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techsriduur · 3 years

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♡︎Gone [B.B]

pairing | bucky barnes x wintersoldier!reader

request/prompt | "None of this was real." & “This can't be you. The real you would never do this!"

warnings | hydra, mind control, angst, death, canon level violence, i cried while writing this lmao, google translated Lithuanian, shitty writing bc i finished this @ 1am, lmk if i missed anything

a/n | my requests are open! if you enjoy my writing, it would be greatly apreciated :) [read my rules before requesting!] also help i need to stop writing angst :,(

“alright, we have eyes on target. we’ll keep an eye on him and will update if anything happens.” sam’s voice crackled through buckys earpiece, despite the fact that the man himself stood right next to him. kicking a rock on the ground slightly to the left as the pair stood their ground, bucky looked around at where they currently sat.

Torres had notified sam about a suspected political kidnapping of a US senator while he was on vacation in Lithuania. and of course since bucky happened to be at lunch when sam received the call, he ended up getting involved. “the suspected kidnapper is unknown, so just keep an eye out” Torres’ dispatched as sam and bucky gave each other a certain look; hydra had something to do with this.

so, off they went. the night after next both the boys were sent off to the Lithuanian airport. they took cover almost immediately, trying their hardest to not draw attention to themselves - and as two avengers, that has proven time and time again to be quite the challenge. Sam was focused on the task at hand, looking around, keeping an eye out for the plane that housed the senator.

bucky, however, was in a different plane of consciousness entirely.

as much as he didn’t want to believe it, he knew it was you. he knew you were the only survivor of the winter soldier program - don’t ask him how, he’ll simply respond with a shrug - and therefore, the only pawn hydra had left. and the more he thought about it, the guiltier he felt. he left you there alone. and sure, it was weird for two mindless assets of hydra to be ‘lovers’. he didn’t know which memories of you were actually you, and not a mindless robot hydra used when they felt like it. he wanted to help you like steve had helped him; show you that there was more to life than being a pawn for hydra, and that there were still parts of the old you there - but the more he thought about it, the harder he realised it would be.

“ m’gonna go to the bathroom.” he muttered towards sam, before standing up and bringing himself towards the stairs. the captain simply stared, before asking “are you all good man?” which bucky simply responded to via a nod of the head. as he stepped slowly down the narrow staircase, he thought once more. he knew you knew he was here - a child could have guessed it, it just made sense. he thought about you- whether you would look the same after 11 years, what your hair would look like, and most importantly, if you would remember him.

his thoughts were interrupted as he heard footsteps coming from behind.

immediately being pushed to the ground as soon as his body turned towards the noise, he felt your heavy presence on top of him, holding a delicate knife to his throat. the tips of your hair brushed his face and torso as you looked at him with upset eyes that mainly featured one element; betrayal. you were wearing your usual black ensemble- a thick, kevlar jacket with pockets stretching across your middle. straps covered your chest, undoubtedly attached to your weapon holster. even just looking at what you were wearing brought back long gone memories of his time with you as the winter soldier - he could nearly cry at the sight.

as of right now, he was trying to focus on not dying.

“do you know me?” bucky spoke softly. you could tell he was testing the waters, but you didn’t much care. “james buchanan barnes, the winter soldier. you left me to die.” you stated straight-faced, before pressing the knife into his neck just enough to cause pressure, but not enough to cut skin. bucky tried to lift his hands up to touch you, to tell you how sorry he was and he never should have left you there to rot, but he knew it didn’t mean anything to you anymore. for all you knew, he escaped on his own and didn’t mention it to you or tell you about it at all.

“it wasn’t right.” was all he ended up saying, as he patted your leg assuringly. “not after all we went through.”

you could not believe the absolute fucking garbage coming out of his mouth right now. “none of this-us-” you pointed between you and bucky-“was real.” he just leaves you for 12 years as he goes on and lives a normal life, while you were punished for it. “i have a job to do. don’t get in my way.” the words came out of your mouth laced with venom, as you stood up, getting out of your previous position before kicking bucky in the face; you were never going to be punished because of something he did again.

bucky could hear you running down the hall, as he heard sam speak through his comms. “so, are you just taking an awfully long piss or are you getting beat up?” god, he hated sam sometimes. “kidnapper is a 24-ish looking woman wearing a black strapped jacket. you’ll know her when you see her” he responded simply and quickly, ignoring sam’s continuous complaints and questions about what the hell was going on, he ran after you. as his feet hit the soft tile covering the floor, he heard a scream, as people began flying towards the soldier.

peering through the crowd, he saw you, holding a gun to the senators head as sam stood in front of you. “NEPRIARTĖK! AŠ JĮ NUŠAUSIU!” (DO NOT COME CLOSER! I WILL SHOOT!) you screamed, as bucky walked towards you, motioning sam to walk back. “i know you dont want to do this. fuck, y/n, please don’t make me do this.” bucky pleaded, ignoring the confused look in sams eyes. you simply looked at him with dead orbs, as you shot the senator in the back of the head.

the two of you were now covered in his blood, and bucky knew what he had to do.

launching himself towards you, grabbing one of your arms as he twisted it behind your back. sam was quick to fly over and try to help, as he too held you down. you however quickly kicked sam off, and weaseled your way out of bucky’s arms. grabbing your smallest - yet deadliest - knife out of its holster, you skilfully swung it towards bucky, throwing it up in the air only to catch it in your other hand and stab him in the right thigh, just as he got a good punch in. doing his best to try and pin your arms up without hurting you too bad was proving difficult, but when you messed up slightly and picked up your blade too late, before you knew it, he had your hands pinned behind you with one hand as his other laid on your chest, trying to keep you down.

“This can't be you.” the boy began to cry softly, “The real you would never do this!" he screamed as he pushed you further into the ground. “you know barnes,” you began, as you giggled hysterically and said something that made him sick to his stomach; “you promised you’d protect me. keep me safe, all that bullshit.” you said, tears beginning to stream down your eyes. “i dont wanna do this anymore. but you escaping made it so i never could.” the words came out barely above a whisper, before the tag in your neck began to beep, panicking an already shaken bucky.

“i loved you, barnes. i’m sorry.”

before he knew it, a spike poked through from one side of your neck to the other, as fear washed over your eyes. “no no no no…” he muttered, before clutching you closer one last time.

and he had lost you; all over again.

#Spotify #bucky barnes #bucky barnes fanfiction #bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes x y/n #bucky barnes x you #bucky x reader #mcu x reader #winter soldier x reader #the winter soldier #the winter solider x reader #winter soldier x you

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theyneedtobangstahp · 4 years

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Stray kids reaction to you falling asleep on them

First reaction and request !!!

Requested by @taeyongsweave :>

Genre:Fluff !

I got the gifs from pinterest so credits to the owners !! I kinda didn’t proofread ? I’m sorry if there spelling errors :<

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

` C H A N ▪

Staying up until 3 am to finish homework while having a date the next morning with Chan was a bad idea. You wanted to finish the homework as soon as possible so you won't be stressing out while on the said date with Chan, so you pulled an all nighter just to finish it. What are you doing for a date? Oh you know just gonna watch the sunrise on the beach, and running on at least an hour of sleep before you two go was kind of a bad idea. You tried staying awake during the car ride there, listening to upbeat music, ordering coffee, and talking to Chan about everything so you won't get sleepy. But that 1 hour of sleep was really taking its toll on you.

"Baby? Are you okay? Are you sure you don't want to take a nap? We still have like 50 mins until we reach the beach, you can get some shut eye while we're still far." He says while gently squeezing your thighs.

"No, its fine. I wanna stay awake so you have company baby." You say as you take a sip of your coffee. "Okay baby if you insist. But when you really can't help it just sleep okay? I'll wake you up when we get there."

50 minutes went by and you guys arrive at the beach, not a lot of people are there to watch the sunrise so it was great for you both. Chan puts the blanket on the ground and you both sit together. You put your head on his shoulder and get comfortable while he rests his hand on your waist, drawing patterns absentmindedly while you both were staring into the ocean. "It's really peaceful here." You state as you hear the ocean waves and birds chirping. "Yeah, especially when you're here." He says while kissing the top of your head. You smile at this and you both enjoy the comfortable silence while waiting for the sunrise.

Minutes passed and Chan could see a little bit of orange peeking out from the horizon. "Babe look." He states while stealing a glance at you. But he notices your eyes closed and your soft breathing prominent against your chest. He chuckles at this, he told you to sleep while you guys were in the car, and yet you didn't listen. But Chan loved you very much so he decided not to wake you up, instead, he pulled you closer to him, kissed the top of your head and made sure you were comfortable, took out his phone to remember the moment and made it his lockscreen. All while thinking how you were so cute while you were sleeping and having the yellows and oranges of light paint your face, did he truly thank you for choosing him and not someone else. Chan truly loved you with all of his heart.

` M I N H O ▪

After a long day of school, all you wanted to do when you got home was crash on your bed and sleep the whole weekend. That was the plan. So when you got home, you didn’t expect Minho on the couch (which he kinda made into a fort that looks really comfy) with pizza on the table with your favorite drink and a movie ready to be played.

“You’re home!” He says while standing up and hugging you, his (now yours also) 3 cats also welcoming you home. You hug him back and nuzzle your face in his neck. “I’m so tired.”

“I know baby, thats why I made this. Now go upstairs and change into your pajamas, we’re gonna relax all weekend, we deserved it.” He pecks your lips and gently pushes you into your room to change. 5 minutes later and you guys are cuddled up on the fort he made, with Soon-ie, Doong-ie, and Dori also snuggled up next to you guys. You put you head on Minho’s chest and he starts patting your head. Both of you watch the movie, but halfway through it you feel your eyelids drooping and you really wanted to fight it because times like this with Minho were kinda rare because of both your busy schedules. But you can’t help it, everything was just so relaxing and comfortable, and before you knew it you were asleep. Minho kinda didn’t notice at first because he was so immersed in the film but when he asked you a question and didn’t get an answer he glanced at you and noticed you were fast asleep. He just kinda looks at you, not in a weird way, in a wow-I-really-love-you-and-I-kinda-maybe-wanna-spend-my-life-with-you kinda look. You just looked so adorable and soft, and his heart was melting more when Dori cuddled up to you from behind. He can get used to this, days where you guys were just relaxing with the cats, like a family.

` C H A N G B I N ▪

Changbin and you were only on the first stages of your relationship. You guys haven’t even had your first kiss yet. You both were just really shy because you liked each other so much, and God forbid if he saw you sleeping. Nope, you weren’t letting him see you sleep. It’s cause you had this habit of opening your mouth when you sleep, and for you it was not flattering, especially when you drool, for you it was your least favorite part about your sleeping habits. Why can’t everyone just sleep cutely? Like the ones in the movies. So when Changbin invited you over to the dorms and you stayed there until 1am, he insisted you stayed the night.

“No, It’s fine Binnie, I can walk myself home, it’s not that far.”

“What kind of a boyfriend would I be if I let my baby walk alone at this time of night? Come on babe just stay, please?” He says while giving you a cute pout. Who can resist his pout? No one. “Okay fine, but I need to borrow some clothes, I didn’t pack any. Also no funny business okay.”

“I promise. I respect you so much that no funny business will happen without your consent, okay ?” He leads you to his room, which he shares with the other boys, kinda uncomfortable because a handful of the boys will see your sleeping face, but you can just sleep facing the wall and hope that you won’t move as much through the night. You change into changbins sweats and tshirt, which was really big on you but he insisted that it looked just fine. Okay now you guys were kinda facing the ceiling, yes, both of you were. As I said you both were on your first months of dating so cuddling or even sharing a bed was very new to the both of you guys.

“Uhm.. Are you comfortable?” He asks. “Kinda? I think I’m gonna sleep on my side so I can get comfortable. Goodnight Binnie.” You say and kiss his cheek, turning to your left side.

“Oof, Changbin won’t get cuddles tonight, I owe Seungmin money now.” Minho states as he looks over at both of you. “Shut it.” Changbin says giving Minho a glare. Minho puts his hands up and faces the other side. You chuckle at this and internally apologize to Changbin.

Next morning rolls by and Changbin can’t feel his left arm. He was confused as to why, but when he saw you next to him and hugging his torso, while your mouth was open, looking like a literal angel to Changbin, he didn’t mind too much. He lets you sleep a few more minutes, just admiring your beauty and being thankful that he convinced you to stay the night.

“Awww, why you gotta cuddle? Now I owe Minho hyung money.” Seungmin says as he peeks inside the room. “Quiet, Y/N is still sleeping.” Seungmin glances at you and laughs a little. “Are you sure she’s asleep? Kinda looks a little dead to me.” Changbin Chucks a pillow at his face which makes him leave the room. “Don’t listen to him baby, you look really cute right now while you’re sleeping.” He says while moving away stray hairs that was covering your face. As if you could hear him, you smile while you were sleeping and Changbin could feel his heart beat ten times faster because of you.

` H Y U N J I N ▪

Sitting on the dance studio's couch at 1 am wearing Hyunjins oversized sweater and shorts was not what you expected your friday night would be. Hyunjin called you over at midnight asking you to come and keep him company while he practiced the new choreo that was taught. You being crazy, agreed and went to where he was.

An hour passed of him doing the same move, you got worried. You knew that when Hyunjin over exerted himself he would get sick. And you didn't want him sick. He was extra clingy ang whiny when he got sick. Not that you minded, it was just you didn't get to finish anything when he was sick cause he will trap you in his arms the whole day.

"Hyunjin I think you should rest. You've been doing that move for over an hour. You're going to get sick if you don't rest and drink water." You say while already holding his bottle of water. He looks at you and sees just how small you looked wearing his sweater. He can't just say no when it comes to you.

"Okay-" He stops the music and walks over to you. "-just for 15 minutes though. I really need to get this one right." He sits next to you and gets the water bottle that you were handing to him. Giving you a peck on the cheek as a thank you. You rest your head back and close your eyes.

"Wake me up in 15 minutes okay? If I hear the music playing again or hear your sneakers I will drag you out of here and take you home." You say to him.

"Ooh, my baby is feisty tonight." He jokingly says. "Okay y/n I'll wake you up in 15 minutes. But I think you'll get a stiff neck if you sleep like that. Why don't you put your head on my lap? So that you're comfortable and it ensures that I stay here?"

"Nice thinking babe." You say as you put your head on his lap. He pats your head to help you fall asleep faster. "Oh when we get home you need to shower right away okay? We can't risk you getting sick." You say and shiver a little because of your exposed legs.

Hyunjin notices this and reaches inside his bag. Pulling out a jacket, he unzips it and puts it on your legs.

"Okay baby, will do." He continues patting your head, and soon enough he can hear your light snores and the subtle twitching of your fingers. Small habits that you have when you sleep. You looked so cute like this. Although Hyunjin was kind of sorry because he asked you to go to the studio at midnight.

"I can't believe you went here wearing shorts. What if some creep saw you? I won't be there to protect you." He frowns at this. "I'm sorry Y/N. Next time I'll just go home and cuddle you where you can sleep comfortably." He admires you for a couple of minutes, not realizing that his head was slowly leaning back and his eyes closing. The day of dancing was finally gaining up to him. Next thing you guys knew, it was already morning and Hyunjin was was hot to the touch.

"You didn't get to shower! Now you're sick!" You say to him.

"Hehe, I'm sorry baby." He says innocently smiling at you.

