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kz-i-co · 1 year

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Don’t Fall In Love: Part 2

Summary: You are one of the most popular bloggers on your campus, telling enriching stories of your personal heartbreaks anonymously. But your readers are not ready to handle the newest heartbreak of finding out your best friend dating your ex.

Pairing: Lee Haechan (Donghyuk) x f!reader

Genre: college au | angst (eventual fluff x smutt)

Warnings: story may contain strong language, mentions of drugs and alcohol - sexual references - reader discretion advise.

Words: 4.6k

Part 1 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5

Masterlist | Nct 127 Masterlist | Nct Dream Masterlist

Taglist: @lovingvoidgoatee, @lunaryoongie, @matchahyuck, @yixingtion, @mosviqu, @ohmyhuenings, @nctzennikki09

::: LoveAboveMyPinkClouds: blog post #51 Please understand that my short hiatus was necessary as I can firmly say....I'm going through hell. And those of you still accusing me for bullshitting fake news....then shame on you - but also honored you think my creativity is this impressive, thanks I guess. I will gladly get to your questions as my DM box is officially full - also thanks again....I guess - but please let me vent on my own because this is all too real and once again....NOT okay with it. I never seen this coming. It's bad enough I had to confront my oh so famous ex on the matter and thought I was crazy to split up his new found relationship. The jerk didn't take it well since he brought up my relationship with J - his best friend. Oops did I forget to mention that? Call me slut or hypocrite - what ever floats your boat but I as well was under a lack of information and I would take it back if I could. I have more regrets than I would like to admit and people reading who are close to me will probably connect the dots eventually and my identity will soon be blown but as of right now I'm venting and this is the only place I can comfortably do it. I will get to my session on D soon but right now I'm pissed and rather not talk about it. Thanks for being here anyway. Xoxo peace :::

"(Y/N), help me hang this." Minjeong asked letting one side of the banner dangle. It's been a few days since you've found out about Donghyuck and Minjeong and you still couldn't deal with it, but at least you played nice.

"Why are we doing this?" You sounded uninterested.

"Jimin's birthday." She sounded offended.

"I know that.....she said not to make a big deal out of it." You shrugged taping the other side.

"That's the best part." She smiled once again. "You okay? You seem down lately."

"I'm just drowning in school work, exhausted." You lied.

"You need more sleep and to stop partying."

"I've only been to two this week." You made your way to the kitchen and pulled out a can of soda.

"And stripped in front of the whole fraternity." She giggled. "And can't forget trashing your ex's."

"Must we keep talking about this? I was drunk and stupid and I said I was sorry."

"Alright." She began, following you. "Actually....can I ask you for dating advice?" She said, changing the subject.

"Trouble with catfish already?" You tried not to smile.

"It's not that....and stop calling him that." She smiled sarcastically. "How long did you date Jaemin until you guys started.....you know, sleeping together."

You didn't lie that the question alone caused your stomach to sink. "Well, first of all, he was a fuck buddy so the first date technically."

"Well then, your other ex...."

You sighed avoiding her question. "Min, you just started dating this guy and you want him to fuck you already." Your eyebrows furrowed.

You can tell she was uncomfortable. "I'm just getting impatient and I thought guys in college dived right into that stuff."

"I mean you ain't wrong. College guys are horn dogs." You giggled. "But I don't know, maybe he's a gentleman."

You chuckled to yourself because you knew that was the farthest from the truth. Donghyuck was no gentleman, at least not anymore....or maybe this was somehow an act to look innocent to get girl to fall for boy faster - what an evil genius.

"So am I wrong to worry? All we've done is kiss and hold hands. I want more." She sounded defeated and you as her best friend would feel bad and want this douche to pay but this was Donghyuck we're talking about, you didn't want happiness for him. Cruel yes but maybe he deserved it.

"Break up with him." You said nonchalantly.

"Not this again (Y/N). You act like you don't like him but you met him once, can't you try a little harder."

You heard a knock on the door ending your conversation thankfully. "I hope that's not Riri, I told her to distract Jimin, we're not done." She panicked as she opened the door.

"Speak of the devil." She squealed hugging the person on the other side and of course it had to be none other than your ex himself. "You came early to help?"

"Of course." He spoke and you couldn't help but laugh to yourself in the kitchen. His tone sounding unfamiliar.

"(Y/N) be nice." She warned as she passed you in the kitchen. "I have some balloons here that need to be filled up and I still have the punch that needs to be made and oh the snacks."

You and Donghyuck both shook your head at Minjeong's pacing as she needed everything to be perfect.

"I'll stay here with the snacks." You offered, already grabbing the bowls from the cabinets.

"Okay great. I'll blow up balloons." She grabbed the bag. "Oh shit, I left the cake in the car." She panicked and made her way to the door. "Channie, can you make the punch, you do it the best."

"A-huh." He nodded feeling overwhelmed and as soon as she left he sighed.

"Channie." You mocked as soon as he made his way over. "I love you Channie....you're so cute Channie."

"Please shut up." He grabbed the bowl, not caring he basically pushed you out of the way.

"What's wrong, no love in paradise?" You teased.

He just glared at you as you continued your fun. "I'm surprised you haven't told her yet....seems unlike you."

"Like I said, you tend to ruin relationships all on your own." You shrugged pouring the chips in the bowl.

"Yep, that was all me." He said sarcastically.

"I'm surprised you haven't slept with her yet, come on Hyukie, you're better than that.....have you lost your touch?"

"How do you even know what we've done."

"Did you forget Minjeong is my best friend? She tells me things....and she is upset."

"Upset huh?" He turned towards you with a smirk. "She really wants me that bad?.....I was waiting for her to beg.....virgin's especially can't wait long enough."

"You're sick. Maybe she's just desperate."

"You let me know when you hear next door." He remarked as Minjeong opened the door cutting off your conversation.

You crumbled the rest of the chip bag and threw it aggressively in the trash.

"Cakes fine." She smiled and sensed the awkward tension. "How's the snacks coming."

"Everything is dandy." You smiled and Donghyuck nodded and continued his punch.

You grabbed the completed bowls and made your way to the living room to place on the coffee table. You really tried not to show your disturbed emotion as you turned to grab more bowls seeing the two embraced in a sweet kiss and giggling together.

It hurt....it hurt because that was you once.

"Um....can I add liquor to this?" Donghyuck was quick to pull away, wiping off his smile as he saw you grabbing another bowl close by.

"This isn't that kind of party." Minjeong giggled.

"Not a lot, just enough to take off some edge." You knew he met you but you didn't turn around to show you were listening. You were done listening.

"Half a bottle." She said and made her way to the living room blowing up balloons.

Then you finally looked back as he gave you a rueful smile and then suddenly emptying the whole bottle causing you to softly giggle. Not a party if Donghyuck isn't spiking the punch, typical.

....

"Guys, they're gonna be here any minute." Minjeong announced as the talking started to die down.

"Isn't that your ex?" Yetak spoke next to you as Donghyuck was practically hiding in the kitchen, engaged in a conversation with Mark and Renjun. You could tell he was anxious to even be in this situation that you so happened to make worse by lying to everyone.

"Nope, they just look alike." She looked at you puzzled and then back at him. "I'll explain later but for now just pretend you don't know him okay?"

"Shhhh....she's coming." Minjeong had everyone quiet and as as the door opened....

"Surprise!" Everyone cheered as soon as Jimin and Riri walked through the door. You didn't invite a lot of people to your apartment, just some close friends and of course Minjeong allowed Donghyuck to invite some of his friends and bless your soul Jeno and Jaemin decided not to come saving you a night of disaster.

"Oh wow....thank you everyone." She smiled and leaned next to Minjeong. "I said no party."

"It's not a party....it's a gathering." She smiled cutely.

"It's a party." She smiled but you could sense the anxiety in her.

"It's not even big enough to be a party.....I only invited a few people." She remarked. "We have drinks and food....just a hang out - you only turn 23 once."

