🌹🌹🌹 Any new updates or snippets from the Pavlovian you want to share?

Here you go friend:

Amateurs, Jamie thought to himself as the defense crowded Kent. Never let Kent feint left. You got to take out his dominant leg while he's on the inside.

Kent reared back his leg like a battering ram.

He barely tapped the ball.

The goalie was too fast on the draw. He sailed through the air, and the ball rolled smoothly into the net over the patch of grass where he'd just stood.

The crowd at Wembley screamed.

Jamie lurched forward with an ecstatic, “Yes!”

He didn't mean to.

Remembered where he was too late, didn't he?

Mum was always on him for getting too distracted. Because he wasn't on actually on the pitch, was he? He wasn't part of the celebrating crowd as it chanted, 'He's here, he's there, he's every-fucking-where.' Jamie Tartt wasn't anywhere; Jamie Tartt was at his dad's flat in Manchester, and his dad and his dad's mates were crowded around drinking cheap beer, and they were all wearing sky blue, and Jamie's skin prickled under the sudden chill in the air.

He fucked up bad. He fucked up bad.

THIRD TIMES THE CHARMS BABY!

(Nerika HC, multiverse version)

(I am so sorry for the wall of text down below)

No driver license, would definitely be a passenger princess, you don’t wanna be in the same vehicle if she behind the wheel (tried to teach Goldie how drive once)

Inari often saves Nerika’s ass from trouble

Inari hates grocery shopping

Randomly drops off food & supplies to Inari & Ian

They sometimes all train together (except for Goldie his emotional support or something)

Paints Goldie’s claws, does experimental makeup on him

G:How i do look

N:Like you have a husband to leave

G: …. (Huh?!?—)

G: i don’t have husband…

N: well not anymore you do! Now quit moving before i poke your eyes out

(Yes i know he’s not gay or feels attraction in this au, this meant as a joke)

Is cursed to randomly find Goldie’s fur in her house

Attempted to make ice cream from snow after watching a video about it

Strong immune system

Try to kick Henry in the balls and break into his house once

I'm not sure if you stated that Goldie goes outside in his world but l'll imagine, Nerika and him like to catch anything they can get their hands on (small rodents, snails, fish, bugs, frogs, snakes, birds- just anything)

+sometimes Inari requests stuff for them to catch or join them along

Gifted goldie a device so they can communicate when not in proximity

Gave Goldie the sex talk just for his reaction

Teaches Goldie how to do stunts (front-flip, backflip, cartwheel yada yada) got frustrated when he kept using his powers to cheat

She Threw Goldie’s head like a basketball one time

She has strong dislike for big bright lights

Goldie smokes along side her to feel included

deep down she worries for Goldie, seeing how he’s old tech that doesn’t get much maintenance

Robs from large companies (her favorite one is walmart)

She Steals mike’s stories to read and critique later

She bonks people with any item she has in her hand

She likes Halloween in Goldie’s universe, gives her a chance to get free candy and be social acceptable (free candy is free candy) + she drags her friends along for the night

While she won’t admit it upfront (at least when she decently sober) coming in contact with golden is probably one of the greatest things to happen in her life.

G & N perform together, maybe just in the confines of her house but still nice bonding experience

Force Goldie to shower cuz someone dump chemicals on him during a show one time

N & G hold one another for long periods of time brings comfort & security

Nerika probably attempted to piggyback on Goldie when he floating at some point

(I will come back when i have more ideas…)

Oh my god a lot of these are so wholesome im about to cry-

1-Canon!!! This MF can’t drive for shit, while she did canonically drive in her AU, she crashed the car after a few minutes.

2-Canon!! (That’s literally how they met!)

3-Canon!! Inari hates being in public.

4-incorrect, they all manage to get it on their own

5-Canon!! And they all criticize Nerika :-)

6-Canon!! They paint their nails to match!

7-Canon!! They now have to clean more than they did before he came…

8-Canon!!

9-Canon!!

10-First one is incorrect, but the other is Canon!!

11-Canon!!

12-Canon!! And she probably video calls him in the middle of a fight (even in his own universe he has to see blood…)

13-Canon!! Nerika likes making people uncomfortable

14-Canon!! She doesn’t like it when goldie uses his powers to escape/cheat something, because she wants him to learn how to do stuff without them.

15-CANON!!! and she encourages others to do the same!

16-Canon!! It hurts her eyes :-(

17-Canon!! Most likely pressure him the first time.

18-Canon!! So she often takes him to some random techie she frequents

19-Canon!! Who’s gonna stop her?

20-Canon!! She stole freddy’s book as well :-)

21-Canon!! She mostly does it to goldie or Ian

22-Canon!!

23-Canon!! Because now she has not only someone she can always have around, but also someone who can bring her joy <:-)

24-Canon!! She forces him to sing metal to test his fry scream

25-Canon!! He stinks also, she was gonna force him regardless

26-Canon!! (Im gonna cry-)

27-Canon!! She fell off and broke her leg.

(Come back soon…)

YOU ARE NOT IMMUNE TO MANIPULATION

You are not immune to manipulation, and the sooner you accept that, the better! Believing that you are immune to manipulation makes you easier to manipulate because you don't see it coming and there's now shame attached to admitting that possibility!

People who get manipulated are not stupid or foolish - they are victims! I cannot stress this enough! If you have been manipulated, it does not mean you are or were stupid, it means that you are HUMAN. We are social creatures, wired in such a way that our wants and needs can be (and often are!) turned against us!

And even if only "stupid" people were getting manipulated? They still wouldn't deserve it! The idea that they would reeks of ableism! Plus, if you take a label and say that anyone it's attached to deserves bad things, it'll only be a matter of time before the people in power slap that label on you! Yes, you!

It's the same reason why we need to not be calling for pedophiles to be murdered - because now conservatives are labeling queer people as groomers, knowing that it'll pull that emotional hair-trigger just about everybody across all political spectrums has developed!

That aside. Terfs will play nice. Cults will play nice. MLMs will play nice. People trying to take advantage of you will play nice. And you may think you'll always be able to see through it. Maybe you really are pretty good at spotting it, and that's great! But you are not immune, and your experience is not universal.

You want to know who these kinds of people prey on? The most vulnerable of us. The outcasts, the poor, the uneducated, the desperate, the isolated, the people with nowhere left to run and nobody left to turn to. So maybe get off your high horse about how you'd never fall for such an obvious trap and lend a helping hand to those that need it the most. Because if you don't, they will - and the debt that vulnerable people will incur from that 'help' will haunt them.

You wanna know how I know this?

I was born and raised in a cult.

I didn't break free because I was smart or special or a better person than anyone else in the cult - I broke free because the cult has been weakening, and the timing of their loosening grip lined up with the pandemic, my values, my wants, and believe it or not, my fucking autism, and I got lucky. Very, very lucky.

I wasn't stupid, either. I didn't fall for the cult, I was manipulated into it as a child because of undue influence. I had no other choice. I was a vulnerable person. Had I had support and space to question things, had I been better educated on manipulation tactics, had I not been dependent on my parents for literally everything, I might've escaped sooner. I might've gotten to experience childhood and adolescence as a boy, as myself.

Do you understand what I'm saying? We have got to stick together. We have got to stick together. We have got to stick together. Either we stick together, and fight together, and protect each other - especially the vulnerable people - or the people who want to use us will divide and conquer.

Those people will get their barbed hooks into our community and it's going to be painful and difficult to get them out. They will target our family, every marginalized and downtrodden person, and when they're gone, we won't have enough left to fight anymore. Do you understand? Do you get it? That's how they get us. That's how it's happened before, and it's happening again.

Please. Please listen to this. I am begging you, do not leave the vulnerable behind. Do not leave them behind. Do not leave us behind. Don't let them divide us.

Please.

hii! i hope ur doing well! idk if u have gotten other asks ive sent or not but i was wondering where u went… u havent really posted writing or even fandom stuff period lol

i just want to clarify that this is like…the fourth or fifth message i have gotten, seemingly from the same anon due to typing styles and general content. i’ve been steadfastly ignoring them for a bit because it’s no skin off my nose but i’m honestly tired. so i’m sorry if i come off as unnecessarily mean during this but i cannot overstate the fact i’ve been ignoring this for a while.

i’m still blogging. i haven’t left or gone anywhere. yeah, i haven’t really posted writing, because i’ve been busy. because i’m a grown adult who does other things in my life. and i have posted fandom stuff - i am not immune to gifsets, fanart and jokes about media i like. but i am deciding to cease participating in fandom spaces because it’s not really for me any more. i want to focus more on my original writing and am not in a point where i can give a hobby and something i want to turn into a career the same level of attention.

and i know this anon probably means a Certain Fandom, as i’ve only been active in one the past few years. i’ve not felt the need to make some big announcement of a fandom flounce at my big age but i also don’t feel as if i have any particular place i fit in in the metalocalypse fandom any more. i’m glad for the great friends i made during my time participating in that, and i also met my current partner through the fandom and that’s given me a lot of nice opportunities in life too. so yay me.

however, if i may allow myself a certain degree of flounce since i’ve been pestered into sharing this information by somebody who seems to have had a bi-weekly alarm on their phone about sending me passive aggressive anons: i’m not particularly keen on a fandom space that, outside of an immediate circle of friends, has been an absolute minefield of social interaction. between watching drama and outright harassment my friends have dealt with and the issues i have faced myself (harassment to the point of changing certain social media accounts, having my locked twitter account put on blast by somebody upset i blocked people not in my immediate social circle so i wouldn’t deal with awkward follow requests, somebody in my dms threatening suicide over his traced ship art for months at a time, getting vagued constantly and associated with actual abusive people and/or practices because i liked a character with four minutes of screentime AND OTHER INCIDENTS)…i realized that was a lot of emotions for a cartoon. especially a cartoon ive liked for a long time, since it started airing, and it’s a cartoon i would like to continue liking.

so i honestly don’t know what else this anon would want from me. i’ve already lost a few followers from my drop in fandom related activity, which i’m fine with, so if another person or multiple people would like to unfollow after this that’s fine too! it’s just tumblr, babes! curate your dash as you see fit! just don’t randomly pester people about a lack of content that was barely supported when it was being made, by a person who was constantly getting shit on by randoms because of said content while posting it :)

Random OC stuff of the day #3: New OC! Enter Crimson Starius! And some backstory!

So, I missed two days. This is supposed to be a daily thing. But it was my sister’s birthday on the 20th, and we celebrated it until halfway through the 21st, so I was dead tired. I’ll try to post two oc stuff in one day at some point to recover lost time, but i am excusing myself once bc it was my sister’s birthday lol. Have a BIG post to make up for this? Its pretty late but i got forced to cook not my fault

Anyways, new OC! I know it’s really soon but oh well fkrlgkrjejjrjd

I suddenly got the idea (for what he looks like, Violet having a brother has been in the back of my mind for a while even before her redesign) while doodling stuff, and so I made a quick scribble of him before actually drawing him at school. Surprisingly enough, I was able to start and finish him. Here is Crimson!

Crimson is an 11 year old kid, the younger brother of Violet! The “Sun” to Violet’s “Moon”!

