#edit: also my step-mom knows full well this is how i put myself through school. she should not be surprised | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

phantomwitch16 · 4 years

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Real Dreams, Fake Compassion

Hey, this is a kind of snippet of what I wanted to do to do back when this I first came to me a few years ago. Back then, this was going to be a mix of the shows and series I was into at the time with my favourite character facing a lot of tough shit.

Now, the idea is very different, with the only series involved is Inazuma 11. This is the original post which I have edited, added and cut a lot out of it so I could fix the narrative. It might not be all that great, just to warn you. So it might be familiar to those have read it before back when I first posted this in 2020.

Also warning this has mention of self harm, depression, ptsd and some other dark subjects. You have been warned.

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Blade ducked and jumped away from the man as an energy blast was shot at his head. He glanced back and growled under his breath. Dammit, he was almost hit. The energy field around him absorbed the attacks as he readied a blood-red energy orb that fit easily in his right fist.

Constable chuckled darkly as a golden-yellow orb that was about the size of melon forming in his hands." It's been a long time, boy. I see that despite your lack of training over the past year and a half now, you're still as agile and strong as I remember."

The former squire growled at the mention of his old title." What are you doing here, Constable?" he sneered, glaring up at the man." If I remembered correctly, you despised being here. It must be terrible if you of all people crawled out of Wonderland just to see little old me."

"I assure you, Blade, that I am here by the orders of the queen herself. There's a situation that has come up, and the queen needs our allies and men to return home." The older woman answered, and Blade's orb turned into a brighter shade of blue.

The boy rolled his eyes in disgust." Of course, there is. Why else would you show your face to me after everything that happened?"

Constable scoffed before he gave Blade a coy look and began walking over to him." Oh, come now, Blade. You've always known you were always my favourite."

Blade scoffed." Funny. I always assumed Midori was your favourite out of the two of us. Given how much time you spent with her, this kind of surprised me."

The man let out a laugh." You know I care more about results and precision. While she was strong, she lacked the necessary…skills and motivation to get those results like you did."

"Well, at least one of us will be leaving this life pleased." The boy muttered sarcastically, giving Constable a fake smile.

"If that's true, show me then, Knave." He growled, glaring at the young boy.

The two threw their orbs at each other, with there being a resulting explosion when they met.

“So before you went to the sleepover at Sorano’s house, a hole just appeared from under you and took you?” Tsurugi asked as he and Midori walked back from the school to Midori’s apartment complex.

Midori nodded.” Yep.”

“Then you were brought to this weird fairytale world where everyone there looked exactly like everyone that you knew, including us?”

“Uh-huh.”

“And for the three months you went missing, you were literally caught in the crossfire of some political disagreements, and the people there used you to sort out every petty fight that resulted in physical conflicts afterwards?”

The girl sighed.” Pretty much. I know it sounds stupid and unbelievable, but it’s true. I don’t have proof or anything, but please don’t look at me and call me crazy. I’ll already get enough of that back at home with my mom.”

“I’m not saying that your story isn’t true, senpai. Really, I kind of believe you.” The junior said, earning a perplexed look from Midori.” Look, given the fact that we know time travel exists and we’ve met aliens. I think the idea of another world connected to ours might not be so far fetched.”

She stared at him for a moment before she turned to look back down at the pavement.” That at least makes one of us.” She murmured.

Tsurugi looked up at her and gave her a confused look.” Senpai?”

“Ever since I came back, I thought everything was all a dream,” Midori admitted quietly, stopping in front of an alleyway with her friend stopping beside her.” In fact, I outright denied it. I thought I just got attacked at my house then got taken by weirdos for a few months before turning up in the alleyway. That my mind just made things up to cope with the trauma.”

“But ever since I came back, the memories…the trauma, it kept on coming back.” She said, shifting in her spot on the pavement.” Every night I would wake up from nightmares about that place. Whether it was on the battlefield or within the walls of the kingdom. And since then, something…somethings been happening to me. For a while now, somethings been holding me back, weighing me down to the point where I don’t have the energy to get my own bed my bed.”

She looked at her right hand, the white bandage that was wrapped securely around it, a dull pain pulsing under it.” And when I do…I feel so numb. It’s gone to the point where I get curious whether or not I can feel things anymore.”

With another sighed she looked back up, pushing the strands of hair out of her face with her bandaged hand.” The worst part is that I didn’t even notice how bad it was for me until Aoi and Akane talked to me about it. They told me that they knew something was up for a while and how they felt…long story short, I started looking at myself from a different perspective. Honestly, I can’t blame them for being concerned. I would’ve been, too, if the shoe was on the other foot. But I wonder if you and the others noticed too before they told me.”

Tsurugi did, in fact, notice. Everyone in the club has. Since she came back, Midori became quiet, reclusive and skittish. She became thinner, bags began to grow under her eyes, and her appearance became more dishevelled. It became the topic of concern when she returned to school. Especially since she started to get hurt more often.

But he didn’t say anything and just let her speak her mind.

He looked back up at him,” Then one day, my hand started to glow. The stuff in my room started floating in the air. That’s when I realised shit was real.” She said, pulling off the bandage to reveal a tender red burn mark on the back of her hand.

Tsurugi winced upon seeing it.” Is that alright?”

“Not at the moment. But it will be in a second.” She answered.

Without another word, her hand began to gleam bright blue. The junior watched in awe as the burn mark quickly began to fade away. Just as the wound finally heal there was a loud and sudden crash startled the two teens.

“What the hell was that?” Tsurugi exclaimed, looking down the street.

Midori looked around before her attention turned to the alleyway beside them. She stared down there intently for a moment before she spotted something. Then took off.

“Senpai! Wait!” Tsurugi exclaimed as he ran after she ran into the dark alleyway.

The girl kept her eyes trained to the shield, following the massive amounts of magic that practically flowed through the air. Then several meters in front of her was a clearing with Blade and Constable already there charging another attack.

Midori’s heart stopped when she saw them. She didn’t know what surprised her more. Was it the familiar faces that haunted her dreams for over a year? Or was it the raw power she felt coursing their attacks?

There was another attack, making the girl jump back to see two orbs flying at the other. The two easily deflected them, with Constable put up her hand and absorbed orb while Blade dodged it.

The boy looked precisely like Tsurugi. From his pale skin, lanky figure, spikey dark blue hair and sharp golden eyes. He wore a black sleeveless turtleneck shirt with pieces of armour strapped to his left shoulder and knee caps, black pants and brown boots.

He wore regal white clothing that reminded Midori of European royalty with red and black accents. Meanwhile, the man with him looked like the spitting image of Sennguji Daigo.

Tsurugi quietly came up and hid behind the trees beside her. He doubletake when he saw the two in front of them. He turned to Midori with an expression of disbelief on his face and muttered to her.” Is that me and Mr Sennguji?”

Midori didn’t respond. She could only stare at the pair who had her attention, hearing little snippets of the conversation.

"You must obey me, Blade." Constable growled, holding out his left hand towards the boy as an animous yellow glow began to shimmer." This was the very deal your queen agreed to back when you first came under my wing. Now came along." He ordered, clenching her hand into a fist.

Blade loudly grunt, falling to his knees but didn't move any closer towards him. The woman's eyes narrowed again before she sighed loudly.

She made her way towards him and grabbed his chin, turning him to face her as she gives him a sympathetic look." Blade. I understand what you're feeling right now. I know that you hold a great deal of anger and rage towards the people in Wonderland and even me. Please, let me help make it up to you. Come back to Wonderland, fight with us to defeat the emperor and the warlords. Leave this pathetic world and help avenge Midori."

They stared at her before a chuckle left his lips before full-blown laughter began to echo the area. The two teenagers hiding behind the trees stared at him in shock, as did Warlock, who took several steps back away from him, taking a defensive stance.

"You think…" he said before letting out a small snort." You think I am going to help you avenge her?" Blade cackled as he turned his gaze up at the man. Blue sprouted up in his neck as he pushed himself back to his feet." You actually dare to try and persuade me to go back and help you!? After everything that we went through!? After all of the abuse you put us through for months, and you think that I will ever go back listening to you after she ended up dead?!"

Tsurugi paused in disbelief when they heard that word. Abuse, he thought before slowly turning his head to see Midori frozen, her eyes widened, and her mouth left open.

Blade's hair began to darken as he slowly began to walk towards Constable, as animalistic features seeped into his face." Why do you need me? After all, you have dozens of more child soldiers. I’m sure you won’t mind using them as your weapons as you did with myself and Midori. I mean, you already used the same tactics as you did with her. So why don’t you just leave."

Memories of the acts she did while working under Constable came back in excruciating detail. The weight of the sword in her hands. The feeling of her jumping in the air, sword in hand. The loud screams of hundreds of soldiers ringing in her ears. Warm liquid flowing down her face and the image of a soldier losing the light in their eyes. The same look that he had when he was dying.

Her vision began to obscure as her breath suddenly began to quicken. Something wet drop down on her cheeks.

“Oh, please, Blade, you know you and Midori were different compared to them,” Constable called out, pulling out a knife from his overcoat.” After all, the two of you are war heroes. You managed to save the kingdom from political disaster numerous times. I made you powerful.”

“Your masters were the very reason why we were in those political disasters in tha\e first place!” the boy yelled, more fur growing around his neck.” There was so much damage to the political systems of the surrounding kingdoms and cities you had to kidnap someone powerful enough to fix those mistakes!”

Blade looked angry and ashamed with himself when he said that. Tsurugi watched on as horror grew on his face. Midori took in the emotional scene as her body leaned heavily against the wall for support.

After a moment of silence, they continued glaring at the nobleman in front of her." And look what happened to Midori. You broke her down until she was a shell of what she used to be before she was finally finished off. Now, unless you want to be flung into the ground, I would kindly suggest you leave and bring your trash with you." He said, throwing several trinkets on the ground in front of the man.

Constable sighed heavily before giving Blade a disdained look." Is that really why you refuse to help us? Your home? How pathetic. Now I see why the two of you were close. It was a shame that she died. You loved her.” He said, closing up the image and turned the boy.” I thought that having a close relationship with you would be beneficial. You two became the perfect weapons. I could've even taken over all of the kingdoms using both of you if I wanted to. But given the events that have transpired, it seems I was wrong.”

The man’s words again struck something in Midori. It was as if her entire world started to crumble around her.

What...what happened, she thought. Why...why was something like this happening again? No...no, this can't be real. This has got to be one of her delusions again, right? Right, she wasn't in some pocket dimension seeing these two people, she didn't see any weird landmarks from the top of her apartment building that wasn't there before, and she didn't meet that boy and his dog who looked so familiar to her. She was back in Inazuma Town, having an utterly everyday life. She didn't go down to a world of make-believe where she was poorly treated, forced to fight in an arm, part of a war where she had no-

A hand was placed on Midori's shoulder, bringing her back to reality. She turned around to see Tsurugi looking at her worriedly." Senpai. Are you okay?"

Midori stared at him for a brief moment before slowly shaking her head. Tears decorated her scarred face, leaving her eyes bloodshot and looking much paler than she was before.

Blade took a step back as Constable raised her hand a brought up an image of Midori in her battle uniform. She looked…so different. Her bangs were shorter, barely covering the dark bags under her eyes and the deadpan dark red orbs that were her eyes. A giant bandage was wrapped around the right side of her face. The short white dress, the armoured boots and even the leggings underneath the dress were blood. In Midori's armoured gloves was a sizeable bloody sword that was decorated in gemstones.

Something about her eyes didn't sit well with Midori. Whenever she would use magic, her eye colour would change from green to blue to yellow-orange and red depending on her emotional state or how much magic she was using. But her eyes...were never that dark. Her eye colours would've been very defined or bright. But her eyes in the image were a deep burgundy colour, almost black.

Blade gasped at the image before he turned to the man with a rage-filled looking in his eyes." You kept that!?"

Constable continued, staring at the image with a fond look in her eye." Of course, this was her first battle. I wanted to remember the moment. One of my proudest. My only regret with that girl is that I never made her complicit to me and me alone. Blanc and the others made her question her position, her loyalty and even sympathetic to our enemies. The only way I could get her to be utterly loyal to me was to make her believe that she had no one and returning to her world after everything that happened would lead to disastrous consequences. It's a shame. She could've done so much more than what she had already done."

The memories of her waking up with a bloody sword in her hand came back to light. She remembers the horror she felt as she found the body of an older man in front of her. She dropped the sword and covered her mouth, and turned to look away. Only she couldn't escape the sight…next to her were even more bodies, all with the duplicate slashes and stab wounds, all of them caused by the same sword.

"We have wasted enough time, Knave." Constable stated as the image disappeared and her magic return, her hands balling up into a fist, making the boy's body stiffen." Now, let's go back to the kingdom and win the war."

"…I should've known better…." Midori murmured, keeping her head low as she walked into the energy field. Her voice was so quiet and weak, it could break at any moment.

Blade and the Constable froze upon hearing that voice, then swiftly turned around to see Midori out of the trees staring at them. Tsurugi stayed back hidden by the foliage of the trees, giving the older woman an absolute disgusted look while Midori just stared at them with a poker face.

Then the reality and the weight of Constable's words sunk into them as they stared at the girl.

"Midori!" Constable exclaimed with a slight tremor in her voice, backtracking as he tried to act like he didn’t just confess his manipulative and outright abusive nature towards her and Blade. He turned to the girl, giving her the exact same smile she would give her back when she was back in the kingdom. His soldier…or, to be more precise, her puppet." You're here… you're alive! Thank goodness! I was just-!"

The man began to move towards the girl when a dark blue ball was flung past her shoulders, nearly hitting him on the left side of his face. He froze, hearing the explosion behind him as she took in the expression on her face and her body language. Her stature was relaxed, and her face devoid of any emotion. Only one arm was raised to send that attack. The essence of the magic she used was being lifted up into the air. Her face was covered by the shadow her bangs provided obscured her face.

However…he could make out the emotions she could see in the girl's eyes. Her eyes were bright red, reflecting the pure rage coursing through her veins.

Midori was known to get angered easily. Hell, there was more than one occasion where she would often show no mercy for anyone who dared to cross her. But now…this was different. It wasn't like the moments of rage they had faced before. This was pure and utter hatred...

"Just what?" she snapped, cutting him off." What were you saying? That Blanc was right about you? That for the months I was with you, you have been lying to me, manipulating me, using me as a tool and fucking up with my head while you forced my best friend to keep his mouth shut so that he couldn't help me? That the atrocities that I committed were all you? That I let you fucking use me to be your head soldier of the army, be the fucking cavalier of the war that you and those associates of yours started, so I get the blame for whatever bad shit happened."

The girl's short hair began to float above her head, making it look a little reminiscent of Gouenji's hair. But under the amount of hair, Tsurugi could see the scars hiding under the strands of her hair. His eyes widened when he saw the faded marks that began to glow through the fabric of her clothes. Just how many did she have!? How many did they give her?

They didn't need to speak to know what they were feeling. That the Midori standing in front of him wasn’t the girl he easily manipulated all those years ago. Right now, he saw the powerful soldier that he created. And honestly, she terrified them.

Constable gasped as Midori suddenly stood right in front of him, her eyes practically burning holes through her very soul. The girl grabbed the man's robes and pulled her face down to her level.

"I'm going to give you a little piece of advice now, Constable." The girl growled as her grip tightened around her robes." If you're going to go back to the kingdom and still pretend to actually give a shit about the people around you, that's fine. If you're going to go around parading your new status around your underlings and abuse it, go right ahead. But I will only say this once, so listen. Blanc and the others will know about everything soon. They will deal with the fallouts of their kingdom, with or without your precious weapons. They don't need Blade or me to solve it with violence. They never did."

Midori leaned in slightly, staring into the man's dark eyes with ." So if you dare consider coming back to the Upper Realms, putting my world in danger for whatever bullshit you have in store or to bring me back as your little puppet again, the last thing you will ever see will be my fist. Or better yet, my sword. Do us both a favour, stay the hell away."

The redhead let go of her robes, and the woman stumbled back, staring at the young girl who previously was another one of her prized soldiers. Constable's eyes narrowed as a portal opened underneath her, falling through without another word.

Midori stared at the place where Constable stood before she went back to her normal appearance. She took a deep breath. The adrenaline of the magic Midori used and the anger inside made her hands shake. She shuddered before turning to Blade, who just stood there staring at her. His hair returned to normal, and the marks were gone, but his entire body was shaking.

"You… you're real…right…?" He questioned as he fell to his knees, still holding up the girl's gaze." You're not a dream… you're not some illusion Constable is using to trick me, right?"

Blade shuddered before he began crying into his hands. Midori stared at him and nodded slowly before she walked over to him, bent down and gave him a hug. Blade melted into it, tightly gripping onto her uniform as she began rocking him in her arms as if she were to disappear if he were to let go of her.

#inazuma eleven #seto midori #tsurugi kyousuke #my post #my writing

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lyssala · 4 years

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Day 9 – Plot of Your Favorite Movie

Pairings: Terra & Aqua, Kingdom Hearts

Setting: Modern AU where Terra and Aqua are coworkers who do not get along, but unbeknownst to them, they are actually wonderful friends

Rating: K+

Words: 15377

Notes: Another fic I have wanted to do for ages! Its based off of You've Got Mail and the musical She Loves Me (both of which are based on the same source material). I've always loved the setup for these works and have always wanted to try my hand at doing an au with a similar setup. Also! Its a Christmas fic so Happy Holidays my friends!! (also in case you know/listen to the music, Vanilla Ice Cream was my signature audition song and it has such a special place in my heart, which is why the title is not Christmas related at all LOL)

As always a HUGE thanks to @mimiplaysgames who helped me edit this fic while she was on vacation. She really helped me cultivate the right tone for this fic (because its another sorta rival feelings one) and I can just NEVER thank her enough. She's amazing and SHE JUST UPDATED A FIC YESTERDAY so you all should go read it immediately <3

AO3

He Came to Offer Me Vanilla Ice Cream

Inspired By: Three Letters, Vanilla Ice Cream, She Loves Me (She Loves Me, 2016 Revival Cast)

Dear OftheShire,

I’m so sorry to hear you have to work so much over the holidays. I understand the feelings all too well, unfortunately. My saving grace is that I at least don’t get sick of listening to Christmas music! Customers, yes, absolutely, but hearing All I Want for Christmas for the tenth time on one shift keeps me going strong. I even sing along to the horror of my coworkers. I do love the holidays, and the high consumerism the holiday has turned into can’t take that away from me.

The weather, the music, the smells, the feeling of it just reminds me of being a little girl, hanging up my stocking and double checking the cookies I left out for Santa. I would be so ecstatic when there would be chunks missing in the cookies in the morning that I’d completely miss the crumbs in my dad’s beard! Did you believe in Santa too? (Also totally sorry to be the bearer of bad news if you still believed in Santa D: ) Some people find it cruel to let their kids believe only to then tell them it was a lie, but I have so many fond memories of trying to look for Santa on Christmas Eve and my mom playing along that she saw reindeer in the distance that I never found it cruel. If I ever have children, I think I’d like to share that with them too.

My parents live back in my home state, which, believe it or not, gets even colder than where I live now! I grew up really far north, which is wonderful in every other seasons but winter. Even growing up there can’t get me used to the cold and the snow. They’re actually coming to visit me for the first time since I started Grad school out here for Christmas! I can’t wait to see them. Are you close with your family?

Congratulations on being able to graduate next semester yourself! I still have a ways to go but the fact you’re already almost done gives me hope I can survive myself. What did you say you studied again? It’s on the tip of my tongue, but I can’t seem to recall. That’s probably because I haven’t had my coffee yet, believe me that’s my first stop before class :P

I probably should get on that or I’m going to be late, another long day means multiple cups of coffee (and maybe a few cinnamon rolls).

The store was thankfully busy. Not so much for Terra who had to pay much more at attention than usual, but for the store itself. Sure they were the only bookstore in the mall, which helped significantly but at the same time they were independently owned and needed the revenue to keep the doors open.

He looked down the aisle he was standing nearby quickly and had to dodge a few younger kids running to the back of the store where the children’s books were. One of their hands reached out to pull at one of the books but his friend shoved him to keep moving, making the book launch towards the floor. Terra reached out to grab it, placing it carefully back where it was supposed to go. Granted, judging by the complete disarray of every other shelf it really didn’t matter.

The moment he cleaned this aisle, it was a disaster again. He’d have to leave it for the afternoon when they’d be a little slower; the thought alone made him roll his eyes. That would thrill the afternoon shift lead he was sure.

Terra pulled his phone from his apron pocket, glancing at the clock. She’d be here in about an hour, but that also meant he got to leave soon which was more than enough to get him through the rest of his shift. He knew he should put his phone back in his pocket as he was on the floor; even if he was the lead he didn’t like to do things he didn’t let the kids do. Still he couldn’t resist peeking at his email.

Nothing.

He quickly opened the app just to see if he didn’t get a notification but there were no new messages there either.

“Terra!” a voice crackled so loudly in his hear he almost both dropped his phone and ripped the headpiece from his ear. “Terra, can you hear me?”

He reached up to grab the button hanging on the wire of his headset. “Yes, Sora, for the thousandth time, I can always hear you when you speak at a normal volume.”

“Sorry,” Sora’s voice was sheepish but Terra could practically see the smile on the younger boy’s lips. “I have a return. I got everything set up but I need your approval.”

“I’ll be right there.”

“Excuse me, sir?” another voice said nearby but judging by the fact she wasn’t shouting his name it wasn’t one of his employees. “I was looking for something to get my grandson, but I’m unsure what to look for.”

When did this aisle get so full of people? Was the whole store full up again? Had an hour and a half gone by yet?

Terra leaned back hoping to catch the nearest employee he could see who wasn’t on register. Silver hair and blue eyes looked back at him, putting some books back. Terra gestured for him to come over.

“Ma’am, I’m going to have Riku help you find everything you need as I have to assist at the front, is that okay?”

The woman looked a little disgruntled at first but seemed to lighten up when Riku actually stepped into the aisle. “Yes, that’ll be fine. Come with me, young man.”

“I’m sorry,” Terra mouthed when Riku gave a wince but Terra had to keep moving to go finish out the return for Sora before he started yelling in Terra’s ear again. He probably wouldn’t even let Sora use it if he wasn’t always on registers; he was personable and quick, easy to strike a conversation and get the job done.

“Terra,” Sora said again, though this time in an exaggerated whisper. “They’re getting mad.”

Of course they were, everyone was so much more impatient as soon as the Christmas trees go up. He honestly felt that way sometimes too, but the words from his friend’s last message rang in his head. She sounded like she loved Christmas so much, and everything that went into it. For some reason it made him smile at her childlike glow even though all he knew was her typed words and nothing more. She just oozed passion in every message he got from her.

He tried not to think about it too much but it was hard not to; especially when he looked forward to what she was going to say to him next; what he would say to her helped him through these longs days. Terra knew he didn’t quite have a connection with every single person he met, so he was astounded to find that easy communication with her, even though they really never met. No name, no personal identification information, no pictures, just their messages back and forth. Still, it was something special to him.

Terra moved to step behind the register Sora was standing behind; he looked visibly relieved.

“Sorry, about that, Ma’am,” Terra said with a smile, as he leaned in to punch in his code that would let the return go through. He trusted Sora enough to do it right so there was no need to look over it. “You’re good to finish.”

“Thanks,” Sora said, moving back to go about the rest of the transaction as quick as his fingers would allow.

Terra moved to grab some of the books on the back counter that were probably other returns or go backs but really he just wanted to look over the store. There was a small line but with Sora on one and Xion on the other they’d handle registers just fine. Terra glanced around the store, scanning over the other employees scattered around working; if only to make sure everyone was actually working.

There was one missing, and usually it was hard to miss such red hair anywhere. Figures Lea was late. Terra would give Lea a little longer before he called. For the time being he went to place the books back and help on the floor. He had been working here since high school, he knew how to handle both the product and the people, even if he didn’t always characterize himself as a people person. He could still smile and help; though he usually found a lot of people went to the kids to ask for help instead. He apparently looked too intimidating to work at a bookstore.

In the very least, the busy days meant time went by faster. It also made him forget to keep looking at his phone to see if it went off at all. In fact before he knew it, he was turning to stand face to face with the afternoon lead.

“Jesus,” he grunted, taking a step back from her. “Do you have to sneak up on me?”

Aqua was shorter than him, but she was plenty loud; if she wanted to announce her presence she would’ve. Currently, she looked very disinterested in the fact she had to talk to him. Even still, her blue eyes were bright under the store lighting a small smile in the corner of her lips. He knew it absolutely didn’t have to do with him, and probably everything to do with that Christmas spirit she loved so much.

She rolled her eyes. “It’s not my fault you were off in your own head like always.”

He decided to ignore that, however, it was hard to ignore that Aqua was the only one who could look pretty under terrible mall lighting. He placed another book on the shelf in front of him. Terra may not get along with her but it wasn’t like he was blind. He knew the way her eyes crinkled when she smiled and how the shade of her eyes was so unique it was almost like the color of the ocean…not that he would admit that to her or anyone for that matter.

“Did you leave a list of what was done today and what still has to be done?”

“Always do,” he grunted, grabbing another book off the ground to put back.

She clicked her tongue, looking around the area. “This place looks like a mess.”

“Oh, did Scrooge happen to forget it’s only a few weeks before Christmas?”

“Cute, Terra, but you’re the one who hasn’t worn a single Christmas color to work, not me.”

He glanced over to her and sure enough she was wearing not only a red dress but green leggings and even a Santa hat over her blue hair. “Remember what I wear every day, do you?”

“Only your lack of any holiday spirit what so ever.” She reached over to push in a book on the bookshelf near his hand, because, clearly, only she could clean the store correctly.

A twinge of annoyance went down his spine. “Maybe if I didn’t have to listen to you nag at me every day I’d feel more festive.”

“I only nag you because if I didn’t, you’d day dream through the whole shift.”

Well, sort of fair; Terra knew he had a tendency to zone out at times but he wasn’t about to admit that to her. Thankfully, Lea chose that moment to scurry in behind the register, nudging Riku out of the way so he could log in and sneak in the back room. To Lea’s credit he almost had it, and Terra probably would’ve let it slide just because Lea was usually pretty creative when it came to excuses as to being late.

“Nice of you to join us, Lea,” Aqua said without turning her head to him as he snuck behind a bookshelf. “An hour late.”

“Yeah, you know, about that-”

“Go get ready for the shift, don’t worry I have a job for you.”

Lea grumbled something but slouched away probably to the back room.

“See you guys!” Sora waved as he headed out with Roxas and Xion both zipping up their jackets.

“See you,” Terra said, raising a hand to wave.

“See you tomorrow, Aqua,” Xion said, turning to wave goodbye herself.

“It’ll be fun,” Aqua smiled back at the kids who were hurrying to the front.

Terra must’ve scoffed too loud because she was looking back over at him. “Does that mean I’m done? Can I go home now?”

Kairi was already logging in on the register with Olette tying her apron around her back. It was still a little busy but they should be okay. Not that Terra was going to offer to stay to work with Aqua; she was such a control freak it was impossible to work with her.

“As long as you left me the list,” she said, walking away from him.

“I hope it’s up to your impeccable standards.”

Aqua wasn’t looking at him at all, not even a glance; she just continued to where the girls were probably going for the list he really did leave for her and to divvy up the jobs for the night.

“Yikes, dude.”

Terra nearly jumped at the sound of the voice right behind him. He turned his head to see way too familiar blond hair and blue eyes, and a toothy grin that told Terra not to trust whatever the next words were going to be.

“You’re really terrible at flirting.”

“Ventus,” Terra sighed, placing the last book in his arms on the correct shelf. “That was not even remotely what was going on. Not even a little bit.”

“Yeah, cause you got that mystery girl right?”

“I don’t…I don’t have anyone, okay.” Though Terra was tempted to pull out his phone to check to see if he had any new messages from the very person Ven was implying but that would only prove his little brother correct, and Terra didn’t need that right now. He did hope she had said something back though. “She’s just a nice person I talk to. Aqua on the other hand, I think we’d murder each other if we had to be in the same space for too long.”