She nodded looking at you for help. "If you're really concerned Channie made some special punch if you need to relax."

"Or Mark bought some drinks, since we're all adults." He spoke up and Jimin locked eyes with him and immediately looked to you causing you to shake your head.

"Some of us." You smirked trying to get rid of any suspicion.

"Oh Jimin.....I didn't introduce you yet." Minjeong dragged him closer and he couldn't help but fake a smile as Jimin was already set up to cause disaster. "Jimin this is Haechan."

"You're the catfish?" She spoke and you combed through your hair panicked.

"Catfish?" He questioned.

"Don't take it personal Hy-Haechan.....we knew Min met you online and you know it's hard to trust anyone. Most of them lie and cheat and hide who they really are."

He glared towards you but quickly pulled off a fake laugh. "You're right....there's a bunch of crazy people on those sites, lucky Minjeong didn't meet one."

"Nope I didn't." She held his arm leaning closer.

Jimin locked eyes with you again shrewdly. "Nice to meet you."

"Do you mind if I get dressed real quick, Min?" She made a beeline through to her room. "(Y/N), Riri.....help me." She signaled and you were quick to follow.

"Can you be any more suspicious." You shouted in a hushed whisper.

"What the fuck is going on? Why is he here?"

You sighed. "That's Minjeong's new boyfriend."

"Very funny." Riri laughed.

"I'm not lying, it's been him all along -the catfish."

"Are you fucking kidding me?" Jimin practically yelled.

"Keep your voice down. Can you see why I've been so pissy lately."

"Oh my god, she don't know? You didn't tell her?"

"How am I suppose to tell her. She liked him before I even knew who he really was. I can't do that to her."

"But you're gonna let her do this to you?" Riri spoke up.

"It's not her fault, she never met "my ex" before." You shrugged defeated.

"So what is this? Is this his way of getting back at you." Jimin asked.

"He swears he didn't know she was our friend."

"Bullshit." She shook her head.

"Well, he seemed pretty startled when he first met me."

"And you just played it off like you didn't know him?"

"What was I suppose to do Ri....say hey ummm you know this is my ex that broke my heart into a million pieces."

"Yes."

Jimin looked more angry than you. "I don't know who I should be more pissed at...you or her or him."

"Trust me I'm pissed at myself as it is." You put your hands on your hips, taking a deep breath.

"And he's not in anyway consider breaking it off with her?"

"I tried.....he doesn't care about me anymore."

"You have to tell her." Jimin said with more sympathy.

"Let her be happy with that jerk."

"I don't mean for her, for you. This is not healthy (Y/N)....not after what he put your through - is still putting you through."

"Well, it's too late.....she's already sunk in deep."

"I don't care. She deserves to know, unless you're gonna keep lying to her."

"Besides - if she knew she was doing this to you, she would be upset." Riri spoke up after Jimin.

"Okay fine, but not yet."

"Sooner is better than later, she can't fall farther than she already has."

"I know, I'll handle it. I mean.....if she still wants to date him after then it's whatever."

"Why would you do that when you're still in love with him?"

"I'm not still in love- I'm not." You could tell they didn't believe you. "I'm fine - I promise."

"Guys. Everything alright?" Minjeong opened the door and Jimin quickly changed her shirt, avoiding suspension.

"Everythings great, I love the party."

Minjeong rolled her eyes playfully. "I know I know, I just want your birthday to be special."

"It is, thank you." She gave a genuine smile as you all looted back to the rest of the apartment.

"Drinks you say?" Jimin grabbed you and headed towards the kitchen. "Nice to see you again Hyuck- oops I mean Haechan." She smirked and you couldn't help but giggle as you both grabbed some drinks off the counter.

He gave a look of annoyance. "Hmm, what did she tell you?"

"Oh nothing.....I just think that if neither of you are gonna tell Minjeong than I will." She warned causing you both to look at each other timidly.

"Go ahead, I already told (Y/N) to tell her.......I did nothing wrong here."

"That's priceless." She laughed.

"What did she tell you about us.....I'm dying to know." He leaned on the counter.

"More than enough."

"I bet my life it wasn't the truth." He said causing you to laugh causing the attention of Minjeong from across the room.

"Let's not do this here....it's Minjeongs party after all." You said and Jimin took a sip in agreement.

"Have the punch it's stronger." Donghyuck smirked before walking away.

"Still in love huh?" She asked as she walked away as well. You took a deep breath grabbing a cup of his poisoned punch.

He definitely put more than one bottle in here. And it showed after three cups, but at least you weren't the only one.

::: LoveAboveMyPinkClouds: blog post #52 I wouldn't say I'm a messy drunk but you may be fooled once you're a witness. I tried to contain my emotions, I tried to contain my actions but when your love life is this much of a mess than wouldn't you agree I deserve it - a little medicine to forget my past and apparently my present. It hurts and booze is all I have. Relax - it doesn't mean I'm turning myself into an alcoholic but every now and then I need something to ease the pain. Let's just hope I don't say anything I regret the next day. :::

"I'm so curious yeah.....sajin sok niga!!!!" You sang along drunkenly with Minjeong. "Georeo nawa wae!"

"Psst.....how long are you going to let this go on?" Mark spoke next to Donghyuck as he watched you and Minjeong sing and Dance to the music.

"You want to turn the music off?" He took a sip of his drink.

"I mean this girlfriend - ex girlfriend thing."

"(Y/N) is gonna tell her anyway, so I'll just wait it out."

"How do you know that?"

"Because I know her."

"I need a refill." Minjeong made her way to the kitchen. "I love your punch Channie.....I can't get enough."

"Oh but you will." He pulled her away as she practically collapsed into his arms.

"But it's so good." She whined.

"You can have more tomorrow." He said sweetly as he guided her to her room.

The party was pretty much cleared out by this point. "It's getting late I guess we'll head out." Renjun spoke as he stood up.

"You guys can't go yet. We're not done singing." You slurred your words. "Oof, it's hot." You started taking off your shirt.

"She has a habit of stripping when she's drunk." Jimin laughed and Donghyuck combed his fingers through his hair in annoyance as soon as he stepped out of Minjeong's room.

"I'll put her to bed, you can go." Jimin offered as Mark and Renjun approached the door.

"Thank you for inviting us, happy birthday Jimin." Mark spoke before making an exit.

"We didn't even sing happy birth-" You puked before finishing your sentence.

"You guys go, I'll meet you back." Donghyuck said to Mark and Renjun and he grabbed you gently, guiding you to the bathroom.

He leaned over the tub, turning on the shower to warm. He started unzipping your puke filled jeans helping you out of them as you just stared at him apologetic. "I'm sorry."

"Maybe I should of listened to Minjeong and only put half a bottle." He showed a slight smile.

"I'm sorry for ruining our relationship." He was caught off guard from your statement. You always accused him first for ruining the relationship but now it was the other way around. What changed with you and when did you feel this way?

"What do you mean (Y/N)." He looked at you puzzled.

"I'm sorry I was a horrible girlfriend to make you cheat." You teared and he sighed taking a moment to comprehend your confession.

"You weren't a horrible girlfriend (Y/N)."

"I bet Minjeong is better than me." You looked up at him. "Does she make you happy?"

"Let's just get you cleaned up, okay." He turned you around and unclipped your bra and guide you to the shower, closing the curtain as he faced away from you respectfully. Even though he's seen all of you before, he knew it wasn't his right anymore.

Once you were done, he handed you a towel and helped you to your room picking out some simple sweats, getting you ready for bed.

"Drink this whole glass before falling asleep." You nodded taking the water as he headed towards your door.

"Hyuck."

"Yeah?" He turned around.

"Can you stay with me?" You begged softly.

"You know I can't do that." It was his turn to look at you apologetic.

"Oh....yeah." You said quietly. "Well, thank you for taking care of me."

