hit actual rock bottom this weekend. Anthony left to go to california with Amy, my laptop broke, it started snowing again, and my roomates were actual screaming psychopaths all weekend. and I was on my period. and my family is on spring break and i couldn't go with them because i have to go to stupid class. lots of reasons to be upset. I have gotten into a good routine with my diet, but this weekend was my last binge. period. rock bottom: me laying in bed all day watching Fiona and Cake on my iphone while i actual rot in my very messy dirty room and refuse to just go to best buy and get my laptop fixed and let it get dark in my room and masturbate like ten times. uhhh yeah. rock bottom. yesterday i was actualy productive and got my laptop fixed and walked around and stuff, but i ended up drinking that night like a bawce. i recognize now more than ever that drinking alone is so dumb! all i did was write fanfic and watch tiktok. I could tell i was actually drunk when i was sipping on water but didn't even remember picking it up. I think I got really frustrated last night, but i can't remember what about. I know I chewed and spit like ten slices of bread and had an asian rice crispy treat, which is kind of baller of my drunk self to know not to binge. Idk. I just didn't want to waste it-- the weight loss, i mean, not the food. pound my miserable pound, it's working this time. I just have to keep going.

I never want to hit rock bottom again.

hi I'm sorry it's been so long. I was in a really bad headspace all throughout February and binged five out of seven days of the week, cried a lot, and hated myself for not being able to starve. And I did try to starve; that's what triggered my binges. there's also the fact that Braden messaged me out of nowhere which made me spiral and. I don't know. there was a lot. I am glad Braden doesn't hate me but I resent him for reaching out and pretending nothing had happened between us. Which I told him. Whether that was a mistake or not, I'm not sure, but I'm glad I spoke my mind at the very least and reminded him that he was a shitbag to me, regardless of if it makes me seem like I'm still hung up on things.

School is also hell. Is there such thing as early onset senioritus? I've gotten back into watching Ryan Twomey's van life videos and I am fully dedicated to getting a job this summer and saving up to do that. I want to be a cart girl. and if I have to, I'll be a server. I need to save up 2,000 to be able to do van life once I graduate and not touch it at all. Um. yeah. But school is hell and classes are worse. I hate everyone around me and I wish everyone would just shut the fuck up all the time. especially my professor. :( he's really dumb and super opinionated and it bothers me because I never agree with him, like, everrrr. He is hypocritical. Um. We're reading about a book today that he says is "problematic" but he's just fucking stupid. i'm trying not to care but I just get really mad when people are wrong but truly believe that they are right (especially when it's an opinion!).

Spring break was really nice :) it got me out of my bad headspace. I liked being with my family even though hailey was kind of mean a lot and I binged for two days BUT the sandwiches were literally the best sandwiches I've ever had. I'd love to have one right now. I've started my diet again, and that's okay. I just have to stick to it and I'll lose weight, also I'm only weighing myself once a week from now on.

getting pissed, bad headspace because I'm in this stupid fucking class. TTYL.

It's been a minute. Sorry.

Valentines day was awesome. Me and Anthony made chips and guac the day before that, and then on the 13th we had our annual valentines wing night and I fucked up those honey barbecue wings. we also watch jurassic park and he liked it :) on actual valentines day we... uh. what did we do. uh. oh yeah we cuddled and I had cauliflower rice for the first time with crab and sriracha and mayo and seaweed and Anthony got rancheritos. Thus marks the beginning of my grind after I gained weight from it and starting being in an intense deficit and working off every calorie at the gym/with steps. I got out of 109 hell and into 107 which I'm trying to work off now. School has been lame as hell. I have my full class workshop on tuesday and I'm nervous about it but it's a lot better than the girl who is going with me so uh yeah, that's fine. it doesn't really matter what people think of me or my writing at the end of the day. I just need to get through the workshop and then i'm homefree.

