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tinamaetales · 2 years

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Break Free

A reflection on the k drama “My Liberation Notes”

“What’s harder than living is finding the reason to” – Freedom by iKON

Freedom. Liberation. Deliverance. Discharge. Get Loose. Release. Break Fee. These words all convey the same idea – to be free from something. But when does one feel like they want to get out of something? When does one feel like they are in a state of confinement? As someone who lives in a democratic country with privileges to enjoy, I have never really thought to myself as a captive or detainee of life until I lie alone on my bed one night and feel suffocated. As I looked at the plain ceiling of my bedroom, I realized how overwhelming my life has become. I realized that in my 26 years of existence I was never really satisfied with how I am living my life. And it’s crazy how while writing this paragraph I can already hear people around me saying “You’re just an ungrateful bitch. Others have it worse” But does others’ “worse” situation than me should be enough reason to invalidate what I am feeling? Now, more than ever, I crave for freedom. I want to be free. I want to be liberated from all these burdens I am carrying. Just like how Mi Jeong in the k drama My Liberation Notes wanted.

Browsing through the clips from the k drama My Liberation Notes has sparked my interest into watching it. Although I’ve read some comments that sometimes it can get boring, I already know that I will be watching it. My sister decided to watch it first though, and she told me that I might be able to relate to it but it can also somehow bore me. Then, I decided to watch it. I have never found a single episode boring or dragging and instead I find it painful. The k drama hurt me by how it mirrors my life. At first, I thought I could only relate to Mi Jeong’s character but then I slowly found pieces of myself in each of the characters.

I do not want to spoil any parts of this k drama as it is very raw and rich and it would be unfair for people who have yet to watch it to be spoiled by its beautiful yet painfully realistic story so, please bear with me if the way I discussed it seems to be vague.

The main characters in this k drama are the three Yeom siblings who are all working in Seoul but still live with their parents in the countryside which is why they spent a lot of their time traveling to and from work (basically like how most Filipinos who work in Manila are experiencing but the big difference is that at least South Korea has a better transportation system while the Philippines…. Oh well, pure fucking hell). One of the characters even said “If I die it will be because of commuting to Seoul for work” and all I can say is “Same, girl” lol. Anyway, with the way they live their everyday lives, I can definitely feel the exhaustion and the feeling of numbness. The Yeom siblings are a great representation of the kind of struggles young adults are facing – sometimes life is a cycle of trying to survive that will only leave one feeling overwhelmed and exhausted. I guess one of the most relatable lines from this drama is when Gi Jeong said “I’ve been so impatient lately. I just want to die already. After 14 years, my job is the same, the meetings are the same, and the people are the same. I curse and get mad the same way. It’s all the same endless repetition” The way the siblings live their life makes me feel like crying because somehow, I live like that too. It mirrors my reality. Like I mentioned a while ago, in this k drama you will not just relate to one character as you will slowly find pieces of yourself in each of the main characters.

The eldest, Gi-Jeong is a hopeless romantic woman in her late 20s (or I guess early 30s? not really quite sure with the characters’ ages) who just wants to find a companion that will love and care for her and at the same time she can love and care for. While at first as a viewer one will find her “desperation” to seek a relationship a bit pitiful, somehow you will learn to understand her. There are days when you feel like you need a different form of release. Like you want to vent to someone that is not a family or a friend… a someone whom you can call home because that someone can understand your soul. Maybe that was also the hopeless romantic in me speaking but yeah, I can totally understand what Gi Jeong is feeling. Although being in a relationship is not a priority for me, there are moments in my life when I feel like the thought of it can be good. Just like Gi Jeong said “Getting to know someone is an amazing thing. It’s not just that person. It’s like they bring several universes with them”

The middle child, Chang Hee, is a hardworking guy who just wanted to be financially secure but it seems like opportunity is elusive. Among the Yeom siblings, Chang Hee is the one who has the most growth by the end of the series and I am proud of him for that. At first, he might be a bit annoying as he is very vocal and is not shy in expressing what he feels. But maybe the feeling of annoyance by Chang Hee’s boldness is more of a feeling of jealousy because at least he can express what he truly feels. Even though he might appear to be ranting, at least he knows how to express himself. And I realized that he has every right to do so. The man has been working hard for years and yet the rewards of his labor seem to not go his way. I can truly relate to the frustrations he is feeling. If one is trying to live their best every single day even though it’s difficult and yet there seems to be no progress, then that person has every right to feel frustrated too. Chang Hee is hard working and yet he seems to not know what he really wants in life. At one moment he even said “I don’t have a specific goal in my life…..Can’t I just live my life without one?” which I find relatable because our society has groomed us to have a specific direction to go to in life which made most of us miserable when we couldn’t find our purpose. Why can’t we just live our life without the pressure to become somebody or something? Is it not enough to live life in a way that could make us feel satisfied? I just want to be financially stable and have the freedom to do things my way. Anyway, another line I like from Chang Hee is “I guess I have been putting up a façade with people. Now that I’m alone, I’ve become so calm and gentle”

Then the youngest one is Mi Jeong, the character I can relate to the most especially when she said the lines “I am not unhappy but I am not happy either” and “It feels like I’m stuck but I don’t know how to get out. That’s probably why I hope everything ends all at once” because it was such a perfect way to describe what I am feeling most of the time. She is an introvert girl who works as a contractual employee in a card design company that has a culture for extroverts. The company requires (but sometimes I feel like they force) their employees to join a club in order for them to have some hang out time outside of work. While I find this culture quite fun and interesting because it seems that the company wants their employees to have a life outside of work, I somehow find it a bit burdensome especially for employees who are just introverted in nature. I felt a bit sad for Mi Jeong as well as her three other co-workers every time they are being called to join a club. I do understand their sides though as I am a bit of an introvert myself. Not everyone has the time and energy to interact with people for a long period of time. Sometimes, people just want to have their peace and solitude through being alone and I hope people would respect that. I remember the times when I was still a newbie at our Department, I got so “culture shocked” by the culture of our division. The way it was required to participate in the dance performances for the Christmas party as a way of initiation for the newly hired scared me. It scared me because I do not like parties and socialization at all. Then there are moments when I feel like I have to join my colleagues at dinners even though all I want is to go home and be left alone. But in my defense, I just want to be alone most of the time and because I live 2 hours (sometimes 3 hours if the traffic is really heavy) away from work so I just want to go home right after work not because I dislike my coworkers. In those moments, I relate to Mi Jeong the most. She did not want to join any club as she lives far from her workplace. And also, what is so bad about not wanting to join dinners and parties after work? Maybe people like Mi Jeong and I just want to do things differently. Mi Jeong even said “Everyone is on their way to their graves so why is everyone so happy and excited?” But since this k drama has a very realistic approach, of course Mi Jeong and her three colleagues have no other choice but to give in to their company’s demand so instead of joining a club, they decided to form their own, The Liberation Club, which I guess is a blessing in disguise. This club brought together the three people who are all fighting their own silent battles and through this club they are able to work on expressing themselves so that eventually they can liberate themselves. Hence, the rule of The Liberation Club is simple: I will not pretend to be happy. I will not pretend to be unhappy. I will be honest.

And since Mi Jeong is the character I relate to the most, allow me to discuss her further. Yeom Mi Jeong might appear to be a sad soul who just wants to be left alone most of the time (like me) but there are moments in life that she questions life in general like when one of her narrations asks “There was only one thing I was curious about: What am I? Why am I here?” The moment she realizes she wants to seek liberation is the moment that touched my heart the most. People like Mi Jeong are often misunderstood by the society because of the sad outlook of life but maybe that happens because one’s feeling of emptiness may manifest itself in the form of self-isolation. Not everyone in this world gets the privilege to wake up one day and realize what they want to be. There are people like Mi Jeong and I who struggle to find meaning in life. And maybe Mi Jeong was right when she said that “Sometimes, I think that people who are damaged are much more honest than those who live their lives happily” because for damaged people like us, there really is no need to pretend that everything is fine that is why we can easily welcome our demons – but defeating them is a whole different story. Mi Jeong is definitely the character that means the most to me.

While the Yeom siblings are the main characters of this show, there are also some characters in here that I find relatable. First is their childhood friend, Du Hwan, who is a coach of a school’s football team and owns a café. Like the Yeom siblings, he seems to be stuck in his life and there are moments when I feel like he wants to be liberated too – he just does not have the courage to make a move. Hyun-ah, another childhood friend of theirs, who seems to be carefree among them all and yet she is also stuck. When she said “I only feel alive when I exhaust myself completely. If I have energy left, I feel heavy” it hurts me. Learning about her life made me feel bad for her as she is fighting her own demons yet putting up a façade that she’s fine. Then there comes the mysterious Mr. Gu. Nobody really knows who he is, even his real name and yet the Yeom family trusts him. Mr. Gu is a very dependable guy at the family business and farm. He is the Yeom patriarch’s right-hand man. He helps a lot in the family business as well as in the farm. He is a quiet person who just helps with the work every day, eats with the family every breakfast, lunch and dinner, and just goes back to his rented house to quietly drink alone. He seems to be living a dull life and drinking alcohol is his only way of finding peace. But like most people, there really is more than just meets the eye.

Mr. Gu, like I have predicted early as I was watching the k drama, is a person who is escaping the demons he has to face. He got lucky to have found a family in the Yeom’s residence. The work he does in the furniture business as well as in the farm of the Yeom’s family seems like a sweet escape from the life that felt like a torture to him. The detour he did ended up being one of the best things to happen in his life – if only he had the willingness to help himself get out of the damnation he is in, then maybe he would not have depended on alcohol so much. In a way, Mi Jeong and Mr. Gu are alike. Both are stuck in the kind of prison that they do not know how to get out of. I am happy that they have found each other and, in a way, have helped each other grow. But then, Mr. Gu was right when he said “That’s how life is. It seems to go well and then stabs you in the back. Did you think it was always going to be peachy?” Because in life, in order for things to truly change, one must take the initiative to do so. Even a small step can help. It all begins with a small step – acknowledge your demons first then work your way towards defeating them. And I hope that Mr. Gu will continue to take those small steps so that eventually he can get liberation too.

This k drama makes me realize that life in general is fast paced and sometimes there are people like me who will be left behind and if I do not take the initiative to pick myself up and at least try to run along with life then I will always be stuck. But how can one be able to break free if she has no idea about what kind of prison she is in? There are times when I feel like this k drama, although I can relate to it a lot, has left me with more questions than answers and it is really up to me to make a move so I can be liberated. Let me end this blog post with a quote from Mi Jeong “I wish I was genuinely happy and be able to say things like ‘Yes, this is life’ ‘This is what life is all about’”.

TinaMae

PS, to anyone who reads this, I hope that whatever demons you are facing, you can defeat them. I hope that you can be free from the kind of prison you are in. Life is all about moving forward, so please hang on and keep on moving forward. Thrive on.

PPS, song recommendations: Freedom by iKON, Jet Black Heart and Permanent Vacation by 5 Seconds of Summer

#personal #tinamae tales #k drama #my liberation notes #mi jeong #mr. gu #kim ji won #son suk ku #kdrama

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onlyjaeyun · 4 months

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hi!! i’m sorry i haven’t been sending posts!! i’ve gotten busy with classes :,> i hope you’re doing well also!!

anyways i just want to say that your characters are well written and thought out and it upsets me that some people find CH!y/n so annoying when her responses are/can be trauma responses since it’s clear that she’s never properly explained or expressed it to EVERYONE.

not to be all psych major and stuff but some people can’t control how they respond to things or situations sometimes and especially when it comes to situations they’ve gone through in the past, of course the way they react or respond is/can be a trauma response so i see CH!y/n reactions (and especially to CH!hoon) to be valid.

and as for her wanting to meet with her siblings, as an eldest daughter myself, i love my sister to death and would do anything for her so i can relate to wanting to meet and even reconcile with someone i basically raised you know? i understand that image or reality y/n isn’t ready to accept yet which is why she’s agreeing to meeting despite riki telling her to cut them off.

i’m sorry if this is long and i’m getting sidetracked but i love CH!y/n so much and i hope that more people understand how well thought out her character actually is.

i love you and i appreciate all your efforts to take everyone’s feedback and thoughts into consideration.

- 🧺

hello my sweetest love! pls never apologize for not sending asks, I kno who busy you guys are and will always always always appreciate you taking time out of your busy schedules to chat with me so thank you so much! I hope school's bearable and youre taking good care of yourself baby! ☁︎♥

thank you SO much for this baby. I think it's so interesting to read how you guys take in not only Y/N as a character but also her responses and behavior as well as decisions and honestly seeing how much you can relate/understand makes me so so happy! I couldn't agree more with you and am so grateful for your sweet words and compliments. thank you so much baby!☁︎♥

#; mailbox 📬#; cold hearts

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celestialnocturnes · 3 years

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a message to my youth (reply 1988 thought dump)

warning: this isn't meant to be a coherent review or commentary on reply 1988. i literally just finished the kdrama a few moments ago and i want to preserve what i'm feeling through this entry. this is only a cathartic attempt to show how the kdrama had impacted me in so many ways. also, spoilers!

to the things that are already gone. to a time that has already passed, i want to say a belated farewell. goodbye, my youth.

watching a kdrama wasn't in my top priorities this year, but things that used to be a part of you would demand to be revisited sometimes. i'm glad that i did, and i'm thankful that it was reply 1988.

taking a nostalgic look at the year 1988, this kdrama tells about the story of five families in a humble block in ssangmun, seoul. for someone born 12 years after the setting, the plot is something strange, a history lesson in the lens of simple households. for someone in the limbo between careless youth and adulting, and someone born in an asian family, this kdrama will feel like home.

culturally speaking, reply 1988 was a beautiful exposition of how asian households run. what got me hooked to continue the drama was the endless saga of giving dishes to neighbors in the first episode. funnily enough, all families ended up having a feast of each house's dinner on their tables.

from a mouthwatering display of korean side dishes, to the trends of 1988 korea (back when jyp himself was a hit lolz jk), to the endless neighborhood gossips, to the flawed and conservative views on politics, and to the tight-knitted family dynamics — one would find this hilarious and relatable, informative even.

reply 1988 was a lot of things, but its casts hold a special place in my heart. the gang had so much love between them and it was so beautiful to see a pure friendship evolve through the years. i wish i could still have loud dinners and drunken nights with my friends when we get into our careers. I would love that.

sung deok sun, the optimistic figure in the group, was a ray of sunshine to me even as a viewer. i love deok sun because her spirits were never faltered by her failures and her status in life. my personality is sooo far from deok sun's, but she was relatable to me when she said she didn't know what to do in her life. she doesn't have a dream, i have a lot of them. even so, the uncertainty is there. i guess we all figure things out in the end. deok sun became a flight crew and was able to earn money for the family. i can't wait to figure out my own path, too.

dong ryong, being deoksun's self-proclaimed soulmate faced the same journey. despite not getting into a prestigious university, it's amazing how he was able to establish his own restaurant and even expand branches! makes you really think that not everything in life can be solved by good grades. honestly, i wish i have his street smarts and wisdom. what a powerful person i would be, then.

jung hwan was the man of few words in the group. he showed his affections not through words, but through his actions (and teases for deok sun). his love language would definitely be acts of service! i love jung hwan. he was a good son, brother, and friend. i aspire to have the kindness that he has. but oh dear heavens i would kill just to see how his love life would unfold had he faced the courage to confess to deok sun. i mean, come on! just be straightforward! they would honestly make a good pair, the ray of sunshine girl and the cold guy.

choi taek, the professional go-gamer, was the baby of the group. like jung hwan, he was a man of few words, except that taek was actually shy. his growth through the series was perhaps the most apparent. his innocent image was eventually changed by the way he picked up curse words from the gang, to his smoking, and to his openness of affection for his family and later on, deok sun. also, his character made me fall in love with park bo gum and his smile!

before i go to the next two characters that i associate myself with, i would also like to comment on the household parents of the block. the fathers here have different personalities, but their identities as providers of the house defined the way they act. they keep a tough act and may be distant to their children, but the love is there even though they don't really know much about the household.

and the mothers, oh dear, the mothers. my mom is not a working entity, but i've seen her struggle through the years. i think her burdens are even heavier than that of my dad's. the way this kdrama portrayed the stories of the mothers touched my heart so much that i couldn't stop my tears. never underestimate a woman's strength, i tell you.

from these figures, i learned so much about adulting and marriage. our parents miss their parents, too. our parents would always worry about us, no matter how old we are. our parents are trying to keep everything together, so they put up a tough front. our parents' wishes are devoted to their children. our parents just want the best life for us. not only us are growing old, but our parents, too. our parents want our attention, too. our parents do not have the perfect marriage, but they would do anything for their children. our parents love us deeply.

okay, here goes my reflection in the kdrama — sun woo and sung bora. initially, i was planning to write an entry only about bora, but i realized that i am in many ways alike to sun woo as well. both characters are the eldest children of the family and they face a lot of pressure in their respective families. both characters sacrificed their dreams because they are limited to what their families can afford. sung bora took math education despite her dreams as a prosecutor. sun woo took medicine because that was what his mom wanted. as for me, i chose a course that would promise a stable salary. i dreamed to work in the field of science or writing, but both paths have unstable pays in this country. i do not come from a well-off family, so i have to set my dreams aside.

bora and i do not share the same personality. hers was aggressive and frank, mine was the opposite. even so, i found a piece of my soul in her character because she was steadfast in her goals and was very understanding of her family's situation. she was the cream of the crop in the siblings, the only one who became a student in the premier university, the talk of the neighborhood. she had strong political stances that made her own parents almost disown her, but she was never sorry for it. when it comes to little things, bora had so much privacy over her things that she would get mad at the slightest unauthorized touch of it. oh dear, if that wasn't me.

sun woo, on the other hand, was nearing my male counterpart. he cares so much about his mom and his sister that he hated the thought of the former working. he was the model student, the one with the straight a's, and the one who acts professionally even with the internal turmoil of emotions. he never opposed his mother's wishes and he loved his sister dearly. he would always hold his feelings in, but gets weak in the arms of a loved one. based on his upbringing and firm values, you would also see how he respects women. i love it.

these two never worked out at first because they prioritized their dreams above romance, but i'm so, so happy that they got together in the end.

reply 1988 was perhaps one of the best slice of life shows that i've ever seen. i wish i had watched this when i was younger, because it would teach you so much about family, love, dreams, friendship, and growing up. the pacing would feel kind of slow because of its movie-length episodes, but i swear it was worth it.

to the youth that i was, thank you for building the youth that i am.

to the youth that i am, enjoy the uncertainty and strive to be a better version of yourself.

to the youth that will be, may you never lose the spark inside your heart no matter how old you are.

i will hear your reply in time.

most ardently,

grace

#reply 1988 #journal entries #text #kdrama #korean #slice of life #deok sun #jung hwan #sun woo #dong ryong #sung bora #choi taek

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monstersandmaw · 3 years

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Male vampire x male character (nsfw) Part Four

Edit which I’m including in all my works after plagiarism and theft has taken place: I do not give my consent for my works to be used, copied, published, or posted anywhere. They are copyrighted and belong to me.

Sorry for taking 84yrs to post this. I thought I had shared it. Sorry. Hope you enjoy all the same.

Wordcount: 10,904 (story total: 23,704)

Heads up in this part for continued, but easing, tense familial relations, some angst/heartache (not heartbreak though), and some (consensual) blood drinking.

Part One (sfw), Part Two (nsfw), Part Three (nsfw)

Alec let out a shaky breath and crossed to the sofa, sinking down onto it as his legs finally gave out. “Vampires,” he said, hardly daring to believe the word he was uttering.

“Yes.”

“And you’re one?”

“… Yes.”

“And my family…?”

Sebastien’s voice was tight on the other end of the line as he said, “Hunts my kind. Well, those of us who aren’t registered with the ‘Guild of Hunters’ —” his tone turned acrid as he spat the words out, though he kept his voice low and quiet.

“What does that even mean? I don’t know what any of this means… And did you know about my family? I mean, before? When you started dating me?”

Sebastien took another deep breath. “Yes. I knew. And it was a long time before I fully convinced myself that you did not.”

If Sebastien had thought it was some kind of trap, that would explain his reticence at the beginning for sure.

“And were you planning on telling me any of this?” Alec snarled. God, his chest hurt so much. The deception was like Jeremy cheating on him all over again, only this time the betrayal was coming from two fronts at once: from his love life and from his family. Not that he’d had all that solid a relationship with the latter to start with. Perhaps this explained why.

