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#bc SO much more happened to me while i was with him that i never even dared to post here
skunkes · 2 days
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if life is categorized by Before Loss and After Loss then I exist in the before but with a countdown to the after. and the countdown is always always present and debilitating. the loss will be debilitating too but i cant help myself. i will always suffer twice.
#i cant let go of it. i cant even enjoy good moments without thinking about how they'll just be memories one day#how they're already memories since moments pass so fast#everything is I'll Miss This and i already miss it and i cant believe once you're gone you're gone forever#and ill never ever see you again. and your shell is in the ground but where did the rest of you go?#should i look at your body one last time? on one hand itll be the last time i see you.#on the other hand it will be the last time i see you.#and the memory of you will die with me too. as if neither ever existed#it impacts me so much too bc i dont feel close to anybody really...and i dont make friends easily#so whats going to happen when the people who have always been there arent there anymore?#im going to be alone for so much of my life.#i will record your voice so im ready for when i cant hear it from the source while also knowing it wont be enough and one day#ill be wishing it lasted longer. it could be 12 hours long and ill want more.#how do you surpass this? it hasn't even happened. when it happens i don't know what ill do. considering my whole life has been#the timer. the countdown. hours and hours of anticipatory grief#and then ill be next. me. some of all thats left of you. it cant be true.#sorry. this gets worse every single year and its been going insane lately#id surprisingly been managing it well for months somehow ! it wouldnt cross my mind...and now its there again#like it accumulated and its all coming out right now. ive been crying for hrs tonight and last night#one day his things will just be things. things ive made and given him will be in my hands again.#talkys#i want to go hug my dad but then ill just cry over how one day i wont be able to....! how do i store it? how do i save it?#how do i preserve it forever....even as i take my own last breath....#i cant believe im the only one of me. and my dad is the only one of him.#i wouldnt want to be reborn as anyone else. i cant believe one day i wont get to draw or eat or be comfy in bed anymore.#i cant take it !! im so scared. ill be scared until the end. and you wont be there to hold my hand. im going to be alone.#and none of those years of grief and joy and memories will matter.#i wonder if it would help to tell him about this. i need something to hold onto for when it happens. anything. but i also know it'll make i#hurt more; obviously. just another piece of him that'll be gone one day
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lupins-hehim-pussy · 2 days
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I wanna know ur Fontaine msq criticisms 👁️👁️👂I’m all ears
I'm not sure if you wanted me to talk about this secretly or publicly but! Here I go!
The TLDR: Fontaine MSQ aestheticised prison, poverty, child abuse, the justice system/court and didn't properly address any of it.
More:
Focalors/Furina has way too much of a sympathetic angle for a dictator who's lets people drown with her inaction.
Neuvillette feels Bad for sentencing some people to death/prison, but that's it. He's one of the most powerful people in Fontaine. If he felt like there are systemic injustices, I.E sending an abused Child to prison, he should be the first person to DO something about it, not just cry and be sad so the audience can be like aw, that's complex character writing isn't it? No it's not! And guilt doesn't absolve you!!!!!!! (These are stuff we deal with in OTCOJ read my fic now /j)
Meropide has children in it, both Sentenced there (Wriothesley) and BORN THERE (Lanoire), and this is just a quirk of the place. Not only that, Meropide accepts prisoners of all genders and crimes. There are abusers and abuse victims in one place. Do you know how bad that is? How much potential for crimes to happen in a place like that— oh wait, Meropide isn't under Fontaine's jurisdiction. If you are assaulted as an inmate it literally means nothing to the court.
Wriothesley had no qualifications when he took over. Depending on how long he lived on the streets, how old he was when he killed his parents, how old he was when he was first taken in by the orphanage, etc, the man might never have more than 4–5 years of formal education. Sigewinne probably had to teach him how to write reports. And do Meropide's spreadsheets. Edit because I forgot to elaborate on this one: This isn't a point brought up anywhere, which is bad, because when poverty and incarceration robs you of a proper education (and the rights to vote in many places too, too, by the way), it reduces your prospects for jobs, reduces many people's ability to get a home etc etc. Wriothesley was just, narratively, Given his position.
Meropide is an industrialized prison, and they portray this as a good thing. Prisoners are paid in coupons for their labour, and this is also portrayed as a good thing.
The One-Meal-A-Day reform was something Paimon gushed about being so great of a perk, that people might want to go to jail for food (could be interesting and reflective of systemic poverty if MHY had brains, but they don't, so I was just Pissed because essentially all Paimon wanted to say was "Prison isn't so bad, but still don't go to prison guys! Prison labour is really hard!"). By the way, in most real-world prisons they are obligated to feed you three meals a day. Because that's how much food a human needs. MHY went with one meal just so they can say "if you want to eat more, you have to work." And then the welfare meal is a goddamn gacha. So imagine you're a starving child who's too weak to work in the fucking robot assembly line, and you wander up for your first meal in 24 hours, only to luck in with a shit one. I'd kill myself.
They wrote Wriothesley, who's a victim of the system, into a guy who's say shit like "I'm the Duke I can do whatever I want" for a cool moment where he choke-slams an inmate (I know he was a bad guy. But also, in copaganda when cops are violent/disregarding protocols, they are always only portrayed to do that against bad guys, so what does our critical thinking tells us about this one?) They wrote Wriothesley, who was an inmate of a prison so bad, so notorious that it is the literal boogeyman of Fontaine, that has a legal (???) fighting pit, with an administrator who abuses his position to be unreasonable, to willingly stay in the place and become an Administrator who would choke-slam an inmate while saying a cool line about how he has the power to do whatever he wants. They wrote him, the guy who had to be fed on the streets by melusines, to think one-meal-a-day was a good enough reform (while he spends god-knows how much on his boat). This wasn't a victim-turns-into-abuser narrative either, they want all this to be seen as positive character growth.
And then, the final kicker is, they gloss over his entire abuse. You can only read about these shit in his profile, which most people don't because they don't Have Him or doesn't care to unlock it/read it online, and they jammed his entire backstory into a flaccid info-dump at the end of his character story quest. This man isn't Allowed to feel abused and neglected and show any reaction to it within the narrative of Fontaine itself, because if they actually Gave Weight to what happened to him, they'd have to confront THE FUCKING JUSTICE SYSTEM they had NO PLANS on criticising. I don't think they ever explicitly said the fucking Crime-Theatre nonsense was Bad either.
I could go on, but this is already so long. But yeah, I hope this gave you an idea.
