#he KNOWS what he’s capable of and it’s both his greatest burden and greatest strength | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

sukirichi · 2 years

Text

[ DUSK ‘TILL DAWN : 003 ]

“we who bear the burden of the crown do not need to love. you only need to stay here, with me, in power, in greed, in lust – in victory.”

c/w. fem! reader. modern royal au. infidelity. angst. romance. minimal fluff for this chapter. toxic characters. implications of gaslighting. misogyny. unedited bcos we go down like brave souls. suna is sometimes called suna and then rintaro just bcos.

notes. reblogs / feedbacks / comments are appreciated. late update but HAPPY NEW YEARS!!

MORE IMPORTANT NOTE. it may seem like a filler chapter but i had to get this in there!! it’s their wedding on the next chapter and i needed to slowly transition it there hehe

series masterlist | next

[ THREE ] you make me so happy, it turns back to sad. there’s nothing i hate more than what i can’t have.

For the long time that Suna had known you, not once did he see it coming from a mile away that you would be capable of offending the Princess.

You were but a sweet, soft-spoken, and shy woman who could barely look him in the eye. Your unresisting nature was your greatest strength. If not for that, if not for the sliver of attraction Suna held for you and your alluring ways of peering up at him under your lashes so innocently it brought heat to loins, he might not have even cared much about your existence.

He chose you because he was certain you would not dare lay a hand on his true lover, yet here he was. Aggressively striking against the ball with a firm grip on his club that it flew high up in the sky, shooting off way past the hole. Oh, how mistaken he had been.

How could it have not crossed his mind that his pretty, tamed fiancé could ever have such sharpened edges?

Behind him, the twins lowly whistled in humor.

The Crown Prince had never missed a shot.

Eyes narrowed under his flat cap, he placed a hand on his hips, unable to stop himself from blurting, “Her Lady keeps surprising me with each day. I may dare even say she is close to fucking with my head.”

The blond twin snickered. Trudging past Suna, he bent his knees and carefully swung the club. “Yeah? What did she do, write you a poem or something? She does not seem like the type of person to do that, but seeing as she is so hopelessly in love with you, she might just ask Shinsuke how to write one. Lady Yuzuru is hopelessly in love with you, Your Highness. It is avidly entertaining.”

“Speaking of poems, how are things with Airi? Is she not the muse of all your creations?”

Their other brother, Prince Shinsuke, who had kept quiet in his spot ever since they arrived at the scene, stiffened.

“Osamu!” scolded Princess Iris with a hiss, sending a wary glance over a tense Shinsuke. The latter eventually released an exhale as he carried on with his game, but even Suna knew his brother had been shaken by the mere mention of her name. “You mustn’t speak of that name. What if Her Majesty or the servant overhears? You know we cannot risk accidentally leaking secrets.”

Shinsuke swung his club. The ball, too, went flying up in the air, causing Suna to raise a brow at his brother.

Very rarely did Shinsuke lose his composure, but he supposed even the Princes were not immune to the weakness women had on them. Admittedly so, Suna understood him. They were both respectable Princes with a name and reputation to uphold, yet they had fallen in love with women who they could never be with apart from hiding behind the scenes – Shinsuke with a servant assigned to his quarters and care, and Suna with his brother’s wife.

“Oh, are you concerned for our brother, Iris?” challenged Osamu, who was much too content sitting on the golf cart with his arms behind his head. “Afraid that you might experience the dire consequences of forbidden royal relationships as well? The Lady does seem troublesome when trifled with. God only knows what that pretty face is capable of when nobody is looking.”

Suna scoffed, “My fiancé is not troublesome.”

As soon as he said those words, Princess Iris snapped her head at him. Suna could not understand why he looked away and avoided her questioning gaze, opting to focus on his goal instead.

But he was not wrong. He knew you. You were far from being troublesome, and he would be damned if he let his idiotic brothers talk about you as if they were acquainted with you.

From the moment Suna decided to push through with his plan of finding himself a wife, he made it his mission to steer you clear from his brothers. They were far too loose-lipped. Too unpredictable and mischievous that he could not guarantee they would drunkenly whisper to you the true nature of your relationship, or worse, scare you off into the ugly faces the royals wore under prestigious, golden masks that you would never look back his way.

He could not afford that to happen.

If unrealistically perfect was what he needed to be just to make you want him, then so be it. Suna would be everything you wanted as long as it ensured you stayed.

Shrugging in agreement to his twin, Atsumu licked his teeth. “You never know that, brother. You ought to keep her under control. Women are dangerous and cunning when placed in a position with power, much less when blinded by the treachery of love,” he remarked, and Suna could trust Atsumu’s knowledge when it came to women. He and his brother were most infamous for their...dating reputations. “But you chose well, brother. For a warlord’s daughter, Lady Yuzuru is rather easy to tame. I can only imagine how it is to break such a darling, airheaded little thing.”

Suna laughed, unimpressed.

Craning his head to his brother, he sneered, “You talk as if you know my woman, Atsumu. You have never even had a decent, intelligent conversation with her as she is years ahead of you in knowledge, so you are greatly mistaken in claiming her as such. My woman is nothing close to being a darling, airheaded little thing.”

Osamu guffawed from the cart, slapping his knees and bending forwards. “Your woman?” he echoed, smirking at Iris who was rolling her eyes at his taunts. “I would be careful with my words if I were you, Your Highness. You ought not to forget your true woman is right here with us. Minus the husband, as usual.”

Glancing at Iris, Suna’s eyes softened, his lips tugging into a smile.

She was wallowing the moment she missed a goal and clicked her tongue, a sound of surprise leaving her lips when Suna suddenly wrapped an arm around her frame. “Do not get jealous, angel,” he reassured, leaving kisses all over her warm cheeks. “You know she will never compare to you.”

Iris scoffed. “Well, how am I to feel? I am the one you love but the one unmarried.”

“Oh, but you are married – to our worst brother, no less!” cackled a loud Atsumu, “I truly pity you, Princess. You and Maiko both are pitiful, but then I look at Rintaro’s fiancé and cannot help but feel sick to my stomach. Heaven knows what the girl would feel should she find out about your… affairs.”

Iris’ face darkened. She, too, could not disagree with Suna’s previous statement about you.

“She is a smart woman, indeed, far smarter than I originally gave her credit for. I have a distasteful feeling she knows.”

“She does not,” pulling her closer to him by the waist, Suna spun Iris around and kissed her flat on the lips. She tastes of strawberries and smells vanilla-like always, putting a smile on his face when the scent of his beloved soothed all his jittery nerves. He could feel her smiling as well, a warm, fluttery feeling spreading over his chest until he remembered how you greatly offended her. The thought of it left a bitter taste. “Has she apologized to you? She better have, or I will do something she may hate if she does not take accountability for offending my lover.”

Iris gasped. “Is that why she was glaring at me yesterday? Did you tell her to apologize to me?”

“I did. Fiancé or not, I will not let it slip when someone speaks to you rudely.”

Iris gently slapped his chest. “Your Highness, you mustn’t! What if she gets the wrong idea? I may be the one you love, the one who owns your heart whole, but she will be future Queen to the Kingdom,” she stated with fear written all over her face, which was soon replaced with a defeat he never knew Iris was capable of feeling. “I am but an unloved Princess forced into marriage to stop our countries going to war with one another. I will always lose against her, Your Highness. You cannot give her more reasons to dislike me when I already find it difficult to get along with her.”

While she was not wrong, Suna could not dare lower his pride and let you trample all over Iris for that fact.

“She may be the future Queen of our people, but you are the beloved of their future King. Lady Yuzuru is merely a woman united to me for political stability. She will never sway my heart. You need not compete with somebody not charming enough to catch my attention in the first place was I not placed in a desperate position to find a spouse.”

His words, for some unknown reason, left a bitter taste in his tongue.

“Well, brother, if you do get tired of her, share her with us, yeah?” interrupted an Atsumu, who of course was not the least bothered over the tension hanging over the air. “Uptight bitches who preach about chastity and nobility will always have the nastiest moans guaranteed to make me blow a load. You would not mind, would you? Just one night with–”

“Careful there, Atsumu. You do not want to trespass into uncharted territory.”

The raven-haired twin’s eyes widened. “Aw, is our brother protective of his dear fiancé? This is getting interesting,” he wiggled his eyebrows at Iris, hopping off the cart and whispering close to Iris’ ears with his arm wrapped around her shoulders. “Keep your man in close watch. The Lady must have some real tight cunt to make him defend her. ‘Seems like Rintaro does give a shit, after all.”

“Do not touch the Princess—”

“Have we really become so deranged we speak of our family’s women – no, women as a whole – in this manner?” spoke up a frowning Shinsuke, abandoning his club inside his bag before glaring at his brothers. “With such distaste? With such ridicule? Are we not Princes respected for our fair treatment to the people, and yet my own brothers view their brother’s wives like they are nothing but meat?” he shook his head disappointedly before sending a pointed gaze to Suna’s way. “The entire palace knows about your affairs, Your Highness. There are eyes and ears everywhere. People are bound to talk. We cannot always simmer down the fire once it reaches past the kitchen into the public. Think of how the people would react. You and your brother’s wife—it would tarnish everyone’s names.”

Suna scoffed. “I have been with Iris for five years and neither news nor tabloids reported any of it. I would not worry too much about others’ affairs when I, too, am fooling around with someone whom they are not supposed to be with. Airi was her name, was it?”

“Her Highness is a married woman; married to our brother of all people. Airi is a maiden—”

“Airi is a maid,” insisted Suna in a mocking tone as he stalked towards his upright, always morally correct brother. With each step closer to him, Suna poked a finger in Shinsuke’s chest. “Your woman is a lowborn, no name staff whose deeds cannot even be bothered to be recorded in the history books. Mine may be scandalous, but yours is disappointing. There is a huge difference between the women we love.”

Unwavering, Shinsuke never lowered his head from the Crown Prince’s challenging eyes.

“Indeed, we are not the same. For even when I am harboring feelings for somebody the Queen might not approve of, I am not ruining anybody’s marriage or potentially threatening the safeguard of our name. Look down on Airi all you want merely for her lack of birthrights in our selfishly privileged world. You would never be half the person she is when it comes to kindness. I am nothing like you when it comes to potentially staining our honorable name.”

In the background, the twins huddled closer in an escalation of their debate. Iris merely stood in confusion of whether she would stop the Princes from fighting, but all was late when Suna’s smile stretched into a grin.

“It is not your name, Shinsuke, it is mine. You are a Kita, I am a Suna—the true and only heir to Inarizaki. Do pray tell, why are you so trifled with my affairs, hm? Where is the sin in loving those who desperately need it? You cannot even bring Kiyoomi into this argument, not when he leaves his wife alone for weeks, does not touch her, and does not even converse with her! The Princess is nothing more than a doll sitting pretty in that manor of theirs, shriveling and waiting to receive the love her husband was supposed to give her!”

Iris reached out to grab Suna’s bicep. “Rintaro, please, stop–”

“–But you are not her husband. It is not your responsibility to provide her with the affection she may need. Nobody asked you to come sweeping her off her feet. You are no knight in shining armor and the Princess is not a damsel in distress. You are a Prince with an obligation to his Kingdom and a fiancé to your woman—none of these titles entrusted you with giving a married woman a comfort to her loneliness.”

“Who will, then?” pressed a fuming Suna, shaking off Iris’ hold on him. “Her guards? Her riding instructors? Their trusted right-hand man? Perhaps one more of our brothers since Tooru cannot keep his hands to himself? Our bastard of a brother has already spoken disrespectfully over my bride!”

The slightest twitch in Shinsuke’s brow already spoke milestones of the rage he must be feeling inside.

“Instead of turning your attention to the Princess, have you ever thought about what Lady Yuzuru might be feeling? You lie at her face. You tell her you love her when you do not mean a single word of it. Every day, the throne pressures you to provide an heir, yet you refuse to fulfill your duty all because—”

“You are not even a Prince with rank. You have no right to be giving me political advice on how I should deal with my affairs. Would you rather me impregnate a woman purely for that reason? To father a child I was not ready to have? To bear such the burden of the Crown onto a young boy who was born not because his parents wanted to love him, but rather because I am someone who ‘had to fulfill my duty’? I told you. I will not give her a child right away when I am not ready. Our time to be parents has not come yet, not when I am still planning how to make this marriage a victory. I may be an asshole to Lady Yuzuru, but I am not inhumane enough to knock her up right away just to get this all over with.”

Shinsuke remained unfazed.

Releasing his hands curled into fists, the Third Prince exhaled. “Sometimes a future King must be heartless to carry the duties entrusted to him.”

“And sometimes a lowly Prince must be smart enough to turn away from matters that do not concern him, lest he wishes to be exiled from the only place that puts food in his mouth,” dropping his club on the grass, Suna turned on his heel. “Let us go, Iris. I have lost my desire to play.”

The Crown Prince left his brothers without another word.

He could not bear to look Shinsuke in the eye for one more minute of his life. He never got along with him in the first place, whatnot with unidentified rumors and whispers of a potential party willing to protest to put Shinsuke in the spot for Crown Prince. As if Suna did not have enough to deal with, his insecurities regarding his capability to be King ate away at him.

He admitted that Shinsuke would be a far greater King than him. His brother was nothing short of intelligent, compassionate to a fault, and far more humble compared to the stoic Ushijima.

But Suna would not easily let go of the throne—not when it was his only ticket to providing freedom for him and Iris.

The said Princess hurried to catch up to him, latching a hand in his bicep to stop the Prince from entering the car. “What does Prince Shinsuke speak of, Rintaro? What did he mean by you would not give the Lady children? You promised. It is your duty, whether we both like it or not. And you have already touched her, Your Highness. If you do not give her a child, the throne would only pressure you more to surrender the crown to—”

“One thing at a time, Iris!” he snapped, taking both him and her by surprise. “I have already proposed to her out of desperation to make you mine. Do not shove to me another responsibility that I have to fulfill. I am already questioning my sanity each fucking hour I spend with her! Being groom, future King, and a man devising all these plots to legalize his relationship with his woman all at the same time is not as easy as you make it out to be!”

Iris chuckled sardonically, arms crossed on her chest. “Questioning your sanity? You have been fooling the poor girl for two years. Why are you hesitating now when your wedding is merely a few days away?”

“Because she does not deserve this!” Suna heaved. Running a hand through his hair, he caught a glimpse of his wedding ring, remembering the way you slid off his lap the other night with disappointment and hurt all over your eyes when he asked you to apologize to Iris. Suna was aware he was contradicting himself.

He hated people slandering Iris, yet he also hated the guilt creeping upon him in the knowledge he made you upset over the same person he promised to defend until the end.

Suna shook his head. He really was truly going insane. “She…She is a good person, Iris. I never wanted to lie to her and hurt her like this.”

“Then what do we do? Are you going to give up on me?”

“Must I really hurt an innocent person to make you mine?”

Iris released her arms, gaze flittering down to the ring sitting so comfortably in both of their fingers—a symbol of the sacred vows they broke and would continue to be disloyal to.

“Only you can answer that, Your Highness. Just do not come crying to me when your plans fail, because, for the record, I told you we would not work out. I told you we could not be. But I was in love, and you were impatient. It was you alone who decided to bring her into this, and I was hopeful enough that maybe we could work out. I hoped to be freed from the shackles of this suffocating misalliance between me and your brother,” she articulated with both the dignity of a Princess and the desperation of a woman in love, “You have reached this far, Your Highness. You cannot back out now. If Her Lady truly loved you, she would learn to forgive you for your deceitfulness.”

Suna, with horror draining the color from his cheeks, was frozen to the spot.

There he watched the love of his life walk away—dark hair and tan skin fading from his view with each crunch of her shoes against the grass resonating in his ears. It scratched the insides of his skin, pushing him to move. To run after her, to hopelessly chase after something that was not his until she was in his arms again, eyes the shade of the warm earth he spent many days holding her, lips slightly apart the color of the disbelief spread across his face.

“Iris.”

He said more than her name. She could tell—he was pleading, begging for her to stay. His eyes said it all and she softened, reaching up to caress his cheek until Suna was melting from one touch.

“I am sorry. I did not mean to be so harsh to you. I...I do not know what came over me.”

Rintaro was babbling at this point. All the composure and regality expected of a Crown Prince disappeared when Iris smiled up at him fondly. But instead of feeling comforted, he heard the edges of his heart crack a little deeper at the sight of melancholy and pity in her eyes. He knew what was to come next, what Iris would tell him like she always reminded him.

And although he’d heard it more than a thousand times that he grew sick and tired of it, it always felt like the first time.

“—You hurt because you keep chasing after someone who is not yours, Rintaro. If you had let me go from the beginning...if you had never told me you loved me, we would not have to be here.”