`J I S U N G ▪

Jisung was on the bed on his phone, playing with the other boys. While you on the other hand was drowning yourself in homework for the past 2 hours. Jisung actually came home 30 minutes ago and kissed your cheek then played on his phone. He knew not to disturb you so much when you were doing your homework because when you got motivated to do your work, you don’t take a break, because if you take a break, you will procrastinate the whole day so you just hope to finish your work before 5pm so you have time to cuddle your boyfriend. 30 minutes later you close your book very loudly and practically throw yourself on Jisung who was still playing on his phone.

“Boyfriend I now acquire attention.” You say as you cuddle his chest with his arms around you so he can still continue playing the racing game. “Wait baby one more round with the boys and I’m all yours.” minutes passed and you felt your eyelids get heavy. All the hours of being slouched on your desk answering the homework really got to you. You snuggle closer to Jisung, your face squeezed on the crook of his neck. You give him a peck there before closing your eyes.

Jisung closes his phone and puts it on the bedside table. He bear hugs you and kisses your crown. “Should I wake you up? Nah you look cute right now, I can’t wake you up now.” He says in a baby voice to your sleeping form. “I can like scream right now and wake you up? A fun way to wake someone up, don’t you think baby?” Jisung was a weirdo. He moved you a little so he can entangle your legs together. He puts the blanket up to your chin to ensure that you won’t get cold and hugs you closer.

“I can’t do that to you baby. You look so cute when you sleep I can’t possibly ruin it by screaming into your ears. I love you so much sweet dreams sweetheart.” He says as he places a last kiss on your head and drifts of to sleep with you.

` F E L I X ▪

Being bestfriends with Felix was very tiring, in a good way. He was always hyper and a living meme. Everytime you were with him was like being with a 6 year old with a sugar rush all day. But thats why you loved him. Yep, you loved him, you don’t know when it started, maybe it was when he brought you to your favorite cafe when you got a bad score to cheer you up, or when he smiles at you and waves when he sees you in the distance, or maybe when he does this dance when he wins a game and he sometimes asks you to join him dance. Maybe it was all of it. So when Felix texted you that he was coming over you started preparing when he was gonna come to your house. Preparing by putting on lip tint and washing your face to look a tad bit presentable.

“Woah, are you wearing lip tint? You never wear lip tint at home though?” He asks as he takes off his shoes by the door. “I was having a little selfie session before you came?” You said, well by the way you said it, it kinda sounded like a question. “Really? Send them to me, I need a new homescreen.” You stop at this. “I’m your homescreen?”

“Well, yeah, who else would be my homescreen? I saw your phone, and I was your homescreen so it’s normal right?” Ouch yeah, it is normal, you both were bestfriends for so long that this was normal for you guys. “I mean, sure, I’ll send them to you.”

You both go to your room and he jumps on your bed. “So what do wanna do?” He asks. “Weren’t you the one that invited yourself? I thought you had a plan?” He shrugs at this. “I’m just winging everything at this point Y/N, mostly with maths, yeah that one, I’m really winging that one.” You laugh at this. “Want me to teach you?”

“Aren’t you also kinda failing math?” “Look lets just watch a tutorial or something so we both learn.” You say as you get your laptop and put it at the end of the bed. “But thats boring, I came here to spend time with you, not learn.” You pass him your notes and put your head on his lap. “Look, I’m not failing math, I’m good at it, average at best, but you. All I can say is you need this more than I do Lix. So just watch one episode and I’ll just be here monitoring your work.” You say as you pick a lesson that you previously had at school. “And why is your head is on my lap?” He asks. “Cause it’s comfy, now go and learn!” You say as you play the video. Felix seems to be immersed and learning things cause he was writing stuff on your notes and answering the questions the video asks. Kinda boring now because you didn’t expect Felix to actually answer them. So you decide to take a nap while he was preoccupied.

“Hey if x is equal to 82 then the answer would be-” He glances at you and sees that you were asleep. He stops the video and puts the notebook down. “What are you doing to me Y/N?” He asks himself in particular. Felix had this crush on you, and he definitely knows when it started. He didn’t really know if you also had feelings for him, he doesn’t wanna do something that can make things awkward so he just keeps his mouth shut. But while you were looking so cute sleeping on his lap, he just can’t help but take a picture. So he does, he takes a picture of the mirror on the front of your bed and puts a hand on your head. “Cute” He says as he makes it his lockscreen photo, saving the homescreen for the selfies you were gonna send him later. Maybe one day he’ll confess, but while he doesn’t have the courage yet, he’ll just admire you from the sides.

` S E U N G M I N ▪

You and Seungmin woke up extra early today because he invited you over for a beach day with the boys. When you guys arrived, they were all ready to jump in the water, but you being the mom in your friend group stopped them.

"Guys! You haven't put on sunscreen yet!" You say as you wave the sunscreen up. They all stop halfway through and runs back to you. You laugh at them of how cute they look right now. Once they were done they bolted back into the water.

The boys left you with Seungmin. "I'll help you set up babe." He says while grabbing an umbrella from you.

"No! I'll set up while you-" You take the umbrella from his hands. "-have fun with the boys. This is rare that you guys get to have a rest day, and let alone do it on the beach. So you leave this to me and you go have fun with the boys." You say while pushing him near the ocean.

"But-"

"No buts! Now go have fun!" You turn away from him covering your ears to show that whatever he says will not make you change your mind. He smiles at you, even though you weren't looking at him, then runs over to where the boys were, joining in on the fun.

The day consisted of you taking care of the boys. Making sure everyone ate well and applied sunscreen again before going in the water. After lunch, Seungmin came up to you, all wet because of the ocean.

"Come on Y/N join us!" He says while trying to get you up from your sitting position on the blanket.

"I'll stay here Seung. No one will look after our belongings if I join you guys so I'll just stay." You say trying to convince him.

"Chan is gonna rest for a while, he can watch our things while he rests and you can join us. Come on we haven't even taken photos yet." He says pouting at you. How can you resist the pout? You agree and he takes your hand in his and runs to the water.

You guys have fun splashing around all day. When it was time to leave, everyone was exhausted. The drive home was silent, apart from the calm music that was playing on the speakers. You and Seungmin were at the back, your head on his shoulders and his head leaning on yours.

"Thanks for inviting me Seung, I had a really fun day." You say while closing your eyes. The tiring day taking its toll on you.

"I'm glad you had fun babe. But all you did was look after us. I really appreciate that babe, but I feel bad that you only got to enjoy the beach for a few hours. You set up everything and even grilled for us! I'm really thank-" He stops mid sentence cause he notices how your head was hanging lower and lower from the bumps that you guys were passing by. He holds your head and sighs. You probably were very tired from all the things you did the whole day.

He felt guilty, but when he looked at the photos you guys took, he saw how your eyes were sparkling while splashing him with water, and how your smile was so big when you guys managed to bury Chan in the sand. He smiles and holds your hand, whispering something to you even though he knows you can’t hear him.

"I love you very much."

` J E O N G I N ▪

Jeonginie, sweet baby uwu.

So you and Jeongin were really good friends. Both of you became close because some of your friends were friends with his friends. So you guys kinda had this big ass group that did everything together. Hence the weekly movie night at one of your friends place. You guys squeezed next to each other, feeling awkward cause you both weren’t used to being this close. Everyone was immersed in the film, except Jeongin. The poor boy couldn’t think straight with how close you were to each other. The only thing running through his head was “Oh my God, oh my God, can they feel my heart beating so fast? Am I too tense? What if they think I’m weird that I’m just sitting here? Of course you’re just gonna sit Jeongin you’re watching a movie.” He continues to have thoughts like this running through his head, not thinking about the facial expressions he was showing.

“Are you okay Innie?” What were you doing to him? When you said his nickname he felt like his heart was gonna combust. “O-oh? Y-yeah I’m good.” He says while sitting straighter than before. “If you say so.” You say and face the tv. You subconsciously put your head on his shoulder and I kid you not, he almost malfunctions. He was so red and he was shifting so much that you thought he wasn’t comfortable, so you took your head off of his shoulder. “Sorry I made you uncomfortable.”

“No it’s nothing like that y/n. It’s just.. Look it’s fine if you do it I don’t mind.” He awkwardly reaches for your head and puts it on his shoulder. You get comfortable and Jeongin is still kinda tense but you don’t mind. 10 minutes later he feels your head was slowly slipping from his shoulder, he gently holds your head and adjust his seat so your head can comfortably rest on his shoulder while you were sleeping.

He looks around to see if any of your friends notice what was going on and breathes out when he sees that everyone was still watching and paying no mind to both of you. He gently caresses your hair and appreciates how peaceful you look right now. Damn, he was whipped for you and for you only. He doesn’t notice it, but he eventually falls asleep too. You both wake up when hushed whispers and the sound of clicking is heard around you. Not to mention a flash that was so strong it almost blinded you by how close it was to your face.

“Jisung! We told you to take the flash off!” You hear one of your friends whisper. “I’m sorry I thought I had it off!” Jisung says. You open your eyes and the sight that greets you is your friends and their phones close to your face.

“What are you guys doing?” You say as you rub your eyes. “You and Jeongin just looked so cute while sleeping we needed to take pictures.” She shoves her phone to your face and you have to admit, you guys do look cute together.

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notsodailycake · 2 years

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So like last night was shit-

I was already close to a breakdown, my shoulders were hurting, i was feeling sick, i woke up crying bc my mom got mad for something i didn't do (she was on her period and apologised for it later, she usually isn't mad and doesn't fight alot) and all that was good was drawing the comic to distract myself from whatever shit was happening, but even that was hard bc of my shoulders

And as i was about to sleep, to let the day go, i realised i lost the box to charge my earbuds....i listen to muisc to go to sleep, and put it to charge when i wake up, i got maaad and couldn't sleep, i cried i almost screamed, kicked my pillows, vented on my insta stories, that was my breaking point

And funny thing is, i was this 🤏 close to writing down a fic about vaness from my au about this breakdown, obviously for like different story related issues, but like i didn't remember what a breakdown felt like, so experiencing that helped me be able to work around writing something for her, ofc i got to tired for that bc of the crying and didn't, but i was close, i wrote down the beginning before deleting everything and crying more

And a final note here as well, yall ever get so mad that whatever fear you have just, dissappears??? Well i sure did, cuz as much as i was sad last night i was pisssed bc so much happened in a day i was supposed to relax 😭🤚

I have a bit of fear of the dark, and it has only gotten worse these past few days, and while looking for the box, the house was dark (it was 1am) and i had to keep turning the lights on as my heart raced each time i went to the livingroom, but the moment i decided to actually sleep with some comforting muisc, the headphones decided to die on me, and i just, i was fuming and got up from bed and went to look for the stupid box again, and i knew the box had a little light, meaning it would glow a tiny bit, so i turned off all the lights to find it, not giving a fuck for any demons lurking around

It took maybe 5 minutes for my fear to creep back up, but goddamn that was probably the most funny part out of everything

Now why am i telling yall this? Bc i know for a fact Gregory has somehwhat of a fear of the dark, and me also having fear of the dark, knows how it is, so I'm most definitely adding this experience to the story at some point :)

Oh and, yeah i got the box back, i told my mom about it when i woke up she offered to help (a bit upset i didn't come to her during the night) and she found it lol

#rant #will probably do a small comic for this #hopefully #i have something funny in mind #look i cope i wanna with my breakdowns #and i will do that by making my comfort characters go through the same #and i bet yall wilm find the scenario with Gregory funny #i sure did XD #fnaf #fnaf security breach #fnaf sb #security breach #fnaf gregory #fnaf vanessa #cake talks

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samwritesforyou · 4 years

Text

We’re gonna be okay

Diego x reader

Summary: You and Diego worked out a system for a situation if he ever comes to your place while being in the highest form of distress and needs your help. He assured you it won’t happen often. Until one night, it finally did.

A/N: i feel like i’ve read the whole tumblr dot com worth of diego x reader fanfics and yet i still wanted more, so the desperate need to finally write something myself has been fulfilled. i would actually love to take requests, so if you want, dont hesitate to message/ask me! im ready to write fics and headcanons :) (my blog might seem new but ive been on tumblr for years and years and i finally dedicated a new blog to mostly reader inserts, either my own or reblogging others)

Warnings: Mentions of a panic attack, gender neutral reader

Wordcount: 3,350

There was a knock on the door.

It was pretty late, but not too late for it to be Diego yet.

Or so you thought.

You got up kinda lazily from a comfortable chair you had situated in the corner of a room, at first designed mainly for reading or napping, but ending up doing absolutely whatever you could on the spot. Eating pizza, watching netflix, browsing through the internet after long working hours that you put in into your tiny art selling business.

You slightly opened the door and already plastered a semi-fake smile for a possible neighbor, but in front of you stood Diego.

Your dear friend, who was at the moment soaked from the rain outside, with big eyes, fast breathing and bloody hands.

Bloody hands?!

“Hello to you too, friend!” you said quite worried, quickly patting him down for signs of any physical pain. For the first time in a while he seemed fine, unscarred.

Your eyes finally went up, literally scanning his face but it was completely unreadable.

His eyes were wide and he looked as if he couldn’t comprehend what was going on around him.

You looked down again and took his fists into your hands. His own palms unclenched and you could see that they were heavily bloodied.

“Diego.. whose blood is it?”

No answer.

You rushed him inside and closed the door behind the two of you, facing the damn vigilante again.

“Diego, I need to know who’s blood is on your hands,” your voice grew steadier as you knitted your brows together in worry and confusion.

Only then the guy decided to move his arms and you noticed how shaky he is. He connected his two index fingers in the form of a cross, pressing it to his chest.

Your own eyes went wide now as you stumbled back a few steps and your mind went blank.

You instantly remembered a night that happened a few years back. He has come in crumbling through your window and was obviously in some new form of distress, that you couldn’t quite understand yet.

“Diego?” it seemed like your voice didn’t reach his ears, so you tried calling out his name again, getting up from the couch and patting him lightly on the body, to determine any sign of an injury.

It looked like there was none, so you tried to reach his gaze that was somewhat absentminded, all over the place, scanning everything but not meeting your eyes.

He was a tough guy, and you knew it. You knew that if you want to get answers, you need to either get them yourself or make yourself heard, until he cannot ignore you any longer.

“Diego Hargreeves, what is going on?” your voice was soft yet determined.

His dark orbs finally stopped on your face and he just shook his head, his breathing oddly fast for a man who was just simply standing.

You continued to push. You didn’t have the best day either, and to be interrupted at 1am by his visit was nothing new, but you couldn’t let him have this behaviour. Even though you’re friends, that didn’t automatically mean that he could do whatever he wanted.

Throughout the whole night he didn’t say a thing, but when you started adding volume to your voice, he.. he just broke down.

That night, you’ve witnessed Diego experience a panic attack. Caused by yourself.

You couldn’t fall asleep that night, even after you eventually calmed him down and the only thing that was left to do for you was to watch him sleep and slowly rubbing circles on his exposed arm out of the blanket.

It felt like neons before you noticed a first ray of sunshine drawing from the half-closed curtains, making you spring to your feet and drag your ass to the kitchen, trying to think of what to do for breakfast.

When you figured the recipe out and finished cooking, Diego was already up and joined you near the kitchen counter, next to which you had two stools.

He settled on one of them, looking at you.

“Hey.”

“Hey,” you couldn’t muster anything better, so you just put a plate in front of him and then sat next to his side, simply digging into your portion of scrambled eggs.

“About last night, y/n..” he drifted off, probably at first deciding that it’s better to fill his stomach a little bit.

In the meantime you didn’t dare to speak up and just waited for him to say something, anything.

When he finished his meal, he finally turned to you with a sigh.

“You know that one guy I told you ‘bout? That we.. we do some vigilante shit together from time to time?”

You just nodded, not meeting his eyes.