“Whatever,” Ven snorted. “Are you done? I’m starving.”

Terra glanced back up to the counter; Riku was ringing out someone as Lea was rushing up, hastily tying his apron. Aqua went over the plan with the girls but Terra couldn’t hear a thing. It would probably be strict down to the letter of what they’d have to do knowing Aqua. Ah well, it wasn’t his shift anymore anyways. “Yeah, let me get my things.”

Dear Bytheseaside,

I cannot believe there is a person on this planet that actually doesn’t get sick of that song. I’m pretty sure I’ve been sick of it for at least an eternity now. I guess that’s a testament to you though, patient through and through. I appreciate the holidays as well though I wish I didn’t have to work mostly through them all and I’m sorry to hear so do you. Granted I would like to see you singing along to the songs as you worked, I hope there’s dancing too, possibly a hair brush microphone? I’d assume go all out when it comes to Mariah Carey.

I’m so greatly offended that you could ever say that Santa Claus is not real. How could you think that me, a twenty-six year old male, would ever believe anything but that a man went to every house in the world one night on flying reindeer? To answer your question, yes, I did as a kid, so did my younger brother. Before you ask, no I didn’t tell him until he was old enough. He was an innocent kid, very naïve, very trusting, it actually sort of made me want to believe again just by having him believe it so much. I say that because he’s a pain in my ass now. It was fun though, I used to make cookies with him, leave out the milk, write Santa on some gift tags. Now he just makes cookies for himself. Sorry, Santa.

If that didn’t answer your question, I am close to my family though it’s just my brother, me and my dad. We all still live in the same place we grew up in so no drastic change like you had. I even go to grad school in the same town, I’m fairly boring honestly. I’ve traveled quite a lot for vacations since my dad and brother love to travel but otherwise we just stay put in our little town where it snows in the winter but I don’t think it’s too cold. That’s exciting you’ll get to visit with your parents soon! I honestly don’t think I could live that far away from mine, so you have all my respect that you just up and left to go study where you wanted to.

Oh, hey, thanks! It’s still a little surreal honestly. I never thought I’d ever see the end of school, especially at Midwestern where I go. I not only live in the town, but I went to undergrad there too. I’ve seen its buildings enough for my taste. Oh, it’s no worries, I have the joyful career of becoming an English teacher, aren’t you thrilled for me? I thankfully have experience working with high schoolers and they sometimes find me intimidating so I’m hoping that will carry over when I tell them they have to read The Scarlet Letter.

Okay, knowing you, there’s probably enough sugar in any given cup of coffee. I have no idea how you could stand cinnamon rolls on top of that too, but I guess I’m not surprised either. You could rival my brother’s love for sugar. Please don’t end up in a sugar coma before you even get to class :P

Aqua hummed as she hung up her jacket in the employee room. It was some mash up of Jingle Bells and Santa Claus is Coming to Town but she couldn’t help it. Christmas was so close now, her family would be visiting and everything just oozed with holiday cheer; especially the bells she clipped into her hair for today’s outfit. Even though she was stuck at work all night she felt warm and light, like nothing could quite get under her skin; she sure hoped it stayed the case considering the closer to Christmas, the ruder customers got. Oh well, she’d meet it with a smile, it was the only way to get through the day.

She tied her apron behind her back, slipping her phone in the front pocket (though not without checking her messages first, though so far it was as empty as it was when she left for work). It was okay, he worked a lot too and always was in school; he was probably as busy as she was. The fact he even made time for a few messages was still enough to keep her good mood up.

Aqua kept humming, glancing up at the written schedule on the board to see who she was working with tonight. Everyone had different strengths so she liked to place jobs with people who would excel at them, and it would make their time go by a little faster when they weren’t forced to do something they hated. It was pretty typical; Kairi, Lea, the twins, Xion, Riku, and….no, wait, that had to be a mistake. She reached up to trace the dates, bringing her finger down to make sure she was reading it right.

The door opened making her turn her head, but the person shuffling into the room only confirmed she was reading the schedule correctly. “Terra?”

“In the flesh,” he snorted, but his back was to her as he was shrugging off his jacket; his way-too-light jacket for this weather, what was wrong with that man?

“Is this a mistake?”

“Wish it was,” he said, reaching for his apron to drop over his head. “I’d much rather be home.”

Aqua pressed her lips together, looking back at the schedule. Well, it was only two weeks till Christmas, she supposed she could understand why they may want to schedule two leads but at the same time, did it have to be him?

She didn’t hate Terra. He was a nice guy, quiet and he was very patient with customers and the kids who worked here; in fact she was pretty sure he had more patience in one fraction of his body than she possessed all together. At the same time though, he was so laid back he let things slide far too much which drove her crazy. She could deal with it when it was just in passing, when he told her what was done all morning so she knew what to fix all night, but working a whole shift together?

She looked up at the future days she was scheduled and had to bite back a groan. For everyday she was scheduled until Christmas they were working together? Okay, she was coming in tomorrow morning to talk to someone about this or she’d likely not make it till Christmas.

“Okay,” she said, turning around to face Terra. He wasn’t looking at her, but down at his phone, scrolling through something. “I assume neither of us care for this arraignment?”

“Fair assessment,” he said, still not looking up.

“Then let’s split up the store. I’ll handle the front half and you handle the back half. Registers will be neutral.”

“What is this?” Terra did look up that time, arching an eyebrow at her. “A war meeting?”

“It’s retail in Christmas, of course it’s a war meeting.”

Much to her surprise he actually smiled at her. Well, he also rolled his eyes and shook his head but still. Terra dropped his phone in his apron pocket, before grabbing a headset to put in is ear, clipping the radio into his back pocket as he walked back over to the door. “Fine, should I lay down a boundary line to make sure no one crosses it?”

“Of course, I’ll give you money to buy the duct tape.”

“I have a brother, believe me, I know how to handle boundary lines.” Terra went to push the door open but it swung open on itself.

“No one can say anything,” Lea said as he walked in, pointing to the both of them. “I’m on time today.”

“Christmas miracles,” Terra said, reaching out to push at Lea’s head before Terra caught the door open, leaving without another word.

“Good, because if you were late one more time I was going to put you on register the whole night just because I know how much you love it,” Aqua said, watching as Lea shrugged out of his long jacket.

“Wait,” he arched an eyebrow as he looked back at her. “Are you and Terra both working tonight?”

“Ah, yeah, seems like the boss wants more hands at night.”

Lea got this grin on his lips, devilish almost, not that the flaming red hair helped. “Oh, this is going to be a grand night.”

Aqua decided not to ask what he meant by that and moved to grab a headset and radio before leaving the room to head to the floor; there at least she could assign the other workers their jobs. She hoped everything went quickly and smoothly. She really wasn’t in the mood to bicker with Terra all night.

Thankfully, he seemed to feel the same.

For the most part it was easy to help customers at the front of the store, keeping an eye on the registers, straightening and restocking when she could. The customer volume was absolutely going up every day so she could understand why there were two leads on the floor but that didn’t mean she was completely happy about it. Though to his credit Terra stayed to the back of the store and helped any customers she sent that way. She knew he’d prefer to be back there as opposed to the front where she got the brunt of the social force.

“Permission to step across the boundary, your highness?”

She looked up from straightening some self-help books to see Terra with both his hands up in defense. “Depends, what’s your business?”

“I would very much like to leave the store to get dinner.”

Was it that time already? Aqua glanced over to the registers where Sora and Xion were busy ringing out. Roxas was probably still in the kid’s section fixing the display she asked him to adjust, Riku was upfront helping someone with the new releases, and while Aqua couldn’t see Lea or Kairi they were probably wandering around somewhere.

“I’ll even throw the incentive to check the back of the store to make sure my standards are as high as yours.” He was watching her but his hands were in the front of his apron, probably fiddling with his phone or something.

“Why do you think we’re so busy?” she asked, pushing another book back into place. “High standards.”

“Oh, yeah, nothing to do with the fact we’re the only book store in the nearest 50 mile radius,” he snorted.

Okay, fair point; not that she was going to tell him that. “Yes, you can go, just tell me when you’re finished so I can take mine too.”

“Oh, she takes breaks does she?”

“Don’t be such an ass,” she said, but admittedly was choking back a small laugh. Aqua would just toss that up to the fact she was still in plenty of a good mood. “Just go.”

“Whatever you say, princess.” Terra gave a vague sort of wave as he walked towards the front of the store until he was completely out of sight.

“Do you even think they know?” Lea’s voice said from nearby, but Aqua didn’t pay too much attention to it, she just went back to fixing the shelves she was working on.

“Oh, God, no,” Kairi giggled. “They would never flirt with each other as much as they do if they knew they were doing it.”

Aqua did turn to look that time, which was the only reason she knew they were talking about her; considering both Lea and Kairi were peering around the end of the bookshelves in that row watching her with near matching shit-eating grins on their lips. Aqua had to ignore the heat that rose to her face that the insane implication she would ever flirt with Terra, or vice versa for that matter. That was absurd. You didn’t flirt with people you could barely be in the same room with.

“No way,” she said pointing towards them. “How many times have I told you both, you aren’t allowed to work near each other. All you do is talk and gossip. Lea, go make sure kids haven’t bombarded Roxas in the children’s section, then go make sure everyone has been helped. Kairi, please start on the other end of this row with me.”

“Aye, aye, captain,” Lea said, vanishing behind the shelves.

Kairi was still giggling but she started straightening the books like she was asked. Aqua wanted to ask the younger girl how they got it in their heads that either Terra or herself would ever consider flirting with each other, but at the same time she didn’t want to open that door. Ever.

Aqua’s phone buzzed and her heart leapt up to her throat. She really knew she couldn’t look, and she shouldn’t look, it set a bad example; she wasn’t always as disciplined as she looked though. She pushed her apron pocket open, peeking down at the bright screen with her heart pounding in her chest. It promptly sunk into her stomach when she saw it was just an email telling her about some sale.

“Message from the mystery man?”

Aqua’s head snapped up to see Kairi still looking at the books as she worked on, making them look neat again. It wasn’t a terrible surprise as Kairi tended to work afternoon shifts with Aqua, and she may have mentioned she was talking to someone a few times. “Ah, no, not this time.”

“Do you know his name yet?”

“No, but that’s okay,” Aqua said, taking a small breath before going back to her job.

“Aren’t you worried he’s like sixty years old or something? Or like a murderer?”

“I’m not saying everyone you meet on the internet is good,” Aqua said. “But when you talk to someone enough, you just sort of…know them. I don’t know, I may not know his name or what he looks like but he’s sweet.” She paused. “And he said he was twenty-six so he’s only a little bit older than me.”

“Do you feel like you know him already then?” Kairi asked. She wasn’t teasing this time, genuinely curious.

“Sort of,” Aqua said, a smile pulling at her lips at just the thought of their conversations. “He’s very kind, and articulate. He’s said once or twice people find him intimidating but to me he just seems so gentle, you know? Especially when he talks about his little brother. I know what he likes to do for fun, favorite foods, movies, what he wants to do for a living, and ah…”

“What?”

Aqua paused for a moment, feeling a small bundle of nerves in her stomach again. He mentioned it so briefly in his last message and she had been torn over what to do about it ever since…if she even wanted to do something about it. “He sorta mentioned where he went to college.”

“Was it bad? Oh wait, was it good? Like Ivy League good?”

“No, well, I mean good but…it’s where I go to school.”

Kairi nearly dropped the book she was holding. “Wait, you guys go to the same school and don’t even know it?”

Aqua nodded; it had been about her same reaction when she read that one sentence. He probably didn’t even mean to say since up till then, they never gave away and facts that led onto where they lived.

“You could know him in real life and not even know it.”

“I think I’d know it,” she rolled her eyes. Aqua may not know him at sight, but she was pretty sure from having a conversation with him that she’d be able to tell how he talked, how he presented himself. She still paused, looking over to Kairi. “Should I ask him to meet? Like on campus or something? Would that be too much?”

“I mean, I don’t think it would be too much,” Kairi shrugged. “People meet online all the time these days. It just depends on how comfortable you feel about it or if you like the mystery more than the man.”

Aqua knew the answer to that question. She’d love to meet him, to sit across the table from him over some warm coffee, to see if how she pictured his voice was really how it was, to hear his laugh, see his smile. The thoughts alone made her stomach flip anxiously. What if he wasn’t anything like how she pictured? Would it make a difference?

“I think I would…” Aqua started. “Meet him that is.”

“Then ask him,” Kairi said, standing up on her toes to get a book on the top shelf. “Worst he could say is no and then you’re no worse off than you are now.”

That was a good point. Aqua squatted down towards the floor to fix a few books. Maybe it wouldn’t be a bad thing to ask. Maybe he’d like it too. Maybe he wouldn’t but then they could still talk just like they have been. She thought about meeting him so many times before now, ever since she sent that first message a few months ago.

She liked him, more than she cared to admit to anyone but herself. It was silly maybe, but he always brought a smile to her face, that had to be worth something. It had to be worth a risk.

Dear OftheShire,

Of course there’s dancing, geez, boy, do you even know me?? Not a hairbrush, no, but absolutely any candy cane shaped object I can find. It’s been described as both a wonder and a hot mess so I take that with very high regard. If you ever wander into where I work I’ll be sure to show you, and probably embarrass you and myself so much you’ll never want to be seen in public with me lmao

That’s right! I forgot you mentioned your little brother before. Well, you sound like a great big brother to play along with the façade, even just for his sake. I don’t have any siblings myself so I never got to share the joy of having to share my room or bathroom with anyone. He seems very sweet, even if you insist he’s a pain in your ass (ps I can totally tell you love him, don’t play so cool :P ) Plus he sounds like he likes sweets as much as me so I can get behind that!

It’s so sweet you’re so close to your family too! So much that you don’t consider leaving them, that tells me a lot about you and how much they must love you too :D Okay, wait, how have we been talking so much and you never told me you traveled! I haven’t gotten to do so very much but I’ve always wanted to. Are we talking like “oh, hey, I just get around the country every so often” or “I’m a damn world traveler and have eaten things you’d never dreamed of and can speak five languages on command”? I mean both are cool, but I need to know which one it is.

Savor it, my friend! Especially as a teacher, cause, hate to break it to you but technically you’re going to be in school for a very long time. High school too? Wow, you’re a brave man! See, you keep saying people find you intimidating, but, like, to me you seem so mellow and gentle? Is it something about you physically? Are you like a seven foot football player or wrestler or something? Also, excuse you, don’t judge my sugar intake, I’m perfectly capable of not dying from sugar intake, :P (More reasons why I love your brother already too)

Hey, so, weird thing. I sort of go to Midwestern too. Small world right! I can’t believe we’ve been talking for so long and we could be in the same class. How weird is that? I was wondering if maybe you wanted to meet for coffee on campus or something? At that little café in the library? Like this Thursday? Please don’t feel like you have to! But I thought it might be nice to actually see each other in person since we happened to actually live in the same town. I can like wear bells in my hair and have a copy of The Hobbit since I know that was your favorite book as a kid so you know it’s me. Just let me know!

“I don’t know why I had to come with you,” Ven said as he walked down the sidewalk next to Terra. That statement, of course, was accompanied by Ven’s big grin, meaning he was highly amused that his older brother asked him to come with him to a possible, maybe, sort of, kind of date.

Was it? Terra had no idea, but he’d never claim to be good at picking up on things like that. All he knew was he stared at her message for a lot longer than he should’ve, even stunned that someone as nice as her would actually want to see him in person. It was easy to agree then, to feel excited to finally meet the person behind the words but now that he was walking towards the campus library, the bright lights from the building looming over him, all he felt like was throwing up.

“Even if she was a murderer I’m pretty sure you could take her,” Ven continued.

“I don’t think she’s a murderer,” Terra snorted, shoving his hands in his jacket pockets. “Or even a threat.”

“I hate to break it to you, Ter, but you aren’t always the best judge of character.”

That was…fair. “Can’t you be good, quiet moral support?”

Ven clicked his tongue looking up to the building. “If you wanted quiet support you probably should’ve brought like Riku from your work or something. I’m your brother, I’m legally entitled to give you a hard time.”

“I don’t think that’s true. If me and dad both die then you’re legally entitled to my things I guess.”

Ven whistled. “Books, books, and more books I’m so thrilled.”

Terra reached out to shove at Ven’s head, making the younger boy laugh. It was why Terra bought Ven in the first place; if anyone could make Terra not get wrapped up too much in his own thoughts, it was Ven.

“There it is,” he said, pointing to a particularly well illuminated section of the library. It was easy to see through the large windows where students were in line to get a late night caffeine fix or snacks; it was fairly late, he had to wait till he was off work to even come since Aqua already requested the night off and someone had to be there.

“Don’t look so nervous.” Ven nudged Terra’s shoulder. “She already likes you enough to talk to you all the time, this is just without a screen in between. No big deal.” Ven reached for the door handle, but Terra pulled Ven away from it.

“God, what?” he asked, arching an eyebrow up.

Terra knew he was acting sort of childish but he couldn’t help but feel the nerves in his stomach reaching up through his chest. “What if she isn’t even there?”

Ven paused for a second before grabbing a hold of Terra’s arm, dragging him over to one of the side windows. Ven leaned up close to the glass leaving Terra out of view so that way Ven would be the one seen if anyone looked over. “Okay, what did she say she was wearing again?”

He was a good brother. “Ah, she said she’d have bells in her hair, and a book, The Hobbit.”

“You guys are such nerds,” Ven snorted. “Alright, alright, let me…see…” He let out a low whistle that made Terra look up.

“Wait, what? Is that good or bad?”

“I dunno, man, she doesn’t really look your type but she does look like mine, maybe I should go in instead of you.”

It took Terra a moment with his heart nearly in his throat to realize Ven was teasing. “You’re a shit, will you tell me the truth?”

“Okay, okay, calm down,” Ven laughed, looking back into the café. “Alright so, bells in the hair is kind of common around Christmas, but the book would be an easier…way…to tell, ummm…Oh!”

“What? Do you see her?” Terra asked, nearly going up behind Ven to see too.

Ven was quiet for a second, and he wasn’t teasing anymore which didn’t bode well. “Ah, well, she’s your type for sure, but you’re probably not going to like it.”

Terra had no idea what that was supposed to mean. He quickly slipped in next to Ven who nodded over to a table off to the side of the café. Terra saw the book first, fingers tapping on the cover, anxiously, impatiently maybe. Maybe he should’ve known before he even looked at her face, the familiar shade of blue hair, eyes he already knew glancing over at the door when it opened. Hell, he even knew the bells she was wearing in her hair.

He quickly turned around, leaning his back against the window instead. This couldn’t be…it was a joke right? The girl, the kind, funny, compassionate girl he had been talking to for months it…couldn’t be Aqua, could it?

It had to be. He didn’t tell anyone but Ven, who may tease Terra sure but would never do anything cruel to him. Maybe the girl had said something to someone else? Like she was nervous to meet him too so she said something to a friend who offered to wait for her, that friend unknowingly being Aqua.

Terra turned his head to look back in the room to see if anything could confirm that theory. It didn’t though, not when he saw the hope flicker in her eyes every time someone walked in, anytime someone got too close to her table for it to fade away, her fingers still tapping anxiously at book cover.

It was her; there was no one else it could be. How could it be her? The girl he talked to was nothing like the Aqua he was forced to work with.

“Terra,” Ven said, like he was very much doubting that Terra was going to move. “You have to go in there, you know that right?”

“I can’t,” he groaned, leaning his head back against the glass. “If she knows it’s me she’ll just be mad and she’ll never talk to me again.”

“So you’re going to leave a person, that I know you’ve been trying to hide how much you like, just waiting for you cause you found out you really do know them?”

“That’s the problem. I do know her and now I feel like I know two completely different people sharing the same body.”

Ven arched an eyebrow. “Do you though?”

“Do I what?”

“Do you know her? Maybe the girl online is really how she is and you never gave her the chance to be that way around you.”

Terra didn’t like that Ven was making sense. He was barely graduated from high school; it shouldn’t be possible for him to make assumptions like that. “It doesn’t change the fact that if she sees me, she’s going to make me leave. I can guarantee you I’m not the person she wants to see.”

“So what, you’re just going to stand her up? I’m sure she was looking forward to this as much as you were and she’ll leave here wondering why her friend didn’t want to meet her.”

Ven was laying on the guilt there but it was working. Terra didn’t always get along with Aqua but he didn’t hate her, and he really didn’t hate the girl he talked to on the internet; he wouldn’t want either of them to feel stood up.

“Okay,” Terra said, reaching a hand up to run through his hair. “Okay, I’ll go. But you’re getting an ‘I told you so’ if she kicks me out without letting me explain.”

Ven didn’t say anything else, he just gestured to the door. Terra did what he said and opened the door to the café, stepping inside. He tried not to look at her, knowing she was still watching everyone who walked in. He thought he felt Ven slip in behind but Terra lost track of his brother when he did make eye contact with Aqua.

She looked a little confused, like she was surprised he was there. Did she even know they went to the same school? Probably not; it wasn’t like they talked much, especially if it wasn’t work related. He walked over to the table she was sitting at, though he still had no idea what he was going to do let alone say.

“Hey,” he said, which was at least a start.

“Ah, hey,” Aqua said, still a confused look on her face. “I didn’t know you went to school here.”

That answered that question. “Hm, yeah, I do. What’re you doing here so late?”

Her face flushed slightly, she was embarrassed; it wasn’t a look he was used to on her. “Oh, I was just waiting for someone.”

“This late at night?”

“He had to work.”

“He, huh,” Terra said, pulling out the empty chair from the table. “On a date then?”

She flushed again and he did feel bad. He never saw Aqua be embarrassed in as long as he knew her. She always rolled with the punches, and stood her ground; which he did admire about her if he was being honest. “Who said it was your business?”

Terra shrugged, trying to ignore the weird feeling in the pit of his stomach as he sat down. It was a strange mix of still being in shock that Aqua was his mystery girl and the fluttering feeling fact that she wasn’t denying it could’ve been a date. It was so conflicting and made him sort of want to throw up. “It’s not, I was only asking.”

The door opened behind him and Aqua’s head immediately snapped over to look. She watched the guy walk in but looked away when he made no motion to walk over to her.

“Blind date?” he asked, propping his elbow up on the table. He knew he should tell her, it was cruel to pretend it wasn’t him, but at the same time he couldn’t actually get the words to form in his head let alone come out.

Aqua glanced back to him, like she was surprised he was still there. “I guess you could say that.”

“Friend of a friend?”

“No,” she said, looking down to the book still on the table. “Ah, I met him online.”

Terra whistled. “You keep looking for him, I’m guessing he’s late?”

She hesitated. “It’s an unusual hour, he could be running behind.”

“And didn’t even tell you? Not the best first impression.”

She arched an eyebrow. “He’s actually a very nice person. I think if he’s running late he has a good reason to be.”

Terra felt a slight bit of exhilaration that she was standing up for him, that she thought he was a good person who wouldn’t stand anyone up. Based only on their conversations she actually wanted to see him, she looked forward to it. It only made him feel sicker that she was so wrong without even knowing it. “Sure hope so, better than chickening out.”

“Don’t you have somewhere to be?” That exasperated tone he knew well, but now he couldn’t stop seeing the softer look in her eyes, her tone in the way she excitedly told him about her days, about how much she loved Christmas.

It would’ve been easy to say, “Yeah, right here” or anything to tell her that he was the one she was waiting for but she looked like she wanted to be anywhere but near him. Despite expecting this was how it was going to be, it hurt. Not just because this was the girl he looked forward to getting messages from, the girl who got him through the long days, that made the holidays seem a little brighter this year, but because something in the way he behaved towards her made her feel like she had to be harsh with him.

Maybe if he had been kinder at work, maybe if he listened instead of writing her off as a control freak, if he understood how she operated, if he was more patient, he would’ve seen the girl behind the screen while he was at work. Maybe he would’ve seen her eyes light up when it was him who walked through the room and maybe he would’ve liked it, loved it even.

But it wasn’t what happened and now he couldn’t tell her, he couldn’t ever tell her. Terra wasn’t sure he could bear seeing that disappointment in her eyes. It would be easier for her to feel stood up than for him to crush her dreams that her mystery guy was none other than the person she hated.

“Yeah, I do,” Terra said, pushing himself up to his feet.

She was watching him but he couldn’t quite read her.

He leaned forward to tap the cover of the book. “Good choice,” he said. “I always liked it too.”

If she moved to say anything to him, he didn’t see it. He turned around to head back to the door, Ven scrambling off a stool to follow behind. He at least didn’t say anything as they walked in silence to Terra’s car. The disappointment only sunk in harder the farther he got away from the café. It wasn’t even that it was Aqua, that it was always Aqua - it was only in himself.

He didn’t even care to tell Ven ‘I told you so’ at any point.

Dear Bytheseaside,

Of course there is, how silly of me to assume otherwise. I appreciate your level of shamelessness in the least but it would take more than that to drive me off I think. Little brother, remember? I can take a lot of embarrassment. Speaking of, he’s alright. He just graduated high school and will be starting college in the spring much to my dreaded realization that time has gone by way too fast for me. Jokes aside he’s a great kid. Smart and generous, also sarcastic and snarky and sometimes I want to kill him but usually I love him. I think he very well could rival your love for sweets. You two would be peas in a pod honestly.

I mean, I can’t speak five languages in the least. Bits and pieces maybe, but not fluently. I have been around this country quite a bit but also places around the world. My dad traveled a lot before me and my brother so he took use when we were old enough. It’s always been fun, and yes, I have eaten things you’ve probably never dreamed of. It’s actually why my brother is starting college late, we had a trip planned for his graduation that interfered with some deadlines.

I can assure you I’m not a football player or a wrestler, I’m actually not really a sports person. I played in high school cause they made me but I never cared much for it. I’m not seven feet tall either, though maybe a little taller than average; maybe that freaks people out, I don’t know. I like to think I’m pretty mellow. You know, I’m not entirely sure you are capable of that. I’d be afraid to ever let you two in the same room, I may come back to find the place littered with all the sweets you two could find.

Wait, seriously? How did we never know we went to the same school? Let alone live in the same vicinity. You can say small world again. But, yeah, I mean, I’d totally be cool with that! I checked the work schedule and Thursday was already requested off so I can’t take it, but I can meet you after work if that’s okay? I’d actually really like it a lot. I’ll look for the bells and the book!

Aqua wasn’t sure if it was the cold weather and busy work schedule mixed with finals last week that knocked her out but all she knew was she tried to get up for work and there was just no way. She never called off but she didn’t have a choice. There was no way to open when she couldn’t even move from her bed; she felt like she got hit by a tuck the way her whole body ached, her nose wouldn’t stop running, she could barely eat anything in her apartment. It was probably for the best, all it would be was a day of sulking when she was supposed to be working. At least home she could pull the blankets over her head and pretend there wasn’t a terrible ache in her heart.

He never came.

She waited for hours, and then more time in hopes he’d walk in and recognize her sitting there. He never did. Aqua kept her phone out in case he messaged her that something came up but nothing, not a word. She didn’t know how to feel; if she should be heartbroken that the person she wanted to meet so badly didn’t feel the same. She worried that something happened to him, or nervous she did something to keep him away.

It only just resulted in her crying alone in her bed most the night, then to wake up with a pounding headache and feeling even more terrible. Aqua hadn’t known it was possible. She felt so stupid sitting there, and even more stupid going home alone, and just so sad. He was also so kind, so interested in what she had to say, so engaging she couldn’t understand what happened. He even sounded like he really wanted to meet her. Was it a lie to make her feel better and he never intended to come? That didn’t sound like him; he was always so open and honest. Still, she figured maybe you can’t always know someone just from the internet.

She reached her hand around the comforter covering her, trying to reach for the tissue box. Her nose was raw from blowing it so much but what else could she do but sit here and feel bad for herself? Tifa offered to come over and talk but Aqua just didn’t feel like talking to anyone. She cracked an eye open to look at her phone but no messages.

