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bulbabutt · 1 year

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if i can be corny for a second i wanna talk about the greatest strengths of the 2003 tmnt series and why it speaks to me (esp as a queer person)

so i might have alluded to this before, but let me say it outright: each show is definitely a product of its time, and the ideals of whatever generation its from. whether talking about the humour, the story, the dialogue etc, its always important to remember that these shows will always come off in a way due to the generation theyre from. and thats not a bad thing! it just means its important to think about them from that perspective.

2003 is a show of my generation growing up, and a thing about that era that maybe some people younger than me wont understand is there is so much more language commonly available to describe yourself now than there was then. you can take this in any context; mental health, sexuality, gender identity, or even just the ability to describe your relationships with more (idk if this will be the right word) therapist language.

in 03 we have a family unit of splinter and his sons, each with their own strengths and weaknesses. we have a splinter who hasnt opened up to his sons about the trauma hes experienced, but not in a way of shutting them out, simply because it isnt their responsibility to know as they are teenagers. he tells them of the mutagen that created them, but not of his past with his master yoshi, who he calls father when by himself, but never around his sons which is just an interesting concept to think about.

(i do not intent this next sentence as ragging on the two shows after this when i say it, simply from a character standpoint) this is the splinter who completely doesnt make his problems his sons problems, but he also is very willing to tell them the truth when he knows they're ready. this is is the most idyllic version of splitner out of all of them, even when comparing to his mirage counterpart (who hes the most based on) due to that splinter raising them to be ninja specifically to make them fight shredder. this one is just their father who loves them and wants to keep them safe the best way he can, and he was never a human in the first place to even know how to be that. so this whole family dynamic starts with him, and the way he raised his sons reflects his parenting.

so, the setting and year this show is made is 2003. something very relatable here is how there isnt a lot of language for the personality quirks of the turtles. there's so much evidence here for mikey having adhd, his brothers will say things like "why doesnt mikey have to help?" and the answer is "well, he'd be bored. and whats worse, mikey not helping or mikey being bored?" its this beautiful moment of, "hey, we know its not fair, but thats how mikey is, and its better for everyone if we just respect that thats how he is" mikey cant keep his hands off stuff, they know this they dont yell at him for behaving that way, they just stop him. this coding feels the most specific, but like i said. its 2003. we dont have the words to describe what this is yet, and if we do its not common knowledge.

another example is in the classic episode where raphael meets casey jones. raphael is sparring with mikey, and he lashes out and nearly kills mikey. everyone reacts to this by getting him to stop, and no one is more upset than raphael himself. they all tell him to go get some air, which he does. theres no moment of any of them screaming at him for losing his temper, its very clear that they all know he's going to do that himself. and he does go get some air. they all know thats what he needs. he goes and meets casey jones, another hot head, and raph has to help coach this hot head on his anger. when he comes back at the end of the episode after having let out that aggression, he apologizes and no one is upset with him. there's a very clear understanding among his family that he cannot help it, but the best thing they can do is give him his space when he needs it. watching this from a 2023 perspective (20 years later) im sure we could analyze this as a few things going on with raph, my mind comes to autism but at the end of the day it doesnt matter why he behaves like this, the point is that he does and the best thing his family does is just...help him. which they do. and they never hold it against him.

when leo is going through his ptsd arc hes at his closest to raph as a character, the show draws a lot of parallels (like having him go let out some aggression with casey) and we get to see the dynamic in reverse. in "i, monster" (the rat king episode) leo is losing it, taking on rat king alone and not wanting to let up. raphael is actively holding his brothers back when they say "we shouldnt leave him to fight alone", raphael says "if leo gets in trouble i'm the first one in there, but right now it looks like leo's got more than one monster to work out of his system" raph doesn't exactly know what leos going through, but he recognizes it. he knows he needs to fight alone, so raph lets him. its only when the building collapses and leo is no longer in a safe position that he says "leo lets go", which leo wordlessly agrees with and actually listens.

this is what i think is the best part of these guys, the unconditional understanding they have for the way they are. we still have our "raphs a big hot head" "mikeys annoying" jokes, but they feel like genuine good natured sibling ribbing because they know each other on that level.

and to go back to the fact that this show is set in 2003, there's something so specific about the way mikey constantly makes references to liking women's clothing, to being fine with feminine language, and to being open about being the pretty turtle who "has that effect on minds of men" speaks to me as a queer person. this could easily be intended as homophobic jokes and probably is, because again.... its the mid 2000s, thats very much what media was like, thats what the jokes were. especially with the girly screams mikey does being one of the first jokes of this nature.

but theres something that happens in season 4, where an alien is attacking mikey, and donnie rushes in and says "hey, thats my sibling" that sticks out. and it happens again in fast forward. when talking to the dark turtles leo says "you and your brothers" "me and my siblings"

because of the way this family unit just understands each other without ever having a conversation about things, it feels like its not a joke. theres some kind of affirmation happening here. even if it seems like i could be reading into it too much, its specific! and it keeps happening!

and by the end of the show, when mikey says he wants to be maid of honour, even if that line in the media itself was intended to be a joke, no one in their family treats it like one. of course mikey is the maid of honour, he asked to be one! the only real offence taken is when april says bride's maid, to which he is offended because hes so much more important than that!

so from a story standpoint, this show doesnt have the intricate complexities and butting heads of latter iterations, there isnt much relationship growth to be had (in fact once we get to around season 5 the flanderization of the characters kind of begins and it loses some of the more complexities) but thats because its just not the focus of the story! the story is more about what they go through together, and thats fine! thats what our shows kind of were at the time. not saying there isnt any relationship growth, but its very much not the focus because these turtles? they already understand each other in a healthy way.

so to me, these guys are kind of the most wholesome family unit

#tmnt #tmnt 03 #tmnt 2k3 #tmnt 2003 #2003 tmnt #can you tell im in my late 20s #lmao #this is why i did the silly st thing #cuz its relatable #thoughts

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misfithive · 9 months

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What Simon can teach us about boundaries!

Been seeing a lot of Simon hate again lately (mostly on other apps but i’m sure its here too) and it's getting pretty frustrating and honestly a little bit troubling that people think so little of Simon and his needs.

Simon hate feels like some weird connection to the patriarchy/heteronormativity where some people have just decided that it is okay for one person's needs to be ignored in a relationship in order to satisfy the other. Lisa seemed to intentionally try and create a dynamic in their relationship where they see each other as equals. They may struggle to see each others perspectives at times but that is true for literally ANY RELATIONSHIP where two people come together from different walks of life. Both their needs matter and their journey in the relationship is to figure out how to honor the other persons needs while honoring themselves or see if that is even possible.

Sooo I wanted to share some lessons about boundaries that people could learn through Simon instead of talking sh!t about him !!!

1. Boundaries are about what we want and need in a relationship. Sometimes people want different things and thats ok!

People love to say that Simon forced Wilhelm to come out. I even saw someone say that Simon was asking Wilhelm to "give up his family and the throne". No where does Simon ask him to do any of those things. Notice how Simon says "I don't want to be anyones secret"? This is not just about Wille. This is a boundary that he has for himself and the types of relationships that he wants to have. Everyone is allowed to have expectations or want a certain type of relationship. Saying you don’t want to be in a secret relationship is quite a reasonable request. It is also quite reasonable to say that you don't want to be in a public relationship. Sometimes in relationships, what two people need is incompatible at the time which is why it made sense for them to end things. That is the point- for both people to say what they need to feel comfortable and sometimes other people cannot meet your needs- you have to decide if that is a dealbreaker and for Simon at the time it was.

2. Boundaries ≠ manipulation

He tells Wilhelm he take as much time as he needs but you have to do it alone. That is a boundary it is NOT manipulation. He does not try to control Wilhelm or tell Wilhelm what to do. Saying a relationship wont work for you unless certain needs are met or that you dont want to do tons of emotional labor for another person is not manipulation. He is saying I am not okay with being a secret, I am not okay with having my trust broken, i’m not okay with being in a relationship where you say one thing and do another (Wilhelm made a promise he could not keep and even he has owned up to that to Nils). Simon is not saying YOU HAVE TO COME OUT RIGHT NOW OR ELSE. He is not playing mind games or trying to get Wilhelm to change his mind in order to be with him. He is willing to walk away even tho his heart is breaking because he knows it is not possible at that point for Wille and him to get on the same page.

