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overnowsfcb · 6 months

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halfway out the door; fermín lópez

summary: fighting to keep a little flame alive underwater, you couldn't lose the only stable thing in your life

warnings: ANGST!!! (no good ending) mature language, mental health issues (panic attack, anxiety, emotional distress), relationship struggles, unhealthy dinamics, brief mention of smut themes. if any of these topics makes you uncomfortable, i advise against reading this story.

word count: 3,3k

note: hiii! it's me again, this time posting for my sweet boy (who is not as sweet in this story) fermín. im planning to do something with all the 1989 vault tracks x barça players. so take it as the first from the series!! also, apologies if the angst hits hard, promise to post fluff next time (its a bit of challenge for me haha) super excited about this and would love to hear your thoughts or suggestions! – venus 🫂💐🫧 p.s.: im so proud of this one tbh

He didn’t seem to have enough time for you anymore. You didn’t want to see the subtle twist, but you knew him all too well and an imperceptible change for everyone was an imposing earthquake in your world.

It was in the hours that your messages would be waiting for a response and the way he wasn’t starved to taste your lips anymore. Once, he’d find an excuse to be with you, even if only for brief minutes. He’d dash to your apartment bearing your favorite chocolate with the pretext of keeping you fed. A smile brightening and your stomach still produced the same fluttering butterflies, as the first time he kissed you underneath the moonlight at fourteen.

Back then, everything was perfect, the chill air in your faces as you ran with sand getting between your toes, you could still feel his timid hands and tender touch on your waist as you both shared a breathtaking kiss.

Your mother's words echoed - relationships don't last forever. You'd always dismissed her musings, attributing them to the bitterness stemming from your father's departure. But now, that thought held a glimmer of truth.

He was your soulmate, your solid backbone, he would hold the candles for you even if his arm grew weary, drawing strength from unimaginable places. Unseen pictures would fill his phone, capturing your candid moments, proudly setting you as his lock screen. One cherished memory stood out: a photo of you, pajama-clad, returning from a late-night ice cream run, a victorious smile on your face. You had lost a bet that day, darting to the store at 1 AM, just a street away from your building.

However, now everything appeared to be falling apart; the last picture in his gallery folder, titled 'I love, mine, mine, mine,' dated back to July, and it was already November. It contrasted the warmth of July with the chilling absence of recent affection.

Yearning for something to blame, tears seemed futile as memories replayed relentlessly, etched deep within your heart. Each sob felt like a painful reminder of the emptiness in the cold, desolate bed without him by your side. Staring at it blankly, your mind echoed the silent void, your chest tightening with every expelled breath.

Sleeping alone always felt unbearable. You reached for your phone, gazing at the lock screen displaying a snapshot of both of you in a summer pool. His outings with friends never bothered you; you accepted that he was now part of Barcelona's first team, and you weren't his priority. However, deep down, a simple goodnight message like "Sweet dreams, Pip, I love you" was all you silently longed for. Was it too much to ask from someone who claimed to love you?

The absence weighed heavily as you saw the clock strike 4 AM. This hour always induced a sense of dread, a time too late to sleep, opening the gates to wandering thoughts about life's choices. Moving to Barcelona for him might have been a hasty decision.

In Sevilla, there wasn't much to lose. Your little town overwhelmed you, especially under the weight of your living nightmare, your mother and her pursuit of perfection. That was until she married your toddler brother’s father, her focus shifted almost forgetting about your existence.

He was your escape from that suffocating environment. Initially, it felt liberating, but gradually, it became confining again. The cage expanded as you became his pillar while his name was in everyone’s mouth, especially girls who found him attractive. The weight of being his support, witnessing the attention he received, caused an internal storm. But he wouldn’t change you, right? Yet, the conflict brewed within, the tug-of-war between being the support he needed and holding onto your own identity.

You grew tired of waiting for him, tossing and turning in bed for ten minutes, before finally succumbing to sleep, cocooned in blankets to ward off the cold.

Abruptly opening your eyes, hours later, your body spasmed and your heart raced, reflecting the recent struggles with sleep these days. Observing to your side, relief washed over you; he lay there peacefully, an arm draped over your waist.

Tears welled in your eyes, a sense of loss filling your chest. Deeply in love, you realized your first waking thought was about him, albeit taking a negative turn.

What if I lose him? What if I lost the lighthouse in the middle of the sea? The uncertainty of the waters and the potential fall weighed heavily.

You wanted to get back to those times when you smiled as you landed your eyes, his body next to you, where blonde strands of messy hair framed his face and you delicately organized them while you talked and kissed every morning, staying in bed like an old married couple, feeling each other's warmth, laughter used to fill the air as he playfully booped your nose.

The weight of invisible hands squeezed your chest, making each breath a desperate gasp for air.

You didn't want to feel this anxiety; your breath became erratic. Rushing to the terrace, you breathed as if your mind forewarned a trailer of what has to be.

Struggling to regain control, your hands tightened on the cold railing, a reminder of the grounding reality you struggled to grasp.

Peering down, the height induced paralysis, intensifying your vertigo. "y/n, estás bien?" (are you okay?) His concerned voice, muffled and distant, struggled to penetrate the thick fog of panic, fear rooted you in place, afraid the floor would fall through if you made a step.

"Amor, háblame." (darling, talk to me) He approached, unsure. This panic attack was the first in years. His hand on your shoulder offered reassurance like an anchor, and you emerged from the state, meeting his gaze with your tear-stained eyes; he was still your gentleman. He was still yours.

And you needed to repeat it to stave off madness.

"Abrázame," (hug me) you whispered in a fragile plea. His arms enveloped you, he was the refuge that you needed; his familiar scent eased your breathing.

His head on yours, he sought to share his heartbeat, attempting to quell the sudden anxiety and the questions that haunted your mind. His furrowed brows hinted at his confusion, but conversation could wait. For now, it was about you. The one who never failed him; he couldn't fail you now.

When your body distended completely, he gently guided you back to bed. You clung to him, as if he could run away at any moment.

You walked to your side of the bed and he tucked you in like no one ever did before, leaving a sweet kiss on your forehead, an attempt to dissipate the negativity.

“What time is it?” you inquired, looking up at him.

“Six a.m., sleep. ok?” He stroked your head, and your eyes closed under the weight of fatigue. “I love you so much.”

Days passed after the incident. He chose not to ask more about the reason behind your anxiety, he decided to act as if everything was fine.

This didn't imply he lacked concern for you, but it certainly felt that way. His demeanor towards you was still unchanged.

Feelings unaddressed hung in the air, manifesting in the cold kisses and the superficial small talk that never deepened. But, in front of everyone, you maintained the façade, accepting compliments from everyone about your seemingly perfect relationship. Only if they knew the underlying truth…

Yet, you personally sensed his gradual withdrawal, a palpable feeling of him slipping through your fingers. The strain became evident as you found yourself having to repeat things that were important to you at least three times, only for him to continually forget. Or the lackluster pecks he gave you, making you feel pathetic.

Although feeling unwanted, you weren't a resentful person, so you would religiously sit in the stands at every game and witness how he gained fan's hearts with outstanding performances on the pitch, earning the title of man of one of the champions league matches and you loved how the stadium echoed his name as he made an incredible goal.

You found joy in his happiness, doing his thing with the team of his dreams. In that moment, your mind transported into a different time – those moments when you stood by his side, offering comfort during his moments of self-doubt, back when he believed his dreams would forever be just that – dreams.

His satisfaction meant the world to you. Meeting him as he emerged from the dressing room, already showered, you couldn't help but admire how his wet hair framed his face.

A big smile adorned his face as he approached you. Opening your arms, your bodies collided as he effortlessly lifted you spinning around, creating a whirlwind of laughter that filled the air.

Once he gently set you down, you couldn't contain your pride. Cupping his cheeks, you locked eyes with him. The sense of accomplishment and joy was overwhelming. Your lips met his in a deep, meaningful kiss – one that hadn't been shared in weeks, but in that moment, it felt like the perfect reunion.

You believed this moment marked a fresh start, a much-needed rejuvenation to propel you forward. That optimistic outlook, however, disintegrated after he bid you farewell at your apartment, scrolling through TikTok on your couch, a video of his post-match interview caught your eye, and an involuntary smile crept onto your face.

