I can’t decide if it would be better to hope they adapt to my high ph or try and alter it

I am an angry person. It's not in a reasonable, rational, or understandable way. Regardless of the presence or absence of cause, I have been angry for as long as I can remember. Sometimes it's seething, like boiling water. Sometimes it's a quiet, burning glow, like embers. But my anger is always there, and it serves as the beating heart of who I am.

This frightens a lot of people, particularly those who have been hurt by angry people. Hearing that someone has anger as an integral part of them is, to some people, tantamount to hearing that this person is going to hurt you. It also confuses people who have met me. I'm consistently considered to be one of the gentlest, most caring people in a group. Children and small animals consider me a safe person.

Anger and gentleness are seen as opposites, traits that are incompatible with each other. Anger is seen as something that makes you hard and sharp, loud and fierce. But most of the time, my anger is what makes me gentle.

Anger, for me, isn't an aimless, formless force most of the time. When my anger is at a healthy level, it is a source that I draw on to have the strength and fuel to be kind. It's a deep well, and I tap it frequently. There's a comic I've seen around, more than once, that your anger is the part of you that loves you. For me, my anger is also the part of me that loves others.

My anger hasn't always been this way. It used to be harder to control, because I was a child with an unusual, overflowing amount of anger, and no idea what to do with it. The way I was told to deal with it was always to make it less, to put it away, to extinguish it.

I tried so, so hard to make this happen. Trying to extinguish my anger was like trying to fight a wildfire singlehandedly. It left me burnt, tired, and hollow, because a part of me was gone. When I didn't have it, I was cold and empty. Worse, it meant that when it flared back to life, I didn't know how to manage it. I scared a lot of people, including myself.

So, what changed?

I read books about people who used their anger as fuel to do good. People whose anger didn't overwhelm them, who embraced their anger as a part of them and used it to do amazing things. People whose anger didn't make the people they loved fear them. People who were angry, down to the deepest core of their being, and were still as good, important, and helpful as those who weren't.

Many of the people I read my anger into were characters that other people didn't see as angry. They were "passionate" or "cynical" or "protective". Their anger was reframed in a way that made it more acceptable to view positively. Still, I saw how those feelings burned in them. Sometimes low and warm, sometimes hot and fierce. Always within their control.

I found things to be angry about, things I cared about enough to dedicate a part of myself to them, and poured my anger into them. My anger came back to me, and I didn't try to kill it anymore. I made it mine. I made it me.

My anger and I cannot be separated, and still have me be the same person. It would be like trying to separate me from my sorrow, my joy, my love. I would, and have, hurt myself badly trying to do so.

Does this mean that anger should be left unmanaged? No more than grief should be, or joy, or love. Sometimes an emotion is too strong to be healthy, and you need to rein it in. Sometimes, it's not appropriate for the setting, and you need to refrain from expressing it on the spot. Anger is not uniquely evil or less your own than any other emotion. Attempting to eliminate it is damaging.

If you are going to take anything away from this post, I would like you to consider your own anger.

How would you be different without your anger? How would your life be different as a result? How would other people's view of you change?

Inside a Submissives Soul

Dear Diary -

After our previous meet, I messaged him a few days after asking him how he felt. He said he was happy to see me but mindful of things I had said about being done and asked how I felt. I responded I was happy to see him but I feel lost for words. I sent him a track that was supposed to sum up how I was feeling, that if we aren't going anywhere he needs to tell me as he had pulled away so much. I also said he could read my blog if it aids understanding in where my head is at, he later said he feels this is a personal thing and doesn't want to invade the privacy unless invited to do so which is fair. He said we could meet the following week and so we did.

Getting in the van, lighthearted talks about how people in the world can be at times and some amusement in pointing out the directions repeatedly. We headed to the canal, beautiful day, warm with the heat from the sun being relatively strong but with a pleasant breeze in the air. Parking by the side of the water, we get out of the van, he asks for 30 seconds to tidy up, I start counting, he comes to me for a hug. He holds me tightly taking a deep breath, I feel he is heavy. I tell him he has 10 seconds left, he doesn't let go and I don't want him to, not ever. After letting go he gets in the van giving it a quick tidy. He sits on the seat and taps the free space next to him, I sit beside him, we have another hug and a deep breath or two. He is heavy, so so heavy, I am unsure what to say, how to initiate talks, he gets to that point for us.

I know this is incredibly hard for him. He tells me there is just so much stuff in his head, some days are ok, somewhat good, the rest aren't so good. His bad days have had him in a dark place, dark enough to consider not being here but said he won't give up. It breaks my heart that he is in such a bad place, I hope he never gives up, it'd destroy me indefinitely. This isn't about me, not completely, I often feel very selfish and shameful with how I think and feel. It is very much about him too, already he is my world, he has been for quite some time and he important to me to the point there is no comparison, no question about it. My hand almost always making contact with him to try and bring him some comfort whether it be stroking his back, the back of his neck, his arm, his hand. A way to try show him it's ok and he's safe with me.

I said he needs to know what he wants and go for it, sod everything else, within reason, I know he has commitments and that's ok but at the same time he needs to realise his self care is extremely important. It is his life and he needs to live it for him, not for everyone else, the reason he changed everything in his life in the first place. I know it is all easier said than done too. He leaned over my lap, said that I don't need to worry about him, I responded that no matter how much he says it, even if he says it till he is blue in the face, I will always worry about him, I'm a natural worrier, that won't ever change, even when if I know he's OK. I ask if I'm overthinking things, I don't know how he needs me to be with him, I don't know how to be for the better. I say he needs to talk to me, stop shutting me out and leaving me to question things, that as result, I feel like it's ending or it's about to. I hate the doubt and concern that reside in my thoughts. He said I don't need to feel that way but understands why I question things, I'm not wrong to and he isn't really sure how to reassure me. I said consistency, let me know somehow, even when life is hard, let me know we are ok, his silence scares me in that I don't know what is happening.

He moved from beside me needing to stand from having being sat most of the day. Standing just outside the van, close to me, he continues to try to explain how he is feeling, he would begin to say something but then stop. He seemed so lost and so lost for words. Sometimes he just needs quiet, his head is the noisiest place to be which I understand, my thoughts often deafen me so I can imagine it's loud in his too. He leaned over my lap again with his arms around me. I said to him not to give up, not to pass that pain onto others, I understand it is extremely hard at the best of times. He then sat by my feet with his legs out the van, putting my feet on him. He spoke to me about the lead up to where he is now, when we first started seeing eachother and what happened when things stopped between us, the point at which he finally walked away from his personal life. I know all of it was incredibly painful, I can only imagine, him shedding a few tears, all I could do is be there with him. I feel sad for him, not like pitty, a soul sadness. He is hurting and I just want to take I away from him so he can feel free from it all. He said he has never been like this, never been broken like this. I said he's not broken, he's under reconstruction. He has compartmentalised so much of himself over the years, I said this is part of the problem. It is unhealthy to suppress parts of yourself, which then leads to an explosion of emotion and right now, he's overloaded with emotions because of the repressed state he has lived with for so long. I am a prime example of suppressing emotions, I really do understand, I really do feel for him.

He slowly began to settle, sharing some of his pain with me I hope relieved him in some way, even if it's just alittle. He has said, which I am hoping is what he definitely wants in his life, that he is looking for work within the surrounding areas of where I live and aims to find suitable living arrangements as well so he can spend alot more time with me. He has really had enough of his job, he needs to move on. I am more than just thrilled if that is the case, of course I want that too. I am only concerned on whether this is truly something he wants for his life. He needs something new, a fresh start and if it means I can't be apart of that, if it means he gets better and finds happiness again, then despite my devastation, I would want the absolute best for him. The only way we will know I guess is if and when it happens.

He then asked me where I am at with things, I asked in return in what context, he responded he wanted to know everything. I note that he has been touching my lower leg for a while and ask if he is enjoying himself, he smiles. I let him know I have been offered a job that will aid to getting me on my feet to become independent and it should make a start on my career path. I have a plan B if it isn't for me over the next couple of years. Right now I am just trying to be patient in waiting for the progress of change to take effect. Hopefully by this time next year I should be able to say I'm at the point where I am happy with those changes and they have long been in effect by then. The next 6 months are going to be the real tester, there are likely to be many ups and downs between now and then but I will continue to push through. Like him, I have good and bad days, I will take the time and space to rest when I need to if I am feeling I am struggling again. As always it is one step at a time and each step is a small step.

As things settle, he suggests to get a bite to eat in the little cute traditional pub we have been to a couple of times. Time for a wander, arriving and ordering drinks, I ask if he is going to let me treat him for a change. I can tell he is a little reluctant but agrees I can get the drinks in this time. I pay and take a bathroom break, meanwhile he has found a bench outside when I return, I sit beside him. Him straddling the bench, he pulls me in close to him while he is eyeing up the food menu. He is contious that I don't always eat alot and tiptoes around about it. I understand he doesn't want me to feel pressured, I don't, I'm not too fussed but I agree to nibble at whatever he has. He goes back to the bar to order pizza and some chips. We have a good chat about anything and everything whilst waiting and continue whilst eating. We talk alot about alsorts of different things, life, family, friends, experiences, joke at one another which I am terrible for, I tell him I'm only mean in joking around because I like him. If he told me to stop I would but he tells me not to. He makes a comment about being able throw me in the canal, I tell him he wouldnt dare, he responds with "really?". Yeah I know he could and probably would, I retract the dare! Something was said earlier along the lines of being able to lift one another, I'd be able to lift him with the advantage of water but I can also be wirey when I need to be. He isn't big but being male he has the advantage of being physically stronger. Keeping me close throughout, we get to the end of our drinks not long after finishing with food. He is hugging me, little kisses here and there, I tell him I see the glint in his eye, I think he knows exactly what I mean. Before heading off I go off for another bathroom break, he has made his way back to the entrance so we can leave and we have a wander back to the van. On the way I ask about his gum line healing, it has improved but there is a niggle of discomfort still.

Back at the van, he asks what I'd like to do, if we should have a walk along the canal but he is mindful I may start getting cold as the temperature begins to drop. As he says this is I have a 'coliwobble' shiver, he says in the van it is and jokes I can wear one of his jackets. I am fairly small, it would probably be like a dress on me. I do like the idea of wearing his tshirts, in comforting sense. We get into the van, he sits nearest the door, pulls it across so there is a slight gap, I sit beside him, resting against him for cuddles. We watch the world go by, the lovely scenery, the water on the canal, it's nice, as always, in his presence, all this, all these moments bring me such peace.

I feel his breathing change as he holds me. He asks me if I am comfortable where I am or would I like to play. Instantly the ache I feel for him 24/7 grows, I feel myself go all squirmy inside. I say I happy with whatever is he, he rolls his eyes and says he always wants to play. I agree, I do too, I just don't want to seem like a, he reads my mind 'a sex pest', yes that! He isn't about to complain of such things, he points out that first thing first, is to get me naked. He stands up, hands out for me to follow, I remove my shoes, taking his hands to stand, his hands graze over my face, my neck, my hair, he kisses me. He prompts to move over to an area of the van just infront of the bed as there is more space. I turn around removing my glasses and watch to place them on the counter, his hands feel over me, I lean back into him as he kisses up my neck groping my chest before I move.

With more space, he comes in closer after moving a couple of things elsewhere in the van. His hands over my neck, we kiss. Something about this, when he does this, I feel a vulnerability flow through me, a haze fills my head, it's just him and me. The ember like smouldering I feel within me burns hotter, it won't take much for him to ignite me. He removes my top, my vest top then my bra giving my studs a teasing tweak. He moves us so we switch sides so my back is now facing the bed, he lifts me onto it. I always tell him he will put his back out doing this but I do really like that he can lift and move me around so freely. Up on the bed he removes everything on my bottom half, my leggings, thong and socks. I lay back ready for him to join me. He removes everything he is wearing and comes up onto the bed, I assume he is about to lay beside me, I am wrong, he is straight over the top of me. I feel a rush of lust when he is over me, I crave his masculinity. Although I'm unsure I'm ready to take him, I know my body is open and free for him to take however he pleases. I am always ready to be his. I long for the day he tells me I am his.

His body over mine, in his shadow I can feel his member between my legs, the tease like touching of him smoothly nudging against me. The natural slight resistance as he sits at my entrance, he slowly begins to push himself into me. I shudder and squirm, he always feels amazing, I feel a blissful fullness as he slides deep into me. As we merge, instantly my body wants to respond with a release, I am eager to, his movements encourage the growth of my imminent orgasm. "Cum", he whispers. My god, I do, hard, it's echo blast though me and lasts forever. Though the peak subsides, my body is still there on the permanent edge of peaking. He tells me, "cum'", again, within moments I peak again, not long after, I'm his "naughty w***e" and told to "cum" again, another wave rushes through me and again. Our foreheads meet as our eyes lock onto eachother, each climax rippling into the next. I am on fire.

His pace changes, he slows, pulling out, pushing himself back in, he feels so so good, telling me he's doing it slowly and says for me to "cum gently", I do again. I'm not sure it's a gentle one, I'm not sure if my orgasms are ever gentle, everytime I slip of the edge into the climax, they swallow me whole each and every time. I am already trembling, he tells me I'm a "good girl", I feel a sense of fulfillment. He continues to thrust himself in and out of me, slowly, then deeply, then harder, rotating through the motions within me. He says to me "hello pretty" and 'poof', I am gone, I don't know if I said hello back but I thought it. He has said this to me many times over the past almost year, everytime I do it makes me feel special, it makes me feel like my Dominant, my Sir but most of all, the one I love, a love that is soul deep, sees me for all I am, all I am not doesn't matter. I know I am responding but only with my body, I have lost my voice in the way of I cannot grasp reality anymore. I don't know how many times I came, it felt non stop, as I become even more sensitive I feel myself pushing away from him only to grip him again to keep myself close to him everytime he tells me to release. At a point he grabs hold of my wrists pulling them down past my hips, even if I wanted to stop, I couldn't, I keep on cumming.

His words, his movements, his pace keep me going on and on, I bite my finger in attempts to relieve some sensitivity. I'm a complete wet mess and unsure I can contain myself any longer. I reach down between us to feel at myself and him, he quizzes me with a grin on his face, "alittle self help?". I am just trying to relieve the intensity of my sensitivity. Since my first first orgasm, everything became fuzzy. I can remember it all, it feels like I was dreaming, only I wasn't dreaming, it was very real. I know he is there and I'm there with him but my head has gone somewhere else, I've floated away. I don't know how to describe this such feeling - it's peaceful at the same time I can feel him. I don't want him to stop, my body is a wreck, I have no control over it, I am so very far away.

I am spent after what seems like an endless state of climaxing. As he slows and stops, pulling himself out of me but still over me, he takes one of my studs in his mouth, he sucks and bites fairly hard but not enough to cause any great discomfort, it feels more than just good. I feel myself fall again, this time it's different, it's just as intense as all the orgasms I have but different, an interestingly good different. He moves to the side of me, letting out an amused comment, "I think we have a broken...(me)". Using his fingers, moving his hand down my body, he plays with my button, I feel a pause to feel his finger on my tongue, using my moisture as lubricant. He repeats this process as he continues rubbing me, he then spanks me alittle, 'her' alittle, right over my button, right over all of 'her', alittle harder each time, again it feels more than just good. Another release comes, just as intense but again, interestingly different. He asks if it's the first time I have orgasmed through pain, I believe it is so but I can't think clearly enough to confirm.

He is beside me, I am still laid on my back, my legs still shaking, after shocks surge through me, the core of me is endlessly pulsating, I can't control it even if I adjust myself slightly to try and do so. They are there after every climax but they are as powerful as my releases, I don't recall having them this strong, it's crazy. He is comforting me with his voice, telling me it's ok, I'm ok as his fingers lightly trace over my sheen covered skin. Everything is still peaceful but hazy, the trembles are a rude disruption. My eyes are open but I can't see anything, everything is blurred. I feel as though I am having an outer body experience but I'm not, again, it's hard to describe, I can't find the words. Wherever I am, I'm there but I'm not. My breathing is shallow and short, I can hear him advising me to slow it down, deep inhales and exhales. I try. As I do, as I feel myself coming down, coming back, I feel overwhelmed with emotion, it just comes out of nowhere, I feel my darkened blurry eyes fill with tears. I don't understand what's happening and why it's happening. He pulls me in closer to comfort me and tells me to let it out. I'm starting to regain control of my body, I let out whatever it is but only alittle. As my self awareness reappears I push it back down, I don't know why I did that, I know I am safe with him, he really does look after me. I guess I felt I need to regain my composer. I am coming back, I am starting to be able to move more freely again. He asked me questions but I can't remember what they were, I do remember him saying he is asking too soon. I blink a few times and come to, he is interested to know what I've been feeling, he needs feedback so he can understand but I can't understand myself enough to fathom anything let alone words. He says we have found something new, I can now climax on demand, which is very new, something I thought I would never be able to do as I haven't had the ability to do that previously, the last couple of weeks it has happened. I have also pushed the feelings from pain down to where I feel my climaxes populate and churn as he has always told me to, so now I have been able to release through that as well, it finally worked. What has changed within me, I do not know, I feel a great sense of personal achievement. He is still curious about what I have felt, where I went, what worked etc. All I could respond with, "it's you". He chuckled and felt it was still too soon as he wraps his arms around me, I need time to process it all. Even now as I write this, I don't fully understand it, it felt insanely wonderful but I really don't know how to describe any of it, I was there but I wasn't there. I seemed to switch off, I was at peace but after filled with emotion, I was out of this world, how I felt was out of this world. Whatever it is, was, just wow, that was one hell of an experience. The week before, that was wow, anytime with him has always been wow but the feeling was spectacular and wow!

There is a breeze blowing over me, I don't recall him putting the fan on. He says thank you to me, I'm not sure what for, I can't remember if I thank him too. It's starting to get late, he needs to think about making a move to his hotel for the night. As we lay he has his arm round me, he is running his fingers over my skin on my back, he starts giving it a gentle massage. I tend to get alot of back pain down my spine, he is attentive with this, the only one to be that way with me, tonight my shoulder blades are tense with exercises I have been doing. He says to roll onto my front as he starts to massage my back, he is so sweet. He asks me where my tension is, I reach round to show him around the blade areas. He gets right into my tissue applying pressure, it helps a great deal.

As he stops and sits back, he is straddling my legs, he has a growl like chuckle to himself and squeezes my peach cheeks. I give it a wiggle, he leans over me pressing himself against me, I can feel him growing. I want him to take my ass, I want to feel him spread me open, he suggests we need lube which I have, however, he is mindful of needing to get ourselves together. I continue to wiggle at him, he says "next time", I wiggle at him again as a plead. He tells me I'm a "bad girl", yes, yes I am, it's his fault for being such a tease. He moves himself off me and gives me a few spanks and a final caress. I tell him he can't do that as he gets himself up, he says he can and he will. He really is a tease.

It's time to get dressed and passes me my clothes to do the same. I feel absolutely whacked. We chat but I can't remember what about but I do remember giving him joke like digs about not taking my ass on the way to dropping me off. He laughs when I do with that shock like gasp, I tell him I'll stop, he reaches a free hand over to me to reassure me it's ok. I keep yawning, my yawning sets his yawning off, he says he's not even tired. Pulling up, after taking off my seat belt I lean over to him to give him a hug and kiss. I tell him once again, "be good, if you can't be good, be safe" and get myself out of the van. A light is on in the back which I mention not realising it's the - doors are open - light, duh. With a little wave and "bye", I shut the door. I walk around the corner, he drives past, I wave again and off he goes. I can't help but smile to myself. I hope I see him again real soon.

It seems the majority of my doubts and concerns are in my head. He is here, albeit we don't talk everyday, I'd like to because there are times we have done, nevertheless, he is around, he is guiding me in exploration and there is a possibility of our relationship becoming something bigger, maybe something even more permanent. If I keep questioning everything I am going to end up destroying it all, I have ready done enough damage. A few days passed, he said he was busy yet with his silence I felt paranoid and I asked him if there was someone else. I have apologised. He has said for me to "shh, calm yourself, don't be sorry". I am sorry, I feel such an idiot, I am embarrassed and ashamed of myself. I have fallen into a pit of despair and turmoil again, I don't know how to stop the rumination despite therapy and working hard to use the tips and tools given to me to help me through it. I don't know why I do it. I feel very dark, so dark, too dark. I am not in control of my own thoughts, my emotions are all over the place. I don't know what is wrong with me. I am so sick and tired of my own s**t. All I can rationalise in my thought process is that it must be circumstantial with the stresses in life at the moment. I feel so insecure. I should be better than this, I want to be better. I'm not sure what to do, I don't really know what to do. I think I need a break again, a change of scenery to recharge and reset myself. I just want this version of me to stop. F**k... breathe... just breathe...

Love For The Faceless

Corpse Husband x Youtuber!Reader(Female)

Warnings: Swearing

Genre: Fluff 

Summary: Y/N is a YouTube gamer who has recently gained a much larger following thanks to the streams she does with her friends. Naturally, considering her faceless and bodiless nature, people are starting to get curious about her. When she finally follows her friend Corpse’s example, a lot more than her hands is revealed.

Requested by anon, you know who you are 😉 Thank you so much for placing a request and hope this fic fulfills the expectations you have for it.

“Hey!“ I greet the lobby as I finally hop into the Discord call after quickly saying ‘hi‘ to my audience.

I’ve been a YouTuber for four years now and I’ve only recently started streaming, encouraged to do so by my best friend Rae. She’s the one who got me in multiplayer games such as Among Us and Phasmophobia which led me to meet her amazing gaming squad that consists of some of the most famous names on the platform. They are all wonderful people and I will forever be in Rae’s debt for introducing me to them. However, becoming friends with Felix, Sean and the rest of the team brought not only a more fulfilled life, but also a small boost in following. Who am I kidding, it wasn’t small. It was overwhelming, terrifying even.

My YouTube channel had a little over a million subscribers at the start of quarantine and now....now it’s closer to three million. Speaking of three million, I’m about to reach it any day now and it’s really hard to believe. I’m a gaming youtuber and I’ve never considered changing my genre despite expecting to not get any attention whatsoever, with all the big names on the platform. I was convinced not even as many as a hundred people would stumble across my videos and now here we are.

My OG subscribers are very supportive of my sudden growth and are defending me when my newer fans ask for a face reveal or whatnot. While we’re on that topic I might have to mention that not even my YouTube friends, and that includes Rae have seen my face. I’ve been faceless and bodiless for the entirety of my time on social media. Some claim I do it to grab more attention or for dramatic effect, but the reason is beyond that. I’m not shallow. Actually, shallow people are the reason I don’t show my face. I’ve never been the prettiest, but my middle school bully thought that I wasn’t lacking self confidence enough. As a result, I ended up with a not so handsome scar on my right cheek that starts from the corner of my mouth and nearly misses my eye. Yeah, it’s a long and pretty noticeable scar that has thankfully become less and less obvious as the years have progressed. Still, it’s not something I’d like to show to my viewers.

Eight ‘hi’s greet me back, each making my smile grow wider. “Sorry I’m late guys. Technical difficulties.” 

“Don’t worry.“ Rae’s voice dominates over the rest, “Corpse still isn’t here so we’re waiting for him.“

I mute myself on the Discord call and take a look at my comments. I’m most flattered by the comments about my voice. Seeing as how they don’t have much to compliment about me other than my content, they make the nicest comments about my voice, personality and humor. Those comments are the ones who warm my heart most. Even when people in my day to day life compliment my appearance I can’t find it in me to believe they are being genuine. I’d like to believe these amazing people are being one hundred percent honest when they tell me they like me for who I am and not for what I might look like.

“Sorry I’m late guys.“ A deep voice causes me to even physically jolt, switching my focus from the comments to the Among Us lobby where my eyes land on the newly materialized black avatar.

“Hi Corpse.“ Rae greets him.

“Hello mister who broke Twitter!“ Sean laughs, provoking the laughter of the rest of the players.

“Yeah, congratulations man. That’s a big deal.“ Felix chimes in.

“Thanks guys, but I think you’re forgetting we’re talking about a picture of my hand.“ Corpse chuckles timidly. I have noticed how shy he gets when someone gives him a compliment - like a snail slowly withdrawing in its shell. I find it adorable.

“That’s what makes it even better!“ I unmute my mic, sending my own congratulations.

“While we’re on that topic...“ Rae begins, waiting for the rest of us to shut our traps, suggesting she has something important to say. “Y/N, do you ever plan on doing a reveal like that? Not a face reveal. Just a body part reveal.“

I have no problem talking about the subject with friends but I get nervous when I’m supposed to discuss it with my fans. Seeing as how everyone, including myself, is streaming right now, I get a bit of a stutter in my speech. “Haven’t thought about it yet. But I guess a body part reveal is harmless.” I cringe immediately after letting the words leave my mouth, “That sounds so weird.”

Rae knows that I’m not too fond of my face, but I haven’t told her about my scar yet. I let almost all people I’ve met online think I’m using my lack of appearance for effect. For the mystery of it all. Mysteries attract people which equals attention. Attention equals views and the domino effect continues.

“Just a suggestion. No pressure.“ Rae adds quickly, knowing full well I get anxious when the subject is brought up in front of cameras. “Let’s get this game started, shall we.”

                                                          * * *

The idea dwells in my mind, sitting on the back burner even after I disconnect from the Discord call. I’m sitting in my gaming chair, which was a gift for my two million milestone, and weighing out the pros and cons of the action Rae suggested I take.

“It’s a picture of your fucking hand, dummy. How bad can it turn out?“ I say out loud, shaking my head at my indecisiveness. “You’ll be fine.”

In a blur, two pictures are already posted on my Instagram. The first one captioned ‘Took a leaf from my friend’s book. Did I do it right @ corpsehusband?’ and the second ‘Thanks, Rae. These are on you.’

Rae’s POV

As I’m watching a movie in my living room, I get a notification from Instagram, informing me that Y/N has posted for the first time in a while.

I scoff, “More like the first time in forever.”

The first thing that comes to my mind is the possibility of her reaching that three million milestone that’s been long time coming. I bring the glass of water that’s sitting on my coffee table to my lips, taking a sip as I tap the notification. The picture I see makes me hurry to put the glass back down so I don’t drop it. Y/N’s hand. Her fingers are covered with several thin rings each. And here I thought Corpse had too many rings, this girl has at least two on every finger! 

Then my eyes land on the second picture she has posted only minutes after the first and my heart drops. I struggle to get the water that’s been sitting in my moth down my esophagus while my mind is struggling with the task to comprehend the picture I’m looking at. 

