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bakuhatsufallinlove · 18 days

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Does Izuku Think His Feelings For Katsuki Are Gross? (or, DvK2's Endless Emporium of Nuance)

This is a pretty common sentiment I see repeated, and we all know the source of it: Deku vs. Kacchan 2.

Original Japanese and official English translation.

Crunchyroll subtitles

In one translation, Izuku expresses discomfort over this topic; in the other, he outright declares it to be gross.

That is quite the difference. I gotta say, Crunchyroll’s direct “This is gross” kind of shocks me, because it functionally ignores the key adverb “sasuga ni” and translates the line the same as you would if he hadn’t said it at all. The official manga translator, on the other hand, clearly made a decision about what Izuku meant by that phrase and then dispersed that meaning across the line as a whole.

So I understand why people have this straight-forward interpretation.

I’m here to offer some linguistic nuance, because my main problem with “Izuku thinks his feelings are gross” is not that it is completely wrong. It’s that it isn’t the whole story.

There are two really important phrases to take into account: kimi ni wa ienai and sasuga ni.

To illustrate their meaning, let’s split the line into two sections:

Note: Grammatically, kara belongs in the first section. I’m lumping it into the second section for the sake of isolating the core ideas expressed in the first section and maintaining clarity in the second.

Now we’re going to break the sections down into their constituent parts. This looks like a verbatim nightmare of a translation, because it is, but trust me, it’s a useful exercise.

Kara links the two sections by showing that the first section directly causes the second. Something worth noting is that Izuku does not use past tense here—he uses present tense and indicates a continuous, unchanged state. He has not been able to before and still cannot tell this to Katsuki. I would argue this also suggests he thinks the circumstances will not change for the foreseeable future.

Important Phrase #1: kimi ni wa ienai

Ienai is the negative potential form of “to say,” which means it is not possible for him to say it. Iwanai, on the other hand, is the negative present tense, and if he had used iwanai instead, that might suggest that he has some choice in the matter. Examples in English might be, “That’s why I don’t tell you this,” “That’s why I’m not telling you this,” and “That’s why I haven’t told you this,” which all express intentional withholding despite opportunity. To use a form that specifically denies the possibility serves to center limitation, regardless of desire.

The combination of the two particles ni and wa are used to emphasize, compare, and contrast. This is extremely telling just on its own. Izuku is emphasizing the fact that, compared to everyone he could possibly tell, he cannot tell Katsuki this. He might be able to tell other people, but when it comes to Katsuki, he cannot. Ienai does not specify where the limitation stems from, but ni wa sure implies it.

Now let’s dig into the phrase that does the most heavy-lifting in the first section.

Important Phrase #2: sasuga ni

Sasuga ni is the adverb Izuku attaches to the adjective kimochi warui (gross or creepy). It is typically translated “as expected” because this kind of adverb sounds awkward in English. “This is expectedly gross” is not a sentence people say much. You might also see it translated “as I thought,” “naturally,” “obviously,” or “indeed.”

And there is something interesting here: Izuku uses a second word that means “as expected” on this page.

Yappari, which can also be translated as “in the end,” “sure enough,” or “after all is said and done.”

I researched the nuances of these two phrases, synthesizing definitions and examples from four different Japanese dictionaries/encyclopedias and two forum boards for language tutoring from native speakers. My conclusions as related to their usage here:

Yappari indicates:

an outcome that was expected (example: “I tried, but sure enough, I failed.”)

something that remains unchanged [in the state it was previously or in other circumstances]

a situation where, no matter how you think about it, you end up with the same result (example: “I was really torn over it, but in the end I gave up on going.”)

Sasuga ni indicates:

[you, the speaker] must acknowledge that this is the natural result of the situation up to this point (example: “they grew up in a big family, so naturally they are good with kids.”)

something exceeds the permissible range, or that it may be permissible under certain conditions, but not others (example: “no matter how nice a guy he is, if he was accused of something unfairly, he’s bound to get angry.”)

You can see the meanings overlap, but the sentiments are a bit different. I saw someone learning Japanese say that every time they used one of these phrases, native speakers told them they should have used the other one instead. Another learner responded that, from their observations, the distinction appeared to be that yappari is used when the speaker had personally thought about and expected this outcome, while sasuga ni suggests that everyone would agree with this statement.

I’m not sure this is true across the board; usage always varies, even among native speakers, so generalizations are only useful up to a point, but I have to admit, a bunch of little things I noticed in my research do support this line of thinking.

If yappari tends to be more reflective of the speaker’s personal thoughts and expectations, sasuga ni’s “acknowledgment of a natural result” could indeed imply external validation. This is true of the equivalent English words, at least: naturally and obviously both suggest that any reasonable person would accept it as fact.

In fact, permissible as an idea kind of hinges on social norms—what is reasonable for someone to put up with? What behaviors sit within the realms of welcome, allowable, or excusable based on your relationship?

In my opinion, Izuku feels like he cannot say this to Katsuki because it exceeds the bounds of what is permissible between them. If sasuga ni implies Izuku feels sure that anyone would agree with his assessment, Katsuki is absolutely included in that.

Izuku is not saying, “I alone think this is gross, so I can’t tell you.”

He is saying, “Considering everything that has happened between us up till now, you would obviously see this as gross, so I can’t tell you.” Its grossness is a natural result of the situation—their history, the way their relationship fell apart, the way Katsuki lashes out, how he can barely stand Izuku’s presence, let alone his emotional honesty.

Chapter 10, during Deku vs. Kacchan 1

But remember that this sentence is a fragment: the subject of Izuku’s sentence is revealed in the second half, and it is the fact that he runs his mouth when he wants to win more than he wants to save.

This is what is gross. Izuku acknowledges that the behavior itself is unpleasant, and that any reasonable person would agree with that. His whole identity as a hero is based on saving people, so he feels some real discomfort when he has to recognize that sometimes he just wants to win. In fact, he can want victory so much that it supersedes his desire to help people.

Izuku has intentionally emulated Katsuki’s practical tactics, but this is about instinctive response. He wasn’t standing there facing Muscular, thinking the winning move was definitely to scream, “shut up.” He was furious, so he wanted to win and make that guy shut up.

When the scale tips, he acts out. He talks shit. He screams at people and insults them, because that’s what Katsuki does. These are all unacceptable behaviors, socially-speaking. Katsuki constantly and intentionally acts the exact opposite of how he should to qualify as a Good Japanese Boy. Izuku, on the other hand, plays the part faithfully, at least until it demands he betray his core values.

Deku vs. Kacchan 2 showcases how neither Izuku nor Katsuki had fully accepted the heroism of their counterpart. Katsuki is uncomfortable with Izuku’s innate capacity to help others, to see their need and meet it without question. Izuku is uncomfortable with craving victory, with that indomitable drive to seek glory. They each admired All Might for the value they themselves embody, and they admired each other for the value they lacked, but that doesn’t mean their admiration was uncomplicated.

Katsuki is a loud-mouthed, aggressive jerk, but Izuku ends up acting just like him. He clearly feels conflicted about it. He’s annoyed and hurt that Katsuki pushed him away by being such a jerk in the first place. And, from his perspective, he fails every time he tries to wrangle their relationship into something less miserable. He might even be embarrassed over the simple fact that he has held on to these deep-seated emotions for years over someone who wants nothing to do with him. He wishes things were different. He doesn’t know how they could be, anymore. He wants to connect, but he can’t.

Izuku frames his inability to express this specific thought as natural and reasonable. Obviously, there’s no way I could do this. And honestly, he is probably right. After all, this is a very intimate, revealing thing to tell someone who seems to hate your guts and has for years.

At any other point in the story, Katsuki probably would have curled his lip in disgust and barked out Izuku’s exact words, “Gross.”

But in DvK2, Katsuki bears his heart to Izuku without restraint.

Katsuki confesses something painful and private to Izuku twice, at two separate moments.

Izuku has two confessions, too. Here's the first:

But the second he admits only to himself and the audience.

Maybe if Izuku had said his “image of victory” monologue out loud, Katsuki could have had his own moment of understanding:

Izuku’s reaction after Katsuki’s second confession.

Maybe Katsuki wasn’t ready to hear it, or maybe Izuku was too chicken to believe he was ready. Either way, he needed to voice both confessions, and he didn’t.

So the narrative punishes Izuku for failing to push past his own limitations.

In the battle of revealing their honne—their true feelings, their truest selves—Katsuki risked it all.

Izuku couldn’t do the same, and that’s why he loses.

Don’t forget that underestimating your opponent is one of the easiest ways to lose a fight in MHA.

But I want to reiterate, Izuku feels conflicted about this behavior and his own feelings, not ashamed.

Emotional conflict is borne from two or more simultaneous, contradictory feelings. Izuku admits that any reasonable person would see the way he unconsciously imitates even Katsuki’s bad habits as gross, but he also clearly tells us something else.

Izuku is directly expressing his own thoughts about it, and the most important phrase is nanoni, which according to online encyclopedia Kotobank, “indicates that the following is contradictory to the preceding matter” and specifically, “includes critical feelings about the contradiction between” those two things. The latter point is unique because other words often used for “but” (such as kedo, which he used earlier in the form of dakedo) do not necessarily do this.

In the final line, one little detail here is the orange highlighted nda. This is used to explain and correlate topics of discussion. The most obvious point of explanation is why he acts this way. But the use of nanoni to connect this thought to the previous one tells us that this line is also explaining why Izuku doesn’t hate it.

Katsuki is his image of victory, and that alone is the reason he does not find this part of himself unacceptable. Just like with sasuga ni, Izuku is telling us that he understands the way other people would see this situation, and he knows what he “should” feel, but then he tells us that he does not feel that way.

I know it is very easy to see “This is gross, so I can’t tell you” at the start of this monologue, skip right to “image of victory,” and walk away thinking that Izuku is ashamed of that specifically, but the details show that the opposite is true.

And let’s not forget the nuance of yappari, which implies that Izuku has personally thought about this fact over and over, but it has always been this way.

I have seen people say that Katsuki is the one letting Izuku set the pace of their new relationship and that Izuku holds back, with this presumed shame as the cause. But I don’t think that acknowledges Izuku’s perspective on their dynamic, nor the casual mutualism they build together.

Katsuki initiated DvK2: a unique, closed “event” wherein, for the first time, they each expressed their vulnerabilities as much as they were able. But immediately outside the confines of DvK2, Izuku is the one who reaches out, as a gesture of reciprocation towards Katsuki for having initiated this change.

He is asking Katsuki's opinion, but what this gesture means is, “I don’t want us being honest with each other to end there. I still want you in my life.”

And maybe for the first time in years, Katsuki actually understands what Izuku means, and reaches back.

Look at these fucking nerds.

Notice that Izuku responds to Katsuki twice. At the first response, Katsuki has offered his observations and given him valid criticism on his technique, which is a show of goodwill. But then, Katsuki continues even when the admission reflects a personal weakness, with Izuku's punch having caught him off guard. This is actual honesty, and it means that they didn't just resolve their aggression and reset to neutral peers, but that Katsuki wants to be close, too. And just like during their fight, understanding comes the second time around.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: from Izuku’s point of view, Katsuki’s shitty behavior was the only thing that stood between them, because Izuku’s core feelings for him never changed.

Izuku lets Katsuki decide what is permissible between them, because Katsuki is the one who pushed him away in the first place. He opens the door just enough to say, “Whatever you want to give of yourself, I will accept.”

After that, Katsuki is the one making the big gestures by taking time out of his own life to discuss OFA with Izuku and All Might and help Izuku by training with him, even inserting himself into situations when he isn't asked. At every point, we see Izuku receive Katsuki with warmth and then follow up with smaller gestures of his own.

Chapters 202, 209, 249, and 327.

The reason we see so much of Katsuki’s side of their relationship, especially after DvK2, is because his feelings are the ones that change the most: from dysfunctional to self-aware and accepting. He has struggled for years over Izuku’s place in his life. He didn’t understand Izuku or his own feelings, and he was wrapped up in denial. He tells himself again and again that Izuku is “beneath him,” when we know the truth is he always thought Izuku was better than him.

Comparatively, Izuku resolves his conflicted feelings about his admiration for Katsuki much quicker, because the source of his conflict was primarily external while Katsuki's was primarily internal.

Chapter 257

A little detail I love about the "I'm too blessed" moment is that Izuku thinks of his conversations with Katsuki as "normal(?)" with a literal question mark attached. Is this normal? He doesn't really know. But it's enough. Kacchan is Kacchan, explosive and outrageous and way too much, all the time. Maybe they'll never be what other people think of as "normal," but Izuku is happy just to have Kacchan as he is, and be there however Kacchan will have him.

Katsuki's ideal has always been Izuku; he tried to outrun that fact and failed every time. Meanwhile, Izuku’s image of victory has always been Kacchan, and he has just been waiting for Kacchan to want to hear that from him.

Everyone has been wondering if Izuku will ever tell him. Me, personally, I'm hoping their story will end with a mutual declaration of their shared truth.

"You have always been my hero."

