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#can a cat and a crab really be in love

weaselmcdiesel · 2 months

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complementary post with my last upload lol <3 I’m too impatient to wait another day to upload XD

#homestuck #my art #nepeta #nepeta leijon #karkat #karkat vantas #katnep #karnep #how can a ship so bad in canon be so scrumptious to me <3 #can a cat and a crab really be in love

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carionto · 8 months

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Humans really like space wildlife

As Humanity integrates itself within the Galactic Coalition ever further, trade and travel between Sol and neighboring member systems is growing at exponential rates. In particular, their interest in the native wildlife of other planets is the most widely expanding sector for tourism and commerce.

Even though it is also the most heavily regulated and restricted one, Humans, who typically display a desire to subvert the normal procedures to expedite any process they can, for this they are surprisingly willing and eager to fill in all the necessary paperwork and spend hours upon days making sure they follow and adhere to all the requirements to import some of these creatures.

While such level of determination is not uncommon for new member species who discover a certain non-native creature or something that to the respective natives is commonplace but for them is the pinnacle of exotic, the variety of requests made by Humans is nearly as great as the entire list of known fauna species. And the reasons listed on the forms are even more diverse:

"That's a unicorn! I've always dreamed of having a unicorn and you're telling me there's a dozen subspecies?! Yes, please!!!"

"After reviewing their behavior, this bear-sized fluff-ball is the perfect cat I've always wanted, but couldn't because of allergies. I'll treat them with love and care, my life is incomplete without this fella."

"Tiny. Elephant-duck. Want."

"Our company was looking for a mascot, and these six-legged spindly beaver-crabs are perfect. Here's our mission statement and prepared accommodations for a flock."

"They all said I hallucinated the lizard sasquatch when I was on that acid trip, but now I'll show 'em. It's real. I knew it all along!"

"Aww, these baby puppies are so adorable (referring to the four meter, 800kg Fanged Widowmaker of Abyss Valley predator). My kids were looking through your alien picture books and instantly fell in love with these ones."

And so on. At first we had to reject quite a few, mainly because half of them were deadly beasts from Deathworlds that are almost impossible to capture in the first place. Then the Human officials informed us that, while they will try to stop it from happening, if we don't make importing and adopting even the most dangerous animals in the known Galaxy reasonably possible for them with Human help and expertise in the field, some Humans will set up illegal smuggling rings to "fill the market gap" as they said. Historically, they explained, that causes more problems and expenses than just handling it through official channels.

Reluctantly we were persuaded and have set up a new organization to quell this, apparently, unquenchable Human pack bonding condition. Even if said pet can kill them. We think, as horrible as it may be, that for some that is part of the appeal. Even the ones that breathe out literal poison.

"We'll wear a mask around them. This wendigo-like one is too cute to not get belly rubs."

Said the OFFICIAL Human Representative of a monstrosity that can only be described as the living incarnation of countless teeth, fangs, claws, vivid seizure inducing iridescent feathers, and a body that extends from a inconspicuous ambush pose to a fully 8 meter tall six limbed nightmare machine of Death!

#humans are space orcs #humanity fuck yeah #humans are deathworlders #humans are space australians #humans are space oddities #carionto #aliens are cute #pet the predator

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milkywayhou · 4 months

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Ok image a situation where you were on the balcony watering your plants and suddenly you hear a soft thump beside you. And what do you see?

König: Ma'am this isn't what it looks like...

CHOSE YOUR ACTION!

[Banshee Scream] - Risk angering the neighbours

[Water Can Throw] - Waste a perfectly good watering can

[Interro-Got 'Em] - Have a 50% percent chance of making a joke while questioning

[Side Crab Pinch] - Cribbity crabbity, let me introduce you to gravity!

I LOVE THIS KIND OF QUESTION!! THANK YOU FOR ASKING ME HAHAHAH

For me personally, I probably end up do Banshee Scream. I don't really care if my neighbors getting annoyed by it! Because let's be real, If someone so big as König climb the wall of my house, I probably end up having a heart attack LOL.

Also you know what? This scenario really related for me! Consider that I lived right next to an alley and my mother do have plants on our balcony. Sometimes she asked me to watering them all

Here exactly how the things will be going. Probably

Yes, I always scream for my mother if I see something weird shit happens

Also I make another version used Snow if something like this happens to her

Snow probably will do Side Crab Pinch but realize that it's probably to risky for her. So she went with Interrogation instead.

How to start a friendships with a cat lovers:

Give compliment to their cat 👍

#könig cod #konig mw2 #doodle #konig call of duty #könig #könig x reader #self insert #könig x oc #cod x oc #cod oc art #cod oc

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justgowithitplease · 5 months

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Jason Todd, Dick Grayson, and Tim Drake HCs!!

Dick Grayson:

When I tell you this man would not leave you alone while drunk....

One glass of whiskey and he's fine

Two glasses? You will be stuck to him for the next hour or so

When in public he always has his Arms around your waist, shoulders, hips,

really anything that qualifies as being able to hug you in public without it seeming too weird

expect random wing-dings (his version of the batarang) stuck in the wall next to the bedroom light switch

He's too lazy to get up from cuddling you so he uses his horrible wonderful ranged weapon skills to shut the lights off

Has definitely tazed himself in the balls at least 10 times

Cannot spell 'indubitably' for the life of him, Too many vowels

Failed history as a child and now has a vendetta against George Washington

Spells the British way on 'accident' (totally not to spite George Washington)

Has definitely snorted an entire pixie stick for a quarter

Y'know that scene in ELF where buddy's in the shower and he's to tall for it? That's him

Has accidentally braked his motorcycle too hard and flipped

Corner of the mouth kisses are a must

Would rather stay in than go out for date night

Why get dressed up in uncomfortable clothes and pay for overpriced food when he could cook some reasonably priced and tasting food and wear sweatpants and a hoodie

Has made it a rule that there will be no children in the house

Made this rule purely against Damian

Also has a rule against pets

Which is why he complained for, like, three days after you got your cat, Bacon (see another fic!!)

About a week after, he had fixed his sleeping position so the cat wouldn't be crushed if it slept between you two

Speaking of which, if that man falls asleep, he will not move

Man sleeps like a stack of bricks on leveled concrete

A bit sensitive about his scars, but has learned to love them

Has an allergy to kiwi

Gets flashbacks frequently, and you're one of the only things that can get him to calm down

This man is more whipped than the cream on top of pumpkin pie

DnD and MtG nerd

made a pure crab deck based on the three-card landfall and got smacked by Damian

No other option

Poor sleep deprived man has drunken soy sauce instead of his coffee while trying to cook for you

Has alligator rolled in his sleep then gotten up, just to trip and hit his head

Hates thick sweaters

This man absolutely refuses to fall asleep if you're not home (not like he's gonna sleep anyways)

Secretly loves telanovelas

Speaks Spanish, Dutch, Russian, and Arabic

Wanted to be an astronaut when he was a kid

has slide-on slippers, cannot handle the ones that go around his heel

The only blankets on his bed are weighted blankets

All the covers are purple or taupe

Has a state information book he reads on road trips

Dresses like Eddy Burback/Ted Nivison or Mr. Rogers in his civilian life

No inbetween

#dick grayson x reader #jason todd x reader #tim drake x reader #batfam x reader #jason todd #tim drake headcanon #dick grayson

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akutasoda · 2 months

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Ooooo request are open okay!!

I don’t think anyone has touch on this yet but I would like if you could have a playful fight between Dazai and y/n over his canned crab because of that one wan chapter of Dazai refusing to share his canned crab with anyone else.

And it’ll just be the two giggling and stuff as Dazai tackled Y/N. I think it be very cute 🥰

You can decide on the ending I’m not too picky~ all I ask is for a tackle fight with Dazai over canned crab LMAO

a can of crab and laughter

synopsis - amongst a play fight, he realises just how much he loves you

includes - dazai

warnings - gn!reader, fluff, maybe ooc?, play fighting, wc - 521

you loved dazai really. no matter how much he could annoy you sometimes. of course, going into a relationship with him you were very much aware that he wasn't exactly the type of person to look after himself properly and so it didn't surprise you that the majority of his meals revolved around cans or shop bought meals.

you also knew a personal favourite of his was canned crab - so much so you were convinced he funded the entire canned crab industry in yokohama. you might like it or you may not, but sometimes you wished he ate something more substantial and proper but you knew that would be a difficult battle with him. so you had decided that maybe you could convince him to share his crab with you.

your plan was to get him to share so you could offer him some of your food but he seemed to catch on pretty quickly. now you were practically demanding the can of him as he looked at you like a feisty cat, clutching the can in his hands and trying to shield it from you. this was the slightly annoying behaviour that made you question why you ever went out with him.

you stared at him and he merely stared back. a mischievous grin working its way onto his mouth when you told him that if he didn't hand it over, you'd take it. a simple 'try me' was all that left his mouth before you lauched yourself at him reaching for the can in his hand.

this caught him slightly off guard as you did infact manage the successfully pry the canned crab out of his hands. you held it up in triumph but before you could properly bask in your victory, dazai charged back at you. his arms wrapped around your middle and he swiftly took you down along with himself and tried pinning you to the floor. you squirmed underneath as you held onto the canned crab and tried moving it away from his reach.

you tried your hardest to keep the canned crab out of his reach. swatting his arms away and even attempting to roll away and stand up but you began holding back your laughter which made ot very difficult to focus.

everytime you tried getting away, he just pulled you right back and it made you want to laugh at how childish the situation was. dazai was feeling the same. what had started as an initial silly fight over his canned crab had now turned into a full on play fight.

and as soon as you finally let your laughter and giggling loose, dazai really couldn't hold back the massive smile that spread across his face - soon being followed by his own giggling. you two soon stopped trying to grab at eachother and tackle the other as the giggles became too much.

dazai rolled onto the floor beside you as he started laughing alongside you. through his laughter he could only look back at you and smile even more. this was one of the moments that made you never second guess dating him.

