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#and im gonna. im speaking that into existence. its gonna happen i just need time
dangopango00 · 4 months
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ABYSS RAZOR CRUSH HCS BC IF I DONT GET SOME CONTENT I WILL DIE
Abyss Razor x gn reader
Prompt: yall r madly in love he has a crush on youuu (boyfail situationship hcs more like tbh)
A/N: sorry if this is rambly i cant live like this i keep rereading the same 4 or 5 posts over and over again ive been waiting for like a year and im getting teased with the tip PLEASEEE WRITE HIM 😭😭🤞 i cant ever escape the ‘nobodys fave but mine’ curse help
Ily losermen
Ily high ponytail men
Ily abyss razor
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more utc
- Im gonna jump he is so kewt. Idek what to say im just ill
- You’d probably often compliment his eyes and you have this image that hes so calm and collected— which he is! But! Not with you! So every conversation with you is him just fighting for his life trying to look cool and not implode at the same time
- ^^^ THIS is one thing. But what really gets him falling for you is when you get a bit closer and have a talk with him, telling him in no uncertain terms that he’ll always have someone to return to if others are cruel because you won’t be leaving him
- Gives you things VERY often, usually little things because hed die if he had to directly give you a gift and then have to explain why, so he shows his affection in little ways like letting you have his best pencils and pens if you need it (lets you keep it too)
- oh he absolutely loses it if he sees you continue to use his pen hes so touched that you’re taking good care of what he gives you it shows that it means a lot to you and that he means a lot to you
- The only actual gift he gives you during this stage are things he has an excuse for like origami (idk why but i feel like he makes cool ass origami) he can just say he made too many so hes giving them away yet you and maybe Abel are the only ones who received some…
- He wants so badly to be useful to you he gets so flustered and happy just hearing you say thanks when he answers your question about the assignment or when he lends you his materials
- Immediately stiffens when you make any sort of contact. Dont stop though, he can count the times hes been hugged on one hand
- Speaking of his touch starvation, he’d let you play with his hair and looks forward to it tbh he’d just rather not initiate anything it’s too much for his heart
- If you have him take down his hair and play with it (like braid it or try different hairstyles) he’d feel so content; ofc he’s nervous but at the same time he just feels so at peace as if it’s only you two in the world and all the people who have ever wronged him never existed in the first place
- He’s a little bit delulu, i fear
- He gets so nervous texting and calling you bc what if you tell him ily. No that could never happen. Wait but what if it did— do you see his dilemma?
- He’s a chronic overthinker and in a way its a bit sweet because he used to worry about you randomly saying you didn’t want to be friends with him but now he wouldn’t even consider that possibility; it just no longer enters his mind
- He’d also find himself drifting off, losing himself in thought and end up daydreaming about if you two were in a relationship
- It’s very innocent, it’s just you two being cute and going places together while holding hands and such until it drifts even further to imagining you two kissing
- His face is on fire and he has to stop thinking NOW but hes in too deep hes imagining kissing ice cream off the side of your mouth and other cliches like that it’s so over
- Abel wondering wth is wrong with his right hand; all he said was that he was going to make mother happy by doing his homework today meanwhile Abyss can no longer be normal
- The kissing is just his guilty pleasure but Abyss constantly imagines holding hands with you like if you walk too close to him his hands will get clammy and his fingertips will get cold because he wants to hold your hand but is scared to initiate it
- God forbid you actually hold his hand even for a second while he’s having his entire internal monologue. He will die. You killed him. How could you?
- He won’t let go though like. Ever . Handholding is his favorite thing 5ever and as soon as he gets a taste he’s hooked
- He likes handholding so much that if you held his hand enough times then one time he’d accidentally grab your hand and initiate for once (immediately gets flustered after but it counts)
- Really really REALLY likes when u trace over his magic lines. Ruins his life everytime and he just melts in your touch; subconsciously leans in and his face softens and EVERYTHING
- Ok i wasn’t gonna say it bc itd probably involve sm sneaking but: Sleepovers. IM JUST SAYING 🤞🤞🤞 I feel like this is where most of the softer moments happen tbh like your roommate being out and you two have a sleepover
- I think this is where the playing with his hair and tracing the lines on his face would happen if not this then when you’re bored in class
- Not a fan of PDA even if ur not dating so he does play with your hair but usually during the sleepovers if you’ll allow him (not quite trying new hairstyles like you do but letting it fall through his fingers, running his hands through it or just rubbing the ends with his fingers to feel how soft it is)
- If you are bald he would slightly hold the back of your head and rub your temples with his thumb to help you relax
- Idk ik i just went on about how hes a loser but I feel like when it comes to affection relating to hair or like anything not affectionate in a cliche sense he doesn’t really pay attention and does it without thinking; only realizes its too affectionate if you point it out (please do not, he feels very comfortable right now. He will stop and never do it again if you point it out)
- You have a lot of deep talks and give him encouraging words during sleepovers tbh it just gives you both time to just… enjoy each other uninterrupted
- Sometimes instinctually distances himself from you because you make his heart do somersaults and his head feels like it’ll explode around you though he doesn’t last long, he needs you with him everyday atp 😭
- Although the above is true, sometimes he gets clingy ish (just by your side all the time) and protective over you even knowing you aren’t his
A/N: a ridonkulous amount of these r based on things ive done erm. Ok. Ig next thing i should write is him with an equally loser gf i def fit the bill LOL
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correctproseka · 7 days
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An essay on autistic Mafuyu
Coming from a very autistic person.
Mafuyu has a bunch of autism symptoms, but a lot of them can also be explained by other reasons, such as her upbring and trauma, but not all of them, so I'm going to start speaking about the explainable by other things traits and move up to "boy you're tism". (Notw that the trauma explanation can also have a pre-disposition to happen due to tism)
In the biggest "can be explained by her trauma" category, we actually have the biggest reason people headcanon her as autistic. Her Alexithymia. Which is just a fancy word for "can't recognize her own feelings". No i did not have to copy paste that name to not write it wrong. Yes, many autistic people are bad at recognizing their own feelings, me included. But we also have to note that Mafuyu absolutely hid away those feelings for a mask and because they were needs not being met, a "good girl" like her doesnt get sad or angry right? Thats what made her push down those feelings so much she just ended up.. numb. Its extremely common in depression as well as autism which made me personally not realize i was depressed until someone made me put it into words, it was similar to my normal.
Theres also her.. exquisite vocabulary, Mafuyu uses lots of fancy terms sometimes, which is very stereotypical white boy autism. But also, she was pushed books down her throat by her mom since she was a child, she was expected to be this "fancy" and "smart-sounding". So she is.
Observant. Mafuyu doesn't talk a lot, she observes. She can recognize things on others sometimes, but mostly about the environment, which can be an autism noticing a bird singing 5 blocks away or a trauma "i need to notice this or i get fucked" reaction.
Mafuyu as mentioned, tends to listen more than speak, I am personally not this kind of autism, but it exists, Mafuyu is quiet, listening and only speaking when she feels her input is needed. This can be simply a mixture of autism and trauma. She doesn't feel the need to speak, so she doesn't, why would she waste her energy like that? Smh.. but also her good girl mask is supposed to be a good listener, not much of a yapper.
Now we are starting to move onto the things she does that are less explained by trauma and more explained by tism. Which is my favorite part to analyze.
Parallel play: Mafuyu seeks comfort with being with niigo and working alongside them, she doesn't even need to be talking, as seen by the kitty event where she kept just listening to them on earphones, she just wants to be near her people and gets calmed down by being with them.
Bluntness. As an autistic person i am extremely blunt in wrong situations, and can easily not recognize its the wrong situation. Per example Mafuyu's "why dont you imagine you're gonna get killed if you dont do it in half an hour" or all the times she points something out to Ena and gets a scream back because it was the wrong time? Mafuyu says what she thinks and when out of the mask she really. Really. Lacks a filter, because she doesn't know when or what she's supposed to speak or not
She.. kind of needs people to say the obvious? Sometimes she doesnt realize whats going on, why she's reacting in a way, so and so. One of the reasons Mizuki had to tell her it's ok to run away. Mafuyu never considered it. It wasn't obvious for her like it would be for a lot of people, she's kind of very oblivious in emotional matters like that, and needs someone (coughs usually Mizuki) to explain something to her
There's probably more but im doing this in like 15 minutes.
Plus, all in all, she makes autistic people like me really relate to her, even if they can be mostly explained by trauma doesnt mean she doesn't show those signs or that they're only because of that, even the mask she uses is a known neurodivergent thing.
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TSC CHAPTER ELEVEN SPOILERS AHEAD
STARTING OFF THE CHAPTER STRONG AS FUCK DISASTER BISEXUAL JEAN MOREAU AWARENESS
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picturing jean in a pair of raybans is good for my mental health
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“Missed a couple spots. Need a hand?”
jeremy u flirt
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do the trojans ever realise that jean is NOT IN FACT deaf and standing right in front of them when they are talking about him?
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oh ok so chapter 11 is in fact worse than chapter 10
if anyone reading this has ever believed that they deserved the abuse, trauma/suffering they’ve experienced, i’m here to tell u right now that nobody deserves that and it is not ever ur fault, no matter what others might say or try to convince u. whatever happened to u is unequivocally not ok. please seek help from a professional if u are worried about urself or others in ur life.
if u have ever felt uncomfortable or violated in certain situations just know that no matter how ‘big’ or ‘small’ the situation may seem (i use these terms loosely because i do not believing in ranking peoples traumas), ur feelings are 100% valid and u always always deserve to be respected and heard.
i hope u know that u are not alone and never will be.
sending lots of love to all of u
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wtff jenkins is a girl?? did we all know this or have i just read too many fanfics always thought jenkins was a guy?
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It was sacrilegious even in the privacy of his head, and Jean hunched his shoulders against a blow that never came.
fuck that’s a good line. traumatic as fuck and makes me wanna cry for all these boys have gone through but god as an ex-catholic raised queer person i can tell u this line struck hard even though i cant relate to the specifics of the scene
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Jean didn’t mind cooking, but he didn’t say that. This was the first time his room truly felt safe and right, and he was content to hold onto it for as long as he could. He closed his eyes again, but now his thoughts were snagged on Jeremy. At length he broke the silence to say, “Two beds would fit in here.”
jean moreau u are so loved
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“You are not them,” Jean said. “Kevin would not have sent me here if you were.”
THE PARALLELS IN THIS BOOK ARE FUCKING KILLING ME PLS NORA LET ME LIVE IN PEACE THIS IS TOO MUCH FOR ME TO HANDLE
ANDREIL EXISTS IN EVERYTHING
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Just because he had to meet with this man didn’t mean he had to speak to him.
jean, u diss aaron earlier in the books but really ur just the same as him
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betsy dobson to the mother fuckibg rescue someone get this bitch a ‘worlds best therapist’ mug
and jean, dude do u know how fucking similar u and neil are, seriously like u guys should be besties like-
“It was not my choice,” he sent back in warning. “I do not need counseling.” He didn’t trust her at all, but there was no point spelling it out.
CHAPTER TWELVEE
dude wtf is it with me and napping while tryna finish this book, literally just accidentally fell asleep for 2.5 hrs when i could’ve been reading
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“Imagine getting changed so we can practice,” Jean said.
king is fed uppp
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“It’s not about size, anyway.” ​“Defensive,” Jean said, tugging his glove straps with his teeth. ​Jeremy straightened in indignation. “I don’t have anything to be defensive about.” Jean lost his grip and bit his lip, and Jeremy hurried on before either of them could think too much about that double entendre.
OKKKK JEREMY I SEE U
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“That’s not—I do care. I want you to play with us, and I want you to have fun again. I want to see what you can do on the court and what you bring to our defense line. I want us to finally win this year after coming so close and failing too many times. But it’s just a game, Jean. Your safety and happiness will always be more important than our season.”
GOOD GOD ITS WHAT U DESERVE JEAN
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“Every time you say that you take a year off my life. I’d really like to live to ninety, so please knock it off.”
now the trojans understand how the foxes feel when neil whips out his ‘im fine’ line,, also i’m never gonna stop saying that neil and jean should be besties it’s literally just a fact
“I do not believe you when you are drinking such filth,” Jean said, with a disapproving look toward her drink. Laila stared him down as she sucked a long gulp through the straw,
this book is so devastatingly depressing and explores some of the most horrible traumatic things that could happen to a person but it’s interspersed with some of the funniest scenes that it gives me whiplash
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“Pat and Ananya have wanted to fuck Cody’s brains out for almost a year now. I really thought Cody moving in with them this summer was going to finally get that ball moving, but apparently not. It’s getting kind of pitiful.” ​“Pat and Ananya have been engaged almost as long as Cody has known them,” Laila pointed out as she fit herself against Cat’s side. “You can’t blame Cody for being scared of where they might belong in something like that.”