“I hadn’t planned on becoming your boyfriend at all,” Sebastien snapped.

“So, what, I was just a quick diversion? A casual fuck you kept coming back for because I’m such a fucking chump? Is that it?”

“No,” Sebastien sighed. “Not at all. I fell for you. Like the horrid cliche I am, the vampire fell for the hunter, and by then I had no idea how to tell you. I’ve not been with a human before, so this is all very new to me.”

Alec ran his fingers through his dark hair to buy himself a moment. “You… You haven’t?”

“No.”

“How… How old are you?”

“Do you really want the answer to that?”

“Yes!” His phone was slippery in his fingers now from the sweat on his palm but he couldn’t bring it away from his ear long enough to put it on speaker. He needed answers.

With another cavernous sigh, Sebastien said hurriedly, “Very well. I was born in 1897 and turned on the battlefields of the Great War — World War I, that is. I was dying, and a vampire named Felicity who had been working as a field nurse turned me. My first run-in with your family was not long after I moved from France to America. They were working with the American Hunters’ Guild on a case which had nothing to do with me.” He let out a shaky breath and said, “I got in the way and I nearly died. Those were the days before the treaty, of course, and before I moved to England.”

Despite his still-spinning mind, Alec managed to croak, “What treaty?”

“Those of us who get our blood from sanctioned blood banks and do not live-feed are exempt from being hunted like animals.” He spoke like he was quoting from a law code; cold and clinical; detached.

God, the way he said it made Alec’s skin crawl. It was as if he were being permitted to exist on the grounds of good behaviour and, he supposed, that was exactly the case. Even so, Alec couldn’t help the next words that just fell out of his mouth. “So you weren’t planning on feeding from me?”

“Of course not,” Sebastien retorted but then appeared to rein himself in with yet another steadying inhale. “No. It’s been decades since I’ve fed from a human directly. I didn’t plan on starting with you.”

Alec slumped back into the sofa cushions and stared up at the ceiling of his tiny apartment. “Fuck.”

After a long silence, Sebastien’s gentle tenor sounded in his ear. “Are you alright?”

“No,” he said. “I’ve never been close to my family - my dad was always an arsehole, but… I can’t believe Theo’s involved in all this. He was such a sweet kid, and we were really close until…” he swallowed thickly around the rising lump in his throat.

“Until?” Sebastien prompted when he stalled again.

“I can’t believe this is all real,” he muttered. “Until he turned sixteen and started to ‘work out’ with dad. I was at uni by then, getting my fine art degree, but whenever I came home he was just… different. Harder. Sharper. More focused. Guess it makes sense now… Well, as much as… you know…” he gestured vaguely to the empty apartment with his hands, “… as much as all this can make sense. Fucking… vampires…”

After a heartbeat, Sebastien added softly, “Quite literally.”

Despite himself, Alec snorted. “So… where does this leave us?”

Now it was Sebastien’s turn to feel clearly uncomfortable. Eventually he said, “Alec, I don’t think it’s wise for me to see you currently. Not with your family being what they are.”

His heart twisted, even though he’d been half expecting it. “You still think they’d… what, stake you, or whatever it is that vampire hunters actually do to you lot?”

“There are many ways to kill a vampire,” he said flatly. “And your family knows all of them, probably more. You need to work this out with them first as well. Talk to your brother. He seems the more reasonable…”

“I can’t believe Ellie’s in on it as well. And my mother? Fuck…”

“Talk to them.”

“Will I still see you at work at least?”

The awkward silence told him all he needed to know, even before Sebastien said, “I just sent in my letter of resignation.”

“That was quick,” he hissed, stomach dropping. “You only just left.”

“Supernatural speed,” he replied bitterly. “Comes in useful for typing papers and getting out of awkward situations…”

That sparked another question in him. “Supernatural powers, huh? Can you turn into a bat too?”

“No.”

Then he thought of Sebastien’s Halloween outfit. “Wolf?”

He thought he detected a faint smirk in Sebastien’s response. “No, sadly. No shape-shifting for me. Felicity is not of any extraordinary bloodline, and thus, neither am I.”

“Right,” he grunted. “Of course. Is she… is she still around?”

“Felicity? Yes. We meet every now and again. She and her wife spend most of their time in Venice these days.”

“Her wife? She a vampire too?”

Sebastien swallowed audibly. “Yes.”

“Did Felicity turn her too? Would that make her wife your sister?”

“No.”

He frowned. “Did she know her as a human though?”

“Yes.”

After a moment of spinning thoughts, Alec asked, “Did… you turn her?”

“One doesn’t tend to turn one’s own intended. Between a sire and their turned, there can grow… tension. Not always, but it can be enough to ruin a relationship that was seemingly solid before. Something about exchanging blood changes the soul… or so we think, anyway. It was an honour to be asked to sire her.”

“Right.” Alec felt slightly sick. “Will I at least see you before you leave?”

“I think it best if we don’t. Not while your family is still… ‘investigating’ me.”

“Are you really in danger from them?”

“Quite possibly. My name is on the treaty, but…”

Something twanged painfully again in his chest, swiftly followed by the fizzle of fear through his veins. “But what?”

“But vampires and hunters are not supposed to sleep together, Alec…”

“Don’t bang the enemy? How very Romeo and Juliet,” he snorted. “Fuck. Why does every good relationship I have turn to shit?” he asked, not of Sebastien but of the universe itself. “What did I do?”

“Alec —”

“—Don’t. Don’t make it worse by apologising or something. It’s fine. We were only together a month. I’ll get over it. You’ll move on. Heck, you’ll fucking live forever, right? What’s a month to you anyway? Nothing, right?”

The bitterness in his own voice nearly choked him, and without thinking, or even saying goodbye, he just hung up and let his phone lie in his limp fingers on the sofa cushions. It lit up and rang a moment later, but he didn’t answer it. Six more times Sebastien tried before finally giving up.

Kay was an absolute blessing in the next few days.

He didn’t tell her immediately about the whole vampire thing, but after he’d calmed down enough to be able to look at Theo without immediately busting a vein in his forehead, he hashed the basics out with him, and then told her everything. Alec told her about his newly-discovered, secret family occupation which, apparently, stretched back centuries. He told her about the fact that his eldest sister and younger brother were monster hunters in their spare time, and he told her the real reason Sebastien why had vanished overnight without a trace — yes, Alec had gone to his apartment building, only to be politely informed by the doorman that Dr. Dulac was no longer in residence and did not leave so much as a forwarding address.

That, above almost everything else, shattered Alec’s hopes of seeing him again. Like thistledown in the wind, Sebastien had simply flitted away somewhere else.

She took it about as well as he had to start with, but when she saw the seriousness in his eyes, and when, three weekends later, she came to his apartment for a definitely-not-awkward dinner with Theo, she saw video footage that Theo and his father had captured from various hunts of supernatural creatures beyond only beautiful vampires. Then she believed him. Ghouls, ghosts, reanimated corpses, demons… you name it and Theo could tell you about it.

Alec spent Christmas with Kay’s family, and Theo met him for New Year drinks in the city, joined by Ellie. It wasn’t anything like the family dynamic he’d always longed for, but the new degree of openness between them went some way to mending his still bruised heart. Slowly. Gradually. Piece by tentative, honest piece. He never joined in, but Theo started to tell him a bit about what they did. It still sounded barbaric to him, but at least it was true.

He had no word from Sebastien, and the number he had saved in his phone had been disconnected.

With the arrival of spring, Alec found himself more than usually dissatisfied with his job. He was a good teacher, and he enjoyed seeing his students’ talents evolve and grow, but the ever-increasing admin ground him down, and the politics of the faculty and the university as a whole wore on him.

“Have you seen this?” Kay asked one afternoon as they shared a takeaway coffee beneath the drifting cherry blossoms. Petals spiralled down like pastel pink and white wedding confetti, and he watched with an absent smile as a terrier snapped and sprung around on his hind legs trying to catch them while his owner stood and talked with her friend nearby. “Oi!” Kay asked, digging him in the ribs.

“Hmm?”

“Have you seen this?” she asked, shoving her phone under his nose.

He blinked, refocusing his eyes, and read the article’s headline aloud. “Council offers artists the chance to win a sponsored exhibition in the town hall with this unique competition.” He blinked. “So?”

“So?” she gawped. “You can’t be serious?”

“Send me the link. I’ll forward it to my students. They might like that.” That earned him a smack upside the head, and he scowled. “What was that for?”

“Alec, you might be the dumbest smart guy I know,” she said. “I showed it to you so that you could enter it, you giant idiot.”

He blinked. “Me?”

“I saw those charcoals you did the other week of the cathedral! They were amazing!! And the abstracts too… I still want one, by the way.”

“It’s already wrapped up for your birthday,” he groused. “You really think I should do it?”

She rolled her eyes and drained the last of her coffee without gracing him with an answer. Of course she thought he should.

“When’s the deadline?”

“Next Thursday,” she said without looking at him.

Alec licked his lips and swallowed. “Will you help me pick some images to submit?”

Her answering grin was feral.

In all honesty, Alec forgot about having even entered the competition until the letter dropped through his door six weeks later announcing that, to his utter astonishment, he had been selected as the winner. Tears blurred his eyes and he sat down heavily at the tiny kitchen table. He’d never entered any of his own art into anything like this in his whole life, and the first time he does, he gets a whole fucking public exhibition out of it?

“Maybe this year won’t be so bad after all,” he murmured. “New year, new start…” His chest still ached when he thought about Sebastien, and he hoped he was doing alright, wherever he was.

Theo had been searching for him, probably by way of apology for lying to his big brother for all these years, but he’d turned up very little. Sebastien had gone to Venice first, it seemed, presumably to spend time with Felicity and her wife, but had disappeared completely after that, with only rumours flickering here and there that he was in Paris, St. Petersburg, Prague, and then potentially Florence. Maybe.

“Venice seems like a pretty sunny place for a pair of vampires to live,” Alec commented, but Theo shrugged.

“They don’t burn up immediately in sunlight, or your professor would never have been able to take a day-job at the university. They’re sensitive to it, some more than others, but it takes a full day of constant sunlight beating down for them to burn properly.” The callousness of his brother’s response shook him, even after all these months, and Theo must have seen it on his face because he sighed. “I’m sorry,” he said, and then added, “You really loved him, didn’t you?”

Alec shrugged. Yes, he wanted to say. I thought so. “I only knew him for a month or so,” was what he said carefully instead. “And even then… turned out I didn’t know him anyway.”

Theo, who had been lounging on Alec’s sofa with his legs spread and his head tipped back into the cushions while Alec made supper, asked quietly, “Did he seem… normal to you?”

“Normal?” Alec asked, not sure he’d heard his brother correctly.

“Yeah… like… did you ever suspect he wasn’t… you know…?”

“Human?”

Theo grunted and nodded his head. “Yeah. I guess.”

“No. Obviously not. Never crossed my mind. Why would it have?”

Theo scowled and turned his eyes to regard him. Alec knew that Theo looked like a younger version of himself, if maybe in better shape, and he wondered if he’d have the same steely look in his eyes if he’d been deemed ‘man enough’ to become a hunter, or whatever bullshit criteria their arsehole father had used to select which members of his family were to become soldiers and which would live normal lives.

“What?” Alec demanded.

“But you slept with him, right?”

“I’m not talking about that with you,” he said, briefly brandishing the wooden spoon at him.

Theo pulled a face. “I’m not asking about your sex life. Gross. No, I mean…”

In that moment, Alec spotted a flash of something in his brother’s blue eyes that softened him to the kid. He turned off the gas and went over to where Theo was now sitting hunched over with his elbows on his knees, running his hands through his hair. When he looked up at Alec’s approach, his face showed open vulnerability in a way he’d not seen since they were young children and Theo had got himself into trouble at school.

“What’s going on?” Alec asked, seating himself next to his little brother.

Theo bobbed his knee like a deprived caffeine addict and bit his lip. With glassy eyes, he croaked, “I keep asking myself if we did the right thing…”

“What do you mean?”

The bravado of Theo’s early twenties melted away to become a worried, frightened, guilty little boy again and he said, “I mean… if what we do is right…”

“You mean… hunting?”

“Yeah,” he croaked.

“What set this off?”

His brother quirked him a humourless smirk and said, “You always did know when something was bothering me.”

Alec remained quiet, just watching him.

“We teamed up with some hunters from Edinburgh for a ‘vamp gone rogue’ case and we finally found her yesterday. She… She’d been turning people; trying to amass some kind of small army to take over from another vampire further up north. She was insane… like, completely, sociopathically insane, but… the people she turned… they were just…” he blinked, and Alec saw with a jolt that his eyes were full of unshed tears. “They were still just people.”

He feared he already knew where this was going. Still, he asked, “What happened?”

“Father wanted to put them down. They were terrified, chained up… still on the point of lashing out…”

Bile rose in his throat. “Oh god…”

“One of the hunters said she knew of a vampire who could help rehabilitate them; help them adjust to their new lives. One of them didn’t want to live as a vampire though, so father just…”

Theo didn’t need to finish that for Alec to know that father had ended the newly-turned vampire’s life in a heartbeat. “And the rest?”

“The other three went with the hunter. I don’t know what happened, but… I trust her. It’s just… father taught me and Ellie that vampires are mindless killers when they feed… that you can’t get close to them, that all they want at the end of the day is blood no matter what they tell you… but…” he looked up at Alec. “You’ve been fucking miserable since the whole Sebastien shit-fest. I know you’ve been trying to hide it, and you’ve got the exhibition coming up next weekend, and that’s great, but… I know you’ve stopped putting yourself out there. And we did that. We fucked it all up for you. I just…” he ran his hands through his hair and sent it into wild disarray. “I just wonder if you could really have been happy with him after all.”

Alec pulled his brother close and hugged him. “I’m not going to lie,” he murmured into his brother’s dark hair. “I’m furious with father for keeping everything from me, and for making you and mum and Ellie lie to me and Angie about it as well, but… if I hadn’t seen Sebastien’s eyes go red — yeah, I thought it was just a reflection or something — and if I hadn’t seen the way he sleeps literally like the dead… I’m not sure I would have believed you anyway. I don’t forgive him for it either, but…” he sighed deeply. “I forgive you, Theo. And Ellie.”

“And mum?”

“I’m still working on that.”

Theo went slack beneath him and snaked his arms around his brother’s waist for a moment. “Thanks,” he mumbled into Alec’s shirt.

“You’re still coming to the exhibition?” Alec asked as he pulled back and went back to the stove, giving Theo a moment of privacy to pull himself together.

In truth, Alec was a little shaken too. Their relationship had been slowly patched over the intervening months, but it still wasn’t particularly close, and the matter of Sebastien had been a permanent, proverbial elephant in the room. That Theo was questioning their father’s teaching came as an immense relief to Alec though. He poured them each a glass of wine, and the two spent the rest of the evening in a quieter kind of closeness than they’d yet shared.

When the evening of the exhibition drew round, Alec was quite frankly, a bit of a mess.

“C’mon,” Theo grinned, patting the lapels of his jacket down for him and grinning up at him. “Where’s that Twayblade hunter courage, huh?”

“Must have skipped me and all gone to you,” he quipped back. “Fuck. I’m so nervous. Why am I so nervous?”

“No fucking clue,” Theo chuckled. “You’re awesome and they’re gonna fucking love you.”

“Language,” Alec said instinctively and Theo’s laughter redoubled.

“You’re a big fucking hypocrite, you know that?” Theo laughed just as Kay sidled up with three glasses of champagne awkwardly held between her hands.

“Help a girl out here, would you, boys?” she asked, proffering the glasses to them.

Alec resisted the urge to down it in one — he’d probably only choke on the bubbles anyway — and filled his lungs instead with a big gulp of air. He tried to send all his nerves into the air and then blow it out of his body in one heaving sigh to leave him calmer, but it just gave him a head rush, so he sipped the wine and turned to look around the gallery from the corner where he’d been lurking.

“What if no one shows up?” he blurted, earning him a scowl from Theo and a pout-and-eyebrow-raise combo from Kay.

He needn't have worried in the end. The marketing team had done their work, and within an hour the place was heaving and all but three of his pieces had been reserved. Scratch that. Two.

The fact that almost all of his students had turned up as well to cheer him on and trade high fives, and scrounge free alcohol and food from the canape trays, warmed him in ways he didn’t know were possible.

Overwhelmed and a little bit tearful, he stepped out of the town hall’s main exhibition space and into the small corridor that led to a fire exit and a grotty back car park beyond, letting the flush die down from his cheeks. This was what he’d really wanted right from the moment he’d graduated all those years ago; to be an artist in his own right, with people buying his work at exhibitions… It almost made him giddy to think that he had a chance to do this full time now. It seemed that Sebastien had been right when he’d said he could really make something of himself.

Ah, there was the crash in his mood that he’d been waiting for. Nothing good lasts forever, right?

Would Sebastien have been proud of him if he knew about this? Would he have been there that night, by his side? Would they even have lasted that long anyway, even without his family’s interference?

The noise in the room was gradually dying down when he gathered enough courage to step back into the echoing hall. The pale wooden floors gleamed in the low light, the white of the temporary exhibition walls almost glowing, in stark contrast to the black and grey of his charcoals. He’d chosen mostly charcoals for the show, with a few acrylic abstracts for flavour, and apparently people loved them. Every single one had a red ‘sold’ dot beneath the label now, he noted as he cast his eyes around the room.

Then his gaze snagged on someone standing with their back to him, hands clasped loosely behind them, a long, silver-blond ponytail hanging down their back. And Alec’ vision slipped sideways.

Sebastien.

It had to be him.

No one else stood with posture like that. No one else was so tall and lean and elegant and god-damned graceful, even when just standing still. And no one else stood quite as still as that.

He let out a ragged breath and swayed slightly, glancing around. There was no sign of Theo or Kay just then, and only one or two couples meandered admiringly around the room. And there, fixated by one piece in particular, stood Sebastien.

Inhaling for courage, Alec approached and came to an unsteady halt a few feet away from him. He didn’t look real, somehow. His beauty had always been striking, but now in the low light he seemed like a mirage, with his warm olive skin and contrastingly pale hair, that cut-glass jawline and —

— He turned and met Alec’s gaze with dark brown eyes alight and glassy.

“You’re here,” Alec breathed, at a loss for anything else.

“I hope you don’t mind,” Sebastien said, and the sound of his voice sent a wild tingling through Alec’s whole nervous system. The man — vampire — looked uncharacteristically shy, uncertain, as he half turned to face him.

“Gotta say,” Alec said, scratching the back of his head, “I wasn’t expecting to see you again.”

“Should I leave?”

He chewed his lower lip for a second and Sebastien’s eyes tracked the movement before he blinked and looked back at the charcoal in front of him. It was of the Lady Chapel of the cathedral; one of the most tranquil places Alec had ever been. A shaft of light lanced down from a Gothic window high on the right, scattering fractured shards of light onto the stone floor, and behind it, just barely visible as a grey, misty outline, sat the small altar.

“You’re religious?” Alec asked.

“Mm,” Sebastien nodded. “Surprising, I know, given my ‘condition’, but there you have it.”

All the smalltalk then suddenly boiled up into thick irritation inside Alec and he scowled. “Where have you been? And why now? Why come back now? What do you want?”

He must have raised his voice fractionally because the couple admiring the seascape to their left shot them slightly scandalised looks, as if he’d started swearing in a sanctuary, and he bit back the wave of anger, halting it in its tracks.

“Shall we step outside for a moment?” Sebastien asked and Alec nodded tersely.

Passing Kay and Theo who were sitting in the chairs near the drinks table, Alec cast his eyes at them and watched Theo tense visibly. Kay laid her hand on his thigh and shook her head, at which Theo nodded and sat back, eyes hard, mouth set, but at least he didn’t appear to be on the point of leaping out and staking Sebastien on the spot.

Alec mouthed a silent ‘thank you’ at them both, and followed Sebastien out on to the street.

“You’ve patched things up with your family then?” Sebastien began, standing perfectly still beside the brick wall of the Victorian building while Alec paced.

“Mostly just with Theo, but yeah. Why are you here?” he asked again.

“Honestly? I missed you. Couldn't get you out of my head. I went all over Europe, and even to Asia briefly, and nothing I did distracted me from you, from leaving you. I had to come back.”

“You could have called,” he said, instantly regretting the way it came out like a petulant teenager’s sulking.

