#but she specializes in bpd so she knows her stuff at least but yeah | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

eyoricka · 3 years

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Fight - Pete Davidson

Requested: yes

Words: 2300

Trigger warnings: some curse words

Pete was not his regular self this past few days. The BPD was hitting hard probably because of stress. He was under pressure for his new special and his whole mental state was affected. You did everything you could to make him feel better, but it was tough. He booked more therapy sessions but on a short run it was not enough. You encouraged him to watch some movies he likes to relax, to express himself creatively and to do some exercises with you however it created more tension than everything. Small things were triggering some Pete’s negative reactions, it was very hard to keep up. You wanted to be there for him, showed that you cared. Sometimes it was just nearly impossible and that worried you. You were kind of used to those situations but this time it was a longer, rougher episode and it began to play with your own mental state.

You were in the kitchen baking some peanut butter brownie for the dessert when Pete entered in the room. He seemed tensed but smiled at you lazily. He approached you and kissed your temple while looking at what you were cooking. He frowned a bit but said nothing. You were surprised by this reaction, he usually loved this treat.

“You don’t like it anymore?”, you asked still taken aback. He rolled his eyes but remained silence which upset you. “You can use your words to answer, you know.”

“I am just wondering if you really know me and want the best for me” he replied growing annoyed.

“You what??!! Where does that come from?!!”

“You know I have Crohn and you know it can be worsened by nuts” he placed a huge emphasis on the you know. “But still you are baking this” he glanced at the brownie meanly, rose his hand towards it and for a second you thought he might throw it in the trash or on the floor. Instead, he put his hand on his face and sighed: “I really wondered why I still get home to be welcomed like that.”

Those words stung you, hard. You had taken of your time to bake this, it was just a small attention and you didn’t expect this reaction. You bit your lips refraining yourself to reply harshly, deep down believing that he didn’t think that, didn’t actually mean that.

“Well, I think you are stressed and angry and maybe you should go relax and we can discuss that later.” You kindly reply, putting a smile on your face.

“Now actually we should discuss that now, you are the one who says that when there is a problem, we have to discuss it, let’s do that.”

“Yeah, but when you are calm, ready to talk without your feelings interfering and risking saying things you don’t mean.”

“I am calm and ready to talk” he insisted visibly growing upset. You nodded and sighed frustratedly. There was no point arguing and you didn’t want to deal with him being angry for such a flutily, so you let him speak. You weren’t really listening carefully to what he was saying considering that he just needed to let some stuffs out because he was stressed. You were sure that he would apologize as soon as his crisis would be over so there was no point in taking to heartedly what he was saying. You didn’t want to ignore him, but it was easier that way, else you would probably be hurt by some words he pronounced without thinking. “Are you even listening to me?!!” he snapped at you while you were lost in your own thoughts. You winced trying to find a way to explain why you were not very into what he was saying without upsetting him even more.

“I…No I don’t really listen. But look Pete you are annoyed and half of the things you are saying, you will regret them later so…”

“You must be fucking kidding me!!! How can you know that I will regret them if you don’t even listen to them! You know what it proves, it proves that you don’t care about how I feel or why, that you don’t give a fuck about me!!”

“No, it is not like that!” you exclaimed trying to make your point.

“Stop trying to make yourself look like the nice guy while I am the bad one!!! Fuck… I can believe you, from all the people I thought I could trust you!”

“But you can” you pleaded.

“No!! Visibly I can’t but I should not be surprise you can’t even seem to remember or care about what I can eat or no so I guess listening to my feelings is too much to ask!!” You opened your mouth to reply to that but he continued: “Maybe if it is too much you should leave, you would probably be happier without me, without pretending you love me, care about me. And I would also be happier, I would finally find someone for me!!” he yelled certainly not even knowing what he was saying, the stress, the anger he was feeling for days were taking the best of him.

Even if you knew that, you still never expected such words. You were astonished to say the least. You couldn’t even answer to that, you were still processing those hurtful words. After few seconds at looking silently at each other, it hit you, what he just said, what he meant. It took every ounce of courage you had to not cry in front of him and simply nod, leave the room silently. You went to your share bedroom and grabbed a bag, put some clothes in it with your toiletry bag. You sent a quick text to a friend of yours asking her to sleep at her place for the night and she accepted without questioning you further. When you crossed the living room to leave the place, you saw that Pete was still standing there, looking at the window. He was back at you. “I will come back in few days to get back the rest of my stuff” you stated, and he didn’t turn around. You put everything in the car and drove to your friend’s place.

When Pete heard the sound of your car driving way, he realized. He realized what he had just say, what it implied, how badly he had screwed up. He wanted to run to you but it was too late, you were gone and he didn’t even know where, he haven’t even seen your face one last time. This broke him and tears streamed down his face. What an idiot. You were right. Of course it wasn’t the moment to talk, of course the anxiety he was feeling was taking the best of him, of course you had nothing to do with all of this. He had been so unfair to you, during all your relationship you had cared, you had listened to him, you had made your best to make him feel better, good, you always had been careful about his feeling, you had been supportive of his decisions and involved in everything he had tried to do. He never thanked you, not really and the only time you were not listening because you were sure that he was not thinking straight, he had been an asshole. He wanted to make it up, he needed to apologize, he wanted to fix things, but he ignored where to start. He was crushed by the idea that it was definitely over, that he would never see you smile at him, wear his shirt, cook for him, play video games with him, falling asleep in his arms while watching movies… All those precious, treasured moments you shared would vanish and he would never be able to relive them.

He tried to recompose himself and called you, but he never reached anything else than your voicemail. The sole sound of your voice humming asking to leave a message was enough to make him sob again. He fell asleep that night crying while you did the same some miles away. Those few miles felt like the abyss between you, an abyss that none of you would be able to cross that night to join the other.

When you woke up the following morning, you had a lump in your throat, you felt sick. Your friends had made you a delicious breakfast to cheer you up and you smiled kindly at her. She didn’t pry in your intimacy last night, she did what she could to make you happier, gave you space and let you sleep while insisting that she was there in case you needed. You were so grateful to have her. As you were eating, you received a text from Pete, you were not sure if you wanted to open it or not, if you were brave enough to read it but you couldn’t avoid it. You would have to read it at some point so there was no need to put it to another moment. You were a bit shook by his words, expecting a breakup text, a date to pick up your remaining stuff. You couldn’t help but smile a bit at your screen: “I am so dumb, I am surely the dumbest dude in all New York, and I am sorry, I can’t apologize enough for my behavior. But please give me one last chance to talk to you, if you don’t want to see me after that I can understand but I want to apologize to you in person, you deserve it, you are amazing and that is the least I could do after all the hurt I caused.” You texted back a brief ok, thanked again your friend and drove back to your place. Your fingers were drumming nervously against the steering wheel.

To your surprise the front door wasn’t locked and then you remembered that you had left in such a rush that you hadn’t even taken the keys. As you took off your shoes, you heard Pete made his way to the entrance and you took a seconds or two to look at him. Judging by the enormous bag under in eyes you guessed he hadn’t had much sleep last night, his eyes were glossy giving you a clue on how he spent the night crying. He looked miserable and you presume that you looked the same. He approached you slowly like he was scared that you would reject him. When he realized that you were not angry at him but rather hurt, he internally felt like dying. He had always sworn to make you happy, laugh, to protect you and in the end, he was the precise reason you were pained. He rose his hand to help you to take your coat off and you noticed that his hand was shaking.

“I am that intimidating?” you humored him, and he smiled sadly at you. You then proceed to follow him in the living room, as you sat on the couch, he paced around the room. Your eyes followed him closely as he was moving, chewing on his lips, and playing with his sweatshirt. He eventually locked his eyes with yours and decided to sit down in the armchair in front of you.

“I am sorry, I fucked up immensely, I don’t even have words to tell you how sorry I am. What I did, what I told you, it was unspeakable, ignominious, and if you can’t forgive now or never, I would get it but sincerely I am sorry. I can even begin describe how much I feel like the worse for making you feel like this, to have accused you of things you never did. You always had been there for me, always, even in the harder moments, you had always tried to make me feel better when I am low, you spent hours listening to me and my struggles and the only thing I do is to tell you that you don’t do enough. Fuck, I am so stupid. I should have listened to you. I know apologize are not enough, I realize how badly I hurt you, how from the start I was an ass. You baked me something I like and because I am feeling bad, I take all my anger at you, this is fucked up I am sorry. My mental health is not an excuse for what I did to you, to treat you like this it was awful of me. I felt anxious and attacked at work, so I attack you and this behavior, my behavior it can not lead us anywhere except to our downfall. You don’t have to forgive, you don’t have to say anything, I would get it you know, I am just sorry.”

You brushed away a tear on your cheek, you felt like crying and you couldn’t pinpoint why. Maybe because you were really hurt, or because this apology seemed so sincere or simply because you couldn’t stand to see him like this considering that he had realized how cruel he had been. You stood up and took his hands in yours, enjoying their warmth. You let him engulf you in his arms, intoxicated by his scent while he buried his head in the crook of your neck.

“What you said yesterday, it stung me hard, but I am willing to forgive you, Pete. But I don’t want to relive that again, not in few days, not in months, not in years. I want this to make us stronger, we can use this to advance, to be better, okay?” you whispered as you pressed your head against his chest. You felt him tighten his grip on you as he murmured back “okay”.

#pete davidson #pete davidson x reader #pete davidson imagine #snl fic #pete davidson fanfic #pete davidson oneshot

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musashi · 4 years

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Give us the jessie bpd rant

JESSIE TEAMROCKET HAS BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER: A POST

[Paraphrased behaviours. I’m not a psychologist I just read the DSM-5 for fun. This is not a diagnostic tool, but if you identify with this post maybe look into some actual ones and learn some fun stuff about yourself.]

Identity problems, an unstable sense of self.

Jessie describes herself as adaptable, someone who can fit in anywhere, and this is indeed one of her strengths! She doesn’t let a lack of experience or qualifications discourage her because she believes that she can shift and change to suit her environment, and she’s right!

It’s also a major weakness of hers, though. Jessie in her element (when she’s her true self) is loud, confident, assertive, and bold. However, whenever she 'imprints’ on someone she throws her true personality aside entirely--buries it under the facade of someone who is malleable, softspoken, easy to be around, does whatever they can to make the person they love choose them. This trait of hers, and how it’s a fault, is a MAJOR plot point in XY063.

there’s a scene early on in this episode where she’s partially paralyzed from a stun spore, and Dr. White, the man who saved her from drowning, feeds her a berry to fix it. She poses triumphantly with her arms in the air and shouts ‘THAT DID THE TRICK!’ then realizes she’s being too loud around an attractive man and immediately throws her hands over her mouth, trying to stop more words from coming. It’s an incredibly effective way of showing how contradictory Jessie is when she imprints on someone. The Jessie we know would never even think of second guessing how much room she takes up in the world.