"Sure." He smiled softly. "Goodnight (Y/N)."

"Happy birthday to me." Jimin spoke as she got up from cleaning the puke off the floor.

"Well technically..." He pulled out his phone. "It's 1:47.....it's not your birthday anymore."

"Har har......thanks old friend." She threw the rag at him.

"Ew." He dodged.

"It's your ex's puke." She laughed. "So.....about that."

"I don't want to talk about it." He started towards the door. "She's a mess."

"Well, can you blame her?" She started making the mood more tense.

"I didn't cheat on her Jimin, I don't know what she told you but she caught something and she took it way out of proportion."

"Then why don't you explain that to her."

"I tried, she won't listen to me."

"Well, maybe she's willing to listen now." She crossed her arms.

"It's too late now.....I moved on, now it's her turn." He opened the door. "I really didn't know about Minjeong if she believes that or not but I can't lose sleep over this. I'm sorry."

"It's not just that." Jimin spoke as he took his hand off the door knob, alerting his attention back. "She's not over you, can't you see that?"

He shrugged. "What do you want me to do.....she broke up with me."

"I think the answer is pretty simple." She said softly.

"It's not my fault she didn't tell her, she's the one that lied."

"But it doesn't make it right." He sighed at her answer.

"Look, I don't owe her anything, she decided to push me out. If she chooses to tell her the truth than fine, but for now I'm going to continue on with my life and she needs to do the same."

"Alright....I get it, it's none of my business - I just care about my friends that's all. But she will know eventually and I don't want anyone to get hurt."

"Have any of you considered that it's not just (Y/N) that is hurt?" He confessed before walking out the door. "Happy Birthday Jimin."

She softly smiled in return and let out a long groan as soon as she locked the door behind him.

::: LoveAboveMyPinkClouds: blog post #52 Okay so I admit....I fucked up. Pretending I didn't know my best friends new boyfriend is probably the dumbest decision I have ever made but what can I say - I panicked. I saw him and my mind went blank.....because the truth be told.....I'm not over you D - there I said it. Most of you called it anyway. Why do I even bother hiding anything. Those two damn years we have spent together was the best two damn years of my life - even if I still think it was wasted. D was the one I was so sure I wanted to marry, to eventually have kids with, to grow old with - my everything. But what changed? I know you guys are still dying to know.....but I'm just not ready. I got drunk last night and poured my heart out just to be shot down. Regrets regrets regrets - now he knows how I feel, I showed him weakness and now he's probably gloating in his victory. Probably even telling J of how much of a mess I am at this very moment. I'm in for a treat that's for sure. Well I guess that's all for now. Xoxo peace :::

"Can I talk to you for a second?" He arched his eyebrows in confusion as you were the one knocking on his door.

"I don't want to be rude (Y/N) but I'm leaving soon to meet up with Minjeong."

"I know, it will just be a second." Your tone was serious and he opened his door to let you in. Mark was nowhere to be seen, leaving you and Donghyuck alone for your disliking.

"So what's up?" He sat down on his wheelie chair, gently rocking back and fourth. You couldn't help but admire his comfy state - hair slightly a mess - slight dark circles forming under his eyes from his lack of sleep caused by late night video games and - sweats to top it all off. You missed that.

What were you doing? This is your ex you are thinking about. He wasn't yours anymore - stop staring at him like that. "(Y/N)? Are you still hungover?"

"Um- yes definitely hungover." He smirked at your stumble. "I just wanted you to know that, that wasn't me last night.....I was clearly drunk and I said some thing's I didn't mean and I'm sorry."

"You didn't say anything upsetting." He grew confused.

"Yeah but I still said some things I regret....I don't remember every little piece but I do know you helped me to bed and I just wanted to thank you."

"Sure but for you sake, let's not do it again." He leaned forward resting on his knees. "You made poor Jimin clean up your vomit on her birthday."

"I threw up?"

"All over the place.....even on yourself."

Your eyes grew wide trying to recall the events that happened. He cleaned you up? Does that mean he undressed you?

"I know what you're thinking." He stood up. "I had no intention of seeing you naked so get those dirty thoughts out of your head. I just helped you in the shower."

"How am I suppose to believe you when I was drunk."

His expression turned sour. "You should know me better than that.....and besides it's not like I haven't seen you before."

"But you don't have that right anymore." You snickered. "Who am I kidding, it wouldn't be the first time looking at other women when you're in a relationship."

He sighed clenching his teeth. "This is what I get for helping you?......Why don't you do everyone a favor and don't get wasted anymore because no one is going to help you."

"I didn't ask for you to help me."

"Why are you even here if you were just gonna harass me?"

"I just wanted to tell you to forget last night even happened."

"Forgotten." He held open the door and you walked out, you turned around thinking more words were going to be said but instead - a door slammed in your face.

::: LoveAboveMyPinkClouds: blog post #53 Transferring was becoming more and more clear as I live day to day. I am just making everything worse.....aren't I. Every time I open my mouth I find myself regretting what comes pouring out - drunk or sober. I don't know what to do by this point. My heart is like a balloon - slowly being deflated. :::

"What's wrong with you?" Jimin said as you burst through the door and collapsed on the couch.

"I hate everything."

"What happened now?"

"I went over to thank Hyuck for helping me last night but it turned into an argument like always."

"You went over to his dorm?" She asked.

"Yeah." You shrugged nonchalantly.

"Minjeong is on her way over there now, what if she saw you?"

"He said he was meeting her - never mind, I don't care.....I didn't see her it's fine."

"If you're gonna hold up this secret of yours, you need to be more careful because what if she thinks you two are hooking up behind her back, that would be worse than lying."

"That wouldn't happen." You shook your head.

"Why because you're gonna tell her the truth?" She forced.

"No because every time we're together we argue. No love connection what's-so-ever." She glared at you. "I'll tell her jeez, no worries I'm just waiting for the right time."

"There's never a good time, that's why you should just get it over with."

"I know." You sighed finally sitting up right, turning on the tv. "I've literally been rehearsing what I'm going to say."

"Just make it short and simple. Haechan is Donghyuck and you're having a hard time accepting them together."

"I'm not having a hard time-"

"Stop bullshitting (Y/N).....you can lie to yourself all you want but you're not fooling the rest of us."

You rolled your eyes but you knew she was right. "I'm just gonna go drown myself in alcohol."

"(Y/N), no more drinking." She laughed.

"Honestly I'm done talking about this right now." You snipped. "I just want to forget about him for one damn second."

"So....we ordering food, then."

"Yes please." You faked whined causing each other to laugh breaking the tension.

::: LoveAboveMyPinkClouds: blog post #53 Yep.....I should have most definitely kept my mouth shut, because I might have pissed him off worse than I thought. But I should have learned that if you mess with a snake, you're gonna get bit but I flinched and now the venom is traveling down to take me out for good this time. :::

"(Y/N) get dressed." Minjeong burst through the door being dramatically over excited.

"Why?" You groaned not wanting to get up.

"You and I are going on a double date." She said and Jimin sucked in her lips trying to not say anything.

"Huh?" You leaned up.

"Come on.......it will be fun. Dancing and dinner - hot sexy date."

"With who?" You were beyond puzzled.

"Okay so maybe I'm not really sure.....but Haechan says he has this friend that wants to hang out and he's single so...." She shrugged.

Donghyuck selecting a date for you? This can't be good. You pissed him off this morning and now he is in some way, taking revenge. Who could it be? Maybe he payed some desperate nerd to hook you up with. The thought just made your skin crawl. He was definitely up to no good.

"I'm sick."

"(Y/N) please...let's have fun." She pouted.

"Okay but the second I'm uncomfortable, I'm leaving." You'll be surprised if you last the first 5 minutes, to be honest.

.....

"Will you stop pacing, they will be here any minute."

"I thought this place was a lounge not a club."

"It is a lounge, I guess they are just packed tonight." She shrugged.

