#also in case anybody is interested in the academic side of things:
Text
Exile of the Sons of Uisliu
A (long! very long!) retelling of the tale, Longes mac nUislenn (“Exile of the Sons of Uisliu”), an Irish tale from the Ulster Cycle of medieval Irish literature. Written for the Four Loves Fairy Tale event by @inklings-challenge.
Notes: I’ve published part of this before, though right now I can’t find the post. I finished it for the challenge, as it fit well with the themes. It was originally intended to be a retelling that made it easier to approach medieval Irish literature for those who felt intimidated by the often more archaic translations. As such, it sticks very closely to the two sources I was working from, though events from both get blended together in a way that weren’t, strictly speaking, present in both tales. See the end of the story for sources (with links!) and further notes about the adaptation process.
Pronunciation: “Derdriu” = “Deer-druh,” Noisiu = “Nee-shuh,” “Cathbad” = “Kah-vuh,” “Conchobar” = “Kon-cho-var” (with the “ch” as in “loch”, though I’ve heard various other pronunciations as well, Leborcham = “Leh-vor-cham, Cúchulainn = “Koo-chull-in”, “Uisliu” = ish-loo, “Eogan” = “Oh-wen”, and “Medb” = “May-uhv”. The other names should be less tricky, but let me know if you have problems with them.
This is the story of Derdriu.
Of beauty in death.
Some say the story begins before she was even born, at her scream from her mother’s womb. This is somewhat true; it was indeed this scream that caused the men of Ulster to rise from their beds and demand to know its origin. And it was this scream that caused her mother to press her hands to her face and deny any knowledge of its origin, despite the fact it came from her own womb. Indeed, it was this scream that caused Cathbad, the great and wise druid, to set the question of its origin at rest.
He said, “It is your daughter, woman. Her loveliness will surpass all others; her green eyes and tall form will cause envy among queens and desire among kings. Men will slaughter for her and over her, and heroes will do great deeds in her name.”
He said, “She will bring great evil to our land.” Then he fell silent and no more was said on the subject.
And some say the story begins when Deirdre entered the world for the first time, innocent of her great power and tragic fate. Again, the druid Cathbad prophesied of the evil that would follow in the girl’s wake, of jealousy and war and exile. And of death, of beloved children and heroes alike.
“Her tale will be famous,” he said, “as famous as the graves of the men who fought for her and the men who come after her.”
Hearing this, the men of Ulster cried aloud, “Kill the child! Kill her!” For they did not wish to see Ulster and its people suffer such a fate.
“Wait!” came one voice from the crowd. It was Conchobar, king of Ulster. “This girl won’t be killed; I want her for myself. I’ll make sure that no man sees her before we are wed, so there will be no fighting. And so that there will be no jealousy either, no woman will see her.”
No man present defied him.
And so Derdriu was taken away and raised by foster-parents. True to his word, Conchobar let no one else see her-except for Leborcham, who was Conchobar’s messenger and a satirist. It was she who acted as nurse and teacher to Derdriu. Besides them, Derdriu had no contact with anyone or anything from the outside world.
A lonely life for anyone, to be sure.
Years passed, and Derdriu, as predicted, grew into the most beautiful woman in all of Éire. Her hair was yellow as a warrior’s cloak, and her eyes were green as the land she walked on day after day; her lips Parthian-red and her teeth pure white. She saw no one but her foster parents and Leborcham, who had grown very fond of the girl.
One winter day, Leborcham and Derdriu sat outside watching her foster-father slaughter a calf for their supper. The blood from the calf stained the snow, and a raven swooped down to drink it.
Derdriu was struck by this, and said to Leborcham, “I'd like a man such as that: hair as black as a raven, cheeks as red as blood, and body as white as snow.”
A familiar story, is it not?
Without thinking, Leborcham replied, “Then may you have success, for there is one close by. Noisiu son of Uisliu is the man you’re seeking.” Then she fell silent, for she had remembered that Derdriu was bound for Conchobar’s bed.
“I want to see him,” Derdriu said.
“You musn’t,” Leborcham said reluctantly.
“If I don’t, I’ll be sick.”
This went on for some time, until Leborcham agreed to lead Derdriu to where Noisiu was. However, she refused to do anything more than that, for although she was fond of the girl, she could see nothing but harm in encouraging anything further.
Noisiu’s habit was to wander the ramparts of Emain Macha, the place where Conchobar and the other Ulaid gathered, chanting to himself. The chanting of Noisiu and his brothers was said to increase the milk of any cow that heard it, it was that pleasing to listen to. And for any man or woman who heard their chanting, they at once felt peace and happiness.
Do not think that the sons of Uisliu were skilled only in chanting or other such arts. Their skill in battle was renowned; they were swift and strong, and if the three brothers had to fight all of Ulster at once they would be so skilled with their blades and so able at defending one another that it would be a long time before their defeat.
And they were honorable, too; it was their honor that would be their downfall in the end.
Having gotten Leborcham to tell her of this tradition of Noisiu’s, Derdriu made a plan.
Noisiu was walking along the ramparts alone, chanting, when Derdriu came up to him. As though she intended to pay him no attention or recognition, she strolled past him, his fine voice making her heart beat faster.
Noisiu stopped his chanting and watched her go by. When she made to pass him entirely, he said, “That is a fine heifer going by.”
“As well it might,” she said, and turned to face him. At seeing her beauty, he recognized her for Derdriu, King Conchobar’s future wife. “The heifers grow big where there are no bulls, you know.”
“You have the bull of this province all to yourself,” he said, not taking his eyes off her. “For you are to be wed to Conchobar himself.”
She tossed her head. “Of the two, I’d pick a game young bull like yourself.”
“Cathbad’s prophecy,” he said. “Have you forgotten it?” When she made no reply, he reminded her: “He said you will bring death and destruction to the men of Ulster. Your marriage to Conchobar is the solution to that.”
“I don’t want the men of Ulster or Conchobar,” she said and looked at him. “I want you.”
He shook his head and made to leave, although he did not wish to.
“Are you rejecting me?” she cried.
“I am.”
She darted around in front of him and gripped him by the ears. “If you don’t take me with you, may shame and mockery fall upon you!”
“Leave me alone!”
“You’ll do it!”
“Woman, I will not!”
“My name is Derdriu,” she cried, “and I love you, Noisiu son of Uisliu! I loved you before I knew your face or form or voice, and now that I have seen them I love you even more! I will love you until the day I die!”
He reached up and pulled her hands from his ears. “Hush, or you’ll wake the whole of Ulster! Already the warriors inside exclaim and reach for their swords.” But he did not let go of her hands.
“It seems to be their recurring reaction to me,” she said, and they looked at each other without saying anything.
Perhaps Derdriu’s story begins here, where she and Noisiu made plans to slip away later that night when the sons of Uisliu and their company departed Emain, with Derdriu planning to hide amongst the women. Of course Noisiu’s brothers, Ardán and Annle, came with the two, and it was they who suggested seeking refuge with another king of Ireland.
Whatever the start of the story was, this point was certainly the beginning of the end for all four of them.
They traveled from king to king, from one place to another, hunted by an angry Conchobar and all his warriors. Finally, in order to be free, they left Éire and escaped to the land of Alba.
They had no friends there, and so settled in the wilderness. Despite the fact that she was once again living with only three other people for company, Derdriu was happier than she had ever been. The brothers hunted for game, and when that ran out, they raided for cattle.
It was to be expected that the people of Alba rose up against them. As has been said before, the sons of Uisliu were skilled in many things, and cattle-stealing was certainly one of those things they excelled at. The people of Alba, however, excelled at disliking those who stole all of their livestock and food, and were certainly willing to do something about it. Both sides were well-matched, despite the brothers being greatly outnumbered. But the brothers were sick of fighting, and they searched for an alternative.
So they made an offer to the king of Alba: they would stop stealing cattle and in return, he would hire them as his soldiers. It was a good offer, and the king accepted it.
Noisiu and his brothers built their houses among the other warriors, but were careful to build them so that Derdriu could not be seen from the outside. For they did not wish for her beauty to bring them the same kind of trouble they had tried to escape in Éire. And for a time this worked.
But then, one day, the king’s steward came by early in the morning when everybody was asleep. He saw Derdriu and Noisiu sleeping peacefully, and even in sleep, Derdriu’s beauty struck him silent.
The steward went to the king, who was sleeping. The steward said, “My king, my king, I have found the perfect woman for you. She lies with Noisiu son of Uisliu even now, and she is a woman worthy of any king in the world. If you kill Noisiu now, you can have her to wife.”
The king declined to have Noisiu killed, saying, “Go instead and ask her every day in secret if she will leave Noisiu and wed me.”
And so every day the steward came to visit Derdriu while the brothers were away. And every day, she turned him down. At night, when the brothers returned, she told Noisiu of the steward’s visits.
“This is a bad business,” said Noisiu, “but I can’t see what there is to be done about it yet.” For if they offended the king, they could not return to Éire, and where else could they go? So the visits continued.
As Derdriu refused the king’s advances day after day, the king tried a different tactic. He ordered the brothers into fierce battles and set dangerous traps for them in the hopes that they would be slaughtered. But the sons of Uisliu were so skilled in battle and so clever that they always ended up unharmed.
Finally, the king grew weary of all this. “Try her one last time,” he told the steward. “Then we’ll kill the sons of Uisliu and take her anyway.”
The steward did as the king commanded. He said to Derdriu, “Listen. If you don’t do as the king wishes, he will gather up all the men of Alba and slaughter your beloved Noisiu and his brothers. Is that what you desire? Rather, by going to the king you may save their lives.”
It is not known what exactly Derdriu said to him after that, but it is certain that it was yet another refusal. The steward went away angry, and told the king that Derdriu had rejected him yet again. The men of Alba were called. Derdriu saw that they were many in number, too many for the sons of Uisliu to defeat without terrible cost.
Noisiu, Ardán, and Annle came home and Derdriu told them what the steward had said.
“You must leave,” she said. “If you don’t leave tonight, you won’t live to see tomorrow.”
Ardán, the youngest brother, said, “Will you not be coming with us, then?”
Annle, the middle brother, said, “It would certainly be a waste of all our efforts so far if she did not.”
And Noisiu, the eldest brother, said, “Do you not think we can protect you?”
So Derdriu went with them. They left that very night and traveled over the sea until they reached an island that was between Alba and Éire. The king of Alba pursued them with many men, but the sons of Uisliu fended them off in a series of battles deserving of their own heroic legend.
The news of the exiles’ flight from Alba reached Éire. Everybody said to Conchobar that it would be a great shame if the sons of Uisliu fell to an enemy king in an enemy land by the fault of a bad woman. “Forgive and protect them instead, Conchobar, and let the sons of Uisliu come home,” they said. “It is better to do this then to let them be harmed by enemies.”
“Very well then,” Conchobar said. “Let them come home. I will guarantee their safety. Send for them.”
“Who will take the message?” they asked.
“It is well known that Noisiu son of Uisliu will only come in peace to Éire again if he is brought by one of three people: Cúchulainn son of Sualdam, Conall Cernach son of Amergin, and Fergus mac Roich,” Conchobar said. “I will choose one of them.”
He took Conall aside and asked him, “What would you do, Conall, if I sent you to bring the sons of Uisliu back to Éire and through some cunning and betrayal-not my own, of course-they were slaughtered despite your promises of safety?”
Conall answered, “Any Ulsterman, no matter who he was, would fall at my hand. No man would escape my wrath.”
“That is a good answer, Conall,” Conchobar said. “But I see you will not be my choice.”
Next he asked his nephew Cúchulainn the same question.
Cúchulainn was more perceptive and answered thus: “I swear that if you were to ask me to do such a thing, and to bring them home to be slain by you, I would take no bribe from you, great though it might be, in favor of taking your own head for such a deed.”
“I see that you do not love me either, Cúchulainn,” Conchobar said, and sent him away.
He called Fergus over to him and asked him the same question.
And Fergus said, “I swear not to attack you yourself, but if any Ulsterman should attempt harm on them, death and destruction will meet that man by my hands.”
“You will be messenger, Fergus,” Conchobar said. “It was you who had the best answer.”
So Fergus mac Roich was chosen as messenger. He sailed to their island, accompanied only by his son Fiacha, but could find no traces of the exiles. He made a loud call for them. Derdriu and Noisiu were playing fidchell, and both heard Fergus’ shout.
“That is a man of Éire shouting,”said Noisiu, looking up from the board.
Derdriu recognized it as Fergus’ voice, but said, “No, you are mistaken. That is a man of Alba.”
Again Fergus shouted, and again Noisiu looked up from the board. “There it is again, and this time I am sure it came from a man of Éire.”
“You are mistaken,” Derdriu said, “and now it is your turn. Play on.”
Fergus shouted a third time, and this time Noisiu knew for certain his voice was that of a man from Éire. He rose from his seat and told Ardán to go and meet the speaker, to see who it was. For it would make them poor hosts if they neglected their guest any longer.
“I know who it is,” said Derdriu. “It is Fergus mac Roich. I recognized his voice from the start.”
Angry, Noisiu demanded to know why she had concealed this from him.
“I dreamed last night,” she said. “I dreamed that three birds flew to us from Emain Macha, and that in their beaks were three sips of honey. They left the honey with us, but took three sips of our blood in return.”
Noisiu sat down. “What do you think your dream meant?” Dreams might foretell the future or provide insight into the present, and so were not to be ignored.
“Fergus comes from our beloved home bearing a message of peace, but the message he bears is false, for a false message of peace is sweeter than honey. That is the meaning of the honey.”
“And the blood?” said Ardán, for he hadn’t left yet.
“The three sips of blood the bird took from us,” said Derdriu, “are the three of you, who will leave with him and be tricked.”
“I wish you hadn’t said that,” said Ardán. The others agreed.
Then Noisiu said, “Never mind that for now. We’ve left Fergus waiting at the harbor for far too long. Ardán, go and fetch him.”
Ardán, grumbling, went down to fetch Fergus. But he was much heartened to see him and his son, and kept asking tidings of Éire, and of Ulster especially.
“It’s glad we are to see you,” Fergus and Fiacha said, “and we’ll tell you everything when everyone’s there to hear it.”
And when Noisiu and Annle and Derdriu saw the travelers, their hearts were gladdened also; and they also asked for tidings of the land they missed so dearly.
“We bring the best tidings,” Fergus said. “I have been sent to bring you back to Éire. Conchobar guarantees your safety, and I swear to you I’ll see you safe to him on the very day we set foot back in Éire.”
“Don’t go,” said Derdriu to Noisiu. “It will end badly, I’m sure of it.”
But the brothers dearly missed their homeland, and great was their desire to return.
“We will go,” they said. And even though they longed to return, they were also practical and knew they must put in safeguards. “But only if you yourself, Fergus, accompany us, as well as Dubthach and Conchobar’s eldest son Cormac, and if all three of you swear as to our safety.”
Fergus agreed to this, as it was a prudent request, given what had happened the last time the four had set foot in Éire.
But Derdriu argued against it; she said that going to Éire would be their doom and that she felt sure their deaths awaited them there. And although the brothers pleaded and cajoled, argued and promised, she would not be swayed.
Finally Fergus said to her, “You need not fear, lady: should all the men of Éire betray you, I will fight and defeat them no matter how great their number. Their shields will be poor protection against the wrath of my sword. Of that you may be certain.”
“Friend Fergus,” she said, “I’ll hold you to that.”
They boarded the ship and set sail for Éire. As they passed Alba’s shores, Derdriu looked behind her at them and cried, “Farewell to you, O land that I loved! O land that was my home, I will miss your shores and hills, and the happy days we spent among them. O land, I will not see you again in this lifetime.”
Then she sang a lament, mourning all the places she had loved and lost. “If it were not for Noisiu,” she said, “I would not have left them.”
Dubthach and Cormac met them when they landed. The sons of Uisliu were so glad to be home that they swore they would not rest or eat until they had eaten Conchobar’s food. So the group started their journey at once.
Alas, Conchobar’s treachery knew no bounds. For he had sent Borrach mac Annte to draw Fergus away from them, and this was how he did it.
There was a geas upon Fergus, and it was this: he could not refuse an invitation to a feast. A geas was a powerful thing, and the breaking of it would lead to one’s doom.
Borrach met up with the group on the road and invited Fergus to several feasts. Fergus grew red with anger and cursed Borrach, saying it was ill-done of him to pick today of all days to invite him to a feast. Borrach would not rescind his invitations and so Fergus was caught between his promise to see the sons of Uisliu safely to Conchobar and his old geas.
“What should I do?” Fergus asked Noisiu.
Derdriu said, “Do what you want, friend Fergus. If you prefer to forsake us for a feast, then by all means do so. Leaving us is surely a good price to pay for a feast.”
“I won’t forsake you,” he said. “I’ll send my son Fiacha on with you and my own word of honor as well. And there will be Dubthach and Cormac as well.”
But Dubthach and Cormac chose to remain with Fergus, leaving only Fergus’ son Fiacha to accompany the sons of Uisliu and Derdriu.
“We give you thanks,” said Noisiu to Fiacha, “since none but our own hands have ever defended us in combat.” They were angry with Borrach, and left quickly.
Fergus was gloomy about that but trusted that the whole of Éire could not defeat Fiacha.
“Noisiu,” Derdriu said, “I will give you some advice, although you will not listen to it.”
Noisiu drew her closer. “What is this advice of yours, O Derdriu?”
“Tonight we should go back to our island and remain there until Fergus has finished with his feast. Thus his word will be fulfilled and we may continue onward with him as safeguard.”
“That is evil advice,” Fiacha said. “My father has sworn to see you safe home today, and I am duty-bound to carry out his oath. Do you doubt his honor? If you turn back now it will be an insult.”
Derdriu was silent for a long time. At last she spoke: “Great is the evil fallen upon us today because of Fergus, since he abandoned us for a feast.” She was greatly sorrowed, for she had only agreed to come back to Éire because of Fergus’ oath to protect them. And then she chanted:
“Great is my grief that I have come
at Fergus’ word, that reckless son of Roich.
I will lament and mourn forevermore—
and my heart is bitter because of it.
O sons of Uisliu—
your last days have come.”
Noisiu chanted in response:
“Say not such things,
O woman as radiant as the sun!
Fergus would not have fetched us
if destruction were in his heart.”
Derdriu chanted:
“Alas, I grieve for you,
O delightful son of Uisliu!
To have left our home in strange lands—
nothing good will come of it.”
They came to the White Cairn of the Watching, on Sliab Fuad. There was a pleasant glen there. Derdriu stayed behind and fell asleep. At first they did not notice she was not with them, but Noisiu, turning to say something to her, let out a cry of startlement.
“What is it?” Annle asked.
“Derdriu is not with us; she must have fallen behind.”
They hurried back and arrived there just as she was waking up. Noisiu knelt beside her. “Why did you stay behind, Derdriu?”
“I fell asleep,” said she, “and as I slept I dreamed.”
“What did you dream of?” he said.
“I saw each of you without a head,” she said. “I grew frightened and woke up.”
“It was only a dream,” he said.
“A sad dream,” she said.
Then they traveled onward to a place known as “the Height of the Willows.” Then Derdriu said to Noisiu, “I see a cloud of blood about your head, and I would give all of you advice!”
“What is your advice, Derdriu?” Noisiu asked.
“To go tonight to Cúchulainn’s place of dwelling and stay there until Fergus comes; or to have Cúchulainn escort us with promises of safety to Conchobar.”
“I am not afraid,” said Noisiu, “so we will not do that. And we have sworn to stop for nothing until we reach Conchobar anyway.”
Derdriu sang a song, then, about the great cloud of blood she saw hanging over Noisiu’s head, but Noisiu ignored this.
They went onwards through the familiar lands, accompanied by Fergus’ son Fiacha, until they came to the green at Emain Macha.
While they had been traveling to Emain, Conchobar had made peace with his old enemy, Eogan mac Durthacht, the king of Fernmag. Eogan was to kill Noisiu and his brothers, and any who opposed this.
So when Derdriu, the sons of Uisliu, and Fiacha came to the green at Emain, Eogan was waiting for them in the middle of it with Conchobar. Hired soldiers surrounded Conchobar so that the sons of Uisliu could not reach him. Behind them, women sat on the ramparts of Emain to watch the fighting.
Eogan and his men came to where the sons of Uisliu stood. Fiacha was standing at Noisiu’s side. Eogan delivered Conchobar’s welcome to Noisiu with a spear thrust so fierce it broke his back. Fiacha grabbed Noisiu and flung himself over him, bringing them both down to the ground. The second spear thrust through Fiacha’s body ended Noisiu. Then the green came alive with battle.
Ardán and Annle defended Derdriu fiercely. They linked their shields together and put her between them, and such was their skill that they slaughtered all those who came against them.
Seeing so many fall, Conchobar turned to Cathbad the druid. “O Cathbad, work some enchantment upon the sons of Uisliu. See their skill and how many they have slain. If they should escape now, Ulster will never be safe from them. I swear if you do this, I will not harm Uisliu’s sons.”
Conchobar’s words were persuasive in the face of all the dead strewn about the green, and Cathbad believed him. He lifted a hand and suddenly a sea, with great waves that crashed like thunder, lay ahead of the sons of Uisliu and Deirdre. Behind them, not two feet away, were the men of Ulster, waiting for the chance to strike. The sea surged ever closer, threatening to engulf them, and the brothers placed Derdriu on their shoulders so that she would be safe from drowning.
With the sons of Uisliu thus trapped, Conchobar ordered someone to kill the brothers. But no man of Ulster moved, for everyone there had borne Noisiu and his brothers great love.
But Eogan mac Durthacht spoke up, saying that he was ready to behead them both.
“Since that is so,” Ardán said, “kill me first, as I am the youngest.”
“No,” Annle said. “Kill me first instead.”
Then Eogan struck a blow that severed the heads of both on the spot, and all the Ulstermen cried out in grief.
Fergus had been told of the treachery of Conchobar, and came now with Dubthach and Cormac to Emain. They entered the green, and saw Noisiu, lying dead under Fiacha’s body, and Ardán and Annle, beheaded by Eogan.