#bkdk #bakudeku #mha 10 #mha 118 #mha 119 #mha 120 #mha 121 #mha 202 #mha 209 #mha 249 #mha 257 #mha 327 #deku vs kacchan 2 #meta #I hope you all appreciate the neurotic depths my research went to #never again shall I forget the difference between yappari and sasuga ni #I didn't mean to give a grand tour of Izuku being incredibly in love and receptive to whatever Kacchan wants to give him #it just happened!

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transdimensional-void · 7 months

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"ascendance of a bookworm" and the centrality of education

something "bookworm" recognizes that i think a lot of other isekai miss is that myne's greatest advantage from her past life isn't her knowledge of certain technologies or products. it's her education.

this is obviously true in the lower city, where most of the people around her have received zero formal education; but it is even true among the highest levels of nobility, where the standard amount of formal education is six terms at the royal academy. that's three months of the year for six years, and nobles intentionally budget their time at the academy to spend more of it on socializing than they do on education. outside of the academy, many nobles receive some form of private tutoring, but the quality, quantity, and consistency vary widely from person to person.

compare that to urano's university-level education in modern-day japan. she spent a minimum of sixteen years attending school for most of the day for most of the year. and it shows.

one of the moments from the series that has really stuck with me is the scene where ferdinand reads myne's memories and experiences, from her point of view, what her education was like: year after year, across her entire childhood, with many different teachers, in many different subjects, in many different classrooms, surrounded by other children her age. the way seeing that allows him to finally grasp why she seems so uniquely capable of being taught compared to other people he knows. it's not that she's some sort of unparalleled genius. it's merely that she's been conditioned to perform academically and that she's been taught how to learn.

and each time myne "ascends" within jurgenschmidt society and is forced to perform in a new environment with minimal time to learn its ways, this conditioning serves her well. she knows how to sit down at a desk, crack open the books, and study until she's got it. equally, having received a comprehensive education puts her far ahead of the average jurgenschmidt citizen in terms of being able to synthesize information from a variety of sources and see how disparate phenomena are interrelated. when she arrives, she may not know anything about jurgenschmidt's economy, government, social structure, etc., but she knows that they exist, are worth learning about, are having a huge effect on her own life, and can be manipulated to her own ends.

what's more, her belief in the fundamentality of education is the single force driving the greatest amount of change within jurgenschmidt. yes, the printing press is the most revolutionary technology she introduces, but her educational reforms will have more immediate and farther-reaching effects.

by the point in the story we're currently at in the english translation (p5v7), she has improved educational access and outcomes for the following:

specific people in the lower city of ehrenfest (lutz, tuuli, kamil, those wealthy enough to purchase her picture books and toys)

those in the ehrenfest temple orphanage (said to receive a level of education equivalent to the average mednoble)

members of some farming villages of ehrenfest (those who have been visited by gray priests over winter hibernation)

all noble children of ehrenfest (through the winter playroom and better grades committee, as well as her educational materials)

some nobles in other duchies (those who have gained access to her picture books and educational toys, and those who have been personally influenced by her, such as hannelore and hildebrand)

commoners with the devouring in ehrenfest like dirk, who can receive funding from the aub to receive a noble education

no, she hasn't yet introduced mandatory, free public education, but she's laid the foundation for it. she has introduced educational reform at multiple levels of society and, more importantly, impressed its importance upon key authority figures, such as sylvester, charlotte, and melchior. that ensures that her reforms have staying power.

this is one of the things i adore about this series: the realism of the societal changes myne brings about. a lesser story would have shown her introducing free, compulsory education for all commoners within the space of a few years. that would have been nice, but it wouldn't have felt real. instead, myne has achieved every small reform through sheer bull-headedness, with blood, sweat, and tears, with immense effort. and that makes her accomplishments feel meaningful in a way an easy win would not. and yet we see widespread change, inertia that we can envision snowballing into the kind of education system urano enjoyed in japan somewhere in the not-to-distant future.

myne's societal reforms feel earned, and it all begins with the story's recognition of the immeasurable value of the education she received back in japan.

#ascendance of a bookworm #ranting again about the things i love in this series

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shigayokagayama · 2 months

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The Beach Omake And Authorial Intent

initially i was going to save this for a big teru analysis i had cooking however i eventually ended up deciding that it would feel like a really long tangent in its original context and probably deserves a separate post.

when it comes to the whole "teru's parents" thing i generally see two competing ideas on it

a. terus absent parents are the real villains of mob psycho and are the direct cause of everything wrong with his life and any and all teru analysis must center around this fact

b. terus parents being absent in the first place is only revealed in an omake and only exists for plot convenience and is not something that should be focused on at all when writing him

and whenever i see either of these my mind always drifts to the question of authorial intent. i know how people are reading this information, but how are we supposed to? i know death of the author is becoming more of a common thing in fandom spaces (albeit usually misused) but i feel like a better understanding of why this omake exists and how we're supposed to read it might help to better synthesize two takes that seems to be completely at odds with each other.

okay first i want to go over the actual placement of the beach omake in the update schedule of the manga because, unlike most other omakes, i feel like this ones placement in the schedule of page releases is actually super relevant

the vast majority of omakes come at the end of weekly updates. you finish reading the usually 15-20 pages ONE put out and then you get a little bonus comic at the end, usually something funny or a slice of life but but occasionally more serious. multi part omakes are usually spread out over multiple updates, making you wait a couple weeks for a punchline.

beach omake is not that. between chapters 99 (mob gets hit by a car) and 100 (the whole rest of the omake) there was a 6 week hiatus from normal pages and in this hiatus is where we get beach omake. reading it all together immediately cuts away the sort of "slice of life sunday paper comic" tone other multi part omakes have and make you read it as a part of the actual main story, since that's how you're used to reading these weekly updates.

now the actual tone. generally the multi part omakes exist to be long punchlines and the rare emotional ones are a single page for maximum impact. beach omake has a very different structure compared to, say, the haunted doll omake or the pot of happiness.

off the bat from the first two pages there's not really a joke. the tone mostly seems kind of melancholic. mobs expression for the middle section of the second page (maybe purposely) is obscured by the panel breaking off, it's hard to tell his reaction, all our attention is directed at teru. with all of the panels taken up by dialogue (primarily his own), we're being asked to focus on what he's saying:

-teru lives alone

-he lives alone because his parents live overseas

-he hasnt seen them in a while

-he doesnt like having nothing to do

-he doesnt like being alone

all of this information is delivered with an extremely casual expression from him, implying that it's not something that seems ll the out of the ordinary for him. mob, on the other hand...

the hesitation before he says anything and the way his expression is obscured seems to imply something is... off... about this information to him. this isn't a handwaved "oh mob is walking home from school after passing out because he needs to for plot reasons", we're reacting to this information like it's weird.

the next two pages are, mostly, a lot more of what we expect out of a mob psycho omake. the first one works as a standalone joke page, teru is bad at identifying animals which leads to him showing reigen a roach, something reigen is terrified of, instead of a beetle.

the second page starts similarly, we get a dumbass joke about reigen trying to pick up women at the beach (note: i think this is the singular time we get an indication reigen is even into women) but then the next two panels take on a more melancholic tone again. we get a small panel of mob and ritsu playing on the beach and a much, much larger panel of teru sitting on the beach, watching them. the dialogue bubble forces us to pay attention to the fact that he is silent.

the ending of this omake is where we bring it home. generally the last panel centers the punchline of the page, or of the whole omake, but the final panel of this isn't really what was being built to in this case.

we start our second page on teru. his expression is obscured, reigens speech bubble is shoved to the side so we can see that teru's hat is being held in his hands.

when we see his face in full view he looks... confused. he looks like he doesn't know how to react to someone going through all this trouble for him. teru is a character who, up to this moment, we have seen as extremely independent. he always rushes into things alone, he always has to be the hero, he always has to be the one to save the day. hell, this omake is immediately followed by the confession arc. where... you know.

so what are we supposed to get out of this omake?

teru's been doing everything on his own up to this point

but he doesn't have to anymore

#mp100 #mob psycho 100 #teruki hanazawa #pic #edit: even though the hair makes this difficult to date timeline wise #i like to picture this as post confession arc #i feel like it makes the most sense

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perpetual-fandom-brainrot · 6 months

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Temporary Relocation Prologue/Ch. 1

This fic is based on this drabble Basic premise: Reader got an experimental surgery and is being relocated to a military base with more specialized medical supplies to help recovery while on medical leave, and will temporarily help with missions to ensure success after.

It was some kind of new experimental technology. You were one of only a few hundred who had the privilege of getting the opportunity. When they'd called, you'd needed to request for the information to be mailed because there was so much of it. "Instinctual Prosthetics" was what they had decided to name the project. It was supposed to help military combatants, granting an animalistic advantage of some kind on the battlefield. They would synthesize physical attributes of the target animal, you couldn't wrap your head around how, and intertwine the prosthetics and artificial nerves with your body's existing nervous system. Most info beyond that was disclosed to you as "need-to-know," which told you literally nothing you felt you needed to know.

Nonetheless, you were too intrigued- and too attached to the payout you'd get for using yourself as an experiment vessel- to say no. That was how you ended up on a helicopter with a man who'd introduced himself to you as Captain John Price, with your newfound cat ears and tail still extremely sensitive to everything around them. Every time the aircraft jostled, you found yourself flinching, and every time the noise changed you wished you could press your ears to your head to make it stop. If only it wasn't too dangerous to take off those headphones, which had been specially made for you. You didn't even want to think about what the violent whirs of the overhead blades would sound like without the protection they gave.

"Touchdown in five," the pilot called back to the two of you. You barely registered it until you heard Captain Price giving a comment saying the pilot's communication went over. "This team won't be anything like what you're used to, soldier. Much more specialized, much better materials to handle your... unique recovery circumstances." The captain's explanation didn't do much to ease your nerves, but you found yourself nodding as though it did. As though it held any clues of what you'd see on Task Force 141's base. "The rest of the force should be meeting us when we land," he continued. "I expect you'll get acquainted with them over your time here." The words gained another absent nod from you. Until the heli touched down, you found your brain wandering to how this all happened in the first place.

"It's an experimental procedure," the woman over the phone explained. You could hear pages flipping in the background of her mic, "we're only offering it to a few hundred soldiers to see how it takes. There's a wide range of people who chose to go in already." Her explanation only served as further confusion.

"I... I still don't understand," you mumbled before taking a sip of your coffee, "why was I selected?" The line was tense with silence for what you wish was a small beat, before the woman sighed.

"I only know what I'm telling you, and I'm only allowed to tell you what I know." Her gentle tone was meant to be reassuring, but right then it was just pissing you off. You were going to potentially lose critical brain functions if this went wrong, and it was still on a need-to-know? Fucking government. "There is one upside, though," she spoke tentatively now, "since this is a voluntary experiment, they're offering you compensation."

"Compensation?" The word echoed off of your tongue almost as if it was alien. "I'm sorry, I'm still having a hard time wrapping my head around all of this."

"I have permission to make exactly one hard copy of this information and mail it to you. Would you like me to file the request for it?"

"Yes, please."

It hadn't felt like too long since that phone call. It probably hadn't been, if you were willing to compare hours to seconds. It had only been a few weeks since you were wheeled out of the surgery room, informed of the expected enhancements with your balance and hearing, and then immediately told about the orders for your relocation. You'd be temporarily occupying the base of a specialized and extremely classified task force, one you were sure your own generals themselves had never heard of. A few weeks since that tail was surgically implanted at the back of your spine and connected to your main nerve pathways, a few weeks since the nurses and doctors taking care of you started looking at you funny when you covered your ears from things they couldn't hear.

The harsh jostle of the helicopter landing, and the ensuing pins and needles from your still sore tail, broke you out of your trance. You took a deep breath as you stood up and removed the headphones, flinching at the more detailed sounds you knew no one else could hear, and looked up to see Captain Price awaiting your company to exit the aircraft.

"Are you ready?" He asks.

Not at all, you think, but give a verbal, "affirmative, Captain." Price doesn't walk off of the helicopter until he sees you next to him, where a small group of men wait, presumably for the two of you, in a semicircle. "So... this is the team?" You ask quietly, awkwardly, before they've noticed you. Price chuckles to himself before calling out to the group.

"Soldiers," his voice carries over the now fading whirs of the helicopter, "meet our new temporary recruit. After the medical recovery period ends, you'll all be working together out on the field. I expect you all to make good use of the remaining leave time." Nobody had to ask to know what Price meant. You'd all be stopping bullets and bombs for each other soon enough, probably too soon. He wanted a team that knew how to work together.

"What's with the cat ears?" A rough British accent calls. Your eyes flick to the source, a tall and muscular man wearing a skull mask. Your peripherals catch everyone else's eyes immediately flying to the top of your head while you make brief eye contact with the man. Your breath catches in your throat when you open your mouth to respond.

"This is the experimental procedure you were briefed about," Price stated. "I expect you all to treat this like any other new recruit. If I hear of any issues, you will be dealing with Shepherd." A collective groan came from the group as Price walked towards a gathering of buildings. Who?