Boundaries have become part of social media language lately thanks to instagram therapists and the like but a lot of people have misconstrued the meaning. Some people call something a boundary when they are actually being controlling. However the purpose of a boundary is about what you yourself are comfortable with, not what other people can/cannot do. Ex: “i am okay with holding hands in public but otherwise I don’t feel comfortable with PDA” (healthy boundary). Vs “you can’t have guy friends because I get jealous” (unhealthy boundary). Boundaries are healthy and necessary for a relationship to be healthy- they are not the same as manipulation or trying to control someone else.

3. What is okay for you does not have to be okay for someone else. Everyone’s boundaries are different because we are all different people with different traumas, needs, experiences, relationships, and limits. I have seen people compare the Wilmon to Narlie where Charlie is okay with Nick wanting to keep things “secret”. Besides the fact that this is a completely different relationship and context, the fun thing about boundaries is that what is okay for you does not have to be okay for someone else! Just because you would have been willing to be Wilhelm’s secret if he asked does not mean that Simon has to. Just because Charlie was willing to to do that for Nick does not mean that Simon has to. Not to mention !!! Nick also acknowledged that is not fair to Charlie and outside of not telling people they had a very loving smooth sailing relationship - people expect Simon to be like Charlie without acknowledging that Wilhelm is not giving the level of trust and security that Nick is. If you want to go there, I'm sure if Wille was acting like Nick being consistent not saying "i'm not like that", "delete my number" etc (regardless of the reason) then maybe Simon would have been more okay with it. This is not Wille hate bc i get it, but sometimes in empathizing with Wille people forget that Simon is a whole human with wants and needs. Simon needs to protect himself and his heart. We all do. Relationships should not require you to subject yourself to pain for someone else. It is healthy to have boundaries and know your needs and what you deserve. And at that point in time Wille could not give him that. Most people watching were quite proud of Simon for that so idk how the narrative got turned to him being selfish.

4. Boundaries can change

It is normal to reassess your boundaries, that does not make them any less valid. Clearly for Simon, once Wilhelm proved his trust more and and Simon reevaluated what he wanted, he decided that he was willing to be a secret if that meant having each other. If he never decided that, it still would have been totally valid. Also noting, there was no compromise/meet in the middle there in Simon deciding that he was willing to be a secret for Wille. It's just funny that Simon is getting the flack for not wanting to "compromise" or meet in the middle when in the end, Simon was willing to do exactly what Wille wanted and he gets ZERO credit from some people for that. Luckily Wilhelm sees what a sacrifice this is for Simon and does not leave Simon to sacrifice alone.

4. Boundaries protect the relationship, build trust and help relationships grow

If Simon had never stood his ground both in s1e6 and throughout s2 Wille would have likely continued the way he was going bc it was comfortable for him and he was understandably scared. They probably would have gotten in even more arguments and honestly i do not think Wille would have been forced to mature and consider Simons feelings in the way he eventually did. I know people resist Edvin calling Wille selfish but Simon has to constantly keep telling Wille “what about me? What about my family? Do you see how hard this is for me?” For some reason viewers are interpreting that as selfish ?? In a relationship you really should not have to be constantly reminding someone to consider you and your feelings.

Simon setting boundaries and saying what he wanted only made their relationship stronger even tho they had to take some time apart. Protecting yourself and wanting a healthy balanced relationship where your needs are considered as much as the other person’s is not selfish. And anyone who tells you that it is does not have your best intentions at heart. Simon is not saying his needs are MORE important than Wille’s he is saying that his needs matter TOO and are EQUALLY IMPORTANT to Wille’s. Which was the journey he needed to go on (as stated by his sister) and the journey that Wille needed to go on as well in order to create a healthy dynamic together.

Setting boundaries is hard but worth it in the end!!!

So yeah! I hope you all set some boundaries today or use this info to argue with simon antis 💖

—————-

Disclaimer// I am not a therapist i just do workshops with teens about healthy relationships and it is a passion of mine.

#young royals #wilmon #simon eriksson #anyone who hates on simon needs to self reflect #boundaries #simon and wilhelm #young royals s2

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yopigeonflyerjo · 1 year

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I just watched Midsommar (by Ari Aster), and I am OBSESSED with the Pelle character. May I ask for Pelle X reader where the reader is Dani’s friend and is torn between them? As America to go by what she saw and back to but not without YN, but reader and Pelle just can’t resist eacheach other? I make it very specyfic but hope you will feed my Pellestarved soul. Love ya

First, of all love you too <3, Secondly of course love i will do my best.

TW: manipulation

Pelle x Reader Headcanons

You meet Dani in campus library, you two were looking for same book, and library had only one copy. You realized that she is in same class, so you offer to work together on task. After few hours of conversations and laughing you two became inseparable.

When Christian invited her to Sweden you were not only first to know, but she also immediately get offer to join them. Christian, since you can comfort Dani better than him has nothing against it. You meet Christian friends day before trip. Rest of the pack didn’t really care, but one of them stand out of this group.

That was obviously Pelle. You two didn’t really talk much on the very beginning but gaze that he gave you, even Christian noticed it. When you start asking him about Harga, you two stoped talking on morning.

My man was already in love

When group arrived Harga you were focused on Dani and her mental health. Sometimes you were her personal therapist with she hate. Often that was reason of your quarrels. it was one of this arguments.

You were crying at the edge of the village, when Pelle found you.

He immediately used fact that you were vulnerable and start convincing you how amazing Harga community is.

As much as we love him, he is brainwashed yandere sectarian

You feel bonded to him after that night

Next day was Ättestupa

When you realized what just happened you turn around and start to run.

After one, maybe one and half kilometer Pelle catch you

You were crying and throwing hands, he tried to calm you down. After few minutes you throw up everything you ate in past days.

He was just silently holding your hair and stroking your back.

After returning anything you ate, he just hug you. You didn’t have a single thought when you hug him back.

During this year you focused on Dani and completely neglect your mental health. As much as you love her, she didnt give you any support. "Its not her fault, she had worse year", you wasn’t wrong, but that doesn’t make your health any less important.

Pelle was fisrt person that care about you since years.

When you and Pelle get back to village Dani was ready to go. She even packed your things.

You hesitate and looked at Pelle. His face expression didn.t change. He was still smiling "If you want go", said.

He knew you wont

And he was right

You convinced Dani to stay, and after long talk and liters of tears you tell her how you feel. You left Dani in sleeping room and went to Pelle. He was waiting for you outside.

When he saw your face, wet from crying but smiling he was sure that you will be his till end of Midsummer celebrations.

#midsommar #ariaster #slashers #headcanons #horror movies #pelle x reader #pelle imagine #pelle midsommar

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river13245 · 21 days

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Congrats on 200 followers!!

❤️ - pick a series/movie and give me a description of what you are like and I will tell you who I ship you with.

Supernatural please!

I love reading, my favorite genres are poetry, Russian lit, and mysteries! I love learning about new things and knowing a little bit of everything. I adore adventures, witty and playful banter, joking around and having indepth discussions on anything and everything! I adore all forms of art and I have quite a few creative hobbies! I listen to a lot of modern/indie rock and I love watching films very much! It takes me a while to feel comfortable around new people but once I do, I become really talkative and outgoing. I love helping out and I'm the therapist friend, people come to me to vent or for advice and comfort. I'm smart and ambitious; I love being the best at everything I do. I'm quite the hopeless romantic and I love being in love! I adore big and small romantic gestures and I love domesticity sm!! My love languages are acts of service and quality time.

Thank you!

Navigation/ 200 follower celebration

Dean Winchester

I ship you with Dean winchester. Personally I believe his love languages are acts of service and quality time. For acts of service I genuinely think that he would figure out how to cook your favorite meal. He would ask Sam if he knew how to make it and if he did he would teach him. Or if you fell asleep in baby he would lay his jacket over you and then wake you up gently walking with you to your shared bedroom. He would always make sure you were okay. Dean isn't one to verbally always make sure someones okay but when he reaches for your hand or places his hand on your thigh or arm. Wherever you were comfortable, the minute you place your hand on top of his makes him know your okay.

For quality time its hard to find a quiet moment. They are always going after something but don't worry he makes time. Growing up Dean had to make time for him and Sam whenever he could. So he's gotten used to doing things like that. He would maybe not take you on a date at a restaurant but he would get fast food and the both of you would sit inside baby and look at the stars. Or if one of you were sick or just wanted time in the bunker, he would watch scooby doo with you. Or even those cheesy chick flicks he pretends to hate. Not only would he do that but he would also listen to you about your books and ask Sam what books to get you if you all passed a library or something.

Dean also shows love through playful banter. He is a man that loves to joke and you love to do it back to him. There will hardly ever be a trip where the both of you wont banter back and forth. Sam pretends to hate it but you can always see the small smirk on his face from the backseat. Or the front seat whichever the arrangement is that day.