Furious at how his oath had been broken and his son slain, Fergus gave battle to the men of Ulster. Dubthach and Cormac joined him. All three fought fiercely, and many fell by their hand that day, including Cormac’s younger brother Maine.
During the fighting, Deirdre slipped away to the far side of the green, and it was there she happened to meet Cúchulainn, returning to Emain Macha.
“Are you here to betray us too?” she said to him. “The sons of Uisliu lie dead on the green of Emain; you may as well kill the daughter of Fedlimid and lay her with them.”
“Dead? Betrayed?” Cúchulainn asked, and Derdriu told him the whole sorry tale. At this a glint came into his eye and he said, “That is sad news indeed. Who killed them?”
“Eogan mac Durthacht,” she said. “But it was at Conchobar’s demand.”
“Let us go and find them,” Cúchulainn said, “and make sure they have a proper burial.” He had not yet realized that his foster-father Fergus was the one leading the fight against Conchobar and Eogan’s men, and so he did not join the fight himself—though if he had, it would not have gone well for his enemies.
They came to the place where the bodies lay, and Derdriu flung herself down on top of Noisiu and kissed him, her lips red with his blood. “Without the three sons of Uisliu, I am not alive,” she said. “A day spent with them was full of mirth; a day without them a day of mourning. A curse on Conchobar, a curse on Cathbad, a curse on me—I wish I had died, that trickery and floods on my behalf had not killed them!”
And she sang a song of lamentation, refusing to part from the fallen brothers, though Cúchulainn tried to persuade her to flee to safety.
There was much weeping in Emain that day; and not just for the many brave Ulstermen who had fallen at the hands of Fergus, Dubthach, and Cormac. Dubthach slew the women of Ulster, and Fergus burned Emain. Three thousand men joined them when they went to Connacht. Ailill and Medb, the rulers of Connacht, welcomed them—not out of any great love, but because of the enmity between them and Ulster. With Aillil and Medb they found protection, but the exiles’ vengeance did not stop there. There was not a single night that passed from that day without the exiles wreaking more destruction and sorrow upon Ulster.
As for Derdriu, she was with Conchobar a year. During that year she did not smile. She barely ate, she rarely slept. She rested her head on her knee and would not lift it, though Conchobar brought musicians to try and raise her spirits.
When the musicians came, she would chant:
“You say the men of Emain coming home
triumphant is a brilliant sight to see;
I say that more brilliant was the sight
of the sons of Uisliu returning home.
Noisiu bearing mead,
Ardán and Anle bearing meat—
a sweeter supper by far
than any at the table of Conchobar.
The airs you play today lack the music
of Noisiu, who sang like the sea,
of Ardán, who sang bright as sunlight,
of Anle, who sang like the wind in the trees.
I loved Noisiu, the great hero—
loved him to his death.
I don’t sleep, I can’t sleep—
the son of Uisliu will never return.”
If Conchobar tried to calm her, she would say, “What are you thinking, you who heaped sorrow upon me? I might live a hundred years or more, and yet even then I wouldn’t have any love for you. You took the thing I loved most in the world, and I will not see him until I die. I weary of you—I see nothing but the dark stones of the grave covering Noisiu, once so bright and beautiful.”
And if he persisted, she would say to him, “Fergus wronged us, taking us over the sea to you. He sold his honor for a drink. If all the warriors of Ulster gathered before us today, without hesitation I would trade them all for Noisiu. Do not break my heart further today; I am not long for the grave. My sorrows are higher and heavier than the waves of the sea. If you were wise, you would know this.”
One day, Conchobar tired of this and asked, “Who do you hate most?”
“You and Eogan mac Durthecht!” she said.
“Then go live with Eogan for a year,” he said.
He gave her to Eogan, and the next day the three set out for the gathering at Macha. Derdriu was behind Eogan in the chariot. She looked down, so that she would not have to see the two men she hated most. She had sworn that neither of them would have her.
Conchobar had been watching her and Eogan, and when he saw her look down, he said, “Your glance is that of a ewe between two rams, Derdriu, sitting here between me and Eogan.”
Up ahead, there was a big boulder. When she heard him, she leapt up and struck her head upon it, smashing her skull to bits, and she was dead.
Even then, Conchobar was jealous that Noisiu and Derdriu dwellt in death together, and he ordered that their graves be far apart from one another. Yet every morning, the graves were found open, with the lovers inside one of them. To keep them apart, Conchobor had stakes of yew driven through their bodies, and the graves remained closed.
This was the story of Derdriu. Of beauty in death. Beauty brought Derdriu death: the death of the sons of Uisliu, the death of many in Ulster, and lastly her own death.
It was not death itself that was beautiful. The beauty was how Derdriu lived. Destined for a tragic fate even in the womb, was there ever any escape for her? And yet she chose, again and again, to turn away from the path laid out for her. Again and again, she chose the son of Uisliu.
Perhaps that had always been her fate. Or perhaps not. Prophecies are fickle things.
Years passed. Ulster and Connacht went to war. Cúchulainn stood alone against Medb’s invading army, and was later betrayed; death, winged raven, perched on his shoulder. Conchobar heard of the death of Christ and became so angry at the injustice that blood sprang from his head and he died. His eldest son Cormac was invited out of exile to be king of Ulster, and swearing friendship with Aillil and Medb, returned—only to meet death at the hands of men of Connacht. Fergus met death at the hands of Ailill, who met death through the plotting of Medb, who met death by the patient vengeance of one of Conchobar’s sons. Emain Macha was abandoned for Ard Macha close by, which became Armagh, where Saint Patrick built his church.
Two yew trees grew from the stakes in the graves. They grew and grew, until they became so tall that they could entwine with each other at last, centuries later, over the cathedral at Armagh.
Sources: “The Tragical Death of the Sons of Usnach,” The Cuchullin saga in Irish literature, Eleanor Hull (p. 22-53) and “Exile of the Sons of Uisliu,” The Táin, translated by Thomas Kinsella (p. 8-20).
Additional Notes: Because this was meant to make the medieval tales more approachable, in parts of my retelling there may be dialogue and such that read like simplified/altered versions of the original sources. I highly recommend reading the originals, linked below, for a fuller appreciation of the tale, especially Kinsella’s, as in my opinion his translations are the most readable and beautiful of any I’ve read. I’m happy to provide more detail about the adaptation process, the history behind the literature, and the wider context of the Ulster Cycle if anybody has questions.
#inklingschallenge#inklings challenge#four loves fairy tale theme challenge#theme: eros#theme: storge#fairy tale: exile of the sons of uisliu#story: complete#my writing#irish mythology#ulster cycle#wasn't quite sure how to tag it properly because I feel that all four of the types show up in the story#but since they're basically all related and the whole mess is started by a romantic affair I went with those two#this is LONG jsyk#like really long#also in case anybody is interested in the academic side of things:#I tried to stick to the older spellings but I was inconsistent#particularly with the fada I think 😅#(the fada is the little mark above some of the letters)#the ending condenses quite a bit of the rest of the Ulster Cycle#especially the death tales#also also since it isn't really explicitly stated in the original sources#I left out how Noisiu is (I think??) supposed to be a nephew of Conchobar#which tbh would track with the Celtic love triangle (young warrior nephew loves the old king's queen/beloved) that shows up everywhere#Arthur Guinevere and Lancelot (or Mordred)#Mark Iseult and Tristan#Fionn Grainne and Diarmuid#etc etc#(ask me someday about the Celtic love triangle because I have THOUGHTS)#anyway my point is that everybody here is basically related somehow#even Medb is Conchobar's ex-wife lol
24 notes
·
View notes
Note
Hi!! I’d like a matchup, if you’re doing them still. My name is mar, my pronouns are she/they/he, and I’m a lesbian but since that terribly limits my options let’s just ignore that. Im a libra sun, Capricorn moon, Scorpio rising (and Scorpio Venus lol), ESTJ 3w4.
My main love language is quality time. I tend to like people who I can also be friends with (I’ve had the episode of falling in love w my best friend lol it’s a universal sapphic experience). People who I can spend fun times with, who share my interests and stuff, because then I feel like I’ll be able to share myself with them. I dont show it outward often but I’m a huge nerd lmaooo
I’m currently double majoring in musical theatre and intl relations. Theatre is a lifelong passion and what I’m looking to make my career, I’ve been in a few productions and they’ve been the greatest experiences of my life. Intl relations is a niche little academic interest (also my parents wanted me to also get a “conventional” major) that combines all my niche little study interests: history, political philosophy and theory, and learning about the different cultures of the world.
I’m also a huge nerd for astrology and personality typology (mbti enneagram etc) I’ve been learning astrology on my own for two years now and it’s fascinating to me. I’ve gotten pretty good at reading birth charts (even have some mysme astrology headcanons) and absolutely LOVE learning anything I can about the subject. It is, to me, a way of understanding not just how people work but also the mechanisms of life itself.
I also like writing, reading, and playing games in my free time. Rn I’m into reading stuff like essays and poetry collections and stuff. And my favorite game to play (the only one I play consistently really lmao) is genshin. I like it’s aesthetics and the lore has me absolutely sucked in. I also sing a lot, and dance. As for activities I like to do: anything social. Going to cafes and bars, going to plays, (unironically) shopping.
I’d say I’m pretty aloof in relationships. I’m really bad at expressing my feelings for the other person, I tend to be a bit insecure on that regard. I like to keep my distance, both physically and emotionally lmao. I’ll talk about whatever with you but it’s hard for me to be actually vulnerable. I struggle with burying my feelings with work and other activities, or disconnecting from the emotional side of the issue by looking at the practical.
My friends all describe me as very funny and I guess I am. I like seeing the humor in things and often point it out, and I don’t take things too seriously at times. I’m also pretty hard to read, but I’d say that’s bc I don’t tend to trust people enough to be truly open with them. I would obviously love for that to happen, though.
It takes a lot for me to fall in love, but when I do, I’m always hooked for a long, long time. I’m like… offhandedly possessive, wanting to spend all day with the person. I also want to know everything about them, like discover them kinda. Tbh I’m not very experienced with love in general (but curiously I write about it a lot).
Anyway that’s all I think is relevant about me idk if it’s a lot or not hehe I’m curious to see the matchup. Love ur stuff!!
I match with you...
Jumin!
It may come as a surprise, or it may not. It's just something about your energy that says that the two of you would mesh well together in your romantic typing. It's because the two of you understand each other better than anybody else ever would. When you are easily misunderstood by other people, it's hard to find that one person who just knows what you're talking about. In this case, when the two of you make eye contact, it's easy to see that you are kindred spirits that have been lost from each other for some time.
You both trust but only when it is necessary. You know when to set boundaries and when to be wary of the people around you. You know how to control yourself in the moment even if the emotions inside of you are going all over the place. You're just the kind of person that needs somebody who can be strong so that you have a moment to be weak. In Vice versa, it would also be important. He never lets himself have a moment with his guard down so would you, it's nice to know that he can do it without fear.
With that said, it's not that hard to imagine that he would have a vetted interest in astrology because it's not all that far off from the dark magic that he normally likes to read about. There's a lot of overlap in these interests so it's something he knows. He may not be as well-versed as you but you can trust that he can easily keep up in a conversation and makes you feel like you have somebody who listens. It's rare to have somebody listen to you when you're talking about something that you're passionate about because people may not understand how much it means to you when you talk about it. He knows what that feels like.
4 notes
·
View notes
Text
Prince Iwa-Chan
Oikawa!Sister x Iwaizumi Hajime
a/n: it aggravates me that my mans bara-arms-iwa-chan is so UNDERRATED!!!!
requests open!!
like look mom, im in love
ofc youre an oikawa
tbh, i dont think iwa wouldve been comfortable w you when yall first met
lets say youre a year younger than tooru
its a well-known fact that theyve been friends since they were really young so you, being oiks’ baby sister, was also part of your little trio
like lets say they met when they were 6
that would make you about 5
since yall have an older sister, you were exposed to the girly girl stuff like dolls and princesses
ngl, tooru was too thats why hes so flamboyant
but seems his fashion style refutes that
ya didnt hear that from me
anyways
tooru had already developed a deep fascination w volleyball bc he saw it being played during the 2000 summer olympics
but you remained w your sister and continued letting her treat you like a princess
im not really sure how old his sister is but lets say she was about around middle school when you were 5-6
however, tooru still made you play w him even though you didnt know how but you didnt care bc you were close w your brother so you would play ball w him
then came along iwaizumi hajime that tooru met from school
he found out that this boy also liked volleyball and tooru yeeted them both home so they could go and play at the back yard
you peeked from your window and you just thought iwa was the most handsome boy youve ever met
ofc, you just bolted down the stairs to where your brother and his friend was
oiks saw you standing by the door w a red face and him, being still a child and not understanding crushes, thought you were sick
he went to you and beckoned hajime to follow him inside
tooru sat you down and asked if you were okay but you just kept staring at hajime
he figured that you were just confused as to who this person was
‘oh! iwa-chan! this is my little sister, y/n! y/n, this is my classmate, iwaizumi hajime!’
cue iwa hitting him at the head
‘i can introduce myself perfectly fine, bakakawa!’
iwaizumi hajime,,,
iwaizumi hajimeee,
iwaizumi y/n
that thought made you turn even redder and you squealed in embarrassment before running back to your room
lmao what
if your personality doesnt align w this, i deeply apologize
i just think if you were an oikawa, you would bound to immediately also be drawn to this handsome specimen named iwaizumi hajime
he be getting the oikawas though
iwa was actually concerned but oiks waved it off
‘don’t worry, iwa-chan. shes weird like that. lets go toss the ball!’
so that was kinda how he met you
now, since hajime basically lived in your house by how much him and your brother hung out, youve slowly mellowed out and gotten to be friends w him
despite your hatred w bugs, you still went w them to explore just bc you wanted to be around hajime
lmao tooru youre now irrelevant
hajime didnt mind and he always made sure you were okay with the adventures of the day
even though you were only like a year younger, he cant help but baby you bc of your much smaller height than him and overall cute baby face
one day, they both came home from school all sweaty bc they raced home
‘iwa-chan! you can settle in the living room while i go shower!’
‘don’t call me iwa-chan, bakakawa!’
‘then stop calling me that!’
he sat down on the couch and started doing his homework when he heard you come home from school
lmao how do little japanese kids go back and forth from school to home at the age of 6
idek how to cross the street
‘tadaima’
‘oh, okaeri, y/n’
you perked up at his voice and you ran to the living room, seeing him
‘iwa-chan!’
he grunted and you threw yourself to him in a hug
if your personality doesnt align w this, i deeply apologize
i just think if you were an oikawa, you would bound to immediately also be drawn to this handsome specimen named iwaizumi hajime
part 2
tbh it doesnt even faze him anymore since you do this to him every time
he continues doing homework and just wraps one arm around you and starts patting your head
‘tooru-nii?’
‘shower’
‘okay’
then silence
but its the good kind of silence
you and iwa just sit there with you snuggled up on him while he continues to add numbers
then it was ruined
by the pterodactyl oikawa tooru who comes flying down the stairs and glomps on to iwa’s other side
‘y/n-chan! stop hogging iwa-chan!’
‘he’s mine, tooru-nii!!’
you pout while iwa turns and gives him a glare
‘shut up, bakakawa! and stop calling me that!’
‘aahh!! you were mine first, iwa-chan!’
‘i was never yours! be quiet!’
‘itai, iwa-chan!’
‘he’s mine forever! we’re going to get married so butt out, nii-chan!’
‘HAH?!’
once everything calms down, yall actually start your homework and work
‘anything happen today, y/n-chan?’
oikawa always asked that question bc he believes its his duty as older brother to be caught up in your life
thats actually annoying bruv
‘hmm, me and the girls in my class were playing princess tea party today and a boy asked to be my prince.’
‘WHAT!’
oikawa is 7 now and he faintly has an idea about crushes and his father made him promise that he would protect you from nasty boys
‘calm down, bakakawa’
iwa mumbled, continuing his homework but also paying attention
‘WHAT!? NO! WHATD YOU SAY, Y/N-CHAN! YOUR BROTHER IS THE ONLY PRINCE YOU NEED!’
‘i told him i already have a prince’
oikawa was so smug and crossed his arms
‘hm, serves them right-’
‘prince iwa-chan and i are going to get married and live in a castle so there’s no room for anybody else’
iwa had to double check and turned red really fast
like who was this iwa-chan
wait, what his name?
his name has iwa in it
is he iwa-chan?
y/n’s prince iwa-chan?
was he really iwa-chan?
‘NO! YOUR NII-SAN IS YOUR PRINCE! IWA-CHAN CAN BE YOUR KNIGHT OR SOMETHING! BUT IM YOUR PRINCE!’
you glared at tooru and shook your head
‘no. iwa-chan is my prince’
you were so shamless about this fact
lmao i want your confidence
from then on, youve called iwa as your prince
like his name on your phone is literally prince iwa-chan
then when you were in middle school, you’ve started calling iwa as haji-senpai
there wasnt even a large event that spawned this
well,,, actually,,
youve noticed that iwa hated the nickname ‘iwa-chan’ a lot and he hit tooru many times bc of it so you stopped calling him that bc you didnt want him to be mad at you
so you started calling him senpai bc he was technically an upperclassman
when you first called him this, iwa was lowkey shook
‘haji,,,, senpai?’
you nodded from your spot on the couch, not looking up from your homework
‘see? i can only call iwa-chan, iwa-chan! OOF!’
that was iwa hitting tooru at the face with his pencil case
‘y/n, you dont have to call me that. we’ve known each other since we were little so you dont have to call me by an upperclassman term’
you shrugged
‘i know. but you dont like it when you’re called iwa-chan, do you?’
‘not if it’s by this trash’
he jutted a thumb to the fallen tooru
‘so,,,, iwa-chan is fine?’
your eyes sparkled at the permission of being able to freely call him that without worry
he gulps at your face and turns away to hide his red face before nodding
‘my prince iwa-chan!’
‘no! my iwa-chan!’
‘shut up shittykawa!’
‘itai, iwa-chan!’
keeping up with the oikawas
this nickname will forever be stuck
since you went to the same middle school, you were known to be around your brother and iwa and even staying behind for practice to walk home w them
it became a bit of a joke to the team of you picking up your prince
one day, a teammate called iwa, ‘prince iwa-chan’ and he almost busted a fuse
was ready to square up bc only his babie can call him that
but when you came through the door
‘prince iwa-chan! your princess is here!’
he turned all soft and squishy and pats your head so gently that they couldnt believe this is the same boy who is the ace
you were interested in volleyball so you were kinda friends w the team but you didnt really care for the sport, mainly focusing on your academics
thats how it really was for you three
they focused on sports while you studied
oh my here comes highschool
oikawa and iwa were already known throughout the FREAKING PREFECTURE bc of how TALENTED THEY ARE AT VOLLEYBALL
and you were already known by your pretty face and your cute personality
basically genderbent oikawa
and just wanted to stop you from reading by telling you that you are beautiful and you are a KWEEN and you are a GODDESS and confidence is the most beautiful thing to wear and best of all, it’s free!!
ofc, youd have to go to aoba johsai bc your brother was there
‘y/n-chan! you need to go where your brother is! you love him, don’t you?’
‘sure, tooru’
you actually went to seijoh bc you would see iwa
you didnt hear that from me
your first day, boys (and gals) were already flocking towards you when they saw you walking with iwa and tooru
still being the overprotective brother since day1, oikawa was just snarling at anyone getting close to his baby sister
lmao what baby
hes only like a year older
but iwa was being terrirorial protective bc he finds it as an obligation as tooru’s best friend and your childhood friend
when oiks wasn’t paying attention and being drowned by his fangirls, iwa was your bodyguard
there was this one boy who started walking towards you as yall were going to your class but hajime placed an arm around your waist and pulled you closer
‘oh? i’m only at the first floor, iwa-chan. don’t get all clingy now’
lmao, girl hes trying to show that boy that hes your unofficial mans and will cut off his family jewels if he tries to even BREATHE in your direction
umm,,, iwa’s not yandere in this one yall
iwa just rolls his eyes and makes you walk forward until yall are at your door
‘i’ll see you later, iwa-chan!’
‘yea yea. i’ll pick you up’
he starts to walk down the hallway but you poke your head back out and shout
‘i miss you already, prince iwa-chan!’
he turns red all over and freezes for a 0.0002 seconds before raising a hand without turning around
now ladies and genitals
this is when iwa-chan starts to catch feelings like he catches them spikes
your cute smling face and saying his dumb nickname that he actually loves was like a recipe for a stroke for him
it has come to the point at the mere thought of you would make him all flustered and red
it tripled over when this happened:
puberty was kinda late for you and you actually just woke up looking like a goddess one day and you were like, lmao what
your chest just ballooned up and your height just skyrocketed that your skirt was now very short
ew i dont know what i would do in this situation
you were self-conscious about this and was kinda scared
obvs, you would scream for your mother and she and your father and brother bolts up to your bedroom thinking there was a whole michael meyers in your room
but when you explained that your uniform doesnt fit anymore, she starts making appointments to get you fitted for another one
but you had to wait for a few days
so you went to school looking like a whole snacc
more of a snacc than you did before
when iwa saw you, he had a literal nosebleed in the middle of campus and runs to the bathroom to get all cleaned up
why in the name of asahi do you look like that?!
when you saw your prince look at you in horror and run away, you cried
you were already very self-conscious and him doing that just topped the cake
cake that tooru doesnt have
oop imsorry
tooru reassures you that he had a nosebleed and he was just sick and ran to not get any blood on his clothes
but you just walked away with your head down low
it didnt matter to you if this caught all the student body’s attention
that their precious oikawa y/n, little sister of the oikawa tooru, was a walking perfection goddess Venus
all that you cared about was iwa’s opinions bc he was your prince and your best friend
girl, accept that you actually like the mans
this was the worst day of your entire life and you went straight to your locker to get your gym clothes out and wear it for the day
it was tight but at least it covered skin
and it still attracted enough attention to be catcalled and whistled at
it felt violating
the entire morning, there was more attention and more people flocked over to you and guys were staring at you as if you were a piece of meat, not a girl
‘harry potter is a boy! not a piece of meat!’
sorry i cant help it
you were so uncomfortable that you called your brother during lunch time to come pick you up for lunch bc you were too scared to walk alone after being catcalled during your walk to your class
tooru sends out iwa to go help you as an apology from this morning and he just runs to your class bc you were in trouble and he was going to protect you!!
go iwa-chan!
he finds you sitting on your chair, looking down at your desk as there seemed to be boys piled up on top of each other, trying to get your attention
first world problems, amirite
‘OI!’
that angry grunt but at 2x bass boosted
hearing his voice, you were still embarrassed from earlier but you were so relieved
‘iwa-chan!’
iwa pushes people away and he grabs your hand to pull you up before wrapping an arm around your waist, protectively
‘if i see you idiots making her uncomfortable or even trying to touch her, i will destroy you’
protection and the feeling of safety is my fave
he leads you out of there to the stairway where him and his teammates were eating
he held your hand tightly and you squeezed it, trying to show that you were grateful
even if they were still male, your brother was there and if something happened, they were both strong enough to take them on
besides, its just mattsun and maki anyways
tooru saw you and he hugged you before leading you to the 2 others
‘guys, this is y/n, my sister. that’s mattsun and that’s makki.’
you slightly smiled and raised a hand in greeting
‘yo’
‘hello’
to be safe, iwa made you sit a step down from him so that if something happens, he could protect you
idk how but you do you boo
‘i can protect her too, iwa-chan!’
