Alien:... I'm sorry, what?
Human: oh yeah, appareny it really did happen. That's how we developed our datings I think, by determining how long ago since Christ died.
Alien: YOU CRUCIFIED A GOD?!
Human: woah, not me personally! This happened centuries ago. He could not have picked a worse time to come.
Alien: YOUR SPECIES KILLED A GOD! HOW ARE YOU NOT ALARMED?!
Human: Oh! It's all good. He says all is forgiven as long as we're nice to each other, and we follow his rules.
Here is what my mother told me when I was young: the world is harsh. It is unforgiving and it has teeth. Take no shit.
Here is what I have learned from the world: it is wounded and the humans scattered throughout it are rarely the rats of Rat Park, they are the tired, trembling experiments in need of more kindness, not less. Do no harm.
Here's what I have learned from the world: humans are good. They are soft, and gentle, and they are wounded, all of them. When humans were young and wild, they looked at the snarling beasts that came to their fires, the ones with sharp teeth in their long muzzles, and they saw soft fur and the welcome-home wag of a tail.
Here is what I have seen: Given an opportunity, humans will choose creation and love. They will create art, and music, and community. They will tell each other stories, sing each other songs, help each other heal. Even without safety, even when it wounds them, they will love. They will love each other - their family, their friends, their mates - and they will love the world.
Here is what I have seen: there is hope. Sometimes it is ugly and twisted and burns, but humans will hold onto it with both hands and their entire heart. They will share it with one another. They will use it to tame beasts with fur and teeth as well as the ones that live inside of themselves. They will create because of it; they will say I hope this makes someone smile, I hope this makes someone cry. I hope this saves someone. And it will.
Here is what I know to be true: evidence of a healed broken bone from thousands of years ago reminds us that what makes us human isn't our wounds, but how we care for one another through them.
Here is what my mother told me: the world will gnash its sharp teeth at me. It will try to wound me.
Here is what I know to be true: I am human, and humans heal one another and can turn sharp teeth into wagging tails.
I started thinking about that one post about how from dogs POV humans are beings that live like 500+ years (because I was petting my dog and I was looking at her like "thirty thousand years of cooperation have led to this. our species have spent 30k years building up to the point where you, child of wolf, descendant of noble hunters and wild things, would come all the way out of the office and come sit with me in the hopes of letting a souped up monkey rub its paws on you")
and then I thought about what it must have been like for the first humans to let a fucking wolf, maybe only a few generations from the wild, behold their infant child. Like man can u believe that? Maybe this alliance is only a few years old and sure you've seen the wolf's kids but now you've got one of your own. And even though you've seen this wolf tear out the throats of creatures that could kill you, this wolf is your family. This wolf is your friend, you love them and they love you and you gotta show 'em the new kid, look, friend, I had a child. I know you are wild and dangerous, but look at this, my most precious thing, sniff him, give him a lil lick, his children and your children will be bound together for thirty thousand fucking years because I love you
There's a set of preserved footprints from 30k years ago that is a young child and a wolf standing side by side can you fucking imagine? Maybe the kid’s mom was like “hey go get some water from the stream, but take the wolf with you. I trust him, he will protect you.”
This post is a reminder to all intergalactic citizens but especially those within the fixed universe to please be extremely critical of any “cute” videos that involve humans (bipedal hominid organisms from Earth, Milky Way, Laniakea)
I have noticed a significant uptick in viral content containing this species (probably thanks to Xarqrets Kain’s recent “Universe’s Cutest Aliens: Sol” series 🙄) and I am very concerned with how humans are treated to produce such content. We all love seeing cute human videos, so let’s break down how we can ensure the content we’re consuming is ethical!
Red Flag Human videos to watch out for:
ANY video featuring a human on a planet other than their native home of Earth.