In this episode, Jessie has feelings for Dr. White, and she completely buries her personality to make herself a silent, sweet, softspoken housewife in the hopes that he’ll fall in love with her. Dr. White instead falls for his childhood friend, a loud, rude, brash girl who likes to fight, calls him a wimp and tells him to fuck off when he presses her buttons.

The tragedy of this episode is that Jessie is forced to confront this about herself--this way she shifts and changes to keep people near may very likely have caused her to lose something here. She’s forced to reckon with the idea that if she had just been herself, he might have loved her back. Not in spite of her personality, but because of it.

In Borderlines, this trait is often a survival mechanism, driven entirely BY:

A debilitating fear of potential abandonment, perceived or based in past trauma.

Jessie’s childhood trauma, though not often discussed, hinges entirely on her abandonment issues. She was given up to foster care around kindergarten age, which was long enough to learn to love her mother before never getting to see her again. Jessie’s implied to have been a deeply lonely child who never had a family to call her own, and who didn’t fit in with any other girls her age because she was too poor to afford even basic food and couldn’t keep up.

When Jessie opens up about her love life, she doesn’t go into specifics, only mentioning that it’s been full of nothing but heartbreak thus far. She’s an unreliable narrator, always, but when she’s inviting pity on herself it’s almost always manipulation to gain something, and these moments don’t seem to have that element. When she talks about her love life in EP100, it’s very carefully accented with this image:

In her adolescence, Jessie tried to center herself around her passions, pursuing them whenever she was handed the opportunity. Frequently, though, she’d find herself meeting people and growing attached to them, and would eventually reach a crossroads where she forced herself to choose between the people she cared about and the goals she chased relentlessly.

The biggest example of this is DP073, where she chooses to stay and train to be an idol, rather than to travel with the boy she’s in love with.

She ends up not passing her audition, losing both him and her shot at her career. This starts Jessie’s descent into compulsively abandoning/parting ways with everyone in her life in an attempt to control how people exit her story. The only way to prevent yourself from being abandoned with 100% certainty is, of course, to leave them before they can leave you.

This kinda blends into the next point, which is:

Instability in personal relationships.

As previously mentioned, Jessie has a tendency to leave people behind & sever ties. It’s only speculation on my part, but it would make sense that she does this because she has been left behind in so many regards and by so many people she loved, it’s the only way she feels she can take control of this phenomenon.

People who watched a lot of OS back in the day, but don’t necessarily keep up with the series much now, will famously circulate Jessie’s speech to the Ghost of Maiden Rock in EP020. The maiden was a woman who died waiting for her lover who was out at sea, and since her death her spirit’s remained on the cliffside in the hopes that he would come home. Jessie shoots the ghost of the maiden with a fucking bazooka half her height and says this:

This is lauded by 90s kids everywhere as a #GirlPower speech about how Jessie don’t need no man (which is true), but it’s actually, like... kinda tragic? She hates the ghost of the maiden because she sees herself in it, and she takes the opportunity to proclaim that what she sees of herself makes her sick to look at. This speech she gives is so aggressively out of nowhere and so long and rambling that you have no choice but to read it as deeply personal. She just short of confirms that you can’t leave Jessie because Jessie leaves FIRST.

And you GET to see this in action. Jessie struggles so hard with loyalty. In ALL her relationships! Literally all of them. Every time something shakes up her foundation with a person in her life, she hardlocks herself into run run RUN mode because there’s a slight chance they might leave her and she CANNOT have that.

It was shown in the most explicit detail in the side story about what she was like in training, where Jessie’s inability to stay beside various partners in Team Rocket is literally the trait that defined her to everyone in the organization.

There’s even a beautifully symbolic shot in the beginning of that episode where she abandons her 12th partner, and kneels down while the world literally collapses behind her.

In DP073, when Jessie sees her Dustox has fallen in love with another Dustox, she demands that Dustox leave despite the pokemon hesitating. She doesn’t let Dustox control that scenario--Jessie crushes her pokeball and demands she migrate with her mate.

When Meowth dips on her and James to work food service because he finds it more rewarding, Jessie doesn’t try to fight it, instead focuses her energy on also leaving her teammates in her dust because at least she can get out of there and move on before James abandons her.

When she realizes White loves another girl, she doesn’t bother to even say goodbye to him, she just leaves wordlessly with nothing in her wake but a bouquet of daisies, and when she remembers that oh right, her wobbuffet is also in love with White’s own--

She tries to leave him, too.

You can’t fire Jessie. Jessie quits.

This is the in-depth, analytical part of me Diagnosing Her. Everything else she exhibits is far more General and really doesn’t need a trained eye:

Instability in one’s goals, aspirations, or career: Jessie has a steady job in Team Rocket, but is constantly picking up side-hustles and being distracted by passions like acting, performing, contests, and the like. She’s left Team Rocket entirely before to pursue Contests, only to return almost immediately. (DP117)

Difficulty controlling the range/intensity of one’s emotional responses: Long past the Slapstick Days of the original series, Jessie’s still incredibly prone to outbursts. It’s not just anger--she reacts equally strongly when she’s sad, happy, lovestruck, anything. I have used this exact phrasing before, but Jessie doesn’t feel her emotions, she becomes them.

Poor impulse control: Kind goes hand-in-hand with the above.

Engaging in dangerous/risky/self-harming activities with no concern to personal limitations: This applies to all of Team Rocket, but Jessie seems to take it a step further in thinking she’s invincible. She’ll throw herself headfirst into anything, rarely backs down from a fight, and often has trouble taking rest days even when she needs them because she lacks self-preservation.

Hair-trigger temper: lol yeah.

Unstable emotions/mood swings: lol YEAH, Jessie will be crying one minute, screaming the next, immediately fine. She can cycle the whole spectrum of human emotion before you can finish a sentence.

Idealization & Imprinting: Jessie frequently rushes into relationships based entirely on the idea of a person, not grounded in reality. She becomes attached to people incredibly easy at times, willing to throw her entire life thus far away to run away with someone she’s just met.

Living entirely in the moment, unable to comprehend the past/future: Jessie prefers to go with the flow and, as previously mentioned, adapt if things don’t turn out in her favour. If something doesn’t work out for her, she immediately will turn in the other direction and start toward whatever’s there.

This post is so long and I could probably make it longer but I’m gonna stop here. My credentials are I’m an Incredibly Powerful Jessie Kinnie who has BPD herself as well as an autistic who’s special interest is the pokemon anime and team rocket specifically fdhdfghg.

IN CONCLUSION,

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redrobinfection · 4 years

Text

Batgirls’ Favorite Mentor

Babs & Batfam || Babs & Cass || Babs & Steph || implied DickBabs || Implied JayTim || Read on Ao3 || Happy Birthday, Barbara Gordon! ❤

<< A sequel to last year’s “Dick’s Favorite Person”

~*~

After Barbara's birthday dinner, Tim, Cass and Steph dragged everyone down to the Wayne Manor home theater to watch movies-- 'everyone' including Bruce, Damian, and her father, all three of whom seemed uncomfortable at the prospect of spending the evening participating in normal family bonding activities rather than heading back out into the night to fight crime, even if they couldn't acknowledge that they all three shared that discomfort.

(She was pretty sure her father knew everything--that she had been Batgirl, that Bruce was Batman, and about all the Robins and succeeding Batgirls--or at least suspected most of it, and had for a long time now, but he would never admit as much in order to maintain his plausible deniability).

Barbara struggled to contain her amusement every time she glanced over at them sitting side-by-side, stiff and awkward, on the couch. Oh, the rich irony.

While Steph, Tim and Cass convinced her to pick out a few movies for the family to watch, Dick and Jason helped Alfred clean up from dinner and make some popcorn, and then they escorted the grandfatherly man down to join the little party as well. Barbara picked the Ghostbusters series--including the new reboot film--for their watch party, feeling a little pre-halloween excitement for the first time in a long time, thanks to her good mood.

Her father stayed through the first film--it was something special having her father on one side of her on the big sectional couch, Dick on her other side, and the rest of her chosen family around her, laughing and making witty remarks about the movie--and then he excused himself.

Bruce, Damian, and Alfred persevered through the second, after which Bruce excused himself to "check on an ongoing case"--Barbara knew there was no ongoing case, but she was sure Bruce would also mind his manners around the Birds of Prey, seeing as he had promised her he was fine with them taking over for the night, so she let it slide--and Damian followed, muttering excuses of helping his father.

Alfred sighed and apologized to her, saying he should probably go down and ensure they didn't get up to too much mischief. His tone and the way he phrased it made Barbara giggle and she kissed him on the cheek with a quiet thank you for the dinner and everything else before letting him leave.

That left Barbara, Steph, Cass, Tim, Jason and Dick to watch the reboot film together, and Barbara had to say she enjoyed the extra quality time with her Robins and Batgirls. After that Tim, Jason and Dick also took their leave.

From the sounds of it Jason planned to drag Tim back to their apartment where he had apparently made and hidden extra portions of the mocha frosting used on the cake he gave her earlier and had some creative ideas about where to apply it only to lick it off again--Jason kept his tone low, but Barbara, being Barbara, overheard anyway. She smirked, but also blushed, making a note to avoid watching the surveillance video records for their apartment during these next couple of hours unless it became absolutely necessary.

Dick, blissfully oblivious of Tim and Jason’s plans, wandered off after them, probably headed up to bed or down to the cave to train for a bit before turning in.

After the boys left, Steph and Cass got even more excited and energetic, pulling out nail polish, face masks, and makeup. Barbara chortled at the idea of them doing makeovers and manicures like teenaged girls at a sleepover, but she went along with it with grace. Despite being Batgirls, the three of them weren't overly feminine, but every now and then it was fun to do some normal girl stuff and laugh together at how silly some of it felt.

They put the ridiculous Halle Berry Catwoman movie on in the background--Selina hadn't been overly impressed with that cinematic take on her persona, but Steph vehemently claimed that Halle Berry, acting in that role, had been a crucial part of her gay awakening--and then they did facials and manicures while they talked about boys--not boys in general, and definitely not daydreaming over dating them, but specifically the batboys, commiserating long and loudly over how ridiculous they could be, particularly Bruce.

At a certain point, Steph began not so subtly steering the conversation toward something that was not yet apparent, but Barbara was the one who had taught Steph the finer points of redirection, so she would know, even if she hadn't spotted the end goal as of yet.

"Y'know," Stephanie said, "it's nice when the Birds of Prey come and help out around Gotham. They always do a good job and work well enough with the boys, too." She glanced over as Cass and gave her a pointed look. Cass grinned back at her and began nodding along to the words very deliberately.

"Yeah, that's true…" Barbara allowed cautiously, suppressing the urge to shake her head at their painfully-obvious non-verbal signaling. Their poor attempts to manipulate the conversation notwithstanding, she was curious to see where this was headed, at the very least.

"I mean you should totally ask them to come take over for a couple of days, sometime," Steph went on in a carefully casual tone as she finished the second coat of polish on the fingernails of Barbara's left hand. "Y'know? Maybe take a vacation? Get out of Gotham for a while?"

