Not all gender norms are as easily smashed.

Some slip through the net of public compassion, and none more so than the antiquated stereotype that ‘men cannot be victims of domestic abuse’, and that ‘women cannot be violent’.

Yes, it’s true...

Women can be breadwinners and career animals, CEOs and political leaders, high fliers, and business moguls, every bit as successful, smart, and innovative as their male peers.

And the outdated ideas of womanhood, that disallowed such things, are the stereotypes we all love to smash, stomp down, and kick into the dirt.

As we should.

But what about women’s capacity - not for roaring Fortune500 success - but their capacity for violence, and abuse?

And what about men’s capacity to be the victim of such things?

But dare utter the idea of violent women.

And there it is… Silence.

Nothing.

Where have all the whoops and cheers, the grandstanding, and pats on the back gone?

And where are our noble champions of women’s autonomy?

Why has the feminist movement, that lead the vanguard of fighting gender norms, been so reluctant to confront this one?

Or worse, why do so many of these people protect such stereotypes themselves?

In time, people have finally come to accept that men can be abused by women, but often with the caveat that these men are ‘not often injured’, or ‘they don’t fear abuse as women do’.

But yet again, the most recent data exposes these ideas as yet more harmful gender norms – the norms that most of society are too gutless, or disinterested, to confront.

So I ask you, why are we so reluctant to discuss violent women, and vulnerable men?

And who pays the price for our unwillingness to talk about them?

--

ONS Data: https://www.ons.gov.uk/peoplepopulationandcommunity/crimeandjustice/datasets/partnerabuseindetailappendixtables

Deborah Powney debunks others myths: https://tinyurl.com/yuf4s3xs

==

For the online keyboard warrior who doesn't get paid, the dishonesty is much easier to explain. They've built an entire edifice of claims - and their entire personality around those claims - based on a specific model of how the world works. When the world doesn't just not work according to that model, but runs directly counter to that model, the entire model falls into disrepute. And that puts the person's entire identity, built on sand, at risk.

This is not unlike how when Xians admit that Genesis is not literally true, the rest of the bible quickly collapses. The resuit, in both cases, is post hoc rescues, rationalisations, contradictions, fallacies and outright lies (e.g. "there's no evidence for evolution," or "all female violence is self-defence").

The model must be protected at all costs, no matter how bogus, in order to protect the adherent's identity.

It really says something that the Helluva Boss fandom is willing to excuse every evil action Stella does and every evil thing she says, especially her abuse towards Stolas and begging for her to have sympathetic traits, yet not once have I ever seen an HB fan desperately wishing for Crimson or Mammon to be portrayed more sympathetically than they are in the show and call it bad writing when they don't show any redeeming qualities. The fandom just accepts the fact that those guys are pure evil without batting an eye. Nobody asks why they're the way they are. But Stella? Nope, there MUST be a sympathetic reason for her being an abusive bitch to Stolas because it's apparently "unrealistic" for a woman to abuse her husband out of spite never mind the fact that those kinds of women actually exist in real life.

These images pretty much speak for themselves.

Crimson, Striker, Mammon, Andrealphus and Valentino are no less two-dimensionally evil than Stella is. What reason did Crimson have to murder his own wife and make his son experience it? Just to traumatize him? The show never really says why he does it, he just does it so the audience can have a reason to hate him. What reason does Striker have to help Stella try to kill Stolas? None, as far as we know. What is there to Mammon's character other than abusing Fizzarolli and being a greedy asshole in general? Why does Andrealphus flirt with his own sister and participate in her scheme to have Stolas murdered by Striker? Because reasons. Why is Valentino a rapist who takes advantage of Angel Dust and sexually abuses him? Just because he can. What makes Stella any different from these guys other than being female?

Fans are just asking for her to be more sympathetic because she's a woman and they can't accept the fact that women are capable of abuse without trying to justify it. The whole "behind every bad bitch is a man who made her that way" bullshit. People who see a woman beating her husband in public and automatically assume he did something to deserve it even if they have no evidence or context for what actually happened. Even though Stella has been treating Stolas like shit before he cheated on her, and he likely wouldn't be sleeping with Blitzø if she wasn't so horrible to him in the first place. He never even puts his hands on her and allowed her to abuse him so that Octavia could live and grow up with normal parents. (As normal as Stella and Stolas could possibly get with each other, anyway.)