These videos are particularly concerning considering the increasingly pervasive (and highly illegal) human pet trade. Humans are a remarkably adaptable species, but even those who appear well-adjusted to life on another planet are in great danger. Exposure to novel pathogens in humans are not well-studied and any human placed in a new environment could be at risk of death or corruption. These creatures are also highly gregarious and removal from their established social group on Earth can be detrimental to health and well-being. Responsible scientists will only remove humans from their planet as a last resort.
Be cautious of videos that show humans inside their homes
Access inside human domiciles is highly restricted to legitimate research studies only, and bootleg streams from illegally placed monitoring systems are highly unethical. If you are curious about how humans behave in their homes, please seek out streams from accredited research organizations that have collected footage by methods undetectable to humans!
Beware of content that shows captive humans engaged in dangerous situations
Humans are illegal to own for many reasons, but one of the most crucial is that this species has a dangerous tendency to get into things they should not. Humans are pathologically curious, and captive humans (especially bored ones) WILL find the most dangerous place in their environment to “explore”. I recently saw a video circulating of someone’s pet human approaching a field of Termakhan, solely because it wanted to get a better look at them. I shouldn’t have to tell you how dangerous that situation was.
This one should really be a no-brainer by now but please do NOT share videos where humans are curled into a ball on the ground or producing excessively intense acoustic waves. These are signs of extreme distress in humans!!
The unfortunate reality of most encounters with humans (by non-trained individuals) is that they are highly frightening to the humans involved. That “adorable” video of a human vibrating the air molecules around it to an extraordinary degree when touched is actually an example of a behavior that is now well documented as an extreme stress response called “screaming”. Just because humans display fear in a way we don’t immediately recognize does not mean they’re not distressed by contact with us.
There is plenty of safe and ethical human content you can find if you look, and there is really no reason to support videos that put this amazing species at risk! Instead, seek out videos of adorable humans exhibiting normal behavior in their natural habitat on their planet- walking along coastlines, interacting with other species’ on their planet, playing with their young (so cute!), sharing meals with one another, and so on. Do your part to limit the human pet trade and avoid media that endangers or distresses these creatures just to make a “cute” video!
ok i just had a humans-are-space-orcs thought
i grew up in bear country. like, the “you can’t leave food in your car because the bears will break your car and eat it” kind of bear country. so up there people make sure to teach their kids how to avoid getting eaten by bears. and you know the number one thing you do to avoid encountering a bear in the first place?
you make sure it hears you coming
if you’re hiking with a friend, you talk loudly the whole time. if you don’t want to do that, or you’re alone, you wear bells or something else that makes noise. because bears aren’t stupid, they know humans are trouble, and they don’t wanna fuck with you any more than you wanna fuck with them
like. think about that. bears are walking tanks. they can cave in the door to a house or move around a 500 pound dumpster like its nothing. you can shoot a bear with a gun and not do much more than piss it off. a bear could absolutely pick off one lone human on a hike for a free meal. but bears never hunt humans, and they rarely attack humans
like imagine an alien visiting earth and their human friend hands them a bell and says “when we go through here we gotta make sure the local apex predators know exactly where we are at all times”
and they’re like “...oh, yes, of course. the other predators on earth must have learned that they can’t kill a human, and it’s better to avoid a fight if you can”
and the human says “no, if a bear attacked us we’d die”
and they’re like, wait, what?? you want to give our exact location to something that could easily kill us? do you have a death wish??? and their friend is like, no, look, bears don’t fuck with humans if they can help it
not because they can’t, but because they know better
Aliens vs Human Instincts
Ahem. For the consideration of the Humans are Space Orcs/Oddities/Deathworlders/Australians I present: wound licking instinct.
Humans, and most mammals, are hardwired to lick their bleeding wounds because our saliva contains tissue factor - which helps clot blood - and the enzyme lysozyme (also found in tears) which helps prevent infection.
However, human saliva also contains a horrifying amount of dangerous bacteria, so it's anyone's guess whether they're going to prevent or cause an infection when they start licking up their own blood. Human saliva coated wounds have caused infections bad enough to cause amputations and deaths, historically speaking.