“Well. I guess I could count him as a close friend. You know.. and,” this was followed by a slight pause and clearing of the throat.

“He died yesterday. I couldn’t save him.”

Your eyes immediately shot up to Diego and all that vulnerability and hurt that you’ve clearly seen yesterday just overtaking him were completely gone. Now present only a strong facade that he mastered whenever he needed to hide from showing emotions. You hated it.

“Shit, Diego..” you spoke quietly and softly, all the words seemed to have left you in all the things unsaid in your throat. But you tried to continue.

“I’m sorry. And I’m also sorry for pushing you over the edge. I.. I didn’t know what happened so I just acted how we would normally do,” he smirked at that, merely for a second, but you still caught it.

“Look, I.. I know, “ he simply said and then it felt as if he was weighting pros and cons of telling you something else that was clearly on his chest.

“You always help me out. Every single night I come to you.. Why do you do it, y/n?” Diego’s eyes were steadily turned your way.

At the sudden question you raised an eyebrow, “well, I.. I care about you.”

He lightly bit his lower lip and turned his gaze away, clearly thinking about something really hard.

“Okay,” he finally said, “y/n, do you think I could ask you for a favour then?”

At that your eyes met and you felt nervous, for some reason.

You really liked him. Not just like a friend. But you understood that there probably won’t be a chance for you two to ever become a couple (mostly considering that you didn’t believe that he could feel about you this way), so you settled for friendship anyways, since you two really got along well.

And having this handsome tough guy as a friend? Damn, just that is already some kind of luck swinging your way.

But your feelings of course meant that.. you’d do more for him than what you’d do just for a friend. You would get out of your comfort zone just to help him with injuries or hear him talk about his girlfriend (at the time, now they were broken up) and how they argued so much that he ended up on the streets and didn’t really want to go to his lonely place at the gym.

And you took him in. You always did. And since the day you became friends you always care for him.

And you’d care now once again.

“What is it?” in your tone danced a question, troubled with what he might ask for.

“Well, yesterday-“ he cut himself from finishing and cleared his throat, starting over.

“I imagine we’re gonna be friends for a long time, right?”

You just pushed your brows up with a small nod in affirmation.

“I never had.. anyone, really, to help me with the states I often got into,” you immediately thought of Eudora, wasn’t his ex-girlfriend supposed to be his support pillar? Or is he just making you feel sorry for him-

“Or I didn’t ever trust anyone that much, you know,” oh, okay, that kind of explains that then.

“And I guess.. I trust you enough? To share this?” he talked quietly and mumbled a lot so you realised soon you won’t be able to hear him at all.

You grabbed his hands with yours and caught his attention this way.

You were never really touchy together, but occasional hugs and even holding hands was kind of a standard for you from time to time.

His eyes met yours again and you cursed yourself for your heartbeat getting faster. This is not an appropriate moment to get butterflies in your stomach, dammit.

“I’m listening, Diego,” you confirmed, nodding again.

“Okay. It’s- it’s just really h-hard to talk about this,” he stuttered a bit, but with the next breath continued again, “When there’s some situation that’s just completely fucked up, like losing someone close to me, or- or somethin’ else, I don’t know.. I finish what I need at the scene where it happened but when I come home I just,” he breathed some air in and you felt his hands squeeze yours a bit tighter, “I just break down, you know? Sometimes it’s just all too much for me and I don’t know how to deal with it and I would just wanna.. someone to hold me, I guess? Otherwise when someone’s trying to talk at me or somethin’ I just get even more worked up and it’s even worse.”

It all started to come together in your mind. Even though it sounded really strange to hear Diego talk about things like.. wanting to be held and shit. But you always guessed there’s a far bigger sweetheart and a soft boy underneath all those harness and knives.

You tried to pick your words carefully.

“So when I started to ask you shit.. You just flipped. Basically because I was talking at you a lot and you couldn’t take it anymore, right?”

He sighed and looked somewhere up, nodding bit by bit.

“Yeah, yep. That was it.”

You clapped at his hands lightly, to bring his focus back again and he looked at you and mustered a sad, faint smile.

You did the same. In the world you lived in, unforeseen and unfortunate events were happening left and right and thinking about his childhood and everything.. no wonders he developed such a huge reaction and coping mechanism to something catastrophic happening.

“That’s okay, Diego. I’m here for you, I mean it. Let’s just talk about some things what I should and shouldn’t do when you come here in that state, alright? I just want you to feel comfortable.”

“Alright. Thank you, y/n,” he was looking down now, the whole morning kinda failing to meet your gaze and just rubbed his thumb across your hand, which send you heart into a race again.

You slowly let go of him, making an excuse to go wash the dishes.

After a while you looked behind you where he sat and said, “We also need some sort of a sign that you can easily show me, since you’re not really talkative when you get like this.”

Apparently he already used said “sign” somewhere, because he had it on the ready.

It was his hands clutching in fists, index fingers crossing each other in a form of a cross, pressed to his chest.

“Something like this. But don’t worry, I don’t think it’ll happen often. That would be really sad,” he laughed a little and then looked at you somewhat longingly and you averted your eyes back to the sink, nodding.

You almost forgot about that and now it all come flooding back.

Something terrible must’ve happened. You were panicking, but you had to stay strong, for him.

He was still standing in your hallway, with a crossed index fingers pressed to his chest.

“Okay, okay..” you mumbled more to yourself than to him, taking his hands into yours and looking him up and down.

He really seemed.. disconnected. It was kind of scary and you tried so hard not to think about what happened. Or about who died.

“Here, come with me, Diego,” you led him by the hand towards your couch as he was holding onto you, but his usual grip was gone.

You both ended up on a sofa and you really didn’t know how to act around him now, because.. he didn’t talk, didn’t look at you but when he did, his eyes were wide and big and he just seemed suddenly like a small boy to you.

Hopefully he won’t remember this tomorrow, you thought and tried to smile a little bit at him.

“Okay. Can you get your hands up for me, baby boy?” You’ve decided to approach this situation as if you were just babysitting an overgrown child.

Because nothing bad happens to children normally, right? And if you kept thinking about him as usual grown man Diego, you’d lose your mind in the process, wanting to scream and shake him by the shoulders until he spills you what happened.

Being Diego’s friend pushed you to new limits each day, truly.

He didn’t bat an eyelid at your tone change and word choosing, just obliging and putting his hands up.

You helped him to get his knives down and put his black turtleneck over his head, so now he sat shirtless right next to you, hands still smeared with blood.

Goddamit the blood!

You took him by the elbows and lead Diego to the bathroom, where you helped to get the red out of his hands. At the sight of blood dripping down into the sink you deciphered a whimper from him, even through the sound of running water and looked up.

Diego couldn’t stop looking down at his hands and tears were running down his cheeks.

You quickly took his face into your wet hands from the water and forced him to look away and lock his gaze with yours.

“Hey, don’t look at it, okay? It’ll only make you stressed. Until I’m done you can just close you eyes, okay?”

“Oh-okay,” he said and just closed his eyes here and there.

You sighed and tried to finish washing his hands as fast as possible, cursing under your breath pretty often.

“I’m sorry..” you heard him mumble and when you looked up, his eyes were still shut.

“Nothin’ to be sorry about.. We’ll talk about this tomorrow, right? Don’t worry. You’re safe now,” you smiled as you were already wrapping his hands in a towel and his eyelashes fluttered, eyes opening.

You stayed looking at each other for a second longer than necessary, but then you already lead him away to the bedroom area, where you actually tucked him in, wrapping in a soft blanket and then rushed to the kitchen, grabbing a few cookies and then leaving it on a plate next to him on the night table.

You almost made yourself comfortable on the couch, when he suddenly called out your name from the bed.

You sprung to your feet, thinking he’s actually hurt but you didn’t notice or that- “Can you... stay with me? P-please?” he asked, disrupting your train of thought. You did expect this, but still felt really shy about that.

Diego is vulnerable right now and does need your help and presence though.

And there wouldn’t be anything you wouldn’t do for him.

“Sure,” and after this simple answer you carefully climbed in next to him covering you both with a blanket and he curled up closer to you, almost immediately falling asleep.

From one point of view it felt like you wouldn’t sleep at all tonight, but from the other one.. you actually fell asleep just as fast as he did.

To nobody’s surprise you woke up first and actually flinched at the sight of sleeping Diego inches from your own face.

Your mind went running with ideas what happened and what’s going on until you realised the real deal and your brain caught up to yesterday’s shenanigans.

It was a wild ride and you were thankful that now it’s - most probably - over.

Your eyes were subconsciously scanning his face, until you realised what you’re doing, but you didn’t stop even then.

You’ve never been this close to his face yet and now you could admire and explore every part of it.

Having feelings for a friend that’s laying in the same bed with you at the moment is really not the healthiest thing that could’ve happened to you, huh..

You actually froze and your heart started racing billion times faster when you realised that you have a weight of his arm around your waist, pulling you closer from his sleep.

He grunted and his nose was now in your hair, shuffling a little to get more comfortable.

You had no idea how to change positions, especially when being held by such a strong arm as his and you got a feeling like Diego might actually wake up just about now, so the best solution that came into your mind was to forcefully close your eyes shut and pretend that you’re still sleeping.

He did, indeed, wake up. You were suddenly pushed to the other side of the bed, arm disappearing from your waist and a waterfall of curses fell from his lips quietly.

You used up all your acting stamina to make a believable scene of you gaining your conscious from the deep slumber that you were obviously in, stretched your arms for a good effect and finally opened your eyes.

You immediately signed up for a staring contest as soon as you looked at him and smiled a little. His face remained unreadable but perhaps a little bit flustered?.. But you may be reading too much into it.

“Hi,” you said with a higher tone than intended and Diego just nodded at that.

You tried your luck by addressing the elephant in the room right away, you never liked ignoring the problems that were always looming over you, “care to tell me what happened yesterday?”

He drew a big sigh and rested his head back on the pillow, looking up at the ceiling.

You couldn’t stop looking at him. At first because you really wanted to know the mystery, but the longer you looked at him, the more you realised that you’re just admiring the beauty that he holds, until his words fell like a dead weight right onto your shoulders.

“I found Eudora’s body yesterday. I couldn’t get to the place in time and someone killed her.”

What?

It felt like what he said was simply a trick of your imagination. You liked Eudora yourself, she was a very intelligent and an interesting person, you two often hung out and that feeling didn’t cease even after you found out that she and Diego started dating.

And even when they broke up some months after, you still found your way to spend time with her. So did Diego.

You wanted to cry, but thought that it might be insensitive towards him, because he was much closer to her than you were, so you tried to swallow your forming tears down.

“I’m.. I’m so sorry, Diego..”

“It’s your loss too, I know it, y/n,” he looked at you with much softer look this time.

“Come here,” he said a little bit hesitantly and opened up one arm towards you.

This was unusual, but maybe last night’s events tore down some walls?.. Who knows.

You almost threw yourself into his embrace and once your forehead rested on his chest, you started crying.

From everything, honestly. There’s been problems at work, your seemingly unrequited feelings for Diego didn’t help much either and now you learned that you lost one of your friends.

He started rubbing circles on your back, just letting you get those emotions out, while you two were hugging each other on the bed in your apartment.

And as you slowly started to calm down, he said a gentle, “it’s gonna be okay. We’re gonna be okay”

#diego x reader #diego hargreeves x reader #tua diego #diego reader insert #the umbrella academy #tua fanfic #umbrella academy x reader #diego hargreeves #number two

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sadviper · 3 years

Text

2020 Creator Wrap: Favorite Works

Rules: It’s time to love yourselves! Choose your 5 (or so) favorite works you created in the past year (fics, art, edits, etc.) and link them below to reflect on the amazing things you brought into the world in 2020. Tag as many writers/artists/etc. as you want (fan or original) so we can spread the love and link each other to awesome works!

Succumbing to peer pressure, haha, thank you @rain-hat, @smylealong, @ibelongtomousse, @macgyver-sheriff, @avauntus for tagging me~

It seems the common refrain is that this was the year everyone exploded into massive creative productivity after years of nothing, which is the exact same story for myself. I had read all the strategies of course: write 5 min a day, 1 sketch a day, don’t think about quality, do *something* just to keep the spark alive, etc etc, but it just got worse and worse. Honestly, I had been feeling so dire about it that I had made up my mind to stop trying anymore, because it was so depressing to try and fail so many times that it was much better to not hope at all.

Buuuuut.....then quarantine and telework happened, and woooah, guess what, all I needed was LOTS of time and space to myself where I’m not wasting it in an office checking emails and doing random training to fill all the downtime!!!

Much thanks to the serendipity that had me stumbling into @rain-hat , reading her early JY/KSR fics, and her encouraging me to go ahead and write that office yearly budget oneshot for TKEM (who writes BUDGET fics?? Who reads them???? lol). That’s not in my list here because it was very new and awkward, it was definitely the ball that got everything rolling.

Cut for super long-winded rambling:

1) Before There Was Zero (TKEM)

This was my first big fanfic in my life, and my most popular, and it absolutely gushed out of me in this massive torrent of *I MUST WRITE* where I would walk around at lunchtime giggling to myself, and type on my phone as I went, or wake up at 1am to scrawl something in a notebook in the dark because I couldn’t stop the words from coming. (How I miss that feeling now! ;__;) Actually, it also is the 2nd fully complete long-form story I had ever completed as well, so...lots of milestones here.

Looking back, it clearly was the product of my years of bottled up silence, where I stewed and dragged myself to the office every day wondering if I was going to calcify in a bureaucracy for the rest of my life (yes). But even as an office drone, I learned a lot of valuable lessons in how to manage, what leadership actually is at the worker bee level, the types of games white-collar workers play, and how to be a decent co-worker (and by extension, a decent human being--I don’t believe it’s possible to separate work life and private life. All your personas are you). It wasn’t all a waste after all!

Somehow I connected my day-to-day to the faceless, long-suffering Royal guardsmen in TKEM, headed by the utterly gorgeous, devastating, thoroughly underutilized, comedic prop military action star Jo Yeong, and thought--yeah! :D

2) Nil Desperandum (TKEM)

My biggest fic by far, full novel length at this point, massive in scope, I don’t even know how I came up with it based on the 10 collective seconds of screen time that Jeong Tae-ra and tyrant Jin got as a joke, but I was clearly still on that dam-gushing-pent-up-creative-high because this idea was fighting me when I was in the middle of writing “Before There Was Zero”.

I actually figured out the title while watching “Call the Midwives” where one of the peppy, indefatigable British nurses said to never despair, and I thought, yes, that’s it. All the horrible things I put my tyrantverse characters through, it was only so that when I save them at the end, it will be completely worth it. It’s a bit more violent (nothing beyond My Country levels tho) and quite emotionally dark, but I also tried to inject a lot of friendship, humor, and love into it as well, because there must always be hope.

For My Country fandom friends who didn’t realize, the tyrant!Yeong in this fic is essentially modernAU!Seon-ho, and I lifted Sung-rok entirely from My Country to be tyrant!Yeong’s second-in-command and loyal-superstar-extraordinaire. Writing them in this modern AU, and seeing the positive reception to Sung-rok’s grouchy, dogged devotion was the start of my love spiral for Sung-rok. <3 <3

3) The Veritable Records of King Taejo (My Country)

Going to cheat and lump 3 fics (soon to be 4) into one link. I rested a little bit after “Nil Desperandum” because I had completely emptied myself out at that point, just a husk of an author shell. Then I started poking out oneshots! Each one got progressively harder to write, lol, the creative gas tank was running out of juice, so I had to really start figuring out new strategies as a writer to keep going. One magic tool was coercing recruiting @rain-hat to beta for me, and WOW, THE BEST???? Who would’ve thought it’d be FUN to be edited!!! <3 Due to her efforts, I could avoid the “no beta we die like Liaodong” tag, hahaha.

