update I have been in SUCH a good mood today and I love talking to people <3

top 5 things you like about each of jo boys?

oh like five things for each of them? i hope so because that’s how I understood it so im sorry if I just made this unnecessarily long 😭🩷

Bojan

- i love how hardworking he is, like i know people often get worried about him not resting enough but i do admire it a lot and i think it’s a big key to his success

- i also love how he’s trying so hard to make every fan that approaches him seen

- surprisingly, I do fucking love that he was fighting with me when he disagreed on something, that he wasn’t just kissing his fans ass but was bitchy and funny and real

- he genuinely does have one of the most beautiful and powerful voices I’ve ever heard and every day im in awe of it

- i love his dumb humor, like his dad jokes are so awful i love them

Jan

- fuck that he’s famous, talking to him was probably one of the nicest conversations I’ve ever had with a man? He’s so sweet and asks you questions back and doesn’t treat you any different, like I’ve mentioned once that meeting them has changed my opinions on them and it actually made me believe jan has the best personality out of all of them

- he’s so so fucking funny, he doesn’t even try but everything he says is fucking hilarious

- i love how he doesn’t try to fit in at all, he’s just himself at all times and couldn’t care less about trying to be pleasant

- the way he’s playing music feels so raw and authentic and it makes me transfer to another place

- i genuinely love his style and look so so much ive never been so amazed by the way someone looks like im about him

Jure

- even tho it’s kinda a big contrast to the others i do appreciate that Jure just decided to be very private

- he’s extremely sweet but it doesn’t feel fake

- i love the way he loves the other boys and the way they’re seemingly his whole world, i think it’s very adorable

- it’s super nice how when he’s talking to people he’s making them feel very special and nice

- i will admit that i do not know much about him but anything that i learn about is very cool and i think i would love to be friends with him which i dont think would be possible with all of them

Kris

- he’s so so real and honest, i think he would rather be disliked than be what he’s not and even tho i sometimes don’t get some of his thoughts i do appreciate his honesty

- i love the progress he’s made from the “ew make up” to be Damon’s muse, that’s a personal growth i absolutely love to see

- i think he’s very intelligent and i do find it very attractive

- this is just personal experience but in berlin when i met him he kinda looked like he would rather be in the bus but he still remained so polite and sweet and even tho it was awkward as fuck I appreciated the effort he made towards fans even tho he’s apparently very introverted

- i fucking love his lyrics

Nace

- i love his little bitchy sassy personality so much, everyone always sees him like such a nice boy but he’s the most likely to stand up for himself and i love it

- he is such a sweet boy tho and I think he does have this beautiful talent of making people feel loved

- i love his stage presence and i love the way he’s slowly getting so much more confident there

- I’ve never seen anyone to ever care so much about fans and spent so much of their day to interact with them, he seems so so grateful and down to earth and it’s very validating

- his bass playing has stopped numerous of my panic attacks and what more can i even say to explain my relationship to him lmao

~ miscellaneous tag game ~

tagged by the lovely @mutantmanifesto and @dontirrigateme <3

Favorite place in the world you’ve visited?

rough draw but munich! 'twas gorgeous and also where I got engaged

Something you’re proud of yourself for?

dragging my ass through college in two years and double majoring. nearly killed me but by god it's done

Favorite books?

the awakening by kate chopin - the woman in white by wilkie collins - all quiet on the western front by erich maria remarque - a tree grows in brooklyn by betty smith - letters from the 442nd by min masuda

Something that makes your heart happy when thinking about it?

mah wife (borat voice)

Favorite thing about your culture?

god what even is my culture. how unhinged would i sound if i said swamps and rigatoni

When did you join the HBO War fandom? What was the first show you watched?

joined about three years ago but not on tumblr, but watched the pacific first

Have you read any of Easy Company’s books? If so, which ones were your favorite?

no because i. have a reading list and they aren't up in the queue lmao

Favorite HBO War character and your favorite moment with them?

leckie. he’s like. webster if webster was a wet cat what’s not to love. favorite moment is all moments ever EXCEPT for the sex scenes because what kind of hallucinogen did i take to have to watch that

Do you make content for any fandoms, if so; what sort of content?

i write fic and am. a little consumed by it at all times. i also make edits but am going through a bit of a rut with that so for now only writing thank you

Favorite actor/actress and your favorite film of theirs?

eliza dushku for her wonderful performances in buffy the vampire slayer and angel (i'm gay. can you tell)

Favorite quote/s that you wish to share with others?

just this entire dick allen poem which is luztoye coded forever and ever

Random fact your mutuals/followers don’t know about you?

hm. idk. i once got bit by a raccoon in a bayou and had to get rabies shots for the next two weeks

If you’re a writer, do you need a beta reader (say yes so I can be your beta reader 🤭)?

i write everything by hand and then put in in the Computer which is like. a built in beta edit. and then mah wife (borat voice) betas for me because she's wonderful

Three things that make you smile?

mah wife (borat voice) (i'm predictable)

our air purifier (i’m old)

our vintage dog teapot

Any nicknames you like?

my name is three letters long like there's not a lot of leeway there. i went by adelasia for a while which is my middle name but like. that's it. does papera count

List some people you love to see around on tumblr!

@lamialamia is the pillar of my entire person at all times and genuinely one of the nicest people i’ve ever met. linh wrote this wonderful fic for the secret santa exchange, which i am currently reading and fawning over

@staud is easily one of the talented people in the entire hbo war fandom and has the fucking VISION for gifs and videos. most recent of which i’ve watched (and panicked about) being an incredible eugene sledge video. erin is also just fucking funny bro idk what to tell you

@mutantmanifesto is someone that is like. genuinely a celebrity to me. every time i see lenora’s drawings anywhere i have flashbacks like i’m in the louvre. also just a wonderful person with incredible taste

@ep6bastogne is on a tumblr hiatus right now but always deserves a shoutout. she did incredible edits of skinny sisk, eugene roe, ron speirs, and david webster for the secret santa exchange that changed my brain chemistry forever and is one of the warmest people i’ve ever talked to

@ewipandora is someone that i’m ALWAYS holding hands with <3. both a genuinely funny and wonderful person and has incredible taste in reblogs. ewi is currently doing a band of brothers ship series that i plan to Consume as soon as possible because i have no doubt that they’re incredible

@dcyllom is an incredibly underrated and kind part of my Dashboard Experience™ and is also just wonderful and one of my favorite Tumblr People :)

@educationalporpoises is a genius and an INCREDIBLE writer. zee was my secret santa gifter and this luztoye fic knocked it all the way out of the park and into the cemetery, which is how hard it slayed. also wins for best mutual handle

@almost-a-class-act is ridiculously supportive and kind, and a backbone of the hbo war fandom forever and always. sam’s also one of the best fucking writers to ever grace this earth, with the most recent thing i’ve read being this top notch luztoye fic <3

What would you do during a zombie apocalypse?

die. girl i work in an er i'd be the first to go

Favorite movie?

ladri di biciclette for all time favorite movie ever. a perfect movie

Do you like horror movies?

it depends entirely on the level of homoerotism that can be found in those movies. and also if matthew lillard is in it

Tagging:

everyone mentioned above as well as anyone who wants to do it since i have no clue who’s been tagged :)

hi!! what you said about george being polite in his ad really made me wanna elaborate bc he just is so polite, isn't he? i feel like he's an enigma of a person and it takes a while of watching him to figure him out but one of the first things i noticed about him was how polite he is and it just stuck with me. when he's on streams of people he's not extremely close with like the chess tournament or even wilbur's geoguessr stream he's always more calm and behaves as appropriately as possible, no matter how much his friends egg him on. he thanks them and says goodbye to them at the end the same way he does to his audience when he gets subs or ends stream, like five times in a row bc he might not be good with words but repeating them is enough to show how much he means them. he turns off donos when he can't thank them & always answers the ones he can see in the nicest way possible no matter how weird they are, it shows when he's playing among us with people he doesn't know super well and when he listens to chat for every tiny thing. not that any of his friends are doing anything wrong but a lot of them often get mad at chat (rightfully so) and take over places with their loud personalities and are very direct even with people they don't know well and george always comes off as extremely polite and it's sweet!

my point is just that george has very good manners and i hope you don't mind my ramble about it :))

!!

i’m so sorry i’m replying to this so late but i wanted to give you a proper answer because your ask is truly lovely, my comment in the tags was offhand but oh my god yes yes yes and i’ve thought abt his kindness a lot

you’re completely right that he is so polite + nice to anyone he meets, he sticks around in calls to talk to others and gets along with them no matter how long he’s known them and i’ve missed mcc lately exactly for this reason, the conversations he’s had post-tournament have been some of my favourite parts of the streams because he’s just such a friendly guy? and there’s something genuinely lovely abt seeing him linger in a call filled with other people some of which he’s met for the first time, enjoying their presence and just earnestly having a good time...even if he gets a little quieter without his friends or people he properly knows he’ll still laugh!! and contribute, he’ll still offer up his time and presence and be sociable and that’s so likeable of him

i couldn’t agree more that he’s the sweetestt to his audience i think ppl don’t pick up on, or more like it’s not a thing to mention how kind george is to his fans because as usual he isn’t particularly loud abt it but it’s in the many little accommodating things he does, exactly like you mentioned w the donos and how gentle he is when answering and caring about fan input so much and also not to mention how he writes down ppls names to check their art/dms and genuinely does check

and not to sound repetitive at this point but he really is especially kind and considerate w us, i totally get what you mean abt streamers snapping at their audience and hey i’m not gonna act like they’re not in the right sometimes but i’ve actually talked to someone about this before and as much as i understand putting viewers in their place i think when dealing with a younger audience a certain amount of care is needed there? and george, i’m sure being aware of his age demographic has never been overly harsh w us and he mostly takes things in stride, addressing stuff if he has to w the utmost patience, maturity and understanding and it’s something i really do admire

george is very good-mannered and just a lovely kind soul all round and i really loved reading what you had to say so thank you for your thoughts so much! <3

New Q&A with Alexander Skarsgård and Esquire Middle East

‘Alexander Skarsgård on pro wrestling, death metal, the joys of Godzilla vs Kong’ - by William Mullally, March 25, 2021

The Swedish star speaks to Esquire Middle East about his latest film, being home in Stockholm, and staying ripped for The Northman during quarantine

Alexander Skarsgård did not have the 2020 the rest of us did. There was no quiet quarantine, no tubs of ice cream devoured at three in the morning, no existential boredom, no staring out the window as we wondered if we’d ever be able to start doing things again.

No, Skarsgård had to spend the year staying in the best shape of his life to play an honest-to-god Viking warrior and Nordic prince Amleth in Robert Eggers’ upcoming epic The Northman. Not that he minded, of course.

Skarsgård is in a very good place. Before The Northman, he filmed Godzilla vs. Kong, which was one of the most joyful experiences of his career. It’s a film that is much better than anyone could have hoped, that fixes the flaws of the previous outings of the franchise in Kong: Skull Island and Godzilla: King of Monsters by making its supporting characters actually interesting to follow—including Skarsgård’s turn as a conspiracy-loving mad scientist named Nathan Lind—and making the battle between the legendary behemoths the stuff of Hulk Hogan vs. Andre the Giant.

Esquire Middle East caught up with the 44-year-old Swedish actor, who is aging like a vampire, fittingly enough, over Zoom ahead of the film’s release.

Read the full ESQ&A with Alexander Skarsgård below:

Alex, it’s great to see you again. How are you?

I’m pretty good. You’re in Dubai, right? I’m in Stockholm, Sweden at the moment.

How long have you been home?

I’ve been here for two months now since I wrapped The Northman.

How’s that been?

Yeah, it's been really nice. I mean, it's obviously a difficult time, but considering everything, I'm lucky, because everyone is doing alright. It's a nice opportunity for me, as I'm constantly on the road normally. It’s great to just be home, and not just for a week around Christmas or weekend over summer. I actually get to be here and spend some real time with my family.

You didn’t have any downtime in 2020?

Well, I was actually shooting for most of 2020. When the pandemic hit, I was in Belfast about to start filming the Northman, then we shut down for three months, and during that I had to train basically. It's a very physical role, so I had to keep working out. I was still in work mode for the whole lockdown. Then in July, we started shooting till the end of the year.

Did you prefer it that way?

I was very grateful to be able to work. It was definitely different from the normal set because we were completely isolated. We got tested three times a week and I basically lived in a bubble up in the hills of Northern Ireland and didn't see anyone didn't do anything for six months other than work and sleep and train.

I have a friend Adlai who lives in that village in Northern Ireland and I kept trying to get him to go break into your set because I needed to know more about this movie.

It was one of the most amazing experiences of my life. The most amazing experience.

You’ve been making a habit of working with great horror filmmakers, with Robert Eggers (The Witch) on the Northman, and Adam Wingard (You’re Next) on Godzilla vs. Kong.

What’s interesting about all these guys like Adam and Rob Eggers is they produce these really dark and twisted movies but they are two of the nicest human beings I've ever met. They're so sweet and genuine.

What do you and Adam like to talk about?

Death metal, probably. He's a big metal fan.

Are death metal people sweethearts, generally speaking?

Yeah, actually. Sometimes I feel like that's sometimes the case when you meet musicians in death metal bands they're like the sweetest, loveliest people who talk about their grandmothers and stuff.

Why do you think that is?

Maybe it's cathartic. It's a way to get out all that dark energy onto the big screen or as a musician onto an album.

Did you and Adam click immediately?

I met him years ago for another project. We didn’t end up working together on that but it was such a memorable meeting that we stayed in touch over the years. He’s not only a wonderful guy but so intelligent, such a film buff who knew everything about not only the horror genre, but even just films in general. When Godzilla vs Kong came up, I was just really excited to get an opportunity to work with him.

Were the words ‘Godzilla’ and ‘Kong’ enough for you, or did something specific draw you to this one?

I think it was a combination. I had just come off of a couple of really dark intense projects. I did the Little Drummer Girl, which is a limited series based on the John le Carré novel about conflicts in the Middle East, and I just come off Big Little Lies, two seasons of domestic abuse.

Did you just need something different?

It was just really two of the most rewarding experiences of my career but also really, really draining really intense experiences. I was just craving something fun and exciting. I hadn't done any big tent pole matinee-style movies and since Tarzan.

But you said it was a combination—are you also a Godzilla nerd?

Oh man, I was like a little boy. I just got giddy when I saw the renderings, the drawings, the storyboards, like the world that they wanted to create. I thought tonally they were the right people to make this kind of movie because I thought they had the balls to go all the way and make it as big and crazy and fun as it as I think it deserves to be, with the right amount of sarcasm and irony, but while still taking the topic seriously, and the characters seriously, and really caring about both Kong and Godzilla.

Did you and Adam share a lot creatively back and forth?

Oh, yeah. He would run up to me and ask what if they run into a creature that almost looks like an owl and start explaining how it works. And then you start sketching something on a piece of tissue. And then a week later, he would come back with something amazing that the visual artists have created. To be part of that from an early stage is so exciting to me.

As a pro wrestling fan, that balance of ironic and serious you mentioned sounds awfully familiar to me. Did you guys make a pro wrestling movie on purpose?

It’s a lot like pro wrestling. Like, you want the fights to be big spectacular, fun, and entertaining. But you want to care about the wrestlers, right? You want to root for them. I think Adam did such a great job in finding that tone. They beat the sh*t out of each other on an aircraft carrier, but you also want to connect with these creatures and care about them. The movie asks, what does Kong really wants other than beat up Godzilla? What is he longing for in life?

