went unbroken. Everything kept moving. The constant remained.

Somewhere, in a dingy corner of the Low Rank slums that not even the light of the First could reach, a young demon wept, alone. Their cries went unanswered, so they thought, until the shuffle of little footsteps approached them slowly. Looking up, they saw a girl, steady on her feet despite being in vastly worse shape than themself. She crouched in front of them, wiped their tears, and smiled. It would be alright, she said. Things could be scary on your own, but they were together now. So it would all be okay.

And what a wonderful thing that was, the young demon thought with a small smile of their own. To have a friend must truly be the most wonderful thing in the world. 

TW: sexual assault

I just need to vent. I saw a post today (and it’s been the case almost everyday this last week) of a certain Gwynriel posting about Gwyn’s SA and how she can have a sexual relationship. I know when Elriels even bridge this conversation we get destroyed and told we’re disgusting. I think there are obviously problematic takes on both sides of this and a lot of nuance. However, even when very informed people share their thoughts about this topic, that side goes into attack mode. Even when it’s sensitively handled, people get attacked. Even when it’s clearly stated nobody is saying Gwyn or survivors cannot have a healthy sexual relationship. Even when it’s stated this is just the opinion based on how Gwyn’s character is written and how challenging that book would be to write (and read) with power dynamics, etc.

Well today, I saw a post of a bigger Gwynriel saying that Gwyn is not a virgin and I am just…at a total loss. I sincerely do not know how this is not incredibly offensive, but people on the other side who say Gwyn is very traumatized and has severe concerns associated with her trauma, to the extent that this would be a highly triggering and complex book to write, are evil and offensive. How is it not extremely offensive for somebody to associate a violent sexual assault with a character not being a virgin!? R*pe is not consensual. It is not sex.

If this person is so upset and opposed to this dialogue, why discuss it all the time? Why bring this up every single day this week?

I’m sorry but it’s frustrating for us to be told we’re these evil and terrible people for saying that a character who is a survivor of sexual assault, who lives in a court-funded shelter for vulnerable women and can barely leave said shelter without 1. Permission and 2. High levels of anxiety and struggles to be around men, would have a more powerful story healing outside of sex and a man. It’s so frustrating that this is such an offensive take to them, but it’s fully acceptable to use this character’s sexual assault as a rationale for why she isn’t a virgin and can have a sexual relationship?? It’s fully acceptable to say that Gwyn is going to jump into a sexual relationship with bdsm involved when she hasn’t even expressed sexual interest in anybody? That’s acceptable?? But we’re the bad guys for pointing out Gwyn is uncomfortable around men and this would be a highly triggering book for so many actual, real-life women bc the book would have to deeply explore themes of intimacy after sexual trauma and have an on page first sexual experience after this?

Just because some people heal via sex and bdsm does not mean it would be and is healing to all people who have been through a similar experience.

There would have to be major disclaimers and trigger warnings to that book. And that’s something a lot of people just do not want to read. And that’s valid. I don’t want to read that, personally, either. And I want better for Gwyn’s character than for this to be the mechanism of her healing. For sex and a man, who witnessed this happen to her, and is in a position of authority and has power over her, to be that vessel of her healing.

Idk - it just seems like there is ownership of this topic on that side. I’ve seen posts accusing us of not being survivors when statistically we know this isn’t true and is again, insensitive. There is just so much nuance that is missed. People respond to trauma differently and some characters are written with more symptoms than others. If it’s somehow acceptable to say Gwyn isn’t a virgin (when as far as we know the only experience she has had was non-consensual), but it’s unacceptable to say her character, who is written as highly traumatized, may need more time and her healing in this regard not happen on page after the last book where we left her struggling to leave the library to go to Nesta’s mating ceremony, idk what to even say.

It really feels like some people in this fandom are absolved of accountability and can say horribly offensive things but it’s ok bc they’re gwynriels. How is that compassionate towards a character you claim to care about?

And using Rhys and Lucien as a rationale for why this is possible is just…not even a justifiable comparison. There is so much nuance to this and again, everyone recovers and responds differently. Rhys and Lucien can be around women comfortably. Rhys and Lucien can be in public spaces. Gwyn will get there, but not bc of a man. But bc of her own strength and fortitude in her recovery.

All of this nuance is why I think it would be difficult to write this story sensitively. I guess in summary, of course Gwyn can have a sexual relationship. I don’t think anybody has said otherwise, as far as I have seen. It’s the timing and nature of these spinoffs that make it difficult to give this story the justice it deserves. And I argue that there is nothing offensive about believing that. But there is something highly offensive about saying Gwyn isn’t a virgin when we know her only sexual experience to have been non-consensual.

Sorry. I needed to get that out.

I agree with everything you said, Anon. I think, overall, Gwynriels are so consumed by this ship, the overwhelming NEED for the ship to happen that they fail to see the optics of the ship.

In general, Gwyn wasn't written to be in any ship, at least as it was written in ACOSF, Gwyn wasn't written to be a LI to any many, let alone Azriel. Her whole history was made up for SJM for one purpose, to put her in the Library and make her a friend to Nesta.

This utter misunderstanding and misappropriation of her character by GAs leads to all these very charged and uncomfortable conversations. The issue isnt that she is ready or not ready, or that people in RL ready or arent ready for sexual relations -- it's that she wasn't WRITTEN as a character who was meant to be having any sex with anyone. She isn't going to be tying Azriel up with the ribbon in the Library, or having BDSM sex with him, because again, she was written as a Valkyrie and a friend to Nesta.

That's why the infamous bonus was so sexually charged in the beginning, and then completely lacking in any sexuality in the second part. The sexual potential, the attraction,the desire were firmly set up with elriel. NOT Gwynriel. That's why Azriel wouldn't touch her, that's why there is an underlining theme of him being her teacher, being an 'opponent' to overcome (aka cut the ribbon), and her not being interested in him.

It's not 'oh evil Eriels don't want Gwyn to have sex!!! because they hate women with SA!' (we've all heard this nonsense). We don't give a fuck, frankly, if Gwyn has sex. What we DO understand is how characters and interactions are written. If Elain is extremely uncomfortable with Lucien, we are not going to twist and write 50K metas about how she is secretly pining for him. Sometimes, things are stated with specific intention. Same with Gwyn and Azriel and Gwyn and men--SJM isn't going there, because it's not a place she needs to be as a writer and that's not where her story is going. The setup is Elriel. That's it. It's not us. It's the author, who didn't write Gwyn as a LI. That's it.

Greetings,

1. Your content is very helpful, big thanks for answering questions so thoroughly!

I have aspd+npd and adhd.

cd in childhood ✔️

So I started therapy again, had my 3 visits to get-to-know-eachother and soon will have weekly or so appointments.

Now she ain’t really familiar with cluster b (I know I know…), but no other therapist in my area takes new patients or is familiar with the topic either.

Now today I told her about my diagnosis’s straightforward and she’s all about “not labeling symptoms as diagnosis’s”, she’s an in depth-psychotherapy psychologist and works with the NVC nonviolent communication concept by Marshall Rosenberg *deep sigh*

“Based on the teachings of Sigmund Freud, traditional psychoanalysis deals with the reconstruction of long-repressed memories, while depth psychology focuses primarily on the "present conscious".”

Now I know I will have to withhold my “I know better about this” reactions to some degree, I told her about cluster b treatment being specific and a lot of other disorders have same/similar symptoms aka having labels like aspd&npd IS HELPFUL CUZ NOW YOU KNOW WHAT YOURE WORKING WITH?? (+do precise research)

but we talked a little bit about me experiencing npd shame and she was like: “well that contradicts itself, you cannot have aspd and experience shame, aspd lacks that & you appear to be a nice lady anyway” *implodes*

The mocking laugh I had to withhold omg.

Now going by the books at least >3 symptoms have to be present & I have more than that.

Everyone experiences it differently, idk if it’s even considered somewhat of a spectrum?

And I HAVE THE LITERAL DIAGNOSIS ANYWAY.

Like what does she not get about me ALSO HAVING NPD COMORBID?! and shame being the core of NPD?

Now… I’ll probably stay with her for a while (if I have the self control) since I really need therapy to some degree at least, cuz things suck big time right now.

And my question is how to teach her her job and explain the aspd&npd comorbid stuff to her and that labels do play a role here? Idk just overall advice?

End of frustration rant🤦🏻‍♀️

-K

Thank you, I do my best!

TW, all caps text in the response (not aggressive, in a surprised/reaction way)

I'm just... gonna liveblog my response to this bc I have so many feelings on this therapist already and I have barely read 1/4 of the ask yet.

Not being familiar with cluster b pds actually isn't always a bad thing. I will happily take unfamiliar over some of the so called specialists in that area who believe in "narc abuse" and the like. I generally recommend people who think/know they have ASPD to seek out therapists in the range of trauma specialists over cluster b specialists for that reason.

Ugh, I can't stand the "I don't like labels/diagnoses" therapists enough already when they're referring to new ones while in their care, but to say that to someone who is telling you about a dx they already have is a new low.

Not the Freud! Not the "present conscious"! Gross gross all around imo. If that works for some of you that is awesome but I can't stomach that kind of therapist just for me personally.

Reconstruction of repressed memories is tricky because if they don't handle that right it is a very sensitive moment for them to fuck up/say something shitty, so I personally prefer to let those bubble up naturally, but because I have DID (oh ya, that official dx happened btw) they are more likely to bubble up for me than for a singlet. It makes sense to me that singlets would want a therapist for that.

OH DEAR FUCK I DID NOT THINK IT COULD GET WORSE. Ok so unpacking that - pwASPD absolutely experience shame, which is extremely common in traumatized people of any variety. In fact, shame is a very common symptom of PTSD. Remorse and shame are not only not the same, but they are so far removed from each other than even most ableist prosocials know and admit that those two are not even in the same family.

The "you appear to be a nice lady" is the icing on the "Get the fuck rid of this therapist if you can" cake for me, because it reeks of ableism and sexism at the same time. AFABs often have their symptoms of ASPD ignored entirely or intentionally mis-attributed to autism or BPD because they just cannot fathom an AFAB not thinking like a lady. ASPD is demonized and AFABs are infantilized and their tiny prosocial brains blow up because those two cannot co-exist.

I, to be quite honest, would chuck her in the unfixable pile. I wish I could give you advice on this, but there is just too much ableism, sexism, and ignorance in how she reacted in just this single interaction you described for me to think she's salvagable. When it's one little thing you can sometimes teach them/get them to learn with you - even though that is literally the opposite of what therapy is supposed to be - and get something good out of it, but with all of this I think it presents a much larger risk to you to try.

If you can't switch any time soon, I would try and stick to discussing non-cluster b issues as much as possible.

I can not and do not give professional advice because I am not a professional and in good conscience, I can't advise leaving one therapist without a direct plan on how and when to get another one ASAP. But I will say that specifically in relation to cluster b disorders, this therapist sounds like she will be more damaging than anything for that. That doesn't mean that she can't help with other conditions or stressors you're experiencing in the meantime, though!

Plain text below the cut:

Thank you, I do my best!

TW, all caps text in the response (not aggressive, in a surprised/reaction way)

I'm just... gonna liveblog my response to this bc I have so many feelings on this therapist already and I have barely read 1/4 of the ask yet.

Not being familiar with cluster b pds actually isn't always a bad thing. I will happily take unfamiliar over some of the so called specialists in that area who believe in "narc abuse" and the like. I generally recommend people who think/know they have ASPD to seek out therapists in the range of trauma specialists over cluster b specialists for that reason.

Ugh, I can't stand the "I don't like labels/diagnoses" therapists enough already when they're referring to new ones while in their care, but to say that to someone who is telling you about a dx they already have is a new low.

Not the Freud! Not the "present conscious"! Gross gross all around imo. If that works for some of you that is awesome but I can't stomach that kind of therapist just for me personally.

Reconstruction of repressed memories is tricky because if they don't handle that right it is a very sensitive moment for them to fuck up/say something shitty, so I personally prefer to let those bubble up naturally, but because I have DID (oh ya, that official dx happened btw) they are more likely to bubble up for me than for a singlet. It makes sense to me that singlets would want a therapist for that.

OH DEAR FUCK I DID NOT THINK IT COULD GET WORSE. Ok so unpacking that - pwASPD absolutely experience shame, which is extremely common in traumatized people of any variety. In fact, shame is a very common symptom of PTSD. Remorse and shame are not only not the same, but they are so far removed from each other than even most ableist prosocials know and admit that those two are not even in the same family.

The "you appear to be a nice lady" is the icing on the "Get the fuck rid of this therapist if you can" cake for me, because it reeks of ableism and sexism at the same time. AFABs often have their symptoms of ASPD ignored entirely or intentionally mis-attributed to autism or BPD because they just cannot fathom an AFAB not thinking like a lady. ASPD is demonized and AFABs are infantilized and their tiny prosocial brains blow up because those two cannot co-exist.

I, to be quite honest, would chuck her in the unfixable pile. I wish I could give you advice on this, but there is just too much ableism, sexism, and ignorance in how she reacted in just this single interaction you described for me to think she's salvagable. When it's one little thing you can sometimes teach them/get them to learn with you - even though that is literally the opposite of what therapy is supposed to be - and get something good out of it, but with all of this I think it presents a much larger risk to you to try.

If you can't switch any time soon, I would try and stick to discussing non-cluster b issues as much as possible.

