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yeniayofnymeria · 4 years

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Which Stark daughter needed special attention? Arya or Sansa?

After Ned and His Love For His Children, i wanted to discuss about Arya’s and Sansa’s KL life...

I have read that some Sansa fans often claim that Sansa was traumatized at KL and Ned was a terrible father as he preferred to constantly take care of Arya instead of this daughter in need of attention.

The main reason for Sansa's alleged trauma is often attributed to the Lady's death. So, who is the Stark girl who was traumatized and depressed after the Mycah and Lady incident? Is it Sansa or Arya?

For this we will do something very simple, we will read the books (please don't read the pirate book where the character names are replaced, I'm talking about real books).

Just after the incident ...

When she saw him, she cried out and began to sob.

Ned went to one knee and took her in his arms. She was shaking. “I’m sorry,” she sobbed, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”

“I know,” he said. She felt so tiny in his arms, nothing but a scrawny little girl. It was hard to see how she had caused so much trouble. “Are you hurt?”

After Mycah incident, Arya escapes the Lannister men alone in the forest for 3 days. She's hungry, scared and doesn't know what to do. Imagine being the star of a witch hunt when you were 8 years old, she probably even thought she would be killed when caught.

She blinked at her sister, then at the young prince. “I don’t know,” she said tearfully, looking as though she wanted to bolt. “I don’t remember. Everything happened so fast, I didn’t see...”

“You rotten!” Arya shrieked. She flew at her sister like an arrow, knocking Sansa down to the ground, pummeling her. “Liar, liar, liar, liar.”

“Arya, stop it!” Ned shouted. Jory pulled her off her sister, kicking. Sansa was pale and shaking as Ned lifted her back to her feet. “Are you hurt?” he asked, but she was staring at Arya, and she did not seem to hear.

Sansa was brought into the hall by her father to verify Arya. There is no doubt that Sansa was scared by this incident. We know she told her father everything when things were just happening, but now Sansa doesn't want to be here and is in a difficult situation ... because she has a sister on the one hand and her fiance on the other. She has to make a choice between the two, and this is emotionally challenging for Sansa, of course, this why there is tears in her eyes. As a result, though, Sansa chooses Joffrey and lies. This causes the Lady's death, and the slander on Mycah and Arya is not cleared. Arya, too, is enraged by her sister's betrayal of her and attacks her.

That was when Sansa finally seemed to comprehend. Her eyes were frightened as they went to her father. “He doesn’t mean Lady, does he?” She saw the truth on his face. “No,” she said. “No, not Lady, Lady didn’t bite anybody, she’s good...”

“Lady wasn’t there,” Arya shouted angrily. “You leave her alone!”

“Stop them,” Sansa pleaded, “don’t let them do it, please, please, it wasn’t Lady, it was Nymeria, Arya did it, you can’t, it wasn’t Lady, don’t let them hurt Lady, I’l make her be good, I promise, I promise...” She started to cry.

The reaction of the two sisters for the Lady. Naturally, Sansa reacts more to the harm to Lady because Lady is her wolf and innocent. As a result, Mycah and Lady die. This situation is very bad and sad for both Stark daughters.

What happened after the Stark girls came to KL? How long has this situation left them permanently damaged?

Sansa’s eyes had grown wide as the plates. “A tourney,” she breathed. She was seated between Septa Mordane and Jeyne Poole, as far from Arya as she could get without drawing a reproach from Father. “Wil we be permitted to go, Father?”

“You know my feelings, Sansa. It seems I must arrange Robert’s games and pretend to be honored for his sake. That does not mean I must subject my daughters to this fol y.”

“Oh, please,” Sansa said. “I want to see.”

Our first view of the two sisters after Trident. After hearing the news of the King's Hand tournament, Sansa is excited and wants to participate. After all, it is one of the places where knights play a leading role in songs and stories ...

What about Arya?

“I don’t care about their stupid tourney,” Arya said. She knew Prince Joffrey would be there, and she hated Prince Joffrey.

Sansa lifted her head. “It will be a splendid event. You shan’t be wanted.”

Anger flashed across Father’s face. “Enough, Sansa. More of that and you will change my mind. I am weary unto death of this endless war you two are fighting. You are sisters. I expect you to behave like sisters, is that understood?”

Sansa bit her lip and nodded. Arya lowered her face to stare sullenly at her plate. She could feel tears stinging her eyes. She rubbed them away angrily, determined not to cry.

The only sound was the clatter of knives and forks. “Pray excuse me,” her father announced to the table. “I find I have smal appetite tonight.” He walked from the hall.

After he was gone, Sansa exchanged excited whispers with Jeyne Poole.

...

No one talked to Arya. She didn’t care. She liked it that way. She would have eaten her meals alone in her bedchamber if they let her. Sometimes they did, when Father had to dine with the king or some lord or the envoys from this place or that place. The rest of the time, they ate in his solar, just him and her and Sansa. That was when Arya missed her brothers most. She wanted to tease Bran and play with baby Rickon and have Robb smile at her. She wanted Jon to muss up her hair and cal her “little sister” and finish her sentences with her. But al of them were gone.

She had no one left but Sansa, and Sansa wouldn’t even talk to her unless Father made her.

...

This was the first time they had supped with the men since arriving in King’s Landing. Arya hated it. She hated the sounds of their voices now, the way they laughed, the stories they told. They’d been her friends, she’d felt safe around them, but now she knew that was a lie. They’d let the queen kill Lady, that was horrible enough, but then the Hound found Mycah. Jeyne Poole had told Arya that he’d cut him up in so many pieces that they’d given him back to the butcher in a bag, and at first the poor man had thought it was a pig they’d slaughtered. And no one had raised a voice or drawn a blade or anything, not Harwin who always talked so bold, or Alyn who was going to be a knight, or Jory who was captain of the guard. Not even her father.

“He was my friend,” Arya whispered into her plate, so low that no one could hear. Her ribs sat there untouched, grown cold now, a thin film of grease congealing beneath them on the plate. Arya looked at them and felt il .

She pushed away from the table.“Pray, where do you think you are going, young lady?” Septa Mordane asked.

“I’m not hungry.” Arya found it an effort to remember her courtesies. “May I be excused, please?” she recited stiffly.

...

When the bar was down, Arya finally felt safe enough to cry.

She went to the window seat and sat there, sniffling, hating them all, and herself most of all. It was al her fault, everything bad that had happened. Sansa said so, and Jeyne too.

Arya isn't as excited about the tournament and her KL life as Sansa, and unlike her older sister, she doesn't want to be here. Arya is feeling very lonely right now because she feels so alone after what happened, Sansa prefers not to talk to her unless she has to. At such moments, Arya misses her other siblings.

In general, we see Arya trying to isolate herself from other people, and we often read that she is on the brink of crying crisis. These are often signs of the onset of depression; low interest in activities, deep sadness, pessimism, desire to cry, not enjoying anything, guilt, desire to be with loved ones again, loss of appetite ... In short, we see that Arya is in a very bad emotional situation.

Arya desperately wanted to explain, to make him see. “I was trying to learn, but...” Her eyes filled with tears. “I asked Mycah to practice with me.” The grief came on her al at once. She turned away, shaking. “I asked him,” she cried. “It was my fault, it was me...”

Suddenly her father’s arms were around her. He held her gently as she turned to him and sobbed against his chest. “No, sweet one,” he murmured. “Grieve for your friend, but never blame yourself. You did not kil the butcher’s boy. That murder lies at the Hound’s door, him and the cruel woman he serves.”

“I hate them,” Arya confided, red-faced, sniffling. “The Hound and the queen and the king and Prince Joffrey. I hate al of them. Joffrey lied, it wasn’t the way he said. I hate Sansa too. She did remember, she just lied so Joffrey would like her.”

...

“Let me tel you something about wolves, child. When the snows fall and the white winds blow, the lone wolf dies, but the pack survives. Summer is the time for squabbles. In winter, we must protect one another, keep each other warm, share our strengths. So if you must hate, Arya, hate those who would truly do us harm. Septa Mordane is a good woman, and Sansa... Sansa is your sister. You may be as different as the sun and the moon, but the same blood flows through both your hearts. You need her, as she needs you... and I need both of you, gods help me.”

He sounded so tired that it made Arya sad. “I don’t hate Sansa,” she told him. “Not truly.” It was only half a lie.

“I do not mean to frighten you, but neither will I lie to you. We have come to a dark dangerous place, child. This is not Winterfel . We have enemies who mean us ill. We cannot fight a war among ourselves. This willfulness of yours, the running off, the angry words, the disobedience... at home, these were only the summer games of a child. Here and now, with winter soon upon us, that is a different matter. It is time to begin growing up.”

“I will,” Arya vowed. She had never loved him so much as she did in that instant. “I can be strong too. I can be as strong as Robb.”

He held Needle out to her, hilt first. “Here.. ”

She looked at the sword with wonder in her eyes. For a moment she was afraid to touch it, afraid that if she reached for it it would be snatched away again, but then her father said, “Go on, it’s yours,” and she took it in her hand.

“I can keep it?” she said. “For true?”

“For true.” He smiled. “If I took it away, no doubt I’d find a morningstar hidden under your pillow within the fortnight. Try not to stab your sister, whatever the provocation.”

“I won’t. I promise.” Arya clutched Needle tightly to her chest as her father took his leave.

The next morning, as they broke their fast, she apologized to Septa Mordane and asked for her pardon. The septa peered at her suspiciously, but Father nodded.

Arya was on the verge of depression after a traumatic event as I mentioned above during her early days in KL. She was emotionally damaged. The result was that her friend was murdered terribly, the Lady was killed despite her innocence, and she had to drive Nymeria away from her, and Sansa never spoke properly to Arya again. It wouldn't be entirely wrong to say that Sansa and Jeyne also fed Arya's depression. They were constantly blaming Arya for everything that was going on, and Arya begins to blame herself on everything because she was emotionally traumatized.

She only gets out of this situation after her father realizes and speaks to her... Ned also allows Arya to take sword lessons to help her recover.

During this time, Sansa ...

Sansa rode to the Hand’s tourney with Septa Mordane and Jeyne Poole, in a litter with curtains of yellow silk so fine she could see right through them. They turned the whole world gold. Beyond the city walls, a hundred pavilions had been raised beside the river, and the common folk came out in the thousands to watch the games. The splendor of it al took Sansa’s breath away; the shining armor, the great chargers caparisoned in silver and gold, the shouts of the crowd, the banners snapping in the wind... and the knights themselves, the knights most of all.

“It is better than the songs,” she whispered when they found the places that her father had promised her, among the high lords and ladies. Sansa was dressed beautiful y that day, in a green gown that brought out the auburn of her hair, and she knew they were looking at her and smiling.

Sansa fulfills one of her dreams and gets the chance to watch the knights and heroes in the stories she heard. So happy and excited.

When Prince Joffrey seated himself to her right, she felt her throat tighten. He had not spoken a word to her since the awful thing had happened, and she had not dared to speak to him. At first she thought she hated him for what they’d done to Lady, but after Sansa had wept her eyes dry, she told herself that it had not been Joffrey’s doing, not truly. The queen had done it; she was the one to hate, her and Arya. Nothing bad would have happened except for Arya.

She could not hate Joffrey tonight. He was too beautiful to hate.

Do I have to make a special comment for this, I don't know. We have no doubt that Sansa felt sorry and cried for what happened and she was very sad that day too, and she even hated Cersei for a while and thought to hate Joffrey too, but then (she gave up because he was so beautiful) she was just hated Arya. She decided to hate her, it was all her fault. This is a typical mechanism of denial and reflection ... Actually the main culprits are Joffrey and Cersei, but the people Sansa preferred to blame are Arya and Mycah.

The servants kept the cups filled all night, yet afterward Sansa could not recall ever tasting the wine. She needed no wine. She was drunk on the magic of the night, giddy with glamour, swept away by beauties she had dreamt of al her life and never dared hope to know. Singers sat before the king’s pavilion, filling the dusk with music. A juggler kept a cascade of burning clubs spinning through the air. The king’s own fool, the pie-faced simpleton called Moon Boy, danced about on stilts, al in motley, making mock of everyone with such deft cruelty that Sansa wondered if he was simple after al . Even Septa Mordane was helpless before him; when he sang his little song about the High Septon, she laughed so hard she spilled wine on herself.

And Joffrey was the soul of courtesy. He talked to Sansa all night, showering her with compliments, making her laugh, sharing little bits of court gossip, explaining Moon Boy’s japes.

Sansa was so captivated that she quite forgot all her courtesies and ignored Septa Mordane, seated to her left.

This last quote reveals Sansa's mental state more clearly. His situation is fine, he is happy, excited, living in his dreams ... he has forgotten everything and everyone. In short, Sansa does not have a traumatic situation, emotionally, like Arya, she has not received any long-term damage.

Sansa didn't care for Mycah anyway, so she never thinks of him, and Lady ... cried a lot for her but now she is happy. Do not misunderstanding, there is no one who says that Sansa should live in grief forever, of course she has to leave this bad incident behind and look forward, but if there are claims like she was traumatized because of the Lady, depressed because of her, then we need to see Sansa is always in sorrow, pessimistic and constantly crying. We did not see. Sansa seems to have gotten through all that quickly, my KL is quickly caught up in her magical world and floating in her dreams ...

As a result, we saw that the two Stark girls were saddened, cried and grieved at the time of the incident, but it is not Sansa, who suffer trauma for a long time, it's Arya. So it is natural for Ned to be more concerned with the traumatized Arya, because she needs more special attention. After talking to Arya, Arya's situation quickly improves, and Ned does not need to pay special attention after that. How does that make Ned a terrible father? We are talking about a father who comes to the aid of his daughters when needed.

Please don't make unfair criticism about Ned. No doubt Ned had mistakes like everyone else, but he was a good father who loved his children wholeheartedly and took care of them as much as he could, just as Cat was a good mother, despite her faults.

Like Sansa, stop blaming everyone for everything except Sansa. Thank you.

#asoiaf #grrmartin #Arya Stark #ned stark #Sansa Stark #anti sansa stans #a game of thrones #anti arya stark stans

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misinformedgenic · 3 years

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The last post on this god awful blog

Hello, I ask everyone who see’s this to unfollow this blog, if you are following me. I can’t look at the reblogs and posts I posted anymore, without feeling incredibly embarassed and I know that I am being aggressive to the people who gave me notes but you know what I don’t care.

(Overall trigger warning: trauma,syscourse,swearing and apologies.)

My message for those who are anti-endogenic:

(tw: abelism,mental ilness)

The truth is, whether all systems are formed by trauma or some can be born that way or it can be formed by something else, it really doesn’t matter. All endogenic systems are just trying to exist and communicate their experiences, and instead of listening and supporting those who might experience their plurality differently from you, you just villanize them and insult them and do the exact same thing that neurotypicals have been doing to us for YEARS. Calling us fake, saying we are trying to get attention, saying we should be ashamed of ourselves for “appropriaiting” from people who had a more severe form of an illness or was priveliged enough to get a diagnosis . If you are traumagenic and you haven’t had that kind of experience, I genuinely envy you. That shit was done to me and it really hurt me. People called me attention seeking for saying I was depressed,or had social anxiety or that I was transgender, or that I was traumatised or plural when all I was trying to do was be myself openly and to accept myself. Why is it that when someone who experiences some sort of plurality and they don’t feel comfortable assosciating their system with trauma, you jump straight to accusing them of something as awful as FAKING or BEING A THIEF!

And yes I know being endogenic means it’s not an illness, but being called a fake for expressing who you truly are when you’ve been forced to hide who you are is such a awful experience. How could you be so callous and careless to even risk that happening to someone else, even once more, in this cruel world. Even if every single endogenic system, who says I can’t help being a plural, was trauma genic, they still associate themselves with that word, endogenic. When you say something horrible about endogenic systems, you are doing so much damage to those people. I mean, to assume without a shadow of a doubt that every single “veritable” endogenic system is actually traumagenic with the limited amount of understanding of DID/OSDD IN ITSELF, as opposed to how this phenomenon could work outside of a disordered framework, really shows you have your head far up your ass. But even then, it doesn’t matter because whether they ended up being traumagenic or not, according to science, no one deserves that treatment.

Even then,in regards to the post on this blog that got the most notes, we need to understand that people with plurality are forced to label their pluraility as a symptom of a disorder. Many systems who needed psychiatry and systems who didn’t and just masked themselves mingled, and they shared terms. This is still happening today, more then ever.

(Just in case you want to know, fictive is not a term used in psychology or psychiatry. It literally came from the soul bonding community, and people who are anti endogenic are still using it. If you don’t believe me use a web browser, and provide some sources to prove otherwise. I didn’t know this, and I’m not going to tag the OP who told me this,because I’m not sure whether they want to be tagged, but thank you. I felt pretty humiliated but it helped to come to realize what I was doing was wrong and that my opinions were wrong, and it helped me to become a kinder and more understanding individual.)

And we need to understand that systems shouldn’t be forced to be involved in exploring their plurality through a lense of trauma, because for many it doesn’t make sense because thats not how they experience it. Even if it is repressed memories ,sometimes or always, systems need a space to be systems without talking about trauma or applying trauma to it. DID and OSDD spaces are not providing that and in those spaces trauma is going to be talked about. Systems shouldn’t have to force themselves to think about trauma and go through pain, just to be able to call themselves a plural and have people acknowledge and accept them.

My message for any endogenic systems and their supporters:

I apologize for everything that you had to go through, from me and my behaviour. My behaviour was terrible and none of you deserved it at all. You deserve so much more than what you get from the anti-endogenic crowd, and you are absolutely valid, and I hope that in the future things will be easier all of you. You deserve love, acceptance and support, and I hope that nobody will ever be able to take that reality from you. You are doing nothing wrong by just being a plural, and it’s really sad that people were and still are fighting about this. Fuck anyone who says otherwise.

Conclusion:

(tw: s***** abuse,ableism,self hatred)

I know I was guilty of what I criticized, and that is really embarassing, but I’m glad I realize that now. I admit I was angry because I was jealous and bitter and I didn’t understand the history properly around this community or how it formed. I went through a lot of online g******g and s***al abuse and my experience with being a system was horrible, I had to deal with alters who had horrible del****ns and wanted to incite gruesome s*** h*** and wanted to k*** me. My system has introjects of my a****rs and random men I see on the streets making pe****ted comments at me pretty much all the time, and I was really jealous of systems who could experience the joys of being a system while avoiding the horrible parts. It made me feel worthless and inferior, because all the interesting and fun parts of being a system could be paraded on TikTok or whether and displayed by people who weren’t f***ed *p and dis*****ng like I was. I am not saying that’s the only basis as to why anti-endogenics hold their opinions, but I am saying this because if you ever see those anti-endogenic posts of mine somewhere and I am very passive agressive or vicious, that’s where it comes from and it isn’t objective or fair.

end of abuse trigger warning.

I decided that I am going to delete all the mean comments I made on other people’s posts that didn’t get any response, so that not another person has to see it again, and for which did get a response I am going to apologize to all those I harmed. If you want to respond to my argument, I can’t stop you from reblogging and making a comment, and that’s your freedom on this website, but I am not going to be replying because discourse on here is so nasty and I’m just done with that. I would rather help contribute to a community of people who feel isolated and who will be empowered by building a culture around plurality, whether that be around trauma or not. I’m tired of focusing on my trauma, it’s in the past and I don’t give a shit about it. It just sucks and I hate it and I am done with it. I will need therapy for it of course,yadi ya, but in terms of my limited free time on this earth I would rather contribute to making people feel happy and supported then argue and be angry about something that is kind of pointless anyway.

So bye, I would like to make a normal system blog in the future and we’ll be using the same names but for now I need to shut the fuck up and reflect.

