#i dont need any more reasons to feel more lonely than i already do. the company will be something at least
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man its so fucked that im not being called a pretty boy every single day of my life bc i am cute !!!!!
#wind howls#i think i have a pretty nose. and pretty eyes#the more i reread this post the more its fading but i went to the bathroom to brush my teeth and i felt cute.#i also think i may just. be going a little stir crazy. im going out about the city tomorrow with my sibling just to try n get some air#i was gonna go on my own but i think itd probably make me feel a little miserable. i dont like being on my own.#i dont need any more reasons to feel more lonely than i already do. the company will be something at least#or so i hope. things get rocky sometime but my sibling is fine when theyre in a good mood#and hey maybe ill find places that are hiring nearby. places where i can sit and still work yknow. i hope so at least..
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WIBTA For Snitching On My Brother?
tl;dr at the end, the submissions a bit long. sorry if this sounds like stupid teen drama, but i needed outside opinions. (tw for mentions of attempted suicide)
so for a bit of context here, me (14nb) and my brother (14m) both have Parental RestrictionsTM on our phones. In my opinion they are way more severe than they need to be. i am not allowed to have any social media at all, my mother barely tolerates discord. I cannot text anyone who is not my direct sibling or parent from 9pm at night to noon the next day and i cant use any "nonessential" apps during that time frame too. my brother has the same restrictions on his phone, but he has safari removed because my mother said he was playing "random internet games". however, he has found ways around this and ways around the app restrictions. i know how he does it. i really dont have any intention of telling our mother, its none of my business and i honestly dont care that much.
I recently moved to a new school. My brother and i were homeschooled prior to this during covid. And it was fine. We went to a homeschool co-op twice a week. A year ago we were both enrolled in Local Community College as dual enrollment students. A semester into that i was Not Vibing Well and ended up having a breakdown and getting a therapist. I would talk to her directly about this but i havent been able to see her in weeks due to scheduling conflicts. The workload seemed too much to me, there was no longer a distinction between School and Home. i felt like i was constantly on the clock, and i barely saw my friends. In addition to other factors at my co-op, I got very lonely. At that time the limits on my phone were 9pm-3pm (it was later edited to 9am to noon) . I cant remember exactly what happened, but i asked my mother to at least change the communication limits so that i could talk to my friends during the day. She said no, stating that I Do Not Need to Communicate With Friends During The School Day. i do not have a real “school day” i am at home basically 5/7 days of the week. And normal kids see their friends every day at school. The argument got dropped then.
Fast forward half a year, i felt increasingly lonely, out of place, bothersome, etc, at my co-op and have decided to try going to Local Public Highschool. This meant leaving my best friend (14f) whom i love dearly (for the purposes of this post i will call her Z). Z is one of my favorite people in the whole world, we got platonically married, I lovingly refer to her as “my wife”, and i would genuinely die for her. She got a phone over the summer which means we have a better way to communicate, replacing discord as the primary communication system. Also at that time one of my best online friends fucked up their discord account somehow and the whole online group moved to text. there's about four of them? J, Other J, B, and L (ages vary from 12-16). I believe only B is directly relevant to this story but the others are worth mentioning. Additional context (tw for mentions of suicide from now on), all of those four are varyingly suicidal. B has attempted before, at least twice I believe. out of the group i am probably the most mentally stable.
School starts! I am already feeling a bit lonely due to leaving Z but we stay positive. I wake up for school at like 530 and check my phone at like 6:45. Woohoo a message from B! It was sent at 4 am. This is concerning. There is a glitch that i can use in order to view texts for between half a second and four seconds, it depends, and i use it. B’s message reads “Bye”. theres no fucking reason that they would be texting me goodbye at 4am in the morning unless they were going to kill themselves. I cannot properly view or respond to that text until noon, so eight hours. I wait to know if my friend is ok for eight hours, and at noon i check my phone again. In that time i’ve received messages from the groupchat. J, Other J, and L all received “bye” texts from B at around the same time period. After a few messages, we know B is ok, i dmed them privately and they responded both in ims and the gc. So they are ok. But i had to wait for eight hours to know that. Later that day i asked my mom if she had considered my proposal (i asked her a day or two before if she would at least turn off communication limits because it is also rather embarrassing to be honest to have to tell other people that oh i cant respond to your message right now, sorry my mom has limits on my phone :D. In addition i get anxious when i send a message that im nervous abt and it doesnt get responded to for hours so i hate leaving messages for longer than two hours). Once again, she said no. it goes against her Views As A Parent for me to have “unrestricted access” to my phone. She offered to add only Z to the list of people i can contact during the limits. This is better than nothing but Z texts more in the groupchat than she does in private messages so it wouldn’t work that well. We argued, it didnt work out, i got pissed off and we both went to bed. i very strongly feel that for like my mental health i need to be able to communicate with my friends better than i can at the moment. And i dont want to wake up to a message from a friend, have it be the last one they ever send, and not be able to respond for hours.
Heres where the part where i could be an asshole comes in. (so sorry that that was really long i didnt know what parts would be needed as context and what were not so i just typed everything i think might be relevant). This isnt something that i am very strongly considering, as i truly dont want to fuck up my relationship with my brother and i love him a lot. I just want opinions on whether it would like be going too far i guess. I am considering offering a trade. I tell my mother how my brother has found ways around his limits, and she turns off the communication limits on my phone. WIBTA if i did that?
TL;DR: would i be the asshole if i snitched on how my brother got around some restrictions in exchange for me being able to communicate with my friends?
What are these acronyms?
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i've seen actually a few different people/users leave comments or tags about wanting to check out scavenger's reign after seeing my glowing praise of it, but also being very nervous to do so, because they're excited for a lesbian who looks like them (azi), but despite my gushing, i keep mentioning how the show is full of body horror, brutal deaths and characters having a bad time;
this is a very valid concern to have, given how a character like azi might be treated in another show, i was going in with tempered caution as well
without spoiling too much, you can lay those worries down.
the show treats her very well.
if you'd like some more elaboration, i've put it under this readmore!
azi is put into stomach-churningly dire "an alien is about to eat you/do a big big body horror/assimilate you" situations the least of any of the characters, and not even because she's being given a lack of stuff to do/experience in the plot!
i think we only see her get "afflicted" by something the way sam does once, and its very mild compared to everyone else (basically she gets a really bad itchy rash after successfully prying some weird would-be paralytic puffballs that get stuck to her) and even this one instance is quickly resolved by other fauna, in a very nice sequence of scenes that is clearly a healing/relaxing experience for her.
while she is put into danger and is trying to survive like everyone else, she gets tossed about in action setpieces she makes it through with minimal injury, more than enduring The Horrors;
she gets to have better luck because more of her narrative screentime is, by design, already dedicated to emotionally bonding with her robot buddy, levi, as they suddenly and rapidly attain self-awareness, and levi encourages her to find the beauty and harmony in this nightmarish nature documentary they got marooned in.
this helps her lighten up just in time, too, because she is, very understandably, stressed almost to her breaking point by the point the show starts, having one of the better crash landing sites of any of the survivors, and i bet the other survivors all wish they had a robot tagging along to help,
but being stranded and lonely and trying to not lose hope of rescue. she misses her girlfriend, and is feeling increasingly vulnerable (negative) and afraid, especially when situations occur where she gets reminded she does need help. azi starts the series being kind of mean to levi, and having to balance her confusion, worry, and then awe of levi's transformation, and let herself accept she does need that help.
azi is not the gruff grr nothing phases me nothing hurts me the writers dont have to try giving me depth i'm just the badass butch who exists to fill the death quota later so a lighter/more fem character can survive;
her vulnerability reveals itself without much fuss, and is eventually tended to both by herself and others. we get flashbacks that show she was naturally introverted, but clearly wanting to overcome that in order to socialize and get closer to someone (girls...)