A charismatic, chaotic, fun and bold kid that wants to enjoy himself and make some friends. He’s quite clever, cunning, funny, and is perceptive and likes to share with people. Also very creative and a bit crazy, he’s interesting to be around.

Although he tries not to show it, he’s also pretty emotional, and he’s a bit self conscious of what others think, wanting some attention. Despite this, he’s still a fun, nice and sweet kid who makes mistakes at times. Can be read as selfish, but it’s usually by accident and he’ll do something to make up for it. Shy around new people but that doesnt last long

Somewhat hyperactive and struggles to sit still, and gets bored easily, but he’s really good at being entertaining and enjoyable. He’ll try crazy ideas even if he’s been told it wont end well, and he’s relatively confident in himself, but still wants some validation. He’ll invite a friend to whatever he’s doing, as he wants to make sure they’re enjoying themself too. More relaxed, and kinda goofy.

He draws pretty well for his age (Certainly better than I did LOL), learning how to draw with Violet’s help. A good leader, and smart for his age, notable when he’s around other kids. Relatively mature and knows the most unexpected things (He and Violet share weird fun facts with each other. Sometimes, my irl brother will tell me something he shouldn’t have learned until high school. He’s a great kid, but he scares me sometimes…)

Since he’s so young, he doesn’t really fight (thank goodness although he’s weirdly strong for his age and tall…), but he likes playing with fire, and unfortunately Violet can’t really discourage him due to him being fire immune somehow. I guess he had to pick up some kind of weird trait from her, lol. If he had to use a weapon though, 100% would be a hammer. My IRL brother is having so much fun with the inflated comically oversized one we have.

(Hey guys, it’s Crimson IRL!)

Crimson and Violet’s sibling dynamic is pretty interesting to me. Due to how he and Violet was left on her own without parents when she was 13 (About a year and half has passed since that happened), they’re very close, sticking together no matter what happens. Sometimes they talk like friends the same age bantering with each other (No joke my brother is crazy smart 75% of the time we talk to each other like we’re twins, and he’s NINE), other times they have a younger brother-older sister dynamic, but Violet’s the one that’s been taking care of him. No idea how she manages to get through it all, but she’s the one who makes sure he’s fed, clothed, has somewhere to sleep, making sure he’s happy, helping him whenever he needs it, and is cared for. Give Violet a “sister of the year” award because MAN i couldn’t imagine managing that at 13 no less

Fortunately, eventually the two get some sort of support system (With Violet getting some friends MAYBE found family…) and they have their older (I’ll introduce her eventually but i haven’t introduced her yet. Maybe i will for lesbian visibility week though) cousin, who is sadly pretty far away and busy, but still tries to help, being the one to buy their living space and giving Violet quite a bit of money to make sure the two can live on their own without having to work or worry. Also gives her advice.

As for how they’re managing to live on their own, they’re doing fine. Because of the fact they’re on their own, they’ve adjusted their living to what fits them best. It’s not all that bad. Still stressful for Violet though

Crimson usually attends online live classes on his laptop (They both have laptops they use for personal and school reasons), and he’s actually taking advanced classes, doing quite well in school. (He still needs to pay more attention sometimes though.) Sometimes he needs help, but he knows what to do for the most part, and if not he’ll ask Violet at some point during the day.

Violet does her school work remotely, not on live classes, but that allows her to go however fast she wants to on her school courses. It also lets her manage her own schedule which is good because the only thing holding her back as a kid in school was having to follow everyone else’s schedule.

Her sleep schedule is naturally fucked up (I swear she’s like some sort of nocturnal creature lmao) and was a bit of an issue when she couldn’t get to sleep all night and got sleepy while in class. But since online courses don’t have that problem, she can sleep whenever the hell she wants! Which is why she’s usually sleeping when other kids are in school lol. Crimson is normal (ish) in the case that he wakes up at the crack of dawn, so usually around 6 AM. Violet is quite book smart. Due to her being able to do assignments wherever and whenever she wants (assuming she meets deadlines), she is zooming through highschool. I imagine the story with Frost, Pyrite and Violet would take place around the summer, so after that she’d be starting courses most people wouldn’t get to until junior year, despite only being 14 and half. 2 grades ahead basically

You’d think that one of them being awake half the time the other is asleep would cause problems, but for the most part it doesn’t. They still eat at least 2 meals a day at the same time, just that for one of them it’s breakfast and for the other its dinner lol. Usually when Violet makes her own lunch (which she has at like 12 am lmao) she’ll have a second plate made, and put it in the fridge to leave for Crimson when he’ll have his own lunch since she’ll be asleep at the time. Though Crimson is learning how to cook too, as he wants to make his own food as well, so that won’t be necessary soon!

While Violet and Crimson don’t judge each other much, they still think some of the things the other does is weird. Like Crimson sometimes goes on rambles and rants talking to himself or the wall about practically anything. It’s like he’s a chronically recording youtuber. Violet isn’t really bothered by this, she just finds it entertaining and kinda funny, and talks back if she has something to add. Crimson also tends to pace around the room a lot. He fidgets if he’s sitting in place, and gets kinda restless assuming he’s not being stimulated in some way, so usually if she sees him doing that she’ll find something for him to fidget with (He might just go find like a wrench to twist himself) but she doesnt think its weird or anything

Crimson might ask Violet a question if he sees her doing something not normal (Like using her telekinesis), but assuming she answers he’ll just take it and be like “Oh cool” and maybe ask her to participate in one of his schemes if her powers end up being useful for it. He thinks the purple markings and nails and glowy eyes is normal bc Violet is his standard for what a person should look like LOL (This is why he doesn’t ask why it’s so difficult for her to sleep like a normal person, or why she’ll manage to infodump about something for hours, or how sounds seem louder to her, or why she gets fixated on specific things, because she’s the person he knows the most, so it feels normal to him. and even if he knows otherwise he doesn’t mind)

Overall, they’re very close, and kinda learned how to socialize by talking to each other lol thats why both of them aren’t too good at talking to normal people. The two will stick together and support each other no matter what. Sometimes they have issues or bicker, but they geninuely love each other (Crimson doesn't say it as much but he ends up conveying that by his actions.) I call them the Sun and Moon duo!

Uh I don’t know what else to put here, but that’s another ramble from me that got super off topic lol. Goodnight guys, hope your day is going well, yuh

I've waffled around making this post for a very long time but I've been feeling really bad about it lately so:

Possums are not, can not, and should not be pets. These pet possums should also not be used in memes.

(Warning for general talk about animal harm/death ahead)

Many popular possum memes include very unhealthy pet possums in them, and many more include possums that may not be unhealthy yet, but very very likely will be. This is something that really bothers me! Because those possums aren't okay :(

But why can't possums be pets? They're so cute and nice! Well y'see about that, while possums are indeed more docile than other animals, they are still wild animals. They can bite and scratch and claw and all that other stuff, to your belongings, to other people, and to you.

Also, you cannot meet their needs. You cannot meet their dietary needs, you cannot meet their exercise needs, you cannot do it.

In the wild they have an incredibly varied diet. They need lots of nutrients, and any imbalance can cause a possum to become unhealthily obese. And even if the diet is corrected and the possum becomes healthy again, even a slight variation may cause the possum to become unhealthy again. This can also lead to metabolic bone disease, which basically means that the possum didn't get enough calcium and its bones are weaker and deformed. It can seriously harm the possum, and eventually kill it.

(Those cute memes with possums that are "bug eyed"/have whites in their eyes, are rounder, and have really big tails? Those possums are unhealthily overweight due to an unbalanced/incomplete diet.)

They may also pose a health risk for humans as well, especially if the possum is found in the wild. Yes, possums rarely catch rabies. Yes, possums are very clean. This does not make them immune to parasites and diseases.

Captive possums may also experience bacterial diseases, due to lack of exposure building their immunity.

Additionally, many vets are not equipped/prepared to care for possums. They're wild animals, not pets, and if a possum gets sick or injured, you may not be able to receive help for it.

Please. Wild animals cannot be kept ethically. I always see people say that tigers should not be kept as pets, or mountain lions, or zorses, any of the other many exotic animals. Possums are included on that list.

I'm also going to go one step further: please also stop supporting possum memes with unhealthy possums. Time and time again I see dangerously unhealthy possums in cute outfits or funny memes, and I get that they're cute/funny, but that possum is suffering. There are many good, cute, and funny photos of healthy, wild possums that could be used instead.

Also, sharing pictures of pet possums can lead to the idea that it's okay. I know I used to think it was okay, because I saw so many other people doing it! It normalizes the suffering of an animal (often unknowingly) just to see it in a cute costume or a funny pose.

And I want to stress that if you didn't know any of this: that's okay!!!!!! I am not talking down to anyone, or saying that anyone is a bad person, or anything like that just because they didn't know something.

I get it if you love possums. I love them too. But for the health and safety of the possum, and for your emotional and financial sake, please get a plush possum and appreciate some very cute photos of happy, healthy, wild possums.

If anyone is interested in further reading:

Broad overviews: x, x, x

Metabolic bone disease

[image id: three baby possums hanging by their tails off a thin branch. End id]

Some baby posses for reading this far, thank you very much for listening *flops over onto the ground*

I have researched the covid vaccinations and they all seem to have been tested on animals before going into a clinical trial. I am against all exploitation of animals and i simply don't feel comfortable being a part of that. However i feel shamed by my peers and they say i care about animals more than people and maybe that's true? I don't see how it's solely my responsibility to keep everyone safe when none of them are taking care of themselves. Plus to be honest I haven't been met with understanding about my choices and I haven't had the greatest view of people around me and the state of our society. Is it wrong of me to feel like it's my own personal choice?

Well, why is eating animals not a personal choice? Meat eaters bring up this particular argument all the time, and we all know the rebuttal - decions stop being just a 'personal choice' when they begin to effect other beings. In this case, your refusing the vaccine puts those around you at higher risk of infection, especially those who are immuno-compromised and cannot get the vaccine.

All the COVID vaccines have been tested on animals unfortunately, despite the fact that some of them underwent human trials before animal trials. I can completely empathise with where you are coming from on this, but even as a staunch vegan and animal rights activist, as well as someone who actively boycotts animal tested products, I have to say that refusing the vaccine on the ethical grounds is misguided.

I want to start by reminding you of the definition of veganism - avoiding animal exploitation as far as is possible and practicable. No one can reasonably be expected to risk Covid-19 to avoid animal tested medicine, or refuse treatment if they get infected. Even aside from that, you cannot reasonably avoid animal tested medication irrespective of COVID.

Almost all medicines with the exceptions of herbal remedies, are or were tested on animals and/or derived from animal ingredients. That's all painkillers, all antibiotics, every tablet you've ever been prescribed by every doctor you have ever seen, for every ailment you have ever had. Are you going to refuse all medication for the rest of your life?

Even if we could boycott all animal tested medicines, what would such a boycott achieve? I realise this is a highly emotive issue, and again I really do understand where you are coming from and why you feel this way, but try to look at it in purely rationa, ethical terms for a moment, applying a standard harm-benefit analysis.

You not getting the vaccine puts you and those around you in real, immediate danger. You could pass on the virus to someone whose immune system is compromised, which could bring about potentially cause life changing, or even life-ending symptoms. That's the harm. So what is the benefit? You not getting vaccinated in no way effects demand for vaccines, even if all vegans did it, that boycott would not work in the way it does for a commercial product, since consumer purchasing is not impacting demand.