Another hand is resting on top of Y/N’s. A hand also covered in rings but fewer and larger. The nails are painted black. 

I think I know who it belongs to.

Before I can even finish the thought, I’m dialing Y/N. She picks up after the second ring, sound cheery as ever as she greets me. “Hey Rae!”

“Don’t you ‘Hey Rae’ me!” I practically scream. I hate being kept in the dark about anything ever so this is just driving me mad. On top of all, she’s my best friend, for fuck’s sake. “Is that Corpse in the photo with you?!”

“Ugh....“ the cheeriness to her voice is all but gone now.

I go on with my rant, not giving her the time to reply. Not that she would reply. I bet she doesn’t know what to say. “So he knows where you live?! Or was the picture taken at his place?! He knows what you look like?! You have seen him! He has seen you in real life but me, your best friend, haven’t!!! You are breaking Covid 19 protection laws to take pictures?! Are you fucking serious, Y/N?!”

There’s a long moment of silence which frustrates me even more but I literally have run out of things to yell and the power to be angry. I mean, I still am, I just can’t express it.

“Rae, sweetheart, please calm down. You’re scary when you’re mad.“ This girl has some fucking nerve! She’s on the verge of laughing!

“Listen here you...“ 

“Rae, please stop scaring my girlfriend.“ That oh so distinguishable, oh so familiar voice interrupts me.

I am flabbergasted, for a lack of a better term.

“Now that we’ve got you quiet, I can explain.“ Y/N pics up the conversation, “Corpse and I have been dating for six, almost seven months now. We started dating around Easter after talking for quite some time. We moved in together at the end of September. All thanks to you, Rae. You’re the best.” She pauses to breathe in real quick, “There, all caught up?“

I’m in no less shock than I was before she explained. Actually, I think I might be even more confused now. It all just feels like a fever dream. “Yes...no. I don’t fucking know! I need details, Y/N!”

“Details later.“ Corpse makes his presence known once again, “We’re watching Family Guy right now. Talk to you later.“

“Love you, Rae!“ Y/N calls out before the line goes dead.

My arm goes limp, dropping my phone on the couch next to me. 

“Motherfuckers” I mumble under my breath.

Y/N’s POV

It’s been a week since Rae has stopped talking to both Corpse and me. I know she just needs some time to cool off. In the meantime, the rest of our friends were informed and, as oppose to Rae, were nothing but supportive and overjoyed. I bet Rae feels the same way though. Sean, Dave and the rest of the gang have confirmed that she’s incredibly happy for us and says she noticed a spark between me and him since day one, but she can’t help but be mad at us, and especially me, for not telling her sooner.

“Any regrets?“ I remember Corpse asking me when we hung up on her after dropping the bomb.

“Not being able to see her face when she saw the picture.“ I beam at him, feeling as content as ever.

He laughs, agreeing with me before leaning down to kiss me.

@susceptible-but-siriusexual  @simonsbluee  @save-the-sky  @hacker-ghost  @itsminniekat  @bi-andready-tocry  @imtiredaffff  @jazzkaurtheglorious  @hereforbeebo  @fandomgirl17  @chrysanthykios

Remember...?

Draken x fem!reader (mainly fluff slight angst)

Finally got my first request yall 🥳 I couldn’t strictly follow the request like i wanted to but i hope thats alright, the gist is still there. anyways thank you sm for it and i hope you enjoy 

TW/CW: Mentions of sex, mentions of alcohol, mentions of sex work

WC: 7k (omg the most ive ever written🙆🏻‍♀️)

Note: I changed my writing style a bit for this request so i hope yall don’t mind! and again i dont read my stuff over so my apologies if theres any mistakes lmao

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You sat on the street, overheating as you watched the ‘heat waves’ coming off the ground. You held your hair up with one of your hands since you had nothing to tie it with, while the other held a lukewarm water bottle. You sighed, you felt so anxious and frustrated.

What now?  

You thought letting your mouth part due to your heavy breathing 

You took things too fast. It had been about 3 weeks since you left your parents ‘home’ and why did you leave? Well there were a number of reasons that are a bit too much to list, but all that matters now is that you’re completely and utterly on your own. 

You only managed to scavenge small jobs here and there to get some money to buy some basic necessities but nothing more. 

“Sorry Y/n, my niece is coming down to Tokyo and I told her she could have a job here and stay at the studio above...I’m gonna have to let go. I’m sorry.” said your boss to you only a couple hours ago, with pity filled eyes 

“...No it’s fine really! I understand.Thank you for taking me in while you could.” you said bowing your head at the man, biting your inner cheek trying to keep a level head 

“I’m happy you understand. You can leave your apron and hat on the cashier. On your way out.” he said patting your shoulder as you slowly brought your head up 

“Right..” you said taking off your apron and hat as you walked slowly to the cashier, placing it down 

You brought your hands to your temples out of stress, trying to figure out what you could do now. You only had very little money, and there was a heat wave striking Japan this week. At least your boss allowed you to live and pay rent in the small studio right above his store, which had an AC, but now that was for his niece.  

This had been the first time in a while where you had no idea what to do. You had always been the type of person to be able to take care of yourself and your problems..on your own. All your life since you can remember, you always had to be the one to take care of others, not that you mind or minded...but you were only so young. You never really had a childhood, at least not that you can remember. You do remember cleaning up after your parents who lost all will just to even... parent. You remember taking jobs as a babysitter at a really young age in your apartment complex to make some money.. You remember being the reliable older kid of your school and complex, where kids would come to you asking for help with things like homework all the way to buying something for them to eat because they were hungry. Not once did you ever say no, because you really did want to be there for those kids who’s parents didn’t give them the care they needed. But it just became too much.. You ended up spending all of your saved up money on them, just so they could have something to play with or something to eat. 

Before you even realized it, you were in your last year of high school, with no money saved over, no scholarships, no one to rely on but yourself. Not even a friend. Was it really the right thing to do? Use all your money that you worked so hard for to help kids he lived next door? Or just plain stupid? You knew you couldn't support them forever...but you tried so hard to. All you wanted was to give them a childhood they never had, and someone to look up too. But now you left them. All because you were frustrated. You felt so unbearably guilty. All the work you put into your studies to get at least some type of scholarship just went to waste because you couldn't handle your life anymore. You were being so so so stupid. 

Before you even knew it, the sun was going down, and you grew even more tired and sleepy. You signed, taking a jacket out of your bag and placing it on the ground so you could rest your head on it. You brought your hands to cushion your cheek as your eyes started to close. The air finally got a little cooler making it easier to breathe and well...do anything. 

As you were falling asleep you could hear chatter and laughing, and finally a tap on your shoulder waking you up. You cringed your eyes before opening them up more to see 2 women. One had blonde hair and the other had pinkish hair. They looked older than you, maybe in their 20’s. One held a bag and the other held a bottle of wine with two glasses, they bent down so their heads could be closer to yours. After examining you for a bit they turned to each other and smiled happily before turning back their gaze to your confused face. 

“Hey?” you said sitting up more, a little startled by the intimate contact they were giving you 

“Hey there, say...what’s a pretty girl like you sleeping on the street for?” asked the girl with pinkish hair that was tied into pigtails 

“I uh..don’t have a place right now so..” you said scratching your head 

“Really? Hmmm.” said he one with blonde hair 

“How old are you? And what’s your name? I think we can help you out! Woman to woman!” said the pink haired girl smiling sweetly making you feel fuzzy at their niceness 

“18, and it’s Y/n.” you said smiling nervously 

“Nice to meet you Y/n, I’m Remi, this is Rema, my twin sister.” said the pink haired girl pointing to the blonde as she waved sweetly 

“Hi, it’s nice to meet you too..!” you said bringing your hands to your thighs smiling 

“So did you just turn 18?” asked Rema 

“Sorta, 2 months ago, why?” you asked 

“Oh good!” they both said 

“Well, it’s your choice really. One of the girls left today, and the boss sent us to scout another girl to take her place, buttt we just went to buy food with no intentions of finding someone but luckily we just found you! It’s perfect!” said Remi 

“Oh? What work?” you asked getting excited 

“Oh silly, we live in a brothel! It’s really not all that bad you know, great pay and rooms...so what do you think?” asked Rema 

“A brothel..” you said under your breath 

Your mind was in a serious state of concentration. 

It can’t be all that bad, right? You just have to please people and go on with your day so… that’s what i've been doing my whole life… plus… there's a bunch of women in those things right? I probably won't get too much attention from customers if there's sweethearts like Remi and Rema walking around...so...just for the time being… I think it could really work out in my favor. 

You thought to yourself 

You brought your head up, giving the girls a closed eyes smile before shaking your head ‘yes’ making them jump in excitement. 

“Oh good!” yelled Remi grabbing your hands 

“I’m so excited! We haven't had a new girl in years! How do you think Ken will react?” asked Rema smiling as you 3 all started to walk 

“Ken?” you asked furrowing your eyebrows at the familiar name 

“Oh right, We’ll have to introduce you to him and everyone else tomorrow. He’s the bosses foster kid..I think you two are actually the same age.” said Rema bringing her pointer finger to her chin 

“Mhm mhm! Oh and since you're new, tomorrow I will take your pictures for the board, you can borrow one of my sets till you can afford to buy one for yourself, how does that sound Y/n?” asked Remi smiling and holding your hand 

“It sounds..great! Thank you so much.” you said bowing your head slightly 

“No worries! Hopefully the boss will take you in.” said Remi patting your head 

“Yeah..” you said as you 3 continued to walk to the brothel 

You couldn't seem to get your mind off of that familiar name..Ken? You swore you knew someone named that. It definitely wasn't a popular name so it’s not like you knew it from some type of T.V program.. After thinking hard your whole way to your new home you couldn't seem to remember them. The person named Ken. And so you decided to brush it off for the time being. 

The brothel was pretty big, and consisted of 12 girls, not including yourself. It was really late so everyone was asleep. Remi and Rema showed you to your room which was much more spacious than your room at home. They told you that you were allowed to decorate it and style it however you wanted. But they told you it was important to know that this was the room where business would be done, and not to leave important things around since some of the men came into brothels for the sole purpose of stealing. Remi even told you a story about how one of her clients tried to steal one of her panites, but then the boy named Ken stopped him by knocking him out with one punch to the stomach.   

“He sounds strong-” you laughed as they gave you a small tour 

“He sure is! Like the bodyguard of this place! He’s a sweetheart!” said Remi smiling 

“I’m sure..!” you smiled 

“Alright that’s about it, you should shower now and get ready for tomorrow. The boss will probably wanna take a look at you before seeing if he wants you. But I'm sure he will! You're pretty so it’ll go smoothly!” said Remi handing you her shower stuff for you to use for tonight and a set 

“Got it, and again...thank you so much. I really appreciate it.” you said again 

“Of course! Remember..we’re neighbors so feel free to knock whenever you need something..Also I can give you some tips before your first client so you know what to do.” she said smiling 

“Right, goodnight then!..” you said feeling your face get hot at how she so easily talked about sex. 

After that, you did exactly as she said, you showered. You thoroughly washed your body, face, and hair. Getting out you looked down at the set Remi gave you. It was just a black bra and matching panties with a silk cover up which made you feel better knowing you could cover up with that.  

You rubbed your mouth as you started to rethink your decision. I mean...you respected sex workers..but was this life what you were willing to settle for? Aimlessly waiting around for some random horny man to choose you and do things with you just for you to get only 40% of the payment? Was this all really worth it? Leaving home to avoid your problems...to end up here? You were grateful, yes, Remi and Rema were so sweet and open with you. You could only hope that the others were just as nice. You really wanted things to go well, and that can only start with some good rest. 

You woke up to a knock on your door, to see Remi and Rema walking in with a smile 

“Morninggg!” they sang as you quickly got out of bed 

“Hi!” you said frantically 

“No need to rush! Usually men start coming in at 10, but since you don't work here officially yet you got to sleep in a bit! But the boss called for you, you should go to the set up room down the hall to get ready, remember it?” asked Rema 

“Yeah I do. Thank you for waking me-!” you said smiling and grabbing your stuff and shoes 

“Course, good luck Y/n!” they said as you quickly walked out of your room to get ready 

As you walked in, there were a few other girls getting ready. You smiled and introduced yourself to them, and them to you. They were all so nice and pretty. It made you feel a little bit better about being here, and less nervous since they complimented your looks. You got ready in about 10 minutes, letting one of the other girls help you out with your hair and stuff like that. You gave yourself one last look in the mirror before stepping out and waving to the girls ‘bye.’ 

You nervously walked to the boss's door. You took a deep breath before knocking. You heard a muffled ‘come in!’ so you walked in smiling while holding your covering close. You gave a nervous closed eyes smile before seeing his office was simple, just a desk with a bunch of papers and a chair on the other side. 

“Y/n, correct?” he asked placing down his paper and taking off his glasses to look at you

“Yes.” you said smiling 

“Pleasure-” he said leaning over the desk to shake your hand 

“Likewise.” you said smiling, shaking his hand firmly before sitting down

“Well, I’m sure Remi and Rema told you just about everything you need to know, I take 60% of your earrings, I use that stuff to pay for rent and bills for you girls and my kid… which usually takes up about 30% of that 60%, meaning you make a profit of 40, while I make only a profit of 30 per girl.” he said 

“Yeah, I was told.” you said smiling nervously fiddling with your hands

“Good good, now that that's over with..” he said getting up ad signing 

“I’m just gonna take a look at you, no need to be nervous I’m not gonna touch you or anything, so please don’t feel worried.” he said smiling 

“Right!” you said getting up 

“Alright just do a quick 360 with arms up.” he said smiling 

“Okay.” you said doing as he said 

He looked you up and down but not in a lustful way at all, it was more of like a ‘just seeing how you’ll hold up’ kinda look, almost like he was a bit worried for you. 

“Thank you-” he said sitting back down as you did the same feeling nervous

“I was also told you’re 18? Right?” he asked looking down at his papers 

“Yeah that's right.” you said 

“Well I don't usually have this talk with the other woman because they're older. I know the age of consent in Japan is 16 and blah blah, but you’re still pretty young, are you sure you wanna work like this?” he asked looked into your eyes 

“...Not entirely but it’s the best I can do right now.” you said with a determined face

“I see- we’ll then welcome, and just remember you can leave whenever you want, but give a 2 weeks notice. When Remi is done, ask her to take your picture.” he said 

“Understood, thank you!” you said said smiling and leaving   

You walked out of the room, closing the door carefully signing in relieve 

That went pretty well.

You thought 

You started to walk down the hall so that you could ask Remi to take your picture. But when you put your ear to the door, you heard lewd noises letting you know she wasn’t done just yet. It was already 5, and the brothel closes at 10. You didn’t really know what to do, so you walked over to the kitchen, sitting down at one of the stools waiting for Remi and or Rema to finish up with their work. You tapped the pen that was on the table and started to look around the kitchen. You remembered Remi told you there were snacks in the cabinets, so you got up and started to open and close them one by one to find something to eat. You finally found a cabinet filled instant ramen, you grabbed one and started to pour water into it, popping it into the microwave that was on the counter top. You stood in front of it waiting, playing with the loose strings of you covering when suddenly you heard the door open. 

“I’m home.” said the tall boy with dark hair tied back to reveal a dragon tattoo on the side of his head 

Is this Ken? 

You thought as the microwave beeped, making his eyes turn to you

You quickly shot your eyes to the microwave, hoping he didn’t notice your stare. He looked so familiar it was almost irritating how you couldn’t remember him. You took the hot cup out of the microwave, placing it down on the counter top, ignoring his presence as he walked over, placing down the plastic bag in his hand, noticing your frustrated face trying to figure out where the utensils are. 

“Left of the sink are where they are.” he said sitting down on the stool across from you after looking at your face a bit 

“Thank you.” you said smiling nervously turning around to grab a pair of chopsticks 

“Are you new here?” he asked taking out a styrofoam box from the plastic bag, opening it to reveal a hot meal of meat and rice and vegetables 

“Yeah..I was supposed to start today but I don’t have my pictures taken yet.” you said smiling turning back to mix your noodles 

“Could you grab me a pair too?” he asked realizing he forgot to take a pair of chopsticks from the restaurant 

“Sure-” you said turning back quickly to grab some for him, placing it in his hands as he gave you a soft smile making your eyes widen slightly. 

“You look familiar..” you both said at the same time making both your eyebrows raise in shock then turn into a slight scoff from the both of you 

“Glad we’re on the same page then.” he said taking a bite of his food as you did the same still standing 

“You know you can sit down, don’t feel nervous.” he said looking up you slightly 

“..yeah.” you said smiling, walking around and sitting next to him. 

“So when’d you come?” he asked turning his head slightly to see your mouth filled with noodles making him smile a bit 

“..I came by last night, really late with Remi and Rema.” you said after finishing your bite

“I see...I feel like I remember you from somewhere, can’t pinpoint it though.” he said looking back down at his food 

“Same here, and you must be Ken though, right? When I first heard your name I swore the same thing but I just can’t remember..” you said before sipping some of the broth of your soup

“Yeah, but you can call me Draken and your name?” he asked getting up to grab a napkin from across the table 

“Draken...sure! Oh right, my bad. It’s Y/n. Nice to meet you-” you said smiling holding your hand out for him to shake

He only completely shot up to look into your eyes with his wide ones. You gave him a confused look as you watched him get knocked out of his thoughts, bring his hand up to shake your hand before clearing his throat and walking back over to sit. Maybe you struck a nerve? Maybe had the same name as someone who hurt him in the past? You really didn’t know but it made you feel interested. He looked like he just had his life flash before his eyes or something. 

“Are you okay?” you asked 

“Uh yeah, I’m fine. My head just hurts a bit.” he said looking as if he was deep in thought 

“Oh? I have some tylenol in my room.. You want one? Or I can make you a cold drink, you’re probably dehydrated?” you asked smiling a bit 

Draken turned his head to look at you, his mouth was parted, and he just looked so..anxious? You couldn’t even tell, almost like congested because he wanted to say something. 

Draken felt his heartbeat quicken when he heard your name. As soon as you said it, a random memory that was buried deep in the back of his mind hit him as he quickly re-lived it. But could it really be you? The Y/n he knew from so so so long ago? Around 10 years ago? There could be no way, he remembers the girl moving to a different city..the chances were so low that it could really be you already. 

But the second you said those words.. Those words of offering to make something for him, or give him something, despite you thinking you only just met him...Made him know that it was really the Y/n he met when he was only a little boy...but how the hell did you turn up here? In a place and part of town like this? He was so confused and just wanted to ask you...but you still didn’t remember him. 

“..No I’m alright, thanks..can I ask you somethin-” said Draken before being interrupted 

“Y/n!! Come on, let's take your pictures!” yelled Remi coming out of her room waving as a man walked out too buttoning his shirt 

“Sorry, just remember what you wanted to say and tell me later.” you said smiling and standing up and walking over to Remi

Draken watched you as you walked away. He saw Remi give you a hug, and the man that was walking out checked you out to which Draken gave him a pissed off look. Making the man smile nervously, wave, and leave. 

Do you really wanna live your life like this, Y/n?

He thought to himself before packing up his trash and throwing it away

Remi took your pictures, telling you to do different poses etc, and you finally settled on one. You walked over to the front of the house to place your picture in its designated area above your name. You signed, stepping back to look at it, fixing your gaze to see Draken was walking over with his hands in his pocket, looking as he was going to leave. You saw him glance at the photo making you feel slightly embarrassed.

“Nice.” he said smiling but looking into your eyes in a way where it looked like he was concerned for you. 

Just as you were about to thank him a man walked in and started looking at you making you feel nervous. The man requested you, and so you smiled at him pointing your hand to where the showers were, as you started to walk behind him, you turned your hand giving a thumbs up to Draken with a nervously flushed face, smiling, as he he brought his hand up giving you a thumbs up with soft and concerning eyes before opening the door and leaving. It made your smile fade slightly, you’ve seen that face before from him. But not from today.. And it was all you could think about during your work. 

As you laid in your room, after work you couldn’t help but feel a little bit...stupid? You felt so unsatisfied, not because of your customers but because you just couldn’t remember. It felt like an itch you couldn’t scratch hard enough, and with every interaction you had with the boy almost felt like a tease, like the itch just became more itchy and your scratches just became more weak. Maybe if you spend more time with him, you’ll remember? 

It had been about 4 weeks, 4 weeks of saving your money, and every 4 weeks the boss collected his fair share of the cut. It wasn’t a pretty 4 weeks, it was probably the worst 4 weeks of your life. But... you and Draken would often exchange stories about your lives late at night which you enjoyed a lot. It always makes you feel better. But yet again you still couldn't figure him out. You felt as though you’ve met him before, and as though you two have had these kinds of talks before. 

Draken only grew more and more helpless, seeing how you still haven’t remembered. He was slowly watching your life crumble. He felt so angry that you settled and believed you deserved to live like this, barely scraping by. He felt so awful, and saw how you grew so tired of it all. He just so badly wanted you to remember him, so that he could once again talk to you like he did before.

You had one last customer before closing, going through your usual routine, this n that, the man offered you a drink. You stupid obliged drinking it, hoping it would make your time more enjoyable but you were wrong, so very wrong, and so very stupid for drinking that stupid drink. You remember some parts, you did your job, then it all went black.. You woke up after hearing knocking on your door. You jumped out of bed, confused. You remember seeing the man leave as you started to fall asleep but that's about it. Usually you never fall asleep after the work because you never do much, your mind started to panic. But the door opened revealing Remi smiling.

“Hey sleepy! Boss says it’s your turn, come on, get your cash!” she said smiling 

“Right let me just..it’s in my drawer..I don't know why I fell asleep so fast I think alcohol makes me sleepy.” you said getting out of bed and kneeling in front of your drawer to get the envelope of cash you had been saving.

“Heh, same here. I never accepted drinks from clients..they never had good intentions with that!” she said coming over and sitting at your bed 

“..yeah.” you said starting to feel that panic arise in your body when seeing the envelope was...gone.

“What's wrong?” asked Remi noticing you were frozen 

“I- the money..It’s gone..he took it..” you said with wide eyes feeling as though you were about to sob realizing you had just lost thousands of yen.

“Don’t say that..it..it probably just got misplaced! Come on, I'll help you look!” said Remi getting up  

You couldn't even respond because of the amount of panic you were in. Your heart was racing and you felt tears fall from your eyes. After about 15 minutes of looking, you two found nothing. Absolutely nothing. You sat on the floor with your hand over your mouth, again, trying to keep a level head. 

What now..?

You thought to yourself feeling hot tears stream from your face.

“Hey..guys? Boss is calling for you Y/n..what’s going on?” asked Rema walking in seeing you covering your face, crying 

“She was robbed by the guy who just left, he put something in her drink to knock her out while he looked around and took the money...she doesn’t have the money.” said Remi 

Rema’s mouth parted in shock and pity. 

How could you mess up something so easy? All you had to do was keep your money safe. But you even failed at that. 

“You have to tell him, Y/n.” said Rema rubbing your back

“Yea..yeah, could you two just give me a second? I’ll be right out.” you said smiling while wiping your face 

“Sure.” they said frowning and walking out 

You fisted your hands, and grabbed your covers before screaming into them to muffle your sounds..

Okay..it was a couple of thousand yen...not too bad right? I can promise the money by tomorrow..I’ll pick up some sort of street job...yeah! That’s good. Everything is fine..it’s fine.

You thought to yourself before wiping your face on more time and slapping both sides of your cheeks to wake you up.

You got up and walked to the bosses door feeling the eyes of people on your back. You knocked on the door before opening it slowly, refusing to make eye contact as you went to stand in front of the man with your arms behind your back.

“Alrighttt, let’s see here, in the last four weeks you had a total of 37 customers, so you should have around 300,000 yen, correct?” he asked looking at his paper 

“Yes.” you said still looking down

“Alright, just hand it to me so I can count and divide it, you can sit.” he said smiling holding his hand out 

“I..I don-” you said before being interrupted by a knock 

“Come in.” he said 

“Hey sorry dad, Y/n left her money with me while she went out. Thought I should bring it to her. Remember, Y/n?” said Draken walking in with an envelop in his hand smiling as he came to stand next to you, as you nodded your head ‘yes’ 

“Oh, thank you Ken.” he said smiling and taking the envelop 

Your mouth parted as you gave a confused look, Draken only smiled and gave you a thumbs up while his dad counted the money. You felt so guilty and shocked, and all you could do was just stand there, like an idiot. 

“Here you are...120,000 back..” he said, patting the money on the table to make it flat, putting it back into the envelope and handing it to you

You hesitantly brought your hand to grab it, glancing over at Draken who gave you small smile

“Thank you-” you said to him seeing Draken was already opening the door to leave 

You quickly followed after him as he walked into his room. Before entering his room he turned around and looked down at you 

You felt your eyes soften as you felt as though you were about to cry again, you tilted your head and neck down biting the inside of your cheek to keep in your cry. 

“I promise I’ll pay all of it back by tomorrow, all 300,000.” you said 

“Do you ever give yourself a break?” he asked as you brought your head up to look at him seeing he looked almost irritated 

“You didn’t even ask why I did it, you just immediately jumped to feeling guilty. And you don’t need to pay me back. Really.” he said bringing his hand to close to the door, but you stopped him by grabbing his wrist making his breath hitch 

“Why?” you asked looking into his eyes 

“You still don’t remember? Even after all this time we’ve spent together?” he asked smiling as you took your hand off his wrist 

“Remember...?” you asked furrowing your eyebrows in confusion, but then it suddenly hit you

“I swear it wasn’t me! I didn't steal!” yelled a little boy with blonde hair as two cops stood in front of him 

You tilted your head and walked closer, but still keeping your distance to hear. It was a winter day and you were on your way to the corner store to buy some snacks, but you were met with an interesting scene. You kept your hands in your pockets as you listened over to the boy screaming and pleading his innocence 

“I wouldn’t steal something so stupid! What would a kid like me need a lighter for!! I don’t know how it ended up in my pocket! Lay off!” he yelled as the officer dangled the lighter in front of his face

A lighter?

“Keep it down! We know how troubled you kids are here! Especially with those tattoos!” yelled back the cop as the boy grew angry and fisted his hands, ready to punch the cop

“Hey!!!” he heard a voice yelled 

“Hey wait a minute!” you yelled waving your hand smiling as you ran to the scene 

“Can we help you?” asked one of the cops in a soft tone 

The blonde boy grew quiet, and you saw his hands loosen as he looked at your smiling face 

“Yeah, why are you two yelling at my brother?” you asked furrowing your brows at the two grown man 

“...Your so-called brother stole a lighter from the corner store right behind you, where are your parents? We would like to have a word with them.” he said standing up straight 

“Yeah, and talk about how they let their son tattoo himself already..” said one under his breath making the other laugh 

You looked over at the boy growing angry, you gave him a smile..making him calm down.

