I move through tar
I get up
I make coffee
At least I think the cup is clean enough
I sit at my desk
and I stare
My hands are busy
and my mind is numb but
inside I’m screaming
Why does nobody see me?
I have tried
so hard
to reach out
No takers
Too reliant
on those
too busy
too drowning
in their own
oceans of pain
Where is the
life boat?
I’m drowning
and I’m screaming
but no one is hearing
I might as well
just fade away.
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after writing a paper
against following your emotions,
i laid in bed;
i'm sorry i missed dinner
my heart was heavy
and needed holding.
i can identify
my word choice and argument
but not my own fears.
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tap-tap
there goes a minute
tap-tap
there goes my time
tap-tap
there goes my life
tap-tap
there goes my mind
tap-tap
there went the guy i love
tap-tap
there went my smile
tap-tap
there went my non-existent career
tap-tap
like it'd last a while
tap-tap
there goes the stinging
tap-tap
there go the tears
tap-tap
everytime i think too hard
tap-tap
come my illogical fears
tap-tap
i've gotta do better
tap-tap
but i know i won't
tap-tap
i should get up on time
tap-tap
we all know i don't
tap-tap
i know i need help
tap-tap
i know i won't get it
tap-tap
cause i don't like myself
tap-tap
see, i admit it
snap-snap
my mind's in a panic
snap-snap
what am i even doing
snap-snap
i'm getting sort of frantic
snap-snap
though its my own life i'm screwing
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soldier, poet, king
i took the soldier, poet, king test
i got king
of course i got king
what else was i possibly expecting
when has my life ever not been a burden for me to bear
a weight placed on my shoulders
"a natural leader" they called me as if they did not make me this way
forged me to be independent (quiet) and strong (afraid to ask for help) and a leader (needing to take charge because things are easier if
i
do
them
myself)
kings are the gifted children
i was so far ahead they didn't know what to do with me
and now i'm average
and it hurts
Duty. Strength. Resignation.
when did i stop doing things for the love of them
when did life become a chore
when did everything become a routine to follow before i could be done
when did i start hating everything i did
when did i become the king
was i always the king?
they ruined me
they turned me into this
this is their fault
and now i'm the king
yes, king.
always king.
it was never going to be different.
and i'll take the crown
and live with it
and wish
maybe
i could be the poet instead
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"03's Loop"
Some thoughts about the date (Sept 30th) and what it means to me, I cycle thoughts in a constant cognitive loop.
.
.
.
FHDURJSKSJSSJ I HAD THE BEST BDAY EVER???
I'm usually the one to plan stuff for everyone and everything in my house when it comes to special occasions. I didn't have anything planned for my bday other than to sit and watch jjba
This year, I had my first ever suprise party 😭💕
(Poem under the cut,
if you wanna read it.
It is kinda long lol)
My memory is constant failure
03's Loop
Fragmented and scattered by the winds of time
What I recall is very little,
Painful and sad
20 years living
Happiness tends to not come so easily
The date is September 30th
I was born this day
Cleft lip on display
The kids at school used to
Call me songs and names
My parents have no baby pictures of me
I used to wonder why
The fragments of childhood still pierce skin years later
A once forgotten shard is found again
Recent memories dig further into the wounds
My mind with a terrible metallic buzz
Anxiety in its constant
Adult since 9,
A child at 20,
Both too young
And too old for this body,
A terrible loss for someone so seemingly bright
Yet despite it all,
This grief,
This fear,
That comes with being human,
I'd like to believe
That I will be okay in the end
Holding on for that quiet moment
Holding on for that feeling of soft fur and a warm pulse,
From a friend with pointy ears and sharp teeth,
I've always been soft for dogs
(I miss my childhood dog, Rocky)
Holding on for the day that I can sit
And listen to the rain
While drinking hot chocolate
(I still think about my last memory of him, even to this day)
I'm only 20,
I still have the rest of my life ahead of me.
Even now, I am still scared but,
I can't wait to see what the future holds for me
Guess I've always been a sucker for pain :P
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I miss our midnight talks,
And the way you’d speak to me,
How my eyes would gleam and my stomach churn
With all the things you’d say to me.
I miss the photos on the game
Captured memories throughout our play
Like a Time Capsule in a cage,
Set free through deleted dismayed
A year and a half meant a lot to me,
As well as your ways,
As well as your laughter,
As well as your name.
I miss the times we spent,
Since we’ll never have it again.
The way life goes as you travel through paths
Sometimes you run into stone.
I miss it a lot, i truly do.
Something I thought I could never let go of.
Something I though would last a lifetime,
But now I’ve realized I’ve let go of you.
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I’ve loved being a child.
To run in the grass,
To giggle with my friends,
To order off the kids menu.
Later, to be so desperate to grow up.
