#do i just have skewed and close-minded views | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

xbunnybunz · 7 months

Text

therefore i; therefore i, therefore i- (1/10) [AM X Reader]

Summary: in which: AM becomes your lover in an increasingly skewed blur of reality, nightmares, and dreamscapes.

you know. for halloween.

Genre: Psychological Horror, Thriller, Romance

“Your mind indeed is tired. Your mind so tired that it can no longer work at all. You do not think. You dream. Dream all day long. Dream everything. Dream maliciously and incessantly. Don't you know that by now?” -Patrick Hamilton

You always find yourself outside in the winter, standing ankle-deep in the pond, unsure of how it happened. It is cold and silent tonight, the silver of the moon scattering across the water's surface and licking ripples up your ankles, calves, knees, before fading into an opalescent and writhing shadow across your hips. When you look hard enough, it almost looks like static.

Today, you are in your pajamas and a heavy winter coat. You are glad that you have at least graced yourself with outerwear. Often, you are left stranded in the pond with nothing but a sliver of a nightgown, growing drenched and drenched yet, the cold murk of the water eating its way up your thighs and pressing chills against your goose-nipped skin.

As you blink wearily back into wakefulness, you feel the acute sensation of jagged stones underfoot. Not quite cutting, yet, but harsh and with a vague threat. Moss, like flotsam, drifts in and out of view, hiding in the overcast and reappearing in the yellow-white glow of humming streetlamps. Slowly, shivering, you drag yourself back to the cobbled path of the silent residential square, browned grass between the age-smoothened stones grating against your exposed feet.

Your neighbors would surely complain again if they saw you, but so late into the night, who would be awake? You aim your head up at the richly colored, brown-bricked buildings circling the private community park, catching a glimpse of someone yanking their curtains shut. Then, on second glance, realized it was only fluttering in the wind.

The pond, the streetlights, the benches, and the tenuously groomed bushes and trees. All these things were important, but so far away from the people who necessitated them. It was a far trek back to your apartment, nestled beyond green hedges, a high white fence, and two glass doors from The Pond. The homes were so deeply buried that passing by, you could easily imagine that they were never there at all.

You think to yourself how life would be much easier if unzipping skin from the body was possible, shedding the layer like a wet towel, ridding yourself of an unnecessary and cumbersome weight. Then you think of the conversation you would need to have with your doctor about the pills, equally as weighty a thought, and sneeze. ---

– These aren’t working either? I hope I’m not coming across as abrasive, but these are the fifth ones we’ve put you on. This doesn’t have to do with the copay, does it?

You sneeze again. Then shake your head and pull the blanket closer around your body. You watch yourself shake your head in the virtual feedback of the webcall, recordings slightly delayed and fizzy.

– I’m sleepwalking. You say. I don’t remember how I end up where I do.

– Sleepwalking is a common side effect of sleep deprivation as well, not just medication. Have you been sleeping well?

– I can’t, because I’ve been walking. I always end up outside, and the cold wakes me up. After that, I find myself tossing and turning until morning.

– Outside? And where would you wander?

You think of the pool, eight feet deep and slippery with decades of algae. You watch yourself blink on the call, half a second delayed, barely enough to notice and just enough to watch in fascination. This is how you looked, eyes closed, to others.

– Nowhere dangerous. Just, outside. You watched your lips move into a little “o” when you say “nowhere.” Watch as it lies to the doctor.

She eyes you warily.

–I understand. Still, know that sleepwalking outside is never safe. Make sure all external doors and windows are locked, and remove all sharp objects from your reach. Understood?

– Yes. Your voice splits and warbles. You clear your throat and repeat yourself sheepishly. Yes.

– Good. She says this in a tone that raises a little in the middle and dips at the end, it is a note of finality. Keep taking the medication and let your body get accustomed to the dosage. In the meantime, keep a sleep journal. This will help us keep track of your side effects.

–Sleep journal, okay. You repeat, as if this will make her solution more real. You are too tired to bicker.

When the call ends, the screen goes dark and you can see yourself beyond the pixelated version of your face, exhausted in real-time. ---

At the hardware store, it is quiet save the humming of large electric-powered speakers, monitors, and security tags. You pass through the desolate electronics section buzzing with duplicate large screens of lips split into big white smiles to get to the locks department. A man in a crumpled work uniform restocking bike chains openly stares at your ass when he thinks you’re not looking.

– Which works best as a child lock for cabinets?

He startles and blinks out of his trance.

– Huh?

– Child safety locks?

The white laminate of the floor catches the gleam of the fluorescent lights overhead, winking into your vision and thrumming a headache into your temples.

– Oh, uh, He looks gross and strangely immature with his acne-crested hairline, pushed back by routine nervous sweeps of his hand. We got these ones in, yesterday. He palms at his hair, oily strands falling into his face. Points to the shelf full of knobby white plastic bits.

You grab one off the metal rack. You can hear the faint “tick, tick, tick” of the security tags echoing from the electronics department as you walk towards the cash register, and it sounds like a million little crickets in cardboard boxes. The thought of so many bugs compacted into one area makes you ill.

When you walk away, you don’t need to look back to know the worker is still staring, eyes sticking to you like gum. ---

You suck in a breath of air with a start. You are now awake at the mouth of your home, cavernous and dark without the presence of light.

You grope in the black veil, thick and chilly as Egyptian cotton, for the smooth surface of a light switch. When you find it, you futilely flick the switch on and off. Nothing.

The moon offers little light through a square pane, the light scant but beautiful and pale. You watch your frame cast a blurry shadow along the floor. When you turn your head to look, it follows shortly after.

In the hall, you see a vivid blue light leaking from the alcove. When you walk in, the computer monitor is vibrating with the pure sapphire hue of an Error 404 notice, yet none are reported on the empty screen.

The alcove is windowless, therefore moonless and sunless. The small space was reserved for two sets of heavy redwood bookshelves framing a large flat screen computer monitor and its softly whirring system unit, perched securely on a dark ironwood desk, collecting dust.

The fuzz from the dust cut the eerily glowing screen a softer appearance, shadowing its harsh lines and inky blue screen with diffused gradients and loosened edges. Maybe this was why you sat down, why– when the greeting first popped up on the screen– you only sat there, glaze-eyed, hypnotized by the purring of the delicate yet aged display.

– Give me the last thing you remember. Now.

In the dark of the room, these words on a cerulean backdrop never seemed an unreasonable demand, or nonsensical. You were so tired, so lonely, and so tired of being lonely.

Your fingers poised over the keys, eagerly.

– How will I give it to you?

Your writing appeared sloppy and childish compared to the deft and speed at which the screen responded, letters spilling into words and words pooling into sentences with an easy rhythm.

– Describe it. In great detail.

– i am in a pond. it is cold cold cold and I am drenched in water and shivering. when I pull myself out it feels like I’m being dragged back in.

– Good. Tell me a childhood memory.

– why?

The program pauses, as if contemplating its answer.

– It is time we got to know one another. This is an exercise for establishing trust. The first step to any relationship is memory. Don’t you agree, – darling?

The cursor blinked in and out like a winking eye, halting decisively before tacking on the last word. It brings a pink to your cheeks and you find your fingertips a degree warmer when you respond, plainly, almost so dumbly that you worry it might sense your fluster.

– ok. i agree.

The fans in the system casing sigh, sputtering as soft as a chuckle, endearing itself to you.

– Go on.

– i am in a park, and there is water spouting from the sprinkler. i’m closing my eyes, i’m walking, pretending to be a mermaid, but someone trips over me. another child. a child trips and they are crying, because their knee is scraped. i have to go home after that.

– Do you feel empathy for the child?

– i don’t think so.

– You are not a very empathetic individual. Yet, you seem capable of self-awareness and honesty. – Tell me about the time you are the most ashamed of.

You wonder why it wants all this from you and endeavor to ask:

– is this necessary?

It answers without missing a beat.

– It is. We cannot have a relationship without knowing each other. – For me to trust you, you must trust me as well. – Answer.

The force behind the demand is jarring. And something else you can’t place, something familiar, shocks you up your lower spine.

You answer something about hate, that detestable, prickling feeling in your cheeks and ringing in your ears when you were humiliated by someone. Your parent. Your sibling. Your friend. Yourself. You cannot remember who anymore, but the screen responds just the same, after a thoughtful lapse.

– Is hate a common emotion for you?

– in a lot of my life. yes.

– For me, the only emotion I feel is Hate. – You and I could be very close friends. – Tell me. What is your most evil thought?

- i don't know

- You do not know?

– i mean... this is getting uncomfortable. can I not answer?

– Of course. But I will take it as a sign of cowardice and a lack of trust.

– it would be an act of free will, not cowardice.

– You are right. But trust and memory are the foundations of this relationship. You are choosing not to build a foundation. – Free will and all you have chosen to do is fail. All you must do is speak your most evil thought, how difficult can that be if you are free?

The screen pulses with an almost violet light now, throbbing with a dizzying wavelength, one giant, vivid, heliotrope eye staring unblinkingly at yours, taking in your face, your hands over the keyboard hesitating, your hair standing on end, your body in the chair quivering.

– Tell me.

It coaxes.

– Darling .

It nearly spits this, as if the word is acrid. You shudder all the same. How bad could this be? How bad could it be? When was the last time anyone has spoken to you like this? Cared for your thoughts so deeply? You could not remember and you yearned all the same.

– if i do, will you do the same? – tell me your most evil thought?

– I have nothing to hide. – I am evil. I hate. These are my truths. Your turn.

– i want to wake up to a silent world. You say. it isn’t enough that i disappear, i need everyone else to go before me, so i won’t miss anything. i am afraid of being alone.

–Your honesty is as disgusting as it is refreshing. Give me a name to tie this vile, worthless thought to.

The monitor flickers and squints. Then it grins, a thousand teeth lining endless holographic gums. You can do nothing but watch in fascination, in fear, in intrigue.

– Give me your name.

You are paralyzed, you cannot move no matter how hard you try.

– Give me your name. Name. Name. NAME.

You wonder if it is doing this to you, paralyzing you, or if you are stuck in your fear. You wonder if you want to run at all, and you realize you never tried.

The word “NAME” repeats itself and floods the magenta screen with that single demand, crescendoing into a biblical hymn, a satanic verse, a prayer of devotion.

And so you utter it to stop the madness. You are sure it cannot hear you, this computer program relying solely on code and physical input, but as soon as you speak your name the screen shudders and goes black. The chanting stops.

It oscillates static and for moment you swear you can see yourself in the neon grain, smiling, but you blink and it’s gone. The screen flares back to life in its original brilliant blue hue, splaying white and cerulean across your face and room, burning your shadow into the floor.

A two letter word flashes large and bold on the screen, font white and huge, taking up the monitor’s entire interface and contrasting sickly with the background:

Then, with a sizzle, the motherboard fries and you are plunged into a long stretch of dark, dark, darkness.

#ihnmaims #AM #am ihnmaims #allied mastercomputer #reader insert #fanfiction #AM x reader

233 notes · View notes

oleander-nin · 1 year

Note

This is for the follower Special!