His voice echoed through the video, captivating in its beauty. The interviewer's final question lingered in the air, "Who are you going to celebrate this with?" Anticipating a mention of teammates, family, and you, you were bewildered as the final words left his mouth – your name conspicuously absent.

And in that instant, the realization struck: he hadn't kept his promise to do a heart gesture to include you in his celebration either. But you decided to let it slide; perhaps it was the adrenaline coursing through his veins that caused him to forget, and you were willing to overlook it.

You turned on the TV to avoid your thoughts. He no longer watched movies with you, and lately, the time you spent together felt like his phone held more allure than anything you did to catch his attention.

Without even mentioning that he wasn't fucking you lately, offering excuses of exhaustion from training or unexpectedly halting any progress when things got heated and leaving your folds wet.

But still, your mouth stayed shut, justifying every action. What you didn't know is that only one drop was missing in the glass before it overflowed – the last straw.

And eventually, the bomb exploded in the least suitable scenario. You stood by his side, his arm around your waist, desperately wanting to take his hand out and shout your feelings in front of everyone.

You didn't want to be there; you longed to be at home with your fluffy cat, who offered more comfort than Fermín did in these past months.

He was so smooth about it, engrossed in the conversation with his friends, seemingly oblivious to your distress. You whispered in his ear that you needed to get home, you weren’t feeling at your best, the strobe lights blinding you, the music pulsating louder than your heartbeat. It felt like water was reaching your nose, and you feared you'd stop breathing any moment.

Yet, you stayed, like a naive girl striving to make everything perfect for her lovely gentleman. But was still that gentleman who put you above all else?

The voices and laughter from his friends overwhelmed you. While you genuinely liked them and had never encountered an issue before, this night seemed a challenge you couldn't survive.

Your gaze darted around, hoping for a savior amid the sea of faces. But there was no one.

The air seemed to get thinner, and your chest constricted, as if locked in a slowly tight embrace. The blue dress discomforting your skin, felt like an additional layer of confinement, fantasizing to shed not only the fabric but also the skin beneath.

It was as if transparent walls were materializing around you, and this was the moment to escape a place to which you didn't belong, feeling like a misplaced puzzle piece, you watched him again with pleading eyes, silently urging him to notice you.

“Fer, really, I need to go home.” You whispered, careful not to let his friends overhear. He scanned your gestures, it took him a few seconds to realize that something about you was off. You wish he had seen it earlier.

Everything he did was later than you needed it, when he did the things, you have already fixed yourself into the uncomfortable.

“Okay, let's go.” He nodded and he finally took out his hand off your waist, allowing a momentary exhale. Greetings were exchanged with his friends and you reciprocated, not wanting to show an impolite image.

Almost running, your feet propelled you outside of the disco, pushing people out of your way, without waiting for Fermín.

The doors swung shut behind you, plunging the abrupt silence upon your ears. Relief washed over you.

Closing your eyes, you took deep breaths. You needed to hold yourself like the grown woman you were and not cry. As the doors swung open and closed again, you turned to find Fermín, a frown etched across his face.

“Why didn't you wait for me?” his voice held a trace of anger, making you shiver. Realizing the street wasn't the place for such a conversation, you began walking towards the car, your feet aching from the high heels worn that night.

He hurried to catch up, the tension palpable. When the car alarm reached your ears, signaling it was unlocked, you opened the door and entered as quickly as you could.

Sitting there, attempting to adjust to sudden silence, you sensed his presence beside you.

Leaning back into the headrest, you brought your hands on your face.

He started talking again. “What's going on you?” you hesitated to face him, reluctant to confront those expressive brown eyes you memorized like the back of your hand.

As he insisted again to hear a response, anger got to your head. Without warning, you exploded, all the carefully restrained words meant to preserve your relationship pouring into a torrent.

“I'm just so damn exhausted! I feel like I'm invisible. I ache to be seen, to matter in your eyes again. I’ve been here, baring my soul, and it feels like you're a million miles away.” Your scream echoed, tears smudging your makeup. You saw the weight of his actions settling on him as his eyes reflected comprehension. A sob escaped your lips, he stood frozen. “I'm just asking you to hear me, to truly see me, and realize that I'm shattering inside because I've already fought too much alone for the person who I thought I would marry.”

He shook his head, a boy who had always the right words now seemed that they left their mind, leaving him defenseless. A hesitant pause filled the car.

Lips parted, but the sentences seemed to dissipate before finding form. It was as if they were navigating a maze of thoughts, searching for the right words to offer comfort or understanding, yet coming up empty-handed.

You got tired of waiting, you've been doing it for such a long time, you almost felt old. But if he just opened his mouth, you knew you would forgive him. “Let's go home.” You whispered, disappointed about a man who you were calling the love of your life.

He gripped the steering wheel and hit the road. Memories flooded back of the anecdotes shared in that white car, now slipping through your fingers like ash.

You pondered the absence of rain, almost expecting the heavens to open up. Wasn't it obligatory for the sky to weep when something magical began succumbing to rationalism?

When you arrived at the house, he finally was able to speak. “I'm so sorry for everything that I caused you.” He didn't know if physical contact would be well received from you. So he gripped even more the steering wheel, needing to make something with his hands, getting out the tension.

“What happened to us, Fer?” your heart-wrenching question hitting him. You were already talking in past tense.

There wasn't an exit for this situation, and he knew that. He wished he could build a time travel machine and make everything alright, fix the first mistake that led to this big snow ball that was making an avalanche. “I-I don't know.”

“I think I'm coming back to Sevilla.” you confessed, stepping out of the car. Your headache due to the tears that you've been letting out and your eyes were puffy.

As you stood outside the car, the quiet suburban street provided a bleak contrast to the storm raging within your emotions.

Fermín, still gripping the steering wheel, searched for words that could somehow mend the gashes that had formed between you two. The realization of the inevitable distance settled on him like a heavy cloak.

“I never meant for it to come to this,” he finally uttered, voice heavy with remorse. “I let things slip away, and I can't forgive myself for that.”

You, caught between the pain and the need for resolution, gazed at him with a mixture of sorrow and longing. The familiar surroundings of the neighborhood seemed to transform into a backdrop for the end of something significant. You already knew you were never coming back here.

In the distance, a streetlamp flickered, casting intermittent shadows on the pavement. You took a deep breath, the chill in the air stinging your lungs, and said, “Sometimes, we have to go back to move forward.”

His eyes, filled with regret, met yours. “Is there anything I can do to make things right?”

But the answer remained unsaid, it wouldn't be fair to give him instructions and keep rowing and carrying him while he was just there. Wounds were already too deep and your energy was drained.

You turned away, the distance between Sevilla and this quiet street growing smaller in comparison to the emotional gap that now separated you two.

The door creaked shut, marking the end of a chapter that perhaps, in the unfathomable depths of your heart you didn't want to admit that you anticipated it.

In the solitude of your apartment, surrounded by echoes of shared laughter and the ghost of a love that once flourished, you confronted the daunting task of rebuilding your world. The faint glow from the streetlamp outside cast a melancholic light on the remnants of what was.

Fermín, still parked, felt the shared years withering in the blink of an eye, something you had been discerning for a torturing amount of time. The engine hummed softly, an averse companion to the lingering regret in the air. As he drove away, the distance between your hearts seemed insurmountable.

You watched as Blaugrana, your Calico fluffy cat, approached you unawarely of everything surrounding her, you sat on the wooden floor with her purring next to you. The sparkle of her collar made you remember how your life was bound to be lived with Fermín forever, in that collar your initials were carved. You didn't want to fall back to this cruel reality.

You even commanded yourself to religion to save your relationship, months before. Night after night, you poured the essence of your yearning into prayers addressed to Aphrodite, beseeching her to weave the threads of love and passion back into your relationship, to restore its former glory. Each whispered plea carried the weight of your sincere desire, a desperate hope that the goddess of love might heed your call and guide your connection to the blissful days of yore.

But even that didn't work. And you realized the hug of what you thought would be a fresh start unraveled into the deceptive clarity of terminal lucidity. Now you would hear the eternal melancholic tone of the complete loss of vital signs. Forever.

#fermin lopez x reader #fermin lopez #fermin lopez angst #football angst #football x reader #gavi x reader #pedri x reader #fermin lopez imagine #fermin lopez x you #football imagine

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brf-rumortrackinganon · 5 months

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The DM's Excerpts - Charles III: New King, New Court

Robert Hardman (who also wrote Queen of Our Times, published 2022) has written a new book about the British Royal Family. The Daily Mail is serializing parts of the book over four days, from 12 - 15 January 2024. Here are the links. If anyone has any others, feel free to share them in the comments.