- Luca

Also hey, on a additional note, my name is Milo and I allowed my name to be associated with this blog and it was irresponsible and unkind for me to do promote this kind of thinking. I am really sorry for any harm I caused by being a part of this blog. Additionally Stanley understands that his post on pride flags was inaccurate and he made some very nasty comments/did some nasty stuff to, he is very sorry to all those he harmed with his previous posts. He is in a really bad situation at the moment, which has gotten worse over time, he is a trauma holder and he is in a lot of emotional turmoil,so neither me or Luca wanted him to be involved in writing this specific post, but that doesn’t mean what he did was okay and all three of us recognize this now.

Best regards,

Milo.

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inkribbon796 · 4 years

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Where’s the Logic in Feeling?

Summary: Living together has been difficult. Whether it’s Remus pranking Roman 24/7, or Patton and Janus having silent standoffs in the kitchen after an argument, but all of them would rather take those little wars of attrition than the elephant in the room. Logan isn’t doing well and no one knows how to help.

A/N: This is a follow-up to several other fics starting with Little Wonders and was touched on in Rules of the Game. This fic touches on the effects of PTSD, mainly Logan almost died and he’s not doing well.

It was late at the Sides’ two-floor apartment, and the day had been relatively uneventful. Except for a small argument in the morning where both Roman and Remus argued about who got to use the bathroom first.

But at this point that had become the new routine in the morning and Virgil had taken to applying his own eye shadow in his bedroom with a mirror that had been stolen from Roman room to avoid using the same bathroom as the two bickering brothers.

Tonight Janus, Remus, Roman, and Patton were playing poker. Virgil was watching them from the couch, watching something on his phone. The cards were a Disney card set that Roman had made, the chips matched the fairytale theme of the cards.

Janus smiled as he pushed all his chips in.

“There’s no way,” Roman spat at the partially-serpentine Side, clutching his cards a bit too tightly. “You’re not winning another game.”

“I have full confidence in my cards,” Janus smiled as Remus pushed all of his remaining chips in with an overeager grin on his face.

“I fold,” Patton sighed, tossing his cards down. “My cards are terrible this round.”

“There’s no way you have better cards than me,” Roman decided competitively, pushing his chips in, and throwing down his cards which were an ace and a jack. “Two of a kind, there.”

Remus held up his two cards which were a six and a nine respectively. “I think I’ve done pretty nice for myself.”

“Remus, sweetheart,” Janus reminded gently. “Poker isn’t won with memes.”

“Well it should be,” Remus corrected firmly.

“Show me the cards, you filthy snake,” Roman demanded, his voice starting to get louder.

“Now, kiddo, we shouldn’t call other people names,” Patton reminded.

Janus and Roman ignored him, and he tossed down a king and a queen. “Royal flush.”

“What?!” Roman shouted angrily.

“That means I win,” Janus smiled, sprouting his other arms and started to pull the chips towards him.

“You dirty, rotten scoundrel!” Roman shouted, grabbing for the chips as well. “You cheated!”

“Kiddo, keep your voice down,” Patton tried to quiet him, glancing towards the stairs.

Janus scoffed, “I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’m an angel.”

“A kinky angel,” Remus leaned in.

Deceit pushed him away with one of his arms.

“Sweet Frank Iero,” Virgil grumbled, “it’s like living in the apartment again.”

There was a distinct slamming of a door from upstairs, everyone downstairs froze, and after a couple seconds Logan came down. He looked exhausted, dark circles under his eyes and in his pajamas instead of his typical button up shirt and tie that he wore in his down time.

“Lo, did I wake you up?” Roman looked especially apologetic.

At first Logan pointedly ignored him, opening up the fridge to grab some Crofters and a spoon, “No, I was already up.”

Janus winced at the lie, but didn’t call Logan out on it. They’d all been woken up at one point or another by Logan screaming himself awake in the middle of the night.

Quietly, Logan walked back up the stairs, already opening the jar back up and just spooning jam into his mouth.

Roman jumped over the table, almost stepping on Remus’s kidney, the rest of the argument with Janus forgotten as Roman scrambled to follow Logan, making sure he made noise so that the logical Side knew that Roman was following him.

Logan walked into their bedroom, closing the door behind him. Roman stood outside, unsure how to help Logan. Declarations of love, poetic ballads, and an always faithful sword couldn’t really protect from the thoughts in your own head.

Logan was usually the person to help people cope with their problems, so Roman found himself at a complete loss.

Taking a deep breath, Roman knocked on the door lightly before walking in. “Lolo?”

He opened the door to find Logan at his desk again, an old WWI era camera sitting on Logan’s desk. It was the same camera that Joan had brought into their first apartment and Thomas had been violently split apart into his Sides. The pink mustache sprayed on it was still visible.

“Hey, brainiac, I see you dusted out that old relic,” Roman tried to cheer him up.

“I was able to do some minor research on this object while I was undercover,” Logan commented, and Roman walked over to sit on the bed, tossing Patton’s old cardigan into their hamper. “Apparently Wil was trying to get rid of some objects without Dark’s notice, and it exchanged hands for a bit until it got into Joan’s possession.”

“So why didn’t it activate sooner?” Roman asked.

“For all we know it might have, but I have no records of a severe reaction like Thomas’s,” Logan answered. “However my attempts to replicate the incident have resulted in failure.”

“Why would you want that? Roman asked, confused.

“There is too much I don’t understand about the effects,” Logan answered. “How does the object work? What caused it to activate? Why did it split us into pieces? All I know about the camera is that Wilford sold it to avoid Dark finding out about a lover he was seeing at the time, it didn’t work and I don’t even know if giving it back to Dark and having someone ask would just answer my questions faster.”

“Well it probably doesn’t matter,” Roman decided, Logan sighed and gave him a drained, defeated look on his face. “Even if understanding it could reverse it, fusion already does the trick.”

Logan seemed to get frustrated, “That answers even fewer of my questions. How can we fuse in the first place? Why fusion in particular and not literally anything else? I am Thomas’s logic but yet I feel things. I feel joy, and anger . . .”

The Side trailed off a bit, clearly frustrated, “I feel things, and I don’t like it.”

“Isn’t that why being human is all about?” Roman proclaimed proudly. “Hearing, feeling, experiencing. That’s life!”

“I just!” Logan started loudly before his hands flew to his eyes. He took off his glasses. “I am supposed to be Thomas’s logic, but emotions are such metaphorically sticky and confusing things. But I am human now, I feel and hunger, and want things. It confuses me, and I don’t know how to process it anymore.”

Roman frowned, “If only your demons were so easy to vanquish, my dear. My sword would draw first blood.”

“I’ve been asking Dr. Iplier for assistance,” Logan admitted, cleaning his glasses. “I am, very clearly, out of my area of expertise when it comes to my own emotional state. But finding an impartial psychologist or a therapist is challenging, especially one who will not be at risk of Dark finding them and getting information out of them through theft or bribery.”

“I could grab Patton and you could talk to Emile,” Roman offered.

Logan chuckled a bit, putting his glasses back on, “I appreciate your willingness to help, but it would not be ethical for Emile to treat me, he would be considered family. Besides, Emile is not an actually licensed therapist.”

“Something we should have fixed years ago,” Roman reminded.

“I barely had the time to finish Thomas’s schooling,” Logic reminded. “Switching majors so late would have been an ill-thought through decision on my part.”

“Sorry I woke you up, I know you need the sleep,” Roman apologized again.

“I would have woken up at some other point in the night,” Logan dismissed, and that only made Roman feel worse.

“I hope this therapist works out for you,” Roman told him.

“In time,” Logan sighed. “The wound has healed and it’s now all in the mind, and my mind is being far from logical.”

“That’s not your fault,” Roman reassured, both of them turning when a knock at the door startled Logan, Patton and Virgil walked in.

“I know, I have faced viler creatures, been stabbed, shot, poisoned,” Logan sighed. Virgil sat by his feet, silently leaning his head against Logan’s leg supportively.

When Logan lowered his arm, Virgil grabbed his hand without hesitation. “I have just been telling Roman that I have plans on seeing a therapist.”

Virgil gripped Logan’s hand a bit tighter but didn’t immediately say anything.

“Gosh, if there’s anything we can do to help with that, we will,” Patton volunteered.

“It got worse?” Virgil asked Logan.

“My lack of sleep is hindering my productivity, and it’s damaging my health, exacerbating the situation,” Logan reluctantly admitted. “My research can only take me so far, I just . . . wish it probably wouldn’t involve those pesky emotions.”

“I’m glad you’re alive,” Patton told Logan. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there with you.”

“Trust me, I would not have wished such odds upon anyone,” Logan reassured. “Not knowing where Orange is concerns me.”

“When I find him, I’ll give him a taste of his own medicine,” Virgil promised.

Logan considered telling them more about his most recent nightmares, about the knife and the blurry darkness that he was trapped in. He’d been trying to be open about his nightmares, if only so it felt like he wasn’t trapped in his own mind. But it was the same nightmares, the distress and monotony was eating him from the inside-out. Logan felt like he was going with circles every night, his sleep broken into shorter bursts and he felt guilty for waking the others up, but knowing that it wasn’t his fault. He couldn’t control his dreams . . . but knowing that didn’t make them go away. It didn’t keep him from waking up in the middle of the night.

Patton let out a surprise little gasp, startling Logan out of his spiraling thoughts. The emotional Side was already walking towards a tray that had been set about two feet from the door was a tray of steaming hot tea mugs full of tea. Each one of their personal mugs, sat on a tray in front of them. Logan could have sworn that Patton and Virgil had not come in with them.

“Oh, Roman, how thoughtful,” Patton commented as he walked over to the tray. Virgil was already eyeing the cups suspiciously.

“Yeah, no problem,” Roman answered, uncertain.

Patton was bringing the tray over and picked up his own mug, taking a sip and instantly going starry eyed. “It’s so delicious, Ro, what flavor is it?”

“Uh,” Roman walked over and grabbed his cup, “oh you know, just one I found in the cupboard, looked new.”

Virgil let go, grabbing Logan’s cup. He discreetly took a cautious whiff of the tea first, immediately discerning the ingredients and who had made it in seconds, before he took a small sip. His eyes narrowed suspiciously before he said, “It’s lavender.”

Patton made a little gasp, drinking down more of the tea, “I’ve never had it before.”

Logan frowned at Virgil as the anxious Side grabbed his own mug as well and passed Logan his own mug.

“It’s actually pretty good,” Virgil told him.

Normally Logan was inclined to believe Virgil’s non anxiety-induced claims, but he was tired, and the strange way Virgil regarded the tea had him on edge. Besides, Logan fancied himself as a pro-tea-and-coffee connoisseur and this, while he couldn’t place the smell, was not lavender. It had an earthy smell that someone had attempted to mask with lemon and peppermint. A sip told him the same, someone had taken a bitter taste and tried to bury the tea in lemon and peppermint, and a bit of sugar.

A bit more sugar than Logan preferred.

The after affects of the tea led all of them to curl up on the bed, Roman and Patton already asleep, curled up together. Logan and Virgil side-by-side, Logan felt considerably more drowsy than he had been thirty minutes ago.

“What actually was in the tea?” Logan yawned.

Virgil let out a massive, full yawn. His eyes were closed. “Dee calls it his Knockout Brew: valerian root, lemon, peppermint, and a—”

He let out another huge yawn, and curled into Logan’s side, “—spoonful of sugar, or something, yah know? Really . . . helps . . . me . . .”

Virgil trailed off, Logan not too far behind him, his tea in particular mixed with something a little extra to make it a bit stronger. They were leftovers from Virgil’s old prescription the anxious Side hadn’t taken with him when he switched teams.

The logical Side’s sleep tonight would be mercifully dreamless.

Slowly the opened door was softly pulled further open so Janus could sneak in. He started tidying up the room a bit, using his other arms to pick the cups and trays, but stopped when he saw the camera on the table.

The deceitful Side hadn’t seen the object in years, and felt the urge to smash the object against the closest hard surface for all the pain and misery it had caused. But a look at Logan sleeping soundly for once, he stopped. Janus didn’t want to chance Logan waking up. So he took the tray and left, his magic ensuring that all four of the “Light Sides” were tucked in.

Tomorrow would be another stressful day, but at least for tonight everyone would get a good night’s sleep.

#Superhero AU #Masks and Maladies #Discussions of PTSD #Logan has PTSD #Thomas Sanders #Logan Sanders #Roman Sanders #Janus Sanders #Remus Sanders #Patton Sanders #Virgil Sanders #LAMP #Logince #Dukeceit #Roman tries his best #Logan needs theraphy #angst and feels

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solest · 3 years

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This will be yet another mental health post, but I won't put it under a cut this time because a) I'm on mobile and don't know how to do it here and b) yes, friends might read this. I will eben tag this and try not to feel guilty for being an attention whore by doing so. This will be longer I guess, so sorry if you have to scroll through because of a).

I thought I would have stagnated. I went to a psychosomatic clinic this summer and felt like it had not helped at all. I tried to put myself out there again and had a good moment and an immediate throwback in more than one ways. But now I'm lying here, crying over videos I see or stories I read about certain mental health things and for the first time I can accept that what I read is applying to me. I knew before, but now I accept.

I have a trauma from school and bullying. It still feels weird to say it, because I always thought that Trauma had to be something big, something life threatening and not a shitty teacher and a bunch of kids you knew since you were 3, who turned on you all of a sudden. I studied social work, took child care and protection classes, but the Traumas that were discussed there were always cases of severe violence, abuse, neglect and so on. No one ever told me that things that don't seem so threatening can stick to you and change how you react for such a long time.

I've been told by three or four therapists by now that what vi experienced was trauma, but only recently therapists were using actual methods for this on me. I've been a lively and adventurous kid until second grade. I had a math teacher who was hysterical, got emotional outbursts, screamed at us and got physical. This was known, my brothers who's six years older had her as well.

I remember her screaming at us, especially me. I've never been a math genius but this woman managed that I developed a solid fear of maths. I clearly remember her pulling my hair in front of the class, because I did not know what 7x7 was. To this day, I forgot simple formulas, my mind goes blank if too much math is involved and I'm slow calculating in my head. I started to emotionally shut down and burst into tears when doing maths homework. I was 7.

When I got into third grade, we had a maths test at the very beginning of the year and I failed it miserably. I remember I was devesrated and I link the beginning of my bullying with it and just remembered why. I got an emotional outburst. I screamed, I cried I felt helpless and lost and it was too extreme a reaction to a failed test for all around me. I now know that it was a stress response to what I had experienced before and what I linked to it. I feared to get my hair pulled again, to be screamed at. But this odd behavior only made the other kids frown on me and trying to make me this upset again., which resulted in me not having friends and not understanding why people I knew since kindergarten and who were perfectly fine with me some months ago could be so cruel.

And just some weeks ago, I saw a video on how trauma comes to be. It isn't the severity, but the surprise that shake our core beliefs. I might have a genetic disposition to anxiety disorders, which might have made it "easier" to be shaken by what happened, but that's not the sole reason it affscted me like it did. Another video stated that trauma is the way we react to what happens. This firstly made me think "Oh, so you're an over dramatic bitch that was so startled by such a thing that you developed a trauma. How pathetic". How dare I think this about myself.

The way I experienced it is valid. It did what it did to me and I can't change that. Maybe I'm too sensitive, but I can't go back and tell this my sobbing 7 yo self. I lost all my adventurous attitude. I cried a lot and developed a general anxiety disorder that was only diagnosed when I was 21. I was shamed and frowned upon my overly sensitive and emotional reactions, and as the manifestations of my GAD, mostly extreme nausea. All of this only made me hate myself more and more. People said I'm weird, not normal, mentally disabled and I believed them. I tried to please them all, to just not be alone and laughed at anymore. I'm well aware that there are people with far more severe and terrible stories, but this is mine and I can't change either.

My parents tried best their could, but looking back a proper therapy as a child might have helped me. Instead I wasn't doing good in school, because stress let me break down completely. I had anxiety when doing tests and exams, a high perfectionism I'm still not able to act upon though. My parents had not been the cause for all this and tried to help as best they could, but the damage was done.

And still, parts of this personality I had before the trauma was still there, though I felt like I had to hide it, otherwise people would reject me for who I am. I missed out on much, simply because I did not grève the mental strength to try, fearing my peers would not accept me.

My self esteem is pretty low most of the times still, but somehow I'm now at a point where I can look back on this stuff and say:

"This was messed up. There's nothing you could have done better or to prevent it. The teacher should not have acted like this. Adults should have protected you and take your desperation seriously. The other kids, no matter their own awful experiences were not entitled to treat you like shit. You're réactions are not over the top, they were cries for help. You did not deserve this, and I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. And if I could turn back in time, I would come to your aid and kick their arses."

I wasted so much time hating myself. I might not be perfect, no one is, but I'm okay. I'm enough. I don't have to be outstanding at something to be worth it, I already am, by merely existing. I'm worthy of love. I'm worthy of respect. I might have had a lot of help and I might took longer than most around ne, but I accomplished things. Things people like the math Teacher or stupid parents of stupid classmates told me I never will.

I got my high-school diploma. I studied. It took me 6 instead of 3 years for a Bachelor's degree, but I was experiencing flashback anxiety because it reminded me if school and I had to stay at home for one whole year, because I was so deep into anxiety and depression. And I made it.

I'm the first one with an academic degree in my whole family. Despite feeling like shit and thinking I can do nothing, I decided to pull through. The scores I had on papers do not define how professional I am, because I had to write them with severe panic attacks and procrastination problems.

I had long and stable relationships. I learned to drive. I figured I'm Bi, came out and nothing terrible happened. I went to Japan, with my girlfriend at the time for two months, just the two of us. I moved out and lived with another person. I quit a toxic job, because I knew it was toxic. I made friends.

Writing this down does not come easy, but I'm doing it right now. Being able to admit my successes is a huge step. I'm currently experiencing something like a second adolescents, and I think that's because I finally understand that I have to learn what I really am, what I want. I might overcompensate but that's okay. After 13 years of therapy and meds, and a noch most time without much help in this regard I'm allowed to do so.

I will not be loved by everyone and that's okay, because it means I don't have to love everyone in return. People do like me for what I am, even if it's hard to grasp. I'm not too old for things with 33 and I'm allowed to like "childish" stuff and it does not make me less of an adult. I deserve happiness and to cut toxic people out of my life. I will find a new job and it's okay if I feel like I don't know anything, I'm not dumb and I can learn quick.

I'm more than my mental illness, it does not define me completely.

#depression #anxiety #anxiety disorder #mental health

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atlas-of-a-human-soul · 4 years

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Wicked, pt.8 (DT royal AU)

Summary: A lot can happen in ten days, especially when there’s grief involved

Warnings: ANGST, death, descriptions of murder, indicating smut, very light fluff

Word count: 3757

WICKED - SERIES MASTERLIST

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“He's only five days old and unaffected by death. A little innocent light with so much joy. But that will soon change and I hate it.” Y/N spoke quietly, her bitterness and grief imprinted in every line of her beautifully fallen face and her stern, strained voice. She could hardly stand as she kept her son safe in her arms, close to her chest, to her broken, still beating heart.

“We know who did it, but he’s long gone.” Ethan blinked fast, fighting his own conflicting emotions as he had to come to terms that his call had been the reason why Grayson was in that helicopter in the first place.

“Any word of the body?” Y/N piped up, turning around to meet Ethan’s gloomy gaze, wanting to draw some warmth from his look – he never looked too much like Grayson until she realized she’d never see Grayson again – only in his twin brother and perhaps his son as the little one grows.

Weary, weak, Y/N felt herself nearly stumble, aware she couldn’t carry the baby any longer. The delivery itself was incredibly draining, extremely dangerous and she was convinced she’d die. The pain became unbearable and it felt like her body was breaking down. With the hypertensive episode causing a hemorrhage, the delivery was anything but smooth.

With each contraction came a pain that dominated her entire being. In those moments, for those seconds that stretched into infinity, there was nothing else. Despite it all, she didn’t make much noise, not a single scream passed her lips as she tried to focus on breathing, on staying alive. The awareness she had was only of Ethan’s hand in hers, and when they did talk, touch to gain her attention, she found it so hard.

