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ctitan98official · 4 months

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Anonymous: OK OK HEAR ME OUT; What if in your most recent post of Alcina lost child Au, both Alcina and Miranda encounter Y/N again but... plot twist they where adopted by a corporation that experimented in childs to become them in the perfect soldier, completely loyal and emotionless, they are in the village for a mision to see if the residents in there are dangerous to the outside world and in case of so, they have the order to kill them all. Imagine the guility and heartbroken they might feel since their little child became just another weapon...

Alright, so this was requested a loooong time ago. I finally got around to it XD This was inspired by my Alcina’s long lost child AU.

You were taken and experimented on relentlessly by Umbrella as a baby. The corporation had found your file and knew your origin. The product of two powerful bioweapons… It was too good of an opportunity for them to pass up.

You didn’t even know who your parents were and yet… You hated them. It was their fault that you were being tortured. Your every waking moment for the first few years of your life was excruciating. Needles, imaging, testing. Was this truly all you were meant to be? Some… Lab rat?

You grew up with no affection. Just sterile and generic questions. “How have you felt since we did the last test? Any symptoms?”

You tried to reach out to other people. To talk to them and ask them questions. To build some semblance of a human connection… But it was useless.

Nobody gave a shit.

So… You started shutting down.

No tears, no smiles. What was the point? People didn’t care. You learned to shut off that part of yourself fairly quickly.

Thankfully, once it was clear that you did not possess the powers that your parents did (Or any, for that matter), The experiments began to lessen and eventually stopped.

Shortly before Umbrella began to crumble from the inside out, the B.S.A.A. liberated you and put you into protective custody within the confines of their organization. You knew a lot about the inner machinations of Umbrella and were a vital source of information for them.

While the people with B.S.A.A. were largely nicer than the scientists at Umbrella, it was soon clear that they also wanted to use you.

Thankfully, a kind agent decided to take you under his wing. His name was Chris Redfield. He was appalled at everything you had been through and made a silent vow to protect you from then on.

While you were still closely monitored by B.S.A.A., Chris raised you at his house alongside his little sister, Claire. She was a few years older than you, but she always tried to include you in whatever she was doing. She was sweet.

However… It was too late to save you from the psychological damage you sustained.

You have no compassion, no empathy. Your brain just doesn’t work like that anymore. It’s been programmed to survive that way.

You actually hate being around other people. They’re weak. Their self-centered and petty little lives are a joke. They pretend that their existence has some higher meaning. That they are worthy of respect, admiration… Love.

It’s ridiculous.

Other people may have been fed bullshit their entire lives, but not you. For as sucky as your childhood was, it opened your eyes to the truth. You understand firsthand that greed is how the world actually works. Everyone is in it for themselves.

Money. Power. Influence. That’s what people secretly desire. However, nobody seems to have the balls to come out and say it so plainly. They want to hide behind their beliefs and “Morals”.

That’s okay. You couldn’t give less of a shit. Let them delude themselves.

Your only true loyalty lies with Chris and Claire. Even though you are unable to form any real attachment to them, they are the only people you would even consider helping if they needed it. Chris got you out of the shitty situation you were living in and you would spend the rest of your life trying to repay that favor.

Chris knew that you wanted to do what he did for a living. He would have much preferred to protect you from the horrors of bioterrorism, but… Well, you’re pretty much the embodiment of it. So, he reluctantly agreed. If you wanted something this badly, then he was going to do his best to make it happen. He started training you in marksmanship.

You became skilled. Very skilled. You devoted all of your time to it. Only taking necessary breaks to eat or sleep. Then, it was back to training.

Chris pretty much molded you into the perfect agent… And now, here you are. On your first mission together.

You and Chris are being flown to a rural area in Romania. There is intel suggesting the possible presence of B.O.W.s and it’s on you to determine if they are a threat… Or might become one.

Hound Wolf Squad were flown in a few hours earlier and are currently in a holding position, waiting for you and Chris.

Chris, never one to bullshit you, sits down next to you on the helicopter. “Looks like there might be some big action, kid. Rolando’s been scoping out the area and… It’s pretty hot with B.O.W.s,” He says quietly. “I just want you to know that it’s… Okay to be worried, Y/N. Many experienced agents still have jitters before a mission.”

You’re currently cleaning one of your guns. “Obliterate the target or die trying. It’s all the same to me, Redfield,” You tell him, not even turning to look at him.

Chris breathes out a laugh at this. You’re truly one of a kind. He pats your arm before standing up again. “Good talk, Y/N,” He says.

It’s true, though. So what if you die? It can’t be much different than living. You finish up before the pilot announces that you’ve arrived.

The helicopter lands in an abandoned field and you and Chris hop out.

“Alright, you and me will head into the village and Hound Wolf Squad will be tailing us,” Chris instructs.

You nod silently at this.

“We want to be able to get information out of them, so we’ll try the, uh, non-violent path first,” He says. “Who knows… Maybe it’ll be as simple as sitting down and having some coffee with them?” He smiles.

You almost feel a small fondness tugging your heart at Chris’s statement. After all he’s been through, he always tries to see the good in people.

You two make the trek into the village and Chris is able to get in contact with Hound Wolf Squad. They’ll be here to offer backup if you need it. All seems to be going according to plan.

However… The closer you both get to the center of the village… The more you get this weird… Sensation. It’s like your very being is thrumming.

Something about this place… Is drawing you in. Wanting you to be here.

For the first time in years you feel… A stab of panic. What is happening to you? This isn’t normal.

But… You don’t say anything. Whatever this feeling is, it’s your problem to deal with. You’re not going to drag Chris down with you.

You two look around at the ramshackle buildings in town.

Chris whistles. “What a shit hole,” He murmurs.

You try to shake off the warm pulse that is flowing through you. “It looks completely deserted,” You remark.

Chris nods in agreement. “You’re right,” He says. He looks off in the distance and spots the castle. A gentle light is emanating from the windows and smoke is billowing out of its chimney. “I think that may be our best bet, kid. Let’s go check it out,” He says, pointing at the ornate building.

You nod silently and the two of you begin the journey up the side of the mountain. It’s rather uneventful, and that’s a welcome change. This place is kind of freaking you out, a feat you didn’t even know was possible.

But… What awaits you is about to change your life forever. You’re about to learn the story of where you came from.

Whether you want to or not.

Note: Cliffhanger! Let me know what you thought and thanks for reading!

Masterlist

#re8 #re8 village #alcina dimitrescu #lady dimitrescu #alcina dimitrescu x reader #alcina dimitrescu x y/n #lady dimitrescu x reader #lady dimitrescu x y/n #resident evil village #resident evil 8 #resident evil imagines #mother miranda #chris redfield #claire redfield

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persephone11110 · 1 year

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My Own Aphrodite

Bradley Bradshaw x Reader

Warnings:body image issues, self esteem issues, past self blame, issues, society sucks, sucky beauty standards, weight scale, past body shaming, pervy men, digusting school system, misogyny, curse words, tiny bit of smut, happy ending

prompt: ❛you’re beautiful, you know that? ❜credit: @nightprompts

I wrote this based on my personal experiences

ALL BODIES ARE BEAUTIFUL!! :)

reader nickname is Angel

This is a prequel to Hold Me Baby, but you don’t have to read it to understand. But u should tho— no pressure :)

Past

You could feel eyes burning into your chest.

“Miss L/n, it hurts me that you seemed to forgotten our three fingers straps rule” Mr. Lee sounded hurt, you could see something being scribbled down on the notepad that was currently in his hands. He ripped the paper off and walked towards your desk and handed it to you—“The last thing the boys need is a big distraction, do you want to cause a disruption in our classroom?, he didn’t give you time answer—“Go to the nurses office for a cover up or go home”. He proudly walked away with a smirk on his face.

“What!” you muttered under your breathe. You quickly jumped from your chair— scared of the consequences if you refused. Mr. Lee creepily stared at your chest, you started to blush in embarrassment, is this what he meant?- your body is distracting.

