A BTW and her TBHs

so like. Three years ago I made a new years resolution to write a chapter a week.

A year later I had a 52 chapter novel at 115k words.

(that still hasn't been edited, but that's neither here nor there)

But the real question is.

Where the fuck did that motivation go.

Cause even when I sit down and force myself to write, it doesn't actually work the way it did back then.

I get like, a couple sentences maybe, or maybe I just bang my head against the table while no words come out. It's awful. It's unpleasant. I want to write and I get set up with my notebooks and my Google docs and the words just.

Don't come.

Story plots tread familiar circles and just don't GO anywhere in my head and when I try to just explain them and lay them out, it gets all tangled and doesn't make sense.

It's exhausting. I'd like to hope that once my physical issues are all gone, it'll be better and suddenly my brain will work with me. But I'm familiar enough with burnout to know that's not likely. I wish it was writing burnout, cause that's easy. Just don't write for a while and it's cured. but I know it's work. Work and bills and just fuckin life in general, and holidays are always a mess anyway.

I dunno. I don't even feel like my issues are plot related at this point, cause aside from my ongoing feud against fight scenes I know how I want everything to go. The words just aren't coming out.

Ugh.

Somehow I get the feeling that trying the whole new years resolution thing again isn't likely to magically fix the brain issues.

...gotta hope tho, cause there ain't much left for trying

Autism advocacy YouTubers are cool and all but honestly I find it hard to listen or care about most of them. Like sure, they’re probably very helpful to lots of people in the community, but also NONE of them seem to be able to talk about autistics who aren’t high masking high empathy and low support needs.

They keep going on and on about the social model of disability, that autism isn’t inherently a disability, which is literally SO insulting to medium and high support needs autistics whose lives are severely impacted by autism. Or they’ll talk about how it’s just neurotypicals who don’t understand us when part of AUTISM is not being able to communicate well with ANYONE, other autistics included! We’re not some mythical species, we’re disabled humans with a developmental and communication disability.

Also when it comes to low support needs autistics, they only EVER talk about masking and high empathy and all that. What about the LSN autistics who don’t mask well or can’t mask, what about the hell they go through because no matter how hard they try they can’t fake being neurotypical well enough. What about the low empathy LSN autistics, what about their struggles and how they’re treated as lesser humans for not feeling other people’s emotions. What about the LSN autistics who are still impacted in negative ways by their autism, who don’t see their autism as entirely positive, who see it (correctly) as a disability and not a ‘difference’.

They never talk about any autistics outside of the narrow cutesy and palatable worldview they put online. The world outside of plushies and hyperempathy and memes and beige food and shit like that which while great for some lighthearted content still does nothing for the many, many autistics who aren’t like that. It still does nothing but represent the small percentage of autistics who exactly fit that type of autism in a cutesy, internet-friendly way while leaving the rest of us ‘bad, stereotypical autistics’ to rot.

I want a low empathy low masking autism advocacy YouTuber who maybe knows what it’s like to go through my type of autism. Or a MSN/HSN advocate with a whole different take on autism than what’s being spread online by LSNs. Sadly we’re not cutesy and nice enough for the online world..

Dear Mr Neil Gaiman,

This is less of a question, and more of a thank you letter.

I read Good Omens for the first time when I was 16 year old autistic kid who didn’t understand who she was. Now I’m a slightly larger kid at 19 who still doesn’t understand, but is getting there.

As a young autistic person, everything in the world seems like it’s designed against you. School, work, social life, are all made harder—not because of my autism—but because of the environment that has been tailored to neurotypical people. It doesn’t help that there is so much blatant hatred for autistic people online, and I’ve found even making a comment mentioning I’m autistic almost always receives some sort of backlash.

This ends up feeling isolated and lonely most of the time. A lot of the time, I still feel that way. I spent my otherwise privileged childhood full to the brim with depression, anxiety, confusion, and desperation to understand others.

When I read Good Omens, I saw myself for one of the very few times I’ve ever really seen myself in anything. To me, Crowley and Aziraphale represented a dilemma I was familiar with—just not fitting in where they’re supposed to.

But Good Omens has a happy ending (at least…the book. And the show thus far) and that part made it that much more meaningful to me. To me, Good Omens is about everything from the nature of humanity to the power of creativity and love. But it was also about a bunch of weirdos, none of them nearly fitting the bill for normal, all ending up working together and even becoming friends.

And then I saw what happened when the show premiered.

Other people obviously loved the characters, and have since the book came out, but when the show came out and I was reminded of that—I felt a little less lonely. No one found their oddities anything but charming, or at least dimensional, it seemed. I was also brought into a community which is very accepting and largely neurodivergent in and of itself.

I still reread Good Omens when the real world is too much. Right now, I’m in the trunk of my car, and the world is too much. I’m about to turn on my Good Omens audiobook, but I thought before I did, I’d say thanks. ln a single book you co-wrote, you impacted my life for the better, and continue to during these times.

So thank you.

I'm so glad it helped.

I'm going to rant here because I don't have anywhere else to do it in real life or on other social media

There may be sensitive topics underneath. Please proceed with an open mindset.

I have what I think are unique views on the world, at least in this modern day in Nothern America. Many of my friends and peers think that trans women are women and trans men are men. They are not. Trans women are men who have either deluded themselves into believing they are women or are insecure with their lives, likes/interests or how they feel about certain topics and choose to believe they are women to make it okay. The same for trans men. I also know a few people who are in agreement with this in my life. But here's the thing; instead of directly hating on the trans community, I just don't. I don't do anything unless it gets out of hand or concerns my way of life. Why? Because it's damn common sense. I regularly go to an activity that is planned, scheduled, and led by a trans person. Do I hate on said person for being trans? No. Do I support the person for being trans? Also no. But do I stay away from them just because they're trans? No. I enjoy the activity and the people I can do it with. I don't care that they're trans, nor do I care about the other trans people that they talk to during the activity. What I'm concerned about is that apparently, there are trans people out there who are forcing others to bend to their delusions about themselves, very few even resorting to violence. What I mean to say here is that I will not call you by your "preferred" pronouns. What were you when you were born? Afab? Good enough for me, you're a woman, no matter how much you delude yourself into thinking something else because of your own insecurities. The same goes for men. So please, if you're going to force your views and little ticks onto me to shoulder, I'll force mine onto you. Enough of the one-way thinking, "treat others how you want to be treated." Think of the situation where you were treated the "wrong way" first, then act. Do not force me under your views if you do not wish me to force you under mine. If I do force my views on you first, then feel free to [politely] make me call you xer/xir or whatever incomprehensible nonsense you throw at me.