I grew up watching cop shows, lawyer shows, monster-of-the-day shows, endless procedurals-- so I was super miffed that the drama would imply that Seon-ho spent YEARS just single-mindedly chasing private armies??! No! I want more family and friends development for this sad, dramatic whump child! I want him to be smarter than the show, inherently brilliant despite the stupid he descends into, and be recognized as such by the people who do recognize his value! And I want them all to be happy with no pointless death!

Also, the 4th WIP is now a Sung-rok lovefest written as an ode to his awesomeness, has stretched to 47K+ words, and is being an absolute royal pain to finish. ;__; All the ease and creative fervor from earlier? GONE. I’m a lone salmon flopping upstream on a ladder. I might get eaten before I finish laying my eggs. Any one have tips to get over this?

4) First Translation of Woo Do Hwan Japanese Interviews

More firsts! So much thanks to @ibelongtomousse to inspiring and encouraging me to do some real translating after talking to her about her sublime TKEM fics and translations thereof, and @staidwaters from emerging from the Internet depths to boost/correct my neophyte efforts! I’m now chomping at the bit to do more, even though I may ultimately discover that these interviews have absolutely nothing interesting to say, lol. But my first priority is simply to get better at the language, and 2nd priority is to soak in the words (and photos) of Woo Do Hwan, hahahah. Also, as far as I can tell, no one is filling this niche, so I guess I’ll keep going??

5) Fanart!

I started drawing again! As a procrastination tactic from writing oneshots, but it still was really nice to see that I hadn’t lost the touch entirely. I feel like I’ve mentioned this here and there, but writing wasn’t my first interest--drawing was. Animals first, then people once I discovered anime/manga. I went all into drawing comics, only to face the hard reality that I didn’t know how to tell a story end-to-end. Hence how I started trying to write. Along the way, things happened--I got RSI and had to stop drawing/writing for awhile. I discovered that pictures are NOT worth a thousand words, esp when it comes to long-form comics; my preferred tools of trade (dip pens) ended up exacerbating my RSI problems; then once I got a handle on my RSI, I found I could type faster than I can ever draw, and so here I am. I saw what @convenientalias was doing with their My Country werewolf fic though, so I am excited to try that for my Sung-rok WIP? :D

I think I’m the last hold out among artist/writer friends in answering this wrap-up, hope you enjoyed reading!

#meme #fic meta #2020 accomplishments

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erika-youknowtheangel · 3 years

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Why hello there, it’s been a while huh?

//Hi Tumblr! Do you remember me? I’m still around. I haven’t been caught up on Night Vale recently so I’ve been avoiding spoilers. Sorry for the random really long hiatus!

The holidays are here, and being that it’s been such a shit year for everyone, I think it’s time to let go of some things in time for the new year. That being said, it’s 1am, and I can’t sleep. I’ve been thinking, and I’ve been doing really well lately, despite... not doing well. Confusing right? Yeah I know lol.

I just want to document, and especially for those wondering where I went. I can talk about it now and feel okay. I also want to make this more public, in case someone else has gone through it, or currently going through it.

Thank you to those of you still in my life who have supported me, and those of you who had but we lost touch. I haven’t forgotten about you. Thank you.

TW: Toxic relationship, thoughts of suicide, non-consent (kinda?)

I recently found myself practicing magic- something I never really thought would help me. But here we are! And recently, I did a letting go spell. And honestly, it really helped a lot. And I think I’d like to create a new era of this blog too, to signify that I am moving forward.

I moved states about 4 years ago now. Things played out pretty ugly for a while. I uprooted my entire life, because I wanted to, but I mainly did for someone who was very special to me. Don’t do that, kids, lol.

Do I regret it? No. I really don’t. Would I do it again if I knew what would play out? I genuinely cannot tell you.

Things were great here, at first. I thought I got everything I’ve ever wanted. Someone who loved me. Friendly faces around me. No more parental scare tactics. A job I really liked. But in return, I gave everything I already had, which wasn’t much to begin with, to this person.

I am not a perfect person at all. And I do take some of the blame for the times I was super unreasonable. But at least I apologized, and was an open book about how I felt. Unfortunately, they gaslit me and everyone around me, saying that I was super manipulative and abusive. Of course, nobody wants to take the abusers side. So I lost a lot of “friends”. There was a time I did not know what was real. Did I truly say those things? Did I manipulate them in some way? Was I really just not listening?

Those who were THERE, know that this wasn’t at all the case. Who wouldn’t chose a side, for there was not ONE person to blame, but the both of us. They helped me so much in my recovery. I am so SO grateful to them, and hope they know that them staying and helping me self-reflect and work on myself means the absolute world to me. My only regret is not letting them in more before then, since I was so caught up in this one person to care about anyone else, myself included. I was naive to think that all of my mental breakdowns happening so often were because I was on my own for the first time with no life skills, but also because of depression. I see now that it was because of a toxic person I let too far into my life.

I think what hurt me the most, is that I just felt used for the sex. Sex isn’t at all important to me in a relationship. I mainly just want to cuddle. But like, sure whatever. However.... I really don’t want to say I was raped, because it does not feel like the right word for it. I DID say yes. But at the same time, I didn’t exactly want to most of the time. I felt pressured. They talked me into it quite a lot. It mainly just felt like a chore after a while, and then they would cry and scold me that “my heart wasn’t in it”. And “Did I even like them anymore like that”. Though, that last one stung, because they always wanted me to play a character. Like they didn’t actually like me anymore. It made me view sex in a whole different light. And I’m not going to lie, I still have no idea if it was a good or bad thing. I haven’t really said this part before. But, I can finally acknowledge it without triggering this spiral of thoughts.

Honestly, ever since they cut me out completely I haven’t had nearly as many mental breakdowns since that first year. I also got a dog, who has helped me SO MUCH through this process. I honestly don’t think I would have made it through the pain of losing myself if it weren’t for her. She reminded me to take care of myself. Feed her, feed myself. Take her potty, take a walk outside. She has been with me for a little over 3 years now.

This pretty much brings me to how absent I was on this blog mainly. Ever since that relationship, I’ve been learning on how to take care of myself. It’s been a LONG while since I could do the things I loved without thinking of them. I just recently started painting again. I haven’t been drawing as much as I used to. Cosplay basically went out the window. I’m taking back MY OWN character that this person wanted so bad. In fact, I have plans for him I just haven’t gotten to yet.

For the new year, the past is the past. I’m thankful it wasn’t ever physical. But I am still to this day working through some of the things. I still cannot hear a certain car horn without going into a panic. I will never be able to call someone a certain pet/nickname, and I am trying to reclaim another one I liked. I never got closure. And through working on it myself and seeking therapy and talking about it, I was able to be okay with that. Still sucks, but you gotta do what you gotta do I guess.

And if this person, just so happens to come across this for whatever reason- I will never. NEVER forgive you for what you put me through. But I also want to thank you for at least showing me who my true friends were and are.

I’d like to be an ask blog again. I’d like to have the energy to draw, and cosplay and craft. I will never stop improving. I can always be better.

And that’s what I plan to do.

For those of you who have actually read this all the way through, thank you. It’s nice to be heard. It’s nice to have gotten this out in the open.

My inbox is always open if you need to talk. :)

#personal #ooc #updates from the mun

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calumcest · 4 years

Text

you and i were fireworks that went off too soon - chapter seven

[ao3]

did i just pull this entire chapter out of my arse tonight? maybe! not that i don’t write these chapters all in one sitting at like 9pm-1am every single time don’t get it twisted i’m not organised i am a binge-writer

i always do my long ass a/ns on ao3 i dont know why feels more REVEALING to do them here because i know people actually read them and i think probably one person on the whole planet has ever read my ao3 a/ns its a safe haven so i’m just going to say my brief thank yous: thank you to @clumsyclifford for literally everything you do always, thank you to @ashesonthefloor for listening too me bitch about this fic and having the most wonderful thoughts and ideas about it, thank you to @kaleidoscopeminds for motivating me to keep writing this fic w your kind words, thank you to @allsassnoclass for always being so wise and understanding of authors dilemmas and encouraging me w your lovely words, and thank you to my spoiler anon for being so lovely about this fic and holyverse and also for asking about another chapter because i swear to u i would have kept putting it off were it not for u. also big thank you to noel and liam gallagher for writing the SMASH hits i wrote this entire chapter to and for being [redacted] and also to richard madden because i just fancy him and feel like i should thank him for existing and allowing me to perceive him

It’s a twin room, thank God, because Luke would have rather slept in the hallway than shared a bed with Ashton for four weeks.

“I’m taking the window bed,” he announces, before Ashton has a chance to say anything, out of pure spite, because he knows Ashton likes sleeping by the window. Or knew, maybe. He’s not sure anymore.

Ashton opens and then closes his mouth, nods curtly, and puts his carry-on bag on the bed nearest the bathroom. Luke puts Clifford down on the bed first, muttering at him to stop fucking yapping (which Clifford, of course, ignores), and then drops his suitcases next to it with a sigh.

“So,” Ashton says, and his voice fills the entire room, too loud and too much, a jarring reminder that Ashton’s here, in Luke’s space, and Luke’s got no option but to live with it. “Should we go out?” Luke blinks at him.

“What?” he says.

“Well,” Ashton says, with an uncomfortable shrug. “Study doesn’t start ‘til tomorrow, and it’s only nine. Thought we could spend the day exploring?” Luke stares at him.

“Think I’d rather spend my last day of freedom alone,” he says, a little harshly. Ashton blinks, and Luke doesn’t miss the flash of hurt that crosses his face, but then he nods again.

“Have you still got my UK number?” he says, and Luke hesitates, and then nods. He’s not sure why it feels like he’s giving something away by admitting that he’d never deleted Ashton’s numbers; he’d been the one to text Ashton about the tattoos first, so clearly Ashton already knows that Luke still had his Australian number, at least. “Well. Text me if you need anything?”

“Don’t think I’ll need anything,” Luke says, and Ashton sighs, and Luke feels a little small, a little stupid, like Ashton’s a patient parent putting up with a melodramatic teenager.

“I’m going to head off, then,” Ashton says, a touch awkwardly, and Luke just nods, busying himself with getting Clifford out of his travel cage, thinking he’ll ask at reception for directions to the nearest park and let Clifford stretch his legs. He steadfastly doesn’t look at Ashton as Ashton gathers his things together, patting his coat pocket to make sure he’s got everything, and then slips out of the room, door clicking shut behind him.

As soon as Ashton’s left, Luke suddenly feels simultaneously relieved and overwhelmed. He feels like he can breathe a little easier, think a little clearer without Ashton in his personal space, making him feel like he has to be alert, on edge, but the hotel room feels strangely empty without him. Luke shakes his head, tries to get the latter thought out of his mind, focusing on Clifford’s insistent yaps to draw him back to reality and distract him.

“Alright, little man, we’re going,” Luke mutters, fumbling around in his bag for Clifford’s lead. Clifford jumps around at his feet, already panting, and Luke rolls his eyes, clips the lead on, checks he’s got his room key and phone in his pocket and heads out of the room.

He decides to take the stairs, since he doesn’t think Clifford’s got the patience to wait for the lift, which proves to be the right decision when Clifford’s straining at his lead trying to bound down the stairs, giving Luke reproachful looks whenever he tugs him back. They’re only on the second floor, so it’s not long before Luke’s back in the lobby, and Clifford finally pulls himself together and trots smartly at Luke’s heel, giving other people milling in the area imperious looks as they pass.

“Hi,” Luke says, and the receptionist smiles politely up at him. “I’d like to walk my dog. Can you tell me where the nearest park is?” She nods.

“Of course, sir,” she says, and pulls out a brochure. Luke mentally pinches the bridge of his nose. He’s going to look like a massive fucking tourist walking around with one of those. He’ll be lucky if he doesn’t get mugged.

“You just need to turn left out of the hotel, take a right at the end of the road, take the second left after that, take two rights, and you’ll be at the park,” she says, trailing her pen across the streets and ending it with a flourish, circling a rectangle of green on the map and smiling at him again. Luke smiles back, having taken absolutely none of that in, thanks her, pockets the map and decides he’ll probably just walk around the nearby backstreets for a while until Clifford’s worn out to lower his chances of getting lost.

Clifford, it turns out, is surprisingly tired, having apparently spent all of his energy on pestering Luke to take him out. He only manages about half an hour of walking up and down a few streets around the hotel before he’s flagging, sitting down and staring up at Luke beseechingly when Luke tries to pull him along. A passing couple throw Luke an amused look and titter to themselves, and Luke sighs.

“C’mon, little man,” he says, tugging again. Clifford refuses to budge, just stares up at Luke with a look that Luke knows all too well. “Come on, Cliff, you’re embarrassing me. It’s two streets away. You can walk that far.” Clifford stays put, and Luke rolls his eyes, but bends down and scoops Clifford up into his arms. Clifford immediately nuzzles into Luke happily, licking at his neck, and Luke pulls back, wrinkling his nose. “Gross, Cliff, don’t do that.”

Luke pretty much speedwalks back to the hotel because little though Clifford is, he’s surprisingly heavy after a while, and Luke’s much weaker than he looks. He throws the receptionist a polite smile on his way back up to the room, unclips Clifford from the lead as soon as he’s in there and rummages around in one of his suitcases for the bed Michael had shoved on top of all of Luke’s warmest clothes. Clifford watches him patiently, and hops into the bed as soon as Luke’s unfolded it, curls up and closes his eyes. Luke can’t help but smile fondly down at him, bending down to press a kiss to the top of Clifford’s head and scratching behind his ears.

“I’m going to go out again, little man,” he tells Clifford. “I’ll be back to give you your dinner, though.” Clifford just sniffs, which Luke takes to mean ‘yeah, sure, now fuck off and let me sleep’, and Luke straightens again, throws Clifford one final fond look and heads back out of the room, shutting the door softly behind him.

He decides it’s probably fine if he wanders aimlessly, since the brochure in his pocket has the name of the hotel on it and Michael had paid for his phone plan to cover the UK for six weeks so he can look it up when he inevitably gets lost. Having spent half an hour in the streets surrounding the hotel already, he decides to get on the tube and head somewhere new, picking a stop name he recognises - Leicester Square sounds vaguely familiar.

Leicester Square, it turns out, sounds familiar because it’s a tourist hotspot. Luke’s ducking and weaving between people, mumbling apologies as he slips through gaps that he doesn’t actually fit through and splits up groups (but seriously, he thinks, slightly irritated as he smiles politely, who the fuck walks in a row of five?). There are countless little side alleys and back roads leading off the main street, but even those are difficult to walk through, filled with the native Londoners who know their way through the labyrinth of twisting streets and know better than to be anywhere near Leicester Square in the first place.

Eventually, half to get out of the crowds and half because he’s actually pretty hungry, Luke ducks into a Costa and buys himself a ham and cheese toastie, balking at the price when the cashier rings it up. Five fucking pounds, what’s that, ten dollars? For one sandwich? Fucking hell. He’s definitely going to be demanding those reimbursements from the university.

He’s waiting for his sandwich to come out of the toaster, only two baristas serving a queue of at least twenty, when someone taps him on the shoulder a little tentatively, making him jump. He whips around, wondering whether he’s in the way or something, and comes face to face with-

Ashton.

“Are you serious?” he demands, before he can think about it. Ashton shrugs, and looks a little uncomfortable. “Are you following me?”