“See what I mean Y/n your causing me a distraction” he gestured toward your breast.

“Please leave now”

Tears started to drip from your face. I didn’t mean too. your lips begin to wobble.

As you drag yourself through the empty halls sour thoughts seemed to paralyze your mind.

“Why couldn’t I be smaller?”

“Did Mr. Lee have a point?”

“Honey” the secretary of the school Ms. June called out to you.“Honey if Mr. Lee sent you down here for a cover up, the nurse doesn’t have anymore to give”.

More tears slipped down your face.

“I’m so sorry Honey unless you find something i’m going have to send you home”. A pinch of sadness crossed over Ms. June’s face.

You didn’t have to tell her. You could see her hand moving fast as she scribbles something down.

“I’m sorry Y/n” you looked down at the piece of paper— a permisson slip that required your signature stating that you were leaving early.

“Thank you” you whispered.

You walked away with tears pouring down your face. “Why me? , Why me?” you kept repeating to yourself. “Did I really deserve this?”

How were you supposed this explained to your parents?

I am a distraction.

- -

Present

“Angel you looked great in that one” Bradley told you— and you were pretty sure he’s said that fifteen dresses ago. He relaxingly sat on the bench inside of the dressing room- his phone tossed to the side, even though it occasionally tinged Bradley ignored it. He assuring you that all his attention was on you.

You messed with straps, trying to lift them higher.

You we’re trying to cover up your cleavage.

Your shoulders sagged—dressing shopping had been a lose cause and too add it to it you dragged your husband Bradley alongside hoping to get a good opinion— but all he’s been offering you is five stars reviews on each and every dress you’ve tried on so far. (kind bastard). You atleast thought he give you his honesty and tell how ugly you’ve looked in all of them — telling you how disappointing it was to been soulmates with the ugliest woman alive.

“Angel whats wrong with this one?” he asked curiously— surely Bradley saw how grotesque you were?, yet his eyes and body language showed otherwise. You and him were both tired— You pulled Bradley out of bed at the ass crack of dawn to try on dresses. Now your starting to regret bringing him here— you wasted his and your time.

“N-Nothing,Nothing” you shakily start to take off the dress. You felt the dress slip down to your body onto the floor.

You sniffle, your face is getting hotter and hotter by the second.

“Y/n?” he tries.“I didn’t mean to insult you—”

Did he do something wrong?

You were gone. It seemed like you were in your own world. Subconsciously you curl into yourself- seemingly hiding your body from him.

“Angel”, he didn’t mean to hurt your feelings.

“I’m sorry Bradley—let just go home” you broke out your trance, you doubted you find a dress in time for the navy gala.

Weeks ago the scale showed you a number you didn’t like and now your body is reflecting it.

Your suddenly on the floor picking up the dress— there you go again getting stuck in your own world.

He could see your brain spinning fast, he hears the evil voice in the back of your head telling you how ugly you were.

Soon Bradley was on the floor with you—right now he needed to get to the bottom of this, he needed to make this right. “Angel”

Distraction.

“Angel—can you hear me?” he voice is sweet and gentle. He gives you minute to answer him— times like this he knows how hard it is for you to pull yourself out of so much darkness.

He shouldn’t have too see you like this. He shouldn’t even have to be in the same room as you.

“Ready” he asks you.

“Yeah” your voice was equivalent to a prey moving through predator territory. Quiet and unsteady.

“C’mon here” he gestures with his hand. “it’s okay Y/n”. Bradley reassures you after seeing the look of terror and uneasiness on your face.

Its the easiest job you’ve ever done. Your face is already in the crook of his neck. After everything that had been going on you only had one question— why is he so fucking soft? metaphorically and literally.

“Talk to me Y/n” he tells you. “Let me in”.

Bradley gently dragging his hand up down your back— he’s slowly coaxing you back to calmness.

You sigh.“I really want toBradley… but what if you don’t like what I say?”. His fingers pause for a second.

“Even If I don’t like it Angel, I still want to hear whats wrong— your feelings are justified, I still want to help you”. Bradley says with sternly yet softness is bleeding into his voice.

You can’t help but melt at that.

Even when you tried building your defenses higher, Bradley kept knocking them down.

“Distraction” you decided with.

“Y/n?” you could feel the gears spinning in Bradley’s head.

“I don’t want to be an distraction Bradley” you tell him again, was he purposefully not listening to you?

You could feel his face turn into a frown.

“Y/n how are you distracting?” he asked you. “Do you mean your distracting me?”.

Remember what he said— “Let me In”

“My breast their.. their so big” your voice is wobbling again like earlier. You wished you could talk without being a baby.

“Angel I’m not some teenage boy who’s gets distracted by the sight of breast” he seems hurt by the accusation.

“No” you sighed. “They cause disruption”. Your talking like it’s was true— you talked liked no ones ever told you it’s wrong.

Then it dawned on him, someone told you this when you were young. Someone hurt his wife.

And someone never told you otherwise.

The grip on you slightly gets tighter.

“Angel” Bradley shaking his in disbelief and disgust. “You are not distracting, your body doesn’t cause disruption.

“But—” you attempt to argue.

“But nothing Angel, who ever told you is full of shit and they couldn’t control themselves around a child… there is nothing wrong with you” , you pull your face from Bradley neck. He sounds so sure of himself.

He’s angry, his jaw clenched.

Guilt eating at you. And sure enough Bradley could see it.

“No, No Angel” his voice is coated with softness .

“I’m not mad at you- I’m irritated that no one ever corrected you”.

“Yeah me too, but I’m glad I have you” you throw your arms around him.

He’s hugging you back“I’m glad you found me”.

Confidence is now seeping through your veins.

“Bradley I like the last one”

Fuck Mr. Lee

“Me too Angel— it fits you like a glove and friday evening i’m going to enjoy ripping it off you”. Bradley stroking your back again.

You blushed. It’s amazing how your husband always manages to turn a sweet moment into a horny one”.

“Likewise Bradley Bradshaw—If you get off me fast enough we could have enough time for a pregame before my shift” you hum in amusement— fully knowing how feral your husband was.

He flings you up, “hurry up Angel and grab the dress”. Bradley moving around in the dressing room— he’s even cleaning and grabbing your other dresses.

He acting like a headless chicken.

Bradley starts fishing for his keys—not even giving you a chance to pay first. He practically throws his credit card into the cashier hand.

He wasn’t slowing down either.

“Come on Angel, time to go!”

#top gun #top gun maverick #bradley bradshaw x reader #bradley bradshaw

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redcomet-stims · 3 days

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Content warning: slight flashing and slight blood

☄️💘🤖 Day 4 of @lavendergalactic's pride week: My favorite queer ship is Char Aznable x Amuro Ray from Mobile Suit Gundam!

I only said I wouldn't do individual characters I did already, okay? So I'm cool to do this because they're together ;)

Hehe I love these two so much :D

Ugh, I honestly feel bad for getting a little self-indulgent for this prompt. Earlier today I messed a request up REAL bad and couldn't keep it up because it was REALLY inaccurate. I sped through it and I feel so selfish for being able to go through my personal ideas with all the time I want but literally making the biggest mistakes ever on requests. It's only because my ignorant self doesn't care to put thought into things that aren't what I like or something. I just feel kinda bad for making this, you know? I might be overthinking it, but it's better to not ignore something like it never happened. I just feel sucky about it. I know nobody can be perfect, but it certainly feels like you have to be as perfect as possible.

But you know, these prompts are supposed to be what my favorites are or what I think about things. I can't go, like, use my newtype telepathy to go and think about what the general people would like lol

Sources:

(I tried my best to change these to post links instead of direct images, but some...as in one...of the links wouldn't show the source post!! Rahhhh!!!)

x | x | x

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tpwkwriter · 1 year

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helloooo, you are like one of my fave writers!! I am requesting one with lhh where the reader feels very insecure and harry is comforting her and telling her she is absolutely beautiful and how in love he is with her and how he remembers the first time he saw her he knew she was the one and that he had never seen any one so breathtaking. And then they start kissing and it slowly escalates till harry tells he "let me show you how beautiful you are" or smth like that i dont really know and then the after careeee!!! OMG I WOULD DIEEE. Could you please write that?? THANK YOUUU!!!