"Aye Ghost, don't want them to make you a kitty cat, eh? Ya might end up too cute to fight that way," another man, a Scotsman with striking blue eyes and a mohawk, commented.

"A word, sergeant MacTavish," the Brit barked before walking into a nearby building. The Scot followed him without asking questions. You just watched the two in a daze, not sure what to make of the scene.

"What was that?" The question came from your mouth carefully.

"Don't mind them," another man, the only one left now, spoke up. He had umber skin that looked smooth, not as big of a build as the Brit but you had no doubt just as strong. "The sergeant's probably getting his fair share for talking to the lieutenant like that." As he talked, you noted he's probably better for agility. He took a step towards you and held out his hand, "I'm Kyle Garrick, Gaz on the field."

"Y/n L/n," you took a step to close the gap and firmly shook his hand. "Nice to meet you Gaz! Who are the other two? The sergeant and you said the lieutenant?"

Gaz laughed a little, the smile staying as he spoke, "the angry one in the mask, the lieutenant, is Ghost, and the Scot you saw messing with him is my fellow sergeant. His name's Soap. Those two are always at each other's throats. Bet you'll get used to it as you stay here," he took a step back after letting go of your hand. Gaz was still smiling, "and I'm assuming you know Price. There's others, but they're out on assignments if they're not stuck in the medical quarters recovering."

"Well, in that case, mind showing me the medical quarters? I'm due for an initial check-up after my briefing on the team. Pretty sure you just gave that to me."

Gaz turned and waved you on from behind, "follow me!" He called. You jogged to catch up, looking around and taking every detail in while gazing at the structures around you. Brief explanations of barracks, small hangars, different quarters and offices, the main canteen building as you passed it, everything you needed to know about getting around the base and what you need. Eventually, a building just as plain as the rest of them save for a red cross came into view. The medical quarters, you regarded it with internal relief. Your ears and spine were starting to ache again.

You even forgot to thank Gaz as you hurried in, leaving him to laugh to himself. You were definitely something. The base- the force- was going to enjoy having you.

Read the next chapter here

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silverskye13 · 1 year

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Being the universe's smartest super computer still made for a derpy, non-functional person. It was really easy for people to get caught up in the Cool Sci-Fi Shenanigans of cyborgs and robots and forget how awesome and powerful organic, sentient life was.

For example: Xisuma has a perfect memory. If someone gave him a date and a time, he could scan back through his memory logs, replay recorded data and footage, and tell you the exact recipe he used for those vegan cookies that one time six years ago. He knows the ambient temperature of a froglight that's been submerged underwater for six hours, three minutes and twenty-nine seconds. He can rewind a recorded memory, pause the time lapse, and watch in slow motion as Grian breaks a stone block at spawn with his bare hands because he was bored during their intro-season speech.

However, recorded data takes up a massive amount of memory on a standard hard drive when you record everything you see as a passive function, and all of it has to be purged by hand, regularly, just so Xisuma can maintain the memory needed for daily functions. He's tried writing algorithms to do it for him, but even the best pattern recognition software can't account for his momentary preferences. What differentiates his favorite sunrise from any other? If he were human, he could program some kind of learning software using data from tables tied to the output of different brain chemicals and electrical pulses that most frequently line up with a formative memory -- but if he were human he wouldn't be making a program like that in the first place, now would he?

It's one of those long, long days of trawling through recorded data. It would be shorter if he would just parse through the most recent memories, but he likes keeping long-term memory storage at exactly thirty percent of his total data storage, and he's been resting at thirty-four percent for the past month. Putting off the inevitable. It's just, there's been a lot of stuff to remember the past few weeks, and it's hard to choose what to get rid of sometimes. He's started deep-diving through old data, walking down memory lane. He has to be careful, some of this data is important, tied intricately with the complex spider algorithm that forms his memory data access system.

Click! Click! Click!

"What are you thinking, X?"

The screen that makes up the lion's share of X's face organizes itself into a smile, lights flickering on in the nanoseconds it takes him to process the memory he's watching and attribute happiness to it. Yes, this is a good one.

The playback jolts as he looks down at Tango. Not pictured is a redstone project they are picking away at. Xisuma knows this because this particular memory has a transcript, full of branching tags and keywords that pull up a wealth of information alongside it.

That's another thing about memory that organic life never appreciates. Memory isn't just the memory itself. It's a web of associations built on prior, learned knowledge. A tree isn't just a tree. It's color and texture and symbol and "when was the first time I drew a tree?" and "apples" and "saplings" and a thousand other tiny associations they just arbitrarily have. Xisuma has to synthesize that web. A memory doesn't exist in a vacuum. Unlike the organic mind, however, Xisuma can pull up as much accurate information as he has the processing power for. This memory brings him two more closely associated recordings, associated memories he's kept for context, the transcripts of six more deleted memories, the definition of redstone, a playback of isolated sound he deemed important.

The playback continues.

Click! Click! Click!

"What are you thinking, X?"

"Oh, I'm sorry Tango, I didn't know you'd walked up! I was doing research."

"Yeah? What kind?"

"Oh well, you know the new update. Redstone's always a little finicky after."

"Right, yeah, totally. I've been putting mine off, honestly. I don't feel like fixing broken stuff right now -- oh but, I guess you can't wait, huh?"

Xisuma parses through the data brought up with the memory. He knows the date this was recorded, the recent change to redstone mechanics brought on by the server update. He'd had three farms break. There was a linked document to a transcript of Doc's rant on redstone as it relates to radiation. There was a script note document typed the day after this recording was created: Clicking Good. There was a preliminary version of what he'd nicknamed "The Tick Script.Exe".

"Yeah, I've got a lot of bugs to fix."

"Are you going to get rid of the clicking?"

"Clicking?"

The clicking was an ambient noise made when Xisuma's system was a bit bulkier, his algorithms and scripts that handled memory and data access crude and unperfected. It caused a disc in a driver somewhere to click when he did searches. At the time, the clicking had been the closest thing to an annoying habit Xisuma could manage.

Computers don't have habits. Habits are repetitive motions that become subliminal, that take effort to break, and are oftentimes formed subconsciously. Xisuma doesn't have a discernable difference between conscious thought and subconscious. He has background processes, he has backburnered data, and he has executive commands.

Xisuma queries the memory, pulling up related tags and searches, letting the algorithm reach. This memory had been the start of a, for lack of a better term, humanification process for him. There was his observation table on organic ticks, habits, and movements. It had taken a lot of uncomfortable staring, but back then, staring was all he'd known how to do. One of the first entries on the table was blinking. Organic things blinked, clearing away dust and debris from lenses and membranes. Xisuma didn't have eyes, didn't blink. But the screen that managed his facial expression animations could be programmed to blink.

Xisuma queries blinking. He pulls up a transcript of an interaction with Stressmonster, where she mentioned he blinked every thirty seconds. She knew this because when she first noticed him blinking, she'd noticed it's regularity. That was when Xisuma learned that, to convincingly blink, time variation was necessary.

Coding randomization into redstone circuitry had always been difficult.

Xisuma returns to the Tango memory recording, replays the question about the clicking, the unintentional habit. Xisuma still clicked when he thought. The others probably still thought it had to do with bulky drivers. In reality, it had been a test in trial and error.

How many clicks was acceptable for a thinking pattern? The three dot ellipses was common in writing, and a two dot pattern was too reminiscent of a heartbeat. When he'd temporarily switched to a four dot pattern, he'd noticed people getting impatient, or worrying if his mechanics were stalling. (Stalling and slow loading does sometimes happen, but it manifests in freezes and long pauses, not in repeating clicks). He invented a three click pattern, tested a variety of click sounds, settled on something similar to a rotary phone click when a number is dialed. It was a good sound. Heavy and sharp. It sounded like something falling into place with intention. Click! Click! Click!

Xisuma doesn't actually need a sound to think. But it's a clever replacement for harder to code things, like remembering to two a surface or fidget.

Click! Click! Click!

Shifting weight had been a harder thing to code. Standing stationary, legs an equal width apart, was the most steady way to stand. It also made him look like a statue, made his unblinking stares eerie and uncomfortable. Organic things read it as unnatural, borderline on predatory. Large predators often froze and stared right before pouncing.

Looking back through old memories, Xisuma could tell if they were from before or after his algorithmic programming because of how still they were. Made for clearer visuals, and he knows in high-stress situations that focus on accuracy, he can cycle them off, but they're comfortable for people to watch.

Xisuma rocks back on his heels away from the screen he's watching. If someone else were in the room, it would be a sign of thoughtfulness. For him, it's the execution from a random table of acceptable fidgets while standing still. He should turn it off. He's alone right now. But sometimes the movements still catch him off-guard and the longer they run, the more he gets used to them.

Xisuma queries: rocking on heals

He gets a handful of save recording bits. Doc rocks onto his back legs and stretches his forelegs. Gem rocks back and forth on the balls of her feet, her arms crossed behind her back, mischievous and excited. Scar rocks back on his heels and crosses his arms, thoughtfully examining some terraforming. Xisuma isolates the last recording and mimics it, feeling how the weight of his crossed arms counterbalances the lean back.

Xisuma queries his habits table and adds the motion to the list.

He never quite figured out how to program what to do with his hands. They spent a lot of time at his sides, or in pockets. Objectively he knew that was bad. Hiding the hands was often a sign of hiding something, and he liked being transparent.

Xisuma queries: Hands

Xisuma blinks at the long list of results.

Xisuma queries: Hands behind back

He gets several animations of Gem, Grian, and Scar, all with some variation of hands behind their backs and mischievous grins. Most of them are snippets made for studying purposes. Two are attached to longer videos, catalogued memories he's kept. His query returns almost four hundred memory transcripts.

Xisuma likes making transcripts. He feels it's similar to the hazy, distant memories people have when time and distance transform them. When someone else remembers something falteringly, he remembers the way he described it to himself. The older transcripts were rougher. He's gotten better at writing them over the years. His learning and pattern recognition softwares are still pretty good, even if they aren't perfect enough to manage the full range of expression on their own.

Xisuma queries: Do my friends know how hard it is to look organic?

This returns no direct results. He receives a directory of the people he's flagged as "friends" over the years, an article on the recent organics additions to the world in the latest update, and a handful of unrelated memory documents where he'd asked this question before and similarly pulled up no response.

Xisuma queries: Do I care?

This pulls up more entries. Xisuma glances across them and clears them.

Xisuma queries: Do I care today?

This pulls up only slightly fewer entries. He smiles. Asking subjective questions to a computer never gleans intended results. Computers aren't subjective. Or, well, they're not supposed to be. Of course, if he were merely a computer, he wouldn't be doing this, would he? If he were merely a computer, he would be sitting on a shelf, or a desk, running prewritten programs and searches for someone else, letting someone else build his code, rules by the guidances and intentions of someone who ultimately viewed him as a tool, if nothing else.

Xisuma queries: Who's flying this thing, if not me?

He pulls up a list of song lyrics and chords, a clip from a movie he'd watched once, an IMDB rating off some database somewhere.

Xisuma clears the data. He pulls up the last memory he was watching, rocks back on his heels and crosses his arms thoughtfully. He presses play.

Click! Click! Click!

"Are you going to get rid of the clicking?"

"Clicking? Oh, I guess I am clicking, aren't I? It's just an inefficiency. I'll fix it at some point, I guess."

Tango smirked at him. One of his hands plucked at his sleeve. Xisuma clips the motion, tags it with hands, nervous, thoughtful, fidget.

"You sure it needs fixed? I kinda like it."

Click! Click! Click!

#the barking writer #xisuma #hermitcraft fic #robot!xisuma #android!xisuma #woe! my headcanons be upon ye!#ive been reading a lot of scifi lately #like... A LOT of scifi #like almost 200hrs of audiobooks in the past 3 weeks #long post #longpost

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kairiscorner · 8 months

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i saw your miguel requests are open!! Yay!

Could you write a Miguel x f!reader where reader is a stubborn, confident daughter of a crime lord and Miguel is required to be her bodyguard even though she doesn't want anything to do with her father's work?

HI DEARRRRR OFC OFC !! sorry if the climax seemed so sudden, i just wanted to do something related to the third image on the header bc it looked so cute rgh ... anyway, hoping you like this !!