"I swear if he brings some creep to hit on me-"

"Look they're here." You glanced over seeing Donghyuck entered first and you already hated him for looking the way he did. He may be the type to wear sweats all day if he wanted to but when it came down to business, he knew how to dress nicely and you grew angry from just how attractive he is.

He glanced at you but by the way he eyed you up and down made your question what he was really thinking. He almost seemed speechless. You just hoped he wasn't thinking anything negative.

He did love me once?.....

You tried to shake off the thought of him, looking behind to see who he thought would distract you for the night on this oh so exciting double and you almost thought your eyes deceived you. What an asshole! You knew he was out for revenge and he couldn't sink any lower.

"Hey (Y/N)."

"Hey Jaemin."

>> Next Part

©property.of.kz-i-co

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stanleyvampire14 · 3 months

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Hi so here’s a little rant/vent I do apologize as I normally don’t post extremely negative things

TW- Transphobia 💀

My mother was rambling about “If yOu hAvE a wEiNer tHeN yOuR a BoY aNd viCe vErSa iF yOuRe a giRL” bs and I just sat there and listened because she was talking to someone else in my family about it and my face was cringing so hard oh my god shut up shut the FUCK up You are bullshitting you don’t know what you’re talking about you don’t understand what’s going on in trans peoples’ heads they’re that way for a reason they aren’t trying to stray from the “normal” they want to FEEL normal within themselves please shut the hell up oh my god

Anyways sorry about that I had to let it out I’m so unbelievably pissed she needs to shut her mouth but I can’t SAY that also I’m not trying to like speak on trans and other peoples behalfs I’m just saying that she doesn’t exactly understand yall and I really wish that she’d be more open but nOOO.

Also if you find yourself agreeing with her “You can’t just change who you originally were” ideas then please feel free to block me because I’m not having that shit infecting my profile. Aka, if you’re ANY kind of LGBTQIA+ phobe then please for the love of all that is holy block me, thanks.

#tw vent #apologies I really had to say something #I can’t exactly talk to anybody else #I am a safe space for anybody that wants to talk #except zoophiles and y’know that whole thing those people are…something…#Even if I don’t get reply back when you dm me #I will still try to reply back as soon as possible. most of the time when I don’t reply to people I’m sleeping #love y’all and take care of yourselves #drink water and all that! chug! also eat- eat stuff that’s good for you! at least one thing! eat blueberries or smth #will get back to regular silly hehe posting tomorrow or later today

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theroundbartable · 28 days

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I've seen it again today. Hate on tumblr:

(I'm venting a bit, sorry:)

"don't tag this ship here!!!!" (Context: a ship not referring to the art was mentioned in the tags, as a commentary. It was not one of my posts though)

"now WE (shippers of that ship) have to see it!"

"The ship that's actually in this post is bullshit, they have no chemistry etc."

Hater? Fuck you.

I went there specifically looking for the ship tag that you hate and I now have to see YOUR bullshit, so get a grip. Anyone can ship what they want, regardless if it has chemistry or not. No matter if it's "only popular because it's a stereotypical ship" Ever heard of crack ships? It's a thing. I don't need to justify my shipping choices, thank you.

Commentary in tags is tumblr culture. Just look away. I can't believe it, but I'm actually quoting Jesus on you: "if your eyes are what tempts you, gauge out your eyes. If you can't control your hands, cut them off." Ship shaming is so fucking lame, I'm so done with this.

You can block tags you don't like!

And yeah, okay, it doesn't always work. I personally don't tag everything I reblog either, but for the love of - someone. Just scroll past!

If it bothers you THAT much, You can make posts gathering awareness of the importance of tagging correctly or if the ship is problematic for some reason (e.g. incest/pedophilia/etc.) report the user. You can ask the poster to correct their tags but you don't have to be a dick to people online. Especially not in this case because it was clearly just about preference.

Do you know how many times I read fanfics with Leon ships in them even when they're not tagged? Do you have any idea how often I see Alastor ship art on tumblr? The ship the person mentioned above prefers is another one of my NoTPs that happen to include on of the few ace characters I adore and want to remain outside of ships. I like the art anyway and keep scrolling. And I do not judge them for preferring that ship. Of course they are allowed to ship whatever they want. You can appreciate things you don't like for different reasons. For the humor, for the art style, for the fic it's from... Yeah, you'll cringe, but that's the worst of it. But this?!

Don't attack people for liking your NoTP!!!

This isn't how tumblr should be! We can be better than that!

#Personal #delete later #tumblr experience

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ashersanity · 3 months

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Hey, Asher. This is degenerate anon once again. Sorry for swarming your inbox with my asks 😭 I noticed you haven't been doing so well (because I may or may not be stalking your tags), and I just wanted to double-check, hope you're doing well. You're a pretty cool person and I'm kinda worried about your state Please, don't overwork yourself, whether it goes down to answering asks or other things like work or studies. We can wait as long as we have to for the first case, and you're a human too. What you do already is far more than enough I also just wanna remind you that you're awesome, and if anybody says otherwise, I'll punt them to the moon. I would have offered my inbox too, but I said some very embarrassing shit, there is absolutely no way I'm getting off anon, so all I can say is that I'll always be here for you, presence-wise. Eat and rest well today, you deserve a break (˘͈ ᵕ ˘͈♡) - Whitney's left tit- whoops, I meant... Degenerate anon :)

Lmfaooooo what. nah.

heavy vent. scroll past. thanks. →

Really, the last thing I really wanted when I made those posts was to worry anyone, not that I think I would but now I’m seeing a bunch of people suddenly reaching out to me and asking if I’m okay. I appreciate it a lot, really I do and you too, degenerate anon, for even bothering to ask when you could’ve scrolled past or played off those tags as shits n giggles since that’s what it sort of was in my head anyway. I wasn’t exactly in the best of states when I wrote those. Sometimes, rarely so, it gets so bad that I’m acting on impulse, sputtering out bullshit about wanting to end it right then and there, that it’d be better this way if I was never born at all. Its fucking hysterical how I play it off right after as if I didn’t just casually mention it a bit ago because truth is, I’m not okay yet I don’t want to reach out to anyone either in fear of being a bother and the vulnerability that comes with it. This whole persona of being obscenely horny for entertainment, unserious just for it to be a coping mechanism.

Not exactly sure why I’m laying it out all on you when you didn’t even ask for it, it’s selfish to do so but your ask just really made the words scramble and be put together in my brain as though I finally had the opportunity to answer the why to my question. Why the fuck am I like this. Why the fuck am I plagued with this utter crap of dealing with whatever the fuck this is. I don’t know what it really is, some have told me it’s depression and I’m simply in denial about it. Maybe I am. I’ve been through worse than this, especially in the lockdown though this somehow feels worser for no reason. I’m supposed to have gotten my shit together by then, moved out, new life, new place to settle in, new people, people who are actually kind and welcoming, regularly work out and whatnot.

I still feel like utter shit. I still feel like I’m not doing enough. To be honest, life is moving way too fucking fast for me, one day I’m still a young kid who’s spending his time all day at the park and the next I’m supposed to be a grown adult who’s got all his shit together by then, who has responsibilities, responsibilities that cannot be ignored nor pushed away no matter how much I try to run away from my problems. I know that it’s not that hard, at least, not compared to other people I’ve seen who have it so much harder and still manage through it all while I’m barely hanging on by a thread. It’s so pathetic, god. I need a shitty fictional character from a porn game to even cope about it but even then, there’s so much I can think about before reality hits me once more and I’m left to deal with my thoughts alone in the dark while my roommate is dozing away in the next room.