“And what would that have achieved?” Sebastien asked evenly. “I was hundreds of miles away.”

“You could have come back sooner? Talked to me in person?”

Sebastien sighed. “I was afraid that your family would come after me. I needed to disappear.”

“Theo convinced father to let you go. As you said yourself, your name was on the treaty, and you didn’t hurt me or hypnotise me, or whatever… did you?”

“No,” he said, pale brows pinching with evident distaste.

“Could you have?”

Sebastien levelled him with a dark look. “Yes, but… that’s not something I enjoy doing. It’s a survival mechanism — to make people forget what they’ve seen — it’s not something to be used lightly.”

“Ok, but you could have, and you didn’t, so that was another reason to let you go,” he said. God he wanted to kiss him. The realisation hit him like a gut punch and he turned away. Alec ached inside and out for those lips, those hands, those eyes… “Fuck,” he whispered, barely audible. “Are you staying?”

“Do you want me to stay?”

Alec rounded on him, frustration pouring out of him again. “Don’t answer my question with one of your own. Are you staying or not?”

Sebastien remained eerily calm, but a heartbeat later Alec saw that it wasn’t serenity in his eyes but sadness. “If you want me to, I’ll stay. I want to try again, Alec. I want… I want to be with you. I’ve never felt for anyone what I feel for you.”

“Feel? As in… present tense?”

“Yes. It hasn’t faded. Not with all the days and distance between us.”

“God, you sound like a shitty romance novel hero…” he scoffed. “I almost believe it.”

Sebastien spread his hands and said, “I am who — and what — I am. You know me, Alec, in a way that no one else ever has. I was utterly myself with you, except for the fact that I kept my nature from you. I hope you can at least understand why, if not forgive me. Everything else was genuine. I have never done that — been that open, that vulnerable — with anyone.”

“Even knowing what my family are?”

“Even then.”

Alec looked up at him and saw his own reflection in those dark, rich brown eyes. “Show me.”

Sebastien’s angelic face soured into a confused frown. “Show you what?”

“Your eyes. Your fangs. Show me what you are.”

“Now?”

He looked around. The street was empty on either side, with the only people around gathered outside a bar further up the street.

When he turned back to say yes to Sebastien, he found blood red eyes glowing in the man’s face. “Holy fuck,” he hissed. Every already-chiselled line on Sebastien’s face had sharpened somehow, his cheeks hollowing a little, perhaps to account for the additional hardware he now sported in his mouth, and his eyes seemed a touch more sunken. And they glowed as if lit from within.

Heartbeat thrumming out a wild tattoo, he stepped closer and Sebastien went utterly still. His chest ceased to rise and fall, and he didn’t even blink as Alec raised his fingers to his left cheek. “Show me.”

Sebastien swallowed and parted his lips. Angling his jaw a little to one side, he showed Alec the elongated canines, three quarters of an inch long. “Careful,” he murmured as Alec made to touch them. “Vampire venom is potent, even in small doses.”

“Does it really do what the hunters say it does?”

Sebastien’s red eyes glittered almost playfully. “I don’t know,” he smiled, seeming to relax a fraction. “What do they say it does?”

“Drives your victims wild, acts like a date rape drug, makes humans lose their will and their inhibitions…”

At that, a hardness returned to his features and his lip twitched in a lopsided snarl, like a wolf backed into a corner. “That’s certainly one take on it,” he said. “It creates a rush of euphoria. It’s supposed to make feeding a pleasant experience for all concerned. Endorphins in the blood make the taste sweeter, and the human feels no pain or fear.”

“Right. Gotta say I like that one better,” Alec said with a shaky smile. “But I’m not gonna risk it right here… And fuck me, your eyes are incredible.”

“They’re still red, hmm?” he asked.

“Yeah.”

Closing his eyes and tilting his face upwards a little more towards the cloudy night sky, he inhaled deeply. His features softened again, and Alec watched, fascinated, as the slight bumps behind his closed upper lip slid away into nothing, presumably as his canines retracted into his gums. When he opened his eyes, they were their usual, endlessly dark brown once more.

“Better?” Sebastien asked, oddly self-conscious.

“No,” he said. “Just different.”

Something prickled on the back of his neck and he turned to find a woman silhouetted against the light of street lamp halfway up the road. “Friend of yours?” he asked, tense.

“Felicity. She came with me.”

“Why? Surely you don’t need a wingman… or, you know, woman.”

With a tiny smile, Sebastien said, “You make me more vulnerable than you realise, in more ways than one. And we weren’t sure if your family would be here.”

“Or whether they’d want to flambé you…”

“Precisely.” He inclined his head and the woman did the same, turning and vanishing even as Alec blinked.

“Can you do that too?” he asked, still gawping after her.

When he turned back, he found that Sebastien had stepped in close to him - close enough that his faint, woody cologne wafted gently around them and he felt his knees wobble slightly. He’d missed this. Oh god, he’d missed this. “Mmhmm,” Sebastien hummed. “I can.”

“Kiss me,” Alec whispered. “Please…”

Sebastien didn’t need telling twice. He took Alec’s face in both his hands and crushed a passionate kiss to his lips so hard that Alec’s mind went perfectly blank for a few beautiful seconds. When he came to, he grabbed Sebastien’s narrow hips and tugged him close, making the vampire grunt as their bodies connected.

This time, he took Sebastien’s ponytail in one hand and began to pull on it gently. Sebastien yielded at the pressure and tipped his face back, exposing the entire column of his throat to Alec without resistance. The gesture left Alec stunned and breathless. In his research with Theo over the past months, he had learned that for a vampire to expose their throat to another implied absolute trust. Overwhelmed, he pressed his lips to the bare skin and felt Sebastien gasp, grabbing at his shoulders suddenly to keep himself upright.

Over and over, the vampire shuddered tangibly beneath his touch and gasped sharply again, panting. As he shifted his hips against him, Alec felt Sebastien’s growing hardness, and at the same time, Sebastien drew back, eyes screwed shut. “Stop,” he laughed. “Not here.”

“I want you,” Alec moaned, one hand on Sebastien’s chest. “Fuck, I’ve missed you so much.”

“I want you too,” Sebastien smiled, opening his eyes. They glowed scarlet again. “And because of that, this —” he said, gesturing to his red eyes, “— isn’t going to go away quickly this time.”

“This too?” Alec said, boldly cupping the obvious bulge in Sebastien’s smart black trousers gently with his hand and making the vampire groan.

“Yeah, that too.”

“Your place or mine?” Alec asked with a dizzy grin.

“You decide. I’m booked into a hotel one street over for the next two days,” he said. “If that affects your decision in any way.”

“Yours,” he said. “I… I’ll just…” he looked over his shoulder and caught sight of the exhibition banner dangling by the door. “I should…”

Sebastien nodded slowly. “I’ll be here.”

“You’d better be,” he snarled as he adjusted himself and prayed no one would notice. He took a few steadying breaths on the threshold of the town hall and then disappeared inside.

Kay raised her eyebrows at him when he reappeared.

“Not a word,” he said through gritted teeth.

“Your hair’s a mess,” she said conversationally. “Is it windy outside?”

“Fuck off,” he grimaced and she laughed. “Where’s Theo?”

“He left out the back way,” she said. “But he told me to tell you to enjoy yourself tonight, and that he’ll stand by whatever makes you happy.”

Unexpected tears prickled his eyes and he tugged her into a hug that was probably meant for his brother.

“You can thank us later,” she said, shoving him off her. “Go be with your Prince of Darkness…”

“I’m not sure how much he’d like you calling him that,” he said as he stepped back. “I’ll have to wrap things up here first…”

It seemed to take forever, but he finally found the events coordinator and after an interminable conversation full of congratulations, agreed to stop by the next day to take down the exhibition and sort the sales out. His heart was thudding when he stepped back outside, but he let out a huge sigh when he saw Sebastien leaning against the brick building, face tilted towards the moon that was just peeking out from behind a bank of cloud.

“It’s like one of your charcoals,” Sebastien said without tearing his eyes from the sky.

Alec crossed to him and smiled when Sebastien met his gaze, red meeting blue. Alec slid his fingers into Sebastien’s where his hand hung quietly by his side.

“Ready?” the vampire asked.

Alec nodded, and let Sebastien lead him back to his hotel.

They barely made it into the lift before Alec was kissing him, backing him into the mirrored sides of the lift with a thud before the doors had even closed. He stopped suddenly, drew back and laughed, and Sebastien — who looked like he’d just got whiplash — asked, “What?”

“Vampires do have reflections after all…”

Sebastien rolled his eyes and gave an indecorous snort-laugh. The sound was rich and warm and it filled Alec’s whole consciousness for a moment. “It’s only the antique ones with genuine silver backing that don’t show our reflections. Technology has evolved, thank goodness. Now, if you don’t mind, you were kissing me senseless…”

“Sorry,” he laughed, grabbing Sebastien’s white shirt collar and tugging him down again. They nearly didn’t get out of the lift at Sebastien’s floor, but as the doors began to close again, Sebastien slid his foot into the path of the doors and dragged Alec out.

Clothes landed in a steady line on the carpet between the door of his hotel room and Sebastien’s bed, ending with them both in only their boxer-briefs on the pristine white surface of the bed. Alec was tipped back onto the duvet and lay there staring up at Sebastien who was now no longer hiding his nature from him at all. Red eyes blazed in his face and as he opened his mouth to breath heavily, the tips of his fangs were just visible. There was no denying that he was a vampire.

“Was it like this before?” Alec asked hoarsely. “I mean… did I just not see it?”

“I had to work very hard to rein all this in,” he said, kneeling on the bed and crawling a little way up it. His own boxer briefs strained at the crotch where his erection tented the fabric, and Alec’s own black ones were stained with a little spot of wetness where his cock twitched with eager interest. “I only let it slip once or twice, but you were distracted at the time.”

Alec smirked and then moaned as Sebastien’s palm skimmed up over his groin and over his stomach. He’d always been a bit self-conscious about the softer parts of him, but Sebastien worshipped him like he was some kind of immortal god, lavishing attention on him over and over until he was shaking and gasping and sweating. “Please!” he begged after what felt like hours. “Oh god, please…”

Sebastien slid off the bed and deftly removed his own underwear before encouraging Alec to lift his hips for him and drawing his boxer-briefs down too. Before Alec could think or process what was happening, Sebastien was between his legs again and had swallowed the entire length of his cock to the back of his throat in one.

“Oh fuck,” he hissed, mind whiting out.

Sparks of pleasure shot up his spine as Sebastien worked him alternately with his mouth and his hand.

He teased him, licking the slit at the tip where pre-come beaded profusely now, teasing the delicate folds of skin until Alec thought he was going to shatter apart with want. Just before it got too much to bear, Sebastien would take him back into the wet heat of his mouth and work the underside of his cock with his tongue, swallowing occasionally and making Alec’s head spin all over again.

His balls tightened and he spread his legs wider, instinctively opening himself to Sebastien.

The vampire moaned against his cock and Alec whimpered. Pulling off him, an obscenely inviting thread of saliva and pre-come connecting them briefly, Sebastien sat up and reached for the top drawer of the bedside table. “Vampires neither catch nor transmit diseases,” he said, “But if you still wish to use protection —”

“— I haven’t been with anyone since you,” he rasped. “And I’m clean anyway…”

“As you wish,” Sebastien smiled, withdrawing an almost-new bottle of lube and sitting back down between his legs. Alec eyed it and Sebastien laughed shyly. “I opened it last night…” he admitted and Alec grinned.

That smirk shattered into an open-mouthed groan as Sebastien’s finger slid inside him and he began to prepare him. There was nothing perfunctory about it either. Sebastien took his time to work him open, his fingers fucking into him slowly, almost reverently, until he crooked them and Alec yelled as white-hot pleasure shot through him.

“Still so sensitive,” Sebastien crooned and Alec just shivered in response. His thighs were quivering too now from the effort of not bucking upwards into the empty air, his cock drooling freely over his slightly soft stomach with each futile twitch. He knew he was a wanton mess, and he couldn’t quite find it within himself to care. It seem to drive Sebastien wild anyway.

When Sebastien added a third finger, still stroking up and down his thigh with his other hand, Alec broke.

“Please, please, please,” he whimpered, out of breath and desperate. He cracked his eyes open and looked down at Sebastien to find that his red eyes had been almost eclipsed by his blown pupils. He gave a weak buck of his hips to try and encourage Sebastien to get on with it, but the vampire seemed utterly transfixed by him. He worked his fingers over Alec’s prostate gently but with absolute precision, and it was going to make Alec lose his mind altogether.

“Pleasepleaseplease, I need you, please…” he wailed as Sebastien’s mercifully short and blunt fingernail caught him just so and sent another jolt through him.

Finally the vampire moved, but as he withdrew completely, the loss almost shattered him. “Shh,” he smiled, stroking a soothing circle at Alec’s hipbone. “I’m still here…”

Alec whimpered like a wounded animal but his foggy brain accepted that the loss was only temporary, and he watched as Sebastien took his own flushed cock in his hands and slicked lube up the length of it in a couple of efficient strokes, head bowing under the attention it was receiving at last. He’d focused solely, completely, on Alec’s pleasure for all that time, and the realisation sent a fresh wave of lust rolling through Alec’s entire body.

He spread his legs, but Sebastien caught Alec under his left thigh and raised his leg easily, exposing Alec completely. Before Alec could process anything, his tip was nudging at Alec’s entrance, and then he had sunk all the way in to the hilt.

Sebastien froze then, bowed forwards over Alec like a supplicant, canines openly bared, eyes screwed shut, not even breathing.

“Sebastien… please…” Alec grunted. He’d never felt as full and whole as he had with Sebastien inside him, and yet this wasn’t enough. He’d ached for this. For months, he’d ached for it, and still it wasn’t enough. “Bast, please…”

Finally, the vampire opened his searing red eyes and began to move.

Slowly at first, he picked up his pace until Alec’s back was arching and his fingers clawed great furrows in the sheet beneath him. With each thrust, Alec saw stars at let out little fractured, broken gasps. Sebastien was quiet, almost silent, while Alec himself was unable to stop the sounds from tumbling out of him. He moaned and whimpered, gasped and cursed and begged until Sebastien yanked him further down the bed and lifted his hips a little way off the mattress entirely.

From this new angle, it was so blindingly good that Alec went alternately taut and limp with ecstasy. “I’m close,” he gasped over the slap of Sebastien’s hips meeting his skin.

The vampire snarled then; an inhuman sound that sent the hairs prickling all down Alec’s body.

“Come for me,” Alec begged in a whisper, opening his eyes and watching as Sebastien chased his release with a ferocity he’d never shown before. He wasn’t careless with his strength, but he was certainly forceful. Had Alec wanted to grunt ‘stop’, he knew the vampire would halt, but that was the furthest thing from his mind as he watched the flawless perfection of this man above him. “God you’re so beautiful,” he whispered. “Come for me, Bast…”

And at the sound of his name, uttered in little more than an abbreviated wheeze, Sebastien went still, hips spasming as his spine arched back like a bow at full draw, mouth open, head thrown back, fangs bared, eyes rammed shut, a sheen of sweat covering his perfect, bronze chest, his silver hair falling around him like a veil.

The sight of him like that wrenched Alec’s orgasm from him with such sudden force that he almost blacked out, and he clenched around Sebastien’s still-twitching cock as he spilled all over himself. Vaguely, he felt Sebastien trying to withdraw, but he grunted, “Don't… not yet… please… I… unngghh…” Unable to finish the sentence as the last shock waves fluttered through him, Alec went limp against the bed, breathing hard, his blood roaring in his ears.

He wasn’t sure how much time passed before Sebastien did finally move, but eventually he slid his softening cock out of him and Alec grunted at the cool slide of the vampire’s release down his thigh. He was too spent and exhausted to care about the mess though, and as Sebastien collapsed onto the bed beside him, he cracked one eye open.

Sebastien lay on his left side with his cheek pillowed on his bicep, facing Alec with his eyes closed, and he didn’t seem to be breathing. Tentatively, clumsily in the daze of his recent, mind-blowing orgasm, Alec reached out and touched the delicate skin on the inside of his arm. Sebastien jolted like he’d received an electric shock, and opened his eyes. They still burned bright red, but the rest of his face seemed a little softer somehow.

“You alright?” Alec asked.

Sebastien nodded.

“Been a while too, huh?” Alec grinned, flopping back down to stare at the ceiling where little points of light still sparkled across his vision every now and again.

“Not since that last night with you,” he said, words slurred with exhaustion. “Unless you count my rather pathetic climax alone last night, which I certainly don’t.”

“Not at all?”

He shook his head but didn’t speak again. The vampire lay perfectly still — perfectly undead — and perfectly vulnerable beside him without even a sheet to cover him. His cock now lay soft across the top of his right thigh, still drooling a little and making a mess on his olive skin. Not half as much mess as Alec was currently sporting over his torso, he mused with another smile.

With Sebastien showing no sign of stirring, Alec rolled carefully off the bed and headed on shaky legs to the shower. When he returned, Sebastien hadn’t moved, and he slid in beside him, drawing the sheets up around them and lying there to stare at him in the dimness of the unlit room, processing everything. Sebastien was back, and apparently wanted to stay. He could hardly believe how well that day had gone.

Waking the next morning with a cool, lean body pressed against him, Alec sighed, relieved that it hadn’t all been some kind of fever dream brought on by the stress of the exhibition.

The fact that the man next to him was an undead vampire who didn’t breathe in his sleep was a bit unnerving, and the way he had his cheek now resting on Alec’s collarbone and his nose pressed against his neck should also probably have been a bit of a warning, but Alec couldn’t bring himself to move, except to place a soft kiss on his forehead.

Suddenly, as if surfacing from boundless depths, Sebastien’s body heaved and he drew in a great, sucking, rasping inhale through his mouth. His lips brushed against Alec’s pulse and Sebastien began breathing heavily there for a moment.

“That will never not be weird,” Alec murmured.

“Apologies,” Sebastien muttered, trying to roll away. He paused, freezing, and then whispered, “I fell asleep…” as if that was something miraculous.

“Yeah, you passed out almost as soon as we both finished,” he snickered.

Sebastien turned his big, dark, doe eyes on Alec and said, “No, you don’t understand. Vampires don’t just shut down like that the way humans do. We only sleep somewhere we know is secure and safe…”

“Oh,” Alec said significantly as the realisation plunged through him. He tucked his arm under Sebastien’s head and tugged him closer so that their bodies were once again flush with one another. “I’m glad you felt safe…”

Sebastien sighed, trailing his fingertips across Alec’s chest in absent circles. His cock twitched too, and Alec shot him a look.

With a bashful smile, Sebastien said, “I can’t help that I find you attractive, Alec…”

“Wasn't complaining,” he grinned.

It was a long time before they rolled off each other that morning, with the sun well up and the sheets damp with sweat and tangled around their ankles. Vampires, it seemed, had a longer refractory period than humans, but Sebastien also came so big when he did that Alec wasn’t surprised. He gave everything to Alec when he came that Alec could quite happily lie there all day just staring at him as he came down afterwards.

The room was chilly, however, and when Sebastien seemed to have dozed off again around ten o’clock, he headed to clean up. Again.

As the steam billowed around him, he tipped his head back into the stream of searing water and nearly yelped as the shower door opened and let in a rush of cold air as Sebastien stepped into the stall as well. Cool hands found his waist and then strong fingers kneaded his arse appreciatively before Sebastien kissed and nibbled up his shoulder and traps to his neck. Instinctively, Alec tilted his head to one side and Sebastien moaned, pressing open-mouthed kisses there over and over as the hot water coursed around his lips.

The sensation must have been too much for him because he pulled back sharply with a hiss and Alec turned to face him, water still streaming down around them. Sebastien stood frozen, eyes red, staring at Alec’s neck. “I shouldn’t…” he began. “That was stupid of me… I…”

“What happens to the treaty if the human is willing?” Alec found himself asking. He’d thought about it a lot before drifting off the previous night. If Sebastien had wanted to drink from him, to feed on him, what would happen to the tenuous peace between hunters and vampires like him.

“Don’t,” Sebastien said through gritted teeth. His canines were elongated, Alec noted.

“What happens?”

“The only way it’s permitted is if the human agrees by written contract to become the vampire’s source.”

“‘Source’?” he asked. “That sounds like an official title.”

