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themagnuswriters · 4 years

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Asexuality in Fic Roundtable - What We Like

How do I write a convincing asexual character in a fic? Is there a way to address a character’s sexuality outside the context of sex or coming out? Can a story feature a character's asexuality aside from exploring the negative aspects of the asexual experience? It’s usually not too hard to find lists of what not to do when writing asexual characters, but much more difficult to find the opposite.

The asexual members of The Magnus Writers discord gathered to discuss their favorite ways to incorporate the day-to-day details of asexual peoples’ experiences into fiction. We also discussed depictions that we’ve enjoyed in the past, or would love to see more of. Note that this isn’t an Asexuality 101 resource, so if you don’t feel familiar with the basics, feel free to check out the resources we will link in the reblog of this post.

This conversation included a variety of ace-spectrum people from multiple countries, including both arospec and non-aro people, various genders, and varying relationships to sex and sexual content. Just like all asexual people are different, the things that we enjoy reading are far from universal. Some tropes/details brought up as favorites can vary widely--for example, “innuendo completely flies over their head” vs. “they understand but are completely unfazed by innuendo.” Additionally, some aces love tropes that others would prefer to avoid: for instance some enjoy discussions of physical boundaries to be included in the fic, and some prefer that to be established as happening in the past.

The examples brought up in our discussion are also far from comprehensive, and can be seen as the beginning of an endless list of possible ways to write asexual characters. Some examples given are specific to the Magnus Archives, but can apply to any writing. Take these as inspiration and a way to broaden your understanding of who we are and what we like to see!

ASEXUALITY IN YOUR SETTING

When writing a story including asexual characters, one of your first considerations may be for how asexuality is contextualized within your setting: Is it fully normalized and accepted? Does it reflect real-world stigmas? How is asexuality treated by the narrative and the other characters? Contributors showed interest in a variety of approaches on this front, with no single approach being worth more than other:

Fics including negative real-world experiences

These would include fics in a realistic setting, where characters may struggle with internalized acephobia, stigma, social pressure, microaggressions, dysphoria, and so on. This isn’t limited to just “issue fic,” where the focus of the fic is about examining and confronting a struggle, but rather encompasses anything that includes this consideration in its worldbuilding and characterization. While brighter settings can be refreshing, contributors described reasons why this kind of fic appeals to them:

Feeling seen: Reading about ace characters whose experiences reflect their own

Feeling validated: Being exposed to only stories where there are no issues on this front can feel like we’re the only one facing these struggles. It can be extremely cathartic to read something and think “I thought I was the only person who went through this.”

Exploring improvement/hope: From ace characters learning to accept themselves or other characters making mistakes and accepting correction, these can be validating and encouraging.

On top of ace readers finding worth in these fics, the act of writing the fic can also be very cathartic for many ace authors.

There is a lot of variety for how these fics can be written, such as:

Stories that focus on the negative experience

Stories where that experience is just part of the setting or characterization

The character(s) getting external support and validation

The character facing mixed dismissiveness, acceptance, prejudice, etc. from different people

The story resolving in a way where the situation is resolved: for instance, cutting off an acephobic relationship, or someone apologizing for a microaggression.

Stories where well-meaning characters are accidentally insensitive about asexuality, but learn better and change their behavior

The character confronting or overcoming an internal struggle

Stories where the issues aren’t fully resolved by the end, such as an insecurity not fully going away.

Negative asexual experiences don’t have to be the focus of a fic to be acknowledged. While “issue fics” that closely examine and explore these experiences are valuable, contributors also described enjoying stories that included them as simply an element of the worldbuilding or characterization. For instance, a story may reference Jon having bad past relationship experiences; facing assumptions that he’s having sex if he’s in a relationship; having moments of insecurities about his sexuality; etc.

Please note that writing negative ace experiences needs to be handled sensitively; fics of this type should definitely be tagged appropriately. For brief references, consider including author’s note warnings on the appropriate chapter (e.g. “asexual character assumed to be having sex”). Having an asexual sensitivity reader--particularly one of a type that corresponds with what you’re writing (i.e. sex-neutral, gray-ace, sex-repulsed, etc)--is very much encouraged.

Fics where asexuality is normalized

In contrast, there is just as much interest in stories that avoid all of these issues, and fully normalize asexuality. Contributors described how they enjoy stories where ace characters are allowed to just exist, without big important conversations or small othering details that depict asexual identities as less than fully accepted.

These can be included in any type of fic, but a few of the suggested details for how to normalize asexuality in a setting include:

A character being already out and accepted: For instance, Martin already knowing about Jon’s asexuality from early seasons.

Characters in the fic already knowing what asexuality is without needing it explained to them

Having more than one character be asexual: We aren’t confined to writing only canon characters as ace! This not only goes the extra mile in normalizing asexuality, but it gives the chance to include more of the ace spectrum.

If you’re aiming for asexuality to be normalized, please consider whether it makes sense for your asexual character to be anxious about coming out or discussing boundaries. There is a world of difference between someone responding to an ace character coming out with “I fully support you” and responding with “you’re an idiot for thinking we wouldn’t support you.” This is a common and easy pitfall to fall into, but the result is often less escapism and more a message of “your struggles aren’t real, and you’re stupid for thinking they are.”

Asexuality in Metaphor

Some contributors mentioned wanting to read settings where asexuality itself is normalized, but the issues facing aces could be explored on a metaphorical level. This falls somewhere in between the ideas of realistic or idealized settings as regards the ace experience, and could allow that exploration with a layer of distance. Ideas relating to this included fantasy settings with different kinds of magic.

PERSONALITY AND CHARACTERIZATION

The experience of being asexual isn’t something just limited to a relationship with sex: it can be shown in many ways, such as how a character relates to themselves, other people, media, and society. Like any other queer identity, it affects many aspects of our lives and informs a great deal about us as people. These little details don’t even need to be presented in a blunt “this is because this character is asexual” way--they can be little relatable notes for your ace readers, while not coming across in a “this is how all ace people are” way.

We’ve seen the question “how do I write a character as asexual, if I’m not planning on having someone ask them for sex or writing a coming-out scene?” many times. Our contributors were excited to share a wide variety of ideas for this from things they’ve read, written, or experienced:

Ace confusion

Not to be confused with the infantilizing “doesn’t know what sex is” approach, this could involve things like:

Being confused over what sexual attraction is: difficulty defining what they don’t experience.

Difficulty describing to others what lack of sexual attraction is: this is their default, and it can be difficult to contrast it to what they don’t experience.

Thinking that others describing sexual attraction or interest is just exaggeration

“Wait, that’s what you mean when you say ‘hot’? I just thought it meant they’re gorgeous.”

“You mean meeting someone and being instantly sexually interested in them is a real thing, and not just a movie trope?”

The Absurdity of How Society Views Sex

The jarring dissonance between asexual experiences and the norms in society and media can cause a lot of alienation and dysphoria in aces, but often it hits a point of feeling like a joke is being played on you. Contributors offered ideas for how this could be illustrated through a character:

Reading “How to Spice Up Your Love Life” articles out of pure morbid curiosity

Taking the most ridiculous Cosmo sex life article as How Everyone Thinks (and being concerned)

Having an allo friend or partner they can ask about whether any of it is legitimate advice (this one was brought up by a lot of people as a common ace experience)

An ADHD/autistic character getting a special interest or hyperfixation on societal views on sex or sexual practices, and pursuing it as purely a matter of research with no interest in participating

“Why do they keep bringing up ice cubes? Georgie, stop laughing, I am a researcher and a scholar.”

Needing to teleport out of the room if a sex scene comes up in a movie

Not minding the sex scenes, but needing to make fun of them or point out impracticalities

“On the beach? But sand is everywhere? Wait, they think getting sand everywhere is hot??”

Being baffled at what’s considered sexy: for example, Jon being baffled at “wet clothes are sexy,” having grown up by the beach and associating them with being terribly uncomfortable

Of course, asexual characters don’t need to be framed like they constantly need to learn about things from allo people--sometimes the reverse can be a fun twist. One reversal, for example, could be an ace person helping their allo friend parse whether their attraction to someone is simply sexual or also romantic.

Aces vs. flirting

While not specifically connected to sexual attraction, how a character interacts with flirting can very much demonstrate the asexual experience. Contributors discussed a variety of their own experiences, and details they’ve enjoyed reading for ace characters:

Having difficulty distinguishing between different kinds of draws to people--is it romance? Friendship?

Having difficulty picking up on whether or not someone is interested in them

Failing to realize they’re flirting or being flirted with

Enjoying flirting as just a fun thing to do without any particular goal (a popular suggestion for a Tim ace headcanon)

Casually flirting but then backing off if it becomes “real”

Several examples were given of scenarios these could be used for Jon:

Jon’s dry prickliness stemming from wanting to avoid people thinking he’s flirting or showing interest in them, not being sure where others judge the line between “flirting” or “being nice.”

Jon deciding he is going to make an effort to be more friendly to people, and awkwardly starts showering others with compliments; some of them interpret it as flirting and it’s very confusing.

Jon (or Martin) being overly dramatic or romantic when purposefully showing interest in someone, drawing from a basis of books or media rather than social experience.

Aces vs. hotness

We might use the word “hot” excessively, but ace people often have their own understanding of the word (and are often surprised to learn what others mean by it). Contributors brought up the following ideas for this area:

Using “hot” as an expression of “gorgeous to look at,” and being confused to learn that others use it as a sexual expression.

Engaging with “are they hot” conversations based purely on aesthetics, or other impressions like “would they give good hugs.”

Focusing on seemingly random physical details, like wrists or eyebrow shape, over more commonly sexualized ones.

Being confused over the criteria others use for hotness. Example: Jon’s reaction to “the hot one” comment.

Finding fictional characters not represented by a real person “hot” (e.g. from books, podcasts, video games with bad graphics, etc)

Using the words “hot” and sexy” for completely nonsexual things. Several contributors described being told they couldn’t be ace if they called anything hot/sexy, and then doing it more out of spite.

Being completely unfazed by innuendo or sex/nudity: For example, Jon’s calm response vs. Martin being flustered at Tim stripping

This is also an area where a story can establish the nature of their relationship with those around them: if a character is comfortably out as not being interested in sex, for instance, you can show that others around them support that by making their conversations more inclusive. For example, a “fuck, marry, kill” game with modified categories, or a “who would you have sex with” conversation changed to a “who would you have dinner with” one once the ace character enters.

Aces vs. sexual humor

Ace people’s reactions to sexual humor can vary as much as the reactions to flirting. Contributors described enjoying a broad range of these:

Aces who love sexual humor (not limited to sex-favorable aces)

Humor taking an angle of “sex is so strange, glad it isn’t real.”

Aces who are bored with or exhausted by sexual humor

Not finding sexual humor funny unless it’s also clever. “Yes I know that’s a sexual reference...wait, it was meant to be funny? Because it’s connected to sex? ....I see. Anyway.”

Bonus points if the “is that supposed to be funny because it’s sexual?” ace and the filthy humor ace are friends

It can even vary for the same person from setting to setting: someone may find making dirty jokes with a group of ace friends might be fun (see the “Absurdity of Sex” section above), but be very uncomfortable with someone else trying to twist something they said into something sexual. There’s also the nature of the joke itself: a silly pun may be fine, but a joke implying the ace person is interested in sex or said something sexual without meaning to may be alienating.

For TMA, the general interpretation of Jon is that he’d be uncomfortable with sexual humor, which is relatable to a lot of asexual people, but contributors brought up other possibilities as well: for example, the idea of Jon liking clever wordplay so much that if it just so happens to include something sexual, it doesn’t feel odd to him--why do the others look so shocked?

Note: A lot of asexual awareness posts insensitively treat the concept of aces who love filthy humor as more mature, more easygoing, less stereotypical, or otherwise superior to aces who are uncomfortable with sexual humor. This is a very harmful attitude that looks down on a lot of asexual people, and adds a pressure to push past comfort levels to fit in and “avoid being a stereotype.” Contributors loved reading stories that include flirty or filthy aces, but not when they take this tone. A favorite suggestion was to include more than one ace character to depict a variety, while treating them as equally valid.

Somewhat related to this is ace people’s relationship to sexual euphemisms. Contributors described their experiences or how they might write an ace character responding to these:

Being exhausted by how so many terms are considered euphemisms, or how any comment could be reframed as sexual.

Having a special annoyance when they accidentally stumble into or misunderstand a euphemism

Wanting to decouple euphemisms from their literal meaning: why does “spending the night” or “going home with someone” have to mean “having sex”?

In the same line, being very blunt and straightforward about making sexual references, because why dance around it?

Characterization Considerations

One discussion that is particularly relevant to The Magnus Archives is the idea of the “uptight nerd” ace persona. It may sound strange to say, but there is some legitimacy in this characterization, but for different reasons than is stereotyped. Many of us build up this persona while growing up--particularly in adolescence and early adulthood--to fend off uncomfortable social pressure, self-examination, or external criticism for why we relate to sex differently than our peers. This often involves playing up certain defenses for discomfort for sex or dating: “I don’t have time for any of that, I only have time for books and knowledge!” Or, the adult version: “I don’t have time for relationships, I’m married to my job!”

Where this departs from the stereotype is that these are generally coping mechanisms or facades rather than the truth. Asexuality isn’t “of course they don’t have time for sex, they’re obsessed with this or that”--but an asexual person who doesn’t feel comfortable in their environment, such as around work, school, or family, may deflect judgment with similar excuses. Similar to this, some find it tempting to be antisocial or hostile on purpose to fend off interest in them or avoid sexual expectations.