Even if Dean isn't a huge book reader I believe he likes art. He likes to look at art and even drawings. Personally I think he can draw. Maybe not perfectly but there's some talent there. So he will listen when you talk about your books and your hobbies and maybe..just maybe he would show you some small drawings of his. But if you pay attention in his journals you can see small doodles he does on the corners of the pages.

Don't even get me started on music. That's the first thing that really attracted him to you. When he had heard the kind of music coming from your headphones he knew you were the one. He wouldn't ever tell you that because he would find it cheesy but he knows. The only reason you knew was because Sam told you.

Dean isn't always a easy man to be around. There will be arguments and disagreements but all in all. The both of you find your way to each other and Dean will always be the first to apologize. Which is not easy for him. At the end of the day the both of you love each other.

#river13245 #fluff #gn reader #dean winchester x reader #dean winchester #sam winchester x reader #sam winchester

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toast-is-ticklish · 2 years

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Hello! I was wondering if you could do a fic /w/ Ler! Wukong and Lee! Macaque? Maybe he kept having flashbacks to their past, and Wukong wants to cheer him up? If not, that's okay. Bye!

Okay I finally did it!!! I kinda went super heavy on the angst at the beginning bc my life has been a fucking dumpster fire recently but I'm seeing a therapist so none of you bitches can judge me lmao

Anyway yeah very angsty angst and then very fluffy fluffy lol.

Hope you enjoy!

We Can Be Okay.

___________________________________________

As Macaque scrounged around in the kitchen at what must have been an ungodly hour of the night, he decided that fixing broken relationships was really, really hard.

He also decided that nightmares suck.

Silently cursing himself for making hot chocolate being his only somewhat healthy coping mechanism, he couldnt help but wonder if moving in with Wukong was a bad idea. He thought he was ready. He knew Wukong wasnt going to hurt him anymore. He wasnt scared anymore.

Or at least he thought he wasn't.

He supposed, as he stirred the warm drink, he had placed himself in a place where he would constantly be reminded of his apparent traumatic past. How did Wukong return here, after he...did what he did?

Macaques eye tingled.

But he wanted to be here. He had finally gotten his sun, his peaches, his everything back and he couldnt stop fucking flinching at him.

He had been told over and over about how he shouldnt feel guilty, how it was a normal reaction to what he had been through, how he should be more kind to himself.

He felt pathetic. He was angry at himself and

he didnt feel like being particularly kind.

He threw his spoon into the sink with a little more force than necessary. When it loudly clanked, he considered throwing it out the window instead. Because fuck you, loud spoon.

He wanted to sleep so badly. He was exhausted to his very core and his bones felt so heavy. But he just couldnt.

Every time he closed his eyes he was back. In the fight. In his memories. The bad ones.

He was almost falling asleep standing up.

"Mm..Mango?" A sleepy grumble from the other side of the room.

Danger. Danger. Macaque felt like his nerves were screaming at him. He fumbled with his hot chocolate.

Crash.

And the mug was in pieces on the floor and he was covered in fucking hot chocolate.

Warm blood soaked through his shirt and covered his face. He couldnt move. His best friend was killing him. He was dying.

No! No. He was in the kitchen. He dropped hot chocolate.

He couldnt breathe.

He couldnt-

breathe. Rocks slippery with his blood. He was dying he was dying he was dying

"-aque? I need you to breathe for me, can you do that? Macaque?"

Wukong was here.

Wukong was here. The fucking awful glint of that crown bore into his mind like a hot iron. His everything buzzed with agony and white hot pain throttled his face. His eye. Oh gods his fucking eye.

Wukong hesitantly placed a hand on Macaques shoulder.

Panic.

"DON'T TOUCH ME!" He heard himself shout but it was so far away. Was it even his voice?

Macaque scrambled backwards on the floor. He couldnt remember getting on the floor.

"I wont." Wukong said, firmly placing himself in the floor with a fair share of space between the two.

"Don't" Macaque said, and it was a garbled whimper of a sound.

"I wont."

He could hear Wukong take a breath.

"Macaque, you're on the floor of our kitchen right now. You spilled some hot chocolate and I think you're having a panic attack."

Right. Hot chocolate. Kitchen. He could feel the coolness of the floor on his skin.

"Try to take deep, slow breaths. You can copy me if you want."

Macaque looked up. The glinting crown was gone. He looked at the ebb and flow of Wukongs chest and tried to copy it as best as he could, although his breath hitched a bit.

"Can you tell me five things you can see?"

Right. Grounding techniques. Wukong must've talked to Sandy.

"Uhm. You, th-the mug, cabinets, the sink, and the window.

The world around him started feeling a little more real.

"Awesome. Four things you can touch?"

"The floor, my shirt, my fur, and...the cabinet behind me.

His breathing was evening out.

"Good, now three things you can hear?"

"The cicadas, the fridge, and my voice."

"Two things you can smell?"

"Hot chocolate and...sweat."

Ew.

"One thing you can taste?"

"Blood." He must've bitten his tongue at some point. Hard.

But he felt here now. And calmer. Wukong exhaled somewhat shakily.

"Are you...with me? Now?" He must've been spooked. Macaque supposed anyone would be, finding their partner having flashbacks to dying because they dropped a cup.

Gods, he was a wreck.

"Yes. I'm... here now. I'm sorry."

"No! Dont be sorry! I was just...worried about you." Wukongs face looked solemn before flipping into a more positive expression. "I'm gonna grab you a change of clothes real quick I'll be right back!"

That man could not stay still for more than two seconds at a time. Macaque huffed out a laugh.

Wukong hurried back, and insisted on cleaning up while Macaque changed and showered, and soon they were sitting in the living room with the sun just about to start peeking out at them.

It was pretty clear neither of them were going back to sleep.

Macaque knew what he needed to do. He needed to talk. About what he was feeling.

Sandy better make him scones after this.

"We...need to talk." Okay so he was definitely going to give Wukong a heart attack with that phrasing. God damn it.

The other monkeys tail curled around his leg in anxiety. "I'm listening."

"Wukong I love you, so, so much. More than I've ever loved anything. Its honestly ridiculous how your dumb ass somehow managed to wrap me around your little finger." Macaque huffed out an embarrassed laugh, before hesitating.

"I trust you. I know you're not going to hurt me, not anymore. But I- I think I'm," he sucked in a breath through his teeth, "still...scared of you. And I dont know how to deal with it."

"Macaque..." Guilt was coming off Wukong in waves, and if you looked at his face the only thing you could glean if you tried was— '"I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry.'"

"I know. You're okay, peaches."

An intake of breath. "Okay." Wukong was fidgeting in his lap.

"Also, I dont know if I should keep living here. You know I love being with you. But theres too many—"

"Reminders?"

"Yes. I've been having nightmares. Every night."

"I'm sorry."

"I know. You're okay."

"Okay. I guess we'll just be having more sleepovers at your apartment then?" A weak lopsided smile greeted Macaque. He wanted to kiss it.

"Yes. Honestly I should've realized it was foolish to ever think I could escape you uprooting my entire living room for your insufferable pillow forts."

"Hey! My pillow forts are not insufferable! Unless you mean insufferably romantic?" Wukong said, waggling his eyebrows like the dork he is and his smile grew.

He was tired and Wukong was liquid sunshine. Gods, that smile. He really was hopeless.

Macaque grabbed his Sun Wukong, and flopped down on the couch with him, shoving his face into the crook of the others neck.

"See? You've gone soft, mango! Probably because you cant resist my pillow fort-y charms." Macaque could feel that sunny smile against his skin and it was so nice. He really had gone soft, he supposed.

"I must be completely hopeless to fall for someone as annoying as you." He said, and it couldn't be more obvious how little he meant it.

Wukongs hands brushed against his skin to adjust themselves against his back, and it made his skin prickle pleasantly.

Of course he was going to get one of those moods now because apparently the Buddha himself had a vendetta against Macaque maintaining any sense of dignity.

Macaque let out a heavy sigh. Communication time. Yippee.

Those scones better be damn good.

"...Wukong?"

"Yes?" Macaque couldnt see Wukongs face, but he could feel his smirk. Had his tone already given him away?

Uggggh. He really had to ask for this right now? Normally he would just annoy it out of Wukong but he was too tired for all that. He felt heat steadily rising to his cheeks.

"Can you do...the thing?"

"The thing."

"You know what I'm talking about!" Macaque lamented, trying not to squirm. "You're just trying to be an asshole."

"You love it." Macaque was not pouting. And if he were, he definitely wouldn't be doing it because Wukong was right. Definitely not.

He just let out some strangled whining sound into Wukongs shoulder.