NORA GIVING US THE POLYAMORY WE DESERVE AFTER CUTTING KANDREIL FROM THE OG BOOKS LETS GO QUEER REP
YK THAT RUNNING JOKE THAT USC IS THE QUEEREST TEAM AND NOBODY HAS AS MANY GAYS AS THEY DO??? IM SO FUCKIBG HAPPY NORA HAS BASICALLY MADE THAT CANNON
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CHAPTER 13333
jeremy is so hopelessly crushing on jean and that’s real of him
meanwhile jean:
Threat assessment, he told himself, and it was almost the truth.
sureee buddy
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They’d arrived holding hands and dressed in matching cream-and-teal outfits. Even their gold-rimmed sunglasses and teal sneakers were identical.
well that is definitely an outfit!
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“Speaking of happy endings, has Laila bought you a sex toy yet?”
EXCUSE ME
this whole scene was so fucking random but jean deserves great friendships
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ANOTHER TRANS TROJAN LETS FYCKING GOOOOOO CONGRATS ON UR TOP SURGERY XAVIER
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‘i’m sure the ravens wouldn’t have taken neil in if they’d known he was the son of a mob boss!!’
uhhhhh…
i don’t know how to tell u this buddy
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dude i just cannot stop think about the whole new world of fanfics we’re gonna get now that tsc has come out like the aftg universe is expanding and becoming more detailed it’s gonna be crazy
chapter 14!!!
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Jean eyed him. “For what purpose?” ​Jeremy looked to the ceiling for patience. “For fun.” ​Jean sighed as if Jeremy was the one being unreasonable.
oh jean we’ll get there eventually
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Jean was a starving dog on a short chain who’d learned years ago not to bite back.
OH MY FUCKING GOD GIVE ME PEACE
MY CHEST IS ACHING AT THIS METAPHOR
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SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP THE PARALLELS ARE DESTROYING ME I CANT FUCKING TAKE IT ANYMORE
“You are Jean Moreau. Your place is here with me, with us. I’m your captain. You’re my partner. We’re supposed to be doing this together, aren’t we? Stop leaving me behind. Look at me.”
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“I’m sorry. I’m sorry that he hurt you, I’m sorry that you’re still afraid to talk about it, and I’m sorry that you think I’ll never understand. I’m sorry that he tricked you into thinking you deserved it. But I’m not sorry he’s gone. I can’t be.”
“Neither am I.”
TEAR MY HEART OUT AND STOMP ON IT NORA JESUS CHRIST
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everytime one of the trojans says ‘we’re here to listen whenever your ready to talk and open up to us’ and then they go and demand he tell them every secret he’s ever kept
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kevin and jeans relationship in this book is so fucking well written, it’s tearing me apart and giving me so much life
they have so much shared trauma and the relationship is so complex but they understand eachother so deeply
He is not used to having a voice, and he has never had power. I cannot promise he will ever talk to you.” ​“I will wait as long as it takes,”
“Be careful with it,” Kevin said. “Be careful with him.”
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“Night practices with Andrew and Neil,” Kevin said. ​“Obsessed,” Jeremy
exy fiend kevin day representation
also
“No, Jean is fine. As fine as he can be, anyway. Yes, I know.” (kevin when talking to someone ‘offscreen’) i just know he was talking to neil
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She crossed the room and leaned over, catching Jean’s head in her hands so she could plant a kiss to the top of his head.
this is the love jean deserves
chapter 15:
“Your fourth line has a smart mouth, Coach,” Jean said. “I was hoping he would bite his tongue off in the fall and save us both some grief in the long run.”
jean i love u
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Jean wished he had the common sense to shut up,
he’s so me
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“And keep Kevin’s name out of your ignorant mouth,”
THEYRE SO IMPORTANT TO ME UR HONOUR
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i keep forgetting that jean only learnt english after he moved into evermore and that kevin probably taught him but i love the subtle little reminders every now and then when he has to clarify a word, like when he has to ask what a ‘floozy’ is and:
due to egregious injuries.” ​Jean didn’t recognize that word, but since Lucas was already running his mouth, he didn’t get a chance to ask.
it’s such a good detail that just adds so much more depth to his character
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“Permission to break his face, Coach?” Jean asked. ​“Denied,” White said.
SCREAMING
THIS IS SO NEIL AND WYMACK CODED I LOVE IT
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JEAN MOREAU ON A MOTHERFUCKING MOTORCYCLE HOLY SHIT
catalina alvarez u wonderful human i love u
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jean realising how big the world is and the fact that he’s explored more of california than any other place he’s been before is making me tear up he never should’ve been kept trapped inside he deserves to see the world
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So long as she existed as fractured memories, she was safe and small and sheltered.
oh god don’t do this to me
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Jean gazed out at the endless horizon, feeling small and infinite from one moment to the next.
beautiful, just beautiful, absolutely immaculate
A cool evening breeze. Rainbows. Open roads.
A COOL EVENING BREEZE. RAINBOWS. OPEN ROADS
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SECOND LAST CHAPTER!!! LETS GOOO
“He is not going to hit you. Okay? We don’t do that here. You said you’d try to do better and that’s enough for us.”
starting off strong
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You’re one of my kids now.
don’t mind me i’m just sobbing
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no no no no no no no no no
holy shit no what the fucking fuck
don’t do this to jean rn oh my fucking god i’m sick to my stomach on the verge of fully crying right now
actually dreading reading on right now
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um ok yeah so i read it and to anyone who hasn’t finished the book yet beware there is a graphic violent scene followed by an intense panic attack in chapter 16 that’s is very difficult to read
i did cry and all i can say is thank fuck for lisinski’s timing
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Jeremy’s response was low but unhesitating: “I will not look away.” ​“I do not want you to look.” ​It frightened him how much it sounded like a lie,
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only redeeming part of this chapter is that neil’s back but i’m still in so much shock over what’s just happened that i cant properly appreciate him
chapter 17 the finale:
feeling incredibly somber as i reach the end of the book
please god destroy anyone who has ever hurt jean moreau
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nora’s really filling in all the plot holes left from aftg - why did nobody question why neil’s hair was dyed after evermore ????? why did nobody question neil being at evernote in the first place???
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i’m laughing at neil’s map print-outs he’s so uncool, also i keep forgetting this is still meant to be 2007
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jean-yves moreau oh my fucking god
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“says who?” Stuart asked. “The dead kid?
stuart hatford u are so funny, is this where neil inherited is sarcasm from?
stuart hatford says fuck riko and so do i
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Neil shrugged. “Do you have anyone who can take on local work?”
NEIL JOSTEN U ARE MY HERO I LOVE U U BADASS MOTHER FUCKER
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Neil offered her a disarming smile that would never sit quite right on his face.
devouring these scraps about my boy
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YOOOO WTF NORA RLLY JUST WANTED TO GIVE JEAN THE WORST FUCKING DAY HE COULD POSSIBLY HAVE HUH?? JUST DROPPED THE FACT THAT HIS SISTER IS DEAD MY POOR BOY
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Neil filled in the finer details with an ease that would have been impressive to listen to any other day
- yes neil is incredibly smart, thank u jean for confirming to us
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The only thing left to ask for was something he barely understood: “I want to go home.”
oh the complicated nature of home and one’s sense of belonging that persists throughout these books will never fail to make me feel absolutely everything. nora knows exactly what i want in a book
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“I can see the kitchen. There should be a door out to where the dumpsters are. We can make it back to the garage from there.”
to be loved by neil josten is to be offered a way to evade the fbi together
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“Tedious,” Neil said. “I’m trying to eat.”
my hero
Neil waited until he was done before deciding he wanted to finish his drink. Neither agent was impressed with their absolute lack of urgency,
i love u neil josten pls give me ur autograph
Neil, being the person he was, pointed at the fire hydrant adjacent to its front bumper and said, “That’s illegal, just so you know.” ​“Shut up and get in the car.”
i wish neil josten was real
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He couldn’t fear a government who was so easily infiltrated and manipulated
FUCK THE GOVERNMENT
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Neil flipped his takeout box open and started eating. “I’m allowed to visit people.”
he’s everything to me 🥰
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“You’re one to accuse others of intolerable attitudes,” Browning said, and Neil only shrugged indifference.
and—for once—without any of your usual bullshit.”
- browning u love him just like the rest of us don’t lie rn
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ngl i’m never getting over the fact that jean and neil are the same age like this is crazy to me nora whyd u have to do this i cant cope
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“The more people I hold onto, the less of a threat I am, because I won’t want to endanger them by acting out.”
oh neil look how far uve come, i’m so proud
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“Lock your door tonight if it will help, but Grayson will never bother you again.”
THANK U LORD FOR THE BRILLIANT NEIL JOSTEN HES ANSWERED MY PRAYERS U BEAUTIFUL WONDERFUL HUMAN IM SO THANKFUL FOR UR PRESENCE
all my favourite bamf! neil fics have him taking out a hit on someone for the benefit of the people he loves and i’m so glad that’s canon
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i’m going fucjing crazy i didnt think it was possible to love neil anymore than i already do
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best friends ❤️
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jean tearing up and throwing away the notebooks and realising he trusts the trojans and the four of them going to eat one of cats new recipes after they waited up last midnight for him
A COOL EVENING BREEZE RAINBOWS OPEN ROADS AND FRIENDS
!!!!!
I CSNT BELIEVE ITS OVERRRRR I HAVE SO MANY THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS HOLY FUCK
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yesterdaysnewts · 6 months
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so i just finished the first season of house md and let me say
your attachment to wilson is understandable, that man has the biggest brownest eyes ive ever seen
house on the other hand has the scariest blue eyes known to man pls buy her brown contact lenses
i actually like cameron x house i would potentially like to see more of that she is a very nice contrast to house and i rlly want to see that dynamic explored even though the season 1 finale did make it pretty clear that hes still in love with stacey
speaking of which im looking forward to seeing how her presence in the hospital shakes things up
im very glad they got rid of vogler or whatever his name was i had vivid hallucinations of punching him in the face repeatedly everytime he was on screen
i want to find out what the deal with foreman is. he has matching shows with house. he hates homeless people. he committed a crime at 16. he broke into a patients house to figure out how to comfort her while she died. literally who is this man i need to knowwwww
that brings me to chase. i cant figure him out either, first hes a brown nose to house, then hes snitching on him every chance he gets, he doesnt need to money but he wants his job, he is somehow to coolest person in this show and the lamest, he wears a leather jecket and looks like he belongs in a pantene commerical. hes my favourite
also i want it to be actually brought up that house plays piano? like in the first season there are 4 seperate times he plays piano (tho he only mimes playing it one time so technically only three)
GOD this show i cant believe i didnt watch it sooner
wilson really does have the most wettest biggest brownest eyes i have ever seen and it makes him so scrunkly i need to put him in a bag and bash that bag into a brick wall
and yea houses eyes are fucking terrifying and the worse thing is that someone on a discord server once edited him to have brown eyes and somehow it was scarier
also you are like the first person ive seen express a like for cameron x house so honestly god speed for that but you do bring up some banging fucking points
live laugh love stacey that is really all i have to say to that her and house have such a good juicy relationship
fun fact vogler only exists because fox wanted someone to like oppose house and that so the writers threw him in and in process made chase a dickhead (still bbg tho)
also FOREMAN, god i love him so much like mans presents himself as like 'oh smart doctor, id want this man to be my doctor' but then as the show progresses you just end up looking at him like 'what happened here'. in s3 you do properly start to see how he parallels house and it is scrumptious top tier telly and, like chase, he is a fucking dickhead. and the car thing as well cos like he goes on about how he pulled himself out of that but then you watch and he clings to normalcy and making something of himself its brilliant
and the shit himself chase. i find it so fucking funny how his first name is robert like he does not fucking look like a robert. and his relationship with house like fucking hell, you can tell chase is desperately trying to separate himself from his actual dad and by doing that he clung onto his work and especially house in an attempt to do that.
also 'he wears a leather jacket and looks like he belongs in a pantene commercial. he is my favourite' speaks for itself cause yeag.
unfortunately i don't actually think its bought up that house can play piano later on but you do get to see him play other instruments which is fun cause hugh laurie is a really good musician and im so happy they gave house interests outside of just medicine
happy watching the show is gonna make you go just a bit insane
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boneywones · 2 months
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gonna ramble about somethinguhhh nightmare related in my personal au read through it if u want its prob gonna be long (im also gonna add some hcs i have)
i feel like people dont talk much about what nightmare would do after dream turns into stone, like its wasted potential to just make him so he just sits in dreamtale, doing nothing and waiting for dream to get out of stone
atleast make him do SOMETHING and no, him reading books is not good enough. give him more hobbies or stuff to do. i hate bland sanses (jokus writing is already ass so you’re just adding even more ass onto that)
+ i want people to interp how nightmare found mtt trio. i want people to explain how nm found these little silly fucked up classic variants. i want people to explain how nightmare found these variants in the first place. i need explanations filled with whimsy and lore so i can be fed properly
anyway
hcs and stuff in this:
dreamtales village speaks in a different language other than english
nightmare left dreamtale after he figured out that alternate universes exist (not timelines, just universes. when he figured this out, he left after 90 years from when the corruption started)
dreamtale is changed a little drastically. flowey is actually in the dreamtale of my personal au so thats cool (will explain if someone asks)
uhhmmm thats basically it
(back to what im actually talking about)
———
after nightmare had left dreamtale after 90 years of waiting, he had figured out that alternate universes exist from the doodlesphere. (fyi, only a few universes existed at this time, the main ones being underswap, underfell and undertale) nightmare had visited underswap and underfell but found underswap to be too cheery and underfell to be too annoying, since most of the monsters tried to attack him (even though he cant be killed (hc that only dream can kill nightmare)) so nightmare decided to stay in undertale for a fair while (woah here comes the classicmare stuff sort of…..)