#and then. and im putting my most controversial opinion in the tags bc im scared lmao. but like... then... you have the fans..... doing......#the same fucking thing.#the amount of times I have seen Wriothesley used as just a side prop for Neuvillette to feel bad about shit. While Wriothesley is just.....#portrayed as having the inner peace and acceptance of a fucking monk. I was shocked when I read some fics I swear#they really said this man has no trauma at all! the stuff in his past? he's over it!#i hate that passivity when writing victims. like ok if One is written like that#sure. but MHY write all their victims like this#I mean look at fucking Lanoire#and Neuvillette sentenced him to prison after he killed his parents who were never confronted by the law. That's canon.#that's more canon than WRLT itself.#why weren't they confronted? did wriothesley try to talk to someone about it? why did he feel like killing them is his only option ?????#at least have there be some sort of conflict and friction there. How does Wriothesley feel about the court and Neuvillette when#this is the literal system that allowed all that shit to happen to him in the first place???#are you Sure he won't be at least a little wary? the fact that some people think he's Grateful to Neuvillette or even idolises him is crazy#because the man literally subjected him to prison. and if you want to portray his prison life as easy breezy and trauma free#you undermine his entire shitty little 'prison reform' narrative#and if you think he'd be completely 100% accepting of the justice system. Then why the fuck would he kill his parents himself#don't you see that the whole 'I'll accept whatever sentence in order to kill my parents' thing in itself is an act of defying the system#and I Hate#this idea. about being some of the most powerful men in the nation. and yet they can't fucking TRY to set up a better system or smth#i can't believe I read a fic where leaving starving street kids croissants is the most they (the characters and the writer) want to do#like. what the fuck. the whole point of that scene is just to make neuvillette feel bad and be like aw......... poor people exist.... OK???#this is literally how MHY would portray him though.... tbf..... This is what ppl would argue as 'in character'#I just think the character they're in is bad.#I will say I'm giving the fic a lot of grief. there's more to the scene than that. and. ultimately.....#fanfic is (saying this through gritted teeth) ........ recreational....................and free........... in the end.................#i dont think this is reflective of the writer. I do think it is reflective of the way the canon material (genshin impact)#presents in the audience who consumes it. most fans only want these guys to fuck anyway. not think about systemic injustices#canon doesn't make it about the systemic injustices either so why should we. the aesthetic of slums and prisons are just there for fun guys#IM JUST CRAZY OK. I SHOULDNT EVEN BE HERE THIS IS NOT FOR ME . I DONT CARE THAT MUCH FOR PEOPLE FUCKING AND I CARE TOO MUCH
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catscidr · 2 days
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// untitled fic nº 110 //
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i. note — i was feeling a certain typa way because i kept coming across fics where the reader was described as busty so i wrote this in like two hours to make myself feel better lmao sue me…. ii. includes — dottore, afab!reader. no pronouns used, only descriptions of boobs/looking womanly (?) iii. cw — fluff, hurt/comfort, crack-ish bc this is a little silly, dottore is trying his best (maaaybe ooc), a little suggestive but nothing happens, talks of sex and oral, casual touching. MDNI. tldr reader is self conscious about their body and dottore tries to make them feel better lol iv. wc — 1,8k
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It’s not often that you get to lay in bed with your lover; he’s always busy running around his lab, either fixing others’ mistakes or scrapping his own work to start over what he has spent so much time on. Dating the infamous Il Dottore was a challenge not many were strong enough for, but you made it work.
You would spend time with him in Haeresys by helping him with some tasks (even if they were small, and didn’t really need to be done in the first place). Handing him different tools when he’d wordlessly ask for them while neck deep in the guts of a Ruin Guard, carefully organizing old reports and documents in his desk that would never see the light of day anytime soon, and bringing him a healthy meal to eat while he worked (though you would do that yourself, because Archon forbid he actually eats on his own accord).
So, given how sparse your time together is, of course you would make it count. Of course you would use that time wisely, go out for an evening to a nice restaurant, maybe even cuddle up on the couch to binge an entire season of a show you had been meaning to watch for ages but couldn't bring yourself to because you wanted to watch it with him.
You wouldn’t dare spend your evening together in bed, wallowing in your own self-pity while he sits up, reading a book you can’t even stomach the contents of.
...Except that’s exactly what you’re doing.
You can't really help it, though. You know how he is; diligent and hardworking, a man of his craft. You know he doesn’t have the time to entertain you and your silly questions and hypotheticals, you know he’s not too fond of sweet touches and words of affection. You know this isn’t your typical relationship, but you don’t mind because you get to be with him— and you wouldn’t have it any other way.
Save for when you sulk and feel so incredibly insecure and inadequate for a man such as himself.
Humans have needs. You are human, and you have needs. Dottore is a human (to some extent, though still technically human), so he, naturally, also has needs.
The issue lies in the enormous, metaphorical physical gap between you and your lover. Naturally, Dottore is essentially married to his craft, so getting any sort of action is usually out of the question. You can get a peck or two out of him, one in the morning and one at night (if you’re even awake to feel his scarred lips gently pressing into your cheek), but that’s where the list of physical affection ends.
You’ve talked about your desires and boundaries alike when you first (officially) started going out. The discussion didn’t leave out anything sexual in nature either; though the conversation was mostly led by you, while he simply nodded and pitched in with a word or two every so often.
It’s not to say you’ve never been physical with one another. But recently it’s been happening less and less, and you’ve been finding yourself in this position a lot more often; curled into yourself, lost in your own thoughts as you picked out every little detail about you that you were certain weren’t up to his standards. 
It’s only when you feel him shift next to you that you’re brought back to your shared bedroom, away from the rainy clouds stuffing your mind. 
Dottore shuts the book in his lap, keeping his right hand’s thumb wedged between the pages. He peers down at you with a curious expression, silently analyzing your suspicious silence. 
“You’re quieter than usual,” he comments, tone as flat as it could be. You crane your neck back to look up at him, the duvet covering most of your face as you wrack your brain for something to say. 
After a second of opening and closing your mouth, you finally say something. “’M just tired,” you murmur quietly, nuzzling deeper into the blankets to sell your point. He hums in response, placing his book on the nightstand next to his side of the bed and crosses his arms in front of him, brow quirked up in disapproval. Piercing red eyes stare down at you, making you hold back a shudder. Archons, you’d never get tired of seeing him without that ornate mask of his.
“It’s quite abnormal for you, of all people, to be silent when presented with the opportunity to have a conversation with me, uninterrupted” Dottore states, watching as you tense in your little cocoon. After a beat you emerge from your safety, chin just barely peeking out of the edge of the duvet. 
“...I had a long day.” You avoid looking at him, a pout gracing your lips. He huffs in response and runs a hand through his loose hair. “Long day you say?” Dottore keeps his composure intact, remembering the moments you’ve whined to him throughout the day about how completely and utterly bored you felt. 
“Mm. Long day, right,” he brings one hand down to hold onto the duvet and pulls it down, making you reach for the blanket to cover yourself up; though your efforts are in vain. “What’s on your mind.” 