“He said it was just an accident, I asked him to pick up a lighter from the store so that we could light a candle at our father’s grave! See!” you said digging into your bag to pull out a candle 

“He probably felt pressured because I asked him to get it, so if you’re gonna get mad at someone, get mad at me!” you said as you started to fake cry 

“It’s our father's death anniversary, and you're yelling at kids for making a mistake.” you faked cried

“Yeah!!” yelled the boy making you smile under your hands as the two officers became anxious, feeling bad for what they had just done.

“..we’re sorry. Please let us apologize.” they said slightly bowing at you two 

“I don’t think we can accept it...you two also made fun of the dragon tattoo on his head!...dragons were our dads favorite animal. He risked his life fighting for Japan and you two are laughing at him! Is that how your mother taught you how to behave?” you asked pretending to wipe you tears as the blonde boy watched you in awe seeing you toy with grown men 

“Please let us treat you both to whatever you’d like from the corner store as an apology!” they both said bowing lower making you smile and look back at the boy. You gave him a thumbs up as a smile grew on his face 

“Fine..come on then?” you said as both the officers raised their heads, opening the doors of the corner store for you both 

You and the blonde boy walked around the store, filling your baskets with all types of things. The blonde boy watched you in just pure awe as you walked around picking your favorite snacks, as he did the same, glancing at you every now and then. 

“Here.” you said smiling at the cops 

“Right!” they said frantically taking out their wallets as the boy placed down his stuff nervously, still watching you

“Oh and-” you said reaching your hand to grab the lighter from the officer and placing it into the bunch of snacks 

You smiled, your hands were behind your back as you watched the officers pay for yours and the boys' food, placing them into bags for you guys too. You grabbed the lighter and your bag, as the boy did the same 

“Mom told us to meet her at the cemetery steps, remember?” you said looking into the boys eyes

“..yeah, I remember.” he said smiling feeling his face become hot 

“Let’s go then.” you said smiling and taking his hand as you two ran out of the store 

After a bit you two stopped and sat on the curbside while you both chose a snack to eat.  

“Here’s your lighter, you don’t have to stay with me by the way.” you said handing him the steel lighter 

“..Thanks” he said 

“Sure- what do you need it for anyway?” you asked smiling 

“My boss asked for it.” he said putting it in his pocket

“Oh, are you in some type of delinquent group?” you asked looking at him 

“Yeah..” he said smiling 

“That's cool, what do you guys do?” you asked taking a sip of your drink 

“We kinda just...like...do stupid stuff and fight..” he said 

“Sounds fun, but...stupid.” you said laughing making him scoff 

“Why’d you do it?” he asked 

“Do what?” you asked back turning you gaze to him 

“Come in to cover me. You could’ve gotten in a lot of trouble because of me.” he said with a frustrated face 

“You’re right, I just wanted to, that's all.” you said smiling making his mouth part and cheeks redden

“You seem pretty fun too so I thought we could be friends or something..” you said nervously 

“Yeah! Sure- We can be friends!” he said happily making you feel flustered 

“Well then, it’s nice to meet you, my name is Y/n, yours?” you asked holding over your hand 

“Ken, but you can call me Draken-” he said taking ahold of your hand gently as you gave him a closed eyed smile blushing 

“where the hell did you find that candle and com up with that whole sob story Y/n?”

“Dunno, I saw the candle on the ground by a newspaper, I kinda just winged it- “

After that day you remember hanging out with Draken almost every other day. You remember him telling you how he and his close friends started their own gang and needed some sort of funding, and so you gave it to him, on his birthday.

“I saved up! You said that you and your friends needed some money to start off so that you guys could buy a flag or banner? Right? Well, here’s 30,000 yen for your birthday!” you said handing him an envelope and a small balloon.

“Are-are you serious right now Y/n?” he asked taking the gifts, opening the envelope to look inside to see the money as his eyes lit up 

“Yeah, I babysit more kids now so I was able to put some aside for you.” you said smiling satisfied with his reaction 

He didn’t even say anything, all he did was bring his arms around you upper body, hugging you tight making you laugh as you brought yours to hug him back 

“Thank you- you’re the best! The guys will be so happy!” he said smiling while grasping your wrists in excitement. Your eyes traced over his face as they soften. You smiled. 

“Likewise.” 

And- after that, you remember the day you 2 separated as friends. You both sat on the curbside, you remembered you called him to come and see you. It was a winter night and the sun was going down. 

“I uh..well I don’t really know how to say this without sounding cliche but-”

“What? Are you gonna confess that you’re madly in love with me or something?” he asked grinning, making you sweat drop 

“Jeez be quiet...I’m trying to make this a memorable moment-” you signed smiling, placing your palms on the cold cement 

“Alright let’s hear it then Y/n-!” he said bringing his hands to the back of his head as he laid down looking up at the stars 

You only frowned slightly, you shifted your position so that you could sit beside him and have a good look at his face. 

“You’re scaring me..” he said jokingly making you smile 

“It was really fun the past year.” you said smiling as Draken shot his head up to look at you face to face 

“The hell are you talking like that for?” he asked furrowing his brows 

“My parents can’t afford living in any districts in Tokyo anymore, so we’re moving to another city… about 4 hours train ride from Tokyo so-” you said looking down at your hands on the floor

“So? You act like I won't be able to come and see you or you come and see me..” he said ducking his head a bit so that you could look at him 

“Draken, train tickets are about 220 yen per person, I can't afford it, and if you came by to see me I'd feel guilty because you’d be wasting your money just to only see me for like an hour.” you said 

“How can I be wasting my money on you? It’s not wasting if I wanna do it and see you, plus what makes you think it'll only be a couple hours?” he asked 

“I’ll have to start working once we get there, so I wouldn’t have anytime...I wanna start saving so that one day I can come back to Tokyo and live here, so that I can see your dream come true of helping your friend create a ‘new era of delinquents’ you know? I’ll even help you guys if you want with financial stuff or something.” you said smiling at him 

Draken bit the inside of his cheek. He wanted to tell you so bad how he felt but..

“Look, I have a feeling I know what you’re gonna say..just remember what you wanted to say and tell me later, okay?” you said placing your hand on top of his causing his eyes to widen 

“...You’ll remember me, right?” he asked looking into your eyes deeply making your mouth part 

“Yeah, I’ll remember you as long as you remember what you wanted to tell me. Cause I feel the same” you said smiling as a tear fell from your eyes 

“good...I will.” he said smiling back and tilting his head and wiping it off your face

After the memories hit you, you stood there with wide eyes and tears, with your wrist covering your quivering mouth. You had completely suppressed your memories of Draken, and your feelings because you knew you wouldn't be able handle being apart from him for so long. And he did the same. You couldn’t imagine how unbearable it was for him to be waiting up like this. You looked up at him seeing his eyes were softly looking at you. You could do nothing but bring your arms around him hugging him, as he brought his arms around you to do the same. You were still such in shock. 

“I never thought you’d end up in a place like this, living a life like this.” he said against your ear 

“I don’t wanna see you like this, please let me take care of you like you did for me..” he said said tightening his grip slightly  

You could only cry at his words, you didn’t even wanna try to speak because you knew it would only come out as a sob. Was it really alright for you to rely on someone so much?

He pulled back from the hug and looked at your face, seeing you were still crying as you nodded your head ‘yes’, he smiled and wiped them away with his thumb. The smile on his face...he looked so satisfied...and happy...happy that you finally remembered. Finally remembered him.

Career oriented 

Escort! Bakugou x Reader

Your entire life you've been focused solely on your career, you've sacrificed a lot      of things, people and time to get where you are and it’s paid off, now you're a millionaire who is also a virgin and never had a boyfriend in their life. Your friend recommends you a male escort service. At first you hire him to go on dates and do other things couples do but the relationship develops far beyond what you could've imagined, now you're laying under him begging him to be your first. 

cw: smut, fluff, unprotected sex, reader is a capitalist lmao, I mean reader is a virgin but its not rlly virginity loss bc its not focused around that but reader does lose her virginity, unedited (but what's new)

a/n: I mean we always hear abt sugar daddies, I need rich reader pls also- monoma is a rich bitch y'all can't fight me on this he got that rich bitch mentality.

The words ‘hard worker’ were understatements when it came to describing you. Pretty much all of your life was spent working, growing your small business with your own two hands. Now money was never an issue. A huge house with several bathrooms, fancy bags and cars, all the things you've ever wanted were now in your possession except maybe one thing. Seeing happy couples holding hands as they walked around in the park, kissing and calling each other pet names, seeing them stirred a feeling of longing inside of you. 

While it’s true that now you'd never want for anything else in your life, you still wanted something money couldn't buy you, love.

 A small tap to your shoulder brought you out of your daze.

“Your eggs are going to get cold..” Todoroki mentioned and you gave him a small smile before prodding your fork in the perfectly scrambled egg. 

“Hey, don't tell me you're thinking about that shareholders meeting this week” Monoma groans and you shake your head.

“Then what is it?” Momo wondered as she wiped her mouth with her napkin. 

“It’s just- you guys all have someone you know romantically” you say as you rest your fork on the plate, deciding that you weren't really in the mood to eat anymore. 

Monoma scoffs, “Yeah barely...I almost broke up with shinso after that last stunt he pulled in the club” 

Momo giggles, “You're still with him?” 

His face dusts pink in embarrassment as he looks away, “A-anyway, why don't you try getting an escort” Monoma recommends and it was your turn for your face to warm. 

“An e-escort?! You do realize who we are right? If someone in here were to hear us talk about such a thing..” Momo whisper-yells and Todoroki’s eyebrow quirks up

“We all know I met Izuku through a sugar daddy website though-”

You clear your throat, “I’m not necessarily looking for you know..sex...just maybe someone to spend time with Monoma” You clarify and he's rummaging through his pockets to find his phone, he fiddles with it before showing you what the site looks like.

“Duh, escorts just get paid for their time not necessarily sex, I’ll send you the link to the website” He tells you and you sigh thoughtfully, if that was really the case then it wouldn't be so wrong to hire some cute eye candy right? 

Momo waves over the waiter, “We’ll have the check please”

“Certainly ma'am” 

+

You sat at your office’s desk with the website pulled up. You'd triple checked to make sure your door was locked, you still had a reputation to uphold as the CEO of your company, you'd be traumatized if one of your employees saw you hiring an escort. 

You scrolled through the many many options of guys. Each profile consisted of a headshot of the escort along with a bio that consisted of maybe a paragraph and . You really couldn't find anyone that suited your tastes personally, until your mouse hovered over a blonde guy. 

His bio was notably shorter than everyone else’s and in his picture he looked mean, eyebrows furrowed and red eyes staring menacingly at you and yet you found yourself clicking the ‘hire!’ button next to his name. Even though he looked like his favorite hobby was stealing candy from a baby, but his looks (as shallow as that may seem) were really speaking to you and the you between your legs if you were honest.

Bakugou Katsuki huh..well he seemed worth a try. 

+

You had been through countless scenarios were you were rightfully terrified. 

Being on a date had to be the scariest out of all of them.

Bakugou was sitting in front of you, he stirred his straw around in his coffee and looked at you while you struggled to contain the rabid beating of your heart in your chest. 

“S-So..What- um..-”

“Just relax” He interrupts, his voice sounded so nice, deep and smooth like a rich dark chocolate. It only manages to make you more nervous. 

“I’m sorry- I haven't actually done this before” you confess with a nervous chuckle, hands gripping your tea cup brutally. 

He gives you this half smile and you're unsure of wether he's actually human or a demi-god at this point. “I can tell, but don't worry there's no reason to be” 

You feel slightly comforted by his words and feel yourself let loose a little, “Okay, Bakugou, what do you like to do?” you ask.

“I like going to the gym” he shrugs, “I’m not really Interesting, I’m more curious about you” he says, he places his elbow on the table and rests his chin in the palm of his hand and leans in to you. His skin is so clear- not a blemish in sight and his eyes are practically burning a hole into your soul.

“M-me? I do nothing too important..I like to sew” you respond, taking a sip of your jasmine tea. You didn't necessarily want to tell him about who you were or what you did just yet, money and status only complicate things. For now, you just wanted to be a normal young woman going out on a date. 

“Come on, don't be shy, I know there's more to you than sewing” He says, removing the straw from his coffee and placing it on a neighboring napkin. 

You bite into your bottom lip, “Well, I honestly don't do much besides work, it’s taken up so much time in my life I can't say I do much else” you admit and Bakugou hums thoughtfully. He doesn't respond for a bit, the sounds of the coffee shop fill the silence instead. 

“Okay, I have an idea” 

You cock your head to the side curiously.

“Let’s ditch the formalities and go have some real fun, I think its about time you lived your life” he proposes and your mouth hands open. Was he serious? He looked it. You couldn't help the giddy feeling that bubbled up within you, a feeling you hadn't felt in a long time, excitement. It made you feel young again. 

“What do you say?”

“Alright!” 

+

The two of you spent all day together, visiting various hidden places around the city, you did shopping and even some sightseeing. For the first time in a while you felt alive, like you were actually a person and not just a unfeeling robot who simply lived to work. 

Your last stop was a park. With a large lake in the center Bakugou suggested you guys feed the birds before heading home. With a handful of birdseed you gently sprinkled some into the water and watched the geese gobble it up.

“When I was five, I had a huge fear of geese..” Bakugou admits and you're chuckling.

“No way, really?” you turned to face him and when you do he’s already looking at you, smiling fondly, eyes filled with an emotion that you really couldn't seem to put your finger on.

“What? Do I have something on my face that you're not telling me about?” You pout and he shakes his head before turning his attention back to the birds as he sprinkles more of the food into the lake. 

“No, just realized somethin’” 

The sun’s beginning to set now, the sky is illuminated by hues of orange and pink. You nudge him with your arm, “Realized what?” 

He turns back to face you, there's an adoring look on his face. 

“You look pretty when you're having fun” 

A look of surprise crosses your features before your ears burn in embarrassment at the sudden compliment, the butterflies in your stomach flutter around more and more the longer you two stare at each other. 

“Thanks” You mumble before looking down at your palm full of birdseed. 

+

Dates with Bakugou become more and more frequent after that. The two of you often meeting up more than you meet up with your regular friends. Bakugou doesn't even charge you anymore, even though you've tried to tell him it was fine he still insisted otherwise. The two of you even exchanged numbers and spoke quite often on the phone. Texts like,

‘this song reminded me of you’ and ‘don't work too hard, idiot’ were often exchanged. 

After maybe a month of this happening you realized that the warm feeling you got in your chest whenever Bakugou brushed your hair into place or stopped to tie your shoe for you or even when he texted you good morning wasn't because you appreciated him being a good friend, you liked him. It took a month to finally decipher your feelings for him but once you did..what the heck were you supposed to do now?

Never once in your life had you confessed to someone let alone dated them, what would happen to your friendship with Bakugou if things didn't work out? You didn't want to stop being friends with him, you loved being with him, he was the reason you finally started taking breaks and learned to relax. 

You had a ton of questions to answer for yourself but you couldn't do it right now, you had a date with Bakugou. He told you to dress up and you weren't sure where you were going but you trusted him to take you somewhere you'd enjoy. Around 8pm like promised, he was there to pick you up. His car was fairly nice, you assumed his high pay rates were being used for something but now you know what. He was wearing a black three piece suit, it was crisp and you could clearly tell it was expensive, his hair was slicked back and he had a single diamond stud in his left ear. He looked damn good. It was making you a little nervous about how fancy this place actually was. 

The drive to dinner was unusually quiet. Bakugou typically did most of the conversations with you seeing as you were mostly an awkward sausage but tonight was different, he had a stern look on his face and you felt a little worried. Bakugou noticed your nervous look in the rearview mirror and without skipping a beat placed his hand gently upon your thigh and gave it a small squeeze, this thumb moved back and forth in a soothing manner. All without taking his eyes off the road. 

You felt a shiver run up your spine and you bit your lip from potentially making any noise, you turned your head to face the window to prevent him from seeing the look on your face. 

+

Bakugou was right about the restaurant being fancy. The place was full of people you could recognize, everyone from business moguls to celebrities, it was almost a little intimidating but you knew probably how tough it was for Bakugou to even get a table reserved at this place so you decided to instead choke down any kindlings of anxiety and replace it with a gratefulness for his hard work.

You swirled the champagne around in your glass while Bakugou took a bite out of his steak, the atmosphere between you two was a little awkward and it hadn't been like this since the two of you met it was a little alarming. 

“Is something wrong..?” you ask after gently resting the glass back on the table, he wipes his mouth with his napkin and sighs.

“I’m sorry that- I seem so weird tonight” he apologizes and you shake your head.

“No no don't worry about it, I’m just worried something bad happened” you tell him, you lean forward and place your hand on his. His fingers lace themselves with yours and for a moment it feels like its just the two of you in the restaurant together. 

“Nothing bad, actually something good” he explains and you're giving him a small smile

“Something good?” you question and he leans in even closer to you.

“I mean, ever since I started hanging out with you I feel like my life's changed, I’m not one to be super cheesy but I just- fuck..I like you” his face is turning a light pink and in a moment of courage you close the small distance between the two of you and press your lips against his. He immediately reciprocates the kiss, his hand sneaks up your forearm and settles on your elbow using it to pull you in closer. 

When the kiss finally breaks the two of you are a panting mess, then you hear the waiter clear his throat and Bakugou uses his thumb to wipe the lipstick from the corner of his lips.

“Check, please”

+

Upon entering your home, there wasn't much speaking. Your arms were wrapped around his neck as his hands fumbled with the zipper on the back of your dress. The two of you blindly walked backwards until you tripped backwards onto the couch. Bakugou completely stripped you of your dress and  laid it across the back of the couch, your hands made quick work of his pants unbuttoning and unzipping them, he kicked them off eagerly uncaring of where the fabric was strewn. He cupped your cheek and continued to kiss you as he helped you wiggle out of your underwear. He sucked in a breath at feeling how wet you already were.  He ran a finger up and down your slit before gently nudging a finger inside. 

The sensation was foreign, it felt odd at first but the more he kept twisting and thrusting the finger inside of you the better it began to feel. He slid in another one and began making a scissor motion inside of you. Your hips raised off the cushions of the couch, you moaned into the kiss and eventually he pulled away from it, instead opting to kiss the skin of your neck. Your moans along with the wet sounds of his fingers fingering you open filled the space. It felt good, you could feel the knots in your stomach threaten to untangle the harder his fingers fucked themselves into you. 

His movements slowly came to a halt and he slid his fingers out. Your eyes clouded with tears and your legs were shaking, disappointed that he stopped when you were so close. He pulled his cock from his underwear and began stroking it over you.

“Ready?” He asks as he grinds his cock against your twitching entrance and you're gripping his shoulder before he makes another move. 

“A-actually..please just be gentle its-i’ve never done this before” you confess and his eyes widen for once, taken aback by your sudden profession. He gives you a small nod, “Promise.”

With one smooth stroke he bottoms out within you. Your back is arching off the couch as your mouth hangs open in a silent cry. The feeling is an addicting mix of pain and pleasure that has the tears you were holding in begin to roll down your cheeks, Bakugou gently kisses them away and uses his fingers to wipe away the stray tears. For a while, you're simply holding each other, bakugou whispers words of comfort in your ears while you slowly familiarize yourself with having him inside of you. 

When Bakugou feels your hips begin to move against his, he takes that as his sign to begin moving. His thrusts start shallow, hips just barely touching yours as he doesn't want to hurt you and you quickly become frustrated with his kindness. Your legs wrap around his waist and pull him closer to you, forcing him to bottom out inside you again. You whine his name and he shakes his head. 

“And here I was trying to be considerate” he huffs out, you grip his tie and pull him down and press a gentle kiss against his lips. 

“I didn't ask you to take it easy on me” you remind him and he scoffs

“You asked for this”

You're suddenly flipped onto your stomach and he raises your hips in the air, he pulls himself all the way out of you until the head of his cock is the only thing you can still feel inside of you, he rams his cock back into you and you're gripping the couch for dear life. His hips are ruthless, lewd slapping noises fill the room as the head of his cock kisses your cervix with every thrust. His heavy balls  greet your clit with an unceremonious slap. Your eyes roll into the back of your head, you can't think of anything else except Bakugou. You'd been completely fucked dumb on your first time. 

You feel Bakugou’s fingers lace into your hair and grip the roots before pulling at them and forcing your head back. A jolt of pleasure flows through your body as his cock pushes up against your g-spot, your legs and kicking around behind you.

“No! cum-cumming kats I-” you can hardly finish your own sentence due to how hard your orgasm hits you, your body his shaking as bakugou releases your hair and uses his free hand to grip your waist as he desperately humps you, chasing his own release. Your cunt spasms around him in overstimulation, Katsuki only curses under his breath as you squeeze down on him, your cunt clamps down on his cock as you're brought to your second orgasm and his movements finally begin to slow and an unfamiliar warm fills your tummy. 

He doesn't pull out right away. Instead he gently lays you backwards onto his chest and you snuggle into his chest. 

He whistles, “Nice place”

“Pfft- don't try to make small talk with me after you just finished banging me” you giggle sleepily.

“Fair enough, still, I’m curious about how you can even afford this place” he wonders, hand rubbing up and down your back, only easing you closer to falling asleep.

“Hard work” you reply he takes your hand in his and kisses the back of it. 

“That’s my hard working girl” 

you feel the butterflies swarm around your stomach all over again at his small comment. 

“Does this mean we're dating now?” you ask and he gives you a little chuckle.

“Yes, if you want” 

“Good then you're my boyfriend” your eyes are fluttering closed at this point, you merely nuzzle into his chest and he plants a gentle kiss on your forehead. 

“Goodnight love” 

“Night Kats..”

champagne problems, ch.3

Spencer is in love with you, but you’re engaged to someone else.

Chapter Three: When I’m Over You: Spencer’s desperate attempt to move on from you doesn't quite go as planned. A/N: chapter titled after this song if you want to listen while reading. Word Count: 1.7k Warnings: mild cursing, heartbreak, unrequited / unreciprocated love, very angsty, jealousy, this series is a real slow burn babyyy

series masterlist

A/N: omg thank you for the kind kind feedback to the last chapter! i’d love to reply to you all under each chapter but unfortunately this is not my main account.. but i am so glad you like the series so far, it genuinely it means a lot to me!! 

-

A large window exposed the handsome brunette gentleman not only the restaurant goers, but also the world outside. Any average passerby could detect that he was nervous. Leg shaking underneath the table. Fingers tapping the surface. Quick glances between the watch on his wrist, and the entrance of the restaurant. 

Table for two yet he currently sat alone, most likely waiting for someone. A date. 

Yes, Spencer decided it was time to put himself out there once again. To really try and get over you. Unfortunately, he couldn’t ask his friends for advise on how to go about moving on because they would instantly figure out it had something to do with you. So instead he was forced to turn to a source he usually tried to stray from - the internet.

After hours of browsing Spencer decided majority of the tips were, for lack of a better word, shitty and didn't really apply to his situation. Don't torture yourself. Purge your pictures. No contact rule. Allow some fantasising. Visualise your future. 

He was about to give up when one word caught his eye. Rebound. Although the concept seemed cruel at first, it was quite frankly the only viable option. Plus from conversations he overheard at work between his colleagues there was nothing wrong with a little causal dating.

Fast forward a couple of days and here he was, patiently waiting for his date to arrive. 

Spencer was feeling anxious. He hadn't been out to dinner with a stranger like this in some time. He also couldn't help but wonder whether this would actually work.  

Back when you and Ethan first got together, the brunette doctor did go out a few times. Dinners, drinks, coffee meet-ups, museum outings etc., nothing worked as effectively as he had hoped it would. Honestly, it didn't work at all.

Although, to be fair, Spencer didn't try as hard as he could have. He deliberately picked people he knew he wouldn't hit it off with. Self-sabotage. Majority of the dates he went on were cut short by him, and the ones that made it to the end... Well, there was rarely a second and never a third.

The brunette agent looked in the direction of the door once again. For a brief moment he considered walking out, texting his date to cancel - ‘Something came up. Can we reschedule?’. No harm, no foul. 

He should have done that. He should have, but he didn't. Instead the person he was supposed to meet did. And as his phone buzzed on the table, an apology message illuminating the screen, Spencer’s eyes found themselves focusing instead on the last person he wanted to see right now. 

You.

The air caught in his throat. His instincts told him to duck his head down yet he found himself unable to move. Eyes fixated on you. Wondering why you were here. Wondering whether you were alone. Wondering whether perhaps he should try and get your attention. 

You noticed him just as you were about to leave. A kindhearted smile spread on your face the second your gaze landed on him, and Spencer waved awkwardly from his seat. Without hesitation, you made your way toward him. 

“Fancy seeing you here doctor.” You said warmly. 

Spencer cleared his throat. “You too.” He responded, nervously smiling back at you. “What are you doing here Y/N?”

You directed his focus to a rather large paper gift bag you were holding. “Just collecting some things that were left behind after our engagement party.” 

The brunette agent facepalmed himself mentally. Of course. How could he be so stupid to overlook that this was the same restaurant as your party. 

“How about you? Are you waiting on someone?” You asked, glancing briefly at the empty seat across from him. Spencer nodded slowly. “I was yes, but they just cancelled.” “Oh, I’m sorry.” An apologetic look graced your features but the brunette doctor shook his head. “Don’t be.”

You glanced at the seat once again before lifting your hand over your shoulder and pointing back to the exit. “Well, I should go. I have a bottle of wine at home with my name on it but I will see you bright and early on Monday doctor.” 

Shooting him one last warm smile, you turned around and were about to walk away when he grabbed your attention one more time. 

“Would you like to join me?” Spencer asked causing you to spin back on your heel to look at him again. “I’ve been sitting here for the last twenty minutes, holding up the table, so I kind of feel bad leaving without ordering anything.” He explained. 

“Only if you promise we split the bill evenly in half.” You grinned as Spencer chuckled. “Fine, I promise.” He responded. Satisfied with his answer, you placed the paper bag next to table before taking off your jacket. The brunette doctor sprung to his feet and took the garment from you. He walked up to the nearest coat hanger as you made yourself comfortable in the empty seat.

“Where is Ethan tonight?” Spencer asked sitting back down. He signalled the waiter to bring over the menus. “I don't want to be keeping you if he’s waiting at home.” He said, even though it was a lie. 