I'm so stupidly ready to go back home. I read Frankenstein, They Both Die at the End, Where the Crawdads Sing, and I'm halfway through Bones and All. I am trying to get through them so I can take some back with me and leave them at home. Anyway, where the crawdads sing mentioned southern food and heat and nature on every single page and it made me miss home so bad. if I really want good southern food while I'm at home and I'm too lazy to make it, all I have to do is drive literally 20 minutes away to Homewood and get it made for me at that awesome resturant that has a new menu every day. what do they call it? a meat and two sides place? sighhhhhh. It's really cool how soul food and southern food overlaps. I wish I could eat it rn.... that would be a binge I could withstand.

but overall I just want to be out of this awful cold. It's still grey, still freezing, still bleak. I called it that in a poem for class-- "Valentine-bleak"-- and everyone was like wooowww such good wording I love that!! even though in my head Valentines is the least bleak thing about all of winter. I just thought it sounded cool. ugh. I hate everyone.

I started watch h2o and it's really good. I ordered the necklaces from aliexpress lol and I'm getting rikki's (hot pink though) and hailey is getting cleo's blue one. I also ordered a red tank top because it was three dollars. I hope it's cute. uhhhhh oh yeah, I'm trying to get to at least 100 pounds by the time I go home. It's not hard as long as I STARVE. i tried to today but then me and anthony got raising canes and I'd never had it before and I wanted to try it. The verdict: Zaxby's is SO MUCH BETTER. the seasoning, sauce, and fries are all peak compared to Cane's. No fucking wonder western people love bland-ass Cane's-- they have no idea what they're missing. I hate the elitism people have out here. like, of course you think Americans have no culture. It's cause you're from white-ass mormon-ass Utah. travel ANYWHERE ELSE in the united states and you will find culture that are beyond lush and diverse. Step one foot in the south and you'll be stomping your foot to a folk song, drinking canned beer, and craving fried okra with your bland-ass raising canes.

I've grown very cynical lately. I don't think I'll get over this until I can be in the sunshine, eat homemade acai bowls for breakfast, ride a bike, wear a bikini by our pool, hang out with hailey, or be woken up by cicada song at 8 in the morning. fleetwood mac, fruit smoothies, mermaids, freckles, bike riding, the wind in my hair, sunset walks, spontaneous trips to the beach.

by the way, it hit me that this shit is just high school and middle school all over again. popular people hogging attention by saying dumbass shit, and me in the corner hating them. Is that an indication of who will be successful? sigh. I want to go home.

today in class my professor is talking about "what does success mean to you" and how that relates to writing-- whether writing is a part of you, how if your dream is to be a published author you have to work your ass off, how he sometimes hates writing, the struggle of writing when under contract and being forced to write books, how we should focus on the tiny, manageable successes rather than the big ones-- and this is all well and good. but while a majority of the class listens and discusses with him, there's one girl in the back of the class who is actually writing.

I’m wondering now what people in the future will think of us. Does our society sit at the mouth of ancient? Of juvenile? Of neoteny? Is our technology that of Prometheus or of Pandora? 

I often think of how we’re all wasting our lives away on this technology– how we spend hours scrolling and swiping, addicted to screens we know are poisoning our minds. But we also open our mouths and talk. We break through the half-frozen top layer of snow that forms after a night's rain with our fast-fashion boots. We are starved for reality, yes– but we are also still in it. 

I’d like to think that future generations learn from our mistakes and refuse to grieve their wasted lives; they could very well walk away from that which is a chosen prison. 

But maybe they don’t. Maybe this is the last iteration of humanity that will crunch that unbroken snow and breathe winter air and suffer for the removal from the artificial.

dieting? sucks. dieting while dealing with chronic headaches? double sucks.

reevaluated my diet plan- I'm going to have no more than 550 cals per day until the ides of march, which should get me to about 100 by then. something I struggle with is working out, which is lame as hell, because the more I work out, the more I can eat.

this weekend was good and boring. I made japanese milk bread which is so. fucking. good. I'm never making normal bread again. Me and Anthony ate chinese food for chinese new year and I gave him a red envelope with a letter. we went to the store and were going to make guac last night, but we forgot to buy cilantro. he got a blender from tj max and i'm very happy for him.

school is really hard and I have a lot to get done today. :(

february just sucks. I was thinking about van life yesterday and how I still want to do it, and I was also thinking about, like duhhh of course you wanted to do van life so badly last year-- I am and was trapped indoors constantly and the terrain outside is brutal and inhabitable, of course I longed for adventure in a bright green, beachy, rainy place. I keep repeating this to myself: "my adventurous spirit will not die here; one day, I will be there." I have to be there one day. I promised myself I would.

