I've been experimenting with "identifying as stupid and lazy" and it's going pretty well. This month I went to a Javascript meetup with the explicit goal of being slightly stupid there, got into an AI conversation, said a few coherent things, and then mentioned I just didn't want to put in the work into understanding e.g. transformers. Also I said as a simplification that I'd flunked out of linear algebra in college which isn't true (I got an A in linalg but flunked out of the ML course where linalg was heavily in use) but felt. WEIRDLY. pleasurable to say.

When I talked about this on Discord, one of them brought up Stupidism, which is from a good post @mark-gently made. But there's something about my wanton dignity-discarding that goes several steps further from Stupidism and feels very liberating.

Last year I read a weird... pagan?... book, Existential Kink, that invites you to notice how much of your life is shaped to bring about outcomes you supposedly hate, and how you secretly take joy in those outcomes. This seems false for the majority of things one tries to avoid, but leaning into it sure is interesting to try out! And I'm finding it is surprisingly true for "coming off as stupid".

There's something absurdly joyful/thrilling about deciding to go to a meetup and presenting as a moron. Some years ago I would have gone NOOO at the thought, and now I feel like an adrenaline junkie being invited to a new type of gambling event or weird sex thing.

I fully expect to tire of "identifying/presenting as stupid and lazy", but when I move on from it I expect to be more integrated or whatever. Less afraid of being stupid and lazy because I've just gone and done it openly.

One of the stupid things I said at the Javascript meetup was that I hate using libraries in almost full generality. I'm too lazy to read docs or troubleshoot my calls to other people's code. Someone recced me a different meetup for people who roll their own tooling, but warned me it was all male, because he knew I'd found all-male programming contexts stressful in the past.

In college I tended to not even really notice if a lab or a team was all male, because I was a top-half student and just felt totally secure about being in class. But I became phobic of it in jobs because I'm usually the worst dev in any remotely selective workplace, and being the worst dev AND the only woman sucks. I was ashamed of being bad at my job, obviously, but I was mortified at being the entity that diversity posters and mandatory trainings point at to say "if you think women are like that you are a terrible person and causing problems in society". But... I am like that. I guess for society's good I need to hide this as hard as possible?

(I solved this by going to a much less selective workplace and almost explicitly saying "I will be kind of a bad programmer, but I come cheap". I am pretty happy now.)

So, given that I got twisted up by that employment record, current me is delighted at the thought of being openly dumb at an all-male CS meetup. This wouldn't be good for the men (some of whom Want To Unlearn Sexism, etc) nor for Women In Tech, but it would be good for ME. Time to abandon class consciousness and defect on women for my own gain.

It is, well, yeah, existentially kinky to imagine going to this meetup and cheerfully asking dumb questions & occasionally responding with "I don't think I'm ever going to understand that, sorry, you should stop explaining that because I don't want to waste your time".

Existential Kink, Carolyn Elliott

Out of curiosity, have you heard of Carolyn Elliott's Existential Kink philosophy? It's a "shadow integration technique" but it's more like. Law of attraction bullshit, but it says the victim-blamey part even louder than usual. My friend group uhh... affectionately... refers to Carolyn as the "you're poor because the universe knows you're a finsub" person, which is. Barely an exaggeration.

According to her, the reason people suffer hardships and trials in life is because secretly, deep inside, there's a part of them that is a kinky freak who gets off on submitting to said hardships and trials.

There's also quite a lot of cherrypicked concepts from more traditional currents of Western esotericism, particularly Thelema and Golden Dawn stuff (which I sometimes credit with driving me away from Thelema, but if I'm being honest I was already on my way out) but it's all got that corporate girlboss "I'm a New Ager but won't admit it to myself" sheen to it.

Anyway I just thought I'd ask if you know about her, since you're a person I know reliably takes the piss out of the most egregious Law of Attraction-adjacent bullshit.

I... What. What. 🤣

Oh my god, I've never heard of her before, no.

Oh my god. 🤣

This is officially one of the most absurd occult takes I have ever heard, and I have heard some absolute whoppers in my time. 🤣

Why are you making this moment wrong?