If you don't want to give the DM clicks, I've included highlights below. (My browser doesn't recognize archive.vn or archive.ph as a valid domain so I can't create or access those links.)

TL;DR--

The day the Queen died, 12 Jan 2024

Secret summits over making Charles regent in Queen's last years, 13 Jan 2024

How the royals have dealt with a torrent of allegations from Harry and Meghan, 14 Jan 2024

Harmdan's intimate portrait of a woman who dances at Abba concerts, jabs the King with her handbag and 'knows when to wink at a bishop,' 15 Jan 2024

Excerpt #1, 12 Jan 2024

Highlights:

The last time most of her staff saw The Queen was at the pre-dinner cocktails the evening of September 6th. She was happy, chatty, and in a good mood. (September 6th was the Boris Johnson-Liz Truss transition.)

It was sheer luck that Anne and Peter were at Balmoral during this time. Anne was passing through for work, Peter was preparing for a shooting party he was going to host over the weekend (which ended up cancelled). Also Sarah Chatto was nearby.

On September 7th, The Queen planned to attend the Privy Council meeting as it involved new Cabinet officials being installed. She eventually cancelled on medical advice. This was the first signal to many that she wasn't doing well.

Charles and Camilla were on the western side of Scotland for a series of engagements September 7 - September 8. The morning of September 8, Anne called Charles to come to Balmoral at once. On the helicopter to Balmoral, everyone was reviewing the Operation London Bridge papers. They arrived at Birkhall around 10:30am and traveled to Balmoral in a borrowed car.

William was called around breakfast time and informed of the situation, including that was on his way to Balmoral. Charles himself called William (and Andrew, Edward, and Harry) that they should also come. After Charles's calls, Kensington Palace began coordinating with Royal Lodge (Andrew's office*) and Bagshot Park (Edward's office*) on travel to Scotland. William and KP did not reach out to the Sussexes because betrayal, and they felt the responsibility should have been on the Sussexes to make contact. (*Not really their offices, but it's the easiest way to keep them separate so you know who I'm talking about.)

Everyone was disturbed by Harry's inclusion of these events, especially the "Meghan's not coming/she's my wife/Kate's not coming either/that's all you had to say" bit, in his memoir. Harry's recollection of how he was notified of The Queen's death isn't true - he claims no one was talking to him but actually Charles and the palace had been trying to reach him repeatedly. The calls weren't going through because he was in the air. (Interesting that he'd check the BBC first as opposed to calling back after seeing a dozen of missed calls...or not springing for the wifi package...)

Liz Truss, the new PM, was in a G7 conference call on September 8th when she was notified of the situation in Scotland. She bowed out of the call early and quickly. The G7 leaders knew what was happening.

Charles was rather close to Balmoral when he received the call that The Queen had passed. William, Andrew, Edward, and Sophie were on the way to Balmoral from the Aberdeen airport. Charles called them himself to let them know.

The Archbishop of Canterbury was in France on a personal holiday. He and his wife began preparing to return home after seeing the palace's first statement about The Queen's health. They drove home overnight so Welby could make an address in the morning.

Excerpt #2, 13 Jan 2024

Highlights:

The Queen had been quite ill in her final year. She knew and was aware her time was ending that summer.

A regency would have been created had she lived as long as The Queen Mother because everyone was fearful of a health condition flaring up in public.

Planning for Charles's accession and coronation began in 2015. Sir Alderton, his private secretary, created a "training video" of the accession/transition then that Charles, Camilla, and William watched in the evening of September 8th during their private dinner at Birkhall, while Princess Anne hosted the rest of the family at Balmoral. If Harry wasn't such a dick (my word, not Hardman's), he'd have been part of the Birkhall dinner but he wasn't and there were very serious concerns he would write about it in Spare.

The announcement of The Queen's death was delayed because family members hadn't been informed yet. (I think it was Harry they were waiting on, per the events in the first article.)

The royals were very touched by the outpouring of public affection for The Queen, themselves, and their family. Camilla was struck by how supportive the crowd was of her. Anne was touched by the tractors, horses, and the crowds that lined the roads in Scotland. It was a six hour drive, and she and Tim had had snacks in their car but they both felt it would have been rude to everyone that came to see the procession and pay their respects to be seen eating.

Camilla sobbed through Charles's first speech.

The Privy Council were concerned that the political upheaval in the government would cause problems for the accession, transition, and royal mourning.

It was William's idea for him, Kate, and the Sussexes to do the Windsor walkabout together. He organized it in two hours. No one found it easy or enjoyable.

Excerpt #3, 14 Jan 2024

Highlights:

The Queen felt she had to say 'yes' when Harry contacted her about naming his daughter Lilibet and she was very angry with him for it. (Reading between the lines, it sounds like the decision was presented by the Sussexes as "fait accompli" and The Queen took offense.)

The Sussexes tried to force the palace to go along with their version (that they had asked The Queen for permission) but the palace refused to play. They also tried to intimidate the press with legal action if anyone didn't report "their" version of events, even going so far as threatening the BBC with a lawsuit.

Everyone at the palace rolled their eyes about the Sussexes getting the RFK "Ripple of Hope Award." They felt that the "legacy" the Sussexes were being rewarded for was laughable, especially when compared to Charles's work.

The Caribbean gets its news through the US media. (I believe this confirms the theory that Sussex PR influenced the Caribbean's coverage of the Royal Family)

William saw Harry's comments in the Netflix documentary that they're expected to marry someone who fits the mold as an attack on Kate and he's been furious since. He feels betrayed by Harry having discussed their relationship so freely, thinks it's an intrusion of privacy.

Neither William nor Kate have read Spare but they are aware of what's being said and their staffs have briefed them.

Harry's version of events when The Queen Mother died is totally made up. (In Spare, Harry says he was alone, it was springtime just before Easter, and he took the call himself, but actually he was in Switzerland skiing with Charles and William and all three were told together by an aide.)

It's very suspicious that Spare largely skips May 2018 - March 2020. The palace thinks it'll be covered in the second version or Meghan's memoir.

The door is open for Harry and Meghan to return but they'll have to make the first steps since Charles has given up.

Anne's seat the coronation in front of Harry was a last-minute change so she could leave more quickly after the service in the procssion. She was concerned about keeping her hat on since it was "decent-sized" but she was told to keep it on.

Excerpt #4, 15 Jan 2024 - TBD

Highlights

It's been a difficult transition to Queen for Camilla, but everyone believes she handled it well. Her family finds it surreal.

Camilla doesn't mind being second fiddle to Charles.

She still has her Wiltshire home, Ray Mill, which she bought after divorcing Andrew PB. She still visits and stays there to this day.

Everyone walks a bit on eggshells around Charles because he's a bit temperamental, but Camilla steadies him.

Camilla likes her rooms hot. Charles like his rooms cold and windows open.

Charles skips lunch. Camilla does not.

Camilla keeps Charles running on time when he gets chatty.

Camilla is hands-on with her charities and patronage.

I find her sister is overstaying her welcome. After her starring role in the coronation documentary and now her interviews with Hardman for the book, it's too much and feels like she's trying too hard.

Other stories by Hardman from his book:

Foreign Office officials 'ditched buses for dignitaries' at coronation after backlash at the Queen's funeral, 13 Jan 2024

Brigadier who helped carry Queen's coffin was at a wedding in Corfu, 13 Jan 2024

Queen's funeral rehearsal was a comedy of errors as even the band went AWOL, 13 Jan 2024

Prince Andrew could be 'far more damaging outside the loop,' 14 Jan 2024

The DM's other royal reporters - Martin Robinson, Rebecca English, Natasha Livingstone - are publishing "recaps" of Hardman's excerpts. Some of Rebecca English's stories are augmented by her own sources. Here are a few:

Insiders revewal how the Queen was so upset by Harry and Meghan's Lilibet decision that she told aides 'the only thing I own is my name. And now they've taken that': The royal row taht troubled Her Majesty in twilight of her reign, 15 Jan 2024

'For William, this was the lwoest of the low,' 15 Jan 2024

Camilla was given the affection nickname 'Lorraine' before seh became Queen, 14 Jan 2024

Harry and Meghan likely caused Queen 'distress' in her final years over naming of baby Lilibet, 15 Jan 2024

The Queen's final years were overshadowed by Harry and Meghan's hunger for publicity, 15 Jan 2024

Also, these are reminding me of some things Harry and Meghan (Harry mostly) have claimed and Hardman's articles are debunking them. I need to do a bit of research to check if the dates on what I'm remembering line up with the timeline Hardman is presenting. I'll do a separate post on that since this is already quite long.