she goes through it for other reasons, but i promise you, the show treats her very well, i feel. she and levi are probably-nah, definitely, my favorite characters in it, and the show would not have blown me away the way it did without them here
SR has 3 main story threads; Azi and Levi, Sam and Ursula, Kamen and The Hollow. of the three, Azi and Levi's is the heart, and is the most romantic, in multiple senses of the term. i might right a breakdown of what i love most about all three threads? but yeah
now, if you still need the "okay but does she or her gf die" y/n:
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azi and her girlfriend both survive the events of the show, and reunite in one piece! they may or may not throuple up with the robot.
i sure hope they do.
you can't tease us with scenes like this and Not
OH: also, when a new antagonist shows up later in the form of a lethally pragmatic blonde woman named Kris who tries to boss azi around, i did get nervous, but Azi soured to max on her and spoke exactly what i hoped was the intent at the exact moment i felt it was critical to avoid me going "hrrmmm don't like these Implications"
(the Instant azi detects blondie is trying to haze her into being a new teammate to be bossed around, azi immediately gets rightfully pissed and rejects it, and schemes to get the tagalong kid to see this also and on azi's side in the long run, which plays out and kris gets rapidly shuttled out of the plot and then pretty damn well humbled in the only blatant Sequel Hook present. i Appreciated that. Would have loved to love you Kris I love evil women but then you pulled That Stunt and now you can go wither alone in the corner
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im scared to tell my psychiatrist i tried to end myself twice within a month (sep-oct). i dont know why i am. i have to call the office myself since im an adult now, but im really scared making phonecalls. i have to do it because its been since april that ive seen my psychiatrist but i have to do it. i dont know when ill do it, im too scared. that fear frustrates my family a lot. i feel like im already a failure of an adult and will continue to be like that forever.
today was mostly good, just uneventful until this evening. but now im feeling depressed and i want to cry until i cant anymore, but i cant cry, so i just feel bad. i dont feel tired so i dont want to sleep, but its almost midnight so i should soon. im feeling stressed out about needing to call the psychiatrist's office, so i dont feel like i can relax at all.
ive just been feeling bad a lot lately but thats not new, i say think that to myself every other week or so. whats making me sad the most right now is hating my art. i dont have any confidence in my art but i want to get better, but i dont think i ever will. i will always have mediocre talent, no matter how hard i try. i keep thinking about burning my physical art and either deleting my digital art or just even destroying my laptop, though the latter is very excessive, but i still think about it every now and then out of frustration. i want to give up but i really dont know what else id do, ive always drawn since i was very little, its always made me happy. i really want to not care how upset stopping would make people, including myself, but if i dont stop out of just purely giving up, i probably will stop because i k!lled myself.
every day is feeling the same, it even felt that way when classes were still going. i got so used to the schedule that i got used to the systematic cycle. i partially dont want classes to start again because of that, its boring and the amount of work is stressful, im just going to go back to breaking down and nearly attempting from stress and lack of confidence that i can really do this, that i can really power through and get the degree i want. i keep getting told im smart and always work hard, but that really doesnt mean anything now. being and doing those things doesnt suddenly mean that because of those things, ill survive the stress. it only actually makes it worse, like im ridiculous for feeling the pressure and have the mental health collapses that i do because of college, that im not trying hard enough and am lazy.
for some reason the desire for love has been on my mind and i dont know why, youve seen the pathetic longing things i say about romance. right now i feel like i am missing out and am a failure by societal standards for not even have dated in my life, and i still dont have a partner at 18 years old. i feel extremely lonely to the point that seeing other couples makes me depressed, which is probably selfish of me. i feel like and believe now that i will always be alone. i know i am not beautiful to anyone, i know i am not funny, i am not interesting, im a pain in the ass, im too much to deal with and am just unlovable in general. i hate feeling this way, i never cared about romance or relationships and have always been repulsed at the idea of me ever being loved romantically or being in a relationship. i feel stupid. i feel like a jerk. i feel like i deserve to be alone forever, and i really do. or maybe, just end myself, if im so unlovable in every way, then why not just weed myself out? whoever takes my place will be much more worth it than i ever could be. its so stupid thinking about myself d*ing from a broken heart. "just grow up, sad excuse of a grown adult." (in quotes because its a direct thought to myself towards myself, nobody else)
i really doubt everything will get better, ive felt this same exact way for 3 years now. sad, burntout, stressed, like im nothing but a problem for my family, a burden and waste of time to be around or talk to or care about. i did attempt once in 2021 but failed, obviously im still alive. i really want to try again. im really scared of pain, so im trying to find the quickest way or the least painful option. if i just call, i can get different meds or a different dosage and i wont feel this terrible. im so childish for an adult to be unable to make a fucking phonecall. i feel like next year might be it, im not sure why i get that feeling, but i dont have any reason to keep going. im not looking forward to anything. nothing is really that fun or exciting, i just try to distract myself. i know im not wanted, and im too difficult for my family.
its now a half hour after midnight because im incapable of shutting the fuck up. i might just lay down and watch youtube or cry myself to sleep, whichever happens first
#vent#tw sui ideation#tw sui vent#tw sui attempt#long post#well this escalated fast#i am useless and pathetic. i am going to remain this way forever. the only way out is to just disappear i think. im tired of being alive
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I definitely think EE realised they made a mistake putting Honey and Jay together but the problem is that because they did it does take the impact of Jay and Lola away. You could understand with Lola's journey that she loved other people but it just hadnt been then the right time with Jay until it was.
But with him it felt like, even though they got back together before she was diagnosed, that he pressed fast forward on their relationship. I don't doubt that he loved her but for how rushed it was that they were back together then she was diagnosed suddenly she was the love of his life, but like he hadn't been trying to get her back in the years they were apart.
I think thats one reason why this storyline is bugging me so much because he's acting like he's the only one who is hurting, maybe the only one who has a right to be hurting. Like its *his* grief and no one elses but Billy, Ben, 100% Lexi lost way more than he did. I used to like Jay but everything has been so self indulgent and well just selfish. He should have removed him from Lexis environment if he ever cared for her. If he so determined not to move on because he doesnt want to forget Lola then he should have respected her memory enough to not be around her already vulnerable daughter.
Everyone grieves differently and whilst I dont like how hes doing it i can understand it, what I cant understand is how it's been coupled with ignoring everything he promised Lola.
I think the Honey and Jay thing could have been waved away if had been a month or something tops. But it was years. And the truth about Lola and Jay is that Lola never picked Jay when she thought she had other options. And Jay grew out of his Lola obsession years ago - he didn’t care when they broke up. And the whole lonely Jay thing isn’t something I buy either. He’s been firmly established in the Mitchell family for over a decade. He’s ‘one of them’. We’ve seen it repeatedly over the years. He’s a Mitchell. Yet now he doesn’t feel a part of them?!
They tell us he has this great relationship with Lexi but we’ve literally never seen it. He’s been her often absent uncle for most of her life and of course she loves him, but there’s never been any real warmth to their relationship. They’re like buds. They now have a trauma bond.
And the thing is, I don’t even have a problem with Jay grieving. Grief is selfish. But I do have a problem with the way it’s presented without consequence. He pushed Ben into the PR thing and he knows it - and at the first hurdle he falls so spectacularly that it renders the entire intention of the PR moot. But he should still be allowed the thing Ben absolutely didn’t want and he has failed at because…?
He does drugs around Lexi, putting her in danger and upsetting her but it’s everyone else that should feel bad for being angry because…?
He puts his grieving, traumatised and in recovery friend in an impossible position, but Ben is the one who is wrong because…?
He assaults the person trying to help him and minimises his relationship with his step daughter of 2+ years and doesn’t apologise but it’s ok because…?
Jay can fuck up spectacularly. I welcome it. And I would love him for it. But when the audience and show think it’s everyone else’s fault to the point where they need to manipulate people with awful, nonsensical writing, I’m not going to be moved by it.
Jay hasn’t grown as a character in years, and if they keep pulling this shit where he isn’t in the wrong, even when it’s clear he is, he’s never going to progress.
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Maybe you've done it already and I missed it, but what would Gabriel's two-week-notice look like in the Ultradanse AU?
This has nothing to do with any other comments you have made about feral Gabriel or any other desire to see how he changes from The Gilded Nightingale to The Nightingale.