“Ethan is working.” You replied, a sad tone to your voice that Spencer detected instantly. “Which is why I’m glad you asked me to stay because otherwise my dinner would consist of frozen pizza.” You added. “Don’t forget the bottle of wine that has your name on it.” Spencer jokingly reminded and you couldn't help but let out a soft giggle.

The waiter appeared shortly after. They handed you each a menu and asked whether you would like something to drink in the meantime. Since you had to drive home later, you only asked for water. Not wanting to drink alone, mainly in fear he would blab the reason he was really here in the first place, Spencer did the same. 

Soon enough the two of you were lost in a naturally flowing conversation. Each of you took turns filling every breath with more interesting topics. It wasn’t strange since Spencer and you never particularly had any difficulties in that area. 

You placed your orders briskly, eager to return to whatever it was that you were talking about. Even when the food arrived, if one of you paused to take a bite the other would jump in and start rambling off. It was nice to say the least. 

“Can I ask you something Spencer?” You enquired while finishing your meal and placing the cutlery on top of your empty plate. “Anything.” Spencer replied before taking a sip of his water.

“Do you think I'm making a mistake?”

Spencer wanted to lie and say that you weren't but no matter what way he looked at it, as an ex or as a friend, it just didn't seem fair. Therefore the silence that enveloped around you was answer enough. Slowly, you nodded your head in understanding.

You looked out the large window next to you and let out a quiet sigh. It didn't come as a surprise that Spencer felt this way. It hurt just a little however, mainly because you couldn't bring yourself to admit that sometimes you felt the same way. That there were nights you lay awake thinking that you should have said no. 

You loved Ethan, and he loved you. He made you laugh, he cared for you. If one day you’d have kids you knew that he would make a great father and that your children would get everything they could ever dream of; they wouldn't even have to ask. All of that should be enough to want to spend the rest of your life with him. But there were days, moments, where you couldn't help but feel like something important was missing. 

“Y/N...” Spencer’s voice brought you back to reality. You looked back at him. Meeting his inviting gaze, you pursed your lips into a gentle smile. 

The brunette doctor leaned forward. “Do you remember that case we worked in Missoula a few years back?” He asked, changing the subject. 

Before he got a chance to elaborate you cut in politely, knowing exactly which case he was talking about. “Of course I remember doctor. It was my first case with the team.” You said, fondly remembering the memory.

“Hotch asked you to play Prince Charming to the unsub, which looking back at it now makes a lot of sense to me. You do have a lot of Prince Charming qualities.” Spencer smirked softly at your comment. “I have Prince Charming qualities?” He raised a curious brow.

“Are you kidding me? Charisma, smarts, kind heart. The perfect hair, warm smile, and just overall good looks.” You chimed. The small smile on your face grew a little bigger. “You tick all the boxes my friend. Disney could use you as a blueprint.”

Spencer laughed. “Good to know.” 

The two of you sat there for a second just smiling at one another. 

“Why do you ask though?” You asked reaching for your water; breaking the comfortable silence.

Spencer licked his lips before taking in a quick breath. “You said something to me on the plane back home that I think applies now; ‘Meant to be isn't real. It’s a concept. You can’t know if something is meant to be unless you live through it, therefore you can’t know if something is a mistake unless you give it a go. Fairy tales and happy endings are made only by people that live them.’.” 

Your eyes began to gloss over with tears. Trying to fight back the floods, you chewed down on your bottom lip and swallowed your breath. You couldn't believe he remembered. Yes, he has an eidetic memory but you couldn't believe he remembered.

“You will get your happy ending Y/N.” Spencer stated confidently. “I know you will.” 

“Thank you.” You whispered loud enough for him to hear. 

Slowly, you wiped your cheeks for any tears that escaped your eyes and smiled kindly. “How is it that you always know exactly what to say doctor?”

“Years of practice as a profiler.” He answered. “Plus having an eidetic memory helps.” He joked, shrugging his shoulders.

You giggled, your eyes once again locking with his. This time however there was a sort of shyness surrounding it. When your heart skipped a beat, when the palms of your hands began to sweat, when you couldn't bring yourself to look away, well, that should have been an indication that you were in trouble.

And while you played off the warning signs as nothing more than a friendship bond, Spencer realised that any efforts to ‘find a rebound’ would be wasteful. 

There was no-one on this planet that would come remotely close to you. 

Someday, someday Some way, some way When I'm over you

-

A/N: hello friends! i hope you liked the third chapter!! i’d love to hear your feedback and what you think will happen next! if you would like to be added to a taglist, please let me know. thank you for your continuous support. with love, mal. x

story taglist: @girloncorneliastreet, @haylaansmi, @rexorangecouny, @l0ve-0f-my-life, @obsssedwithjustaboutanything, @aperrywilliams, @sassy-hades, @rainsong01​, @reverdevivre​, @dracomikaelson, @softieekayy​, @lunaofcrows

spencer reid taglist: @no-honey-no​, @calm-and-doctor​

main masterlist | series masterlist

Little Promises {S&S} | Chuuya

Part of the Salt & Sugar Series | N.SFW | 5K words [9:30] Chuu <3: I’m going to be a little late baby. Order that bottle of wine for us? Rarely did a date start off without one of those texts from Chuuya. He made reservations in the ‘earlier’ (according to mafia time) hours of the night to avoid a situation like this. In what he called the ‘perfect sweet spot’ between him getting off normal work hours and before having to deal with anything that would come up later in the evening as most of the real mafia business did. Lately, more attacks have been occurring directly against the Port Mafia rather than an assault against Yokohama. Nothing that the Black Lizard couldn't handle but Chuuya wasn’t one to sit out of a good fight. He’d gone with Hirotsu to go handle..something, someone most likely, but assured you he’d be finished in time for dinner.

Five or ten minutes wasn’t a big deal. Annoying, yes. But you knew what you signed up for. Being with Chuuya made the irritation worthwhile. Just his smile was enough to erode any negative feelings weighing on you from the day. Sighing quietly you order a bottle of his favorite wine and watch the stars twinkle through the glass. The restaurant itself was gorgeous. Brand new on the eightieth floor with a deck spread out around the entire outside. Chuuya was able to get a table in a heartbeat. The best one in the restaurant. Secluded right next to an expansive window showcasing Yokohama’s glittering amber skyline. Your reflection stares back at you in the window, restless fingers tapping on the newly filled glass of wine. Waiting. [9:45] Chuu <3: On my way back to the office, Boss needs something. Wait for me at the bar? We can sit outside instead. For a man who couldn’t hold that much liquor the wine Chuuya liked was strong. Your head was already buzzing even with the bits of spicy edamame you’d popped in your mouth as a distraction. Your posture deflates further when you read the text flashing on your screen. Deep scarlet liquid sloshes in the glass before passing through your lips to etch a burning pathway down your throat. The dress Chuuya had bought you fit perfectly against your curves. Silk. Red--his color.  A sign you were his. The diamond choker he bought for your birthday suddenly feels too tight around your neck. You hated eating alone. [10:15] Chuu <3: Shit, I’m sorry baby Boss needs me to go take care of something. I’m really sorry, I’ll try to make it quick. Half the bottle churns with a sickly heat in the base of your belly. His chair was still empty. You whip your phone from it’s idled place on the table and tap out a response. [10:17] Chuuya? It’s been over an hour. Where are you? [10:45] You’re not coming are you? [10:50] I charged a bottle of wine to your card. I’m going home. Your shoes land somewhere in your apartment with a loud thump. Keys are next missing the wooden end table meant for them and your purse. Fuck, you were slightly more drunk than you realized. Overpowering vehemention towards the man supposed to be treating you to a nice dinner was the only reason you hadn’t stumbled out of the cab. If you had any type of superhuman strength your heels would have stomped four inch holes into the pavement. Your hand clumsily fumbles for the light switch as you make your way into your apartment muttering curses on Chuuya’s name the entire walk from your door to the kitchen. Compared to Chuuya’s two story penthouse your place was small but cozy. More decorated and homey-- Chuuya liked that about it, he said. Most of his walls were barren except a few pieces of expensive art he purchased on a whim. Chuuya preferred sleeping here over going home when he was out working late and you were already beneath the covers. Coming home to his lover was a treat sweeter than wine according to him. Your shoulders slump. It had been a few weeks since Chuuya had taken you on an actual date. Executives didn’t exactly have frequent pockets of unoccupied time. Leisure was more of a luxury to Chuuya than the most expensive wine in his collection. But, at least in the past few months, he’d been trying to spend more time with you the way a normal couple would. However his promises were falling shorter than you anticipated and at a much higher frequency than expected. There was nothing normal about your situation.. but god damn having a nice dinner with your boyfriend maybe once a month didn’t sound unreasonable. You drag your hand down your face and trudge to the fridge flinging the door open unceremoniously. There wasn’t much in here other than the few healthy snacks Chuuya left.  Your diet mainly consisted of take out or to-go meals from the convenient store down the street. Chuuya hated it and usually preferred places that offered healthy meals, but the man rarely got home before ten at night and was exhausted the moment he crossed the threshold. Hence the dinner date. Your frown deepens. At some point you’d grabbed a water bottle but you weren’t even in the mood to open it. The fridge shuts with a harsh echoing click as you spin on your heel and head towards your bedroom. Between steps your bra ends up on the standing lamp and the matching panties get lost in the shadows. It took an hour to pick out that lingerie. Chuuya tore everything in his haste unless it was something he wanted to see you in more than once--he would have loved that little set. “Fucking asshole.” You snap to the empty bedroom, falling face first into the mess of pillows and blankets. It smelled like him. Unintentionally you inhale deeply cherishing the familiar scent of his shampoo and cologne mingling together. His lingering warmth contrasted the cold emptiness of the bedroom for a few moments bringing a comforting elation, and then the realization that you were in fact without him knocked you right back down. Chuuya was a workaholic. You knew that from the beginning. Working parallel with him exposed his dedication within the first week. A tiny bit of you (that was beginning to grow larger) had begun to truly resent Chuuya’s workaholic tendencies. The Port Mafia was important to him, you got that, but..weren’t you important too? You flip on your side to stop your head from spinning in rapid circles. The wine wasn’t sitting well on an empty stomach but at this point you were too tired and upset to get up and eat. Nothing sounded good anyway. Chuuya’s shirt you often slept in felt like a weight in your hand. “Fucker.” You hiss, throwing it onto the small chair in the corner of your bedroom. Fine. If you weren’t important enough to have fucking dinner with then you wouldn’t bother texting him again. This was pathetic. You try to focus on the wobbling lights of the city through your bedroom window. Gold and neon flecks blur like water droplets against a deep navy sky. A heavy melancholic silence fills up the apartment. Between the wine sloshing in your stomach and the pounding of your head sleep would most likely evade you tonight. Welled up vexation had suddenly melted to pure sorrow, choking you quietly as you lay curled up in the blankets. Finally, little sobs part your lips bringing a few tears in tow. This was stupid, it was just dinner. Chuuya didn’t do it on purpose but why the hell did it feel like a knife twisting in your heart? “Fucker..” you repeat, squeezing your eyes shut forcefully. You’d deal with it tomorrow. ++++++++++++++++++++++++++ At some point you’d passed out holding Chuuya’s pillow tightly in your arms. Unfortunately the thing to awaken you wasn’t the gentle kiss of sunrise or your lover’s tight embrace. The wine you’d downed had resurrected with a vengeance that had you sprinting to the bathroom. From the darkness still drenching the apartment morning hadn’t come quite yet. Your stomach heaves all the contents in a burning violent wrench that barely makes it into the toilet bowl. There’d be bruises from how hard your knees hit the tile but at least it caught all the mess. “Sh-shit..ow.” You mutter, spitting the rest out before wiping your mouth with a piece of toilet paper. “______?” Chuuya’s voice resonates from the living room. “_____? I’m really sorry. Baby...I’ll make it up to you..” Chuuya speaks softly, almost deflated. His voice hits you like a ton of bricks. A miniscule burst of energy helps you stand with aid from the sink at your side. The sudden rush of blood sends your head sloshing in a circle again nearly pushing you back down to the floor. With a deep inhale you force yourself to stand straight again and splash water on your face before looking up at the mirror. Make-up, it had smeared all down your cheeks and beneath your eyes from crying and rubbing against the pillow. You groan at your appearance and grab the mouth wash. Chuuya’s ears perk. “Baby? You okay?” His footsteps are light and quick until they reach the bathroom. “Baby! Are you alright!?” He’s at your side in an instant wrapping his arms around your waist and spinning you to face him. “Don’t---” You press your hand to your forehead, “dizzy. Wine.” You mumble leaning back against the sink. Chuuya’s expression changes from worry to soft concern melded with guilt. His hands steady you with a gentle grip, coaxing you forward with unnecessary slowness (though it was appreciated by your stomach and head). All the crying had caused your eyes to swell enough that the details of the apartment, especially in the dark, were hard to see. If Chuuya hadn’t been guiding you back to your bedroom there’s a good chance you would have ended up face first on the floor. “____…” the guilt in his voice just made you feel worse. “I’m sorry.” He repeats, gentle ungloved fingers reaching for a tissue from the box on your night stand. Your vision was, at the least, bleary but the striking sunset tendrils framing his face stood out beautifully against the low light coming from the bathroom. “Hold on..” Chuuya murmurs, rising to his feet in quick steps. You sit in silence sniffling a bit and trying to keep the bile in your throat. Your eyes flutter shut to keep the light out. The blankets beneath you had bunched uncomfortably at the edge of the bed leaving you lopsided from sitting in the center of the mattress. Any attempt to shift could send whatever was left in your stomach flying, so you wait. Something creaks. Floorboards, then the mattress. Chuuya’s touches are two steps above gentle. Whatever it is, it’s cold. Something soft and cold in his hand over your eyes. It takes a few seconds for it to register. He’s cleaning the smudged make up off your face. Acts like this were the reason it was so hard to stay mad at the man. His gestures were sweet and honest. Showing you love in the only ways he really knew how to. Physical touch, gifts and sweet words after being gone for too long or bailing last minute. Your throat clenches as your fingers grip the loose sheets by your thighs. “Baby, I’m sorry.” Chuuya says it again. Your teeth cinch the inside of your lip. “You promised.” Chuuya’s shoulders sag but his hands keep working the smudged mascara off your face. His other hand nimbly massages the back of your neck finding the pressure point to relieve your headache. “I know.” What else could he say? “I don’t have a different excuse. Boss needed me. It was important. I wouldn’t have done it otherwise. We can have dinner tomorrow or another night. I swear.” Chuuya tries to coax your eyes open with a soft rub of his thumb on your cheekbone. He knew all your spots and that’s what made it hurt the most. “But you promised.” You repeat, almost childlike in the inflection of your voice, but your eyes open. Immediately you’re mesmerized by the expression change on his features. Chuuya, when overcome with too much, tended to drop his head in defeat allowing his bangs to hide him from the shame he felt. Your fingers on his chin keep him from succeeding. “It’s…” you swallow the dry lump in your throat, “I need to be as important too. I’m not asking you to drop whatever Boss has you do when I want attention and I know you’re going to have to leave sometimes when shit comes up unexpectedly... but fuck...you need to give me something.  Anything.” You set your hand timidly on his. “Unless the fucking world is collapsing...I need a promise I know you’re going to keep, Chuuya.” His eyes widen a bit, soft blue glimmering and reflecting bits of your distorted face in their tides. Chuuya stays silent for a moment but moves closer on the bed shifting you carefully until you’re on his lap, legs draped over either side of his thighs. His arms come around your waist (where they belong) to pull your torso flush with his. The hum of his ability tickles your skin as he leans himself back until his head hits the pillow. “Give me a little time to come up with something?” He finally breaks the silence. Hope diminishes and the swelling in your chest grows into a thick knot. “Okay.” You reply against his neck. There wasn’t a chance in hell Chuuya didn’t catch the desolation in your tone, but he says nothing. His fingers begin to detangle your messy hair in feather-soft strokes. Chuuya tended to melt into you without trying. Curl up around you keeping you comfortable enough to fall asleep in any environment. This position draws your face to the crook of his neck magnetically. A place molded to fit your head perfectly. Often, it was the only place that properly hid you from your thoughts and exhaustion when the world became too much at once. You inhale; his skin pebbles. He always smelled like sea salt and vanilla. He swears he puts cologne on but after working so much his natural scent clings to his skin and it’s much more intoxicating. His left hand slithers up and down your back drawing nonsensical patterns in your skin. Down your shoulder to the valley both blades create, following your spine lazily, methodically.  His dexterous fingers spread open to reach the skin that encases your rib cage touching light enough it’s almost a tease. Chuuya’s gestures come from the depths of his emotions that so often tumble beneath the surface. Trained in the art of persuasion and deception he’s better at hiding what he’s thinking than he lets on. It’s all a matter of if he cares enough to do so or not. You tangle your legs together with his, thankful you’d forgone wearing anything to bed. Summer heat tended to creep into your bedroom despite the air conditioning, and the man beside you could melt chocolate with his touch. With Chuuya's skin constantly overheating (Arahabaki in the shadows) it was surprising his layers didn’t bother him. On cold winter mornings it was magnificent against your chilled face. In the summer he’d laze about in only his underwear with the air conditioning blowing, keeping you just cold enough to need the warmth from his skin. (He claims it’s not on purpose but you like to think it is).  Heat had begun to spread the moment he pressed you up against him and held you like you’d disappear if he loosened his grip. Right now the little crook beneath his ear that curved down his neck forming a broad muscular shoulder happened to be the perfect temperature to soothe your headache. Chuuya cuddles you closer when he notices the tension dissipating. His head turns slightly to rest against your forehead, the soft ghost of his breath trails over the shell of your ear each time he exhales.  Whatever alcohol remained in your system had slowly begun to recede with Chuuya’s presence. Falling asleep rather than passing out cold seemed to aid in the depletion of your headache, and truthfully, being with him cured every part of you. Scientifically correct or not--it always worked even when you were pissed at him. Chuuya’s chest softly begins to vibrate as your eyes flutter shut. A gentle tempo that remains tranquil but familiar.. Chuuya’s humming finally settles the ball of nerves tied up in your stomach. The last remaining irritation of the night quietly begins to melt away at the edges leaving your heart frayed and tender. Pure exhaustion was overpowering your will to stay awake and wait for Chuuya’s answer. Against your own command your eyelids droop and soak your environment in black. ++++++++++++++ Fuck that wine. From the moment you peeled your eyes open it felt like someone nestled their way into your skull to continuously pound it with a ball peen hammer. Your legs twist in the sheets as you try to get comfortable again and turn away from the sunlight sneaking through the window. Your arm smacks against the mattress, it felt strikingly cold. “Chuuya?”. The only response you receive is a small rustling from outside the bedroom door. A soft hum. Music? Something. You flop onto your back and force your eyes open. Thankfully the dizziness subsided permanently, unfortunately it’s counterpart (a killer migraine) still throbbed to the point that you were halfway convinced your eyeballs were physically pounding. “Chuu?” You call again, twisting on the bed until your bare feet hit the hardwood.  Chuuya’s shirt fits comfortably over your head. Instinctively you inhale sharply holding the collar close to your nose before it settles and the smell of eggs draws you out of the bedroom. Normally you’d walk out completely naked but you felt beyond shitty. Lazily you tug up a pair of sweatpants and meander out into the kitchen in search of your boyfriend. Chuuya turns over a shoulder and gives you a soft smile. His back muscles were getting bigger, or perhaps the way he was holding the pan made them bulge. Regardless he looked damn good cooking you breakfast in a tight shirt bathed in morning light. “Good morning baby. Hungry?” Your stomach growls loud enough to echo down the street. Chuuya laughs and sets two plates down at your small table. Omurice, toast, and a few strips of bacon he’d picked up from some fancy market in Tokyo the last time he went. “Good. You need the protein after throwing everything up last night.” Chuuya pads over to you arms immediately wrapping around your waist snuggling you close against his bare chest. “I’m sorry baby.” He says for at least the fifth time. Two soft kisses to your forehead, one on your nose and a final on your lips. You slump against him letting your arms remain limp at your sides. “I figured out what I can do for you though. What you deserve.” “Oh?” Your arms find themselves around his waist, fingers spreading out to feel the rigid muscles in his lower back flex beneath your touch. Chuuya nods forehead now resting against yours. Sunlight funnels through the window scattering amber over the floor. Cresting Chuuya’s right side and across to the middle of his throat bathing him in light. The man truly emulated warmth and fuck he was more gorgeous than the sunrise itself. “Breakfast together. Every morning. Some days I’ll cook for you. Some days we’ll go out before work, and some days…” Chuuya begins to trail soft kisses down the side of your throat. Catching your breath suddenly becomes much harder with his mouth tasting your skin, “we’ll have breakfast in bed. I’ll eat you...and then we can eat together.” He chuckles darkly, waiting for the words to unfold in your head. “How can I turn that offer down?” Your fingers glide up the back of his neck carding through his hair. Chuuya sighs into your touch but continues the lazy, deliberately gentle line of kisses over the curve of your shoulder then backwards until he reaches your collarbone. “My place---” you gasp sharply, Chuuya loved to bite that spot on your neck, “or yours?”. Chuuya hums in thought hands now trailing down your curves around to the swell of your ass. “Whoever gets off work last goes to the other’s place. So, probably here a lot.” Chuuya squeezes, low growls emitting from his throat when you jolt into him. “Means you gotta actually buy food for me to cook.” You rise up on your toes moving closer and away from his grip on your ass. You couldn’t give in easy just yet, where was the fun in that? “Mmmm..but what if I like starting off the day with your cock?” You muse, teasingly dragging the sharp edges of your nails down his shoulder blades. Even through his shirt Chuuya’s shoulders were overly sensitive. Another set of animalistic growls erupts from him. He squeezes harder and nips at the center of your throat. “Guess I’ll have to give you what you want then, won’t I?” He smirks crookedly. You yelp when his hands dip between your thighs splitting them open to lift you up and onto the counter. “But first,” he murmurs, thumbs digging circles against your inner thighs, “I get my breakfast.” Chuuya leans into you, hips slotted between your trembling thighs so he can kiss you until you’re dizzy. Your hands wind up back in his hair holding him close. You inhale him greedily, savoring the taste of him in your mouth. Your sweatpants join Chuuya’s shirt on the floor in a puddle of fabric. The heat from his body sweeps you up into the clouds. You weren’t sure if it was the hangover, the speed in which Chuuya had you spread open on the kitchen counter or a combination of them both but your head was already fogged. Chuuya’s breath along your thigh keeps you lucid enough to feel every movement he makes. The tickle of his hair on your leg, the gentle prodding of his thumb spreading open your wet lip and the oh so lewd sweep of his tongue up your pussy. “Fuck!” You gasp, hair tugging roughly at the bundle of red hair between your fingers. Chuuya’s chuckle vibrates up your core. His tongue expertly flattens against your pussy, long strokes beginning at your entrance ensuring to taste every inch of your folds all the way up to your clit. The edge of his tongue flicks over the swelling bud once or twice before descending through your lips again. Chuuya moans into you, muttering praises of your taste between licks and prods of his tongue deep inside you. “Ch-Chuu!” The knot in your stomach was near ready to snap. “Do it baby. Right on my fucking tongue.” Chuuya commands, looking up at you from between your legs momentarily before returning to his work. Chuuya’s two fingers hold your pussy open for his tongue to explore. Dipping in and out, traveling up to tease and suck on your clit until stars burst behind your eyes and you’re moaning incoherently. Chuuya doesn’t waste a drop. “So good..” his praises are saturated with lust, “fuck you taste so good.” Arousal smears across his cheeks and lips as he cleans the mess between your legs. Gentle licks and motions, just enough to begin overstimulation to carry over into what would come next. You curl over him trying not to fall off the counter. Chuuya gets to his feet, hands remaining on your shoulders to give you leverage as he discards his sweatpants revealing his fat hard cock red and dripping pre-cum. You lick your lips and reach for him, pumping it a few times in an off-beat rhythm. “Already fucked out baby?” He taunts playfully, lips still glistening with your cum. You pout at him and jerk him forward by the hair. Chuuya laughs, using the motion to line his cock up with your weeping entrance. “Yeah? You want it that bad?” Your hips jerk forward when the head rubs up against your clit. “Chuuya!” You huff, switching tactics. His eyes widen to saucers moan loud and deep enough it rattles in your chest. Your fingers tweak and tug at his pebbled nipples egging him on to submit. Or piss him off. Regardless, the outcome would be the same. “Do you want it that bad? Just one touch..” you mimic his teasing tone. Chuuya’s eyes narrow, chest still puffed out towards your hands. “I always want you.” He replies, punctuating the last word with a jerk of his hips. Your head lolls back in surprise, the burn of his cock stretching you out to the hilt makes your toes curl. “Ohfuck!” You choke on air; Chuuya is quick to grip your hips and bite down on your throat. His pace is relentless. Needy. Sticky, hot and slick. You keep one arm wrapped around his neck the other slanted back on the counter for balance. Chuuya buries his face in the crook of your neck as he fucks your hard and deep. Your knees end up by his ribs allowing you to cross your ankles behind him. The angle change makes Chuuya moan deep against your skin. Somehow, his speed picks up sending you bouncing up and down on his cock. Every stroke inside you hits that sweet bundle of nerves that keeps you moaning his praises. “Fuck--” he grits his teeth and slides one hand down to hold you up by your ass lifting you off the counter. He grunts again, moving in just a few steps into the center of the kitchen. Chuuya drops to his knees with the aid of his ability and places you on your back, hips following the natural path of gravity to push his cock deeper inside you. “Fuck..there..” he murmurs, shifting his hands to your thighs pressing them back until your knees reach your shoulders. “Just like that baby..fuck you’re so god damn beautiful..” His eyes glisten, gemstone blue clouded in the haze of arousal and pleasure. This position was so lewd and fuck it turned you on knowing Chuuya was watching you like this. Vulnerable and split open by his throbbing cock. Chuuya tilts his chin down mesmerized by the view of his cock pistoning in and out of your wet pussy. Cum and slick squirting against him with every harsh thrust forward. Your back arcs off the floor; the head of his cock relentlessly slams into your g spot until you’re cumming again. “G-goodgirl!” Chuuya sputters out, pounding into you three more times before he’s spilling inside of you gasping your name in a sultry, silky voice only you get to hear. Chuuya rolls his hips a few more times in rhythmless sputters before collapsing (gently) on top of you. Sweat matting his bangs left and right, skin a rosy pink and body taut. You wrap a shaky arm around his back, eyes fluttering closed. “Mm..you doin’ okay?” He asks, pushing himself up with one elbow to look at you. “Yeah…fuck..” you couldn’t even think straight let alone articulate just how good you were feeling now. Chuuya smiles--the rest of the world doesn’t compare to the brightness of it, you think. “You’re forgiven.” You finally say, long exhale following. Chuuya beams and kisses your nose. “I am sorry baby. And I promise we’re going to eat breakfast together every morning.” Chuuya rolls to his side bringing you with him. Your leg ends up thrown over his hip and his arm pulls you flush to his chest. “I love you ______. I love you so fuckin’ much.” Chuuya drops kisses along your cheek as he speaks. “I love you too, Chuu.”