That’s exactly what I think when I watch the Undertaker throw Mankind off Hell in a Cell.

Absolutely!

Godzilla vs. Kong is in theaters now across the Middle East

https://www.esquireme.com/content/51448-alexander-skarsgard-on-pro-wrestling-death-metal-the-joys-of-godzilla-vs-kong-the-northman-interview

Photo from WarnerBros. Entertainment. Thanks to SophTop on Delish for the find!

a different type of high (spencer reid/reader) pt 5

Title: A Different Type of High (part five)

Request: no

Couple: spencer reid/gender-neutral!reader

Category: angst/fluff 

Content Warning: swearing, mentions of drug use/withdrawl, mentions of narcotics anonymous, anxiety, comments about someone’s weight (for like a quick second), mentions of smoking (cigarettes)

Word Count: 4,192

Summary: Reader goes to the BAU offices to meet the rest of the team, where they find out how Spencer met them. And reader and Emily have a heart to heart about their life.

A/N: i don’t have much to say here, other than thanks for reading this and loving it so much. I wasn’t expecting it to get as much attention as it’s getting! so thank you all for the love and support! check out my masterlist!

previous part    series masterlist    next part

{***}{***}{***}

A white and blue plastic tag was clipped to my nicest shirt. The word ‘VISITOR’ was printed in bright red at the bottom. I glanced at Spencer, feeling my anxiety start to rise in my stomach and up my throat. He seemed different here. I supposed he had to be different here because it was, indeed, his job. He had to pretend to not be a drug addict, and going through tough shit in life with some girl he met at NA. 

“Can we get lunch after?” I looked up at him as we stepped onto the elevator. Spencer was close beside me and it was nice having his presence so close to me. “Or coffee or something?” I looked back at the doors of the elevator. The lighting was more of a crispy white light, and I’m sure the rest of this building has this bright and blinding light.

“Of course… My treat since I brought you out here,” Spencer looked back down at me. He lifted an arm and wrapped it around back in a weird side hug. I swallowed and nodded before looking at the ground. 

“Do you know what we’re going to tell them?” I looked back up at him. And before he got the chance to answer, the elevator stopped and the doors slid open. I dropped my shoulders and looked at the now open doors.

Spencer looked down at me with an apologetic look in his eye. He slowly lifted his hand, offering it to me to hold as some sort of comfort. I stared at it for a moment before grasping it. I looked up at his face and forced a smile, silently telling him that we could move. The lobby was very open and large. A large glass window/door showed a series of desks and a few offices. And hallways led off of either side of the door to more offices. 

“We can stop at my desk first before we go see anyone,” Spencer whispered as we walked towards the doors. I looked back up at him and nodded. “Are you okay?” his voice filled with genuine worry.

“Yeah,” I mumbled and stayed close beside him. I wouldn’t dare tell him that I was scared shitless because then he’d feel bad for taking me here. And I don’t want him to feel bad because this was my decision to come here. He wanted me to meet his friends and family. In fact, I wanted to meet his friends and family. 

The expression on his face told me that he was worried. So, me trying to not make him feel bad wasn’t working out. I guess if I pretended like everything was okay and faked it all, he’d be okay. Spencer’s a smart man, he knows how to read people (I mean, that is basically his job). To be fair, I’ve never exactly imagined stepping foot in a government facility while I struggled with drugs. And, maybe the anxiety I was feeling wasn’t from meeting actual FBI agents, but instead, it was withdrawal...

“I didn’t know you played chess” I looked at the small chessboard on the desk we were walking towards. I only assumed it was his, it just had a vibe that suited him. “My mom showed me how to play when I was 12, but… It’s been a while since I last played,” I shrugged as I watched him collect a few things from his desk. They were a few beige/brown colored folders and books. I wondered what was in the folders, but it was probably classified information that a normal citizen, like me, wasn’t allowed to see.  

“Yeah, my mom taught me when I was younger. This was given to me by an old friend that I used to play with,” he looked at the set before moving a piece, “Keeps me busy when I’m bored,” he looked back at me and smiled. Something told me that he played fairly often when they weren’t working.

“You’ll have to reteach me how to play,” I shrugged, watching as he put everything in his bag. I looked around the office and noted just how many FBI agents were around, and I was starting to feel a certain anxiety rise in my stomach. No, no, this was definitely anxiety from being in an FBI facility, because of the illegally obtained drugs. Maybe a little bit of it was from the withdrawal.

“Okay, I’ll give you the tour then everyone should be up there,” he looked down at his watch before looking up at a room separated from the desks and other offices. 

“Sounds good,” I whispered. He walked beside me, bringing me back out of the room with the desks. A small shiver went through my body as we left the room. Spencer glanced down at me before wrapping an arm around my body, holding me close to him.

He brought me down one hall, showing me to the bathrooms and his friends' offices. There were a few other boring offices before he brought me down the opposing hall.  There wasn’t much other than more offices, but at the end of the hall, was another office owned by one of his friends. 

“She has other things to do so she won’t be joining us in the conference room,” Spencer spoke before knocking on the door. A faint, but cheery, ‘Come in’ came from the other side. Spencer looked back at me before opening up the door. “I promise you’ll like her,” he whispered before entering the room. I stayed close behind him, kinda hiding myself from the other human.

“What can I do ya for, Reid,” a woman asked, her tone filled with playful sarcasm. I bit back my lips and kept my eyes on my back. At least she sounded nice… “Wait, I thought you had the day off,” 

“Just came by to grab a few things. And I brought a special guest,” Spencer spoke as he reached behind him. I looked down at his hand before gently placing my hand in it. His fingers wrapped around mine and he carefully pulled me around to stand beside him. “This is Penelope Garcia,” he looked down at me with a smile. Penelope stood up from her chair to look at me. Spencer looked back at the woman and smiled before introducing me.

“Oh! You’re Reid’s friend! I’ve heard so much about you!” Penelope exclaimed as she pulled me into a hug. I froze as she embraced me, and I wanted nothing more than for Spencer to just pull me away from this situation. 

“You’ve… You’ve heard so much about me?” I asked, mostly to myself. What exactly did Spencer tell his friends about me? I guess I just assumed he didn’t talk about me at all. I looked up at Spencer with a raised eyebrow. I’m sure my expression told him that I was worried about everything she knows about me. 

“Goodness! You’re so skinny!” She added as she stepped away from me. I stared at her with wide eyes as I stepped further away from her and to stand closer to Spencer. Spencer looked at her with a raised eyebrow, silently telling her something. 

“Yeah it’s probably bc of my shitty life,” I thought to myself, “It’s nice meeting you,” I looked at her and smiled. My smile was very forced and felt very fake. Spencer knew that, and Penelope knew that. 

“If you ever need anything, anything at all, please feel free to call me. Even if it’s just to hang out,” she smiled at me. I swallowed roughly and nodded. “I know it can get pretty lonely while they’re working a case,” Penelope looked over at Spencer with a smile. I stared at her with wide eyes as I tried to figure this woman out.

“I’ll have to keep that in mind,” I nervously smile at her. Spencer glanced down at me as Penelope started talking about something. My anxiety was entirely too high to actually know what the fuck she was actually talking about. Could have been anything, honestly. But, from the basic gist that I was getting, she was just asking me a million questions and Spencer was answering them.  But, the one question we both avoided was ‘So, how did you meet our precious Boy Wonder?’, like we were in some sort of relationship, even though we were just really good friends. It still scared me though, mostly because we’ll have to answer that question in a matter of minutes.

“Well, I think the others are in the conference room,” Spencer looked down at me as he wrapped an arm around my shoulder. I looked up at him and faked a smile before looking over at Penelope. 

“It was nice meeting you, Penelope,” I made sure to keep my fake smile on my lips as I looked at her. She dropped her shoulders before going to give me another hug, which I accepted even though I didn’t really want to hug.

“It was so nice meeting you too! I hope we can hang out! And I hope I can see you again soon,” she placed her hands on my shoulders and smiled. I looked up at Spencer and smiled softly. The smile Penelope gave Spencer was awfully cheery smile before she actually allowed us to leave.  

I glanced up at Spencer once we were in the hallway and away from Penelope’s office. 

“I’m… I’m sorry for her,” he whispered as he grabbed my hand. I raised an eyebrow and shrugged.

“It’s okay, I think,” my voice was even lower than his. The uncertainty in my tone caused Spencer to look down at me. I didn’t want to tell him that Penelope was overwhelming, while we were still in the building with hundreds of FBI agents. “Just as long as everyone else is chill and they don’t ask a million questions,” I looked at him with a shy smile.

“They’ll probably ask a bunch of questions, but not a million miles an hour,” Spencer laughed lightly. The closer we got to the main office areas, the more anxious and nervous I got. I mean, I was already nervous, but this was just making it worse. It was incredibly hard not to go into autopilot mode and just fake my way through the whole interaction. But then they’d know something was wrong with me. I’m sure the pure exhaustion on my face, the skinniness of my body, and the weird mood I was already in were all good signs of something being wrong with me. Maybe they won’t question it all to my face? 

 “Do you know how you’ll answer the thousand dollar question? The one that I worry about the most?” I kept my voice low because I didn’t want a stray agent to hear my question and Spencer’s answer of ‘Oh, I was just going to tell them we met at narcotics anonymous,’. Because I just know he’s going to tell them that.

Unfortunately for me, Spencer didn’t actually answer my question. He just stayed quiet. Which caused me to have a mild heart attack as we walked back into the main office area and up a small staircase. It wasn’t until we were at a door that he answered me. 

He turned and faced me, a slight worried look in his eye. I couldn’t exactly tell what it was about though. So, that’s when my mind started running wild with all the worst possibilities. What if he already told them? And this isn’t him bringing me to meet his team, his friends, his family. No, this is him bringing me in, to go to jail. He’s been lying to me this whole time… Shit, fuck, shit… I don’t know what to do. 

Spencer must have seen something, my sudden fear, flash in my eyes. Part of me wanted to turn and run, but that’d cause too much of a scene. I’d probably have more Federal Agents on me than behind this stupid door. Whatever. 

My body partly turned, and I could feel my legs wanting to move, but I was honestly paralyzed. Spencer lifted a hand and rested it on my shoulder, stopping me from moving any further. His touch was very gentle, and I stopped all movement there. I nearly had to convince myself to actually breathe and blink. 

“It’s okay. There’s no reason to be scared…” he whispered as he pulled his hand from me. I swallowed roughly as I looked at him. My heart was going a million miles a second, and it just wouldn’t slow. “I was… I was just thinking… We should just tell them,” his voice, just like his touch, was gentle. Don’t fall for this. There’s still a chance that he was lying, that this was all a ruse. Well, wait… Why else would he want to tell them…

“You think… you… You want to tell them? Spencer, I,” I stopped talking and swallowed roughly, feeling my anxiety go higher and higher as the time passed, “I’ve barely been clean for 2 months, Spencer. You know I almost… And you… You want to tell them that you met someone at Narcotics Anonymous… Where people go… when they’re addicted to drugs… because you’re… I don’t think that’s a good-”

“Trust me. Can you do that? They won’t be mad. I think they’ll be happy that I have friends outside of work, and that I’m getting the help I need. And, that you’re getting the help you need. Two months is a big accomplishment. Even if you were clean for a day… That’d be a big accomplishment. But this is the first time you’ve made it this before,” Spencer whispered, a soothing and warm smile on his lips. I couldn’t help but return the smile, trying to hide my face from him as a very sudden embarrassment took over. “You don’t even have to tell them where we met. I’ll do it,” he whispered before grasping my hand again. I swallowed roughly and nodded.

“Okay, okay,” I looked down at the ground and nodded. 

“Ready?” his voice still a whisper. I looked up at him and nodded.

“Now or never, I suppose,” I shrugged. Spencer looked at my face, a worried crease in his eyebrows and in his eyes. He slowly turned to the door to open in it. It was taking everything in me to calm myself down, and to convince myself that I was not going to be arrested. 

Spencer pushed the door open and led me into the office. The least he could have done was warn about how many people would be on the other side of the door. I thought I was freaking out before. But standing in front of me were 4 other Federal Agents, and standing beside me was another. This was bad… This was really bad.

“This is Jennifer, Derek, and Aaron,” Spencer spoke, gesturing towards each person, “And of course you’ve met Emily,” he looked towards Emily. I smiled at each of them and nodded as Spencer gave them my name. “Where’s Gideon?” 

“Office. Should be up in a minute,” Aaron looked up from his folder and at Spencer and me, “It’s nice meeting you,” he looked right at me and nodded. I stared at him and nodded lightly.

“Where did you two meet,” Jennifer looked at me as she walked around the table to stand in front of me and Spencer. I froze like “I was in a freezer” froze. “A deer in headlights” froze. I slowly looked up at Spencer with my eyebrows raised.

“Yeah, where does my man, Spencer Reid, meet a person like you,” Derek then asked as he leaned against the table. His eyes looked up and down at me, checking me out… Or was he looking for something out of the ordinary? I could feel my breathing stop, yet simultaneously picking up. 

“I actually… We met at Narcotics Anonymous,” Spencer’s voice was real low, so quiet as he spoke. The air in the room got tense, so tense that it was suffocating. Everyone looked at Spencer, and just Spencer, with shock on their faces. For the first time since I entered this building, I felt invisible. Which, I guess, was good. But bad at the same time. Because, if I’m invisible to them right now, that means a high beam is on Spencer and shit could go down. 

“Reid,” Derek started but stopped when Spencer looked at him, silently telling him to stop. The grip Spencer had on my hand tightened, and it scared me. Mostly because he probably realized that this was a mistake and he’s scared now. Which, in turn, only scared me more.

“We’re both clean. I swear, we’re both clean,” he looked back at everyone. I knew he was lying, but I think that’s okay that I was the only one who knew he was lying. Granted, he was doing everything he could to get better, but… I understand being stressed, or anxious, or scared, and wanting to just turn to a weakness that could kill you. Last week, for instance… I got scared of nothing and almost made a big mistake. “I know I should have said something sooner, told you the truth instead of keeping it from you. But…”

“Spence,” Jennifer looked over at Spencer with wide eyes. She stepped away from the table before hugging him, hard. I looked at the pair hugging, wishing I had someone like that to hug me when they find out I’m going through a “rough time”. “I wish we knew… We could have… We would have helped,” she stepped away from him, resting her hands on his shoulders. I looked at her before looking down at the ground. 

“I’m… I’m gonna go to the bathroom,” I muttered before quickly rushing away from the others. More words would be exchanged between Spencer and his co-workers, his friends, his family. A family I don’t have and will probably never have. Whatever… Whatever, I’m happy he’ll have a great support system.

Once I found my way to the bathroom, I locked myself in a stall and could feel myself begin to hyperventilate. Tears were streaming down my cheeks, and my hands quickly went to my face to hide from the world. Although, I was hiding in my own world, behind the bathroom doors, in a small stall. 

My world wasn’t necessarily collapsing around me, but it felt like that. My head spun and my chest felt like it was going to explode. This sudden anxiety attack wasn’t something I was 100% expecting to happen. Although, the anxiety I was feeling beforehand was probably just building up, and I was just pushed to the edge before I broke down.

“Are you alright in here?” A familiar voice asked from outside the stall. I froze before wiping my nose. It was hard being silent, pretending like I didn’t exist. “I know you’re in here. You told us you were going to the bathroom, and I heard you sniffling just a moment ago,” she continued with a small chuckle. I looked down at the ground before standing up and pushing out of the stall. 

