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writingouthere · 4 months

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neighbor!Sukuna x singlemom!reader, you go to check out a potential apartment and Sukuna joins because he is very helpful. Longest one yet so strap in!

cw:Sukuna waving his red flag like a matador while you do your best SZA impression

Sukuna thought you seemed more stressed than usual when he got home. You still talked through dinner and entertained your daughter but he could tell something was weighing on you. While Bug chased some very melted ice cream around her bowl with her spoon, he brought over some dishes to where you had already started washing the pans you'd used to make dinner.

"Thought I was responsible for the dishes since you made dinner," he reminded you, gently nudging you out the way.

"It's really not a bother and besides, you're already doing us such a big favor, letting us stay here," you said and you sounded a little choked up at the end which made him turn the water off so he could give you his full attention.

"How many times do I have to tell you I don't mind?" He couldn't help some frustration edging into his tone which only made you look sadder. He sighed and dried his hands on the towel, a new addition you had gotten, it was covered in sunflowers and it reminded him of you every time he used it.

"What's going on, you seem off today?"

You hesitated and he put his hand on your shoulder. He preened when you put your smaller hand on top of his and squeezed before giving you his full attention.

"I-I went to go see an apartment today and it was just awful." Sukuna barely fixed his face in time for you to look up at him. He had no idea you were even looking at other places. You'd barely been at his place a month and he had thought you had a good routine going on. You both split the household responsibilities and you spent your time not working together. He picked up your daughter twice a week now from daycare and took over Sunday mornings so you had some time to yourself. Someone at the grocery store had cooed over your adorable family and you hadn't even corrected them.

Obviously, you still weren't getting it and Sukuna reminded himself that it wasn't your fault. It was still like pulling teeth to get you to talk about your ex and honestly what he'd heard about your family hadn't really impressed him either. You had been taking care of yourself for far too long and it only made sense that you would be worried about being a burden on him when other people had made you feel like that rather than seeing caring for you as the privilege it was.

"Why was the apartment so awful?"

You bit your lip and he felt some concern that wasn't related to you potentially leaving. "What?"

"It was the usual, you know. It was over my budget and it was too small, I mean Bug is getting bigger every day, she needs her own room too. Then the building looks like it's only days away from collapsing and the guy who showed it, I mean he was just such a creep."

"Creep, how?"

You sighed and squeezed his hand again, but he wasn't sure if it was for your sake or you were trying to calm him down since he was sure his anger was obvious.

"It doesn't matter-

"Of course it matters, you're trying to find a home for you and your kid and some guy is making you feel uncomfortable in the space you might end up living-"

"-well I'm not going to live there, so. Doesn't matter," you say stubbornly and Sukuna hums but doesn't argue.

It's clear this is weighing on you, and while Sukuna has no intention of you moving out, unless it's him along with you, he figures this is a two birds one stone situation. Because fuck him if he was going to let you wander around the city being harassed by some dumb fucks who thought they could take advantage of a single mom.

"Are you seeing any other places," he asked and you bit your lip.

"Well, there was this one other place but after today I'm not sure-"

"Let me go with you," he said and you looked up at him and well, with the tears just beginning to fill your eyes and the little glimmer of hope he could see peaking out, how could he do anything but assure you. "Let me go with you and you can look around the place without worrying about anyone bothering you. Besides, it would make me feel better if I could scope out the place you and Bug might be moving to. I want to make sure you'll be safe."

Of course, you two would be safe because you would be with him but whatever got him to the showing.

"What about Bug?"

"Yuuji can watch her. He's been dying to babysit since he met her."

This was true. Sukuna's brother was suspicious, rightfully, of Sukuna and his intentions towards you, but Bug's cuteness was a great distraction whenever the three of them were together.

"Okay, okay. Tomorrow, could he watch her tomorrow?"

"Let me call, him. Don't worry, I'll take care of you, okay?"

You nodded and Bug started calling for you both. You went over to give your toddler the attention she clearly wanted while Sukuna finished the dishes and thought over how he would handle this situation tomorrow.

-------------------------------------------

The next day, Yuuji showed up bright and early with the two idiots that were always with him these days. Sukuna rather liked the Fushiguro kid but the woman that was always with him still got on his last damn nerve. Her and Yuuji together were a threat to decency laws and his fucking eardrums.

"Morning! Where is my precious baby girl," Yuuji cooed stepping in as if he still lived there as Fushiguro gave him a quick nod and Kugisaki walked in without even a hello.

"She's not your baby," Sukuna said, shutting the door a little harder than necessary.

"Well, she isn't your baby either, so."

Before Sukuna could literally murder his brother, you came out with Bug on your hip.

"Uji!!" Your daughter loved Yuuji and you put her down so she could run over and greet her favorite uncle.

"Thank you so much for watching her," you said grabbing your purse off the counter. "Are these your friends from school?"

The two freeloaders introduced themselves while Yuuji started flying your daughter around like he was a plane. At least your daughter would be tired by the time you two got back.

"Let's get going, we got to get there by nine," Sukuna said, putting his hand on the small of your back and directing you towards the door. There were several loud calls of good-bye and good lucks as you two shut the door and made your way to the car.

When you get to the apartment, the super is waiting at the front door of the building. Sukuna sees him shoot you a smarmy grin that abruptly drops off when he takes Sukuna in.

"Good morning miss, I wasn't aware you were bringing your...."

"Partner," Sukuna states firmly and holds out his hand. "Pleasure," he says, sarcasm dripping from every syllable. You only look on in amusement as the fucker shakes his hand and then turns his eyes back on you, much more subdued than he'd been at first.

"Right, so the apartment is on the fourth floor. A walk-up but good way to stay in shape..."

He drones on as you and Sukuna follow behind.

"You cannot carry a stroller up four flights of stairs," he says in a tone that the super can definitely hear. "Bug also can't walk up four flights of stairs, especially after a whole day of daycare. Besides these stairs look like they might crumble and drop you to the fucking basement at any second." You smack his arm and the super looks pissed off until Sukuna stomps on a particularly wobbly stair for emphasis and he looks a little nervous. No way he was letting Bug walk up this deathtrap.

He keeps a running commentary of everything he sees, none of it good on the way to the apartment. The cracks in the ceiling, the chipped the paint, the flickering light on the third floor stairwell that makes him feel like they stepped into an 80's slasher flick. On and on he goes and he doesn't stop once they're in the shithole apartment itself.

A one bedroom, not nearly enough space for two, definitely not three which makes him even more irritated at the fact he clearly hadn't factored in at all to the choice in apartment.

He's in the middle of guessing outloud if the shower head would fall on top of you in the first week or the second when you snap.

"I know it's a piece of shit, Sukuna. I'm not an idiot, I'm desperate." You are more irritated than he's ever seen and the fucking creep of a super shoots him a smirk before Sukuna turns the full force of his glare on him. The man mumbles out something about giving them time to take in the space and leaves them alone, the door closing firmly in his haste.

"I don't think you're an idiot," Sukuna says, more calm than he feels because he definitely feels a type of way about all of this. "I just don't think this place is right for you or Bug. Do you expect me to apologize for caring?"

"Is that what this is? You come here to help me and all you've done is shit on the apartment and scare that poor man half to death."

"That poor man was fucking makes eyes at you until he saw me behind you."

"I know, but he got the point when you squeezed his hand so tight I think one of his knuckles popped!"

Sukuna snorted at that and even you seemed a little amused. You sighed and leaned against the wall behind you.

"I can't live with you forever Sukuna, we need a home."

Sukuna wanted to scream, to shake you and say that he was your home. Home for both of you but he knew you weren't ready to hear it and that if he misstepped you might end up living somewhere that seemed a strong breeze away from collapse.

"It's not forever," he finally said and this was true. You would need a new place soon, just not this place. "When I say I don't mind, I mean that I like having the two of you with me." You seemed a little surprised by this admission and Sukuna weighs his next words carefully.

"You're my friend and I care about you even if I have an unconventional way of showing you." You scoff and Sukuna presses on, he can see you softening. "Just wait a little longer. This place isn't good enough for the two of you but another place might be. I'd rather you stay with me longer and find the right place instead of rushing and choosing somewhere shitty because you think you're putting me out or something."

"What guy wants some mom and her kid crashing with him for months on end," you ask and you seem almost genuinely curious.

"You're not some mom, you're you and I happen to really like that kid." You smile and Sukuna knows he's got you. "I mean as we speak she's probably putting Yuuji and his loser friends through the ringer and that's reason enough to keep her around."

"You think anything will be broken by the time we get home," you ask and he feels the clump of blood and flesh that makes up his heart squeeze just a little tighter. Home.

"Oh, definitely but that's why we're not paying them for their services." You laugh and Sukuna walks a little closer to you. You watch him, a little confused but he thinks he sees some anticipation too as he closes in on your space and puts a hand on your cheek. He leans in and he knows he's not making it up that your eyelids flutter as he gets closer.

It's tempting but when Sukuna kisses you for the first time, it's not going to be in a place like this while some scumbag is probably listening through the door.

"Let's go home," he says and he presses a gentle kiss against your cheek. You'd done the same to him many times by now and he can see the appeal when he hears your sharp intake of breath and finds himself surrounded by the smell of your shampoo.

While your quest to find an apartment was unsuccessful, Sukuna thinks that important progress was made today. It fills him with a sense of contentment that manages to sustain him even as the two of you come home to an apartment overflowing with chaos and a spiderweb of cracks across his tv.

When he goes to kick Yuuji's ass, Bug makes sure to lend her support to her poor uncle by clinging to Sukuna's leg and laughing while the two men roll around on the floor to your amusement.

Like he would ever let you leave this.

also people have been suggesting that I make a masterlist or create some sort of tags and while I know what these are(kind of), I'm also not sure the specifics so any advice on how to make this all easier to find would be appreciated! I've been creeping on tumblr for literally over a decade but never written like this before.

#jjk sukuna #jjk x reader #jujutsu kaisen sukuna #ryomen sukuna #sukuna ryomen #sukuna x reader #sukuna x singlemomreader #sukuna x y/n #sukuna x you

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cozymoko · 1 year

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Tw EATING DISORDER

what would the sakamakis+tsukanamis do when they realize their s/o is developing an eating disorder?

S/O WITH EATING DISORDER — SAKAMAKI

Note: I can only put a certain amount of pictures in per request so if you still want the Tsukinamis' please feel free to request again once my ask box is open!

Pairing: Sakamaki Brothers x gn! reader

Format: Headcanons

WARNING(S): eating disorder, force feeding, insensitive comments

Want more Diabolik lovers? → Masterlist! ★

SHU SAKAMAKI

Though not the most well-informed, he's far from being an idiot. He was already suspicious when you either faked eating during dinner or attempted to force the food down your throat. It was painfully evident. And when he found you bent over a toilet, retching out the remains, that was all the proof he needed.

Shu can't force you to do anything and he's aware of that, but he will still encourage you to do so. Frankly, he'd rather not have you starve to death due to your own stubbornness. Shu will follow you to hell and then bring you right back. He'll even try to play therapist and listen to what kick-started your god-awful eating habits.

“Haah, what a piece of work. You must really want to give me a heart attack, hm? Learn to rely on me, don't make me worry so much next time.”

REIJI SAKAMAKI

Out of all his brothers, Reiji will be the most understanding. Most of the Sakamaki has very limited knowledge involving the human body but he does not. After plunging his head in many books on the matter, that much should be clear. Thus it's likely you won't have too much trouble confining in him because of that.

There's no need for you to go hungry in any way while living in the manor. Despite how annoyed he may come off, Reiji is willing to go through all the potential solutions to lessen this burden on you. However, he does still remain the same in some aspects, threatening to punish you if you don't put forth some effort to eat.

“I've noticed your eating habits have become rather strange. Very well, I will create a new diet for you to regain your strength. It would be best that you follow it.”

AYATO SAKAMAKI

Unfortunately, he's pretty insensitive to things like this. He has no knowledge of mental health (though having plenty of his own) so Ayato won't try to act as he does. He'll probably say something terribly ignorant or even try to shove food down your throat, then turn around and wonder why you're so pissed at him.

It will take someone to smack some sense into him so he understands the severity of it. Even then he lacks the sentiments to truly comprehend what you're going through. But realistically, he'll probably push it off onto Reiji in the end. Of course, he cares, but such a "detailed" condition isn't his forte.

“Geez, just how long were you planning on keeping this from me? You belong to 'yours truly', and it'd be such a pain if you get any weaker. So rely on me, got it!”

KANATO SAKAMAKI

This is the last person I'd want to be stuck with in a situation like this. He's an absolute idiot on things like this, hands down. (I hate Kanato) In his mind, dolls don't have to eat so you must be perfectly fine, right? Expect you aren't a doll, nor a vampire at that so, of course, you need to eat.

As the days go by you grow noticbly weaker with no desire to do anything but wallow in your despair. Only then did he begin to take things seriously. The triplet has the most insufficient approach ever, it's not even comforting. Kanato will attempt to feed you and then get mad when you reject it. Despite his apparent concern, I highly doubt it'd make up for his thoughtlessness.

“You've grown so weak...Uu...why won't you talk to me? Uu...Don't you care for my feelings? I won't allow you to die on me; you can't leave me! I'll make sure of it!”

LAITO SAKAMAKI

He knows what an eating disorder is as Laito's been with his fair share of women. But that doesn't mean he's educated on the matter. Laito notices your standoffish demeanor right away, carefully eyeing you as he immediately puts two and two together. Yet, he won't act on it until he can find the root of your eating disorder. After all, we must start from the source~!

It'd be a shame if his favorite toy grew terribly ill so he offers to help you. Spending several hours arranging a new diet for you, feeding you small portions, and certainly boosting your confidence in the late hours of the night. Though he doesn't show it, Laito truly cares for your well-being and will do just about anything to ensure your recovery.

“You've been looking at your reflection for quite some time, little bitch. Have I not been tending to you enough~? Fufu, that won't do! Shall I fix that for you~?”

SUBARU SAKAMAKI

Once he found out about your eating disorder, Subaru loses it. His anger is in some way directed at you for not telling him; but also at himself for being so clueless about it. As you'd expect, his first course of action is intimidating you into eating, but a quiet whimper will stop him dead in his tracks. This calls for a different approach.

Subaru looks to Reiji for guidance, which comes as no shock. The vampire is in no place to be taking care of a human in any mental aspect, regardless of them being his lover. Even with this newfound information, it will do very little to decrease his snappiness towards you. But he's just worried and sure as hell doesn't wanna lose you!

“Don't push yourself too much, alright? Tch, 'worried?', it's not like that so shut up, damnit! I just...don't want you to leave me in the dark anymore...”

#—🍁#x reader #diabolik lovers shu #diabolik lovers reiji #diabolik lovers ayato #diabolik lovers laito #diabolik lovers subaru #diabolik lovers kanato #diabolik lovers headcanons #diabolik lovers scenarios #diabolik lovers x reader #diaboys #shu sakamaki #reiji sakamaki #ayato sakamaki #kanato sakamaki #laito sakamaki #subaru sakamaki #diabolik lovers

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sykestarot · 5 months

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how does your crush feel about you?

1-2-3 (left to right)

I do not own any of these images

Hi everyone! Sorry about last week and not being able to post my internet was out ! :( I hope y'all enjoy this weeks reading there are some tough messages in here so please proceed with caution and remember that these are all made with your highest good in mind! Also don't forget to check the patreon :)! Thanks for stopping by!

Pile 1

"you don't intend to do anything you say at all"

(7 of wands; The Lovers (rx); 2 of swords; King of Cups; The Hierophant (rx); 4 of pentacles (rx)) So pile one your energy is that of someone who is very out of balance. Whether that be because of your ability to disassociate and make up a fantasy or because life has just been hard recently, I see that this out of balance energy affects your perception of the situation with your crush. I feel like you guys have known each other for a while and for you you truly believe that you guys are soulmates and meant to have the kids, the house, the white picket fence, but I see that they don’t see it that way. I feel like this person sees you and goes, ”well maybe it could work, we’ve known each other for a long time.” Which is shitty because I feel like they are aware of how you feel about them. I feel like they string you along on these awful ups and downs of will they, won't theys. I see that the love you carry for this person is so pure that they love bathing in it, you make this person feel so worthy of everything and they make you feel so much less than worthy to have them. I feel like in regards to you just want them to have even an ounce of the love that you hold for them and I think maybe when you were younger they really earnestly tried, but now it's purely taking advantage of you. I think perhaps they keep you as a friend but walk the line of flirting and when you bring things up about being serious they freak out and gaslight you into thinking you just read too much into it. I feel this situation has made you very anxious and it’s taking a toll on your mental health. I also feel like you are acutely aware of the situation and are choosing not to make changes because you’re afraid this person will leave your life. I’m so sorry pile 1, I know this probably isn’t what you wanted to hear, you deserve so much better, and I promise you there is someone out there who will love you for you and appreciate all that you have to offer. I hope you are able to see just how valuable you are. Signs: mornings; fog; dew; green plants; sunsets; nights at the beach; drives at night; cologne; lonely nights; full moons; Lexus?

Pile 2

"but i can see us lost in the memory"

(Ace of Swords (rx); 6 of wands; Page of Swords (rx); 2 of swords (rx); The High Priestess (rx); The Tower) Hi Pile 2! So for you guys I feel like this might’ve been a summer fling, or someone you met while being home from college in the summer. I see that this person thinks about you all the time. I feel like you rocked their world (spicy!). I also feel like they are upset by how far away you guys are from each other. So this is definitely a long distance, maybe even internet crush? I feel like you guys don’t communicate though, like you guys resumed your lives after one of you left but you both still sit there and think about each other. I see that there’s even a loss of interest in others where they are because of you. They might feel like they don’t want to bother you and communicate that they have feelings for you because they feel like you’re a catch and probably don’t want them the way that they want you. I also feel like they don’t want the burden of a long distance connection, not because they aren’t loyal but because they want to be near you if they’re committed to you. I see them day dreaming about a future with you and wondering how often you think of them. I think they’re under the impression that you weren’t that into them, which is funny because they’re your crush too! I see that this person would rather leave it up to fate to see if you guys end up together rather than going out of their way to confess to you, but I also feel like if you confessed they’d be over the moon. I feel like they’re the romantic type and want to bring you flowers and cook you dinner. I also feel LOTS of sexual energy surrounding this. Like you stay living in their head if ykwim. This piles all giggles and passion I love that for you! I’m under the assumption that them leaving it up to fate means at some point you guys will be in the same general area again, or it is highly likely that you will be in the future. This person is probably in love with you honestly. I feel like this also has a heavy right person wrong time energy as well. Signs: 777; 333; 444; music; beaches; lipstick kisses; brown hair; tanned skin; pool days; stolen glances; teasing; holding hands under the table; dimples; smirks

Pile 3

"i can wish all i want, but it won't bring us together"

(4 of cups; The Chariot (rx); 7 of cups (rx); 8 of wands; 2 of pentacles; The Hermit) Pile 3! I feel like your crush is interested in you but also has interest in others. Not necessarily in a bad way but more like a “we’re young and I want to explore my options” kind of way. I see though that they are having a hard time taking any type of control in their life and need lots of time alone to make decisions. I do feel like there is genuine feelings between you two and likely not between them and another person, however I feel like this might have something to do with societal pressure to be a playboy or maybe friends influencing decisions that this person makes. I see them wanting to communicate feelings for you but then stepping back and questioning if they should or not. I feel like they don’t want to hurt you and telling you that they want to keep things open would fill them with some sense of guilt tbh. They are so out of balance in terms of just energy to get through the day. I feel like they keep pushing through their days by just counting down till they can go to sleep. I see them not wanting to deal with anything other than what they’re going through. Which is absolutely selfish but it almost seems necessary at this point in time. This person might be creative and lacking in energy to create and that’s having an effect on their day to day life as well. I feel like this person would do well with having a diary and maybe seeing their thoughts on paper would make them realize how they feel. I also feel like this pile might be the in a relationship pile. Like you guys have been going out for a while and there are deep feelings that surround this connection. All in all I feel like this could be an identity crisis and you should only stick around for as long as your willing and what makes it worth it to you. Remember your worth Pile 3! Signs: 9; white sports car; ocean; nice house; travel; hikes; gold course; swans; crossroads; indefinite; spilled coffee; resting head on shoulder; white shirts

#spotify #pick a card reading #reading tarot #channeled message #channeled song #channeling #divination #law of attraction #pac #pap #spiritual #spirituality #spiritual awakening #spiritualgrowth #tarot reading #tarot cards #tarot #channeled art

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ikamigami · 1 year

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Regarding Sun's mental issues

I know that there are people who are looking at Sun's situation optimistically but I have to add a grain of salt, I mean a little bit of realism (you can call this view more pessimistic if that's what will make you feel better).

So I saw that some people think that Sun's state got better... which is far from truth. They also think that Sun is doing fine as Moon's and Earth's leader... but they're forgetting about the fact that he has to be the leader. Even if he may not want to be, he has to be because a) Earth is completely new in the Daycare and b) Moon doesn't remember anything. Sun doesn't have any choice in that matter. Like unfortunately usually. It's such a common thing in Sun's life that Sun probably just goes with the flow. Things just happen and Sun adapts himself to the situation... while completely disregarding his own mental health.

I can guarantee you that Sun is barely living right now. If I'm being honest Sun is probably putting up a brave facade for New Moon's and Earth's sake! I doubt he's feeling great or even just better. He's repressing grief after Lunar's death, mind you! Sun just barely keeps going.