Unfortunately it also does nothing to stop animals being tested on - meaning that there is no benefit. Except perhaps you maintaining ideological purity and avoiding the discomfort and guilt involved, which I understand - I felt uncomfortable getting vaccinated too, but I did it anyway, because I knew that it was the right thing to do. Even if you've not had a good reaction from others, is you wanting to protect those around you from harm really dependent on them being nice to you? I shouldn't think that it is.

As vegans we should be encouraging each other to get vaccinated so that we can protect those around us, as well as ensuring our community is not disproportionately effected by the pandemic. That, and campaigning against animal testing and in support of safer, more compassionate medicine, is really all we can do. Refuse the vaccine if you want to, you have that right, just don’t do so under the illusion that it will do anything to help animals or our cause.

Birdhouse: The Talks

Whumptober Day Two: Talking is Overrated. TW: dehumanisation, slavery, BBU, bad decisions in therapy.

@neuro-whump, @rosesareviolentlyread, @whumper-in-training, @mylifeisonthebookshelf

The new rescue was called Roman. Not by himself, but by whoever had taken the initiative to name their brand-new captive. He hadn’t yet told her who had give it to him, but he had assured her that he was still happy to be known by the name.

Sunita Kaur had been providing therapy to his those like him for years now, in varying capacities, and he was the newest addition to her caseload. She spent the Wednesday of her working week privately commissioned to support the residents of the Birdhouse Shelter, and with the fee its proprietor paid her, she was able to do the rest of her work completely pro bono. That was the way Avis Jacobitz worked. She paid you what she thought you were worth to her household.

Each new rescue came with new strengths and new challenges. Roman had escaped himself, which often gave them a head start, but not always. He was also in good physical condition, which made sense; the Birdhouse specialised in complex emotional needs more than physical ones. Not that any ex-pet came without their chronic pains and weak immune systems. Roman was prone to dizzy spells and took iron tablets daily.

He was sitting on the comfortable chair with his hands resting on his knees and his back straight. To be sitting on the chair in his first session was another strength. But then, not all ex-pets had been banned from furniture.

“My name is Sunita Kaur. I’m a trained practitioner of counselling for pet industry survivors.”

She didn’t miss the way Roman’s lips moved faintly to echo that term. Pet industry survivor. It was difficult to talk about those labels without reinforcing them, but she had settled on one eventually.

“That’s you, Roman. A survivor of the American organisations that attempt to brainwash and remake people.”

There was no sense of recognition in Roman’s eyes as he thought about that. He didn’t reply.

Sunita gave him a moment to think, and then offered, “How do you feel about that description?”

It’s several seconds, unmarked in their passing, before Roman ventures, “I like being called a rescue.”

“Can you tell me why?” Sunita asks, keeping all reaction clear from her expression. If she so much as twitches a nostril, an ex-pet will pick up on it.

Roman glances down shyly, smiling. “Because I was. There was a new cleaner and she called someone to help me, and now I’m here. I like thinking about her.”

Every word was delivered in the faintest whisper. Sunita was straining her ears.

“Why do you like thinking about her?”

His hands sit perfectly still on his unmoving knees. Only his expression changes. “Because she was nice. And she helped me even though she was a stranger, and I like knowing – strangers can help you.”

Sometimes she wondered at the ability of her patients to love people who had been cruel to them. Sometimes, it wasn’t even that. Sometimes, ex-pets loved people in general, through some innate hope and fortitude all their suffering had failed to tarnish.

She was going to enjoy working with Roman.

-

Florence never made eye contact. Their gaze drifted around her face and off again. They sat in the comfortable chair, leaning slightly against its side, long hair tumbling off one shoulder and an arm stretched out to show the curving line of their body in what had to be an uncomfortable position. They looked like an art piece. They played with their skirt. Sunita was used to this. Florence liked textures.

“I don’t mind,” they said. “Avis has lots of people to care for.”

Sunita nodded. It was something that Florence was already dealing with. Avis split her time with equity as her guiding principle, offering the right amount of support to everyone who needed it. Florence was used to their time with Avis waxing and waning depending on the needs of the others in the house.

‘To each according to their need’ was a powerful concept, unless one of your rescues was always desperate for attention.

Sunita hummed in acknowledgement. “So how do you feel about Roman getting lots of help?” They were the one who had brought it up, after all. There was something there.

Florence ran fingers up and down their silky turquoise skirt. Their gaze flittered across the window. “He’s funny. He acts different.”

“Different how?”

There were no birds in the sky, but Florence’s eyes moved as if there were. “He doesn’t have anyone he loves.”

-

“Of course I love them.” Kamala lifted her chin, hands folded on her lap, the picture of dignified confidence. The neat edge of her hijab was broken only by the lightning-bolt pin she had used on one side. She sat on the very edge of the chair. “The Birdhouse is like my family. We look after each other. That’s not particular to Florence. They just like spending time with me.”

Sunita nodded, showing that she was listening, but didn’t interrupt, hoping Kamala would keep going.

“It’s not wrong to give more time to someone who asks for it,” Kamala continued after a moment, smiling earnestly. “Florence is used to being the centre of attention. It makes them happy. And it makes me happy to help them.”

“We’ve touched on this before, Kamala. You derive a lot of happiness and fulfilment from what services you can offer others, how you can fill their needs. I think you know what I’d like you to think about.”

“My needs,” Kamala answered with a pretty smile. “I understand, Mrs Kaur. I took more time to myself this week, although it was hard. I reread some of the comics I got when I first came here, in my bedroom. I haven’t done that in a while.”

She spoke with perfectly believable sincerity, underlined with a hint of eager-to-please nervousness, of am I doing it right?

“That sounds positive, Kamala. How did that feel, to be spending time on yourself?”

“It’s hard, Mrs Kaur. I don’t like myself very much. But I know it’s what will help me in the long term, so I do my best. If you practice self-care, it will become second nature.”

Sunita was sure she had said those exact words to her before. “That is the goal.”

-

Tenten’s twitch was worse today, jerking his shoulder and running down his arm as he spoke. He didn’t make eye contact, but not in the way that Florence didn’t, always busy looking elsewhere. Tenten kept his eyes averted. His limbs were drawn close together, arms on his knees, as if he was unsure how to sit on something soft.

“I don’t, I don’t want-t t-to, to-to make anyone ss-sad. But I did, m-made her, upset-t, I t-t-t, t-t, I c-c-could see. She was.”

“That’s alright, Tenten. Take your time.” She kept her voice soft and soothing. “I’m not going to think any different of you. I will still be your therapist.”

Tenten made an uncertain noise, his shoulder jumping like a livewire. His foot tapped. “You, but you’re her c-c-counsellor too. I don’t want-t, I might, if I say somet-thing she didn’t want you t-to, to know.”

“I understand your concern. Remember, this is confidential. I will never use what you tell me in my sessions with the others.” She smiled kindly as his eyes flickered to her and away shyly. “But do remember that I talk to Avis before I start sessions, to make sure I’m aware of anything significant. I may already know about the conflict you’re thinking of.”

Tenten’s shoulders hunched, “C-c-con, conflict, huh?” he echoed. “What do you th-think it is?”

She made sure to smile gently. “I’d like you to tell me what happened in your own words.”

He swallowed, his throat bobbing under the maroon neckerchief he always wore. He took a breath. “Okay.”

-

“We’ve been here for forty minutes, Avis, and you still haven’t said a word about yourself.”

Avis leaned back in the armchair, frowning at the wall. “I know,” she admitted. “I know we always end up here. I start talking and it’s about how Roman’s settling in, or Florence’s new night terror, or Kamala and Tenten getting into another argument, or… Boo. Everything about Boo and their – situation. It’s just, I spend my whole life looking after those guys. Even when they’re doing something else, like Therapy Day or tutoring, there’s five of them now, so there’s always something.”

Dr Cerasale showed nothing but patient understanding. It was true, that this often formed the bulk of the sessions he held with Avis. It had been improving for a while, before she’d accepted the new rescue.

“And I know, I find fulfilment in my work, that’s not a bad thing, and some people live with different professional-personal balances. And for my kind of job, there’s not much distance between them. But…”

She stopped, still frowning at the wall.

“What is the downside of that?” he prompted her.

Dark eyes flashed his way. “Do you mean me not having any time to myself, or me seeing my son in every single one of them?”

All patients had their challenges. Avis had a unique living situation and a very unusual career path, but the underlying causes of her mindset were very normal.

“Let’s talk about guilt,” he said, and she broke eye contact.

Stoic keeper and sick girl chapter 4

Summary: (Y/n) and Lexa tell the team everything and emotions surface.

Also, COVID19 doesn’t exist in this fic!

warnings:  Talking about cancer. if this is a trigger don’t read. Everything mentioned is from my own experience as may not apply to everybody.

Talk about past trauma’s and shitty childhood.

part 1 -part 2- part 3

Waking into the dining room you noticed it was still rather empty. The only ones who were already there were Alex, Kelley at one table and Alyssa at another. Alyssa was probably the safer one to sit at. The younger ones would probably want to joke with Kelley and move around a lot, Alyssa most nights stayed at her table and was one of the most rational people on the team.

The blond keeper looked up when you neared with a nervous Lexa. You tried to reassure her with a hand on her shoulder as you let her closer to the table.

“Alyssa I like you to meet Lexa. Lexa this is one of my many good friends, Alyssa Naether. I know she looks scary but she is a big softy inside.” You introduce. Alyssa rolls her eyes at you but introduces herself to the girl. She could see that the girl was relaxed around you.

“it’s nice to meet you, Lexa.” Lexa doesn’t say anything but does give Alyssa a little nod so the keeper took that as a win.

“is it okay if the two of us sit with you? That way she can take off her facemask and eat in peace.” You ask Alyssa, who looks a bit confused at your panicked state. Normally you were far more relaxed with her.

“sure.” She said trying to reassure you with her eyes. If you were freaking out then it has to be pretty serious about what you had to tell or what was going on. The only thing she could do was support you.

“sure.” Alyssa tried to reassure you with her eyes and a kind smile.

“Thanks, Lyss, you’re the best.” You beamed the keeper with your best smile as you put Lexa’s bottle down on the table and lead Lexa toward the food.

“come on Lexa let’s go see if they're in anything you like.” you tried to stay optimistic, you knew how hard it could be to eat when everything you smelled or saw tasted disgusting. Even too today you had days you couldn’t swallow anything and had to fall back on meal replacement shakes.

Throughout the whole buffet, there was nothing Lexa seemed to fancy at the end you sighted, Lexa looked up with a small face.

“I’m sorry.” She whispered under her breath, your heart broke. It wasn’t her fault she wasn’t feeling like eating.

“hey, you don’t have to be sorry about this okay. I will talk with the trainers, normally they have some shakes for me when I don’t feel like eating. I will get you to try one-off those okay. Maybe a cola.” She shakily nods looking down at the floor. Taking her chin between two fingers you make her look up at you.

“say it to me.” Your voice is stern but comforting. You don’t want her to live in the constant fear of disappointing you. You give her an encouraging smile.