Emily was standing against the counter, leaning right in front of where the door was. She looked at me with a distressed look on her face. Shit, they got Spencer, and now they’re going to get me… I glanced at the door, before looking back at Emily. I could feel my body moving before I gave it the okay. My feet going quick towards the door.

“I’m not going to arrest you,” Emily quickly said as she stepped in front of me to stop me from running away, “And, we’re not going to arrest Spencer either,” she laughed lightly as she looked down at me. I looked up at her with wide eyes. “You can calm down. I promise. I’m just making sure you’re okay… You’d been in here for a while, and Spencer was worried about you,” she calmly explained as she rested a hand on my shoulder. I looked at her before nodding lightly. 

“You’re… You’re not just saying that?” I whispered, keeping my eyes on her. Because surely if I looked away from her, she’d do something I didn’t want happening. 

“I promise you, I’m not just saying that,” she reassured. I nodded and looked at the ground, “Are you okay?” She actually asked, pulling her hands away from my body.

“Yeah, I’m okay,” I nodded as I cautiously looked up at her. She raised an eyebrow, silently telling me that she knew I was lying. I looked back at the ground and shrugged. “What?”

“I’ve been in this line of work long enough to know when people are lying… And to know when people are not okay,” she whispered, her voice so soft and gentle. She was genuinely concerned about me. I’ve only met her once before, and she seemed very nice. 

“I’m not okay,” I whispered as I looked at her. I don’t remember the last time I was honest with someone about my feelings. 90% of the time I lie at meetings because I don’t want a bunch of actual crackheads knowing that I’m depressed. “I think… I think seeing Spencer with everyone… And everyone being supportive…” I started but allowed my words to trail off, mostly because I didn’t really want to say I was jealous of my best friend. 

“Oh, I see,” Emily whispered as she leaned against the counter in front of me. I looked at her before looking down at the ground, then over at the door, then back at the ground. 

“Yeah, I’ve never really had a support system like he does, now, and…” I sighed deeply and looked up at her again, “I just have Spencer, and that’s a little hard when we’re both trying… To… Ya know,” I whispered and shrugged. 

“Well, I don’t know if Spencer told you this… But, any friend or family of his is a friend or family of the team. I know we’ve only met once before, but I’d gladly be a support team for you,” she whispered, and I honestly couldn’t tell if she was just telling me what I wanted to hear. But part of me knew she was telling the truth.

“You guys aren’t, like, mad or anything that Spencer was doing drugs? Or like... That he made friends with a dru-recovering drug addict,” I looked up at her, very cautiously. 

“We’re just happy he, and you, are getting the help you both need. We’re all just surprised he kept it to himself for as long as he did,” she explained. I nodded and looked down at the ground.

“And, like… He’s not going to get fired, is he? He said it wasn’t his fault that this happened,” I sighed as I looked at her. 

“Spencer’s not going to lose his job. He’s too loved and too much of an asset,” she laughed lightly. I returned the laughter and nodded.

“Yeah, yeah, he’s pretty smart…” I rubbed the underside of my nose and shrugged, “The first time we kinda hung out… He kept telling me that smoking can take 6 minutes of your life away to get me to stop,” 

“Did it work?” Emily asked, a playful chuckle in her tone. I laughed and nodded.

“Kinda. I mean… I smoke every so often, but not as much as I used to,” I sighed as I looked up at her, “I still do it when he isn’t around. But when he’s around I forget things… Like… The shit hand I was dealt. Ya know? Like, he gives me something else to think about,” I furrowed my eyebrows as I spoke. Emily cocked her head to her shoulder and looked up at my face. I looked at her, feeling my face relax.

“Like what?” She asked. I could feel a small smile slowly growing on my lips. She returned the smile, kinda knowing what I meant. “It’s okay. You don’t have to say. We should probably go back out there, don’t you think? They might be looking for us,” she laughed and gestured towards the door. I looked towards the door one last time. 

“Yeah, yeah,” I nodded before stepping closer to the door, “Spencer said something earlier about lunch, and I’m starved.” I laughed and walked beside Emily.

“Where were you guys going?” 

“I’m not sure, do you know of any good places,” I looked over at her. She thought for a moment and cocked her head.

“There’s a really good deli down the street, I’m sure Spencer would love it there. They serve coffee and I’m sure you know how he feels about coffee,” She chuckled lightly.

“Whenever he stays at my apartment, he always insists we get coffee because I don’t have any,” I shook my head before laughing. Emily nearly cackled and nodded.

“Sounds like him,”

“What are you two laughing about,” Spencer looked over at Emily and I as we re-entered the conference room. I looked over at him with a smile.

“Uh, lunch,”

series taglist: @shameleswhorehourstm , @itsametaphorbriansblog , @bxtchboy69 , @sammypotato67 , @seninjakitey , @thebluetint , @honestlystop , @herecomesthewriterwitch , @mediocrity-atitsfinest​

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hmmmmmmmmmm maybe i’ll write an Introspective Musing Post about my relationship to religion and their depiction in stories because i’ve pondering about this topic lately

so for those who are reading this and DON’T know what’s been going on...  there’s this webcomic i fell in love with some years ago, about six years actually, that depicts a post-apocalyptic fantasy/horror adventure set in the nordic countries. it had, and has still, some very uncomfortable flaws regarding racial representation, and the creator has historically not dealt very well with criticism towards it. it’s a whole Thing. my relationship with this comic has fluctuated a lot, since there are a lot of elements in it i DO love and i still feel very nostalgic about, and like idk i felt like i trust my skills in critical thinking enough to keep reading. aaand then the creator went a teensy bit off the deep end created a whole minicomic which is like... a lukewarm social media dystopia where christians are oppressed (and also everyone is a cute bunny, including our lord and saviour jesus christ). which is already tonedeaf enough considering there are religious people who DO get prosecuted for their faith, like, that’s an actual reality for a lot of people - but as far as i can tell, usually not christians. and then there’s an afterword that’s like, “anyway i got recently converted and realized i’m a disgusting human being full of sin who doesn’t deserve redemption but jesus loves me so i’ll be fine!! remember to repent for your sins xoxo” and a bunch of other stuff and IT’S KIND OF REALLY CONCERNING i have, uh, been habitually looking at the reactions to and discussions around this, maybe it’s not very self care of me but there’s a lot of overwhelming things rn and it’s fantastically distracting, yknow? like, overall this situation is fairly reminiscent of the whole jkr thing. creator of a series that is Fairly Beloved, does something hurtful, handles backlash in a weird way, a lot of people start taking distance from Beloved Series or find ways to enjoy it on their own terms, creator later reveals to have been fully radicalized and releases a whole manifesto, and any and all criticism gets framed as harassment and proving them right. of course, one of them is a super rich person with a LOT of media power and a topic that is a lot more destructive in our current zeitgeist, and the other is an independent webcomic creator, so it’s  not the same situation. just similar vibez ya feel as a result of this, i have been Thinking. and just this feels like some sort of defeat like god dammit she got me i AM thinking about the topic she wrote about!!! i should dismiss the whole thing!!! but thinking about topics is probably a good thing so hey lets go. me, i’m agnostic. i understand that this is a ‘lazy’ position to take, but it’s what works for me. i simply do not vibe with organized religion, personally. (i had the wikipedia page for ‘chaos magic’ open in a tab for several weeks, if that helps.) i was raised by atheists in a majorly atheist culture. christian atheist, i should specify. norway has been mostly and historically lutheran, and religion has usually been a private and personal thing. it turns out the teacher i had in 7th grade was mormon, but i ONLY found out because he showed up in a tv series discussing religious groups in norway later, and he was honestly one of the best teachers i have ever had - he reignited the whole class’ interest in science, math, and dungeons and dragons. it was a real “wait WHAT” moment for my teenage self. i think i was briefly converted to christianity by my friend when i was like 7, who grew up in a christian family (i visited them a couple times and always forgot they do prayers before dinner. oops!), but like, she ALSO made me believe she was the guardian of a secret magic orb that controls the entire world and if i told anybody the world would burn down in 3 seconds. i only suspected something was off when one day the Orb ran on batteries, and another day the Orb had to be plugged in to charge. in my defense i really wanted to be part of a cool fantasy plot. i had no idea how to be a christian beyond “uuuuh believe in god i guess” so it just faded away on its own. when i met this friend several years later, she was no longer christian. i think every childhood friend of mine who grew up in a christian family, was no longer christian when they grew up. most notably my closest internet friend whose family was catholic - she had several siblings, and each of them took a wildly different path, from hippie treehugger to laveyan satanist or something in that area. (i joined them for a sermon in a church when they visited my town. my phone went off during it because i had forgotten to silence it. oops!) ((i also really liked their mother’s interpretation of purgatory. she explained it as a bath, not fire. i like that.)) i have never had any personal negative experiences with christianity, despite being openly queer/gay/trans. the only time someone has directly told me i’m going to hell was some guy who saw me wearing a hoodie on norway’s constitution day. yeah i still remember that you bastard i’ve sworn to be spiteful about it till the day i die!! i’ve actually had much more insufferable interactions with the obnoxious kind of atheists - like yes yes i agree with you on a lot but that doesn’t diminish your ability to be an absolute hypocrite, it turns out? i remember going to see the movie ‘noah’ with a friend who had recently discovered reddit atheism and it was just really exhausting to discuss it with her. one of these Obnoxious Atheists is my Own Mother. which is a little strange, honestly, because she LOVES visiting churches for the Aesthetic and Architecture. we cannot go anywhere without having to stop by a pretty church to Admire and Explore. I’VE BEEN IN SO MANY CHURCHES FOR AN ATHEIST RAISED NON-CHRISTIAN. i’ve been to the vatican TWICE (i genuinely don’t even know how much of my extended family is christian. up north in the tiny village i come from, i believe my uncle is the churchkeeper, and it’s the only building in the area that did not get burnt down by the the nazis during ww2 - mostly because soldiers needed a place to sleep. still don’t know whether or not said uncle believes or not, because hey, it’s Personal) i think my biggest personal relationship to religion, and christianity specifically, has been academic. yeah, we learned a brief synopsis of world religions at school (and i remember the class used to be called ‘christianity, religion, and ethics’ and got changed to ‘religion, beliefs, and ethics’ which is cool. it was probably a big discourse but i was a teen who didnt care), but also my bachelor degree is in art history, specifically western art history because it’s a vast sprawling topic and they had to distill it as best they could SIGHS. western art history is deeply entangled with the history of the church, and i think the most i’ve ever learnt about christianity is through these classes (one of my professors wrote an article about how jesus can be interpreted as queer which i Deeply Appreciate). i also specifically tried to diversify my academic input by picking classes such as ‘depiction of muslims and jewish people in western medieval art’ and ‘art and religion’ when i was an exchange student in canada, along with 101 classes in anthropology and archaeology. because i think human diversity and culture is very cool and i want to absorb that knowledge as best as i can. i think my exchange semester in canada was the most religiously diverse space have ever been in, to be honest. now as an adult i have more christian friends again, but friends who chose it for themselves, and who practice in ways that sound good and healthy, like a place of solace and community for them. the vast majority of my friends are queer too, yknow?? i’ve known too many people who have seen these identities as fated opposites, but they aren’t, they’re just parts of who people are. it’s like... i genuinely love people having their faiths and beliefs so much. i love people finding that space where they belong and feel safe in. i love people having communities and heritages and connections. i deeply respect and admire opening up that space for faith within any other communities, like... if i’m going to listen to a podcast about scepticism and cults, i am not going to listen to it if it’s just an excuse to bash religion. i think the search for truth needs to be compassionate, always. you can acknowledge that crystals are cool and make people happy AND that multi level marketing schemes are deeply harmful and prey on people in vulnerable situaitons. YOU KNOW???? so now’s when i bring up Apocalypse Comic again. one of the things i really did like about it was, ironically, how it handled religion. in its setting, people have returned to old gods, and their magic drew power from their religion. characters from different regions had different beliefs and sources. in the first arc, they meet the spirit of a lutheran pastor, who ends up helping them with her powers. it was treated as, in the creators own words, ‘just another mythology’. and honestly? i love that. it was one of the nicest depictions i’ve seen of christianity in fiction, and as something that could coexist with other faiths. I Vibe With That. and then, uh, then... bunny dystopia comic. it just... it just straight up tells you christianity is literally the only way to..?? be a good person??? i guess?? i’m still kind of struggling to parse what exactly it wanted to say. the evil social media overlord bird tells you the bible makes you a DANGEROUS FREETHINKER, but the comic also treats rewriting the bible or finding your own way to faith as something,, Bad. The Bible Must Remain Unsullied. Never Criticize The Bible. also, doing good things just for social media clout is bad and selfish. you should do good things so you don’t burn in hell instead. is that the message? it reads a lot like the comic creator already had the idea for the comic, but only got the urge to make it after she was converted and needed to spread the good word. you do you i guess!! i understand that she’s new to this and probably Going Through Something, and this is just a step on her journey. but the absolute self-loathing she described in her afterword... it does not sound good. i’m just some agnostic kid so what do i know, but i do not think that kind of self-flagellating is a kind faith to have for yourself. i might not ever have been properly religious, but you know what i AM familiar with? a brain wired for ocd and intrusive thoughts. for a lot of my life i’ve struggled with my own kind of purity complex. i’ve had this really strange sensitivity for things that felt ‘tainted’. i’ve experienced having to remove more and more words from my vocabulary because they were Bad and i did not want to sully my sentences. it stacked, too - if a word turned out to be an euphemism for something, i could never feel comfortable saying it again. i still struggle a bit with these things, but i have confronted these things within myself. i’ve had to make myself comfortable with imperfection and ‘tainted’ things and accept that these are just, arbitrary categories my mind made up. maybe that’s the reason i can’t do organized religion even if i found one that fit for me - just like diets can trigger disordered eating, i think it would carve some bad brainpaths for me. so yeah i’m worried i guess! i’m worried when people think it’s so good that she finally found the correct faith even if it’s causing all this self-hate. is there really not a better way? or are they just trusting she’ll find it? and yeah it’s none of my concern, it’s like, i worry for jkr too but i do not want her within miles of my trans self thANKS. so like, i DO enjoy media that explores faith and what it means for you. my favourite band is the oh hellos, which DOES draw on faith and the songwriter’s experience with it. because of my religious iliteracy most of it has flown over my head for years and i’m like “oh hey this is gay” and then only later realize it was about god all along Probably. i like what they’ve done with the place. also, stormlight archive - i had NO idea sanderson was mormon, the way he writes his characters, many of whom actively discuss religion and their relationship to it. i love that about the books, honestly. Media That Explores Religion In A Complex And Compassionate Way... we like that i’ve been thinking about my own stories too, and how i might want to explore faith in them. most of my settings are based on magic and it’s like, what role does religion have in a world where gods are real and makes u magic. in sparrow spellcaster’s story, xe creates? summons? an old god - brings them to life out of the idea of them. it’s a story about hubris, mostly. then there’s iphimery, the story where i am actively fleshing out a pantheon. there’s no doubt the gods are real in the fantasy version of iphimery, they are the source of magic and sustain themselves on slivers of humanity in exchange. but in the modern version, where they are mostly forgotten? that’s some room for me to explore, i think. especially the character of timian, who comes from a smaller town and moves to a large and diverse city. in the fantasy story, the guardian deity chooses his sister as a vessel. in the modern setting, that does not happen, and i don’t yet know what does, but i really want timian to be someone who struggles with his identity - his faith, his sexuality, the expectations cast upon him by his hometown... i’m sure it’s a cliché story retold through a million gay characters but i want to do it too okay. i want to see him carve out his own way of existing within the world because i care him and want to see him thrive!!! alrighty i THINK that’s all i wanted to write. thanks if you read all of this, and if you didn’t that’s super cool have a nice day !