the first thing that nightmare had done was latch onto classic (not literally, figuratively) since classic was the first skeleton nightmare had saw. nightmare didnt trust the other monsters enough to use them as a negativity source (wuhoh trauma…..) so he had just decided to use classic instead to try and (poorly) hide himself, nightmare copied everything that classic would do, down to repeating what he would say (which is where nightmare learned to speak english ^_^) in a poor manner (nightmare used to speak similar to a seven year old in english)
(tysm for one of my friends giving me this idea)
obviously, classic noticed but didnt really bother to shoo nightmare away and the monsters didnt really care either, since classic didnt show that he cared. only person that was really wary of nightmare was frisk (or the player, can be either)
now uh oh, attachment starts (on nightmares end) after a fair while (probably about 50 years or more) nightmare gets more curious, so he pokes around undertale to find flowey. flowey realises that nightmare is a sans from an alternate universe (sorta), nightmare threatens flowey to get more information, flowey gives it and nightmare goes back to his routine
couple more years go by
nightmare abruptly leaves undertale to look at the doodlesphere again and this time finds way more alternate universes than before. he spots an abandoned au, makes a sort-of-home there, steals some stuff from other aus and finds himself back in undertale but this time he was in a different timeline, differing from classics (its already obvious but this is dusts timeline)
nightmare becomes confused “ermmm where the freak is sans…” he probably said
realises that all the monsters are gone (yolo) and looks around to find dust. nightmare thinks dust is classic (the og), dust tries to kill nightmare and nightmare abruptly apprehends him (L)
then nightmare, like the wackjob he is, kidnaps dust because he feels like it then stuff happens, u get the jist. he kidnaps killer, then horror, figures out that timelines exist, realises dust isnt classic, immediately loses interest in dust (dawg) and other stuff happens
basically it…. erm
wanted to ramble about my personal au qnd the nightmare in it because i can 🤓
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istherewifiinhell · 3 months
Text
IS FLYING GENDERED?
On the masculine default, typifying gender in genre, and women as the other in the transformers cartoons.
question for the ages
once again i said back in the halcyon days of watching g1 (aka 5 months ago) i was like. Nooooo, decepticon is NOT a gender that's Silly. It's funny, but as a Read Of The Text, I thought it largely unneeded. (The concept came about, as a joke, involving dismissing the bad guys using the same language you would abt women (sexistly) that they're emotional [heh, flighty], vain, and shrill) after all. If in the 80s era there are 5 whole named/speaking woman tfs, its only ever gonna get better from here right? (<- booboo the fool)
anyway
Let's consider the axiom that the assumed default gender is male, that maleness is often seen as LACK of gender, and femaleness and gender variance are the PRESENCE of gender. In certain reasoning and worldviews, of course (See Androcentrism). Then add that, for transformers, the assumed default thing a transformer turns into, is car. (Autocentrism, if you will)
(The most general term for what a tf turns into is "Alt mode" as some of them are not vehicles at all. The other mode is "Robot Mode", whether its humanoid or not)
So I will be laying out why I believe the cartoon iterations support: non standard alt modes = non standard genders. This is in spite of the fact that FIRST lady tfs were all cars. Sleek cyber cars, but still. For whatever reason, (possibly, the reason for everything in tf, toys) they might as well not exist for how woman tf characters presence in the cartoons progressed over time.
And, to be clear, this is a reading of how these works of fiction are created, not a new unified bioessentialism but for robots aliens I'm proposing for like. In universe lore reasons. I hate that idea.
That said, alt modes in order of most to least gender: Spider, motorcycle, flying (in general, with rotors, jets), tank, and then FINALLY, car. (water and space crafts are already too marginal to rank, but they too can be assumed in relation to default maleness, AND that in making one a woman, would still qualify as othering her).
The NUMBER one reason for this is the bizarre need to have an ESTABLISHED woman tf character before making new ones. AS YOU MIGHT IMAGINE. With a g1 gender ratio something like.... (counting even the most marginal cases for the ladies) 9:120? (That's a rough count from a quick scanning of the tf wiki g1 char list) Shits dire out here.
The second is, ofc, character design based. cis people [stand in phrase for the hegemonic world view] are not okay, and their opinions about how tf gender must need be depicted visually is. uh? Im not a fan. Size and shape dimorphism in general is a given, and specifically having women tfs as far more humanoid and curvy in specific. Also general cartoon lady face syndrome but, whatever. I think there's exactly one character here who doesn't have "lips" or "lipstick" as a distinguishing factor. I'm so tired.
Third is generally, the idea of The Girl Of the Team. When there's The Girl, she often isn't JUST a normal character, who happens to be a girl. See, of course, the Smurtfette Principle. But in my view there's also a trend to give The Girl "special traits" on top of "Girl", maybe even to directly combat the idea that the Girl Character has no other traits? To stop this from being a General Primer on Woman in Media, my explanatory focus is things specific to the tf franchise.
(A phrase I use for thinking about normative modes [in general, not just the Alt ones] in within the tf universe is "unique transformerdom" or, even more clunkily, "A transformer of unique transformerdom". The excessive verbosity is amusing to me personally. All I mean by it is to have an umbrella term for any of the ways tfs can be made unique from their peers in the non allegorical realities of the fiction).
I could, and do, and greatly want to, speak about this AT LENGTH. But it keeps spiraling away from me. So I'll say for now were looking at ways a character is being depicted different from her peers, not because she is the only woman (which she likely is), but cause she's a different kind of transformer, AND if she's othered for it.
(IN SOME forms of the lore. Being a transformer woman, IS A UNIQUE KIND of transformer unto itself. Let's just say I hate it and move on)
Fourth, is the gender of villainy. There is much to be said about gender presentation of villains, the ways they are allowed to be aberrant. We will get to it. There is also all the tropes specific TO evil women, and the modes of villainy open TO female characters. But a general thing I think impacting the gender ratios of the factions is the how "Good" and "Evil" female characters are written. I'll generalize and call this the "Damsel vs Temptress" dichotomy. (See concepts like the Madonna-whore complex). Transformers, is by and large, an action franchise. Unless special reasons are made, characters who can impact the action– have more screen time, and likely more memorable, and iconic presences. A villainous woman can be unchaste, violent, aggressive. While a heroic woman, even if not a literal damsel are more likely to be in a support role. The secretaries of the action genre: medics and techs.
(Another factor is that tfs are giant robots, and the good guys are often friends with tiny squishy little humans. These make very good damsel fodder, and can be taking up the spots on the roster that might, in a different franchise, go to women. Additionally, while woman characters in transformers overall is an interesting topic. When I say tf women, I'm referring to ones that are in fictionally, transformers.)
SO, now understanding our points of attack/obstacles for getting woman into transformers. (Getting established, gendering the designed, uniqueness of existence, and general villainy). Lets go over those alt modes, and the characters that have em, in more detail.
Spiders
The "Beast Era" (1996) intro-ed the spider ofc. And what don't we have with this one. She's a villain, but shes also misunderstood, the era and design style let to these more organic shapes. And they used them to make sure she was very sexy. She's genre aware, she's quippy, she's an absolute icon. So naturally. She gets ported to other later shows. Which means we just have sexy spider ladies running around when everyone else is a fucking truck and shit.
Her own origin is, well think of her as a "Bride of Frankenstein" to the resident evil scientist, also a spider. She was designed for, and manipulated by him in multiple ways. Her protoform (A blank robot base), was supposed to be one of the good guys (a Maximal), but was reprogrammed into a bad guy (Predacon). Even then, she eventually joins them, for her own reasons. She's not even the first predacon to do so, the difference? Well the characters are a lot more NORMAL about his autonomy. Both of these characters stress that being a predacon is an identity they still see as important. But only the woman is told that really, she is was was always MEANT to be a maximal. And while that's true in a sense. There's also a plot were she's forced (by plot contrivance, not the other maximals) to get corrective robot surgery for it. And when they think she died from, everyone's more sad for her boyfriend than for her. Ouch.
The second spider, in the 2007 show, is now one in a world where she is the only "techno-organic" transformer, hence, she is spider, everyone else is a vehicle. Similar to the first, her narrative is very gendered, but less in the way were, like, I do literally think the first was was experiencing in universe sexism from other characters. Here, they really focus on the "techno vs organic" narrative, and the tragic circumstances on how that happened. In this case its just real world sexist writing.
THIRD SPIDER, (2010), instead of misunderstood and tragic evil, this ones just super mega likes to cause pain evil. She also occupies a strange place between the typic vehicular tfs, and the insecticons. This is because she has a helicopter alt mode, and her robot mode is just, a lady with spider characteristics. And, more than just a passing bug like similarity, she has the power to control the insecticons (you know, cause evil woman mind control). However, she doesn't fit in with them either, as the insecticons are at the most insect like they've ever been, in look, living in hives and that most don't even speak.
They may vary in exact character, relationship to the story's moral conflict, and design. But they stay comfortably established, dimorphised, flirty and flirting with villainy. And bonus points, always, for black widow spider trope.
SO. SPIDERS. Established: ✅️ Gendered designs: ✅️ (Extremely!) Unique: ✅️ Othered: ✅️ Villainy: ✅️
Motorcycles
Tooooo my knowledge the first bike lady was in 2004, and fairly minor, in the actual plot, but rest assured, they did go the previously established woman route, by being pink, though, which one shes named after varies by language. But neither were previously motorcycles. (And yes, there is also this problem of mixing together or swapping out one woman tf for another. As if we have the ladies to spare). Even though motorcycle men also exist, this one just stuck for a bit. Maybe something to do with Those Movies. I think the Gendered Existence of a motorcycle is pretty evident though, general sex appeal, being smaller, the mode of riding a motorcycle is different, more physical and intimate. Mainly this ranks so high for the level of grossness they can pack in. Just how objectifying it can be, particularly with two instances where the human rider is an annoying teen boy. Naturally, I've also never seen a male and female motorcycle in the same room, but the approach to design tends to be different. And yeah most of em are Arcee, who's first alt mode was cyber car, but it's not just her.
Established: ✅️ Gendered designs: ✅️ Unique: ✅️ Othered: Depends on iteration, I do NOT like the way one gets called "tough, for a two wheeler". Villainy: ❌(they wouldn't need to be motorcycles if they weren't making them the Special Girl Autobot, after all)
Flying
General: It just tends to stick out when your one girl is only flyer in the group, even she's otherwise tactfully done. Only flyer of the Maximals, a falcon, only flyer of the dinobots, a Pteranodon.
Rotors
I can barely even figure this one. Maybe it's just a general, aesthetics and use case of the actually vehicles, the associations? None of these ladies (and special case) are very connected otherwise. As previously mentioned, the spider helicopter. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
A big one for this is the preschool demo shows, which are rescue team focused. In the first one the only woman on the human response worker team pairs with the helicopter, they mention she does medical at times. The helicopter is male, like the other tfs. But also he's afraid of flying, and while not the first case of a flyer with a fear of heights, their personalities are, pretty different. As he's both fearful AND effeminate, fine as character traits go but, with the tone of humour used, marks him as Other.
In the second, Whirl (pointing to icon) becomes a girl for the first time, now with standard humanized face. I assume as move to keep with the previous show of having a girl one, as there's no human team mates. She's also the only one who really likes rescue school. Aaaand that's all know of her. What more do you want from me.
Helicopters: Unique: ✅️ Othered: ✅️ (milder than some)
But why'd I call this section rotors instead of helicopters? That would be because one of the latest Sole Female TF we just put in everything™ is a VTOL jet with rotors. She'll tend to be the only jet of her type, which is also smaller than the type of jet used for the villains.
And, of course, aside from alt mode, the thing that makes her stand out most in the cartoons? That she's very clearly a comics character. (I find the emphasize that she's "fan created" over done, as it only controlled minor aspects, and irrelevant cause tfs get completely overhauled in new versions all the time). From her design, which is a bit busier than most characters she stars with. And also uses Japanese aesthetic signifiers in ways that I think are a bit misappropriated and untactful. (VERY USamerican comics). Also, when she stars next to a guy, also from comics employing Japanese aesthetic, you can tell its not deployed in the same manner. (E.I she has hair and makeup, he has armor). Either way, her depictions have her either as badass sword lady on mission from god who's constantly getting hit on by an annoying guy. Or have her be from a different planet and has special telepathy.
Do we see how both her gender AND the cultural signifiers are having affects here? That the main woman tf in a series can be a literal alien even among our alien robots, with cultural signifiers they don't have?
Ratings Established: ✅️ (made the comics to cartoon jump) Gendered designs: ✅️ Unique: ✅️ Othered: ✅️ (SO SO EXTREMELY, using methods in fiction and real life)
Jets
I think my association of jets with tf gender is stronger, than some of the above examples, even if there's less reason to it. And why is that? Well, lets get socratic. Here's another question.