:3c. OOOHH. WELL
ive been really trying to think about that hard, since comparing the characters to those in fairytales and ballets tended to skew the story a bit.
and uh... my descriptions wont be the best.. im not the best at explaining things in ballet terms moreso just based on my perception of the art form and what i see in it through my eyes.
also im gonna go off of the concept that ultradanse is almost like a stage performance, a show
the most i can do to describe how it looks is to compare it to my vision for the first encounter with Odile/V1... because of the way i designed his lil costume he has a sort of princely look, and even though hes yknow. out to kill V1 because V1 traversed past his warnings, his dancing with V1 then is much more... poised. it might feel a bit distant, maybe it might even seem like hes unsatisfied doing it, as at the time there is no personal connection with V1, no love nor hatred. its not romantic, hardly so. i dont know if this is a good example, but i was thinking abt Prince Siegfried's dancing in Waltz: Tempo di valse...
once V1 is pretty much responsible for his 2-week notice, i like to think Nightingale/Gabriel starts to match V1's high energy, his grace is kinda going out the window... itd be much more intense. if its a pas de deux hes probably getting his fucking hands all over them like hes about to tear them apart. hes abandoning that princely facade. i feel like though in the second half a pas de deux between them would make them slow their pace. now that both of them are dancing together and able to match intensity, it starts to slow down into something more... romantic? yeah :3 i like to think this, this is where any romantic tension starts
now about how he changes from the gilded nightingale to the nightingale. you see... after their second encounter, Gabriel is convinced hes going to die, after all thats what he was told. once he returns from heaven, he seeks out V1 to ask of one final request. he doesn't want to die lonely, and asks V1 to dance with him until the final hour runs out. V1 has no reason to accept his request, other than something pulling at it do so and the possibility it could take a little bit more blood before he's gone. dancing together, progressively Gabriel becomes weaker and weaker.
i REALLY wanted to keep this secret for a scene i wanted to draw but honeeesttlyyyy i dont think its too bad if i share it. after all, im not sharing V1's feelings here. im sharing Gabriel's :3
i had this whole.. plan
my thing abt pas de deuxs is that. i like to find symbolism in the fact that traditionally, the male dancer is supposed to support the ballerina to be able to perform moves she typically wouldnt be able to on her own without someone holding her.
towards the end of their dance, V1 switches positions to hold and uplift Gabriel instead, who has this entire time been in the place of the male dancer. in his approaching final moments V1 lays him down on the ground. he's hardly moving, and V1 holds onto him, finding itself not wanting him to just... disappear.
now im still figuring out HOW i want this to work. but i thought abt V1 in desperation, grasping onto the sides of his helmet and ripping his helmet in half being the symbolic thing that sets him free. the thing about the gilded nightingale, is that the armor is the bird's cage. Gabriel's design in this AU only really has the helmet and no other armor, so it just... makes sense to me. this is what sets him free. how the transformation works though? i am.. still thinking about it. you might need to give me a bit to think about that
#im trying not to make that transformation magical girl esque LMAO BUT ITS SO HARD NOT TOOOOO#.txt#ask#sorry for rambling meoww#ultradanse au#crazy? i was crazy once#im considering redesigning ultradanse gabe a little again im not sure why
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still thinking about mia!
in particular i found the deliberate and thoughtful way ga01 approached the concept of a plucky teen sidekick refreshing... because sidekicks are a staple of the genre, right, and moreover most of us *like* them, so how do we justify the "good guys" *having* them when we're also writing stuff with way more realism than the old stuff?
and to be honest i don't really need that when im reading, i can suspend my disbelief. but you have to commit to the bit when you're the one writing it, you have to believe it. and a lonely place of dying... it did ok for what it was and im extremely fond of it, but i also think it was already walking away from like... the fact that batman got robin killed, yk. it was walking away from what that meant. and like i said thats fine. if they never brought robin back i never would have gotten into comics in the first place, yknow?
but i think the exploration of some of the thorny concepts around mia sidekicking in ga is great because like. this is *emphatically* not an omelas situation. green arrow definitively does not "need" a speedy and it is also emphatically not speedys job to provide a counterbalance or whatever.
ok this got long. putting in a cut here
and both dinah and roy absolutely tear into ollie about his decision to let mia sidekick with him--and i feel like ive read a fair few kid/teen sidekick stories which have the kid wind up in danger (or whatever) regardless of the adult trying to discourage them, and the adult at that point figures if theyre going to sneak out/disobey/whathaveyou its better to do it where the adult can keep an eye on them. and there are times when this is presented like the adult literally cannot convince the child not to do those things, which. yknow. we understand how fiction works so we also know if the writer says the kiddo wont listen to any reason, that the adult just doesn't have the power over them to stop them, then thats what happened... but the implications about the power dynamic and the adults ability to set reasonable boundaries dont paint a *great* picture.
but GA doesn't do that... i would argue mia was being set up to be the 2nd speedy all the way back to dinah and roys conversation in that plane where they just learned ollie might be alive and cant stop bitching about him lol. and iirc this is within the first 6 issues. and dinah and roy are both throwing around unfair accusations at the time, but roy says smth to the effect of what do you want to bet he's already training her to replace me. and i don't think he really believed that but it obviously planted the idea in readers heads if it wasnt there already! but yknow after that, mia doesn't debut as speedy until ga 46, or thereabouts im not looking it up, several years later both IRL and in-universe (or well in-universe its almost 2 years. iirc.).
(i can't even imagine how it must have felt if youd been following that series the whole time *finally* seeing that enter speedy cover. id have been screaming my damn head off.)
anyway. i already talked about comparing and contrasting the man mia killed during her test run vs the jason and felipe situation but i also wanted to say that i think it was great that the whole conversation pretty much *opens* with that. like forget physical danger the kid might be in--what about the psychological toll? what about the choices hes putting her in the position to make?
despite ollie very much being the protagonist of the series and mia very much being a supporting character, the focus of the emotional impact is on her, and the focus of the *responsibility* is on him. (now compare and contrast batman with robin...... listen, i absolutely do not believe it wasn't set up as a deliberate contrast, ok.)
and you would naturally think that would mean she doesn't... get to be speedy. she doesn't get to be a hero. she doesn't get another chance. but then she gets her HIV+ diagnosis, and the focus for mias character turns specifically to *living* with HIV.
and i think that's what makes it clear, to me at least, that the whole... fighting crime thing is supposed to be a metaphor. at least on some level. its a power fantasy, its a metaphor, its about the *good guys winning.* heroes being heroes. and i think a lot of the discussions around representation have gotten so overblown for what they are, but--unironically--sometimes its really meaningful and important just to see yourself. and to believe that no matter what youve lived through, you can be good, you can be wanted, you can make a difference.
which is why mia gives her presentation in the auditorium about her diagnosis, and i feel like this was also a deliberate callback to roy "only you can prevent forest fires" harper and his anti-drug PSA. because roy decided, after snowbirds, he was going to go public about his addiction because he wanted to help other people going through the same thing he did, or prevent other people from going through it yk. and there are two incidents i can think of where, years down the line, he feels some regret over it because now hes just known as the heroin guy, the guy who used to do drugs. but i also don't think he would ever have chosen to do anything else. both speedys are actively choosing to bear that stigma openly in the hopes of reducing it, you know?
speaking of which! i thought it was a *fantastic* - and no doubt deliberate - contrast to how roys drug use was treated, to have mia only talk about it *once* (this is in the HIV+ issue. 45ish?) that she regularly did meth when she was on the streets, and its explicitly clear she did it to survive. and it never comes up again. there's no condemnation, there's no literal war on drugs propaganda here. (the first roy comic i ever read was the mini ntt one in the mandatory fucking D.A.R.E program in middle school, btw.) it was a fact of her life because her life was *fucking dangerous,* and meth helped keep her alive until she managed to find her way out of it!
so this is another concept mia becoming speedy explores--the fact that the people who should have kept her safe as a child did the opposite. mia has never been safe her entire life until moving in with ollie. and the people who hurt her left permanent damage in a physical way in the form of HIV. so now ga is exploring like... what it means to be safe. what it means to be mortal. what exactly is a childhood. and it doesn't dig *too* too deeply into these because its not that kind of comic book, its the kind of comic book where the good guys shoot glue arrows at bad guys and stick them to the floor. but it approaches it and sits you down with those questions and i mean, for me at least, even putting aside exactly how hype i was for mia to take on the mantle, it felt *right* that ollie would say yes.
and the next issue i think or the one after that (its the teen titans one! tim is there later). is the one where roy reams ollie out for this, they talk about it, roy lampshades the different... contexts of having a speedy. like its not like how it used to be. the bad guys are worse, its not safe enough for a kid anymore. and this is where ollie relays mias diagnosis (<- she had already decided to go public about it as i said before, so ollies not sharing information that isnt his to share here). and roys like that could have been me. its a good issue! i like what it does with what its doing.
and then some 20 issues later, once mia is reasonably well established as a superhero and a titan....... Enter Jason.
