On May 31, from the quill’s final rest to nature’s mighty test, and a whisper that shook the halls of power – a day etched in history.📜🌊🕵️‍♂️

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Aveces creo que no soy suficiente

Que no soy el plato fuerte de nadie

Si no ese que te dan para matar el hambre mientras esperas

A alguien mejor, alguien que te llene más

Y no se que hacer para que alguien se quede conmigo

Para que alguien me prefiera

No sé como cambiar mi sabor,

Pero si soy la que más lo intenta

...

Aunque,

Por una vez,

Quisiera ser yo la que puede decir no

Diary entry no. 1

Dear diary, I've been thinking lately. I've been thinking about sex. I wanna be fucked soo bad. I want to be touched everywhere but my virgin ass isn't going to lose my virginity anytime soon. I've also been thinking about death. I wanna die. God I wanna fucking cease to exist, die a virgin, die pure, die a holy woman and give my body to god fully. I don't know how many times I've given my body to God already. Ive given my face, tits and ass to that greedy man but yet I still get treated like shit. God is a greedy selfish man. He takes but never gives like every other useless man. I prayed to God to give me a man that will take me and love me. A holy man. A priest. Anything. Yet nothing. Fucking hell. I might aswell give myself to Satan. I don't even believe in God but still I pray for a man. For my sanity. Fuck, for a gun and a few bullets. Just anything. Fuck you God. You selfish ugly man. You're just like the rest of them you manwhore.

- Bella Lacrovn

Taking up writing as a way to release

I have so much feelings pent up, and it feels like no one is listening OR maybe its a tonic mixture of I'm unable to clearly express myself.

Needless to say, I'm learning a lot in relationship. My Current hurdle is believing a person, this person in particular is able to be faithful to me. It's a tough fantasy to swallow and believe. I already has my reservations, that were confirmed by his infidelity earlier on in our relationship. In addition to this, according to history he hasn't been faithful to anyone. So what makes me different. As I write this I almost feel foolish to believe that he is, but I want to give him the benefit of the doubt right? *squinty eyes*

If I can change, can't someone else change?

IF I can be faithful, doesn't someone else have it in them as well. I'm only human, I'm no better for worse then the next, so why isn't the capacity in others? Or is it, and I'm just looking at it pessimistically?

Unsure, we'll talk more later.

-In Memory of Vanity

Entry #1: 16th November, 2022

Mediocrity. I want to escape that word so badly that I fall face first into discontentment. I find that the desperation to escape it only makes mediocrity my fate and I find myself chasing it, wanting it while abhorring the idea of it. Abhorring the fact that it may as well, one day, manifest into a reality that I can no longer escape from.

Currently, I am suspended amidst a realisation of this inevitable mediocrity that is somehow destined for me. I am suspended here because I feel that I can change it, you know? My fate. Am I strong enough to change it? Can I change my circumstances, my identity of which I am both shackled and liberated? I don’t want to be mediocre. I want to be isolated in my genius.

I want to be so different that I barely recognise myself. And yet, I cling to familiarity, levelled sustenance and balance like a thirsty bedouin in a desert, in search of water. I beg myself sometimes, on my knees, facing the mirror while tears of blood cling to my cheek.

“Please” I say, “please, do something, achieve something” and in the next minute I am wrenched away from the reflection of me, the desperation leaving her eyes and in its place there is mirth. We laugh at each other, then we laugh with each other and I forget that I am still hurtling at a foreseeable demise.

I love that I forget, I love that we both forget, bloodied cheeks pressed hard against the others, the cold surface of the mirror separates our madness from mingling too much. See, the ‘mirror me’ is my friend and yet my worst enemy. She is a bystander to my destruction and to me, bystanders are the worst of creation.

"And when I think back to these small moments between me and him, it’s just that; thinking back. I don’t feel emotion, sorrow, or happiness. I just remember them happening like I’m watching a movie about a girl I’m completely unattached from, almost like I’m watching a movie about a girl I hate. "

-My diary, September 21st 2022

Björk, 1994

03.04.2024 – this morning i made a matcha latte with my new milk frother. i had no idea if i was using it right but i think it worked well.

Lol the reason why i am so inactive here is because for the time i am free, i do techniques to manifest and also spend more time on Tumblr. The rest of the times im just busy living my life so as to maintain balance. Ig that’s the sign of a real master manifestator

i need advice: ok so ive been talking to this guy for a while now n he talks to me about how much he wants to date me and how he likes me n all this other stuff but he literally wont ask me out on a date (like he’ll say like “so when are we going on a date” but i cant tell if its serious or not idk if this makes sense). then when i try to bring up a bf/gf relationship hes all like i dont like myself enough to be in a relationship when its all he talks about being in with me. idk if that made sense but like waht should i say im so confused ? should i ask him out cuz im getting tired of just waiting for his loser ass to do it himself (like just to go on a date with him to see if even i wanna be in a relationship with him) or like what do i do its starting to annoy me LMAO

Reassurance

Reassurance is a weird mind trick. A strange need that comes out of the emotional part of the brain.

I have mixed opinions about reassurance. The need of reassurance, at least.

I honestly don't precisely know where I stand. I've always thought I didn't need reassurance. And for most part; no, I don't. But at the same time, I kind of do.

Depends on the matter. And there's only two matters I can think about. The romantical aspect and the professional aspect.