"Use your words, darling." Wukong purred, and Macaque wanted to throw him off a roof because when he used those stupid pet names it still gave Macaque butterflies even after all these years.

"I already did, you bastard." Macaque said this through gritted teeth, but it was all for show. He wanted Wukong to make him say it, and he knew it, and Wukong knew it, and that flustered and excited him at the same time.

"Ah yes, and I still dont know what 'the thing' means. So it looks like we're a little stuck."

What a dick.

Macaque felt anticipation tingle in his stomach as his face prickled with heat.

"...Tickle me." Macaque mumbled into Wukongs shoulder.

"What was that?" Wukong crooned and his mouth was so close to Macaques neck that the vibrations actually almost tickled and it was agonizing and he loved it.

"I said! Tickle me, you impossible prick!" Macaque burst out, and he felt like his face was a fucking tomato.

"How could I say no to a sweet talker like you?"

Fingers wormed their way through Macaques shirt and began to flutter over his sides, gentle and lovely, because of course Wukong knew exactly what Macaque needed right now. No wonder he was head over heels for this dweeb.

Macaques stomach did a flip as he felt a dorky smile pull at the corners of his mouth. He knew his face was growing darker as he struggled to keep his giggles down, even though he also knew it was pretty useless.

"Are you hiding your giggles from me right now? I cant believe you!" Wukong fussed in mock offense, "I'm being deprived. Taken advantage of. Abused, even."

"Shuhuhut uhuhup!" Macaque tittered, muffled into Wukongs shoulder.

"Didnt quite catch that, hun."

Macaque lifted his head to retort, only to be met with a squeeze to his hips, allowing an impossibly embarrassing squeaky sound to leave his lips before he broke down into giggles.

"Mhmhm nohoho! Peaheachehes! Hahahah!"

"No? I thought I remembered you wanting tickles like, really bad, just a sec ago."

Wukong let his mouth rest on Macaques neck and the vibrations left Macaque feeling squirmy and fluffy and soft and he loved it.

As Macaque giggled his heart out, Wukong let his fingers wander up, under the others shirt, to lightly scritch at his ribs.

As squeaky hiccupy laughter filled the room, Wukong felt his heart melt.

"Ahahaha! Youhou- youhouhoure naihaihails ohohoh myhyhy gohohohd whyhyhyy!?"

"Why what? Why does it tickle so bad? Why are you so cute?"

Macaque thought he might just die now.

"Whyhyhyhy arhahahhareha youhouhouhou suhuhuhuch ahaha—HMmeEEK! " Macaque interrupted himself with something between a whimper and a squeal.

Wukong, the devious little fucker, was biting him. Nibbling on his neck and ears.

It felt like fireworks running through his skin. It tickled so bad. Not in the way that it made him laugh really loud, but in the way that apparently turned his brain to mush.

He loved it.

In between little bites Wukong murmured into Macaques ear "Its adorable how much you like this~"

All he got in response was a jumbled series of squeaks and some little kicks. Macaque shoved his face Wukongs shoulder because oh my god did he really just say that?

"You taste good, by the way. Very ticklish." He said, before returning to Macaques neck with ridiculous 'nom nom nom!' noises.

Macaque only had one thought in his head right now. "Ah! Ihihit tihihickles! Ahahaha!"

Wukong rumbled with laughter of his own and it sent vibrations through his neck that made Macaque wriggle around even more like some kind of giddy worm.

"Does it?"

"Yehehehees! Tihihihicklhehes!"

Wukong cooed and fluttered his fingers at Macaques sides before stopping for a second. "You're getting sleepy now, Mango. We gotta go back to bed soon.." he said with a yawn.

The moment Wukong stopped, Macaque felt his eyes start to droop and had to struggle not to yawn as well.

"Mnohot sleepy."

Wukong snorted. "You totally are. You're just also a little tickle addict." He said, giving a quick squeeze to the others hips for emphasis.

Macaque squeaked in suprise before giggling out a "Nohoh!" He left it painfully undisclosed whether he was saying no to being called a tickle addict, or the loss of tickles.

"Fine. A little more, then bed okay? You need to rest."

Macaque wanted to tell Wukong that there was no way he was accepting self care advice from the person who drank the entire supply of godly wine because he wanted to.

But he was tired.

So instead he said, "M'kay."

"I'll probably have to tickle your stubborn ass out of bed tomorrow morning anyways," Wukong said and suddenly there were hands at Macaques sides again and a big intake of breath.

As Wukong tickled the shit out of Macaques ribs, he blew the biggest raspberry right behind his ear.

Macaque squealed before going limp with laughter. "AHAHAHA! MMMAHAHAHA AHAHA FUHUHCK!"

Tickles shot through his whole body like lightning.

He legitimately thought that he was being sent to his grave with tickles.

And then Wukong did it again and again and again.

"AHAHAHAH OOHOKAHAY IHIHIHI CAHAHNT! IHIHILL SLEEHEHEP WHAHAHATEVEHERR!"

Wukong stopped and ran a hand through Macaques hair.

"You happy now, tickle bug?"

Macaque just nodded sleepily.

"Okay, c'mon, we gotta—ohhhkay." Macaque was snuggling into him now, clearly making himself comfortable.

How could he say no to this? He supposed his lifelong prospects of being a pillow weren't that bad.

Wukong looked down at his now asleep Macaque, and let himself relish the soft sleepy smile, and lazily wagging tail, knowing he had caused those things.

Yeah. Sleeping on the couch definitely wasnt that bad.

#tickle #tickle fic #tickle community #lego monkie kid #monkey king #monkie king #legomonkiekid tickle #lee! macaque #ler! sun wukong #fluff #angst

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pseudophan · 1 year

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if you don’t mind me asking, do you feel like therapy works for you at least in some capacity? to the point where a longer break makes you “lose it” or whatever? I go to therapy myself but I sometimes feel like I’m only telling the therapist what they want to hear when speaking about my “progress” or whatever because I’m such a gd people pleaser. I just don’t want my therapist to feel bad about her methods constantly failing with me lmao. I’m realizing now that that’s probably a big mistake 😬 yeah… anyway I’ll stop camping out in your asks now, have a good day yeah?

me and u are like this 💏

but yeah no so basically they shoved me into group therapy which honestly sucks balls but the initial educational part was pretty good. but its like, they wont offer me anything else so all ive got is a group i go to (well, when its available..) once a week where somehow everyone gets mad at me specifically ? its so weird cause hand on my heart i am not even being a dick but somehow everyone's bpd gets activated by me alone just cause i have troubles collecting my thoughts so i ramble a lot. hate it there a lot ngl but im just not getting anything else and all the private psychs and therapists are booked until the end of time so im just like ,, alright

i get u though like im not a people pleaser really but i am a Me Pleased and im pleased when i dont have to drag things out so its so much easier to just go along with shit sometimes idk

#answered

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bunnychargebolt · 6 months

Text

I don’t see my sa therapist for another couple weeks and Im having a time tonight so you guys get me ranting here again (everyone should actually feel free to ignore this completely. Its just helpful writing shit out)

Cw/Tw for detailed mentions of Sexual Assault

I don’t remember many times that I knew I actually wanted to do sexual things with my ex. And even less than that is the times they actually asked me if what they were doing was ok. I think that happened maybe twice. We were together for a year and a half. Sexual shit started happening around five months into the relationship. Which means in the span of over a year I remember them asking for consent like twice.

When stuff first started happening I remember being anxious. We would make out in the back seat of the car and they started rubbing me over my pants. I wasn’t ready for it. I was insecure.

Throughout my entire life my consent has been overlooked. Sexually speaking that started happening when I was about 14. My first in person sexual experience was at 16. With a guy who was 26. I wasn’t old enough to legally consent.

That didnt matter.

I learned from a young age that saying no wasnt really an option. Especially if my opinion wasnt asked for.

I talked to them about all of this. Before we even got together.

That didn’t matter.

I dont know if I ever truly wanted to do any of the stuff I did with my ex. And I had tried talking to them about it.

For at least the last six months of our relationship- every time we had sex (which was roughly about once a week) wed have to stop because Id have one of two breakdowns. The first one being that I didnt know if I actually wanted this or if Im making myself because I think im supposed to. The second one being that I feel like im not allowed to say no.

That didnt matter.

When we had to stop because my joints were out of place and I was in so much pain that I was about to start sobbing they simply suggested we try another position. I didn’t want to let them down so I attempted. I couldn’t do it. I was so insecure and anxious about what they wanted that I was on the verge of having a panic attack.

That didn’t matter.

I remember coming over to their house once. They dragged me into their room and pushed me onto their bed. They said “this is going to happen one way or another so we might as well get it over with”.