Barbara sighed and began waving the hand, encouraging the wet polish to dry. "I appreciate what you guys are trying to do," she replied, looking them each in the eye in turn, "but I just don't have the time, what with Halloween and then the holidays. This is such a busy time of year for the crazies--and even for the not-so-crazies--and Bruce will never-"

To her surprise, Cass crouched down right in front of her and cut her off, both with her patented Cassandra Cain stare and with the words, "Yes. But listen."

Barbara blinked, then nodded. Cass smiled slightly then looked up to Steph and nodded for her to continue.

Steph nodded back and dropped the faux-casual tone, saying, "It's already done, Babs. We asked every single Bird on the roster to come by during the second week of November, right after the Halloween crazy-fest and just before the holiday madness.

"Kara, Donna and Koriand'r agreed to rotate out to keep an eye on things from above, Cass convinced Bruce to let them all to bunk here at the manor-" Barbara's eyes boggled while Cass nodded smugly "-and all the boys are on board with the plan and ready to play nice. Cass and I will be here too, just to make sure everyone gets along." Cass cracked the knuckles of one hand and grinned, nodding ominously.

"So, you see, it's all settled," Stephanie finished, looking smug. "You just have to say yes."

Barbara blinked rapidly, struggling to process all the surprises that had just been dumped on her. "Wait… so…I get a choice? To say yes or not?"

Steph laughed. "Yes, Babs, of course; this our gift to you, not a mandated vacation! So what do you say?"

Barbara shook her head, not sure how to respond. "Look, even if I had the time, I haven't exactly saved up to, you know, do anything special or go anywhere...I wouldn't even know where to go..."

"Well, Dick said he would go with you, if you wanted some company," Stephanie said, "Or he would stay here to help hold down the fort if you prefer but, as for paying for the trip…"

Cass walked up to the double doors to the den, pushed them open a crack and stuck her head out into the hall. "Hey, Dick, get your dick in here."

Steph choked on air and then burst out laughing. Barbara couldn't help but grin, especially when Cass backed up far enough to allow an upset and confused Dick Grayson entry into their den of Batgirls.

"Cass, that uhhh…isn't how that saying goes…" he began slowly, looking at Steph and Barbara in alarm.

"She knows that," Steph replied with a smug smile. She shot Cass an appreciative look that Cass returned with a grin and a wink.

Dick simply shook his head and let it go. "So we're doing the gift now?" he asked, glancing at Barbara, but directing his words to Stephanie.

"Yes," Barbara replied, barely concealing her amusement at their 'sneaky' tactics--What had Dick done for an hour in the hall while waiting to be called back in again? Since when did Dick Grayson have the patience for subterfuge anyway?--"Steph and Cass just explained to me that I'm being sent on vacation-"

"If you want!" Steph blurted.

Barbara laughed out loud. "If I want, apparently, and that you've also volunteered to go with me." She raised an eyebrow and adopted a mischievous tone. "Is the part where you offer to be my personal cabana boy? Or to bring your police uniform and strip for me every night?"

Dick grinned. "No, but those aren't bad ideas." He sobered and went on, saying, "No, this is the part where I offer to fly you anywhere in the world--out of my own BPD savings--and give you the choice to go and explore on your own, or to take me along for the ride if you want someone to keep you company and have your back while you're on the road."

Barbara stared, feeling her eyes go misty. "Dick, I...wow. That's…Yeah, I'd really like that."

Dick's grin brightened into a genuine smile, and out of the corner of her eye she saw Stephanie fist pump and then fist bump Cassandra. Barbara thought about it for a few seconds and then said,

"The Italian Lakes."

Dick tilted his head questioningly. "In the Italian Alps?"

Barbara nodded decisively. "I know it will be chilly in November, but I want to go there. I've always wanted to see them and stay in one of the villas."

Dick laughed and nodded. "Like that one they used for the Naboo lake country in Star Wars Episode II?"

Barbara rolled her eyes but smiled. "Yes, you closeted-nerd, exactly like that."

"Consider it done," Dick replied without hesitation.

"Thank you," she replied sincerely, turning her gaze onto all three of them. "You all had to have talked about this extensively, probably weeks in advance, and done so much leg work to get everyone on the same page…" she narrowed her eyes, suddenly suspicious, "and you still managed to hide it from me of all people?!"

"Yes, from the all seeing Oracle," Steph laughed, grinning infuriatingly.

How even, Barbara mouthed, shaking her head incredulously.

"By only speaking in-person in electronics-free areas," Steph replied, smiling conspiratorially. "By passing each other coded notes and-"

"Smoke signals," Cass added, nodding sagely.

"And messenger pigeons, too, of course," Dick finished, his eyes sparkling with mirth.

Barbara shook her head at the three of them then shook a finger at one in particular. "Dick, you son of a bat, you lied to me," she accused, smiling broadly. "You totally had a gift all along and you led me on all evening!"

"Yeah," Dick admitted with a sigh, running a hand through his hair, "I didn't want to spoil the surprise, but it was sooooooo hard, I really wanted to give you something--anything--so much earlier..."

"I'm glad you didn't," Barbara cut in. "The surprises--both of them--were wonderful. Thank You." She looked Stephanie, then Cassandra in the eyes. "All of you. Really. This means a lot."

Steph swooped down to give her a hug. As soon as she straightened, Cass leaned down gracefully to give one of her own. Barbara squeezed each of them tightly in turn, trying desperately to relay the gratitude beyond words that she felt for their thoughtfulness as well as she could through the contact. The knowing smile Cass gave her as they separated told Barbara her unspoken message was received and understood.

"Only the best for the best mentor," Cass replied quietly.

Stephanie nodded. "We wouldn't be the Batgirls we were-" she glanced at Cass "-and are today if it weren't for you. You're the MVB forever."

Barbara frowned for a moment, then smiled. "Most Valuable Batgirl?"

Cass and Steph nodded and Dick nodded too, in the background.

"Forever," Cass repeated.

"Awwww, Batgirls…" Barbara cooed, feeling tears prick at the corners of her eyes. She motioned them back in and drew them into a tight group hug, all three of them slinging their arms around each other, laughing when their heads eventually clonked together. After a moment Barbara noticed Dick smiling fondly at the three of them from a discrete distance.

She raised her head and cleared her throat. "Okay, all non-Batgirls, please vacate the room. The official Batgirl spa night continues now."

Steph and Cass giggled but stepped away and busied themselves with rewinding the movie, giving Dick an opening to approach Babs before leaving once again. He stopped beside her chair, leaned down, and kissed her gently on the forehead, murmuring, "Happy Birthday, Babs."

She caught him by the chin and drew him down into a quick kiss, murmuring her thanks against his lips. He smiled, stood, then left quietly through the double doors.

To one side, Steph and Cass scrutinized bottles of nail polish with undeserved concentration, clearly trying to give Barbara and Dick some privacy. Barbara smiled.

"Okay, so, back to business. We’ve finished facials and fingernails, so...how about pedicures now?"

Steph and Cass blinked in surprise. "Are you sure?" Steph asked. She and Cass never made a big deal out of Barbara's paraplegia--often openly discussing it with Barbara as the situation required--but they'd also tried to avoid activities that would highlight her differences, such as pedicures.

"Yeah, I know, I wouldn't be able to feel it, but, you know, it's been such long time since my feet have had a chance to get fancy. It's my birthday, so…why not?" Barbara replied lightly, smiling slyly at them.

Slowly their faces brightened until Steph was beaming and Cass' eyes were reduced to delighted slivers.

"Absolutely!" "Of course!"

~*~

Alfred’s Favorite Barbara >>

#my writing #mine #christmasriverswrites #barbara gordon #happy birthday babs #babs and steph #babs and cass #babs and dick #dickbabs #implied jaytim #i'm not overly pleased with this installment--particularly the sloppy editing--but here it is #long text post

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tanadrin · 5 years

Text

via @sophia-epistemia’s recommendation (emphasis added):

This is a pattern of introducing middle-men that has proliferated throughout the finance side of health care: “Hmm, this part of our enterprise sure is expensive! Why don’t we spin it off as an independent business or outsource it? Surely some enterprising entrepreneur can figure out a way to do it more cheaply than we can, so we’ll just black box the problem and pick the lowest bidder to solve it for us.”

Here’s another example of that pattern. Medicare, the Federal health insurance for the elderly, insures people directly. But the Federal program for the poor, Medicaid, does not. Instead the Feds give the money to the state to run a Medicaid program. Here in Massachusetts, ours is called MassHealth. The federal government has outsourced the actual insuring of poor people to the state.

So the state insures poor people? Not exactly, here in Massachusetts. MassHealth is (mostly) not an insurance program. MassHealth funds insurance. It’s an insurance subsidy program. The actual providers of insurance are commercial insurers who offer MassHealth-approved plans.

This, by the way, is the big crucial concession of first Romneycare and then Obamacare to the health insurance industry: the state wouldn't take over insuring people directly, thereby putting the insurance companies out of business. The state would pay the insurance companies that already existed to do the job for the state. And the citizenry would have a choice of insurance products from a market place of multiple insurance companies. That is what made these plans the conservative answer to the liberal preference to single-payer. Back when they were considered conservative.

So when you get on MassHealth you get a choice of providers/plans. There are, last I checked, five. So your MassHealth-approved and –funded insurance company provides you health insurance?

Mostly.

If you choose Neighborhood Health Plan, and you require mental health care (one of several types of health care for which something similar is true) you will quickly discover that Neighborhood Health Plan (which, btw, is the name of the insurance company not the insurance plan) doesn’t have a network of psychiatrists and psychotherapists. They have outsourced the mental health component of their insurance product to another company, named Beacon Health Strategies.

I mean Beacon Health Options. They were just acquired by/merged with Value Options, and that’s the new name.

I assume all this divisioning is saving someone money, over what they think they’d be spending otherwise. But I can’t help but note that some share of the wages for at least one Medicaid employee, one MassHealth employee, one Neighborhood Health Plan employee and one Beacon Health Whatevers employee – minimum – have to come out of the premium for that patient, regardless of whoever is paying it.

Because it has to. There is no other money input into the insurance side of the system, besides the premiums. But I get ahead of myself.

The proposition that multiplying the number of parties and institutions that have to get a cut of every premium somehow reduces expenses is... eyebrow-raising. I’m not saying it’s not true, I’m saying that if it is, it says something pretty appalling about the comparison case.

...

But what I want to discuss is not the most charitable description, because I think these things weren’t just ineffective at keeping costs down. They were more like boring holes in the hull.

Here's a thing you need to know about The Beer Game: the reliably produced behaviors in the game are the product of humans being reliably human. The chaotic results are not required or enforced by the game. Rather the players in the game respond to the game's stimuli in a counterproductive way. There is an alternative way to behave (the theoretical maximal condition of losing only $200) that is vastly better. But people reliably don't do that because they have certain beliefs, intuitions, guesses, assumptions, and biases.

The whole point of the exercise is to bring to conscious attention these unconscious beliefs, intuitions, guesses, assumptions, and biases, so that they can be unlearned.

