#and tired and hopeless and sad and fucking!!!! mentally ill!!!!!!! fuck!!!!!!
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hahahaha i fucking hate my insurance company and i want them to die!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
#i also hate the healthcare system!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and capitalism!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and my entire fucking miserable life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#holy shit i understand now why people request maid for treatable conditions#i would literally rather die than have to continue going through this torture for years just to survive#like whats even the point? whats the fucking point?#clearly none of these people care if i live or die#so why dont i just get out of their hair!!!!!#oh my god im so angry!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#and tired and hopeless and sad and fucking!!!! mentally ill!!!!!!! fuck!!!!!!#i legitimately think they want me to make an attempt#i think thats the only way theyll fucking believe me#i need to be hospitalized or committed or whatever#fuck them!!! like seriously fuck them!!!!#and then if i do theyll be like “welp she shouldve sought help” LIKE#FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU#oh my god i am FURIOUS#BIRTH IS A CURSE AND EXISTENCE IS A FUCKING PRISON AND IM OVER IT#fuck#sorry to put this on main but i am SO FUCKING MAD and i want literally everyone to know it#what do i need to do!!!#please tell me!!!#do you want me to die!!!!#cause ive been trying desperately to avoid that all this time but it seems to be the only option rn!!!!#fuck!!!!#fuck im not in danger im safe nobody needs to worry i just#god#im so goddamn fucking exhausted of this
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I don't want all this pain anymore. I just feel so heavy and it never stops. I want to feel light.
#depression vent#tw depressing thoughts#depressing quotes#grief#sad thoughts#anxious#in pain#heartbreak#ptsd problems#mental abuse#mentally ill#mentally drained#always tired#tired#i'm fucking drained#i want it to stop#i cant take it#hopelessness
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I just feel so lost and hopeless. every time I think I’m moving forward I end up taking 10 steps back. I’m just done.
#actually bipolar#actually bpd#actually mentally ill#borderline personality disorder#actually borderline#i give up#i give the fuck up#lost#i’m tired#I’m tired of living#hopelessness#hopeless#empty fucking abyss#lonely#sad#bipolar 1#bipolar 2#bpd
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Word vomit about my poor mental state below, feel free to ignore 😬👍
I have literally been so stressed lately that my skin picking is out of control and I’m having heart palpitations. Dealing with grief, my dog being sick again, work stress, life stress, stress and sadness about the state of the world, like my body just can’t take it.
There’s so much I could say about my job. I recently went to my supervisor about the fact that my coworker who I share an office with sleeps all day. Which was really scary and hard for me, but it’s damaging my uncle’s company and the stores she is supposed to be paying the bills for are super behind because of it. Like getting three to four vendors a DAY reaching out about past due bills. Anywho my supervisor said she would take care of it but now our hr person is leaving which will dump a lot more work on everyone and I doubt anything is going to change. They’re also training me on payroll with the expectation that I’ll be able to do it by myself when the person that trains me goes out of town in like a month. Meaning that NO ONE that will be there will know how to do it or help me if weird situations come up. So now I’m stressing about that.
I was just given a promotion that came with a $4 raise which is amazing. Like I’m now making $6 more than when I started and I haven’t even been there a year which should really excite me but all I can think about is the fact that I still don’t make enough to live on my own and that the average salary needed to live comfortably alone in California is $80,000 a year which I am nowhere near. I’m almost 28, and I still live at home with no expectations of being able to move out anytime soon. Every Sunday night I want to cry because I can’t believe the weekend is over and I have to go to work again tomorrow and I’m going to have to do this probably for the rest of my life because retirement seems like a pipe dream if we even have a society or liveable world when I get to that age anyways.
I see what is going on in the world both in other countries and with people I care about here and I cry every day because while I do what I can to help it never feels like enough and I have to listen to family members with just the most awful thoughts and opinions. We live in a world where the people in charge don’t give a fuck about anyone or anything so long as they get paid and I’m TIRED.
My future, the future in general, feels hopeless. Utterly and completely hopeless. And yet here I am. I’ll go to bed early tonight to try to calm the panic in my chest and escape into my dreamland, even though going to bed early just makes tomorrow feel like it comes even faster, and I’ll go to work. Just like I do every weekday. I’ll pretend like everything is fine. Like my coworker sleeping all day doesn’t infuriate me to the point of feeling physically ill. I’ll come home and take care of my dog and then instead of cleaning or exercising or doing any of my hobbies or anything else that I want to do, I’ll just scroll my phone because I’m too tired to do anything else. Maybe I’ll eat dinner, maybe I’ll just go to bed because I’m too nauseous to eat. And I’ll repeat. For the rest of my life because this shit is never ending.
Anyways, if any of you read this, I’m sorry it’s so negative and depressing. I’ve really been trying to tell myself the things that I would tell a friend who felt this way but it’s just not working. I’m just in a really awful hopeless place and I’m sorry.