We have known about the vampires in this town for a long time now.

Our whole way of living is sort of built around it, actually. The whole water supply is holy water – the water in our taps, in our pools, in our fire hydrants. I've always thought if I had to kill a vampire I'd want to do it with a fire hydrant. You have to think about these things, you know. They teach you in school: wear a cross, carry a stake, hang garlic over your door. Never invite someone into your home unless you are certain you can trust them. And for God's sake, don't go walking alone after dark without some kind of weapon handy.

Things happen, of course. Things are always happening. People will just quietly disappear – most of the time the bodies are never recovered – and although it can't technically be said for certain just what happened, everyone knows. And then they talk. In hushed voices, in places where the family of the deceased – sorry, the "missing, presumed dead" – can't hear them, they talk. She must have done something wrong, they whisper. If she had just worn a cross like she was supposed to, if she had just stayed inside after dark, this would never have happened. Stupid girl – this was always bound to happen to her.

We all grew up watching those same vampire movies as everyone else. Dracula, Nosferatu, even Twilight. Let me tell you something: vampires don't sparkle. There is no sure way to identify a vampire until it's too late. Until there's no time to reach for that stake that you always keep in your purse, that if you could just get to it, maybe you could save yourself, fuck, where is it, where is your purse – there's no time for that. You're already dead.

Although I grew up knowing about the vampires, constantly hearing warnings and rules and stories, I didn't see one (not knowingly, at least) until I was twenty. At this point, although I knew theoretically that I could be attacked on any given day and it was important to be prepared, subconsciously I had begun to believe that it was never going to happen to me. I'd never so much as glimpsed a vampire in two decades, and everyone just droned about them constantly. Surely, if it were going to happen, it would have happened by now.

So, as I cooked a romantic dinner for myself and my boyfriend of three months, the threat of vampires seemed as distant as the possibility of an anvil falling out of the sky and crushing me to death. I was gearing myself up to tell him I loved him for the first time; I was not a romantic person by nature, but things had been going really well so far, so I wanted to make an effort. That effort also included making coq au vin and, in the interest of staying as kissable as possible, omitting the two cloves of garlic which the recipe called for.

That particular evening was one of the darkest and rainiest I had seen in some time, so when my boyfriend showed up twenty minutes late and apologizing profusely, I just told him not to worry, and ushered him in out of the rain.

"Why don't you take a shower while I get dinner on the table?" I suggested. "I can give you a pair of sweatpants and a t shirt." I wasn't really sure my clothes would fit him, but he was soaking and shivering, and he took me up on my offer right away. At worst, I got to see him in a too-tight shirt, right?

I gave him the biggest t shirt and sweatpants I owned, and I set about pouring wine and dishing up soup. In the interest of both warmth and atmosphere, I dug out just about every candle I owned – which, to be fair, was only a handful – and set them on the coffee table, where we could admire them without the smell mingling with the scent of the food. By the time everything was ready, he was back, wearing my sweats and shirt. They fit him better than I would have guessed, but he was still clearly uncomfortable, frowning and tugging at the shirt hem to stop it from riding up. It wasn't exactly the start I had pictured to our perfect romantic night, but hey, if something had to go wrong, this didn't seem so bad, right?

"You look cute." I said, grabbing his hand away from his hem and squeezing it in both of mine. "Come on, Griff, let's just have some dinner."

Griff gave me what might have been a forced smile, and sat down. "Thanks for making this."

"Happy to." I smiled back and took my seat across from him. I decided to wait until his mood improved a little before I sprang the whole "I love you" thing on him. I didn't want to freak him out.

We ate mostly in silence, and I regretted not thinking of a romantic soundtrack to put on. By the time we finished, I was desperate for some kind of noise – or just something to take the sullen expression off of Griff's face – so I suggested we watch a movie. We settled on The Hangover; again, not exactly how I had hoped the evening would go, but whatever made Griff happy.

It didn't take long for his attention to wander away from watching the movie and towards kissing me, which was all fine as far as I was concerned. Good thing I'd left out that garlic, right? I closed my eyes and leaned into the kiss, trying to parse whether this was the right moment to tell him. Before I could decide, however, he suddenly sprang away from me with a gasp.

When I opened my eyes, it was obvious what had happened, but my brain refused to register it. That burn mark in the shape of a cross had been there before I leaned towards him, hadn't it? It wasn't from my cross, the one I always wore around my neck, was it? It wasn't from any cross, of course not, my eyes were playing tricks on me.

I wish I hadn't wasted precious seconds processing all of this. Maybe I could have done something, said something, at least moved, before he was tearing the cross off of my neck with another pained yelp and leaning back over me. The jig was up now, and it was clear that unlike me, he wasn't wasting any time.

I wish also that I could say I survived through some great, heroic moment, but that's not what happened. I just sat there, shellshocked, until his mouth reached my neck and he began to bite – and then my body seemed to act of its own volition, thrusting him away from me with both hands. This caught him off guard, and he fell backwards, landing directly on top of every candle I owned. His shirt – my shirt – caught fire, and he dashed out the door into the rain.

At the very least, I can say that I made the conscious decision to lock the door, and then barricade it with a table. That's about all I managed to do before collapsing on the couch, back into the same spot I had been just minutes beforehand, and burst into tears. I didn't even bother trying to stop the blood leeching from my neck; I just cried until at some point I eventually fell asleep.

They taught us so much about preventing vampire attacks that it never even occurred to me before that moment that I had never been taught what to do if one did take place. Maybe it was assumed that if you got attacked by a vampire, you weren't surviving. Still, that seemed to nullify the point of carrying stakes and wearing crosses and blessing the water and whatnot. Maybe it was because everyone in this town seemed to believe that if you got attacked by a vampire, it was your fault – if you were smart, you wouldn't be out after dark in the first place, now would you?

Except I wasn't out after dark. I was wearing a cross. I survived. And now I had to continue surviving with no idea how to proceed. I couldn't ask anyone, either – even if they didn't lecture me to my face, surely they would whisper about me behind my back. Stupid girl, didn't even realize her own boyfriend was a vampire. What was she doing, inviting him into the house, when he clearly wasn't trustworthy? She should have known better.

For days, I stayed in my apartment, afraid to go out. I showered, with holy water, of course – except, weeks later, it dawned on me that Griff should have been hurt by the holy water. So, what was the truth? Was holy water not really an effective weapon against vampires, as we had always been taught, or was the water we had always been told was holy not really holy at all?

I did the best to cover the wound on my neck with makeup and collared shirts. There was no one there to see it, but I couldn't bear to look at it, and when it wasn't covered, I couldn't stop. I'd just stand in front of the mirror and stare at my neck, thinking of everything I should have done differently. Still, I was alive, wasn't I?

Wasn't I?

The first time I went out, it was to gather supplies: more stakes, more crosses, more garlic. Matches, bottles, spirits, and rags. Knives, too, although I didn't know if they would help or not. I wasn't really sure what I knew anymore.

The second time I went out, it was to hunt. No more being shocked, no more being attacked in my own home. I was taking the fight to them. After all, what was the point in trying to stay somewhere safe if nowhere was safe? What was the point in following the rules if they weren't going to protect me?

The vampires in this town have known about us for a long time now. What started as a solo effort has now grown into a small movement, which I'm proud to say consists of several people whom I saved from vampires. People who, like me, had no instructions on how to proceed – except for the ones that I gave them.

Of course, they've had time to prepare now. They protect their hearts more carefully, they don't reveal that they're vampires until they're alone with a victim, they even carry what I assume is non-holy water to put out any fires we might start. Often, our efforts feel futile; sometimes I'll go hunting several times and not come across anyone I can say for certain is a vampire. It's hard to know for sure if I'm making the right call. Sometimes it feels as if I am making no difference at all, as if I am still sitting on the couch doing nothing.

Still, things happen.

This is the continuation for my Elite AU Love & Deceit! The fanfiction can be read on ao3 here:

https://archiveofourown.org/works/32302612

And on Wattpad here:

Chapter Three:

Waiters and waitresses all dressed in white stand on every corner of the table. There are young men who play violins in the corners of the room, and women who tug on the strings of harps. I see my suite mates are already seated and I grab a random seat to sit in. From across from me I see Polo looking at me with hungry eyes, teasing me with a smirk. I ignore him and observe the rest of the dining hall.

Traditional European foods of all kind are already set up neatly on the white blanketed table on silver plates that are partnered with a drinking glasses and silverware. A heavenly chandelier hangs from above everything and Crisanto sits at the head of the long table. He is accompanied by other people dressed just as fancy as him. A young man with rosy cheeks and a friendly smirk, sitting next to another guy with beautiful caramel-colored skin and dark eyes. There is also a girl who sits beside them and they all bicker in a soft chatter, laughing and giggling in unison. There are a few other important looking people as well. I assume they are all Cristano's very opulent friends.

"Welcome, everyone. This meal is not only for my departure, but also in dedication to you, the new addition to the White Mansion." Crisanto smiles. Even though I shouldn't take it in other way, "new addition to the White Mansion" sounded pretty odd to say, but I shouldn't think too hard about it.

"Ah, right on time as always." Crisanto turns his heads to his sons that enter the room. Leading his brothers, dressed handsomely, is no other than the bruiting, Guzmán.

He is dressed in a black velvet suit, a suit that darkens his eyes in a strange deep incandescent green filled with obscured devilry. His hands are in his pocket, and he looks at just about everything in the room, except for in my direction. For a split second our eyes lock, and he quickly turns away clenching his jaw. I can tell he is forcing himself to avoid me. But why? I wonder what his problem is.

His brothers are dressed in a more casual formal  attire. They all sit in seats near the girls I'm living with, and some next to each other and other guests who I am not yet familiar with. By the time all the boys sat down, the only spot left for Guzmán to sit is next to me...

His powerful scent infiltrates my nostrils and I can't help but to think how good he smells. I try my best to ignore him, tapping my fingers on my thighs. I can feel him eyes looking over me, and from the corner of my eye I see his jaw do his signature clenching thing again, and he quickly turns his head away from me, taking a sudden interest in the silverware in front of him.

"Now, shall we say grace before we begin?" Crisanto smiles but it quickly fades when he looks at me, giving me an apologetic look.

"I'm sorry Nadia, forgive me. Would it be alright to say prayer? I don't want to oppress any different religious beliefs." he asks me and I shrug in my seat, trying to avoid all the eyes of the room staring at me.

"I really don't mind it." I smile nervously.

"Splendid. Come now, let us all hold hands." he tells us. I'm not so keen to the idea of holding hands with Guzmán, but I must do so. This day just keeps getting better and better...

We all stand from our seats, grabbing onto one another's hands. I am hesitant to hold Guzmán's hand, inching my hand closer to his.

"I don't bite," whispers Guzmán. "Hard." He surprises me by practically snatching my hand into his. His hands are bigger than mind, fingers slender and ringed with silver, and easily wraps around my cold hands. Unlike his, which are somewhat soft and very warm. For some odd and stupid reason, I can feel my face heating up and I literally shake my head to fight against the sensation. I hate this.

"Our gracious Heavenly Father," Crisanto begins the prayer and we all close our eyes as he continues. For some odd reason I am tempted to open my eyes, and stupidly, I do, only to see Guzmán staring at me. I close my eyes quickly and I hear a soft chuckle escape from his mouth. I didn't think he was even capable of even chuckling, let alone laughing. I can feel the heat rising, my palms getting hotter and hotter.

Please end this prayer already! Please! I mentally scream. I repeat it over and over in my head, just so I can escape Guzmán's grip. Within moments, Crisanto ends the prayer with an amen, and we all sit back down in our seats. Thank goodness.

I snatch my hand back as quick as I could, looking away and pretending Guzmán doesn't exist. Yet, this cunning young man has the audacity to lean closer and whisper into my ear.

"Don't worry, I enjoyed holding your hand too." he grins against my ear. I can feel him smiling at me. I know for sure it's with all the wrong intentions.

"Don't flatter yourself." I whisper back to him and his eyes simmer cold, but his perky lips still hold that smirk. Guzmán smirks and focuses his attention to his plate.

"I can tell you're not going to be an easy catch." he says and my mouth hangs open. I know he's trying to get under my skin. I can tell by his cheeky smile.

I scoff.

"You have another thing coming if you're thinking I'm a catch." I tell him and focus on my plate, waiting for the waiter to reveal our meals. Everyone else is socializing with one another like normal people, and here I am with the dreamy yet diabolical, Guzmán, who I barley even know—is finding it in his twisted pleasure to annoy me.

"Don't worry, little rabbit, I enjoy a good game." I look at him and I lose it.

"Game?!" I shout and everyone goes quiet. I clear my throat thinking of something of a way to quickly dig myself out of this awkwardness.

"I didn't know you fancied sports so personally, Guzmán." I shoot Guzmán a wicked look, hoping he catches on. He simply grins. Damn his smile is gorgeous, but already I despise him.

"Oh yes, basketball is a sport I love. As well as rugby, and such and such." Guzmán replies and everyone continues to their casual banter. I notice his brothers whispering to one another, chuckling.

"Nadia, I'd like you to meet my young friends who are successful in the fashion industry," Crisanto smiles at me, pointing to the gentleman with the dark blue suit and wavy brown hair. I can tell he is a model because how charming he is.

"This is Nathaniel Gray, he models for Calvin Klein. The fellow next to him is his friend, Austin, accompanied by their companion, Eleanor Steel, who is a photographer.

I wave to them and they give me friendly smiles, but I can tell they weren't really interested in the acquainting business. The waiters reveal our meals which consist of steak, lobster, salads, vegetables, fruits, and my personal favorite beverage besides lemon water and wine.

The night had went on and on about business talk and getting familiar with one another. The boys kept cackling to jokes most of the time, and I would occasionally talk to my suite mates. Carla was busy flirting with a guy named, Joseph, who was more than alluring on his part

Throughout dinner, Guzmán stayed quiet and kept to himself. He didn't make any snarky comments, or made an attempt to bother me. Every time I talked, he just...watched me. Maybe he didn't think I noticed him, or felt him looking at me. Or maybe, he didn't care if I did...

"So, Nadia, please do tell us a little bit more about yourself." Nathaniel asks, taking a sip of wine from his glass.

"There's not really much to know about me." I nervously reply. Being the center of attention was never my favorite thing to be.

"Please, enlighten us." Nathaniel insists and I sigh to myself. Guzmán is fully focused on me and I can feel the anxiety brewing within me.

"Well, I'm from Madrid, Spain, born and raised. I love singing and photography, as well as writing. Um, I'm in my last year of college at NYU, majoring in English and hope to one day publish a story of my own. I'm Twenty-one years old, and I have a loving family who I am thankful everyday for." I tell everyone and notice Guzmán has turned his attention somewhere else, burying a smile under his hand pressed against his lips.

"Well that was a perfect little bio if I ever heard one. Nice to meet you, Nadia." Nathaniel says and I smile and mentally pat myself on the back. I take a quick glance at Guzmán who drinks his wine. As soon as I look away to down the rest of my glass of wine, I think I hear him say, "This should be fun."

"What did you say?" I look at him. I meant for it to come out more with authority but I sounded like a timid school girl.

"Nothing, Princess," Guzmán grins while standing. "Enjoy your meal." he winks and walks away from the table, leaving the dining hall. Crisanto watches him leave and I pour me more wine and continue eating.

I really wonder what goes on in Guzmán's head. I sigh. So far I have survived the ongoing night. Let's see how it ends.

...

AFTER DINNER ENDED everyone said their fair-wells and goodbyes to one another. Carla kept flirting with Joseph, and the other girls were a trying to keep their drunken behavior managed until they got back to the suite. Crisanto had got into his white limousine hosted by William, and had left for the airport. The house is now officially in the supervision to me and his sons. Honestly, I don't know which terrifies me the most.

I stroll around outside on the balcony after getting changed into more comfortable clothes to sleep in, which is just a typical silky white gown. My hair in a messy bun and I am so glad to have all that make-up off my face. I put on my reading glasses and make me some tea to soothe me. I figure I'll take this peaceful moment to enjoy the night air. I tip toe outside onto the balcony while the the girls are asleep l in their rooms.

I take in the fresh late spring air. The breeze cool, just right, soothing and running across me. The balcony is big and acts as a perfect view for most of the enormous backyard of the white mansion. I see the tennis court, the basketball court, the swimming pool, the green house, and the walking trail that stretches into a land of tall trees amongst the meadow between the mansion and the woods.

I lean on the ledge of the stone balcony guarded by more white lions. Below, I notice someone standing near the swimming pool. He just stands there, looking at the large pool illuminated with the lights beneath it. I set my cup on the ledge and watch him. It's of course, Guzmán, to no surprise. I just watch him. What is he doing? Why do I care?

I continue to watch as he mindlessly watches the pool with his hands in his pocket. Then, to my surprise, Guzmán begins to slowly undress, taking off his clothes peace by peace. His skin is open to the night air. He pulls down his pants, kicking of his shoes and sliding off his socks. Finally, the biggest shock, is that he slides off his black name brand boxers and tosses them to the side. Oh my god, he's naked! Skinny dipping at that!

I can't help but to notice how his physique is literally godly, Greek defined for sure. The shape of his rear even, it's unearthly. I blush at the sight and I want to look away. In fact, I even turn my head...but instinctively, I find myself looking back.

He rakes his fingers through his hair and I am mesmerized by the intensity of his back muscles. He must work out. A lot. Catching me off guard, Guzmán turns his head back towards where I stand and I quickly duck to the floor of the balcony. I peak at him, seeing him turn back around and I cautiously stand back up. I watch as he dives into the now disturbed water, swimming naked and proud without a care in the world.

taglist: @inmyarmsyoufell @elitestan @glamorizing @jasminejc4525

SIX CANDLES, ONE WISH (2)

part one

Harry misses his daughter’s sixth birthday, and some things can’t be undone.

— Recap of Last Part —

“You didn’t even call, daddy.”

“You have to understand that some things just are the way they are and in order to provide for our family—“

“Nevermind,” she muttered under her breath. “Forget I even asked you.”

— Recap Fin.—

Y/N knew what it meant to have a father who was willfully absent when it came to their child’s life.

Her father had been a man of great physical prowess coupled by a both thrilling and frightening lack of restraint resembling that of a wild animal in a kingdom that had never learned the rules. He was once a boxer renowned in a small town which multiplied in tourists whenever the ring flooded with the divinity of his strength. Somehow, somewhere, he had met her mother. After she had died while giving birth to Y/N, she had always felt the cruel truth of her father’s hate simmering somewhere in the back of her mind.

Harry wasn’t like that. She’d married him knowing he wasn’t like that, partly because he would never intentionally miss recitals, avert his eyes from his daughter- eyes that held anything but the palpable disgust y/n had been used to as a kid. He wouldn’t resort to alcoholism. she’d sworn her children would never be stuck in the cycle of worshipping their father most days, and wishing their bodies were drained of his vile, cursed blood on others.

“Forget I even asked.”

Yet, as her daughter, barely ninety centimetres tall, pushes the phone back into her hand while the receiver rings with excuses, she’s not so sure of who Harry is anymore.

“Y/N,” he starts, voice still flat. He doesn’t even know what he’s done wrong, she realizes with horror. “It was just a party. I’ll come home soon, and we can celebrate properly. It’s just her sixth birthday, any—“

“Six.” She repeats, voice choking with disbelief. “She’s six now, Harry.”

“What are you saying?”

Sighing, Y/N moves further back as groups of kids rush past in a game of tag, all with bright smiles on their faces, besides the birthday girl. A bit of anger stirred in her chest. Of course, he’d had to make her sad on this day.

“It lasts so much longer, you don’t even know,” y/n shakes her head. “Darcy’s six now, but she won’t be forever. She still waits up for your phone call, regardless of the fact that you’ve missed calling her for weeks. Do you know what it does to her, when I have to tell her own father chose a stack of documents and negotiations over her own birthday?”

“I wouldn’t if it wasn’t important—“

“That’s the thing, isn’t it? I’m afraid you’re forgetting that she is too.”

“That’s ridiculous,” he rebukes harshly. “Stop putting words in my mouth, Y/N. I never said that.”

“I don’t need to put words in your mouth,” she laughs bitterly, “your actions are enough. I don’t have to tell you what went through her mind when she blew out her candles, with everyone there but you. She’s a baby, Harry. Our baby. Her self-confidence is going to be in shreds if you keep this up.”

“I still call,” he cries, his voice lined vaguely with desperation. “She knows I love her more than anything.”

“The least you could give her is some consistency. On the rare occasion you call, it’s when it’s most convenient to you—she stays up till two in the morning some days, just to hear your voice. You know what she wished for? For you to either come back, or stay away.”

“I didn’t—“

“I’m not done,” she exhales sharply, swiping her hand over her tearstained cheeks. Her voice broke. “She asked me if you wanted to give her a divorce, Harry. What am I supposed to tell her?”

He’s sobbing at this point. Guttural cries harshly racking through his chest, and he’s never cried so hard that his rib cage felt it would burst from the image of his little girl blowing out the candles dejectedly, searching for her daddy’s face in an otherwise crowded room, only to come back empty. For fuck’s sake, she thought he wanted to abandon her. He had never hated himself more.

“How do I tell her you choose paperwork over her life? How do I keep her from thinking she comes second all her life or developing an inferiority complex. She’s six now, Harry, but I’m afraid of what happens when she’s not anymore. If she carries all of this with her. I still carry it with me,” she sniffles, “and it is not pretty.”

“You really hurt her.”

“I love her so much,” his hoarse voice insists unconvincingly, an ugly feeling spreading within him at who he has become. His fingers shake as they hold onto the phone. He glares at the fineprint in front of him as it blurs to meaningless, double-spaced diatribes. “I didn’t mean to hurt her.”

“I know,” y/n says, looking down at the streamers that lay on the ground. The shattered tiara. Her voice lowers as people pass by. “I’m just afraid, one day, you’ll forget.”

Darcy watches her mother’s wet face crumple and then twist into an unconvincing smile as guests walk by her. She hears her father’s cries, rendered meaningless to her young mind by the simple fact that it measures meaning through who shows up. And he hasn’t shown up for quite some time.

Her wish echoes in her mind: for daddy to come back or stay away. Lifting herself off of the ground, where she sat quietly listening to her unbeknownst mother’s words, she decides the latter would hurt less.

—

“Hey,” Harry breathes, shrugging off his black coat and gently pushing the door shut in conjunction. His eyes immediately find Y/N, who shuffles a bit closer. She blinks blearily, confused and uncertain if he’s actually there, or if this is some sleep-induced dream.

Her worries are smoothened by a low “come ‘ere,” and his strong arms pulling her to his chest, twisting around her in an impossibly warm cocoon. She mumbles something incomprehensible even to herself, and feels his chest rumble as he chuckles, lips pressed furtively to her hairline.

“Miss me?” He questions, light humour in his voice, but sincerity in his green eyes. She rolls her eyes, are you kidding me? This brings a smile to his face; he leans in slightly, cupping her cheek with one palm, capturing her lips in a tender kiss, his mouth closed over hers, like she had been waiting for.

It was easy to get lost in the kiss. Her head was swimming from impact, the dizziness sending her knees buckling, his arms holding her up. She blames it on being exhausted, but internally knows it’s because it’s him.

“Sleepy girl,” he brushes a lock of hair back with his fingers, eyes lighting up with affection at the sight of her: with a bare face and blinking eyes, a yawn tugging at her lips.

“As much as I am not opposed to this sort of intervention,” she begins, rubbing her eyes with closed fists, “mind explaining why you’re here at—“ turns to look at the digital clock atop the kitchen’s oven, “—two in the morning?”

“Guilt?” He offers, sheepishly. She’s confused at first, but her eyes soon widen with realization.

“Right,” she sounds, pushing him back lightly. “You’re,” tap “a,” tap, “jerk.” (jab)

“I know,” he grouses, “but ‘m an apologetic jerk. I need to talk to m’baby.”

“I don’t know, Harry,” Y/N sighs, eyes flickering towards Darcy’s bedroom tentatively. “She’s really upset.”

His eyes are morosely swimming with guilt. “I want to make it better.”

“You will,” she promises, “you’re you, and she adores you. But, it’s not going to be a cake-walk, either.”

—

Darcy wakes up to the scent of buttermilk pancakes and the sound of bacon sizzling on the griddle. Lifting herself out of her twin-sized bed with a yawn, she squinted her pale green eyes as sunshine flooded into the room, signifying it was morning. Her stomach rumbles with hunger.

“Mumma,” she called hoarsely, waiting a few seconds before calling again, with a slightly higher voice.

When Y/N walks in the room, she quickly shuffles over, pressing her face against her leg, so her cheek is mushed.

“Good morning, darling. you hungry?” y/n asks, lifting Darcy up so she’s latched onto her hip, free fingers caught in her thick, chocolate brown curls, detangling them gently.

“Mhm,” she responded, clinging to Y/N like a koala while her mother took her into the washroom to brush her teeth.

“I have a surprise for you, Darc,” she hums, turning the faucet and testing the water for lukewarm temperature with her wrist. This causes Darcy to brighten a bit. “A belated birthday present.”

“Present?” Darcy asks delightedly while Y/N finally carried her freshly washed self to the kitchen, where the scent of stacked thick, syrupy buttermilk pancakes, bacon, and berries once again evade her senses. What causes her to shift slightly in her mother’s hold is the familiar man in the kitchen, his back towards them. He has chocolate curls just as she, and once he turns, those are her eyes on his face, the same dimples poking out as he grins.

“Hi, Darc,” he coos, setting the spatula down and walking towards them with arms wide open.

Darcy twists in Y/N’s hold, and Harry clearly doesn’t notice—he’s still smiling expectantly.

“Look! Daddy’s home, baby,” she urges, but Darcy just tightens her grip on Y/N uncomfortably.

“Momma,” she mumbles lowly, hiding her face in her mother’s neck when Harry comes closer. She lets out a low whine.

Beginning to notice a pattern, he frowns, stepping back a bit before forcing a smile onto his face. Harry gestures to the breakfast foods on the counter.

