#but ive been dealing with dads death and everything around it
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spacerist > taunyatta
#NEW GAMERTAG NEW ME#sorry for the long afk#but ive been dealing with dads death and everything around it#since im legally responsible for everything#and also autism diagnosis
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My King Will Be Kind Chapter 7 / Kendall Roy x OC
an: YALL ITS BEEN A MIN! my bad!!! ive just been doing my thang and honestly fell out of love with this story for a sec. i had to rewatch some episodes of s4 to get myself back into it and here we are! this chapter is a bit of a filler, as next chapter is going to be Living Plus which should be a shitshow lmao. PLEASE enjoy and lmk what u think! i love getting your messages it literally makes my day!
tw: mentions of death, cursing
Even when the first season of Delirium came out and was trending on every platform, Stella was still flying mostly under the radar. Sure, she had her fans, but the hype around her was nothing like it was now.
Stella had given up on Twitter, as the reactions to her and Kendall were not so great. People either had no fucking idea who she was or were completely disappointed in her choice in men.
im not gonna lie idk who tf stella allen is
Stella...girl...kendall roy...?
E! News even did a segment on her a few nights ago.
"Who is Kendall Roy's new girlfriend?" The peppy anchor said. "Well I've got you covered, folks!"
Some of Stella's scenes from Delirium flashed across the screen. They even had a blurry pap picture from the wedding to complete the package.
After the segment, her mother called her, almost in tears.
"Stelly, baby, what have you gotten yourself into?" She asked.
"Everything's fine, Mom, please don't worry."
"I don't want you involved with that family. Your dad hated ATN, remember? And that guy...how old is he?"
She cringed. "I know, I know."
"I thought you liked that boy from the movie?" Her mother mentioned.
"You mean Damien?" Damien was a costar who she went on two dates with over a year ago. she knew her mom wanted the best for her, but that had been over.
"He was such a nice boy. Why don't you call him?"
"He broke up with me, remember?"
"Oh." She thought for a moment. "What about--"
"I like Kendall, Mom."
"Really, babes?"
"Yeah..." Stella paused. "I mean, he's actually a really good guy."
"I'm sure he is, but doesn't he have kids? Doesn't he have an addiction problem? Are you really ready to deal with all that?"
"He's clean now, he told me."
"Isn't that what every addict says?"
"He barely has time to use, Mom, he's so busy."
"How does he make time for you, then?"
Stella thought for a moment. To be honest, she didn't know how to answer her mother's question. Things were hectic, to say the least, for the Roy's right now.
As she sat in her apartment, scrolling through Twitter and defending herself against her mother, Kendall was at his father's wake. He had invited her to go with him, but warned that all of his family and company would be there.
"It's gonna be a fucking fuckfest." He had told her.
Though meeting Shiv was definitely on her radar, Stella couldn't bring herself to go. It wasn't even really a wake, it was more like a business meeting in a dead man's penthouse. There wasn't a place for her there, and she didn't want one. Kendall didn't seem disappointed, as there were other things on his mind. Neither of them wanted to be questioned by his family when there were important decisions to be made.
"It's going to be tough, Mom, but I like him. It'll be okay."
----------------------------------
It was later that night when Kendall appeared on Stella' doorstep again. They had been texting every day, but with Logan dying, Kendall and his siblings were busy. It almost felt like things were back to normal, if it weren't for the thousands of tweets about their relationship. She thought that Logan's death would have surpassed them in the news, but it only intensified the spotlight on her and Kendall.
Again, it was late at night when Kendall called her, saying he was at the front door. This time Stella was more prepared, as she was still up doing work. Still, she was eating cold pizza out of the box and wearing a big t-shirt and shorts when he called.
"You need to stop doing this." She teased, opening the door for him.
He was quiet as he stepped into the threshold of her tiny apartment. For once, he had nothing to say to her as he entered.
"What's up? How was the wake?" She ran her hands down his arms, genuinely concerned about his mood.
"It's--" He started. "It's me."
"What do you mean, baby?"
"It's me. I'm...I'm CEO. Me and Rome, we're gonna do it but it's me, mostly."
Stella's jaw dropped. Sure, she was used to having Kendall as COO of WayStar, but CEO? This was on a whole different level.
"You're what?"
"I'm the fucking CEO." He said, looking at her, his hazel eyes brimming with tears.
"You're the fucking CEO."
"Yeah."
Stella threw her arms around him. Though it was a bit of a shock, she knew that CEO was Kendall's dream. He worked his entire life to be in this position and he was finally getting to it. He returned the hug, picking her up.
"H-how did this even happen?"
"Dad wrote it down. Before he died. The board still has to decide, and the GoJo deal is still there, but for now, yeah, I'm it."
"Oh my God. That's insane."
"I know. Fuck."
"What have you done to celebrate?" She asked.
"Well, I just got out of the wake." He sat down on her couch. "I came right here."
Stella's heart soared. It made her incredibly happy that Kendall wanted to share this news with her first. She sat down next to him, trying to ignore the pizza crusts on the table next to them.
"Well what do you want to do?" She genuinely meant it, not in a sexual way.
"Honestly, I just really need to sleep. I, uh, have to be in the office tomorrow at eight."
"Oh, shit, okay."
"It's okay. I wanted to see you before the shit show starts tomorrow."
"Well, you're welcome to stay as long as you want, but I don't want to keep you."
"No, no." He pulled her into him. "You're stuck with me."
"In that case..." She kissed him softly. "Do you wanna smoke some weed?" Stella nodded towards the pipe on her endtable. There was a half-smoked bowl inside already.
Kendall smiled, "I think you read my mind, pretty girl."
She laughed, trying to reach the pipe while still in his grasp. Her hands reached the bowl and Kendall magically produced a lighter.
They sat across from each other on the couch, Stella handing the pipe to Kendall.
"You first, Mr. CEO." She giggled when a giant smile spread across his face.
He thanked her, taking the bowl and lighting it.
"Wait," Kendall said. "Won't this set off the alarm?"
"Oh, they're broken, don't worry." Stella laughed.
He nodded, lighting the pipe and inhaling.
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After twenty minutes and a few too many puffs later, Stella was curled into Kendall's arms on her tiny couch.
"The wedding was nice, you know." She whispered into the cold morning air.
"I'm sure it was. Con planned the whole thing."
"It was beautiful. Even the loony cake."
Kendall chuckled. "I'm glad you stayed. It says a lot about you."
"I love family. And I love weddings."
"You want a big wedding, Stella girl?" He said, weed clouding their minds.
"Yeah." She said, eyes glazed over. "I want a huge ring too. You think you can do that, Ken?"
"Definitely." He smiled, secretly promising to himself that he would actually, one day, make that happen.
"Not a boat though. Kinda tacky."
"Anything you want, Stell."
"Think you can get both of our families to get along?"
"That, I'm not so sure about."
She was quiet for a second. As much as talking about weddings was fun, it just reminded her of her father. Who would walk her down the aisle? Who would she dance with at her first dance?
"What's on your mind?"
"Nothing, I--" She started, "I miss my Dad."
"Me too." Kendall said.
She immediately felt bad for even thinking about her own grief. Kendall's wound was still fresh while Stella had grieved over a year ago.
"What happened to him?"
"He, um, went to sleep one night and didn't wake up." Hot tears pricked at her eyes. "My mom woke up next to his body. It was like, the worst thing ever."
"I'm sorry."
"No, I'm sorry. I shouldn't be talking about it right now. You're like, grieving your own loss."
"My Dad was a piece of shit." Kendall laughed. "But he was still my Dad."
"I know baby." She looked up at him, both holding back tears. "I know."
He kissed her softly. All she could see in the dark room was his face.
"I think I love you." Kendall said, like it was the easiest thing in the world.
"What?" Stella sat up. She was not expecting to hear those words.
"Sorry, uh--" Kendall stuttered, and for once, he didn't really know what to say.
"You love me?"
"Yeah. I fucking do." They sat across from each other on the couch again, Stella frowning to herself.
She had no fucking idea what to say, but she knew one thing. "I love you too, Ken." Stella mirrored the goofy smile plastered on his face.
"I fucking love you, Stella girl." He kissed her face all over, pushing her down on the couch. "Let me make you mine."
She hummed as his lips traveled down her neck. "I'm yours, Kendall." Stella giggled as his cold hands reached under her shirt.
"As much as I'd like to fuck you, I really have to get some rest." He whispered, putting his head on her collarbone.
Stella nodded, knowing tomorrow was just first day as CEO and staying up late wasn't exactly the best idea. "Do you wanna stay?"
Kendall's face lit up. He nodded eagerly.
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Stella was awoken the next morning by her dog growling and barking from the kitchen. He probably wanted to be taken out. She rubbed her eyes, realizing that there was barely any light coming from the curtains. It had to be four in the morning. She rolled over, expecting to find Kendall, but he was nowhere to be found.
"Ken?"
"In here!" His voice boomed from the kitchen.
Stella reluctantly got out of bed, walking to the kitchen and seeing possibly the funniest thing she had ever seen.
Kendall was sitting criss-cross on the counter, hiding away from her dog. Stella couldn't help but laugh. Her dog was less than 15 pounds and was all bark and no bite. Of course, Kendall didn't know that and probably had never been around dogs in his life.
"Ken, oh my God." She giggled, taking a picture of his scared state on top of the counter.
"He was barking at me!"
"He's a chihuahua, Kendall." Stella said as she scooped up the little dog.
"Last time I checked, chihuahuas were mean."
"Okay, true. But Kurt is a sweetie, right baby?" She kissed the dog on the forehead. "Don't be mean to mommy's friend."
"Friend?" Kendall pretended to be hurt.
"Sorry. Don't be mean to mommy's boyfriend."
Kendall got down from the counter where Stella noticed he had been trying to make coffee with her old ass coffee maker.
"Oh, God, you didn't try to make coffee, did you?"
Kendall looked at her sheepishly. "When did you get this fucking thing? 1998?"
"When I was two years old? No."
"Jesus, you're a baby." He smiled at her. The age-gap thing was kind of weird for her still, as she had never dated someone as old as Kendall.
"And you're fucking old." She said, rummaging around to make coffee for him. "This coffee isn't great, sorry."
"It's okay. I'll have Fikret get me some. He's on his way."
Stella frowned, not ready to let Kendall leave their little bubble yet. "I'm so excited for you, Mr. CEO." She wrapped her arms around his neck. "You're gonna kill it."
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Cerenysus:
We begin in the Autumn Ring, with Irina’s mind poisoned by the corruption on the ritual by her sister, Heradecia.
She summons living spells and tries to turn Fia into a book. Fia finally uses the time stop scroll and uses it to buff herself to hell. Zirk invisibly fires from behind Irina. Hank stays consistent. Heradecia teleports out.
We then find the Hexbuds, approaching the scorched grove where they can find her surrogate mother. They share an intense closed-loop hug, and turn to face her. Jabari stays back. Tarragon gets close. Corbeaux gets trapped by bony hands. They move around the space, taking damage for each other and attempting to stop her spells. 3 soldiers, capable of fighting like 300. The Hexblood Centurions.
Back in Autumn, Hank goes down because he’s the only one visible. Irina strikes while he’s down, taking a death save. And, as @theatricuddles sent me in an ask, Fia only turns to strike Irina after that moment.
After many rounds of battle, Irina is finally unconscious, thanks to a soft finish by Fia. She is held in Fia’s arms, as Zirk prepares to take off the crown. Fia says, "Foolish tenderness, but I'm going to cast Sanctuary on Irina". (thanks to @theatricuddles for the quote reminder). In the words of Murph, “we’re leaving it up to a Caldwell roll.” No one stays sitting in the two-dio. Zirk comes close. Makes a deal with a winter fairy. Fails again. Dies. At some point, Lou Wilson stands up from the table and puts his head against a closet.
Jabari is put under a banishment spell, and Tarragon and Corbeaux have a difficult time taking her on just the two of them. Jabari realizes he’s in a bad place when the toads are wet, and works hard to get himself out.
Henry is given a chance to get the crown. Fia tells him not to. She sees what protecting Irina has cost her and cannot let it continue. “You were my dream for so fucking long and I. I’m going to miss you so much.” Henry refuses. He takes the risk. He gets the crown. Zirk is revivified by Fia. Irina, back in control of herself, teleports them to her sister.
Hank gets some hits on Heradecia. Corbeaux nearly goes down, and is saved by Tarragon’s Death Ward. Jabari screamed “let’s kill her” upon his return, and is able to do just that, trisecting her.
The Hexbuds return to Outerborough. Jabari becomes Chancellor. The Hexbloods become his cabinet. They have a ritual to atone their mother.
The Third Mates assign Bukvar to sort the souls and make sure no one gets stuck waiting, as souls had been for years. Hank gets his divorce. Zirk works harder on the all-cure. They get their boat, and head to sea. Irina and Fia make it official.
One Big Bed:
The beginning is so soft and beautiful. Carrying Balnor back to the ship to rest after the Raise Dead. Budler framing Hardwon’s tasteful nude drawings and hanging them in the captain’s quarters. Lucanus putting the bubble back up around Gladeholm, and Moonshine sniffing out his magic. Moonshine making sure to help people because she doesn’t know how else to deal with everything. The apology tour by everyone who had attacked the Boobs while they were corrupted. Cobb’s apology.
Bev’s dad using Balnor as a speakerphone in the night to talk to Bev and bless his sword so he could smite with necrotic damage. Bev IV also taking time to heal Balnor while he was in there, making sure the resurrection aftermath was smoother for him. Calling Balnor Bev’s stepdad.
Moonshine and Meemaw heading back to the Crick. Seeing it can be beautiful even in the aftermath of a cataclysm. Finding the bullywugs in the GrandMaw Tree. “How long do half-elves live?” and the whole conversation that follows. “I guess, if I’m being honest, I just don’t know what it’s gonna be like to know Bahumia without Hardwon Surefoot. And there’s a part of me that doesn’t want to find out what that feels like.” Meemaw telling Moonshine to go catch nannerflies so she could zealous trance, allowing her to get a brief moment of childhood.
Jaina and Nerman trying to kidnap Hardwon for a party, and Hardwon resisting them too hard. McGannis naming him king for a day, and giving him a traditional dwarven send-off.
The Green Teens insisting on a jamboreen in a year. Deciding to go prank Denny. Failing horribly. The bullywug scuba suits as disguises. Nearly killing Denny by throwing him out a window.
Moonshine casting animal shapes on the whole party. All the dwarves wanting to be ducks. Jaina approaching Hardwon to make sure it was cool if she romanced Moonshine. The very suspicious way he said nothing was going on between them. “That’s one of the reasons why I fucking worship her”. Finally getting to have a moment himself with a suspiciously recognizable dwarf.
Luna finding Bev when she thought he was in trouble. Noting that Hardwon and Moonshine were “busy”. “Are they in danger?!?” “How old are you?”. Finding out where Thiala is headed.
Ending the night, all together again, in One Big Bed.
Moonshine waking up to cast spells on everyone. The send off they all tried to avoid. The smiles fading as soon as they were out of sight from the general population. Ready for war.
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Winchester's Folly
Summary: When Dean gets into trouble John decides to hide the truth for his family
Word Count: 1143
Warnings: A/B/O, subjugation, pandemic, mentions of nudity, leering, mention of collaring/leashed, rut/heat, physical altercation, murder conviction, parental dominance
*Additional warnings will be added
*Dark! Fic-don't continue if you are disturbed by the subject matter.
*Square filled: @spnabobingo -Rut Suppressant @spnaubingo -Sub!Dean @anyfandomdarkbingo - Voyeurism
A/N: Each part follows in sequence
*Divider by @firefly-graphics
*No Beta-all mistakes are mine
Part I
Five weeks ago
Dean Winchester had been arrested.
Their dad grew tired of Sam’s constant complaining about finishing up his junior year in one place and had left his sons in this backwater town.
Several more weeks passed and it was obvious their dad wasn’t coming back anytime soon, the little money they had began to run out and when he couldn’t hustle pool anymore, Dean took a job at a local garage.
It wasn’t long after another problem arose.
Dean ran out of rut suppressants and was stuck in one of the few states that required a prescription. He tried obtaining them through less than-legal channels but began feeling the restlessness simmering underneath his skin; it was too late.
Out of options he made sure his brother had everything required for a few days, went looking for something to sink his knot into, and found himself chatting up a Beta at the only local bar until their irate Alpha came looking for them.
By night's end, Dean found himself with an IV in one arm and the other handcuffed to a bed in the hospital after a rut-induced fight with their Alpha.
When the local sheriff showed the ER doctor told him the Alpha was DOA and the cause of death was exsanguination from canine perforation of the carotid artery.
Sam was unable to reach their dad, and in a panic called Bobby Singer. They’d been forbidden to make contact after his sires fell out with the grumpy hunter the young Alphas' words spilled out a jumble of profuse apologies and explanations.
Bobby felt his temper flare, he’d always considered the brothers like his own kids, and hearing Dean was headed for jail and Sam in CPS custody wanted another shot at the elder Winchester with something stronger than rock salt. Reassuring Sam he’d be there by nightfall pulled out his hunters' contacts and started dialing, putting out John's last known location.
Bobby’s first stop was at CPS. He presented the faked documentation verifying he was their blood uncle then took him to the police station to find out what was happening with Dean.
At the station Bobby flashed his law enforcement credentials to the officer in charge whose response was information would be only released when his Alpha arrived, wasn’t allowed any visitors except the public defender assigned but slipped that Dean what he was being charged with.
Unable to do anything else and unwilling to sit around the rental where the brothers were staying to wait for the Alpha, Sam had Bobby take him to the local library to research the state’s laws pertaining to his brother's case.
Two days later John rolled into town and went directly to the station where he was informed of the situation and then allowed a brief visit with his son.
John entered the interrogation room and saw Dean seated wrists and ankles shackled and tethered to the table, the reddish cast in his eyes that'd begun when Caleb found him, fully turning his irises red.
Out of all the shit he’d done over the years this proved what he always thought; Dean was a worthless fuck-up and offspring or not, he no longer wanted to deal with.
Dean suddenly found himself airborne, legs flailing, and kicked over the chair he’d been sitting in before being slammed face-first on the table, trapped, at the mercy of his sire who he knew was going to kill him.
His final thoughts were only about one person, flashing back to the night baby Sammy was placed in his arms and his dad ordered; take your brother outside as fast as you can and don’t look back he was Dean's responsibility to protect and care for. As he lost consciousness the door burst open and three deputies drew their tasers shocking the incensed Alpha.
Sam maneuvered around the chaos and sank to his knees next to Dean lying on the floor, gasping air between his bluish lips and a thick band of purplish discoloration around his neck felt the dark and angry thing that lived under his skin flare up, slithering through his veins felt his canines elongating releases a bloodcurdling wrawl.
Silence filled the air except for Dean’s raspy breath as Sam slowly stood up scanning the room, unsure why everything was tinted a strange color when his eyes landed on his dad, angered that while his brother's lower status didn’t interfere with hunting, it’d never allow him to stand up to their dad.
“Son, don’t,” Bobby’s voice was absurdly loud, agitating, like nails on a chalkboard but his gaze never left John as the deputies dragged him out.
At the arraignment hearing they found out Dean was being charged with voluntary manslaughter.
The district attorney said due to the extenuating circumstances; an Alpha on the cusp of their rut and the Betas signed a confession of intentionally seeking out another for infidelity as retribution because their Alpha recently purchased a House Omega against their wishes they were willing to accept a plea deal.