Homage (Pt 2)

a/n: hi, super sorry for the delay with this. this ended up being more amelia/link centric than I intended it to be, but I hope you enjoy anyway

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"Hey, let's just take a moment to step back and take a deep breath." Amelia turned around to face Link, feeling his hand on her shoulder in the motion of comfort he often made. "Whatever happens, I'm going to be right here, and you don't have to worry about losing me."

"Until my Mom tells you about every mistake I've ever made in my life and scares you off," she muttered, rolling her head to each side. Link brought his fingers up to press under her jawbone, lightly massaging the skin as he worked up to her temples.

"Relax. I've seen enough of your crazy to know what I'm getting myself into." She rolled her eyes at him.

"It's not funny."

"You're really worried about this? Amelia," Link lifted up her hand to stop her from picking at her nails, "I genuinely don't think that there is anything your mother could say to make me think differently of you. You've got me pretty hooked."

"When she and I talked about her coming to visit, it seemed so far away, and I was half-convinced it would never happen, so I felt fine talking to her about it, but now she's twenty minutes away in a cab, and I feel like I'm going to throw up." He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her close, pressing a slow kiss to her forehead. She sighed and leaned into his chest.

"If you're actually going to throw up, just let me know, so I'm not in the line of fire," he whispered, resting his head on top of hers.

"Why are you so calm? Shouldn't you be like, freaking out now that you're meeting my Mom as my boyfriend?" He pulled away and shrugged, holding her shaky hands in his.

"I don't feel much of an expectation, especially considering the relationship you have with her." She rolled her eyes again, dropping her hands from his and walking over to the table.

"Scout's asleep right now. Which means that he'll be awake just after she gets here, which means that he'll be fussing, and my mother will think that I'm incapable of calming my son down." Link raised his eyebrows and stifled a laugh, following her to where she was standing.

"Okay, can we just take a breath?" She met his eyes, inhaling deeply and exhaling as he did. "Your mother raised five children and has dozens of grandchildren; I'm sure that she has plenty of experience with babies, and she's not going to judge you if he cries."

"She might hate the apartment and think that we're raising our son in a space unfit for a baby."

"Hey, I love this apartment. It's very homey, and we have our own plans. We're not going to be living here forever; this is just a temporary space while we look at houses." She glanced around the space, eyeing the pile of toys in the corner of the living room. Link seemed to follow her gaze. "Kids play with toys. He's 16 months old; of course, he's going to have way too many toys."

"How do you manage to talk me down from every thought?" He shrugged again casually, moving over to organize the toys.

"I get used to living with you and your brain and how quickly it moves." Link held out his arm, motioning for her to come to join him. "Cleaning something will help you relax. Make you feel like you're fixing something, something you can touch and make better." She sighed dramatically and joined him, putting Scout's blocks away into the carrier neatly. Link continued to busy her for the next while, pointing out the minor things in the apartment that could be fixed. She froze at the sound of a knock on the door, her eyes widening in fear.

"She's here," Amelia muttered, straightening her appearance. "Crap, she's actually here."

"I'll get it-"

"No, I should." He watched as she stood still, and he placed his hand on her shoulder, lightly pushing her forward. "Okay, here I go." Link trailed behind her to the door, his hand settling on her back as a reminder he was there. She let out a deep breath and pulled at the door handle, straightening her posture. "Hey, Mom, oh-" The older Shepherd pulled her daughter into a tight hug, quickly muttering some complaint about her flight.

"And you too, come here," Link's body tensed as she pulled him into a hug, Amelia nearly laughing as his eyes widened comically. "Don't be shy; you're family too now, Atticus." He leaned back, nodding his head tentatively and cringing.

"Just Link. No one calls me Atticus." He offered his hand out, and Carolyn shooed it away.

"No need for formalities; where should I put my bags?" Link moved past her to grab the suitcase, groaning at the unexpected weight of it.

"Link will take you to the guest room. How about I go get Scout? He's been napping, so he might be a little grumpy-"

"Oh, don't wake him. If he's anything like you were as a baby, I'm sure he needs his nap time." Link rubbed his girlfriend's shoulder before motioning towards the guest room, leading the older woman to the space. He set the suitcase on the ground and let her know he'd leave her to unpack before exiting to join his girlfriend in the living room.

"First five minutes went well," he muttered, collapsing onto the couch. "Why am I already exhausted?" She looked back at him.

"We've got two more days of this; you can't be exhausted yet." Amelia walked over to the couch and sat next to him, leaning her head on his shoulder. "I am, too, though." The couple sat up simultaneously as their son called out. Amelia quickly pushed herself off the sofa and speed-walked down the hallway, stopping at the sight of her mother holding her son. "Oh, I can get him," she muttered, placing a hand on the doorframe.

"He's my grandson; I can handle him, Amelia." The neurosurgeon bit her lip as she watched her mother rock Scout back and forth.

"Momma," Scout muttered, holding his arm out towards where Amelia was standing. She grinned and walked over, taking him from her mother, placing a kiss on the baby's head.

"Did you finish unpacking?" Carolyn waved her hand down.

"I'm only here for two days; I didn't bring too much." She sat down in the rocking chair against the wall, watching her daughter. "You know, your sisters keep complaining that you don't talk to them enough."

"Yeah, well, when I do, they're not exactly the nicest people." Amelia placed Scout down on the ground at took his hand, helping him to gain his footing. "Let's go out into the living room; he'll find something to play with." They left the nursery, Scout immediately picking up his pace and speeding towards his father, who lifted him and hugged him tightly.

"What're you doing awake?" Scout giggled as Link tickled him, his attention soon diverting to his mother, who was pulling out blocks.

"Block!" The boy hurried over to Amelia and sat down across from her on the carpet in the living room, pulling out different colored blocks.

"So, Link, tell me about yourself. I feel like I barely know who you are; Amelia keeps hiding you away."

"Mom," she protested, placing a block down.

"I'm just being honest, Amy." Amelia rolled her eyes and turned back to her son.

"It's fine," Link laughed, clasping his hands together. "Uh, I'm from Seattle, I'm an orthopedic surgeon, my parents live in Denver, I lived in L.A. for a while before coming up to work for the Mariners, and then I ended up at Grey-Sloan, which is where Amelia and I met." Carolyn raised her eyebrows and nodded, sitting down on the loveseat beside the couch.

"So, should I be expecting a wedding sometime soon? Because I promise we will come, as long as you give us proper notice."

"Mom! Please."

"Amelia, you have a habit of not telling us things and then expecting us to show up when it's convenient for you." The neurosurgeon rubbed her forehead and made eye contact with her boyfriend, who shrugged his shoulders.

"Link, could you bring Scout to his room, please?" He raised his eyebrows, standing up slowly and lifting Scout, quickly leaving the room. Amelia looked over at her mother and sat down on the couch. "Mom, I gave you over two weeks' notice of the wedding. That was plenty of time for you to fly out and come be there for me, and now that we have Scout, I need to know that you're going to be there if you want to be involved in his life," she muttered, folding her hands over each other. "And I know I haven't made the most effort to be a part of the family; I'm still not exactly keen on the idea of spending Christmas in New York and Thanksgiving with all of my sisters, but I told you about Scout for a reason."

"Is Link the one?" Amelia smiled and nodded her head, feeling her cheeks warm at her immediate, subconscious reaction.

"He is. And we're going to get married someday, and I'll want you there."

"You realize that you're going to have to let me spend time with him, yes?" She rolled her eyes.

"I know. Just promise not to embarrass me too much, okay?" She watched as her mother nodded sternly before sighing.

"Can I hug you?" Amelia grinned and leaned forward, shocked at the unfamiliar comfort she felt in her mother's embrace. "You know, even if I don't do a great job of showing it, I am proud of you, Amy."

Y'all I'm having Mary Goore feels right now and this idea hit me in the brain so fucking hard I had to get it written immediately.

(sfw)

-------------

Wednesday nights were always busy. People looking for a mid-week buzz to help them make it to Friday were common, no matter what bar you worked at.

This particular bar you worked at was your favorite though. It had punk rock feel that attracted all sorts of alternative characters. Goths, punks, metalheads, and grungy rebels made up the bulk of the regular patrons. Different flavors of local rock bands frequented the bar to play their songs, hoping to grow their fan base and maybe snag a groupie for the night. It was through one such band that you met Mary Goore.

Mary was the lead singer to a band that had played at the bar one weekend. Death metal wasn’t particularly your favorite genre of metal but you could appreciate the talent and dedication that Mary and his band put into it. He even covered himself with fake blood. Repugnant became a local favorite, playing at the bar at least every other week.

After the second time playing their set, Mary went up to you tending the bar and asked for something “cold as a witches’ tit and just as stiff.” Amused at his wording, you poured him a shot of chilled vodka that had the highest alcohol content out of all the liquors in the entire bar.

“Oh that’s the good shit. I’m gonna need another.”

You smiled at him, noting that when patrons drink that particular brand of vodka, they usually stumble after the first shot. Mary Goore wasn’t worried. He wanted to get blackout drunk. Apparently he had a spat with his drummer and was trying to drink away his frustrations.

You offered to listen to Mary’s rant and rant he did. After he let it all out you offered him a sympathetic look and some advice that you thought was generic, but it clearly had an effect on him.

He reached into his pocket and pulled out his wallet, asking how much for the three shots of vodka.

“Don’t worry about it. It’s on the house tonight, Goore.”

Mary smiled at you, with genuine thanks in his eyes.

“You know you’re the nicest bar tender I’ve ever met. Thanks.”

You and Mary became good friends after that, exchanging numbers after his third time playing at the bar. Sometimes you would meet up to hang out and talk shit when he didn’t have rehearsal and you didn’t have to work.

After he had another argument with his drummer (who was also his roommate) you offered to let him crash at your apartment until things worked out or had blown over.

This became a usual occurrence.

It turned out he fought with his bandmates a lot, usually over stupid shit like lyrics or the composition of a song. They were a death metal band and had a flair for dramatics after all. So after the fifth time of him crashing at your place, you offered him a spare key.

After that, Mary would spend the night even if he wasn’t clashing with his bandmates. “It’s clean and smells nice and you have better snacks.” He told you. You didn’t mind, he was a good friend, cleaned up all of his messes, and sometimes brought weed.

It was during one busy Wednesday that Mary texted you and said he would be at your apartment.

Mary: i got sum of the good kush (not the dollar store kind) and i dont wanna share with the others. can i smoke at your place? i’ll share sum with u tho cause ur my favorite

Smoking with Mary was always fun. You replied that it was cool and that you might be late because it was a busy night, and that it was okay if he smoked a little bit before you got there. You knew how impatient Mary could be.

Mary: babe ur the best!!!!! :D

You always blushed when he called you “babe.” You chalked it up to him just being a flirt, but it didn’t stop the little crush you had on him that was forming.

It was around 2 a.m. when your boss cleared you to go home. You grabbed your jacket and purse and took the late night bus back to your apartment, where you knew Mary was probably stoned out of his mind. You just hoped he left you enough to give you a few good hits.

It was during busy nights that you were glad you lived on the first floor. You couldn’t drag your feet up any stairs if your life depended on it.

When you put your key in the lock you heard what sounded like crying. You turned the doorknob and stepped inside to find Mary a total mess.

He was laying on the couch with his hands covering his face and sobbing uncontrollably. Empty bags of various flavors of potato chips and half eaten packs of candy littered around him.

You quietly set your purse down and hung up your jacket. You walked over to Mary and began to pet his hair.

“Mary…what’s the matter?”

Mary could only sob.

“Was it your band? Did you guys have another fight?”

“N-no…Nothing to d-do w-with my b-band…” He managed to say between hiccups.

“Well what’s wrong then?”

Mary pointed to the TV. The credits to Looney Tunes were playing.

“What were you watching that made you so upset? It couldn’t have been Looney Tunes…”

“Y-you don’t unders-stand! H-he thought h-his f-friend got b-baked into a c-cookie!” Mary cried.

“Huh?”

“T-the dog…h-he got a little cat f-friend and he t-thought h-his f-friend g-got baked into…into a c-cookie…”

“And this was a Looney Tunes episode?”

“Y-yes!” Mary whined.

“Well did it have a happy ending at least?”

“Y-yeah, his f-friend didn’t g-get turned into a c-cookie…b-but it was s-still so sad!!”

This weed must be potent as fuck to bring Mary Goore to tears over a Looney Tunes episode. Now you wanted to watch it, not remembering any such episode on Saturday mornings growing up.

“Would it be okay if I watched it with you? Will you get sad again?”

“I-I think I’ll b-be okay with y-you watching it w-with m-me…”

Sitting down and picking up some uneaten candy, you pressed the replay button.

You vaguely started to remember the episode as you watched it. As expected, Mary began to whimper again as the little kitten fell into the cookie batter. The kitten crawled out of the bowl before the dog had a chance to see, and dramatic music played as the dog saw the woman roll out and cut little shapes into the cookie dough.

You couldn’t help but smile at the ridiculousness of the situation you were in.

Mary wailed with the dog after being offered a cookie shaped like a cat, falling back into the couch as he let the sobs wrack through him again.

You began to pet him again. “But look, Mary! The kitten is okay! See? The lady is even letting the dog keep it! They’re all happy!”

Mary seemed to calm down a little at your reassurance and sat back up, wiping his eyes with the back of his hands. You offered him a tissue, and he started to blow his nose.

You just smiled at him, and pulled him into a hug.

“I think you’ve smoked enough for tonight. Let’s save the rest for later when we can smoke together.”

“Okay…”

It only took a few minutes for him to fall asleep in your arms, and you cherished the feeling of him breathing into your chest.

---------

https://www.dailymotion.com/video/x6e28so this is the Looney Tunes episode I'm talking about lmao

How are y'all puzzled by the end and how TPTB, Dabb and Singer seemingly got the wrong message about fandom, when I've seen countless of Destiel shippers being "pro-ship". Advocating to treat incest, pedo*lia and best*ality the same as queer ships, and how it's totally ok. How often "meta crew" called me terf, fascist for saying it shouldn't be accepted into our queer spaces. It got Bobo to write a char for superwiki. They prob thought we're all just thirsty women who want to see two dudes b*ng

I have no idea what you are talking about.

I’m not puzzled. I know some fuckery went down. I’ve stated my opinions countless times now over the past few months over on Twitter and since coming back to Tumblr properly on my conspiracies post:

TPTB are all business, and they made a last minute business decision based on backing the Walker horse and not wanting Destiel to distract from Jared/Sam, whilst being fearful of the gAY scaring away the CisHet Male audience that they so desperately wanted to cling on to for Walker.

Singer has always been a bronly. Has always seen any queer subtext purely as homoeroticism and is definitely the kind of person who would queerbait fans to get views.

Dabb was weak. He backed down and let his script get butchered.

I don’t know what you mean by destiel shippers advocating those things? Unless you mean supporting AO3 not being censored and regulated of course? Because if you are one of these people that thinks that AO3 needs censoring then you are part of the problem. Believe me, no one in Destiel fandom that I know of is normalising incest, pedophilia or bestiality. No one thinks those things are part of queer spaces.