I can not and do not give professional advice because I am not a professional and in good conscience, I can't advise leaving one therapist without a direct plan on how and when to get another one ASAP. But I will say that specifically in relation to cluster b disorders, this therapist sounds like she will be more damaging than anything for that. That doesn't mean that she can't help with other conditions or stressors you're experiencing in the meantime, though!

is Bates Motel scary? I'm a horror wimp but have been curious about it

i wouldn't say it's scary in a jump scare horror sense per se, most of the fear is very psychological, but i'd want to give you a dozen different trigger warnings if you're sensitive because it is very dark and deals with heavy themes. saying that sounds like a negative - it's not, i love the show, and like i said to the other anon, S4 is a beautifully done (elegiac, i recently used that word to describe something else, but it's apt here) season of television, though by nature as a prequel/reimagining a heartbreaking tragedy, and the entire show builds upon that and examines difficult topics. putting them under the cut, also light spoilers due to the subject matter.

huge trigger warnings for sexual assault, not only because there's a brutal instance of it in the pilot (you see it coming, that doesn't lessen how terrible it is), but it's not forgotten or avoidable, norma's life has been shaped by this. she's a sexual assault and abuse survivor through childhood, through marriage. her dynamic with norman is molded by this too, both due to her trauma influencing her as a mother and her closeness with him being predicated on this idea that he's the one man she can depend on and trust while he's simultaneously her baby that she wants to shield and protect. he witnesses her being physically and emotionally abused by his father (the most upsetting instance of this comes up in 4x06), which is the origin of his disassociative disorder. it goes without saying their dynamic is complicated and upsetting, her attachment to him and his fixation on her is not normal. their relationship is also tender and empathetic. they love one another in profound and terrible ways, theirs is the central unconventional dynamic of the show.

the sexual abuse norma has survived is probably the part i'd urge the most caution about, it's a topic i actually often avoid myself, but in this context it becomes a necessary part of understanding her. idk if you've ever watched dexter, but in S5 of that show, the arc deals with that theme (in a different way than here, but still, it's difficult), and the character affected by it is also one of my favorites, it's always been a rare example of a show where i felt the theme was handled very carefully and humanely rather than exploitatively. i feel the same way about norma (maybe excluding the pilot scene - which drives everything else that happens, so i can't say it's unnecessary to the plot, but it feels every bit as cruel as it is). and she is a survivor, she is not defined by her experiences, but they also linger with her continually. inc*st/csa is part of her backstory, and affects the present story in relation to another main character (i can't say more without totally spoiling a plot). a subtle undercurrent of her arc is also the casual cruelty men inflict and the damage of misogyny on so many women (some of which she's understandably internalized). she also weaponizes her sexuality and the thrall men feel towards her at times, which is not an uncommon response to the things she's been through, even though she doesn't like/blames herself for that.

there's a very sad accidental animal (dog) death in S1, which also ends up providing necessary story. norman gets into taxidermy, which we see instances of, but he never hurts animals himself, and he tends to the ones he preserves with a great amount of reverence and care. there's some body horror given what happens to norma and her ending up in the basement.

S1 is kind of a mess with a couple of subplots, but it improves immensely as it goes. (and i think the subplots end up serving the characters well in the end.)

obviously, given the source inspiration, there are murders, committed for various motives by various characters, so tw for violence/blood, brutal at times. matricide (it's not graphic at all, though). there's also some involvement in the drug trade.

norman's deteriorating mental health is a constant part of the narrative and it deals quite bluntly with how broken mental health care is and how difficult it is to get proper treatment (and how terrifying and dehumanizing that process can feel). it is deeply sad as we watch him get worse. so tw for depictions of mental illness, medical neglect (imo), depression, hallucinations, and suicidality.

hopefully that covers everything! i don't want this list to sound too awful, writing it out probably makes it sound worse than it is as an organic part of the story. it's worth watching, but you should always take care of yourself first!

Hi if it isn't too much trouble could I request obey me brothers headcanons for a gn suic!dal reader? If it's too much of a sensitive topic then it's totally okay! Thank you ^^

Suicidal!MC

TW: suicidal ideation

~ OK so originally i had written longer scenarios but then it all deleted and i was starting to trigger myself so imma keep it super minimal

- When MC is acting off all week he decides to confront them

- He panics when they start crying

- Holds them close and whispers sweet nothings in their ear to calm them

- He decides to get one of the best human world therapists and starts to keep a journal of their mood so he can recognize warning signs easier

- If they take meds he keeps them on him and gives them to MC only when they need it / are scheduled to take it.

- Has one of those cute lil medicine week containers that he goes through and refills every week

- He finds out when he calls MC a stupid human and they break down

- He doesn’t get it bc he’s done it so many times? why are they acting like this now?

- When they say everyone would be better off if they died he immediately has them in a tight embrace

- “Don’t go sayin’ stuff like that human. Even though I call you stupid I mean no harm by it. You’re MY stupid human.” he tries to comfort them but it comes out a little funny which makes MC laugh

- If any of his brothers start to snap at MC or threatens to kill them he’s in their face in a second in demon form saying threats in a deep harsh tone

- He often will drag MC into his stunts to keep them distracted and up and moving so they don’t have time to be idle and think about death (idk if that helps everyone it just helps me ;-;)

- Ok I feel like Levi for sure has suicidal thoughts, have you heard the things he says

- So when he recognizes MC’s behaivor he confronts them and they agree to work together to get better

- They have a lot of sleepovers as nighttime is the worst for them both

- If either of them is acting off during school they end up skipping together and agreeing to do online classes instead

- Levi enjoys holding MC and it feels like he finally has a reason to stay, because if he wasn’t there he couldn’t protect them

- He had studied human psychology many times over the years and so he recognized MC’s little movement and anything that indicated they were having some sort of episode and neeeed help

- He is the first brother to notice and the first time he sees them starting to act strange he drags them to the back corner of the library and sits with them

- He keeps a lot of books that remind of MC back there so he can show them the books and explain his favorite parts

- Thinks MC is one of the strongest people out there since they were already mentally ill and still remained alive after being dragged into hell during their sleep

- Vocalizes his admiration a lot to them to make them feel happy and cared for

- He doesn’t get it. He doesn’t understand why someone would hate themselves so much

- He’s only ever known narcissism so self hatred was a foreign concept

- He decides not to stress MC out and pretends he doesn’t know but starts doing small things to spoil them and remind them they are almost as beautiful as him

- He starts doing more spa nights with MC to calm them and gets less flirty and more wholesome around them in an attempt to make them happy

- But when they tell him they miss the old him his heart bursts and he coddles them how the normal him would just without making them uncomfortable

- Also looks up ways to counter the side effects of medicines they take so they don’t get bloated or acne or just pain in general

- What causes him to notice MC’s odd behavior is when they keep giving him the majority of their meals because they were too tired to eat

- He becomes his big teddy bear self and watches out for all of MC’s warning signs every second possible

- Will research foods that are meant to give the happy chemical (I literally can’t remember which one it is) and buys/bakes them for MC

- If they say one negative things about themselves they are engulfed in a big hug with their favorite snacks in front of them

- Understands that sometimes its hard for MC and doesn’t push them more than he has to

- When he can sense their tiredness growing stronger and more often he gets worried

- The final straw when he knows he needs to do something is when MC makes a joke about how they shouldn’t have traveled back in time and just allowed him to kill them

- He stays awake just to ensure they don’t sleep all day and he talks with them

- Both probably end up in the attic talking about mental illness since its obvious that he definitely has some sort of mental illness as well (probably depression and PTSD)

13 Anti LO Asks

1. ok but thats seriously what bugs me so much about LO, it never actually lets serious moments be serious, it's always lampooned by rachel's insistent need to force in her juvenile "humor" and never actually depicting how pressing things are. even the following moments from persephone's r//pe was undercut by hades making stupid puns! i understand if rachel cant write something more serious than "[x] is bad" but if thats so, then dont try it? because thats how you end up with this pretentious mess.

2. since when did lo hades have earrings??? i legit do not remember this ever being a thing??? is he trying to be hip with the kids 😭my man you still look like a crusty old man the earrings arent helping 😭

3. lo hermes looks and acts like flaky from happy tree friends and no thats not a compliment (TW for gore, blood, and violence if any of you google it)

4. Even though the earlier art style was better there are still some cursed panels from the earlier pages that still haunt me. Especially the way Persephone was drawn differently in so many of the panels.

5. lo hades has such "how do you do fellow kids" energy and im not sure why

6. im also confused on the fertility goddess stuff because how stupid is persephone if she didnt notice? she can create life and nature without even thinking and shes implied to be a genius in biology, so how would she not even notice this? if RS really wants to go with this plot, then why have her professor bring it up in class? why not show persephone going to her uni's library to research the topic and pouring over it? that's an easy way to show persephone's intelligence, yet LO doesnt even try.

7. What I wanna know in LO was how Demeter and Hestia were compensated after the war. The three brothers got to be kings and Hera is queen, but what we know of Demeter is that she had a millionaire dollar business that’s probably made it on its own (unless she was helped out) and then Hestia all we really know about her is that she runs that TOGEM and idk if there’s only 4 of them, Hestia really had a group by herself for a bit since Athena is Zeus’ (assumed) daughter, Artemis (Zeus’ assumed daughter) and persphone (newest member) which seems shitty since they won a war together

8. I think what happened with LO’s art style was RS got “lazy” (I’m lacking the right word). I feel like without the colors all of the men in LO have the same body type, and Hermès and Apollo may even have the same face if they smile the same. So to compensate for that lack of body diversity, RS doubled down on Hades’ features to make him stand out more to really show he’s the male lead. However, even in her own words he looks like Persphones’ “dusty ass dad”

The women use to be a little different but they’re all starting to blend with body types. Her was small, but now she’s short and busty like Persphone. RS makes Persphone look short and busty all the time but almost childlike. Minthe was skinny but her last moments she was busy. Aphrodite I feel was just busty but then tried to make her look small also with Ares and Hades beside her. Hestia stayed the same but is still small and busty. Athena was tall and thin (?) but now she’s tall but busty (and her relationship with Hestia looks like it mirrors HXP). Idk I just feel like the longer screen time the female characters get the more they start mirroring Persphone’s look. Like even Artemis was getting empathized on being small next to her brother Apollo. Like all the girls gotta look small but curvy as the story goes on. 

9. Demeter: watched her friend get ripped in half. Watched her friend get continually cheated on, paying the price for not hiding a mistress , watched metis get eaten, her back clawed, fought in a war. Later made a daughter who’s a fertility goddess (probably an accident) and now has to raise her. That same daughter then went on a rampage and isn’t really remorseful

Fans: Demeter is such an overbearing mother who gets in the way of our ship.

10. on regards to ace characters, asexuality is a spectrum like everything else, so a lot of asexuals actually do enjoy and have sex, so the maidens doing so isnt inherently a problem, its the fact rachel is clearly viewing it through a strict binary where she assumes asexuality is something that can be "fixed" over time/when the right person comes along. its also a bad modern reading of it, as "virginity" in an ancient sense meant via marriage, not via sex, but I doubt rachel cares to factcheck it.

11. Imagine an elf is given a job to do at a human institution. The humans think elves don’t need bathroom breaks, since they know they can hold it for days, but this elf has been traveling to reach their job, and has already been holding it to the point they are in pain. They ask for a break, but their job is important and time sensitive, so they admit they can still hold it when asked. After a full day of work, the elf tries to reach the bathroom in time, but they were never told where it is.

From OP: I think this might be a nymph allegory? Anon never specified so I'll put this here anyway.

12. ya know if hades has to lie to make apollo seem worse (who does not need much in this comic) its like??? why is he persephone's lawyer then?? lawyers are literally told not to lie, this is basic law 101. thats why they dont want their clients to mention to them if they actually did the crimes because then the lawyers have to say it in court. if hades lies so casually just to keep persephone away from justified punishment, then thats bad actually!  both in being a decent person and as a lawyer!

From OP: Hades didn’t lie but he was definitely out of line. RS liked a tweet saying that the wife thing was “subconscious” so it probably was. (Still doesn’t make it right but I doubt he’d say those things on the stand.)

13. I know Minthe was written in a way she was suppose to be unlikesable, she’s rude, she yells and she doesn’t hesistate. HOWEVER RS wrote her character badly. Minthe is so unliked? How was she able to be a bad gf to hades and Thanatos? Like yes it’s an affair but how was she able to pull 2 gods?! We don’t hear Hades or Thanatos say what they like about her BUT they both still had a fling with her. (Honestly I feel it’s cause RS can’t bare writing one nice thing about the female anatangoist without trying to make Persphone look good)

The other thing bothering me was everyone knew about her relationship with Hades after she put it on fatesbook, but everyone talked about the kiss in such a positive light IN FRONT OF HER. Aren’t they suppose to be scared of her? Why did the girls in the yoga class/dress shop had so much to say about that kiss? Because they knew persphone? Did they know every other detail too? What was their actual beef with Minthe?

I feel like realistically some more characters would have sympathy for Minthe if they didn’t know her that well because of Hera. Everyone knows Hera is a pill to deal with and she’s the goddess of marriage who hasn’t really tried bringing Minthe and Hades to the alter. That right there should let everyone know that Hera probably doesn’t help the situation.

Idk, I feel like RS could have gone deeper and made the character not such HXP shippers cause most people wouldn’t cheer for cheating nor an old ass guy getting with a 19 year old. (Idk how fast the news of the slap spread, but I doubt it made it to every place in their fictional world)

hiatus.

hey, PurpleProse/Grey (on Discord) here. if you're reading this, it's because I've linked this post and you're wondering what's going on, along with why I'd suddenly go and cut off access to my own social media. well, I'm more than happy to explain. I'm going to be giving a lengthy explanation + vent the cut. if you just want the summary, it'll be before that. TL;DR: I have Issues, and was spending too much time on social media to procrastinate + cope with said issues. this has led me to fail a lot in Important Life Things, making my family members stressed out over me. it has culminated-yesterday-in me putting off completing something important. my mom found out about the procrastination and got very mad at me over it, along with my usage of social media in general. she now wants to kick me out of the house in a month. my dad's more lenient, but wants me to cut off all my social media in general, which is what I want too. partly in the hopes that I'm not kicked out but also because I know that it would be beneficial for me to get my Internet usage under control. idk when I'll be back. I'll still be posting fanfiction over on AO3 (my username there's the same as my Tumblr and Twitter), and if we're close mutuals, you can always PM me to hash out an alternative means of communication that isn't social media. in the meantime, I hope you all have a happy & fulfilling 2022. I don't think it'll be too different from 2021, but the world needs more kindness & more people who are willing to fight for that-in terms of their own wellbeing and others'. so if you can, please be more kind. also CW/TW for discussion of mental health issues in general, yelling and emotional distress. this is going to be heavy.