(reblogs are greatly appreciated, it helps get my content out there! if you guys like what you see, please reblog it too <:D)

bodyguard!miguel o'hara x fem!reader

the guy your father hired to protect you was... a real piece of work.

first of all, he was worse than your dad; he refused to let you do anything by yourself or go anywhere all alone, even in the most private of places. he sits close by you, or across you, while eating–he stands outside of the comfort room, standing all menacingly by your stall door and glaring down at anybody who walked by, and he'd decline invitations to anywhere fun and exciting for you in fear that you'd 'get all rebellious' on your father. "do you not know how to have fun? i'm starting to think you were, what, synthesized in a lab, never experienced wanting to have some excitement in your life?" you asked him sarcastically as he drove you home, with you at the front seat–your arms folded over your chest as you narrowed your eyes at your stoic-faced bodyguard.

miguel didn't budge and kept his eyes on the road; expertly driving without flinching or looking away one bit from the road ahead of you two. you raised an eyebrow and sighed, slumping further into your seat. "you're like the terminator, like, i don't even know if you kill people, but you're like him–a mindless robot that can only follow orders." you said with a huff. he finally spoke soon enough as you two hit a red light. "your father's paying me to follow orders, not to do anything else, let alone have idle chit-chat with his daughter." he said pretty bluntly and monotonously, making you groan exaggeratedly. "of course he would never pay for me to have a friend. he did when i was seven years old, though, that went to shit after a while, however." you blabbed as miguel looked at you from the corner of his eye.

"wait, of course, you don't wanna hear it." "no, no, keep talking, ma'am." miguel then blurted out himself. "that is... if you wish to keep talking." he added, distancing himself from you while still getting a little closer than ever before. you were surprised at how miguel was taking the initiative to talk to you, and you figured that since you had nothing better to do, why not tell this man your whole life story, thoughts, problems, and... just everything you've been keeping to yourself all this time. "fuck, i wanna leave home." you confessed to him as miguel slowed the car down, coming to a turn. "...and why's that?" he asked you, making you immediately shrug in response. "well, my dad wants to protect me and all, which, i'm grateful for, but... i don't wanna have a part in everything he does, i don't want... i don't want to do what he does, and i'm scared that, one day... i will end up like him." you confessed, tears streaming down your cheeks without you realizing. this has happened multiple times while you were alone, but never with anyone else–you'd sometimes cry without you realizing and mask it up, switch your emotions like flicking a switch on and off.

miguel, for the first time in a long while, turned his head to look at you and away from the road for a bit. he slowed down his driving and just... looked onto your scared, worried eyes that reflected just how fearful you were of becoming like your father. you were always so daring, rebellious, and confident to boot–you never showed fear unless it was a real, tangible fear you felt like it might come true one day if you weren't careful. he cleared his throat and looked up ahead, back on the road. "it's not my place to say anything regarding this matter, i'm not the most well-equipped person to have anything remotely helpful to say about any of this, but, um... you don't know that." he whispered those last few words in a small, creaking voice, not even sure why he's saying what he's saying; gulping back the already spoken words and shirking back in the driver's seat silently.

you sniffled back the tears you didn't realize you were holding in and looked at him quizzically. "...don't know what?" you asked him with a gentle voice, prompting him to finish his thought. miguel sighed and pulled up to the driveway, cutting through the dark evening with the bright lights illuminating from the luxurious car miguel drove you in and shut off the ignition, shifting in his seat as anxiety and nervousness filled his mind. "you... you don't know if you'll really be like him. you're not your father, you might not even become your father; you're... you. and, i like you for who you are, for all your snarkiness, cheekiness, you giving me a hard time all the time, i... i appreciate you as you are now." he finished, feeling his face get all flustered as he saw the way your eyes shone in the dark, how your tears from earlier glistened as the moon shone above and let light pour down upon your twinkling face. he got out of the car and went over to your door as usual to escort you out, but when he got close to your door, you left the window open and—as he got nearer towards you—you grabbed him gently by his tie, pulled him in close, and pressed your plush lips against his. you didn't know what you just did or why you even did what you did—but something about his words stuck to you and compelled you to... do some things you'd keep to yourself.

"i, um... thank you. you're... not as emotionless as i thought you'd be, i-i suppose..." you murmured silently as you pulled away from him and let his tie slip from your hands as you scooched out of the passenger and driver's seat, exiting out the door miguel left through; watching him stare at you with widened eyes and a bashful, surprised look on his face that made him think and ask himself, 'was that... real?' he merely nodded and kept clearing his throat as he stumbled away from the car, but fumbling the keys in his hands to lock the doors once he realized he forgot to do so. you swore you heard him mutter how 'soft your lips felt, how 'if your dad learned about that... there was no telling what'd happen to him', but most of all—you swore that he seemed softer, kinder, and a lot more vulnerable than before you kissed him.

he seemed so much warmer now, somehow...

this wasn't stopping you totally from overthinking all the time, though, it was good to know that he respected you as a person as opposed to some girl he was going to protect at all costs. but the reason why you kissed him... it sent your face to a furious fluster and made your brain short-circuit even remembering it all, made you weak in the knees and stutter a whole lot while thinking about it, looking forward to the next time you'd see him, for once.

tags !! @miguelswifey04 @hearts4gabri @hisachuu @wreakingmarveloushavok @fictarian @yuridopted0 @simsrandomstuff @luvstarrstruck @popeheywardssecretgf @meeom @arachnoia @melovetitties @fable-library @ophanimgold @smokeywhalee @capnshtfce

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girl-in-the-mirrorbluenight · 6 months

Text

Okay I've been thinking about this pretty much all day since I saw the hbomberguy and then todd in the shadows video i just have so many thoughts. While I wouldn't necessarily call myself a Video Essayist™ (I've only made a few over the years) as a youtuber and someone who has made video essays i definitely have more experience than the average person. There are so many things that stand out to me about this whole debacle i dont even know where to start.

First I want to just give a little insight into the process for making video essays from people who've never given it a shot and just how absurd it is to do the type of plagiarizing James has done. Video essays take a fuckton of research, even for pretty simple topics, but on top that you also have to make them with the medium of video in mind. it's really not enough to just take an essay you would write for a class and read it out loud. the flow is different, you have to have accompanying visuals, often background music, etc. They're a beast to make. My Twisted video for which i used literally two sources for my research (Sondheim's books and the musical Twisted) still took days of thorough reading, note taking, watching the musical, watching the musical again, watching the musical and taking notes, cross-referencing my notes, etc. For videos that synthesize multiple sources or are covering multiple pieces of media, that time goes up exponentially. Then there's writing, recording, gathering clips (often one of the most difficult parts depending on how obscure what you're talking about is), and editing. Even for a silly video like my Glee video, I still had to do a ton of research to make sure I was getting things correct, and that was a funny tier list about freaking Glee! There is just no way you could come up with a thorough analysis by just copying and pasting. Which brings me to my next point.

I think James may have thought (or more likely rationalized) what he was doing as analysis based on like the vaguest definition. When you do any kind of analysis, what you're doing is taking research from multiple different places (news articles, primary sources, existing analysis, etc.) and coming to your own conclusions, whether that's a synthesis of those different sources, or applying it to a specific thing like a movie. Really simple example is my Twisted video where I take Sondheim's writing and apply it to a specific piece of media (in this case Twisted). I'm using existing work but coming to my own conclusion. In the Spies Are Forever video, I took existing research about the Lavender Scare and the Hays Code, including primary sources from the time period, and applied it to the musical Spies are Forever. What James seem to do is take a bunch of existing scholarship, copy and paste it all together and then come to a "conclusion" that was not actually his own original thoughts but either "facts" he completely made up or something that didn't do anything to actually link his other "sources" together. I can see why it has the veneer of analysis, but making up a random "fact" you think might be true is not the same as a drawing a conclusion based on research.

I also think Todd made a really good point in the part about England's propaganda campaign against Italy around 9:30 that it's just really bad video making to not include examples of images from this so called propaganda campaign. I have a ton of examples of news clips, government reports, etc. in my SaF video about the Lavender Scare because...it was a real historic thing that happened! If something was supposedly so widespread and not even that long ago, you can probably find evidence of it somewhere. Kaz Rowe (who is also linked in the queer creators playlist on hbomberguy's vid) talked about this a lot in their video about tiktok misinfo where people often make these outrageous claims but the thing is if something so outrageous happened (like people constantly shitting on the floors of versailles), other people at the time would probably be talking about it somewhere. It's a big red flag when someone makes such bold claims and has no evidence to back it up.

Putting this last section under the cut because I go talk about WWII, Nazis, and HIV/AIDS a bit (watch Todd's video for some more context) so if you don't want to see that post is over here.

Lastly I wanted to talk about something else Kaz brings up in a lot of their videos when talking about historical topics and that is the tendency to dehumanize people of the past, often as unwashed, unintelligent masses who would just do any ridiculous disgusting thing because they were so stupid and disgusting. There are a lot of things to criticize about the people of the past and their actions obviously, but we cannot forgot that they were in fact, people. Real individual people with their own lives and dreams and ambitions and individual opinions and they have never been and never will be a monolith. Claiming anything is broadly true of "the victorians" or "the ancient egyptians" or whatever other vague historical group you want to talk about is usually a lot more nuanced than "they all thought or acted in this one particular way". I'm certainly not a historian and i've only done one history focused video but James Somerton seemed to make a lot of broad historical claims in his videos that I think fall into this trap.

The one that stood out most to me in Todd's video was the claim about Nazi body standards which is a whole mess in general that Todd goes into for a while, but the way he talks about WWII soldiers was just like...weird. Besides the fact that a lot of his claims about Nazis seem to be bordering on glorifying them and their aesthetics (gross), I think we should remember that WWII was less than a century ago. There are still over 100,000 surviving WWII vets in the US. My grandfather who was in the Army during WWII (he didn't serve overseas but he was an enlisted soldier I can literally look up his enlistment records in the national archives online) was a real person who I obviously knew personally and who died fairly recently. To think he enlisted because he was jealous of German fitness or whatever and wanted to prove how tough Americans are is an absolutely hilarious thing to think if you knew him. I'm sure there are as many reasons for enlisting as there were enlisted soldiers. When James talks about even as relatively narrow of a group as "WWII American soldiers," he's still talking about a very large group of real and diverse people and to make such broad claims that "most" or even "a lot" of them were just so taken in by strong german physiques or whatever is frankly insulting. I haven't watched the entirety of James video so maybe he does address this at some point, but from the clips I've seen it seems very generalized and implies some level of racism when WWII soldiers in fact included a lot of racially diverse people. IDK, i think if you're a supposed historical researcher and you're making a video about WWII and you don't know about groups like the Tuskegee Airmen or the Navajo Code Talkers, that's on you. I don't want to discount some of the really horrible shit that American (and obviously other countries) soldier's did in the war and how many of them held disgusting views (even my grandpa who I love dearly was not the most politically correct person to put it lightly) but Jame's claims are not criticizing any real ideology or the consequences of them, they're oversimplifying complex and harmful historical ideas and attributing them to something he pretty much made up. I'll also give you a little hint about something. When people fall into Nazi ideology, it's because they ultimately agree with the ideology, not for some surface level aesthetic reason of "fitness" or whatever. They are antisemitic, they are racist, they are eugenicists, plain and simple. They don't just think the Nazis are cool except for all their beliefs. I also think (and again I could be missing a part of the video here) the hyper focus on the Germans and the Soviets and not mentioning Italy is at the very least an oversight too. Mussolini, like Hitler and Stalin, had a pretty big campaign of promoting an ideal strong race which he tied to ancient Romans. Like this was also a country controlled by a fascist dictator that American soldiers fought in idk it just seems weird to me to leave it out. (okay edit i looked up the transcript and he does talk about Italian fascism a little bit but only about how Mussolini rose to power, nothing about his ideologies or anything really related to the main topic of body image).

And one more thing on that note that bothered me a lot. I think his claims about HIV/AIDS is probably the most well-known here on tumblr and has been pretty thoroughly destroyed by this point, but I do just want to say one more thing about it which is that AIDS isn't gone! I feel like they way he talks about it from what I've seen of this video makes HIV/AIDS sound like a problem of the past now that we have drugs for it, but that is just not the truth. There are still tens of thousands of new infections in the US each year and way more globally and yes, people do still die from it. I just don't like when people talk about AIDS as if it's this problem of the distant past, a separate era that people went through in the 80s rather than an ongoing epidemic that still does not have a cure. Safer sex, clean needle usage, and getting tested are just as important now as they were in the 80s and 90s and don't forget that.

#hbomberguy #todd in the shadows #james somerton #youtube

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greed-the-dorkalicious · 11 months

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All the discussion around AI lately got me thinking about an incident recently in which a guy got his ass sorely beat by the vocal synth community

For those of you not familiar, “vocal synths” in the electronic music sense typically refers to programs like Vocaloid, SynthV, UTAU, Alter/Ego, DeepVocal, etc., digital instruments that allow composers to create, as the name implies, synthesized vocal tracks. The way they work is that they draw from libraries (referred to as “voicebanks” or VB for short) of special studio recorded* vocal samples from singers singing different syllables at a consistent pitch. The program then splices these together and adjusts the pitch to match whatever notes you put in- You want to do All Star, it’s gonna string together “[suh][m] [buh][di] [wuh][n][s] [tO][ld] [mi]” or something like that. Basically it’s an extremely complicated sampler.

(*unless you’re using UTAU or another build-your-own-vocal program in which the “studio” is only metaphorical, and is sometimes somebody’s basement with a Rockband mic plugged into a laptop.)