This is, of course, far from the only way an ace character could be written. For instance, if you wanted to write a setting where asexuality is more accepted, you could write Jon’s antisocial and closed-off tendencies as a result of being bullied from a very young age, while he is confident and secure in his asexuality. Or for other characters: you could write Tim as someone who has enjoyed sexual relationships, but just thought everyone was exaggerating on the attraction side of things.

Intersection of Asexuality with Other Identities

Another characterization consideration is how asexuality intersects with other identities and experiences included in the fic. Below are a few examples of many:

Asexuality and masculinity: Social expectations of masculinity place a high emphasis on sexuality, particularly heterosexuality, treating sexual activity as a commodity or prize. One possible reading of The Magnus Archives is Jon’s tendency to have closer and more numerous friendships with women connects to this.

Asexuality and trans identities: There is a significant overlap between aspec and trans identities, particularly nonbinary identities. Based on an October 2020 study by the Trevor Project (see link in reblog), ace respondents were roughly 50% more likely to be trans (including nonbinary) than allo respondents. Contributors described how they’ve felt things like “is this dysphoria I’m feeling a gender thing or an asexuality thing,” or how figuring out their asexuality helped them explore their gender.

Asexuality and race: In combination with LGBTQ+ spaces often being white-dominated, people of color often face stereotypes that hypersexualize or desexualize them. This can have a strong impact on people of color’s experience and self-perception as asexual. For instance, if you are writing Jon as Indian, you could consider how this may have impacted his experiences in LGBTQ spaces in university. As there is no ‘one size fits all’ experience for aces of color, we strongly recommend researching for the particular background you have in mind. We will be adding resource links to our main page shortly, but in the meantime check out the links in the reblog of this post!

INTIMACY AND RELATIONSHIPS

One of the topics addressed in our discussion was how a character’s asexuality may impact their experiences with intimacy and romantic relationships. Contributors discussed ways to portray this in fic, whether or not it includes sex or even mentions it.

Physical Intimacy

Intimacy, sensuality, and sex are separate things that may or may not overlap depending on the individual. Contributors discussed how, for people across the ace spectrum, the relationship between these three tends to differ from common societal frameworks or depictions of intimacy in fiction.

Enjoying physical intimacy without the expectation that it will become sexual: massages, falling asleep on top of each other, bathing together, etc.

This includes acts that would often be expected to “lead somewhere” but don’t, such as lots of touching or nude cuddling.

Craving closeness/touch completely outside of sexual drive

One scenario suggested for this topic is an asexual character discovering that without the worry that an act of intimacy will ‘lead somewhere,’ they enjoy something they used to get anxious about, such as sharing a bed or showering together.

Boundaries & Communication

Stories with an asexual character in a relationship often address physical boundaries within that relationship. The below are some of the scenarios contributors have enjoyed:

People communicating over their sexual boundaries, rather than assuming what these are as soon as they hear the word “asexual.”

The boundaries discussion being framed as something that any couple in a fictional relationship should have, not just because one is asexual.

In relationships between allo and ace characters, the allo character having boundaries of their own, rather than just the ace character.

Normalizing boundaries discussions for allo couples as well.

Note: If a boundaries discussion involves a sex-favorable ace character, take caution at the risk of having them sound offended or derisive that the discussion is happening (e.g. “What, I’m not a child” or “Not all aces are like that.”). Enforcing the idea that people should assume their partner is sex-interested is extremely harmful to sex-disinterested aces.

Some contributors noted that they prefer fics where the boundaries discussion is something that has taken place in the past, rather than run through at the beginning of each fic they read. In these cases, this past discussion could be illustrated in the interaction itself: a character’s awareness of what lines not to cross, the other’s confidence and trust that those boundaries will be respected, and so on.

Issues of Intimacy Outside of Sex

While aversion to sex is the most well-known dimension of asexuality, there are other aversions and boundaries that could apply to either ace or allo characters:

Ace characters that are kiss-averse and/or touch-averse: This also works against the “They won’t have sex, but they’ll make up for that with kissing even more!” trope that implies asexual people have to compensate for a nonsexual relationship.

Allo characters with their own aversions or specific boundaries: suggestions included how this can apply to trans characters.

Fluctuations in levels of aversion (note: it is important to not treat increased aversion as “progress” or decreased aversion as “regression”)

In cases of fluctuating aversion, characters developing ways to communicate these levels, and responding appropriately. For example, “Kissing is not on the table right now, let’s move on to something more comfortable.”

Contributors were excited to discuss how this area could particularly be used for the allo partner of an ace character, such as an allo Martin having difficulties with touch post-Lonely, or discovering that he doesn’t enjoy kissing.

Relationships to Sex (or Lack Thereof)

Asexuality ‘subtypes’ are terms many aces describe their personal relationship with sex and/or sexual content. These are simplified self-descriptors rather than rigid categories or mini-sexualities, and the terms rarely encompass the full detail of that relationship. Please note that the below discussion assumes a general familiarity with ace subtypes.

Needless to say, aces across the spectrum and of every subtype want to see their identities represented in fic. The discussion focused on ways to illustrate those experiences, and details contributors would enjoy seeing:

Non-averse aces trying sex and deciding they have no interest in it: pushing back against the “if you’re not repulsed you’ll like and want sex” idea.

No expectation that “sex-favorable” means always interested in sex.

The pressure an ace person may face to oversimplify their relationship to sex or sexual content out of fear they’ll appear inconsistent or exaggerating: “If I’m okay with this now, what if I’m not later? Will I seem picky if I’m only comfortable with something in an extremely specific scenario?”

“Sex repulsion” and “sex aversion” generally are used to describe asexual people who don’t want sex, but are simplified terms for what can be immensely varied experiences. Someone could be repulsed by physical involvement in sex, repulsed by personally engaging in anything sexual, repulsed by sexual content, repulsed by just the idea of sex--or any variation or combination of these. There are even repulsions that could be part of more sex-interested subtypes: an ace who enjoys sex but is repulsed by nudity, or an ace who enjoys sexual activities with a partner but not being touched during them, etc.

Contributors discussed how much they enjoy reading simple “I just don’t want sex” approaches to aversion/repulsion, but also look forward to reading explorations such as:

Enjoying one specific type of engagement with sexual content or activity, but having an aversion to others.

Regularly varying levels of repulsion: Days of “please don’t remind me sex exists” to days of mild curiosity, for instance.

Aces with a relationship to sex that doesn’t involve another person, including if they’re in a relationship.

Fluidity between ace subtypes can fluctuate between sex-interested and sex-disinterested in both directions: it can be both “I said I wasn’t interested in this before, but let’s carefully revisit” and “I know we’ve been doing this, but I’m no longer comfortable with it.” Contributors mentioned never having seen fic with the latter, and expressed an interest in reading stories exploring this.

On this note, it is common for stories of fluidity between subtypes to be only moving in a more sex-interested direction. Many asexual people, particularly sex-averse aces, face immense pressure to ‘learn how to like sex,’ or have their sexuality erased by saying they’re a ‘late bloomer’ who will learn to like it later. Depicting this direction should be done with great care and nuance, and we strongly recommend getting feedback from a sex-disinterested sensitivity reader for stories of this type. It’s possible that an ace reader who isn’t sex-disinterested would miss or not be affected by something that is quite painful to sex-disinterested aces.

CONCLUSION

If you’ve stuck with us for this long, well done! We understand that such a long resource can be a bit overwhelming, but we hope it can show you the depth of variety and enthusiasm ace readers have for more ace content and inspire you further. One thing we all had in common during our discussion was how excited we were to have a canonically asexual protagonist, and how thrilled we were to see content that explored his asexuality. In putting together this resource, we hope that you are encouraged to write about characters whose asexuality impacts their experiences and the story in unique, thoughtful, and creative ways. We can’t wait to see what you come up with!

#asexuality #asexuality in writing #ace week #the magnus archives #tma #writing resources #asexual characters #roundtables

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aimlesswalker · 3 years

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Being autistic and having adhd really fucks with my sense of attraction. I’ve realized I don’t/rarely experience sexual attraction for uhh a decade now? I’ve realized I don’t experience romantic attraction for three years now. And I’m starting to realize I don’t experience platonic attraction either. I just... I don’t feel ~drawn~ to people. People approach me and if the vibes are right then maybe we’ll spend more time together. I don’t care enough to pursue anyone, to be the active pursuer. Ever. I don’t think of people when they’re not around. I only seem to make friends when someone chases after me or if they’re people I spend time doing things with regularly (like a club).

Part of my experience of being autistic is feeling disconnected from the rest of the world. People connect in ways I can’t seem to understand, there’s so many social rules I can’t seem to understand. Even with the people I get along with, even with the friends I make, I feel like an outsider. I feel hollow compared to everyone smiling and getting along so easily. I feel alien, like a glitch, like something that isn’t supposed to exist. I don’t really know how to make friends. (And this isn’t just a lack of social skills or whatever, it’s about the lack of platonic attraction and about neurodivergent brains being different) I don’t know what brings two people together. I don’t know what to do with other people if it’s not some pre-agreed upon activity. I don’t know how to be the pursuer because I think about that person in particular and all I can conjure up is a “meh?” feeling. There’s no real motivation to get to know them further unless they’ve already pursued me and I’ve formed some sort of attachment and found out that I enjoy their company. And even then... I can never point to any specific thing about a person other than “they were there?” or I enjoy doing X with them. Even then, if the person is pursuing me too strongly, if they’re more attached than I am, I feel put-off, repulsed.

And I know a lot of that repulsion is rooted in relationship trauma, in this codependent relationship I had where I felt trapped and confined. I overcompensated by being as independent as possible. I don’t want anyone to rely on me, to need me. That feels bad. I don’t want to be the linchpin that someone else’s emotional health rests upon. I also feel uncomfortable in a relationship where our feelings are mismatched because the other person usually places all these expectations on me that I find suffocating. This is especially the case for romantic relationships. They always expect so much, they expect me to feel and act a certain way and make me feel guilty for not being romantically attracted to them. It’s repulsive.

I don’t even experience familial bonds. I don’t know what that’s supposed to feel like. My blood family are just people in my life. I know them, I know I’m supposed to feel something for them, but the spot where I’m supposed to find that is just… hollow? (Does that make me a monster) Like I don’t hate my parents, I appreciate all that they do for me, I respect that they care for me and I set aside time to have dinner with them, but? I don’t even have a real concept of “found family”. They’re familial bonds to people who aren’t your blood relatives, but what does that feel like? It’s not platonic, it’s not romantic, it’s not alterous, it’s something else completely. But I struggle to word exactly how it’s different. I’m just… not sure I feel familial attachment in the way most other people seem to.

And yet? I still experience “love”. It’s not what people usually think of when they hear the word, but I bond deeply to a few rare people and I enjoy expressing my affection towards them via physical touch and/or sex. I don’t care if I’m “not allowed” to call it love bc it’s so different, bc it’s not based on attraction. I’m lovequeer so fuck you.

So if it’s not based on attraction, then why do I form bonds with people? I still want friends. I want people to talk about things with! Whether that’s my day, something that’s bothering me, a morality/ethical question, current events, fandom, etc. I want interesting conversations with interesting people. I want people to do the activities I like with- like going to museums or playing board games or swing dancing. I want people to cuddle with and have sex with. Because all of those things are fun! Those things bring enjoyment to life. I also want people I can ask for help or advice from because I can’t do everything on my own. I like seeking outside perspectives to grow as a person. I like people who can challenge me and help me be better, who I can grow alongside of.

Which is a lot of why I don’t generally enjoy surface level relationships- because I don’t know how to act in them. I like a lot of emotional intimacy in my relationships! That’s the lifeblood of any connection I form. What’s the point if it’s not there? What’s driving me to seek out this person without it? I usually call the desire for emotional intimacy “alterous attraction”, but I don’t experience this often. While I like emotional intimacy with people as a general thing, I rarely experience the desire for it from a specific person.

Which often throws me to the outskirts of society, not being able to form those sorts of bonds with other people, like coworkers or peers or mentors or anything. I end up not having people to rely upon, which is a key part of humanity (being able to depend on others, we’re typically a social species) but also the way society is set up. Due to amatonormativity, society is not set up for someone to be alone; everything is set up for a set of partners or a nuclear family. There’s also no support systems for those who need it, like financial aid or disability aid or food stamps. They’re set up to be as difficult as possible to obtain. You’re expected to have other people in your life you can rely on. But I don’t.

It’s part that I struggle to bond with people, part not feeling platonic attraction, but also part I don’t mind being alone. I’ve always been alone. I have plenty of things to enrich my life. I don’t see the point in talking to people, in making friends if they’re not going to be people I can get close to. I’m struggling to put that into words. But I was always the quiet kid. And I used to be ashamed of that, because society shames people for being “weird” or being “outcasts” for not having friends. But that’s just part of who I am. I prefer listening to what’s going on around me, I don’t care to join in other than for the shame of being excluded. Or is that what I tell myself to make being alone and disconnected from the entire world feel more palatable?

Because, while I struggle to form bonds and am generally ok alone, I crave community, I crave emotionally intimate relationships. I don’t want romance because of the repulsion, so that ends up being a craving for friends (because society has a fucked up binary of friends or romantic partner). And I vibe with all those posts by aros talking about how deep and important friendship can be. I vibe with those posts talking about a (queer)platonic polycule. I like the sound of those things. In theory. But the only close bonds I seem to be able to form are alterous ones. Not queerplatonic, not deeper than is considered socially acceptable for platonic relationships, but alterous ones! Not platonic, alterous. But where else am I going to find aromantic and aplatonic people that aren’t nonamorous or non-partnering? Will I always have to sacrifice and subdue the parts of me that are repulsed by getting close to people?