Allow me a digression from the whole of health care into that special mess with which I am most familiar: mental health care.

The DSM-III came out in 1980. This was Spitzer's DSM, the New! Impoved! Scientific! DSM for a new rational age. Insurers promptly adopted it – and promptly went through it and decreed certain diagnoses to be things they would and, more importantly, wouldn't pay for.

The following will be Sanskrit to many of you, but: DSM-III introduced the multiaxial diagnosis system. The payers took one look at Axis II and said, "Heeeeeeey, you can't actually treat that stuff can you?" and psychiatry said, "No, that's the stuff that's permanent," and payers said, "Oh, cool. Thanks!" and promptly made the presence of an Axis II disorder diagnosis grounds for terminating (paying for) mental health care, because, hey, Axis II disorders "aren't curable", so money spent of them – or on someone who had one – was "wasted".

This is how a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder – introduced with DSM-III – became so deeply prejudicial and stigmatizing: putting it on someone's paperwork could basically terminate their insurance. (Also, I have a hunch this is one of the things behind the idea that mentally retarded people can't be benefited by psychotherapy; mental retardation is also an Axis II disorder and I wonder if the Axis II == “no mental health treatment allowed” thing played out there, as well, but that's outside my orbit.)

This failed to rein in costs. (Actually, I'm confident the Axis II thing bit them in the ass really hard: people with untreated BPD/o generally consume emergency room resources like whoa.) So they examined the problem and they noticed something that I posted about: that you can't tell how well someone is functioning just from a diagnosis. Ah, okay, we’ve had been asking for the wrong information! Screw diagnosis! If Susie is stable on her meds and getting along fine, why should we pay for her to get psychotherapy just because she "Has Major Depressive Disorder"? Sammy's depression isn't so well controlled, so, sure, we'll pay for psychotherapy for Sammy, but, clearly, we need to know how impaired the patient is.

What happened next is that the insurance industry moved to what is known as the "impairment model". It wasn't enough for a treater to tell the payer what the patient's diagnosis is, the treater was expected to indicate the present impairments. Apparently, payers came up with their own lists of what impairments they would pay for mental health services to treat.

I say, "apparently", because they didn't tell the treaters. However, clinicians surmised these lists existed and some enterprising folks reverse engineered the lists.

Now, on one hand, this impairment model approach sounds very enlightened: diagnoses are deprecated, and understanding the presentation of a person's actual mental health condition is centralized. The problem is, however, that the other hand is trying to pick your pocket. We're still talking about payers (insurers) trying to figure out reasons they shouldn't have to pay for medical care. And their justification here isn't just that if you're doing fine with your Major Depressive Disorder, you don't need therapy, it's that if you are getting out of bed in the morning, getting to work, doing a job, earning a living, and meeting most of your obligations, and managing to eat and sleep and bathe, then that is the definition of "fine" and you are doing fine, no matter what you feel like. The impairment model is concerned with, duh, impairments: about what you can do, or more properly what you can't. It is unconcerned with suffering. It is unconcerned with subjective experiences. Feel worthless, numb, miserable, can't stop thinking of all the people you loved who have died? They don't pay for that to be treated if you're still keeping it together.

...

Now, note that in the diagnosis model, the treater can just write "major depressive d/o, recurrent, moderate" on the bill and be done with it. But that's not how the impairment model works. They didn't say, "Here's the list of things we'll pay for you to treat"; they were all cagey. Instead, they said, "Give us a little report on the patient, explaining why the patient needs treating." So now, clinicians are doing substantially more documenting just out of the gate and because they're then subsequently playing "20 Questions" with the payer to get payed, there's more back-and-forth.

Well, gee, that didn't get costs under control, either.

“Okay, look,” said some insurance companies. “This isn’t working. You guys keep explaining how all these patients are being so impaired by their conditions, and that can’t be right. Surely there can’t be that many behaviorally impaired people among our customers! [Clinicians everywhere: “BWAHAHAHA”] So from now on, we want you to explain not just what the problem is, but what you propose to do about it, and how its been going so far. No, we know you wrote a treatment plan, yeah, we required you to do that, no, we want a new thing on a different form. In addition.”

And on it goes. When I started at psyjob five years ago, we had to do treatment plans with both the diagnosis and impairment models, but then also fill out the insurance company's form ("unit requests") every so often to justify further treatment. Just as I showed up, I was informed that the new thing is that we needed to add a symptom checklist to the treatment plan. Okay. We were told that some of our payers are now demanding that we also track patient status with a standardized outcomes measure (think: a one page questionnaire the patient fills out), so we've added that, too. Okay. We were told that one of our insurers now requires that we fill out a two-party form for coordinating care with the patient's PCP: we fill out the mental health half, send it to the PCP, who is supposed to fill it out and send it back to us. We already requested an annual physical report, but we have to do this, too, now.

Seeing children on MassHealth? You now have to fill out a CANS assessment every 3 months. In addition to all the other paperwork already required by the state.

Who knows what new documentation tomorrow will bring? Nobody knows what it will be, but we all know it will be something, because the people trying to control costs are certain that if they just get enough information out of treaters, they will be able to figure out how to pay less for treatment.

As attentive readers will have long been noticing, I’m talking about coordinative communication.

This was, in fact, the place that the previously published Massless Ropes, Frictionless Pulleys: Coordinative Communication originally was going to go, before I factored it out. If you haven’t read it, you might want to go do that before proceeding. If you have read it, you might want to re-read it here.

What I’m describing in the two histories I’ve just shared – one about healthcare over all, and one about mental health specifically – are examples of how the demands for coordinative communication in the healthcare sector in the US absolutely exploded over the course of the last 40 years. The first also illustrates payers, both insurers and the state, recoursing to organ-ization in an attempt to manage the proliferating costs of coordinative communication, and, apparently, it failing to do so.

My hypothesis is this: that two things happened.

The first thing is that the expenditures on health care began to escalate exponentially as a function of the increased health care available to buy, and this process, which had been slowly gathering steam through the 19th century and into the 20th started rounding the curve of the hockey stick in the 1960s and 1970s.

Which brings us to the second thing that happened: the response. Just like in The Beer Game, players in the game reacted to the surge in demand, by attempting to do things to reduce costs. Wrong things. Precisely the wrong things.

There is a quote, famous among system dynamicists, from Jay Forrester, father of the field:

“People know intuitively where leverage points are. Time after time I’ve done an analysis of a company, and I’ve figured out a leverage point — in inventory policy, maybe, or in the relationship between sales force and productive force, or in personnel policy. Then I’ve gone to the company and discovered that there’s already a lot of attention to that point. Everyone is trying very hard to push it IN THE WRONG DIRECTION!”

It is my contention that in the US, the naïve response to the phenomenon of rising health care costs due to medical innovation was to increase coordinative communication, which counterintuitively caused costs to increase even more, and because that cost increase was not attributed properly to the increased coordinative communication, the answer to the problem of rising costs was seen to be ever more coordinative communications.

This was an economic death-spiral.

(source)

#on healthcare and cost disease #my problems with privatizing government services let me show you them #go read the whole thing it's really good

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lifeontheborderlineblog-blog · 5 years

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She’s a freak.

Can a person living with a mental health disorder ever find love?

I’ve been watching a lot of Netflix movies that involve the whole, boy/girl falls for the poplar jock/prom Queen and then looses all her/his friends over something really dramatic and realises they loved their Geeky best friend all along and everything just fixes itself again. Insert cheesy narrative of them telling the watchers “I learnt that life...” or “I never knew that that special person, was... standing right in front of me”

See I have never been in love, I have been “in love” because thanks to BPD I fall in love with the first person that talks to me. I don’t know if I’d even know what real love felt like because everything ends before I get the chance. Mainly I suck at being a normal human and keeping normal people relationships. I have pushed so many people away over the last few weeks, like they do in those movies, except in the situation it can’t be made up with an apology or cliche explanation. Because I will probably make the same mistake over and over again, although I’m trying to notice my patterns it isn't always obvious until after the wave of depression has crashed on the shore. The wave is sucked out by the current of the next wave and it is then I see the damage the previous wave has caused, the waves keep coming and the damage stays the same.

I told someone from church I wouldn't be going back, I feel like I hurt his feelings when I told him “I can’t be in a place where everyone dislikes me, thinks I’m weird”, I didn't tell him he was an exception because part of me feels like he is among them and the other I was just too wrapped up in her own baggage to realise he may not feel the way I think. I mean he messages me and invites me to his sport days, someone who disliked me wouldn't do that, I’m thinking in ‘wise mind’ right now, a sometimes handy DBT skill that I’m yet to master/understand. I am open to an extent with people when I feel they dislike me, but even if they deny my paranoia I only feel like they are lying for make sake... sometimes. You see it’s all about facial expression and body language, if I get a weird vibe, I’m not going to believe you. It’s the same way if someone looks at me differently, their voice changes I pick up on that, I pick up on everything and it hits me hard. “They are mad at you, they think you’re a freak, remember that insta video you made? yeah they saw that and laughed at you”, I’m made of tissue paper.

The thing is, everyone that I know are successful in what they are doing, they have families, friends, husbands and boyfriends. I am lucky if I can get someone to enjoy my company for more than a minute, because I have nothing to offer to a conversation, I am the least interesting person alive. I don’t have a job, I don’t have friends, I haven't ever had a boyfriend just a long line of encounters with men that never stay longer than two-three weeks.

In the film ‘Girl Interrupted’ they described a person with BPD as “unstable in relationships, self image and mood, uncertainty about goals, activities that are impulsive and self damaging such as casual sex. Pessimistic attitude was also added in there. I”ve had stuff like this thrown at me for years I never gave much attention but hearing it in this film, it hit me hard. Susanna says “that’s me” and I thought the same thing, except more. I have refused to accept that I do have traits from other Cluster B disorders such as Anti-Social Personality Disorder (APD) and Histrionic Personalty Disorder (HPD) the HPD hit me harder after self discovering because it’s such a deep disorder. I am uncountable with people being better than me or getting more attention than me, I will literally do or say anything to be... different. For someone that doesn't want to draw attention or stand out, I do a lot of things that draw attention. I’m confused how I can want to fit in so bad with everyone but be different at the same time.

I am truly fucked up.

Back to the love thing, because I can’t find love or have any chance at ever finding love, I turn to the first person who offers it. I will do literally anything to stop them leaving me, I will do anything to make them love me... anything. I have so many regrets because I wish I didn't give myself away so easily just because I thought it would make them love me. And I keep doing it. Deep down I want to feel something, anything than this dark hallow pit that is my soul.

I’m getting worse you know, I’m not getting better. Except because of DBT everything is in HD, everything has a name.... Anger, Sadness, black-white thinking-unwillingness... all my episodes and moods and feelings have names and that is all it is, names of fucked up shit I can’t control. It is now controlling me, I’m on an auto-pilot plane watching me fuck up everything in the VIP area.