#I’m going to bed now#I love you all#I’m sure tomorrow will be back to our regularly scheduled programming of screaming about pretty men on the internet#I just… I’m tired and needed to get this out somewhere without reaching out and burdening my friends with this directly#goodnight 💚#Rae’s ramblings
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i think it can be hard for people without trauma/mental illness to understand how hopeless life feels for us sometimes. like there's definitely something to be said for trying to heal, but what that's looked like for me is a solemn acceptance of what life is. while it might sound defeatist to outsiders, it's actually a detached contentment, knowing that i have limits and there's only so much the world / society will do to support us
yeah i totally hear you.......i think people take is as self-pitying or defeatist like you said but there really is only so much you can do with limited resources/money and extreme mental instability and no amount of Manifesting a better life and loving yourself can take you away from the realities of that situation, the boundaries it presents...........very sadly........i'm not saying that it's impossible for things to get better, probably they will. drastically for most people. it's just tiring to hear empty platitudes about healing when ur condition feels very.........chronic lmfao........and there is little to no consistent accessible support for it.......i think this is also why people have a hard time understanding grief from an outsiders perspective.........my friend asked me if i really think i'll be sad about it forever..........and it's like, without a doubt in my mind. and not just sad but ummm destroyed? and that's just the way it is. sometimes i think hoping for more feels worse than just accepting that i'm deeply depressed, which sucks because my brain goes through phases of wild escapism that feels like hope, but it never goes anywhere. anyway yeah thank god you said this it was really cathartic to read. be fucking for real: the life philosophy
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I'm tired...I'm so fucking tired...I'm tired of working at a toxic company that only cares about revenue.
I'm tired of making the bare minimum for my position when I do so much. I'm tired of living paycheck to paycheck and still not paying everything...I'm so fucking tired....
I'm tired of being depressed but not having the means to help myself. I'm tired of the constant anxiety that's plagued my life for as long as I can remember. I'm tired of being alone but not wanting anyone near me...I'm tired...
I'm tired of not living and just existing...I'm tired of wanting to change my life but not being able to do anything about it.. Money has always been a problem but why...why do I struggle so fucking hard in a world I don't want to be in...why do I keep working and living and doing things in a world I don't want to be apart of...why...
I'm laying here at 3am with all these thoughts in my head..I have to go to work in 3 hours but I can't sleep...it's so hard to sleep now....I can't sleep some days and I can't wake up others..im hoping for the day I finally don't wake up...my mind is a constant battle of do I want to live today...I'm so fucking tired....
I can put on a mask and be so happy people say I'm never not smiling...while I die inside every second of every fucking day....
I read and watch and daydream to escape reality but it only works for so long before it all comes rushing back...I try to keep these thoughts to myself try not to let anyone see how bad it's gotten...I don't know how much longer I can do this...I'm running out of reasons I have to stay alive...I'm so fucking tired...
it's 3am I have work in 3 hours....I don't know if I'll sleep tonight...I'll be exhausted all day but I'll smile and say I'm fine when all I want to do is give up....
my eyes water as I write this because I know the people I want to say this to will never read it...I don't have the strength to tell them I'm struggling..not anymore not when I've been screaming it my entire life with no one willing to listen...
these thoughts are in my head and they will always be here they'll never leave...the people I love don't want to hear these things they want to believe that nothing is wrong that "I'm fine" as I've always said...they look at me and see nothing wrong but they've never felt as I have they've never had the Void slowly crushing them even as they grin and bear it..they've never had the sadness the hopelessness the anger the absolute emptiness that's consumed me...no one realizes that's anything is wrong until it's too late...
I feel slightly better now that all my thoughts are here but I know it won't last long..I'm so fucking tired.....there's too much to do too much to pay too much to say too much and not enough of me....there's just too much...my mind is chaotic it never stops...too many mental illnesses and not enough time to sort it all out...too many thoughts too much too much.. I don't know what to do now...I'll try to sleep but there's no garuntee...
#depressing shit#tw depressing thoughts#im so tired#ready to give up#long reads#long post#3am thoughts#anxiety#adhd#too many thoughts
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Tove Lo. Okay, Period.
Oh my fucking god I am really going through it. I guess you could say it all started after I confronted Spencer. The delusional that was somehow holding everything together disappeared and I was left with nothing. All the emotions I had been repressing began spilling out of me. The feelings of loneliness and low self-worth have started to consume me. I have been getting so annoyed with Anna and Shi that I have started to isolate myself. I am trying to keep up with all my social connections and in some way, I have stopped trying as hard. I beat myself up constantly to the point where I have mental breakdowns every day. I have been having lots of suicidal episodes that have resulted in self-harm as a way to cope. Something I could have never imagined myself doing. I am tired all the time but when I try to sleep I can't. I am stressed beyond belief and embarrassed about my whole life situation. I actually want to kill myself and I don't know if anyone or anything can actually help me. I already have a plan and am very seriously considering doing it soon. Like the second I get home from college. I feel so alone and hopeless. I feel like there is something wrong with me and everything I surround myself with. I feel like Everyone in my life doesn't support me and no one values me. I feel so scared and unsafe and I don't know how to escape. I just think killing myself is the best option. I want to wait until the end of the year to see how my grades are but when have things even been good for me. Things could be going well but certain parts of my life will haunt me forever. They loom over anything good in my life and I don't know how to escape it. Aknowologing it doesn't make me feel that much better because it won't erase my damage. I have a fuck ton of damage and it keeps on coming. I guess I have a good enough life but I can't take anyone of this extreme suffering. My mental illness still consumes every inch of my life and no matter what I do I can't find a way to escape or get through it. This won't be the end of my suffering even if I work through my bipolar crisis. I'll be an actual adult with the remains of all these problems along with a heap of new ones. The way I see it death isn't a bad thing, it's an escape. Life sucks balls and some people aren't built for it and that's okay. I am not built for living and I think I am okay with that. Maybe when I die people will say that they wish they did all these things but they aren't doing it now and that's what matters. I don't care if apparently they care about me becuase like I've said before everything misses what they once had. Maybe it will be a wake-up call and make them take care of people better. Maybe it will be a wake-up call to my dad and my family to take mental illness seriously. I have been screaming and crying to be seen and heard and my pain won't be acknowledged unless I kill myself. No one will take me seriously unless do it. Maybe for once, I will be seen and thought of. When I die I don't want people to be sad becuase I think it would be pathetic for them. I am just a person so mourning will just be a natural reaction for them, so honestly I don't feel bad about the idea of killing myself. I want my parents to stop wasting money on me and not to spend that much money on my celebration of life, becuase I don't want a funeral. I want to create and I don't want my parents to spend hundreds for the burial process, becuase that's fucking stupid. Why spend money on someone who chooses to die. No one owes me anything I wanted this. Anyway, I am tired of most people in my life and I simply choose not to deal with them right now. Peace out.