“It is,” Sebastien said, relaxing a fraction and putting his hands back on Alec’s hips. His cock stirred with interest and Sebastien smiled. He leaned back in, as if proving to both of them that he could do this, and kissed down Alec’s neck again from the junction of his jaw all the way to his collarbones. He ground his hips against Alec and they both began to harden again.

Alec’s hand went to Sebastien’s cock and he started to stroke him gently, knowing he was still sensitive from their last round. Sebastien let out a ragged exhale, the cool breath making Alec shiver slightly in the heat of the water.

“So…” Alec pressed gently, thumbing across the top of Sebastien’s flushed cock.

“Hmm?” he asked, a little stunned.

“What is a source?”

“A human becoming a vampire’s source means that the vampire drinks only from that human. It’s… an ancient - ah - custom,” he said, gripping Alec’s shoulders as Alec upped the speed and adjusted his grip to tighten just a little around his now fully hard cock. “Rarely used today, but still… nngh…”

“Mmm?” Alec grinned, loving that the vampire’s thoughts were unravelling under his touch. “Go on.”

“You’re a menace,” he laughed breathily, nipping playfully at his neck and then kissing him hard. Alec’s back suddenly hit the icy tiles behind him and he yelped, rearing into Sebastien who wasn’t all that much warmer, though the heat of the water was raising his body temperature from the ambient temperature of the room.

“So if…” Alec began, somewhat distracted as Sebastien’s kisses continued and the vampire raked his fingers through Alec’s wet hair, scraping luxuriantly across his scalp hard enough to make him break off and groan. “If… if I wanted to become your…”

“Don’t,” Sebastien whispered. “Not yet. Not so soon after… all this time.”

The subtext was clear. Let’s see if this is going to last before I risk my life with the hunters guild and your family, shall we?

“Fair enough. Nothing to say I can’t suck you off now though, right?”

“Nothing at all,” he whispered and then immediately cursed as Alec sank to his knees and did just that.

It was only as he was handing in his own letter of resignation that the truth really sank in for Alec. He’d gone from post-grad assistant in the department to a full lecturer, where he’d stayed for six years, and now he was moving a little way out of the city, and moving in with his boyfriend of a year. A vampire, nonetheless. His life had gone from miserable to wonderful in that relatively short time.

Sebastien met him at the edge of campus after he’d handed the letter personally to the head of department. Standing under the verdant cherry trees, Sebastien looked like a vision. He wore tight, dark jeans and a loose shirt, half untucked, with his long hair tied back in a loose plait, fly-aways wisping around his head like mist. Alec walked straight up to him as the vampire opened his arms, flung his own arms around Sebastien’s neck, and hugged him.

“All done?” Sebastien asked without pulling back.

He nodded and popped back down from his toes. They were both tall men, but Sebastien had a few inches on him still. With a slightly doe-eyed expression, Sebastien smiled and kissed him gently. “I love you,” he said softly between kisses.

“Come on, you big sap,” Alec said. “I’ve got to be out of my apartment at four.”

“Such a romantic,” Sebastien sighed melodramatically.

With Sebastien’s supernatural strength, loading up the little van they’d hired for his stuff didn’t take long, and after giving his keys back to the landlord and signing the final bits and bobs, they were on the road.

The old farmhouse had been a find of Sebastien’s, and it needed some work. “Well, what else am I going to do on long, impossibly sunny summer days while you’re running your own business from the little art studio at the bottom of the garden?” Sebastien had laughed when they’d first viewed it, the back of his hand pressed to his forehead in a terribly ‘put upon’ gesture. “I might as well spruce the place up.”

“It needs more than a light ‘sprucing up’,” Alec had said, brows raised at the rotten wooden beam and the tired 1950’s kitchen. “And don’t tell me you made your wealth flipping houses back in the day.”

“Would you rather I told you I robbed the Bank of England and they still haven’t noticed?” he replied archly before planting a kiss squarely on Alec’s scratchy, stubble-darkened cheek.

With a scowl, Alec had shot him a look. “I honestly don’t know whether that’s a lie or not…”

“It’s a lie,” Sebastien snorted. “I can’t believe you think I’m a criminal.”

“You’re a vampire,” he’d retorted. “You could probably have just walked in there and demanded a small fortune in gold ingots and they wouldn’t have objected…”

“Please. I do have some scruples. And besides, I only use my charms on poor, miserable artists to get into their pants…”

“And their hearts too, apparently,” he’d scoffed as they’d left the dilapidated house with Sebastien’s hand in Alec’s back pocket, fingers firmly cupped around his arse.

It took another six months for the work to be completed, and even with Sebastien’s not inconsiderable talents in the DIY and home improvement departments, they still had to call in a team of builders to fix the pointing in one wall and to sort out a few other structural issues. But by the end of the work, the farmhouse was quite frankly the most stunning place Alec could ever have dreamed of living. Exposed oak beams and a fireplace big enough to park a tractor in were only half of the best features of the place.

One clear, frosty evening in late October, the pair sat outside on the recently finished patio, a small cast iron fire-pit crackling away and sending sparks and heat twisting up into the night sky, a glass of wine each in one hand and their free hand clasped around the other’s.

“Bastien…?” Alec said, not taking his eyes from the mother-of-pearl points of light in the sky above.

“Mmm?”

“I’ve been thinking a lot lately about… about becoming your source.” He didn’t miss the sharp inhale from his partner, nor the way Sebastien went completely still in the wooden chair beside him. He also didn’t say anything. “I’d… I’d like to ask how often you’d need to feed from me, and… what the repercussions would be for me as the human…”

Still Sebastien didn’t speak for a long time, and Alec worried he’d spoilt the serenity of their evening with the sensitive question. Finally, the vampire cleared his throat and Alec realised with a jolt that he was near tears.

“Bast?”

At the sound of the pet-name, Sebastien blinked rapidly and two mirroring tears tracked down his cheeks in perfect synchrony. “I thought you’d forgotten all about it,” he said in a hoarse croak. “I didn’t want to bring it up again.”

“You should have done, silly,” Alec groused, and he was met with a watery smile that didn’t meet his eyes at all.

“Well, to answer your questions,” he said, trying to sound unaffected even if he clearly was. “Every three months is safe enough, so long as you take an iron supplement. If you don’t, you might feel a little more tired right afterwards. We generally take slightly less than a person would give at a blood donation, if that helps put it into context.”

Alec turned and frowned at him.

“What?”

“You’ve gone all clinical,” he said, shuffling a little and setting his wine glass down on the edge of the stone fire pit. “Do you not want this anymore?”

Sebastien swallowed thickly and looked away. In the ochre and copper flicker of the flames before them, his suddenly red eyes seemed to glow like coals. “More than you know…” he rasped.

“Then what’s the problem?”

He chewed the inside of his cheek for a moment before turning back to face Alec with glassy eyes. “I’m frightened.”

Alec’s scowl deepened and he rose from his chair to straddle and sink down into Sebastien’s lap. Settled in his new position, he kissed Bast’s lips and stroked his loose, white-blond hair out of his eyes. “Of what?”

“Losing control. It’s been… decades since… If I hurt you, Alec… it would break me.”

“How about we start small? Just a taste?”

Sebastien looked so young then in the firelight. He suddenly looked like the twenty year old man he had been when he’d been conscripted into the army and sent out to battle to die, only to be turned at the eleventh hour by a nurse in a field hospital who’d seen something special in him. Thank god she had, Alec mused.

Alec leaned back a little and brought his index finger slowly to Sebastien’s lips. The vampire swallowed, red gaze drifting down to watch its approach before looking back at Alec’s face, searching, questioning, doubting.

Alec nodded and slid his fingertip a few millimetres into Sebastien’s mouth. The vampire inhaled, closed his eyes, and then opened his mouth properly. Alec brought the pad of his fingertip to the underside of his right canine, and pressed.

After a moment, the pressure gave way and a prick of pain like a needle pierced his skin. A bead of blood welled there instantly and he withdrew to let it swell. Sebastien clearly smelled the blood because his pupils dilated and he sucked in a sharp breath.

“Easy,” Alec said. “It’s only a drop.” And with that, he turned his finger over and held it above the tip of Sebastien’s tongue.

Paralysed in a heartbeat of terror, Sebastien sat rigid, frozen, wide eyed, but Alec lowered his finger to meet the slight roughness of his tongue, and Sebastien’s eyes rolled. He moaned and let his tongue play across the tiny pinprick wound, fingers digging into Alec’s hips. The tiny wound had already stopped bleeding, but he sucked gently, drawing a little taste more. Then he released Alec and stared at him, a look of stunned awe on his beautiful face.

“How was that?” Alec asked, briefly thumbing a fond arc across Sebastien’s cheekbone before dropping his hand.

“Manageable,” Sebastien murmured.

“Ok, I have to ask, do I taste good?”

The tense spell that encapsulated both of them broke and Sebastien cracked a smile, fangs and all. “Yes,” he rasped.

“So… I can become your source?”

“If you wish it, yes. You can withdraw the honour at any time. I won’t hold you to it.”

“Good to know,” he said, only half laughing. A moment later, he said, “When… When do you want to start… you know… properly. Formally?”

Sebastien’s eyes had drifted to the rabbiting pulse in his neck.

“Now?” he asked. “It’s only been a few weeks since you went to the blood bank though…”

“That’s…” he said, hands finding Alec’s waist and holding him gently. “That probably works in my favour this time. Are you sure you want this?”

“To be ‘yours’ on your terms as well as mine? Of course,” he smiled, and watched as another tear rolled down his perfect olive cheek. He tilted his head to one side, feeling a little sheepish, and said in barely a whisper, “Whenever you like.”

“Really? Now?” Sebastien hissed, chest suddenly heaving. “Just like that?”

Alec laughed quietly. “It’s not as if we’ve just met. I know you, Bast. I trust you. I wouldn’t offer this to just any old vampire, you know?”

Unable to stop the smile from twisting his lips, Sebastien finally relented with a nod. “Alright. But not here. You’re going to want to be more comfortable.”

“But I’m already comfortable here,” he whined playfully, wiggling his hips in Sebastien’s lap, eliciting a deep, rumbling groan.

With a roll of his red eyes, Sebastien sighed. “Stubborn arse,” he grumbled without sting.

“You love my arse.”

“Yes, you’re right. I do,” he said.

Tenderly he ran his thumb down the line of Alec’s carotid and inhaled deeply. “I love you,” he whispered. And then he leaned close. He took his time kissing Alec’s neck until he was gasping and rocking his hips against Sebastien.

“Please…”

“Last chance,” Sebastien said against the skin of his throat.

Alec shook his head. “I want this. I’m yours.”

So the vampire sank his fangs into the artery. After the initial surprise and sting, Alec’s whole body lit up as the venom hit his bloodstream, and he bucked into Sebastien who held him still with what should have been frightening ease. There was no fear behind the gesture, only longing and love and sweet, aching, rolling, unending pleasure.

“Oh fuck,” Alec moaned, going limp in his arms as Sebastien began to feed, withdrawing his fangs to draw more deeply on him while he held him easily in his arms. The vampire moaned, lips locked against his skin so as not to spill anything. The motion of his throat suddenly fascinated Alec as he swallowed down his own life-force, but before he could raise his hand to touch fingertips to his Adam’s apple, pleasure exploded in his mind and he forgot everything.

When he came back to himself, he was inside, lying on their bed, with a small, soft dressing over his neck, and Sebastien sitting quietly on the bed beside him, staring down at him and holding his hand. As he blinked his eyes, he frowned. “What…?”

“It’s intense the first time,” Sebastien murmured fondly. “I did say you’d want to be somewhere more comfortable.”

“ S’perfect,” he slurred. “Fuck me…” he added, more curse than command.

“Maybe later, hmm?” Sebastien smiled. There was a flush to his cheeks that Alec had never seen before, and a brightness to his eyes.

“C’mere,” Alec said, patting the bed beside him. With Sebastien lying silently next to him, Alec rolled over and hooked one leg over Bast’s thigh. “Love you,” he mumbled, sinking into a deep and exhausted sleep, even as Sebastien’s hand came up to cradle his head.

The vampire smiled, kissing his forehead. “I love you too.”

___

Hope you've enjoyed this 23,700k story! Looking forward to your comments as always. Don’t forget to let me know if you did enjoy it by leaving a like and/or reblogging it!

#vampire #exophilia #male vampire #male vampire x human #male vampire x male human #vampire x human

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verytiredblob · 3 years

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My reviews on Manhwas

Alright so, recently I've began to fall into the great Manhwa hell, as if I didn't have enough fandoms.

But I neither have friends to chat about this with, nor a Discord chat where I can fanby about it, so I just decided to throw it in here.

These are both Manhwas I recommend and my opinions on them. If there are any spoilers, They will be striked through and in blue for anyone that wishes to avoid them (if anyone even reads this lol).

1. The Villainess Reverses the Hourglass (악녀는 모래시계를 되돌린다)

Premise: Aria was a terrible person and was sentenced to dead by being beheaded. In her final moments, she discovers her step sister, Mielle, actually manipulated her during her entire life just so she could get Aria killed. She then is beheaded, and wakes up in the past, in her child body. So now, she must work to both survive and get her revenge on her sister.

Lovely story, and my first Manhwa. The art is simply stunning, and all the characters are very flashed out and developed. Aria (MC) is the pettiest person alive and I'm here for that.

Also, I noticed a trend where, even though the manhwa has "Villainess" in the title, the MC is usually a total angel. Well, not here. Aria is egotistical and a total Diva, she has her goals and one of them is her revenge and by all that is sacred she'll get it.

Mielle is a great villain, she has grown a lot in her own pettiness and tactics since she was a child, and I really like that. Also, watching her suffer for being a terrible person is delightful.

The Male Lead (Asher) is also really cool, I like how he's both witty and friendly, and how much he truly admires Aria and her achievements.

The side characters are also pretty good, and they get a lot of focus because of their interactions with the main cast.

Again, The art is S T U N N I N G. Look at this:

Literally all panels are drawn like this or better, I'm in love.

All in all, an awesome read, 10/10, I love this a lot.

2. The Monster Duchess And Contract Princess (괴물 공작가의 계약 공녀)

Premise: Leslie's life was terrible, and always centered on her big sister, Eli. After a failed attempt of her family to grant Eli her sister's skills and knowledge, Leslie searches for the feared "Monster Duchess" in an attempt to survive.

Another one with incredible art AND incredible characters. Leslie is an absolute angel, and seeing her grow as a person is awesome.

The gender envy I feel with the Duchess is unbearable, she's utterly perfect. And the entire family is so dotting and loving and sweet, my little grinch heart can't take it.

She's perfection, really.

The plot keeps getting more and more mysterious, and I'm here for it!

I love each of the main characters a lot, and even the villains are well done and fuel your hatred.

Also, Eli Sperado and her Dad can choke on those black flames for all eternity.

Another 10/10, although I must warn anyone that wishes to read this that the translations sometimes are very spotty and messy, so it can be a bit annoying.

3. I'll be the Matriarch in this Life (이번 생은 가주가 되겠습니)

Premise: Firentia was a girl that died in Korea in her past life, and was reborn into an influential family as the illegitimate daughter of the third son. Her life was pretty terrible, with in the end, her family ending up in poverty and disgrace because of her uncles and cousins, while she was exiled from the family. After another accident, she wakes up in her past, now with a goal: Become the Lombardi matriarch and stop the other family heirs from bringing it to ruin.

Awesome art and Awesome plot number 3! This is so good, genuinely. Firentia is such an awesome plotter, and her goals and actions are very well developed.

The Male Lead is my baby and I shall protect him, and the side characters? Utterly stunning.

The twins are the cutest fucking shit, seriously. Like, look at these two?? I'm dead. Although, all the children are very, veeery cute.

I like how Firentia subtly manipulates things around her to get what she wants. It's similar to Aria, but she's much more mature and knowledgeable, and has a much less petty goal.

Guess what? 10/10. Yeah, I know, I'm terrible at grading, sue me.

4. The Twins Siblings' New Life (쌍둥이 남매의 뉴라이프)

Premise: Arien and Arjen were a pair of twins that died in Korea, and were reborn again as twins and as the Emperor's illegitimate children. Now, with only each other to trust, they must do their best to survive.

My current obsession. I really like this one. The art is not on the same level of pure Awesome like the ones before, but it's pretty good nonetheless.

The plot is pretty nice, but I must warn you: DO NOT expect them to act like adults. Honestly, just forget they're meant to be reborn in this world. They're just normal children and that's it. They act like children, and they think like children. Honestly, I think the author just wanted to make this story about them as children and their producer went and said to make them reincarnates because that Isekai shit is popular nowadays (And to justify they having memories of their newborn days). Seriously, just ignore it, the experience reading will be much better.

Other than that, the story develops nicely. The characters are all very good and the plot is very mysterious. I am holding myself back to not spoil anything, aaaaa.

There is also only one another thing that disappoints me: Arien is very clearly the MC. The story is told by her eyes and we only know what Arjen thinks or feels when he says it 9 or by subtext). I really wish it was more balanced, because they're both different people and have different perspectives, and also I really like Arjen.

I have absolutely no idea where this plot is gonna go, and honestly? I like it. It's very rare when I don't know how things are gonna develop because of other stories, so it feels very fresh.

The brothers are freaking awesome. I was so scared they were going to hate the twins and be petty, because of other manhwas that are like that, but they're so loving and sweet?? All hail these idiots. Also, Daddy is the biggest dumbass of all, this poor clueless man.

An 8/10, because of the complaints above. Still a good read, and I really like it, even with it's defects.

4. I'm A Stepmother, But My Daughter Is Just Too Cute! (계모인데 딸이 너무 귀여워)

Premise: A seamstress dies of overwork in Korea, and wakes up in the body of Abigail, the vain Queen, and the evil stepmother to the princess Blanche. Yes, It's like she stepped into the world of Snow White, and she must now do her best to live and.. Dote on Blanche with toys and dresses as much as possible?

Again with the awesome art and nice plot. Why are there so many manga with awesome art?? I'm so envious.

May all hail this crispy, delicious art.

Abigail is a whole mood, and I enjoy how she is inserted into the life of someone who had already lived and had a reputation. Her actions baffle a lot of the characters, as do her motivations, and I'm here for it.

The King has also an amazing backstory that's very tragic and yikes. I enjoy it, really. Not something you see in men's backstories that much.

Also, I'm kinda saddened by the fact the MC and the king are bound to become an actual couple. They would be such good platonic friends stuck in a political marriage. I was robbed, y'all.

Abigail greatest ambition is to get to design a dress for Blanche and have her wear it, and you know what? Good for her! Sometimes, it's good to have an MC that is not plotting against world at large.

Also, her mirror? Verite is simply perfect, I love this guy. I non-jokingly ship him with Abigail more than her with the King.

Blanche is a sweetheart, she deserves to be in my "adopted children" wall.

For now it's more of a Slice of Life than anything? But I also don't know what happens in the novels, so I'm just going to wait.

For the current lack of a grater plot, this gets a 7/10. Still pretty good and entertaining, especially for when you just don't feel like trying to understand deep plots with lots of elements.

5. Beware of the Brothers! (그 오빠들을 조심해!)

Premise: Another one of those "I lived my life and then wake up in the past." Hari was adopted by this family after the death of their only daughter, and although her parents love her, her 3 older siblings very much don't. She lives a miserable life in their hands, and when it's the night before she is to get married and finally escape her brothers, she wakes up in the past, and has to deal with them all over again.

Another nice art one, and the background characters are very nice, as is the MC.

But for me, it has a big problem. And that problem is the main ship. It's Hari with her eldest brother, Eugene. Even though they are not related and yadda yadda yadda, they were raised as such, and thus it bothers me. Also, Eugene is as plain as white bread and just as generic when seen as the Male Lead.

I ship Hari with Johan, even though I know it's not gonna happen, Ugh, the pain..

For me, the main point in this is Hari's relationship with her other siblings and the other background characters. I'm here for that wholesome sibling interaction. Her relationship with Erich, specially, is awesome. I love these two so much

It also kinda lacks a plot? Other than the relationship development and their story as a family, but again, I have no idea how they will develop this.

Also, pet peeve? Why do they keep using Oppa instead of translating it properly as brother? I get honorifics and stuff, but it's so annoying.

I give it a 6/10. Good characters and good relationships outside of the bloody incest thing, and it's a good enough way to pass the time.

There are two more that I've read, buut it's like 4am and I'm sleepy as all hell, so I'll just add it in a reblog or attached post later, and I plan on doing this for other future manhwas as well.