‘shut up, shittykawa. youre literally sticks and bones’
‘so mean! iwa-chan, you’re so mean!’
you giggled, head leaning down to rest on iwa’s right thigh since you were full and tired and he runs his hand through your hair
mattsun and makki shared a look before asking
‘are you dating our ace, y/n-chan?’
at the mention of dating, you both turned red and you sat up
‘OF COURSE NOT, MATTSUN, MAKKI!’
iwa shouts but his red face and ears betrayed him
‘iwa-chan grew up with us so he’s naturally like that. we’ve adopted him into our family!’
oikawa explained but you looked at him and he gave you a knowing look
oh he noticed everything
the lingering looks during practice
the bashful smiles during hang outs at home
unnecessary touches during the walk to school
oikawa may be annoying but he’s observant and he is smart
after that fiasco, the two boys were a little wary of letting you walk home alone so iwa offered to take you since he was already making more progress and didnt need extra practice while tooru wanted to practice more
‘iwa-chan, can we go to your house this time?’
he turned to look at you curiously since you never ask to go to his place
‘i miss your mom and ive been meaning to go visit her. so can we, iwa-chan?’
you squeezed his hand and showcased your pleading look making him agree
‘fine’
his house wasn’t a frequently hung out spot since your house was closer but you were still familiar with his home since his mother was fond of you
‘tadaima’
mama iwaizumi peaked from the kitchen and greeted him home before squealing at the sight of the youngest oikawa
‘oh my, y/n-chan! hello!’
‘hello, auntie!’
she gave you a big hug and you returned it with a laugh
iwa just standing there to the side with a smile bc his mom approves so all is good in life
‘you’ve grown so much, y/n-chan! so much prettier too!’ you turned bashful at her compliments.
then she leaned forward to whisper in your ear but made her voice loud
‘say, has my son finally ask you to be his girlfriend?’
omg mama iwaizumi really ships it
iwa turns red and complains to his mom about being in his business too much
‘don’t be so timid, hajime! y/n-chan could be taken from under your nose any minute now!’
‘dont you think i know that’ he mumbles but very lowly so that no one hears him
but you decide to tease him more
‘no. but i’m waiting for it. i’ll tell you once he does, auntie!’
fed up with the teasing, he grabs you and drags you up to his room to change into comfortable clothing
you sit on his bed while he rummages through his closet for a sweatshirt and sweatpants
‘here! change into these!’ he shouts, still flustered and refusing to look at your eyes
youre an oikawa and you lived to tease so you stood up, tossing the clothes to the side and wrapping your arms around his neck
ooo gurl you want iwa to die today, don’t you?
he gets even redder and scowls
‘oi, y/n, what are you doing’
you shook your head
‘nothing. i just miss my prince iwa-chan. you were so brave for saving me today, prince iwa-chan’
the nickname used to not affect him that much but now, he watches the it fall from your cherry lips
‘say my name’
you furrowed your eyebrows
‘iwa-chan?’
he gently shakes his head no
‘my real name’
‘iwaizumi hajime’
you say, distracted at the way his mouth moves
‘and what’s yours?’
‘iwaizumi y/n’
you breathed out
he growls softly before taking your sinful lips
wowza jesus took the wheel bc he stepped on that pedal
we going straight 100 mph up in this bih
iwa really said, ‘skip the confession. imma go straight for my babie girl’s lips. also, proposal who? let’s go get married in vegas!’
it wasnt even been literally 15 minutes until you came bounding the stairs wearing hajime’s signature grey hoodie with his seijoh sweatpants and calling for your auntie to announce you were now dating are going to get married
‘WHAT!?’
she screams and comes running from the kitchen, holding a ladle
you flashed a grin while iwa shows a small smile with red cheeks from behind you before telling you that you were both too young to get married
‘i told ya you would be the first to know’
after dinner, you call your brother and hes like, ‘okay, since you’re not at home i’m assuming youre at iwa’s’
‘omgomgomg, nii-chan! i just had dinner with my boyfriend’s family! they accepted me!’
‘BOYFRIEND?! DOES IWA-CHAN KNOW!? HOW COULD YOU BREAK HIS HEART?!’
oikawa just has that special type of voice that even without being on speaker phone, it sounds like he is
iwa laughs at his friend’s worried questions
‘better hand over your princess to the prince, grand king’
oikawa screamed
i hope i did my mans justice
#iwaizumi hajime#iwaizumi#iwaizumi hajime imagines#iwaizumi hajime x reader#iwaizumi x reader#iwaizumi imagines#haikyuu imagines#haikyuu x reader#iwaizumi hajime fluff#iwaizumi fluff#iwa chan#oikawa sister#oikawa reader#oikawa#haikyuu#haikyuu fanfic#iwaizumi hajime fanfic#iwaizumi fanfic#hq iwaizumi#iwaizumi headcanons
2K notes
·
View notes
Text
“Abominable neglect and unkindness”: Fanny Price and Trauma
I have C-PTSD, and it’s really been on my mind as I’ve been rereading Mansfield Park by Jane Austen: her heroine of Fanny Price is so OBVIOUSLY traumatized that I started making notes upon notes upon notes in my kindle copy on her symptoms and their causes. A couple of my followers said they’d be interested to read my analysis if I wrote it up, and it doesn’t take much to encourage me to put a few thousand words on the page screen! So below is my (probably WAY too long) analysis of Fanny Price’s emotional trauma and complex PTSD (a form of PTSD often caused by long-term emotional abuse/neglect). It’s hella long. sorrynotsorry lol
*unleashes inner academic*
Part 1: How Fanny Price Was Traumatized
Trauma 1: She is taken from family and home.
Okay, imagine this: You’re ten years old. You grew up in a noisy, lower-middle-class family with multiple little siblings and both your parents. You are the oldest girl, and are important to all the members of your family because you act as “playfellow, instructress, and nurse” to your younger siblings. You are also “exceedingly timid and shy”. And suddenly you find out that your mother is SENDING YOU AWAY--far, far away--to aunts and uncle and cousins you’ve never met before, to be raised by THEM instead of your parents. Leaving everything else out of the equation for a second, that by itself would be ABSOLUTELY DEVASTATING. You would feel like your parents didn’t love you and didn’t want you. You weren’t important to them. You might wonder what you did wrong to be sent away. And THEN it turns out you’re NEVER COMING BACK. EVER. Fanny doesn’t see her family again until she is, I think nineteen years old. At first, she doesn’t even have the means to write to her brother William, which was to be her ONLY connection to her family: it seems her parents don’t write to her at all over the course of the novel.
All of this would be bad enough. But to come to a place that was entirely alien to everything you had known... I mean, think about it. This is Mansfield Park, an ENORMOUS house with MANY servants, a completely different way of doing things. There’s MONEY. Even the items around you are of a totally different quality than you’re used to: Austen says of Fanny’s initial impression of Mansfield, “The grandeur of the house astonished, but could not console her. The rooms were too large for her to move in with ease: whatever she touched she expected to injure, and she crept about in constant terror of something or other; often retreating towards her own chamber to cry.” The accent people speak with is probably different. The vocabulary is probably different. And everybody DEFINITELY thought she was under-educated (more about this in a bit) because she didn’t have the education of a gentleman’s daughter--because she ISN’T a gentleman’s daughter. It must have caused her intense culture shock.
Trauma 2: William’s absence
It’s clear that in her childhood in Portsmouth, William is the dearest member of Fanny’s family (see below for a discussion of her parents). When Fanny first arrives at Mansfield, Edmund discovers that,
dear as all these brothers and sisters generally were, there was one among them who ran more in her thoughts than the rest. It was William whom she talked of most, and wanted most to see. William, the eldest, a year older than herself, her constant companion and friend; her advocate with her mother (of whom he was the darling) in every distress. ‘William did not like she should come away; he had told her he should miss her very much indeed.’
Fanny’s one really warm and loving connection seems to be with William, and she is parted from him, first by her move to Mansfield, and then by his going to sea:
Once, and once only, in the course of many years, had she the happiness of being with William. Of the rest [of her Portsmouth family] she saw nothing: nobody seemed to think of her ever going amongst them again, even for a visit, nobody at home seemed to want her; but William determining, soon after her removal, to be a sailor, was invited to spend a week with his sister in Northamptonshire before he went to sea. Their eager affection in meeting, their exquisite delight in being together, their hours of happy mirth, and moments of serious conference, may be imagined; as well as ...the misery of the girl when he left her. Luckily the visit happened in the Christmas holidays, when she could directly look for comfort to her cousin Edmund.
Fanny continues a correspondence with William when he is at sea, but it’s clear that his long absence from her life is very difficult for her.
One final note on her being parted from her family for long intervals: I think we might actually see a sign of this trauma in an emotional flashback later in the book.
For those unfamiliar with complex PTSD, flashbacks don’t always mean that you have a sort of hallucination of a traumatic experience. In the case of complex PTSD and PTSD from early childhood trauma, flashbacks often occur in the form of “emotional flashbacks”: instead of re-experiencing the sensory input of the traumatic experience (seeing and hearing the experience all over again when triggered), emotional flashbacks consist ONLY of the emotional content of the trauma. They result in sudden rushes of negative emotions such as fear, shame, sorrow, despair, embarrassment, anger, etc. This may be partly because the trigger is acting on so many different traumatic memories at once (the brain can’t just pick out one to show to you) and partly because the traumatic memory being triggered is from so early in your childhood that you don’t have a direct memory of it anymore, just the trauma memory. Emotional flashbacks can be identified by comparing the emotional response to the stimulus: If the emotion is inappropriate for the situation or inappropriately intense, it may well be a flashback.
In this scene, Miss Crawford--whom Fanny does not care for at all--is taking her leave of Fanny: I find it to be illuminating.
And embracing her very affectionately, “Good, gentle Fanny! when I think of this being the last time of seeing you for I do not know how long, I feel it quite impossible to do anything but love you.”
Fanny was affected. She had not foreseen anything of this, and her feelings could seldom withstand the melancholy influence of the word “last.” She cried as if she had loved Miss Crawford more than she possibly could.
It sounds to me as if Fanny is having a negative reaction that is out of proportion for and inappropriate to the situation. Miss Crawford is leaving, and Fanny is GLAD that she is leaving. Nonetheless, she is involuntarily emotionally “affected” by Miss Crawford’s goodbye, and cries far more than is actually in keeping with her feelings. It seems like Fanny is triggered by the leave-taking and “the melancholy influence of the word ‘last’.” Fanny has had traumatic leave-takings from her family and her beloved William; and things like “This is the last time I’ll see you for who knows how long” must have been said to her before in intensely traumatic situations. So it’s no wonder she gets triggered by this situation’s similarity to those and has an out-sized emotional response. Separations from her family and from William were definitely traumatic to her and reminders of them now trigger trauma responses.
Trauma 3: Emotional neglect by parental figures
Fanny might not have been so badly traumatized by leaving her family and being separated from William if she had had emotional support from adult caregivers. Research has shown that if a child has even ONE adult to whom they can talk openly about their feelings, that can insulate them against the effects of trauma.
Fanny doesn’t have this. Both Sir Thomas and Lady Bertram are emotionally neglectful and distant.* Lady Bertram is pleasant, but is entirely self-centered and doesn’t really GAF about anybody or anything that doesn’t directly affect her. While she never abuses or hurts Fanny with unkindness, she also never comforts her, listens to her, or seems to do anything but get Fanny to fetch and carry for her and do half her sewing for her. There is a total lack of emotional connection between them until considerably later in the story.
[*Footnote: Miss Lee is surprisingly absent from the narrative and seems to be of no emotional support to Fanny whatsoever.]
Sir Thomas is worse. While he intends to take good care of Fanny--and to his credit, he does make sure she has her material needs met, is well educated, gets exercise, etc--he cannot be said to be NICE to her. Even when she first arrives, when he is trying his hardest to be kind, Austen says, “Sir Thomas, seeing how much she needed encouragement, tried to be all that was conciliating: but he had to work against a most untoward gravity of deportment.” He’s not good with kids, and he seems to be highly critical of Fanny, especially before his return from Antigua. Apparently he used to terrify her in childhood by catechizing her on her lessons in French in English, which implies he constantly found her wanting. His parting words to her on the beginning of his voyage to Antigua are downright scalding: “If William does come to Mansfield, I hope you may be able to convince him that the many years which have passed since you parted have not been spent on your side entirely without improvement; though, I fear, he must find his sister at sixteen in some respects too much like his sister at ten.”
JFC, Tommy-boy. Throttle back a little, can’t you?
He’s not popular even with his own daughters: Austen says of Maria and Julia, “Their father was no object of love to them; he had never seemed the friend of their pleasures, and his absence was unhappily most welcome. They were relieved by it from all restraint”. Sir Thomas comes across as a bit of a martinet, always finding fault and always saying no. At best, he doesn’t seem to be at all warm and encouraging, and appears to be almost entirely ignorant, not only of what Fanny’s character is like, but also about his own daughters’ characters.
There’s also the problem of his lack of understanding and compassion for Fanny. She describes him as “all that was clever and good,” but both his cleverness and goodness frequently seem to be lacking. He doesn’t understand Fanny’s feelings any more than he understands those of Maria, sending Edmund to sound Fanny out on the subject of Mr. Crawford because he CANNOT understand how a woman might not love a man that was clever, pleasant and rich. While he provided the money to raise Fanny, his disregard of her is clear when he sends her on a long visit to Portsmouth, where her health suffers. Even Crawford recognizes Sir Thomas’s likeliness to neglect her:
I know Mansfield, I know its way, I know its faults towards you. I know the danger of your being so far forgotten, as to have your comforts give way to the imaginary convenience of any single being in the family. I am aware that you may be left here week after week, if Sir Thomas cannot settle everything ... without involving the slightest alteration of the arrangements which he may have laid down for the next quarter of a year.
Sir Thomas, while priding himself (and being praised by others) as being so kind and clever, has low emotional intelligence and too little care for Fanny. Despite his occasional kindnesses, and her claim on his care as his direct dependent, she is not one of his priorities.
Of course, Fanny’s own parents would have had the strongest effects on her earliest years (especially considering the Prices didn’t seem to have a nanny or governess, so Mrs. Price would have been responsible for all her education, as well). It’s clear that Fanny’s mother didn’t show her much love in her early childhood: Mrs. Price is described as
“the ‘mama’ who had certainly shewn no remarkable fondness for her formerly; but this [Fanny] could easily suppose to have been her own fault or her own fancy. She had probably alienated love by the helplessness and fretfulness of a fearful temper, or been unreasonable in wanting a larger share than any one among so many could deserve.”
We can see Fanny here doing what so many emotionally neglected children do, making excuses for their parents and assuming that the emotional neglect and abuse they suffer are somehow THEIR fault. Many emotionally abused or neglected children believe that they’re too loud, too needy, too much, and even ugly, blaming themselves for their parents’ rejecting and disgusted behavior toward them.
It’s proven, however, when Fanny goes home, that her parents are just as neglectful of her as she felt them to be formerly. Her father is “negligent of his family”, and her mother clearly does not really love her:
Mrs. Price was not unkind; but, instead of gaining on her affection and confidence, and becoming more and more dear, her daughter never met with greater kindness from her than on the first day of her arrival. The instinct of nature was soon satisfied, and Mrs. Price’s attachment had no other source. Her heart and her time were already quite full; she had neither leisure nor affection to bestow on Fanny. Her daughters never had been much to her.* She was fond of her sons, especially of William, but Betsey was the first of her girls whom she had ever much regarded. To her she was most injudiciously indulgent. William was her pride; Betsey her darling; and John, Richard, Sam, Tom, and Charles occupied all the rest of her maternal solicitude, alternately her worries and her comforts. These shared her heart: her time was given chiefly to her house and her servants.
[*Footnote: I have to stop here for a moment and mention poor Susan, whom I like better at every reading. With Mrs. Price only loving her sons and Betsy, with Mary dead and Fanny gone, Susan was for years THE ONLY completely unloved child in the house, which must have been pretty awful. It’s clear that Fanny and Susan have suffered rather similar fates in being raised without love, and Susan only responds more with irritation and Fanny more with tears: “Susan was only acting on the same truths, and pursuing the same system, which [Fanny’s] own judgment acknowledged, but which her more supine and yielding temper would have shrunk from asserting. Susan tried to be useful, where she could only have gone away and cried”. Please tell me somebody’s written a sequel about Susan?]
Again, while Mr. and Mrs. Price are not CRUEL, they’re not KIND, either. They are deeply emotionally neglectful toward Susan and Fanny, and Mrs. Price shows favoritism for the rest of her children, thus hurting her daughters further. Fanny’s probable surmise when she was sent away that she was not loved or wanted by her parents unfortunately appears to be very true. While an adult like Fanny can rationalize such behavior by her parents (even if it pains her), a child cannot do so, and the Prices’ lack of love for their own daughter must have been traumatizing and contributed to her belief that she can never matter to anybody (more on this in a bit).
Trauma 4: Lack of Companionship: Maria and Julia (and Miss Lee)
Fanny’s education when she arrives at Mansfield is not that of a gentlewoman--hardly surprising, given both her family’s socioeconomic position and her mother’s busy-ness with her family and general indolence. Maria and Julia’s education on scholarly subjects is clearly much stronger (they’re also 2-3 years older than her), and we know that their moral education was neglected, so that they only care about whether Fanny is rich and well-educated like themselves:
They could not but hold her cheap on finding that she had but two sashes, and had never learned French; and when they perceived her to be little struck with the duet they were so good as to play, they could do no more than make her a generous present of some of their least valued toys, and leave her to herself, while they adjourned to whatever might be the favourite holiday sport of the moment, making artificial flowers or wasting gold paper.
They’re generous enough to give her presents (though their least-valued belongings), but not generous enough to actually spend time with her, and it appears that this pattern holds throughout Fanny’s time at Mansfield.
At first, Mrs. Norris, Sir Thomas, and Miss Lee all think her actually stupid instead of just ill-educated: we are told that not only did Miss Lee “[wonder] at her ignorance,” but
A mean opinion of her abilities was not confined to [Sir Thomas and Mrs. Norris]. Fanny could read, work [that means “sew”], and write, but she had been taught nothing more; and as her cousins found her ignorant of many things with which they had been long familiar, they thought her prodigiously stupid, and for the first two or three weeks were continually bringing some fresh report of it into the drawing-room.
You would think that the adults at least would realize that Fanny hadn’t had the opportunity of a gentlewoman’s education, but no, they attribute it to natural stupidity instead of opportunity:
“My dear,” their considerate aunt would reply, “it is very bad, but you must not expect everybody to be as forward and quick at learning as yourself.”
It is only Edmund who perceives that Fanny is not only NOT stupid, she’s actually clever:
He knew her to be clever, to have a quick apprehension as well as good sense, and a fondness for reading, which, properly directed, must be an education in itself. Miss Lee taught her French, and heard her read the daily portion of history; but he recommended the books which charmed her leisure hours, he encouraged her taste, and corrected her judgment: he made reading useful by talking to her of what she read, and heightened its attraction by judicious praise.
One wonders, if a sixteen-year-old boy hadn’t decided to undertake part of Fanny’s education himself, how much worse off would she have been?
That Fanny’s companionship fell almost entirely to a teenage boy six years her senior who spends most of the year away at boarding school/university, is a ringing indictment of the behavior of Maria and Julia, and of those who should have been encouraging them to make a friend of their cousin.
Trauma 5: Mrs Norris (who gets a fucking section all her own)
Here we are. We’ve finally come to it. The other four traumas would certainly have been sufficient to cause C-PTSD, but JFC, Mrs. Norris could have caused it all by her lonesome. While she comes across as amusing in Austen’s sardonic style, she is absolutely toxic for Fanny’s mental health.
Mrs. Norris seems to have had an out-sized effect on the three Mansfield girls. Generally, mothers were in charge of the education of their daughters (even if indirectly, through a governess), so while Sir Thomas did examine them on their lessons, it was really supposed to be Lady Bertram’s job to see to their practical and moral education. But Lady Bertram is an absolute zero, a completely passive character, and Austen says directly that, “To the education of her daughters Lady Bertram paid not the smallest attention.” So it seems like the much more active Mrs. Norris stepped in, and her influence was extremely strong with all three of them, despite her being married and having her own house and her own concerns for the first seven or so years of Fanny’s time at Mansfield.