“I was already here,” Ashton says. “I’ve got a table.” He waves his hand in the directions of an empty table in the far corner, and Luke can see Ashton’s coat bunched up on one of the chairs.

“Oh,” Luke says. Ashton gives him a look, simultaneously sad and calculating, and for a brief moment, Luke thinks fuck, his eyes are pretty. Jesus Christ. Maybe he should have stayed at the hotel and napped.

“D’you want to sit with me?” Ashton says. Luke hesitates - not particularly , is the first petulant thought to cross his mind, before his rational side kicks in and tells him sleepily that he won’t find a seat anywhere else - and then nods.

“Ham and cheese toastie?” the barista calls, and Luke steps forwards, takes it from her hand and heads wordlessly in the direction of Ashton’s table, Ashton in tow.

“Sorry,” Ashton says, when Luke picks up Ashton’s coat off the seat and holds it out for him. He takes it from Luke and his finger brushes against Luke’s, and something like liquid gold rushes through Luke, making him giddy from head to toe. It’s the sleeplessness, he tells himself, averting his gaze and snatching his hand away. God knows he’s felt even more unexplainable things on the same amount of sleep.

“‘S alright,” Luke says, sitting down to avoid thinking about the warmth of Ashton’s finger brushing against his own and the way his finger is still burning from the contact. “You didn’t know I was going to be here.” Ashton hesitates, and then busies himself with tucking his coat behind him, like he’s looking for something to do that isn’t stare across the table at Luke. Luke’s not going to complain about that, and takes a bite out of the first half of the toastie so he won’t have to say anything else.

They sit in silence for a moment, Luke eating his toastie, Ashton fiddling with the bracelet on his left hand. The silence is uncomfortable, oppressive, and Luke kind of wishes he’d just sat on the fucking floor or something. Nothing makes him wish that more, though, than when Ashton opens his mouth and says: “I wondered.”

Luke swallows his last bite of toastie with a frown.

“You wondered what?” he says. Ashton shrugs, tension and discomfort visible in the movement.

“I wondered whether we’d bump into each other,” he says. Luke rolls his eyes.

“Not this again,” he mutters, but it’s more tired than anything. Ashton sighs, and drops his hands onto the table.

“Look,” he says carefully. “I don’t think us bumping into each other all the time is a coincidence.”

“Fucking hell,” Luke says, but there’s no heat behind the words. He digs the heels of his palms into his eyes and squeezes them shut. He’s too fucking tired for this.

“Luke,” Ashton says, like Luke’s being unreasonable. “We’ve lived in the same city for years-” Luke opens his mouth to interrupt, because Ashton was always away half the time when they were together, and he can’t imagine that’s changed much “-okay, on-off, because I’m in LA sometimes - but we’ve not once bumped into each other. Then we get the tattoos, and suddenly I’m seeing you every other week?”

“What’s your point?” Luke says, a little irritably. “You think this is some grand plan from the universe to make us fall back in love? What, I’m Cathy, you’re Heathcliff?” Ashton bites his lip, and Luke’s mouth twists bitterly in a humourless smile. “This isn’t fucking romantic, Ashton. You leaving me was-” he cuts himself off. He’s not quite ready to tell Ashton that , yet. “Awful,” he says, eventually. “This isn’t part of some, like, big romantic redemption arc for you. You fucked up, and you fucked me over, and we’ve just got to find some way to live with the tattoos. That’s why we’re both here, isn’t it?” Ashton’s silent for a moment, and if Luke’s not mistaken, looks a little paler than he had a minute ago, and then nods.

“Can we at least be civil?” Ashton says, and then, seeing the look on Luke’s face, adds: “We’re stuck together for four weeks, Luke. I know you don’t like me, and I’m not asking for- for friendship, or anything. I’m just asking for you to be civil with me.” Luke exhales heavily.

“Fine,” he says tiredly, before he has the chance to think too much about it. “Civil.”

“Civil,” Ashton agrees.

(Luke’s pretty sure civil doesn’t involve thinking God, I’d forgotten how long his eyelashes are, and the way you can see a hint of his dimple when he speaks, but he’s also pretty sure that’s entirely to do with the exhaustion, and nothing to do with him.)

-------

Ashton talks Luke into going down to the Houses of Parliament, with a combination of a sincere look on his face, big, serious eyes as he says look, we don’t want to risk another bumping-into-each-other tattoo, and it’ll just be civil, and the fact that Luke just doesn’t have the energy to argue. Plus, he thinks, Ashton seems to know where he’s going, and Luke had forgotten to take his charger with him so he’s kind of fucked if he gets lost.

The walk down from Costa to the Houses of Parliament is only about twenty minutes, but feels so much fucking longer, both of them all too aware of the awkward silence hanging between them, amplified by the noise of the city surrounding them. They walk through Trafalgar Square, and Ashton tells Luke something about art installations and the fourth plinth and Luke just nods along, trying his best to do this whole civil thing by quelling his instinct to snap I don’t fucking know what a plinth is and you know full fucking well I don’t care about art. Ashton seems to sense it from him anyway, though, because he falters and then says, with an uncomfortable laugh, “You probably don’t care about this anyway.”

“Not really,” Luke admits, because they’d said civil, not dishonest. Ashton smiles wryly, but it doesn’t reach his eyes.

“Sorry,” he says, and Luke just hums, and they fall back into an awkward silence.

It’s easier, Luke finds, when a man in a suit shoulders into him and keeps walking without so much as a mumbled apology and Ashton turns to him, outraged, and says Londoners really are cunts, if they interact with each other through their surroundings. Talking about people, things, even the fucking weather, adds a sheen of superficiality, a layer of removal that they can both look at and pretend there’s nothing more to it, no years of hurt and pain bubbling beneath the surface.

“How is it this sunny yet this cold?” Luke grumbles, shielding his eyes and squinting up at Big Ben.

“You should be here in April,” Ashton says, stabbing the button at the traffic light repeatedly.

“I’ve got no intentions of being here any longer than I have to be,” Luke mutters. “What are we looking at, again?”

“It’s parliament, Luke,” Ashton says, like that’s supposed to mean something to Luke.

“So?” Luke says. “We’ve got a parliament.”

“And? Have you ever seen it?” Ashton says shrewdly, and Luke scowls, biting back the scathing retort on the tip of his tongue. Civil and Ashton are two concepts that he assumes will take a while to marry in his mind.

“Whatever,” he says, stepping out into the road as the light turns green. “Just don’t get why I’m supposed to care about some random country’s government, is all.” Ashton doesn’t seem to have anything to say to that, jogging to catch up with Luke, and they walk the rest of the distance to the buildings in silence.

It’s quite imposing, Luke thinks, up close. The buildings are sort of dirty - or maybe they’re meant to look like that - and incredibly intricate, bordering on fussy. It towers over them, looking more like a palace than a place of governance, Big Ben casting a long shadow across the road. He’s not sure he’d want to be governed from this place.

“I don’t like it,” he says.

“Really?” Ashton says, squinting up at the buildings. “I think it’s kind of pretty.” You would, Luke thinks darkly. Old, ornate and overcomplicated? That’s exactly the kind of thing Ashton would get excited about and find unwarranted symbolism in.

“Yeah, well,” Luke says instead, because he’s pretty sure that thought doesn’t count as civil. “Think it’s just a bit too elaborate.”

“It’s Gothic Revival,” Ashton says, like Luke’s supposed to have a single fucking clue what that means. Actually, Luke thinks bitterly, he’s probably fully aware that Luke doesn’t have any idea what that means, and is hoping Luke will take the bait and ask so Ashton can demonstrate his massive intellect, or whatever.

“Right,” Luke says, a little shortly. Ashton glances at him, looking a touch taken aback, but then looks back at the buildings.

“We can go somewhere else,” he says, and it’s an offer. An olive branch.

“Yeah,” Luke says, because annoyance at not knowing anything about architectural styles aside, looking at an old building is just pretty fucking boring.

“There’s an aquarium not too far away,” Ashton says. “I remember you-” he stops himself, and Luke swallows. Yeah. He loves aquariums. He loves them so much that Ashton had taken him to the Sydney Aquarium for their third anniversary, a month or two before he’d broken up with Luke.

(Two months on the dot. Not that Luke has both dates seared into his mind, or anything.)

“Yeah,” Luke says again, to fill the silence of both of them thinking back to that day. “Let’s go to the aquarium.” Ashton hesitates, and glances at Luke like he wants to say something else, a sort of semi-pained expression on his face, and then he sighs, shakes his head, and throws Luke a tight smile.

“Let’s go to the aquarium,” he agrees.

-------

The aquarium, it turns out, is a much better choice.

Despite the odd screaming child, the aquarium has a calming silence to it, an almost pensive quiet that pierces to the depths of Luke’s soul. It settles the air between him and Ashton, means they’re not silent for lack of civil things to say, but rather because they’re both caught up in the muted beauty of the ocean.

They don’t walk together, because Ashton likes to pore over every single placard and study every creature in minute detail and Luke’s drawn to the pretty, colourful fish. It’s Luke, though, who’s always the last to move on, and Ashton waits for him before they head to the next room. It’s almost nice, Luke thinks, as he heads for the door and sees Ashton slip through it when he sees Luke’s ready to move on, that they don’t have to have awkward conversations about it, that they can just understand and fall into it.

(He tries not to think about why.)

They spend hours in the aquarium, dawdling in every room, because they spent so much fucking money on it and they’re both going to be damned if they won’t milk it for all it’s worth. Luke spends an extra long time looking at the clownfish, for some reason, hypnotised by the way they can weave in and out of the anemones. There’s some kind of symbolism to be found there, he thinks, something about toxicity and safety, but he’s too tired to come up with it himself. Ashton would probably correct him if he tried, anyway.

Ashton’s particularly taken by the sharks, it turns out. He’s already staring at the huge tank in awe when Luke gets into the room, barely even blinking as his eyes follow one shark after the other. The room itself is dark, like the rest of the aquarium, but the tank’s so huge that Ashton’s bathed in light, rippling and shimmering and Luke, for the briefest of moments, feels something sharp stab at his heart, something he remembers feeling the last time he’d stood in an aquarium with Ashton. It makes his stomach clench, twist in on itself, because he knows exactly what he’d identified that feeling as before.

“They’re fucking beautiful, aren’t they?” Ashton says, interrupting Luke’s train of thought before it can take the leap off the cliff edge of panic, and Luke looks up at the sharks.

“I guess?” he says, because he doesn’t really see it.

“You used to like them,” Ashton says, sounding a little surprised.

“I used to like a lot of things,” Luke says. I used to like you, he adds spitefully in his head, and sort of hopes Ashton’s telepathic.

“Guess I’ve got to get to know you again,” Ashton says, and it’s a little wistful, a little sad. Luke doesn’t say anything, because he doesn’t know what would sum up I’m not sure I want you to, I don’t think I’ll give you a chance and Good fucking luck in a civil way.

They stand there for a while, watching the sharks, and people filter in and out of the room behind them. It feels oddly hypnotic, being stood there with Ashton, the only two static parts of a moving whole. He wonders if the sharks feel the same, swimming aimlessly in their tank, watching the world pass by and powerless to move with it.

“I’m sorry,” Ashton says quietly, after at least ten minutes have passed. It’s so quiet that Luke thinks he might have misheard it - maybe it was the family behind them, or just the sound of the tank - but he can sense Ashton stiffen next to him, like he’s preparing for backlash of some sort.

“What?” Luke says, just to make sure he’s heard right.

“I’m sorry,” Ashton repeats. Luke pauses, waiting for Ashton to elaborate, but he doesn’t. He doesn’t really have to, though, Luke finds, because he knows what Ashton means.

“I know,” Luke says eventually. Ashton swallows, but says nothing, just carries on gazing at the sharks, but out of the corner of his eye Luke can see that Ashton’s gaze is fixed now, not following the sharks around.

They stand in silence until an announcement blares through the system telling them that the aquarium is closing soon, making them both jump.

“What time is it?” Luke asks, just for something to say.

“Uh,” Ashton says, pulling his phone out. “Five.” Fucking hell. It feels much later than that. “Do you want to go back to the hotel?” Ashton adds, like he knows what Luke’s thinking. Luke nods.

“I’m fucking exhausted,” he admits, as they head back up the steps away from the sharks and towards the exit.

“Me too,” Ashton says. “I wanted to stay up until at least ten, but…” he trails off, stifling a yawn, and Luke can’t help but snort. Ashton smiles, small but genuine. “Fuck off,” he says, but it’s good-natured.

“Yeah,” Luke says, as they traipse out into the little shop. “Think I’m just going to crash when we get back.” Ashton nods, pushing open the door to the exit. Luke’s expecting the glare of brilliant sunlight to hit him, squints in preparation for the onslaught of light, but it’s pitch fucking black.

“What the fuck?” he says, sounding kind of perplexed and kind of outraged.

“What?” Ashton says. Luke gestures up at the sky with one hand, and uses the other to pull his coat in closer towards himself, because fucking hell, it’s freezing.

“It’s five o’clock,” he says. Ashton looks up at the sky, and then at him, an amused expression on his face.

“Wrong hemisphere,” he says, and Luke rolls his eyes.

“Fucking miserable place,” Luke grumbles, tucking his arms in and huddling in on himself. “No wonder they invaded the rest of the fucking world, Jesus. I wouldn’t want to stay here either.” Ashton says nothing, but when they pass under a streetlight, Luke sees the corners of his lips tilted upwards, and something warm and pleasant spreads from his stomach outwards.

“D’you actually know where you’re going?” he asks, when Ashton takes a sharp right turn onto a bridge.

“Of course I know,” Ashton says, in that infuriating, I’m-Ashton-Irwin-and-I’m-an-intellectual manner that Luke had never liked. Luke rolls his eyes, not entirely playfully, and jogs to keep up with him.

Ashton leads them across the bridge, past the parliament buildings again, up a long road that a lot of people are ambling down, and then cuts into a small alley on the right.

“You definitely don’t fucking know where you’re going,” Luke says, standing at the mouth of the road, something uneasy in his stomach. “I’m not going down here.”

“I know where I’m going,” Ashton says.

“Where are you going?” Luke says sceptically.

“Charing Cross.”

“Why is that down an alleyway?”

“It’s just a shortcut.” Luke stares at him, narrowing his eyes.

“Why can’t we walk on the main road?” he asks, because it feels right. Something about the alleyway feels wrong.

“We can,” Ashton says. “But it’ll take longer.” Luke makes no indications of moving, and Ashton sighs, and it’s tinged with sadness. “Come on, Luke, are you serious? You think I’m going to, what, murder you in an alley in London?” Well. Not specifically, but something’s telling Luke not to follow Ashton into that alley. Much more than that, it’s telling him not to let Ashton into that alley, but Luke’s trying to ignore that part of it.

“I just don’t want to go that way,” Luke says stubbornly. “Let’s just go on the main road.”

“It’ll take much longer that way,” Ashton says.

“I don’t care,” Luke says. “We’re not exactly fucking wanting for time, are we?” Ashton takes a step further into the alleyway, almost out of Luke’s line of vision.

“Come on , Luke,” he says, and takes another step, and Luke’s stomach tightens uncomfortably as he does.

“Don’t,” Luke says, before he can stop himself.

“Why?” Ashton says, sounding exasperated. “Look, the longer you stand here arguing, the longer it’ll take us either way.”

“I’m taking the main road,” Luke says. “Just- let’s fucking walk on the main road.”

“You don’t even know the way,” Ashton says. “I know the way.”

“I’m not going that way.” Even in the darkness and despite the distance, Luke can see Ashton roll his eyes.