I used to be in a friend group where every person was queer, trans or in the lgbt community in some way. I left that friend group over a year ago because I didn't like how it operated. It wasn't because they're trans. In fact, I formed these views months after I left. I left because I started to question myself. I started to question if I was a woman, I started to question if I was something I was not. I started questioning everything. When I joined the group, I lied that I was bisexual (even though I know that I am now, I still thought I was straight back then) just so I could have friends. Not only that, but sometimes it made me feel like there was a push to be more like them, more involved than just allyship. I don't know if that was the case, and I don't want people to make accusations, but soon after I left, a new person joined who apparently hates all cisgender, heterosexual and neurotypical people (theirs words, not mine) and said, and I quote, "wants them to die." I'm pretty sure no matter who you are, you should agree that no one should die just because they aren't like you. Getting back on track, I left the friend group after around five months or so of speculating that it was a good choice or not. I know it may seem obvious that it was a good choice to leave, but I was very worried that I wouldn't be able to make lasting friends because I would be giving up a group who was toxic but very enduring of each other. In the end, it was a great choice as now I have way better friends. None of them are perfect, dreamlike friends, but they at least aren't toxic like my old friends.

Around the time I started to slowly separate myself from the friend group, a new person joined, we'll call her string. She got along well with the person who also drew me to the group and was quite close with them. For the sake of the rant, let's say there are four friends, rock, grass, paper, and scissors. Rock is the person who led both me and the new person to the group, grass is an extra (I don't have much to say about them), paper is a friend I was closer with before they became trans, and scissors is the one who wants all "normal" people to die. String, the new person, was also someone I wanted to be close to, but couldn't because she seemed more devoted to the friend group. Months go by, and String starts to get close to me, leaving me considering rejoining the friend group solely for her. But, a bit after that, she had a falling out with the group where she made a lighthearted joke and Scissors got aggressive (verbally), Rock felt attacked, and Grass and Paper were both on the sides of the two. This argument went on for about a month before Scissors decided to cut all contact. After that, String became close to me and many other people. She also said the group was toxic and exclusive, confirming my doubts and allowing me to solidify never even considering talking to the friend group again.

Smaller part here, but it's still important. I don't believe I am a feminist. I don't want to be a stay at home wife and have kids, not at all. I want to work, but I don't want to force other women to work if they would rather stay at home. Of course, given they're under the right circumstances to survive and thrive that way. I want to help and contribute to society. You don't? Fine by me. Hell, even a man can choose to stay home if he is also under the right circumstances. Do what you want with your life. Just don't drag me down with you.

That's pretty much it. If you want to inform me of something, please comment it and be nice, at the very least. It's the internet, this is tumblr, it's the easiest thing in the world to lie here or at least pretend to look nice. It's just easier to comprehend.

Though, if you want to send hate, do so through the ask box in my blog. But don't be a wimp and do it anonymously. If you want to hate somebody, do so with a name attached to the faceless words I receive. I'm fine with receiving hate, I'm always down to talk or answer, but at least do so in a more convenient way for the both of us or in a way that doesn't ruin your pride.

If you agree with my previous opinions stated in previous paragraphs, please reblog. It'll be very comforting to know others think the same as me.

So I've heard before that some people get autism vibes from Jane Eyre. I watched the 2011 movie and I didn't feel like it came across very strongly, but I've just started listening to an audiobook reading of it and the Vibes absolutely do hit in the book and they hit immediately. Like, the first several chapters are all about grownass adults throwing shitfits about Jane not smiling enough or making up what they think she's thinking in their own heads and getting mad about it, calling her a liar for no reason, or generally being pissy about her not behaving exactly how they think a normal, neurotypical child should. Meanwhile Jane doesn't know how to please these people because even when she's perfectly well-behaved they accuse her of being the spawn of Satan and even people who aren't overtly cruel like her aunt's family still side with them and assume Jane must be doing something to deserve the harsh treatment she's subjected to.

I think in the movie the fact that you don't get Jane's first person narration and insight into how she thinks and feels is probably a big factor in why the vibes don't come across as much, but I also think it might just be because none of the people who worked on it were thinking of it. The only Autism Moments that really stand out are when the movie is using original book dialog like the infamous "Do you think me handsome?" exchange. Otherwise it seems like they just thought of it as a typical Cinderella story where there's no deeper meaning behind the suffering the heroine goes through growing up or what it means to her to find someone who gets her and loves her for the personality quirks everyone else treats like unforgivable vices. It's just meant to characterize her as righteous for staying kind and not embittered and being better than the people who think themselves above her so it feels like she earned the reward of being uplifted from poverty and marrying outside her caste.

Storytime: Believing in Santa, or "I bet you were a delight"

Yesterday on a lunch outing with 5 work colleagues, 3 of whom are parents of kids under 10, plus myself and another young-ish woman who are childless but have enough dealings with sprogs... the conversation turns to Christmas and belief in things like Father Christmas/ Santa, the Tooth Fairy and whatnot.

After general sharing of stories including the parents talking about when their kid stopped believing, or had it told to them by an older kid, I shared my story of having a debate in primary school (y5 or y6, so age 9 or 10) about whether Father Christmas was real.

I had read the Hogfather by Terry Pratchett by that age and shared his solution to the conundrum: that many of these beings can be described as an anthropomorphic personification, and the more belief people have in it, the more real it becomes.

I really like this notion: it gives strength to magic, superstition, beliefs and faith alike. This is how religions rise and fall, how supernatural phenomena won't occur around skeptics and how some things are just ingrained into our collective psyche, because somewhere in our subconscious there is a grain of memory or residual belief about it. It waxes and wanes with the power of collective thought and storytelling, and for those that have time for it, it is as real as you make it.

I didn't say any of that following paragraph, just said the first bit about using it in a primary school debate and it being from Terry Pratchett and the Hogfather; to which the other young woman retorted, "Oh, I bet you were a delight".

I don't know whether I'm meant to be offended. At the time I laughed, and the conversation moved on.