#aplatonic #greyplatonic #aromantic #amatonormativity #actuallyautistic #actuallyadhd #actuallynd #send help #idk my head is full of jelly #this probably isn't eloquent at all

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chaosclover1999 · 3 years

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i made a post earlier but tumblr fucked up the tags so i hav 2 put it all in txt :/

the post was

"not everything has 2 b an opportunity 4 u 2 try 2 prove u r a good ally sharon"

and i was gonna keep it at that and then leave the specifics of what i was talking abt in the tags but tumblr is a hellsite so i can't, i posted and immediately all the tags were out of order and made no fucking sense so im gonna just put the whole thing in txt here ig

this is abt me mainly thinking abt the ppl who hijack social movements 2 try 2 prove "what a good person they r" or act like we hav 2 make everything abt them like "the a stands 4 ally" mfs, the ppl who act like we in the minority hav 2 tone down what we're saying 4 them bc they would rather b comfy than acknowledge that ppl in their group r still hurting us

like the teachers and therapists who hijack every time a disabled/nd/mentally ill person talks abt their experiences 2 say "well im not like that" or worse the teachers and therapists who tell us 2 stop talking abt our experiences bc "we're making ppl afraid 2 go 2 school/therapy" and then they lie and say that "our experiences don't happen that often" like yes they do mf it's not my fault my reality makes u uncomfortable

this is also abt the mfs who act like im "racist" 4 saying that im mixed british and african when i say that bc i am, but some white ppl will say that calling myself that makes me racist bc "it's an insult 2 ppl actually from africa",,, like mf my grandmother was from africa and my mother was raised there, ur not as good an ally as u think u r

this is also abt the ppl who act like hating on mogai makes them a good queer ally, no it doesn't, also can't help but notice the stuff in mogai that i c getting the most hate is the labels that r there 4 nd/mentally ill ppl, hate 2 break it 2 u but ableism doesn't make u a good queer ally

also side note some of u just c a label and assume u know what it means, like u c the word "cloudgender" and assume it means some1 identifies as a cloud when that's not what that means, it's a label 4 some1 who the specifics of their gender r hard 2 pinpoint bc of dpdr [depersonalisation and/or derealisation] which is a very real thing 4 a lot of ppl, if ur such a "good ally" y don't u do the bare minimum research b4 u decide u know what something means

also while ur at it stop acting like every character in a queer relationship who's nd or mentally ill is child coded, like u guys will b like "[lists a literal common symptom of being nd/mentally ill] this makes them child coded" like mf no it doesn't hell some of u will point 2 a character being aro or ace or both and use that as evidence 4 them being "child coded" and u only seem 2 do this w/ queer ships [canon or otherwise] and i hav 2 wonder how many of u r doing that bc u c ace ppl, aro ppl, nd ppl, mentally ill ppl the same as children and how many of u r doing that bc u want any excuse 2 call a queer ship p*do bait neither of those makes u a good ally 2 queer ppl

i'm nd, im mentally ill, im aroace and im not a child, ppl like me r allowed 2 exist and hav relationships and yes that includes relationships that r obviously and unashamedly queer, sry not sry if that makes u uncomfortable and b4 u say "well it's not abt ppl like u" yes it is, im literally nd and mentally ill in the way that ppl use 2 say a character is child coded, im autistic and i hav dpdr as a result of cptsd so i hav moments where i just hav no idea what's going on, if i was a fictional character i would hav ppl on the internet saying that im "child coded" and that ppl can't like me and my partner being 2gether and that it's "bad queer rep" also even if it wasn't abt me that's not the point, the point is adults r allowed 2 b adults and being disabled shouldn't change that

i feel like a lot of activism is hurt by "allies" that just hijack our movements 2 try 2 prove "what good allies" or "what good ppl" they r and then they focus the movement around them and their ego and what they will and won't accept instead of our activism being allowed 2 b centred around us, the oppression we face and our goals 2 work 2wards our own liberation, the ways in which a lot of these "allies" try 2 prove that they r good allies is in ways that hurts the community they r saying they r helping or in a way that hurts another community that wouldn't hav been caught in the crossfire otherwise

[not saying all allies r like this but u do get way 2 many like this and it pisses me off]

so yeh, not everything has 2 b an opportunity 4 u 2 try 2 prove ur a good ally sharon

#racism #tw racism #white nonsense #ableism #tw ableism #ableist nonsense #queerphobia #tw queerphobia #queer problems #actually mixed #actually queer #actually autistic #actually mentally ill #sleep deprived posts #vent post ig

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aroworlds · 4 years

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Those With More, Part Two

When Mara Hill's magic results in her brother's impossible, wondrous transition, of course Suki wants to know how she did it! What if Sirenne's magic workers can help others find euphoria? What if this magic can heal Suki's hands—or at least lessen her pain? But Mara, distrustful of priests after their failure in protecting Esher, won't share her power.

A senior priest must bear responsibility, but Suki suspects her problems lie deeper than lack of oversight, and her reluctance to discuss her aromanticism with a woman who needs support only proves it. Would she have preserved Mara's faith and Esher's health if she hadn't first avoided revealing herself to her aromantic kin? If she'd faced their expectations that she shoulder their pain and grief as well as her own?

Suki has lived her life by the Sojourner's second precept, but how does she serve when she doesn't have more to give—and never will?

Contains: A disabled, non-partnering allo-aro woman struggling with the expectations of her young, fledgling aromantic community; an autistic, aromantic priest reconsidering their expectations of their community's leader; and an allo-aro woman in need of support as she struggles with her non-partnering, aro-ace brother's illness.

Content Advisory: Please expect many references to or depictions of aro antagonism, allo-aro antagonism, amatonormativity, familial abuse, mental illness, suicidal ideation, death, gender dysphoria, chronic pain, ableism and ageism. This piece contains non-detailed, non-specific reference to a character's past suicide attempts. This section includes characters embracing and touching.

Length: 4, 691 words (part two of two).

Note: This is the last story in my Suki mini-series, but it refers to characters introduced in The Sorcerous Compendium of Postmortem Query and is best read following the stand-alone story What Makes Us Human. You can find links to all on my pinned post or on this Tumblr master post.

Some scars are long years in the fading, if at all.

***

She isn’t surprised when Moll strides, their braid and girdle book swinging with each step, down the path to her garden. Sirenne rarely leaves its rules unsaid, an admirable quality to Suki’s way of thinking, but one needn’t long elaborate to impart the expectation that junior priests arrive promptly when summoned. Moll, despite the lifetime of alienation that leads to questioning rules and a habit of interaction best described as “restrained”, hasn’t dawdled upon hearing her request. A problem, that.

She understands, though, in the way of a woman once a girl who couldn’t have understood at all.

Obedience to conformity isn’t something she feels in the heart; Suki responds to being haltered with sharp words and loud arguments. Amadi, knowing this, kept her with em for a year before taking her to Sirenne, a year of learning to accept reasonable restrictions before facing the greater challenge of an acolyte’s service. That bitter, aching, defiant Suki would have scorned Moll’s flushed face and hurried pace, not seeing that she reacted to the same set of weighty, dehumanising beliefs and demands.

Submission and rebellion are just two sides of the same coin.

She doesn’t approve, but she understands.

“Don’t you even think about it,” she says, gleefully irascible, as Moll opens their mouth. “No clucking allowed. Sit down. The food’s safe, but it’s been half an hour. The tea’s probably cold.”

Moll nods and settles themself on Mara’s recently-vacated bench, the tea tray resting between them and Suki’s chair. As always, they move slowly, carefully, cautiously—like a wolfhound sniffing a newborn kitten or a man allowing a butterfly to alight on his finger. Like a tall, broad, boulder-shaped priest attempting to avoid threatening or scaring, however inadvertently, those around them. Like a puppy lying on its back, belly bared and paws tucked under its chin, its defencelessness a performance made before all would-be predators.

I won’t hurt you, so don’t hurt me.

They look more like a fig tree towering over the world’s seedlings than a puppy, but while a fig possesses an ancient, confident majesty in its quest to subsume another life in its great roots, Moll is … Moll. Shy, awkward, hesitant, uncertain. Rarely does she see them widen their arms or roll their hips, as if forever working to make their immense body appear smaller, softer, lighter. Just as a fig, for all its grandeur, lies vulnerable to any woman wielding an axe, Moll lies vulnerable to the wounds wrought by tongue, expression and gesture.

She wants to, simultaneously, swathe that nervous puppy in a warm blanket while taking a sharp blade to that fig’s trunk and daring Moll to defend themself.

Some scars are long years in the fading, if at all.

“Do you … mind, if I heat the tea?”

“Clucking,” she says, fighting to bite back her impatience. She doesn’t want to be the kind of old woman who moans about the young’s blathering, but sometimes they make her silence difficult! “If I objected, couldn’t you cool it down? Or tell me to pour a cup and let time have its way? I’d tell me, personally, to stick my head where the sun never shines. Try, if you want.”

Moll’s deep-set brown eyes put her in mind of shadowed pools—their fathomless serenity now disturbed by a crotchety priest’s thrown rock. Wordlessly, they pour a small amount of tea into a saucer before resting one hand on the teapot’s handle. The other guides a finger to the saucer, dampens a fingertip and traces, with careful delicacy, evaporating glyphs atop the tan glaze.

Many magicians speak loudly or write in great looping script, their magic become another performance of wordplay and artistry—as if, Suki always thinks, they find adoration for their art more useful than magic itself. Moll works in gestures and murmurs, collected and subtle. Everything must be reduced, depressed and lessened for safety, and she sighs, for even she recognises that they’re no casual magician. Why shouldn’t the world outside a small, backcountry monastery welcome or accommodate such ability?

Why shouldn’t Freehome welcome Suki’s free, unrestrained, honest self?

Such pondering, when she knows the answers to both questions, provides only one thing: delay.

“How old were you,” she asks, “when you learnt the word for your aromanticism?”

A slight frown, more the suggestion of expression than the actuality, shifts Moll’s brow. “I know exactly,” they say in their slow, deep voice, “because I learnt five weeks and two days after my acceptance as acolyte.” They purse their lips, studying the movement of their finger across the teapot. When a breath of steam issues from the spout, they pull back their hand. “I knew what I was since childhood, but knowing that I am loveless isn’t the same as a more … academic term. Loveless … people have other ideas about what that means.”

She always knew whom and what she was, clinging to a truth so obvious part of Suki still finds it absurd that Mama Lewis persisted in her stubborn obliviousness. Knowing, though, isn’t recognition, isn’t identification and permission; knowing isn’t the certain categorisation of the self as a different, acknowledged, communicable manner of ordinary.

Knowing isn’t pride.

“When do you think I found the word?”

Moll shakes their head, pouring now-steaming tea into a clay mug, the glaze chipped about the rim from years of use, the handle too small to fit all of Moll’s fingers. Their expression shows not the slightest hint of curiosity towards her questions. “I wouldn’t begin to guess, sir.”

Given Moll’s newness to the red, they can easily rough-reckon the numbers, so she answers as they did. “One and a half years before you, and leave off the ‘sir’! What are we, Astreuch?” Suki draws a shaking breath, her voice undeservedly sharp, but how can she fight both her acid tongue and the awful surge of hurt? How can she fight both her acid tongue and a nebulous tension that only fuels and strengthens her aching joints? “I was accepted, in a ‘some people don’t like relationships’ way. My mentor, Amadi, was like us. But the word? I didn’t know words until a cluster of young priests brought books from Khaloun. I found it, unexpectedly, while reading. So I made it my life’s work to have, here, our library.” She pauses, rueful. “Or the rest of my life’s work, since…”

Moll has given only patient, considered answers. Moll hasn’t asked questions coated in that dread mingling of need, hope and dismissal. Moll has done nothing to deserve her mood beyond asking one question, in the vegetable garden, that they had and have every right to voice.

Anticipatory fear and aching memory, poisonously entwined, have ever raised her hackles.

Suki counts backwards from ten, breathing long and slow, before realising that the Stormcoast’s culture of tiptoeing around advancing age—one daren’t observe that another approaches a state of “elderly” or “ancient”—has left Moll dwelling in a stone-faced, finger-entwining, staring-at-the-ferns silence.

“Which relative told you off as a child for calling another relative ‘old’?” she asks, grinning. “You think I don’t know I’m over the bloody hill and rolling down the other side? Yes, it’s the rest of my life’s work, because most of my life happened beforehand! Why pretend otherwise?”

“Many.” Moll rolls their shoulders back, softening. “How old were you?”

“Seventy-nine.” Suki silently applauds them for avoiding the tired “may I ask how old were you” approach and leaves the rest of the reckoning to Moll, carefully shifting her hands. Too often, these days, she earns nothing for her restful efforts but more time yearning for the work around which she has anchored her life. “Sometimes I feel like I was alive when the Sojourner supposedly lead hir band of survivors from the Change-ravaged North. Sometimes the world feels impossibly different, from then to now. Mostly, I feel the same as I always was, and the world's less different than people think, but people treat me like a ... a relic. Fancy attempting to educate me about theories I promoted because the old can’t understand the new!” She sighs. “Pour me a cup of plain tea, please, and put a pill on the saucer. The rats are gnawing today. Bloody rats.”

If her pain becomes unbearable, she’ll ask Thanh for hir set of nerve-blocking spells. She won’t be able to move or feel much of her body, but since she’s already remaining still, the real difference lies in consideration for Thanh. Ze’s had enough on hir metaphorical plate over the last week without Suki’s adding to hir work—and she hates to call on hir when she unnecessarily provoked at least half the throb in her hands, knees and ankles. Thanh has never made her feel as though she shouldn’t, but she does nonetheless.