“‘ve made your favourite,” he tries half-heartedly. Y/N’s own heart breaks at the look on his face and the way Darcy’s hiding from him.

“You two should eat,” he finally says to Y/N, smiling at her reassuringly, although she can see the dejection in his eyes. “She’s hungry, and I don’t think she’ll eat if I...”

“H...”

“It’s fine,” he says, kissing Y/N soundly and then retreating to the bedroom. Her eyes follow him worriedly as he leaves, but her train of thought is disrupted with tiny fists tugging at the hem of her top.

“Pancakes,” Darcy instructs, and Y/N rolls her eyes, before following the command.

—

Harry likes to think he’s making progress when he sits by Darcy as she plays with her toys, and she doesn’t exit to the nearest room. Of course, he’s sitting quite still, just watching her and not really making much conversation as she conducts a tea party, but he can wait until she wants to talk.

Things are going fine, until he rises to step out for a moment and get something from his car. Darcy’s eyes curiously follow him, before being filled with dread.

“Daddy, wait,” she whimpers, carrying herself as fast as her legs could take her, before her arms finally latch around his left leg, catching him by surprise and nearly sending his clumsy self tumbling. He struggles to balance himself with the six year old at his leg. He’s quite alarmed to look down and find her wide, green eyes shining with tears, her bottom lip trembling just like Y/N’s does before she’s about to cry.

“Hey,” he croons softly, lifting his daughter up, smoothing his hand through her unruly curls as she hiccups a small cry. “What’s wrong, hm? Are you hurt?”

“Are you leaving again, daddy?”

His heart stops.

“Are you leaving for good, because I didn’t play with you? I promise I didn’t mean it when I wished for you to stay away, I take it back,” she cried, breathing unevenly and sniffling.

He lifts her up until she’s at eye level with him, and shakes his head.

“No,” he stresses, making sure he’s firm. “I am not leaving. Never leavin’ you, bug. Never think that.”

“But you didn’t come to my birthday,” she sniffles. “Y-you don’t even love me anymore.”

“That’s not true!”

“You don’t hafta lie,” she says softly, looking at the floor and shifting uncomfortably, sadness coating all of her cute features. Her eyes darken to a hazy jade, just as Harry’s do when he’s upset.

“I’m not lying,” he promises, expression softening as he sets her on the ground and then sinks to her level, on his knees. Her posture suggests she’s just gotten told off, back hunched and face crumpled.

“Love you this much,” he gestures, spreading his arms as wide as he could, “and more.”

Darcy peers at him skeptically, still not quite convinced.

“And I’m sorry,” he enunciates slowly, regret written all over his face. “I’m so sorry I wasn’t there last night, or any of the nights before. I lost sight of who I was for a moment, but I don’t want anything if I haven’t got you. You’re the most precious thing in my life. I’m sorry I was being a shi— er, a bad daddy. I swear I won’t be anymore.”

“Pinky swear?” Darcy asks in a hushed tone, bringing a smile to Harry’s face. His hand reaches for hers.

“Pinky swear.”

MASTERLIST

You’re Alright | Roman Sionis x Male!Reader

Another vent fic, who would have thought?! I’m sorry for not fulfilling another request tonight and making you wait instead, but uhhh- If I hadn’t written this then I’d probably have done sth like Reader does in the fic, and none of us would want that. So, yeah, short “disclaimer” for those who might be worried then; I haven’t done the ‘really bad’ things that Reader will be doing in the fic, obviously. That’s why I wrote it - so I wouldn’t follow through with it. [I hope it’ll prevent me from doing it entirely (speaking of tomorrow, for example, lol)]. Anyway, mind the tags and all that, if anyone should end up reading it at all. Cheers!

summary; OCD and BPD strike again? Reader has open wounds and intrusive thoughts pop up to only make matters worse. Roman is being a good ass boyfriend, y’all.

notes; TW // Contamination OCD; BPD episode, kind of; Delusion (I think?); Dissociation; Descriptions of open wounds; Self-Harm (scratching oneself; also Attempted Self-Harm); Intrusive Thoughts; Anxiety; Knives. Male!Reader; Emotional Hurt/Comfort; Grounding; Showering (nothing explicit, but the shower plays a part in the beginning); Receiving Help; Also Roman calls Reader “sweet boy” and “sweetheart” for those who might feel uncomfortable with that.

While Roman was still busy, you had taken a shower, like you did every single day, as it was set in your routine. That evening, though, you were in utter pain. Your hands, wrists and forearms were littered with open, bleeding and puss-oozing wounds, in which you had then discovered lint from your sweater you've been wearing all day. It made you feel sick and panicked. Your mind was racing, while you were desperately holding your wounds under cold water to wash them out and hopefully get the lint out of there.

Every once in a while, you stopped the running water and looked at your wounds in the bright light of the bathroom, closely inspecting them. There was still some lint in them. You wanted to scream. Instead of doing that, you grabbed your soap, turned on the tap once more and then scrubbed your hands and arms to get rid of it, anxious that it would actually cause an infection.

That was all before your shower. When you've finally gotten rid of all the lint, you stepped into the shower and tried to just concentrate on that and think about what you'd be doing with Roman that night. It was hard, though. Your thoughts always jumped back to your wounds, which you also couldn't help but see while you were showering. It was awful. You felt sick to your stomach.

After your shower, you toweled yourself dry quickly and dressed in your most comfortable clothes, which consisted of a too big, old shirt and sweat pants, for calm, casual evenings. Then you took a closer look at the wounds once more. There really seemed to not be any more lint in the open ones, but you noticed that some of the closed ones were a little dark. Your mind started racing once more. Was it lint that you hadn't noticed before the wound closed? Was it possible for the wound to close up properly when there was something in it? You didn't know, you weren't a doctor after all. Fuck!

Trying not to let the anxiety get to you, you washed your hands again and tried to just think about Roman and nothing else.

It just wouldn't work. 

Instead images and thoughts pushed themselves into your mind, making you watch how you hurt yourself in your mind's eye. You had to see how you would scratch open the closed wounds, or take a knife and cut them open, to get them really bleeding and hopefully get all the dirt out of there.

You didn't want to do it. It was very tempting, though. So much, so that you had to will yourself back to reality and calm down for a moment, before you finally left the bathroom, shaken up and clenching your fists rhythmically.

Then you were stuck in the bedroom, pacing and doing skills to get rid of the urge, but nothing worked. Nothing made the images go away. Nothing eased your mind. Nothing made you look at the wounds and think it was everything but what you thought it was.

You started to get desperate. Knowing he allowed you to interrupt him in such cases, you wanted to call for Roman or go get him, but you always felt so guilty about it. You knew how important the current meeting was, and you didn't want to embarrass him in front of his business partners.

Subconsciously, you had started scratching the spots that were responsible for your situation. You didn't break skin just yet, but you were close. It burned painfully. 

It wasn't enough.

Not really knowing what you were doing, your legs moved you over to one of the bedside tables, Roman's, where you knew a knife lay in it. You took it out of the drawer and pulled it out of it's expensive leather sheath. It glinted in the dimmed bedroom lights, as you looked at it closely, as if in a trance.

Then you sat down on the edge of the bed, the knife in your hand, as you tried as hard as you could not to follow through with this. Every little glance at your wounds made you weaker. Every little thought of what could be under your skin, under the closed wounds, made you itch for it more and more.

"Don't do it, sweetheart," you suddenly heard Roman's calm voice, startling you.

You looked up at him with wide eyes, while the blade pointed at the back of your one hand. "But-"

"No. Don't do it. It's stupid and you know it. I'm here now. Put the knife down, sweet boy." With every little sentence he stepped closer to you, slowly and deliberately, his arms spread open, and his hands raised, in a placating manner.

"There is something under my skin! I- I just need to get it out and then I'll put the knife down, okay?" Your hands started shaking. If it was anxiety, or from trying to hold yourself back, you didn't know.

Suddenly Roman's hands wrapped around each of your wrist; one pulled your arm forcefully away from your hand, as it was the one holding the knife. "Let go of the knife. Now." He squeezed your wrist. It hurt, due to the open wounds, less because of how tightly he was gripping your arm.

After a few moments, you finally let go of the knife and let it fall to the floor between you and Roman. He quickly picked it up, put it back in the sheath and then back in the drawer.

All the while, you sat on the edge of the bed, your entire body quivering. You felt so fucking sick to your stomach all of a sudden.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry," you whined repeatedly, not able to look at him at all, instead looking at your thighs.

Roman sat down beside you and wrapped his arms around you, drawing you close and against his chest. "Ssshhh, it's alright. It's alright, sweetheart. You haven't done it on purpose, it's alright, eh?"

Sniveling, you buried your face in his chest. He rubbed his hands gently up and down on your one arm that wasn't pressed against him. Like this, he continued shushing you for a good while, as you tried your best to calm down.

When you've calmed down quite enough, you withdrew from his chest, reluctantly looking at him. You knew that if he could smile, he would try to put on his best reassuring, gentle smile for you. Even though there was nothing of his remaining face visible, but only his leather mask instead, you just knew that was what he was trying to express anyway. You leaned up and pressed your lips to the cold metal zipper, like you always did. He nudged his masked face against yours gently, in the mock of a kiss back.

"What can I do to help you, my sweet boy?" Roman asked after a few moments, murmuring it against your lips.

"I- I don't know. I'm sorry. I have no fucking idea." You lowered your head, partially in shame, partially in frustration.

Roman lifted your head back up by his gentle grip with his index finger and thumb on your chin. "It's alright. We'll find a way. Should I perhaps call the doctor and have him take a look at it?"

With wide eyes, you shook your head frantically. You couldn't stand doctors at the best of times. You were terrified.

"Alright, no doctors then," he chuckled lightly, making you smile wryly. "How about we'll carefully clean out all your wounds then, and wrap them up afterwards? Would that help?"

"I don't know. Maybe?" You shrugged, wincing.

Roman sighed and squeezed the arm where one of his hands still rested on. "We'll just have to try then, eh?," he nudged you gently, "Come on then, let's do this, alright, sweetheart?"

"Alright, yeah. Thank you," you whispered, smiling softly.

Roman leaned into you and nudged his face against yours once more, as you kissed the zipper a couple of times.

For a moment you could at least forget what had even happened before.

The Seventh House - The House of Partnership

This is the seventh part of a twelve part series briefly explaining how the signs work in each house. Enjoy! 

The Seventh House ruled by Libra and Venus is known as The House of Partnership. If you’re wondering if there is an opposite to your Ascendant, look no further, it is your Descendant. The ascendant is the exterior self that we put out unto others, whilst the Descendant is the outer exterior of life that we attract. The people we draw in. It is the beginning of the southern portion of your birth chart. Marking a halfway point, hence the sharing of the axis with your Ascendant. Which is why it is tied to forming unions, coming together, and creating a bond with someone to complete a purpose. Here we are looking for our other half in life. We have done all our soul searching and now want to enjoy our rewards and create something bigger with someone else. It is when we are ready for marriage in life or to get serious with someone to take the next steps in life together. Unions are made whether they be romantic or business. It is the type of relationship that needs investment and time in order to thrive. In the Seventh House we are attempting to attract what makes us feel secure and safe, and how we go about locking down what we want for our future and with who. When things go well, these unions become prosperous and we achieve what we set ourselves out to do. When things take a turn for the worse we see the dark side of this partnership: divorce, getting married for the wrong reasons, lawsuits, treaties, creation of enemies, etc. It is important that when we tap into this house we attempt to invest with our best collaborators so as to see the full potential of what type of partnerships we can have. Libra and Venus rule this house, as we know Venus is the Goddess of Love and Libra is all about peace, harmony, and codependency, which are all traits that a relationship needs in order to succeed. Overall, when we begin our search to relate to others we do it so that we may become members of humankind and bring purpose into our foundations. 

In matters of love, the descendant is usually used to see what kind of people you attract and you will notice that it is the opposite sign of your rising sign. For example, I am a Cancer Rising, so my descendant would be Capricorn, so I tend to go for Capricorn type people when I date. I am an Aquarius Sun/Sagittarius Moon, Aquarius Mars/Venus, yet I tend to attract earth/water sign men and for the longest time I could not understand why. I now realize it has to do with my Cancer/Capricorn combo at play. This means that my Cancer Rising is calling the shots when I am looking for security in relationships, because I am looking for someone to protect my first house with their Capricorn traits. Let me know if you guys agree or what experiences you have to this house! 

To conclude, “The First House is the seed point of self awareness, and the seventh house is the seed point of the awareness of others.”  (Astrology Club) 

Aries in the Seventh House: This partner is as you’d expect it, a more playful, angry type. It’s the kind of partnership that brings in a lot of passion, enthusiasm, and energy. The relationships tend to be impulsive and not well thought out. Because of this, you struggle with the idea that your choices may be bad for you so you have a hard time dealing with conflicts and trying to make things better with your partner. You need to set boundaries in order to see the relationship for what it really is otherwise things will continue to be chaos.  The type of person who understands you will be able to keep up and carry the same strength and liveliness as you. They will be reactive to your actions, which is what you will love. Be weary of doing too much or too little in this partnership. Sometimes you fail to sit back and let things unfold and would rather take action thus resulting in people feeling like they can’t do things for themselves. Take the usual thought of “Me” and “I” and change it to “We” by putting your partner first and saying “after you.” If you learn to balance your passionate energy and direct it, you will see how much you can really bring to your partnership and not just yourself. In love, you may marry quickly and find love at a very young age, you can thank your Libra Rising charm for that. 

Taurus in the Seventh House: The other side of Venus, Taurus represents what is practical, earthly beauty, and the simple fine things in life. In contrast, Libra represents outer beauty, makeup, vanity, and pose. For this placement to work fully, it needs to balance both these energies for harmony. Otherwise there is a conflict of envy and feelings of not being “pretty” enough. The type of partnership meant for you must consist of sensual, physical contact, and intimacy. You also need someone to be serious because you enjoy a private life and wish to have someone protect that. Your partner also needs to bring stability and financial security to your life, as any Taurus, since you do love your material wealth. Taking things slow is your forte and you need a partner who is going to understand that, this will usually be annoying to most people, so be sure to communicate this in any relationship that you wish to invest in. Like Aries, you struggle with the doing too most factor or doing too less. Balance is key so don’t expect too much from your partner, and vice versa. Once you are able to acquire the mindset “what can I give?” instead of “what can I get?” you will learn to be a better Taurus partner.

Gemini in the Seventh House: The ever so intellectual and stimulating Gemini is drawn to partners that keep them entertained and give them all the mental connection they can get. However, since this is the house of partnership, be weary of having solely mental connections, when more philosophical ones are needed. Communication with your partner is key so that they are aware of your sensitivities and you don’t always appear cold or detached. Usually you’ll find yourself in social gatherings and meet tons of people, but never really form intimate bonds with anyone. Because of this you pursue/attract people that are younger since you like to be a teacher to them, which in turn feeds your soul. But in the house of partnership we can’t only be thinking of the self and what stimulates us, we have to be compassionate, understanding, and philosophical with someone else. You may go through multiple partnerships/marriages because you spontaneously enter unions and overthink yourself into oblivion. Just like you do people, you jump from project to project, which can frustrate any person that you are with since they never really know what’s going on in your mind. There’s nothing wrong with thinking of a million ways to do something, but for the sake of this union, it’s important that you are able to communicate and soften your mindset.

Cancer in the Seventh House: The influence of family is the heaviest in this placement. This can bring about limitations in the growth needed for an individual to be ready to provide for their partner. You will need to learn to form your own personal goals so that you may define your ego + personality without the shadow of your family. A functioning relationship for you consists of tenderness, emotion, intimacy, and a healthy family life. You are emotional,  sensitive, and need someone to nurture this part of you. However, in a negative light, your desire for such traits can lead to possessiveness and a lack of confidence, which are not healthy. The need for emotional harmony can sometimes lead to the destruction of your union since there is no balance, just neuroticism and intense emotions. Without even thinking, you might be finding yourself with people that can recreate a mother role, or vice versa, where you reenact the mother role. When you are able to separate the fine line between caring about someone and drowning in your need for them, you will see that you can offer close, personal emotions that are at the center of the connection with your loved one. 

Leo in the Seventh House: Known for your leadership qualities it is important to note that although you may be the bossy one in other aspects of your life, you actually let your partner take control of what goes on in your partnership. The reason for this is because your partner is a reflection of who you actually are inside, but your partner projects that outwardly in the relationship. Sometimes your partner may also be the star and attracts the attention, but you enjoy to see this and watch from their shadow. It makes you happy that your partner gets all this attention but belong to you. However, a happy union is one where both partners get the spotlight, not just one. You may not know it, but you need attention all the same, and can fall into a depression if you don’t receive it. If you’re wondering why you have strong enemies in your life, this placement may be why. The Leo qualities that you project may be bossy and not thinking of others which can be the reason that causes enemies. Your enemies are strong minded just like you but you will learn that with enthusiasm and energy, you can fight them off and get them to understand where you’re coming from. You want your partner to obey your rules, but you may struggle obeying theirs. Again, a happy matrimony will be of one where you both agree to listen to each other. There can be a tension of power play in this partnership, be weary. All you really want in life is romance and a candlelit dinner, make it known. 

Virgo in the Seventh House: There is a lot of criticism in the way you attract a partnership. You want them to give you what you want, often losing sight that they too have emotions and thoughts. You want your partner to bring to the table what you lack, and vice versa. Negatively, you strive for perfection which in turn affects your happiness. You care about practicality, certainty, and won’t make a move unless you are certain of the outcome. Like Gemini, your partner must stimulate your mind and keep you thinking. Because of this, your relationships are not the most emotional or sincere. Your partner might think the union is cool and dry, and don’t really know your where your heart is at. You spend a lot of time criticizing your partner, or they may be doing that to you, whatever the case it comes off demanding and ambiguous. This may be why you suffer in relationships. In the marriage department, you might have to go through a few trial and errors to get it right. By the second marriage you have more chances of being successful since you have more time to mature. Learn to give without expecting anything in return. Be realistic of high expectations and cut your partner some slack, you must be putting in the work as well. In this placement, we can no longer be selfish and have to think of our partner and how to make a union work. 

Libra in the Seventh House: This placement is in Its natural house, where Venus rules the seventh house, Libra is comfortable. In relationships, you take your time with choosing the best partner for you. What this person must bring is an attitude that tells you they are going to put the relationship above all else. This can have its negative and positive sides. You are likely to be more of a receiver than a giver here, hoping that your partner puts in most of the work. Be careful about this trait because you make it seem like you only care about yourself in this partnership. You tend to rely more on your partner’s support than they do on you, which can make your partner feel neglected. There can be issues of your partner feeling like their identity is being lost because they are catering to you most of the time. From the get go, your need for a relationship is established and hence why you are committed to finding a partnership. The right union for you is one of harmony and balance because you care about a partnership that can come to a middle ground. It’s all about keeping the peace here. In matters of business or at work, people are drawn to your naturally charming and energetic personality, but it is this same personality that tends to get taken advantage of.

Scorpio in the Seventh House: As always, Scorpio brings about deep, intense, powerful, and profoundly intimate partnerships. They can either kill you or bring you to life. Because of how passionate you come off and want your relationships to be, you might scare away those who are not able to handle such strong intimacy. Or flip the roles, and it’s you who might not be able to handle such a relationship. The traits of this placement bring about possessiveness and jealousy because of how obsessive you can be in your partnerships. However, this is a house of spirituality and union rather than just the self, so learning to let go of such obsessiveness is needed in order for your relationships to thrive. Once you are able to accept your weaknesses, you are able to accept everyone else’s which in turn makes you stronger. Intimacy for you is very serious and you will not become intimate unless you are sure the other person is serious about you too. Usually you care about your personal security and how your partner can make you feel safe, but here you must learn to acquire a security for all of life. Your partners will be magnetic, powerful, extremely passionate but this invites jealousy and darker more mysterious types as well. If betrayal happens in your partnerships, the result will be one of revenge and bitterness.

Sagittarius in the Seventh House: Free as the archer is, in a partnership you need your freedom In order to thrive. It is important for your partner to have a life of their own, completely independent of yours. If you are able to find such a person then this is who you will surely commit to. Clingy types that need your full devotion and attention will struggle with being happy because you will not be able to satisfy those who are codependent. When you do find the right person you will go out of your way to keep the relationship fun and exciting. Through adventure and travel is how you ultimately want to express your love. Anyone who is up for the journey will ensure a long lasting union. You are very curious and expressive of how you feel and think so you are interested in many subjects and people from all over the world. You always want to learn and have a thirst for knowledge so you like to learn from people storytelling their experiences. You may find yourself running from one experience to another, learning, and escaping to cope, but in this placement we must find a union within ourself and the world. If you think you are restless in your search for love, stop and take a breath, and try to figure out who is down for you to get to know you and your quirks. It will take another type of odd, open minded person to fully understand you, so if you haven’t found that yet, it’s only because you have not crossed paths with anyone like that yet. Rare people are hard to find.

Capricorn in the Seventh House: Success is sexy! You tend to attract partners that pretty much have their shit together. You are inspired by these types. The material and financial comfort that they have gained for themselves is something you want to be a part of because it makes you feel safe. Whether they provide it for you or you are inspired to achieve the same, this is the type of partnership you ultimately want. Knowing that your partner is FULLY taken care of, is 10/10 for you. If your partner can’t provide for you, what’s the point? However, you are not a gold digger. If anything, you want to know they can provide for you because you want to do the same for them. On a positive note, if both partners work hard, this will be a lasting union. However, if one does more providing than the other, than the relationship may have its faults and miscommunication. Problems of not being enough or feeling unsatisfied will emerge. Because of this, you are very picky and take your time committing to anyone because they have to be the ultimate package. If they don’t have everything you want, you will not pursue it. Those who do fancy you, you will find that you are stuck on them hoping for them to tie you down. This union is of patience, understanding, and stability. Very straightforward you see marriage as a coming together to help build an empire of sorts, such as marrying for status or wealth. Feelings of love may come second so it is important to express words of love to your significant other as to not make the relationship feel purely materialistic.

Aquarius in the Seventh House: The lucky fellow who captures your heart will earn your extraordinary loyalty. You demand a lot from a relationship, in terms of freedom and the space to roam as you please. In a positive union, your partner will also share these qualities. Huge know it alls you tend to project your superiority complex in your partnership and home. This makes you feel secure because you like to feel as if you have things under control. Perhaps you will find your partner through working for humanitarian groups since you tend to attract those that are fighting for a cause. Coming together with one other person may be hard for you because you are so independent and think for the world, not just for you and your partner. Be aware of how you may make your partner feel as though there is no passion outside of a group setting. You also have to be able to alone with them and connect with them on a higher level. You can’t be friends with your partner, well you can, but they have to mean more to you than just friends for this partnership to work. Once you are able to find the person who balances your need for freedom and power, you will reward them with your undying loyalty. Also be careful of your Leo tendencies to dominate your loved ones because if you’re attracting those with Aquarius qualities, they also value their freedom and independence, so give them the chance to be their own person and not someone under your rule. Overall, this union will be eccentric, unconventional, and exciting if your partner is willing to experiment with all the quirks and kinks you have to offer. Your partner will exude qualities of being a visionary, genius, and an intellectual. Try not to possess them and trust that they are yours without you having to demand for their attention! 

Pisces in the Seventh House: Spirituality, compassion, and empathy are important to you. You may not possess these traits as much as you’d like so you may go looking for them in someone else. Partners that you attract may need to be nurtured in a way that makes you feel useful. You want someone that supports your imaginative type so you may not go for rational, practical types in fear of them shooting down your dreamy ideas. In a negative aspect, you and your partner may find themselves a bit removed from reality with no one to tell you guys to come back to the surface. This can be toxic so be weary of letting this type of behavior consume you. A partnership that works for you consists of being able to be spiritual and compassionate of each other while also aiming towards practicality and seeing things for what they really are. For you having a partner is very important and ultimately the only thing you find necessary in life. Once you find your soulmate you tend to give yourself to them which can lead to vulnerability, deceit, and mysteriousness, so be clear of what you want and try not to let yourself get taken advantage of. However, you might not even realize that you are getting taken advantage of because you see nothing wrong with helping out a loved one. Your partner may have deep rooted issues that you want to fix, but you can’t, they are just manipulating you for their well being. SNAP OUT OF IT and find yourself someone who truly values you and not someone who needs you.

⤷ pairing: shouto todoroki x reader

⤷ genre: fluff

⤷ word count: 2786

⤷ a/n: i had a lot of fun writing this even if it took me three days, so i hope you guys have fun reading,, thank you @ererokii​ for beta-reading and making the header, love you bby

☆彡

“What do you mean we have the day off,” you asked your boyfriend, one foot already out the door, and you fully dressed and prepared to go kick ass as a pro hero.

“Look outside Y/n,” you shifted your attention from Shouto, focusing on the raging blizzard outside through the window of your apartment.

“You’re going to let a couple of snowflakes stop us from saving people,” you asked, not so silently judging the half and half man currently pouring himself a bowl of cereal in the kitchen.

“The agency called for an off day. You can go to work, but no one’ll be there,” Shouto sighed, grabbing the milk carton from the fridge.

“Are you serious,” you pouted, stepping back inside and closing the door behind you.

“I know how much you love your job, but you work too hard. Maybe this is a sign that you should take a break,” Shou suggested, putting the cap back on the milk and placing it on the top shelf inside the fridge.

“I love that you worry for me, but I work so hard because I love my job. Seeing the smiles on people’s faces whenever I arrive at an incident and being able to help them is always the second-best part of my day,” you confessed, making your way back to your bedroom so you could change and get comfy.

Shouto watched you disappear into your shared bedroom as he took another spoonful of his cereal. He listened from the kitchen as you opened and closed draws, grumbling about how much this sucked. He would never admit it, but his feelings were a little hurt that you thought having to spend a day with him was that bad. After a couple of minutes, you reemerged from the bedroom wearing a pair of Shouto’s grey sweats that sat loosely on your hips, not that it mattered because the oversized pink hoodie you were wearing covered everything up perfectly.

You made your way over to your boyfriend, who was in the middle of reading the back of the cereal box. “Is there any more,” you asked Shou, prompting him to look up from the maze he was close to solving. You guys had been living together for three months and dating for twelve, but he couldn’t help but blush every time he saw you in his clothes.

“Uh, yeah,” Shou said, reaching over to hand you the cereal box. He watched as you mimicked the same steps he had taken earlier, taking a bowl out the cabinet, then moving to the fridge to get the milk, and he realized something that made him feel all fuzzy on the inside, it was always in moments like this where you looked the most mundane when you were the most beautiful to him.