We can see her influence with all three in the fact that all three of the Mansfield girls end up evaluating themselves in almost perfect accordance to how Mrs. Norris evaluated them. Maria, the golden child*, became very spoiled and proud and thought she could do almost whatever she wanted. Fanny, the scapegoat, came to believe that her only worth was in being “useful” (Mrs. Norris’s hobby-horse) and that she could never be of any importance to anybody. And Julia, while closer to Maria’s level of treatment than Fanny’s, also suffers from comparisons to the golden child:
That Julia escaped better than Maria was owing, in some measure, to a favourable difference of disposition and circumstance, but in a greater to her having been less the darling of that very aunt, less flattered and less spoilt. Her beauty and acquirements had held but a second place. She had been always used to think herself a little inferior to Maria.
[*footnote: Treating one child as the golden child and one as the scapegoat is a very common tactic of abusive caregivers. The scapegoat becomes entirely worn down in self-esteem so that she is powerless to fight back against the abuse. The golden child and other children see how the scapegoat is treated and try hard not to rock the boat because they don’t want to end up like that.]
Mrs. Norris teaches Fanny from the beginning to judge and reject her own natural emotions. On her first traumatic separation from her family, Mrs. Norris lectures her incessantly on how she ought to be HAPPY, not sad:
Mrs. Norris had been talking to her the whole way from Northampton of her wonderful good fortune, and the extraordinary degree of gratitude and good behaviour which it ought to produce, and her consciousness of misery was therefore increased by the idea of its being a wicked thing for her not to be happy.
Fanny is taught to regard her own natural feelings as “wicked”, especially when they are a negative reaction to how the Bertram/Norris family treats her. While she can see some of her own feelings as just--when they have been sanctioned by Edmund’s judgment--any feeling that tends away from perfect gratitude toward the Bertram/Norris family she immediately rejects as an immoral response. She frequently takes herself to task at these moments. Anger and resentment are natural responses meant to help us protect ourselves against mistreatment from others, and this self-defending response is entirely squelched by Mrs. Norris’s behavior to her.
Mrs. Norris’s behavior toward Fanny is not only emotionally abusive; it is also at least physically neglectful, if not physically abusive. Despite the fact that everyone agrees that Fanny “is not strong”, Mrs. Norris makes a lot of difficulties in Edmund’s attempts to make sure Fanny has a horse to ride, and also refuses to allow Fanny a fire in the East Room, even in the middle of winter, a privation that ever Sir Thomas thinks bad enough that he countermands it--though doing so with a little explanatory disclaimer to Fanny explaining why Mrs. Norris MEANS well and why Fanny shouldn’t dare to be angry, or indeed anything but immensely and forever grateful for their neglectful treatment of her:
Your aunt Norris has always been an advocate, and very judiciously, for young people’s being brought up without unnecessary indulgences; but there should be moderation in everything. She is also very hardy herself, which of course will influence her in her opinion of the wants of others. And on another account, too, I can perfectly comprehend. I know what her sentiments have always been. The principle was good in itself, but it may have been, and I believe has been, carried too far in your case. I am aware that there has been sometimes, in some points, a misplaced distinction; but I think too well of you, Fanny, to suppose you will ever harbour resentment on that account. You have an understanding which will prevent you from receiving things only in part, and judging partially by the event. You will take in the whole of the past, you will consider times, persons, and probabilities, and you will feel that they were not least your friends who were educating and preparing you for that mediocrity of condition which seemed to be your lot. Though their caution may prove eventually unnecessary, it was kindly meant; and of this you may be assured, that every advantage of affluence will be doubled by the little privations and restrictions that may have been imposed. I am sure you will not disappoint my opinion of you, by failing at any time to treat your aunt Norris with the respect and attention that are due to her.
~*GAAASSSSS-LIGHTINNNNGGGGGGG*~
“Oh, shit, you’ve been freezing to death here for years because your aunt’s an abusive asshole. Oh, but there are three million excuses for her, and also you’re SO GOOD AND GRATEFUL that I KNOW you’ll never allow yourself to see it for the abuse it was, and aren’t you so GRATEFUL to us all for everything we’ve done for you? We MEANT well. And being abused was good for you anyway. If you ever get mad at your abusers I’ll treat you with withering criticism.”
*gagggg* I could write an entire essay explicating the gaslighting in that passage ALONE.
I could go on and on about Mrs. Norris’s abusive behavior toward Fanny, but I think most of it’s perfectly obvious to the reader. I think a very interesting argument might be made on whether Mrs. Norris would count as having a form of narcissistic personality disorder--always worried about her own importance, living through her golden child Maria, taking everything out on her scapegoat, insisting always on associating her own value with that of Sir Thomas and Lady Bertram and insisting on Fanny’s status being lower because her own self-esteem is dependent on being as good as her sister Bertram and better than her sister Price. Might be interesting.
Part 2: Fanny Price’s Trauma Responses
Complex emotional trauma expresses itself in a number of symptoms and behaviors. We’ve already talked about emotional flashbacks, and I’m going to look at four more major aspects of Fanny’s trauma responses.
Anxiety and Hypervigilance
People with PTSD often suffer from hypervigilance, where their body is constantly on high alert for threats in their environment. These threats are not only physical threats (resulting in things like jumping really hard at sudden noises) but also interpersonal threats. For instance, whenever I hear people talking really quietly in my house, I stop whatever I’m doing and listen REALLY HARD because I’m worried they’re talking about me and it’s gonna be bad.
Fanny exhibits this same behavior when she has retreated to the East Room when Crawford is in the house to propose to her:
She sat some time in a good deal of agitation, listening, trembling, and fearing to be sent for every moment; but as no footsteps approached the East room, she grew gradually composed, could sit down, and be able to employ herself, and able to hope that Mr. Crawford had come and would go without her being obliged to know anything of the matter.
Nearly half an hour had passed, and she was growing very comfortable, when suddenly the sound of a step in regular approach was heard; a heavy step, an unusual step in that part of the house: it was her uncle’s; she knew it as well as his voice; she had trembled at it as often, and began to tremble again, at the idea of his coming up to speak to her, whatever might be the subject. It was indeed Sir Thomas who opened the door and asked if she were there, and if he might come in. The terror of his former occasional visits to that room seemed all renewed, and she felt as if he were going to examine her again in French and English.
Her trembling at the sound of her uncle’s footsteps looks like hypervigilance, and the fact of her childhood “terror” being “renewed” sounds like she’s having another flashback, since she so strongly associates the presence of her uncle in the East Room with those painful childhood visits. She reacts with physical symptoms of stress, trembling at his approach.
Fanny’s anxiety and hypervigilance also demonstrates itself in her being constantly convinced that people are going to be angry with her. When she turns Mr. Crawford down, for instance, she is CONVINCED that Miss Crawford is going to be furious with her, and fears to meet with her. Edmund tells her Miss Crawford isn’t REALLY angry with her, but cannot convince her:
The promised visit from “her friend,” as Edmund called Miss Crawford, was a formidable threat to Fanny, and she lived in continual terror of it. As a sister, so partial and so angry, and so little scrupulous of what she said... she was in every way an object of painful alarm. ...The dependence of having others present when they met was Fanny’s only support in looking forward to it. She absented herself as little as possible from Lady Bertram, kept away from the East room, and took no solitary walk in the shrubbery, in her caution to avoid any sudden attack.
Fanny is so terrified of a polite confrontation with Miss Crawford, whom she has never seen angry before, that she spends DAYS trying to never be alone so that she’ll feel protected by the presence of company! Of course, when Miss Crawford DOES visit, she’s nothing but friendly. But Fanny’s PTSD couldn’t allow her to believe that until it happened. Her anxiety is intense, and this sort of thing happens repeatedly over the course of the novel.
Over-accommodation of others / people-pleasing
Childhood emotional trauma frequently leads to people-pleasing behavior: doing what you do not want to do simply because someone else wants you to. To understand this, you have to put yourself into the point of view of a very young child or an infant. Children depend entirely on their caregivers for survival: they are aware of this on an instinctive level. If the caregiver shows them very conditional love, only appearing pleased with them when the child does things they like and displeased when the child does things that inconvenience them, the child quickly learns that they need to please their caregivers in order to survive. “Mom gets angry when I cry--Mom doesn’t like me to cry--if Mom gets angry at me, I could starve to death--I need to not cry.” Obviously this line of thinking happens on a subconscious rather than a conscious level, but it’s incredibly powerful nonetheless. I have found myself in situations where a person with some kind of power over me--a doctor, for instance--shows displeasure with something I say to them, and I INSTANTLY find myself backing off, making light of it, taking back everything I said, etc, even though I very much meant it and it needed to be said. The people-pleasing instinct is very strong and difficult to overcome.
In Fanny’s case, it isn’t just a matter of her caregivers showing her inconsistent love in early childhood. Even as an adult, she is fully aware that she needs to please the Bertrams, or she--and her family!--are SCREWED. She is entirely financially dependent on the Bertrams. If she displeases them, not only can they make her life at Mansfield even MORE uncomfortable than it already is, but they can send her back to Portsmouth. Even worse, they could stop their financial support of William and the financial support they are periodically sending to the rest of her family. Huge things hang on Fanny’s pleasing the Bertrams, and it’s small wonder she has developed the habit of trying to please everybody constantly (even her un-pleasable Aunt Norris).
Fanny repeatedly does things she doesn’t want to do, simply because someone asks or tells her to, even if there’s likely to be no major consequences if she doesn’t. One example is on Miss Crawford’s last visit to Mansfield, when Fanny is trying her darnedest to avoid speaking with her alone:
[Miss Crawford] was determined to see Fanny alone, and therefore said to her tolerably soon, in a low voice, “I must speak to you for a few minutes somewhere”; words that Fanny felt all over her, in all her pulses and all her nerves. Denial was impossible. Her habits of ready submission, on the contrary, made her almost instantly rise and lead the way out of the room. She did it with wretched feelings, but it was inevitable.
Fanny doesn’t want to talk to Miss Crawford alone. Fanny doesn’t NEED to talk to Miss Crawford alone. Fanny could stall, perhaps until Miss Crawford left. Nonetheless, the MOMENT Miss Crawford asks it of her, Fanny does it--even though she’s clearly terrified, feeling it “in all her pulses and all her nerves” (more on this physical reaction later). She acts almost like Ella Enchanted: she literally can’t say no.
Likewise, she doesn’t take opportunities she is offered to do things that she DOES wish to do. After a very long description of how much she wants to dance one evening, when her only chance of a partner is Tom, the following exchange occurs:
When he had told of his horse, [Tom] took a newspaper from the table, and looking over it, said in a languid way, “If you want to dance, Fanny, I will stand up with you.” With more than equal civility the offer was declined; she did not wish to dance. “I am glad of it,” said he, in a much brisker tone, and throwing down the newspaper again, “for I am tired to death.”
Fanny DOES want to dance, and the way that he worded the question, she could very well have said, “Yes, please,” and gotten up to dance with him. He has made it obvious that he doesn’t want to dance, and she has picked up on this and said--not only that they don’t have to dance, but the LIE that she doesn’t WANT to dance--in order to please him. Later Austen points Tom out as a hypocrite when he complains, “It raises my spleen more than anything, to have the pretence of being asked, of being given a choice, and at the same time addressed in such a way as to oblige one to do the very thing, whatever it be!” But while it is true that Tom left Fanny LITTLE choice in the matter, it is also true that a stronger character, like Miss Crawford, could probably have found a way to say that she DID want to dance, even with such an unencouraging questioner. Fanny cannot do this: she has been conditioned all her life to give in to people--because her very SURVIVAL has depended on it.
In particular, Mrs. Norris has squelched Fanny’s independence of spirit very firmly. At one point she observes, very unfairly,
There is a something about Fanny, I have often observed it before—she likes to go her own way to work; she does not like to be dictated to; she takes her own independent walk whenever she can; she certainly has a little spirit of secrecy, and independence, and nonsense, about her, which I would advise her to get the better of.”
As a general reflection on Fanny, Sir Thomas thought nothing could be more unjust.
Obviously, Mrs. Norris is completely wrong about this. But as long as she can project* the fault of independence on Fanny, and punish Fanny for this false fault, she can prevent her from ever developing it. By picking on the least little supposed sign of independence and harping on it for ages, Mrs. Norris can prevent Fanny from ever developing a will of her own.
[*Footnote: this is another thing narcissists do: they project their own bad behavior on to others. Mrs. Norris is definitely not secretive, but she is very “independent” and has a lot of “nonsense”--instead of consulting with others about what they actually need in any given situation, she TELLS them. She has no spirit of cooperation, and all her “services” to others tend to be officious and useless.]
Low self-esteem
I thought about putting this together with the section on Mrs. Norris, because Fanny’s self-esteem has been so much shaped by her aunt. This is the kind of message Mrs. Norris is constantly drilling into her about the lowness of her importance:
The nonsense and folly of people’s stepping out of their rank and trying to appear above themselves, makes me think it right to give you a hint, Fanny, now that you are going into company without any of us; and I do beseech and entreat you not to be putting yourself forward, and talking and giving your opinion as if you were one of your cousins—as if you were dear Mrs. Rushworth or Julia. That will never do, believe me. Remember, wherever you are, you must be the lowest and last.
This message is so entirely in keeping with the messages Mrs. Norris has been indoctrinating Fanny with over the years that she has fully internalized it. When a primary caregiver tells you over and over again that you do not matter to anyone, you come to believe it:
[Fanny:] “I can never be important to any one.”
[Edmund:] “What is to prevent you?”
“Everything. My situation, my foolishness and awkwardness.”
“As to your foolishness and awkwardness, my dear Fanny, believe me, you never have a shadow of either, but in using the words so improperly. There is no reason in the world why you should not be important where you are known. You have good sense, and a sweet temper, and I am sure you have a grateful heart, that could never receive kindness without wishing to return it. I do not know any better qualifications for a friend and companion.”
“You are too kind,” said Fanny, colouring at such praise; “how shall I ever thank you as I ought, for thinking so well of me.”
Fanny’s “I can never be important to any one” sounds very much like a triggered teenager sobbing, “Nobody will ever love me!” even while friends next to her are demonstrating that they DO love her. The survivor of this kind of abuse comes to a place where their beliefs do not reflect reality because their beliefs instead reflect the intense emotional rejection they have received from their main caregivers*. Fanny is important to Edmund, William, and Lady Bertram, but is convinced that she not only is NOT important to ANYONE, but never CAN be. She also convinced that she is foolish and awkward, probably by the early experiences at Mansfield when she didn’t know all the intricate rules of high society and was far behind Maria and Julia in her education. Fanny, though she is extremely shy, manages to carry off most things with surprising grace, and she is clever and has a wisdom and common sense in some things far beyond her years. Yet she is CERTAIN that she is “foolish and awkward”, because she has been repeatedly called so by authority figures in her life and almost all of her family at Mansfield.
[*Footnote: these extreme beliefs are often couched in “black-and-white” language: “EVERYBODY hates me, NOBODY loves me, I’ll NEVER be able to do it right, I’ll be alone FOREVER”. We can hear this in Fanny’s “I can NEVER be of importance to ANY ONE”.]
Fanny not only thinks very lowly of herself, she also is afraid of being praised or of anything that could possibly raise her self-esteem. For instance, in a discussion with Edmund, she explains why she never wants anybody to notice her:
[Edmund:] “Your uncle is disposed to be pleased with you in every respect; and I only wish you would talk to him more. You are one of those who are too silent in the evening circle.”
[Fanny:] “But I do talk to him more than I used. I am sure I do. Did not you hear me ask him about the slave-trade last night?”
“I did—and was in hopes the question would be followed up by others. It would have pleased your uncle to be inquired of farther.”
“And I longed to do it—but there was such a dead silence! And while my cousins were sitting by without speaking a word, or seeming at all interested in the subject, I did not like—I thought it would appear as if I wanted to set myself off at their expense, by shewing a curiosity and pleasure in his information which he must wish his own daughters to feel.”
“Miss Crawford was very right in what she said of you the other day: that you seemed almost as fearful of notice and praise as other women were of neglect.”
She is literally fearful of notice and praise--because Mrs. Norris has told her repeatedly throughout her life that she must NEVER shine more than Maria or Julia, must NEVER take attention away from them--a sort of vicarious narcissism. And Fanny feels that to receive a compliment, to state her own opinions, or even to TALK much in company is “stepping out of her place”, the high crime and misdemeanor of Mrs. Norris’s upbringing.
I was raised by a narcissistic caretaker, and I am sometimes suddenly overwhelmed with terror that I’m taking too much attention to myself and that I’m therefore BAD somehow. Because a narcissist (or their proxy, the golden child) must always be the center of attention, the scapegoat is emotionally punished for ever taking the spotlight. Mrs. Norris is disposed to be upset when Sir Thomas holds a dance in Fanny’s honor, and is only reconciled to it because SHE will be able to make herself the center of attention in the preparations.*
[*Footnote: I think another argument can be made for Mrs. Norris’s narcissism in her response to Crawford’s proposal to Fanny:
Angry she was: bitterly angry; but she was more angry with Fanny for having received such an offer than for refusing it. It was an injury and affront to Julia, who ought to have been Mr. Crawford’s choice; and, independently of that, she disliked Fanny, because she had neglected her; and she would have grudged such an elevation to one whom she had been always trying to depress.
Mrs. Norris is DETERMINED to put Fanny down, as the scapegoat, and is offended that one of her golden children (her emotional stand-in) is shown less honor in this situation than the scapegoat. For the scapegoat to be elevated and her narcissistic stand-in to be neglected induces a narcissistic rage.]
“Sensibility” and High Sensitivity
In the 18th century, a theory and “culture of sensibility” grew up in places like Britain, France, Holland, and the British colonies. Encyclopedia.com’s article on sensibility states, “Sensibility (and ‘sensible’ and ‘sentiment’) connoted the operation of the nervous system, the material basis for consciousness.” But the workings of the nervous system, they believed, affected more than just the physical body. Some people, it was held, had greater sensibility than others: their nerves were more easily affected by not only physical but also emotional and moral input, and they responded accordingly--not just in word and in deed, but in tears, blushes, trembling, fainting, etc. It was believed that people’s emotional responses AND physical responses could tell you something about their physical AND moral makeup. A truly modest woman, for instance, would blush and look confused when confronted with something that offended her maidenly modesty. A woman--or indeed, man--who was truly moral and “sensible” would be emotionally affected by something sad, such as a tale of oppression, to the point of openly weeping. A heroine of sensibility would most likely faint if threatened with something she found, not only physically frightening, but morally abhorrent (such as a forced marriage). This is part of the reason for what seems to use like excessive emotional reactions in some 18th-century novels: the writer is demonstrating her characters’ moral superiority through their physical sensibility.*
[*Footnote: Encyclopedia.com adds, “The coexistence of reason and feeling was assumed, but the proportion of each was endlessly debated, above all because of what many saw as the dangers of unleashed feelings... [After the French Revolution,] The debate over the proportions of reason and feeling in persons of sensibility was politicized, and the need for women to channel their feelings toward moral and domestic goals was reemphasized. The word ‘sentimental,’ which had been used positively, became a label for ‘excessive sensibility’ and self-indulgence.” We can see this conflict clearly in Austen’s Sense and Sensibility!]
There is, in fact, a modern equivalent to the 18th century idea of sensibility: the concept of the Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) or Sensory Processing Sensitivity (SPS). First proposed by Elaine Aron's book The Highly Sensitive Person (1996), the theory suggests that SPS
is a temperamental or personality trait involving "an increased sensitivity of the central nervous system and a deeper cognitive processing of physical, social and emotional stimuli". The trait is characterized by "a tendency to 'pause to check' in novel situations, greater sensitivity to subtle stimuli, and the engagement of deeper cognitive processing strategies for employing coping actions, all of which is driven by heightened emotional reactivity, both positive and negative". (wikipedia)
While some people have mocked this theory as pseudoscience, Aron is by no means the only researcher to have studied it, and a great many people who suffered from people telling them “You’re too sensitive” when they were hurt have taken comfort in the positive affirmation that high sensitivity is a natural phenomenon and can even at times be regarded as a strength rather than a character flaw.
It seems to me that there is a good deal of overlap between those who self-identify or may be identified as HSPs and those who have C-PTSD. Whether this is because greater emotional sensitivity leads to a greater incidence of traumatic responses to negative experiences, or whether high sensitivity is itself a product of repeated childhood trauma, I can’t say. (Heck, it could even be that the HSP’s belief that they’re over-sensitive comes from childhood gaslighting!)
What I can say is that Fanny Price exhibits, not only hypervigilance, but also what Austen would call “great sensibility” and I would call “SPS”. Fanny has the greatest sensibility of any character in the entire novel, even Edmund: she judges more clearly on moral matters than Edmund or Sir Thomas, and has the strongest physical and emotional reactions to stimuli. She seems to be constantly blushing, trembling, or tearing up. This is not only painful to modern readers (who, if they’re not pained by sympathizing with her, may well be pained by what seems to them a lack of proper 21st-century backbone in a main character) but is clearly highly uncomfortable at times to Fanny herself. She might be able to pride herself on her moral discernment (not that Fanny would EVER pride herself on ANYTHING), and she may be in transports of happiness when something good, like William’s arrival or promotion, occur, but she is often “cast down” as well by things that seem to others like trifles. We see this not only in her hypervigilance but also in the depression and the black-and-white thinking which are often the products of trauma. Edmund observes to her, “It is your disposition to be easily dejected and to fancy difficulties greater than they are.” Fanny’s apparent high sensitivity may be just a natural trait (made worse by trauma) or may itself be a product of trauma.
Conclusions
At the end of all this, I’m really not sure what I think about Fanny’s “happy ending”. On one hand, she gets what she’s always wanted in life: companionate marriage with Edmund, valued by Sir Thomas and Lady Bertram, with Mrs. Norris (and Maria) gone forever, and Julia and Tom chastened and better behaved. It seems perfect for her. But a little voice inside of me keeps saying how very unlikely it is. People rarely change as much as Sir Thomas does in the book--and in fact, we are only assured by Austen that Sir Thomas comes to value Fanny more: we don’t actually SEE it. I can’t help but feel that Fanny must still have been subject to ongoing gaslighting about how she was brought up and about respect toward Mrs. Norris and himself. Fanny got what she thought she wanted, but at the same time, she didn’t get free. Especially considering that Austen goes out of her way to say that things COULD have turned out differently and that Fanny and Crawford COULD have been happy together, I can’t help but wonder what would have happened if Fanny had ended up with the ONLY person in the entire book who truly recognizes how badly she has been treated at Mansfield Park:
[Crawford]: And they will now see their cousin treated as she ought to be, and I wish they may be heartily ashamed of their own abominable neglect and unkindness.