She’s learnt the hard way how much her mood, and her guilt over wishing for relief, stokes and banks her pain.

Moll sets down their mug and pours another. “Can I do anything for you?”

Suki laughs. “I don’t suppose there’s the slightest chance you’ve figured out Thanh’s nerve blockers?”

They shake their head with speed enough that she guesses this a source of some frustration. “I don’t know how! There’s so much grafting onto nerve points, and in trying to describe it all and then shell … I make too many mistakes in the spell compression. It isn’t something in which you want mistakes.” They stop, breathing out long and slow. “I’m sorry, s—I’m sorry.”

Suki considers asking why, since she can’t expect a former quartermaster to reveal mastery of an art for which Thanh spent years studying at Eastern universities, but isn’t all this another distraction? “Don’t be. Thank you. Can you put the tray, just the cup and saucer, on my lap?”

Moll shifts the teapot and plate of corn muffins onto the bench before, as carefully as if handling fragile porcelain, arranging the rest of the tray on Suki’s lap. “Do you want to eat?”

“No.” Once, she could clasp a cup without provoking or worsening the pulling, throbbing pain in her wrist and fingers. So simple a thing to hold a cup, to drink, to return it to her tray! The tea’s heat doesn’t ease her pain, but the warm, tingling sensation distracts her somewhat, so she cradles the cup in both hands before raising them to her face. Now, at least, she needn’t waste her time in hope. As much as she yearns for Mara’s unlooked-for shape of witchcraft, there’s no reason to think her magic anything but sorcery, distant and unattainable. So be it.

She has blessings to count: a home, acolytes to help her wash and dress, purpose.

The bitter pill sticks to her tongue before she swallows it down.

“I can imagine,” Moll says, settling themself back onto the bench, “but in that way of theory. I can’t know, in the heart, the longest rhythms of time unknowing or half-knowing, given all denied us because we lack comprehension’s authority and…” They trail off, taking up their mug and, likely unconsciously, mirroring the position of her hands. “Place. That sense of place in time, in space, in community, in family, that … existential assuredness. Place. I know separation, distance, but I won’t pretend that I know that deeper shape.”

That Moll thinks their service should encompass only the safety of the vegetable garden is both tragedy and metaphor, but their still face suggests they don’t realise the contradictory echo of old words behind the new.

Mara wanted her kindred’s acknowledgement of her pain, someone to help her shoulder the weight of her agony in the validation and sympathy offered only by one who understands. Was Suki wrong to think, for so long, that she can’t risk seeking comfort? Does Moll’s rare consideration, offered unprompted no less, betoken safety enough for her to try?

“Do you have place, now?”

Moll cocks their head to the side, tapping one finger against the mug’s brown handle.

Suki waits.

“I don’t know that I will ever have that … neat, puzzle-piece sense of fitting into any time or space shared with others. Just autism alone, just aromanticism alone, just genderlessness alone … possibly. But they can’t stand alone, even if others want them to.” Moll exhales, hissing their breath over their lips in the loud, habitual easing of a priest performing and, through performance, encouraging the behaviour. “Sometimes … I want, so much, the ease of that fit, the confidence of an unquestioned place. And always … not, never, at that price.”

It shames her that, for all she has long held Moll at arm’s length, they are so willing to share.

“Burn the whole damn puzzle,” Suki says through a terrible, crooked grin.

Moll nods, a slight frown creasing their lips.

Do they realise? The shock of their first conversation in the vegetable garden, followed by an induction into the events surrounding the Hill siblings, may have seen them miss or put aside the obvious, for all that they touched upon it in their question of her. Moll owns too much perception to remain in acceptance of the thick paint covering the wallpaper beneath, and priests must do just that: question.

No thought or word can be worth anything if crumpling under curious, inquisitive challenge, so the question remains: have they the courage to ask?

“Do you know,” she says in a would-be conversational voice, “that the best thing about being a priest is that you can, amongst other priests, speak your mind? The trick lies in only having something worth speaking. Try it.”

With the speed and presence of a glacier, Moll turns their head to look Suki in the eyes. Their brow sits low and heavy, their controlled voice too tense for indifference: “What is this, then?”

Suki shakes her head. “No, try again.”

Moll’s lips shift, as if they mean to mouth a word before deciding otherwise. “Do you want honesty?”

“Your own mind will tear you apart if you say anything less, so why should I expect otherwise?”

A slight crease of Moll’s brow may suggest amusement—or consternation. Both, perhaps. “You’re discussing,” they say with painful slowness, “aro—” They hold up a hand, stopping her from remarking on their woeful statement of the obvious, and Suki, despite her anxiety-fuelled throbbing, works to hide a smile. “When you’ve had five years to start a conversation, why now?”

Their breath hisses over lips and teeth, one hand sketching lines on the meat of their robe-covered thigh.

Suki nods her encouragement.

“I did think that if this were well-known, I’d have heard. Someone would have said so in explaining to me? I also thought that your answer to my question … undermined your sense of the importance that we guide our own, especially now.”

“Do you feel that with Esher Hill?” Suki asks, wondering if they’ll dare put damning thought to voice. “Importance?”

"Yes." Moll shifts the girdle book and the bunched-up length of brown belt fastening said book to their waist. Their robe spills over thighs and knees, leaving ankles and shoulders bared; unlike Suki, they don’t appear the least bit cold. “He doesn’t trust me, but I think seeing himself reflected in that tangle of sharedness does more to help him survive than anything else. It matters.” They draw a breath, their voice firming and harshening: “So why do you talk sharedness now?”

Good! Only pain and the fear that Moll will take a somewhat-deserved offence keeps her from clapping. If she spends her remaining months or years helping Moll craft a more intentional relationship to obedience, even the Sojourner must reckon this time well served.

Easier to think about that than her own fear of an unvoiced answer.

Easier to frame this as a lesson or a guiding, her conversation possessed of another’s purpose.

Easier to think of anything but guilt and the damning thoughts an old woman must dare speak.

“Why do you?” Moll sips from their mug, their body angled towards her, their soft tone less a question than a prompting. “Isn’t that it?”

Only then does Suki realise that she embodies her own lingering, encloaking silence.

Her eyes rest, fleeing Moll, on the fern-encrusted garden wall and its uneven rows of red and yellow orchids. Her plants, fronds and leaves stirred into bobbing by the evening breeze, appear peaceful and fearless, but even allowing for flora’s unknowable sentience, that can’t be true. What stops a priest from consigning her flowers to the compost heap? A swarm of thrip from devouring the vegetable garden? Ferns, too, live their lives at the whims of the weather, the season, the denizens of the land upon which they take root. Plants grow, flourish, sicken, die. Peaceful?

What is peace but illusion: the hope of a perfect shelter from nature’s whims, ways and hurts?

“It goes the same way,” she says, now staring at her lawn and its mushrooms, those glistening fruits of the fungus conquering the soil beneath. “You learn something you didn’t know existed: the word. Once you find it fits, you feel the betrayal, the ache of once not knowing something fundamental, the deep cuts left by ignorance. You want sympathy, reassurance and validation to heal, and where are they when most don’t understand?”

Deep creases form across Moll’s brow as they thread their fingers together. “Yes. Esher needs it from me.” They hesitate, lips parted. “He needs it. So does Mara.”

“You can say it,” Suki murmurs, wondering the cost of standing, stepping onto the lawn and pulling the closest mushroom … with her back, conveniently, facing the priest beside her. Perhaps she and Moll aren’t so dissimilar if she wants to turn her hurt to fighting fungi. Perhaps this only crosses a mind looking to find a replacement for her knitting. “Please.”

“And I needed it from you.”

They may be referring to that first vegetable garden conversation. They may be referring to the years that passed between Moll’s learning the word “aromantic” as a descriptor and discovering that another priest is also aromantic. Both are truth.

“Nobody but Amadi had anything close.” Suki yawns in the first touch of medicine’s giddiness. Pity, as always, that she feels the effect in her head long before her joints. “Given nameless, remaining nameless with eir last breath.”

Only the stirring of hair and robe by breeze and breath mars Moll’s quiet stillness.

“Those with more,” she says bitterly, “serve to guide those with less. How doesn’t aromanticism apply? But we know the other side of its truth: a priest must have more to serve. More knowledge, more support, more sense of place, more safety, more community. A priest offers sympathy, provides reassurance, validates feeling, illuminates direction. A priest does what the world so often can’t in telling the different that we aren’t wrong to exist as we are.”

Mama Lewis wanted Suki to be safe, happy, loved. Mama Lewis never valued the daughter she had over the image of the daughter she thought herself entitled to have.

The part of Suki still yearning for the promise of her mother’s love can’t surrender one tainted, maggot-ridden idea: that a concept bearing an academic-sounding, official name must have made a difference.

Or will she still exist in this same circumstance, a trailblazer struggling with the full and challenging consequences of being this path’s guide?

“You think that I’ve known our word for years. You think that age means my hurt no longer throbs and I will carry your pain. You think I have more.” She presses her lips together, fearing the tears threatening to burst their dam. No, Suki takes pride in being the human equivalent of a splinter under a fingernail! She doesn’t weep. She rebels. “I have more knowledge only! You’ve … thirty, forty, fifty years of knowing ahead. You won’t find the word when you’re at death’s doorstep. You won’t bear the pain of a word unknown for eight decades. Your guide came delayed, but your guide still came!”

Suki learnt her words from books, not other priests. Moll had Gennifer, who’d learnt of aromanticism from her and affirmed in person the name of their identity and human worth. Moll, now, has Suki, even if five years later than right or deserved. Mara and Esher Hill have the wonder of identified validation provided by other aromantics, but Suki lived in a time when even the best affirmation went unnamed.

She tried openness for a year. She tried talking, despite such guiding never being her strongest art, to those guests who showed signs of aromanticism. She tried to find and connect with her own.

Easier, so much easier, to withdraw, to leave nurturing the younger aromantic starting their novitiate to other priests, to trust that Moll’s future will achieve what hers can’t.

Easier, so much easier, to avoid the young’s self-involved cruelty in relegating her only to their mentorship: the provider of their needed validation and support, the priest with more.

Easier, so much easier, to avoid speaking of her named identity with her aromantic kin … until a man almost died in part because of how he took a priest’s careless words, a situation that may not have existed if everyone knew “aromantic” described her and understood its context. Her failure, her cowardice, her unwillingness to build aromanticism more obviously into all her priests’ knowledge and service. Her inability to survive the bruises dealt her by others in pain. Her rebellion offering no direction or answer.

“You want me to strengthen you, shore you, shelter you. I can’t. I can’t when even thinking of sharing your agony reminds me of mine. I can’t when listening to you…” She sucks in a harsh, shaking breath, her throat tightening like a python’s jaws around a struggling rat. “I don’t have more. I’ll never have more. But acknowledging that isn’t enough!”

No lie slipped from her lips when she spoke to Moll in the vegetable garden, carefully dealing in careless and shallow words: how can a priest best guide someone when that guiding means taking further injury to damaged flesh? How can she serve their guests and her belief when she fights to keep back her screams, when pain and defensiveness sharpen her words to cruelty?

How much did the ostensible Sojourner struggle in leading hir collection of rent and ruined survivors along such a frightening, untrodden road?

She wishes herself able enough to march into the kitchen, grab a stack of the cracked plates she kept aside for such purposes and find a private courtyard where she can hurl them at a particularly offensive wall.

“I’m sorry,” she rasps, “because you needed. Because what happened to Esher wouldn’t have happened if I hadn’t retreated. I didn’t question. I didn’t try to find an answer. I used the precept as a shield; I failed it. I’m sorry, I—”

She doesn’t realise she’s weeping until Moll slides towards her, closes their warm hand about her bony shoulders and pulls her into their chest, her tears soaking their red linen robe. They don’t speak. They don’t do anything but sit, awkwardly leaned over the arm of her chair, and hold her like a fresh-hatched chick in a pair of sheltering hands.

Guiding priests don’t, by custom, embrace their guests.

A lifetime’s grief spills from her eyes, stinging creased, dry cheeks. Not until the evening’s chill increases to something unignorable does Suki find again her composure. She sniffs, draws a shaking breath and speaks in her ever-readily barbed tongue: “Ten years ago, before your novitiate, I’d have asked if you were interested in bedding. Or even just sleeping, because you’re better than a dog and a hot brick for keeping an old woman toasty.”

Moll sits upright, only a strained shift of shoulder suggesting any stiffness or discomfort. Their wet eyes glisten even in the dim light, an odd contrast to their twisted lips and crumpled chin—and then a noise between a hoarse laugh and a snort explodes above the breeze’s whisper. “Don’t distract!”

They sound like Suki does when objecting to the young's woeful blathering.

She straightens, wiping her face on a corner of her shawl before smiling in pride. “Yes. I…”

“Thank you for trusting me enough to share.” They’re priestly words, taken right from the instruction manual, but Moll’s following sentences aren’t: “You said my guide came delayed, but she came, she showed herself when needed, she served. She’s here. I don’t know … how people reacted, what was asked, all of what you feel, how you bear the weight. I want to know. Your guide came delayed, so delayed … but they’re here. Even at the last.”

Emotion cracks and shreds her voice: “I’d rather not cry again, thank you very much.”

Moll doesn’t dilute their blank stare with speech or gesture.

“What path, then?” she croaks—tired, giddy, shivering, relieved.

Part of her, the wary woman once a distrustful girl, feels it ludicrous that Moll, so junior a priest, can answer something she can’t. The girl does them no justice: Moll hasn’t asked her to carry their pain. They’ve shared only at her prompting. They’ve treated her with a friend’s warmth and courtesy. If she holds no faith in their sacred service, is there anything left of Suki but damaged bones in an aching body? Isn’t this the same old difficulty: a woman fighting herself to trust another person, simultaneously needing and fearing?