(🥰)
i have so much to say about this arc i love it so much. let me preface by saying none of this is a condemnation of jason, hes pretty much my favorite fictional character of all time. im not interested in wagging my finger at the guy styling himself as a supervillain at the time and going Naughty Jason! Thats Not How We Make Friends!, yk. im also not endorsing it, bla bla bla, whatever, this really aint about him right now. right now we're just talking about what he does for the story, the questions he poses about mia and sidekicks and shit.
god, where to fucking start.
i guess ill start with jasons "were not so different you and i" villain speech. and yknow at least on the surface level theres like. a certain join-me-be-my-robin element to it or like he's encouraging her to cross the line or whatever. but honestly, jason was less there because jason todd the fictional character wanted to be there, and more because winick as the writer thought it continued to explore the concept in an interesting way.
because we've talked about green arrows responsibility vis a vis letting her be a sidekick bc of the psychological impact of it, about the choices she's put in a position to make, about HIV and what it means to be a hero and safety. all of those things. and jason shows up to *demonstrate* that--
--it really is not fucking safe to do what they do.
and Jason is, i think, at his most terrifying here, and thats on purpose. it is *visceral*. it is so, so incredibly well done. and it throws ALL those questions of safety and responsibility and mortality and heroism and do-gooding into a new light because you really feel like, oh my god, her life is in danger.
tbh i think some of the reader anger at jason for this arc--and titans tower, just to a lesser degree because it wasnt NEARLY as good lol--is the fact that he *is* challenging us, the readers, to think about our beloved kid/teen sidekick trope. he brings back the element of realism that GA was drawing away from somewhat, the element of *real consequences.* and as a reader it is so much easier to just be mad at jason because well hes the villain of the story...... and ignore the fact that hes demonstrating--both by being the dead robin cautionary tale, and by being ~red hood, the scourge of the underworld~ lol--that if this is not something she's prepared to face, a possibility she's prepared for, then she shouldn't be wearing that uniform.
and that the person she relies on to protect her can't always be there to do it.
and, mini tangent, there's absolutely no way jason was trying to kill her here. he terrified her, he kicked her ass, but he didn't do any permanent damage and he didnt "lock her in" (<- real reading i saw once 🙄 try reading it again with your eyes next time genius) he stabbed his knife into her cape. if jason were being written by anyone else i would entertain the idea but it was winick, who knows exactly how smart and thorough jason is supposed to be *because he was the one who made him that way.* there's no doubt in my mind that jason was perched somewhere watcging to make sure she got out before the place went kablooey but you know what, in fairness, thats not on the page. BUT, like. the reason mia *thinks* jason was going to kill her--before she realizes he could have if hed wanted to, and purposely let her go--was because he wanted her to think that. he wanted to scare her and he wanted to warn her and he wanted to make her think.
really really love this arc.
anyway. i mentioned in my other post that winick tweaked mias backstory so she was also homeless like jason, which i sort of have mixed feelings about. in smiths version, her dad trafficks her and later she winds up as one of the "girlfriends" (euphemism for victims) of his associates. and that was ... not really the picture of child trafficking you usually see in comics, the more common real-life scenario rather than the sensationalized version of quote-unquote child prostitutes on street corners. but at the same time i think winick kept the most important part (the familial trafficking) and i also think he changed it in order to explore all the aforementioned topics in an interesting way. it doesn't feel like it was just an arbitrary change, or to make it more exciting or whatever. like he was exploring stuff with it, it was purposeful.
for example--going back to mia and meth. the more you read of winick the more you notice that intravenous drugs and illnesses associated with them (so including but not limited to HIV/AIDS) are something of a... recurring... motif, i guess? they're something he regularly comes back to explore. and thats interesting in the context of mia for a lot of reasons but well. when mia defensively says to ollie that she used meth, the reason she gives is they used it to stay awake on the streets. and i do think winick deliberately--and *effectively*--explored the pre-existing (and historical) parallels btwn batman and green arrow in a bunch of other ways, so i don't think im off base in saying the fact that *robin* 2.0 famously lived on the streets *probably* had something to do with the backstory tweak for speedy 2.0, particularly again bc of jasons "we're the same" villain speech. but also, like i said, she mostly used to stay awake(/alive), which is something of a harder sell if she hadn't been homeless, and also like i said, winick likes exploring drugs and wanted to write a hero living with HIV.
before i get into the comparisons with jason and mia, i also want to say that i think jason--who im constantly affectionately calling a revenant--is such an effective contrast for mia because the emphasis for mia! was always on living. it was always on healing. despite having a *distinctly* non-everykid origin story, mia absolutely embodies something i think was very characteristic of her generation of teen titans, or at the very least early days cassie and tim, which was this simultaneous like... they're normal kids, they're *relatable,* but they're also superheroic in determination, and resourcefulness, and they want this, and they know they can do it, so they will. and thats what its all about, man.
...actually i just ran out of steam, ill write out some thoughts on jason telling mia theyre the same later lol sorry. im toired!!!!
anyway mia is soooo good.
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What are some reasons to recover if youre a healthy weight alr?
You will never get to "enjoy" being underweight, because your brain will always want more (trust me, I know it sounds like lies but it has happened to everyone whose ed made them underweight)
Recovery gets harder the longer you put it off, so you'll be doing yourself a favour by not making it even harder than it already will be
Even without getting to the point of being underweight, your ed is destroying your health. The longer you put off recovery, the more likely you are of developing other conditions that might show up way later, even after recovery.
Read the one above again, and really take it in.
I don't say it just to be like oohh think of your healthhh because your ed doesn't care about that, but it happens so often!! People who had an ed in their youth and recovered, often still develop issues with their metabolism and gut health later. So many have poo or teeth troubles and it's so not sexy and usually expensive and painful.
Just to really make sure you got it: you don't need to be underweight to start fucking up your health and life with an ed.
Becoming underweight won't solve whatever problem your ed is trying to fix.
You will be so tired and joyless and a pain to be around, you won't even wanna do your favourite things. At my worst I stopped doing all my hobbies, I even stopped singing because I was just so tired all the time. I just lied in bed all day and waited for my next food ritual to begin. You won't be any different.
If you let it get worse, your friends and family will be completely unable to understand you, and you will be the most lonely and miserable being on earth. No amount of love that people will try to show you will fix it and you'll feel like the biggest disappointment and burden.
Your ed will slowly take away every single thing from you and you will not notice because you keep thinking "it's not gonna happen to me tho, I'm not like those who are actually for real sick"
Recovery will be easier, cheaper, more effective, and in general more fun when you dont have to go through weight restoration. When you're already at a healthy weight, you don't even have to gain weight in order to recover (which is obviously horrifying and makes successful recovery so much harder)
Life without an ed is just infinitely better, I can vouch for that as someone who went through it. Recovery is worth the discomfort, because once you fix whatever is causing your ed, you get to become the person you actually wanted to be, instead of becoming a slave to your ed.
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alone, desire, midnight, secret
alabastrine, ebonyeyes, bananaberry, coereba, macaron (dont need to do all if you dont want!)
under the cut..it got long again :) i wrote a whole essay, this is probably going to take you like twenty minutes to read im so sorry
alone ;
Bananaberry - She's used to being alone, and often needs alone time to cool down, not often getting lonely. If she feels like she is, she seeks out Coereba [or, when she didn't have Reba, she would go to May, and May would go to her as well] She's not very different when she's alone, other than "trying" a little less in her presentation of self.