Stella made fun of Stolas for not participating in sex with her and laughed about it while he was standing 2 feet away from her, and knew he was there. Whether or not she raped him to produce Octavia is a discussion for another day. If anything, Stolas cheating on her was revenge for treating him like garbage for so many years. She humiliated and embarassed him in public before getting a taste of her own medicine when Stolas does the same to her in return. She wouldn't even let him divorce her because she enjoys being mean to him. I wouldn't mind if Stella was given more charaterization outside of "abusive wife" but honestly? I don't really care if she's given sympathy or not. I don't want to sympathize with her. If Valentino isn't gonna change his ways any time soon, I have no reason to believe that Stella can. FFS Stella apologists make me mad. Even if you type in the "anti stella" tag on tumblr there are more posts defending and excusing her actions than those actually opposing her and saying "uh, no, she's just a cruel bitch" meanwhile if you type "anti Stolas" that's exactly what you're gonna get, pretty much exclusively.

Goes to show how hyper-sensitive tumblrinas are over female characters rightfully being portrayed as in the wrong when they fucking are.

A Fizziepop Take: Let's talk about the (soon to be) ex-wife from hell

I’m not sure about everyone, but I personally have always loved villains and morally gray characters. Maybe it’s because I grew up in a lot of fucked up situations where no one was every really the “good guy”, not even the people I loved and trusted…. So I learned early on that bad guys aren’t always bad and even when they are, being bad isn’t always as bad as it seemed to be made out by everything on tv and in books. Having this way of thinking from a young age, it’s no surprise that some of my favorite characters in books and movies tend to be the villains. Now, as much as I love Stolas (and want his relationship with Blitz to work), I’ve kinda into Stella on this ‘I want my husband dead’ trip, and after watching “Western Energy” a few times, I think I figured out why and I can’t be the only one who feels like this, so let’s get into it!.

If you know how most villains are written and portrayed, a lot of them have some sort of reason for doing whatever fucked up thing they're doing. Sometimes the excuse is a tragic backstory, or an unrequited love, or a fear that they just don’t seem to deal with very well, or to gain power over another being/beings or even keep power they already have, in some cases mental illness is even villainized in the media (which sucks since it’s not always portrayed in a realistic manner when it’s used as a reason for someone being "villainous" and ends up stigmatizing an entire group of people who suffer from the illness in ways that aren’t dramatized for the entertainment of the masses.).... But all of these reasons tend to be on the list of the reasons the villain, and the audience, try to justify whatever messed up shit they’re doing…. But here’s the thing, sometimes a person doesn’t have a reason to be an absolute fucked up beyond repair, horrible person, they just like being that way. That’s what we see with Stella.

See, Stella doesn’t have a horrible tragic past to blame her cruelty on. Stolas never abused her, if anything he did his best to try to make their marriage work despite the abuse she put him through for what seems to be the entirety of their relationship. And it seems she’s never even had to smell poverty or what fear would smell like when it’s her own. As of right now, there is no reason for her cruelty that we can see except for pure enjoyment, with her even at one point telling Stolas "I like tormenting you!" when asked why she's still in his house despite having moved out pretty much completely at that point. She enjoys making Stolas’ life miserable and she hates the man enough that she tells her brother that she’d laugh when he dies and even has to be convinced to keep him alive to figure out how to get money from him since she’d likely get nothing when he dies. The woman has no regard for anyone’s life but hers unless she’s making someone else feel beyond miserable.... And, as much as I love Stolas, I love the cruelty Stella processes and how she seems to aim it all toward him, especially because she doesn’t in anyway try to hide the fact that she’s an evil bitch and she doesn't even try to. Whether she’s telling her husband that she likes making him miserable or badmouthing him to friends and family with him standing a few feet away, or even giddily admitting to her brother that she’s hired the assassin that kidnapped and off her husband, the woman has zero shame and as easy as it is to dislike her for actively hurting a fan favorite character, the sheer size of Stella’s metaphorical balls makes me love her. Despite being a ditzy, bitchy ex-wife and a bad mother from what most of us believe, and her literally torturing one of my favorite characters for sheer pleasure, Stella has earned a spot as one of my favorite villains, and moved up in the ranking of my favorite Helluva Boss antagonists. 