Moll rests a hand on the arm of her chair, fingers half curled in invitation.

Suki nods and rests her stiff hand in their soft one.

“Someday,” they say slowly, “as how it seems incredulous to question one eschewing gender, we will be history. My school, years ago, taught that: the tears and blood spent to make a world where I can shrug at gender. Not just as a past to avoid repeating, but as … respect for the pain that birthed the now.”

They motion with their other hand, fingers curled inwards—the mug and teapot sitting, long abandoned, on the bench.

Suki yawns, presses her trembling lips together and waits.

“We need books of names and definitions, and we need books of stories. Our futures and hopes written on the page. Stories of the past that we’re hoping become … incredulous. We need the stories of those who wept. We can’t forget.” They turn to glance at Suki before speaking in a voice marred by quivering: “May I write down your story? So I can understand—so we can understand, all those who come after?”

They won’t offer power. They can’t violently remake a world so wrought against her. They don’t provide resolution to the ache felt by a woman struggling with the community who need her to help them bear and understand theirs. They haven't a solution.

They offer direction, one balancing their hopes for the future with the harms of the present. A direction that doesn’t make her feel like a relic to be cast aside but a paving stone at the road’s beginning, one small part of ensuring the steady, continuing passing of feet and wheels.

Moll’s suggestion is why she believes in the concept of the Sojourner, even though she can’t make herself ascribe to certainty in god.

“I don’t mean to be impudent—”

“Never cluck when you’re doing a bitchy old woman a kindness.” Suki draws a shaking breath of her own. “I’d … like that. Very much. Thank you.”

At first, she thinks Moll’s expression—a slight curve of lips, only a smile by comparison—speaks more of relief than happiness. No. Don’t they also straddle a complex and confused struggle to build their place? Don’t they also feel the sacred power in their service? Aren’t they also in need of friendship?

“May I ask—” Moll stops themself, raising a palm. “Why did you talk to me, at the beginning, as though guiding a priest? Why didn’t you talk about this straight out?”

Suki grins at both the correction and the question. “I’m the Guide. What else do you think I’m going to do?”

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chochmah-binah-daas · 6 years

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The months since elul 5777 has been a hugely transitional time for me for so many reasons. I’ve been meaning to write about this since, well, late elul, early tishrei but I never had the energy to do so. I broke this up into chunks for easier reading but this is still quite an essay…

I know this is long but please like if you read even a part of this and if you have any insights or advice to offer me, my askbox is open and I’d love some support of any kind!!

Children

I always wrote off the idea of having children, even to the point of being one of those people who thought it was funny to be somewhat hostile towards kids. I did have some legitimate reasons for this, mostly sensory issues, being that I’m autistic and am sensitive to many sensory experiences; however, most of it was me just stubbornly holding onto a general distaste for children. Through the course of my retail job, I found myself more and more warming up to the kids who came into the store to the point where I would go out of my way to make faces and wave at babies at the expense of doing my actual job (not to worry, my job was literally completely ineffective). As I realized just after the High Holy Days began, I didn’t just not hate children anymore, I liked them. I actively like and desire to have children now.

If someone had asked me if I really thought I never wanted kids, I would pretty adamantly say I didn’t, though sometimes I’d admit that I could see myself maybe adopting one child in the future. Now it actively pains me that I don’t have children. Plural. Children. My only image of my future self is me, happily married and raising at least 3 or 4 good Jewish children.

I’m only 23 so I know that I’m not expected by secular society to have kids but seeing my more observant Jewish cousins around my age pursuing marriage really gets me down a lot of the time. I want nothing more right now than to marry a nice gay Jewish man and adopt a few kids. This leads me to my next sections…

Career goals

I never settled on one single thing I wanted to do with my life. I was one of those kids who, probably due to being autistic, was always getting deeply invested in something and then flitting off to another after a couple months. For the last year or two I did have a decent idea in my head that I wanted to get a Master’s of Library and Information Science degree and work in a library or archive. I’m good at that kind of work. It allows me to be quiet and a bit neurotic about my workstation because I’d largely be working alone, away from the general public and most of my coworkers.

After my graduation, my mom and grandma suggested that I consider going to law school. I agreed to at least take the LSAT, which I will be doing in February and oy am I nervous!! My mom, who went to law school, says that she thinks I’d be great at it, that my mind is so well-suited to that type of thinking. I don’t disagree with her but I also can’t imagine myself doing anything with a law degree.

In fact, I can’t imagine myself doing anything in the future. People think I’m joking, but I really do just want to marry someone with a steady, well-paying job and be a house-spouse. I have a deep passion for learning but I have no passion for an actual career that comes along with any path of study. In a perfect world where my mental illness didn’t destroy my ability to read, I would love to go get an MLIS and/or a law degree. I’d even consider going to a yeshiva and studying Torah, Talmud, contemporary Jewish issues, all that. But once I’m out of school, I have no clue what I’d do besides sit at home with all that knowledge swirling around in my head.

Education is never a waste in my opinion, but also formal education is expensive and I’d never be able to afford it without having a prospective career in my future to provide the income for paying off the student loans.

Gender

I never understood the concept of gender. All I know is what language I’m comfortable with, how I like dressing, and what I want my body to be. I am AFAB (assigned female at birth) and I medically transitioned through hormones, chest surgery, and a hysterectomy. My pronouns are they/them or he/him. I am now legally male with a traditionally male name. On most days, I enjoy wearing skirts though I do occasionally choose to wear pants. I could never be cis-passing unless I stuck with wearing pants all the time, which would make me very uncomfortable. If you asked me to get dressed without thinking about it at all, my first choice would be to throw on a skirt, t-shirt, and cardigan. It’s comfortable, psychologically and sensory.

None of this changed during elul 5777; what did change was how my gender and my Judaism were connected. Before, they weren’t. Now, I am working on becoming shomer tznius which involved a major overhaul of my wardrobe, particularly the skirts and dresses. I got rid of almost all of my short and revealing articles unless they could be easily layered and bought a lot of long skirts, three quarter sleeve shirts, cardigans, and other tznius layering essentials.

When it comes to my religious observance, I mix and match though I do mostly connect with the mitzvos for men. In shul and at home, I prefer not to light the shabbos candles if there is a woman who would be able to do it instead. I wear tallis and tefillin to daven and I leyn torah. But I also enjoy occasionally wearing a tichel and being the one who cooks for shabbos, plus the aforementioned movement towards being shomer tznius.

Religious observance

I currently attend, and work for, a Reform shul. I adore my community and the rabbi there. It’s such a loving and supportive community with a small but fantastic group of regulars at Torah study. I’m fortunate in that my community has no problem with the way I present myself. They accept me as a queer Jew who expresses their queerness and their Jewishness in a unique way. But I worry about how other Jewish communities might react towards me, especially since I can see myself being much more observant than I currently am.

Ideally, I would have a kosher kitchen and fully observe shabbos. I would live close enough to walk to shul and I would make sure to raise my children with a strong Jewish identity, and of course a Jewish education. I don’t know if I could have that kind of life while being involved in a Reform community, largely because they don’t tend to celebrate every holiday and also when they do, it can be too lax for my tastes. For example, even in the winter our shabbos services don’t start until 6 or 7 PM, a solid 2 or so hours after shabbos actually begins.

As a queer Jew, who is very obviously gender nonconforming, I don’t know how I would fit into a more traditional community that would probably be more regimented in its separation of genders into a binary. I wear tallis and tefillin when I daven but I would be seen as a woman by some men so I would be immediately singled out as an other. I do wear skirts but I also have a deep voice and facial hair (and my name is Zack) so I’m automatically too male for women-only spaces. Not that I feel entitled to men- or women-only spaces, but I do fear how I could become more observant, when doing so tends to mean an increase in that kind of separation.

Relationships

This is probably the trickiest and most personal portion of this whole shpiel. I’m currently… somewhat in a relationship, I guess? When I transferred to HSU, I thought I was aromantic-asexual and I have since realized that I am neither of those and now identify as someone generally attracted to men. But soon after starting at HSU, I met someone else who identifies as aro-ace and we became really close friends, hanging out all the time in one of our dorm rooms. They were in a non-romantic, queer-platonic relationship with two people and suddenly, they started including me in this relationship. I didn’t mind this so much at the beginning but the more I come to understand my identity and my vague goals and dreams for the future, the more I realize that I just can’t go where I want to go in life and be tied to this relationship.

I know that the longer this goes on, the worse it will be to break it off but I’m terrified to do so, for various reasons I don’t want to get into here. As I said earlier, I want to marry a Jewish guy and have Jewish kids and live a Jewish life. I obviously can’t do that in a household with two pagans and a Catholic, none of whom want kids at all. I know I’m probably becoming one of Those Converts who gets super zealous about Judaism and defensive of their Jewishness but over the last year or so, and especially since elul, I have had this image in my head that I just can’t shake. And that image doesn’t include the people I currently feel tied down to.

#jumblr #jewish observance #Jewish conversion #frumblr #judaism

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stimtoybox · 7 years

Text

Member Applications!

After thinking, experimenting and much hair-pulling (not figuratively or metaphorically) I have come to the obvious conclusion that this blog is too much for one disabled person to handle. Part of being multiply disabled is the two-for-one package of knowing first hand why accessibility is important and having decreased ability to practice it, so I need to bring on a team who can help me do this and bring you all a better blog, since my chronic pain is getting in the way of allowing me to do all this and anything else.

I’m after two or three people who can help me with taking the many wonderful stim toy posts floating around Tumblr and can add the resource information that means other people have to do the least amount of scrolling, clicking or researching: image descriptions, direct links to the product in question, prices, alternate sellers, archival tags (I’ll post on how I do this), any seller or product advisory notes. I’d like at least two people to share the workload - so that this becomes something done a few hours a week, not an every day job. I try to run on a queue with a buffer of a few weeks, so there is no requirement to be on Tumblr every day to do this.

This should allow me more spoons for messages, HTML coding the tags pages, asks and my own reviews and tutorials.

Because I am not particularly good at shared projects and because this sort of thing is so far outside my comfort level it’s laughable, please understand that I won’t be granting admin status until I’m more comfortable with this as a shared blog. At this stage, I’d be posting private lists of posts to be formatted and queued and leaving you to post those to the queue, or asking you to save anything cool you find to draft which I can then add to the list.

If this interests you, please check below the read more cut for more information on the kind of people I’m looking for and how to apply:

The Non-Negotiable Mod Attributes List

Adulthood. (Tumblr users over the age of eighteen.) This is because I don’t show my follower list and do allow NSFW blogs to follow me if they don’t practice certain kinds of kink and refrain from interaction. (My belief is that knowledge should be accessible for everyone.) I cannot allow a minor to have access to the activity page.

A willingness to be exposed to NSFW blog titles and avatars on the activity page. I only ask that people who engage in kinks that mirror non-consent and cg/l-type blogs (basically: things that trigger me) don’t follow, which means that active kink and gore blogs who abide by my no-interaction rule do follow me. Again, I don’t want to restrict knowledge.

(While I have a list of people I’d prefer not to follow me, I only actively block, in addition to the above who ignore my right to consent, spammers, individuals I know to be unsafe for the community for various reasons and a few notorious discoursers. I will always listen to you on the matter of blocking someone who is unsafe for you, but I want it to be plain that the activity page is not a safe space.)

Neurodiversity. This place is for ND people and about ND people, and I’d like it to remain run by ND people. You absolutely do not have to be autistic.

People who aren’t REGs/TERFs/exclusionists. This is for my comfort, as a pan aro-ace agender/trans person. It breaks my heart that I must mention this on a stim toy information blog, but discourse’s roots reach everywhere, and I really don’t want to have to develop a relationship with someone knowing we have such wildly differing beliefs on something that hurts me.

(If you blog on a platform of hate for another group, even if said group isn’t mentioned above, I kindly ask that you don’t apply.)

A no-gatekeeping attitude as to which ND people can stim or which ND people should be prioritised in stimming. I’m deeply uncomfortable with conversations on who can’t use the word “stim” or arguments that autistics should be centred in stim spaces. I hope this space is more about unity among stimmers than divisiveness, and I’d like to keep on working to make this so.

Awareness of accessibility. I want this space to serve as many stimmers as possible, and that includes otherwise-disabled stimmers who have difficulty accessing or interacting with information. I absolutely do not know myself all I should about this: I’m just asking for an ability to keep learning.

Reasonable English expression. I would prefer capital letters to begin a sentence, basic punctuation and some sense of when to paragraph. This is also for accessibility: I struggle to read text without capital letters beginning sentences, can’t read all-bolded text and can’t parse long block paragraphs.

(Perfect adherence to English style conventions is often ableist, racist and classist, but some adherence in communication makes it easier for people to derive information without struggle.)

A willingness to check the tags pages for already-used tags before tagging, hunt down direct links and check listings for shipping information, further item details or purchasing information. I spend a lot of time doing this. I’m trying to make the informative posts on this blog contain the basic information people need with a minimum of clicking or searching in the most accessible possible way.

An interest in stim toys. You don’t have to know much about them, because I didn’t before starting this blog, but please have an interest in stim toys and stimming!

Optional Mod Attributes

I’d like to have a North American mod and a European or UK mod at least, if possible, as this broadens our knowledge base.

Queue Wrangler Duties

The addition of image descriptions, links, product details, additional source information and archival tags to posts on my list before adding them to the queue.