“But you would have been miserable spending the rest of your life with my brother,” he defended, voice wavering and his quivering fingers on top of hers turning cold. Rintaro had no idea whether he was convincing Iris or himself, that they could work out, that everything would turn out as perfectly as planned, that he could go against fate and fight for her. Is that not what love was? What kind of love would it have been if he did not fight for it, if he did not remain devoted to her until the end and kept his word? What kind of love would it have been if he was not foolish enough to defy the customs and risk everybody’s disapproval if it meant he was true to his feelings?

What kind of love would it be if he did not go through hell and back for her—over and over again—even if the fire was slowly licking up at his feet and scalding his skin, burning him raw until he was near skins and bones?

The truth was that Iris understood.

Iris understood perfectly well that Rintaro was passionate to a fault.

She felt grateful he would do anything for her, would burn the world for her, and put everything at stake if it meant making her happy. But if the cost was his misery, his conscience eating away at him—because heartless as he may be for lying to you, he was still human and stayed awake at night beating himself over it—was it really worth it?

She did not want to be that kind of ‘love’ for him. She wanted to be like a bed of flowers that caressed his exhausted body at the end of the day, to be a warm blanket accompanying him to protect him from nightmares, to be the soft pair of lips he would kiss and give sweet confessions to.

Iris never wanted to be the woman he lost everything for. True, Rintaro did not regret any of the choices he made because to him, she was worth it, but she could see.

She was not blind. She knew her lover perfectly well.

As the days grew closer where Rintaro was soon to be somebody else’s husband, his guilt slowly began to eat away at him. He grew nervous. Shattering piece by piece, anxious that one wrong move and he would lose her. He loved her so much that his greatest fear of not being with Iris deluded him out of the happy and secure future you could have given him, all wasted and thrown to the side because Iris was the center of his world.

His feelings for her blinded him from seeing what was right in front of him.

“Rintaro, listen—”

“I do not regret it,” he cut her off, circling his fingers around her wrist to bring her closer. Placing her palms on his chest, Rintaro let Iris feel his heartbeat pounding her name until the day he died. “I do not care if I hurt. I do not care that I could possibly lose everything and hurt someone else – I love you. That is all that matters to me. I would do everything for you, Iris. So please, do not push me away. Allow me the honor to love you, because that is all I ever wanted to do. Please, Iris. Let me fight for us.”

“Even if it slowly kills you on the inside?”

“Beloved,” Rintaro smiled softly while fighting back the tears springing forth, “The true death is when I wake up and you are not there with me anymore. Believe me. I have been there. I have nearly lost you once. I will not let that happen again.”

Rintaro was on cloud nine.

He and Iris had spent the entire night together, tangled in the sheets and her tracing circles on her chest while he ran his fingers through her hair. They talked until the sun rose about their dreams. How Iris cooed that they would have beautiful children, and they decided on the names. Iris wanted a girl and a boy. One that looked like her, and one that looked like him. Perhaps in a faraway place, they would not have to be burdened with the Crown, and they could live on a quiet farm someplace in the countryside. Of course, they both knew it was impossible.

Rintaro could never truly strip himself of his title, for being a royal was who he truly was, and neither could Iris live a different life when her parents watched her like a hawk.

Fate was not kind to them. They were two souls who had fallen in love in the wrong society, imprisoned by rules that hung a noose around their neck, forcing them to look away from each other the moment they stepped out their doors. It was an unfortunate thing that Rintaro would have been fateful against the world had Iris not shown him the beauty of being human.

For him, for now, Rintaro felt content with being in love. It was better to have Iris at an arm’s length away than not have her at all, and so with a heavy heart, he eventually had to let his lover go. Time was up, and she had to return to Belleview Manor before Kiyoomi came home.

Rintaro was too engrossed in the lingering scent of Iris’ shampoo on his skin that he strode out of his room the next morning with a silly smile on his face.

His hands itched just thinking about when would be the next time he saw Iris, how his heart would feel at home once again if they met up in the castle tower and he pointed to her the stars he stared at often as a child. She would hold his hand, she would look up at him like he hung the moon for her – which he would – and it would feel like freedom. It would feel like they were never born the way they were with all the titles and laws making it a sin to love another.

However, fate had to keep Rintaro humbled. He was not allowed to reach too much for the stars lest he fell from such a great height and destroyed himself. As if the world played a humorless trick on him, you showed up out of nowhere, looking gorgeous and smelling divine as you always had been.

But out of it all, your eyes filled with love and smile so bright upon seeing him was the one that twisted his insides uncomfortably.

“Your Highness. I have not been informed you’d already arrived last night,” you noted in his crumpled sleepwear, gaze traveling from down his face and to his collarbones before you released a muted, relieved sigh. Curtsying, you stepped forward and began to brush his bangs out of his face, calloused hands from years of military training smoothing over his collar. “Did you have fun playing with your brothers?”

“I did,” he answered, feeling all sorts of warm and guilty when your touch lingered on the skin of his neck. Thankfully, Rintaro had nothing to worry about. Iris had never kissed him anywhere other than the lips the night before, the both of them too tired to make love. “Did you wait long enough for me?”

“Time is no matter. I would wait for you even if it took forever.”

Just like that, the guilt he felt formed a lump in his throat. You were still so loyal, so openly affectionate as if he had just not hurt your feelings. “My Lady, about the other night—”

“I will apologize to Princess Iris.”

All the speech Rintaro prepared in that split second stopped in the middle of the page, his eyes doing a double-take at your well-hidden grimace. He could not understand why you would apologize when your face showed dread the moment he had asked you to do so.

“Wait…are you serious? What could be the reason, my love?”

You shrugged, finishing off the dusting gestures to his collar. “I notice there has been some tension between us after I left your study that night. You must have been upset and disappointed at me for hurting someone you care about, so I will apologize to the Princess. If it will make you come back home to me again…then I will apologize.”

No matter how hard you tried to hide the trembling of your fingers behind your back, Rintaro caught quick notice of it, leading him to blurt, “Don’t.”

“Pardon?”

“You do not need to apologize to Her Highness,” the words left his mouth in such a hurry, but he kept going on before you could pitch a word on. You were confused, that he was sure of, but neither could he explain when he also felt the same way. “She is a grown woman. I am sure she will have forgiven you already without an apology – the Princess is not the type to hold grudges anyway.”

You forced out a laugh. “You were quite adamant I apologized, Your Highness. What caused the sudden change of mind?” you looked at him then, eyes softening with worry and taking in the creases forming on his head. “Is there something you wish to tell me, Your Highness? You have been…distracted and distant lately. I can tell when there is something on your mind.”

Rintaro’s smile wavered. You were right, there was something on his mind. Or rather someone, which was always Iris and always will be Iris, but each time you show up right in front of him, he chokes up on what he wants to say. A part of him tries to rationalize that you are his ticket to his freedom, his winning trophy and final card in this game of choosing between the human attribute of loving or being noble and turning his heart away. It weighed on him. Heavily so. But he wanted this, did he not? He never thought twice about hurting you, or how devastated you could be once he tells you he wished to make Iris his concubine after the wedding.

He cared, but not enough to consider you. He most likely still would not consider it since he will never stop lying to you if it meant having Iris, but god.

“I guess I did not do a great job at hiding it.”

“Tell me, Your Highness. Let me share your burden with you.”

Why did you have to look at him like that? He did not deserve your kindness. He did not deserve this worry seeping from your voice or how you gently lead him onto the bungalow for privacy, hands wrapping warmly around his arm that the cracks in his heart rooted deeper than he could handle.

Why could you not hate him even a little bit? Were you really so naive he did not love you?

“My Lady, has it ever occurred to you that it pains me when you look at me like that?”

“Like what?”

“Like you are madly in love with me and need no logical reason why,” he huffed, “You are too innocent. Too kind. I fear the throne would strip that away from you and time will come you will not smile anymore. Because I confess that I am not powerful enough to shield you from the burden of being Queen. It is not something I can protect you from. So… if you are having second thoughts, if you feel you would be far happier to marry a nobleman and not a future King where you can live a life with freedom, then do say it—”

“Do you still want to get married, Your Highness?”

Rintaro halted in his rambling, mouth closing and opening before he pursed them. “Why would you ask me that? Of course I do.”

“Because it sounds to me as if you are giving me reasons to not want to marry you,” you smiled, so sweetly that he could not decipher what you could be feeling at that moment.

It made him wonder...since when had you been so good at hiding? Or was he slowly slipping away and finding it hard to see right through you?

“Should there be? Is there a reason why you are contemplating my future? Yes, you cannot shield me from the weight of the crown, but it is my choice to shoulder that with you. You are to be my husband, someone to carry burdens with, and not someone to shield me from it like I am a fragile child. Unless you cannot promise you will take care of me, love me, and make me happy as lovers should, then you should not have any reason to make me doubt our marriage.”

Rintaro felt the wind getting knocked out of his chest with each straight word coming from you. “I am afraid, My Lady.”

“Of what?”

“Of being the reason of your pain. That you might regret spending the rest of your life with me. You…you know how royal marriages are often unhappy, how my brothers feel trapped and suffocated with their wives. I fear one day we might feel the same way with one another.”

“And why is that, Your Highness? Are you saying time will come, you will no longer love me anymore?”

Rintaro bit his lip. How exactly was he supposed to say that this is him warning you that he may not be as good as you believed him to be, how a small part of him wanted to tell you the truth and hoped you would still let him be with the woman he loves? How could he be selfish when you had no ounce of it in your body?

So instead, he settled for the truth. “I want the best for you.”

“I want you,” you declared, surprising him as his heart felt a jolt. Never had you been so bold despite your apparent attraction to him.

In a way, he envied you – he hated how you could so easily declare your love to him like that when Iris had to pretend Rintaro was nothing but a brother, hated how she had more right than you did, hated how heat spread to his cheeks and his heart began to pound in his chest at the heartfelt confession.

“It is you I want, Your Highness. Not freedom. Not a simple, peaceful life. None of those mean a thing to me if you are not in it. So whether it be heaven or hell, whether it be in pain and heartbreak or love and glory, failure and victory – I want you. I will be with you. I vow to be loyal to you and be the Queen you want me to be as long as you promise to love me for the rest of our lives. Can you do that for me, Your Highness?”

No. No, Rintaro cannot love you. He wanted to, he so fucking badly wanted to purely because you were an easier choice, and his life would have been easier if he had met you earlier on. But you were not the one who owned his heart. You were not the one he would risk everything for. He did not value you enough to throw it all away, nor did he prioritize your happiness over his gain.

But he needed you – more than anybody else, you were the most important piece. He cannot love you, but he would do whatever he had been doing from the start.

Taking your hand in his, Rintaro pressed a kiss on the top of the matching bands on your fingers. “Heed my promise, My Lady. I promise I will take care of you.”

TAGLIST [ CLOSED ]

@taelia15 @gojojang @tsukkisrightpinky @rafzaha @cosmotoic @rintarovibes @kyriaan @selenelle @cuddlesslut @thatobsessedreader @boosyboo9206 @kitsu-writes @iamtheunknown @princessatoru @delicatedahlias @bokuatsubro @call-me-lulu @creepykawass @amarinthe @sunarinschuppets @coconut-dreamz @fairybnha3 @chimcrim @myhomeworksnotdone @sunaritn @redflowerinthesnow @jewlmin @seashellmichellee @sailorstrawberi @1ce-in-a-lifetime @saoney @oh-honeyz @sh4nn @sakuralikestars @cookieempress2 @lilacwh0re

357 notes · View notes

kacchananti · 3 years

Text

Deku vs. Kacchan 2

What’s very interesting about deku vs kacchan 2 is how bakugo seeked out deku specifically when he was in a place of extreme emotional turmoil. It’s interesting because at this point, bakugo still thinks deku looks down on him and he’s just waiting for an opportunity to surpass him. And obviously bakugo doesnt want deku’s comfort or sympathy, or for deku to make him feel better, yet still he seeks him out during that time and has a full fledged break down in front of him.

I already talked about how for a long time deku was the only one who saw bakugo as a person separate from his quirk, while everyone else just saw him as someone who had a flashy quirk and potential to be a hero because of it. Because of this, bakugo internalized that all of his worth comes from his quirk, from how strong he is and from what he can do, instead of who he is as a person separate from his strength and his quirk. It’s why he never allows himself to fall behind others, why he thinks that he needs to be the absolute best — because anything less means he’s weak.

This is why his strength is so important to him and why winning and coming out on top is so important. To bakugo, the greatest hero is the one who always wins in the end no matter the odds. It’s what he admired All Might for and what he strived to be.

In the conversation with deku bakugo first starts doubting his ideology of “win to save”, because Deku was acknowledged by All Might of all people, which means Bakugo’s way of admiring All Might for his victories must have been wrong.

This is also why Bakugo never learned to really process his emotions properly, because he was always basing his entire worth as a person around his quirk and being the strongest. We know already that bakugo thinks accepting help from anyone means that he’s weak, which is why he always thought that deku offering him help actually meant deku was looking down on him and mocking him.

So of course even when he’s emotionally and mentally at his lowest, bakugo still wouldnt want deku’s help. But still he sought him out in that moment, and i think it was probably *because* deku was still the only person who saw bakugo AS a person who had emotions and who needed help.

After the LOV kidnapping everyone kind of brushed bakugo’s experience off as him being strong for being able to hold out until help came. And after it, nobody really checked up on him to see if he was mentally okay. He was once again burdened with his strength instead of allowed to feel weakness.

The reason he sought deku out during DvK2 was because deku was the only person who recognized that bakugo *could* have moments of weakness and allowed him to experience those moments. He was the only one who could understand what bakugo was feeling, because he was the only one who saw beyond bakugo’s strength and his quirk and actually saw him.

Still, like i said because of his experiences bakugo never learned to properly process his emotions, and the only way he knew how to do it was through physical altercation, through his quirk. Even in DvK2 that’s what he was looking for -- he wanted a physical fight and he thought that was what he needed. In a sense it was, but what he actually needed was for someone to acknowledge that he’s capable of having emotions, he needed to feel seen and not be judged.

Deku gave him both of the things he needed in that fight -- he gave him the physical outlet bakugo thought he needed, and he gave him what he really needed, which was for his emotional turmoil to be seen and acknowledged. deku was the only one who could do that for him, because he was the only one who saw Bakugo as a person who sometimes felt weak and needed help, who wasnt always strong and invincible just because he has a strong quirk.

So despite his hostility towards deku, Bakugo felt safe with him because he knew Deku would allow him to let his emotions out and he would understand and wouldn’t judge him. Bakugo allowed deku something he never allowed anyone else, which was to see him at his weakest and most vulnerable, because even when he thought he hated him, even when he thought deku was looking down on him, a part of bakugo still trusted deku above everyone else and he was comfortable enough with deku to really let his emotions out.

#bnha #boku no hero academia #bkdk #bakudeku #mha #my hero academia #bnha analysis #bnha meta #my thoughts #old meta

145 notes · View notes

ignitification · 3 years

Text

Two Sides of the Same Coin.

So, I actually hinted at this in my Yoichi Shigaraki's post - but as I found myself thinking about it, it becomes even more clear that the parallels between Deku/Bakugou and Yoichi/2nd User are way too many to be ignored (and that at the same time, they can be applied to Deku and Shigaraki).

Now, I'd have to consider in this post that the 1st and 2nd movie are, if not canon, an alternative universe which directly links back to the main story (as we saw with the Compression Gauntlet made by Melissa in the 1st movie, and which Izuku sports in Ch. 309).

But at the same time, I am not going to mention of some implication which might be related to this post entailed the possibility of Heroes Rising and Bakugou or one of his ancestors being an OfA user because of two reasons: I. because I am not a fan of the theory and II. because as things stand now, it has little to no relevance for the post.

Now, onto the main part: if we think about it, it makes absolutely sense that a foreshadowing of the relationship between Izuku and one or both of his counterparts is shown through the Vestiges of OfA. As I already wrote in the past (and I am particularly referring to this post), the Vestiges are somehow an enclosed space where Izuku is free to explore the Consciousness of his own Quirk. At the same time, it allows him to have insight in himself and occasionally others from within the same environment. Point in case, this happens with Shigaraki - when after touching him through AfO's Quirks's wires, Shigaraki (possessed by AfO, that is) enters the Vestiges.

This narrates of the fact that, mostly - appearances are not everything. I guess, this is also why the Vestiges look like a piece of crumbled building; not only because they managed to fully shape after the power evolved - which means through Toshinori towards Izuku - but also that the Vestiges are a kind metaphor for the people inhabiting the Vestiges. If the Vestiges are a shared consciousness formed due to the embers of an identity left in it and embed with a personality before being passed, it means that there is a sort of personalisation of OfA. Well, that should have been clear when Horikoshi made Izuku develop Shoot Style, and manifest OfA in different ways from All Might - freeing Izuku form the shackles that is his admiration for the hero. But most importantly it also means that this personalisation comes from within, while the power and that is, the core and the shared value of these people, stays fundamentally the same. Which is then represented by the Vestiges. But, the fact that this Quirk Personalization makes its way through the cracks on a shared identity, is evident in the fact that every user if free to decide whether to acknowledge the other (and foremost Izuku) and what to think of the situation. As the 2nd User speaks, he is still not entirely convinced that Izuku's is the way to go (I wonder, whether the fact that Izuku cannot properly speak also depends on the fact that User 2 and 3 haven't fully accepted Izuku yet).