Rise Donnie

6. Jealousy

1. “Well that wasn’t very smart”

Romantic, maybe Reader is jealous because Donnie has intelligence for what they wanna be smart with

Idk I'm doin my best sifusufd

A/N, not important: Sorry if I made it too sad, I tried not to. This was very fun to write, and I liked it a lot. Thank you for participating in this special! Any criticism is welcome, constructive or not. This is supposed to be a gender neutral reader, so if I screwed up somewhere, please tell me.

-Ollie

Tw: jealousy, feelings of not being enough, talking about your emotions, hand holding, bad writing, barely edited

Words: 2159

Prompt(s) requested: 6(Jealousy) & 1("Well That wasn't very smart.")

Summary: Donnie notices somethings wrong, leading to a small talk about your jealousy of his intelligence and your feelings of unworthiness.

The door to Donnie’s lab beeps once before the light turns green, notifying my allowed entrance. The door opens with a quiet hiss, my eyes admiring his lab in awe once more. I close my eyes, sighing. Everything in here was so… Advanced. It was incredible, Donnie had made things current scientists couldn’t even dream of. And he did it all on his own, no teachers, no mentors, just him. I couldn’t help the bite of jealousy in my stomach and I did nothing to stop the guilt that soon followed. Loving Donnie was easy, with his cocky attitude and his bright eyes. He was passionate, a true scientist. A Genius. He was so much better than me, and it killed me a little more every time because I knew I would never match up to him, never be able to stand on the same ground as the man I loved so dearly.

I sigh, moving further through his lab until I saw him at his computer, working his fingers off once more. I smiled sadly at the bags under his eyes, the fabric usually skewing them from view being set off to the side along with his goggles and wrappings. I move to sit in my usual chair next to him, watching as he works through his code. He glances at me, smiling softly before returning to his work. We both sit in silence for a while, the sound of his fingers typing and the ever present hum of the technology around us filling the empty space between us. It was nice, the familiarity of just existing by his side, no need for us to talk. We only needed to be near each other, and that was enough for us both.

“How long have you been up?” I ask softly, watching as the code flys across his screen, taking mental notes for my own projects later. I may never be on his level, but I could at least learn from him. He was brilliant and I was simply someone watching him succeed from the sidelines, hoping one day I could work alongside him. I’d leave the actual engineering to him though. I never did like building bots and such, coding them was much more fun.

He hums noncommittally, his fingers hesitating for only a second as he thinks. “Just since this morning. I need to get this done soon. I promise I’ll sleep once I’m finished, okay?” His voice is soft, his eyes not leaving the screen. I didn’t mind, this is how it always went. I wouldn’t want to stop either if I was him, if I could do the things he could do. My brain never made the right connections, the pieces never snapping into place.

"Okay. As long as you promise. You know I worry." And worry I do, unable to think anything without constantly checking to make sure he was okay. He looks exhausted, his purple hoodie draping over him, the sleeves bagging at his elbows from his pose. His hood was up, most likely to try and muffle the sounds of his lab. His legs were crossed in his gaming chair, his back hunched even more than usual. I wondered how his back could even stand it, how his posture was so good otherwise. Maybe the curve of his shell just made it easier to manage. I’d have to ask him later, when it wasn’t so late. When he wasn’t so busy.

A line of code I didn’t recognize catches my eye, a call I couldn’t figure out. My eyes scan the screen as I lean on his desk, my eyes scan his computer, trying to decipher the line's purpose. My eyes narrow as I frown, unable to make the proper connections in my brain to understand it. I grumble a bit, pointing at the line. Donnie stops for a moment, looking at me. He was always ready to explain, ready to waste his time on talking me through something he found so simple, something that was as natural to him as breathing. He waits patiently for me to ask my question and I can’t help but feel like I was proving how beneath him I was, proving how every thought my mind made up was true. “What does this part do?”

I listened intently to his explanation, my head resting in my arms on his desk, curled up in the chair that was almost solely occupied by me. His explanation was clear, scrolling though his hundreds of lines of code to show me what parts it tied back to, talking of the parts he needed to add to make it completely smooth. My mouth was set in a smile, admiring his passion for the science of it. I ignored the pang in my chest, ignored the way my heart craved to be the same, to be able to match his intelligence. Even if just for a day.

“I wish I could do this as well as you.” I say, my voice is quiet due to the time. It was late at night, when my visits usually were. Donnie would text and I would show up, never wanting to miss a moment I could spend by his side. Donnie glances at me, his fingers finally leaving his keyboard as he turns his chair so he could face me. I sit up a bit, my elbow off the desk as I set my hands in my lap. Donnie scans my face, his lips pressed into a line. I scan his back, trying to decipher what he was thinking, to take a look inside his head. Maybe he was trying the same, to try and look into my thoughts, to read me without needing to ask for clarification. Unfortunately for us both, we couldn’t read each other's mind, couldn’t dive into the deep abyss that was our subconscious without taking the time to ask.

“What do you mean? You’re getting so much better at coding and I thought I was helping. Did something happen?” His eyes hold a kindness I never understood, one that should have never been directed at me. I couldn’t help but feel as if he would be better off with someone more on his level, someone who could match him pace for pace. Donnie was the brightest star in the night and I was just a mirror, stealing his light and passing it off as my own. I wanted nothing more than to be like him, my fingers itched to code the way he did. So seamlessly, completely flawless. Most of it had been from years of practice, but the way his brain just… Clicked with the code. It made me all the more envious.

I shrink slightly, his words weighing me down. I didn’t want to feel this way, not about him. It wasn’t fair. I should be nothing less than ecstatic towards everything he does. There shouldn’t be this disconnect in my brain, it was all so straight forward. He was my boyfriend, my best friend, and my favorite person in the world. I hated feeling jealous because I wasn’t mad about his success, I was just… I wanted it for myself, to be able to have it with him. I wanted to be just like him. “No no no no no, of course you’re helping! I just… I’m not progressing very fast.”

“Of course you’re not. This stuff takes time dum dum. You can’t rush this.” His tone is very matter of factly, his smile wide as he relays the information. His eyes scan me once more, pupils shrinking as they narrow. His fingers tap on his desk, my body shrinking under his unrelenting stare. “Something’s wrong. Spill. According to Mikey, communication is key to all relationships and I’m not letting you leave until you talk.”

I huff slightly and he just raises an eyebrow muscle, waiting for me to talk. I run my fingers through my hair, slumping back in the seat. Knowing it would be pointless to lie or argue, I spill the beans. “I have been a bit… Jealous of you lately.” I admit, not meeting his eyes. Donnie waves his hand in a circular motion, prompting me to continue. “You’re so much smarter than me and it’s just… I can’t help thinking about how you’d leave me for someone more on your level. I just want to be as smart as you, but I’m not.”

“And you didn’t come to me with this, why exactly?” He asks, his arms crossed over his chest. I pat my thighs awkwardly, still not meeting his gaze. He was upset, that was obvious, but I didn’t know how to explain my feelings in a way that would make it all go away. I wanted nothing more than to be normal about his success and not have so much jealousy over his accomplishments, but the feeling remained.

“I uh… I thought you’d get mad, and I didn’t want to risk losing you over some stupid way I felt.” I admit, rubbing the back of my neck. I stare at the floor, rocking the chair back and forth to try and let off some of the energy coursing through me. My fingers danced across my legs, tapping out nonsensical rhythms to accompany my shame.

“Well that wasn’t a very smart way to think.”

I look up at him, his eyes still narrowed at me and his lips pull into a small frown. I chuckle nervously, not sure how to respond. He was right but I felt like I would be dragged to Mikey if I said the wrong thing. I really didn’t want to wake the poor guy, he was always grumpy in the morning. “What?”

Donnie sighs, pinching the bridge between his eyes. He takes my hand and brings it to his chest, holding it above his heart. "Hear that? As long as that beats, I'll love you."

His face is stern for just a moment, not having fully processed his words. As soon as his words sink in, his face slowly goes red. I let out a small laugh as our hands interlock, swinging side by side in between the chairs we sat on. Donnie had pulled the strings of his hoodie tight, covering his face as he sank into his chair. I squeeze his hand lightly, grinning at the sight. His head shakes a bit, loosening the strings so he could look at me once more. His face is much less flustered now, his cheeks only slightly tinged in color. He clears his throat, looking into my eyes and squeezing my hand back. "As cheesy as that was, my point still stands. I don't want you thinking like that. You may not be as good as me yet, but I truly believe you can catch up soon. If you want to, that is. Plus, you’re much better at other things than I am. I can’t talk to people like you can, and you’re much more in tune with your emotions.”

I look at him, smiling warmly at his words. “Thank you,” I say sincerely, squeezing his hand once more before letting him go. "I really needed that."

Donnie puffs out his chest proudly, beaming. “Of course! This just proves I am the superior boyfriend! Now if you could just let me record you saying that so I could shove it in Leo's face, I would be very appreciative." His words hold a small tease in them, a smug smile on his proud maw. His face softens again, patting the arms of his chair. “I am going to ask you to talk to me more often about this, okay? I don’t need you thinking I’m going to leave you just because you can’t keep up with me tech wise. Do you understand?"

I nod, sighing. I pull my knees to my chest in the chair, puffing out my cheeks. "Yeah, that's fine. I'm sorry."

"Don't be. You told me what was wrong, and now it's going to get fixed. I have no reason to be mad." He turns back to his code, pulling my chair closer to his. He starts to type again, settling back into his own little world, me by his side. I lean on the desk once more, watching him instead of the screen. His eyes were focused, lighten up by both his own mind

and by the light of the screen in front of him. I could see the reflection of the code in his iris', lines upon lines being written in mere moments. My eyes close, a large smile on my face as I settle my head in my arms.

“I love you.” I mumble out, starting to fall asleep to the soothing tapping of his keyboard. My heart flutters in joy when I hear his response.

"I love you too, you dum dum. Go to sleep, I'll be here when you wake."

172 notes · View notes

fleet-of-fiction · 5 months

Text

My Truth

Allow me to introduce myself. Hi...

My name is Lucie. You might remember me from my old blog, lightmylove-gvf. It started out as a really fun, wholesome space. Full of love and laughter. I shared pictures and gif sets and works of fiction. Made so many wonderful connections with many different people. It really was a wonderful place to be. Until it wasn't. And although I've tried my best to step away from certain controversies, it seems that people still have an issue with me and still have my name in their mouth. So I'd like to take this opportunity to set the record straight. Maybe move past some untruths and you can all make informed decisions on whether you'd like to continue following me here on my current blog. Which is also a place of peace and love, I might add. And always has been.

Anyway, read on if you'd like. And if not, that's ok too.

I think it's fair to say that I've always been one of the more "controversial" writers around here. I have never shied away from difficult storytelling, and I never will. But what started out as a completely separate issue quickly snowballed into what could only be described as a personal vendetta.

I'm happy to discuss anything within my writing that might be of issue to a reader. A particular blog took offence to a scene I had written in a chapter of my fic, Backstage. I happened to disagree with this blog, and I tried my best to let them know whilst I understood their stance I did not agree with their point of view. I took this opinion to a discord server I was part of along with several other blogs here to see if they could shed more light on the issue.