“As stipulated by state law, Alpha John Winchester will have ten days to procure an Omega for his pack's lower-ranked Alpha, Dean Winchester, and present them in court with the proper documentation or the defendant will be reprimanded into custody to serve the mandatory five-year imprisonment.”
The DA paused and glances towards the gallery, “the Alpha will also be required to surrender custody of Samuel Winchester, his other minor Alpha son, to be placed in a state-sanctioned home.” The defense attorney asked for a brief recess to discuss the terms when John stood up.
“Your honor, there’s no need for a recess, I accept the deal.”
Shouting and loud banging at the far end of the showroom drew the attention of several patrons then stopped just as suddenly as it started.
“Dean, go wait by the entrance.”
“What?” Dean disbelievingly barked and John grabbed his leather jacket collar, “don’t you take that tone with me boy,” he snarled in a low voice. “I’m having to clean up your fucking mess so your brother doesn’t end up in the system.”
”Yes sir,” Dean replies chastised, turning towards the warehouse's entrance with his brother naturally following hearing their dad say, “no Sam, you’re with me,” peeks back to see his brothers' cheeks flushed in embarrassment, trying to not gawk at the naked Omegas as he reluctantly falls in behind them.
Their dad had raised them to not only hunt evil but protect the innocent and this situation went against everything ingrained in them, knowing these O’s were destined for servitude or used as breeding stock and couldn’t help them.
“Let's get down to brass tacks shall we,” the dealer gestures around. “As you can see, our stock has a diverse selection, is there a particular type you’re interested in purchasing?”
“I need one under 18.”
Part II
SPN TAGS: @donnaintx @lyarr24 @flamencodiva @b3autyfuldisast3r @lassie-bird @nancymcl @spnbaby-67 @leigh70
Sam/Jared: @idreamofplaid
#winchester's folly#dark!fic#winchester brothers#dean winchester#sam winchester#john winchester#omega reader#spn a/b/o#spn a/b/o au#non traditional a/b/o#spn supernatural#supernatural au
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Bounty
A/N: Hiii im kinda alive and my random thought produced this.
Pairing: Choi Jongho x Reader
Warnings: violence, drugs, blood, cursing, depictions of drug deals, mentions of death and bombs.
random thought here
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Aurora. The lifeblood of the underground. Your lifeblood. It wasn’t an ideal job, hell, you wanted to be a bartender. The city went to shit before that. Your father went to shit before that. Psyke rose from the depths and took over the city. Cops scrambled for answers to who was dispensing it all, families mourned overdoses and you lost everything. It wasn’t easy, adjusting to your own dad hyped up on ridiculously strong drugs injected through his spinal cord.
Your heart ached every time you looked at him, an IV drip injected into his back to keep him on his high. Taking it out caused an indescribable rage, his eyes turning bloodshot within seconds, his hands around your neck, your breath leaving your body as he applied pressure. He had tried to kill you each time you had tried to help him.
His addiction got worse over the years, your hope for him diminishing as you watched his body rot from the inside out. He wasn’t working anymore. He couldn’t even make it to the washroom. You had to go to work, you had to pay the bills and keep everything running. You were doing everything you shouldn’t have been doing for your father and yet you couldn’t bring yourself to stop. To just let him suffer more than he was choosing too. In another reality, you thought things could’ve ended up differently, maybe in another reality you weren’t walking the streets at night, selling Psyke until the cops took down the whole operation with a literal bang.
They had blown up the labs where SKZ were brewing and creating the Psyke. It all went down, and the city went with it. Unfortunately, all of SKZ was intact. And they were collecting debts. When they found your father in the state he was in, they ransacked your house, looking for any sort of money to pay off his debts. They killed him on the spot after not finding any. It was not exactly what you had wanted to come home to after a long shift at your job, but your father was better off dead. He was barely living as it was. SKZ had threatened you then, your eyes watering at losing your father until they mentioned his debts to them. You had to pay them off. Or you died as well.
Since that moment, you were a runner for the boys. They gave you aurora, you ran it to a buyer and brought back the money. Slowly over the years, you built up a reputation amongst the underground. You were a perfect runner. One of the best. You always brought back the payment, always delivered the product safely and never let a debt stand. It grew on you slowly. It had become a normal job for you. You enjoyed it even. Maybe not the killing but the running. You got a few doses of aurora for free when you completed extremely high profile runs. Those runs didn’t count for your father's debt, any run you received normal payment for counted. With the amount of runs you did and how far your name spread, it was no wonder the police were always around every corner. They were just waiting, watching, hoping. For you to show up for a run. You knew where they were before you went to drop sites. You knew their schedules inside out and you knew where they had active CCTV cameras scanning the area for you.
You were wanted. A bounty on your head and aurora in your hands as you roamed the streets, double checking every corner you turned to make sure no schedules had changed. Everything was clear, Chan had given you no news on schedule shifts or extra undercover vehicles, so you did a handoff in the open. The man shaking as he watched you twirl the flask of aurora in your hand, his own extended with money. You grabbed it from him quickly so he couldn’t try and pull you in. All the money accounted for, you held out the flask for the man, your eyes narrowing as he chugged it on the spot, his trembling hands suddenly stopping as his eyes dilated and his veins glowed pink for a brief moment. You nodded in satisfaction, sliding the crinkled money into the pouch in your bag. Walking away from your buyer, you heard your phone dinging nonstop. Chan, you thought. Opening your phone proved your thoughts right, his name in your notifications ten times over telling you about a new dropsite for a new buyer who was verified hours ago. You sighed, new buyers were always sketchy looking and it drew too much attention to you when you showed up and headed in his direction. Sending off an affirmative response, you turned around and made some cuts through some back alleys, the light clinking of the aurora in your bag soothing your nerves slightly.
The handoff point for the newbie was in the open, a common club, a busy street that would be inconspicuous if two people had a conversation for a few seconds and traded items. You just hoped the newbie was going to cooperate with the rules. Money first, then the drugs. That’s how it went and those who didn’t accept it either got hurt or just didn’t get their fix. Simple as that. At least, it should’ve been simple. But as you approached the hand-off location, the newbie screamed trouble. He clearly had never bought drugs before and it made you wonder.
“So~ Why aurora?”, you asked casually, cocking your hip as the new buyer looked at you in awe and slight fear.
“Heard good things…”, the buyer mumbled as he held out the money for you to take.
You took it slowly, brushing your fingers over his just to watch him shiver nervously, his eyes following the people walking past on the sidewalk until you cleared your throat.
“All good. Have fun, newbie.”, you put the money away and handed him his vials of aurora.
The look in his eye made you laugh as you backed away slowly. The wonder in their eyes was always entertaining. You would be seeing him again, you were sure of it. They always ended up coming back for more. It’s the beauty of it all that gets you hooked. The brighter colours of the world, the enhanced pleasure. That’s what drew people in. Aurora is an aphrodisiac with a slight hallucigen that brightens colours and increases the rate at which your brain can process it all. It was a complex drug, one that was made in extremely large batches and took about two weeks to make in its entirety. Combine that with SKZ, creators of Psyke, producing it? You create a worldwide want for the substance. And with that, a demand for you. It was simple, fun and paid you and your dad’s debt. No complaints from you, even as you ran into the corner of a building as a result of taking the corner too sharply. You grunted in annoyance and continued your walk, your phone pinging a few times.
You contemplated just letting Chan sit without a response, but you didn’t want a fingernail removed or anything so you pulled your phone from your pocket again and opened your messages. A bunch of frantic “Answer me”’s met your eyes when you stopped to read the messages properly, your fingers hitting the call button before you could fully process all his messages.
“Y/N! You have to turn around right now and make your way back to the drop-site. There’s an undercover around that corner. They shift swapped faster than usual. When you’re back to the site, wander between the people. Wait three minutes for the patrol to start and make your way back. You’ll be safe then.”
“Got it. Thanks, Channie.”
Receiving no answer, you pulled the phone from your ear, the “call ended” screen glaring back at you. You didn’t expect anything less from him, but it still hurt you a little. The walk back to the drop-site after you pocketed your phone was tense, you felt suspicious checking over your shoulder every now and again. Your eyes scanned the crowd for faces you studied, the countless badge photos shooting through your mind as you tried to place any off duty cops in the area. Finding none, you relaxed slightly, mentally timing yourself before turning around as casually as you could and nearly sprinting back down towards the corner you were at when Chan messaged.
Slowing your pace to catch your breath some more, you glanced around, a message from Chan pinging through your phone. You glanced at it briefly, seeing a go-ahead to have a vial of aurora for the mix up with no repercussions. An incredulous laugh left you and you reached into your bag, your casual pace slowing just a little more as you grabbed a flask. Swirling the contents and watching it shimmer green and gold under the streetlights, you uncorked it. Leaning your head over the vial, you inhaled slightly, the scents of pear and vanilla tickling your senses until you glanced around the street once more. Deciding the coast was clear, you knocked back the contents, your senses coming alive as you basked in the euphoria. You sighed happily, pocketing the empty vial and strolling along, your eyes wandering aimlessly and worry free about the streets.
A loud “woop” filled your head, sudden red and blue lights flashing right beside you as you stumbled. Glancing over, your eyes widened at the man stepping out of the car. Your fight or flight response kicked in before you could properly register the detective badge in his large hands.
“Fuck.”, you whimpered as you stumbled away from the car, turning on your heel to book it in the direction you were going.
You took a highly illegal drug in front of a cop. A detective. As a wanted person. With a bounty on her head. You cursed your luck, your feet aching already as you ran through the streets, heavy footfalls behind you as he shouted at you to stop where you were. There was no doubt he didn’t recognize or know you from wanted posters and alerts that went through the stations across the country. He knew who you were, and now he was after you.
Your heart beat fast in your chest, your breaths frantic as you took sharp turns into alleyways, the vials in your bag clinking harshly and sending fresh jolts of panic through your system. If you broke the product, you would never hear the end of it and you would have to pay for the damaged goods from your own pocket. As you ran faster, you noticed a lock box for super discreet drop-offs. They were locked after each insert. If you could get the aurora to the box and lock it, the cop on your tail wouldn’t be able to break the lock. Bulletproof locks were a wonderful invention. Glancing over your shoulder to gauge his speed, you gasped as you realized he was less than two meters from you at all times. He was fast. Almost faster than you. Leaving the aurora in the box would take too much time, he would have you and the drugs in no time. You sighed roughly and took your bag from your back, your legs aching and hips cramping slightly as you ran. You had to drop the bag off to the side of the drop box and tell Chan as soon as you could where it was.
Taking a sharp turn and then another in the opposite direction, you left the bag as gently as you could beside the lock box. Hearing his footsteps slow, you turned to look, slowly coming to a stop yourself as you panted harshly, the cold night air burning your now dry throat as you tried to anticipate his next move. He glanced between you and the box a few times, a smirk growing on his face as he cracked his knuckles. He knew what you had tried to do, the ultimatum before him almost stalling him in wonder at your quick thinking before he was sprinting at you. His large frame barrelling towards you startled you into action, a sharp gasp leaving you as you tripped over your own feet momentarily before you caught yourself, sending your body flying in the opposite way once more. His footsteps felt closer than before, your heart racing in your ears and pounding against your chest as you struggled to keep your fast pace. His breaths felt like your own, the loud beating of your heart doing nothing to hide his angry grunts as he grazed the back of your jacket with his fingers.
Your breathing stuttered, hands growing sweaty as you pushed yourself to move faster. You had to go faster. There was no other option for you. Being caught certainly meant death or worse, so you had to run. Only run. Your hands gently brushed the rough cement walls as you passed, your turns getting shakier as the noises of the busy street got quieter, your breaths bouncing around the alleys in time with your footsteps. One turn too sharp and you slammed into a wall, your cheek stinging as you pushed yourself from it, hands trembling against it until they met air once more. Your hair was a mess, lips dry and body aching. But you couldn’t let yourself stop. Glancing over your shoulder to check the detective's progress granted you a clear look at his angry expression. His jaw set and eyebrows furrowed as he sprinted after you, one pretty hand extending for your jacket hood as your peek slowed your steps. The realization had you whimpering, body moving faster as you turned away from your pursuer. The noises of the street completely vanished now, you took a proper look at your surroundings and cursed loudly, the detective laughing loudly as you examined the dead end you had backed yourself into with your lost focus. The brick walls surrounding you left no exit, the one straight ahead of you approaching faster as you sprinted towards it. Cursing the man behind you, you stopped running.
Your momentum carried you further, shoes skidding and sending you to the ground as you slid into the wall. Your left side collided with the cold surface roughly, arm and hips no doubt bruising at the collision as you cried out in pain, the slow methodical footsteps of the detective reaching your ears as you struggled to your feet. A hand wrapping itself in the collar of your jacket halted your motions, the detective yanking you to your feet with a small breath of effort. Your back met the wall, head slamming against it as you groaned and avoided eye contact for a few moments. Taking the time to observe your captor further, you noticed his badge. He wasn’t any detective, he was Choi Jongho and he was the best of the best. The detective no criminal wanted on their tail for any reason. And he had been on yours. Chan had warned you about him, his feats and his role in the Psyke takedown. It was all him. You had foolishly thought you were safe, your successful runs and lack of encounters with the cops lulling you into a false sense of security. He broke you from your musings, his hand now holding the badge in front of your face, a slight smirk on his stupidly handsome face as he jerked you towards him.
“Detective Choi Jongho. Pleasure to finally meet you, Y/n.”
You huffed at him, struggling in his hold while he watched you with barely a hint of emotion on his face. His eyes traced your form as you struggled, your dirtied clothes clearly bringing him no interest as he shifted his attention to your face once more. Badge dropped back to his sturdy frame, his hand lifted to brush against your cheek lightly, a shiver running down your spine at his touch. Pulling his hand from your person told you he was rightfully curious in the area, the blood coating his finger raising your own hand to the area. You winced lightly at the force behind your touch, eyebrows furrowing at the barely concealed eagerness in Jongho’s eyes. His eyes held yours as you pulled away from the wound, his warm hand circling your wrist to tug it to his plush lips. Watching him in confusion, your eyes left his and focused on his lips, his tongue peaking out to drag a slick line up the pad of your finger, the skin tingling at the sensation as he groaned lightly at the taste of your blood.
“You taste as delicious as you look, Y/N.”
You shivered against the wall, your injuries suddenly feeling much worse than they had. The ache became unbearable, centering in your torso. It confused you as you watched him lick his lips, your hand dropping to your side, your eyes following soon after as the aurora you took kicked in fully. Your hands trembled as you raised them to your stomach, a bright red filling your sight with Jongho’s hand. It slipped your mind that you should be concerned about the red neither you or Jongho was wearing, but the sudden drop of the effects of the drug hit you harder than you ever thought. The pain increased ten fold, a cry leaving you as you felt all of your pain at once. Jongho laughed at the pitiful noise you made, his eyes trailing your trembling body again as you fell forward into his chest. His hand wrapped around your shoulder, pushing you back against the wall as you grunted at the impact, another sharp pain in your torso bringing your eyes back down. The knife held in Jongho’s hand, dripping in your blood, your shirt soaking through. You watched his pretty hand lift the knife, the taunting twist in your shared eyeline making you whimper before his tongue dragged across the blunt edge of his blade.
“The bounty on your head won’t be as sweet as the taste of your blood… but fuck if it isn’t a close second.”, his voice was rough in your ears, pain shooting through your head as he spun you around.
Facing the wall, body aching, Jongho tugs your arms behind your back roughly. Your whimpers and whines of pain fell deaf on his ears, his smug grin frozen in your mind as you felt the cold metal latch around your wrists. As you slowly lost consciousness, you could only hope that the bounty punishment was much better than Jongho’s company.
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im not very happy with this ending but this is my first work after like... 4 months now so i can forgive it. i hope you enjoyed! (also didn’t turn into smut but it’s not my strong suit!)
@sugarnspice630 here is your tag!
#herarcadewasteland#ateez fanfic#ateez#ateez x reader#ateez fanfiction#ateez fic#ateez imagines#jongho x reader#violence#stabbing#injury#reader gets hurt#choi jongho x reader#mentions of skz#mentions of bombing
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Oc summaries
alright I decided do a mini lore dump of my different characters because my brain wont shut up about them ill put my ramblings under the read more if you want a summary of who exactly are my characters (its the characters ive drawn before and shared here lol) warning it does gets long as I realize each character I wrote a big paragraph explaining each of them lol
Birch: the dude as my profile pic lol. basically had a rough childhood its just him and his dad growing up and to help out for the house he got into sales and realized rich people are stupid and gullible so he got random junk as sold it as the next big thing and it worked. One night at one of the mansions of his rich clients finds this very odd book detailing a ritual of some sort with promises of knowledge and power beyond comprehension. He does the ritual ends up getting in contact with an eldritch being and has his mind (just slightly) broken but got these cool new powers now. He goal is now to go on a search for more information on how to contact these beings again and unlock more of that forbidden fruit (tho more he does it more he starts to turn corrupt its a whole thing) Hes not happy how its changing him physically and mentally but he is too obsessed over his goal. (tho in the campaign im going to play im hoping he learns the power of friendship and he stops before hes too far gone lol) oh yea hes also a warlock forgot to mention it and my fav rn.
Clay. Oh my baby my first dnd character I love her. Shes just a water genasi pirate I know cliche. She had an infamous pirate captain mom named Brooke but her mom settled down for a couple years with this hippy wood elf and she had twins clay and kai. Brooke pulled a parent trap on them where she took one kid and the dad took the other. Clay grew up with her mom and the crew on her ship. Brooke decided she needed to calm down and became a normal shipping company (most of the time there was some pirating aside) This made Clay a very wild child who does everything in the most chaotic way possible. Sadly her mom got deathly ill (she got poisioned) and she died so clay got the ship. She has been traveling around the seas with her crew which is basically her family and keep her moms spirit alive by living like her. She is a bard and loves to make friends everywhere she goes and get what she wants. She is about that grind baby all about da money. Very loud and pushy personality but if you get to know her shes just an excitable puppy who loves her friends so so much.
Kai. The sweeter and gentler of the twins. He grew up in a hippie commune middle of the forest with his dad. however since he was the only genasi there he was often treated differently than the rest. Always seen like an outsider. He became very reserved and recluse and spent most his time in the forest where he became friends with the mushrooms. Making him a druid. The mushrooms formed this symbiote relationship with Kai and now they help each other out and besties. He also is accidentally very morbid now as mushrooms are all about decay Kai is very comfortable with death and does not realize other people arent lol.Kai decided he had spent enough time in the forest and set out to go find his long lost twin that his dad told him about. However he has a difficult time in large crowds and dealing with people and takes a while to find her. When he meets up with clay the two are inseparable and become a very comedic and chaotic duo as both are unhinged on the opposite sides of the spectrum.