“I have nothing to be sorry about.” She told you. Not as confidently as you liked but it was a start. You lead her back to the table and tell her you will be back. Taking her sports bottle with you to fill with some cola.

Alyssa watched as you placed the little girl on the chair in front of her and reassured her that you wouldn’t be gone long. Alyssa had never seen you this tender.

Like the rest of the team, Alyssa had questions, after the end of the game. You had disappeared just after the final whistle had been blown and they had found you thirty minutes in the trainer's locker room with a little kid. When Ali and Christen had tried talking to you, you had given them some very specific orders that the girls couldn’t place. Now seeing the girl in front of her with the face mask and bandana with baseball cap those question only rang louder but they were for later.

“Hey, Lexa.” Alyssa tried to get the girls attention by calling her. Het girl looked up at the keeper with big uncertain eyes.

“Don’t you want anything to eat?” Alyssa asked pointing to her empty plate. All Lexa did was shake her head and look down at the table. Alyssa decided to drop it not wanting until you got back, it was clear you had a connection with the little girl.

 The silence in the room was broken when more of the team dripped into the dining room and when more of the younger players it even became rowdy and Lexa flinched at every harsh sound and hoped you would come back fast.

 You returned to the dining room with Lexa’s sports bottle filled with cola and one of your shakes. After doing the whole story to Vlatko he had promised to help you with the legal papers and that set up an appointment with your doctor for tomorrow and one for yourself also.

After the whole ordeal, you felled exhausted, all the emotions of the day catching up to you and all you wanted to do was crawl into bed and sleep.

Emily spotted you halfway through the room and strode toward you. Like the rest of the team, she had heard about the kid and had seen her with Alyssa. No one of the younger players dared to approach in fear of the older keeper.

“hey (Y/N) how’s the little squirt doing,” Emily asked hoping you would spill something but you weren’t int the mood to talk to anybody.

“buzz off Sonnett.” You growl not being able to contain your frustration and exhaustion. The conversation with Vlatko was a heavy one. Now the stress of getting your blood draw tomorrow was causing extra stress. You had awful veins and you dreaded it.

Emily was taken back by your tone, normally it took you a lot more to rile you up.

“wow, what got your panties in a twist?” Emily tried to lighten your mood.

The conversation between you and Sonnett had drawn the attention of the rest of the team. You could already see Ali and Ash make their way toward you.

Lexa had gotten of her chair and was running toward you, she could see how stressed you were and she wanted to help because you always helped her.

“(Y/N)!” Lexa grabbed your hand tried to give it a reassuring squeeze but because of her weakened state, it wasn’t hard and also tried to give you a reassuring smile. You didn’t know if you should laugh or cry, how could a child that had gone through all she had to be still so compassionate. Sinking through your knees make you almost eye level with her.

This caused all the veterans to immediately come running toward you while the younger players just watched. There was a small panic going around the team, you never showed emotions so openly.so I kind of freaked them out. Even though you hadn’t shed a single tear you looked exhausted.

“I’m okay Lexa. Thank you.” You whisper to the girl, looking at her gave you enough courage to scrape yourself together and lead her back to the table. When she sat down you handed her the coke and shake, which looked at sceptically but opened it when you told her it tasted like strawberries. After the sip, she takes another and another.

 When the team decided you have ignored them enough they send Ali and Ash to talk to you. Seeing as they had the best track record with you.

You could feel their eyes burning into your back and it was just a matter of time before they tried to talk to you. For the moment you just watched Lexa enjoy her shake.

“your friends are staring at us,” Lexa commented looking at you from under her cap. She looks cute with one of your caps and hoodie.

“I know. They will come over here any moment to talk. They like to do that. You want to tell them?” you would leave the choice to her, it’s her life and you would support her either way.

“I want to stay with you.” She confesses looking up at you with big eyes. It makes you happy she felled secure with you.

“I know that sweety but that doesn’t mean I am forcing you to tell them. I’m not going to force you to tell them anything you don’t want to.” You assure her.

“But I want to be honest with them.”

“well if you are brave enough maybe I could half as brave and do the same.” You stroke her cheek and smile at her. Krashlyn took that moment to interrupt you.

“What should you tell us?” Ashlyn asked while she and Ali sit down in front of you before you look up you catch Lexa’s eye.

“ready little warrior.” She gives you a simple nod. Turning to the couple and try to give them a reassuring smile.

“Lexa and I have to tell you all something.” Suddenly a lot of voices started talking. Asking what it was and how you met Lexa. You cut through it with a sharp whistle and instruct them all to take a seat and listen. You had never seen them sit down so fast and be shut up, maybe you should try that whistle more.

“you want to tell them first?” Lexa swallowed hard before she looked up at the soccer players.

“okay guy’s this is Lexa I met her today after the game, after talking to her I have decided to become her legal guardian. Vlatko is helping me with the papers.” You pause for the information to sink in but not long enough for chaos to break out.

“wait with the questions and judgment until after Lexa and I have done our story.” You gave Lexa a reassuring smile while glaring at your teammates. Lexa grabs your hand for support.

“I have leukaemia and (Y/N) had promised to stay with me so I don’t have to do the therapy alone. I hate being alone in the hospital and she makes me feel safe.” The weight of the word behind the childlike didn’t go unnoticed by you.

Many of the soccer players in front of you had unshed tears in their eyes. After her story, Lexa buries her face into your shoulder. Hugging her back in return almost seemed like second nature.

“you were so brave, little warrior. I’m so proud of you.” You Lexa while hugging her close. When I was obvious she wouldn’t be say anything more.

“I saw Lexa in the stands alone and could immediately tell what the problem was. A couple of kids were picking on her for it, that is when I decided to step in and take her inside with me, I didn’t know how bad her immune system was so I didn’t want to take any chances. Tomorrow both of us have to go to the hospital for a blood test. Then I can tell how much resistance she is against bacteria.” You explain stroking Lexa’s back soothing her and trying to minimize her stress.

“why would they be picking on her?” Christen asks, not understanding why Lexa would be bullied. You have to chuckle at their childlike innocence, most never had to deal with people looking at them weird or shinning them for being different.

“Because people are A-holes, who mistreat everything that is different and not to normal standards.” You grith out between clenched teeth, memories from your past resurfacing. You still remember the stares and the whispers from when you were in a wheelchair because you were to weak to walk. People were far less subtle than they thought they were.

“yes, they are.” Lexa agrees with you while climbing in your lap to hug you. You figured all the emotions and exhaustion were getting to her, so you drab your arms around her so she can rest a bit.

 The whole team looks at you shocked at how soft you are with the little girl. They had never seen you so soft. Some of the veterans were concerned when you told them you were becoming this little girls guardian, to team standards you were still a baby. Only being a couple of months older than Tierna but seeing you like this changed their minds. Also, an unspoken promise was going through the group, they would help you in any way they could.

Taking a deep breath you looked at your team, who were watching you and Lexa with big eyes. Now was as good a time as any to drop your own bomb, hoping that having Lexa with you will lessen the yelling they were going to do.

“There is something I want to tell you guys,” you speak before losing your nerves, freaking out internally. What if they start treating you differently? What if they start looking at you with pity?

Well, you couldn’t go back now.

“There is another reason I stepped out into the crowd today. I saw a lot of myself in Lexa. Because I also had leukaemia as a kid. Twice actually.” Gasp go through the group moments before questions are fired at you.

“(Y/N) sweetheart, why didn’t you tell us?” Ali asks coming closer so she can give you a reassuring smile and doesn’t scare you away.

“This is the only place I feel normal.” You confess not looking up at your team.

“it’s tough being a kid with leukaemia, people treat you different when they know. I was diagnosed for the first time when I was six. You are forced to grow up mentally and emotionally so fast sometimes you forget you are only a kid. I learned to put things into perspective fast, fearing you are not going to going to make it to the next day makes other kids tantrums banal in comparison. This caused me to stick out around my peers and made it hard to make friends. Not that it bothered me that much at that age, I was in the hospital a lot. You take a moment to take a couple of breath before you continue.

“Football is something I love and I didn’t want to be treated differently because of it. That is the big reason I didn’t tell anybody.” A lot of the woman around you are crying or holding each other for comfort. Lexa tightened her hold on you.

The silence in the room is heavy buy familiar. Most people didn’t know what to say after you told them so you decided to let them process everything first before they had to speak to you.

“Alright, that is enough emotions for one day. I’m taking Lexa back to my room so she can rest.” Getting up you grab her sports bottle with you while making your way to the elevator with Lexa in your arms.