I remember having a conversation with them, telling them that I dont want to have sex with them every time I come over. Their response was “It’s hard not to have sex with you. We only see each other once a week”

I remember wanting to take a nap with them. They got on top of me and started kissing me. I tried to pretend I was still asleep. But because i had very briefly mentioned somnophilia to them before they wouldnt stop. Wed never had an actual discussion about it. I never consented to that.

I remember them being on top of le while we were making out and me stopping and saying “i dont know if I want this”. They continued anyways.

I remember having a conversation with them about how they trample over me saying no when I dont want to talk about something. They responded by saying theres a general rule they follow for themself. “Id rather do something and be told it was wrong afterwards than ask for permission first”

I remember not being able to do things for them like give them a blow job or a hand job because I wasmt physically up to it. Between my joints and my acid reflux I couldnt do it. They would get upset. They would bring up how they would do stuff to me but I wont do stuff to them.

I didn’t want what they were doing to me. It was physically damaging for me to do stuff for them.

None of that ever mattered.

I didn’t matter.

I was a chore to get done so they could have something to dangle over my head to obligate me to do stuff for them.

I remember them pressuring me into shower sex. I didn’t want to do it. Some of their family was home. I cant stand in showers for that long. I had to sit down. They still had me give them a blow job.

I remember being in my shower with them. Literally crying. Saying I dont want to be touched. And them still continuing to bite my ear which is something they only ever do sexually.

I remember trying to physically pull away from them so many times.

I remember wanting to be loved.

I remember wanting to feel pretty.

I remember feeling like I had to have sex with them.

I remember everything and nothing at the same time.

I remember allowing all of my boundaries to be trampled over while doing everything I could, to the point of putting my physical well being on the line, to make them feel comfortable.

I remember never getting complimented.

I remember not being like anyone else they showed interest in.

I can still feel them on me.

I can still hear them in my ear.

I can feel them in my home.

My safe places are completely gone.

I remember realizing all of this after breaking up with them.

I remember the fear when I found out someone told them what I shared.

I remember shaking while filing a police report.

I still feel the fear of what theyd do if they found out. What theyll do if I ever run into them.

I still feel unsafe driving near where they live.

I still feel them on me.

I’ve considered trying to scratch my skin off. Maybe then that feeling would go away. But I know that won’t help.

I was uncomfortable. I was in pain. I was crying. I was trying to get away.

I never actually said no though.

“I don’t understand anything other than a firm no” they said close to our break up.

I never said no.

I never pushed them away.

I never really fought back.

But anyone else would have seen me. Desperately wanting to get away. Face contorted in pain. Unable to walk. Unable to dress myself. Clearly uncomfortable. Hearing my hesitance.

No one would have heard me say yes. Because I never did. They never asked.

I remember reading about how your skin is different every 7 years because of the cells you shed. Im not waiting 7 years to get rid of them.

I started getting help. Im going to continue getting help. Im never going to stop speaking up. Sexually assaulting me is just one of many horrible things they did. Yes this fucked me up. But this is on the bottom of my priority list when I tell people what they did.

Im not the only ex to say they assaulted me. And I don’t think I’ll be the last. But I know that ex wont be from the people Im close to. Because they listened when I talked. They told me how bad things were. They watched me break during the relationship. And they helped put me back together when I needed it most.

And now after all that, i find solace in the littlest of things. Yes they assaulted me, but I faked my orgasms. Yes they cheated on me, but they never actually got any bitches.

Its important to find those things. Im going to continue finding more.

Im really happy that after that relationship I get to be me again, even if I have a couple new cracks.

#tw vent #tw sa #tw abuse #sa recovery #here are mh silly little thoughts #idek if this all makes sense #brain just kept saying words #theyre all there now #this also isnt all of the stuff they did in this category😭#theres #so much #sobs

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campirebites · 1 year

Text

more medical garbage bitching dont mind me (feel free to blacklist camyellsOW to ignore these)

im liking being able to look back on these before other appointments

im currently on hold with my insurance because my rheumatologist listened to me and he wrote me a prescription for ring splints and I called around to physical therapy offices and found one that has hand therapy and can take my and my appointment is in less than 3 weeks which for PT in my area and PT as specific as this thats AMAZING holy shit. Its actually closer to two weeks than 3 but I feel like im doxxing myself if i say specifics lmao

so im calling my insurance company to see if they can tell me ahead of time if there are a fuckload of hoops im going to have to jump through in order to get my splints

for the first time ever I feel kind of hopeful about my joint health. Were doing a lyme disease blood panel to see if thats the source of my nausea, dizziness, fatigue, and headaches. He ordered a couple more things Im going to google

I told him that I know we need to do physical therapy first but eventually id love to talk to him about a wheelchair and he said no and I started crying again and he was like I think thats a bad idea let me tell you why and I was like NO thats internalized ableism and thats a YOU problem! Wheelchairs are mobility they are FREEDOM. I cannot currently lift enough laundry at once to fill the washer without subluxing my shoulder/collarbone so I have to take multiple trips and frequently have to sit down between trips but with a wheelchair Id have the freedom and capability to just do a load of laundry. I already cook having to sit down. You can have an amazing wonderful fulfillling life in wheelchair that you cant have when youre in bed every day because everything hurts so much. You can tell me not right now or maybe in the future but just a no is the most hopeless answer you can give me. That is a YOU problem.

and he like did a little head tilt like a dog and was like. You know what? Youre right. Thats something I need to reevaluate in my own head. So, youre right I wont tell you know, but Ill tell you first we need to try physical therapy

that fucking honesty is why I love him so much. He was like "you need a therapist" and i was like dude if you tell me that one more time im going to start crying again I KNOW

and I apologized and thanked him for dealing with my anger because i just angry cried at him basically the entire appointment and he just said Its okay, I know Im not who youre mad at. I wont take it personally and holy shit that was just the biggest load off of my back and I was like no youre right im literally just mad at my body. At one point he said "you know im empathetic, I bet it does hurt that bad." Like holy shit Dr G you are a king amongst doctors. He had knee surgery recently and I used it against him and he didnt even get mad. In my angry crying I was like you just had knee surgery. Sitting in bed wallowing in pain all day. It fucking sucks doesnt it? Imagine twenty five fucking YEARS of that! and he just nodded and digested that and was like yeah, I hear you.

This man is the best doctor in the world

at the very least im on my way to my ring splints which will help my quality of life SO fucking much holy shit

I also told him about the highly unprofessional cardiologist i saw who just told me I was fat and showed me his grandsons fortnite youtube channel and he was like wow literally what? and I was like I dont know man. And then he talked shit about cardiologists and how they tend to be fuckin weirdos with egos and i was like yo go off my shady king

but on the bright side in less than a week were placing that heart monitor and it will be recording for two weeks and hopefully after that i can obtain my POTS diagnosis and hopefully thatll put me one step closer to being an ambulatory wheelchair user. Id love to still be upright and use my cane when I can but a wheelchair for bad days would be lifechanging

my oldest childhood friend is able bodied the idea of being able to just get a coffee and walk around target with her pain free makes me want to cry THAT is a hopeful future

#camyellsOW #i keep almost doxxing his name cuz im like dr g my beloved #and i say that out loud cuz his name is fun #anyway that man is wonderful #im still upset and reeling from my appointment at this point reliving my pain telling it to people over and over and fielding their #responses as an autistic person is like boarderline retraumatizing #but i feel hopeful for once #PT here i come!! :)

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tonberry-yoda · 1 year

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Hi! I saw that you were doing match ups, so I couldn't help myself! ^^

I wanted to ask you for a platonic match up for the Hazbin Hotel fandom :) (Maybe a character that would look up at me as a mother figure or smth like that) I'm a 23-year-old cis-girl that goes with she/her pronuns. I'm biromantic and asexual ^^ I'm a (I think xd) very cheerful person that lives for making other's laugh, I can be serious when needed though, I tend to give up my happiness to make others happy until I can't no more and vent to my reflection in the mirror with the objective of not making anyone aware of my problems, I don't like the feeling of relaying on someone that could stab my back if they wanted. I am a very patient person and I like to make sure that everyone is comfortable in the environment we are in. I can cook variated (and good) meals but I kinda preffer baking pastries or sweets to give to others.

My main love language is gift giving. I usually give gifts like handmade sweets or cookies, drawings of the person/character in question, and even little things that I think the person/character in question would like.

I've been told that I'm a pretty comfortable person to vent and I'm the "terapist friend" of my group.

I'm a very physical person that likes hugging very much but I'm also very respectful so If a person doesn't like hugs, I'll respect that.