I hate it so much, I feel as though im not good enough no matter what I do, no matter what I try is simply not enough to measure to other people’s expectations or mines either, not that I think of myself much to begin with. Even when people tell me that what I do is good, wether it be art, writing, who I am as a whole, that they enjoy talking to me because I am who I am, reassured on my appearance too because no matter how many compliments I get I still feel like a monster hiding beneath a layer of flesh moulded to look like that of a human. I feel displaced. I feel as though I don’t belong. It’s not there’s nothing in the world for me, it’s simply I’m nothing for the world itself.

I’m a burden. It’s as simple as that, the amount of guilt that I feel when people express affection towards me, wether it be friends, family members, hell even romantic partners which I may or may not have rejected all from the horror of intimacy. Whenever they tell me they love me to my face, that they worry for me whenever I’m in a bad state, I can’t help the pit that fills my stomach nor the lump in my throat because I truly am undeserving of this fucking love. Give it someone else, please. Anyone but me because they need it more than I do, than whatever the fuck of a shitty person that I am.

I have it bad, so fucking bad that when someone hugged me today, I was practically burying my face in their shoulder and clinging onto dear life because by god, this is the only time I’ll ever allow myself such contact every time I push it away. Nearly burst into tears like a moron too even if I rarely do ever cry since it’s been ingrained in my head to never cry, boys don’t cry, he says, only sissies do and the last thing I wanna be is a pussy. Cried in front of him once as a kid and he told me to get my shit together and suck it up unless I wanna be beaten up in the adult world. So bad that someone actually caught me crying once and I quickly played it off as physical pain (recurring stomach ache) hurting me so bad that tears were spilling, frantically reassuring them that I’m good. Sometimes I do wonder, why i am the one to reassure others.

I know that if I actually reached out to the people that have offered, sought a therapist like a few people have recommended to, it would possibly get better or maybe not. It would probably do more good and I’d be able to sort through these feelings for sure but I won’t. I fucking won’t. I’ve gotten used to bottling up these feelings. Fuck, I’ve repressed them from years and it seems they’re finally spilling in this overly long ass post that no one will bother reading. That’s fine with me because I really need to say it out loud for once even if it’s written through text on a fucking platform called Tumblr where cock is more prevalent than someone’s fucking life.

I’m not okay. That’s the thing. I’m not fucking okay. I wish I could play it off as I usually do whenever people ask me such questions like “how are you” irl. I wish I could say it out loud, say it to their faces, say what I really am. I’m not okay. I’m not fucking okay and I don’t think I’ll be okay soon either because I’ve not fucking okay for so long that it’s getting to me. I’m not okay. I’m miserable actually, I’m so fucking miserable that I wish I could just sleep forever and never wake up again. I’m so fucking miserable that there’s not a day that goes by where there’s this fleeting thought in the back of my mind that wonders, wonders how better it’d be if I were to disappear altogether, stop being a burden to those around me. I’m so fucking miserable that I didn’t even bother answering your well-intentioned question and instead am laying myself bare to the world on a shitty tumblr post. I’m so fucking miserable that I had to pause as I type this because it’s as though I’m finally admitting the obvious truth that I’ve been unwilling to say. I’m so fucking miserable that I just wish I could curl up into a ball and freely cry into someone’s lap, I wish I could fucking yell it even.

I’m not okay. I’m not fucking okay. No matter how much I say it in these written words it doesn’t seem to equal to the amount of times I had to muffle myself, clasp a hand over my mouth in the darkness of my room as a teenager so that my noisy parents don’t overhear my cries. I’m not fucking okay because even when I tell myself as an adult now, that I’m over it, I’m not. I’ve been going through it for so very long, willingly choosing to suffer in silence because it’s the easiest for me even if it will ruin me in the end. It’s already ruining me and eating me from the inside. I’d rather dump all of this crap on here than even say it to the people who’re close to me, asking about it.

I’m burnt out, I’m tired. I wish to rest but I can’t.

Because I think I’m fucking a piece of shit who doesn’t deserve such.

I hope you’re doing better than me, degenerate anon. Sincerely so, you deserve it and thanks for even asking again despite the few interactions we’ve had through asks. You’re my favorite anon for sure.

But ahah, im doing fine lmfao.

#LMFAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO #lmfao #lol #XD even #I’m so silly #so fucking close to losing it #aren’t we all? lololololol #cringe #dumb post #mentions of wanting to fucking kill my self #oops i guess?#degenerate anon #asher in the flesh #delete this shit rn

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italoniponic · 1 year

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Hey Cherry today i have decided to show yuu our appreciation for all the bullshit they deal with at NRC by writing some of my personal headcanons about them

(sorry if the formatting and gramnar is bad i am writing this on my phone.)

Mc is a really good teacher because of how often they have to tutor Grim, Adeuce, floyd or anybody really when they need to write an upcoming test or exam and they need or didnt pay attention in class.

Mc is a DIY pro. Ramshackle dorm is akways falling apart due to how old it is so Mc has to repair it everytime something is not working or gets broken.

Mc and Grim arent apart of any clubs cuz Crowley is running them ragged with his personal tasks but they will occasionally pop by a random club and take pictures during their session

Following the previous point. When they went to the pop music club it damn near turned inti a photoshoot wuth Kalim, Lilia and Cater busy posing in different ways and in different outfits(Cater one hundred percent posted all those photos on his magicam account with hashtags like #popmusiclubphotoshoot and # pictures with the boys). When mc went to The film study club they became Vils impromptu cameraman because he decided to hold a theater practice that day (Vils was so impressed with Mc's camera skills he low-key thought of hiring them as his personal cameraman)

Mc is actually really beautiful but because of all the mishaps and their horrible sleep schedule they tend not to look all that amazing that was until Vil decided to hold a live QnA and have Mc work their Camera but because Mc didnt want to embarass Vil they put an actual effort into look nice by putting on their nicest casual clothing and some light make up. Eventually at one point Vil off handedly mentioned that they have somebody working the camera right now which soarked all of his followers pestering him into showing Mc face. After relenting and showing his followers their face they all blew uo his chat witg compliments about hiw pretty and breathtakibg they look and how only Vil could get another model to be his camera man etc. (definetly made mc a regular on his QnA after that)

Mc, Jamil and Ruggie all go to the Mostro lounge every friday night and drink a fae drink that has simikar effects to alochol without all the negative side effects and vent all their frustrations for that week to one another so yeah Mc has drinking buddies.

Mc is actually a lot fitter than they look because of how often they hace to run around nught raven college doing tasks or manual labor it helps keeps them fit.

Mc eats a lot of healthy foods meant for athletes because its cheaper than the other foods and mc is broke.

Speaking of that Mc is constantly broke because they have to a pay for all of the things Grim inadvertently breaks and materials to fix the dorm

Mc spoils grim, like a lot. This is because they know how tough it is bejng a magicless student in a school meant for mages but they know Grim has it just as rough due to him being a mknster so they often spoil him by bejng him premium tuna if their is enough money or buying him the food he wants at the cafeteria etc.

Mc at one pount wanted to renovate the entirety of Ramshackle dorm but didnt go through with it when they realised how much Malleus liked the look and feel of the dorm

Last one for today Grim is the sole reason Mc gets out of bed. Sometimes Mc gets tired. Tired of dealing wuth everyone's problems, tired of alk the scorn and hate they receive from student body and most kf tired kf never knowing when they can go home but when they hear in the early hours of the morning Grim shouting at the ghosts about how he will become the greatest mage of all time and how he will leave his legend in the annals of history. It makes mc realise that Grim has all the same problems as Mc but they don't bicth and whine about it and that gives them the energy they need to get through the day

Anyway cherry I really hoped you like it and if you want i dont mind making a part two of this later down the line.