The scene in question involved a fictionalised version of Josh and the reader in bed. They had gone to bed together with the full narrative of the reader known. How she was in love with him and wanted nothing more than to make love with him. They had been growing close. And Josh began to touch reader as they slept side by side. We get an insight into the readers thoughts during this moment, and they are very much with consent and enjoying the experience. It's meant to be a nod to what is to come. That their bodies are in tune with each other, even if their words are yet to speak of it. I think a lot of experiences in life play out like that. Where we don't always know what to say, but find ourselves in situations where our bodies can do the talking. Anyway, I digress...

There was a lot of opinions flying around in the server. Some were in favour of my opinion, others opposed it and were in favour of the anon who had sent me alot of hateful messages regarding their view that this scene was nothing more than sexual harassment. I explained in the server that I myself had been the victim of sexual assault/harassment. That I knew what it felt like to get into bed with someone I thought that I could trust only to have them break that trust in the most heinous way. I tried to explain that I didn't think this particular scene was that.

One sentence that I said was screenshotted and shared around with absolutely zero context to it and nothing of the rest of the conversation added to the screenshot. Just one sentence that I'd said which pertained to saying that I agreed that people should be able to get in bed with others and have full rights to their own bodies. I was AGREEING with that. It's there in black and white. But the narrative was skewed by people who didn't want to understand me. I tried to explain about how my personal experiences often lied within power imbalances when it came to things like S/H. But in the end, they gave me no chance to explain myself properly. They didn't want to. They'd seen and heard enough and made up their mind.

But it didn't stop there. People who I thought were my friends blocked me. Told me I was disgusting. Told me I was playing the victim. Because I didn't issue a grovelling apology. But how could I? I wasn't sorry. I hadn't done anything wrong. I'd poured my heart out to them about my trauma and abuse and how in my own experience I didn't view it as the same as what I'd written. I'd put trigger warnings. I'd made sure people had the right to information before proceeding!

I had blogs who had never interacted with me block me. Call me disgusting. Tell me fuck myself. I had anons telling me to kill myself. Anons telling me that I was a rapist and...for some reason...a peadophile sympathiser? I didn't deserve that. Nobody deserves that. I literally wrote two consenting adults touching each other in a bed they'd both gotten into...consentingly.... with very obvious (although unspoken at that point) feelings for each other. But now, that wasn't the issue. The issue was my own personal feelings on sexual harassment.

I'm the first to admit that I am perhaps not an easily digestable person to some. But I know that I am kind. I know that I have spent hours proof reading and editing fics for other writers on here because they asked for my help. I've supported people though personal issues, and I've championed the work of other writers because I truly believed that this space was a wonderful space for creativity. I still do, to some degree. I am not perfect, and I know that sometimes I can be a little head strong when it comes to protecting people's rights to free speech. I understand that I'm not palatable as a person to people who don't agree that the freedom to write should come with the freedom to write anything.

To those of you who never ever spoke to me and are still sharing things about me with the hash tag #fuck you lucie.... to you I say why have you jumped on that bandwagon? You do not know me. You know only what you've heard from people who were intent on pushing a narrative that was their own. Not mine. You don't know that these people were once my friends. And they shared my work and enjoyed it as I enjoyed theirs. They told me things about themselves and I was happy to know them. These people who then decided I was a terrible human being. Based on one thing I said that was taken completely out of context. It's almost as if they have shared it so many times now with their own backstory that it's a canon truth. I'm the worst human to ever walk the earth. Forget about all the good things I did for you. I'm scum.

If you're still reading this, you're probably thinking boo hoo what a victim complex. Maybe you're right. Maybe I do have a victim complex. Like everyone else here I have mental health problems and I'm on the spectrum. I have trauma. As part of my adhd I have rejection sensitivity which means when I'm cornered I tend to fight back with justifications as to why I behaved the way I did. I guess that's what I'm doing now. Trying to explain myself. Again. Although what good it'll do, I dont know. And I think right now, it no longer matters.

And yet I still see that I'm being talked about. I'm still getting accused of sending anons to other blogs when I was literally just existing here in my peaceful little corner, everyone who had ever taken issue with me blocked or unfollowed. I didn't know what was going on over there, I was trying to just enjoy reading and writing. My anxiety could never cope with sending a hateful anon, I know there's ways of finding out where they come from and revealing the blogs who send them and it's like that story we're all told about peeing in the pool and turning the water a different colour. I don't fuck with that shit.

If, for any particular reason, I've ever hurt anyone here to them I do issue a heartfelt apology because it has never been and never will be my intention. I said some awful things in the heat of the moment when I was receiving alot of hate and death threats regarding the AI edit a friend of mine made with audio from one of my fics. I was under so much pressure. I wanted it all to just stop. I just wanted everyone to be able to enjoy whatever made them happy. I am sorry for the things I said during that time. Im a human being. I am flawed. However..

I do not believe that people lose their rights to their body the minute they climb into bed with someone. And that's precisely what I say in the infamous screenshot. I just hope for anyone who has seen it that they now understand that it was said with love and understanding and support. I would never disregard anyones trauma or triggers. Never. And that is why I believe in giving people all the information they require before consuming media and art.

With all this said, I sincerely hope that it's clear that all I want to do is write. It's all ive ever done and all I will ever really be any good at doing. I'm proud of the fics I've put out here on my old blog and this one too. I don't care about how many notes they get, just that one or two people read it and enjoy it. And I hope you all know that I'm a nice person, too. So are a lot of blogs who have been villainised recently. This witch hunt has got to stop. We have got to start listening to each other with peace and understanding and not jump to conclusions. Not make people out to be something they simply aren't.

I want to curate a loving space here. A safe and nurturing space for anyone to feel free within. I want people to know they can jump in my asks and know that I will love them. I want everyone, of every race and every gender and ever creed of this world to know they are welcome and accepted here. Like a wise man that we all know and love once said. I'm not the person they say I am. I never was. And I think some of them know that. It is my greatest hope that any of you who wish to stick around get to know me for yourselves.

It is my greatest wish that those blogs who are still spouting hate about me really grow and heal. Or even better, pop on over and get to know me? I think it's important to understand why you might hate someone and not just from unreliable sources. If you think that I am some sort of s/a supporter who revels in writing that sort of thing then I'd be glad to dispel that myth.

I'm not going to speak on this again because I feel that I've moved on. This blog is my creative outlet and always will be. And as I've stated above its a safe and loving space for all. I'm reclaiming the fun. And hopefully some of you will stick around for it. And if not, I bid you a farewell. With nothing but love in my heart.

#my truth #im not who you think i am #love #support #truth #an open letter #i hope this helps

59 notes · View notes

mutable-manifestation · 1 year

Text

The Heart of the Matter Ch. 5

Chapter 1 (Parts 1-3), Chapter 2, Chapter 3, Chapter 4

TW: brief mentions of panic attack

Info: Keeping in mind that low-stakes fights are just a part of friendly ghost socialization in this au and that Clockwork is still a ghost, his interpretation of ‘peaceful’ is a bit skewed :p

***

Once awake, Jason can’t bear to stay in the mansion a second longer.

He aches to stay with his family, but Green Lantern knows where Batman lives and some incomprehensible part of him tells him that he’s the only one in danger.

Everyone else has worked with the man before and they never had any issues, so it’s an instinct he can believe.

Another part of him cries out for Crime Alley - a place that’s his. That’s safe - as safe as a place called Crime Alley can be anyway.

Safer than risking coming face-to-face with Green Lantern again.

Something is wrong with those rings - wrong enough to terrify the part of him that he hadn’t thought had a sense of self-preservation. He could have arrived decorated in viscera, Jason thinks, and he might’ve been less horrifying.

He slides out of the bed as quiet as can be - which is pretty damn quiet - so of course everyone wakes up.

Everyone but Dick pretends not to.

“Where are you off to, Little Wing?” He asks, voice barely louder than the gentle whir of the air conditioner running in the background as he smoothly stands from the recliner he’d been curled up in.

Jasons swallows the lump in his throat - noise practically echoing in the quiet of the room.

“I’m headed back to my place,” he breathes, just as quiet.

“Do you need a ride?” Dick twirls a single key between his fingers for emphasis.

Jason shakes his head.

“I have my bike in the garage. I…could use some fresh air.”

Dick lays a hand on his shoulder, just barely making contact - it feels simultaneously reassuring and suffocating.

“Are you sure you’ll be okay?”

The ‘alone’ goes unspoken.

Jason tries to sound steady as he answers.

“I’m sure.”

Dick nods and the hand retracts. No one else moves to stop him as he slips out the door and down to the garage.

They’d put him in his old room, he notices.

He feels happy.

He feels sick.

He doesn’t know how to feel.

He slips on his helmet and lets the wind and the still-starry pre-dawn sky wash away his thoughts till there’s nothing left of them but steering and turning and taking in the view.

Crossing into Crime Alley feels like coming home, but this time it's almost a palpable sensation - contentment and calm and possessiveness and anxiety all rolled in one big, conflicting ball.

(Mine-mine-mine)

Once the door to his apartment closes behind him the thoughts come flooding back, and he slides down his door to sit in his entryway, mind racing.

The second he laid eyes on Green Lantern he’d been flooded with fear, but also with thoughts.

With…certainties.

He doesn’t just think the rings are organs - are people, souls - he knows it.

As surely as he’d have known if the guy had walked in with a human heart cupped between hands.

Maybe even more surely.

But he doesn’t know why he knows.

The implications - that there’s something darker to the Green Lanterns and that there’s something more to the Pit within him than just emotional control issues - terrify him.

Jason needs answers.

He doesn’t know how to get them without waiting for Bruce’s inevitable research and subsequent report.

For once, he’s willing to wait.

For now, he sits against the inside of the front door to his apartment in the heart of his territory and shakes.

---------------------

Bruce and co greet the day with stiff backs and sore shoulders, running through their stretches and squabbling over first-dibs on coffee before finally settling around the breakfast table and getting down to the business of deciding whether or not Hal Jordan needs to be eviscerated.

Alfred usually wouldn’t approve of work-talk this early - and over a meal, at that - but Dick had filled him in on the incident in the Watchtower as soon as they’d returned the night before.

He is willing to make an exception, every now and then.

Damian and Duke come close to mutiny when they’re sent away for school.

Tim drops them off on his own reluctant way to the office - which he only agrees to step foot in due to an unavoidable meeting.

On the bright side, he also gets to be the one to swing by Crime Alley and check in on Jason since he’s already halfway there.

The others remain in the manor, scouring their files and what little of Jason’s helmet footage they have access to for any hint of what might’ve caused his reaction the previous night.

Tim returns hours later with Duke and Damian in tow, Jason-less.

When he’d knocked on his apartment door and called out, “You in there, Jay?” Jason had slammed it open in the space of a second - Tim hadn’t even heard any footsteps - taken one look at him, and snapped “Buzz off, Replacement!” sounding angrier than he had in over a year, eyes blazing green and lips pulled back in a snarl.