I've had mental health issues ever since I was a kid. I'd much rather not go into a diatribe about them, so I'll just list off some (key word being some-I'm not comfortable talking about all of them) symptoms that I know are affecting me now: lack of focus + motivation, memory recall problems, and excessive anxiety/worrying (especially in particularly stressful situations). haven't gotten professional treatment, but I'll look into that when I know I can afford it. for a long time, I've been using social media & the Internet in general to cope with said problems, especially through procrastinating. this in turn has made me avoid tackling things like driving on my own and being studious in university classes. my grades were terrible before the pandemic and continued to stay that way when it started. that's why I'm taking a hiatus until Fall 2022, actually-my GPA wasn't enough for me to stay in enrollment, and I can't go back to classes until then. my parents are Not Happy about this. especially my mom. they both mean well and have given a lot to help my sibling and I. her way of conveying that isn't great, though? sometimes I'll hear about how keeping us both adds to the finances, for instance, and...there's no doubt that it's true, but it also makes me feel weird. I'm not sure if I'm being overly sensitive when it comes to that. and ofc there's the yelling she did that I'll get to. anyways, yesterday (the 29th) I joined a livestreamer's PowerPoint night (think your usual presentations but of a topic of your choice, so they're infinitely more fun), and I believe it was after my presentation that I had to do Something Important that was basically an obligation for irl-related stuff. to be clear: I don't blame the livestreamer at all for what happened. it was my choice to make slides & present them. the only regrets I have are a) I didn't do the bulk of my work until the last minute, thus spending too many hours yesterday on it, b) my presentation was too long and had to be sped up for time, c) I stuck around for the rest of the stream afterwards, not touching that important task at all... ...and d) that I ended up feeling tired afterwards because of a) and c). my Something Important task had something I figured I'd ask my mom about, despite it by then being late in the evening, she offered to help me on it, even eating some food (to help keep her awake while helping me, I think). I asked if that could be postponed to tomorrow because I was so tired. she ended up getting mad because I'd dedicated too much time on that extraneous activity instead of tackling that Something Important task. completely understandable, especially given my past experience with not doing things. but then at some point she started raising her voice and yelling at me. I think this was when I was struggling to respond to one of her questions, but I'm not sure. whenever I'm put in a situation like that, I tend to block out the semantics of her...rambling? angry tirade? it went on for some time, too, late into the night. granted, I did stay up afterwards anyway, partly because I was trying to process what she'd did, but still. she also told me to come up with a plan before today, but I don't remember what it was for, and it didn't matter, because then she called my dad. they both mainly hashed out what had already been said by my mom last night, but more calmly this time. my mom had told me last night that she wanted me to get out of the house in a month. today, I found out that my dad either wanted me to stop using social media or go along with my mom's plan. idk what's going to happen-it'll be hashed out tomorrow, hence why I'm typing this. I figured there's a bit of leeway for me to explain things and make a goodbye message, so I might as well take this chance. I'm hoping I won't be kicked out of the house in a month, because I don't have a lot of income. things would be tougher for my physical and mental well-being if that happened, even with a month to prepare. my mom thinks that it'll help me see the real world but ik all it'll make me to

is have me more susceptible to less than ideal situations. I don't want to fall into poverty and/or be inclined to be more self-destructive. still, in the event that it happens I have to leave the house, I'll still keep fighting to maintain a sense of well being, even if it's hard to come by. I've been struggling a lot for a while, at times even giving up on myself, but I'm still here anyway. and I think that counts for a lot. and regardless, I need to atone for what I've done, at least. my mom's reactions don't wholly feel acceptable to me, but that's no excuse for me to put off my responsibilities-to not give myself the life I need. I've messed up a lot during my struggles, which has to stop-and that can only be done by me taking accountability. my family & myself deserve that peace of mind, at least. plus, it'll be nice to figure out more about myself, work on writing fics & my other hobbies, that sort of thing. if you have read through this, thank you. again, I don't know when I'll be back, but I'll be posting on AO3 for as much as I can with fresh fic content. I'd also like to thank the friends I've met over the past few years on the Internet, specifically on Twitter, Tumblr & Discord. I've always loved talking with you all, sharing my interests with you + vice versa, and overall being able to be myself in a safe space. it means a lot more than you know.

MatsuHana fanfic recs

HI LOVES :D MatsuHana is one of my FAVORITE ships and I always love reading their fics! I’m procrastinating my other wips rn, so that do be why this is coming out rn LOL. Also that ask really made me get onto writing this, so anon thank you for sending it in LOL. There are some with VERY sensitive topics and they’re very BOLD, but I hope you all are safe while going through this list <3 (also matsuhana leans more to lots of drinking, spicy smut scenes, and teenage boy humor (like d*ck jokes and sexual innuendos) and sometimes I don’t remember to warn for that, so again CAUTION)

As always, pls check WARNINGS, TAGS, and SUMMARIES for fics before reading and make sure you’re taking care of yourselves (since mental health is key!) Stay healthy loves <3

CP:

plus one by orphan_account (G) 6.1k // this fic made me feel so warm and fuzzy inside LOL. It’s also hilarious and is definitely worth a read! When will I get to share a heart shaped bed with someone :( But I really love it when they just go with the flow of things, and other people are like,,, aren’t you already dating? BUT THEY’RE LIKE UMMM NO? HSAKJSH.

rated m for by orphan_account (T) 10.7k // I love this fic it made me laugh so much throughout the whole thing! The vibes in this fic are immaculate and give me life (we love a good reunion with mystery writers), it is SO good! That’s why you should never leave/stop listening prematurely (@ iwa when he was a single dad fic). 

This gets annoying fast, Makki by Ink_stained_quills (G) 2.3k // IM IN LOVE WITH THIS FIC PLS I COULD NOT STOP CRYING TEARS OF LAUGHTER. This AU needs more fics PLEASE. It was SO freakin’ funny and the other teams KILLED ME. Like how they all approached the problem differently and how some of them (KUROO) asked for help LOL. Please this is so freaking funny go read it.

quidditch gloves, parchment, and custard cream by h_lovely (T) 12.4k // THIS IS SO GOOD, I love this fic. It really takes you through the emotions, and I love all the development in it!!!! Their relationship with one another (but only as homies right? ofc ofc), and even their families loving the other, this fic is so good! Read it even if you don’t like slow burn, you won’t even notice <3333

call me maybe by totooru (T) 33.6k // okay yea another (semi) chat fic,,, fight me. MatsuHana are just funny in general but throw some other characters (like Kuroo) into it and it turns into a comedy show. But the main point of this fic was like the near miss meetings and I think that the misunderstanding were hilarious (as much as I hate misunderstandings LOL).

Magical Mishaps and How to Deal by plumtrees (M) 10.9k // I lost this fic once and I searched for it FOR THE LONGEST TIME. But that’s cause I wanted to reread this masterpiece. IT’S SO FUNNY AND CUTE AND DOMESTIC AND UGH. Also the small angst made me SO SAD. But the ENDING? THE KISSES AHHHHHHH. (I’m yelling a lot BUT that’s cause I really love this fic <3333)

hang out fall in love by carafin (T) 8.6k // I love the Makki hates Mattsun initially but then falls for the irresistible charm he posses trope. It might be my favorite trope for MatsuHana specifically LOL. Like I really love this fic and it has MAGIC. It’s like a magical version of the VA one LOL. But like no radio shows or reunited best friends in this one :(

THESE ARE VERY ANGST!!!!!!!

boiled frogs by reginagalaxia (E) 91.5k // is it possible to hate a character this much? I never realized how much hate/rage I had in me. Really. Like. Imma boutta fight this MF LIKE SQUARE UP. The way I tried to manifest a fake characters death like,,,, Anyway. If my RAGE doesn’t explain how good of a freakin writer they are, then idk what will. PLEASE READ THE TAGS AND WARNINGS, THERE ARE VERY SENSITIVE TOPICS!!!!

Even Though it All Went Wrong by plumtrees (T) 9.2k // THIS IS THE REASON THIS POST CAME TO BE. I love this fic with all my heart (or what’s left of it). Like LOVE as in, this fic really broke me beyond just breaking me. Like. When Oikawa says what he says to Mattsun after the thing (you’re sorry __ _____ __ ____) and the Iwa right after (we know __’__ ___ ______ to make you ____ __ ____) (if you’re wondering wtf I’m putting here, just ctrl F you’re sorry and you’ll see), you cannot believe how hard that hit. GOD. (I am okay if you’re wondering :’)) This is my #1 favorite angst fic of all time and if you are okay mentally and have read the tags and warnings and are fine with them, then please read it. PLEASE READ THE TAGS AND WARNINGS, THERE ARE VERY SENSITIVE TOPICS!!!!

The Truth Comes Out by Your_Friendly_Neighborhood_Pigeon (T) 10.2k // this made me so sad and empty after I read it. Like I just sat there being like wtf did I just read I’m sad now. Again read the tags, there is a suicide attempt but there’s also some cheating in this one. This one also ends happy. PLEASE READ THE TAGS AND WARNINGS, THERE ARE VERY SENSITIVE TOPICS!!!!

New:

kiyala // this writer has a LOT of fluffy MatsuHana and I really love their works! It’s just all (for the most part) really cute and there’s a lotta blurred lines and boundaries that get cleared up (they define what their relationship is but with ~love~) in their fics :) My fav? Making Sense by kiyala (T) 1.5k // it’s very cute and I am one who loves when things just fall into place :D

tookumade // this writer has some of MY FAVORITE MatsuHana fics in it and I’m kinda really sad I don’t get to ramble on about them here :( (dw I will elsewhere LOL) If I had to choose, I would say Remind Me by tookumade (T) 28.6k and Zenith, Nadir by tookumade (T) 10.7k were my absolute favorites, but I cannot choose between them so don’t make me.

plumtrees // I LOVE THIS WRITER OMG. Again, someone who has written my all time FAVORITE fics (did I mention OF ALL TIME?) and I’ve obsessively read some of them too many times :’) Because I already recommended my other faves above, Captured Light by plumtrees (T) 3.5k will be my acting favorite rn. It’s really cute and depicts some really sweet moments between MatsuHana too!

h_lovely // this writer has SO MANY GOOD FICS! I really love their series and their getting together fics are all SO GOOD UGH. I recommended my favorite teen one above, but the other ones I loved are explicit so just check out this writer in general LOL. (I REALLY love mirror flower, water moon, it’s my favorite but it’s E cause some smexy scene happen, but it’s really SO good omfg. Also the roses series IS AMAZING as well!!!!)

cream puffs and carnations; by crossbelladonna (series) 11.6k // AU SERIES!!! I love the AU’s in this series and I really liked the prompts they chose for this MatsuHana week :D My favorite from this series might’ve been there he is again by crossbelladonna (T) 1.6k cause a) I love the mattsun hc in this (for his appearance) and b) IT’S CUTE :D I definitely related to Makki and his not very subtle crushing, and also I like the IwaOi + Makki as friends trope (and then they meet Mattsun), if you couldn’t tell yet LOL.

on the anatomy of crushes by carafin (T) 2.3k // (kinda cp but not LOL) it’s very short and cute and I love it a lot LOL. I love medical AU’s (even though it’s very back burner LOL), but also, like Mattsun saves the day is the move. Like the dedication he has even going on the bus? Especially for a guy? Amazing. I could never :’)

Parallel Lines by orphan_account (T) 16.3k // IN LOVE WITH THIS FIC LIVES IN MY MIND RENT FREE CONSTANTLY. I hate math. Just putting that out here. And while it’s a math fic, IT? IS? SO? GOOD???? And like I love it when characters are smart, like I love intelligent characters so like this was just ajndf. (also same Mattsun, I am allergic to normal math.) 

live it up, drink it in by punybastard (T) 2.1k // GAH this one! This is a pretty iconic fic in MatsuHana hell (in my personal opinion) and if I didn’t have that two fic limit on my staple fics, this would be there. I really loved the ending of it (v cute and v well done), but also the small side stories that were inserted made it all the more entertaining :D (aka the volleyball) But they are drinking underage, so if you’re not about that BE WARNED.

it's cold out here by bishounen_curious (M) 8.6k // PLEASE I LOVE THIS FIC. YES READ YESYESYES READ. OKAY FIRST check tags and warnings, there’s a lot going on in this fic. Like don’t be stupid like them, drinking underage, and don’t do drugs not a good idea very very bad. Aside from that, I am in love with sad sad sad Makki (along with stupid IwaOi) and him being a sad drunk made me ajhkjdfs. Just read it and feel the akfnakjs with me LMFAO.

poolside by tothemoon (T) 4.1k // I’m starting this out with I LOVE the ending and I REALLY LOVE the way this confession panned out. It’s such a great concept and it made me ajhfldshf inside!!! Also, recursive endings are some of my favorites (if you couldn’t already tell LOL), and I think it really makes something so nostalgic and adds depth to a fic.

The Courage of Stars by FairyLights101 (T) 7.1k // AHHHHHHHHHHHHH I LOVE THIS FIC YES!!!! OKAY TW CANCER THERE’S CANCER IN THIS NO DEATH JUST PAIN and chemo (which basically is pain). Some controversy, but the angst part of me wanted him to die DONT GET ME WRONG, I’m glad he lived, but like imagine. I really love this fic, and his efforts in the bucket list were admirable :’)

we could be the greatest team by anyadisee (T) 5.7k // it’s my crack fic :D Yes, this is just Seijoh messing around, boys being boys, relationships being compared with other relationships. No pining, just me with my established relationships (and Iwa fanclubs cause those are a thing. ALWAYS).

Wet Your Whistle by darkmagicalgirl (E) 5.4k // SMUT ALERT okay but like while it’s a major plot point (lmfao I can’t believe myself), the storyline itself is good. Also, I’m all here for bartender Makki and tattoo Makki and not subtle at all Makki and basically everything Makki. I like banter and stupidity okay?

[obnoxious clucking noises] by parenthetic (renaissance) (T) 3.4k // some more crack fic for you <3333 Literally, just idiots being idiots. That’s the fic. LMFAO but seriously, I would like to participate as well,,,,, I have yet to lose a game of gay chicken cause of my lack of fear akdjaslk.

that's what you get (for waking up in vegas) by skittidyne (T) 4.2k // THIS IS SO FUNNY. I love Elvis cause he’s always officiating marriages in my fics LMFAO. But also IwaOi in this added some real nice comedy, and overall another crack fic but I really liked this one (AGAIN LMFAO).

A Bouquet of Flours by guyfierimpreg (G) 5.2k // first I want to know how they got the flour to scream, I just can’t figure it out so if anyone would like to send me pictures that’d be great. Second, they would do this bs and this is all canon. I said what I said, and I don’t take criticism. Like, matsuhana best parents proven by the magical mishaps fic (LMAO).

texting (with a capital S) by parenthetic (renaissance) (M) 2.1k // okay I just wanted to say that the accuracy in the math stuff being mentioned makes me feel like this writer was in calc ab or something and that’s trauma right there. Anyways, it’s a texting fic kinda sorta getting together kinda sorta not? Idk how to explain it, but it was funny and then smut LMFOAJIAHFSJS (the derail was just like IwaOi in gay chicken, someone call the police LMFAO).

nebulas by tothemoon (T) 10.8k // I like the casualness of it. Like the confession was just so casual (smooth Mattsun) and like the progression was GOOD. Like, it’s a very poetic fic and there’s lots of thinking of deeper meaning, but its still got some comedy sprinkled throughout. I really loved the flow of it!!!!

my heart beats for contract law by orphan_account (T) 4.4k // I too would have a breakdown over school (me pretending like I haven’t already done that ahaha), but I really love so many things about this fic! Everything was just so ajsdfljdsn and I really love the 3 part plan Mattsun comes up with :DDDD (esp pt 3). Also, to propose while having an emotional breakdown at 3am in a McDonalds drive through. A mf dream.