Baby your perfect.

Omg! Thank you for your lovely words it always means the world 🤭

And yessss! This concept!! 🫢 and lhh 😩

Im a tad sucky on writing smut/smutty-ish stuff so I hope this works for you and you enjoy! 🤎

Also this absolutely no hate to any of these women mentioned!!!! Especially Kendall Jenner/kardashians for story purposes only!! 👑

*Warnings*- struggling with body image, low self esteem, language, hint towards smut and adultish themes! ✌🏻

Y/n’s Life had felt like it’s been on the right track for a while now.

She’s finally enjoying her career, her friendships have never been better, her relationship with H is the her pride and joy, hence them nearing there 5 year anniversary.

The only downside to all of this is her social media.

Ever since a young age y/n struggled with social media and unrealistic beauty standards.

And when your boyfriends exes include the Looks of: Kendall Jenner, Taylor swift, Camille rowe, that feeling of ‘Not good enough’ Never really goes away.

Y/n found herself in there shared bathroom gazing at the mirror before her wondering why she looked the way she did.

She really wondered what H saw in her, all the models and actresses and he chose her.

She examined her body, suddenly getting this feeling that she felt when she was 15 wondering why she wasn’t as pretty as the other girls in school.

Apart from she was and she didn’t even know.

She spotted every insecurity, from the stretch marks around her hips, to the scars and marks she developed on her body.

Tears begun to form in the corner of her eyes, her reflection became unbearable.

She wanted to forget this night had even started like this.

She cosied in her shared bed awaiting Harry’s return from the studio, she pulled out her phone ready to text her love, when her twitter notifications distracted her.

Mistakenly she clicked on the app, and was left feeling lower then she already had.

“Former kardashian and Jenner star admitted to pleading for another chance with singer and songwriter Harry styles!”

She clicked on the thread to be greeted with many images and gifs of her.

Her perfect figure, eyes, face, everything, she had everything.

And that’s what Harry deserved, he deserves it all.

Without even thinking y/n finds herself angrily throwing her brush against the wall out of anger.

“Baby?” A familiar voice called.

‘Fuck’ she though to herself.

He’s home

“Y’alright darling” he said, voice getting louder and closer.

“M’Fine” she sighed, trying her best to hide her tears.

There shared room door gets pushed open.

“Baby” he gently Said.

“H”

“What’s going on?” He said placing his jacket on the back of the vanity chair and toeing his trainers off.

“Nothing” she said forcing a smile to persuade the man.

“Doesn’t seem like nothing” he said raising an eyebrow and joining her next to her on the bed.

She remained quiet, thinking of how to play this out.

“Baby, Jus’ me y’know its okay” he said running a hand through his long curly locks.

“I don’t understand why your with me” she breathes, avoiding eye contact.

“Y/n?” He asked confused as hell.

“Baby, where is this Coming from? What?” He asks placing his ringed hand on her exposed thigh.

“You don’t deserve me H” she said finally breathed making cold eye contact with him.

“You deserve someone prettier, skinner, and overall better, than..whatever i am” she Said tears threatening to leave her eyes.

“Baby Girl” he asks manoeuvring his palms up to girls cheeks and pulling her in closer.

“Where is this coming from?, y’my girl, my gorgeous girl” he said heart almost breaking at the sight and sound of his girl.

“Kendall” she mumbles, tears finally falling.

“Kendall?” He asks eyebrows knitted together.

“She wants You back H, and now the whole world knows it” she quietly cries leaning her forehead on his.

He finally gets it, it adds up all in his head.

“Baby” he speaks, pressing a kiss to her cold lips.

“Fuckin’ hell” he says kissing her cheek replacing the salty tears.

“Y’really think, I want her huh?” He smiles

“My silly girl” he sniffs, trying to make light of this situation.

He removes his hands and opened his arms signalling for her to get in.

She sits on his lap, almost koala style with both legs wrapped around his waist and both arms over his shoulders.

“Now that you’ve got me, y’won’t be getting rid of me” he said dancing his fingertips on her back.

“I just…I don’t get it” she sniffed

“Why me” she mumbled, snuggling her face into his neck.

“Why you huh?” He breathed

“Well, the first time saw you, the thing I saw was not only y’beauty, but m’future, m’life, Ive Never met someone as breathtaking as you m’love Call me a sap, but y’my muse now” he gently said.

“Not Kendall, Not no one else, jus’ you” he said kissing the side of Face.

“Can y’look at me darling?” He whispered.

She happily complied, lifting her face from his neck and revealing her beautiful glossy eyes but now with a small smile to her face.

“I love you” he says kissing her lips hard and straight forward.

“Y’never to forget that”

“Love you too H, I’m sorry for being silly” she smiles

“None of tha’ i get it”

Without being able to finish properly, the girl crashes her lips on his.

“I’m so in love with you” she mumbles against his lips.

“Y’make me crazy baby” he smirks

“Please Baby, let me Show you How much y’mean to me” he says going in again.

“Show How beautiful You Are angel”

“Mmhmm” she nods

— — — — —

The Girl lies hazily in there bathtub of there en-suite bathroom, reminiscing on tonight’s events.

God she was grateful to have H, no matter what rut she finds herself in, he manages to no matter what pull her out.

“Hey beautiful girl” he said coming in pressing a kiss to her forehead.

“Fresh sheets and tea on the bedside” he said while placing the girls fresh Pyjamas ( his hoodie and Boxers) on the closed toilet lid.

“Thank you baby”

“I’ll join you in a sec” she added

“Take y’time love”

Once y/n’s bath was done, she slipped into her boyfriends clothes he prepared for her, and reunited with her lover in there shared bed.

“Y’feeling okay m’honey?” He asks putting his phone down and leaning into his girl.

“Mmhmm” she hummed slipping under the soft sheets.

“Y’the best” she sighed.

“Mm certainly am” he smirked.

“Ugh great I just fed your ego more” she joked playfully rolling her eyes.

“There’s my y/n back” he smiled pressing a kiss to her temple.

— — — — —

Again thank your for your request and please, please tell me of this is any good! 😩 again I’m sorry for skimming the smutty Part Bit im so awkward writing it 😭 love love loveeee you all ❤️

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opinated-user · 8 months

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Funny how the question regarding Courtney is a anon…even though Lily has anons turned off.

Did she turn them on for an hour then turn it right off? Maybe it’s someone she follows that asked this, or is this a self-ask?

If it’s the latter, guess Lily figured out that we all know that sucky-boi is just her lol

(for those who don't use tumblr and don't know what that second image means: if anons were allowed then the slider would be in blue to let you choose it. meaning that LO has asks on, but only for registered users) we have been calling out these mysterious "anons" who happen to write her while it should be impossible for anyone to write her for a while. she just trusts everyone to not pay attention to that kind of thing. see too how Courtney went from "an abusive rude horrible person who threatened my life three times and allowed my abuse to happen by enabling it" to not "i don't know if there's even anything to apologize for"... i have asked many times before, but it's worth repeating: how is anyone supposed to make sense out of this? how are you, even as a fan of LO and someone that believes her, supposed to follow any of this? Courtney, in LO's story, was one of her main abusers who is also responsible for not stopping the CSA she was going through. Courtney is also the monster who is making all these wild accusations against her because... attention, i guess, since we all know LO has no clout for anyone. just look at the numbers of her own wife to know her name means very little. Courtney is the evil encarnate according to LO, who was never abused or molested by anyone ever. but suddenly LO doesn't know if there's even something to apologize for. furthermore, read her answer again. the answer is not "me, apologizing to her, after all she has done to me? never!", which would have made perfect sense with her version of the story, and it's not either "i never did anything to her worth apoligizing for", which is overtly defensive but still easy to understand. instead it's "she won't want to hear it" and there's something about it that i just find so interesting. as if in some level LO knows there is no apology big enough to ever cover what she actually did to Courtney. so the only thing she thinks she has left is to double down until her dying breath.