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03/04/24. 10:43am
I’m feeling emotional today, crying on the train to get to work. I’ve been battling this depression the past week or so and trying to find hope. I had a conversation abt our dreams with my best friend this morning and I feel a lot rn.,
It’s so hard knowing what I want/need in my life yet the grind of just trying to stay alive is preventing me from being able to work on anything in the way that I want. And then just feeling perpetually behind bc of my neurodivergence and my fun assortment of mental illnesses it’s hard not to sink into deep depression. this depression creeps up from time to time anyway, and I just need to continue to battle it all. It’s so hard, and I know I’m not the only one. Literally everyone is struggling this same struggle. To not have your creativity and love for life beat the fuck out of you is a daily fight. It’s really so hard, but then the alternative is to just be a worker dead inside with no hope, no dreams, no space to imagine a better future.
It’s always so sad hearing abt ppl giving up their dreams for the sake of survival and bc everyone’s just tired. So many ppl are just empty and complacent in their emptiness. Bc imagining a better future is also fighting all these oppressive systems. If you’re too loud abt it u can literally get killed. But if you’re not loud abt it you die internally and succumb to the weight of oppression.
Every time I feel hopeless I just think of every person that has had their dreams, their beautiful life just violently stolen from them. How cruel that is to be born into life with a natural love for life, for that to be stripped of you.
I think about the thought of being hopeless In life being a privilege. Which is also what makes me continue to fight on within myself so I can fight for a better future not just for myself but for humans and all life. I refuse to let this hellish system kill my soul. Even if they kill my body, I have to die with fight in me. I don’t want to be a coward. I have so much fight in me, I made it this far.
I think about every single martyr that we see on our phones daily in Palestine. And all the martyrs throughout this imperial colonial regime that have become nameless. Babies that couldn’t even make it to their first birthday. How evil is that. They barely breathed life and got it all ripped away. All this suffering for the benefit of a few ppl.
And I can’t help but feel guilty that I have the privilege of still being able to chase my dreams. But I can’t let that guilt keep me frozen. I have to keep moving. What does it mean to honor all of these people who’s live were violently stolen? What does it mean for me to live my life with courage and not succumb to cowardice and complacency? These are the things I am grappling with. And that I need to find answers to. We all deserve a life that is filled with violent torture and bloodshed. We all have a right to Live a life with love and care and compassion and joy. I’m so so tired but I can’t let hopelessness and despair overcome my fight and love for life. I need to keep fighting. The sadness is only a part of the fight. There will be victories even in these desperate times. Humans are resilient.
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I feel so numb but also so many different emotions. It feels like a combination of anger, sadness, anxiety, and hopelessness. The only thing I want to do is drag a blade across my skin, see my own blood dripping. I would much rather feel a physical pain than this mental pain. It gets to be too much to handle alone. I know I should reach out to someone but I hate burdening others with how I feel.
I’ve been dealing with these thoughts for almost a decade and still haven’t found anything that works like self harm. In this ride called life a bump in the road rushes my head with thoughts of causing myself pain.
The worst is when people leave, abandonment is something that fucks with my head so much. I’ve spent my whole life being abandoned, and I’m tired of it. I want someone to stick around for once.
I understand my actions can cause people to walk away from me (or run). My mental state is one of my biggest red flags but I’m starting to get a grip on it. Medication has saved me from my frequent mood swings and angry outbursts. I still have days where my emotions take over and I’m a complete mess. Those are becoming less frequent but they hit so hard, it makes me want to sleep for the next 3 years. My mental illness’s are wearing me down, little by little, and I don’t know how to control it. I feel as though I’m withering away, soon to be taken by the wind. Just like the leaves during the fall season.