#x reader #x gender neutral reader #bsd x reader #bsd x gender neutral reader #bungo stray dogs x reader #bungo stray dogs x you #bsd x you #bsd dazai osamu #dazai x reader #dazai x you

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jymwahuwu · 1 year

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Hii! Ok so, how would Tighnari and Cyno react to darling being depressed? And I mean, she was depressed before, but now its worse.

How would they react to see darling in a state where she cant get hernself to eat, and struggles to even brush her teeth?

What would they do to make her feel better?

Also, ik Tighnari wats a BIG family, but, would he really risk darling's depression get even worse by getting her pregant? (After pregancy or during the pregancy, a lot of women end up suffering from depression)

Also, just imagine them react to her having a very bad estime asswell witch lead to the first state of depression before abduction (after abduction it got worse) bc of the toxic people she has been surrounded, and cannot bring hernself to look in the mirror?

Ok, idk if ur gonna accept to do this, but I was just trying to make mynself relate to the reader 😅

Anyways, thank you for reading my request and if u dont want to do it, its fine, dw! (Again, excuse my bad english)

TW: yandere, kidnapping, mentioned pregnancy, depressed reader

Tighnari and Cyno see you sinking so depressed that they start looking for any way to make you feel better. This isn't the first time they've comforted the family, and Collei has given them a little experience.

You chew the bread a few times, letting out soft whimpers and sniffles occasionally, and then burst into tears, tears falling into the bread, the salty taste melting on your tongue. They think you're rebellious and tell you to finish your meals in a firmer tone.

"I-I can't." You said.

Cyno: "What? Why? It's just a piece of bread, listen to me, take a few bites."

Tighnari: "Are you sure you don't want that bit of nutrition? Eat it, don't make me say it again."

You are so powerless in your current situation that you suspect this is your punishment - why did the Forest Rangers/General Mahamatra lock you up? Why is he acting like he loves you? Love is locking that person up against their will?

They didn't investigate your mental health before this. This is really unexpected. Poor thing, you can't even do simple things like dressing yourself and brushing your teeth by yourself now. They'll do this for you and even shower you. It's kind of satisfying and guilt-ridden for them - you're like a little pigeon eating in their hands. It would be too cruel to put you in a cage like this.

They bring you any gift you want, almost allow you to get anything you can buy with mora, bring you Fontaine's popular magazine, Inazuma's light novel. They read you some funny joke or content. You can even go out as much as you want! As long as you end up returning within a day, they won't ask you to explain or capture you.

They can't be there for you 24/7. In their absence, they are viscerally uncomfortable at the thought that you might sob. So! They allow you to have some pets, what do you want? cat? dog? bird? little sheep? fish? Crystalflies? Tighnari will teach you how to take care of them. He brought Karkata over here. Sometimes you will see that adorable mechanical crab make coffee and cover you with quilts! Cyno, studies methods with you. He will call himself dad and the pets are the kids.

As for getting pregnant…if they find out you're in this state, they won't even try. Even if there is no big family to leave a little regret, but it's okay. Love is the most important thing in the family. They have to take care of you.

#alani.answers #yandere cyno #yandere tighnari #cyno x you #yandere tighnari x reader #cyno x reader #yandere genshin impact #genshin tighnari x reader #genshin impact smut #genshin impact x reader #yandere genshin impact x reader #genshin x reader

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civetfish · 4 days

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Was gonna wait to post this outside of ko-fi until I posted the corresponding part of my fic BUT since that's on hold for a hot second I might as well do it now!

So much yapping under the cut because I can't help myself lol (Mostly just a stream of consciousness, so its kind of a word salad)

I like to think that colors can change in brightness, mix with others, and appear in certain areas/patterns to give a bit of complexity to the use of colors for communication.

Top left is pretty straightforward- yellow is fear. It's the full body "puffed up cat" kind of fear where it's the ony emotion being processed. A lingering anxiousness would be shown more like a general yellow centered around the chest, while the rest of their body remains the same color. Feelings like a slight nervousness (Like handling a delicate object with big crab-claws, for example) would be shown through a "rippling" wave of yellow overtop of whatever colors are already present, originating from the chest or hands. ((link) this is pretty close to what I imagine (If the link doesn't work, skip to about 2:10) Spooky ocean warning! though if you're seeing this post in the first place I assume you're probably fine with it )

Green is analytical - He does this a few times in-game, and it's what makes the most sense to me. I also like to think it's the reasoning behind a lot of the Architect's... well, architecture. Green is a really predominant color in all of the architect structures / data hubs / machines / etc., so in cultural sense it would make sense for the Architects to be using the color representing their core values. The light blue around his sides is amusement/joy. (I put a little bit of this into my first chapter iirc) This is also based pretty closely to what we see in-game. (I.e. the little wave he does back at Robin, it's silly and playful and I love it sm)

The gray/dull tones (bottom left) are just that- the "muting/dulling" of whatever color it's applied to. The Architect who kind of killed his entire species is a little depressed if you can believe it! A muted blue (indigo, rather than light blue) would be melancholy, and the yellow tint in there is stress/dread. A completely dim gray Architect is basically completely numb, which is distinct from the typical "resting color" that Architects have when not feeling any emotion in particular at a given moment.

Dark blue (Or indigo, bottom right) is sadness. It could also be read as a sense of longing or wistfulnes, or a lot of other nuanced feelings depending on other colors or context clues.

And of course magenta (bottom middle) and that coral-ish color are love, more or less. It's a sense of fondness and deep affection, though Al-an himself is probably under the impression it's more like a loyalty and protectiveness; I don't think he has any real experience with love considering what we know about the network.

The coral color in the center of his chest is something I'll dive into more when I get that chapter out, but I think of it as a flush/heat, like an Architect blush. Orange is added to colors to increase the intensity of the emotion underneath, such as the inclusion with magenta to mean flustered or to red to mean a more heated rage. An embarassed architect would be fully orange, possibly leaning a bit towards pink, red or yellow depending on the specific situation.

For an "emotionless peak of innovation and efficiency" I am determined to shove SO many feelings into this shrimp horse. This stream of word spaghetti will eventually get rewritten into a basic color code.

#whoops that was about 400 more words than i intended it to be #This is why I have a side blog for this lmao #His metal plate patterns are my least favorite thing to do. Al-an ily but I'm so particular and you have SO much detail #subnautica below zero #al-an #subnautica below 0 #alan subnautica #robin ayou #al an subnautica #sbz #robin subnautica #civet's art stuff

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gothamslostboy · 7 months

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Can i request bones characters and their pets headcannons?

OMG YES OF COURSE YOU CAN

Brennen

She’s against pets in general but if she had to pick one she’d choose a monkey

But after researching it and realizing she doesn’t have the adequate amount of time to care for one she lets booth get a dog

Has to be one that’s known for its intelligence tho

Booth

A dog man through and through

Specifically a high energy breed he can take for runs

Also likes to play fetch with it

Teaches it tricks

Constantly gets lectures from Brennen every time he says they have the smartest dog

Wants to let it lay in the bed but Brennen says no

He sneaks the dog up after she goes to sleep sometimes

Wendell

I bet you’re thinking dog huh?