This brings us forward to the notion of Hero, of Saving and the 'Room'. As it is clear by the panels above, 2nd User and Izuku play the role of Saviours, offering a help which is thought maybe not needed, but it is offered all the same. It is also at the beginning of a life-long journey, even if Izuku and Bakugou's comes way much after. Yoichi considers 2nd his hero, and the initiator of the story. Bakugou considers Izuku not his hero, but at the same time - Izuku, time after time, 'saves' Bakugou and offers him a hand to get out of the room full of himself in which society closed him in. But, these consideration, in my opinion, fit more the Shigaraki and Izuku storyline.

First of all, notwithstanding everything, Shigaraki is the main 'antagonist' of the story. He's the leader of the LOV, and while not the brain of the operation, he is still the one who puts in practice. He is the one actually influenced by AfO. He is the one, again, to be closed off from the world by AfO. Same as for Yoichi - as a form of absolute control. AfO encloses in a definite space, both mentally and physically Yoichi and Tomura both. He wants from them to be dependent of him. Wants them to be grateful to him for what he has done. Because he is the one who saved them, who gave them the necessary power and helped them survive in this world. It is not a case, that looking-wise Yoichi and Tomura are so similar, especially after the 'Hibernation' Tomura went through. And this scenario also brings to mind the way Shigaraki's body gets hijacked by AfO's consciousness, and Shigaraki tries to fight it - but instead, he is put to 'sleep' and rest, as to recover - because of the amount of energy used during the battle against the heroes.

As for the Hero part played by the 2nd User in the original scenario, Izuku is the one most likely to represent it in the upcoming occasions. Lately, there has been a lot of speculations about Izuku saving or not Shigaraki (the whole Vestige talk is after all, about Shigaraki and Izuku), but in the end, as said countless times: the set up talks clearly. Izuku is dead set on offering the tentative hand to Tomura, because in the Vestiges he saw that Shigaraki Tomura is nothing else than an identity created by AfO out of spite, hatred and manipulation. It's a mask, which Tomura executes as its best capabilities.

And if Izuku, who is the one who actually puts the seed of ‘But after all, maybe, there IS something to save, if you can understand what made villains the way the are’ is, despite the double expressed by Ni-sama, the hero of this scenario - on a very evident side that Shigaraki, or rather, Shimura Tenko, is the one who embodies the concept of Salvation and Destruction (Restoration), that is at the core of the entire manga series (and of course, of the ideology brought forward by the OfA users). Izuku Midoriya is, after all, walking the same steps of the 2nd user: going to save someone tossed aside and in AfO’s control, giving birth to a new stage of society and consequently reality. It’s a change in tide. The beginning of something new, and the end of something long overdue. It’s the beginning of a new, reformed society which does not see murder as a way of salvation, but rather understands that Heroes can show and bring forward another way, while working on themselves and working to save the villains. And it’s, at the same time, the End of an era holding Heroes in the highest regard, and glorifying power and strength (All Might’s Quirk. Endeavour, even the criteria of the UA entrance tests). An Era which held All Might accountable for everyone else, too - and made him bear the burden. An Era which made society lazy and uninvolved with the villains and the ugly side of themselves (which I already explored in this take). As Yoichi puts it, it’s thanks to him that the OfA’s story begins - and it may be because of Izuku that it ends, as it will fulfil its greatest mission: to free the world from AfO and to save Shigaraki Tomura.

This is why, the parallels between becoming a hero, and offering a hand to someone who probably never even consider the possibility of needing it, is a foreshadowing for what is likely to go down between Izuku and Tomura.

But as always, parallels, even when everything, still might be just a perception of the real situation. A perception of a situation which is where different, also similar because, as we all know - history is a fickle thing and it has a terrible habit of always repeating itself.

107 notes · View notes

hatboyproject · 3 years

Text

This is very long, but it might be of interest to someone, somewhere. I was asked recently about the direction I'm taking this romance in and whether or not I'll be addressing certain disability specific subjects within it. The answer, of course, is yes - I have always planned to do this in one form or another. Whilst no single piece of media can address everything I'd like to say on the subject, and I am working within the bounds of a larger story with its own pacing and focus to consider, there's still room to touch on some of these things.

I'm aware that my interpretations won't always be the same as others'. They are my interpretations, coloured by my experiences and feelings, and ultimately, this is my mod - I'm writing it for everybody who 'wears the ballcap,' so to speak! But, it's my interpretation of this character that I'm trying to share with everyone. Different people "took the helm" (laugh, I'm hilarious!) on writing Jeff across the trilogy, and as time has gone on I've been trying to convince myself that it's okay to have my turn at doing that, too - albeit in a non-professional capacity. So... Let's get into my interpretation of Jeff, where his stuff comes from on my view, and how things went to get him to where we are at the beginning of ME3, where the romance can occur.

A lot of how I interpret him comes from experiences in my own life with my own issues, and with those of my loved ones, some of whom are physically disabled in similar (but not identical) ways to Jeff. Some of this carries an element of catharsis for me.

Mechanically and narratively speaking, what draws me to writing this romance is the contrast between how these two characters are strong. It's this core idea that strength doesn't have only one manifestation in a person. That loving somebody doesn't have to be done only one way, that it can be beautiful and passionate and fulfilling - even if, when it gets physical, the headboard can't exactly be made to shatter with the force of it all. For me, it's also an exercise in insecurity and dealing with feelings of frustrated inadequacy - something that has plagued me my whole life.

Yes, yes, he's fictional - but the only way for me to really get into a character is to think about them as if they're a real being. When I look at Jeff as a person, I see many things... Some very positive, some pretty negative... I try to see him as a complete person with strengths and flaws.

On the surface he is often defensive, dismissive, sarcastic, and emotionally avoidant. But why is that? He is highly skilled, dedicated and capable, and knows it, but at the same time is a person who is constantly overlooked, underestimated, and asked to work thrice as hard to get the same considerations. Even then, his validity is questioned often by almost everyone around him. Over time, combined with the realities of living with his physical condition, this has given him some deep-seated insecurities. He feels the need to brag about his skills because they are, ultimately, the one thing about himself that he is absolutely certain has real worth. He overcompensates for this by abusing rules and technicalities wherever he can, because I think he knows that if he played life by the rules, he'd never have gotten anywhere. It's a stacked deck, so why not hide some aces up his sleeve? When you don't fit in the box provided, you question the value of every box you see.

When a person lives with this long enough, it can get hard to swim against the tide of society's expectations and still remain chipper about it, let alone not internalise some of it. It can cause a person to create a shell constructed out of distrust and untruth.

Living with a disability can really suck sometimes, and the suck is compounded when having to deal with your own frustrations plus those of others. In my personal experience, that happens a lot.

There is a certain sense of alienation that it can create, and it can become a kind of Sword of Damocles. It can be easier to anticipate rejection and others' assumptions, inabilities to understand or relate than to keep reaching out, only to have the same tired conversations about being different. I see a lot of this in him. I understand the chip he has on his shoulder.

I also see an extremely sensitive, empathetic, devoted and boundlessly loving person under all that. In fact, it's because of these things that I think he actively tries to distance himself. At the core of his being, I see Jeff as somebody who loves quickly and completely. I think he sees that as a vulnerability, incompatible with what he's learned he has to do to survive... and also with the machismo thing that comes with being a pilot. I think on some level he's terrified of that about himself, but he also can't help it. Jeff is ride or die. So, he tells himself he doesn't care and never lets anyone in. Any time anyone showed interest, he'd shut them down, alienate them, distance himself, and get in the seat of something that flies.

I think up until now, (ME3) he's seen intimacy both as a thing he longs for, but is also afraid of because of his fundamental knowledge that he is different. He thinks he can't "measure up" to what he sees all around him. He sees romance as something that will lead to his inevitable rejection and being crushed, emotionally - and if he's not careful, physically, too. I think he's embarrassed about that as well. He's very interested where it comes to all that, but the things he likes to watch, he knows he can't do like that. His only experience is second-hand as a voyeur, so some of his perceptions about that are unhealthy for him. I think any kind of attempt by the medical professionals in his life to broach the topic and offer support on, he's angrily changed the subject, or stopped listening to, because of the entire mess above. I think Jeff is kind of a lonely person, and some of it is self-imposed, though the reasons for him thinking it's the right thing to do aren't all within his control.

All this is difficult for him to reconcile with, because he has been desperately in love with his commanding officer since almost the moment s/he met him, but entirely unprepared to face it.

I think at first it was easy for him to dismiss it as a stupid crush. Everyone gets them when cramped up in close quarters in stressful situations and the Commander's magnetism was hard to ignore. But then it became clear that Shepard really hadn't read his file and really hadn't made any assumptions at all about him. S/he just wanted to know him, and as time progressed and that actually bore out, it got hard not to really feel something powerful, even though s/he was the Commander and it wasn't strictly appropriate to think that way. But, then there was that thing about not fitting in the box provided...

I think he agonised over coming to Shepard with it, but ultimately decided it would be selfish with everything they were going through. I think there was a part of him that decided s/he'd never be interested anyway, not when there were other, healthier people to choose from... People who didn't have these hangups or need special accommodations made for them. I think he decided to keep it to himself, for what he felt was both their sakes.

If/When the Commander quietly hooked up with someone else, I think he had a lot of feelings all at once. On the one hand, the person he cared for most was finding some peace in all the craziness. On the other, he wished that particular brand of peace was shared with him. Most of the time there were more important things to worry about, but during downtime, I think it was on his mind a lot.

I think he feels very sheepish about it, but occasionally his jealousy got the better of him and he interrupted Shepard at moments that got too hard to watch on the security cams. He watched the cams around the ship lot, and listened in on all the others a fair bit. I think because he saw himself as being at a remove from most people in a lot of ways, it was easy to justify that to himself. I think he saw it kind of like listening to a podcast or a soap opera or... Nature documentary, almost, or something. He got to know all of them in this way... Parasocially at first, but gradually, socially too. He felt better about trying, because he had this secret edge. Not the greatest stuff he's ever done, but... Complete person. Strengths and flaws.

And then, the unthinkable happened. He couldn't accept that the ship was dying. He was sure he could save it... But when Shepard's hand touched his shoulder, when s/he'd come back for him, he knew it was over. And then, it really was over. Shepard paid the price for his arrogance. The person he wanted to protect the most spun off out into space. The communicator between his mask and that helmet was still in range for long enough that he could hear the choking. For a long time afterward, even hearing people cough made the hairs on the back of his neck stand on end.

The Alliance grounded him. I don't think he even had the capacity to be mad about it. I think that was a hard time for Jeff. I think between being burdened with the knowledge of the Reapers, the loss of Shepard, and the weight of his guilt, he was pretty close to the very, very edge when Cerberus knocked on his door and made him a bunch of promises. Pretty sure those promises had nothing to do with leather seats and everything to do with Project Lazarus. I'm very sure that the promise of Shepard coming back is the reason he even let Cerberus pay for the surgeries he agreed to undergo, because I don't think he valued himself much at all at that point. I'm pretty sure it was being ready to help Shepard that he was thinking about when he was learning to walk on his painful legs without crutches for the very first time. When Cerberus offered him a big shiny reset button I think he took it without hesitation because there wasn't anything else to hope for. I think seeing Shepard in the docking bay galvanised him and without ever telling them so, he pledged his life to them even harder than before. I think he told himself that he would support Shepard in every way he could. He would go wherever, do whatever, and when dealing with him, try to give them what he knew they needed; a goddamn break.

So, fast forward again, and now we are here. With all of this in mind... Shepard might have had a dalliance with someone else, or might've been too damaged by their previous love interest on Horizon, or whatever. Either way, I think Jeff saw it as not his business to even dream about that. I think the guilt tore him up every time he looked at Shepard. I think he felt like on some level, he deserved the pain of unrequited feelings which only ever got more intense. If he didn't think himself worthy of it back then, doubly so now. I think during the six months of house arrest, he tried to visit, but the Alliance denied his every attempt. Then the attack on Earth happened.

And so now we have Jeff, who, just like other humans is confused and groping about for a sense of what's up and what's down. Fortunately for him, Shepard is part of that sense of stability. He's just better at hiding it, because avoiding it and telling himself to focus elsewhere is second nature to him by this point. But things are a little different, now. Shepard seems looking around for a connection too. Future days seem short in number and the rulebook less and less important by the minute. Denying it to himself becomes impossible, and even EDI prods him about it. Shepard won't stop being so goddamn nice to him and even responds with things that if he didn't know better, he could interpret as... But then all the old insecurities come rushing back and he's walking on his own damn eggshells again. Fuck it. It's time to admit it. To come clean. S/he has to know.

So he asks. And s/he accepts. He's equal parts thrilled, stunned and terrified. He's even on some level, suspicious. Is s/he setting him up for a fall? Are they angry about his responsibility? What do they want out of this, actually? He hasn't explained what it'd be like. That what they're doubtlessly expecting of him is unrealistic. That he's completely inexperienced. I think at this point, he's a bit pissed off with himself and feeling a lot of dread because he's pretty sure how this is going to go. He realises he's got so caught up in it that he's done things in the wrong order. Damage control. He has to talk with Shepard and explain what s/he should expect from him, because it will be different. Manage expectations because he's had to manage his own. He goes in steeled.

But s/he knows it will be different, it turns out. As ever, Shepard has made no assumptions whatsoever. S/he only wants to get to know him. Wants him for everything he is, and accepts what he is not. It was never an issue for them beyond understanding how to work with it, because he is worthy just as he is, and has worked hard enough. He has to teach them about his limitations, about underestimating and overestimating... But where there's a will, there's a way. Time for a few shared moments of peace before the end of days, and through all the craziness, something feels right at last. He feels safe enough to let Shepard in properly. Thus begins his reassessment of himself and reckoning with letting go of the insecurities he has that aren't actually his own, but come from outside.

Also he totally gets to sext the Commander now when s/he's on missions. Nice.

So. There's a lot more I could say and expound upon but it's been hours and I have stuff to do. That's my direction. It's not going to suit everyone, and I doubt I can get everything across... But I'll try. I'm just one person, with just one perspective, with just one version of this story. But I hope people like what I come up with surrounding this framework, because I have lived a lot of it myself. Just a few less Reapers in my version. Not everyone's experiences and responses will be the same.

#shoker #shoker mod #hatboyproject #jeff joker moreau #character study #my approach

57 notes · View notes

nona-piccolo · 3 years

Text

Princes of Hell AU

Warnings: none, unless the mention of “hell” and demons bothers you

This is my own little AU where Obey Me brothers are genuinely princes of hell, and each of them occupy a Circle of Hell where the damned come to be eternally punished; there is no school, there is no RAD, and there is no funny banter 😈 When I had first played Obey Me, I always imagined a more darker story to the brothers, ones that involve fighting and action, and less of the romance aspect, especially since they are in fact demons, and each of them possess the burden of a sin. I always just thought it would be interesting to view them in a reign of power for a territory of their own. I also really really wanted to speak about the boys’ abilities and powers, so their strengths and combat is also talked about.

Please enjoy my little indulgence!

Okay so hear me out, there are seven rings of hell that occupy the space of the underworld. The worse of a person you had been on earth, the further into the ring you get placed in--- this also deals with the punishment that is endured. To put it simply, the rings are formed from 1 to 7: 1 being the least terrifying, while being placed in ring 7 is reserved for the worst and scummiest human beings. Taking off from there then, that leads us to the very first prince and owner of the 1st circle of hell:

Leviathan - 1st Circle of Hell:

They call this place Sheol. One thing that greatly differs Leviathan’s circle compared to the others is that fact that his circle is not a physical layer. There is no land. In fact, Leviathan's layer is almost sea-like, with spirits floating through the sky and composed of a sea of high whines of envy. The misty green layer is also the largest part of hell, considering it is the outer-most layer of the circle and takes up the most surface area. Leviathan is comfortable in his true form here (a giant beastly Leviathan) with eyes filled with envy to roam his territory. Leviathan is a powerful being, able to summon and control hideous demonic ocean creatures to do his bidding. His brothers are cautious if ever caught in a fight with him; Leviathan’s control can absolutely crush and overflood the other circles of hell. Many are terrified of him, and rumors had gone around saying he has the potential to become 2nd, maybe even 1st strongest of the Devildom, but his downfall and probably biggest weakness, is the time he spends moping about the things he doesn't have. The feeling of envy has crippled him to a pathetic and whiny ruler. Still, he appears to be one of the best of his brothers, as he doesn’t need to do much to care for the crying souls that wander around lifeless.