#jane austen#mansfield park#trauma#c-ptsd#literature#tired and shagged out following a prolonged squawk
63 notes
·
View notes
Photo
It may be a little late, but here is this week’s talentswap! Consider this a Talentswap Thursday (Hey, the alliteration is still there!). Introducing Myth, the Former Ultimate Cosplayer!
——————————————————-
BACKSTORY AND TALENT
Because she was wracked with scoliosis as a kid, Myth only had anime and the manga her parents bought as modes of entertainment. Luckily, with many operations, Myth managed to get on her feet and out into the real world. But because of her past, Myth only has anime characters (particularly shoujo heroines) to model her behavior around. Myth eventually became famous around school for her skill in textile work, and eventually she started getting commissions from her classmates. But perhaps what she is best known for is her uncannily-accurate and self-made cosplay. If there is an anime convention going on somewhere, you can always count on Myth being there with a brand new cosplay. Myth is now currently making a living as a professional cosplayer and model, but she’s currently taking some time off to chaperone this year’s Ultimates and Jr. Ultimates.
——————————————————-
RELATIONSHIPS
Wyre Anon, Former Ultimate Magician
When Myth first entered Hope’s Peak, the first person to catch her eye happened to be a charming magician in a tuxedo, the ideal mysterious and male shoujo lead. Even after figuring out that this seemingly charming guy just happens to be a loud and rough-and-tumble girl, Myth’s admiration and slight crush on Wyre didn’t fade in the slightest, and they are only the best of friends, even in their adult years. Myth loves to be Wyre’s adorable assistant in her magic shows, and Myth usually lets Wyre model her crossplays (in which Wyre looks damn stunning in them). If someone messes with Myth, Wyre hexes them for life.
Outfit: A black top hat with a ragged red rose on the top, black eyeshadow, a black coat over a white dress shirt with a popped collar, black dress pants and matching shoes and cape.
Anon Scar, Ultimate Astronaut
Despite only being a teenager, Scar managed to ace both the physical and academic exams that the prestigious astronomical institute hands out to her, and is on her way to become a full-fledged astronaut. The intelligence and caring/maternal nature of Scar are unconvincingly covered up by the self-created facade of being an evil alien overlord, being sent down by her superiors to conquer the entire galaxy, starting with Earth. Myth loves Scar’s dark aesthetic and lets Scar model her dark and elaborate dresses and suits. Scar secretly keeps the edgy cosplay Myth created, for they make her feel “powerful”.
Outfit: A black scarf with star badges, a black and white jumpsuit, black boots with yellow soles, makeup from original design.
Fusion Anon, Ultimate Detective
Originally working at his grandfather’s detective agency, Fusion was exposed to crime and investigation, ever since he was little. Originally handling simple cases, such as lost pet and infidelity cases, Fusion stumbled upon and eventually solved an elaborate homicide that eluded even his grandfather, earning him his status as the Ultimate Detective. With Fusion’s wild hair, enormous appetite, and cheerful, yet protective (and almost paternal) attitude, Myth thinks that Fusion wouldn’t be out of place in a shonen anime. Fusion happens to also be a massive anime nerd, which lead to the cosplayer and detective bonding easily.
Outfit: An oversized grey overcoat, a blue vest over a white dress shirt and a red necktie, blue pants, and black loafers, glasses from original design.
Fusion Anon II, Ultimate Adventurer
Sightings of a mysterious girl with a flowing dress and a sunhat cropping up all over the world made international headlines, with many people making theories on the true identity of this mysterious girl, especially since she responds to all questions directed towards her with either memes or sarcastic remarks. That mysterious girl eventually became known as Fusion II, who was eventually given a place to stay at Hope’s Peak, and was given the title of the Ultimate Adventurer, for the sheer scope of her globetrotting. Much to the dismay of the globetrotter, Myth figured out about Fusion II’s nerdy side, and wouldn’t stop bringing it up.
Outfit: A white sun hat with a red ribbon, a red pashmina scarf, a white parka with light blue fluff on the inside, a flowing blue skirt and grey hiking boots, sunglasses from original design.
Just Anon, Ultimate Entomologist
Being regarded as a prodigy when it comes to studies of animals and nature, Janon specializes in and is a pioneer in the study of insects, having discovered several new and previously-undiscovered species of insects, thanks to his fool-proof method of insect capturing: sleeping in the middle of the forest and letting the bugs crawl all over him. Myth is rather afraid of insects and she regularly turns to the lazy, cynical and foul-mouthed insect expert if she encounters a creepy-crawly, much to the annoyance of the helmeted scientist, who just wants to go to sleep with his insect friends surrounding him.
Outfit: A helmet that resembles a rhinoceros beetle, a camo-colored hoodie and matching pants, dirt-stained boots, face mask from original design.
Sparkle Anon, Former Ultimate Anthropologist
As a devout lover of foreign cultures, Sparkle wrote books detailing both her experiences traveling and the philosophies and mysteries of the charming foreign places that she visits. Sparkle also happens to be a devout lover of anime, particularly magical girl anime, and Myth’s cosplay of the leading lady of Sparkle‘s personal favorite magical girl anime. When Sparkle heard that the famous cosplayer would be chaperoning the Kibo-Con trip alongside her, Sparkle fangirled, to put it lightly. Myth and Sparkle love to roleplay as the two leads of Sparkle’s favorite magical girl anime and pretend their fighting the monster of the week.
Outfit: A brown overcoat draped over her shoulders Yasuhiro-style, a smaller brown jacket, dark blue gloves, a red-and-cream plaid skirt, black leggings, brown boots, glasses from original design.
Egg Anon, Former Ultimate Inventor, and Wet Sock Anon, Former Ultimate Pianist/Assassin
Despite the seemingly innocuous talents of the twins, Egg and Wet Sock are quite the devious duo, to put it extremely lightly. Wet Sock uses the alluring piano music that they play to shank people while they are in a trance and Egg invents the various weapons that are used in their twin’s assassinations. And that is ignoring the cursed comments that the two both sprout on a daily basis, that basically alienates them from practically all of their peers. While the cursed comments shatter the image of the “androgynous gentlemen” Myth thought they have, Myth simply adores the steampunk/mustache-twirling aesthetic that they both have.
Egg’s Outfit: Black and brown goggles, a short-sleeved white shirt, black suspenders, short brown pants with a black tool belt, black and brown rocket boots.
Wet Sock’s Outfit: A black jacket over a white dress shirt and a red tie with a gold treble clef on the front, black pants, black shoes, glasses from original design.
Curious Anon, Jr. Ultimate Tennis Pro
As a student of one of the most prestigious schools in all of the country, Curious truly has it all: being cool-headed, helpful, rich, athletic, and just so darn adorable. Curious has a massive fanclub at their private school for precisely all of those things. Curious is famous all around the country, for both their affluential family and his unparalleled skill in tennis, despite both their age and their height. In her anime-inspired journey, Myth managed to find both the kind athlete and the oujo trope all in one. Curious is all too eager to help Myth model both her male and female cosplays, and Myth agrees with Curious’s fanclub on their looks.
Outfit: Hair tied back into a small ponytail with a green and yellow striped headband, a white tanktop, a green cardigan tied over their shoulders, green and red shorts, knee-high white socks, green and white tennis shoes.
Anon Nerd, Former Ultimate Child Caregiver
Having been born and raised in an orphanage, Nerd was accustomed to taking care of children, being prepared for just about any scenario that a child could find themselves in. But despite his prowess at taking care of children, Nerd’s personality isn’t exactly child-friendly, for he is foul-mouthed, foul-tempered, and despite caring for children 24-7, claims to hate children. Upon noticing the contrast between Nerd’s temperament and talent, Myth figured out that Nerd was the token tsundere love interest within seconds of meeting him. It helps that even the kids at Nerd‘s orphanage have taken quite the liking to having Myth as a mom.
Outfit: Tan cargo pants with child care supplies in each pocket, black, red, and white sneakers, dress shirt and tie from original design.
Eldritch Anon, Ultimate Aikido Master
Having been both born and raised at an isolated temple, with only his master to keep him company, Eldritch’s master taught Eldritch to never let his guard down against anybody, for they can and will take advantage of his small and weak build. This life-long message, along with Eldritch’s constant aikido training, resulted in a short but strong boy, who beats anything he sees as a threat into a bloody and bruised pulp, and to Eldritch, anything and anyone could be a threat, so he punches everybody just to be safe. Not even the adorable and innocent is safe from Eldritch’s paranoia-fueled pummeling, much to the wrath of Wyre.
Outfit: Hair in a long ponytail with a white Nippon Ichi headband, a black gakuran top over a white tank top, black pants, white socks, brown geta sandals that boost his height.
Dream Anon, Ultimate Artist
Because Dream was extremely creative but hyperactive and impulsive as a kid, Dream’s parents gave her a large canvas that she could draw on, and within 15 minutes, Dream made an indisputable masterpiece, much to the shock and amazement of her mom and dad. Dream eventually signed up for several art programs and became a master in practically all art forms, with sculpting and coloring being her two favorite mediums. Because of their similar talents and attitudes, Dream was basically the shonen answer to Myth’s shoujo persona, being hyper and boyish, in contrast to the bouncy and girly vibes Myth gave off.
Outfit: A black beret on her head, a pink and white striped sweater, blue paint-covered overalls, a tool belt with art supplies, pink slippers.
Iris Anon, Jr. Ultimate Maid
Despite her less-than-stellar past being raised on the streets, she was eventually found, cleaned up, and was adopted into an influential family as their maid. Iris delivers all service with a smile, whether that’d be cooking, cleaning, or simply entertaining guests and business partners of the influential family, making even the most stoic and ice-cold business magnates leave the estate with a giddy and amused smile on their face. Myth loved a girl who can pull off a classic French maid, and definitely tried sticking an eyepatch or a dragon tail and horns on Iris, when she wasn’t looking, but Iris was all too happy to model for her.
Outfit: A standard black and white French maid dress and black stockings with red Mary Janes being the only splash of color.
PURPL-3 (aka. Purple), Ultimate Robot
Having been created by only the greatest masterminds of robotic engineering, Purple was created to be a literate robot who could read and recite books for blind kids. Because of her very purpose, Purple has a massively large vocabulary and uses very old-fashioned and archaic terms in her daily speech. When Myth heard that she’d be chaperoning an actual robot, Myth thought she was having some sort of fever dream, but lo and behold, Purple arrived in all of her robotic and extremely timid glory. Myth internally thought that the world is becoming more and more like science fiction everyday, upon being aware of Purple‘s very existence.
Outfit: A black beret with a satellite antenna on top, pale metallic skin, purple helmet-like hair, and black armor-like plating.
This series centers around Myth, dazzling everyone with her skills as a cosplayer, and perhaps finding love with someone.
——————————————————-
PERSONALITY
Basically, after recovering from her scoliosis, Cosplayer!Myth decided to reinvent her previous shut-in personality, to be more appealing to others (which succeeded by the way). She chose to model her new personality after shoujo heroines. Despite being (seemingly) ditzy and a massive klutz, she compensates for that by being very kind-hearted and being like an emotional rock for her classmates and conmates. She’s very hardworking on her commissions, often sacrificing sleep to work on her costumes (she hides the eyebags with makeup). Just like with regular Myth, Cosplayer!Myth thinks a lot like a romance novel, often trying to woo her prospective love interest with shoujo tropes.
————————————————-——
APPEARANCE
Cosplayer!Myth has her naturally brown hair dyed purple and tied into two massive pigtails with two red bows with stars in the center. She wears contact lenses, and her outfit is a simple seira fuku with a white dress shirt, a light blue ribbon, a darker blue skirt, tall white socks, and black Mary Janes.
————-——————————————
Once again, I’d like to apologize for being late. But, I hope you like the talentswap anyways! Let me know what you think of this swap in your reblogs!
#so cute lol#submission#anon#fusion anon#talentswap tuesday#art#not my art#iris anon#dream anon#purple anon#just anon#fusion anon ii#sparkling anon#egg anon#wet sock anon#eldritch anon#curious anon#anon nerd#anon scar#my evil twin#anon kg
5 notes
·
View notes
Text
I read the recent post about divination, and now I have some serious doubts. Like did I misunderstood entirely what the whole divination thing canonically is? I’ve read books couple of times, seen movies once, but it’s been awhile. I’ve read a small library of fanfics (99% Dramione), so I am no way a HP canon-lore expert. But that post left genuinely puzzled, like how does it go canonically? Was Hermione basically right or not? I would be grateful, if someone could either correct or confirm, whether my understanding of HP canon is true or not, please!
As I understood it, divination sort of is “real”, but in a quite nuanced way, and that Trelawney’s class didn’t (and probably couldn’t) teach “true divination”, and it was a waste of time for students wishing to learn that skill. Certain people simple are “true seers”, and this clairvoyance ability cannot be acquired or learned (at least in a controlled or widely understood way). It was heavily hinted at, that the talent is in-born, and possibly entirely hereditary, or at least considerably so (the reason for Trelawney’s job interview was that she was related to a famous seer).
Although, it’s also implied that astromancy is an exception, and via astronomy even those who are not seers can foresee future events to some degree (though it seems there’s large qualitative difference between these predictions and those made by “true seers”. Astromancy seems to be predicting very generalized trends, instead of specific events or happenings of individual people). However, this is more an impression one gets by the gravitas and dignity granted to Firenze and centaurs contra Trelawney (I think, Firenze did make accurate predictions, but they were so board and vague, thus is not clear whether they were just educated guesses or true foresight). If I recall no true predictions are made by any other method (Trelawney taught and practiced at least cartomancy, tasseomancy, and crystallomancy. Maybe also chiromancy and some others, which I don’t remember atm). More than that, it seems that true prophecies are not produced via any method, but rather received uncontrollably and involuntarily without any conscious effort or will.
All this leaves many open questions and a lot of room for quite different interpretations. The only seer we see in a great detail is Trelawney, and it’s not clear whether her circumstances were universally applicable or just particular to her. Like, do all true seers make their predictions by falling into an uncontrollable trance, or do some of those methods work for some other seers at least? Can this talent be cultivated or honed in any way? Can one manipulate circumstances for receiving these predictions? At least some portion of the wizarding world seems to believe, that divination is accessible to basically anybody, because the ministry approves teaching of it, and there’s learning material and curriculum beyond Trelawney. Though, the ministry seems to treat reading tealeaves different from true seers’ predictions, which are gathered and organized in by the department of mysteries, unlike Harry’s or Ron’s schoolwork.
There’s also a faint possibility that some form of milder divination is possible (something like predicting whether you will have a good day at the work by reading tarot cards), and Trelawney was just incompetent at teaching it. Existence of true seers doesn’t exactly logically contradict existence of lesser divination by non-seers. Still, the view that the only real divination is by done true seers (and possibly astromancy) seems to be canonically most likely, or the one JKR tried to convey. These other forms of divinations and omens are just wizarding superstitions some believe, including at least partly the ministry itself (like do the wizengamot or ministers consult diviners before making decisions. Or is it taught simply due a political inertia, like some atavistic custom or tradition from the past. Or perhaps divination is not there to teach the art, but to screen for potential seers from the youth).
I think, Hermione did acknowledge fairly early that there are true predictions, by true seers (at least I don’t think she ever objected when the whole chosen one prophecy was brought up, and she seemed to treat the affair with a total sincerity). Even if Trelawney was mostly a fraud, and her class a waste of time (my canonical understanding), and she was right in her criticism. It might not still be the real reason she quit the class, or it could’ve been at least only partial reason. If we imagine a different turn of events, and let’s say that Trelawney would’ve taken an instant liking to her, and praised her efforts and rewarded her with approval and good grades. Would’ve she dropped the course anyway, or rationalized herself believing truthiness and benefits of Trelawney’s class? Would her general opinion about divination change, if she was admired and accepted by her female peers, instead of ignored and shunned?
As I interpret Hermione’s character, it’s impossible to give a good answer to that, because in the canonical version the truth about Trelawney and divination in general is also both socially and emotionally convenient to Hermione. Being a multidimensional character, it’s very hard to say, how she would act in different circumstances, or what are all factors, which possibly influence her behavior and choices. I think, it’s a fair characterization to say that she clearly prices truth and objectivity in knowledge, beyond simple social or emotional utility. She pursues knowledge and truth at least partly for her own curiosity, pleasure and integrity.
In the other hand, it’s also true that she places a great importance and trust on authorities and she can be extremely authoritarian in knowledge (though her hierarchy is not exactly the official authority like the ministry, or the Daily Prophet, but this informal community of wizarding experts and academics who produce the books she loves, relies and trusts so much. And of course Dumbledore and Mcgonagall, and other exemplary Light side wizards and witches). She craves attention, praise and acceptance and recognition of not only authorities and the wider wizarding world, but also those around her.
I don’t think, there’s plausible answer for that, if she had a serious internal conflict between those two different sides of her personality. Canonically there’s no conflict, and her course is relatively clear on the matter. I would rate both outcomes in the case of conflict equally likely. That she would’ve continued divination, if she was “good” at it, and also that she would’ve dropped it, because her academic integrity. There are situations in which, she socially and personally inconveniences herself greatly, like telling Mcgonagall about the Firebolt, but it’s not exactly comparable, because she also believed that Harry could’ve been in a mortal danger. Besides, even if there was exactly comparable situation canonically, people are not always consistent on their priorities, and they might sometimes act quite differently in almost exactly similar situations.
Personally I am quite conflicted about JKR’s whole “Hermione is not like the other simpering girls”-bit. In most situations, when it raises its head, I find it quite infuriating (especially with her appearance). Often it is just a desperate and egotistical way to promote oneself, and denigrate feminine traits and behavior. In the other hand, I’ve witnessed this happening in my own life (not to myself, but to people around me). Not a gender dysphoria or anything, but more like tomboys and girls who simply were not interested in things almost all other girls in their age-group were, and they got heavily ostracized and bullied for that by majority of girls. I can understand that certain women genuinely feel like that, and kind of objectively are not like other girls (in good and ill), and have issues with female friendships and female peer-groups.
It’s hard to say how common that is, but also I don’t like this idea of trying meme into reality that all women are automatically natural friends and allies with each other, and that the fiction should also reflect this. Or that only reason why this isn’t so, is some outdated beliefs or cultural practices, which can be easily remedied by simple education. Frankly, I don’t think it’s real to that extent, and trying to pretend it is, will lead to harmful outcomes for women, who will go in their lives trusting in it. Women do have shared interests as women, and there’s shared commonalities with other women, which are not shared by men. There’s kind of a sisterhood of mutual understanding and joy in friendships and kinship with other women as women. But in the other hand, there’s also a lot of rivalries and conflicts within the same sisterhood.
Still, the way she disparagingly frames Lavender’s and Parvati’s interest in a divination, as silly, superfluous and fake, is more in line with the former approach. It’s rather cheap jab towards astrology and women who enjoy or practice it. It’s hard to know even where to start with that, because women basically never base serious decisions in it. Mostly it provides them a framework and starting point to discuss different temperaments and personality types in people. Also, it’s just a little (harmless) excitement and bringing some enchantment back to the dreary and banal world and mundane routines most people suffer through. Nobody lost their house because of astrology, unlike men’s many astrologies, like cryptocurrency and “beating the markets” investment models and schemes. Besides, interestingly enough there’s some truth to astrology. unlike I-LOVE-SCIENCE midwit sceptic-bros believe :P
-----
Edit:
According to the HP WIKIA:
Divination is a subject taught at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. It teaches methods of divining the future, or gathering insights into future events, through various rituals and tools. The magic taught in this class, as well as the ability to say prophetic things is a branch of magic referred to as "divination."
So basically, while yes you have to possess the ability to "see", you as a regular witch or wizard can learn certain skills for divining. (Divining is an actual thing; To divine is the discover something by guesswork or intuition).
The WIKIA also says:
Divination is an elective subject available beginning in a student's third year. Students study a myriad of ways to scry information about the future, including tea dregs, crystal balls, visions, and Astrology and horoscope charts. Other methods of divining the future include smoke patterns, dreams, tarot cards, and the interpretation of prophecies, though the latter is quite rare. Guides and textbooks allow students of Divination to discern or translate what observed symbols intend to mean.
It's like here in the real world, some people believe in these things, others don't. But I think in the magical world, I'll personally will be more likely to believe in these things. And they seem like something kids should be exposed to a bit.
I think the problem was with the teacher. She probably wasn't the best person to teach and introduce these ancient and maybe not so widely used methods to the children. She is seen in the books/movies as bit of a nutjob, but she made that predicition about Voldy and Harry and so Dumbledore hired her to keep close incase she made probably more prophecies. It's funny though, everyone laughs about this subject and mocks it's teacher, but they whole heartedly believe the prophecy because Dumbledore says he believes it. Harry and his friends even broke into the Ministry to find it. So they take his word, but completely disrespects the actual person who made the prophecy in the first place. Makes sense -_-.
Hermione, she is a muggleborn, so of course she immdiately goes with logic and reasoning and science. It must have been hard for her to learn that magic is real and learn about this new world (even if she was excited about it). The thing with other subjects is that the results are immediate. When she casts a spell, it works automatically, it does what she told it to do. When she makes a potion, it looks/smells they way the books said it would and after using it, she sees/feels the effects. Divination isn't like that, you cannot get immediate results. You have to wait years for some things to happen but it may not always since other factors can influence it and completely change it.
So even in this magical world, she still operates with logic and facts and immediate results, just like in the muggle world. That's why it was difficult for her to "get" divination. Add on a rather incompetant teacher, a stressful third year where she overloads herself; it makes sense for her to just call it bullshit and quit. Maybe if the teacher did indeed like her and gave her praises, she may have not left so easily; she gets praises in other subjects and yes it does seem like she craves it. Hermione is incredibly Type A!