Vera. Shes basically the closest thing I have to a mary sue lol but I love her so much my unhinged little mad scientist. Basically grew in a rich family and was the top of her class for math and science. Got into a prestige university where she specialized in chemistry and biochemistry (im not a science major please dont judge my lack of science knowledge lol) and graduated top of her class. She is however a bit of a sadist and very curious so she often makes chemicals and viruses that could destroy humanity if she felt bored enough and likes to test it on anyone whos gullible enough to trust her. She even gets paid often to either make these dangerous chemicals or the cures for some. For her its not about the money its the science behind it. Big party girl loves to go to raves often gets dressed up in the best drip. Is up at ungodly hours chugging monster drinks like it water. You know she has that rgb gamer set up. Tried getting dark vision but her project backfired and now she just has glowing green eyes. (still cant see in the dark tho) just living her best life being a mad scientist and having fun with it despite how often she endangers her life and others lol
Quinn. She is high elf royalty however They hate their family (mostly her parents) so so much so she decides to run off and join the circus. Lol not really but they do become a famous jester who plays for all the royal courts across the lands. While they distract the crowds she likes to steal from them adding to her own collection of riches as a fuck you to their parents. They enjoy putting on performances as well for the children she visits when traveling around. She has a soft spot for kids. Otherwise a very standoffish personality who acts like they are above it all. Even tho she acts like that she is very, very lonely deep down and wishes they had even one friend who has their back. Oh yea absolute bisexual disaster, looses all sense of grace around whoever she finds attractive and becomes a rambling mess. Also she/they nonbinary, they like to fuck with gender presentation as a treat. i havent really fleshed them out more than that so yea lol.
gabriel, oh my poor gabriel I dont think of you that often. Basically hes a victorian british man who was happily married to his wife and was going to be a father but she falls deathly ill and tries to find this "cure(its vampirism)" that could save her, however things goes wrong and he ends up turning a vampire himself and the poor wife dies (no i did not fridge her i promise she has a backstory just im not putting it here) lives in his lonely home for hundreds of years isolated other than when he goes hunting for blood. Mopes around the place most of the time being a sad boy. Finds a vampire cat and now he has a cat. Eventually he finds a fellow vampire widow and they fall in love (I havent fleshed out the other vamp yet) and yea. I am not big into romance so I dont know why I wrote so much for gabriel so I tend to forget him as I dont care too much about his story lol hes mostly there so I can draw blood and cool victorian outfits.
#oc lore dump#oc lore#birch#clay#kai#quinn#vera#gabriel#i need better tags for them other than their names lol#it felt so nice writing about them again lol even tho its just the summaries i love my blorbos so much#even tho most of them are dnd characters lol#long post#i know that probably no one wants to read all that but I do when I need more content for my ocs lol its like a refresher for myself
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How to Cope by Leo and Mikey Ch. 11
Leo had stopped seizing an hour ago.
After he had stopped, Donnie, Raph, and Mikey sat around Leo’s bed, the adrenaline from dealing with it subsiding, leaving only grief.
Their dad had apparently not heard Raph yell when they got back from the store. Splinter had been in the kitchen looking for the groceries they had gone to buy when Raph went out and broke the news.
Their dad had come rushing into the med bay, muttering about his son. Everyone knew Leo was his least favorite, but it was good to see that he still cared.
He wasn’t really able to cope with it, though. He exited the room to go back to the TV room, and everyone could tell that he just needed to be distracted. Mikey couldn’t even find it in him to be mad.
The three of them had decided to not tell anyone about Mikey’s self harm. No one needed to know because he had stopped and begun healing. Mikey thought dimly of the knife in the corner of his room, a tug in his stomach telling him he should put it to good use. He ignored it, electing to focus on the problem at hand.
Mikey just wanted Leo to get better. He wanted to see him smile again, wanted to hear a stupid joke. Any joke. He wanted him to wake up, crack a one liner, and everyone would laugh and hug him and it would be okay. He just wanted his big brother to come back to him.
A day had passed, and Leo was still comatose.
Donnie said that Leo had taken a lot, and that it might take a while for him to wake up. Mikey still had hope that he’d wake up. He knew it would be today.
Another day had passed, two days total since his attempt. And Leo still wasn’t waking up.
It had been too long since Leo had eaten, and they were forced to give him a feeding tube. Mikey didn’t like that. He didn’t want to see a tube sticking out of his brother. Regardless, Mikey sat as his bedside vigil for the whole day. He didn’t want to leave him alone. Never again. He knew Leo was going to wake up, and he knew it would be today.
Day three was a rough one.
April and Casey came to visit. Casey cried by his bedside, and said that his Leo from the future had almost attempted suicide as well, after Raph and Donnie had died. He said that he was the one to talk him off a ledge. Casey didn’t say how he was going to do it, but something in Mikey knew.
April hadn’t said a word. She stood in the corner of the room, watching everyone crowd around Leo’s bed with a snarl on her face. She hated seeing him like this.
Mikey watched her leave ten minutes after she had gotten there.
But it was okay. Mikey knew today was the day he’d wake up, and everything would get better.
After a total of eight days, Mikey was starting to lose hope.
Donnie said he didn’t know what to do. They could try to bring him to a hospital with real doctors, but that would involve getting him up and out of a manhole cover and unhooking him from the feeding tube and his IV’s. They weren’t going to risk it.
The three brothers looked through all of Leo’s medical textbooks, looking for anything that might help them get him out of his coma. They spent hours flipping through them, hoping against hope they might find something that could help them.
They didn’t find anything.
Resolutely, they decided the only thing they could do was wait. Mikey despised that answer. Just… wait? Do nothing, just hope that he’d wake up?
But he’d do that. He would, and only because he wasn’t going to leave Leo’s side. He didn’t want him to lay there alone, what if he woke up and Mikey wasn’t there?
So he’d wait. He’d wait until Leo was back with them, back to being the brother Mikey knew and loved. Mikey hoped today would be the day Leo woke up, but deep in his heart he knew it wouldn’t be.
Everything… hurt. His head. His body. His stomach. Was death supposed to hurt this much?
His eyes were closed, and he made no move to open them. Someone was holding his hand. He didn’t have the energy to move, but the hand was calloused and dry. Was that gram gram’s hand? He thought her hands must be smooth, though. So, not gram gram. Maybe another ancestor? He didn’t know.
Leo felt his heart beating in his chest. It was steady and strong. That could only mean one thing.
He wasn’t dead.
That made him feel… something. He didn’t know what yet, though.
Leo cracked open his eyes and looked around. Mikey, Donnie, and Raph were having a conversation about something that Leo didn’t care about at the moment.
Leo licked his chapped lips. “G’morning, fuckers,” He said, and watched as three heads snapped in his direction.
“Leo?” Raph said in disbelief.
“LEO!” Mikey said, dropping his hand. He stood up from his chair and hugged him, and Leo winced in pain.
“Hey, hey, hands off the merchandise,” Leo said, too weak to push Mikey off. Raph and Mikey burst out laughing, ecstatic, because Leo was back, and was making jokes.
Everyone turned to look as Donnie stood. His chair scraped back on the hard cement floor, making an awful sound Leo cringed at. “I’m gonna go call the others to let them know you’re awake,” He said, acknowledging Leo, “I’ll… be back.” Donnie said, swiftly exiting the room.
Way to kill the mood, Leo thought. He’d just come back from the (almost) dead, you’d think he’d be a little more excited.
Leo looked around at his surroundings. Everything was pretty much the same, except for a vase of flowers on his bedside table.
Mikey noticed his eyes locked onto the flowers. “They’re from everyone,” He said happily, “Sure, it’s the second bouquet, but it’s the thought that counts.”
Leo chuckled a little shyly, and looked down. His arms were covered wrist to elbow in bandages. Shit, he thought, shoving his arms under the covers. Raph and Mikey noticed, obviously. But who else?
Raph cleared his throat, a little uncomfortable. “Um, Leo, everyone’s seen your arms,” Leo’s eyes widened, “There’s no point hiding them.”
“Everyone?” Leo said fearfully.
“Yeah, everyone. I’m sorry Leo,” Mikey said, squeezing his hand again.
Leo squeezed back. “Can I at least have my sweatshirt?” Leo said, glancing back and forth at his brothers. Raph and Mikey hesitantly made eye contact before he responded.
“The sweatshirt you were wearing had, um. A lot of blood on it. We tried to scrub it out, but it was stained. We had to throw it away.” Mikey mumbled, pulling at the strings of his hoodie.
“Oh.” Leo said. “Do you have, uh, anything I can wear? To cover them? Please?” Leo pleaded with them, without making eye contact.
He knew it was stupid, wanting to have his arms covered, even though everyone knew. It was a comfort thing, he guessed; it felt too revealing to have just his bandages on display. He wished he could go back to his days where no one knew, so he wouldn’t have to have the awful feeling of someone knowing gnawing in his gut.
“I don’t think you should wear a sweatshirt, because of your feeding tube, but I can get you a blanket,” Mikey said.
“I have a feeding tube?” Leo said, swiftly lifting the covers with newfound strength. And, yup, there’s a feeding tube, why was he surprised. “How long was I out?”
“Just short of two weeks. Thirteen days,” Donnie said, walking back into the room. Mikey quickly shuffled out of the room to get a blanket.
Leo watched his emotional support Mikey leave the room, and looked at Donnie, who seemed to have a bone to pick. He could only hope Mikey would get back soon, and before any other people would get there. He really didn’t want anyone to see his arms.
Leo put the covers back down and slid his arms under them, and Donnie watched all the while.
He walked to the edge of the bed and looked at his chart. Raph watched him do it, knowing something was about to go down. After a minute, Donnie threw the clipboard onto the foot of the bed.
“Leo, what the fuck was that?”
“Language,” Raph mumbled, half-assing his comment.
Donnie glared at Raph for a moment before refocusing on Leo, “No, seriously. What the fuck, Leo. Suicide? You were just going to leave us like that? Leave me like that?” He said, chest heaving.
Leo crossed his arms in front of his plastron, building his walls higher. “What do you want me to say?”
Donnie was silent as he walked to the bedside table. He opened the drawer and pulled out a notebook, and Leo’s eyes widened as he realized that it was the notebook. Donnie took it and went back to his spot at the foot of the bed.
“I’m sorry you found me like this,” Donnie mocked, doing a terrible impression of his brother, “Dead. On the floor. Or wherever I decided to roll over and die. But what’s done is done, right? Right.” Donnie threw the notebook onto Leo’s lap.
“I don’t want you to say jack shit. I want you to take it fucking back.” Donnie growled, rushing out of the room.
Leo didn’t look at Raph when he said, “Well, someone’s a little feisty today,”
Mikey walked back into the room, Leo’s navy blue blanket from his bed in his arms. He walked over to Leo and started to wrap it around his shoulders, making sure the sides of it covered his arms with the blue fabric. “So, Donnie’s mad,” He said, sitting down in his chair, “But I passed him and he said that dad’s in the hidden city doing who knows what, and that April and Casey will stop by in a few hours.”
“That’s good, I’m sure they’ll be happy to see me,” Leo said with false confidence.
Mikey cringed at it. He was trying too hard, trying to make it seem like he was doing better than he actually was. He caught it, but Raph didn’t.
“They will be! Casey’s been by a few times, but April only came by… once.” Raph said, remembering the day she came.
“Oh.” Leo whispered, saddened that his sister hadn’t stayed.
“Uh, Donnie also said that you should get some rest,” Mikey said, looking at Leo.
Leo yawned. He did feel pretty tired, despite just waking up from a near-two-week nap.
“Mikey, why don’t you go get some rest too. I can handle Leo.” Raph said, smiling at Leo.
Leo gave a small smile back.
“I’ll… go get something to eat. I’ll be back at some point.” Mikey said, hesitating to leave. With a last look over his shoulder, he left the med bay.
Leo laid his head back on his pillow, and let his eyes drift shut. He knew he had someone to watch over him. He was finally safe.
Ch. 1 Ch. 10 Ch. 12
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just rambling abt how my dog is dying. sorry
it’s not unexpected because she’s like 15-16 yrs old. ive had her since i was twelve i should be very grateful that shes been around so long. but having had her around for so long that i barely remember what life was like before that makes it so much harder to let her go
with the other 2 dogs my family had growing up (of which my dog is the last one left) one of them went missing and the other was hit by a car while living with my dad after i’d already moved out. i havent had to deal directly with watching my dog die of old age and it’s a completely different kind of grief to me
she’s just. fading away right now. ive had to forcefeed her the last couple days bc she won’t eat and i don’t really know if thats the right thing to do. but i also dont want to just let her slowly starve to death. i don’t really know what the right course of action is im just trying to make sure she’s comfortable
im still jobhunting and in addition to all the stress abt money and everything its like im having to go into all these interviews looking like shit and being completely out of it bc i cant stop crying. i cant calm down at all because im in this state of anticipation like i know every time i fall asleep or leave the house theres a high chance i’ll come back and find her dead
i dont know this is just a fact of life. it’s something every dog owner has to go through. it just fucking sucks theres no way around that
#woof#tw what it says on the tin#im not doing so hot. as if i was doing well before this but like now.
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genuinely have no idea where I left off last time. Me and my dad did our trip to southern Utah to see the eclipse. There's so much to say about that whole weekend, but Ive been too exhausted to say anything about it other than a few bits and pieces, even Anthony, which truly does mean something. even if I'm actively angry and upset, I'll rant about my family to Anthony, but when I finally saw him, I was too exhausted to do anything but tell him how tiring it was and slip a single tear down my cheek.
I know i'll look back on this trip and likely be mad at myself for being so... conflicted/upset/on the verge of a mental breakdown throughout the whole thing, but it wasn't rose tinted. The trip was fun and good and me and my dad got along, but it was always good with a hint of waiting for the other shoe to drop. In a very tangible way. My dad talked to me a lot and was very morose-- about mom, hailey, caleb, his knee, life, death, god, religion, Mormonism. Every. Single. Thing. that I was afraid he would talk about? he talked about. I grinned and bore it, but Christ fucking fuck man, it's so hard. I think people give families too much credit-- they're fucking hard to deal with, or maybe mine is. I always feel weird when people value their families so much and get along with them and choose them over other things, because I just don't feel at at all-- nevermind the fact that I do choose them over other things because I am an easily manipulated forest animal.
I don't have enough energy to go through the play by play. I was with Anthony at Amy's house on Thursday and Monday. it was really nice thursday- me and Anthony got pho and went to the mall for a while. On Monday, I crashed there at 4:30 am and slept until 10. Me Anthony and Amy got burritos and went to Costco and got ice cream after that. It was really fun, me and Amy actually talked normally and I don't really know what compelled me to not feel like I wasn't collapsing in on myself with insecurity when I was around her. It has nothing to do with Amy, just that I'm intimidated by her. She's like an older, more mature version of Hailey.
I finally finsihed the new chapter of my fic (achilles come down) and posted it. I have motivation to work on it/finish it again, but I really coudln't say why. I just want it to have a ton of reads and get famous. I'm aiming for BARE MINIMUM 3,000, hoping for 14,000, and praying that I get over 50,000 hits. that would fr be a dream.
I have been listening to Folie a Deux a shit ton. It's such an underrated album. I've also been listening to Evermore a shit ton. IDk. I'm not feeling very -fall aesthetic the smiths autumn leaves the Sundays etc etc etc-. I just want to listen to what I like, and what I like rn is Taylor Swift, Fall Out Boy, Evanescence, and Mother Mother. Maybe I'm becoming emo again.
I'm skipping class rn bc I was late and I didn't want to go anyway,, and just-- god I cannot listen to people get a boner over how they're totally not racist/misogynistic (the class is all white people and women other than 2 boys). i just caaaaaan't. everything hurts.
I keep saying "I want to go home," in my head, but I really just think I want to not be so fucking stressed out. School is unbearable. I literally cannot keep up with my own shit even though I'm only taking 4 classes. It's just so goddamn hard. I'm entirely unmotivated. All I want to do is hang out with Anthony or write 1000 words at a time. Christ. I'm such a hermit. I have no idea how I turned out to be this way. Writing is such an isolating hobby (and writing fanfiction even more so, because there's a layer of exclusivity and cringe to it that I'm over in myself but not when it comes to sharing with other people).
I also just... don't want to see my fucking rommates. I think they're annoying and fuck and pick me's and bitches. and self fucking centered. They're just so deep in their own shit they can't see anyone else around them. I'm going to see Jimena again and she's going to be like "omg girl where have you been what the fuck is wrong with you?" OROR OR she's going to completely ignore my presence like she did when I left this weekend. she just-- fucking pisses me off.
I'm just not in a good fucking mood lately. I might be depressed. I don't even feel motivated to go into the canyon anymore.
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Star Wars AU #4: Three Skywalkers & An Absolute Metric Shit-ton of Kyber
SO I’m sitting here thinking about that one scene in Episode IV where Vader, Luke, and Leia are all in the same room together for a very brief minute - the only time in the series
You’ve probably seen the joke where Obi-wan just fucking dies rather than deal with that
You know what other powerhouse was there? Besides the son and twin grandkids of the force?
AN INSANE AMOUNT OF SEMI-SENTIENT KYBER CRYSTALS
I’m head cannoning that Kyber crystals use the Jedi as much as the other way around- but sometimes that balance is thrown off
And you better believe these crystals are pissed off about the whole death star thing
So the Kyber takes the opportunity its been given just yoinks the force through our resident overly force-sensitive suckers
And goes home to Illum, bringing a A Sith Lord, A Princess, and A Moisture Farmer along for the ride
On the surface, Fairly-Recently-Traumatized-and-Knighted Obi-Wan Kenobi is escorting a bunch of ten year olds (including young Anakin Skywalker!) on their first gathering
They are shocked when a rainfall of kyber crystals and three humanoids tumble from the sky.
26 year old Knight Kenobi is pretty sure this doesn’t usually happen, but he’s a relatively new single dad, what does he know about anything.
None of that time traveler disorientation- our future three were one with the force and the force with them- they know exactly where they are and what just happened, though they’re still processing how to deal
Vader recovers first and briefly tries to kill his child self (that’s the bastard who killed my wife!)
Young Obi-Wan steps in the way telling Anakin and the others to get back.
Vader is mostly toying with him- after all, he knows everything about how Kenobi fights, and Obi-Wan knows nothing amount him
Luke puts 1 and 1 and 1 together - Time Travel plus Jedi plus ‘Anakin’
"My name is Luke Skywalker and You’re not killing my father a second time YAAAA” comes charging in with the Skywalker lightsaber
This, naturally, distracts Vader long enough for Leia to shoot him right in the respirator
Wounded, Vader retreats to the ship. The Jedi Gathering Ship oh shit
Strands them all there and oh boy is that awkward.
They all get rescued pretty quickly- I figure some other Jedis felt whatever crazy nonsense just happened (100 credits this is somehow Skywalkers fault. Ha, no bet.)
And wow does everyone have a lot of questions and wow do Luke and Leia have the answers to pretty much none of them
Meanwhile Vader is having a fucking meltdown fixing up his cyborg body because he’s 31 years in the past
His wife is alive! but she’s also 15 years old which um…he’s a lot of things but a perv isn’t one of them
His son is alive! But he has no empire to keep him safe with and the second Palpatine finds out he’s going to try and eliminate them because the mention of ‘Emperor Palpatine’ is way too big a threat to sith plans and aw hell no that is not happening
Luke and Leia get taken back to the temple and Luke tells them the blatant lies old Ben told him which makes Obi-Wan… go lie down for a minute
Young Anakin thinks the whole thing is pretty wizard because he has a time traveling son now!
Leia tells them that Supreme Chancellor Palpatine is actually a terrifying Sith lord who wiped out the entire Jedi Order and subjugated the galaxy (because she actually had an honest education)
Which no one wants to deal with, i mean, we asked, but we do not like that answer
The high council is still debating several hours later and Luke is growing mixed feelings about the awesome Jedi thing, because on one hand, they’ve been repeating themselves for a while, and on another, *J*E*D*I T*E*M*P*L*E
Leia is working on sending an encrypted message to Senator Antilles from alderann if she can just get another minute alone
news breaks that an Asthmatic Sith Cyborg just assassinated the Chancellor in front of the Entire Senate and also the Chancellor shot lightning??out of his hands??and exploded when he died?can the Jedi plz help?!??