I hope that people will realise that what's going on with Sun right now can't end well for him. He won't save the day. His mental health is deteriorating more and more. He's ignoring his own needs and issues again! He doesn't talk about his problems and feelings again! Hallucinations didn't disappear completely because it doesn't work like that. Earth helped him twice but it wasn't enough. She didn't magically healed Sun's broken mind. Because it doesn't work like that. Sun is still broken.

And he's only getting worse because others don't know where the problem truly lays. And unfortunately neither Earth nor Moon don't try to talk things out with Sun. Even if they should! Sun won't open up on his own because he doesn't want to be a burden to them!

I wanted to clarify that. And I'll repeat once again. Sun won't save the day. He's the one who needs saving. Sun is in such poor state of mind and yet people seem to ignore it.

Same goes for people who think that Sun's grown up and he matured. Technically, yes. But how Sun matured? At what cost he's grown up like others state? Yet again, Sun had to "mature". I put that in quotation marks because becoming mature the way Sun did is very unhealthy. He was mostly forced to make really hard decisions such as "should I expell Eclipse from my head or not", "should I shot Bloodmoon in order to protect myself and my family or not", "should I take drastic measures to protect those I love or not" and Sun often had to make those decisions quickly. He's more traumatised than anything else...

Sun can't solve his problems on his own because he has such issues which are too much for him to deal with them alone.

And I'm still afraid that Sun will end up harming himself badly or he'll just straight up try to kill himself. I can't shake this awful feeling I have whenever I think about what future lays ahead of Sun.

I hope that everything is written somewhat coherently. My thoughts are jumbled all over the place. And I hope that people will finally realise that Sun needs so much more help and therapy than he's already gotten. Earth just barely scratched the surface of Sun's issues. So please, please! I beg you! Stop expecting that Sun will heal over time and only time, alone without any help because it won't work in this case due to the poor mental state Sun is in.

#sun and moon show #sun and moon show sun #fnaf sb #fnaf sun #sun and moon show moon #sams sun #fnaf moon #sams moon #sun and moon show lunar #sams lunar #sun and moon show earth #sams earth #tw harm #tw hallucinations #tw sui #tw mental health #tw grief

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phantomdecibel · 9 months

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Thank you so much <3

Personal answers aren't for anon, unfortunately :/

I think that I'm bothering a few people, both on here and irl, who are too nice to tell me that I'm annoying them. Because irl I see their expressions when they think I'm not looking. It doesn't seem like I'm wanted around.

And on here, well... I don't know, it seems like I'm troubling people every time I go say hi, or @ them in something, stuff like that. They have their own lives and I'm just, well, here

Sorry if it's a lot

-🌺

Aw shit :(

I get that – feeling unwanted can really make you feel awful and mess you up. It can be good to keep in mind that the only way to know what they’re thinking is to ask (which yeah, that’s terrifying haha). Sure, you can’t know if they’re thinking anything good about you, but you also can’t know if they’re thinking anything bad! Unfortunately there is always the risk that someone we adore doesn’t quite feel the same (I mean this platonically if that’s not obvious lol), but there could also be a million reasons why they’re making faces!

They could be working themselves really hard outside of when they see you, and are exhausted, but don’t want to bother you, so they try and smile and act like nothings wrong, until they think you can’t see them, because they don’t want to worry you, or bring down the mood.

It could be that they’ve got work or school or a sport they don’t want to do or they’re going to visit that one family member who always pushes their buttons whenever they see them after they’re done hanging out with you, and they’re thinking about that, and when they’re not talking to someone who makes them smile, it really distracts them and they make a face

Maybe that’s just their face, when they’re not really making any expression it looks like they’re frowning, or annoyed, so they always try to smile whenever someone’s looking. There’s a thousand different maybes

And here on tumblr – everyone has their own writing style, you can’t see expressions, etc etc. If you’re worried you’re bothering someone, send them an anon asking if they mind being @ ed or answering asks. I’m positive that the people you talk to care a great deal about you, and absolutely don’t mind you interacting with them :], we’re all just kinda hanging around

People can be exhausting, and terrifying, and confusing, but don’t give up on them, or yourself. Relationships of any kind take work and effort, even with the people you click with. You didn’t say you were going to and you didn’t ask for advice, so sorry if this a a bit unsolicited, but from personal experience, don’t try and pull away from them (unless you don’t like them or the relationship is toxic). If they’re still hanging out with you then they probably do still like and care about you, plus, there might be comfort in loneliness, but it also hurts more than you ever expect. It really is terrifying, but communication can go a long way, even if it’s just asking them if they’re in the mood to talk, or listen to you talk, or if they’d prefer to just hang out in silence

And most importantly – we are human. We are here to annoy and bug our friends and family. Everyone hates to hear it, but we are here to be, at least somewhat of a burden. That is what friendship is; to hold and to be held up by others. Everyone wants to be there for the people we love but never let them do the same – but that’s not how a good, healthy relationship works. It is a mutual give and take, it works both ways.

Being a burden or annoying at times does not make us any less loved. It is not a bad thing. We, as humans, are meant to be held up by those who love us. We are meant to have a shoulder to cry on. We are not perfect, and we are loved regardless

Even if it doesn’t feel like it you are wanted. And as you grow and live, people will leave, and people will stay, and you will find new people to want you

And one day, you will laugh, and you will stare up at the stars and see that they are never alone, no matter how far apart they are, just like you. And you will smile, and you will call someone you love, and you will be wanted.

#nothing to apologize for dw!

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oncetherenowhere · 24 days

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And so we arrive to the laying in bed crying while hating myself portion of my day off.

I wish I didn't hate myself with such totality. I've gone through periods of my life where I've really tried to love myself the best I could. I just can't do it anymore. Its hard to love yourself when the world doesn't want you to exist. I don't have it in me to be rebellious anymore. I just hate this person...this body. I can't make friends anymore. I feel like I need to protect the world from myself. I'm too much of an annoyance, too much of a bother.

I'm so sick of going to work, and waiting for the weekend, and trying to relax, and just...doing it over and over again. The loneliness hurts. The alienation hurts. The fear of the outside world hurts. The lack of patience and understanding hurts.

How can I try to recover from my past if the overwhelming message from the world around me seems to say, "The people who hurt you were right. You are a mistake. You are a burden. You are worth less than everyone else."

I'm at the point where any act of kindness makes me frightened because it feels so completely wrong. Feeling good terrifies me. Going outside terrifies me.

I don't even want to go to work. I'm starting to hate my job. I want to lock myself up inside, and never come out again. I want to shut all my windows, and live in this bedroom. I want to live with my white noise machine, and my stuffed animals, and I want to rot. I think that's all I'm good for. I have nothing to contribute, there's not a useful bone in my body.

If I was a house-spouse, I could at least put all my effort into making H happy. Then, I'd have one person I'd be useful to. I don't even make enough money to be useful, anyways.

I know H loves me. I think if he read this, he would cry. I think it would make him feel sad to read about how much pain I feel on a daily basis. I'm so tired of making him sad. He deserves to be happy. He deserves someone stable, and well adjusted. I've done a lot of work on myself to be a decent partner, at least.

Some awful part of me wishes I could delete most of myself, and live as a robot. I think I would thrive as a ChatGPT program or something.

I hate how selfish I am. I have one person who loves me very much. I should be grateful- I am grateful, I swear. I'm so grateful for H. I've loved him for so long, and the one glorious thing in my life is that he loves me back.

When I married him, I made a promise to be his life companion. I can't give up and be nothing. I've got to keep trying. I'm just so sick of trying. I'm sick of crying until I throw up. I'm sick of the bad sensory feelings, and the meltdowns, and the disdain of strangers. I'm sick of being bullied. I'm sick of driving people away.

I know my mom loves me, too. She used to hurt me so badly. She used to be so mean to me. The thing is, she knows that. She's tried to make it up to me. She's apologized, and still gets haunted by how cruel she used to be. I hate torturing her with her worst moments. I'm just grateful that she thinks she messed up, and wants to love me anyways. I wish my mom was here right now. I wish she wasn't so far away. I could really use a hug. I really need a hug.

So, okay, okay. I have two people who love me. That's a lot. I really am grateful. Mom is states away, and H is working...and I can't go to H every time I feel like this. I just can't. He deals with so much already. I don't want to tire him out. It isn't fair to dump everything on your spouse.

When I was a kid, I was really good at imagining myself being comforted. I'd imagine my favorite characters comforting me, I'd use it as fuel to write stories. I can't even do that anymore. Sometimes it feels like that part of my brain is gone, and it makes me angry. It used to be legitimately helpful. I just can't seem to believe in anything anymore. I can't even have a fantasy where someone is sweet to me. What a joke.

#journal #vent #tw ableism #tw depressing thoughts

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boringyaoi · 7 months

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this is an original work please do not copy/ repost this work without the author's express permission

part 2/?

tags - slowburn, mlm pairing, period piece, two dumb idiots who don't know what love is, this one gets a little sad

1.5k words + read more under the cut

(An excerpt from a later night at Sterling Manor.)

Time had done much for Deus’s fondness for the man, but not nearly as much for their closeness. Though they had continued to meet in Deus’s room most nights, their conversations never strayed far into personal matters and their meetings never wandered far from his quarters. The man was exceptional at skirting around every personal detail no matter how hard Deus seemed to pry. Every attempt to simply learn his name had failed miserably. He knew he could always just ask father or even Lady Aniri, but it wasn’t just about knowing his name at this point. It was more of a challenge, a test to see if Deus could get the man to do more than what father asked of him.

He had a deep sinking feeling in his chest every time the man came around. An awful feeling somewhere deep down that the man was simply putting up with him, staying around because his father was worried about him being alone. It hurt more than he’d like to admit, the thought that he was just another chore to him, another burden he could take on to help father.

He still didn’t know how the man came to live here. Something told him he wasn’t just another servant. Father treated him like a son, even more than him and Asmo, another painful truth he’d rather not admit to himself. Father was oh so kind to him, never asking the man to do anything yet Deus swore he never saw him idle. During the day, the man borderline ignored him. Early on into their friendship, (friendship is a strong word, Deus thought to himself) Deus had tried to talk to him throughout the day. He had approached him in the kitchens asking him his opinions on the lunch that had just been served and the man had answered him simply, with no familiarity. Later that day, he once again tried talking to him, this time in the library. He asked the man for a recommendation, complaining of the fantasy selections his father kept. The man, seemingly not amused, told him that his brother had most of the fantasy novels holed up in his room and walked off. It was frustrating, to say the least, to see someone you once brushed off do the same to you.

Deus knew he was one to talk, though. He remembered just how brash he was upon their first real interaction, how he almost turned him away completely that night. It was slightly embarrassing now that he was practically begging the man for even a shred of his personal life. Deus never was one to give up, especially when the challenge seemed impossible.

That night, Deus awaited the man with an arsenal of pointed questions. He sat in that awful armchair (only because it faced the door, he told himself) and couldn’t help but notice the strange smell that engulfed him. It smelled oddly clean with deeper notes of musk and sweat and maybe even a hint of smoke. It was nothing like the cologne he used and even if it was he hasn’t sat in this chair for a long while. The smell itself was enough to make him a bit lightheaded, though he found he didn’t quite mind. It was comforting, even if it was wildy strong. Deus found himself purposefully sinking further into the chair, laying his face against the cushions with a content sigh.

The familiar sound of the man’s footsteps echoed down the hallway, the rhythm almost lulling him to sleep. He jerked awake at the sound of two short knocks tapping on his door. “Amadeus?” a familiar voice rang out. “Coming”, he called out in return, for the first time missing the feeling of the armchair as he pushed himself up. “A little late tonight aren’t we?” Deus asked as he opened the door. The man looked down at him with narrowed eyes, “I do not think so.” Deus took a step back, letting him enter the room. “I pride myself on my punctuality”, the man said with a smile in his voice as he walked past him to the window sill. As he walked past, Deus couldn’t help but get a whiff of a familiar scent.

“Coming?”, the man called from the window, already seeming comfortable. “Yeah”, Deus replied, almost in a daze, “I’m sorry, what is that smell?” He couldn’t help but ask, it was just so familiar. “Smell?” the man replied, his eyes following Deus as he came to join him on the window sill. “Yeah”, he sat down next to him, leaving a generous gap, “you smell……” He took a second to think (arguably for the first time ever). Deus looked down at his hands, picking at the skin around his nails. “Yeah, you smell really strong.” The man turned to face him, cocking his head, “Do you mean bad?” Before Deus could contradict him the man went on, “If I smell bad I can go and uh, freshen up if that would please you?” The man didn’t sound a bit embarrassed, his voice having the same deep, patient drawl as it always did. “No! No, it’s quite alright. I just”, Deus’s eyes stayed glued to his hands, “Your scent must’ve rubbed off on the chair the other night. I was sitting in it while I was waiting for you and it actually smelled good for once”, he laughed to himself, far too embarrassed to make eye contact. “You could have just told me I smelled good”, the man chuckled dry and brief but a chuckle all the same. Deus looked up at him with a crooked smile, “And give you the satisfaction? I would never.” The skin around the man’s eyes crinkled, a smile surely hiding beneath his mask.

A moment passed between them where neither of them quite knew what to say, the silence not uncomfortable but thick with anticipation. “So”, the man ventured, “I saw you patrolling the gardens earlier today.” Deus raised an eyebrow, “And what of it?” The man rolled his eyes, “I thought it was odd, I do not often see you wandering the gardens.” Deus turned to face him, brows furrowed, “I’m in the gardens all the time.” “Well yes”, the man replied, “but normally you sit by the jasmine with a novel. It was simply out of the ordinary to see you walking around without a book.” Deus could hear the smile in his voice. “First of all, I finished the book I was reading and sadly haven’t found another one to pique my interest yet. Secondly, do you make a hobby of keeping track of my garden habits?” Deus did often sit in the garden when he was reading. His father had been the one to suggest it, he said if Deus must have his nose in a book he might as well get some fresh air. “Not really”, the man shrugged, “you just have this habit of bumbling about the estate so much it is hard not to notice where you are.” Deus gasped, hand to his chest in dramatic offense, “how rude.” He laughed as he fully turned himself to face the man, crossing his legs over each other on the window sill. “I think I’m rather graceful, for your information”, he stuck his nose in the air, feigning arrogance.

“Do you enjoy the gardens or are you just there upon Lord Sterling’s request?” The man keeps his hands clasped in his lap, posture annoyingly perfect. “A bit of both”, Deus sighs, “Father does prefer me not to be in my room, but I also quite enjoy the gardens.” He smiles softly, “I would sit in the gardens at the Academy as well, it was a much needed moment of peace.” “Ah”, the man’s voice softened, “I didn’t know the Academy had gardens.” Deus’s shoulders slumped as he realized the hole he’d dug himself into. “They did. They weren’t as nice though, they never had any jasmine.” The man turned to face him, “I assume jasmine must be a favorite then.” The man’s voice peaked with curiosity. “Of sorts”, Deus shrugged, “They were my mother’s favorite.” he smiled to himself, a twinge of grief panging in his heart. “Father always brought them back for her, it was his way of saying he loved her”, he fought back tears, his chest tightening. “I’ll have to make sure we keep replanting it then”, the man said softly, his voice rumbling in the back of his throat. Deus smiled down at his hands, almost picking his fingers raw.

“You should ask your brother about the book he finished reading recently”, the man checked his watch, “Lady Aniri tells me he quite enjoyed it, he says it might be the best fantasy novel in recent years.” Deus couldn’t bring himself to say anything, his throat closing up, He only gave a simple nod in reply. “Goodnight, Amadeus. It has been a pleasure as always.” The man rises from the window sill and walks to the door, looking back only once before he gently closes the door. Leaving Deus to fight back tears illuminated by moonlight alone.

(End excerpt from a later night at Sterling Manor.)

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5sosxqueen · 2 years

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Luke's Stomach Virus

< Part 1 , < Part 2 , ~Part 3~

If you've read this far, thank you! Hopefully, you have enjoyed the story so far. I'm not going to lie, I was cringing so bad while editing this one. If I could go back and write this story differently, I would (oh wait, I have 🤣), but you guys are getting the raw unedited version from 2018. I want to truly show everyone my progress in my writing throughout the years.

Warnings: graphic depictions of illness, fainting, scat/accidental messing, brief panic attack, ambulances, hospital scene, seizure mention, bad grammer

Written in 2018

Word Count:

Updates are every Tuesdays and Thursdays

Also Available on Wattpad and AO3!!!

Part 3:

Luke's p.o.v:

I woke up feeling overall awful. My stomach was still in shambles, my head felt like it was well past the point of expulsion, my body felt like all of my muscles had been torn, and to top it all off I was having cramps in my lower stomach signifying that I would need to make a rather rapid trip to the bathroom. I tried to get up but my body was too weak. "Mich-" i tried to yell for Michael before I felt the familiar feeling of vomit rush up my throat. 'Please not now' I thought thickly swallowing. To my relief swallowing worked. "Michael..." I waited a couple of seconds but heard no-one coming. "MICHAEL HELP!!" With that Michael and Ashton came running into the tiny room. "I can't get up and I need to go-" I was once again cut off by vomit, only this time with much more force than before. I pressed my hand tightly against my mouth and heaved into it, which in turn caused vomit to spew through my fingers. I removed my hand from my mouth not being able to hold it in any longer. To my horror I felt a warm, disgustingly mushy, mess forming in my pants and I couldn't do anything about it. Michael sat down on the bed and started rubbing my back as I lost it from both ends violently. Once I finished vomiting and was only left with the occasional gag and dry heave, I started sobbing. At that point Ash and Michael both shared a knowing and loving look. They knew what had happened. They didn't need to ask me what was wrong. Michael handed me my Gatorade from earlier and I took several long sips.

"It's alright Luke. It was an accident." Michael said hugging me lightly.

Ash walked over and grabbed me a fresh set of clothes and handed them to Michael. "Lets get you cleaned up ya?" Ash asked. I nodded sniffling. To my surprise he picked me up and carried me into the bathroom and started helping me undress, seeing as I was too weak to do so myself. He didn't care about the mess when he carefully took off my pants and boxers and helped me clean myself up.

"I feel like a baby with all this crying... and the fact that I need help with even the most basic functions.... You guys shouldn't have to be responsible for taking care of my messes."

"I'm sorry we couldn't get you in here before that happened." He looked up at me with tears in his eyes and hugged me as I bawled. "Hey hey don't cry you're ok."

Michael walked into the bathroom when I had said that and saw Ashton comforting me. "Awww Luke bud it's ok. Hey look at me. Ash go relax. I got Luke." Michael could sense him panicking. Ashton kissed my forehead before he nodded and went out to the "living room" of the bus. He held my chin in his hand and turned my head upward so I looked into his pale green eyes. "I'm going to tell you this once. I won't repeat myself. This is nothing to be ashamed of... it happens to the best of us. It's embarrassing, yes, but don't go feeling like you can't do anything right and most of all do NOT think that we think you are a burden because we have to take care of you. We are your family and we will do anything for you no questions asked." Michael let go of my chin and pulled me into a well needed hug. "We all love you. Don't you go forgetting that now." He said with a slight chuckle letting go from the embrace and patting my shoulder. He turned and grabbed the thermometer that had been long forgotten in the bathroom hours before. "I'm going to take your temperature." I nodded.

I grimaced as I felt my stomach flip and got the familiar cramping in my lower abdomen. My eyes widened and I quickly pivoted lifted the lid of the toilet and sat on it and put my hand to my mouth. Michael bolted for the bin and set it on my lap just before the Gatorade I drank made a unwelcome reappearance in my lap.

After a couple minutes of, once again, losing it from both ends I started feeling really dizzy. "I'm dizzy..." I croaked. Michael took the bin out of my hands and set it down and asked if I was done. I nodded and cleaned myself up. Michael flushed the toilet and helped me stand. As I stood though I saw everything drain of color and saw spots. Michael saw me swaying and grabbed my shoulders and asked if I was ok, but I couldn't answer before everything went black.

Matt's p.o.v:

It's currently 7pm and I am in a meeting with management discussing upcoming events for boys.

As management knows I always keep my phone on, even during interviews in case the boys need to get a hold of me for any reason. When my phone starting ringing about 25 minutes into the meeting and I saw it was Ashton, my face dropped in instant worry. The boys only ever really call me when one of them is really sick or during an emergency.

I looked up toward management. "Excuse me, I need to answer this. Sorry." I stepped outside the room and answered the phone immediately.

A- Ashton, Ma- Matt, C- Calum

Ma- "Ash, is everything ok? What's going on?"

A- "Matt! No we need to get Luke to the hospital." Ash said with panic.

Ma- "Ash you need to calm down, breathe. Come on do it with me in... out... in... out... Ok tell me what's going on." Calming myself down in the meantime.

A- "He's been super drained since this morning. He kept falling asleep during the interview."

Ma- "Ya I noticed that he was sleeping a lot today."

A- "Michael asked how he was feeling after the interview and he said 'really sick'. When we brought him back to the bus he immediately went to his bunk. Calum and I went to get meds and general supplies for him while Michael stayed and watched him. No later than us getting back, he was throwing up everything he'd eaten the past week. He keeps getting sick. He can't even keep down liquids and he has diarrhea. Matt I don't know what to do..." He said tearing up.