Do you have any recommendations or comments or just wanna talk about any of these manhwas? Hit me up!

#The villainess reverses the hourglass #the monster duchess and contract princess #i'll be the matriarch in this life #I'm a stepmother but my daughter is just too cute!#Beware of the brothers!#manhwa #webtoon #manhwa recommendation #isekai

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atopearth · 3 years

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Brothers Conflict (Passion Pink) Part 1 - Asahina Masaomi Route

I am happy to announce that I will try my best to play Brothers Conflict in Japanese! Yes, it was Christmas so I splurged and bought Diabolik Lovers, Brothers Conflict and Norn9 hahahah. Hopefully I can do this! Apparently Brothers Conflict is an easy read because it's slice of life and uses normal everyday words so let's go! Ema and her squirrel Juli huh? That's kinda cute lmao. Anyway, I know the basic premise but it's kinda crazy to have like 11 new brothers, like wow. And her squirrel talks?! I guess it's nice to have a such a reliable squirrel "parent" for Ema since it seems so capable haha. I don't blame Ema for being so nervous though haha. Oh wow, Miwa (the lady Ema's father is remarrying) is rich and nice! Hahahaha, Ema thinks Masaomi is Wataru's dad, is he that old looking?🤣 Anyway, I know it's a game so Ema has to be surprised to know all these hot guys etc are her new brothers but if this was real life and I was nervous about meeting all these brothers by myself, I would definitely hope to have seen or have a photo of them with me lmao. Anyway, lmao at Wataru giving Ema candy for accidentally hurting her when he couldn't stop his bike in time lolll, who is the little kid here?!🤣 Awww, I don't like fan clubs but I do like Iori! He seems cool and kinda knows how to handle his fangirls. Ukyo mightttt be my type, we'll see🤣 Anyway, Ema is such a considerate daughter for not wanting to intrude on her father's newlywed life and deciding to live in the Sunrise Residence with all the other brothers, I would be so scared to live with a bunch of new random siblings lol.

Is a sunflower badge a symbol to show you're a lawyer or something? That's pretty cool! Anyway, Masaomi is the eldest son?! I totally assumed Ukyo would have been the oldest haha! Guess looks are deceiving. Hahaha, Ukyo calling him "nii-san" (older brother) is a shockk🤣 I admit that Kaname's purple kimono looks pretty cool, but dang, kissing the back of Ema's hand and then saying can he kiss other places too?! That's a great way to introduce yourself... I'm so glad Ukyo hit him for doing that lol. Lmaooo I thought Kaname was going to be a fashion designer of some sort but he's actually a Buddhist priest?! Wow lol. Oooh I like Tsubaki and Azusa's looks! They're cute, are they twins? Okay yep, they are. I love them already🤣 Omggg and they're both voice actors? They're getting cooler by the second🤣 I love how friendly Tsubaki is lol. I love how just as Ukyo hits Kaname for getting out of hand, Azusa does the same for Tsubaki lol. Lmao at Ema thinking to herself whether Tsubaki is "okay" in the sense of whether there's anything wrong with him because of how he talks hahahaa. Awww Subaru seems cute, he's shy with girls even though he's a university student! OMG Tsubaki is older than Subaru? I can't tell these age differences lol!! I like Iori a lot though hahaha. Lmao I thought Iori recognised Ema's school uniform because he knew girls from there but it was actually because Yuusuke (another brother) goes there hahaha, sorry my bad Iori. Tsubaki is so slack to hide from Yuusuke that they were going to have a new sister lolll. But his reaction was funny so I can understand. I find it hilarious how Yuusuke can't handle Ema being sad over him not approving of this loll, so he had to just agree to make her happy haha. HAHAHA, when Kaname asked Ema to call him "onii-chan" LOL, like geez dude!! And then even Tsubaki joined in🤣 I like Azusa, so I'm glad there was an option to call him onii-chan loll. I think it was pretty funny how they got her to keep calling them onii-chan lmao, it was nice how she played along with them and got to enjoy having so many siblings considering that it must have been pretty lonely with just her dad and he's probably busy working a lot of the time.

Awww that's so sweet, Ema woke up early hoping to make breakfast for the brothers! She's such an awesome sister. I have to agree with Ema, Kaname exercising early in the morning is a surprise haha. I honestly thought Ukyo would be the one there...and he is! Ukyo is the one who cooks breakfast and all the meals I guess! Lmao at the cute rabbit apron he wears🤣 Ukyo best boyyy! Omg Rui is pretty, I love his hair. But I find it so funny how he's like touching her hair and Ema is like so calmly just introducing herself to him lmao. Oooh, so we have another idol brother, lmao at Ema thinking the family were fans instead of him being a brother, like what are the chances that they would all be fans of him🤣🤣 Aww Mahoko looks like a cute best friend for Ema. Sasakura (the soccer ace guy) seems pretty friendly to offer to help Ema move. I have to agree with Ema though, Masaomi in work mode is nice to watch, I always think it's so sweet to see guys so kind and patient with kids (even though I don't like kids🥲). It was so sweet how Ema so honestly told him she would have liked a doctor like him when she was a kid, Masaomi blushing at her praise was actually pretty cute lol. Awww, his pocket is full of chocolates and other stuff as rewards for the kids! It's nice that he has a whole variety of stuff like stickers and mini cars since he doesn't want to give them too many sweets. It must be so heavy though lmao.

Fuuto sleeping CG is pretty cute~ LOL did he just say Ema is cute but it seemed like she's dumb?! Well, there goes your idol dreams, Ema lol. Lmao when he said she didn't deny it and said she's an idiot, like woww, way to go Fuuto, you're definitely an ass. He's probably traumatised or annoyed with his fangirls or something. I can so relate to Ema's rage, I would want to strangle Fuuto loll. Okay, I did something wrong and didn't realise I needed to go to the aquarium with Masaomi! Lmao at Ema saying all the fish are cute lol. Blushing Masaomi is so adorable though. It was so cute how he got embarrassed for not realising that he was really close to her, and it was so cute how Ema tried to explain that she didn't hate it and that it just made her heart beat really fast😂 Aww Ema and Masaomi both like small animals. Damn, these guys are rich, do they have a villa on an island?!! I think it's really nice how they all take the time out to go on holiday with the whole family there every summer vacation though. Considering how many of them there are and how busy they are, it's good to see that they try to make the effort to bond with each other. They've even got a private beach on a part of the island, danggg. Anyway, I love how welcoming the brothers are. I agree with Iori, Ema is really admirable to even do supplementary classes to help with going to her dream university, she's working hard!

You know, considering that these guys are her "brothers", I find it funny that they're quite unreserved towards the idea of doing date-like stuff with her loll! Like with the amusement park, Masaomi held her hand to keep it warm after she got a bit freaked out with the haunted house attraction lol! I guess considering the game, I should just throw that all out of the window and just enjoy it for what it is haha. I mean, I gotta admit, it's pretty cute. I guess it's not that cute after I looked at their character profiles and realised that Masaomi is actually 31 and Ema is like 16-17? Oh well, I guess I'll ignore that too😂 Aww, Masaomi seems like such a parent, he's sad that his brothers are older now and they don't rely on him as much for stuff anymore. I guess that would be something good but also sad to see. It's interesting how the dialogue changes when you get more hearts. It's like initially, Masaomi used to be like, nah I'm not free into yeah I'm free, and now he's just like let's go lol. I think the nicest change is that he used to leave to go somewhere else after their outing, but now he goes home with her. I think something that's nice to see is Masaomi "spoiling" her, like he doesn't do anything over the top, just simple stuff like buying her a strap, holding her bags etc, but I feel like because she's always lived only with her father, and now that he has a new partner, she's even more reserved towards not wanting to trouble others, so I think Masaomi treating her sweetly is nice. I find it so sweet how he understands her so well that he knows that she would feel bad about it, so he asks her to buy snacks for everyone in exchange. I love how Ema made a whole bunch of sandwiches on their zoo date, I love little picnics~ And it's so cute how she offered to make him lunch next time since he's always so busy with work that most of the time he just buys rice balls and sandwiches from the convenience store.

I'm so excited for their trip!! Lmao, I really want to see Ema's swimsuit now, considering how Subaru was so surprised by it, he told her to wear his jacket🤣 Aww playing with fireworks at the beach with Masaomi was nicee~ I think Masaomi really gives off that great big brother vibe that will ensure she'll never feel lonely, it's really heartwarming to see. Omggg there's the option to stay overnight in Masaomi's room now!! Not that anything happened (for now) since he just helped her study and she fell asleep there~ but it was really cute to know that Masaomi keeps all the letters he gets from his current and old patients, it's sweet that his room is "messy" because of it haha. Gotta love how Masaomi took his other futon to clean so now they have to share a futon lol, like how far away is Ema's room lolll! But anyway, it's fine I guess because it's cute~ It seems like from way back when he was a kid, Masaomi was already mature and stepped up to be the big brother that would help out his parents because they're so busy. I still wonder how he survives as a doctor if he nearly faints after seeing a little bit of blood lol, but yeah it's crazy how much of Masaomi's life revolves around his family. Even him choosing to be a doctor was because he wanted something stable, good income and have useful knowledge for taking care of his family if anything were to happen so that his parents wouldn't need to worry. He's such a good child. I found it so wonderful how Ema praised Masaomi for his work saying she could really see how much his patients really trust him and see how earnest he is with his work. Can't blame him for feeling so embarrassed hahahha. Okay, I'm dying at how sweet Masaomi's lines become. Now when you ask him on a date, he's like are you sure you want to spend your precious break day with me?! Hahaha, of course we do! And now when you ring his doorbell hoping to stay over, he looks forward to Ema being the one to ring it, I love it so much🥺 I find it so cute how he's more conscious of her staying over so late now hahaha. Omggg, he just asked if it was okay to share the same futon and Ema was like sure, awww that's so cuteee, they're practically together now lol. Omggg he confessed that he liked her when he thought she fell asleep! He even kissed her on the forehead! Awww!! I wonder how Ema will react now~

Kaname really loves to flirt with Ema allll the time doesn't he lol. Subaru blushing at Ema having baked his birthday cake for him is so cuteeee. Anyway omg, does everyone actually already like her?? Even Iori said he was happy that it was because Ukyo was busy so she ended up having to bake the cake and not because she wanted to since the beginning😮 Anyway, it was so cute how Masaomi said he wanted to be the first to congratulate her when she turns 20 (since they just came back from Subaru's 20th birthday), and okay, it seems like Ema lives kinda far from the guys?? Lol, I thought it was a shared house kinda thing. Anyway, their accidental kiss seeming led up to Masaomi giving her another kiss?! I feel like my heart was beating fast like Ema's lmao. LMAO when Masaomi offered a kid to ride on his shoulders to see the dolphin show properly (he even called himself an big brother/onii-san) and the kid still calls him an uncle/oji-san hahahaha. HAHAHA, I love how Ema readied herself to have Masaomi check her with a stethoscope (she was sick) since it feels embarrassing and she raised her clothes so high, he saw her bra or something lmao. LOL, Usa-tan sounds like an amazing doll that can shoot out stationery, record, be a calculator etc, like dang lolll. Omggg that Ema had to wear bunny cosplay for the school festival cafe, lmao when Yusuke saw it and was embarrassed lol. Ohhh, there's another older brother called Natsume who moved out of the mansion! I've lost track of how many there are honestly but Natsume is pretty good-looking. I'm so glad Azusa made Natsume apologise to Ema properly for being so rude to her when he didn't know who she was and reacted badly to her calling his name so familiarly. WHAT, TRIPLETS? Them being triplets is definitely a shock to me like whaaaat omg. Once again, impressed that Miwa had so many children and looks so good. I seeee, so Tsubaki and Azusa are identical but Natsume is fraternal oooo. Anyway, I was so shocked that I forgot to say I didn't even think about a wedding ceremony so I'm glad there is one for her father and Miwa hahaha. LOL when Miwa gave Ema the bouquet and told her if she likes any of her sons, she would help them hold the ceremony, like dang, she's already decided that she wants her new "daughter" to be like a true daughter loll. Gotta love it when your parents are supportive of you marrying your step brothers lolll. Anyway, seriously though, I guess that makes it easier for them later on with no parental drama haha.

It's so cute how Masaomi gives candy to Ema as a reward all the time hahaha. Well, Ema not being the real daughter of Rintaro was unexpected... I felt sorry for her when she found out and felt that she would be all alone if her dad told her the truth properly. I feel like Ema's always tried her best to be strong on her own because her dad was always busy, but he was family and she knew he would always be there because they're tied by such bonds so it was okay even if she was sad that she couldn't see him much, so I feel like her breaking down is understandable. I thought it was really sweet how Masaomi told her that he would always be by her side so she would never be alone, and that if she's still sad after talking to her dad, she can always go to him for help. It's sad that her parents died so early in her life, but I'm glad Rintaro decided to take care of her instead of leaving her all alone in some institution. It was also nice that Ema got to hear what she needed to hear, which was that even if they're not connected by blood, Ema is still his daughter, and I think it really helped her insecurities to hear her dad properly tell her that.

Lmaooo when Ema thought Hikaru was Kaname's girlfriend😂 On the other hand, I'm not sure what to think about Tsubaki and Kaname being "moe" to little sisters lolll, but I guess at least they're quite frank and obvious about Ema totally being their type lolll. Anyway, I guess now we've seen all the brothers! I knewww Miwa was going to ask Masaomi to go to an omiai but danggg. Especially since he's the oldest brother so I guess it was to be expected in his route. Awww I love how Masaomi so honestly told the girl he had someone he liked. I legit can't wait until they both tell each other their feelings, I'm so excited!! Lmaooo, Masaomi in a Santa Claus costume looks so funny hahaha. Awww he bought Ema a Christmas present!! It's nice that Masaomi gave Ema her very own Usa-tan! Anyway, omggg Azusa and Tsubaki are sooo close, it's actually kinda cute how much they love each other haha. I loved how Ema properly thanked all the guys during the Christmas party for looking for her when she ran away after realising her dad wasn't blood related to her, and I loved how they told her it was natural since she's family. When he hugged her thanking her for always encouraging him and supporting him, it was so cuteee, I love how much Ema loves seeing the serious Masaomi that dedicates himself to saving people however he can.

Masaomi is usually so tired from work, but I love how he's always like Ema is always welcome to visit his room! I think it was especially cute when Ema was about to go back knowing that he didn't get much sleep and she woke him up, but he knew that she wouldn't randomly just come to annoy him for nothing, so thankfully he got her to not feel like she was bothering him and gave him the chocolate~ Masaomi blushing is always the cutest~ Lmaooo Ema is like a pro gamer😂 I found it so funny how Subaru and Ema just told Yusuke to pick up items because he's weak😂 Awww Masaomi was sad that Ema didn't react to the pink heart necklace he gave her through Usa-tan! To be fair he did do it in a really roundabout way so I guess it's understandable that she didn't notice it, but luckily she did lol, so now she doesn't need to misunderstand that he thinks of her as just a kid. Ohhh, I thought Masaomi was just jealous that Ema was having fun with Subaru and them, but it was actually because he thought that Ema would probably have more fun and be more happy with a guy around her age and that's why he was sad🥺 I'm so happy that they both told each other their worries and how much they enjoyed their time together. Ema definitely was more brave to say she wanted to always stay beside him though haha. Lmao at Masaomi having eaten so many sweets at that shop he bought the white day presents for Ema loll. Anyway, I didn't realise Fuuto was actually like 2 years younger than Ema, considering how arrogant he seemed, I thought he was around the same age lol. Anyway, I obviously rose the wrong stuff and didn't get the best ending LOL. I was so sad when Masaomi was like, you'll always be my sister or something and it ended, and I was like excuse meeee!? Anyway, I redid the whole thing LOL. I knew that Masaomi had to get over the blood thing if something happened to Wataru so I'm glad Ema was there to kinda wake him up to do that haha. I missed out Ema in a kimono CG!! She was so beautiful!! And omggg, their wedding and expecting a baby endings were nice~ Definitely worth me going through all that again just to see it lol.

Overall, if you can ignore the fact that Masaomi is like 30 and Ema is 17, then this route was quite nice. Well, to be fair, the whole premise is a grey area so I guess the age gap shouldn't be a problem for most who decide to try this game haha. Anyway, I really liked Masaomi. He's like the oldest brother that's super caring about his family, but also a bit childish, maybe because he's kinda like Wataru's father lol. I thought Masaomi was the one who took care of most of the brothers but Masaomi got too busy with his job so that kinda fell on Ukyo instead, which I'm looking forward to in the future! But yeah, I really loved how kind, gentle and sweet Masaomi was all the time, and I really liked how much he had that nice older brother vibe that I super dig lol. You can say, he really soothed my heart LOL, like every time I spend some time going through the route, he always makes my heart warm and makes me smile because of how kind he is, and I just really loved that. I always love how he always takes interest in his patients' interests and does his best to understand them so he can better interact with these kids and make them have an easier time in the hospital. Anyway, I'm super proud of myself that I was able to finish this route in Japanese!! I probably didn't understand 100% of it, but I think I got most of it and I'm so happy about that! I probably spent wayyy too much time on the dictionary searching for kanji but I can definitely see the progress and I'm looking forward to finishing all the routes! It's still kinda crazy to me though, like I still remember once upon a time, I really wanted to play this game and honestly hoped for a localisation one day, but now I've given up and decided to just practise my Japanese with it instead lol. It's interesting how things have come to be, but I'm excited for the rest~

#brothers conflict

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samnyangie · 3 years

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Personal reviews on RSL filmography

Rsl, iI thought it’d be a good idea to record my thought on each films rsl was in, it was something I always wanted to do...

Rsl in total, was starred in (excluding tv series etc) 27-ish films, to be honest, considering his years as an actor(approximately more than 30 years) he wasn’t starred in that many. We all know why lol

Just saying I’m not a film expert, therefore the list is very subjective.

The reviews with trigger warning (r*pe, g*re etc): Tape, Killer: Journal of Murder, A glimpse of hell. Tho in the writing I’ve censored them with * since I don’t feel comfortable saying them here

There isn’t particular spoilers except for dps, tape, and ground control

The favourites (literally my life time films)

Dead Poets Society

I assume many would agree, and as many would have, it was my first ever rsl film, like I was on the plane and it was one of the films they offered, and I was like, oh I think i heard of this, so I watched and instantly loved it. The message is very relevant to this day, the cinematography is very beautiful and somehow nostalgic. I was horrified with Neil’s death. Tbh now I’ve seen too many memes and all kind of things from the fandom (which I’m grateful for!) I thought the heartfelt I once had would deluded a bit, however when I watched it again last April with my family at the cinema and it still moved me very deeply.

The age of Innocence

Okay, unpopular opinion here, I love this so much. It’s my all time favourite rsl film. It even outruns dps tiny winy bit haha. Aside from how he had tiny winy screen time, appearing at the end but the fact that he played quite an important role and him being gorgeous in it just<33 I couldn’t help but smiling! It just the whole film was so much of my cup of tea? The melodrama and the hypocrisy hidden by elegance among the upper social classes in 19th century is just what I needed. The more I watch it, the more I understand the characters and their emotions, it’s one of those films you should keep visit to discover the things you weren’t aware of before. I watched it again this morning and i couldn’t stop thinking about it. However, I know some people find it boring and I understand why, my sister is one of them lol(except for a bit where rsl was in) but i think it’s more complex than what it appears to be at a first glance haha. In conclusion, it became one of my comfort film to watch time to time.