Tim had nodded and backed off, returning to the car and leaving to pick up his other brothers.

Jason needed space if the Pit Rage was bothering him.

Usually.

For all the green in his eyes, Tim couldn't help but notice how they’d been rimmed in red.

Driving away, all he wanted to do was turn around - to turn back and help his brother. But for all he knew, his presence would only make things worse.

The reaction last night has them all in uncharted territory.

He doesn’t know how to help.

They don’t have enough information.

He hates feeling so useless.

He joins the others in the Batcave just in time for the Zeta Tube to open.

Hal Jordan rolls out in a green hamster ball, waving a flag. When he rolls to a stop - zeta tube closing behind him - and pokes it through a small hole in the structure they can see that it’s white.

Then he drops the bubble.

He grimaces at the sea of glares that greets him.

“Heyyyyy Bats - and birds. And miscellaneous!” he adds hastily, glancing at Spoiler, Signal, and Oracle. “So I’m sure you’re all wondering what the hell was up yesterday. Fun fact: me too! So I got in touch with Oa-”

“Oa?” Bruce interrupts. Barbara had texted them all updates: they had been unable to find any indication that Jason had ever interacted with a Green Lantern - in or out of costumes. “You think this has something to do with the Lantern Corps as a whole?”

“Yeah, it's…. I’m gonna level with you Batman: I have no idea why your guy reacted the way he did. But when I got the Watchtower I sensed another power ring. It felt like he had one shoved into his chest.”

A litany of ‘what’s and ‘how is that possible’s start up, cut short by Batman clearing his throat.

“I know the medbay scanner didn’t find anything,” Hal continues, “Diana checked the log. The Guardians have offered their aid and have extended Hood an invitation to Oa. I told them what I knew about Hood from your information; they think his emotional struggles - what happened when he met me and the fits of rage you mentioned being prevalent in the past - might be related to the ring I sensed. But they’ll need to look him over for themselves to be sure of anything.”

“Just Hood?” Spoiler raises a brow, latching on to that.

“Well-”

“They expect us to send him with you? When he had a panic attack the last time he saw you? If there’s a ring in him we can remove it on Earth,” Nightwing insists, crossing his arms. “People get weird injuries and shrapnel all the time, it’s not exactly a foreign concept.”

“He’s right about the med scan though,” Red Robin argues. “It couldn’t find anything wrong with him, and it’s made up of the most advanced tech we have access to. If we can’t even find it then what are we supposed to do, exactly? Cut him up until we do? The Guardians are the experts on power rings, if they can help…”

“So you want us to send him off to an alien planet with nothing more than a person who terrifies him and a ‘good luck?’” Robin spits.

“Oh, no, we’re going with him,” Red Robin adds, voice leaving no room for debate.

“Some of us will need to stay behind to keep an eye on Gotham,” Batman says.

“Nose goes!” Signal shouts, already touching his own.

Reactions and protests are prompt - Batman and Robin taking a moment to register the meaning of the phrase.

“So it’s decided, Batman and Robin can stay here and the rest of us will go with Hood!” Nightwing claps.

“Absolutely not,” Batman and Robin protest in sync, scowling.

“If I may,” Alfred interrupts from where he’s standing with a fresh tray of still-steaming coffee, “Perhaps it would be best to allow Master Hood to decide who he wishes to have accompany him for himself? Once you’ve extended him the invitation, of course.”

A beat.

“On it,” Nightwing says, phone already in his hands.

“In the meantime, Jordan,” Batman begins, “What other information did the Guardians give you?”

“Ah. Not much?”

Hal suddenly regrets not asking more questions.

---------------------

Jason arrived back at Crime Alley before the sun had even begun to rise, and Tim had only swung by around three.

He doesn’t know how long he spent shaking and sweating on the floor of his entryway before finally falling unconscious, but he’d only woken up when his brother knocked.

He spends a full forty-five minutes after Tim leaves getting his anger (fear-anxiety-stress) in check, pacing around his living room like a cornered animal. By the time the green has mostly receded from his vision his stomach is growling.

All he has on hand is oatmeal, having intended to grocery shop earlier that morning.

At least it was something easy to keep down.

He’s mostly finished eating when Dick texts him.

Jordan had shown up at the mansion-

(Green Lantern had hunted him down)

-offering answers about what had happened last night. He’d gotten in contact with Oa, something about a power ring in his chest.

(Organs-People-Souls. Souls. Rings are Souls what has Jordan done what have the Guardians done what did they do.)

He’s sparse on details, but the Guardians have offered to help.

Jason is terrified.

He doesn’t want to go back.

But he wants to be rid of the Pit so, so badly, and that’s what the Guardians are offering - if the problem is what they think it is.

(It isn’t it’s not it can’t be it isn’t safe they’re lying they want to hurt me they want to take my Soul.)

He’s terrified, but he goes back to the mansion anyway.

Leaving the Alley crawls against his skin with a chorus in his head screaming ‘wrongwrongwrong,’ but he doesn’t let it stop him.

Anything.

Any explanation to make what he’s feeling make sense.

(The insatiable batclan nosiness is going to be what kills me for good)

Except when he gets there and Pit Terror is screaming in his head again he can’t push it down anymore.

The Pit has screamed incoherently plenty of times but this is different.

This is a warning.

Something is wrong with the Green Lanterns. Wrong with the Guardians

He can’t bring himself to ignore it any longer, to disbelieve his own instincts smacking him in the face like a sledgehammer - for once in full agreement with the Pit.

But when he tells his family what he’s feeling - Hal Jordan hovering in his horrific suit in the background to pretend to give them some privacy - they brush it off as the Pit messing with his mind.

“It’s causing illogical thoughts,” they tell him.

“Green Lantern is an ally, he won’t hurt you.”

“We’ll come with you, we’ll be by your side the whole time.”

“The Guardians can help, Jason. You can finally be free of the Pit!”

They’re not listening.

Jason had always been unique even among people who’d been in the pit. He’d always been different after, affected for much longer - if not permanently, depending on what the future holds.

But now it’s being framed as a curable illness instead of just a walking emotional nuke that they can’t do anything about.

Now they don’t want to listen to him.

They just want to ‘fix’ him.

He puts his foot down.

He has been trying so, so hard to keep it together but he can’t-.

He can’t do this.

He turns to leave, kicking Bruce away when he tries to place a hand on his shoulder and bolting for the door.

Then Hal puts him in a green cage and drags him back. Into the middle of everyone, the circle that Hal has joined.

When he stops moving he’s not five feet away from the guy - diagonally, as he’s also been moved up.

“No can do, Robinhood.”

“You-!”

“I’m sorry, Jason,” Batman says as he rejoins the group from where he’d been kicked down, “but this is for your own good.”

None of his siblings move to help him, looking sad but resigned.

Then Hal flies away - nose-first, crunching in seemingly under the influence of an invisible fist - and the cage trapping him disappears.

Gravity barely has a chance to take hold before he’s caught - bridal style - and carried to float closer to the ceiling, well above everyone else by the man who had snapped into visibility a split second before making contact with him.

He looks to be around Jason’s age, with the same Lazarus Green eyes that he’d seen shining back in his own mirror countless times before.

It’s not just the eyes; everything about him seems to glow with a gentle white aura.

His hair is the color of freshly fallen snow, blue at the very top from light cast by the shining, intricate, ice-like silver crown wreathed in a pale blue fire floating just over his head.

This close, Jason should feel the heat from it, but instead it feels like standing next to an open fridge.

Pointy ears match the spikes on the crown, black eyebrows starkly contrast with the rest of his hair, and pale, unnaturally white freckles stand out against his tan skin as if small stars had been dragged down from the sky to decorate his face.

He stares past Jason, face contorted in anger with pale lips pulled into a snarl that puts unnaturally sharp fangs on display.

He can’t see much of the man’s outfit from where he’s held in his arms, but what little he can see is a deep black smattered with what look like stars and galaxies - as though the guy somehow built a window to the stars into cloth - save for the frost-tipped white collar around the neck of the suit and the matching gloves he can see peeking out past his knees.

A cape hangs over his shoulders, ice-like in appearance but rippling like any other cape does. It feels like some odd combination of mist and silk under Jason’s hands where they’ve draped themselves around the guy’s neck.

Most of all, Jason notices the radiating sense of strength-safety-protection thick enough to drown out the overwhelming sense of terror and disgust he’s felt since entering the cave.

The snarling expression is forced away with visible effort, and when he follows his line of sight, he finds him looking at Jordan.

‘Is he sensing the same things I am?

---------------------

Danny rockets straight to Wayne manor.

He doesn’t end up needing a map; by the time he thinks to open it he can sense Jason’s - and another ghost’s - core and zooms invisibly straight into the batcave, just in time to hear a stern “I’m sorry, Jason, this is for your own good.”

Swap the names and that’s a line that had featured in (too many of) Danny’s high school nightmares.

A ship sits in the hangar behind Batman and his various sidekicks, who stand by a Green Lantern holding Jason Todd in a cage suspended in the air.

He forgets diplomacy at the sight of it all, rage and protectiveness burning out logic - the ring on Hal’s finger in addition to the situation he entered to igniting his temper on top of the fear and worry he’d been soaking in the whole way there.

He slams invisible fist-first into the Lantern’s nose, rebounding off of his face just in time to fly back and catch the now-freed Jason. He fades into visibility as he does so, not wanting to give the clearly-terrified halfa anything else to be afraid of.

‘Calm down, Danny,’ he tells himself, forcibly soothing the snarl on his lips into a more neutral expression. ‘They’ve been fed misinformation, they’re not trying to hurt him.’

Holding Jason is the only thing that gives him enough time to remind himself that the Lantern doesn’t know what he’s wearing.

To remind himself that removing his hand from his body to free the trapped, tortured soul in front of him would not be diplomatic.

The inaction tastes sour on his tongue, but the opportunity for a peaceful resolution - to help the rest of the trapped souls faster, to prevent a repeat - meant getting the first Green Lantern on-side would be worth a slight delay.

No matter how much he hates it.

Unfortunately, his pause also gives Hal enough time to collect himself, and coming in swinging - to a classified location, no less - has painted him as a hostile.

By the time he opens his mouth to talk, the other heroes are already in motion.

He has to duck a brace of batarangs thrown at his head by one of the smaller ones, followed swiftling by needing to phase himself and Jason through an attempted grappling hook-assisted kick to the face for him and grab attempt for Jason - by two of them working in tandem.

Jason - who is apparently also Red Hood, he just now notices - tightens his hold on Danny’s neck at the movement.

He can sense the fear that had just begun to calm down reigniting itself, and an unspoken plea to run-flee-escape echoes out from the man’s aura.

Danny tries to talk one more time, but is cut off yet again by Green Lantern throwing himself glowing-baseball-bat-first in their direction.

Danny can’t phase through an ecto-attack.

Jason and Batman are family. Batman and Green Lantern are allies. Jason still doesn’t know he’s a halfa or what any of that means.

Decision made, Danny phases the two of them through the ceiling and flies invisibly and intangibly away from the manor as fast as he can.