But honestly, I worry that it was meant in a mean way and that kind of upsets me. I have always treasured being able to circumvent the breaking of the illusion and the loss of innocence. I love the fact that reading, an activity always pleasing to grownups, had given me that gift of knowledge and terminology for something I wanted to understand.

Sir Pratchett's influence on the nerdy, the neurodivergent and the not-very-cool is profound and far reaching even after his death. Of course, he was a bestselling author and millions of people have read his works, so I assume neurotypical people have also read his books!

I don't know if I should be sad that this person who called me sarcastically, "a delight", just never got the memo about the wholesome quirky cool that is Pratchett's worldview.

Maybe I am taking offence where none was intended - I guess having a 9 year old use big words could be annoying to adults, but I think it's a good thing. I really wish I could read half as voraciously as I did when I was a child. I miss getting lost in fantasy worlds of literature and by gosh I miss Terry Pratchett. It's it just nostalgia? Maybe. But also if I lose this shit, I probably lose even more of my identity and continue down the slope of depression and anxiety that began around that age. I keep getting told I look so young (I'm 31) and I know that ADHDers do grow up slower than their neurotypical peers. It takes longer for our brains to develop. The ADHD / Autistic brain doesn't "prune" neural pathways and the overlap can contribute to positive and negative elements of cognitive differences. E.g. improved pattern recognition vs sensory overload. I would cite the studies I have looked at, but I can't be bothered digging through my browsing history.

This is one of those times where I overthink the interaction and realise I'm possibly at fault for being "too much", or reflect on a childhood memory and have it reframed as another example of me being neurodivergent and not fitting in. But at that point in time, age 9 or 10, the other kids on my debate team seemed fine with me sharing my point and explaining it, as a means to an end in completing the class debate. I thought I was welcomed.

It's only with this comment, I find myself wondering how much of my past conduct was actually too much or too weird or too different for other people.

Ironically, this lunch came after we had an hour long presentation from the EDI (Equality, Diversity and Inclusion) team at work... where they specifically outlined how feeling "othered" can negatively affect behaviour.

Cool. Cool Cool Cool.

Sometimes I feel like I'm taken for granted in my community. I'm a long-standing member, but I also seem to be the only person who is neurotypical and has a stable IRL life. It meant I took on the role of being the support for everyone and working by myself to establish a sense of community for everyone else who arrived. But because I'm there so long, most of them never gave me that feeling in return. I feel like an outsider in the group I've been deeply involved in for years.

Now before people start saying the obvious things, I have communicated. I made that my priority at the time. I have reached out, talked to people, sent asks, made Discord servers, all the usual stuff. Despite people claiming they liked me/my characters, I have constantly been pushed aside and forgotten about (but people would gladly talk about their hyper-fixations of other dynamics TO me while leaving our stuff growing conwebs), before ultimately dropping me cold turkey with no explanation why. This exact thing happened to me from several different people, and the dropping part happened with all of them in the span of... about a month. Not only was my self-worth utterly destroyed, but I've been in a state of emotional exhaustion ever since from realising that I've been the sole pillar of a community for YEARS and no one cares.

I get it. I'm sure role-playing and being neurodiveegent is very difficult and makes communication hard. But... have you asked people you said were your friends/wanted to be friends with how they are lately, and wanted to know their answer? Because none of them ever asked me. And honestly, if people can't ask that simple question, why should I be surprised that people are coming back and completely overlooking my characters all over again?

Please. TALK to each other. Actually reach out. I have no one I trust enough to vent to anymore because everyone made it clear to me that they either don't actually care about me as a person, or they've got so much crap to deal with that all my rp stress would seem so petty in comparison, which also makes me feel like I have to keep acting like I'm okay with being the last resort for so many people.

So much for being the person that everyone claimed they looked up to and were inspired by. Liars.

A rant on ableism

Does anyone else have the problem of "You have everything!" when you use a medical term to describe a state of being or behavior. Like yes, I have heterochromia. But its not a diagnosis, or a disease, or anything of the sort. It just means that I have multiple different colors in my eyes. that's it. just like you likely have monochromia. Which is also not a diagnosis or disease. Or like how I have sensory issues. Which means I'm not gonna touch the dishes that are covered in grease and crumbs from fried chicken. Which I have no idea why its a surprise in the first place seeing how I specifically skipped dinner today because I wanted to avoid that. So when I ask literally everybody in the house if they'd rinse the dishes off and then not one offers, its "well that's your job". no its not. Its literally a rule that you rinse off your own dishes because were not small children and can clean up after ourselves. And even if it was, my sensory issues aren't just gonna pack their bags. All I'm asking is for them to be rinsed off. I will do the rest no problem. I prefer to do it because nobody else can seem to get the job done. As far as I can tell, the neurotypicals in my house (everyone else) are more dysfunctional than I am. And the only reason I seem dysfunctional is because I can't function in the dysfunctional environment they made. So when I tell you about my disability after nicely asking for accommodations, and you tell me that I have all the problems there are to have, what you are really saying is that there's no way I have these problems and I'm making it up. and the only reason one would believe that in the first place is if you consider these things to be very basic and easy to do, and that anyone who can't do it is either a liar, or so incompetent that they are not human. For some reason, I'm not allowed to have disabilities unless I'm completely stupid. I'm not stupid. I'm not a liar. I'm not dramatic. I'm not an alien or an animal. I am autistic. And its really stupid and dramatic of others to have a bigger problem with me have a disability near them, than it is for me to have the disability to begin with. Other people seem to experience so much suffering when ever I ask for accommodations that I need because yes, if I ignore my sensory issues id prolly just be inconvenienced right? wrong. I wont be inconvenienced. I'd be overwhelmed. And even if I suppressed my emotions until I could isolate, one way or another I'd scream-cry my eyes out because it is so consuming that it physically hurts me. I don't stop suffering when I mask, they just don't see it anymore. Just because I don't need leg braces and I can smile and talk like everyone else doesn't mean I'm not disabled. I'm fine with my disability, I really am. It's inconvenient but I play my cards right and make the most out of it. (spoiler alert: I can make a lot of really cool stuff out of it) But what I'm not fine with is playing dress up. I'm not the doll that people project onto. I don't do what you say because you do what you say. You make your own decisions and I make mine. And I make the decision to love and respect myself enough to not put me through a lot of unnecessary stress because "you have everything". And I can see where people are coming from with this. Yeah, I have sensory issues, echolalia, dyslexia, and executive dysfunction, but none of those are on any of my papers as a diagnosis because they are not separate disorders. They are the symptoms of one disorder. Which I am diagnosed and with and had even before the diagnosis. I've always had it and I've always been this way and I always will. There isn't a thing in the world to fix me because I'm not broken. Mental illness and disorders are a buy one get 17 free. I have ADHD and ASD, which greatly increases my chances of being trans. Those three things increase my chances of having anxiety. Those things increases my chances of getting depression.