Why is now not enough? What’s so important in the future that can’t allow you to feel fulfilled, content and enough right now? Your voices are whispering to you the past which is controlling your future projection. You gathered information from the moment you entered this realm, each moment counted from then until now. Collapsing what you don’t identify with anymore will help you release some…

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what if worry is meaningless & its sole purpose is to distract you from feeling good, safe, whole & inspired right NOW?

im feeling so much anxiety. i’m not sure if its anxiety or just feeling activated. if i’m just feeling good. i definitely have anxiety over my money stuff that im mostly feeling numb about. can you be anxious without feeling it? i can feel it like a slight buzzing in a far off corner, but its mostly numb. i definitely am being called to do more work in this area of my life, especially around money. i think i’m good at receiving money, but im not good at holding on to it. maybe love is the same. im good at giving and receiving. but the feeling of having is freaking me out. yeah. the having. I read this in EK about the havingness level. i can feel how anxious i am knowing that i have at least $500 in my checking and $1000 in my savings. that makes me anxious. i can feel the tightness in my chest when i think about me and jordan’s relationship basically just staying the way it is. i feel like i’m a mess. i feel like i’m this messy person that doesnt deserve things. thats the havingness level. i feel like i’m not supposed to have. thats the codependency. im not supposed to have so i find people who have what i feel like im not allowed to and i feed off of them and become an energy vampire. i dont wanna do that. not anymore. i saw what that did to other people i was around and either i left them or they left me. im ok with being messy. and i take responsibility for my mess. i dont expect anyone else to come and help me clean things up, but people do, just as i facilitate for others, others are there to help me. I am grateful for the people in my life who still give to me unconditionally even though I have trouble receiving. This is the next level of expansion for me. facing these shadows. the parts of me that still feel shame and guilt around receiving. It is safe to receive. it is safe to have. it is safe to have more money than i need for survival. it is safe for me hold on to money and not give it away so quickly. it is safe for money to be with me. it is safe for me to have a long-term relationship based on mutual values and trust. it is safe for me to allow someone to care for me. it is safe for me to accept love, attention, and presence from another person. it is safe for me to create healthy, long lasting relationships. it is safe for me to make mistakes, learn, and grow in relationships. it is safe for me to be honest with my partner. i feel like the way i treat money is the way i treat a significant other. i want it really bad and i think itll make my life better and make me more happy, and it does, but then for some reason i give or push it away. i look for a reason for the money or the person not to stay with me and i challenge its presence in my life. why do i have to question why something good is happening to me? i dont trust the good. its ok for me to trust the good. it brings me back to the ballet story. when my classes were no longer available to me, i felt that thing i love be taken away. and that kept happening with things in my life that i really wanted. i got the thing, but then i subconsciously pushed it away. because i didnt think i deserved to have. i dont think i deserve to have an abundance of money, or an abundance of love. i love havign abundance and its ok for me to live that life. having wealth does not make me a bad person. having money does not make me a bad person. I can be safe having someone love and care for me unconditionally. i am allowed to have all the great things i want in this life. i am allowed to have a job that brings me wealth, joy, flexibility, and comfort. I am allowed to have a loving, committed relationship. it is safe for me to be in a relationship. it is safe for me to have money. I am safe. i can feel the ways where having money made me feel unsafe. where my mom would make me feel like i couldnt trust myself with money. where my dad always said not to have too much or people would take it away from you. no one is taking anything away from me. NO ONE IS TAKING ANYTHING AWAY FROM ME. not even myself. i’m no longer denying myself the things i want in this world. i am no longer feeding into the cycles that keep me from the life that i want. I choose to embody the habits of the life i know is attainable and possible. I am clearing out the truths that used to live inside me and replacing them with new truths that are leading me and my family toward bigger and better choices. In the Neville Goddard book they were talking about destiny. how destiny always changes. one destiny only exists so it can lead you to another. i feel like right now my destiny is to transcend these patterns of our oppression and bring about the love and compassion that my ancestors dreamed of. I am not my ancestors. i am not the oppressed, and my heart breaks for those who are still being pushed down by the systems that we all stay blind or helpless to. I choose to be different to try to do something different to bring more love and compassion to people who have been oppressed, so that future generation dont know the oppression i know. I thank my ancestors who i see and feel. who i know worked so hard and struggled and fought and grew in their own way so i may know a different kind of work. so i may know a life that is greater than survival. so that i may know a life where our bloodline can thrive. I want my daughters to have the heart to understand their ancestry, and have the vision to know even greater things than i may ever imagine, i know my father is proud. i know hes grateful for the work i’ve been doing. I am healing my blood line. i am building a life greater than my ancestors could have ever dreamed. i am building a life that my children will know as normal.