Clearly the one person she wanted to talk to didn’t want to talk to her.

She was maybe being melodramatic, she barely knew this person outside from long conversations reaching on for weeks but then again, wasn’t that enough to be able to know someone? Aqua groaned as she pulled the blankets over her head. She didn’t want to think anymore. She just wanted to go to sleep and pretend none of this happened. She should’ve never suggested going to meet him.

Except there was a part of her that still wanted to meet him.

Aqua slowly pulled the blanket down to her chest when she thought she heard something. She tried to listen to the quiet apartment, but there was nothing. No, wait…maybe there was something? Maybe she was delusional too? Someone was knocking on her door? Were they or was she imagining it?

Her phone buzzed and against her better judgment she nearly dove for it. The message waiting for her wasn’t anything like what she expected though.

Terra Hale (Work)

Aqua, your neighbors are starting to look at me strangely. Can you open the door?

She blinked at the screen, trying to make sure she was reading that right. Yeah, they had each other’s numbers because they had to but he never texted her anything that wasn’t work related and even that was few and far between.

Wait, are you here? Like at my door?

It wasn’t an unreasonable thing to ask, she didn’t even think Terra knew where she lived let alone ever been here before. Granted, he did use her name so it probably wasn’t a wrong number text.

Terra Hale (Work)

No, I’m asking you to open your door because I’m across town at someone else’s door. Yes, I’m standing here. It won’t take long, I know you’re sick.

Aqua knew she wasn’t feeling well but now she felt like she was in some weird alternative dimension. Was she dreaming? She had to be. Still she found herself kicking her legs over the side of her bed to stand up on shaky legs. Should she let him in? She probably looked like a terrible mess; red faced, red nosed, red eyed, not showered, bed head, the same PJ’s on from last night. Yep, he was probably going to tease her and never let her live this down.

She grabbed a thinner blanket off her bed and wrapped it around her shoulders, hopefully covering some of disheveled state. Aqua didn’t like people seeing her less than at her best, let alone someone who didn’t even seem to like her at her best. She shuffled through her small living room and kitchen to the door. It was still chained shut, so she opened it only as far as the chain went.

Sure enough there was Terra standing there. He was still in his work uniform, typical thin jacket on. He had some sort of bag in his hands but his eyes were glancing down at her before looking up to the chain lock.

“I promise I’m not trying to rob you.”

Aqua hesitated. “Are you here because I called off and made you work?”

His face was almost unreadable but he didn’t look mad, or even annoyed. “No, I’m here because Leon said you called off and you’ve never done that in the time I’ve known you so I figured it was serious.” Terra held up the white plastic bag slightly. “I wanted to make sure you were okay.”

She wasn’t sure how much she believed him since he never seemed to care about her wellbeing before but Aqua also didn’t want to leave the poor guy just standing there when he hadn’t actually done anything wrong. She reached up to unhook the chain, pulling the door open.

He stepped in, closing the door behind him while Aqua quickly retreated to the kitchen which was closer than the living room.

“Do you, ah, want any…” She paused to reach her arm to her face, sneezing far louder than she wanted to. “Coffee? Tea?”

“No, thank you,” he said, though she was surprised to see a small smile on his lips. “You should go back to bed.”

“I’m fine,” she said, but her nose betrayed her, sounding gross and stuffy. Great, this was just wonderful.

Terra placed the bag on her counter, undoing the knot on the top. “I brought you some soup,” he said, pulling out a large Tupperware contained that looked full to the brim with some sort of chicken soup. “It just needs to be heated up. It’s my dad’s recipe, real good I promise. He used to make it for me and my brother when we were sick too.”

Aqua couldn’t help but eye him as he placed the container in the fridge for her. “Oh, wow, well thank you. You didn’t have to do that.”

“It was nothing,” he shrugged, reaching back for the bag. “I also brought some tea leaves, another special blend my dad always gave us. Do you have a teapot or anything?”

“Ah…” Aqua fiddled with the edge of her blanket. She didn’t know what she was expecting when she let Terra inside but this was absolutely not it. “Yeah, on the stove.”

He turned to grab it, filling it up with some water from the sink. While she wasn’t used to Terra being so…accommodating to her, she knew if she asked him to leave he would but she couldn’t find those words. She was more curious as to why he was being so accommodating; especially after how rude she was to him last night. Guilt swirled in the pit of her stomach, making her feel worse than she already did. She tried to tell herself he deserved it, that he was always abrasive at work so what else was she supposed to do? But at the same time, here he was pulling a mug off her drying rack to put near the tea he brought.

He turned the stove on, the clicks filling the otherwise quiet kitchen. “Go on back to bed, I’ll bring you some when it’s done and get out of your hair.”

She bit down on her lip, watching him as he popped open the container of tea leaves. She never really had tea without a tea bag before; she didn’t even know Terra liked tea. Come to think of it, she didn’t know very much about him in the first place. “I’m fine,” she said again, though she promptly sneezed again.

He looked up from pouring the tea leaves into the mug, a sort of knowing smile on his lips.

“I, um…” Aqua was really unsure what to even say. They never had a conversation without bickering before. “I’ll take your shift tomorrow.” She had to pause to sniffle even if it was incredibly embarrassing. “To make up for making you work today.”

“No need,” he said. “You keep your day off, you may need another day to rest and feel better.”

“No, no, it’s only fai-” Another sneeze. “Fair.”

“You’re clearly exhausted and overworked,” he said, sealing the cap back on the tea. “You need the rest and you need to go back to bed.”

“Really, I’m fi…” she paused when she saw him coming towards her. “Fine, I’m fine.”

He hummed like he really didn’t believe her which he clearly didn’t because the next thing he had picked her up over his shoulder.

“Terra!” she gasped, instinctively reaching down to grab him and keep her balance but she was more amazed at how effortlessly he carried her. She should be furious at him for touching her when she didn’t need to be but instead all she felt was a sort of warmth from his body, it was comforting in a weird way. That someone came out all the way just to take care of her.

It was sweet, even though she never thought to describe Terra that way.

He gently placed her down on her bed moving out of the way as she could only stare up at him in surprise. “I’m sorry if I intruded,” he said holding his hands up slightly. “But if I knew anything about you it was that you probably wouldn’t ask for help and were just sitting here suffering alone. I thought I’d help even a little bit.”

It was sweet, it was really sweet. She even smiled a little bit. “Well, thank you.” Aqua kicked her legs up onto her bed as he reached down to pull the comforter up over her. “I take it as a big brother you know how to take care of someone with a cold?”

He sat down on the edge of her bed, reaching over to briefly place his hand on her forehead. “And a fever, yes.”

She rolled her head on her pillow, looking up to meet his blue eyes. Were they always that blue? That compassionate? She didn’t know.

“Hey,” he said. “Did the person you were supposed to meet ever show up?”

Aqua felt her stomach sink at the mention even though it wasn’t an unusual thing to ask. “No,” she said. “He never did.”

Terra clicked his tongue in thought and she was sure something snarky was about to follow. “Well, I’m sorry to hear that. You deserve better than being stood up like that. He’s an idiot for doing that to you.”

Aqua felt like she was staring but she couldn’t help it; of all the things she was expecting that was not it. Who was this and what had he done with Terra? Maybe it always was Terra but she was too stubborn to see the boy who lived behind her coworker. “Ah, well, thank you, that’s sweet of you.”

She paused for a second. On any normal circumstances she would never even consider opening her mouth to say what she was thinking to him, but he was here and he was being so nice, and she was admittedly not in her right mind. “Do you think…” she started, biting down at her lip to voice the one thought she couldn’t get out of her head. “Do you think he was there? And he took one look at me and left? Do you think it was me?”

“No,” Terra said quickly. “I don’t think that would ever be the case. You’re pretty, any guy would be lucky to look in and see you sitting there. Maybe something came up and he wasn’t able to tell you, or maybe he was too nervous to show his face. I don’t think it was you.”

Aqua stared at him; she didn’t expect him to say anything like that to her, not now not ever.

“I’m also, ah…” He glanced away, looking over her probably terribly messy room. “I’m sorry for intruding on you last night.”

“Oh, ah, it’s okay.” She swallowed the lump in her throat. “I was just nervous.”

He opened his mouth to say something but the teapot whistled from the other room. He got up with a slight smile and left her room. Aqua could only watch after him.

This was…a weird day. Seeing this small glimpse of him though…it was just astounding to her; maybe this was the real Terra. Sure he was laid back and didn’t hold the rules as high of a regard as she did, but maybe that was because he was understanding and wanted to give everyone a chance. He never punished Lea for being late, or Sora for mixing up an order, or Kairi for chatting too much but maybe it was because he was empathetic, understanding how and why they did the things they did.

Maybe there was a lot of him she didn’t even know.

“Okay,” he said, coming in with two cups in his hands. “Tea is in the mug though it’s very hot so be careful. Water is in the glass because with a fever, you should stay hydrated.”

The tea smelt so good, herbal spices mixing to remind her of an autumn day. She carefully took the mug from him, the steam and warmth making her feel better already.

He placed the water on her night stand, sticking his hands in his jacket pocket as he looked down at her. “Try and stay in bed and get some sleep. I left the tea leaves out in case you want more and soup is still in the fridge. If you need more or want anything different to eat or anything really, you have my number. I don’t live that far away.”

Aqua looked up at him. She was used to how he looked, how he dressed, his facial expressions, his mannerisms but this time it was like seeing a whole different person. “Thank you, Terra, I really mean it.”

“Any time,” he said, reaching a hand up to wave. “Get some rest.”

“Okay,” she nodded. “See you.”

“Bye.” He gave her a slight smile before turning to leave, the sound of her door closing shut was the last thing she heard of him.

What had seriously just happened? She could barely wrap her mind around it as she sipped on her tea. A part of her still wondered if she was dreaming but as she looked down at her quiet phone she did realize one thing.

At least for a little bit she stopped wondering why her friend hadn’t messaged her about last night.

Dear OftheShire,

I do hope all is well and nothing serious happened that caused you not to be able to make it. Maybe there was a misunderstanding somewhere along the way (maybe we really weren’t talking about the same schools?). Whatever the case, I hope I haven’t done anything that would’ve kept you away. I’d feel terrible if I made you feel pressured or scared in any way. All I really wanted to do was talk to the person whose company I’ve been enjoying so much!

I hope this doesn’t change anything between us because I would greatly miss being friends with you. If you thinking meeting in person is a bad idea, I’ll never bring it up again! Things can completely stay the same between us here.

I do hope all is well though. Just let me know so I don’t worry too much about you!

It was strange how you could go from barely thinking about someone to go to never getting them out of your mind. Maybe it was because Terra finally stopped distinguishing Aqua, the girl he worked with from Aqua, the girl he really liked online. They were both the same people, and he could see that now clearly. He never bothered to before, but seeing the soft look in her eyes as she asked him if he thought it was her that made her date run away, slipping Xion some money so she could go buy herself a sugary coffee, watching how she helped the seven year old girl pick out a present for her mom, how Aqua sang along with the radio when she thought no one was looking, the grin on her face when she teased Lea for flirting with customers again, it was all the same Aqua.

He couldn’t believe he never saw it before.

The few days she was gone from work to recover dragged on and on. He wanted to check up on her but he didn’t want to intrude, once was enough for his heart that nearly pounded out of his chest the entire time he was there. He hoped she’d text him but she never did. He knew he could respond to her waiting message but it didn’t feel right; not after what he did, not after what he knew. Terra felt terrible lying to her even at her apartment but he just didn’t know what he could say that would make any of this right.

He tried to when she did come back to work but all that came out was asking her if she needed more tea and that the magazines looked like a tornado went through them. Terra never admitted to be very smooth.

No, instead he found himself just sort of lingering around the store, trying to keep to himself or help her and the other kids when they needed it. Thankfully with only one week till Christmas left they were swamped at all times and he could keep busy enough to take his mind off the beautiful girl he worked with, the one who made him so happy without even knowing she did.

How had he been so blind?

“Oh, yes, ma’am, its right over here,” Aqua said from around the corner.

Terra leaned around the end of the bookshelf he was doing a quick stock of to see her walking with another woman to one of the bookshelves that lined the walls.

“It’s a beautiful book,” Aqua continued. “Full of beautiful pictures and descriptions, great for any fan.” She reached up to the top shelf to grab some sort of movie art book but the stock was low and she was a little too short to reach it on her own. “Popular as well,” she chuckled as she tried to strain a little harder to grab it with no luck.

Terra left the books he had in his hands on the shelf, moving over to where Aqua was still struggling. He reached over her head to grab the book with no effort. “Here you go,” he said, passing it to Aqua.

She had turned around to look at him, a little too close, he could feel the warmth of her body against his. There was this look in her eyes, one he couldn’t quite read but it melted into that customer service smile. “Thank you,” she said, turning again to hand the book to the customer. “We have to keep some tall employees here just for that.”

The woman smiled her thanks and went to leave, vanishing in the rest of the crowd of customers. Terra knew he should get back to his own work, but he was frozen when Aqua exhaled, leaning back against the bookshelf as she looked back up at him. “I am exhausted.”

“I know the feeling,” he said, reaching a hand up behind the back of his head.

“You need a break?” she asked a sort of concern wrinkling her forehead. “I can hold the fort down.”

“Oh, no, I’ll be fine but feel free to take it if you need it. I can handle it just fine.”

While before it may’ve ended up in more bickering, now she merely laughed. “I appreciate it, Terra, but I’ll be okay too. I guess we’re better as a team out here anyways.”

He blinked at her, not quite getting what she meant, but she glanced upwards at the top shelf. “Ah, yeah, need those tall arms don’t you?”

“I used to think I was tall for a girl, and then I met you.”

“Ah, what can I say? Born to be a sports person.”

“Were you?”

“No,” he laughed. “I never cared much for playing or watching them.”

She looked at him with that unreadable look again. It wasn’t bad he didn’t think, he just wasn’t sure what was going through her head. “Well, I suppose you do like books better.”

“That I do, obviously.” He found his voice lacking the sarcasm he used to talk to her with, mainly because he really did enjoy talking to her. He thought maybe she felt the same because she was much less abrasive with him ever since he brought her the soup. Maybe it hadn’t been such a bad idea.

She laughed lightly, opening her mouth to say something else but a voice crackled in both their ears, judging by the way Aqua cringed at the same time he did.

“Guys,” Sora whined a little too loudly over the headset. “This customer is angry over a sale. Can one of you come help me?”

Terra reached up to turn his mic on to say he got it but he felt Aqua’s soft touch on his arm.

“I got it, Sora,” she said as she pressed her mic on. “I’ll be right there.”

“Oh, thank Jesus. I think they want to murder me.”

“I would’ve gone,” Terra said. “I know you said you were tired.”

“It’s fine,” she said with the smile he had gotten used to the past few days. “I know you’re not a big confrontation person and I love putting people in their place, especially when they mess with my kids.” She winked at him before going to head to the register.

Terra watched her go and almost pitied the person who yelled at Sora. Almost. Terra moved back to where he was stocking, hoping it would keep distracting him till the store closed and he could get some peace and quiet to clean the store in.

“What happened with you?”

He looked up to see Riku standing at the next shelving unit over. He was straightening but he was also eyeing Terra a little curiously. “I don’t understand what you mean.”

“You and Aqua,” Riku said, gesturing vaguely in the direction Aqua was last in.

Terra arched an eyebrow. “Are you spying on me, kiddo?”

“No, no, nothing like that,” Riku said, leaning over to fix the next shelf down. “More like it’s so obvious everyone’s been talking about it.”

Terra froze. “Talking about what?”

“That you guys actually get along now. Some have, ah, interesting theories.”

“People like Lea and Kairi, I’ll guess?”

Riku snorted and that was enough of an answer. “It’s just you guys used to fight-flirt a lot, like we all couldn’t tell if you hated each other or liked each other but now you guys…I don’t know, seem happy?”

Terra decided he’d ignore the fact the employees apparently talked about his and Aqua’s relationship dynamics (and referred to it as flirting none the less). “Huh, I mean nothing really changed.”

“I don’t think that’s true. Something changed somewhere.” Riku crouched down but looked up towards Terra. “Don’t get me wrong, it’s a good thing, I don’t think I’ve ever seen either of you smile so much especially around this time of the year when you’re stuck at work. Whatever it is, I’m glad to see you happy.”

Terra knew something changed in himself, and maybe because of his attitude change, it made Aqua feel better about him but he didn’t think it was that apparent to everyone else. “Well, thanks I guess but nothing’s really changed. I guess we just learned how to work with each other.”

Riku made some sort of noise of acknowledgement but otherwise went back to straightening the books. Terra tried to do the same but he couldn’t focus on what went where. He couldn’t see or hear Aqua but he was so aware of her presence. There was no going back for him now, not when he knew it was her. He knew why she made him happy but the disappointment she’d feel knowing he was the person she was waiting to hear back from was enough to make him look back to his job.

He knew he had to tell her, lying to her only made him feel worse every day. It would both ruin the relationship they had, and the one that was only just growing but he had to make it right to her. She deserved that and so much more.

Dear Bytheseaside,

I’m not sure I have words to apologize to you. I could sit here and make excuses all day long but the truth is I have none. I’m the one who chickened out and in the end couldn’t face you. There was nothing you did wrong; I can assure you of that. I’m not quite as outgoing as I may come across and the thought of facing you made me turn away. Then in turn, the thought of facing you in shame of what I’ve done got me delaying in telling you what happened.

I wouldn’t blame you if you didn’t trust me to meet again but I still would like to make it up to you. The large Christmas tree in the center of West Town Mall, it’s beautiful you know? I know how much you love Christmas (and hate the cold so this is inside). If you have time maybe the day before Christmas Eve, I’ll wait for you there. I know you typically work nights so after closing. I wouldn’t blame you if you didn’t want to show up, but this time I promise I’ll be there. I can’t promise I’ll wear bells in my hair, but I think you’ll know me when you see me.

Aqua couldn’t get the nervous buzz out of the pit of her stomach, which meant it was probably bad to be walking back into the store with more coffee for herself, but she couldn’t help it. She balanced the tray and a couple bags of food past some customers who were digging through the bargain bin, more running to grab last minute presents all around her. Thankfully she made it to the backroom without anyone running into her and spilling either coffee cup.

Terra was already sitting at the table, fiddling with his phone. She smiled as the door swung behind her; at least the nice thing about working the day before Christmas Eve was the boss was here all day and she could take her break at the same time as him tonight.

“Ta-da,” she said, placing the tray down on the table. “Surprise caffeine.”

“Bless you,” he said, leaving his phone on the table. “But you seriously didn’t have to get me anything, Aqua.”

“It was nothing.” She waved him off before reaching for one so she could read the markings. “I figured you were as dead on your feet as I was.”

“You’re right there.”

“Just today and tomorrow,” she said, handing him the one marked with nothing but coffee in it. “Then a day off.”

“Yeah, until we have to come back for all the after-Christmas sales.” He took the coffee from her, but his fingers were warmer than she expected, making her jump just a little when they brushed against her hand.

“Optimism, Terra, c’mon now.” Aqua sat down in the chair across from him, thankful to not be on her feet even for a little bit. She brought the warm coffee up to her lips, hoping it would help her lingering exhaustion.

He snorted but he didn’t say anything else as he sipped carefully at his own drink.

“Oh, here, this too.” Aqua grabbed one of the food bags to peek into it before sliding it over to him.

He choked slightly, probably out of surprise. “You’re too much. You know you don’t have to make sure I eat, right?”

She hummed, grabbing her own bag before leaning back again. “I don’t know, you look like someone who would forget to eat.”

It was the strangest thing. Where she once didn’t even like having to share the same space as him, she found herself standing at the café in the mall wondering what Terra would like off the menu. She admittedly didn’t know and had to guess completely, but so far he was drinking the black coffee with no complaints as he peeked into the bag curiously.

“It was the least sweet thing I could find,” she explained, pulling out her own pastry which she made sure was the polar opposite.

It was like the thought surprised him as he looked back up to her.

“Why are you looking at me like that?” she chuckled, pulling off a piece of her pastry to pop in her mouth. “It’s the holidays, there’s been cookies and pies and cakes galore back here and you’ve never touched any of them. I figured you didn’t really like sweets too much.”

“Ah, well, you’re right,” he said, placing the pastry on top of the bag, a sort of smile on his lips. “Thank you for thinking of me.”

“Of course, we have to survive all this madness together.”

He hummed in response, leaning back in his chair as he carefully ate the pastry she brought him.

Aqua wasn’t quite sure how it happened. She didn’t know how she went from trying to ignore him as best she could at work to actually looking to see if his name was on the schedule with her. Almost just as surprising was the disappointment she felt when they were scheduled separate. Was he always this sweet and kind and she just never saw it? Did she ever give him the chance to understand he just operated on a different level than she did?

She didn’t know. All she knew was she regretted the way she treated him before. Ever since he brought her food when she was sick, she couldn’t get him out of her head. Even going so far as to having the desire to text him for no reason other than she wished she could see him more than just at work when they were so busy and never really got a chance to say much. She did stop trying to always take control of things, knowing that no matter what he was doing he’d do it to the best of his abilities, even if it was a much quieter way than she’d do it. She actually found his presence with her more comforting than anything, knowing he’d be there if she needed it. Aqua didn’t know why, because she didn’t deserve it in the least but it was a nice thing.

Also a very conflicting thing as she was supposed to meet the person she had been talking to for months again tonight.

“Something on your mind?” he asked.

Aqua blinked as she remembered she was still sitting at the table staring down at her food. His was already gone, just crumbs remaining as he went back to his drink. “Ah, nothing important,” she said, reaching to pick at her pastry.

Terra tipped his cup to his lips, gesturing with his hand for her to continue. Did she mention how easy it was to talk to him, too? For all the bickering they used to do, she found conversation with him so easily. He was quiet but always attentive, like nothing she said ever bored him. Why did they used to fight so much? Aqua couldn’t even begin to remember.

“I’m well, I’m supposed to meet that guy again tonight.” The nerves tightened in her stomach just at the thought, making her otherwise delicious food seem unappealing.

Terra arched his eyebrows. “Is that a bad thing?”

“I don’t know,” she groaned, her head falling backwards some.

“Did he at least apologize to you?”

She nodded. “Yeah, he didn’t really tell me what happened other than it was on him, and that he wanted to try for a second chance.”

“Do you think he deserves it?”

“Everyone deserves a second chance,” Aqua said, maybe a little too quickly judging by the way her heart leapt up into her throat with Terra’s eyes on her. “I just…I don’t know.”

Terra leaned forward, placing his cup on the table. “In the end it’s up to you. You seemed really upset when he stood you up last time. You have every right not to want to put yourself through that again.”

She hesitated. “Do you think I should go?”

“It’s not my choice to make,” he laughed lightly. “It’s up to you and how you feel. If you still feel like you want to meet this person then go, if you don’t feel like you can trust them after what happened then don’t. Don’t ever feel forced to do something just because you think it’s what other people want.”

Did she still want to? She knew there was a part of her that did, who wanted to meet the person she had so many wonderful conversations with, who made her feel light and warm, happy even when she otherwise might not’ve felt those things. Yet, there was another part of her who was aware there was a person sitting in this room who also had the ability to make her feel that way, who took care of her when he absolutely didn’t have to, who kept the kids at the store out of trouble because he knew they meant well, who did anything without a complaint.

“You’re right,” she said, bringing her coffee back up to her lips. Their break would be over in any second, and she’d have to go back to work and try to not be distracted…by a lot of things.

Terra seemed accepting enough with her answer as he leaned back in his chair. Granted that didn’t last too long as the door swung open.

Xion had her head popped in. “Boss said break’s up, sorry, guys.”

“It’s fine, be right there,” Aqua said, moving to shove the rest of her pastry in her mouth (that absolutely got a chuckle from Terra). She grabbed her coffee to take with her as she stood; she was hiding it behind the counter, they could pry it from her cold, dead hands.

“Hey, Aqua?”

She paused, turning back to Terra who was standing but not really making any other move to leave. “Yeah, what’s up?”

He looked a little unsure, and for a moment she thought he was going to tell her not to go (or hoped? She wasn’t quite sure). “I’m sorry, about how I’ve treated you in the past. It was, ah, really wrong of me.”

Despite the fact she was about to head back to the floor on one of the busiest nights of the year, she couldn’t hold back her smile at his sweet sentiment. “You don’t have to apologize, Terra. I wasn’t always very kind either, so I’m sorry about that.” She paused for a moment, well aware Xion was probably about to stick her head back in to get them moving. “I’m glad it’s not like that anymore though.”

“Me too.”

Aqua barely had time to register the sort of sweet smile on his lips as she pulled open the door, her head instantly filled with Christmas music and the noise that came with a packed store. She did think about how well his smile fit his face, how sincere he was in a simple apology as she bustled around trying to assist where she could and keep the customers happy. It really didn’t help her choice she had to make, it only made it even harder.

In the end, once the store was cleaned and closed up, she bid farewell to her coworkers and walked down the nearby stairs to the first floor of the mall. She could’ve gone to her car and left, but at the same time she couldn’t abide having him feel the same way she did just the week before. Aqua wasn’t sure what she’d say or what she’d do, if she even felt the same way she did before but in the very least he was her friend and he deserved to be treated with respect.

The tree was so big it reached the second floor of the mall, all filled with garland, ornaments, lights, and bows. It really was beautiful. Usually it was filled with lines of kids coming to see Santa but now it was empty, the lights twinkling and soft music playing over the radio. No one else was there, and she tried not to feel the familiar sink of disappointment.

Aqua moved to walk around the tree, to see if anyone else was waiting around the other side. No one, not even lingering mall shoppers, everyone was gone already. She sighed, reaching to her pocket for her phone to see how long she should wait before leaving this endeavor too. She stopped short when she heard footsteps in her direction.

Her heart was in her throat when she looked up but it really didn’t clear anything up. “Terra?” she asked, as he continued to walk up to her. “Did you forget something?”

He had his hands in his jacket pockets, his shoulders hunched slightly. He had keys so she wasn’t sure why he’d need her if he forgot something in the store but still he didn’t stop till he was standing in front of her. The look on his face was a little unreadable, but he looked more nervous than anything.

It was that moment Aqua realized while she told Terra she was supposed to meet her friend tonight, she never actually said where.

“I know I said you’d know me when you saw me,” he said, reaching a hand up to the back of his neck. “But I realized you never did before, so I suppose I probably should’ve brought bells or something.”

Aqua felt her purse fall off her shoulder but she made no move to get it, she could only bring her fingers up to her mouth as she stared at him. It made sense; it made way too much sense for her to have never seen it before. Everything she knew about her friend she knew in Terra too, right down to how gentle and caring she always thought him to be.

“I’m sorry for lying to you,” he said. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you that night either. I just…didn’t want you to feel disappointed that in the end it was me.”

“Terra,” she choked. The emotions swirling through her made tears pricked her eyes in a wave of relief that she didn’t even know she was looking for till he was standing there; that the person she looked forward to seeing at work was the same person she waited for each message from. “I couldn’t…I wanted it to be you.”

He didn’t seem to be expecting that, nor did she expect to put her hands on his face, bringing herself up to press her lips to his. Terra recovered from his surprise enough to reach a hand to her face, the other to her back, pulling her in.

She heard the Christmas music playing lightly, the smell of pine and cinnamon, the lights behind her eyes but mostly she felt the familiar warmth he brought her, his gentle hands against her as he kissed her back. For the first time since she met him, both at work and through their messages, everything just felt simply right.