Some people multiship though. So long as they respect tagging systems and don’t force other people to have to see nasty stuff like what you’ve mentioned, then let people be into what they’re into. I might personally find it gross, and a bit strange, but people are always gonna wanna explore fucked up topics for all manner of reasons. We ain’t purity police here.

Also something I feel I need to be very clear on, which I haven’t mentioned before but um “meta crew”. Which meta crew would that be? There are many many meta writers in spn fandom. We are not a hive mind. Some are some of the nicest people I have ever met, some I don’t interact with much but write some really beautiful stuff and seem to be good people, but there are others who call themselves meta writers who are just bullies, who mock and harass anyone who disagrees with their opinion. Do NOT lump us all into the same boat.

Why any meta writers would call you a terf or a fascist without a good reason is beyond me. I don’t have context here do i? Could you look back over what you said and consider if it sounded terfy? Or fascist? I dunno man I don’t have a say in this, if people have called you out for something you’ve said, maybe look back over what you said and try to see it from their angle? Especially if it was transphobic.

A general rule of thumb for interacting with any fandom:

Ship and let Ship - in other words, don’t judge people on the pairings they like, even if they are problematic, so long as those pairings are well tagged and labelled so people can block as necessary.

Your kink is not my kink - Don’t kink shame people. If people wanna write really fucked up shit, that’s their right. Again, so long as it is all tagged and clearly labelled with content warnings, then there shouldn’t be a problem. It’s not on you to psychoanalyse people for their reasons for being into twisted things. Some people may genuinely be abuse survivors who are using it as a coping mechanism. You don’t know.

The Archive is a fandom holy place - it is protected. It is adored. Do not attack it or you will feel the wrath of 100 different fandoms coming at you. The archive is free from censorship, free from corporate manipulation, free from outside sources trying to mess with it. The archive belongs to US.

Just generally don’t be an asshole. Fandoms tend to attract people who are different from the general norms of society. We were the nerds and losers in school, the queer kids, the ones struggling with MHI. We all have a lot of shit and are all just trying to navigate our way through life via our passions. Don’t shit on peoples passions. You’ll come across a load of people who disagree with you, and occassionally you might be unfortunate enough to come across actual bullies. But most of the time, it won’t take much to rub someone the wrong way because everyone in these spaces tends to be at least kind of emotional, and attached to their passions. So you really do have to be polite. I can’t even tell you how many people in this fandom hate me - some to the point of obsession and slander. I’ve got a block list a mile long and continue to add people to it. There are posts out there with my name and screenshots from my SM spreading lies and hate about me, encouraging people to laugh at me and accusing me of doing things that I have never had the time or the energy to do. Shit happens. Don’t be those people, and you’re golden.

Superwiki is well known by SPN writers for being a bible of information for the show. The writers have previously confirmed that they refer to the SuperWiki when wanting quick research for their episodes. Yes, Bobo named a character after the person who runs the wiki, but I doubt Bobo is aware of how problematic that person is. The name was just in honour of someone who put a lot of work into building the wiki, hell, even I use the wiki! But I certainly don’t support any of Jules personal views. Don’t read into things like that. It never means what you think.

The thirsty women part I would have agreed with back 6 years ago. But they have adapted with us now. We are no longer Becky in season 4. We became Charlie remember? And after that we became intelligent teenagers wanted to tell an exciting story. If they thought destiel shippers were all about the hot guys banging, they certainly wouldn’t have made the love story canon, and they did that. Remember? Cas confessed his love for Dean, and it was the most beautiful, touching, heartfelt moment in the entire series. They did that. Not because they wanted us to objectify the actors, but because they knew how much that love story meant to us. Unfortunately, the network had other ideas for the actual finale. But that doesn’t take away the writers intentions up to that point. So please don’t erase what they worked for.

Ultimately I’m not sure what point you were trying to make with this ask, but this post is I suppose my very long way of saying you are wrong.

The Wind in His Ears — Choi San

[angst w/fluff] [2221 words] — A prompt taken overboard, wherein San loses his heart but finds it again. Disbandment!au, be warned. No tws except for loneliness (and reference of sex, I guess)

[prompt] — Travel!au, strangers to lovers, “That was a very bad idea. 0/10 would not recommend.”

[dedication] — If you like soft or sexy stuff please check out @sanflowerseeds‘s works! They’re phenomenal (and written by an also phenomenal person!) I’m so sorry this took so long! I love you, Nanda, and hope you’re doing well!

[a/n] — This may be my worst fic ever, bc it has gone through so many directional changes. But it’s been a WIP so long, I just wanted it posted haha If you have time, please leave me some notes on what went wrong/right! Thank you for reading!

.

When Choi San hits his mid-thirties and feels his joints crackle a few decibels too loudly, he knows his body won’t take much more. So when their second round of contract negotiations roll around, his decision has already been made for him. 

But when Hongjoong delivers the official group stance, his heart still cracks.

.

And when they have their final performance, San’s the last one to cry.

Because his tears will last the longest.

.

The crack in his heart spreads into a veritable canyon in his world.

A scattering wind blows through that empty cavern, pulling Hongjoong to mentoring a new rookie group and Jongho to OST deals. But San gets to stand with Yeosang at his wedding; he grabs coffee with Wooyoung every other week, usually...

So San pretends he’s fine for six months.

After all… Mingi sends memes to the group chat all the time—

And Seonghwa makes sure to Facetime regularly—

San wanders the streets of Seoul, hands stuffed in his pockets, the loud wind in his ears for his only company. At home, whenever he stands up stiffly, there’s only him to laugh at his cracking joints. Well… he laughs at himself, to begin with. Then he doesn’t laugh.

One day, he’s wandering the streets again when he sees it. An ad for a travel agency.

There’s only wind in his ears as he considers it.

“A toast to San!” announces Hongjoong, voice forcibly cheerful. “Who’s going on a world tour!”

Eight glasses are lifted in the air; seven pairs of eyes look incredibly worried.

Someone wraps themselves around San as other voices chime in.

“San, fighting!”

“Let’s gooo!”

“World travel!” someone shouts in English.

San’s heart both heals and breaks again as he looks at his seven friends who dropped everything to wish him well.

“I’ll be back before you know it,” he tells them wetly.

Maybe it’s Jongho’s knowing eyes that make him shed the first tear.

Maybe it’s how the others all know how much he’s hurting, and how utterly relieved San feels to be back with these seven other people.

No matter the reason, San cries at this moment, clinging to his former groupmates as they hug him goodbye. There’s promises to text, proclamations of staying up just for video chats. There’s also seven whispers of the same sentiment: I hope this can help you heal.

.

He meets you in a coffeeshop. Your coffeeshop, actually.

It’s his second visit, and for some reason, it’s one of his favorite places he’s found in his travels. Something about its atmosphere draws him in. The warmth. The way it has nooks where he can sit and people-watch. The way the food tastes nearly perfect every time. The way it’s so empty when he comes in for his breakfast.

The way it’s just a minute’s walk from his hotel.

Correction: It is his favorite establishment he’s found in his grand travel.

Truthfully...

The “grand travel” hasn’t been so grand. He’s jumped around the world a little, going wherever the wind blows, renting a room for however long the wind calms down. Leaving for the next city or town whenever it gets worse.

On good days, he can look around himself and feel his heart stir a little. Because he’s gotten to see some incredible things.

On bad days, he can feel the wind utterly drop. When it does, he’ll look around himself. He’ll wonder if he really wanted to see Canada that one time. Or if he just chose a country 12 hours different from Korea because maybe, just maybe, flipping his clock completely could flip his life around, too.

Today’s one of the better days, actually.

As he hands you his payment, you offer small talk.

Ask about his day.

He tells you he’s fine, that he could be much worse off, truly believing it. (But also believing he could be much better off, too.)

Something in your gaze seems to understand him.

“And how’s your day?” he offers, his pronunciation a little messy.

“It exists,” you reply. 

A mirror of him, at heart.

.

He comes into your coffeeshop the next day and knows it’s just going to be a daily thing until he leaves this city.

That one booth in the back left corner… It has good seats.

As he settles down with the same order he had gotten the last two days, he catches your eye. Smiles with his lips.

And something about that one thing makes him realize.

He hasn’t truly had anything like this in a while. The same food, three days in a row. Someone who’s met his eyes, three days in a row.

It’s another good day.

The howling wind grows just a little quieter.

.

“Two orders of today’s special and an einspänner?” you ask as he moves to the counter.

His eyebrows furrow. “Oh?”

“You’ve been here three days straight, exact same order,” you smile, “first customer of the day.”

“Ah.” He takes a moment to gather his words, unsure if this was accusatory or just observation. “I didn’t know. I’m sorry. I can—”

“No! It’s, ah, it’s nice. You’re always very pleasant, to me.” He recalls that first encounter, how you had seemed to understand the weight of his few words. “Are you a tourist? I don’t think I’ve ever seen you before this week.”

“You could say so.”

“Any plans for today?”

The wind pushing him around never made plans.

“Not really,” he admits.

“Taking it as you go?”

“You could say so.” He notices how you look at him with a measuring look. One that makes him feel seen, and he hasn’t felt that way for a very long time. But it isn’t an unwelcome feeling. “Do you have any recommendations? On what to do? Things you like?”

You smile bittersweetly. “I have some ideas.”

“Can you tell me a few?” The words come out of San’s mouth without thinking.

At that moment, the door opens with a whoosh, and another customer steps in.

“Tell... tell you what,” you say. “I have an employee coming in in half an hour. If you would like the company, I can give you those suggestions over a second cup of coffee?”

Meeting your eyes, something in him feels like hiding. But something else in him leaps at the offer. “I’m a slow eater. So yes.”

You smile again, a little wider.

His lips, too, twitch upwards of their own volition.

That day, San makes an itinerary for the first time on his trip—and, maybe, a friend.

.

After a long day of hiking, San collapses on his hotel room bed and feels a stirring of optimism in his chest. The weariness in his bones almost feels familiar. He had collapsed like this many times after concerts or performances.

He stares at the ceiling, consciously wondering for the first time on this trip, if he’s ready to face the wind.

His eyes land on his suitcase.

His hands move to unpack it.

And the wind in his ears, again, gets a little quieter.

.

As he walked into your coffeeshop the next day, he asks you to sit with him from the get-go.

You peer into his eyes, spotting equal measures of hope and uncertainty, and immediately drop your paperwork. “Of course.”

His conversation is nice; his personality is nicer. (Possibly his skin is nicest, but that’s irrelevant.)

.

Your conversations continue, and by the tenth day, you’re sharing the thoughts that sometimes scare you. From your worries about disappointing everyone to wondering if your degrees even mattered... you spill it all out. He does the same.

Which is scary, because you’ve only known him for ten days. Seven, really.

Based on the way he’s ducking his head right now, his story hanging in the air sadly, he must feel similarly.

(He hasn’t told anyone about his story, his sad state, since he left Korea. He doesn’t share every detail, but he says enough that both he and the wind in his ears feel very shaken.)

Forty minutes later, he stands to leave, and you hear some joints crack.

“Maybe the chiropractor?”

His smile in response is remorseful.

You stand, too, and feel your neck crack a little.

“Maybe we both can go?”

And the smile is a little less sad.

.

You have known San for two weeks now, and today, he enters the shop much more confidently than usual. With a shy smile (but genuine, you realize), he shows you pictures of a lake you had directed him to. He had caught it on a good day. As he lets you scroll through the pictures, you find that someone must have taken his picture for him.

You want to say something meaningful as you study the way his skin has grown so golden in these two weeks. The way his smile reaches his eyes.

“You look nice here,” you say simply.

That shy smile turns larger.

.

You don’t know if this is a bad habit, dropping everything to share breakfast with San every morning. But, what did it hurt anything? After you asked your employees to come in early to cover for you, they agreed too quickly.

Because they are amazing humans, you think.

And because they are ridiculous humans, they smile knowingly at each other as either you or him look at the other for a moment too long.

And, because you both are pathetic, San and you never notice.

.

By the third week, you wonder why you haven’t exchanged phone numbers.

Naturally, then, you laugh and casually give him your number after he admits getting lost yesterday.

“I know you’re not a damsel in distress or anything, but next time… just call me if you get lost.”

He doesn’t mean to look at you so intently after that, but he does.

You don’t look away.

Swallowing, he wonders if you can see the lingering sadness he feels, the wind still throwing him off balance sometimes. The weight of knowing how worried his hyungs are for him, the fear that he had done something to his body when he was younger, so it was all his fault somehow...

But as your gaze slips to his lips for just a moment, he also wonders if you are seeing what thousands of fans had once seen. Something worthy.

When your gaze moves back to his eyes, and you start talking about nonsense, he knows: You could see it all, and more, even.

San feels something stir in his chest, something warmer and kinder and more enticing than the thrall of dancing to thousands of cheers. 

When he finally finds it in himself to say goodbye, he can’t help but ask. “Can I call you when I’m not lost, too?”

.

Three days after that, San wakes and feels an impossibly strong urge to sing. Just something bright and loud. Something hopeful.

He pictures your coffeeshop and your face.

And he feels himself smiling widely.

Opening his phone, his fingers type faster than the wind:

Heading your way in 10 :)

.

That weekend, you go drinking together.

You’re both tipsy, sitting in a bar booth with your sides pressed together, and everything comes to head.

You’re both tipsy and warm, filters long lost, when San pours out the rest of the story to you. The side of the story that the wind in his ears usually hid in white noise.

It’s a euphoric story with deafeningly beautiful highs, but also a heartbreaking one with devastatingly ugly lows. But as he pours out the joys of standing on stage, of the laughter-filled, starlit walks back to the dorms, you know it was worth it to him.

And you also come to know, he didn’t choose to quit.

He keeps pouring drinks; keeps pouring out his emotional, earnest soul.

Midway through the night, your dulled head has just enough awareness to realize you are in love with that soul.

And as you have to wave away another glass, you will always hold onto the magnificent moment when he admits: “But I don’t feel sad about any of it when I’m with you.”

.

The next day, you wake up at your place. San’s lying beside you.

“Morning,” he groans.

If your head and body didn’t hurt so much, that alone would have inspired you to restart last night’s activities. 

“Everything hurts,” you groan.

“Same.”

Your legs are slightly brushing each others, but your torsos aren’t touching. It makes you feel sad. Then something in you melts when he shifts his weight closer to you so they are.

“Are”—you yawn—”we going to that… ugh…. waterfall today?”

“Not after last night.” He buries his face against your hair.

“Yeah…” Your head throbs, and you groan again. “That was a very bad idea, 0/10 would not recommend.”

San makes an offended sound in the back of his throat. “The alcohol or the sex?”

Yawning again, you can barely reply. “You know which one.”

He kisses your head and yawns as well. “Let’s do it again sometime.”

“Soon.”

“Soon?”

“But... not right now.”

After yawning together, he chuckles against your hair. “Yeah, sleep... for now.”

.

As you both close your eyes again, San can only hear two things:

One, the steady rhythm of your breathing.

Two, the soft hum of your ceiling fan.

He falls asleep knowing:

There’s no wind.

.