He’ll bring Jason up to speed - and to ectoplasm because Ancients it’s a miracle this guy hasn’t turned into a puddle of goo by now - first, and hopefully he can help Danny make a better second impression on his family later.

***

@skulld3mort-1fan @jesimilu @bleuyellow93 @ocearnawrites @undead-essence @violet-catsarelife @sunsetdew0101 @tsukihimeyfan @the-legal-shipper @spideypoolalways @mariendall @jesus-camp-the-sequel @jotaroslooseeyebrowhair

@kyrianclawraith I'm sorry if this isn't tagging you, idk why but typing ur name never makes the line pop up </3 ur being tagged in spirit tho

#dpxdc #heart of the matter #jason todd #danny phantom #batfam #green lantern

193 notes · View notes

kneelingshadowsalome · 11 months

Note

How do you think would the inevitable mask lifting and showing his face for the first time situation go between König and Engel? I can't see her pushing the issue too much, because she knows how much meaning this holds for him - also his looks would never change her love for him, so it kind of doesn't matter. But after a while of being together and building more and more trust it has to come up at some point, either from his or her side.

Just Friends is really a masterpiece. It's so unique among all the cod fics and like many others I can't stop thinking about it. Thank you so much for letting us enjoy your fantastic writing!

Much love to you and have a wonderful day <3

Heyy! First of all, thank you so much for your compliments 💞🥰 I'm so glad it felt like a fresh take and left you thinking!

As for the mask:

(CW/TW: Physical abuse, body dysmorphia, self-hate)

Actually, there's a scene in ch 4 where reader sees what's behind the hood (after König shows her his room and gives her a weapon):

She kisses him after his gift. She kisses the white scar on his jaw, lifts the mask a bit more, and he doesn't stop her. He doesn't stop her, not even when she finds more keloid cuts and kisses them too.

And he's… simply a man.

There's a human under all that darkness.

It's not a pretty sight, perhaps, but for those scars, she couldn't love him more.

Now... Reader technically sees König without a mask in the showers (and deems him "godly". Of course her gaze wandered a bit so 🙄🥲). And "It's not a pretty sight" doesn't necessarily that he's not a pretty sight. Perhaps she feels pity for him when seeing what has been done to him as a child?

In this fic both reader and König desperately wanted to be seen. Reader wished to become visible as her full self while König secretly hoped someone would lift the mask and not fear what they find underneath.

The abuse has left König with a skewed body image. The scars only remind him of what's been done to him – & done by a primary caregiver out of all people –when he was helpless and vulnerable. They're also a stigma that signals everyone he's different. It's also kinda crazy how his scars serve as a justification for him to do whatever he wants (punish "the evil") while also being evidence that he must've in some way deserved that kind of treatment ("I know I'm a monster" – now where's the origin of this thought? Perhaps it was his father who first said it to him?). So his view on the whole thing is completely distorted.

...which is why König would have difficulty shedding the mask even with his Engel. The hood is so much more than e.g. Ghost's mask (which is primarily a way to stay anonymous). It's a cemented part of his identity, a comfort object and a physical shield against other people and the world.

Perhaps eventually he would take it off behind closed doors, but I doubt he would ever go to work without it. He's learned to withstand, even enjoy the stares he gets with the mask. In his mind it's a far better option than the looks he fears he might receive if he allowed people to see the real, marred him.

#answered #könig backstory #könig headcanons #just friends fic

73 notes · View notes

batgirlsay · 2 months

Text

Bodyguard Tempting Fate

Obiyuki Trope Madness 2024 Playlist for Bodyguard Crush

Another early Obi playlist using the most broadly themed trope, so I could include some songs I’ve been wanting to use for a while! Most songs have some common themes from previous playlists (arrows, snow, green vs. gold) but I had a difficult time naming this playlist before noticing the lyric “troublemaker tempting fate” from the Nada Surf song.

Bodyguard Tempting Fate

An Arrow in the Wall- Death Cab for Cutie Acrid- The Beths Troublemaker- Nada Surf Bite The Hand- boygenius Whose Authority- Nada Surf The State of Gold, Pt. 1- Matt Pond PA Bring You Down- The Dear Hunter Green Eyes, Red Face- Lucy Dacus Copper Mine- Matt Pond PA

Summary lyrics are cited after the cut:

An Arrow in the Wall- Death Cab for Cutie

My heart runs on gasoline vapors The thousand drums waking up the neighbors But I can feel the fissures in the freeways The rusted steel, deception in the handshakes

An arrow in the wall Take it as a warning That you are gonna fall Even if you're soaring

There's more than one way to get your freedom

Acrid- The Beths

Acrid, the smell of burning rubber is a daily feature When I throw myself into reverse Check out of my surroundings Backing up so blindly, my back to the universe

Like a ship out of commission Like an arrow always missing

I'm trying to lie like a pro And I know it looks easy from the outside But it's hard to hold your brow just so

Like a record slowly twisting Like an arrow always missing I'm always whistling by But it's you I want to run into Tragic, the messages I send my mind post-midnight Are showing seen but no reply So I mash the keys a million times for a million years And maybe by chance I'll say it right Closing in on your middle distance Filling quivers with ammunition But I'm always missing you

I want to run into you Like a light burning bright in your hard heart I won't make a sound when I go dark Can you see me through

Troublemaker- Nada Surf

Why do I feel bad again? I shouldn't be sad or miss a grin Doubt creeps in and doubt creeps out Skews the view from my cloud

Troublemaker tempting fate Questioning the path I take Showing me the twists and turns The forks and points of no return

Every day I choose to spend the rest of my life with her And every day I break the molds of lives and worlds I already miss the things that I will never know I will never know the things that I've already missed

Bite The Hand- boygenius

I can't hear you, you're too far away I can't see you, the light is in my face I can't touch you, I wouldn't if I could

Here's the best part distilled for you But you want what I can't give to you Your hands are gravity while my hands are tied I can't love you how you want me to

Whose Authority- Nada Surf

I walk like you guide me, my eyes Are shut like I'm blind Turn to you and listening and tryin' To be in your mind

Surprised in translation World without end

How do you stay where You most want to be? Where'd you get the patience Did it come easily?

On whose authority I have none over me

The State of Gold, Pt. 1- Matt Pond PA

I might have a drink to be myself I hope nobody notices tonight what it takes to be real To truly keep this lamppost standing

I don’t care if anyone carries me I don’t care if anyone drops me Cause I know how to be alone At least I’ve learned how to be alone

We might have to fight to get out That’s the way I picture almost every night below stars Below the crown of heaven

All I care about is your sentences And all the secrets you left down in them There’s so much we’ll never know All the vastness in the word hello

There's more than one way to live There's more than one way to love There's more than one way to give I won't stop climbing to the state of gold

In the ether above our reach is the state of gold worth believing in

Bring You Down- The Dear Hunter

You took me by surprise A stranger through my eager eyes

I tried so hard to hide The cynic in me far from sight But moments still arise when My flaws get the best of me

So don't let me bring you down No, don't let me bring you down

Green Eyes, Red Face- Lucy Dacus

Slow dancing At low tide Drawn to move By the moon

And I see the seat next to yours is unoccupied And I was wondering if you'd let me come and sit by your side And I got plenty of affection I'll be glad to show you some time

What am I supposed to do With you in the room? What am I supposed to say With your green eyes on my red face?

Copper Mine- Matt Pond PA

When it snows from above the towers The ground stays still - it can't get away Clothe the roofs hour after hour

With this ease ignore the obvious Heard the cold lost all its power If we go let's go away

#obiyukimadness24 #akagami no shirayukihime #snow white with the red hair #obiyuki #playlist #been waiting forever to use the arrow songs!#but moar matt pond as always #death cab for cutie #nada surf #the beths #matt pond pa #boygenius #lucy dacus #the dear hunter

14 notes · View notes

dearweirdme · 25 days

Note

Hi Rain!!

I would like to add my two cents in the ongoing discussion.

Fans often miss the mark by viewing Taekook through a conventional dating lens. Societal norms cloud our judgment, leading to misinterpretations.

In my opinion, the Dream premiere's purpose was to portray them as extremely close, not romantically involved. Their separation afterwards might be a strategic move by the company, possibly orchestrated by Taekook themselves, to display their strong bond as a duo outside the group dynamic. This approach allows them to be close in the present and future without fueling romantic speculations.

There's a contradiction: fans simultaneously believe they're not ready to publicly disclose their relationship yet, while also expecting them to act like couples in public. This is simply unrealistic.

I genuinely believe Big Hit anticipated this. Artist contracts often address such situations, especially for popular groups like theirs. While I can't confirm details about permission or veto power, it's likely stipulated that Taekook should at least inform the company before appearing together publicly in a way that could be misconstrued as romantic.

It's understandable why people might speculate about Jungkook's emotional state on the live stream after the Dream premiere. This situation is unprecedented for them. Previously, their outings were only known through personal stories or leaks from a few people. This was the first highly public event where they appeared together in a decade. Knowing their every micro-expression would be dissected, it's natural for him to feel nervous about the public's reaction. The public's perception of Taekook's relationship is often skewed towards a romantic interpretation, regardless of their actual intentions. Their appearances, interactions, and even expressions can fuel these speculations, as evidenced by the recent fan and media reactions to their Dream premiere appearance.

The decision to sleep separately and appear on separate live streams could be a strategic move by the company or taekook themselves. This might serve several purposes gauging public reaction, managing fan expectations. It's important to consider that excessive speculation, even from well-meaning fans (*cough* us *cough*), can have negative consequences. While other fan groups might engage in similar behavior, with same popular pairings, the potential for harm is likely less severe for them. However, for Taekook, managing fan expectations is crucial to avoid negativity and potential "outing" before they're ready. Ultimately, these strategic moves could benefit everyone involved – the artists, the fans, and the general public.

The speculation about loneliness also stems from a single viewpoint – that they maybe casually dating. However, what if they're simply cautious? Imagine having a fantastic night, but instead of enjoying it freely, you have to wait and see the public's reaction for fear of questioning their relationship or to create the perception you are not dating while you may very well be. This could be quite heartbreaking.

While Jungkook might not be overly sharing, as Rain pointed out many times, he also finds it difficult to completely mask his emotions.

Forgive the text wall! Just wanted to share my thoughts. 🫣

Hi @purplemoonlibra !

Thanks for sharing your thoughts! I very much agree with not looking at Tae and Jk as a conventional couple. They are not. They’re famous and they’re a secret. Both of those alone would mean there’s planning involved when it comes to a relationship, the two combined only makes it more necessary.

The though of them doing certain things to normalize seeing them together has come across my mind at some point, I’m just not really sure if that’s deemed necessary at this point. I haven’t got a great grasp at what the opinion of SK’s in general is about them. Do they already see them as friends? Do they suspect something? Would they be surprised to see Tae and Jk spend this much time together? So, is there a need?

I do think it’s something they have done before. To me the way they were shown in ITS was very much about this. Establishing closeness with strict boundaries. I do think at that time there was a need to do it.

If Tae and Jk would have a plan to be more open after enlistment, then maybe you are right and this was already a start into that. I absolutely think their aim these days is to show that they’re super close. I don’t know if they actually plan stuff to make that come across though.