Romantical

If I think about it in my own feelings and not in the general person's, I think I do need reassurance in this field. Everyone needs a bit of it. I, by no means, need to be reminded that someone loves me all the time. I don't need to hear it every day. I don't need to hear it at all, actually. The words- the words mean nothing. Everyone says it all the time to everybody else. The meaning was lost a long time ago. I don't need to be told I look presentable or pretty. It's just not a need. If anything it makes me cringe; not that I don't like to hear it, I appreciate it but it's strange to hear someone say something I say to everybody all the time without hearing it back.

My need of reassurance here lies within fear. Like most of my life, if we're being honest with ourselves. My life revolves around and is built on fear.

I need to be told I'm unreasonable, basically. If I were to describe it, I'd tell you to picture a little wooden guy just sitting in a white infinite space. He's still then out of nowhere, in the silence surrounding him, he starts building walls; placing bricks on top of bricks. - and that's fear for you. And what I need is someone to take those walls down with a simple blow (because that's all it takes. Those bricks are not even held up together by concrete, there's no fundaments for it, they're just placed on top of each other. Meaningless and pathetic) and tell this little wooden guy "what the fuck are you doing, man?" He'll stop right away and realise that wasn't even a decent wall.

Professional

I don't necessarily need someone to tell me how good of a job I'm doing. Especially in the job I'm at right now. But in the job I want. In the field I want. Even now, every sonnet I write, every melody I compose, every riff I come up with. - There, I do feel like I need the average person's reassurance. No, I don't need them to tell me it's good rhyme, it's a good metaphor, it's a hell of a song for me to believe it is indeed good. It does feel really fucking good tho. And it fuels me to make more, to work harder; To know that I'm good at this thing that I've always loved, at the thing I live and breathe for.

-

I'm not someone who works out of spite. Who goes out of their way to prove people wrong. I'm fine the way I am. If I know something is good, why run and sweat for that validation.

Reassurance is a weird mind game. I still don't know where I stand. And that kinda fucks me up

Te odio,

Odio tu nombre único, y como escribes versos inteligentes que desearía haber escrito yo

Odio pensar en como eres tan bonita

Y como tu feed de instagram capta mi atención en el primer instante

Odio que te hallan roto el corazón, y tu manera de escribir que me deja sin aliento

Odio pensar que estás allá afuera

Viviendo tu mejor vida,

viviendo amores y desamores

caminando por calles desoladas

Escribiendo versos

Captando miradas

Como una chica triste e inalcanzable

Odio pensar que yo sigo aquí

Odio pensar que te llevaste mi vida

Quiero ese dolor para mí

—Prefiero tener todo el dolor del mundo antes que lidiar con este vacío —

i'm baaaaaack

and better than ever may i add.

some parts are still not working out as i wanted them to, but i dont mind that at all anymore. i'm ready to leave it all to the universe's timing.

today i also finally released a cycle that was not doing me any good and i feel GREAT. you know when that person you loved and hurt you over and over again but you were still unable to let go does something that finally makes you let go of the little love and respect you had left for them? well yeah that happened today! all i can hear is that song that plays all over tiktok "war is overrrrrrrr". it is indeed over. FINALLY I'M FREE AND I'VE NEVER FELT MORE GOOD. thank you spirit guides and thank you universe.

how the fuck do u find the vertebral artery 😭

Love in Moderation

I love romance. I am enamored with love, its intricacies and imperfection. I gave up locked away the hopeless romantic in me. She believed in a prince who fought dragons to save a princess they barely knew. She dreamt of vampires who would bear the pain of loss for eternity just to experience human love that’s a minuscule blip in their lifetime. She smiled with the hope of strangers meeting over the same love of books or coffee or sunsets or murder. She believed in Achilles’s scream of agony upon Patroclus’s eternal slumber. She longed for the most destructive, heart-wrenching, all consuming yearning love of the other. She believed in a love so grand it’s a whole new monster to grapple with in the next dream, terrifying and paralyzing yet prayed and slept for.

I hate her. She made me weak and always so forlorn. In my time in this world, i have found a fear beyond unrequited love, wrong-timing love, forbidden love, fell-out-of-love love. To have all this love in your cup, but none to pour into. It terrifies me that others may see the love in my cup, but think it to be too much or too little or too purple or too thick or too wanting or too romantic, just not right for them. They see me as lovable and desirable and sexy and fuckable, but it’s not for them. The same way you’d turn down a different brand of coffee if your favorite is Starbucks. It’s not terrible but you’d prefer something else.

I hate her dreams of excess. She taught me one way of love, the love that hurts all the way to the bones. Love that’s bright and all-consuming, all stardust and blackholes. It is powerful. It is the love that embeds and exudes from every fiber of being. L o v e in all its glorious intricacies and prose and tears and grand silences. It may not be loud but it is grand. It hurts, in good and bad ways, but it has to hurt because if it does not, is it truly love? If it is not grand, would I want any of it? I love with all that I am. I was once told that I love too much. It was true. But I don’t know how I could ever process being told I want you, but l e s s. They saw all that you can give, but refused. How do I stop asking what piece they’d want cut off?

I love, not in moderation. But I wish i was just right to be loved too.

source: pinterest, @m0llz4

fyi it absolutely works ladies. i pinky promise <3