The way he spoke to you sent shivers down your spine, shuddering at the way he spoke in a way he would when making a statement. 
“Nuhh... nothing. Nothing at all, I don’t know what you’re talking about.” You shift in the bed to cover yourself, even if it’s entirely unnecessary. The tee shirt you wore covered you plenty, but without the duvet you just felt so... exposed. Especially with how well Dottore could read your body language; it’s like you didn’t even need to say anything (because you didn’t). 
His gaze on you never relents as he scrutinizes your appearance; your furrowed brows, your hair sprawled across the pillow- still damp from your shower- and the way your lip trembles almost imperceptibly as you hold back the urge to talk about what’s been bothering you. He hates having to metaphorically twist your arm to get you to open up, but if that’s what he needed to do to keep you sane, he’d do it over and over again. 
Dottore scoots his body down to lay in the bed properly and turns to his side to face you, icy hair cascading down his neck as he pulls you in towards him with a hand on your waist. You squeak, tilting your head back so as to not invade his personal space. 
“What’s on your mind?” he asks, softer than before but still with a demanding tone. You shrink, avoiding looking into his eyes. 
“Nothi-” 
“I’m not in the mood for games.” He says your name quietly, thinly veiled with an unspoken warning. 
With a huff you bite the inside of your cheeks, and finally relent. You speak quietly and without even an ounce of confidence, earning a sharp sigh from your lover. 
“I can’t hear you when you mumble like th-” 
“I’m flat!” you practically shout. 
Dottore blinks back the whiplash that hit him in the face, stern expression fading into one of complete and utter perplexion. You don’t elaborate, staying quiet as a deep flush takes over your cheeks. 
“You’re... what?” 
He stares at you owlishly, for once at a loss for words. You nod, sitting up to properly articulate your feelings now that the cat was out of the bag. 
“My boobs are small! I have no ass! I’m... I look like a door!” You gesture at your chest, expression looking entirely distraught as you vent your feelings out to your lover. Your shoulders droop down unceremoniously, lips jutting out in a pout as you stare at the wall to avoid crossing Dottore’s gaze. The sound of the wind howling outside of your bedroom window morphs into what almost sounds like a laugh, as if mother nature herself was cackling at your expense.
“I feel bad when people see you with me. I can’t... I have such a bad gag reflex I can’t even take a third of your dick in my m-” 
He cuts you off by placing a hand on your shoulder, frown etched deep onto his face. If you looked closely you’d see red dusting the tips of his ears, contrasting against his hair. 
“You’re self-conscious because you have... small breasts and a... sensitive uvula?” Dottore says, his tone completely void of the confidence he usually carried. Fingers comb through your hair, light and gentle, as he thinks of what he can even say in response to your confession. 
You sniffle, looking down at yourself. The shirt you wore did little to help your smaller cup size— and as you frown at yourself, you bring a hand up and place it over one breast. “See, even my hand can cover them easily. My body doesn’t have even a little bit of curves.” 
Although at a loss, Dottore recovers from the absurdity of the situation in record time. He shifts your body so you’re now facing him, and very casually slips his hands underneath your shirt to cup your breasts. He speaks before you can, cutting off the slurry of complaints you had ready. 
“Have I ever complained about them?” he asks solemnly, forcing you to look at him. “As far as I’m aware I never have. Why bother being concerned over something so trivial?” 
His hands squeeze them gently, making you squeak in response. The more seconds pass, the more ashamed and flustered you feel for even bringing this up. As if a man of his caliber would even care for something like this, how stupid do you have to be to think of him as someone that only cared for looks?
“Well, no, but-” another squeeze cuts off your train of thoughts,” -b-but the rest...! Men like women with a fuller figure, I can’t even give you a titjob!” 
The words that flew out of your mouth made his head spin, from both irritation and embarrassment simultaneously. He inhales and exhales slowly, dragging his palms down to your ribs, then your waist, until they settle atop your hips. 
“I’ve never asked for anything of the sort,” he sighs, observing the changes in your face carefully. 
“Yeah, but-” 
“No ‘but’s. Your body is fine. It does not matter how it looks like from the outside; your organs are working properly, and you do not have any abnormalities forming anywhere inside or outside of it. How your figure looks holds little importance to me.” 
His words sink in, and you feel your invisible dog ears droop to rest flat on top of your head as you glance down at your lap, shame ringing in your ears. Dottore’s grasp tightens around your hips, demanding for your attention to be on him once again, refusing to let you sulk as long as he could help it.
“Although, putting functionality aside, do I need to remind you exactly what I think of your body? Shall I remind you how you make me feel whenever I see you parading around my office? How my body reacts to you?”
Your lips threaten to quirk up into a sheepish smile, but your shame still ate you up from the inside, keeping you from reacting. Your lover hums and flashes you a wolfish grin, leaning in towards your neck to nibble at your ear, teasing the flushed skin. 
“We do have the rest of the night to ourselves, don’t we? Want to find out just how much your body affects me, my love?”
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vechter · 2 days
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ao3 for dick grayson fics is such a trying experience, truly bc what do you mean there's not one, not two but an overwhelming abundance of fics where dick is a bad sibling and jason todd is the ideal, supportive, drops-everything-for-your-crisis sibling?
like i can understand the appeal of exploring the lesser of dick's choices and character traits and how those impact his relationships with the rest of the bats but you mean to tell me that any of them- damian, tim, cass- tim, especially- would willingly go to jason for help when they have the option of asking dick?