#lily orchard

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karizard-ao3 · 2 months

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My reactions to Evangelion episode 23: Rei III

The really sucky thing about watching after my kid goes to bed is that by then I am wiped out and far less alert so I feel like I can't pay attention as well.

She's listening to the message again 🥲

Poor Shinji doesn't know what to do about his houseful of traumatized women. He's really so timid.

Poor class rep lol

I'm glad she has someone to open up to.

Poor Asuka. She just needs to feel loved the way she is.

That Angel looks like a halo.

Asuka has lost all her confidence.

It got unit 0 right in the gut!

Rei seems to almost be enjoying this.

"The person we call an Angel."

Rei has a very skewed and confused sense of self, and as a result I feel like I also don't know which version of her is the real version during this conversation. To me, it's not as clearly differeniated as when Asuka and Shinji had to confront their own inner demons. I think the bumpy one is the real Rei and the smooth one is the Angel trying to communicate. I'm going to rewind.

That's still what I think.

Poor Asuka. "Why didn't you send unit 1 when I was in trouble?" Well, Asuka, because Gendo is a douchebag. But Shinji did want to save her.

She sucked in the Angel. She's going to sacrifice herself for Shinji. Or is it for Gendo?

That was a very metaphysical explosion with the Eva/Angel hybrid thing turning into a giant Rei and then going up in a pink, sparkly puff (before the real blast).

So there are 17 Angels in the Dead Sea Scrolls.

"Another sacrificial lamb"

Someone who knows the whole truth. Of course it's Ritsuko.

Weird moment between Shinji and Misato.

"Rei. She was the product of my despair. I suppose she's always been a vessel of hope for you."

Are these the same injuries she had when he first saw her? Is this because she's a copy?

"No. I don't remember. It's probably because I am the third one." Well!

I was like, "If she throws out those glasses, I'll know she's a doppelganger" and then she starting squeezing them.

They made Ritsuko strip down.

They need 12 Evas for their plan and think the obliteration of Tokyo-3 will help their plans as well. Maybe I'm just making random associations, but there were 12 disciples. Is that relevant? Idk.

Ritsuko called Shinji and said he can safely go outside.

Misato shows up to threaten Ritsuko into telling her all her secrets and it turns out Shinji is there. Why are you dragging my baby boy into this drama?

Artificial Evolution Laboratory!!!

Okay, I'm not going to comment during this next bit. I want to watch uninterrupted.

Okay, so, first, when Ritsuko was inferred she had a secret love, I was like, "Ew, what if it's Gendo?" but I didn't want to speak it into existence, but it looks like it was. Maybe they weren't having an affair, but I think this confirms she at least has feelings for him. But, Gendo seems to have a thing for screwing lovely lady scientists so that they'll help him with his warped goals, so most likely they were fooling around.

Second, Evas being human is not a surprise. I suspected they were at least part from the moment I saw those fingernails. I knew there was something off about them. So, humans made in Adam's image, which is kind of delicious because the biblical Adam was the first human made in God's image, but in NGE Adam is the god and Evas are made in his image. Kind of feels like making a photocopy of a photocopy. No wonder the Evas are messed up.

Third, I knew something was up with Rei but I did not go so far as to guess she was an Eva! The only Eva with a soul. That tank full of smiling, empty copies that they use for parts to repair her with... chilling. I would not like to be in that room full of Reis. And then to see them all destroyed. When a Rei dies, does her soul go into another one, though?

Also, not totally clear on this, is there a blank Rei in the dummy plug, then?

If Rei is an Eva, is she reading the thoughts of those around her? Is that why she seems to have "synced" with Shinji in a way? Is her apparent issue with multiple personalities simply her vibing with people on a different, more psychic level because she is part Angel?

In Closing

We should be finding out what happened to Shinji's mother when she vanished soon. It's been referred to pretty consistently over the past few episodes and I'm wodnering if that will be the final key to everything. When she disappeared, did her soul go into Rei? Is that how she was the only Eva born with a soul? There's too much evidence that Yui and Rei are linked. And Gendo naming her Rei indicates he must see her as his and Yui's daughter of sorts, which also makes me further believe Yui is in her somehow. Or maybe the Eva merged with Yui and changed her into baby Rei.

The skeletons were an interesting touch. Were they trying to make the Evas big and pilotable at first or did that become necessary due to the need for them to have a soul (even if it's not theirs) physically present inside them to be functional?

Hm. Lots to think about.

Also, with Asuka, I'm not sure if she's going to have a burst of recklessness that endangers her or if she's going to give up completely. She and Shinji are actually a lot alike. They both want to be loved. They just handle it very differently. Asuka wants to force it out of them and Shinji just makes himself available and agreeable to coax them to care about him. It's like when people become low maintenance to their own detriment. Whereas Asuka has elected to become high maintenance, perhaps to make people prove their care for her by doing what she wants them to.

I really hope they get even a few minutes of relief from their suffering before they are unfortunately sacrificed to further whatever Gendo is trying to do or for Seele's goals. One or the other. I'm not expecting any of these kids to survive, quite frankly.

Do you think Ritsuko dyes her hair so she won't look like her mother when she hooks up with Gendo? Like, she doesn't want him to think of her mom who banged him first? Food for thought.

#ask me things #my asks #answered asks #neon genesis evangelion #evangelion #first watch #rei ayanami #asuka langley soryu #shinji ikari #misato katsuragi #ritsuko akagi #gendo ikari #thoughts #reactions

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journey-to-the-attic · 6 months

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Okay this is going to be super mushy but it's nearing the end so I want to say it

I have always loved found family. It's my favorite trope, the only one I consume really

2021 was a super sucky year for me for a lot of reasons, and I was knee-deep in the Obey Me fandom, even if I didn't interact with the fandom itself. The reason I didn't is because all the content was romance based, and the only comfort I got all throughout 2021 was dreaming up scenarios in which the brothers were MY brothers, and it was just so weird to have that sort of connection with them in my head and then read romance stuff about them

And then randomly one day I was going out on a limb to see if there was any found family obey me content just because and I found JTTA

literally oh my god.

you were on I want to say the tenth chapter at that point? and immediately I got hooked like I had never been hooked by anything else before

for the first time I wasn't finding comfort in pretending the brothers were my brothers, but I was finding comfort in watching this little kid go through the story and interact with the characters and be her awesome little self, I felt like I didn't need to have that connection to the characters because IK having that connection was enough for me

Really quickly I stopped interacting with canon and instead latched onto JTTA, because 1. the way you write them is much better than the original imo and 2. because obey me is a dating game after all, and that wasn't the type of content I was looking for

your story has kept me hooked for a solid 2 years straight. I am here for every update, for every drawing, for every silly or angsty scenario because I love it so very, very much, and because I love IK very much. where the OBM characters once brought me comfort, now SHE does more than any of them

I'm going to be so real, this is the only fanfic I read anymore!! I used to open ao3 every day and now I only open to re-read JTTA over and over and read new updates

the thought of it coming to an end puts an ache in my chest, but I'm so, so incredibly thankful to you for making such an awesome story. I obviously can't speak for anyone else but it has impacted my life in so many meaningful ways (weird as it sounds) and has brought me endless amounts of comfort when I really needed it

so all that to say: Thank you, because you have just blown me away these past two years. that's all I wanted to say :))

Happy holidays, and I know IK wasn't the one getting high but I had to get this out of my head

oh my god i really wasn't expecting the image this is killing me

but that aside - aa sam!! i don't really know how to verbalise how much it means to me that you connected with my fic like this, but thank you for telling me!!! it's always lovely to see you and i'm super happy you found jtta both for your and my sake <333