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so i know this is bad practice but i was watching a pretty womans vlog about what to expect in university and. ok why do i get gravely suicidal whenever i think about the future. like i just go "fuck it im not game for this" especially comparing next to a normie who hit all the developmental milestones when they were supposed to and an actual identity. mental illness is so debilitating. i just hate hearing about it i just get overwhelmed with jealousy and sadness and hopelessness. im not even a good artist for it either and what art i can make i can do hardly because how constantly exhausted with just being alive i am. i hate myself i hate being alive. i feel the best when im delusional and have at least a few layers between me and reality. like when im super obsessed with fictional characters and fantasy and stuff, thats when i feel the best. and when i try and think about my actual life and what i want to do with myself it ruins my day genuinely. i think life just doesnt happen for some people and im one of those people . i just wish i wasnt so tired so i could make things. just that at least. im lucky im a failson because if i was financially alone, if i had to work for this deeply unsatisfying life, i would absolutely kill myself
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When he finally leaves so I can have a severe breakdown that’s been building up.
God I feel awful. I hope he’s ok. I can’t keep helping him we have the same problem man. My parents suck to. My bf doesn’t understand either! IM SCARED TO OPEN UP TO MY BF TO! ITS BECOMING TO MUCH FOR ME TO! I’m sorry. I can’t help you when I have no idea how to help myself. I get mad because my bf talks to other people to. I get so jealous I push myself to. I hurt myself because he doesn’t need me to. I don’t know how to get you to stay. I want you to stay. I want you to keep talking to me because your pain makes me feel less alone. We both wanna kill ourself so bad man. I don’t have a plan like you. I don’t know what’s next. I CANT MAKE BY MYSELD EITHER FUCK IM SORRY EVERY TIME YOU VENT TO ME I JUST TELL YOU “talk to your friends! TALK TO YOUR BF! BUT SHIT I CANT DO THAT! You tell me “I’m gonna fucking do it I can’t take it anymore” but I’d I said that to my bf HE WOULDNT GIVE A SHIT! HES FUCKING DONE! HE FUCK FUCK FUCK IM SORRY I CANT HELP YOU IM IN WORSE! I’m in fucking deeper. You got to your month anniversary with your bf AND IVE BEEN IN MY RELATIONSHIP FOR 3 YEARS! Three fucking years! It’s hard for me to man! Idk how to keep going either! Idk how I’m gonna be a adult! Idk how to tell my friends that I’m suicidal either man I DONT FUCKING KNOW! I have no idea what I’m gonna do in a year! OR A MONTH! OR A DAY FROM NOW! All I do is the same thing you do. I feel like I’m not good at anything to! I feel useless too! I FEEL SO FUCKING UNLOVED TO MAN AND IDK WHAT TO DO ANYMORE EITHER! I’m sorry I can’t help you as much as other people can but god at least you HAVE other people. I hope you take my advice. I hope YOUR bf helps you. I hope your ok. I hope you didn’t SH to bad again. I hope you don’t do it Saturday. I know my bf would be so fucking sad and I can’t deal with that. I can’t deal with the secrets and the lies and the insecurity either man! I CANT DEAL WITH IT ANYMORE THAN YOU CAN! I’m scared to. I’m so so so fucking scared and now I have nobody to talk about it to. I hope someone can help you. I looked out the window of my apartment and all I can think of is getting a gun and just getting it over with. He makes account after account to just hide from me because he dosnt fucking trust me. He keeps so fucking much from me it’s agonizing. I’m tired of crying to man! IM TIRED OF ALL OF IT TO! I DONT FUCKING KNOW WHAT THE FUCK TO DO! GOD I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO! I hate screaming while crying it gives me a headache. I hate limping when I walk after punching myself. I hate the way he didn’t tell me he loved me back for 2 days I hate the way he treated me for a year I hate the way I grew up. I hate myself. I hate being a failure. I hate being as jealous as I am. I HATE THAT HE DOSNT POST ABOUT ME! I hate the fact that he’s talked shit about me to all his family and don’t even wanna tell THAT mf that we’re dating because “I just don’t wanna hear his lecture” WELL WHOS FAULT WAS IT THAT HE SEES ME IN SUCH A FUCKED UP LIGHT! WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU TELL HIM! I hate how I feel! I hate that I remember it all! The good and the bad. I hate when I draw! I hate my voice. I hate my body. I hate being touched. I hate THAT I ASK FOR TO MUCH TO! WE BOTH ASK FOR TO MUCH FROM OUR PARTNERS! I DONT KNOW! I don’t know. It’s been 3 years and idk what to do! I know I ask for to much and I haven’t even asked anything of him yet besides comfort and HES DONE GIVING ME THAT! I feel so hopeless. So fucking alone. So tired all the time. Maybe I should make a plan. With all the mental flashes of shooting myself in the jaw maybe I’ll do that. I have no idea what to do. AHHH I DONT WANNA DIE THO! I DONT WANNA DIE I JUST WANT SOMETHING I CANT HAVE! ILL NEVER HAVE! WHEN HE LEAVES ME AGAIN IM JUST GONNA BE ALONE! Just like I said when we first started dating “I swore I was gonna die alone” shit! I AM! I get tired of everyone so quickly. I’m so needy. I’m either obsessed to the point of neglecting myself or I’m selfish to the point of them leaving. I’m a piece of shit that deserves this fucking life. This god damn hell I put myself in. I miss my mom.
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I’m a little too tired to still give a fuck.