speaking of promises, I'm trying to separte the "I" in my head that gets me to do things, and the "me" who hates doing them. It sounds kind of dumb, but I think with practice, it will work. Like, if I don't want to go to the gym, I'll just use that "I" part of me and take control and say "hey, I know you don't want to go to the gym, but we really should go. Don't worry, I'll do all the work. I'll get us on the treadmill and you can just read a book while I work out." does that make sense?

woke up with a migraine this morning. I hate chronic headaches.

mannnn it's been a long week. started starving again like a boss. it's hard but at the same time, it's really, really not. It's deceptively simple. All you have to do is not eat. The problem, then, doesn't come from the food-- it comes from the will. it comes from pain tolerance. I struggle with being hungry because my pain tolerance is low (both emotionally and physically). I'm very strong for pushing through this. Speaking of which, I usually tend to binge/give up 2-3 days into dieting, and this is my third day. I'm paying close attention to my body and mind's cues to shut that down asap. This morning, I had a migraine, and I desperately wanted to eat something (i wasn't even hungry) just so I could take medicine. But instead, I took a shower and drank a protein drink bc I was feeling too weak to even pick up the shampoo bottle. I didn't eat-- although I did have some necessary calories to stop me from passing out when I walk across the quad. I didn't eat. That's all I'm trying to say.

Read the wrong version (1831 instead of 1818) of Frankenstein in front of the class and I wanted to die. Have to recite a passage of Frankenstein 1 on 1 for my professor tomorrow and I'm pretty nervous. I'm trying to tell myself it's not that deep. it's only 5 points-- 5 points of our final, yes, but even if I get a 0 (unlikely) that will still leave me at least 95 points to get.

i really don't like my roommates. They use my pots/pans, screamlaugh into dark hours of the night, and watch movies until 2am on a school night. The food they make stinks like onions and meat and I get scared that's what I smell like to other people. If I lived alone, I'd be so much happier. I've made bagels like 3 times in the past week. Baking is my new favorite hobby. it's funny, though, because I'm on a diet. It's okay. Anthony finally got to try them and he said he wishes he could wake up to my fresh bagels every morning :) I said "maybe someday." Sighhh. I hope that's true.

y 109.4 pounds this morning. I'm trying to get to 100 by March 8. That means I only have 30 (exactly 30!) days to get there. going to have to do some math, but I have to lose close to half a pound a day to get there.

but I will get there.

Anthony is like a more mature version of Braden in the sense that he actually had to endure hardship as a child and wasn't raised to be a spoiled, undisciplined brat. His mother died when he was a toddler. His father worked all the time. His brother and sister were the ones taking care of him on a day to day basis. That's not to say there was a lack of love; there was an abundance of it. But it was this love in the face of genuine struggle and loneliness that turned him into the person he is today: enduring, playful, sweet, adoring of his family, a relaxed disposition. All of these are traits that Braden had. The difference is that Anthony actually means them.

The mountains are one of my favorite places. Actually, that’s not true.  The canyon is my favorite place. The dusty gravel paths, the rotting deer bones, the fragrant juniper trees, the river made of snow water that winds all the way to Bear Lake, purple flowers that only bloom in May, the dry heat and dry cold. Every path leads somewhere no one has ever stepped before– only the deer and rabbits who have strong enough fur to survive the tundra. 

I do not have that strength. 

Unlike the canyon, the mountains are much less habitable. I wish I knew a better word, but I don’t. When I walked to class today, the fog was so thick that I couldn’t see anything below the campus. We reside on a hill above all of Logan. When the clouds settle around us, it is as if we are the only ones in the world. The last survivors of chernobyl. Purgatory. But the natural world is much more terrifying than the human mind. The fog is more terrifying than nuclear fallout, than a place in between a starving hell and hungry life. The fog restricts visions of all things besides those mountains. 

The canyon is one of my favorite places, but winter drains me of all motivation to venture into what once was a place of solace. Cold drives the warmth out of everything– even our hearts, our happiness. Our ability to function with a clear head. It’s not just winter that drives me out; the mountains themselves are deterrents of their own. 