Now imagine you're an alien whose species does not have the wound licking instinct.
You're already scared out of your mind because you've run your limit and the human is still following you. You hit it with something sharp. It staggers, it's hand bleeds.
It reaches up and licks the blood off its hand. It consumes itself with bared teeth. It hasn't taken its eyes off you as it does this.
In the ensuing scuffle it bites you. Somehow you manage to escape. But the wound aches and burns and the infection nearly costs you your arm.
You see the human again later that day. It waves. There is no sign of death in its hand.
New Sentient Alien Meeting For The First Time: *growls*
New Alien: *shook*
Crewmate Alien: I thought your species didn’t communicate in growls and snarls anymore?
Human: I ain’t about to be disrespected by someone acting a fool
history of humans
this is an old favorite of mine that i redrew and updated
I'm just going to say it.
It's okay to have a low IQ.
It's okay to not be "smart", as in clever, witty, or cunning. It's okay.
It's okay to not be a leader. It's okay to be content following people- the important thing is making sure you're following the right people for you.
It's okay not to be good at maths and science, and it's okay not to be good at English or art or drama. It's okay if you're not good at anything "academic".
It's okay if you don't have a special talent, or a hobby you're particularly invested in.
It's okay to not be charming, or funny, or 'pretty'.
It's okay if you aren't society's ideal.
None of these things detract from you being a person. None of these things mean you have any less worth as a human being. Even if any of these things mean that you can't contribute to society as an engineer or a doctor or something, that doesn't mean you can't contribute to other people's lives. Don't let society determine your self worth.
Because you can still be kind. Still give people cookies, or hugs, or companionship. You can still do things, you could still find something that you're passionate about, you could still find your calling.
And even if you don't, that doesn't mean you aren't still human. All human beings have intrinsic value, just for being alive. You have the right to be part of society, and more importantly to be alive, whether or not you have something that make other people like you.
Your life is not dependent on others. You are allowed to just exist, to not have found that thing that makes you "you" yet.
It's okay, I promise.
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one thing i really love about humans is that we laugh when we are alone. there is no one to show our delight to, no one who we must perform for, no social cue to politely pick up on, and yet, when reading a book, watching a movie, seeing something funny happen outside the window, we laugh. we laugh not because we have to or because we have learned to, but because it is our natural reaction to joy. we laugh because we want to
Humans Are Feral: Part 2
Wow, I did not expect that last post to be received so well, and so fast. Thanks so much to all those who left awesome comments, reblogs and notes. And since it was received so well, I decided to go ahead and write the part two I’ve been thinking about since part one.
So, humans can vicious and absolutely feral at times. Our society often criticizes such behavior, referring to it as “acting like an animal.” And don’t get me started on how humans love to make themselves seem important by separating ourselves from the rest of the animal kingdom whether from religious belief or simple egotism. But our animal instincts are still a part of us, even though they have been suppressed through hundreds of years of societal evolution. The biggest example of these primal instincts is the fight or flight response. This is one we commonly experience in day to day situations, however small they may seem. From situations like: being in a crowded room and feeling the urge to run because of overwhelming social anxiety. Or being at the in-laws and they make a rude comment, and you just want to snap back or run out of the house. But you suppress those feelings in order to appear “civilized/normal.” Just some tidbits on human psychology I think about a lot.
But that thing that I mostly think about is how we react in extremely stressful and dangerous situations. One’s in which we perceive are life-threatening. I have been put in a situation where I was nearly fighting for my life, and I remember the wildness I felt. There were no verbal thoughts in my head, nothing I remember being normal. All I could feel was this kind of fear-rage in which I was scared as hell, but also angry because I was scared. I remember the adrenaline and the realization that if I was going to die, I was going to fight with everything I had. Which, looking back, seems kind of strange. Many animals often give up if they realize they’re going to die. But humans don’t. Any kind of hope, any kind of need to fight and survive is all we need to keep going. We rarely just give up.