The trauma I've experienced among my inability to cope makes it really really likely that id get PTSD and a personality disorder. so yeah, its a long list but it wont change its validity. Mental illnesses are not rare. Disabilities are not rare. Trans and intersex people are not rare. they are all around us and we have met so many of them with out even realizing and we might be them with out even knowing. Not everyone is so caught up in their own privilege. I acknowledge my privilege a lot (but still not as much as I probably should). And I try my best to boost the voices of those I have privilege over in an attempt to make change. I'm not the most pathetic person in the world. I have it fairly well. Even if I've had one of the roughest lives I've even heard of (including in realistic media), I have it pretty darn well. and If I don't, oh well idc I'm still gonna be happy when the occasion gives way. There is no amount of disability and disorder that can ruin me. But it does effect me a lot. and I take care of myself because I deserve to be taken care of. When I am on my own, I will not make food that cause sensory issues. And this dysfunction magically isn't a problem anymore because I have given myself the attention I deserve. If there is any instance where I need assistance, I will ask. And I fully intend on surrounding myself with people who are kind and willing and are at least half way decent enough to be able to recognize that disabled people look just like everyone else sometimes, and regardless of the disability or how it may affect our appearances, we are people. And those people would have no problem helping me with things and I would have no problem helping them. I get infantilized and that is why I can't help myself, not because I'm helpless. I'm not allowed to help myself. So until I get recognized as the disabled person that I am, I will forever remain the animal with every disease and disorder know to man kind. Let me do things in a way that works for me, in the only way that I can, or do it yourself. There are an extreme amount of cases where it would be necessary for me to do things in a way dictated by another person. that is incredibly sparse. If you want me to do something, act like it. Why ask me to do something if I can't do it in the only way I know how? If it needs to be done in your way, then you do it. It makes me think of getting a jigsaw puzzle solver to paint a masterpiece. Yeah they make pictures, but they do it with jigsaws, not paint. So why would you ask a puzzle solver to paint rather than a painter?

Just like the puzzle solver can make pictures like the painter can, I can do a lot of the same things people without my conditions do. But It's done in a different way. It takes time and energy and a lot more than everyone. Yeah we all have problems and get tired but I'm tired because I do my hygiene in the wrong order so I think really hard about it and take an hour and you're tired because you've been working all day. I promise it a lot harder for me. Not that abled people don't have valid problems. But they don't have disabled problems. They don't have room in the conversation of validity with disabled folks because they do not have the experience and they will not be affected when we get more and more marginalized. We speak for ourselves because we face the consequences for their mistakes and they wouldn't even notice something went wrong. It does make sense for them to hear us and get to know about different kinds of people, because we should be able to peacefully co-exist and that requires understanding. It will be inconvenient to co-exist with some disabled people, but it is for anyone. It's just inconvenient in different ways. And you wont notice the benefits because you take it for granted. But I promise that I have just as much worth as the next person.

Asking me to not be disabled is so fucking stupid. And I can't believe that I have to say that to begin with.

So the kdrama podcast that I used to like so much that I used to subscribe to their Patreon did an episode on Chicken Nugget today.

If you're not into kdramas and/or you didn't watch it, it's a fun little show about a woman being turned into a piece of chicken (not really a nugget but that was the English translation) by an alien machine, and the ensuing adventures of her father and her father's employee who has a crush on her as they try to get her back into a human body.

I was surprised that these particular podcasters were going to cover it, because they generally don't tend to like anything that's much beyond the boundaries of mainstream and acceptably normal. But they seemed to be excited about it and to be willing to actually give it a try, so I decided to listen to the episode.

Yeah, two of them only watched one episode and the third was the only one to finish it, and they were pretty mean about it. Despite asking people who liked it to not be mean to them.

Just personal rambling under the cut.

Then they talked about humor that they do like, and apparently one of them thinks the trope of the show's main couple doing a contrived fall and their lips meeting when they land is supposed to be funny? I've always thought of it as an awkward trope that's a product of trying to show physical attraction and contact in a very conservative culture.

Then they mentioned three shows as examples of humor they like, and I was like oh wow we are completely different and I'm not sure how I listened to you guys for so long without realizing this.

They mentioned Hospital Playlist and Reply 1988, which are by the same creative team. We haven't watched Reply 1988 but we did watch Reply 1997 and the first season of Hospital Playlist, and we were like oh, okay, these people make neurotypical shows for neurotypical people, we don't need to check their shows out anymore. To me and the spousal person, they were extremely boring shows about large groups of neurotypical extroverts socializing with each other, and we didn't get it or enjoy it.

They also mentioned the "banter" between the main couple in Wedding Impossible, which....yeah. We finished it last night and IIRC the spousal person said he'd put it in the "meh" category. Not in the worst shows we've watched but on the lower end. The posts in the tag cover how the gay character was treated pretty well, and the main couple themselves were nonsensical and weird to us. Like why suddenly decide to separate for a year when you were ready to die for each other after one date? None of the dialogue stood out to us, and all I can remember right now is the main dude, who at the time thought the main girl was engaged to his brother for real and not as a beard, telling her that he was going to seduce her? So funny, so smart. /sarcasm

Anyway, yeah, I was correct to unsubscribe from their Patreon and I should probably unsubscribe from the show too. I'll give them a few more episodes though. Plus if nothing else they do provide an interesting view of the thoughts of middle class neurotypical white women about kdramas.

Also an interesting view of where the stereotypical idea of marriage in posts on here comes from, from people whose parents are like the podcasters. Their husbands don't watch the dramas with them or talk to them about the shows much, and two of them shared stories about their husbands being injured and they laughed about it and how upset their husbands got because they didn't seem to care much about their injuries and how they were frustrated because the injury interrupted their drama-watching?

I sent one episode to the spousal person to listen to once a while back and his first reaction was "Do they actually like their husbands?"