#brf #rumors #theories #robert hardman

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llyfrenfys · 11 months

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Followers- Dw i angen eich help / I need your help

This is a post I've been sitting on for a while and it's time I finally write it to let you all know how I am, where I'm at and the progress of Prosiect Llyfr Enfys.

So, as I alluded to in previous posts, I had a health scare at the end of May which landed me in the hospital. I've spent June recovering from that and dealing with a few life changes as well (which I will talk about later).

Unfortunately, me and my partner had to deal with an unexpected bill of £200 this month which had to come directly out of my savings and is a huge chunk of it.

I've been doing research in preparation for hopefully doing a Masters at Aberystwyth in September on the topic of LGBTQ+ Welsh terminology before the 20th Century. My undergraduate dissertation was on the topic of 20th-21st Century LGBTQ+ Welsh terminology (which is currently unmarked due to the marking boycott). Hopefully after graduation I can share it with you. But my research into older terminology means needing to travel to different archives and libraries in Wales, which at the minute, I just can't afford. The closest place would be Bangor, but I have no money to spare at the minute and Prosiect Llyfr Enfys is not funded by any scheme or grant- it's currently all funded by myself.

For the first time in my life, I've been considering using a food bank. We're not quite at that stage yet, but it's precarious. It's another unexpected bill away from a critical situation.

Currently, my monthly expenses for anything related to the dictionary totals around £40 (subscriptions to archives, libraries, genealogy research tools) which have been instrumental in my work. For example, I couldn't have written my articles for Hanes LHDT+ Cymru without access to ancestry sites or online newspaper archives. This does not include other expenses such as bus tickets to get to the National Library of Wales when I need to, or costs of purchasing dictionaries in order to source them in my work.

All of this is to say that i need your help:

I have a patreon which I will be posting in next in July- if you enjoy Prosiect Llyfr Enfys and want to help keep it going, please consider subscribing today by clicking the link above or in my bio. The lowest tier is affordable and if you have the cash to spare, will enable me to keep on working on the project. If you want to make a one-time donation, I'm considering enabling tips on tumblr for those who would prefer that.

If enough people are able to subscribe to keep the project going, I can start to make some concrete plans for a trip to Bangor and share my journey with you all and involve you in the trip. If I'm unable to raise enough funds, I will have to make the decision to pause the project until after my Master's. I do not currently have a publisher, which is also a big factor in that decision, if I need to make it.

All your support is greatly appreciated- if you cannot donate, please share this post.

As ever, huge huge diolch yn fawr to everyone who has supported the project so far- with your help, we can get this dictionary published to help benefit the whole Welsh LGBTQ+ community and beyond.

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britany1997 · 8 months

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It’s been awhile

I wanted to pop on real quick, offer an explanation and answer some questions for y’all (assuming y’all haven’t forgotten about me in the past two months lmao) after I post this I’m hoping back off again.

First of course, I’d like to thank y’all for over 1000 followers and over 1,100 notes on If You Give A Vampire A Cookie… it’s good to know people still enjoy my work.

Anyway, recently I’ve been taking my mental health more seriously. I’ve been working through some stuff in therapy (yay therapy!) and I’m slowly getting better. That being said, tumblr really isn’t the best place for me, mental health wise. Unfortunately it feeds my need for external validation in a kind of unhealthy way, when I don’t get it, I feel empty, or like I’m not enough. Tumblr also feeds my people pleasing tendencies, I find it really hard to say no (even to requests I genuinely don’t want to write) and I find it hard to set boundaries, I’m working on that, but you’ll need to be patient with me. Right now I’m working on putting on my own oxygen mask before putting on anyone else’s.

That being said, here are some answers to some questions you may have:

Am I coming back anytime soon?

No probably not. Aside from my mental health stuff, school is crazy right now, even harder and more involved than last year. I don’t have the time or motivation to write and I don’t know when I will again. Sorry.

Am I coming back ever?

Yes, I plan to. My stories need endings. I still have lots of plans for things I haven’t finished, especially for Fate Yields For No One. I do plan to return for writing, but I can’t give you a date or time on that right now. And when I do come back, it won’t be in the same way as before. It’s not good for me to be on here as constantly as I was. I like writing, but I like living in the real world more. I hope you can understand.

While I wait, can I run your stuff through AI?

Abso-fucking-lutely not. If you do, I will find out, and I will block you. No exceptions. I’m giving my adamant and express negative consent. Don’t fucking do it.

When will requests open again?

Not for a long long time, maybe never. When I do return to writing, I wanna focus on writing the stories I wanna write. I plan on finishing the requests I have already (from July I think, but nothing after the last time I opened them. If requests are closed, they’re closed) and finishing the stories I’ve started. Anything else is gonna come from my brain.

Am I ok?

Eh kinda, but I’m getting better and that’s what matters.

Thanks❤️

#the lost boys #lost boys #lost boys fic #hiatus

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am-i-the-asshole-official · 11 months

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AITA for demanding my extended family do more to help care for my grandmother?

Demand may not be the right word but I’ll let you decide.

So some info and context before I get into it. My grandmother is 90 and was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer in March. She was given 6-10 months to live. I have one sibling and 6 cousins. My grandmother has 3 living children. I am the youngest (23) the other grandchildren range in age from 27-41. My father and I live close to her and my uncle and his two children live like an hour away. Everyone else is roughly 1800 miles away. My uncle and cousins that live an hour away never spend time with her. She sees them like twice a year. They will not pick up their phones when she calls. They have lied to her in the past saying that events were canceled when they were not because they didn’t want her there. Every single time in the past 4 years that I ask them to do literally anything for her they tell if it’s that important I can do it myself. In 2019 my grandfather died so I quit my job and moved in with my grandmother so she wouldn’t be alone. I planned his funeral and did everything I could to help her. I moved out at the end of 2021 because my dad moved in and I can’t live with him. I go to her house at least 5 days a week to help because my dad does very little for her. I am disabled and I have had major struggles due to that. I am the closest to my grandmother because of living with her and taking care of her. However I did not have a good relationship with her until I was 19. My dad is her least favorite child (I’m not exaggerating she literally says this) and she hated my mom and treated her like crap until 2 years ago. She does not treat anyone else like this. She adores my aunt and uncle and thinks their children are perfect and has always had good relationships with them.

Now that you have some more context here’s the situation. I applied for an out of state job in January and got an offer that I accepted the week before my grandmother was diagnosed with cancer. I was supposed to move at the end of May but I moved it until the end July so I would be able to get her situated but that’s the absolute latest I can put it off for. I’m finally at a point that my health is stable enough that I can start actually building my own life. This is an extremely good opportunity that I’ll probably never get again if I pass it up. I’ve been struggling trying to find time to get all my stuff taken care because I do so much over there. My dad and aunt have now taken to saying I’m being selfish for moving. They say I’m the closest and everyone else has a life (job, relationships, kids etc.) so it’s unfair for me to leave her alone when no one else can help. They also said that I’m going to regret not helping or spending time with her. This is when I started getting really pissed. I told them I have been taking care of and spending time with her for the past 3 years. Her other son that lives 40 miles away can help he’s just choosing not to. I told them that they need to figure their shit out on their own. I said that there’s 3 kids and 8 grandkids and I’m the youngest but someone how I’m expected to do the most and I’m not allowed to have a life but everyone else is. They threw in my face that I’m disabled so any life I try to build for myself will fall apart anyway so it’s not the same as my cousins who can maintain it. They kept saying that everyone is so much farther and I’m being unreasonable. I lost it at this point and pointed out that there’s 3 other people who can be here easily that need to start caring because she’s literally dying. Why would you not spend time with someone you know is dying. Also my cousins that live far are all capable of making a trip her to see her and help for a week or so. They all have very well paying jobs, own at least one home and take 3-6 vacations a year. They have the money and time. They can skip a cruise or trip to see their dying grandmother. This is when I found one of them has been in this state fairly close 4 or 5 times to see a friend and will not tell my grandmother because he doesn’t want to “waste his time off” spending time with her. I told my aunt and dad that they have to figure this shit out on their own because I’m absolutely not giving up this huge opportunity when there is 10 other people that refuse to do shit. My grandmother does not want me to give up this job and stay here. She wants me to go so she can see at least some of life I’m trying to build. My mom is backing me up and saying they need to do more instead of putting it all on me. Everyone else in the family is saying I’m a selfish asshole that needs to suck it up and do what I’m supposed to instead of expecting them to drop everything.