Reflex by hiuythn (T) 2.3k // PLEASE IF THEY DIDN’T MEET AT HS THIS WOULD BE CANON ASF. You cannot tell me you don’t think this would not be cannon asf. They would meet like this. Also poor Teuchi stuck in the middle of all of this. I haven’t watched naruto, but it doesn’t really matter. What matters is random emotional sexual bonding over something. That is important. (THE ENDING AJKFHKJ)

You're in Pink (and I'm in blue) by Hyeyu (T) 4.4k // whooooo Hanahaki whooo anyway, despite how it seems, I like the hanahaki trope. I don’t fully understand it sometimes (most of the time tbh), but it adds some nice angst and desperate confessions, and I do appreciate those :D Honestly, I really liked the way this fic panned out, and I felt really bad for Iwa LOL.

stranger things by tinypersonhotel (G) 10.2k // I really like this one :D:D:D I love Makki + Oikawa friendship and they’re really the best to each other :’) The ending was satisfying, and the PLOT omg. It was SO good. I feel like I say this a lot though LOL, but I’m just really into fics with good plot progression (or else I don’t read them OOPS).

something of a disaster by latenights (T) 1.4k // chaos ahahhaha. Another crack fic? I hope no one is surprised LOL. It’s just a really short and simple, cute getting together fic with a LOT of insults LOL. I love this one in particular, “Tooru’s dinner special”.

snakes, meth labs and something like love by orphan_account (G) 3.6k // THE ROOMMATE AD PLEASE. I honestly would never think Oikawa would get a snake, but that doesn’t matter LOL. This was me indulging myself in the makki IwaOi best friends and mattsun stranger agenda but it’s a great agenda okay? It’s a good fic and there’s a microwaved fish :D

Lemonade by carriecmoney (T) 4.1k // okay once again, responsible drinking and don’t drink underage bad idea smh. But MatsuHana just making out where they want? I could see that. Yeah. Anyway, as much as public make out seshes make me *gag* feel embarrassed, what made me feel more *gag* embarrassed was the fact that the girls? just? stood? there? Like why are you watching this. Is that just me? I feel like they should’ve left smh.

surprise, surprise by airblends (T) 7.6k // some more pining and dancing around the issue whoooo. As much as I hate them not getting to the point (almost as much as I hate misunderstandings), it was a great fic. This is nosebleed c*ck block (idk if I needed to censor that but I did fight me).

A God for Every Season by timkons (T) 18.4k // I love the Hades and Persephone trope! Okay, I just love mythology leave me be, but anyway I really love a lot of this fic. Like how Mattsun thinks it’s a little brighter with Makki? CUTE I LOVE. But also, the fish funeral is ridiculous but also very on brand for Oikawa. And some BokuKuroo (idk is that their ship) in here as well :DDD

The Best/Worst Places to Cry in the City by AngryKitten (T) 4.4k // literally it is the title. Just you know, looking for the best place to cry in the city,,,, I’d like to say, don’t cat call people cause we’re not about that here. Even if it worked out for them, just don’t do it :/ Also don’t follow strangers. I feel like that’s a given but jic ya know?

this isn't exactly how i thought i'd be spending my adult years by jadedpearl (NR) 7.5k // okay petty Makki is yes and so is my Makki + IwaOi agenda LOL. (I’m thriving here can’t you tell? Yes regular skype/phone calls constantly) Anyway, blackouts and sickness really be here getting people together. (I’m asking nicely, nike.) And Makki is smooth with his words. (SHORTER MEN MADE ME LAUGH)

chocolate by tellalie (T) 3.6k // the dedication in this fic was amazing. Like making a whole a cake? Someone go do that for me. (For mankind.) Fake dating is really something else, but fake dating to out gag your best friends? Seems like I need to step up my game (but no seriously, my best friends are PDA monsters I hate it here). Also practice confessions are wack.

FINALLY I MADE IT. You don’t know how many times I almost gave up on finishing LMFAO. Is this my longest list? Idk. But I just know that I would’ve finished faster if I didn’t end up rereading almost every fic on this list LMFAO. Like no seriously I almost had to make a post saying this wouldn’t be coming out cause I got distracted by one of the longer fics (I’m blaming Mirror Flower, Water Moon specifically). But I hope you enjoyed this, and once again go thank that anon for spurring me into finishing this list LMFAO (am I a horse? Yea, probably but if one thing, I’m not sturdy).

Tw// 18+ discussion, toxic relationships, sexual relationships, age gaps, R*pe culture mentioned, this is a serious post I guess be warned.

I put this in tags but i think this is something that is really bothering me🤷🏿‍♀️ any advice from my older followers on how to deal with it. Am I just overacting and is it no big deal. I just hate seeing my friends do something they may regret later. I don’t know what to do I feel small. I guess I have to realize quick there’s no simple solution to anything. Last year there felt like a thin lackluster layer of protection from all this now I feel abandoned. Maybe it’s just my brain overthinking again. I’m not a kid anymore and thank god for that. I hated being a kid I felt powerless. I love my growing independence. But it still feels weird…law is not morality. I’m still pretty young and I recognize all the naivety that comes from not living through 2 decades yet. It just feels like everyone around me is trying to convince me age is just a number and get a sugar daddy to pay off ur tuition. I don’t want to shame these people either I think they’re victims. I just don’t know how to engage with it all. Age is not just a number it’s a societal construction to contextualize development. Idk tho Am I being to sensitive? College is great but it sucks 2. So many problems I’m dealing with. This one just feels like a drop in the bucket… I hope I don’t have some weird prejudice towards age gap relationship. I hope I just have a prejudice towards unhealthy, exploitative, & abusive ones. Love to any SA victims out there I’m not one but society clearly needs to be more introspective with how it treats survivors. I’m not a survivor so I don’t want to talk over anyone who is. In my opinion I just feel like how society looks over power dynamics like this adds to grooming and r*pe culture. Anyway if any of my mutuals want to add commentary that would be appreciated. I’m open to respectful criticism💕 I’m gonna talk to a professional about this since it’s bothering me so much. I’m gonna see want my therapist thinks I should do about the mess. I’ve just always had a weird relationship to sex 🤷🏿‍♀️

I don’t like having 18+ discussions on main cuz i like keeping my blog pg-13 but new adult problems R plaguing me so I need advice. I don’t think I have any young kids following me so I don’t feel so bad. This won’t happen often I feel like I’m burdening strangers online with my problems. I promise I just want to hear ur opinions on the topic if you don’t mind sharing them. You don’t have to if you don’t want to.

boundaries guy (pt1 (?)): sorry, i didn't mean this topic for this fic. its really adorable and heartwarming, i see that theyre just playing around w each other. what got me thinking was something by twobitapologist(?) whos theory is that theyre codependent, and i think you had a toxic hc post on them & this fic just triggered me on how easily they (johnny mainly) can get the other to kowtow to their wills in an *au.* sorry for not conveying myself clearly, & tainting the spirit of your fic😖😫

omg thank you for another ask I'm deathly bored(btw you didn't taint my fic at all sywhehrh)

also yes I think I got your point! I spent so much time analyzing my own fic so maybe I didn't convey that enough 😭 but yes I saw how that inspired you to think about how easily johnny can get dallas to do things and then how that leads into the whole codependency argument

yes @twobitapologist often talk about the codependent issues involving jally. I think that is actually very one sided

tw///suicide mentions

both Johnny and Dally are evidently suicidal, I think. but Dallas only kills himself after Johnny dies, so it's basically his way of communicating that Johnny was his only reason to live. while Johnny didn't necessarily think that way, I guess you could say he indiscriminately wanted to die??

Johnny created meaningful relationships outside of just Dallas and while it was obvious that Dallas loved other people than Johnny, he never let himself develop anything of substance with anyone but Johnny. that basically defines their one sided codependency which in turn can lead to a lot of toxic implications in case they ever get together

I like to say that all teenage relationships are actually very codependent, I've been witness to quite a few and it's the same old shtick: they can't live without each other, they don't care about anyone else, they feel depressed and like they're gonna die when they break up. and not even just in romantic relationships, but platonic as well

adolescence is a very mentally sensitive area, so people have this innate need to be surrounded by others and idk there's a lot of mental illness and insecurities going on too. it's just a fucked up time which is why so many people have toxic relationships as teenagers, it's kind of hard to have anything healthy when you're both a mess, if that makes sense?

I think Johnny and Dallas's relationship is codependent like any teenagers would be, but there's the added pressure of their extreme trauma. Dallas not developing relationships is more than just a character flaw because he's a dick, it's a defense mechanism after being screwed over so often in life. so while people maybe see how he solely cares about Johnny and think "that's a bad thing", I see that as a good sign; it means he still has potential to grow close to others

and being only 17, that's a very hard concept to grasp. if they were given more time, I feel that Johnny and Dally would grow out of that codependency--because all teenagers do. it's a a sign of maturity. Dallas would learn how to trust again, because you can see in the book that he's already on track to better his relationships

but unfortunately, they never had the chance for that to happen because Johnny died. and at that point, it was just too difficult for Dallas to take time and think calmly. so like... yeah

I still stand by the theory that if given more time they would learn their boundaries and become healthier--again, they're 16 and 17, you can't really blame them for their codependency

I also think, i mean, everyone is little toxic? that's just how people are. so everyone is gonna have something toxic in a relationship and the testament of a relationship is how you overcome those challenges. I think what makes Jally solid is they would strive to better their relationship, I think of all the ships in the outsiders they have the most genuine care for each other and they take each other's feelings so seriously that the chances of them avoiding their issues and never getting better isn't very likely

I think gradually they would set up boundaries because they want to last because they know they're good together

anyways I hope I answered this the correct way this time 😭

clearing things up [not an imagine]

this is a long post responding to anons who are really frustrated and want answers so here it is on one big post :)

some of the things i will be talking about might be triggering so i will put in a TW on the specific paragraphs 

matchup frustration ://

i honestly am considering to never do matchups again :( 

let me just be clear 

i do not hate any of the people that have been requesting matchups, these are just things that have been on my mind all the time that kind of makes me want to close matchups for a long time

and that all of the matchups come in the order that they come to me in 

like don’t get me wrong i love to do them for you guys and they are fun to do at milestones but what really makes me frustrated is when people refuse to read the matchup rules that i put,,

like i put the guidelines there to make it more personal and a specific reason that i mention so many times on the matchup rules 

i am against matching up minors with adults 

that just makes me really uncomfortable to even think about and it really puts me on edge whenever i don’t get an age or a specification on wether or not the person is a minor 

i just have an issue with that and i usually get triggered from that :”)

another thing that just personally annoys me 

it usually just makes me annoyed when a large portion of the info i get is their looks :/ 

i can only think of a few instances in which i actually used looks in the matchup

idk i go off of vibes and given personality, and all the things that i have mentioned in the matchup rules. 

i can’t go off of much when the only bit of info that is given to me is that the person likes animals 

i can only assume and that is something i never want to do about a person that i don’t really know so i hope that people kind of learn their lesson when they see that their matchup is shorter than others 

~~~

why i don’t write chubby/curvy s/o fics

TW: eating disorders 

please read at your own risk 

okay this is a really sensitive topic for me

i am a person who only recently recovered from my own battle with anorexia and i have a very bad body dysmorphia issue. (i have already gone to rehab and gotten professional help so i am completely fine) 

i am very critical of my own body. 

this is an issue for me whenever i write anything touching on the subject of body types. 

this may sound selfish and stupid but i usually write imagines off of the things that i experience to make them feel a little more realistic so to make this easier when i plan for a fic i usually imagine myself as y/n. 

the issue i have with this type of writing is because all my life i was constantly called fat, chubby and all the given synonyms by my own parents and they were the main reason of my own eating disorder. 

these words get me to think negatively about my own body and when i even tried to write about it, all i could think about was my parents and their rude comments towards that community. 

i barely got through one character but i couldn’t do it. 

i just can’t write about people lifting another person up about their doubts about their body when i have never had that myself. 

this seems like an excuse to not write but to be completely honest to you now is honestly the worst time for me to even be thinking about labels of body types. i have relapsed so many times in the past month due to my parents calling chubby despite them forcing me to eat 6 times a week the given word just makes me uncomfortable.

i am sorry anon that i am not strong enough yet to defeat my own inner demons and i will take the blame for that. 

~~~

the suicide threat 

TW: suicide 

if you have been here since around 2 weeks ago you will know that i got a threat to kill myself by a notorious anon. 

here are some screen shots or if you want to scroll down far enough on my blog go for it 

i just want to say if you have any thoughts of suicide please go and contact some suicide hotlines and please remember you are a beautiful person on this earth 

and i apologize for not putting a trigger warning before i posted these

but i honestly laugh at every time i look at these cause idk it just shows how unbothered i am from a person telling me to kill myself

i did go to a bridge and just sat there for a little bit but that was only because i was skating around and i just wanted to see what the hype was about around bridges 

but they came back again and i just wanted to address it ?

dear anon, in the bottom ask did you mean ‘and shit’ as a whatever or did you mean that i took a dump at a public park (btw i didn’t) and second you can’t exactly come at me when you switch up your emoji game from fairy to middle aged mother of three

idk pick a struggle: 

being mad at a 16 year old vibin on tumblr 

or 

being that triggered when a kid tells you that you exert small di*k energy 

but know that you do not alter the way that i value my life because i know you are just a sad person that refuses to accept that people can live peaceful lives and you just seem so bothered by it to tell me to kill myself. 