Asmodeus - 2nd Circle of Hell:

They call the 2nd Circle of Hell Dis--- the most laid back circle of all of them. Yes, even more so than Leviathan’s. Now you may think it would be odd, especially for Asmodeus’s circle to be placed where it is. But the people bound here for all eternity have the guilty pleasure of what Asmodeus finds entertaining. All demons and humans there are not tortured, with no laws, and given the ability to do whatever it is they desire. He likes to be surrounded by succubi and incubbi almost constantly. Asmo hates humans the least, and feels no need to want revenge. Being in hell and stripped of everything is punishment enough for him. Talking about abilities, Asmodeus himself would say that he isn’t fit for physical combat. Instead, he was given the ability to charm any creature or non creature he sees fit. With just a look in his eyes, he commands every bone in their bodies. Very few people are immune to this charm, but every once in a millennia he will meet someone who doesn't fall to his charm. This bothers him immensely.

Belphegor - 3rd Circle of Hell:

Gehhena. That is the name of his circle. Opposite to his twin brother Beelzebub, Belphegor has a barren land of almost nothingness... Everything is shrouded with sloth, to the point where not even the air moves. Too lazy to make changes to his kingdom, there is a constant stagnation within his circle. His followers are left sitting there with nothing except constant loneliness and nothing to ease their boredom. Belphegor, the ruler that he is, sleeps on his throne any moment he can, and the crazed state he left his followers in have caused them to struggle with each other on who will get the throne. They feel they will go crazy if no one takes up Belphegor’s place. And so they plan to take his throne. Acting like he doesn't know about the plan to overthrow him, Belphie is pleased to spend all of eternity with the entertainment of watching his underlings argue to no end on who should sit on his throne. Belph doesn't seem like the brightest, especially due to his dozing and sleeping, but perhaps that's where he and Mammon are able to catch opponents off guard. Being underestimated is what Belph depends on, and frankly he seems to enjoy it just as much. He is the youngest of his brothers, and therefore the weakest physically, but his ability can be powerful in controlling what happens in other's dreams. This demon does his dirty work in the dream realm, having full and complete capabilities to cause disaster in his enemies through during their most vulnerable moments--- sleep. His constant state of sleep can ease others into a sleeping death, where the dream realm becomes Belphegor's greatest strength. He feels no need to try and climb the ranks higher. He is content where he is.

Mammon - 4th Circle of Hell:

Pandaemonium is the name of Mammon’s circle. Perhaps the greatest designed circle of hell, Mammon's image of what he wanted hell to look like is what came true on his land. He has complete control of what he wishes his kingdom will look like. As a great architect, he believes that hell could be just as great as heaven, and tried to prove it to Lucifer by designing Lucifer's very castle. Mammon’s land is filled with enormous landmarks and sky scrapers that appear to touch the stars. His circle of hell has the most impressive buildings and works of art, truly impressive to look at, but... as a ruler, Mammon isn't too good. There are still so many unfinished buildings and projects that he has abandoned in order for his subjects to mine and work in labor for eternity, finding the greatest diamonds and jewels within the ground to bring back to Mammon's castle. They needed to keep their master rich somehow. The work loads for his followers keeps increasing with every little thing Mammon craves for. More and more buildings, more and more diamonds, he can never get enough of it. Although rarely any violence ensures, his underlings constantly screw each other over in order to survive. And like his followers, Mammon is not particularly violent. In fact he shows more of a masochistic side, letting other people take out their frustration on him. This is ironic, due to Mammon's main ability being his luck. Among other demons and humans, his sheer luck and ability to gamble come in handy for him; getting him out of situation after situation. In the battlefield, he is often used as a decoy, his luck coming in handy to miss fatal wounds and strikes. It is also said Mammon's speed can rival Beelzebub's, yet he seems to run even faster if it's to get away from trouble.

Beelzebub - 5th Circle of Hell:

Beelzebub’s circle was named Tantarus, or better yet the Tantarus Pit. It is a massive swamp, and with basically an "eat or be eaten" policy. His people are desperate in getting whatever they can in their search for sustainability. Although not particularly strict, Beel's attitude of eating whatever he wants can become a scary factor. He has many good cooks enslaved, whom make meals for him almost constantly. Much like Mammon, the people in the 4th circle of hell are forced into an everlasting workload. Yet unlike Mammon, Beelzebub has been known to get impatient, sometimes swallowing up the nearest thing he can find--- whether it’s a person, or the dinner table. He does not purposefully seek out trouble though, and prefers to keep to himself--- or with Belphegor. His circle is too far from Belphie, much to Beelzebub’s dismay, but Lucifer had simply brushed it off and told him he needed to deal with it. With super strength and speed, Beel is by far the physically strongest of his brothers. His frightening stature, height, and gluttony puts him at the very top of the list for being intimidating. Along with the constant intake of food, he makes sure to exercise and keep the bounds of muscles he has solidified on his body.

Satan - 6th Circle of Hell:

Satan owns the circle of Malebolge. There are two sides in Malebolge, and both sides are at constant war with each other. The pain and horror of war is everlasting and perpetual. Satan trains his people for the day they get a chance to attack the Celestial Realm. It is by far the most violent and frightening circle of hell. Satan is a monster fuming with hatred and insults. His control over his wrath had been let go a long time ago; he had let it overwhelm him and take control. To the point where Satan’s very presence on the battle field freezes opponents up in their tracks. Continuing to fight Satan for more than a few minutes will trigger his ability. He had all of eternity to practice thinking clearly through his anger and wrath--- it is no longer a roadblock to him. But he uses this as his greatest weapon. Fighting Satan for longer than a few minutes will provoke a growing rage inside of you; like the pressure of a dam against the heavy weight of water. His opponent will begin to think unclearly--- they will feel frustration and rage, giving Satan a chance to strike them down. Skilled and precise, he taught himself to suppress anything other than the rage he feels in order to kill more efficiently. Unlike his brothers, Satan prefers to use a sword in battle, and he can do so both methodically and elegantly (particularly Archangel Michael's sword that had fallen into Heaven with his other brothers).

Lucifer - 7th Circle of Hell:

Of course, the last and most dreadful circle of hell is reserved for Lucifer himself. Cocytus is what he had called it. This circle occupies the smallest space, taking the very center of the ring he and his brothers had formed. In the very middle lies Lucifer’s giant castle he had built just for himself. Lucifer's castle Helviti is where he stays, and where his most valuable followers and favorites live. The castle is all Lucifer really needs to be content. There are dreadful winds here, the cold and winter storms are drastically below freezing temperatures, keeping and reminding him that he could never ascend to the warmth of the Celestial Realm. So he is glad to have a warm place to stay in order to keep out the numbing weather. His people however... are left in a biting state of paralysis from the freezing cold; left out of the castle to rot. The most powerful of his brothers, Lucifer's cunning behavior and strict attitude are just added weapons alongside his ability of energy manipulation. Two of his six wings were disintegrated from his fall from Heaven to hell, and turned from a pure white to a rich black. He is also the only one who can control Cerberus, an enormous three-headed dog he keeps right by his side.

#obey me #obey me AU #obey me headcanons

61 notes · View notes

spockandawe · 3 years

Note

Hi...how are you? Since you've read all 3 mxtx works, if you don't mind me asking,what do you think are the strengths of each of her novels' protagonists? Sorry if you've answered this question before....

I’m doing well, thank you! And ooooh, this is an interesting question, I’ve been thinking about it for a while.

I will say that I think the love interests are a lot easier to answer for this, because for all of them, they share a sense of determination and perseverance that carries them through a long separation, and they mostly vary in the ways their personalities express that determination, but the protagonists.......... HM. I’m actually having the most trouble with Shen Qingqiu, so let’s go in reverse order and see what I come out with, haha

Xie Lian! I think his greatest strength is that he made the conscious decision to be kind. It’s not that he’s unconsciously gentle, or that it’s something that he always expresses, no matter what, because we’ve seen him be mean with some characters, or to gently poke fun at other people and enjoy. He’s not kind at the expense of himself. But he saw what he was like when he was cruel, and he decided he didn’t like it, and decided to be different. It’s not the same as the idealism of his youth, with the question about the water in the desert, or thinking that he could save a country from a drought, or that he could protect his own kingdom. He has a very measured idea of his own capabilities and limits, and is invested in being kind within the bounds of what he knows he is capable of. He’s not going to mindlessly pour kindness into Qi Rong knowing that Qi Rong is totally down to bite the hand that feeds him, but he’s willing to take on the burden of blame for Lang Qianqiu’s family’s death, because the truth would hurt Lang Qianqiu more than the lie hurts Xie Lian.

Wei Wuxian! His sense of humor, for one, and casual ambition, for another. He goes through a lot of suffering, and his willingness to laugh at everything, including himself, carries him through a lot. It doesn’t deal with everything, but it lets him shrug off a lot of blows before something brings him to his knees. And that, paired with the casual ambition, is a powerful combination. I don’t know how he could have established demonic cultivation as a viable path without both of those characteristics. Maybe he could have clawed his way out of the burial mounds without that sense of humor, but I don’t know how far he could have gone through life after the sunshot campaign without that light, laughing approach to life to bolster him, despite all the trauma also weighing him down. And once he comes back to life, I think he walks a very interesting line of ‘lol TRAUMA’ and ‘oh, interesting weird-ass mystery to solve’ before he finally becomes comfortable with more fully leaning on Lan Wangji, and those two traits really help carry him through that time before he realizes he can trust Lan Wangji with anything.

Shen Qingqiu! Ah, this one was weirdly hard. I don’t want to say that his encyclopedic book knowledge is a STRENGTH, or his investment in that fictional universe. So I think I’m going to say... his ability to shrug trauma off. It’s not perfect, because he spends a section of the book semi-paralyzed with fear that Luo Binghe is going to torture and kill him (and manages to fuck up Luo Binghe extra hard in the course of events, ofc), but he also came into the universe with all that knowledge. And it took him like two minutes to go from ‘this is the guy who’s gonna rip my limbs off’ to ‘omg what a good child this is, I must care for him properly.’ Even when he has the penalty activated and visits the main universe, and experiences Bingge ripping his limb off, he comes back to the main world, and he’s like OnO for a very brief period, but stabilizes himself out fast and slides past the fear response to his Binghe and evens out again. Or that first sex scene, which.... yeah, I’d say that was traumatic. After he has a few minutes to recover, his main reaction is ‘wow, that was a thing that happened.’ It’s kind of a mixed bag, because he sorrrrrta is the one who initiates a lot of that post-abyss trauma he experieces, but he’s very good at slipping past the trauma and returning to a baseline state.

#spock replies #shen qingqiu #xie lian #wei wuxian #svsss #tgcf #mdzs #thanad-zid

50 notes · View notes

ibijau · 4 years

Photo

Sunday 11th: Free spot - Age/role reversal, where Nie Huaisang is the oldest with a bratty little brother, while Lan Xichen is the sweet and happy Second Jade of Gusu Lan

This will be a two parter at minimum and the role reversal won’t come up until part two oops

Also on AO3

Inside Lan Qiren's office, Nie Huaisang bowed deeply before the renowned teacher.

"I leave my brother in your capable hands," he said, before turning to Lan Wangji and bowing again. "Please, make sure he doesn't create troubles. I trust your judgement in these matters, so punish him if need be."

Next to him Nie Mingjue scoffed, as only a boy unused to discipline could. Nie Huaisang, who was the entire reason his brother often came off as a stubborn brat, sighed. The Lans would have a lot of work with that one.

Lan Xichen, who had been standing behind his brother, stepped aside to grab Nie Mingjue's arm, smiling brightly.

"I'll make sure he behaves," he promised. "If he does anything bad, I'll tell Brother and Uncle."

"Xichen-ge!" Nie Mingjue cried out, betrayed. "I thought we were friends!"

"We are, but Nie zongzhu trusts us. Don't you, Nie zongzhu?"

"I trust you most of all," Nie Huaisang said, amused as always by this too earnest second master of Gusu Lan. He almost laughed when Lan Xichen's face turned bright pink at his comment. It was always fun to compliment those Lans. "Lan Er-gongzi, please take good care of my little brother. I know you will be a good influence on him."

Lan Xichen preened, until Nie Mingjue elbowed him in the ribs for this betrayal. This time, Nie Huaisang really couldn't help laughing. He exchanged a glance with Lan Wangji who also looked amused, in his own manner, while Lan Qiren just sighed and dismissed the two boys so grown-ups could speak in peace. Well, two grown-ups and Lan Wangji, who wasn't quite nineteen yet, but often behaved as if he were already in his seventies or more.

"How are things in Qinghe?" Lan Qiren asked, inviting his guest to sit while Lan Wangji served tea for both of them.

"Better these days," Nie Huaisang confessed. "We haven't had another plot against us since that last time. I think everyone is coming to term with me being in charge until Mingjue comes of age… And five more years isn't so much to wait."

Lan Qiren nodded, knowing as well as Nie Huaisang what that sort of waiting felt like. Though of course, the circumstances were different.

Lan Qiren's place within Gusu Lan could never have been contested, while Nie Huaisang was only the talentless son of a dancer turned concubine. On the other hand, Nie Huaisang would be truly free in five years, when his father's true heir could be crowned sect leader, while the best Lan Qiren could hope for was that in eighteen months Lan Wangji would become more involved in sect affairs, but Lan Qiren would remain regent unless his brother decided otherwise.

Although Nie Huaisang got along well with Lan Qiren who was little more than a decade his senior, he was close friend with Lan Wangji who was only a few years younger. And so, for the sake of his younger friend's wellbeing, he hoped Qingheng-Jun would continue leaving the burden of power on Lan Qiren's shoulders. Lan Wangji deserved to have a free youth, or at least as free as his temper allowed.

"How long is Nie zongzhu staying?" Lan Wangji asked, sounding hopeful. Or at least, Nie Huaisang gathered he was hopeful, he could be so hard to read.

"I really only came to drop Mingjue," Nie Huaisang sighed. "Things are more stable, but I'd be a fool to stay away too long. But you must come visit me, Wangji. We haven't chatted in so long, you really must. I'm even willing to go on a Night Hunt if need be."

A near smile appeared on Lan Wangji’s face at that offer, both of them knowing what it cost Nie Huaisang to say such a thing, but also that he really would if it was the only way to see his friend.

It had not been the worst Night Hunt Nie Huaisang had ever been on, mostly because he'd let Lan Wangji do all the work. In exchange, he was the one paying all the expanses, and so had dragged Lan Wangji into a nicer inn than his friend would have picked. Someone had to spoil Lan Wangji, and Nie Huaisang was happy to do it. He hadn't managed yet to convince his friend to have a little meat, but the night was still young, and it was just the two of them since they'd requested to have their dinner served in their room. In private, Lan Wangji occasionally relaxed a little more.

"So, I hear Mingjue’s making friends?" Nie Huaisang said, pouring himself some wine. "Those Yunmeng boys?"

"Jiang gongzi," Lan Wangji confirmed. "They have frequent arguments. They always make up."

"It's good he's met someone with a temper to match his own," Nie Huaisang laughed. "Xichen lets him get away with too much. He writes to me, you know?"

"Nie gongzi?"

Nie Huaisang shook his head. "Mingjue wouldn't write to me if his life depended on it, the brat. No, I meant Xichen. That boy is adorable, he took it so seriously when I asked him to take care of Mingjue, and now he gives me updates. Wangji, you have the best brother, I want to trade."

"Hm. No."

"How selfish!" Nie Huaisang whined. "Just you wait, in five years I'm free! I'll seduce Xichen, get him to the Unclean Realm with me… Then he can make sure Mingjue behaves, while I'll be painting all day."

Lan Wangji rolled his eyes, before taking a sip of tea.

"Oh don't worry, you wouldn't be left alone," Nie Huaisang said with a wide grin. "Maybe Wei Wuxian could be convinced to stay in the Cloud Recesses?"

Instantly, Lan Wangji spit his tea on the table, glaring at Nie Huaisang who howled with laughter.

"Huaisang!"

"Blame your brother! He's the one who told me about it. I thought he was joking, but… Seriously, Wei Wuxian? Ah, Wangji, you'll always surprise me."

Lan Wangji's glare intensified, as if the very idea of him liking anything about a brat like Wei Wuxian were an insult to his character. It would have been more credible if Nie Huaisang hadn't known his tell, and noticed his red ears.

"He's smart, and talented," Nie Huaisang noted, a little more seriously. "A brat, sure, but he'll calm down with age. I can't say he's my type physically, but you're entitled to your bad tastes."

"A sect leader can't marry a man," Lan Wangji sternly noted.

Nie Huaisang shot him a surprised look, shocked that Lan Wangji would even be thinking of something so serious. He would have to write to Lan Xichen about this. If Lan Wangji's crush was this deep already, they needed to help along. Propriety didn't matter much in the long run, Nie Huaisang had learned early.

And besides, there was always Lan Xichen to give heirs to the Lan sect.