#fuck#depressed#tired#depression#suicide#suicidal#sad#sadness#tumblr#hopeless#help#mental illness#mental health
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Everything is getting harder and harder. A year ago I was an A-level student and I was confident about going to a good university. Now I can't bring myself to study anymore. A year ago I was just a bit unmotivated to do things that I enjoyed to do. Now I do nothing but lie in a bed all day. A year ago I thought I'll never be able to harm myself. Now I have burns on my arms and scars from razors are getting deeper every time. A year ago I had some episodes of sadness and loneliness. Now I'm drowning in darkness all the time.
#depression#depressed#sad#sadness#broken#suicidal#suicide#self harm#lonely#empty#hopeless#pain#fucked up#numb#dead inside#crying#mental illness#tired#school
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i’m sorry, but i fell in love tonight
short fic based off of this gifset by @juliesmolinas and the song is there somewhere by halsey. in fact it is mandatory that you listen to the song/read the lyrics/both before/during reading this. yes i said mandatory.
angst with a sappy ending, julie goes through a lifetime of emotions in less than 3k, was originally gonna write when i was in a more emotionally raw state but writing this made me emotionally raw so... enjoy <3
warnings: swearing
Julie made the promise at some point -- she just doesn’t know exactly when.
It may have been when he appeared at her school, all shy smiles and soft glances, professing that she made him a better writer. Or, more definitively, it could have been when she forlornly pulled him into her arms a moment before she was positive that she was to lose him forever.
All that she knew was her time with Luke was fleeting. So she swore that her butterfly-wing crush was not allowed to fill her chest or dizzy her thoughts; that his lyrics would mean nothing more next to hers than words on a page and his touches would bring her little to no comfort.
Luke Patterson could not complete her.
The universe wouldn’t allow it -- and neither would Julie Molina.
But -- either Luke was blissfully unaware of their impending doom or he genuinely didn’t care -- he forced himself through every barrier she attempted to erect. And it was driving her nearly insane, because she made a promise to protect herself.
Maybe she wasn’t strong enough to do it. Or maybe the universe, despite refusing to give Julie Luke in his entirety, did not want her to be protected.
It was all in the little things-
When she stayed up with him in the garage, playing him all of the songs he’s missed in 25 years, and he danced around on the slippery floor in his socks and grinned at her with wide green eyes. The neon emerald in the dim light was reminiscent of driving on the highway and passing sign after sign leading to the exits she could have taken, but couldn’t bring herself to.
How New Years Eve arrived and the Molina family gathered in the driveway to light sparklers; Luke’s hand brushing hers as he passed off one of the two in his hands.
In his head lulling onto her shoulder while she was trying to finish some homework with his help on the torn couch and his lips moving against her bare skin as he mumbled that she needed to take a break before driving herself insane; followed by her braiding her hair to get it out of her face.
She already had driven herself insane -- but not over her homework.
(His mouth on her shoulder was the answer to a prayer she never dared to murmur aloud.)
Luke never failed to be present when he was needed. If she was sick or stressed or depressed, he knew when to fuse to her side and when to offer some space. Through careful observation rather than conversation, he knew which of her many sweatshirts were reserved for illness or emotional support.
In most of those situations, she needed him, too. Her fingernails would curl into his biceps through a cramp or wave of tears and he would wrap her in his embrace and swarm her with warm words that dried her eyes.
She hated it.
When they wrote music, it felt as though they were already reading each other's minds before either of them had spoken a word about their plans. Their journals contained inky black waterfalls spilled from an intimacy that Julie did not want to dissect.
Again, she hated it. She loved it more than anything and hated that she loved it all -- because it could never be real.
She would always play second fiddle to death.
Julie made the promise to herself to not let Luke complete her because, while she had him for now, the night of the Orpheum was a reminder that the universe would not hesitate to snap it’s fingers and eliminate him from existence.
The universe, being the confusing, stubborn bitch it is, just didn’t get the memo on that promise.
Because Luke filled every crack and restored every gap in her being, and he shouldn’t.
The hopeless, pining romantic in her that constantly argued with her realist side said they were meant to meet. Even if it was brief and heartbreaking and had the power to hurt her in a way she didn’t understand, it had to happen. If it wasn’t supposed to happen, then how and why did he cross space and time only to fall at her feet?
(Soulmates, a taunting voice whispered. Soulmates.)
((The voice was locked in a closet as punishment.))
She didn’t want to entertain the word. It had too much of a forlorn, wistfully romantic sound to it that Julie didn’t need to associate with Luke when she spent most moments with him at this point convincing herself that she wasn’t in love.
Until tonight.
It is past midnight, which is when anyone’s mental state starts to alter. Things that would be labelled as bad ideas in the daylight could very possibly become fair game when shrouded in a darkness that made everything private. The two of them, Luke and Julie, Julie and Luke, are nestled together on the piano bench as her fingers tiredly press each cut of ivory in a working melody.
“I have an idea,” Luke says, gently shifting his left hand to cover hers on the keys. “Why don’t we press pause on this song for a minute?”
Then, she finally looks up at him. Her eyes probably have crescents like the dark side of the moon crossing her skin, and her hair is all over the place, but he’s staring at her in one of the rare ways that she hates.
She hates it because the look convinces her that she completes him.
This time, however, there’s a hope. A hope, and a hesitance, and she’s simultaneously extremely nervous and beyond curious as to what his plans are.