So am I the asshole here???

What are these acronyms?

#aita #am i the asshole

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nicohverse · 1 month

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April Update - Merch Designs and Last Call for Preorders!

Hi everyone! It's been a minute, huh? Sorry about that! After releasing Beloved Ghost I got to work on merch designs, but other things kept coming up, getting in the way, and well... If you've played the first game, seen the themes of this series, it should be no surprise that I do tend to give myself deadlines that get thwarted by my health. Even right now, I'm writing this update with a pounding headache...

Still, progress has been made! I'll be sharing the merch designs later in this update, along with a link to preorder individual pieces if you missed it during the active campaign. Besides the merch, I've been getting started on commissions- If you're expecting one, get excited! This along with the usual work on Entropic Float 2 itself, of course... And events! I amazingly got to meet a few fans of Entropic Float at Connecticut Gamer Con earlier this month, and if you'd like to join their ranks, I'm confirmed to be tabling at Holyoke Pride in June as well as both Springfield Comic Con and Connecticon in July!

Now, on to the designs! These are the new merch items available in reward fulfillment, but it's not too late! If one of these items wasn't in your reward tier, or you couldn't afford it as an add-on at survey time, or you just didn't realize till now that you want it? Preorders are still open on my etsy shop until May 13th!

Let's go smallest to largest here- The key for the stickerpack! This will be included with the stickers, and the stickers will be included with every physical reward tier. If you'd like the stickers, but only bought a digital reward and don't plan to preorder anything else, just reach out to me~ Especially since I can ship them with STAMPS for CHEAP INTERNATIONAL if you're willing to FORGO A TRACKING NUMBER! Every stickerpack contains ALL of these characters~

Next up, the aluminum pin badges! These eight add to the eighteen already available which reference EF1 endings. Four for EF2's endings (hm, I wonder what these could mean?), one Beloved Ghost badge in the Mesteri Moas, one more EF1 badge with The ~LUMP~, and two additional EF2 badges with the Possum Pal and CROWNPRIMROSE campaign badge! These were offered with most physical reward tiers, but can also be preordered for just $3 each.

New acrylic keychains! These, likewise, are in addition to the existing four that have been available since the shop first opened. Shinjiro, JJ, Cobalt, and Renfield were all requested by specific backers at survey time! They're $8 each to preorder, if you're just now realizing you want them as well~

Acrylic standees! Little guys to stand on your shelf or your desk or wherever! 50mm circular base, 90mm tall, these secret fullbodies are always included by the wonderful Soyokaze when commissioning titlescreens~ It's $15 to preorder a small friend.

Last but certainly not least- Throw Pillow Plushies! 40cm in size, these are shaped pillows with the designs printed on them in a plush fabric. We're not quite big enough to go full-blown plushie, but these things are still super adorable! These were only included at the highest reward tiers, so if you'd like to get your hands on one of these, it's a $25 preorder!

That's all for now! As always, thank you for reading, and I'll update you again soon!

#entropic float #visual novel #visual novel gamedev #gamedev #indie games #official content #indie gamedev #vndev #letters to a beloved ghost #merch #gamedev support

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m7z · 5 months

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In memoriam

I spent the last 30 minutes or so skimming through my Tumblr archive from 2011-2012 trying to find a post I know I wrote about my paternal grandparents’ love story, but I couldn’t find it. I probably moved it to another blog at some point and deleted it here. Along the way though I found all these other memories from my early 20s, such as my coming out/confession letter to a best friend from high school, many reblogs of sappy quotes/graphics/book snippets/lyrics, reblogs of photos of places I wanted to visit (many of which I’ve now been to), songs I liked, tech news from the era (like the death of Steve Jobs), political news from the era (like marriage equality, and Barack Obama’s reelection), many reblogs about Glee, my own photos from my early days of living in San Francisco (and interning at Twitter)… All of which is to say, it captured this whole era of my life from ~10 years ago that, in retrospect, was quite pivotal.

The reason I went looking for that post is because I found out yesterday that my grandpa passed away. My dad texted me and tried to call when I was in the middle of a work meeting. I registered the text but didn’t respond, and then called back after. It was the middle of the night in China at the time (around 2am), and he learned the news earlier when my aunt had called him, and she’d been notified by the staff at the seniors home where my grandpa had been living.

As I processed the news and decided on my plans, I told people the context that he had suffered a series of strokes and had been on the decline since last summer, so this news didn’t come as a shock. This is in contrast to my paternal grandma’s passing in January 2022 (also January) from a heart attack which was sudden, quick, and utterly shocking. As the matriarch of our family, her death had hit everyone really hard then.

At his passing, my grandpa was in his late 80s, possibly 87 or 88. Which is objectively quite a remarkable achievement for someone born into the chaos of 1930s war torn China to a poor rural/farming family. He joined the communist army as an accountant/admin, and then the local police after the war, and then worked at the state hemp/cotton company until retirement. He and my grandma met in their 20s, fell in love and got married despite oppositions (this is the story I had posted about that I was looking for), had 2 kids and 2 grandkids (one of which is me), traveled, had health issues and took care of each other, and grew old together.

I realized yesterday that I wasn’t reacting as emotionally as I did to my grandma’s passing — one because he’d been on the decline, and my dad/aunt thought he almost wasn’t going to make it after his last severe stroke in July. I think I had emotionally prepared for this back then, and so expected this to happen at some point. The other reason is that his quality of life in this last year, after these strokes, had become quite poor. He couldn’t eat or talk or walk, and had become reduced to almost just skin and bones. It had become painful to see him in this state, and I’m glad he’s not suffering anymore.

However, at the same time I still feel sad and regretful because I was hoping to see him at least one more time. Even though he hasn’t been able to speak since July, and he didn’t really recognize anyone anymore… even so, I was hoping he'd hang on until I visited again.

When my grandma passed in 2022, the pandemic, travel restrictions, and lack of flight options had made it virtually impossible to travel back. The last time I visited China was October 2019. Since then, in the last few years when we called, they’d almost always ask when I can go back again. My grandpa did this all the way up until his last stroke in July when he couldn’t speak anymore. When the pandemic largely ended in 2022, I’d always say “soon”, even knowing it was impractical with the Chinese government's onerous visa policies. When they finally reinstated the pre-pandemic visitor visa policies in March 2023, I started to say that I'll go back during the summer, then the fall, then the winter, then the spring. One reason is that the flight options were both expensive and inconvenient, but the larger reason is that I prioritized other plans in my life. I'm not sure where I could've squeezed it in, but I do regret that I didn’t try harder to visit sooner.

Circling back on the whole “eras of my life” thread — I always felt like as long as my grandparents were around, I still feel like a kid in some way. They treated me like one, still babied me whenever I visited or called, and would remind me of funny anecdotes from my childhood. I know I’m pretty lucky to have gotten 30+ years with almost all 4 grandparents in my life. I also know I’m lucky that they loved me as much as they did — because not all of my friends had the kind of close relationships I did/do with their grandparents.

Growing up, I was always pretty close to my grandparents, more so to my grandma who I genuinely enjoyed talking to and would call regularly, but I have many fond memories with my grandpa too.

I recall when my family first immigrated to Canada, I would cry about missing them. Later when I went back to visit as a teenager, I would cry on the flight back to Canada.

My grandpa liked to write simple rhyming poems after he retired, liked to drink and smoke and only quit in his 60s, and liked to sing Chinese opera. One year for my birthday, he wrote a “hidden message” poem where the first word of each verse added together would say “happy birthday <my Chinese name>”.

One really special memory of him I have is when I was in kindergarten, and during afternoon nap time (which I hated) he showed up unexpectedly and took me out of school. We didn’t live in the same city but he was in my city for a work trip, and he’d decided to take me out of kindergarten early that day so we could spend time together. I remember it feeling so unexpectedly awesome — one because I was doing something I wasn’t supposed to (skip school) but also because of the surprise visit itself.