The maw, gaping. This is what I’ve wanted to talk about the whole time. The dark jaw of the mountains, two sides gaping sideways like a clawed mouth, dark trees like dark and rotten teeth. White ice. Cold. 

I tried to go inside. I did. It was night, and I was lonely, tired of hearing the voices of my roommates screaming about murder on the dance floor. My white Rav4 with its two wheel drive and half a tank of gas made the drive over slush into the entrance of Green Canyon. I could not fathom how dark it was. So dark, that night did indeed reflect off its snow, and the rest of it was blacker than blind. I was in awe, and in total horror. My mouth hung open while the mountain’s gaped. How do those deer and rabbits do it? How do they walk with soft paws and sharp hooves against that ice, never falling, never wanting for warmth? Maybe they do fall, though. I’ve seen enough deer bodies on the sides of the mountain paths to know that even nature’s residents are not infallible. 

Mountains and canyons are for summer. In winter, they are nothing but hungry.

attack on titan is genuinely one of the most meaningful, moving pieces of art ever in the history of creation. I need to watch Monster and the original Fullmetal next.

Today Anthony left to go to Amy's for the weekend. I strongly encouraged him to go and made japanese milk bread dough to take with him. After he left, I went to winco and spent 60 dollars on groceries (ugh). then I lazed around for forever, facetimed mom and hailey, facetimed anthony, showered, lazed, made dough for bagels, cleaned my room, shaped the bagels, blah blah blah boooiiillled the bagels, baked the bagels. Very arduous, but I would say it's super worth it. It's way cheaper and much more delicious to make your own bagels.

My roommates are having a salt burn party tomorrow. Low key nervous about it bc I have nowhere to go tomorrow night to escape. I made salmon sushi rice stuff tonight and I think when I was cooking the salmon Jimena and Abby and Randy were making fun of me quietly. And then they all started coughing very dramatically and they were like "hmm is something in the air?" My assumption is because it smelled like fish i guess. But when I walked into the apartment right before I started cooking, it smelled like actual stale ass and crackers, so they have zero room to talk. I saw their pot and it looked like they made some yellow creamy gritsy looking pasta?? it was gross. But anyway, my food was delicious and I want to omad it every day.

This week was crazy busy. I wrote a 20 page creative writing assignment and turned it in, a thesis for my lit class, and a three page paper with citations for my research class. that's not to mention the small annoying assignments for the other classes. Man, it was a lot. I'm planning on relaxing like crazy this weekend. I thought about picking up on some basic italian before we go this summer. I think I really want to. I just have to give up phone time for italian time. I'm sure it will be a lot easier to pick up than japanese.

I'll let you know how the party goes. Maybe I'll show up with some fucking antlers tomorrow and poison everyone's drinks.

why the fuck do I have “for he’s a jolly good fellow” in my head

I want to watch the labyrinth and eat egg-cheese-grits and nachos. Just got to my writing class and I’m feeling insecure about my story :( I should have written something more provocative and thoughtful. I wrote a fun story and now everyone is going to think I have no depth. Weeeehhhhhhhhhh. It’s okay though I’m still better than everyone. Dieting is so hard but I started doing omad and I like it so far. I just have to start working out with it too, but I’ve been so busy lately I just haven’t had the time. Maybe if I finish everything tonight I’ll watch labyrinth and omad something really yummy (omad lemon loaf and rice krispie last night.. not a great idea esp when I ate rice and Chinese sausage and kimchi right after. ) I lovvvve my food scale. It’s so helpful to measure things in grams!!

yknow if you think about it.. Chuuya and Levi are really, really similar.

I guess I wish I knew whether he still hated me. What he thinks of me. If he still considers me that pathetic 15 year old. If he even thinks of me at all.

He got closure. I did not.

I've been listening to attack on titan music like crazy. I'm having Levi Ackerman brainrot. There's something very old-gay about him and Erwin- military leather-esque culture about that. I mean, not that I;m crazy about that ship. Just an observation.

Attack on Titan makes me want to throw up with how utterly sad it is. I think it's pretty telling of what I'm going through when I get back into AOT. aka, I'm in a bad headspace. That's when I consume painful media, like MCR and Alex G and AOT and, ugh, I can't think of anything else but it's just true.

So Ist Es Immer on repeat, repeat, repeat. It's so pretty. I want to sing it to my baby one day.