I wish my mum was here, because at least she would be there holding my hand. So I wouldn’t have to do this alone. I have no one else, no one and to be frank it scares me half to hell. I am more familiar with pain and sadness than happiness. Borderline Personality Disorder is the closest thing to a relationship I’ve ever had.

Tia

#borderline personality disorder #being borderline #histronic personality disorder #hpd #bpd #antisocial personality disorder #apd #mental disorder #truth about mental health #bpd problems

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aceyanaheim · 5 years

Text

Okay let’s try this one more time.

Questions from this thingy that I saw a friendo do last year.

Introduction: Acey. That’s it that’s the introduction.

Diagnosis: I’m working on getting a Diagnosis but Autism and some form of attachment disorder.

As of 2019:

Neurocognitive and Cognitive Disorder due to Seizures

Major Depressive Disorder

General Anxiety Disorder

Social Anxiety Disorder

Personality Change Due to Seizure Disorder ( later confirmed by a second psychiatrist to be Borderline Personality Disorder)

C-PTSD symptoms ( still waiting on final diagnosis but symptons have been confirmed and disorder is very likely.)

Autism more or less confirmed by multiple professionals but still waiting to be able to afford testing.

Symptoms:

Autism/ASD : Can’t read tone. Hard time with social interaction. Sensory issues. Adherence to routine. Stimming. Scripting. Childish behaviour. Meltdowns. Hyperfixation.

Attachment Issues: I tend to attach/get attached to people really fast. At the same time I push them away or tell myself I don’t matter to them. I also have a hard time getting attached to people. It’s either super quick or like pulling teeth. I want to be with people all the time. Codependence I guess is the word I’m looking for.

Social Anxiety: I’m...basically always scared when I’m talking to people? I’m scared I’ll say the wrong thing. I have my answers and messages rehearsed and proofread and sometimes vetted by someone else ( unless it’s sensitive info) and I still feel like something comes across in a negative way. ( like This is too cheerful, That’s too morbid, does that sound dismissive? If I say This I fuck up in this way but if I say THAT I fuck up in another) It couples with my autism since that...actually makes me say awkward/wrong shit all the time.

Has come down since starting Lexapro but still present.

Emotional Flashbacks: Feelings that were there while you were experiencing the traumatic event. Happen at random triggers. Incredibly strong. To the point that they don’t correspond to the stimuli and feel freshly felt. ( tied to C-PTSD)

Hyper-vigilance ( tied to C-PTSD)

Anxiety attacks

Panic Attacks

Don’t act as mature as other people my age/more at home with younger people.

Hypersensitive to any perceived rejection.

Brain fixates on bad memories and repeats them : C-PTSD

Constant fear of it happening again: C-PTSD

Black or White thinking: I’ll think someone’s sick of me or can’t stand me at stuff like being left on read while also deciding I love them and they’re the best person ever when they do something nice to me. Intense but have some modicum of self awareness. ( i know on some level people dont dislike or hate me, i still spiral though)

“Duckling Syndrome” ( is what i call it) : I’ll see someone be nice to me and all I can think of is how much I want them to adopt me, to take me home, to make me part of their family. It’s too strong to be anything but disordered. It hurts. ( possibly part of bpd)

Has in the past put self in bad situations to not be alone ( connected to bpd/attachment disorder)

Other Stuff I either need to mention to my shrink and/or hasn’t been tied down to any of my dx disorders:

I want things to be Just So. Like I want a certain kinda paper for certain kinds of mediums in art. I want my food in a certain order. I eat it in A Certain Order I get really uncomfortable otherwise.

I think I’ve depersonalized or dissociated at least five times..but..only when things get REALLY bad...like when I spiral. I still get those two confused even after reading the definitions but it’s like….I don’t feel anything? But I’m weirdly aware that I’m supposed to? Like I flipped a switch. Also mixed with this weird its not real feeling. I hasn’t happened in roughly a year tho so I dunno if it counts? Its been happening again this year. Still unsure if disordered or stress reaction.

I tend to struggle with depressive episodes from time to time. Like I’ll just lay on the bed and not wanna do anything. I have games to play, I have hobbies I could indulge in but I just..don’t want to. Don’t see the point.

Have thought that I’d be better off not existing. ( AKA suicidal ideation) Currently under control.

I’ve developed these like...weird paranoia spells? Like this one time a cop yelled at me ( to mess with me) and I was suddenly terrified of him following me and hurting me and my dad ( which yes can be attributed to the amount of police brutality you hear about, especially to people who don’t speak english fluently but like I saw it in my mind’s eye and it would not stop and the dude left and I was still seeing in my head him like following me home and hurting us) or like just recently some man asked about my dog and how much she was worth and this weird ass alarm went off in my head to get the hell away from him and what if he follows me home? What if he takes my dog? What if he follows me home AND takes my dog? They’re pretty sporadic ( though not as much as I want them to be) but they’re also really intense. Have stopped since I started Lexapro.

Physical Self Harm in the past to ground, to punish myself, in times of high emotion. All of the above. ( has stopped as of last year. Even intrusive thoughts about it are at a minimum.)

Obsession with being “good”: If I ever do something I think is a mistake I all but turn on myself. I beat myself up. I think of myself as a bad person ( there’s only Good and Bad for me..but only in regards to myself) I have to be nice. I have to be kind. I have to be good in a way that’s disordered. ( this compounds with my social anxiety and bpd to bind me into being a “good person” ( someone who never gets mad never talks back never does anything but niceness irregardless of the fact that..it’s impossible) I tend to think if I’m “bad” that people need to punish me, yell at me, or hurt me. That I need to Atone) ( could be part of CPTSD due to past abuse. Answer pending)

Intrusive thoughts: mostly about self harm but also about “learning my place” and...calling myself things I’d rather not say. I’ve so far at least managed to recognize they’re intrusive ( might be related to any of the disorders listed above but also with past abuse but unsure at the moment. Shrink thinks its tied to bpd. Could be tied to past abuse I haven’t discussed in therapy yet.)

Disordered Eating of sorts: due to my mother being paranoid about unhealthy food I’ve gone days where I can’t bring myself to eat something because I’m scared it’ll hurt me. There’s times where I’ve needed my friend to tell me to eat. There’s times where I feel like if I eat I have to exercise it off. It’s about control, it’s about fear, it’s….about everything but weight. Hella strong last year. More or less brought under control as of this year. But remain as intrusive thoughts and pop up as intrusive thoughts from time to time.

React badly to being alone, especially at home and not getting social interaction. Depression kicks up, sometimes depersonalization ( might have ties to childhood epilepsy -having to be on lock-down and kept indoors a lot due to my own risk of being hurt via seizure- but combines with bpd/attachment disorders)

Have Shown Signs/Moments of Age Regression ( more often than not with the emotional flashbacks but not always)

Literally all the symptoms act up at night/around bedtime. Mostly anxiety but some others that have now been associated with bpd. Causes sleeping problems ( I hesitate to call it insomnia because I do sleep but it can get as bad as 3 hours a night until i just conk out at the end of the week -or 2 weeks- out of sheer exhaustion. Has been present since I was a teenager.)

In The Past: Recklessness and disregard for personal safety and care.

Sometimes get this physical feeling like my brain is overloaded. Often with hypervigilance or spirals where my mind races.

Stigma:

“I’m autistic” “I’m so sorry”

“I’m autistic” “And you’re sure you wanna go for that major?”

“I’m autistic” “But not that kind of autistic right?”

“I mean if you need accommodations to take a test then are you really cut out to have that kinda job?”

I consider myself a very patient person.

“She doesn’t know any better. You know she’s special” ( I was standing right there)

“I guess you don’t love anyone huh?” ( I was uh..I was nine years old)

“You’re codependent as fuck” ( that one my abuser said to me...after...making me codependent on her..yeah)

“You talk like a robot. It’s like you don’t feel anything.” ( eeemotianl detachment due to CPTSD in my teenage years)

“You’re choosing not to grow up” ( when expressing fears of develomental problems/disordered behaviour that could cause lack of maturity. I was asking for help)

“You’re a lot”

“People with your disorder tend to be a problem for other people”

“You need therapy” “I am in therapy” “Then why are you still acting like this.”

“You’re just making excuses.”

“It’s like you like to cause trouble.” ( circa 2013)

“You just wanna hurt people that��s why you’re doing this.” ( circa...most of the 2000s)

Multiple people in my family constantly make it a point ( or have in the past like..for most of my life) to tell me no one’s wanna live with someone like me ( I’m forgetful and before I figured out some ways to help it and the depression was bad uber messy)

Multiple people in my family try to discourage me from trying things because “you know you have that...thing”

And I mean..the usual constant bombardment of Autism being something you have to Fix. Of it causing people you love pain, and them never being happy because of it, of it being a defect.

People around me use autistic as an insult.

General comments about how horrible living with my mentally ill family must be ( ignoring that I’m mentally ill as well) and how my parents probably wish we weren’t disordered ( ignoring that they are also disordered) and how basically there’s no way for us to be happy.

I think at one point someone actually said to me something along the lines of “I bet your parents wish you and your siblings were born differently”

“I’m so proud you can do this incredibly easy thing that I think is all you can really do and I’m gonna talk to you in the most condescending tone about it like who’s a good lil autistic person look at you, talkin and solving basic problems and everything.” ( obvs paraphrased but thats...usually the gist)

Define Your Disorders

Autism: a developmental disorder that affects communication and behavior.

Attachment Disorder: the condition in which individuals have difficulty forming lasting relationships ( it was the only one I can find that doesn’t talk about RAD as I don’t have the criteria for that. This one’s tricky cause I don’t have the proper diagnosis for it yet, for all I know it could be part of a bigger disorder)

BPD:a mental health disorder that impacts the way you think and feel about yourself and others, causing problems functioning in everyday life. It includes a pattern of unstable intense relationships, distorted self-image, extreme emotions and impulsiveness. Symptoms include emotional instability, feelings of worthlessness, insecurity, impulsivity, and impaired social relationships.

Major Depression Disorder: Depression is a mood disorder that causes a persistent feeling of sadness and loss of interest. Also called major depressive disorder or clinical depression, it affects how you feel, think and behave and can lead to a variety of emotional and physical problems. You may have trouble doing normal day-to-day activities, and sometimes you may feel as if life isn't worth living.

General Anxiety Disorder.: Excessive anxiety and worry (apprehensive expectation), occurring more days than not for at least 6 months, about a number of events or activities (such as work or school performance).

Amnesic Disorder Due To Epilepsy :Inability to remember events for a period of time.

Myth about your disorders and the truth

Autistic people are dangerous

Autistic people are unfeeling

Autistic people are uncaring

Autistic people are all nonverbal

Autistic people are all mentally challenged. ( I ??)

Autistic people ar a burden on their families/a parent who abuse or even kills their autistic child ( which happens so much it’s an acknowledged problem) deserves sympathy.

Autistic people are brainy and mostly male.