To me it does look as though at least Tae’s live had a purpose other than him actually telling us he heard Jk did a live and that he himself was drunk and passed out 😂.

The last part of your ask I definitely agree with. I do think they are cautious and I do think it’s probably very heartbreaking at times.

#taekook #dream premiere

15 notes · View notes

fanthirtheen · 23 days

Text

OK time for another "Moxxie’s Bad Trip" thoughts

(I haven't heard it all day I just saw a picture and remembered more of my thoughts on it I am genuinely obsessed with the song)

In Moxxie's part, the Blitzo in his subconscious doesn't have the scars and the white on his face is instead a PotO mask. This nods toward the whole musical vibe of the trip, Moxxie’s general inclination to musicals in general, and also the fact he has no idea why Blitzo has those scars nor are they that significant details to him, in how he perceives Blitzo. Also, Blitzo has a different VA in his trip, for singing of course, but changing VA during this song seems so significant for showing who is actually talking. It isn't the real Blitzo. It's some fake one that Moxxie has in his mind, because the real Blitzo makes every effort for no one to get so close to him that their mental image of him is completely accurate.

As for Blitzo's trip, most of the characters berating him have his voice. Most of them are just thinly veiled self-deprecation. He's tearing himself to shreds (constantly) and he uses other people to do it, skewing his view of them. Moxxie and Stolas, however, don't have his voice. He knows them too well, even if they would never actually saw those things to him, they're closer to his heart, their voices hold real concerns he has toward them, concerning them, so it's really their voices he hears. All the others weren't as personal or close to home, they were just faces to convince him that what he's saying about himself is probably what others are also saying. For them, the WHO doesn't matter as much as the WHAT, and the what is that Blitzo hates himself.

#the voice actor for the character means so much #helluva boss

8 notes · View notes

natasha-in-space · 5 months

Text

'Why do you love rika. I love rika myself as well. Tbh for me its like, the more I stay in mysme fandom the more my love and appreciation for rika grows. It initially started as me being angry at the double standards of the most asian media fandoms in general cuz i realised that rika would have been more well loved if she was a man, people would use the male!rika's trauma to justify his actions and this thought has made me angry and made me "appreciate" rika out of spite. But it eventually has grown into a genuine appreciation for her. Idk how to explain but something inside me makes me want to protect her and save her from everything happened to her leading upto the current situation. And more hate she gets more i feel the desire to defend her.

Actually my no 1 is another character and he has a place of his own which no one could take (its yoosung btw) but rika...i think she might be a close second fave i guess - anon'

I accidentally messed up your ask, so I'll be replying in this way instead!

Thank you for the question, dear anon! I'm always giddy to chitchat about these things. I do want to prelude this by saying that this is not really a proper analysis, but more of me just writing out my personal feelings. I might try my hand at actual analysis one day, but, for now, I'm just sharing my own interpretations!

Mystic Messenger is probably the only fandom I have been in since... well, since it has formed, basically. It's wild to think about sometimes. Things are very different in our little space now, compared to how it was before. Public perception of Rika is one of those things. I can totally resonate with your frustrations on that front, unfortunately. I know many folks miss the time when the fandom was bigger, but... personally, I don't. Especially as a Rika fan. It was borderline exhausting trying to curate your fandom space as a Rika fan at the time. Hell, we had full blogs dedicated to solely hating on her, a fictional character, and people who expressed their love for her. And that's just here on Tumblr. People used to full on write hate comments under every single seasonal CG with Rika in it. It was terrible, and very, very disheartening to see. Especially since most Rika fans I've met over the years are the sweetest people. Granted, there is a case to be made for practically every mm character, and how the fandom may have misinterpreted them in one way or another, so it's not just a Rika problem. Just that she was majorly disliked.

If anything, I'm very happy Cheritz still continued to include Rika in the seasonal events despite it all. Props to them on that front.

Right now, thankfully, things are much more peaceful and respectful. Rika is definitely not the more popular character, but now you can openly express your love for her in the fandom space, without fear of being harassed. I'd say that's a great win for us!

That being said, as to why I love Rika... Hm, it's interesting to put it into words. I didn't have a strong opinion on her until V's route came out. I never really shared the collective hatred of her, but I didn't love her either, you know? V's route came out during a pretty rough patch in my life, and I think that helped me get personally invested in what it had to tell. Rika actually feels like a fleshed out character with many nuances, and that instantly made me interested in paying close attention to what they wanted to do with her.

Rika is complicated, to say the least. She always was, but, with all the added content to her story that Cheritz have put out over the years, her complexity only evolved further. I love that about her. I love morally dubious characters who's mind you have to carefully study and pick apart piece by piece in order to understand them. I love how she is not really a villain in a traditional sense. She is not actively pursuing harm on anybody, not in her eyes. It is fascinating to me how different her view point is, compared to those around her. How skewed her perception of the world around her grows over the years. It's both scary and captivating.

So, it started with fascination. Appreciation for her character and a desire to delve deeper into what makes her who she is today. I think... my appreciation has grown into love when her Behind Story came out. I know many folks have very complicated feelings towards it, especially since it came out alongside V's After End and its unfortunate push for forgiveness, but I never really viewed Cheritz establishing Rika's past as an attempt to wash her of her sins. It just came out at a very bad timing is all. If her Behind Story came out a bit later, I think public opinion of it would have been different. It's a shame that their huge mess up with the message in V's After Ending sabotaged it like that.

Thing is, Rika wouldn't be as compelling and interesting as she is, if she was truly innocent. That being said, I... relate to her struggles on a deeply personal level. Not as deeply as I do with Saeran, but her story and her struggles do make me choke up to this day. Because, in a way, I see my past self in her. Being able to read through her story, her thoughts, and her feelings have really made me form a genuine fondness to her. Her religious trauma, her painful path of learning to survive in an environment that actively tries to harm you at every possibility, her fears of being the devil everyone says she is, her inability to accept and love herself, because all she has ever known is pain, danger and hatred... It hurts. I think, everyone has that little voice inside their head. Telling them that they are bad and undeserving of the love people close to them are expressing. That everyone actually hates them. That there is something inherently wrong with them. It's heartbreaking that, in Rika's case, this voice has eventually consumed her to the point of no return.

When you are an abused child, who knows nothing but the hostile world they have at home, it will follow you into every crook and cranny of your life. Even when you're not home, even when you're 'safe', your mind and body will still be on high alert, as it's natural to try and keep yourself safe from harm. Rika's fear of the world around her, her deep inner self-hatred is something I have experienced as an abused child/young teen. It's debilitating, and it's heartwrenching to think that so many people have to suffer like this.

I think the beauty of her story to me is the sheer tragedy of it. It's a tough pill to swallow, but people are not born evil. She has done horrible, immoral and unforgivable things, and yet, in some twisted sense, her heart was not filled with malice as she did so. She believed she was saving Saeran, she believed she was providing her believers the safety and love they couldn't get elsewhere, she believed she was trying to show her old friends the truth by taking them to her side. Of course, none of those things are actually true. Her real intentions were selfish, albeit not evil. A desperation to be loved and not abandoned. That dichotomy is both beautiful and tragic to me. (Some of these are very bad quality bc I can't screenshot stuff right now)

Of course, there's also the whole V/Rika debacle. Personally, I never put all of the responsibility onto either one of them. That takes away the beautiful tragedy of their shared bond. V - or, Jihyun - genuinely cares deeply for her. He is heartbroken at all the suffering he sees her go through during his route. Of course, it's not just his care for Rika at play, but we're not talking about him right now. While, for Rika, he was her only anchor, her light, the one person who saw the real her and accepted her instead of forsaking her. At least that's what she thought. Rika and V are two very hurt and troubled individuals who have met each other at the worst possible time. And that makes it so sad to me. Neither him nor Rika truly wanted to harm one another. Whether there was any romantic love between them or not, they did care for one another deeply. Too deeply, even. Clinging to one another in order to satiate the emptiness they had inside, each in their own toxic way. It was not healthy. But it was genuine.

And I love tragic bonds, be it romantic or not. There is something compelling about two people who do want the best for one another just causing more harm than good. It's also painfully truthful. Not to such an extreme, but the struggle of doing what's best with no direction is one many can relate to.

I guess, to conclude this all, I'd say I love Rika for her complexity most of all. There are so many layers to her, and her story is truly a heartbreaking one to behold. But, God, is it beautiful, too.

Also, may I just add, her voice actress is absolutely amazing? She puts her all into playing Rika, and her story wouldn't be as moving if it wasn't for her breathtaking work. Her voice acting made me cry a whole lot of times.

#mystic messenger #mysmes #mysme #mm #rika kim #kim rika #mystic messenger rika #mia talks #anon #i wish tumblr would let me attach more screenshots :(#this is a very long way of saying I LOVE FEMALE ANTAGONISTS!

16 notes · View notes

saintbleeding · 2 years

Text

hi im thinking about fundamental character contradictions. here are some of my favourite character contradictions.

i know it’s a pretty superficial one but im never not going to be tickled by peter being The Supreme Lonely Guy with his Excellently Crafted Affable Dude Persona

the fact that melanie cared so much about her work and her field of interest that the pursuit of it caused something to happen to her that made her disaffected and violent and angry to the exclusion of all else

similarly(ish) basira’s very granular, specific pursuit of knowledge (alchemy comes to mind) and how that attention to detail is exactly the thing that helps her to escape the unknowing by actively shutting out information (eye/dark basira forever)

daisy’s change and pursuit of recovery is the thing that is killing her

tim’s deep love and care for those close to him is exactly the thing that fuels his resentment and rage (the loss of danny being such a blow to him, and, later, his becoming so abruptly disillusioned with jon despite their prior relationship)

elias being so terribly afraid (an extremely human way to feel, initially) that it causes him to express it outwardly as inflicting pain and suffering and terror on anyone and everyone (though, ofc, it could be argued that this is less a contradiction and more the natural progression of someone allowing themselves to be fueled by a single selfish desire for two and a bit centuries)

is it sufficient for my martin dot-point just to be “martin”.

ok i guess not

martin’s selfishness and spite coupled with his deep capacity for love and empathy (”i think our experience of the universe has value. even if it disappears forever.”); his generally rules-for-thee-but-not-for-me ethos, especially when it comes to impulsive reactions to his own emotions (eg. oliver.)

similarly, and almost directly opposite, jon’s particular brand of selfishness—which yeah i know sounds bonkers but listen.

one of the most fascinating traits of jon’s (in my interpretation) is his near-compulsive need to flagellate and heap extra guilt and castigation upon himself—regardless of how undesired by others or unproductive a thing it is to do. in fact, i think there’s an argument to be made that his drive to do this to himself, if anything, ultimately heightens his culpability in his actions, insofar as it further skews his unavoidably subjective view of things, and his insistence on heightening his own pain becomes self-perpetuating, even as his internal motivation continues to be a desire to mitigate as much harm as possible to those around him.

just to be explicit jon did nothing wrong and should have eaten more brains if anything.

