“Feelings buried alive never die.”

Karol Truman

I want to go feral. Scream until my voice goes hoarse. I didn't want a family like this. I want to be angry. But I can't. Not safe. Not the time. Can't crack the eggshells. The Sunshine child wants to explode and finally let go of the outer shell. But they'll destroy their universe.

Maybe they've stopped caring.

In this video, Osho says that Christianity is the most repressive religion in the world, but I think Islam has taken that title now. Certainly, all the Abrahamic religions are highly repressive. In fact, I have yet to see any organized religion that allows for free thought and expression. [x]

Something to Cry About

"Stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about!"

Something her aunt said Many years ago when she was a child Something that had an effect

She'd muse on this Noting that her emotions are suppressed Auntie died some months ago

(in the year 2022)

What Aunt said was intertwined With the smell of cigarettes and perfume

Certainly, she was not crying No, she couldn't

She started to wonder If Auntie was told the same thing When she was once a child

Perhaps, that is why she smoked so much?

Made to suppress her emotions Until cigarettes became her crutch Emotional support for invalidated emotions

A drawn out suicide method For the unending misery associated (Though, grief is probably what really did her in)

She'd muse on this more Her own emotions are suppressed So much so

That she can't clearly identify them (there's a name for this)

As she mused, she'd deadpan, "Well, I'm not crying at her funeral." Sure enough, she wasn't crying

No, Auntie's death was expected Long accepted with stoicism

(HER emotional support for her own invalidated emotions)

For once, she'd muse, That she did what she was told Except, she wasn't crying at all

Auntie's passing wasn't something to cry about.

No, my eyes aren’t red because I’m high on the job. Don’t worry though, I went in the back and suppressed those emotions and reactions, so I’m here to serve once again.

What can I do for ya?

Grief and Trauma: On Grieving A Parent Who Hurt You

Today, we're going to break the silence around the grief that comes from losing a parent - whether suddenly or gradually, by force or by choice - and the complicated emotions surrounding that loss when your parents inflicted trauma upon you.

parental grief and trauma: missing someone who hurt you This is a heavy subject, but it’s one I feel needs to be talked about. If you’ve read my father’s story, you’ll know that I lost my dad to alcoholism when I was only nine years old. That in itself was extremely hard, painful, and traumatizing, but there’s a lot I didn’t write about that is the reality of growing up with an alcoholic…

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I burn with rage so hot it hurts

It hurts me because there is no where else to put it

To forsake it would to be allowing injustice to escape

To keep it is to forsake myself

It burns

I am shaking

Strands so hot I hear the flesh sizzle, melt, and evaporate

I can do nothing

I cannot exact it on them

For despite the power of my emotions I must keep the peace

No one else will

I am not ready to live in a burned world

So instead I will be a burned person

Don't I look happy?

I am probably the nicest person my friends know. I do not get mad easily. If self-control in expressing emotions is converted to cash, I would be one of the richest people in the world.

However, what I once thought was healthy self-control turns out to be a conscious emotional suppression.

When my lolo died, I did not get to grieve because I still had academic requirements to finish. When the president of an org I was in, who was also my friend then, resigned and made me carry all the burden she left, I did not allow myself to get angry because I thought it would interfere with my academic performance. When some of my friends made me feel ugly or unwanted, I chose not to resolve it with them because it might ruin our friendship and make me too sad to study.

I thought that being angry or sad was not a good use of my time and would bring instability, so my initial response was to actively suppress them. It worked for me so well until it did not.

When graduation season came, I did not have any reason anymore to suppress my emotions. It was during that brief period when all the pent-up emotions poisoned me each day.

Although I knew I deserved my achievements, I began questioning whether it was worth being a person that refuses to feel what makes them more human -- someone who considers feeling sad or angry as a weakness.

Now I am trying to heal myself, and the path so far has been exhausting yet full of realizations. If this is what it takes to not feel guilty about being sad or angry, it is a journey that I am willing to go through even if it would take years or broken friendships. I am doing this for myself.

The harmful effects of suppressing emotions.

In a world that often values emotional restraint, we may find ourselves tempted to hide our true feelings. However, what if I told you that hiding emotions could actually lead to losing control over them? In this brief blog, we’ll explore the idea that embracing our emotions, rather than burying them, can lead to healthier emotional well-being and greater control over our inner selves.The…

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I told myself I wouldn't but my hand slipped

I was rewatching Steven universe and couldn't help myself aararraar

No full au djjwjd just doodles and ideas djsjjdsj

After leaving home world, they both change their appearance. Idk to what exactly because that last doodle is just casual wear but they definitely have a set outfit they like. Moon's hair changes into a shaggy cut! He likes a more scrappy look. He keeps his hat of course jejsjsj

I want a big friend group. A friend group where everyone feels safe to be themselves, to be happy and to be sad and to be a chaotic mix in the middle. I want a friend group where being nerodivergent is not only okay but normal. Where we help each other with our impossible tasks where it's okay to not be on top performance, to be struggling to have accommodations. I want a friend group where we can stay up all night and be laughing as we make breakfast the next morning. I want a friend group that feels like what a family is supposed to be. Where everyone is celebrated as they are. Where we're constantly encouraging each other to improve and be better but it's not malignant. Where softness is a strength, where everyone is so comfortable around each other our walls start to fall. where support is a given. Where it's not enmeshed, we still have boundaries, but it's safe. Where we're close not because we have to be but because we want to be. Where we go on chaotic adventures and things are still safe. A group of friends where you forget how lonely you've been. where you run through fields and travel the world and the world is bright and safe.

I just want a group of friends, or even just one. Not a soulmate, but something close. I'm tired of being so lonely. I just want someone to love and care about and someone to love and care for me, someone who feels safe. I'm just so tired of being alone. Of having to shield myself from my family.

I don't want to be lonely anymore.

Gabor Maté on how to process anger and rage.

Erina and Sophie....

erina and sophie..... perhaps even sophie and erina....

girls really do be raging a war in their own head whilst sitting silent in their living room