Ma- "Ash you need to breathe bud. Panicking will not help Luke right now."

A- "I-I know... it's just-" I heard Michael suddenly yell his name and tell him to call an ambulance. Ashton and Calum ran into the bathroom seeing an unconcious Luke in Michael's arms. "OH GOD LUKE.... here Calum I can't..." he quickly handed Calum the phone before breaking down into a sobbing mess and crashed to his knees next to Luke. Putting the phone to his shoulder to muffle what he says to Michael, he asks if he can go ahead and call for an ambulance since he's talking to our mananger. Michael nodded before pressing call and wrapped his arm around Ash then got up and left the room.

C- "Hey Matt."

Ma- "Calum what the hell is going on!? Is luke ok?"

C- "Luke fainted. I think he might be severely dehydrated. Michael is calling medical now."

Ma- "I'm going to talk to management about leaving this meeting early to head to the hospital. Have Ash go with Luke. See you soon Cal."

C- "Alright see you there Matt."

Michael's p.o.v:

As soon as Luke said he was dizzy, I held onto him. I was afraid he was going to pass out while throwing up. I took the bin and asked if he was done and he nodded. I helped him clean up and got him standing. I saw him sway and tightened my grip on his arm. "Luke are you ok? What's wrong? Luke?" I asked slightly panicked. I saw Luke's eyes roll back into his head and he suddenly went limp I caught him right before he fell and lowered him to the ground. "ASHTON, CALL AN AMBULANCE!!!" I felt my heart begin to race and my breathing became a bit hectic. I took several deep breaths. I regained my composer and felt guilty when I realized I yelled for Ash after he had been panicking. Ash and Calum came running in.

"OH GOD LUKE.... Here Calum I can't..." Ash says as he hands Calum the phone before breaking into hysterics. Calum held the phone against his shoulder.

"Michael can you call the ambulance? I'm on the phone with Matt and Ash clearly isn't capable of talking at the moment. Plus someone needs to stay and watch Luke." I quickly nodded my head and dialed the emergency number and gave Ashton a hug to calm him down. I carefully ran out of the room and told the bus driver to pull over and explained what was going on.

M- Michael, O- Operator

O- "Hello emergency sevices: do you need police, fire, or medical?

M- "Medical."

O- "Ok sir. I'm going to need an address of your location.

M- "We are on a tour bus on Watercrest Lane and Roanoke Drive."

O- "Ok what is the emergency you are calling for?"

M- "My band mate passed out. He's been puking all day and he had diarrhea. We've been trying to give him liquids and meds, but he's just vomited it up every time."

O- "You said your friend passed out. Is he breathing? Would you be able to check for me?"

M- I ran back into the bathroom to check. "Yes, he is breathing."

O- "Ok sir. Please go outside I have dispatched an ambulance, one is in route and should be there shortly."

M- "Ok thank you."

I noticed Calum had gotten Luke into his clean boxers which I was thankful and I'm sure Luke would be just as such.

"I'm going to wait for the ambulance just outside the bus." I told them as we heard sirens approaching. Just as I got outside the ambulance pulled up and three paramedics came rushing up to me with a gurney and some weird bright yellow board. I brought them to where Luke was laying and they immediately took him vitals and rolled him into his side and then back onto his back on the board. 'So that's what that is for' I thought. They started an i.v in Luke's hand and wrapped him in a blanket before strapping him on the board and carrying him out to the gurney and loaded him into the ambulance.

"Whose riding with us?" One of the men asked.

"Matt told me to have you go Ash." Calum turned to Ash and he sprinted toward the ambulance and climbed in.

Ashton's p.o.v:

It took only 10 minutes to get to the hospital. Once we were there I was told to wait in the waiting room and fill out paperwork. 'Of course' I couldn't help but think. As I walked into the waiting room I saw Matt and he walked up to me and gave me a hug. I lost it. I broke down for the third time tonight. I don't want to even think about losing Luke.

Michael and Calum walked into the waiting room a couple minutes later and we all took turns filling out the paperwork. We talked amongst ourselves for a little over an hour.

"Family for Hemmings?" A nurse suddenly yelled. We all jumped up and and practically ran over to her.

"How is he?" I ask.

"So, Luke had something called a febrile seizure, which is very rare in adults. It was caused from him having a temperature of 105.4 degrees. He is awake now. The seizure did no damage other than make him tired. We did give him some Bismuth subsalicylate, which is and anti-nausea and anti-diarreah medicine. We also are giving him an antiboitic to fight this flu, but he could be sick for a couple more days."

"When can we see him?" Matt asked.

"You are more than welcome to see him now. He may be tired though. He's in room 237. Follow me please." She said smiling.

When we walked into the room Luke was asleep. I sat down next to his bed and held his hand that didn't have the i.v in it. He opened his eyes when I grabbed his hand. When he saw us he smiled.

"Hey guys." He said.

"Hey bud. You foreling any better?" Matt asked and Luke nodded slightly. His eyes started to close and reopen.

"You can go to sleep mate. We aren't going anywhere." He told him. Luke nodded again and closed his eyes.

Just as promised we stayed in the room. Since he had a private room visiting hours didn't apply. The nurse came in the room at midnight to give him his meds. When Luke woke up again we were all asleep.

"Ashton..." He gripped my hand lightly trying to wake me up. "Ashton..." Once again gripping my hand which woke me up. I looked at him and he was sweating and breathing relatively heavy.

"You ok?" He shook his head and closed his eyes. I placed my hand on the sick bin on the bed table. "Luke?" He opened his eyes, saw my hand and nodded. I quickly handed it to him and he held onto it for a while trying to breathe. I sat his bed up so I would be easier for his stomach. He raised the bin under his chin and kept trying to breathe deeply, trying anything to avoid being sick. He leaned forward slightly and I started rubbing his back. He gagged hard suddnely, which woke Michael up. Michael immediately was at Luke's other side telling him it's ok. Luke wretched hard and then with a heave, was heavily vomiting again. I reached over and pressed the button for the nurse and she came in and looked sadly at Luke and waited for him to finish. After a couple minutes luke started dry heaving and spit into the bin before handing it to her.

"Sorry for waking you guys." Like said just above a whisper.

"Luke we don't mind. Michael said and I nodded. Luke ended up falling back to sleep and a few hours later the nurse walked back in and took his temperature.

"Ok boys his temperature is normal you guys can leave when he wakes up and the discarge papers are signed." Michael and I nodded.

When luke woke up he felt a lot better. His head and stomach no longer hurt and he felt like he had energy. He knew that it was most likely just the medicine, but it was ok. They left the hospital and with two days he was back to his bouncing, bubbly self.

#tw emeto #emeto #5sos

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lazywriters-blog · 2 years

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UNHAPPY BULLY

SERIES PART 11-13

Warning: It May contain triggering content, violence, invasion of privacy, bare yourself, implied use of drugs, and some stuff I can't quite spoil. It's a lot.

Summary: A brief period of contentment demands a fair share of anguish. It just so happens to be easier.

Chapter 1 - Chapter 2 - Chapter 3

Word count: 8.4k

We are perhaps nearing the end of the series after two or three chapters, it depends, but I'm hoping you are enjoying the story so far. Errors might be present, please don't mind them, enjoy!

Home is her safe haven.

It has been ever since problems piled up and led awry. She started her day with serenity, perseverance not being the first thing that came to mind upon fluttering her eyes and hearing the far chirps of baby birds, the distant noise of plates being placed, colourless liquid pouring from the faucet, all in all, it was untroubled, reposeful, placid.

Walking down the stairs, innocently looking at the older figure, washing the dishes, suddenly turning to face her with bright eyes and a subtle tilt of the lip, almost in awe seeing the girl so tense and sleepy, she calmly mouths, "Got up so early? It's your favourite today."

"Noodles?" she guessed with a baffled expression.

The mother sighs, her smile widening a little, disappointed about how easy it had gotten to assume, she eyes the girl, nodding, "I suppose..." tossing her gaze elsewhere, she moves towards the utensil, the young female settling down mildly excited.

"Good morning. What's for breakfast?" asked another voice that entered the room, the man of the house lingering towards the table, sitting down with a cup of water.

"Your daughter's favourite." answered the lady.

The father grinned, shifting backwards, the girl silently watching the scene unfold, slightly concerned at how peaceful it is. "We might change homes soon, after a couple of months."

"Why so?" inquired the girl.

"Just for a change... Gotta leave the past behind."

She stayed still, listening.

Her sister's presence was missed at home, she at times does remember her, she had been a social butterfly, talking, and smiling, and they were close until she found love. It just got to the point where she'd get a little too upset with not being able to meet her significant other. She felt like she had no place to reside within her sister's heart, felt like she would be a burden, plus her sister was always too busy with work, with love, with life, with everything.

She got married during one of the toughest times during her early days and then began her new life. They kept in touch for a while but eventually things started to get overwhelming at school, home, she lost that special connection, she'd say, but they could reunite if only she tried.

She's become somewhat of an avoidant person.

Even when the situation is light at heart, it's what happens when you live in paranoia, stress, and distancing nature to resist getting left behind, to be strong when no one is physically near.

She'd probably continue this. Till she finds that very special someone of her own.

A week had breezed past. Everything was running smoothly, soundly.

When one evening, her father returned home from work with a disgruntled expression, a crinkled brow, appearing confused with a sprinkle of ire.

"Someone broke the car's windows," he said to her mother, she was a witness discerning the mention of her beloved ruined vehicle, she had urged to pick when nearly a child with new abilities to talk and point. "Who did it?" worried the woman, staring at the male in the room.

"Probably some kids from the neighbour's house." replied the father.

"How was it broken?"

"I'm unsure, someone trashed it very hard." irked, he responded.

Although she kept it to herself, she knew who was behind it. It had to be him.

He was trying to get to her. And she was adamant about avoiding him.

Eventually, she left the house he knew, moving to an apartment complex, a three-floor tall building with grey and black hues, it had roughly been a year since she decided to home school and rarely leave outside, even if she did, it would be with her parents. He seemed to have given up after she moved, he didn't know she lived no longer, and it meant a fresh new beginning, coming closer to her family and maybe, hopefully, her sister again.

The first year at the apartment was good and pleasant, she got a temporary job later on in the year, it was a happy time for her, and when reaching the end of the second year, she received a call, from her dear old sister.

"How are mom and dad?" she had asked with a quiet tone, sounding strangely sad, but she presumes the years of strain had altered her voice, it was different back from when she remembers.

"They're fine, just missing you, is all."

"Tell them I miss them too." she had replied.

"You won't talk to them?"

"Would they want to talk with me? I've been so distant from you all for so long." she gloomily confessed, her heart somehow felt light.

"Yes, you should. You know even I'll be going through your experience after a few years." she mumbled, her sister chuckled, "Oh yeah, I finally get to tease you huh. Splendid."

Then, they sat in silence, for a while, recalling all the times they spend mischievous.

"I'll perhaps come to visit you in a year."

"You know before then, maybe mom and dad will show up at your doorstep." she half-joked, "oh won't you becoming too?" her sister replied, surprised.

"Hmm, let's see. I'll probably come after mom and dad."

"How have you been, sister?" she suddenly said, she took a moment to respond, to think, to articulate her words into proper emotions of the past.

"It was tough, but I managed." she smugly retorted, giggling.

"Oh looks like my baby sister grew up, bravo, found a lover yet?" she teased.

"Nope, need some time to recover and some for myself."

"You got it, want me to help?"

She smiled. Shaking her head.

The third-year had gone by.

Her parents were ready to leave for the trip to her sister's home in a far country, she wanted to travel with them but as her duty demands it, she couldn't be permitted a leave longer than a month, so she decided to quit her job in a year and go be with her added family, she had gotten very close with them, her parents finally talked, and they bonded in time.

On June 1st, nine in the morning, she got up early to see her parents off, her mother worried, concerned if she would be alright alone, they changed homes again a few months ago, it was in a secluded, but busy countryside area, with a lot of greens, loving breeze, and pure air to inhale in and out. The house was two stories big, with four bedrooms, spacious, and had an old plus new look to it. The reason for shifting places goes as.

'If we convince your sister and her husband to come back with us, we are going to need a bigger house, for our grandchild and yours as well, a big happy family!'

That's what her mother said.

"Are you sure you will be alright? Let me stay with you, let your father go alone." her mother fretted, changing her mind at the very last minute, just within the radius of their car and bags and other needed items placed within.

"Huh? You gonna leave me now?!" her father argued.

"Mom! You need to go meet her, I'll be fine! Besides, I don't leave the house much, I will be fine, I'll join you as soon as possible." she gently reassured, the lady appeared unconvinced but still, obliged and sat in the front seats.

"Call me every day! Eat your food properly! And don't leave the windows open!"

Wailed the mother from the car window, she sighed, nodding along to satisfy her.

"Okay! I got it, be safe, call me when you reach sis."

Finally, with a few more talks and reminders, they departed.

She demurely stood for a minute, stretchering her shoulders, sucking in the uncontaminated flurry of air, huffing once and rotating in the direction of her house. The door unbolted from when she stepped out to say farewell, closing it behind her, the calm and stagnant environment in the abode bothered her, for a bit, she found herself forgetting and remembering a few times, realizing the distant say, 'once something is gone, is only when you begin to see the value of it.'

She recalls hearing it from someone.

Although the lull and placid nature did not agitate her, she sorta does rue keeping her job so that she could extend her savings before finally bidding goodbye for certain.

Gingerly handling the glass as she ascended the stairs, she pushes her door ajar and sets foot into her sweet-smelling room, nestling the cup to the edge of her table, she rolls her chair to the window, alas, resting with a cold lemonade to consume. Staring out, relishing the tender caress of the wind, slowly she tilts her head.

Calmly gulping the drink, she begins to reminiscence.

It was a chilly night, she sat up later than usual, upon switching the channels, she stumbled across the U.A sports festival being reviewed again, she had missed the majority of it, just the finals were in preparation, she curiously carried on her inspection, going stiff when a certain blonde boy walked unto the platform, a tough posture taken, and glaring eyes. She didn't finish it.

That was the last time she saw him.

The very last she came face to face was during her last day at Aldera.

When harking back to her middle school days, she suddenly mused on the plushie she had brought for him, she vaguely remembers putting it somewhere in her closet, she also recalled her greenette friend, izuku, perhaps she had talked to him before everything went down, the details are a bit too hazy to discern, but it's been long.

Her bully also hadn't given back her notebook.

Almost four years have transpired.

She had two months left of her work, she had gotten fairly accustomed to dwelling alone in her home, didn't quite have friends but was content with being all by herself, it was less stressful, she supposes.

It was a Sunday morning, she barely slept, made toast with strawberry jam, a small portion of beverage, she wasn't keen on drinks. The breeze was as loving as ever and the day was young, she booked a taxi to take her to a restaurant in the bustling city, she's awfully shameful to admit, she had relatively embellished into a free soul without her parent's interference, she still rarely went out but came to appreciate the stories her sister would narrate of her unplanned outings in her early days. It was a diffident escapade.

She checked her ticking watch, her presence spotted by the few people strolling in the street, in awe and bizarre astonishment, she quickly made her way towards her close destination, her purse clenched and hasty steps, cascading her gaze to the polished floor, the fresh fragrance residing the site, and it was glacially pleasant, despite her timid nature, she softly smiled, thinking of going to her normal seat, a butler popped up before her and politely requested her to head upstairs, she wordlessly obliged, steadily climbing up the pair of stairs, she welcomed herself in.

Inquisitively observing the uncharted place, she doesn't venture here often, there was a large table conjoined to the right, seats were partially vacant, but a few were occupied, a mop of hair abruptly ratified her memory, those lush green hairs could only belong to a certain boy she was familiar with. What was he doing here?

She didn't execute anything for a split second. Just looking soundlessly.

Was she to greet and meet him? What was she to say? What can she say, it's been so long, he appeared different, was he the same boy she knew?

Fortunately, she didn't have the time to ponder any longer as her person of interest got up and immediately stopped in his tracks, awkwardly staring at each other. Then, they both nervously smiled, the two people he was talking with seemed to have noticed their weird enactment. Eyeing each other in question, one girl with brown hair, another male with dark blue. She happened to be the one to utter anything first.

"Hello, izuku." it came out a lot different than she intended, nonetheless, he swiftly and sheepishly responded, his fists loosely held to his side.

"You... Hey- um... hi." he timidly chuckled.

She stifled a stupid grin, was this the kid who dragged her along when they met for the very first time? She assumes he hadn't changed a lot, which is nice to be aware of. Scrupulously Pushing the doubting notion of someone else being present.

"How are you?" she asked, still unsure whether or not she should have opened her mouth and made herself apparent, because those two pairs of eyes gaping through the whole interaction unravel, must have felt the uneasiness waffling the room.

"UH- yeah, yes I'm good... you?" he added, shyly peeking at her face.

She giggled, wrinkling her eyes with a genuine smile, her body relaxing, her hand gripping the arm coming down and non-verbally communicating her openness to small conversation.

"I'm doing great, I did not expect to meet you like this."

He faintly reddened, pointing his glance to her expression and shying away once more.

"I'm... glad we met, actually I've wanted to talk for a long while now." he replied, scratching his neck and swallowing his nerves, "I did miss you when you left." he lowly articulated, she almost couldn't have heard it if she hadn't taken a step forward.

"Please don't mind us but, you two are friends?"

She looked at the voice behind izuku, pressing her lips together and mentally bracing for a talk.

"Oh! So, you guys have known each other from childhood?" repeated the girl, her ears picking up on the mild relief tuning in her bubbly voice. Hmm, maybe she had some alternative motives with her friend?

"Yes, that's right." she nodded, peering at the two friends.

"We almost thought you were partners in a close relationship." butted the male sitting beside the brown-haired female, who instantly closed her lips and seldomly stared.

She couldn't help but laugh, not paying attention to the blushing boy next to her, holding to the chair and avoiding eye contact by shunning his gaze to the cleared table. She replied.

"No, no, I wouldn't know if he did have a crush on me though. We aren't lovers if that is what you are implying." she finished with an amused glint. The other female accompanying the seats oddly remained unspeaking, the agitated boy then answered, "Y-yes um... We didn't go into that phrase." he quietly muttered.

"Are you indirectly admitting to having had a crush on her midoriya?"

Izuku silently mourned in embarrassment, rapidly taking in a breath. Hands loafed in-between his laps, rubbing his finger to dull the prompt blow to his mum rambling.

"N-NO...! I-I didn't say that." he weakly defended.

"Ahh! Sorry guys- I gotta go now, hero duty calls. You wanna come with me iida?" uraraka exclaimed, a buzz popped from her phone soon after, the male nodded, got up, and spoke, "Yes, will you be joining us midoriya?" he implored, izuku shook his head, saying, "You go on ahead, I'll be catching with you later."

The two friends accepted the response, waved goodbye, and disappeared. So now, it was just him and her, the floor vacant, the cold artificial puff of air touching their skins, and the muffled sound of classic melody cavorting in the background distracting them, his green eyes briefly looked into hers and then he took the leap to get the first say in, this time, placing his arms on the furniture, his shoulder shrugged and pulled back, he begins.

"I never thought I could meet you again after that incident, you shortly left school too, it was too... unquiet in the classroom. After you were gone."

She concentrated on his words, soaking in the intentions and the unnoticeable change of behaviour, she craved, tilting her head voicelessly urging him to continue.

"I... I had rushed to the teachers after kacchan landed the first hit on you, after that, he wasn't given any major punishment, he did stop coming to classes regularly, we only talked during our first combat test, he was very angry."

He recited his short occurrences.

"Until currently, he apologized for bullying us. He mentioned you very vaguely." He looked at her for any tell-tale signs of displeasure, saw none, and proceeded.

"I just wanted you to know." He concluded.

She hesitated then calmly spoke.

"So, are you guys pro-heroes now? Just like when I used to hear you guys rave when we were kids?" she mumbled with a small grin. Izuku chuckled, smiling.

"Yeah, we just began our careers a few months ago, we planned this small arrangement for the whole class to gather and meet up. Even kacchan was here." He said.

"That's very good to know." she did not comment anything on the topic of her bully, but alas, did not want to be rude and ruin the moment between them, because as much as she denies it, she is still avoiding.

She just barely missed seeing him in person, she couldn't be any more glad.

"You should come to meet up with my friends often, I'm sure they would like it."

She nods, giving him a wide grin, saying, "Good luck heroes."

In the coming week, through the weekend, she was brushing her hair, hissing and shutting her eyes tight when tugged a long strand, in petite comfortable attire, bare-faced, endowed in a white transparent top with shorts, though it was frigid at night, daytime was equally warm.

Coddling herself with some face cream, silently revisiting her remembrances with izuku.

She saw him on the news by chance the day after they happened upon each other, and unexpectedly, she also found him on the screen of her television, his name in bold large letters, 'Ground zero'

Though he came out famous as he had clambered to the top ranks of the hero society, he certainly did not come across to be well-liked by the locals that much. Deku, on the other hand, had accumulated several life-long supporters, and fans in a short period.

She wasn't choosing favourites, but maybe she was biased, all in consideration of what had come to pass with him and her. He occasionally, subtly reminded her of her mother, more specifically, her quirk. She wasn't sure how hers worked, but it was catered towards emotional distress.

She's seen it ensue numerous times.

Her father had a unique quirk, lacking in the ability to utilize it, it was a spontaneous one, and he can't quite manipulate it.