The only time I felt emotional yesterday was when my mom told me how, even though I won’t be able to attend the funeral, I could pay my respects at both of my grandparents’ gravesites when I visit. The thought made me emotional because… they can finally be reunited again, or at least not be separated by death.

Didn’t really know what I was going to write when I started this, and the words kept pouring out, but I’m glad I did.

#my stuff #family #reflection #a real blog post

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charcorner · 8 days

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Welcome to Char Corner!

Hi there, fellow Char owners! My name is Astra, I use any pronouns but mostly she/they, and I raise Homo aznablii (also known as Chars) for a living! I have worked at multiple Char shelters, and own multiple Chars myself. Here's a quick intro to them!

(Plus, some tips I shared in the comments of a Strange Aeons video about clown husbandry:)

Mars

Male 0079

Age: 4

Mars is a new addition to the family. I picked him up from a Char shelter back in July. He was surrendered to the shelter after his owners couldn't take care of them. PSA: Purebred 0079s are not good starter Chars! They need constant stimulation to keep from engaging in the classic Char pastime of destroying everything in your home, along with 0079s needing to be disciplined regularly, (without force! please do not hit or yell at your char, as they will distrust you and be more likely to indiscriminately attack you. i like to use spray bottles) to actually make them listen to you. If you REALLY like 0079s but don't have any experience raising Chars, get a 0079/Quattro cross. While Mars can have an attitude sometimes and has tried to escape a few times when I let him outside for more than a few minutes, he's a really sweet Char. Fun fact: he's the same 0079 Char from the Garfield story I shared above

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Hallie Jr.

Female Quattro/CCA mix

Age: 3

Hallie Jr. is one of the Char pups from the story I shared above. Her mother, a Quattro named Hallie, was one of the first Chars I raised, and was a general sweetheart. Sadly, last May, Hallie was diagnosed with cancer at the age of 17, and I had no choice but to end her life in a humane way. I'll never forget the day I took her home from the shelter all those years ago, and how she was so scared on the ride back home... Anyways, Hallie Jr. is chaotic. That's it. I remember when I first took Mars home and Hallie Jr. gave him a nice chomp on the shoulder. What a way to roll in the welcome wagon... She's also given me a few nips, too, and almost attacked another Char at the Char park (my pride and joy as a char owner. /s) Anyways, I always say that Quattros are the ideal starter breed of Char, due to their mostly-docile temperament. CCAs, however, need a great deal of training and socialization, which I know a lot of casual Char owners can't afford to provide. Sadly, this has led to many CCAs turning aggressive and getting the breed as a whole classified as dangerous in a lot of jurisdictions. (They're kinda like the "bully breeds" of dogs.)

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Meteor

Male Full Frontal

Age: 27

While I normally do not condone getting Full Frontals due to the problems with the breed (see above), a friend gave me Meteor because they were moving to a place which did not allow Chars in the lease (an unfortunate truth in many places) and I couldn't say no. Even if he is getting on in the years (the average Char lifespan is 33 years), he is still one of the most amazing Chars I have ever taken care of. However, last month he started to become more lethargic and nipped me when I tried to pet him (an action he usually enjoys). I'm planning to take him to the vet soon to see what's up with him.

---

Ceres

Female mutt (with 0079 and CCA features)

Age: 1½ years

Last but not least, Ceres was a stray Char pup who was rejected by her mother. I found her in my front lawn in critical condition and I just had to take her in because I couldn't let a newborn Char die like that, and bottle-fed her and nursed her back to health. She's currently in her "teen phase" (Chars fully mature at 2 years old) and is starting to test her boundaries. She often gets zoomies and even scratched Hallie Jr. once (she's probably learned her lesson now). However, she's still as sweet as the day I took her in!

Random Char facts and tips:

Chars only started being imported to the western world in the past 25 years. Before that, they were popular pets in Japan and other East Asian countries, hitting their stride in the late seventies, although a small portion of Chars were imported to Italy around the early eighties in the hopes of starting a fad, although they never caught on back then.

CHARS AND CLOWNS DO NOT GO TOGETHER!! I've seen so many Chars get surrendered to shelters because they attacked or even killed clowns, one of their NATURAL PREY SOURCES. Come on.

Chars are facultative carnivores. In the wild, they prey on not only clowns, but also deer and other large herbivores. But domesticated Chars will still be as happy eating small animals such as live mice as they would chasing down a deer in the wild.

Please do not keep attack/guard Chars, especially CCAs. The training to turn them into one cannot be done in a way that does not involve abuse. Please get a functioning security system.

You may have noticed that Chars are horny AF. It's a survival strategy: Chars mate with anything and everything as wild mother Chars have a tendency to reject or even eat their offspring. Thankfully for Char breeders, domesticated Chars have had this behavior almost entirely bred out of them.

Chars are pregnant for 6 months and usually give birth to a litter of 4-9 Char pups.

Anyways, good luck in your own Char breeding and owning adventures!

~ Astra

#tw unreality #cw unreality #char husbandry #char raising #char breeding #char owning #char caring #mobile suit gundam #char aznable #charposting

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fitgothgirl · 6 months

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Hiii look at me making a post! Haven't been super talkative here lately and hardly ever share my workout pics. Here's the one I just finished - I've never seen the t-rex before?? Fuck yeah. 🦖

Things are going pretty well. Since October I've still been successfully slowly cutting back on weed. I'm at the point now where I'm smoking a bowl per evening, if that. I have it locked up in my kSafe until 8pm each day. Soon I'll be updating the rule to 10pm, and after that I'll start smoking every other day, and so on. Me from six months ago smoking all day everyday would not believe I'm at this point! I'm proud. 😁 January 15th is the day I start my official break, two weeks before we leave for Costa Rica, so I'll be sure I won't be withdrawing by then. And when we come back I'm going to keep the break going to hit 8 weeks. Not quitting weed forever but I don't want to come back to the all day everyday shit... Not even daily either. Sounds crazy to me, probably sounds normal to most others though I'm sure lol.

Weight loss has slowed a bit but that's expected now that I'm smaller and I'm like a friggen solitary pound above having a normal BMI lol. Also ever since daylight savings ended, things have been harder to do and I've been feeling more blah. Story of everyone's life I'm sure... So considering all that, I'm still doing really well! No guilt or bad feelings about slowing weight loss or slightly less frequent workouts; no need to rush. At this point I've lost 29lbs/13.2kg total, 19lbs/8.6kg of which have been since late July.

I've also noticed visible muscle! The way my shoulder meets my trap when I flex is more defined, I have more biceps, I can often see my quads, my calf muscle has become an obstacle while shaving lol, etc. Loving it. 💪🏼

An NSV includes wearing more of my women's t-shirts; 95% of my t-shirts are men's shirts (band shirts and Blackcraft lol) since they're more comfy and I often don't like how women's t-shirts fit (depending on how they're cut; women's clothes have zero consistency). But I do have some women's t-shirts and I'm wearing them more again since they fit much better and I'm more confident (my skyrocketing confidence is another NSV!). And another NSV is needing a new belt, and soon here I'm going to need new pants! 😅

Therapy has been helping with all this too of course; I love my therapist. 🖤 She keeps things in perspective and makes sure to hype me up about how awesome I'm doing and tell me to be proud of myself. And since I'm doing so well, she makes sure that I give myself grace when I'm feeling more in a lull. Since things have been harder since DST, I've gotten a bit down or at least worried that I don't want to go back to how I was (health-wise, weed-wise, etc.), but we had a good pep talk yesterday. I'm not even regressing, just slowed down a bit. But who doesn't slow down this time of year...

Anyway, not sure what else to update since it's been a while lol. Had friendsgiving on Thanksgiving weekend, went to Vegas for my bf's work Christmas party a couple weekends ago... Last concert was Psyclon Nine in mid-November (pretty sure that's where I got a cold that emerged a few days later... Either that or an Addams Family musical we went to the next night. But all better now!). And I can't believe I'm saying this but I don't think we have another concert planned until ✝️✝️✝️ (Crosses) in friggen March. So uncharacteristic for us lol. I'm sure we can find something if we want, or I've also been wanting to hit up a Death Guild since it's been a minute for that too. Nothing else too crazy going on, our calendar's been a bit quieter than it has been in years past. But it's kinda nice haha. 😅

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frostbytemyrik · 7 months

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Land back is literally Nazi 'blood and soil' ideology. The idea that a certain people have a unique connection to the land of a certain region and are the only rightful rulers of it. Every group of 'indigenous' people killed or forced some other group of people off of that land they're on before they took over it. Everyone is a colonizer if you go back far enough. It's totally incoherent.

