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homiro · 8 months

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It reclaims

#abandonedcore #abandoned school #nature taking over building #oddcore #nostalgiacore #i used to study here so yes #surrealcore #there used to be a window there #mine #photography #i guess lol #homiro said some shit

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szivtalan · 4 years

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1, 2, 3, 4, 19, 26, 32, 34, 36, 38, 41, 43, 44, 47, 53, 54, 69, 72, 80, 83, 84, 92, 105, 107, 112, 113, 115, 118, 132, 135, 136, 137 for the ask some question thing please?

Oh shit this will be so long and I can't put a line break anywhere yells I'm Sorry

1) 3 Fears

- living at my hometown/country for my entire life and not seeing nor experiencing the rest of the world at all

- not making any impact on this world, leaving it as I found it

- needles

2) 3 things I love

- friends, my brother

- laying down on the ground on a sunny day and staring up at the sky, watching the clouds roll by

- dogs

3) 2 turn ons

- someone making an effort to talk to me and basically letting me know they think about me

- I think homiro said gentleness and I agree yeah, being kind-hearted and soft spoken and attentive to people around you,,,,, Yeah that shit good

4) 2 turn offs

- people feeling the need to express superiority over others at any given moment

- general intolerance

19) How I feel right now

Kind of really sad.... Annoyed that I can't sleep, a whole lot anxious about things, worried about the ringing in my ears being back

26) The reasons I joined Tumblr

I genuinely cannot remember, maybe it was to look at inumog doujinshis in my Shizaya days

32) Do I like my music loud or at a reasonable level?

Depends, low when I need to focus on something else, loud when I want to just let it get to me and dissociate

34) Am I excited for anything?

My binder!!! I want That,,, also, the things I ordered for me and a friend, my date tomorrow, meeting my friends on Tuesday (maybe), and on a long-term, I think starting school again, moving out and maybe traveling a lil.

36) How often do I wear a fake smile?

I think I do it a lot, especially if I'm not getting something or just want to be nice. Honey I work in customer service, being nice is part of my contract

38) What do I think about most?

If I made/am making the right choices.

41) Do I perfer talking on the phone or video chatting online?

I think video chatting is nicer bc u don't just hear people, you can also see their faces and therefore interpret their words better

43) Do I believe in magic?

No fam

44) Do I believe in luck?

Uhhh I don't think so? I just think things have consequences and everything is interconnected. I believe in happy coincidences.

47) Do I have any nicknames?

Vicki, Vic, Viku, Vee, Vitya, Shinai (notice how one of these doesn't fit w the rest) and yeah I guess Vamos

53) What's my favorite word?

Maybe szerelmeskedés (it's hungarian for lovemaking, but we have two words for love: 'szeretet' which is more on the platonic side, and 'szerelem' which contains the infatuated aspect of it. The stem "love" in this word is based on the latter, whereas the more common 'szeretkezés' has the first sort of love in it)

54) My top 5 blogs on Tumblr

JUST FIVE? Ah fuck @homiro @kuwoko @transbucky @incorrectbballboys @takao-au-lait

69) Gotten my heart broken?

Several times. You know, you'd think once you get through the first couple of heartbreaks you stop hoping and harden your heart, but mine's still plenty delicate and I just...keep getting my hopes up all the time.

72) Learned another language?

Yeah I mean adgj I've been learning English for over 14 years (give or take), learned some German in first grade and high school, Latin for 4 years and French for one and a half. I also tried Russian and Swedish in duolingo but it's just not the same u know

80) What do I want for birthday?

My friends to be happy and safe.

83) Have I ever got caught sneaking out or doing anything bad?

Mmm one time we as a class got caught drinking hard liquor, we were like 14 and some of us were seriously sloshed. Like near alcohol poisoning. We were all scolded harshly lol, but as an individual I think I've evaded being caught with shit so far. Which is incredible. I did so much stupid shit

84) What I'm really bad at

I suuuck at playing the guitar. My hearing's kinda wonky anyway, so I don't even actually know if my singing voice's nice or not, but I cannot carry a tune on guitar for dear life. I've been trying to learn this song, and it's a total of 4 chords, and the progress is terrible

92) What kind of people are you attracted to?

