wanting to talk to people is so fucking embarrassing. literally hi it's me again I wanted to have a conversation with you because I think you're fun to talk to. oh god you can just fucking kill me if you want sorry

If you're a creator and you needed to hear this today:

You have no idea how many people lurk on your work. No idea how many times people go back to revisit your work. How big they smile when they simply think about your work. How fast their heart beats, how excited they get when they see that you posted something.

People are shy with their feedback. Sometimes it’s because they’re simply shy. Other times it’s because they assume you already know how great and talented you are. Could be both.

My point is, even if you barely have any likes or reblogs, don’t get discouraged. You have a lot of silent fans, but they are still your fans. Keep on creating. Because there is always someone out there who will love what you have made.

Slowly learning that a labor of love is worth it. All the times I get down on myself because “animating is taking too long and I can’t go on anymore without feeling like the progress I’m making isn’t substantial enough for when I wish I could upload it sooner-“ only hinder and stagnant my ability to be creative and to push myself. But really I needed to take a break and remember the reason I started it was purely for myself. To get the satisfaction of seeing how smooth I could make all the in between frames and to force myself to focus and use reference images to help me along during the process. So that I can improve my shading. So that I can improve my use of perspective. So that I can get used to drawing backgrounds. So that I can continually build upon these skills and feel confident and proud of what I’m able to accomplish. And I’m slowly starting to see animation as therapeutic again instead of a laborsome chore (although it can very much still be both!). After months of avoiding it, finally….FINALLY I feel like I’m growing back into my skills. I’m working with the process not against it, and that’s very freeing

Langston Hughes (1902-1967), ‘Tired’, “New Masses”, Vol. 6, #9, Feb. 1931 Source

I’m starting to get in my head again, because I got suddenly shaken by this feeling of just…missing out? Not feeling like I’m being included in something that I wish I could geek about? It’s absurd, and not even that big of a deal. Hypothetically I can join in and start posting my own silly art doodles I make up for fandoms and my original characters without worrying about the judgement of others but…..I still don’t feel like I’d have the confidence to do that, as much as I wish that could be the case

I love seeing this small community of people who are unashamed to post about their fictional crushes and share that enthusiasm with others, being able to freely make content about their self-inserts and the silly romantic interactions…and man I’m glad that I’m able to at least observe all that creativity and social bonding from the sidelines. But sometimes I look back at my own doodles (which are VERY sloppy in comparison to others and more like rough outlines of narrative story points) and start to feel like it wouldn’t be the same…wouldn’t be welcomed into that community with as much enthusiasm. And the thing is I don’t even know if that’s what I want? I’m aromantic and asexual. Fictional crushes are few and far between. I want to be a part of a group of artistic story-driven daydreamers who share the same admiration for a comfort character of mine and yet, I don’t think I’d be able to bring the same level of excitement to the table. And even if I did, I’m worried it would come across as weird acting so friendly to these online strangers and expecting to form some sort of friendship out of that

I guess that’s the main point of contention. That I’m growing worried that I’m unable to keep long lasting close relationships in person with all the changes going on. Maybe that’s the actual feeling that’s making me feel out of place. And I just really want to feel a part of something whilst posting whatever the hell I want to when it comes to sharing my art, interests, and what makes me exited. But something about how it’s presented makes me feel like I’d just be trying too hard? I don’t think I know how to post just for my own sake anymore, since I’m used to just rebloging things and keeping myself on the down low. I love supporting other artists. But I’m getting increasingly less vocal, and allowing them to form relationships with other users instead of getting involved to the point of making an actual friendship. Because I’m worried an online friendship wouldn’t last anyways? Even if that’s ridiculous because I’m active frequently

I have an issue with sharing information about myself. I used to make an effort to reach out to others, but that’s dwindled in recent years once again. Especially online I rarely ever initiate contact….which as you can imagine, leaves less room to socialize and make connections despite wanting to. Because when I see users interacting and sharing fandom posts with their friends and whatnot I start to feel even more out of place and distant…and I wish I had that or could be that sometimes. But hey…..guess until I make the effort to be more open, engaging, and post for my own sake that likely won’t happen

how to grow the fuck up

adhd moment

Pills.