Autism is a spectrum disorder. People exhibit different traits and while some hyperfocus on things that help them academically some hyperfocus on things that don’t or that even make their grades suffer like other interest tend to. ( my hyperfocus was fanfiction and I failed like five classes because of it) I have a friend who’s autistic and likes to party and drink and hang out with people. I have another friend who’s autistic who likes to skate and science. I’m autistic and I like neither of those things. We’re all over the place in every way even when we do share some common traits

Literally we all have people and things we care about.

Literally all of us have affectionate moments. I’m fairly physically affectionate if I’m close to/feel safe with someone.

Nonverbal and autism aren’t always correlated. Further, some autistic people go nonverbal for a bit but can speak other times.

Autism looks different in girls/afab people because we’ve been socialized differently.

Parents who kill their autistic kids are just straight up horrible people and I resent having to be told to have sympathy for them while simultaneously wishing I had “autistic” written on my forehead so I could be angry without a guilt trip and also simultaneously hoping to god I never stop passing for neurotypical because apparently the moment you show too many traits no one cares if someone hurts you or worse.

The whole “autistic people are dangerous” thing is mostly people showing videos of meltdowns which only happen under high stress and is something people use to demonize us and make us seem like burdens...and is actually why the whole “sympathy for an abusive/murderer parent of a neuroatypical” thing is fucked ten ways from Sunday. We aren’t dangerous.

I don’t...have a lot for the attachment disorder since I’m still waiting to figure out what that one’s really about and I haven’t really….met anyone else who has anything like it or shares symptoms with me.

I think off the top of my head it’s when people think it’s “cute” that you’re super clingy or go the other way and say people with attachment issues are uncaring. The first one romanticizes a behaviour that you’re trying to work on fixing/curbing and that is honestly hell. The second one is...is just as untrue as saying an autistic person is inherently uncaring ( or any mentally ill person for that matter)

I’ve also seen people say that people with any kind of attachment disorder are broken and that I feel confident enough in saying that they’re not...and I’m not.

I’ve been told people with BPD can’t be aware of their own disorder and have been denied testing due to this.

I’ve seen people say people with BPD are a problem to others.

Anxiety: I’ve seen a lot of people who think it’s fake. And also that the only way you can have anxiety if you’re rocking back and forth gasping for breath.

There’s actually multiple ways to have anxiety attacks.

Tips for those who know/love someone with same disorders/symptoms

Well, starting off with, and keeping in mind that I’m not a proffesional or expert in...literally anything ever like ever ever....

A very dear friend of mine once said “it’s a whole lot easier to be supportive than it is not to be” Let people with disorders tell you what they need, and then respect it. Open communication and making them feel safe is key...to everything. Being informed is important but at the end of the day, different people will experience things differently and what they need is really down to them. Don’t assume that reading about their disorder means you know what they need better than them. Don’t talk about how their disorder affects you. Even if you have good intentions, you’re going to make them feel bad. If you’re a parent, don’t talk to others about your child’s disorder in front of them. And if they don’t like a therapist, listen to them as to why. Don’t assume it’s just because “they’re disordered” that’s lazy parenting.

Take triggers seriously, talk to them about what symptoms they need help with, and which they’d rather process or deal with on their own. Just..show that you have that initiative, that you’re there for them. Listen. Be patient. Establish boundaries gently but firmly. If someone with my attachment disorder is ringing you a lot and you need time to yourself, let them know. Explain. Don’t go radio silent. People with autism can be bad at reading you. Again explain, be patient, but don’t just....leave them there to guess what they did wrong. C-PTSD is traumagenic in nature so I’d add to taking triggers seriously, be ready for Tragic Backstory drop behind disclosing some triggers ( and understand how much they have to trust you to disclose that.) but also be ready for “I just don’t want this in my field of vision and I don’t feel comfortable talking about it just yet.” Don’t push for details. Don’t push period.

And also just....treat em like people you know. Disordered people are still people, let them exist outside their disorders and do the things that people in that relationship that you have with them. ( whatever relationship that is) do.

How your disorder/s affect your relationships

In the past -and before I was a bit more self aware- it’s made me uber clingy. I would call friends constantly, message them a lot. Think someone was my best friend or even closer than they really were because they were nice to me. It scared people off.

On the flip side I would also convince myself people didn’t like me or I was nothing to them the moment I caught myself having strong feelings. ( which as said before would happen mcquicklike)

As one can imagine this would put a lot of pressure on new friendships. Often it would sour them, sometimes it would make people dislike me. Sometimes it’d make them unconfortable. Which as my disorder also affects how I receive rejection...was..really bad.

On the flip side of the flip side I was also incredibly ride or die and it left me open to a lot of manipulation and abuse from friends. I couldn’t be mad at them if they hurt me. I couldn’t say no to anything they said. I needed them.

My anxiety also contributes to this as I would constantly go through a checklist of how many good interactions vs “bad” or awkward interactions I had with people before I let myself feel like I was safe to call people my friends. Or even say I did okay interacting.

I had a lot of nights while I was making friends in college where I just felt like I was nothing to anyone. Like I was messing up. Looking back, it was just standard new friend interactions.

The more people mean to me, the more I’d freak out-I didn’t want to lose them. So it made it hard to even enjoy the friendship milestones I did achieve.

I’m using past tense because it’s gotten a lot better as situations that were making this 10 times worse have alleviated somewhat but there’s still seeds of it and sometimes it flares up. I’m just aware enough I can sometimes if not stop it identify it as my disorder talking. I don’t keep lists anymore but sometimes the thought pops up.

Facts About Your Disorder You Wish People Knew

I wish people knew what scripting and autistic burnout was. And that adults can have autism. And that vaccines don’t cause autism so stupid ass people didn’t risk their kid getting sick because they’re scared of my neurology.

I wish the only thing when I search about

I wish people took triggers seriously.

I wish more people knew about attachment disorders period.

I wish people knew how hard it all is sometimes.

Favorite healthy coping techniques

Plushies, pillows. Physical grounding techniques that include physical stimming. I’m very tactile when it comes to my autism and stimming so grounding techniques were Good Textures are involved help double.

For attachment disorder spirals: Watching YT animators or vloggers. Like a lot. It recently chased off my sleeping problems.

Playing with my dog.

Walking outside.

Going to the beach.

Looking at buildings. ( I don’t..I don’t know why?? It’s like a visual stim I guess? Like buildings that stand out to me due to their shape or being different than I usually see)

Basically going outside. ( to look at buildings, to look at nature, to the dog park, out in the grass in front of my building just..Outside Good, Inside Bad)

Sending fun stuff to friends/doing things for them.

I tend to get a good happy chemical surge from helping people/doing nice things for people so that’s something I really like using to my advantage. I’m looking at volunteer options.

Also cartoons and Disney Channel shows I watch a lot of those.

Cooking. I can’t understand this one either but cooking and baking sometimes even gives me more energy.

Current biggest struggles with your disorder/s

Being at home tanks my mental health. I don’t drive. So I’m home a lot.

Seeing families be happy hurts sometimes. And that’s my main confort narrative.

Seeing my friends with their families hurts sometimes. All I can think of is how much I wish I was a part of that. So I have to...not spend time with my friends.

I’m afraid to live alone.

I can’t get anything done sometimes. My train of thought has been crashing to the point that I completely lose it and I miss goals and deadlines almost every month. I need to get assignments done, build a portfolio, at least keep shrink dates, its all a hurdle lately. Even before that it’s hard for me to get stuff done when I’m home on my own ( aka when I’m supposed to be doing things) because all my brain can think is “we’re alone we’re alone we’re alone. It’s too quiet. We need to talk to someone.” According to my shrink DBT will help with this. I can’t wait.

It’s hard to see a myself having a good future sometimes. Because of how many hangups I have and how late I am in addressing them ( I’m 28) and how much there is to do.

What not to say to a person with similar/same disorder/s

“You’re making it all up”

“You should just get over it, it happened so long ago”

“You’re bringing me down stop talking about this”

“Its all in your head”

“Every one feels that way really”

Anything dismissive.

Anything from the stigma answer.

Literally any kind of pity (granted thats more a me thing due to childhood epilepsy meaning i had to deal with a lot of that. But honestly I’ll stand by it bc I’m not sure anyone really ...likes pity. )

Ways in which your disorder/s affect your daily life

I deal with executive dysfunction which makes it hard to get anything done. I feel like I’m starting over constantly. I feel like my age doesn’t match my brain. All of this augments my depression. I have to take days off in the middle of the week to just do nothing or catch up to all the stuff I haven’t done. I miss deadlines or just barely make them. I’m also a budding workaholic which I used to do to avoid dwelling on all these feelings so having to take breaks isn’t….something I’m used to or really like. I at one point handled school, work, and 2 editing jobs. I used to do martial arts, I like running, I like swimming. I’m the kind of person that needs to be on the move and lately that’s hard because spoons and energy.

Also a lot of basic self care is hard to get done because of the dysfunction mentioned above.

Things that give you hope

The fact that I’m finally getting therapy.

I guess having people I can talk to about it.

My family isn’t as bad as it was back in 2014.

I guess I know that even if I feel like I’m at a dead end, I’ll figure something out. That’s what I do. I mean that’s life, you think things are never getting better or that something’s the end of the world but really time marches onwards and so do you and you figure it out. Things fall into place. I believe life has a funny way of working out. If anything because it kinda has to, it can’t stand still yknow. I have moments of clarity where I just kinda remember that ( its not my first rodeo.in regards to hard times or Things That Happen..its not even my hardest rodeo so..if I got through that..you kinda figure you can muddle through this and see what comes next yknow) I’m oddly hopeful for the first time in a long time so, it’s p cool.

Treatment types and personal choices

I spent most of my childhood, and teenage years...and early 20s dodging therapy and help due to it being controlled by my mother and having really bad experiences with it in the past.I do regret it sometimes but I comfort myself with the fact that it was what seemed like the best decision and i didn’t have the information I now have about keeping her out of things.

After finding better insurance and getting into university I found a way to get myself a psychiatrist and am working on finding talk therapy. For the most part I tended to patch myself up a lot by finding ways to quiet the thoughts I had ( saving text messages to remind myself people dont hate me. Talking myself down. Joining social activities. That sorta home brew stuff. I’ve been soloing a lot of shit I probably shouldn’t have been until recently but hey live and learn. Also I didn’t have insurance.) As of recently I’m on an antidepresant and hopefully going into DBT. That reminds me I have to call them.

Your support system

I’ve found some really nice friends like they’ve kinda just collectively adopted me and when your disorder stems from losing family that..that’s been incredibly helpful. All my close friends are long distance but they help me. My younger sister is also there although i try to limit how much she’s privy to as she just turned 18. My brother and I tend to spend limited time together due to him having his own stuff goin on but I’d also put him there. My parents sorta count as....one supportive unit? ( they try with the best of intentions but it uh..thats..thats really all I can say about them)

Reactions from those who learn about your disorder/s

I get told I can’t possibly have them because i “look too successful” or whatever ableist rethoric they got going. When I talk about C-PTSD symptons I get side eye for “trivializing” it as they don’t believe I can have it and think I’m exaggerating anxiety symptons. When I talk about Attachment Disorders…..I often don’t because people always say something along the lines of “people with that are often too damaged and you don’t fit the bill” which..ouch.

