i don't know, i feel like lately i've been getting better at... doing things that are difficult? not to sound like a toddler, but it's so fucking hard to get myself to do things, even if i desperately want to do them, and like yeah i know that's Executive Dysfunction, it's just very hard for me to wrap my head around. putting under a readmore because i'm just shooting my mouth in multi-paragraph format.

i have lately been able to brute force Activities with much more success. stimulant is a help, not so much in terms of direct cognitive functioning as much as indirectly by making me less devastatingly tired at all times. i still have little control over the direction of my focus and get stuck doing things a lot, both enjoyable things and unenjoyable things. and things that were enjoyable and then they eventually become unenjoyable and i still can't stop. and et cetera. i jokingly say free will is a sham, because it has always felt on various levels that i have somehow, physically and metaphysically and whatever, not had access to the same level of free will as my peers. shoutout to that person who posted their 'tourette's and free will' thesis online and altered my vocabulary on that front forever lmao.

but like... i've been doing pretty consistent work on some translation, and when i finish this piece i'll submit it and hopefully i'll be able to build my portfolio with a volunteering opportunity with this organization that will post my occasional translations of articles with my name attached. i've been playing chess (not well, I'll say, but i've been studying and practicing). i've finished a couple art pieces (small drawings mostly, except for the camel i whittled over many days and weeks!). been practicing arabic almost every day, and reading on grammar on days that i'm not directly practicing vocab and such. i took a six week intensive stats class during the summer and i worked my ass off and got a B+ (note that i hadn't taken any math class since literally a decade ago). i've stuck this master gardener program class through to the end, and i just need to finish my volunteering hours within the next year (that will absolutely Not be a problem) and i'll be a proper master gardener in my county. i've spent most saturday mornings (early because i am the earliest timezone lmao) this past year since about april, with a couple months' break, playing a logh strategy board game. i moved out and have been handling it.

i think, and i don't want to exaggerate, but like. i have been deeply affected in the past by failure and having to drop out of things or simply not do things because of overwhelm and inability to keep up. i missed out on being definitely cast in a college theater production because of dumb shit on my end. i made it onto an international model united nations team that was going to go to the czech republic and poland to compete, but had to drop. i was going to double major, but couldn't swing it. i took six years to do a bachelor's degree that normally takes people three (four, if they double major), and did a summer language immersion program that i was burnt out so spectacularly by that i was paying for it for YEARS after. i spent all that time literally surviving that i learned approximately no arabic. definitely didn't go to jordan the year after that to study like literally everyone else in my program. all of the volunteer and internship opportunities i could not follow through upon because i simply COULD not, physically or mentally, do them.

i don't know, people are always like 'you've accomplished so much!' which like, yeah, i've definitely accomplished things, i never mean to discount the things i've done! but people have always said so as if it cancels out the devastation of being so close with these other things that i desperately wanted to do and almost did but then didn't because of various internal reasons. and then the feeling, simply out of habit, that, oh, why bother with this thing, you're not going to make it through. there's also a certain patronizing tone that people couch their words with when talking to me about, oh, sweaty, remember that you have your problems. you have SUCH a beautiful brain and i can tell how soooo smart you are as you struggle to communicate with your words. I'll Fucking Kill You With My Hands.

but. anyway. this is the first time i've ever felt like i've come close to actually thriving, despite some troubles with health that are going to come occasionally in inevitable waves, but i got through it. i supported myself financially, and i am living my life on this wretched and beautiful earth.

i changed the goalpost of this from 'doing immediately effortful things' and 'accomplishing goals' but honestly they're in the same enough vein that they occupy the same part of my heart, which is hopefully beginning to fuckin heal after the constant and pervasive disappointment in myself lmao. and some of that is learning to not be disappointed in myself, i guess. things happen, and there are people who have it worse than i've described above, certainly. i've been putting together some grad school apps, so here's to trying again at some shit because i am allowed to and because i probably have the ability to do it.

it’s difficult to be a dom with anarchist leanings.

my sub will be like “i have to tell you something... i broke a rule. i’ll accept whatever punishment you see fit.” and i’m like. rise up comrade you have nothing to lose but your padded restraints. no doms no masters. oh you want me to spank you. yeah i can do that.

as soon as I'm done watching a movie

i'm sorry but i don't think we should call this the "autism website" when there's still posts with tons of notes mocking people who:

struggle with social skills / have anxiety around social settings

are unemployed / unable to work certain jobs

have intense or "age-inappropriate" interests

haven't had certain life experiences that are deemed universal/essential

struggle with personal hygiene

don't have any friends or dating experience

don't go outside much or at all

take things literally / don't get sarcasm/jokes

have unusual ways of speaking

generally aren't "normal"

Stephanie: "Did you get it?"

Tim, scoffing: "Of course I did. *unwraps the vase from bubble wrap* It's the exact same, one of the three original vases made."