Hmm. So on one hand it's interesting social information gathering about types of people that I am not around often IRL but who I encounter a lot online, and on the other hand I can feel myself becoming a hate-listener and I do not like that at all.

one thing I really struggle with as an autistic person when it comes to socializing is most people (particularly neurotypicals and many allistics) know a lot of stuff about a lot of different things. they always have something to talk about with each other and can curate their conversations to each other because their knowledge on a vast variety of subjects allows them to. whether it's celebrities, politics, media, fashion, gossip, or whatever, they always have many things they can talk about or can join in any conversation easily. most of them only want to talk about surface level things, which I believe is what we consider "small talk." they usually dont deep-dive into one particular subject. they bounce around and change often. they're basically satisfactorily skilled in many, but masters of none.

this is particularly seen among neurotypicals and even many allistics (from my experience, for example, I've met many adhd people who know many things and can't settle on only one/few interests). rarely, it happens in autistic people, but it does occasionally (I've met at least 1 or 2). generally, autistic people struggle with this. we are known for our intense focus and limited interests. we often don't possess "common knowledge" everyone else seems to know, because we are only focused on the one or few things that interest us. everything we know centers on our special interests. therefore, if we can't talk about them in a conversation, we literally lack the databank to participate in most conversations.

some of us may try really hard participate, but that's when they get mad at us for talking about the things we know about and love, accusing us of changing the subject, making it all about us, and not shutting up about That One Thing. however, if we just listen to them talk, they also get mad at us for not speaking/participating! it's very difficult and we can't win. they don't understand why we struggle and are confused why we don't Just Know Things they do, things "everyone know!"

participating and joining in conversation as an autistic person isn't always necessarily about "poor speaking/communication skills" (if you are a verbal autistic, or if you're able to do text conversation), sometimes it's simply the subject matter of said conversation we struggle with. that's one reason why you'll often hear that "autistic people communicate with autistic people just fine." if you find one that shares your special interests, you'll never run out of things to talk about! it's also common for autistic people to allow and even enjoy letting other autistics ramble about special interests, even if they themsleves don't know anything about it.

many autistic people (who are verbal or can participate in text conversations) really want to socialize and join conversations! many try their best to join. unfortunately, usually talking about special interests/things they know about and relating the conversation to those things is the only way we can say anything and not simply be a quiet listener (and then get told we're "too weird and quiet")

do I think this is our fault? not at all. there's nothing wrong with enjoying things you enjoy and talking about them! it's just unfortunate that most people refuse to converse with us if they don't know or care about the things we do. (which is ironic that they get so upset at us for not participating in conversations about things we don't know or care about with them lmao) or they refuse to see that it's our way of trying our best to show we have interest in them and want befriend or converse with them. we are always expected to know the things THEY like and know about and be able to talk about them, but we are not allowed to expect the same things from them.

this is why I found that I can't be or stay friends with people I dont share interests with, and why I lose friends as soon as one of us loses interest in the shared interest. there's nothing else to talk about. I dont know how to come up with other things to talk about. I don't know anything else.

i'm not sure how to get around this. it's something i've always struggled with and probably ways will. it can impede more than just friendships as well. as someone who has tried twitch streaming for years now, this is always gets in the way of becoming a better streamer. most streamers i've watched and enjoyed are ones that always have something to talk about. they never stop talking. they know many things and have many stories. when I stream, i'm mostly quiet, talk about the only 2 things I know about and reoeat myself over and over, or narrate the game i'm playing or drawing i'm working on. people will say a thing in chat and i'll have to respond "oh I don't know what that is. tell me what it is" so they tell me and that's where it ends because I can't speak on it. this causes everyone who joins my stream to leave within 10 minutes or less out of boredom most likely. my average viewers every stream is between 0 and 0.5. not even friends stick around to watch me because they get bored.

i'm told it's a "skill" you can work on and learn....but let's be honest, "learning" about conversation topics and things you don't care about just to appease and entertain others sounds boring and torturous to me. i've tried this tactic for many years and it leaves me feeling disconnected, bored, and lonely. if anyone decides they enjoy me and/or my content in the little niche corner I exist in, then that's great and i'll give them a piece of my heart lmao. if not, i'd rather exist in this comfy corner with things I enjoy alone and not waste energy on things I don't care about even if it could bring more people and socializing to me. because in the end, that existence is lonlier than actually being alone.

I feel that Emmet would never chose to do evil, except in situations where its explicitly not evil!

Examples of what I mean: Education. Gotta reenact a completely fictional train robbery, then someone needs to be the robber. Or education on what happens if you are unsafe on the trains. Which I imagine are a series of badly acted videos in which both showcase why not to do various unsafe things.

(That said I also feel half of it would derail into an excuse for the Dead horse trope of tying someone to the railroad tracks. How often do you get an excuse for that?! Also the twins probably switch between who is the 'villain' of each educational segment. )

Yeah, that's the thing - what you’re talking about is normal, and cartoony, and funny. The post I reblogged was specifically about people doing ableist things with him due to him being the more obviously autistic coded of the two of them. The tl;dr is that since 2010 people have taken this character with neurodivergent traits and decided this meant he was unhinged in a way that actually really hurts autistic people who see themselves in him.

Does mental illness sometimes make people violent or lose control? Of course, although it's important to note they're more likely to be victims of violence than the perpetrators. Should we inherently be villainizing mental illness because of this? ABSOLUTELY NOT. There are people who almost fetishize this, and it does nothing to erase the stigma of mental illness, especially for people who do lose control. I work in a public library, and a lot of my patrons are experiencing homelessness. Of those patrons, a lot of them are dealing with mental illness (and not just situational depression) - some have big scaries, like schizophrenia or bipolar, and a lot of homeless folks actually have personality disorders (one study put that rate at 92% of respondents). None of these people are inherently scary or unhinged or bad - they're just dealing with a lack of access to treatment. And none of them have ever made me feel threatened on the reference desk! In fact, they respond verrrry positively when you treat them like regular people, because guess what? They ARE regular people! They're just dehumanized so frequently that they're traumatized.