Now, there is no threat of vocal synths putting actual singers out of a job. Even the best vocal synths always have a bit of a robotic sound to them, and the voicebanks take hundreds of hours of recording time from you know, actual singers. Any piece made with vocal synths has to be worked by a human hand in a process called “tuning” in order to sound any good, whether you’re trying to make it sound human or leaning into the robotic sound. This isn’t something that’s being done on a corporate scale to cut costs- This is something pretty much exclusively being done by small scale indie music hobbyists because we fucking love Hatsune Miku and her weird buddies. Most folks are less interested in doing something that sounds 1:1 like a human voice and more in going beyond what humans can do to make shit like this

youtube

One of the leading vocal synths right now is Synthesizer V (SynthV), created by a company called Dreamtonics. SynthV offers fancier versions of some of its voicebanks, which are called “AI” voicebanks. These use machine learning trained on, again, professionally recorded and legally licensed vocal samples to help make songs sound a little bit more smooth, a little bit more in line with whatever singing style you’re aiming for. Everything else previously mentioned still applies: They’re still painstakingly recorded and programmed, you still need to tweak it yourself to get it to sound just right, and it’s still never going to sound 100% like a human. And that’s fine!

For this next bit y’all are gonna have to trust me because the tweets all got deleted, though if anyone wants I’m happy to pull up screencaps of talking shit about it with other vocal synth folks when it happened lmfao

So basically. Since ChatGPT type grifters have convinced people that “AI” means “magic plagiarism button”, back in April some dipshit NFT guy on Twitter started complaining on an official SynthV update post that SynthV (which he apparently believed to be called “Dreamtonics”, the name of the company that makes it) should allow people to make voicebanks from “their own voice”, insisting that it would be easy and PROFITABLE!™ to do so. He also clearly did not actually mean “their own voice” but rather “the voices of celebrity singers shamelessly lifted without their consent”, which was made extra obvious from a tweet on his own page that was like “Teehee people in monitored Twitter spaces don’t realize their voices are being recorded and fed into AI!” which he then deleted after I linked it on the thread about SynthV. lol.

Dude proceeded to get whupped by actual vocal synth people basically saying shit along the lines of “Yeah we can all tell you just want to commit cheap plagiarism, jackass” and “Dude why are you here when you clearly don’t understand the very very basics of what this software even is” and “Go make an UTAU voicebank if it’s so easy then”. (UTAU being a Japanese freeware program that hasn’t been updated since 2013. Creating an UTAU voicebank is complicated and takes a lot of time and technical knowledge.) He still refused to learn the basics of how vocal synths work, and proceeded to ask if “UTAU or Diff is most compatible with Dreamtonics”, a question absolutely no one could make any sense of? Lol.

Anyway, I don’t have anywhere in particular I’m going with this, I just think AI grifters are morons, and it’s obnoxious how the vague and misleading term “AI” has gotten nigh-mythologized by shady tech companies to the point that people can’t tell the difference between perfectly reasonable assistive technology and magic plagiarism.

Btw, fun fact for anyone who’s wondering, there do in fact exist legally/morally questionable UTAU voicebanks spliced from outside vocals. These are called “jinriki” voicebanks and not only do they take the same amount (if not more) of hard work as any other voicebank, they’re far from the insta-Beyoncé this dude was aiming for, and instead they sound um. like this

youtube

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dontmixpaintinyourcoffee · 1 year

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HER!!! I definitely had the most ideas story-wise for her that changed from the original canon out of anyone else in the cast

Obviously design notes under the cut-

Alright, a lot of this was trying to synthesize her MH and EAH designs together, but leaning towards the EAH side for reasons

Im also grafting MH Cupids personality onto EAH Cupid. I feel like she was wildly underutilized, and her only arc had to do with her crush on Dexter that I personally found irritating. So, I'm dashing that, and giving her back her serious business attitude when it comes to her job

She's very lively and bouncy and friendly, but she also has a disturbing capacity to be terrifying. Really taking after her Dad there.

Speaking of stealing MH traits, I'm giving her badass crossbow and pink eye glow back

Also! Apparently Cupid is a bone elemental, whatever the hell that means in the monster high world. I'm guessing that involves some control over bones, but I'm interpreting it a little differently. I wanted to keep it tied to Greek mythology, so I decided that, technically, her destiny is to be a psychopomp. Her natural magic revolves around the dead and guiding them to their final resting place, but because of her family she uses those natural inclinations to guide people to new relationships

The shawl with the wing shapes is enchanted to keep her wings hidden. They were given to her by Cupid, but they combined with her natural magic a little... Unsettlingly. When she takes it off the wings burst out and unfurl

She doesn't have a crush on Dexter, but they are super close. Dexter considers her his most trusted friend besides Darling. Instead of the gag being that Dexter is into Raven but Cupid is into Dexter, it's that Cupid is trying SO HARD to get them together, but neither one of them thinks that the other would like them because of wild self esteem issues, so no matter what scenario Cupid sets up neither of them do anything romantic. It drives her up the wall.

I like to think that she's aro/ace, but is still a total romantic. She just loves love! Even if romantic love isn't personally her thing

Also when she uses her natural magic her arms slowly turn black, like ink in a pool of water

Those headphones are permanent. Is she listening to something? Recording her podcast on the go somehow? Is nothing playing at all and she just wants to confuse people? Are they sound proof? You don't know!

#eah fanart #ever after high #eah #eah redesign #ever after high art #eah art #c.a. cupid #chariclo arganthone cupid #yes i have thought about this cartoon for children designed to sell dolls from almost a decade ago for far too long why do you ask #coffeepaintart

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simplyclary · 7 months

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What I Love About You: An Incomplete List of Things That I Love About Taylor Zakhar Perez

This is going to be a mix of prose and a list, so a mix of Henry and Alex (if you know, you know). This is also gonna be a forever incomplete list because the more I get to know Taylor, the more I fall in love with him and there's always something about him that surprises me every day.

These are also purely descriptive but somehow, the words, similes and metaphors that I use in this is perfectly apt for the way I feel. So take that however you wish.

With that said, here we go...on to the long list.... (Read at your own time, please.)

His beautiful brown eyes that's the color of chocolate that transforms into whiskey when struck by daylight.

His eyelashes that's as long as Bambi's and it frames his dark eyes like the petals of a flower.

His soft yet lethal smile that never fails to make my heart flutter.

His thick dark hair filled with lush curls and somehow always looks both tousled and coiffed to perfection.

His jawline that seems to be perfectly cut that it could slice an apple. (It's mesmerizing to look at, if I feel like being honest)

His physique that could battle Tom Holland and Chris Hemsworth (I swear, someone put him in a superhero movie and I will surely be watching it!)

His deep voice that is pure music to my ears. (One of the main reasons that I rewatch The Kissing Booth 2 is to hear him sing.)

The captivating way his fingers strum the strings of a guitar (I only saw him do this in TKB 2, but still).

His adventurous and nature-loving spirit (A day with him is probably deadly for an introvert like me because he adores adventurous stuff, but hey, I would honestly do it just to spend time with him).

His passion for fashion sustainability (I love that he talks about this on his social media accounts and informs his followers about the effects of synthesized fabrics to the planet).

His fashion sense and the way he can turn even the plainest piece of clothing into a masterpiece (Like that denim blue jacket in RWRB is still one of my most favorite Alex looks).

The way he walks as if the entire world is his fashion runway (Like I swear, Taylor has a way of walking that makes you think that a sidewalk is the fashion catwalk).

The way he slays various types of jewelry (I was never attracted to men wearing jewelry before but something about the way he combines like a necklace with a couple of bracelets and rings is slaying).

His love and care for his family (He is a family-oriented person and I love that so much).

The tight bond he keeps with his friends and co-stars (Like I love how he keeps in touch with Nicholas, Joey and Maisie even after their projects).

His dedication to character work and understanding his characters (He read the RWRB book 7-8 times to fully understand Alex Claremont-Diaz, like that is DEDICATION!!).

The mere fact that he is a bookworm (Taylor is probably one of those people who can read multiple books at once while still able to remember every storyline of each book, which leaves me awestruck because I cannot do that).

His sense of humor and wit that always makes me laugh (His replies to people on social media and sometimes, his captions are filled with puns, which is hilarious to me and I always enjoy reading them. Also when he uses that filter that makes his eyes pop out, hilarious!).

When he portrayed a douche in "1Up" but I couldn't fully hate that character because of him (Like, how could I possibly hate Taylor? I have no reason to. He could portray the vilest of villains and I would still love that character).

How he manages to stay optimistic and how he always protects his peace (Optimism is what we need in today's world, folks!)

His creativity (Like have you seen his tiktoks and videos on Instagram? They slay!!)

He's a big Potterhead (Taylor's read all the books multiple times, ate the candies and sweets featured in the series. He probably has a collection of Harry Potter items at his house).

The way he just does not have any bad angles in photos (He's photogenic from every angle, to be completely honest).

His kindness and openness to fans (his fan encounters are always such a gem to see and it honestly melts my heart).

The way he doesn't let haters and rumors bother him (This is one of the secrets to success in the industry, I guess!)

He's goal-oriented and knows what he wants (I have a feeling he's selective to what projects he pursues and products he advertises because he really knows what he wants to put out in the world).

He knows his values and what he stands for (He lost followers on IG because of posting about his supply chain trips but he didn't let that stop him from continuing to post about them).

His compassionate and loving heart (I won't say more).

His determination to use his platform for good things (He's that kind of influencer and I really love that).

His love for his characters, regardless of how similar or different they are to his own personality.

How fans have no bad things to say about him (Really, ask any TZP fan and they will say no bad things about him).

So...it's kind of ironic how I ended at 31, considering that is Taylor's age but hey, we're not gonna talk about how old he looks because to be honest, he always manages to look younger than he is (I honestly thought he was 27 to 28 in RWRB).

This is the incomplete list of things I love about Taylor Zakhar Perez. Other than what is stated here, I will continue to love him for plenty more reasons, some I cannot even put into words because sometimes, he just renders me speechless.

Feel free to let me know what would you add to my list of things that I love about TZP or if you have your own list of things that you love about him because let's be honest, what's not to love about the one and only Taylor Zakhar Perez?

All my love and Buenas Noches!

#taylor zakhar perez #rwrb #rwrb movie #nicholas galitzine #alex claremont diaz #prince henry rwrb #what i love about you #firstprince #the kissing booth #marco peña #red white and royal blue

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fantasy-mixtapes · 2 months

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Riz Gukgak Junior Year Playlist: side A

Heres the first side of the Junior Year Riz Playlist and the explanations down below, Spoilers for Episodes 1-10 in FHJY

Genres: Alternative, Anti Folk, Math Rock, Punk

1. Photosynthesis, They Might Be Giants

Photosynthesis does not involve a camera Or a synthesizer Although that's interesting, too Photosynthesis is how plants take in light From the sun and turn it into energy It's actually a thing on which most life depends Here on the planet Earth

GOD so when I'm not making these playlists I'm and environmental educator and when Brian was like "we're the photosythe-KIDS!" i nearly lost it. Gotta let this little nerdy kid have at least one nerd song as a treat to me

2. Dissonance, AJJ

My feet planted in different realities I've been doing lots of parallel planning and asking Does morals exist anymore? Wondering if society's all broken down yet I should probably know I should probably know I should probably grow some more plants in the window I should probably try I should probably try I should probably try to find a cure for this dissonance

One of the things I relate to Riz about the most is the way in which he is so hungry for explanation and, specifically problem solving. When they get dropped right back into normal teen life after having just saved the world and "cracked the case", Riz had to really switch into school mode fast (with the whole paying for college thing)

3. Stress, Jim's Big Ego

I'm addicted to stress That's the way that I get things done If I'm not under pressure then I sleep too long And I hang around like a bum I think I'm going nowhere, and that makes me nervous Everybody's out to get me, but I feel all right

Obsessed with the way that, if Brennan didn't let Riz take on the stress of other people in the party, he would literally be so normal about the downtime system. God help him and his nervous system.