The woman is a horrible, cold hearted, monster on the levels she’s been placed on within the show and it's literally shown that it's been that way since she was a child…. And I think that’s what makes her such a good character despite her being written very flatly otherwise. Viv made Stella a character that’s so easy to love to hate, which is something I believe every show needs. I think that’s awesome considering so many people still think that a villain needs to be made; forged in tragedy, warped by trauma, and bathed in fear and heartbreak when in reality, cruelty isn’t always something people are gifted through bad experiences. As much as we hate to admit it, some people just enjoy the way cruelty tastes and hate the way happiness looks on someone who isn’t them. Stella is a wonderful example of a villain who chose to be the way they are just because they find amusement in it. Nothing else. And call me crazy, but I love that for her and I want to see more scenes like in “Western Energy” where you can see that she knows what she’s doing isn’t just cruel, but villainous and she enjoys it. But like every post I make ranting and over analyzing the fictional world of imps and hellhounds and all of this, this is just a Fizzie take on things I probably spend too much time thinking about. But let me know what you think about Stella, and villains in general. It’s always a topic I’m down to see different perspectives and opinions on.

I'm going to be honest, I really don't like the whole "as someone who's bisexual, I love women and tolerate men because I'm attracted to them" thing. Firstly, I'm Side B and I'm not going to settle for a guy that I only tolerate because I can't marry a girl in my church, okay? I love women and I love men. I don't have to put men down to show how much I care about women — and this doesn't just apply to my sexuality, but to all aspects of life.

Secondly, imagine being a guy who's been told for years that you were basically disgusting to like guys in that way and finally you found a community where you felt accepted... only to find that apparently hating on that connection is all good there now too. It must suck. You should not be made to feel gross for your attraction to men, from homophobes or from LGBT people.

Thirdly, I wish I could say I was exaggerating, but I know someone who have actually told me that they were being horrifically abused by a woman (to the point where they genuinely feared for their lives), but they didn't realize it because they thought women were supposed to be pure. They thought they were the problem. And I've known other people with less extreme examples, but still cases of abuse that they said they felt like they needed to put up with because it was at the hands of a woman. I've seen this in straight relationships, gay relationship, whichever, but the point is — women can be abusive. And when you make it seem like they're not, you are hurting people.

I get it. You don't mean to be, you just think it's funny. But it has terrible consequences. And I know I must seem like a killjoy. I really, really wish it wasn't this serious. But it is. We need to teach respect and boundaries, yes — and we need to teach it to all people and that it applies to all people. If a girl is harassing you and abusing you that is not okay. If she's justifying it with "you're a guy, you should like it/man up" or "we're all girls here", that's not okay. Please please please don't dismiss this. Please don't think I'm being a drama queen. I get it, I used to make jokes about things too, but now I realize how serious it is. I have seen far too many people suffering because they didn't realize women could be abusers — not just in my own life, but all over. It's not okay.

Sending my support to all the people hurt by female abusers. To the lesbian and bisexual women who'd been victimized by men and thought they'd finally found peace in the arms of women who hurt them. To the men who never dared speak up and the ones who were laughed at when they did. To the nonbinary folks that people seem to completely forget exist. To every single person who's been overlooked because their abuser happened to be a woman, I see you and I support you. And if nobody's told you this today, you deserve better. Don't let anyone ever tell you otherwise. Nobody gets to dehumanize you or call you weak or mock you. If they do, they're assholes and not worth giving the time of day.

My mother threatens me all the time. She holds money, home, food, and education all as a consequence of what she deems to be correct behaviour. And I see her face. She enjoys being in a position of power, having all the power, and I am always powerless. Nobody believes me. "Compartmentalize," they say, as if I can put all the hurt and pain into a perfect little box. "She's struggling and going through a hard time," they say, as if her pain justifies mine. "Stop being such a brat," they say, as I scream and scream and scream in a hundred different ways.

So. You text me? Angry? Over something you assumed. When I was telling the truth? And you think i want your apology? I don't.

I don't want your words in my head ever again.

You cannot claw your way back into our lives.

i cant be around women, i cant trust women, im genuinely terrified of women. most of my abusers were women.

but my fear is a joke to everyone because a man cant possibly have trauma right?

cause thats funny now.

I stand with the victim, I stand with Build Jakapan Puttha

Build Jakapan Puttha is the victim of work place abuse, extortion, physical abuse, mental abuse, compelled to act and coercion. His ex gf Poi Patchayamon is the one who abused him. She used to be his boss and compelled him to be her boyfriend. When Build couldn't take anymore of her abuse, he finally called an end to their relationship. Then she started to blackmail him and spread lies about him to destroy his career. Even after settling the issue in court this women is still determined to destroy him. And uses various methods and tricks to spread more malicious rumors about him, his coworkers and his family. This is an classic example of victim abuse. I am a woman and a feminist and I can't tolerate these kind of woman who is a disgrace to the whole womanhood.