She, however, did prove to be born with the perfect combination of both quirks, but still varies in usage. She was called loopy for a reason. There's a particular incident involved with it, sadly, as she gets up to fetch her device from the charging stand, she eventually relinquishes it to the back of her head. Noting the pops up on her mobile.

A new message from Deku.

She eagerly says it aloud in her brain.

It goes.

'I'm so sorry to be disturbing you right now, but I really need to tell you something.' He messaged, and she peers, shifting her thumb to type in.

'And that is?' She sent.

'So um, yesterday, I found those... what were they called? Chocos? Those treats you mentioned you liked, I purchased them and tried them out, you were right they are very tasty!"

'OH! Where did you find them? I haven't had it in weeks!" she eagerly typed away.

'Plus, the chocolate and vanilla filling inside is super delicious right?'

'Yup! I'm glad I tried, I brought them at the convenience store you got that plushie from." he replied, 'also, today.' the text box buffed, a response yet to be written.

'Kacchan suddenly asked about you.'

Her heart skipped a small beat, hastily translating her thoughts into simple words. However, surprisingly her friend intervened before she touched the send button.

'I didn't tell anything about you, he probably doesn't know we met, I don't think anyone might have told him unless... iida was asked.'

'I'm so sorry I should have considered it, they don't know what happened and I haven't had the chance to tell them, I'm so very sorry!'

'It's fine. Please don't let him know anything, I understand it's okay! Just... Just be a little careful, aren't you on hero duty?' She attempted to preclude the topic.

'I am!'

'Are you not paying attention while... I don't know, fighting, walking?' She solicited.

'Oh! No, I'm just on a short break, thought I could talk with you for a bit.'

She simpered. Ameliorating their conversation, happily spoke despite the sinking feeling rippling in her stomach. Dismissing it for her peace of mind.

For the next couple of days, she swithered between idling at home, feeling paranoid to rove to her workplace, and she contemplated discussing an early leave, resign, she had even purchased tickets online to depart on June 12th, the same month her parents left and the month she too was vividly planning to.

She was on night shift, she arrives home at dawn, via a taxi or a bus, she doesn't go alone, most of the time, if she can help it, periodically, seeking her co-workers to assist her back, she couldn't be caught unchaperoned when outside and about, even though, she is fond of being by herself. There are a few instances when it can't be helped.

She was nearby the neighbouring street, just got off the bus at a stop and striding towards her location, distracting herself upon receiving a call, she fishes it out of her black purse, squinting her eyes at the contact name, it was her parents.

"Hey mom." she cheered, a part of her attention now directed towards the elder's tone.

"I saw the notification on our email, are you deciding to join us in June?"

"Yeah, there's only so long I can live without you all, I'm thinking of asking for the resignation papers early, is there anything you want me to bring with me?" she inquired, unbolting the gate and crossing the threshold into their site, attempting to pluck out her keys shortly.

"Oh no! There are plenty of things we need here itself, don't forget to safely lock the doors and everything else before you board the plane. If we ever decide to take a short vacation, we can stay at our own house." replied the mother.

"Hahaha okay, will do."

"Have you reached home yet?" asked the lady on the phone, quietly the young female pushed the steel into the keyhole, rotating it, "Hmm, I just reached, I'm going to have breakfast and go to bed, I'll call you later again." finished the girl, instantly heeding a coy response and removed the device from her ear.

Shutting the door tight, she tosses her shoes at the entrance, ambling to the kitchen and switching on the lights, the lid hallway upstairs showcasing her bedroom door, moving inside and carelessly swapping her coat to the stand, replacing her jeans and blouse with her nightly finery. Unfastening the windows, permitting the pale yellow rays to brighten her space, the stillness being disrupted by songbirds.

She settled on readying herself a cup of instant ramen, deprived of her usual vigour due to inconsistent work shifts, returning with her meal, she sat before the window, starting to devour the tasty yet unhealthy breakfast, slurping, chewing, and observing the skies transpose colours, casting a soft ethereal glow to the world surrounding her.

In moments like these, she forgets to worry.

It was the weekend, she was tempted into the idea of late watching movies after finishing her nap, at 6 Pm, she settled down on the settee, bathed and frazzled, deviating herself from useless facts wondering which show to view and which snack to enjoy, she decided on ice cream whilst showering but distracted the notion with french fries, pre-made, just required to deep fry and then pour on melted cheese with hot spices. In the end, she had arrived at an unequivocal decision, potato chips with fries as a side dish.

Mustering the zeal, she attempts to cook briefly and swiftly.

Exhaling with glee, the youngling booked her seat in the middle, slumping to grab the remote and keenly selected her choice of film. It was the story of a woman pretending to be a man, who unironically made all those silly sacrifices to glibbing her crush, she cackled at a few jests in the moving pictures, grinning wide throughout the entirety of the enactment.

Finishing her salty treats, she attempts to reach the water bottle on the stand when the whole house goes dark and quiet. She groaned, squinting at the dully lightened clock clamped to the wall, reading, 9 Pm. Standing up, she strenuously searches for her phone, feeling it tugged in between the solid pillows.

A knock startles her.

She internally groans, with leaden steps, peeping from the lounge, to the grim entrance, the capacious space appeared infinitely eerie without any brightness, extending bound the murkiness while in shadows, she gulped, smiling to herself, this wasn't the first time, the knock at nighttime was.

She doesn't exactly want to know who was behind the door. So, hoping to quell her unsaid curiosity, she near the window in the room she was stationed, and peered out, noticing a vague figure adorned in black, waiting at the door, who instantly turned towards her, she ducked, her heart in her throat and breath sucked in, the grass crushing underneath the person's foot made her wary of her slight movements, a silhouette loomed over her, casting their outline onto the wooded ground, curtains were drawn, it limited the person's insight.

All while she was engrossed in soothing her panic.

When the shadow moved to the other window, briefly looking and then striding towards the back of the house, she continued to watch, at a snail's pace, walking to the glass and peeking outside, she caught a glimpse of blonde hair, a built frame, and it racked her memory.

He looked like her bully.

Even izuku did not know her address, so how did he?

A louder knock resonated in the house, and she stiffened, not daring to inch towards it, feebly, haplessly resuming her fight or flight instincts. Mulling over her limited knowledge did not seem possible, as another knock soon sounded, she slowly advanced backwards, eyes wide and prepared to make a mad dash to the bolted door if necessary.

Then, it got eerily placid. No inclination from the person out on the site, nor did it feel safe to attempt anything, she hesitantly lifts herself from her lowered position, throwing a hasty glance to the kitchen, her device tightly clutched. Looking from behind the wall, the back door was fortunately not littered with any damage, she checked just in case, it was locked.

A raucous bang pierced the stillness in the breeze. Once more.

"I know you don't wanna talk to me."

An obscured heavy voice grabbed her undivided attention, she restained her breath, listening without answering or indicating she was about to, it was him, his voice had matured, but that taunting voice of his had ripped a place out for itself in her mind, it remained hard to forget.

Then, a husky, forlorn voice, said, "I need to talk with you."

She wasn't going to disassemble her ploy.

"Are you still going to ignore me, even after all this time?" His voice suddenly cracked, but the lower it gets, the higher it rises, "Stop being a coward and talk to me!" he yelled, she jolted back, bending her head, her terrified eyes darting to the voice, afraid that in making the slightest movement meant death.

Silenced engulfed the two. Then.

"I'll be back..." he whispered, with a glaring gaze, walking away.

The young girl, stricken with terror, let the urgency to meet her parents, consume her.

She needed those resignation papers, fast.

The blackout was a blessing in disguise.

The night extended, and slumber didn't lure her into sweet dreams.

She kept jerking up from her disturbed leisure, gawking at the palest sound, the dusk scarier when she's alone and it's opaque, noiseless, hyper-aware of her drawn breaths. A dull shine radiated from outside her window, procuring some lustre into the darkroom, she paused, shutting herself in her coverings, arduously laying her unquiet thoughts to sleep. She stilled.

Eventually, the birds began cheeping and her pounding chest subdued.

Wariness plunged into her slow blinking eyes, seeing herself in the mirror whilst she brushed her teeth, she could only close her eyes for two hours.

Before she woke herself up, uncertain and frightened. It felt like she had only blinked and reopened her eyes.

Lowering her face first by the staircase as she peered into the hall, gingerly climbing down and taking in the view. The unfinished fries abandoned to fester with the air, a few chip crumbs broken into diminutive chunks, her water bottle left unsealed. It was just the way it was when she fled to her room.

She checked every door.

Clasping a bat and cautiously stepping out to the truce breeze, strained eyes blown open, thinking she would be vigilant enough to pin out anything out of place. Glancing at the intersections of the house, stammering to inspect the backdoor.

What if he hadn't really gone? What if she just dreamt of his arrival? She wasn't in a sound space to distinguish, halting before the entrance, finding nothing of implication, just a perfunctory garden, the seeds her mother had sowed as it was the first she saw.

She didn't trust the deceit of her eyes.

A FEW MONTHS EARLIER.

With the alluring sound of nature, greens and thin branches raffling to the zephyr, two footsteps made their way to the architecture, a young man in his early 20s, blonde, tall, sturdy toned arms, board shoulders, sullen glare, monitoring the diffident location. The older man accompanying him wore a precise grin, guiding the person to the house they were about to view, a quixotic stunning home.

"The house is newly furnished, polished, just finished the preparation a few days ago, and is supplied with basic necessities, you won't have a problem here." The man assured, palms open, looking at the older boy who listened along, his red eyes, low-lidded and an ever-present frown adorning his lip. Coming across as phlegmatic, and irascible.

The man didn't seem bothered, professionally handling himself and his business, explaining most things as they ascended the stairs, letting the door unfasten as the two stepped into the smell of fresh paint, and adhesives, the wood lowly creaked, the white and black walls of the place designed beautifully, a hand politely pointing the facilities, rooms and specific mentions and cautions of the owner as they further into the territory

"If you are to make a purchase, the house will only be on sale for a month more. There are other houses you could see, but they might lack what you want, this is the most secluded and quiet place I could find." said the man with a slight nod, maintaining eye contact.

"And what about the last place we saw?" stolidly questioned the blonde, lifting his lip and pulling his brows inwards, the man glib, saying, "That place got rented a long time ago, the owner told me one of my friends had surprisingly brought it." He enunciates before thinking.

He grimaced, taking his hand out of his pocket, raising his voice, "did you sell it off after I made it clear I was interested!?"

The man quickly puts up his hand, answering, "No, the owner hadn't told me, usually, homes get booked beforehand with a little compensation, you hadn't quite made it clear to the owner so he sought it off." he shuts his mouth, nervously smiling at the irritated customer.

"Who is this friend of yours?" He frigidly inquired, one eyebrow raised, half glaring at the innocent broker, folding his arms as he awaited a response. He at least wanted to know who stole his place.

The man appeared friendly enough to share his stories, everyone he had come into contact with were strangers who would forget one another within a day. He redeemed.

"A college workmate of mine, who goes by the name Whitlock. He used to be an engineer, but I'm not sure if he is still pursuing that career... He has a daughter, If you are looking for a bride." he finished, unsure towards the end of his sentence, turning to the male.

The blonde stopped blinking, wide-eyed, stuck with his thoughts, the man noticed.

"Is... something the matter?" he asked.

The young man resumed his scornful attitude, wrinkling the gap between his eyebrows, suddenly faring furtive, he glanced to the right, gripping his crossed limbs. His face non-verbally expressing his thought process, the man knew what was to trust from the serious gesture. Either disapproval or reckless talks.

"On second thought." He went on.

"I'll buy this house, I want the papers and whatever stuff that needs to be done, given to me, I want this house, and you better not sell it off like the last one." The blonde growled, glaring with rancour.

The sudden change had amazed the broker but he merely welcomed it, shortly agreeing to deliver the vital sheets and shook hands. Katsuki gave him a sharp look, tossing a quick glance to the rooms, soundlessly concluding that he might need more safety. He noted this might be the most ideal place to keep someone safe, and locked up.

Now, to finally get in touch with her.

A YEAR EARLIER

Katsuki woke up.

In a cold sweat, groaning and supporting his throbbing head, kicking the blankets off his warm body and sitting slouched on the edge of his king-sized bed.

Staring at the mat underneath his foot, feeling irritated and bothered by his soaked tank top.

He had a vapid dream of his crush, his loured expression wilted, he sat, quietly mourning with a distant gleam. It was a repeated sequence of her during middle school, the kiss they shared, she vanished giving the most hateful eyes he's seen been directed towards him, then, a vivid sound of her crying, wailing, he remembered it from their childhood.

The constant loop of her voice saying 'I hate you played in his head, every time he is seated still, that desolating tune returns and returns, what's he to think when she's cut him off from her life entirely, he's guilty, he knows, but how far was she willing to take this so she could wrong herself by doing that.

The sight of her perched at her chair and he watching her from behind, was like a picture clung to his memory, her soft naive expression facing him, she almost smiled, but not at him.

He got up from bed, parting the curtains, looking outside, the empty entrance of his house, another reminiscing notion occurring to him.

Her features pained, eyes brimming with big tears, and her crying face would always be involved.

"You brat, what took you so long!" roared his mother, scowling at his face from across the table, his father sitting beside her, grasping a glass of tea.

"I was taking a shower!" he retorted, glaring back at her, as usual, his pops never interfered in the middle of their jeers, plopping down on the chair opposite to them, he leaned back, defensively folding his arms.

"Slow brat, how long does it take to bathe?"

"At least I don't smell of sweat!" he argued, the mother gasped, reopening her mouth to shout, "Katsuki, my stupid son, might I remind you I gave birth to you, so you have my genes as well, you smelly brat." she boasted, if only she were near, she would grab his ear and bellowed some more.

He toughened, opting to simply exclude their session.

The family ate breakfast with lingering truculence. The quiet party in the group, timidly gazing at his son and wife, sipping some of his bitter drink, viler and tart than what he'd make, but would he dare say so to his volatile spouse.

"So, when are you planning to marry, katsuki, when will you bring a grandchild home?" Abruptly mockingly, teased the mother, mischievously grinning, instantly gaining a comeback.

"Shut up, you old hag!"

"Hmm, oh I know, honey, you remember that girl our boy chased in his childhood, what was her name, it was such a pretty name!" she groaned, shrugging her shoulder in disappointment.

He stopped for a moment, something unsettling conjuring the air around him, he did not give back his response, continuing to have his meal in silence. The pair seemed to notice.

"Well, our son will be graduating from U.A soon." The father calmly mused, softly smiling at the two, feeling proud. Expecting a reaction from their prideful son. However.

"Yeah," their son demurely mumbled, leaving his plates emptied and striding out the room.

The couple watching his back, as the noise of the door unbolting and closing greeted them.

Somehow, they couldn't squelch the dread pooling in their stomach and, felt like they had cuffed down rows of needles.

She ceased, slowly blinking, her body stiff and loose, her casual black outfit didn't blend her into the environment, it only made her stand out.

Advancing through her plan, she ambles into the office, her gaze drifting to the centre of the room, bowing her head to hand out the documents from her bag, the stern man wordlessly watched her, keeping a maintained facade, she immediately greets, "Good morning sir, I've come to sign the papers."

Unbothered, pulling one of the drawers from his desk like he had better tasks to finish, the girl meekly stands, awkwardly shifting her posture, resettling the strap of her purse on her shoulders, bending forward to view the sheets her manager slammed on the desk.

"About time you thought of coming back, your constant leaves has compelled me to think you've grown indolent." he bitterly articulated, placing his gripped knuckles on the table, eyeing her to respond. She did not say anything, her face already betraying what she felt hearing him.

"It's good you are planning to leave, I wouldn't want to keep an irregular employee who is absent for the majority of her days. Take the papers and get out of my office." his voice pitched higher, snatching the sheet she had barely touched and angrily signed, throwing it into her face, reflectively, her face moved back.

"Get your stupid face out of my sight."

His word weighted heavier on her vulnerable mind.

She walked out, humiliated, dismissing the curious stares of her co-workers, sauntering to the exit with her hand holding onto the object strapped on her left, sighing and gloomily carrying on with her day, within a few forlorn rungs, her phone buzzed, she picked it out of her pocket, prosaically soaking in the ID of the call, her sister.

She didn't feel like talking.

Scooping it into place, she made her way home. Letting the device ring.

She locked the door behind her, flung her handbag onto a piece of furniture, and swiftly went to her room, she didn't change her clothes, pulling out a suitcase from her wardrobe.

Perching it onto her bed, then got to work, throwing her shirts and dresses, everything in the large travelling crate, pumping in more articles, upon coming to the last few drawers, she spots an eye-catching golden peeping from below, and soon, she found out it was the all might toy she got, almost four years ago, should she take it?

She couldn't waste time thinking.

Deciding to worry about it later, she returns the plushie to its place.

The sun was drowning in the skies, and she latches the cover of the suitcase, removing from the top of the mattress and bringing it down, swivelling it to the front of the room, then, she turns around to her wallet, kegs, and crucially, her passport, she stuffs them into her black purse, double-checking everything once it was readied.

It was time to leave.

Organizing herself in the mirror, she loosened her hair from the low ponytail, figuring in her frantic frenzy, her hair tie might detach, shoddily applying a benign layer of make-up.

She was going to stay at a hotel, for a few days till she could reschedule her flight, she had made the mistake of overestimating the days she would have been able to breathe peacefully. Now that she was alone, and her parents were not around, she was in an unguarded standpoint.

This time, they wouldn't be able to help.

Walking down the stairs with her suitcase, she mounts her pouch on it, letting it sit at the entrance while she browsed through everything.

She embarks on her progress with the windows first, quickly pulling a couple of them shut with urgency, fear, drawing the curtains and sealing the place off before she emigrated, knowing she should cover the couch with a white sheet but allowed it to slip her mind, she could come back again to fix, all she wants is to get out of the house.

She's on the verge of finalizing her survey on the final window on the upper floors, overlooking several things as solace surged her senses.

She tacitly shambled down the treads, passing by the corridor. She pauses. What was that figure she perceived from her right?

Racking her brain to understand if she had glimpsed it right or wrongly.

"You planning on leaving?" Called out a husky voice from the settee, she stopped breathing.

A shudder rushed down her spine, and then, she looked at him, arrogantly allotted himself on her special seat. Like a dear caught in plain sight, she strutted.

"Where are your parents?" He curtly interrogated her, her body stiffly snaffling the smallest step backwards, enticing him to a fit of contempt. He snarled, "Not going to answer me, huh."

"Are you still avoiding me like some sort of plague?" He pressured. Fetching out her phone meant getting his attention on it, which would stir up more hostility than favourable, he wouldn't let her call when his glare is sharp, and his concealed guilt is deteriorating.

"Am I not worthy of you?! I've been searching for you this entire time!! While you were here, yet again, trying to leave." He shouts, his voice coming out forced and gruffly dark, she shrinks into her skin, his approaching figure inciting dread to merge.

"As if I'll let you leave again." He spoke.

Her heartbeat paces up.

Without a second thought, she quickly galloped. Surprising herself with how fast she had eluded him.

Her retreating footsteps spurred him into action. His audible heavy footfalls boomed in her eardrums. Dashing towards her fleeing figure, with wide-open eyes.

Lunging at the door, trembling in terror, breathlessly chanting and shaking the doorknob, loudly whimpering when he slammed her body against it with his own, crushing her entire physique. She was slow with fear.

She cries out, instantly dismissing the impact thanks to the adrenaline currently in her blood, but his large calloused hands jabbed her face back, firmly throwing her away from the exit.

She hits the rigid floor, groaning, scurrying to get away. Regardless, he proves to be faster than her. Shoving her down and straddling her back, harshly grabbing her breakable arms and twisting them behind her. He simpered.

"Guess you are still as delicate as I remember." He uttered casually, the surface of her skin turning red from his steep grip. He tightened his hold, and she continued to lash and bark, defying his bid. He grimaced, striking her limbs down harder.

"Get off of me!!" She screamed, desperately struggling while being held down by a trained brute.

"Arghh! Get off of me!!" She cried out, more garish, draining her energy steadily. Her voice was raspy, splitting the silence of her home.

"You think, I wanna do this?"

"You made me do it, you've been avoiding me our entire life!!" He retorted, his voice louder than hers, he squeezes in more pressure. Keeping her down with sheer strength.

"You never gave me a chance! Do you hate me that much?" He roared, his brows crimped, his cold stare narrowed.

"You hate me so much, don't you?" He sneered. Right near her ear.

"You were trying to leave again, trying to rip me out of your life, weren't you!" He mouthed, his heavy tone eliciting another sob out her lips.

"I will never let you get rid of me."

His voice darkly snapped, his torso leaning more weight on her veneer, trapping the air inside of her lungs, battling to breathe, she stifled, eyelashes damped with tears.

Something cold touched her wrist, it dragged a shiver down her spine, and then it clinked. It was a handcuff.

He loosened his grasp, ignoring her outcries as he pulled her up from the floor, slumping her on his shoulders, stabilizing her thrashing legs.

Moving towards the sofa, flinging her down on it, towering over her, pressing her leg into the cushions, but it wasn't effective enough, aggravated, he draws in a heavy breath, staring at her stained face.

"If you make another sound, I'll break your ankles." He threatened, it merely succeeded in making her cry more. He scorned.