Coereba - They get very withdrawn when they're lonely, like isolating themself is going to make it any better. Bananaberry often fails to notice this, so they try and tell her when they can. Reba knows she won't judge them, but it's hard to shake years of being disregarded by their family. They did feel alone for a lot of their life, as their family mostly ignored them and their needs. They're the same when they're alone.
Alabastrine - Also goes to her partner when she feels lonely, which isn't very often. When she didn't have one she'd head to the bar. A lot of her childhood was spent entirely alone, emotionally if not fully physically alone, so she has a hard time even recognising the feeling for what it is. He's a lot more relaxed when not around other most other dragons, and tends to let himself go even more than he does when he drinks.
Ebonyeyes - Oh boy, yeah. She's been alone physically and emotionally more times than she could count. Her upbringing on the NightWing island had her left out quite a bit, and she never really minded it. She's never been clingy to one person, so Ebony tends to just hang out in the nearest village until she's feeling better. She's much calmer when she's alone, as it gives her time to destress :)
Macaron - They surround themself with other dragons, and have never really felt monumentally lonely besides a few occasions when they felt left out- being a needy little dragonet at the time. They're really bad at dealing with it, and cry into pillows whenever it happens. [They also cry into pillows for different reasons] Macaron's a lot less bubbly when they're without others, dropping their leader facade and just kind of...letting themself lose their mind a little.
desire ;
Bananaberry - She wants to feel whole :) she never really has, even with Reba there's something missing in herself. She doesn't really express that feeling very much with anyone, but May has a suspicion [he feels the same way sometimes]. I'm not sure what she'd do to achieve that, since it's not exactly a material goal.
Coereba - Oh, how they won't admit it to anyone, but they want to be human again. Or at least to forget they were ever human. They'd never tell Bananaberry on account of not wanting to hurt her feelings, even though she wouldn't be hurt. They'd do a lot of things to turn themself back; mass murder is probably the cap where they'd stop.
Alabastrine - Burning desire to rule, as much as he tells himself it's desire to keep his tribe and mother safe from his grandmother. As you can probably conclude...not very open. Won't even admit it to himself. He's already leading a revolution against the queen, so I'd say he'd go pretty far.
Ebonyeyes - She desperately wants to be appreciated. Even in her role as a teacher, she never felt like anyone truly wanted or needed her skills. She's quiet about it, like most of her other emotions, but sometimes it slips out in the way she talks if you know her well. I don't think she would be very up to doing anything that involved hurting others, but everything else is fair game.
Macaron - All they want is for their tribe, most especially their family, to be free. They're very open with advocating about this- er, not so much around the HiveWings, but otherwise very much! They'd kill for it, will and have, depending on where they are in their timeline.
1/2 because it got. too long
#hound.txt#wow hope you enjoyed the hour of reading !!!! i had fun#oc; bananaberry#oc; alabastrine#oc; macaron#oc; ebonyeyes
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For some reason i got evil Pohatu on my mind. Not the same one as the au i wrote once of him getting shadow leech'd, this a pre-canister Pohatu being welcomed in the brotherhood of makuta and possibly getting mildly brainwashed by Teridax via being given purpose and praise and goals and so on for roughly 100 thousand years
Pre-canister Pohatu is lonely and alone and sort of bitter and if hes already got his terrible sense of self-worth it might be even worse. I think if he found out earlier that they were going to desert the av-matoran (who so far have been his only purpose and perhaps the source of most of his sense of belonging and not being useless) to go in the codrex he might have flipped off tahu and kopaka and tried to use his mask to evacuate karda nui in time completely abandoning the rest of the mata. I can see him figuring those two are hiding something, cornering one of them (probably Kopaka) to have the whole thing explained to him, getting really mad, assuming the others are also in the know and this was kept specifically from him, and telling them to fuck off with their coward pods if they so wanted because he was going to save the matoran, you know, the thing he was built for. Cue him doing his best and probably failing at least in part, thus stumbling depressedly into the makuta afterwards and being taken in bc holy shit one of the toa mata??? Youre like one of the most important beings to the safety of the entire universe we need to make sure you dont die out there on your own considering your obvious tendency towards recklessness
Teridax isnt evil yet but it is still in his nature to scheme and make plans so hes like, im gonna make sure the toa likes me the best out of everybody here just in case something goes awry. You never know. And so Pohatu gets positive reinforcement and praise and generally being considered good and useful and in no time hes latched onto Teridax's side like a baby holding his moms hand hard enough to break her bones bc hes afraid of losing her while at the supermarket. He needs that positive attention like hes going to die, especially since he has no duty currently so hes feeling even more useless than ever. Teridax at first accidentally (purposefully when he starts thinking of The Plan) completely rewires his whole brain into being dependent from him so when he overthrows Miserix Pohatu just follows along seeing absolutely nothing wrong with his scheme.
Nobody outside of the brotherhood knows Pohatu is there bc on one hand, mask of speed makes him hard to track down/catch/see in general, and also Teridax is very adamant in keeping him stashed away for a rainy day because he is essentially one of the most secret weapons he has. Like, thats a whole ass toa mata at his disposal. Not just that, hes completely loyal to him AND has been marinating a grudge against his siblings for like 100 thousand years. AND - most importantly - hes inconspicuous. In the past thousands of years hes spent dragging the toa of stone around Teridax found out that beyond the power and the bitterness he is also naturally just soooo friendly. So personable. You can trust this motherfucker with any secret ever. He has told him so many tiny secrets that he KNOWS Pohatu has never spoken about or even written down that he could give him a whole powerpoint presentation of The Plan and have absolutely no fear whatsoever of anybody ever hearing from it. Hes the perfect double agent because when hes nice, 99% of the time he genuinely means it, and he is so earnest and convinced that hes doing the right thing that even Axonn wouldnt fucking figure him out. MAYBE the order of mata nui is aware of the fact that hes with the makuta at first, before the problem with the barraki, but they could lose track of him.
As soon as the other mata wash ashore on the island of mata nui Teridax sends in Pohatu to further his plan and thats when he realizes oh, im the only motherfucker who knows Anything. I need to play dumb. So he pretends to also have amnesia and plays out some kind of mildly stupid but affable toa of stone routine with all his siblings whom he has a very distorted hateful image of due to last seeing them One Hundred Thousand Years Prior and spending at least 80 of those soaked in Teridax's propaganda, and hes doing his absolute best not to sabotage them completely every chance he gets because Teridax needs them for the plan. He has a grudge against the Turaga as well for obvious reasons (you put my incredibly unhealthy parental figure boss in a rock and stole his matoran and reign you fucking whores) but not against the Matoran bc they couldn't really do much about it all after all. He and Akhmou have a genuinely sweet relationship based on "youre the only motherfucker who gets me and has also been massively manipulated by makuta" and he probably is also incredibly fond of Takua, which becomes a problem when he turns out to be the toa of light bc That's Bad For The Plan but also My Little Brother ;;
I don't know if hed manage to still reconnect with the mata properly as he gets to know them better (thus trying to sway them in Teridax's favor bc he loves them and he loves him and he doesnt want to lose either) or if hed be too fixated on his past bitterness to see through it, but also I don't think he'd kill. Hes still a toa and while he might be more desensitized to doing crueler things like encasing the piraka completely in rock to make them into statues, kinda like kopaka does when freezing someone, i still dont think hed be able to go for more outright deadly methods. Anyways yeah, take all this
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I hate myself
someone help lol
I wish I could stop doing this shit to myself
I know this sounds more human than most my posts
maybe I should do this more often
just speak to the void like I'd speak to myself
I do think in the poetic lines I write
but it's not every thought
obviously
no one thinks purely in poetry
and my god dude. I am so fucking lonely
and I'm so tired of my trauma
and my chronic pain, can my bones just fucking stop?