Yeah you’re right

He has a American pitbull terrier he adores

Buys her sweaters for the winter

Takes her out to those dog friendly restaurants to play with Booth’s dog while they hang out

Cam

Cat lady 100%

Either a Siamese or a hairless cat

Spoils it with toys and treats, but makes sure it stays at a healthy weight

When no one is around she speaks to it in a baby voice

Arastoo

A cat he found at his local shelter

He doesn’t know what kind of cat it is

Has to take allergy pills because he developed an allergy after he already was attached

Sweets

A hermit crab he keeps in his office

Gets an artist friend to paint new shells based on sci fi movies he likes

Before he picked a name he was calling it buddy, which just kinda stuck

Angela

Likes many animals, but not keeping them

Only got one after Michael-Vincent kept begging

Ended up getting a hedge hog

It curls up in her lap while she paints or draws

Hodgins

Has the hedgehog with Angela obviously

He lets sit on his shoulder when relaxing

Built it a fucking MASSIVE enclosure in their house

This lil thing has so much to play with it’s insane

After a year or two of owning the hedgehog, he convinces Angela to get a tortoise

Who he also spoils

Zack

He bought a beta fish one day bc he thought a pet would make him less lonely but he was scared of all the other species at the pet store

He named it Archimedes

Originally just had it in a glass bowl

Bought it a proper tank after Hodgins explained how bad that is

Hodgins also went with him to pick out things it could hide in

Daisy

Honestly I’m not really sure

Maybe a hamster when she was young

But never got another pet after it died bc she was so sad

Loves Lance’s little hermit crab though

Says hi to it every time she stops by his office

Fisher

An iguana

He brought him into work once and cam made him put it in Hodgins’ bug room

Takes it for walks

It wears a black spiked collar with its leash

Vincent

He has two ferrets and and a set of Guinea pigs

Talks to them for hours telling them all the facts that pop into his head

Carries the ferrets around his body (neck, shoulders, arms, etc)

Talks about them like they are his human children

#bones tv show #bones tv #bones show #glb bones #temperence brennan #seeley booth #wendell bray #camille saroyan #lance sweets #collin fisher #arastoo vaziri #daisy wick #angela montenegro #jack hodgins #zack addy #vincent nigel murray #bones headcanons #headcannons

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kat-of-seventy-seven-roses · 4 days

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Homestuck Mythical Creature au / Cryptid Au

Very tempted to make an ask blop :p need to see if anyones inch rested

thought processes under the cut (bc some choices are wild)

Johns a pooka, an irish fae trickster who shapeshifts into animals. his favorite form is the bunny. john and jane are both fae, so their pranks range from harmless to mentally scaring to life altering. absolute chaos grimlins. dirk is also an irish myth, so he knows them well and is often trying to get them to not ruin the local population of humans. so they do pranks on him insted. john loves to steal dirks head and hide it places.

rose speaks to the eldritch horrors and is slowly becoming one herself. she wants to become a litch.

Dave is a harpy! a very chill one who doesn't tend to sing with his full chest, so people dont start crashing into his doorstep. dave dies in some magic accident that caused davesprite to rise up from the ashes. but dave harpy is ALSO fine no ones really sure how. may have been roses doing.

Jade is a werewolf obv. but shes also a witch and has formed a coven with rose and roxy.

Jane is ur avrage fae faerie/sprite. her favorite fae rule to get people to break is "dont eat their food."

Roxy is both a cat who is also a wizard i need not elaborate

Dirk is a headless horseman. not to be confused with THE headless horse man. thats another dullhan with a well paying halloween gig. dirk is often subject to losing his head, so he made a magic pumpkin to pilot the body when this happens. he does have a very large and scary but beautiful horse.

Jake is the bigfoot. and one of the most well hunted (and well travled) cryptids. thus, his friends often make jokes of not ever seeing him except in blurry images. its not his fault hes very large and loves to travel! and is also not very photogenic...

Aradia is a monthra!!! however she made a deal with a devil and became a ghost... not sure WHY yet or why it kills her. but it does. its all in her plan or smth, but that doesnt stop sollux from being very upset that hes the one that has to take and keep her soul. she is reserected later by the coven, still soulless but it doesnt matter bc her soul is in good hands and thus she still feels it. shes much happier now.

Tavros is a minotar self explanatory he is a small minotar, tho. a mini minotar if u will.

Sollux is ur run of the mill soul for potato chip demon. an excuse to give him twin tails and horns. him an kitkat gave me the most trouble! but then i went with a solkat devil angel motifi and im kinda attached t9 it now. even if its sorta a cop out. i simply couldnt find twin creatures that werent gods or children of gods. nor any crab creatures...

Karkat is an angel. he WAS human notably he was human for awhile even good friends with kanaya before he died. he never found love but helped so many with theres that he became an angel that was a lot like cupid. thus he was a small angel incharge of match making and also likened to a baby and hes very much NOT happy about this. it pisses him off, solluxs often gives him a hard time. about it. (extra angst is that kitkats also really fucked up about never knowing what love felt like but having to give it to others. and he has it in his head that that means he never will know, bc no ones matchmaking the matchmaker. but theres a song he hears everyonece anwhile by a stray harpy that makes him feel a lot lighter.)

Nepeta is my go to cat creature a nekomata. a two tailed cat yokai.

Kanaya is a vampire. obviously.

Terezi is a dragon! still blind! still licks. but can now transform and has wings, very scary. shes basiclly just her lusus lmao.

Vriska is a spider lady. i have arachne here bc its similar, but shes not arachne the myth proper. shes just a spider with the top part of a woman at the head. A Jorogumo a spider lady yokai and is basically actually what im picturing.

Equius is a centar and fuck if i ever have to draw him....

Gamzee is a clowwwn, just a clown, just a silly lil guy. What do you MEAN clowns arnt mythical creatures??? what do u mean u saw him under ur bed when you were a child? u must be mistaken. as a nod to ICPs boogieman. when gamzee is not high as a kite and is just a clown, he is one of the most terrifying and unkillable creatures known to children kind.

Eridan is a selkie. basiclly a mermaid but part seal. personally, I'd like to make him part seahorse. but not in the hippocampus way. i chose this bc he can shapeshift, thus he pretends to be a high elf sorcerer, yes he does get dunked on about this.

And finally, Feferi is a siren! who happens to be able to become very VERY **VERY** BIG. she doesnt lure people to drown them but she DOES love to keep live captives in cages :)

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inoreuct · 7 months

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I've been loving your ZoSan drabbles, they honestly make my day. I do have a potential drabble request if you'd like: I feel like these two idiots tease each other mercilessly for the dumbest things, like an old married couple. It's almost a game for the rest of the crew to how long it takes them to turn the teasing into either flirting or kissing. It's peak entertainment for the crew

thank you so much??$4!;7:)3 I’M SO GLAD TO HEAR THAT and yes. absolutely. I FLEW TO MY DOCS TO WRITE THIS AND IT WAS SO FUN. the tension is through the roof; not even with the bickering but the teasing. it’s playful and easy and they’re more fond than they should be and is an insult really an insult if it’s said with a smile? anyway. enjoy 😽

“Oho! The world’s greatest swordsman can’t handle a kitchen knife!” Sanji has his hands propped on his hips, faux-flabbergasted and crowing like a town crier. Zoro looks about three seconds away from chopping him up with said kitchen knife instead of the carrots on the countertop. Usopp fears for the cook’s safety.

“Do you think we should… do something?” he turns and whispers gingerly, leaning across his mug of tea so that Nami can hear him from where she’s seated across the table.

“Something like preventing a possible murder, or getting them to finally kiss? Because…” She takes a pointed slurp from her own mug, her amused gaze fixed on the way Zoro is now animatedly arguing back. “We could do both. Or neither. I’m entertained either way.”

Usopp turns back around, hiding his face in his drink as he eavesdrops shamelessly. He must have missed some conversation, because now Zoro’s sniping about Sanji’s hair, of all things. How they got so far from the original topic in such a short time? Usopp does not know.

“Well, at least I don’t spend an hour rubbing conditioner on my head,” Zoro scoffs, and Sanji gasps like the swordsman had just cussed out his entire family three generations up and down.

“And that, my dear marimo, is why it looks like a lawn,” he declares with a prim sniff, flicking the tap on with a flourish. “An untrimmed lawn. That a dog ran all over.”

“Wh—”

“No, no,” he laments, scrubbing at a dish in the most melodramatic way Usopp has seen in his life. “A pack of dogs. And they shat all over it, too.”

Zoro puffs up like an angry cat, clearly winding up to verbally throw down, and Usopp turns around to find Nami smirking at him with her eyebrows raised as if to say, see what I mean?

“This is incredible,” he whisper-shouts, amazed.

I know, she mouths delightedly, eyes shining like golden coins.

“What are we talking about,” Luffy hisses, and Usopp damn near jumps out of his skin.

“Great Mother Ocean, when did you get here?!” he nearly squawks, pulling his volume down at the last second, just in time to hear a victorious “and that is why no crab in its right mind would ever want to eat you!” from Zoro. He doesn’t even bother to question it anymore.

Luffy shrugs, biting into an apple with a satisfying crunch. “Like two seconds ago. Are Zoro and Sanji fighting again?”

“More like flirting,” Nami laughs, gesturing with her chin.