The ones I like<33

Swing kids

At first viewing, I didn’t expected much because it had underwhelming reviews but when I actually saw it, I thought it was quite decent and more and more I watched it, I felt like it was underrated. Yes, I think some directing choices were bit old fashioned and cheesy especially the ending, I’m not saying it was a perfect masterpiece but it deserves more recognition than it has now. Also in spite that there’re some parts being too simplified, it touched on something other films about ww2 normally don’t. It was interesting to see the German perspective on it than Jewish or the allies perspective like many of them does, but of course the latter perspectives matter, it could be argued that they more valid than the former, which partly was where sk criticised for, however, the portrayal of the varied reactions of the German people (in this one particular the teenagers) has its value in their on way. Anyway along side with it, the music and the dance scenes were great, without exaggeration, though Swing kids isn’t my fav, peter’s solo dance scene is my favourite scene in any movies I’ve ever watched. I mean that scene had both visuals and meaning as it demonstrated Peter’s determination as well as resentment with a hitch of unsureness. Rsl acting in that scene was just phenomenal, it’s not about showing off the dancing skills but he portrayed every mixed emotions peter has from his expression and the moves, I just can’t talk about this enough especially this scene was the reason I started fallen for him. lol

Much ado about nothing

Much ado is something I never seen anything like so it was a refreshing exprience. I barely watched Shakespeare on screen kind of thing. Though I felt there were some bits too cheesy for me but they are also the charms in the same time, and the cinematography was pretty also Claudio aka rsl, it was like an official announcement of declaring my worship on this man. Especially it was after SWING KIDSSSS so I couldn’t help it now everyone knows how I fallen for him but no one can blame meeeeee Anyway, it’s a really good film to watch when you want be relaxed with cup of tea maybe hehe

In the gloaming

I heard about it before I watched it, that it’s a heart wrenching, tearful piece, though I didn’t managed to cry, it’s just.... painful and in a way heartfelt. I liked that story telling was calm and collected rather than forcing you to join the sob party, just showing the characters to carry on. And thanks to the great acting from the cast, the characters could be emphasised and understood, personally the older sister was the most relatable character for me, well, eldest complex lol. In short I liked it but it’s not something I would watch it often.

Last days of Disco

As a person who looks at aesthetic in films, I simply enjoyed this for that tbh. I don’t know, I just liked the feeling. But I don’t think it’d be everyone’s cup of tea. I love the day time clothes the girls wore in the film. Tbh I love the music too, I think I love all the films of rsl with music in it. Speaking about rsl, oh rsl, he’s.... His character might be bit unlikable but he was just.... This is why I can’t unlove his characters even the debatable ones<33

They were decent! (I would recommend it)

Married to it

This is the first and last ever attempt of rsl of romcomssss The film itself is cliche to be frank it’s like love actually but it’s about marriage life + it’s not christmas but I like heartfelt cliche stories like this, if anyone also loves this type of story, it’s really worth watching, it’s one of my comfort films, also, rsl is so pretty I mean he always is but to see him being a office man with a baby face made me go awww my baby grew up heheh I wish he did another romcom like this or more preferably, melodramatic romance, I’d have made a shrine of it and worship it every morning lol

The boys next door

I kind of smiled while watching it throughout, if you want something that is heartfelt and touch on some serious topic about social workers and the people with mental disorder, Rsl plays a character who has (I think it was) Schizophrenia and troubled relationship with his father(Deja vu I know) but general atmosphere tend to be quite humourous. I don’t get me wrong, though it’s light hearted, it doesn’t mean they treat the topic in the same way. There’s a scene where the protagonist imagining the one of the characters with the disorder talking eloquently and honourably at the court on the rights and the dignity of the people with mental disorders deserve to/should have and they’re just the same people as the people without mental disorders. It was a powerful scene.

My two loves

Rsl’s first ever screen debut film! Hehe it’s about a woman who is discovering her sexual identity and the conflicts within I personally thought it was fairly sensible depiction but I can’t say for sure whether it was accurate or else, since I don’t think it’s my place to say it:) But if you’re interested, it’s on YouTube, you can just search for it or go to this post I made. Fun fact: since it was his debut film, it credits him as he’s real name, Robert L. Leonard, I just find it amusing haha

Tape

It’s another type of film I don’t encounter that often, I enjoyed it, especially with Neil and Todd’s reunion lol. Rsl mentioned how he enjoyed it because it felt like doing a play, my first impression was that the structure is like a play, though the camera work made me quite dizzy haha. But the dialogues, the acting, I think it was quite spot on. Especially the human contradictions and hypocrisy side of it. The most people assume the baddie in the film is Jon the character rsl played and has a distaste for him. I mean how can anyone love a character who is accused of r*pe but to be honest, Vincent for me seemed just as problematic, both of them are hypocrites for sure in their own different ways but in the end we can’t be sure what’s really the truth or not. It’s about the vagueness, and phychology and the uncertainty from the audience on who to believe(well, myself included, most would trust on Amy’s claims since she’s the victim in the accusation, but by her denying the claims, making everything way unclear,) so I don’t know. I don’t really have an opinion haha tho I don’t believe nothing happened because Amy denied so, even Umma Thurman who played her, said that her interpretation was that Amy lied. I felt it’s endless rabbit hole this film. Sorry I couldn’t worded it better.

My best friend is a Vampire

It’s cringey and weird but there’re odd charm to it. Vampire rsl’s so cute as well.... and I think it’s the only film, he acted kind of flirty ? So for that itself I’d like to appreciate itttt And it’s so 80s/90s, like it has general odd nostalgia like all films from that age has. I saw a Korean blog about rsl films and this was mentioned, that- they said- it’s a bible of rsl’s adorableness and I think that sum up the film perfectly.

Mr&Mrs Bridge

Before this was in ‘I mean it was fine” category, but I watched it again and now I want to retract my statement lol Still isn’t my fav but I noticed how delicately depicted each characters are, Mr and Mrs Bridge in particular. This film is alternatively about the changes in the young generation regarding liberty, feminism, free expression especially on sex. It’s in the perspective of the bridges, the mother and father who is old fashioned and conservative (as it was normal in their previous generation) and the children who are the young generation, and the misunderstanding and conflicts between them. After all it all happened not only because of the difference but also the lack of communication, which rsl emphasised in his interviews. I found it interesting that they made it seems like the Bridges truly existed with the video footage and (with the ending) describing what happened to each family member in text with photos. When I watched it at first I was really confused if it was based on a real life. I think what they wanted to suggest was that the Bridges every typical American family at the time. It was something everyone was going through. I said previously I didn’t get why Rsl’s character (the youngest in the Bridges) treated his mother so coldly. Honestly I do get why, but I guess I felt so bad so the mother haha

I mean it was fine

The safe passage

It was okay but to be honest it didn’t stood out to me. It was okay. The story, the characters weren’t that interesting. I wish they extended it longer to go depth with their family relationship or something.

A painted house

I find it likeable, it has a chill, old folk story vibe, but same as previous one. it didn’t really stand out except for shirtless rsl, do close ups you cowards

Bluffing it

I was really fond of the premise of this film and I think it has great intention. It was specifically made to promote the awareness of illiteracy and how to get support. However, I don’t get the reason of Jack the protagonist’s illiteracy. Unless, it was common occurrence in America at the time, I feel like it’d have been more convincing if he was in poor family hood, so there was no time to learn at school due to working at young age...? I mean, just finding it hard to believe he passed the high school just like that, I mean the teachers or anyone should have noticed it, maybe I’m missing something here but it seemed unlikely to me.

Ground control

Again, I liked the message, as it depicted how frightening and difficult job the ground controller is, by one mistake could take away the lives of hundreds, especially as someone who goes on planes a lot... But it was quite cliche throughout, I just couldn’t get engaged to it. But I do admit at the end when the protagonist runs off to the landing zone see the pilot who he had just saved, they acknowledged each other and have eye contacts was truly wholesome. Rsl as cocky, bad boy was such a icing on the cake, I loved it so much. Chewing gum in every scene lol I hope he plays these sort of characters more often. I saw someone criticising him saying he has narrow spectrum of just playing nice boy roles like Neil but I really wanted to debunk the narrative and this could be one of the examples!

Chelsea walls

I knew that this has split reviews but nonetheless I think worth to watch it, 1. Ethan and rsl re union, 2. Ethan is the directer of the film and rsl sing in it. But I have to say, it’s one of those hard to follow art indie film so I couldn’t finish it on one go. I feel like I have to devour it over and over again. Maybe later on I grow fond of it more lol But his character, I loved him so much. He’s just has everyone don’t touch me, I’m a cocky artist vibe, there’s a scene where his annoying friend annoying him and he looks up and says: ‘Fck off’. Absolute golddddd not to mention he sings and plays guitar so beautifully<333

Well... it’s not my cup of tea

The Manhattan project

I don’t think the film it self was that bad, it’s about high school boy who find out the existence of some nuclear energy research lab and stole the energy to make his own nuclear bomb. I just don’t get the thinking process of the protagonist. It really frustrated me. He seemed apathetic and unlikable I disliked him throughout and that’s why I didn’t really enjoyed it. I mean it has humour and ridiculous storyline might be humorous to some. But more importantly there was such little screen time for rsl!! LIKE WHY? WHY PEOPLE?? HE LOOKS LIKE A FRESH HUMAN MOCHI!!! It makes me soooo mad to think about it

Killer: Journal of Murder

Well, first of all, it had a lot of graphic things than I imagined, brutally murd*red bodies, execution, and r*pe scene, gosh I was strucken by it when I saw that, I had to skipped that scene. It’s based on a real event and a real criminal called Carl Panzram, so if you’re aware of it, it might be more intriguiging to see. But personally for me... meh, I don’t think directing was good as it failed to portray it enough for me to comprehend fully.

A Glimpse of Hell

This is also based on a true event of a tragic accident in the us battleship in Iowa in 1989. They shows tragedy lin a blunt, brutal way by showing horribly damaged bodies of the soldiers torn into pieces, all the horrid things directly so be warned about that. I was quite alarmed because i didn’t expect to see it haha there’s no much to say. The film quality was so so for me. I feel their approach wasn’t appropriate, they were clearly trying to make it dramatic which is fine but in a melodramatic emotional way. It didn’t work because first, there aren’t enough portrayal of the characters for me to get attached, secondly it added the unnecessary exaggeration it prevented me from being emotionally involved or even to think about it. In my opinion, I think it’d have been better if they made it more restrained, dry, focus on the accuracy. For example like 1987 or Zodiac, I mean both of them has dramatic elements since they’re not a documentary but they were not overdone, in a contrary added emphasis to their message/conclusion. I know it’s easier said than done but it was something I consistently felt during it.

Sir.... I’m sorry but-

Standoff

Haha... it’s very peculiar... the directing is off and it just weird. I knew it was bad already but I watched it because rsl as a cop with gunssssssss just... so rare and just.... something else. There’s no way of me missing that seriously. Tbh him doing an action stunt isn’t what I imagine when it comes to him and there’s really any actions scenes anyway but it really was something. Like the character he played here really became my soft spot Hehehehe he was pretty and plus, tbh it’s kind of film I’d make fun of while watching so everything was (alomst) forgivable. There is a recent thing I think about, since this is about a cult, I kind of hope he’d at some day play a role like Eli Sunday from There will be blood: a manipulative, deceitful and maddened priest with twisted faith. Though Paul Dano did a grand job, the idea was in my head the whole time. Well, it’s a shame he wasn’t any of those here lol

Driven

From what I seen, the majority of people seem to unanimously hate this film, and after watching it I became one of those ppl. At least Standoff could be make fun of and rsl held gunssss but this...... I want to say so many things... I feel like they should have chose either fancy, fast paced, thrilling racing film or detailed depiction of emotions/relationships with the racers and people involved in it, I know both can be done, but I think that was outside of their ability, but since they tried to do that at once, it became a mess that doesn’t go either way. And the characters, any of them, including rsl’s are narrow or impossible to understand. I mean rsl did great himself, it was not about acting, the problem lies on the script and editing in my opinion. Also there were so many unnecessary characters made me question of their existence. Luckily rsl’s character isn’t one of them, however because of them, he had to squeeze in and unable to elaborate, which is a shame as he was an interesting character and someone rsl rarely plays; a arrogant and opportunist agent/brother of the protagonist, who would do anything for success... ha.... whyyyyy

This is it. If I watch other stuff I might add to it in the future. Overall, I know I’m biased but I do like His filmography, I do have appreciations in every one of them in different way to the good ones to bad. He may have disagree, but I love his acting on screen, well, I barely seen him on stage (crying)

Edit: as some of you could see, I’ve edited this over and over again haha elaborating on thing or the contrary. I can say with a glimpse of hell I practically managed to watch every rsl films out there lol except for the i inside and the short film he did called a dog race in Alaska. But with the former I’m not interested and already know the storyline, and the latter is just impossible to find, trust me I did my best;;

So to sum up: I HAVE MASTERED THE RSL FILMOGRAPHY!

#robert sean leonard #rsl #films #filmography #personal #thoughts

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beneaththetangles · 3 years

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Leah for Rachel: On Tower of God

What do you desire the most? Honor and pride? Authority and power? Money, and all sorts of shining riches? Revenge? Helping, or saving, or mattering to someone other than you (even when you’re not piloting a giant robot)? Or perhaps… something even more significant, more transcendent?

No matter. Reach the top of the tower, and it will be yours. Whatever you may be looking for, you will find it there. That’s what its Guardian, Hadon, says. That’s what every character in this show believes.

Tower of God (Kami no Tou) tells the story of Rachel, the girl with golden eyes who left everything to climb, desiring to shine like the stars. And of Bam, the boy who went after her without a desire of his own. So starts a quite atypical shonen, based on a beloved webtoon, with cartoonish, colorful, quite original designs, powerful music (“TOP” by Stray Kids is an opening for the ages), references to the book of Genesis, and a deep, unflinching depiction of sin, by which I mean evil of the darkest kind, the only true evil, chosen by the human free will, in a way that can poison the universe and kill that soul forever.

The human heart and its darkness are certainly at full display at Kami no Tou. Its colorful tower of broken dreams and people who are constantly left behind has a constant aura of threat and dread, even in the more innocent scenes. Despite the swords, powers, characters who combine medieval, fantastic, contemporary and futuristic styles, and the clever ways of overcoming difficult challenges, this is not the Heaven’s Arena of Hunter x Hunter, and it certainly doesn’t have that show’s leniency with the murderous organizers of these challenges for super-talented individuals.

As Bam goes up, level after level, we come nearer to the ultimate temptation, the fall, the consequences like concentric waves, and the dark mystery of evil, a mystery that defies understanding and rational explanation. One that is linked with all the pain and suffering in the world, with the reason why reality (Kami no Tou’s and ours) constantly breaks into painful fragments and goes into cycles of horrifying self-destruction.

A nameless boy awakes without memories in a system of caves where he cannot see the stars. He is taken care of by a kind, joyful girl with golden eyes. She heals him, and patiently teaches him, and soon becomes his entire world. She has a dream, too—to see the stars, to shine like them. She will ultimately depart, leaving him behind to enter the Tower.

But he doesn’t want that. He wants to be with her. Not romantically, I think, or not exactly. “I belong to her,” he says. Rachel is, especifically, someone Bam adores, his point of reference for everything, and he just wants to have her around, even if it’s not as an equal.

At the beginning, I compared this show with The Divine Comedy, Dante’s medieval poem about following the light of the loved one who has departed to Heaven. But this is a show about Babel, about a world in which humans fight to reach the skies and become like God, masters of good and evil. In our world, the limits of human power, coordination and communication (miraculously brought upon humanity for the first time at Babel), avoid a sustainable deification. And the tower, thank God, is forever left unfinished.

Not so in Kami no Tou. The desires of the heart have been completely instrumentalized to serve the present ruler. The Tower stands, every floor as great as an entire continent, and the tower itself is an empire, ruled by King Jahad, a Darwinian monarch who was the last to reach the magical top.

The characters surrounding are dangerous people, who soon reveal that they are just broken, very human individuals with a desire so strong as to risk everything. Khun is a banished prince from a well-known, powerful family. Rak the dinosaur and Haru the samurai just want to be the strongest. Anaak seeks revenge. Shibisu would like to be rich. Endorsi is a Princess of Jahad, and needs to keep her status. These are all lovable people, fun and relatable, but something is clearly wrong with them all. And something is wrong with us, too. Bam is going to learn that in ourselves, just beneath our daily reality, there is unspeakable evil, irrational, horrifying, linked to the worst evils we know, only awaiting the opportunity to manifest itself. Indifference and hate for the people we are supposed to love. A thirst that could devour others if they get in the way. Monstrous vanity, lies, violence, dreadful, intimate idols. The deep betrayal of everything that is good and true, of God and of love. And the realization that all that has been there from the beginning.

Though I liked this anime from the first episode, I think it reaches his peak with a certain twist that everyone remembers. So, spoilers for Tower of God. And I strongly advise you to experience it firsthand.

Bam becomes popular in his circle of self-centered friends because of his selfless, innocent personality that reminds them of what they have lost, or just encouraged them to help him. He wants to be with Rachel, to help Rachel. And he works hard.

In The Pilgrim’s Regress, C. S. Lewis’ version of the classical allegory, every so often a chapter is titled “Leah for Rachel.” This is a reference to the story of patriarch Jacob, who worked seven years to marry Rachel, the youngest daughter of Jethro and his loved one, who tricked him into taking his eldest daughter, Leah, instead, so he would have to restart the process to reach Rachel. In Lewis, this expression refers instead to the pain of the human heart which falls into the trap of egoistic, self-centered sexual acts when its desire for the bright, the eternal and infinite, symbolized (Utena-like) as a castle in the sky, attracts it from the distance. But, as Kami no Tou tells us, it can be just about anything. A person or a relationship, a position or a treasure, a story we tell to ourselves, a moment of pleasure or a momentary relief, an urge, can seem to us like the shining gate to a greater, more god-like world, as stars are for Rachel.

It is only afterwards that the heart recognizes, with bitterness, that over the top of the tower, there is only a darkness that engulfs you, that becomes you, that is akin to voluntarily sacrifice love and meaning, bonds and identity. And that is what happens to Bam’s Rachel.

I always trusted Rachel to have a good reason for having abandoned Bam. As Khun, I saw the warning signs. Bam was not being objective. It is wrong to idealize a person so much, to adore her, to put the entire weight of your own existence on her. First, you will never know her this way. Second, you may be more easily tempted by evil, as she betrays your hopes. But Rachel’s smile was kind and humble, and she was somehow radiant. Her character design showed that someone had thought of her with care and admiration. She had taken care of Bam, a perfect stranger, as a kind, patient, loving sister would. And I think any of us, looking the sky at night, have been filled of this longing, this thirst that Lewis calls the “Joy” and the Spanish translation, el Dulce Deseo, the Sweet Desire. I certainly never expected the chosen one, for whom all those sacrifices had been made, to willingly push Bam into the abyss to go up. It is a perfect moment of treason, sound off, seeing her go up in slow motion while Bam falls.

And then, there is the flashback. Where we only had watched her sadness, her darkness, her bitterness, her vulgarity, her spite, her greed, were all revealed. A character who was full of light, able to inspire, freely scarred herself in such a way that the thought of her achieving her goal, watching the stars at the top, is just unthinkable. Hadon himself tells her that, when he sees her cowardice. It will never happen. She’s just not capable of that sort of pure happiness. And her inner evil does not cease to grow.

And, if you were wondering, Rachel is the character in which I see myself the most.

I am a sinner. By which I mean that I habitually do things that I judge to be monstrous, world-shattering, dark and loveless beyond all rationality. Not the sort of things that may end up with me in prison, perhaps, or not often. But maybe they should. There is a seed of destruction in them, sometimes so manifest to me that I hold no doubt that the distance between it and the more showy and horrifying forms of evil is only a matter of opportunity and means.

While I’m still young, I’m convinced that there are deeper sins in me I cannot yet fully grasp, like frozen icebergs beyond the surface of my mind and soul. Also, I feel loved by God, with a love even more devoted, sacrificial and deep than Bam’s love for Rachel, a love that would, and does, travel any distance and fight any enemy just to see me happy. Whenever I sin gravely, I freely and consciously choose to hurt and betray a real person who has hope in me, and who has bought an opportunity for happiness for me, my only opportunity for happiness, at the price of His blood.

My whole being and personality, created for the good, become a carcass, a walking lie. I’m totally conscious that, for any of them, it would be just and appropriate that I should never taste happiness of any sort in all eternity. And why would I do thing of that sort, again and again? I don’t really know. It is a whim, or something that shines, or a perverse hope that this time, I will reach some happiness that way.

So, as you can see, I am every bit a son of Eve, and every bit a brother of Rachel.

If what the presumptuously named Tower of God offered was real happiness, there’s no way King Jahad would be such an egoist, murderous jerk, or that his followers would be as petty, perverse, and traitorous as they are. Neither Rachel or I will become happy or God-like by ascending the tower of human power and human pride. If we aren’t deformed and destroyed during the ascent, we are sure to meet just pain and betrayal at the top.

The one who tempted Eve and Adam to sin was an angel already in Hell. In the case of Adam, there was also the person who had already fallen, and was not happier or wiser for it. In the case of Rachel, the people of the Tower play that role, because it will be interesting to see how low she falls. And she falls really low. I know this. To some extent, so does she.