Mostly it goes from “you don’t look like a damaged and/or psychopath crazy person” to “oh...I guess you are one” with a bit of “okay thats fine” but still anger and impatience when I show symptoms.

I don’t talk about my disorders a lot.

Future hopes and dreams

I’d like to get my attachment disorder under control as it’s the main life wrecking thing I have. After that or along with that I’d like to live somewhere where I get the social interaction I kinda need.

I wanna be happy with whatever profession I have and just..my life in general.

I hope DBT helps. Whatever it is It’s my first time even trying it.

I have a couple of personal creative goals but I don’t wanna jinx them by disclosing them ( I did mention I had anxiety)

Interactions with other people with the same disorders

I follow some peeps with BPD and also folks on the spectrum on tumblr. I don’t really have a lot of analog interaction. ( again no driving + suburbia = being cooped up A Lot) My sister and I share some disordered traits so we talk about them often and that helps a lot.

Things you want to work on/improve

The whole black and white thinking and maybe getting things done on time. I’d like to get the spirals under control too.

Work/school experience with disorder/s

Shit’s hard.

Often I don’t get the help I need and have learned to overcompensate/regulate so I can still get things done. I pretty much need to work since i don’t believe I’d qualify for disability. I get in trouble a lot for spacing out ( dissociating) and forgetting things at work. Work friendships are also slow burn if not just nonexistent due to my autism and people..not really knowing what to make of it. I’ll probably have to quit working while I study since I can’t really split focus enough to do both lately. Further, a lot of my energy needs to go into school things staying afloat and that tends to mean I can’t do things that contribute to my mental health ( i.e spending time with friends, going out, sometimes even therapy, taking breaks) as I’ve found out that sends me way back in recovery.

Free space!

Here’s a picture of my cat. She’s a demon. What it said Free Space.

Family history of mental disorders?

Mother has Bipolar disorder and depression. Sister has bipolar disorder, anxiety, depression, and eating disorders, Brother has anxiety and shows signs of ADHD, Dad has what we suspect is ADHD and possibly some disorder traits from past trauma. Used to have anger issues.

I uh..I used to call us “The Madhouse” for most of my late teens and early 20s.

Media representation of disorder/s

Attachment disorders: characters who are stalkers and so desperate for love family and acceptance they’ll do anything, even hurt people to feel it. Also often don’t have depression and can do things like learn villain skills.

Autistic traits are often cherry picked and portrayed in an unfavorable light. I think I’ve seen some rare cases of actual representation though.

How do you feel about talking about your mental health?

I don’t...like it as much as talking about mental health in general. Most of my life is...me running away from trauma and trying to reclaim a life outside of it. It’s what I did with my epilepsy of course that one was easier because the seizures went away.

Talking about it feels like going back. I wanna just move on with it. But I’ve reluctantly come around to see that talking about it is a way to move on. And I mean its not like dodging it’s worked out that well for me so.

The true face of mental illness (Selfie if you’re comfortable with it)

Aww yiiss. Selfies.

#mental health #mental illness #mental health awareness #mental health awareness 2018 #mental health awareness 2019 #mha2018 #well..2019 but thats what they said to tag it #depression cw #anxiety cw #self harm cw #suicidal feelings cw #ableism #abuse mention #fillicide mention #uuuh I think that covers it #here goes

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autisticheadcanons · 6 years

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kylo ren star wars though:

(i use she/her in the post bc World's Biggest Headcanon of her as a trans woman)

- many many people have pointed out the helmet and Yeah

- as a child had a lack of ability to distinguish between different peoples' thought processes and motivations, there's a name for this but i forget it. snoke was able to use this to easily manipulate a few bad experiences with adults into literally everyone is out to get you

- had some bad experiences with special ed programs also as a small child, only fuelling the everyone is out to get you mindset, making her extremely distrustful of authority and driving her to the voice in her head as the only one she could trust

(not that special ed programs are universally bad but i base this off of/use this to deal with some of the shit i've seen)

- special interests she was worried about sharing or having people find out about for how they would react, like weaponry, medical effects of violence, war history, the dark side, and ofc anakin/vader. probably had a couple bad reactions to her focusing on violence, even just worry about what that meant, and after that that was It for sharing literally anything

- as a result of these and also being different in multiple ways she can't place, growing up feeling extremely isolated

- so much dissociation. bad things happen, people try to get at her, she just shuts down. leans back on snoke's voice in her head.

- scripting! not necessarily the words themselves but sentence structure. "that lightsaber, it belongs to me" "the map, you've seen it" etc

- couldn't deal with her family's expectations of her so went into burnout, after running away to snoke eventually couldn't deal with what he was doing to her either and so has been slowly burning out for like the past year at least

- pain as a stim, uses it to ground herself & focus

- other stims: twirling or tossing her hair, twirling her lightsaber, hitting herself/the walls (for purposes of the motion rather than to cause pain), biting herself (the same, she specifically does this when she's nervous), listening to hard rock/heavy metal, dancing aggressively, practicing the same lightsaber drills repeatedly (she has a specific few she favours), chewing on her hair, rocking, flapping

- does The Hand Thing a lot (yknow, The Hand Thing? where you put your little paws up like you're a dinosaur or are going nyah?)

- feels self conscious about all of this and won't let anyone see her do it willingly besides snoke. still feels self conscious about it with snoke but that can't be helped

- a lot of people see her break down anyway bc she's held together with bile & spare bits of wire and loses all self control at the slightest provocation. she also starts stimming subconsciously when nervous

- is in bodily pain sometimes if she doesn't stim when she needs to. snoke taught her to funnel this into the dark side of the force but she doesn't like it, not like she likes pain stimming

- weird combo of hyperempathy and low empathy. that and extreme black and white thinking (she also has bpd which doesn't help) lead to the whole "i'm being torn apart." knows what she's doing is wrong, can't deal with what she's doing being wrong because snoke says what they're doing is right and snoke is Always Right. leans into low empathy whenever possible like a Good Ruthless Killer but any time she allows herself empathy it instantly collapses into extreme hyperempathy (see: rey)

- also as a result of this tends to hyperempathise with objects bc she has nowhere else to put it. she named all the appliances in her apartment. she has a roomba with a knife taped to it named darth stabby

- basically shoved a whole bunch of her natural inclinations down a hole for the purpose of being what snoke wanted. if she ever redeems herself she's going to have a Lot of recovering to do

- never lies spontaneously, only can if she's predetermined that she's going to and planned it

- lightsaber is comfort object. it's nice and heavy and she made it and it's Like Her

- is very bad at holding conversations that are not extremely extra because that's all she's learned how to do: intimidate people, snark, have breakdowns, and report to snoke

- is so intense literally all of the time

- can't identify sarcasm at all, but has gotten very good at guessing

- her favourite foods are ranch dressing and cake fondant. she likes the flavour and texture respectively

- other Good Textures: leather, soft stuff, plastics (she likes petting them), cool water (especially rain & showers)

- it has taken her a long, long time to think to question the way things are in her life, or to realise things can ever get better.

- after snoke's death she feels almost more haunted by his absence than his presence. she was so used to it, so used to having someone watching her at all times, so used to this painful dead weight in the back of her mind. it's eerie for her. she doesn't like that it's eerie for her. she doesn't like that part of her wants it back. but it's so empty in her head.

- she was holding herself together on wanting to please snoke, and now that that rudder is gone, she's going off the rails. she's going to crash and burn. she doesn't know how to recover, because she still interprets her family and the resistance/new republic as the people who hurt her, so she doesn't really have anyone to go to, anywhere to go, and she doesn't know how to do it on her own. the lynchpin of the contradictory life she built higher and higher for herself is gone by her own hand and now it's all crashed down around her ears. she might be able to pick up the pieces and actually figure out something for herself, but not in this environment

- though she does have the knights of ren (who are also all autistic) and who snoke kept from her having too close a bond with on purpose so she wouldn't start relying on people who weren't him. but she does have them, now. she's not completely alone.

- she could probably use a therapy dog and definitely not running the galaxy

- this post got away from me but wow i love her a lot

#actuallyautistic #autistic headcanon #kylo ren #star wars #trans headcanon #submission

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neurodivergentchaosking · 3 years

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Loving someone with NPD

It fucking sucks! I have bpd and if i was completely untreated, i would have been narcissist chow...more than i already was.

I have pretty decent intuition but it took a long time for me to actually follow it. I met (lets call her Mary) before i listened to it and created a huge blindspot that took me 6 years to fix.

We both arrived on Okinawa Island 24 hours a part, we shared a name and a birthday ( naturally my dumb ass was like OMG SOULMATE- after i stopped hating her). when i first met her, i hated her. I knew she was two-faced and i said so to her face. Few drunken weekends set that unfortunate Trauma bond in place.

I felt so special. She's two-faced and cruel to everyone but ME. my BPD ate that shit up. she even told me that she thought i was the category of “bimbo friend” until she got to know me.....and i actually took that as a compliment and mentally lorded it over her bimbo friends. it was a disaster. love-bomb, cruelty, rinse, repeat.

We were just friends at first, she thought she was straight, and i thought i was a girl- neither are true. We kissed once in a drunken haze and it was absolutely terrible, so it really never happened again. you know justgirlythings.

I was quite notorious (just because im built like a coke bottle and was put into the marine barracks and you know how boot lickers be) on the island because the Navy is just high-school 2.0. Mary never had my back through it all, she stayed friends with the people who started it and she ditched me all the time at her convenience . I was only on the island for 6 months, and right when i almost cut things off with Mary, i left on an expedited transfer (another tragic story for another tragic time). We stayed in contact via snapchat but honestly we didnt talk much.

Her bf was a bit of a loser and she was planning to leave him while planning their life together...look at that, another red flag that i took as a compliment because she left him for ME. fuck im so needy #narcissistchow.

I made a joke about her living with me, and she just went full throttle with that shit. So we got an apartment together, twas the beginning of the end and i fucking KNEW IT. i felt it in my gut and i remember thinking...but she’s so mean sometimes... like whyyyyyy dont i just listen to me???? ug anyways

Right before we got the apartment she released my cat into the urban wilderness and he was GONE, presumed dead. Quinn, my beautiful fur-baby, a 13 lb maincoone, fucking HATED HER, and he only hated dicks. so yeah she got rid of him and blamed it on my husband (my life is complex okay). we were obviously not doing great and i didn't think about it too hard until later (even though he has never left the door open, like ever).

It started out so much fun! the adventures and stories that we created together were amazing. she made me feel like it would be like this forever. Bit short-lived. she would insult, demean, and play fucked up mind games. Luckily for me she didn't get to feed of my pain the way she wanted because i don't exibxit vulnerable emotions (working on that), despite them eating away at me.