#terraqua #kingdom hearts #terra #aqua #kingdom hearts fanfic #my fics:kh #tobewithyou #modernaukh #ITS A CHRISTMAS FIC I PROMISE LOL

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kidchameleon92 · 5 years

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“life story” 1

i’m not going to edit this at all going along. typos, bad grammar, mistakes. doesn’t matter. this is spontaneous thought.

disclaimer: i changed the word to “spontaneous” from “spurious” which means something completely different, so the first paragraph is already a lie.

anyway, it’s been a really weird and sort of bad couple months for me. mostly in my state of mind. i feel very stuck and very immobile when it comes to my art and career. and that is having a very negative effect on my brain. even though i’m putting out my favorite songs i’ve ever written. i’ve been meaning to write for awhile. i used to post when i lived in los angeles several years ago, just journaling my day to day life. but i haven’t for awhile. i guess i also used to write in a notebook while on different tours. but i think i’ve since thrown that away or hidden it somewhere.

point is: i just want to write to get things off my mind. and hopefully, maybe, it’ll help you (if you care to) get to know me a little more and on a more personal level. even if we haven’t met. and maybe it’ll make what i make (if you care about it) mean more to you. either way, mostly, i just want to rant a bit. so, this is my life’s story. i guess.

chapter 1: kid

i was born in a suburb of the twin cities in minnesota. my parents both grew up in minnesota and lived there their whole lives (until my mom recently moved to tennessee). my mom was a mortician, and my dad was an accountant. also an alcoholic. he cheated on her and left her and i when i was one year old. i remember growing up going to stay with him on weekends, except it was with him and his girlfriend at the time. except he was drunk a lot. and would drive drunk with me (a baby) in the car. so, that’s cool. anyway, my mom was really depressed, and that was not a good time (or so i’ve heard, because i was a baby, so idk).

i stayed with my grandparents a lot, because my mom worked full time. my maternal grandparents lived on a ton of land. my grandpa and i would ride motorcycles and four wheelers and sleep in a treehouse and all that. my other grandparents lived in the same town but in a small house. i used to go up to their cabin during the summer and go fishing and swimming and boating and all that. different g-parent vibes, but loved both a lot.

anyway, when i was three, my mom married my step-dad. he is from india and has had a lot of unique and challenging experiences, so that certainly brought a lot of particular lessons and outlooks into my life. i went there once when i was about 14. it was wild. but so, yeah. that kinda solidified my family unit. my dad got remarried later on as well. but the older i got, i saw him less and less.

so ... i loved video games. i played them all the time. a big part of my childhood. mostly nintendo. explains a lot. as a kid in school (4 years public, 3 years private, 1 year home, 3 years private, 1 year PSEO [look it up]), i was never popular whatsoever. i always wanted to gain some sort of acclaim or attention from my classmates, but was pretty much always looked down on for one reason or another. i remember in elementary school, i was the kid who was literally terrified of storms. probably because i had been in a tornado when i was six. but the moment it would thunder, all the kids would look at me to see if i was gonna cry. usually, i did. and the school nurse would take me outside and we’d walk around as a sort of therapy. i guess it helped sorta. i still get nervous in storms. but i don’t cry.

i also remember a time specifically that i got made fun of for wearing a denver broncos t-shirt. this kid just railed on me because it wasn’t a minnesota vikings shirt. so, one: i don’t even give a fuck about sports. but two: it stuck with me for some reason that someone would be a massive jerk over a t-shirt of a sports team. i guess that’s just because we as humans are messed up things.

anyway, in middle school, i started becoming semi-interested in music. i listened to the radio every night, listening to the top 10 countdown of big songs from that week. kanye, weezer, the click five, black eyes peas, green day. those were some anyway. besides that, i was just listening to like kelly clarkson and relient k or something. my mom had a steven curtis chapman cd in her van i thought went hard. but i started getting into popular music around then. i also started to write my own music. i used to take piano lessons from when i was like six or seven until i was 14 or so. but after i started writing my own songs, i hated practicing assigned pieces. i didn’t care. i wanted to play my own. so, the teacher said if i quit, i couldn’t be her student again. so i did. that’s fine. she said i was her most talented student. but i didn’t work that hard. so, that goes to show that natural talent and hard work have different roles, i suppose.

chapter 2: girls and high school and such

in high school, i started LiKiNg gIrLs and stuff. i also was still not very popular. i also had started a band (with jack). i wasn’t very good, but i was just as obsessed with it as i am now. anyway, i liked this one girl from my church, and we talked all the time. but because we grew up in a pretty fundamental church culture, we weren’t allowed to date. which honestly, i fine, because looking back, no one knows what they are doing at 16 really. i definitely didn’t. i still don’t know what i’m doing. anyway ...

so, this girl and i half-dated for a couple years, and i was really clingy and annoying. but that’s just how i be. and i thought i was gonna marry her and stuff, because in a fundamental church context, you over spiritualize everything.

[[disclaimer: i am a christian, and i still go to church, but my theology and ideology on a lot of things has just evolved and changed a lot since i was young and since leaving the ultra-americanized/ultra-fundamental “christian” realm. main point being: we all are effed up bro and need saving. i’m an idiot always!]]

but now we’re back. girl “dumped” me and started dating another guy named “patrick” right after, even though she technically wasn’t allowed to date until she was 18. but apparently, she just wasn’t allowed to date me. so, that was cool. anyway, i was angsty, but then i got over it. because i was 17, so life big time goes on.

then i met another girl from canada while i was finishing school and going hard at my band stuff. we hit it off, and i started visiting her up there. and she visited me and all that. it was cool. and then all of a sudden, she really started hating me. and to be fair, i was weird and clingy and sort of a lot to deal with. but we kept dating. all the while, i was sort of leaving behind music to try to get into nursing school. yep, nursing school. but i got rejected, which is great. and so, i decided to go to audio engineering school in canada. and she was gonna go to college in the same city. this is great! so i thought. she dumped me (well, i sort of broke up with myself for her) about a month after we were living in the same city. wack. but it made me buckle down and work my ass off in school. i was top of my class one semester. yeah, i’m not that dumb. sometimes.

towards the spring of the next year, i happened to meet a girl who was at my church with one of my friends. she seemed chill. just talked a little. nothing crazy. happened to hit her up on twitter just to say hi. no intention. we talked a bit. nothing after that. then all of a sudden, a couple months later, i was tweeting about reading harry potter for the first time (note: fundamental upbringing). she happened to tweet me back about it. and long story short, we went out on a date. a sort-of-date. and what was supposed to be a lunch turned into an all day and half the night date. anyway, we got married a year later. after a lot of immigration paperwork and expenses. that’s a whole other post. that sucked. it’s a lot. and it’s why i feel bad for people who have nothing who are trying to come here to flee danger in their own countries. again, another post.

chapter 3: married, and other hard things

so, i forgot to say that before we got married, i lived in los angeles for a year after school. i was doing more sound for film work. on set stuff, post-production. got to do work with like ... james franco, matt damon, emma roberts, william shatner. some cool stuff. but jack’s old band came through on tour, and i saw two shows. and i was like ... bruh. i gotta do music, what am i doing? so, i literally moved back to minnesota within like two weeks, worked as a nursing assistant for a little bit and got married. then moved to nashville like two weeks later. i guess i could’ve stayed in los angeles. but nashville felt like the move at the time. everything happens with a purpose.

so, we moved here, and she couldn’t work for three months because of immigration stuff. so, i was like, well, guess i need a job. so, i got a job managing a home for a couple people with intellectual disabilities. it was super hard. mostly because the company was really, really bad. so, i got another job working as a staffing coordinator in an office for a home health care agency. that was a little better. still tough. but less overwhelming. a couple months after i got that job, i got an offer to go on a country tour playing bass for someone. and i was like ... well, this is why i moved here. so, i quit and went on tour. and shawna actually took my old job. interesting.

i was gone for three weeks, and it sucked and the pay was bad, but at least i was doing what i wanted. but then i got an offer from my friend to do some tech work on a much bigger country gig. i hadn’t done it before, but it was better pay and a better position. and on a bus and nice things and all that. so, i went for it. i pissed the other girl i was playing for off. but that’s show biz, baby. but like, i found a replacement for myself and paid to fly him out to her shows and stuff. so, really she won.

anyway, i toured with this other artist for four years. and i learned a lot. it was very, very challenging, both mentally and physically. and some people are just hard to work with. but i still gained so much valuable experience and insight into touring from that. i also started playing guitar for another artist who was small at the time, but has now had a couple number one hits. but his label fired me because i didn’t look country enough. we’re still homies though, so it’s literally fine. because i do indeed not look country enough.

at the same time, i was doing my own solo music and also producing and writing with and for other people. i’ve had the opportunity to write and produce for everything from independent artists to major label to billboard charting albums to whatever. songs on major television networks. i’m still very un-rich though, if that tells you anything.

but really, i just wanted to do my own music. and i literally couldn’t get it to go anywhere. i had no idea what the “secret” was. what was i missing? money? connection? power? actually probably all of that, to be honest. this industry is wacko. i was pretty close to giving up.

chapter 4: milkk

i read a satirical article on vice.com about “how to start a trendy band” or something. i thought it was funny. so, i called jack. he had just been kicked out of his old band for no reason. i was like, “bruh, let’s do this article.” and he was like, ok. so, we sort of did. and i’m not gonna go into all the early details, because i’ve done a million press interviews about how our band started. and i don’t wanna say it again. google it.

this was the first time that i actually saw people care about my music. it was a high. it was like a dream. and we hadn’t even had any big song or anything. just the fact that people were listening and engaging was mind blowing to me. but just like with anything, the more things went, the less i found satisfying. the more “likes” or “follows” on socials didn’t feel like enough anymore. the streams didn’t seem good enough. the chart positions on the debut album didn’t seem that great. the hype wore off a little after the debut album hype. and that made me insane. probably because we as humans are not built to be satisfied by the things in our life. “Vanity of vanities!” it’s in ecclesiastes. like the bible one.

chapter 5: now

anyway, that’s bad. i had (and have) let my mind convince me that i have to achieve something in order to be happy or fulfilled, when i know that that stuff will never fulfill me. i could play the biggest stadium and have the biggest song in history, but after a burst of dopamine and excitement, it would be empty. and i know that nothing here will do that. at least, that’s what i believe. my hope is outside of myself.

but that’s hard to internalize when you are so passionate about something, and have been for so long, and all you want to do is create things for other people that they can appreciate and be influenced by. but it’s probably also selfish. like i openly admit i like the idea of fame and presence. and it probably ties all the way back to wanting acknowledgement and attention as a kid, from being unpopular and ridiculed and, honestly, left by my dad. maybe i just therapied myself.

but regardless, i know i can’t put my identity in all this stuff. it’s hard, and it’s harder when you create stuff. because it’s so deeply tied to you. but it’s still not “who i am.” i know who i am and what i believe, but i’m still a mess, so i can’t enact that in my brain perfectly. in fact, far from it.

anyway. it’s late, and i’m going to post this and attempt to not worry about how it does on social media. stupid!!! i just want this out in the world for you to read. hopefully it’s helpful for you in some way. but mostly, it was just cool to write this out, for my own sake.

i’ve been blessed in some amazing ways. my family. oh, yeah i forgot that i have two kids. i love them a lot. i don’t talk about them on social media much. but they are very special to me. and we’ve always been taken care of, even when times were tight or i didn’t know when the next paycheck was coming in or i thought my wife was about to die or whatever. the Lord provided for us every time. and i am grateful to have what career i have. it may be “small” and nothing to look at by the big industry standards, but i believe in what i make so much, and i’m just grateful that anyone cares about it at all. and i will continue to do so until the day i die. because i have to.

it’s what i was born to do, for better or worse. and no one can tell me otherwise.

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talix18 · 5 years

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F**k Fifty - a work in progress November 1

Fuck Fifty

To say I’ve been in a spiral since my birthday is both over and understating the point. Over, since I’ve managed to show up for my various life commitments in the ten months since, but under in that I started anticipating the spiral some 18 months before the actual date. I felt exactly the same when I woke up on my birthday as I had the day before; both blessing and curse, as I’m a recovering drug addict and have been living with depression as far back as I can remember.

And I’m not one of those “lost the desire to use” addicts. Left alone with myself, I would use almost any substance on almost any day. In the 23+ years I’ve gone without pot and alcohol (my drugs of choice), I’ve used food, sleeping, shopping, food, witchcraft, psychiatry, and the actual 12 Steps to keep from putting a preferred drug in me. (Did I mention food?) Not men, as that would require putting myself in situations where I might meet someone I’d find attractive. And not sex, as that always backfires spectacularly and leaves me feeling worse. And certainly not gambling, as I have no illusions that any gender of luck would be ever on my side.

As for depression, where do I start? I *wish* psych meds were happy pills – I have to be medicated to actually feel depressed. It’s all very well and good to have tools like exercise and therapy and meditation and social activity to avoid getting stuck in my self; none of these tools are worth a damn if I can’t reach them. Medication is supposed to lift me up enough to reach the toolbox.

I say “supposed to” because lately it hasn’t. I’ve been on the same cocktail of drugs for over a decade (Wellbutrin and Cymbalta, generics obvs) and, since my birthday, my moods have been consistently worse. I talked about it with my doctor and we switched the Cymbalta to Prozac (generic, obvs), but after a week of “OMG I feel actually capable of doing things again”, I’ve been In It.

“It” being the hole, the funk, the cloud, the whatever it is you want to call the place where I believe all of the horrible things my head tells me about myself. That I’m not worthy of love, that no one wants to be around someone who has to work so hard just to show up for life, that there’s nothing anyone could do anyway. That the past 23 years have been a waste since I have nothing to show for them. That past behavior is the best prediction of future behavior, so I have at best less than another 50 years to continue to be worthless.

So I’m writing. I was a writer in school – both creative and journalism. I got a creative writing (partial) scholarship to college - $1000 a year, which meant something back when I went to a state school for in-state tuition. (My first semester of full-time was $800. It was a different world then.) I never had characters in my head demanding to be heard – unless you count myself. I’ve been journaling, Live Journaling, Word Press blogging, and Tumblring my whole life. I’ve kept everything I’ve written – the journals and the notebooks I kept for my creative writing classes. One drunk evening I swore to a City Paper editor (a friend of mine was their book reviewer) that I wasn’t just another one of those drunken people who swore they were going to submit something for publication. I doubt he’d still be waiting, even if the City Paper was still a thing (Google break: It lasted until 2017? Where they hell have I been?)

I suspect the only reason I’m writing now is a combination of NaNoWriMo, an amazing collection of nerdy Facebook friends, and the fact that I’m supposed to be looking for a new psychiatrist. (The practice I go to has moved ten minutes [one way] further away, my psychiatrist has stopped taking insurance, my good government insurance won’t reimburse me even at the out-of-network rate because his status with them is in some kind of limbo and they say I’m “not responsible” for the charges.) The only way I’ve been able to get anything accomplished is by avoiding something I want to do even less. (I only cleaned my car when I was supposed to be studying for exams.) Well, and shame. I also cleaned my car when I told people they could ride in the backseat. I always clean the bathroom when Mom is coming to take care of my cats. Heaven forfend you people should know how I live.

Yet here I am, again, insistent that someone out there needs to know how I live. Maybe you’re a single, child-free formerly gifted student looking around at your life and wondering where you messed up. Maybe you’re a recovering addict living with a mental illness that makes it impossible to know whether you aren’t working the program hard enough or you’re just not eligible for “happy, joyous, and free.” Maybe Eeyore and Oscar the Grouch were the representation that assured you that you do exist in the world.

I’m certainly not the first to carry this message and nowhere near the best – my most recent moment of clarity came thanks to Bojack Horseman. (Netflix, animated series, it’s not for everyone but if it’s for you, you’re welcome.) Which is also what gave me permission to write something down. It turns out that maybe the past 23 years weren’t all for nothing – what’s more, they weren’t even all about me. Which is a burning bush revelation to this person, who couldn’t be more self-absorbed.

Okay, I’ve been doing this long enough – I’ve started editing, which is no way to inflate one’s word count. But I’m still a few hundred words short of my daily goal (50,000/30 = 1,666.6667 crap, I’m even shorter than I thought, but hey, a thousand’s not bad for one’s first day of forced writing, right?) I know it takes a certain number of words just to write out all the crap that’s sitting on top of the good stuff and the only way out is through.

#f**k fifty #nanowrimo

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stormyniqhts-blog · 5 years

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hey, guys!! i’m sora and i’m happy to be here. i just want to start off by talking a bit about myself. such as having a love for anime, disney movies, doggos, and uhh, i’m also recently binge watching stranger things s3. anyway, this will be a super mega intro post as i’ll be putting all my charas into one intro, so here’s info on julie tran, layla evans, frankie sullivan, and dylan grayson!!

edit: i also have a general plots page, but i’m open to anything outside of it!

if you want to go through a specific chara, all you have to do is ctrl+f and type “--chara name”

--JULIE TRAN

* lana condor. twenty-three. female. she/her. | did you see julie tran this morning on main street? i heard they were heading towards the protests. they’ve been in ballard for all her life and last time i spoke to them, they were a sales associate. if i remember correctly, they’re a scorpio and they remind me of colorful striped tops, lazy sundays, sunbathing probably because they’re sociable and prim.

about

things seemed like a picture perfect image for the girl when she was young. she helped her family with chores, worked hard in elementary and middle school classes, etc. however, by the time high school rolled around, her relationship with her parents weren’t exactly the same. she realized her dream of becoming a fashion designer, which they didn’t approve on due to how they wanted their daughter to work in the medical field.

at first, she agreed on dropping the dream and went on with doing well in her classes. except, she never gave up on her dream. when she finally graduated high school, she moved out of her parents’ place with saved up money and hardly talked to them since then. she felt guilty for not being who they wanted her to be, but being away felt better than trying to be someone she didn’t picture herself as.

soon, her parents decided to move away too and the relationship between her and them became more estranged. now, she’s in the process of improving her designs while working as a sales associate.

tl;dr basically a girl who wants to be a fashion designer someday and has an estranged relationship with her parents.

details

character aesthetic + inspo

disgust (inside out), wendy darling (peter pan), tori vega (victorious), lara jean covey (to all the boys i’ve loved before), jane sloan (the bold type), lady (lady & the tramp), mabel pines (gravity falls), cher horowitz (clueless).

traits

insecure, loyal, motherly, organized, passive, picky, prim, self-righteous, sociable.

personality

she’s basically a mom friend. anything you’ll need, she’ll more than likely have it. she’s also always there for her loved ones no matter what, whether it’s early in the morning or late at night.

she tends to think of her friends and others before herself. adding onto this, she tends to not say no to others because of how helpful she wants to be, so at times, she’ll feel overwhelmed or exhausted.

the reason why insecure is added is because she feels as if she’s quite bland. that there’s really no unique trait about her. sure, she cares about others, but she feels there are so many people in the world that are also caring and it’s not exactly something different.

julie can also be quite self-righteous because she thinks she knows what’s best for people and just doesn’t realize she may bring harm.

aesthetics

colorful striped tops, lazy sundays, sunbathing, single-colored sunglasses, ponytails with ribbons, white blouses with collars, cup of tea, clothes organized by color.

style

she’s known to wear black mary janes, neutral colors or single-colored outfits, and is usually seen wearing blouses with skirts or dresses. once in a while, she’ll wear a patterned top or bottoms.

headcanons

she’ll always have necessary things in her bag. such as snacks, band-aids, tylenol, tissues, etc.

as she dreams of being a fashion designer, she has sketchbooks filled with clothing designs.

she has a small orange kitten named oliver (because of oliver & company)

--LAYLA EVANS

* danielle campbell. twenty-eight. cis female. she/her. | did you see layla evans this morning on main street? i heard they weren’t heading towards the protests. they’ve been in ballard for all her life and last time i spoke to them, they were a worker at twice new and housekeeper at horizon suites. if i remember correctly, they’re a leo and they remind me of matching lace bras & thongs, waves crashing against the shore, piggyback rides probably because they’re adventurous and stubborn.

about (tw: mentions of death & abuse)

one would think she’s the happiest girl alive with her parents. they would spend a lot of time together, watch layla during her ballet recitals, and eat dinner at the dining table every night. things were immediately different the moment her dad passed away when she was nine years old. since then, her mom began ignoring her because of how much the girl reminded her of her husband. layla learned to take care of herself soon enough.

things were spiraling down from there. once she was in middle school, she started rebelling and causing trouble. she destroyed properties, stole from stores, etc. when she became a high schooler, she started failing classes and took summer school, partied almost every night, drank a lot, and almost got expelled. the only reason she didn’t was because her advisers and teachers gave her a second chance to improve. she ended up taking it. by her junior year, her behavior was improving gradually and worked harder at bringing up her gpa. the reason why she took the second chance was because of her dream to be a best-selling author and to go to college. which she was accepted into.

nonetheless, she may not be a writer at the moment, that doesn’t mean she plans to forget her dream. she just wants to use up more time to improve on her writing. she’s talked to multiple publishers and is just continuing to grow for now.

tl;dr she’s had a rough past and just wants to be a best-selling author.

details

character aesthetics + inspo

n/a

traits

adventurous, childish, impulsive, obstinate, promiscuous, valiant, vulgar

personality

layla’s very outgoing and sociable. she loves hanging out with people, whether it’s going to a party, drinking, going out for food, road trips, or just having a simple picnic or laying on the ground to look at stars. she’s just always looking to have fun and definitely a party animal. almost any party you see, she’ll be there.

she also stands up for those who are close to her heart and can be reliable as she’s there for them no matter what.

nonetheless, once in awhile she’ll get an idea and quickly act on it. and even though she can be wrong at times, it does take her a moment to admit it.

aesthetics

a journal full of words, matching lace bras & thongs, waves crashing against the shore, piggyback rides, the comfort of someone being there, wanting to hear the words ‘i’m proud of you’, hands gripping bed sheets, police sirens, worn out ballet shoes.

style

basically her fashion consists of all kinds of shorts (mainly booty shorts and ripped ones), crop tops, oversized hoodies and shirts, spandex shorts, tops that show off cleavage, fishnets, and occasionally skirts + denim, ripped jeans.

she has a few very nice dresses too.

headcanons

she has this tattoo on the back of her left arm and this tattoo in the same area.

she’s bisexual and proud of it.

other labels that can define her: the dirtbag, the halcyon.

one of her most prized possessions is a necklace her dad gave her.

--FRANKIE SULLIVAN

* chloe bennet. thirty-one. cis female. she/her. | did you see frankie sullivan this morning on main street? i heard they weren’t heading towards the protests. they’ve been in ballard for 2 months and last time i spoke to them, they were a ceo of a florist company. if i remember correctly, they’re a virgo and they remind me of a hot cup of starbucks coffee, plants scattered throughout the bedroom, reading alone in a library probably because they’re generous and reserved.

about

a girl who was born in las vegas, nv. she had wonderful parents that divorced when she was fourteen. however, she didn’t mind it at all. she was happy as long as they were. plus, she wanted a bigger family, so if they were going to remarry to other people, she was oddly okay with it too. mainly because of how she always wanted a bigger family since she’s an only child. eventually, that was what happened. five years ago, her dad remarried and soon, frankie had a step-mom and step-sibling. at first, she cared about them due to how much family already meant to the girl, but as months became years, she soon grew suspicious over the relationship between her step-mom and dad.

years ago, she was betrayed by her closest friends and now has a cynical view because she wasn’t able to forgive them. she was told multiple times to get over it, but couldn’t. she continued to wonder how people can be so close then do something harsh to another. it still astonishes her now and from that point on, she didn’t really let anyone into her life, thoughts, or feelings.

tl;dr one who prefers being with plants than people

details

character aesthetics + inspo

n/a

traits

adaptable, distant, generous, grouchy, reserved, responsible

personality

she tends to be pessimistic because of her past and doesn’t want history to repeat itself, so she tends to not get too close to others. she may have two or three friends, but that’s about it. plus, she can be quite rude and cold-hearted to push others away.

however, she’s also very giving when it comes to charities because with so much money, she still wants to be kind to others, especially those who are in need.

when things change in her life, however, she faces them head on and is just calm about it.

aesthetics

walk-in closets but wearing the same 5 outfits, walking through trails, smelling fresh air, having polaroids of flowers, black hair ties, not needing glasses but wearing them for fashion, stacks of books that were actually used and read, a hot cup of starbucks coffee, plants scattered throughout the bedroom, a person reading alone in a library, being the wallflower at a party

style

most of her style is denim and single-colored tops with a lot of neutral colors. she tends to leave her hair longer than her shoulders and mainly leaves it down, but will put it in a ponytail once in a while.

headcanons

can be labeled as the anthomaniac or the recluse.

she comes from old money from her dad and new money from her mom.

the idea of frankie was originally from wanting to play a flower child, but not in a stereotype way.

she owns a florist company, but wants to place a shop in ballard.

she has this tattoo on her side.

her whole apartment is filled with plants, real and fake.

she has an ex who cheated on her when they were dating.

frankie prefers to use her time indoors watching movies/tv shows, taking care of her plants, reading, or simply going on the internet.

if anything, she’s mainly the type to have a one night stand, but has kept only three or four friends with benefits all her life. and has one or two close friends.

--DYLAN GRAYSON

* rose park. twenty-four. cis female. she/her. | did you see dylan grayson this morning on main street? i heard they weren’t heading towards the protests. they’ve been in ballard for five months and last time i spoke to them, they were a voice actress & influencer. if i remember correctly, they’re an aries and they remind me of red lipstick, dealing with chaos behind doors, uploading youtube videos probably because they’re driven and shallow.

about

since she was a baby, she was already adopted by mr. and mrs. grayson, a well-known old money family. past generations owned a huge company for properties and built malls across the country. which didn’t seem like such a big deal to the girl growing up. all she cared about was belonging somewhere and being with a family. she was even happier to have grown up with siblings. even her biological parents hardly came to mind because she was happy where she was. however, the older she became, the more chaotic her family seemed. there would be scandals written in articles about her family, secrets being revealed, and it felt dramatic fights happened almost every week. nonetheless, it didn’t matter to the girl. she was extremely loyal to her parents and siblings. she swore she’d do anything for them.

for her childhood, she grew up in ballard and she’s loved the town deep down. she thought about how cute the place was and cherished everyone. a reason why when she left during the beginning of high school, she was quite sad for a while. soon enough, she got over it though. she attended a private school, made friends with multiple people, and eventually graduated. moving onto college, she went to nyu then later on received both bachelor’s and master’s in business. during her time in college, however, the town centre mall was already built and didn’t hear word of it at the moment. eventually, thinking she was mature enough and able to handle it herself, she was given the town centre mall as a gift at the age of twenty-four.

tl;dr she was adopted from a rich family, that she loves very much, and now owns the town centre mall

details

character aesthetics + inspo

the carringtons (dynasty 2017), fallon carrington (dynasty 2017), serena van der woodsen (gossip girl), stella (winx club)

traits

ambitious, cautious, driven, loyal, protective, shallow, materialistic

personality

she’s very determined and hard-working. when she wants something, she’ll do better than doing her best and work on getting it.

with being materialistic and shallow, she tends to think about appearance first. during her high school years, she

aesthetics

microphones, red lipstick, dealing with chaos behind doors, uploading youtube videos, studio booths, scripts, shopping bags with expensive brand names, diamond necklaces, family portraits

style

80% of the time, she’ll be seen wearing a dress or matching 2-piece outfits. the other 20% are filled with patterned tops, jeans, faux fur coats, and skirts. a bit less than half of the dresses she own are sparkly too. while her shoes are mainly high heels and knee boots. as for her hair, she mostly leaves it down. she’ll also be seen wearing jewelry everyday.

headcanons

the girl just loves to go shopping. she’ll take anyone to go shopping with.

the reason one of her occupations is voice actress is because during her summers in high school and college, she took up jobs in voice acting since she wanted to go out into the entertainment business for a while, but didn’t quite feel comfortable singing or acting for tv shows and movies. she just preferred being in a booth and saying lines.

as for influencer, it started during her high school years as she mainly gave fashion advice and worked on make-up tutorials.

#ballardintro

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nationallark · 5 years

Text

Blood From the Stone, an adaptation of Onision’s Stones to Abbigale, Chapter One [EDIT: now complete] 3k words

(AN: hi friends! I decided to go ahead and align chapter one of my rework with chapter one of STA, so here it is for you guys! from now on, I’ll be posting the full chapters on Tumblr and I’ll put links to my Wattpad and Ao3 in my About page!!)