Observation of any accessibility/advisory issues about a listing or tutorial - no alt text (I check images using Firebug on Firefox, but that requires the ability to read basic HTML), no captions/descriptions, sound of video, holes that merit a trypophobia tag, etc. I don’t do this perfectly myself and don’t expect perfection from you, but the attempt is awesome.

(If you can’t do or observe certain things because disability, that isn’t a problem.)

The saving of posts to the draft folder – if you happen across something that can be informative with a little work, save it to the draft folder. If you find a great video, a post somewhere not Tumblr, a tutorial, a new store? Anything you think is new, approaches something old in a new way or just too awesome not to share? Save it to the draft folder. I truly want you to help out in finding cool things!

(I ask you to draft it because that way if someone else spotted it, we don’t double-up. My job is to keep track of what’s been posted already, and I can easily delete anything added twice.)

If you happen across a giveaway, sale or other time-sensitive post and have checked the blog to make sure someone else hasn’t tackled it already, please add a description and anything else informative and tag and post it immediately. The sooner these go up, the better, so I’d be very glad for you to post these as you see them.

Patience with me. You’re dealing with a perfectionistic, possessive writer and blogger who fell into this strange thing of having a community blog and is woefully unprepared for it. I’m learning all this on the fly and I’m probably going to make more mistakes than you ever will.

Please note that I do prefer some post formatting ability (for example, in-text hyperlinks, not pasted URLs). This might be extremely nitpicky, but I’m an editor and text designer myself. Neat text makes my soul happy.

Additional

Please write and queue your own reviews, informative posts and tutorials! If you want my watermark so it looks official, it’s yours. If you’d rather post to your own blog and reblog it here, that’s also awesome. I’d very much like to have your thoughts about stim toys made accessible to our followers, so please join in on talking about toys.

I’d also like a bio and any links pertinent to you that we can add to a team page on the sidebar.

If you have a store, an art blog, a book, a website, anything SFW that we can promote to thank you for your work, we’ll post it. I’m sure our lovely followers won’t mind a few non-toy Promotional Sunday posts in return for your efforts here.

Interested?

Send me a submission (it will not be posted) from your main/primary blog answering the following questions:

User name:

Include that of your secondary blog, too, if you think I’ll better know you that way. If you want to be known a certain way, mention this, too.

(Please do this. I know your primary blog user name is already attached to the submission. Write it out for me again anyway.)

Age:

This can be general: mid 20s, 50+. Just indicate to me in some way that you’re not a minor.

Nationality/region:

Tell me where you’re living. You absolutely do not have to give away identifying information.

About:

Tell me about yourself in a paragraph or two - anything you think I need to know or should know. Pronouns, neurodiversity, why you like stim toys, why you think you’ve got patience enough to deal with me, what you had for breakfast, what makes you happy, your special interests/hyperfixations, what you do at school or work, why you want to help out a stim toy blog. Anything. This lets me get to know you a little better!

Show me your work:

Link me to a post containing an image description (anything; it doesn’t have to be a stim toy) written by you so I can see how you do it.

Content restrictions:

Do you have any content you cannot, should not or would not interact with? GIFs, loud videos, moving anything, items with holes, images including hands... Listing these things means that I don’t hand you a list of videos when you can’t hear them or a list of GIF posts when GIFs give you seizures. Inform me so I can better help you, please.

Anything else:

If there’s anything else about you that you think I should know, tell me.

Applications will be open until midnight April 26 AEST (Australian Eastern Standard Time) or GMT+10.

Thank you, my followers, for all you’ve done to help me out. I truly appreciate it.

#text #off topic #mod chatter #not a toy #long post #very long post #mod K.A.

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aroworlds · 6 years

Note

hello! i hope you don’t mind a q: ive id’d as aro for so long id rather talk to a community than a q&a blog. basically, ive been in a qpr for about 6mo with a rly lovely person. im happy and were communicating a lot, but im finding that as the initial stronger “honeymoon” feelings settle down, im becoming more confused abt how love feels or what im “supposed” to be feeling in a qpr. do you have insight? also idm if you toss this to other followers instead of using spoons to respond personally

Oh, anon, I understand that, so no worries. I don’t follow any 101/ask-styleblogs for any of my identities because so many conversations are on alevel of identity exploration no longer relevant to me.

I will say that I am not the world’s most experienced person when it comesto relationships, so I encourage folks who feel that they relate to your wordsto comment away, because your personal experience is much more important thanmy rambling. (And thanks for being such a dear about my spoons!)

I will also say, more for other people reading this post than for you, anon,that I consider thispost by @aroacepagans and thispost by @aphobephobe essential reading on the subject of queerplatonicrelationships, especially in terms of exploring what QPRs are and how theyfunction as a response to amatonormativity. These posts convey a note of “QPRsdescribe non-amatonormative relationships that fit the needs of theparticipants as opposed to the amatonormative mold of participants shaped tofit the relationship” that form the backbone of how I understand a QPR.

Anon, I am wary of words like “should” and “supposed”.

They’re words I tend to say unthinkingly: I should feel this, I shouldn’twant this, I’m supposed to do this more easily, I’m supposed tounderstand, I’m not supposed to be confused. They’re words that compareourselves to an illusion of experience and leave us wanting, and the goodpsychologists I’ve worked with made interrupting noises every time I spokethem. Yes, Western society has a raft of rules about how to be human that itexpects me to live up to, but are those rules right and fair? Do theyacknowledge my limitations and struggles and differences, or do they make me feel bad about being shoved in a box that doesn’t fit me? Is there anything about the litany of shouldand supposed that allows us to regard ourselves, as we truly are, withkindness and compassion?

Are we truly supposed to feel anything? Or is it kinder to let go ofthe idea that we are supposed to feel in any specific way, to giveourselves space to feel as we do?

What is love, then? What does it feel like? Whatever love is or howmuch it matters, no two people are going to have the same answer orunderstanding on how it works, what it feels like to experience and howimportant it is to possess it or understand it. I find love to be anebulous concept at best, and I don’t use it as a basis for defining how I careabout other people. I come across as that heartless aro autistic byalloromantic and allistic norms because I cannot perform socially-centred love, but I find peace in centring things I better understand, likegratitude, connection and compassion. Other people will feel differently ofcourse, but I think it proves that there is no universal understanding of whatlove is, its importance or the ways in which it operates and is expressed (justas there’s no true universalunderstanding of what romance is or how it operates).

If love is an individualised experience, even though society pushes theillusion it isn’t, is there any way to determine what it’s “supposed” to feellike or when I’m “supposed” to feel it, even if/when it’s non-romantic?

The aro-spec community looked at the amatonormative mould of romanticattraction and love as universal, said no, that doesn’t work for us, andthen developed a relationship model that ignores it. For this reason, as weknow what it means to be erased by a model that doesn’t serve us, it seems tome that determining how we’re supposed to feel love in a QPR undermines thespirit of naming QPRs in the first place.

I will push for QPRs to be individualistic at heart, defined by the peoplewithin them, with limitless possibilities for what their love/connection looks like andhow relevant love/connection is to those involved. If you are in a QPR, anon? If you andyour partner are content? Then your love is enough, and your love is right forthat QPR, and there is no need for a map of supposed to shove you onto apre-existing road. You can build your own, designed for the relationship you’rein.

Unlike a romantic relationship, that’s a scary thing: there’s no outline ofprogression, no map to follow, no pre-marked stops on the route ahead of you,fewer folks who can advise you. There’s fewer narratives on what a QPR maylook like long-term, where you might end up, or what this relationship mightbecome under stress or tension—or how to keep a QPR together under thoseforces. I have a feeling, anon, that this is from where your ask may be coming,and that’s a weight all aro-specs bear in varying ways, this sense that we’rewalking paths nobody has travelled before us. You’re not alone in it, andyou’re right to struggle with it (I know I do!) but I don’t think there’s anyanswer for you in my positing what your love or any other feelings in a QPR is “supposed” to be.

(I’d love to see discussions about folks in longer-term QPRs and howthey deal with tensions and outside stresses on and within their relationship,especially for situations when romantic relationships serve as no usefulguideline or parallel. We need more mature conversations on QPRs that gowell beyond their inception and focus instead on the long-term building andthe sustaining of them under social and amatonormative pressures.)

If you’re concerned, anon, ask your partner. Talk about what it is you feel,ask what they feel. Talk about what love means to you and them, talk about whata QPR means to you and them, talk about the lack of social narrative to guideyou both and how that impacts you and them, talk about this feeling that youdon’t know what you’re “supposed” to feel in terms of love in a QPR, talkabout expectations and dreams and needs, talk. I'd be surprised if your partnerisn’t feeling some of this, too, and it’s so much easier to endure the pressureof “supposed” when you’ve got someone to share it with!

I don’t believe that there’s any kind of love or other feelings we’re “supposed” to feel in aQPR, and I’d never draw lines for you or anyone else on that point. All I cando is validate you in my belief that if your love or connection is accepted and valued by you and your partner, that’s all that matters.

#anon #ask #text #not media #QPR #queerplatonic #relationships #amatonormativity in relationships #long post #very long post #mod k.a.#personal #love #amatonormativity #discussion post

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aroworlds · 6 years

Note

What is your opinion on characters who have no love at all (not just romantic love, but all kinds)? Obviously, they're often demonized (*cough*Voldemort*cough*), but if they aren't could they work without being inherently arophobic? I (an aro) am thinking of writing a story where a character loses their ability to love and Doesn't React Well, but eventually learns to accept it. Should I go through with that? If so, are there particular arophobic tropes to avoid?

I am somewhat biased in that I’ve written an aro character who means “all love” when he says he doesn’t love (and this is explored further and more explicitly in his future stories) so, as someone who has a complicated relationship to love myself, bring them on.

I am so tired of seeing “love” billed as the ultimate indicator of a “good” character while “inability to love” is the ultimate indicator of “evil”–despite the fact that some of the most difficult things I have endured came about from someone else’s love. If relatives bullied me and friends-who-wanted-to-be-boyfriends stalked me despite and because of their ability to love, why should an inability to love mean anything when love just as often motivates cruelty? In my opinion, there is nothing inherently misrepresentative of aro-specs in a character’s inability to love–just the social tangle of ableism and aromisia and amatonormativity from other people in unquestioned assumptions that ability to love makes a protagonist. Why should it?

I talk more about autism-coding than aromisia in the following, but a lot of negative/stereotypical autism-coding is applied to aro-specs (or characters coded as aromantic) because Western society in its unquestioned ableism deems autistics as a handy pre-existing representation of “heartless” and “inhuman”. I’ve also got a second ask on a similar subject that talks about idealised representation in writing a single character versus writing multiple characters of that identity, anon, so please consider this the first half of my response as opposed to the entirety. Everything I say in response to the second ask will be relevant to you as well.

Ableism is an element here: autistic folks are often deemed unable to love, often just from an inability to perform love to allistic (non-autistic) expressive standards. There’s also an unchallenged, subtle antagonism towards survivors of abuse from family members/close partners, in that our possible questioning or dismissal of love can be a sign we haven’t “recovered” enough or are even resisting “recovery”–only when we “learn to love again” do stories award us our happy ending. Love, tied to very narrow experiences/performances (and so often amatonormative ones), is seen as the end goal of being or becoming a non-monstrous human, and while society needs to question romantic love as being the marker of a worthy hero, it also needs to question all forms and expressions of love as being said marker. If love has the capability to be as damaging and violent as anything else, why do we persist under the illusion that it still makes those who can more human than those who can’t?

I do agree with you that, if this loss of ability is sudden, your character shouldn’t react well, unless they live in a world where love just isn’t socially prized. They shouldn’t, because we’re exposed to millions of narratives that say an inability to love (or perform love to appropriate allistic standards) is to make us monstrous, and that’s a hard thing to bear. (How many aros do we see insisting that they still love platonically? That they still have close friends and adore their family? That their love makes them human and undeserving of hate, not any other quality?) I would make sure your character has a sense of these narratives and show their responses to them, because I can tell you that they’re constantly running through my head! They’re going to have a hell of an internalised tangle of what makes a good person to work through, and I’d try as much as possible to show this process as your character’s arc to acceptance. Even kind, considerate friends and relatives, used to love as a marker of being human, may treat your character’s inability as monstrous (especially if they attempt to talk about it). The more you can show this, the more you can challenge this idea of love as universal.

(For example, your character might try even harder to be empathic or supportive or compassionate, absolutely breaking themselves on their service to other people to prove they’re not a hateful person, because there’s no narrative about love not being a requirement for decency. Their character arc might be learning to look after themself, to accept that they don’t need to hurt themself by excessively performing compassion for others to “make up” for their lack of love. Acceptance, for this character, could be allowing themself to withdraw to a better balance of compassion that also acknowledges and values their own needs and limitations.)

I would be cautious in how you show this lack of love in your character, especially if you’re leaning towards indicating it by flat effect, lack of facial expressions, difficulty connecting with others, a tendency to withdrawal or isolation, difficulty with empathy, monotone voice, etc. All of this, of course, is stereotypical autism-coding (in addition to stereotypical aro/ace-coding) because that is the unquestioned, unchallenged ableist narrative we are taught–that we autistics cannot love because we don’t perform it same way allistics do. (I would argue that autistics have the same potential for love as anyone else; we just show it in very different ways.) There really is no reason to assume that any of these behaviours inherently indicate a lack of love besides ableism. You may not be thinking of this at all, but it’s such an unquestioned assumption in Western society that autistic-coded, robotic, distant behaviours are symptomatic of inability to love, so I mention this just in case.