Her toxicity mirrored the way i was treated as a child, so i did what i did as a child. i shut down. I stopped therapy because i was masking too hard for it be helpful. i stopped my medications because idk if they're working because I'm so disconnected. My ocd tendencies that i got rid of as a child came back. Im never not high on MJ (still am because i don't want to FEEL)

And you know why i stayed? because she made me feel special, and wanted, and even more so needed. She is so fucking insecure and i was a constant source of validation and love. we had conversations and conversations about how we were meant for one another and the future we would create together. We even talked about the children we would raise together. we talked about how it was weird that we didn't want to fuck each-other (she looks like an incest muppet lmao) but we were in a beautiful (toxic*) polyamorous asexual relationship.

i was def not perfect in the relationship. i would do so much petty shit (like i did as a child). she would make me feel shitty about something, so i would show off one of my many talents that also was one of her many insecurities. hell, i would fuck up her hair ON PURPOSE. She had this insanely long blue hair that ended in a short red Karen cut lmao i am such a fucking asshole lmao. no regerts

but like also lets not forget the times she literally threatened to murder me....just saying. i may have been a dick, but she DESERVED it.

She kept treating me like shit and i did the non-traditional BPD thing and started setting boundaries for myself. like when she starts being a jerk, just walk away. just leave. also make her jelly with something to feel better lol.obvi that made her MEANER. so i took her out to eat and told her that she was treating me like absolute shit and it needed to sop...she starts bawling...making up shit about how her anxiety this and that and she's not gonna stop being a cunt so shel just move out.

idk why i even tried after that lunch but like whatever. i even sold her my car at a discount price - but now she has the perma reminder lol. i tried. she kept changing the date of her leaving, she just got meaner, and what FINALLY made things click. was she started ditching me and lying about it ( i may have tested it out and made her confess to it without her knowing- she is incredibly stupid). that was the one thing. the one thing i told myself if someone does that to me again, im done. so heyyy at least i stuck to my boundary even though i almost talked myself out of it. so i simply stopped talking to her. for WEEKS. she tried to start conversation, i ended them. she insulted me and i would flip it on her. i was DONE and she knew it. so our 6 year relationship literally ended by me in person ghosting her.

Finally the lease was up and that kinda forced her stupid ass into moving, however. she like half left and half left her stuff. but she left ferret shit fucking everywhere. on the deck, in the closet, smooshed into carpet, random bits of poo strewn about the room. shes fucking Nasty. i cleaned up the ferret poops with her clothes that was left behing...and i rubbed it on EVERYTHING including her dishes. i broke a couple items (some on accident even). stole a bunch of stuff...even a dead mans gift...yeah im PETTY... but i stacked all of her shit at the enterence of the apartment.

Time for pickup! she allotted herself 1.5 hours to pack everything and go to her new apartment that is 45 plus mins away. she comes in- overly exaggerates on thanking me for stacking her shit by the entrance. i immediately ask for the keys ...says okay but then “got distracted”, we did that 3 times till she finally gave me the keys... then i told her about the ferret poo and she claimed that she was gonna clean it today...BITCH IT TOOK ME OVER 3 HOURS FOR THE POOP CLEANUP ALONE...so yeah fuck her.

later that day i hang out with my new friend, lets call her Anna, who is on Marys snapchat- while Mary was putting her stuff in storage (something she swore shed never do) she was saying how pissed she is and how horribly i am for stacking her shit at the entrance. glad to see she's as two-faced as ever.

POST BREAKUP DRAMA:

1) she tried to get rid of everything i gave her but she cant unbuy my car lmao.

2) she got stranded in Texas because she ran out of gas....even though the car tells you how many miles it has before it runs out...like i said, she incredibly stupid

3) she tried to slither in my life by sending a pic via snap to Anna and then said “oops my finger slipped” ummm its snapchat and thats not how it works stupid ( and this is one of her go to ploys so like lol why?) it was also a pic of a boot that she gave me but its ugly so i gave it back. idk what her whole plan was but it backfire because Anna just blocked her.

4) Quinn came back <3

5) i am obsessed and cant seem to stop stalking her so now imma try just being crazy in blog form to see if my needy bpd self can CHILL. cuz ug i just want to stab her...like 37 times...in the face (it would be an improvement)

#long reads #long story #abuse #narccisistabuse #bpd #npd #neurodivergent love #queer #lgbtqia #petty #younglove #mental illness #chaos #crazy

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bloodhonnie · 3 years

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I know you’re not an expert or anything but was wondering if you had an opinion on this.. I have BPD and my dad has classic NPD traits. So I’ve suffered emotional abuse due to him which has probs caused the BPD. I view him more as his own person who his own unprocessed trauma and his behaviours are not about me. My friend thinks her grandma has NPD and called it a “dangerous dangerous.” Do you think there’s a line between NPD being dangerous but also us offering some compassion?abuse is hard idk

Before I start this I wanna mention I have a BA in Psychology. I’m in no way an expert but I have taken classes and that’s what’s on my college diploma. That being said a lot of the stuff in textbooks and what’s taught in fundemental classes isn’t always accurate. I’m going to be speaking from my personal experience and I am in no way saying that things are as I say they are. Think for yourself and maybe use what I say as a tentative basis to do your own research. You can read studies for free on scihub after using Google/Google scholar to find research articles. With all that being said this is what I personally think given the context and experiences I’ve had:

Not eveyone with NPD is gonna be an abuser just like how not eveyone with BPD is someone who was abused.

Let me frame it this way. We as people with BPD know that BPD doesn’t control us and that we’re still accountable for our actions. The same goes with people who have NPD.

Before I continue to address this question (cause I don’t wanna forget)

Do not diagnose other people in an effort to explain their behavior.

Alright so NPD is severely misrepresented the same way BPD is. It’s important to engage with the words, diagnosis, etc... that we interact with daily. Let’s see what the DSM5 has to say about NPD yeah?

“In the American Psychiatric Association’s Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition (DSM-5), [1] NPD is defined as comprising a pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), a constant need for admiration, and a lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by the presence of at least 5 of the following 9 criteria:

A grandiose sense of self-importance

A preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love

A belief that he or she is special and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people or institutions

A need for excessive admiration

A sense of entitlement

Interpersonally exploitive behavior

A lack of empathy

Envy of others or a belief that others are envious of him or her

A demonstration of arrogant and haughty behaviors or attitudes”

Source: DSM-V via Medscape.com

(I would’ve actually gone into the dsm 5 and gotten a screenshot but my laptop is broken sorry)

NYU has a chart (that is in the dsm5) let’s take a look at that too

“ Narcissistic Personality Disorder DSM-IV Criteria

Narcissistic Personality Disorder

A. A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

Significant impairments in personality functioning manifest by: 1. Impairments in self functioning (a or b):

1. Has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements).

a. Identity: Excessive reference to others for self-definition and self-esteem regulation; exaggerated self-appraisal may be inflated or deflated, or vacillate between extremes; emotional regulation mirrors fluctuations in self-esteem.

2. Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love.

b. Self-direction: Goal-setting is based on gaining approval from others; personal standards are unreasonably high in order to see oneself as exceptional, or too low based on a sense of entitlement; often unaware of own motivations.

3. Believes that he or she is “special” and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high- status people (or institutions).

AND

4. Requires excessive admiration.

2. Impairments in interpersonal functioning (a or b):

a. Empathy: Impaired ability to recognize or identify with the

5. Has a sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations.

feelings and needs of others; excessively attuned to reactions of others, but only if perceived as relevant to self; over- or underestimate of own effect on others.

6. Is interpersonally exploitative, i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends.

b. Intimacy: Relationships largely superficial and exist to serve self-esteem regulation; mutuality constrained by little genuine interest in others‟ experiences and predominance of a need for personal gain

7. Lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others.

Pathological personality traits in the following domain: 1. Antagonism, characterized by:

DSM-IV and DSM-5 Criteria for the Personality Disorders

trauma).

DSM-5 Criteria - Revised June 2011

The essential features of a personality disorder are impairments in personality (self and interpersonal) functioning and the presence of pathological personality traits. To diagnose narcissistic personality disorder, the following criteria must be met:

a. Grandiosity: Feelings of entitlement, either overt or covert;

8. Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her.

self-centeredness; firmly holding to the belief that one is better than others; condescending toward others.

9. Shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes.

b. Attention seeking: Excessive attempts to attract and be the focus of the attention of others; admiration seeking.

Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder DSM-IV Criteria

Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder

A. A pervasive pattern of preoccupation with orderliness, perfectionism, and mental and interpersonal control, at the expense of flexibility, openness, and efficiency, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by four (or more) of the

Significant impairments in personality functioning manifest by:

DSM-IV and DSM-5 Criteria for the Personality Disorders

The impairments in personality functioning and the individual‟s personality trait expression are relatively stable across time and consistent across situations.

The impairments in personality functioning and the individual‟s personality trait expression are not better understood as normative for the individual‟s developmental stage or socio-cultural environment.

The impairments in personality functioning and the individual‟s personality trait expression are not solely due to the direct physiological effects of a substance (e.g., a drug of abuse, medication) or a general medical condition (e.g., severe head trauma).

DSM-5 Criteria - Revised June 2011

The essential features of a personality disorder are impairments in personality (self and interpersonal) functioning and the presence of pathological personality traits. To diagnose obsessive-compulsive personality disorder, the following criteria must be met:

Impairments in self functioning (a or b):

a. Identity: Sense of self derived predominantly from work or

productivity; constricted experience and expression of”

Source: NYU.edu

Are you starting to see how more context gives people humanity? People are misrepresenting and misusing the word narssasitic. It has a clinical significance that is different from the colloquial significance. Another word that might tie it all together that is misused in the same type of way is intersectionality. Colloquially intersectionality is a term used to describe the intersections of all minority identities. In reality intersectionality is a race theory that was coined by Kimberle Crenshaw to explain the intersections of race and gender in reference to black women. Crenshaw later expanded that to include the intersections of race (excluding whiteness), gender, and queerness. Without the context of intersectionality as a race theory intersectionality is being misused and misrepresented. I hope that was a good enough example.

Before I move on let’s recap what I’ve discussed so far as to spare any confusion.

1) people with personality disorders are responsible for their actions.

2) BPD is not exclusively tied to abuse. (I can go into this in a different post if you’re interested).

3) We do not try to diagnose other people.

4) Personality disorders are often misrepresented.

5) We learned the 9 criteria for the diagnosis of NPD in the DSM-V (2018).

6) We learned context is important to understanding misused terms. (I.e what the criteria for NPD actually manifests as). (NYU chart)

7) The example of intersectionality and how it is also a colloquially misused term.

Im gonna end on two separate points.

The first point is that personality disorders are under constant scrutiny due to how similar symptoms are. There is actually talk of removing BPD in the next volume (not addendum) of the DSM. Knowing that I can mention how NPD was removed in 2013 but was later added back in.

My second point is that it’s important to educate yourself as much as you can and to not think that people are abuusive because of a mental illness. People are responsible for their own actions. If someone is abusive they’re abusive. Sometimes there are no explanations.

#bpd #personal #borderline personality disorder #ask #answer #answered

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