JKR admitted to basically modelling Hermione as herself. So if you think that Hermione's character was unnecessarily mean to Lavender and Parvati, JKR wrote it that way, maybe because she herself feels that way about women/girls like that. Should she have done that? No. Many girls loved Hermione, many saw themselves as her. There isn’t many nerdy girls who save the day in movies and shows and books. So reading about Hermione being popular and smart and liked and having awesome friends and saving the world, defeating evil, was amazing! But as an adult, looking back on things, you realise that Hermione is very much a "not like other girls" girl, and not in a good way. She is very condesending especially to other girls or people who are not as smart as her. And that isn't a good message to send to girls who relate to this character. And it tells you a lot about JKR herself (if her twitter didn't already)!
- Lisa
16 notes
·
View notes
Text
One piece matchup for @smol-fatale
Your age: 19 *Your general appearance - most striking features, your fashion style, etc.* I am short (152cm/5ft) and chubby (with an hourglass figure). I’ve been told that I have long legs and a short torso. I’m black with dark brown skin and a big kinky black afro. I would say my most striking features are my eyes. They’re wide, dark brown, and can stare into your soul. People also say that my smile is very beautiful. As for fashion, I adore hoodies and sweatshirts but I also like bodysuits and wide-legged pants (preferably high-waisted). Mostly, I have a very comfortable (and colorful) style unless it’s a special occasion where I want to show off my body. I also adore boots more than any other shoe on earth. I would wear them all year round if the weather permitted. I hardly wear makeup but when I do it’s very light and monochromatic (the same color for lips and eyes). For jewelry, I prefer gold over silver but I’ll wear both. I always wear a bracelet, necklace, and hoop earrings.
*Your MBTI, western zodiac chart, etc.* I’m an ENFJ-A, Scorpio sun-mercury-venus, Capricorn moon, Virgo rising, and Aquarius Mars. Plus I was born in the year of the snake.
*Your personality? How do you perceive yourself? And how do people around you perceive you?* I kind of have a different personality depending on who I’m around. With authority figures or in school, I’m generally quiet and don’t speak unless spoken to. That being said I’m not shy (though I can be perceived as innocent) and will voice my thoughts when asked. If I want to, it’s very easy to blend into the background. Academically, I’m a very high achiever as an honors student with a 3.9 GPA. It takes a while to warm up to people but with friends, I’m loud, extremely sarcastic, and can be quite vulgar/promiscuous. I hold nothing back around them and always ask the wildest/weirdest questions that can be off-putting at times. I also value honesty above everything else. I’m generally very optimistic and love to see the good in others (although I can have a tendency to ignore red flags). Since I can be so quiet at times, I’m a great listener, and people always come to me for advice. I love helping people and would do whatever I can in my power to help someone. However, on the flip side, I have a tendency to bottle my fears and worries, not letting anybody know about them. I wouldn’t want to be a bother to anyone. I love being catered to and pampered but I’m also very independent. People describe me as bubbly, kind, and confident almost like a literal ray of sunshine. People love my smile and laughter because they never fail to brighten the room. Above all, I want the people around me to be happy. I’m very empathetic and if they are happy, then I am too.
*Your hobbies, interests, life goals, etc.* I love music and literally can’t go a day without it. I used to adore reading physical books but now I mostly read (and write) fanfiction. I love learning, especially history. It’s my major and I want to be a museum curator when I graduate. If all goes as planned I’ll get my Ph.D. at 23. I also love traveling to experience different people and cultures. I haven’t truly left America but I do want to explore the entire world. I also spend a lot of time watching video essays/shows on various subjects, it doesn’t particularly matter what since I adore learning. Do I want to get married or have kids? Maybe, but that’s not a concern at the moment.
*Your favorites, likes, dislikes, pet-peeves, fears, etc.* I love brownies and museums (duh). I absolutely hate beaches and being told what to do, especially when I was already going to do something. I don't like when people are mean or egotistical. The world doesn't revolve around them and though their problems may be valid, they shouldn't put anyone down when voicing them. I fear being abandoned and forgotten. Ironically, I also have a tendency to push people away. Sometimes I'm scared that people will leave me behind or maybe there's no one that truly loves me. I know that's not the case but my brain loves to play tricks at times. That’s why I don’t like being left alone with my thoughts for too long.
*Any additional info you would like to share, fun facts, etc.* I’m bisexual (though I've never been in a relationship) and an only child. I prefer small groups of people rather than large crowds. I’m easy to laugh and I laugh until I cry. I'm pretty sure I passed out from laughing at least twice. (It was only for a couple of seconds though.) I’m allergic to every living thing in the ocean, even seaweed. I can only eat sea salt. I’m also allergic to any plant that produces pollen (virtually every flower) plus nuts and most fruits. I practically overdose on allergy medicine every spring and joke that I should get a bouquet of chicken nuggets instead of flowers on special occasions. I have a strained relationship with God because I went to Catholic school all my life but if/when I do pray, it’s for others, even those who have wronged me, because I feel that they should be protected no matter what. I have plans for about 13 tattoos (I don’t have any now) with the first being Scorpio’s constellation. My love languages are physical touch and quality time. I love playing with people's hair and if I have a crush I tend to follow them around like a lost puppy. I absolutely LOVE hugs and cuddles. They make me feel safe and loved. People say I’m the best hugger they met. When I’m with my favorite people, we don’t have to talk when spending time together.
I match you with...
Nico Robin!
The moment I finished reading your description Robin already popped up in my head, and after going through my usual checklist, my suspicion was confirmed. Here’s why:
First of all, you and Robin have a lot of common ground which you can bond and get along over. Most noticeably: a craving for knowledge, a love for history and the love for literature of any kind. The two of you could talk for hours about pretty much anything. With the amount of shared interests you have and the knowledge you both have on history, these can become really interesting and deep-going conversations. Robin will great take joy in finding things you didn’t know yet, and will enjoy it just as much when you find something she didn’t know yet. Even if you talk to her about something unrelated to history, travelling or literature, Robin’s curious nature and her interest in you as a person will keep her interested.
Interests aside, Robin is also a great match for you personality-wise. She is not a very dominant person and will allow you to be your own person. Never will she tell you what to do or who to be. She is honest and open about her feelings, but knows how to formulate her words in a way to not hurt your feelings, even when she’s saying something you may not want to hear. You won’t have to worry about being sarcastic or using vulgar language either, Robin uses these as well and she’ll gladly join you in any jokes. Your smile is contagious to Robin, reminding her of her childhood where she smiled with Saul, and around you, she may smile the same way once again.
Robin has absolutely no problem with you following her around. She may need much time for herself, but there are certain people this rule doesn’t apply to. You, being the person she loves, are such an exception.
When it comes to Robin’s love languages, quality time is a shared one between the two of you. She greatly enjoys sitting next to each other, both doing completely different things while enjoying each other’s company. She has absolutely no problem giving and receiving physical touch either and greatly enjoys your hugs. However, aside from those, she’s also great at giving words of confirmation, which will help you greatly. Whenever your mind is playing tricks on you again, making you feel lonely or insecure, she’ll be there to assure you she loves you, that she loves you and that you’ll never be alone.
Another great quality about Robin that’ll be beneficial to your relationship is her ability to read people. Bottle up your feelings all you want, thinking you’ll be a bother if you tell someone about your problems or worries, but Robin will notice and she will try to get you to talk about it. To her, you’ll never be a nuisance. This is where the words of confirmation will come in once again. Just like you enjoy helping other people, she’ll do the same to you, because you too deserve the help and protection you wish upon others.
4 notes
·
View notes
Text
[copy, save and share censored information; fight for freedom of information]
COVID-19 Injection Campaign Violates Bioethics Laws
Story at-a-glance
Safety data analysis and reporting in clinical trials of the COVID jabs appear to have been manipulated in at least some cases. One method for manipulating randomized clinical trial safety data is to only analyze the “per protocol” treatment group (those who completed all doses and were fully compliant with the study design) as opposed to “intent to treat” which would include all patients that have signed informed consent
For example, if a participant only accepted one dose and trial protocol called for two, under a “per protocol” analysis, adverse events they experienced would be dismissed and not included in the safety analysis. This is a classic way to manipulate safety data in clinical research, and it's usually forbidden
Since the COVID shots only have emergency use authorization, they are experimental products and, as such, they are not authorized for marketing
Bioethics are written into federal law. As an experimental trial participant, you have the right to receive full disclosure of any adverse event risks. Full disclosure of risks is not being done, and in fact is being suppressed
Adverse event risks must also be communicated in a way that you can comprehend what the risks are, and the acceptance of an experimental product must be fully voluntary and uncoerced. Enticement is strictly forbidden
As the inventor of the messenger RNA (mRNA) vaccine platform, Dr. Robert Malone is one of the most qualified individuals to opine on the benefits and potential risks of this technology.
His background includes a medical degree from Northwestern University, a master's degree from Salk Institute, a bachelor's degree in biochemistry from UC Davis, a Giannini fellowship in pathology and a post-graduate fellowship in global clinical research at Harvard.
He taught pathology to medical students for about a decade at the University of Maryland and the University of California Davis, and then became an associate professor of surgery at Uniformed Services, University of the Health Sciences, where he launched a major research institute focused on breast cancer and high-throughput screening in genomics for breast cancer.
After that, he helped found a company called Inovio, which has brought forth a number of gene therapy discoveries, including vaccines, and the use of pulsed electrical fields as a delivery method. After 9/11, a colleague at the University of Maryland's department of business and economic development connected him with Dynport Vaccine Company, a startup that had received a DoD contract to manage its biodefense products.
"That's when I transitioned from being more of an academic to the advanced development world of clinical research, regulatory affairs, project management, compliance, quality assurance — all of that stuff that goes into actually making a product," Malone explains.
"It was a huge epiphany that the world really didn't need more academic thought leaders and [that] I was wasting my time focusing on that. What the world really needed was that people understood the underlying technology and the discovery research world, but also understood advanced development, which is that drug development is a highly-regulated world. And there aren't very many of those.
So, I set out to become really expert in that latter part and worked with the government, particularly in biodefense and vaccine development, for a couple of decades. And that brings me to the present.
I've captured a couple of billion dollars in grants and contracts for companies that I've worked with, and clients from the government, from BARDA [Biomedical Advanced Research and Development Authority], from the Department of Defense and others."
COVID-19 'Vaccines' Are Gene Therapy
I've been accused of falsely stating that these COVID shots are not vaccines but gene modifying interventions. However, even Malone agrees with this statement, and as the inventor of the technology, he should know. He points out that in Germany, by law you cannot refer to this technology as a genetic vaccine or gene therapy vaccine. "The German government has specifically outlawed the use of gene therapy-based vaccine as a term," he says.
With his background, and having received the COVID shot himself, he can hardly be called an "anti-vaxxer" and/or someone who doesn't believe in gene therapies. Yet, he recently went public with concerns about the safety of rolling out this kind of technology on a mass scale, and the unethical ways in which they're being promoted.
As has become the trend, he was immediately censored. Wikileaks even went so far as to erase him from the historical section of the mRNA vaccine page and his own personal Wikipedia page was removed. All references to Malone inventing the mRNA technology were removed and attributed to a variety of institutions instead.
Blowing the Whistle
Malone's public involvement with the COVID jab issue began with a short essay1 reflecting on the bioethics of the current campaign to get a needle in every arm. This essay grew out of a conversation he'd had with a Canadian physician. Malone's essay catalyzed an interview with Bret Weinstein in June 2021 on the DarkHorse Podcast.
This isn't the first time Malone has spoken out against unethical behavior in science. He was also a whistleblower in the Jesse Gelsinger death case,2 back in 1999. Gelsinger was a young man who had a rare metabolic disorder called ornithine transcarbamylase deficiency syndrome (OTCD), where dangerous amounts of ammonia build up in your blood.
He'd been diagnosed at the age of 2, and was managing his condition with a regimen of nearly 50 drugs a day. At 17, Gelsinger signed up for an investigational gene therapy. Like the COVID shots, the therapy involved injecting a gene attached to an adenovirus, which would be integrated into his DNA to permanently produce an enzyme that prevents ammonia buildup.
Gelsinger was the 18th person to receive the gene therapy, and while the others had only experienced mild side effects, Gelsinger had a severe response after scientists at the University of Pennsylvania administered adenoviruses doses that were far above what had been approved by the corresponding safety committee.
Gelsinger became disoriented and developed jaundice and acute inflammation, followed by a rare blood clotting disorder and multi-organ failure. He was dead within days. Even a decade later, Gelsinger's death is still considered the biggest setback for gene therapy.3
"When the Jesse Gelsinger events happened, I also had long been a deep insider in the gene therapy space, so I had specific knowledge of what had happened at Penn — the ethical transgressions, shall we say, that occurred — and had awareness, again, just like now, of the technology," Malone says. "So, I was able to make sense of things that otherwise were obscure for journalists and even other scientists."
After speaking out about the ethical transgressions that contributed to Gelsinger's death (dosing which exceeded approved levels), Malone became a "persona non-grata" in the gene therapy community. In other words, he was blacklisted by his peers and prevented from participating in gene therapy research.
"That's part of why I went in a different direction with my career and focused on government work and biodefense, supporting the Department of Defense," Malone says. "The lesson learned for me is that I'm able to be resilient, together with my wife's support.
Another key lesson was that your friends will support you through times of crisis if you behave with integrity and maintain your friendships and treat people with respect. I also had a lot of support for having spoken out and taken an ethical high road on that and not compromised myself …
It's part of why I'm comfortable [speaking out now]. People tell me that I come across as balanced and calm. But yes, this is a little bit frightening and once again, [I'm] putting my career on the line. But once again many of my colleagues in the government are grateful that I'm speaking this way. They are not able to have a voice because of their jobs and government policies about speaking out."
Public Responses to Censorship Make a Difference
As explained by Malone, he's been heavily censored since his three-hour interview with Brett Weinstein. LinkedIn even deleted his account. However, LinkedIn users all around the world canceled their accounts in protest and wrote the company, explaining their cancellations were in protest of Malone being censored.
The social media uproar culminated in a major news article in a mainstream Italian paper, which appears to have pushed LinkedIn over the edge. LinkedIn eventually reinstated Malone's account and even sent him a letter of apology.
"I don't think I've ever heard of a company writing a letter of apology after delisting and deleting somebody," he says. "My sins were 'profound,'" he says sarcastically, "They were that I outed the chairman of the board of directors of Reuters who is also sitting on the board of Pfizer, for cross-posting the Wall Street Journal article on vaccine toxicity risks, and well, basically for complaining about censorship.
So, they sent me my list of sins with six different posts that were to pretty much anybody's eye innocuous, which I then took and cross-posted onto Twitter. So, that revealed the absurdity of that … The note [of apology] that I received basically said, 'Look, we don't have the expertise to censor you, but if you cross the line, we have the right to summarily delete you again and so mind your manners.'"
The Repurposing of Drugs to Combat Pandemics
In recent years, Malone has been involved in yet another startup company (Atheric Pharmaceuticals), in collaboration with the DoD, that focused on repurposing drugs to combat Zika infection. That company went bankrupt for lack of investor interest in repurposing drugs for treating infectious diseases.
When the COVID-19 outbreak began, he got a call from a colleague who works in the intelligence community in Wuhan, China, who urged him to put together a team to investigate the possibility of repurposing old drugs against COVID.
His team is currently about to enter clinical trials for a number of licensed off-patent drugs. That said, his biggest contribution so far is probably his commentary on the bioethics of what is going on.
"Both my wife and I are deeply ethical people," he says. "We're high school sweethearts. We try really hard to live ethical lives and to help our fellow man as well as the animals in our lives. So that's just the place we come from. It's bedrock. We're not rich people.
I recall a long telephone call with the Canadian physician that poured his heart out about the situation in Canada that he's encountering, both with vaccine administration in primary practice, and also in administering alternative therapies to outpatients, which generally have no therapies available.
I mean, the position is a bit shocking — in the emergency rooms all across the world. Basically, you go to the ER and if your O2 sets are down, pushing towards 80, they say, 'Well, go [home] and come back when your lips are blue.' And that's the essence of it. They don't really offer anything.
So many physicians, including this gentleman in Canada, have been seeking alternative strategies and they've tested and administered these various agents. We've heard of fluvoxamine, ivermectin, hydroxychloroquine. There are many, many others now, including those that we're working with (famotidine and celecoxib) that seem to have therapeutic benefit when administered early to shut down this hyperinflammatory response.
So, he shared this and the stories of multiple reports of vaccine adverse events that in his clinical judgment were clearly vaccine related, some of them quite serious, and that the Canadian government would summarily dispose of those as non-related even though in his clinical judgment, they clearly were related.
He spoke about the enticement of children in Canada with ice cream and the willingness of the Canadian government to administer vaccine to children without their parents or guardians consent after enticing them with ice cream cones, and some of the other things that I just found shocking ...
It mirrors what we're seeing across the world, where governments are taking liberties with people's health and their rights without real legislative authorization to do so in most cases."
Core Bioethical Principles Are Being Violated
Malone and his wife Jill are both trained in bioethics, so after listening to this Canadian colleague, he decided he could help by writing a lay press opinion piece about the bioethics of experimental vaccines under emergency use authorization.
"I have intimate knowledge of not only the emergency use authorization legislation, the FDA policies behind it, I even know the people that wrote it," Malone says.
"So, we dove in, refreshed our memories on the whole history of the modern bioethics construct that briefly runs from Nuremberg Trials to the Nuremberg Code, to Helsinki Accord, to the Belmont Report in the United States, and to the common rule that exists in the code of federal regulations."
In summary, since the COVID shots only have emergency use authorization status, they are experimental products, and as such, they are not authorized for marketing. The core bioethical principles that apply therefore involve three key components:
1. Bioethics are written into federal law — As an experimental trial participant, which is what everyone is at the moment who accepts a COVID shot, you have the right to receive full disclosure of any adverse event risks. Based on that disclosure, you then have the right to decide whether you want to participate.
Adverse event risk disclosure should be provided at the level of detail disclosed in any drug package insert. However, the COVID shots have no such insert or detailed disclosure, and adverse event reports are even being suppressed and censored from the public.
Instead, as explained by the FDA,4 since the COVID shots are not yet licensed,5 rather than providing a package insert, the FDA directs health care providers to access a lengthy, online "fact sheet" that lists both clinical trial adverse events and ongoing updates of adverse events reported after EUA administration to the public.
A shorter, separate, online fact sheet with far less information in it is available for patients — but, provider or patient, you still have to know where to look up each of the three EUA vaccines separately on the FDA website to access those fact sheets.6
2. Adverse event risks must be communicated in a way that you can comprehend what the risks are — This means the disclosure must be written in eighth grade language. In clinical trials, researchers must actually verify participants' comprehension of the risks.
3. The acceptance of an experimental product must be fully voluntary and uncoerced — enticement is forbidden. "I argue that all of this public messaging that we've all been bombarded with … constitutes coercion," Malone says.
"The most egregious example of this that I've ever seen, is the federal government identifying 12 people … and labeling them as the dirty dozen, [saying] that they are responsible for causing death because they are disseminating what the government has determined to be misleading information about vaccines. This is mind boggling to me and to most of my colleagues."
How Falsehoods Are Getting Top Billing
As you probably know, I am on that "disinformation dozen" list. The irony of this situation is that government officials are really the ones contributing to the deaths by not adhering to bioethical principles that are enshrined in law. It's a classic case of 1984 Orwellian doublespeak.
As I mention in the interview, the "misinformation dozen" list is the creation of the Center for Countering Digital Hate (CCDH), a shady organization funded by dark money that sprung up less than two years ago.
"Yeah, you don't even have to go to dark money. It's out in the open. There's this Trusted News Initiative led by the BBC. They announced … last fall that they have integrated Big Tech, Big Media and new media, Facebook, Google, Microsoft, et cetera, into an organization that was intended to control false narratives relating to elections, but they decided to turn it on what they perceived as false narratives for vaccines," Malone says.
"As if that wasn't enough, the Wellcome Trust and the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation have announced initiatives where they're making block grants to Facebook, which is then funding these new pop-up fact-checker organizations … [that] are employing methods to smear people and to ban information …
What happens is these fact-checker organizations will make their pseudo fact check, like what I experienced with Reuters — which was transparently false, their fact check — and then the media will recycle the fact check. So that moves up in the Google ranking and they're citing themselves. That's what's going on. And it's sponsored by the likes of Wellcome Trust and Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation and they're quite proud of it."
Why Target Children and Pregnant Women?
Considering the unknown risks involved, why are governments and vaccine makers pushing so hard for children and pregnant women to participate in this experiment? Both have an extremely low risk for complications from COVID-19, which makes adverse effects of the vaccine all the more unacceptable, if not all together intolerable.
There's the appearance that there was manipulation of safety data analysis and reporting in the Phase 1, 2, 3 clinical trials … by focusing on patients who had completed the study per protocol, as opposed to those that entered the study as intended to treat. [If] you've only accepted one dose of vaccine under those clinical trial protocols and you have an adverse event … that information about the adverse event … is lost. It's not included in the safety analysis. This is a classic way to manipulate safety data in clinical research, and it's strictly forbidden. ~ Dr. Robert Malone
Making matters worse, there's no process in place to capture all side effects. Somehow, this was left out, and there's evidence to suggest this was done intentionally.
"I think it's important for the listenership to recognize that what we have is still an emerging understanding of what the adverse events are," Malone says. "I could tell you the story of how the cardiotoxicity adverse event was recognized, and it was not through official channels. There is [also] the appearance that the CDC is deliberately under-reporting adverse events to the public.
And there's the appearance that there was manipulation of safety data analysis and reporting in the Phase 1, 2, 3 clinical trials for some of these products by focusing on patients who had completed the study per protocol, as opposed to those that entered the study as intended to treat.