as much as red robin is a deeply rich, complex story about grief and morality, i'm afraid it did irreparable damage to dick's character, not to mention tim's (that boy does not have an egregiously high body count, comics would never gloss over that kind of mass death or be implicit about it in any way if that had actually happened)
dick's primary character thesis is being a safety net for people who fall- the way bruce and batman were for him after his parents died. it's one of his chief driving forces. there is no world where he doesn't help out a stranger, let alone his siblings if they come to him for help. and despite all of the bats being notoriously bad at asking for help and support, the number of instances where dick is an empathetic listener, doling out advice and emotional support and compassion (even when people are tight-lipped about needing any of those things) far outweighs the times he has been short-sighted or intentionally harsh. no character is perfect but to see how often jason is written favourably whilst simultaneously dragging dick is maddening fr
like, fine you like jason a lot. it can be fun and cathartic to write about him choosing to develop relationships outside of his grief/trauma/revenge with bruce (although i think that the most compelling thing about jason is how much of his character post-resurrection is driven by existing as a dead boy walking so to see him actually care about living and making healthy choices would probably require something beyond therapy with harley quinn lmao) but is it really necessary to do that while putting dick down? both tim and damian have seen dick while he is decidedly not at his best (reeling from the circus burning down in nw '96, grieving bruce, finding his footing as batman) and have come out the other side firm in their belief in him. cass, unfortunately is more removed from dick's immediate circle but that's a whole other tangent about how peripheral dick is to both of the batgirls that come after babs. steph, by virtue of having a parent who is alive, is lucky enough to be removed from more of the complicated dynamics all of them have with each other. and while dick is an ass in her initial batgirl days, he does warm up to her (but that again is a whole other post considering the legitimacy and nuances of characterizations in batgirl- tim never gets the same flak for his treatment of steph despite being much, much closer to her and actually knowing her beyond the second robin to die- and even then, when dick finds out about steph's death, the gist of initial reaction is to blame bruce, perhaps, rightfully so)
like you're falling for his act!!! as readers of a form of media like comics, we are lucky enough to get a glimpse into dick's inner neuroses and thought-processes while simultaneously seeing how he acts on them. ofc we see him make mistakes but a lot of the other characters don't!! and if/when they do, they don't see beyond the performance he delivers. even barring the fucked-up-ness of a high stakes job like vigilantism where trauma and death and adrenaline are linked together messily, no relationship between two people is perfect. people hurt each other, people lash out!! but the most compelling thing about dick is how often he reaches out, how often he swings back even after he has swung away!! that's what makes him such a source of light, hope and positivity for everybody he encounters
and this is not even touching n52 which seems like the most hasty kind of decision making and writing from editorial with no consideration for a lot of the characters' histories, lore and their core characterizations
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gecemi09 · 2 days
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hi i just wanted to ask if you had any jason-centric fanfic recs that actually focus on him and not make it about another character (saying this because the bruce and tim stans do this so often for some reason)
because i don’t know, its odd, so much fanfic is dedicated to how jason has to grovel to get the approval of the batfam or batman and i don’t want that because like in my opinion jason was never wrong about anything actually. unfortunately it seems most fans disagree and then write not so enjoyable fanfic about it :/
looking at the tim drake stans in particular like thats the most boring robin dont drag jason into this 😭
Hi! First of all thank you so much for sending an ask! Basically these will be fics that focus primarily on Jason and do NOT have him be in the wrong (i have those too, bc they can be well written and they are unfortunately impossible to avoid). Theyre not in any particular order, I'm just going thru all my bookmarks haha!! This is long bc my bookmarks containing jasons character tag is 28 pages on ao3. i am very normal about him. anyway! here they are:
The Beating Heart is a 4-shot featuring Ghostmakes/Jason, so if thats not your cup of tea, ignore it. Bruce is very much an asshole in this so if you're feeling hateful towards him (which is based) this will scratch that itch
The Bowery Branch is a one-shot from the pov of a librarian in the bowery. It's a bunch of snapshots focusing on how the librarians there view and interact w jason throughout his life!
The Lost Titans is soo good. Jason and some other people start having dreams about an alternate timeline where they were in a titans team together. Then some shit starts to go down and they have to fix it. has minimum bat appearances iirc. great mystery too!!
hit me as hard as you can is another good one. i think bruce and jason start over at the end but it was such a journey?? the whole thing is very good. and i remember the writing being very poignant
Thank you, Next! is a one-shot focusing on Jason and the men he's loved over the years. Introspective and character study-esque. very good
so, you've killed the joker is, as the name implies, a oneshot abt jason killing the joker. he does NOT feel guilty about doing it, which is for some reason a common trope in fics.
Father-Hood is about Jason raising an infant before he has the chance to start his revenge plan. He also gets together with Eddie Bloomberg <3
Granted the Serenity is about Countdown w donna jason and kyle happening w an al caste jason i think. it has next to 0 bruce iirc.
Things We've Lost, and Things We've Gained takes place in the young justice cartoon verse. if u dont know about it the short story is: the first child superhero team was not teen titans and roy harper was kidnapped and replaced w a clone and when the og roy is found he is rlly angry lol. Jayroy.
Yellow, Red, and Green is an au where jason becomes a green lantern while digging out of his grave. has a sequel in the works afaik but still good as a standalone.
Get Used to Dying is, in my objectively correct opinion, THE Jason Todd fic. I have recommended it before, and it's still a masterpiece. It tells Jason's life in the format of a play, absolutely brilliant.
Sacrosanct is about jason & bruce's relationship, and i think just from bruce's pov, but I have to rec it on the ground of it just being *chefs kiss* also there is no "bruce is right and do you not know how he mourned you jason!! care more about bruces reaction to your death than your own plase :/" bs
folly of youth, jason introspection/character study iirc. remember it being really good. also the last scene has great imagery.
in a new york minute, everything can change WILL make you cry no matter how much you've read it. it's about the last 60 seconds of Jason's (first) life. heartbreaking.
April 27th / I was only a child is a jason visits his grave one-shot. no bruce.
I think I could have included more but my bookmarks are uh. LONG. If I have other recs I will rb this post!!
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scekrex · 19 hours
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Soooo since I'm in an angsty mood and in need for something to cry over...
I was reading some ff today and there was that one addiction to it that I instantly thought could happen with Reader.
So hear me out....hanahaki disease, but maybe with a happy ending??
The reader thought that love could not hurt, he never has been in a serious relationship and when he got to heaven Adam had him falling in the instant, they quickly became friends, the reader was happy, he could be near his object of feelings. It started as a cough, nothing serious, it'll pass as they said. But it didn't stop, it got worse and worse the more he waited scared to tell Adam something and when it got serious, when he started coughing petals, he finally realised what was happening to him. Even then, he didn't say anything, maybe it wasn't fear of rejection, but fear that Adam will think about him differently, because of that stupidly painful disease... The reader wasn't coming out anymore, Adam started to get worried and decided to visit his best friend. That's how he found out, the reader left a note for later when he'll die again, but since Adam came too early... Adam was running in a reader's house trying to find him
And that's it
Omg I love this soooo much, I enjoyed writing it on a different level
I’m lying to myself until it’s true
pairing: Adam x male!reader
warnings: language, hurt/no comfort
note: not beta read bc fuck you
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When Heaven’s gates opened for you and Adam was the first one to greet you with a lazy, “Sup,” while slurping a drink, you simply knew that this man would cause you a lot of thinking. Because Adam was careless in the most affectionate way you could imagine, he carried himself confidently, with pride. He looked so holy, so pure and absolutely attractive, no matter what it was that he was doing, you found yourself starring. And given the fact that Adam had been the one to greet you and show you the ropes, the both of you grew quite close rather quickly. Adam was an open book, he made his opinions on certain topics clear, he stood in for himself and he talked a lot about himself. A thing that would have bothered you if Adam would’ve been anyone else, but it was Adam, he was interesting - the most interesting angel in heaven, at least in your opinion. And he was spending time with you simply because he liked your vibe and your company. The first man could’ve had anyone, no matter who, and yet he chose you.
