alykaifeelingsin2019to2023
Days Post 2019-2023
I might start journaling/complaining on a blog again. This is said blog. I have several "Alykai” blogs; this one is not a yearly project tho, we’re just sentimental here.
74 posts
Don't wanna be here? Send us removal request.
Last Seen Blogs
mochisung8
Random kpop thoughts
mariathapar-blog
Maria Thapar
snownsun
☼❆
the-coast-is-safe
THE COAST IS NEAR
Text
Despite my parents best efforts and that it oftentimes isn’t even true, the heuristic I learned over time is that spending time with my mom, dad, and brother—particularly in a family ‘going away trip’ setting, is inherently burdensome and uninteresting to me.
Anywhere we could reasonably go to is uninteresting. We’ve either been there before so there’s nothing new or anything cool I’d want to do, I can’t really do with them. Maybe a sightseeing but all the trouble isn’t worth it. The only activity is food. And I love me a good foodie trip, particularly if not at my expense, and that’s pretty much the saving grace of any of this.
But being stuck with them is not so fun. My dad’s health condition doesn’t make any of this easy, except for how easily he and I butt heads, at his worst he is a reflection of all the things I hate about myself that I’m unwilling to change; the weight that my mom carries makes me feel guilty bc she shouldn’t have to carry it all but I simultaneously don’t want to help carry any of it as the only other option that could help; and Brandon is Brandon, I love him but I don’t want to feel like a babysitter during my leisure. I love them all. I just don’t love traveling with them.
I wish this weren’t the case. Not sure how much of that is in my control to change regardless. Just makes everything harder.
Some would say it’s easier to just not go with them if I feel all this. Those are the folks that don’t factor in the complexity of my love and relationship to my family. Of course I could not go if I had a “good reason” to. I don’t.
Bleh.
0 notes
Text
*edit to my previous post:
I forgot to factor in a whole ass pandemic. But I think my statement remains mostly true. I was much more miserable during the pandemic but that time was just objectively bad for everyone so in the grand scheme of things I was doing okay relatively.
0 notes
Text
my life has objectively not been this low since early 2019. at least I don’t wanna die this time around I guess 🤷🏻♀️
#rip me lol#and I’m holding it all in again too#I am a lost puppy who will help me this time#10.13.2023
0 notes
Text
I want to experience genuine joy again and more often. Maybe it’s unfair to myself to want something that’s so fleeting but I miss it.
0 notes
Text
“Because the possibility of choosing the wrong thing is a greater pain than choosing nothing. … Possibility is the real heartbreaker.”
- Baron Ryan (@americanbaron)
0 notes
Text
It’s been tough learning to not take things so personally and being more independent in my own mood and feelings. “Learning” is a strong term for what I’m enduring lol.
I’ve spent the entirety of my life basing it off of others and it’s pretty tough figuring out how to be my own person. Though I’ve never had a strong sense of self, I’m also quite unwilling to see myself differently than how I have been perceiving myself and how I have been told what I am for my whole life. What are the boundaries between trusting your community and individualism?
How much do you weight and value criticism and outside opinions? What is the point of becoming attuned with your inner voice if time and time again you choose to ignore it for the sake of comfort or convenience?
I miss simplicity but it was only ever simple in hindsight.
0 notes
Text
I have a will to live, so why the fuck am I so miserable
0 notes
Text
I literally don’t know how to process emotional pain so my body just creates physical pain fun
0 notes
Text
it sucks that things hurt the way they do
0 notes
Text
[verse 2]
You say you’re selfish, but I disagree
‘Cuz when you look into my eyes, all I see
Is genuine care and your love for me
And maybe I’m worried that you’ll still leave
Because in moments without us it’s hard to believe
But with each simple message you reassure me
[pre chorus 2]
If you need to take an out, that’s okay
Take your time, take your space
I will be here, I won’t stop loving you anyway
0 notes
Text
Sometimes I think it’s better to be perceived as quiet and shy, rather than loud but uninteresting.
0 notes
Text
When you have a problem you come home
You don't go off and make matters worse on your own
…
For months you lied to us
What did we do
To make you think we wouldn't do anything and everything for you?
When you have a problem, you come home
You don't run off and hide from your family all alone!
“Enough” - Priscilla Lopez (In the Heights OBC)
0 notes
Text
“I could see forever with you being nice.”
“I guess I do love you bc I’m never actually annoyed with your bullshit.”
- Neil (definitely paraphrased and only 84% accurate)
0 notes
Text
People have been disappointed in me all my life but nothing hurts more than seeing the joy on your loved ones’ face disappear bc of something you did.
0 notes
Text
I think it’s a bit irresponsible of me to wish for growth and betterment in the people I see around me when they’re so clearly struggling. I am bad at this exact thing personally. But advice flows out of me like a waterfall I can’t stop, whether it’s warranted or not.
I wholeheartedly believe you can be better! But not me.
0 notes