Stephanie: "Wait. The old one had a nick, right there on the shoulder. *uses a Batarang to recreate it* There."

Tim, setting it down carefully and smiling: "Perfect. I think we just got away with it."

Jason, reading on the couch: "He'll know."

Stephanie: "How? You'd have to--"

Alfred: "Is there anything you guys want for dinner?"

Tim and Stephanie, immediately: "No."

Alfred, frowning slightly: "Very well." He walked over, both Tim and Stephanie trying to play it cool as the butler adjusted the vase on the table.

Jason looked up from his book.

Alfred: "I'll remind you again, Master Timothy that skateboards are not permitted inside the house."

Jason cackled at the expression that Tim and Stephanie made.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Bruce: "How did you know? Technically speaking, it's the same vase."

Alfred: "I have a contact at the auction house where you bought the second one years ago."

Bruce, clearing his throat: "Yeah, Jason accidentally kicked a ball into it."

Alfred, raising an eyebrow: "He threw a Batarang at it because you wanted to make him more comfortable."

Bruce:

Alfred: "I do wish you'd all stop adding that nick back."

CHARON CONFIRMED SHOPKEEPER IN HADES 2 BUT ALSO

Hermes is missing?

AND CHARON NEEDS COMFORTED OVER IT???

im already out of my mind about it

The most beautiful thing about Drawtectives is that you can choose any combination and you will be right. But no way I'm ignoring a beautiful garb next to York.

The @tmntaucompetition is no place for a tiny tot to be left alone, especially with all these rowdy teens running amok. My heart just broke when I saw little Kid Leo crying, @angelpuns and @red-rover-au, and I knew Replica Leo's would too. Problem is they're probably going to be searching for a while cuz Replica Leo is looking for other unsupervised children. Oops.

This is in response to these couple of threads I've seen going around: COMIC 1 - COMIC 2 - COMIC 3 - COMIC 4 - COMIC 5

You kids need to all calm down!

there's something so poetic about coyote vs acme being the thing that causes wb's 'the producers' ass scheme of shitcanning movies for tax breaks to blow up in their face and cause them to turn to the camera, blink twice, and dissolve into a little pile of ash that their eyes fall down into with a little bounce

We all know at this point that the name Astarion is connected to the word "star" (starry or little star).

But Larian decided that they wanted to go all in with the details and they delivered!

The flower you can place on his tomb in the final romance scene (which I think is such a cute and tender gesture and I love his reaction to it), seems to be an Ornithogalum umbellatum, a star-shaped white flower with six petals. Among the plant's many common names, there are summer snowflake, starflower, and star-of-Bethlehem.

Moreover, in the language of flowers, its meanings are related to trauma, mourning, and welcoming pain without repressing it.

According to Doctor Edward Bach (1886 – 1936), these flowers are "For those who find themselves in a state of great anguish due to situations that, in a given period, have caused so much unhappiness", and can be used to help with the aftermath of a trauma, the alleviation of pain and the mourning process.

Edit: every time I see an artist include this flower in their Astarion fanart my heart swells with joy. Love this community

"I'm very good at forgiveness. It's one of my favorite things."

LET THE BOY HAVE AN EDUCATION

officially at the point where we're starting to see where it's all headed and I am just going NYEEHEEHEE in delight at it all. ahhh...next week can't come soon enough...

someone probably said this already but in spiderverse i think it's interesting how when pavitr was first introduced everyone thought something bad was gonna happen to him bc of how confident and optimistic he was. and then in the actual movie we see that something bad was supposed to happen to him (police chief dying!) but it doesn't! miles stops it! and miguel berates miles for this, says it's going to cause the universe to collapse or whatever.

there's this idea that tragedy is inherent to spidermans growth, and while it's true that some spiderpeople learn important lessons through loss, no one stops to ask, is it really necessary? yeah, maybe the chief was supposed to die. but why does spiderman have to be formed through tragedy? why do we (as heroes) have to let people die? pavitr didn't lose anyone, and he's still a good spiderman! maybe, if he doesn't suffer, he'll end up better off for it!

so while miguel is arguing for all this big picture stuff about saving the multiverse he's lost sight of what it really means to be a spiderman, he's not looking out for the real individual people. yeah it's just one person who would die, but that one person means something to someone. shrugging and saying "stuff just sucks sometimes, we can't do anything about it" is the opposite of what superheroes do. pretty obviously, miles arc is also a reflection of the struggles people face in real life, working within unequal systems, where it's easy to shrug and say "that's just the way it is" and not ask "but why does it need be this way? can't we do something about it?"

miguel is arguing that you can't have your cake and eat it too. presumably, miles and co. are going to find a way to get around that and change things for the better (and maybe that's why miles has that line about two cakes in the advisors office!)