She couldn’t open her eyes for long, her ears were ringing and she was certain her soul was parting with her body. When she did manage to blink her eyes open, she’d always look to her left – to where Ethan sat beside her. She looked at Ethan and at times, Y/N swore she saw Grayson.

She didn’t even know she was asking for him all along. They told her about it later. They said she called his name out over and over again, like a prayer, like he was her saving grace. She was calling for him, completely unaware he was fighting for his life…and losing.

Whenever they talked about wars and battles, Grayson seemed like a proficient warrior, a man who had great skill and strategy – he seemed invincible.

“Grayson, stop. I’m being serious. If there’s ever a war, I don’t want you on the front lines.” Y/N furrowed her eyebrows and her forehead wrinkled with worry Grayson couldn’t be sure was true. He could never be sure with her, but he wanted to believe she grew to care for him.

“If it were you, Dracovia…Would you stay behind and let your men die on the battlefield?” Grayson rose an eyebrow, aware of her answer before he even asked. She was just as much of a warrior as he is, perhaps even braver than he can ever be. She was the epitome of a brave woman with a touch of wicked. With such beauty to accompany a sharp tongue and even a sharper mind, Grayson knew he was in for a long life of arguing, but every argument would end up right where he is now – in bed with her head on his chest and her pursed lips swollen from his feverish kisses.

“You’re right.” She uttered, nearly ill with having to admit she’s wrong about something. But yes, she was aware she had no right to hold him back from ruling his kingdom the way he wanted. If there was ever a war, she’d want to be with her armies and no one would stop her.

Smiling, Grayson leaned in and pecked her nose lightly, getting a giggle in return.

“Don’t worry my dragon bride, I am quick, I am brave and I am lucky. I’m as lucky in battle as I am in love. I will win and come back to bother you for many years to come.” She couldn’t help but melt at his words, aware he’s wormed his way to her heart but she wasn’t willing to let him know yet. They had this night, this first night after she thought he’d have left her, cast her aside for asking the crown matrimonial.

But he didn’t.

And he wasn’t as invincible as they thought. She always worried he might be too cocky for his own good and it had proven to be true. The helicopter was found two days in, halfway to Dracovia – to her. His body has yet to be recovered although a few sharks they’ve hunted had human flesh in their stomachs…DNK came back as human but it was far too damaged to be properly analyzed.

And there really isn’t some cosmic, instinctual feeling inside you that warns you of such tragedy. She didn’t feel the moment he was in danger nor the moment he passed. In fact, she didn’t feel anything at all. He was just gone and she couldn’t change it, but she could avenge him.

“No full remains. Only the contents of three different sharks we’ve caught…I don’t want to believe it either, but from the black box, we know he was left in the helicopter alone and considering the damn thing was tampered with from what he said…we heard him crash.” Ethan sighed, watching Y/N visibly tense under his unrelenting gaze. He didn’t leave her side since it happened, only when it was time to feed the baby as per request. It was either him or Brooks beside her, especially when she had found out the full truth.

“I’m sorry, but can the prince please accompany me?” Lady Mareen came the next morning after the childbirth was done with and both mother and child were safe. The queen lost a lot of blood and needed a few transfusions, but she was stable and so was her son – the future king of Dracovia and Astros.

“Why?” Y/N questioned before Ethan had a chance to move or speak, her impatience clear in her sharp tone and narrowed eyes, very well prepared to extort some answers if necessary and Mareen knew it. She grew up with the queen…she was there when she was born, of course she knew that her temper is bad and her intolerance for secrets was worse.

“Because prince Ethan instructed me to call king Grayson to come here last night and since he didn’t make it here, I’ve called Astros and they told us the king left immediately the past night. However, the king never arrived and we sent a search party for him that’s just returned with terrible news.” Mareen spoke to her queen, hoping the young woman can take this shock, this incredible pain her husband’s death was bound to cause. Mareen wasn’t blind, she knew the young queen loved her husband despite her claims that she bore no love for him.

“Was it an accident?” Y/N gulped, waiting for an answer she expected.

“We’ve already examined the black box and from what we heard it wasn’t an accident. He mentioned Gandria as well as…his eternal regret about not being by your side…and about his love for you. Those were his last words.”

Y/N remembered when Ethan told her the full truth of Gandria and the real reason why Grayson thought she’d be safer in Dracovia and how he knew she’d fight him on it if he told her the truth. And he was right…she never would have left him had he told her any of it.

“She did what?!” Ethan whisper shouted, his eyes nearly bulging out his head. What he heard was enough to scare anyone, even Brooks.

“She sent her army to the island and they searched for Grayson high and low. She thought he might be alive and held captive, but when they didn’t find any sign of him and when they didn’t get anything by torture, she had them slaughtered in the vilest way possible…she had them burned alive before burning the entire island as well.” Brooks whispered as well, not wanting Y/N to hear them as they met up right before her room – the room she and Grayson shared in Astros.

The queen insisted to be moved to Astros, no one understood why. No one knew she felt closer to him in his kingdom where they shared so many good memories, so much love. No one knew she wanted to come to him after giving birth and tell him just how much she loves him and how she’d do whatever is necessary to mend their relationship. She was ready to step on her pride and honor and give him all the power in the relationship.

She didn’t have a chance to do so and as her grief consumed her, her temper had taken over and she was no longer just a little wicked as Grayson called her – she had become lost in the darkness.

“I never thought she was capable of that.” Ethan lowered his voice, rubbing his chin in thought as he stared at the ground in worry. The woman he knew before this tragedy was soft-hearted despite her previously hatched plans. She was good, sweet, kind, but now? He didn’t recognize her and he didn’t know what to do to stop her if she goes mad and tries to do the same to Astros. Sure, the men and women she had killed were evil, but if she would to kill them, why did she do it in the slowest, worst possible way?

Brooks nodded, licking his bottom lip before catching it between his pearly whites. He didn’t know what to do to help his love, the woman he had served and will serve till his death. He wasn’t entirely surprised she had done this deed, but he couldn’t help but wonder what would become of her when the grief lets her feel the horror of her deeds.

“They shot her husband out the sky and she burned an island for it. It’s the dragon’s way to grieve - with fire and blood.”

Now she sat in their old room alone, lonelier than ever. She sat on the couch he had gifted her, feeling his lingering scent as if he had just left the room after breakfast. Their child slept safely tucked away in his crib, barely sleeping as if he too finally felt the grief of his father’s death.

‘He’ll never know his father’, she realized as tears welled up in her eyes. She always imagined Grayson as the kind of a man who wanted a big family with lots of little versions of them running around and in time, she caught herself wanting the same – perhaps not on the same scale, but she wanted to have more of his kids as time passed and their relationship was more solid and less filled with evil plans and secrets on both sides.

She always knew Grayson wouldn’t live to see his son become a king, a curse all kings share. They can never know what kind of a king their son would be, but she never thought her child would be crowned king in his tenth day on this earth.

“Y/N.” Brooks walked into the room, a little braver, a little more capable of looking at her directly than Ethan. If anyone could understand her wrath and behavior, it was him. He too was a dragon after all.

“You know I performed the ritual for my son already?” She spoke absentmindedly, running her knuckles gently across her son’s cheek, seemingly lost in thought but she just needed to talk to someone and the people she wanted to talk to were all dead, gone with the wind.

“He got a black dragon as his patron…he’s a dragon even though Grayson wasn’t. And we both know a black dragon means incredible beauty and a courageous heart.” Her soft lips curled at the corners, putting on a meek smile on her face, the best she could do. She knew only one person with a black dragon as a patron and he was stood in the room with her.

“He’s a black dragon, yet he’s nameless.” She finally looks up at Brooks.

“Perhaps some traditional Dracovian names? Maybe something to honor his father?” Brooks tilts his head to the left slowly, a lone curl falling in his eye as she shakes her head.

The day after they proclaimed him dead and decided to bury the unidentifiable pieces of flesh found in shark guts, they said, "He was a good king", as if they were glad to be remembering him, that they took some comfort in it. Each of them had stood by, aware of the conspiracy, knowing it would happen and no one did anything about it. In her mind, it’s as bad as watching him be killed, then acting as if it were a noble sacrifice for their sake, that by loving his memory the mourning became a wholesome and wonderful thing. They were cowards; none of them willing to see the difference between honorable self-sacrifice and murder. Guilty men will do that; lock the truth in a cage and warp love into something strange and awful. Loving him meant Y/N would have traded places in a heartbeat, fought until they either both lived or died. And so, for her, the mourning, the grief, wasn't good at all, it was only the start of the longest, darkest night there ever was.

“I wanted him to name him. I…I wanted him to have the honor, but now…” Trailing off, she turned away swiftly to hide the tears she couldn’t keep down no matter how hard she tried. She couldn’t keep them down ever since she saw the clothes she was given for the funeral – the same clothes she saw herself wear in the vision – dark as her heart, but Grayson was never darkness. He was light and he was sunshine and she wanted to wear green, his favorite color, however, she couldn’t ignore Astros and their tradition of wearing black.

But there was no body and she wanted to believe more than anyone that her husband found a way to some shore they might have missed. She wanted to believe her Grayson was just as invincible as he said he is, that he was finding his way home now.

Despite her wishes, Y/N was also a realist. She was aware chances for that ever happening were slim at best, if not entirely non-existent. Today, she’ll bury the leftover pieces of the man she loved so much she didn’t know how to breathe without, but she’ll have to learn. She’ll have to learn to live with the regret of never telling him how much she loved him, for always doing everything the hard way instead of just trusting him. She has much to regret, much to be bitter and angry about, but all those emotions have to be put on hold today. Today she is his widowed queen, even if she was never officially a ruling queen, she was his queen nonetheless.

“Bailey.” She whispered, more to herself than anyone else. She had felt it to be right, fitting for her son to carry his father’s middle name, the same one he had hated but she loved. The only thing she told him she loved.

“Grayson Bailey Dolan.” Y/N whispered as she pressed a tender kiss to Grayson’s jaw, smiling right after for her turned his face with the most perplexed look on his face that she couldn’t help herself.

“My mom wanted me to be a girl. She had three name ideas and those were: Ethan, Grant, Grayson and well…I ended up with a unisex middle name. Never really liked it.” He explained and she hummed in response.

“I quite like it. It fits you well. I prefer it to Grayson.” Y/N smirked when his eyes grew in surprise.

“You really like it?” He exclaimed, sure she’s just messing with him, but it wasn’t on her agenda for the evening.

“Like it? I love it.”

“I believe it to be a beautiful name.” A female voice interrupted her, not really scaring her, rather simply surprising her.

“Queen mother.” Y/N quickly curtsied out of respect for she had never met Grayson’s mother before and despite her being a queen herself, she wanted to show the woman proper respect.

“Never bow to anyone without a crown dear.” Lisa helped her straighten up, her body still hurting from the delivery. She was barely in any shape to be out of bed, let alone attend her husband’s funeral. But Y/N is a stubborn woman, that much everyone knew. She would be there to say goodbye to him.

“You had a crown once too.” Y/N tried to smile, failing miserably as the corners of her lips curved downwards into a deep frown she couldn’t shake. Brooks took it as a sign to let the women speak, but he didn’t leave the room. He was still too worried about her.

“Ah, yes. I was once in love with my husband, lived in a big castle similar to this one and I thought I would die when he was gone. It’s not just your husband that you lose, but their respect, your importance. The people take it all from you and you’re soon replaced by a beautiful young woman they would worship until she meets the same fate.” Lisa smiled softly as she recognized the tears in Y/N’s eyes, encouraging her.

“If you want to cry, you should. No one would see you as anything less if you show you’ve loved my son. He surely loved you.” Lisa turned to her grandson, her gentle eyes soften at the sleeping baby as if she was seeing Grayson again.

“He’s always with you – in your heart, in him. It’s impossible to erase such love. I can see your anger, but if you let it consume you, it would tarnish his memory. Be the woman he fell in love with.”

‘But he fell in love with me as I am, temper and wicked plans and horrible notions of what love is.’ Y/N thought. Grayson knew who she was from their first wedding night and he loved her regardless, flaws and all. But she didn’t want to say it out loud. Instead, she turned to Brooks and gestured for him to come closer.

He offered his forearm for her to hold onto as they walked out of the room, leaving the baby with lady Mareen. Lisa followed, after all she was to be the first in the carriage with Ethan as the ruling family. Ethan would surely be regent until her son turned eighteen.

Walking out the castle, she stopped in her tracks as she saw the procession was ready, just waiting for her. She couldn’t see what the coffin was made of, but she knew it didn’t matter as the Astrovian flag covered it entirely. It was put in the back of a carriage instead of a car, giving him a kingly funeral of the olden times.

She stepped closer, letting go of Brooks with her heart caught in her throat closer she got. It’s an empty coffin with just a few pieces of flesh, but it didn’t lessen the pain she carried. Everyone's heads were down. Maybe it was them showing respect of maybe they were too afraid to look at the grieving widow.

Y/N hated funerals. She had more of them in her short lifetime than most do and the customs were fairly familiar to her. Placing a hand on Grayson’s coffin, she had to admit that there was no point in holding onto hope. If he was alive, he’d have made it back by now. He was surely lost as they think and clinging to him will only cause her pain.

But she still kept her hand on the coffin, leaning down as her lips pressed a kiss to the flag that covered the finest wood. He was a king, they wouldn’t bury what remains of him in cheap wood.

Lifting her head, she opened her eyes and let her tears flow freely. They soaked the material, her heart constricting painfully in her chest.

“Come on. The queen always rides the carriage with the family.” Ethan tried to steer her away, but she wouldn’t be handled. Instead, she looked him straight in the eye and mustered a half-smile.

“I’m no longer the queen of Astros.” She watched the procession start, wanting to walk after, but Ethan stopped her.

“Yes, you are.” His word baffled her, but she didn’t have the strength to fight his grip on her forearm. She looked up in his intense brown eyes and waited for him to say whatever he had practiced to tell her in hope of getting her to either feel better or give into his possible marriage proposal.

But he had something else on his mind.

“I was with our lawyers today and we found his will. Grayson left you crown matrimonial about three months into your marriage. He did it before he went to quell the rebellion.” Ethan spoke clearly yet the words felt too hard for her to understand.

“He did?” She whispered, her heart aching painfully.

“Yes. He did. He loved you Y/N and I don’t think there’s a bigger testament to just how much than that piece of paper.” Ethan wanted to hold her, but he feared she’d push him away again. He didn’t want her to think he’s using his twin’s death as a way to her heart. He wasn’t. He wouldn’t.

Y/N wanted to speak, to say something but words escaped her as she realized how much he truly cared and how he had protected her even after his death, even when he couldn’t really trust her motives were pure.

But before she can piece her mind back up, a chorus of screams and shocked gasps ripple through the people in the procession from just outside the castle and before they know it, Y/N and Ethan find themselves shaking, swallowing a scream as well as they felt the shock and disbelief be replaced with emotions they couldn’t quite understand for the scene before them should be impossible – a mere dream, but it wasn’t.

In the middle of the day, on a black stallion, their fallen king rode into the castle.

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~

A/N - any thoughts or theories? Any favorite lines in this one or any previous parts? Get ready for the finale because the next part is probably the last one.

Tags: @graysavant @yaren-ates @beinscorpio @dolandolll @godlydolans @dolanstwintuesday @accalialionheart @peacedolantwins @heyits-claire @graydolan12 @gia-kerks @justordinaryjen @dopedoodes @sunshinedolantwins @pitreshawn @melodiesforari

#grayson dolan x reader #grayson dolan #ethan dolan #dolan twins #grayson dolan royal au #grayson dolan fanfic #grayson dolan series #grayson dolan au #grayson dolan angst #grayson dolan fic #grayson dolan fanfiction #grayson dolan king #grayson dolan king au #king!grayson #wicked

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youllgocrystalcrazy · 4 years

Text

“Heart’s wake, Hm? Even with that agnomen, It’s just Valentine’s Day. You can give a house a fresh coat of paint but in the end it’s the same old dirty hovel it was before.” Back to the wall of the apartment store building, Cortex glares at the celebratory banner that donned those very words. Heart’s Wake, Valentine’s Day, They’re all the same in the end. A day dedicated to love and all that. Getting on your knees with flowers and chocolates in hand and declaring your love to another... Gross. Switching the setting on his Ray gun from Stun to Incinerate once more, Cortex kicks aside a smoldering bouquet with a smile on his face. Taking in the sights of the department store, he chuckles. The flowers, burning. Balloons, popped. Plush animals all riddled with holes in them from his plasma blasts. All except the teddy bears at least. Odd. Still, drinks pool on the floor and cute pastel cards float in the mess. Such calamity! The aisle was a complete and total wreck! But what of the store clerks?

Certainly they wouldn’t let someone like HIM get away with such collateral damage! Well... They tried to. There they stood, that expression of stunned horror plastered on their faces while they remained stuck in place. Some petrified like a statue, stuck in their awkward running position or stuck in a pose revealing they were giving someone an earful. Others were in a similar position, however they were toppled over like a mannequin. Knocked aside as a cranky child would do if they didn’t get what they wanted. Locking eyes with one of the fallen, frozen victims, the doctor chuckles cruelly. “Now don’t fret, ol’ chum~! The effects wear off after... Hmmm. Oh~! Must have slipped my mind. I can’t recall just how long i’ve set the stun setting to! My, my!! How terribly absent-minded of me! Hehehehmhm!! Oh, come now! Why the long face? The effects will wear off eventually!! Honestly, you’re in a far better position than I am right now. You don’t have to waste time gawking at the pathetic display of hearts and red hues everywhere. Though I suppose staring at nothing but the havoc i’ve done coupled with the linoleum and grout isn’t a much better view where you are~.” Finally ceasing his monologue, Cortex looks back at the work he’s done.

“Hmmm... I’ve got the balloons, the bouquets, the boutonnieres... What else... AH, Yes~ The Chocolates. Of Course~ Hmhmhmhmhahaha~!” Twirling around his ray gun without a care in the world, Cortex strolls past the damage and the stunned coworkers, humming to himself happily. When was the last time he caused this level of chaos anyway? It was so Refreshing!! Once he reaches the aisle of sweets, he resumes firing his ray gun, blasting holes in the piles of boxed chocolates with reckless abandon. The effervescent smile on his face growing wider and wider. The aroma of burnt chocolate wafts in the air, causing a sickly sweet smell to disperse within the store. But he stops firing, something catching the evil man’s attention. A small pile of chocolates paired with a sign labelled ‘Limited Time Only!! DevoLine Ruby Chocolate truffles!! Treat your loved one to these rare, decadent, treats!’ Weapon lowered now, Cortex approaches the table with newfound curiosity. He’s never had RUBY chocolate before! And while he’d sooner blow this little display sky-high, he wants to walk away with something first~

Plucking a box from the pile, greedy hands peel back the wrapping and claw at the tape protecting the treats inside. Valentines, Heart’s wake, whatever!! Even Cortex couldn’t resist the allure of this rare little treat! Once the lid hits the floor, an eager hand hovers over the treats and plucks one from it’s tray. “Normally I’d partake in this if it was the day after. But who can resist this sort of temptation? I’ve only heard of Ruby Chocolate but I hadn’t yet-” He doesn’t allow himself to finish before popping the pink chocolate in his maw. He chews once... Twice... ...A third... Somethings wrong. Neo’s grip on the box tightens as his face contorts to a pained one. No, not pain. Confusion? Agony? No, Shock? Whatever it was, it was definitely messing with his body in someway. “Wha... What it this...? This feeling-!!” Clutching at his chest, he whimpers. “My Heart!! I’m... I’m feeling...”

“Niiiiiiiiiiiiiice~!”