Anyway goodbye

It was a surprise for me to receive such a good share of hcs for our lovely and hardworking MC/Yuu! Thanks so much, dear. I loved a lot of them actually lol

MC on their teaching skills, how they're getting better at the ghost camera and sometimes they just have fun with it. The bit about how MC, Jamil and Ruggie bond over their work struggles and just go on a relaxing night to talk <3

GIVING GRIM SOME LOVE BC HOW CAN WE NOT??? as much as I don't comment a lot about Grim either in posts or stories, I actually see much of my own cat on him so I would ended up spoiling him a little... but have some fights with him too lmao (that's just me being more of a cat-person)

Grim being a accidental inspiration is something that he probably wouldn't expect much himself lol but makes us think about how after mourning something, we should get up and face the world then again. I mean, it's a natural response to get sad and tired of lot of things but if you don't get over it or do something about it, what will all mean after all? You'll just get tired and nothing will change anyway

Grim going to the mirror and shouting that one meme "DO IT MAKE YOUR DREAMS COME TRUE" and MC, after some good moment of sleeping, is like "well, you heard the monster cat"

oh, dear, I love it! Feel free to drop by again with a part two if you want to. Thank you so much <3

#twisted wonderland #mc/yuu #twst grim #twst headcanons #jamil viper #ruggie bucchi #malleus draconia #vil schoenheit #kalim al asim #lilia vanrouge #cater diamond #hardworking mc/yuu hcs #cherry's reply #cherry's mumbling about twst

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thedisablednaturalist · 1 month

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i'm sorry, i can't stop thinking about your job post and i know we don't know each other and this might be me sticking my nose in but as one disabled person to another I just think you should turn your forms in anyway, if you haven't. Like send them the form, make them tell you no, if they're going to.

Because, like... you deserve this, you shouldn't be excluded because accommodations can't be made for you, that's on them! You absolutely don't have to take my advice and I'm sorry if this is rude of me, but if it helps at all,

if I've learned one thing that I adamantly believe in as a person that the system likes to kick around and keep down, it's that I make other people tell me no, because if I want something/know I am qualified for that thing, I try to remind myself that if I don't get it, it's not because of something I did or something I told myself. It's not because I refused myself that chance, if that makes sense.

I just think if there's a one in a million chance this could work out for you, and you want it, I just hope you give yourself that chance. You never know, maybe the hiring manager or whoever thinks those forms are bullshit, too. Maybe it's just paperwork that we're all restricted by, but it won't matter to them what you write. If I'm right in understanding your posts about this when they've come up on my dash, they interviewed you, you were a good fit!

Being disabled is a fuck of a time, a lot of the time, and I just-- man idk. this isn't your fault? i know you're just venting but i... jobs should make accommodations. that's it. they're missing out on great work from us by not making accommodations.

Anyway, obviously if this feels wrong for you, then you know what's best for you, and I'm wrong here, but i think they're going to lose out on everything you can offer, they're going to lose out on the wealth of what you can bring to this position if they're ridiculous enough not to accept you into this position.

That's all. I hope this came across the way I hope it does. Anyway, good luck <3

Thank you, and no I didn't find this rude at all! I hope they'll be understanding, I just kind of feel like they underestimated how big of a deal the medical exam is to a disabled person. My counselor said me having a disability is disclosed upfront due to schedule A so you'd think they'd be more...upfront about what physical requirements they have? And being open to that discussion? Due to already knowing that the person applying is disabled?? It's kind of like asking for apple pie and being mad when it doesn't come with ice cream. Like the whole pie is there still? And you asked specifically for apple pie. Dang it now I'm hungry.

Anyway I'm still going to go through the process and see how it goes, that's my DARs counselors advice. Her plan is to just keep going until we run into an issue, which is not really how I like to do things. I like to get potential issues out upfront and in the open before they become worse. But she's the expert I guess.

I have another interview for a different position next week so I'm gonna wait for that before I make more concrete plans.

I always tell people the same thing, that by excluding disabled people from the workforce, they are missing out on our perspectives, our knowledge, and our passion. Just because a person might need a couple accommodations. It's awful.

#wrenfea.ask #working while disabled

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stuckinapatriarchalbullshitland · 3 months

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I hate some of C’s fans so much sometimes I’m so glad I’m not on stan twitter cus they act like it’s some kind of mission to prove that she is the straightest woman alive on almost every post she makes, like are they that insecure she could be anything other than that?? I didn’t even realise some outright acknowledge how gay she used to act (when she actually had some more freedom to but they ignore that) but brush it off as a phase and completely ignore that being bi or pan is a thing. Sorry Stuck just wanted to vent, anyway next PR will be annoying as hell but I got through all of shawmila in the end so oh well

Don't worry, you can come to vent, but you also know that you don't have to pay attention to bullshit

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hakirachan · 3 months

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Hey guys. Hakira here. Just a rant below the cut, read if you want. Or don’t. I don’t care.

I usually don’t vent on this blog. It’s mostly full of crack, shits and giggles, which is why you probably weren’t expecting this kind of post. But I just need to explain something in case I suddenly stop posting one day. (I know you guys probably don’t care; in fact, most of y’all probs won’t see this, but I needed to post this anyways. Sorry.) It’s kinda depressing so feel free to keep scrolling now that you know that.

So, I’m at a really shitty point in my life. It feels like everyone’s against me, like I’ve got almost nobody supporting me, and I feel like I’m hated by everyone I’ve ever looked up to. I know, sooo original. Well, it’s deeper than that.

I’m still living with my parents (somehow), but it’s always been pretty toxic ever since I was a kid. As the youngest, I can guarantee that the “youngest sibling is the favorite child, oldest gets all the work” stereotype is complete bullshit. I was told to do some things that kids that age shouldn’t have had to do. At just 6-7 years old, I was forced to take heavy bags & boxes (and I mean 40-50 pounds each) of my dad’s old shit down to the curb and wait there until they got picked up by his friend (“to make sure it didn’t get blown away” or something like that) in the middle of a fucking snowstorm, with temps below -10 degrees Fahrenheit [around -23 degrees Celsius]. Almost lost my fingers from that. They made me set out & pack up most things for a family campout on my own when I wasn’t even staying at the campsite; I was staying home with a mean, nicotine-addicted (took out a cigarette the moment my parents pulled out of the driveway; refused to stop smoking even though the smoke was making my 8-year-old body nauseous) babysitter because I had a B- in one of my classes. I know this doesn’t sound that bad, but the problem is that I wasn’t even 10 when these things were happening. It’s not really anything too serious, but I was still basically ripped out of my childhood way too early. But, enough about my childhood; now my present life. I’ve relied on my friends for comfort for most of my life because of my dysfunctional home. Recently, though, my friends have become more distant and toxic. Spreading rumors, talking shit, leaving me out, and pulling pranks that go too far (like ruining the outfit I worked so hard to make the day before my band concert). I’ve only got three friends I trust; however, 2 of them I hardly talk to anymore (not because anything happened, we’ve just got different things going on in our lives). So, there’s only one real friend who’s always stuck with me. However, there’s nothing he can do about my family at home. As I said earlier, my family’s always been toxic and dysfunctional. It should have gotten better over the years, but no. It’s gotten worse. They’ve cussed me out, threatened me, and recently, I’ve even been a victim to some domestic violence. I talked to the cops about it, and to a lady from the state who deals with these kinds of things. However, since there were no visible marks and no proof of it, they couldn’t log it as abuse because they can’t just go off of what is said; they need some hard evidence to actually do anything. So, since I don’t have the money to move out of my parent’s house, I had to watch my only hope at escaping this mental and verbal (and now some physical) abuse quite literally walk out the door. I’ve been having suicidal thoughts and self-harm urges for the longest time. And, I’m ashamed to admit it because I’ve talked so many people out of it irl, but recently I have been self-harming. Thing is, while I had helped so many other people, nobody ever helped me through these dark times in my life. In fact, some people (who I helped through their trauma) literally told me to self-harm and to just kill myself when I tried venting to them. I just can’t deal with this shit anymore. I’ve tried and I’ve tried, but I can’t see the “bright side” anymore. There is no more “bright side” for me. I’m on the edge right now, literally. But I’ve got you guys to thank for getting me this far. Thank you so much for being here for me, even though I don’t usually vent, and you guys didn’t know what I’ve been going through up until now, so you weren’t actively trying to support me. Even so, thanks for appreciating me and not treating me like I’m more worthless than a dead plant. I love you all, and I hope you guys have great lives. So, if I change my mind, then I’ll see you guys later. If not…well, don’t mourn me, I’ll be in a better place. So long, guys. also im gonna give this a few days in case things get better (though let’s be honest, they’re probably not gonna) so don’t miss me just yet. If I’m gone for like, over a week, then you can assume I finally freed myself from this hell

shoutout to my mutuals, you guys are awesome and were great help to me (im not gonna pin you so you don’t feel obliged to read/reply to my dumb rant): dumb-mc-sheep cldhart08 acronym49 cricketproofreads im-an-angy-alpaca trash-opposum

And special shoutouts to my two fav mutuals (sorry other moots) @family-disappointment and @avatarofstars! You two were some of the greatest motivators for me to keep going. I’m sorry that your efforts (while unintentional) probably weren’t enough this time. I love you both and wish you both the best lives you can have! (And sorry for bothering you with the tag, just wanted you to see this last little note to you both💜)

This is Hakira, signing out.