The brunette was the most attractive being you ever met and it felt so easy and natural to simply adore him, he was so honest and talkative, so funny and sometimes bitchy but you liked that, you liked it a lot. And while the first man did not know about your feelings for him, you were simply happy to be near him. There was no need for Adam to love you back, as long as he would give you his attention you were happy with the situation.
That was until you got sick.
It started with a cough, nothing too serious, something that would leave again soon enough. Adam commented on it, the ‘simple cough’ got worse and worse as the days passed by and it got worse enough for the brunette to notice. Not that he hadn’t noticed it before, he had, but he simply never addressed it, the leader of the exorcists thought you were responsible enough to look for a doctor. But you weren’t and that was what made Adam worry, not that he’d ever voice those feelings out loud, but he deeply cared about you in his own Adam-ish way.
And while you were okay with how things were, you also craved to simply let him know about your feelings, you hoped things would be easier. Maybe he would return your feelings and he wouldn’t play guitar with the strings of your heart every time he told you about a new hook-up. But that would mean you’d also have to tell him about how serious the state of your sickness had gotten. The coughing had only been the start of it all and while Adam very much had noticed that your sickness was not simply disappearing like you had claimed it would, he didn’t know how bad it actually was.
“That’s it, bitch,” he grumbled as he picked you up and threw you over his shoulder. That action of his caused you to cough violently, you were barely able to catch your breath as you did so until small but colorful flower petals fell from your lips. Adam wasn’t able to see them, not with the small petals falling behind him, but you saw them and your eyes widened in shock.
No, that simply couldn’t be.
You started, your body was shaking, it felt incredibly hard to breathe and your mind was going absolutely crazy. A layer of sweat covered your skin as you desperately tried to get out of Adam’s grip and off his shoulder, you needed space. It felt like his arm, which was wrapped around your body to prevent you from falling, was crushing your lungs and while the logical part of your brain knew that wasn’t the case, the emotional part of your brain strongly disagreed and yelled at you to get away from Adam, to distance yourself as far as possible. He was slowly going to kill you.
It was the brunette’s voice that brought you back to reality a second later, “You’ve been sick for fucking how long? Don’t care, long enough. And since your prideful ass is too fucking busy blowing his own dick, I’m gonna fucking take you to the doc.” Your nails dug into Adam’s shoulder and your body tensed up at his words, the first man hissed painfully and softly slapped the back of your thigh, “Watch it, that fucking hurts.” But you were unable to relax, not when Adam was about to carry you through all of Heaven just to get you to the best doctor he knew of. “Let me down,” you whispered, your voice sounded rough from all the coughing and for a moment Adam seemed to actually consider listening to you, but then his grip only tightened and you watched with shocked eyes how he spread his wings.
“Adam, let me down,” you tried it again, speaking louder this time, it only resulted in coughing though, which was why he didn’t put you down, he did the exact opposite. The first man’s grip on you tightened and he shook his head, “There’s no fucking way, don’t want you to fucking die on me.” And that caused you to freeze. He didn’t want you to die and yet he would be the reason why you would die for a second time. You weren’t blaming him for not loving you back, it wasn’t his fault after all. Emotions and feelings are not something he can control, especially feelings like love for a certain person. And yet the unrequited love you held in your heart for the first man was what would end your life a second time. “Then drop me off at my place.”
Adam seemed to consider your words, then pushed himself off the ground which forced another cough to rumble through your body. Flower petals fell from your lips once more, they were bigger this time though, and not just a little. “Fine. But if you’re not doing better by tomorrow I will fucking drag your ass to the doc, if you fucking want or not.” And while the answer itself caused you to relax at least the slightest bit, it really didn’t make things any better.
-
Adam had not seen you the next day though, he hadn’t seen or heard from you in quite a while which was very concerning because somehow you were always around the taller male, no matter what he was doing - not that he minded, he didn’t mind your company at all. He liked having you around a lot and he wanted you to cling onto him again. And since you were not answering the door, responding to his texts or picking up his calls he decided to take things into his own hands, he went over to Zack’s house. Adam knew that Zack was one of your closest friends, he somehow always managed to know where you were at and what you were doing, surely he’d know where to find you.
But when the brunette arrived at Zack’s place, the other male wordlessly looked him up and down, then went back inside, closing the door right in front of Adam. The first man was about to complain but then the smaller male came back. With a serious look on Adam’s face he pressed a small piece of paper against the first man’s chest, then he slammed his door shut - this time he didn’t come back out again. So Adam took off, as he made his way over to your place instead he read the note Zack had given him - though it was more a letter than a note.
Dear Adam,
if you read this it means you went and talked to Zack, I hope he didn’t give you a hard time, knowing him he probably didn’t even speak to you. And knowing you, you're probably wondering why. Well, it’s pretty simple actually. I’m dead. I wrote this to let you know about some things that were going on before I died though, I feel like you deserve to know but first of all I wanna apologize. Apologize for not talking to you, for not telling you face to face what was going on. There’s no real excuse for this - I was scared.
So it’s not a secret that I was sick and while you thought it was just a simple cough, maybe a flue, it was worse and much more serious and yet I never did anything to prevent my death simply because I was scared you’d think of me differently, because I was so afraid you’d push me away and I’d have to die, knowing you hate my guts.
I loved you - still do. And that is the entire problem. Before I passed away a second time I suffered from the hanahaki disease. It was just coughing at first, pretty harmless, huh? But it got worse as the days went on and soon I started to cough out flower petals - not so harmless anymore. It got hard to swallow, to breathe, to eat and drink. I gave this letter to Zack during his last visit, I told him that I wanna go like I came - alone. I’m sorry you had to find out about all of this in a shitty letter that’s not even long enough to cover everything but I hope you understand why I did what I did.
Love, Y/N
Adam choked on his spit, then he started running. His mind was filled with you, pictures of you laying dead in your apartment filled his head and his vision went blurry because of the tears that welled up in his eyes. He was so caught up in his thoughts of you that he didn’t even think to use his wings.
Once he had reached your apartment, he kicked the front door open and ran inside - something he should’ve done sooner, way, way sooner. But he could blame himself for that later, now he had to focus on you. He screamed your name, his voice sounded as broken, his eyes were filled with tears which made it hard to see anything. You weren’t answering - how would you be able to?
And then he finally found you. You were laying on the couch, struggling to breathe. His eyes widened and he rushed over to your fighting body. Without hesitation he pulled you in his arms, looking down at you. Tears fell from his eyes onto your face and the wetness caused you to open your eyes.
You were still alive.