#answering asks #whensam #<33

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xsenpi · 9 months

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the less authoritative and actually accomodating experience ive had in university so far is just infinitely better than grade schooling in which grade schooling forever fucked over my self-image and worth cuz of that constant pressure to perform

its a shame that university costs so fucking much cuz it legitimately feels liberating and classes feel done out of my own interest, with professors accomodating for my neurodivergence and other issues constantly making it really welcoming. gotta love america and the want to business-ify education making this actually like good experience overall a bad one

its not all like amazing or anything, turns out im just incapable to really live on my own and so it feels horribly lonely + just sucky to live in albeit i got a good enviroment of dormmates, so they help alleviate things sometimes

overall? i still regret paying for uni and wish i never did it but like for classes and things i am actually enjoying that part just wish other stuff didnt suck

#rei's thoughts

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tobyfobywoahby · 9 months

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today is gonna be a sucky day :(

might draw myself or take a nap as soon as I get home

but also self image is the thing I’m struggling w/ today so aaaaa

#jammy rambles #/nav btw

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jazzyblusnowflake · 1 year

Note

Which brushes do you use for CSP 😳??

oh i always dreaded this question lmao-

ill be honest and clear cut with yall~

✨I have no idea✨

//wHEEze-

ok lemme explain, [tho if you dont wanna read all this just skip to the images in the end that i posted of my dumb self made and modified brushes] i have always used different mediums in my art~ ive used SAI, Gimp 2, CSP and occasionally Photoshop for the effects, filters and some brushes~ and i almost never remember where i downloaded them from because, first off, they were free anyway and i also almost always change them to fit my style beyond recognition to how they originally looked by default XDDD

MOST of my work is usually with SAI with almost the only brush i use in general for everything [ Inking, Coloring the edges, Shading, Lighting, and most other hand drawn shapes and hatching and etc ] is used with these settings. i never change it because i had years of experimenting to finally be comfortable with these and i will die a painful death if anything happens to my laptop before i could save these settings so i keep it in my art files just in case lmao~ [i do NOT like change and trying new stuff is2g i need therapy-]

HOWEVER when it comes to CSP i have had..... very depressing progress yay :D ... SAI in my experience has been a bit sucky in being able to handle large sizes and layers or anything else and having the possibility of crashing but the way it makes some things easy has been a MIRACLE for my lazy ass, i might have given up art before i ever even started if SAI didn't exist, but as how all EASY things usually are they start lacking in variety after a while, and i realized since one of my friends had bought me a CSP a long time ago, heck i might as well use it and oh my GOD the anxiety it induced ended me up with an IV and several trips to the hospital for injections to calm me down [and potentially temporarily blinding me] im not even joking. i mean yeah i was going through stuff back then that did NOT help my situation in general but the fact that CSP doubled my anxiety cuz i just couldn't draw with it made me have several existential breakdowns where i thought i will never be able to improve my art as a self proclaimed artist anymore because i had gotten so used to only working with what i found PERFECTLY comfortable to my own tastes that im just useless at getting used to anything else... so what happened was that i went on the most violent weekly spree of downloading any brush i could that even resembled REMOTELY to what i wanted- i also searched for brushes on tumblr or google or anywhere else- i watched so many CSP transition videos on youtube my brain was spinning and i was on a rout of self destructive agony to make this WORK. so now i have a bajillion downloaded brushes and all of them have spawned 20 other copies that i have aggressively modified beyond any sort of resemblance to what they used to be- it doesn't help that the file names and the brush names are different so i cant search for them either 😑

but if the brush names could help you in finding them uhhh, heres like.... 1/10th of the brushes i downloaded and modified that i actually did NOT go back and delete because they are fun to have around XD

have fun, //goes to cry in a corner-

#snow rambles #csp #sai #brushes #csp makes me wanna die #but it has so much variety #artists must suffer for their work #thats why its called PAINting

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funkymbtifiction · 1 year

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hey :) you mentioned in your post below that with 9 core a second fix can be pretty apparent because 9 merges into its fixes - i was actually recently wondering if second fixes can sometimes be a bit obvious in general? my whiny tears friend i once wrote to you about has such a loud 4 fix i’ve considered him as a 4 before, except that while he does tend to wallow without fixing the problem, he also ultimately wants allies to band together with him, validate him and his truth and agree with him about how sucky and unfixable everything is. his 4 is so loud though that i can’t see any other image fix for him, and his gut fix was the least apparent to me.

i also once knew an unhealthy 2 with an 8 fix and the 8 was so loud that i thought he was an 8 core for a while, except that his MAIN thing was pride (and he had some of the unhealthy fatal attraction-ish brand of 2 traits such as stalking, manipulation, love bombing, inflated self image, etc). but 8 was so apparent that i didn’t see 2 for a while. and once again i wouldn’t consider any other gut fix, but the head fix (the last one) was debatable and not as immediately clear.

i know you also mentioned 6-1 standing out a lot for u and in the video i could see that it’s quite apparent so i guess i’m wondering can a second fix generally be a bit “loud”, at least to an observer?

thanks!

Yes, the second fix is loud and noticeable in others and to others. Enneagrammer says the third fix is "mostly present in its synergy" with the other two, but that the first two fixes are both vivid and apparent, and so far it seems to be true in those I have observed. It's much harder to spot the third fix than the core or the second fix.

#question #enneagram #tritype

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feelingunfulfilled · 9 months

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My parent (won’t disclose which one) firmly believes that that the root of my issues has to deal with being hormonal and not getting enough nutrition or daily exercise. They believe that I need to strengthen those aspects of my life in order to balance everything out and then I will have the proper amount of serotonin and feel better. Seems to not believe I have anhedonia and even thinks I’ve been lying to my therapist, not telling her the full disclosure truth of how my mood has been? From what my parent gathers living with me each day, they believe they are more familiar with my internal emotions then the therapist could be and I’m not being honest about the good moments I’ve had. Only focusing and talking about the negatives. But isn’t that what I’m MEANT to do with my therapist, discuss concerns and struggles so we can talk about healthy solutions? And even as I’ve had “good days” or seemed happy, it was a fleeting feeling and my baseline of emotion is still monotone or flat. Just because I have ups and downs doesn’t mean I’m improving, just because I can appear optimistic doesn’t mean I actually believe it or take my words to heart. Overall I’m still very negative and pessimistic, with no real baseline emotion. But I also won’t deny my parent the mindset that I’ve been having nice days, because all things rationally considered my days HAVE been good. But it seems kinda biased to ignore all the negatives and ignore my depression and say “oh yes your getting better without any medication, you just had to work harder at it”. I don’t want to have to work harder just to feel NORMAL. I shouldn’t have to dismiss all the sucky instances in my life and push them aside as if they don’t have merit in the situation. That isn’t realistic. Although they have a point, saying I shouldn’t keep feeding into negativity because that only worsens depression, it’s also irritating when they want me to only recognize cheerful fleeting moments and act like I’m not still feeling empty after all that ends.