Discussion conferences were never much fun. Those held in Nightless City, even less so. Nie Huaisang hated most other sect leaders, though he felt justified in that by the fact they didn’t like him much either, with the exception of Lan Qiren, who was an old family friend, and Jiang Fengmian, who was too weak willed to hate anyone. Everyone else treated Nie Huaisang like an idiot for his continued insistence that he would abdicate in favour of his brother as soon as Nie Mingjue was ready for it, never understanding that aside from his lack of interest for the job of sect leader, he would merely be obeying his father’s own wishes.

Nie Mingjue was their father’s true heir, Nie Huaisang’s only role was keeping the throne warm for him.

Of course nobody except Lan Qiren would understand that. A bunch of greedy, selfish fools the whole lot of them, who would have sold their own fathers and sons to grab a little more power. The worst, by far, were Jin Guangshan (who’d always taken the old Nie sect leader for an idiot, since he would never have recognised a bastard, let alone married the whore who bore it) and Wen Ruohan (who rumour said had murdered his own father indeed, and who had certainly killed Nie Huaisang’s, something for which he’d pay someday). If either of those two dropped dead before him, Nie Huaisang would only have laughed and left them to rot in the sun.

Which wasn’t to say that either of them knew that.

Nie Huaisang hadn’t survived years of internal conflict in his sect without learning a few things, and so he made sure to be especially polite to those two very powerful men. It annoyed Nie Mingjue to no end, but he wasn’t sect leader yet and couldn’t do anything about it.

And so, Nie Huaisang had to pleasantly talk with those two awful men while the juniors of all sects took part in an archery contest. It wasn’t Nie Mingjue’s greatest strength, but he did well for himself, so Nie Huaisang was determined to congratulate and praise him for his hard work. Meanwhile, Wen Chao had failed horribly and been eliminated very early on, which delighted Nie Huaisang more than words could have said, even if he forced himself to babble that surely it couldn’t have been anything but bad luck. Not that anyone really cared, anyway. The stars of the day were the Twin Jades of Gusu Lan and Wei Wuxian, who had done so well and would have been in the top three together, if not for some incident forcing Lan Wangji to give up.

When the contest was over, Nie Huaisang rushed to go meet his brother and his friends, eager to congratulate the boys… and to escape the grown-ups.

It amused him to find Nie Mingjue having an argument with Jiang Cheng, with Wei Wuxian laughing to the side and Lan Xichen watching them indulgently, like a benevolent older brother to those three terrors. And out of the four of them, Lan Xichen was the first to spot Nie Huaisang approaching.

“Nie zongzhu, were you looking for your brother?” he asked with a bow that the Yunmeng boys imitated. “Did you see how well he did in the contest?”

“Very well indeed,” Nie Huaisang agreed. “Though I found myself mostly watching you. I knew Lan Er-gongzi was a skilled archer, but this was amazing. I wouldn’t be surprised if the heavens had opened to welcome you as a martial god, you were simply brilliant.”

As always, Lan Xichen blushed at the heavy praise, which was the very reason Nie Huaisang did it. That boy always reacted so strongly to any little compliment, it was simply a joy to see.

Nie Mingjue rolled his eyes, and slapped his brother’s shoulder.

“You’re such an embarrassment, Da-Ge,” he muttered. “Can’t you behave normally sometimes?”

“Did I say something wrong? Lan Er-gongzi, did you feel insulted perhaps?”

“Not in the least,” Lan Xichen replied, his cheeks turning a brighter shade of pink. “But perhaps Nie zongzhu is… a little too generous in praising me. I only got the first place because Brother had to quit. Otherwise, he would have won for sure.”

“Second place wouldn’t be bad either,” Nie Huaisang insisted. “And having a calm character in the face of adversity is a quality in and of itself, one that I envy. Lan Er-gongzi just needs to accept that he is a very skilled young man. He wouldn’t have been picked as the first most eligible bachelor of this generation otherwise!”

This was, without a doubt, the brightest shade of red that Nie Huaisang had ever seen on poor Lan Xichen who clearly felt greatly embarrassed by that list that had started circulating some months earlier. It was a fairly accurate list though, and one Nie Huaisang could have written… except he would have placed his brother higher (seventh only was an insult) and removed himself from it (he was eighth only because of his current position as sect leader, and did not intend to ever marry if he could avoid it).

"You're such a creepy old man," Nie Mingjue grumbled, elbowing him in the ribs with more force than was really necessary.

"Nie zongzhu isn't old, he's only twenty two, right?" Lan Xichen protested, before turning to the Yunmeng boys who had been watching them with great amusement. "That's not so much older than the rest of us, right?”

“It’s barely older than our sister,” Jiang Cheng conceded, always trying so hard to be polite even when it did not come to him easily. Nie Huaisang really hoped some of that would rub on Nie Mingjue over time.

“So it’s settled, Nie zongzhu is not old at all,” Lan Xichen decided. “Nie zongzhu should really spend more time with us, instead of other sect leaders.”

While Nie Huaisang couldn’t help laughing at that very tempting offer, Nie Mingjue glared at his friend. For some reason, Lan Xichen turned bright red once more and had to look away. Ah, he really was too cute, none of the other Lans were ever so sweet.

“I’d do so gladly, if I truly had a choice, but duty is a cruel mistress,” Nie Huaisang theatrically sighed. “In fact, I’ll abandon you again now. I only wanted to get a chance to congratulate all of you for your amazing performance. You’ve all done very well, and I feel lucky to have seen such talented young men perform like this. Now though, I must return to sit with boring old men and pretend there’s nowhere else I’d rather be.”

The four boys had the kindness of pretending they were disappointed to see him leave. At least, three of them had to be pretending. Lan Xichen was sweet enough that he might have been sincere in saying he wished Nie Huaisang could have stayed, though Nie Huaisang had no doubt they’d all have much better fun without him.

Ah, to be young and free.

Nie Huaisang wondered what that was like.

The news of the burning of the Cloud Recesses reached the Unclean Realm a few days after it happened, carrying with it grim rumours. Qingheng-Jun was either wounded or dead, his eldest son captured or dead as well, and as for the youngest, no one seemed to really know. Maybe he too was dead, leaving only poor Lan Qiren to pick up the pieces, as he had already done more than once now. If the political climate had not been so tense and the Wens so clearly looking for excuses to attack everyone, Nie Huaisang would have flown straight to the Cloud Recesses to check what had really happened and offer his support.

Just days after they heard about the Lans, a messenger came from Qishan Wen, ordering that twenty young people of Qinghe Nie should be sent to be taught properly in cultivation matters, among which one at least needed to be from the main clan itself.

Nie Huaisang, who was no fool, understood what that truly meant. The Wens wanted to have his brother in his power.

His first instinct, of course, was to refuse. He hadn’t spent six years protecting Nie Mingjue from coups and attacks within their sects just to hand him over to the people who had murdered their father, the ones who Nie Huaisang suspected to have supported at least one or two of those coups. And yet, after thinking on it for a few hours, Nie Huaisang realised that this choice, like many others, wasn’t quite in his hands. So he summoned his brother to the throne room, hoping that treating this like official sect business would make Nie Mingjue a little more willing to bend to his authority.

It did not quite work.

In fact, it did not work at all.

"I'm not letting you send me there as a hostage!" Nie Mingjue roared when Nie Huaisang announced his decision.

"I'm your sect leader and your elder brother,” Nie Huaisang pointed out, trying not to wince. This was going exactly as bad as he had feared. “If I give you an order, you have to obey."

"Some sect leader you are," Nie Mingjue snapped. "Always bending before everyone, trying to stay on the good side of the man who murdered our father. If I were sect leader…"

"Well you're not, not yet. And you'll never be unless I keep you alive!" Nie Huaisang shouted, before taking a deep breath to calm himself. "Mingjue, just because nobody has tried to kill me recently doesn't mean they've given up on it. If I resist Wen Ruohan and start a war, they'll turn on me, on us! And even if they don't, who would side with us against the Wens? Jin Guangshan covets our territories, the Lans are weakened, and Jiang Fengmian doesn't have the numbers to be of any use. Qinghe Nie is alone. We're alone, Mingjue. Please understand that. Please let me protect you."

Nie Mingjue glared at him and stepped closer. He’d grown a lot recently, and was slightly taller than Nie Huaisang. He was likely to keep growing, too, and would probably be as imposing a man as their father… if he stayed alive long enough for it.

Nie Huaisang begged any god that might be listening to keep his brother alive.

"Protect me?” Nie Mingjue spat, looking down at his older brother. “Are you sure you're not just sending me there to get killed by the Wens, so you don't have to pretend anymore that you'll abdicate in my favour? After all you've gotten so good at leading the sect, and I'm just a brat, who'd blame you for wanting me dead?"

Nie Huaisang slapped him.

It wasn't a strong blow, and with their difference in cultivation and power, it couldn't have hurt much. In fact, Nie Huaisang’s hand probably stung more than his brother’s face. Still Nie Mingjue found himself stunned into silence and pressed a hand to his cheek.

No matter how bratty, headstrong, or disrespectful he'd been before, Nie Huaisang had never once hit him until that day. At the same time, Nie Mingjue had always taken his brother's defence whenever someone accused Nie Huaisang of plotting for power, knowing full well how much it distressed his brother that anyone would think him capable of harming Nie Mingjue.

"I hate you," Nie Mingjue hissed.

"Hate me if you like, you're still going to Qishan," Nie Huaisang replied.

"If you were a real sect leader, a real cultivator…"

"Well I'm neither!" Nie Huaisang exploded. "I don't have the strength to start a war, and I even less have the power to fight in one! In four years, when you sit on that damn throne, you can declare all the wars you like, lead this sect however it pleases you! But until then it's me who decides how we're playing this game, and I say we are not going to give Qishan Wen an excuse to slaughter all of us!"

"I really hate you," Nie Mingjue retorted, still rubbing his cheek. "I wish your mother had never come to Qinghe."

"I wish the same. I'd rather have been the obscure son of a whore than to lead this stupid sect for you. Now go and pack your things! I need to decide who else I'm sending."

Nie Mingjue stormed away, cursing loudly and stomping his feet. Nie Huaisang waited until his brother was far enough, and collapsed on the throne, curling up on himself to cry.

He could have taken the whole world accusing him of scheming and being a bad brother. Even if Lan Wangji or those few Nie elders faithful to him had suddenly turned on him, he could have borne with it. But to hear that Nie Mingjue too doubted him after all was more than he could take.

It took him a long time to calm down, but he did eventually. And then, as he was quite used to doing, he pushed aside his feelings and set out to decide what would be the best way to protect his brother. Nie Huaisang stayed up all night making a list of nineteen Nie disciples who could be trusted to keep Nie Mingjue safe not simply from whatever the Wens had in store for them, but also from his own temper.

His brother would survive this.

Nie Huaisang refused to consider any other possibilities.

When Nie Mingjue and the other disciples returned, exhausted and on foot, Nie Huaisang ran to his brother and hugged him in the middle of the courtyard for an embarrassingly long time. It alarmed him when Nie Mingjue didn’t push him away or complain, as he’d started doing over any displays of affection these last couple of years. Instead, Nie Mingjue pulled his brother closer to him, as if needing the closeness as well. Later Nie Huaisang would worry about what might have caused this big boy of nearly seventeen to so desperately need a hug, but right then he just took this rare gift and enjoyed it while it lasted.

When at last Nie Mingjue reluctantly let him go, Nie Huaisang looked around at the other disciples. He frowned when he counted two missing, when he saw wounds on several of them. These boys were his, almost as much as Nie Mingjue, and it made his blood boil that anyone had harmed them. He quickly gave orders for the healers to check on them and food to be served for them, before dragging his brother to the privacy of his quarters to hear what had happened.

It worried him again when he sat on his sofa, and Nie Mingjue not only sat near him but curled up against his side, the way he used to do as a little boy.

Then his brother explained everything that had happened, the punishments, the threats, the slaughter in that cave, the monster, Lan Wangji and Wei Wuxian being lost to the world perhaps, the long run home, and… Nie Huaisang pulled his brother as close as he could. They both knew better than most how carelessly cruel Qishan Wen could be, but this was a new low.

“I shouldn’t have sent you,” Nie Huaisang whispered against his brother’s hair. “You were right, I shouldn’t have.”

“They’d have attacked us, like you said,” Nie Mingjue replied. “Wangji-ge said that they were well prepared when they came to the Cloud Recesses and would have killed all of them if Lan Qiren hadn't given in about burning the library.”

“We’re not Gusu Lan,” Nie Huaisang hissed. “We know how to fight back. I shouldn’t have risked you, I’m so sorry.”

Nie Mingjue only hummed in answer. After a moment he pulled back from his brother, looking horrifyingly serious.

“Da-Ge, do you think we’ll really have a war now?”

“If they attack us, we’ll defend ourselves,” Nie Huaisang replied. “If they attack our friends, we’ll come to help them. If they attack the Jins… I’ll send Wen Ruohan a basket of flowers in thanks, and then we’ll still prepare for war. I don’t think it can be avoided now.”

Nie Mingjue nodded. “I’ll help. I’ll fight, I’ll lead men, I’ll do anything you tell me. Anything except stay away from the fight,” he quickly added before Nie Huaisang could say a thing. “I’m not too young for it, and with their numbers you know we can’t spare anyone. If Wen Chao is standing at his father’s side, why shouldn't I stand at yours?"

The idea of Nie Mingjue in battle, of him facing not just monsters but actual people capable of far more harm than any supernatural creature, left Nie Huaisang breathless with horror. His little brother shouldn't have had to deal with that, not yet, not ever. Nie Huaisang’s soul screamed in protest.

Most of his soul, anyway.

The part of him that had been fighting daily to maintain power over Qinghe Nie so it wouldn't be stolen from Nie Mingjue saw this upcoming war as an opportunity. If they did well enough for themselves, if Nie Mingjue proved that he had the potential to make a great leader, the way Nie Huaisang knew he would be when his time came… It could buy them peace within their sect, turn a few more elders and ambitious cousins to their side. If they could be made to see Nie Mingjue the way Nie Huaisang saw him…

It was a risk to take, but it'd be worth it if it worked.

And between Nie Huaisang's cunning and Nie Mingjue’s everything, how could it not work?

As long as they were together, Nie Huaisang felt capable of anything.

Roughly a month into what they had dubbed the Sunshot Campaign, Nie Mingjue barged into his brother's tent, dragging behind him a bewildered young man by the name of Meng Yao. A new recruit into their sect, arrived in Qinghe Nie shortly before Nie Mingjue had escaped from the indoctrination camp. A young man who showed great promise, Nie Huaisang had thought, putting him among the troupes led by his brother.

Nothing to do with the fact that Nie Huaisang had taken notice of Meng Yao for their similar backgrounds and, knowing how some of their disciples could be, decided to leave that young man under the protection of Nie Mingjue who did not tolerate anyone to be badmouthed for their origins.

Nie Huaisang had expected that sooner or later his brother would talk to him about Meng Yao, hopefully in good.

What he hadn't expected was Nie Mingjue demanding that Meng Yao be made his second in command right this instant.

"Did Meng gongzi agree to this?" Nie Huaisang asked, deeply amused by the shock on the young man's face.

"Why would he refuse?" Nie Mingjue retorted, so sincerely puzzled that it made his brother laugh.

They had all seen some ugly things this past month, but Nie Huaisang was grateful that his brother hadn't been too changed by it yet.

"Please just ask that man what he wants," Nie Huaisang chuckled.

Nie Mingjue rolled his eyes, as if his brother were acting obtuse on purpose, but he did ask Meng Yao whether he wanted the job or not.

Meng Yao hesitated, which marked him as someone clever enough to realise the amount of responsibility he'd get if he said yes. But he did say yes, which spoke of a certain hunger for better circumstances that Nie Huaisang would have to keep an eye on. Ambition had never been a trait he liked in others, lacking it so much himself.

"Well if everyone wants this, I can only agree," Nie Huaisang announced. "Welcome to this mess, Meng Yao."

"Thank you for this honour, Nie zongzhu," Meng Yao replied with a deep, elegant bow. "I will try to be worthy of it."

The weeks that followed were both some of the hardest and the best that Nie Huaisang had ever lived through.

He had not been confronted with such levels of fear and stress since the first year after his father's passing. At the same time, he wasn't alone to face it all this time. His brother was now old enough to fight some battles of his own, literally and metaphorically, which took a huge weight of Nie Huaisang’s shoulders. And Meng Yao, although dropped into this unprepared, had soon proven to be a great asset as well as a great friend.

It had been so long since Nie Huaisang had made a friend. Not since his father's descent into madness, in fact. All those years he had only had Lan Wangji and Lan Qiren to turn to, and he liked both of them immensely, of course, but there was so much they simply couldn't understand.

Meng Yao did.

He knew what it felt like to be the son of a mother only, no matter how glorious the father. He knew about disdain and fighting for respect, about needing to be better than anyone just to perhaps be treated the same. Meng Yao was the only person to understand what Nie Huaisang’s life was like, and he was ever so glad that his brother had decided to take a fancy to the young man.