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getvalentined · 2 days
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Hey, long time lurker with a brand new account here! i was just reading an earlier ask you answered about why Vincent didn’t stop Hojo and Lucrecia and (of course) Sephiroth, but there’s also something that bugs me that I’m not sure has been addressed in canon or fanon. I like Vin and Veld as work besties in the 1970s and they’re also a ship of mine. Yet I’m not quite sure how to factor in how Vincent gets shot during his time at the Nibelheim Manor, is presumed dead, and Veld doesn’t even go to investigate until Before Crisis, when he finds Vincent in the coffin and tells him he’ll come back another time. I guess an answer I could come up with for myself was that someone higher up than Veld forbade him from looking into Nibelheim for all those years but I’m curious what your thoughts would be? :)
My take on this is actually very specific and headcanon heavy, since there isn't a lot of information on that whole time period—much less information specific to Veld—but I'll give as comprehensive a breakdown as I can!
Things we know specific to Vincent and Veld's situation:
Veld was Vincent's partner in the Turks
Veld did not know Vincent was dead
Detailed explanations on the certainty of both of these are under the cut, but they go into linguistics and translation disputes and context cues that will absolutely get us both lost in the weeds if I go into them here.
Other things that are moderately relevant to this explanation:
All victims of the Kalm fire were taken to Nibelheim for processing by R&D, including both Veld and Felicia (source: BC chapter 13)
In spite of being processed in the same location and even being utilized in the same experiment as Felicia, Veld didn't know that she survived, so it's very possible to hide people in there (source: BC chapter 13)
Veld did not know that Hojo had anything to do with Vincent's disappearance (source: BC chapter 19)
At the time that Vincent disappeared, Gast was still in control of R&D (source: OG FF7)
The Turks know absolutely nothing about the contents of the room in which Vincent is sealed (source: BC chapter 19)
Veld has multiple lines in BC that make it clear he's intimately familiar with the Manor, talking about how it still has a dark atmosphere and how unpleasant the place is. He also seems genuinely concerned when the Player Turk reveals that they were in there getting rid of old research materials on Tseng's order, although I think that's more because he didn't want his newer Turks finding out about what had happened to him if at all avoidable. (It was not avoidable.)
That familiarity with the facility, on its face, makes it really weird that Veld didn't know anything about what happened to Vincent. The only obvious way to reconcile this with him never finding Vincent (aside from the cop-out of "it's just bad writing") is that Veld chose not to look for him, he chose not to question his disappearance, he chose to forget him and let him fade into obscurity. This sounds really bad!
My take actually plays into this concept, and it while it could still be slightly damning for Veld, it's really just as much of a tragedy as anything else in that whole situation: Veld did look, but he started looking way too late.
In my headcanon universe, Vincent and Veld were together prior to the mission in Nibelheim. They broke up not long before Vincent left (the assignment itself is partially to blame for this, but that's long headcanon rambling I will save for another time), and the assignment was long-term enough that Vincent's reports were expected weekly for the first month, then monthly for the proceeding three months, and then quarterly after that. The assignment was slated to last roughly a year and a half, but could have gone up to three years according to Gast's estimations based on his previous efforts and the term of Project G.
But Veld had literally broken up with Vincent right before he left for this assignment, so he wasn't surprised when Vincent only sent two weekly reports, one monthly report, and then dropped into quarterlies from there. The reports themselves were still comprehensive, although Veld got the distinct feeling that Vincent was getting a little emotionally involved in the assignment—not that Veld could blame him, Vincent was requested for this assignment because Gast knew Grimoire, so Vincent was probably having a rough time being in close quarters with people who were so fond of his dead father. Still, the distance would be good for him. Let him get his head on straight.
In mid-1977, Vincent's report schedule faltered again. Veld had received one in April, a bit late—because Lucrecia was pregnant and she broke up with Vincent and married Hojo and he didn't know what to do, he didn't have anyone to talk to, but he didn't want Veld to know. One in September, at the very end of the month—because things were getting so bad, Lucrecia was so sick, Hojo was so aggressive, Gast literally didn't care—and in this report, Vincent said that there may be complications with the project that would require company attention, but he would let Veld know in his next report.
That report never arrived, because Hojo shot Vincent on October 24th, 1977.
Veld waited, because there was a schedule, and Vincent had been a bit lax anyway. No big deal.
At the end of December he received a missive from Gast stating that he would require escorted transport back to Midgar for himself and an infant, by no later than the end of January. Nothing from Vincent, but Gast didn't mention anything, so Veld thought nothing of it.
In mid-January, two Turks arrived in Nibelheim to help transport Gast and his team back to Midgar, and Vincent wasn't there. To hear anyone tell it, he hadn't been there for months. While phone lines were shaky so far out, they eventually made it through to Veld, notifying him that Vincent was missing.
They questioned the rest of the team, but their search of the facility was limited without clearance from higher-ups with that kind of sway. Veld could do a full search, he had the security clearance for it, but two lower-ranking Turks could not.
Lucrecia said that she didn't want to talk about it—she felt bad enough already. Hojo said the last time he'd seen Vincent was mid-October, and he'd just thought the boy finally ran off back to his kennel.
Veld questioned Gast when he arrived back in Midgar, finding that he was the most forthcoming and the least useful. Gast stated that he was under the impression that Vincent had returned to Midgar in early November; he'd been out of town for the last two weeks of October for a board meeting back in Midgar, discussing assignments for Project 0, and Vincent was gone when he returned.
All of them were lying.
By the time Veld made it out to Nibelheim to search himself, it was mid-February, and Hojo had moved Vincent into cold storage for the time being. Things were being shuffled around with the onset of Project 0 anyway, samples and subjects and materials being moved in and out, Lucrecia finally being sent back to Midgar for a much-needed postpartum recovery period, Hojo being given temporary control over the facility.
At this point in time, the Turks only had so much power. R&D was swiftly making itself the most indispensable department in the company, and Veld's search of the premises was always one step behind Hojo's relocation of materials. There was almost certainly one point where Vincent was held in a steel containment tank being relocated from the lower lab to the upper or vice-versa, and wheeled right past Veld without him knowing.
Veld, who knew how emotional Vincent could be and had now gotten the whole story of the regrettable whirlwind love affair from Hojo and Lucrecia, came to the conclusion that Vincent had gone AWOL. Could Veld blame him? He had been treating Vincent like crap since their own breakup—he hadn't been communicating, and even though he'd been able to tell that something was wrong, he never even tried to call and ask him about it. He'd been pissed off too, and left Vincent to his own devices...for over a year. On a separate continent. Of course he tried it with Lucrecia. Of course he left when that relationship fell through.
And Vincent was a good Turk, the best in the entire department, so he'd definitely know how to disappear. How to cover his tracks. Specifically how to hide from the current head of the department, who just happened to be his partner.
If Vincent chose to disappear, Veld would never be able to find him; since he never found any evidence of what transpired to lead to his disappearance, Veld could only assume that was what happened.
Almost thirty years later, he was horrified to finally get into that sealed room—the one Hojo said they used to store old furniture and facility staffers' more valuable personal belongings, way back in 1978—and discover that he'd been completely, utterly, devastatingly wrong.