Sweet people who turn out to be sort of damaged, uh. Tall dudes with kind smiles and ropey muscles, and every girl ever probably. I can't really explain, looking back on my dating/crushing history, I do have a range dang

105) What do you do when you wake up?

Ideally, I lay in bed for a few more hours, have some adult fun time by myself, go out of my room, get washed up, make coffee, eat breakfast, get dressed. When I don't have time to do all this, I get half-dressed, eat, wash up, and dress up the rest of the way.

107) Do you ever want to get married?

....ha. As a child of divorce, I don't exactly believe in the sanctity of marriage, but like dude, who knows what will I think when I get there with a partner.

112) Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?

Some do, when there's willingness to change and grow. But it's better to be wary if you do grant them second chances, because they might go down the same path unconsciously - sometimes it's just all they know, you know?

113) Do you smile at strangers?

Yeah, at everyone who seems nice to me. Shit, I do fake-smile a lot.

115) Ever wished you were someone else?

Only pfff all the time?

118) Ever won a competition? For what?

I don't think I have, but we did get a gold medal with our drama club at senior year of high school at a big nationwide event. I mean, we weren't the only one with a gold, it didn't exactly mean first place, but it was stil very cool!!

132) Do you type fast?

I think so, yes? One time my brother's best friend asked me about how fast I typed so I opened a new Facebook post and typed "[his name] is a butthole that's how fast" and he laughed sgfjd

135) Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt?

*aggressively sighs* YEAh a lot of folks okay!! I'm sensitive and I feel a lot

136) Is cheating ever okay?

No. It isn't.

137) Do you believe in true love?

I mean, I want to, but I think my ability to fall for someone in a matter of seconds kind of cheapens the whole love thing for me. I believe it exists, and that it's out there, but knowing it is and believing that I won't really experience it makes me really sad.

#ask and i shall answer #long post #meiyanaalexia #i'd reread but its so late and my eyes are tired just looking at this #holy fuck i wrote a lot #i even typed out the questions by hand instead of copy pasting #but yeah anyway its late im pining this was a good distraction thank

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homiro · 4 months

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[Image ID: Screenshot of Quora answer that reads.

I'm autistic. Why are neurotypicals allowed to hurt my feelings, but when I retaliate everyone defends them?

Yeah I can relate. The underlying issue is that there are “socially acceptable” ways to hurt people which NTs know the codes to do. If you do the same thing but “too directly” it’s then considered “you’re a bad person”. There’s also this completely pointless system of implicitly defined social power structure. So depending on where you are, they are also cleared by others to do some terrible things. I think it’s because most NTs are not as observant about what’s actually happening, so they just follow whoever was able to make them feel good/trusts regardless of what actually is happening. I’ve seen at least 2 literal sociopaths executing those things but when I tried to protect others from them, I ended up being the one “punished”. It’s really weird and not fair, but that’s unfortunately how it works in majority NT environments. Unless you can outwit them, I’d advise just stay away. End ID]

I know this is quora but uh... It makes so much sense literally it all clicked together. This person cracked the code and this is soothing to know I'm not alone in this. Why I'm immediately jumped while everyone else gets coddled when they're absolutely horrible to me. If I retaliate I'm automatically the bad guy and the villain and an awful person but NTs are just poor little babies who did nothing wrong even when they do everything to hurt me lol guess I don't fucking want to know the code because I'm not a lying piece of shit like them.