He hoped Meng Yao would stay with them for good, a perfect addition to their little family.

He told Lan Wangji as much, a few weeks after Meng Yao's rise in ranks, too delighted by the way things were going to keep the joy to himself.

They were technically meeting in the Nie camp to plan a joint attack by Lan and Nie forces, but Nie Huaisang refused to make any decisions until Nie Mingjue joined them and gave his opinion. He was the one who knew the field's situation best after all, and he generally understood military manoeuvres better than Nie Huaisang. So as they waited for him to return from a quick reconnaissance mission, Nie Huaisang did what he did best and chatted endlessly.

Because Lan Wangji was always so quiet, it took Nie Huaisang a criminally long time to realise his friend seemed a little out of it that day.

"How is it treating you, being sect leader?" Nie Huaisang asked. "To rise to power in such circumstances, that can't be… I can't imagine."

"It was similar for Huaisang," Lan Wangji soberly replied. "I have people to rely on."

"Oh, right, I heard Xichen made it home safely! It must have been such a relief! I know I was worried for him. But him and the books were safe in the end, right? You must have been so relieved!"

Lan Wangji nodded, quite earnestly, and yet something still didn't look right. It had to mean the reason for his melancholy was the last possible option. And that, sadly, also meant it was not something Nie Huaisang thought he could help with. Still, even just by lending a friendly ear…

"So, I hear you were there when they found Wei Wuxian again?"

Lan Wangji flinched at that name, visibly so.

It had been barely two weeks since Wei Wuxian was found, but already odd rumours had reached Nie Huaisang, rumours that didn't quite fit the image he had of that brilliant but silly boy. The state in which Wen Chao's men were said to have been found was…

"It must have been rough, hiding three months like that, or being a prisoner of the Wens," Nie Huaisang hesitantly said. "And after what happened in Lotus Piers… But I'm sure he'll be back to normal with a little time, and then you can go back to inefficiently flirting with him."

"No."

"Why not? Come on Wangji, I'll even help you!" Nie Huaisang offered, delighted by the idea. "I know that type, they flirt with everyone, but it takes them by surprise when someone flirts back. Just smile at him a little and I swear…"

"No," Lan Wangji repeated, more insistently. "It is me or Xichen. I will not be my father. I will not take my brother's choice from him."

Nie Huaisang blinked a few times, trying to understand what Lan Xichen had to do with anything.

"Wait, Xichen likes someone ?" he gasped. "Oh. Who is it? Do I know her? Is she pretty? Had he started courting her?"

"Him. Not yet. The circumstances aren't right."

"Oh."

Nie Huaisang pinched his lips, a little disturbed by the idea. He had nothing against men who preferred other men, having that taste himself. And even if he had liked only women, since he suspected that Nie Mingjue had a thing for pretty boys as much as girls, he could never have found that sort of preference disgusting.

Still, it felt odd to him that Lan Xichen might have a crush on anyone. Perhaps that was because Lan Xichen had never once mentioned it to him. Not that they were close by any means, but they had written to each other so often that year Nie Mingjue was in Gusu, Nie Huaisang thought that Lan Xichen had come to see him as another brother figure, one in whom he might have confided more easily than in Lan Wangji.

Clearly, he had thought wrong.

"So what if you both like men?" Nie Huaisang said, choosing to ignore his discomfort when Lan Wangji’s was greater. "There's always the option of getting a concubine. My grandfather certainly did, and back then cut-sleeve weddings weren't half as accepted as they are now."

"Concubines are frowned upon."

"You Lans need to stop ruining your own lives. Get that Wei boy, Wangji, and let Xichen get… Who is it, anyway? Someone I know?"

Lan Wangji threw him an unimpressed look, the one he had whenever he thought Nie Huaisang was acting obtuse on purpose. For once, it wasn't the case. Still, it meant that it had to be very obvious. Nie Mingjue, perhaps? But that seemed unlikely, Lan Xichen used to joke in his letters that he wasn't sure if Nie Mingjue and Jiang Cheng were arguing or flirting. That also took Jiang Cheng out of the picture. Wei Wuxian then? But no, Lan Xichen was so supportive of his brother's affections, it was impossible.

Nie Huaisang was stumped. Aside from these three, he couldn't imagine who Lan Xichen would have been friendly enough with to fall for them.

He was about to ask for clues when his brother stomped into the tent, followed closely by Lan Xichen and Meng Yao who both looked rather worried.

"How nice of you to join us at last," Nie Huaisang noted lightly, as if this were a perfectly fine and polite way to come in. "Please Mingjue, sit down so we can commence."

He gestured at a sitting cushion next to him, only for his brother to glare at him.

"You need to write a recommendation letter for Meng Yao," Nie Mingjue ordered. "He wants to join Lanling Jin, but they've refused him before. They won't dare if he comes recommended!"

Nie Huaisang felt his blood freeze. He tilted his head, trying to catch Meng Yao's eyes, but the young man refused to look at him. An admission of guilt in itself.

"Meng Yao, I don't think that's a good idea," Nie Huaisang sighed. "Aren't you happy with us? Aren't we treating you well? You know how much we value you, you're the only person I trust to look after my brother. If you leave…"

"He's Jin zongzhu's son," Nie Mingjue interrupted, as if that were news to Nie Huaisang. "He has a right to be in Lanling Jin! If they were stupid enough to turn him down before, I'd like to see them do that again, when he has the support of another great sect!"

Nie Huaisang smiled without joy, full of affection and pity for his little brother. It must have been wonderful to be such a righteous and honest person that you couldn't understand that others weren't.

But Nie Huaisang had long ago learned how other people were, and so he could guess just how awful of an idea this was. First of all, Jin Guangshan was a man who loathed all his bastards, and hated being told what to do. Secondly, if Nie Huaisang were to give Meng Yao a recommendation, it would just be the son of a lowly concubine supporting the son of a prostitute. Between whores' sons, of course they would help one another, people might say, and then dismiss all of Meng Yao's skills because they had been praised by the wrong person.

It would be such a disservice to Meng Yao. It would be sending him to people who wouldn't appreciate him the way Nie Huaisang did.

It would be losing a friend, when he had so few.

"Jin Guangshan doesn't like me much," Nie Huaisang said at last. "I'm not really sure…"

"Please, Nie zongzhu," Lan Xichen pleaded, stepping forward. "It is really important to Meng gongzi. Maybe if Wangji too writes him a letter? After all, we owe him as well."

"How so?" Nie Huaisang asked. He shot Lan Wangji a surprised look, but it was Lan Xichen who spoke again.

"When Wangji sent me away with our books, I met Meng Yao who rescued me and protected me," Lan Xichen explained, smiling at Meng Yao who was looking more and more embarrassed. "Without his help and advice, I would surely have been caught by the Wens, and who knows what might have become of me."

"He never said."

Meng Yao risked a glance at his sect leader, and smiled weakly.

"At that time, I wasn't sure who could be trusted with such sensitive information," he confessed. "And besides I wanted to be accepted for my own merit. I wanted a chance to truly prove myself, relying only on my skills and hard work."

"And you did!" Nie Mingjue exclaimed. "So Da-Ge will write you a letter to present to Jin Guangshan. We'll be sorry to lose you, but family is what matters."

Nie Huaisang pinched his lips. Nothing good could come of Meng Yao leaving them, he was one of theirs now, he belonged with them as surely as if they shared blood.

But if Nie Mingjue truly wanted this, if he was certain of his decision… it was high time that he started becoming more involved in their sect's life, and this was part of it. Besides, what was the worst that could come from it?

"I'll write you that letter, Meng Yao," Nie Huaisang promised. "I hope you find in Lanling what you seek. And if you do not… You are always welcome in the Unclean Realm. Tomorrow, in a year, in ten… You are our friend, Meng Yao, and leaving today doesn't mean you can't return later."

And he would return, Nie Huaisang was certain of that. Still, the pain of losing this skilled collaborator, this valued friend, was compensated somewhat by the explosive joy of these three boys. Meng Yao bowed deeply in thanks, while Nie Mingjue broke the stoic persona he was trying to put on lately to hug his brother. As for Lan Xichen he smiled more brightly than Nie Huaisang had ever seen him before, saying again and again how grateful he was that Nie Huaisang was helping him repay his debt. In a very un-Lan manner, he even knelt next to Nie Huaisang and gave him a brief hug.

When Lan Xichen jumped back to his feet to return at Meng Yao's side, Nie Huaisang’s eyes met Lan Wangji, his friend once again giving him That Look.

Nie Huaisang glanced over at Lan Xichen, so excited for his friend's good fortune, while a very overwhelmed Meng Yao could only stare at him with open gratefulness and affection.

Oh.

Well, that settled the issue, Nie Huaisang thought despondently.

They would never have kept Meng Yao anyway.

#xisangweek2020 #xisang #nie huaisang #lan xichen #mdzs #honestly there isn't that much xisang in this part oops?#it's mostly nie bros stuff #jau writes #Jau draws #age reversal au

153 notes · View notes

warwaged-moved · 2 years

Note

Hythlodaeus from what we were shown has been able to remain composed in the face of great peril. What will it take to make them cry? Like, actually cry. Ugly, unstoppable tears sort of cry.

ALWAYS ACCEPTING QUESTIONS ABOUT THE MUSES!!

hyth is very composed and capable to hide most things behind a smile. even when he’s serious, he’s seldom overtly emotional, as we’ve seen time and again in elpis and the final days. it’s definitely not that he doesn’t feel things deeply, or even that he cares about not seeming too emotional. if anything, I think the root of why he’s so composed is the ages-long habit of not wanting to burden others with his feelings and taking it upon himself to be a calming and cheerful presence to others. he’s contained, but honestly, I think that’s very purposeful on his part, and not nearly as effortless as it may seem to those who don’t know him well enough to know that.

which, in turn, makes me think being far more open with his emotions when he’s alone isn’t as unlikely as one may think from how calmly we see him take some terrible things in game -- or even with other people, in situations and places he may feel there’s room to show those feelings more freely.

but because it is so purposeful imo, and because he’s capable of withstanding so much and remaining composed, I think it takes? a lot to make him cry as in, unstoppable crying. ugly, unstoppable tears would take extremes. like, really extreme situations, as the relief of seeing a loved one you thought lost turn out to be fine, or the pain of a sudden loss, or the sorrow that comes from compassion felt deeply for all your people and closest friends had to put up with for millennia.

overwhelming positive emotions could do it too, I just think it has to be something very I can’t deal with it so I’ll just break down crying. like reuniting with your dearest friend after all thousands of years, finally being able to leave behind all the suffering, even if only because you’re both dead.

death is the most obvious thing tbh. the ancients don’t see it like we or the characters in the present do, but in part I think that makes it worse when it happens without it being someone’s choice? so if it happened to someone he loves dearly, I do think it’d leave him openly devastated.

fear and pain, on their own, wouldn’t be likely to do it. they sure are emotions that can lead him to tears, but not of the unstoppable crying sort. hyth isn’t easily frightened, and he can definitely endure a lot without breaking. but I think, as it is often the case and as is the norm with him, his love for others is his greatest strength and his greatest weakness. he’s a character really rooted in his devotion for others, particularly the ones he loves. what would get to him most often to the point of tears is always connected to those he loves the most, and the incredible joy they bring, or the overwhelming sorrow it would be to lose them.

#that's a good question 😌 I just think this little guy can keep his chill 98% of the time even if he's screaming inside #‣ muse { hythlodaeus } — ❝ SOULSEER. ❞#‣ character study { hythlodaeus } — ❝ UNSHAKABLE GOOD CHEER AND INCURABLE SMUGNESS. ❞#‣ out of character { the mun } — ❝ THAT GLOOMY GIRL WHO SIGHS A LOT. ❞#he's not prone to crying at all so I just think it'd take a lot for ugly crying to happen #but the immediate answer that comes to mind is also the most plausible one:#losing the people he loves #ew spoilers #ish. I guess

5 notes · View notes

animebw · 3 years

Text

Binge-Watching: Re:Zero S2, Episodes 24-25

In which Subaru saves the day by letting everyone else save it for him, and the painful past finally gives way to a hopeful future.

Save Me

You know, it’s funny. When you strip away all the insane magical mechanics and complex fantasy intrigue, the thematic core of Re:Zero season 2 is deceptively simple; we’re all held back by the sorrows of our past, and it’s only by coming together that we can overcome those sorrows and move forward as one. It’s so basic and straightforward you’d never think it could pack as much power as it does. And yet, when it’s done right- and Re:Zero certainly does it right- it serves as the foundation for some of the most powerful stories in existence. My favorite anime of all time, Gintama, is proof enough of that. I could point to any number of scenes across this season that demonstrate how goddamn well Re:Zero tackles this theme. Subaru’s dream conversation with his parents. Emilia’s reckoning with her past. Garfiel accepting that his parents loved him. Everything about how Roswaal’s villainy stems from an inability to move on. But there’s one moment in this final set of episodes that might just top them all. Subaru stands before Beatrice, a girl imprisoned by 400 years of nihilism, believing she’s doomed to die alone without ever forging another true emotional connection again. Subaru’s already tried to wrest her free of that mindset countless times, and each time he’s fallen short. And with the mansion burning down around them, this is the last chance he’ll get. If he can’t free Beatrice from her sorrow now, they’re both going up in flames. This is, quite literally, do or die time.

And after all his failed attempts, all his words that have fallen short, Subaru finally figures out the one thing he can say to save Beatrice:

“Save me.”

Holy. Fucking. Shit. Never before have two words hit with enough raw emotion to make me break down sobbing all on their own. It’s perfect on a level I didn’t think was possible. Of course that would be the answer. Of course the only way Subaru could save such a lost soul is by swallowing his pride and asking her to save him in turn. Hasn’t his entire arc this season been about learning to let others share in his pain and help him carry his burdens? Hasn’t he repeatedly said that his greatest strength is the ability to trust in others to pick him up when he falls down? Beatrice is brave and strong, a spirit of immense power. She could live just fine on her own if she chose, and there’s little Subaru could offer her that she doesn’t have already. She’s so much greater than him from every conceivable angle, and any notions Subaru might have of “saving her” are just so on-their-face backwards it’s almost hilarious. Even he acknowledges that all the speeches he thought up to try and save her just sounded ridiculous. How can he promise to protect her when she’s more than capable of protecting herself? The only thing she lacks is the emotional support to find joy in the life she’s living, to embrace that strength and leave 400 years of loneliness behind. And that’s exactly what Subaru offers her. Not the strength to pull her out of misery, but the promise that he would weep if she died. The promise that her life matters enough to him for her survival to give him strength. In two simple words, Subaru summarizes the entirety of his best argument yet: your life matters to me. Your life is making the world a better place. So please, choose to save my life by living yourself.

Choose Me

And yes, their time together isn’t eternal. In less than a century, Subaru will live out his life and die, leaving Beatrice alone again. He’s a mere blip in the massive lifespan of a spirit, gone just as soon as he arrived. But he’ll make every second of their time together count. He’ll be there for her every second he can, asking her to be there for him just as often, demanding her attention so she’ll never feel alone again (One might even say he’s being very greedy about wanting her to share time with him, yes?) He’ll engrave their memories together in her heart so deeply, not even 400 years of isolation will be able to match it. No, he’s not the unknown stranger who was supposed to save her, but really, who could be? “That person” was only ever a phantom that might one day appear; it never really existed in the first place. Subaru can’t give Beatrice the answer to her centuries-long wait. He can’t give her an eternal salvation. But what’s the point in waiting for an uncertain enternity when you can choose a definite tomorrow instead? Why pin your hopes on a future that might never come when you can choose a life that’s sure to last, if not forever, at least for tomorrow and the days to come after? Why let fate and destiny keep you rooted in place when you can move forward by seizing fate with your own hands, however terrifying it may be? The answer Beatrice is waiting for may never come. But now there’s a different answer, reaching out for her with a hand burned from the effort of opening a scalding door because that’s how much Subaru wanted to reach her (Also, the fractures of reality forming like spiderwebs around him all throughout this talk... god, the imagery in this scene is incredible).

An answer that offers her a simple, incredible two-word solution: Choose me.

And she does.

And as they soar through the air like a shooting star... Beatrice finally calls Subaru by his name.