I hope you enjoy :)

The moment I opened my eyes, I was blinded by my freshly wallpapered room. Several days into my latest drastic redecoration, even the cast iron bed frame was now painted white. Light peeking through a narrow opening in the curtains bounced off the walls, making me clamp my eyes shut. Clearly, changing my room back to wall-to-wall white was another in a long line of self-inflicted psychological tortures.

My family could tell that the black had depressed me. I found comfort in the darkness, but neither extreme was without fault. I didn’t mind waffling between light and dark bedrooms, as I had ample spray paint and plenty of time to kill, but for a moment the intense light show pouring through the bay window felt like it was burning clear through to my brain.

Mom, having switched to the overnight shift by mid June, didn’t wake me up like she used to. Then again, neither did my alarm clock. I rolled away from the window and squinted into its plastic face only to see a cheaply backlit 8:17 AM staring back at me.

Great, I was going to be late again.

Not taking the time to grab my usual handful of cereal, I scribbled an excuse note and pulled a sweater over my sleep shirt before hopping on my scooter and pointing it in the direction of the school. As soon as the cold wind began to sting my cheeks, I realized that I in my haste had forgotten a scarf. Oh well.

I narrowly missed crashing into a giggly Lauren and Raymond who, hand in hand, were heading away from the school and towards the old church, no doubt to smoke or make out or any number of activities Lakewood students tended to use the place for.

Mr. Hanson, my heavyset history teacher, gave me a withering look as I ducked into his room with only fifteen minutes left in first period.

“James, talk to me after class,” he said mildly from his perch in the back of the room. I dropped my note on his desk on my way over to one of the few empty seats, electing to try and absorb some of the day’s lesson from the ongoing group activity rather than sit outside and count ceiling tiles.

It didn’t take long, however, for my mind to wander from British colonialism to the fascinating small scale history being made around me. I watched as Calvin, one of the honor students who was gunning for valedictorian, explained the reasoning behind his answers while Jaime nodded along and Miranda half paid attention to him while also monitoring Mr. Hanson to know when it was safe to chew her gum. It was too early in the school year for anyone to be too stressed out over grades, so there was only a sense of resigned monotony among the students.

That is, until the bell rang.

Over the ensuing bustle, Mr. Hanson glanced up from his work and looked at me expectantly, but I could only smile and shrug as I allowed myself to be pushed into the hallway with everyone else. Sorry, Mr. Hanson; I had a more important class to get to.

My second period was all the way across campus, relegated to one of the ancient trailers that also held the ESL students, sign language class, and music appreciation. Sculpture I, being one of the easier options for making the required fine arts credit, was naturally full of slackers and people who, like me, weren’t talented enough in music or theater to take anything else.

My cross-campus trek was interrupted by dozens of students circled around what I could only assume to be a fight. Unfortunately, the fight just happened to be in the center of the hallway that was my only path to art class. I hunched my shoulders and slipped through the growing crowd, breaking into a jog as the minute bell rang. I normally wouldn’t bother with getting to class on time, but I made an exception for sculpture; sculpture was the class I had with Abbi.

Ever since I’d seen Abbi in second period on the first day of senior year, she was all I could think about. Every day she would sit at the left side of a shared desk, drop her bag on the left side of her chair, and, resting her elbows on the tabletop, pick at the fake wood grain desk cover with her pencil.

As I ascended the creaking steps into the trailer, there were more seats open than I expected, probably because their usual occupants were still observing the fight I’d managed to squeeze past. There Abbi was, however, in the same getup as usual: her dark, wavy hair bunching on top of the desk as she bent over it, her deep purple eyeshadow and tinted brows still visible through the fringe. She had on the army jacket I’d never seen her without, even during messier art projects that showed in the cuffs of its sleeves. Even in the harsh light of the trailer’s fluorescent bulbs, she looked fantastic.

I tried not to make it too obvious that I was rushing to sit next to her, so I forced myself to slow down and take a casual approach to the desk. Step. Wave to Mrs. Stanley. Step. Check out the newest student-made hangings above her seat. Three steps. Gently drop my bag onto the desk.

Finally, I pulled the metal desk chair out and plopped into it with a grin ready for Abbi to turn and look at me...which happened to be at the exact same moment my thighs registered how ungodly cold the A/C had made the chair. I hissed in shock and stood up to save myself from mild frostbite, pushing the chair away from me and tipping it backwards and onto the floor with a metallic crash. Having looked up from her handiwork in time to see everything go down, Abbi glanced mildly at the chair, then at me, and went back to work without even laughing at me. Freaking smooth, James.

I picked up the chair amid the laughter of the other sculpture students and the quiet concern of Mrs. Stanley and sat down once again, this time being careful to pull the stretchy fabric of my shorts down long enough to cover the metal seat. I aimed my smile back at Abbi, who, this time, didn’t look up.

I barely had time to be disappointed before the stragglers arrived clearly invigorated by the hallway fight, whooping and hollering before Mrs. Stanley told them to quiet down or she’d mark them as tardy. Once again I looked at Abbi, whose attention was held steadfast by the desk cover. Well, at least it wasn’t just me that couldn’t get her attention. At this, I felt a wave of relief.

The relief was cut short, however, when one of the stragglers named Jason joined us at the shared desk, taking the seat directly across from Abbi. His arrival and unceremonious dumping of his bag on the desktop earned him a brief look and a practiced readjustment of Abbi’s position so that he wouldn’t accidentally bump into her, and once again the relief flooded my system.

Now that everyone was in their seats, Mrs. Stanley, looking for all the world like a walking retirement party, officially began class by going over the previous day’s finished assignment, which itself was the culmination of our unit on color and texture. I myself had modeled my project after my then-black room with soft black silk and smooth painted wood and was given an A for my trouble.

The main topic of discussion, however, wasn’t our grades. It was the introductory project for the next unit: symbolism and storytelling. Mrs. Stanley began to hand out the rubrics for the project while she gave us the bad news: we were going to be working with partners.

No, no, no. Not okay, because with my luck, I’d be paired with bonehead Jason or asshole Alex who’d just gotten back from a stint in alternative school for exposing himself in the cafeteria last year. I struggled to pay attention as she continued to outline the project.

“To simplify things,” she said, still handing out papers, “you’re going to be paired with the person across from you.”

That rule meant I was paired with….oh, God. While I wasn’t looking, Alex had apparently drifted into class and sat in the one remaining seat, which just so happened to be next to Jason and across from me. This wasn’t happening.

I’d been there in the cafeteria last year when Alex exposed himself. I’d even seen it. I can’t say I was particularly impressed, but I guess I didn’t have very much data with which to compare. Regardless, I was uninterested in being stuck with this kid for God knows how long while trying to work with whatever drivel he’d come up with and pass of as ideas.

My musing was interrupted by a voice that said “Can I be paired with James?”

Hearing the rare appearance of Abbi’s somber voice made me smile despite myself, and I took a moment to apprecia--wait. That was my name that had come out of her mouth. She’d asked to be paired with me. I couldn’t blame her, really, as her other option was Jason, who was barely a notch above Alex in terms of competence.

Despite her annoyance at Abbi’s resistance of her rules, Mrs. Stanley appeared to take pity on the both of us and rearranged our partnerships to put Abbi and I together and sic Jason and Alex upon each other. Looking only a little hurt, Jason huffed and looked Alex up and down before shrugging and choosing not to make a stink about the arrangement.

As Mrs. Stanley continued, I tried to remind myself that Abbi was only working with me to avoid the more offensive option that was Jason. Still, I couldn’t help but feel a little giddy at the thought that Abbi would be talking directly to me and nobody else in second period for the next several days.

“For this project, you will each take something you own, and together, you will create something that brings new meaning to your possessions. In case you can’t tell, this is a project that’s going to render the items you bring useless for the future, so I wouldn’t suggest bringing a favorite shirt or expensive electronic. Today, you’ll work on deciding what you’ll bring and sketching out the final product.”

My mind was racing with ideas about what I could bring when I stopped to consider what Abbi might have to offer. What would she consider useful but okay to part with? Surely she had a spare makeup brush or two, with all the work she clearly put into doing her face day after day.

“What are you going to bring?”

I wished she’d say my name again. I’d always thought my name was so boring, but coming from Abbi, it was beautiful. Shit, gotta answer before I look like a weirdo.

“Uh, I don’t know…” Great.

“You could bring something to go in my hamster cage,” said Abbi.

“Did he die or something?” I winced, mentally berating myself. Great, just great. Bring up her dead hamster. That’ll make her have the hots for you.

“Never had one. Dad got the cage and forgot the hamster.”

“How do you forget a hamster? Was he high?” Abbi shrugged and looked away, and I took the opportunity to feel like a complete ass, first for bringing up her nonexistent dead hamster and then for asking about her maybe-stoned father. I wondered, briefly, how the species ever managed to repopulate if there were men like me walking around and completely turning women off.

Instead of shutting my mouth, I decided to try one more time to lift her spirits.

“Maybe I could, uh, bring that weird thing my mom keeps in her bedside table?”

Abbi snorted and, for a fleeting moment, gave me the most perfectly little crooked smile I’d ever seen on those plum-painted lips. And, by God, I was the one who put it there. I let slip an eye-crinklingly wide smile before composing myself into what I hoped was a sly grin. Abbi got ahold of herself too and opened her mouth, hopefully not to be too grossed out with me.

“Tell me you didn’t actually touch your mom’s--”

“Of course not!” I interrupted her. I didn’t know if I could stand to hear that combination of words aimed at me and not die from the resulting embarrassment. I laced my fingers together and stared down at my desk, willing my reddening cheeks to calm down.

Soon, the bell rang and dismissed us to third period, and I quickly stood up, grabbing my things and getting ready to run away from the social situation my big mouth had put me in. I was in such a hurry, in fact, that I almost missed Abbi calling my name from our desk.

I stopped short of the door and sidestepped the other students rushing back to the main school building. Having successfully grabbed my attention, Abbi reached into the scrap paper box and pulled out a white and gold speckled scrap of tissue paper.

“Here,” she said, scribbling something down on it. “gotta run; gym class.”

I felt for her; to get to the stadium for girls’ gym, she was going to have to cross the whole campus and wait for the crosswalk. But more importantly, she gave me a note! I scrambled to open it as I walked to class and discovered she’d written down a phone number. Her phone number? My eyes snapped upwards to the hallway, but Abbi was long gone.

For the rest of the school day, I was floating on air. Abbi had never once given me a second look, but now that we’d spoken some she wanted me to have her phone number! Did she want me to call her? I decided to play it safe and wait until I was home to do anything. I moved my phone case and gently pushed the note inside for safekeeping.

The final bell couldn’t have come soon enough. I picked up my scooter and ran to the bus in hopes of getting home as soon as possible, and Davis waved me over from a seat near the back. I joined him.

“Blow me off again this morning? I’m starting to get lonely,” Davis said with a theatrical sigh. I gave him my best eye roll in return while artfully cramming my scooter in one of the overhead storage areas. I sat down next to Davis and held my backpack in my lap.

“Alarm didn’t go off,” I said, gazing out the window at all the people milling around in the bus circle. Why wouldn’t they get out of the way? Didn’t they know I had something important to do?

“Whatcha’ looking at?” said Davis.

“Oh, nothing. Just wish these assholes would mo--”

And suddenly through the throng of students and teachers I saw Abbi perched on the hood of an old Sedan in the parking lot, looking bored out of her mind and utterly, utterly perfect. Without looking away I grabbed Davis’ sleeve and pulled him towards the window.

“See that girl? That’s Abbi.” I said.

Davis squinted at the parking lot. “The emo chick with the crappy car? That’s your dream girl?”

I smacked him on the shoulder and spoke, still unable to look away.

“She’s amazing. She’s artistic and good at carving, she always does her eyebrows perfectly, and she matches her makeup to the paint stains on her jacket cuffs.”

“Uh, okay. Why not wash the jacket?”

I was getting ready to reply when an unwelcome figure entered my field of vision. Seth, one of the assholes in my history class who liked to talk back to Mr. Hanson, walked up to Abbi and hugged her while she sat on the hood. And sure enough, those paint speckled cuffs wrapped around his waist and hugged right back.

I sat back in my seat and tried not to look as devastated I felt. Of course she had a boyfriend. How could a girl like that not have a boyfriend already? Besides, I didn’t have any right to be upset. Before today, I’d barely said ten words to her altogether. I opened my phone case and pulled out Abbi’s note. Why had she given me this, then?

When my stop came I rode my scooter the rest of the way home and dumped my backpack on the floor before flopping onto my bed. So, Abbi wasn’t trying to get me to ask her out. And she wasn’t asking me out, either. So...what gives? I sent her a text, trying my best to seem casual. Abbi? It’s James.

She replied a few minutes later, Cool. Was wondering when you’d text. So, what are you bringing? And don’t say your mom’s vibrator.

Oh, so that’s why she gave me her number. Of course. We hadn’t started on the sketch for our project, and we hadn’t even figured out what we were bringing. Scanning the room, I came up with the first thing I saw and texted her back. A stuffed animal?

This time, her response was almost instantaneous. What if I bring one of mine and we do like a zombie animal?

I couldn’t help sighing dreamily at her idea. I did tell Davis she was artistic, after all. Sounds cool! :)

Sweet.

As much as I wanted to keep talking to Abbi, I couldn’t think of anything else to say, so I set my phone down and picked a stuffed animal I was willing to part with--a brown bear with a red ribbon--and put it in my backpack for tomorrow before hopping in the shower. I lowered myself to the floor of the tub and distantly felt the warm water hitting my chest.

#onision #anti o #stones to abbigale #blood from the stone #bfts #anti onion boy

24 notes · View notes

artisticestheticreads · 5 years

Text

CONNECTED

~In this chapter, Erik & Maya decide to enjoy each other’s company by having lunch. We get a closer look into their budding relationship. I’m going to try a writing technique I haven’t done in a while. Inspired by the ‘Daniel Caesar Channel’ on Pandora so if you really wanna set the tone this will help.

Warning: Contains a little fluff and some smutty thoughts with innuendos.

FOUR

ERIK

It was the day. The day that I counted down to; lunch with a vision like Maya Symone. I stepped out the shower to prepare, washed my face and brushed my pearly whites. I wore my dreads slicked back with natural pomade and trimmed my beard with a pair of clippers; I was looking sharp as hell. I went into my bedroom to the closet to find something to wear; a plain white long-sleeved tee, acid wash jeans with come freshly polished combat boots I’ve since my navy days. I slipped on my beads, gold ankh chain and was on the way to pick up Maya in my used black 2008 Cadillac CTS. The night before, I got to talk to her for hours about anything. She was so chill, serene. She wasn’t like anything or anyone that I can imagine. Her voice was so chill and surreal that it seemed as if I met the woman of my dreams in the flesh.

I finally pulled up to her apartment building and stepped out to stand by the passenger side so I can get the door for her like a real man should; I texted her to let her know that I was out. That is when I saw her. She had on a pair of jean shorts with a red sweatshirt and some black Chuck Taylors. Her hair was in a low style, topped with a bowl hat fedora and her glossed lips curved up. I walked slowly up on to the curve. “Hello, Miss Maya.”

MAYA SYMONE

Erik stood there looking at me with a brow rose to his hairline. “Hello, Mr. Erik. You look nice.” Nice was an understatement. He was ripped, charming and can make any sista melt. When he smiled, I had to smirk. “Thank you. You look great. What did you have a taste for? Today is all about you.” Smooth sone of a bitch. “Well, how about sushi? I haven’t had it in a while.” He nodded and opened the door for me. Once I got in, he shut my door and made his way to his side. I couldn’t help but watch him. Just the swagger in his walk made him even more irresistible than the night we met. He stopped to let a car pass before letting in his car. He settled in, buckling his seatbelt, and turning his car on.

“Do you have a music preference?” I shook my head and he turned on the Daniel Ceasar radio through Bluetooth in his car; Lately by Russ played. I moved my head to the beat and he did the same when we pulled off. “So, Erik. What made you want to go to lunch so quick?” He only paid attention to the road. “Why you ask?” I kept it real. “Because men usually like to make women wait for weeks on in before wanting to see them. The only time they wanna see a woman this quick is when they want something.” Erik looked over at me and said “well, I’m not that type. I can’t speak for them but I know better. I just liked your company. I got a nice vibe from you, Maya.”

ERIK

I looked back to the road leaving her speechless. She didn’t know a man like me would be straight forward. “So, Maya. Tell me about yourself. Are you actually from here?” She looked over at me and ahead. “I was born here but my folks were from Michigan. We moved around a lot since my dad was in the service but when he retired we all stayed here. What about you?”

“Me? Eh, I was born in Oakland. Pops was a...” I had to think. What can I say that wasn’t the truth but not a lie either. “My dad was a leader. He raised hope & awareness for our people. He was basically like a modern Black Panther.” Maya kept her eyes on me, like if she was trying to read me. “You said was. Is he not here anymore?” I kept my eyes on the road but shook my head and stayed quiet. Losing my dad was a very hard feeling. Something I can never get over. Hopping from one home to another, put a toll on me. Especially with not being able to contact my mother. I had no idea what had happen to her until I was sixteen.

“I lost my mother” was all I heard from my right. Maya looked straight ahead but still talked. “When I was fourteen, she was sick from cancer. Ovarian cancer to be exact. It was painful to see her like that. Just to see a woman like that hurt me a lot.” My eyes were still on the road as I tried to hold the tears back. “I’m sorry, Maya. Must’ve been hard.” My right arm was on the armrest, alone, Until I felt a set of fingers intertwine mine. “Me too, Erik. Me too.”

MAYA SYMONE

We finally arrived at the sushi bar On Hollywood Blvd. We decided to sit outside on the stools to enjoy the sun and breeze. I sipped from my green tea lemonade when I noticed Erik peeking at me from his peripheral. “Yes, Mr. Stevens”, I asked and heard him chuckle. “Nothing. Just enjoying the view. So, when did you start writing?” He sipped from his cup when I replied. “Hmmm, I would have to say back in high school. It helped with the loss of my mom. My dad bought me a journal to write my emotions down and what not. I was awful at expressing myself ever since I was younger. He thought it would help.” I started to make circles in my drink with my straw as he watched. I looked over at him and asked: “wanna play a game?”

“What kind of game?”

“Just a game so we can get to know each other more.” He raised his brow so I began to start. “First question, if you can go back in time and meet any historical figure, who would it be and why?” He tapped his fingers on the on oakwood table and said “easy, Huey P. Newton. Not only did he lead our people in a revolution but he also stood for us through anything.” I nodded and said “this might be a hard one but I actually would want to meet my great great grandmother on my dad’s side. She was a fully African woman from Kenya. Birthed over fifteen children, grandmother to eighteen and great grandmother to a lot. She was a sculptor who usually showed emotion through her work. My grandma has told me that her grandmother was known to be a crazy woman but to the family, she was just different.” I looked over at Erik and I saw was a smile. “Good answer. My turn?”

ERIK

She bit her lip at me with a smile and I couldn’t help but look in her hazel eyes. “Kiss, Marry or Kill; Denzel, Idris or Me?” I leaned on my right hand and flashed a big old smile making her laugh. “C’ mon, Erik. That ain’t fair.”

“Why it ain’t?” She looked at me with a smirk and rolled her eyes. “Alright fine. Kill Denzel..” She looked at me with a lip bite and continue. “Kiss you and Marry Idris.” I covered my heart pretending to be hurt. “You wouldn’t marry me? Awe man that hurts me. Dang...” She wiped my pretend tear and said: “at least I didn’t say kill you instead.” I looked down at her and took her hand, caressing it with my thumb. “I guess so.” She looked at me and said, “my turn. What do you wanna do with yourself? Like you mentioned that you are the assistant to a teacher. Did you wanna do more that?” I looked over at her and was in deep thought. “To be honest, I never thought about it. Not sure what to do. When I came back overseas. I was just looking for something to help pay bills. But for as long as I’ve done it, I enjoy it. Maybe, I’ll teach.”

The waiter finally came with our big buddha roll and steamed rice with sauce on the side. “I can actually see you as a teacher. Like the teacher that all the single moms want a conference with after school.” I bit into my roll and chuckled. “Maybe. Would you want a conference with me?”

MAYA SYMONE

When he said that I looked over at him with a smirk on his face and little sauce on his lip. I got a napkin to wipe his mouth for him and couldn't help but look at his full lips. So delicious looking. I stared into his eyes as I still wiped his mouth. His eyes were an amazing chocolate shade and his lashes were long and full. The last time I was this close to a man, it changed me for who I am today. I placed the napkin down and grabbed another roll to place in my mouth. “You alright, Maya?” I was so deep in thought that he must’ve noticed. “I’m good” I smiled with a grin and he placed his hand my lower back as he kept eating.

LATER THAT DAY

We pulled up to my home afterward and he stood in front of me, leaning on the car. “Thank you for lunch. I enjoyed it.” He nodded and said “don’t mention it. It was nice to see you again. I was wondering what you were doing tomorrow night.” I held my hands in front of me and shook my head. “Wanna go for dinner? I know this French place downtown that just opened. Supposed to be nice. Want to join me?”

“Sure. What time do you wanna pick me?” He stood and walked over, towering me. “I met reservations for eight.” I looked up to him confused. When did you make those?”

“This morning.”

“What if I said no”, I folded my arms and he said “if you did say no then I would be in there all in my lonesome. You wouldn’t want that on your mind, would you?” Damn, he got me. “Fine. You can ring u and I’ll let you tomorrow night so you won’t wait out here by your ‘lonesome.’“ He covered his mouth to laugh and said “Ok. Which number are you?”

“2F. When you get off the elevator, you are going to make right and I’ll be three doors down on your right.” He looked at me and got closer, caressing my cheek. “I would lie to Facetime tomorrow morning. Is that okay with you?” I nodded before he placed a kiss on my cheek while held his other hand. “I’ll be waiting, young man.” He let my hand go and made my way to my door. I waved back at him and he did the same before getting his ride and driving back. Once I got to my place, I soon got a text that read:

Good night, beautiful. Can’t wait to see you.

I slipped out my shoes, jean shorts and hat, lied down and smile to myself looking up at my painting of sunflowers. Maybe he is different, I thought to myself before falling asleep.

Ok, I have the next chapter finished. Just have to add gifs, pics and edit. It’ll be about Maya’s past and how she became the woman she is today. The chapter is more graphic and involves a lot of sexual situations so be prepared.

TO CATCH UP, PRESS HERE.

𝒯𝒜𝒢𝒢𝐸𝒟 𝐿𝒪𝒱𝐸𝒮

@muse-of-mbaku

@im5ftbutmythroat66

@chaneajoyyy

@melanin-samii

@theunsweetenedtruth

@doux-ciel

@unicornluvin8765

@vikkidc

@wakandantings

@thadelightfulone

@mzamethystp

@simbiann

@tropicalsun10

@babydoll756

@notoriouslynay

@vminax

@quinsly

@pinkdemolition

@quietstorm-73

@chaoticcashfancroissant

@bugngiz

@chocolatedippedinhoney

@yafavcocoa

@lostgalaxies

@mbakuwife

@youreadthatright

@babygotl01292003

@acceptyourselfloveyourself

@madamslayyy

@yoyolovesbucky

@theogbadbitch

#Erik Killmonger #erik killmonger x oc #killmonger x reader #killmonger imagine #bp fandom #redeemed erik #soft boi erik #Connected Series #artisticestheticreads

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jujywrites · 5 years

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WIP Challenge

I got tagged by @kikithedeceiver to do this!

Challenge: post the names of all the files in your WIP folder, regardless of how non-descriptive or ridiculous.

Here’s the thing. I don’t have many separate WIP files; most of them are in one huge doc. and most of the separate wip files are... pretty dead? but ok whatevs. under a read more since it’s long...... and my ego won’t let me skip snippets hjkhkhk thanks for the idea Kiki

From my main miscellaneous folder:

50 Grades of Steele. 1 and a half chaps of a role-flipped 50 Shades of Grey rewrite (i haven’t read the books so I extra don’t care about the characters lol). why do i still have it i’ve lost interest.... *side eyes her entire wip ecosystem* ...Then I see my interview subject, seated at her desk.

"Mr. Grey. I'm pleased to meet you."

And I stop breathing. [end CH1]

[open CH2) I forgot to mention something: I exaggerate occasionally. But I'm not now. I literally stop breathing for a few seconds. A thousand thoughts are racing through my mind, which doesn't help my chest stop seizing, but the main problem here is that Anastasia Steele is quite possibly the most beautiful woman I've ever seen.

Fanfic idea masterlist. my most active file and where I keep most of my WIPS, unless they get too “large”. Organized by fandom. lotta stuff i keep passing by & may as well be dead but don’t wanna delete. here’s a zero-draft snippet of probably the next chapter of my G-rated yukyoru fic collection

He grabbed a pillow and placed it to his chest, grabbed her arm, and yanked her to him, praying his idea would work.

Seconds passed and he didn't transform. He put his arms around her gingerly. Should he try to immobilize her or would that make it worse?

She made the decision for him. "Mom," she sobbed, clutching him with an iron grip. "N-Need to help...!"

His stomach dropped to his shoes.

Thudding footsteps announced Yuki's arrival. "What's wrong?! Honda-san--"

He didn't say "What did you do?" The thought raced by and Kyo said, "Grab a pillow and help me!"

As Yuki positioned the pillow and himself without having to ask, Kyo said, "She won't wake up. I don't know what to do!"

"Night terror," Yuki said tightly. He was too close but it almost didn't matter. "Not much you can do besides wait."

MayxWard BDSM fic agents of SHIELD. mix of notes and actual writing. kind of a half AU. Melinda climbed into the driver's side and buckled in, then started up the car. "If you've not ridden on the left before you might have motion sickness. It's normal. Just close your eyes until—" She paused as she looked at him; his hands shook so much he couldn't manage the seatbelt. "Here, let me."

"Thanks," he muttered with a sigh, looking rueful.

Modern AU Zelink. What it says on the tin~ Teenage-ish Zelink, with a mash of supporting characters from other games. another mix of notes and fic. Link wasn't sleeping tonight. Tonight was the night he'd been planning for and awaiting for weeks. He was going on a quest: the quest to meet Princess Zelda.

She wasn't really a princess, of course. That was just her nickname. Zelda Nohansen was Hyrule's sweetheart, the most sought-after young actress in the movie business. And Link had fallen in love with her the first time he'd seen her, two years ago in a tiny theater in Kakariko.

PMMMfic homumado. Madoka Magica. AU, been around since about an hour after I finished the series (5 years yikes, still gotta watch Rebellion). Homura's time power still somewhat involved, but Mami's an adult, everyone's at a boarding school (I think?) where ~things aren't as they first seem~ and Madoka has mysterious powers and night terrors. just notes at the moment.

SoubixHitomi. Loveless. 3 unfinished/dead first-person Shinonome-senseixSoubi snippets, all of ‘em spicy.

yvy abo. Yuri On Ice. Yuri (Katsuki!!)/Victor/Yuko(!!?!), my attempt at. well. omegaverse(!!!!!!!). orignally started as part of a “bad YOI fic” bigbang and now I’m taking it seriously dgdgfg. Alpha Yuko. “Please, please stop,” she whispered, like saying it aloud would make any difference. But the pressure in her head kept building. Her limbs had begun to itch restlessly.

And Victor wouldn’t let go of her hand.

With the last scrap of her control, she straddled him quickly and kissed him awake.

Even in half-sleep he arched to meet her, and when he opened his eyes sapphire blue had already turned stormy with lust.

yvy canonfuturefic. Yuko-focused following of canon, or: how canon can I keep YOI while still rareship OT3ing it. She and Yuri fall in and out of love, in between falling for Victor. Victuri is still my life I swear

“You have got to watch this,” she tells Yuri. She watches Yuri’s face instead of the video, having seen it at least forty times by now.

Yuri’s eyes transform into beacons of awe, and Yuko swallows around her rapid heartbeat, breaths coming too short. She sees everything she’s feeling and more on his face. She remembers that she loves him, that he’s real and here and more important than the beautiful boy on her phone who’s trying to pull her under to a scary new world.