[ateez taglist] — @seongghwaa​ @s1ardusk​ @yunwoo​​ @toffee-hwa​ @yunhowhoitiss​ @sippn-the-tae​ @yeocult​ @barsformars​ (thank you for your support! I love y’all so much!!! <3 <3 <3)

Describe something nice about ten mutuals you love GO

1) i’m gonna start with my baby elena @sunflower-vol14 who i love very very much. they’re truly one of the nicest, sweetest and considerate people i’ve ever met, both on tumblr and in real life. they’re always spreading so much love and they’re incredibly supportive and it’s a privilege to call them my friend. a strong, sensitive soul that i was lucky enough to meet and befriend and hope we’ll stay in each other’s lives for a long time ❤️

2) my lover and mortal enemy @oneandonlyhl ....... a tease. witty. hilarious. has the perfect sticker for every situation and somehow makes the best memes. hasn’t blocked me yet when i act h0rny on main and i appreciate that a lot 😏 my favorite thing about her is that she told me that the way i pronounce harry in spanish sounds very similar to shit in arabic, and i think that’s beautiful ❤️

3) my danish queen @canyonemoon! we haven’t talked in forever but kat is one of the nicest, strongest and smartest person on this website. i truly admire her for her strength and cleverness and i just love talking to her, we can have very serious conversations and also the funniest in ten minutes. i love our friendship because it started so messy, we were kind of like friends to enemies to lovers and i’m glad we gave each other another chance. she’s a gem, deserves every good thing the world has to offer <3

4) i’m only getting to know @needvodkand1d but she’s just. so so nice and supportive and sweet. i love her mwah tag so much i find that adorable for some reason lol. i can’t wait to know more about you! and hopefully see you at some show 👀

5) the stunning @aliensyndrome! she’s not only one of the most beautiful girls i’ve ever seen, she’s also so so fucking smart. i love reading her opinions and her sense of humor is 👩‍🍳💋. she’s SO good with words and i admire that so much, it’s like she knows exactly what to say and how to say it. i know she will succeed in everything she wants and i wish her the best in life ❤️

6) i’ve recently shown my love for @theparisinterview AND I’LL DO IT AGAIN! val has such a warm presence and her love for louis is so strong and so genuine it fills me with joy. i love how excited she is about literally everything louis does, i love seeing her reaction even if she’s a bit late sometimes 😭 such a nice, positive person who deserves love, love and more love always <3

7) my sweet ana @freddiereborn who probably has no idea louis’ hair is THAT long because she can log out for days and has no fomo. wish that were me. i just love her. again, an incredibly supportive friend. started as an anon and i’m very glad she stuck around because i got to meet someone so sweet and who just... understands a lot of situations that most people might not and she’s always a delight to talk to. i love how most of our conversations include at least one simpsons reference and that’s just the sudaca experience <3

8) i haven’t talked to h in a while but @kindofsharethat is like... the perfect popular blog. never gets involved in drama. SO fucking witty. it truly amazes me how he’s able to come up with the funniest shit, he’s incredibly smart, chill and goofy at the same time and it’s kind of the perfect combination. absolutely love him very much. one of the og who stayed true to themselves and i’m so happy he’s still here with us shitposting and just doing his thing, without getting into drama and just enjoying this fandom

9) my wife @tovarischlouis! i miss you! i admire your brain so so much and i hope one day i can be as informed and educated as you are. it truly blows my mind to see you speaking so eloquently about politics, i’m honestly jealous because i wish i was able to understand it better. but i’ve learned so much from you, and i just love and admire your smart ass

10) last but not least..... all my mutuals/people i follow. yeah i know it’s generic but they truly make my dash a better place, something that i can actually enjoy and have fun and helps me distract me a little bit from my life. i’m just very, very thankful for everyone, for the lovely asks, words, and overall support you’ve shown me in the last five years. i love you all ❤️

Jar of Rebuke Episode 1 Unofficial Transcript

Season 1 Episode 1: Pilot

INTRO

The following audio recording is classified documentation for Case [audio distortion] with the Enclosure. Unauthorized access to this information will lead to immediate intervention. Progress further if proper clearance has been given.

JARED

Dr. Daman has suggested that I start an audio journal of some kind, something outside of my therapy sessions to help me track my progress or whatever. Considering I don't have much of anything that's mine anymore, she suggested that this might actually be a good way to reclaim some of my individuality. Maybe talking about what I do know of myself might help me remember more. So I guess I'll start with what I know. My name is Dr. Jared Hel. I'm a field researcher for the Enclosure. I specialize in studying the particularly dangerous creatures around here. For some reason, no matter their effect on others, nothing is permanent on me. Gods, the amount of times I've died this last year is probably more than I should ever care to admit. I guess it's a blessing in disguise though, it's job security, for one thing. A scientist who can't die no matter how dangerous the entity he's studying? I think I'm set. Sure, I may bounce back from death with a few more scars but they're relatively healed up and I'm rarely ever in much pain when I wake up. Though, to be fair, if the Enclosure just left these creatures alone I’m sure this wouldn't even be an issue in the first place, but no... they just gotta meddle.

I started working at the enclosure, what, two years ago? Though I've really only been on the field for less than a year. Apparently, I worked at a different research site for some other organization before that but I don't really remember anything from before two years ago. I supposedly transferred here to research a particularly dangerous subject, the one that... um... well the one that killed my team. And me, I guess. The most frustrating thing is the lack of remembering- I don't remember any of their names, their faces, nothing. I had to relearn absolutely everything and no matter what I relearn I never remember. It's so infuriating knowing that there's a whole childhood and more that I have yet to recollect anything from. I feel so left out of reminiscent conversations, you know? Well of course you know, I'm practically talking to myself here. All I know of myself before the incident is what was on my work file- top of my class graduate from IU, but I don't remember a damn thing about my time there. Apparently there's a lot of fields around there, though I guess that's not too different from the towns around here. Born and raised in those corn fields, according to my records. No documented family to speak of. But from what other folks in the lab have shared about their families- maybe I’m not missing out on too much.

When asked about getting in touch with the folks from the other facility that I worked at they didn't seem to think that it would be too helpful. Hell, how would they even know who to put me in touch with? Wasn't like they would have documented my friends or anything. So again, nothing. Story of my damn life. And of course there's Todd. Oh I’m sorry, Dr Todd Carmen. He's currently head of operations at the enclosure. He's, uh, I'll say he's a character. Not as unique as he thinks he is but certainly not boring, but just because something isn't boring doesn't mean that it's entertaining. He has a fashion sense that I would have never personally considered wearing, but um that shade of orange with his pale complexion? Simply bold choices in my opinion. But I'm sure he'll get himself sorted out someday. Besides all that though I guess it's not too bad. Job security with benefits- apparently a lot of jobs don't offer health insurance. Though with our line of work it's kind of necessary, to keep us alive.

Uh, what else do I know? The Enclosure is an organization based out in the middle of absolute nowhere that researches the various anomalies, but really only bothers with the particularly dangerous ones. Like, really dangerous ones. I mean bigfoot, mothman, that sort of stuff they really just leave to their own devices for the most part. Sure they hurt and even I guess sometimes kill people, but not a lot of people, and enough people already know about those things to not really hide them away now. Wichton is like two hours from any other town. It's guised as a farming town. Uh well no, it is a farming town but the enclosure has taken it as its guise. Most of the facilities are underground, deep underground. They paid off all the townsfolk back when they were building to not ask questions. And considering they built it during a massive economic depression, no one asked questions, the townsfolk took the money. But there's still some circulating rumors about us to this day, of course. As long as we keep the particularly dangerous creepy crawlies underground with us they've got no reason to worry too much. Sure, sometimes things sneak out and make weird noises in the fields at night but country folk are superstitious folk, and if nothing else it's what these people have known all their lives. Suspicious lights, weird noises and mutated deer don't even faze these people. The Enclosure picks its battles when it decides what to tackle, that's for damn sure. Not like they're an international brand or anything, they only have the resources to stick to these neck of the woods, and with all the anomalies in these parts, not really surprised that they settled here. Been here for nearly 100 years and have very little idea why it's such a supernaturally charged area. Some say it might be the fact that folks are so superstitious that it basically invites the energy here. But others think there's a reason, but it ain't my department to figure that out. The hardest part of the job is getting things into the facility. But sometimes the hot shots up top decide to just have us study those things from afar since taking them out of their established locations seems impossible. So many ladies in gray and white dresses all over the place, we can't exactly make a support group for them here or anything! Not when they're out busy haunting dunes or lakes or crying by the side of the road or whatever. Not really hurting anyone all that much, so they've mostly just been left alone. We keep tabs, but we also don't always interfere. Oh and being the sacrificial lamb is a bit annoying, but I bounce back quickly enough. Death has gotten less disorienting over time, but no less annoying.

What did I do today? Well... I had a shorter day, shift-wise, so I went in at like 6 a.m, then got out around one-ish. I was supposed to leave closer to noon but I ended up having to stop at Dr. Rahal’s office for a bit for my headaches. They've been getting worse and we don't really know why. At least they come and go in waves, so I get some peace at times. It's always nice to see Dr. Rahal though, he's been the nicest to me since I started at this place, from what I can remember at least. He's one of the Enclosure physicians who I've been seeing. From anything to work related injuries that aren't too severe to these headaches. I swear I've never met a guy in my life who can smile so genuinely and be so sincerely happy over just about anything. It'd honestly be annoying if it weren't so sincere and if he also weren't so genuinely nice. He's really trying to help with these headaches but medicine doesn't really ever help and the medical scans showed nothing that would indicate any issue. I mean, not that they let me see the medical scans. I guess I wouldn't understand them anyways, even if they did let me.

Dr. Rahal thinks that it's likely stress so that takes us back to therapy with Dr. Daman. Had a session after work, which was when she suggested that I really start this up. She's suggested it before but I kind of dismissed the idea until today. She made a very good point- what's the harm in doing it? I mean, it can't make the headaches worse and even if it doesn't help me remember anything, maybe getting things off my chest could help in some way. Therapy was uneventful, not like much happens in a week, just the usual work stuff mostly. Though I have started going out after work a bit more often, even if it's just to a local shop or to grab a bite to eat. Dr. Daman suggested a few months back that I socialize a bit more, and it's been kind of nice. Weird, but nice. I've mostly stuck to myself outside of work, honestly. Well, besides those community events that you're basically ostracized if you don't attend or you get bombarded with those calls of “where were you last night? We were so worried about you, are you okay?”, even if you don't remember giving them your number. I like to go to a restaurant in town called the Royal Cow, they make the best in-house ice cream. They built it to look like one of those red farm houses which matches most of the buildings in town, but their mint chocolate chip ice cream is basically the best ice cream I've ever had. They also make really, really good sugar cream pie. Get it when it's still fresh, it's a little warm, melts in the mouth. I mean it basically cures any hankering for a sweet tooth. So that's what I ordered- a fresh slice of sugar cream pie. But that was my dessert. They do also have some pretty good not-sweet foods. Their lunch menu is alright but their breakfast food is really where it's at. And they do that breakfast all day thing, so I got their breakfast platter which is really, really good food.

On my way home, I bumped into Darius. He's the son of some local farmers in town. His dads have an apple orchard, on top of everything else. The Enclosure actually keeps tabs on their farm, because no matter what his dad John plants, apples always grow. I mean no matter what John plants. He could plant pumpkin seeds in the fall but no apple trees are gonna spring up and I'll be damned if those aren't the best apples. I mean sometimes crab apples grow instead, he can't really control what kind of apples grow, but John has found a way to make crab apples into really good apple pies and ciders and stuff. I've heard they make good jams and jellies, but he perfected a crab apple pie. He said it's “just a lot of love” but I think there's something with those apple trees. But again, not my department to figure it out. Darius and I made small talk. The weather, mostly. So mostly just complaining about how it wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't so humid or if we just had a nice breeze, but the shade does help. He always makes excuses to talk to me. I'm not complaining, but that does seem to be a thing around town is everyone makes excuses to talk to everybody. Like the one time that Holly stopped me in the middle of the road to chat when we were passing each other. It's a community norm, I guess, but Darius always wants to talk again. I'm not complaining, he's a really nice conversational partner we can chat about just about anything with certain obvious restrictions. He knows I work at the Enclosure, but folks in town seem to think it's some hoity-toity but shady government job. I don't really think we're tied to the government, per se, but whatever lie they've told the towns is just what I stick with. Whether or not they believe that is entirely another story. He knows I'm a scientist, but he thinks i'm more of an environmental natural scientist instead of a supernatural scientist. I guess whether or not he believes that is an entirely other story too, but we don't really talk about work much. On my end I don't bring it up and while he does talk about working on the family farm from time to time, especially because they expect for him to take over, he tries to find other things to talk about. He's gone back to school recently. They recently in town set up a sort of trade school, I guess, where if anyone's considered a master in town they can teach classes to teach other people in whatever skills they have to share. Seems Darius is taking a bit of a Home Ec class, I guess, sewing and cooking and things like that. He said that he's great with his hands in the field but he really wants to round out his hand skills. He then awkwardly chuckled after that but I don't understand why. I mean it's completely respectable to want to be able to stitch up your own clothes or actually have a nice dinner besides the reheated leftovers left on your doorstep or to know what to do when your microwave catches fire. Honestly, I don't really know what all they teach in those classes. I'd never even heard of something like a Home Ec class until Darius told me about it. I wonder if I ever took one. If i wasn't so busy with work I would actually look into taking classes. I like to learn and Darius even said that he'd be more than happy to help me with anything if I needed it which is nice. But I'm a really fast learner. I actually get bored a lot because of it. I don't see why anyone would need five months or years of training or educating. No, I can see why. I also just know that I am the anomaly. When I forgot everything and had to relearn how to read I was at a 10th grade reading level. By what, just a few weeks? And then I was at college level again in a matter of a month. But even though I was relearning stuff quick I never remembered anything. I never remembered books I've read before the incident, I never remembered learning how to read the first time, I just was quickly relearning how to read. I don't even know if you would consider remembering how to read. I mean I'm never remembering anything. I don't even remember the creature that I was working with in the incident. And no one will tell me anything, because they said they want me to remember organically, or something like that. They said they feared something like a trauma, whiplash? I really don't understand it and it just pisses me off more than anything. But Dr. Daman won't budge. No one will let me look over any files of the incident or files on the other lab techs who died. They slapped this key around my neck and said, “here, to keep your brain in check. Oh, you literally remember nothing? Well tough luck, see this therapist and see what happens!” Ugh. They said if it weren't for my weird powers then the incident would have killed me too. They said they don't know why I have this ability to rebound from death like it nearly never happened but they sure are willing to use my ability for work.

Right, the key. Uh, when I woke up the first thing the doctors did was have me wear it around my neck. It’s on some sort of sturdy red cord. I've never taken the thing off in years. You would think that it may have faded a bit or that the cord would have worn, but no. Cord is still sturdy and the key is just as shiny as the day they gave it to me, which isn't that shiny, it was a bit tarnished already, but hasn't gotten any more tarnished. It's supposed to keep my brain in check after the effects of, well, the incident. Dr. Daman says that if I take it off, I risk unlearning absolutely everything that I've learned in the last two years. I don't know why the key is supposed to be the thing that does this, but this is the only time that death has ever made me lose everything, so I figured what's the harm in wearing it. Not like it hurts to wear or anything.