“NO! NOOO!! I CAN’T STAND THIS WARM FUZZY FEELING!! Help meee!” Without thinking, Cortex clutches onto the box of chocolates tightly and his ray gun even tighter, bee-lining for the exit. But not without stopping in the aisle he was in prior and giving a speedy apology to the staff. “Forgive me!! That was ill on my part... I’m sorry!! ...WHY AM I DOING THIS?!” He’s trying his best to fight the swelling emotions in his chest. It’s strange. He’s feeling so embittered, he would absolutely partake in more wanton chaos, but simultaneously, he’s feeling... “Why am I filled with the desire to make due on so much?! I’ve been bad... Terrible in fact!! I revel in this sort of behavior!! So why... Why do I have the urge to try and reconnect with... Crash. Of all people, I want to make ends meet with... Him.” His expression falls flat. This was too much. Too many emotions!! Too many Feelings!! There were so many faces he grew to care for, some more than others!! And with that there were so, so many others he DETESTED. He hated nearly everyone and everything in this city, but now He didn’t care about taking it over!! He just wanted to watch it burn!!! And yet he wanted to keep everyone safe?! “I CAN’T STAND THIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIiiiiisss!!” With that, he barrels out the store and into the streets, trying to make heads or tails of these new, intense feelings.

Everybody do the Cupid Shuffle!

#𝐐𝐮𝐢𝐜𝐤𝐥𝐲 𝐢𝐧𝐭𝐨 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐕𝐨𝐫𝐭𝐞𝐱! | IC #𝐁𝐚𝐜𝐤 𝐭𝐨 𝐁𝐮𝐬𝐢𝐧𝐞𝐬𝐬 | Drabble #Cυριd 💛 Sнυƒƒlε | Event 4 #~~ Ahaha... I kinda wanna cry since I had a REAL good paragraph written and my com froze...#~~ SO ATTEMPT 2!!! AHAH

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queenofcats17 · 5 years

Text

The Fault Of A King

So, I still have a lot of feelings about Doctor Roman, and I saw a bunch of @secondmagic ‘s Fate artwork, especially this, and I wanted to write something.

David had known from the moment he’d met Romani Archaman that the doctor was his son.

Although he hadn’t spent as much time with Solomon as he likely should have, he knew his child. He saw Solomon’s wisdom and compassion in this man, in the way he interacted with David’s Master and Mash. Roman could try to hide his true capabilities all he liked, but David could see through his bumbling act in an instant. Still, one thing struck him about the man calling himself Doctor Roman. Something vastly different from the Solomon David had known. He was so…free. So open. He laughed and smiled easily. His words were always carefully chosen, David could tell that much, but Roman felt no need to hide his nature from the people he was close to. He wasn’t afraid of saying exactly how he felt to the people around him. He was so much more open and honest with his emotions. He looked so genuinely…happy when he was with Haru and Mash. And, slowly, David began to realize that he didn’t think he’d ever actually seen his son happy during his lifetime.

No, he told himself. He just hadn’t been present in Solomon’s life enough to see his son smile like that. Surely, Bathsheba had seen Solomon be carefree and open. However, the longer he spent in Chaldea, the surer he was that Solomon had never truly known happiness while he’d been alive. It was a sobering thought. David knew he hadn’t been a good father. He’d allowed Amnon to get away with raping Tamar simply because he’d been his eldest, allowed Absalom to return to Jerusalem after murdering Amnon as if nothing had happened. And when Solomon had been appointed to the throne, David had forced his son to carry out a massive purge against those who had supported Adonijah’s bid for the throne. There had been a multitude of expectations placed upon both of them. They’d been kings, blessed by God and expected to make the right decisions regarding their kingdom and their people. It was a terrible feeling, looking back over his life and seeing all the mistakes he’d made. All the damage he’d done to his son.

David told no one of his realizations, of course. Roman didn’t want anyone to know his true identity. After all, he’d made a wish to become human. To not be Solomon anymore. Besides, it probably wouldn’t have been good for Goetia to realize Solomon was right in front of him. David was sure his son could handle this. Most servants may have seen Roman as a bumbling fool, but he was, in all honesty, a very capable leader. David had made sure of that. If anyone could bring down Goetia, it would be Romani Archaman.

Meanwhile, David tried to do everything he could to make sure that Roman was happy. For the most part, Roman didn’t want anything to do with him, so David worked in secret. He could understand Roman’s desire to be away from him. When they were alone, they fell into old habits. Roman had had to stop himself a few times when he’d started to call David ‘father’. David would have been lying if he’d said his heart didn’t ache every time the word almost crossed Roman’s lips. But he resisted, staying out of Roman’s way.

Still, he couldn’t help meddling occasionally. Such as on Valentine’s Day. Valentine’s Day was chaos at Chaldea. All of Haru’s summoned servants were preparing chocolates, both for their Master and for each other. Mash herself was busy making some chocolate for her senpai under Emiya’s watchful guidance. He was in charge of most of the cooking since he was by far the best cook of the lot of them. Haru was sent rushing around all day, delivering and receiving chocolates all day. When night rolled around, David fully expected that he’d find her firmly wedged in her bed. Instead, he found her in the kitchen near midnight. She was wearing a shirt that was too large for her, likely borrowed from Roman, and a pair of shorts under the apron Martha had sewn for her. Or were those boxers?

“What are you doing up so late?” David asked, walking up behind her. Haru shrieked and almost dropped the bowl she was mixing ingredients in.

“You scared me!” She hissed, putting the bowl down.

“Sorry.” He smiled apologetically. “But what are you doing up so late? We all had a long day. I thought you’d be in bed.”

“I was going to go to bed,” Haru admitted. “But then I remembered that I forgot to give Doctor Roman some chocolates.” David stared at her for a moment, his face blank. Then a shit-eating grin spread across his face.

“Weeelll~” He wrapped an arm around her shoulder. “Does my Master have a crush on the good doctor?”

“W-What? N-No!” Haru sputtered, trying to push him off. “Shut up!” Her face had turned a rather delightful shade of red and she was waving her hands in what appeared to be an attempt at denial.

“You protesting only makes me think it’s true~” David’s smile widened. Haru groaned, covering her face with her hands.

“Alright. Fine. Maybe a little.” She finally said, lowering her hands. “He’s just…He’s such a nice guy. And he’s most of the reason me and Mash survived in all the Singularities.” She started fidgeting with the hem of her apron. “I know it’s kind of weird, cause he’s almost 30 and I’m only 17, but…he deserves to be appreciated. He’s just so awesome…” She smiled softly at the ground.

“I wouldn’t say it’s weird.” David patted her back. “Roman’s a good man.”

“Really? You think so?” Haru seemed surprised by this response. “Most of the people here talk a lot of shit about him.”

“We give him a lot of shit, but he’s a good guy.” David shrugged. He would never speak ill of his son. Tease him, yes, as was his duty as his father, but never insult him. Honestly, he couldn’t have been prouder of who his son had become. Solomon had managed to become human, had gotten the chance to live out his life for himself. But he’d come to Chaldea to prevent the Incineration of Humanity. He’d given up his chance to be free and happy to help save the world. Roman was out of his depth, he was scared, he was powerless, and yet he continued.

“He is.” Haru nodded dreamily before quickly snapping out of her stupor. “A-Anyway, I thought he deserved to get some chocolate too. I didn’t have time to make him any today so I wanted to make it before I went to bed.”

“Mind if I help?” David glanced at the counter to see how much she’d gotten done. So far it seemed as though she’d just made the chocolate batter or whatever it was called.

“You…You want to help?” Haru tilted her head to the side. She had such interesting facial expressions. They were so expressive.

“I’m pretty sure the others’ll kill me if they found out I let you stay up this late.” David lowered his voice to a conspiratorial tone. “Two of us working will help get it done faster. That way you can go to bed sooner.”

“Well, alright.” She smiled shyly, then began explaining what she needed help doing.

It warmed his heart to know that his master was in love with Solomon. She was such a sweet girl. He was certain she’d make a lovely daughter-in-law. Were she not 17, he might have even meddled a bit and tried to get her and Roman together. But she was 17 and it was awkward and for now, he’d just let her little crush run its course. At the very least, it was good to know that Roman had someone in his corner to cheer him on despite all the obstacles.

“It’s done!” Haru proclaimed, holding up the finished chocolates. David had helped her wrap them too, although his wrapping skills left something to be desired.

“Do you want to give it to him now or in the morning?” David asked, glancing at the clock. It was a little after 1 am. Far too late for either Haru or Roman to be up. But David knew Roman was probably still chatting with that Internet idol.

“Now,” Haru said. “I don’t want him to think I forgot about him.” She held the box to her chest, her eyes bright. She was covered in flour, cocoa powder, and a little bit of butter and would probably need a shower before she went to bed.

“Well then, let’s go.” David gave her a wink. Haru nodded fervently, making an excited little noise.

Together, they crept through the darkened hallways toward Roman’s room. It took everything both of them had not to start giggling. The more responsible servants, and Mash, wouldn’t hesitate to chew them out if they caught the pair sneaking around this late. Emiya was the first to come to mind, but Boudica and Jeanne were just as likely to scold them. They were almost caught once when Jekyll heard them moving around and came out of his room to look for the source of the noise. Thankfully, they were able to hide in time and he didn’t see them.

Once they’d reached Roman’s room (the light was still on, as expected), Haru knocked and waited. It took a moment or two for Roman to respond. He answered the door dressed in a t-shirt and shorts, not unlike Haru’s attire. Peering past him, David could see that the computer was on and open to Magi Mari’s web page.

“Haru? What are you doing up so late?” He asked, worry immediately clouding his features.

“I realized I forgot to make you chocolate today.” Haru smiled shyly, holding out the box. “So, um, happy Valentine’s Day.”

“You didn’t need to make me chocolate,” Roman said, although he accepted the box all the same.

“But I wanted to!” Haru insisted. “We all give you so much shit. I thought you deserved something nice.”

“I helped,” David added. Roman’s smile faltered a bit as David stepped into view.

“That was…nice of you.” He forced himself to remain cheerful, but David could tell the good doctor was incredibly uncomfortable with his presence.

“I hope you’ll like it.” Haru began to fidget with her apron. “I mean, I know I’m not all that good of a cook-”

“I’m sure it’s very good,” Roman assured her, reaching out to pat her head with his free hand. “I’ll try it in the morning. Right now, I think we both need to go to bed.”

“Yeah.” Haru giggled. “Um…I’ll go now.” She ran off down the hallway before Roman could say good night. Roman smiled to himself, laughing softly. David slipped away as well, not wanting to overstay his welcome. The look on Roman’s face lingered in his mind, however, once more reminding him of how much happier his son was now.

After Babylonia, David went to see his son. The end was nearing and if his son was going to die, and David had a feeling he would, he wanted to give Solomon a proper apology. He found Roman in his room, hunched over his desk. His gloves were off, revealing a single ring on his right hand.

“Doctor.” David knocked politely on the doorframe. Roman nearly fell out of his chair, scrambling to put his glove back on.

“There’s no need for that.” David closed the door. “I know who you are, my son.”

Roman paused, glove half on. “How…How long have you known?”

“From the moment I was summoned.”

Roman stared at him. His expression was hard to read, but he appeared torn between frustration and something like sadness.

“…Why didn’t you say anything?” He asked, his voice soft. He put the glove on the desk, resting his hands in his lap.

“It was pretty clear you didn’t want your identity known,” David said, sitting down on the bed opposite him. “And…You seem happy like this. As Romani Archaman.” He smiled gently. “Are you happy?”

“I am,” Roman replied without hesitation. David’s heart felt heavy.

“I’m glad.” He cast his gaze downward, resting on the ring. One of ten. He assumed the false Solomon had the other 9. They were silent for a moment or two. David was the one who finally broke the silence.

“I came to apologize.” He said. “We seem to be close to the end of whatever this is, and if there’s a chance I won’t get to see you again, I wanted to give you the apology I never did when we were alive.” He took a deep breath, getting up and crossing the room so that he was standing above his son.

“You were never allowed to be a human being because of me. I abandoned you to God so that you could be the perfect king.” He hesitated. “I…I was not the father I should have been. You deserved far better than the life I forced upon you.” David might have been summoned in the prime of his youth, but at that moment, he looked so much older. Almost like the man Roman remembered from his childhood, always so solemn and serious.

“My son.” He cupped Roman’s face in his hands, smiling softly. “I’m so proud of you.”

“Really?” Roman’s voice was quiet and hopeful.

“Really.” David nodded. “If anyone can defeat Goetia, it’s you. I know you can do this.” Roman reached a shaking hand up to place it against David’s.

“Thank you…Father.”

“You’re welcome.”

Everything was going to be fine. They would beat Goetia and Roman could finally be a normal person.

Then came the Temple of Time. And…He was gone. His son was…gone. He’d erased himself from existence to finally defeat Goetia. Quite a few conflicting emotions roiled in David’s chest. On one hand, his son was gone. And that was awful. But Roman had truly been happy during his existence. David wasn’t sure how to feel. So he went to see his Master.

“You knew, didn’t you?” Haru said. Her back was to him. She hadn’t changed out of her Chaldea uniform, still covered in dust, debris, and blood. David hesitated in the doorway.

“Yes. I did.” He finally said.

She curled up tighter. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“It wasn’t for me to tell.” He answered. “He wanted to keep his identity a secret. To protect all of you.” Haru sniffled loudly. She’d been so happy when she’d discovered Mash was alive and the two of them had gone out and seen the sun for the first time in a year. But the happiness had eventually worn off. Even if Mash was back…Roman was still gone. And he wasn’t coming back. She couldn’t even summon him since he’d erased himself from the Throne of Heroes. He was just…gone.

“It’s not fair.” She muttered.

“Life isn’t fair.” He walked in and sat down on the edge of the bed.

“It’s not fair.” She repeated, fresh tears welling up in her eyes. “Everyone else was fine! Everyone else was alright! Why…Why did he have to go?!” The tears began to stream down her face as she curled tighter around her favorite stuffed animal. “I don’t want him to be gone! I don’t want him to be dead!”

“I know…” David reached out and put a hand on her back. He’d never expected that he’d have to see his son die. He’d died before Solomon had when they’d been alive. He’d seen his children die before, and it had been terrible every time. It certainly hadn’t gotten any less terrible, that was for sure.

“I don’t want him to be gone…” Her whole body was wracked with sobs, to the point where she could barely talk. David sighed, drawing her into his lap and stroking her hair as a father would.

“I won’t tell you that everything is going to be alright.” His voice was gentle and calm as he spoke. “I won’t tell you it’ll get easier and you won’t stop missing him. But I want you to remember that he was happy while he was here.” Haru sniffled loudly, looking questioningly up at him.

“He was happy here.” David continued, smiling reassuringly. “You and Mash and Da Vinci made him happy. I know you did. His life was worth living because you all were in it. And don’t forget that.” Haru just sniffled again, burying her face in his stomach once more. David continued to hold her, stroking her hair until she fell asleep. Once he was sure his Master couldn’t hear him, he turned his gaze skyward.

“Take care of him, please.” He whispered. Perhaps Bathsheba would be waiting to welcome her son into the kingdom of Heaven. He certainly hoped so. His son deserved a reward. He just wished it could have been a life of his own.

#fate grand order #fanfiction #romani archaman #david (fgo)#gudako #tw: character death #tw: mentions of rape

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imaginetonyandbucky · 5 years

Note

Can someone do a story where the Soldier is the main personality in bucky/winter headspace and that he sides with tony in the whole winter soldier civil war arc? It can have anything else but i would perfer no steve/tony. Thankyou.

Combined with:

May I have post-CW angst please? Heart-wrenching, sad sad angst. Happy ending, ofc. Please, no Steve bashing - both Tony and Bucky love their friend.

No Steve bashing was SUPER easy, since I love Steve and would never bash him, even when he’s made some pretty dumbass decisions. :D I’m not sure I was able to give AwesomeBees exactly what she wanted (I couldn’t bring myself to have the Winter Soldier as the main personality, and I know my feelings on the Accords are pretty clear), but I tried!

On AO3

Everything Good

“Hey,Boss,” F.R.I.D.A.Y. said, “Captain Rogers is on the phone. He wantsto speak to you.”

Itwas late afternoon at the Facility, and Tony had his hands full—literally—with Rhodey,helping him during one of his physio sessions. Honestly, Rhodey was lucky he wasgripping the parallel bars, because Tony was so shocked he nearly dropped him.

“Uh,yeah. Put him through, Fri. Wait.” Tony glanced at the therapist, thengrimaced apologetically at Rhodey. “You two good without me, kids?”

“Yousure you’re up for this, Tones?” Rhodey asked instead of answering. Tonywas sure he’d have put his hand on Tony’s shoulder if he didn’t need both ofthem to hold onto the bars for dear life. He’d come a long way in the lastcouple months or so, but a spinal injury wasn’t something you could just walkoff. Even with a mobile brace.

Unlessyou were Steve Rogers, probably. Not that Tony had come close to paralyzinghim. That had been more what Tony had done to Bucky, though for a moment thereTony had honestly thought Steve was going to decapitate him and he reallyneeded to stop thinking about that.

“Iwas born up for this, Rhodeybear,” Tony said. He was absolutely certainhis grin looked 100% fake, but he held it like parallel bars while Rhodeystared at him. Tony let that painfully accessing gaze settle until Rhodey justlet out a breath and gave Tony a sad, knowing smile.

“Just,be careful,” Rhodey said. “I know how hard this whole thing’s been onyou. I don't—”

“Ipromise I’ll be home by midnight with a full tank of gas, Dad,” Tony saidbreezily, cutting Rhodey off. He turned his back and strode to the locker rooms,waving over his shoulder and taking merciless advantage of how his best friendcouldn’t follow him. It was a dick move for sure; just one more thing to feel guiltyabout. God knew Tony was used to that.

(More after the break!)

“Okay,F.R.I.D.A.Y., put him through.” Tony was sitting on the bench in theshower cubicle he’d designed specifically for Rhodey. Half the showers hadalready been disabled-accessible (never knew when one of the regular-humantypes would be badly injured), but Tony had made sure the one for Rhodey wasspacious, non-slip and top of the line for ease of use. He also knew he hadabout half an hour at least before Rhodey would finish his physio and wheel orstagger his way in here to use it.

Andhey, Tony could always take a shower after the call, if he needed to scrubhimself clean. Win/win.

“Tony?”

Thatwas…Yeah, okay, that was definitely Steve’s voice. But also not Steve’s voice.In that Tony had never heard Steve sound like that. Not even in Tony’sScarlett-Witchy hallucination where the guy was dying. Steve had just soundedaccusing, then. Angry. Of course, that hadn’t been reality, just Tony’s ownfucked-up brain playing pretend. Not that things had ended up particularlydifferently in reality, really. Other than nobody dying.

Notfor lack of tying, Tony’s brain couldn’t help pointing out. He knewhe needed to stop doing that.

But,Steve. Specifically his voice. Tony had never heard Steve sound that badbefore. Steve sounded terrible. Not just tired, though if hewas still in Wakanda it was going on 1:00 AM. No, Steve sounded like he was atthe end of his rope, but there wasn’t enough slack to tie a knot. And therewere hungry wolves circling in the ravine.

LikeTony had felt in the missile silo, watching Steve pick up his friend and walkaway.

“Yeah,it’s me,” Tony said, heart pounding. Normally he might’ve added somethinglike, ‘What’s up, Capsicle?’, go for bravado when inwardly he was quailing. ButSteve sounded like death and he’d never appreciated Tony’s pretense anyway. SoTony went for honesty instead. “You sound terrible. What’s wrong?”

“Ithink….” Steve took a breath that sounded like he he’d been crying.“I think Bucky’s dead.”