"Stop crying." He lowly muttered, face intimately close to her, she closed her eyes, reluctantly swallowing her whimpers, lips curled down, and small tears dripping down her cheek and soaking into the maroon fabric. She looked away from him.

"Please stop, please don't do this, please!" She begged, he heard her but didn't say anything.

"Please I'm sorry I won't ignore you anymore, please let me go.!" She pleaded, and the male prevailed unpersuaded, deliberately, worming his fingers around her waterway, staring deep into her fearful eyes, imitating her intakes.

"You move from this spot. It won't end well for you." He grumbled, sternly stating it like he was speaking to a child.

She gaped, urging herself to nod.

He fiercely glared, wordlessly questioned her intent and lifted himself to his feet, his loud thumping footfalls sounding in the room, she quietly sat, cautiously turning to watch where he was going, shortly, she heard the fridge open, and fling shut.

Worrying if she did anything, he'd do worse.

He returned with her mug, settled down before her and announced.

"Open your mouth."

She glanced at him, at the liquid then into his red eyes, she seemed unwilling, refuting his strict mandate.

"I said, open your mouth. Don't make me repeat myself." He opened his eyes wider, invading what little leeway was left.

"I don't want it!" She forcefully resisted.

"I said, open your stupid mouth or else I'll shove it down your throat!!" He bellowed, fingers closing on her chin, as she receded into the pillows, fastening her lips tighter.

He loudly inhaled.

Without any qualms, he coerced his thumb in-between her mouth, forcing down her lower lip, she withheld him any leisure. He grew angrier. He was bound to snap any moment if this keeps up. Her inner lip was aching, her skin might have cracked.

"I'm telling you one last time, open your mouth." She clutched her jaw, he noticed.

"Fine, the hard way, it is." He said.

He pounced, any action was neglected, how much would her fist hurt him? Not much.

His whole hand shrouded her face, strongly aiming to pry her mouth ajar so the drink he needed her to consume, would be cleared, the tip of his fingers created tiny crevices on the skin, sinking into it.

Yanking her face up and spilling it in, his knee curbing into her flesh, deterring her rout. She didn't have time to breathe. He only permits her any movement after she had gobbled it down.

She coughed as soon as he lets go, bending down, her bound hand not enabling her to cover up the sorry sight she's become. He quietly watched. She can't tell how long she panted, but it was long enough to realise how much everything hurt, her pained throat made her voice sound odd.

"Why...?" She whispered, a stream of warm tears oozing out, "why are you doing to me?" She wept.

Black spots were forming in her vision, she wasn't dizzy, she felt paralysed, her stance on the sofa no longer stable, dropping onto the carpet.

Hands beside her head, her legs couldn't exhume the stamina to move. Her movements weren't more than a twitch.

Hopelessly, observing his shoes walk towards her, strong hands embracing her, tugging her, coiling his fingers around her waist and picking her up, bridal style.

He gently set her down. She couldn't keep her head straight.

Katsuki strolled out of the hall, returning with her briefcase and her purse when she opened her eyes again, she breathed a disagreement, peering at the male, he pithily glanced, chuckling, speaking up with a fond tone.

"Guess you were prepared to come with me, let's see if you have all your stuff." He teased, he first took out her passport, "Oh, where were you planning to go?"

"We could both go on a vacation." He mocked, scornfully corking it into his pocket, bolstering a chastising glint.

"On our honeymoon." He snickered.

She couldn't say anything. More tears leaked out of her eye sockets, drenching into the rough texture, and she silently weeps.

He fished out another item, then another, enjoying belittling her, finally, he came to her suitcase, promptly plucking one of her bras out, eyeing it, then saying.

"You have good taste."

She released a sob, moaning in misery.

"That was a compliment, why are you crying? You should appreciate it." That didn't help, her aching chest inducing her uneasiness. She felt like her younger self when she didn't dare to stand up for herself.

"Looks like you were right, you are ready to go. I'll get you a few things while we are on our way home." He muttered, heaving her frame up from the warmed rug. Softly whispering.

"You made it so easy for me."

If you wish to be tagged, let me know

@sluttius @maggiecc @chemtrails-club @spn-obession @exquisite-bands @corinnie @nalie110 @survivorofmath @illumisrat @palomaperuana @harmonbrooke @dickhitme @animexholic @readinggurl @darious @rainstorm22 @spin-garden @coolio-love @meismeandiamyou @pockey-tokyo

I apologise if I've forgotten to tag any of you. I couldn't tag some of you, for some reason.

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ordinaryschmuck · 3 years

Text

What I Thought About "Knock Knock Knockin' on Hooty's Door" from The Owl House

Wow. They are really pushing it for that secret message, huh?

Anywho--Salutations, random people on the internet who certainly won’t read this! I am an Ordinary Schmuck. I write stories and reviews and draw comics and cartoons!

I think it goes without saying at this point that Season Two of The Owl House is setting itself up as a season without filler. Now, filler episodes aren't always bad. Yes, it hurts when a series turns away from the main plot for a week. But at best, they're utilized as a chance for the writers to play around with the characters and developing said characters without it relating to the overarching story. So, some people who see that consider it a bad thing that a series doesn't have that many filler episodes.

I like to call those people: F**king morons.

Don't get me wrong, I see where some of you are coming from. And I'd be willing to agree...if The Owl House was a plot-driven series. Which it's not. It is a character-driven series. Because for every plot thread and narrative that the show presents, they always relate to the characters and develop them further each time these threads get brought up. For example, look at "Knock Knock Knockin’ on Hooty's Door" (It pains me just to write that). Several narratives move forward, and it’s all done to make the characters grow. And to explain how requires going into spoilers. So keep that in mind as you continue reading.

Now, let's review, shall we?

WHAT I LIKED

Hooty: Might as well start with the character that this episode is about.

To tell you the truth, I wasn't a huge fan when I found out we're getting a Hooty-centered episode. I've grown to love him over time, but he is a comedic character that's best used in small doses. Primarily due to how his voice is grating to me (My ears are still bleeding...). With that said, I do really love his contributions in "Knock Knock Knockin' on Hooty's Door" (Seriously, there couldn't have been a less awkward title?). Hooty's antics when trying to help everyone are as hilarious as they are heartwarming. He deeply cares for his friends but just doesn't understand how his plans could do some unintended harm, which is pretty lovable if you ask me. We also get some surprisingly great insight into his character, as he feels insecure about basically being the comic relief who doesn't really do that much other than being funny. Rarely do you get that level of dimension from a comedic character, and it's even more uncommon for that to work out as well as it does here. It once again proves just how competent the writing is in this series to the point where we get an episode about Hooty, and it's funny and heartwarming instead of being annoying. And whoever is responsible for that, you're the best.

Lilith’s Letter to Hooty: I mean it when I say that I love how Lilith kept her word about her and Hooty becoming penpals. Their friendship was something I would have never expected to love, and I'm still shocked that it works so well, so seeing it continue like this just warms me to the bone. Plus, it is pretty sweet that Lilith's kind words are what inspired Hooty to do what he's done in this episode...meaning it's Lilith we should thank here--SON OF A WITCH! Even when she's gone, she's still working her way into my heart!

King going through Puberty: What?! KING IS EVOLVING!

(There, I made a Pokemon reference. Do I get my cookie now?)

Eda Keeping Herself Awake to Train Herself: I'm willing to bet a large sum of money that this has everything to with Raine getting captured last week. If Eda was still the most powerful witch in the Isles, she might have actually saved them. But she isn't, and now the love of her life is in the clutches of a tyrant planning something that could potentially be the end of everything. So I can understand Eda pushing herself to her limit to get back on top again, as I would probably do the same. It's not healthy in any way, and Eda would be doing more harm than good. But when it comes to the people you love, logic doesn't always win out in the end.

Luz Wanting to Make her Way into Amity’s Heart by Making the Echo Mouse Happy: ...That's it. I Just...I just love everything about it, ok?

This was also when I knew that I was wrong to doubt that there would be zero Lumity in this episode. I realize my follies now, and I humbly apologize.

Hooty Teaching King About Demons: This was so funny. So, so funny. Probably doesn't come as a surprise, especially since The Owl House proves itself as a comedy before, but the jokes have never hit as frequently and as hard as they did here. From Hooty getting offended by King's dance to him and Dana's insert wanting a "DNA sample," everything managed to successfully make me lose my s**t. It does come at the expense of King suffering, but I can stomach that much more than if it were Eda or Luz. And, as a bonus, we get lore about how demons work, added with another great joke of King getting in trouble with Hooty for saying he already knows this stuff. Humor isn't always the show's strong suit, but when it works, it f**king works.

King Wanting to Know What he Is: But despite how funny King's vignette was, we still get to see more of his character grow. We learn that he's frustrated now that there's this big question mark over his life now, feeling extra angry that his father "abandoned" him to leave such a present mystery. It shows the hidden resentment he has that Lilith inadvertently brought out, made even worse when King's father hasn't responded to the video yet. King hasn't really gotten that much development until "Echoes of the Past," so it's pretty cool that the writers haven't really slowed down on it. Especially when it leads to these great moments of King venting his frustrations.

King’s Shouting Powers: KING learned FUS RO DAH!

(And now that's a Pokemon reference AND a Skyrim reference. WHERE'S MY GOSH DANG COOKIE!?)

Eda’s Nightmare: If King's vignette hits you hard with the laughs, Eda's will absolutely hit you harder with the feels (never make me say "feels" unironically again). Knowing that Eda's life got thoroughly screwed over by the curse is something we could figure out on her own. But seeing just how much the curse ruined her life and tore apart relationships that mean the world to her really does a swell job at ripping apart the soul. What's even more tragic is, technically speaking, it's all sort of Eda's fault too. She kept hiding the curse, refusing to be a burden to others who would do all they could to help. If she had only been open and honest, things probably wouldn't have changed much, but they most likely would have been better than they are now.

Eda Attacked her Father as the Owl Beast: ...I don't know what I was expecting when "Keeping Up A-Fear-Ances" hinted that there was some possible tension between Eda and her father...but it definitely wasn't this.

The fact that we see blood where his eye used to be doesn't make things any happier, either.

Raine Broke Up with Eda: Before we get into anything else, let's celebrate the fact that it's now confirmed that Eda and Raine really did use to date in the past. Because this show is just f**king phenomenal with its LGBTQA+ representation!

But, seriously, this is a fantastic reveal that goes far beyond just shipping...well, sort of. It shines a new light on Eda and Raine's interactions from last week, revealing that while they're not a couple anymore, they still very much love each other. It helps make their last interaction especially tragic, as they were both on the same page now and could very well be together again. Only for them to be forced apart for the second time in a way that's much worse than the first. And I frickin' adore that this series changes the impact of one episode one week later. Again, it shows just how competent these writers are, and kudos to them for making something so...perfect.

The Moon Person: WHO THE FU--Nope. Nope! We have more than enough mystery bulls**t to deal with through CreepyLuz and Philip Wittebane, so I am PUTTING YOU ON THE BACKBURNER FOR NOW!

(They're probably nothing more than a one-off character, anyway)

The Owl Beast and Eda are Connected: Through visuals alone, we, the audience, can clue into what the curse really means. The Owl Beast doesn't want to be a part of Eda as much as she doesn't want it to be a part of her. Whether they like it or not, and they very much don't, they're stuck together. The thing is, and this is what I love the most, they still decide to make the best of their situation rather than let it ruin their lives even more. This might be the best possible turn Eda's curse could have made. It'll still affect her, and there are probably more negatives than positives, but at least now, it's not the worst thing in the world. And I feel like that's all anyone can ask when in a position like her own.

Eda's “Pretty Dream”: I don't know what emotions are toiling inside me more with this moment. Awe and wonder over how beautiful Eda's dream is, or heartbreak over the implication that she has only had nightmares since getting cursed...I'm gonna say both. Yeah, it's definitely both.

Eda’s Harpie Form: Well, fan artists are gonna have a field day with this...especially the freaks.

(You know who you are. And you're weird!)

Luz Calling Amity a “Cotton-Candy Haired Goddess”: ...Have I ever mentioned how much I love this show?

Hooty Kidnapped Amity: ...Hooty, if your stupidity wasn't charming, I would be more than willing to call the authorities over how you kidnapped a girl in your version of a knapsack and locked her in the basement. For that is going to ring SO MANY alarm bells in people's heads.

Amity and Luz Stuck in a Tunnel of Love: *Smacks lips* Mmm. The adorable awkwardness of this moment is just *chef's kiss* magnifique!

Luz being afraid of getting made fun of:

Amity’s look of hope: I mean...just...f**king--LOOK AT HER:

That is the look of a girl who, while embarrassed as hell, still is ecstatic to learn for a brief moment, everything that she is hoping for has a high chance of being real. Who, in their right mind, wouldn't go "Aw!" at something so pure and innocent?!

Luz Destroying the Tunnel of Love: This is how to effectively utilize dramatic irony. The audience can understand why Luz is tearing the place apart because she explicitly states that she's afraid of Amity rejecting her in the end. They also know that's bogus, thus making it extra painful to watch Amity's heart break more and more with each second (which is perfectly represented through Amity's expressions). You feel bad for both of them, and even worse when you know that it can easily be prevented by the simple art of communication. That's what makes it great dramatic irony. Knowing the point of view of each character results in a scene that evokes emotions in two different ways.

Hooty’s Breakdown: This was...genuinely hard to watch. Not that it was badly written, far from it. It just...hurt seeing how destroyed Hooty was when he realized he failed the people he has such an admiration for. On the upside, a wholesome moment follows soon after as the Owl House gang tries to reassure Hooty that he's done a lot of good that night. It's a pure action that shows even though Hooty gets on their nerves all the time, they still care about him...damn it. I think I'm gonna cry.

Eda’s Advice for Luz: ...Eda...You're the best.

You found out that your surrogate daughter wants to ask a girl out, and not only were you quick to deliver the best possible advice ("Just go for it!"), but you also quickly reassure her that it doesn't need to be perfect.

And you know what? That's it. Eda is the best cartoon mom! She might not technically be Luz's mom, but I don't give a s**t because she is the best!

Luz and Amity Ask Each Other Out: Shh-sh-sh-sh...

Do you hear that?

...

...It's the sound of dozens of Lumity fans collectively losing their s**t...and I'm one of them.

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

HOO-HOO-HOO-HOO!

IT!

IS!

CANON!

AH-HAHAHAHAHA!

HOLY S**T! Holy s**t! Holy s**t...might just be the best way I could possibly describe this! Finally, after all the waiting, speculating, and praying, THESE TWO IDIOTS FINALLY GOT TOGETHER! AND IT WAS PERFECT! I mean, it was awkward as s**t, but that's what makes it perfect! You know why? You wanna--Hey! *snaps fingers*. You want to know why? It's because they're teenagers. Of f**king course, it's going to be awkward! This is their first relationship, so there will be a lot of missteps along the way. And that, in itself, brings me to the best (second best part?) thing about it happening in episode eight of the new seasons. Most endgame couples get together in the climax or even at the end of the series. But to have them get together this early on, means there will be quite a few episodes dedicated to showing them grow as a couple.

And better than that--EVEN F**KING BETTER THAN THAT--dozens of kids are going to see these two, a realistic depiction of young love that just so happens to involve two girls, and are going to learn once and for all that there is nothing wrong with being who they are. That fact alone is f**king incredible. Yes, it sucks that season three got cut short, and we'll have even less time with Luz and Amity, but knowing how many kids have felt seen today almost makes it worth it in the end.

And if I see one mother f**ker saying this was poorly paced, I might just hunt them down for SPORT...Sorry if that was an overreaction. I'M JUST SO HAPPY! Because they're happy! Look at them. Listen to them! It's so...GAH-HAHAHA!

“They’re adorable! And deserve all the happiness!”: You're darn right, Hooty! You're darn right.

King’s Father(?) Shows Up: What the--WHAT?! They're doing this now?! Here?! After everything else?

Oh, man. What could this mean? What dynamic changes will this cause in the main cast? How could the writers fit this in during the next two episodes? And what--

Hooty Eats the Letter: ...Pfffft--HAHAHAHA!

Oh, man...I should be mad, and I wouldn't blame others if they are...but that is too much of a brilliant f**k you that I can't help but appreciate it. Bravo writers. Bravo.

WHAT I DISLIKED

...Dislikes? Dislikes? You would honestly believe that after everything I witnessed in this episode, that I would have the gull to list anything wrong with it?!

HOW DARE YOU ASSUME THAT I WOULD BE SO CALLUS TO--Actually, I do kind of have an issue with the episode's title. It's just too much of an awkward mouthful for me to get behind. I understand that the writers wanted to sneak the K into the secret message, but were there really no other titles starting with K that they couldn't come up with?

But that's just a personal issue, and in no way do I think anybody else would feel the same way. Especially with how well-written everything else is anyway.

IN CONCLUSION

"Knock Knock Knockin' on Hooty's Door" (title aside) is another A+ episode. It was hilarious, heart-wrenching, and downright adorable while keeping me entertained with every minute. I'm sure there are some issues I was willing to ignore due to how expertly written everything else was, but why bother looking for the chinks in the armor when I could just enjoy a perfect episode for being so...perfect! Some of you might be willing to disagree with me, but to that, I say: Don't knock it till you've tried it.

(Now, if you don't excuse me, I'm going to go lie down. It's...It's been a day.)

#the owl house #the owl house season 2 #the owl house reviews #the owl house spoilers #toh spoilers #toh hooty #king clawthorne #eda clawthorne #raeda #luz noceda #amity blight #lumity #lumity is canon #what i thought about

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xingfendou · 2 years

Text

Theory about Fyodor's ability

“First of all, thank Nika for inspiring me to write an analysis post about Fyodor’s ability. Because your post is so amazing and I love it so much. Thanks Nika.

You can read her post in here

Thank all the great contributors: @dazaiscans and @gold-pavilion (Red-san) for let me using your translation to make this meta.

Many thanks to @chazukekani (Kani) & @nikadoesanart (Nika) for translating all BSD Manga chapters, for us to read.

If you guys have not translated, clean, typesetting, edit manga, we -BSD fans will never understand a single content of it. Thank you all”

Thank seniors for always advice, supporting me when I feel unconfident or doubt myself, and encouraging me to write this.

Thanks and love y’all.”

Please notify that: English is not my mother language, and I was trying so hard to write this.This is also the first time, I'm writing an analysis-meta too.Thank you for understand!

Enjoy your read!

___________________________________

The first time, Fyodor uses his ability is after he successfully intrusion to steal information in Port Mafia and talk to Karma then he touch and kill him then leave.

Before that, Karma talks to Fyodor, sharing his dream, and how he becomes a slave and always hoping that someday someone will defeat Ace to free him and others like him.

Source: Dazaiscan's translation

But then, Karma is aware and realize that:

"He's not deserving to be rescued or saved anymore"

Source: Dazaiscan's translation

Because he is a bad person

And he feels guilty about that.

Even though, he was being forced to do everything Ace ask.

Because he's a slave, and he doesn't have a right to choose what he wanna do.

Later, Fyodor's using his ability on him

Source: Dazaiscan's translation

And then, Karma died with a smile on his face

Like he just has eased his burden on his shoulders and then gone forever.

After he died, Fyodor said:

“Release from the yoke of sin

Save the soul”

For me, Fyodor's ability has released the guilty from Karma, that's why he feels and looks so relieved and gone with the smile on his face like that.

Cause Karma, never thought that: “He will be saving or rescued by the death like that”

-> Fyodor's ability has saved his soul, release him from guilty about being a bad awful person

Fyodor used to say about Ace’s death he said:

“The crime is thinking, the crime is breathing”

“And now he is liberated from the crime”

For Fyodor : "Ace, he is soul free now"

And from now on, he can't harm and hurt anyone else

Remember that, Ace has done a lot of bad things before like:

-Buy slaves and force them to work for him. If they don't, he will threaten and turn them into gemstones.

-He also threatened Fyodor to wear a collar and using his ability on him if he don't cooperate with him.

-He violence Fyodor by thrashing his head with a bottle of wine to warn him about killing him.

-He also secretly intention work in the shadow to betray the Port Mafia behind their back.

Ace has so many crimes. But he don't aware of it, he doesn't feel any guilt or regret for what he has done at all.

-> And he will continue to do that if he's still alive now

Fyodor used to Dazai that:

“Man...is sinful and foolish”

“Even if they know it's an artifice, they cannot help but kill each other”

“Someone must purify them for those sins”

For Fyodor:

Humans always have sinned.

The way they live is already a sin.

They're a fool, they make crimes and kill each other.

They're not aware of how sinful they're.

And they will continue to make stupid mistakes again, again and again.

And for Fyodor: the only way to liberated from the yoke of sín is death.

Cause when dying, they will not feel the pain, suffering, guilty or being foolish, making many mistake or killing each other any more.

That's the reason why he wants to use the book to make a free world

=> A world without sins, where crime is far from existing

The second time, he mentioned his ability again in DEAD APPLE.

He talked to Shibusawa that:

“Have you never thought about why my specialty ability doesn’t leave me in this fog?”

“I am a crime.”

“I am punishment.”

“Did you know?

“Crime and punishment are close friends.”

According to his word, we can conclude that:

” Crime & Punishment” are parallel friends, they cannot be or be separated, they always work and stick together.

-> That's why they don't leave him in fog

"If you have crime then you will be punishment, no matter who you're"

Ace has been punished because he's not aware of what crime he has done.