“Did- Didn’t you want to finish this tonight?”
Regret strikes across his face, but he recovers. The softness is back. “Yeah, I just think we need a change of pace.” Right hand on the back of his neck: A telltale sign of a confession of some kind. She’s seen it more times than is healthy. “There was another song I wanted to show you, actually.”
“Oh.” She blinks, he waits. “Yeah, uh, I mean, yeah. Show me. What do you have so far?”
He clears his throat as he thrums through the pages to find his target. “The whole thing.”
Julie doesn’t have time to react -- although she’s already in a panic -- before the leather-bound book is being awkwardly shoved into her hands, and the first thing she sees at the top is Luke’s nearly illegible scribble of Dark Room (song for Julie).
“Luke-”
“Just read it.” His voice is significantly raspier than it was a minute ago. “Please.”
She can’t. If he feels the same way and the confession is undeniably in front of her, then what is she supposed to do?
Would she rather break Luke’s heart now to save them both down the line, or delay the misery a little longer?
It’s not that she doesn’t want it -- she does. But she doesn’t know if she’s emotionally equipped for any of the options that are offered to her. The destination of any path she chooses leads to a world of heartache.
So, she does the only thing she can think in the moment: She reads the song.
Instantly, the lyrics are blurred from the tears in her eyes because she sees the words “love” and “together” and her greatest fears and grandest wishes are coming true. The sonnet proclaims that she’s his light that illuminated his once-dark forever, and that he was hers when they didn’t even know each other, and that he will be hers wherever he ends up next.
He just wanted her to know that he would have waited another lifetime in the blank, limitless limbo he was in for 25 years if he knew she would be there when he was set free.
And, in the moment, Julie allows herself to acknowledge that her promise is broken.
She’s fallen in love.
And, apparently, he has too.
(Maybe they can claim just one night. The universe owes them that much, doesn’t it?)
“Julie?” God, he sounds so worried. A shaking finger trails up her jaw to catch falling tears, and his contact makes her gasp. He pulls away and shoves his hands together to fidget in his lap. “Julie, are you- Fuck, I’m sorry, I just fucked this up, didn’t I? I fucked it all up. Fuck, I-”
When she chances a look up at him for the first time in the couple of minutes that she’s been staring, hopelessly, at the song in her lap -- he’s got his face covered by his hands pressing roughly into his eyes, and he’s turned to face the piano instead of her.
He takes a deep breath, and it sounds…
Stuffy.
Three more tears leak from Julie’s eyes. More build up every minute as her right hand runs along his shoulder, “Luke…”
“No, Julie, please just drop it.”
“Luke.”
“I clearly misread a lot of stuff, and I’m tired, so maybe you can just go to bed and forget-”
Her hand wraps tightly around his upper arm like it’s done so many times when she has been in distress. “Luke.”
There’s a crack in her voice from sheer desperation. She needs him to look at her, so that she can wipe his tears and smile through the sobs and tell him he didn’t misread a single thing. She would wait a lifetime for him to come out of the dark room, she loves him too, and she’s going to forget all about it.
And ask him to do the same.
At least the scratch of his name catches his attention long enough, because he angles back towards her, and swallows thickly before meeting her eyes. Salty teardrops linger against his eyelids and eyelashes; the red rimming illuminating the oceanic green to look like a gemstone. Her grip relaxes.
“Yeah, Julie?”
She attempts a smile. “The song is beautiful, Luke. I love it.”
I love you.
“That’s it? It’s beautiful, and you love it, but you don’t… I’m not in your dreambox, huh?”
He clearly hasn’t dug through it in awhile. He’s everywhere. Discarded guitar picks and notes he’s left in her school journals and plenty, plenty of songs.
It’s funny, because she told him her dreambox was for things that didn’t make her sad. Luke was a double-edged sword -- making her happy every day in a new way, and making her cry into her pillow at night.
How does she explain this? There’s a whirlwind of responses running through her brain and she can barely coherently comprehend any of them.
“No,” she finds herself sighing as she raises her hand to his cheek, followed by her other hand so that he can’t try and turn away. “No, Luke, no… You’re wrong.”
“What do you mean ‘I’m wrong?’”
Her bottom lip starts to shake. “You think I don’t love you back.” Both of them feel their breath catch at her use of the word out loud. It feels like a secret that shouldn’t be repeated. “And you’re wrong.”
“... I’m wrong.”
“Of course you’re wrong! You really think I don’t love you back?”
“Why are you crying if you love me?”
“Because we can’t do this!”
He scoffs, and Julie’s heart is racing in her chest as he pushes himself off of the piano bench and her hands fall from his face.
What has she done?
“That’s bull, Julie.” His fingertips tug at his hair. “You don’t need to make a big dramatic show to convince me it’s wrong just to let me down easy. You aren’t going to talk me out of this.” Dead-on, he stops pacing back and forth, and looks her in the eye. “I love you.”
Listening to him say it, the way his mouth moves and his voice ticks with conviction at each syllable, is what makes her break.
“And I love you too.”
He reels back. He probably wasn’t expecting her voice to raise from their odd, in-between whisper and normal volume.
“But don’t you get it? Luke, we aren't in some magical place where we can meet each other in the middle. A place like that doesn’t exist. You’re dead, and I’m alive, and any future here ends with both of us losing each other.”