Usopp gives up on straining his neck and gets up to straddle the chair properly. The convo has somehow turned back to hair; Sanji has one hand plucking delicately at green strands, the other covered in soap.

“Keep talking shit about my brows and see if I will,” he says haughtily, and Usopp strains his ears for context as Zoro bares his teeth in a grin, his eye twitching.

“As if I want you to cut it. You’d probably make it all uneven.”

A dry ha! “That’d be an improvement.”

The sniper whips around wildly to look at Nami. Either he’s hearing things, or they sound almost… fond. The way their navigator’s sitting forward in her chair hints at the latter. Luffy bites into his apple again, mumbling, “Why haven’t they kissed yet?”

Usopp explodes into a flurry of desperate hand movements, mouthing exactly! Exactly! so enthusiastically that his cheeks hurt.

His captain smiles and then pauses, tilting his head. “Have they kissed yet?”

Usopp’s worldview shatters into shards that then start rearranging themselves because that is a very real possibility. Sanji and Zoro have been bickering ever since before the cook came aboard the Merry, but somewhere along the line it had turned to something more lighthearted, less I’m-gonna-gut-you-like-a-fish-and-have-your-entrails-for-breakfast and more you’re-so-damn-annoying-sit-down-and-let-me-help-you.

The three of them turn in unison to stare at how Sanji and Zoro are now nose to nose, Sanji peering down the scant half-inch he has above the swordsman in height with a smug smile and murmuring “—not what you were saying last week, marimo.”

Zoro tips his head, not backing down even as Sanji cooes at him and somehow, somehow, it doesn’t sound condescending. Usopp is losing his mind. “Never said that, curly-brow. You were the one who filled in the blanks.”

“You left blanks for me to fill in.”

“You’re delusional. There’s gas in your brain, that’s why your head’s so big.”

“Oh, yeah?” the cook grins, lazy and bright, eyebrows going up as Zoro steps into his space. “What’re you gonna do about it?”

Zoro smirks and tilts his head back. “I don’t know. You tell me,” he murmurs, before pulling away and dropping a whole stack of dirty crockery into the sink. “Better get to washing, dish boy.”

Usopp’s eyes are bugging out of his head as Sanji yells and sprays Zoro with water from the pullout tap, sparking a whole new round of squabbling and ankle-kicking and wayward elbows.

“You’re seeing this, right?” he asks desperately, turning around in his seat and gripping the edge of the table. Gosh, he’s feeling light-headed. “I’m not going crazy?”

“Nope,” Nami sighs, popping the ‘p’. “Wanna bet?”

“On?” Luffy shuffles closer, grinning around his apple and she shrugs a shoulder, feigning disinterest.

“How long it takes dumb and dumber to get their shit together.”

Usopp really doesn’t know how much he’d be willing to put into this. The way that they fight’s more pigtail-pulling than anything, and that in and of itself is telling— Not to mention, again, how this has been going on for months. Sanji would give Zoro shit for being messy but then go to clean anyway, only to find Zoro’s things already packed. Zoro would snip at the cook for being rigid about dessert before dinner and then find a slice of sour raspberry tart on his bunk, way after teatime was over. Usopp had honestly thought they’d been doing it out of spite, but now…

Then again, with how repressed the both of them were? “…A hundred berry, one month,” he decides, and Nami wrinkles her nose.

“Stingy,” she complains, but she’s hiding a smile as she turns to their captain. “Luffy?”

The boy hums thoughtfully, twisting around. “Are you two kissing?” he yells, and Usopp’s heart fucking drops to the floorboards as the pair stares at them wide-eyed and bursts into protests.

“What— this idiot?”

“The hell? No! Why would you—”

“—on any planet would I ever—”

“Absolutely fucking not. His refined palate—”

“—His brains are in his biceps—”

“Okay,” Luffy says, shrugging as he finishes the last of his apple, core and all, and flings a singular seed into the tiny bin by the sink with startling precision. “Five hundred, two weeks.”

Usopp can’t help it. He bursts into laughter, smacking his forehead into the tabletop as he clutches at his stomach and the twinge in his ribs. He can hear Sanji’s panicked shouts of “what? What were you betting on? Usopp, tell me now—” and Zoro growling, “Luffy, I swear if this is what I think it is—” and oh.

The sniper grins into the table. Oho. Did that not imply that Zoro knew something was going on? He could be wrong, but— “Seven-fifty, one week.”

“A thousand!” Luffy counters immediately, and Usopp cackles helplessly because he knows that his captain’s just shouting out numbers now, Luffy doesn’t even have the money.

“How about we spill the beans on what the hell we’re betting on, and I make us all a special dinner, hm?” Sanji pleads, and it’s honestly funny how hard he’s trying to find out.

“Absolutely not,” Nami replies, her grin saccharine sweet. “A joint bet of one thousand, seven hundred and fifty berry for one week. Y’know,” she studies her cuticles, pursing her lips in an unbothered moue, “This is the one time that I’d be happy not to collect. Don’t let me down, hm?” She gets up and slides out the galley door, and they hear her laughing all the way down the hall.

Zoro looks like he’s about to have a conniption. Sanji has his hands buried in his hair, looking up at the ceiling and turning around like he’s begging for a divine answer. Usopp and Luffy share a gleeful look.

This is going to be a marvellously interesting week.

fin.

#zosan #one piece zosan #zoro x sanji #ronoroa zoro #black leg sanji #THESE FUCKING IDIOTS #this was hilarious to write #i love them so much #they’re so stupid #ALSO NAMI AND USOPP WOULD BE BESTIES PLEASE #THEY GOSSIP AND TALK SHIT!!#one piece zoro #one piece sanji #one piece #ask box #ino’s ask box

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shinningraes · 9 days

Text

Tolys: So… I’ve seen you’ve been spending a lot of time with Romano recently.

Alfred: No, Tolys, it's not what it looks like, I swear.

Tolys: Oh really? So no reason for me to be jealous?

Alfred: No! You’re the only one for me.

Tolys: Is that so?

Alfred: I promise! Romano and I are just dating, okay? They’re my partner.

Tolys: So there are no best-friends-feelings involved?

Alfred: You are still my one and only best friend! They’re just the love of my life, nothing more!

Tolys: But I’m still the platonic love of your life, right?

Alfred: Of course bro!

Tolys: Bro...

Romano: What the-

Tolys: I dare you to kiss the next person who walks into this room.

Romano: Screw that, I’m not kissing any of you.

*Alfred walks in*

Romano: Fine, I’ll do it. Rules are rules you know.

Alfred, about Romano: Can I tell them they look nice?

Tolys: Sure.

Alfred: Can I tell them I respect them?

Tolys: Maybe, if they ask.

Alfred: Should I show them an oil painting I made of us surrounded by our three cats and four dogs?

Tolys: …

Tolys: I’d save that for later.

Alfred: I type how I think.

Romano: Odd that you type at all then.

Tolys: Time freezes for everyone but you one day. What do you do?

Alfred: Oh… I’d mildly trouble everyone.

Tolys: Alright, so what would you do?

Alfred: I’d shave a one-inch thick line in every thick beard I saw.

Alfred: I’d twist all the lightbulbs just a little bit so no one would know when they aren’t working.

Alfred: I’d make every wing on girls eyeliner just a little bit higher than the other one.

Alfred: And I’d tie everyone’s shoelaces together.

Alfred: And then lastly, I’d snip a little hole in every tea bag.

Tolys:

Tolys: Remind me to never allow you to have power.

Romano: I’m not so sure you’re stakeout material.

Tolys: I’m a chronic insomniac, I was born for this.

Alfred: Just be yourself. Say something nice.

Romano: Which one? I can't do both.

Romano: How long do you reckon it’ll be until Tolys finally snaps and commits murder?

Alfred: I’ve been going through life assuming it’s already happened at some point and it’s just that no one was ever able to trace it back to them.

Romano: Valentine’s day is just a consumerist holiday that holds no real value other than drive people insane buying heart shaped chocolates for their significant others and pos-

Alfred: I wrote you a poem.

Romano, already crying: You did?

Alfred: Do crabs think people walk sideways?

Tolys: ...Alfred, what the hell.

Alfred: When will Ted himself...finally show up to the talk?

Tolys: The final boss.

Romano: You guys know TEDtalks stands for technology, entertainment, and design talks, right?

Alfred: I will not let Ted hide behind these lies any longer!

Tolys, clearly drunk: Romano, hit me another drink… wooOO HOOoo…

Romano: I think you need a therapist and not a bottle.

Tolys: I think yooOOoou need to shuUT YOUR MOUTH!