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There was this viral tweet that went around about THE UNTAMED awhile back that was basically the cycle of every fan of the series that I have ever met: 1. Wtf, THIS is the show everyone is losing their minds over? This isn’t even good! 2. Well, I guess it’s not that bad, it’s pretty watchable and fun, it’s all right. 3. I would now die for these characters. So, when I swore this drama wasn’t going to be a big fandom for me, I was just going to watch the show and then fuck off again, I should have known better. Because here I am, crying about feelings about the entire cast and devouring fic and yelling at anyone who will spend even five minutes listening to me about how much I love the OTP, how much I love the Yunmeng Siblings and their Terrible Communications Issues, and the Tragic Sibling Duos and the Tragic Doomed Loves and The Cutest Juniors In The World and how I want to lock ALL OF THEM IN A ROOM until they sort out their feelings! 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It all goes from there. ✦ heaven and earth as witness by scheherazade, lan wangji/wei wuxian & jiang cheng & jin ling & lan sizhui, 8.5k    Jin Ling has an emotional meltdown involving Lan Sizhui. Lan Wangji predictably overreacts. Somehow, it helps Jiang Cheng and Wei Wuxian finally have a conversation that they should have had years ago. THE UNTAMED/MO DAO ZU SHI RECS - SOMETIMES CASE FIC, SOMETIMES WANGXIAN FIC: ✦ grow by cafecliche, lan wangji/wei wuxian & lan sizhui & the juniors, case fic, de-aged, 14.4k    Or: Wei Wuxian is cursed on a night-hunt, and the junior quartet rapidly finds themselves in over their heads. ✦ Linger in the Sun by etymologyplayground, lan wangji/wei wuxian & jiang cheng & ocs & cast, 39.4k    Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji find themselves cursed, unable to see or hear each other. They figure things out anyway. THE UNTAMED/MO DAO ZU SHI RECS - WHEN I WASN’T LOOKING, I DEVELOPED NIE BROTHERS FEELINGS FIC: ✦ Pushover by nirejseki, nie huaisang & nie mingjue & lan xichen & jin guangyao & cast, 1.9k    Every once in a while, not often, people who know them well will say that Nie Mingjue lets Nie Huaisang walk all over him. That isn’t quite right. THE UNTAMED/MO DAO ZU SHI RECS - YOUR HONOR, HAVE YOU SEENA-YAO’S PRECIOUS FACE? - LAN XICHEN/JIN GUANGYAO FIC: ✦ half cloak & half dagger by Fahye, lan xichen/jin guangyao (& background wangxian), NSFW, 13.1k    Jin Guangyao lifts his head and smiles. "I’m considering a problem.” “Can I be of any assistance with it?” He drops a kiss on Lan Xichen’s chest. With the nail of one finger he lightly traces the characters for irony on Lan Xichen’s side. “Not this one, er-ge.” ✦ Hindsight by clockwork_spider, lan xichen/jin guangyao, ~1k    Three years after the incident at the GuanYin temple, Jin GuangYao and Nie MingJue’s coffin was unsealed and their corpses, depleted of resentful energy, were finally laid to rest, their spirits released. In his dream, Lan XiChen is visited by the spectre of his sworn brother. ✦ beyond reasons by welcome_equivocator, lan xichen/jin guangyao & lan wangji, 5.2k    “a-yao,” he says, and you are almost surprised to hear it, but he is still facing away from you, “i know about the music.” ✦ Spring Dawn 《 花落知多少 》 by iskendaris, lan xichen/jin guangyao & nie mingjue, modern au/reincarnation au, 4.5k    Meng Yao is given a second chance when he’s reincarnated. He doesn’t want a repeat of the past. However destiny has a way of interfering, and he finds himself working together with student president Lan Xichen?! Really, what is this fate?! ✦ Hold the Baby by Moonsheen, lan xichen/jin guangyao & jin zixuan/jiang yanli & lan wangji/wei wuxian & jiang cheng, 6.4k    A collection of shorts: In which a chance encounter and a fussing baby causes a slight change to Jin Guangyao’s MO. ✦ Ornament by syriala, lan xichen/jin guangyao & nie mingue & lan qiren, 1.6k    He starts to go into the bow again, and Lan Xichen intercepts his movement, stops him from bowing in a move that he might have learned from Nie Mingjue, and then his brain must short-circuit, because the only thought Lan Xichen has is that Meng Yao has the perfect height for forehead kisses. THE UNTAMED/MO DAO ZU SHI RECS - EVERY OTHER KIND OF FIC: ✦ fierce corpse Jin Zixuan by EHyde, jin zixuan/jiang yanli & jin ling & cast, 10.6k    Jin Zixuan died at Qiongqi Path. Then, Wei Wuxian brought him back. But what place does Koi Tower have for a fierce corpse? ✦ The Past Didn’t Go Anywhere by FairestCat, jiang cheng & wen qing & lan sizhui, 2.3k    There are rumours going around of a woman – a healer – travelling the countryside alone. Jiang Cheng needs to know if the rumours are true. ✦ If you only knew then (the things I only know now) by Nillegible, jiang fengmian/yu ziyuan & wei wuxian & jiang cheng & nie huaisang & lan wangji & & lan xichen & jin zixuan & cast, time travel (of a sort), 34.7k wip    Yu Ziyuan receives a warning, a letter in Jiang Cheng’s handwriting, familiar, though it seems to have evened out over long years of practice. This was from her child, but not. This Jiang Cheng, grown up in ways that it hurt to contemplate, had endured the death of his family, his Sect, and his soul. ✦ partly frozen, partly flowing by astrolesbian, lan wangji & lan xichen & lan qiren (& background wangxian), 4.9k    To discourage Lan Wangji from this idea would be to discourage him from loving, and Lan Xichen has always known that to be impossible. All he could do was nod as his brother looked at him, and finished, calmly, “Zewu-jun, I accept any punishment you see fit.” ✦ Delight in Misery by nirejseki, lan wangji & jiang cheng & lan sizhui & jin ling & lan xichen (&background wangxian), 17.4k wip    For the first time in his life, Lan Wangji didn’t want to go home. (what if he had another option?) ✦ into the light of a dark black night by dragongirlG, lan wangji & lan xichen & madam lan, 3k    On a snowy night in the dead of winter, Wu Yuhua, formerly known as Madam Lan, unexpectedly spends one last night with her sons before escaping from the Cloud Recesses. FULL DETAILS + RECS HERE

How did you find out you were lgbt? I’m curious because nowadays teenagers just know so I wanna know how as an adult did you realize. For a science project.

Thanks for asking!

It's been a process for me, for sure. I grew up very Christian and believed I was straight and just had a natural...idk, immunity to 'temptation' in regards to dating and such? Temptation in the sense of wanting the physical aspects of a relationship and trying to be mature about appropriate ages and such. I was a little self-righteous about it because it gave me an excuse to avoid a lot of petty drama. Like sure, I could find boys attractive and I'd grown up with all the pressure to be in relationships, plus getting married and having kids, and so I fantasized about the idea. I had crushes, but looking back they were either purely emotional attachment or aesthetically driven with no sexual desire involved.

For a long time I just thought I didn't really get into the dating scene because I was too picky, or that it was too emotional of an endeavor for me to go on fun dates without immediately hoping for the long game, or even that I was too emotionally damaged to be good enough for it. I was pretty strong in my faith for a long time, so although I was inwardly supportive of LGBT friends, I still held to certain beliefs and felt that I had all questions answered on the subject. I lived that way for years, even after I had a sibling come out as trans and my best friend came out as bi. Didn't understand trans identities a bit. All I knew about being bi were the awful stereotypes I now hate. I only heard about asexuality briefly after high school and it hadn't been explained to me very well.

I eventually found myself with a disconnect, wanting to be an ally and holding onto an opposing ideal. Having queer friends and family plus being on tumblr, I loved being surrounded by all these people with unique experiences and I saw tidbits of queer history and queer news. It made me reconsider a lot of ideas. I also had a short-lived, long distance relationship that I ended up calling off and briefly wondered about being ace, but I wrote it off as me just being emotionally overwhelmed.

Then a few months later, out of nowhere I saw a girl on Tiktok and realized I found women attractive. And I was more ready to accept that idea than I'd expected. It blew any desire of holding onto previous beliefs away - that part of me was gone and it couldn't come back. I looked back and reread some poems I'd written about a friend and realized, "Oh, I am so dense." I started seeing pretty women everywhere. But if I had been manifesting those feelings before, how did I not notice? I talked with several friends and paid more attention to what experiences I had in regards to attraction, and I was really grateful for the split model.

For now I identify as aegosexual biromantic, or bi-ace to make it easy on people. There's still nuances that I'm trying to figure out, so I also like just saying I'm queer for the sake of ease and brevity, and I believe that I may ultimately not want to use any particular label and simply live out my own unique experience. I'm only out to my queer friends right now. Don't think I'll ever formally tell most of my family. However, I'm really happy to have come to this point.

Idk how I would have accepted myself if the realization had happened to a younger me. It would have likely worsened my already bad circumstances if I stood up for myself, and the alternative probably would've been repression to the point of actually harming myself. And I certainly wouldn't have had the strength or resources back then to help me navigate it well. Timing is timing, and while I do sometimes think it would've been nice to know a little sooner, I'm glad I know now.

Thanks again for asking me! I hope this provides some really good insights 💕💕

not enough 9

“Why do you even like, Cangse Sanren?” Jiang Fengmian asks petulantly.

They’re in Caiyi town, winding down after Night Hunting with the Gusu Lan disciples.

Wei Changze had been perfect as ever, of course. Silently guarding all the disciples and acting as support when they came across beasts and curses. More than half the disciples had been saved by Wei Changze tonight and they probably didn’t even know it.

It always was like that.

Only Jiang Fengmian ever saw Wei Changze.

And tonight was no different. Jiang Fengmian saw Wei Changze. And he saw how he stuck needlessly close to Cangse Sanren.

The pretty, lively rogue cultivator that had recently come down from Baosen Sanren’s mountain.

The rumor was that half the cultivators who met her were in love with her and much to Jiang Fengmian’s displeasure, it looked like Wei Changze wasn’t… immune to her charms.

He looks up at Wei Changze. Wei Changze’s eyebrows are a little bit furrowed, an expression of confusion on his face.

Honestly, he looks so cute that Jiang Fengmian wants to... touch him. But he’s also annoyed that Wei Changze isn’t denying that he likes Cangse Sanren.

“Do you not like Cangse Sanren?” he asks earnestly, as if the thought of Jiang Fengmian disliking Cangse Sanren is upsetting to him.

Jiang Fengmian almost wants to roll his eyes. Almost wants to scream at the sky. Almost wants to shake Wei Changze and yell ‘you’re not allowed to like anyone other than me!’

“She’s fine,” he says instead, because doing all that would be unsightly… and also troublesome.

Wei Changze’s eyebrows lift from their slight furrow – which for Wei Changze is quite a show of emotion. “She is kind and a strong cultivator,” Wei Changze says, “We all benefited from her joining us tonight.”

“Mm,” Jiang Fengmian hums. He feels like a child. Petulant and jealous. He feels a little bit mortified at himself and embarrassed at his jealousy. Cangse Sanren is a strong cultivator. Of course Wei Changze would appreciate that.

“She is strong,” Jiang Fengmian says, “but I don’t know about kind. She lit Lan Qiren’s beard on fire as a joke. That’s not very nice, is it?”

Wei Changze lets out a short audible breath from his nose, which is as good as an outright laugh from him. “No, not nice,” he concedes. “But she is kind.”

“What’s the difference?” Jiang Fengmian asks, turning around to fully face Wei Changze. “Nice and kind – they’re like the same thing, no?”

Wei Changze doesn’t respond right away. He looks at Jiang Fengmian for a moment, a strange look in his eyes. “Similar,” he says finally, “but not the same.”

Jiang Fengmian wants to ask what Wei Changze likes more.

But he’s suddenly scared.

He does a strange thing and reaches out to touch Wei Changze – to make sure that he’s still real next to Jiang Fengmian.

Wei Changze looks down at Jiang Fengmian’s hand on his arm but he doesn’t say anything. He doesn’t move either.

Jiang Fengmian could be brave now, he thinks.

He could.

“I’m tired,” he says instead, “I think I’ll go to bed.”

He could be brave… but it would be troublesome.

Besides, what did it matter what Wei Changze liked better? He would always be by Jiang Fengmian’s side anyways.

Always.

---

An eruption of commotion in the courtyard brings Jiang Fengmian out from his room.

The undead Wen boy is standing in the middle of the courtyard, a woman slumped over one of his shoulders and what looks like a child slumped over his other shoulder.

He stands there placidly looking at Jiang Fengmian, even as twenty disciples have their swords pointed at him.

It’s only when Jiang Cheng enters the courtyard that the Wen boy deigns to speak at all.

“Ah, Jiang-gongzi,” the Wen boy says, bowing awkwardly with the two bodies slumped lifelessly over his shoulders. “Sorry for bothering you so late.”

“What are you doing here?” Jiang Cheng says. He rushes over to the boy, signaling to the disciples to sheathe their weapons.

The disciples don’t even look to Jiang Fengmian for further confirmation before they sheathe their swords.

It seems the Jiang Cheng’s word is good enough.

“Is there a problem? Is Wei Wuxian in trouble?” Jiang Cheng asks as he takes the woman’s body from the Wen boy’s shoulder. He holds her gently and rests her head on his shoulder.

He declines when a disciple comes forward and tries to take the unconscious woman from Jiang Cheng.

The Wen boy hands the unconscious child to the disciple.

“Wei-gongzi is okay,” he says, “I’ve given him a draught that will leave him unconscious for a couple of days so he can heal, but other than that he should be fine.”

“Why are you here?” Jiang Fengmian asks, finally stepping forward. An almost tired sort of anger fills him. Why is this Wen in Lotus Pier? Why did he bring other Wens? Why didn’t he bring Wei Wuxian?