Is This All Starscream's Fault?
No. He's not real, he can't do things. But. His legacy as THE main stay transformers character that gets to subvert gender? Yeah. (Sure, the G1 autobots have their own effete, but he's not in every single cartoon they ever made now is he? Plus now that I think about it, he is a FLYING car...)
From the get, he's not a Man's man. He's shrill, he's manipulative and duplicitous, petty and emotional, cowardly and wheedling. He is, of course, the Perfect character. Now naturally, the 80s cartoon was not concerned with your paltry logics. Starscream and his ilk are the jets, but every decepticon can fly. The gun, the cassette player, the camera, the cassettes.
And each to a last, more masculine than he is. Vocally or behaviorally, physically. Every one of them fit the gender expectations more than he does. Even being a small time grunt, is a masculine trait, after all, more so than unchecked ambition. So its not femininity from flying, from jets. But direct relationship, reference, and descendancy from Starscream that makes it. I've yet to see female versions of Jet fire and or the aerialbots, for example.
So what to do when an effeminate male villain was less maltese falcon and more that man has effeminate hips? Well. We had to start getting his ass for being effeminate, explicitly. They made the female clone of him, which yeah, is an offensive joke stemming from the various The Gender Anxieties. (Transmisogyny, homophobia and sexism. General relation toxic masculinity. A heady mix of all and more).
But I mean. It's free girl tf... Once given a name in extra canon materials, she start's showing up in other things. Once you're in books, video games, comics, and most importantly, toys, you're real. And then eventually, her first non clone appearance in a cartoon, and how her presence shaped it.
That being, Cyberverse. Which is a cgi show, you need to know this for reasons of production. Making new models is expensive. This has always been the reason you just make recolours of Starscream and name them different things. Chicken or egg on this one, I don't know, But because CV has Slipstream, and the only difference between her and the generic "male" decepticon jet, is a more feminine face; Suddenly, any random decepticon goon can be a woman.
An absolutely revolutionary take for striving to populate a fictional world with gender parity. By at large it also means they're way more lady villains, and specifically flying model of villain. The show has other woman, but none who get the same androgynous body mold treatment.
Established: ✅️ Gendered designs: Mildly to NO. Unique: By design, no. Othered: Yes for the clone, and Screamer himself, I suppose. No, otherwise. Villainy: ✅️(That's, the whole idea)
Tanks
It needs to be said. Sometimes, when doing things that transgress a norm, anteing up is less subversive. This is another reason why gender variance, female agency and overt sexuality are more common traits of villains. When already defying strictures of society. What's one more.
That's Right. TANKS ARE THE BUTCH WOMAN OF TRANSFORMERS.
Alright. Let me back up. Strika is the stone cold knock out undefeated champ of lady tf designs that, actually has a reoccurring cartoon presence. She is, admittedly, only a reoccurring to minor character.
Her introduction is in another show with techno-organics, this one involved in the struggle between well, the techno and the organic. Strika as we see her, and as the design that will go on to be iterated, is not in her normal transformer body. She has been transferred into a 'vehicon' body. Without a preexisting essence contained in one, vehicons are not considered alive, in the way a transformer is. Visually, they lack the more human body plan, a standard face, feet and hand like appendages.
To further contrast Strika against the two techno-organic woman. Both of them are tall, and slender. Their softer organic shapes designed towards elegance or beauty, whatever your subjective opinion of that result might be. They both have romance subplots too. By the way. Or honestly one subplot and one main plot. Strika. In contrast. Is built like a brick shit house. Her face is. Minimal. And her goal: protecting her planet... by terminating the heroes.
Now, existing as a character that can be referenced for other media, and given the detail that she was a "Famous general", it's off to the races. She makes a wonderful big tank menace that can fill out a background shot, too.
Without her I hardly think we could have Clobber, also from CV. Who is. The true goat. The finest thing, the achievements of all we could ever hope for. A big fuck off woman, gender swapped from a previous male design with minimal faff, with now even more personality and show presence. Friends, wants, desires. Emotions. Thank God for Clobber, Thank Clobber for Clobber. Thank Randolph Heard and Mae Catt for Clobber.
Established: Depends if you want to count that Strika had so much swag they kept drawing/modeling her Gendered designs: FUCK NO Unique: ✅️ Othered: only originally Villainy: ✅️
Cars
So now you have the final piece of the puzzle. In transformers, Autobots are Cars. Yes, there are plenty of autobots that are NOT cars, and there are cars that are not Autobots. But they're exceptions, they're aberrances. They're unique. And Autobots are the norm. They oppose the Decepticons. Decepticons are Villains. And Decepticons can fly. Modal simplified binaries and false dichotomy abound!
And the thing about those original Autobot woman, the one's who largely did not influence all of this? They were cars, it's true, but not like how the men where cars. They've not been designed from transforming car toys, with a shellac of humanoid gender over top. Their designed in the way of human gender. With the car on top.
When the preexisting clause leads to the original designs to be revisited, which, has largely only happened in more recent years. They aren't car woman robots. The cars are literally not part of their bodies, they are additional. Instead of a unifying identity of a robot who is a car, its Arcee and her backpack. Parts of cars get grafted onto their petite lady bodies, and placed anywhere out of the way.
In order to make a transformer a woman, they have to give her a gender, not understanding that that's always been the case. And to give her a woman's gender, she's got to LOOK like a woman, not a transformer. And to look like a woman, she's got to act like a woman. She must be heroic but reactive instead of active, or else, villainous, conniving and or self centered. To be a woman, we must have some other previous woman to explain her presence, or else explain it anew with her unique, strange, or exotic origin. How could she ever be a woman if she simply, existed, looked average, talked average. How could she be a woman if her body is hunks of ungendered car. How can she be a woman if she's everything we expect a transformer to be.
A woman is transgressive, a woman is not normal. Autobots are normal. Autobots are heros. Autobots are men. And Autobots do not fly.
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cenviswasteland · 8 days
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okay from best to worst top three! klapollo krisnix wrightworth go!! with explanations duh - 💾
oh guess what i just found in the bottom of my drafts. sorry floppy disk you asked me this in march and now its almost june. my bad pestie
anyway i would LOVE to. im gonna cut the post here because it ended up getting pretty damn long and i wanna save the mobile users some pain
[[[hey welcome back thanks for clicking a button]]]
a little preface first: i don't think any of them are the "worst". im a multiship freak and i think all three of these are best and worst in their own way. id love more info on what you MEAN by "best to worst" because that's so very vague. do you mean in terms of relationship dynamic? do you mean in terms of personal perception? do you mean how much i like them?? since i have no idea what exactly youre asking me here, im just gonna shove a whole bunch of headcanons in your face and hope for the best. xoxo follow me
3rd place - Wrightworth / Narumitsu
the iconic, original gangster, blah blah blah. forever cute. theyre just kind of a little bland to me. like i feel as tho we've explored basically everything there is to explore in wrightworth with the exception of the seven year gap? eh maybe thats a terrible take who knows. theyre still lovely tho i love the seemingly constant stream of gayass lawyers on my feed. everybody loves narumitsu!
2nd place - Klapollo
i really don't have much to say about klapollo either. theyre cute as hell and they definitely have a lot more to ponder on (considering that the only game we really get klavier in is AA4 [no DD doesnt count klavs ass got fucking Visited and he was written so poorly thats NOT my klavier gavin]). and generally speaking im an AA4 fiend its my favorite game in the entire series and so im biased. also, another pretty constant stream of gay lawyer content. shout out to hyundere who made like constant beautiful klapollo content until the One Piece happened lol [im a one piece enjoyer too dont come for me this is not criticism]
1st place - Krisnix
my GOD krisnix. theres a lot of things that go into me enjoying krisnix, but the biggest one is the fact that they have the fucking wackiest, least defined relationship in all of AA4. (also, another AA4 exclusive lol). with the 7yg in play, theres so much room to play around. and most of krisnix really exists in their questions and the vagueness of their relationship. theres like a billion things to ask. how does this relationship develop? how did they meet? what were they like for seven years? what led up to phoenix suspecting kristoph in, yknow, the Everything that happened in AA4? what kind of relationship did they even have? were they "friends" that just happened to pull each other into their gravity? were they holding hands and cuddling every night? were they practically strangers until one of them needed to "blow off steam"?
and not to mention these people are both private/secretive as HELL (phoenix is probably the cagiest man ive ever seen ever. and kristoph, aside from being a man with a fucking army of skeletons in his closet, gets an unfortunately small amount of screentime in the game and not a lot of time to get into the meat of his character/backstory [see: black psyche-locks]). that adds another layer. they certainly dont talk about each other. so how did... All Of This happen?
SO. MANY. QUESTIONS. and in general i like my ships a little more "toxic". and i mean. if you know ANYTHING about AA4, krisnix is pretty mutually toxic. i could totally make another post tearing into the inner guts of their dynamic and relationship-- hell, i could probably make FIVE.
moral of the story: krisnix forever. poggies.
anyway yeah i hope this uh. answered all your questions? how the hell do you end a tumblr post
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beautiful-is-boring · 2 years
Text
Through the phone
Gojo satoru x Fem!Reader (she/her) | Fluff, very minimal angst if you squint, JJK MANGA SPOILERS
Summary: Gojo, your crush, rambles on and on about you, unaware that you're listening.
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writing this was an impulsive decision so if this ends up being bad or cringe or if i make gojo ooc on accident im so sorry lol
"SHOKO IERI" Gojo's loud and booming voice startled his friend who was speaking to someone on the phone, causing her to yelp.
"hold on dear gimme a moment" she said to the person on the other side "satoru what the fuck?"
"I have so much to tell you about y/n!" he said to her with gleaming eyes that were covered by his blindfold, but shoko could easily tell he had heart eyes, since the topic was about you, his crush.
"not now! can't you see im talking to someone?"
"no. I will stay here and say whatever I want, and you will listen, and if that person wants they can listen too because y/n is just one of a kind okay? They also need to know about how cool she is!"
Shoko smirked to herself. Gojo would ramble on about you, and sometimes, he would sit quiet thinking of you; but he never made a move. You didn't either. Both of you were shy, stupid, dumbfucks who were afraid of rejection and attachment, even though you both wanted each other (her words, not mine)
She could have cut the call, but she didn't. She had a trick up her sleeve. It was you on the other end after all; and her long time friend didn't know that.
"go on ;)"
"so..." satoru began "i cannot stress this enough, and i know i said this loads of times before, but her smile is EVERYTHING. And her laugh? HEAVENLY. She could smile and giggle and boom! depression doesn't exist anymore! And everytime she smiles at me or I make her laugh I can feel myself BLUSHING and going RED but obviously she can't know that so I laugh it off saying its the heat, and I am so glad it is summer right now because that girl is really smart. Her brain is so hot. But she's dumb and oblivious a lot of times and its hilariously cute."
'Her smile is everything.' 'I can feel myself blushing.' 'Her brain is hot.' What the fuck? You could hear everything he was saying to shoko through your phone. Blushing profusely, your eyes widened automatically. This was Gojo, your crush, and an egoistical bastard. He would never admit any of the things he was unapologetically saying at the very moment. You knew your feelings were reciprocated yet you continued to listen to know what he actually thought of you.
"Like- she's so pretty its illegal." He continued gushing on about you while Shoko silently snickered to her self and you froze completely.
"Honestly? She's so badass and doesn't give a shit about anything else but she's so caring. I saw her help this small kid in the park whose balloon was stuck on a tree and she helped him get the balloon back, and I instantly fell in love. You already know sweet she is with the students, they love her! AND SHE MAKES SPECIAL CHOCOLATES FOR ME! How cool is that! She..." his voice quietened down a bit "she makes me feel special shoko. She makes me feel loved. She cares about me a lot. Its just a different kind of feeling. But im scared, I don't want to lose her. You-you know what happened to getou- i cant-"
He took in a heavy breath and paused for a second "I dont want to lose her in any way. What if they target her because of me? I know she's so damn strong, nothing can touch her. But that 1% still remains. Or what if she doesn't reciprocate my feelings? Her and I are close friends and i don't want to lose that too. And on top of that I am busy and I am a hard guy to be with."
"well, what do you want to do?" Shoko asked him with a softer smile.
"I..I think i'm gonna stop. She deserves better if im being honest. She needs someone who can pamper her and give her time. I am done-"
"Satoru?"
Your shaky voice could be heard from shoko's phone.
Gojo froze and everything around him went quiet. You. It was you, the one only y/n, on the phone. The one he was in love with. The one he just rambled on and on about to his friend, and you heard every single word. He could feel his mind go hay-wire. He wanted the earth to swallow him whole from the embarrassment. He wanted to go to some foreign country, dig a hole, crawl in it and die. He felt vulnerable, panicked and so much more.
"Satoru? Are you still there?" your voice broke the silence, drawing his attention to you.
He decided to get it over with.
"heyyyy y-y/n? hehe listen don-don't worry about it i-i was just joking- i mean i was n-not- but you don-t have to take me seriously like i-i respect your feelings and if you don't return them t-that is okay but please lets still be friends but i was hoping for-"
"Satoru...please, tell me the truth. Please tell me you're not joking."