Furthermore, autism isn't a mental illness (although being autistic often leads to mental illness due to how we're treated by society), but we are disabled by society's standards. Some people don't like to call autism a disability, but the social model of disability more or less does mean we're disabled. We're also highly stigmatized, and that's what the "evil" portrayals are perpetuating. To neurotypicals, we're too blunt and direct, too straightforward, too honest. They think we're being rude, but to us, their more passive, indirect communication style often seems rude and manipulative. They see our awkwardness and our unfamiliarity with social rules and our difficulties with speaking their language and they demonize it. We're ostracized, and people speak of us as if we're a plague and we need to be eliminated. They pity our parents and call us our parents' worst nightmare (instead of, you know, having a stillborn, or having a kid develop cancer, or something actually horrible like that). Instead of the supports we need to thrive, we're given stigma and trauma.

So to see a character with traits like ours, thriving and happy, means the world to us. We don't get that very often. Portrayals of us in the media are often made to be objects of pity or something to laugh at. But seeing Ingo and Emmet, who are not explicitly stated to be autistic but have a lot of autistic traits (making them autistic-coded), being happy and leading fulfilling lives...that is incredibly important for autistic people to see. Our traits are not demonized or mocked here. These characters are allowed to just 'be,' and that is so incredibly important for us.

So to go into the tags and see all of this "villain" stuff, or portrayals where the more obviously autistic-coded twin is "deranged" or "unhinged," plays into the stereotypes people have about us and it really, really hurts, which is why I haven't been in the tags in months - I can't watch myself being dehumanized anymore. I've spent my whole life trying to find my place in a world that hates me. I was so happy to find characters who were just like me who were happy and successful and allowed to be themselves, and the fandom post-PLA ripped that extremely healing space from me and other autistic people.

Sorry for going on a long ramble again, but this has actively negatively impacted my mental health - knowing that’s how so many people still see me and people like me despite the progress we’ve made in the decade plus that I’ve been part of the autistic rights movement really cuts deep and makes me worry that fundamentally on some level I actually am a bad person.

None of the books I read, none of the articles I found talked about the intersections of loneliness and queerness (more specifically transness, and even more specifically genderlessness), or the intersections of loneliness and chronic illnesses (like fatigue and pain).

When they do talk something about queerness, it’s as if it was endemic to the status of being out as queer: of course you’ll feel lonely and alienated from the majority, so the very simple solution is to find other queer people.

Queer people are all different though. Even if the idea is to have an united front, the reality is that it’s very much not like that. If you don’t follow the culture and the customs, you fall behind and end up ostracized too. If you don’t fit (as ironic as that sounds), you have no space or voice. In an ideal world, everything would work out wonderfully, but what ends up happening is that when you get a bunch of marginalized people together they will bond over similar experiences and if you don’t have similar experiences, you won’t bond at all, among other things.

Disabled spaces tend to be welcoming but it’s depressing that loneliness and isolation seem to be part of the “norm” - and it’s no wonder, really. Living with a chronic condition (be it mental or physical) can be very isolating.

When you mix and match these, and any other strings of marginalization, it ends up being too big of a burden. It’s understandable that AvPD has so much room and fuel to grow. How do you connect when you queerness feel alien even amidst queer people? How do you connect when you are out of social spaces due to chronic fatigue or something else?

Oh, of course, the problem is that I’m just adding more and more sand and burying myself “before even trying something”, huh?

I got where I am as a result of trying though. Trying a lot.

If you try long enough without any success, it gets more tiring and painful quicker. It’s just not worth it.

I have very little energy, both emotional and physical. I don’t want to waste it “trying” anymore things.

Where do I find literature or treatments that can help me with that?

Like AvPD, all these conditions are incurable. Even when I manage them, I’ll never have the same amount of energy a person normally would do. Trying to treat AvPD as if I was a neurotypical ablebodied person is not going to work.

In the same way, trying to shove my own personal queerness into some boxes so I can find a space amidst others isn’t going to work either. I have no intention of making myself more palatable or easier to understand for the comfort of others. That’s their problem, not mine.

If all that makes me “treatment-resistant” and “too strict” and stubborn, so be it.

I’m better on my own.

I’m done changing parts of myself to try to please others. Look where I got. Look how well that have worked out for me.

Fuck, I am so, so done with chasing after people. I’ve talked about this before... the more I feel confident in myself, the less inferior and wrong I see myself, the more I embrace and love all my peculiarities and weird habits that make me who I am, the more I see how these unique traits and mannerisms make me special and amazing in my own particular way.

I know for a fact that if I don’t hype myself up no one will. And hyping myself up is a great way to see my self-worth and accept me where I stand. I’m trying to change what serves no purpose, and trying to enhance the things I already enjoy.

It will get even better.

On the topic of Thought Crimes, Plurality, and Purity

[TLDR/summary at bottom]

I am a system of two people, divided into five alters, and uncountably many personalities. I consider myself plural, but am not sure if I would medically qualify as having DID— nor do I really care for a formal diagnosis.

I was raised in Christian and Christianity-influenced circles which placed a strong value on being morally upstanding and, in other words, "pure". The definition for how to be "pure", of course, varied by group, and sometimes was impossible to meet (possibly by design).

For example, one group (radical feminists, though they only identified as feminist) defined purity by gender, or proximity to those gender's conventional roles— femininity and female identity was "pure", while masculinity and male identity was "sinful", and something that could never be washed away. Internalizing this culture caused us a lot of long term psychological damage that we are still working on repairing today.

As a result, I find a lot of "proship" rhetoric, which dismantles this kind of purity culture, reassuring— the idea that metrics of "purity" which are not based on actual, real people's comfort and safety are essentially meaningless.

But one thing that I was never able to be comfortable with was the assurance that "thought crimes are not real/cannot be bad". I understood and appreciated the sentiment, but it never really felt right to me. After a recent altercation between my alters, I was finally able to pin down why— the idea that "thought crimes" are morally acceptable relies on the assumption that thoughts alone are not able to affect any other person. And, in my case, as a system, this assumption is false, because my thoughts can be heard by another, real, independent person.

So, functionally, "thought crimes aren't wrong because they can't affect anyone" is about the same as saying "things you say out loud in your own house can't hurt anyone, because no one can ever visit people at their own homes". It would be true if the assumptions were, but there is a small disconnect because it fails to account for a particular variety of the human experience.

I don't mean to nitpick— this is just my autistic need for precision speaking. And, specifically, I think a lot of people who identify as "antiship" are upset about this lack of precision, too. It seems like a conversation in which one side says "this is okay, because it cannot hurt anyone" and the other replies resentfully, "you have failed to account for the ways in which it could hurt someone".