I need a break
I need to be loved
unrequited love is the worst
dont ask why this is more tagged than normal when out of everything this is one of the last things I'd want to actually be seen a lot
I'm just talking because I have no one else to talk to
I have two friends I really talk to
and one I've been in love with since I was fucking 12
typing while dyslexic sucks. I've broken auto correct some
I wish I had a partner
but even if I did it wouldn't matter
I'd still torture myself endlessly
because I've never been good enough and I never will be
no one will ever actually choose me
no matter what I do or how hard I try
I will never be what someone wants
or if I am it's just using me until I'm no longer useful
I hate that this might be my most relatable post
and at the same time appreciate that the realness is what will make it that
but I hate we're all so traumatized that we feel people are incapable of loving us
I hate that others understand
but dude seriously how do you learn that you are capable of being loved
that you're actually not worthless and your only point is being used by people for so many different reasons
my content is so fucking inconsistent
is this what it feels like to unmask? even a little?
I feel like it should involve less joint pain lmfao
all I'm doing is laying in bed cuddling a frog stuffed animal with anime playing in the background typing out a shitty post on tumblr
just writing out my thoughts
I miss being held
I say that but I've never actually been held
I've never had someone to lay with and cuddle
I have to slow down my typing so tumblr doesnt lag which is stupid
stupid adhd
the mlm flag is so fucking pretty
I'm supposed to be asleep
I changed what anime was on so I didnt miss stuff so I could sleep
I need so much help
I have so much I need to talk to my therapist about already, it's been two days since my last session
how do I have more in 2 days than in the 2 weeks we couldn't meet
I mean its good but also what the fuck?
I miss him
I miss affection
fuck
I just
need to be held and loved
I hate life
if you read all this
why what mental illness do you have
dont forget food water and meds
any food counts even if you dont keep it down, protein shakes also count for either food or water but you can only choose one
ur still alive and that counts ❤ you did good kid
#shitpost#mlm#speaking to the void#trans#chronic illness#chronic pain#disabled#adhd#autism#2am thoughts#2am posting
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Vent
I got thrown a phone on my face so the corner of my eye hurts. I cried from the impact and the fact that my asshole of a brother threw a phone at my face. It was louder than i intended to any im sure my mother heard it but did nothing. She the one that say not to hurt each other but whenever shes not around, a match ensues and yes i hit back as well and i feel bad ang guilty, but his hits are so much worse. Those fights are usually quiet but this one, i was rather louder than i intend to and let out a rather loud noise. She was upstairs and we were down. She was yelling at me when she came home and was all angry then went up. My brother, was asking me to unlock his phone (we dont tell him for purposes) and i refused cause he wasnt doing what i asked him to (chores or common decency like take his dirty socks off the couch) so he started tapping the phone on my shoulder and it got more aggressive. I snapped and pushed the phone away and he slapped the thing on my face so I kicked him and he threw the thing on my face. I cried and whimpered louder than usual ( I usually cry alone and not around people) but he didnt give a fuck. a little while later, my mom came down and i still had tears in my eyes but she didnt give a fuck either. She just yelled at me again for how messy the house was (and i admit it was but i have cleaned already and the asshole made a new mess) and threw the fact that I was crying at my face. She said something along the lines of now your crying for me now (it was in another language) . It hurt because the assholes a mamas boy. They talk but im a bit more distant because im not used to talking to her like that. He tells her whenever i hit him and again i feel bad and im sorry but she doesnt know how hard he hits because when hes mad he doesnt stop. I have no one and i just feel lonely that way. What he did, what she said, made me cry more when they left the room and right now im crying. Im sorry, i this was personal but i really just have no one. I get that she might have been angry cause of work and just kinda took it out on me but i just dwell and think of what she said and it just hurts. Im sorry for sharing, i just needed to get this out because I know im not supposed to think of having some illness or the prospect of not waking up the next morning. Its just, she just didnt care and she didnt even care that i was crying or crying for some other reason than what she was thinking. I might delete this, I just really need to get this out. I really am sorry for those who might read this for burdening you with my personal problems but i needed someone and i have no one. Ive practically been living in this site and as sad as it is, its the only thing giving me comfort most days. Sorry. It just hurt being alone doesnt it. having no one. Is it weird that im looking for signs of a bruise just so i can gloat for some selfish reason that he hurt me and he can get punished. I always get punished and hurt for whatever fuck up he does and im just tired of it. Again sorry for this. I really desperately just needed this out
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another venting post but i just want to express in as much detail as possible about the sheer mourning i have for my friends
they arent dead, none of them are. they just moved on. we've just outgrown each other. im sure a few of them have this same feeling as me, at least to some extent.
most of these friends that i often see are online profiles. my main source of communication is through discord, and during the pandemic, my first year being inside was hellish but at the same time i cherished all those chaotic times of being in servers laughing my ass off at the stupidest shit ever. granted, we were all lonely, trapped in isolation. of course we would cling to each other more in an communal online space.
an important detail about this though is that shortly after lockdown was initiated, my parents pulled me out of public school and put me in homeschooling. that was the beginning of my downfall.
as time passed and everyone was returning to attending school in person, i was still stuck in my same routine of always being online. it was a hellish cycle that soon became. at first it wasnt all that bad since i still had so many friends to keep up and rely on. but in my last year of isolation, the course of growing up and out had taken its toll. so many people were forgotten as i came and went. not to mention that the closest friendgroup i had been with ended up forgetting about me too, as i had to leave it due to being left out of things too many times.
and ever since then ive barely been able to heal from that intense loneliness. ive met my girlfriend which has been an absolute blessing and i now have one of the closest friend ive had ever but. i cant help but still mourn that feeling of being surrounded by people who cared about me like i cared about them.
i deeply miss it. i dont know whats happening to me but it feels like i cant make friends anymore. i dont know if its because of the social isolation, general smaller than average range of people since my school is a smaller charter one or just the general process of growing and maturing. but every time i seem like i can enter a promising friendgroup i end up leaving for whatever reason. its mostly because i realize i cant stand those people or they still forget about me even if it feels like ive made a good impression.
i cant help but feel guilty for wanting more. after all, my friend and my lover are all i need right? but then again humans are social creatures. everyone has a group they can fall back to. so why not me? what happened to me? who do i blame?
it feels so...i guess, bittering when i see or hear about either of the two most important people in my life mention about their friends. i want to join in so badly. i really do. but i know the pattern. i know ill leave. i dont know if ill ever fit into a group. i dont know if this is okay and i should move on and make peace or continue trying.
ive been trying to numb about this for a while now. but the pain resurfaced recently. it was a realization. a realization that this one group of people that ive been hanging out with consistently doesnt care about me. i always have to butt myself in so i can be acknowledged. even then, they still ignore me so many times.
my chest is starting to hurt so much whiel writing this because im now realizing how lonely i am. im surrounded by people but almost no one sees me. i want to share my ideas and experiences so badly. no one wants to hear me. i feel so selfish for wanting more than i already have.
the reason why i started writing this was because of a particular friend i had since the early days of middle school. we clicked after the first few anxious weeks of school. while we didnt have any classes together we still found each other whenever we could. we had our cringy anime phases together. we comforted each other. we fantasized about living in a giant mansion in the middle of the woods with other friends with our other friends, making our food, tending to our house, healing.
ever since i left that friend group that forgot about me it seemed like even she forgot about me too. the process of realizing that was slow and almost painless, but every time i realize every day we are fading and straying away from each other more and more to the point ive now accepted that i probably wouldn't want to talk to her even as much as i want to relive those conversations we had in the past.
we were the awkward, emo, queer kids. shes moved on. shes almost unrecognizable now. im not even mad im just...stunned that my memory of her doesnt match her current self. that realization hurts, that im living in the past while everyone is moving on in the present.
"used to be one of the rotten ones and i liked you for that/now you're all gone got your makeup on and you're not coming back" is a lyric by social broken scene in a song called "anthems for a seventeen year old girl"
she has her make up on and she is not coming back. im still rotting. i feel so lonely and i dont think this can ever be numbed.