Tonynearly dropped his phone. As it was, if it’d been anything other than aStarkphone his white-knuckled grip might’ve cracked the screen. “Oh myGod,” he said, hushed with sudden, aching fear. “What do you mean,you think he’s dead? What happened?” A million scenarios were alreadyswarming like hornets through Tony’s mind: Bucky vanished in the Wakandanwilderness; Bucky abducted by Ross, or Hydra, or taken by one of the manycountries where Hydra had unleashed him; Bucky trapped in his broken Wakandan cryochamber, entombed like a bug in amber; Bucky in a coma, succumbing to poison orillness or (Dear God, please no) the unforeseen effects ofthe damage Tony inflicted on him.

“Was…wasit me? What I did?” Tony asked, small-voiced with terror. It was horriblyselfish, disgustingly self-centered of him to even ask. But Tony couldn’t not.If Bucky died, part of Steve would die with him. Tony didn’t think he couldhandle finding Bucky only to lose him again. But if Bucky died and it was Tony’s fault….

Therewould be no hope for reconciliation, no hope for the Avengers ever again. Tonywould have gained a nemesis worse than anything he could every imagine. Otherthan himself.

“Wedon’t know,” Steve said, and maybe it was the lack of certainty, but ithit like a fist to Tony’s solar plexus. A metal fist to his reactor and God he needed to fucking stop.“Shuri said…” Stevepaused, obviously steeling himself. “She said it was possible. That…that theshock of his arm being destroyed like that might’ve caused some neurologicaldamage. And then there was the kick to the head.”

Tonyclosed his eyes, clutching the phone to his ear so he wouldn’t slam it into theshower wall. “I’m sorry,” he said, voice thick and rough and gratingin his ears. “Steve. I—”

“Isaid we don’t know, Tony,” Steve cut him off, as ifthat was supposed to make him feel better. ��Shuri said it was possible.But, Winter said it didn’t make a difference.”

Tonyhad spoken to Shuri, before. She’d assumed Steve and Bucky would want to comeback to the U.S. at some point, so as a courtesy she’d sent Tony the specs forBucky’s new arm. It was a sleek, beautiful thing he was privileged to be ableto understand. Shuri was still a child, but her intellect already shone like asun.

Hedidn’t know Winter, but it was a terrible relief to have someone say whateverhappened wasn’t Tony’s fault. Except it was hard to imagine Shuri being wrongabout anything. “Is Winter a neurologist?”

Hecould practically hear Steve’s confusion. “No,” he said.“Winter’s Bucky.”

Tonywaited a beat, then another. It still didn’t make any sense. “I don’tunderstand,” he said, though something in Steve’s voice had a cold, quietdread creeping up Tony’s spine.

“Winter’sBucky,” Steve said, as if it would be more comprehensible with repetition.His sigh sounded as heavy as the ice that buried him. “The doctorswho…accessed him said it’s called Dissociative Identity Disorder.” He madea sound that had almost nothing to do with laughing. “I didn’t even know thatwas a thing that could happen to people. But, yeah. Bucky isn't…Bucky anymore.He calls himself ‘Winter’. He’s not the Winter Soldier,” Steve addedquickly, “He hasn’t done anything like what happened in Berlin. He hasn’thurt anyone at all. He’s just….” Steve pulled in another breath thatshuddered. “He’s not Bucky.”

Tonyhadn’t even been thinking about the terrifying, snarling juggernaut who’d beatthe shit out of him in Berlin, but that didn’t stop ice flooding his guts whenSteve reminded him. Tony knew Shuri had removed the trigger words from Bucky’shead. But, yeah. Nice to hear Steve’s bestie hadn’t shoved him through anotherwall.

“Why?”Tony asked, still trying to wrap his head around Dissociative IdentityDisorder and Steve calling him for anything. “Whathappened?”

“Idon’t know.” Steve swallowed. “Winter said he needed to protectBucky. After…after what happened. So he wasn't…he wasn’t gonna let him outanymore. And. And I tried to talk to Bucky, but Winter wouldn’t let me. And…andwhat if he’s dead? What if he’s not, not even there anymorebecause it’s just Winter now? What if Bucky’s gone, and, andI—”

Stevestarted sobbing. Great, wracking gulps of air, each one followed by ashuddering gasp like cracking bone. “What if he’s dead,Tony? Oh, God. Oh, my God. What do I do? What am I going to do?”

“Whoa,whoa. Shh. It’s okay. Nobody’s dead, Steve,” Tony tried. Then,“Bucky’s not dead!” Forcefully, when Steve just made a broken noiseof negation. “That’s not how it works! It doesn’t work like that. Honest.I’m no expert, but, it doesn’t work like that. None of the identities die,okay? They’re just…in the background. Or something. I’m not sure about thatpart. But I promise you, Bucky is not dead.”

“Really?”Steve sniffled. He sounded so desperate for hope that Tony, who had troublewith other peoples’ emotions at the best of times, nearly broke down himself.“You’re sure? He wouldn’t talk to me.”

“Yeah,well, you said Winter was protecting him, right? So, he’s probably in his happyplace. I wouldn’t want to come out either.” Tony winced, wondering ifSteve would think that sounded as much like bullshit as Tony did. He stood andleft the shower stall, then strode into the hallway with his phone mashed tohis ear. He knew appallingly little about psychology, considering how manydisorders he’d been diagnosed with over the years. It was about an eight hourflight to Wakanda in a Quinjet; plenty of time to read up on the subject.

Notthat he had any idea what he’d do about it, once he gotthere. But, Steve had called him for a reason. And even if that was tomore-or-less accuse Tony of making Bucky mentally ill, Tony couldn’t listen toSteve crying his guts out and just do nothing. “I’m heading to the landingpad right now. I can be at the palace in eight hours. Do you want me to bringanything? Anyone?” he asked, thinking as he moved. “Wanda’s offsomewhere with Vision, but she’s got that hand-wavy telepathy stuff. Icould—”

“Winterwanted to talk to you,” Steve said. “He didn’t say why, exactly. But itsounded like he wants assurance you’re not going to try to kill him anymore.”

Tonystopped moving so fast he practically gave himself whiplash in the corridor.His first reaction was a blood-hot flare of rage. “You sure as fuck neverpull your punches, do you?”

Therewas a second of stunned silence. “I don’t understand,” Steve said atlast. “I just meant, Winter doesn’t want Bucky to come out. And, he reallywanted to talk to you. So I thought…maybe if you can promise you won't…attackhim again, it’ll help?”

Tonyforced back the anger he knew wasn’t really aimed at Steve. “I don’t getit, though. Why would that help? I mean, I won’t attack him again.” Itfelt important to say it out loud. “But, it’s not like I’m a threat to himwithout my armor. When I tried to fight him in Berlin he kicked my ass.”

“Thatwas the Winter Soldier,” Steve said. “The trigger words compelled himto come out.”

“Oh.”There wasn’t much else he could say to that. It made sense, considering howBucky had seemed more lethal before the silo. Which, honestly, only made Tonyfeel that much worse. He rubbed his forehead. “You really think Winter’staken over for Bucky because of me?”

“Idon’t know,” Steve repeated bleakly. “But…you really hurt him, whenyou blasted his arm. And I think you would’ve killed him if I hadn’t stoppedyou.” He hesitated, maybe waiting for Tony to deny it. Tony couldn’t.“So,” Steve went on a too-long moment later, “maybe that’s whatWinter was thinking about. When he took over. That this way you couldn’t hurt Buckyanymore.”

“Fuck,”Tony muttered. Like he didn’t already feel badly enough about this whole mess. “Look.Steve? I…” He gritted his teeth. No time like the excruciating present,right? “I’m sorry. For what it’s worth, I am so, so fucking sorry for whathappened. I know the Accords ended up a fucking trash fire, but I’d really….Fuck,” he said on an exhale. “I was counting on you, okay? I thoughtthat you, of all people, would understand why no one with super powers shouldbe running around without any kind of control. After Ultron I really thoughtyou’d agree with me about that. But not only did you not agree, you wereperfectly happy to fuck me over, as well as everything I’d been trying toaccomplish, to go on a field trip with your fugitive buddy—”

“Buckyshould never have been a fugitive,” Steve snapped. “And you know whywe went to Siberia. I wasn’t happy to ‘fuck you over’, Tony! I never wanted togo against you! I wanted your help! But you’d already signed the Accords. Ourhands were tied just as much as yours.”

“Idid help you!” Tony said. “I lied to Ross and went to find you. Iwanted to help.”

“Iknow,” Steve said. “And when you arrived, I was grateful. I thought…Ithought we could start mending fences. Trust each other again. But we know howit turned out.”

“Youlied to me,” Tony said. “You’re talking about trust, but you lied by omission, and then you lied to myface.”

“Andthen you tried to kill my best friend!” Steve shot back. “The oneperson who hadn’t done anything wrong. Even T'Challa could see that. Whycouldn’t you?”

“Idon’t know!” That was, ironically, a lie. Tony did know. He absolutelyknew why he’d lost all reason and self control and had almost done somethingunforgivable to a man he actually admired. He took a couple breaths through histeeth, forced himself to keep going. “I wanted to hurt you,” he saidat last. There was an awful, sickly relief in finally admitting it. “You’dbetrayed me by not signing the Accords. With your fucking perfect teeth andperfect morality.“—Tony wondered if Steve’s perfect hearing caught thefinger quotes—"You had to be so Goddamn self-righteous you couldn’t even consider my point of view. And I was trying! I was trying sodamn hard to do the right thing. To protect everyone. To make all the damagewe’d done mean something. But you wouldn’t even consider it.”

“Iread the Accords, Tony,” Steve said. “And I found—”

“Youcould have tried!” Tony shouted over him. “Youcould have tried, but you didn’t. And it hurt. I can admit it. It hurt likehell.” It still hurt: This was years’ worth of pain he couldn’t hold backanymore. It felt like when Obie had torn the reactor out. “And then I gotto see the Winter Soldier killing my parents. And you knew. You knew he’d done it, but you chose your friend overme. So you betrayed me again. First by lying by omission, then by lying to myface. “And I just….

“Ilost it, okay?” Tony said. “I just fucking lost it. I wanted to hurthim, for what he did. And I really wanted to hurt you. Iwanted you to feel the way I felt.”

Hecould hear Steve swallow in the silence on the other end of the line.“Bucky didn’t deserve that,” Steve said quietly. “Maybe…maybe Idid. But Bucky didn’t.”

“Iknow,” Tony said. “And I’m sorry. I am so fucking sorry. I had a reallybad couple days and a fucking truckload of daddy issues, and I took it out onhim. And I will never forgive myself for that.” He gave a sharp, unhappysmirk, “That was actually what I’d intended to lead with, when I startedtalking a minute ago. Kind of lost the train there.”

“You’reright,” Steve said, and Tony gasped. “I should’ve tried harder to seeyour side with the Accords, not just what I didn’t like about it. I could havetried to get them amended, come up with something we all could agree on. I’mused to acting with minimal oversight, but I also used to work on behalf ofS.H.I.E.L.D., and before that it was the S.S.R. I do understand the necessityof checks and balances. But I was scared of our hands being tied when peopleneeded us the most.

“AndI never should’ve lied to you, Tony,” Steve said. “I was a coward. Itold myself I was doing it for you, but I was doing it for myself. For Bucky. Icouldn’t bear the idea of you hating him. But I can’t help thinking that if I’djust, grown a fucking spine, the video wouldn’t have been…so hard to take. Forany of us. I was a lousy friend, and I’m sorry.”

“Oh,”Tony said again, just as lost for words as before. “Thank you.” He didn’tknow if he could forgive Steve for what he’d done. Tony had been flayed alive.The fact that what Tony had done in retaliation was worsedidn't—couldn't—change that. “I, um, would’ve helped Bucky anyway.”

Heowed Bucky so much more than that. It was the least he could do to begin tomake things right.

“Iknow,” Steve said, and Tony’s shriveled, shrunken heart unfurled a bit,like an underfed flower reaching for the light. “I know you would. Thankyou. I can’t tell you how much this means to me.”

“Thendon’t,” Tony said, all breeze and bravado. “Don’t worry about it. Seeyou on the flipside.”

Hehung up, then asked F.R.I.D.A.Y. to tell Rhodey where he was going, and to havehis armor meet him at the Quinjet, just in case. Not that Tony was expectingtrouble, but, better safe than sorry. And he hadn’t been feeling all that safethese days. Amazing how that happened, being alone.

Onephone call couldn’t change that, but….

ButTony’s heart had something to reach for. It was a start.

Read the rest on AO3!

#winteriron #tony x bucky #tony stark #bucky barnes #winter soldier #steve rogers #shuri #civil war fix-it #angst #happy ending #prompts #taste is sweet

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wolfpawn · 5 years

Text

Life Is a Game of Risks

Chapter Summary - Alexianna and Tom take Sophie and Lily to the beach, causing Alexianna to feel guilty before they go to Diana's home for the evening and Tom makes Alexianna deal with her scars, even if she is unsure.

TRIGGERS - Past domestic abuse, Past emotional abuse, Past sexual abuse.

Previous Chapter

Tags: @damalseer @hiddlesbitch1 @winterisakiller @theoneanna

Request if you wish to be tagged

Alexianna smiled as Lily giggled uncontrollably, having been brought to the seaside for the first time in her life. She seemed to almost become a different child as she used a stick to draw in the sand and watched the water crash on the shoreline. Sophie was beside her, helping her draw her name in the sand.

‘Are you okay?’ Tom looked at her, noting the sadness on her face.

‘I am failing her.’ Alexianna’s voice was tight.

Tom immediately pulled her to him. ‘What makes you say that?’

‘She...this is the first time she has had something as normal as a visit to the seaside.’

‘Lexi, you had no car or the way to bring her, you are getting over this issue of yours now and she is only four, not fourteen, relax, you are not failing her.’ He kissed the top of her head. ‘Look at her, look how happy she is, don’t feel sad when she is so happy.’ Alexianna gave a small smile. ‘Take a picture, send it to Daniel, he would want to see this.’

‘I didn’t bring my phone.’ She admitted.

‘We’ll use mine.’ Tom reached into his pocket and took out his phone, taking two pictures without Lily noticing before calling her. ‘Lily Princess, we need a picture for Uncle Daniel.’ Upon hearing her uncle’s name, Lily squeaked with joy and rushed over, smiled wide, her hair every direction, the cool windy weather causing her to have a runny nose. ‘What do we say for pictures?’ He laughed.

‘Pikachu!’

Tom looked to Alexianna who was laughing at her daughter, not knowing where she got that from. ‘I was thinking cheese.’

‘But I don’t like cheese.’

‘Then say please.’ Alexianna suggested laughing.

‘How about pineapple?’ Lily suggested.

‘Just say Lily, please or even say nothing and smile.’ Her mum smiled.

‘Fine.’ Lily frowned for a moment, but seeing Tom pointing the phone at her, she smiled widely. ‘Now you and me, Mummy.’

‘No.’ Alexianna refused, stepping back.

‘Yes.’ Tom stated, ‘He’d love that.’

‘Tom, please.’ The way Alexianna looked at him pleadingly, with tears in her eyes told Tom everything.

‘Okay, it’s okay.’ He pulled her to him and kissed her temple. ‘We’ll get a picture of Mum in a minute, okay Princess, how about a big smile?’ Lily was about to complain about her mother not taking a photo with her, but as soon as Tom mentioned another photograph, she beamed widely. When he was done, she demanded to see them all, scolding him if one was blurry. Lily watched as Tom sent the pictures and a video of her saying hello to her uncle by PM on Facebook and they continued with their day, Tom making sure to reassure Alexianna with small gestures as they did so.

By evening, Lily was bleary-eyed on the couch watching Moana with Sophie, the fresh air and the hours spent outside having worn both girls out. Tom and Alexianna were the two cleaning up after the dinner since it was cooked while they took the girls out.

‘Did you enjoy the beach?’ Tom asked, looking at Alexianna drying a plate.

‘Yeah, it was nice.’ She gave a small smile.

‘Lexi…’ She looked at him in a way that told him she knew what he was going to ask. ‘Why don’t you want a picture of you and Lily?’

‘I don’t like photos.’

‘They use not bother you when you were younger.’ It was true, she never rushed into pictures, but when she and Emma used to laugh and have fun if there was a camera around, she used to pull funny faces with his sister and smile.

‘I just don’t.’ She stated, refusing to say any more on the subject.

He pulled her against him. ‘You are beautiful, inside and out.’ He stated, kissing her forehead. ‘We have had people take photos of us together.’ He reminded her. Admittedly neither had consented to it and the photographers did not seem too respectful of the clear dislike that she had for their actions.

‘In all fairness, they don’t get too close, if they did get a close-up, it is blurry, they can’t see them.’

Tom frowned for a moment and realised she was referencing her scars. He often forgot about them, knowing that they were there, he never actually paid any attention to them, but clearly, she was bothered by it. She never wore her hair up and did nothing to bring attention to her face. Even now, as she cleaned dishes in a warm house, her sleeves were down. ‘You are more than those scars, you know that, right?’ He pulled up her sleeve on her right arm, the one that took the brunt of the car crash. ‘These mean you survived. You showed me the photos of the crash, he ploughed into you at forty miles per hour in a large metal machine and you are still here.’ He kissed the healed wounds.

‘But when people find out about them…’

‘They will realise how incredibly strong you are.’

‘Or say he should have gone fifty and done the job right.’ She stated.

Tom swallowed, there were “fans” out there that wished ill on their celebrity crushes partners. He was sure, somewhere in the far corners of the internet, someone somewhere, under the anonymity of pixels on a screen would say something like that. He pulled her against him and kissed her head. ‘Don’t say that, please don’t say things like that. You are incredible and if something more happened you I would never have gotten to see you again, I would not have had the chance to tell you I love you. Jesus, without you, there would be no Lily, that beautiful, sweet, wonderful little girl is only here because you are here. If you never see anything else worth it all, look at her, think of her when she is asleep or looking up at you with that sweet twinkle in her eye of excitement as she tells you about her day in school, don’t ever think that it would have been better if he had.’

‘You can be a big sweetheart sometimes, do you know that?’

‘As long as it makes you realise how great you are, I’m okay with it. Just don’t tell anyone, I am the most mischievous God in the universes, okay?’ She laughed against him. ‘Come on, we’ll get this sorted.’ he urged her back to the dishes.

‘Hey, how are things going in here, has Tom broken any dishes yet?’ Sarah joked as she came in to get some tea not long after.

‘I never broke a dish, that was you and you blamed me.’

‘I broke two other ones that day, if dad found out I broke a third, he’d have kicked my ass.’

‘So poor Tom took the blame, why not blame Emma, she is six years younger? She’d have gotten away with it.’ Alexianna asked.

‘I said that too, but no, it had to be me. I was punished for it too, an evening without TV, and something good was on too, I can’t remember what, but it was good and I had been wanting to watch it.’

‘I’m sorry.’ Sarah stated honestly. ‘I promise never to blame you again.’

‘We are adults now; if you cannot take the blame at this stage, when can you?’ Tom scoffed.

Sarah rolled her eyes for a moment before her gaze came to Alexianna’s rolled up sleeve, which caused her eyes to widen before she could help herself. Swallowing to try and get rid of the lump in her throat, she cleared her voice before speaking again. ‘Do...do you need help in here?’

Both Tom and Alexianna had realised what had happened, Alexianna immediately pulling her sleeve down. ‘No, we have it covered.’ Tom insisted. He looked at Alexianna, who could not take her gaze from the floor. ‘Alexianna, as you know, was in a car crash and her right arm took a lot of the damage, she had glass shards and even part of a Bentley embedded in it and two surgeries to fix it, so she can get a little bothered with its appearance.’ Alexianna looked at him shocked. ‘You are so hung up on thinking you look terrible you are not enjoying being around people who love and care about you.’ She looked at him guiltily.

‘We see enough people being fake or not who they really are around us, trying to get to Tom or with Sarah with her work.’ They turned to see Diana walking into the room. ‘No one in this family is allowed to feel as though they cannot be themselves in here. Wrinkles, grey hairs, scars and even high hairlines,’ Tom rubbed his forehead at that, fully aware of his ever-receding hairline. ‘It’s all normal in here.’