God. God, god, god. I thought I was crying before, that was nothing compared to how hard this hit me. Beatrice is free. She’s alive. She’s out in the world, out of her lonely library, out with the people who care about her and an endless sea of possibilities to explore. She’s ready, at long last, to leave the past behind and reach out toward the future. And most importantly, she’s ready to kick some fucking ass. Christ, the moment she stares out at the hordes of the Great Rabbit and remarks how fun a handicap this will be as she genuinely smiles for the first time in, like, forever? Perfect. Absolutely perfect. Against the full might of her new contract with Subaru, not even Daphne’s monsters stand a chance. Especially not with Emilia right by their side as well, their combined powers literally lifting the ground up like that one scene in Age of Ultron. And Subaru himself? With Beatrice watching his front and Emilia watching his back, he’s got nothing to fear. Subaru started this season trying to take on the world alone, shutting everyone out in fear that he wasn’t worthy of their love. Now, at its climax, he achieves victory by asking someone to save him and trusting in the strength of his friends to save the day while he does what he does best: act as bait for an enemy far more powerful than he’ll likely ever be. Strength not from OP superpowers, but from accepting his incredibly stifling limits and trusting the actually superpowered girls around him to defeat the evil with their own hands. I can’t think of anything more quintessentially Re:Zero than that.

A Bright Future

And with the Great Rabbit banished to an extradimensional space never to return, the battle is finally over. The Sanctuary is open, the barrier is down, and everyone is free to return to the world at large. Roswaal is defeated, and thanks to the conditions of his oath with Subaru, he’s no longer able to pose any danger to them. Though I appreciate how he isn’t just forgiven out of hand; they may need his support for the royal selection, but he still did a lot of bad shit, and it makes sense how many of Subaru’s friends would only begrudgingly let him off the hook. After absolutely clobbering the shit out of him, of course, because hoooooooly shit did he deserve that (Also, good lord, that was hilarious). Regardless, Ros can keep searching for his lost love all he wants; everyone else, including his former fellow pupil Beatrice, is already moving forward without him. Not even Emilia’s intimidated by him anymore; she’s stronger now than he’ll ever be, strong enough to stare him in the face and make him apologize for being naughty like she’s a schoolteacher and he’s a misbehaving second grader. She might still be a helplessly corny dweeb (Upon meeting the infinite Ryuzu clones: ”That must have been really tough on your mother!”), but she’s no longer bound by the fear that once held her back. She’ll never give up, not on herself, not on the people around her, not on her dream to make the world a better place and save the people she lost so long ago.

And as for Subaru? He’s still got a lot of danger ahead of him. The more he fights to try and save everyone, the more invisible scars he’s sure to accumulate, scars he can never truly share with the people he loves. But that doesn’t matter. Not as long as he can still love them. Not as long as he can still be there for them. Not as long as they can still support each other through thick and thin, giving each other strength in their darkest moments. After all, he’s got a lot of people to look after. He’s formed a contract with Beatrice and now fights by her side. He still owes Petra a good time out about town. He still needs to make things up to Rem when she finally awakens from her slumber. He’s got Otto and Garfiel looking out for him. And, of course, he’s got Emilia, the girl he loves, the girl who he’s finally become worthy of standing beside with his head held high. He’s actually her knight now! He got the big ceremony and everything! But because they’re both such dorks, they can’t help but puncture the ceremony’s grandeur right after it’s done: ”This is nothing new, but you look really cute in that outfit.” “Idiot.” God, their relationship is so good now. Subaru’s grown into a genuinely supporting boyfriend who encourages her to keep expanding her circle of companionship, to find strength and support in as many avenues as she wants. The selfishness that once rules his image of her is really and truly dead. And Emilia’s ready to face those feelings head-on, to sort out how she wants them to be together no matter how many long nights it takes. They’ve still got lots of time ahead of them.

But for now? All they need is Subaru’s hilariously bad dancing causing Emilia to break out into the biggest, purest smile we’ve ever seen from her.

That alone makes the future look all the brighter.

Odds and Ends

-Alright, so the timeline was a little wobbly with all these moving parts. Got it.

-”But however far you go, you’re still a human. You’ll never beat that devil.” Yikes. Puck definitely knows about Roswaal’s relationship with Melancholy, whatever it may be.

-Hm... I wonder why Roswaal switched from “watashi” to “boku” when he falls apart and begs Echidna for help?

-”At the very least, I want you to grow up healthy.” Every time Echidna shows compassion, it scares me.

-”THAT’S MY GIRL, BEAKO!” oh. my. god.

-Aha, so Roswaal was soul-jumping between his descendants to stay alive all this time. Thought it was something like that.

-I love how we don’t see Echidna’s eyes in these flashbacks until the very end, when Beatrice is finally bidding her goodbye.

-”About the baby I’m carrying in my belly!” I BEG YOUR FUCKING PARDON

-”Screw you, Puck!” this is how I die farewell everyone

-I desperately hope Ram doesn’t end up with Roswaal when all is said and done. He’s basically groomed her and Rem since they were children, there is nothing good about their current relationship.

-”I’m only drunk on myself and the atmosphere right now.” “See? You are drunk.” pfft

-the lighting on their faces holy fuck

And that, folks, was Re:Zero season 2. Wow. Expect my closing thoughts later today, as well as what show will take its place!

#anime #the anime binge-watcher #tabw #re:zero #re zero #Re:Zero kara Hajimeru Isekai Seikatsu #re:zero starting life in another world

12 notes · View notes

hotchley · 3 years

Text

“i think, deep down, we’re all capable of unspeakable things”

morehotchcontent day six: rocky relationship (kinda forgotten anniversary/a big fight)

tagged: @ablogofthecriminalmindsvariety

she knew just what marriage meant to aaron. he’d grown up in south virginia, where tradition was everything. where marriage was everything one could ever hope for. she had grown up in brighton, where people really did not give a flying fuck about any of that. it had never meant much to her, but to aaron it meant everything.

his proposal was so much more than a proposal. it was the final sign that he’d moved on from haley. that he truly loved her. and a part of him would always love haley, there was no point in saying he wouldn’t, but this- this was him saying thank you, i love you, i won’t leave, i trust you, i want to see you in the morning and make you my own all at once.

“i can’t marry you,” she whispered.

keep your tissues handy. that’s all i’m saying.

warnings: implied/referenced child abuse, references to george foyet, mentions of minor character death, cheating

read on ao3!

Everyone viewed Aaron Hotchner as cold and emotionless. Someone who was constantly stoic and unattached, who saw the horrors that came with the BAU and didn’t even flinch. But what most of them didn’t realise was that the man they saw at work and in the field wasn’t Aaron. That man was Hotch. He knew how to compartmentalise, how to pretend that he wasn’t falling apart, how to keep the tremble out of his voice when all he wanted to do was fall apart.

Aaron was a different man. Aaron would play pretend with his son for hours on end, just to keep him happy and make him smile. He woke up in the middle of the night, drenched in sweat and breathing heavily as his body shook and tears streamed down his face as the monsters of his day haunted his night. He would dance with Penelope because he could never say to her.

He was a helpless romantic.

Eleanor- Ellie to her friends, and SSA Birch to local police departments- knew this first-hand.

She had first met Aaron Hotchner during the liaison programme with Kate Joyner. Kate had been unimpressed by everyone there, because the last time she’d done it, they’d all acted like they knew so much better than her. Eleanor had met Aaron first, and immediately wondered where everyone like him had been when Kate first did it.

Because Aaron was lovely. He held doors open, he listened, he smiled at everyone, and he phoned his girlfriend- not his wife, even though they’d been dating since high school and he was now twenty-eight- during every single break they had, regardless of the time difference.

Then she’d fucked up and kissed him. They had both been drunk. A case had gone shit, and she needed something good. But then he called her Haley. And she’d immediately sobered up. He had looked at her with such shame that she almost cried. For some reason, she knew his passcode. The moment he ran to the bathroom to throw up the alcohol, she unlocked it. Phoned Haley. Said that her boyfriend was going to blame himself for what had happened but it wasn’t him it was her.

And Haley… had been lovely. She’d said that she knew Aaron loved her. And that Eleanor seemed like a lovely person but she understood that need for comfort. Eleanor had wondered how people were still so good. She didn’t tell Aaron about the phone call. He left the next day. The programme was finished. She thought that would be the end of it.

Then she transferred over to the BAU. She hadn’t known he was Unit Chief. David Rossi did her interview. It was incredibly awkward at first. She wasn’t used to hiding from her teammates but Aaron had panicked when he first saw her and started pretending he’d never seen her. Her only option was to play along. Haley had just left him at this point.

Kate Joyner obviously recognised her. That was a conversation she never wanted to have again. She thought she’d jeopardised both her place on the team and her dynamic. Then Kate died, Hotch lost his hearing temporarily and she was the only person that Reid would let touch him after the fiasco with Benjamin Cyrus.

She liked Spencer. He was almost like the son she never had.

It was Eleanor that had stayed behind with Aaron after Haley’s funeral and dealt with the phone calls. She told herself it was because she was trying to be a good person and repent for what she had done. Truthfully it was because she knew he was going to fall. And she didn’t want the burden of catching him to fall to the others who had already supported him through so much- Adrian Bale, Vincent Perrotta, Haley leaving.

They’d been getting to a good place. Not quite dating, but not quite friends. She knew he was watching her; there was a reason she was a profiler. He knew she still loved him, but he was grieving Haley. It wouldn’t be fair to her if he suddenly changed their whole dynamic.

But then he faked Emily’s death and it was like they were right back at square one: she would undermine everything he said because she was angry, and he was there, and it was easy to blame him. Her emotions had always been her greatest strength and her fatal flaw.

And then he’d turned up at her apartment, soaked through from the rain, eyes wide and glistening with unshed tears. She’d been too shocked to close the door on him. He’d immediately started rambling about how he couldn’t live the way he was, and how he just needed to know that she trusted him because everything was falling apart and he just needed her.

Not knowing what else to do, she’d kissed him. It had been messy, and wet, and nowhere near as romantic as either of them liked to pretend it had been. But it had been their first actually sober kiss, so it held a special place in her heart. And after that, it was like everything just fell into place.

Which led to the present moment. She knew what day it was. She knew her present to him was still safely tucked away in the bathroom behind her pads and his spare shower gel which he wouldn’t need for another twenty days. She knew he was excited, because for once, he could guarantee that he would be home.

After his surgery, he realised that he couldn’t keep doing what he was doing because sooner or later it was going to kill him. He hadn’t wanted to place the burden of keeping everyone together on Morgan though. So Emily came back. Her and Dave split the paperwork for lead profiler, and Morgan took over as unit chief. It had been difficult for him, those first few months.

But he’d pulled through, and was now living a much more stress free life as a law professor at the local college. It meant he could go to Jack’s school events and be there for him. It let Jessica have more time to herself.

It also meant he planned nice things for days like these. And Ella knew it was unfair to keep him waiting, but she just couldn’t bring herself to get up and go home, choosing instead to focus on the casefile in front of her. The bullpen was quiet: JJ had her own office and had gone home anyways, Reid had gone to see a piano concert thing- she’d tried her best to follow but had just gotten lost- and Anderson was out of town.

So instead of it being lively and loud, it was just her. And her casefile. Which she’d been looking at for the past ten minutes without any of the information going into her head.

With a groan, she slammed it shut and pushed it away.

“Shouldn’t you have gone home by now?” Dave asked, appearing at either the best or worst possible moment depending on your view, just like he always did.

“Probably. But I just- I can’t bring myself to do it,” she confessed.

Dave sighed. “You need to. Aaron will start to worry if you don’t. And we all already told him that there are no cases, so don’t even think of using the paperwork from that as an excuse.”

She sighed. “You’re insufferable.”

“And you still sound like you grew up in Buckingham Palace.” He picked up the case file. “Nothing’s happened here for six months. I’m sure one night won’t hurt. Now go.”

Eleanor packed her stuff up, giving him a small smile as she closed the door behind her. It immediately faded as soon as she’d turned away from him and her stomach started to twist into knots. She didn’t know if the team knew and weren’t saying anything, or if they were actually following the no profiling rule. She wasn’t sure she wanted to know either.

When she unlocked the front door, there was a distinct lack of noise. It made her feel even worse. Hotch had obviously organised for Jack to go and stay with his grandparents because she remembered that Jessica had a date, which would’ve been awkward enough for him, and here she was, two hours late, not because she’d forgotten, but because she hadn’t wanted to go.

“Hi El,” Aaron said as she entered the living room. He was sat on the couch, reading glasses sliding down his nose as he graded papers. “Just let me write this final comment and then I’m yours.”

“Hi,” she replied, feeling uneasy.

Aaron looked up. “You’re supposed to say: I can’t wait that long and then come over and give me a kiss.”

She rolled her eyes but obeyed nonetheless, legs feeling wobbly as she sat on him, smiling when he let out a soft sound of surprise. She tilted his face so she could kiss him and for the moment where their lips met, everything was fine. Then he pulled away, and she just wanted to get away. But his hand was stroking her hip in a comforting gesture and she wasn’t ready to give that up, so instead she ran her hand through his hair.

“What’s this one about?” she asked.

“They’re supposed to be critiquing and suggesting reforms for the law surrounding murder. I gave them a tonne of advice and access to all the relevant articles but some of them still didn’t even try and word it in a way that sounds like their own essay style,” he said, sighing.

Eleanor smiled slightly and set the paper down on the table. “I’m sorry for being late. But I’m here now. So why don’t you show me how all out you went this year?”

Aaron looked into her eyes and she was once again taken aback by how soft and gentle they were. Sometimes it was difficult to remember that he had once beaten a man to death. She tried to remove that thought from her head. It just was not the time.

“You never have to apologise for being late. I used to do your job, remember?”

She nodded. “How could I forget?”

“Do you want to change whilst I reheat dinner?” he asked.

“Sure.”

Their conversations hadn’t sounded that forced since she had first joined the BAU and had been adding sir onto almost all of her statements in an attempt to rile him up.

As she went upstairs to change into something more casual, she also took the time to wipe off her make-up and splash some water on her face. She only intended to take five minutes. But then she started staring at her reflection, trying to see whether or not her actions were as obvious as she thought they were. But then she became aware of the clock ticking- Aaron hated digital clocks because of the flashing numbers- and realised how long she’d been stood there for.

“I was beginning to worry,” Aaron said. A normal comment. But an invitation to tell him what was wrong.

She shrugged. “It’s our anniversary. And although I technically didn’t forget, I was late and I wanted to make that up to you, which meant going through the wardrobe and finding this dress.”

“The fact that you still say wardrobe will never fail to make me laugh,” Aaron said.

He’d made chicken and mushroom pie. Her favourite. She wanted to be sick. It was just a few hours. She could get through a few hours. Aaron was a half-decent person. He listened when people said no. Then she could go to sleep, and everything would go back to normal. Nobody would know but it wouldn’t hang over her head the same way it was when he was sat opposite her, staring with such adoration.

They ate in relative silence. She didn’t want to explain why she was late. She wanted to let him believe that it was purely because time had gotten away from her and that the meeting she’d had with Cruz about the last case had run over. She didn’t want to explain that she’d deliberately walked slowly so she would miss the train. She couldn’t.

“Your present is something old this year. I hope that’s okay,” Aaron said when they had both finished eating. There was a glint in his eye. One he only got when he was about to do something very romantic.

Eleanor frowned. Something old. Where had she heard that?

He got down on one knee.

She gasped.

“My Ella. You continue to love me day after day and for what reason, I don’t know. We didn’t pass on the best terms. But then you came back into my life when I didn’t even realise I needed you, in this massive explosion of passion and love and hope. You were there for me when I didn’t think I’d be able to survive. And you never once doubted me. I know that I’m far from perfect, and there are times where I get angry instead of being understand. And I know that I’ve upset you, but you helped me realise that as a couple, we don’t have to be perfect. We just have to try. I love you. I love you so much that I can’t even begin to put it into words. So I’ll put it into a question. Eleanor Birch, will you marry me?”

She knew just what marriage meant to Aaron. He’d grown up in South Virginia, where tradition was everything. Where marriage was everything one could ever hope for. She had grown up in Brighton, where people really did not give a flying fuck about any of that. It had never meant much to her, but to Aaron it meant everything.

His proposal was so much more than a proposal. It was the final sign that he’d moved on from Haley. That he truly loved her. And a part of him would always love Haley, there was no point in saying he wouldn’t, but this- this was him saying thank you, I love you, I won’t leave, I trust you, I want to see you in the morning and make you my own all at once.

“I can’t marry you,” she whispered.

The box fell from his hands. He moved back into his chair, hands folded neatly in his lap.

“Okay,” he said.

That shocked her back into awareness. “I- what? You just proposed, I said no and all you have to say is okay?”

“I don’t know what you want me to say. I don’t know what I want to say. I want to say that Jack won’t have a problem- in fact, he has and always will be my first priority so I wouldn’t have done this without his permission- but you already know that don’t you?”

She nodded. “I do.”

They both cringed at her choice of words.

“If it’s about changing your surname, I may have grown up with traditional views, but you don’t have to do that. Not if you don’t want to. We can combine them. We could be the Hotchner-Birch’s. Or you could just keep your own. I don’t really mind.”

“It’s not that either.”

“Jack isn’t expecting you to be his mother either. He’ll probably still call you El, just like I do.”

“It isn’t Jack.”