#vent#loneliness#social broken scene#yeule cover#i need to stop scrolling back on old discord messages#even a boy i used to mourn over because he suddenly blocked me is on the back burner of my mind#we barely talked and i used to have dreams about him#i guess i just needed closure
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Right now i feel inspired. To create, to take over the world. Where i dont know what life will bring, where it will take me, but i just want to create. I want to fall in love with painting. I want thick and squeezing and hands into something. Tomorrow i hope to hashem that ill have the same desire to paint and love life.
Hashem this year, i want to remember that you are with me. Because im human and i forget sometimes. Friends are important so that we never feel alone.
Sometimes people come to me for advice and all i can do is tell them that they aren't alone, because im there to help or just be with them. And
I feel like its different when ur with other people and when ur with me. I dont know exactly what it is. Maybe its a different sparkle in your eye. You look like youre happy. I just see something different in you. Like you just look at me and i melt. When you told me you wanted to make those three to ten kids with me. When you told me i couldve come in pajamas. When you didnt care that my breathe smelt like garlic. When you told me that im beautiful inside and out. I see a different light in you. The way you look in my eyes. The way you smile while looking at me. The way holding you just feels like the ocean. I love making you breathe deeply or when you give me a hard time. Or when someone said i had a boney butt, but you said u like my butt. I like it when u said ur smiling and laughing so hard your face hurts. When we're with others its ok. But when we're together, i see something different. I see a twinkle. I see how beautiful u are. You are such a beautiful man.
I want a husband who is so inlove with me. Who is so grateful im in his life. Who needs to be around me. Who will check with me before physical stuff. Who accepts me for everythibg i am and everything im not. Who pushed me to be better. Who can communicate and is positive and happy. Who loves me when hes happy, not when hes sad or lonely.
After a while of not being happy, but for no good reason, and then not being happy for all the reasons, i finally feel happy. And it doesnt have to do with any kind of situation differnce. Teachers are still annoying, friends share my secrets. But i stopped caring. I just call them a pineapple and keep going. They want to be upset, let them, they want to give me stumbling blocks, ill be okay. I just want to enjoy each and every day that i have.
He texted me that im really nice and cute and I'm a good person but I'm not for him. That's ok. Maybe we'll be friends instead. It was a nice run. It's my dating for purim time. I was hopeful and i kind of treat people like we're already friends. Ahhh maybe he wants to have sex with someone. Thats cool. Its not me, but its cool. We can go to being friends. It was all fake. The wanting to be closer, the compliments, all of it. Everything he said was a lie. And im still me. Im still ok. Im pissed. Im frustrated. I saw more than maybe there was. Maybe we dont vibe. Maybe he likes eli.
Ok. We kind of broke it off today. I dont let people see me sweat. I dont act emotional. I kind of just use my brain. I need to heal myself. That isnt his responsibility to do. Now, with myself i can be emotional. I need to heal myself. It was three weeks, but it was a good three weeks.
I need to just go through my feelings. I kind of just clam up. Like i wont let them see me sweat. And thats ok. I love myself. Im proud of myself. I appreciate myself. I am inoove with myself and i just need to show myself love.
I was this day old when i had a relationship where i was fully me. I was comunicative. I
Me getting angry at you, it means i cared. See, i dont care enough about anybody and thats not always a good thing. It feels sometimes like nothing hurts me when u dont let people inside. I dont plan on anyone staying, i dont plan on people sticking by their words or actions. People get to do whatever they want. They can choose me, or wont. Ill still be here thinking i deserve the world. My worth doesnt corespobd to being chosen. Is a flower not as beautiful because no one picked it. Dalya, you are a flower no one paid attention to. The right person will pick u but people who aren't right will spend a few weeks with you anf understand that they aren't the right ones.
Im having trouble with this life. I want to b ok.
I want a guy who will just be good to me. Someone who loves me and accepts me no matter what. Someone who believes in hashem with all their being. Someone who stands by their word. Someone who makes me be better. Someone i can love and accept and make them better.
A young guy says to a rabbi- im having a really hard time with with davening. How can i work on it? The rabbi then asks, what do you like? The young man said i like chessed. So the rabbi says, put davening asside. Work on chessed. Everyone is shocked. The man says well how do i work on chessed? The rabbi says- start small. When you walk into a room, and a person is in the room, say hello. If a kid is in the room, say hello to the kid. If hashem is in the room, say hello to hashem
I think youre an asshole. I think if i had lower self asteem or i actually trusted u, u would b really damaging. I think guys like you are assholes. U r just grimy, and i am not grimy. A part of me is bothered that u continue on like u r decent and ur not. Youre slimy. And a part of me wishes i could tell u how slimy u r, how i wish i never knew u, how i wish u wouldnt text me again. A part of me thinks that you should just disappear into the darkness of my past. Maybe that part of me is all of me. The part of me that wants for that to disappear.
I just wanted to say thank you for creating a space where i can go out with my phone on 13 percent battery and know that ill be fine because its a space to connect with people and im barrly on my phone. Almost every event i find myself having a
I just wanting to say thank you for creating a forum where I dont need to care whether I have battery on my phone. I know that I can come to an event with my phone on 13% and be totally okay because it's about deep connections with whoever is around me, and not being on a cellphone.
Dalya
because the energy is to connect with people, not to be on my phone. Its a space where i
Things that show me im on the right path:
Shai barzilai told me that there's something wild about me and i need to let it out. That "i have it". To keep drawing alot. I said i work fast but not good, he said i work great.
When rachel keeny said that im an artist. And i was like what?! She was like you're an artist. I said im never sure that im in the right place. She said you are.
When meir says that what i did was interesting. When he says that it finds favor in his eyes. The smile and his eyes when he looks at it.
Things that give me energy:
Creating art
Volunteering with old people
I want to read book, to paint and draw and sculpt.
I started out as a star. And hashem said, do you want to go to earth for an insanely short period of time and feel every emotion that exists.
I lived, i loved, and i felt it all.
I love the look on yonatans face when hed sit and watch me draw and id look at him and he'd smile. Like watching me work gave him pleasure.
I want to learn how to draw with dry pastels Marriage will not make me happy. Having a good job will not make me happy. I could be married and be unhappy. I could be single and be unhappy. I really just want to be happy.
I was in a guest bedroom
And i remember looking in the mirror at myself and telling myself that today you are going to say everything that comes into your head. So its a memory of pointing at myself in the mirror.
The next thing is me bleeding from my face, my nose and my eyes and everything. Blood on the floor. Its sitting on the floor and knowing that im gonna live, i checked to see if i still had my legs, if i still had my arms, if all my teeth were still in my mouth.
Saying no was scary. Because the courage it takes to say know is all the energy in your body. But then if you say no amd they ignore you, you feel invisible. And the feeling of being invisible, is the worst feeling in the world. So you would rather blame yourself for not saying anything, than deal with the fact that you clumpt together all the courage in your body and it didnt do anything.
Yaakov was a gilgul of adam and thats why yaakov was the most beautiful- he wasnt born, he was created by hashem.
When yosef refuses to sleep with her. It uses the word refuse. And theres a shalaheles about the word meaning a chain linking it to somewhere else. The word is found where it talks about yaakov refusing to b comforted to believe that yosef is dead until he sees a dead body. Because yosef says, he wont give up on himself, because he believes that his father didnt give up on him yet
On this purim i am letting myself breathe. I am letting myself be slow. I am letting the feeling that ive pent up inside come out. I am crying freely and letting myself feel sad and homesick and grateful at the same time. I am healing. And this is what my healing looks like. I am going through stuff that i dont want to talk about. I have a wheel of feelings that are different all the time. I just want life to stop so i can feel. But it doesnt, so i tske it easy and try to enjoy the ride.
Im trying to convince myself that im better off without that. That I'm not missing out on anything real or worthy. Im sad now. And im far away. And i want to be back in my happy self. I just want to daven. And be who i am. I am light. I am everything good. I am perfection deep down. I have some dirt still that i got back into. But hey, i kept shabbat all year except for once. I want to be a beam of light again. I need good energy. Energy that matches who i want to be.
I think the biggest part about my trauma is that i stopped trusting ppl enough to be hut by them. I stopped showing them i was hurt. I wont let them feel like they hurt me. It doesn't mean they didnt, but it means my guard is always up. I cant let my guard down. Duh.