But we both forget, because we see sometime pleasing to the eye, and we infer that it would feed our hungry souls, and that we would be wiser, more powerful, and happier, even if we have to deform and destroy ourselves and the people around us and betray the purest love to achieve it. Aided by the original tempter and other human beings, we convince ourselves that we will be like loveless gods, masters of good and evil.

And we are increasingly desperate to get it at any costs, whatever may happen. I don’t think the scene in which Rachel eats the red apple is unintentional.

Of course, this is only one form of temptation. After the Fall, we can ignore the fact that there are some things that are worse than pain, and even than death, and corrupt ourselves hoping to avoid something that we feel would destroy us. Rachel won’t face the terrible creature Bam, guided as he is by love, goes against. She lets Hoh’s life be destroyed. Sin destroys our own courage, our ability to be signs of God for one another, as we were created for. And the salary of sin is pain, confusion and death. And scandal, the strike against love and hope in the hearts of those around us, that may tempt them to sin, too.

Scandal is a sin Our Lord condemns in the strongest terms. “But he that shall scandalize one of these little ones that believe in me, it were better for him that a millstone should be hanged about his neck, and that he should be drowned in the depth of the sea.” Because, as we see with Bam and Rachel, what is done to the scandalized is just like that. To believe in true love, in God, in life, after such a betrayal is very difficult.

A scarred, somber, changed Bam emerges from the abyss, pursuing Rachel. This time, he wants an explanation. In future seasons, I think, we will see the extent of the wound she has inflicted him, and to what extent his innocent heart that inspired so many of the other characters and gave them a path has been hardened, and inclined to lovelessness and sin.

What will Bam do? I don’t know. What I know is what the One who has his place in my equation did, again and again. Which was, and is, starting again and again the path into the loveless and dangerous world of fallen Humanity to reach me again, and bring me such a love that I can be moved, and cry, and change.

Jacob worked for seven more years. Betrayed by a Leah, the Lord will still fight so that her inner Rachel arises, and ultimately triumphs, whatever it takes. So that the Tower is broken, and the bridge is built, one in which we can follow Christ in His Cross, in His Ascension, to the loving embrace of a Father who awaits every day His prodigal son, His prodigal daughter, to celebrate their rescue and restore their happiness. So that the present promise doesn’t become a lie, but a hopeful, humble truth so that we are able to bring hope, and not despair, to each other, On the only condition that we acknowledge our sins and confess them, putting them in His hands, Christ will return them to us as something that He willingly suffered for us, for love.

Our evil, Rachel’s evil, will be countered by a powerful, rich, sacrificial love which will become our own, for a beating heart of flesh, that of a hero, that of a heroine. One that is able to reach the true light our hearts thirst for, and display the true power and potential of the human heart and the human will, when they accept God, as shining vitrals, each with their own colors. If we cling to His hand and walk this path to the end, we will be saved.

What do you desire the most? Are you sure? Perhaps there is something even greater. A love that burns endlessly without consuming the loved one. A light brighter than the stars.

God’s way is not the way of Babel, the way of the world. He gradually purifies our wishes, enlarges our hearts, and shows us the true nature of those signs as signs of hope that bring us true joy when we are loyal to their true meaning, even when that entails going beyond them or rejecting them here and now.

When I thought Rachel may have had a good reason to left Bam behind, it was because these reasons exist in the path of true love. God pointed the stars to Abraham the nomad, old and sterile, promising to grant him the wish of his heart, to be the father of a great family, a great people. But when the time came, he had to renounce to everything, even to the son God had granted him, and hope against all hope, believing that God could even raise the dead. God gave Abraham what He had promised, and more that he could have ever hoped for, because that’s God’s own way of doing things, and that’s how He overcomes evil.

While they may not be not as corrupted as her, the characters of Kami no Tou generally reason like Rachel, not Bam. It was Hoh who was tempted and destroyed, but it could have been anyone. But sacrificial, generous, life-affirming, pure love like that of Bam, even if it entails suffering, has a great power of attraction, and its strength makes those who embrace it truly powerful. It creates communion. Its logic trumps the logic of this world, the logic of Babel, which rises against it, which tries to hurt it by temptation and scandal.

I hope Kami no Tou continues being the kind of show which illustrates this beautiful paradox. How those who cling to their own lives are lost, and see increasing despair, despite their efforts, but those who lose them for the sake of Christ, of the purer love there is, achieve true happiness. As Chesterton puts it in his Ballad of the White Horse:

“Our monks go robed in rain and snow, But the heart of flame therein, But you go clothed in feasts and flames, When all is ice within;

“Nor shall all iron dooms make dumb Men wondering ceaselessly, If it be not better to fast for joy Than feast for misery“.

Let’s fight, not the fight of Babel, chasing after idols and illusions, but the good fight against evil and sin. And may Leah/Rachel, full of light and hope, come to cry and find salvation, and receive as a gift the shine of the stars, with a heart that can accept it, and a thousand other stars in her firmament.

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Tower of God can be streamed at Crunchyroll.

#Anime #Christianity #Tower of God #Kami no Tou #Sin ui Tap #Rachel #Sin #Articles #Author: Gaheret

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whyarewecalledtheshipname · 3 years

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idk where this came from. kairi ramblings, in which i repeat myself a lot, with a smidge of soriku:

how i interpret the dynamic of destiny trio, mostly from kairi’s eyes. headcanons ahead. i also project onto kairi a lot. i label them with brother/sister terms, but i’m not saying that’s how she labels them in her mind. found family doesn’t need to follow traditional roles. family can just be people closest to you. anyway—

i see kairi as the little sister. the only girl, boyish, a little shit but also precious, isn’t weak but is perpetually under the guard of the older brother anyway, her world revolves around her brothers and she has attached much of herself to them.

i see riku as the big brother. kairi’s known him all her life, strongest, smartest, most experienced, always there, couldn’t imagine her life without him, a guardian.

and i see sora as the younger brother. he’s closest to kairis age, her partner in crime, he is under her wing as much as she is under his, is perpetually “little” and must be protected even if he’s taller than her, a baby beneath it all, silly and precious.

this is how kairi sees them, in a way. and that’s why even though she’s often with riku (game-wise), bc younger siblings usually gravitate towards the eldest, she’s always more vocal about making sure sora is safe. because you always take care of the kids, first. she doesn’t see him as “littler” than her, but by virtue of being her equal, or close to it, she feels that he needs protection similarly to her. she also feels like she could give him that protection, even if she couldn’t fully protect herself. this could be why she mimics sora’s battle pose and not riku’s, bc she feels sora’s style is something she could achieve and that could benefit her. bc she sees more similarities between herself and sora.

this is actually part of why she comes across as kinda “pointless” in her appearances. she thinks she can be there for sora, bc like i said she naturally sees him as closest to her equal. but because she can’t even protect herself, her attempts to protect sora fall flat.

that’s also why she doesn’t really voice any concerns about keeping riku safe. one, because he’s the older one, and has always been the strongest one, she’s never felt the need to, not as prominently as for sora, and two, she partially feels she can’t do that. if there’s something riku can’t protect himself against, she doubts she’d be able to do it for him. but it isn’t a primary concern, bc there’s little riku has ever needed protecting from.

this is why she shares paopus with sora, and not riku. she’s resorting to the supposed “magic” of the paopu for luck, for a way to keep sora safe.

riku on the other hand, is the strongest of them all, and older. she believes he knows what’s best for himself, and that he can take care of himself, better than she ever could, so she lets him be. she’s let him be for most of her life. sora is the one who’s always needed talking-to’s, after all. riku will always be there, but sora’s the one who would suffer more if he strays from the path. riku couldn’t be kairi’s responsibility, but sora could.

to me, it’s a matter of “scaling”, or even just relativity. sora and kairi have always been the closest by virtue of being the same/similar age. riku, despite being only a year older than them, IS, in fact, older. he’s “the big kid” in their group. and that’s part of why there’s always been a gap between riku and them. kairi can see sora as her peer and equal, but with riku, despite kairi being under /his wing/, she sees herself as /under/ him regardless. (not in a derogatory way relax)

it doesn’t help that riku always tried playing the part of the older brother until recently. and kairi and sora were very much partners in crime. kairi could be a brat at riku, but sora’s the one she could hit and boss around and scheme with.

there’s less fear that riku might not come back to her than that sora won’t. to a degree, it probably doesn’t even fully register in kairi’s mind that she could lose riku, whereas that caution is a real fear when it comes to sora.

for sora, it’s actually probably the same. at least in regards to kairi. because he and kairi really are equals. protecting kairi is a prominent priority in sora’s mind, because he sees her as “small”, or young/younger.

but his feelings aren’t the same when it comes to riku.

riku may be older, he may seem untouchable, but sora obsesses over staying close to riku anyway. not necessarily protecting riku, but staying /with/ him. sora /needs/ to know riku is safe, and preferably by his side, physically, even though sora knows they’re always together. (this is fact, see: DDD)

Sora is way more vocal about wanting to be with riku than kairi is about riku, because sora is in love with him. That’s the difference.

Kairi is family. Kairi brings sora comfort, and happiness.

Riku /completes/ him.

Kairi has been attached to Sora in a slightly less than healthy/optimal way. She feels like she needs sora (and less obviously, riku) to be physically with her to be okay. If Sora or Riku aren’t physically with her, in the same place, she feels alone.

Sora, on the other hand, can be without riku. And this is because sora knows riku is always with him, even when it might seem like he’s not. Though naturally, sora would rather he and riku be together, physically.

All of this reflects on why kairi’s relationship with sora and riku is lacking. She doesn’t feel their togetherness, because their bond is weak, or weakening.

Sora and Riku’s relationship is—I don’t even know how to put it, honestly. Sora and Riku’s hearts resonate with each other, gravitate to each other, they are literally shining onto each other, and all of this is why Sora and Riku can feel each other. Because no matter what, they’re always together in heart.

This is part of why Kairi in Melody of Memory is great. She’s beginning to realize and accept that she can’t be with sora and riku until she can at least /be/ there /for/ them. She’s never been able to do that, so hopefully her training, /her decision/ to train, will be the beginning of her learning and experiencing more things.

Who knows where her path will lead. Maybe it’ll lead her back to Sora and Riku, or maybe away from them. But that’s the whole thing. She has to break away from the one thing she’s always known, out of the rut she’s been stuck in, to discover what it is she really needs and wants. to grow as a person and a character.

again, these are all my personal interpretations, based on my own relationships and views of my brothers. but it’s what helps me connect with kairi when at face value, she doesn’t feel very interesting or compelling.

i doubt this reads as “i hate kairi” bc after putting thought into it, i’ve discovered that i really do like her, and her role in the general story. it’s maybe a role i don’t see often, or done well. i’m starting to think kairi really is top notch, even if her role is unappealing, and difficult to fully appreciate, because that’s the whole point.

i’m sure i’m not the only person in existence who’s ever been afraid of change, taken my personality from the people around me, invested too much of myself in others and forgotten myself, lost something very important in childhood that’s held me back in the years since, been overdependent on others, unable to connect with people in the healthiest way, etc.

people sometimes say kairi feels like an empty shell of a character, but maybe some of us forget that sometimes, there are people who feel like an empty shell of a person, too.

i’m not tryna get philosophical here, or pretend i’m smart. i’m just saying i really relate to (my interpretation of) kairi, and i’m tired of certain kinds of people reducing kairi to “girl who likes sora”. even if she did, she’s so much more. fuck off.

to anyone else who read all this, thanks lol

#kairi #riku & kairi #sora and kairi #soriku #kairi thoughts #midnight ramblings #essay except it's just my opinion #me projecting #this originally started bc i was high key tired of certain kinds of people ignoring riku and kairi’s friendship #i wrote a whole ramble about that but it’s angrier and messier lol #once i figure out how to draw riku and kairi hugging it’s over for the soriku haters lmao #‘sorikus hate kairi’ lmao fuck off #i like kairi #truly #i kinda hate that it takes me this much thought to explain why #but that’s a testament to kairi as a character #the soriku section is so short bc i REALLY HONESTLY did not know how to describe their bond with mere words #and it helped me realize just how different their bonds were #my ramblings put to paper #micro essay #i’m not smart i’m just tired #not to pat myself on the back but i’m noticing now that instead of pitting riku and kairi against each other #via ‘sora doesn’t love kairi he loves riku’ bs #i instead said ‘look at how kairi feels about riku and then look at how sora feels about riku’#bc kairi does like riku. she literally LITERALLY says it in 0.2 LMAO #but sora just. takes it to the fucking max and beyond lmao #i’m proud of doing that without realizing lmao

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psqqa · 3 years

Text

Nirvana in Fire Character Reference Sheet Roughly in the Order Those Characters Are Introduced

For @howdydowdy, as promised, and for anyone else who, like me, is terrible at names and needs some kind of “Who?? Ohhh right. That guy.” reminder.

Basically, my Nirvana in Fire Journey started with me watching half the first episode, being wildly confused, realizing I was in over my head re: names and thus deciding to go back to the beginning and watch it again But Taking Notes This Time. I watched the whole show with a notebook and pen at my side. I figured I may as well spare you all the labour by typing it up.

As more information was revealed, I often added it to a character’s initial note, but by and large I’m leaving those extra notes out so you can experience the joy and confusion and anguish of New Information yourself. The exception to this is generally a person’s name, title, and position. E.g. Duke Qing’s name, Bai Ye, isn’t mentioned until a number of episodes after he’s first mentioned, if I recall correctly, but knowing that the person named “Bai Ye” is the same person called “Duke Qing” is exactly why I took these notes for myself in the first place.

Basically this isn’t intended to be a character guide that lays out exactly who a person is, their relationships to the other characters, and their place in the story, but rather something you can look at whenever someone mentions a name that jogs your memory just enough for you to be able to place to person. Which is why the notes tend to be either the context in which the person was introduced or the relationship through which they’re introduced.

Some names and notes are inherently spoilers, but hopefully by virtue of the fact that this is broadly in the order a character is first mentioned/introduced, you can avoid spoilers simply by not scrolling down too far. For those persons where their name or an alter ego comes in significantly after their initial introduction and is a spoiler, they are listed a second time starting with the “new information” and with the note in italics indicating their original entry (there aren’t a lot of these, don’t worry).

I will readily admit that some of my handwritten notes are just a name and then a blank space because apparently I just never actually added a note for them. I haven’t bothered adding those people here. Yes it’s because I’ve forgotten entirely who they are, but I’m pretty sure that means you’ll be okay if you immediately forget who they are too. (That being said, I get the sense there are actually relevant people missing from this list. As the show carried on and introductions became less frequent, remembering them became less difficult.)

The List

Lin Xie –> Commander of the Chiyan Army

Lin Shu –> “Xiao-Shu” –> Lin Xie’s son –> Mei Changsu --> Chief of the Jiangzuo Alliance --> Su Zhe

Lin Chen –> Young Master of Langya Hall –> NOTE: The “Lin” of Lin Chen and the “Lin” of Lin Xie & Lin Shu are both written and pronounced differently. These people are not related.

Northern Yan’s 6th Prince –> Now Northern Yan’s Crown Prince

Minister Xu –> Da Liang’s envoy to Northern Yan

Prince Yu –> Xiao Jinghuan –> 5th Prince of Da Liang

Xiao Xuan –> Emperor of Da Liang

Empress Yan --> Prince Yu’s adoptive mother

Consort Yue --> Crown Prince’s mother

Grand Empress (Dowager) --> Emperor’s grandmother

Xiao Jingxuan --> Crown Prince of Da Liang --> metonym is “Eastern Palace”

Zhuo Dingfeng --> Master of Tianquan Manor

Zhuo Qingyao --> Eldest son of Zhuo Dingfeng --> guy on the horse and later the guy helping the old couple on the boat and later also the guy who calls Xie Yu “father-in-law” (I am telling you this specifically because I am not bad at faces but this guy added so much confusion to my life that was cleared up the moment I realized these people were the same person. And also because my mother is terrible at faces and for like 15 episodes every time he showed up in another random place I would say “that’s horse and boat guy” and she would say “wait what? really???” So I’m assuming at least one other person will share in this struggle)

Xie Yu --> Marquis of Ning

Qin Banruo --> Prince Yu’s strategist

Duke Qing --> Prime Minister --> Bai Ye

Ji Ying --> member of Double Sword Sect

Li Gang --> member of Jiangzuo Alliance

Fei Liu --> Mei Changsu’s bodyguard

Yan Yujin --> Son of Empress Yan’s brother

Xiao Jingrui --> Eldest son of Xie Yu

Mu Nihuang --> Commander of the army in Yunnan --> Princess of Yunnan’s House of Mu

Xie Bi --> Second son of Xie Yu & Xiao Jingrui’s younger brother

Mu Qing --> Mu Nihuang’s younger brother

Xia Dong --> An officer of the Xuanjing Bureau

Nie Feng --> Xia Dong’s late husband --> Vanguard General of the Chiyan Army under Lin Xie

Meng Zhi --> Commander of the Imperial Guards

Xuan Bu --> From Da Yu --> stronger than Meng Zhi

Gao Zhan --> Emperor’s chief eunuch

Fei Changshi --> Prince Yu’s guy out looking for Mei Changsu

Prince Jing --> Xiao Jingyan --> 7th Prince of Da Liang

Concubine Jing --> Mother of Prince Jing

“Xiao-Xin” --> Attendant to Concubine Jing

Grand Princess Liyang --> Xie Yu’s wife & Emperor’s sister

Eunuch Zheng --> Eunuch who is mean to Tingsheng

Prince Qi --> late Crown Prince of Da Liang --> Xiao Jingyu

Tingsheng --> servant boy caught reading

“Lao-Wei” --> Mu Qing’s subordinate of some kind

Wei Zheng --> member of Chiyan Army at Battle of Meiling (and survived)

Sima Lei --> member of Royal Guard --> Consort Yue’s preferred suitor for Mu Nihuang

Liao Tingjie --> Son of the Marquis of Zhongsu --> Empress Yan’s preferred suitor Mu Nihuang

Baili Qi --> Mu Nihuang suitor from Northern Yan --> A favourite of the 4th Prince of Northern Yan

Lady/Madam Zhuo --> Zhuo Dingfeng’s wife

Xie Qi --> Zhuo Qingyao’s wife & Xie Yu’s daughter & Jingrui’s sister

Consort Hui --> bullied by the Empress

Young Lady Zhen (I think is what my handwriting says) --> servant being sneaky at late dowager empress’s palace

“Wu-momo” --> older servant with the Bad Wine

Consort Chen --> now dead --> son was a rebel

3rd Prince of Da Liang --> Xiao Jingting --> Prince Ning --> disabled

6th Prince of Da Liang --> no ambition

9th Prince of Da Liang --> too young to fight for throne

Former Crown Princess --> late Prince Qi’s late wife

“Qi-momo” --> Grand Princess Liyang’s senior attendant

Gong Yu --> window lady who works with Mr. Shisan --> a musician

Mr. Shisan --> member of Jiangzuo Alliance --> connection to Lin family

Minister Lou --> Lou Zhijing --> Minister of Trade/Finance/Revenue/other words that mean “money” --> Knows about the corpse well --> Crown Prince’s faction

Zhang Jing --> Owner of corpse well house (Lan Mansion) at the time the corpses ended up in the well

Shi Jun --> Servant at corpse well house at relevant time --> has record book

Magistrate Gao --> Gao Sheng --> The Capital Magistrate

Princess Xuanji --> ruler of a previous dynasty --> founded the “Hong Court”

Minister Qi --> Qi Min--> Minister of Justice --> Prince Yu’s faction

Minister He --> He Jingzhong --> Minister of Personnel --> Prince Yu’s faction

Minister of Public Works --> Prince Yu’s faction

Minister Chen --> Chen Yuanzhi --> Minister of Rites --> Crown Prince’s faction

Minister of Defence --> Li Lin --> Crown Prince’s faction

Bai Xun --> Duke Qing’s brother

Lie Zhanying --> Staff Officer under Prince Jing

Qi Meng --> One of Prince Jing’s men --> fights Fei Liu and commits Great Offence

“General Bian” --> One of Prince Jing’s men

Shen Zhui --> Acting Minister of Finance

Princess Qing He --> Shen Zhui’s mother

Cai Quan --> Works at Ministry of Justice --> Did well-received report on the Bing case