“Killed the Master, the Apprentice has” Yoda says and everyone nods gravely
There is a lot of chaos in the republic as some of Palpatine’s Sith Spite bombs unleash a bit of chaos, but overall, he really didn’t have that much time to abuse his poser- and his apprentice situation was at a low ebb
The council is concerned about this future Sith Lord last seen in a ship heading towards Serrano but
The force feels…lighter somehow? As though…the galaxy was filled with… A New Hope
#star wars#sw#my au#star wars au#if anyone has a link to that post where obi-wan just dies rather than deal with the three of them i will gladly link it but i cant find it#star wars au no 4#kywalkers au
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a drop in the ocean [lexie grey]
lexie grey x fem reader
requested by anon: OH MY GOD THE CLIFFHANGER IN LOVE IT IF WE MADE IT CAN WE PLEASE HAVE A SECOND PART I LOVE THE ARIZONA AND LEXIE BOND OVER THEIR LOVED ONE
pt.1
*not my gif*
“So Lexie, do you want to tell me what happened?” Dr. Webber asked, a lawyer present next to him.
Apparently they just wanted to gather more information about what happened that dreaded day and she was deep in the middle of it. The normal day at the hospital, one where you think that it’ll be a perfectly normal day, but it turns out to be your worst nightmare.
“During which part?” she asked.
“All of it,”
What was there to tell? The most horrific thing that could ever happen at someone’s workplace just happened a couple weeks ago.
Lexie was back to her worst nightmare, but the day just started like any other. The two of you were in the guest bedroom of Meredith’s house or well I guess it’s not the guess bedroom, but you and Lexie’s room.
Meredith let you move in not too long ago. It wasn’t the most ideal living situation, but it got the job done. While the two of you at least saved up for an apartment.
You met Lexie through your best friend Arizona when you transferred from your previous hospital.
“Darling?” Lexie played with your hair as your eyes were still closed.
Your eyes fluttered open to see her head propped up by her elbow as she just stared at you. You gave her a tired smile, before grabbing the hand that propped off her head and pulled her to lie back down with you.
You peppered her faces with kisses and she started giggling, “C’mon, we have a shift in an hour,” you groaned and continued placing kisses all over face, “Love,” she drew out.
“No, I don’t want to go,” you whispered, pulling her closer to her, “Can we just stay here today?”
“Unfortunately not,” she said, “You have a big surgery today with Derek and I am on Meredith’s service,”
You let out a groan, “You’re right,”
“And that’s how your day started?” the lawyer asked.
Lexie nodded, “Yeah, just like any other day. Until of course we went to work and I guess I didn’t notice this until after, but when we first got there Gary Clark was already in the building. If he just shot then, well it would’ve been a completely different story,”
You and Lexie entered the elevators, just as you’re about to go up to the other floors someone stuck their hand out to stop it from closing. It was an older man and he looked somewhat familiar to you, but you couldn’t quite place where he was from.
“Going up?” he asked and you nodded with a small smile.
“What floor sir?” you asked, politely.
He looked at the buttons, like he was trying to remember something, “3,” he finally said and you nodded, noticing that he was on the same floor.
The elevator ride up was quiet, you just held Lexie’s hand, fiddling with her fingers. The elevator dinged and all three of you exited at the same time.
“Have a good day,” you said and he just nodded.
“So the two of you didn’t remember Gary Clark and why he was there before, right?” the lawyer brought up again.
“Y/N told me that he looked familiar, but she couldn’t remember where,” Lexie answered.
You looked at her as the two of you reached the residents’ locker room. Lexie was already staring at you with her beautiful brown eyes. You cupped her cheeks softly before pressing a soft kiss to her lips.
“You have a good day, okay?” you whispered to her, giving her another sweet kiss.
She nodded, “You do too. Rock that surgery. I’ll see you after work?” the brunette asked in more of a question than a statement.
“Always,” you kissed her once more before parting ways.
Mark and Arizona both slide up by your side as you walked down to the attending’s locker room. They had teasing smiles on their faces and you already knew what they were about to say.
“You and Little Grey are really falling in deep, huh?” Mark said, nudging your shoulder.
“She’s so far gone, we can’t save her now,” Arizona added and you rolled your eyes playfully.
“Mr. Clark was targeting surgeons, how did he know that Dr. Y/L/N was a surgeon. From Karev’s recollection it looked like he was aiming for the elevator,” the lawyer spoke up.
Arizona cleared her throat before shrugging, “I think Gary saw Y/N talking to Derek. Then it clicked, Y/N helped Derek with the surgery that supposedly killed his wife,”
“Are you ready for the surgery today Y/L/N?” Derek slid up next to you.
You nodded, putting down the chart, that you’ve read once more, “I was born ready!”
He gave you a high five and smiled, “That’s what I wanted to hear! I’ll see you down there!”
You didn’t notice, but the same man in the elevator was there listening to your conversation. Derek was too far away for him to catch up, so he followed you. It was like a stake out or something.
You went to go ask Arizona a question and that’s when you heard the infamous screams. The loud piercing screams that shook you to the core.
“We brought Y/L/N back to the OR, we were able to head down there before they closed it off,” Mark confessed, “We had everything we needed down there, except for an anesthesiologist. Y/N was in a lot of pain,”
Karev placed a rag into your mouth before they started to try and get the bullet out without anything to put you asleep. You closed your eyes as tears started streaming down your face.
The sweat from all of the pain was dripping down your forehead. You kept falling in and out of consciousness because the loss of blood and all the pain was not doing good for your body.
Lexie couldn’t bear just watching you in pain, so she ran down with no hesitation, “Lex-Lexie!” Arizona whisper-yelled, following in after her.
It was too late though, Lexie was already in the OR with her hand squeezing yours. A small smile filed onto your face as the blurry vision of Lexie’s beautiful face filled your vision.
“Hey darling? Can you stay awake for me?” she whispered to you, running her fingers through your hair as you laid on the cool operating table.
You nodded, giving her a smile, but you could tell that your body was growing colder. They finally got a blood bag running through an IV to get you some more blood, but the pain was not subsiding.
“Where’s Arizona?” you whispered.
Finally, Arizona appeared right at your side, “I’m right here,”
“Remember when we were growing up and your dad called you a good man in the storm? You always lived by that,” she just nodded, not knowing where you were going with it, “Can you teach me? I’m scared I’m not strong enough. I think-I might abandon ship,”
Lexie let out a muffled cry at your words. Arizona smiled at you with tears in her eyes. You could tell even from being face to face with death that she was trying to hold it back for you.
You turned back to Lexie about to say something once more, “I told you, we should’ve stayed in bed,” you joked, trying to get a smile on that sad face of hers.
She let out a watery laugh, “That wasn’t funny,”
“But you laughed,”
“You keep fighting, okay? Keep being a good man in the storm,” the brunette whispered to you, kissing your forehead ever so softly, “I love you,”
“I love you,” you told her, “Arizona, teach me now, please. I don’t know how much longer I can-”
Before you could even finish your sentence, you blacked out. A loud beep coming from the monitor, “Karev! She’s flatlining!” Mark yelled.
Karev started compressions as Lexie and Arizona started going hysterical. Mark walked over to the two girls and pushed them away form you as gently as possible.
“The two of you need to stay right here. Karev and I don’t need you going hysterical when we’re trying to save Y/N’s life!”
Lexie was transported back into the conference room with Mark, Arizona, and Alex. The lawyer sitting right in front of them with Dr. Webber at her side. Lexie tried blinking away her tears at the harsh memory.
“Can I go now?” she asked, her voice cracking, and she could tell she was on the verge of a breakdown.
Dr. Webber nodded, “Yeah, you’re all free to go,”
Lexie shot up from out of her seat and ran to the one place where she knew she’d be safe. She entered the familiar room to see you lying there, your eyes skimming through your favorite book.
She let out a breath of relief as she entered the room to see you’re still here. Your eyes lifted from your book to see the relief, slowly overcoming the fear. You scooted over in your bed, patting the seat down next to you.
Your brunette girlfriend didn’t hesitate to come over. She gently slid into your side, clinging her arms around you like a big cuddly koala. You leaned down and pressed a kiss to the top of her head before going back to reading.
Lexie couldn’t stand the silence, it allowed for her thoughts to be too loud, “Would it be okay if you read it to me?” she whispered, “Just so I know you’re still here,”
Your eyes softened at the beautiful girl in your arms. You pressed one more kiss to her forehead before clearing your throat, “I’m learning to deal with that, but yes, I love you. That’s not something I have to work through,”
#lexie grey#lexie grey x reader#lexie grey imagines#grey's anatomy#grey's anatomy imagine#lexie grey imagine
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A Place To Call Home: Dark Nights
Summary: Directly following the accident in Canada, the reader and Jensen head back to the states to recover. But one of them is struggling and doesn’t know how to deal with everything that happened on the road...
Masterlist
Pairing: Jensen x foster daughter!reader
Word Count: 9,200ish
Warnings: language, angst (so much angst), mentions of injury, near death experience
A/N: This part takes place directly after the Dark Roads timestamp. Enjoy!
______
“How are you feeling today, Y/N?” asked Dr. Bradwick. You hummed around your sandwich, getting a smile from her. TJ stood up from his chair and she waved him back down. “You must be the husband. I’m Dr. Bradwick. I was Jensen’s primary surgeon.”
“Thanks,” he said. “For saving him.”
“She saved him. I just put him back together,” she said, quietly going to the other side of the room. Your mom was sleeping on the edge of the bed, your dad resting his head on her shoulder and fast asleep. She looked at his chart and vitals on the screen for a moment before she put it back. “He’s doing well. He may be able to be discharged tomorrow.”
“Really? He almost died,” you said, putting your food down.
“He’s improving. I know you folks are from the states. I’d recommend both you and he stick around a few days before you fly home just to make sure.”
“We took a private plane up here,” said TJ.
“Oh that’s great. That’ll be more relaxing for Y/N and Jensen,” she said. She gave you a funny look and you cocked your head.
“Am I okay?” you asked.
“Yes. You we’re probably gonna discharge this afternoon.”
“But…” you said.
“Y/N you didn’t come as close to death as Jensen last night but you did push your body far further than it had any right to go.”
“I have scratches and bruises mostly though.”
“You have a concussion and you removed your winter coat during a rainstorm when it was thirty seven degrees for close to thirty minutes. You developed stage two hypothermia. Your core temp has returned to a normal range and while it may only seem like bruises and scratches, your body went through an incredible amount of shock. Your hand is in a brace because of the muscle strain you placed on it holding Jensen together. I want you to rest when you leave here and I mean rest. No taking care of Jensen. You’re recovering too. Understand?”
“We understand, don’t we honey,” said TJ.
“Would I have died? If that truck hadn’t come,” you said.
“I don’t know. The emotional shock of losing a loved one on top of everything else you were feeling could have been very bad for you,” she said. “If you’d passed out on that road instead of in the operating room, both of you might not be here.”
You looked to the right and saw your dad awake, listening quietly. His gaze travelled to you, his eyes still so tired but that was the last thing he needed to hear.
“Oh good, you’re awake,” she said, going back to him, your mom starting to stir.
A few hours later TJ was off at the front desk with your mom trying to figure out how to get you and your dad home the best way leaving the two of you alone in the room. He’d been quiet most of the day. He could be quiet at times, more content to sit back and listen but you knew he was replaying what the doctor had said over and over in his head.
You sat up and got out of bed, plenty sore as he flicked his eyes over to you. You pulled your IV bag with you to his bed before you sat on the edge.
“Dad I’m safe,” you said. He reached a hand up and brushed it gently over your cheek, avoiding the scuffed up skin there.
“You almost died.”
“So did you.”
“I told you to get in the car. You have children, a husband. When I tell you to do something you do it.”
“Whatever you say,” you said, spotting a clump of hair with some dried blood in it. You wet your thumb and ran it over it, his hand grabbing your wrist.
“Stop taking care of me.”
“Make me,” you shot back. He stared at you and quickly you saw tears filling his eyes. “Dad.”
You leaned down and hugged him, even if it made your back ache. He held onto you and stared to cry.
“Dad it’s okay,” you said. “We’re both okay.”
He calmed after a moment but you realized he’d simply exerted himself too much and passed right out. You sat up just as your mom came in.
“Everything okay?” she asked, your head shaking. “What’s-”
“I think he has PTSD,” you said. She shut her eyes and nodded. “You think so too.”
“He wouldn’t take his eyes off of you when you were sleeping earlier. He thinks it’s his fault you almost…” she said. “We’ll get you two home and him into therapy as soon as we can.”
“It wasn’t his fault.”
“I know baby,” she said, sitting down and giving you a hug.
“I didn’t listen to him.”
“He’s not always right and things like last night, he doesn’t get to make those choices for you. You’re a big girl,” she said. “Thank you, for not doing what he wanted.”
“He’s not gonna like that answer.”
“I wasn’t there so maybe my answer is different but you’re strong, stronger than me, stronger than dad. I’d never be upset that you went out trying to save your father. I’d be upset but not for that.”
“I called him daddy,” you said quietly. You lifted your head and she tucked your hair behind your ear. “And kinda shouted at the sky or God or whatever to stop killing my parents.”
“Must have worked,” she said. You let out a dry laugh and nodded. “You okay?”
“I don’t know why I said that to him. He wasn’t...I thought he was gone when I said that.”
“I still call grandpa daddy too when I get scared,” she said. “I think it’s just a default setting to when you’re a kid, you know?”
“Yeah,” you said, your stomach churning. “Bucket.”
She bent down and grabbed the one from the floor, handing it to you in time for you to throw up. Your breakfast and lunch came up, your mom holding your hair out of the way.
“Stomach hurt?” she asked, using a napkin from his uneaten lunch to wipe off your mouth.
“Blood. There was so much blood. It was like an episode of the show but so much worse. I just thought of it and the smell...the pavement was pink.”
“How about you go to some of those therapy sessions with dad?” she said and you smiled.
“Yeah. I’m good with that,” you said. You looked over your shoulder at him and sighed. “We were gonna go to the canyon park.”
“I know. It’s your favorite spot up here,” she said. “Next year you two can take a trip up here and enjoy it, I promise.”
“He’s gonna be okay right? I’ve never seen him like that,” you said.
“Eventually I think he will. Talk to him. You know how he shoves it deep down inside of him. You have a way of sneaking in there and getting him to bring that stuff up,” she said.
“He’s got blood in his hair,” you said, turning away and closing your eyes again. You took a deep breath but didn’t throw up.
“You have some in yours,” she said. “We’ll fix it all, okay?”
You nodded and she hummed.
“TJ and I talked and we think it’s probably a good idea if you guys stay with us for the next little while until you’re feeling better.”
“I’m fine.”
“Dr. Bradwick said she wants you on a week minimum of bed rest, possibly more. I’ll strap you down along with this one if I have to,” she said.
“I’ll behave better than he will,” you said.
“Barely.”
“Still better,” you said. “I want to lay back down now if that’s okay.”
“Yeah. Get some sleep sweetie and we’ll wake you up when you’re ready to leave okay?”
“Mhm. Wait. Does Allie-“
“No. All she’s gonna know is that mommy’s sick like Grandpa Jay and she’s got to be a little slow around you right now,” she said.
“Do Zepp and Arrow know?”
“They know. Zeppelin was with me when I got the call. He told me to go.”
“Was he okay?”
“Yeah. He said to go take care of you and dad. He was looking like you do sometimes.”
“What do you mean?”
“He grew up was all. He still sleeps with a nightlight but he was perfectly okay with me leaving him in a different state alone. For a 12 year old, that’s pretty tough. I think he learned it from you.”
“It’s still hard for a kid. It’s hard when you’re not a kid.”
“I know,” she said. “Please rest this week. There’s plenty of people around to help the both of you, okay?”
“I know. Love you mom.”
“Love you too sweetie.”
Two Days Later
“Y/N,” you heard your grandfather say as you walked into the kitchen at your parents house. He looked over the top of his book and you rolled your eyes. “Bed rest means bed rest.”
“Well I had to pee so I was already up,” you said. “I’m hungry.”
“Your appetite coming back?” he asked as you nodded. “Why don’t you go lay down and I’ll make you some soup and grilled cheese.”
“Thanks grandpa,” you said, getting a hug form him.
“Thank you,” he said, kissing the top of your head.
“Dad doing okay?” you asked.
“Not sure he’s woken up since you two came home last night,” he said. “Mom’s keeping an eye on him. Grandma’s at the park with Allie and Colin.”
“Good. As far as Allie know’s I just have a really bad cold and gotta stay here for a little bit,” you said.
“They’re-” he said before you heard shouting coming from your parents room. “Stay.”
He left and you caught your mom come out, pacing around the living room.
“Mom?” She spun around and put her hand on her head.
“He’s so fucking thick-headed,” she said. “Therapy’s not a punishment.”
You heard more shouting from their room and you walked over, your mom giving you a look.
“I’ll give it right back to him and he knows it,” you said, ducking into their room. He was laying back on bed, propped up slightly, shouting at his father to leave when he saw you.
“What the Hell are you doing out of bed?” he snapped at you.
“Grandpa can I talk to dad alone,” you said. He nodded and left, your dad still going off in the background. You shut the door after him and took a deep breath.
“Get back in bed!” he shouted.
“Would you shut the fuck up?” you shot back. His face went blank and you huffed, taking a seat on the other side of the bed. “I’ve had PTSD since I was ten fucking years old. You’re fifty. If a fucking ten year old girl could get through it, get through abuse, get through grief and all of the shit that happened to me then the fucking fifty year old with the support system he keeps shouting at can too.”
“I’m fine. I don’t need-”
“This?” you said, putting your hand over the bandage on his stomach. “My fucking hand was inside of you. My hand.”
“I know that,” he grit out.
“I’m not a little girl. I could die tomorrow.”
“I know.”
“Then get your shit together. You and me are going to a therapist. I’ll drag your ass there if I have to but you’re going. There is zero fucking shame in going to one. Take it from someone that still goes once a month. It fucking helps when you feel like crap.”
“I didn’t say there was anything wrong with going to one. Don’t put words in my mouth,” he growled.
“Then you’ll have no problem going.”
“I’m not going.”
“Yes, you are.”
“No, I’m not.”
“If you give a fuck about me, yes you are.”
“That is not fair and you know it.”
“What the fuck is going on in-”
“I almost killed you!” he shouted, forcing himself to sit up. He panted and held his stomach, taking deep breaths. “I almost killed you. Don’t you understand?”
“No,” you said. “No dad, I don’t understand and I will never understand. You put an arm in front of me. You kept trying to make sure I was warm and safe. We were in an accident. A fucking accident. I know you’d rather die than hurt me and I know it hurts because you couldn’t protect me. Dad, sometimes I have to get hurt and all you can do is be there for me after the fact. I’m an adult just like you. Your mom and dad are here too, scared, trying to help you after the fact. You think they wouldn’t have traded places with you?”
“That’s not-”
“Dad. Part of your job is to protect me. But part of it is to trust that you did a good job raising me and that I can make my own choices. I wouldn’t do a single thing differently even if I got closer to death than I knew. Not a single thing.”