#hetalia #aph hetalia #hws hetalia #hws america #aph america #aph south italy #hws south italy #aph lithuania #hws lithuania #aph incorrect quotes #hetalia incorrect quotes #jazz age trio #aph romerica #my favorite trio

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happysparklingshadows · 8 months

Text

𝙻𝚘𝚝𝚝𝚒𝚎 𝙼𝚊𝚝𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚠𝚜 𝙷𝚎𝚊𝚍𝚌𝚊𝚗𝚘𝚗𝚜 ('𝟿𝟼)

Note: Sorry for being away for so long, depression came and kicked my fat ass this month. Chapter 4 of Certain Hunger is coming out September 25 so watch out for that, and i hope you like these headcannons! Comment your own and reblog if you like!

𝙶𝚎𝚗𝚎𝚛𝚊𝚕 𝙻𝚘𝚝𝚝𝚒𝚎 𝙷𝚎𝚊𝚍𝚌𝚊𝚗𝚘𝚗𝚜

♡ Lottie is a Pieces Sun and Libra Rising

♡ Lottie’s favorite color is Purple, Royal purple, to be specific.

♡ Lottie is a cat person through and through. She likes to be very gentle with animals and take things at their speed. If they didn’t want affection, that was okay, they will eventually want something, and Lottie will just be content.

Lottie's spirit Animal is the Bear.

♡ Lottie, for sure, had a pet cat that was her best friend as a child. Her mother wasn’t emotionally available, and her father thought throwing money at problems would fix them. Lottie grew up believing she was messed up and wished she could just be how her parents wanted her, but she never really understood what was wrong with her.

♡ Lottie is a Extervert. She loves connecting with people and talking in general. She is the type of person who always makes little friends in public places. It could be an old lady, a frat dude, or a little girl. It doesn’t matter because she is now their friend, and they are talking.

♡ Lottie likes spicy food a lot, and she would be the person to proudly eat chili without flinching infront of people.

♡ Lottie’s favorite food is a Spicy King Crab roll and Miso Soup from her hometown Japanese restaurant. She likes to add wasabi to all her sushi, even the Californian roll.

♡ Lottie's childhood was not horrible, but it was very lonely. Lottie had all the toys, Nannies, and friends to fill her time. She never went without, and she never really had to worry about her basic needs not getting met. But her mother was emotionally absent because her father was a very intense control freak about how the family should be. Her dad came from money, and her mother did not, and she was the collateral damage of two different philosophies about raising kids. She didn't get any reassurance, and she was seen as messed up in some way. If she wasn't perfect or had opinions against her father, he would throw her mental disorder in her face. Lottie loves her parents and will follow what they say to the word, but she holds so much resentment towards them.

♡ Laura Lee, Taissa, and Van are her closest friends on the team. In high school, Van, Tai, and Lottie always sat together in classes and at lunch. They were their own cliche in the team, and Laura Lee was the innocent add-on they all had a soft spot for.

♡ Lottie's sex drive is pretty normal, it isn't all that crazy. Lottie likes to have sex 1 or 2 times a week, and she likes to have wholesome intimacy in between. Lottie is a Switch! in her normal setting, but she does lead towards Top! most of the time.

♡ I think Lottie’s main vice that she uses at a party, which might be crazy but hear me out, is cocaine. I believe this because she is 1. a girl from NEW money 2. It’s an upper drug 3. It’s the fucking 1990s.

♡ ⚠️Unpopular opinion⚠️ I think that Lottie is not ashamed of being rich and taking her father’s money. It’s the culture of her family and their upper-class peers. She is thrilled that she doesn’t have to work or struggle, and she grows to learn that it is a profound privilege never to have to work or struggle in her early adulthood or ever really.

𝙳𝚒𝚏𝚏𝚎𝚛𝚎𝚗𝚝 𝙰𝚄s/𝚄𝚗𝚒𝚟𝚎𝚛𝚜𝚎s

♡ Royalty AU! Lottie Matthews would be a Merlin or Head Mage of the castle. I can see Lottie playing some kind of magical role in a fantasy setting and that she would be someone who is seen as crazy still because I feel like it is core to Lottie’s character. She would give you healing potions, and she would give you a protective rune for your armor or a necklace for your journey. She would be watching out for you through a looking glass.

♡ Delinquent AU! Lottie is a hardcore shoplifter who got busted for stealing $670 worth of clothes from the mall. She was arrested, her parents paid her bail, and she kept doing it. It gives Lottie feelings that she usually has numbed through her many medications and uses Shoplifting to thrill her in her watered-down, milquetoast privileged life.

♡ Supernatural AU! Lottie is a forest witch for the reasons above in the Royalty AU.

♡ Superhero/Marvel AU! Spiderman. No other words.

♡ College AU! Lottie would be a pothead in college and would get into spirituality. I think in every timeline, Lottie gives off goop vibes and would become some kind of spiritual influencer. She would be on Witchtok for sure. Lottie would change majors a lot. I see English, Communications, French, and even a try in Gender studies. She will eventually drop out because she has her dad’s money to fall back on.

𝙿𝚛𝚎-𝙲𝚛𝚊𝚜𝚑 𝙷𝚎𝚊𝚍𝚌𝚊𝚗𝚘𝚗𝚜

♡ Lottie would be the one to tell you that she likes you first, and she would be very blunt about it. Lottie wants to take bandaids off as quickly as possible, so when she has feelings, she just wants to shoot her shot and lick her wounds as quickly as possible.

♡ Lottie is a firm believer in retail therapy. Lottie has always really liked to go shopping and go to the mall. She likes to try on clothes and make you try on different looks. Want to try goth, preppy, sporty, chic? She would never be shy to buy you some things on her dad’s credit card.

♡ Lottie likes to take you out on dates to restaurants and lovely places like ballets and theatres. I see Lottie taking you out for a good dinner and going off to see the Nutcracker with hot chocolates around Christmas time.

♡ Lottie is the more anxious partner in the relationship. She will call you and try to talk when you are away from her. She wants to ensure you are always okay and doesn’t like her favorite person being away from her.

𝚆𝚒𝚕𝚍𝚎𝚛𝚗𝚎𝚜𝚜 𝙷𝚎𝚊𝚍𝚌𝚊𝚗𝚘𝚗𝚜

♡ Lottie leans on you for support when she runs out of her medication. She entirely relies on you to tell her what reality is anymore because she can’t tell with her chemicals being misplaced. Her delusions become very real, the voices seem more real and responsible, and she doesn’t trust herself. Even with her connection to It, Lottie doesn’t trust her perception of anything. She doesn’t ask you about things most of the time.

♡ Lottie always tells you about her dreams at night, how they happened, and the surreal plots of her mind, and she wants to know yours. She grows to believe that everyone’s dreams tell you something that could bring the Yellowjackets more food and breaks from the wilderness. A deer must be nearby if you see a deer in a dream. If there was a conflict with people or the girls on camp in a dream, that indicates there must be some bad times coming your way (small or big could cast lives)

♡ Lottie cuddles with you all the time in the wilderness for warmth. Lottie is always cold, even in the summer. She likes to have you physically near her to feel your heat. She is very physically affectionate out in the wilderness.

♡ Lottie gets jealous quickly, even before the crash, by giving something or someone more attention than you give her. She doesn’t like it. If you are hanging out with your friends on camp, Lottie will wander into the conversation seamlessly. But if you are getting flirted with, or she perceives someone is flirting with you, she goes a little crazy. She gets confrontational, and she becomes somewhat aggressive in her words, but she always comes to her senses and apologies.

♡ Lottie has more sexual desire now in the wilderness, and the freedom of being in love with you makes her want to have sex anytime you move. In the wilderness, Lottie develops a primal kink and a breeding kink out there and begs to get you pregnant (which can't happen).

#yellowjackets x reader #yellowjackets #lesbian #lottie matthews #lottie matthews x reader #lottie matthews x you #Lottie matthews fluff #Lottie Matthews headcanons

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owlight · 1 year

Note

Hello :D you are a lovely writer I was wondering if I could request Zoro Sanji and Law reacting to their gn s/o asking if they would still love them as a worm thank you:)

UR a Lovely anon !!!

Thank u for requesting this 😔🫶 an honor to have this request finely arriving on my doorsteps

Warnings: Wormy business

Zoro ,Sanji ,Law reacting to Thier gn S/o asking them " would you still love me if I was a worm?"

Zoro

You were sitting next to him ,both relaxing as the ship sail ,it was a sweet moment for you two ,Zoro was falling asleep slowly and you were thinking of something that's been bothering you since a while "hey Zoro? " You poke his side to gain his attention,Zoro open his eye to look at you " what?" He asks as he yawn "can I ask you a question?" You ask him as you fidget with your fingers a bit nervously,you have a sheepish smile on your face " eh..yeah sure , what's wrong?" You smile at him

" would you still love me if I was a worm?" You ask him with all seriousness in your voice and eyes

....