#homiro said some shit #actually autistic #actually neurodivergent #anti nts #fuck them #mandatory not all nts but somehow always an NT #neurodivergence #ableism #autism

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homiro · 4 months

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Honestly when you are neurodivergent like actually and for real not because you read some article online and want to be "spicy" sometimes you experience something really bad called rejection sensitive dysphoria and that's wildly misunderstood as most things neurodiverse are like it's not like we can't be rejected or criticised without having a full body reaction it's that our brains don't process that as helpful and the emotions that come with it are overwhelming and hard to manage and instead we take it as a rejection of us as people and as an overall failure instead of it being just about whatever we did and that makes us want to disappear like we won't go after you to make you like us or what we did but it causes us to feel so bad that we just want to die and I don't think NTs understand that it doesn't mean we think we don't deserve the criticism. That's the problem. We do. It's like hearing our own thoughts echoed back to us that's why it's so bad. And of course as with everything related to neurodivergence I speak for myself only though I know some people will relate

#homiro said some shit #neurodiversity #actually autistic #actually neurodivergent #rejection sensitive dysphoria #actually adhd

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homiro · 2 months

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Flowers

#flowers #spring #cottagecore #lmao sounds hilarious because this is in my grandma's yard which is right next to her house where i live #but it fits #cottage aesthetic #rural #water well #tho it never had water and it's filled with dirt and debris lol #photography #helppp yeah i guess it is #homiro said some shit #my photos

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homiro · 5 months

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Writing two fanfics for a fanbase that treated me like shit, called me names, called my writing bad, called me stupid and immature because I reacted to their abuse, over a fanfic they didn't read, like:

#homiro said some shit #clown #top gun #hangster #lol #i don't care honestly after the shit i was called?? there aren't many more insults these gatekeeping illiterate assholes can hurl at me #but i am a clown #a masochistic one

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homiro · 1 month

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Hi, you're free to scroll past but I need help again. I am a level 2 autistic trans guy and need support from my family, who isn't very supportive of my identity and thinks my health can be fixed with a salt bath and praying but I need money for therapy and my medication. As much as I don't want to be alive, I must stay for brother, if anyone.

I'm sorry I'm so negative. I'm desperate. I don't have any real talents and the only thing I can offer in return are fanfics and proofreading.

If you have anything to spare, my coffee is silverfurioso and my pal of pay is pay/pal(.)me/forestfish (without the brackets and dashes, just in case i don't know how this site acts with posts like this. There is a link in my bio to a carrd.

I don't need much more than 50 euros. That would cover the meds, trips and therapy fee which is already low because I am poor, obviously. I am very tired of this life of constant struggle and being unable to find a stable job that accommodates my needs and always getting either noes or static silence from potential employers.

Thank you in advance and if you can't donate please share. That's all.

#homiro said some shit #asking for help #trans #queer #actually autistic #struggling #medical emergency

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homiro · 9 months

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So, I wrote this Hangster thing. Read the tags and the notes and make sure to read the whole thing and don«t be this fucking bitch.

I'm spoiling, but literally the whole fucking point of the first chapter is that it's bad and not funny and literally inexcusable. This piece of shit literally commented not five minutes after I posted the fucking thing (literally didn't read lol) and now I want to delete it. Honestly, if this fucker sees this, go fuck yourself.

I already ddin't want to post it because I feel like everything I do is shit and of course, shit like this has to happen because I can't fucking have a second of peace.

#homiro said some shit #fanfiction #top gun fanfiction #hangster #vent #top gun fandom #top gun maverick #i really know no fucking peace #fucking hell

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homiro · 2 months

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Comissions for Fanfiction: OPEN

I know I'm a nobody and mediocre at writing, but would anyone be interested in commissioning me fanfics for like five euros/dollars/pounds? I know the value isn't the same but it's close enough for me not to care. I really need money to pay for medication and therapy and trips to the city to get said therapy. The fiver would be for anything from 1k to 5k words. Anything longer would go up to +1 per 1k words. I sell it cheap because it's low quality stuff, you know like those shitty bracelets that are dirt cheap and break at the smallest breeze? Yeah that's the vibe.

Ao3 users are ForestFish and HopeaLumi. I would post the prompts in the first one, which is kind of a side account that I got because I wanted to transfer one fanfic from my main to another account.