ZnT ot3 bdsm AU. Zankyou no Terror, 9/12/Lisa. mix of notes and fic, not just PWP. in heavy need of editing bc a lot was inspired by a non-spicy book.

“But it’s not just me. It’s everyone. You need everyone because you have no idea how to need yourself. Or even how to be yourself.”

“You’re wrong.” The force and volume of her voice shocked her and pushed her onward. “You and Touji. I don’t need anyone except you and Touji! Because you both taught me how to be myself-- no, how to find that on my own. I know exactly who I am, and that me isn’t complete without both of you!” She could feel the tears streaming down her face, yet somehow her voice didn’t waver. She felt so full of conviction she could burst into flames. “Don’t you understand, Arata? We’re all meant to be together.”

From my SnK folder:

Cave of the Crystal Maiden (working title). Aruani. Modern AU. MMORPG shenanigans with a dollop of magical realism/supernatural. Just notes. @portraitofa-girl suggested “meeting online” and it’s been there literally for years oh lord im sorry. no fic yet, just notes.

Falling Anthem (working title) Modern AU Levihan, art student Hange and young professor Levi. just notes. fic one in a planned series. also has been years ;_;

Raindrops and Soft Steps. Jearmin. unsurprisingly, modern AU. One morning, when Jean looks out of his bedroom window, he sees a boy dancing across the street. In the street, to be exact. There wouldn't be anything unusual about that, Jean supposes, except it's raining cats and dogs outside.

In my IAMXfic folder (fff i almost skipped this):

2ndPOVCalberto (DO NOT CORRUPT WITH HET) ChrisxAlberto? not much to say?? yes i know they’re real people??? which applies to everything after this oh my god *crawls under desk* Of course she knows; she is annoyingly perceptive when it comes to romance. The only thing preventing you from asking her (like a fucking lovestruck teenager) if Alberto likes you back is emptying that beer bottle. By then the only thing on your mind is ordering another.

CalbertImmi. i can’t even keep my poly shit outta RPF ahaha omhg Imogen has a conversation with her lover's lover. (AlbertImmi, sequel to...) Imogen finds herself in an unenviable position. (emerging CalbertImmi)

Alternate summaries (CC POV, first fic?): Chris loves two people. He doesn't want to choose. Chris has fallen in love a few times in his life. But he's never fallen for two people at once. (Chris also isn't good at choosing.)

ChrisxJ. several self-insert fics bc CC is just that powerful, apparently. haven’t looked at the file in a long time,,,,,

He started calling people to the stage with him, and one by one, my row emptied.

"Come on, yeah, come on," he was saying, waving his hand in an inviting gesture and grinning like a little kid. "Hey, you want to?" I did a double take.

"Me?" I mouthed, pointing at myself just to be sure. He nodded, smiling wider.

So it was that I walked unsteadily down the ramp and waited in line, feeling like I didn’t belong there. Soon I was next in line. What would I say? What would I do? I was sure if I opened my mouth I’d either burst into tears or faint.

Genderswapped IAMX sci-fi. The sci-fi was inspired by a word prompt, genderswapping by my own brain. (play spot the Immi lmao) Across the aisle, Sam rolled his eyes. “Leave Chris alone; she’s nervous.”

“And put on your own seatbelt, Johann,” shouted Jess, two seats back and in Sam’s aisle.

Patrick turned to look at Chris. “Subspace travel is a bitch,” he said simply, and turned back to his book.

“Oh, I feel much less nervous now,” Chris said with a sardonic grin. “How do you know that, anyway?”

"I'm not exactly what I seem to be." He didn’t look up.

Chriimmi (While I Was Gone inspired). Chris/Imogen, inspired by scenes from Sue Miller’s While I Was Gone.

"You really ought not to do that, you know," he said softly.

"Do what?"

"Sneak up on me."

My eyes slid from his face. "I didn't mean to. It just... happened."

"Mm." I glanced back at him; he wore a lopsided smile. "Not that I minded." The tension was so strong the air nearly vibrated with it, yet I held my tongue, terrified that I was the only one feeling it. He took a breath, deep, nearly rising on his toes. "No. I didn't mind at all." He took my hand, circled his thumb over the back. My breath caught as I felt it, as I watched him looking down at our hands.

Chriimmi bathtub dream. dream inspired Chris/Immi smut.

Chriimmi twitter. twitfic plus some, inspired from an actual tweet iamx made that i’m still not over.

@ imogenheap Come sing your lovely lyrics with us in London. @ IAMX misses you. CCx

ChrisxImmi main. grab bag of Chriimmi I was too lazy to put into separate docs.

“What do you think?” She grinned, twirling.

He cleared his throat. “Ah, I-Imogen, what are you wearing?”

“Well, I didn’t want to clash with your theme… Janine helped me. Does it work?”

Scandalously short skirt, midriff-baring top, knee-high boots.

“You’re trying to kill me, aren’t you? You’re trying to fucking kill me.”

Her grin only widened, even though a blush had started.

Fic edit chriimmi ver. yeah. editing someone else’s original fic to be chrimmi. either never posting or editing the frick out of. ~_~

He kissed her neck, whispered into it, “I love you.”

Imogen laughed. “Bollocks,” she said lazily.

”I do!” Chris protested. She looked down at him, nestled on her shoulder. He looked back, open, a little adoring. “I fell in love with you halfway through the show; I sang every note just for you.”

”Oh, please. You couldn’t have seen me.”

”No,” he said. “But I knew you were out there… I knew it had been you the minute I saw you backstage.”

Hospital Chriimmi. In which my guilty feeling over RPF are even worse bc of the inspiration ^_^U “Ms. Heap. What a pleasant surprise.” It’s surprising, how well she remembers his voice.

“Mr. Corner, what have you got yourself into?”

“Oh, just a bit of lingering insomnia. You know how it is.”

She takes a seat in the chair near his bed, crossing her legs. “Well, I’ve certainly had a sleepless night here and there, but I’ve never ended up in hospital from it. So no, I don’t suppose I do know.” Her tone is light, but her smile has begun to crack.

ImmixChris genderbend smut. the my secret friend video is... fertile material. have not actually written the smut yet.

...he saw us as characters– we put on those clothes and become separate from ourselves, removed. Whereas I simply felt like myself in men’s clothes, and instead of feeling what He felt for Her, I just kept right on feeling what I felt for Chris, amplified to a distracting level.

ReluctantdommeImmixSubCC. ...shrug emoji? notes and uh. visualizing.

Vampire Chriimmi. based on a dream. smutty. inspired by True Blood so wow that’s old.

From my Markipairings folder:

demon dream. markiplier self insert...... ughhhhhhhh o///o

"You can have me," I tell the creature. "But this one," I jerk my head toward Mark, "comes with me. He's mine, you see." A bold proclamation to make, but in the moment I know that the truth in those words surpasses everything I've ever said. He is mine, and saying the thought out loud fills me with courage. He squeezes my hand, two short and a long one so strong I think he might break it.

I know we’ll win.

DommeJujY. same as above, same as the next four. smutty.

Fight team AU. i forget where i got this one from. vaguely inspired by loveless i guess. The first clear thought I had was, He shouldn't have gone ahead of me. The second one was, I should have been able to protect him. But these came later, after the rage went away, after I hugged him and apologized, after I bandaged him…

Gaming meetcute. i win some contest or whatever to secretly tagteam w/ Mark. stuff happens and yeah......

The adrenaline surges through my veins as I take in the scene. Mark's avatar is flailing around, backed into a corner by some Eldritch Abomination and holy shit, the graphics in this game are amazing.

"This is not good, I can't move, I can't move…"

There's a voice in the back of my head screaming to shut the game down, to get that horrible thing off the screen. I ignore it.

Markinpanties. .......smut.

shifter-slight sci-fi AU. shrug emoji.

I looked up from the ground and saw I was heading straight for a brick wall. There was no time to slow down. I braced for impact...

It didn't happen. I opened my eyes and found myself in a café.

What.

Looking behind me, I saw a door. On impulse I walked over and opened it; the tree-lined street I could see through the glass was indeed there. No brick wall to smack my face into. Bewildered, I turned around and looked for a seat, choosing one near a window.

Gouldiplier~. master doc of ficbits of my cracky mccrackship, MarkiplierxEllie Goulding.

I check my phone during break time again. My selfie has been liked and retweeted thousands of times, and I shake my head in disbelief; I don't think that will ever stop surprising me, deep down. To make things even better, Mark's liked it! I'm in the middle of a happy jig when I realize there's a text from him and a squeak of joy slips from me.

hellooo gorgeous

looks like you're having fun. Hope the shoot's going great! <3

I quickly send a reply. it has been. Be glad when it's done tho. Missin u lots xo

Markipicbunnies. fanart of Mark for Gouldiplier insipration. photographer au.

"Ms. Goulding, I'm really not sure about this…"

"I produce pictures that are intimate because I'm an intimate being, Mark." Ellie looked at him directly, a hint of a smile shaping her lips. "Deep down, I think you are too. We just need to draw you out a bit."

showersexgouldiplier. WELP. IT’S SMUT.

Also I have folders for my 2010/11 nanowrimo novel that are kinda still WIPs but also kinda not

i’m gonna tag.... @kippielovesyou @kiridork and @mistergrass and anyone else who wants to do this can too :3

#JujYwrites #Mintyblather #i have too much stuuuffffff

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occasionalfics · 5 years

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Writing Interview

Tagged by: @eyesfixedonthesun22 💖💖💖

Q: What is your coffee order? Sometimes a frappuccino, sometimes an iced soy latte/iced coffee with hazelnut, but always cold. It’s too hot where I live to ever think of drinking a hot drink and also my teeth are sensitive to hot beverages so cold coffee for me.

Q: What is the coolest thing you’ve ever done? I spent 4 months in Europe during my final semester in college! Saw Deadpool and Captain America: Civil War in basement theaters in London (I live in Florida where basements don’t exist so having to go underground to see a movie was the COOLEST thing to me). Went to Pompeii, which was fucking amazing, even though my feet hurt like hell all day and we were stuck at the train station in Naples for about 2 hours because of a train strike. 100% went into the bookstore in the station to look at the Italian editions of books - which was amazing. I also saw like 16 plays and musicals (took a class where I went to the theater once a week, then also saw some musicals outside of the class because how in the world was I supposed to go to England and NOT see Wicked? And Les Mis?! And Phantom?!).

Oh and the Tube? Best mode of transportation I’ve ever used. I love the Tube.

Q: Who has been your biggest mentor?

For writing: Jane Austen, Stephanie Meyer (full disclosure: I paid a lot of attention to the format of Twilight and learned to make my writing better by emulating it), John Green, and Julie Murphy. Maybe a little Scott Westerfeld, too. And, of course, my Creative Writing mentor from college - the same professor who asked if I wanted to go to England because he was leading the trip.

Q: What has been your most memorable writing project?

I’ve been writing for a long, long time. Like. Most of my life. I just posted Sugar to my ao3 so I guess that? But also working through the novel I’m writing is pretty memorable, since I’m still doing that.

Q: What does your writing path look like, from the earliest days until now?

I was on the school newspaper in 4th and 5th grade, and I think that’s the earliest Creative Writing memory I have. I wrote a story about a lucky shirt being stolen that I was really proud of.

In middle school, I had this dollar store notebook with really terrible quality paper that I wrote vampire stories in. Some of my friends read it on the bus to and from school and they really liked it. Also in middle school I wrote Fall Out Boy fanfic (I was like...13 and didn’t know better) and got into online role playing (which, if you don’t know what it is, it’s really really hard to describe, but I did it??).

Somewhere between middle and high school I had this one rp character I liked a lot that I tried to write a novel around. That never went anywhere, but I remember loving writing that novel. I did it again with a few different rp characters that I was attached to, but again, nothing much came of those.

By college I was tapering off the role playing and focusing on short stories because that’s what we wrote for classes. Then I went to Key West with my mom one summer, and when I came back, I started writing a short story about a girl who runs away from her problems and stays with her uncle in Key West and she has a fling with a hot local. That kind of started to morph into a novel, but I never finished it. Now I’m working on an adaptation of a classic with queer characters, which I’ve been focused on for like 2 years.

Oh yeah and around the time that GOTGv2 came out, I got back into fanfic, obviously.

Q: What is your favorite part about writing?

Getting to understand people by understanding character. I’m fascinated by choices and actions we make and take, and what makes us human.

Q: What does a typical day look like for you?

Well I’m 25, still live at home, and work a part time retail job because I have a degree in Creative Writing and it’s getting me nowhere except writing a novel from my parents’ living room.

So normally I read a lot in the morning (as long as I’m not working), go to work (I work a lot of nights), come home, and write. I write best at night and read best in the morning.

Q: What does your writing process look like?

I get characters first. Little bits and snippets. I like to work around relationships from the center moving outwards, so plot comes later for me. For fanfic, I normally just start a document and see where it gets me. For my personal writing, I have to write a linear draft to get the major plot points out, then edit, then rewrite. I’m not super comfortable working out of order yet.

Q: What’s the best advice you’ve gotten?

Pretty much just...do it.

Q: What’s the biggest lesson you’ve learned?

Sometimes I have to step away and realize that I’m not supposed to be writing myself into the main character. They’re their own person, and if I’m ever going to get this novel published, I have to be comfortable writing someone that I identify with but who is still not my identical twin.

Q: What advice would you give someone who wants to start writing?

DO. IT. WRITE IT. GET IT OUT. Literally nothing will happen if you don’t just put words down.

Also it is 100% okay to put words down, decide they don’t mean anything, and walk away. You’re not a failure for trying. You only fail at writing if you never ever put your ideas down, if you never lift a pen or make a cursor move.

Questions for authors! I love learning from fellow authors, it drives me and inspires me. I took these questions from an interview I was reading for character research and changed them to fit what we do. I encourage you to do this and then to tag ten authors you want to learn about. Let’s all be friends and try to inspire one another!

@pointbreak-odinson @sweetboybucky @captain-ariel-barnes @jalapenobarnes @whitewolfbumble @tropicalcap @ anyone else that wants to do this!

#about me

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ddreammcatcher · 5 years

Text

My true colors

A/N: This is my fourth entry for Criminal Minds Trope Bingo hosted by @cmbingo. I started writing this a while ago for someones writing challenge and never finished it, so I decided to finish it and post it here. This is the longest fic I’ve ever written. This isn’t really edited, so sorry about that.

Square filled: Bull pen/free space

Warnings: Mentions of suicide and self harm

Word count: 11038

Summery: When Garcias coworkers find out she has depression, her life changes

I had just gotten home and I could finally take off my armor and relax. Not real armor, just the armor I use to protect myself. My name is Penelope Garcia. At work I'm the happy bubbly one that everyone loves. They don't know the secrets and feelings I choose to hide from them. In all honesty, if they did, they would be afraid. Hell, I'm afraid of my own mind all the time. I decide to watch tv and binge eat ice cream for the rest of the night. Food and tv are two of the biggest things that have gotten me through the past couple months. I let the memories and tears come to me.

5 years ago

My mom had just gotten remarried. It was supposed to be a happy day, but for me it wasn't. I felt like I wasn't enough for her and that she needed more. It really hurt. I had two new stepbrothers. They didn't really seem to like me to start with, but they warmed up to me. We moved in together. They started their own new life that I never truly felt a part of. There were times when things were good when I felt like part of the family. Making homemade pizza… decorating cookies… picnics in the park… but the feelings never seemed to last. I always felt like the odd one out at the house. It probably had to do with the fact that I lived with my dad part time and they all lived there full time. I never really felt like i belonged. I tried talking to my mom about it, but she never seemed to understand. She told me that I could become part of the family, I just needed to participate more. Yet no matter what I tried, it was never enough.

My show ends, pulling me back to reality. I wipe away some of the tears and hit play on the next episode. I’m watching my favorite show, which I’ve seen a million times. It comforts me that's what I seem to need these days. As the theme music starts up, I float back to memories.

4 years ago

Since my mom got remarried, things have gotten worse and worse. I’ve become more distant and keep my feelings a secret. I don’t talk about them to anyone. Until one day when I get told to go talk to my counselor. For that first couple of weeks, we only talk about school stuff. Eventually I tell her how I’m feeling. She takes me to meet the school therapist. I realize that I was so nervous to meet her, but she changed my life so much. It turns out I have depression and anxiety. It’s a horrible combo and can make my life hell at times. My thoughts are horrible. Many times that year, I have suicidal thoughts. Some worse than others. The really bad ones end up with a trip to my therapists office even if I wasn’t scheduled to see her.

I’m crying really hard right now. I’m not really watching my show anymore. I’m just using it for background noise because it helps. I know that I owe my first therapist so much for helping me work through things and get to the point where I was able to graduate. She helped me get through when my step brother tried to kill himself. With that thought, I start crying harder and go back to that day.

3 years ago

It was a Friday. Me and my mom were sitting at home talking. She decided she wanted to talk about my depression and how it had been. I did NOT want to have that conversation. We have been talking for a little bit when her phone rings. I sigh in relief. It means that this conversation can be over. Sadly it's an unknown number, so she sends them to voicemail. We finally finish the horrible conversation and the phone rings again. My mom answers this time. Turns out its the police. One of my stepbrothers had climbed over the bridge above a highway. We went to the hospital to see him. He was in the hospital for a week. It was a horrible week for me and I was so glad when he came home.

My phone buzzes, making me jump. I’m crying really hard. So hard that I can’t read the notification on my phone. I wipe some of the tears away and see its a message from my boss. He wants to talk to me tomorrow morning. I grown. This is not a good sign. He has never asked me to meet with him like this. I go back to the day that I met him.

2 years ago

I had graduated high school 4 months ago. I had an interview for the first time in my life and I was so nervous. I sit in a waiting room. A man walks out. He's wearing a suit. That’s not the first thing I notice. The first thing I notice are his eyes. I can see the tension in them. He calls my name. I get up and walk up to him. “Penelope Garcia?” He asks sternly. “Yes, that's me.” I reply nervously. “I’m agent Hotchner.” He leads me into an office. I take a seat. He sits in the chair behind his desk. “I’ve seen your records. I think that you could have a place here. I need you to go through the academy before I can hire you.” His eyes have softened, which I take as a good sign. “I would love to be part of the team.” I say with a big smile. I spent the next year at the academy. Learning everything I could. Coding became my life. It became one of the few outlets I had when my depression got really bad.

My phone buzzes again. Its Hotch, my boss. He reassures me that it is nothing bad. It doesn’t really help. I still have no idea why he wants to talk to me. He doesn’t know about my depression. No one on my team knows about it. I go back to the first time I met them.

1 year ago

It was my first official day. I was nervous to meet the team, but also excited. I went to Hotch's office first to get my credentials. We talked over some basic things. Then we leave his office and he introduces me to the team. I know I have to be bubbly and I can’t let anyone see how my depression affects me. Derek Morgan is the first person I meet. He calls me baby girl, which I don’t know how to feel about. I guess it's kinda cute. Then I meet Emily Prentiss. She's sweet and pretty. She smiles at me and makes me relax somewhat. Then I meet Dave Rossi and Spencer Reid. Rossi takes me in a hug the moment he sees me. Reid is more withdrawn. I’m okay with that. Then JJ walks in and my whole world stops. She’s drop dead gorgeous. After meeting the team, Hotch shows me to my office. I walk in and it's amazing.

I come back from that memory a little bit happier. My phone buzzes. I see that it’s another message from Hotch. I sigh wondering what he could possibly want. It just says that he hopes i have a good night. I cry myself to sleep. It’s something that I’ve done every night for years.

Over the past year, I've grown close to the team. I know that they all care about me, but I still haven’t told anyone about my depression. I don’t want them to look at me differently because of it. Most days I’m able to control it. I know that my depression is never going to go away, but it's better than in high school. When it seems like I can’t control it, I hide in my office until I can control it. Today seems to be one of the days that it’s harder to control it. I know that i have to. At least until after my meeting with Hotch.

I walk in to the building somewhat nervous. I don’t know if I can do this, but I know that I have to. I drop off my stuff in my office and then go to Hotch's office. I knock when I get there and he opens the door immediately. I look in and see that JJ is in there as well. Their eyes have worry in them. Great, this is not going to be fun. “Whats up Hotch?” I ask as happily as possible. He takes a seat. “Have a seat Penelope.” He never calls me by my first name, which means this has to be serious. I take a seat. “Penelope, we are worried about you.” Hotch says softly. Fuck. How the hell did they figure it out? “I’m okay.” JJ just gives me this look. She speaks for the first time. “Penelope, I found this.” She hands me a note. I open it. Shit. It’s a suicide note I wrote a while ago. I completely forgot that I had it at work. I look at JJ and then at Hotch. They both have looks of worry. “I’m okay. I promise.” I say with a cheerful voice. “Penelope, this doesn’t seem like you are okay.” JJ says. Hotch just sits there and lets JJ talk to me.

I turn and walk out of his office and go to my office. I close the door behind me and lock it. I disable the passcode so no one can get in. They found out and I don’t know how to deal with that. I don’t want them to know because they will treat me differently. My depression is just a part of me. My depression is not who I am. I’m crying and I hate it. There is a knock on the door, but I ignore it. I don’t want to talk to any of them. I just want to go home. I was doing such a good job of hiding it. How did things get this bad? I promised myself that my depression was not going to mess up this job, but it looks like it has.

My door is knocked on again. “Penelope, baby girl, let me in.” Derek says gently. “Go away!” I yell at him. I hear him gasp in shock. I never yell at people here. I guess everything is coming out today. I hear him walk away. A couple minutes later my door is knocked on again. “Penelope, its JJ. Let me in please? We don’t have to talk, just let me be with you.” I have been crying this whole time. The way she says it comforts me. It’s probably because she's a mom. I slowly open the door and let her in. I close it after her.

I go and sit on the couch I have in my office. JJ comes and sits next to me, but not touching me. I curl into a ball facing away from her. She puts her hand on my leg. When I don’t try to move away from her, she leaves it there. After awhile, she moves it up to my back and rubs circles on it. It’s actually really relaxing. We stay there for a while. Me crying and her rubbing my back. Eventually I sit up and look at her. “I’m really sorry.” I say as I brush away some left over tears. “Penelope, you never have to apologize for how you are feeling.” She says softly. “Okay.” I say. “Penelope, what's going on?” She asks gently. I know that telling her isn’t a good idea, but it’s what I need right now.

“You really want to know?” Ask quietly. “Penelope, I care about you. Of course I want to know.” She says it with confidence. “I have depression.” I say as I look down. “Penelope, look at me.” I look up. She’s not upset, she's just worried. “Why didn’t you tell me earlier?” I hesitate. “Because everytime I tell someone I have depression, they treat me differently. I didn’t want that to happen with you guys.” I say as the tears start to fall again. “Penelope, we all know that depression is an illness. It’s not who you are. We already know who you are and we love you.” She says with a tone that says it’s not up for debate. “But this entire time I haven’t been honest with you guys.” I cry out. “Penelope, its okay. We all have been through things that we hide from each other.” She says calmly. “I doubt it.” I retort. She looks at me with tears in her eyes. “My older sister killed herself when she was 16. I haven’t told anyone else that.” She says softly. I look at her and blink. “How have you kept that to yourself all this time?” I ask. “I’ve learned that it's part of me. I’m not ashamed of it. It’s a piece of me that hurts, but it's only a piece, not all of me.” She says. “You make it sound so easy.” I say. “It takes time and patience to get to this point.” she says.

I lean into her. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you earlier.” I say quietly. She lets me lean on her. “It’s okay. You need to tell Hotch. Even if no one else on the team knows, he needs to.” She says. “Ugh. Fine.” I know it's the right thing to do, I just don’t want to do it. “Thank you Penelope. Do you want to do it in here or in his office?” She looks at me, knowing that if it's going to happen, I need to feel as safe as possible. “In here.” I say. She nods. “I’ll text Hotch to come here.” She says as she pulls out her phone. She texts him and a couple of minutes later the door is knocked on. JJ opens it and Hotch walks in. I’m still sitting on the couch and JJ joins me on it. Hotch grabs the chair and brings it over near us. He’s still worried and its obvious. “Whats going on Penelope?” He asks gently. I look at JJ about to panic. She takes my hand and squeezes it. I take a deep breath. “I have depression.” I say quietly.

Hotch doesn’t say anything for a little bit. I look at him to see he isn’t surprised. Once I look at him, he starts talking. “Penelope, why didn’t you tell me earlier?” He asks. “I didn’t want anyone to treat me different.” I say shakily. He just looks at me confused. “Usually when I tell people, they start acting differently. They act like I could break at any moment.” I say. He nods. “Penelope, you know I have to report this right?” He asks. “No. Please don’t.” I start crying. “Penelope, I need you to have a psych eval. Until then, you’re on probation. That means that you can’t work cases.” He says it sternly. “Hotch. How could you?!?” I shout. I’m pissed. “Get out!” I yell. “Okay.” He says calmly. He gets up and leaves.

JJ looks at me. “Don’t say it.” I say to her as I break down in tears. She just opens her arms to me. I curl myself into her embrace. I cry for a while. Once I’m done, I sit up and sit next to her. “Penelope, you know he just wants what's best for you.” She says gently. “I know. I just hate feeling this way.” I sigh. She nods. “You do need to be cleared before he will let you go back to work.” JJ says. “Ugh. I know.” I grown. “If you want, I could have someone come in and do it today.” JJ says gently. “I guess. I might as well.” I say as I’m still crying. “Okay. I’ll get Hotch to make the call. I’ll be right back.” She gets up and leaves. I know that this is what is best for me, but I don’t want to do it.

I need to go to the bathroom, which requires me to leave my room. On the way to the bathroom, I hear JJ and Derek talking. “JJ, what’s going on?” His voice has tension in it. “I can’t tell you.” She replies. “JJ, is she okay?” He asks. “I’m going to take care of her. I need to go talk to Hotch.” She replies sadly. She walks away and up the stairs to Hotch’s office. I turn and head into the bathroom. On the way back, I don’t see anyone, which I’m glad about. I have tear tracks down my face. I think about just leaving and going home. It might be better. Yet I also know that it would worry everyone. Still, it’s really tempting to just leave. I decide that I’m going to leave. I get my stuff and head towards the elevator. On my way there, Rossi sees me. “Hey Garcia, what's up?” He had just gotten there and has no idea what’s happening. I hear JJ’s voice as she leaves Hotch’s office. I squeak and duck in the elevator. Rossi puts his arm on the door to keep it open. “Garcia? What's wrong?” JJ is walking back towards my office when she hears Rossi say my name. She turns towards the elevator. When she walks up, she and Rossi make eye contact. “What’s up JJ?” Rossi asks curiously. “I need to talk to Penelope alone.” She says. Rossi nods and leaves.

“Garcia, what are you doing?” JJ asks worried. “I have to get out of here.” I say in a panic. “Penelope, take some deep breaths.” She says. “I can’t do this right now.” I blurt. “Penelope, try to match your breathing with mine.” She says calmly. I listen to her and try to do it. It helps me calm down. “Okay. Now can we go back to your office and talk?” She asks. “Okay.” I say with a sigh. I follow her back to my office. I plop down on the couch. “I just want to go home and forget about today.” I say. “I know Penelope, but this is something you have to deal with.” She says softly. “I don’t f***ing want to!” I yell at her. She flinches a little bit. “Penelope, take some deep breaths.” She says calmly. I do and it helps.