“Ah, Sect leader Jiang,” the Wen boy bows deeply. He stays bowed as he speaks. “I am going to turn myself in to the Jin Sect. I am the one who killed young master Jin. I am hoping that my life will be enough to soothe Sect leader Jin’s anger so that he will not attack Wei-gongzi.”

It’s a heroic act.

Self-sacrificing.

It’s a wonder why Jiang Fengmian’s heart isn’t moved by it at all.

“Then go to Koi tower,” he responds coldly, “Why are you here wasting time?”

The undead boy stays bowed.

“My sister and my nephew were injured by Jin-gongzi,” he says, “I fear that they will not be able to get better at the Burial Mounds. I know that this is too much to ask, but if they could stay here just a while. If they could just stay here, long enough to recover from their injuries… This would be my final request.”

Of course there would be a catch.

“And if I refuse?” he asks, “Will you stay in the Burial Mounds instead of going to Koi tower?”

“Father!” Jiang Cheng exclaims. He tightens his hold on the woman’s body. Holds her even closer.

Jiang Fengmian had thought that Jiang Cheng had been going to the Burial Mounds because of Wei Wuxian. Never in his life had he thought that Jiang Cheng might have been going to the Burial Mounds because of… love? Affection?

“What?” Jiang Fengmian asks sharply. He’s still sore from how Jiang Cheng had dragged him out of the Burial Mounds. How Jiang Cheng had defied him so brazenly. “What do you have to say to your sect leader, Jiang Cheng?”

Jiang Cheng looks at him with fire in his eyes.

Jiang Fengmian can see the way his jaw clenches. The way he visibly steels his resolve.

Undoubtedly Jiang Cheng will defy him again.

Jiang Fengmian is so tired.

He’s already lost a son and he’s in danger of losing a son again.

But maybe this son is also already lost to him.

After all, isn’t that Jiang Fengmian’s problem? He never knows when he’s lost someone until it’s too late to do anything about it.

“I will go to Koi tower either way,” the Wen boy says, interrupting Jiang Cheng and Jiang Fengmian’s silent stand-off. “My life right now is a gift given to me by Wei-gongzi. If returning this gift can spare him any more pain, I will do it happily.” He bows even deeper then. “But if I can make this selfish request – if my sister and nephew can be allowed to recover comfortably – I would die with no regrets.”

It’s then that Jiang Fengmian realizes why his heart isn’t moved at all by thie Wen boy.

His heart can’t be moved because it’s too deeply steeped in shame.

He looks at the boy bowed deeply before him.

He looks at his son still staring defiantly up at him.

“Take them to the healer’s quarters,” he says finally.

Jiang Cheng nods quickly. “Thank you, father,” he murmurs as he walks past Jiang Fengmian.

“Thank you, sect leader Jiang!” the Wen boy shouts, bowing even deeper. “Thank you.”

Jiang Fengmian can’t stand to look at him anymore. He can’t stand to even be in his presence. It fills him with so much shame that he can’t even breathe. He wants to cut himself open and walk out of his body. He wishes he was someone else. Someone braver.

He’s done nothing and he’s being thanked.

It disgusts him.

His wife is standing in the shadows as he walks back towards his room.

“Why are you protecting the Wens now?” she asks, and it’s cruel question, but there’s no malice in her voice. Somehow she sounds almost as tired as Jiang Fengmian feels.

“You saw Jiang Cheng,” Jiang Fengmian answers quietly, “He would not take no for an answer.”

She turns to him then, and her face is shadowed. He can’t make out what expression is on her face, but he assumes it must be disgust.

He’s disgusted with himself too, after all.

“I always dreamed about the day Jiang Cheng would outgrow you,” she says, “But I never imagined I’d find you so pitiful.”

It’s almost enough to shock laughter out Jiang Fengmian – but he’s too tired to laugh.

Too tired and too ashamed.

He gives her a weak smile instead. “It’s a wonder you only find me pitiful now,” he says. He’s always been pitiful. Always been pathetic.

Making the wrong decisions. Choosing peace over happiness. Running away from troublesome things.

Losing.

Losing.

Losing.

“Don’t sound so sorry for yourself,” his wife says, “Aren’t you the one who said a good parent raises children who are better than them?”

She steps into the light then, and it’s the first time he can see her face.

Her tone is sharp and her words are mean but…

But the look on her face is…

She’s the only one who’s ever fought to stay by Jiang Fengmian’s side.

It’s the act of a desperate man, and it’s so much less than what she deserves, but he walks over to her and embraces her.

She’s stiff in his arms.

“What--?” she starts, “Have you finally gone insane? People will—“

“Didn’t you say you pitied me?” he asks, resting his cheek on her head, “Just a little while. Just…”

And she stays stiff in his arms but she doesn’t move.

They stay like that a long while.

Until Jiang Fengmian can muster enough courage to stand himself. Until his disgust loses the knife sharp edge. Until his shame ebbs enough so he can breathe a little.

And his wife.

His wife stands there and endures it with him.

I've been asking around this one question for a few people now, because I like hearing what people have to say about it...

So I wouldn't mind it if you shared a list on who's your favourite (from Most to Least) from the Obey Me! Crew (Brothers & Formally Undatables)...

Also, please feel free to ramble on about why you placed them in each space...

O-oh dear-

First off, you spoil an infodumper like me too much lol (I am happy sfjsjjdjn) and I am going to go overboard (and changing the order of things) for my own pleasure.

And so...

Second off...

Gladly

Here is My List of LEAST to MOST Favorite of The Obey Me Boys ^^

That I just did on spot because I didn't have one ready because it's hard for me to rate the characters as they all have their traits and even their flaws add something good to the character but I'll be dammed if I don't enjoy deep frying my brain for fun.

Please take note I am taking this literally and all characters in here are FAVORITES, just some will be more and some less, which mean I LIKE ALL OF THEM. Yes, I have changed my opinion on a certain two characters I have said to not like, and I am not ashamed to say I was incorrect.

So let's start this off with the right foot shall we?

#12 | Diavolo

He is still infuriating I won't deny that. And I won't pity him though he is a tragic character that is so lonely he overrates any kind of affection, that doesn't know how to interact with others without exagerating, that has no one to give an oposing opinion because of his status and so it's increasingly hard for him to learn to make good decisions, and with his goal to unite the realms I could almost say he is naive. He's a bit of a puppy always wanting some pets, but as a not dog person, I don't have enough in me to be always playing, so to me an overly needy puppy can end up getting annoying, though of course, I can't help it but at least give it a few pets before going my way.

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#11 | Simeon

Yes in the end I actually liked him all along but was just in denial after I thought about it. Simeon is a good character, he's a dick even though he's an angel and he doesn't bother to be any different, he definetelly has his own set of rules he follows and I believe he would be a Chaotic Good just like me. He's well made. And as much as he is pretty unlikeable, the mystery, the questions, the fact that he has always been the same we just didn't get to interact with him much to see it, to have a naturally asshole character put down some of his walls to help us even if part out of possible self interest. And of course he's also fun. Simeon is charming, and I have come to appreciate all of him.

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#10 | Luke

A kid. A brat and a tsundere. I Absolutely love the character development and it's extremelly adorable. He's now officially our guardian angel and I love that. He was just a prick that I rolled my eyes so hard whenever I encountered him in the game and now he's just a lil' bratty brother that is fun to tease and squish the cheeks off. He's a really nice kid in the end, just previously ignorant, but still nice because he was willing to learn and change despise saying he didn't want to. I personally can understand Luke as I was pretty alike as a kid. Again, he's a nice kid I would gladly buy some balloons and cotton candy for.

.

#9 | Barbatos

The number 1 buttler, he's just, a good dude l o l. He has his distance from everyone due to his position but that doesn't make him any less interesting. He is mysterious and powerful and yet he feels, so chill. He's also fun and actually has a pretty soft personality in which he knows exactly when to switch off to strict. He's a character I respect and wish existed in real life so I could be friends with (╥﹏╥).

.

#8 | Solomon

Shady sorcerer is actually a pretty good guy though mildly insane. He is actually responsable (and takes it pretty seriously seeing he's basically the representative of the human realm). He's kind though again, mildly insane, and diligent. He may have terrible food but the fact he does it with good intentions is pretty adorable, he just likes to follow his instincts and be spontaneous because he likes new and exciting things. He probably has quite a bit of angst to him due to his not only immortality in not aging but also by not being able to be killed but even so it feels that, contrary to how many human immortals end, he still hasn't lost the light in his eyes and can still enjoy things and enjoy being alive, and that is most likely thanks to other immortal/long living beings such as demons.

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#7 | Lucifer

Yep. Lucifer is actually a really fucking great character, he's fond of his family, hard worker to the point of destroying himself, self punisher, elegant, pretty af, cute at times. But not exactly my most favorable cup of tea. Seeing I can see through his bullshit all his posessiveness, all his pettiness, all his actions just becomes ridiculous and annoying. And theres also a problem with the fact we always end up submiting to him, I don't want that. For every time he disrespects me I want him to kneel and kiss my feet. His pride collides with my own, and his decisions do too. But even so he is very reliable and so he has my respect for that, I do want to hug him and tell him he deserves nice things and that he can rest now this is not the war anymore you don't have to bow down to anyone anymore you didn't doom your brothers but freed them instead, but then again he makes bad decisions because he has zero braincells for emotional intelligence and that pisses me off and makes me just want to yeet him off a cliff. Yeah Lucifer, I would gladly kick you in the balls with ♡°.•love•.°♡.

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#6 | Leviathan

Surprising is it not? But it's true, I often focus on Levi due to him not only being pretty alike to me but also because he's related to many things I have been familiar with since I was born: animes and games. His anxiousness is relatable, the outcastness is relatable, the awkwardness is relatable, the obsession is relatable, the references are relatable, the infodumping is relatable. He's very relatable to me, but not my most favorite, and all because of his envy. He's a guilt tripper, and though I am long immune to it in real life due to extreme exposure to it from my family, it still is enough for his rank to go down. I still love him though, but mostly as the character that represents the thing I am most familiar with in life: myself.

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#5 | Beelzebub

Big puppy, he's the type of guy who will talk to plants. He has big and strong hands that could crush anything and yet he will do his best to handle some things gently. He's chill and non judgemental, loyal to the core. Once you win him over, you win him over, he would die for you. He is purposely childish at times and it's cute. He is amazing. I wish I could enjoy eating like he does. He's the only character I truly feel hurt for, as he is deeply inflicted by survivor's guilt and it just pains me I can't comfort him because he isn't real ಥ‿ಥ

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#4 | Belphegor

Hoh boy. The brat. The fandom itself is pretty divided on their liking of Belphie and it's understandable lol. But I personally understand Belphie. To hide hurt behind anger, hate and spite, to turn to agression to prove a point but you end up just fucking up. But the guilt and wish to fix things can lead one to giving themselves up, and so it becomes a constant battle of getting close but not too close for the sake of both parties involved. I get this boy more than I wish I ever did, and that's why he's high on the ranking. And because he's cute ngl.

.