‘And stretchmarks.’ Sarah reminded her mother.

‘Are those a thing now, back in my day, no one gave a monkey’s about them.’

‘They are, and cellulite.’ Sarah informed her mother.

‘No wonder so many girls are starving themselves these days or caking themselves in make-up, you cannot be yourself.’ Diana shook her head. ‘So what is so bad you are risking your sleeves being dirty to hide it?’ She asked.

Alexianna looked at her scared before looking to Tom, who immediately came to her side to show her he was there for her. Shaking slightly, she lifted up her sleeve to which Diana walked over and inspected it. ‘Well, you were always a tough cookie, I bet that was not pleasant.’

Alexianna found herself laughing, ‘No, I spent a month on heavy-duty painkillers for it because of the operations too.’ She admitted. ‘My ulnar is more metal than bone now.’

Diana immediately pulled her to her and hugged her tightly, ‘You don’t have to worry about that here. You are you and we love you for who you are. Am I clear?’ She nodded. ‘Scars are proof we lived, no one gets through this life unscathed. Even this silly boy has some.’ Diana pointed to Tom, who rubbed his forehead from his accident in the Donmar. ‘Now, no more silliness, do you hear me?’

‘Are you mad at me?’ Alexianna looked at Tom, who was sheepishly standing behind her in his old bedroom as they got ready for bed.

‘No.’

‘You have been quite quiet with me this evening.’

‘Tom, I’m tired.’ She stated, not looking at him.

Tom, however, did not yield, having realised in their time together, she had a tendency to go into a quiet state, not saying anything. ‘I had no right to tell my family about your arm, I’m sorry.’

‘You had no right.’ She snapped, looking back at him, her face a mixture of angry and hurt. ‘I don’t want people knowing about it.’

‘I know, I thought if they knew, you would not worry and you could just get on with life without having to think to keep your sleeve down around them. I’m sorry.’ He stated sadly.

‘I decide who I tell what about in my life, you do not get to do that.’ She had tears in her eyes as she spoke. ‘I am not something to be pointed at.’

‘No, you’re not, hence why telling those around you your issues is important, we need to be able to show you that there is nothing wrong with you, that you are perfect.’ Alexianna scoffed. ‘Yes, you are perfect as you are, scars and all, or do you not realise that when I tell you that I love you, and when we are intimate. Do you think what I say and how I react when I am with you, when we are in bed together, is just bullshit?’ Tom asked, his features displaying his hurt. ‘I want you to be part of my life like you say you want me in yours and Lily’s, but you do not trust me when I say I love you and your arm does not impact on that and seeing it cause you to clam up, seeing you ashamed or repulsed by it makes me so upset, because I want you to see it and think that that car crash is not going to define you, that even though it led to a difficult time, you got through it, that you have Lily and that you are glad to be where you are today, you’re doing well in work, your daughter is doing well in school and we are doing well, is that so hard for you?’ His voice filled with heartache for her, Alexianna looked at him guiltily. Tom wanted her to get past the bad that had happened. ‘The longer you hold onto the meaning of those scars, the longer you are allowing all of that in your life. Don’t let them or him take any more of your life, you have me and Lily, we want you to be happy, we want you to get past all that. You said the therapist was adamant to talk about him and that is why you did not want to continue going, but holding onto your opinion of your arm,’ he pointed to her arm. ‘Is doing exactly that.’ Alexianna stared at him shocked. ‘Don’t stay thinking about that, please.’ he beseeched. ‘You are not those scars, he and those thoughts you have do not deserve your time. You deserve better.’

Alexianna said nothing, instead, she stewed on his words before she bit her lips together and her eyes began to water. ‘Oh, God.’

‘Lexi?’

‘I...You’re right. I...I have been letting this...him stay in my head.’

Tom immediately walked over to her and pulled her to him, holding her tight as the realisation rocked her. ‘I’m here, don’t worry. You’ll be fine, you just need to work through it, it won’t be quick or easy, but you have me, Daniel, my family, we love you as you, okay?’ He kissed her head. ‘Even when I am busy, when I am working, you can text me and I will text or call you as soon as I have a chance, okay?’

‘Thank you for being honest.’ She hiccuped into his chest.

‘What do you mean?’

‘For not saying that you’ll be there no matter what, that you are being realistic.’

‘I have to be, I cannot say I will be there at the drop of a hat if it is not possible to be, that would be setting us up to fail, I don’t want to do that. It is the same for you, when I need something from this, from us, I have to wait for you to finish work or study or when you are not dealing with Lily.’

‘I know.’

‘I love you, Lexi, with your scars, stretch marks and when the time comes, even grey hairs.’ He promised, kissing her. ‘As much as I hope you don’t mind my scars, my receding hairline and the greys I know are edging in.’

‘Yes.’

‘Those scars are not you, they are just marks on your skin.’ He insisted, bringing her to the bed.

#Life is a Game of Risks #chapter 28 #tom hiddleston #tom hiddleston fic

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palukoo · 4 years

Text

so a couple months ago i relistened to w359 and made a 18000 word document while doing so containing iconic quotes, my reactions, feelings, et cetera. heres some highlights with varying amounts of context. (theres lowkey spoilers for the whole series btw)

""""i empathize too much""""

crazy how i still vividly remember walking outside [my old job] and to starbucks while listening to the spider ep... trauma

i mean i dont love it but it makes me feel things

GABRIEL THATS TOO ON THE NOSE

"let me have my badass space chick victory cocktail"

god like i AM team what wrong with handcuffs but I WOULD NOT HESITATE to kill hilbert for hera

the girlssss are fightinggg

THE SAD W359 MUSIC IS KILLING ME

like memoria who maxwell who jk jk

i love you renee minkowski marry me

local idiot's heart is in the right place

HARPOOOOOOONSSSS

lovelace lovelace lovelace loveLACE LOVELACE

"maybe she's some kind of clone thing" EIFFEL... this is day 1!!!

i hate these self sacrificial idiots

no no no not this music again ill cry

yall are so emotionally stunted it fucking hurts but damn if you dont care

literally how are they still alive

i want to hug her so much omg

alan rody shut the FUCK up im crying

rip zach valenti's throat

face the death reality via math

jacobi being a piece of shit

maxwell said lets kill hilbert rights

this is a kepler hate blog

minkowski thinking her emotions dont matter to the mission oh ho ho

"youre gonna straighten up" cutter they cant theyre not straight

maxwell and jacobi show up and blow up lads

"and you should really be more careful with your queen" KEPLER WHAT DOES THAT MEAN

wolf 359 stop making me stan these literally terrible people

FUNZO FUNZO FUNZO

i am caring about men tonight lads

theyre both awful sure go ahead have history

hilbert you interrupted their emotional moment they wouldve had a MOMENT

hera said im gay

ohhhh nooo interpersonal conflict makes me sad

hug minkowski rn

FRIENDSHIP IS MAGIC jacobi and maxwell are iconic

minkowski how did you not kill him

how much do yall use the words "good enough" and "cant"

"are you an alien" GOD the Hints

"one of our... sexier jobs" vs "this is gonna said less sexy after that"

eiffel stop cockblocking them

y'all's choice of pronouns IS illuminating

PROTECT HERA AT ALL COSTS

aw eiffel... minkowski... communication is KEY

oh yeah THATS what the psi wave regulator is for.... SURE

hilbert read the room

JACOBI you can't just describe minkowski like that without giving me a heart attack

how many times have all these bitches almost died

SORRY ANYTHING THEY SAY I LOSE IT

oh minkowski finally flipped (VALID)

oh wait that fact isnt fun at all and im literally crying

LIKE sometimes you save someone's life at great personal risk only to kill her a little while later

minkowski cries to “back to before” from ragtime

i feel to many things about the gals here idk what to tell you i love them thats the problem

its gay and it hurts!

lovelace laughing at people who can and will kill her... hot

OH WERE STARTING LOVELACES SELF SACRIFICE ALREADY

they let lovelace say FUCK

OH WAIT NO I FORGOT ITS WORSE

THANKS FOR MURDERING ME WITH YOUR TEARY ANGRY VOICE

ouchie anyways gay or no but also gay

hilarious and sad at the same time?

MAXWELL dont be a bitch... i expect this from jacobi and honestly i actually expect this from maxwell too but i dont like it

NO NOT THIS MUSIC

BROTP BROTP BROTP

i cant say anything else im too busy crying

UGH I COULD WRITE ESSAYS ON MY THOUGHTS ABOUT THIS THE MESSAGE THE TAKEAWAY BROADLY THE PERSONAL EMOTIONAL ANGUISH THE DESIRE TO HUG HERA ITS

im mad but thank you... all of you... explain...

stop stop stop im literally so tense gone straight from sobbing to freeze instinct

GOD I HATE ALL THESE SURVIVALS GUILT IDIOTS

OH theyre all about uncertainty... the what ifs... okay... ouch ouch ouch

give everyone awards for bolero

eris are you gay

she said gay rights and AI rights

like i know i know we been knew but goddard really is so awful

Hera stop narrating Lovelace’s ongoing existential crisis

HOW IS THIS NOT GAY (I know how it’s not gay but. Let me have this)

KEPLER stop giving Lovelace insecurities and existential crises

Team back off lovelace for the win

like not to be dramatic but her arc is beautiful

oh boy thats my girlsssss

THATS FLIRTING MINKOWSKI

god i love that concern for your gf keep it up minkowski

COMMUNICATION? WITH THIS CREW? BOLD

GOD angrey hera is great

you know hera is having the time of her life witnessing it

eiffel you just ruined their romantic moment

minkowski is gonna kill them

a much better gayer more altruistic light

WE’RE ALWAYS TALKING ABOUT COMMUNICATION

WAIT I WAS BEING CANON DAMN I THOUGHT I WAS BEING CREATIVE AND PERHAPS OOC BUT IM IN THE CLEAR I GUESS

god hera has needed to snap at eiffel for so long

i can already feel myself about to get hit with the tears... the emotions

that shit hits different renee

The implications that Goddard like destroyed global warming omfg

it’s the moral grayness babeyyy

when it hits you with minkowski's shaky sigh first thing you know its gonna hit different

MINKOWSKI i need you to. love yourself as much as i love you

GOD the mutual concern they always have for each other is touching whether or not you think its gay. i think its gay

HERA WOULD YOU ASK A COW TO NOT BE A COW

oh of COURSE they cut coms first

lovelace is man, butterfly is quote, it says "is this flirting"

jacobi i need you to chill

but jacobiiiii thats lovelaces schtick

oh eiffel... you fucking idiot who gets really lucky sometimes

this game of chicken where theyre both chickens and kepler doesnt know any of that and each of them only know half

minkowski said im an ethics teacher now

who taught minkowski empathy in high stress situations?

yeah so i stay hitting the nail on the head

“kepler SHUT UP” is what brings everyone together

this is, como se dice.... kinda gay

this statement does not bode well for that

“Maybe less talking to yourself” he says to himself

ugh, to be Pop Culture Man™️

RACHEL i love you even tho I also hate you

Rachel if you make one more hand joke I’ll lose my mind

HER NAME!!!! IS HERA!!!! And I love her!!

i have a vivid mental image of post-series eiffel doing stand up like chris fleming style

"my crew has made it very clear through a series of looks and gestures that one more slip up and i am out, thats it, so im taking this job very seriously"

"minkowski is very overprotective in a weird, erratic way, like when your seat belt randomly locks and its like i appreciate what youre trying to do but im going 4mph in a drive way."

"so when something like this happens you have to at least consider going away for a long time and living on a cursed space station"

"you know how when maxwell and hera are talking ive never felt less needed, you know, like ‘cause you guys would be totally happy alone on a rock in the middle of a lake"

"this is the kind of body you look at and go he'd probably be ok in space without a space suit"

the whole "theater kids" video is actually him going off about minkowski

minkowski is too swole for her own good

jacobi im gonna need you to take the redemption arc more seriously

i love my crazy crazy bitches

this FUCKING music

GOD HOW DOES PRYCE JUST ALWAYS GET WORSE

she just like mutilated that man he is doa absolutely destroyed one hit ko

can you tone down the gay, sweetie

you did it you broke rachel and Goddard down to their bare essentials

GOSH shes so AWKWARD

so damn jacobi was just IMMEDIATELY ride or die for maxwell

this is too much for my poor baby heart

pryce & carter literally are just like lets do eugenics, lets do genocide

when hera says ill pull a yall and sacrifice myself for minkowski and lovelace

god like cant believe KEPLER got a redemption arc (well not arc but you know)

ah yes the most tragic scenes all take place at once :)

I HAD TO STOP LISTENING TO BRAVE NEW WORLD CAUSE IT MADE ME TOO CRAZYYYY

THE SCRIPT SAID IT NOT ME

i love space moms!

this fucking music ALAN RODY IM SUING FOR DAMAGES

like the document also does have a lot of like deep thoughts and meta and parallels and discussion of motivations but this is just fun random things i said

#wolf 359 #w359 #i think im funny #im not gonna do character tags lol #my post #gotta love my trend of telling the music to fuck off

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pilesofmyimperfections · 5 years

Text

It can happen to anyone

It’s been an amazing year. The most incredible year of my life. I found my soulmate, my honey-love, my king, the man that I’ve been wishing for, for so long. We got married and we are having a baby, a baby that I never thought I would have though I dreamed of it, due to many fertility issues. And I am grateful, more than that; I am blessed.

It’s been an amazing year, but it was preceded by the most difficult years of my life. This incredible relationship that I am so grateful for now, I would not have without the one that preceded it, and the man that broke me. I would not know, to be grateful for all the little things my husband does to support me everyday, without the years of emotional abuse I endured before it. Little by little, day after day, year after year. For the first time, I’m going to tell my truth. For all the times he hung me out to dry, with his friends and his family. For all the times, he made me feel small, twisted situations, and used my scars as a weapon to manipulate me. For all the times I kept quiet while he humiliated me in front or friends and coworkers. For all the times, all the moments, all the years, I made myself smaller and smaller. For the fact that he admitted to everything, took responsibility and ownership for everything privately to me, and trashed my name publicly. I’ve decided I’m going to take some time to reflect, for the first time on paper and in public, for all of those who have asked me “why?” or asked “what even happened?” and I couldn’t bring myself to say the words or tell the story.

I wish I knew where it began. I wish I could, after all this time, pinpoint a day when things went bad. Or pick out the first time he manipulated me. Or comb out all the lies and the half truths from the whole truth. But honestly, over the five years we were together, I lost count. I lost count of the lies, the ultimatums, and the little insults that he used to tear me apart. I wish I could tell my loved ones, how I let myself get to such a place, that a man who treated me so poorly felt like the only thing I had in the world and the only thing I would ever have. I turned into someone I always swore I’d never be. I lied to my family and my friends, hid things from them, stopped answering the phone and stopped calling them back because, every time I would get yelled at for “airing our dirty laundry” or for “making me look bad” or for “making your friends and family hate me.”. But it wasn’t my dirty laundry and I didn’t make him look bad or make them hate him. It was his, it was him, he did that all on his own. He wanted to control others perception of our relationship, because the few times I did speak up to my family, they gave me strength to stick up for myself, reminded me who I was before him. He didn’t like that.

Somehow, every time he did something wrong, and I was hurt, he made me believe it was my fault. I never realized how much damage there really was, until I met the man of my dreams, and after months of being back in counseling, could only hold my ground until he said, “you’re right I’m sorry” and then I would break and cry and tell him I was sorry I never should have stuck up for myself. I wouldn’t believe he actually didn’t think it was my fault. Because for years, “I’m sorry” was followed by all the things I did to make him lie to me, or tell other women he hated me, or whatever terrible thing it was that he had done. For years, it was all my fault, and I believed that.

In the end, he was lying to me about everything. About how he’d been evicted from his apartment and was sleeping in his car when he told me he was at home, for over a month. About how he had abandoned our cats there for over a month without care, food, or water. About how he abandoned our things there, my clothes and some of my most cherished possessions. About how he was sexually snapchatting back and forth with women he didn’t even know from the Internet. He was even lying to me, about lying to me.

The night before I found out about all of that and so much more, the night before the made up world he built around me was burnt to the ground; we got home from work and he wanted to be sexually intimate, but I didn’t. I didn’t because I still had a nagging feeling in my gut that I couldn’t trust him. It was our agreement that we would not be intimate until he could be trusted, until he hadn’t lied to me, even over silly things for a while, and I felt safe. Well, that night he didn’t want to stick to that agreement. So he screamed at me. About how I was a piece of shit. About how he should leave my sorry ass for all the women who wanted to screw him and how much better looking they all were than me. About how I was a bitch and I made him miserable and drove him to drink all the time. About how he had worked so hard on himself. About how he deserved to be trusted. About how he couldn’t believe I could be so cruel and manipulative. It was that night, that I realized he had complete control over me. Because despite my intuition, despite the strength I had built up when we were apart, I found myself that night on my hands and knees begging him for forgiveness, begging him not to leave me, and promising I would get help because he was right, clearly there was something wrong with me. He looked me in the eyes, knowing he had been lying about his finances, his faithfulness, his living arrangements, his drinking, and he screamed at me for not trusting him. He berated me for hours, because I didn’t have any proof. He called me crazy and he made me believe it, knowing all the while, that I was not.

So when I found out, when there was a police officer looking for him at his work, as he was being brought up on charges for animal cruelty and abandonment for the state he left our cats in, though he had told me he was going to feed and care for them daily. I sat on my couch, staring at the text message for an hour, while he slept next to me. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t breathe. I went through his phone, searching for proof it wasn’t true, and found more proof of the contrary.

After that, everything was a blur for me, for weeks afterward. I walked through my life, surrounded by a fog made of my own shame. Shame and distrust of myself, that I didn’t see, couldn’t see what was right in front of me for so long. As red flag after red flag popped up, I ignored my intuition, my education, and the proof staring me in the face and I allowed him to continue to be in my life, or come back into my life, and manipulate me into believing him and only him. I couldn’t believe I let it happen to me. Looking back, I realized that last fight, was just like every fight we ever had. After fights, no matter if I did something wrong or not, usually not, I took the blame for it all. I walked with a shame cloud around me, as I let him publicly tell people that I was a crazy bitch who needed help and laughed. I let his friends tell me what a piece of crap I was. I never really stood up for myself, and when I did, I paid the price. I realized there were times where he laid hands on me, and I let myself be convinced that was my fault too. I realized I had been emotionally and near the end, physically abused. I couldn’t believe it happened to me. I blamed myself for that too. But the truth is, none of it was my fault. I didn’t “deserve” a single second of it. He admitted that to me privately, perhaps in an attempt to win me back, perhaps not. He apologized, but it didn’t help a lick.

But after counseling, meditation, and lots of healing, looking back, I know each moment had to happen. Every ounce of pain and every tear had to be felt. It made me stronger, in the end. But I wish I could’ve become the woman I am today without it, without him. I still, don’t believe he is a bad man, I believe he is a man in a lot of pain with a mental illness and he needs help. Help I pray all the time that he gets. He has a good heart, I didn’t love him for no reason, but the road to hell is paved with good intentions, so I send him my love and prayers from afar, and I hope he has the strength to heal. I hope he has the strength to stay sober and heal his wounds, so he can love the way I know he wanted to love, but couldn’t. I won’t tell every story. I won’t tell you his name. I won’t wish him ill. I will wish him nothing but the best in the future. I will have compassion for him. I will send him healing. But I will also, tell my sweet daughter this story, before she goes on her first date. I will tell her, it can happen to anyone. I will tell her, it happens over time. I will tell my story out loud and not feel shame or guilt, so other women know they are not alone. I will heal, and I will take steps forward even after the trauma comes up again and again. I will listen to songs that remind me I am not alone. I will be happy.