A ship of imperial soldiers of the Fiuldarian Empire had sighted the Star Chaser. All crew had done their best to push the ship to her point, trying to outrun the imperial flagship. But it was no use. Within a few ticks they had been flown down and anchored. But the soldiers never boarded, which scared Captain Din:ai. She stood in the control room before her holoscreens, staring with fear-blown eyes. The imperial ship never sent a communications, nor did it fire any weapons. She had no idea what was going to happen.
Until something did happen.
From the comm, Equaloi’s high-pitched screams shattered the tense silence. The feathered Unaga’o cried out something in their native tongue before a wet gargle cut his voice. His comm cut off, but not before a strange clicking and growl were heard. All in the room stood still, antenna, fur, and scaly plates twitching with anticipation. All eyes stared up at the Captain, awaiting her orders. Or reassurance. Something. But the tall Diralo stood as still as her crew, three-fingered hands balled tightly.
The comm went off again, making several in the room jump. This time heavy breathing sounded. “I just found Equaloi and Fir’nad.” Alex Risach, the only human among Din:ai’s crew. They sounded unnervingly calm, but there was something off about their voice. “They’re not…alive. And they’re all over the place.” Din’ai drew in a sharp breath, her breathing cavities in her chest whistling lowly. Two dead. But not from soldiers.
Din:ai pressed the receiver. “What do you mean by ‘all over the place’?”
“I mean,” Alex said. “That they are in pieces. Torn apart.” Alex’s next sentence made Din:ai’s blood grow cold. “Imperial soldiers did not do this.” Din:ai remained silent, thinking desperately about what to do. Her long kallocks of experience did not prepare her for this situation. Because as much as she wished to deny it, the last few minutes made it clear what was going on. Something was aboard the Star Chaser. And it was extremely dangerous.
“Risach, listen to me. You must make your way to the control room. Any crew you find must follow these same instructions. Whatever is aboard is extremely dangerous, and must not be approached until we know what it is. Do you copy?” There was silence on the other side. Din:ai grew tenser with every quiet second. “Risach, do you copy?”
A click of the comm. And an alien screeching. Angry words could be heard in a human language, one Din:ai did not recognize as a common tongue. Then a feral scream, one that had the scales along Din:ai’s back arching in terror. Every crew member listened in rapt attention, all trying to imagine what was going on behind the sounds.
Then Alex’s voice screaming above the commotion.
“GET SHIT ON MOTHERFUCKER!” A howling squeal followed. A click as the comm turned off. Another click as it turned back on. “On my way to the control room. I recommend all weapons off safety and for everyone to take cover. This thing is mean and ugly as sin.” Their heavy breathing didn’t hide the deep gruffness in their voice. Din:ai pushed away the observation. She could worry about deciphering human language tones later.
She reached under her command center, grabbing the firearm she had hidden earlier. All other crew in the room followed suit. Din:ai pulled up a hole map of the ship, centering in on Alex’s orange-dotted life signal. And the life signal following them. The label above the beeping red dot read ‘unknown’. Both signals were closing in on the command room’s eastern doorway. The giant Diralo captain signaled to all crew present to aim their weapons at the door.
“Anything non-human coming through that door gets shot, understood?” Nods and chirps of agreement. The room became quiet once more, the atmosphere thick with fear-scent. Then sounds could be heard beyond the door. A strange clicking-screeching drowned out everything. Din:ai jerked when banging sounded on the other side of the door. Alex’s voice muffled through the walls.
“OPEN IT!” Din:ai shouted. Yugi, a derumo juvenile who was closest to the door, hit the controls beside it. The door slide upward, exposing the dim hallway and the blood-covered human behind it. Alex sprinted through, turning to aim their weapon at the open doorway.