Karma has been saving because he's aware of his crime, so Fyodor's granted him a great silence for that

To free him from the guilty he has been holding.

Now, take a look closer at Nathaniel’s and Goncharov’s & Gogol’s case.

They have close contact with Fyodor the most.

1. The first is Nathaniel

He works with Fyodor to save Michell from the coma.

Before that, he has been feel guilty, cause because of him, Michell has been in a coma, and she not have been a sign of wake yet

But when he becomes an assassinate to separate virus for Fukuzawa

When he fight with Akutagawa, he didn't remember anything at all, when talking to Akutagawa.

Source: Dazaiscan's translation

For me, because he is aware of what has led to Mitchell’s current situation, and he felt guilty for that.

If not because of him, Mitchell wouldn't come now.

And Fyodor's using the ability on him to brainwash release him , free from his guilty feeling.

-> That's the reason why he doesn't remember anything

2. The second is Goncharov

When he fights with Akutagawa and Atsushi.

Source: Dazaiscan's translation

He said to Akutagawa that he didn't feel anything apart from joy and happiness.

Even though, he has been wounded and hurts a lot during and after the fight.

“He won't stop smiling and laughing.”

You can see it clearly on his face.

For me, Fyodor has using his ability on Goncharov.

That's why he can't feel anything else, just only “feel joy and happiness.”

Goncharov may be feeling so much pain before, and maybe he wishes that to go away, so he can feel just only joy and happiness.

-> That's why Fyodor uses his ability on him to fulfill his wish.

3. And last but not least, Gogol

When Atsushi fight with Gogol, asking why he kills people to buying time for himself.

Gogol give him the first answer:

” Cause it's fun”

It feels me with joy and it's give me such a thrill!

It's just like any other cold-blooded killer! I have no grand motive

I’m an Enigma with no inner persona!

Then he laughs and stabs Atshushi a lot like an insane clown.

And then he said:

” Well…

...That's the first reason I give to the victim ask me before

Sounds like it would make sense, no?

“Being killed by an inhuman monster...is unfair but they at least die convinced.”

And then he gives Atsushi, the real answer

He said:

” I’m a perfectly sane people”

"I know murdering are evil, and I feel guilty at anyone would”.

Although, he knows killing is bad and he pretends to be an"insane clown" to kill victims and let them convince them to die. Without dissatisfaction or regret of anything.

But he still feels guilty for doing that.

And then, he explains more about his wish and wants it all along and the reason why he joined “The Decay Of Angel”

I’m sure you want to ask why I still kill despite that

Well, Let’s see…

”Do you like birds?”

Cause I do

The full freedom of flight, not being bound by gravity… It’s what I always wanted.

That’s why I joined” The decay of Angel”

-> Gogol wants to be free, to escape, release his feeling to be free as a bird.

When he prepared and the following stick to plan.

Before he died,

Gogol said that:

“It’s time to break out of this prison!”

The inherent brain-washing we call morality!

I seek…

… For my soul more than any kind of joy!

=> He willing to risk all include his life for freedom his soul

Remember one thing that:

"Manipulating is not ability of Fyodor, it's just his skill."

He used to say that to Kamar, before killing him.

Source: Dazaiscan's translation

Fyodor also used to manipulated Ace and make him believed to escape from his trap and died on his will.

He manipulates Gogol and Sigma, Nathaniel and Goncharvor too.

Giving them what they want.

“Happiness & Joy, Home, Freedom or A Cure for someone you care for.”

And then, he poisoned them with their desires.

(Yes, I know, I was inpsrired this by Nika's post)

He uses the things they want and then controls, making them work for him.

-For Goncharvor, it's the feeling of joy and happiness.

-For Nathaniel, helping Mitchell out of a coma.

-For Gogol is to be free from his limitations and to be free like a bird.

-And for Sigma, it's a home where he belongs to.

Source: Akai-Koutei translation's

And when he has manipulated them, he try to find a way to control, brainwash them.

->Using his manipulative skills to kill them like Ace and Gogol's case.

->Or using his ability on them like Nathaniel and Goncharvor'case

- There have a small scene: When Fyodor being surrounded by the government, he get touched by a government soldier and then the soldier die immediately on his spot.

Source: Dazaiscan's translation

We can conclude that:

=> Fyodor's ability is still activated through touch and contact through the outer layer of clothing on his body.

So, we can summary and gather all the details and conclude that:

"Crime and Punishment"-Fyodor ability is:

He can active his ability by touching them

-> Give them a serenity death like karma's case

=> Or brainwash them to forget about their sins, all their guilty also their memory like Nathaniel’s case.

=> Or remove their emotional part that they don’t feel pain or sadness anymore like Goncharvor’s case

-> If they have recognized, aware of their sins and willing to escape from it. Fyodor will release them from their sins.

He will touch and grant them a great silence

And he punishes them by giving them death if they’re not aware of their sins like the solider of government and Ace.

P/s: All that details will more suitable explanation more why Fyodor's ability named Crime and Punishment. It's will be more logical to thinking like that way.

Thank you for reading here.

Have a great day!

Fen

#bsd fyodor #bsd analysis #bsd meta #bsd theories #fyodor's ability #xingfendou meta-analysis

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caesthetix · 3 years

Text

SAY A LITTLE PRAYER — Pt. 3 No God Made A Sin

↪Eren Yeager mini-series

↪content; major character death, canon universe, heavy angst, homicide, description of violence, established relationship, spoiler for season 4

A small, bitter chuckle slipped from his lips.

He was relieved. Eren Yeager had never felt this relief over nineteen years of his life.

A few minutes had passed since the time you were supposed to be here. He won, he could alter the future by changing some of his actions. Yes, it made you get shot before as you left since he gave you a cold shoulder in the airship, but at least that means you were not going to be here.

He was certain your friends would be extra protective over you with the wound you had right now. A little more to the right and you would end up like Sasha. The reminder alone was enough to make him shudder. Yes, he could keep you from death as long as you were not here, and he cursed himself for not trying to do the same with Sasha.

But there was only so much that a man could change.

He didn't know what would happen if he altered the event too much. Right now, he was aiming for something bigger, a future where he did not have to do evil things such as crashing the whole world to the ground.

And if this worked, if you were really not going to be here, maybe he would be given a chance for redemption after all.

Maybe from this — by being blessed with seeing how the world would unfurl — he could change the future that was supposed to be so doomed.

Now, an hour has passed. He was sure you were not going to meet him tonight, hopefully never again if that was even possible. If that means his attitude would make you afraid of him from now on, that was the price he was willing to pay.

At least you survived, at least you were going to be alive somewhere up there with the rest of his comrades.

Soon, everything would be over. And you were going to be happy living with someone else. He could see how a certain ash-brown haired scout always gave you a gaze full of affection, and he wished, in a future that was stretched out of reach for him and far from his vision, you would live a happy life.

He wouldn't have to see you cry if somehow he was the one who would say the first goodbye. He wouldn't have to endure the pain of leaving someone behind, he knew how it felt when someone you loved was taken away from you, and he didn't want you to endure such pain.

Yet at the same time, he didn't know if he could bear the fact to be left behind by you.

Ever since he saw the emptiness inside your eyes when he kissed Historia's hand, he could never erase that particular memory out of his mind. You still talked to him, resting your head on his shoulder, running your fingers on his brown hair, planting small kisses on his forehead — oh how he wondered what would you do if only you knew.

There were times when he wanted to give in, to confess his sin every time you asked him to share his burden with you. Maybe you would leave, if you knew what would happen in the future, you were going to scramble away from him, look at him as if he were a monster, just like how a lot of people saw him.

But he was so fucking selfish.

Even if he knew what would happen if you stayed with him, he still longed for you. To see you pinching Mikasa's cheek affectionately, one that made the ravenette drilling hole in your head despite how she never refused the gesture anyway.

To hear you encouraging Sasha and Connie as they tried to pull a prank on the headquarters, that mostly resulted in the three of you getting scolded by Captain Levi. There were lots of memories that perhaps wouldn't happen if only he confessed his sin to you.

And up until now, he still asked himself if there was another way to get through this hell called earth.

Without some sacrifices, without losing you and his friends.

"I hate the fact you always end up in a prison somehow."

His emerald pupils widened for a second when he heard the familiar voice. Even his reflection looked at him with horror. No, no. You were not supposed to be here, he was not supposed to hear your voice that he craved so much.

"Love, are you running out of clean shirts? Should I fetch one for you?"

The sentences, he had heard it all before. Haunting him for so many years even when he laid next to you every night. Maybe he just needed to keep his mouth shut. If he didn't say anything, you would get bored and leave. "Goodness Eren, you could at least make your bed!"

"Shut up."

He couldn't, he couldn't hear it anymore. It was too much.

"Huh? What do you mean shut up?"

Why, why was there no fear in your intonation?

"I knew you were stupid, but not this stupid."

His gaze never left the mirror in front of him. He didn't dare to turn his head and find you there at the other side of the bars, he could not let the future he saw become a reality. "Leave. I don't want to see you right now."

"Hm, don't want to."

He was flabbergasted at your answer. You were supposed to be understanding, agree with whatever he said without questioning him even further. He expected you to turn around and never come back. But rather than hearing your footsteps echo through the wall, he heard the jangling of the key instead.

You were here. Not just standing outside like a dumb visitor, you were here inside the cell with him as if the man in this same room as you right now was not someone who just literally committed genocide to a whole town.

He heard a small hum coming from your lips and some rustles of sheets being made. You really made his bed — the cold, hard, uncomfortable mattress for a criminal, treating him like he was a kind man, maybe even a God with how much you had done in your life while singing his hymn.

For you to fight, you fight for Eren.

For you to kill, you kill for Eren.

For you to live, you live for Eren.

His breath was laboured right now, every step that you took felt like a reminder that at the end, he was the one who would be responsible for whatever was going to happen next. But then again, he couldn't find it, the reason. You have been here for a while and yet he could not find the reason why he did that in his vision.

Maybe he could change the future, after all, he could only count on high hopes at this moment, deciding to stay put in his place as he stared back to his own reflection. Then he felt warm, engulfing him completely as you stood right beside him. He could see you peering at his face from the corner of his eyes, beady orbs looked at him with the same kind of love.

"You still looked as handsome as ever, Eren. You don't need to look at the mirror with that flame in your eyes!" You joked, who in the right mind would tease a man who had thousands of blood on his hand? The answer, you. The one and only. "You look at it as if it is so ugly you despise it." But he despised it indeed, he despised the man who he saw in the mirror.

He let out a sigh, shaking his head at your antics. It was surprising how devoted you were to him, you were no one but a stranger at first. But the way you cared for him, he craved for it too, since you didn't make him feel suffocated, didn't make him feel weak. No. Instead, he felt how it feels to be loved purely by heart.

Eren did not save you from kidnappers like how he did to Mikasa, he did not save you from bullies like how he did to Armin either. But you somehow looked at him as if he was God, a purpose to live, without him needing to do anything at first.

You were not possessive, you just — loved him. Scolding him when he was too much of an ass, helping him get through the training for three years in the cadet corps, showing the same excitement like Armin did when the talk of the outside world was brought up. Even though you loved him, you didn't make him feel like he needed to run away.

Maybe that was why he sought your company, the reason why with time, he was head over heels for you too.

"Eren?"

You called out, one hand resting on his naked back. Your fingers that were calloused going up and down to soothe him, urging him to take a deep breath. Yes, you were here for him. He wouldn't have to do such a thing as what his vision told him to.

"Hey."

There it was, a simple greeting. You looked at him with awe, your eyes gleaming with excitement as he finally turned his face to take a proper look at you. You looked so radiant, even if you were just bathed with a yellow hue from the torch on the wall.

Through his eyes, you were so adorable. Yes, you sure were beautiful before, but when he gazed at you, when he gave you the attention that you craved for — it was as if you have been blessed by God.

Your smile met your eyes, those orbs suddenly glimmering with tears. It had been so long, to find his eyes fell upon your face. And he felt so bad that you needed to wait for years, for him to be brave enough facing you without being afraid of what could happen.

"I missed you so much, Eren."

You didn't wait for him to open up his arms as you jumped into him. It was like you knew that he wouldn't push you away, as if you could predict his movement after being given such a gesture from you.

His arms engulfed you in an instant, reciprocating the way you wrapped your hands giddily around his neck. It had been so long indeed, and he just wanted to cry at this moment. He buried his face at the crook of your neck, inhaling the scent that could make him feel so much better.

In your arms, it feels like he was home. Your existence was enough to make him feel like a child whose task was just going home before night and running an errand to buy groceries. Now he knew why he felt so empty for the last few years.

It was because he always pushed you away.

Because he neglected the home that he was supposed to come back to.

"I missed you so much too."

And just tonight, even if it was just a few minutes, he wanted to cherish how it felt to have you in his arms once again.

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* ༶•┈┈⛧┈〄┈⛧┈┈•༶ *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

He never felt comfort like this for a long time. Snuggling close to your body, taking a deep breath as he memorized your scent — he wished he had more time with you than half an hour.

"Hm, how many minutes have passed?"

He asked groggily, emitting a chuckle from your lips at how cute he sounded just now.

"I think twenty? Twenty-five?"

"What? No. I am sure it was just five minutes."

You laughed at how he scrunched his forehead, lips turned into a scowl as he realised that the time was almost up. He was pouting, Eren Yeager was pouting like a kid who was scolded by his parents.

Absent-mindedly, you raised one of your hands to cup his cheek, thumb grazing softly on his skin. Eren was a gift that God bestowed upon you, or maybe he was a God himself with how gorgeous he was. He and his emerald eyes, mesmerized you as his gaze flickered to your orbs.

And then down to your lips.

His fingers slipped in between the strands of your hair as his gaze flew back to your eyes, never broke the eye contact that you two shared after that. He grasped your hair softly, just enough to secure your position, but not too harsh that it could hurt.

"Eren."

You whispered his name like a prayer as he started to lean in, closer and closer, wanting to erase the gap that separated you and him. He didn't need to ask, he knew from the way you parted your lips, you wanted him to do it.

Then who was he to ignore such a request from his lover?

You closed his eyes, only for him to follow after. At this moment, it was as if the time had stopped, and the only thing that you could hear was just the beating of his heart resonating through the room.

He could feel your breath fanning his lips, reminding him that this would be the first kiss that you two shared after months without physical contact. And truthfully, he couldn't wait to taste your lips anymore.

Grasping your hair a little bit tighter, he finally captured your lips.

He saw it, all of the kisses that you two have shared. Each moment played in his mind as if to show him what was true happiness felt like. From the first accidental kiss as he slumped on your figure at hand-on-hand combat, to the first real kiss that sealed a promise at the battle of Trost.

It was so beautiful, each moment that happened. There was this one kiss after his fight with the female titan in Stohess, another after the scout took him back from Reiner and Bertolt's grasp, it was not much, but all the kisses had been planted in his mind to be remembered forever.

Everything was replaying as if he saw a record of his life. Over and over again like a broken record. Your tears stained cheek when you kissed him at Reiss Chapel, him asking for comfort through your lips after reclaiming Shiganshina, the drunk kisses in Marley, the last peck that he gave before he departed alone —

"I am sorry." The ravenette cried, her cheek was filled with bruises and tears. "I am so sorry." Her blade was buried on someone's torso, deep enough to end their life, she just needed to move the edge from the body to finish it. But she stopped, she didn't have the courage to twist the edge, not yet.

Someone's cough, a small chuckle followed after as their breath started to get heavier for every second passed.

"It's alright, Mikasa." That voice was comforting, making the woman in front of them cried harder. "This was the path that I chose."

The sky was blue that day, rough wind blew their hair mercilessly, reminding them how they were far away from the ground right now. Ah, yes, they remembered now how everything leads up to this moment. They were here for some reason; to fight, to kill, and to keep on living.

But they did it all for him.

You did it all for him.

"Why?" She choked out as her hands trembled. "Why did you stay with him? Look at what he did, look at how many lives he had taken." So, she had realised that. "How could you stay for him, (Y/n)?!"

"Hm?" You hummed softly, realising that darkness slowly replacing the light in your vision. "What else, Mikasa?" Another chuckle, though halted with how you cough blood after that. "Because I love him."

Yes, as simple as that.

Your eyes fleeting pass her, watching how your old friends were fighting for their own life in the grasp of the ninth titan ancestors. They were here to kill, to stop your lover from finishing his mission. And there was nothing else that you could do.

You were already done for at this point, with how a single move could kill you in an instant, you knew that your time was up, there was nothing that you could change. Well, maybe except one.

"Let me go, Mikasa." You whispered as you looked at her once again. "Pull the blade, let me fall." It was as if you were trying to save her from the regret and pain that would ensue knowing she was the one who took your life away. "It's okay, I promise."

She was hesitating, her head whipped to the back since she could hear some heavy footsteps closing in. A titan or two was ready to attack her, and she needed to think fast at this point.

"Mikasa, look at me." She bit her lips, yet immediately looked down at you from the command. "I am already proud of myself for staying by his side. I will be gone as a loyal partner." You pushed yourself to grab the blade, reminding her of the situation. "But you still need to live, you have to find a way to keep on fighting."

You wanted to say more, but there was not enough time and energy. The titans were close, everyone was fighting so hard to sway them away from your black-haired friend. But they couldn't hold those monsters much longer, Mikasa needed to decide now.

Sucking a deep breath and ignoring the pain that filled your lungs, you screamed at her, snapping her for one last time.

"Mikasa! Pull away the blade! Now!"

And she did.

The next second you were falling, your body hitting the head of the colossal titan, from one titan to another, slowing you down from the inevitable death that would follow after. Your eyes never left the blue sky that spread in your vision, securing it as the last thing that you saw.

You couldn't feel anything as your body landed on the ground. Too numb, too broken to feel any pain even though in reality, your body was already disorientated, gigantic feet stomping at your limbs. But you didn't cry out for help.

You just accepted it, as red replaced the blue, as flesh replaced the fresh air in the sky.

A smile never left your tear-stained cheek. You didn't even realise that you cried. Yet one thing that you knew for sure, you didn't cry because of how it all turns out, you didn't cry because of the path that you chose, you didn't cry because you ended up dead under the titans that your lover activated.

But you cried because you have been wondering, if everything that you did was enough.

For him.

"Hey, Eren, have I been good enough for you?"

"Yes, you have." He couldn't breathe. "You have— You are good enough for me. You are even more than enough." It was too much to process, even more than that time he saw this moment unfurled in his vision.

Because back then, he didn't know what actually happened. He couldn't see the reason why he cried, he couldn't understand why he had his hand wrapped around your neck with one goal that he always hated.

To kill you.

But now his question was answered, now he knew why he in his vision decided to do such a thing to you.

"Love?" How could he face you now? "Oh, Eren, why are you crying?" You were so caring, thumb grazing on his cheek to erase all tears that never seemed to stop. "I promise I will give you lots of kisses later on too, okay?"

This made him snort, snapping him back to reality as he composed himself. He pulled away from you, sitting on the edge of the bed. So sudden he could even feel the pang in his heart for leaving such warmth. If he felt like this, he couldn't imagine how your heart ached from his gesture.

He contemplated, head hanging low as he stared at his two hands that were now trembling. You were going to die, slow and painful if he decided to keep you alive. Alone, disentangled, heavily wounded, and crushed by the sixty meters titan. He let out a bitter chuckle, knowing that whatever he did, you were going to die because of him.

"What can I do to make you leave me?"

It was so quiet, he couldn't even hear your breath after he threw the question. Eren waited for an answer, he wished you to say something, anything, he wanted to make sure that you were not going to follow him. He wanted you to be saved, for you not to feel such agonizing death.

But you just cleared your throat. He could hear you kicking the blanket that covered you before, muttering under your breath in frustration before jumping down the bed. Your action made him raise his eyebrows, wondering why you looked so angry, why you seemed disturbed with his question.

"(Y/n), answer—"

"Nothing!"

He was taken aback by your outburst. Now he was the one who could not see your expression with how you gave him your back instead. "Nothing, Eren. There's nothing that you could do." You walked to where you put your jacket, snatching it from the ground. "You could try anything, but I will stay. I will stay and side with you. Always."

He closed his eyes, searching for an answer inside his mind. From anyone that he knew, it must be you who had a painful death.

No, he couldn't let you die like that. You deserved a future, in a world where peace and freedom were finally within your reach, he wanted you to see that, go live through that, even though it was not with him. That was what he promised you after all, freedom.

"You hear me, Eren?" You exclaimed, slipping your jacket before turning your body to face him, gaze locked with his. "I am not going anywhere. Not even if you ask me to." Your voice softened by now. As if you didn't care that he looked at you with his cold, murderous eyes.

There was nothing that could make him change your mind, he should have known that. The way you spoke, the tone that you used, was enough to make him understand. That he couldn't ask you to leave, he couldn't threaten you to stay with the Survey Corps.

In the end, your death was something that couldn't be altered.

It was either later, or now.

You gasped, body slammed to the brick wall behind you. Your feet flailing around, pupils widened with shock as you choked out. Huffing for air, he gripped your neck tighter, not giving you a chance to get more. Not enough, tighter! You looked so helpless for a second, panic struck your mind as you thrashed around.

But then your eyes met with his, and just like that, you stopped.

He didn't know what you were thinking. You just stared at him. Lips parted, trying to say something even though your oxygen was limited by now. He could see the colour draining from your face, little by little. And yet you kept on trying, pushing the words from your lips.