“Oh, but after everything you've done

I can thank you for how strong I have become

'Cause you brought the flames and you put me through hell

I had to learn how to fight for myself

And we both know all the truth I could tell

I'll just say this is "I wish you farewell"

I hope you're somewhere prayin', prayin'

I hope your soul is changin', changin'

I hope you find your peace

Falling on your knees, prayin'”

#trigger warning #domestic abuse #emotional abuse #healing #writings #we are not alone #survivor

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gale-gentlepenguin · 6 years

Text

ML: Scarlet Lady au: Miss Fortune Part 4 (Final)

Part 1 / Part 2/ Part 3

(Scarlet Lady Au by @zoe-oneesama)

(Hot off my burning typing fingers. Part 4. Enjoy!)

______________________________________________________________________

Miss fortunate watched the cat hero’s hands shake.

“You seem tense Kitty. Is it because you know who is under the mask? Is it making you are have second thoughts?” The black clad villain inquired, her voice full of intrigue.

Chat noir steadied his hands.

“This isn't you Marinette. You are a kind, gentle person. Why are you doing this?” Chat noir questioned, trying to shift the subject.

“I am sick of Chloé always getting away with her bullying. I am sick of always having to be the bigger person. The one that has to force a smile when I feel like curling into a ball. Chloé deserves to be punished.” Miss Fortune stated. “Now be a good kitty and surrender.”

Chat noir felt his heart cry out. He knew that Chloé did bully Marinette, that she was a mean person at times, but hearing it from her. It really hit home. He swore in his head that after this was over, he would have a very long talk with Chloé.

Well aren't you quite the drama queen.” a familiar voice taunted.

A red clad super heroine entered the scene.

Miss fortune turned her attention to the arrogant Ladybug themed heroine.

“You’re one to talk. In terms of horrible personalities. I would say you are on par with Chloé.” Miss Fortune stated.

“That means so much coming from a crybaby that got akumatized.” Scarlet lady taunted.

Scarlet lady turned her attention to Chat noir, who she had just noticed was glaring daggers at her.

“Well don't just stand their like a scaredy cat, go and take care of this loser so I can get back to enjoying myself.” Scarlet ordered.

Chat noir felt his frustration boil over. That was the last straw.

“No.” Chat noir stated lately.

“Good now... what do you mean no?” Scarlet asked with a surprised look on her face.

“You fight the akuma for once. See how it goes. If you are so much better then her. Then beating her by yourself should be easy.” Chat noir clarified as he leaned on his staff.

Scarlet lady couldn't believe what she was hearing. Miss Fortune was surprised to hear the cat hero say it.

“Are you seriously going to let her go on a rampage?”

Chat noir shook his head.

“I will protect Paris. I won't let her harm any innocent people. But if you want to stop her. That is on you bugaboo” Chat noir explained with a cocky smirk.

Miss fortune couldn't believe her ears. Chat noir was giving her the okay to beat the tar out of Scarlet lady. While taking revenge on Chloé is her main goal, taking down Scarlet Lady is a definite close second.

A purple outline appeared over Miss Fortune’s face.

“This is an unexpected gift. Miss Fortune, take care of Scarlet Lady. We will deal with Chat noir after we get her Miraculous.” Hawkmoth commanded.

“You don't have to tell me.” Miss Fortune answered with amusement.

“F-Fine! Ill take care of her myself. I’ll show Paris how little you actually do anyway.” Scarlet Lady explained.

Chat noir shrunk his staff and put it on video record mode. This was gonna be interesting.

Scarlet lady pulled out her yo-yo and started spinning it.

Miss Fortune pulled out her own and matched her motion.

Scarlet swung her yo-yo at the black haired akuma’s head only to miss entirely. Miss fortune used her own yo-yo and snagged her feet. The villainess pulled causing the girl to fall on the floor.

Scarlet tried to stand back up only to see Miss fortune charge at her and kick her square in the face like she was going for a strike on goal. Scarlet lady went flying several meters before landing roughly on the ground.

“Ouch...” Scarlet Lady nasally groaned.. She felt like her nose might be broken. She stood up and was standing just above a manhole cover

Miss fortune made her hands glow and activated her powers. Suddenly the manhole cover began shaking before shooting into the air, flinging the cocky red clad heroine in the air. Then watched as she was flung right into a nearby dumpster.

Chat noir wished he had popcorn.

Scarlet lady slowly stood up before realizing what she was standing in.

“GROSS!!!!” Scarlet Lady jumped out of the dumpster taking off the garbage that was on her.

Miss fortune laughed in amusement.

“Why are you taking it off? The trash suits you.” Miss fortune complimented, knowing full well it was an insult.

Scarlet Lady knew she was in way over her head.

“Chat noir! Are you seriously gonna let her do this to me?!” Scarlet Lady yelled at the cat hero.

Chat noir didn’t comment as he moved closer to keep up with the action.

“Chat noir! Get your butt moving and fight her!” Scarlet lady ordered angrily.

Miss fortune laughed and charged at her.

“You don't get it. He doesn't want to help you. Why on earth would he?” Miss Fortune stated as she gave Scarlet Lady a good gut punch, knocking the wind out of her.

Scarlet lady moved back holding her gut. How was she getting overwhelmed so easily? Scarlet Lady went for her own punch, but Miss fortune easily dodged it.

“All you do is boss him around, insult him, treat him like a lackey. If I was him, I would have left you on your own so much sooner.” Miss Fortune jumped and landed on top of a street light.

“You never even thanked him once. If anything, I would be a much better partner then you.” Miss fortune commented as she activated her power. Causing the street light to start falling towards Scarlet lady. Miss fortune jumped off and landed right near Chat noir. Scarlet lady just barely rolling out of the way in time to avoid getting hit.

“What do you say Kitty? Why don't you join me?” Miss Fortune asked as she touched his cheek with her hand, causing the cat to look into her eyes. “We can take her Miraculous together. Then we can go after Chloé. We would make a really good team.”

Chat noir felt his pulse quicken as he felt Miss Fortune’s hand on his cheek. He took in her purple eyes that once seemed cold, were now warm. Her soft smile as she looked at him. How the wind blew her hair in just the right way. And her earrings caught the light just right to bring attention to her cute little earlobes.

“Ummmm uh...” Chat noir felt his face turn red. Marinette, no, Miss Fortune was so close. He would be lying if he said he never thought about having Marinette be his crime fighting partner. Late night rendezvous. Saving the city, perhaps a kiss or two on camera causing a buzz for the news. It sounded like an ideal world.

“Ugh! That is it, time for the big guns.” Scarlet Lady exclaimed as she got up.

“Lucky Charm!” She exclaimed as she activated her power. Out appeared a ladybug print bottle of eye drops.

Scarlet Lady realized what she needed to do that as much as she hated to do it.

“Chat noir... I am sorry...” Scarlet Lady confessed as she bowed her head.

Chat noir snapped out of his trance and turned his head to Scarlet Lady.

“I am sorry... the way I treat you... the way I order you around. It... It isn't right.” Scarlet Lady conceded.

“I need your help Chat noir... I... I can't beat her alone.” She looked up at him with tears in her eyes.

Chat noir’s eyes went wide. He couldn't believe what he was hearing. Scarlet Lady confessed to needing his help.

Miss fortune turned his head back to her.

“Don't listen to her. She will never appreciate you the way I do. Leave her be. Join up with me.” Miss Fortune pleaded softly.

Chat noir placed his hands on her cheeks.

“Don't worry Princess, I know the best choice.” He smiled sweetly.

Scarlet Lady felt her heart sink into despair. Chat noir had ignored her plea.

Miss fortune was so happy to hear his words and her heart exploded when he went in and kissed her. She happily kissed him back sweetly as she enjoyed the spoils of her victory. Until she felt two hands touch her ears.

Chat noir broke the kiss as he held her earrings in his hand.

“Wha...” Miss fortune was shocked that he would do that.

“Sorry, Scarlet Lady maybe a pain in the butt, she is still my superhero partner. Maybe one day Marinette.” Chat noir crushes her earrings and the Akuma began flying out.

Scarlet lady smiled and used her Yo-yo to snag it.

“Got you now you little akuma.” She exclaimed before purifying it before sending off on its own.

Scarlet Lady took her bottle of eye drops and flung it into the sky.

“Miraculous Healing.”

Sure enough all of the damage done by Miss Fortune was fixed and Miss Fortune turned back into Marinette.

_______________________________________________________________________

Hawkmoth tightened his fist before shouting. He was so close this time. He could feel it.

“I was so close. Next time Chat noir and Scarlet Lady. Next time I will have your Miraculous.” He shouts as the window in his layer slowly closes.

_______________________________________________________________________

“Huh... what happened?” Marinette asked confused. She looked to see Chat noir smiling at her.

“You all right Princess?” The black cat asked, worried about her.

“Yea, I am alright... though I am bummed that I lost my backstage pass. I was at this fashion show and...”

“Oh whatever. You handle this Chat noir. I have to tell the world how I got betrayed by my terrible sidekick and just barely saved the day.” Scarlet Lady stated as she pulled out her camera.

Chat noir looked at her.

“Excuse me!? Weren't you moments ago begging for my help with tears in your eyes?”

Scarlet Lady laughed.

“Eyedrops genius! as if I would waste genuine emotion on a good for nothing traitor like you.” Scarlet Lady scoffed, before realizing her earrings started to beep.

“Are you serious!? After all of the...”

“Yeah, we will do this another time. I have to go. Later alley cat.” Scarlet waved as she used her yo-yo to swing out of there.

Chat noir sighed deeply. He should have expected her to be like this. He decides its not worth trying.

“Sorry about your...” Marinette tried to comfort the cat hero.

“Its alright, I know how she is. But enough about that. You should hurry. You need to get back to that fashion show.” Chat noir changed the subject.

Marinette looked down.

“I would, but Chloé took my way of getting back in.” She explained sadly.

Chat noir patted her shoulder.

“I wouldn't worry, I believe I noticed your friend holding your back stage pass. He was looking all over for you. You should probably go find him. But you will need these.” Chat noir comforted before handing back the girls earrings.

Marinette took her earrings and quickly put them on.

“Thanks Chat noir. You are the best.” She gives him a soft kiss on the cheek before running off.

Chat noir smiled as he watched her leave his sight Daydreaming about his luck before remembering something rather crucial.

“Oh right the Fashion show.”

______________________________________________________________________

“Im sorry Marinette.” Chloé states, clearly annoyed that she has to say it.

Adrien had found Chloé before running into Marinette. Adrien told Chloé that if she didn't apologize to Marinette, he would make sure she was never aloud to attend any of his photo shoots or fashion shows, and her parents connections would be unable to to anything about it.

“Its okay Chloé. I forgive you.” Marinette accepted her apology, happily holding her backstage pass from earlier.

“Good, you can go now Chloé.” Adrien stated, content that Marrinette had accepted the girl’s apology.

Chloé scoffed before walking away from the two. She turned the corner and her Swami popped out of her bag.

“What?” Chloé asked slightly irritated. Her Kwami had a smug smile on her face.

“I am just thinking about how when we are back home I am going to scold you until morning.”

Chloé groaned.

“As if things could get any worse.”

Tikki noticed someone coming and flew into her bag.

“Excuse me, I was just informed you do not have authorization to be back here. I am going to have to escort you off the premise.”

“What!? Of course I have ...” She went to reach for the back stage pass only to realize Marinette got it back “Oh no.”

The guard grabbed the irritated blonde as she tried calling out for Adrien to help her, while inside her bag, The red Kwami was enjoying the sweet taste of Karma.

_______________________________________________________________________

(And that concludes our story. I know you are expecting another part, as thats how I normally break it up. But I couldn't stop writing and decided to just roll it all in here. Let me know your thoughts on the final part and the story as a whole. I will be sure to do a master post with all my new fics.)

#ml #ml au #miraculous ladybug #miraculous ladybug au #scarlet lady #scarlet lady au #Marinette Dupen Chang #chat noir #Marichat #miss fortune #chloé bourgeois #tikki #the karma

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ladylb · 5 years

Text

The Liar and The Broken Balance

Also on AO3

Chapter 2

Adrien looked like he was about to cry. “What… what can I do Master?”

“You must find Ladybug,” Master Fu announced, “apologize and help her balance her life by being there for her, not necessarily in that order. Her trust for your civilian self must be restored. Then you must grow closer, hopefully with a reveal as that will stop this from happening ever again. You may even need to expose this Lila’s lies. If you are not there for Ladybug and soon, well, there are only two things that can happen, but neither will allow you to remain Chat Noir.”

“What?” Adrien loudly gasped.

Plagg hissed, “Quiet! My Sugarcube needs quiet.” He ended his comment almost lovingly with a purr for the pink kwami whose color was turning slightly darker already and she looked like she was peacefully sleeping.

Master Fu nodded and whispered, “it was not Ladybug’s actions that began this atrophy, and being Ladybug, she must love, for from love comes creation. The repercussion of your inaction has shaken her to her core. Her love that she must give, is tentative, meaning if she loses her feelings for your civilian self completely and falls for another before her connection to Tikki is lost, she may be able to remain Ladybug.”

Adrien connected the dots, “and her new,” he gulped, “crush, will be the new Chat Noir?”

“Possibly. If nothing is done, her connection to her miraculous will fade into nothingness as will yours.”

“Wha- what if I fell in love with another?” Although he doubted that could ever happen but he had to ask.

“Your balance would still be broken. You chose to test your bonds first and unknowingly weakened your links. Currently you both love each other to some degree, just not the same sides of each other.”

Adrien grimaced, “does that mean that she’s a fan then?”

Master Fu pursed his lips, “you could say that,” then he thoughtfully added, “yes, yes I think I can safely say that she was.”

Adrien’s heart fell, he had held the heart of his Lady and he hadn’t even known about it until he was losing it and hadn’t even known it was happening. He felt terrible.

Master Fu saw the young man’s reaction, so he patted Adrien on the shoulder. “Although she always wished that you would notice her, I will admit that you’ve met behind the mask. The magic cannot be restored if you do not put in any effort, that is why I cannot tell you more than the most basic of vague details. Essentially, you were in love with one another, just the wrong sides of each other and her love for your civilian side is fading due to your choice in siding with the girl that bullied her by doing nothing. Unfortunately, it was your lack of being there for Ladybug and your not balancing and helping her out, that caused this domino effect.”

“But Master, I don’t even know what I did!”

Master Fu leveled a subtle but disappointed look at the boy as he put his hands on the lesson plan. “Chat Noir, do you deny that you supported this Lila’s lies by not confronting them? Only hoping that she would eventually be caught and that no one would be hurt in the process?”

Adrien looked ashamed and looked down at the floor as he muttered, “no.”

“Own up to it Chat Noir. What did you say?”

Adrien took a deep breath and loudly announced, “NO,” but then he whispered, “I didn’t mean for this to happen Master.”

“Chat Noir, your Ladybug was hurt because injuries of the mind and soul are greater than your average physical ones, they can change a person permanently. Ladybug is questioning much in her life and pretending that she isn’t hurt. Now would have been the time for you two to begin to grow closer, and yet you have backtracked and unknowingly thrown everything out of balance.” Master Fu waved his hand as if he was tossing something away.

“You have seven days Chat Noir. I will not allow more, the kwami should not have to endure more pain than necessary as they try to hold onto and maintain your weakened bonds that are slipping away. To help Ladybug over this, you must find her and help her to repair or restore the most precious of what she has lost, or it is likely that you will both lose your miraculous and I will have to find a better suited and harmonic pair.” The old man looked depressed at the very idea.

Adrien looked hurt but determined, “Master, how will I do that? I don’t even know where to begin!”

“You will have to open your eyes Adrien. Plagg is allowed to help by reminding you of what you know, but he cannot make the conclusions for you or tell you her name. In the meantime, the unbalance between your civilian selves will only cause havoc for your powers if you both go into battle transformed because being together and transformed will strain your balance faster than if you stay away from her and remain untransformed.”

“Master, what are you saying?” Adrien did not like the sound of this.

Master Fu nodded as if he had made a decision, “as Ladybug is needed to cleanse the akuma, I’m afraid that you must stay away from any akuma fights and do your best not to be transformed when she is.”

“What!? How will I talk with her? How can I help her if I can’t even see her!”

Master Fu almost rolled his eyes as he let out a small but rare exhale of frustration, “Adrien, obviously you must discover her identity outside of the mask and she must forgive you naturally and come to love you once more outside of your heroic selves because that is where the damage happened. All of this is due to the weakening of your soulmate bond. I cannot tell you who she is and the balance will not be restored if you ask her to reveal herself or if you tell her who you are without sincerely apologizing. Also, you must not tell her the whole truth as to why your kwami are ill.”

“But that would fix everything!”

“No, it would throw everything further out of balance!” Master Fu almost snarled, then he took a relaxing breath. “I am sorry, this has not happened in centuries. I have failed you by not encouraging you to become closer by now, maybe if you had been and had known who each other were this would never have happened. I cannot fix this for you, but I can tell you that discovering your identity right now for her would be disastrous, because right now she holds her relationship, her friendship, with Chat Noir above her feelings for Adrien, tentative as both may be. Learning the truth now without forgiving and trusting Adrien again will tear apart her faith in Chat Noir as well and she will be unable to stay connected to her miraculous, breaking your connection to yours as well. We must not allow her to consider renouncing it any more than she has done so already.”

“She’s… she’s thought about not being Ladybug anymore?”

Master Fu nodded. “For nearly the past week, she’s had some close calls and has almost been akumatized several times. I have been trying to help her meditate, but she needs something more.” He looked at the young cat with a knowing nod. “She has not been able to get over what has happened and it has weakened her will, already she is not the same Ladybug that she was three weeks ago although she is trying to remain strong on her own.”

“Is that when this happened? Three weeks ago?”

Master Fu waved off the idea, “I cannot confirm that, because it would be sharing too much.” But then he winked slightly as if confirming something.

“I didn’t know it was so bad, I didn’t even know she was going through all of this, she hasn’t said anything during patrol.” Adrien thought about the last two weeks, she’d been more contemplative than usual, and he could have sworn that the light in her eyes had dimmed. Unfortunately, she wouldn’t tell him if anything was bothering her, personal stuff remained personal as always, she had only shrugged it off like he had been imagining things.

It was terrible knowing that he hadn’t been imagining things and she was afraid to tell him what was going on in her civilian life.

Master Fu admitted, “Ladybug as Ladybug hides her feelings and prefers to remain professional as a hero. You must not forget that she has the emotions of a teenage girl as a civilian under the mask to say the least. Her pride and her fear that Chat Noir would think less of her because she is human stopped her from asking you for help. Help that she thought that you would be unable to give because to her as a civilian, you are strangers.” Master Fu gave Adrien another subtle wink.

“Why?”

“She doesn’t need Chat Noir, she needs an everyday Chat Noir, she needs Adrien’s true self.”

Adrien looked downcast, that would mean he would have to be more like Chat Noir and less like his Father’s perfect son, but if his Lady required it, he would do it.

Master Fu thought about something, but stopped himself from saying it before he continued, “you must put in the effort to find her and regain her trust, be the support that she needs to repair this rift. I am not sharing this information with her, as she has too much on her plate right now and I will not add to her burden.” Master Fu waved the idea off.

“I can’t even call her on her communicator then, can I?” Adrien asked sadly.

“If you do, do it tonight about forty minutes after Tikki leaves. Keep it short and let her know that you want to be there for her, but cannot be because I’ve advised you to rest your kwami and remind her that you do care. I suggest that you make it your last contact with her until you have done what you must. This will be difficult Chat Noir, but necessary.”

“I know.” Adrien nodded his head.

“If Ladybug asks about the illness of the kwami, tell her that it must be a cold or something and that I am treating your kwami too but I have advised you not to take him into battle or transform since one of them needs to not lose their strength. Although right now Tikki grows weak as Plagg’s powers are becoming overwhelming painful for him as he struggles to control them. It is a symptom of your imbalance. Plagg will do his best to help Tikki get through this, I’m sure. Ladybug’s knowing the cause of all of this will only speed up the atrophy between you and you will lose precious time to find her and be there for her other side, that is why you must only say that he is sick too, not why. For it can only be cured if Adrien can be there for the side of her that needs the balance between you restored.”