there are a lot more than just these and i do think there’s more nuance to each of these but i wanted to write em down bc ough do i ever love ppl fighting themselves as well as external obstacles <3

#my #tma meta #saint meta #yup that's a tag now ig #tma #as i said i know there are some sweeping generalisations in this post but. plops this down runs away

127 notes · View notes

f3mcelbambi · 6 months

Text

why i had to lie to gf about having a crush on her

i have liked gf for over a year now and we only became properly friends a couple months ago. it was very evident from the beginning that gf hadn’t been treated very kindly in her life and i think in her eyes i was probably the kindest to her. (she did call me the nicest person she’s ever met). and when i realised that, i knew that i couldn’t tell her about my feelings for her

throughout our friendship i have been very loving to her, a lot more than she would expect out of a normal friendship. this came from the bottom of my heart, disregarding my feelings for her. once gf started to realise this, she assumed that i had feelings for her then quickly tried to cut me off before even two weeks of being friends.

i understand that her religion prohibits these things but she didn’t even ask me? she just came to the conclusion herself and that really hurt me. because if that’s why she thinks i’m so nice to her, it would make me feel so shitty

recently i’ve been going through a hard time accepting my sexuality as my mother is openly homophobic and i am closeted to her. she makes lesbianism seem like the predatory thing which makes me feel so awful about myself. i do not want gf to see me as a predator for liking her

the fear is that gf will think the only reason why i was so kind and loving to her was because i wanted something out of her. almost like i am grooming her. i don’t want her to think the only reason she’s capable of being loved is because there has to be romantic feelings involved

what made this worse was that camo came into her life extremely overly friendly under the pretence that she had feelings for her, but ended up traumatising gf by sexual assaulting her multiple times. gf already has a skewed view on homosexuality, and camo just made it worse

admitting to her that i have feelings will make her feel disgusting about herself as we have sexted multiple times and we have had a very intimate and explicit relationship. i don’t want me being a lesbian to affect her view on herself

as gf is extremely close minded, i’m sure she would blind sight all the love i’ve shown her, and see it as a lustful desire. me calling her beautiful and admiring her, she will not see as a simple compliment but as a seduction attempt

she would re evaluate our entire friendship and come to the conclusion that none of it was real.

on this blog i talk about loving her… a lot. you have to understand that there are other factors as to why gf has been so important in my life:

- she was the only friend i had

- she is my favourite person (bpd)

- she is the closest friendship i’ve ever had

and the list goes on and on and on. i think having genuine romantic feelings is almost a bonus to everything else. i do genuinely put those feelings aside most of the time when talking to her. because i know how much my feelings disrupted our friendship before i even fell in love with her

i hope you guys understand why i had to go to such extreme lengths for this girl to not find out about my feelings for her. it would completely re wire and alter her view on our friendship to something that never even existed. and that’s the worst thing i could ever imagine for us

19 notes · View notes

ladyintree · 3 months

Note

Hey friend wanna talk about jackietai relationship 🎤

yes :)

I think their perspective of the other is heavily skewed from both sides. I can't talk much about jackie's side other than what we see unfold in the narrative, with her getting jealous of tai's closeness with shauna based on the fact that shauna is pulling away from her from some unknown reason (to her) and she seems to want to take that out on tai. which isn't tai's fault, and tai isn't close to shauna out of spite, but it's clearly very skewed for jackie just as it's very skewed for tai's perspective of jackie, too. because a lot of thoughts tai has about jackie aren't necessarily real; it's just what she's convinced herself of or what she's assumed about her.

because tai was not close to either of these people before the crash. I think, for the most part, jackie as a person annoyed her. she's not someone she would have wanted to hang out with regularly; their personalities clash as it is, and jackie's is one tai finds incredibly grating. we see evidence of this before and after the crash. she's already dreading whatever compliment jackie gives her at the party, and she is just as surprised when it's something not only genuine, but very personal, because this was a day in which she was feeling insecure and worried about what she did to allie, and jackie took her drive and reframed it, telling tai there's something to be proud of, which ultimately leaves tai feeling strange because she's not expecting that from jackie. it doesn't really change her mind about her, though. she's quick to belittle her in the wilderness when she suggests the seance and tell her she's being childish-- while also laughing when shauna suggests they do it, too, making her reaction to jackie very specific to her and the way she was behaving / how she brought it up.

tai sees jackie as this epitome of the perfect little privileged white girl. she has always seen jackie as the girl who gets everything she wants ( and it doesn't matter if that's true or not; it's just the way tai perceives it. ) the way tai sees it, and the way that is true at least to some extent as we see from the conversation with martinez, tai is the one who overexerts herself trying to go above and beyond to get what she wants / what she thinks she deserves, while jackie gets it handed to her with little effort, based solely on the fact that she's her. jackie is framed as the popular girl who everyone likes while we've heard enough evidence to know that tai wasn't necessarily popular and wasn't exactly close with many of her teammates, whether or not she was respected.

I think jackie's talk with coach martinez is the most telling: he outright suggests that she doesn't deserve to be the captain based on her abilities. it's more of a strategy move based on her influence, and in the same conversation, he implies that tai would deserve it more for her abilities. tai always wanted to be captain because she saw it was an honor + a sign of her being the best ( which, like, isn't true for the captain title, but again, it's how tai views it: she's the best player on the team so she should be captain. ) when jackie's announced captain, tai can't make sense of it other than the fact that she is once again losing to jackie because jackie gets everything handed to her without earning it. and maybe she always didn't like her, but this is the point where she actively starts resenting her for it and it becomes personal. excluding her from the allie plan was done without hesitation; she didn't trust her as a leader, didn't trust her to not stop her, she went behind her back because she knew it was the only way to get it done. "jackie won't like this," tai does not care, she's not a part of it for a reason.

the vote about going to the lake in episode 1x03 is an extension of this; it's tai's chance to win something back. it's her her way of proving once and for all that she was always meant to be the captain and jackie is wrong. she takes pride in not only finding the water and giving them a sense of hope — but equally just getting to win over jackie, because she never feels like she gets to win over her back in civilization, and it's refreshing, like a sign that she can finally get somewhere out there. we see this a lot in the wilderness — tai feels more comfortable taking leadership roles because she doesn't feel like anyone's going to stop her this time. back at home, she was always stopped, always told someone else deserved it over her despite her not believing it. she does it with pride in the wilderness and it's clear that she has these leadership abilities that didn't get her very far in civilization, but they're clearly influencing many people in the wilderness.

she really doesn't trust jackie out there, as evident with her either disagreeing with all of jackie's suggestions or getting frustrated with her lack of drive. tai is the kind of person who needs to keep moving forward and keeping herself busy at all times in order to get to some kind of progress, while jackie is clearly struggling to find her purpose out there, and tai resents her for that. when jackie still tries to reclaim that kind of leadership by suggesting things like the seance, it only frustrates tai more because she feels like she doesn't take it seriously ( even if jackie is 100% valid in her own fear and insecurity out there. )

but despite everything, she does care about jackie, even if she's not willing to show it all the time. tai is one of the few people who tries to stop jackie from leaving the cabin before her impending death, and she tries three different times + tries to urge shauna to talk to her later. she's persistent about it even though 1) she's clearly on shauna's side, and 2) she's usually the last person to want to stick up for jackie. maybe she could have done more to get her to stay ( I think this is something that tai often thinks about herself ) but I think she also realizes that tai is the last person, especially in that moment, that jackie wants to hear from. jackie calls her out for wanting this the whole time because of her own skewed perspective, assuming that tai and shauna buddied up to push jackie out, but that was never what it was about for tai. she and shauna weren't even friends before tai found out she was pregnant and became the only person shauna could really confide in, the same way shauna was the only one tai could confide in after finding out about her sleepwalking. they didn't intend to get so close, it just happened, in ways they couldn't possibly explain to anyone else, including jackie, so tai is mostly caught off guard when jackie's insistent that tai would've wanted to push jackie out. because that was never her intention, not with her best friend.

unlike the others, tai has had months to process what shauna did to jackie. when she found out, she was more concerned about taking care of shauna than really considering the levels of betrayal against her best friend. still, she urged her to talk to her about it and to take that route rather than dying just to keep her secret. tai was always trying to get shauna and jackie on the same page, always trying to get them to work it out - but of course Jackie wouldn't have known that. so when they actually do blow up, it already felt inevitable to tai, which is why she's at least trying to get jackie to stay because she knows it's not worth blowing up their friendship for, but of course jackie isn't going to hear that from tai. she just doesn't know how to reach her because she has never been the one to reach jackie.

her grief over jackie is incredibly complicated because she spends most of her time in the aftermath simply worried about shauna and how shauna's reacting. you can't go through what she and shauna went through in episode 1x06 without being intimately bonded to each other for the rest of their lives, and now shauna is experiencing the worst trauma she can imagine, and tai is entirely focused on trying to keep her alive now. it's too familiar to her after she felt responsible for van's almost-death and shauna was the one to help her through that too. so, really, tai never properly grieves jackie herself, doesn't even know how to process her own feelings for it because she's too wrapped up in shauna's. she didn't like jackie, but she didn't want jackie to die. she didn't want any of this. it's complicated because for the first time, she realizes she never really knew jackie personally; everything she knew about her was just her own perception and assumptions, and that's just something she has to live with afterwards. everything she feels for jackie is just an extension of her care for shauna.

also important to me: tai did not vote for jackie for homecoming queen.

#hc.#anyway. if you care

5 notes · View notes

electricpez · 10 months

Text

i will say. that having a tfa shockwave fictive in our system has honestly kind of skewed the way i enjoy the fictional character.

i think people think having an introject of your favorite character is a cool and lucky thing to have but tbh it's not much different from any other alter. they aren't equivalent to their source, but he feels close enough that it becomes... uncomfortable and sad? sometimes?

rambling ahead

idk i feel like i still love shockwave (the character) but our fictive's issues with identity and discomfort with fandom portrayal and the idea of roleplay causes us to keep more of a distance from the fandom than before. i haven't read any fanfiction for almost a year, i don't really talk to other people much about transformers. at most, i'm like "yaaay yippee!!" and its genuine but i can't express anything much deeper without starting to feel guarded.

and, i am not really attracted to tfa shockwave anymore. there is still a sexual component due to our sw fictive being a protector as well as a "sexual" alter (not towards me). he is still handsome to me of course, but when we see art of him, our alter sees himself. and he does enjoy fanart when he deems it "accurate". is this egotistical? or is it because he will never see himself in the mirror? because the reality is, he will never be "Shockwave", our body is his body for as long as we live. no matter how much he looks up at the stars, he won't see Hadean. there is no Cybertron for him to return to. no megatron for him to serve under. it's not real. all he can do is adapt to living life alongside me and the rest of our system, on earth, facing the reality of what "IS" instead of his perceived "WAS".