Posting this publicly so other people can see this too to confirm I'm not just going completely mad. Are y'all seeing this? Did someone really just roll up to my inbox and claim the Land Back movement is comparable to Nazi ideology? Am I making up this clownery?

Anyway, cite your sources. EVERY group is a bold claim. And even then, that doesn't excuse the atrocities committed unto them by the European colonizers, nor the devastation that said colonizers continue to bring upon the planet and Her people.

From an ecological standpoint, stewardship is crucial to many environments. Native humans have tended to the land, and when colonizers "settled" it, they disregarded any care that it may need and, through a mix of killing Natives off and forbidding them from lands they were on first, keept and still keep them from tending it and never bothered learning to tend it themselves. It's the major reason why the Australian wildfires were so devastating.

But we aren't looking at this from a purely ecological standpoint, are we? We're looking at it from a humanitarian perspective, too. When we show up where other people already are and violently remove them from where they've lived for countless generations, make them houseless, starve them, defile their sacred spaces, mass murder their main sources of food and fabric, forcibly convert them to our religions, separate them from their families, and punish them for speaking their own languages... is it right? Does the fact that some of these nations have warred with others in the past make this okay? Does that make this treatment justified? (I'd think this is a rhetorical question, but considering this anon showed up I feel the need to specify: the answer is OBVIOUSLY NOT.)

This is just the list that I, a white man in the US, came up with on the spot, and this is only about a few of the abuses committed by the US alone. There's a lot more to be added here. No people deserve such mistreatment and no people ever will.

The continued persecution of Native peoples around the world will not end until the rights to stewardship of lands they had stolen from them are acknowledged.

LAND BACK NOW

Edit: Whenever I come back to edit this, Tumblr deletes all my sources in that big block of atrocities, so I'm just posting them all here below. TW for racism, genocide, and...just about everything else.

#land back #landback #nativeamericans #us politics #australian politics #hawaiian politics #native rights #indigenous australians #aboriginal australian #aboriginal rights #indigenous rights #politics #fought tumblr putting all those links in #the absolute clownery #racism #I can't keep editing the mistakes in this because Tumblr keeps destroying all the links in the middle paragraph 😒#this is why it took hours to type #genocide

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ferromagnetiic · 26 days

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hiatus.

// henlo. i'm still on hiatus for a bit longer.

to briefly explain what happened, someone close to me got some unexpected bad news and i ended up going on an unplanned hiatus while we sorted everything out. time went by really fast, and i realized i hadn't explained my disappearance to you all. nothing to do with my health this time, i just needed to focus on real life stuff for a little bit.

me and elle (@snowdrcp) had already planned to spend the next few months together starting in May, so i'm flying to her country for two months. we're going to be really busy together, so i won't be able to get back to writing until after i'm home in July - however I don't know how active I'll be over the summer because she's coming home with me so we might be busy doing things together then also.

but! i'm not going to be gone forever, i'm coming back as soon as things are less busy, you can expect to see me again soon. my muses haven't gone anywhere and i still have full motivation to write, nobody is being dropped, everything will be picked up like normal as soon as my trip is done.

i think it's extremely funny if we temporarily pretend Kid has gone to jail and that's why he suddenly went missing LOL so i'm just going to act like he's been arrested and is currently in prison while i'm out having a great time with elle. i've put him in the baby playpen. the fisher price play pen.

love you all so much, can't wait to write with everyone when i'm back. i'm still available on discord, but my replies might be a bit slow just because i'm on an extended vacation. let me know if you want to add me. sorry for not explaining where i was sooner, time got away from me a bit.

back soon! hope you're all doing good!

#ooc #【 ⚙ ˊˎ | UNFORTUNATE HOSTAGE | ooc. 】#hiatus notice #// i have every intention of writing some stupid arc about kid having just escaped prison when i'm back LOL #// i miss everyone a lot! i'll be back soon!

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theunstuffedpepper · 9 months

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Doing all the tiny baby things over here! Derrick turned 1 month old yesterday - can’t believe a whole month has gone by already. We’re headed back to the pediatrician today for his well visit. I have no concerns other than his baby acne, which seems like it’s getting a bit worse. Otherwise it seems like he’s growing great and eating plenty. Tummy time is slow and steady - hopefully more progress there in the next month.

Today also starts the beginning of B’s real work outside the home.. as background, he owns two apartment buildings with a group of his buddies/investment partners and they just recently acquired the second building. He’s going to be doing some external renovations to the building and property over the next month or so, and a huge part of why his mom moved up here was so she can assist with childcare to free him up to be able to do that. Before her moving here at the end of July, I’ve been the full time working parent and he’s been the full time stay at home caretaker. While I’m on maternity leave, she’s helping with watching Holden while I care for Derrick and B has some time freed up to work on the investment properties. When I return to work in February, the plan is that she will help B care for both boys a few days a week so he can continue to do similar work.

That last part, ooh baby.. I’m struggling even with the idea of it. I mean, it sounds great in theory. But it’s complicated. (Isn’t it always with family?) My MIL isn’t and hasn’t been in the healthiest place mentally or emotionally for a long, long time. We hoped and still do hope that moving up here near us, quitting her toxic job and finding some new part time employment to supplement her income while helping take care of her grandsons, all of that would help improve the mental/emotional health situation. Things were going better than anticipated until Friday of last week — it’s a long story, but I suspect that she made some decisions that put holden’s safety and best interest in question. She denies it, and I don’t believe she’s being honest with us about that, so now we’re in a weird situation. B had a serious conversation with her about it and she swears she would never do anything to put Holden or Derrick in danger and we’re choosing to believe her this one time, but man, I’m having a hard time with it. Keep your fingers crossed for us. Best case: I’m wrong and everything is smooth sailing here on out. She’s well aware that my guard is VERY UP so let’s hope that’s the case. Family, right??

Here’s to soaking up these last hot days of summer and ushering in the gorgeous fall weather.

#momblr #family stuff #d is 1 month!#h is 2y 7mo #09052023

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feedingtheflockministry · 11 months

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The Passing of Our Beloved Honey Bear and How God Walked Us Through It

On July 11, 2023, after a long life of 12 1/2 years, my wife and I made the heartbreaking decision to have our golden retriever Honey Bear put to sleep. She reached a point of bodily pain and discomfort due to several tumors that kept growing all over her body (including on those extra sensitive areas), sores that were no longer healing after treatment, urinary tract infections that continued to come back shorty after they were treated causing terrible discomfort and pain, no longer wanted to go for walks, no longer wanted to play with her toys, she had extreme difficulty getting up, her fur was falling out, and started leaving some bits of food in her bowl or not eating her food until later (which was never the case before).

Honey was an amazing companion. From the moment I laid eyes on her as a small puppy (with low blood sugar and worms tucked away in a corner opposite her litter), to picking up groceries, tons of walks, playing tug, running around in the snow in Houston of all places, watching me cook, hanging out with us on the patio or pool side on her blanket, and lived with us in several apartments throughout her life. She was the constant in our lives despite the constant changes we experienced throughout the last twelve years. She was like a daughter to us. So making the decision to end her life was the hardest thing I have ever had to do in all my 46 years of living.

The week leading up to her last day I continued to asked The Lord if He was willing to heal my dog that He would, but instead of healing her He counseled and comforted me through it with the scriptures. He started by reminding me of the death of Moses in Deuteronomy 34:1-8. Showing me that death must come, but we that have control over another individual’s life should not allow them to suffer in pain, agony, sickness, distress, and physical deterioration after the love and devotion they showed us through their lives. We should plan for it if we can and give them a wonderful last moment, lasts days, or last weeks. For Moses had all his strength and strong eyesight when that day came. Afterwards The Lord personally buried his body. For The Lord only buried Moses in all of the scriptures. Moses also got to see the Promise Land from a mountain top on his last day, and Honey got lots of treats and got to go to special places during her last week. Just before she was put to sleep she got to eat a chocolate covered donut.