babe if you have an issue with me then don’t be a coward and just drop the damn anon 

~~~ anyways thats all i got 

and remember that all cops are b@st@rds and black lives still matter 

Survey #200

tw for abuse.

If you’re pale, do you get made fun of for it? No. Are you white/black/asian/mexican/etc? White. Ever been to Washington D.C.? Did you get to meet the president of the time? I've driven very close to it, but no. Ever been to NYC Or LA? If so, how were your experiences there? No. Were you adopted? If so, have you met your biological parents? How about biological siblings or grandparents? N/A Ever had an abusive parent or other family member? If so, what’s the worst they did? No, thank Christ. Are either of your parents engaged but not married yet? No. Do you like older or younger siblings better? I have both, but. Hypothetically, if I had to choose one in general (not picking between my real sisters), probably younger. Ever had to take care of a baby sibling? If do, did you feel responsible, or were you just annoyed? No. We're 2-3 years apart, so there's never been a situation like that. Have you ever had a close friend get knocked up early? Can we not say "knocked up." No. Do you prefer baby boys or baby girls? I mean it depends on the kid, but I believe boys have less of an attitude. Are you one of those losers that buys things with the letter of your name? Well they're not "losers?" But whatever, no. I don't see the appeal at all. Have you done any form of martial arts? If so, what? If not and you want to, which one(s)? No, but I'd like to learn some form of self-defense. Would you be willing to let someone you know die if it means you can save an entire village? Lol this is such a Life Is Strange question, don't do this to my emotions. It depends on the person. If you were to write a letter to your future self, what would you say? Something about absolutely never giving up, regardless of the struggle. What are your thoughts on cults? Do you know anyone who has joined one? To my understanding, not all cults are bad... I think. If there are harmless ones, go for it, dude. Whatever you wanna believe. I knew a guy back in school who created one. What is a character trope that you really dislike? (For example, the Manic Pixie Dream Girl) The bitchy, germaphobe priss. Are you a fan of steampunk? If you don’t know what it is, would it be something you’d be interested in looking into? Hell yeah. What was the first job that you ever held? Do you remember how much you were paid (if you’re comfortable sharing)? Sales associate at GameStop. Idr. Would you say that you’re good at understanding people with accents (especially those who don’t have standard Anglo ones)? Most, save for severely southern. And I live where that accent is commonplace. How do you feel about anarchy? Let's not. Society would crumble in days. If you have any, who’s your favorite music artist from the 1970s? Probably Van Halen, but ugh, I love SO MANY metal/rock bands from that era. Do you think travelling is something that every young person should do to gain life experience? I'd say so. See that the world is more complex and varied than you'd think. When was the last time you listened to new music? I've been listening to new In This Moment songs periodically. Listened to "Blood" a few days ago. What word spelled out looks weird to you? Oh, I'm sure there's plenty. Do you require “closure” after things like break-ups or do you move on easily? I've only had one serious break-up, and I didn't even begin recovery until we had our final conversation over a year later that helped me reach closure. Is there a genre of movie that you just can’t watch? Musicals. Do they count as a genre? What was the last song to give you nostalgia? Hm... I"m blanking. But I know something did pretty recently. Have you ever had a conversation with a cab driver? Never been in a cab. Do you have any shirts from vacation/tourist locations? From beaches, which I never wear. I've only received them as gifts. What is one place you would like to go back and revisit? Chicago. Which would you prefer: a homemade gift, or a store-bought one? Homemade mean more to me usually, but as a gift, it obviously depends on what it is. When was the last time you were “under the influence?” I last drank uhhhh. I think at Sara's when her dad almost made me an alcoholic because holy FUCK bartending skills Jesus fucking Christ. How regular of an occurrence is this? Very rare. Have you ever had a relationship last for a year or longer? Twice now. What ended it, or are you still involved? We know the Jason story; Sara and I are still together. What’s the best time you’ve had at a high school sports game? Ugh, I never had a good time. I was just forced to go because Ashley was a cheerleader. If you’re out late, where are you likely to be? I couldn't even try to tell you the last time I was out late. Do you ever visit your mall’s arcade (if it has one)? Ours doesn't have one. Shirts with sarcastic sayings: yay, or boo? Yay. If “yay,” do you have a favorite? Bring Happy Bunny BACK TO THE FOREFRONT OF SOCIETY. If you lost the use of your limbs, would you still want to live? Eh, if it was just one leg, sure. What’s your absolute favorite topic to discuss? Weeps Markimoo. What is your least favorite topic to discuss? Politics and economics. When was the last time you played hide-and-go-seek? I played with my niece and nephew a few months back. They always hid in the same spots, lmao, but of course you gotta go along with kids, so I could "never find them." Where was your favorite place to hide? As a kid, I aaalways climbed into the toy box. Do you have a library card? Do you use it? No. Do you cuddle with your pet (if you have one)? Yup. What college did you want to attend as a kid? NC State. Was that still your choice when you grew up? Well, it didn't have the major I chose back then, but now that it does, that's probably where I'm transferring too after I get my pre-requisites. What sports star or athlete did you aspire to be like as a kid? None. How many colleges did you attend? Two so far. Going to a new one when I get my goddamn transcript from my cesspit that is my last school. Why did you choose the shirt you have on now? It's just a plain, gray tank. I wear tank tops to bed. Is marriage overrated? No? At this point in your life would you want to start a new career? I haven't even begun a career yet. Growing up what were your favorite cartoon characters? OKAY SO EMBARRASSING SECRET I'VE LITERALLY NEVER REVEALED. I was crazy for Ash Ketchum, and when I was young, I added daily to a story I wrote about being a Pokemon trainer; I didn't have Pokemon games because I was too embarrassed to ask back then, so I resorted to making it up. I filled up literally 3+ journals. Back to the main topic, far into that story, Ash became my boyfriend lmfao. Oh man, just answering this brings back such cute memories. Charmander-Charizard was my best friend and look it was just cute okay. What do you think has changed about you since you were a teenager? I'm way shyer. Looking back at high school were they the best years of your life? No. Were you the type of kid you’d want your children to hang out with? Yeah sure, I was genuinely a good kid. Do you look like your mom? Some say. When was the last time you overslept? I can't oversleep when I never have shit to do. What would you do if you could do anything without failing? Skydive, maybe? Do you use your phone as an alarm? If I need an alarm for whatever reason. What country do you live in? The United States. What is your native language? English. If you could meet any famous person (dead or alive) who would you meet? Take a guess. Do you have any piercings? Eight. Do you judge people that have multiple piercings? Fuck off. Do you dress up on Halloween? I WISH I could. I can't afford to buy shit to throw together as an outfit, nor do I do anything special that day, so. It's just a waste of time, save for taking a picture. Do you watch the Olympics? No. Do you like orange juice? So long there's not pulp in it. Have you read the Bible? Very little of it. Do you have a pet gecko? No. Are you scared of reptiles? Not at all. Have you ever seen the show 16 and Pregnant? Take that shit off television. No. Do you like cinnamon on your apple pie? I hate pie. Do you clap or cheer when at a concert? Well duh. Do you use a comb or brush? A comb. Do you eat the crust of your sandwiches? That's what I eat first since with food, I'm always the type that saves the best for last, and while I don't mind it at all, crust is the "worst" part. When you were younger, did you ever do that exclamation point that looked like an upside down triangle and had a really big dot? No. What are you listening to right now? "Whore" by In This Moment. Honestly, have you ever eaten raw cookie dough? Hell yeah I have, don't even @ me, salmonella. Name a city that starts with A in your state/province etc. Asheville. Name a landmark that starts with M in your state/province etc. Idk. When was the last time you gave a horse a carrot? Boy, I have no clue. Have you ever had to shovel snow? No. What mountain ranges have you seen? Appalachian. Where would you most like to go in your state, etc that you haven’t been? THE ABANDONED WIZARD OF OZ-THEMED PARK. Deadass might get married there, jc. Has a wild animal ever been loose in your house? Mice. What do you like the songs you listen to to be about? I'm big on things dark-themed, especially in like some fantasy or hypothetical situation, or covering sensitive topics in a beautiful way. When was the last time you said ‘yay’? Yesterday when Sara updated me on her weight ahhhHHHHHHH she's getting closer and closer to a healthy one. Would you be a newscaster and speak to everyone in a hurricane? Hell no. Have you ever seen or touched an iceberg? No. Do you use a toaster or toaster oven? Oven. Who was the last member of the opposite sex you laid in a bed with? I think Girt when we were watching TV one day in Nicole's room. Would you rather have a poodle or a rottweiler? Rottweiler! Have you ever had a best friend who was of the opposite sex? Yeah. Where was the last place you stayed over? Sara's. Do you know anyone that owns horses? Not well. Think back to the last time (or a time) when you were in a fight with someone and just blurted out exactly what was on your mind. Did you somewhat regret saying what you said? What happened? When Mom hit me for a completely uncalled-for reason (I can't actually remember what it was, other than it was stupid as hell) last year, I said, "Oh, I can't wait to tell Alyssa (therapist) about this one," and she didn't reply or say another word to me for like hours, maybe not even that night. No, honestly, I don't regret it. You don't slap your fucking kid. Towards the end of your last relationship, how did you know it was over? How did you and your significant other change towards each other? (ex. not calling each other babe, baby, etc.) I wasn't opening up to him any further after four months, and I just didn't feel a romantic connection. I wasn't comfortable. We didn't change much, really, just that we no longer hold hands and he doesn't kiss me obviously. We went back to exactly how we were before, thankfully. Have you ever had a significant other NOT believe you when you said “i love you” to them? Why was that? How did you react? No. Do opposites really attract? Have you ever experienced this? Explain. Sure, for some people. I've never been too attracted to someone too different from me. Has anyone close to you ever drifted away because they started hanging out with a new crowd? Did you try talking to them about it? What eventually happened? Story. Of my goddamn. Life. And only one, my former best friend. Just last year I finally reached out to her, and I guess we're "friends," buuut she only talks to me on her watch. I won't get into that. Have you ever found yourself heading on the wrong path? What happened? Probably, but idr. When did you last not feel accepted? Why did you feel that way? Ha, I'm sure recently. I just about always feel like that. Has anyone had to take your drink from you because you were drinking too much? How did you react? No. What’s your opinion on the world relying on technology too much and not paying enough attention to natural resources? Eek, there're positives and negatives. I totally believe it's possible someday for the singularity to happen, yet at the same time, technology is an almost perfect approach to many tasks, menial or complicated. Have you ever felt like it was just pointless to cry? Did you hold yourself back from crying or did you let it out? Sure, probably. I usually hold it back, typically far more frequently than I should, although on most occasions, crying just doesn't come. I just get a tight jaw and everything. Have you ever had a love/hate relationship with someone? Tell me about it. Meh, Colleen many times. I'm not delving into that story again. Has your pride ever gotten in the way of admitting that you felt weak or were in pain? How so? No. Whose lies have affected you the most? Jason's, although I'll give him enough credit that at the time of making them, he probably meant most/all of them. But they were still lies and broken promises. Have you ever dreamt in another language? No. Who was the last person you met and instantly liked? What about the last person you met who you immediately disliked or got bad vibes from? Hm. Oh, the girl who was in VR class with me. She loved my tattoo, so that sparked a brief convo, and she had awesome ones too. In class, she was funny and relatable and just in general had a very approachable personality. I wanted to talk more to her, but. Shyness and anxiety. ;_; For the other half of the question, I'm uncertain. I'm sure it was some man with my paranoia and distrust. What’s the most interesting news you read or received recently? What about the most depressing? I don't pay much attention to the news unless I just scroll past something on Facebook... and nothing's really coming to me. Ah, checked my FB real quick and I recently shared something about this crow couple that have been together for 12 years; the female has a broken beak, and her mate always feeds her. The most depressing was certainly a dog that was left out in the snow up north, and he was found dead and pretty much frozen in his doghouse. Pretty sure the owner was arrested. Thank fuck for the new law regarding pets being out in the cold. Would you let politics get in the way of a relationship? It would have to be a SERIOUS difference on a major matter that revealed deep, core beliefs. What is one thing someone could say that would automatically make you distrustful of them? I wouldn't mention you have a criminal record around me. I don't care what for unless it was seriously bullshit. What is one way in which you need to learn to control yourself? I need to STOP jumping to conclusions and becoming super defensive when I feel I'm in serious danger of being hurt emotionally. Do you have any friends who are on and off with bfs/gfs all the time? No. When was the last time you almost cried out of exhaustion? It was that and embarrassment. When I was at the airport to go home after visiting Sara, I fucked up in understanding the gate shit, carried my heavy bag ALL the way to the end, ALL the way back to the beginning, and then ALL THE FUCKING WAY BACK when I found the screen that told me my gate. At this same time, my knees were in awful condition and of course the sweating situation was goddamn humiliating. I'm very, very surprised no one asked if I was okay; I can only imagine how contorted and pained my face was, aaaand yay excessive sweating, I was literally soaked. I was very close to crying that day. What's a TV show you hate missing? None. The only situation where I'd be like that is if Meerkat Manor returned. What's a movie/book/TV show/band/whatever you highly recommend? Movie: Forrest Gump; book: Johnny Got His Gun; TV show: The Good Doctor; band: Otep is too underrated. Who taught you to tie your shoelaces? Dad first taught me the "wrong" way, then Mom corrected me in how you should properly do it. What's your favorite picture of yourself as a child? *shrugs* What is something people are surprised to hear about you? I've been told by many people that they're surprised to learn I have just about debilitating social anxiety. I always think I cover it awfully, but apparently I've adapted well enough to it that I can fake comfort decently, I suppose. What was the last bug you saw? Probably a fly, idk. Are there any people you know in real life that you only talk to online? Not off the top of my head... Is it cruel to keep a dog in a cage or tied up most of the time? No shit. About what things are you most selfish? Alone time. I need it. Are you camera shy? Why/why not? Yes, because odds are I will look like a blobfish out of water trying to smile but only succeeding in looking seriously high. What is the worst thing a former boyfriend/girlfriend has done to you? Dropped me like a boulder into a canyon and dashed off with zero intent of breaking up even nearly appropriately. Was anyone rude to you today (or yesterday, if you’re taking this early)? No. What was your favorite sleepover game? *shrugs* Have you ever swore in church? Possibly? Do you have memories from preschool? Some, yeah. Particularly of Christopher and some boy whose name I can't remember being pretty much obsessed with me and always chasing me in recess to hug the fuck out of me and apparently the other boy got in trouble all the time for trying to kiss me. Kinda recently in therapy we dug into my extreme fear of men, people being behind me, and rape (it's too a seriously unrealistic degree), and we think this mighta just been what sparked those fears so early. I also remember I was talkative at nap time, I brought the movie Antz for us to watch and everyone hated it, and I once brought my Snorlax plushy for show-and-tell. I remember making a gingerbread man tree ornament, too. Do you celebrate Earth Day? No, I never really know what to do. :/ I'd love to do even little things like pick up litter, but walking here is pretty dangerous, and we're also in a spot where you' seldom see anything. What is your least favorite thing about your full name? I hate my last name. What’s your favorite kind of Poptart? The chocolate sundae one or whatever it's called? What was the last thing you used sliced bread to make? A sandwich. What does your room look like when you sleep? Still kinda bright with Venus' and Kaiju's lights, Roman is usually in here with me, and Teddy is sometimes. Are your fingers long, or short? Mom always tells me I have Grammy's "long piano fingers." *shrug Do you like your grandparents? She reeeaaally gets under my skin a lot of times, but yeah. Do you like to fly on planes? If I'm at the window seat. What brand name do you think is just way over the top expensive? I'unno, lots. PLENTY of designer clothes shit, though. Like the fuck, most of those things I see are hideous. Do you find it hard to concentrate in really loud places? Yup. Do you tend to get more sleep on the weekends the during the week? They're the same for me. Are you comfortable talking to strangers? No. What’s the most boring game to exist? Why do you dislike it so much? I mean idk. Do you mean board games, card games, video games? I can tell you right off the bat I'm not a card game fan, almost ever. Do you lie about not having extra pens, so you don’t have to lend them? I don't believe I ever did. What’s your favorite YouTube video? What’s it about? Oh boy, I couldn't tell you. Do you get nervous when you’re about to get a haircut? No. What do you do to pass the time when you’re waiting for something? Mess around on my phone. Whenever you take pictures, do they always end up posted on Facebook? No. Can you name something that makes you feel nostalgic from each of the following: a scent, a sight, a sound, a taste, and a feeling? Breakfast cooking (scent), tobacco fields (sight), whippoorwills (sound), those smiley face french fries (taste), excitement (feeling). What is one small thing your significant other does that makes you happy? If you are single, what is one small thing a friend does to make you happy? I love seeing her spaz over something cute lmao. If you could have a dollar for every time something happened, what would it be? Someone pointing out how many meds I'm on. What is something that you wish more people in your life were interested in (a topic, a hobby, etc.)