I’d recommend taking the time to ask yourself: how does love impact our behaviours and relationships? Does love drive us to drop a few dollars into a homeless man’s hat? Does love drive us to modify how we speak and behave for the comfort of strangers or acquaintances? Does love make us laugh at a work mate’s not-funny joke or praise a casual friend’s creativity? Because I will posit, as I have for a long time, that love is (and should be) less important in driving us than compassion, and that is vital to recognise in writing a sympathetic character who does not/cannot love.

In antagonists like Voldemort, love isn’t the only thing thrown out the window in determining his villainy. A whole tangle of things like compassion, sympathy, empathy, kindness, consideration, acceptance, an unwillingness to violence, an unwillingness to hatred, tolerance, respect and appreciation are tossed out with it, all unthinkingly bundled together under the one word. In sympathetic characters or protagonists, we need to be aware of all the things usually and erroneously associated with love, because we can’t throw all of them out the window.

I suspect that a carefully-written sympathetic character who doesn’t love will show this inability less through actions and behaviours readable to onlookers and more through internal narrative and responses to other characters’ assumptions that love drives us all. I am looking at writing a character who comes to acknowledge that he doesn’t love but still acts through compassion or respect so, from the outside, it’s difficult to tell the difference. Inside, though, there may be a mess of pain and self-hate at losing something we’re supposed to have to be (according to the stories) a non-monstrous human. This approach, especially for allistic/non-autistic characters, will avoid any unfortunate implications or coding.

When or if other characters find out, you can show how they differently treat the character before knowing they’re unable to love and after, because I suspect a stated inability to love may go far, in the eyes of some characters, to erase the protagonist’s acts of compassion and respect. Conversely, I’m also having side characters tell my protagonist that he does love because he’s helping his brother remake the world, which is another cross he’ll have to bear despite his position that love isn’t something he feels or desires. One approach is to dismiss a character’s humanity even though their behaviour proves it; the other dismisses a character’s right to understand and identify their own feelings and experiences.

If your character is autistic, the approach will be different in terms of how allistics read them and associate behaviours with capability of love, but this will need careful handling. I will also say if a sudden inability to love is related to enduring sexual or familial violence, this too should be handled carefully. Even without either element, there is a good chance that readers who have not questioned the idea that “love is what makes us human” may take a non-magical/futuristic reason for abruptly losing love to be sending a bad message (and even more so if your story does reference either). I’d be sure to communicate the fact that society’s assumptions about love being the marker of a good person make it easy to excuse a whole lot of violence wrought in its name–in other words, break down the assumptions about love for your readers so they can contextualise your character in this light.

(When I start specifically talking about my protagonist’s pondering of love, there’s a lot of reflection on the damaging acts he and his family wrought in love, where love for him drove his people and whether it is something he should desire or value going forwards.)

If you keep all that in mind, though? I think you’ll be okay, because I do not believe that writing a character who doesn’t love is any expression of aromisia if we discuss and discard the assumption that we must love to be human.

I have a desperate want to see characters more like me in fiction, anon. If you hold tight to the ways your character expresses compassion, respect and tolerance, and keep an eye on the risk of autistic-coding (and consequent negative aro-coding) in how their behaviours may express their lack of love, and work to break down your readers’ assumptions about love as primary, I don’t think you’ll have a problem. We definitely need narratives that end with acceptance–that show a character’s realisation that we are not monstrous because we cannot love.

This is an important, valuable message, and in this area I do love without complication or hesitation: I’d love to read it in a story, anon.

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aroworlds · 6 years

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Could you talk a bit about amatonormativity and how it related to you? I know the 101 (aka the definition), but I have trouble identifying it in real life, discussing how it permeates in fiction, etc. and this is kinda weird but I think an informed discussion about it would help? IDK feel free to ignore it if you don't have the spoons for it, but if you want to it would be a huge help!

Anon, I told you this was going to be long, but … well, it’s long!

The problem is that amatonormativity is a wall I keep hurling myself against, as an aro and as an aro creative, and there isn’t much conversational space where I am permitted to go all out in talking about it. I fear discussing this with too much vehemence, to go beyond the hand-holding 101 conversations about being aro, in case I alienate the alloromantic folks who do support me. Alloromantic people aren’t interested in conversations that undermine their sense of the world, and aro-spec spaces are small; both things together result in silence.

Because of this, I think it’s reasonable that this is something hard to grasp, for aro-spec and alloromantic folks alike: the educative conversations are hard to find or don’t exist. When you add to the fact that for the last two years a-spec people have been fighting targeted hate, that our conversations have fallen back to claws-out defence or the shield of validation, how the hell are we supposed to understand our own experiences, especially something as-yet-unquestioned as the practical impact of amatonormativity?

I hope you don’t mind, but because this is so long, I’m going to concentrate on amatonormativity in media and its impact on me as a creative.

In terms of fictional media, I think amatonormativity shows itself most obviously in the concept of a happy ending–that two people in a romantic relationship is by far the most common variant. No, not all stories end witha romantic happy ending, but so many do, even if it’s only a romantically-happy-for-now ending. Think Disney films; think action films shoving in an unnecessary romantic side-plot because the hero gets the girl once the explosions are over; think every story where the guy got the girl for reasons we the audience are expected to accept without question.

Likewise, a film with a tragic or unhappy ending is often shown by a protagonist not falling in romantic love or the dissolution of a romantic relationship. While there are other forms of indicating tragedy, the lack of a romantic paring for a character expected to be in one is common. There’s a reason Romeo and Juliet has long been framed as a tragic romance even though the tragedy, I’d argue, lies more in the impact of feuding families on the next generation, not the death of two young people in a “star-crossed” romance.

Even genres that aren’t romantic in the sense that romance isn’t the focus of the plot will still include sexual and romantic tension between characters: many of the crime and thriller novels I’ve read, supposedly less romantic because they target a cishet male audience, devote a great many pages to depicting romantic relationships nonetheless. The majority of YA novels depict the development of romantic relationships (which is why I kept reading middle-grade books even when I was too old for them) and even low-romance adult fiction still has the protagonists having had or desiring a romantic relationship at some point. So many literary works deal with the breakdown of romantic relationships, affairs, being single, unrequited love, or the way dangerous or alien environments, or the tyranny of distance, places stresses on romantic partnerships. These often won’t have purely happy endings–often tragic or complicated–because they’re Literary, but they’re just as obsessed with romantic love as any romance novel. In constantly going on about romance’s failure without ever making the point that someone can be happy and self-fulfilled without it, literary works are as amatonormative as anything else.

Romantic love and relationships don’t have to be successful: we just have to show a character desiring these or struggling with these, just so the audience knows that the protagonist is human. Characters who are shown as disdaining romance, or being uninterested in it, are usually antagonistic characters who are beyond redemption, are aliens or robots, or are coded as robotic–characters who are literally inhuman or portrayed as such. There’s a reason that The Big Bang Theory’s Sheldon Cooper becomes a kinder, more “normal”, less-autistic-coded man the more he falls in romantic love with Amy, despite being introduced as extremely aroace-coded, and it’s called amatonormativity.

This is the point in the post where we aro-specs are giving the world that long, pained stare, and for good reason.

Romantic love as a marker of human worth is the most succinct way I can describe the impact of amatonormativity. It’s not a flawless summary, but so often romance is treated as a universal concept, relevant to all, because Western society uses the possession of or desire for romantic love as an indicator of a person’s humanity. Romantic love makes us human, and so romantic love is everywhere, unquestioned and unassailable.

Elements of a more expanded sense of amatonormativity include:

- The idea that romantic attraction, love and relationships are universal to the human experience (predominantly a relationship encompassing, exclusively, one perisex heterosexual-and-heteromantic cis man and one perisex heterosexual-and-heteromanticcis woman).

- The idea that romantic love is the primary form of love and all other forms, once one gains a certain level of socially-acceptable maturity or adulthood, are naturally secondary.

- The idea that romantic love and relationships are relatable to and attainable by all, and any failure to relate to it or attain it is a personal or moral failing.

- The idea that people who do not experience, attain or desire a romantic partnership are, after a certain age, childish or childlike, immature, robotic, alien, inhuman.

- The idea that sex (especially non-heterosexual or non-vanilla sex) is only acceptable, for a person of high moral character, when it comes paired with romantic love. (Characters who have sex without romantic love are often coded as grasping, hateful, calculating, predatory.)

- The idea that the attainment of romantic love and relationships is a marker of character development, growth, adulthood or redemption.

- The idea that because romantic love and relationships are universal, to not depict them in media is to render one’s work childish or uninteresting. (Every aro-spec creator of narrative media knows the impact of this one.)

- The idea that the lack of romantic love or relationships, or the desire for these, is an indicator of a person of low moral character.

- The unquestioned idea that romance sells, accompanied with the assumption that the inclusion of romance in a work (or the story-arc of a protagonist) is a necessary part of making that work (or character) appealing to all audiences.

- No comprehension that romantic attraction can be felt and experienced in a diversity of ways and strengths, particularly with regards to fluctuation, intensity and circumstance.

- Very little comprehension of the difference between romantic attraction and romantic behaviours.

- An assumption that there is a certain set of behaviours that are only or best experienced with romantic attraction. (Engaging in these behaviours without romantic attraction is also often coded as predatory.)

Please note that all these discussions of romance are based on an alloromantic model: romance in and of itself is not inherently amatonormative. Aro-spec people’s experiences of romantic love and relationships do not fit the above because they do not and cannot assume that everyone fits this assumption of romantic attraction being a universal, unquestioned human. If your depiction of romance doesn’t assume that romance makes us a worthy human and everyone experiences it, it’s probably not amatonormative.

There’s heavy overlap with ableism, misogyny, heterosexism, whoremisia, etc, and this must be acknowledged. Amatonormativity hits hard on its own, but it seldom hits alone. More often it’s paired up with another form of oppression, which means people who better fit its norms can deny its existence by claiming the problem is due only to amatonormativity’s current partner.

Additionally, most mainstream amatonormative works are going to be about cishet romances (the romantic relationship between a cis heterosexual man and a cis heterosexual woman, presumed to be perisex and both alloromantic and allosexual). Women are far more subject to the need to be shown in romantic relationships than men; men are more often allowed to travel through the narrative without being subject to a romance, although most are shown as at least desiring it. Each experience of marginalisation is going to shape in different ways how amatonormativity impacts us, and this needs to be discussed (especially because if we don’t, antagonists deny the existence of amatonormativity altogether).

(I will say that amatonormativity and misogyny have a strange relationship in that excessive romance is treated as feminine and emotional, and denigrated because of it. We all know how literature is valued and respected over fanworks and genre romance. Cishet men, meanwhile, have a long history of treating the having of a romantic partner as a trap–phrases like “ball and chain” with regards to a wife, for example. Despite this, there’s still an unquestioned social expectation that men experience romance attraction and have, will have or want a romantic partner.)

I’ll use my experience as a trans aro to give an example of this kind of overlap.

Amatonormativity in LGBTQIA+ media is coloured by the fact that LGBTQIA+ folks have been denied romantically-happy-endings until recently; the rise of fandom and LGBTQIA+ genre media has done much to change this. Yet both are, predominantly, romance narratives, to the extent that there is little space for anything else. This history leaves me in an awkward position. The need for love stories featuring trans characters and trans bodies as worthy of romantic interest and desire is profound. In a world where romantic love is seen as the only kind of love worth talking about, powerful and primary, it’s natural many trans/NB stories are about just that.

I feel like I’m walking on thin ice if I talk about how depicting romance as the only acceptable trans happy ending defines my experience of gender by romantic experiences--and yet that is exactly what I feel. Furthermore, this is a narrative many alloromantic trans people need and deserve. In trying to tell stories about me, an aro trans person, who isn’t a target of romantic love, my stories are seen by alloromantic trans folks as mirroring the narratives that have long harmed trans people, treating us as unlovable. My work cannot provide the validation–that they are desired and loved romantically–alloromantic trans folks are looking for.

The amatonormativity isn’t in the existence of trans romance stories, but the fact there are fewer publishing options, and smaller audiences, for non-romantic/aromantic/gen stories about trans love and identity. The amatonormativity lies in the fact that romantic love for trans characters is the love on which trans genre media centres.

As a reader, I need stories that talk about different kinds of love, love for myself and my own body, a radical self-acceptance that isn’t tied to someone else’s romantic interest in me. Instead, I get stories telling me that I am accepted, as a trans person, if my identity is tied up in experiences I don’t have and don’t desire.

The intersection of amatonormativity and cissexism results in its own peculiar oppression for me as a trans aro, one that I find impossible to navigate in a world where it isn’t understood that romance doesn’t have to be the primary form of expressing love and acceptance for trans characters and even trans bodies. I’ve seen so many posts on my dash about people proclaiming a want for trans storytelling while getting no benefit from this movement because I’m writing about aro trans characters. That’s more than a little disheartening.

This kind of intersection does a lot of damage to aro-spec creators who are otherwise marginalised (so many marginalised experiences come with a heavy dose of we are lovable, our love is important, we deserve the right for our love to be accepted and protected and acknowledged, much of this conversation centred on romantic love) but just being an aro-spec creator who creates aro-spec narrative media comes with an inherent disadvantage that is difficult to surmount.

I’ve got some numbers for this disadvantage, actually. My latest work, The Wind and the Stars, has had fifty downloads in its first month, and I’m actually excited by that, because everything else I’ve posted with the tag “aromantic” has gotten approximately twenty downloads in their first months. A couple of works didn’t break the fifty mark until three or four months in! By contrast, with the same amount of promotion but published under a brand new name with no back catalogue to help (unlike my other works), my explicitly queer paranormal romance story got three hundred downloads in its first month. How am I supposed to provide representation for my community when I don’t have enough interest in my work to justify the work of its production?