I would also be very grateful if you add a mini fic to the match up, you can use wichever idea you like, surprise me! ^^

hi there!!!! i have the perfect character for you!!! and i just cant wait, so here we go!

the character I chose for you is...

ANGEL DUST!!!

my personal favorite character in hazbin if im being honest

and now your best platonic buddy

i think that he would appreciate how cheery and kind you are because it's a real change of pace due to what he has to deal with everyday, so having you bring a smile makes him very thankful

he will ask you how you're feeling though and he wont stop bothering you until you tell him

you're dealing with a very emotional man who is very willing to talk to you since you're so close, so having you be a patient person is perfect for him, he literally just needs that

but do know that he is a very happy guy most of the time, so expect a lot of fun activities like painting your nails together or gossiping lol

if you make him sweets he will cry and then proceed to eat ALL of them

he will be very sure to give you a deserved break because being the therapist or mom friend can really be a burden sometimes, so he wants to be there for you as much as possible

partners in crime moment who are always there for each other

he will 100% get you to be friends with Cherri

and then all 3 of you are unstoppable

please give him hugs, especially when he needs them most

after spending some time with valentino though, he will definitely need that space, and having you respect that makes him love you so much more as a friend because that's all he really needs

but when he's ready, he will curl up in your arms

he just loves that you are there for him <33333

and per your request, lovely, here is your mini fic :)

MINI FIC

"Angel!!" You chimed, running up the stairs to his hotel room, trying not to drop the platters of pastries you had in your hands. "Angel Dust!" You knocked on the door with the tip of your shoe and instead of Angel, Nifty opened the door with a bright smile on her face.

"Hi, y/n!! What's up?"

"Is Angel in here?" You asked, but immediately got answered by Angel's smiling face from across the room.

"Hey pumpkin'!" He stood up and walked over to you, drying off his nails that were just recently painted a bright pink. "Whatcha got there?"

You handed him a pastry and he beamed at you. "y/n, you didn't have to!!!"

"Of course I did," you giggled and walked into the room, sitting on his bed. "You know how much I love baking for you."

"You're the best!" Angel pulled you into his arms, smelling like perfume and sweets. "I was having a bit of a rough day and asked for Nifty to give me some company, so to see you here too makes it a way better day."