“You have children.”
“I do. I hope I do a good enough job with them to have them love and care about other people as much as you did for me. I was at zero. I couldn’t give two shits about other people let alone them dying. A little more than a decade later and you gave that back to me. You can ask all you want but at the end of the day, it’s my life and my choices. I picked you. You want to be angry and pissed off about that, that’s okay. You take it out on me cause God knows I took it out on you years ago. I have a lot more experience with this shit and I can promise you that it turns around when you try to deal with the crap and therapy is a big part of that. It’s scary at first, really scary. But I won’t judge you. You’re always gonna be the guy I want to protect me, no matter how hurt you are. But if I’m asking you to try, please try. I’ve always tried for you, no matter how badly I didn’t want to. Please do it for me, dad.”
“You don’t hate me?” he asked quietly.
“Never,” you said.
“You got hurt because of me though.”
“It was an accident.”
“I made you relive what you went through as a kid.”
“No you didn’t,” you said, fixing his messed up hair. “You’re still right here. I’m better at dealing with trauma than you are. The other night sucked. But I got through the first time all alone. This is a walk in the park compared to that.”
“Doesn’t feel like it,” he whispered.
“This is probably one of the worst things that’s ever happened to you, right?” you asked. He nodded and you slid over, giving him a loose hug. “You’re tougher than you think. You’ll feel normal again someday. I promise.”
“How do you know that?”
“I believe in you,” you said.
“I’m the parent, not you.”
“Whatever you say dad.”
He was quiet and rested his chin on your shoulder, his body relaxing.
“I don’t know what’s going on with me,” he said.
“It’s okay. I do. It’s how I know you’ll feel better real soon.”
“This sucks,” he said quietly.
“I know it does.” You hugged him and heard the door open a crack. You looked over and saw Zeppelin there with a pissed off look on his face and you mouthed what to him. He didn’t move and you felt your dad stiffen up when he must have noticed him there. “What?”
“Just cause you’re hurt doesn’t mean you can be an ass to mom,” he said.
“Why the fuck would you say that to him right now?” you said, your brother swallowing.
“Y/N he’s right. I-”
“Apologize to him right now,” you said.
“Why?”
“Because dad’s not just hurt. He almost died. Do you understand that? I do. I’ve already had a dead dad when I was your age and it’s the last thing in the world you want. It is so horrifying you don’t even know. You don’t know how scary it was a few nights ago. You only got a taste of it. Dad is going through a lot and so am I and so is everybody. He’s gonna get scared and you’re gonna forgive him for it right now cause he’s your dad, you got that?”
“Yes,” he whispered, staring down at the floor.
“He didn’t know I almost died, Y/N,” said your dad quietly. Zeppelin was already leaving and you rolled off the bed, ducking outside and catching up with him.
“I’m sorry,” he mumbled, gasping when you picked him up. You dragged him back inside, your dad chuckling. “Y/N stop it!”
“Get over it shrimp. Nobody gets to run away in this family,” you said, plopping him down on the bed. “I’ll tackle you if I have to.”
“You’re not supposed to…” he said as you lay back on the bed and shut your eyes when you got tired. “Are you okay?”
“I’m fine,” you said. “Zepp, hug dad or something. He could use one right now.”
“I’m sorry,” he said.
“I’m sorry I yelled at mom and you felt like you had to come in her to defend her. I would never…” said your dad, Zepp quiet. “You gonna take care of the girls for me if something happened?”
“You almost…” he said. You peeled open your eyes and saw your dad nod, your brother giving him a hug. “You should have told us.”
“I’m a little off lately if you’ve noticed,” he said.
“Cause you almost died?” he asked.
“I almost got your sister killed,” he said.
“But you didn’t like, hit the moose on purpose. How was that your fault?” he asked. You smirked as you looked over at them, your dad looking down.
“Well that was an accident but you sister could have stayed much warmer and not put herself in danger if she hadn’t helped me.”
“What the fuck kind of bullshit is that?” said JJ. “If she hadn’t helped you. You would have died, dumbass.”
“Language,” he said, Arrow following her in and hugging him. “Honey I didn’t-”
“I already know dad. We were listening outside,” she said. JJ sat down on the bed too and you smiled at him.
“Not a single one of us would have left you behind you do realize,” you said.
“You’re my children. You’re not supposed to-”
“Well you’re our dad,” said JJ. “I wouldn’t have left you either and neither would these guys.”
“But-”
“Dad don’t be stupid,” said Zeppelin. “Of course we’d try to help you. You always tell us we have to try our best. As long as we try our best then it’s okay and I don’t think leaving you would be trying exactly.”
“The shrimp has a point,” you said. He sniffled and wiped off his face, Arrow making room for JJ to hug him too. “Dad you can cry in front of them. It’s okay.”
“I don’t want to lose any of you,” he said. “I can’t. It’d kill me.”
“It would and you’d keep going anyways,” you said, his gaze going to you. “You have to try too, right guys?”
“Yeah. It’d never be your fault dad,” said JJ. He lowered his head and hugged them back, holding out his hand. You forced yourself to sit up and scooted over, JJ helping you sit before you joined them.
“You four promise to take care of each other when I’m gone, alright?” he said. “Promise?”
“We’ll take care of you and mom too,” you said.
“Y/N.”
“They’re growing up, dad. The kids aren’t the only ones in this family.”
“Fine,” he grumbled.
“We love you dad,” said Arrow, kissing his cheek.
“I love you guys too,” he said. “I needed this.”
“Guys dad’s gotta rest now,” you said when he started to lean on Zeppelin. They moved out of the way and JJ helped him lay back down, pulling his blanket over him. You went to stand when the twins pointed for you to lay too. “Oh come on.”
“Not so fun getting bossed around,” your dad chuckled. You sighed and laid down, crawling under the covers.
“We’ll wake you up for dinner,” said JJ, fixing your pillow for you. “Thank you.”
“You would have done it too,” you said.
“I wouldn’t have thought of what you did,” she whispered.
“Yeah you would have,” you said as you shut your eyes. She hugged you and you heard them leave before you rolled over. You barely opened your eyes and saw your dad do the same. “Not my fault your children love you unconditionally and all that.”
“That helped a lot. A lot.”
“I know. Kinda hard to deny it when this family suffocates you with love,” you said. “Took a play out of your book was all.”
“Yeah, yeah,” he said. “Get some sleep kiddo.”
“You too dad.”
“Hey baby,” said TJ as you stirred awake. You stretched and felt your stomach rumble. “Getting hungry?”
“Yeah. Where’s the babes?”
“Your grandparents are having the time of this lives with them,” he said. He ran his hand over your head and hummed. “How was your nap?”
“Good. I think my dad is feeling better,” you said.
“The dorks told me about what happened. He’s gonna be alright,” said TJ. “Aren’t you Jensen?”
“Mhm,” he hummed from the other side of the bed.
“I’m gonna take her to dinner, okay?” he said.
“Mhm.”
“Come on sweetie,” said TJ. He picked you up and carried you outside to the kitchen, sitting you down at the table.
“Hey baby,” you said as Allie ran over and climbed up on your lap. “I missed you.”
“Mommy daddy said you and Jay got sick on your trip,” she said, giving you a hug.
“We did but we’ll feel better soon. You having fun with your great grandparents?”
“Lots of it,” said your grandma, carrying in Colin.
“Am!” he said. You gave him a big hug and he left a big wet kiss on your cheek.
“Hi baby boy. I miss you,” you said, holding them both for a few minutes. Allie was talking a mile a minute about her day and you hummed, stroking her hair.
“Mommy’s hungry guys and it’s past your bedtime,” said TJ.
“But I want mommy!” said Allie.
“Mommy’s sick and she’s still getting better. I promise you can see her more tomorrow,” said TJ.
“How about a bedtime story?” you said, giving TJ a pout.
“You’re lucky you’re cute. Fine, one story but then it’s bedtime.”
Twenty minutes later you were downstairs again at the table with a blanket around you, eating a big bowl of mashed potatoes.
“Can I have that?” you all heard, heads popping up to watch your dad slowly make his way over to the table on his crutches. TJ went over to help him the rest of the way, fixing his blanket around him. “Potatoes smell good.”
“I’ll make you a pot,” said your mom.
“I got it,” said TJ. She nodded and refilled your glass for you, setting one down in front of your dad.
“I’m sorry,” he said.
“I know.”
“Forgive me?”
“Yes,” she said, cupping his face. “No more shouting at me please though?”
“I’ll try,” he said. She kissed the top of his head and hummed.
“You’re not supposed to be walking around,” she said. “I’ll sick the kids on you again.”
“I won’t. I promise. I got hungry,” he said, his stomach rumbling loudly. You swallowed down your forkful and slid the bowl over to him. “Thanks.”
“S’okay,” you said. Your mom got him a spoon and he ate slowly, getting tired and needing to take a break by the time TJ had a new bowl for you and was spooning more into your dad’s.
“You want anything special for lunch or dinner tomorrow?” asked your grandma as she came downstairs. “How about some potato soup? You always loved that in the winter.”
“Sure,” he said. She walked over and ruffled his hair, Jensen closing his eyes. “You okay?”
“I’m fine mom,” he said quietly. You excused yourself to the bathroom and returned to more potatoes in your bowl along with a piece of diced up chicken breast on a plate for you. You ate quickly, your mom helping him when he got a little too tired himself.
“You’re not eating your chicken,” said your grandpa all of a sudden. You looked up and he was stood beside you, nodding to your plate. “You need some protein. Eat up.”
“I don’t want chicken right now,” you said.
“Well you need some protein.”
“I need to be able to eat what I want to right now. Thanks,” you said.
“I expect you to eat that. Whether it’s hot or cold is up to you.”
“Back the fuck off her. Geez. If she doesn’t want it, she doesn’t have to eat it,” said your dad. You turned your head and saw him take a few deep breaths.
“She should have-”
“Dad. Shut up,” he said, clenching his fist around his spoon.
“Grandpa I’m not going to eat the chicken. Thank you for cooking it but I’d rather you save it to have with lunch tomorrow. Please,” you said.
“Alright then. I’m sorry for insisting you eat it,” he said.
“Yeah. You should be.”
“Didn’t we just agree you don’t get to be a dick just because you’re hurt?” you said to your dad.
“He doesn’t get to be a dick either,” he said.
“Jensen,” said his mom. TJ looked at your mom and you rolled your eyes.
“For those of you that don’t know, one of my foster parents was a bit touchy with food with us. It was a means of control and abuse and now I only eat something if I want to. No body forces me to eat or not to eat. Dad knows that and he’s just concerned, okay?” you said.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t think,” said your grandpa.
“I know which is why I’m not mad and it’s not a big deal. Right dad?” you said. He grumbled but nodded and you went back to your potatoes.
“Why do you have to be like that?” he asked after a moment. You raised your head and found your dad staring at his own father. “She’s hurt and you gotta try and what, force her to eat all the food on her plate?”
“If getting pissed off at me makes you feel better than go ahead and do it,” said his dad. Your dad lowered his head and ate slowly, TJ glancing over to you. You shrugged and finished with your food, sipping down some water.
“I’m sorry,” said your dad. Your grandfather rubbed his shoulder, the room quiet while you both finished eating. You and your mom both nodded when he was finished, TJ over and helping your dad walk back to his room. TJ returned a moment later, running his hand over his face.
“I’ll say it if no one else will. I think his PTSD is only gonna get worse the longer we wait to have him talk to someone,” said TJ. “He’s blowing up at people and bawling the next second. Yelling and then going silent not to mention how overprotective of Y/N he is. He watches her like a hawk when she’s near him. I think he needs to start with therapy tomorrow and I mean tomorrow.”
They started to talk amongst themselves, louder and louder, and you saw the bedroom door was open a crack. You excused yourself and went back to your parents room, pulling the door shut after yourself. You found your dad sat on the edge of bed, staring at the ground.
You took a seat next to him, hearing him sniffle.
“You heard them out there.” He nodded and you took a deep breath. “Not fun when they talk about you like you’re something they can’t wait to put back together, same as you were.”
“We ever make you feel that way?” he asked quietly.
“No. You wanted me to go to therapy so you could understand how to help me better. It felt different,” you said.
“Is this what you felt like as a kid? After your parent’s accident?” he said. You nodded and he laughed, squeezing his eyes shut. “How the fuck did you do this by yourself?”
“I was in shock and then learned to internalize very quickly at my first home. You, you have the joy of feeling what you’re feeling openly,” you said. He wrapped his arms around himself and laughed, starting to cry. “Fucking sucks, doesn’t it.”
“I don’t understand why I’m acting like this?” he said. “Plus I have to go to the fucking bathroom and don’t have my crutches.”
“Dad,” you said, gently grabbing his face. You turned him towards you, bruises all over him, tear tracks running down over still fresh scabs. “It doesn’t seem like it but you’re a trauma survivor now. That is what you are. What you’re feeling, that’s the trauma. I know. You think it’s gonna suffocate you until you can’t breath, until you can’t think, until it’s too much. You’re in the bad part right now. I know how horrible it is. How terrifying it is and everyone looks at you like why can’t you be like your old self, like your normal self. Why can’t they be better faster. Why are they still upset. I won’t look at you like that dad. I won’t rush you. The only thing that helps is if you take it one second at a time. Breathe. Remember to breathe. The seconds become minutes and the minutes hours and eventually, it’s days and weeks and months and years and you remember this, these seconds. But you don’t drown anymore. You don’t have to be afraid. It will suck. Every second will suck until not every second does, not every minute, not every day or month or year. It’ll be okay, just not right now. Right now, all you have to do, is breathe. You don’t have to be a dad or a husband or a son or anything. All you have to be is Jensen. You breathe in, you breathe out and when you’re ready I’ll get TJ to take you to the bathroom and then we come right back and you breathe. Tonight that’s all you owe anyone, including yourself. One second to the next.”
He nodded and inhaled through his nose, blinking away his tears and you saw him shift, calm. You cleaned off his face for him, making sure he just breathed for a while before you got up and left the room. They were still arguing over what to do when you shut the door loudly behind you.
“I love you all but could you please shut up. Until you have been that close to death, that close to watching your child die, none of you will shout and yell and fight over what’s best. Does he need therapy? Yes. Obviously yes. But making him talk to a stranger when he’s not ready will not help. Make preparations, make whatever calls you want but I will tell you when he’s ready, not you, and he is not ready to be going tomorrow.”
“This is not your decision alone to make,” said your mom.
“Actually, it is.”
“Why exactly is that?”
“I have experience with traumatic car accidents. Maybe I know a thing or two,” you said. “Thomas, my dad has to use the bathroom and his crutches got left out here. Can you please help him?” He nodded and slipped past you into the room, your mom walking over and getting in your face.
“You do not get to decide this for him,” she said.
“I never said he shouldn’t go to therapy. He should. I should probably go with him. What I am saying is I need you to handle that crap, handle the figuring out the best doctor for him and making an appointment and all of that. Call Dr. Cas and get a recommendation. Do that. Do whatever else you think needs to be done. But mom, you can’t push him right now. Do not make it for tomorrow. Give him time. You know how he is. Everything is his responsibility. He takes care of everyone and everything. If you go in that room all he will be doing is trying to make you feel better when tonight he needs to put himself first. He loves you too much and he’s too…” you trailed off, looking down. “He can’t be strong right now.”
“He can fall apart in front of me. I’m his wife. I can be there for him,” she said.
“You are there for him and he knows it. Everyone is. But his head is trying to be logical and work through a trauma but it’s too much. He can’t shove it down like he does everything else. He has to let it out and the sooner the better and the less of an audience the better.”
“I’m not an audience,” she said. She tried to walk past you but you stepped to the side, blocking her way. “I’m your mother. Move.”
“He’s alive for one reason,” you said, holding up your braced hand. “The child you swear to protect, the one you would die for, can you comprehend if I saved your life? If I put you into a horrible amount of pain to save you? If you were driving the vehicle that did this to me? Almost killed me? If we fought while we were both dying, shouting and screaming at one another? If you had to accept that you were going to die and leave the child you adopted, the child that already lost her parents before in an accident? If you left me hurt and alone and scared and dying, aware enough to know that I’m watching my mother die violently in front of me for a second time? That I might die too and you can’t save me? Mom, you can’t. You can imagine but you weren’t on that road. You didn’t feel how cold it was, the guilt on his face. Please let me talk to him tonight on my own. I didn’t...I didn’t heal and process the way I should have after the accident with my mom and dad. I don’t want him to wind up like I did. He can do it the right way. I just need to get him to try and we both know I am the only one that can get him to try and process tonight. If he wants you, I will get you straight away. I swear.”
You went quiet when TJ came back out, shutting the door softly.
“Your dad wanted to know if you were coming back,” he said. You nodded and looked up at your mom, her face red.
“He’s your husband and you’re my mother and you can do what you want. I can’t stop you. If you want to go in there and sit with him, that’s your call.”
She went past you without a word and you sighed, ignoring the looks you were getting.
“Go on,” you heard as she went around you again, heading around the couch and taking a seat. You nodded and almost went back in the room, TJ rubbing your back. “Momma.”
You heard the couch shift, a presence behind you after a few seconds.
“I don’t love him more than you do and I don’t love him more than you,” you said. You looked over your shoulder, her face wet now, TJ looking on the verge of tears himself. “Daddy scared me when I came here ten years ago. You didn’t. Not so much. I made him earn it. I loved you before I loved him because I was so sure he was going to hurt me like the rest of them. I wasn’t afraid of you, not really. We got to spend a lot more time together when dad went back to work. Mom I didn’t make you fight for it as much as him. Don’t think I love him more or he’s my favorite or anything like that. I made him work for it more was all.”
“Daddy wouldn’t hurt you,” she breathed out.
“I know. I made him fight for that. I made him earn my love. Do you understand why I have to talk to him alone mom? I wish it was you doing this. I do. I don’t want to do this. I wish you would make it all go away but you can’t.”
“You think he lost what he spent so long getting,” she said as it finally clicked for her, your head nodding. “You. You think he thinks he lost your love because of the accident.”
“He’s in the thick of it and any doubts are swimming around in his head and spreading like wildfire. I have to convince him he didn’t lose me. I want you to do it for me.”
“But I can’t,” she said with a nod. She gave you a hug, careful of your back as she wrapped you up. “Go on. Just try to get some rest the two of you at some point, alright?”
“Come check on us in a few hours. Hopefully the worst of it is passed by then,” you said. You took a deep breath and headed inside their room, using the bathroom before you found him in bed, laying on his side with a blanket over him. “Hey.”
“Hey,” he said dryly. “What are you all deciding about me now?”
“Talking about how you hog the blanket all the time,” you said. You took the one from the bench and crawled on the other side of the bed, plopping down with a sigh. You turned your head, not too surprised to find an angry glare looking back. “I told you. I’m not rushing you or looking at you any kind of way.”
“You think I’m fucked up,” he grit out.
“Can I tell you a story?” you asked. He sighed but nodded, watching you shift down on the bed. You tucked in close to him, careful not to hurt him.
“I thought you were telling me a story,” he said.
“I will in a minute.” You rested your head against his chest and breathed deeply, his arm reaching around and touching the back of it.
“Y/N? What are you doing?”
“When I was seven we went camping. But I got lost. It started to rain and it got cold and dark and I was so scared. Just kinda sat down in this tree alcove and cried and wailed and screamed for my mom and dad. A park ranger found me the next morning. I must have clung to my dad like glue for the next week.” You fisted your hands in his shirt loosely and sniffled. “He felt so guilty over something that wasn’t his fault at all.”