I’m starting to get desensitized to that notion my parent pushes though; that my hormones are a contributing factor. Sayings things like “it could be your period making you upset, not depression” and attributing my frustrations to teenage hormones. The reason I kept rejecting that viewpoint was because it genuinely sounded like a personal attack to me. It felt like she was dismissing all my struggles and raw emotions (and lack of) as nothing more then a chemical reaction in my body. Like she wasn’t trying to see me for ME. Trying to separate myself as “perfect” from the messy aspects of who I actually am. And I hated being compared to those stereotypes of angsty teenagers, because I hate the notion. Ever since (and even before) I discovered myself to be asexual, I’ve been rather disappointed by the way movies portray teenagers…making a comedy out of real struggles we face, labeling them as “moody” and “emo” and “rebellious”. Oh this teenager is having identity crisis, hating their self image, and crying over how others judge & betray them? lol depressed teenager haha imagine being this self absorbed. I absolutely HATE how the film industry has made a joke and mockery out of being a teenager. Don’t get me started at the constant shoe-horned in immature sex jokes about MINORS and acting like every teen wants to get drunk and party and fuck everyone. Getting actors in their 30’s to pretend to be teenagers banging on the couch….like WTF how absurdly out of touch with reality ARE these people??? Not saying it doesn’t exist, I’m sure it does, but not to this degree and it’s certainly not fair for adults to then make the assumption that this is EVERY teenagers experience. That’s why I’m repulsed when people say “oh your just hormonal right now” because it’s seems like an assumption based on something that isn’t accurate to reality

It’s only now, after taking a step away from all this discussion, that I’m starting to think more deeply about the hormonal argument my parent makes. It may have more merit then I give it credit for. Although I want to see myself as an exception, truth is my body is still developing and I’m sure my mind is too. That most likely IS some reason behind my current actions and way of processing information. It’s possible my mind makes a bigger deal out of things which don’t matter in hindsight. And it’s very possible this “rebellion” phase of teenagers does have some logical truth to it, where children going into adulthood have to advocate for their wants and make themselves independent from parents. That resistance to control and being dictated is instilled deep within many teenagers, including myself to a certain degree (although I don’t enjoy the idea of having to fend for myself as independent adult for the rest of my life lol). So yeah, I’ll give the claim that. But aside from that notion…I still don’t believe it? The excuse that all my thoughts, feelings, actions are dictated by hormones seems absurd. And it makes me feel pretty shitty honestly.

#rambling #cw vent #vent

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soupskis · 1 year

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03.20.23

Well, you know what they say, when your day is awful, write it all down on tumblr. It's actually been a crappy two days. Remember guy who I didn't see anything long term with? The one I was kinda with but not dating? Well he decided he needed to focus on his life at the moment. Honestly I don't think it was an excuse, we were both not feeling it which it totally normal. I just didn't think that he would actually voice these thoughts in the middle of the day. On text. Right before one of my exams. So then all I could think about was our failed relationship (let's be honest it wasn't even close, it was a situationship at best), and how completely unprepared I was for my exam. Then later I call guy friend, and he's so nice about it all, and trys to make me laugh, right. Well he was lowkey flirting and maybe I was flirting back, but mostly I was ignoring the small little things my gut was calling flirting thinking nope can't possibly be it. And the next day (today) we're hanging out a bit and its fine, except that I'm still in that shitty mood I was in before. But my problem is that I am an extremely good actor, and I tend to hide my problems because I don't like other people to see me as vulnerable. I know, I know that can't be healthy, and when we were supposed to hang out after he kinda bailed on me and I snapped a bit. I was just like "Fine. Fine. Its fine I guess bye." and left. And It doesn't seem like a lot but it definitely is from me. And I think he has been ignoring me the rest of today. Maybe he got the vibes I was sending out to the universe of actually finding him attractive and he ran away. To be honest I would too.

Well to make my last two days less sucky here's, What I Did And The Good Things That Happened So My Life Looks Less Sucky:

I made snickerdoodles

My weight that I'm so self conscious about went down (yes I have body image issues too)

My personal favourite, I was driving around in my car when the sun was setting and a bit after listening to "Doo-Wops and Hooligans" as one does and "Talking To the Moon" came on. So naturally I was singing along, pouring my heart and soul into this and suddenly I see a dazzling display of fireworks. It was like the universe telling me that I'm gonna find someone eventually and to not worry about it. It was honestly magical.

Playoff season baby!! My team will win I hope you know.

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thegraveyardjohnsongrey · 1 year

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May 2021

May: Convos of the Day

“You gotta be your own Scooter Braun”

This month I learned that I need to be my own manager. Not only do I need to be the dreamer and the planner, but I also have to be the person who gets things done - for me. I need to put myself into advantageous places, and sometimes that means sticking my neck out and putting myself out there.

Yea it’s awkward. Yes it’s stressful. Yes it’s annoying. And yes it’s uncomfortable.

But I need to take those chances. Because even one opportunity sown from a hundred tries- is worth those hundred tries.

To @Manager me, be kind to us. Be fair. And be accountable for us. Understand that you are the part of us that goes beyond our fear and gets it done. Have a healthy relationship with how we do things, and push us enough to challenge us, not go against us. Do everything in love and in good faith.

+ Started Mile-a-day challenge + APABA video & positive feedback

+ Started Jupiter’s Legacy

+ Caden’s 1st Haircut!!!!

+ RKT broken up :/

+ Dan Lalican x Angelica’s Wedding!

+ Saturday Hangout at AC & Q’s house!

+ Memorial Day Sunday at the Calotes’

Major Projects:

Securing LORs

LSAT practice

Early stages of Applications

New life goals:

Healthier technique & sound when I sing

Loving to sweat and to see being active as a friend and something that feeds me back

Less IG/social media to avoid triggers of comparison

Self-care Goals:

More moisturized hair?

gluing down sides?

Spray to make it black?

Songs:

My Head & My Heart

SOUR ALBUM!!!!

Good 4 U x Misery Business

Fast (Motion)

Build-A-Btch

5.1.21

+ Adding “bigger” eyebrows to my face really adds a drama to my face that helps me having more striking features. I effs with it + I’m so proud of myself.

Bc before today I had nothing, and after today I have, like — not *everything but A LOT

and definitely enough to finish by Monday if I really wanted

Wow.

I love work

LOL

Not really - but I LOVE seeing ideas working out perfectly and everything coming to life !!!! ITS EXHILARATING AND SO SATISFYING + Square Game w CAM (and readings hashtag #BlackMagic)

I feel like so many people achieved their professional goals this year. Their “happy endings” that I’m trying to find. But am I lokong for a moment? A day? Where I feel achievement? Is this me trying to show gratitude to my parents?

Carmelle, Cori, Kendall, Dana, Nina (maybe like the latter two, I’m allowed to be proud of where I am and what I’ve accomplished - even if it’s not the complete image I had in my head of where I’d be- or if it’s not to the standard of everyone else)

5.2.21

1.) How you feel matters.

I used to think that

2.) Sometimes Friends hype up plans and don’t follow through.

It’s a sucky thing but it happens. Things come up, and sometimes plans change. It’s safest to not take those excited comments to heart. Lol

Robert -

That I know what it means to help build a community and that I know what to do with the resources I have and how to use that for others.

That I know how to think under pressure and to (mediate) difficult situations

Personal Statement Questions I want to answer

Who I am

How that inspires me be a lawyer

How _____ School will help me do exactly that

Make your arguments air tight!

Convincing myself that I’m not suffering when I am.

“Where in that do you hear about you giving that to God”

+ Surge of excitement/happy-prideful ness chemicals from IG and all the likes and comments coming from it (“is this like.. what it’s like to be famous?” LMAO)

+ Reward: Enjoying my social media and my AAPI Heritage posts after FINISHING THE SLIDESHOW VIDEO FOR APABA !! WOO (praise god I met that deadline and didn’t even realize!) - pats on own back for working hard, wormy smart, and EXECUTING the damn thing. BOBA WITH THE SISTERS TOMORROW TO CELEBRATE !!

5.3.21

+ Caden’s fly swatting

Importance of

feeling a wave of positive change and uplifting ness

Knowing how to work hard and smart- KNOWING when to take a break and to back in my work In bite-size increments

Allowing myself to get lost in my passion - and allowing myself to be PROUD of my work rather than defeated by it

Having pride in what you put forth

+ Serving face in the mirror when I was lying on on my bed. I may have gained a lot of my pre-pandemic weight back, but QORL I’m STILL saving face?????? Looks like that year really helped my develop more permanent angles huh (and pride for my flat nose and almond eyes!!!!)