With a heavy sigh, he spoke into shoko's phone. "Y/n, I like you. 'I am in love with you' would be a better choice of words, but I don't want to be awkward, it feels as if I'm going too fast. Look, its okay if you don't like me back, and I completely get it; but I have hidden my feelings for a really long time now, and I just wanna say that I will always be by your side, protecting you, supporting you, being the bestfriend that you need during hard times."
"Why do I need you as my bestfriend to support me when you can do the same while being my boyfriend?"
w h a t
Gojo satoru's eyes widened and his mouth hung open. What the hell did you just say to him? "...what? y-y/n what are you saying?"
"I..I wanted to confess my feelings for you for so damn long but I was scared to lose you. I think we both were." you giggled softly and gojo could feel his heart swell. "Satoru, I like you too. I like you so so so much."
"I can't believe it!" he whispered.
"I'm in my office room. Meet me now." That was all you said before you hung up. Gojo could hear the nervousness from your voice, while keeping in mind that he was very nervous too, and he probably gave it away because of his stuttering at the start. He felt butterflies in his stomach, partly from his nervousness and partly from the happiness he felt from receiving your confession.
He looked at shoko with shocked eyes.
"Don't be a wimp and just go to her." Shoko responded to his look, and smiled. "You'll be fine."
Gojo took a deep breath in, then out, and then teleported himself to your office.
His eyes fell on you the moment he stepped foot in that room. You were seated on a big couch that you owned, looking ethereal as ever in the golden rays of the sun that entered into the room through your open windows. Gojo couldn't help but blush at how beautiful you looked, even while being so nervous, and he could feel his heart do a backflip when you gave him a soft smile with a small "hi".
"hi." he replied back, not knowing what to say. His awkward stance was adorable.
"you look really cute when you're flustered." Your compliment made him smile as you both walked towards each other. It was not normal for THE Gojo satoru to be this soft, this flustered, the reason being a person.
"and you, my darling, you...look absolutely adorable when you smile." you both chuckled lightly as he booped your nose with his finger, drinking in the sight of you smiling. "...is it too early to call you darling-?"
"no no it isn't!...I like it." It was your turn to blush now. "What nickname do I use for you?" You tiptoed and wrapped your arms around his neck, feeling his arms go around your waist, gazing into his ocean like eyes twinkling behind the glasses.
"Anything. What do you want to call me?"
"'Toru'. How does that sound?"
"Don't ever call me anything other than that." was all he said before he leaned down and softly placed his lips over yours, feeling a different kind of happiness for the first time in forever.
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Taglist: @narcwhore @bollywoodgrandma @vampire-rat-bastard @levis-hazelnut
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sawbf · 2 months
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Gonna have to be a cunt for a second. Been talked to death that a lot of (low support need) Autistic people on this website conceptualize themselves as the Main Autistics and have created these ideas of whats acceptable autism whats not. Not talked enough about how much they speak over mid and high support needs ALWAYS but I digress. What Ive noticed though, my current thought, is even within low support need "community" people seem to completely reject the idea that Autism is anything other than Mental, consider it synonymous with say anxiety and and as something thatd wouldnt matter anymore under Communism (but thats not my main point).
It's a developmental disability. Just because YOU only experience social symptoms doesnt make you the only kind of autistic person or even like representative. It's a developmental disability. Im speaking as someone who grew up with my motor development stunted, with a permanent limp and gait, with a sleep disorder, with impaired balance, with little control over my muscles, who still has all these things has since I was born. Ive known people, classmates who had seizures and more considered because of their Autism. 1/3rd of us apparently! I could go on. And it happens more in people with higher support needs who again are constantly ignored in discussions ANYWAY. And I just hear chatter and chatter about how "we'd" all be normal and unstoppable if it werent for society, society is ableist, and at the same time dont stop to think about the stairs at their 6th floor Cool Autism Meetup
It doesnt make you like not Autistic to not have physical developmental issues. Thatd be stupid. But by god its like despite beingg diagnosed or diagnosing yourselves you dont even know we exist regardless of our support needs. Would dismantling capitalism let my body work normally? If you really know so much about Autism or care about the whole community do research that doesnt pertain to you
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mugentakeda · 2 months
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Bro I love Anchali and Jiro omiGOSH ♡´・ᴗ・`♡
Anchali is so insane and crazy for Ursa it’s both so weird/freaky and lowkey cute with how highly she’s devoted herself to Ursa I need to study her under a microscope.
And Jiro is so slimey and greasy i love them gay slimey men who are also shady as hell <33
Speaking of, I was wondering— how would Jiro react to the news of Lu Ten’s death (regardless of whether its canon or Dai Li Lu Ten AU)? How would he react if he saw Dai Li Lu Ten?
ok im so sorry for taking this long to answer this but my braincells always stop working when it comes to dai li lu ten au for some reason. like i quite literally just figured out how to put what lu tens issue is in a simple sentence Today and ive had this au for months. please forgive me.
TO BE HONEST. jiro was concerned about why lu ten was so stiff about going to bss, but he thought it was just like... over family drama. because lu ten never let his complicated feelings about the war leave the pages of his journal. not even to jiro, who lu ten knew probably wouldn't have cared (because jiro casually breaks at least 10 laws per day at minimum. he makes it a daily goal for himself) anyway.
but jiro didn't even consider the idea that lu ten would die at bss? cus like. lu ten passed his officer classes with flying colors, so he was fit to lead a group of men on the battlefield. he knew all the do's and do not's of war strategy. he was the youngest lightning bender in fire nation history at the time (until azula ofc). but. he was also a prince. so jiro was (correctly) under the impression that iroh wouldn't let lu ten even see the real heat of the battle. he was thinking that lu ten was just being sent there last minute so he could say he was there at least when iroh succeeded.
when the news about lu ten reaches the capital on top of the news of irohs retreat, jiro doesnt immediately believe it. cus he just bid lu ten goodbye like lu ten was leaving for an 8am meeting that he was dreading. like a tender just go get it over with real quick and then come on home, we can go back to bed for the rest of the day and then i'll take you out for dinner. there's national mourning, then firelord azulon dies and ozai is crowned and it's like jiro's world has a muted sheet thrown over it. it takes iroh's army coming home for it to sink in fully.
and jiro mourns kinda like how a flower quietly wilts overnight? he didnt throw a fit or demand answers or whatever. he just pulled himself away from politics and just focused on work. but he keeps that place at his side that lu ten filled for the brightest year of jiro's life open because jiro can't make himself act like it never happened either. so the second chair by jiro's balcony table stays, the hair ribbon pile lu ten forgot on the nightstand stays, the extra printed pelt blanket on his bed that only lu ten used (because he hated sharing blankets) stays.
AND THEN. in the dai li au. i did say a while back that jiro ends up becoming one of azulas guys. but she ends up calling him to bss asap because hes the only person in the fn that she knows for sure that she can trust with knowing about lu tens continued existence lol. its a very strange time for her cus she found out through long feng that her dad was at fault for the whole thing. and shes still figuring out what exactly shes gonna do about that but for now shes gonna be utilizing jiro's flimsy loyalty to the fire nation to protect her cousin until she has everything in order lol. and i haven't made up my mind about where lu ten will go from there but im kinda leaning on iroh taking lu ten with him to the order while zuko goes with the gaang
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cupoftaae · 11 months
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Forever And A Day (KTH x READER) series ♡ sunrise in versailles (part 3) (chapter 15)
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Summary: your lifelong friend is forced to face his true feelings for you once he breaks the number one rule of becoming friends with benefits: dont fall in love. He knows he loves you, but you on the other hand need more convincing of the most important thing: the right decision.
Genre: fwb. Roommates, friends to idiots to lovers, fluff, angst, smut, the whole 9 yards tbh.
Pairing: taehyung x female!reader
rating: 18+ (minors dni!!!)
word count- 5k
warnings- swearing, fighting (waaa), emotional distress, mentions of miscarriage, lots of sad shit tbh. I think this is all? lmk.
a/n-Hi m'loves, I hope ur all doing well and having a good summer so far!! I will update the main masterlist asap so all of the chapters are easily accessible through pinned post on my page! -Nini
"so....he's saying that it just happened and there wasn't necessarily any reasoning behind it. Its normal....its not your fault." Taehyung whispered, translating the english speaking doctor's words into Korean as you remained seating in a hospital bed.
No reasoning? normal?
You would scoff if you had the energy.
Instead, you just blinked a few times in understanding, putting your head back and looking up at the obnoxiously bright lights in the room. Really- they werent comforting in the slightest.
The doctor kept speaking to Taehyung, who then would refer to you, "they are....gonna give you medicine to help pass any, um, tissue? left inside..." his voice was thick, slicked with grief as he tried to explain everything.
After they handed you a few papers and pamphlets, they passed a bottle of pain reliever and extra medication into your hands, then pushed you out of the clinic, as if nothing happened, or if anything changed.
The car ride back to the hotel was quiet, you refused to even hold Taehyungs hand, which, yeah...you felt bad for shutting him out, because you know he was hurting just as much as you were, however you wanted to just process it by yourself. It perhaps was selfish to do so, but you didnt want to talk about it.
even with him.
"maybe its a good idea to look into a flight back home...?" he whispered, hand on your lower back as you walk back into the room. You winced before crawling onto the bed, hugging a pillow.
"no....." you mumbled, closing your eyes. The thought of going on a 12 hour plane ride in this condition made you queasy. You just wanted to lay in bed for the next few days to recover.
He put the stuff down and stood in front of the bed, looking down at his feet as his mind rambled of ways to help. "are you hungry?"
You shook your head.
"thirsty? You should probably have some water......do you want me to run you a bath-?"
"taehyung!" you looked over at him, he was taken back for a moment upon hearing your voice, the loudest you've spoken since the miscarriage began. "I want to be left alone, I dont need anything"
He frowned, "but you-"
"but nothing" you sighed, resting your head back down. You swallowed any trace of sadness in your voice, any signal you were ready to break down. "I just....I want to sleep."
"okay" he nodded, upset at your dismissive behavior. All he wanted was to hold you in this moment, for you two to mourn together so you can heal, and you were practically pretending he didnt exist.
He grabbed his cellphone and calmly left the room, walking out to clear his head. The weather was now much sunnier, air was hot but nice. He wondered what adventure you both would be up to right now if this never happened.
Reluctantly, he began to ring up his mother to discuss whats going on, knowing that you will probably be mad for doing it without you, but he needed someone to talk to so desperately.
"mom...." he whispered when the ringing on the other line stopped, signaling someone picked up.
"Taehyung? whats wrong?" her voice was groggy, He suddenly remembered that it was really late over in Busan, and she was most likely asleep.
"im sorry for calling so late" he mumbled, "I just really need to talk to you"
"what is it?" her voice was more awake now, obvious curiosity and panic.
He sighed, taking a breath as he looked around at the people walking down the street. "Y/N....this morning, she had a miscarriage." he swallowed roughly, feeling the familiar lump in his throat. "we just got back to the room after going to the clinic, shes okay, but she wont talk to me...and I know this doesnt concern you in the slightest, you were upset to begin with, but....im hurting mom." his voice cracked at the last sentence, face hiding into his arm.
He heard a stilling of breath on the other line.
Taehyungs mother wasnt all too pleased to hear you both were expecting a child together, but she never wished for something like this to happen, it was heartbreaking.
"ah my son... im terribly sorry my dear." she exhaled, "its okay to cry, its okay to be upset, you know?"
He sniffed, wiping his eyes with the collar of his shirt, "yeah but, I just wanna be with her and shes getting mad at me"
"Its a difficult situation, She is hurting just like you maybe even more, and she needs space....she will come around okay? where is she? where are you? did they specify what caused it?"
"im outside of our hotel, sitting on a bench, she doesnt want me in the room....and shes okay, they gave her medicine and stuff but they said it was natural, like nothing inflicted it or caused it"
She nodded on the other line "okay...maybe you both should come home. I know you worked hard to be there right now but if shes sick you guys need to be close to us. I will make some meals and bring them over so she doesnt have to cook, or you can just stay with us, whatever you two decide."
He brushed his hair with his fingers, listening to his mothers soft soothing tone, one he wasn't particularly used to hearing too often. "I asked her if we should go back and she said no"
"she wants to stay in a foreign country during this? what if something else happens?"
"I dont think she wants to deal with the plane ride" he sighed
"thats understandable, but she can just sleep the entire time, then i'll order a cab to our house straight from the airport, how does that sound?"
"I'll try to talk to her again about it, I just want her to be okay"
"she will be okay, but these things take time. She may not act like she needs you there with her but she does, go back to the room okay?"
"okay....thank you, I'll text you after, love you..." he mumbled, grateful that for once, his mother was supportive in such a time of pain.
-
"you showered?" he asked, walking back into the room as he saw you on the floor, looking out the large window by the bed. Your long wet hair gently dripping to the carpet below you.
"mhm" your eyes stayed glued to the city, watching cars drive around as the sun began to say its goodbyes, setting beautifully and coating the sky with a purple and orange tint.
His eyes looked down to the pillow in your lap, you squeezed it tightly.