Darius has asked me about it before though. Not when we first met or anything but after multiple times of running into each other he finally asked. I get asked about it a lot but I just say that it's a familial trinket and they tend to just leave it be. But darius had asked after we'd shared a few drinks at a local bar and even though I have a bit of a high tolerance for alcohol and never stay drunk long, he seemed to ask at just the right moment for me to open up a bit more, I guess. I said it's a comfort item, which I guess isn't exactly the whole truth, I actually honestly hate this thing. A constant reminder of all the things that I've forgotten. But I guess there's slight comfort and knowing that because of this key everything that I've relearned will stick. They say it's important to understand all that you don't know, but I know all too well that I've got at least 20 years of things that I don't remember. But hey, with this key I guess i can rebuild that. I must have seemed uncomfortable about this question where he was satisfied with that answer because Darius let it go after that, but I catch him staring at it sometimes. He's asked what I know about skeleton keys, and all things considered I didn't know much, at least didn't remember. He told me that his dads both told him about the powers that keys hold, not just to lock things but even more importantly to unlock them. That a skeleton key could lock or unlock any door to a given building, no matter what other keys people had, commonly used by cleaners and inn owners and stuff like that. He really seems fixated on the idea and I guess the symbolism is a bit striking with my current situation considering... whatever. The less he knows the better. It would be nice to talk to someone outside of the enclosure about more personal stuff from time to time but I can't go around spilling secrets.

Right, my day. Uh, lunch, talked with Darius, uh... after about 15 minutes of “all right I should get going”-s and taking a few steps apart, starting to have talked about other topics and repeating the process, I finally started home. On my way home I drove past some corn fields and various other pastures. The Enclosure gave me a house near the edge of town because after a year of rigorous relearning I didn't want to live in their communal housing anymore. It's not too far from Darius's family orchard and farm which is nice. Nicest farm in the area, in my opinion. There's no real rivalry between the farmers, at least nothing too intense. But something about those trees in the distance out of my window is really relaxing. All the cattle I passed on my way home had moved to face the same direction near the fences and stared into the distance mindlessly grazing. That and the clouds rolling in were very strong indicators that there was going to be a heck of a storm tonight. I didn't listen to the weather announcement this morning but the sky's only gotten darker now so i'm ready to sleep like the dead tonight. But when I was pulling into my driveway I saw something rustling in the bushes by my front door. I thought maybe it was a squirrel or a rabbit or something but then two tiny hands parted the leaves and I saw one of those black-eyed children just sitting there staring at me. I normally only see them at night. I guess it was waiting for me to come home to loiter on my doorsteps or something, I don't know. When I got out of the car I was surprised when it actually climbed out of the bush and just rigidly stared at me with those lifeless black eyes. I got my stuff out of my car and made my way to the door, but it was kind of standing in the way. I just slid on by it with a muttered apology and slipped inside before I could start whispering requests for entrance. Never making that mistake again. No matter how much I want to let them in my house got all sorts of messed up last time and I got a heck of a scolding at work when they found out. I don't shoo them away, but I don't let them in anymore. It was really weird, they normally only come knocking or waiting by the sides of the road at night, I had never seen one in the middle of the afternoon. Once I got settled in I pulled out a book, a crossword book I was gifted at the last community bonfire. I blow through these things really fast but I really like them, so Christine gave me like five of them, all different, claimed that she found the most difficult ones that she could find, which is really sweet. She even wrote little notes on the inside cover of each of them so I've ended up actually keeping them when i'm done so I can reread her notes when I need a little pick-me-up. Whether a crossword book or a little box of treats she always writes uplifting notes and anecdotes inside any gifts she gives anyone, all signed with the most beautiful cursive- “with love, Christine Torres”. She really mothers everyone in town, at least that's what I've noticed. This one is a real toughy, which I like. That's mostly what I've been up to since I got home. I decided that I'd take a break from doing, well, this. Dr. Daman was adamant about me giving it a shot so here we are. Me, myself and I. Oh sorry, hold on, work email. (Whispered: who am i even apologizing to?) Well now, wait a minute. A new lab partner? Dr. Gia Castillo. Why the hell did they give me a new lab partner? I guess I'm meeting her in the morning. I hate it when Todd pulls this, but I’ve got no say in the matter. The usual. But I hate sudden change.

I'm tired, I'm reheating some food Mrs. Weddington gave me and going to bed. I can hear the thunder starting to get louder and that kid outside tapping on my door so I guess I should try and get some sleep. Guess I'll talk to you later? This is actually kind of nice, saying whatever I want without worries. (little laugh) I'm already dreading tomorrow. Well this is Dr. Jared Hel, signing off, I guess.

[tapping sounds, and sounds of thunder, as we fade into the outro]

OUTRO

Jar of Rebuke is written and produced by Casper Oliver, who is also the voice of Dr Jared Hel. The intro is read by Vanessa Rosengrant, and credits are read by Ashley Craft, who has also created the podcast official graphics. Music was created by Luke Menniss, spelled m-e-n-n-i-s-s, who you can find and support on Bandcamp, Spotify and Twitch. Find us on Twitter, Instagram and anywhere else you get your podcast fix for more Jar of Rebuke and also to get updates on upcoming official merch for our show. Support projects by this crew on Patreon to further other queer-lead projects and get neat perks. All donations are appreciated and will grant further clearance to special Jar of Rebuke content. You can also make one-time donations on Ko-fi.

Lost and Found.

A/N: Sorry it took so long to get round to this request I’ve had a manic week with hand-ins and work but it’s finished, I hope your like it!

Words: 2390

Warnings: Mentions of dead family members. A curse word here and there.

This was a stupid idea. Going to a flashy party in a flashy building hosted by a flashy company was one of the top activities you tried to avoid. You knew that your shitty minimum wage desk job and even shittier selection of dresses in your closet would make you not just feel but look out of place the moment you walked in. But, being a good friend, you caved when Emma had asked you for the tenth time to go with her, insisting that her friends and colleagues wouldn’t judge, but, coming from a group home, you knew better.

You weren’t a stranger to people thinking they’re better than you, or their fake sympathy when they found out your story, not that you were embarrassed by it. In fact, you had taken pride in it knowing that some of the shit you’d struggled through helped make you a better person. Not that they would care, they never needed a personality because they had the blessing of money and notoriety. Anyway, here you were, in your black dress and heels, a little bit of make-up you were sure had smudged on the car ride here and just enough alcohol in your system to make the night bearable.

Just looking at the exterior of the building made you want to throw-up, then again that could partially be the cheap wine you’d drank. The floodlights in the front shone beams of gold up the brilliant white bricks and the plants surrounding the door worth probably more than your apartment brought a pop of colour to the entrance. Emma finished paying the cab driver and stepped out beside you.

“Come on, it's not that bad. Let’s get inside.” She laughed, noticing your hesitation. Her hair sat in a perfect updo and her dress swayed elegantly as she waltzed forwards. Her whole look matched; the clips in her hair, the colour of her and her shoes, even the clutch she held presented her as a magnificently finished puzzle. You looked like a bag of trash next to her. Her hand gently tugged at your arm and with a deep breath, you made your way in.

The lobby was almost empty, save for a few well-dressed men and who you assumed were their dates chatting languidly by the front desk. Emma’s heels clacked loudly against the marble floors, your own in tow as she threw a friendly wave towards the receptionist before you reached the elevator. Your nerves picked up at the thought of being in a crowded room full of professionals talking business with fine champagnes and little finger sandwiches and stupidly fancy tables for it all to sit on. God, you needed to snap out of it. You’re complaining about the tables.

The doors opened and you stepped in, greeted by your reflection in the walls of the lift. At least your make-up hadn’t smudged. Emma turned to you and gave you a look.

“What?” You asked, eyes darting back at your reflection then back at her.

“Stop worrying so much, you look cute I promise.” She reassured, it kind of helped. Kind of.

A ding, the roll of the doors and suddenly the party was revealed. It didn’t seem the worst, you might even enjoy it. There were large round tables clothed in white fabrics with bottles of expensive champagne on ice standing in the center, large spreads of food were laid out towards the edges of the space as people picked and grazed. It was huge, far bigger than you were expecting and well furnished. The air was filled with laughter and polite conversation, a live jazz band performed on a stage with a sizable dancefloor. Thankfully, there was a well stocked bar for those who didn’t have the aquired taste of champagne and you’d have made a bee-line for it, had Emma not let out a squeal of excitement as a woman with long dark hair and a royal blue evening gown approached, gold jewellery shining in a beautiful contrast.

“Oh my god, hi! How are you? Isn’t this lovely?” She drawled, voice clear and sophisticated.

Emma let out a small chuckle, “I’m good and it’s gorgeous, where are you all sat?” she replied wtih a tilt of her head. The lady gestured vaguely to the left where a table of women gave over-enthusiastic smiles and waves as we peered over.

The three of us wandered through over and joined them. Your heart was in your throat as you tucked yourself in, eyes flitting between the champagne in the middle and the bar, debating fleeing in search of a better tranquiliser for the night.

“Emma, who’s your friend? I don’t believe we’ve met her before.” Another lady with a short blonde bob spoke. You moved to introduce yourself but Emma jumped in. “This is Y/N, she’s one of my closest friends and the nicest person I know, isn’t her dress cute?” The prompt led the girls to all ooh and aah at your outfit as you faked a tight smile and thanked them, shooting Emma a pointed glare which she returned with an apologetic wince. “So! Has Billy arrived yet?” She giggled taking the spotlight off you and you visibly relaxed, shoulders slumping forward, a chuckle escaped you as you shook your head recognising the name. She talked about him often enough, specifically his ‘perfectly styled hair’ and ‘eyes you could just drown in’.

“Unfortunately no, we do have a distinct lack of eye candy at this party.” The blue lady from earlier sighed exaggeratedly, sending them all into another round of giggles. Had you any self control you’d have hidden the grimace that crossed your face. You weren’t overly fond of talking about people in such a way. A waiter came to your table, asking if there was anything he could get, be it food or drink. They requested a second bottle of champagne and as he turned, you gently caught his arm.

“I’d like a whiskey, a double on ice if that's alright.” You tried and he nodded. “Of course, would you like a mixer with that, miss?” He questioned and you shook your head. He quirked an eyebrow at this and shot you an amused smile probably knowing you disliked this ordeal as much as he did. Turning back to the table you engaged in their chatter until you could quietly sip your drink.

Across the room, a tall man in a black tux entered, his hair slicked back and a freshly shaved stubble lining his jaw. He was greeted by a few other party-goers, laughing and complimenting the festivities. Typical, tedious small talk always appeased the businessmen and women. Billy took pride in his work, but that didn’t mean he had to like the sleazy old men in his clientele. He was partially listening to the dramatic but fake story one of the men always told at parties to impress the women as he sipped his drink until someone caught his eye. You. He recognised your face almost immediately but couldn’t be entirely sure for the crowd. Excusing himself from the conversation, he moved with the grace of a cat, eyes never leaving you, sat at the table with a glass of something dark in your hand.

Memories of the group home came flooding back to him, of your laugh and smile, that echoed only feet away from him. He remembered the nights spent talking for hours on the floor of your room about your ambitions and how you were both gonna ditch the place for good. Flashes of you crying, upset at one of the other kids because they said something that hit a little too close to home for you, cuddled into his side as he pressed soft kisses to the top of your head. His whole world fell apart the day you went your separate ways. He needed you just as much as you needed him if not more because you were there in the early hours of the morning when he couldn’t sleep, when he had lost all his cockiness and his wit, coming to you with nothing but glassy eyes and vulnerability.

He continued to stare, unsure of what to do as everything moved in slow motion. It was new to him, this experience of being stuck for a plan, but, he was interrupted as another man came over, a little more drunk than he should’ve been, cheering at Billy. He lost sight of you, just for a moment he took his eyes off you and he pushed past the drunken businessman and into the crowd to get to you. A few people made noises of complaint, quickly hushing as they recognised him.

He appeared by your table, leaving the crowd behind and just gaping at you. He couldn’t believe you were here, and looking like you did? Your eyes perfectly framed by your eyeliner, your dress hugging all the right places and your heels highlighting the shape of your legs? All that ran through his head were words of praise.

Emma stood suddenly from the table, approaching Billy and you watched curious as to where she was going until your eyes landed on him. “Y/N, this is Billy, my boss, he's the host of the party.” She explained. A cheshire grin painting itself on her features. You stood, taking a step towards him and offering your hand. He glanced down at it and his eyebrows furrowed for a split second. Didn’t you recognise him? He took your hand and shook it once, forgetting to take his back. You had to admit, he was incredibly handsome, but there was something about him that you couldn’t quite shake.

“A pleasure to meet you, sir.” You offered a genuine smile, looking into his almost black eyes. He gave a tight smile back, a pang of disappointment shooting through his chest. His hand still held yours and some of the girls giggled amongst themselves. “Uh..” You began awkwardly before an important looking man requested Billy to follow him. His eyes flickered down to your hands and he quickly recoiled, a light flush dusting his cheeks as he leant closer to you so only you could hear him. A whisper of a few words left you dumbfounded.

You sat back down, staring through the table. Those words. They triggered something in your brain, flipped a switch. Billy… Billy Russo from the group home. Your mind began racing with the memories of him.

You sobbed, body shaking and hot tears trailing down your cheeks. Billy’s hands moved to cup your jaw, thumbs wiping away the salty droplets. You pressed your head into his palm, the warmth soothing you. You’d just confided in him, told him everything about your past, your parent’s death, your uncle’s suicide all of it. He was the first person you’d opened up to who didn’t just leave. His eyes held a deep sadness but they were also full of love for you. He brought your head into his chest, letting you bury yourself in his hoodie, the sound of your sniffles and heavy breathing muffled by the soft material. Looking up at him, you wiped your face with the sleeve of your shirt and laughed at the wet patches you’d left on his own. He gently pulled your chin up to look him in the eye and said;

“And here you are living, despite it all.”

It hit you like a brick wall and you stood so swiftly that your chair fell backwards behind you. Not bothering to explain yourself you charged through the crowd in the same direction he disappeared in, shrugging off the obvious sounds of disgust at your rudeness. Your eyes raked through the ocean of people, the sounds of obnoxious laughing, energetic jazz and the exaggerated old men’s stories filled your ears becoming unbearable. You span, frantic to find him and explain yourself as you replayed the memory over and over in your head. Bodies bumped and clashed with your own pushing you around until you collided with a firm chest. Spinning on your heel you looked at who you’d hit.

Your eyes met and you couldn’t look away. It was him, standing tall and looking at you with that signature grin. You let out a laugh in sheer disbelief before wrapping your arms around his neck. He quickly returned the embrace, nuzzling into your hair and glad you’d remembered him even if it took those words to jog your memory. He couldn’t blame you for wanting to forget that place.

“I’m so sorry, I didn’t realise, I tried looking everywhere for you after we were separated but I-” You rambled over his shoulder as he softly pushed you back just enough for you to look at him. “Maybe you didn’t look quite hard enough?” He suggested, cocking an eyebrow in jest. You scoffed and rolled your eyes, laughing as you slapped his chest lightly. You looked back up at him, turning serious. “I mean it, Billy, I tried everything and it led nowhe-” You were cut off by him shushing you quietly. “You’re here now, that’s all that matters.” He whispered, tucking a stray strand of hair behind your ear. You instinctively leant into his hand, feeling at ease in his presence again. Tears threatened to spill but he pulled you into a tight hug again before they could.

The music faded into something a little softer, and he threaded his fingers into yours tugging you towards the dancefloor. You snorted, rather unladylike, but he just turned back and laughed. “Good to know that hasn’t changed.”