5.6.21

Kuddos email from Alicia about presentation

Second email while at Gym - Things are possible

Feelings of lightness, like I’m where I need to be; sitting liking outside from an empty gym (Mirror - Porter)

Loving the shape of my nose today (it’s not like huge and irritated? It’s slim? And I’m like ??... never sure how that happens? But I wanna know how I get it like that. For future reference!

Feeling the pump from weights today was nice!! LATE 2020 BODY HERE I COME

also do carrots make you more orange in tint? Idk but I like the color of my skin rn- it’s so vibrant and brown and caramel-Y. And smooth! How I do that!!! Water intake?

5.7.21 Wanting to make good on wave of positive feedback and ask for letter of recommendation **Realization: You have to be your own publicist, manager, agent, therapist, fan. LOL. You literally have to pout yourself in the most advantageous positions, and that means being your own Scooter braun sometimes.

Mornings are for LSAT, Afternoons are for Family/Errands, Evenings for ME

I am very proud of you for cleaning so much and getting everything you wanted to get done today done. You studied, cleaned hella, cooked for yourself, ate a healthy meal, scheduled a chat with Zarra, cleaned your car, purged receipts- etc. I am so so so so offing proud of you. I see you. You are doing amazing

Epiphany: It doesn’t need to workout in the way I wanted; it just needs to work out

5.10.21

AL mad pissing me off

I’m always so frustrated when it comes to her, because mom and dad never taught us to A.) be boastful nor b.) Competitive with each other. But hey, I guess that’s what happens when you’re the middle and have to find a way to “shine”. It’s comforting to know that any of what I say has weight and that I’m not the only one who sees it. Praying for her unresolved insecurities tbh

I shouldn’t need to feel like I have to prove myself to you. In any light, really. Because your thoughts are your own, and your perspective is valid. Just so as long as you are bot rude, destructive, or divisive

But maybe that’s just it: maybe not any one of us HAVE to be the perfect one. There’s three of us that each of us are too at and I think that it is our calling to recognize that, live it, and be proud of jt

5.10.21

BMI is 31% ☹️☹️☹️ (I gained 16 pounds since December!!!!!!! I cry)

5.11.21 - felt overwhelmed by everything LSAT is in a month again, APABA social opportunities — WHATEVER. We can entertain networking and social opportunities AFTER June LSAT and the WHOLE year after we have finished submitting applications Focus on the projects you have already been assigned to and focus on mentorship with Zarra.

I can not be waiting on things and people that might not happen

5.11.21

“Kamille we’re at Armature”

Iconic pics, Kyle, and my booty !!!!!! #MangoSangria #MonicaMakesMeLaugh

It was so nice to be surrounded in laughter and good spirits again. To have like a “mini” night out. Granted, it was a little weird, since this wasn’t my crowd of close friends. But. Still nice!

It also freaks me out that all the “babies” from 2018 are al grown up and graduated - Raul, Jacob, Nica, etc. like girl..... HUH?????? (I am shook)

Monica is so effing funny. I forgot

5.12.21

These days, I’ve been wondering if/when I’ll ever get into law school. A part of me wonders if the past 3 years was just another script to go by - to prove and show to others that I was “working on something”. And when I look back on my progress, idk why I feel ashamed and aspiration-less and then other times I swallow up with pride.

Half of me wants to give myself unconditional love and support - and to endlessly believe that I’m- actually good (and destined) for law school.

Then the other half of me wants to stop pretending. It wonders why - if it was meant for me and part of my calling - why does it feel so impossible all the time? Am I fighting for a dream or am I bullying myself into an image of myself that I insist on having.

I’ve always enjoyed who I am around people and how they view me.

Been wondering if I’m bipolar. I’ve always felt everything so intensely - and I feel like I’ve always been prone to leaning into the positive more so than the negative.

Culture: It is a commitment to sharing traditions, remembering history, and embodying resilience.

5.13.21

Appreciating my face and my bod for what it is and re-learning to be body positive. Aka loving when I swear and not beating myself up for not measuring up the bar that I used to reach from before

Just like the world outside me, my body is allowed to have seasons. To change to grow to gain, to lose. I’m allowed to do it all

LMAO AT OUR RANDOM BURST OF CREYING in the car on the way to get soy sauce from the Philippine Grocery. “Hard Habit to Break” — hearing dads voice so clearly and it making me emotional that one day I’ll hear that and he won’t be there and LOL IDK WHY I RANDOMLY STARTED CRYIG LMAO IT WAS SO WEIRD

I did good today. I did a lot of things. I studied. I worked out. I grocery shopped for the house. I cleaned for the house. I prepped food. I picked up dinner for the Vus. I had quality time with them. I did good today. I deserve rest. I deserve reflection.

5.16.21

I don’t want to attach myself to those things, because if I do that, I’m afraid I’ll always be mourning myself. And I don’t want to expend that energy. Ya know, energy is not what I have all the time anymore. And that’s a part of growing up

If what I’m experiencing now is the beginning of how it’s going to be and one of many, I don’t want to always be here.

I want to welcome those parts of me that are coming in and all the good that is to come from me evolving and changing and growing.

I should be proud that I get to even have this. When many people don’t have that past/foundation to begin with, But that I get to do it again

Question for you right now

What can I do now to minimize those feelings of anxiety and shame?

Question for the future:

Do I ever get over these feelings of growing pain?

Is the life I’m building and in 5 years from now something I’m proud of adding to my existing catalogue of passionate and exciting work?

Something tells me to watch out for 2038

“To choose something opposite of what nature tells you is the being of love”

5.17.21 “No one thinks that of you. No one is attacking you no one is giving you bad energy. Stop feeding those illusions in your head, come outside of them and work and live and be alive.”

+ It’s so funny how I’m already daydreaming about what October///Fall 2021 is going to look like. Specifically after September when all the hell of these next few months are going to be over.

Sometimes I get scared thinking about what my application will look like. How defeated and hopeless I may feel. I’m scared it’s going to be like Sept 2020 all over again. And it’s in my head that Sept/October is just a cursed time for me all around (ever since 2019. Haha)

But at the same time, I can’t help but feel a small gust of optimism thinking about then. Knowing that Ill be done and knowing that I will have given it my all- even if it isn’t 100% of the image I had in mind for my first round of law school applications.

A small part of me hopes that I’ll be proud of myself for coming that far, and that whether I’ll be able to see it or not- that good things are inevitably coming my way.

I can’t wait to go to Khoimanda’s wedding and turn tf up!!!, I can’t wait for our potential family trip to Seattle, and for Fall/Halloween festivities to return. I can’t wait to hopefully see my lineage out and/or at a rave (ok, maybe not EDC? But def spring 2022! Lmao), I can’t wait to work on my body again, I can’t wait have more CAM hangouts and Quality FTs with friends I love by then, and overall I can’t wait feel as free as I did in between Feb LSAT and April NALA.

I think it’s so weird that I’m looking forward to Fall when summer has barely begun. But it’s all good. Summer 2021 is when ow tap thisbmuthafuqqa of an application UP. And submit that sht.

2022 we comin for you baybee

sometimes I feel bummed that no one (besides my family) got to see my “quarantine” bod/weight loss. But .. I guess the more I think about it, the more I realize that maybe that was something for me to enjoy.

+ “If I crave only the sensation of being in a relationship without having someone to fit the bill. Well then….. I want joy and excitement. I want the sensation of happiness more than I want a person. And I guess thats where the wrong foot was placed. “I bore my soul to you and you wanted no part of it. Thats enough to convince me.” —— a delightful thought I had while listening to jazz coffee shop music on YouTube. A reminder to myself to stay creative, stay hopeful, and to stick to what gives back to me.

5.18.21

"It's okay if it's only for a short time."