“What are you staring at,” you teased, pulling out a chair across the table from your boyfriend.

“You,” he paused mid-scoop of his cereal, a bit taken aback by his own suddenness, but deciding to along with it, “Do I tell you often enough how beautiful? Because you are very, very beautiful.”

Now it was your turn to blush. You reached over to run your fingers against the softness of his cheek, peering into his eyes as you felt the butterflies in your stomach begin to rise, “I don’t know how I ended up with someone as perfect as you.” You watched his lips curl up into a smile, and you noticed the way that his eyes lit up when you leaned over to steal a kiss before sitting back down in your seat.

“So what should we do today” you asked, completely blanking on anything you guys could do to have fun on what was probably going to be a pretty boring day.

He took less than a minute to ponder your question, before standing up from the table and gathering his dishes, “Do you remember the night you first stayed over? We popped-”

“Popped popcorn and made a fort and spent all night cuddled up together watching movies,” you recalled, remembering how nervous you were that day. By now, being all close and personal with Shou was something you had gotten used to, but in the earlier days of your relationship, it took you awhile to get used to how cold he was. He wasn’t someone who craved affection, which meant 90% of the time you were the one that had to initiate interactions with him, even the little things like hand-holding. But over time, he had gotten used to the random pecks on his cheek, and your hugs from behind, and every now and then he would call you by a name that wasn’t your own, or pull you in for an unsolicited smooch session. “Is that what you want to do today?”

“Unless you want to do something else. It’s up to you,” Shou answered, placing the bowls he had finished washing on the drying rack before shifting his attention towards the empty food bowls by the fridge.

“I think that sounds like a plan,” you smiled, standing up from the table to pass your boyfriend a can of cat food from the pantry. At the sound of the can opening, you watched the eyes of your black house cat open, and after a short stretching session, the pitter-patter of her little feet on the hardwood was heard throughout the living room. For a second or two, you watched to make sure that she paced herself while she was eating, worried that she might choke on the pellets.

“Y/n, Luna is going to be fine. I don’t know why you worry about her so much,” Shou sighed, picking up her water bowl and trailing over to the sink. You listened to the soft purrs of your cat as she ate from her white food bowl, decorated with black fish and crossbones patterned around the rim, before the sound of the tap running filled the silence of the kitchen. You had found Luna one day in the parking garage. You remember how scared she looked when your eyes met hers through the windshield of your car. She was half dead and starving and in no condition to be running the streets the way she was. The next month and a half consisted of you and Shouto taking her to vet appointments and learning how to function with the new addition to your family.

“Well, she is our practice kid, right? If I do a good job parenting her, then the skills should automatically transfer over when we have a real kid to take care of,” you said very matter of factly, watching the muscles in Shou’s forearm flex as he squatted to place the water bowl down where it had originally sat.

“So how about you pop the popcorn and I set up the movie, that way we can do the fort together,” you asked, already moving towards the living room. You heard a quick hum from Shouto followed by the sound of his slippers hitting the kitchen titles. You shuffled through Shouto’s Blu Ray collection, picking out some of his favorite movies along with your own.

Just as you were about to shift your attention towards trying to figure out how to work Shouto’s ancient DVD player, the lights in the living room went out, then the ones in the hallway. You turned your head to Shou, who was standing in the kitchen, pressing the buttons on the microwave in frustration, trying to get it to work again. You moved to pick up Luna, ignoring the painful sting of her nails scratching your skin before walking towards your confused boyfriend in the kitchen corner.

“Babe, I think the power is out,” you said, placing your hand on top of his, successfully grasping his attention. “I think we should call the landlord.”

ミ☆

While you listened to the conversation Shouto and the landlord were having on the phone, you checked in with your neighbor across the hall, asking her if she was having the same problems but most importantly, making sure she was okay. She told you that her power had gone out too and assured you that she and her family were doing perfectly fine. After you had texted her goodbye, you turned to Shou, who had just finished up his call. “It looks like the power for the whole city is out,” he sighed, and that was pretty sucky, but the sad look on his face bothered you even more.

“What’s wrong, Shou? Is having internet really that important to you,” you joked, trying your best to lift his spirits only to be met with a heavy sigh.

You felt the weight of the couch shift under you, and you watched as Shouto took your hands in his. The feeling of his warm, calloused palms against you, along with the intertwining of your fingers, was one of your favorites in the world. You looked up from your hands and into Shouto’s eyes only for him to already be looking right back at you. “It’s not about the wifi. It’s just that today was finally going to be a chance for us to spend some time together. We may work at the same agency, and sleep in the same bed, but recently I’ve just felt really… distant from you,” he confessed, and you had to admit it was a bit odd for him to be the one complaining about distance.

You felt more than a little guilty as all the times you turned down eating lunch with him in favor for a couple extra minutes of gym time, or the times you would come home after patrolling into the late hours of the night, only for Shouto to be fast asleep, came rushing back to you. You couldn’t stop the tear that had rolled down your cheek or the ones that followed after that as you stared back at the sad eyes piercing your soul. “I’m really sorry, Shou,” was all you could manage to choke out before you wrapped your arms around his waist and pulled him into a hug that spoke all the words you were unable to.

Confusion was evident on Shouto’s face, he didn’t expect his sudden outburst expressing his feelings to have the effect that it did on you. Uncertain on what to do with his hands, Shou settled on rubbing your back, trying his best to calm you down, “I didn’t mean for you to cry Y/n. I’m sorry if I said anything to offend you-”

“I’m sorry for being the worst girlfriend ever. I can’t believe I put my job before you,” you sobbed, feeling bad that he had to put up with you for the past couple of months, “Look our day isn’t completely ruined. We can still build the fort, and instead of watching movies, we can… catch up on some reading!” You watched the smile on Shouto’s face slowly grow into a big goofy grin before he nodded in agreement with your idea.

☆彡

Shouto had taken responsibility for the fort’s structure, making sure the blankets were secure in the way they draped over the back of your kitchen chairs and that there was enough room in the fort for the two of you plus Luna. You were on comfort detail, scouring the apartment for pillows and fluffy blankets, seeing as the heat had gone out it was up to you to make sure that the members of your household didn’t freeze to death. 

After what felt like hours, but was really just thirty minutes (something Shouto was sure to remind you of every time you complained), of hard work and bickering about the placement of certain pillows and where to lay the blankets, you and Shouto were able to take a step back and look at the masterpiece you and he had created. “It’s beautiful,” you said, feeling on top of the world and full of pride because you knew that you and your boyfriend had just built the most perfect fort that had ever had the pleasure of gracing the earth. The base of the pillow fort was decked out with your thickest and most comfortable blankets and fluffiest pillows, seeing as that would be where you would be relaxing, so of course, you would want it to be as comfy as possible. Surrounding the fort were four chairs, all an equal distance from each other, on top of those laid your thinnest blankets, Shou had decided that they were the least likely to weigh the fort’s structure down. The mix-matched colors and patterns of your fort happened to compliment each other in the best way, which only added to its beauty.

You got on your hands and knees to crawl inside, considering that the fort was nowhere tall enough for you to get inside any other way. You were waiting for Shou to join you, but instead, you were met with your pet cat’s soft purs. You heard Shouto’s footsteps descending back to the kitchen, and you waited a minute or two for him to join before you let your curiosity get the best of you, “Whatcha doing over there, Shou?”

“Just give me a minute, I’ll be right there love,” the sound of the nickname he didn’t use too often made your stomach once again fill to the brim with butterflies. You looked over to Luna and gave her an excited smile, and in return, she gave you a quick ‘meow’ before going back to licking in between her paws. 

To fill the time, you decided to start one of the books Shouto had picked out for you to read. It was called Broken Things and much to your surprise, the book was actually really interesting, the story followed this girl who was willing to give away everything for the happiness of others, regardless of the repercussions it had on her life. You were sure he was trying to send you a message because Shou saying you were too nice was a complaint you heard leave his lips way too often.

When Shouto finally came back, he had a mug in each hand, proving it to be rather difficult for him to get inside. You took the cups from his hands to help him watching as he got down on all fours like you had earlier and  inside to join you and Luna, the warmth of the cups was a nice difference from the cold air in the room. “Is this hot chocolate? The gas is out too, right? How did you make this,” you asked, your eyes wide with awe because he had remembered your favorite drink, something you had told him when you first started dating. Your eyes followed the small smile on your boyfriend’s lips as he took a seat to the left of you before reaching for his drink.

“This same way I can do this,” he said, pulling you in closer so you could feel the warmth of his quirk. You snuggled in close to the human radiator sitting next to you, setting your cup down in favor of picking up where you had left off in your book, Shou doing the same.

After what couldn’t have been more than thirty minutes, you broke the comfortable silence that had settled between the two of you, to ask Shouto a question that you had been bugging you all day, “The office didn’t call for an off day did they?”

“How did you know,” he asked, looking over at you like a kid that had been caught drawing on the walls.

“Agencies don’t call for off days dummy, they can’t have all the heroes on break when there’s still people out there to save. Plus, you’re terrible at lying, I could tell you weren’t telling the truth the moment after you said it,” you looked up from the page you were on and into the heterochromatic eyes that had been staring at you.

“Do you mind if I ask you a question too,” Shouto asked, receiving a hum from you in return, “You mentioned earlier you said work was your second favorite part of the day, what’s your first?”

Once again, you looked up from your book, completely abandoning this time it in favor of laying your head on Shou’s chest and closing your eyes before answering his question, “Waking up next to you.”

You couldn’t see him, but you already knew his usually pale cheeks were slowly turning to a shade of rosy pink, and you cursed yourself for missing out on seeing his reaction.”

“I love you, Y/n.”

“I love you too, Shou.”

Alone at Midnight, Inside My Mind

@badthingshappenbingo

Ao3 Link

Bingo Card

using the prompt in a metaphorical sense, as opposed to the medical aid sense

Prompt: Crutches

Fandom: Yakuza/Ryu Ga Gotoku

Warnings: a lot of alcohol related issues, including addiction and withdrawal, some suicidal thoughts and body image issues, hurt/no comfort. set pre-Yakuza 2.

Wordcount: 5511

2pm. He could tell it was because his downstairs neighbour was home, attending to the array of plant pots she kept littered outside her door, and playing music on the radio that bled through the crack of the open window.

Daigo squinted in the afternoon light that managed to make its way through the blinds, groaning loudly.

“Fucking hell…”

Suppose now was as good a time as any to start the day. Especially when he felt his stomach rumble.

It took some effort to get to his feet, but soon he was dragging himself into the kitchen, yawning loudly. He needed something quick and tasty, now.

The fridge had nothing but convenience store sushi and days old leftover curry. The cupboards were also pretty bare, half a bag of rice and a ramen cup.

Daigo sighed heavily, setting his kettle to boil before grabbing the sushi. He stuffed a piece into his mouth, wrinkling his nose at the taste of stale rice but ate another without any complaint.

Head to the store. Get some more food, he thought, holding the ramen cup in place as he lifted up the kettle.

The water splashed on the counter a little, narrowly missing burning his fingers, making him forcefully slam the kettle back down once the cup was filled.

Daigo gripped the sides of the counter, closing his eyes as he felt a pulse of nausea rush through his body. If he forced the tension against the surface hard enough, he could stop his hands shaking for just a moment.

Eat noodles. Have a shower. Go to the store.

Opening his eyes again, he ate another piece of sushi, absolutely no taste on his tongue as he chewed it into mush, before taking his ramen into the living room.

He slumped down on the couch, turning the TV on and forced the food down him. He still felt nauseous, but he knew he wouldn’t actually vomit. He already had last night. Doubled over in a bush outside the train station and puked his guts out, despite not having much solids in him. Even now his throat felt sore from it. Classy.

He wasn’t even hungry, really. He was eating out of obligation, feeling his stomach gurgle happily at finally being filled with some kind of food.

As he ate, he noticed his cell phone on the table in front of him, discarded amongst the empty bottles and candy wrappers. It was flashing.

Daigo frowned, reaching over and flipping it open.

Three new answer machine messages.

Who the hell had tried calling him?

Message one - 9:25am

“Daigo, it’s your mother. Pick up.”

Message two - 9:43am

“Me again. Please answer your phone.”

Message three - 10:08am

“Daigo...it’s Mom-“

Daigo groaned, snapping his phone shut to end the messages. Nope! He was not dealing with this today.

He discarded the empty ramen cup and chopsticks with the rest of the trash on the table, storming towards the bathroom.

Shower on, clothes off. He used the toilet as the water heated up, catching the reflection of his upper half in the mirror as he finished.

“Hrmph.”

He ran a hand down his front, resting it on the middle of his stomach and huffed again.

His weight had been up and down the last ten years, though it had obviously settled during his stint in prison, with its shit food and no alcohol. Now that he was out, with all the freedom to indulge in every last inch of hedonism he could find though, he had developed a bit of a gut. Just a bump, but it was…noticeable, it was there. It stuck out.

No surprise really. How much did he drink last night again?

Enough I puked in a bush.

Daigo shifted on his feet, standing up a bit straighter and sucking his stomach in. It didn’t make much difference. He suddenly wondered how visible it was under his t-shirt, glad he usually wore a thick coat to hide himself in.

“Great,” he growled, stepping into the shower. Another thing to feel insecure about.

He stood there, forehead pressed against the wall as he let the water run down the Fudo Myoo on his back.

His hand started shaking again.

“Give me a break,” he said, clasping it to his chest, “A few hours, a day.”

He dried himself off, going back to his bedroom for a clean shirt and pair of jeans – both black, of course.

He also grabbed a heavy hoodie to wear to the store, a way to feel a little more comfortable in himself in a public place.

Wallet, keys, phone. Go to store. Buy supplies.

Daigo pulled his hood up as he jogged down the stairs, immediately blocked from leaving by the downstairs neighbour still gardening.

“Lovely afternoon, isn’t it Dojima-san?” Ito cried, beaming at him. She was older, always so chipper. How did she manage?

As much as he wanted to ignore her, Daigo had been raised with far too proper manners. He still remained casual, grunting a little and rubbing the back of his head.

“Yeah, suppose.”

“You came back late again last night,” she added, hands lifting a plant to move to another pot, “Ouma-san went off about it before going to work this morning.”

“Oh, did he now?”

Ouma was the guy around his age in the apartment next door. Always miserable, always bringing a new girl home every weekend that Daigo had to endure hearing fake horribly through his thin bedroom walls.

“I’ll try to be a bit quieter next time, Ito-san,” he mumbled. For her sake, not for that asshole Ouma.

“Or maybe you should stay in once in a while, hm?”

Daigo scowled, jerking his head and storming off toward the store. With any luck the old bag would have gone inside by the time he was back.

As he made his way down the street, he felt his phone buzz in his pocket. He went to answer but paused, clenching his fingers tight into his palm. Nope. He knew who it was, and what she wanted, and he didn’t care.

His supply run was basic. More noodles, packs of chips and cookies, some onigiri and bentos that could last a few days.

Whilst picking up a few bottles of Staminan and Tauriner, he stared blankly at the alcohol.

His hands still shook. There was such a quick fix to settle that.

He grabbed a six pack of beer and a bottle of scotch and vodka, unable to help a crooked little grin.

The cashier looked at him a little oddly as he set his basket down on the counter. And yeah, he’d admit he looked strange. Sweating and shaky from withdrawal, under his eyes dark and his brow pulled into a near permanent scowl, face otherwise obscured by the shadow of the hood.

“Get me some cigarettes too, huh?” he mumbled, taking out his wallet and avoiding eye contact.

He was a mess.

He stared at the glass case of baked goods, unable to resist the pull from his sweet tooth, and asked for two donuts as well.

He arrived back home rather pleased with his haul. He had enough in him to pack away most of it, before he stared down the booze he bought.

He could...not do this, actually. He could not drink. It was easy, in theory.

He wiped his damp brow, licked his dry lips. His head hurt, despite the slight gloom of the kitchen.

They could sit there as an ultimate temptation. He could ignore them. He could do all manner of things.

But he wanted to drink, that was the issue. That was the whole point. Drinking was the only thing he had that stayed consistent.

He grabbed the scotch and slugged back a long mouthful, feeling everything just melt away. He let out a relieved gasp, the taste strong on his tongue and warming his throat. Felt like a part of him was back. His mind became a little clearer, his mood a little more elevated. He took a shorter swig for luck, rubbing his mouth with the back of his hand.

“Much better…”

He spent the rest of the afternoon lounging on the sofa, playing video games. There wasn’t much else for him to do during the day.

Evening was his time.

When seven rolled around, Daigo got ready. His jeans and t-shirt were fine already, so all he had to do was put on his usual cross necklace to complete the outfit. He spent a while staring down himself in the mirror as he applied a shaky dash of eyeliner around his lid.

Once upon a time he shied away from doing this publicly, but since leaving jail he stopped caring. Wore eyeliner and straightened his hair. Painted his nails black and picked at the polish when he was anxious. Who gave a shit? Anyone dumb enough to say anything soon regretted it.

Keys, wallet, phone. Same routine. He chose his white puffer jacket to wear instead of his hoodie, enjoying the barrier it gave him from the rest of the world.

One quick metro ride later, he was in Kamurocho, just as the town was coming alive in a burst of neon. Daigo lost himself in the crowds, thinking of which bar to hit up first.

He paused for a moment down Tenkaichi Street, staring at the sign for Serena. Place was closed, and had been for a little under a year now.

He knew what happened last year, of course. Heard about Rina through another barkeep. Not that he’d known her well, or spent much time at Serena, but something in his chest ached hearing she was gone in such circumstances.

He soon forgot about it with another glass.

With a weary huff, he decided the Champion District on the other side of town was the best place to start. The bar he chose was quiet, no other customers, and a barman who knew when to keep his mouth shut.

Perfect.

Instead of conversation, Daigo focused on the soft jazz music playing as he nursed his whiskey. He was into heavier tunes, but he needed a bit more of a buzz before going to his favourite rock bar.

He tapped his nails against the glass, tilting his head. Good idea, actually. They did cheap shots and a big array of imports.

He slammed some cash down on the counter before stumbling into the street, glad to feel the slight evening chill on his cheeks.

Down to Pink Street, and into the rock bar he enjoyed. Already feeling at home with the heavy guitar music blasting over the speakers, most of the other patrons dressed in a similar style to him. He’d missed out on a lot of stuff whilst locked away, the slight sways in fashion that happened in such a short amount of time, but he liked knowing he was still on trend within his scene, mostly.

He sat at the counter, giving a half-grin to the girl working there, and ordered himself five shots of vodka.

His earlier drinks had been a warmup, these were the first leg of the race. The second came in the form of a large scotch, some new brand they’d started selling.

Honestly, the start to a perfect night for him, until he heard a small gasp from behind him.

“Hey! Aniki!”

Daigo’s heart sank at the voice, glancing over his shoulder. Five of the guys he usually hung around with were there – or more accurately, they hung around him.

He rolled his eyes and groaned, turning in his seat and glaring them down. He should never had shown them this place.

“What do you want?” he muttered, already knowing the answer.

“We didn’t know you were out today!” Arita cried, leaning up next to him, with that sycophantic look he always had in his eyes. As if Daigo wasn’t out every night.

“Why don’t you join us aniki?” Kubo asked, which actually translated to wanna pay for all our drinks because we’re cheap scrounging bastards?

Daigo groaned again, knocking back his glass and waving the bartender over again.

“If you quit calling me aniki.”

They didn’t, of course. They gleefully accepted the drinks he bought them with more coos of thank you Dojima-aniki. Daigo rubbed the bridge of his nose and ordered himself two double scotches, slugging them back like they were water.

“I was thinkin’ we could go to Dazzle after this,” Arita said, having not left Daigo’s side. He always babbled and talked too much, like he felt he had to fill every silence with his own voice save people be left alone with their own thoughts.

“Why there?” Daigo asked, thinking of all the things he’d rather do more than go to a hostess club, including and not limited to slamming his face into a lit stovetop and drowning in a hot tub.

“I just think the girls there are really underrated, y’know? I like that they have some slightly older gals, I love a mature lady. How about you?”

Daigo shoved a shard of ice from his glass into his mouth and let it melt on his tongue. “Come on then.”

He was paying for two hours and that was that. At least he could get a bottle for himself and work through that, sitting at the edge whilst the others enjoyed the girls’ company.

Dazzle might have specialised in more mature women, but the decor was a nightmare like every other hostess club. Why’d they always insist on so many sparkles, it gave him a headache.

“Um...are you enjoying yourself?”

Daigo lowered his gaze to look at the girl. ‘Mature’ really meant ‘late twenties’, and she was running on the younger side of that.

“What do you think?” he said coldly, swirling his drink in its glass.

She seemed a little dazed at this, glancing back at her fellow hostesses, but kept going.

“M-my name is Nashi. Yours?”

“Daigo Dojima.”

He clicked his tongue, emptied his glass and went to refill it, his shoulders slouching slightly. “Sorry. I don’t mean to be so short, you’re only doing your job.”

“Oh, it’s fine, I’ve had far worse responses.”

Daigo just gritted his teeth. Another reason he hated hostess clubs was he knew how other men treated these girls, saw it himself the times his father brought him along as a teen.

The least he could do was give this lady a nice conversation.

“Well, I’ll try to be a bit better than them,” he said, gesturing with his head towards the others, so loud and obnoxious.

Nashi smiled a little. “They’re not so bad. Your friends are just a bit...out there.”

He scoffed. “They’re not my friends. I don’t really...do friendship anymore.”

“Oh? How come?”

Shit. Of course, when you say something like that, people have questions. Daigo licked his lips in thought, considering how he should phrase this.

“You...don’t recognise my name, do you?”

Nashi blushed a little, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. “Um, well, you do have a bit of notoriety around town, Dojima-san. I know girls in other clubs, and they always talk about you.”

Daigo did a slight double take at this. “Wait, seriously?”

“Yeah. You’re a rather…” She gestured at his coat and skinny jeans. “A striking figure, you know. A lot of girls like the edgy emo bad boy look. It’s popular right now.”

“Hm, figures.” A lot of men are also fans…

Daigo sat up a little straighter, gazing Nashi down. “Do you?”

“H-huh?”

“Find me attractive?”

It was a joke, said with a dry smirk, but she flustered, clearly uneasy. Daigo grimaced, sliding up a little closer and putting a hand to her knee.

“Hey, hey. I’m kidding.” He made his smirk a soft smile, broke down the facade for just a moment to put her at ease. “Don’t worry about it.”

Nashi’s eyes went wide, but nodded, brushing down the edges of her dress.

“A-anyway, I...I’ve heard you...were involved with the Tojo Clan. Is that why you don’t ‘do’ friends?”

“Mm. Essentially.”

Daigo gave up on the glass, swigging back from the bottle which got him a funny look from one of the other patrons across the way.

“My only friend murdered my father,” he said, so matter of fact. He hesitated a moment, letting out a short huff. “Well. He went to jail for the crime, at least. He was actually covering for someone else. Either way, I was left without his guidance for ten years, thinking he had betrayed me like that.”

He paused a second, swilling whiskey around his mouth, before continuing.

“I came back to town a few months ago and...he hasn’t bothered trying to find me. Which shows how little he cares.”

“Oh. That sounds...awful, Dojima-san.”

“It sure does, doesn’t it?”

Daigo shrugged, tilting the empty bottle back so he could savour just a few more drops as best he could. “That’s just how my life is now.”

He grumbled a little as he set the bottle down, belching into his cupped hand before draping himself back against the seat.

“Sometimes you gotta deal with the hand you're given,” he added, scratching lazily at his middle, “And unfortunately, I’ve had a poor deck from the start.”

He shut his eyes before letting out a laugh, forced and hollow. “Sorry. I’m not the best at keeping things light.”

How many hostesses had he paid to listen to him whine? Then he thought how they were probably all used to it, which made it even worse.

“Well, given your circumstances…”

Nashi glanced back at her co-workers, the barely hidden looks of disdain towards the rest of the crew and their boorish behaviour.

“I’d much rather talk to you though,” she said, reaching over to grab another one of the bottles along the table, gesturing toward his glass, “You’re nice.”

Daigo swallowed, nodding in approval as she filled it to the brim. His head pounded, but he wasn’t sure if it was from the music or the cravings.

“If you say so.”

The glass was empty in a flash, and filled just as quick.

“You’re good at this,” he purred.

The bottle was empty by the time the waiter came by. Daigo had just enough mental capacity to dig through his pockets and pay, giving Nashi a shaky smile and a pat on the knee.

“Thank you for tonight. You’re great.”

His friends, on the other hand, all started to whine as the waiter began to urge them into finishing their drinks.

“Aw, c’mon aniki, let’s hang around a bit longer!”

“If you want that, pay yourself, ya cheap fucks.”

Daigo stood up, a bit too quickly as he felt the room spin. He stumbled to the side slightly, wincing as he contained a belch that very much tasted of vomit. Nope! No puking tonight. Keep it all inside.

“I’m outta here,” he mumbled, resting a hand on any available solid surface to keep himself steady as he left.

He blanked out the cries of the others as he did. He’d wasted enough time with them tonight, and he was craving something else.

“Burger,” he mumbled, squinting as he glanced up and down the street, “Pffft...that way.”

This was always the worst part of the night. Trying to sober up enough so he could keep going, or at the very least get home in one piece. Stumbling through the streets and trying not to crack his skull open.

It wasn’t just food he craved though. He felt...itchy. That was the only way to really explain it. The desire to go wild, start a scuffle. Really earn that reputation he supposedly had.

To hell with staying in one piece.

But first, Smile Burger.

The fact that the poor worker even understood what he said through his slurred words was impressive and soon he was curled up against the window, feet pulled up on the chair beside him as he made his way through a burger that tasted like the finest wagyu steak right now.

All the while, he kept his eye out.

Yeah, it felt shitty to target people for a fight like this, but he made sure it was a fair fight. Usually a few guys, who looked like they could take a hit as well as throw one, maybe even have a chance if they weren’t facing someone running on adrenaline and too much booze.

He cocked his head as he focused on a table nearby. Four men, mid-twenties, definitely young yakuza from some family. He couldn’t see any lapel pin from where he was sat, but they were perfect.

Childishly, he picked up one of his fries and threw it in their direction. It hit the back of one guy’s head, and he looked around puzzled. Daigo just threw another, chuckling as it hit him again. A bit too obvious, as he was spotted this time.

“What the hell’s wrong with you dude?” one of the four cried.

“I dunno,” Daigo said, stuffing a bunch of fries in his mouth before flinging another their way, “Target practise.”