That's a subtle distinction, but what it means is that if you've only accepted one dose of vaccine under those clinical trial protocols and you have an adverse event, and you decide to drop it out, or they gently suggest that you shouldn't take the second dose, that information about the adverse events that you received — which would have made you at even higher risk for the second dose — is lost. It's not included in the safety analysis.
This is a classic way to manipulate safety data in clinical research, and it's strictly forbidden. So, the FDA is onto that trick. Normally, if I was to do that, I would get slapped down immediately. Why they allow these large drug companies to do this (if, in fact they did) — and you can't claim that Pfizer didn't know what they were doing — is beyond me.
Now that we know about the adverse events associated with the cardiotoxicity in adolescents and the damage to the heart and the deaths associated with that, people can start to do calculations based on official CDC data, [but] those data are flawed.
They probably under-report the true adverse event rate by about a 100-fold if you're relying on the various historic analysis information. But you can look at those data. And if you're a data scientist, you can do the calculations that the CDC is not doing and not disclosing to us about risk benefit.
The ones that I've seen done by well-trained and highly experienced specialists, people that work for the insurance industry that do this for a living … come out literally upside down."
If the clinical trials did not include patients dropped after Dose 1 in the safety analysis, this would indicate a "per protocol" safety analysis was performed, and therefore that the safety data analyses leading to the emergency use authorizations were not based on rigorous safety assessments.
Multiple patients claiming to have been included in COVID-19 clinical trials have also reported on social media that their reports were excluded from final safety analyses, although this cannot be verified.
Risks Significantly Outweigh Benefits
A study7 posted July 7, 2021, which looked at deaths occurring in children in the U.K. during the first 12 months of the pandemic, found 99.995% of children diagnosed with COVID-19 survived.
By July 19, 2021, in the United States, a total of 335 children under 18 had died with a COVID-19 diagnosis on their death certificate.8 An analysis by Marty Makary and colleagues at Johns Hopkins, together with FAIR Health, showed none of the children under 18 who died and were diagnosed with COVID-19 between April and August 2020 were free of preexisting medical conditions such as cancer.9
Now, while the average healthy child has a minuscule chance of dying from COVID-19, and their risk of developing heart inflammation from the COVID jab is also quite low, the risk associated with the injection is still significantly greater than any risk associated with the natural infection. As explained by Malone:
"That ratio comes out suggesting that there will be more lives lost to receipt of the 'vaccine' in a universal vaccine campaign than there would be if all those kids were infected by SARS-CoV-2. This upside-down ratio appears to extend or very close to equivalent at least up to the age of 30.
So, we're in a position where the data that we have are admittedly flawed. Is that by intent or what? From my standpoint, the data are the data, so I can't smoke out what somebody within health and human services intended to do, but I can look at the data, and others can.
And the data absolutely do not support a positive risk-benefit ratio for vaccination of infants through young adults, based on any normal criteria. So then why are they doing this crazy stuff? It seems to all be wrapped around the axle of the need to justify universal vaccination.
I argue that this is actually a mid-century policy that goes back to the '50s and the '60s polio vaccine campaign, when the government and world health authorities established a position that it was OK to lie, to withhold information about risk for vaccines, because to have the full spectrum of information about the risks of vaccines would cause people to not accept the vaccine.
So, 'Shut up, we know it's best for you and don't question us' is a firmly authoritarian position. It is intrinsically authoritarian and paternalistic. It's exactly the kind of stuff that George Orwell wrote about in his book '1984.' It was a warning … of how governments and authoritarian structures will behave and do behave."
Denial of Vaccine Dangers Has Been Federal Policy Since 1984
Ironically, Malone points out that in the 1984 Federal Register,10 it's stated that posting information into the federal register about vaccine risks that jeopardizes vaccine I uptake shall be suppressed.
"So, it's a clear federal policy going back to 1984," Malone says. "This is the way they're going to handle things. And they're going to handle it with the noble lie of saying, 'No, there are no risks and what we're doing is fully justified' …
I don't think we have to go to imagining some grand conspiracy at Davos between certain individuals. I think this is an emergent phenomena of the intersection of old-school thinking about information management and new-school capabilities and technologies.
I think the CDC, HHS, WHO, and Wellcome Trust or Bill & Melinda Gates foundation, etcetera, have just grossly misread the population, certainly in the United States. And so now we're in a position where before, according to Del Bigtree, there was about 1% to 2% of people that self-identified as anti-vaxxers, and we're now [above] 40%. Clearly, about 40 to 50% of the population are just dug in. They're not going to accept these vaccines.
The White House now finds it necessary to have a special group to identify and target 12 American citizens for what they believe to be vaccine disinformation, and to make a big public press announcement about it. Don't they have anything else to do? It seems like the world has got bigger problems than Dr. Mercola, but what do I know?
The whole thing is mind-bending. And a lot of people, including many Europeans, are really lit up over this. They remember. European intellectuals are very aware of the dynamics that happened in Germany in the 1930s … I think this could be a turning point in a lot of things."
The Powers That Be Have Been Given Free Reign
While Malone is not interested in speculating about the intentions behind all this malfeasance, he's intimately familiar with the power of Big Pharma to manipulate governments. As detailed in other articles, several of the COVID injection makers have a rich history of illegal activity and unethical behavior, and now they have been given free reign to do as they please.
They're been completely absolved from liability if and when something goes wrong with these injections, and governments are enticing and bullying citizens to participate in Big Pharma's experiment.
"If you give that kind of liberty and power to a global multinational and absolve them of any accountability, they will serve their stockholders," Malone says. "They are not geared to serving the rest of us, whatever they may say in their press releases.
That's just how big pharma behaves, and we've chosen this model. Messaging having to do with alternative treatments and the importance of wellness, those are not consistent with the 'Take this pill, pay your price and shut up' kind of business model.
Personally, I think that Mr. Gates and his foundation have done enormous irreparable harm to world health community through his actions and his own personal biases. He has really distorted global public health. At some point, there will be books written about this, and I'm sure an enormous number of Ph.D. theses will be granted. But meanwhile, we all have to live with it."
1 note
·
View note
Note
how does one survive as an entp female in a highly competitive highschool where theres a shit ton of pressure from everyone for me to succeed
Helloooo!
So I was the same! I went to a private high school as a scholarship kiddo. My parents are (frankly) nerds, and at least academically it was always high expectations for me because education is the key to success (quote intj mom). My parents started off veryyy poor, got access to education and became doc & engineer and yeah... a lot of pressure for me to also be intellectual.
There are quite a few things I’ve had to remember during my years in the academic world. I’m still in it, and I still learn things about myself! It’s a bit of a long post, so it’s all under the cut!
The biggest thing, BIGGEST thing, is not to compare yourself to anybody ever.
It’s hard when you’re competing and all.
But we all have our skills, you know? I, personally, am nOT visual. If someone shows me a graph I need an hour to be sure I’m seeing what I’m seeing... but ya know I’m still a PhD student it’s fine.
Don’t expect to have other peoples skills, and don’t judge yourself for that
But on the other side of the coin, you’ve got some serious skills! Find them, own them, develop them!
Also you can beat people by playing the game your own way! ;)
Compete with yourself aka. try your best and keep on trying to best yourself!
Soo ENTPs are lazy. I say this with all of the love in my heart, but we look for shortcuts & we get bored by routine... sameness... blah blah. As a result, it’s easy for us to not try our best. It’s easy for many of us to even succeed without trying our best.
When I didn’t do as well as I wanted, I often asked myself, did I try my best?
Normally the answer was no
Also normally I didn’t hAVE to try my best, but keeping this in mind directs the ownership of my work to myself and no one else
In the case that someone else is grading you wrong, you know what you did, and you go after them lol
I’ve dealt with some stubborn profs and I don’t take that because if I try my best, I have full ownership over my work and I know what I’ve done and why I’ve done it
When someone tells you a class is hard just ignore them
Again, we have our own skills
But also it can kinda mess up how you approach the class--so approach all classes with a blank slate and the intention of kicking butt
Keep diversity in your life!
In high school it’s a bit easier to do this because they force you to take all of the classes in all of the realms + sports
But try to find the things you love and the balance goes a long way in staying healthy, happy, and motivated
The clubs are also fun if you’ve got those
Figure out how you work!
Do you need many tasks to be productive?
Or do you need just a few things and just to focus?
Try to figure it out!
College, my worst semester was when I tried to do the few credits and focus thing.... I just checked out and stopped going to class because I was booreeeeddddd
Never did that again :)
Find your high school niche/s
So those cliques are fake... i’ve yet to really see high school like television
But we do have our places where we fit, and it can be multiple, eSPECIALLY for ENTPs.
My brand, in particular, was being everywhere and nowhere. Which makes sense because I love doing things but people for too long bore me
As a result, I was the artist for the journalism club (on call, so I didn’t attend the meetings lol), I was on the diversity club (gave speeches for them because I’m good at it, but didn’t attend the meetings lol), French club when they had food and trips, basketball and softball until I quit (lol @ team sports) but I went back to softball during my last year, and then I spent a lot of time reading
I was also teacher’s pet for some reason... not the goody two shoes type but the type who they let go into the teachers lounge for food.
Feeling relaxed goes a very long way though... that’s the point.
Don’t let people limit you!
So I’m a black gal and I really struggled with getting into the AP courses even though I had nearly perfect entrance exam scores. When I applied, the teachers said that they weren’t allowing me in because they didn’t want me to be to challenged and it was for my greater good
But I had great grades, and I was applying so they should’ve looked at my grades alone... also ya girl is smart (I’m still a little pissed about the limits)
This may not directly apply to you, but don’t be afraid to challenge the system because it’s people who are in charge. And people are flawed and incorrect sometimes. There are similar types of limits & lower expectations for minority students and women. So when you’re blocked, don’t be afraid to challenge!
I have an endless list of misogynoir that I’ve faced for my ‘greater good’, issues that my friends and family have faced, and it can limit us academically.
So if you know what you want or if you know the end-goal, then get there, and recognize that you may have to against the status quo and speak to the authority sometimes... make things work for you ;)
Also, most people don’t think to challenge authority, so they don’t have too much on their desks regarding things like this lol
I hope this helps you out! But remember that grades aren’t the only thing! Search out opportunities and keeping a diversified resume actually + good grades. Also grades don’t need to be 4.0 (is this bad advice)? At least in college, I know a lot of people with the best grades but had nothing else and didn’t develop anything else. And then they couldn’t get jobs.. Take advantage of being an ENTP! You are interested by a lot, explore this while keeping the grades where you need them to be. And follow opportunity when you spot it, it’s everywhere and most people don’t even consider taking these jumps.
27 notes
·
View notes
Text
10 Signs You’re Reading a Dyna Fic
Thanks to @homesteadchronicles for tagging me!
1. It’s long
As much as it irks me sometimes, I tend to write lengthy stuff. If it’s a one-shot, it’s long. If it’s a chaptered fic, you can bet I’ll pass the 100,000 word mark before the second act is even over.
Why does that happen? I have no idea >.< My story ideas always just tend to blow up, even if I start with the simplest concept, like “Wouldn’t it be cool if Character X had a job as Y?” My brain always likes adding more details, whether it’s for worldbuilding or for new situations the characters can get into.
2. It has an ensemble cast
As much as I admire stories with a single compelling protagonist, what I like even more is situating a protagonist into a web of other characters and defining their story by how those other characters’ on- or offscreen journeys interact with theirs.
In that sense I conceive some (but not all) of my stories as glimpses into a little community, where all main and side characters are affected by each other and have some sort of arc to complete, however small.
3. It hasn’t been updated in a while
I don’t like doing this either, I swear! But it’s a given fact that ever since I started college and entered a writing-heavy field, my energy for writing stories has thinned out. In 99% of cases it’s most definitely not because I’ve lost interest or given up. Rather it’s everything to do with my energy levels. Usually I have no idea when I’m going to be both free and in a mental capacity to write, so I don’t bother making a writing schedule I can’t keep. I just snatch those moments when they come by and start typing, first getting down the main ideas and leaving the editing and polishing for later.
Then of course I have to wait till that ‘later’ comes around... *shifty eyes*
4. Sentences are long and have semicolons
This is more the case for my old writing, but for a long time I had a tendency to write really complex sentences. Now when I look back on them, my head explodes and I manage to find dozens of ways of making things simpler and more pleasant to read.
I also use semicolons. I am sorry xDD Academic writing does that to you. Honestly I have no idea what else to do? Make the sentences shorter? Or just use a comma???
5. It’s biggest theme is either friendship or found family
Because those two are my absolute favorites :3 Even in my romance-focused stories, I like to describe how the characters’ interpersonal relationships change as a whole and how their experiences led them to a new sense of belonging. Stories about a character choosing to surround themselves with people who are better for them, or having to move on from people who aren’t, or deal with broken family/friendship bonds, are some of the most compelling to me because they reflect very real aspects of life.
6. Worldbuilding goes down to the mundane details
I love, love, love describing boring things. How the main character had to apply for their job, how they pay the bills, how a particular city is run. If it’s a story involving magic or spirituality, you can bet I’ll go into the nitty-gritty details of how that magic works, or at least how a particular user experiences it. Those details are like glitter to me - don’t go over the top, but sprinkle them here and there and your world’s logic and structure will shine.
7. It has a happy ending, or at least a bittersweet one
I don’t like ripping readers’ hearts in two ;; It’s been done to me enough! I might start out a draft with a character tragically dying, then eventually figure out a way for them to live and for the story to be five times better for it.
Same with endings. I might be cynical when I start a story and go ‘Yeah, this’ll end with them losing everything and having to realize how wrong they were, ha-ha’, then in the final draft I’ll inject a teensy bit more hope into it. Basically I always want to make sure that my main characters are in a better position at the end of the story than at the beginning. And however that ‘better’ might look, I’ll write it so that the reader can agree and believe that this is the case.
8. It has an outrageous premise
I write for fun, so... why not have fun? I’ll often get an idea that seems totally crazy to me, but it’s either so funny or entertaining that I have to write it. So I’ll take it absolutely seriously and find a way to make it work.
9. Characters feel their limits
A story’s no fun without conflict, and I love describing exactly what gets in my characters’ way and how. If I’m writing a character who’s a professional fighter, I’ll put them in a situation where they’re either partially incapacitated or up against someone who’s just as good as they are. I’ll have a stoic, self-reliant character who sails for a living suffer from debilitating seasickness, which makes for embarrassing situations and necessitates the help of his friend. I’ll have characters experience things that upset them and explore the ramifications of that event all throughout the story.
Which brings me to my last point...
10. Cause-and-effect stretch from the very first page to the last
If a character sprains their ankle when falling down in the first chapter, it will still be hurting in the second. Maybe even the third. Then in the second act, I’ll show them being extra observant of their surroundings and making sure they don’t fall again. Then in the final act they’ll defeat the villain by making them fall down in the exact same way. (Okay, this is oversimplifying, but you get my point).
Basically I’m a firm believer in Chekhov’s Gun. Only it’s not just one gun, it’s as many objects/events from the early point of the story as possible.
Tagging @bayalexison and anybody else who wants to do this! (No pressure, of course.) I'd love to see people’s answers!
5 notes
·
View notes
Text
The influence of Erik Spiekermann, Jack Stauffacher and Tré Seals on contemporary typographic design.
It could be argued that Berlin’s position as the focal point of the European type design scene is thanks largely to the work and influence of Erik Spiekermann.
Printer, designer, typographer, professor, writer, entrepreneur and even a short stint as a politician; Spiekermann’s typography career started whilst studying Art History. To pay his way through Berlin’s Free University he set himself up as a jobbing printer, working from his basement with just two typefaces in three sizes. He never finished his course; instead moving to England to teach at The London College of Printing during which time he gained freelance experience in corporate design offices then returning to Berlin in 1979 to co-found Meta Design.
The company built its reputation and status on information design with clients such as the Berlin Transport System and The German Post Office. Recognising the creative potential of digital technology in type design he proposed customising typefaces for individual brands rather than setting rules for existing typefaces which had been the standard approach up until this time. With Spiekermann at the helm for twenty years, Meta Design would go on to become Germany’s largest design company with expansion into the US and Asian markets, responsible for instantly recognisable brands such as Audi, Volkswagen and Bosch.
Yet it is worth considering that despite his global success with Meta, the influence of Spiekermann in contemporary typographic design is even greater through his next entrepreneurial endeavor. FontShop established in 1989 with his then-wife Joan Spiekermann and Neville Brody was the first mail-order producer and distributor for digital fonts. With the internet in its very infancy the concept of downloading a font from the digital cloud was still more than a decade away; instead fonts were digitised and sold on floppy discs then posted out from FontShop’s Berlin office. FontShop gave designers choice; with desk-top publishing replacing phototypesetting; the market exploded. For a decade FontShop expanded with branches across Europe and North America before going digital as FontShop International.
Continuing to hold great influence over the type industry in 1996 Spiekermann launched a three-day design conference with presentations, seminars and workshops for designers, academics, journalists, students and anybody with an interest in visual communication. TYPO Berlin has continued for more than twenty years, during which time Spiekermann has carved out an almost secondary career as speaker at design conferences across the world influencing not only type design but also peoples ideas, perceptions and knowledge of the subject.
In more recent years Spiekermann has focussed his time and efforts at his experimental letterpress workshop P98a. On the publishing of the book ‘Only On Saturday’ a tribute to the experimental wood type prints of US based letterpress printer Jack Stauffacher he said;
“As typographers, designers, and printers, we translate words into written communication. Jack had done that all his life, making words visible. Then, after he had designed pretty much everything worth designing for a purpose, he started doing the opposite: he picked random wood letters from a case he had stumbled upon and made images with them. We aren’t supposed to read those letters as words but to go back to where they came from: pictures of those things. A large red B can be a sail, a blue A on its side is the sea, and the little black letters are birds or stones or ripples. . . . When I asked Jack about the prints, he said that those letters had become such intimate friends over time that he could behold them just as beautiful objects; they didn’t have to work for a living anymore.”
(Spiekermann, E 2019)
Celebrated as one of the finest printers of the twentieth century Stauffacher dedicated his eight decade long career to print. At just fourteen he established Greenwood Press in a garage behind his parents house, initially it gave him the space and opportunity to learn and later, once he had refined his skills, Greenwood Press gave him the freedom to pursue various passion projects and personal development beyond that of his everyday paying work. As a professor of typographic design at Carnegie Mellon University and San Francisco Art Institute his genuine passion and ability to lead by example made him an influential teacher.
It would be easy to assume that as a master of the analogue printing process for most of the twentieth century Stauffacher wouldn’t hold much influence in digital typography. However the opposite is true. Despite his initial reluctance he took to digital typography quickly and was soon producing elegant sample pages alongside his analogue proofs. He was quickly approached by Adobe and became an adviser as they digitised classic typefaces in the 1980’s.
A contemporary typographer going through that same process today is the award winning designer Tré Seals. His type foundry Vocal Type design typefaces highlighting specific moments in history where underrepresented voices were amplified; often through protest posters. For his ‘Martin’ typeface Seals painstakingly researched photographs of the Memphis sanitation strike of 1968 and designed a digital typeface based on the letterpress printed picket signs carried by the striking workers. Of it’s design Seals has said
“...since releasing Martin, it’s just been amazing to see how people have put Martin to use, like since the Black Lives Matter movement throughout 2020 people have used it on protest signs from California to New York to London to Denmark to Australia. Street murals and wall murals all around the world and just seeing the impact that this font has had it just amazes me.”
(www.youtube.com, 2021)
All eight typefaces published by Vocal Type highlight voices which are underrepresented in different forms; be it race, ethnicity, orientation or gender picking specific moments in history as the starting point of their design. Through his purposeful work, Seals aims to not only highlight the lack of diversity in the design world but also increase representation in a white male dominated field ‘starting with the basis of any good design - typography’ (Seals)
References
Creative Boom. (2019). Only on Saturday: A new book celebrates the wood type prints of type legend, Jack Stauffacher. [online] Available at: https://www.creativeboom.com/features/only-on-saturday-a-new-book-celebrates-the-wood-type-prints-of-jack-stauffacher/ [Accessed 6 Apr. 2021].
Design Observer. (n.d.). Jack Stauffacher: Typographer, Scholar, Teacher, and Polymath. [online] Available at: https://designobserver.com/feature/jack-stauffacher-typographer-scholar-teacher-and-polymath/39708 [Accessed 6 Apr. 2021].
Designers & Books. (n.d.). Erik Spiekermann. [online] Available at: http://www.designersandbooks.com/designer/bio/erik-spiekermann [Accessed 30 Mar. 2021].
FontShop. (n.d.). FontShop. [online] Available at: https://www.fontshop.com/content/30-years-of-fontshop [Accessed 30 Mar. 2021].
gestalten (2020). A legacy in letters with Erik Spiekermann. [online] Medium. Available at: https://uxdesign.cc/a-legacy-in-letters-with-erik-spiekermann-f745e6498289 [Accessed 30 Mar. 2021].
Shop, gestalten U. (n.d.). A Legacy in Letters with Erik Spiekermann. [online] gestalten UK Shop. Available at: https://uk.gestalten.com/blogs/journal/a-legacy-in-letters-with-erik-spiekermann [Accessed 6 Apr. 2021].
VOCAL. (n.d.). Story of. [online] Available at: https://www.vocaltype.co/story-of.
www.eyemagazine.com. (n.d.). Eye Magazine | Feature | Meta’s tectonic man. [online] Available at: http://www.eyemagazine.com/feature/article/metas-tectonic-man.
www.youtube.com. (2021). Protest, typography, and the fight for justice - Tré Seals in conversation with Naresh Ramchandani. [online] Available at: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MX-P8LHD_DQ [Accessed 6 Apr. 2021].
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
nobody asked but i think hanso, brynn, and xandra from neopets’ comic “the faeries’ ruin” are queer | a 1.8k presentation i am presenting to my friends at an online party on the 19th, but you guys get early access because for some godforsaken reason, you like this content from me
Good evening class.