it is normal to receive love and abundance from others. 

it is safe to receive money and abundance from others.

it is normal to feel your feelings.

it is safe to feel your feelings.

it is normal to have more than you need for survival.

it is safe to have more than you need for survival. 

it is normal to have healthy relationships.

it is safe to have healthy relationships.

it is normal to speak your truth.

it is safe to speak your truth.

it is normal to love others.

it is safe to love others.

it is normal to grieve.

it is safe to grieve.

it is normal to receive.

it is safe to receive.

it is normal to relax and rest.

it is safe to relax and rest.

I can feel that part of me that is resisting these new truths. that loves the pain and the struggle. that is so activated and turned on by not having and not receiving without conditions.she really is a kinky bitch. im grateful to be doing this work. im grateful to be aware of whats going on and have a larger perspective. this is gonna be fun.

No fr maybe sometimes ur intrusive nsfw ocd thoughts aren't ocd or sex but are ur brain trying to work thru some awful uncomfortable realizations about urself and the broken warped links between the nebulous concepts of punishment, comfort, reward, and deserve and how the lines are blurred and none of these really mean anything to u

Vampires make the best boyfriends cause they can’t cum inside without your permission lmao

tfw this timeline doesn’t have the first sections on it and that’s an additional 17 minutes lol kill me

Monday, between 2pm and 4pm EST. That’s the goal. I finished all my audio today. Tomorrow (today for real since it’s 4am) I’m gonna tweak the recordings other people gave me, smash in the rest of the visual shit I need, grab a backing track, and The Only Omegaverse Video Essay Ever Part One is ready to go.

Still tossing up on names. Honestly might just leave part one as The First And Only Omegaverse Video Essay (Ever), or some clickbait shit like Everything Wrong With Omegaverse. Part Two is “The Existential Threat Of Wolf Nuts To Cultural Hegemony” or something like that.

Will happily take title recommendations. Because combined these two scripts are fucking massive beyond all recognition and I want titles that appropriately encapsulate all the academic research I did. Because. I did. An academic. Video essay. About. God I want to fucking die.

fleabag changed my brain chemistry, actually

"How did my life come to this?"

If you’re thinking “How did my life come to this?” asking a different question will help you come to a different conclusion “What are the values I now embody because of what I went through” There’s gold here…and the old you (that sees this as “why meee”…an L) has to die for the new you to arise and see this differently. You’re always evolving…it’s part of your effortless nature to want to…

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my poddy got a make over a few weeks ago & I forgot to post it on here. I'm not consistent at all and exactly this is the challenge for me, to no longer force a n y t h i n g.

if I feel like pushing or the need to do something, I stop.

I would say, I'm (still) recovering from my doing disorder & shadow work is wonderful to bring unconscious patterns into the light & to make them conscious, to integrate our shadows - our lovely unconscious parts & to live and flow through life being WHOLE = perfect mix of darkness and light, like ying & yang.

posting on hipstergram even though I started an account for my podcast feels so so off and instead being more active (slowly but surely) on tumblr feels more like a 'yes' & I trust those lil whispers inside of me.

overall, I feel very exhausted lately, especially after coming back to existential kink - a powerful & rapid shadow integration process & maybe I feel so tired because of all this suppressed energy of previously unconscious desires that I'm liberating? this is actually a good topic to talk/ponder about (saved for a future episode, ha).

thank you for reading & being here, fellow being 🌚

The Shadow and Divine Wholeness

I love this work by Carolyn Lovewell.  I have gone in and out of practicing exercises from her book, Existential Kink, and want to get back into it.  Lately I’ve been feeling the discomfort of humiliation – and it’s something I almost always fear whenever I release art I’ve created, or when I perform, or in the risk of telling a person how I feel. I have been practicing speaking my feelings more…

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'no one has a kink for [x], so [etc]'

folks, pals