? Ummm idk? What is a feel-good song that you’ve been listening to lately? Well, Epica's "Sacred & Wild" cover always pumps me up a bit. What are some things you enjoy seeing pictures of? m a r k, meerkats, Pyramid Head, Mom legitimately smiling/laughing, Sara with her babies... lots more. Who is somebody from your past that had a big positive impact on you? What would you say if you could speak to them right now? Two of my previous teachers. They always had life lessons to teach and not just English. Have you ever bought something recommended by an ad before? What was it, and were you happy with your purchase? I'm not sure. What is a website that you visit frequently that isn’t a form of social media? Wikis I help edit. Do you watch The Big Bang Theory? I don't watch TV, but if it's on, yeah, I enjoy it. Do you ever listen to country music? No. From inside of your house, how many doors lead outside? Two. Who is the most complicated person in your life right now? Me. Do you still wear armbands or rubber rings in the pool? No. Are you one of those people who talks to everyone when you’re out? Definitely not. What would be your ideal pet? Something very affectionate, calm, and in tuned with my emotions. Are there any websites you just don’t see the point in? I'm sure there's something. Have you got anything you’ve had since you were a baby? Stuffed animals. Mom maybe has my pacifier somewhere. Is there anyone you’re really jealous of? Envious, rather. Do you hit electronics when they don’t work? No. Do you dislike any certain group of people? Well yeah, like rapists and pedophiles. But "hate" is far more suiting. Have you ever bought anything you really wanted, only to never use it? Maybe? I never really have my own money to buy things myself. Are you scared of fireworks? No. What was the last flyer someone gave you for? No clue. Do movies/books inspire you to change your life in any way? Johnny Got His Gun furthered my will to be a pacifist. Do you read movie quotes even when you haven’t seen the movie? No? What does your favorite bag look like? It has a macabre owl/spider design. Do you customize your possessions? Not usually. What’s a smell that makes you feel ill? (besides the obvious) Gasoline will usually give me a headache if I'm dealing with it long enough. Do you get lonely easily? Yeah. Is your car older than a 2000? I don't have my own car. Where was the last place you wrote a check to/used your debit card? I don't have a debit card. Nor have I written a check. What was your favorite board game as a child? I loved Mall Madness believe that shit or not, there was a Cranium fair thing I adored, I loved Clue a lot when I was old enough to understand it, and I was crazy about this The Crocodile Hunter game too, which I've kept for nostalgia purposes, even though it's been broken for a long time. Who was the last person to give you flowers? I think Tyler. If a stranger asked you to take a picture with them what would you do? That's a big 'ole spooky nope. What do you think would be the hardest thing for you to give up? Absolutely Internet. .-. How many times have you been to a museum? A handful, I guess. Would you rather be a panda or grizzly bear? A panda. Do you like BBQ sauce? Omg NO. Have you had sex in the past 3 weeks? Well, lesbian intimacy. Do you regularly experience pain in any part of your body? My knees. Did the last person you kissed ever give you a hickey? No. Do you have to see something to really believe it? No. Do you believe everyone is gifted with something? Eh, I dunno. Have you ever been busted for under age drinking? No. Tell us about the stuffed animal you kept as a kid. What is it called? What does it look like? I have a stuffed moose on my dresser named Brownie. He's all brown and lying down. What’s the most dramatic thing you’ve ever done to prove a point? Who knows. What’s your favorite myth? The one of the Jersey Devil. Have you ever used a Ouija board? I am. SO curious. But too afraid to fuck with them lmao. Are you planning on getting tattoos? Which ones? Oh, hunny. I can at least say my next one is most likely to be the Shadow of the Colossus sigil designed as if it's stamped into the ground on my left hand. Do you read comics? What are your faves? No. Do you have any apple devices? If so what have you got? An ancient iPod nano and my old iPhone. Have you ever said something that you instantly regretted? Very likely. Do you get upset when a pet fish dies? I haven't had a fish in forever, but I never really bonded with any I did have as a little kid. Are you a soprano, alto, tenor or bass? A tenor probably, or alto? Do you bruise easily? Extremely. One reason I got tested for anemia (which came back negative). Do you know anybody who is afraid of clowns? Lots of people. Have you ever seen a zebra? At a zoo. Have you ever had a rolling backpack? Yup. Then we couldn't have them in high school for whatever reason. If you could do magic, what is the first spell you would learn? Healing. Do you hang toilet paper over or under? Whichever way it just happens to be positioned in my hands when I pick it up. When do you feel the most confident? If a situation arises where my meerkat knowledge needs to be spilled lol. What makes you laugh? Unexpected but funny things destroy me the most. Then of course there're actually good jokes and/or sarcasm. What movie quotes do you use of a regular bases? None. What’s the craziest conversation you have ever eaves-dropped on? No clue. What’s the coolest animal you’ve seen in the wild? I saw a perched owl in the woods while fishing years ago; don't remember what kind, though. It was so cool though, it stared right at us while we rowed past. Also quite sure I got a quick glimpse of a mink along the distant bank while also fishing. What do you wish you knew more about? Politics, so I could actually play a knowledgeable role in it by voting in confidence and such. Do you carry hand sanitizer every where you go? Yes. Do you use your fingers to do simple math problems? Yuuuup. Do you wear foundation? Literally only if I'm trying to look my absolute best. Otherwise, god no, I hate how it feels. Do you get self conscious when wearing a bathing suit? Don't even get me started. What makes you distracted? Music, TV, talking... basically dynamic sound. Do you wear really dark eye liner? I only ever wear black. Are you a fan of Justin Bieber? No. Does your hometown have bad memories attached to it? Yeah, some. How many subscribers do you have on your YouTube channel? Idk. Does snow and ice ever got on the inside of you window panes? I don't think so? What do you do for pain? Soldier through it, take meds, use a heating pad or cold washcloth/bag of ice depending on the type of pain, try to sleep to let it hopefully pass or alleviate. What type of lotion do you use? One for dry skin. What were your favorite clothing stores in high school? Hot Topic and rue 21. Name a YouTuber whom you think acts shallow and superficial. I'm sure there's plenty, like say, the Paul brothers. Do you know anyone who has twin babies or toddlers? A woman I vaguely know through dance has twins. If so, what are their names? Idr. Would you ever want to have twins? JESUS FUCKING CHRIST NO If you could have a car in any color you wanted, which color? Burnt orange. What is your favorite Avril Lavigne song? "Nobody's Home" is still incredible. Have you ever done something and been afraid of getting caught? Yeah. Have you ever had a bedroom that had wallpaper on the walls? I think the house I grew up in had it... Would you ever hitchhike? Why or why not? No, because I don't trust strangers for shit. What color is your stapler? Black. Do you have a desk that you sit at in your room? No. Have you ever completed a weight loss program? No. What was the last thing you were mad at a doctor about? OHHHHH, THAT STORY AGAIN?????????????? Where you live, is it possible to get sunburned&frostbitten in same week? Pretty much. Is your mother a lesbian? No. Are you part Swedish? No. Are you planning to travel outside of your country in the next 6 months? I doubt in six months. Do your parents live in the same city as you? Dad doesn't, but I live with Mom. What genre of books interest you the most? Fantasy. Do any of your close friends NOT have a Facebook account? Yeah, I think. German type foods: delicious or disgusting? I don't really know their cuisine. If you had your way, what color(s) would you dye your hair? I've seen a gorgeous pastel rainbow design on short hair before, and I my GOD I want. Do you like seafood? If so, what is your favorite? If not, what is your favorite type of food? UGH no. I do, however, like shrimp. But that's it. Have you ever eaten a veggie burger? Yeah, it wasn't that bad. I had Burger King's during my vegetarian juncture. If you could master any sport, which one would you choose? Dance. If you could meet any major political figure, who would it be? What would you say to him/her? Meh. Do you play any unique instruments? No. In school, did you take any classes to learn how to play any instruments? Flute, yes. Then after I got my lip pierced, I was moved to the percussion section to learn shit in like two days. Basically, I was useless 'til I realized I could position my lip on the mouthpiece where the ring didn't affect the flow of air much. I later got to a point of taking it out for every band class, though. Idr why; instructor probably wanted me to. Did you actually pay attention in Spanish class? I didn't take Spanish. If you drink Monster, what is your favorite flavor? If you don’t drink Monster, why not? None, because it tastes like literal poison. If you had/have a Club Penguin account, how old were you when you got it? No clue. What religion/spiritual path intrigues you the most, if any? Wiccan. What ancient culture intrigues you the most, if any? I don't remember any well enough to answer here. Are/were your parents hippies? I don't believe so? Would you ever consider getting dreadlocks? Oh lort no. If you had a baby boy right now, what would his middle name(s) be? Victor or Vincent, probably. What heritage does your last name imply? Scottish. How about your middle name? French. And first? English. What is your heritage, anyway? That I know of, Irish, German, and Polish. Were your parents born in the United States? Most importantly, were you? If not, what country? Yes to both. “Happy Holidays,” “Merry Christmas,” or “Merry X-Mas?" I couldn't care less.

Seems like everything links back to this (Part 2)

Ok, so this is part two of reflecting on my issues with sexuality. I just added a paragraph to the first one, with a story I forgot about. Anyway.

*(Also, tw: bullying, self harm, suicidal themes, sexual stuff, abuse, body stuff. I think that's it.)*

When I got to middle school, I remember always wanting to cover and hide my body. I was extremely self conscious and insecure about it. And about myself as a person. This is around the time I started getting bullied.... by my own brother. Every time I would try to reach out to someone, they would dismiss my situation as sibling rivalry and NEVER knew how bad it really affected me. I would say insulting things about him and they would go "don't say that! Your brother loves you!!" And I would explain that he didn't. That he hated me. And no one would listen.

It started when our family friend who lived with us (more about him in the edit of part 1 I mentioned) died. At this point, my mom worked multiple jobs and was never home until late. And my dad would leave home for several hours at a time after work and not tell us where he was going. He wasn't in a good place at all after his friend's death. But he would leave us all alone at home, and usually with no food in the house. Before this, when my brother would harass me, I would seek out the help of my parents to stop him. But with both of them gone for several hours at a time, he could harass me and there was nothing I could do. I couldn't call my dad b/c he would never respond. I couldn't call my mom at work b/c she can't just leave work. What she could do was very limited.

From there it got worse. I stopped leaving my room to avoid him, but he would start coming to my room and talking down to me. And if I ignored him, it got worse. So I started going on my laptop, putting my headphones in, and I wouldn't listen to him or look at him. But this wasn't always affective. The kinds of shit he would say to me.... it got worse over time. He would say I'm ugly or fat, tell me no one liked me, tell me when someone at school said something negative about me, etc. And then... it got worse. Since I was going through puberty he would make comments about that and more comments about my appearance. Like telling me my boobs "get bigger everyday," or doing grabbing gestures at them and going "honk honk." Being an asshole and then when I get mad, saying "are you on your period or something?" Telling me things like that I had a mustache. Calling me a stupid fuck whenever I would say something.

And then there was in issue with physical boundaries. He would follow me to my room, and I would run in and shut the door. But I had to hold it closed with my body b/c we didn't have locks on the kids bedroom doors, so I had to stand there and hold it closed with my full strength until he got tired and left. Which took as long as 30 min to an hour sometimes. And he would use his full strength too and even continuously ram the door, to the point where it eventually cracked over years of doing this nearly everyday. He would do this when my parents weren't home. And then it got worse to the point where I BEGGED my parents for a lock on my door probably every other day for the maybe a year. And they refused. It got so bad he would start doing shit like shoving pencils under the door to stab me. I would sometimes hide in the bathroom b/c they had locks on the doors. And he would stand in front for 30 min to an hour maybe. And try to look under the fucking door and listen to what I was doing. I have this memory where I went into the bathroom to lock the door and hide, and I slept on the floor in there in the dark for maybe 2-3 hours so he wouldn't find me. And sometimes I would wait for my parents to leave so I could run into their room and lock the door. JUST to do my fucking homework.

Then eventually the verbal stuff got REALLY bad. B/c he would watch porn and then graphically tell me about the stuff he saw. And he would say all this shit about sex, do moaning noises at me, and he would do this gesture like he's jerking off and ejaculating at me and do these sound effects with his mouth. He would also do noises and gestures like someone giving oral sex to a man and gagging. He would call me a bitch and other things like that. And he would say things like "yeh, you'll have sex one day and you'll enjoy it" or "you'll suck a dick one day, watch."

To this day, he made me feel like giving oral sex to a man is the worst possible thing. That it's so extremely dirty and makes you basically worthless and dirty. Like less than dirt. I don't think this about other people b/c I know it's not true. But anything related to that or hearing people talk about it is extremely triggering for me. I know it's not wrong. But it's SO triggering on so many levels. It strikes SO many nerves. So many traumatic experiences relate to this and idk why. (Maybe I'll go more in depth into this, even tho I REALLY don't want to. But I feel like it's not as addressed as other parts of my issues and might help)

After months and even a year of this shit (probably went on for around 2), it eventually broke me down really bad. B/c there's no escape. Only in class, but he's across the hall all day. Maybe in the girl's bathroom. I remember going in the bathroom at school to sit on the toilet in the fetal position and cry. Sometimes I would bring my ipod shuffle to listen to music, b/c it was my escape. But you have to go home at some point, and I DREADED going home. But my parents also basically socially isolated us. So we didn't get to go to friends' houses and they couldn't come to our house. And we weren't allowed to do extracurriculars/sports after school. People talk about cyberbullying and how bad it is b/c you go home and its all online so you can't get away. But you can delete your accounts and turn off your computer or phone. You can't escape when your bully is in the next room and there are no locks and no protectors. He's in the same cramped hallway of your small school, he's right across the hall. On the way home he sits next to you and taunts you. And he's there when you go home and you NEVER leave. And you feel like no one cares. He tells you to stfu, calls you a stupid fuck, tells you to stop talking. And then when you talk to your other family members about ANYTHING (unrelated), they cut you off and never listen, and he's always there snickering.

But you get fed up. And you start retaliating. On the car rides home, you start snapping back. You have fist fights with each other in the back of your car. And your mom doesn't pullover and break it up. She just lets you beat each other to a pulp (bit of an exaggeration) and when you cry for help she just goes "we're almost home," even when you're 10 min away. But YOU get in trouble for hitting your brother. Nobody is there to help you. Everyone seems annoyed by you, even your parents. Annoyed when you ask for help, b/c you ask several times a day. And they just say "just ignore him." So you feel like a burden.

You're not allowed to leave, not allowed to hit him, not allowed to break things for catharsis b/c that's destructive. And those things cost money. The reaction when you waste money by breaking things is worse than the reaction when someone is hurting you. So everyone hates you, right? So then you can hurt yourself, b/c no one is going to care anyway, and it helps you get your anger out. But you also have to internalize everything and feel like you deserve it all. And that's when I started self harming. But I was also depressed for the first time. Deeply depressed and full of self hatred. I felt like I didn't matter. So I started contemplating suicide. And I came to a point where I knew I wanted to do it and how. B/c it was the only escape I felt I had. But I never got the chance. Everyday I also wanted to get drunk or high by smoking weed, but I never could do that either. Death felt like the only way.