" what ?" He sits up as he isn't sure if he even heard you right " would you still love me if I was a worm?" You ask again more serious than he ever seen you before ,Zoro looks at you up and down as he put a finger on his chin "...a talking worm? Like a full sized you as a worm? Still as strong as you are now? Your same personality? if that's the case then yes" he answer you honestly,you smile " aw but I meant like a normal worm Zoro!"

" probably not, would use you as a fish bait if we needed it"

" HEY "

You did catch him off guard but for sure he would still love you if you were a worm-human creature ,but if you were a normal worm,he would keep you as fishing bait

Doesn't understand why are you mad about him using you as fish bait ,Like You would be a worm ,u still gotta be useful for the crew 😔

Let's say he didn't get any more cuddles for the rest of that day

Sanji

" would you still love me if I was a-" Sanji cuts you off fast with a fast " yes 100% my love " you huff as you mumble" I didn't even finish Sanji! " Sanji hold your hand with great gentleness as he start talking , there's sparkles all around him as he speak " I see no point of continuing,I would love you no matter what Sugar! I would lay my life for you, I would love you if you were a beast ,a frog ,a beetle, you're my sweetheart,my treasure,my everytime,please never doubt my love for you,I would love you no matter what my Beauty,my Lovely (y/n) " he tells you with full confident and love in his eyes and voice as he continues to praise you and say how much he will love you no matter what shape or form you might take ,You only sighs,you should known better he will make it into a speech

He fr would love you as a worm and would tell you he would put you in the perfect soil and give you good vegetables and Worship your wormy self

Would make you never question his love for you even though you never did,you just wanted to mess with him

Let's hope you are ready for a whole week of him telling you he would still love you as a fish ,crab,cat a zombie...you had it coming

Law

" Hey law-" you get cuts off quickly by law giving you a fast "No I won't unless I am a worm too then yes " he tells you flatly,you stare at him and he doesn't even glance as you as he read the book in his hands " you didn't even let me finish" you pout as you cross your arms " you asked everyone on the submarine if they would still be your friend and love you if you were a worm,I Assume you were going to ask me now , I'm right yo?" He give you a glance as he tells you that ,you huff loudly " fuck You " you stumble out the room in frustration,Law only sighs,you really need to get to the mainland,your new questions are making him question his taste for sure

He would love you if he was a worm too but it's unclear if he would love you if he wasn't a worm ,ngl relationship red flag you should dump him

Penguin literally said he would love you if you were a worm and He would give you good soil ,Law have new standards to meet

He later will tell you that he will love you as a worm only because Bepo told him he caught you planning his downfall by adding bread to his dinner ,He is in your good side...for Now

#one piece #one piece x reader #one piece headcanons #one piece fanfiction #trafalgar d water law #law x reader #roanoa zoro #trafalgar law x reader #zoro x reader #sanji x reader #vinsmoke sanji #reader insert #owl write

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bucknastysbabe · 1 year

Note

SHIT! You won't believe what came to my mind! I really want you to write aemond/reader or aegon/reader (whatever you like, who do you like better) BUT with dynamics like in the cartoon the swan princess! you know, something based on that song… I think it's called "this is my idea". where the reader is a lady who comes to the red castle every summer as a child, and all the children have a little rivalry, and then it turns out that she is engaged to one of the princes …. well, just listen to this song and I think you will understand what I mean, I'm bad at formulating thoughts, sorry I'M SORRY THIS IS SO LONG but it's literally tearing me apart

AH I WATCHED THE VIDEO AND ITS SO CUTE. So I did this with more politics, adventurous targvelaryon babies and of course shit head aegon. No YOU tore me apart anon. Bottom of me heart hope you enjoyed it, pebble throwing and all. Thanks for the request, keep ‘em coming folx

Proposals? Not my idea.

Tags: Childish ass rivalry, Aegon is actually a sad baby, everyone else is tired of the idiot, Celtigars rule #TEAMBLACKSTANNIES, enemies to lovers, time skips galore, inspired by the swan Princess

Viserys sat with an annoyed look on his face. Rhaenyra to his right, Alicent on the left The tension was aggravating his already throbbing head. His lady wife and Otto had called the meeting, disturbing the king from his building.

Criston Cole stood by the door, shooting a blank look to the regent. Beesbury, Wylde, Strong, Lannister, and Grand Maester Mellos sat around the table. With a sigh Viserys put his golden orb into the slot, opening the meeting. He inquired impatiently, “And what is this meeting so very important to be called for?”

Alicent’s lips opened but Otto butted in, “The concern of Prince Aegon’s betrothal.”

Viserys guffawed, “Is he not to be wed to Helaena?”

Silence amplified by wide eyes ensued. Rhaenyra stifled laughter behind her hand. Alicent softly began, “My king. Aegon has…refused the betrothal. He- our son claims he will not fulfill his duty.” Viserys groaned aloud, his body was starting to ache at the stiff chair.

Otto piped in, “We have tried everything but he refuses to bed her if they are to be in union. We called this meeting to consider alternate options.”

Tyland Lannister shared a look with Lord Wylde. Rhaenyra snarked, “Marry him to a Lyseni whore then. Valyrian blood for the line and whores are all my half-brother goes for anyway.” Harrold harrumphed in disagreement. Otto barred his daughters arm when Alicent snapped, “Do not speak of my son that way! Ask your dear Daemon about pillow houses!”

Rhaenyra grinned like a cat, turning icy eyes onto her father. Tyland Lannister proposed, “Why not look at the Celtigars? They are a house of Old Valyria and quite wealthy. Lord Bartimos has a lovely grand daughter of twelve-and-ten from what I have heard.”

Multitudes of voices spoke up, questioning about the great houses or a union with Dorne.

Viserys, quite done with it all, slammed his palm on the table. He declared, “Send a raven to Lord Bartimos to bring the girl. Helaena will be betrothed to Aemond, he seems to be fond of the child. My word is final.”

Otto raised a brow, choosing to remain silent. Alicent’s face was wrought with concern. She hoped this young she-crab retained nothing of her families sour disposition.

A fortnight later

Your grandfather had been lecturing you on the rules and etiquette of court in the Red Keep. You stared blankly as Bartimos waved his wrinkled hands around, chiding you to remember your upbringing and lessons.

He pinched your chin softly, boring into your eyes. Lord Celtigar gruffed, “If you can survive the Sea Lord of Braavos then take that and guard yourself and intentions by the thousands.” You replied, “They are a nest of Dragons, I can get that much.”

He huffed a laugh and released you, eyeing the Red Keep beckoning the family across the Blackwater Bay. Bartimos braced himself on the side of the ship, breathing in the air. He grumbled, “Your potential betrothed is a bit of a…grasping chap.” You scoffed and bit out, “How so grandfather?”

“Drinks and whores, any serving girl in sight they tell me.”

Your shoulders fell. Still being a princess would be much more palatable than old Lord Crabb. His second lady wife died in the birthing bed and you were offered on a silver platter until the Hand’s raven came in. You didn’t care if the dragon prince was a fool, you’d find other things to do. Squeezing out heirs was the bad part. You shuddered and thought on something else.

Two Kingsguard bearing the same face waited on the docks with gorgeous geldings in tow. One announced, “Lord Celtigar, and the young lady. Welcome to King’s Landing.” You gave the customary bow, feeling your grandfathers steely eyes upon you. You had decided that the city was disgusting. Houses upon ramshackle houses layered upon another, beggars and folks covered in filth barking their wares. The Red Keep loomed over the city like a crimson giant from tales of old.

Grandfather chatted to the two knights and you pulled your hood up higher. The leers of the small folk made you uneasy. Claw Isle was a desolate rock but your childhood was joyfully spent seafaring and finding critters along the broken coast with your cousins and siblings.

You gasped at the sheer height of Maegor’s monstrosity, built to show who truly ran the Seven Kingdoms. Your grandfather spoke of the twisted and fearsome Iron Throne and the maze that ran underneath the keep, holding secrets one wouldn’t dare to unearth.

The Hand himself, Otto Hightower stood at the top of the steps with the queen smiling rather forcefully next to him. Otto beckoned your small party forward. Bartimos and the imposing man hugged and exchanged pleasantries. The green queen pulled you aside, murmuring, “Come here dearest, let me take a look at you.”

You tried not to squawk as the lady prodded and pinched your face, running a gentle hand down your delicate braids. Once done she pulled you into a warm hug. She remarked, “You are beautiful. This will do quite nicely. The Maiden smiles upon thee.” Your supple boots were beginning to grow damp with sweat.

You bowed and thanked Queen Alicent graciously, offering your honor to be in her presence. Otto turned to you before flicking his eyes to Alicent, the slender woman nodding with a soft tilt of her lips. The hand clasped his hands together and spoke, “Very well. Let us get you two in some sumptuous accommodations. Dinner will occur tonight for further discussion and merriment.” You had a feeling it was going to be one of those Braavosi menageries but bowed and followed along, purely in awe of the Keep.

