I didn't realize that it has been a long time since I drew inspiration from the nature: the trees, the sun, the clouds, the winds, the ocean, you name it. And I have been hard on myself because of that, why does the sunlight no longer tickles my mind anymore? Why does the sight of greens or the skies doesn't set me on a writing spree? I was so mad and frustrated that it had been going on for years. Probably started around the time when I came back to this city for work.
It finally dawn on me that my source of inspiration might have shifted. Well, who doesn't? Who only uses one source of creativity and be content with that? I was foolish to even wish that I had to be inspired by trees and what not all the time. I do admit that my past writings had been about nature and I was kind of proud of it. It was the most productive period of writing that I could remember.
Anyway, this ephipany came to me while I reflected on the people around me. I find that the more I focused on what I found commendable about others and pray for them, the more I learn about myself. It came into a full circle that I was amazed by this realization.
By reflecting on other human being, I learnt that they're not having it easy too in their daily life but I seldom hear them complain about how tired it is to go home so late at night, etc. I was reminded of how I kept on complaining how far away is my company to the apartment. "It's a 20Km ride from home to office, it's so tiring yada yada yada", that's what I always told others. Contrary to me, they weren't milking on their reality, they told people about it when asked and be done with it. Face the music bravely without making a fuss.
I also meditate on the fact that I've been here for almost 7 years now. I'm a relocator, a nomad, a transferee, or maybe an adventurer for pursuing life outside the place I've known my whole life: my home of 18 years. I was so scared of being 'too' rooted in the place I'm in now but I can't deny that I am trying to leave a mark wherever I am. Even for a little, I hope to bring good change and leave this place a tad better than it was before. That small effort is what I've been holding on to all this time. Wherever I go and wherever I am, I will do my best to make this place a little better.
I imagine if I were to have my family over here or back at my hometown, I don't think I can be the 'me' now. If it weren't for these past 7 to 8 years, there might be a different me now. I was able to crack open the current me because I made those past decisions.
Now, I'm ready to crack open another me and another journey. The journey I desire years ago. I hope in 2024, I made that leap of faith. It's still scary now as it is years ago but I hope you're braver now.
-Reina
P.S. I wanted to be able to do video essays. There were a lot of cool video essays out there that I admire so much. (There are several accounts I like from IG: americanbaron, r.c.waldun, __we_love_you_, water_wild_month, mahlyf_mahrulez).
The girl, dressed in her vibrant, crimson cap and gown, clutched her diploma in hand. She sat at the back of the gymnasium, watching the parents haul the podium back into the storage room for next year’s ceremony. Abandoned graduation caps were scattered across the floor, marking the end of her high school career. Just like that, in a blink of an eye, the five most crucial years of her life had passed. The era of coming-of-age, finding who you are, and teen angst, had concluded. After a few more minutes of sitting among the empty wooden bleachers, she made her way across the squeaky gymnasium floor and exited the room for the final time.
Her parents were waiting outside for her by the car, but she decided to peruse the hallways one last time. She walked up each staircase of the school. This was the end, she thought. The uneven popcorn ceilings, the dust-filled lockers, and the erosion of the mold-infested bathrooms emanated comfort, warmth, and disgust, all at once. She wished she could scrap these final years of her youth, erasing them completely. She often imagined pressing a big red button with the words “REDO” printed on it, and tailoring each experience of her high school life to her liking.
As she made her way to the very end of the hallway, she peered down a dimly lit, spiral stairway. She could see herself in the eighth grade again, sitting alone against her cushioning backpack, watching every other ordinary student pass by her. She could see herself, so clearly attempting to make friends, altering her personality and her dislikes and likes, like a seamstress fixing a dress for a meticulous client. As these past recollections flooded her memory, she experienced a new sadness.
However, she knew she wasn’t isolated in this experience. Just like her, several other students would sit alone in the hallway, staring at the bright light of their phones and eating their lunches in their daily, thirty-minute break period. Others were well-accepted by their peers, projecting smiles and laughter, while sheltering their true loneliness.
The façade of her romanticized recollection of youth slowly unveiled itself.
During the graduation ceremony, the principal, Ms. Smith, went on about how the 2023 class “endured many shared hardships” and “faced the daunting world of high school together”. The girl stood in the sea of crimson gowns, looking around, observing the crowd of students to her left and right, unable to identify many of their faces or names.
Did we even really know each other?
The girl thought to herself, for six hours a day, five days a week, we were all forced to be together in the same vicinity.
Separate, but together.
Alone, but together.
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Works Cited
Baron, Ryan [@americanbaron]. “Who cares if you don’t live twice? We get the point after once around. #existentialism #life #writing #philosophy #yolo.” Instagram, 3 Mar. 2023, https://www.instagram.com/reel/CpWnR2igepb/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link. Accessed 29 Nov. 2023.
Ian, Janis. “At Seventeen.” YouTube, uploaded by JanisIanVEVO, 18 July 2017, https://youtu.be/ESS0eKJpEZQ?si=lY7tEaU8H9b9_Jkk Accessed 29 Nov. 2023.
Read "The Ones Who Walked Away From Omelas", bc of a recommendation from someone I admire (AmericanBaron). Not that good, actually. Sad, and philosophical, and well-written- but not what I was expecting. Thoughts?
It starts with them fighting over Bucky, then Sam begrudgingly accepting Zemo's fashion advice, and then a candlelit dinner to German classical music, until Bucky finds them on the sofa, and Sam's all "Yeah I'm kissing the Baron, let's not make a big deal out of it."
AmericanBaron:
"There's a bit of green in the blue of your eyes," "I've studied you,"
But why, Zemo? Of all the Avengers you could have amazing chemistry with. Like....
IronBaron:
Mostly because of their incredible actors. I'll die mad they never shared a screen together in the MCU. The angst would be marvelous. Two sugar daddies competing for dominence while mourning their families and hating Steve Rogers.
BaronSharon:
The vengeful power couple. Zemo doesn't seduce Sharon though; she just straight up joins him, cuz she's that fed up with the Avengers and the government.
FrostBaron:
Zemo gets more than he bargained for when he tries to fuck with Asgard the way he did the Avengers. The Trickster God might give this manipulative Sokovian a taste of his own medicine.
ScarletBaron:
Two manipulative Sokovians who blame Tony Stark for their dead families. Maybe the Baron takes Wanda off the streets, and makes her his bride or mistress....not expecting her to end up overpowering him in every way. The Scarlet Baroness may take over her husband's empire.
(We'll presume Wanda's an adult for all this. Unless you want to get deliberately creepy.)