“There’s nothing fucking down here, Luke,” Ashton calls, taking another step into the alleyway, and Luke edges forwards without even thinking about it, needing to keep Ashton in sight. It’s not really working, though, because Ashton’s walking further in and Luke’s at an angle to the alleyway, and it’s making him panic a little.

“Don’t fucking go down there,” Luke says, through gritted teeth. “Ashton, seriously. Just fucking come on the main road with me.”

“What’s your problem?” Ashton says, and even though he sounds genuinely surprised and curious, it makes a flash of anger flare up in Luke.

“Can you stop being a cunt for, like, two fucking minutes?” he bites out.

“Luke, I-” Ashton cuts himself off with a shout, and the anger’s gone, replaced with pure fucking fear and panic and protect protect protect running through Luke’s mind, and Luke’s barely even aware of his surroundings as he takes off, sprinting as fast as he can to the alleyway, getting to the entrance to it just as Ashton comes running out, wild-eyed. He doesn’t stop or say anything, just grabs Luke’s hand as he passes and tugs him hard in the opposite direction. They run to the main road, Luke’s heart pounding in a way that definitely isn’t just from the exercise, and then they run up it, and they don’t stop running until they’re outside the station. Luke doesn’t even realise that they’re still holding hands until Ashton drops his hand to lean on his knees, panting, hair completely windswept as it falls into his eyes.

“What the fuck was that?” Luke spits, fury beginning to set in between the racing heartbeats and gasped breaths.

“Someone fucking-” Ashton waves a hand, like it’s going to explain what ‘someone’ did. It doesn’t fucking matter, because those two words alone are enough to make Luke’s heart tighten, to make his stomach clench

“I fucking said-”

“I know, but it’s fucking five p.m., and I always go that way-”

“I told you-”

“I know, Luke,” Ashton says, breathing almost back to normal, and he straightens and gives Luke a look that looks almost sad. “Why d’you think that was?”

“Why do I- are you fucking insane? Because it’s a creepy fucking alleyway? Anyone would fucking know not to go down there!” Luke says, throwing his hands in the air.

“You were so fucking adamant,” Ashton says.

“Yeah, and if you’d fucking listened-”

“Luke,” Ashton interrupts. “I didn’t sense fucking anything.” Luke stops.

“Are you trying to say this is another fucking soulmate experience?” he says. “We don’t have three. Most people don’t even have one. ”

“No,” Ashton says. “I think it’s the same one. The first one. The protecting one.”

Oh.

It’s kind of a blur already, even though it’s only been like, three minutes, but Luke remembers the haze of protect protect protect that clouded every single other one of his thoughts, that stopped anything and everything else - including his own safety - from mattering, that made him move without even thinking, running straight fucking into the alleyway he’d been so uneasy about because nothing mattered more than Ashton.

“Fuck,” he says, and Ashton nods grimly.

“Yeah,” he says. Neither of them need to say didn’t realise it went both ways, because it’s both written clearly across their faces.

“You got this on the fucking phone?” Luke can’t help but ask.

“Yeah,” Ashton says again. Luke rakes a hand through his hair, trying to organise his thoughts. All he can really focus on is the what the fuck and Jesus Christ and fucking hell swirling around in a mess in his mind.

“Well,” he says. “Shit.” Ashton huffs out a shaky laugh, raises his eyebrows, and nods, and Luke thinks that about sums it up.

-------

They don’t talk much on the journey back to the hotel. Luke snipes at Ashton when Ashton tries to show him how to use his contactless card on the barriers, because he’d much rather use a paper ticket, thank you very fucking much, and Ashton calls Luke back when he heads down the wrong escalator. Luke asks once what their stop is and nods when Ashton answers him, and then they don’t speak again until they’re in the safety of the brightly-lit hotel lobby.

Luke’s not entirely sure how to take the silence between them in the lift up to the second floor. It still feels awkward, stilted, uncomfortable, but there’s something grander now, something bigger than the both of them that they can both feel but neither of them want to acknowledge.

Luke fusses over Clifford when they get back into the hotel room, pulls out the pack of dog food he’d brought with him because he hadn’t been sure what brands the UK would have, and Clifford munches his dinner happily while Luke carefully removes his coat and plugs his phone in to charge, not looking at Ashton. It feels overcrowded, even though the room is made for two people and certainly big enough to accommodate both of them.

He takes his time washing up Clifford’s bowl, refilling his water, but Clifford seems perfectly content to doze back off to sleep after his meal, leaving Luke with nothing to do but think about how fucking tired he actually is.

“I think I might sleep,” he says, even though he doesn’t really have to announce it to Ashton. Ashton looks up from where he is on his bed, book in his hand, and nods.

“I think I might too,” he says. “Do you want the bathroom first?” Luke blinks at him.

“Oh,” he says. “Uh. Yeah. Thanks.” Ashton nods, and turns back to his book, but when Luke turns his back to get his things out of his still-packed suitcase, he can feel Ashton’s eyes on him.

He makes quick work of putting his pyjamas on and brushing his teeth, only hesitating with his hand on the bathroom door handle to leave as he throws a quick glance at himself in the mirror, because he looks so fucking disarmed in his pyjamas, so strangely small and vulnerable. Whatever, he thinks, forcing himself to push the door open, because what the fuck else is he going to do, sleep in the bathroom?

“Bathroom’s free,” he says, because it feels like what he should say, turning his back to Ashton and making a show out of putting his clothes in his suitcase. He should probably just unpack it, he thinks - he is going to be here for four weeks, after all - but not tonight. He’s too fucking tired for that.

“Thanks,” Ashton says, and Luke hears the sound of a book closing and then feet shuffling as Ashton heads for the bathroom. He waits for the door to click shut behind him before tucking himself into bed, drawing the duvet close to his chin to try and keep the cold out. Why the fuck is it so cold in England, seriously?

Ashton doesn’t take long, or maybe Luke falls into microsleep, or something, because it feels like it’s about two seconds before he’s coming out of the bathroom, placing his clothes on the chair opposite his bed, and getting into bed. He’s got plaid pyjama bottoms and a casual t-shirt on, and he looks just as disarmed and vulnerable as Luke had in the mirror, which makes Luke feel simultaneously better and worse.

“Can I turn the light off?” Ashton asks, and Luke nods. Ashton reaches over, clicks the light switch, and they’re plunged into darkness.

“Night,” Ashton says after a moment, and there’s a shuffling sound from his bed.

“Night,” Luke says, suddenly wide awake. He rolls onto his side and stares at the wall opposite him, willing the exhaustion that he’s felt all day to return. Even if he hadn’t slept, like, three fucking hours, he should be tired; it’s the middle of the night in Sydney.

He feels the time passing, times it by Ashton’s shuffling and Clifford’s even breathing and the noises from the street outside, and he’s sure it’s been at least an hour before there’s what sounds like Ashton flopping onto his back and sighing.

“Are you awake?” he whispers. Luke debates saying nothing, but knows if he evens his breathing out now it’s going to be pretty fucking obvious he wasn’t.

“Yeah,” he says, a little reluctantly.

“I can’t sleep,” Ashton says.

“Me either.” There’s a moment of silence, and then Ashton says-

“We could push the beds together?” Luke squeezes his eyes shut, and Ashton takes the silence as hesitation. “Just for tonight. We’d sleep much better, and we probably need it for tomorrow.”

“No,” Luke says. Civil is one thing, but spending an entire night pressed up against Ashton? That’s something else entirely.

“Luke, I-”

“Ashton, I said no.” Ashton’s silent for a moment, and then sighs.

“Okay,” he says, and it sounds a little small. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to, like. Push.” Luke inhales deeply, exhales heavily, and rolls onto his back, staring up at the ceiling.

“It’s fine,” he says.

Ashton says nothing, but Luke doesn’t hear his breathing even out until Luke himself falls into an uneasy, dreamless sleep, and when he wakes up in the morning, exhausted and grumpy, Ashton’s staring up at the ceiling again (or maybe still).

taglist: @sadistmichael @callmeboatboy @clumsyclifford @angel-cal @queer-5sos @haikucal @tirednotflirting @cthofficial @tigerteeff @i-am-wierd-always

if you want to be added to my taglist pls fill in this form!

#lashton #malum #5sos fic #5sos fanfiction #5sos fanfic #i am so exhausted i am gonna answer messages tomorrow i'm so sorry #but i hve seen and appreciate all of them and i LOVE each and every one of u #and i do not deserve any of u #u are all so lovely and sweet to me and then in return i give u This #hmm...helen is cancelled #its confirmed

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crushedbyhyperbole · 4 years

Text

Promises - Chapter Eight

Chapter Summary: Tony Stark's wine cooler suffers neglect as Bucky bails on work to rush back to Izzy. Visiting her twice in the same day? Their FIRST day? Bucky is in deep, and no amount of emotional hurt is going to stop him from giving her what she needs. Little does he know that she is just as stuck as he is.

Warnings: Sex, Smut, bit of foul language, more sex, bit of angst. Pretty much gratuitous smut. 18+ only please!

PROMISES MASTERLIST | MAIN MASTERLIST | MOBILE MASTERLIST

Belated Prologue Part 7 – Second Audition

Bucky got back to his apartment with just enough time to shower and get ready for work. All the ride home he thought about Izzy, replaying in his head every look and every sound right down to her soft breathing as she slept. He decided to shoot her a quick text just so she didn’t think he’d bailed on her for a bad reason.

[Buck] Hey, sorry I had to leave for work. You were comatose – cute, by the way. Let me know when you’re up so I know you’re ok after the best sex of your life. I’m gonna assume I passed the first audition? 😉

Bucky didn’t know whether he was overstepping or not but they both had a friendship that was full of mockery and jibes so he figured he was safe. He didn’t know if it was ok to talk about what had happened, they didn’t cover it in the rules so he was just going to feel it out. He wanted to tell her she was wonderful and that he’d not felt like that with anyone else, which was the god’s honest truth. He wanted to tell her she was beautiful and sexy, and that he wanted her in whatever capacity she was willing to give herself to him. He wanted to be with her but couldn’t tell her any of it.

His night at work dragged by, despite being busy. Saturday nights were always packed, even after people started making their way to the night clubs. Stark’s was open until 1am Friday and Saturday but 11pm every other night unless there was a special occasion like a birthday party or late night sports event that was covered on pay-per-view.

Bucky kept checking his phone. He’d sigh, irritated, when he received a text that wasn’t from Izzy. So that was basically all of them up until about 10 past midnight.

His heart jumped when he saw her name flash up on his phone.

[Izzy] Yeah, I’d tell you it was more than alright but I wouldn’t want your head to get any bigger lol.

[Izzy] And no being a creeper! Watching people sleep is for perverts and serial killers.

[Buck] I never said I wasn’t a pervert 😉

Bucky felt relieved. The casual teasing was a sign that everything was just fine between them. He tried to put his mind on the job but found he kept most of his attention on the device in his pocket, the slightest sensation against his leg and he was whipping it out to check if she’d replied.

He was putting together drinks for the last order of the night before he rang the bell for ‘time’ when his phone went crazy in his pocket; a phone call. Hurriedly garnishing the cocktails and presenting the order he rushed the customer away.

He clanged the bell loud enough to wake the dead.

“Time at the bar!”

Then he was checking his phone.

1 Missed Call. 1 Message.

It was Steve.

[Steve] You still coming clubbing after your shift? Me and the boys are in Ikon. Let me know.

He was about to reply to Steve to tell him he’d be there by 2am when another text from Izzy came through.

[Izzy] I think you broke me lol x

[Izzy] I’m not broken enough that I can’t go again though 😉 If you’re free after work? X

Holy shit! So soon? Bucky practically punched the air in jubilation. He replied to Izzy immediately but decided to leave his reply to Steve until he was actually leaving work.

[Buck] Sure thing, doll. I’ll stop by my place for a few things first. Be about an hour x

[Izzy] I’ll be waiting. X

Bucky was already getting that pre-aroused feeling low between his hips. Just the thought of being with her had his head all messed up. He broke 2 glasses as he rushed to clear up and forgot to stock the wine cooler before he left. Tony, who lived above the bar called after him as Bucky almost launched himself out of the side door.

“Does my wine cooler offend you or sum’thin? What am I paying you for here?” Tony grumbled

“I’ll get it in the morning.” Bucky stopped, turning back he gave the man a beseeching look.

“That skirt better be worth it.”

Bucky grinned, shrugging on his jacket. “She is.” He laughed and made a dash for the door.

He drove like crazy to his place, changed his t-shirt, sprayed some deodorant, grabbed a handful of condoms and a pack of gum and left. He drove like crazy the few blocks to Izzy’s place too and she buzzed him in with the kind of haste like she’d been waiting on him.

“Hey!” She said when she opened the door to him. “You got here quick. How was work?”

As soon as she opened the door it was only going to go one way. She’d bathed and was all wrapped up in a fluffy bath robe, her hair was damp still and scrunched up on a messy bun. Her skin looked radiant and the dimmed lights in the lounge were almost certainly purposefully low. When he laid eyes on her he knew there was no way they were going to make it to the bedroom.

She had turned and padded barefoot into the lounge, leaving him to close the door behind himself but when he didn’t reply she turned with a frown.

Bucky was almost certain he looked crazed at that moment. He kicked the door shut with his heel and was on her in a second, herding her backwards against the breakfast bar.

“Everything okay, Bucky?” Her eyes were wide with concern.

“James.” He ground out, tugging the belt of her bath robe until it came loose.

Izzy was quick to catch on, she smirked with satisfaction, and gave him a shit-eating grin when he got the robe open and saw what she was wearing underneath.

He groaned, rolling his eyes up to the heavens in such a show of supplication that she couldn’t contain her smugness.

“Izzy…” He sighed, pushing the rob off her shoulders to fully expose the black and red lace lingerie set she wore. The balconette bra pushed her breasts out perfectly, the lace sheer enough he could see her nipples. The panties were a thong and also sheer. Sheer enough for him to see that she’d shaved everything.

“Call me Bella.” She took a cue from him, asking to be called by something other than what they normally called each other.

It suited her, especially seeing her like this, all sultry and dressed to seduce. Bucky wasted no time cupping her breasts and squeezing them firmly. He stepped closer, forcing her to arch backward over the counter, pushing her hips forward against his.

“Fuck, Bella…” Bucky moaned into the valley between her breasts, squeezing them around his face, massaging them while he circled her nipples through the lace with his thumbs.

Trailing his tongue up the clean skin of her chest, he latched his mouth on the delicate spot above her clavicle and sucked.

Izzy recoiled, pushing him away with a nervous giggle.

Bucky searched her face for a brief moment before lowering his head and teasing the same spot with his tongue. Izzy obviously didn’t want to be marked. Bucky didn’t mind if she claimed him, but he’d never be able to tell anyone it was her mark on his neck.

“No hickeys. Check.” He mused as he shifted his attention to her legs, hooking his hands under her thighs and lifting her until her legs were wrapped around his hips.

His moment of looking at her in awe and exploring the new imagery of her lingerie, was over. The breakfast bar was too high but the stools were not. He deposited her roughly on the black varnished wood seat and shrugged his leather jacket off.

Izzy helped him, by unbuckling his belt as he dropped the jacket on the floor. Soon she was reaching into the open front of his jeans and taking his cock in her hand. He had been hard by the time she’d opened the door to him, anticipation built up until all he could think about was how she felt when he was buried in her to his balls.

“You’ve got such a pretty cock, but you know that already don’t you, James?”

He nodded and bit his lip, watching her stroke him. The intense pleasure combined with the slight thrill of seeing himself in her hand as she teased him with her thumb, spreading his pre-come around the tip and under to where his frenulum was pulled tight, was intoxicating.