#goodbye #i love you all #i wish you all the best #and im gonna miss you all #thank you guys for everything you’ve done for me.#this is Hakira signing out.#hakira rants

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b4th0fb100d · 5 months

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pinned post <3

freshly relapsed and decided to come back here .

DNI IF IN RECOVERY OR UNDER 16 . DNI FATPHOBES .

I AM PURELY HERE TO VENT INTO THE VOID AND TRACK MY BULLSHIT FOR MYSELF . IF YOU'RE READING THIS YOU ARE WORTHY AND DESERVING OF RECOVERY I PROMISE .

my name is brutus and i'm 17 . i've had an ed since i was 8 or 9 or so and been hospitalised repeatedly for years due to my mental health (cringe ik) . im open to interaction but im a little too autistic to communicate smoothly so im sorry in advance LMAO

tw stats below the break :3

as i was making this acc (nov.24th) it said i have 225 days til my next birthday (when i turn 18) and since i want to be moved out/moving out by then, that's how long i have to reach my ugw or at least get closer to it than now .

hw ; 210lbs maybe? back in dec.2022 i think (bmi 33)

lw ; 110lbs (bmi 17)

cw ; 197lbs LMAO. embarrassing tbh (bmi 31)

gonna set each gw per month so

gw1 (by dec.31st) ; 180lbs (bmi 29)

gw2 (by jan.31st) ; 170lbs (bmi 27)

gw3 (by feb.31st) ; 160lbs (bmi 25)

gw4 (by mar.31st) ; 150lbs (bmi 24)

gw5 (by apr.31st) ; 140lbs (bmi 22)

gw6 (by may.31st) ; 130lbs (bmi 21)

gw7 (by jun.31st) ; 120lbs (bmi 19)

gw8 (by jul.31st) ; 110lbs (bmi 17)

not sure what i'll do after that since my birthday will have passed but my ugw is probably 50lbs for now .. bmi 8 has my whole heart

i figure after i move out it won't be hard to keep going anyway since i'll be in that struggle era everyone says happens when you first move out and shit so .. hoping that helps lol

i don't plan to tell anyone about my relapse (esp not my lover bc im actively encouraging that mf to recover from its own ed and me spiralling is not gonna help lmao) and that's so selfish of me but im in such a bad headspace that i dont really care anymore lol

CURRENT PLAN (as of nov.24th) AND IF YOU SOMEHOW ARE STILL READING THEN YES I AM OPEN TO SUGGESTIONS .

since i haven't been on my ed grind in months (was hospitalised recently lmao) i wanna start kinda slow and ease my way into the self-destruction so here's my plan (in order with how i plan to get to each listed gw above)

month one . omad with alternating workout schedules where i'm working out at least once a day (like doing just arms and legs one day then core and full body workouts the next then arms and legs again yk) . stop asking friends for rides and start walking more .

month two . get back into trying to keep my cals as close to 0 as possible while still prioritising the nutrients i need and making sure i'm as hydrated as possible at all times . do full body workouts at least once daily

month three . get back to the 2hr workouts 3x a day and monitor intake

continue and adjust as needed until month eight . then just play fuck around and find out and see if i die or not /srs

#ed not sheeren #ed relapse #ed vent #ed behaviour tw #tw restrictive ed #tw ed diet #ed not sherran #ed not ed sheeran #ed disorder #tw vent

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hardcolorfest · 6 months

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✨️ AM I PLURAL? ✨️

Please help me, I have gone back and forth on this for years, at least 10 years which is literally like a third of my life so far!

Please, I am desprate for ANY outside views and opinions, I feel like I need others to read my experience and help me understand why I keep on getting into this cycle of "this is plural/no actually its not."

EDIT: this is LONG and I ran out of energy near the end so the writing gets really sloppy so I added a timeline of events up top. I'm so sorry, this ended up turning into more of a vent towards the end, but if anyone wants to read my life story and give me... uhhh........ feedback? I'm sorry words hard now I'm so tired.

I'm getting tired of the doubting and accepting cycle, the "is this normal and I'm just attributing it to a plural thing" floating around in my head constantly. I'm going to try and keep this short, but I'll need to lay everything out so anyone can get a full picture of what I'm/We're working with.

First of all, sorry this is posted on a random empty blog with a title and description totally unrelated. I was going to use this blog for something else but the crisis in my/our identity keeps getting in the way of doing much of anything solid for the last like year now. That's how bad this has gotten now, I hardly feel like a real person anymore and I don't know what to do. Secondly I'm really sorry if there are typos or anything like that. Sometimes my phone autocorrects something and I won't notice that it's changed it to something really weird, like it sometimes switches "I" to "you" and so on for like literally no reason so idk.

Now on to the meat.

🌲

The timeline so far goes > 2012 discover systems > understand I'm not one even though I'd like to be > follow and watch systems online while reading any resource or information posts > learn about tulpas > "make" first tulpa > seemingly gains sentience and gets angry > leaves > 2016 reset > 2016 does not care about being a system > fuzzy memory bullshit here, none of it has to do with this posts topic > 2019 reset > mostly uninterested in being plural > in 2020, 2019 me decides to try make a tulpa again > goes surprisingly well, much faster than last time (which I barely remember at this time) > he eventually talks without my focused effort > I doubt his existence being real > he gets angry, we argue for weeks > eventually he disappears, vaguely sometimes feel like he's "checking in on me" > the 2021 fuckery (more trauma) > homeless and feeling alone > now have stable housing > vaguely refer to self as plural and make a pk and list out like 6 headmates including yourself as one and the past tulpas > goes well and smoothly for a while, everyone's pretty happy despite acknowledging past trauma and working on that together > 2023 reset happens > make new accounts again and feel upset about all these past events > is happy and having a lot of fun all year > occasionally still feels like the logged pk headmates are vaguely around but can't really talk to them much anymore > sometimes fully switches out anyway but not too long > remembers these resets happened before and makes posts to 2019's freinds > mixed reception and lots of questions, 2023 gets overwhelmed and never answers back > now I feel guilty

✨️ I will now explain in more detail.

So for the last 10 years, probably a little longer by like a year or two but I can't be precise, I've known about plurality, DID, tulpas and other concepts like this. I've also been aware of kins/therians/otherkin/fictionkin and so on and related concepts for much longer, 20 years or so, give or take a year or two again. I've never been very good at role-playing, and I struggled to "play" anyone but myself.

Since learning about systems, I took an interest in them. In the concept of being able to step back and let someone else take control. The idea was extremely appealing. I've been traumatized from a childhood of neglect and abuse, and life was starting to get to the point it was wearing me down to nothing. I wanted to take a break, to "die but not die" as I had put it back then. To "go away" with little financial consiquence and come back when I felt recharged. I wasn't really sure how I felt about sharing my life, but was willing to if it meant I could sometimes take a break. Gladly.