This one hit a guy in a striking red sports jacket right between the eyes, and Daigo could barely contain the full-on cackle he let out at the expression he pulled. It was almost too easy.

He grinned when one came over and jabbed him in the chest.

“Outside. Now.”

“My pleasure.”

He followed them into a nearby side street, hands in his pockets and head held high. He liked an audience sometimes, but a private fight was fine enough.

The biggest one of them threw the first punch. He was expecting it, crossing his arms over in front of his face to block it, before kicking out at the guy’s ankles.

The whole fight was messy. The little gang clearly had never been in a proper fight, had no form. They kept punching poorly, wincing with any that managed to hit as they stung their knuckles.

Not that Daigo was any better. He was still far too drunk, but that was half the fun. Stumbling about and getting in a rough hit that frightened these kids who’d never experienced this before. He just wanted the thrill, the rush of adrenaline pumping through his veins. Anything to feel something.

Daigo landed a punch on that guy in the sports jacket, right in the middle of his face. It sent him flat on his ass, skidding down the street slightly.

“Come on!” he groaned, “Grab him, idiots! We outnumber him!”

A moment of pause. Daigo tried to catch his breath, but ol’ sports jacket was right. He was outnumbered.

Two of them grabbed his coat and pushed him back against the wall, holding him there. The third punched at his gut, over and over. Daigo gritted his teeth, tensed his stomach for every punch.

He knew he could get out of this, easily. The guys holding him were hardly doing much, weren’t even gripping his actual arms, just the sleeves of his jacket. It wouldn’t take much to duck and slip down, then send them crying home to their mommies.

“Come on!” he hissed, baring his teeth.

But he wanted them to hit him.

“That all you got?”

He wanted them to hurt him.

Sports jacket guy had gotten back on his feet now, face already starting to bruise. His fist met the middle of Daigo’s face hard, harder than they’d been hitting before. It stung, a lot, which is exactly what he wanted.

Not that it solved anything.

It never did.

“Oi!” They all froze, turning toward the entrance of the street. Daigo, semi-dazed, managed to look too, and felt his stomach drop.

Kashiwagi's expression, initially a scowl, changed the moment he saw him, shaking his head and blinking a little. “Daigo?”

He sighed heavily, storming over and waving his hand at the little gang. “Shoo. Don’t let me catch you boys doing shit like this again, you hear?” “Y-yes Patriarch Kashiwagi.”

They scurried off further down the street, leaving Daigo to stand up straighter, rubbing his nose. He groaned a little as he saw the streaks of rusty red on the back of his hand, sniffling heavily. “Great.”

“Daigo…”

Kashiwagi sighed again, rubbing at his temple. “What are you doing?” “I’m just...I’m just out.” Daigo sniffed again, scrunching his nose. “Just finished dinner.”

“You know what I mean…”

Kashiwagi looked around, then grabbed Daigo by the shoulder. “C’mon. Let’s talk in the office.”

Daigo went to argue, but it only took one stern glare, the kind the older man had given him his whole life, for him to clench his jaw and follow.

Kashiwagi led the way toward the Millennium Tower, hand on Daigo’s shoulder the whole way. It felt so patronising, like that time he accidentally broke a window at the Dojima Family offices when he was ten, and Kashiwagi had done the exact same gesture, marching him to his mother.

“Nice upgrade,” he still said, gazing out the wide window of Kashiwagi’s office once they arrived, “From that little place on Tenkaichi.”

“Well, we make do. I’m second in command now.” Kashiwagi set down the plastic convenience store bag he’d been carrying on his desk, letting out a small, bemused exhale of air. “It’s not all bad. Now come on. Why were you fighting?”

Daigo clicked his tongue and shrugged, staring at the blinking lights below them.

“Daigo…” “I just was, okay?”

He gave a dismissive shrug, walking across the floor toward a cabinet, throwing the doors open. Kashiwagi watched him with tired eyes, slumping down in his chair. “I think you’ve had enough to drink tonight.”

��How did you know that’s what I was looking for?”

“Your breath reeks of it, kid. Your whole body does.” He took out a bento and can of coffee from the plastic bag, raising a brow. “And I know what you’re like, especially lately. How’s being a free man by the way? Haven’t seen you since you were released.”

“It sucks ass.”

Daigo slammed the cabinet door shut, opening another and grinning as he saw half a bottle of whiskey there, as well as some crystal glasses. He heard Kashiwagi tut loudly as he slammed both down on top of the cabinet.

“What did you expect?” he scoffed, pouring a very large measure, “Mom told me the news the moment I got out. What Nishikiyama did. That it wasn’t Kiryu. He hasn’t even come to see me, to apologise for it.”

He knocked the glass back, the sensation warm and familiar down his throat. “Hardly feel free. Just not in jail anymore.”

“What happened to the boy I knew?” Kashiwagi asked, walking over and placing a hand on Daigo’s shoulder once more. This time it was gentle, kind, attempting to be comforting. Not Kashiwagi-san, one of his father’s men, but Uncle Osamu, his mother’s best friend.

Daigo scrunched his nose up, taking another slug of whiskey. “You say that like I’ve ever been cheery.”

“Well, okay, you’ve always been a serious young man, but…”

He just shook his head, moving his hand away. He grabbed the whiskey bottle in the process, making Daigo let out a pathetic little whine.

“I’m not going to enable you any more than I have,” he said firmly, before adding, “I mean it though. You don’t need to throw your life away like this.”

Daigo didn’t reply, because he didn’t like the real answer. There wasn’t much of a life to throw away. He was doing everyone a favour with this.

“You bring me up here just to lecture me old man?” he growled, narrowing his eyes.

Still looking for someone to fight. Kashiwagi would wipe the floor with him, he knew that, but he didn’t care. He also knew he wouldn’t get that kind of satisfaction.

Didn’t mean Kashiwagi wasn’t frustrated with his attitude. He closed his eyes, clenching his fists and let out a deep exhale from his nose. “I saw your mother today. She’s been trying to call you all morning.”

“I know.” The empty glass was set down heavily, with a grunt. Daigo dug around for his phone, holding it out so Kashiwagi could see the countless missed calls and texts from her on the home screen. “I know what today is.”

“...and is that why you’re-”

“You know I’m like this anyway.” He stared at the texts, all similar in tone - Daigo, please call me. Daigo, it’s important. Are you okay? He got them most days from his mother. She was trying so hard. He didn’t want her to. He would rather she forget about him. She deserved that much.

Kashiwagi wasn’t looking at him, staring up at the ceiling as he thought of what to say next.

“I understand that...none of us could have predicted the extent of what your father was like.”

Daigo did a double take, noticing Kashiwagi immediately cringe. At least he knew what he said was stupid.

“Sorry, that was-”

“Yeah. It was.” Daigo looked up, head cocked to his shoulder. “Anyone could have guessed, really. We just pretended otherwise, because somehow he seemed to be the only thing keeping the Tojo Clan from completely falling apart.”

He was up in Kashiwagi’s face now, feeling his chest clench tight. He was working himself up over nothing, over that bastard. He hated it, but thinking of what his father did to get himself killed, the kind of man he was, it made his skin crawl.

“He deserves to spend every birthday after what he did having the most miserable time in hell,” he said with a hiss, noticing his voice wobbling, “I know it. You know it. But Mom refuses to let go-”

The slap felt cathartic, for both of them. Daigo shut his eyes and nodded as his cheek stung. He deserved that. He was trying to provoke that kind of reaction and got exactly that.

“I take back what I said. That boy you were is still there. An insolent brat,” Kashiwagi said, walking back to his desk, “Daigo, one day, you’re going to have to grow up. You can’t keep doing this until you die.”

He threw a semi-sympathetic look over his shoulder, but Daigo mostly felt it was piteous. That’s what he was. A pitiful, useless mess.

“Go home, Daigo. Call your mother. And for everyone’s sake, don’t have anything else to drink tonight.”

Daigo sucked in through his teeth and nodded again as he walked toward the door.

“...good night, Kashiwagi-san.”

No response. Yup. I deserve this.

He made his way home in a daze, everything working in automatic. Kashiwagi’s words kept echoing in his head, over and over.

You can’t keep doing this until you die.

Because that’s what he was trying to do, wasn’t it? Die. Suicide by hedonism. He was born already holding the worst hand life could deal, and he was never going to get anything better. After his father was killed, the one tiny scrap of potential good he could have in his life was gone, even if that prospect was a life of crime.

So why not? Why should he grow up when there was nothing to grow up for?

The moment he was inside his apartment, he slid down the door, staring blankly ahead. He’d needed that talking to, he needed a few really, from people who were currently pretending like he didn’t exist. That’s what he really needed. For Kiryu to talk to him, apologise for ruining his life, try and talk some sense into him. He always knew what to do.

But it was like he didn’t exist. Kiryu didn’t care. Kashiwagi tried to care, but knew he was a lost cause. Who did care?

Daigo opened up his phone again, staring at the missed calls and sighed. That’s who cared. Mom.

He should talk to her. He knew he should. He was an awful son who loved his mother very much, which is why he knew she deserved better. She was trying despite knowing she’d made mistakes, but he just couldn’t let that go.

He hovered on her number, ready to press the button to call...but instead he tossed his phone to land on the couch, walked to the kitchen and wrapped his fingers around the neck of the vodka bottle still on the counter.

He licked his lips, swallowed heavily...but let go, pushing it away.

“You win this time old man,” he grumbled, picking up an energy drink and the donuts he’d bought earlier in the day instead. Kashiwagi could never be allowed to know that though.

He knew this self-control wouldn’t last long. Come morning, he’d be shaking again, a hangover banging in his skull, and he’d be dragging himself towards that bottle like it was the source of life.

The same thing every day.

He wouldn’t have it any other way.

He couldn’t have it any other way.

BORROWED TIME (2/2)

pairing: JJ Maybank x Girlfriend!Reader

summary: JJ’s girlfriend tells him she loves him, and it’s the one thing he’s not ready to hear.

word count: 3.6k

warning: negative self-image on jj’s part; implications of anxiety issues and trauma from his upbringing

additional: based on i love you by billie eilish as if the song were from jj’s perspective. angst galore; the reader’s perspective.

masterlist

tag list

written for an anon

part one

Droplets of rain fall on the window of your car, loud and intrusive. Pop music’s playing on the radio in the background. You hear cars in the distance, too – people are coming home from work. A plane is overhead, too, and it should be deafening.

  All of this should be enough to silence your thoughts, but it isn’t.

  i should’ve said something else.

  anything.

  Your nose is runny and you sniff until it isn’t. Your hands move from the steering wheel and turn the radio knob to the right, until the sound is a little louder than the rain outside.

  The irony of the rain accompanying the emotions inside you feels a little too poetic, and it makes you chuckle. Chuckle, with a tear sliding down one of your cheeks, and another sniffle.

  ‘you’re an idiot, jj.’

  Your hands grip the steering wheel and you clench your teeth, suppressing the yell that’s aching to come out of you. It hurts; the skin on your knuckles pales until you can no longer hold it, and when you look at the insides of your palms, they’re red.

  A sob passes your lips next. Your cheeks are hurting and you feel sick in your stomach.

  ‘i think you’ve said enough.’

  You don’t punch the steering wheel because it would blare the horn and you can’t alert your family that shit’s hit the fan. You hold the back of your hand to your mouth instead and let out a wail, feeling yourself breaking.

  It’s been three days. A million scenarios ran through your mind, a million different things you could’ve said, a million different explanations for the way your boyfriend acted, but none of them have been good enough.

  None of them mattered.

  it’s okay, you wish you would’ve said. i understand this might be hard for you, but let me help—

  no.

  It wouldn’t have worked. You don’t understand – that was the whole point.  It was sudden and unexpected and flippantly unlike JJ that you were caught off guard, he was caught off guard, and the only thing you know you should’ve said is you’re not your father.

  The rain pours over you when you get out of the driver’s seat. You think about using the hood of your coat, but leave it down, instead. Partly because you know the redness and blotchiness of your face will make a little more sense that way.

  Partly because it feels like you deserve bone-chilling drops of rain to soak you.

  ‘you’re an idiot, jj.’

  You grit your teeth as you stand in front of your main door with your hand on the knob. You breathe in, breathe out, over and over again until the world feels a little less hectic.

  When you enter, you do so with a half-cheerful smile and complain about the rain as you kiss each of your parents on the cheek. Your dad’s halfway through making dinner and your mom has a pen in her hand and papers in front of her, and neither of them are curious about the state of you.

  ‘I’ll be in my room,’ you tell them. Your voice is a little shaky, a little jittery, but it can all be from the rain. ‘When dinner’s ready, just knock, please. I need to focus.’

  don’t enter because i might be falling apart.

  They don’t ask questions because they know you. If you wanted them to know, you would tell them. Your dad promises to come fetch you and your chest stings.

  They have so much trust in you.

  why can’t jj?

  Your room is a little cold when you enter so you wrap yourself into a blanket, as much for warmth as it is for comfort. The book that’s open on your text is the same textbook you’ve been trying to push through ever since the night of the argument.

  It’s an instinct, to look over at your bed and hope to find JJ there.

  He isn’t.

  The textbook offers enough monotony for you to get lost into. The repeated Latin phrases and names related to human body takes over the image of a blond boy in your mind, even if most of the information is passing through.

  It’s a mantra, almost. Your fingers play with the right upper corner of each page, flipping it faster than you’d expect from yourself. The notebook at its side is filling up, slowly but surely, and the rhythm brings you into a life where all you can think is ossa manus and carpus and phalanx i and ii and iii.

  i don’t have time for meaningless arguments, you think, and turn another page.

  You dine with your parents and you’re quiet, but it’s studying that you give as an excuse. It’s important, it’s exam time, and you’ve got to perform your best.

  They don’t ask about the noticeable emptiness of the chair next to you, for the first time in weeks.

  Back in your room, you throw yourself into that textbook and spread all your notes over your bed, bringing your laptop along. The playlist is the same one that played during the argument because it’s your study playlist, and you’re not going to let anything take that away from you.

  But it’s the bed, and when you lay on the side usually occupied by him, it smells faintly of sea and salt and woods.

  It’s enough to make you catch a sob in your throat.

  Moments later, your finger hovers over the send button next to a very short message: are you okay? There are no tears on your face, because you are so worn out from the last three days that you just can’t do this anymore.

  That isn’t the button you press – you delete the letters, instead, and turn off your phone.

  You sigh. Your chest feels heavy and your eyes are burning, but you open up that damned textbook and force yourself to memorise the Latin names until that’s all your thoughts consist of.

  In the back of your mind, you still see his face. You still wonder how he’s doing. You still want to check up with his friends. You still want to see him.

  You still want to cry and curl up in a ball and lie in your bed until you don’t hate every bit of that fucking conversation.

  But you don’t.

  You end up lying in your bed with the comforter to your chin as your arm is wrapped around a pillow. The air is humid, as it’s nearing the summer months, and you feel sweat poking out of your pores; hairs stick to your face. You know you should get rid of the comforter, or turn on the AC.

  It reminds you of him. You’d always get too warm and sweaty when sleeping by his side, and it’s something you’d always complained. He never does, and it’s only now that you noticed how cold and empty your bed is without him, that you want the very thing you wanted to get rid of.

  You still don’t cry. You need sleep and you close your eyes, try to push your mind away, but sleep doesn’t come.

  Maybe that’s why you’re alert enough to hear the hum of a bike that you shouldn’t recognise, but you do. It’s right outside your house and it’s a deep, guttural sound until it disappears.

  For a moment, you’re lying in bed, frozen.

  You wait.

  No other sounds come, so you get out of your bed with only your tank top and pyjama shorts on. Your feet are warm against the cold floorboards and it’s sharp and unexpected enough to bring you into the reality, just as you look out of your window.

  It’s not raining anymore, but there are puddles all around the driveway, looking like tiny holes in the pavement. He’s in the very middle of them, leaning against his bike, one hand in the other. His head is bowed, hair messy and untamed even more so than you’re used to, and the pale yellow streetlight gives his denim jacket a greenish hue.

  He doesn’t look up, but a breath hitches in your throat, anyway.

  ‘i think you should go.’

  You are quiet as you walk through your house, out of the front door. It’s a chilly night so you put on a raincoat, just in case – you must look ridiculous.

  Then again, thinking about the way you look in a situation like this one is ridiculous in itself.

  He doesn’t see you approaching, not at first. You see him tap his boots against one of the puddles, watching the ripples in the water. He fiddles with his fingers, tugging on them and cracking his knuckles one by one – a habit you’ve picked up from him.

  JJ’s head moves slowly, as if the decision to do so is one of great importance, and his gaze turns towards your room.

  You left a light on. It wasn’t on purpose, but you see his posture go a little rigid, a little unlike anything you’ve seen from him before.

  He doesn’t hear your footsteps until you’re merely a few feet away from him.

  Your eyes lock.

  It’s odd, you think, how you can look at a person for less than half a heartbeat and know everything they’re going through. The streetlight is behind JJ and you can’t even see his face, but you just know.

  You don’t step any closer. He doesn’t move; he looks as if he’s seen a ghost.

  A thought crosses your mind: maybe he didn’t want to talk to me.

  Your throat is dry when you swallow. The air outside is chilly even in your raincoat, so you rub your upper arms, almost as if shielding yourself. (Maybe deep down, you are.)

  His Adam’s apple moves up then down, slowly. His gaze falls to his feet and he shakes his head, still playing with his fingers, sighing audibly before bringing his gaze to meet yours again.

  ‘you’re an idiot, jj, if you think i'd be in love with someone—’

  It hurts.

  You wish to see his face, and only for a fleeting moment, you’re terrified of what you’d see.

  ‘i guess i’m the idiot, then.’

  The moment doesn’t seem to come to an end; an owl hoots in the distance. Cicadas are the only other thing you can hear.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ says JJ. ‘I know you want nothing do to with me and that’s fine, but I just needed – I needed—’

  ‘You needed what, JJ?’

  It’s cruel. It’s nothing you should be doing. It’s exactly the opposite you’ve been telling yourself you’d do and it’s eating you from the inside, but you press your lips tight together as you stare at the boy in front of you, waiting for the answer.

  He’s still in the dark, but you see his expression harden. When he speaks next, it’s as quiet as if he were speaking to himself only.

  ‘You.’ JJ’s voice breaks and his head hangs low. ‘I needed you.’

  All the walls you’ve put up break and your heart’s all out in the open. Minutes later, the two of you are in the kitchen, as JJ has been drinking and you just… well, you just want some fucking tea.

  He sits in his usual spot with his fingers wrapped around a mug of freshly brewed coffee. He doesn’t talk, or twitch, or fiddle – he’s quiet to the point of being unnoticeable, which is the one thing JJ has never been around you. You move around the kitchen quietly, too, as you would rather not involve your parents in this whole thing.

  You make him a sandwich, too, the way he likes it, and he follows you into your room without a word.

  He doesn’t eat until you tell him to, and he doesn’t drink his coffee until you tell him to. It’s as if he needs someone to tell him how to function – and that’s the realisation that breaks even the thickest of walls.

  It’s an odd sight, JJ in your chair while you’re on the bed. He finishes his sandwich without so much as a sound and the coffee, too, and you watch him.

  Now, under the light of your shitty lamp that you’ve had since you were a kid, he looks like a different person from the one you saw on your driveway. His face is pale but blotchy, with the darkness underneath his eyes spread to nearly the whole area. His hair, while usually a mess, looks greasy and unkempt and weak. His fingers are restless, constantly shaking and trembling, and he keeps parting his lips and them pushing them together.

  JJ’s never been able to sit still, but now it’s as if he’s not even able to exist still.

  He looks at the papers scattered over your bedroom floor. ‘You’ve been studying.’

  It’s a statement with so much hope and pride in it that you’re taken aback; you nod, even if it’s a lie.

  You don’t think he’d do well knowing that thinking about what happened has been taking up too much of your brainpower. Studying has been on the back burner.

  JJ nods, to himself. ‘That’s good. I’m glad.’

  The words sound truthful and you sigh, feeling the unease between your shoulder blades. ‘You know I don’t like talking to you when you’ve been drinking.’

  ‘I couldn’t—’ he stops himself, shakes his head, runs fingers through his hair. He doesn’t look at you. ‘I needed it. I was going to crash at the Chateau, but they all had so many questions, and I just couldn’t stand it, so I went home and—’

  ‘You went home?’ you ask. ‘To your dad.’

  ‘Wasn’t that bad.’ He fiddles with his bracelet—a nervous tick—before he half-grins. ‘It was fine.’

  ‘Did he hurt you?’

  JJ shakes his head, but you don’t know if you should believe it.

  You lean your head against the wall. Your hands fall beside you and you feel your chest heaving as you pull your knees closer, looking at him. It hurts to see him making himself small in the space that not too long ago belonged to him as much as it does to you. He’s sitting on the chair, with his legs bouncing, leaning his back against the table.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ you say, for letting you do this to yourself.

  But you’re not in charge of him.

  It still doesn’t feel right.

  JJ laughs, only it’s more of a ha, dry and empty and soulless. You want to put his hair together, to take his hand into yours like you always do when he’s not all there, you want to press a kiss against his forehead the way you know he likes but would never admit.

  But he needs space. He needs to figure his shit out, so you wrap your arms around your knees instead.

  He takes a breath, slow and deep, and he doesn’t look at you when he speaks. ‘No one has ever… Nobody said those words to me. All I’ve had was having to watch people I care about give up on me.’

  JJ’s voice is soft and vulnerable – the only time you’ve heard him sound like this was the night of the argument, when he said ‘you didn’t mean it’.

  You take in his hunched shoulders, his withered frame. There’s so many things you want to say, yet none of them feel right. They’d bring more bad than good, or so it feels, so you bite your lip instead and wait for him to continue as the only sound in the room is your laptop overheating.

  ‘I didn’t mean to make you cry,’ he tells you.

  it’s okay almost passes your lips but it doesn’t, because it isn’t.

  His finger traces shapes on the back of your chair. ‘It would’ve been easier if you said nothing. I keep thinking… I keep thinking of the day you’re going to do what everybody else has. Leave. Give up on me. Whatever.’ He brushes it off as if it were nothing, with the classic JJ grin in the corner of his lip, but it falls when he doesn’t see it reciprocated in your expression. ‘That’s how my brain works. And you saying…that, it’s better if you didn’t mean it.’

  ‘Why?’ you ask. ‘Why is it better?’

  You watch his fingers continue to draw circles on the wood, only now they’re shaking. He’s barely keeping himself together, and your breathing isn’t even, either.

  He still hasn’t looked you in the eyes. ‘Because,’ he murmurs, ‘it will hurt less when you give up.’

  the higher you fly the deeper you fall. It’s something he’s said countless times, only you never realised how important the phrase is for him.

  You want to reach out, to touch him, but you can’t.

  or maybe—

  Your nose itches and you rub it with the back of your palm, sniffling. Whatever the blurriness in your eyes is, you blink it away. ‘It’s not true, JJ. I’m not— I could never—’ leave you, you want to say, give up on you.

  But there are some promises you can’t make. Life’s unpredictable and people change. You can’t promise to love someone forever, but you can promise to love them for as long as you can.

  You move on your bed until you’re on its very edge, your legs so close to his that you can feel the heat radiating off of him.

  ‘You can’t live in the future, JJ. You can’t keep being afraid of what could happen.’ You reach out, unable to fight the impulse, and you feel your heart breathe out when your palm is spread over his forearm, somehow making you realise that JJ’s really here. ‘I’m here. I’m not giving up on you, as long as I don’t have to.’

  ‘What if you do?’ JJ finally looks at you and his eyes are so broken that you feel as if you can’t breathe. ‘What if I just keep hurting you, because I can’t feel the way you want me to?’

  Your thumb rubs circles into his forearm as you shake your head. ‘I don’t want you to feel any way that you don’t feel. All I want is that you know how I feel.’

  ‘You really meant it?’

  ‘I did.’ You trace the vein on his hands until the beginning of his palm, where you take his hand into yours. The touch is soothing and familiar and your body relaxes into it; you feel his do the same. ‘I’m okay with you not feeling the same. But you’re not’—you swallow and it hurts—‘a burden to me, JJ, and you will never be.’

  The moment his thumb traces over the back of your palm and his forehead leans until yours is pressed against it, you know him. You know how he feels even if he isn’t saying it – you understand why he reacted the way he did.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ you whisper, ‘for pushing you away.’

  He chuckles. It’s quiet and barely there. ‘It’s okay. I needed it. I needed time to think, to figure shit out.’

  ‘Did you?’

  ‘Did I what?’

  ‘Figure shit out?’

  JJ hesitates for a moment. ‘Yeah,’ he says. You feel his breath hot against your lips, and he smells like alcohol and coffee and the sandwich you made him, but there’s a hint of the sea and salt and woods, too. ‘I think I did.’

  You nod, put a hand on his cheek. ‘Am I allowed to say it again?’

  There’s no question as to what you’re referring to. His cheek is hot against your skin but your hand know where it fits, how it fits, and it feels like home. You can’t believe you’ve ever doubted him.

  ‘Yeah.’ He covers your hand with his own. ‘I need to trust you.’

  ‘Do you think you can do that?’ you ask, and it’s a genuine question, even if your eyes are closed and the only thing you can think about is your skin against his. ‘It’s okay if you need time. I’ll give you all the time you need.’

  ‘Y/N?’

  ‘Yeah?’

  ‘I never should have doubted you,’ he says, quietly.

  You kiss him. His lips are salty, or maybe it’s yours, but they’re soft and familiar and they move with yours like water moves with sand. Moment later, one of you or maybe both are crying softly, arms wrapped around each other.

  You lay in bed with him that night, feeling his hand on your side, bodies pressed together, face buried in the back of your neck. He places kisses over every inch of your skin exposed to him and it almost feels as if nothing has ever happened – almost.

  When you turn to him, when you look into his eyes, there’s something other than adoration within them, even he isn’t ready to admit it.

  You lay a kiss to his lips, chaste and soft. Your fingers caress his cheek. ‘Nothing has to change today,’ you tell him. ‘I didn’t mean to say what I did, but it came out because it’s true. And I hope you know that.’

  JJ nods. His fingers are now tracing shapes underneath the back of your shirt, on your bare skin, as they always would before you’d fall asleep.

  ‘I know,’ he tells you.

  You smile, because he’s smiling, too, and god, you’ve missed it. ‘Okay.’

  Later, right as both of you drift into sleep at nearly morning, you tell him you love him, again. JJ doesn’t freak out – he nuzzles into you instead, holding you close, as if he’ll never let you go, never let any of his worst fears that almost drove him away from you come true.

  You’d be alright with that.

  ★

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