He pulled away from the hug, giving you a soft smile and you sat down, lying the pastries next to you. "Rough day, you say?" You picked up some nail polish and began painting your own nails. "Tell me about it and we'll go ahead and have a sleepover tonight."

~~~~~

matchup rules --- pinned post

@tonberry-yoda

#thanks for the request!!!#writing #fanfic #my writing #fanfiction #<3 #hazbin hotel #hazbin #angel dust #hazbin hotel angel dust #matchup #matchups #platonic matchups

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blubushie · 1 year

Note

Good evening (or time of day/night), Monsieur Blu,

I was going to suggest a dictation machine for the handwriting-sucks thing (very very relatable, might I add. Fuck writing by hand, I might actually have to look into dyspraxia now. Never thought to look into it despite my autism), but promptly remembered just who I'm suggesting this to. So dictation machine is a bust, but your typewriting idea could definitely work.

I document bits of my life as well. Not that I live a particularly important life, which I am fine with. But between the loose screws and memory problems because of adhd and autism, typing things out has helped me keep track of myself so much better.

It's a form of self care for me, in a way. I get to write things out, in full detail, completely honestly. I write things the way they are, instead of how I'd recount the events to say, a therapist. Or my mother. No matter who I'm talking to, they never get the full picture. I'd say my mother gets the most detail out of everyone I talk to, but there are some things I don't share with even her. That I don't share with anyone, that I've never even said out loud. And that's ok.

But sometimes I forget the whole picture myself, because I'm always rehearsing (autism thing) which stories I'm going to tell to who, and I lose track of the details I choose to leave out for everyone. So I can truly fully process things once I've got it down.

I typically have to be in the correct mindset to write, as to me, it is still an art form, and that takes up a lot of energy, of which I do not have much. I don't write things every day, I'd probably burn myself out if I did. Every once in a while, I'll take a long ass bath and write until I become a shriveled prune. Maybe have a drink and dim the lights. It's great. It's peak vulnerability, to me. I am naked, comfortable in a warm bath, nobody will ever disturb me, because who the hell would walk in on someone taking a bath. It's rare to truly be able to be alone with my thoughts, constantly living with others, in a town.

I cherish self reflection. Understanding myself and how I view the world is my most reliable way of navigating my surroundings and, well, myself. I am easily overwhelmed. Simply existing is difficult for me. I like knowing what's rockin around in my noggin. It helps.

I am also into the whole wishy washy pretentious philosophical stuff, and it's always nice to indulge in some pondering. Even if it's abstract and not something I'd ever experience face to face, it's a great tool of self expression.

I do keep a lot of my ramblings in a secure place, for I am... pretty sure I could get incarcerated or sent back to psych ward if some of it ever got in the hands of other people. So yeah, definitely keep these things somewhere where people wont just stumble into it.

All of this to say: If you ever find the time to get that typewriter and to get ink and paper and perhaps a dossier for the papers, I'd say, go for it. It's worth trying out, and you might come to like it. And even if you don't particularly feel overjoyed and ecstatic to write down how you've had to extract handfulls of burrs from Misty's coat, it's still something to do. And maybe in the future, you'll read back on some of the things you've written, and you'll enjoy it. Feel pride in your way of living.

But between the loose screws and memory problems because of adhd and autism, typing things out has helped me keep track of myself so much better.

This. I must have five or ten post-it notes in Matilda at all times. I leave them everywhere. "Buy salt" hanging above the sink, "dunny roll" on the bathroom sink, "Check doovalacky" on the dash. I have no idea what doovalacky I was supposed to check.

I do keep a lot of my ramblings in a secure place, for I am... pretty sure I could get incarcerated or sent back to psych ward if some of it ever got in the hands of other people.

Fucking mood.

And even if you don't particularly feel overjoyed and ecstatic to write down how you've had to extract handfulls of burrs from Misty's coat, it's still something to do.

They're usually bindis (which are 50x worse) but it's definitely something to do, and my worst enemy is boredom.

#blu whos

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thingstotellthem · 1 year

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this is very long. sorry.

i don't even know where to start, honestly. i hate you so so much. i'm sorry i fucked up. i want you to die. i hope you live a happy and peaceful life. i know i did bad things to you, which i didn't realise at the time. and i'm genuinly sorry for that. i just really wish you'd get that you were constantly hurting me, too. you were so emotionally abusive. i wrote poems about it. about you. countless poems. it's hard to put into words, but poems allow me to become incoherent and metaphorical, and that helps. so. here's some of them. (a title, if a poem has one, is in italics.)

theres so many things i wanna say to you

but at the same time

do you actually deserve knowing?

i hope you love yourself as much as i hate you

i hate you i hate you i hateyou ihateyoui hateyouihateyouiateuaeu

every time i feel bad, my brain screams.

STOP FEELING BAD OR I WILL KILL MYSELF

STOP BEING SAD OR I WILL DIE

STOP BEING SO PESSIMISTIC OR I WILL KILL ME ON YOUR BEHALF

JUST STAY POSITIVE OR IT WILL BE YOUR FAULT

STOP WORRYING ME OR YOU WILL BE GUILTY

STOP OR IM DEAD

STOP

STOP STOP

STOP OR IM DEAD AND ITS YOUR FAULT YOUR FAULT YOUR FAULT

and it haunts me. its been haunting me all the time. i was shaking and crying and i thought id get a text telling me youre dead the next day.

MAKE IT STOP MAKE IT STOP PLEASE MAKE THE ANXIETY STOP IT HURTS HURTS HURTS IM SO SCARED SO SCARED SO AFRAID SCARED AFRAID HURT CRYING SCREAMING BAD BAD BAD

sometimes i wish you were dead so i know that you wont die.

am i a victim? are you? was this all real? did you even hurt me? is this reality or am i gaslighting myself? are you to blame?

yes, i fucked up and im sorry. but its not my fault that im like this. its yours. yours alone. YOURS ITS ALL YOURS. I DIDNT CHOOSE TO BE YOUR HAPPY SOURCE. I DIDNT CONSENT TO BE YOUR HAPPY SOURCE. I NEVER EVER WANTED TO BE YOUR HAPPY SOURCE YOU CANT JUST CHOOSE ME AND IGNORE ALL THE OTHER HAPPY SOURCES WHY DID YOU DO THAT TO ME IT HURTS IT HURTS ITS TOO MUCH HOW DID YOU EXPECT ME TO BE YOUR HAPPY SOURCE WHEN I CANT EVEN BE MY OWN

am i truly a victim? are my feelings valid? are they real? are they the one to blame? are my memories real? is anything at all real? am i real? is reality real? what is real? what is valid? what is justified and what is not? are my feelings? are theirs?

sometimes i wonder why you never comforted me when i had to comfort you all the time. were you too hurt to be a therapist for two people? i was, and i still comforted you.

Sometimes I wonder;

And what is, that you thought of me?

What is, that you think now?

yk, sometimes.. sometimes i want to forgive. i want to hug you, hold you close to me, tell you it’s okay. that i forgive you. sometimes i want tender moments between us, i want to kiss you softly and forget all the bad we did to eachother. sometimes i really want to. but in the end, all the pain you brought me holds me back, and all i can do is hate you.

You asked me why I didn’t like mashed potatoes, and I threw up the sand you forced me eat. You asked me why I never initiated to hang out, and I cut my head open, spilling all the maggots eating away at my brain back into your hands. You asked me why I always was sad, and I slashed my wrists, staring at the blood sweeping out, and you asked me why I was dying when there were flowers in my bones.

I keep thinking about what we were.

Why can’t I write it into poetry?

Why are you wasting the space in my brain?

Why did you never understand me in the way I understood you?

Do you ever think about me?

Do you ever think about what you’ve done?

mirror, mirror, on the wall

how broken you must’ve been

to hurt me with the same words

they’ve hurt you

dirty love

our love was waiting until somebody made a move

it was silence and anxiety

it was guilt, so much guilt and embarassment

it was only loving because we couldn’t love ourselves, because we couldn’t love anyone else in the world

it was bottling up feelings and never talking

it was hurt, oh, so hurt and pained

it was holding hands even though we both hated physical contact, but it was all we had

it was sitting beside eachother, wanting to cuddle and still never doing so

it was quiet lunch at yours and loud dinner at mine

it was waiting until somebody made a move

it was until i did

until i broke up our dirty love

because i realised i couldn’t love someone who i don’t love

not even if i pretend

not even if i want to

and that’s what made our love so dirty

it wasn’t ours

it was yours

Sorry

I’m sorry.

It was all my fault.

I stopped believing in the stars

After you told me you did

Because I couldn’t be you—

Then they fell down and killed us.

Please don’t ever forgive me.

Don’t forget me.

Forget what you felt,

But not what I did.

Please take it all with you

And make sure nobody ever hurts you again.

Love fades into hate so quickly

Do you hurt when you think of me?

Do you regret?

Do you hate me?

Do you cry?

Do you feel miserable?

Do you want to die?

Because that’s how I feel about you,

And when I think of what I’ve done,

I desperately hope it’s the same for you.

that's not even all of them yet, just my favorites, the ones i might actually publish one day. i could fill a thousand books with a thousand pages each, all for you, and it still wouldn't be enough. i can't even properly write down my feelings. i hate you, but i still care about you, and i'm convinced that only one of us should walk this earth at the same time. i hope it can be me. still, deep down in my heart, the affection i once had for you hopes it's you. i don't know myself anymore. it's destroying me. you're destroying me. i hope to fucking god that you just die already. i think. i'm not sure. you're still making me question reality. i hate that we share the same friends, and if i told them about your abuse, i'd have to tell them about the toxic things i did, and they'd have to choose between us and live with that knowledge for the rest of their lives. so you've rendered me unable to do anything. i want to fucking scream. whenever i think of you, i get so angry. so angry with myself, with you, with us, with what we were, and weren't, and wanted to be. i know most of your abuse wasn't intentional, but it still left me traumatized. i haven't forgiven you, and i never will. and i'm so mad at myself, at you, because i really fucking wish you could live with that knowledge forever but my trauma is still so bad that i feel the need to throw up from the guilt of making you kill yourself when only thinking about telling you anything of what i feel.

#actuallyabused #actuallytraumatized #emotional abuse #suicide tw #self harm tw #vomit mention tw #unsanitary tw #anon #♥♥

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b4byb4ts · 2 years

Text

ive been gone for SO so long but i think i want to start using this acc as like a but of a diary type thing--

so.. last time i was here i was super deep in my ed and going through a LOT of shit.. since then i accidentally recovered from my ed, not as much mentally but i have gained,,all of the weight i lost back,, i eat pretty "normal" but i still feel incredibly guilty and feel like the "i never want to eat again" type feelings..

i lost one of my closest friends bc of my ed, and though it has completely destroyed me,, honestly it was probably for the best, its part of why i recovered. he told me he didnt think i would ever recover after he tried to force me to and i said i didnt want to, but after that we stopped talking (his choice not mine) and i at first took it as a "okay well im going to get as sick as i possibly can" but then realized that was what he wanted so i instead forced myself to recover fully out of spite as a big "fuck you" to him.. and i even tried to tell him thinking fkr some reason he would care. he didnt. i got a thumbs up and a good luck along with the most like.. "youre a waste of space" type of look ive ever gotten. and it COMPLETELY destroyed me.

moving on... i got a new job at a v popular coffee shop in my town and its absolutely amazing, everyone i work with is absolutely lovely and i just love it so so much.

I also got back with my boyfriend and ive never been happier in a relationship, im absolutely sure that he is "the one" like i trust him more than my own mother and im more comfortable around him than anyone ive ever been with before everything is just so so lovely.

not that everything has been perfect like it sounds though,,, im still not mentally recovered, again, better than before, but still not great,, i constantly crave my ed like i want to relapse so bad i just,, cant for some reason,,?