Then the creature appeared. All recoiled at the sight. Alex spoke true. It was immensely ugly. It resembled a Terran arachnid, long spindly legs supporting a large, hulking body that stood just above Alex’s height. But that is where similarities ended. It was covered in black chitinous armor, spiked and sharp. A pair of spindly arms with elongated claws sat beneath its head. It’s head swayed low, its mouth shaped like a five pointed star shape, teeth covering every flesh surface. Beady black eyes stared from its skull, reflecting the light beaming down. It screeched and charged toward Alex. The crew opened fire.
The gunfire seemed to stop it for a moment before it grew confident again. Because the barrage of bullets and energy weapons barely dented its thick black armor. The clawed arms beneath its head rose to protect its eyes from the oncoming assault.
The gunfire began to lessen as ammo was lost, and the creature noticed. With its head shielded, it approached through the fire storm. That’s when a cloud of fire billowed over it. It screeched and fell back. Alex stalked forward, their weapon drawn against their shoulder, and let loose another bout of streaming flame. The creature retreated, it’s clicks an incessant stream of fearfulness.
“I am so glad I grabbed my flamethrower instead!” Alex shouted. Many of the crew realized their weapons were not effective against the creature, backing under their respective shelters beneath command boards.
Alex’s weapon sputtered and lost its flame. A curse under their breath and they scrambled to reload. But they weren’t fast enough. The creature sprang forward in the moment of weakness and latched its jaws around Alex’s leg. Alex screamed as the beast tore into flesh, red blood spattering on the white floors. It but down and began dragging Alex away, swinging and throwing them around. Alex screamed and cursed in their human tongue, beating at the creature’s head with their weapon.
The weaponless crew could only watch as their human crew mate battled a seemingly hopeless war. Some had run to the western doors, opening them and running away into the depths of the ship.
Din:ai was of the few that stayed, aiming a nearly empty energy gun at the armored beast. She was horrified watching as Alex was tossed about. But what more surprised her was the continued struggle on Alex’s part. They didn’t stop. They continued to beat down upon the creature’s head, screaming and kicking with their free leg at any exposed hide. Even as more blood was lost they fought back.
And Din:ai felt some of her courage, if not shame, return watching the small human fight. She aimed her gun, locking onto the beast’s one exposed weakness: it’s eyes. The black beady things were covered with it’s strange claws, shielding itself from the onslaught of Alex’s flamethrower. The creature was snarling as it dragged Alex, but Alex was snarling back. Din:ai, waiting for an opening, watched as Alex dug the flamethrower beneath the creatures contorted claws, letting go and tearing at it face with their own hands. Their fingers tore wildly, landing on the creatures jaws, trying to part the cage of flesh and teeth latched to their leg. Alex was able to tear away one of the creature’s jaw flaps and pulling with all their strength, ripped it off. Din:ai’s eyes widened. The creature screamed, and Alex screamed back.
The pain the creature was experiencing caused it to lose focus. It’s claws dropped, exposing its eyes. Din:ai took the shot. The wet, electrical sound of an energy discharge into flesh was heard. The creature stopped screaming. Instead it contorted and struggled. Alex was dropped, rolling away and clutching their leg. The creature continued its death throes for a moment more, then its legs curled together and it slumped to the ground, becoming still.
When Din:ai was sure the creature was dead, she crawled down to Alex. The human was clinging to their leg, clutching the horrific wound still leaking blood. Din:ai leaned over them tearing of her clothing covering her torso. She went to move Alex’s hands, but the deep growl the human made caused her to freeze. Din:ai had never heard such sounds come from humans, nor did she know they could do such things. They sounded as ugly as the creature’s. She stared down at Alex.
“Please remove your hands. We need to stifle the bleeding.” Alex stared up at her with large eyes, the white around the brown irises strangely animalistic. Scared and wild. Their chest was heaving, breath loud and raspy. They growled again, baring their teeth in a ugly grimace, then exhaling and letting their hands drop. Din:ai surveyed the wound before wrapping it. The beast had torn the flesh away from the bone, the off-white color unnatural underneath the red flesh. Bits of skin and meat hung from the wound, held together by the thinnest of muscle sinew. It was terrible.