Credit: thesurvivorsadvocate

Abused By My Girlfriend tells the remarkable story of Alex Skeel, a 23-year-old man from Bedford who survived an abusive relationship with his girlfriend Jordan Worth.

Combining observational filming with personal and police archive, this film provides a raw and uninhibited window into a teenage romance that descended into terrible violence.

Alongside Alex's shocking and thought-provoking testimony, his family and friends also share their stories of seeing him slowly slip away, powerless to stop it, and unaware of how bad it would get.

Bedfordshire Police described Alex's case as one of the most extreme cases of domestic violence they had ever dealt with. In hospital, doctors examined Alex's body and told him that he was just ten days away from death.

In April 2018, Jordan was sentenced to seven and a half years in prison. She became the first female in the UK to be convicted of coercive and controlling behaviour.

By sharing his story, Alex hopes to challenge assumptions about violence and masculinity in relationships, and to empower victims of domestic violence to come forward.

--

Interviews with Alex.

I didn't know if I was to leave-- I've come across so many men that haven't won in the family courts and gotten the best deal out of it. And that was-- to be honest with you, during the time I never really thought about leaving. It was just purely, is the next day going to be better than the last and it's survival mode, you're just constantly protecting yourself at all times. And I never actually thought about it, and people have asked, do I think people should know anything before, and I genuinely didn't think. It was all about just like a boxer in a ring, keep your hands up.

I was pretty much-- I actually genuinely was waiting to just die. Because I just kept hoping that the next day maybe one less hit on the head or one less stab or I didn't get boiling water. Because if that was the case, it would be a far better day than the day before.

Two years ago I received a transphobic attack for expressing my distaste towards a ship involving a character that had VERY GRAPHICALLY raped another character and the character she raped. Last week, I received another transphobic attack for calling out Jojo Siwa she after defended Collen Ballinger who was accused of grooming WITH MOUNTAINS OF EVIDENCE AGAINST HER. It is now 100% clear to me that when transphobes call us "perverts" or "predators" they are projecting. These are the same people that see the very act of using a different name and pronouns as inherently sexual.

Sincerely,

A trans man who was groomed

That's why I dont like akito's relationship with tohru. tohru is a good and compassionte person who recognized that akito is a victim of abuse and it's in character for her, but does akito even deserve to be friends with her???

Short answer: Hell No. I do not care how badly Akito was abused, I really don’t, because being abused doesn’t justify abusing others. Ever. I was downright sickened by the show, and the manga allowing Akito to get away with everything Scot-free. She never apologised, never made amends, never did anything to deserve anyone’s love or forgiveness, and yet it gets handed to her on a silver platter anyway. The fact that Tohru, of all people, befriended her, despite the horrific things she did to her husband disgusted me so much that I had to stop watching the series for the sake of my own sanity. It made me so angry I wanted to throw up.

I agree but will also take it a step further and suggest that if we get a bit less charitable than the post you're responding to, the kinds of feminist cults that are targeting female victims of male abuse for recruitment are pretty much always also targeting female abusers for recruitment, and are not distinguishing between them.

This sounds plausible to me, and I have long suspected that feminists attract female abusers, but despite having held that position for a long time and rummaged around in Feminism for a long time, IDK if I've seen anything like a smoking gun of Feminists intentionally and knowingly recruiting female abusers rather than "just" happening to be running a very hospitable environment and being willfully oblivious.

There's a line somewhere between leaving lots of mouse food lying around and doing nothing to stop the mice and breeding mice on purpose. Might be kinda unclear, but there is some line in terms of moral culpability and best response to get them to stop.

Interesting how some of the same people who will swear up and down that women are physically strong and powerful and all that stuff are also frequently the same people to play the "but she's so small and weak" card when a female abuser, particularily with a male victim, is the topic of conversation. Even if she is truly small and weak, you dont need a lot of strength to hurt someone with glass, or a broom, or a frying pan, or the plethora of other items I have known men in my life to be abused with. Good job sacrificing your own cause only to not make a valid argument whatsoever.

Mothers are the worst