#3 | Satan

H o h b o y, another one that reminds me of myself, only it's the aftermath of the above where one bottles up all their negative feelings because being emotional is not being rational and who the fuck even wants to not be rational. Where you have no fucking idea who you are because all you know is to stomp your feet and scream for the sake of making an statement but that just proved all your enemies a point so now you turn to smarts to prove yourself. To make others angry, to make them frustrated and infuriated with your knowledge because you want to prove yourself, be reconized for who you are, to be someone and also, hopefully, change other people's ways, to make them understand they are wrong because you deep down actually want to get along with them. Yeah, Satan is high on the list, and it's also because he likes detectives uwu.

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#2 | Asmodeus

What a fucking icon he is I love him okay. It frustrates me when people use cheating as a angst prompt for him as he's obviously someone who just isn't made for monogamy, and he's pretty honest and I feel he would have nothing to hide and would talk it all out with all his partners. He's a sweetheart that works hard on daily basis and hour after hour to mantain an image, he likes the attention, he wants to be loved. If anyone mildly self centered ever told me 'I love you as much as I love myself' I would marry them on spot. Asmo is just incredibly sweet and I love all his affection and respect him for all the work he does to make a good impression and look up to that self confidence even though most of it is actually just him trying to convince himself. Also perfect example off gender is an ilusion lol.

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#1 | Mammon

Yep, our number 1, The Great Mammon, the most lovable dumbass that has been by our side from the start though with a bit of whining. This man is perfect. He has incredible self control over his powers, and as someone who used to be an angel to be able to use money all you want bro. I wouldn't feel bad either. He's our protector from start to end to the point he focuses on us instead of the queen in the Dame event. He isn't stupid just has selective focus just like me! And all the people with ADHD and many other neurodivergents. When he wants something he does is perfectly and diligently, he just needs the right push at the right time. He's the most good of all demons and even angels and he loves all his brothers deeply, he is always there to support everyone to the point of even allowing himself to be the punching bag for the sake of them not turning too much on one another. He was literally our first SSR card, our first call, our first pact, our first and the best. He IS great, truly.

A non-chronological, non-comprehensive list of some of the exhausting bullshit I have had to put up with enforcing our impossibly gentle masking policy. Sometimes we were able to enforce, most of the time we just let them in. For funsies, I was injured and in a sling for most of this shit:

1. “SHUT UP you fat fucking bitch you’ll never amount to ANYTHING in your STUPID FUCKING LIFE now get OUT OF MY WAY!” *proceeds to ram her grocery cart into my side*

2. “I’m not going to comprise MY FREEDOM.”

3. *grabs screaming toddler and runs in, holding the child between us, as if that will prevent me from noticing they don’t have a mask*

4. “No, I won’t wear...oh wait, I mean I have a medical condition.”

5. “I have a medical condition. It’s like cancer, in my face. It’s too painful to wear one. It’s also too painful for the face shield. It’s cancer.”

6. “What’s it called? I have asthma, I can’t wear one.”

7. “I’m overweight. I can’t wear one.”

8. “I’m not putting that MUZZLE on my face”

9. “The virus isn’t real, idiot.”

10. “I’m in a wheelchair, I don’t have to do anything you tell me.”

11. “I have an emotional support dog.”

12. “If you give me that, I’m just going to throw it away, so don’t even bother.”

13. “My sister is in the hospital, so I don’t have to wear one.”

14. “I’m not touching that thing.”

15. “The mask is more dangerous than the virus. It’ll stop the oxygen from reaching my brain.”

16. “I served in the military.”

17. “I’m only grabbing a coffee, so like, why bother?”

18. “My sister is a nurse and she says it’s not real.”

19. “Fuck you.”

20. *ten minutes of screaming at me, the managers, and passerby about his precious American freedoms being violated*

21. Two men in qanon shirts, openly carrying firearms. Clearly desperate to fight. Did not engage.

22. “Shut up.”

23. “Look, you’re that same bitch who was here last time, I don’t fucking care, just fucking leave me alone. I’m not wearing it.”

24. *grabs the whole box and throws it in the trash*

25. “Come on sweetheart, you know this is all shit. I know you wouldn’t wear one of you didn’t have to worry about your job. It’s so awful they’re making you cover your pretty face.”

26. “I’m not ruining my lipstick.”

27. “What are you going to do about it? I’m going in no matter what.”

28. “It’s against my religion. Jesus would never wear a mask.”

29. *pretends to not speak English* (note: came in daily speaking unaccented english for a year previous, only suddenly loosing this skill with the pandemic)

30. “Is this fun for you? Do you like harassing people??” (Literally. Just. Doing. My. Job.)

31. “Open this fucking door, I’m not talking to some employee, get your fucking manager.. SHUT UP. Shut up, get the manager, I’m coming in here.”

32. *holds a tissue over their face* “this counts.” (It does not)

33. “I’m over 65.” (DUDE)

34. “I’m pregnant.” (BRO)

35. “Get your manager, I’ll take you guys to court.”

36. *refuses the mask and proceeds to wave a fucking EMF reader over my body, because apparently the virus is a ghost*

37. *holds mask on their face as if they’re putting it on, put drops it as soon as they think I can’t see.*

38. *gets mad, proceeds to SPIT ON THE PRODUCE DISPLAYS* (we had to pull and waste out the whole fucking shelf fuck this guy)

39. *physically shoves me out of the way*

40. “I’m allergic to masks. I can’t have anything on my face at all.”

41. *talks on their phone, talking louder to “drown” me out while trying to speed by*

42. *has a literal pink fuzzy sleeping mask over their mouth*

43. “This is all going to go away after the election, so don’t sit here and pretend it’s real.”

44. “The president isn’t wearing one, so I’m not wearing one.”

45. “I’ve never been to CHYNA.”

46. “I don’t support BLM” (????????????)

47. “Oh I already have it, so it doesn’t matter.” (Me: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!??!????????? IS THAT PRESENT TENSE????????? He was not allowed in, for the record.)

48. *a repeating anti-masking offender, wildly drunk and three times my size, barreled by me, proceeded to open and drink mouthwash right off the shelf. Made several sexual advances at me and another female employee, so we got to step aside while the male management dealt with him*

49. *a literal pair of panties, the creep*

50. *this dude fuckin rolls up in a fuckin $700,000 car, parks on the fire lane, leaves his fuckin door wide open with the KEYS IN THE IGNITION AND STILL RUNNING, moonwalks the fuck in with his dog, and waves me down like I’m the goddamn host at a restaurant and tells me to go get my manager, but to “take a long time, because I’ll be finishing my shopping while you’re gone, and they’re not going to stop me.”

51. *gets caught swapping price tags, AND refusing a mask* “pull that stupid thing off your face, HONEY, I can’t hear anything you’re saying.” Proceeds to tell management that I am “a serious problem, the rudest bitch she’s ever met, and she will NOT be coming back to this store. They should fire me, because she’s never been treated so rudely before. Take that little girl off the schedule. What happened to customer service?” Reminder: she was caught stealing while I was trying to enforce the mask policy.

52. *I offer a mask, get shut down with bullshit “me and my five kids and husband all have a medical condition” whatever. I say all right and go back to my station. Bitch calls the store after she leaves and screams that I discriminated against her and her family.

53. “I’m a priest.”

54. *a pair of police officers who come in while I’m stuck with a different and more boring antimasker, without masks, I try to stop them, but they laugh. Dumbasses. The station is down the street. We called and reported them to their superior. Got a NICE official apology for that one.

55. *wearing a literal fursuit, which....counts.....I guess??? This person was actually fine, but I’m on a ptsd flashback and they’re there*

56. “Only if you have toilet paper.”

57. “We can’t wear those things. How will we get herd immunity???”

58. *a pair of basketball shorts*

59. *a sock*

60. *a “mask” with the mouth cut out

61. No wait I’m stopping here, this is literally endless

Please for the love of god be kind to your essential workers, we’ve been doing the normal work routine on hardcore survivalist mode all 2020, and I am so ready for the vaccine please please please let this year end

Look What You Made Me Do

This is some salt inspired by Taylor Swift’s song ‘Look What You Made Me Do’ and @miraculouscontent’s LadyBugOut AU (go read it. it’s AMAZING)

Summary: So maybe she’d let Lila’s stories be true. She’d become what they all already thought she was. She has nothing left to lose. (AO3)

Marinette was sick of Lila. Sick of her pathetic easily debunked lies and convoluted stories.

She was sick of her classmates and her so-called “friends.” Sick of them letting themselves be manipulated. Lila was honest for once when she said she only told them what they wanted to hear, which meant that they wanted to believe the worst of her. They were too quick to turn on her for it to have been anything else.

So maybe she’d let Lila’s stories be true. She’d become what they all already thought she was. She has nothing left to lose.

She showed up to class early, well, early for her. Everyone was already in class, just chatting, a handful of people were clustered around Lila as she told an astoundingly bad fake story about Rihanna promising her she’d name the next Fenty Beauty product after her.

Adrien was sitting next to her, as far away from her as he could be while still physically being on the bench, and he smiled and waved at her as she walked in. No one else did. She waved back, but didn’t smile. She was still pissed about his “taking the high road” nonsense. She knew he was sheltered and naive, which isn’t his fault, but she thought he’d have the grace to admit he was out of his depth when it came to school bullies. At least he offered her support, even if his words ended up really meaning nothing because he never followed through.

She walks towards Lila’s table in a deliberate manner that has everyone clustered around the liar looking and glaring daggers at her. She just shrugs at them and keeps walking, humming to herself, and as she walks by Lila’s table, and her bag on the floor, she kicks it down the stairs, walks to her seat, and waits.

Everyone is gasping and gaping at her. Lila has turned to her, big sad eyes already welling with crocodile tears, already whining in about 3 octaves too high than Marinette wants to deal with this early in the morning, about “Marinette! How could you do that? How could you kick my things away like that?” Cue fake sobs that wrack her body and everyone glaring at her even harder. “I thought you were so nice! I only wanted - I only wanted to be friends!”

“Hmm.” She hums aloud, letting her mouth spread into an easy sharp grin that has everyone stepping back and has even Lila’s eyes widening a little in fear. “No. You didn’t.”

“Girl!” Of course, Alya cuts in. Jumping to Lila’s defense like she used to jump to hers. Same old routine. “I can’t believe you just did that to Lila’s stuff!”

“Can’t you though? I mean, Lila’s been claiming for months that I’ve been bullying her, threatening her, and you’ve never seen me do it, but you believed her, didn’t you?”

Alya sputters with rage at the insinuation. She’s stuttering and spitting and utterly unable to get a single word out, and Nino puts his hand on her shoulder and turns a disapproving frown on Marinette. “Dude. That totally wasn’t cool.”

“Wasn’t it? I was just giving you guys a little proof. You all think I’m torturing the poor girl regardless of what I say, so why not just make her lies be true? It’s what you all expect of me! Especially considering how you’ve been treating me for the past couple of months. You can’t honestly tell me that you’re surprised, because then it would mean you don’t believe Lila and that she is in fact a liar. And we wouldn’t want anyone to be akumatized, now, would we, Adrien?”

Adrien is looking up at her, eyes darting between her and the rest of the class, not knowing what to say. Her gaze hardens the longer he stays silent, and they’re in a silent staring contest now, with Marinette’s smile getting wider and sharper as it goes on. He looks away.

She’s becoming something truly terrifying right before their eyes, and with the startling realization that they don’t know her anymore, the class starts looking around for akumas.