Bucky pushed his jeans and shorts down to his knees, pulling the condoms out of his pocket as he did so. He dropped them on the counter, save for two; one of which he tucked into the cup of her bra, the other he rolled onto himself with practiced ease.

“You walking alright after this afternoon?” He asked, breathy from her teasing.

She smirked. “Pretty much.” Her light but bashful chuckle told him otherwise.

“Well, you won’t be after this.”

He pulled her thong aside and buried two fingers in her straight away, earning him a startled gasp. She gripped his shoulders hard and her legs twitched where they were loosely wrapped around his hips. He curled his fingers ruthlessly, repeating the stroking motion against the softness of her g-spot while he worked her clit with his thumb.

Earlier today had been an exercise in control, a chance for him to show her that he could draw out her pleasure indefinitely, make her feel amazing for more than just a few moments. Now, with her clinging to him as he relentlessly broke her down, he was here to show her his masculinity, and how much he wanted her.

Bucky worked her with his hand until the very second he felt her start to come. He pulled his hand free and grabbed her hips, burying his cock in her all the way and stilled, fingers now only working her clit as she cried out and came around his sold shaft that stretched her almost painfully.

“Ohhhh, God!” She cried out, scrabbling to pull him closer, clutching the front of his t-shirt in a death grip.

She felt exquisite, spasming and pulsing around him. Her gasps were half laughs through the disbelieving grin she wore.

Bucky began to move, long slow strokes, pulling out almost to the tip and sliding home with a powerful but controlled thrust. Gradually increasing the speed and forcefulness, he held onto the backrest of the stool with both hands and used it as leverage to fuck her harder and faster. She was already reaching the edge of another orgasm, losing the strength in her legs so they slipped down off his hips.

He tucked his forearms under her knees and gripped the chair again. She was so exposed now and he could see himself spreading her open, each thrust tugging against her labia, the pink flesh becoming more and more flushed as he ravaged her.

“Shit! Bu-.” She choked on his name.

Whether she realised and stopped herself, or whether she just couldn’t get the words out it didn’t matter. All that mattered was the tight pleasure of her clenching around him and the ragged gasping breaths that tore from her throat as she came again, hard enough for tears.

Bucky slowed as she came, pushing her gently through the pleasure, giving her just enough to keep it alive so it wouldn’t just be an intense blinding flash of ecstasy. He’d almost came then too. The sight of her coming undone, seeing himself sliding in and out of her, his sheathed cock glistening with her arousal.

Sweet Jesus!

With his arms still hooked under her knees he picked her up and walked her to the sofa where he lowered himself to the cushions, still buried inside her.

Izzy looked at him then, like he might be a little crazy.

“Who are you and where have you been all my finding Mr Wrong life?” She laughed, giddy and flushed from her release. She had no way of knowing that her words had cut him deep.

His eyes watered to the point he had to close them. It hurt. He was insanely happy but it hurt like a shotgun blast to the chest, he should know, he’d had one. A Kevlar vest was the only thing between him and death. The pain was unreal, and right now he’d take that again if it would only replace this new pain, this fresh hell.

How could he tell her he’d always been here? That he’d been waiting for her. Always waiting for her. He’d promised himself he’d never burden her with his feelings, and now they had rules. He was bound twice by his word to keep all of this inside.

“Ride me.” He gasped as the pain began to sap his arousal. “Use me. Fuck me. I want you to ruin me.” He practically begged her.

And she did, pulling him down by his hair, she smothered him in her cleavage as she began to grind herself on him. She made him forget her words and forget the tears he’d almost spilled. She made him forget he was Bucky Barnes, the man who had loved her since he was just a boy, the man who left his life behind to join the army because he couldn’t bear to be without her, the man who would live every day of his life by her side only in friendship if that was what she needed.

In those moments, there with her taking her pleasure from him, he was only James. An abstract concept of a man, a fantasy, all bravado and cocksurety. He lived each moment to enjoy it and the pleasure they shared. This was the distance he needed, to almost be someone else with her like this.

She moaned loudly, throwing her head back as she began to peak. He was swollen and riding the line between pleasure and pain where he’d kept himself until she was ready to come. There on the cusp he waited, needing only the tiniest of pushes, a feather stroke of something different to pull his focus away from control and fully into the path of the freight train that was threatening to plough through him.

“James!” Her sigh was like a chorus of angels. She was so close, he could see her working for it, struggling to find her release.

With shaking fingers he reached and lightly pinched one of her nipples through the lace of her bra, then harder, twisting it in his grip.

Falling forward with a gasp that morphed into a low guttural moan, she climaxed. Her last act before she began to slow was to return the favour. She pinched his nipple hard and tugged on it until he twitched deep inside her and spilled with a cry that was part pain and part pleasure.

Bucky’s thrusts fell away and they both sat panting, sweaty and dumbstruck, his hands idle by his sides. He couldn’t touch her. He was too raw emotionally, right then.

“Christ! I need to pee.” She laughed and tried to stand, legs wobbling as she climbed off him and staggered away.

Externally he laughed, she was adorable and funny, but inside he was numb. He thought he could do this, the no-strings sex thing. Not with her, he realised too late.

Bucky pulled off the condom and tied it off, dropping it on the coffee table.

“Drink?” Izzy walked past the sofa and went to the kitchen.

“Just water, is fine. Thanks.”

“You gonna tell me about work now?” Her question seemed too domestic now, too weird.

“Not with you dressed like that.” He snorted a breath out nasally.

“Right, right, sorry!” She grabbed the robe and covered herself.

Bucky was shifting his hips on the sofa, already pulling up his jeans and tucking himself away.

“I think it’s best to keep friendzone conversations separate from the sex stuff.”

Izzy looked at him sat there frowning at her and she must’ve known what it was that had gotten under his skin. Her face grew worried as she passed him the glass of water.

He downed it.

“Look, I’m sorry if what I said crossed the line. I guess I didn’t realise how it sounded when it came out.” She looked sad and the last thing he wanted to do was make her feel guilty.

“Yeah, we can’t get caught up in that happily ever after stuff if you want to keep to the rules.” Bucky ran his hands through his hair. He did that when he was tired, nervous, stressed, self-conscious, among other things.

“Scared you’ll break Rule 3?” She teased.

Goddamnit! Why was she torturing him?

“Are you?” His voice was as flat as he could make it, and he stood up to create some space between them. “It’s a rule for a reason, is it not?”

She’d set that rule. He already had feelings and for her to fall for him was his ideal situation. But she obviously didn’t want it that way. She just wanted him for the sex.

“Sorry.” She looked tired all of a sudden. “I’ll do better next time. If you want there to be a next time?”

What was he supposed to say? Yes, he wanted there to be a next time. He wanted to be her every time.

“Yeah, okay.” Bucky sighed heavily.

“Thanks, Buck.” She smiled, almost relieved.

She was his kryptonite. His main vice. But also the thing that kept him ticking. It was wrong to say she was his raison d’etre but she was pretty close. Promises and rules, that’s what kept this thing together, like a fucking band aid to hold together a fractured but priceless Ming dynasty vase. If it had to be, it had to be. It wasn’t like he wasn’t getting almost everything he’d ever wanted for his whole adult life so far.

“Bucky?”

“I need a fucking smoke.” He scooped up his jacket and pulled it on. “I’ll be back. Don’t fall asleep, and don’t get changed.” He gave her a crooked smile and a wink.

“Ohhh! God dayum!” She blushed hard. “Okay.”

#bucky barnes fan fiction #bucky barnes smut #bucky barnes x ofc #bucky barnes fanfic #friends to lovers #marvel fanfic #smut #fanfic smut #cloudy's writing #promises

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bdjwjcjwjvndndnejjc · 4 years

Text

neighbors ; y.c.

your new neighbor’s music is way too loud so you go confront him, and you end up spending the night

so yashua went live recently, and his neighbor knocked on his door and complained about the music being too loud, so my groupchat gave me this idea and here it is

warnings: cursing, smut (unprotected intercourse, oral, fingering, daddy kink)

it was maybe 1am, and you were wide awake, trying to record this song you recently had written up. when you started recording, you suddenly heard music blasting from next door.

“what the hell?” you whispered to yourself. you stopped recording and put on your slides to go confront the neighbor. you were in a silky robe with nothing underneath but you didn’t really care.

you hadn’t ever met this person before, you’d only seen him from the distance. lord was he attractive, but that was no excuse to blast music with his windows open.

you realized what song was playing, and it was ‘somebody else’ by 1975.

“damn it, i love that song.” you cursed to yourself, having to confront your not only attractive neighbor, but your attractive neighbor with good taste in music.

you shyly walked next door, and knocked.

you waited a few seconds and there was no response, so you tried again, but louder. the music stopped.

you heard the lock, and then the door opened, revealing your confused neighbor. he had a hoodie with three sevens on the front, and sweatpants on. his hair was dyed black, with little twists in the front.

“hey, i’m your next door neighbor. could you please turn down your music?” you asked, as politely as you could.

“aight.” he smirked, looked you up and down, and his pale teeth glistened.

“thanks. it’s just that i’m trying to record something, and you know, microphones pick up everything, plus your windows are open.” you weakly smiled, ignoring the look.

“i know, i make music too.”

“nice to meet you, what’s your name?” you asked.

“yashua.”

“i’m y/n.”

“y/n.” he repeated, to remember it better. he bit his lip and smiled.

“also, you have great taste in music.” you laughed.

“thank you, shawty.” he smirked.

“is music your career?”

“nah, it’s just something i do for fun. how about you?” you asked him.

“it’s what i do.” he smiled, chewing his gum.

“that’s really cool, you must be good then.” you smiled softly.

“i guess you could say that.” he laughed.

you both lingered there for few seconds.

“wanna come in?” he asked, opening the door more.

“sure! thank you.” you walked inside and followed him into his kitchen.

“want a drink?” he asked, looking over his shoulder as he grabbed two cups from the shelf.

“sure.” you said while you sat down, and sitting down made you remember how you were naked inside your robe. you shifted with the skirt to make sure you didn’t flash him.

“juice?” he asked, opening the fridge.

“w-water’s fine.”

he filled both the cups with water and handed you one of them.

“how come i’ve never seen you around before?” he asked, sitting beside you.

“uh-um.” you tried to make up a quick response as you were too distracted by your robe to give a real reason.

“what’s wrong?” he asked, looking down.

“o-oh.” he raised his eyebrows and bit his lip.

“fuck. this is so embarrassing.” you hid your face in your hands and quickly stood up.

he looked at you, eyes filled with lust, making your juices begin to drip down your leg.

“what’s that?” he asked sarcastically, kneeling down and then gathering the wetness with his index finger.

“i- i think i should head home now.” you stuttered, backing up away from him.

he put his finger in his mouth, and hungrily cleaned it up.

you felt the pool form between your legs, them starting to drip down your leg again.

“more? how did you know i was hungry?” he smirked and stood up in front of you.

“i- i-” you tried to speak but his fingers some how found their way to your slick folds.

you moaned softly and closed your eyes, and his were focused on your facial expressions.

“look at me.” he whispered while inserting one of his fingers, making you shoot open your eyes.

he kissed your and pulled on your bottom lip as you moaned.

“more.” you managed to get out, as your breaths kept getting stuck in your throat.

“needy much, princesa?” he smiled and pulled you towards his room.

you laid down on his bed, and he got on top of you, then he pulled off your rope and sucked on your nipples while drawing circles on your clit.

“more, please.” you moaned, and he spread your legs wide open.

“needy little pussy.” he mumbled while taking off his hoodie.

the first thing you noticed were all the tattoos on his bare chest, all probably having significant meaning to him. one of them read “777” matching his hoodie.

he then pulled down his sweatpants, which revealed a tiny tattoo right above the base of his cock.

daddy

you widened your eyes and you felt yourself get 10 times wetter.

“you like it?” he smirked, stroking himself and positioning himself.

you bit your lip and nodded.

“yes daddy.”

his dick throbbed and his mouth opened, then he pushed himself into you, fast.

“oh my god!” you moaned, while he held you down with your hands above your head.

“you feel so good wrapped around me.” he groaned into your ear, before kissing and sucking on your neck.

“such a tight fucking pussy.”

you moaned loudly and clenched around him.

he lowered his hand to rub your clit, which freed your hands and you scratched up his back.

he grinded his hips into you, going a great speed, which made you dizzy.

his size stretched the walls of your core, making you feel every vein and every ridge of him.

“i’m gonna- daddy i’m gonna cum.” you moaned loudly, and he sucked on your nipple then released it with a loud pop.

“cum for me, princesa.” he went harder, and you rolled your eyes back as you felt your high throughout your whole body.

he came shortly after, then he collapsed beside you, and the room was filled with both your heavy pants.

#yashua #yashua camacho #cnco #cnco smut #yashua smut #yashua camacho smut #smut #camacho #la banda #joel pimentel #richard camacho #zabdiel de jesus #erick brian colon #christopher velez #fanfic #cnco fanfic #cnco imagine

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dreamsafterhours · 4 years

Text

college boyfriend!markhyuk au series: II (mark’s pathway)

a universe in which roommates!markhyuk meet each other's s/o in class

markhyuk are roommates, my/n and dy/n are roommates, mark and dy/n take classes together and so do donghyuk and my/n — how will their fates intertwine?

genre: fluff, some angst pairing: platonic!donghyuk+my/n, surprise visit from mark format: dotpoint AU universe: non idol, college best friend warning: a lil swearing (best get used to it)

masterlist

or click here to continue your friendship with eng lit!mark!