I don't entirely know how I survived this part of my life. That could be a separate post, not part of this series. But it also affected me in so many ways for a LONG time. That's why this part is so crucial to the story. For instance, for YEARS after this, when I showered, I couldn't even look at my body. I couldn't properly wash my chest b/c touching it felt dirty or wrong. That's a sensitive part of your body, and feeling any kind of sensation there made me feel like I desperately needed to numb that sensation asap or I couldn't continue with my life. I also could potentially have mild ocd and this is only one of the reasons I suspect that (but that's also a story for a different post), but that's getting off topic.

I have issues. And this post is long AF.

►i just wanna feel something.

dates: october/november 2018 mentions of: n/a word count: 2.6k  warnings: depressive thoughts, mentions of death, insomnia, weight loss, self-hatred, implied suicidal thoughts tw (vague-ish?? idk tbh??) and probably a bunch more, i don’t quite know what to tag this exactly but if you’re sensitive to these topics i suggest passing this up, it’s just really not worth it details: jaewon isn’t doing well mentally and i needed 2.6k to put that into words (and still failed tbh). this is my 6th draft on this and it’s still hardly readable so just imagine how bad the other 5 are but i just want to have this out of my system already. also i didn’t proofread this mainly because if i do odds are i’ll just throw the whole thing away so ignore any errors (and just ignore this post as a whole tbh you’re probably better off that way)

“you look moody lately.”

unity’s manager tells him on the car ride back from some variety show appearance and of course, jaewon laughs the comment off with a sharp, cynical burst of laughter, scoffing as he reminds the man that he always looks moody.

his amusement is short lived though, laughter dying out on instant as his manager points out that this is different, that he looks different. the man mutters something about the look in his eyes being more hollow these days, his smiles obviously less sincere than usual and jaewon doesn’t like the insinuation a single bit.

because you see, different never means just different, jaewon knows that. different was what people had started to describe him as after his parents passed and his behavioral issues had first reared their ugly head, what teachers had used when they discussed the once so friendly and sociable boy that now only switched between two emotions: apathy and anger. different is nothing more but a synonym for worse.

he’s doing worse than usual.

the accusation shakes something deep inside of him, making his bones rattle and his fingers tremble to the point he’s forced to ball his hands into fists in the pockets of his hoodie to hide the tremor. he channels all his energy into forcing a smile on his face, he has to bite the inside of his cheek raw to do so and even then it’s still a challenge to keep the smile present long enough to make it seem convincing. he ignores the ache of his facial muscles from the forced expression, ignores the fact that his throat feels tight his chest hurts.

after keeping the nice act up for just long enough to make it believable he excuses himself from the conversation by claiming to be tired, the schedules getting the best of him (“that must be why i look so out of it lately” he claims) and pushes his earphones in perhaps a tad too hastily for it not to look like some sort of flight response.

jaewon doesn’t actually fall asleep, of course, he doesn’t, sleep hasn’t come easily to him for weeks by now but he pretends to be for the rest of the way home.

and instead of actually catching up on the rest he’s been missing he spends it continuously reminding himself that he’s fine.

really, he’s fine.

and if he isn’t, he just needs people to think he is.

“doesn’t dimensions feed you? you look so skinny these days.”

his grandmother slips the comment into the conversation so casually jaewon almost glosses over it at first but when it registers in his mind he chokes on his jasmine tea, coughing violently, eyes red and teary as he takes a moment to regain himself, his grandmother continuing to sip her own cup of tea like she had hardly said anything unusual.

the thing with jaewon’s weight is, and he knows this all too well, is that it is a fickle thing. he is naturally skinny, had always been ever since he was a child and it had only gotten more obvious after his growth spurt in his teens, gaining so much in height but hardly anything in width. the other thing he knows is that while gaining weight is a whole task and a half (much to the joy of dimensions entertainment) he never had the same issue with losing weight not due to scary, unhealthy dietary restrictions but because of an entirely different factor: stress.

whenever stress weights down on jaewon slightly more than usual, the first way it shows is  through his appearance, losing weight rapidly to the point where usually, the public begins to take notice and points out the drop in his weight, only for all those rumors to be snowed over the second times get less hectic and jaewon slowly eases back into his usual weight.

it’s something people close to him know, that there is no need to fuss over his weight, that it has nothing to do with his health which is why jaewon is so taken aback when his grandmother mentions it. by now, he knows to not underestimate the older woman, that she’s usually onto things long before he himself is, it’s been that way all his life: when it came to raising him after his parents died, when it came to signing him up for his dimensions audition, even when he came out to her and told her about his relationship with samsoo, it was obvious that she had already known long before he himself had.

so when she carries on about how sunken his cheeks look and how bony his shoulders have gotten, he knows it’s no notion to his health or an urgency to eat more. no, it’s her subtle way of telling jaewon she can tell he’s not doing well, that’s he’s not feeling well on a mental level rather than a physical one. more importantly, it’s a way of telling him that he can’t respond to defensively or brush aside like unfounded concern because she’s not straight up accusing him of anything, she’s not explicitly stating her worries because she knows that he knows exactly what it is she’s implying.

she’s telling him she knows and there is nothing he can bring in against it.

and jaewon hates it, hates knowing that his grandmother sees right through him, that yet again she has to worry about him. hadn’t the poor woman done enough worrying throughout raising him?  

jaewon knows he owes her so much, he can probably never begin to thank her for everything she’s done for him. he doesn’t even want to begin to think about how he would have ended up had she not been so patient with him, had she not known how to handle him so well.

he wants to be able to pay her back for all the sacrifices she’s made, to prove that it wasn’t all a waste of time and effort, that he wasn’t a waste of time and effort.

but in all honesty, jaewon doesn’t quite believe he’s not. he doubts he’ll ever be anything more than this miserable person filled with nothing but anger and resentment. he’s terrified that he’s bound to disappoint everyone who so desperately wants to believe he could ever be anything close to a good person.

and it makes him wonder how anyone ever stumbled onto that misguided belief at all.

so as he lets his grandmother smoothly guide the conversation back into lighter territory (“how have the unity boys been? it’s been so long since i last saw all of them, you should bring them over for dinner soon”), he weakly smiles at her over the rim of his cup, the smile not quite reaching his eyes and mentally, he apologizes for all the love he received from her that he will never quite deserve.

if only he knew a way to give it all back to her.

“these bags under your eyes are getting harder to hide by the day, do you even sleep anymore?”

the make-up noona scolds him sharply as she tries to fix his make-up ahead of some music show performance. normally, jaewon would probably have laughed at the comment, made some comment about for once it wasn’t a mark on his neck she was struggling to cover up but for once the amusement stayed out, only muttering a quick apology as she continued to layer concealers and powders and whatnot on him to make him look just a little less tired.

a little less unstable.

as of lately, sleep has begun to escape him again. while the nights technically only got longer, his only seem to get shorter. he wonders if it’s a seasonal thing, that for some forsaken reason whenever winter slowly creeps closer his sleep schedule seems to rapidly deteriorate, that he finds himself outside at 3 am more often when it’s cold enough for him to feel the chill all the way in his bones even hidden in a thick coat and scarf.

because it’s not the first time, losing sleep, counting the hours he should have spent asleep yet finding himself wide awake was not anything new to jaewon. but he had been doing better for a while, had gotten himself together more over the course of the summer, even with their hectic back to back comebacks he had managed to get all the sleep he could get.

but suddenly he isn’t anymore and he doesn’t even know why, that was the most frustrating part of it all. how was he going to fix something that he didn’t know what was wrong with to begin with?

it isn’t even that he isn’t tired, he’s absolutely exhausted, sitting here right now, laying in bed at night, at any given time he just feels tired to the point that he wonders what feeling wide awake felt like again, a vague distant memory he can’t quite grasp or recall.

but it’s not enough, it’s not enough to let him fall asleep until hours and hours later than planned after a lot of tossing and turning (or well, minimal tossing and turning before getting up not to disturb his boyfriend with his fussing) and it’s so frustrating. what he does need is for his mind to stop racing, for it all to come to a halt for just a moment so he can find some sort of tranquility but it doesn’t because there are constantly so many things that demand his attention about, that he has to worry and overthink or that he just feels like he should worry and overthink about and he’s so tired of how it never seems to stop.

he’s so tired of being tired.

“jeez why are you such an asshole lately.”

one of the members mutters under their breath during another late night practice and it causes jaewon to tense in his spot. he doesn’t even catch who it is that says it, doesn’t stop to rationalise that the comment is probably heavily reliant on the fact that they must be tired and annoyed,  it’s so late already and has only gotten later because jaewon insisted no one was leaving until they got a specific move down to perfection and maybe, they’ve been practicing later than usual because jaewon’s internal exhaustion clock of when it’s been enough doesn’t work anymore since his sleep schedules has decided to fuck him over.

no instead there is only a voice in the back of his mind reminding him that if one of the boys said it they’re probably all thinking it before going on to remind himself they’re not wrong for thinking it, that they’d be right to despise and resent him.

he calls for a short break, just a few minutes and promises that after that they’ll only go over the choreography a few more times and as he watches the members all slump down and reach for a bottle of water or a towel, he can’t help but think he was never made for this.

he was never made to be a leader.

it’s not the first time he finds his mind wandering to these thoughts. ever since unity had been formed, jaewon had doubted dimensions’ decision to make him the leader and it was an insecurity that has never faded throughout the years. if anything, it has only gotten worse. because now, two and a half years into unity’s career, he has so much proof, so many memories of times he has failed the group.

he may be good at telling them what to do, at keeping them in line and at following the companies every demand, push them through late night practice and drag them out of bed early in mornings to be on time for schedules, at telling them to grit their teeth and bite their tongue when they have to do things they’re not entirely behind, that jaewon isn’t entirely behind himself either.

but beyond that, what good does he really do?

there is no warmth to him, no compassion or encouragement or understanding or literally any of the traits a good leader is supposed to have. he’s this block of ice, he’s refusing to let them in or to open up to them, he’s incapable of relating and handling their emotions in a proper way, hell he can’t even handle his own.

he does more harm than good, he’s always done more harm than good.

the thoughts make it impossible to not feel like he’s too much in his own practice room, within his own group. it’s impossible to not feel like too much when he was literally taking up space he shouldn’t take up.

it is impossible not to feel like too much when he knows every person in the group would be better off without him.

one of the boys call his name and jaewon needs a moment to focus back on reality. it takes a few questioning looks thrown his way before he realizes they’re in fact still in practice, that they’re probably waiting for him to continue where they had left off.

as he pushes himself up from the floor, swallowing the bile resting in his throat, he tells himself it’s okay if they hate him, he hates himself too.

“you look miserable”

this time it’s not someone else pointing out what jaewon already long since knew, this time it’s his own mind reminding him of the fact.

and his mind is right because as he stares at his own reflection in the bathroom mirror, he can’t help but agree.

it’s the look in his eyes like his manager said, it’s the way his face looks more sunken than it usually does like his grandmother said, it’s the bags under his eyes like the make-up noona pointed out and he even can’t help but agree that with the seemingly permanent frown and his lips drawn together in a thin line, he kind of looks like an asshole like one of the boys pointed out during practice.

everything about him screams that he’s feeling like absolutely terrible and it’s not that that’s a groundbreaking revelation because he’s been aware of it for weeks now but it’s still a problem because it shouldn’t be so obvious, people shouldn’t be able to tell.

yes he can barely stand the sight of himself because he can barely stand himself as a person. yes, he’s losing sleep and weight because he’s too caught up in his own mind and the constant intrusive thoughts that fuel his self-hatred.

but none of that is supposed to be anyone else’s problem.

the truth is, jaewon doesn’t want to make it anyone else’s problem because it will just be the next thing on a long, long list that makes him more bothersome than anything else.

he’s not supposed to be a lot of things but he’s at least supposed to have his shit together, to be on top of things and to be able to stand on his own feet.

if he’s none of those things? what does that make him but a complete bother?

and the last thing jaewon wants is the be even more of a inconvenience than he already is.

so yes, he’s miserable, completely and utterly miserable but there is little concern on his mind about fixing that, he just wants to know how to cover it up.

because if it’s not anyone else’s problem, it’s not a problem at all.

[TIME SENSITIVE / URGENT] toxic friend

i kno u guys must get like thousands of messages and im so sorry for cluttering ur inbox and pushing this to the front of the line but im just. desperate and really scared and i need to know what 2 do abt this as soon as possible!!! also as a preface i apologize in advance if some of the way i word things in this come off as offensive or incorrect, etc - i truly, genuinely do not mean any harm so please feel free to correct me if i say something that isnt okay!!! also this is REALLY scattered and mega long so bear with me im really sorry! (also im so. so scared the person in question is gonna see this o H MY GOD so i may need to message this blog again asking for this post to be taken down maybe bc im really paranoid im so sorry!! i hope thats ok but i just dont want to risk her seeing this if this all blows up in my face ohrkjdghkjghfdgj!!!) (TW: SUICIDE MENTION, SELF HARM MENTION)

ok so. almost 2 years ago in early 2016 this girl i’d never met before drew me this incredible gift art for my birthday. we started talking and we found out we have a lot of things in common - we both draw and write, we’re just a few months apart from each other in age, we have similar interests and fandoms, n we live less than an hour away from each other and are one state away from one another - so we immediately hit it off n became super close friends. she was amazingly talented n super friendly and nice n stuff so i wanted 2 be friends w her anyways!!!!! @ the time she was in an online relationship with someone several years older than her who lived across the country, and she mentioned a few times she was feeling unhappy and insecure in that relationship and that long distance was really difficult but she was too devoted to her partner to break it off. the most important thing 2 note is that my friend has several severe untreated mental illnesses (depression, anxiety, ocd among others), regularly self harms, and is suicidal. im pretty sure im neurotypical (or at least i definitely am not suicidal / depressed, etc), so while i couldnt relate to a lot of the things she was going through, i always tried to be a listening ear to her and give her advice / support when i could because i knew she was going through a lot of rough stuff. she told me she doesnt have any friends in real life, her parents are separated and her family does not support her or even really know / care about her mental health, and she can’t access any professional help from teachers / counselors / therapists due to her severe anxiety and financial issues for some of the latter options listed. as her relationship with her partner began to crumble, i started bearing a lot of the weight of her struggles - she would vent to me and i would always have to be there for her to support her. i told myself that because she was mentally ill and didnt have any support i would take on that role so she wouldnt have to suffer. over the summer of 2016 she almost attempted suicide like…. twice??? and i talked her out of it and it was terrifying and really exhaustimg to constantly be worried about her.