The tag aromantic helps guide aro-spec readers, but it actively discourages most alloromantic readers (who exist in far greater number) from reading, and most of them won’t have any comprehension of why. They just see romance as normal and interesting, and anything that subverts this, be it specifically aromantic or just gen, undermines this worldview. It happens so subconsciously it’s near impossible to challenge.

In a way, one of the most damaging aspects of amatonormativity is its lack of recognition. Most people have some understanding, now, on what misogyny is and what harm it might cause, even if one disagrees with it or has a 101 understanding at best. There’s a social model for beginning to understand this. Amatonormativity, on the other hand, has no such basis. It’s so unquestioned that few people who aren’t aro-spec recognise it or need to, and it’s often seen as a lesser problem. As someone who is struggling as a creator because of amatonormativity, to the extent that I don’t know how I can possibly survive as a writer, it angers me to see this treated as less important than other forms of normativity. No, nobody will beat me up on the street as an aro, but if I can’t keep a roof over my head because only a small number of people are reading my free books and I have no belief they’ll buy my next book, how does this distinction matter?

Amatonormativity silences, erases and oppresses aro-spec people. It substantially disadvantages us in how we are seen by others and how we interact with the world around us. And almost nobody outside aro-spec spaces wants to acknowledge it.

Sorry for the rant at the end there, anon. Does this give you some idea on how amatonormativity is demonstrated through media and how it impacts aro-spec creatives?

#anon #ask #text #amatonormativity #amatonormativity in creativity #I will essay at you #long post #very long post #extremely long post #mod k.a.#romance mention #discussion post #romance discussion #creativity discussion posts #aromanticism and intersectionality #not media #support our aro spec creatives if you can

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aroworlds · 6 years

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Are you aro-spec or questioning? Are you creative? If you answer “yes” to both questions, I invite you to participate in our series of Aro-Spec Artist Profiles: interviews with aro-spec creatives on being aro-spec, the aro-spec community and their creativity.

This is a chance for the aro-spec community to get to know, support, celebrate and promote the creators who are the backbone of this blog, while also featuring creative aro-specs whose work doesn’t fit our usual content parameters.

Your creations don’t have to relate in any way to being aro-spec. You can talk website design, crafts, cooking, masonry–any kind of creativity merits a profile! Creators of fanworks are more than welcome to participate, as are independent, emerging and amateur aro-spec creators. If you’ve made anything and you want to talk about it, this is for you!

To participate, all you have to do is copy and paste the following template into a Tumblr submission. Your submission will be formatted into a new post and added to the queue, so depending on my workload, pain levels and the number of other participants, it may take a few days or more to be posted.

Things to consider:

If you’d prefer to not have your primary blog attached to the submission, please submit via anon. You will need an email address to do this, but nobody but the mod will have access to it.

All discussions about your creativity need to be safe for work. You can link to not safe for work content if you advise for this, but everything that can be seen, heard or read (text, images, embedded videos or music clips) on the profile post itself must be SFW.

You may answer as many or as few of the questions as suits you–you do not have to answer them all.

There is no deadline. Participate whenever!

You don’t have to be following this blog. If you list a Tumblr account in your response that can be @ mentioned, you’ll get that alert when I post the profile.

Profiles will be listed on a master page accessible via the description box or sidebar. If you’d prefer not to be listed here, please mention this at the top of your submission.

If you want one of your images to be an author/artist photo, by all means include one.

Profile submissions shouldn’t include any content not allowable in the Unacceptable Content section of the about page.

Much of the introductory section will be rephrased into an introductory paragraph and a links section, so please be aware that it won’t be presented in the profile as you enter it below.

Ready to participate? Copy the following text into a submission and answer away!

Introductory Questions

Name: [Username, pen name or real name, to whatever degree is comfortable.]

Tumblr blog: [If you’re not listing your Tumblr username as your name.]

Tumblr side blogs: [If you have any other blogs you want to promote, go for it.]

Website/other social media: [Link to any website that isn’t Tumblr!]

Patreon, PayPal or Ko-Fi: [Or links for any account to which aros can donate to support your creativity.]

Vendor or publisher links: [Etsy, Amazon, Wattpad: link us anywhere folks can get or find your creative works.]

Creative expertise: [Name the area/s of creativity you want to talk about.]

Aro-spec identities: [Tell us how you are aro-spec.]

Other identities: [If there’s anything else important to how you identify, mention it here. For example, this is where I’d tell people I’m genderless and autistic.]

Pronouns: [This is so I don’t refer to you in third person with the wrong pronoun set, which would be terrible.]

Preferred language/identity words: [For example, I’d say that I prefer the word “person” over “enby” and I do not like language that is historically associated with a binary gender used in reference to me.]

URLs to five (5) images or other embeddable content you wish featured in your profile: [If you have any art examples, cover images, author photos, embeddable videos or visual material, upload it somewhere and paste the URLs here so I can download said images and insert them into the post (or embed the video). Please keep images sized for uploading to Tumblr at 1000 pixels wide or less.]

If you wish, you can embed these images at the top of the submission; I’ll just save them and add them to the post myself. Tumblr can be horribly dodgy about letting you do this, so uploading and linking me may be more effective.

I may do a little Photoshopping in terms of arranging images together, depending on size, dimension and post content (for example, positioning three smaller images together in a row to make a single image easier to place in the post). This will involve the placement of two or more images on a transparent background. I will not change your images in any way.

Conversational Questions

Can you share with us your story in being aro-spec? [Tell us here how you feel, conceptualise or connect to your aro-spec identity, or us how you came to identify as aro-spec. This is not about affirming any traditional aro-spec narrative but celebrating the diversity of aro narrative, identity and experience. It is perfectly okay to have little or no narrative relating to this.]

Can you share with us the story behind your creativity? [Tell us here how you feel, conceptualise or connect to your creative identity, or tell us how and why you came to create what you do. Again, this is not about forcing ourselves into traditional narrative spaces. It is perfectly okay to have little or no narrative relating to this.]

Are there any particular ways your aro-spec experience is expressed in your art? [I am not asking here that your art be aro, although if it is, please discuss it! If you write romance differently because you’re aro, that counts. If you focus more on platonic relationships because you’re aro, that counts. If you really like the colour green because you’re aro, that counts. If your aromanticism doesn’t shape your creativity, tell us that, too.]

What challenges do you face as an aro-spec artist? [You might talk about how amatonormativity, aromisia or aro-antagonism shape, impact or limit you as a creative; or you might talk about how being aro-spec makes it difficult to write romantic attraction. Or something else entirely–whatever speaks to you!]

How do you connect to the aro-spec and a-spec communities as an aro-spec person? [Tell us something about your relationship, as an aro-spec person, to the aro-spec or a-spec communities. It can be love, it can be frustration, it can be a lack of connection or a list of improvements–anything. I think aro-spec folks have a lot of feelings here, so I want to give folks space to discuss this if they choose.]

How do you connect to your creative community as an aro-spec person? [Tell us something about your relationship, as an aro-spec person, to your creative community. Do you feel accepted and understood? Do you feel isolated or erased? For example, I feel extremely alienated from other writers by being aro! There’s important conversational space in discussing how being aro-spec shapes our place in our creative spaces, so feel free to talk here.]

How can the aro-spec community best help you as a creative? [Answers like “reblog my book posts” or “donate to my Patreon” seem pushy, but these are what I’m hoping to get. You’re a marginalised creator in a tiny community, and you need our support. Tell us, freely, how best we can support you, because the idea that creators shouldn’t ask this directly does everyone a disservice.]

Can you share with us something about your current project? [Tell us about your characters, your latest design, something you’ve made, your favourite line, the plot of your comic, anything. Go wild. This does not have to relate in any way to anything aro-spec.]

Have you any forthcoming works we should look forward to? [Tell us what we should get excited about. Provide descriptions, blurbs, teaser trailers, teaser images, sound clips, whatever. If you have links, include them. Go wild. This does not have to relate in any way to anything aro-spec.]

Ready to share with us your creativity? Submit here!

#aro spec artist profiles #mod chatter #text #link #long post #very long post #undescribed #aroworlds #support our aro spec creatives if you can #mod k.a.

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aroworlds · 6 years

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@aromantic-official: Pride Week One, Aromantic Identity

It’s still the first week! We’ll just ignore that I’m posting this on Saturday, okay?

How did you realize you were aro/arospec? How long have you known?

It’s been a few years now, although I’m not sure on precisely how long, since I realised it at a time when I was too ill for blogging, so there’s no internet record of my realising it. I don’t even remember when I happened across it, as my memories of that period (thanks, clinical depression and dissociation) have more holes than Swiss cheese. I have this vague sense there was a lightbulb or eureka! moment after reading something online, but it wasn’t until long after that I put it into words or labelled myself that way.

There wasn’t much conversation outside asexual spaces on being aromantic as separate from asexual until relatively recently, and as someone who didn’t feel myself to be asexual at the time, I didn’t know this was a thing I could be. (I’ve decided since I’m abrosexual, shifting between pansexual, greysexual and asexual.) I had asexual and aro-ace friends and I still didn’t know I could be aro without being ace! For years I was writing so many posts in frustration about how my pansexual and agender/trans identities were only framed in media by romance narratives. I was dreaming of starting a LGBTQIA+ genre fiction press that published non-romantic pieces (it was one of my stated goals in doing my writing course, actually). I was tired and frustrated and alienated by an amatonormative, alloromantic world, and everything I said and wrote was just waiting for the word “aromantic” to identify it.

Have you come out to anyone? Share a coming out story (coming out to yourself also counts)!

I’m out online, everywhere. I’m out to offline friends, but I think they all know me online, or at least enough of me that there was no real coming-out process I had to deal with. I’m not out to my family, oddly enough--or at least I don’t know if they know I am aro, because as a writer, they could easily have jumped on my website and read all about me. My relationship with my family is not the best, and I’ve got a lot of reasons for not trusting them, so I don’t tend to gift them with personal information given how they’ve used it against me in the past. Likewise, if they know things about me, they don’t come forward with it, so it’s this complicated, silent mess.

For being aro, I don’t have any good coming out stories. My writing tends to signal my aromanticism before I have to, be it in my profile, discussion posts on my personal blog or in promoting this blog. For being otherwise LGBTQIA+, most of them are pretty awful, so I’ll stick quite happily with being the kind of person online who doesn’t have to come out.

Sometimes I feel cowardly, for being this person who is so out I’ll never find my way back to Narnia, yet still being so cagey (words like “queer” are useful to me for their lack of specificity) with my relatives. My reasons are good, and my safety matters, but being in the closet, even partially, is a crushing weight. I wish society understood that, how much being in the closet damages you, because it is so tiring to have to talk around my aromanticism with comments like “I don’t like romance much”. I wish I felt safe enough to be completely out.

How/Why is your aromanticism important to you/your identity?

I don’t have a whole identity in the sense of many pieces fitting together to form me; I have more segregated sense of identities that I switch between, although they definitely colour each other (look at the way I can’t not talk about autism here). There are definitely identities more important to me than others, though--autism, agender/trans and aromanticism are definitely the top three identities that come closest to my feeling a sense of me.

I am other things--physically disabled and mentally ill, abuse survivor, abrosexual--but I just happen to be or experience them. Autism, agender/trans and aromanticism are who I am. They’re the words that make sense of who I am in the world and why I feel the way I do. They’re the pillars on which everything else rests, and recognising each one was profound, a relief, so wonderfully sense-making and defining.

What are some misconceptions about aromanticism that bother you?

All the “aros don’t love” and “aros are heartless” nonsense cuts me twice because it draws from a well of rendering aro-specs too inhuman to be allowed, but it does so because we’ve been taught certain behaviours about love and connection, commonly associated with neurodevelopmental disabilities, mental illnesses and abuse survival, are wrong ways to be. As someone who is all of those things and aromantic, it puts me in an untenable situation: I come across as that touch-averse, heartless, love-doesn’t-describe-how-I-feel-about-people, alienated-from-people aro stereotype from a combination of autism and abuse/assault. I see my experiences used to erase or deny me as an aromantic but simultaneously rejected by my own community in their fight against these hurtful assumptions/stereotypes.

The blame for this is squarely on the people who hold these beliefs and use them as a weapon against us, but it is so difficult to experience this sense that I am a monstrous example of everything an aromantic should never be, that I damage my own community just by existing, that my community is fighting back against stereotypes that harm us by rejecting me. Where do I go then, when the autistic community is fighting back against the “autistics don’t love” stereotype by the amatonormativity of insisting on our ability to love romantically? Where do I go as an autistic, mentally ill aro?

Ableism shapes aromisia so very often, and the two twined together as they are hurt me in ways I struggle to describe.

What’s something you like about being aro/arospec? Something you dislike?

I have this profound contentment with this word, this identity, this experience. For me, it’s liberation: I don’t have to shove myself into a box that never fit me. I can just be me. I love not feeling romantic attraction, I love writing aro-spec characters, I love questioning and exploring what constitutes a happy ending, I love the discussions about non-romantic relationships and connections with other people, I love the art other aro-specs are making, I love the way aro-specs are coming together to support each other. I love being aro. There is no way I’d choose not to be aro, just like I’d never choose to have a gender or be allistic.

Everything I dislike is steeped in amatonormativity or aromisia/aro antagonism, not the experience of being aro. I hate, profoundly, how writing characters who are aro like me makes it that much harder to find a supportive and encouraging audience. I hate the lack of categories and visible tags for aro-spec writing. I hate the way gen/low romance/no romance works are seen as childish or uninteresting. I hate the way aro folks are unquestioned targets for hate because nobody wants to listen to us talk for long enough to understand.

I hate how amatonormativity impacts me as a creative so much I made this blog.

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