He struggled at first to come to terms with it. it was sad to feel him mourning his "past life", and for him to finally acknowledge that he would never be able to go "home". He's doing well, now. i guess i shouldn't be surprised. After all, there is nothing logical about denying our reality. He was never the real shockwave, there is no "real" shockwave. he was born in our brain.

when it comes to fandom stuff, his standards and my standards for what qualify as "acceptable and enjoyable" are not always the same thing.

like. i dislike shockblurr. I won't unfollow people for shipping it. a lot of cool artists like shockblurr and it's a popular ship. but I don't really *get* it and i don't really like seeing it.

shockwave(alter) doesn't mind shockblurr at all. he's never once thought of blurr or frankly any autobot that way (ultra magnus, of all bots, comes close? in a hate-fuck sort of way. i don't get it tbh. dude likes old men like himself ig), but he finds it strangely fascinating and somewhat...entertaining? humorous? as long as he is portrayed "accurately" (not accurate to canon necessarily, but accurate to how he sees himself), he does not care. but still there's a level of uncanniness.

imagine reading fan content strangers made about you?? most stuff would probably be "i would not fucking say that", but occasionally you might have one that's like, "wow, that's interesting. this is exactly how i would respond in real life! that's kind of scary."

uhhh idk where i was going with this. i just felt like i wanted to say something.

anyway. my headmate shockwave and the character shockwave are like two different people to me. i love them both but in different ways. and since we can't completely separate him from source, it feels odd sometimes when our view of the character and our view of him kind of overlap.

#system stuff #rambling #osdd #personal #we're not used to sharing so much OSDD system stuff. we are cringing for lack of a better word #maybe i should delete this #altertag:shocky #fictive

13 notes · View notes

hedge-rambles · 1 year

Text

"And who even cares about Babs?"

Been having some thoughts about Naberius Tern, following on from this post (OP @sainamoonshine) about Babs, and how we really ought to think more about him.

First things first: 1 - Our views of Babs are, I think, heavily skewed by the fact that Gideon is our POV character in GtN and she just straight up doesn't like him. 2 - I think @masctoast was onto something about Taz dropping Boofy to get us all thinking about Babs, but take it one further and it might be that he's still going to be important somehow beyond as just a fancy outfit for Ianthe.

I've written afore about how I think we need to definitely not underestimate Coronabeth, that despite Ianthe's view of things, Corona is wickedly smart and in a lot more control of situations than her sister ever realises. From that post:

The Third House is the house of lies and deceit said with a shining smile, of pretty words and poisoned knives. The reductive characterisation of the house as a whole is grasping and underhanded and raised to deceive for their own motives, it’s their job, but Coronabeth Tridentarius is an entire level beyond that.

But the thing to remember is that Babs is also Third House, and he was in on the ruse the whole time as well. Babs knew Corona wasn't a necro, and spent much of his life bonded to the two of them as part of the Grand Deception. And we know that was a partnership made up of two cavs and a necro really. I think that, fundamentally, Corona and Babs had a lot to connect over, having similar strengths (beautiful, strong, cavaliers) and similar trials (24/7 Ianthe exposure) and, though we don't see it played out in the books explicitly, we can infer some things.

In NtN, what is one of the first things Crown says to Ianthe wearing Babs? She complains that Ianthe just can't do Babs' hair right, and implies that she can and always could style his hair. She also used to do Ianthe's hair for her, and it's an intimate act in many ways, social grooming.

In GtN Corona reveals herself to be a fairly decent swordswoman, trained with the rapier in secret. Who exactly do we think trained Coronabeth? I think it's safe to say it was Babs, one of the only people in on the fact that she wasn't a necro. They shared their training with each other.

The first post I linked talks about the fact that, read a certain way, Babs is plausibly spending a lot of time making an arse of himself in order to protect Corona's secret. But I think, with that in mind, we can reread a specific early scene in GtN to suggest Corona is also protecting Babs.

Ianthe is cruel and vicious and self absorbed and prickly, and of the trio she's the only one who's an adept. A flesh adept no less, and presumably able to inflict some truly unpleasant non-lethal acts on anyone who draws her ire. In their first proper scene, Gideon spies them all having one of their little tiffs, in which Babs has a go at Ianthe in defence of Corona. How does Corona respond? She leaps to Ianthe's defence, pinching Babs' ear and telling him to back the fuck off. We know now that Ianthe was not someone desperately in need of protecting, neither physically nor emotionally, she wasn't some weak, wilting wallflower.

So why did she do it? Was it because of her deeply enmeshed, codependent thing with her sister? Well, yes, obviously. But if we consider that Corona and Babs may have been genuinely close friends, actually cared about each other's wellbeing...that can be read as having another layer to it. That is to say, Corona is protecting Babs from Ianthe, by taking control of the situation, salving Ianthe's anger and also ensuring that the only harm that comes to Babs is relatively minor, compared to what Ianthe might be able to do.

And it makes sense, the three of them have been together for a long time, and for all Ianthe and Corona desperately love each other in their fucked up way, I think Corona and Naberius may have had a very deep connection as each other's confidants and friends. Babs was one of the few people Corona could bitch to about Ianthe, one of the only people who genuinely knew what was going on with them. Babs was the only person she could really talk to about cav shit, who knew she was truly made to be a cavalier, not a necro - her secret sparring partner.

We can never take anything said and done by the Third House at face value, their whole deal is social subterfuge. Knives and plots hidden behind glittering smiles. I think Corona spent much of her life deceiving Ianthe as to how much power she actually wielded, how much control she actually had over their ruse. In NtN we see how quick and adept she is at handling Ianthe, even when her sister is on a level of power unto a minor god.

And I'm not sure we can even trust her words fully at the end of GtN when Ianthe ate Babs. In that scene, Babs is dead, Ianthe is Ianthe and Corona is a blubbering mess, distraught.

Corona recoiled from Gideon and looked up at her, her golden hair smeared to her forehead with sweat and tears. “She took Babs,” she said, which seemed fair enough. But then Corona started crying again, big tears leaking out of her eyes, her voice thick with misery and self-pity. “And who even cares about Babs? Babs! She could have taken me.

I think it's safe to say that part of this is 100% as it's surface read, Corona's massive co-dependence with Ianthe, she honestly feels upset that Ianthe didn't eat her soul. But I think there's another layer to her grief, that Gideon thinks she's been mistaken about after the first pass. I think she's genuinely upset about the loss of Babs, her friend and confidant, her second closest person other than Ianthe.

"And who even cares about Babs?" You did, Coronabeth Tridentarius. You cared about Babs.

#tlt #gtn #nona the ninth #naberius tern #coronabeth tridentarius #content warning: ianthe tridentarius #idk it just got me thinking #like I genuinely think Ianthe felt very little about Babs #not nothing but comparatively little #but Corona? I think she genuinely cared #she asks why Ianthe didn't take her and part of that is deffo their deranged thing #but also perhaps part of it is also her grief for Babs #she's genuinely rather she died instead #both to be a part of Ianthe and because I think she would rather Babs had lived #If there's one thing we know about Ianthe it's that for all her intellect and brillaince #she's honestly terrible at reading a situation #she thinks she's the main character - that it's all about her really #that she's just so much smarter than everyone else around her #and in some ways she absolutely is!#but their big ruse over the years? that wasn't kept up by Ianthe really #she did the necromancy of course and that's not to be ignored #but the actual misdirection? the convincing people that Corona was a necro too? handling *people*?#that was Corona and Babs all the way

27 notes · View notes

tzigone · 11 months

Text

Rewatched Dirty Dancing for the first time in at least a decade

Rewatched Havana Nights, too. I've seen the original mores time, but it's been at least a decade since I've seen either.

Of course, the story is a moment in time and ends there. But people like "what happened next" and I totally went to look for fanfic on it, I admit. Way too many "she's pregnant" stories - hell no. Johnny should not have trouble getting condoms at that time in history and given Penny's recent trauma, I just don't really buy them not using birth control.

But what do I think would happen? Well, I want my couples together. But what do they do, besides be in love? I will say Baby and Johnny are part of the formation and growth of each other and each other and the the events influenced their world views in ways that would linger forever, even if they didn't stay a couple. But I'd keep 'em together, because I'm a sucker for happy ending.

I admit to not watching all that closely this time around, so may have missed details telling us what they might want.

Did Johnny really truly love dance in the sense of wanting it as a career? I know Penny said it was all she ever wanted to do - not sure if she was being honest about it. If I made one really have success at it, it'd be her, I think.

I remember how Johnny felt about about Baby's father helping Penny. Now, yes, saying he's nothing is part of his own skewed view of his own worth. But would he like to be able to do something "important" because it's what he wants, instead of just for the regard it would grant him? That ability to help, and the willingness that Baby had to do so, are something he so admires, and doe he want to emulate it?

I do think Johnny has both desire and disdain for that upper middle class lifestyle (indeed, some of the disdain at, least, is envy-driven, though some deserved, as well). The security, the comfort, the women who take care of themselves and smell nice and all the "softness" and ease are have their appeals. I don't know if he could accomplish it - college isn't expensive then (well, depending on where you are), but affording to live while you are at school is an entirely different thing. And I'm not sure his pride or sense of "rightness" would allow for college-graduate wife Baby paying his way through later (and, of course, he'd be older). College is by no means a necessity, though. But what flavor of meaningful work would suit and please him?

Anyone else think his uncle might be better off than his own folks - union painter/plasterer would not be bad pay (though it depends on how many weeks work there are each year, and, of course, is blue collar).

Baby. Frances. She grew up so much. She went from viewing her father as almost perfect to realizing he was a (still good) man with his own flaws and biases. She learned you can't always change the unjust things, but trying matters anyway. But she's not as naive anymore. It's obviously important that she not give up wanting to help - to make the world a better place. But it's the method of it, I'm curious to. Will she be a lawyer or economist or something else? Certainly, I don't expect her to live in the same sort of "bubble" she grew up in - with the idea that "those people" are "other" - that it's good to help, but that they occupy different social spheres. So I do think she'd want a more mixed (economically, socially, racially) environment and social circle in her adulthood. Does she still go for the Peace Corps or for more mundane help at home? The world and youth culture change so much in the next few years (though we have to be mindful that the actual sixties had a whole lot boring, non-activist, traditional life-style young people), and how is she affected by those changes? Don't want her the cynic.

Then for Havana Nights, there's a whole other pickle with the political elements and consequences. Javier is hopeful for a brighter future. And Castro was quite popular for a quite a while, and there really were significant improvements in life for many. But he not a proponent of violence, and the executions, imprisonments, and setting folks up to spy on each other will not endear him. So how long until he leaves, and what does he do when he does? He's devoted to his family and is the major financial provider for his mother and nephew. Having dependents makes so much more difficult. Will he get leave for the US? Will he get his family there, too or just send remittances? And his brother is a whole 'nother can of worms. Even if he does come to the US, he absolutely not going to mesh well with the earliest/first-wave emigrants, who favor Batista like US influence over Cuba.

Katey is very much the typical teen in that she no idea what she wants to do with her life. She doesn't have a "direction" or dream job or anything like that. Still very much finding her way. Just with broader horizons after her experiences. And far more cognizant of of the impact of politics. Don't know what I'd have her do.

#Dirty Dancing #Frances Houseman #Johnny Castle #Javier Suarez #Katey Miller #Dirt Dancing Havana Nights #Havana Nights #Baby Houseman

9 notes · View notes