Handmaidens flocked to your quarters to gussy you up for dinner. While they corseted and braided your hair you took in the room. This was much different than Claw Isle. Your families keep was by no means honest but looked like a shanty compared to the grand suite. Your home was made of tough timber supported by stones. Crabs too…lots of crabs.

The bed looked like a cloud, and wine plus other treats adorned the flat surfaces. One of the maidens, Meera, whispered, “Did you know this is where Princess Deria stayed when she delivered Dorne’s terms to the conqueror?” You turned and snarked, “I think I’m a bit less important than that.”

Another one piped in, “No, no, you’re very important. The whispers are that they are considering a betrothal for the young Prince!” Stagnant silence fit the room as you warbled, “My lord grandfather has made it very clear about that. May I have some wine?”

A cup of wine later you felt more loose. It didn’t taste pleasant but considering how others reacted it would be a help. Your father overcomsumed his drink but Bartimos never indulged in a drop. You’d watch yourself tonight.

The ladies tittered over your beauty, guiding you towards a looking glass. You did look comely. The cinching of your waist and the tight bodice gave you the appearance of curves. Celtigars were lanky in nature and you hoped some of your mother’s Rosby fertile traits would come in time.

You smiled and thanked the ladies, promising them a gift before you departed. A polite knock at the door swerved your head, and one of the servants opened the heavy wood. A white knight and Lord Celtigar stood waiting. Your grandfather was nervous, pulling at the hem of his cloak.

“Ser Willis Fell, my grand daughter,” he gestured to you, “Sweetling, your sworn sword for the time being.” You bowed and warmly replied. The Fell man— a strapping lad of dark gray eyes and dusty hair nodded politely. With a swish of his white cloak, the Celtigars were escorted to the Targaryen’s private dinner chambers.

Bartimos grabbed your sleeve, shifting the brocade of white and red beading. He stared expectantly. You meekly replied, “I will be on my most honorable behavior grandfather.” In a strange moment he pulled you into a hug and whispered, “I know you will. Of my offspring, you have a keen eye and intuition they do not possess.”

Face heated with affection, you were introduced to the family. Your heart sank into your bowels as you took in the scene. Queen Alicent shot up and strode to your side. Daemon snorted into his wine, getting a burning look from the King himself. Alicent beamed at you, cheerily chatting, “You look like a dream young lady. Come, come, we’ll sit you next to the younger ones.” You kept your face cool and curtsied before the royals as the queen led you to a spot next to Princess Helaena.

She squeezed your shoulders and returned to the other side of the table. Your grandfather had joined over near King Viserys and the Hand. The seat was empty next to you. You introduced yourself quietly, picking at your dress. One of Daemon’s girls, Rhaena, spoke, “It is wonderful to meet you, a fellow Valyrian.” Rhaenyra’s eldest boy chimed in, “Not very much of us around here!”

You laughed and joked, “We’re not as beautiful as your houses, but yes we can trace our ancestry back. We wanted a smaller desolate rock with people that hated us I’m afraid.”

They laughed around, even the quiet Helaena. She was exceedingly kind, but off. You chatted with the dragon seeds before asking, “May I ask, where is-.”

The dead-silent Aemond spoke, turning his intense gaze upon you, “He’s either hungover, asleep, bedding a whore, or all three I’m afraid Lady Celtigar.”

Your face fell but you lightly surmised, “I had heard as such. Even at this age?”

The Valyrians all nodded in unison. Jacaerys teased, “Since he’s gone so much that wouldn’t stop you from ahem- taking matters into your own hands.” Baela squawked and Aemond waved his hand muttering about moon-tea. The sweet Helaena grabbed your palm, her amethyst eyes searching your soul. She deadpanned, “The trap will be set.” You tore your gaze away, disturbed.

The young Lucaerys waved the dreamy Targaryen off and started about training with Ser Harwin— Aemond rolling his eyes. The stoic second son unnerved you even at such a young age. He was two-and-twelve and dreadfully serious.

With a yelp and a curse, Aegon Targaryen, second of his name stumbled in the room. Ser Westerling shook his head and marched the drunken boy into his chair. You scrunched your nose at his disheveled state. Aemond pinched his brother and the Velaryon blooded Targaryens giggled.

Aegon turned slowly to stare at you, glazed eyes surveying your form. He was probably seeing double from the way he closed a purple eye. The adults watched in horror, Viserys looking pale in the face. Daemon smirked, murmuring something in High Valyrian to the Princess Rhaenyra. Your cheeks flushed in embarrassment, a sudden need to slap the boy silly arising.

He slurred, “Y’ma betthrowed? Naht bad for ah crab! Bih’ skinny for m’tastes.” The thoroughly disheveled prince devolved into a fit of high-pitched giggles. You bit your tongue til it bled. Lord Celtigar’s gnarled hands drew white gripping the table. Alicent marched up and grabbed Aegon by the ear, hissing and spitting. He protested but stumbled along, falling down multiple times. Silence ensued before Otto and the King apologized and dinner returned.

Your appetite had left you, choosing to swirl the mash around your plate. The rest of the children shot looks of pity. You sniffled to hide your angry tears. What an absolute ass— the warnings were not enough. You bitterly remarked, “At the least the sot finds me comely.” A couple of chuckles filled the table and that was the last it was discussed.

You lamented your existence in your chamber. As much as a girl of twelve-and-ten could. If your possible betrothed was that much of an uncouth drunkard you would reconsider the elder Lord Crabb. Not like it mattered anyways— you were simply a pawn. Staring out into the bay you thought about sailing away. You’d probably get drowned or sold to Lys but the thought was soothing.

Your grandfather chuckled when he saw your frame bundled up on a chair. He ambled over and sat across from you. Petulantly you kept your mouth shut, eyeing your kin. He placed a spotted hand on your shoulder, smiling. You croaked, “What is so lighthearted about this grandsire?”

He replied, “Regardless of the young prince’s antics, the pair of you will be married in years time. He has sobered up and given his approval. For the time being, you will stay in King’s Landing as a lady-in-waiting for Princess Helaena.”

You spat, “I am honored to serve my family. Even is my betrothed is a drunken wretch. Please do visit, or send my brother, I fear I will be eaten alive.”

Bartimos guffawed, even taking to slap his knee. He leaned in and and spoke lowly, “Give the boy time. The prince will see what’s right in front of him, then that’s when you dig your claws in. My girl, who mentions King Jaehaerys without good Queen Alysanne? Be a lady, worship the Gods, and bide your time. Boy can’t see past his cock currently. Claw Isle is a mere ride from here, I will be watching.”

Your grandfather’s blunt words warmed your heart and set you to laughing, bringing happy tears to your eyes. In a flurry you hugged the sour crab and thanked him. He murmured, “The crabs feed on the helpless, just wait and see.”

A couple of months later

The royal children scampered around the secret beach under the Red Keep. Baela and Aemond had argued over an age-old pirate hiding his treasure in one of the many alcoves exposed when the tide was drawn. So down they went, Aemond snootily declaring when the best time was based on the moon. Jace snorted under his breath, “Cad.”

You and Aegon were at odds end; bickering and caught in petty bets. He shoved past you down the crumbling stairs, you sending a boot to his skinny legs. He stumbled and shrieked, “Piss off crab!” You huffed and stomped down. Luke nervously looked around, quavering. Rhaena seemed ecstatic, holding the dark headed boys hand.

Once on the shore, Baela pointed at a particularly jagged cave opening. She declared, “Thats the description that Aemond and I found!” Aemond sniffed, “We have two hours until tide surges back in, let’s go.” Aegon yawned, rolled his eyes, and swaggered forward to the cave. You followed along, picking up a seashell or two along the way. Your betrothed snorted, “What are you, Joff now?”

You tossed a pebble at him and shouted, “It reminds me of home you cretin! Keep moving!”

Aegon glared and trailed behind Baela. She stopped at the edge of the opening and turned around. She informed, “It’s going to get wet, but we have to be fast. Everyone got a weapon?” The group held up their daggers dutifully. Aemond charged in, his boots sinking thigh deep. Aegon groaned, “Greaaat.”

You shoved him forward and held the rear as Luke and Rhaena tromped in the darkness. Baela lit a torch, illuminating the cave. The gloom went further on. You hummed, “Maybe Helaena could’ve used her weird prophecies.” The princess had declined the adventure, informing you to bring her back a beautiful shell. Aegon groaned in disgust and barked at Rhaena to keep going.

Down and down they went until the kids stumbled upon an old chest. Luke yelped, “Gods! It’s real!”

Aemond snipped, “We don’t know yet fool.”

Jace bristled and you murmured some calming words. Aegon complained, “Pry it open then. I’d like to not drown any time soon.” Baela shushed the eldest and gathered Jace to wedge their daggers under the lid. With a crack it opened. The kids all gathered around to peer over it. Inside lie a strange jade figurine and some gold coins.