"I will—"

Your voice cracked, yet your eyes still held his gaze. With the same comfort look that he always found, with no fear in your orbs like how so many people looked at him.

"Devote my heart—"

He ignored how your right hand went up to your chest, balled into a fist as you gave him a sincere smile. A smile that was full of pride. As if living and fighting for him was something that you were proud of.

"To you."

It was a salute. That was what you gave him. You have become a good soldier, he knew that. Fighting alongside him to kill the enemies, staying by his side when everyone was afraid of him, still looking at him with the same love and kindness despite all things that he had done.

Up until now.

Up until now as the colour in your eyes was gone.

You still looked at him, as if he was God.

He choked out, now the one who gasped for air as his vision blurred with tears. The realisation hit him, gnawing his soul as slow as possible so he could taste the grief even more. He wanted to scream out when Sasha died. But now, knowing you were the one who died and because of him on top of that —

He wanted to rip his heart into pieces.

"I am sorry." He sobbed, releasing his grip on your neck before pulling you to his embrace. "I am sorry, I am such a coward. I am sorry." He couldn't, he couldn't see you die fighting for him. He couldn't see you get trampled by those titans that were supposed to give you freedom.

So this was the answer. Yes, that was it. It would be better for you to see freedom in another world. In a world without titans, without death trying to catch up with you anywhere you go, without someone that would die in a few years as your lover and comrades.

A chuckle slipped from his lips as his fingers tangled on your damp hair, smoothing it out softly as he kissed the side of your face, bidding farewell to someone who he knew would always be with him. Even if the body couldn't follow him anymore.

Closing his eyes, he smiled, remembering the day he met you. As darkness stretched through the horizon, and a full moon was the only thing that lit the world. You were flying around with your manoeuvre gear, practising even though it was late at night.

He was amazed at how you could even hear him walk towards you. The way you whipped your head to face him, a smile of relief tugged on your lips as you realised it was just another cadet, the soft look inside your eyes and how it shone brighter with the moon reflected your glossy orbs.

This was the choice that he knew he would regret less. For you to die without fear, with your typical gentle gaze that could melt everyone on sight. For you to be free, to reach whatever paradise that you would see after you took your last breath.

He could only wish that someday he would be with you again.

Letting you go, he stood up without faltering. His emerald orbs that you always adored now would be forever dull. Like a dark leaf that fell from its tree; it couldn't gleam anymore. His lips shaped into a thin line, staring at your lifeless body one last time before turning his back on you.

This moment was a turning point. Now he knew that he couldn't change anything. He was tied to his vision, all the plans must be executed. And without you in this world, perhaps it would be so much easier for him to just look forward and finish his duty.

He didn't look back, dragging his feet to the sink before filling it with water. He fetched the hairband in his pocket, eyes never leaving the reflection that looked at him with red and tired eyes. Just a little bit longer. He washed his face, not bothering to wipe it with a cloth as he let the water drip down the sink.

Just a little bit longer and you could go find her again.

Eren Yeager has given you your freedom.

Now, he just needed to grant freedom to the rest of the world.

↪Back to Wall Maria

↪Citizen; @queenofcurse

↪Send an ask if you want to be a citizen of Paradis (taglist)!

#eren x reader #eren yeager x reader #eren jaeger x reader #eren x y/n #eren angst #eren yaegar #eren jaeger #attack on titan eren #aot x reader #aot imagines #aot x y/n #aot #snk x reader #snk #eren imagines #eren jeager x reader #eren jaeger imagines #eren yeager imagines

162 notes · View notes

obeyme-kaidii-writes · 3 years

Note

Alright, this combination spoke to me. I personally am struggling to pick between Lucifer, Satan, Beelzebub, and Diavolo as my favorite, I love all of them. So Poly with the four, but with the angst prompt of "I don't know how much longer I can endure this." in response to the tortures of not being able to choose. Up to interpretation, but this resonated with me.

I may have gotten a teensy tiny bit carried away with this one. But I had a lot of fun writing it, so I hope you enjoy it too!

Complicated

Diavolo / Lucifer / Satan / Beel x poly gn!MC

Words - 5330

Content warnings - some angst, lots of comfort and fluff, polyamorous relationship w/MC (no demon x demon relationships)

Prompt/Inspiration - anon request, “I don’t know how much longer I can endure this.”

Summary - You had managed to fall in love with not one, not two, but FOUR demons - and now you had to figure out what came next.

AO3

Complicated.

There really wasn’t another way to describe the current state of your life.

Beel was the first one to really take an interest in you. A genuine interest. You fell in love hard and fast. Perhaps it was the guilt over not being able to reveal what you knew about Belphegor’s situation, but you didn’t feel comfortable making your feelings for him known. It just seemed like something that would burden him, and you really didn’t want to risk losing the one friend you felt the most safe with while you were all alone in this new realm.

As your year progressed, the situation with Belphegor was finally resolved. But still, you hesitated to say anything. You knew how close he was to Belphie, and you convinced yourself that it would be best if you didn’t do anything that would come between them. It was obvious even to your own heart that you were just making excuses for yourself, too scared to take a step forward.

It was then you started growing closer to Lucifer. Your initial relationship with him had been...strained...to say the least. But after he realized the lengths you were willing to go to in order to help his brothers, he couldn’t help but fall in love with you. You had an inner strength that he honestly admired, though he would probably never admit that to you. And he enjoyed your company immensely, even if it was just having you nearby while he worked. Everything just seemed easier with you around, even Mammon’s shenanigans didn’t stress him out quite like they used to anymore. And you enjoyed his company as well - he was a source of stability for you in the chaos of the House of Lamentation. You would often take refuge in his study with him to recharge after a day of playing referee for the other overgrown children you had as housemates.

You had also managed to catch Satan’s eye, particularly after the whole dating sim fiasco with Levi. He liked the fact that you saw him as an individual - you never compared him to Lucifer, nor did you ever try to force the issue about them getting along. You just let Satan be...Satan. And he loved spending time with you reading together. It was like the two of you had your own private book club; he was always ready with a book recommendation for you.

It was Satan that had actually approached you first about the possibility of being in a relationship. You were surprised to hear that he had had such a strong interest in you, since he was always so reserved most of the time. Your initial reaction was of course to want to say yes, but the fact that Beel, and Lucifer especially, still held pieces of your heart made you feel incredibly guilty. You didn’t even have to ask to know that Lucifer was the absolute last person he’d ever be ok with sharing your affections with, even if you could get him to consider a polyamorous relationship.

So, you instead asked Satan for time. And he agreed to give you some space to think things over. You knew it was unfair to him to expect him to wait...but you couldn’t bring yourself to tell him “no”. You didn’t want to tell him “no”, after all. It was just the only option you felt was available to you.

Hoping to avoid Satan, and delay the inevitable, you started spending more time with Barbatos at the Demon Lord’s Castle. He taught you all about Devildom teas, and showed you how to bake some of Diavolo’s favorite treats. And Diavolo was more than happy to sample everything you tried your hand at preparing.

At some point, you had just started dropping by even when Barbatos was busy, just to chat with Diavolo and he was always glad to see you. He’d ask you about your life in the human realm, and you’d ask him about life in the Devildom. You probably learned more about Devildom history and lore from these conversations than you ever did in class at RAD; and you eagerly soaked it all up, hanging on Diavolo’s every word, absolutely enchanted with his storytelling ability and his life experiences that spanned several millennia.

Unlike with Beel, or even Lucifer, you didn’t realize when you had started falling for Diavolo, or Dia as he asked you to call him now. One day you had just tried to stop by, only to learn that he was still stuck at RAD, working with Lucifer. And you were absolutely devastated. It shocked you honestly at just how upset you had gotten over the loss of one simple visit. But as soon as you felt that familiar ache in your heart you knew exactly what was going on.

It was the same thing that you had been trying to avoid dealing with with Lucifer and his brothers. And you had somehow managed to get tangled up in again. Only this time things were far more complicated than family relationships between brothers. There was just no way you’d be allowed to enter into a relationship with Lord Diavolo, crown prince of the Devildom. That is if he was even interested in you in that way, which you highly doubted. Why would he be? You were just a simple human. You didn’t have any great experience or insight to offer, your education wasn’t even that exemplary. There was nothing about you that you felt entitled you to ever expect to be more than just friends with the Prince, and you were lucky he even humored your attempts at friendship.

You weren’t sure how, but you did manage to make it home that afternoon and crawled into bed. The tears just started on their own, and you were powerless to stop them. You had fought them off for far too long at this point, your body simply decided it had enough repressing those emotions and they all came pouring out. How much longer would you be able to endure this? You honestly didn’t think there was much more your heart could take, and you had no one to blame but yourself.

————

When Beel dropped by to remind you of dinner, you pretended to sleep and choked back your sobs until he went away. When Lucifer stopped by to check on you, you told him you were busy with schoolwork. And when Satan asked if you would like to come over to his room to read, you said you weren’t feeling well.

You thought you had managed to throw everyone off the scent. But when Diavolo popped in to apologize for not being there when you had tried to visit him earlier, everything quickly started to unravel.

You opened your bedroom door, completely shocked to see Dia and Lucifer on the other side. He had never come by before just to see you. Maybe a few times to check on Lucifer, but he usually would send Barbatos to run any important errands or to issue any invitations. Seeing him before you now, you immediately became aware of how awful you must have looked. Your eyes still red, your hair a mess, your uniform all disheveled since you hadn’t bothered to change when you got home.

As you stood there, opening and closing your mouth, struggling to string together a single coherent thought, the unthinkable happened - Beel walked by on his way to the kitchen, Satan not far behind him, and they both turned to look your way as they walked past your door. Your eyes flicked from Beel to Satan to Lucifer to Dia and you instinctively tried to slam your door shut to escape, but Lucifer caught it before you could.

“Is there something the matter?” he asked.

And of course, once again, your body decided it had just had enough of containing your repressed emotions and let your tears flow freely. This was it, you thought. You were going to be forced to face what you had been trying to avoid and that would just be the end of it all. Since you had refused to make a choice on your own, your choice was about to be made for you and you were going to end up with absolutely nothing as a result.

—————

It took awhile for you to calm down. Beel was sitting next to you on the edge of your bed with his arm wrapped protectively around your shoulders. Satan was standing nearby, holding a glass of water for you. You thanked him quietly for his thoughtfulness, and slowly sipped the chilled water, trying to buy yourself some time before you would start being forced to answer questions. And Lucifer and Dia were sitting across from you in two plush, wingback chairs that they had dragged away from the wall.

Everyone silently waiting for you.

“I’m...sorry…” you finally mumbled out. Beel gave you a reassuring squeeze, and Satan sat down beside you, taking your free hand. What you wouldn’t have given to be able to freeze time and just continue living in that perfect little moment surrounded by your favorite demons. But this was reality. And it was about time you faced that.

“It’s ok, but what are you apologizing for?” Satan asked.

“I umm…” your lip started trembling and you took a deep breath to try to calm yourself. There wasn’t any way to run from this, not this time.

“Take your time,” Beel reassured you, rubbing your arm.

“I’m sorry for avoiding you guys, especially you Satan. I know that wasn’t fair.” You felt him tense up beside you, no doubt expecting the reason for your avoidance to have been due to the fact you were planning on rejecting him. But he didn’t let go of your hand either, which only made you feel more guilty.

“It’s just...I can’t...I can’t choose…” you started to fidget nervously in your seat.

Lucifer seemed to have caught on quicker than the rest, “You mean to say you have feelings for more than one of us?” You meekly nodded, keeping your head down and your eyes glued to the floor. You had absolutely no desire to see the expressions on everyone’s faces as they exchanged looks with one another.

By this point Dia was getting a bit uncomfortable. This didn’t seem like the sort of conversation he should be part of - it was between Lucifer and his brothers after all. Even though he treasured you greatly, he had never made those feelings known to you nor had you ever expressed more than friendly interest in him, so it didn’t even occur to him that he might also be involved.

“I think I’ll go ahead and head out so…”

“No..!” you called out, looking Dia right in the eye, desperate for him to stay. You were surprised at your own reaction, but you couldn’t let him leave without knowing how you felt. The only thing that would hurt worse than him knowing your feelings and rejecting you, was if he thought you didn’t care for him at all and preferred someone else to him. And you couldn’t let that happen. You at least wanted a chance to keep him as your friend.

“I...ummm…you’re part of...this…” you mumbled out as your eyes fell to the ground again.

Diavolo was caught completely off guard with your confession, a deep blush spreading across his cheeks. As was Lucifer, who for the most part had been unaware that you had been spending enough time with the Prince to have any sort of relationship.

The silence that followed was killing you. It felt so oppressive. All you could do was wait for someone else to decide to speak. You couldn’t understand why Beel was still holding you so gently, or why Satan hadn’t moved from his spot next to you, your hand still wrapped in his. It was only a matter of time, you thought, before they’d all leave one by one and you’d find yourself alone. Part of you wanted them to hurry up and go so you could wallow in your own self pity, because the other part of you wanted them all to stay and tell you how much they all loved you, and you knew that was never going to happen.

“Can I speak with them? Alone?”

“Lord Diavolo…” Lucifer had started to object, but quickly stopped himself. He could use this time to talk to Satan and Beel, and it seemed they had a lot to talk about, “Alright, we will be in my study. Let us know when you’re finished.”

Satan, who had been staring at you this whole time, glared at Lucifer for assuming he’d just go along with his suggestion. But even he could see the tender look in his eyes as he gazed at you. There was no doubt Lucifer cared for you immensely, and seeing as this was for your benefit, Satan decided to comply, giving your hand one final squeeze before making his way out of your room.

Beel was having a more difficult time letting you go. He could practically feel how upset you were, and didn’t want to leave you alone. But after looking at Lucifer and Lord Diavolo, he finally accepted that it would be alright to leave you be for just a few moments. So, giving you one last hug and a kiss to the top of your head, he followed after Satan, with Lucifer not far behind.

Now alone with you, Dia dragged his chair closer to your bed so that he was sitting right in front of you, knees nearly touching. He took the now empty glass from you and set it down on the bedside table before taking both of your hands in his own.

“This has been bothering you for some time, hasn’t it?”

“...yeah…”

“Is this why you started spending so much time at the castle?”

“Sorta. I asked Barbatos to help me learn more about Devildom baking so I could avoid everyone else,” you gave a self deprecating laugh, “But then I started spending time with you….and...well then that started to be the reason I came…”

“So you really enjoyed our time together?”

“Of course!” you replied, raising your head to meet Diavolo’s gaze. He was much closer than you were expecting, and you flushed in embarrassment. He chuckled at your reaction. You were just so cute when you got flustered, he had a hard time resisting the urge to tease you, but he’d have to save that for later.

“Then why were you so upset?”

“Because...I...realized it didn’t matter.”

“Didn’t matter? Why would you think that?”

“Because...I’m...I'm just me. A simple human. And you’re you. And I should just be happy you even put up with me or talk to me at all. And even if I told you how I felt, it wouldn’t change how I feel about them and it just didn’t seem fair to have to choose, not after Satan already confessed to me. And I know Lucifer hasn’t said anything yet, but I can tell the way he looks at me. And there is no way Satan would ever be ok with me having any sort of relationship with Lucifer. And Beel is like my best friend and I’m sure if I say anything it would just upset Belphie and I don’t want to hurt him or make Beel think he has to choose…”

You snapped your mouth shut, realizing what you had just done. You had just unloaded everything, all the secrets and worries that had plagued your heart for the past several months, you had shared it all. To say you were mortified right now would be an understatement. You truly wished the ground would just swallow you up. You’d wish for death if you thought it would make a difference, but with your luck you’d just end up right back in the Devildom.

“So what I’m hearing is you’re too busy worrying about how everyone else feels to worry about yourself?”

You nodded your head, averting your eyes.

“What do you want then?”

“...it’s selfish…”

“Then be selfish. We’re demons after all.”

“Wha…?” you looked up at Dia again and he was gazing at you softly, a small smile on his lips as he encouraged you. Was it really ok for you to just ask for that ? Would they really not hate you if you did? It didn’t seem possible for you to get everything you’d want, how could you be that lucky? Surely if you said anything, then you’d lose everything, right?

At least that’s what your human conscience was telling you.

But here sat Lord Diavolo, future king of the Devildom, telling you that it was ok to ask for whatever you wanted, in a way that suggested you just might be granted it. And you wanted so badly to believe that that would be true.

“Go on, love, tell me what you want to do.”

————

Lucifer took a seat at his desk, leaning back in his chair and crossing his arms in front of himself. Finding out that you had a close relationship with Diavolo had come as a huge surprise. He had suspected that Satan had taken a liking to you, and he wasn’t at all surprised to discover that Beel was fond of you as well. But Diavolo? He wasn’t sure what to make of that.

“I assume you wanted to talk to us. So what is it?” asked Satan. He was agitated. He didn’t like the idea of leaving you alone with Lord Diavolo, especially not after it seemed that you may actually reciprocate his own feelings. But since, it appeared, he wasn’t the only one in your heart, he had to put your best interest first. And in this case that included letting you speak with Lord Diavolo while he discussed things with his brothers.

“Obviously.”

“Well?”

“First, I want to hear what your thoughts are on this matter. It’s clear that Satan has feelings for them, but what about you Beel? You’ve been quiet this whole time.”

Satan and Lucifer both turned to look at Beel who was seated in one of the large chairs near the fireplace. He raised his head to look at his brothers, before sighing and sitting back in his seat. He knew how much they cared for you. He had even started to realize when Lord Diavolo had begun to take an interest in you as even his casual interactions became more friendly. And he had decided that he was going to keep his own feelings to himself, not wanting to interfere in his brothers’ happiness. Never once had it occurred to him that he may have been causing you to suffer as a result.

“I love them,” he replied, a soft blush spreading across his cheeks. Of course he loved you. How could he not? You were just so bright in his eyes, and you brought so much hope with you. When you had told him that you wanted to help Lucifer and Belphie makeup when you had first arrived, he didn’t doubt you for a second. Even though he barely knew you at the time, he just had this feeling you’d make it happen. And the closer the two of you grew, the more deeply he trusted you, the stronger his love for you became, the more he wanted to protect you and your happiness.

“Then I suppose that makes three of us,” Lucifer said, clearing his throat.

“So? What are you suggesting we do?” asked Satan.

“That depends on them, of course. But it seems the primary reason for their struggle is because they feel unable to choose between us.”

“I already confessed directly, have you?” Satan asked, staring Lucifer down.

“I have not, and I don’t believe Beel has either,” Beel shook his head in agreement, “I think that’s irrelevant though based on the conversation we just had in their bedroom.”

Satan scoffed, walking to the other end of the room to put some distance between himself and Lucifer. Of course his brother was right. It didn’t really matter who said what first, or even who you fell in love with first. All that mattered was what you wanted. And right now, he wasn’t sure what you wanted at all.

He had to admit it did sting a little when he realized you weren’t interested in him alone. Particularly since Lucifer was one of the other parties involved. The idea of being in any sort of romantic relationship which also involved Lucifer just made his skin crawl. But despite that, the idea of losing you entirely was even more painful.

“I believe we need to decide what we would like to do if they express an interest in maintaining a relationship with all three...four...of us. Would either of you have any objections to that?”

Beel immediately shook his head. He didn’t have any issues with a polyamorous relationship, not if that’s what you wanted. He just wanted to see you happy, and he knew it would make him feel better if you were with someone else who loved you just as much as he did when he couldn’t be there. The only other concern that crossed his mind was how Belphie would react, but he knew that Belphie adored you too in his own way, and you enjoyed his company as well. So there really wasn’t any reason for Beel to say “no”.

“Satan?”

“No objections, so long as we get private time with them too.”

“Then it seems we are all agreed. We will wait to see what they decide.”

————

You wrapped your arms around Dia’s neck as he lifted you up effortlessly and spun you around, the both of you laughing. He was so glad to hear what you desired, and more than happy to do what he could to make that wish come true. You hardly asked for anything for yourself, something he found absolutely charming, but now that you confessed to him that you wanted to be his? He’d give you the whole Devildom if you asked for it. Maybe even if you didn’t.

You hid your face in his neck as you hugged him close. You were pretty sure you must be dreaming at this point, but you didn’t care. You were going to make the most of this dream for as long as it lasted. You still had the other 3 of your beloved demons to talk to, but having Dia on your side made that not seem nearly as scary now. He had given you permission to be yourself, and he didn’t shame you for it, or guilt you into changing your mind. He just listened, and accepted you with open arms.

“I want to suggest we make a break for it, and run off together, but I think Lucifer and his brothers are waiting for us.”

You pulled back to look Dia in the eyes, and smiled at him. He was even more handsome up close, and you couldn’t help but run your fingers through his hair before resting your forehead against his. You wanted to savor this moment for just a little while longer. After you left your room, there was going to be a whole host of things to discuss and negotiate. It might honestly be awhile before you’d get to have some alone time like this with him again, but you knew he was worth it. They all were. You’d figure things out one way or another, of that you were certain.

“Alright, I guess I’ve put this off long enough.”

“I probably shouldn’t carry you into Lucifer’s study, should I?”

“Probably not,” you laughed.

Diavolo set you down gently, only releasing you from his arms when he was sure you were steady on your feet. He pressed a tender kiss to your forehead before offering you his hand, and entwining his fingers with yours. He beamed at you, when he caught you staring at your joined hands, lifting them up to kiss the back of the one he was holding. You blushed at the gesture, but couldn’t help but smile when your eyes met his.