4. Travelers Insurance, Their/They're/There

After all that we've done, You still skipped out on the beat of a different drum. Blurring the lines between failure and fortune

it's getting at Riz supporting so many people in his party, taking on their stress, organizing their extracurriculars, and literally tutoring them on subjects he doesn't know about. And they're definitely trying to keep everything under control, but sometimes it feels like when they mess up or make bad choices, it's Riz who has to take the L

5. Pitch Black, Heart Attack Man

Rock bottom smile bares its rotting teeth again Acts like there's nothing wrong and they're still my closest friend Romanticize the fondest memories and good times And hope that I forget the rest Rock bottom's grinning as it's creeping up again Dust off the depths and make me wish that I was dead again Hold out your hand to me Take me to a place in hell where Having self-esteem seems selfish and unhealthy

God the way that in Ep. 10 after Riz had that talk with his mom about everything he was just so despondent the rest of the episode about everything that was happening, and actually thinking about the toll his friendships were taking on him 💀

6. An Antidote for Strychnine, The Mountain Goats

Dig down amongst my calculations Check my maps Up there on the surface Everybody's gettin' ready for the bloodbath Stem the tide, stem the tide They're calling down for reinforcements Tryin' to find An antidote for strychnine Tryin' to find An antidote for strychnine

This has always and forever been such a Riz song for me and I feel like it really fits the tone of Riz looking into the soil, into lucy's death, into eventually the loam farm, reluctantly telling his mom about it. The moment when he thinks that something like what happened to Yolanda could happen to his mother and he gets really serious about it. AHHHHHH Something something isolation, something something taking on dangerous tasks by yourself just to protect the ones you love

#dimension 20 #fantasy high #fantasy high junior year #d20 #d20 fhsy #fantasy mixtapes #riz the ball gukgak #riz gukgak #brian murphy #fhjy spoilers #d20 spoilers #fantasy high spoilers #Spotify

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veryace-ficrecs · 2 months

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Tim Drake & Jason Todd Fic Recs

This list will include all ratings and tags, so read at your own discretion! :)

Optimally Sentimental by sprx77 - Rated T

Jason feels the tension fall completely out of his shoulders. Babyest bird is not feeling unsafe, right now; Tim doesn’t get this bitchy around people unless he trusts them. Random civilians and corporate fuckwits, they get soft-spoken, laughing Timothy Drake. Anyone Tim’s not quite comfortable with-- people he has to impress, like the Justice League-- get the world’s most perfect and efficient Robin. Seriously, it’s terrifying. He wears his competency like a sword and doesn’t bother with a shield. So, a snarky Tim-- a Tim who lashes out, without regard for if he’ll be hit back-- is a trusting Tim. A comfortable Tim.

Voicemails About Vital Organs by AshWinterGray - Rated T

Tim's missing spleen comes back to haunt him, and Jason is the only Bat and Family Member available to deal with the problem. There are some realizations, and Tam is just so do with these idiots.

Marlboro Reds and Birthday Wishes by crowclxb - Rated T

Tim can't ever remember the quotes he thinks describe his feelings. Also, everyone forgot his birthday. Not Jason, though. Tim just doesn't know that.

Swaddled in Warmth During Cold Times by melennui (orphan_account) - Rated G

Tim is chilly in the manor, but it's summer and it shouldn't be cold. To remedy this, he makes a hammock and gains a nice moment with his brother too.

i cry with anger / i have done no crime by CosmoKid - Rated M

They replaced him. Talia had told him that, taunted him with the grainy photos of a scrawny little kid in the Robin costume. A tiny little runt of a kid, dwarfed by the looming presence beside him. Fuck, did Bruce just hang around a pre-k and grab the first unfortunate kid whose parents were running late for pick up. Except no, Bruce replaced him with the rich little brat next door. The better, upgraded version of him; the newer, the shinier, the better version. The kid Bruce wanted Jason to be. The Robin Bruce really wanted. Timothy Jackson Drake.

take a chance on me by destiny919 - Rated T

"Hey, Stalker," Jason says without lowering his binoculars. Tim creeps out from behind the air conditioning unit and lets out a put-upon sigh that doesn't really fit a ten-year-old.

bright smile (and they can't see behind it) by AstraEllis - Rated T

Now that Jason's come home and actually spending time with his family, Tim figures his job is done. He kept Batman from self destructing, he was a halfway decent Robin, and Jason's home now. They're whole again, and they don't need Tim. Jason has some things to say about this assumption.

personal space by lawltam - Rated G

Tim gets hit with Ivy's pollen. He doesn't even check who he sent his outgoing help message to until he stumbles downstairs and spots Jason.

Adopt A Rescue! by sardonic_sprite - Rated G

I'm Bean. I'm very shy, but sweet, and I loove snuggles! I get very scared without my big brother, so we need to get a home together! I'm Hunter. I don't trust very easy, but I'm very smart. We may not be litter-mates, but Bean is my brother and we stick together no matter what! "Bean" had squirmed back out from underneath "Hunter" and was pawing at the glass again, looking right at Bruce. But he wasn't just pawing at the glass, he seemed to be making a pattern... "Oh, my God."

Breaking and Entering by Terranpheum - Rated T

Tim isn’t having a good day when he decides to use one of Red Hood’s safe houses as a rest stop. Only, the safe house seems a lot more comfortable than normal and isn’t as empty as he was hoping it was.

and i'm so sick of seventeen by Anonymous - Rated T

“You know this is bizarre, right?” “Jason, I’m just asking for a tiny favor—” “Tim, last week I watched you synthesize, in real time, a whole new organic compound for one of Crane’s toxins, on the fly, with half your guts hanging outside your body. How are you failing eleventh grade chemistry?” (Or; Tim gets Jason to help him with his chemistry homework. They bond.)

carry you home in my teeth by windupclock - Rated G

Jason takes his helmet off before he goes to deal with his replacement. He’s not expecting a hug. He gets one.

Only One Thing by Lulu_Rythmea - Rated T

"You're a great hugger, kiddo. 10/10 would hug again." "... you will? Really?" "Yeah, baby bird. Whenever you want." How far was that promise meant to go? OR: The fan-made sequel to destiny919's "Last Request".

hit me like a shooting star (so i can make a wish) by Ms_Trickster - Rated G

“He broke my camera!” Tim wails, incensed. “Not a crack, not a dent; it’s nothing but a pile of glass because he broke it!” “And his ankle,” Robin adds. “And my ankle!” “...I accidentally hit him with my car,” Batman reluctantly offers when Dr. Thompkins raises her eyebrow at him, causing her to choke on her next breath. (Or: One evening while birdwatching, a ten year old Tim Drake gets run over by the Batmobile.)

Whiplash by Lunette3002 - Rated T

When Barbara called to tell Tim that one of his safehouses had been broken into, he wasn't expecting to find an unconscious Red Hood. OR Words like "whiplash" can have two meanings :)

Bridges Not Yet Burned by Kgraces - Rated T

Somehow, they keep coming back to this: Tim, Jason, and a Batarang

Little Overlooked Dreams by Lunette3002 - Rated G

Tim weighed his options. He was alone at night in some alleyway in Gotham. He had nothing except the clothes left on the ground by someone and the cloak wrapped around his skinny shoulders. His camera was nowhere in sight. His backpack was gone too. He brought the device to his ear. “Hello?” Whatever talking had been on the other end of the line immediately cut off at his hesitant greeting. “Who is this?”

#veryace recs #batman fic recs #tim drake #jason todd #red robin #red hood #ao3 fic recs #fanfic recs #ao3

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okay-j-hannah · 1 year

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Episode 5: The Unknown Subject

Doctor Who : Multishot

Eleventh Doctor x Reader

Word Count: 3413

Warnings: some gunshots. some blood. some violence. some virus warfare. some of the oncoming storm. River taking matters into her own hands... inspiration and some lines came from Criminal Minds Season 4 Episode 24 “Amplification.”

Request: This just came from my own head 😊

A/N: A skilled team of FBI tactical profilers analyze the country’s most prevalent oncoming disasters, anticipating the criminal mind’s next moves before they can inflict doomsday.

Episode 4: The New Heir

Episode 5: The Unknown Subject {You Are Here}

Episode 6: Dr. Smith

The DAU was overrun with representatives of all international governments. The army was instructing team members under the FBI and CIA to form search parties abroad in each country. Agents were conversing with contacts across seas as they tried to get everyone on the same page about the suspect.

SSA Smith was in the conference room having a heated discussion with other leaders and officials. They could all see him fuming behind the glass walls.

Jack was leaning into Donna, muttering some theories about where they were going to be stationed next. “I heard the professor was last seen in France.”

“She crossed the border after the stunt in London,” Donna agreed, readjusting her blazer as new agents caught her eye. “I think John’s talking to the Prime Minister and the president of France.”

Rory was sitting at his desk, glasses pushed up his nose, “He’s been tense.”

(Y/N) agreed, folding her arms and standing next to the rest of her team. The Doctor had been avoiding her as of late. He had become this hardened, cold-shouldered character since the last reality.

It was hard to associate him with her Doctor. He was so dark and strict and to-the-point. But she could see the split second of recognition in his green eyes when he looked at her.

He still looked at her with fondness.

“You think the professor will cook up some new disease?” Donna asked rather morbidly, “After we traced the last one?”

“Well, with the CDC already synthesizing a cure after the last attack,” Rory said, “I wouldn’t be surprised if she tried to create a 2.0 version to throw us through a loop.”

Jack nodded towards the conference room, “Look. He’s calling us in. Time for another debriefing.”

The team walked determinedly through the crowds of agents and military personnel, climbing the ramp to get to their seats.

The Doctor had his arms folded, already introducing their guest before they all sat down.

“Hello everyone, this is Dr. Martha Jones, chief of special pathogens with the CDC.”

(Y/N) nodded to the woman she recognized as a past companion of the Doctor. But the Martha here didn’t know her – she just looked worried with a light sheen of sweat on her forehead.

“Hello, I’m sorry to meet under these circumstances,” Martha said. “The target, Professor River Song, has been developing an unknowable strain of virus capable to compete with our most deadly naturally occurring viruses.”

“She’s already tried that,” Jack said, “We’re creating a cure, aren’t we?”

The Doctor frowned, “She’s struck again with an entirely new strain – in Lyon, France.”

“Oh my god,” Donna whispered.

“Last night, 47 people checked into hospitals with similar symptoms,” Martha began, “And by this morning 22 of those people have died.”

Jack took a seat, “Damn.” He set his jaw, “Were you able to detect the virus?”

“Yes,” Martha said, “Disease control centers across the world have taken samples and are working around the clock to create a new cure.”

“In the meantime,” the Doctor said, “We have to apprehend the professor before she strikes again. We have reason to believe she’s entered the United States. She may have been spotted at the Hartsfield-Jackson Atlanta International Airport in Georgia.”

Rory piped up, “But she didn’t attack the airport?”

“No,” said Martha.

“Then what are we doing about other potential mass targets?” Rory continued, “Malls, trains, subways?”

The Doctor sighed, “There’s a media blackout. We can’t tell the public.”

“There’d be a mass exodus,” Jack nodded in agreement, “The panic would end up killing more people.”

“We’re heading to Georgia,” the Doctor said, “Wheels up in five. Thank you Dr. Jones.”

Martha nodded to him, “I’ll be your direct contact for the cure. I’ll let you know of any developments.”

The team all stood and made for the elevators to pack for their coming trip. Martha followed to converse with the military scientists outside. (Y/N) remained behind with the Doctor, anxiously waiting for him to look at her.

“Doctor,” she said cautiously, “Are you okay?”

It looked like he was hardly breathing, “Perfectly fine.”

“You don’t sound like yourself,” she continued, “I can tell you’re upset.”

“Why would I be upset?” he said lowly, “I only learned that a close friend of mine wants to kill you.”

He went to exit the conference room, but (Y/N) stepped in front of the door.

“I wasn’t going to die.”

“Yes,” he said darkly, his voice deep and angered, “You would’ve.”

“But not in reality. Not in our true reality,” she pressed, “This is a dream, Doctor – you know that.”

“How can you be so sure dying in here doesn’t mean you’ll die in real life?” he asked, brow furrowed.

Gone was his dancing fingers and giddy steps. Gone was his childlike smile and eccentric movements. He was tall and cold and angry.

“I trust River,” she said quietly, “Her logic is sound.”

“But unproven,” he said, “We don’t know what’s keeping us here. It could be dangerous to wake up. There has to be another way.”

There was the strange tingle of anticipation growing. The dream was about to zap them to the next scene. They had been off script for too long.

“This isn’t up for debate, (Y/N),” he said.

She hated the way he looked at her like he couldn’t fully see her. He was clouded by the storm that had developed and resided within him. The Oncoming Storm.