Great. First I get assaulted by some ai character who went all romantic on me, and then I open tumblr to see porn bots posting photos of naked people. Wonderful, really living in some dystopian world right now aren’t we. Makes me very optimistic about the future and not at all taking a negative toll on my mental health again /j

You know what the most frustrating part about my school is? They tell us we have to complete a community service requirement before the end of the year, and then proceed to make it hella difficult to verify the hours. None of my teachers accept my hours until the organization signs this digital verification thing. The issue is, I submitted my completed hours MONTHS ago. But somehow every teacher neglects to tell me that “woops your 20+ hours aren’t actually verified. You need to do that before next month or your not graduating I guess” making me feel like a complete failure in front of the entire class. It makes me seem like the asshole when I email these organizations the week of thanksgiving telling them “um actually I know I served you LITERAL MONTHS ago but uh turns out I still need your approval or else my school thinks I’m a filthy liar”. It get worse when the people at the organization barely remember who you are, and get frustrated that you didn’t ask for verification months prior. I just want to cry right now because even though I know it’s not that big of a deal, it feels like a sudden blow to the face and drop of confidence knowing your suddenly behind in the class. I feel like a terrible failure and it’s humiliating having to do this whole thing all over again. I don’t like getting into other peoples business and telling them “you owe me community service hours” when they shouldn’t have to owe me anything. I thought you where supposed to do community service out of the goodness of your heart because it’s something you actually care about, not because the school shoves it down your throat and treats it like an academic requirement. It feels scummy emailing these organizations after all this time has passed and sheepishly asking them to help boost your grade. Because then it feels like all you care about is the grade and not the cause. Idk I just…I don’t want to do this anymore

Fuck it took me this long to realize my Snatcher keychain is missing. Completely vanished from the hook on my backpack, like someone deliberately took it. Or maybe it tore off somehow but it’s made of really durable plastic I don’t know how it would have fallen off like that. Yesterday I thought someone brushed past my backpack aggressively and I heard a clipping sound, but I didn’t think anything of it since nothing dropped on the floor. Actually for a while I thought I was to blame and accidentally hooked off someone else’s keychain. Well shit. I don’t know where the hell it ended up, I don’t even know if it was missing the day prior or today. Fuck man

and very, very often, self care is not plants and ice rollers and fluffy blankets of peace.

it’s standing over your kitchen sink and crying while doing the dishes because you just want to go back to bed but the dishes need done. and you don’t know why you’re crying but you're trusting you need it. and you aren’t listening to the music that pulls you into a spiral; you’re listening to some cheerful shit your friend sent you. it’s getting up and staring at your fridge and closing your eyes and then cooking yourself food even though you hate it and it’s miserable. because you know that you’d cook for your friend, and you are trying to befriend yourself. it’s dragging yourself into the shower because you know you’ll feel better afterwards. it’s doing mundane tasks with patience, cursing under your breath, trying desperately to give yourself grace. grace is the beginning of care. care is the beginning of love.

we think it’s supposed to be peace and yet the most powerful self care moments are when we hate everything but especially ourselves. and life does not feel worth the loving. to look into that pain and yet choose to care for yourself in however many pieces you are — that is care. love. grace. trust. belief. it hurts because it’s love where there was no love before. it heals because it believes there will be love, one day, soon.

fuck healing let’s just go insane

Ya know it would be great if my anxiety didn’t start acting up when I’m about to do ASL. Like, I’ve practiced this project multiple times already but still worry I’ve missed something or will forget everything. Doesn’t help that this room is loud as hell right now, like can I at least practice one last time without paranoia & distraction? At this point I’d like to just get it over with instead of waiting and letting the anxiety slowly build up and swallow me whole <<

ALSO I gotta go to a deaf event after school so YIPEEE x2 ASL signing anxiety HAHA (blatant sarcasm). Honestly, last time wasn’t that bad and I found myself enjoying talking to the people there. They are nice people who are willing to put up with students like me and I respect that patience. It’s genuinely a safe environment. But STILL I get so nervous thinking about awkwardly signing like a 4th grader and stumbling along trying to remember stuff. AAAAA

I also feel weird saying this, because I hope it doesn’t come across like I’m purposefully Infantasizing those with neurodivergence, but I sometimes feel like I get FOMO because I’m not invested in fandoms as much as those with special interests. I want to be exited about a new episode of Helluva boss, but I can never match the excitement of my friend with ADHD who is able to hyper-fixate on fandoms. Like, they also have diagnosed depression yet they still manage to have excitement and openly discuss their interests with others meanwhile I’m too conscious of others reactions to state any of my opinions. I wish I could be more bold, more outspoken, have more emotional reactions and responses to things instead of being a vessel for my mind. I used to have a hyperfixation, I used to be able to immersive daydream. But I lost it all and now I don’t feel anything when I go back to that fandom. Nothing sticks with me anymore.

I know you should never compare yourselves to others, and I’m aware my friend still has terrible days. Living with neurodivergence is something I’ll never experience, and therefore I could never understand the hardships that come with it. I’m sure it makes living with neurodivergence in a neurotypical world absolutely awful at times, something which I wouldn’t be able to understand as a neurotical. I’m fully aware having ADHD or autism doesn’t make life better, it’s still difficult. But still, I feel like I’m not happy or exited enough about a fandom. I feel unable to have a personal connection to the fictional world, meanwhile my friends seem to get invested easily