So I did a lot of research, quietly reading and observing people online. Maybe it was a little creepy, like watching a fandom from afar and learning what the show they liked was about secondhand through them. I think after I learned about how DID presents, I decided it wasn't really how I was at all and concluded for sure I was not and never could be a system since I did not talk to voices in my head, loose control of my body, nor have severe trauma (to me at the time, this is definitely not the case) and therefore I was not a system. I still watched from afar though.

I think I learned about tulpas around then. I knew I wasn't ever going to have DID due to my conclusions at the time, so I guess I could emulate a headmate until my brain thought it was real. And I still do think you can do this, don't get me wrong, I am fascinated by the human mind and how we process things and the nature of consciousness from a scientific level. I don't think its too far fetched for our brains to be able to do this, genuinely, even if I choose weird ways to describe it.

Anyway, I did try to make a tulpa a few times, maybe twice honestly, but each of them eventually got angry with me once they got to the point they could talk freely. The anger was about me doubting their existence after they were no longer being consciously forced and could do things without my input. Each time, after a little bit of arguing for weeks, they would disappear and I would be left feeling alone in scilence and upset at the fact that I ultimately caused them to leave me.

I have, in the past, "reset" myself somehow. I don't think I did it intentionally, I'm not even sure if there's a common trigger. It's happened a few times. It's happened in the past but I have no real memory of them except for vague feelings and fuzzy memories that feel like I'm seeing someone else's life. However I do remember more about the last two times than any other times.

The first of these was around 2016 I think, and that version of "me" now feels like a complete seprate being who has their own name, likes and dislikes, interests and hobbies, spiritual and political beliefs, and vision of themselves in terms of looks and self-concept. And then in 2019 that version of "me" got packed away into the back of my mind and suddenly I was someone else.

This 2019 "me" had some leftover interests, and of course had any knowledge nessicary to still life the continuous life that having a body and a presence requires, like knowledge of family and friends, jobs and schedules, and so on. It felt like taking over someone else's life, but none of their stuff is really yours. Their freinds suddenly feel like strangers, or at best acquaintances you could say "hello" to but really couldn't hold a conversation with anymore. Even interests and hobbies that carried over were either dampened feeling or the focus of that interest/hobby changed significantly enough that it wasn't really expressed in the same ways. 2019 "me" enjoyed art and drawing with a lot of the same enthusiasm that 2016 did, but with less of a focus on furry and more of a focus on anime, and in particular diving into the world of en ess eff double-yew, which 2016 was not interested in the least but 2019 was vigorously passionate about lol

The further back in versions of "me" we go, the fuzzier it gets. But the general feeling is the same. You wake up in a room with someone else's clothes, books, toys and collections and you have to fight yourself to not immediately throw them all out. You know that would just make them sad. And they do kind of pop back in, although usually only for a short time, a few hours to maybe a day or two, where you just suddenly feel like the past you is you again and everything from the name association, hobbies and beliefs come crashing back like a tidal wave, washing "current you" out of the picture for the time. And besides, they miss their friends. You think about their freinds from time to time, wanting to talk again, wanting to make the lingering sadness happy again...

Its happened again, 2023. I remember more clearly about 2019, since that was the "me" before me.

During 2019 me's "life" I went through another pretty traumatic event involving others who I trusted at the time, ended up homeless and really effed up. Obviously I made it out okay for the most part, I'm still alive and I'm here. I think 2019 me started dying around that time though.

And as it felt like 2019 me was dying, "others" started to feel like they were there. Past "me's" and the past tulpas and others as well who I never tried to intentionally create or who I remember as being a "reset." They would sometimes take over, like in that I would feel like I would suddenly be them and identified myself with their name, enjoyed their likes and hobbies, the dislikes, the views and opinions. And I wasn't actually "me" anymore, I was fully "them" in my opinion. Like a shape shifter who still feels themselves in the back of the current "you." Not really like a performance, like it was natural and correct.

At this point I want to notice we had stable housing and a stable job. Things were looking up around the time it felt like 2019 me was fading. While homeless "I" was the only one present, struggling to stay alive takes your full effort and attention and leaves very little room for thoughts pondering your potential identity. But after having a safe place to live is when we had that boom of sudden activity.

A lot of not much happens except daily life and occasional switches logged, happily accepting self as plural. Quietly too, I never ended up announcing it to anyone, and for most people we appeared as a single entity that just sometimes got into specific "moods." I was never actually interested in being loudly plural, even when I desired being plural from afar. Even back then I agreed (with myself lol) that if I ever found out I was plural we would keep it to ourselves and enjoy each other's company like an in-joke nobody else would ever be aware of but us.

But we did start to fade a bit, and after maybe just a month into 2023 everyone disappeared.

After the 2023 reset, I was left all alone, with all the knowledge of everything that happened. I felt again like a stranger in someone else's body, in their life. I knew inherently to keep up the charade and not tell anyone. I knew I couldn't just go up to 2019's friends and tell them "I'm sorry but you're a stranger to me now, like my sibling's friend's friends, and I'm really hurt by this because now i feel alone and empty." Nobody takes that the right way.

And I found a new fandom to be interested in so I could just pretend and "be someone else" and not have to address to 2019's friends why I suddenly stopped talking to them. New accounts, new personality. No name. Had several months of happy fun fandom time before the really bad feelings about abandoning my freinds and not explaining what happened at all to them started to set in.

Still, I was happy. I got to exist freely this time, maybe I could openly be plural online! But you know, the whole emptiness and they disappeared thing. It sucked, but I got little whispers here and there. Now that I think about it, I think they never really disappeared but just got super weak.

Whatever, the point here is I want them to come back but we keep having strained communication and difficulty with fuzziness any time any "non-me's" try to take over.

And I felt guilty.

So I messaged some of 2019's friends recently with mixed reception. Some of who just seemed like they were happy to hear anything at all after I disappeared completely for almost a whole year. Some who never really responded, Some of who I'm not even sure if they have seen it. Nobody really angry or anything. I didn't use any words like "plural" or "headmate" or anything. I explained it all as the past me being packed away completely, including the things they cared about, but still feeling that little sadness about it. Nobody brought up plurality either. I'm okay with that, I don't know if it's good to just suggest that out of nowhere to someone. But the lack of any question about that, especially from people who I know actually do know about systems, made me think really hard about if anything I expereinced here was even a plural thing or if it was just a mind trick I did because I was struggling with long lasting traumas. And I understand how ridiculous that sounds. I'm aware. I'm just trying to get it down in words that can be understood, it evokes that feeling of knowing you're right but fearing you're mistaken.

I'm so sorry I'm really tired and I didn't realize how long this post would take to type. I just got out of an exhausting shift at work and am so low on my battery words are starting to feel a bit strange for no reason.

So to cut the rest, the point in making this post is outside validation that I either AM or that I AM NOT making shit up because I wanted to be plural 10 years ago, or that I fucked up my brain by trying to make tulpas, or that I just discovered being a system through making tulpas I guess, or like what.

BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY I am super upset and feel really bad and guilty and responsible for not being attached to anything from 2019's life, including their freinds and I have no idea why I have these "resets" and is that just a normal "living and growing as a person" thing or is that what splitting or whatever feels like or like... is that just me being an asshole?

Am I an asshole?

I feel so empty, no name, no freinds, no real personality except the emulation of an anime character... abandoned everyone I cared about for almost a whole year... its hard and requires a lot of effort to "be" the others, or even talk to them... I'm so tired.

#tulpamancy #pluralgang #plural system #endo #osdid #tulpa #the urge to tag syscourse just so it shows up to people who might be mean to me for using the word tulpa while asking for help would see #every opinion counts even opinions that tell me im fake fakey mcfakerson actually #whatever helps make the sadness and guilt go away honestly

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