But, once again, Veld had just waited too long to do anything about it.
Game content and dialogue sources:
Grimoire Valentine's BC playthrough
Flash PINK's BC script
Evidence that Veld and Vincent were partners:
The Grimoire Valentine BC playthrough translates Veld's line when explaining Vincent's identity as "We were partners a long time ago." I've seen this translation disputed, because the actual word Veld uses is 同僚 (dōryō), which is best translated as "colleague."
To my knowledge (based on obsessive linguistics research because I have a problem, I do not speak Japanese but I will spend hours researching exactly what specific terms mean within the context of a given culture), this implies equal standing within the company in question. Of course, this is in real-world situations, so we can't assume it applies 100% to FF7 canon—luckily, this word is used at one other point in the game, giving us important context on its usage within the department: in chapter 14, when Tseng thinks the Player Turk has been killed in Wutai, Yuffie asks how they know each other and Tseng replies "They're a [colleague]."
Tseng is vice director, meaning they're definitely not equals, so this could imply that this word is used more loosely among the Turks, thereby disproving the partnership between Vincent and Veld. However, since Veld uses the word 部下 (buka, "subordinate") to describe the other Turks in this same chapter, I personally feel that Tseng uses this term very intentionally at this point, and it's meant as an indication of his character. When Tseng thinks the Player Turk is dead, he refers to them as an equal. This is further implied by the fact that in the proceeding scene, when the Player Turk is proven to have survived, they continue to refer to him as Tseng-san, using the standard honorific, while Tseng doesn't use one in return to refer to them. Veld likewise doesn't use an honorific when referring to Tseng, but the other Turks do.
Back to Vincent and Veld's little reunion, though, I feel like Vincent's dialogue completely clarifies the intent: Vincent doesn't use an honorific or a title when referring to Veld. Every other Turk in the game refers to Veld as 主任 (shunin), with or without his name, which translates to "director." Meanwhile, Vincent refers to Veld by his name and his name only, and Veld doesn't refer to Vincent with an honorific either.
In their department, it's clear this isn't something you would do with someone who wasn't on your level. Subordinates get no honorific, sure, but anyone even remotely superior gets one—a practice that holds true well after Veld is gone, as Elena refers to Reno and Rude as "senpai" from her recruitment in 0007 all the way up to her appearance in Advent Children.
If either Vincent or Veld were ranked differently to the other, the lower-ranking one would use an honorific—but they don't. Names only. Add in the fact that they instantly recognized each other after almost thirty years, and the level of familiarity is undeniable.
Those men were partners, a long time ago.
Evidence that Veld didn't know Vincent was dead:
Upon finding Vincent in 2006, he isn't shocked to find him alive—instead, he refers to Vincent having "disappeared," specifically using the phrase 姿を消し (sugata o keshi), to describe what he knows to have happened. To my knowledge, this is an entirely neutral phrase with no implication of death or malfeasance, particularly within the context of Veld's dialogue, which makes it explicitly clear that whatever happened to Vincent, Veld did not believe it killed him.
His next line is something along the lines of "Did Hojo do this to you?" which I find equally important; he very quickly adjusts his assumptions based on the situation and what Vincent looks like, moving immediately away from the concept of a mysterious disappearance to something much more sinister, but he doesn't seem to have thought of that possibility prior to this point.
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densitywell · 9 months
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Marisha's comment about how Relvin is one of those parents who ended up with a child they didn't know what to do with really gets to the heart of it, i think, and is such a good way to tie the fantasy element of Imogen's powers into things more tangible. because there are really a lot of parents like Relvin in real life, who have a child with the person they're happily married to and never expect to be left alone with the kid. or who expect a ""normal"" (read: cisgender and heterosexual, able-bodied, relatively neurotypical and obedient, etc.) child and end up with one who's ""difficult"", who demands more or different of them than what they believe they signed up for. and that's not entirely entitlement on a parent's part- many cultures' common frameworks of parenthood and child-rearing do not include space for these children. it makes sense that Relvin was unprepared. raising any child is difficult, and raising a child whose needs you were never taught how to accommodate, who the world is so cruel to, is even more challenging.
and yet. and yet, the person who bears the brunt of the harm in these situations will always be the child. they're the ones who have to live every moment of how the world treats them, without the support that their parent is supposed to provide them. and when asked to care for his child even when she turned out to be ""difficult"", Relvin couldn't. for entirely sympathetic reasons, of course. he tried, in his own way. i don't think he's a bad guy. but he's let his own broken heart bleed onto his daughter. he hasn't been able to give her much else.
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marklikely · 3 days
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just sharing a collection of some pics that i really like of mac <3 unfortunately he got very sick this past month and we lost him this morning. rip to a very sweet and curious boy who loved to explore and was the only one smart enough to learn a trick so far you will be missed <3
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definitelynotshouting · 2 months
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Can I ask, since you mentioned agreeing 'even if under duress' - how did the Watchers convince Player Grian to join them in hunger au?
So take this with the specific grain of salt that ive never watched Evo directly (but have friends who have ((thank you wren)), so i know tidbits via osmosis from them), but my thought has always been that the riddles the Watchers gave the Evo Players were all tests used to measure cleverness and intelligence-- the whole point of them attempting to copy the mind of a Player into a Watcher larva in the first place was to try and avoid the insanely high infant mortality rate their typical juveniles go through, bc they dont understand their own limits enough to even know they have them yet. So they needed a Player they knew they could instruct and who would listen to them, and, well. Grian, for all he was rebellious and outright defiant of the Watchers, still solved their puzzles and only had to be punished once before he stopped trying to mess with them
What ive always pictured is after the dragon fight the two main elders of the Watcher colony finally revealed themselves to Grian properly-- i have this crystal clear image of the two of them hovering above and next to the central end island, looming over Grian, and like, these guys are big. HUGE. A good 5x bigger than the ender dragon itself, at LEAST. It would be hard not to feel insanely intimidated by that, honestly, especially when there are two of them side by side, blocking your entire view of the End from that direction.
Anyway picture that with the context of these two giant floating winged worms youve never seen before, who have demonstrated their powerful ability to manipulate code in a way you cant.... telling you that they have chosen you to become one of them. Thats an immense amount of pressure, both from flattery and fear, especially considering theyve punished you before for defying them. I like to think even then, Grian balked a bit, and while i dont have exact dialogue beats here, i know the Watchers continued putting that pressure on him (likely while leveraging his friendships too-- like ive always said, if Grian hadnt been chosen, BigB wouldve been, and i can absolutely see the Watchers offering to take him in Grian's stead) until he finally caved and accepted their "offer" of joining them.
Unfortunately, he didnt find out exactly what that entailed until it was far too late.