“That was my mother’s engagement ring. She gave it to me when I told her I wanted to propose to Haley. She said that hopefully it would bring me better luck than it had bought her. At the time, I hated the damn thing because it had come from my father. So I didn’t give it to Haley. Now I’m older I understand why she gave it to me. So the girl I married would always be able to have a piece of the woman that made me who I am. But if that weirds you out, we can go look for another one.”

“Would you stop being so good and kind for one fucking minute?” Ella snapped, unable to take anymore.

Aaron flinched, even after all the years that had passed. “I’m sorry,” he whispered.

Ella ran a hand through her hair. “God, no. Please don’t be sorry. This isn’t your fault. None of this is your fault. It’s just- I can’t. I can’t marry you and it’s nothing you have done. It’s got nothing to do with Jack either. I love that kid. And I’m so proud of how far he’s come. But I just- I can’t.”

“You’ve told me that. Multiple times now. Just tell me why. Tell me what happened and we can work through it. Because I love you. And I want to spend the rest of my life with you. And if anything happens to me, I want custody of Jack to go to you. Not the state.”

Aaron had never told her that before. They’d spoken at great lengths about children and both agreed that they didn’t want anymore. Jack was enough for both of them. And they’d talked about what would happen if for some reason, Ella had to care for Jack for extended amounts of time. But never like this.

He dropped his gaze when he saw the look on her face. “I’m sorry. You just said you don’t want to marry me, and here I am, dropping bombshells like that on you because that awful part of me wants you to feel guilty. Look, whatever you did, what happened, tell me. We can get through it.”

She hoped that he could abandon his morals long enough for her to not have to say the words. “Aaron, look at me. Please. Please, I need you to look at me.”

Tears were already forming in her eyes when he finally managed to meet her gaze.

“No,” he whispered.

He had seen that look twice in his life. Once when his mother turned to his father and asked why a young lady had phoned asking to speak to her husband. Once when Haley’s mobile had rung and she hadn’t been able to provide the reason behind the call. He knew what that look meant. He knew, and he wished he didn’t because he wasn’t sure he could handle it all over again.

“I’m so sorry,” she whispered. “I am so, so sorry and if I could take it back, I would but I can’t and all I can do is apologise and say that I regret it and I had never felt worse than in that moment.”

“Who was it? Was it someone I know?”

“God no. They would never.”

“Did they look like me?”

“Why are you asking me that?”

“Because I need to know. I need to know who this man was. I need to know why you were so willing to throw our entire relationship away for one night of pleasure. Or was it more? Has this been going on for a while? Am I just a joke to you? Is that what it is?”

“No! And it was a one-time thing, I swear. It only happened once. And if you really must know, yes. He looked like you. Are you happy now? I don’t want to have to relive that night because it was one of the worst nights of my life.”

“Of your life? I was going to marry you Eleanor. When- when even was this? And why?”

Eleanor’s emotions always got the better of her. “You want to know when? It was that case. That case where all the boys turning up dead and mutilated looked exactly like Jack. Like our son. And then the unsub got away. And I phoned you. I phoned you at least five times that night, but not once did you pick up, because you were at a faculty dinner, even though you promised me that you would always be there, no matter where you were. I needed to hear your voice telling me everything would be all right. I needed you, and you weren’t there.”

Aaron gripped the table tightly, all the colour in his face immediately vanishing. He remembered that night. He too regretted it. When he saw Eleanor’s first phone call, he’d started to excuse himself to answer it, knowing there could only be a few reasons for it. But then one of his colleagues had made a snide comment- one he couldn’t even remember now- and he’d put his phone on silent before tucking it away.

When Dave told him about the case because Eleanor couldn’t, he’d felt like the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He still did. How had he fucked up so badly that Eleanor had slept with someone else?

No. That wasn’t on him. He’d screwed up, but she, and she alone, was responsible for her actions. It had been her decision to sleep with someone, not his.

“So you slept with someone else? Why not go to one of the team and tell them instead? Why did you have to sleep with someone?”

“I don’t know! I can’t explain what I did and I can’t justify it but I- you were the one that said we could move past this. You were the one that said, whatever I had done, we could work out together because you loved me. I still love you. I never stopped, not even when you went back to Haley all those years ago. We could make it work.”

Aaron laughed, but there was no humour. “No. No we can’t. Because that case was a month ago. You had a month to tell me, and you’re only telling me now because I asked you to marry me. What was your plan? Just not say anything till either I worked it out myself or you stopped feeling guilty?”

Eleanor didn’t have a response.

Aaron ran his hands through his hair, tugging it. Ella wanted to pry his hands away from it so he didn’t pull it out but that wasn’t her job anymore. It never would be again.

“I feel like such an idiot. You know, when you first kissed me, my first thought was: don’t do this. Because the first time you kissed me, you knew I had a girlfriend. And I was just as responsible because I didn’t pull away immediately, I know. But you kissed me. And in the back of my mind, I knew that there was every chance you would do the same again. I just never thought you actually would because I thought you’d grown up. I guess you haven’t.”

That was the problem with profilers, Eleanor thought to herself. They always knew exactly where to strike in order to cause the most pain. She just never thought Aaron would be the one doing it to her.

“I’m sorry,” she said, because what else could she say?

Aaron shook his head. “I don’t want to hear you say that anymore. You can- I’ll sleep in the guest bedroom until you find an apartment. But once you have, I never want to see you again. I’ll spare Jack the finer details of what happened, but it’ll be his choice whether or not he carries on talking to you. But never refer to him as your son ever again. He isn’t. Not anymore.”

Eleanor did not want his kindness. She wanted Aaron to make her pay. She wanted him to be angry, to hurl insults at her and tell her to get out, that he never wanted to see her again and that she would never be allowed within six feet of his son again.

But Aaron wouldn’t. He was too scared of what would happen if he lost control. He had been since Foyet. And she could mention that. She could mention every fear, every secret, every dream he’d ever shared with her.

She didn’t. She had already hurt him enough.

“I have friends not too far from here. I’ll pack enough for a week and that should be enough time to sort out something more permanent.”

If Aaron heard her, he didn’t say anything.

It only took her ten minutes to pack, which was one of the advantages of living with him. Everything had to be perfectly organised, which meant it was very easy to find things. When she entered the living room, he hadn’t moved. He was still staring at the ground. The ring was on the floor by the dining table, shining despite the darkness of the room.

It was rather ironic, this thing that had led to so much destruction being so beautiful.

“Goodbye Aaron,” Eleanor said, placing her keys on the coffee table.

Only when the door closed behind her for what would probably be the last time did Aaron Hotchner fall to his knees and sob, for the second woman he had loved and lost and for the mother Jack would never get to have.

#morehotchcontent2020 #day six: rocky relationships #aaron hotchner #aaron hotch hotchner #hotch #hotch x ofc #original characters #original female character #david rossi #jack hotchner #tw child abuse #cheating #angst #criminal minds #criminal minds fic #basically i was tired of hotch always being the one cheating #he wouldn’t do that

22 notes · View notes

makeste · 4 years

Text

some rambling about legacies, and opening up, and All Might has two sons more at 11

can I offer you an essay about All Might and his children in these trying times.

so back before he got swept up in the great tides of character development, Bakugou used to think that in order for him to succeed at becoming the best hero, it meant that Deku could not succeed. he thought it was a zero sum game; he could only be strong if Deku stayed weak. if Deku grew strong, then that would mean he was the weak one. there wasn’t room for the two of them to reach the top together. it could only be one or the other.

this is of course patently false, and we’ve since seen it disproven beyond a shadow of a doubt, and Katsuki has learned that it’s okay for them to work together. not just okay, but correct; the only way, the best way. it doesn’t make him weak; working with Deku improves them both and helps them both to succeed.

so given that, I think it stands to reason that if this holds true for success and power levels, it should also hold true for their character development, and their personal relationships -- such as their relationship with All Might.

oddly enough, this is something that’s come under a fair amount of criticism. and interestingly, these criticisms have come from two very different perspectives. All Might spent too much time with Deku and focused too much on him and ignored Katsuki in his favoritism, which did a great deal of harm to Katsuki’s mental health. or the reverse: All Might’s bond with Deku is special and important, and there’s a closeness there that should never have been encroached on by Bakugou, and him sitting in on all of the OFA Club meetings now is unfair to Deku and takes away the one special thing that he had, and for once Kacchan should not make it about him and should butt out.

there isn’t room for both. or so both of these standpoints would seem to imply. All Might cannot be a close mentor to both Katsuki and Izuku; if he gets closer to one, it must necessarily be at the expense of the other.

pardon my very blunt take, but... bullshit.

let’s start by talking about something which I don’t often see discussed: All Might’s similarities to Bakugou. yes, Bakugou. not Izuku, the little green Might Jr., but Bakugou Katsuki, whose hostile and volcanic personality would at first glance seem to clash with All Might’s in almost every way possible. All Might is kind and altruistic and empathetic and burdened with a soul-deep need to help and protect others. All Might was born quirkless. All Might is the mirror image of Deku. All Might chose Deku as his successor specifically because he sees himself in Deku. all of this is absolutely true.

but All Might also keeps to himself. All Might goes to great lengths to avoid being seen as weak. All Might doesn’t let people close to him. All Might rarely works as part of a team. All Might is a natural talent. All Might smiles when he’s up against a wall. All Might is synonymous with determination. and All Might takes responsibility far beyond what he should, and burdens himself and blames himself when things go wrong, even when the outcome is out of his control. and at those times, All Might blames himself for not being stronger.

do you see?? All Might is like Deku, yes, but not only Deku. the truth is that All Might and Katsuki are alike as well. not only are they alike, they’re far too alike, in ways that All Might probably wishes they were not. where Deku is a mirror of All Might’s goodness and selflessness and optimism, Katsuki is a mirror of All Might’s strength and resolve and determination. but he is also a mirror of what is possibly All Might’s greatest weakness: his isolation.

this, perhaps, is a natural consequence that comes from having the sort of physical talent that both he and Katsuki possess. All Might grew up quirkless just as Deku did, yes, but once he received One for All from Nana in his teens, he took to it just as instinctively and intuitively as Katsuki has taken to his quirk. there was none of the steep learning curve that Deku experienced; OFA came to All Might easily, and he was by all accounts a force of nature during his school years.

the downside of this, however, is that when everything comes easily to you, you start to feel like everything always should. that because you are capable, you need to be capable. you start to build up expectations of yourself that don’t take into account the simple truth that no matter how gifted you are, everybody fails at some point or another. and because you are strong, because you never fail, you never learn how to let yourself rely on other people. you never learn how to ask for help.

and needless to say, this is a terrible, even fatal weakness to have. and what makes it all the more destructive is that this particular weakness is self-perpetuating and feeds into itself. you don’t know how to admit when you need help, and so you never get the help you need. it’s a brutal fucking cycle, and so it’s no wonder that All Might spent years and years and years trying to do everything all alone.

and he lost Nana. his mentor, the woman who was like a mother to him. and that only made matters worse. he lost the person who believed in him and encouraged him, and who understood the burden he was carrying better than anyone else, because she herself had struggled with that same burden. and so the one person he might have been able to reach out to, he ended up losing in the most devastating way possible. and so not only was he heartbroken and traumatized and likely blaming himself, but it also left him more alone than ever before, with the pain of that loss basically ensuring he wouldn’t ever open himself up and let anyone else in again.

and it’s easy to look at the impact of All Might’s downfall at Kamino, and the many shortcomings and vulnerabilities it exposed, and wonder what the hell he was thinking, and to blame him for not recognizing the fragility of the society he helped to build, and for the arrogance of thinking that a lone pillar could support an entire country all on its own and not inevitably come crumbling down. and yes; for all of his goodness and optimism, the notion that All Might had of a lone Symbol of Peace was deeply flawed.

but we learn from our failures. and after decades of struggling to support the world all on his own, All Might finally did fail. and after years of stubbornly trying to fight on anyway in spite of his injuries, he was finally forced to accept that his time was coming to an end, and that he needed to pass on his legacy. and in many ways, his mentoring of Izuku has been as much of a learning process for him as it has been for his protege.

because for all of the similarities I discussed earlier, there are also ways in which Deku is not like him at all. Deku is used to failure. Deku is not afraid to ask for help. and Deku does naturally what All Might has always struggled to do: he reaches out.

and who does he reach out to? first and foremost, to another boy with whom, as I mentioned, All Might shares all too many similarities.

another boy who’s isolated. another boy who doesn’t know how to ask for help, who is afraid to fail.

All Might understands Katsuki remarkably well right from the start. of course he does; how could he not? and because he is all too aware of the effect that kind of stubborn self-reliance has on a person, he is hesitant at first to reach out to Katsuki in the same way that he does to Izuku. not because of a lack of care or concern, but because he knows -- all too well -- that Katsuki will not accept it. and so instead he takes a different approach with him, trying to guide him while still respecting his pride and stubbornness.

so this is kind of the status quo for them for a while. but now here’s where things finally get interesting. because as All Might’s powers continue to wane, and he’s forced to come to terms with his own weaknesses and to rely more and more on others, he finally begins to see where it was that he went wrong. and as he grows to care more about Izuku, he realizes that he doesn’t want him to have to suffer in the same way that he did.

and during this same time, Katsuki is also starting to go through his own personal journey which includes so many of the same struggles that All Might came up against. everything that comes along with the mindset of thinking you only need to rely on yourself. so here, again, is someone who is so much like All Might was. who is putting the same kind of pressure on himself of thinking that it’s not okay to fail. and who, eventually, also comes to experience the same pain of feeling responsible for the “loss” of someone he admired more than anyone.

and it’s one thing for All Might not to acknowledge his own pain, but it’s quite another to recognize that same pain in someone else. and I think that once he did, he came to the same realization he did with Izuku: that he doesn’t want Katsuki to suffer like he did. see, that’s the thing about being selfless. you’re numb to it while it only affects you. it’s not until you see that same pain affecting someone else that you finally start to realize how fucked up it actually is.

and so this, fittingly, is what prompts All Might to finally reach out to Katsuki. the realization that Katsuki has been struggling alone, the same as himself. and at the same time, the long-overdue and crucial recognition that the past doesn’t have to be repeated. that he can be there for him, even if he’s still trying to figure out the best way how, and even if he still hasn’t come to terms with the near-identical burdens that he bears himself.

and so Katsuki has now officially gained one (1) Dadmight as well. and so here we have two boys, each a reflection of their beloved hero in their own way. two boys, and one legacy. a legacy which All Might carried proudly, but which nearly ended up destroying him in the end. two boys whose strengths and weaknesses seamlessly complement each other’s. two boys who already share a bond the likes of which All Might himself never had growing up.

the solution is obvious. but more than that, it’s necessary. so that neither of these boys has to go through what he went through. so that neither of them will ever have to fight alone. so that if they fall -- when they fall -- the other one will be there to help them get back up.

Deku has the quirk, but One for All is more than just a quirk. pardon me for getting all sappy, but it’s right there in the name -- One for All. it’s more than a power; it’s the legacy of working together to fight evil. a legacy of inspiring hope in others. and a legacy of never, ever giving up.

that legacy is both of theirs to share. that will is both of theirs to inherit. both Izuku and Katsuki are All Might’s successors. and he takes pride in them both.

and All Might doesn’t love Izuku any less because he is also a mentor to Katsuki. and All Might doesn’t care about Katsuki any less because he also has a close bond with Izuku. and All Might mentoring the one will always also be in the other one’s best interests. because the stronger they become, the stronger they can be for each other.

and they’ll need to be. because one thing All Might does understand all too well is that regardless of whether he lives or dies, he won’t always be able to be there for them.

so do you see? the reason why it’s so important for All Might to mentor them both. to mentor them together. because Katsuki can inspire and support Izuku in ways that All Might can’t. Izuku can reach Katsuki to an extent which All Might cannot. and All Might knows this, and has understood it almost from the start.

in conclusion, there really isn’t and never has been a war for All Might’s affections. Katsuki becoming a part of the squad isn’t forced; it’s foreshadowed. it doesn’t take away from what All Might has with Deku; it’s proof that All Might cares deeply about Deku and is taking steps to secure his future. and for All Might himself, it gives him a new purpose: to be there for these kids, to guide them and continue to support them.

and them coming together shows their growth. it shows how far they’ve come as characters. it’s the culmination of something that has been in the works since the start. All Might has two sons, plain and simple, and debating which one is the favorite child is really missing the entire point. that this is the story of two boys, who grew up admiring the same person.

and the story of how the two of them take that legacy, and make it their own.

together.

anyway that’s my post! if anyone needs me I’ll be sitting here thinking about these boys and how much I love them and their dad, and pondering other comforting topics to write therapeutic essays about.

#bnha #all might #bakugou katsuki #midoriya izuku #bnha meta #bnha spoilers #mha spoilers #makeste reads bnha #this post brought to you by residual feelings about heroes rising which I still have a whole month later #and by my conflicting need to take some time to recover from the current events of the manga but also still wanting to post about bnha #and by the letter k #bakugou meta

167 notes · View notes