Pulling you closer, his hands moved to just above your hips, ever the gentleman, and started to sway you both to the music. He smirked noticing the blush on your cheeks and you shook your head looking down with a giggle. Who would’ve thought you’d find each other again all these years later? Leading two entirely different lives despite such a similar beginning. He pressed his lips to your forehead, leaving them there for a moment before you looked up at him again. You sighed, content and lay your head against his chest, closing your eyes and taking in the moment, relishing in the fact you had him back. Only this time, you didn’t plan on letting him go.

Reading through your blog, I'm very confused by your aversion to Daniel. I worked as a brand ambassador at the candian gp (handing out Monster Energy cans, but brand ambassador looks v sexy on my resume) in 2017, didn't meet him then but he popped by the monster energy booth and chatted with the guys and gals there, everyone absolutely adored him, apparently he made everyone laugh, poured half a monster can into his redbull bottle and took photos with everyone there, they were all gushing about him for days. I did get lucky enough to meet him last year during a spontaneous opportunity as a media staff member at the French gp ( btw got paid more for handing out energy drinks in Montreal, which- wild but I'll take it) and he was one of the nicest people I met that weekend, second only to Toto. The whole encounter had to be like 30 seconds and he was obviously in a hurry but he asked everyone if they were enjoying themselves and said he hoped the wind blew away my Mercedes hat "never to be seen again" lmfao, with a blindingly dazzling smile plastered on and signing everything he could reach which is alot more than I can say about other drivers I met that weekend. Just don't understand why he gives you such rancid vibes ?

I don't particularly have an aversion to Daniel, I think he's a good driver and he's a lot of fun as a character in the sport. He's great at engaging fans and good with publicity, which F1 desperately needs to continue having sponsors, etc.

He's also very decently engaged with grassroots motorsport (via his karting series) and this year he's shown real growth on considering political issues and his own responsibilities and place within the public sphere around those.

He's very wily and able to make F1 work for him - that is a skill and as I've said, often one that the drivers who end up out on their ear in FE or WEC lack. It is part of the game and the sport and it doesn't make him manipulative or malicious to be able to play it. It does mean a lot of his answers are often eye-rollingly PR'd which gets faintly tedious as a journalist but he's by far from the worst offender in that category.

He's a fun guy to have on the F1 grid. I think a lack of extreme enthusiasm (in tumblr terms) for him, on my part, gets read as criticism or an active dislike when it's just like. He's good on track and always has been, I've warmed to him as a person this year after finding him a bit bro-ish for the past few (not that that impacts his performance in F1 or what I'd write about him) and he's got a fair few years still ahead of him on the grid, I believe he'll win more races.

I guess I don't think he's like, a cute ray of sunshine but I don't really think that about any drivers cus they're all adults. Daniel, specifically, has peeved me with no homo jokes in the past, which I don't think should have a place in the sport but I genuinely think he's been learning this year and don't expect to see him continue that. Equally yknow, dropped a slur once and immediately apologised which is a lot better than *narrows eyes* some drivers.

But yeah, nothing against the guy* and he's been doing good stuff about mental health, in particular, this year as well as performing exceptionally well on track.

*apart from my special exemption card that says I'm way too middle eastern to feel anything other than visceral horror about shoeys 😫😷

I'm gonna make 2 requests, because I'm greedy and a little Cryptage starved right now. Also, you write so good and you have this way of turning a phrase that makes me super jealous so here goes. 1) FAKE DATING! Just... always with the fake dating. 2) Not sure how the lore works on your au but if it's applicable, either vamp crypto accidentally exposing wolf mirage to silver or wolf mirage exposing vamp crypto to sunlight.

;; Be as greedy as you want, sweetums. I love writing your prompts and also love you so it works out. uwu

Also, anything to keep me from falling asleep lol

I'll write your second request in a different post, but it'll be a bit. I write kinda slowly chjdjw ;;

--

Elliott Witt has had a lot of things happen to him. He's had first loves, first kisses, first everythings. He's done a lot in his life, but, in all his years of living and loving, he didn't think fake dating his rival would ever make the list. It did, though, as much as both of them resented it.

One of the promotional managers had called them in for a quick meeting. Basically, he laid down that they were to start appearing in public more and that they were doing it together. At first, Elliott had been on board. Having more time in the limelight sounded amazing, but then came in Park, who was now going to be his boyfriend.

Now, he's not saying Park's disgusting or revolting or that he isn't comfortable enough with his sexuality to be able to freely hug and tell his buddies he loves them (because, well, his only friends are a lesbian and a drug addict for the most part), but he's straight, a ladies man! Sure, the kid's pretty and everything, but he's not feminine either. He has his own special type of charm that's not entirely easy to put into words. (He has nice legs, though. Elliott will give him that much.)

He's glad, though, that he's not the only one entirely against this. Park managed to miss a lot of meet 'n greets, forgoing seeing his fans and opting out of photo shoots. He's rarely seen in public, and, if he is, he looks about as shady as a drug dealer—hiding his face, oversized clothing, etc. He hates the spotlight, Elliott quickly figured out, and that was his only real issue with this whole ordeal.

And when Elliott pointed out that he seemed to be perfectly fine with dating him, he called him what he assumes are curse words and insults in his native tongue before telling him he'd sooner date Nox.

However, their word was final, and the two were now a "couple" in the eyes of the public. Their fellow competitors were allowed insight on their little "agreement," and they did what any supportive friends would do: they laughed and wished the new couple a happy life.

Today was their first official "date" as a couple, so Elliott intended for it to be at least somewhat decent for them. He was aware Park hated public places, but they wanted them to be seen in public together. He couldn't please both parties, so he decided a small, family restaurant would be their destination. There wasn't a lot of people that normally visited, but Elliott was a personal fan of the food served there. The atmosphere was warm and friendly and he's sure Park would appreciate that much.

Why am I trying so hard again…?

Shrugging, he pulled on his second nicest jacket—a nice yellow shade that went well with his white shirt and blue jeans. His hair was done up in its usual style, though he lacked the goggles he normally wore, so his hair fell in his eyes a bit. He was sure Park wasn't going to try too hard, so he didn't either. It was a casual outing, after all; no need for either to wear anything extravagant.

Well, Elliott was wrong when Park met up with him wearing a white turtleneck, a nice black blazer, and matching slacks. He suspects a turtleneck because he's at least trying to hide his cybernetic implantations without being too obvious and still looking like effort was put in. There was such a stark color difference, though—he felt like the sun next to the moon.

"Oh, h-hey, you look…" Elliott trailed off, unsure if he should give a genuine compliment or play it off like a joke—but he's already stuttered, so he may as well commit, "… good—you dress up nice."

"Paquette and Wraith helped." He huffed, stuffing his hands into his pockets. "I wouldn't have put in so much effort otherwise."

"Such a heartbreaker, Kim."

Elliott chuckled before reaching out and opening the door, gesturing for him to hop inside his car. The hacker rolled his eyes before slipping inside, the trickster shutting it before hurrying to the other side.

"Where are we going?" Park asked once Elliott was inside, turning the engine on and beginning to leave the complex.

"I know you don't like public places, and a movie is a terrible first date, so I picked out a small family restaurant that has some of the best lemon cakes I've tasted. Not to mention some people will see us, together, so it'll make the higher-ups happy, y'know?"

"Hm. You're smarter than I thought you were."

"I'm full of surprises, sugar."

"Don't push your luck with this 'dating' thing, Witt."

"Oh! That reminds me—we should probably establish some boundaries." Elliott took a right, keeping his eyes on the road but focus elsewhere. "Personally, I don't really care. So long as we don't have sex, I think I'm good otherwise. How about you?"

"No kissing, holding hands, touching in general, stupid pet names, or sex."

"… Well, you've eliminated every possible way of showing we're 'dating.' Anymore you wanna ban there, kid?" Elliott sighed, stopping at a red light and looking over to where Park was seated, glaring out the window. "This is definitely more like a friendly outing, if anything, but no one's gonna talk about us if we just seem like friends. Higher-ups will have our necks."

"I take back what I said earlier. You're an idiot if you think I care about whether or not they're happy with what I do."

"All right, fair point. Can we at least hold hands? That shouldn't be too much to ask."

Park sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose and sinking into his seat. "Fine. If it'll get them out of our business, we can do that. But only for a few seconds."

"Gotcha. Man, whoever dated you in the past must've been as touch-adv—avd—ad—ad… adverse as you."

"…"

"…"

"…"

"… Holy shit—you've never dated anybody."

"Shut up."

"No, no, that just makes this whole thing worse!" Elliott began driving again once the red light changed to green. His eyes returned to the road as well, though he was no less focused on the topic at hand. "You're experiencing a date for the first time with someone you don't even like, a-and that's not fair!"

"I—"

"No, y'know what? No, you're getting a date. Getting everything! You're getting the ol' Mirage charm, gonna get swept right off your feet."

"Witt—"

"No buts! You're being dragged out of your cave and getting screwed out of a first date with someone you're actually interested in. The least I can do is be as good to you as possible."

Park only stared at him, silent, before an amused breath left him, letting himself smile. "Okay."

—;;

Park wasn't a conversationalist, Elliott quickly found out. He was very quiet and reserved, which didn't help much either. He was, however, a great listener, and Elliott loved to talk, so, in a way, it worked out for the better.

The small restaurant they were seated in was relatively quiet, but they could hear hushed whispers about them being together, seated in a secluded booth that helped alleviate any anxiety Park might have with being seen by a bunch of people.

The holographic expert had ordered himself a steak, medium rare, with a salad on the side. He opted out for any alcohol, since he was the driver and he had no idea if Park was comfortable dealing with someone drunk, so all he ordered was some tea. Park, though, only asked for steak fries and a soda.

"Y'know," Elliott said after taking a sip of his tea, "you should get more meat in your diet. Helps build muscle, gets some meat on your bones."

"Hm…"

"C'mon! You also never join us for dinner. Or lunch—or, actually, I don't… see you eat. You eat, right?"

"Yes."

Elliott hummed in suspicion, a hand smoothing down his beard, though Park's stoic gaze didn't relent any. "All right… What do you normally eat?"

"Usually from whatever takeout menu is closer."

"… How are you even standing right now?" Elliott looked sad for a moment before shaking his head. "Let's make a quick deal here—"

"We've already made a deal."

"Let's make another. If you agree to come out of your cave for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, I'll agree to do whatever you want. Anything. Well, except really bad stuff. Like, I won't kill someone. Too far."

It was Park's turn to hum, taking a sip from his straw, before placing the glass on the table. "I benefit from this more than you do."

"I get the benefit of helping my sweet sugar plum get better, even if it's just a little bit."

Park raised a brow. "What did I say about pushing luck?"

"Ya love me. You wouldn't leave me on our date like this… Well, I hope not."

Park wanted to roll his eyes, say "I would and I will," but he didn't. He kept silent, giving Elliott a look, who seemingly took the hint and changed subject.

"So, have you ever been asked out before?"

"Isn't that a bad topic for dates?"

"Just curious. Feel free to not say. Besides, it's not a real date."

"Don't let them hear you say that." Park stirred his drink with his straw absentmindedly, watching it fizz up at his ministrations. "No, no one's ever asked me out."

"Really?"

"You sound surprised."

Elliott laughed in disbelief. "Well, yeah! I mean, you're…"

"What?"

"I dunno—gorgeous, beautiful, cool and mysterious! You'd think girls would be all over you."

"I'm not exactly pleasant to be around, Witt. I'd think you'd have figured that out by now."

The trickster waved a hand, like he was denying Park's claim. "You're rough around the edges, but you're not horrible." He shrugged, taking another sip from his drink. "I'm sure someone out there's just dying to wanna date you! Or maybe you haven't met them yet. Who knows!"

Park let another faint smile curl his lips, looking into his drink. "Who knows, indeed."

—;;

Day two of their time as a couple was during a duos match (of course it was just them), and Elliott had counted this as possibly his most unlucky match.

They had landed at Epicenter and Park landed on top of the tower, alone, and Elliott landed on the ground with two other squads, one consisting of Nox and Octavio and the other being Natalie and Ajay. Nox had trained his sights on him immediately and began chasing him down (the sadistic bastard), and he had to rush to find a gun. All he could find was a P2020, and it wasn't exactly a fair match against the scientist's Spitfire.

Neither of them had any shields, but just a couple of shots from the toxic trapper's gun was enough to down him, slipping on ice and colliding with the hard ground.

"Oh—fuck!" the trickster cursed, trying to crawl away from the man towering over him. "C-C'mon, Caustic, don't you have anyone else to shoot at?"

"No."

"That's a lie and you know it."

However, before Nox could kill him off, the sound of a Sentinel going off, following by Nox quickly being down, sent a wave of relief through his system, looking over onto the cliff to see Park perched atop it, the bolt-action sniper in his hands.

No scope. That's kinda hot.

The hacker had shot off a few more rounds, and Elliott could hear Octavio shout in pain, before he began sliding down the hill, swapping out his sniper for a Wingman. The revolver was shot off twice before Nox's death box suddenly popped up in front of him, signaling the end of that squad.

However, they still had Natalie and Ajay, though they'd been injured by Octavio. They were clinging to D.O.C.'s healing up until Park tosses a grenade where they were healing. Natalie hadn't escaped fast enough, and she ended up downed, whereas Ajay was only injured.

She put up a fight, firing off her Alternator with frightening precision, and, had Park not hit his shots, he would've been killed off.

However, the man calmly approaching his fallen teammate was enough of an indicator that he won that battle, only a few wounds and scratches indicating his prior struggle.

"Kid, if I didn't know better," he said, pausing to let out a grunt at the syringe being plunged into his chest, "I'd think you're trying to show off and steal my heart."

For a moment, Park was silent, helping Elliott back to his feet, before a smirk crossed those dashing fractures, looking up at the other with a faint sense of mirth dancing in his eyes.

"Did it work?"

For once in his life, Elliott was left stunned, mouth open, unable to formulate a response, before the surveillance expert left to loot.

He regained his senses after a moment, blinking himself back into reality, and shutting his mouth.

Kid's full of surprises.

—;;

Their third date wasn't for the public. Their third date wasn't even suggested by Elliott. Park had just grabbed Elliott by the arm, dragged him out to god-knows-where, late at night, and laid down on a small hill. He didn't say anything, didn't give any explanation, and, honestly, Elliott didn't expect anything less. He just laid down beside the other, looked up at the stars, and let out a breath.

However, as Park's own mind was clear, hands resting on his stomach and a leg bent at the knee, Elliott's own was filled with thoughts of confusion, his hands behind his head, acting as a pillow.

Park was such a strange guy. One day, he acts like he's the bane of his existence, and, the next, he's smiling and making quips that make Elliott's heart race. Elliott's been with a lot of people, and he's learned a lot from his time with them, but there's never been a time where they've made him feel like… this.

They never badger him about his gross, smelly hair spray, they never playfully banter with him, they never push him off of exploding trains, and they certainly never made him speechless, never made him feel like he lost the ability to function. They never treated him like a person. They always just treated him like… Mirage.

"Hyeon?"

"Hm?"

"I don't think I'm straight."

"Mm. What makes you say that?"

"Because I think I'm in love with you."

Park smiled, letting out a quiet laugh. "You don't even know how I feel about you."

"I don't. You're weird, and you're never forward w-with how you feel, but… I just… thought you should, y'know, know, since we're doing this whole… thing."

"Mm. The fake dating thing?"

"The fake dating thing, yeah."

"… Do you want it to be fake anymore?"

Elliott turned into his side, Park own head moving to meet his gaze. "No."

"Mm. Good." Park's head turned back to the stars, shutting his eyes. "Neither did I."