“He probably always felt guilty,” he said dryly, playing with the end of your loose pony tail.
“Don’t shove it deep down. I can hear it in your voice. You’re trying to push it away. Let it out, not-”
“I’m fine. Just tired,” he said. You sat up and put your back to him, no sounds coming from him. “You can stay, probably easier to keep an eye on the both of us that way.”
“I’ll tell you a secret if you tell me one,” you said. You heard rain hit the roof and saw a few droplets against the far window, dark against the evening winter sky.
“Like what?”
“You don’t have to be afraid of me. Because there’s nothing you could do that would ever make me not love you, unconditionally. Because sometimes dads get in car accidents and it’s not their fault. Because it’s okay to be afraid of dying and be afraid of dying in front of your daughter. It would hurt her, but she’d survive it, she’d live again. Her father told her to always try and as long as she tried her best then it was okay. So stop trying to be the tough guy and try to be yourself. I’m not going anywhere. Talk, don’t talk. Cry, don’t cry. But lay there and let yourself feel whatever you’re feeling without putting on a show for anyone. I held you together from the inside out and I’m your daughter. You owe me that courtesy.”
You lay down on your side, back to him and pulled your blanket over yourself. He was dead silent for five minutes, ten minutes. A light graze at your back made you jump slightly, the hand moving away.
“Can I see your back?” he asked quietly. You tugged up the back of your shirt, a wad of bandages stuck to you. “Does it hurt?”
“Not really. More annoying than anything,” you said. You put your shirt down and rolled on your side, his finger reaching out and tracing over some bruises and cuts on your face.
“You’re so small. Laying there. You look too small to be there with all these cut and marks and bandages and everything. Too little.”
“That’s tall munchkin to you,” you said.
“I traumatized my tall munchkin. What kind of person does that?” he asked.
“The alternative version would have been you not loving me in the first place and I’d be a very sad person, who knows where in life but I can guarantee if would not have been as good as this.”
“I traumatized you,” he said again.
“Not my first time,” you said, smiling as you reached over and scratched his head, knowing he liked when your mom did that. “See I have all of these healthy coping mechanisms and years of therapy and all this stuff under my belt. You? You’re like a baby that’s got no clue what’s going on. So we gonna talk trauma, I say we talk about you.”
“You don’t get it,” he said. He went to roll to his other side but that’s where his stitches were and he only made it onto his back before his hand was resting on his torso, his face scrunched up.
“Then help me get it,” you said. You sat up and propped some pillows up behind you, reaching over and grabbing his pinky with your index finger. “Let me hear your side of the story.”
“You almost watched me die. You thought you had and I swore…” he said, closing his eyes.
“That’s a silly thing to do. Swear you’ll never make me watch you die. No offense but you got some years on me. It’s probably gonna happen someday down the road.”
“There’s a difference between...between being old and something violent.”
“Yeah. It doesn’t mean it’ll hurt less. Like you said, it’s just different.”
“But one way is calmer and the other is you covered in your own blood and my blood. I’ve not spent the past ten years doing everything I have just…” he trailed off. You leaned your head back and waited for him to continue. After five minutes you noticed he was asleep and sighed.
“The only reason I have everything I do and have such a different outlook on life is because for the past ten years you wouldn’t let me give up. I wanted to and I was waiting for you to give up too. But you didn’t you stubborn idiot. You’re my fucking dad and I’m not gonna hate you so stop hating yourself. It was an accident. Get that through your thick skull.”
You huffed and lay down on the bed, closing your eyes. The bed shifted and you looked over your shoulder, your dad sat up, staring at you.
“You were pretending to be asleep,” you said. He nodded, playing with the drawstring of his pajama pants. “Why?”
“Didn’t want to say it out loud, that I could have fucked up the past ten years in one night.”
“Remember what I said the day I was adopted? You couldn’t throw me away anymore. Well that works in reverse too.” He rubbed his eyes with the back of his hand, sniffling for a moment. “Now that you got the dad crap out of the way, how about the Jensen crap now.”
“What do you mean?” he asked.
“Dad it wasn’t just your worries over what I was thinking about you as a father that is making you feel like this. Do you trust me?” you asked. He chuckled and patted his side.
“You really gotta ask that?” he said, nodding his head.
“The dad part, that I could help with tonight. We both know deep down that I ain’t dropping your stubborn ass for anything. You’re stuck with me. You’re one of my best friends and I’m one of yours and that’s how this shit goes for us.”
“You said tonight I don’t have to be a dad or anything else.”
“That’s right. Like I said, the dad part, that’s the scary part I can talk to you and sit with you and I know you believe me. You know that I love you and nothing will ever make me not. All I want is the same crap you want for me. Happy and safe and healthy.”
“What’s the Jensen part?” he asked quietly.
“The trauma part. The part with blood and freezing to death. The pain part. The dying part. The part you haven’t said a word about. I know you weren’t really conscious but you were aware enough to know what was going on in that pickup truck bed, in the emergency room, the xrays. The no energy to even open your eyes part of dying. I bet you were trying to think of a million more things to say but you couldn’t even focus, right?”
“I barely thought. I barely knew what was going on. I just knew someone was holding my hand and something told me it was you and something told me to try. So I tried. Even when…”
“No dad mode right now. Say what you need to say.”
“It hurt so badly. I was so, so cold. All I wanted to do was sleep. God I just wanted to go to sleep. So I stayed awake as long as I could until I had nothing left and I didn’t think I was waking up again.”
“Almost dying is scary,” you said. He pursed his lips and nodded.
“When you were a kid, you hit your head in the accident.” You smiled and he swallowed. “How bad was it?”
“Bad enough that if I had stayed in the car and waited for help odds are you wouldn’t know I exist.”
“That’s why you’re not freaking out like me. You’ve been close to dying before,” he said.
“Yes and no. I’ve been through it so it’s not as scary but it’s still scary. We just...have different perspectives on the whole dying thing.” He cocked his head and you shrugged. “No one makes it out alive. No one. It’ll happen someday. I used to be afraid of that, of losing you guys. Remember I didn’t want to love you because I’d just lose you? Well, the way I see it is you try like hell to keep going and if you can’t try anymore, as long as you tried your best, it’s okay.”
“You told me it was okay if I didn’t make it as long as I tried to hold on as much as I could,” said your dad.
“I can’t ask for anything more from you. You’re human just like me. A few nights ago, you tried hard enough. Someday, you’re gonna lose, we all will, and it’s okay. It’s part of life. So the blood and pain and all that, it’s scary for sure. But it doesn’t have to keep being scary once the moment has passed. My advice is be afraid when you’re afraid. Ask for help when you need it and don’t reject it when it’s given freely. Everyone in this house loves you. Trauma is hard to shake, hard to figure out how to deal with. It’s cold and you know what it’s like to be so cold. Family makes you warm. Therapy helps you be warm. Not shoving it down makes you warm. You won’t be so cold for long. It’ll get better and you’ll be warm and the cold will just be a memory that hits you every so often but it’s only moments. Take it second by second, minute to minute and you’ll feel warm and safe and happy again. I promise. All you have to do is try.”
He nodded and took a deep breath, his body relaxing.
“You should rest. You’ve been up for awhile,” you said. You plopped back in the bed, tugging the blanket up under your chin. He lay down and crawled under the covers, a heavy sigh the only sound in the room.
“I feel a little better,” he said quietly.
“That’s how it’ll go everyday,” you said. “There’s bad days too. But don’t give up when they happen. Please.”
“How’d you do it all by yourself?” he asked. “This time around I mean. How are you so calm?”
“I had my moment of thinking you were dead. I hit that low on the highway. Nothing else is so bad after that.”
“So you thought I died and you still wound up saving my life. Anything you want, it’s yours.”
“When mom brings up taking you to a therapist, go and try to listen to what they say. Please. That’s what I want.”
“Fine,” he said.
“Good. Get some sleep dad. Tomorrow’ll be better than today. Promise.”
One Week Later
“Hey,” you said, stopping by your parents house around lunchtime. Your dad grunted from the couch where he was reading, your mom working at the table and jotting something down. “Oh can I have this leftover piece of pie?”
“Lunch of champions isn’t it,” said your dad. “Weren’t you on some keto thing or something?”
“Fuck that shit. I want pie,” you said, taking it out of the fridge and taking a fork from the drawer, digging in. “Where’d you get this from? I want one.”
“I got it from a bakery downtown. I’ll text it to you,” said your mom, her phone going off. She groaned and answered, her face scowling before she eventually hung up. “Zepp just threw up on his math teacher.”
He chuckled and your mom groaned.
“Oh that guy is an asshole. He deserved it. The kids are fucking twelve and he treats them like they’re getting their Phd’s or some shit,” said your dad.
“Yeah well I have to go pick him up and you have your second therapy session in half an hour,” she said.
“I can drive him,” you said. “I got cleared this morning at the doctor and I have to run to the store anyways.”
“Thank you,” she said. “Be good for Y/N, grumples.”
“Bring a bucket in your car,” said your dad as she grabbed her purse. She waved and ducked into the garage, your dad looking over at you as you ate the rest of the slice of pie. “At least pretend to eat an apple or something.”
“I had a good breakfast. Besides. I was in a major car accident and fuck counting calories forever. I want pie, I’m having pie,” you said. He chuckled and smiled, getting up onto his crutches. “Need help?”
“I can make it to the bathroom on my own,” he said. You were all finished in the kitchen by the time he was out. It took him another five minutes to get in your car and he was frustrated when he saw the time.
You were glad his doctor was in the same practice as Dr. Cas and you managed to get there with five minutes to spare.
“Want me to pick you up?” you asked. He shook his head and put his hand the door, closing his eyes. “TJ’ll get you then.”
“Jared’s gonna get me. Don’t worry about it,” he said.
“Alright. Good luck,” you said when he opened the door. He paused, swinging his bad leg out.
“Do you want to like, sit in with me.”
“Do you want me to?” you asked. He gave a short nod and you smiled. “Okay. Let me call TJ real quick while he’s on his lunch break. I’ll be right there.”
He got himself up and out, grabbing his crutches and heading inside while you pulled out your phone.
“Hey, how’d it go?” asked your mom.
“He asked me to sit in on his session,” you said. “Which is a lot sooner than I was expecting from him honestly.”
“He took what you said to heart. He’s really trying. He’s reading all those trauma books we bought when you came to us again. I just know how he is. He trusts you when it comes to this stuff.”
“He trusts you mom. He just knows I’ve been there.”
“Can I ask a question? Why’d you call me momma the other night. You’ve never said that before.”
“Cause you’re my momma and I needed you to listen to me. I’m sorry if I sounded bratty but I just-”
“Y/N. You’re the expert on this sort of thing, not me. Don’t apologize. His mood is much better and I know it’s because you got through his thick head. So thank you.”
“You were in shock too. Everyone seemed to have forgotten that,” you said. You wiped at a smudge on the dashboard and sighed. “You had it the worst of anyone in my opinion.”
“Everyone forget except you...and Thomas. You were taking care of your father and he, well he was taking care of me when it should have been the other way around. Your father would be very proud of him. You found one of the good ones.”
“I can’t take credit for him loving you guys too,” you said. “I gotta run or dad’ll get suspicious.”
“Okay, let me know how it goes,” she said.
“I will, love you.” You hung up and ducked inside, catching up with your dad in his doctor’s office, joining him on the couch. “Doing okay?”
“I think so. I much preferred this when I wasn’t the patient,” he said.
“You got stitches for your cuts. Why wouldn’t we take you to the doctor for the other stuff too?” you asked. He smiled and nodded, taking a deep breath. “Dad? Still not going anywhere.”
“I know, tall munchkin,” he said, easing somewhat. “Just want to get back to feeling normal.”
“You will.”
“One day at a time,” he said.
“One day at a time, dad.”
_________
#spn#supernatural#jensen x daughter!reader#jensen ackles#rpf#jensen series#spn fanfic#supernatural fanfic#jensen fanfic#jensen ackles fanfic
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It occurred to me that while I did an introduction post for myself for new followers, I haven't done one for my writing.
So here's that.
First off, you can find me at AO3 here.
Of my personal works, I have the following:
Long-Fics
The Savage Seas
Regular Version, Explicit Version
Both a Pirate AU and a Soulmate AU for HTTYD, with some elements from Frozen.
Astrid Hofferson is a pirate hunter in service to the colonial military, and has been tasked to hunt down the pirate Night Fury. And when she catches up with him and confronts him in a duel on the deck of his ship, she loses–because how else can you react except in surprise to the pirate saying the words that have been on your wrist since birth, words you expected to hear at a formal ball, and not punctuated by cannons?
“I suppose that this dance is ours, milady, but you may lead.”
Part 1, consisting of chapters 1-11, has been posted, with two different versions. The regular version has fade-to-black for the smutty stuff. The explicit version... doesn't. ;) Otherwise, they're identical, allowing the readers to pick for their comfort level.
How To Change A Destiny
Part 1: How To Become An Urban Legend, Part 2: How To Tempt A Change Of Fate
HTTYD Urban Fantasy AU, featuring Fae-Hiccup and Vampire-Astrid in modern day New York. Not abandoned, but currently on the back burner.
A Thing Of Vikings
The big boy of my works, currently weighing in at 119 chapters and nearly 1,300,000 words. Part IV is currently being drafted, and I hope to resume posting sometime in mid-2022.
My first HTTYD work, it came about when my spouse introduced me to How To Train Your Dragon back in 2016; my first response after finishing the movie was "Cute, but not historically accurate." Three weeks later, as I was gearing up for NaNoWriMo, the plot bunny bit down, "But what if it was?"
So I tossed the sci-fi novel I had originally planned to write and started working and researching on this instead. I put the first HTTYD movie as a real event in the Scottish Hebrides in 1040 AD, and let the effects ripple out from there... meaning that, in an era when the most advanced, most sophisticated military weapon on the planet is Greek Fire, a small Norse tribe suddenly has a fire-breathing air force.
Needless to say, this breaks things. Little things, like... kingdoms. And the ripple effects continue to grow and build.
One Shots
A Game Of Pretend
Whumpy, sad-fic one-shot collaboration between me and @astridthevalkyrie that grew out of a tumblr post bouncing back and forth between us.
I'm Not Saying Anything
Hiccup and Astrid aren't officially a couple... but Stoick has his suspicions. Under 1k words, silly and fluffy.
Chicken Soup
Fluffy domestic sick-fic/caretaker fic featuring Hiccup/Astrid/Eret/Heather in a polycule.
I'll Haunt That Ass
Hiccstrid, for a tumblr prompt "If I die, I'll haunt that ass". Pure fluff.
Snowed In
Hiccstrid, written for e_wills's birthday a few years back. Even more fluff as Hiccstrid are snowed in and the power goes out.
Sticky Situation
Into The Spider-verse, Gwen/Miles. Things are going great for Gwen. She has a steady boyfriend--in another dimension, sure, but she can commute. Of course, that doesn't help The Awkward when his dad catches the two of them making out... Whoops.
Reflections From The Top Of The World
The Dragon Prince, Callum/Rayla. The battle is over, the villains (seemingly) vanquished, and the day is won. It's time for Callum and Rayla to rest and ponder where their relationship is going, and their future together.
Reflections From The Study Of Darkness
The Dragon Prince, Soren POV. Life is a state of change, and change is never easy, especially when everything you know has changed around you. Soren has to struggle with dealing with his past, his future, and his father's legacy.
South Of Freezing To Death
HTTYD Modern AU, Antarctic Research Station AU, Hiccup/Astrid/Eret smut fic. A bit of spite-writing I did after someone bashed smutty shipping one-shots on Discord.
Winter is closing in for Antarctica, and the last cargo plane of the season arrives with supplies and a few new people to overwinter. One of them is really cute, and Astrid and Eret can't help but thirst over the new arrival.
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prompts 8 + 9 for Buck omgggg 🥲🥲🥲
Can’t Lose Him
Evan Buckley x Reader
Warnings: fem!reader, mentions of hospitals and injuries, minimal swearing, mentions of pregnancy and Chim’s accident, big brother!Chim
Prompts: #8: “you promised me you wouldn't be reckless! You promised me!” #9: “Does he know about the baby?”
Category: mix of angst and fluff
Word Count: 2.4k
Author’s Note: I loved writing this so thank you for requesting! :)
---
Pacing the room, Hen reached out for your hand. “C’mon, your feet must hurt. Sit down” you sighed, once again you were in a hospital waiting room in the middle of the night with the team and Maddie because Buck’s idiotic self got himself hurt again.
“I’m okay Hen, thank you” you gave her a slight smile. Bobby was talking to the doctors because you couldn't bring yourself to hear what he’s done this time. Bobby returned, Athena by his side now. “Oh honey,” she pulled you into a hug, you could feel yourself melting into her arms, she sat with you and her arm wrapped around your shoulder. Bobby sat to the other side of you.
“The doctor said that the pressure of the block cracked a rib, which then punctured a lung. He also has a mild concussion but they say it shouldn't be too bad”
“Is he out of surgery ?”
“He is, but he’s in recovery now. It might be a little bit before we get to see him” Bobby gives your shoulder a squeeze, you nodded.
Taking a look around the waiting room, Chim held Maddie as she slept with her head on his shoulder. Eddie sat to the other side of them, on the phone with Carla and Christopher. Hen was now talking to Bobby about something.
This wasn't an unusual scene but a familiar one. Regardless of what was going on or who it was, the 118 always shows for their own.
A rather tall man came into the waiting room. “Buckley ?” he called out, everyone stood, the doctor seemed surprised to see so many people at 4 in the morning. Your hand was resting on your stomach, you could feel eyes burning into your side. Looking to the left, Chim’s eyes were fixed on your hand, you nodded in his direction with your brows furrowed. He shook his head, you didn’t think much of it.
“We can take one person in if someone would like to go in now? He’s still asleep but he’s stable as of now” your heart sunk at the term “as of now”, shaking the feeling, you look over at Maddie.
“Do you want to go in first ?”
“You go ahead, I'll walk with you and then I'll see him after. I might take a lap, my back is killing me” she gave your hand a squeeze, the two of you followed the doctor to a room down the hall.
She came in for a moment to kiss her brother’s head and then left you alone in the room with him. You sat at his bedside, your hand held onto his. His hand was cold, the monitor was still going and you could hear his heart beating through the deafening silence but it felt strange.
Every time you found yourself back here, it felt odd.
Buck was a warrior in every sense of the word, he pulled through, always.
“Oh baby, what did you get yourself into” sighing and leaning back into the chair. Once again, your hand comes down to rest on your stomach, the other hand still holding Buck’s. His hand twitched slightly, he was starting to wake up. “Don’t move hun,” your hand rested on his chest softly, Buck’s brows furrowed.
“Wh-who are you?” his head tilted slightly, your heart dropped. The panic started to set in but you knew better than to let him see it.
He’ll come around, he’s just woozy from surgery.
“Why are you here?” he asked once again, “I'm-” you started but was cut off by a little chuckle from Buck. “You ass!” you let out a breath, “god, you scared me”
“Sorry baby, I didn't mean to scare you”
“Yeah? So why am I sitting in a hospital room while you’re all banged up”
“We could bang if you wanted” he gave you one of his stupid wicked smiles
“Evan Buckley!” you scolded him, “now is not the time” your hand held onto his arm, your finger tracing over the tattoo on his bicep. “You really scared me, the whole punctured lung this isn't a cute look Buck”
“Really ? And here I was thinking that I was pulling it off”
Something flipped in you, you went from relief to anger in .2 of a second. “How could you?” hitting his shoulder, you stood up. “Ow! What did I do ? I'm just laying here” Buck whined, you know you didn't actually hurt him, he's just being dramatic.