Han Zhiyi --> Works at Ministry of Justice --> worked on Bing case

Zhang Jianzhen --> Works at Ministry of Justice --> worked on Bing case

Wei Yuan --> Works at Ministry of Justice --> worked on Bing case

Yuan Shiying --> Works at Ministry of Justice --> worked on Bing case

Qin Yue --> Works at Ministry of Justice --> worked on Bing case

Tong Lu --> Vegetable cart guy --> brother of one of the corpse well girls

Qiu Zhe --> Son of Count (Duke?) Wen Yuan

He Wenxin --> Son of Minister He --> dislikes Qiu Zhe

Grand Prince Ji --> Emperor’s youngest brother --> Owns hot springs

Yang Liuxin --> A dancer

Hong Xinzhao --> Has “understanding girls”

Xinliu & Xinyang --> Brothel sisters --> their younger brother was murdered by Qiu Zhe

Princess Consort --> Lanjin --> Prince Yu’s wife

Zhou Xuanqing --> renowned scholar

Li Chong --> former Imperial Tutor --> former teacher to Lin Shu

“Brother Zhao” --> Canal transport guy --> Jiangzuo Alliance

Lin Xiangru --> famous literary envoy

Marquis Yan --> Yan Que --> Yan Yujin’s father & Empress Yan’s brother

Lin Yueyao --> Prince Qi’s mother --> Consort Chen

Zhen Ping --> Jiangzuo Alliance --> sword challenger

Xia Qiu --> An officer of the Xuanjing Bureau

Xia Chun --> The most senior of the officers of the Xuanjing Bureau

Prince Jingli --> Consort Hui’s son

Yuwen Xuan --> Prince Ling --> A prince of Southern Chu

Yuwen Nian --> “Niannian” --> A princess of Southern Chu --> student of Yue Xiuze

Yuwen Lin --> King of Southern Chu --> Yuwen Nian’s father

Ouyang Chi - Head of CApital Patrols

Xia Jiang --> Head of the Xuanjing Bureau

Li Chongxin --> Schoolteacher assassinated by Zhuo Dingfeng

Jun Niang --> former member of “Hong Court” under Princess Xuanji

“Miss Liu” --> Granddaughter of former Chief Secretariat Liu Cheng

Wei Qi --> The general at Jiaxing Pass --> was Xie Yu’s lieutenant for years

Su Tianshu --> Chief of Yaowang Valley --> 7th on the Langya Rich List

Su Xuan --> Su Tianshu’s adopted son --> Wei Zheng

Yun Piaomiao --> Su Xuan’s wife

Concubine Xiang --> Prince Yu’s birth mother

Zhu Yue --> Head of the Review Court --> Prince Yu’s brother-in-law

Cheng Zhiji --> Elder Master of Feng Hall --> 75 years old

Princess Linglong --> A princess of the Hua Kingdom --> Princess Xuanji’s sister --> Concubine Xiang

Grand Princess Jinyang --> Lin Shu’s mother & Lin Xie’s wife --> Emperor’s sister

Yao Zhu --> Official Fan’s servant who knows The Secret

Official Fan --> Harbouring Xia Jiang

#nirvana in fire #it's an imperfect tool basically #but hopefully it's useful anyway #if there are any spelling errors #blame it on my handwriting #you don't want to know how much time i spent looking at these notes asking myself if something was a 'u' or an 'n'

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frenchiestan · 4 years

Note

What's the logic behind "Cas is my favorite because I'm a Dean!girl"? Shouldn't Dean be your favorite then? I'm not trying to attack you or anything, I just genuinely don't understand

okay so I am a dean!girl bc I relate to him like A LOT. he's one of the characters that helped me figure out my sexuality, I relate to his desire to save people even tho he personally doesnt think he deserves to be saved, I suffer from some eldest sister syndrome and always feel the need to fix everything, I can come off as sarcastic and I make a lot of depressing jokes but under the service I genuinely love life especially for the small things, I always put everyone above myself. so because I am Dean, I am in love with Cas.

also Dean loves Cas a lot and I'm pretty sure if he watched the show he would be his favorite character lol

I'm not saying it makes complete sense but that's the logic

#in reality i love them equally!!!!#hope that makes sense!#asks #anon #castiel #dean winchester #destiel #spn

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icharchivist · 3 years

Note

Thank you for answering the previous asks and hope you're prepared!

How much, out of ten, are you of each winter troupe member?

Have a good day :3c

ahah thank you for doing that all the way!

and oh boy i thought i was prepared but turns out-

okay notewise.:

Tsumugi: 7/10, Tasuku: 3/10, Homare: 4/10 Hisoka: 9.5/10, Azuma: 10/10, Guy: 6/10

(if you're supprised Azuma is actually my ultimate kin and it's not Hisoka: congratz i fooled all of u. the only reason i don't have an Azuma icon is that i genuinely think he looks too sexy in some arts and it doesn't feel Me despite everything else. The more u know.)

And. i need to warn that i went much more into personal details for Hisoka and Azuma under the cut to the point where it may be overwhelming. And that Azuma's entry alone is 2.1k words long. What the fuck me.

Relating to team "we have so much trauma" is going to be so much fun.

coughs, anyway take care :3c

(Links: Spring, Summer, Autumn , Winter ranking)

Winter my beloved, this is going to be a normal, non emotional ranking at all.

Tsumugi: 7/10 I relate to his lack of confidence, and the way he gave up on everything he loved when his spirit was crushed (re what I was talking about with my Kumon rant). On my down time I did study a bit of psychology and though I wouldn’t put myself at the same level as a psy student I’m often told I read people mostly in an accurate way so I can relate to that. I can use my powers for Evil like nudging people in some direction or knowing where to attack, but I am super aware of that and I’ve been extra conscious about not having it happen again for over ten years now DLKFJDLF (Azuma is kinda like that too). But yeah the fact he is like that too makes it relatable.

I also think that the whole “feeling you fucked up and took all the responsibility when a friendship broke apart” is also something very relatable. So is “ghosting your friends after that”. I relate to the fact he’s a nerd too. I relate to him more than not but I guess I just removed points because of how while I relate to specificities the whole thing doesn’t connect as much as it could?

Tasuku: 3/10 he’s probably the one I relate the least to. I honestly didn’t understand Tasuku much until Nocturnality on my first read, and it’s only then that things clicked. Legit I saw him the way Azuma saw him dLKFJDKFJDF. But I do feel it relatable that he feels responsible for failing his friend and that he took it upon himself to try to read more into how people are behaving to try to prevent it from happening again. But else he’s. genuinely not like me KDJFKLDFJDFL

Homare: 4/10 mhmm. I think I relate to the way he is passionate and how much he genuinely loves. I also relate to the fact he is pretty analytic, though the details of what makes his struggles are not something I relate to easily. I have felt broken before, I was told i was broken or unfit in some ways, so this particular pain is something I completely understand. I also did use to be an artist and a writer so I can relate to that passion of his, although as I mentioned in others ranking *shrugs*. That said he’s very much more exuberant and confident than I am and I would assume I know how to deal with people emotionally a bit more.

Hisoka: 9.5/10 oh boy where to start. This is going to be a tough one to get into without getting extremely personal. To start with, I’m a sleepy baby. I sleep a lot DLKJFDF though not much at night. I used to fall asleep in class all the time my friends had to always be on the watch out for me. I don’t have much energies. I love plushy and I love being comfortable in some places. I also really love sweets tho not as much as him. I also do care ways too much for my specific plushies and pillows (I do have huge penguins plushies too).

I, too, have memories issues, though of course to a lesser extend. I have a lot of trauma and for a lot of them I ended up getting fuzzy memories. I used to be in a pretty toxic environment where I constantly had to make use of my memory to survive, and so when my memory started failing me, I was terrified. My parents gaslight me all the time and pretends a lot of things that happened didn’t happen and that I’m crazy for believing it happened, so the moment my memory started to fail me I started to panic a lot. It terrified me to not being completely sure whenever I could trust myself or not. It made me feel extremely unreliable. It’s still something I struggle with a lot.

This would have been my answer pre-awakening moon at least. I always related to him to some degree so Awakening moon was a slap in the face in a way I wasn’t ready to deal with, and this is where I have to be uncomfortably personal.

I am the youngest sibling of 3. My eldest sister ran away from home when I was 6, never to be seen again. My other sister resented me because I used to be very close to the eldest and she was jealous about it, and while the reasons were linked to our parents, who were extremely toxic to us and kept us into this toxic environment for years on end, my sister took all her anger out on me. While we’ve discussed it as adults now, our relationships is too strained to fix it nowadays.

It took me a long while – it took me Azuma’s arc actually – to realize that the way I feel for my eldest sister is more akin to grief than to abandon. I don’t even remember her. I don’t remember her and still apparently the way I was close to her was the reason my sibling hold it against me. I couldn’t even remember *why* my sister was mad at me because I don’t even remember being close to my sister that much. All I know is that she left because the situation at home was too toxic. It was.. so messy.

I have. Much more trauma linked to that specifically but that’s the root of something that hit me in the face with Hisoka’s arc. Because I can’t remember a person that disappeared from my life, and yet it was enough for it to break and shape everything I’ve lived through since. I couldn’t even start to talk about how it still impacts me now 20 years later. I’m just now making peace with the fact this was grief. This is the gist of the reason Hisoka’s arc hit me as hard as it did (and the fact that Chikage is actively undoing all the bad things his own grief pushed him to do on Hisoka is the reason Chikage is so compelling to me. My sister could never lol.).

I felt also that I had to take all the responsibilities for what happened. I felt like I could make things easier for the family after this trauma, at the rip age of 7, and no one stopped to think maybe a child shouldn’t have to be dealing with a collective family trauma like this. But well. Here we are.

I relate to the fact Hisoka also struggles to accept everything that happened. And that now he’s trying to make things better for others people he can relate to. It’s so… complicated.

Also I can’t forget the fact Hisoka tried to kill himself and :/ as someone who has had a lot of suicidal idealization in my life this really hit a lot harder than it should have.

In general I would just say that socially I’m not really like him except with people I’m comfortable with teasing. Hisoka can be a little too rude and it’s where I can’t relate lol. But otherwise man I care him so much I feel so seen. I’m just removing 0.5 points for that and I don’t give him full mark because of what I’ll explain next.

Azuma: 10/10 This one is going to be a trip. It’s about twice the length of the Hisoka’s rant. Mister took me by the throat too. As I think it’s clear now I cannot relate to the fact he genuinely loved his family and how much his family cared for him. Yet I relate… to about everything else.

On the surface I do think I seem more approachable and easy to talk with. I try to be the kindest person I can be, to not be judgmental. I’m conflict avoidant, just like he can be, and if I’m annoyed with someone I’m muuuuch more likely to use passive aggressiveness like he does with Tasuku when he’s pissed at him. (sidenote: I do find it funny that Tasuku was the only character I really felt I didn’t get until Nocturnality, while Azuma was having the exact same problem, and then he became one of my fav the moment it clicked. Azuma is my braincell.)

More often than not, there’s a smile on my face and I try to be soft in the way I can be. I’m generally pretty calm, I’ve been told I was soothing, or give good hugs, this sort of stuff.

Now onto the heavy stuff.

I have a lot of nightmares and night terrors linked to a lot of my traumas. I’m honestly scared sometimes to go to sleep ^^”. But in general, if Hisoka reflects a lot of a personal trauma and how it would personally affect me, Azuma reflects a lot on how I would behave with others people in general and especially when I’m unwell. I’ve coped most of my life with, everything that happened to me, by just. Trying to keep people at armlength. I don’t want to let people close to me, especially irl. Discussing all of that online gives me a distance that allows me to discuss it but, I remember in high school I was going through very bad things, and a few years later I was hanging out with a friend and I happened to open up about those things. And she was going livid because, she had known me for what, 6 years at that point? And she never knew any of this. We talked a lot then, we were close, but she never knew all those things about me until years later. It kinda scared her because to her I was always a sweet and cheerful person and she never expected that I was doing this badly. I remember then she brought up something we discussed back in a party with many of our others friends from high school and similarly they were all. “how did we never know any of this.”. Seeing Azuma in Nocturnality kinda brought me back to that convo tbh LKDJFLKDFJFD.

But I’m good at pretending I’m closer to people than they think. I’m an excellent listener. A lot of my friends tended to rely on me as the person they could talk about their problems to. I used to do it much more back then but I also used to pour a lot of energy trying to make it easier for people, solving their problems. Full on Therapist Friend:tm:. It does help that, as I said with Tsumu, I have basis in psychology so sometimes some observations I can make help much more than expected. Just like Azu tbh lol.

Oh also I am cuddly with my friends in general. I’m super touch starved but also to the point I feel uncomfortable to seek hugs because I just don’t get any on a normal basis and my body isn’t used, but I’m super cuddly and when I’m with my closest friends I’m like a koala.

And it gives people the impression to people that I’m very close to them because I know them well, and I know the ins and outs of why they behave the way they do. But. I kinda feel like it’s one sided more than not. And it’s all because of me, because I keep my walls up very high and it means people don’t generally expect that I’m hiding things.

I’m good at distracting too. I don’t relate to how flirty Azuma is but I keep seeing it as him distracting others. It’s flattering, and just embarrassing enough that the person ends up dropping whatever they may be pressing on Azuma to talk about. And, while not with flirting, I do that a lot, especially using compliments like that. (That said my kindness or teasing has been misinterpreted as flirting before DLKFJDLKF I’m trying to be extra conscious about not having that misunderstanding happen nowadays but man it happened a lot).

Azuma knows a lot of people, and has been supporting a lot of people, but he doesn’t let people in as much.

And a lot of it is linked to his own sense of grief. Of the fact he has lost so much he can’t afford to go through the pain of losing something again, so he distances himself from it before it can hurt. And I do that a lot.

I mentioned in the previous rant but it’s seeing Azuma’s arc that made me understand how much it’s more grief than abandon that makes it so hard for me to move on. And a part of me kinda just. Grieves the family I could never have, the normal life I wish I could have lived and clang too all of my life. When Azuma told Guy “I was always so lonely. Everyone had families they could take for granted but I had no one.” Oh my god it destroyed me. And how he mentions just afterward that while he has new people to rely on, it couldn’t change the fact he was still feeling this pain of losing his family and it just. Man. Might be crying right now.

It’s like… I think the reason I especially related to that is that, in therapy I’ve often discussed my problems in the lenses of neglect and abandon but the problem with that lenses is that, at least with the therapists I had, they tend to focus on the fact that therefore I /must/ be still yearning for them to change and turn around, like I could change something. But I don’t. I was resigned at some point. And it’s really only when I read that that I felt this exact resignation I have been feeling all that time. I think I mentioned once how reading a3 felt like going one step toward recovery I didn’t know I could get and this was exactly the scene I meant. It legit took a weight off my heart that i've been carrying for decades. It was the strangest feeling in the world.

Anyway more in general too, on top of keeping people at distance, I am also a pro at “suddenly disappearing/ghosting when I get too close and/or have a relapse”. When Azuma starts to pull his relapses like we see in Nocturnality, I see myself. Legit had a friend who read a3 who called me out about that DLKJFDKLFJ. Acting weird like this, closing yourself in like this, coming back to some harmful coping mechanism as a way to connect back with your own self, those are all things I do. And it sucks. Like. The things I put my friends though sucks. But I really can’t help it sometimes.

I’m good at listening and observing, I’m generally good at picking up why people act a certain way, but I’m still very distant. I do everything I can to pretend I’m not distant and generally it fakes an idea of intimacy that I don’t specifically see as such.

And I see all of that in Azuma in ways that are terrifyingly relatable. Another thing Azuma says in this convo with Guy, about how “Everytime I would go to sleep, I would wish the morning would never come” me. Mood. Holy shit. Feel seen. I hate it. Just in general though the way he talks about morning as this terrifying thing is me. Between the night terrors and the fact morning genuinely makes me feel horrible, that’s kinda why I end up oversleeping until the afternoon DLKFJDF Azuma my lord I feel you.

Because of my nightly panic attacks I do try to come up with ways around it mainly by drinking some relaxing tisanes and stuff. Oh and I did have a huge period in life where I HATED being in the sun, and I fucked over all of my melanin because of that. as a kid I would tan very easily, but now the sun hates me as much as I used to hate it. So when Azuma is a drama queen about not wanting to stay in the UV too much I’m just like. How dare you pull out a mirror on me I didn’t ask for this. (also I have been called a vampire by people esp when I was a teen but that’s just how people called edgelords like me. Still. Reo my beloved.)

There is honestly so many little things with Azuma that reminds me of myself like this that it makes me go nuts. If Hisoka is who I relate to in term of specific trauma and how I cope personally, Azuma is more like, the direct physical impact of my trauma on me and the way it makes me relate to others people, as well as just every little behaviors here and there that are just so specific.

One of the only thing I really don’t relate to Azuma about is his love for Alcohol but I think if you replace it with like, my addiction to juice it works out the same.

Oh and, that’s a stupid but funny thing to me, I project hard on how much the reason he keeps his hair long is a form of mental stability for him, because I legit keep my hair long for my own mental stability. I have tied ways too much of my recovery process to my hair that when I see Azuma coping with grief with his hairstyle and how almost cutting it would be him spiraling down, I felt seen.

also i have 0 stamina just like him.

ANOTHER THING is also the fact Azuma is genuinely yearning for connections with people but he spent so much of his life keeping people away that as much as he’s yearning for it, it takes him so long to be able to lower those walls because he’s been so used to keep people away that he can’t reply to this yearning. And the way how, once he actually ends up feeling this bit of vulnerability toward people, he would suddenly shut in like it suddenly scares him? Mood.

One last thing (i promise) (i think) is that, if it wasn't obvious from all my ranting.... So much of myself and the way i view myself is defined by my trauma. I struggle to exactly come to term with my identity in any shape or form that isn't deeply related to my trauma. Even if you asked me what my sexuality is (please don't), my actual answer would be completely shaped by the fact i have so much trauma linked to sexuality, romance and gender, that i don't want to process it at all and can't actually manage to "fit the boxes" because i cannot see myself as something else than my trauma, or explain my feelings without linking it to my trauma. Honestly at times i find it kinda cringeworthy from me because i really, really can't tell about anything about my identity without thinking of my various traumas (i talked about a few of them in those rankings but it's not even the tip of the iceberg for a lot of stuff.) And when i see the way Azuma is in particular, maybe i'm projecting, but i feel like a lot of it is the same. Like not processing his age because if he does it reminds him of how he outlived those he loved (which is an headcanon but com'on.) or how even his hair is linked to his trauma. Or how he doesn't drive because it's linked to his trauma. I feel SO seen.

If it wasn’t for the fact he genuinely loved and was loved by his family, I would have felt exactly the same about everything regarding him.

But I still give him a full mark because the way Azuma’s arc has affected me is beyond any possible words I could use. And also because I legit wrote above 2100 words just on how much I related to Azuma ALONE. Even Hisoka took me 800 WORDS. HELLO. Guy: 6/10 Back to general coping here, Guy isn’t exactly relatable to me except in well. For exemple the ways the others relate to him, especially Hisoka and Azuma. So his memory loss to cope with intense family trauma is relatable to me, the way he can have nightmares and night terrors is also hella relatable to me.

But something that’s more Guy that I relate to is the whole “Step dad kept talking down on him and verbally abusing him until Guy basically completely closed himself in” because man. I won’t elaborate but I’ve really felt from reading that verbal abuse the same way I felt thinking back to how my ex-step dad used to talk to me. It made me so angry on his behalf. And the way he internalized it to cope was something deeply relatable.

Another thing with Guy is the fact that Guy did genuinely believes himself inhuman and tbh there was a time when I was very young where I would catch myself unable to feel a bit of humanity mostly from how I kept shutting myself in. (The reason I don’t relate to it with Homare is that this “inhumanity” was never actually there even if Homare did believe in it. But for Guy he went the extra mile convincing himself to the point where he denied this humanity as far as possible in a self destructive way and :/).

SO YEAH Winter is like. Therapy for me. The problem with “Trauma: The Troupe” is that saying “I relate to the Winter troupe” means “I may have problems and so what.” And it sucks.

if you read that wordvomit, congratulation, was it worth it?

Take care!

#closes eyes and pretends i didn't just type all of that for azuma ANYWAY #bows down thank you for indulging in my fav passion of 'therapy via a3' the more we go #ichafantalks a3 #pandapillow #ichareply #also man Risky Game is going to absolutly murder me isn't it.

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