The second passage He reminded me of was a story He told to King David through the prophet Nathan in order that David could unknowingly pass judgment on his own actions with Bathsheba and being responsible for her husbands death. Through the story He showed me that He sees the love and strong bond we share with our closest pets. For He even uses it in His story for David to judge. So remember that when someone says dismissive things like, “It’s just an animal” or “it’s just a dog so move on and get another one”. Yes, getting another puppy can distract you from the heartbreak and grief somewhat, but no dog no matter how sweet they are is a replacement for the one you sent to your Heavenly Father’s house.

The third scripture came from one of King Solomon’s proverbs that says, “A righteous man has regard for the life of his animal, But even the compassion of the wicked is cruel.” A righteous man regards the health of his animal and acts accordingly. Even if that leads to making life ending decisions. For a wicked man will not do this for their animal, but will ignore the problem and continue to feed their animal while turning a blind eye to their suffering.

The forth passage came from John’s gospel about Jesus’s childhood friend Lazarus getting sick and dying. He arrived four days after he had died with the intention on healing him. When Jesus came He saw everyone mourning and weeping including Lazarus’s sister. Before He resurrected Lazarus He also wept. Why did He wait? Why didn’t He just say to those that delivered the message to Him about Lazarus being sick, “Go your way friends, for this hour Lazarus is healed”? We must remember that The Lord does everything for a purpose. That purpose is never for evil against us, but for prospering us in the way of righteousness and growth.

Lastly, the passage of scripture He reminded me of was, “Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.” This is a promise from Him. For He sees us when we mourn and He comforts us through others around us, and by the Holy Spirit. For we are never alone when we are in Christ.

If you are going through a loss of a beloved fur child my heart goes out to you. You will always remember them and think of them fondly. Grieving for your beloved fur child is completely understandable, and by no means should anyone make you feel stupid for doing so.

Scripture passages:

Then Moses climbed Mount Nebo from the plains of Moab to the top of Pisgah, across from Jericho. There the Lord showed him the whole land—from Gilead to Dan, all of Naphtali, the territory of Ephraim and Manasseh, all the land of Judah as far as the Mediterranean Sea, the Negev and the whole region from the Valley of Jericho, the City of Palms, as far as Zoar. Then the Lord said to him, “This is the land I promised on oath to Abraham, Isaac and Jacobwhen I said, ‘I will give it to your descendants.’ I have let you see it with your eyes, but you will not cross over into it.” And Moses the servant of the Lord died there in Moab, as the Lord had said. He buried him in Moab, in the valley opposite Beth Peor, but to this day no one knows where his grave is. Moses was a hundred and twenty years old when he died, yet his eyes were not weak nor his strength gone. The Israelites grieved for Moses in the plains of Moab thirty days, until the time of weeping and mourning was over. Deuteronomy 34:1-8

Then the LORD sent Nathan to David. And he came to him and said, “There were two men in a city, the one wealthy and the other poor. The wealthy man had a great many flocks and herds. “But the poor man had nothing at allexcept one little ewe lamb which he bought and nurtured; and it grew up together with him and his children. It would eat scraps from him and drink from his cup and lie in his lap, and was like a daughter to him. “Now a visitor came to the wealthy man, and he could not bring himself to take any animal from his own flock or his own herd, to prepare for the traveler who had come to him; So he took the poor man’s ewe lamb and prepared it for the man who had come to him.” 2 Samuel 12:1-4

A righteous man has regard for the life of his animal, But even the compassion of the wicked is cruel. Proverbs 12:10

When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come along with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in spirit and troubled. “Where have you laid him?” he asked. “Come and see, Lord,” they replied. Jesus wept. John 11:33-35

“Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.” Matthew 5:4

#pets #love pets #animals #dogs #scriptures #christianity #jesus christ #bible #bible teaching #biblescripture

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whatevenisexisting · 6 months

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The fact that there are people who want to have Epilepsy and read tips on it will never not disgust me. Like seriously. Y’all are fucking ignorant, ableist, and your identity is NOT in good faith.

Why? Because as someone who actually has epilepsy, it DOES hurt for me to see some people on tumblr want this damn condition. As I’m struggling to get through a work week, as I’m finally realizing I need accommodations, as I’m feeling frustrated because I haven’t had a seizure since April 19th, and I already had two this month.

Remember y’all, when you have a seizure, out goes your ability to drive for at least a few months. Put yourself in a small town with no public transit, rely on family to get literally ANYWHERE - and then tell me you’re “transepileptic”.

I wasn’t planning to ever drive again, but that decision DOES affect my life and let’s say I chose to drive once it was legal. Well, in my state I would have been able to drive by July but BAM. There it goes again.

Have a seizure, and you cannot drive. Now you have to find other ways to get EVERYWHERE you can’t walk to. And if it’s pouring like it is for me today? Yeah, your choice is either walk in the rain and get soaked, take an Uber for a ride that’s only 5-10 minutes and easy walking distance, or stay home.

Not everyone can rely on family or friends every single time they need to go somewhere, remember that.

And I know I’m focusing on this part but it’s just ONE aspect.

I mentioned I had a rough week at work and I did. Have fun dealing with post-seizure depression and just overall triggered depression as you work for a suicide hotline. Have fun not being able to tell 99% of your coworkers WHY you are struggling so much this week because you can’t even the say the name of your condition (and as a side note, your mom hates this and doesn’t understand - she thinks it just means you’re ashamed even though you aren’t), so yeah, they respect that and it’s your right but it would be easier to talk to them if they KNEW. But you don’t, because you barely accept your condition to begin with. (The five stages of grief? Yeah, apply them here and put yourself permanently in between denial and acceptance, also anger and depression, and have a jolly good time.)

Oh don’t forget needing time off work! Because if you’re lucky like me, you’re going to be exhausted the next day and will need to sleep all day! Which means using a sick day, and in America most people are LUCKY to get two weeks. My friend’s partner gets five days. Total. Of paid time off and sick COMBINED. So yeah, have a blast balancing what little sick time you get with needing to care for your body because sometimes you cannot recover quickly for them! You likely don’t know that tonic clonic used to be called grand mal (don’t worry most people without epilepsy don’t know this and you know you don’t have epilepsy soooo) but with grand mal, you might end up in the hospital because you can injure yourself! Any seizure that involves convulsions puts you at risk of physical (even mental, if you hit your head and get a concussion) injury, but I’m sure you haven’t thought of that part, have you?

Or maybe you have and you still want a condition that severely impacts people’s lives and can kill them, in which case you’re just ableist lmao, and insist that me being against people outright SAYING they’re faking a disorder is somehow transphobic or I’m “using the same talking points” as people against the trans community. Like stop stop STOP.

You know what the difference here is? Trans people didn’t choose to be trans, they can’t always come out of the closet because it’s NOT SAFE which surprise, might have a significant impact on their mental health. They don’t have a choice but to be closeted. Staying closeted STILL comes with consequences though. Coming out of the closet might come with consequences. There’s a reason trans people have such a high suicide rate.

As for the “talking points”…that’s just stupid because you people KNOW and SAY you don’t have this condition. You give each other “tips” for doing these symbols, or should I say FAKING the symptoms.

Me talking about the REALITIES of living with a disability is a desperate attempt to get you to stop romanticizing them. Me talking about the TRUTH of living with something like in my case epilepsy, is a desperate attempt to make you realize it’s NOT something you want.

I’M the one who didn’t have a goddamn choice for this condition. JUST LIKE trans people don’t have a choice to be trans and cis people don’t have a choice to be cis.

YOU fucking DO have this choice. YOU have the choice to get off Tumblr, out of this horrible echo chamber and ask yourself why the fuck you’re ASKING for TIPS FOR HAVING A SEIZURE.

Like for real, get off this hellsite and THINK about what you’re absorbing. This. Is. Not. Healthy.

And no, I don’t give a shit if you’re ~also disabled and okay with this~ because it’s not okay lmao. Like these are not good faith identities. Period. These people romanticize serious conditions, play into the idea that people with disabilities are faking theirs (especially if they suddenly become able to do things - “oh, jessy can do that, why can’t you?” Disabled people hear that enough already), and simply ignore the reality.

Ugh. I’m only writing this because Tumblr is a blog and a safe space to write, my therapist is sick today and can’t do a session with me, and I woke up still pretty sad and frustrated and then I thought of “transabled” people and decided to rant. Going to keep this public for now, might make it private later.

#personal #rant #exhausted #anti transid #tw trans abled #anti transabled #transid don’t interact #transx dont interact #tw transx #tw transid #epilepsy #transepilepsy #transseizure #ableism

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