“Treasure,” Rhaena cheered!

Aemond’s eyes glanced about and he hastily demanded, “Tide’s rising. Let’s go. Crab, grab the stuff you have a bag.” Your eyes narrowed at the idiotic nickname Aegon had given you and unfortunately had stuck. You dutifully stuffed the items away. The tide was rising quicker than expected, everyone scrambling to leave.

Luke coughed up seawater on the shore, Rhaena patting his back softly. Aegon brooded like a wet cat. Everyone was accounted for. You snapped, “Thanks for the help when my foot was caught! Pompous ass.” Aegon shrugged disdainfully. You threw another pebble at him.

3 years later

Times had changed as of late. Rhaenyra had taken her children and Daemon’s girls to Dragonstone. There was a horrid incident involving the loss of Aemond’s eye by his cousin. You missed them dearly. Life was dreary. Helaena was sweet as could be but you were bored. She wasn’t the talkative type. Aemond dug into his studies and training. Aegon had reached the age of 6 and 10 and dove into his second passion besides drinking himself into oblivion; fucking anything with a hole. You eventually found yourself so deprived you asked for some lessons on defense from Ser Criston, the knight accepting happily.

So you had a regimen where you visited the knight a couple days a week to learn swordsmanship, brawling, and throwing off a wayward man. Aemond had quietly even thrown a compliment. Today you wrestled with a page boy, digging him into the ground. Ser Criston clapped, giving pointers.

The mood was promptly ruined by the grating voice of your betrothed.

Aegon stood with his unkempt long locks. You could smell the perfumes of the whore house and wine pouring off of him. Aemond rolled his eye, putting down his sword. The eldest prince remarked, “So you wrestle in the mud like a common beggar? Fitting for a crab.” Criston snapped, “Forgive me your grace but she is out here unlike some people I know.”

You pulled up the page boy and glared at the asshole. You snarled, “I bet your soft belly wouldn’t last a second against me, lazybones.”

Aegon’s pale fists clenched and his face gained red splotches. He hissed, “Why would I get in the mud with a weak girl?” Aemond piped up uncharacteristically with chicken noises. Throwing his hands up, Aegon snarled, “Fine. Let me put my hair up, wench.” You got into stance, ready to show the spoiled princeling.

He lunged and you slid between Aegon’s long legs, wrapping your arms around them. With an ‘oof’ he hit the ground. You wrestled on top of him, lightly shoving and punching. This was very cathartic for you. Aegon shouted horrid obscenities and kicked at you. Your hand gripped around his long throat, your mouth set into determination.

“Yield yellow belly!,” you demanded with another squeeze.

Aegon’s face grew very, very red. A pitiful noise left his throat, the boys eyes looking pointedly away. Then you felt the length between your legs. You gasped and got off, giving the perverted prick another kick to the side. You’d never seen Aemond and Criston laugh that hard in your life. As you trudged off, the elder son stared around in bewilderment before screeching at the men in the vicinity.

2 years later

If you had the choice you’d put Aegon’s head on a spike. He’d do the absolute same. When he wasn’t salaciously flirting with you…often followed up by an insult. Cards spread out on your table, a flagon between you two. He purred, “What do I get when I win?” You frowned and shuffled your cards. When you stared at the prince you grumbled, “You’d get your pox riddled dick cut off— do the realm a favor.” Aegon glared, “So bitter at a young age.”

“I’m a year younger than you loutish pig.”

He waved a hand and the pair of you started to play. Every round you had won, the increasingly annoyed prince demanded another go. The flagon had been replaced by that point too, mainly swallowed down by the blonde. You teased, “Seven above Aegon, you are simple!” Aegon’s cheeks flushed adorably hideously and he threw the cards across the table in anger.

Yelping you chided, “Really? Grow the fuck up.”

Aegon crossed his arms and muttered, “I don’t want to play the dumb cards anymore.”

“What? Do you want to play come-in-to my castle, blanket up a Red Keep like babes?”

Aegon leaned over the table and lecherously glared at you. He hummed lowly, “How about I come into your castle, Celtigar?”

You promptly slapped the shit out of him. Aegon held his cheek, eyes wide and pouty lips gaping. You grumbled, “This is not my idea of fun. Go to the brothel for that. I have to see to Helaena.”

Aegon sputtered but couldn’t form words, gaping after your retreating figure. Aemond’s voice called from behind, “Definitely not an idea of fun brother. The crab does not like you.” Aegon grumbled, “Tell me about it.” He held his cheek in heat, but his chest flip-flopped in a strange way.

1 year later

Helaena sung a melodic song in the Godswood. Her and Aemond’s children played about with a servant. Jaehaerys and Jaehaera were gorgeous children, cracking open the sealed off part in your heart that yearned for love and childbearing.

Too bad you had the most idiotic, philandering, vain soon-to-be husband. The wedding was in plan for the fall. Winter was coming after all. The Starks had a point with that. The pair of you had ignored each other, Aegon did whatever debauchery that filled his free time while you read and accompanied sweet Helaena.

You paused and stared at the bleeding face of the Weirwood. Helaena hummed, “The weirwoods. They watch all of us. Silently, but there. They know everything.”

Holding back a snarky rebuttal you questioned, “Do you think the Trees know if my prince will consider me to be human eventually?”

Helaena stopped her fine needlepoint and grew silent. The whispering of the trees filled the garden. Even the children gazed up from their toys. That look of hers was upon you. The look that saw something you would never fathom. The past, present, and future. She whispered, “The broken dragon needs a shell.”

You hoped her strange words would alleviate something. Never in the way you expected per usual. She returned to her needlepoint, a knowing smile on her lips.

In a different part of the castle, Aegon was in his cups, again. Aemond sat with with his long legs primly crossed. The one-eye groused, “What could you possibly want drunkard?” Aegon bemoaned, “I think I am attracted to my future wife.” His brother snorted and leaned on his elbow, waiting for elaboration. The elder brother continued, “She’s beautiful, strong-willed, sexily stubborn, long legs, nice tea-“

Aemond waved a hand, “No more. If you didn’t act like a right prat to the young crab then maybe she’d be more willing. I’m going to be blunt. The lady is not interested in a whore-mongering, khat snorting, drunk arsehole. My only advice is go grovel at her feet if your simple self hasn’t ruined that.” Aegon shoved some bread in his mouth and bolted, leaving the second son to shaking his head, a smirk on his thin lips.

Later that evening you had retired to your quarters, reading a book on the history of Yi Ti. The grand maester had lent it to you due to your fixation on the wild lands of Essos. Your eyes flickered up at a crash. Your betrothed fell in. Literally. You slammed your book down and spat, “Gods! A warning?” Aegon’s teary eyes met yours.

You remained seated and questioned, “What the hells are you doing here? Don’t bring your drunken nonsense to my quarters!” Aegon responded with an ungainly crawl to your knees. You batted off his grasping hands until he held them clenched on his thighs.

You deadpanned, “Did Otto put you up to this? No I’m not bedding you either.”

Aegon sniffled, shaking his head. You watched as his tangled tresses swung around. Pity grew in your stomach. You snapped, “Out with it?” Aegon asked so, so softly, “Can I hold your hands?” You remained skeptical until pausing to stare into his violet orbs. With a sniff you placed them into his palms. The prince’s warm hands enveloped yours, squeezing tightly.

He croaked, “I- I- fuck. I think something is wrong with me. Is it too late for forgiveness?”

“Of course something is wrong with you,” you ignored the man’s second question.

You jolted when the blonde shouted, “No!,” he grew quiet, “I mean no.”

He continued, “I was dumb. I need you. I’m cracked in the head, broken, nothing makes me happy anymore.”

You crossed your legs, dumbfounded at Aegon’s words. You questioned, “Is this a farce? You despise me…I despise you. This is a political union.”

Aegon’s wide eyes poured tears. He whimpered, “On the seven- just give me a chance. Let me try to be good to you m’lady. I don’t want to go into a loveless marriage like they did.” You knew he was mentioning his parents. Squeezing the distraught dragon’s hands you let out a soft noise.

You stated, “If we work together, I think this could be a good idea. Now quit your weeping. Let us go sit on a roof and we can make terms. Forgiveness is earned, not given.” Aegon nodded, holding onto your palms for dear life.

Aegon mumbled, “I don’t despise you. You’re just…intimidating. Someone I wish I could be.”

You sighed, “Maybe. Just maybe I do not despise you. Just need some…discipline.” You grabbed his palm and pressed a gentle kiss to it, the prince’s breath hitching. Happy tears sprung to his sullen face. You hoped you were making a good idea and could have fun from the broken dragon’s changes.

#aegon ii targaryen #hotd fanfic #aegon targaryen x reader #aemond targaryen #request #house celtigar #Celtigar!reader #proposals and politics oh my #Aegon gets his ass kicked

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