"how...uh, how are you feeling physically?"
"mm" you shrugged, finally turning back to look at him. You were pale, and you looked exhausted. The dark bags under your eyes didnt lie. "im managing"
"you dont have to manage alone" he whispered, sitting beside you.
"taehyung..."
"y/n"
You looked at him as he sat on the carpet next to you, your body tightening up once more.
"why wont you let me be here for you?" he whispered, eyes directly on yours as he tilted his head. Taehyung didnt want to come off as aggressive or forceful.
You shook your head, eyes darting out the window once more. "I dont wanna talk about it"
"why no-"
"because it fucking kills me!" you cried out, covering your face, "it hasnt even been a day, im processing it, it doesnt feel real and I just..."
He looked at you, his own expression softening as he felt his stomach churn.
"I just wish it never happened" you choke out in a faint whisper
"I know baby, I know...." he mumbled, slowly bringing his arm to yours, pulling you into his lap. "me too, this is awful, I know it is, and I know I will never understand how you feel....but im hurting too. lets process this together? please?" his fingers laced through your hair as you softly cried, you could feel the exhaustion and emotion seeping through every ounce of your body. "I think we should just go home..."
"but you worked so hard to be here....we arent going..."
Taehyung sighed, "its not important. I...I called my mom and explained the situation, shes offering us a room at the house, she will cook for us and everything, allow you time to heal, and-"
You stopped crying, climbing off his lap and looking at him as if he slapped you in the face. "you called your mom? why? what?"
"I know, im sorry, I shouldve asked you if it was okay-"
"yeah you should have" you wiped your nose and stood up, huffing and tossing the pillow back onto the bed. "thats so....you dont need to go telling everyone. Not to mention she gave me shit when she found out I was pregnant, and now she wants to be all supportive? bull fucking shit"
He was taken back at your sudden outburst, he rose to his feet and turned to you "baby, hey, I know my parents arent the best but they are offering support right now, put all the fighting aside, she knows your hurting and is just trying to be nice"
"I dont care, I refuse to let her do that, especially given the fucking comments she through at me" you ran your hands through your hair. "I mean, shit, taehyung, my own mom didnt know I was pregnant yet and now I have to tell her I already miscarried?" you sighed "this is a lot on me! this is a lot mentally, and you cant just go telling people, im embarrassed"
"you shouldnt be"
"I am, I dont really want to be coddled or get sympathy calls and texts from people, I just want to be alone, and to be honest, I am really fucking mad at you right now"
He raised his brow, he was upset at your behavior but tried to understand the situation from your point of view. "okay..." he exhaled, "I get it, I know, and im sorry"
You threw your phone across the room, walking into the bathroom and shutting the door.
Taehyung felt lost, his attempt of helping seemed to only make shit worse for the both of you. How was one person supposed to navigate or fix the said situation? you wanted help, but you refused it.
He didnt want to leave again, but he grabbed his coat and walked out once more, this time it was to sit on the fire escape stairs out near the balcony.
It felt like hours, he cried, watching cars drive around. It was selfish, but he wished he was one of those people.
he wished he was away, he wished you and him were doing what you had originally planned for the day instead of this.
His heart was in his throat as it suddenly hit him, the loss of the child he had learned to grow so fond of. Taehyung had not known them for very long, but oh, he fell in love at the first heartbeat, the first sonogram that still sat in his wallet at this very moment.
He was in love the moment he walked into his bedroom and saw it as a nursery for the first time, eager to push everything out just so he can decorate it 7 months early.
The moment he saw your bump beginning to form, snapping photos left and right. The moments of holding your hair back so you didnt get vomit in it during your morning sickness days. The moments of him talking to your stomach late at night when you pretended to be asleep and watch.
Taehyung would whisper his fears but righten them as promises of love and nothing less. the role of a father.
It seemed so scary at first, but as he settled into it, the idea became somewhat comforting, at least knowing he wasnt alone.
But now what?
Where do you even start to pick up the pieces of loss of a life you never even got to taste?
Everything that was finally looking up was ripped away in a matter of moments. He was angry at the world, angry at himself, angry at the innocent people walking around below...but he wasnt angry at you, no matter how much you deflect his compassion.
He tossed his cigarette and began to look up at the stars, trying to mentally keep track of the number of them. It was something to distract his brain, it was something to do other than feel pathetic.
The slider door to the balcony slowly opened, presenting you tightly wrapped in a robe as your hair was now thrown into a pony tail.
Taehyung waved his hand, too afraid to speak up.
"I just got off the phone"
He nodded, looking over.
"with my mom" you exhale
"oh?" Taehyung sat up quickly as you walked over, sitting beside him.
"yeah" you whisper, of course you had been crying, there was no way to hide it. "I told her everything, mine as well not wait"
He nodded, unsure of how to react
Its quite for a moment, the overwhelming tension between you both choking you as the night sky blanketed the city, the air thick with love and grief.
"are you okay?" he whispered
"yes...or, will be anyways" you sniff, taking a deep breath and allowing your lungs to receive a moment of calmness for the first time today. "are you?"
He shrugged, looking at you. "mad..." he murmured, watching his heel continue to dig into the cigar that was already on the ground.
"mad?" you whisper
"yeah, mad."
"why?"
"because..." it was his turn to cry, his fists bunching up his white shirt. "I left you, I fucking left you while it happened."
You frown, watching his eyes look anywhere but your own. "My love...whether you were in the room or not, it still wouldve happened"
"At least you wouldnt have been alone..." he choked, "I keep getting images of how scary it mustve been, and how you kept calling me and I was just...not there"
You wiped your eyes, scooting closer to him.
"so fucking dumb, im so stupid. I hate everyone and im mad. Im angry, its not fair" he mumbled
You were unsure of what to say to him, opting to pull him into your arms as you embraced eachother.
"where were you anyways...?"
He sniffed, whispering lowly "I went to get you flowers, and breakfast" his cheeks were slightly red. "just my luck, I do something nice and the world spits in my face"
You couldnt help the small smile that found its way onto your lips, "well thats very sweet...."
"doesnt matter. it was dumb and I shouldnt have left you"
"you cant blame yourself for this" you look at him, turning his head so he sees you. "we need to stop blaming ourselves. This is going to take a while to recover from, and we gotta realize that now more than ever." you whisper, pressing your forehead to his.
He nodded, lifting slightly to kiss you delicately.
Taehyung held both of your hands as he rested his head on your shoulder.
"Im going home"
He sniffed, "you are? I think thats good, we dont have to stay at my moms house, I understand how awkward that might be for you, and it was my wrong doing to just go and talk behind your back. We can just go back to the apartment okay?"
You shake your head slowly, "no, Tae, home...Gwangju." you spoke into his ear gently, your hand running circles on his back. "I need to see my mom, I need time to recover, and to be honest, I need to recover from a lot more than just this one thing...."
He sat away, looking at you. "Gwangju?"
"yeah. Ive been thinking about going back for a while, remember? my mom isnt getting any younger and she still has troubles with her back. She wasnt doing too well when we visited. I need to be with my mom to help her, and so she can help me with everything Ive been dealing with, which....is a lot." you exhale, trying to offer a small laugh to lighten the mood. "she misses me too, all the time"
His face was contorted, mind racing. "well...okay..." he nodded slowly, "thats fine...when do we leave?"
You bit your bottom lip and looked at him, "not we, just me tae..."
Taehyung frowned, "what do you mean? you....are leaving without me?" his voice was thick with emotion as the realness of the sudden situation sunk in.
"yeah...not for long, I promise, I just need time-"
"what are you talking about?" he chokes out, standing up and looking down at you. "I offered to take you back home so we can recover and rest, I offered you anything I could, and you refused, now suddenly you are hot and eager to hop on a plane to Gwangju to....get away from me?"
"its not like that"
"then please explain what it is like because it seems as if life isnt the problem, its me"
You roll your eyes slightly, "stop jumping to conclusions, you know first hand how bad the past months have been, between kaito, the pregnancy, school, work and the drama with you and I. I lost all my friends, I switched to online classes just for the situation, I have to manage everything, all of my shit including yours"
"What do you mean?"
"its just a lot, tae, I am only one person. I love you, I really do, and I wish you would calm down so I can explain."
He sits, face in his hands.
"Listen" you begin "everything is just a lot right now, this...loss..." you whisper "it was the sole decider for me to make the move to go back home for a while. I need to fix some shit, because im not the best person, and I need to be away from people"
"you sound so crazy"
You scoff, looking at him, "crazy?"
"yeah, crazy. so what? we break up? you know, couples dont just leave or abandon eachother when something bad happens, you turn to them when you need support, just as we done with everything else so far." he tries to plead with you, hands trembling a bit. "I know its a lot for you, I know your body is tired physically and mentally, and I can only imagine how the past 24 hours have been, but....you do realize that I am hurting as well? this doesnt just involve you, it was my baby too?"
You sink into your seat, sighing as you shake your head, "obviously I know that"
"then why are you acting like its only your problem?" he winced, "we....we are missing out on so many experiences. we will never get to hold or see that baby ever, you think that doesnt rip my fucking heart out y/n??" his voice wavered, now slightly louder as he tried to get you to see his side. "this is so selfish, you are being so selfish"
You felt tears seep into your eyes, quickly getting up so he doest see your reaction as you open the slider, feet guiding you back into the cold hotel room.
"yeah run away" he scoffs, tears streaming down his face as he attempts to follow you, tossing his jacket to the floor in rage.
"where will I be? where do I go?" he yelled, watching you silently search the closet as you rip clothes out, tossing them to the bed.
When you dont respond, he grows more upset and desperate. "so fuck me then? right? because my feelings on this dont matter?" he cried, standing at the door and watching you. "please tell me what ive done, what ive said, to make you feel like you cant talk or confide in me? why is there no comfort between us? what the fuck happened?"
Tears freely fell as you aggressively threw your suitcase together, you heard his words sink into your blood, your own emotions tugging at your heart as you tried to convince yourself you were capable of making your own choices. "its not a break up, its just some time away from everything, I will come back" you spoke, teeth gritted.
"you are being so selfish y/n" he shook his head in disbelief, "why am I not enough to help? why cant we both go to your moms?"
"because im tired!!" you yell, throwing the shoes in your hands.
He laughed, eyes scanning over you "you are tired? from what? ....oh I get it, me giving you every limb I have, spending my time and money on you must be so exhausting. Im just the fucking worst huh? Jesus, y/n, you are acting like I fucking punched you" he spit
You glared at him, pinching your thigh as he referred to Kaito "Im tired of drama following me everywhere I go. I never fucking asked you to give me anything, ever, at all." you whisper, eyes sinking into his. "How dare you say that to me....." you grew angry at your voice wavering "this was a mistake"
His eyes widened, "a mistake..?"
"yeah..." you scoff "a mistake, clearly the biggest one ive made" you were quick to wipe your eyes. "we should have stayed just friends, you feeling forced to provide and love me just because of the baby is pathetic. You dont have to worry about it anymore anyways, asshole" you spit, turning around.
He felt like he had gotten stabbed in the chest, his breath leaving his lungs as you sat there and accused him of not only not loving you, but the child. "y/n, you know nothing...you have no idea what you are saying"
"oh but I do"
"you are angry, and thats why you said that, I really hope thats the case...because what you just accused me of...." his voice was tight and shallow. "how can you say I only stayed because of the baby....who, by the way, I was willing to give up everything for"
"you felt compelled to, you dont have to lie anymore"
His tears continued to fall, he was shocked at your words. "y/n I love you and that baby more than anything....why are you saying this?"
He regretted yelling, and perhaps he said words that dug deeper than he meant them too, however what you threw back at him was worse than any conversation prior.
"Yeah well I dont even know if the baby was yours or Kaitos so It literally doesnt matter" you threw clothes into your bag "its gone anyways" you sobbed, "so just go on and do whatever the fuck you were doing before I pulled you down with me, okay?"
Taehyung gasped softly, eyes widening as he watched you.
You knew it was wrong, you regretted saying it as soon as it left your mouth, but you couldn't go back on it, not anymore.
"you....you dont?"
You didnt reply, instead, picking the pace up as you gathered your things.
"baby....baby talk to me this isnt funny anymore" he ran over to you, desperately seeking your attention. "look....i...I dont care if it was mine or not, I wouldnt have treated them any differently, baby please listen to me, its okay"
"taehyung I have to go" you whispered
"no..please my love, why are you....what did I do? im sorry...im sorry" he grasped your hand and fell onto his knee
"stop" you choked out, looking at him with tears in your eyes. "listen...Its not forever, just give me some space....please"
"why...this is so...." he whispered, crying as he looked up at you, "please think this through. let me come with you-"
"taehyung....look at me, Im not breaking up with you, I just need space, and if you wont let me do that..." you shrug, "then what are we doing here?"
He looks down at his hands
"thank you, okay? thank you for giving me all of this, and Im sorry it didnt work out, but we need to have time away so we can come back stronger, okay?" you choked out before going back to what you were doing.
Taehyung at some point in the conversation gave up at trying to convince you to stay, he realized his words were no longer effective, and you were gonna walk away from him no matter what he said.