“I know it’s your job to run into burning buildings but would it kill you to be safe? You can't fucking save anyone if you’re dead Evan!”
“Woah, calm down first of all, and why are you calling me Evan ?”
“Is that not your frigging name ?!”
You were starting to lose your patience. You loved Buck, any and everyone knew that but you couldn't deal with how stupid he could be sometimes. He’d run straight into danger to help others but not once would he stop to think of what could possibly happen to him.
“Where is this coming from ?” he asked you, looking at you. He reached for your hand but you pulled away. You find yourself pacing again, trying to calm yourself before you strangle him with his IV line. “What do you mean ‘where is this coming from?’ you had a giant block of concrete on your chest Buck! If Eddie didn't find you, you'd be dead, you were on the verge of death as it is.”
“You don-”
“I don't know that ? I know you’re dumb enough to run into a collapsing building, especially after Bobby told you not to go back inside” you gave him a look, your back up against the wall. Buck’s face went pale, he looked as if he saw a ghost.
“What? You thought Eddie wouldn't tell me about your little stunt ? You should know better than that.”
“Y/n, baby, I didn’t think anything would happen to me”
“You never think Buck, that's the problem! You promised me you wouldn't be reckless! You promised me! but you never listen, you never do. One of these days, you're going to walk in and not walk back out.” storming out of the room, Buck sat on the bed, his mouth hung open and confused as to what brought on the fit of rage you just had.
Maddie walks into the room, “where’s y/n?” she sits beside him. Buck rubs his forehead, “um- she just went for some air”
--
It was around 5:30 in the morning, you sat outside on the hood of Buck’s jeep. You had dropped him off at work and taken the jeep for the day, hence why you had it right now.
Peaceful.
That’s how you’d describe your surroundings. There was no one in the parking lot, you laid back on the hood as your hand came down to your stomach once again, staring aimlessly up into the sky. It wasn't dark but the sun hadn't fully come up yet. It was right before dawn, the world felt like it paused, not completely, but just enough for you to take in these few moments of peace.
The weight shifted on the jeep, you opened your eyes to see Chim climbing up to sit beside you. “Hey, everyone’s looking for you” he says, laying back onto the hood beside you. “Yeah, I just needed some air” lying through your teeth, you give him as best of a smile that you could muster up. Chim’s eyes fixated on your hand once again, you watched him, practically hearing the turning in his head.
“What's going on in there? The rebar taking its effect now?” you joke, he rolls his eyes.
“Does he know about the baby?” he asks, you sit up and turn towards him. You hadn't told a soul.
“How did-”
“Maddie does it to- the hand on the belly thing. She's been doing it since before there was a bump. Just a motherly reflex I suppose”
You stared off into space, Chim sat beside you quietly. “Does he know?” he asks once again, you shake your head. “I know it’s not my place,” he rests his hand on your shoulder, “but I think you should tell him. It might keep him from running into buildings without thinking.”
“Did that work for you ?”
“What do you mean ?”
“When Maddie told you that she was pregnant, did you think twice before running into a burning building ?”
“Honestly, at first it didn't. It didn't seem real until I saw the bump and heard the heartbeat. Then it all made sense ya know ? I couldn't risk getting hurt because I had something to live for, they were waiting for me to come home”
“That's the thing, I don't want to lose him, Chim. I can’t lose him. I love him and I need him here, the baby needs him. There’s no way I can do this by myself”
“You can, I know you would be able to do it by yourself but you shouldn’t have too. Buck’s an idiot but he loves you.”
Chim sat with you for a few more minutes, you considered everything he told you. How Buck might not change right away nor did you expect him too but if there was even a chance of him changing, you’d want him too. “Ready to go back in?” Chim slides off the hood, holding his hand out to you. You hold his hand and he helps you off the hood.
“We have a stop to make first” you walk in the opposite direction of Buck’s room. Chim follows you down to the gift shop, which was closed as it doesn’t open until 7.“Are you kidding me?” you groan, leaning back against the door. “We’ll figure something out,” Chim looks around. Eddie comes around the corner, “what are you guys doing here?” he walks over.
“I needed something for Buck”
“What did you need? Can’t it wait until they open?”
“Eddie, I'm pregnant” you just blurt out, Eddie’s jaw drops, literally.
“Congratulations!” he pulls you into a hug, “wait, you’re happy about it right?” he checks, you nod.
“I need one of those stupid “world’s best dad” shirts for Buck but it's closed”
Eddie looks at Chim and then looks around. “Are we gonna?” Chim points towards the door, looking at Eddie. “Yup” Eddie looks around once more, “lean your head towards me y/n” your face screws into a weird expression but abides anyways. Eddie pulls a bobby pin out of your hair, turning to the door and jams into the lock. He wiggles the pin around until the lock clicks open.
“Voila” he smiles as pushes the door open. The 3 of you walk in, Eddie stays by the door to make sure no one was coming. “Chim, find a pen and paper for me please ?” you walk away to find the shirt you were looking for. Picking up 4, you shove them into a bag form behind the counter. You toss $30 onto the counter and scribble a little note for the person that opens that read:
Had an emergency, needed a few shirts. Hope this cash covers it. Thanks! :)
Eddie relocked the door before heading to Buck’s room. Everyone was now in the room, scattered in different places. Bobby was leaned up against a wall, Athena stood beside him, leaning into his side. Hen sat on the little counter by the window and Maddie was still in the chair beside his bed. Eddie went over and joined Hen by the window, Chim stood behind Maddie, his hand coming up to her shoulder.
“Y/n..” Buck whispers as you walk in, you take a seat on the end of the bed by his hips. “I’m sorry” he says, his hand reaching out for yours.
“You’re an idiot but, I guess, I forgive you” you say and Buck smiles at you. “What’s in the bag ?” he asks, you rest the bag on your lap. “Something for you boys” The guys exchange looks, Eddie and Chim knew you needed something for Buck but what did you get for them?
Pulling out the shirts, you handed one to Buck first. It was a plain blue t-shirt with big white bold letters that read “world’s best dad”. Buck looked down at the shirt and then back at you, he repeated that process a few times and after a couple minutes he finally asked you.
“Are you ?” he whispers, the room is silent.
“Am I?” you ask.
“Pregnant ?” he finishes the question and you smile.
“Yeah, I am” your hand rests on his, he pulls you into his side for a hug. You hug him, trying not to squish him and hurt him even more.
“Okay,” you sit up and toss another shirt that said the same thing to Eddie. He caught it and smiled, “because Christopher couldn't have a better dad than you” Eddie gives you a smile and whispers a thank you.
The next shirt gets tossed to Chim, he laughs. “You got one for me too?” he asks, pulling the shirt on over his sweater. “Yeah because baby girl Buckley is gonna be one lucky baby, despite your not-so-funny dad jokes” Maddie laughs at the comment, Chim does too.
The last shirt goes over to Bobby. He gives you a look, “what’s this for ?” he asks, “Because not only have you been amazing with May and Harry but you’ve got a fire station full of ‘children’ that rely on you. Just a thanks for bringing them home in one piece, well for the most part” you pat Buck’s side.
The room is filled with happiness and love, the 118 was together once again, not just as firefighters but as a family.
--
taglist: @ssa-volturi @advicefromnixxxx @dralexreid @keenmarvellover
#evan buckley#evan buck buckley#evan buckley x reader#evan buckley imagine#evan buckley oneshot#evan buckley fanfic#evan buckley fic#buck buckley#buck buckley x reader#buck buckley imagine#buck buckley oneshot#buck buckley fic#howard han#chimney han#eddie diaz#911#911onfox#911 fic#911 fanfic#911 imagine#911 oneshot#9-1-1#9-1-1 oneshot#9-1-1 fanfiction#9-1-1 reader insert#9-1-1 fic#9-1-1 imagine#9-1-1 fanfic#9-1-1 fox
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Red Hood and the lost art of telling Joker to shup up.
Okay, I know that I talked about Jason and Joker in a recent post but this is something different, I promise.
I really want to talk about how different Jason has been written since UtRH when it comes to him confronting Joker. Jason hasn’t been put in that position a lot but the times that he has, he lets Joker talk for far too long and actually pays attention to whatever he has to say.
The Jason vs Joker thing is basic in on itself and letting Joker talk isn’t exactly the problem here, the real problem is Jason letting Joker’s thoughts shape his future thoughts and decisions, I do understand that that’s exactly what writers want though, they want to build the problematic of: “Jason is just like Joker and the fact that he uses the name Red Hood only proves that Joker made who Jason is now”.
But the thing is that THAT problem is overdone at this point and the only time it worked was the first time it was brought up and it worked because Jason shut the Joker down.
Let’s see all the times (that I remember) the Joker and Jason have had a little chat and/or the times Joker’s words actually influence Jason’s thinking and decision making.
Under the Red Hood – Batman (1940) #649
This is the first real confrontation we get to see between Jason and Joker after Jason’s death and it is beautiful. It's absolutely amazingly written, Joker goes on and on forever about how he killed Jason about how Jason is just as bad as him but that he is also just like Batman because he hasn’t killed him yet.
“You let me live after everything I did, you couldn’t pop my balloon. You just couldn’t. The apple doesn’t tumble too far from the paterfamilias. You are just like daddy-kins”
Jason lets him talk, yes. But he absolutely destroys Joker with what he tells him next.
“You couldn’t be more wrong about me. If right were a country on earth you’d be circling on the edge of the milky way. Yeah, I let you live but like always, every damned minute of your addled, posturing, psychopathic life, you think this is about you. You’re a worm. I’ve pitched you on a hook and dropped you into the brine. And I will beat the hell out of you Pagliacci because it was too much fun not to.”
“Listen to me Joker, I’m not you. I´m nothing like you. I know what I do and I know why I do it. You, you are, clinically speaking, a whack-job. But I know a secret, a good one.”
“You are not nearly as crazy as you would like us all to believe or even as crazy as you would like to believe. It just makes it easier to justify every sick monstrous thing you’ve ever done when you play the part of the mad clown. You are crazy, bubba, but you ain’t that crazy. Look at that. I wiped a smile off of Joker’s face. I have been waiting a long time for that.”
Everything about this is perfect, Jason gives Joker no room to mess with him. Whatever the Joker had planned on saying he had to eat because Jason wasn’t playing games and he was ready for any kind of lie the Joker had ready to tell. This is Jason Todd. He won’t let the Joker get under his skin because he knows the Joker and he, also, knows better.
Red Hood and the Outlaws (2011) #15
Here Jason comes across Joker during the “Death of the Family” event. In this issue the Joker has information about all of the members of the “Batfamily” and he uses that to mess around with each one of them, in Jason’s case he insinuates that he was present in very specific moments of his life when Jason’s father got shot, when his mother overdosed and when he was on his own before joining Batman.
Jason doesn’t quite believe that Joker was there but as the reader, we can see this sort of sense of doubt in Jason. He hesitates a few times before resolving that the Joker is playing with him.
But as far as this issue goes let’s just say that what the Joker says doesn’t get to Jason, this changes though in the issue that follows up this story.
Teen Titans (2011) #16
This is where that story continues and where Jason starts to buy the story that Joker is selling.
Joker convinces Jason that he has his father and Tim’s father and that the only way for Jason (or Tim) to save their dads is by killing the other (Jason or Tim). Tim doesn’t believe it but Jason is ready to shoot Tim almost immediately.
However, Jason changes his mind about killing Tim just as Tim comes up with a plan for them to not actually have to kill each other. Here is where Lobdell’s writing shows all of its flaws, Lobdell is so desperate to show that Jason and Tim are besties that he forgets that Jason had no reason to stop trying to kill Tim to save his shit father because it is later revealed that Jason truly believed that Joker had found his father and had him captive. It wasn’t until Tim explained his thought process as to why those men weren’t their dads that Jason just goes “you realize, of course, the only reason I didn’t kill you right off is that I knew your big brain will figure out some way out of this” HA, nice save Lobdell but I see right through your bullshit.
Jason bought what the Joker was selling and that is the beginning of Jason’s downgrade when it comes to not playing Joker’s games.
Red Hood and the Outlaws (2011) #17
Well, in this issue Lobdell goes back to Jason kinda not believing what Joker told him, and Jason asks Bruce of all people if he thinks the Joker truly “made him or not”. Bruce says that he doesn’t believe that and that he didn’t have anything to do with the man that Jason has become either. For some reason, Jason is actually happy with what Bruce said and for a couple of moments, Jason goes back to being sure that the Joker knows nothing and that he is his own man.
It doesn’t last long though. At the very end of the issue, the trap that Joker had set up in Jason’s helmet triggers and Jason gets his face fucked up with acid or something.
But that’s not all because a hologram of Joker has something to say: “you were supposed to be my masterpiece from start to finish. But you were too stubborn to stay dead. So here is what we are going to do… You’re so determined to be your own man? Fine, let’s start with a clean slate”.
Basically, the Joker insinuates once more that he had something to do with who Jason was supposed to become and that Jason isn’t truly “his own man”, This is all a setup for a very dense storyline that will be continued in this run later.
Red Hood and the Outlaws (2011) #18
In this issue, Jason is in a coma after he is dosed with that gas in the previous issue. The Joker isn’t really present in this issue but he does make an appearance as part of Jason’s “nightmare” while he is unconscious.
That’s not all though, Jason has an illusion of Ducra (someone that he appreciates a lot), telling him that “after you left the All-Castle after you went back to the world you continued to let your life be defined by the actions of that man. You became a killer, lashing out at people who may or may not have deserved it. Eventually, you will hurt all those you have cared for. In that way, how are you any different from the Joker?”.
In this statement, there is a lot of wrongs that can come from two places, either bad writing on Lobdell’s part or just Ducra telling lies as a plot point.
“Let your life be defined by the actions of that man” is a sentence that horribly simplifies Jason’s thinking during the events of UtRH, because while he did resent the Joker, his real problem was with Bruce who had not avenged his death by killing the Joker himself. Also, Jason was doing other things back then, like being a pain in the ass for Black Mask and disrupting the drug trade in Gotham as well as trying to control the drug dealing to children. So that little sentence is just a gross misinterpretation of the true events which means that Ducra was wrong, and “she” continues to be wrong when she says that there might be no difference between Jason and Joker.
Luckily Jason thinks the same because he tells “Ducra”: “…don’t you dare compare me to that monster Ducra. I am nothing like the Joker! Nothing!”
Once again please don’t be fooled by Jason’s thinking because in the next issue it turns around really fast and really bad.
Red Hood and the Outlaws (2011) #19
Just a heads up this issue has a change of writer, Lobdell isn’t writing this arc, the writer that gives us this hellish story arc is James Tynion IV.
All that talk about Jason not being affected or not believing what the Joker told him is yeeted out of the window and it’s not a fun ride.
In this issue, Roy and Kory find a Jason that doesn’t know who they are or who he, himself, is. This is because S’aru that little floaty little shit took his memories away after Jason asked him to do so, well Jason asked S’aru to erase every memory that darkness has touched (Joker) and he does that. But him doing that is apparently erasing everything which, holy shit, how messed up is that?
But let’s take a look at what Jason says before he gets his memories taken away: “Not only did the Joker almost take my face, but he tells me he might have manipulated my entire life from the beginning! Even the good is tainted by him now. I can’t do it anymore. I can’t have that kind of doubt. If you take it away, I can go on living. I can keep fighting”. So, yeah that was a pretty emo speech. But the thing here is that if Jason is asking this dude to erase every memory that has been tainted by the Joker and he erases all of them then we might be facing one of two situations, either Joker has been messing up with Jason’s life from the beginning or S’aru is just a little bitch.
We will later find out in #20 that S’aru and Ducra planned the whole thing, meaning that they took all of his memories for ulterior motives not because the Joker had actually tainted all of them.
For many issues Jason has no memories and now that I am revisiting these issues, I now remember the twisted and completely insane plot they came up with for the “League of Assassins” and Jason being the “Chosen One”, everything was happening in this run, my god, it's like they wanted Jason to be the center of every single trope in writing history.
It’s in issue #26 that Jason asks for his memories back but the Joker having tainted his memories or not isn’t important anymore to anyone, including the writer (because he is too focused on telling this messy story), Jason (because he has enough problems at the moment) and the reader (because this book makes zero sense and it changes the story and motivations every single issue).
But there is another truth to be revealed in the next issue.
Red Hood and the Outlaws (2011) #27
Jason has planned along Ducra and S’aru to give up all of his memories to be cleansed so he could defeat Ra’s Al Ghul. But (there is always a but) Ducra says this: “Your greatest enemy returned and nearly took your face away from you. And in the process, shook your sense of identity to the core” “The final battle here will take place in the Well of Sins, and with all the doubt and fear clouding your mind, it would eat you whole”.
So yeah, now we have confirmation from Ducra that Jason had indeed let what the Joker told him cloud his sense of self and made him doubt who he was and if he really was in control.
All that back and forth for these many issues just to say, yes, Jason let Joker’s words affect him.
So here it is, let Joker get in Jason’s head to build the plot of a story, fantastic, the story was a mess because it had so much information, the mischaracterizations of Roy and Kory were at their maximum potential, and in this particular story arc not only are the events of Red Hood: The Lost Days officially erased from Jason’s canon but something quite out there is added to Jason’s canon from before he was even Robin (that’s a whole different story that I won’t be talking about here).
What an insane ride this arc was. Definitely not the kind of story I enjoy in a Red Hood book but that’s just my preference.
*This whole arc was written by James Tynion IV.
Red Hood/Arsenal #11
Joker is dead during the events of this run but the person who has something to say to Jason about how the Joker made the person that he is now is Duela Dent (“Joker’s daughter”, she isn’t his daughter she just found Joker’s face somewhere and she puts it on and “becomes” crazy, she is an incredibly weird character).
She says this, “You’re a lot like dad in that way” to which Jason says “He is not my father. He’s not even your father” but Duela continues by saying. “You’re kidding yourself if you genuinely believe that. Yeah, he took your life but look what you got in its place, you ingrate. You got your freedom. You were reborn.”
Jason doesn’t fall for it or anything of the sort but once again writers are bringing up the Joker as the maker of the Red Hood and “suggesting” that what Jason has been doing and who he has become is all thanks to Joker. The idea of Jason having no free will is still present in this narrative, even when Jason doesn’t believe it.
Red Hood/Arsenal #12
I talked too soon because in this issue Jason is having some weird thoughts.
“Funny, isn’t it, so easy to call Duela “crazy” because she wears a dead man’s face. Because isn’t that what I’m doing? Before he was the Joker, he was the Red Hood. So maybe the line between men and the Joker’s daughter is a lot thinner than I’d like to admit.”
Here he is comparing himself to Duela and to the Joker to an extent, writers often bring up the fact that Jason uses the code name that his killer once had and they have people or Jason himself questioning why he uses that name.
Personally, I don’t think there is much to build from it (at least not from the perspective of Lost Days and UtRH), it was just a joke, a morbid one if you will. He wears the mantle of the person that destroys Gotham and fills its people with fear while he is trying to control the city’s drug trade and trying to keep the people safe in his own way. And the way he wanted to do it is almost the complete opposite of the way that Batman does things.