+ Feeding Ducks with Josh & Denni. I’m so happy that we’re all in each other’s lives again and that ... there’s a sense of bonding and connection again. Feels like a girl group that has since reconciled LOL #EthnicCleansingDucks #BananaAtDuck #YayForThemReteachingMeHowToRideABike #MealOnWheel #OliviaRodrigoWhatALegend

“I just felt so disconnected from myself and what I knew myself to be. And in turn that made me feel disconnected from those around me. Like... how could I relate and catchup and support my friend if I couldn’t even do that for myself. I didn’t feel like having that conversation of “ya know I’m not ok. I’m not the happiest, I do feel displaced. I wasn’t ready to share and fig into those feelings with someone else, largely bc I hadn’t even fully unpacked it myself”

+ If you ever want to feel better, put on some eyebrows and some chapstick. And drink your water. It’ll make you feel like a functional and presentable person again”

“I just feel like my life is changing as I know it.”

Things are always changing and time is always passing. The more you mimize your focus into that the more you’ll go mad. Stop fighting it - and dance along with it.

5.21.21

“God meets you where you meet yourself”

“Is that what you think that’s all i want you to be? Not g?”

“I will always be g. Unless you look like I ain’t looking at you”

5.22.21

+ Caden’s 1st Haircut he’s so cute and so smart and so kind and so cuddly! UGH

+ Laughs with Ate Lee in the car (Idk how to make a fire)

+ Invited to Dan Lalican’s wedding (I know, random right? Lmao)

+ It’s so weird to think that one day I will look back on this time - law school application stress, LSAT, taking care of Caden, being jobless —- as something of the past. That instead of being the “now” and the present moment, it will one day be another “past era” in my life that I’ll be able to look back on. I realize that so much more these days. Like whenever I hear “Rain on Me” or the “positions album”. the more I hear music from Summer or Fall 2020. That. Despite all the hardships and sadness and feelings of loss I felt from so many things in that time- there was still a life I lived and still so much good I had.

It’s always so weird to me how you can’t fully reflect on a time period until it’s passed. Until it’s gone. And so idk why that always makes me feel bittersweet. It freaks me out and makes me sentimental all at the same time and often I never really know how to process it. Lol

I wonder if there will ever be a time when I’m better at processing how fast time changes and how flexible life can be.

But I guess maybe that should make me feel excited? That the more things change, the more things will remain fresh and exciting.

Idk.

I just hope that in 5 years I’ll be able to look back on this time with a big swollen heart; filled with gratitude and excitement.

We hope LOL

5.23.21

People make decisions based on their experiences of you. And if their experience of you is that you’re late and you make last minute decisions, then you shouldn’t be mad at that.

“I’ve always been my most confident self when I talk about the Lord

the power of speaking to someone so rooted in the Lord

Snapped me out of my funk. The realization that: in it praying

I’m where I’m meant to be - and that as long as I’m doing it with the Lord it’s good

“You sound like you’ve really grown and are at peace with that. That’s beautiful.”

5.24.21

+ My dump truck fattie booty while sitting on the bench at the gym #BlueNikeShorts #WhiteWoodlandsBoxers

+ My sexy as progress and how toned and tan and good my body looks; we making it baybeee!

+ Felt incredibly confident 10/10 physical appearance wise (clear smooth skin, no terrible flare ups and looked so effing toned today)

+ Feel antsy about LSAT and future

+ Looking forward to wedding fun this Friday but also getting nervous at how Much I have to make room for it and prep during this week - WHICH takes away study time 😭

5.25.21

Time passes. And you’ll have lots to reminisce on (luckily). But it doesn’t mean you have to be sad. SMF throwbacks and talking w Reena. — You’re allowed to be as joyful and excited and full of humor and light, no matter how slow things are going on. You don’t have to guilt yourself into feeling a certain way. Time passes. And you are allowed to dance and to Move freely along with it.

What a gift it is to see things progress as they are meant to. What a gift it is to remember unique seasons and to embrace every fruit that those times gave us. What a gift it is to experience change.

Sometimes these days I have a hard time embracing what’s supposed to be “permanent”. And I guess... it’s weird. It feels like time passes so slowly and so fast at the same time. And I feel like hitting everything down because I always want to be able to remember every moment, ever sensation, and every feeling. Even if it’ll pass. And these days i I guess I just didn’t expect things would change so drastically.. but I guess that gives me hope. I guess if I take a quick glimpse at all of my favorite things - if I look at X-Men comics, Britney Spears albums, I guess things have to change. And the beauty of every single change came with the fact that every change made way forward something new. Something fresh, unfamiliar, and exciting, Not change, but progress. And I want to remember that progress is where new treasures are found. Progress brings valleys, it brings highs and lows, and it brings the unforeseeable. But I guess that’s what makes an interesting Song. And I guess - if you compare the open dessert with the Gand Canyon, you’d be far more amazed and enchanted by the Canyon. In all its varying heights and inconsistencies and unique/fine details. From a grander point of view , I guess that’s what makes something beautiful. Not necessity details of repetition and predictability. But in the larger picture of a grand image.

You are allowed to feel old anxieties and old pain. Don’t let your pride be the one to repress your feelings and make you feel small and go unheard. Sit with your insecurities. Allow them to tell you your fears. Finally, learn to walk with them, allowing them to leave as they please.

Inspired by my feelings of not wanting to force myself to go along with a certain feeling I’ve had from before, I removed Kyle, Tammi, and Randy from my IG close friends. I don’t know why it feels like such a big deal (when these friends don’t hold a necessarily CLOSE CLOSEE place. Idk. I guess I just want to stop justifying certain things that I do when I feel that it doesn’t give back to me).

5.26.21

My face looks so much better with facial hair. Like my features really POP and look symmetrical when my hair is grown out

+ Talking to loads of friends today on FT - Josh, Reena, Calvin, etc

Made the realization that ... I’ve had the tendency of withdrawing from friends and catching up with them in this pandemic era. Not only bc I don’t have money LOL, but bc Im never excited to talk about myself when we inevitably catch up. I hate telling the same story I’ve been telling since 2018, and I especially don’t want to confront the issue that .. I’ve been happier. That I’m not my best, and that I’m not the most hopeful rn. And that the place that I’m in is one of being tired all the time, being afraid all the time, feeling like I’m not measuring up or doing anything right. And feeling left to wonder if all my most memorable moments are behind me.

And so whenever Im going through periods like that I tend to withdraw bc I don’t want to lie and pretend that everything is good. I guess that so much of my identity is being a happy and energetic version of me, so much of what I’m known for (and feel valued for) is being that. And so when it comes to being anything BUT that, it makes me take a step back. And..... I don’t want to be sad Judsy, I don’t want to be helpless, hopeless, and God-less Judsy. I don’t know how to be that person with my friends. I don’t know that person.

And... I mean I guess technically I know that person. I know that person very well, in the comfort of my own journals and in my own secure thoughts of reflection. but I don’t know how to be that person in the presence of others. And so I guess that’s something I’m working on and building off of. Recognizing that it’s ok not to be this bright & bubbly caricature all the time. And that my real friends value who I am when I’m not funny.

Appreciate Josh, Calvin, Reena, and all my friends who remind me what it feels like to feel seen and to be wanted. and that it’s ok to laugh Life off and keep going..

5.31.21

could care less about katey and kyles engagement (lol oops)

Caden’s sweet demeanor and how he looks concerned and presses his tiny face against ours whenever we pretend to faint :’) LOL

Seeing Devera again and remembering how genuinely funny and a joy it is to laugh with him

Raffy and PDP

Seeing Caden w Liana

Kinda bummed that G didn’t text us when rolling :’/ LMFAOO oh wellz. Humble reality checks I suppose. (Maybe we really not should be relying on certain people or circumstances to fulfill us. Rather, to allow life to change and bend and to allow whatever THAT looks like to fulfill you? And to trust in that.

Siana’s Legacy:

Artists using the “90s Dance” trend after acclaimed 2019 album “Uncharted”

“Honeymoon Fades” Era Singles

“Honeymoon Fades” (released November 6, 2020)

“Baby” (video December 11, 2020)

My Head & My Heart (released February 20, 2021)

“Not Siana giving us 2018 and 2019 vibes from all these haircuts”

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