Din:ai wrapped it, ignoring the red blood collecting on her hands. She instead focused on Alex’s wellbeing. “You are extraordinary.” She said. “I always wondered why you humans are held in such high regard. You should not be alive after that beast had you in its jaws.”
Alex snorted. “I’m from Australia.” They grunted, grimacing in pain. “I’ve seen bigger fuckers than that thing. Dealt with worse than that thing.”
Din:ai did not doubt her colleague’s words.
Wow this was fun. This is the kind of stuff I like to write. Horror-thriller short stories with a little bit of badassery sprinkled in. Thank you again to everyone who bombarded my phone with notifications about how liked my first post was. That was wild. Brought me back to my Wattpad days. If anyone has any suggestions for future story prompts, I may or may not use it. I love writing about how humans can be stupid badasses, it brings in the serotonin. This blog might even become more sci-fi short stories with “humans are space orcs/Australians/insane” prompts. Dunno. lets see what happens.
When Aliens Capture Humans
This is my addition to the Humans are Space Orcs concept, its probably been done before but, this is my version
So despite the odds your troops managed to capture several humans and you need to place them in a holding facility till hostilities have ended, here are a few handy do's and don'ts for dealing with confined humans. Remember all stories about a human's capacity for violence are true and all stories about their capacity for compassion are equally true, and until they effectively demonstrate otherwise, assume your humans are capable of both.
Do: Seize and familiarize yourself with any escape/prison break related entertainment your humans had in their possession at time of capture
DO Not: Dismiss any of it simply because the humans claim it is “Comedy”
Do: Monitor them at all times.
Do Not: Believe them when they claim to understand that you can't tunnel out of an asteroid. Even if they are not lying, boredom causing them to do terrifying things.
Do: Keep the humans together, segregate them from the other species as much as possible, they will still attempt various ill advised escape attempts and other disruptive behaviors, but, if done right this will trigger their deeply ingrained tribal instincts, making them less willing to interact with the other species
Do: Keep particularly competent or charismatic humans grouped together as much as possible. This will allow their frequently contradictory personalities to clash, focusing their destructive energies inward.
Do Not: Allow humans to socialize with your own personnel.
Do Not: Allow the humans to participate in work details or perform tasks that you would normally give to model prisoners. If their legendarily low tolerance to boredom begins to manifest just throw more exercise equipment and mind-rotting entertainment at them.
Do: If the human arrived with some sort of small annoying creature, let them keep it, if they somehow found such a creature after being confined let them keep it. Concern for the creature's safety will often keep them inline better than other threats.
Do Not: Actually harm the creature.
Do Not: Allow other prisoners to harm the creature.
An idea came to mind while I was looking through the "Humans are space orcs" tag.
It starts off as your classic "we kidnapped human/s for our space zoo" thing, but this time, the zoo was specifically made for viewing and visiting earth animals.
At first, the human would react as anyone else would. They'd scream, wail, fight, escape, etc.
But, once human/s see how the animals are treated, they immediately get overprotective of them. Whenever they tried to escape, the search would usually end in them finding the human/s inside a different animal cage.
The aliens confused by this, decide to buy a (very expensive) device that allows them to understand the human/s.
Turns out that the human/s are zoologists and made the aliens realise that they were treating the animals there wrong and that they just wanted to help the poor animals because apparently, the aliens weren't actually doing a great job on taking care of them.
It fucks me up that humans can't actually feel wet
We can feel temperature and texture so we can "feel" if something is wet but we don't have actual humidity receptors
Which explains the phenomenon of handling clothing that's been drying on the line and going "is this wet or just cold I can't tell"
I hate it and it fucks with my head