Something sparked in her stomach. The reason he became like this was because she almost died. Because he cared about her so much he was willing to do anything to keep her safe.

~~~

(Y/N) was suddenly sitting in a booth in a local Georgia café. Across from her was Jack, sipping a massive chocolate milkshake.

It seemed like a more Jack thing to do rather than this FBI agent character. It almost made her smile.

“You sure you don’t want some?” he asked, biting off the candied cherry.

She slumped into the booth, “I’m okay, thanks.” She looked around to see if any of the other team members were there. “I wouldn’t want to spill on my suit.”

Jack looked amused, “And you think I will? Am I a messy eater?”

“The worst,” she snickered. But her mind was still clouded with the interaction with the Doctor. He had looked so angry.

“You’re thinking about him, aren’t you?” Jack said, swirling his straw around. “Don’t be coy, I know that look.”

She gave a nervous smile, “John?” The scripted lines came out of her easily while her mind dwelled on the dilemma at hand. “We had an argument.”

“Obviously,” Jack said with rolling eyes, “We all saw you in the conference room. He’s just worried about you is all.”

“I know, and it’s infuriating.”

Jack sighed, “You had a close call last case – you almost died.” He contemplated his next sentence for a second, “I think Smith realized that it was possible to lose you.”

“That was always a possibility.”

“But he got a taste of it,” Jack leaned in, putting emphasis on his words, “He had a taste of those feelings – of that loss – and it terrified him.”

(Y/N) could feel her heart snap into motion. It might’ve been a script, but what Jack was saying made total sense to the Doctor as well.

There had been a pattern to all of these dreams. And she was starting to see it.

“You’re making it sound like…”

Jack clicked his tongue, “Like he’s in love with you?” He grinned, “That’s because he is.”

Every dream had a theme of getting the Doctor and (Y/N) together. In the New York apartment there was the tender moment they shared in the coffeehouse. In the fantasy realm he rescued her from an arranged marriage – had said I love you to each other. In the old English estate they were prompted to be friendly with one another in hopes of an eventual marriage.

There had never been a spoken word between them about being anything more than friends, than companions. Sure there had been initial attraction but it was quickly set aside when it was evident the Doctor wasn’t interested.

Or was he.

Perhaps (Y/N) had been blinded by her own efforts to avoid greater feelings. It made traveling with him easier. If she had developed true love with him then the entire companionship would be at risk of falling apart.

But as Jack started rambling on about the evidence he had gathered on why John was in love with her, she continued to connect dots.

These dreams were tailored to the Doctor.

When he wanted to catch River Song for what she did, the dream state changed into a reality where that was plausible. It was set in a crime drama where they caught bad guys.

Somehow the Doctor was in charge. He might not even realize it.

“I’ve completely stumped you, haven’t I?” Jack asked, setting his milkshake aside, “Hard to believe Smith is capable of love, huh.”

“Not entirely.”

Jack looked up quick, “Really?”

(Y/N) shrugged, eyes glazed as she tried to pull herself out of her deep thought. “I don’t know.”

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen the guy crack a smile, let alone express an ounce of affection.”

She became reminiscent of the Doctor that was the opposite. The one that was all smiles and all doting affection. Was her safety really the reason for him acting so different?

“But I do know that I’ve never seen him more relaxed than when he’s with you,” Jack said with a growing smirk. “You bring out the best in him.”

“And the worst,” she said quietly, “Evidently.”

Jack threw a few dollars on the table, “It’s gotta be nice to be loved that much though.”

She wrung her hands, “We have to go meet Smith and Pond.”

“I’m telling you…” Jack said, leading the way outside and brandishing a pair of sunglasses, “You gotta say something to him. The poor guy is hopeless when it comes to first moves. Trust me, I’ve worked with the guy for years.”

(Y/N) walked alongside him, making sure her firearm and badge were secured at her belt. “I don’t think he’s in the mood for any love confessions.”

“He’s never in the mood,” Jack said with a laugh. He slung his arm around her shoulders, always the light heart. “But if you’re so concerned with why he’s upset, maybe you need to talk about it.”

“I tried this morning,” she grumbled, his bouncing steps infectious.

Jack squeezed her shoulder, “Then you try again. He might not be an easy man. But he’s a good man.”

She wholeheartedly agreed with that statement. The Doctor was a complicated, eccentric genius who made things more difficult than they had to be. But he was also the loveliest, most generous man who gave the best hugs.

And they deserved to get out of there. And (Y/N) had to get through to him somehow – even with him being stuck in this arrogant, gruff character.

She spotted the Doctor and Amy through the windows of the local police station. They seemed to be discussing something as they looked over a city map. Jack led them across the street and towards the entrance.

He gave her a playful wink as they walked into their work room.

“(Y/N),” said Amy, always looking her best in her professional attire. She was usually underestimated by the agents, but always made the looks on their faces all the more amusing when she proved them wrong.

“Have you found anything?” she asked, avoiding a glance in the Doctor’s direction.

Amy shook her head, “We’re waiting on some intel in central Atlanta. Our profile has led us to believe that the professor will plan an attack at the Atlanta History Center.”

The Doctor muttered, “It’s a historical museum. A place she might enjoy.” He flashed his eyes toward (Y/N) and they both dwelled on their archeologist of a friend. River would love old museums.

“What intel are we waiting for?” Jack asked, eyeing their position on the city map.

Amy scrolled through her phone, “They’re verifying that the professor was spotted in the vicinity. Noble and Williams are giving out the profile and monitoring the surveillance.”

“Let’s not start a panic at the museum unless we have to,” the Doctor said, rubbing hard at his face.

“Understood,” Jack said.

But (Y/N) had fixated on the scruff of the Doctor’s jaw. It was so strange to see him like that. He looked older. He looked more tired. He looked… like an adult.

She wanted his little toyshop salesman self to come out and make some childish remark about the taste of custard cream or the boredom of taxes.

“Can I have a moment alone with (Y/N).” The Doctor was still looking away as his colleagues shared looks.

Jack and Amy cleared their throats, sidling out of the room with quick steps.

(Y/N) wrung her hands again, feeling the uneasiness of an unscripted moment.

“Doctor…”

“You’re going to stay here when we go apprehend River Song.”

“Excuse me?” the words became lodged in her throat, “You can’t do that.”

He gave her a heated stare, “I’m not risking you getting hurt.”

“Doctor, how many times do I need to tell you not to worry. This isn’t real. I won’t really get hurt.”

“Did that Spanish flu hurt?” he asked, emotion flaring in his eyes, “Did laying in your sickbed hurt you?”

It did. But she knew there wasn’t any permanent damage. It was just a dream.

“I’ll wake up,” she said quietly, “It would force me awake.”

He gritted his teeth, “And what if it doesn’t?”

“God, I’d risk it, Doctor! We can’t stay stuck in here for the rest of our lives.”

He looked conflicted, “But it hasn’t been so bad, has it? The roles we’ve played.”

“That’s all it is, Doctor. It’s all play. It’s not real. I want to get back to our real lives.”

“You’re real,” he deadpanned, uncharacteristically still as he stood his ground. “You’re enough for me.”

She blanked. Her mind sifted out of her ears as she scrambled to form words. “Doctor… there are more realistic ways to have a life with me. You don’t have to dream one up.”

His shoulders stiffened, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“I have a feeling you might.” She took a step forward, “You can’t create some fictional life with me where we play these characters that live normal married human lives.”

“We’ve never been married,” he said quickly.

“I had a feeling the next one might have us be,” she said just as fast. “It shifts to your wants, Doctor. But what you want here… right now – it’s not what I want. I can’t play a character and pretend that I’m happy with all this.”

His fingers started to fidget like they use to on their adventures, “You’re not happy.”

She lightly shook her head. “I want to go home.”

“You’re not happy here with me.” He said it more to himself then to her.

But she quickly cut in, “I’m happy with you on the tardis. I’m happy with you back in our own lives.” Her hands rose to clutch at her chest, “Please, Doctor – this isn’t right. We have to wake up.”

“There has to be another way than dying!” he said, furious again.

There was a whoosh of air and the pair of them were standing outside of a historical building, groups of people running around in a panic.

Their talk of the real world had them flying to the next scene.

They were clad in bullet proof vests, guns poised in their hands. Wires crept up their backs and into their ears. They could hear the rest of their team asking for orders and the whereabouts of Professor River Song.

“No,” the Doctor growled, addressing (Y/N). “You are staying here while I find River.”

“Like hell I am,” she cried back, taking off for the museum.

“(Y/N)!” the Doctor yelled, “It isn’t safe.”

The screams of the bystanders became muted as she searched for their friend. Seeing her here would mean River was sucked into the dream world too. She could no longer manipulate the rules of the dream.

Her feet pounding into the cement, she frantically searched the faces of the crowd. The Doctor was getting lost behind her, being swarmed by the public.

She cried out, “River! River I’m here!” She kept her finger off the trigger, but her gun was still brandished. “River Song!”

Then in the distance she heard a voice cry back, “(Y/N)?”

She flew around, there at the edge of the building was a pile of crazed, curly hair. She had her own gun at her hip.

“How did you get here?” (Y/N) asked, “Did you get pulled in?”

“Unfortunately,” River said, meeting her friend with a hug. “But I can still try to pull us out.”

(Y/N) eyed her gun, “You trying to get back in prison for murdering someone?”

River shrugged, “This is just a nightmare. None of it is real.”

“Feels real,” (Y/N) whispered, staring at the gun, “I suppose that’s what scares you awake.”

The gun was raised and aimed for (Y/N), “That’s the theory.”

“The Doctor’s not so sure.”

“He gets skeptical when it comes to the safety of those he loves.”

“People keep telling me that,” (Y/N) said, holstering her gun.

River took a deep breath, taking aim, “That he worries for your safety?”

“No,” (Y/N) said, “That he loves me.”

“Maybe you should take the hint,” the professor laughed, “This should only sting a little.” Her eyes flickered to behind (Y/N), “Incoming.”

“Hands in the air!” came the voice of Amy, “I said hands up!”

Jack was right behind her, “(Y/N), where is your gun?”

“It’s alright,” she responded over her shoulder, “I’ll see you guys when we wake up.” She gave a nod towards River Song.

She nodded back, firing three gunshots.

Red hot pain ran through (Y/N)’s lower abdomen. Two shots barely clipped the vest, but the third lodged itself near her hipbone, but definitely into her major organs. It was true, the shock and adrenaline that coursed her system made the bullets only slightly hurt.

She was falling to her knees when more shots were fired. In the distance she could see River Song fall to the ground.

The pain was sharp but was growing into something dull and achingly present. A hand pressed to her stomach came back coated in bright blood. The life was beginning to slip between her fingers.

“(Y/N)!” came a cry from above. Rough hands grasped at her body, pulling her in a way that made her wounds flare up.

She cried out, “Stop!” Her fingers were weak where she grabbed at the arms around her. It was hard to see – her vision was blurry. Her ears were full of a buzz.

But it was the Doctor that cradled her now, “What did you do?” he whispered. “What did you do?”

There was a crack in his voice and her heart began to hurt just as much as the rest of her body.

~~~

There was an insistent beeping somewhere next to her. The air smelled sterile and stuffy with disinfectant.

Her fingers picked at the cotton sheets around her. There was something taped to the back of her hand.

Opening her eyes, she spotted the IV drip. After adjusting she noticed the white walls and old machines measuring her heartrate.

She quickly lifted the blankets to look at her abdomen. After a quick inspection she realized that there weren’t any bandages. There was no evidence at all that she was shot just minutes before. Her skin was clear.

“Dammit,” she whispered, her head falling back into the pillows. They had jumped to another reality.

A crash against her windows had her looking for the source.

There, clad in scrubs and white lab coats, was Amy and Rory. The pair of them kissing like they were hungry for their last meal. Pressed against the window they were unabashed as they consumed each other.

(Y/N) rolled her eyes. Great… they were stuck in a medical drama now.

And something else had become evident. The Doctor might have more control over the dream than she realized.