She knows now that Adrien’s word means nothing. It’s too bad she didn’t find out sooner. She sits back in her chair, drops the sharp scary smile, and everyone relaxes minutely. Adrien still isn’t looking at her.

“Oh, but Adrien, don’t worry! If anyone gets akumatized today it won’t be me. Not like you really cared in the first place, though. Am I right? Not about me or my feelings, at least. Anyways, nothing I’m feeling right now is negative enough to risk me getting akumatized, which is more than I can say about everyone else in this class right now. How many times would this be, Lila? Five? Six? Now I know Hawkmoth is a magical terrorist that takes advantage of people’s negative emotions, but I have to say anything more than 3 seems excessive. If I didn’t know better, I’d say it seemed almost like you want to be akumatized. Like you and Hawkmoth have some kind of deal. But of course, I’d never say anything like that without proof.” She spits out the last word like it’s a poison dart, and they all know just who’s heart it’s aimed at. Many of her classmates turn to look at Alya, who has paled and is now sitting in her seat frantically typing on her phone, looking more panicked after every result.

The eerie sharp smile is back on Marinette’s face, but this time, it’s smug. It’s knowing.

At that moment, Mme. Bustier rushes into the room with Mr. Damocles, Sabrina’s father, two uniformed officers, and a frantic and angry looking woman.

Lila pales as soon as she sees the woman come through the door, and she’s standing immediately, about to start spinning her web of lies before anyone can even speak, but Officer Raincomprix speaks over her, walking up to her with an open pair of handcuffs.

“Delilah Rossi. Hands behind your back.” She complies, still confused about what’s going on, still spouting nonsense about how surely it’s all just a misunderstanding, Marinette must have framed her or set her up, you see, she’s always had it out for her, this must be a mistake, but Raincomprix isn’t listening. “You are under arrest for collusion with a known terrorist, and aiding and abetting the aforementioned terrorist. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to speak to an attorney, and to have an attorney present during any questioning. If you cannot afford a lawyer, one will be provided for you at government expense.”

“You can’t arrest me! You don’t have any proof! Even if you did, I’m 15! No judge is gonna believe a bunch of wrinkly old men over a face like this! Besides, I’m the daughter of a diplomat. You can’t touch me. Tell them, mother!”

“Why do you think I’m here, Lila? The police came to me with this information and the substantial evidence against you, and I agreed to give them full cooperation. I have rescinded your diplomatic immunity. You will be punished to the full extent of the law, and hopefully in the process you will learn that your actions have consequences.”

The two uniformed officers all but carry a screeching, screaming Lila out of the class, and they all follow as she’s frog marched out of the building.

It’s when they’re on the sidewalk, about to shove her into the patrol car when it happens. An akuma is flying towards Lila as she stands next to the patrol car, and she lunges towards it. When she misses, when one of the cops grabs her arm again to get ahold of her, she twists out of his grip and runs towards it. She’s screaming “Hawkmoth! I knew you’d send an akuma for me!” She’s so close, and the entire class is split between trying to stop her or running as far away as possible, and then a yo-yo is sweeping through the air and capturing the akuma.

“Come on, Lila. Did you really think I’d let you get away with that again?” Ladybug says after she releases the purified akuma.

Lila is seething, and she lunges one more time, at Ladybug, but both of the uniformed officers have grabbed ahold of her again, so all she manages is spitting at Ladybug’s feet.

“Screw you, Ladybug. You and Marinette are two peas in a stupid pod. You’re both pathetic and fake and stupid. I’ll get my revenge.” The officers are now shoving her into the patrol car and all that can be heard is her screeching, “I’ll get her back for this!”

Ladybug steps up to Officer Raincomprix and Mme. Rossi and says, “I think it’d be prudent to get her out of the country as soon as possible, considering the fact that we’ve all seen just how willing she is to work with terrorists.”

Officer Raincomprix nods and says, “Absolutely. We’ll look into fast tracking her deportation.”

Mme. Rossi cringes and adds, “I’ll pay for it out of pocket if it’ll help speed up the process. It’s the least I can do after my daughter has been terrorizing your country and community like this.”

Ladybug nods and turns to leave, but Alya calls out to her, and as tempted as she is not to, she pauses.

“Yes, Mme. Césaire?”

“Well, I guess it’s kind of obvious from this interaction, but I have to ask, were you and Lila ever best friends?”

“No. We only interacted when I was purifying her akumas, and if she didn’t hate my guts before today, she definitely does now. We were never best friends. We were never even friends nor acquaintances. Which you’d have known, if you bothered to think about anything beyond getting views for your blog and asked me.”

Alya blanched at that, taken aback by the brutal honesty, and hangs her head in shame. “I know. I’ve learned my lesson. I’m sorry, Ladybug. It won’t happen again.”

“Sorry means nothing to me. Your words mean nothing to me. Don’t give me your empty promises. Don’t tell me you’re sorry. Show me you’re sorry. Don’t just tell me this won’t happen again, take steps to ensure it doesn’t. Take down the interview. Do your research. Trust your friends. Listen to them. Mme. Dupain-Cheng was the one who first came to me about Lila’s transgressions, and told me exactly what was happening in her classroom. What you all let happen. Do not ever let me hear about anything like this happening again. Understood?”

She looks up at the rest of the class that have clustered behind Alya while she was talking. “That goes for all of you. You are all on my list. I will be watching all of you, even when you think I’m not. You better not give me a reason to make a visit like this ever again.”

Alya is shocked speechless, and her classmates all look thoroughly guilty and shamed. It sends a thrill of satisfaction through her that almost makes her feel guilty. Key word: almost.

She flings her yoyo up and disappears from view, and touches down in an alley near the school to detransform.

Tikki flies up to her immediately and rests her entire self against Marinette’s cheek in as close to a hug as her tiny body can manage. “Oh, Marinette! That couldn’t have gone better if I orchestrated it myself! You were wonderful! I’m so proud of you!”

Marinette smiles and leans into the hug, heaving a sigh that releases all the tension she’s been holding in her over the past couple of months. She has no regrets. If any, it’s that she didn’t do this sooner.

She walks back into class with her chin up, shoulders back, and ignores every single sympathetic look thrown her way, every aborted wave to get her attention. She is above them all, and she always has been, but she’s just finally realized it.

*****

Her friendship with the class never goes back to the way it was. They’ve shown their true faces now, and she has forgiven them, but she will never forget. She’ll never forget how easily they tossed her to the side for the next shiny new thing. How readily, how eagerly they dismissed and belittled her. How quick they were to use things she told them in confidence, favors she did for them as tokens of friendship, against her. She’ll never forget the years of friendship and trust, something she thought was rock solid, crumbling like sand within a matter of mere months.

No. That trust can’t be built back up. It’s been swept away with the tide. It’s gone. There’s nothing left, nothing to build from, and Marinette doesn’t even want to bother trying. She knows now that it isn’t worth it, that she could never trust any of these people again.

Ladybug makes her own blog, the LadyBugOut, and makes her first post an official announcement that this is the only blog she’ll be endorsing from here on out, and all of the temporary heroes are being retired and will never wield any miraculous again due to things that have occurred in their civilian lives.

She pretends to be appropriately curious about why the majority of her class is down in the dumps the entire week after Ladybug makes her announcement, and tries not to seem too enthused when the views on LadyBugOut rise as the views for the Ladyblog start dwindling … and keep dwindling until Alya is getting tens of likes instead of the hundreds she was used to.

Nothing is ever the same, but that’s ok. It’s time for Marinette, and Ladybug, to move on. To be the hero she was always meant to be.

Now she has nothing holding her back.

Don’t really know what to make of still it but here goes (the Lando Norris issue) Pt 5

This is about the Lando Norris and Max Fewtrell (and other involved streamers) issue so you don't need to read it if it's not in your best interest to. I don’t know if this thing is supposed to have blown over or anything, but I’m posting because heck this is my blog and I want to post about things I think are in line with my personal philosophy (and maybe in-group).    

The entire rant is in five parts:  

Part 1 is where I describe very basically the entire situation, essentially what I saw happening through posts on the tumblr, twitter, and reddit Lando Norris tags  

Part 2 is me trying to describe why some fans felt what they felt and reacted the way they did  

Part 3 is the videos and what was said of them and how I interpreted them  

Part 4 the ‘misinformation’ idk

Part 5 is like, a rant.

Part 5: Personal rant

TW for talks about sex, sexism, and misogyny

Under the cut

This is not in defense of Lando and Max F’s actions. Personally I think their comments were disrespectful, inappropriate, and immature. They should not have talked about that aspect of their personal lives on public stream. They should not have talked about women like that. Personally, I think someone – most effectively, an authority figure in their lives they respect and listen to and care about the opinions of – should give them an earful about being disrespectful, inappropriate, and immature. Personally, I hope both learn something and try to be better, or want to try to be better (whatever they define as ‘better’ human beings in their lives might be very different from mine or yours). Personally, I think they (I am more familiar with Lando and his public persona, though) do see themselves as ‘nice’ people, and I really hope their values reflect those that take into consideration basic human decency.  

They are in their ‘privileged rich white kid’ insular community that probably has a very different set of values and priorities. They might not even consider, or bother to consider, different perspectives, so they might not even understand where all the negativity is coming from. I don’t know. I don’t know them personally and I’m not in their circles. Because I do like Lando and consider myself a fan, I hope he is capable of seeing and accepting different perspectives, and learning and growing from his mistakes. (Generally I hope everyone is able to). 

Personally, I think if people had the energy to call them out on their behavior, then they should do so if they want. I personally don’t know how effective social media callouts are, but I’ve seen many, many times how callouts devolve into ‘cancelling’ and chaos on social media platforms, and ends up being regular fans and social media users hurling malice at each other. I’m not sure a ‘what did you expect?’ would sound callous here, because, really, what did you expect? You can put out things on social media that you think are reasonable, or with anger that is justified. But you can’t control how people take it, interpret it, react to it, and use it (applies to Lando and Max F as well I suppose). Some responses are going to blindside you, because someone is going to have a vastly different life experience than you and will interpret things in a way you couldn’t have predicted. 

Judgement of character is always going to a very heated topic, especially if it’s about a famous person whom a lot of people admire. In this situation, it’s going to look like the callouts came from nowhere, because tumblr communities are somewhat insular and niche (relative to the fans who watch F1). 

People will react with a lot of emotions and their own value judgements, and you’ll react to that. It often devolves into people saying those who do not strongly support their side, or have not made a statement that strongly supports their side, are awful people who themselves embody the negative traits that were called out. I have no idea where this with-me-or-agaisnt-me mindset comes from. This is not helpful, and is also hurtful to a lot of people. 

I also do not understand why opposing sides bring in things like ‘you only want to sleep with Lando’ or ‘you know that Lando is not going to notice you right?’, or ‘you’re just salty because you can’t get with Lando’ (also in general, but since this is a rant about Lando and the Lando fandom). I don’t know where this comes from either, and why people think it’s something worth saying. 

Maybe this is a personal negative trait of mine, but I hate misinformation (and I’m not immune to misinformation, sure), and it really annoys me how some people seem to go off narratives that do not have a lot of evidence backing them up. It doesn’t help with your callout cause either, because your claims literally came from nowhere, and people will reasonably react with skepticism.