He felt your grip loosen, specifically within the past few weeks. You were slowly slipping away and he knew it, but he didnt want to think it was anything you two couldnt fix, he needed you just as much as you needed him.
He knew he would wait, and if you left and needed space, then he would let you do so.
"fine..." he whispered, feeling one hundred percent defeated as his eyes watched you gather your things. "w-when....are you leaving?"
you sniffed, "tomorrow morning"
"i'll go with you to the airport" he said quickly, making your grasp on your bag tighten.
"okay" you mumbled.
Its not that you didnt love Kim Taehyung, its that you loved him too much to be wrapped in this drama with him all the time. Things will be well for a while then something happens, something always happens, and its not fair.
to either of you.
You regretted saying the baby thing the moment it came out of your mouth, but you were always bad at dealing with emotions. After some time alone with your mom you would need to do some major damage control.
You only wanted 2 weeks alone, its not like you were leaving for 2 years, why was he being so stubborn about this?
It was a fairly quite car trip at 6am the next morning to the airport.
The grey clouds that toppled over you set the tone of the day for taehyung as he parked among the cars in the lot. The last time you two were at this airport was when you arrived here, hopes high for not only the trip, but a positive change in eachothers future.
one that never came.
he walked you inside all the way to your gate, watching as crowds of people gathered nearby.
"well...." he whispered, watching the way his feet scuffed the floor beneath him.
"well..." you repeated, turning to look at him. "its only a few weeks"
Taehyung nodded, repeating the extent in his brain like it would reassure him.
"we will come out of this as better people" you mumbled, reaching up to hug his tightly, hands finding the familiar pattern of running down his back, squeezing him.
"I hope" he exhaled, hugging you just as tight.
Once you pulled away, your faces close together, you looked into his eyes and took every ounce within you to avoid tearing up. Before bed last night, you both discussed the properties of this situation, and what exactly it would entail. You apologized for your words, as did he, and now here you both were at the end of the terminal waiting for your plane to be called so you can head back to korea without him.
"about the baby...." you whispered, looking at him
"I know...you dont have to apologize again. y/n, I dont care who's it was, I honestly dont. nothing would have led me away from you" he reassured, "I just want to make sure you will be okay on the flight"
You nod slowly, "i will be fine, moms picking me up when I land so..."
"good, thats good"
"yup, and i'll text you when im at home okay?" you spoke
"got it"
"you'll wait for me?"
"i'll wait for you" he whispered, kissing your forehead.
"even if im the most awful person?"
Tae laughed softly "you arent, but even if you were, yes"
You nod sadly, finally allowing the tears to spill as he immediately hugged you close to his chest again. its not a goodbye, its a "see you later", right?
"dont cry...this is what you wanted"
You pull back, wiping your eyes "yeah...yeah"
The speaker above your heads announced boarding for your plane. Grabbing the tickets from your bag, you looked at taehyung once more and smiled weakly, "i'll see you, okay?"
He smiled, nodding "i'll be there when you need me" please need me
You waved, quickly turning so he wouldn't see you crying again as you made your way down the tunnel, your body now hidden behind the herd of other passengers.
"love you" he whispered to himself, stuffing his hands into his pockets as he realized his current state, alone.
He hasnt been alone in months, and it provided a certain uncomfy feeling that ran through his body, almost disturbing. He knew he would be returning to the hotel and packing so he could visit his own mother and father back in Busan. Explaining that situation to them will be its own event.
How could something so sweet and beautiful always find its way to trash? to devastation? it was what you two thrived on, and perhaps time apart was needed after all.
He would wait for you
He would wait for your laugh, your eyes, the way you whispered, the way you nagged him over being messy, or how you fussed when he forgot to eat again.
But....how long exactly would he do so?
taglist-
@turnthepageandbeburnt @taebangtanbabe @borahaexoxo @lelefoodlover @tan-veee
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wusyanam3 · 3 months
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merman richie x pirate stan
• Stan, captain (duh) was ordering his crew to fish because they needed food! So bill, mike, ben, and Eddie went fishing and they got a few good rounds of fish in with the net before something seemingly bigger gets caught.
• that bigger thing happens to be a MERMAID. or so they thought by sight of the tail. but no, it was a boy !!! so merman.
•The first thing the crew does is tell stan, who wasn’t around at the time. Stan realizes two things immediately. One, this was insane bcs he didnt think merfolk EXISTED. Two, holy shit he is GORGEOUS.
•He brings him to a huge ass bathtub that he just happened to have. Richie freaks out because oh my god he needs to get home bevs gonna FREAK OUT. but stan refuses to let him go because he needs to figure out wtf is even going on. and learns about him there.
• He eventually learns about him in there. his name is richie and hes the same age as stan (21). He lives right underneath where the ship was docked/located, thats why they caught him. He was a little too close to the surface.
• stan has to go after a little while of talking so he leaves richie there, and makes his crew check up on him every once in a while.
•one time eddie walks in to check on richie because stan told him to, but suddenly hes… hes not there. Well, he ends up being in stans room literally NAKED. eddie stares at richie speechless like wtf.
•eddie : "can you put your dick away."
richie : "whats a dick"
eddie, pointing at richie : "that."
richie : "DICKS ARE REAL???"
• I think its funny that merfolk would like, speak english. but some of the profanity that they say wouldnt have a meaning other than just angry words, like dick.
•One day stan gives richie a pearl necklace and stan doesnt take it off ever. Like never ever, ever.
(@jukethefish you didnt respond fast enough so im posting it)
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lizzie-is-here · 1 year
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like the dawn
part xvi- the storm
“i want you to always remember me. will you remember that i existed, and that i stood next to you here like this?” - haruki murakami
summary: the mad titan comes calling
wordcount: 1.9k (my tiny bby 🥺)
warnings: cussing (i think? idk honestly), lil fluff, violence ig, uhh infinity war but just the beginning, forgot bucky got the hot arm and had to include that, sad foreshadowing slay
taglist: @whelvedfeelingsstuff @sebsgirl71479 @rebloggingmyrecs @babyblublossom @local-mr-frog @thenyxsky @capsiclesdoll @moonlightreader649 @saranghaey @almosttoopizza @itsivymusic
a/n: IM BACK BITCHES. sorry this part is short but the next part is coming up very soon bc i’m excited to hopefully make y’all cry 👍 as always, love you, very proud of you, stay hydrated and eat something pls and hope u enjoy! this may not be my best work but i’ll make it up to you when… the stuff happens lmao 💀 happy 2023!!! 🤍🤍🤍
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“He came out of nowhere.”
You stare up at the holographic screen.
You’ve been back for barely a week, and there’s something new on the horizon. From out in space, a genocidal maniac has made himself known.
He calls himself Thanos. The last survivor of a planet whose civilization fell long ago. And he’s hunting for stones that can apparently control every part of the universe.
You’re lucky the team received the warning in time. Thor, Bruce Banner, and the remaining Asgardians had narrowly escaped the titan, and fled to Earth to warn you of the danger.
The god had asked a few questions about your wings, as fascinated by them as you were about the magical hammer he carried.
Despite what the others said, you quickly realized that Thor wasn’t dumb, not even dense. Just unaccustomed to modern life. Much like you and your boys.
Okay, maybe he was a little bit dense.
Alongside them, another addition had arrived in the form of a sorcerer by the name of Stephen Strange. His demeanor reminded you of a certain genius.
But there wasn’t time to worry about much other than preparing for the coming siege. There wasn’t time to warn the governments of the world. You needed to suit up. Quickly.
“What’s his objective?” Steve asks, one hand on the small of your back and the other entwined with Bucky’s flesh hand.
“He’s a plague,” Bruce rasps. “He invades planets. He takes what he wants. He wipes out half the population. He sent Loki.” He points to the rather greasy reformed god, who frowns.
“So this is it,” Tony hums. The billionaire is oddly composed, silently calculating. “What’s our timeline?”
“No telling. He has the Power and Space Stones. That already makes him the strongest creature in the whole universe. If he gets his hands on all six stones, Tony…”
Strange cuts in. “He could destroy life on a scale hitherto undreamt of.”
You wrinkle your nose a bit.
“Did you seriously just say ‘hitherto undreamt of’? God, you sound like my grandfather.” you ask.
“Are you seriously complaining about how I talk when you’re 100 years old?”
“Physically, I’m about 30, so-“
Bucky sighs. “Joacă frumos, păpușă [Play nice, doll].”
Tony speaks before you start arguing with the sorcerer again. “If Thanos needs all six, why don’t we just stick Mr. Sparkles’s stone down the garbage disposal?” he asks, gesturing to the Time Stone held in the amulet.
“No can do,” the man retorts. Wong, another sorcerer explains.
“We swore an oath to protect the Time Stone with our lives.”
Tony shrugs. “And I swore off dairy, but then Ben & Jerry’s named a flavor after me-“
“Ok, boys, how about we table this conversation for a time when we aren’t in danger,” Nat snaps.
“Ok, look, Thanos has the biggest army in the universe, and he’s not gonna stop until he gets… Vision’s stone.”
You nod. “Then we have to protect it.” The android, from his place staring out the window, disagrees.
“No, we have to destroy it. I’ve been giving a good deal of thought to this entity in my head. About its nature.” He pauses, stepping towards Wanda. “But also its composition. I think if it were exposed to a sufficiently powerful energy source, something very similar to its own signature, perhaps-“
Vision leans close to the girl. “-its molecular integrity could fail.” You knew what he was asking. All of you did. But no one wanted to say it.
“Yeah, and you with it,” Wanda chuckles, disbelieving. “We’re not having this conversation.”
“Eliminating the stone is the only way to be certain that Thanos can’t get it,” he presses.
“That’s too high a price.”
Your chest aches as the android gently takes her face in his hands.
“Only you have the power to pay it. Thanos threatens half the universe. One life cannot stand in the way of defeating him.”
“But it should,” Steve says. “We don’t trade lives, Vision.” You rest a hand on his arm, nodding when he looks to you for support.
“Captain, 70 years ago, you laid down your life to save how many millions of people?” Vision queries. Despite being a robot, his voice is laced with uncertainty. Fear. “Tell me, why is this any different?”
Tony, Bruce, and Peter look up from where they were discussing.
“Because you might have a choice,” the doctor says. “Your mind is made up of a complex construct of overlays. JARVIS, Ultron, Tony, me, the stone. All of them mixed together, all of them learning from one another.”
Wanda takes a sharp breath. “You’re saying Vision isn’t just the stone?”
“I’m saying that if we take out the stone, there’s still a whole lot of Vision left, perhaps the best parts.”
“Can we do that?” Nat asks.
Bruce shakes his head. “Not me, not here.”
Peter, as quiet as he’d been, raises his hand. “I know someone! And somewhere.”
You raise a brow. “So do I.”
“Shuri,” both of you say.
“How do you know her?” Bucky asks. The teen sheepishly shrugs.
“She started sending me advice on how to fix my suits from Instagram.”
FRIDAY’s voice echoed over the speakers. “Boss, something’s entered the atmosphere in lower Manhattan.”
Tony curses under his breath. “Shit, okay. We’ve gotta split up.”
“Okay, normally I’m all for your plans, but that seems like a horrible idea,” Sam says.
“We don’t have any other choice. You go to Wakanda, Thor and his crew can head into space to recruit any help we can get, and we’ll stay and handle this,” the billionaire says, gesturing to himself, Peter, and the sorcerers.
A knot forms in your gut. “And if it’s Thanos?”
No one responds. It’s a real possibility that none of you want to think about.
“Then we’ll hold him off until you get there.”
———————————————————————
The quinjet has never flown faster. A quick call to T’Challa and Shuri meant that you were rushing off the plane the moment you arrived, before the princess grabbed Bucky, Steve, and you.
“Come with me. I have an upgrade for that outdated arm of yours,” she calls.
“Is there time?” the brunet asks. Entering her lab, dozens of doctors hurry over. Bucky grabs yours and Steve’s hands, unsure of how to navigate this.
“It’ll be okay,” Steve assures. You nod, following as they lay him down on a table.
They’re unbelievably quick as they work, a hologram providing a view into everything going on. Within minutes, he’s gone under and they’ve started removing the heavy titanium.
Shuri herself carefully implants a new base for the arm, which clicks into place with little trouble. That’s when you see the arm.
It’s gold and black, crafted with careful detail but still bulky enough to balance out. You lift it gently, finding the weight to be much lighter than the old one. Vibranium.
Doctors take the arm from you with knowing smiles, precisely but swiftly locking it in place.
When he sits up minutes later, you hold your breath.
Flexing the new hand, Bucky stares in awe at the prosthetic.
“I… I can feel again.”
He reaches for you and Steve, and can’t believe it when he can truly feel your wings with his left hand. The sensation isn’t perfect, but he’ll take it over the cold, unfeeling HYDRA arm any day.
“What’s it like?” Steve asks, holding Bucky’s face with one hand.
“Perfect.”
A voice calls from the door.
“As cute as you three are, we’ve gotta hurry.” Nat holds up a projection. “Tony says Thanos isn’t in Manhattan.”
The rest of the group is hurrying in behind her, guiding Vision onto the operating table as Shuri prepares for a much more difficult procedure.