It was apparent that if the Doctor didn’t want to wake up, then (Y/N) wasn’t going to wake up either.

~~~

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blessedarethebinarybreakers · 5 months

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Thank you for your many insightful posts on the current conflict going on. The one giving a detailed breakdown on the "who was there first?" argument was particularly helpful given that, as someone very familiar with the "Land Back" movement in America, I struggled from trying to approach the Palestine issue from that same perspective.

I did have something else I've been struggling with that maybe you can help me out on, though: I've seen "Zionist"/"Zionism" used a lot to help separate those who endorse the concept of a modern state of Israel from Judaism as a whole, since a very large portion of the Jewish community doesn't support what Israel is doing. For me personally, however, I've frequently seen that word used as a dog-whistle for antisemitism in general (most infamously in relation to The Protocols of the Elders of Zion), so I've been kind of wary about using Zion/Zionist in regular discussion. Did I just have a misinformed first impression towards using that term, or is it indeed something we still have to be careful about using even in regards to current events?

Hello! I hope you don't mind me publishing my response, in case anyone has further information to share on the topic of zionism. I am by no means an expert on this — I'm kind of synthesizing various posts & articles I've read over the years to write my answer, and I may be missing some important elements. I welcome correction or added info from anyone with more knowledge than I.

I'm with you in feeling there's a need for care when encountering talk of "zionists," because this term is indeed bandied about inappropriately. Just here on tumblr, I've seen various Jewish folks speak out about how freely people label any Jew with an opinion they don't like a "zionist" in order to dismiss any concerns that Jewish person tries to raise.

So when "zionist" is used to mean "any Jew I disagree with," or "all Jews," or anything not specifically related to "movement in favor of a sovereign Jewish state (e.g. modern Israel)," it's being used incorrectly and harmfully.

...And ugh, it's bad enough when randos on tumblr are doing it; it's been disturbing to see political leaders and activists and the like doing it on a wider scale these past few months.

We all need to be able to talk about the very real issue of zionism without contributing to antisemitism. How do we do that? Here are some rules of thumb I follow (and again, I welcome more if anyone has other tips):

I educate myself on what Zionism actually is. This article on the Jewish Voice for Peace site is super helpful as a starting point. It discusses where this ideology originated, how zionism takes various forms, and how Zionism is harmful for Jews (for instance, it's harmful because it rejects the diaspora as "inherently toxic and unhealthy for Jews," which means rejecting elements of Jewish culture that have arisen from diaspora).

I resist wondering if a Jewish person is zionist / pro-Israel without any reason to think they might be. (I've seen a couple posts from Jewish people now saying that gentiles do this to them. It's super inappropriate and antisemitic to do this — after all, we don't demand that of every non-Jewish person, so we shouldn't be demanding it of every Jewish person.)

If I see a claim that X person is a zionist, I don't just take that claim at face value; I investigate. See if that person has self-identified as a zionist anywhere, etc. If I can find no evidence, I don't spread that claim around; and I might reach out to whomever posted it to ask what gives.

I focus my time, energy, and concern on zionists / people who are pro-Israel in my own communities — rather than running around declaiming every Jewish zionist I can. As a Christian, I focus on trying to cultivate conversations with fellow Christians whom I know hold zionist or philosemitic views; those are the people I'm more likely to be able to change, after all. For any other Christians interested in what Christian zionism tends to look like and how to combat it, I highly recommend this post.

(Another helpful post tangentially related to this topic is this one about "the three Israels")

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unknown-drug · 7 months

Text

A GUIDE TO SURVIVE

All the things I wish someone would I told me before descending in this Hellhole.

🦋 ️ If you were thinking about diving into the EDs World for the first time, go back and think again (this is not worth it, I swear to every God in this universe. Just run as far as you can from it) But if sadly you are, you have to be completely educated.. Do some research about everything it consists of. Literally get as much information as you can (pros and cons, nutrition, exercises, side effects, long/short terms, overuses of anything, etc). There is so much more than diet and food involved, so just don’t be stupid about it.

🦋 ️EDs DON’T HAVE NUMBERS. Someone who is 200+ pounds is as valid as someone who is 100 and under. Stop bullying people because they are heavier or lighter than you are. Society fucks us enough so no need to add more hate. We are all in the same shit anyways… No one has the same body as you. Your number compared to others might not look the same. So yes, your thinspo is all cute but you have to consider all the criterias. Genetics, overall stats, gender.. Weight is just a number among many other things.

🦋 Weighing yourself every single day is NOT the most effective or accurate way to see/track results. The scale can shift up to 5 lbs a day (minus or plus, I know this is insane). Some specialists recommend doing it 1-3 times a week, always on the same day, so that you can see a more accurate graph of the fluctuation. (Keep in mind that you have to account for any hormonal changes/cycles when it comes to your result, I suggest comparing each week of your cycle with one another.)

🦋 You should consider using other methods to track your progress other than weighing yourself like a tape measurement can be really effective for body dysmorphia and if you have access to a gym ask them to check your body fat percentage. You would be surprised to see just how much it can help. Because at some point, the balance between muscle and fat is so small that physical change won’t be as noticeable. But seeing actual results from other means can really boost your mental state.

🦋 Those who will notice “the problem" won't be the ones you want. And those who are really there for you are not always the one you thought would be.. But do not throw away the help if you need it.

🦋 Do not beat yourself too hard if you slip up. It might get you to binge 10x harder, too. Nobody is perfect. We all binge once in a while. The weight did not appear out of thin air. It is a work in progress..

🦋🦋🦋

I know there is this big debate about the famous “body reset” metabolism day. Some say it helps others would disagree. It's the same thing when I come to fasts and detox/cleanse. At this point, you can follow whoever you wish. All of these help to some degree but aren't necessarily what your body needs. You need to have a good understanding of your system before committing to anything. To each their own.. All studies point to a “sort of reset” but there is not a universal way of doing it. So yes, here are your most common options, but this would depend on too many specifics to have a straight answer. There is no on/off switch when it comes to your body, yes it can feel like it “slowed down” but it is just because your body takes more time to use whatever it has to formulate energy. It takes your organism unequal time to synthesize different food - fat compared to carbs or even muscular tissues. This is why it is not just about the starvation aspect of your ED. It is also important to look at what you're feeding yourself with. Not all diets work the same and provide the same amount of energy. Choose your own path, but just be aware of all the knowledge you can put your hands on.

🦋🦋🦋

✨️✨️✨️ There is no magical pill, no tea bullshit and no fucking food miracle to lose weight. Yes there are some meds that can help (laxative, diuretic and appetite suppressant) but it is mostly out of side effect. Ultimately, your body will get used to them so they will feel like they aren't working anymore and you will feel the need to take more. Do not take more than the recommended amount. Be extremely careful if you are using them and please if you see anything out of the ordinary talk to professionals. Medications without the proper follow up can be horribly harmful in the long run. ✨️✨️✨️

🦋 TAKE YOUR FUCKING VITAMINS. I can't stress that enough but you need them just to make sure your body won’t rupture. It can prevent so many side effects to EDs and even trips to the hospital. Look for multivitamin, biotine, B-complex, folic acid (ladies), iron, potassium and magnesium… See to have some blood work done every year just to see where/or if you are lacking anything crucial.

🦋 DRINK YOUR GODDAMN WATER , BITCH. Your body will give up faster if you don't drink enough water compared to food. If you are fasting or anything, this shit is MANDATORY. And no, coffee, coke zero and teas should not count in your water intakes (sorry). It is so important for weight loss, plateaus and in general. The general rule is about 2L a day but you will need more depending on your lifestyle. There is many any calculators online or you can just go with the basic **1500mL - 20(weight in kg-20)= x**. It is the average amount in mL you should aim for.

🦋 Doing the same exercises over and over again will not help you lose weight. In fact, it is quite the contrary. You will have to switch it up, do cardio (even if it sucks), and try weight lifting (nooo it is not gonna make you look bulky.. Lean muscle burns more calories even though it weighs more.), find a sport that you like, yoga and pilates count, and even dancing is a good way to lose weight. You don’t have to spend endless hours in the gym (if you want to, go for it), 4 exercises is a good workout, and 30 mins a day every day is the bare minimum. Walking is quite underestimated but is actually pretty effective. Have fun with it cause it will be easier to stick to it and not dread it.

🦋 Sleep is MANDATORY. Don't think that staying awake all night doing exercises is helping you. In fact, your metabolism will go down 10 to 20 % if you sleep less than 6 hours a night. Get the rest you need.

🦋Food is not the enemy. When it becomes your aly it’s going to be a blessing. At the end of the day, you need the nutrients, So stop working against it and make it a tool for you to reach all your goals. It can get you the body that you want without too much work tbh.

🦋 ️ You guys have to stop with the famous “breakfast is the most important meal of the day”. If you were to look deeper into things you would know that the word originates from “breaking a fast” because it is the first meal after a long period of fast (when you sleep) depending on how long and everything but technically it still applies. So yes, it does help to kick start your metabolism, but there are many other ways to do so. Do what works for your lifestyle. Intuitive eating can really help with the disorder.

🦋Not all diets are going to work for you. Don't get discouraged. Try a few and see what works. Keep in mind to incorporate a little bit of every food group (if possible) to make sure you won't lack any crucial nutrients. Again, do your research.

🦋When reaching your GW or UGW, you may still feel unhappy. Yes, it feels like if you were skinnier, the world would turn around and become a wonderful place to be, but it’s not necessarily the case. It is not a magical way to solve all your problems, so be aware of possible disappointments.

🦋Keep yourself accountable. Stop blaming others or your life for things you have done. At the end of the day, you are the one doing everything. Excuses are not gonna help you achieve anything.

🦋The saddest part about this is that the sense of control is only temporary... If you have any other mental illnesses, it can mess you up so bad.. Mixing everything can be a lot at times, and I know how overwhelming it is to do all that by yourself. But, one way or another, you will have to go up against your demon and fight them or die trying.. Literally.

🦋This is not all rainbows and unicorn illnesses. It is hard to live through and even harder to witness it on someone else. You will cry, you will scream, and you will feel depressed and hopeless at times. Try to get someone you can talk to or vent to. This is why the online community is a huge part of EDs. Don't keep it all inside. It will break you.

🦋If you ever relapse after more than a year of recovery, you have to keep in mind that your body has changed. Especially if it went through puberty or if it is somewhere in your adulthood. If you plan on using the same old tricks you did as a teenager, I am sorry to announce to you that it might not work. Your relapse is like a whole new ED. You have to relearn everything about your body. It has adjusted to your harsh treatment and will definitely not cooperate the way it did before.

🦋If you are not ready mentally for recovery, it will NEVER happen. It cannot be forced. Recovery is the hardest part of the illness, but it is doable. And it takes time. It is not something that can be done overnight. Be patient, and at the end of the day, love yourself. But keep in mind that even fully recovered, the numbers won't magically stop in your mind. It will stay there as an afterthought. Some can live with it, and some can’t. If you need help, go get some.

🦋Calorie Counting🦋

So this is the most controversial topic of all but fuck it. This is my blog anyway I do what I want. Do with this information as you please. I am no doctor, just a bitch with a pharmacy and nutrition background.

🦋If you are to calculate calories, there are two crucial details you have to account for; your BMR (basal metabolic rate) and macronutriments.

🦋For macros, learn what they are and how to use them. It’s not just a question of fat, carbs, and protein. Look into understanding food labels and portion size and the percentages it represents in your daily food.. Especially when it comes to dry and wet food (ex: food labels on pasta and rice are for quantity when it is dry). It can really make a difference at the end of the day to have a good ratio of each group.

Most diets given by your trainers or dieticians are based on your BMR. Depending on how they calculated it, your exercise is already accounted for. So, in that case, you can not add your “active calories burned” from your smartwatch or whatever in your own calculations, thinking you can eat more or lose more. If you do so it’s going to nullify your progress for the day.

First, calculate your BMR (and no I’m not going to get involved in the gender debate, so use what you want).

Men= 66 + (6.23 x weight lbs) + (12.7 x height inch) - (6.8 x age in years)

Women= 655 + (4.35 x weight lbs) + (4.7 x height inch) - (4.7 x age in years)

Then multiplyz it by your activity level, and you will get your calories to maintain your actual weight. (1.2 = nothing, 1.375 = lightly, 1.55 = moderate). **I recommend just sticking with the lowest activity level possible since you want to know the minimum deficit of calories you can consume. So either do the 1.2 or not.

Now look into your goal. How much weight do you want to lose and by when ? The rough estimate is that 1 lbs = 3500 cals.

Let’s say you want to lose 10 lbs in 6 weeks. You will need to burn about 35,000 cal total in 6 weeks = 5,834 cal / week = 834 cal / day. (This is your deficit). Take your BMR again and subtract the last number to see how much your allowance is (ex: a BMR of 1800 means that your diet would be 1800 - 834 = 966 cal a day) It’s only a rough estimate. Because your BMR changes from day to day depending on the amount of stuff you do. If your deficit ends up negative, you need to revise your goal because on paper, it is unachievable and highly dangerous.

✨️✨️ Like I said , everything is just an estimate. Water weight and hormonal cycle are not included in this little math. ✨️✨️

🦋Purging🦋

You have to understand a few things before even thinking about doing it

🦋The biggest thing about purging is the long-lasting consequences. The acid in your stomach is extremely harmful. Think about it. It literally dissolves organic stuff to virtually nothing. There are a lot of medical problems that are linked to purging.

🦋The calorie absorption starts as soon as you begin chewing your food. There is acid that is released through your spit (yes, even if it is less acidic than your stomach, it is still there). So the famous method “chew and spit” is not the best because it is still harmful to your mouth health.

🦋 Purging is not a miracle erase switch. There is no Uno Reverse here. Even if you were to purge the entirety of your stomach, and that only a mere second after finishing eating, your body has already absorbed a portion of the calories ! A general rule is that about 1/3 to 2/3 of the calories will be left behind.

🦋 Now, even after all that you do purge, DO NOT BRUSH YOUR TEETH RIGHT AFTER. I swear to God that this is the worst thing you could do. 🦋

🦋If you were to ask the dentist when is the best time to brush your teeth in the morning, they would all agree that you can do it right after you wake up or 30-60 minutes after consuming food because of the acid mentioned earlier. Imagine how bad it would be after vomiting. So after a purge, you should try to swish some bicarbonate and water to bring the pH down and swallow half a glass to ease up your mouth, esophagus, and stomach. (I do 1 tbsp for 1 cup of water).

🦋Also, DO NOT PURGE if you don't drink enough liquid in your stomach. It is easier to do it when you do not only have solid shit in and less gross. Also it helps to reduce the acidity when it comes out.

🦋 Unfortunately, not all people have a gag reflex. Some studies show that nearly ⅓ of the population claim to feel it. Furthermore, it is shown that people who use any tobacco substance or other smoking substitute may be more prone to experience the lack of it. But it might also be that your body got used to your “mia” methods, thus being more resistant to where and how you are doing it. In that case, specialists point to other factors that can trigger it. So people will have a reaction caused by smell, others would find it with different stimulus points such as the roof of the mouth, back of the throat, tongue and near the tonsils. Moreover it can help to change the “tool” you are using (like going with something with a different texture like a cotton swab or the dental wood stick since it might help to trigger the reaction).

With that being said, if there is one thing you should remember about this whole thing is to be careful and aware.

Stay safe lovies. 🦋

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