#shouting speaks#asks#hunger au#evo watchers#watcher!grian#grian#evo smp#tldr they pressured tf out of him to do it#through both flattery and also leveraging his own fear against him#he was a Player after all. they were likely bumping his mood post-dragon fight to make him more suggestible#the most painful thing abt this to me is that the Watchers still werent being deliberately malicious here like#with the way they viewed Players this was NORMAL to them#they just. didnt rlly consider them as much more than food/hosts for their young. in their eyes the Watcher that emerged was different#than the Player it had hatched from#even though it had Grian's mind memories personality and stats#every day i feel shrimp emotions abt this#the horror he went through..... and they never once thought of it as torture#they never once regarded Player!Grian as something that needed to know what was going to happen to him#bc it was normalized to them. yeah sure Watcher juveniles hatch from Player hosts thats NORMAL thats part of their life cycle!!!#the only new thing is this one would still retain the Player's mind#it was a fucked up science experiment basically and grian wasnt told ANYTHING before it actually happened to him#sobs and cries ohhh grian i fucked you up SO BAD huh#also huge shoutout to my friend wren for giving me a little context while i wrote this and confirming my ideas slotted in#rlly well with existing canon. character understander status continues to stay intact im winning#txt
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oughh......
#laya plays dragon age#da2#oc: liam hawke#this happened a bit ago already & i wanted to draw sth for it but idk if i will finish that#but i gotta yell abt them anyway because OGH.#i have a lot of emotions about this quest ok#bartrand was the perfect scapegoat he was perfect to direct all the rage and pain at all these years#years of imagining gleeful revenge while bartrand is gloating and laughing like an evil soulless bastard#and then you meet him and he is just. a pathetic husk of a man with barely any own will left#and whats worse. varric is so so torn up about it#varric. the guy who never makes anything about him and who will always handwave and joke when something hits too close to home#drops all efforts to be smart and is just. desperate. begs hawke to not kill his brother#and liam wants to want bartrand dead so bad. he wishes he could look him in the eye and enjoy taking his life#and he knows varric will listen to him if he insisted. he knows when it comes down it it varric will yield to his decision#but he sees this broken guy who is barely the villain he kept projecting onto him and he sees varric and he sees two doomed siblings#and knows what its like to lose your sibling to your own blade#and he cant do it#and he hates it so much. but he wont do it.#and its the reason why i cant decide who dealt the killing blow for bethany bc it makes this scene juicy in different ways#if varric kills bethy its equally wanting to spare each other their siblings blood on their hands#as it is taking some form of revenge (on liams part). we both killed each others siblings. now we are even#the revenge part would still be there if liam did the blow on bethany himself. you made me do that and now i will take bartrand for it#but its also much more i know what its like. i wont make go through that too#if varric killed bethy and then also bartrand it would be more#''its my fault she is dead. i will take the revenge she/you deserves if you tell me to even though it will hurt me#dunno. all good variations i will. have to rotate them in my head more#or maybe just never decide idk they can be in canon limbo forever#anyways thats it for shouting into the void about them for now it Will happen again
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bumblingbabooshka · 1 year
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I like Tuvok canonically having a crush on Noss that he struggles through because it means that something about this stranded spider hunter appealed greatly to him and I want to know what that is
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'I just don't believe in/understand it!' well unfortunately for you I just don't stop existing as an agender person bc you don't believe in it. I'm not fucking tinkerbell.
#vent post#transphobia#let's play a game where we guess if my mom can ever learn to apologize when she did something wrong on accident#and that answer is rarely if ever#a lot of this isn't going to make sense#so just ignore me#also class move from my mom in response to being told she was (potentially) misgendering to RANDOMLY BRING IN MY FATHER WHO I'VE BEEN TOO#SCARED TO EVEN COME OUT TO YET#LIKE NO I HAVEN'T BROUGHT THIS UP WITH DAD AND YOU FUCKING KNOW WHY#BUT THANKS FOR BRINGING HIM INTO THE CONVERSATION I GUESS THAT WAS SUPER RELEVANT#maybe I messed up but so fucking did you#confronted her in the most neutral and nicest way I could bc I KNEW she wasn't misgendering on purpose and so I SAID THAT#and /I/ get called TOO SENSITIVE when asking them too be a bit more careful#I'm not asking for tHE FUCKING MOON HERE I'm asking you to LEARN TO CORRECT YOURSELF WHEN MESSING UP#and I keep fucking saying sorry why do I DO this the second there's friction#I just start apologizing for her and saying I never meant to cause harm I can never stick to my guns when I feel someone's mad at me#especially someone I'm close to why am I LIKE this#this happened the last time we argued and then I feel bad and she gets off scott free#this sounds one-sided but to be fair I did make a misunderstanding#but I still get called ''''too sensitive''''' while holding no accountability#I was APPROACHABLE and NEUTRAL in bringing it up so we could HAVE A CONVERSATION LIKE ADULTS#and yet STILL ASKING FOR TOO MUCH and get the cold shoulder#I knew she was mad from the first text#this shifts lines a little for me#misgendering#tw transphobia
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psychoticwillgraham · 4 months
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deleted the post about my ex bc he very well could send his friends to my blog to ask me why I blocked him and I don’t wanna take any chances. i don’t think i have to change my url rn bc i rlly don’t think he knows this one but if it suddenly changes then that’s why.
still blocked him on literally everything though and after 12 years of being victimized by him, I’ve taken back my agency and said enough’s enough, we’re done.
am i currently extremely paranoid that he’ll send his friends to my house or he’ll come here himself or send me a letter asking why I’ve ceased contact with him? and that he might find my blog and harass me? oh fucking absolutely. is that stopping me? absolutely fucking not. I’m tired of being abused and it’s finally time to close the book on that last part of my life before grandma’s death.
i hope i made you proud, grandma.
i’m finally fucking free
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girlwithfish · 1 year
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it still makes me sad and its only been like 20 hrs since i found out asleep for 6 of those hrs so yeah idk i think I've processed it. maybe i hate conflict maybe i am too forgiving or naive or trusting maybe i just want stability maybe its just i love him so im willing to forgive not sure.. i dont rly feel much abt it if i dont think abt it too much
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swiftzeldas · 9 months
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been thinkin abt older tv vs newer tv and the concept of High Stakes and how i feel like sometimes there’s this misconception that if you know a character isn’t going to die there are “no stakes” but the thing is a lot of tension in fiction comes not from “are they going to die” but “HOW are they going to get out of this” and “what will the consequences of this be” because sometimes yeah maybe they LIVE but they’re irrevocably changed or they’re badly injured or they have to compromise something else in order to survive! Sometimes that can be a lot more dramatic than a characters death!
Which isn’t to say characters shouldn’t die btw because I actually think more people should die on tv but the risk of death isn’t the ONLY way to generate high tension
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