( o ) goodimpressionofmyself
he would lose himself staring out at the wide blue vista of the sea
in the shade, warmed by kaleidoscopic bursts of the setting sun, he stood still as the rocky cliffs which dwarfed the beach. chest caressed by the salt breeze, his musculature glistened with beads of sweat, carved by the same brine and water which shaped the shoreline. the waves gently rocking, crashing in his skull. thought and sensation ran as one with the ocean in his eyes. he was flesh. metabolic heat. fatty tissue bound to bone and muscle. by what degree did the salt of his body differ from the salt of the sea? the mineral of his bone from the mineral of the sand? he could stand perched on this beach in his suit, bound to his board forever. the porous material of polyurethane and neoprene no different in texture to the spongy tissues of his marrow and brain. the heat and moisture would rot any soft membrane, but if he were stone, the animal shape of his body could endure here for millennia
the snap of the camera broke him from trance
his bro was laughing at him for spacing out again. he looked so serious when he got lost, but he was just a goofy guy inside. he smiled, more playful than ashamed, and his bro punched him on the arm.
his suit pulled down too, if he held him close their bodies would be two sculptures in the same tableaux, abs chiseled from exertion on the waves, strained red, pulsating and flesh. when his bro looked at him, smiling back a second too long, he got his arm around his head, and threw him into the sand where they wrestled and laughed, grazing the soft, matted hair of each other’s pits with excited, probing fingers
they were back out on their boards before dark
it was a game they played, he guessed. his bro loved to watched him stand still. admire the serenity of his features, the untroubled contemplation of his lips and brow. at first it was something they did to relax after a long day out at the beach. his bro’d talk to him in that lilting voice until he fell asleep. wake up to find his bro wrapped around him, all coconut, bay spice and musk. with the windows open, the air blowing in from the sea, they’d still sweat huddled up together, and he’d nudge his bro in the ribs so he could get up and get a glass of water
said it was because he was such a deep sleeper, it was something he wanted to share, and he couldn’t say if it was the feeling of being out on the water, the coastal village ambiance or the way his bro would talk, but his arrival at this place already felt like a half-remembered dream
the night they met around the bonfire, he could see something in his eyes. they snuck away from the party alone, and to the crashing of the waves, the faint echoes of distant laughter, spoke late into the night. until moonlight faded from the water. until pale blue twilight succumbed to the red sun creeping along the edge of the world. at the diner, the air stale with smoke, drinking coffee and impotently spearing pancakes with a fork, in the haze of beer and lack of sleep, their glances grew longer, quieter and more intense
his bro knew all the best spots. secluded. two of them could be alone, especially this early in the season
one night, his bro’d glimpsed him in profile and blurted out
you’re beautiful
to that he could only laugh and tell him to shut up. he was all nah, nah, i mean it, still. hold that pose. lemme get the camera. he stood there for he didn’t know how long, feeling compliant and stupid
what if he just shifted ever so slightly to see if he noticed? struck a different pose, or kept this same pose on the opposite side of the room? what if he did an irish jig the moment the flash went off? would he crack him over the head with the lanyard or tackle him against the fridge?
when his bro came back, and he heard him snapping the pic, he said you got it? you got it yet? and when he said yeah, yeah i got it, he did a lil bow which his bro matched with applause and asked if that was so bad
yeah, sure. whatever gets your rocks off, bro
and he was talking in that way he did
motion was around him, but glancing back through the fishbowl of memory, he couldn’t tell if his bro was walking toward him, he was walking toward his bro, or if the earth had conspired by tectonic rift to bring them together
he was falling
falling
falling down
all he knew was that he was standing by the window,
looking out at the beach
and he didn’t want to move
he felt the warm lapping of water over his body
his bro’s hand on his shoulders,
whispering hibiscus sweetened words
hard, stable and handsome as the cliffs
he glimpsed canyons in the strata of a conch shell
cities in the filament of a seagull feather
an aurora in the muck of dinoflagellate blooms
a caress lingered down the small of his back
you make such a beautiful statue, bro
over that summer, his bro posed him on the deck, the rocks, the grass near the bay. on docks, on ferries, on main street in the dead of night. pioneering on park benches, swinging from street lamps, dueling in the thinker pose with the other slabs and sculpts, plastic, granite and bronze, matching them inertia for inertia
how long was i out that time?
almost two hours
you gotta be kidding me bro,
haha
on the night when the moon was gone, he’d pulled his suit down until there was barely anything left to the imagination. not that his bro hadn’t seen it all already, sharing one couch and bathroom with another guy, but he still froze him mid-laugh, capturing his bashful smirk
he didn’t know why he approached so slowly, moving with the timid grace of a lil boy up to a leviathan half-beached on a sandbar
there was awe in his eyes as he reached out to touch a body with no baseline tremor, no wobble from the imperceptible vertigo of an upright stance. the warmth of his skin, the beat of his heart, the tan which had only deepened over the many hours spent out in the sun, all proved that he was still flesh, and his smell was proof enough that nothing more need be staked, all was already, here and now, forever already claimed
fingering the downy brown pubes peeking out at the base of his v-taper, his bro wrapped his arms around his flank, and whispered
i think i love you?
it was always that photo at the cliffs his bro kept coming back to. said it reminded him of the poise he had on his board, like it was a part of him. standing upright. an object like a bro and a bro like an object
something about the stillness he could achieve on a good wave made him appreciate the motion, and the motion the stillness.
mutual reinforcement. everything was in balance.
and his bro moved into what he knew was headlock position
i like you when you move me too, bro
that photo would preserve the moment, tho not for millennia. they could transfer it to film. keep it sealed under plastic. it could sit on a hard drive, float around the beetle tubes of the web. it could outlive him, that image of a body in its prime, the contemplation of the moment and the yearning for the eternal. as his stubble thickened to a full beard. as his muscles filled out and he bought new suits. bigger suits. as he continued to grow. until he began to age. until his skin weathered and sagged. until his hair turned grey and fell to the floor. until his bones splintered and cracked. until he was rotting down somewhere beneath the earth, his bro nothing but motes in the light of a foreign sun. until the electronics shortened. until bit rot ate the data. until the atmosphere broiled a dead earth and the stars burnt out like marquee bulbs never to be replaced
like it was the night the world grew dark and he left the beach for home
13 notes
·
View notes