“The structure is polymorphic,” she comments.
Bruce nods. “Right, we had to attach each neuron non-sequentially.”
“Why didn’t you just reprogram the synapses to work collectively?” You don’t understand what they’re saying, but by the look on Bruce’s face, she’s made an excellent point.
“… Because we didn’t think of it.”
The girl purses her lips to hide a smile. “I’m sure you did your best.”
Wanda and Shuri begin to discuss the complications of the procedure, but you wander to the window. It’s too perfect. The sky is dappled with clouds and Wakanda is going on as normal as possible with the impending disaster looming on the horizon.
Right on cue, Sam’s voice rings through your earpiece.
“Hey, Cap, we got a situation here.”
You watch as a vessel crashes into the protective shield that surrounds the city, blowing up and leaving no damage.
“Don’t start celebrating yet. We got more incoming outside the dome,” Rhodey groans.
Fire blazes into view as more ships crash into the earth. You feel your heart rate increase.
“It’s too late, we need to destroy the stone now,” Vision says. The look on Wanda’s face is enough for you to shake your head.
“Get your ass back on that table,” you press.
T’Challa nods. “We will hold them off.”
Steve turns to the anxious Sokovian. “Wanda, as soon as that stone’s out of his head, you blow it to hell.”
“I will.”
———————————————————————
You soar above dozens of hovering vehicles as the aliens approach the barrier. It’s hard to get a clear view of the enemy, but below you, you can clearly spot Bruce in the Hulkbuster and Nat, Bucky, and Steve on a carrier. Beside you, Rhodey and Sam scope out the area.
One small disadvantage of your abilities. Flight comes naturally. No tech. No heat scanners or AI. No extra help. Just your powers and your wings.
At the tree line, one huge alien and one smaller one stop. The Wakandan forces fall into formation, and you watch from the air as Nat, Steve, and T’Challa go to face the two.
No surprise, it goes horribly. The crash-landed ships open, and you can make out hundreds of ugly, dog-like aliens barreling through the forest.
You land next to your boys just in time to hear Bucky mumble, “What the hell?”
“Looks like we pissed her off,” Nat mumbles.
“They’re killing themselves,” Okoye whispers in horror. She’s right. Only a few make it through the barrier before being immediately killed. The rest are sliced by the force field.
Bucky shoots down some and Bruce fires lasers while the Wakandans take out the rest.
At your side, you twist your hands. It’s been months since you’ve used your powers. Partly out of fear, but also as a way to forget all of the memories that came with them.
While you worry, one alien makes it through Bucky’s rain of gunfire, jumping towards you with a slavering mouth full of yellowed teeth.
Quick as ever, you swing out your hand, and the burst of light is so potent that it disintegrates on contact.
“Well, good to know that that still works,” Steve says, arm still raises from where he went to defend you. Twin shields are mounted on his wrists, with razor-sharp points.
“Cap, of these things circle the perimeter and get in behind us,” Bruce begins. “There’s nothing between them and Vision.
“Then we better keep ‘em in front of us,” Steve replies.
“How are we supposed to do that?” you ask. It’s not like you can tell them where to go.
T’Challa swallows. “We open the barrier.” He lifts a hand to his earpiece before you can protest. “On my signal, open North-West Section Seventeen.”
“This will be the end of Wakanda,” a man you don’t quite recognize says.
Okoye doesn’t hesitate. “Then it will be the noblest ending in history.”
Glancing to Steve and Bucky, then back to the barrier, you inhale sharply. “To the end of the line?”
“To the end of the line.”
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Okay now I NEED your opinion (or headcanons in general) on Rosekiller 🎤
looorrdddd alright im grabbing the microphone and tapping it gently. a loud screech of feedback rips through and everyone stops talking
umm so first there are many variations of rosekiller, more than any other ship imo so im just gonna talk about mine??? my rosekiller are like complete opposites but then you look closer and they're still complete opposites but in the other direction like.....they're what the other thinks they are. as in evan thinks he's not like barty but he's more like barty than barty is and barty thinks he's not evan but he's more evan than evan is. they're obsessed with each other. like unhealthily so. its a sickness, almost. they keep it under wraps, but there's this pull between them, a string of energy that connects them with the blaze of a thousand suns. its electrical, leaves them feeling insane rolling around in bed unable to sleep. imma put a keep reading cause this shit got long
barty is an intellectual. he's an alcoholic. he LOVES poppers (the drug lol), keeps a Rush labeled bottle with him at all times, sniffs it whenever, wherever. like he'll be sitting in the subway and just bring it up to his nose. he likes sweet things. eats sour keys like there's no tomorrow. he's really into music like its his whole personality. everything he wears and does is consciously curated even if to other people he looks like a dirtbag. he makes people think he sleeps around but really its just a carefully constructed image so he can be left alone to be a rotting decrepit being. god complex but is unaware of it. he thinks he's soooo sexy but its a coping mechanism for the inescapable self-hatred he feels for himself. he's flirty but kinda awkward with it like its almost forced because he thinks of everything he wants to say before saying it so he never comes off as uncool or bothered. he doesn't really exist to himself. when he looks in the mirror for too long, he dissociates. he doesn't think of his body as a body its just a vessel he can shove things into and see what happens. he's a science experiment to himself, which is why when he meets evan he becomes irrevocably hooked, cause finally someone else sees him as that too!!!! yay!!!!
speaking of evan. my evan is tricky cause im still getting to know him. i know he has a giant fish tank with only one beta fish in it. he gives it the best life. he sees people in colors, he hates impurities, dirt, dust, anything like that. he doesnt like the texture of dirty (except barty hheeehhoooo). he keeps handcream on him at all times and various medicinal packets like aspirin, cough drops, acetaminophen tablets, etc. he's always got an earphone in, for sure. listens to gay shit like depeche mode and pet shop boys with a deadpan expression. his eyes are often expressionless but he feels everything so much it makes him gag. sensitive to the bone. can read anyones energy within two seconds. he's very decisive. like he'll look at someone for five seconds and be like yeah ok i like you. loves nobody but his sister and his fish. evan is also bent on domination. he likes to control situations and he's not afraid of doing so. not in any manipulative way no he'll just be like "you're gonna do this and this will be the result."
there's so much more i wanna say but fuck yall are just gonna see it in the fic anyways so
thank you for your question!!!!! kisses
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molthethratrenerd · 2 months
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my gender
This is gonna be a long rant abt my gender so you do have to read it. I just need to say it.
Ok so ive been question my gender/sexuality for like 3-4 years now and i this was kinda it
Oh i'm a bi girl -> im pan girl -> lesbian -> pan she/they still a girl but queerer
Then like i was more worried about trying to figure out my sexuality right cause like i wanted to be kissed before my 16th (that didn't happen) 
Then like maybe mid 2022 i started thinking about gender and i knew 2 trans people but i was kinda like no that can't be me flashforward to march 2023 i got in to will wood and i was like ‘no way i'm in anyway trans but if i could be him i would’ and i like said to myself that i just thought he was attractive?? Then the same thing happened with the character jesse st james from glee which was even weird because there was no way i would want to date him, so thats when she/they pronouns came in i put it in my bio. Then kids from my class found out and made fun of it so i changed em back to she/her. 
Then since like september last year it feels like minimum weekly i’d either not be able to stop thinking abt gender or take way too many ‘what's my gender quizzes’ 
And like i feel its alway been in the day of my head, but its becoming more prevalent since then ive been like could i be non binary, genderfluid pintrest boards. At the beginning of the year i cut my hair again, which felt so good,.
So now somedays im having thoughts like ‘oh my fucking god why cant i drink something and be a guy’ ‘please for fucks sake’ though im nor sure id like to be a man im not 100% sure im a girl (im moving further from that). But like if there was like a magical thing i could drink do idk that would turn every inch into like robert smith between 1983-2004 id do it so quickly omg. 
And like it kinda hurts that i'm not idk (and ive never felt this for any girl celebrities)
And i kinda think they are also there those thoughts but some days theyre less i thinks thats just cus im distracting myself though i dont know i could be fluid. 
But i dont want to be any guy like the men in my family most of them are big i cant think of a better word then buffheads more so my dad but i could just not want to be like them i dont have a good relationship 
I dont think i HATE being a girl- i don't love it i like some parts but i dont think its things exclusive to girls say cause gender norms n stuff. 
I dont know if i have dysphoria because that fluctuates but im vision impaired so if i dont try and look at my body i forget some of it exists i really dont like my boobs or how clothes sit on my body think i like okay with having a cups (that i could easly hide if i wanted to  i dont but that cause also be cause by the pain they cause me.
My waist i like but only because that's the part of my body thats skinnest like my body was less shapely but that skinny id be elated.
But especially o the days i think abt it more but also all the time i do wish for more masc features eg adams apple more angular face bigger hands etc etc.Voices of weird one because my voice is in mezzo soprano range my speaking voice however in chest voice is kinda low  but I was self-conscious about it growing up because it made me stand out in different even though really it wasn't I think I just thought people were staring at me for no reason.  I think I only like my voice when I'm singing when I'm acting because I can imagine myself playing characters who aren't me but idk but if it was lower like high baritone or tenor id be like so fucking happy.
And like i Kind of want to try dressing differently but I can't because a I don't want my family to know certain pieces of clothing would be mens Not that they have a problem with it I'm assuming they could though but they probably just want to talk about it and I would not but also like  I remember one time I was at the shop called Factorie  and I wanted to get the Black Parade t-shirt but it was a mens shirt  and my god the amount of anxiety I had and the amount of people that I felt were staring at me I almost had a panic attack. 
And like I feel like if I ever did do anything about gender irl  I'd run away from everyone I know and cut of connections again not because I feel like they'd be bad about it but just I've built this thing around myself so long and I don't think I could even my queer friends like i dont know  my parents I'd feel like I'd be letting them down, and like 
But also so much for my childhood makes sense
Like when I was about 8 I got eczema for the first time and my first thought was ‘oh im turning into a boy… shit what am I gonna tell my parents’  which I don't even know why my brain made that jump but i hated my boobs sometimes more then others Once they got past a certain size,  when I had a pixie cut and a couple people in the street would mistake me for a boy felt exposed ‘like shh don't tell’ 
But I was also such a girly todder/ child  from like ages four Tube8 I would pride myself on being the girlest girl never wearing pants  because I kind of think it was trying to win that competition but I don't know         
I don't think anybody read this whole thing but if you did help me out or don't I don't care but I just needed to vent this 
m
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9w1ft · 7 months
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I’m a battle hardened kaylor at this point. Last night’s stunts just made me smile and laugh. But I remember what it was like when I was a baby kaylor and was upset every time something happened. There seems to be a lot of baby kaylors these days, which means our population is growing, so thats a positive! My advice to the newbies: becoming a kaylor is like taking a crash course in stoicism, but skipping right to the final exam. If you let these stunts bother you, you’ll be miserable. Just shake it off! We can’t control her, or the hetlors. We can only control who we engage with and our reactions. The sooner one realizes this the better.
(just a footnote for anybody new, baby kaylor is meant affectionately here. it’s how a lot of us describe anyone’s early days as a kaylor. you’ve got the most energy and enthusiasm and you experience the high highs that come with learning about all the lore or seeing something happen real time etc, but you also get the low lows of emotion as well)
yeah i think it’s important to learn to shake a lot of stuff off, like any sense of having to defend things against people who are going to take the opportunity to try and ruin your day, but in terms of bearding idk… i also think its important take it as an opportunity to reframe the way you think about it?
because its kind of what bearding is, historically speaking. so if you make it about morality or if you make every bearding action a bad sign or something to be mad about or sad about, then you’re gonna set yourself up for a world of hurt. bearding has existed in the entertainment industry and otherwise as a way for gay (umbrella term) people to redirect attention away from things they want to protect because of the society that we live in. it’s important of course to lament that society and to hope for a more free future for everyone, but i don’t think it’s something to feel bad about, if that makes sense.
and this isn’t me saying to like, go numb or to uphold the status quo. just to find ways for your pastimes to not get in the way of your life or the energy you need to make the world around you a better place. it can also be a chance to channel emotion you might feel about it into taking actions irl to leave a positive impact. im not sure i’ve ever said this before because i usually keep what i do in my life separate from what i do here, but i remember back in late 2018 i was left feeling very distraught but i took it as an opportunity to step up at work and i joined a team that changed some wording for benefits policies at my company, so as to be explicitly applicable to couples regardless of the gender of both partners (gay marriage is still not fully recognized by every prefecture in japan). there’s some other stuff i did too with that team and i still help them out with translating and stuff, whenever i can be helpful. even if small, i think there a lot of opportunities in our everyday lives to help someone out, even if it’s just helping a family that looks lost at a train station or something. and taking those small actions can help us take charge of our feelings even when the going gets rough. i didn’t mean to end this on a We Are The World type message lolol but i just mean that ultimately this fandom ought to be a place where we can get a little bit of joy out of the things that are joyful, and take other moments to get inspired to take actions in our real lives, where ultimately this pastime of ours is a net positive on our lives… if that makes sense. i think this is true of any hobby in your life, really.
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