My door is knocked on. JJ gets up and opens it. Dr. Nelson walks in. I’ve never actually talked to her because my last psych eval was done at the academy. I know who she is because she came to see Reid and got lost, so I had to help her. “Hey Penelope, I hear you’re having a rough time right now.” She says gently. I scoff at her and roll my eyes. She and JJ share a look that says they both know that I’m not in a good place. “JJ, would it be possible for you to leave? I can come find you when I’m done.” She asks. “Sure.” JJ says and then she leaves. “Penelope, can you tell me what's going on?” She asks. Her voice is gentle, but I don’t say anything. I just cry again. She just sits there and lets me cry. After a while, the tears stop. “Penelope, Hotch told me you have depression. How long have you had it for?” She asks. “Four years.” I say bluntly. “Okay, have you ever had counselling for it?” She asks. I know she's just trying to get a foundation to go off of. “Yeah, for two years. I haven't seen a therapist since I graduated high school.” I say. She nods. She asks me a bunch of different questions. Finally we are done. “Here's what I want to do and I know you are not going to like it, so hear me out.” She looks at me until I nod. “I want you to see a counselor or therapist. Until they say, you are not cleared for duty.” “No. Not fair!” I interrupt. “I’m not done. Also, I want you to have someone stay at your house until the therapist or counselor sees fit.” “What? Why the f*** does someone need to stay with me?” I’m pissed. “Penelope, you wrote a suicide note. It is a serious deal. There is a therapist in the Bureau that I think you would get along with well. I’ll set up an appointment with her and then let you know when it is.” She states. “Fine. Just leave me alone.” I snap. “Okay. I’m going to let Hotch know what I’ve decided. He can decide who stays with you.” She says.

When she leaves, JJ comes back in. “Feeling any better?” JJ asks. “Go the f*** away!” I yell at her. When I get mad I get pissed, which makes me yell at people. She flinches. “I’m not going .

anywhere Penelope.” She states. We just sit there in silence. I’m pissed and I don’t want to talk about it. About 20 min later, my door is knocked on. JJ opens it and Hotch walks in. “JJ, can Penelope and I talk alone?” Hotch asks. “Sure.” She gets up and leaves.

“Penelope, I talked to Dr.Nelson. She told me that she wants someone to be with you at all times. I think that it would be best if JJ stays with you.” He says. “Hotch. Please don’t do this. I’m okay. I promise. JJ needs to work on cases.” I say. It comes out in one breath. “Penelope, this is not a request. It is going to happen. It's more important that you are safe then for JJ to work cases.” He's tense and I know that it's not up for debate. “Fine!”

That night, JJ comes home with me. Before we go home, we go to her house so she can get some of her stuff. When we get to my house, I go to my room and close the door, JJ opens it seconds later. “Penelope, Dr.Nelson wants me to search your room for anything you could use to hurt yourself.” JJ says gently. “This is exactly what I was worried about. People treating me like I’m going to break.” I spout. “Penelope, I’m just worried about you. I promise that this doesn’t change how I see you.” She says with force. “Okay.” She searches my room and then leaves me alone for the rest of the night.

The next day, I drag myself out of bed and to the therapists. I really don’t want to be here. A woman walks out. “Penelope?” I get up and walk up to her. I follow her back to her office. I take a seat on the couch. “Hi. I’m Abby. How are you today?” I decide it's time to put my armor back on. “I’m doing great.” I say. She makes a face that says she knows I’m lying. Then she writes something down. “Penelope, I talked to Dr.Nelson. I want you to be able to be honest with me.” She says kindly. I don’t trust her yet, so there is no way that I am letting her in. “Penelope, why did you write a suicide note?” She asks gently. “When can I go back to work?” I ask with a happy tone. She sighs. “Penelope, you can’t go back to work until you work through some of the stuff you are dealing with.” “I’m not dealing with anything, I’m doing great.” I’m not going to let her get inside no matter how much she tries.

We don’t get very far in that session. We don’t get anywhere for awhile. I keep her out and put up my armor. She keeps trying to get in, but it doesn’t get anywhere. It’s been two weeks and nothing has changed. I spend my days watching tv and binge eating. I go to therapy twice a week. I know that this is no way to live my life, but right now I don’t care. I don’t want to deal with any of this. I just want to back to being the perky happy person that everyone knows. I know that it isn’t who I really am, but at least my life had a purpose. Right now, there is no purpose. I’m staying alive for my team. The fact that JJ confiscated all of the things I could use to hurt myself that were in my house makes it harder to do anything.

JJ talks to Hotch almost everyday. I know that the two of them are worried about me. I’ve tried to make JJ go back to work multiple times, but she won’t budge. She spends her days with me, trying to help however she can. What she doesn’t know is that I don’t want help. I just want to forget about this. I want to push the rewind button and go back to before any of this happened. I know that things are never going to go back to the way they were and that bugs me.

At my next therapy sessions, Abby finally gets me to say something other than my normal perky responses. “Penelope, at some point you are going to have to deal with this. You can’t keep living your life like this.” She says. “Why not? It’s not like I have any purpose anymore.” I say it before I think it through. I really wish I could take it back. “Penelope, why do you think you don't have a purpose any more?” She asks. I can’t decide if I should let her in or if I should keep her out. I decide not to say anything else. We only have a couple of minutes left. I’ll figure out what I want in the next couple of days. “Okay Penelope, we will continue this conversation on Thursday.” She states. I get up and walk out.

JJ follows me back to the car. We go back home. When we get there, I go in my room and close the door. JJ has come to realize that when I close my door, I want to be alone. There are days when I will leave it open or hang out in the living room. Those are my good days. Even if I don’t want to admit it, I know I’m not in a good place. It might be time to let Abby in and start to deal with some of my stuff. I don’t know. The last person I let in hurt me. I don’t know if I’m ready to take that risk again. Yet it might be helpful to get some of my issues out of my head. I’m scared to talk about my problems because that means that they are real.

I wonder out to the kitchen to find food. I hear JJ on the phone in the other room. She doesn’t know that I left my room. “I know Hotch. What else can we do though?” Then there's a pause. “Okay. We can talk about this on Friday.” JJ has a tone that she says she's not happy about where the conversation is going. “Hotch, we can’t force her to do anything. She needs to do this at her own pace. I’ll talk to Abby thursday night and see what she thinks. I’ll talk to you later.” JJ hangs up and doesn’t move. I grab a bag of chips and go back to my room.

On Thursday, I go to therapy. I’ve decided that I need to open up at least a little bit. I go back to her office and take a seat. “Hi Penelope. How are you today?” She asks. I know she’s expecting my normal response of ‘I’m great’. “I’m okay. I’ve been better.” I sigh. I can see the shock in her eyes. “Okay. I thought we could start where we left off last time. You said you had no purpose. Why do you think this?” She asks. I sigh. “Because I can’t do anything right.” I say. I can feel the tears that are ready to fall. Stupid tears, they are going to give me away. I still haven’t decided how much I want to let her in. “Penelope, why do you feel like you can’t do anything right? You got in to the FBI.” She says cautiously. I don’t say anything, I just keep crying. She just lets me sit there and cry. After a while, the tears slow to a stop. I sniffle and then look at her. “Penelope, I know that you have kept others out for so long.” She says. “I don’t want anyone to think that I’m weak.” I blurt. “Penelope, the bravest thing you can do is to let others in. You are showing them your darkest thoughts,” She says kindly. “I don’t know if I can do that.” I sniffle. “That’s okay. We don’t have to rush it. Is there anything else you want to talk about today?” I guess I can tell her why I don’t want to talk about things. “I don’t want to talk about what’s happened in the past because that means that they are real.” I say slowly. She makes a confused look. “Okay, that’s all the time we have today. I’ll see you monday.” I get up and walk out.

I walk out and see JJ and Hotch sitting there. “What’s going on?” I ask. I’m worried about what they are going to say. “Hey Penelope. Hotch wanted to talk to Abby and we were just catching up before you were done.” JJ responds. “Okay. Can we leave now JJ?” I ask. I’m about to cry and I would really like to do it in my bed and not in the FBI. “Sure. I’ll talk to you later Hotch.” JJ says. We get in the elevator to leave. We stop on the floor the BAU is on and I hold my breath. When the doors open, Derek is standing there. I make eye contact and then lower my head. His eyes having worry and sadness in them. He gets in and we ride in silence for a while. Then Derek starts talking. “Hey baby girl. I miss you and your teasing.” Once he says that, I break down in tears. He looks at JJ in confusion.

The elevator stops on the floor above the lobby. I quickly get off and run for the safety of an office I know is never used. I hear JJ shout at me to stop, but I just keep going. Once I get to the office, I close the door and curl up into a ball. Opening up to Abby was emotionally draining. I know that it was good and was going to have to happen at some point. The door opens and JJ comes in. “Hey Penelope, what happened?” She asks. I don’t say anything, I just keep crying. “Should I go get Abby?” She asks. I shrug. It might be good to talk to her. Yet I don’t want to let her in and her seeing me like this would force me to explain it to her. “Penelope, how can I help you?” She asks quietly. I shrug again. Her phone buzzes repeatedly, which means she’s getting a call. “I’ll be right back.” She says.

She closes the door, but I can still hear her. “Hey Hotch.” Then there’s a pause. “No, we didn’t even make it to the car. Derek got in the elevator with us and tried to talk to her. She broke down crying.” She sighs and listens to what he has to say. “In an office on the second floor.” She says. Then there is another pause. “I don’t know. I asked her if she wanted me to get Abby and she just shrugged. I don’t know what we should do.” She sighs. Then there is a long pause. “Okay. Let's give it a shot, but it could go very badly.” She hangs up and walks back in. She looks at me. “You weren’t supposed to hear that.” She says. I shrug. My tears have pretty much stopped. Abby walks in a little bit later. I ended up in a corner in a ball on the floor. When she comes in, JJ leaves. She comes and sits by me. “Hey Penelope, I heard things didn’t go well after you left. Do you want to talk about it?” She asks. I shake my head no. “Okay, that's fine.” She leans against a couch that is in the room. We just sit there for a while. Eventually I uncurl and look at her. “Whats going on?” She asks. It’s not demanding. It's more like she’s wondering and isn’t going to push me to tell her. I sigh. “I’m emotionally drained.” I mutter. She nods. “That makes sense Penelope. You kept people out for years and you started to open up to me. It’s going to be exhausting.” She says kindly. Hearing that helps a lot. “I think I’m ready to go home.” I say. She nods. We get up and walk out together.

That night, I just go to my room and curl up on the bed. I watch The Office, which helps. The next few days, I talk to JJ a little bit. I can’t let her in yet, but I know she cares. On sunday, we watch a movie together. We haven’t done that ever. Usually I just go in my room to watch movies. We end up falling asleep on the couch together. I wake up halfway through the night screaming. This is something that I’ve gotten used to by now. I focus on my breathing and try to get it and my heart rate back to normal. My scream woke JJ up. “Penelope, what's wrong?” She asks worried. “It’s fine JJ, go back to sleep.” I say with a yawn. “Penelope, you woke up screaming. That’s not normal.” She says concerned. I sigh. “It’s normal for me. It happens almost every night.” She looks really concerned. “JJ, I’ve learned to live with them.” I say tiredly. “You shouldn’t have to deal with them.” She says sadly. “It’s okay JJ.” I get up and go climb in my own bed.

The next morning, I wake up to find JJ still asleep on the couch. I smile at how peaceful she is. She’s been so stressed over me the past couple of weeks. I wish she could be this peaceful all the time. I look at the clock and realize it’s already 10:35. I have therapy and 11 and it takes 15 min to drive there. I decide not to wake up JJ. She looks so peaceful. I get ready and then get in my car. It takes me a few minutes to be able to turn the car on. I drive to the FBI fine. I know the route by heart.

When I get there, I end up in the elevator with Hotch. “Hey Penelope, where's JJ?” He looks worried. “She was asleep when I needed to leave, so I just let her sleep.” He sighs and looks annoyed. He doesn’t get off at the BAU, but comes up with me. I get off and he follows me. I turn to face him. “Hotch, I’m fine. I’m not going to hurt myself, I promise.” I see the corners of his mouth turn upward. Abby walks out and takes in the scene. “Hey Penelope.” “Hey.” I follow her back to her office. Once we sit down, she looks at me in confusion. “Where’s JJ?” She wonders. “At home asleep. I left her a note.” I say. She sighs. “Penelope, we talked about this. She’s there to make sure you’re safe.” I roll my eyes. “I’m not a child, I can take care of myself.” I pout. She smiles. “Penelope, do you think you are able to keep yourself safe without JJ there?” She asks. “Yes, I do.” I say with confidence. “Okay, I’ll think about reducing the time she’s with you. Now we need to talk about what happened on Thursday.” She says.

I grown. “I know you don’t want to talk about it Penelope, but we need to. What did Derek say to you?” She asks. How does she know about Derek? JJ must have talked to her. I sigh. “He told me he missed me and my teasing.” I choke on the words. “Why does that hurt you so much?” She asks. I don’t say anything for a while and she doesn’t push me to talk. Finally I talk. “Because that’s who I was when I was hiding my depression. I don’t want that to change, but I’m afraid it will once he learns about my depression.” I say. She nods. “Do you think he would care? He knows you.” She says. “He doesn’t know me with my depression.” I say annoyed. “Penelope, JJ told me that you know your depression is just a part of you and not who you are. What if he sees it that way as well?” I sigh. “I don't know. I’m not ready to take the step.” I say. “Okay, that’s fine.” I look at the clock. “I guess we are out of time.” I say with relief. “Yes, we are. I want you to think about how Derek would feel if you told him. I’m not saying do anything, just think about it.” She smiles. “Thank you for opening up to me.” I nod. I get up and leave.

I walk out to see Hotch. “Hey Hotch. I’m fine. I promise.” I say. He looks at me. “JJ called me when she woke up. She was worried about you. I told her that you were here and that calmed her down.” He says. “I didn’t mean to worry her. I just didn’t see the point of waking her up just to drive me here.” I sigh. He smiles. It’s a small one, but it’s the first one I’ve see from him in a long time. “Okay. I need to go talk to Abby. I’ll see you later.” He says. I take the elevator down and don’t run into anyone from the BAU, which I’m glad about. I start my car and drive back home.

I get home and JJ is sitting on the couch flipping through channels. “Hey JJ, sorry I worried you. I didn’t mean to. You just looked so peaceful and I didn’t want to wake you.” I say quickly before she can say anything. She smiles. “That’s fine.” Two smiles in a day and Abby will see about reducing how often JJ is with me. It’s been a good day and it’s only noon. I smile. It's just a small one, but it is the first real one I have had in a long time. Things finally seem like they are getting better.

I stop closing my door as often. I still have my bad days where I hide in my room, but they are less often than they were before. JJ is still at my house full time. I want her to go home, but I know she won’t. Wednesday afternoon I plop down next to JJ on the couch. “Hey Penelope, what’s up?” She’s become a little less worried about me since Monday. I know that Hotch talked to Abby and must have told JJ about it. I’m glad that she isn’t as worried about me. I have a feeling that she will always worry about me a little bit, but I don’t want it to be all she thinks about.

“JJ, I’m really sorry I’ve worried you so much. I never wanted to worry you.” I say. She just looks at me. She’s not mad at me. “Penelope, I worry because I care about you. I don’t want to lose you. I’ve already lost one person that I love and I don’t want to lose another one.” She says sadly. I know that she’s thinking about her sister. She must really miss her. “Okay. I care about you. The BAU and our family is the main thing that kept me going.” I say with a sigh. “Penelope, they are worried about you. Especially Derek.” She says. I sigh. “I know, but I’m not ready to tell them yet.” I say. She nods. “That’s fine. Take your time. I’m glad you are starting to open up to me and Abby more.” She says with a small smile.

The next two weeks go by quickly. I go to therapy and open up completely to Abby. It feels really good to get stuff off of my chest. JJ knows some of what I’ve been through. She’s still living at my house, but it no longer bugs me. I want to go back to work so badly. I’m not ready to tell the team what’s been going on, but I want to go back to coding and helping people.

One night I steal JJs computer and do some coding on it. It feels so good and relaxing. JJ walks in on me when I’m doing it and smiles. She doesn’t say anything, just leaves me to do my thing. The next day I go to therapy. I have a small smile on my face. I go back to her office. “Hey Abby.” I say. She looks up. “Hey Penelope, what’s up?” She notices the smile on my face. “I did some coding last night.” She frowns. “Penelope, was it for the BAU?” She asks. “No. I didn’t look at any cases.” I say. She relaxes. “That’s good. How do you feel about JJ still living with you?” She asks curiously. I shrug. “It’s fine. I don’t really care about it.” I reply. She smiles. “Okay. I think it’s time for JJ to stop living with you.” She says. “What?” I say with shock. “Yeah. You’re doing really well and have opened up a lot. I feel like you would be able to reach out to someone if you were having a really hard time.” She says. “Okay. That sounds good.” I reply happily. “Now, have you thought about telling the rest of the team about your depression?” She asks. I sigh. “I don’t know. I know that I need to tell them at some point, but I don’t think I’m ready yet.” She nods.

I walk out of her office in a good mood. Hotch is sitting in the waiting room. “Hey Penelope, you look good.” He says with a smile. “Thanks Hotch. It’s been a good couple of days.” I say happily. Hey looks at me with a look I haven’t seen from him ever. Relief. He can tell that things are getting better and knows that I’m at a better place in my life. Abby comes out. “Hey Hotch.” She says with a small smile. “Hey Abby. I see that things are going well.” He replies. “Yeah, lets go talk in my office.” They walk away. I walk to the elevator with a little more energy in my step. The elevator stops at the floor the BAU is on to let people off. I make eye contact with Derek for a second or two and then the doors close.

When I get home, I find JJ on the phone. I sit on the couch until she gets off the phone. She comes in and sits down. “Hey Penelope, that was Hotch.” She says a little sadly. I look at her in confusion. “I thought you would be thrilled to go home.” I say quietly. She sighs. “I am thrilled to go home, but not because I want to be apart from you. I’m thrilled because it means that you are doing better. I’ve really enjoyed being with you.” She looks at me. I nod. “That makes sense. I’ve enjoyed having you here as well, but I’m ready to be on my own again. Even if it’s only to prove to myself that I can be.” I say. She nods and gives me a side hug. “I understand. I’ll leave tomorrow.” She says sadly.

That night, me and JJ just hang out. We both know that it's going to feel weird for a while. We have been living together for almost a month. I know that this is an amazing step in my journey. Later in the evening, Derek texts me. It’s short and sweet. It simply says ‘Hey baby girl. It was good to see you today.’ It makes me smile. I sigh in confusion. I want to tell him, but I’m still afraid of how he is going to react. I know that I am going to have to tell the team at some point. I know that in order to do it, I’m going to have to tell Derek first.

JJ leaves the next morning. It feels really weird to be in my house alone. The next couple of weeks go slowly. Mostly all I do is go to therapy. JJ and Hotch check up on me, but they know I’m doing okay. It takes a month after JJ left for me to be okay with the idea of telling Derek about what I’ve been going through. I know that I’m going to need Abby’s help if I am going to be able to do it.

On Thursday, I go to therapy. “Hey Abby.” I say as I plop down. She looks at me confused. My voice lost the excitement it had last time. “Hey Penelope, what’s going on?” She asks cautiously. I sigh. “I am super bored. I want to go back to work so badly.” I whine. She smiles. “Not yet Penelope, I’m not sure if you are ready to.” She says gently. I sigh. “Okay.” I say. “Have you put any more thought into telling the team about your depression?” She asks. I sigh. “I know that I need to tell Derek before I tell the rest of the team.” I say. “Okay, do you know when you want to do that?” She asks. I sigh. “Can we do it now?” I ask quietly. “Sure. If you want to do that, we can. Do you want to do it in here?” She knows that this is going to be hard. “Yeah.” I say. “Okay. I’ll call him.”

She picks up the phone and finds his number. “Hey Derek. I was wondering if you could come to my office?” She says. There’s a pause. “No, nothing's wrong.” There’s another pause. “See you soon.” She hangs up. He’s on his way up. I nod. Her door is knocked on a couple of minutes later. She opens the door to him. When he sees that I am in there, he smiles, but I can tell that he's still worried and sad. “Hey baby girl.” He says. He chokes on his words. “Hey. I have something to tell you.” I say. I’m nervous. He takes a seat. “What’s up?” He says with concern. I take a deep breath. “Derek, I have depression.” I say. He takes a minute to process. “Thank you for telling me baby girl. Is there anything I can do to help?” He says. “Just don’t treat me differently?” I ask. He smiles. “Of course. You’re my baby girl and nothing changes that. Are you worried that I’m going to treat you differently?” He asks with confusion. I nod. “Penelope, depression is a part of you. It isn’t all of who you are. You are still the same person that I know and love.” He says with certainty. “Okay. Thank you.”He leaves after that and I sigh with relief. Abby looks at me. “How did that feel?” She asks. “It felt really good.” I say with a smile. “Good. I will see you on Monday.” She says. I get up and leave.

The next week on Thursday, I walk out of therapy to see both Derek and Hotch sitting in the lobby. “Hey guys, what’s up?” I ask nervously. “I’m really glad you told me baby girl.” Derek says. I can tell that he has been hurting not knowing what’s been going on with me. Hotch looks at me with pride. “I’m going to talk to Abby and see about you coming back to work after your Monday session.” He says. I look at him with surprise. “I’m not really sure If I’m ready for that.” I say. “Just think about it okay?” Hotch says with a smile.

The next few days I spend my time trying to figure out how I feel about going back to work. I know that I want to, but I’m still not sure I’m ready to. On Monday, I go to therapy, knowing that we are going to talk about going back to work. “Hey Abby. I say with a sigh. “Hey Penelope. I heard Hotch talked to you about going back to work. How do you feel about that?” She asks. I sigh. “I want to go back, but I don’t know if I am ready to. I feel like I’m still not stable enough to go back to work.” I say. She smiles. “Penelope, two months ago, you couldn’t tell anyone about your depression. Look at where you are now.” She says. I pause and think about what she said. “True, but going back to work means that I deal with cases again.” I say with a sigh. “Are you worried about them triggering you?” She asks gently. “Yeah. You know how much I’ve been through with my family. Some of the cases are really hard for me to deal with.”

She nods. “Do you think you would be able to use your coping skills or reach out when things are getting worse?” She asks. I shrug. “Penelope, I know things with your family haven’t been easy for a while now. I also know that you felt like you found a family when you joined the BAU.” She replies. “Yeah, I have. Which makes it hard. I don’t know if I’m ready to face them yet. I haven’t talked to some of them since this stuff started.” I say. “Okay. What if you did something else with them before you went back to work? Something fun that you all enjoy. That way you could see them and get more comfortable with them before you have to deal with cases as well?” She asks. “That might work. I guess I’m just scared to see them again.” I say with a sigh. “Why are you scared to see them?” She asks. I sigh and roll my eyes. She’s really annoying right now. “Because I kept all of them out of what has been going on with me. If they are my family, then I should have been honest with them.” She looks at me. I know that she’s going to play devil's advocate. “They are your family. The should be understanding of what’s been going on. Family doesn’t have to be blood. It just has to be someone who will support you.” She says. I smile slightly. “Okay, I’ll think about doing something with them.” I say. “Okay, I’ll see you on thursday.”

I get up and leave. In the lobby, I stop. I know that if something is going to happen, I’m going to need JJ to be there. For that to happen, I’m going to have to get Hotch to help me set it up.I could text her. Or I could just stop by her office. I know they are not on a case right now. I guess I’m going to have to face the BAU again at some point. I take the elevator and get off at the BAU floor. I walk up to the doors and stop. I decide that I should talk to Hotch first. I take a deep breath and pull the doors open. I don’t stop to talk to anyone. I walk straight to Hotch’s office. I knock on his door. “Come in.” I open the door and he glances up. When he sees that it's me, he quickly closes the folder. It’s probably case related and I’m still not cleared for duty.

He looks up at me. “Hey Penelope, what's up?” He asks confused. I take a seat. This is going to take a while. “I want to have a get together before I go back to work, but I’m not sure how to set it up. I feel weird asking people.” I say with a sigh. He thinks for a little while. “We could have it at my place and I could invite everyone.” I sigh. “That would be amazing. When do you think we could do it?” I ask. “Well, right now we are not on a case. Who knows when that’s going to change. Let's do it tomorrow night.” He says. I nod. “Thank you Hotch.” “No problem.”

While I’m waiting for the elevator, Derek walks up to me. “Hey baby girl, whats up?” “Just went to talk to Hotch.” I say with a sigh. “Okay. Everything alright?” He asks. “Yeah. its fine.” I sigh. Luckily the elevator comes then. Derek gets on it with me. We ride in silence. I’m really glad when we get off.

I go home and fall on the couch. I’m not sure I’m ready for this. I know it has to happen at some point. The rest of the day, I just watch tv. The next morning I wake up anxious. I do not want to go to this get together. I know it will be good to see them. I’m just not sure I’m ready to. I sigh and get out of bed. I take a shower for ½ an hour. I cry most of the time I’m in the shower. I decide that I need to talk to Abby about this. I get ready to go and drive to the FBI. I manage to get up to her floor without running into anyone.

I knock on her door. She opens it and looks concerned. “Penelope, what’s up?” I sigh. “I don’t know if I can do this.” I mumble. “Do what?” She asks with curiosity. “Go see my team members again.” I say quietly. She nods. “When are you seeing them?” “Tonight.” I sigh. “Okay, what’s the worst thing that could happen?” She asks. I sigh. “They could all be upset at me and not want to talk to me.” I say with a sigh. She looks at me with a look that makes me reconsider. “Are you sure about that?” She asks. I sigh. “No. I’m pretty sure they will care about me and be happy to see me.” I say with a sigh. She nods. “Are you worried about them asking where you have been?” She asks. I nod quickly. “Okay, I understand not knowing how to answer them. You don’t have to tell them what’s been going on.” She says. I look at her annoyed. “They deserve to know. They care about me and have been worried.” I say annoyed. “Penelope, it’s up to you, but you need to be comfortable with them. How about telling them that you have been taking time for yourself? Eventually you can tell them the truth if you want.” She says. I nod. “I think I can do that.” She smiles. “Feel better?” “Somewhat. I think I’m ready to do this now.” I say. “Okay, I’ll see you in a couple of days.” She says. I nod and get up and walk out.

That evening, I go over to hotch's house. I get there before anyone else. “Hey Hotch, is everyone coming?” I ask nervously. “Yeah. Neither JJ or Derek have told any of them what has actually been going on. It’s up to you how much you tell them.” He says confidently. I nod. The doorbell rings. Hotch goes and gets it and JJ walks back in with him. “Penelope, I didn’t expect to see you here.” She says surprised. I smile. Hotch chuckles. “This was her idea.” Hotch says. JJ looks at me in amazement. “You’re ready to see everyone again?” She asks. I nod. “Yeah, I am.” The doorbell rings again. When Hotch returns, Emily and Dave are with him. When Dave sees me, he gives me a big hug. “It’s good to see you kiddo. How have you been?” He asks kindly. “It's good to see you as well. I’ve been doing pretty well. How have you been?” I say with a smile. He smiles at me. “I’ve been pretty good. It’s great to see you.” He says.

Once everyone gets there, we eat dinner. The rest of the night is upbeat and relaxed. I don’t tell them what’s been going on. I just tell them that I’ve been taking some time for myself. Everyone is happy to see me. We end up hanging out late in to the night. We laugh and tell jokes. We talk about what I’ve missed in people's personal lives. I leave feeling happy and content. I haven’t felt this way in a long time. It’s a weird feeling. It’s nice, just weird. I know that this what a healthy life is like. Hanging out with friends, feeling happy, having fun.

The next day I just hang out at home. I’m so bored. On Thursday I go to therapy. Once I take a seat on the couch, we start talking. “Hey Penelope, how was it seeing your coworkers?” She asks in an upbeat tone. “It was good. They were all happy to see me.” I say with a small smile. “That’s good. Do you feel more comfortable being around them now?” She asks. “Yes. It felt really good to be with them.” I say with a smile. She nods. “Do you think you are ready to go back to work?” She asks. I look at her for a little bit. “Yeah, I guess.” I say slowly. “Good. I think that you are as well. As long as you continue to see me, you are cleared for duty.” She says with a big smile. I smile. “Thank you Abby.” I say softly. “Don’t thank me. You did all of the work. I’ll let Hotch know today. Also, you still have to see me. You can’t skip just because I cleared you for duty.” She says sternly. I laugh. “Okay. I promise I will still come.” I say. “Good. Now, I’ll see you on Monday.” She says with a small smile. I nod and leave.