Anyway. Feel free to check my stuff, maybe have a gander through the shorter fics to see how I write, but if you want it in a different narrative tense (e.g. present tense), style (e.g. poetic prose), etc., I can also do that).

If you're interested shoot me a message via chat or something and we can discuss the details. I can write for any fandom. Just tell me what characters you want and how YOU personally would like them written and/or how you perceive them.

I will tag all the things I've written for through the years and well, hope. That's all I can do. Hope.

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homiro · 21 days

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Every day it gets harder to survive honestly I'm so tired and I swear I'm trying but instead of therapist appointments I get bills to pay and therapists who tell me 'you look so much better!' because I don't trust them and keep masking and they're not trained to tell what's real progress and what's a mask. I'm just tired

#homiro said some shit #vent #trauma #negative #mental illness #actually autistic

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homiro · 8 months

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Hey, @staff this isn't cool. To me it's fine because I'm not scared of clowns, but I know people who are. Kind of an inconsequent dumbass whimsical quirky haha move, I think

#tumblr things #homiro said some shit #clowns #coulrophobia #this site i swear #and all it does if you're filtering the tag is blur the damn thing like what the hell is this even about

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homiro · 7 months

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It's a WIP. The wig is actually not that bad for how cheap it was. Points if you knew who I was trying to cosplay before I tagged it. Added a filter because meh I didn't do make up this is also a filter. But the character only wears red lipstick and a bit of eyeliner so it works. I just don't have red lipstick lmao or eyeliner.

(pronouns are still he/him, yes. I know what I look like that's why I'm picking this cosplay. I like the character a lot also and the costume is basically just wear dark clothes and you're set so lol cheap cosplay)

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homiro · 9 months

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Vent

Honestly feeling like shit. I had one boiled egg to eat today and I can't bring myself to eat anything else which means meds on an empty stomach which is always great /s if regret killed I would be dead. Why did I write that? Why did I post it? Why didn't I ignore the hate? I know the answer to all of that but I regret everything. And I want to fucking die. There to spit out the poison and feel less like going through with it.

It's funny that people claim to be neurodiverse but when someone acts in a non palatable neurodiverse way they suddenly become hostile and say we're giving the community a bad rep. And I'm like lol what community? I never felt accepted in this alleged community because I'm unmasked and reactive and everyone wants neurodiverse people to be cute little babies who stay quiet at all times. I'm so very tired of people assuming I'm using my conditions as an excuse. Like maybe don't assume the worst in people how about that? Maybe I'm explaining why I behave a certain way and maybe it's a spectrum so just because you're a little smol uwu bean who doesn't react to anything doesn't mean everyone is like that. Some of us have anger management issues and need to be medicated to survive. Some of us don't have access to proper healthcare. So no, when I say I am neurodiverse I'm not excusing my shitty behaviour I'm explaining it but apparently the only type of neurodiversity that is allowed is the palatable yesman kind. If you're not a tame little baby you need to be eliminated.

And God do I wish I had never been born. Do I wish they'd just let me die when I wasn't born breathing instead of unclogging me. I didn't ask to be born and I hate being alive

#homiro said some shit #very negative #suicide ideation #mental health #just tagging

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homiro · 7 months

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WARNING FOR LONG POST THAT WON'T GO UNDER A BREAK. FLICK IT UP OR SCROLL PAST IF YOU DON'T WANT TO READ A MESSY FUCKING RANT ABOUT FANDOM BEHAVIOUR, ABUSE, TRANSPHOBIA, ANTI RADICAL FEMINISM AND MORE SHIT. THIS IS NOT COHERENT.