I just think that he is being ironic and acidic about the whole thing. He has obviously moved on from the fact that Joker killed him but he has issues with the fact that Batman has yet another child working with him while the Joker is still alive. And Jason really wanted to make Bruce suffer, so him taking the name and a similar appearance to how the joker used to look is also done to get a reaction from Bruce.
I really don’t think there is any sort of connection to make between Jason and Joker beyond that, much like there is no connection between the name Nightwing and the Court of Owls. Even though Lincoln March tried to convince Dick Grayson that he chose the name Nightwing because Owls fly at night and that meant that he was supposed to become a Talon and all that Dick still didn’t believe it because he knew why he chose that name and no one can twist his reason.
Red Hood and the Outlaws (2016) #10
Finally, I can stop re-reading New 52 books, I don’t enjoy it but I have to do it if I want to talk/complain about stuff.
This one is a little different because while Jason does talk with the Joker, the Joker isn’t really there he is just part of Jason’s imagination just like the Robin Jason that he is also seeing.
In this story, Jason is helping Artemis discover who she is but he gets captured in Qurac, yup that place, and worst of all from where he is being held, he can see the place where he died. All of that is helping Jason have some very vivid memories/illusions. He does actively hold a conversation with the imaginary Joker and Robin Jason though, and he is also having a lot of thoughts that let us know how the Joker affects Jason.
“This is why it was stupid of me to come back to Qurac. Even to help Artemis, even if I thought I could handle it. Physically, I am alone, but in my head? I’m drowning in memories of the worst day of what was my very short life. The day I was murdered.”
That’s what Jason is thinking but what I write next is what Jason’s saying as he talks to the imaginary Joker.
“Not interested in replaying this over again, like I have every night of my life since it happened Joker”
So, we are told that Jason thinks about that day very often, the Joker might not be involved much in Jason’s books but he definitely has a bigger role inside of Jason’s head. They chat for a bit up until Jason decides to “kill” the Joker, he knows, of course, that it is not real but it does give him satisfaction. (If only they would have let Jason actually kill the clown for real, or at the very least chase him just to show the reader that Jason does actually want to finish the job since the Bat won’t do it himself).
Having said all that, Joker’s imaginary death doesn’t last long because Jason is trapped in his mind and the Joker is basically functioning on a loop inside of it.
That is where the problem lies in this issue because Jason is letting us know that he is still heavily influenced by what happened that day and that he hasn’t been able to walk away from it. But once more that’s not the worst thing, because all of these thoughts have led Jason to think that he (in the present and as a fifteen-year-old) is the one to blame for having ended up dead. Yeah, it is messed up.
This is what Jason says to imaginary Robin Jason, “He is never going to die, Jason. Not here. Not in my mind, not if at some point I don’t stand up and walk away from my memories. From you.”
This is a major downgrade, from the Jason that we had in UtRH because that Jason had moved on from the fact that he had been killed what he was looking for was for Batman to avenge his death. He had other things in mind as well, like I said before in this post Jason had a lot of things going on, killing Joker wasn’t his only plan.
And this situation (written by Lobdell) is also very different from what was going on in New 52 where Jason being influenced by the Joker was used to build a plot. This is just a writer letting us know that this “new version” of Jason hasn’t worked out his problems when it comes to his death and his killer. That means that we are going backward.
After he realizes that he was unconscious all that time and that he was being tortured he does get his shit together in order to get out of captivity and go help Artemis.
The Joker and that whole thing that happened in his mind aren’t mentioned again, it was just for the reader to know that Rebirth Jason has unsolved issues with his death.
Batman: Three Jokers #1
Oh yes, here we are, we have arrived to that dreaded book, awful writing gorgeous art. In this book, the “Joker made Jason as he is now” trope is at its full potential; Johns drives this hellish truck of a book at full speed into our homes and then ends it by giving us one of the worst takes on Jason Todd’s characterization ever.
But first, let’s talk about the Joker and Jason interaction in the first issue. As Jason and Barbara are left alone with the Joker that they came across moments ago the Joker begins talking because that’s what he does.
He says this, “I’m the loop-de-loop, the hamster-wheel-of-doom. The cycle of pain each one of you is trapped in. Take “Red Hood” here, for example. Have you ever wondered why he uses my former moniker? Who in their right mind would take on the identity of their killer? Am I right?”
He is obviously being a little shit on purpose and is waiting to see if somebody will take the bait. Jason is the first to talk and he says this: “I took it because I’m owning what you did to me. You made me into this. I will be your destruction”.
Congratulations Jason, you took the bait, and now Barbara will fight with you over it.
Jason raises his gun to “break the cycle” and Barbara is like “please don’t do it” and boy is Joker having the time of his life! Both of these idiots are playing his game, Johns really did both Jason and Barbara dirty with this.
Here is where THE problem with letting the Joker talk is. This Joker got under Jason’s skin in seconds and Barbara did nothing while it happened.
This is what the Joker had to say. “Let’s look at the facts here bat-people. I bashed this boy’s skull in. I killed this Robin” to which Jason says “You didn’t kill me, you only made me stronger” which is weird because the Joker did kill him so I don’t know what kinda comeback that was supposed to be but Joker wasn’t done because he continues by saying “Yes, you crawled from the shallow grave I left you in. You lived on to fight another day. Hurrah! You survived because of your tenacity! Or maybe… maybe I beat you to a bloody mess… I took you right to the edge… because I wanted to leave you alive.”
Great that’s where the clown is going, just fantastic, more of the “I made you” but that’s not all because the Joker tells Jason that him having hurt Jason wasn’t because he didn’t like Jason, it was all about Batman, Jason doesn’t matter.
But that’s not the worse thing that was written in this awful book, Geoff Johns seems to have felt that the trauma that Jason went through in the original “Death in the Family” story wasn’t enough because he decided to add something new.
That’s why the Joker says this next, “Do you recall what you said to me while I was breaking your head in with that crowbar? As your blood streamed into your eyes and your skull cracked? Because I cherish those words. I’ll always cherish them. ‘Please stop! Please! If you let me live, I’ll do anything you say. I’ll be your Robin’” “And look at you now my little “Red Hood” shooting up people and making Batman’s life miserable! You are my Robin!”
What a nightmare Johns decided to put Jason and Jason Nation through huh? I hate this, this is the worst thing that has ever been written in a Jason Todd story (although I can say that about many things that were written in this three-issue book).
Jason kills the Joker after he says all that, Barbara does (for some reason) try to stop him from doing it but luckily, she can’t stop Jason.
But here is the thing, Jason killing the Joker doesn’t make me feel as satisfied as I would have liked, and it doesn’t feel that way because Jason let Joker talk for far too long and what Joker said ended up getting in Jason’s head and messing with him.
Batman: Three Jokers #2
Yeah, there is no rest for us, Jason Nation, in this issue Jason goes looking for another Joker to kill and he finds one but he gets captured. Johns really had to get Jason naked for Joker to torture him mentally and physically? Johns is, himself, a major red flag but that’s not what I am here to talk about.
In this issue the Joker that captures Jason has the same things to say as the other one, DC writers really have no imagination when it comes to building conflict between Joker and Jason, huh?
Anyway, Joker says this, “tell me something. Why would you put on that helmet and call yourself Red Hood after what we did?” Jason of course replies “Come on, is every one of you copycats gonna ask me the same thing? It’s a joke” the answer isn’t enough for Joker (the two of them that are here with Jason) so he continues talking. “A joke? We left you with brain damage and permanent nerve pain. Physical and emotional trauma so severe that the only relief you ever find is when you inflict pain on others. You and me, boy, we’re more alike than you’d care to admit. But you know that already. You nearly died and you blame the Batman. You hate him for it. Me too. You hate him most of all don’t you?”
Now, here is the thing, that whole thing is bullshit, none of it makes sense. From Jason having permanent nerve pain to Jason hating Batman the most, everything is a lie. And my confusion here is that I don’t know if I have to feel like Joker is doing it on purpose to be a little bitch or if Geoff Johns was on crack when he wrote this and he had actually never heard of Jason Todd in his life before.
The whole thing is a mess, it feels like he is writing Jason from an origin and story that we never read. I don’t know how to explain it, but the whole thing feels cheap, it’s a cheap trope and it’s a cheap take on who Jason Todd is, was, and will be.
The nightmare doesn’t end Jason Nation because these two Jokers have something else in mind, you see, if they said that they made the Red Hood when they killed Jason the first time, maybe if they kill him this time then he could possibly come back as the Joker. Yeah, this book did nothing for Jason.
Let’s make something clear, Jason does NOT hate Batman/Bruce for not being able to save him, he hates the fact that Batman/Bruce didn’t kill the Joker to avenge him. That simple thing doesn’t exist in Three Jokers and that’s why things like the ones that happen next are allowed to happen in this story.
Bruce and Barbara find Jason and when Bruce asks if he is okay Jason just goes berserk, he says: “Am I all right? What do you think Bruce?! You did this to me. You put me on this path. And I do hate you for it. For leaving me in the dirt. Replacing me one Robin after another without a thought.”
This, everybody is what you get when you mix bad writing with Jason being mentally manipulated by the Joker.
It's a shame that Jason is being treated this way at this point in time, in a book that came out in 2020 when Jason was able to shut the clown up with a knife and a couple of words back in 2005. What a downgrade.
At the end of this issue, Jason is safe and recovering but he still is in the same mindset, he says, “What the Joker said about how I’ve been on the path to being like them for years… they are not wrong. I don’t want to be like them though. I really don’t.”
It’s like a never-ending wheel of pain with this book. Jason is talking to Barbara when he says that and he is trying to look for comfort in her. And here is where the Jason/Barbara subplot begins and I only bring this up because something that happens in the next issue is based on the kiss that Barbara gave Jason but then was like “that doesn’t mean anything, I was just trying to comfort you”. Johns shouldn’t be allowed to write Barbara and Jason ever again.
Batman: Three Jokers #3
It’s in this issue that we find out the big subplot that Johns has prepared for Jason, are you ready for it? Yup, Jason should stop being the Red Hood because if he keeps it up, he will eventually become the Joker.
I know, I know! Jason would never stop being Red Hood, he is not on a path to become the Joker, that’s crazy! Jason’s Red Hood is a character on its own and he is amazing and just because he has different morals from Batman doesn’t mean that he is a bad guy! Right?...
“I’ll give up being Red Hood for us. I can be something else. Or I can be just Jason.”
To this day I cannot believe that those words supposedly were written by Jason Todd to Barbara Gordon after Barbara rejected him three times. The level of “what the fuck is this” is incredibly high with this one…
This whole book was a mess and I am so glad that it didn’t last longer.
Anyway, that’s it. In conclusion, Jason didn’t let the Joker get under his skin the first time they interacted after he came back from the dead but later when DC decided that UtRH was just too good of a book they came up with stories where Joker does get under Jason’s skin and Jason becomes convinced that he has no free will (or at the very least he doubts his free will) when it comes to him becoming his own man.
As I have said before, that for Jason Todd is a major downgrade. And it's one of the many things that hurts Jason’s characterization in current comics.
#jason todd#Jason Todd#red hood#Red Hood#red hood and the outlaws#red hood outlaw#three jokers#batman under the red hood#dc comics
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Finnpoe Rec List!
There’s some really fantastic Finnpoe fics out there and I’ve been setting aside fics from my bookmarks for this for a while! These are just some of my faves, so enjoy!!
Canon/Canon Adjacent (not AUs outside general Star Wars universe)
“how to become the spark” by sassy_ninja (G - 49.7k
Poe Dameron, commander of the Resistance fleet, best pilot in the galaxy, hotshot trigger-happy flyboy, he's all of these things plus a little bit more. This is the story Poe Dameron, shy farmboy, doting son, idiot gay, soldier who tries his best not to be broken by the war roaring around him and most of all just a human in a galaxy which doesn't care about things like love, friendship and fear. This is how he breaks and how he begins to heal again and how he starts to learn what it means to be alive. Or Poe Dameron's life from his childhood to the end of the war.
“bathed in blue light” by delgay (M - 17.4k)
When Finn turns to his right, Poe stands beside him, looking up at Finn and giving him what might be a smirk if he weren’t too busy smiling. It’s that same smile that’s made home on his face ever since Finn said, “I’d like to see Yavin IV. If I’d be welcome.”
Poe had blinked fast, but the smile came slow. “Buddy,” he’d replied, “I’m offended that you even had to ask.”
A year after the Battle of Exegol, Finn and Poe visit Yavin IV. While there, Finn struggles with the Force and his complicated relationship with Poe.
“we slept with our backs against the weather” by bogpersons (T - 8.4k)
Poe’s breaths come in stops and starts, and wheezes on the inhale and exhale. He sounds like a dying man. Finn lifts Poe’s hand to his lips, presses it there, squeezes his eye shut. Something harsh and painful swells in his chest, finds a place under his heart and pushes and pushes and pushes until Finn can barely breathe with it. You are a Human Person. Finn and Poe crash on a jungle planet. Finn struggles with himself.
“We Stan A Healthy Family Dynamic (The Kes Verse)” by AphroditesTummyRolls SERIES (Not rated, 161.7k)
Get in losers, we're giving the Star Wars Sequel cast the story they deserved-- Particularly Poe and Finn.
[Set after the events of TFA, rewrites of TLJ and neat little bits in-between. Poe deals with the aftermath Kylo Ren’s interrogation, dealing with regret and trauma, with the help of his friends and dad through a rewrite of TLJ.]
“your love will be safe with me” by incalyscent (T - 8.6k)
when finn stripped away the violence from himself, what did he have left? it was love; love; love.
“i’m yours (and suddenly you’re mine) by spacepilotprince (E - 4.3k)
Finn snorts against Poe's stomach, and it forces a ticklish laugh out of him. “Laying it on a little thick tonight, aren't you?” Finn asks as he looks up at Poe, and finds that grin he heard in his voice.
“Not the only thing that's thick,” Poe says with a smirk, glancing down between them towards Finn's cock.
“Oh, shut up,” Finn laughs, surging up to kiss him, muffling Poe's laughter. Poe runs his hands over Finn's shoulders and tips his head aside, sending Finn's mouth down his jaw and neck.
“Contact” by earthmylikeness (M - 9.9k)
Because what could Finn do but live through it? Live in the remains of his own shipwrecked mind, his badly-crossed wires. Imagine Poe’s perpetually bitten mouth on him - his wide, calloused hands on his bare chest, pulling him down and down whenever he so much as closes his eyes.
Finn has a delayed reaction to surviving the crash.
“Best Laid Efforts” by cosmicocean (T - 3.7k) @cosmicoceanfic
In which Jessika and Temmin do their best, aren't even subtle about it, and Poe and Finn are still morons.
“Ad Pacem” by SteveTrevorsStarship (T - 1.5k)
Finn knows war and rebellion so far. He doesn’t know peace. (Yet.)
“First Comes the Night” by coffeeinallcaps (E - 20.1k)
He doesn’t get nightmares. He doesn’t dream about the mask, the cries of the villagers, waking up in the desert with a blinding headache and his mouth filled with blood and the man who’d saved him gone, most likely dead. Instead, he just can’t sleep.
“have you heard” by peradi (Not rated, 42.1k)
"I heard FN-2187 was a Stormtrooper."
Finn sparks a revolution.
“Doubt” by Cadoan (T - 1.4k)
After the battle of Crait, something has changed in Poe. Poe can't sleep, and Finn goes to find him.
“Neither Here Nor There” by d8rkmessengr (T - 7.8k)
Sometimes, it felt like he wasn't really here. Sometimes, it felt like it wasn't really over. And the one person who tethered him left to finally tell Rey something. Post The Rise of Skywalker.
“How to Be a Finn” by Ayashiki (G - 111k)
In a hindsight, all of it - the stolen childhood, the crash on Jakku, Han Solo's death, even the lightsaber to the back - was easier than living in this world of invisible social clues and inside jokes, the whirlwind of this ragtag family that defied any logic, the caring, the compassion, the love. And all the while people tell him: Finn, you are so brave! Finn, you are so strong! Finn, you are so kind! Finn, thank you for saving my life! And FN-2187 looks to the stars and desperately tries to find this "Finn" everyone seems to know in himself.
“On the Other Side” by StarMaple (T - 27.2k)
Finn discovers the differences first hand between the First Order and the Resistance and establishes a space for himself on D'Qar.
“we are all stardust” by synergenic (Losseflame) (Not rated, 15.3k)
Finn wakes up. He wakes up slow, the rising tide of consciousness making him aware, firstly, of how stale his mouth tastes. Then it's the general stiffness of his body, the foreign feeling of a pillow beneath his head, the softness of the clothes he's wearing. Finn doesn't think he's ever worn clothes so soft.
“No Sleep till Brooklyn” by TheCarrot (T first chapter, second chapter E, - 10.4k)
Poe is exhausted. And not just because he hasn’t slept for more than three hours at a time in Force knows how long. Moreover it’s the 39 flights he’s run in the last 22 days and the fact Pava had gotten deathlike sick eight days ago and then they had fallen behind on a few supply runs and an emergency evacuations of some of their pathfinders and then there had been a last minute scramble to one of their allies in the mid rim with far too many TIEs to be comfortable and then- well, Poe just wants to fall over onto the floor and stay there.
AUs
“Time of the Underdog” by beeeawolf, SERIES. (G & T, 56k)
Modern times AU, Poe is a former Navy pilot who was discharged after a crash and being a POW. Finn is a university student who manages to catch Poe’s run away dog, BB-8, who’s literally everything to him.
“We Didn’t Start the Fire” by MayGlenn and cognomen (E - 10.7k)
There’s a calm that claims them all when they’re working and it’s going the way it’s supposed to; the low-level hum of concentration and focus and adrenaline that keeps them on edge without panic. The crew deploys from Idaho, a home base that they see perhaps 3 weeks out of the entire 26 week fire season, interspersed with time in camps and housing all over the country. This week, it’s California—sunny, liberal, beach lined, and on fire.
Finn's a Hotshot firefighter; Poe's the team Helitack operator. They're headed to California to fight a fire in San Jacinto; dangerous country.
“It’s Not Goodbye” by mssrj_335 (T - 25.9k)
Finn is an ex-soldier on a solo motorcycle trip across America. Poe is the mechanic in a small desert town. Poe wants to keep his secrets and Finn is running from something--or toward it--and the part for his bike is going to take at least a week to come in. What starts as a quick stop and awkward flirt devolves into a conspiratorial intrigue of a very personal nature. Lights in the desert, headaches and vague memories all point Finn to something that has Poe tied in knots. He just has no idea how far that something will take him.
“A Possibility (A Promise)” by sapphistication (T - 5.9k)
Poe, Prince of Yavin, is briefly reunited with the Resistance Fighters lead by General Leia Organa. After three years apart, he quickly finds that his affections for Finn are of a different nature than he remembers. Despite the war they find themselves in, they share a few moments of peace by the fire, filled with soft words and meaningful smiles. Time works against them, but Poe seeks a possibility and makes a promise.
#finnpoe#stormpilot#star wars#finnpoe fic#finnpoe fic rec#stormpilot fic#stormpilot fic rec#stormpilot fic recs#finnpoe fic recs#finn#poe dameron#poefinn#fic rec#fic recs#fic rec list#if you enjoyed any of these please considering rbing this post so others can see!#star wars fic#star wars fic rec#rey#leia organa
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