“Julie-”
“You said you would wait another lifetime, right?” Using his own lyrics against him. She watches his hands twitch before nodding; the movements of his head barely visible. “Then wait. Another lifetime, another two -- the fucking universe clearly didn’t want us to have this one, so we’re stuck waiting for the next one.”
Even through his clear and fighting need to argue, to talk with her about this, he stiffly nods his head. It’s obvious that she has thought way too much about this from the way she’s barely choking out each word before crumbling into tears before his eyes -- but then again, he’s thought about it too.
Callused hands are running along her neck to tilt her face up out of the blue. She was too busy crying to notice that he had crossed the distance between them to stand right in front of her and assure that she was meeting his eyes.
“Luke-”
“No, Julie, it’s my turn. Please.”
She won’t argue with him. So, with a tender swipe of his thumbs under her eyes, he proceeds.
“Look, I get it. You think I don’t get it? I fucking hate being dead, for so many reasons, Julie. But if I never died, I never would have met you.” Her lips part, and maybe he thinks she’s going to protest because he smoothly lifts a finger in front of her lips that barely makes contact.
(Julie almost presses her lips into it.)
“And you’re right. I wish there was somewhere that we could meet in the middle, but we don’t have that. I wish so many things, Julie. But none of them involve a life where I don’t have you.”
She whimpers, because listening to the man that normally chains his emotions in a cage bare his soul to her at nearly one in the morning is a seriously more out-of-body experience than she expected. She knew, deep down, that she loved him. But she never allowed herself to feel the all-encompassing warmth that she feels now.
“But hey, Julie, look at me,” he coaxes her with a tone that drips with affection. The pads of his fingers are nearly kneading into the back of her neck. “Like you said: The universe didn’t want to give us this lifetime. They couldn’t let us have all the fun, right?” Both of them let out a watery chuckle. “But they still brought me to you, didn’t they? They let me know you in this lifetime, even if we couldn’t have forever. I said I would be yours wherever I am. So even if this,” he gestures to his ghostly form, “isn’t forever, even if we don’t have this lifetime… You know I’ll love you forever, right?”
It was a monologue straight from one of her dreams that left her waking up with a manic smile and tears running down her face.
Unable to form any other response besides an unaware nod, Julie waits for him to continue.
“And maybe, the universe will give us the next lifetime, or a whole new universe, or… Just somewhere where we can get forever.”
Abruptly, his hands slide from her neck and grasp her hands like he needs to hold on firmly enough to believe that she’s still real in front of him. Julie is still speechless and teary, and in the most sentimental gesture, Luke kisses the back of both of her hands.
“We’ll get forever, Julie.” His warm breath puffs against her skin. “I promise you.”
And, well, if he promises forever in the next life -- then why can’t she take what she can get in this one?
--
tags: @bluefirewrites @willexx @unsaid-emily @lydias--stiles @moreflowersthanweeds @pink-flame
#this will also be posted on ao3 lmao#jatp#julie and the phantoms#juke#jukebox#palina#juke fanfic#jatp fanfic
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jan 23
The fire in my heart feels like its fading. I'm just sad. At this point, I'm just sad. Maybe even hopeless. Maybe even defeated. Maybe I dont feel anything at all anymore. There's nothing left here for me. I can't do anything. I'm a living sin. I should fucking die. Like. The world is fucking hell show, nobody takes me seriously or believes a word I say, nobody really cares about me and everyone thinks I'm crazy. The world hates Christ and is full of people I can never connect to. I love Christ yet will spend my entire life in mortal sin. just dont understand why things have to be so painful. The world literally doesnt feel the same way it used to and it never fucking will. Ever again. Once you see the things that are wrong you can't unsee them. Once you feel a wall come up between you and others It dont come down. Its very damaging yknow, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, to live this life, in such total conflict and confusion. To see the sin and hate the sin but also to BE the sin, to be unable to even imagine life without the sin. Satan has overtaken me and I'm sorry Hes right. My parents wont forgive me cos I didnt smoke for 3 months. Theyll forgive me when i show them I'm better than this.
Christ wont allow me into the Kingdom of Heaven until i abandon ALL SIN.... this is the most painful part. But how can I even claim a love for Christ If I deny the biological reality He prepared for me, mutilate my body and attempt to bend Gods will and become something new??? If I deny His creation???Yknow I have hit puberty. I was 10. Now that I think about it, literally every change happened for the sole purpose of getting married to a man and having children. Having children. God wants me to have CHILDREN!!! WHAT THE FUCK!!! God wants me to have children and to render myself infertile would be sinful. Thing is, there is so much pain within me about this. I cant even fathom using my old name or not compressing my chest and ribs to the point that it could possibly be fucking with my breathing. I cant
Even imagine any of the steps of a detransition without feeling vile and sick and panicking and going absolutely fucking apeshit and I know its because this is a sickness and I'm really fucking sick and honestly I'm so tired of being ILL when do i get to be healthy and well??? Like I was really fucking young when this started and I wonder if I'm just a bad fucking person and that's why I keep doing bad things. but I dont want to be a bad person.Maybe if I'd finished the Advil Job things would be better now. maybe God would take mercy on me. But now that I know better than to sin, and I continue to sin,... He proabably wont go soft on me if i try The Job again.Maybe I can repent for like a week, and then I'll be clean enough to finish it off no worries? I know suicide is sinful but if i do everything else right... Or does this count as "jewing my way out of things"?