When i tell u ir try to convince u im not a good person, its a lie. Its a facade because i dont want u to know how good i am. So its like a mask. But actually, im so good and pure. And i dont know if the lie works. But its also a wall. If someone hurts me knowing how good i am, it hurts more than thinking i deserve it. Its easier to blame mysekf than to blsme someone else as just being an asshole.
I am the girlfriend who will call and just listen to you breathe. I will make u laugh and hold you when i can. I am the type to love with such passion and loyalty. I am such a gift. I am light. I am not like other girls. I am beautiful inside and out.
I am waiting for the one who thinks he is so lucky to have me. Who wants to spend every second of every day with me. Who answers my phonecalls. Im the girl who will stay. Who will try to gigure out how to deal with whatever. Who will have the conversations. I want everyone to love everything about me. I am the girl a guy should want to marry from first sight. He'll see me and know. Then he'll talk to me and really know. He should be the best person ever.
I realized, there's not one teacher who will talk about my hagasha that ill respect or appreciate their opinion.
אנחנו בשנה ג. אז היו לי הגשות שהרגיש טוב, והיו הגשות שפגע בי אישית שהייתי צריכה להרגע אחר כך כי לא ציפיתי. עכשיו הגעתי למקום שאני מרוצה, ואני צריכים להגיד את הדעות שלכם בתור מרצים, וחצי מכם לא תאהובו את מה שעשיתי לא משנה מה, רק בגלל שזאת אני. ואני אומרת לעצמי שזה משקף אתכם, לא אני. ואני לא מצפה לדברים טובים.
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how much longer do i have to atone? what did i do that was so bad that i cannot allow myself to die, even though i beseech of that very thing. there's no single reason for me to continue on when i will either inflict hurt or be hurt. ive always felt like with each and every person i converse with, i will never talk with them beyond the surface level. i cant connect with anyone, i simply cannot. i dont know how to be charismatic, how to end the silence, and why silence feels like my burden. ill explain more in another post, later. yesterday i was put in a situation where i became harshly aware of this, depsite having always known. ive always known, and some days i am more aware of it than others. i know its been weird because im apathetic as of late, and cant really think properly. but when you said that it was awkward being there with me, i couldn't help but feel worried. i know ive been cruel to you for a little, but its only because you hurt first. but it was selfish of me not to see through that, but even still why should i act like i care. do i even really? who's to say? but i was nevertheless worried, because even though i knew i'd take my life, i thought by some chance, that someday, you'd save me. that maybe my love for you, and the interchangable sum, could be wonderful enough to save me from this dream of dying ive had. but it was foolish to even think that when we could never connect in the first place. those nights where i looked at your pictures to ease me into sleep was just time spent on useless acts of greed. how could i ever hope for our bodies to exchange warmth when you could never even feel like i was a wonderful enough person; im not lovely, i will not be someone you could ever even want to be around. i know of you, but i dont know you. neither do you know of me, i dont think im a very vulnerable person because maybe ive always just been like that. i know of you, the promise of death. and though i vow to this promise, i sometimes stray away, i sometimes have love to give, i sometimes think about a life worth living. but when i think of these thoughts, i realize that i cannot have that because i have to atone for something with no reason as to why. i mustve done something so bad that i will never have any sense of normality in my life. i thought that i could, but truth be told, i will not be the person to save you, nor will you be the person to save me. our friendship has already seen a decline, and im sure it will soon be no more. my life is different from yours, because you loosing me will not feel like a loss. you have others to make up for it, people who wont make you feel lonely, places to run to. i have nothing, and so loosing you will be a cold loss. as i navigate these feelings, i will fluctuate between not caring, and caring enough so that it is reminiscent of a heartbreak between lovers. we are not lovers, even though i wish that we could be. i will still wish even in the times i am swarmed by a brigade of untidy loneliness. i thought that loving someone and forgoing everything else is all i need, that if i dont murder myself, i can move 2,000 miles to where you live. we'd finally see the same stars at the same time, not even in different time zones. i can see your face, instead of it just being plastered to my screen. i can touch you, all the while you touch me. im greedy and selfish and there's nothing of me i can give to you, i cant provide you anything, because it just doesnt happen that way. someone with such an idle personality should have no hope, no hope that someone like you, with the beautiful hair, could ever save me
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i don't feel good. i feel little. words are hard to find and i want to talk to someone but its late and no one is awake and i dont really have anything to say.
i feel bad for myself. like, not really the myself of the now, she doesn't need my pity, but like my small self. and maybe that is the myself of the now. at least, that's what it feels like.
this year its gotten progressively harder to remind myself that my parents love me. i know they do. they do, right? but like my dad never visits and my mom doesn't text anymore and no one knows my interests or my hobbies or what im doing in school and it just feels so lonely sometimes.
most of the time i feel normal. grown. i have my own apartment and my own money and my own life. but sometimes my car breaks down or an assignment makes me cry or i look at my bank account and i just want an adult that i can call and say "i feel sad, please help" and actually get help.
i don't feel good. i feel sick-sad, where my stomach is all twisty and my hands feel like they're buzzing and i keep rubbing my cheek on my stuffed animal just to feel its softness. i feel scared. i feel alone.
it makes me feel insane sometimes, this distance between my parents and i. it makes me feel desperate, crazy for seeking out this parental relationship with any adult that comes into my life.
my friend's mom sent me a starbucks giftcard. i cried. a different friend's mom bought me a crockpot because my friend told her ive been struggling cooking meals for myself. a different friends mom offered to buy me groceries because i was worried i wouldn't be able to afford them. each of them have had more one-on-one, genuine conversations with me than i've had with my parents in the last few years. i feel sick. i went to my professor's house and he watched me accidentally burn 2 marshmallows in a row and said "do you want me to make you one?" and i literally could've cried then and there. i went on a date with a girl who talked about how she loves her mom so much and knows she's her number one supporter. she asked me about my relationship with my parents and i didn't even wanna say it. i feel insane.
i feel pitiful, but i just wanna be taken care of for a bit. just wanna lay down on the couch with my head in someones lap and not have to worry about taking care of myself for a minute. it doesn't seem so much to ask but im wondering if it really is. if im too much.
when i get like this, sometimes i get a thought like "i miss my dad" or "i miss my mom" but then i see them and it doesn't make the ache go away. i don't miss them, i miss something i don't think ive had in a long time (maybe ever) and its devastating because i don't know if i'll ever get it. i passed the age where i can sit in my mom's lap and cry because i got a hole in my favorite socks, or where i can call my dad and ask him what i should have for dinner because i can't make a decision right now. i feel so old and so young and so sad.
thanksgiving is coming up and im looking forward to it for the food and the company but like. i can't even be myself around my family half the time, not because they would disapprove (some of them would) but because they don't care. it's always "how are your grades? still in your major? where do you live now?" and not like "so what've you been up to? done anything fun? how are you? what do you like to do?" because in their mind, they don't need to ask those questions, they think they already know. they think im still the quiet, book-nerd, shy girl in the back of the class. which, part of me still is, but i like other things now. im another person now.
every year i get asked what i want for christmas and every year im happy with what i get. im not hard to shop for, i don't think, but especially these past years ive realized that like... no one knows what i want because they don't know what i like. part of that is because im intensely insecure about my interests and part of it because i have a reason to be - id get made fun of and there's certain things i just really don't wanna hear shit about.
so this year i sucked it up and made a christmas list. an actual one, with stuff i like on there, even if my family doesn't understand it or know the tv show references or why i want so many stickers. i made a big list of everything ive secretly been wanting, ranging from like $1 stickers to like $40 sweaters. it was oddly scary for me. it still is. i don't know if anyone will get me anything off that list, but if they do, im scared for the reaction, just a bit. i don't wanna open something on christmas and get "yeah, so what is that? i don't get it" or "that sounds gay" when i explain it, or "okay..." when they're disinterested.
i know its a little silly but i don't really care. im sad. my head hurts. its late but im not tired and i just want a hug. i wanna rock back and forth and hold my weighted dinosaur and chew on his horns. im so done with this
12:16am
11/14/23
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