I ⇤ | II | ⇥ III

II: relationship consolidation.. it’s platonic i swear

the fellowship continues (donghyuk + my/n)

hello again

are we ready

ever-ready i’m going whether u r or not lol idc you’re COMING

aight so ;;, donghyuk,

this boi,,

to meet someone new who he sees as almost a personal challenge,, to befriend and get to That Point™ in the friendship where you can talk about anything and everything without judging each other

he doesn’t have many friends that he can do that with tbh,, , he does have a lot of friends and people he knows and has conversed with but not a lot of friends he can crack jokes with and know they don’t take it personally

lots of dark humour and sometimes suggestive ones and political jokes and all that shit ,, intellectual puns and suicidal jokes,,, the lot

the basics for gen z humour right

he just wants someone to talk to and explore different concepts and abstract meanings and philosophical questions and get new perspectives on things he’d never thought about before

but also be able to say “ah fuck me upside down” without it actually affecting the relationship bc you’re just that close

sometimes it’s hard to have that relationship with the predominantly straight boys he surrounds himself with a lot of the time

and he’s always wondered what it’d be like to have a female friend like that and unfortunately he hasn’t befriended anyone and gotten to that point yet that he can ask genuine questions for the female point of view on certain topics

so meeting you,, and finding out you’re going for the same faculty after your undergrad course ,,,. then you being genuinely comfortable with him and his jokes and openly willing to accept his humour

he’s like /exclamation point appears above his head/

will this be The One™

so he lowkey ,, unintentionally,, in the process of getting to know you

develops a smol crush on you

it’s unintentional but he can’t help the fact that he falls in love really quickly but is also capable of getting over people fairly quickly if they don’t reciprocate his feelings and seems to be okay with that

but who can blame him for liking you??

you’re really damn cute

and genuinely good company

when he hinted that you could get married and have children in the future,,

his thought process was that ahaha i’m kidding.. unless?

so yes he was flirting but like ,, experimental flirting

and over the next couple of weeks he continues flirting with you

random lines like

“hey you look familiar, have i taken a class with you before?” he literally said this on the second day of classes with you

you honestly thought he was being genuine and actually didn’t remember you so you were like wait what ??? you literally walked me to my next class yesterday../? how? do you forget that??

and then he pulls a

“really? i swear we had chemistry” hand stroking his invisible beard

and then laughing at your reaction when you deadpan

“it was biology, donghyuk”

and sometimes u keep having that thought that u had in the middle of ur first lecture together, how he’s probably like this with everyone and he can easily befriend anyone else he’s probably gonna end up being those people that you know vaguely

but then you realise he’s been waiting in the same spot outside the lecture theatre every morning and afternoon, leaning on the wall, and looking up occasionally

smiling when he finds you in the crowd, picking up his bag from the floor and making his way over to you to walk into the lecture together

and you decide hm? he sticks around, i’ll stick around

on a separate occasion in some study session he’s like

“are you my appendix because i have no idea how you work, but the feeling in my stomach makes me want to take you out”

and you’re like “wow looks like you went ahead in the course donghyuk we don’t have human anatomy until next year. but how’s tmr at 7”

“perfect i’ll pick you up wear something nice”

hold

and then he bURSTS OUT LAUGHING and HOLLERING and yelling about how that was a good one tho right

you’re both in this sort of grey area where neither of you know where this is going

the reason he’s been saying all these things is to see what you were comfortable with in conversation and trying to analyse from your reaction whether or not you were actually flirting back or not

he’s ranted to mark in his dorms about it a couple times ,,

and so have you with your roommate

you return to your dorm after a day of doing a lot of back and forth semi flirting with donghyuk and you collapse onto your bed

your roommate looks over from her desk like “u good bro”

"i’m confused”

“fair enough”

“seriously idk if this kid is actually flirting with me or whether he’s practising on me or what”

“is this the donghek boi”

“yeah donghyuk” aka your future s/o yEET

you sit up and look at her

“uk what he said to me today”

she turns in her chair to face you fully,, ready for the tea

so you tell her the pickup line he came up with that day & your response to it and then his reaction to that bc he always seems to go for it but then tap out afterwards when you actually respond

and now you’re thinking,, do you really like him as more than a friend ??

and its???

so ?confusing to you

if you can’t tell if you like him for sure then you probably don’t, romantically

but then what effect are your responses having on him

what he actually does like you and all those flirty comments are genuine??? and you’re /internal gASP moment/

what if you’re leading him on?? what if it’s always gonna be him initiating the flirting but you’re accepting it with insincerity?

you decide this goes entirely against your morals

and you tell this to your roommate and she goes hmm,,

if you don’t feel committed to the idea of that,, then you don’t have to feel obligated to keep it going,, be honest with him ,, draw lines if you have to .. yes leading people on is a bad thing and it’s gonna affect the friendship

but also maybe it really is just part of the humour and that’s the friendship dynamic he wants to build with you?

so you decide to sleep on it bc it’s 1am and significant choices should not be made when drowsy and you’ve lost a lot of sleep these past couple days anyway

not that you get good sleep that night anyways

meanwhile donghyuk is shrugging @ mark like

“idk bro do i like her?? or do i like the idea of having someone to say that to”

“and yes she returns the gestures but then also i don’t think she means it? do we just keep it at that and keep being friends like WHAT IF I CATCH FEELINGS”

and mark is just staring at him like dude idk don’t ask me

“you’re so bad at giving advice mark”

but you wake up the next morning and decide to have a serious conversation with him after class bc that day you have a free hour after your lecture

it’s all you can think about during the class so you’re kinda distracted plus the partial sleep deprivation is getting to you

and he notices so he’s like

“bro u alright?”

so you just think fuck it and go

“hey real talk tho”

“ya”

“maybe i’ve been overanalysing this so,, tell me if i am but”

“sure”

“do you ,,, actually mean all those pickup lines ,, like are they based off, , real feelings or is this just part of the friendship dynamic”

and you’re almost surprised when he gets serious with you

he’s always been so lighthearted and sarcastic about things

but when he listens to your side of things and how you’re worried about whether or not you’ve been leading him on or something

he lets you finish and just tells you his feelings as well

“i’ve always wondered what it’d be like to have that dynamic and i guess i tried it on you without being honest ,, half to see if you would flirt back and half to just joke around ,;; i’m sorry that you got confused but i guess this means you don’t have? romantic feelings?”

so you have to reply honestly

“not necessarily ,, it’s been fun to have these conversations and laugh at pickup lines but”

“nothing behind it right”

“..yeah”

and instead of putting a damper on the atmosphere

it’s actually

refreshing

it clears the air in a way you didn’t expect

“right? nah it’s fun what we have going”

and you agree

aside from the confusion behind the flirting it’s been really fun talking to him and getting to know him

half of him was a lil disappointed that it didn’t go the romantic path but then again he wasn’t sure he had romantic feelings anyway

so he settles for

The Best Friend™

and so the friendship turns into sibling-like teasing and petty arguing from that day onwards

legit you’ll catch him staring

“what” “wHat” “what u lookin at” “whAt U loOkIn At” “stop copying me” “sToP CoPYinG mE” /you slap his arm/ “oW”

whimpers a lil clutching his arm uwu babie

“you hit harder than the bass drop”

sending each other bio memes and yelling at each other to go commit lysis

“lysosomes can take you out because you’re TRASH”

“i would send a macrophage after you you PATHOGEN”

calling him a parasite when he asks u for notes that he missed in class but it happens vice versa anyways lmfao

then one morning lab class he forgets his pencil case in his dorm like he forgot his laptop on the first day

except this time you call him a forgetful dumbass

all while offering a pencil from your own pencil case

which he takes

so he calls his roommate who “has a noon class and is probs still sleeping lol” to ask him if he can bring it down for him bc he’s got more lab classes that day

so after the class you wait outside the building for his roommate to arrive

and when he does he gives you a rlly nice smile and says “ʰᶦ”

“oh hello”

“yes this is my adoptive younger sister and my/n this is my roommate the Elder”

“ah you’re overreacting” the roommate turns to you and u ,, gotta admit ,

he’s really cute ,,, “don’t listen to anything donghyuk says, all he does is lie”

“hEY i am a SINCERE MEMBER OF CIVILISATION”

the roommate points to donghyuk again and goes “see he’s even lying about being civil”

so you laugh and gang up on donghyuk like “oh i saw through him a long time ago”

“wow he even lied about how” /puts up air quotes/ “ugly you AREN’T”

“wHAT”

“HE SAID IT NOT ME”

donghyuk is flabbergasted at this point

“wHEN DID I SAY THAT MY/N WAS UGLY”

“WANNA TELL ME THAT YOURSELF MR LEE DONGHYUK HUH”

which results in a sulky hyuk and you two laughing at his reaction of being Wronged™

he regrets letting u two meet in that moment

oh but we don’t

“ok u did ur mission. u can go now”

“so mean :((”

but donghyuk’s roomie waves at you while turning to leave and you wave back ,,

trying to calm yourself bc you’re highkey feeling kinda hot ur cheeks r burning up

he said ?? donghyuk was lying when he said u were ugly?

damn

donghyuk’s pickup lines had never been direct compliments about you

but this one from his roommate wasn’t a pickup line it was just

a statement

and it made u feel a typa way

dw baby it’s gonna be a happy ending uwu

and u tell ur roomie that night abt it too

“bRO his rOOMMATE”

“what’s his NAME i gotta FANGIRL WITH YOU”

“.. idk”

“.. oh”

/short pause, lip smack/

“.. lib tomorrow?”

“.. ya sure”

the next day after classes you check your phone and see that she’s texted you asking if her friend and his friend from eng lit can come and join you guys in the lib

and, naturally, u don’t see why not

so u reply

“the more the merrier”

the more the merrier for us too sweetie hmm hmm

eeeeeeéeeeeeèeeeeee

mhm mhm mhm it’s finally getting somewhere

click here to continue your friendship with eng lit!mark!

I ⇤ | II | ⇥ III

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someone-always-cares · 4 years

Photo

[image description: a q&a for the webcomic someone always cares. full desc under the cut because its long and wordy sorry]

post chapter 3 Q&A

first - previous - next

thanks for yalls questions!! it was fun to answer! if anyone still has questions feel free to ask whenever i am always 100% down to ramble. even if i did go slightly off topic in some answers

additional: went off topic with the hair question a bit. their bright hair is all part of the transformations. regular hair dye does exist though. best way to tell is that if the eyebrow matches the hair its probably not dyed. also, quartz’s hair is naturally ginger.

also for more on ages, check out the character bios here

also was gonna keep this in the tags but thought i might as well actually try to answer it: the question i found it hardest to answer was someone the song one. my taste in music is. a mess really. ive been listening to like the same 5 songs on repeat all day. more under the cut because i was rambling again and now its uhhh half 1am

if it helps at the time of answering that specific question i had home by cavetown on repeat, and that song reminds me of both rami and lewis. but that may be because i project onto those two a lot, and as a aro trans dude. who sucks with people skills, yeah of course i love that song.

specifically the vibes of like not knowing how to communicate (rami is fine with his friends but other people are different), the lines “ Turn off your porcelain face, I can't really think right now and this place, Has too many colors, enough to drive all of us insane” idk what the porcelain face line is supposed to mean but im picturing it as like. a mask. that you need to take off and stop hiding and rami does tend to hide when hes feeling upset, and the next two lines kinda could tie into that, like the feeling of when youre overwhelemed and just want the world to stop so you just hide somewhere. also the colours could go with chapter 3 with the chromatic abberation.

also the bit with “ my eyes went dark, I don't know where, my pupils are, But I'll figure out a way to get us out of here” just kinda sums up ramis whole hero thing with his powers and all. anyway this has turned into less what songs rami would like and why this particular song reminds me of him and lewis (lewis specifically has the hair cutting/chest hiding, [big transmasc mood], and also messy haired trainwreck who doesnt know who he is yet. also the ghosts bit)

i did end up picking upbeat songs because ramis a dude who like to try and be upbeat even if things arent. even if hes not really feeling it he will pretend to.

[full description: Anonymous said to someone-always-cares: “hi ily!!! do characters like quartz who have colored hair have that naturally or did they dye it?”

“its both natural and not! while most supers can do a magical girl ish transformation, including a change in hair colour, there are some exceptions.”

theres two small full body drawings of rami, one in civilian clothes, one fully transformed.

“if a superhero were to have a biological child, the child will inherit the powers of the parent(s). however, the child will not inherit the full transfromation. they do inherit any physical transformations, but not the outfit.”

theres a drawing of a woman in blue, quartz’s mother, fully transformed, holding her mask in her hand, smiling down at a much younger quartz as a child. hes smiling back up at her with the same blue eyes, pointy ears, and blue hair, but hes still in normal clothes.

“in the case of quartz, both of hisparents had superpowers, and he inherited those powers and the physical transformations.he can also pick and mix whatphysical traits to change.“

next is a headshot of adult quartz, his face split down the middle with one side having hair and eye like his mother, the other like his father. theres a list of traits from each parents, blue hair and eyes and pointy ears from his mum, and purple hair and eyes and pointy teeth from their dad.

“Anonymous said to someone-always-cares: Are all the characters the same age? If not, how old are they? Are they irl friends or just superhero friends?”

theres some headshots of rami and his team lined up with ages labelled: cam is 15, rami himself is 17, lin, mateo, and dante, are all 18, and cap is 20.

“rami and xandra were somewhat friends before she got superpowers, so when, after the incident with her old team, she found rami had developed powers, xandra stuck close to him. their other teamates started off as superhero friends but soon turned into irl friends too”

theres a headshot of lewis and jade. theyre both 17

“when lewis first decided to start being a vigilante,jade quickly found him and decided to help train himand offered to be a mentor of sorts, as they both have similar powers. that quickly derailed.”

“ cinder5555 said to someone-always-cares: How long does it usually take to make a comic page? I'm curious because they're so freaking good that they must take FOREVER”

theres a drawing of myself, a fluffy hair tired bastard in a hoodie, smiling

“Thanks! Ive been doing this shit since like 2017 and i still have no idea how long it takes me. i can get a page done in a day if i have nothing else to do or if its a simple page, but if i have work then maybe 2-3 days? i spend like, most of my free time doing this.“

another drawing of me, now looking frustrated muttering “how the FUCK does time work”

“but i can never do it all on one sitting.i will inevitably get distracted and zone out daydreaming mid drawing so its very hard to get an accurate read on how long it takes. so however long a piece of string is i guess“

the only qustion not from tumblr is a discord message from RuneStone Cabin:

“Q: Can you talk about the incidence of superpowers in this world? Like many people are supers, which powers are more or less common, how long they've been a thing for, stuff like that. Also does Omen know I'd die for them “

theres a drawing of omen pointing at a date circled on a calender marked “decembuary”, theyre saying “i know. i already wrote your death in my calender.”

then a giant wall of text reading: “Supers have only existed for a relativly short time, since the early 1940s. momento mori was the second person to have ever gained powers.

Only a small number of the population are supers! the chances are higher in more populated cities, but unusally london has oneof the higher percentages of supers. while nobody in universe has any idea of the origins of superpowers, it does seem that powers are more likely to occur in people who would actually use their powers.

as for what powers are most common, after making a badly catagorized spreadsheet of every superpowered character ive made for this world (70% of which will probably never even be seen), turns out that elemental powers are the most common. although not all elemental powers manifest as the straight up 'controling this element' as seen in characters like lin or tsunami. for example, iris's powers would fall under shadow elemntal powers, but theyre a lot more weird that just controlling shadows.there are some abilities that have never been seen before,such as ressurection or full on time travel (aka anything that could bring a character back to life), but powers are certainly allowed to toe the line eg healing, powers involving undeath, immortality, pausing or manipulating time.

aside from that, anything goes. you could get plain old superstrength, but you could also get the ability to create dogs with your mind. other not quite rules, more guidelines are that supers are immune to their own powers hurting them (unless they were pushing themselves too hard), although the way the imminuties occur may be inconvinient to the super.

while some powers may be 'more powerful' than others, powers dont really get to be way underpowered or overpowered in comparision to others. sure being able to talk to animals may feel a bit useless compared to someone who can lift 4 tanks at once, but nobodys going to end up with a power like 'can turn into a goose but only once' or 'can grow toenails twice as fast' or 'if i sneeze i can change my hair colour'. at the same time, youre not going to get someone with the power to snap their fingers and level a city, or instantly blow up the moon or whatever.

“Anonymous said to someone-always-cares: I love rami PLEASE tell me his favorite song(s) and why. I will die for you”

a drawing of rami saying out loud “i dont really have any specific favourite song, really? i just listen to whatever sounds catchy and then listen to that on repeat for hours until i hate it. i guess i do like upbeat songs? ones that make you feel happy even if the lyrics are sad”

“ un1c0rnhh said to someone-always-cares: tell me,,, please,, cam,,, are they a cat person or a dog person?? ily"

theres a drawing of cam a metre away from a cat lying down. she has her arm out and is making ‘psspsspss’ noises at it. end id]

FUCK i am so glad i didnt hand write all of that, it would have been a major pain in the ass to write it all and then have to transcribe all that next. but nope i could directly copy paste the asks and word answers. cheers if anyone made it this far down. if anyone wonders why this is uploaded late, you know now.

#sac #someone always cares #sorry to my friends i rambled to about the previosly mentioned attempt at catagorizing powers #i made a fucking spreadsheet and everything #it was awful #also it probably obvious but i still have yet to download the font i use to this computer #did i ever mention what i named the font when i made it #because its called 'dicks out for the void' or something #it was funny back in mid/late 2017 ok

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