then almost a year ago, in the winter of 2016, she started getting… clingy? we started talking a lot more and i didnt really get like any bad vibes from her but we were pretty much joined @ the hip and stuff and we started telling each other all of our secrets (so this is when i found out her relationship with her girlfriend was starting to crumble, which i didnt previously know) also she started constantly drawing me stuff??? like Drowning me in gift art and i felt really bad for not being able to reciprocate but she told me not to worry and that she used art as a coping method and stuff. at this time, i was going through some stuff too - obviously not as severe as depression / self harming, etc, but i had just gotten out of an almost-relationship with someone i knew from school, and i was doing my best to distance myself from romance in general since i didnt feel mature or confident enough to be in a romantic relationship yet. i told my friend that i was uncomfortable about the prospect of being in a romantic relationship and she seemed to understand.

anyways right around my birthday this year she revealed to me that she was madly in love with me (???!!?!?!?!?!!?!!?). mind you we had never even talked to each other / video called or ANything like that and we had only sent each other One (1) selfie and. it made me really uncomfortable because she said that like i was her moon and stars and her whole world and everything and she constantly dreamed of me??? and that she had been secretly like writing me love poetry and drawing me Even More Art i didnt even know about and…… it was. really overwhelming. it bothered me for so many reasons besides the fact that we had never communicated outside of like chatting / sending messages back nd forth like…. ok she was still in that long distance relationship at the time even though it was crumbling, and she KNEW!!! that i was uncomfortable about romance but she told me anyways and stuff!!!!!! and AHHH it was just really bad. so i panicked over it for a day or two because i was scared that if i Firmly Said No that she would spiral into a depressive episode and actually fatally harm this time but i wrote her this huge long letter letting her down very, very, VERY gently and apologizing for ever leading her on and stuff. and. she never actually wrote back to that letter or told me that it was okay???? which….. should have been a red flag 2 me but. we moved on as friends even though we did this conscious of the fact that she still loved me like that and i didnt feel the same way. looking back on it i regret it so much because i told her that like i would Always Be There For Her Forever and stuff and??? gfkjhgk yeah it wasnt a good time.

its been almost a year since then. in the spring i got my first smartphone and we added each other on a lot of social media stuff including snapchat and moved all our conversations there, then we decided to call each other and exchange phone numbers and see how that worked. i didnt really think much of it and was excited to hear her voice and have a conversation with her but…….. suddenly that one call turned into two and two turned into three and within a few weeks we were calling each other like All The Time (at least once a week if not more) and like making these really fucking elaborate schedules to call each other????? WHICH LIKE i dont think is a normal thing friends do idk if im wrong but!!!!! i literally call None of my other friends except for her, and a lot of that is bc i actually get really anxious and uncomfortable talking on the phone?? (also not to mention my mom doesnt really like me talking on the phone either….) but i never really told her that it made me uncomf or that it was difficult to mnge like i guess it just kinda.. Happened and became the norm. so now on top of constantly messaging each other multiple times a day now we were calling frequently too and there was suddenly a lot more pressure in our relationship because i had to stress out over making a large amount of time in my day to talk to her. i graduated high school this spring and having to balance the extreme emotional load of that major change with like… suddenly having to fall all over myself to make time to talk to this girl i didnt even really know?? was just really bad and i regret it so much because i feel like i missed out on fully experiencing it i guess. im really really passive and im TERRIFIED of confrontation and i dont like saying no to people or telling them if im uncomfortable because They Will Get Mad At Me and it was especially worse bc of my friend’s mental health and so she and i would talk for hours on end because i was afraid that if i got tired and ended the conversation without a legitimate excuse she would get mad at me and hurt herself. since we could fit way more conversation into like… long long hours of talking and talking, we ended up like. just telling each other literally Everything and she “eventually” fell out of love with me and started trying to meet people who she actually knew irl to date!! which was. kinda good bc she met this one girl and they hit it off but then it turns out she was just….. queerbaiting my friend??? which Sucked so that obviously didnt work out. and then she met another girl on this dating app and they started going out and my friend started talking to me less for a little while. it turns out though……. that my friend’s new girlfriend lives in my town??? like i dont know her but bc of that my friend and i almost met in person bc the two of them met up and went out together and stuff and they were gonna drop by and see me but that didnt work out. im getting off topic here but my point is……… she told me she wasnt in love with me anymore and she started seeing other people.

sadly she and her gf recently broke up. their relationship was also really unhealthy just like…… All Of Her Relationships and that other girl broke up with my friend because she said she needed space (she was depressed too and needed to recover and my friend was being too clingy and attention seeking and stuff so she just ended it in the middle of the night over text.) ofc ive stuck around for all of this and my friend has vented about every tiny detail of this relationship to me and its…. been So Stressful. now that shes single again she’s more depressed than ever - over the summer when she was dating that other girl she stopped self harming but she started again when their relationship started going south and now im really scared she’s gonna hurt herself, esp bc she tried to commit suicide again a few months ago which was terrifying. also another thing thats made me REALLY uncomfortable!!!!!!!! is that she Keeps Bringing Up the fact that she was in love with me whenever we talk on the phone??? like Every Single Time We Talk, Without Fail. even when she was talking abt her new gf with me sh was like. comparing her attraction to her gf to her attraction to Me and talking abt how they were similar and different and. i never had the guts to tell her it bothered me but god it just does So So Much!!!!! because we were never in a real relationship and she doesnt even really know me KDSJFHKHGAHHH im rambling so much this makes no sense at all and this is so long im so sorry ahhhh but im… Stressed!

so….. we’re running up on two years since we’ve met and one year since she told me she loved me. im in college now and she’s still in high school, and she’ll be i college next year too. again, i dont think that im depressed or mentally ill, but ive been struggling a LOT with the adjustment from hs to college and its been really really rough on me emotionally. now that my friend is single she’s been solely relying on me and trying to get me to call her multiple times a week because she needs the extra support now that she doesnt have her girlfriend anymore… but she doesnt seem to understand that i i just dont have enough time or energy to give all of myself to her and fall all over myself to make her feel better, especially when i already feel suffocated by her to begin with AND when im suppposed to be starting this new life and putting all of my focus into that. we’re mutuals on every single social media i have and i feel like im constantly being crushed by guilt whenever i do anything for myself or post stuff bc she can see what im doing constantly. and like she asked me to turn my read receipts on when we started moving from snapchat to texting and i have them turned off regularly so i did and it was really uncomfortable. i keep bending myself over backwards to mke sure im making her happy bc im all she has left.

neither of us have good relationships with our moms and so we’re always sneaking around to call each other and lately ive been calling her at school because obviously my mom isnt there and its less of a hassle to sneak around her and and talk……. but its a double edged sword bc i keep having to isolate myself and skip clubs / studying / hanging out with friends and socializing to talk to her and listen to her vent and its just so exhausting and i feel like im starting to seriously fall behind in other areas of my life im supposed to be getting better in. its hard enough adjusting to this and missing high school and stuff and trying to learn how to be an adult and be independent, and having her weight over my shoulders just is making things so much worse. but if i tell her that she’s choking me she’ll hurt herself (she’s literally said to me, Multiple Times (and recently!!!) that if it werent for me she’d be dead by now or she would kill herself and stuff and im the only thing she’s living for at this point. which. i dont know how to feel about that). i feel so trapped and i can’t say or do anything that indicates that im uncomfortable because she’ll get mad at me and make these passive agressive little side comments or do these alarmed emoticons and stuff or give me the silent treatment for a day or two (which is always scary bc like its Good when she’s not talking to me but when she doesnt im scared that something horrible happened to her!!!!!) and its just. god. ive started lying to her and coming up with fake excuses to get out of calling her because the thought of having to go isolate myself in these empty courtyards or nooks and crannies of my college campus is growing more and more uncomfortable and terrifying to me and i just cant fucking be honest about it because i suck. when i talk on the phone with her i have to be really fake and smiley and stuff and all she does is ramble about how horrible things are going for her and then i have to try and give advice when i just am so bad at talking and socializing already and im dealing w my own stuff and its… Awful. im so so weighed down by this nd i know that if she knew she’s being a…. b*rden to me right now she would be devastated and harm herself and stuff so i cant say anything and im spiraling out of control with THI s but you get the point im just really uncomfortable Always!!!! and i feel like my own emotions are completely 100000% inferior to hers because she’s gone through so much more than me and stuff???? and idk if thats True or if its just the way i feel but i just cant do anything around her bc shes like a ticking time bomb and anything i feel or try to do to protect myself from getting hurt will be selfish bc shes hurting way mre than me!!!!!!!!

anyways her birthday just happened a couple weeks ago and i bought her a tiny present and drew her somehting (i felt super guilty about not doing More for it though because shes done so much for me and also literally nobody except me remembered her birthday, not even really her own family). i havent mailed it to her yet (i told her i would send it this weekend, which is why this is marked as urgent) but we just exchanged addresses for the first time so now she not only knows my name, my age, what i look like, my Entire Backstory Ft. My Deepest Darkest Secrets, and how to reach me whenever she wants wherever she wants, but now she knows Exactly where i live and where i go to school too lol yay!!! anyways im getting really really anxious because i just had my midterms for college and didnt talk to her for an entire week last week but this happened right after her gf broke up with her and i think shes mad at me for taking a week off of talking to her. we were gonna call again today but i weaseled my way out of it bc it was so overwhelming and now i have to mail her this gift this weekend and my mom and other fmily members are all yelling at me about it and demanding that i just like…. Not Send It To Her because i dont owe her anything and tht i should just cut her off but if i do she’ll hurt herself nd she follows me everywhere and knows all of my secrets and stuff and idk im just scared that if i end our friendship she’ll try to ruin my life!!!! Like i dont think she would be petty like that or turn people against me or anything but she’s so obsessed with giving all of herself to other people nd she’s literally said she cant function without being 100000% devoted to somebody and like even after she’s broken up with all these other girls she still…. is obsessed with them and angsts over them and stuff and she does that with me even though i never even dated her or anything aND ITS JUST bad

like. idk i just really needed to get all of that out and im sorry it was so so so long and i dont even know what to do but i guess i marked this urgent because like. do i send her the present???? should i try to just like quietly distance myself from her real subtly so she wont notice or should i just straight up tell her that i cant breathe around her anymore and i just. really need space??? or like to not be friends anymore even though we know everything about each other??? am i being manipulated or is it jsut All In My Head that our relationship is toxic??? like idk if i shoud even cut her off completely or aNYTHING or if we could like even go on being just acquaintances from now on and saying hi to each other from time to time. and i feel so mean and bad for writin all of thisstuff about her when i know shses so vulnerable and i havent concretely communicated Any discomfort around her so if she saw this she would immediately know it was about her and do something Terrible to herself nd she constantly spams me with memes about depression and wanting to die and like…. blows up my phone with like 50 text messages at once and its just so so so much to worry about and i!!! just!!!!!! cant function like this anymore!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHH!!

anyways that was a huge disorganized mess and im kinda shaking and i dont even think i got all of it down or communicated how trapped and helpless i feel. ive never been in any situation like this before and i hate that she’s…. yeah. she’s really like manipulated me and stuff and i dont know how to get out of it. every time i think about it i feel like bursting into tears because im just so stuck and i dont even know if the way im feeling is even valid or if its all just lke. in my head or something and this is how friends really are Supposed to be because ive never really had a great social life either and my best friends are honestly my brother and sister and they mean everything to me and so i have friends outside of my family but like idk i never like. really was that close with any of them nad stuff nad idk this isnt about me BUT i just uhhh. am kinda crying a little bit and im sorry fo rbeig a big baby about all of this its all my fault for being a Human Doormat and letting people walk all over me nd tellin myself that i can bear that weight when i really have never taken good care of myself before Ever In My Life and stuff. but anyways im gonna stop rambling now and just… to whoever reads this or responds to this or whatever just thank you for hearing me out even if you think im wrong / crazy / Terrible for feeling this way because it just has been so much and i dont know what to do.

Hey there!

There's a lot going on here, but the bottom line seems to be this; you're in a friendship that you don't want to be in, and that you feel is unhealthy for you.

You are not her therapist. You can't fix her, you can't treat her, you can support her, but that's it. You aren't responsible for her. You're forcing yourself to put all this time and energy into something that you're super uncomfortable with, and don't want to be doing, and it's draining you and destroying your own mental health. You have to put yourself first. It's okay to want to help people, but you HAVE to put yourself first, or else you'll burn out and you won't be able to help anybody.

At the very least, you need to talk to her about how you're feeling, and tell her you need to tone down your relationship. What's happening absolutely isn't fair to you. All you can do to help her is your best, and right now, you're not doing your best because you're not taking care of yourself.

I know you're concerned about her hurting herself or killing herself, but you have to understand that you are not responsible for her. If she does something to herself, it's not as a result of your actions. She's traumatized and mentally ill, and those factors are what causes her to hurt herself. Not you. You are not and can not be responsible for her. Period. If she tells you she's going to kill herself or severely hurt herself, you have her address. Call 911 and ask them to dispatch help to her house. She might hate you for it, but an angry person is far, far better than a dead person. That action very well might save her life, and get her the help that she needs, so don't be afraid to do it.

As for the present, it's totally up to you. You did promise it to her, and fulfilling that promise might help you let her down a little bit more gently. At the same time, giving her a permanent reminder of you could hurt her. Maybe you should ask her? Tell her about how you're feeling and that you can't keep going with this intense of a relationship, and have a conversation about that. During that conversation, you could ask if she still wants the present. She might get angry, or it could help soothe her, or maybe she'll have a totally different reaction. It's hard to know.

This conversation is going to be super, super hard. It's going to be hell, quite frankly. She's a super sensitive person, and she's probably not going to take it well. So remember what I said before, about her not being your responsibility, and do a LOT of self care working up to the conversation and after the conversation. I'd recommend making a self care kit, and putting things in it that help calm you down. My personal self care kit contains nice smelling lotion, soft fabric, stuff to play with, gum, tea bags, and notes from friends reminding me that they love me. You could also be texting a friend during the conversation, so that they can reassure you and help talk you through it.

You may not be going through the same things she is, but your feelings and your struggles are valid. You don't need to destroy yourself to help someone that's "worse" than you are. You need to take care of yourself, and keep yourself as healthy as possible. You aren't any less valuable simply because you're not traumatized or self harming. Your mental health is important, and you need to do what's right for you.

I hope this helps!

♥ - Fawn