I have two hangster fanfics started but I don't feel like finishing them especially because I just keep writing and writing and making them longer and longer and like if I ever finish either of them I won't even leave the comments open if i post them and I probably would post but yeah the last piece of shit i wrote was met with nothing but insults and animosity so im like still very angry about that. like the least horrible of the THREE assholes who decided that insulting me was something they had the right to do instead of just saying 'your tags are wrong, fix them' tried to go on about oh you leave comments open so you're open to criticism uwu and girl criticism is basically tearing someone to shreds so if i don't want your damn critiques what makes you think that I want to be insulted? where did i say that i had a degradation kink? so yeah, i have a very bad impression of this fanbase. it seems very clique-y to me and it's funny because it's a minuscule fanbase no matter what this user tried to say I'm not stupid and making a single fanfic a series to crank up the number of fics isn't as sleek as yall think it is. like you can do it i'm not judging but don't tell me 'um akshully this is a super popular shipppp' like yeah within a fandom with maybe 1000 active users maybe lol and I'm just in a I want to fucking speak up about EVERYTHING mood and I'm tired of always being shut down, lectured, insulted, and treated like shit and expected to just be 'the bigger person' motherfucker no. i am 166cm tall that's 5'6'' or some shit I don't know american, that's not very big is my point so i won't be the bigger person and ignore and delete and blah blah. WRITING IS MY HOBBY AND WHEN YOU COME FOR IT, FOR THE THING THAT HAS KEPT ME MILDLY SANE SINCE I WAS FUCKING 7, WE HAVE A PROBLEM. no, i don't care that i write like shit. it's free. i do it for free because i like to do it. it's the only way i can express myself and even there i get shut down and mocked because im mediocre in everything i fucking do, thanks for the reminder, it's not like my abuser didn't remind me of that for well over 20 years lol /sarcasm/ if you don't like someone's shitty writing, you have the option to click the fuck back and not being a massive piece of entitled shit. i don't know what's wrong with this fanbase honestly i have gotten hate before but never this fast and never to this scale on a stupid fucking fanfic that was very fucking clear for anyone who had taken the time to read it before telling an abuse survivor what abuse is and absolutely getting it fucking wrong lol i am proficient in 7 languages, and my preferred writing style is simple because i understand the value of being understood for more than one reason.

why do people think it's acceptable to be cunts to strangers online? if you wouldn't say the shit you say to people online to people in real life, THEN DON'T FUCKING SAY IT. and yes, i would say all of this here in real life and that is why I am typing it down. i'm literally a chronically depressed dysphoric motherfucker with generalised anxiety, cptsd and semi-functional autism, you think i wouldn't lash the fuck out in real life? you're wrong. i'm actually much worse in real life. i'm the sweetest fucking pie if you respect me but if you treat me like shit expect to get the dressing down of your fucking life or punched in the nose because sometimes i become non-verbal when angry and that's bad because i am reactive to abuse. and online that translates to not shutting up, in real life it translates to violence. but the thing is that in real life people are aware of dos and don'ts. online people just become their fucking regina george wet dream of a school bully.

and i've had fucking enough of being treated like shit. i've had enough of people thinking that being a cunt is cool or edgy. i've had fucking enough of the yes queen slay culture that sees women displaying disgusting, abusive behaviour and applauds it as something good. because 'socking it to the men'. i hate radical feminists for this reason and it's funny that their fascist ideology is spreading like a disease and nobody seems to notice, especially because the pipeline from radical feminist to trans exclusionary radical feminist is an archway not a pipeline. before you know it, you'll see trans masculine people and trans men as 'traitors' and 'wanting male privilege' and 'still women deep down' and 'still has a vagina so she's a woman'. and i'm not pulling this out of my ass, i watched this happening in real time more than once. god i'm so fucking angry i'm just vomiting all the shit that's been pissing me off for months. and i'm talking about this because this shit is so prevalent and commonplace that i, who have been sure that I want to go through with fully transitioning, have been reconsidering because of the insidious hateful comments from terfs/radfems and casual sympathisers with the ideology of those people and the dysphoria i've been feeling has been making me want to wear an actual literal mask outside and carry a fucking fake sword in a scabbard so that nobody will approach me. i have isolation tendencies that are very strong and have been with me since i can remember and i can remember as far back as 4 years old. and then i have to see these fuckers try to find 'articles' to support their hatred and bigotry when they are the literal reason why we fucking kill ourselves and just put up with feeling miserable and don't transition. i don't want to be even more ostracised and treated like shit. i don't want to be even more treated like i'm holding an unpinned grenade just because i don't want to put up with people who insult me and make me feel bad and react to that and fight back. i don't have self-esteem, i fucking hate myself, i feel like ripping my body to shreds every damn day and then i have to work from home the shitty jobs i can do that barely pay for my meds and definitely don't pay for therapy because being around people and too much stimuli makes me shutdown like to the point where i can't speak. So you see the issue maybe idfk that I come online to unwind and write shit as a hobby and mind my damn business and take the time to say look I have these issues and people see that list as 'oh look an easy target for my being a cunt wet dreams because this one will react and I'll seem like a saint! UWU'