Adrien sighed, “so, what now? How can you expect her to fight alone?”

“Queen Bee will be there to help her during akuma fights. Chloe has been showing promise and she did not contribute to the acts that led to Ladybug’s broken heart, either for the better or for the worse. So their balance, their mutual respect and trust in battle are unaffected. Queen Bee did not defend Ladybug from this Lila, but then again, she wasn’t in the best position to do so. She will fight beside Ladybug if necessary during this time, and I have already delivered her miraculous to her for the time being.”

“What does Chloe know about all of this?” Adrien managed to ask.

“I suggest that you ask her. I suspect that she knows more than she lets on.”

Adrien looked defeated as he muttered, “seven days.”

“Yes, do not allow yourself to feel bad for not going into the battlefield, you have a more important mission to focus on.”

“Master?”

“You must open your eyes, find your Ladybug, love her as she deserves to be loved and to help her regain some of what she has lost, if possible. You must find a new balance between you. Finally, once your relationship as Adrien has been restored, you must help her to recognize you and your love for each other or risk losing her and part of yourselves forever.”

#MLB #mlb salt #mlb angst #miraculous #miraculous ladybug #kwami #adrien agreste

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sleepyfan-blog · 5 years

Text

Pre-Apple Hanahaki

fandom: Dreamtale AU

warnings: lying tw, manipulation tw, hanahaki disease tw

set in the same verse as this.

word count: 1,858

summary: A human confesses to Dream about how they feel for him.

"Dream... May I... May I speak with you?" A tall, fair haired human asks, shifting from one foot to another, looking both hopeful and deeply uncertain at the same time, their cheeks pinker than the rest of their face for some reason.

The guardian of positivity blinked a little bit in surprise - it was unusual for any of the villagers to come this close to the tree - but he nodded, walking over to them and asking "Sure! What is it that you want?"

"I... U-Uhm." The human responded, blinking a little and turning a brighter shade of pink, fidgeting with their hands a little before stuttering out - looking anxiously at Nightmare before responding "Could we... Could we maybe walk a little bit further away, please? I... Uhm was hoping to talk to you privately, Dream..."

Dream blinked a little bit in confusion and surprise - surely the villagers knew that whatever they told him, he told Nightmare, unless they were saying rude lies about the other guardian, right? Then again this particular human had only lived in the village for a couple of years now - having moved there from elsewhere. Dream was rather curious about what the rest of their world was like - but there was no way he would abandon Nightmare or the duty that they had been created for. "Okay..." He glanced briefly at Nightmare - who seemed to be fully immersed in the book he was reading and addressed the other "Hey, I'm going to be going on a walk with... Err..." Dream wasn't sure if he'd been told this human's name and he just didn't remember or if they hadn't had more than a brief conversation or two with this particular human.

"Oh! Sally. We... We met when I first came to the village and you were very warm and kind." the hu-Sally responded in a rush, looking a little bit upset before seeming to rally themself after a moment.

"Alright. Be careful, Dream." Nightmare responded, barely looking up from his book before he waved a hand at the both of them in a shooing motion "Go have fun."

Dream nodded and brightly smiled at Sally, starting to walk to the far end of the field. It was far enough away from where Nightmare and the tree were that the negative Guardian wanted to hear them speak. Dream paused at the edge of the field and asked curiously “What is it that you wanted to talk to me about?”

The human fidgeted with her hands for a couple of moments, before taking in a shuddering breath and sing really fast, voice rising in pitch a little as they watched him with a startling intensity “W-would you go out with me? I really like and admire you and I would... w-would be so happy if we dated! E-even if it was just one date. P-please?"

Oh no. Not this again. Dream paused for a couple of moments before carefully reciting the line that he'd come up with for just this situation "While I am flattered that you think that you like me, I'm sorry but I must decline. I... It's not me that you like, but my... My positive aura. I didn't even know your name until you told me... S-so how could you like me in a romantic way, if we don't know one another at all?"

"I... I know it seems a little bit silly a-and impulsive. But I... I know that I love you, Dream. N-not that I'm attracted to your aura like you said. See I... I was thinking about you earlier - how warm, kind and wonderful you are to everyone you meet... A-and how anyone who held your heart - metaphorically speaking I mean - would be so lucky when I... I started to cough." Sally responded, pulling something out of her pocket. "I... I coughed out these petals while I was thinking of you, and how it'd be unlikely that you'd ever... Want me back." the human was holding a handful of crumpled up daisy petals, the blush on their face darkening further.

Dream's eyes widened in shock and dismay at the petals "Are... Are you sure you were thinking of just me? Oh... Oh no. I do know what this is - Nightmare can help you with it! But I... I can sense the positive feelings of others, and I know for a fact that you do not love me in the way that causes these flowers to grow inside of a sentient being." This was the sixth being to come in less than ten years, suffering from this strange magical affliction and the second human. The first being to claim that they were in love with one of the two of them, however.

"I w-what? No I... My... You... A-are you implying that Nightmare has something to do with the flower curse?" Sally sputtered, their eyes going wide in shock and distress.

"What? No of course not. From what we've been able to figure out of the curse, it stems from unrequited romantic love. Love is a neutral-positive emotion, and - well you probably don't want to hear more about it other than the fact that Nightmare's magic - the negativity - can kill the magical blooms that are feeding on your magic and soul." Dream responded, shaking his head a little as he silently wondered why that was always their first assumption when it came to this magical curse/illness thing.

"B-but does that mean I'll never be able to f-feel love again? I-I'd rather die than have that happen!" Sally responded, sounding and looking deeply frightened.

Why was that the second assumption they made about this? Dream could understand that the flower blossom curse was terrifying, but that didn't mean that the cure was so terrible. Resisting the urge to sigh and hide his face in his hands, the guardian of positivity patiently explained "No. His negative magic disrupts the hold that the curse has on your soul and magic, allowing you to heal. We don't know the source of the curse or infection, so we can't remove whatever magical seeds are inside of anyone. But the disruption allows the monster or human to recover from the damage done by the flowers, and nothing more. You retain your memories of whoever it is you're in love with, and you retain the capacity to love."

"O-Oh... How do you know this much about the curse, Dream?" Sally asked, their eyes wide as they allowed themself to be dragged by the positive guardian, clearly trying to digest this information.

"About a decade or so after we were first created by the previous guardian, a monster who had an active case of the flower curse came to us, begging for any kind of help that we could give them. They thought that an apple from the tree - from either side - would cure them. Which isn't true by the way. Both of us wanted to help them, and at first I tried healing the damage caused by the flowers... Which worked, but they still continued to grow. Nighty tried healing them as well, and after he did, the monster coughed up a bunch of dried petals. I checked the monster and they were no longer suffering from the active form of the flower curse.” Dream responded quietly. “I healed that monster of the rest of the damage and they went on their way…But in the past ten years or so, we’ve seen five - now you would be six… Which is unusual as last century we only saw four beings suffering from it.”

The human shifted from foot to foot, looking away from him and clearly uncomfortable. "I... Oh, alright. I don't want to die from this condition... Thank you for all of this information - I had heard that this emotional curse was something that you could fix, Dream... But I didn't realized that Nightmare helped you do so."

"Oh, if Nightmare couldn't kill the blooms, all I would be able to do is what I do now - which is to heal the damage that the flowers do. I wouldn't be able to kill the flowers- I could draw off the positive emotions of the person in regards to the person who they love... But that only delays the growth of the flowers, not kill them." Dream responded, shaking his head a little and sighing quietly, a small frown appearing on his face "I just... I just really wish that people would give Nighty equal credit for dealing with this strange curse, because he certainly deserves it."

"I... Ah... Uhm. Yes of course. I'll. That makes sense." Sally responded, shifting a little bit more as the two of them walked over to the Tree of Feelings, beneath which his other half was currently reading the book he'd been reading earlier.

"Nightmare can also cast a diagnostic spell, which will give us a time frame for how long your version of the curse has been active." It would also tell Nightmare how long the other might have left to live, if the other refused the treatment, as it was one of the things the two guardians were keeping track of.

The human jolted a little in surprise, their eyes widening as a look of genuine distress appeared on their face and they took a couple of steps back, even as Nightmare looked looked up at the both of them, a curious expression appearing on his face. "I... Uhm... AH... I think... I think I should go. Thank you for your time, Guardian Dream, and I apologize for t-taking up so much of it!" They started to run off at full speed, and Dream was unsure as to what to do.

"What was that all about?" Nightmare asked, a small smirk appearing on his face "I haven't seen anyone run from you like that in a long time. Just what the heck did you do?"

Dream told him what the human had told him - that supposedly the other had been thinking of him and coughed up a handful of daisy petals, and had decided to come and confess their feelings for him, finishing with "It's not as if I've interacted enough with them to actually have them fall for who I am? I think they... like more than a few of the villagers, just like my aura and confused it for love? But they really could be in love with someone else and suffering from that awful curse! They could be dying of it and I... I don't know why they ran off like that."

A contemplative - if slightly irritated - expression flashed across Nightmare's face before the negative guardian answered carefully "I'll go talk to them, alright? They could just be really stressed about the fact that they confessed to the wrong person, and I know that more than a few beings are kind of intimidated at interacting with the both of us at the same time. I'll check to make sure that they'll be okay, don't worry, Dream."

"Thanks, Nightmare!" the positive guardian responded, happily hugging the other tightly for a moment, a small smile appearing on his face.

#dream #nightmare #my writing #hanahaki au #hanahaki disease tw #lying tw #manipulation tw

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guyveranimefan87-blog · 5 years

Text

"Captain Marvel" review - Not terrible, but not marvelous either.

As we all know, the latest MCU movie "Captain Marvel" had finally reached our cinemas, and thus after months of drama surrounding it, with one group hailing it as the best thing Marvel ever did, and other claiming it would be a movie that would destroy the whole franchise... before anyone had a chance to see it... we can finally see how is it.

And well...

In my opinion it's a solid Marvel movie, not bad or anything, but nothing special either, something around the level of "Captain America - The First Avenger", or first "Thor".

It has it's moments, but compared to previous MCU movies like "Doctor Strange" or "Black Panther" it lacks something that would make it special and unique.

I mean, with "Doctor Strange" we had our first introduction to magical side of MCU, plus trippy visuals connected with the Mirror World, and "Black Panther" had introduced us to the whole new culture and unique visual style of Wakanda, so they had something going for them even in their weaker moments.

And I don't think "Captain Marvel" has something like that.

I mean, 90's references are cool and I got a few chuckles out of them, but if I wanted to remind myself of those dumb and glorious times, when I was younger, slimmer and less cynical I could go on Tumblr...

Oh, yeah I am already here.

And people who don't remember those times would probably be as baffled by seeing pager and dial-up modems, as they were be seeing alien cities and spaceships...

But let's start at the beginning, that is with the plot.

Our heroine is Vers, a member of an elite military unit known as Starforce serving the interstellar Kree Empire, but despite her unquestionable power and fighting skills, her commander and mentor Yon-Rogg (Jude Law) has doubts about her performance, since she has a tendency to let her emotions guide her, something that Kree warrior shouldn't do.

Yeah, this cyborg guy from “Guardians of The Galaxy” is there too...

Vers emotional problems are connected with the fact that she lacks memories from before she joined the unit, and is tormented by recurring nightmares where she sees chaotic and fragmented pieces of her past.

Still, as I mentioned before, she is still a powerful and confident warrior, so despite Yon-Rogg's doubts, she takes part in a mission to extract a deep-cover Kree agent from one of the border planets controlled by an ancient enemy of her people, a shapeshifting race of Skrulls.

Mission ends badly, as it turns out that the agent was already compromised by Skrulls and Vers is captured during a resulting ambush by a Skrull commander, Talos (Ben Mendelsohn), who used some kind of memory probe to access her buried memories... that turn out to be about her previous life, but not on one of Kree planets, but rather on a primitive, backwater planet C-53, also known as Earth.

Apparently Skrulls are looking for a scientist known as doctor Wendy Lawson (Annette Bening), that Vers somehow used to know, and who according to her memories developed some kind of new faster-than-light engine.

Vers manages to escape captivity using her ability to generate energy blasts from her hands, as well as her hand-to-hand skills, but the escape pod she steals from Skrulls gets damaged, causing her to crash-land on Earth, to be precise in one of Los Angeles Blockbuster Video stores.

Does anyone remember Blockbuster Video anymore? Sorry, getting back on the topic...

Her less-than-stealthy arrival alerts the local authorities, including a pair of S.H.I.E.L.D agents, Phil Coulson (Clark Gregg) and Nick Fury (Samuel L. Mothafu#kin Jackson), who are a bit skeptical when a woman "dressed like for Lazer Tag" tells them she is an alien soldier who hunts other aliens, who are shapeshifters, but they are attacked by one of Talos's troops, confirming that her story is true.

And thus Vers and Fury would have to join forces to stop Skrulls and find the truth about our heroine, from her fragmented memories...

Before the movie I was curious and to be honest rather worried about how screenwriters would tackle the backstory of Carol Danvers / Captain Marvel, since in the comics it was rebooted so many times, that I doubt that even people writing her remember about everything, with numerous costume, identity and power changes, not to even mention new personality traits with each new writer...

But they did managed to jump this hurdle, by creating a completely new origin story from the ground up, that while using certain elements from her comic book counterparts, gives us something relatively simple, and accessible to causal moviegoers and hardcore nerds alike.

And let's be honest, since Carol is not exactly the most popular character ever, despite numerous attempts at making her relevant in the last few years, so I don't think there would be any purist fans outraged by the changes made for the movie.

I mean, whole cast of "Guardians of The Galaxy" had undergone massive changes, and everybody was OK with that, heck some of those changes were even retconned into comics, so probably here it would also work that way.

As for the plot itself, it really did reminded me of first "Thor".

I mean, we have a superhero from an advanced race, that is dumped on Earth without having any idea of how the place works, but finds a hypercompetent human sidekick, and together they stand against Big Bad only for The Hero to unlock their True Power in the third act.

Yeah... Seems kinda familiar, eh?

It's not necessarily bad or anything, but it's really a shame that some things hadn't been expanded upon a bit, like Kree culture, relationship between Carol a.k.a Vers and Yon-Rogg, etc.

I mean "Black Panther" managed to fit whole three act formula into the plot, while also show the viewers quite a lot about Wakanda, so why not here?

Movie also drags a bit in the middle, as save for two action scenes, most of the story-arc is comprised of our heroine and Fury driving from place to place looking for answers, talking a bit and so on, which is not really adrenaline-filled superhero cinema...

It hadn't reached the point when I got really bored, mainly due to good chemistry Larson and Jackson have together, but I did though that MCU movies managed to overcome their pacing problems after Phase One, so it wasn't a pleasant surprise seeing that they had taken two steps back here.

Another controversy about the movie way before it's release was our lead, Brie Larson, not only because of doubts about her acting prowess, but also quite a few ill-thought things she said be it in interviews, or through Twitter, but the latter is not really important here, so let's focus on the former.

After watching trailers and promo clips quite a few people were doubting Larson's ability to carry the movie, and accusing her acting of being "stiff" and "emotionless" and they were partially right, though I am not sure all the blame can be put on actress herself.

Vers/Carol does seem rather stiff and emotionless through most of the movie, but it looks more like a conscious decision of director's part, as I mentioned Kree pride themselves on controlling their emotions, which is fine, but severely limited Larson in the role, as it's hard to say anything about her character's personality.

I mean, there are a few scenes when she does show that she can act, usually during her scenes with Nick Fury, cause as I mentioned before, they have a nice chemistry together, flashbacks from before she was trained as a Kree warrior, but still comes out a bit bland through most of the runtime.

It becomes even more jarring during the scene when Vars meets her old friend Maria Rambeau (Lashana Lynch), who is rather shocked to see her, torn between happiness and confusion, giving a strong, emotional performance... while Larson keeps the same facial expression through most of it.

As I mentioned before, it's not the actress's fault, but it does harm the movie on some level.

Samuel L. Jackson however absolutely nails it as younger, less cynical Fury.

Now, we got used to gruff, no-nonsense and properly paranoid commander of S.H.I.E.L.D but here we get Nick who sees a being with superpowers for the first time in his life, and is appropriately shocked / awed by the fact that aliens exist, which gives Mr. Jackson an opportunity to have a bit of a fun with the character.

I mean, I had never expected to see Fury going "oh so cute" about a cat, or freaking out about seeing an alien, but it's lot of fun watching him do it, and judging from his actor, a lot fun to play it, which is rather infectious.

Also, this cat is awesome.

Sadly, yet again movie’s villain remains one of it’s weak points.

I mean, damn, I really though that after "Black Panther" and "Infinity War" we got over the so-called "Marvel Curse" and villains who are not Loki wouldn't suck anymore. And yet, here we are, back to square one...

Now, don't get me wrong, Ben Mendelsohn does what he can to sell Skrulls leader, and even managed to have some fun with his portrayal.

For example being rather laid-back and even funny in his true form, and a bit stern and stiff in his preferred human form, as well as giving each of them a different accent, but as they say, You cannot get water out of a stone.

He got very little to work with in terms of motivations, background or even personality of his character, making Talos quite flat, despite the actor's best efforts.

If I had to compare it to other Marvel villains, he would be right there with Malekith the Accursed from "Thor - The Dark World", as both movies had absolutely wasted a great actor due to not giving him anything he can use, nor any freedom to flesh the character out, which is a damned shame.

I mean, they tried with a bit of a twist near the end, but You can see it coming from miles away, so it's not really a surprise, and nor does it help our villain in the slightest.

What else...

... Oh yeah, I had evaded this particular elephant in the room for long enough.

Before the movie premiered many people, myself included, were afraid that it would delve too much into politics, since both the cast and Marvel PR people were putting a lot of emphasis on the feminist message of "Captain Marvel", throwing the phrase "First Female Marvel Hero" etc.

Thus I had expected a sexist, and politics heavy crap like "Ghostbusters 2016", but really for all the bluster of Marvel execs, and journalists focusing of this, the whole "feminist" part of the movie turned out to be nearly nonexistent.

I mean, sure we get a scene with male soldiers telling Carol she is "too weak" to be a pilot, or a guy who obnoxiously tries to pick her up, but it's not like the movie spends extended periods of time on it, or goes to extreme length to show all men as idiots, manbabies and chauvinists, as "Ghostbusters" did, so really there was no point to the whole sh#tstorm about it in the first place.

And really, "Wonder Woman" was really a lot more about "Girl Power" than this movie, so I don't think that people who expected it to be about "powerful femininity" and stuff would be totally satisfied with it...

Other than that, we get good special effects (Especially the ones used to de-age Jackson and Gregg), few nice fight scenes, especially in the third act, overall good acting despite problem mentioned above, and a few obligatory callbacks to other MCU movies...

And that's basically it.

It's a competently done movie that nevertheless lacks the bang it supposed to have, and I think that in a few weeks most people would forget about it, like they probably did with "Doctor Strange" and "Ant-Man & The Wasp", because they would be busy talking about "Endgame".

It would still make a ton of money, as all MCU movies do, even if it clearly show that their formula got a bit stale at this point, and even without making a lasting impression it was a well-made popcorn flick.

Still, it shows that Carol Danvers / Captain Marvel does have a potential as a movie character, despite all weird stuff Marvel did with her comic book counterpart, but it wasn't the time when this potential had the chance to be fully utilized. So, better luck next time, Carol?

#captain marvel #review #movie review #ramblings #mcu #marvel cinematic universe #brie larson #samuel l jackson #controversy #movie #avengers endgame #no spoilers #nick fury #agent coulson #s.h.i.e.l.d.#marvel comics

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