I go home in a good mood. I’m cleared for duty. That means I can go back to work. It means that I don’t have to be home alone all the time anymore. Hotch texts me that night and asks when I want to start again. I tell him that I’ll start on Monday after I see Abby. That gives me the weekend to get used to the fact that I’m going back to work. Friday and the weekend I just hang out at home. JJ comes over and we watch a movie and order pizza.

On monday, I pack my bag for work. I go to the FBI and go see Abby. “Hey Penelope, did you start back to work yet?” She says with a small smile. “No. I’m starting today.” I say. “How do you feel about that?” She asks. “I’m nervous. I know that my coworkers care about me and want to see me. Yet I’m still worried about what they think of me.” I say with a sigh. She nods. “Do you really have anything to worry about?” She asks. I sigh. “I guess not. I know that everything will be fine, but I worry that it won’t.” I say. “It’s okay to be worried. Just don’t let it control you or what you do.” She says. “Okay. I think I’m ready for this.” I say. “Alright. I’ll be here all day, so if you need to talk just come on up. Otherwise I’ll see on Thursday.” She says. “Okay. I’ll see you later.” I get up and take the elevator down to the BAU.

I walk to my office and turn on the lights. The last time I was in here I cried so much. I just stand there and take it in for a couple of minutes. My door opens pulling me back to reality. Hotch walks in. He’s smiling. I know that he’s proud of me. “Hey. If you need to at any point feel free to go talk to Abby.” He says. I know that he’s trying to make this as easy for me as possible. I nod. “Thanks Hotch.” I say. “Anyway, we have a case.” He says with tension. “Okay.” I say. I follow him into the conference room.

Two months later

Things have been going pretty well. I’m down to seeing Abby once a week instead of twice. I’ve been coping with working cases really well. Nothing has been too triggering. I hang out with my coworkers. I don’t hide behind my mask of happiness anymore. My coworkers are okay with that and realize that being happy all the time isn’t the real me. I’m okay with being a little more open now. JJ comes over every couple of days when she isn’t working a case.

The next case we get is a really bad one. The couple was forced to kill themselves. Hotch leaves JJ behind and I know it’s for my sake. She hangs out in my office for a while. My depression is pretty bad and I know it has to do with this case. Once JJ leaves, I lock the door so I can just be alone for a little bit. I just sit there staring into space. I’m trying not to break down in tears. It doesn’t work. I end up crying. I hate that I’m crying again. JJ knocks on my door. “Penelope, let me in please.” she says with worry. I get up and open the door for her. She can see I’m crying. “Penelope, go talk to Abby.” she states. I nod and walk to the elevator.

When I get to her office, I knock. She opens the door immediately. “Hey Penelope, what's going on?” She asks with worry. I plop down on the couch. I’m crying and not talking. “Penelope, does this have to do with the case you're working?” She wonders. I nod. “Okay, do you want to tell me about it?” She asks gently. I take a deep breath and talk through the tears. “The couple was forced to kill themselves.” I shutter. “Okay, how has this case made you feel?” She asks. I look at her and roll my eyes. “Seriously? How do you think it has made me feel?” I say with sarcasm. She raises an eyebrow. I sigh. “It’s been really hard and it’s bringing back things I hadn’t thought about in a while.” I continue to cry. She nods.

“Do you think it would be a good idea to hand this case off to someone else?” She asks. I know that she's worried about me. “No.” I say sternly. “Why not? There’s nothing wrong with asking for help Penelope.” She says softly. “I’m going to have to deal with hard cases. I can’t hand them off to someone else every time it's hard.” I say annoyed. “Penelope, its one case, not the rest of your career.” I roll my eyes at her. “I don’t want to have to give up any of them. I want to be able to deal with them. I managed to do it before, I know I can do it again.” I say sternly. She gives me a look that says ‘seriously, is this how you want to play it?’ I sigh. “I know how I dealt with things before wasn’t the right way to do it. I just want to be able to prove that I’m okay and can do my job.” I state. “Who are you trying to prove that to? You’ve been working cases for two months now. All of your coworkers that i’ve talked to are proud of you. They can see that you are meant for this job.” I sigh. “I guess I’m trying to prove it to myself. That I can be good enough at something.” I say. “Penelope, you work for the FBI. It’s one of the hardest places to get accepted at. Why do they think they chose you?” She asks. I shrug. “I don’t really know.” She makes eye contact with me. “They chose you because you are the best at what you do.” I let it sink in for a little bit. “Okay.” I say. “Do you believe me?” She asks. I nod. “Alright. Do you think you’re okay to go back to work?” She wonders. “Yes, I do.” I say confidently. “Okay. Come back up if you need to talk more.” She says. I nod as I get up and leave.

After talking to her, I feel better. The rest of the case is tough. I manage to get through it. It’s painful and I cry more than I thought I would. Yet I make it through. The case ends with the bad guy being killed when he tried to shoot Derek. I feel a little bit better knowing that he isn’t alive anymore and can’t hurt people that way again. The whole case brought up memories for me that I didn’t really want to deal with. I know that I’m always going to have memories and feelings that I don’t want to deal with. This case proved that I am able to deal with whatever comes my way. For the first time in a long time I feel content with who I am and what version of myself I show to the world.

#cmbingo19 #Penelope Garcia #aaron hotchner #Jennifer Jareau #derek morgan #Criminal Minds #Criminal Minds Fanfiction #therapy #depression #Suicide #self harm

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whetstonefires · 6 years

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how do you think the batfam mightve progressed if jason never died?

Whaa, 4 asks at once? I’m sorry I still haven’t gotten back on the last one, I thought I was unstuck but guess what, I wrote myself into a pretty little corner by being all ‘I don’t care about what’s canon! i’m just gonna have fun!’ which is the correct approach except then you find out the thing you made up is incorrect and idk how to deal with that. being wrong. it’s a life skill i’m still working on.

So like, if the vote had gone the other way...it depends so much on the writing and editing teams, and so little on real causality, it’s hard to frame a picture?

Jason was created as an alternative to aging Dick down and taking him out of the Titans; his new character origin after the Crisis on Infinite Earths barely got out of its shakedown tour before they killed him off. We know who he was enough to spot the major character derailments, but who he might have been? It’s hard to say.

If he’d made it through the vote, the noisy fans would still have hated him, and so would the man writing his comics. I doubt Starlin would ever have convinced DC to do the HIV plotline with Robin like he reportedly tried, but I feel like Something Bad remained likely.

The 90s are known for their grimdarkness for a reason, and Jason just missed living through them. I feel like his odds of going villain were pretty high anyway, not because of him but because of the constant need for drama fuel. I mean, Alfred had a villain phase, in the 60s.

Babs became Oracle almost simultaneous with the Robin trade-off, debuted the same month Jason died (January ‘89), so that still would have happened. Tim’s influence on her was very slight.

Without Tim, there would have been no need for Steph, since she was created partly as a love interest but more importantly as a foil, and a way of getting more of that high-energy feeling traditionally associated with Robin back into the story even though so many of the fans loathed it and refused to have it in their lead.

(Not that Tim didn’t have a lot of it anyway, but it wasn’t his core feel the way it had been for Dick and Jason. Possibly of note, the ‘87 Killing Joke and ‘89 Batman movie also marked a rise in the use of Joker as Batman’s main dramatic foil rather than Robin, which coupled with the Bronze Age in general really shaped Tim’s character direction. It’s hard to say what caused what, with these trends.)

They might have introduced a girl anyway, to replace Babs. Maybe even a version of Cass. Shiva stated under interrogation during ADitF that she had no child, but in comics terms that half-guaranteed she’d get one eventually, because the concept was now out there.

I doubt Jason would have gotten his own series in the 90s, considering his screaming hatedom and the fact that it took three extremely successful mini-series to get Tim a regular title, but if DC had managed to repackage his character into something that the 90s liked and he had made a go of it, he’d probably have acquired a completely different supporting cast. He might well have continued his pattern of acquiring moms. Maybe even Talia. The whole Sheila thing would have been a half-forgotten backstory subplot by like ‘94 probably.

It occurs to me after typing all of this that you might want to hear my ideas about what in-universe causality might logically have led to, lmao. Let’s see.

Jason’s adolescence was hitting a rocky stage that I doubt this betrayal and near-death experience and technical bereavement would have ended, though it would probably have hit harder than his last few near-death experiences even assuming another improbable complete recovery.

If we up the realism dial a little, he might be forced into retirement by the severity of his wounds. He’d still have to hash out his trust issues with Bruce, probably more than ever. Being a shit communicator was not yet a key part of Bruce’s personality; they might have sorted things out.

Jason would not have dropped out of college. If he’s retired, he goes into a prestigious but helping-centered field with an understanding that he is now the son Bruce trusts to step up to keep WE on the straight and narrow after he dies; inheritance of voting shares may be structured around this expectation.

(Dick experiences that really complicated hypocritical jealousy where you specifically rejected a thing, but it spent so long being marked yours that you feel robbed anyway when someone else gets it. Not a lot of it in the disability scenario, because there’s a distinct vibe of consolation prize there, but otherwise.)

Babs would still have been Oracle. It would have been a less fraught launch, though.

Dick might not have heard about the Ethiopia thing at all, if Jason made a full recovery, considering how little communication was passing between him and Bruce at that point. Dick’s level of Batcomputer access only stated Jason as ‘location unknown’ when he was dead, so.

He and Jason got along fine, regardless of retcons since then, but he was under a lot of stress from a lot of sources, and the feeling that he couldn’t go home even when he really needed to, because he’d been replaced, was very present. That might well have blown up at some point.

I tend to think of Bruce as having changed pretty dramatically as a result of Jason’s death, disregarding a lot of retcons, but I mean, 1987 Bruce already failed to notice Dick having a mental breakdown right in front of him and put him off in favor of hero work with Jason on Dick’s birthday, he just did it cheerfully and with fairly courteous wording. There was a trend in the faildad direction starting already.

There was a lot of relationship stuff in need of fixing and in some ways Jason’s presence made that as hard for Dick with Bruce as Damian’s later did for Tim, even though there was a lot less drama and intentional emotional violence and attempted murder involved. So. That could have gone a lot of ways. Realistically, even without Tim trying to play peacemaker, Dick always gets dragged back into Bruce’s orbit, though. That’s narrative causality at work, but also psychology.

In-universe, Tim can be assumed to have already existed before Wolfman invented him. He’s mostly away at boarding school, but he’s nosy and well-intentioned and he Knows. If Jason ran away more comprehensively than the Great Mom Tour, he might approach him with an argument for why Batman needed Robin and he should go home. Or there would eventually have been a case where he knew something they didn’t and attempted to subtly pass information and got noticed.

Or Oracle’s expanding field of awareness would have eventually noticed him and his zoom-lens one summer evening while his parents were in Haiti getting dead. Idk.

He’d probably have gotten mixed up in Bat-things eventually, and if it wasn’t before the Haiti thing there’s no way Batman would have been invested enough in this random disappearance to be there in time to help, so he’d have been completely orphaned at 13. Bruce taking him in is reasonably likely, since he wasn’t exactly in a position to create himself a fake uncle at the time. On the other hand, he might have gone into foster care. His parent’s company still would have crashed without them, so he wouldn’t have inherited much, but he’d have been better off than most kids in the system because he’d have some assets.

Steph is even more guaranteed to hit the vigilante scene. Bruce would be a lot friendlier to her without Jason death issues for her to trigger, though that doesn’t mean he’d actually be friendly, and Jason would like her, and possibly communicate more effectively than Tim did about how she could not die, or possibly they’d have egged each other on into steadily more unwise behavior.

On the other hand, depending on where Jason’s character development went after surviving Ethiopia, he might at 17 find 15-year-old Steph indescribably annoying precisely because they have so much in common, and lash out at her as a proxy for his younger self, and be kind of awful.

Cataclysm breaks causality to even acknowledge anymore because they rushed on from it like massive chumps, but Jason would have been a good Robin to have for it. He’d have been pretty tall by then, and he’s got the mental tools for surviving in an unfriendly urban environment where money is useless. I think he and Cass would have gotten on well, they have compatible personalities. The only major issue I can see is if Bruce or Babs got really positive about her and triggered some kind of jealousy or possessiveness issue.

We don’t really have any specific data at all from before Jason died about how he would cope with a rival for something he felt entitled to but insecure about--he deferred very nicely to Dick as his elder, but Dick wasn’t actually a threat to anything Jason valued. Assuming later canon is applicable, jealousy would be a definite issue with any additional family members, though I assume without the risk of homicide.

Okay here is an after-midnight hour of my half-baked opinions. You asked for it! ;DDD

#ask #answer #jason todd #batfam #dc comics #superheroes #hoc est meum #my dumb opinions #kuppatan

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nitewrighter · 6 years

Text

Aedan ‘n Rei’s Oasis Adventure Part 2: Everything Goes to Shit

Continued from this.

---

The two of them bought their kibbeh from a street vendor and returned to the gardens, talking and eating and looking around the Abu Hassoun gardens.

“Beautiful, aren’t they?” said Aedan as Rei leaned close to a sprig of orchids hanging off a garden wall, varying not only in color but in shape, and on the same plant. “Grown, not grafted, by the way,” Aedan added, “The tough part is editing the mycorrhizae.”

“Myco-what?” said Rei,

“Mycorrhizae. See-- on their own, orchid seeds aren’t strong enough to actually sustain themselves for germination. You actually need a fungus, known as a mycorrhiza, to provide carbon for it to grow. You need to make the mycorrhiza adaptive, but not invasive--they’re made for each other, in that sense.”

“So it’s symbiotic. You have to edit two species for it to grow,” said Rei, looking up from the orchid.

Aedan smiled, “Precisely,” he said.

“A botanist and a geneticist,” said Rei, with a grin.

“An intern,” said Aedan with a slight eye roll, “And--” he gestured at the orchid, “That one isn’t mine. I did try to make my own, but mine ended up a bit more finicky and...” he rubbed the back of his neck, “...miserably ugly and carnivorous.”

“Carnivorous?” Rei snickered.

“I realized my soil was too acidic and may have gotten a bit over-ambitious and thrown some Dionaea DNA,” said Aedan, “It was back to pipetting grunt work after that.”

Tired of being on their feet, the two of them opted to sit on a bench on a high walkway stretching over the gardens, eating their kibbeh.

“So, an intern, huh?” said Rei, wiping a bit of bulgur from the corner of her mouth.

“Of a sort,” said Aedan, “It’s like... independent studies, really. I don’t think I’ve ever been in a proper classroom my whole life.”

“You’re not missing too much,” said Rei, “Half of my classes are online anyway, and when I’m done with them...” she trailed off.

“...University?” offered Aedan.

“I’m looking at a few,” said Rei. There was a quiet beat as she took another bite of her kibbeh.

“You haven’t been talking a lot,” said Aedan, “I feel I’ve been talking your ear off.”

“Well, to be fair, your accent is very cute,” said Rei, “And it turns out if I look at science-y things long enough, I get to hear more of it.”

“That’s--” Aedan nearly inhaled a bit of bulgur and coughed and cleared his throat, “I’m--thank-thank you.” he sighed, “It’s just... there’s... a lot going on up here,” Aedan gestured next to his head, “I don’t mean that in a ‘ooh look at me, I’m so clever’ it’s... mostly a lot of overlapping nattering things... like... what I’m doing right now..”

“It’s fine, really,” Rei touched his arm before biting into her kibbeh.

“But... there... there aren’t a lot of people my age where I study. I don’t mean to dump everything on you all at once,” said Aedan.

“Aedan, I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t want to be,” said Rei, “I never get to just... do stuff like this.”

“...I don’t follow,” said Aedan.

“Just... meet someone and run around with them,” said Rei, “The people I grew up with they’re... they’re good they’re just... protective.” Rei itched at the brim of her hat, “Really protective,” she muttered.

“Mum can get the same way,” said Aedan, taking a bite as well.

“And now, I’m seventeen--and it’s like... I can’t wait to just... get out--but I also have no idea what I’m going to do with myself,” said Rei.

He gave a glance at the Oasis university towering in the distance. “You ever have an interest in the sciences?”

Rei shrugged. “A little bit, I guess. I don’t know...” she took another bite of kibbeh and thought as she chewed, then swallowed, “My parents, they’re always talking about how their families and the Omnic Crisis put them on a path that they were never sure they wanted. They always tell me they want me to be able to choose but it’s like... I know what they don’t want for me, but as far as what I want...” she trailed off and stuffed the last of her kibbeh in her mouth. “Arm I merkig since?” she said with her mouth full.

“Yeah, it makes sense,” Aedan was already crumpling up the empty paper that once held his kibbeh, “What do they do for a living?”

“Mom’s a doctor, Dad’s in security,” said Rei, tossing her paper into a nearby trashcan, “We travel a lot.”

“I know how that is,” said Aedan, tossing his balled-up paper as well, but missing bouncing off the side At that point one of the numerous hovering research and maintenance drones that floated through the area around Oasis’ university that was moseying by stopped, turned, and extended a robotic claw to pick up and drop the fallen piece of paper in the trash. “Fussy little things,” said Aedan as the drone continued on its way.

“I think they’re cute,” said Rei, smiling.

“Probably on its way to the Ministry of Geology...” said Aedan, “Those ones are always more sluggish...”

“Is someone controlling them or are they on a set path?”

“Usually one or several are assigned to a scientist or their assistants who can input various commands, send them on errands, what have you....” Aedan paused, then his eyes lit up and he suddenly got to his feet, “...do you want to see something fun?” he said, looking over his shoulder at her.

Rei grinned.

---

“I mean... officially the Ministry of Tourism states they aren’t safe for humans, but I would add the correction that they aren’t safe for stupid humans,” said Aedan as Rei looked at the glowing green pad in front of them, “They were designed to get drones around the city faster, get them up to higher walkways and to transport mag-streams quickly and easily. But they never could design a propulsion effect this powerful that would only work on the drones, so as a result---”

“It’s a jump pad,” said Rei.

“I--” Aedan itched at his temple, “Well, yes, basically. University students use it all the time if they’re late to labs, and I’ve used it plenty of times, and it hasn’t hurt me, even if you stay in the stream--the propulsion’s enough to counteract any impact effects.” He took a step toward the pad, “I mean... you don’t have to if you don’t want to---”

“Pfft. You think I’m scared?” said Rei, putting her hands on her hips.

“Good to hear,” said Aedan as Rei stepped alongside him. “All right, three, two...”

They both leapt onto the jump pad. Rei’s feet didn’t even touch the ground when they were suddenly hurtling straight up. She whooped and laughed as the ground suddenly shot down and she felt a warm desert wind in her face as they reached the apex of their skyward shot. She felt the adrenaline spike through her system as they started falling down, then gave a glance to Aedan. She was falling. Her body knew falling, but this time the Valkyrie wings weren’t there to catch her. Her hat flew off and upward with their tumble, and her hair was whipping around wildly as they fell down.

“Aedan--!?” she started, having to shout over the rush of air. Aedan just grabbed her hand.

“It’s okay!” he shouted back at her, “Trust me!”

Rei squeezed his hand as the ground rushed up to meet them, but rather than feeling every bone in her shatter on impact there was simply a shoomp sound and they were shooting skyward once again. A sputter of giggles escaped Rei and she let go of his hand and he snatched her hat from the air, which was drifting down from where it blew off her head. “Hey! Watch this!” she shouted at their zenith. She did several flips and twists in their descent before righting herself just before they hit the propulsors and shot up again. She backflipped this time, twisting and jackknifing before righting herself once again.

“Iontach!” he shouted above the roar of the air, half-drowned out by the shoomp of the jump pad.

“Eenta?” Rei shouted back at him.

He made a hand waving gesture as they descended again. Within the next few leaps, Aedan was flipping and twisting as well and eventually Rei lost count of how many ascents and descents they made, the world turning to a dizzing vertical blur around her. Adrenaline had a way of making you lose track of time.

“Hey!” a shout came from below and both of them, at the peak of their height looked down to see an impatient student with a research drone under her arm.

“Dismount at the next jump?” said Aedan.

Rei nodded. There was one last shoomp as they hit the jump pad and Rei pushed herself forward at an angle. Aedan managed to land on his feet on the upper walkway, dusting himself off.

“Well, that was a good start to the afternoon, where to nex--”

Rei crashed into him from above, knocking him to the ground with a grunt.

“Sorry! Sorry!” Rei said, stumbling off of him.

“It’s fine--” he grunted, holding her hat out to her. Both of their hair were wild voluminous messes from the rush of wind, and they snickered at each other’s appearance.

“That was fun,” said Rei, doing her best to put her hat back on.

“You take to the air very well. I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone use the jump pad like that,” said Aedan, “Like you were born to fly.”

“Oh--I just...” Rei reddened, “I... I’ve never--” she cleared her throat, “Uh, thanks.”

“You know--The Ministry of Transport has plenty of experimental individual flight programs here, you could--” He caught himself, “I mean-- that is, if you have time during the conference...” he trailed off, “Will you be leaving right after?”

Rei tucked some of her hair back and pocketed her hands in her dress, “Well... Mom and dad’s work is pretty... demanding.”

“Same with my Mum,” said Aedan, stepping toward the edge of the walkway and folding his arms. He seemed thoughtful. “But you should have the opportunity, at least.”

“Opportunity?”

“I know someone in the Ministry of Transportation. Nahia Ghali. She could always use an intern. I mean... you know for when you complete your secondary schooling and you have any interest in... in uh...” he gestured out at Oasis, at the hanging gardens, the grand towering university, “...here. Just an introduction, business cards, that sort of thing.”

“You... want me to stay here?” said Rei.

Aedan rubbed the back of his neck, “I mean--if you want--you should have the option. You should have people you know here.”

Rei put her hands on her hips and gave him a skeptical half smile.

“...and you found my rabbit,” said Aedan with a shrug, “If I lose him again and you’re not here, well--what then, you know?”

Rei snickered.

“I’ll introduce you to Nahia,” said Aedan, already walking, “Nothing binding. Just a contact.”

“Well, lead the way Mr. Connections,” said Rei, walking after him.

---

They took a hover tram back to the university together, each sharing a bud of Aedan’s earphones on the way over to listen to music. His music was ancient, not even Reinhardt listened to stuff that old, but somehow the wailing saxophone and the warbles of “Whooooo can I be noooooow you found me?” seemed to fit the lighting of the sun glinting on the university. It was comforting, in its strangeness. She leaned her head on his shoulder as they listened before the tram came to a stop. They entered the main building, and walked into an elevator.

“Which floor?” said Rei.

“Here, let me--” Aedan brought his wrist under a scanner just below the button panel, revealing a stylized blacklight QR code tattoo no bigger than a thumbnail on the underside of his wrist. The elevator dinged and started moving up.

“...convenient,” said Rei, “Will I have to get one when I come to Oasis?”

“You--? No, a keycard should suffice, for me, it’s just faster when you’re--” he caught himself.

“You’re...?” Rei looked at him expectantly.

“...A VIP,” he said, pocketing his hands.

“Oh, so you’re a VIP!” said Rei, snickering and folding her arms.

“Of a sort,” said Aedan.

“You say ‘Of a sort’ when you don’t like to go into details,” said Rei.

“Well... when saying such details run the risk of me sounding like much more of a pretentious arse then I already am...” Aedan said with a slight smile.

“An Intern VIP,” said Rei.

The elevator dinged and opened to a massive hallway, virtually glowing with high white geometrically patterned columns.

Rei peeked around a column to see a hall full of figures in strange and avant-garde clothing, though there was more than a handful of people wearing suits and more plain yet fashionable clothing--foreign businessmen and women, Rei assumed. She gave a glance down to her own sundress. “...I think I’m underdressed for this, she said, taking her hat off and running a hand through her hair nervously.

“We won’t be here long,” said Aedan, “Just sneaking past to Nahia’s office,” he took her hand and they walked briskly around the outer perimeters of the room.

“Okay so... how VIP are we talking here?” said Rei.

Aedan bit the inside of his lip and sighed. “My Mum’s a Minister.”

“She’s what?”

“I don’t like to make a big deal of it and---Oh---there she is now,” he glanced off and Rei followed his line of sight to a woman with some kind of metallic headress and white, gold and lavender robes, talking to some foreign dignitaries. Aedan waved, and she apparently caught him in the corner of her eye and turned toward them.

Rei’s stomach dropped.

“Minister of Genetics,” Aedan started to explain, “She’s--” he glanced off to his side and saw that Rei was gone. He could only hear the distant desperate slaps of her sandals on the tile floor.

“Rei?” he took off in a run off in the direction of the sound, racing through the columned hall, narrowly shoving past a moseying research drone and several foreign dignitaries to reach the elevator just in time to see Rei desperately hitting a button on the inside panel. The doors of the elevator were closing. He raced forward and was barely able to slip between them as they closed, panting, with Rei standing across from him, eyes wild as the elevator descended

“You’re...” He huffed and buckled over, trying to catch his breath, “You’re really fast. What--what was that back there?!”

“That’s Moira O’Deorain,” said Rei, her voice hollow.

“Well... yes,” said Aedan.

“God--and you have the hair--and the accent--and your face is---I’m so stupid!” Rei pressed her knuckles to her forehead.

“Hey--you’re not stupid,” said Aedan, trying to speak as calmingly as possible.

“She’s your mom---” Rei was pacing back and forth, her fingertips pressed to her forehead.

“...as I’ve said,” said Aedan.

“That--that doesn’t make sense! She’s like, a million!” said Rei.

“Okay, rude,” said Aedan.

“And she’s crazy!” Rei ranted on, “She doesn’t care about people--she doesn’t care about children! She’s a Talon psycho!”

Aedan blanched and his mouth tightened. The elevator suddenly jerked a bit.

“We are experiencing some technical difficulties,” a pleasant female voice spoke over the elevator speakers, “Please stand by.”

“There’s a lot about her work that you don’t understand,” said Aedan.

“What? That she’s backed by a terrorist organization? That she makes bioweapons?” said Rei.

Aedan’s hand curled into a white-knuckled fist at his side. “My mother told me that if you have the resources, if you have the technology, it only makes sense to test the limits of their capabilities,” said Aedan.

“Says the woman who took Angela Ziegler’s work and turned it into something that goes against everything she stands for,” said Rei.

Aedan scoffed, “My mother only took that work to its natural conclusion.”

“She made it suck the life out of people!” Rei snapped, “She’s a monster!”

Aedan’s mouth drew to a thin line. “She took steps forward that Ziegler was too afraid to take. Why are you so offended on her behalf, anyway? it’s not like you--” He stopped and something crossed over his face as he recognized something in hers. Rei suddenly remembered something her father had told her a while back. You have the Shimada look, obviously, he said, But when you’re angry? When you’re angry, you look just like your mother.

The elevator suddenly dinged and shuddered to life again. “Technical issues resolved. Resuming Service. Thank you for your patience,” the cheerful female voice over the elevator spoke.

“’Mom’s a doctor and Dad’s in security,’” Aedan repeated the words she had spoken back to her, “We travel a lot.” He imitated the joking chopping gesture she had made back when they first met in his lab, “’Born to fly,’ ’Ninja,’“ he said quietly.

Rei’s breath caught in her throat.

“It’s you,” Aedan said quietly. Rei flinched at those two simple words and Aedan’s eyes widened. “Talon’s been looking for you for so long...” he said, “And you just... walked right up to me... and I didn’t even...”

The elevator dinged and the doors opened and Rei sprinted out. Aedan ran after her, but quickly lost her in the crowds of the conference. She ran as fast and as hard as she could, racing breaking line of sight by dipping around corners, desperately digging her comm out of the pockets of her dress and calling her mother.

“Rei?” The comm didn’t even make it through the first ring when Mercy picked up, “Is everything--?”

“We need to leave,” said Rei.

“What happ--” Mercy started.

“Please,” Rei said.

“Activating your comm’s beacon. We’ll be right there. Stay safe, sunneschii.”

Rei kept walking, following the flow of the crowd to keep hidden. “Stupid,” she muttered under her breath to herself, “Stupid.”

#Reidan #follow for more Gency kid facts #Moiraspawn

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