and why did this have to involve this ship from top gun? well, because i liked the ship, i wanted to write for it, because writing is my hobby, and what i got was abuse lol and then gaslit into thinking it wasn't abuse and that i had to accept being called names lol 'oh there are no victims uwu i will concede that insulting you was not very nice uwu' but i didn't get a single fucking apology i had to apologise because i was triggered since i couldn't actually do anything and im always ALWAYS on my own even if i cry for help, it never comes, no matter what's fucking happening. even friends just say oh well i didn't see that so oopsie daisy sorry you felt bad and nobody defended you as as been the norm your entire life' like i'm just fucking TIRED. i'm tired of never being good enough. im tired of my friends never having my back. i'm tired of only being told oh actually you weren't wrong when it's already over and i'm already feeling like shit mentally and can't cope with the ruminating feelings of being perpetually misunderstood, mediocre, and alone. 'oh having to stand up for yourself makes you stronger uwu' fuck you a million fucking times. no it doesn't. it makes you paranoid, it makes you isolate, it makes it hard for you to maintain friendships, it makes you a loner, it makes you depressed because you're not supposed to be alone because humans are social animals. and i guess that's the bottom line lol i feel utterly and completely fucking alone. the only person i regularly see and talk to is my brother who also has cptsd and is autistic like me lol obviously we grew up in the same shitty environment and these things tend to be hereditary so yeah i have to mask even with him because he's almost 11 years younger than me and is going through that early 20s phase of your life where you're just lost and don't know what you want and feel bad and as the older sibling i feel that it's my duty to try and pretend not to feel as bad as i do but it's getting harder and harder and im not putting this under a read more break. happy fucking mental health awareness day. enjoy your nothingburger posters and yellow pins of performativity.

rant over.

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homiro · 7 months

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'It's all a dream.'

What do we think of my Julia cosplay? It's mostly complete, I just need to find my dark long coat and I'm set lol it's weird to cosplay like this because I feel like that's not even me and while in costume that's not me and that's odd but not in a bad way. And yes, a friend sponsored the contact lenses lol my eyes are very dark brown irl

#homiro said some shit #julia cowboy bebop #cosplay #julia cosplay #spike x julia #cowboy bebop #queer #tho i ship her with spike but that's irrelevant #selfies #it's one am and this is what I'm doing lol #weird mood all around #sapphic #the user the character maybe idk i never asked that one either lol #trans #did you know that feminine guys exist even when they're trans lol #no im not letting that one go #he him pronouns for the user she her for the character

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homiro · 7 months

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I liked strange way of life especially because of the surprising Portuguese song at the beginning but I thought it was supposed to be a response to brokeback mountain? Not another angst fest? The dilfs didn't even kiss so like tf is this honestly the plot was flimsy we get nothing from their pasts aside from some younger selves kissing with wine and shit and then it ends like that and it just feels incomplete?? Is this a series or what? It didn't feel like it so I'm just... eh soube a pouco a muito pouco não soube a quase nada honestamente

#strange way of life #homiro said some shit #strange way of life spoilers

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