To drive a car
Leave the state
Get a job
Go to college
I still want those things
But god do I want to play in the stream again
Or to see the flowers with the same childish wonder
To watch the fireflies in the yard without fear of judgement
I loved being a child.
And I’m happy to be an adult.
But god, will I miss the child I leave behind.
“18th Birthday”, 2024, a free verse poem by me. Shocker!! It was written on my 18th Birthday. Feeling lots of things rn but luckily tumblr is like a void to shout into, so I’ll do that.
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Happiness will come in late March
It will knock on my wooden door,
And enter my light brown cottage.
It will be accompanied by Spring,
Who just recently visited my garden.
We will have tea together
And talk about flowers and birds.
The forest sun will be warm
And welcoming for everyone.
Happiness will come in late March
And I will accept it with love.
Feb 1, 2023
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There is ice on the lake now
Where swans used to swim
I don’t know if I can stand
This air of fear and isolation
Their ghosts right there
Before my eyes
Graceful
Gliding
Diving their heads
Shooting out of the water
Dripping
They quiver
For a moment
There is ice on the lake now
Where I saw ducks a second ago
Waddling under the surface
Peaceful
Friends with
Everyone
I’m so alone
I have no wings to follow
Going south
For me there are no
Means of escape
All I can do
What I shall do
I look out on that frozen lake
I close my heart
For a few more months
Waiting
For the ice
To thaw
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i knew not the justice
in my anger
only the restraint
in her embrace
and the sunlight
just out of reach
i stared down at the grass
and told her, "let me go."
she said, "listen first -
before you regain this
remember that you never
should have lost it."
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I feel all mush-mushy
my smiles all super droopy
im sure my love and affection
and my worship-the-ground-you-walk-on-ness
is showing
and i dont care
ill tell you
ill say
that i have
a crush
on a guy
with your name
and they look like you
and talk like you
and act like you
and ive liked him ever since
october
and i
i sorta love him
and if you ask
if that person is you
ill laugh and smile
because of course it is
always has been
and if
i die
right then
right there
due to nerves
like i always thought i would
itll be ok
cause the words will be out
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tsunami
what is a crush?
it is searching for your initial on those
"interact to claim" posts
it is thinking of your name
every time someone mentions a crush
it is looking at you
just to look
i cant help it that you're pretty
it is making you laugh and then
saying more things to make you laugh more
amid the ache in my stomach knowing
you dont feel the same way
it is promising myself
that i wouldnt write poetry about you
but here i am
with a poem
it is the ocean going out
so slowly that you dont realize
until you are standing
and a wave looms large
and you cannot help
but be swallowed
by the sea
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Velvet Ivory and Corpse Flowers
My heart swells with sweet venom and molded candy
I touch the flesh of the darkness in moments of strength
And sink into the twisted relief of fractured innocence -
I have seen not the pained eyes of my true face,
But know for certain that half of it would be rotten,
And the other, as cruelly perfect as porcelain
How I want to be like the white bride
In her room of velvet ivory and corpse flowers,
But I am torn, and also envy the red king
In his court of violins, of decadent madness
Fortunes rise, and fortunes fall,
But none will mend me into one
-Inspired by the works of someone I admire.
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Coffee Shop (2023)
I go up to the counter to place my order.
The queer coded barista senses my nerves.
I didn’t realize that my heartbeat could be heard in “can I get an iced matcha latte?”
I take a seat close to the window
and there’s a draft from the fall air.
Old windows can’t keep the cold air out
But at least the morning light can be seen through the grey clouds.
Maybe I should have ordered a hot drink.
Some soft indie pop plays in the background.
Definitely more my taste in music.
Actually this whole place feels like a reflection of me
And I hope you feel welcome
We haven’t seen each other in 5 years
But it wasn’t like things were going great the 5 years before that
… Or the 5 years before that
A drive thru breakfast used to be our thing
On a Sunday morning.
Running errands (or at least pretending to)
It felt like our time to catch up
Over a cup of coffee in your car.
I think this might be our first time sitting in a coffee shop together.
I’ve grown to really enjoy them since the last time we saw each other
And I worry that you’ll feel overwhelmed.
You don’t leave the house much anymore
And you feel at home in the dark.
I realized I needed to not just open the curtains
But actually step into the sun.
Are you scared of the daylight?
I became comfortable in the dark too
But nighttime gives way to the mourning
And it’s morning now.
Mine night terrors are gone
But I’m afraid they’ve joined you in the daytime.
It’s okay if they have
We have extra seats at the table
And I’m just happy you’re coming.
I look up and I see you.
I see the cloud looming over your head.
The rain was always your favourite
Even though I always found it a bit depressing.
I’ve learned to see it’s charm as I’ve gotten older.
Better that than a thunderstorm.
We lock eyes
Rain falls
They sky opens
And we enjoy a cup of coffee together on this Sunday morning.
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