I mean maybe I should stop looking for the easy way out. "Never abandon the principle of struggle" right ian?? Right??? Never abandon the principle of struggle until its "too hard uwu". Jeez. I really hate you.
But also, why couldnt I have just been BORN male??? I always wanted to be. I feel like I'm pretty masculine in spirit, in mind... idk. I couldve made for such a good man. Why'd it have to be this way? Was it really fucking necessary?? theres a million other women why make me one of them knowing I'll hate it and hate myself and become an abomination trying to escape it?I wish I could ask God why to his face and just have honest conversation but that's not really how this works. Prayer is time with God, but like to speak with Jesus, like, over a coffee or something. I want to fix this. I just barely even undertsand it in the first place so how Can I fix it?
..... no, let's start somewhere new. How can I understand it? how can I accept it? how can I learn to like myself the way I already am? how can I find Christ, all over again? how can I be who I already am?
Fuck it. it hurts a lot and Obviously its going to be very painful, but I'm going to try. at least I'll try.
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Recovery without a support system:
To give more context, I reccomend you read my last one about how therapy is a scam.
This time, I'm talking about recovery and support systems. If you read any psychology article about trauma or mental illness, the "genius" advice they give every time is "get therapy" and "tell your family/friends." If you're someone who has these options, you're probably not looking for these articles.
If you are young or broken-hearted, you probably dream about being saved. You're tired of fighting alone, you crave the understanding and intimacy of another person, you see others who have somebody and feel jealous of them, you grieve the relationships that could've been better; these things are ok. You have the right to feel sad, lonely, envious, angry, and fearful about your future. Although you are alone, a sense of dependancy lives in you; you think to yourself, if I had someone who showed me love, I could feel good enough about myself to recover. Let me tell you something, as someone who's been there, too: you are enough on your own.
This might first come off as ignorant or condescending; if I told this to myself years ago, I would die on this hill that I need someone to save me. It's because I had been lonely for so long, the idea of being saved was so romanticized, I put all my hope in my wishes to take away my pain from being hurt and abandoned again and again. I held on to this wish because I believed someone had to be out there, it felt like the only thing that could possibly vanquish this state, I was told so many times I was not good enough and I needed someone else to prove it wasn't true. I would never believe that I could be strong enough on my own, but I was fucking wrong. When you're in this state, you are convinced that only a savior is powerful enough to enlighten you out of your self hatred, and the weak and hopeless relationship with yourself is not feasibly strong enough to change. This state is a box that seems like it will always be closed, but it won't, and you'll find it open even though you swear it won't.
It's not bad to crave intimacy and understanding, that's human. I wish we lived in a world where people were more accepting, but you know by now how harsh people can be. You know that good relationships (including friendship) are hard to come by, are hard to mantain, and may only last a short time. You know that people don't always care about you, can be toxic, can betray your trust and leave you - and that fucking hurts. Let me tell you, you don't have to prove you are enough to people, this isn't about them - it's about you. This is your life, you're an individual with your own personality, circumstances, experiences, lifestyle, and desires. No one knows you better than you, and all the loving things you've wanted to hear about yourself, you already know in a much more intimate way.
If your family is not there or is a negative presence, if you don't have friends or your friends are not there for you, I'm sorry. If you have been hurt in a way that wants to be healed by someone, if you are misunderstood, if you want to feel safe around others and have someone to talk to, if there is someone you wish loved you, you are validated in wanting compassion and understanding. You deserve the support and security of having people there for you; however, not everyone gets it. That is ok, because you are enough without it - you've come it this far alone. That takes a lot. You are exhausted, and you're probably insisting that you need to rest in the company of someone. You already know what I'm going to say - it's better to be alone than in the company of people who make you feel unloved. I almost lost my life many times to loneliness, but it was not being alone that got me - it was feeling unwanted. Loneliness is a bitch, it's a horrifying and gruelling thing to cut the toxic people out of your life and accept being alone. I promise, it's going to suck for a long time, but it pays off for the rest of your life. You'll be tormented by feeling unlovable and desolate, but with time, these feelings really fade away. You will survive loneliness and find a lifestyle that feels free.
The key to recovery is understanding yourself + learning the psychology of what you've been through/are dealing with, and applying this knowledge in a way that works for you. Gather knowledge and use it to give yourself understanding and compassion. The more time you spend with yourself, away from shame and self hatred, the more you'll understand and come to appreciate yourself.
Of course it takes time to figure out how to apply this knowledge in a way that's relevant to you and adopt this practice, but it's much more effective this way. People are unreliable; it's not guaranteed someone will be there to save you, they will stay and not hurt you further. If you choose self help, you are gaining knowledge you can use forever in so many ways, and practices you can depend on. You are not weak for being lonely, but you deserve yourself. This is here to empower you, not patronize or intimidate you. I've been there, but let me tell you: even though it takes time getting used to being alone, it pays off. You can heal yourself.
#self help#loneliness#lonely#no support system#dealing with problems alone#dealing with depression alone#dealing with anxiety alone#no family#no friends#unsupportive family#long post
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