So, for those who feel similar to myself, and need a way to distance themselves from purity culture without feeling like you are accidentally condoning things that genuinely hurt people, I propose the following ideal instead:

"A person's existence, emotional responses, identities, experiences, inclinations, desires, fears, distastes and dislikes, bodily functions (or lack thereof), neurotype, attractions, repulsions— in general, anything that they cannot remove or control, only mask or express differently— none of these things can ever be a source of moral error, because they cannot inherently, directly, cause harm to another person."

To be precise about my revised opinion on thought crimes— it is possible, if a bit of a special case, to hurt someone with your thoughts. Just as it is possible to hurt an external party by voicing an opinion aloud (typically after they have expressed a boundary about not wanting to hear it), it is possible to hurt an internal party with thoughts alone. In my opinion, thoughts are something that is often very difficult to control (one of my alters often struggles with intrusive thoughts, even)— so it would feel somewhat cruel to me to make an alter repent or feel guilty for their thoughts, but it may be healing or comforting to at least ask them to acknowledge that it may be uncomfortable or hurtful to others.

TLDR: The concept of "thought crimes" can be easily complicated by facets of the human experience, such as plurality or trauma. I personally think the best way to conceptualize the moral charge of it would be somewhat like stepping on a friend's foot— simply walking is not something you should constantly have to monitor and feel ashamed of, but perhaps if an instance arises where someone genuinely is hurt by your thoughts, it would be courteous to consider acknowledging that pain, even if it isn't somewhere that anyone else can see. Furthermore, the more precise definition of "thought crimes aren't real" could be something more like "actions which do not impact others cannot possibly cause harm to others, and it can be healthy to take joy in your existence and self expression whenever and wherever it does not harm others", perhaps along with the corollary "if your self expression (including thoughts) does harm someone, a compromise will need to be reached, with the same neutral moral charge of agreeing on what music to play in a living room." In true privacy —something that is very difficult to achieve with plurality, unfortunately— no form of self expression could possibly hurt anyone besides yourself, and therefore any and all self expression which does not create lasting effects (destruction of others' property, for instance) or break established boundaries or agreements (cheating on a partner, for instance) is simply an exertion of your own right to autonomy and agency, and therefore cannot be morally wrong."

Not really an ask but its Homeward Bound related: I’m so okay with spoilers and I’m so obsessed with the new Spider gang :,,,) Harry Osborn you are so dear to me. What’s he up to in the sequel while Harley is getting beaten down violently by life?

HARRY!!!!!! oh my god okay i already rambled so much about hb harry in this ask that i answered but i will GLADLY ramble more about my son. my boy. center of my universe.

so, in order to address harry in the sequel, we kinda have to recap where he’s at in the first fic.

so, slight spoiler: the last three chapters dont have like a whole lot of harry or gwen. like they’re in it, but like i’ve said before, homeward bound is PETER’S story post no way home and focuses solely on him, which is why the whole fic is told from his pov. peter’s story post no way home obviously is heavily influenced by him meeting harry and gwen, but for this final stretch of the fic, it’s mostly about peter and harley and the climax of the investigation and then the last chapter is kind of leading into the next era of the series. so these last three chapters definitely have harry and gwen in them, but only in small portions, as it’s focusing more on wrapping up the first fic and transitioning into the second fic, which is peter and harley’s story post homeward bound.

hopefully that makes sense? it adds up in my head but idk if i’m explaining it very well lmao.

but! anyway! hb harry in the sequel:

so, in the first fic, a lot of stuff has been hinted at for harry. a lot of unexplained stuff has been brought up, you know? such as his inherent desperation for friends, his anxieties, just how hard it hit him when peter told him about being an orphan twice over. i mean, yeah, harry has revealed a lot, too, mostly in very rambly texts to peter trying to explain himself and why he values their friendship (both between just him and peter as well as their friend group as a whole) where he does explain that he’s never had friends before and such. and again, in the post i linked above, i do ramble quite a bit about harry, including some important bits that i'm gonna bring up here:

i haven’t really gone in depth with his background prior to the start of the fic - all that’s really been established is that he was raised by his single mom, emily, in the suburbs of new york, and up until esu, he never had any friends, which contributes to why he values his friendships with peter, gwen, and harley so much. and, obviously, he doesn’t know who his dad is and doesn’t really care to find out. his background is going to be explored more down the line in the series...but what i’ll say here is that his childhood was pretty confusing to him. he was happy with his mom, yeah, and he may not have been raised rich but he was never poor, either - he never worried about food or clothes that fit or losing their house. he grew up comfortable. but also he grew up unsure about a lot of things. he was never able to make friends because he didn’t really understand how. the kids at school never seemed to struggle with talking to each other and making up games on the spot and becoming friends in a matter of minutes, but his brain just never worked like that. he could never figure out what to say, he could never really get into the games the other kids wanted to play, and while he liked running around a playground sometimes, he always preferred a book or a worksheet. he’s not neurotypical, is basically what i’m trying to say. then again, literally none of these characters are, but harry was never like a “normal” kid...so basically, harry struggled to understand a lot of things, like how to make friends, like why he didn’t know who his dad was (his mom has always told him that it doesn’t matter, which is kind of why harry now doesn’t care because he’s always been told it doesn’t matter so why would be care about something that doesn’t matter, right?), and various other things in the world and the people around him.

so, all of that ^ is going to come into play the further into the series that we get. but it doesn't get properly explored until the third fic, which is going to introduce harry's pov (as well as some other characters). in the second fic, though, it's building off what we already know while continuing to hint more at other things.

here's some things to consider:

harley now knows about spider-man, meaning that peter and harley are now going to have another layer to their bond that neither of them are going to have with harry or gwen. harry has already been shown to have anxiety about his friends leaving him behind and, while harley and peter's dynamic is going to change to more than a friendship which is going to bring some comfort to harry due to him being able to rationalize that of course they're closer, they're literally into each other romantically, that anxiety isn't going to go away.