“Shall we?” he asked, leading you to your bedroom door.

————

You peered sheepishly around the corner of Lucifer’s study door before entering the room, Diavolo slightly behind you, with one hand gently resting on your lower back to encourage you. As your eyes scanned the room, Lucifer, Satan, and Beel all turned to face you, various expressions of anxiety and excitement written on their faces. You turned back to look at Dia, and he just smiled and nodded at you, guiding you inside.

“Hey…” was all you managed to squeak out.

Not wasting a moment, Beel rose to his feet and wrapped his arms about your shoulders, pulling you to his chest. He kissed the top of your head, before resting his cheek against you.

“I love you,” he whispered, “and I’m fine with whatever you want to do.” You clutched at his shirt in return, relief washing over you. He didn’t ask you any questions, he didn’t pressure you to make a choice. He just supported you like he always did, the same support you gave him. You took a deep breath, breathing in his scent, before slowly pulling away so you could see his face. He smiled at you softly, and you just felt your heart melt. How could a demon possibly be this cute? you wondered.

“I love you too,” you replied, making his smile broaden. You hadn’t said it to him yet, and hearing those words in your voice made him want to jump for joy. Caught up in the moment, you briefly forgot about the others in the room with you, until Lucifer cleared his throat. You blushed heavily when you realized you were being watched, and you could hear Dia chuckling behind you.

Beel let you go, but immediately grabbed your hand and brought you to the chair he had been sitting in earlier. You took your seat, starting to feel a bit nervous again when he stepped back, even if it only was so Lucifer and Satan could have a chance to speak with you.

They were probably the two you were most anxious about speaking with. Their relationship was complicated enough as it was, you weren’t even sure they’d want to stick you in the middle of it.

“We’ll be outside if you need us,” Dia said, more to you than anyone else, as he offered you a smile. Beel nodded to you as well, before slipping out after Diavolo to give you some privacy with Lucifer and Satan.

Lucifer nudged the coffee table over so that it was positioned in such a way that both he and Satan could sit side by side in front of you. Even after he took a seat though, Satan remained a little ways away, silent and watching. Part of Lucifer wanted to chastise him for being stubborn and troublesome, but then he remembered that Satan was the only one to openly confess to you, and as such, probably had a lot more to discuss with you, preferably in private.

“I’ll keep this brief for now,” Lucifer began, returning his attention to you and holding the hand nearest him, “But I too, love you, deeply. And I hope you will accept me. I’m willing to do whatever is needed to insure your happiness.”

You had not been expecting such an open and forward declaration of love from Lucifer, of all demons, but you could see the unbridled passion in his eyes as he looked at you and waited for your reply. All you could do was nod your head, which made Lucifer smirk, pleased that he had rendered you speechless. He leaned forward, kissing you tenderly on the lips. It was only the briefest of touches, but it contained a promise of more that made your heart race.

“We will talk more later,” he said, as he gave you one final kiss to your forehead, turning to look at Satan before he left the room.

Satan kept his eyes trained on the door to Lucifer’s study until he heard the tell-tale “click” signifying it had been locked. He then sighed, his shoulders relaxing, as he turned to face you. His mask, the carefully crafted one he often hid behind in his attempt to control his emotions, crumbled away and you could see just how exhausted he appeared. Your heart ached knowing that you were to blame for that. He had been waiting for your response to his confession for several weeks now, and you had always managed to avoid answering him.

You knew you needed to apologize to him, before anything else, so you stood up and hesitantly moved to stand before him. Fortunately for Satan, even with as close as you were, you were unable to hear the way his heart thudded rapidly against his chest. Or if you did, you didn’t mention it. Instead, you simply reached out for his hands and held them tightly, rubbing your thumbs along his knuckles.

“I’m sorry, Satan. I was...I was scared. And I acted childishly and selfishly. I should have spoken to you…”

Your apology was cut short when you suddenly felt his lips crash into yours. Taking advantage of your surprise, he wrapped one arm around your waist, pulling you close, and with the other he gently cradled your head, holding you in place. It took a moment for your brain to catch up with what was happening, but once you finally realized you quickly looped your arms around Satan’s neck and deepened the kiss. You could feel him smiling against your lips when you did so, happy tears starting to spill from your eyes.

“I love you,” you whispered, when you finally broke away for air, “I’m sorry for not talking to you.”

Satan rested his forehead against yours, his thumb rubbing soothing circles on the back of your neck, “I guess you’ll have to make it up to me,” he teased.

“I guess so,” you laughed, before pulling back to look him in the eyes, “Are you sure you’re ok with this? With Lucifer and everyone I mean.”

“I won’t lie and say I wouldn’t prefer to have you all to myself. But,” he paused, tucking a few stray hairs behind your ear, “but I’m willing to work with you, to try to find a compromise we can all be happy with.”

“Really?” you could feel your tears threatening to spill again as your heart started to overflow with joy.

“Really. Will you promise me something though?”

“Of course, anything,” you said, wiping at your eyes, trying to fight off your tears.

“That you will talk with me if things change. And that we will be able to spend time together, just the two of us.”

Your vision blurred with tears, unable to hold them back any longer, “I promise. I’ll talk to you. About everything.”

“Good,” he whispered, gently kissing away your tears as they slid down your cheeks. You couldn’t stop smiling now if you even were to try. You threw your arms around his neck and hugged him as tight as you could manage, hoping to convey even a fraction of your happiness to him. When you felt him hug you back tightly, arms wrapped around your waist, you knew you had been successful.

Against all odds, and despite your fumbling attempts at dealing with your own emotions, you had managed to get everything you had wanted. Never in your wildest dreams could you have imagined things working out this way. Your arrival in the Devildom had been a lonely one. But you weren’t alone anymore. Not now, not ever.

#200 followers #anon request #request #gn!mc #poly mc #obey me #obey me shall we date #obey me lucifer #obey me diavolo #obey me satan #obey me beel #lucifer x poly mc #satan x poly mc #beel x poly mc #diavolo x poly mc #obey me angst #obey me fanfic #poly angst #poly comfort

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star-anise · 4 years

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I don't know if this is crossing boundaries to ask so feel free to ignore, but do you have any advice for someone with rejection-sensitive dysphoria, an intolerance for ambiguity and a history of social ostracization / access to the In-Group being dependent on Some Unsafe Shit for figuring out where one stands with an online social circle? Like, if one really feels like they're being neglected / put on a shelf, but doesn't know how to address it without receiving platitudes that it's not

(insecurity ask cont.) Really that bad / wasn't intentional / sure they still LIKE one they just kept happening to be busy at the time - etc. Basically figuring a way through the situation if one doesn't want to do what the Anxiety wants, which is cut run and self isolate, but doesn't find the allistic normative reassurance of "oh no we really do want you around sweaty : )" reassuring or helpful in the least.

This is a live topic of discussion in my friend-groups, since my close social circle is like 95% people with a history of being bullied, serious brainweasels* around social shit and rejection, ASD and/or ADHD, and seriously geeky social skills. So my response is not like, “We have a Method! It works! I’m patenting it!” nearly so much as “Um... this is what seems not to have exploded too badly so far.” And I’m answering this publicly rather than privately because other people have useful things to contribute too.

*(Brainweasel = little nasty thing that eats your brain)

(Like seriously if anyone DOES have A Method I’m all ears because I still do the self-isolation self-destruct way too easily)

Anyway. THE GOOD STUFF (which got really long):

I’ve personally found that it helps to make it really clear to people that if something is wrong, I want to know. I literally say, “My personal definition of Hell is when I think I’m having a happy fun time with a friend who is enjoying themselves, but in reality, I’m annoying them and they secretly resent me for it. Please don’t put me in that situation.” It’s kind of the opposite of asking for validation--it’s trying to reduce my own emotional hypervigilance, and also shifting the burden of dealing with the problem to the other person. Now, if they find me annoying, they have to do something about it--either spend less time with me, or let me know what’s up.

Asking for things and saying “No is an okay answer!”

Being open about my wants and needs while also letting people know how much I’m willing to compromise. “I don’t know what anybody else is feeling, but for dinner I have a mild preference for pizza,” or “I’m in the kind of mood where I basically want someone to talk to about this creative project for an hour in a really intense, informed, and interested way that also doesn’t step on my creative vision’s toes, or I don’t want to talk about it at all. So unless someone really wants to talk about it, how’s the weather?”

If you can find people who are geeks about feelings and have done a lot of introspection and can be very honest, and basically didn’t think that Twitter thread about asking friends for consent for emotional labour was a bad thing? That’s probably going to help, since when you’re all in the middle of dealing with moderate-to-severe brainweasels that is the kind of wrangling that needs to happen.

Hacking into Dialectical Behaviour Therapy, if you can do it. I’ve had to explain to several people now: DBT is fundamentally about trying to unlearn you from a system of If I Only Behave A Certain Way, Life Will Finally Work Out, to having a more flexible, more adaptive set of skills that you can see in a kind of pro/con fashion and decide which of life’s sucky parts you’d rather deal with because it gets you your preferred set of upsides. The problem is: DBT kind of presents itself as a system of If You Only Behave A Certain Way, Life Will Finally Work Out! So especially for my Autistic friends, doing DBT, while useful, involves considerable arguing with the system, deciding which of it works for you and which of it doesn’t, and hacking it apart and rearranging it in your own idiosyncratic way. This isn’t actually failing to do DBT, it’s using the methods DBT teaches you on DBT itself.

Finding a therapist who can treat baseline-neurodivergent LGBTQ+ nerds with complex trauma IS difficult, but not impossible. Not every therapist can do it. (I personally am considering giving up finding one in my city, and making use of the temporary relaxation of restrictions on distance practice across jurisdictional boundaries thanks to COVID-19 and phoning up my old therapist a province over.) If you can’t get a personal recommendation, I recommend literally cold-emailing about a half-dozen likely suspects from Psychology Today or Theravive and asking them, “Do you have any training or experience in treating [geeks/adults with complex trauma/queer people/whatever has made therapists act like cats with boots on around you before]?”

To wildly veer back to your original question

Imagine something that someone could do for you that would make you feel warm and loved. Something that would take a minute or less to do. When you’re feeling unloved, say “I’m feeling down, could anyone do [this thing] for me?” That’s literally why I ask people to show me cat pictures--I have times when I feel sad and alone and like the entire world hates me, and that’s a VERY big feeling for anyone to step in and fill, so instead? I ask for cat pics.

This, I should add, required going back into my trauma memories and deprogramming the origin of my Nice Things Are Evil Poison If I Asked The Person To Be Nice To Me brainweasel. Which is part of why I’m so insistent on asking people not to put me in my personal Hell situation.

Like, sometimes with my clients, we literally create a restaurant menu of Things People Could Do If They Wanted To Be Nice To Me, ranging from cheap $5 items like cat pics and memes to $200 bottles of wine that would be getting married and taking out a mortgage together. Sometimes we talk Love Languages just to go through several different sensory modalities. Then, if creating that menu wasn’t scary enough, they start telling their friends what’s on the list. “I really like things with dragons on them” or "I love to know when somebody’s thinking of me even when I’m not there” or “I really wish I had someone to watch movies with”. This reduces the cognitive load if somebody wants to reach out to you but doesn’t know how.

Relatedly: If you’re in a bad mood and doing something to self-regulate, you might consider letting people know what’s going on. People who are merely being civil might interpret “I’m feeling terrible about myself today” as “You are now socially obligated to blow smoke up my ass”; moderating the statement with a positive attempt to make things better, like “I’m focusing on my shoes a lot today because I feel like crap but they make me happy” or “I’m going to go try to shake this awful mood with Netflix” removes that pressure because it’s a problem with a built-in solution, so they’re not socially impolite if they ignore it. If people want to be emotionally closer to you, it opens the door for them to either ask about your problem, or contribute to your solution (”Oooh, I do like those shoes”) (”Have you seen this new series?”).

Okay so

Here’s the other thing

When you’re used to the one being rejected, you can spend SO much energy trying to make relationships work, and when they don’t, you just kind of shut down and fall over

What if (if you scraped together enough spare Cope) you said to yourself, “Whatever is going on--whether it’s them, or me, or whatever--I am not getting my needs met, so I’m going to back away from them a bit and focus on finding something new? They may not be evil or bad, but I’m going to downgrade them on my priority list.”

Like I’m just saying: Think about it. Every once in a while it’s possible it isn’t your fault, but the other person... just isn’t up to being the kind of friend you need right now, and no effort of yours can improve them at this time, so you’re going to let them shape up if they can but start focusing your attention elsewhere.

I realize that’s like the social equivalent of asking a homeless person to dip into their savings and start a business. But, just... sometimes you just need better friends.

Okay, it’s 2am and I’ve run out of ideas. Anyone else?

#staranise original #trauma #brainweasels #bullying tw #tin-can-paladin

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kyra-song · 3 years

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Here is entire chapter! Tubbo and Ranboo fluff. Small stuff before the thing, Kristen is The Universe, Tubbo is the God of Life. Tubbo can create anything, but man's can't make an immortal. Human, demons, monsters, hybrids, but he cannot keep them alive. That's up to Death. So, here you are my love!

Tubbo exhales a long-suffering sigh into the dirt and grass his face is pressed into. An emptiness claws at his chest and closes up his throat as he curls further into himself. It's the dead of night and Tubbo is lying in the middle of his forest, not too far from his house that he'd left hours ago. Closed flowers sway in muted colors under shadows and dappled white light. The forest is quiet despite everything alive that Tubbo knows lurks in the night. And yet, his creations can feel his sadness and stay hidden out of respect. An involuntary whimper crawls up his throat. Tubbo swallows his sorrows, and finally gives in.

"Universe," he whispers to the world, "can you please see me."

His hands twist in the soft grass he's lying in, he calls louder. "Universe!" His voice echoes through the forest. "I need to speak with you!"

He waits, silent, taking in the sound of crickets and swaying branches. Tubbo's about to call out again when a gentle hand runs through his hair and a sweet voice washes over him.

"I'm here." She tells him quietly, feeling Tubbo tremble beneath her touch.

Something in Tubbo breaks when the comforting feeling of void washes over him, causing his shoulders to shake. "I don't know what's wrong with me." He confesses with a sob. "I've been feeling like this for so long and I want it to stop."

The universe rubs at the base of his horns, feeling the world wilt around them. “There’s nothing wrong with you.” She mummers. “You’re just lonely.”

Tubbo opens his eyes, tears spilling onto the ground as he looks into the darkness. “But that doesn't make sense!” He cries, confusion and sadness clouding his mind. “I have friends and people who visit but… they're not close enough, I want someone to love differently than them.”

The Universe sighs, biting her lip in thought, before giving in to her idea. “Life,” she says softly, “you're going to help me do something no one besides Creation has witnessed.”

Tubbo sits up, turning to look at The Universe. Her crystalline white eyes show warmth and love in them as he looks on. He wipes at his tears, taking a deep breath while The Universe waits for him. “What are we doing?” He asks, clearing his throat.

“You’re going to help me create a god.” She tells him.

Tubbo’s jaw drops, he begins to stutter through his response. “W-what? How are we- I’m-” He stops, looking into the middle distance before turning back to The Universe. “Were… gonna make me a friend?”

She chuckles and nods then motions for Tubbo to sit next to her. “It’s easy to create a god but difficult to manifest them into existence.” She tells him as he settles next to her side. “It’ll eventually get to the point where they’ll create themselves, but you can help me make them.”

The Universe crosses her legs then rests her arms on her knees, palms up. “So, where do you want to start?”

Tubbo hums, wiping at his eyes again while looking around his forest, settling on a patch of puffy allium. “Well, he’s got to like flowers.” He tells her.

The Universe giggles, closing her eyes. “He’s got to like flowers?” She asks, clarifying.

“Oh,” Tubbo says, “yeah I suppose he.”

The Universe hums, moving her hands to curve towards each other. Stars sparkle between her fingers, Tubbo marvels at the sight.

“What’s next?” She questions, feeling reality push against her fingertips.

“He’s got to be fun,” Tubbo says confidently, “he’s gonna be unique, I can already tell, he’ll be smart too, but in the Phil and Techno way.”

She laughs, pouring all of Tubbo’s wishes into their creation. “What do you think he’s gonna look like?” The Universe questions, already feeling the ghost of a body settling before her.

Tubbo sighs, wracking his brain. “Um, well red and green have always been mine and Tommy’s thing.” He says, remembering his best friend. “They… red and green kinda reflect how things are like with Tommy and me, I’d like things to be a little more black and white with my new friend.” He expresses thoughtfully.

The Universe takes a twist on his words, running her thumb down the center of the face beneath her hands, gently swiping her hands over both of his eyelids.

Tubbo looks up at the sky, continuing his train of thought. “I also think he’d be very dapper compared to Tommy’s…” He trails off, face twisting into distaste. “Racoon-like tendencies.”

The Universe wheezes, eyes opening to shoot Tubbo an incredulous look. He tears his eyes away from the stars, meeting her gaze with a smile. “What?” He asks, mischief in his expression.

The Universe shakes her head, grinning to herself. “For as majestic as I attempted to make him, he's still described as a trash panda by his best friend.”

Tubbo nods rapidly, about to respond when he sees a solid body lying in The Universe’s lap. “Woah…” He shuffles closer, enraptured by the sight. The last smokey grey threads of the body's suit stitch themselves together as Tubbo leans over him, staring at his face. Black and white skin is split perfectly down the middle of his face, two beautifully contrasting sides. Tubbo reaches out a hand to touch him and hesitates.

“It’s okay to touch him.” The Universe reassures. “You can make any changes to what I’ve done if you want.”

Tubbo nods and tentatively places a hand on the white side of his face, high on his cheekbone, just under his eye. He concentrates on creating in the same way he does every other living thing in this world. Tubbo slowly runs a hand over his cheek, as his hand moves black freckles appear on his skin, Tubbo quickly does the same in white on the other side of his face. He moves on to pick up his left hand, but stops, staring at his rounded fingertips.

“What are you thinking?” The Universe questions, silently creating the same freckles over his arms and mottling the split down his face.

“I was thinking of creating this kind of… creature… a while ago,” Tubbo tells her, continuing to stare at his fingers. “I was gonna call it an Enderman, and… I kinda wanna make them after this, cause he looks a lot like one.”

The Universe nods, moving her hands to cradle the body's head. “You can do whatever you like.” She reminds him.

Tubbo nods and pinches a white finger between his thumb and index, dragging it out to create a long, sharp claw. “He’s going to be kind.” Tubbo mummers while he works. “Above all he’ll stick to his morals, following his vices and virtues with confidence, believing in himself.”

He moves back to the body’s face, gently pushing back his upper lip to press against canines and draw them out into fangs. "He'll doubt himself, just as everyone does." Tubbo says, sitting on his heels for a moment before going back to copy what he'd done to the body’s lower canines. "But he'll come around to the idea that he's loved, because he will be." He finishes his statement with an affirming nod while looking back on his work.

The Universe looks to him, pride in her gaze. “Anything else?”

He meets her eyes as he finishes, nodding. “He shouldn't be perfect,” Tubbo says, voice unwavering. “No one deserves to carry the burden of perfection.”

She nods, looking down at the soon-to-be god, and smiles. “Now what shall you be the god of?” The Universe asks the body, looking down at closed eyes.

Tubbo senses that he should be quiet, so he takes the body's hand, holding it gently. The cold feels as comforting as it does haunting.

The Universe takes a breath, tipping back her head as she centers her being to hum at the same frequency as reality. Voices start to tickle her ear, she’s quick to realize she’s hearing memories. Happiness clashes with grief, giggling screams colliding with the sounds of war, all the while soft mummers of love confessions overlap with howls of strife. “I know what he’s the god of.” The Universe says, looking down again.

The Universe presses her forehead to the body then plants a quick kiss on the black side of his face. “You’ll be the God of the Mind.” She tells him, whispering. She moves to the white side of his face, repeating her actions. “You’ll be God of the Lost.” The Universe looks up at Tubbo, “Put your finger on his pulse point and rest your head on his chest.”

Tubbo quickly does so, taking Mind’s right in his left, thumb resting on where there should be a beat. He lays his head on Mind’s chest, feeling calm and excited, waiting for what’s to happen.

The Universe puts her fingers over Mind’s cheeks, gaze full of love, taking a steadying breath. She feels for the stars, the edge of reality, what gives her the power to be, and she feels warmth underneath her fingertips when the steady beat of wings sounds in her head.

Tubbo’s eyes widen as a faint yet steady heartbeat thrums beneath his finger and his head moves with the first breath from the God of the Mind and The Lost.

Black and white eyelids flutter open to reveal shocking ruby red and acid green eyes. He finds The Universe’s soft smile and fond gaze, feeling a hand run over his cheek. “There you are.” She mutters.

He feels the hand grasping him and The Universe helps him sit up. Tubbo regretfully pulls himself off of Mind’s chest and looks him in the eyes, still holding Mind’s hand tight. They stare at one another, similar feelings of wonder coursing through them.

Tubbo cautiously reaches his right hand up to rest against Mind’s cheek, watching in awe as Mind leans into his touch.

“You're…” Tubbo stutters, overcome with exhilaration, “You’re incredible.”

Mind looks at him for a long moment then smiles.

BREAD HOW ARE YOU SO TALENTED I LOVE IT

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