more on,, health,, mental AND physical,,, i got diagnosed with pretty much a chronic illness, i still dont know the cause for it,, like i have treatment for the symptoms but no clue what the cause is. i got diagnosed with adhd during my ed but that is,, obviously still there,, i just very recently got told by my therapist that she thinks i may be autistic,,, i looked into it and it seems VERY possible which is,, a lot to think about because i have no clue how to tell my parents or if ill even be able to get diagnosed,, plus ive got a TON of shit with my family going on,,, my dad lives in a different state but there's a LOT going on with him which stresses me out,,a lot.

OH one last thing -- i learned to crochet!!! i learned with,,, disordered intentions (i thought if i learn to crochet i will be using my hands more so it will be easier to not eat) but i love it SO SO much, I'll probably be posting a lot abt crochet now because its like,, all i do lmaoo

anyway, thats all ive got for now i think -- hopefully i wont just disappeared again (even though nobody actually reads this-) but if you are reading, thank u so much for actually caring enough to read all of my rambles <3

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melissawebb-avocado · 5 months

Text

1: Name

Milinda

2: Age

3: 3 Fears

Losing everyone, being alone, people seeing me for how i see my self

4: 3 things I love

My daughter, my husband, my sister

5: 4 turns on

Fatherly, back rubs, asking about my day, takes charge

6: 4 turns off

Dosent listen, trys to take without asking, yelling, procrastinating

7: My best friend

Brianna my sister

8: Sexual orientation

Straight

9: My best first date

Went to make pottery and then to dinner and an arcade

10: How tall am I

5"9

11: What do I miss

My home in chandler

12: What time were I born

2 pm

13: Favorite color

Teal

14: Do I have a crush

My husband

15: Favorite quote

"Most of us are gifted with the

ability to see the monsters hidden

within another, but are unable

to see past them.

It takes a special kind of person

to see the light inside of every

living being."

- Lynette Simeone

16: Favorite place

Oceanside beach

17: Favorite food

Sushi

18: Do I use sarcasm

Yes but only with those im close with

19: What am I listening to right now

Always AJR but the trolls 3 music

20: First thing I notice in new person

How they mingle with new people or stick with the person they know ignoring new people

21: Shoe size

22: Eye color

Hazel

23: Hair color

Brown, waiting to dye mt hair a copper red brown

24: Favorite style of clothing

Graphic t and baggy jeans

25: Ever done a prank call?

Yes.

27: Meaning behind my URL

Its my first ever book i wrote in middle school

28: Favorite movie

Howls moving castle

29: Favorite song

AJR object in motion

30: Favorite band

AJR

31: How I feel right now

Depressed

32: Someone I love

My daughter

33: My current relationship status

Married 💍

34: My relationship with my parents

BFF with my MIL and FIL call them every other day. Talk to my mom whenever i can. Forgave my dad but wont ever forget.

35: Favorite holiday

The days before Christmas

36: Tattoos and piercing i have

C section scar

37: Tattoos and piercing i want

None

38: The reason I joined Tumblr

To find more fans aboit the series i loved

39: Do I and my last ex hate each other?

I dont talk to any of them.

40: Do I ever get "good morning" or "good night" texts?

No because we say it to each other when we go to bed together

41: Have I ever kissed the last person you texted?

My husband?

42: When did I last hold hands?

Last night

43: How long does it take me to get ready in the morning?

Im a stay at home mom so i wake up and thats it.

44: Have I shaved your legs in the past three days?

Yesterday

45: Where am I right now?

Siting on the couch watching my daughter play

46: If I were drunk & can't stand, who's taking care of me?

My husband but my sister is taking me to him.

47: Do I like my music loud or at a reasonable level?

LOUD

48: Do I live with my Mom and Dad?

i live with my husband now

49. Am excited for anything?

To get pregnant with my 2nd kid in summer!

50: Do I have someone of the opposite sex I can tell everything to?

My husband

51: How often do I wear a fake smile?

Not as much anymore. I used to be very good at hiding my emotions no one knew but after years of therapy my face is easy to read.

52: When was the last time I hugged someone?

Last night

53: What if the last person I kissed was kissing someone else right in front of me?

I hope it would be my daughter. But i would probably cry since i dont feel pretty anymore since ive gained weight after birth.

54: Is there anyone I trust even though I should not?

Nope. All the people i used to trust that were toxic i dont talk to or give them anything from me anymore.

55: What is something I disliked about today?

My husband is working and theres no wifi

56: If I could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?

My old therapist.

57: What do I think about most?

The future, where im not stressed about bills, healthcare, or living somewhere i dont. Planing my future home.

58: What's my strangest talent?

Imagination

59: Do I have any strange phobias?

Speaking in public

60: Do I prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?

Behind!!!!

61: What was the last lie I told?

Im fine

62: Do I prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online?

Phone

63: Do I believe in ghosts? How about aliens?

Ghosts are real. I beilve there is other life in the universe but they look like you and me. Not movie aliens.

64: Do I believe in magic?

65: Do I believe in luck?

Yes. Sometimes you just wake up with a good start and it keeps pulling you forward.

66: What's the weather like right now

It snowed yesterday

67: What was the last book I've read?

The last olympian percy jackson

68: Do I like the smell of gasoline?

69: Do I have any nicknames?

Mina

70: What was the worst injury I've ever had?

Tore my esophagus from throwing up so much for months

71: Do I spend money or save it?

Spend on temu

72: Can I touch my nose with a tongue?

73: Is there anything pink in 10 feet from me?

My daughters strawberry baby blanket

74: Favorite animal?

Axolotal

75: What was I doing last night at 12 AM?

Watching tik tok

76: What do I think is Satan's last name is?

Hellboy

77: What's a song that always makes me happy when I hear it?

Trolls 3 better place

78: How can you win my heart?

Random acts of kindness

79: What would I want to be written on my tombstone?

The hardest thing she did was survive and she lived through it all.

80: What is my favorite word?

Cascade

81: My top 5 blogs on tumblr

Basbardbin, moringmark, buggachat,

82: If the whole world were listening to me right now, what would I say?

Just a reminder that by the time your child is 18, they will already have spent 93% of the time they will spend with you in their lifetime. So go on that adventure, because you can always get your money back, but you'll never get those years back.

83: Do I have any relatives in jail?

84: I accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what's even cooler is that they endow me with the super-power of my choice! What is that power?

Read peoples minds

85: What would be a question I'd be hesitate to tell the truth on?

86: What is my current desktop picture?

Me and my daughter in the sand at the beach

87: Had sex?

Uh yeah.

88: Bought condoms?

Nope

89: Gotten pregnant?

Yep

90: Failed a class?

Nope

91: Kissed a boy?

Yepppp

92: Kissed a girl?

Nope

93: Have I ever kissed somebody in the rain?

Yep, my husband

94: Had job?

Yep. 5 jobs

95: Left the house without my wallet?

Yeah util i atached my keys and my wallet together

96: Bullied someone on the internet?

97: Had sex in public?

In a car parked on the side of the street.

98: Played on a sports team?

Soccer, volleyball, swimteam, softball

99: Smoked weed?

100: Did drugs?

101: Smoked cigarettes?

102: Drank alcohol?

103: Am I a vegetarian/vegan?

104: Been overweight?

Still am.

105: Been underweight?

106: Been to a wedding?

Yes, mine and my best friends and SIL

107: Been on the computer for 5 hours straight?

Yep

108: Watched TV for 5 hours straight?

Yep, just watched avatar 1 and 2

109: Been outside my home country?

Mexico.

110: Gotten my heart broken?

Yep

111: Been to a professional sports game?

collage games?

112: Broken a bone?

Broke my radias of my wrist riding my bike

113: Cut myself?

Tried to. Kept to scratching.

114: Been to prom?

115: Been in airplane?

Yes. Terrified

116: Fly by helicopter?

117: What concerts have I been to?

None

118: Had a crush on someone of the same sex?

119: Learned another language?

120: Wore make up?

Try to at least.

121: Lost my virginity before I was 18?

Nope

122: Had oral sex?

Yes

123: Dyed my hair?

Not yet

124: Voted in a presidential election?

125: Rode in an ambulance?

126: Had a surgery?

Yes, c section

127: Met someone famous?

President uchdorf

128: Stalked someone on a social network?

My exs and their girlfriends

129: Peed outside?

Yep, road trips

130: Been fishing?

Yep with my dad. Hoping to have a better experience one day

131: Helped with charity?

In high school and middle school. Worked for toys for tots.

132: Been rejected by a crush?

Yeah. High school asked a boy out to go bowling.

133: Broken a mirror?

134: What do I want for birthday?

Dnd table or 3d printer.

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ibolyafagyi · 8 months

Text

social pressures eating my ass up.......... i freak out about making new irl contacts online, as in adding someone i met in real life ; and im also insecure trying to measure up with my few instagram numbers on my private account. because my numbers are low, its like im elevating the ppl that i do have contact with, like those 20 ppl are my bffs, which is not at all true. its a couple past dating app matches, a really few legit friends, a few of their friends, loose university contacts.

i want everyone to see me quietly, unknowingly, and know that im interesting.

i dont want to make new contacts.

i dont want to be "someone who cares about this".

so many ppl from my major have hundreds of followers, insta baddies, strangely preoccupied with a niche aesthetic, that at the end still feels alien to me. i wanna be like that, but also i havent been collecting contacts since years ago, and i feel like i still dont do it "right" currently, i dont wanna add new contacts... i dont want to look at and care for other people, i want people to care for me, reinforce me!

i feel like i need a token friend in my learnt language (my major). it feels, seems easy for others to do, n i feel like im late again, just like in all my teens about making friends and making steps in socialization. i am at the same time literally running from the exchange student i ended up in contact with. and it makes me feel small that i dont wanna meet her. and if i think about my therapist picking at this and asking why, i get soooo annoyed. ik its telling something, it may be regressive to not engage, but i wont cuz i have a lot on my plate rn, even if i miss this specific opportunity. might be bc of the selfishness of give me x, but i dont wanna give you anything.

reading back, all this seems so juvenile. its not like people have more authentic connections cuz they have instagram contacts.

i hate my therapist for making these problems so everyday in their nature, like what steps can we do to do that simple thing that im insecure about. in my brain i know it, i have the voice telling me it, that its not glorious and not dramatic and not huge, but i dont internalize ngl!!! cuz i hate the ungloriousness of it!! i preemptively feel stupid about them. i take them seriously, but it feels like this sentiment wants to cancel that, emotionally. they are huge things for me, and it feels so dissatisfying that others are incapable of seeing me/it that way, that its just another small thing for them, my big step a dust in their universe..... is that self-centeredness and immaturity? i mean yea. is it also perhaps a wound? i mean it could be?

i have other friends i havent written back to in a year. i have my high school classmates i was never comfortable with. ik its mostly about getting over it. no ones even forcing my hand to be besties with anyone, to go back and befriend my high school class at a reunion. it just comes back exactly because im stressed and insecure ----------

this loneliness sucks so fucking bad!

i hate overindulgent introverts bc this is that side of me! wallowing in own sadness. i wanted to believe i just have to believe in connection with other people, but it doesnt necessarily work just like that. i cant know. i cant decide. i cant just go in and feel fine and connected always. the answer to this particular step isnt "just suck it up and extrovert more". its not "introvert and find yourself cool by yourself" either.

i dont want it to be "stop thinking about yourself so much" either. cuz come on >:( i have to be between people all day everyday, changing situations, how could i stop perceiving my percepted perception! instagram is that perception hyperrealized. its an imitation and caricaturization of that same reality, but also it *is* a part of reality, its not like its not. ugh

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