as harley becomes more and more involved in the spidey side of peter's life, he's going to become more and more protective of peter ("my mama says i have the heart of a protector" - harley, chapter 2 of homeward bound) and while he's going to logically know that harry and gwen are their friends and they mean the best and would never hurt peter, that protectiveness is going to lead to occasionally bumping heads (and also some tension between him and peter because peter doesn't need to be protected and is going to struggle with letting someone step up for him like that after losing everyone else who ever did, whilst harley is going to struggle with fighting the intensity of his protectiveness as this is his first time wanting to protect someone that he has such intense feelings for, etc etc.) so harry's anxieties are going to be kind of worsened at times because of harley occasionally letting his protectiveness get the better of him.

harry isn't stupid. he doesn't want to assume his friends are lying to him (part of why it took him so long to get to the point where he gets genuinely upset with peter in hb about all the lying and hiding) but when everything points to him being left in the dark about something, he's going to draw the proper conclusion. harley knows about spidey. gwen doesn't know about spidey, but she knows about peter's investigation and is going to continue to bring it up to peter even in the sequel. harry doesn't know anything other than the fact that peter's lost all of his family and has a lot of scars that he doesn't know the origins of.

what that ^ means is that we're going to be getting some very curious and suspicious harry content. and also:

i have the entire scene for when harry finds out about spidey planned. and i am very excited to write it. (hint: the scene is originally told in harley's point of view, and then it comes back in a flashback in harry's point of view later in the series)

i'll stop there but just know that, while there is definitely plenty of harry content in the second fic, the THIRD fic is where it's really going to go in depth with him as a character!!

YIPPEE!!!! YOURE SO REAL AND SO VALID I LOVE TALKING HCS WITH PEOPLE AND HEARING THEIR PERSPECTIVES!!

Bring it back to Floyd because I love yo project on him SO MUCH, I like to think that even though he likes clothes and fashion now way more than he did when he first got on land (sensory overload anyone?), he still has certain fabrics/materials he avoids like the plague. Jade and Azul avoid said fabrics as well so he can run up and tackle them at any time without worry of touching the Gross Fabric. Tablecloths and cushions in the lounge were made with this in mind as well.

So sorry Scarabia lovers but I haven't studied Kalim or Jamil under a microscope long enough yet to come to any detailed conclusions, but neither of them are neurotypical that's for sure!!

Also skipping Pomefiore bc they scare me (/j I just don't pay much attention to them personally sjheiddjbdjffb)

I mean Idia is the obvious one, right? He's the most universally agreed on, he literally goes nonverbal regularly and has aids he made with his engineering/programming special interest to accommodate that, like it's just. It's RIGHT THERE ya know? He almost leaves nothing to discuss XDD Him and Riddle are clashing autistics and it's a shame, you hate to see 2 pretty people fight but especially when they're on the same team 😔

And then there's Diasomnia. HOOO BOY is there Diasomnia. Lilia and his gaggle of autistic kids. Starting with Malleus, he also almost leaves nothing to the imagination when it comes to how he is, like?? Idk it's so Right There!!! His special interest is gargoyles obviously, he also has heavy preference/safe foods, he never seems to be on the same page as his peers, leaving Jim to feel isolated and Different, not only does he not fluctuate his tone so people can't tell when he's joking, he can't hear tone to tell when other people are joking so it's just miscommunication after miscommunication. He enjoys learning now things but prefers the company of his most trusted people, that or either quite isolation in a dim/dark area to decompress!! He's the type of guy who doesn't realize he's been overstimulated for like 6 hours until he gets to his room and lays down and it hits him all at once and he's like OH! Oh THAT'S why I felt like shit and wanted to smite everything and everyone. Okay, cool.

Idk if this will make sense to anyone else but like, Silver is Disney princess coded, right? And Disney princesses are autistic coded in small ways, right? Yeah. Yeah that's really the only way I can explain it SKSBAIKSDHHD but like!! I know I'm right okay!!!! As a very very sleepy autistic person I just KNOW, I see him and I know. Also animals love him which like, understanding animals better than you understand if someone is trying to deceive/take advantage of you? Idk dude, that's pretty autistic /silly

Sebek is tough because I havent fixated on him at ALL and have like none of his cards, but the BIG STRONG INTENSE EMOTIONS and lack of volume control and how he's apparently actually very emotional/sensitive, and how he likes to stick to his routine and his people and anything that interferes will be YELLED AT ACCORDINGLY!!!! Idk, I don't really know this man (yet) so I also can't fully explain my vision here XD

Also, everything is platonic unless specified otherwise btw!! Yuri Jeizu is so canon, but to me the octotrio is like, SO queer platonic coded so I almost always just default to that akshsksndhf

It's nearly 4 in the morning and I'm going INSANE, like there's 8+ rambles I could send you about queer/identity headcanons and ships!!! I haven't even STARTED on the side characters yet, I have so much fuel in this hyperfixation fire!!! Also if you literally ever want me to stop for whatever reason let me know and I will, no hard feelings akdvejskfh, I know answering a lot of asks can be A Lot

PLEAS ENEVER STOP unless you run out of things to talk on !!!!!!!!!! this is so in-depth I'm reading and nodding like yes yes I get this I GET YOU... Also literally same with Scarabia LOLLL I skipped most of the story... sorry Scarabia stans... I literally only paid attention when the octatrio was around.. skull emoji!!

And actually answering tons of asks ain't that hard for me right now, I'm full of writing energy because I've been working on an AU between twst and another franchise I'm #insane about >_< (I've been trying so keep it at a not insane level of detail because I know I'll focus too hard on certain characters but I also desperately need feedback on it... NOT THAT I'M ASKING RIGHT NOE THOUH I'm just complaining aha) (unless.... unless..........)

Floyd finding an interest in fashion (especially shoes) is something I forget often for some reason, I think it's because I also hc that Floyd hate hate HATESS the feeling of clothes (just fuckin' all kinds of clothes, he especially hates having multiple layers of all different kinds of clothing items on at once) against his skin, so that's why his uniform is never on properly...

I can't talk a ton about lots of other dorms bc I'm so not deeply invested in at least half the entire cast HSAHHAJKFDJ but you are so incredibly real and right I'm shaking /pos

If it's 4am bestie boo you should probably sleep and save the ranting for tmr!!!! or don't, and just keep slaying here LMAOO I'm in a discord server SPECIFICALLY for twst hcs and I'm THIS close to c+psting a bunch of this into there (or just sharing the post I DONT KNOW) cuz it's SO GOOD!!!!!!!!!!