Last last time I attacked your dashboards with a long post, I discussed Neopets that would benefit from therapy. I’m sticking with my Neopets shtick but in a funkier Pride flavor. In this post, I will be discussing why the three main characters of Neopets’ “The Faeries Ruin” are queer.
So what is “The Faeries Ruin?”
“The Faeries Ruin” was a Neopets plot that ran through January of 2011. Plots can affect the website's appearance, services, and gameplay, and this plot was most notable because it turned all the Faeries of Neopia to stone.
Quick crash course on Neopets lore, for those of you who don’t know anything about it: Neopets are the main population of the planet of Neopia, but they share the world with other creatures as well. One of these creatures are Faeries, magical beings who can be benevolent or malevolent. Majority of them are good, and can be visited to receive gifts, abilities, new appearances, better stats, etc. Faeries are the most powerful creatures on Neopia. With the Faeries of Neopia turned to stone, all Faerie run services, from games to shops, were suspended because. Well. It’s hard to run a business when you’re stone.
“The Faeries Ruin” had an accompanying quest to play through, items to collect, puzzles to solve, and most important to our discussion, is the accompanying comic to read.
“The Faeries Ruin” comic is 17 chapters plus an epilogue. You can read the synopsis on the slide, and the story follows Hanso, a thief, Brynn, a guard, and Xandra, a scholar, who are all investigating the curse put on the Faeries.
A lot happens in the comic. Really, a LOT, so I don’t have time to summarize it for you. If you’re curious, you can read the plot here, and I’ll explain plot stuff as it becomes relevant to our discussion, but what’s really important are the characters.
These three in particular, Hanso, Brynn, and Xandra, are who I will be focusing on from the queer perspective.
But because I aim to be inclusive, before we dive into calling Neopets characters queer, we need a quick crash course in ‘queer’ definitions.
This is just so that we’re all on the same page. (Also so that I can use the readings I got from the queer theory class I was in last semester.)
Alex Pilcher in the Introduction of “A Queer Little History of Art” gives the word “queer” three definitions. First is the simplest, the word “queer” can act as an umbrella term for anybody who is not straight or cisgendered. The second definition is “queer” as an identity in itself. Instead or in addition to using sexuality or gender labels, one can opt to identify as queer and that does away with any hierarchies or too small definitions that may bother other people. I, for example, am bisexual, asexual, and nonbinary. However, that’s kind of a mouthful, and sometimes I don’t want to explain every facet of my identity. So sometimes I just tell people I’m queer, and fuck them if that’s confusing, it feels good for me. The third definition of “queer” is what I will be referring to quite a lot of times in this discussion, “queer” as a deviation from the norm. This is a callback to the word’s more archaic use, meaning odd or strange. What is “queer” then is what goes beyond or resists against society’s expectations.
Queer Theory is a huuuuuuuge academic genre, and this is just the tip of the iceberg. But we’re on a schedule here, so let’s queer some goddamn Neopets.
First, we have Hanso.
His Neopets species is an Ixi and he is a young rogue/thief. He knows Brynn because he’s a very shitty thief and he constantly gets captured by her. His personality is self centered and egocentric, but deep down, he has a heart of gold, even if his morals are a little skewed.
Also I think he’s bisexual. Why?
As a rogue/thief, he is outcasted by society, a type of queering from the norm. He is only accepted by those like him, which symbolically is parallel to how queer people often find other queer people to be with. Aside from Brynn, nobody trusts him. They think him to be a liar and a cheat, and this, I think, is parallel to the unsavory trope of the “untrustworthy bisexual.” Much the same way bisexuals are often told to “pick a side”, Hanso has both a desire for good and a desire for mischief, a duality that confuses other Neopets, and makes them wary of him.
Hanso is bisexual. And he isn’t sorry about it.
Next up we have one of my early childhood crushes. Brynn.
Brynn is a Kougra, a feline like Neopets species. She is a guard/soldier from the land of Brightvale. She knows Hanso because she keeps catching him, he’s a terrible thief. Her personality is one dominated by courage and a duty to Neopia’s safety.
And I think she’s also bisexual, but more interesting to me her queer expression of masculinity.
Jack Halberstam, a transgender man, wrote a book called “Female Masculinities” prior to his transition (I mention this because I know a lot of you may be wondering why a man gets any say about women’s issues, but I think this is a special case and that his views are still valid.) Halberstam, in his book, posits the concept of masculinity divorced from maleness. What this means, in simplest terms, is that masculinity is not something inherently male, just predominantly male. A female masculinity is thus outside of the norm, and a unique and queer expression of gender.
Concepts related to masculinity are things like power and rebellion. Strength, force, will, that kind of stuff. When we remove these things from maleness and allow femaleness to have these concepts, one of the results is tomboyism. The phenomenon of tomboyism is when a girl, usually young, exhibits masculine qualities. The thing about tomboyism is that it is reluctantly permitted during childhood but less expected as one grows older, the assumption being that a woman will submit to the societal expectations of what a woman is “supposed to be.”
I cannot find any canon sources to say that sexism is a huge problem in Neopia, but gender roles are still present. While we don’t see Brynn’s childhood in “The Faeries Ruin”, it doesn’t take much to imagine that her peers would be surprised with her choice to join the Brightvale Guard, a traditionally male pursuit. And yet she does it. She works hard and becomes such a good soldier that she aids King Altador himself during the story, that King Altador trusts and respects her opinions. Brynn rebels against society’s standards and asserts her own power.
Her personality exudes masculinity as well. Throughout “The Faeries Ruin” she is often dominant over the course of investigation, taking initiative, sometimes omitting truths for the greater good, and generally holding her judgement in high regard.
Her choices, especially in regards to her relationship with Hanso, is also something of note. Brynn is the one doing the catching and Hanso is the one being caught, an interesting subversion of expected gender roles. I will admit now that I have been withholding some information. Hanso, later in the plot of “The Faeries Ruin”, admits that he wanted to get caught by her as often as possible so that he would have an excuse to see her. Brynn did not know this, but I see it as a Hanso recognizing Brynn’s power and masculinity. I see it as a very romantic submission of Hanso to Brynn.
So Brynn is bi, because I say so. And she expresses masculinity in a unique, queer, and female way.
Now, before we move onto the last character, Xandra, I need to talk to you guys about Brynn and Hanso’s relationship. I think it is very good, it was one of my first OTPs, and here’s three reasons why it’s a good ship.
Reason 1: They’re both queer, so like, it’s better than the usual M/F couple. Bi people have more genders they’re attracted to, so the person they do end up choosing had to be better than literally everybody else. We can rest assured both of them are good eggs that are compatible with each other.
Reason 2: Their relationship over the course of “The Faeries Ruin” is that of the “enemies to friends to lovers” trope. Which, HELLO? GOOD SHIT? SIGN ME THE FUCK UP? THE HOSTILITY SLOWLY GIVING WAY TO RESPECT? THE RESPECT TURNING INTO ADMIRATION? Your honor, it’s delicious.
Reason 3: This reason is an NSFW concept, so if you don’t wanna see that, just Ctrl+F to the phrase “This brings us to our last character, Xandra” to skip it. We good? Everybody continuing to read wants to see this? Okay.
BRYNN TOTALLY PEGS HANSO. Like, I don’t have any sources, but by this point in the presentation, I hope I’ve established myself as an expert authority, and I hope you just believe me. She has the sword, in this relationship. Both literally and metaphorically. She pegs him and her strap is huge.
This brings us to our last character, Xandra.
Xandra is a Xweetok and also a magic scholar. She studied under Fyora, the Faerie Queen, and helps Hanso and Brynn with their investigation of the faeries’ petrification. She’s a lesbian because I say so, but uhhhhhh…
She’s also evil. Towards the end of “The Faeries’ Ruin” it was revealed that Xandra was the one who petrified the faeries all along. So yeah, she’s evil, buuuuuuut she’s super queer about it. How? Well, the answer lies in her motives.
The reason why she petrified the faeries was because she wanted to start a new Neopia without them. She believed that the faeries were hoarding power instead of using it to truly help Neopians. She actively wanted to destroy not just the faeries, but a symbol of power and control that arguably rules the world she lives in. She criticizes against that which controls the social expectations, and this criticism and questioning benefits the marginalized, the queered from the norm. Her intention was to create a kind of utopia free from a governing body that holds all the power. That’s pretty damn queer.
Honestly, I’m a little pissed she was branded as evil for this, but it was revealed that when the faeries were petrified, their good magic was gone and left Neopia vulnerable to evil magic shadows and Xandra didn’t really care. So uh, she had good and radical queer motives, but she went a little bonkers with power. I still love her though.
So, Xandra is pretty awesome, I hope she gets therapy then attends a Pride protest. She would totally be there reminding everybody that Pride started with riots. Also she loves women.
Thank you all.
(Read my other off the shits analysis essays at actualbird.tumblr.com/tagged/nobody-asked-but! If you have a request or suggestion for an off the shits analysis essay I can write, send me an ask!)
30 notes
·
View notes
Text
Use Your Filter: Ministry Motivation
If you know me at all you know that I like structure. Like, a board game box that perfectly fits every little piece in its own special place is one of the most satisfying things in the world to me. All that to say that I’ve been thinking about adding a little more structure to this space by having another recurring theme or topic that I consistently post about. I’ve also been thinking a lot recently that I’d like to offer more encouragement to my volunteer Young Life leaders that I work with. (In case anyone is reading this who doesn’t know me well, I am a Young Life area director in East Tucson & Vail, AZ) And from those two thoughts a great idea has been born! And here it is, another satisfying alliteration: Ministry Motivation - brought to this space every Thursday.
My hope in doing this is to: A.) speak directly to the Young Life leaders in my area and encourage them to continue their efforts in ministry, and B.) hopefully offer a little bit of universal wisdom to anybody who is serious about giving their life away in ministry. I’m not going to pretend like I’m the world’s foremost authority on how to live like Christ, but I have spent 10 years working with kids in ministry and that’s worth something valuable. So I hope this series is worthwhile and helpful, because giving our lives away in ministry is so important for any Christian.
I had a video call with the other Young Life staff in the Arizona region this morning. I’ve grown to really enjoy the side conversations and jokes that I have with my friends from other areas, it’s made zoom meetings a lot more fun. But today we had a portion of our time when one of our regional team members lead us in a time of meditation and processing on Psalm 139. The time of meditation on the Psalm was great, but the part for me that was really memorable was in her introduction of the scripture.
Before we read the scripture, she explained this image in an attempt to help us enter the right space to allow the affects of the passage to sink in. The image is of how we send information from our head to our heart. Ideas and experiences enter us through our head, and we can process them completely right there. We need to think about things, that’s important, but in order for something to really change us, we need to filter them down to our heart where they really matter. And this filter, or strainer, is how we control exactly what we let travel from our head to our heart. That filter is what interested me so much.
I’ve been very interested recently in how many Christians around me are processing information, and I think that this all has to do with our filter between our head and heart. Some Christians don’t allow anything that doesn’t have a “Christian stamp” on it to even enter their heads. No secular music, no movies that aren’t rated G, no academic ideas that came from a non-believer, etc. And you know what, we should be picky about what we expose ourselves to, but maybe we should trust that our heart filter is going to recognize the lies before they makes a home in our heart. Conversely, I think that a lot of Christians just let anything that has that “Christian stamp” all the way through their filter into their hearts. “That person is treating other people like trash, but they are a pastor so then that must be ok for me to do too.” “Maybe their conspiracy theories and sensationalism is right, they did tell me to pray about it you know.” We need to filter things with wisdom and courage. All things, nothing just gets a free pass all the way from my head to my heart without going through my filter.
Our filter has got to be informed, and we have to trust ourselves enough to use it. Anyone who’s given high school kids a ride home knows the importance of this skill. They want to listen to the worst music. What is the point at which we say, “yeah not in my car,” and a what should we be willing to bend on so that kids know that they are welcome to be themselves around you? There isn’t a good black-and-white answer to that question. You have to make that decision on your own. You need to make a subjective calculation about where the line is and when we enter an environment that doesn’t seem to be very reflective of a life with Christ. That subjective calculation is spiritual wisdom.
Ultimately in ministry that’s what we’re trying to teach others. In Young Life that’s what we are trying to teach kids; spiritual wisdom. “Hey kid, have you ever considered what your life would be like without weed?” “Have you ever thought about what you want your family to look like when you’re an adult?” “What really matters to you?” Dude, NO ONE ASKS KIDS THOSE QUESTIONS! They don’t even ask adults those questions. But we get to.
And here’s when it gets to you, the Young Life leader. How can we teach others spiritual wisdom if we aren’t growing in our own? It’s a scary thought that I would only teach a kid to filter things as far as I know how to on my own. We need to be wise. We need to be influenced by people who are smarter than we are. We need to be connected to the spirit of the Lord. And all that takes trust that God’s given you a filter to discern what’s truth and what’s not. Use that mind that God built for you, and let him shape that heart that He cares for so deeply.
So ask yourself what you filter through to your heart. Are you letting too much through? Maybe you aren’t even considering enough potential truth to begin with. Either way, be encouraged that the God of the universe has you in his hands and that His way is ALWAYS true. God will equip you to reach those kids if you let Him.
You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body
and knit me together in my mother’s womb.
Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex!
Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.
You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion,
as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.
You saw me before I was born.
Every day of my life was recorded in your book.
Every moment was laid out
before a single day had passed.
How precious are your thoughts about me, O God.
They cannot be numbered!
I can’t even count them;
they outnumber the grains of sand!
And when I wake up,
you are still with me! - Psalm 139:13-18
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
Survey #301
“i was waiting for my chance to find the light”
Did you like the beach a lot more as a kid more than you do now? Why/Why not? I did. Everything was more fun as a kid. I never REALLY loved it, though, because I did and still do hate the heat and walking through sand and getting it stuck all over you. It's pretty much torture now because I have extreme difficulty walking through sand.
Has there ever been a time where you just couldn't stop crying? Explain. I know I've had days many years ago when my PTSD was truly awful where I'd sob multiple times a day.
What's your least favorite time of day? Why don't you like that time?Late afternoon, like around 3-4 or so. By that point I'm usually bored senseless and going downhill.
Do you like your lips? Do you enjoy kissing? They're fine, ig. And I mean yeah, if I'm really into the person?
Do you like any music from the American Idols? Which ones? Ngl, I don't even remember any besides Kelly Clarkson, and who the FUCK doesn't like "Breakaway."
Do you like when people challenge you? If so, in what? No, I get nervous about embarrassing myself.
Personally for you, is falling for someone way beyond your control? It is entirely out of my control.
What's something other than a fruit that you love in milkshakes? (Ex.twix ) Mostly chocolate stuff, haha.
What is your all time FAVORITE milkshake? Ever tried the Reese's Blast from Sonic? That's some A+ shit.
What's the latest you've ever stayed up reading a book? No clue.
When having a peanut butter & jam sandwich, what is the best kind of jam? Grape.
Do you like to write poetry? Yeah, but it's been a long time since I wrote anything. I used to do it aaall the time, but now I have to be seriously motivated and dedicated to the idea.
When you get mad do you cry? Absolutely.
Would you ever consider modeling? No. I do think one or two model-esque photos of myself would be nice and possibly help my self-confidence, but it's not something I'm seeking out and paying for.
Are you scared of crossing bridges? Not very, no. If they're kinda sketchy-looking, I might feel a tad tense, but I'm not really scared of them.
Would you consider yourself clumsy? I am unfuckingbelievably clumsy.
Ever bought ice cream from an ice cream truck? Yeah, sometimes Mom would let me and my sisters do that as kids when one came through our neighborhood.
Have you ever had a poem or story published? No.
If you had/have a kid would you ever let them get a tattoo? If they were of the appropriate age, of course. And if they were getting it done professionally and not at some party drunk with friends. They better be in a sterile environment with someone who knows what they're doing.
Do you love guinea pigs? Absolutely. I had three or four as pets when I was a kid.
What is the worst thing you ever did that got you grounded? Probably run away from home.
Have you ever been chased by a snake? No... and this is a misconception. Snakes don't chase. They go for what they see as the safest escape route, and sometimes they identify your own chosen direction as where they wanted to head, too.
Where do you wanna work? I want to be a freelance photographer.
What awards have you won? A lot of "A honor roll" trophies through school, among other academic awards. I seriously don't know what happened to that intelligence. I also have dance awards and lots of childhood sports team stuff.
Would you consider yourself good at taking care of kids? I don't think I am, no. I'm way too nervous and awkward around kids. I've had to babysit for my sister twice though, and Ashley told me the kids had lots of fun and had no complaints. I guess like... I can do it, I am just very, very uncomfortable taking kids under my wing. I worry about leading them in the wrong direction.
How old would a guy have to be before you wouldn't date them? I don't know, it would really depend on how much I was into the person. I generally stick with the approximation of a ten year gap though being my limit, so I think maybe him being in his mid-30s would make me feel a bit too weird.
Be honest, have you ever tried weed? No, but quite honestly, I'd probably try an edible. I refuse to smoke anything for my lungs' sake. I'm curious if medical marijuana would actually be beneficial for me.
Has anyone ever broken up with you with a note? No, but uh... I have, lol. It's how I broke up with my "puppy-dog love" boyfriend in middle school. Literally after he asked me if I was thinking of breaking up with him, and I said no before handing him the note because I was just too scared to do it to his face. I know, that was absolutely awful. Never, ever do that to the most innocent boy ever, kids. He didn't deserve that.
Do you have sensitive teeth? Kinda.
What was the worst thing you ever did to get detention/suspended? I've only ever had detention once for having too many tardies to my first class of the day in high school. We'd frequently arrive to school just a few minutes late because I was fucking impossible to drag out of bed.
Have you ever suffered from post-traumatic stress disorder? Yes.
Do you suffer from nasal allergies? Yes.
What's your favorite kind of pudding? I only really like chocolate pudding.
Have you done anything really interesting lately? I guess you could consider starting a virtual partial hospitalization program "interesting." It's not the intensive version like my first was, but rather being shorter. I just really need something to get my mental health back on the tracks.
What’s the latest really fun thing you’ve done? REALLY fun? Hell if I know. I don't experience "fun" a lot at all anymore... I only ever feel like, this watered down, unenthusiastic sorry excuse for it.
Have you discovered any good music lately? Oh yeah, I've found lots of 3TEETH songs I'm mad into. "ULTRAnumb" by Blue Stahli is also a total bop.
How about any good new television shows? No.
Or perhaps some interesting books? Nothing new, no.
Have you picked up a new hobby or learned a new skill? I mean, within what timespan? Nothing lately, really.
Has anybody ever done your makeup for you? Yeah.
Do you own any sparkly items of clothing? No.
What’s the most colorful accessory you own and use? *shrug*
Do you enjoy drag artists’ work? If so, name some of your favorites. Oh yes, I have wild respect for drag queens. I don't know enough of them to have a fair favorite, but I do watch Trixie Mattel on YouTube and he is a goddamn hoot.
What, right now, is the best thing in your life? Um. I don't really know. Probably the fact my mother still lets my too-big-for-the-nest ass to live with her... I don't want to picture how my life would be if I didn't have her still essentially holding my hand.
What’s a place you like to go to when you need to get away for a bit? I actually love car rides for this, so long as I can ride passenger and just blare my music and not talk. It's so odd, being afraid of driving but finding great freedom and comfort in just... going.
Do you like apples? I love apples.
Anything exciting coming up for you in the near future? I paid the deposit for my tattoo appointment, so it was officially scheduled in May!! I was expecting an open date to be kinda far with just how amazing this parlor is, so I wasn't too shocked to hear I have to wait a few months, but man I can hardly wait.
When you get an account for something, what's the first username you try? Unless it's for a "professional" site, in which case I'd use my actual name, I just about without fail with use "Ozzkat," or replace the "o" with a zero if that's somehow taken.
Would you be okay with a friend wanting to date one of your exes? Which ex?
What kind of accent do people typically have where you're from? Southern.
Does history interest you at all? Can't say it does.
What's something you wish you could do-over? There are many things, man.
Is your hair in layers or is it all the same length? Neither, really. The left side of my head is very short/shaved, and as the hair goes around to the right, it gets longer. There aren't "layers," though.
Is there anyone who you're afraid to be in a car with, if they're driving? I wouldn't say afraid, but with my sister's road rage and serious tail-gating issue, riding with her can make me nervous.
What's something you're very good at? Um, I guess creative writing.
Do you like sour gummy worms? oh FUCK yeah
Would you pick up a hitchhiker if they seemed harmless? No. I am way too paranoid for that shit.
Would you be bothered if your boyfriend liked to bite you? Uhhh I'm going to assume you mean this in a sexual context, in which case I don't care so long as it's not in a visible spot.
How often do you get the opportunity to be completely alone? The answer used to be a shitload, and seeing as I'm in my room most of the time, I still feel like that's kind of true, but since Mom's cancer diagnosis and she had to stop working, she's usually home with me. I like it that way, though. Total isolation is bad for me.
Do you have a trampoline? Nah, haven't in many years.
What's your favorite Pixar movie? Finding Nemo.
What is the strangest thing you've been asked? Something sexual that made me extremely uncomfortable.
What’s the weirdest thing about life that people just accept as normal? The fact we put so much worth into pieces of green paper.
What's the most random thing you've done out of boredom? *shrug*
What show did your parents not let you watch as a kid? There weren't any specific shows that we even wanted to watch that Mom forbade us to see... I mean she certainly wouldn't let my sisters and I watch something like South Park as little kids, but none of us really sought unsuitable shows out. We were all about Disney, Nick, and Animal Planet in my case.
What is the most pleasurable feeling that doesn't involve anything sexual? What comes to mind first is a big hug from someone who makes you feel safe when you don't anywhere else.
What was your last "oops, wrong person" moment? I'm going to assume I sent somebody a text meant for another person. I'm super careful about avoiding stuff like this because I get horribly embarrassed, so it's difficult to recall the last time I slipped up.
What do you find attractive that isn't considered "normal" attraction? Having a broad imagination and drive to create.
What’s the dumbest thing you’ve done drunk? N/A
What's something you really enjoy, but can't have? A pet tarantula because Mom refuses to let me lmao. I'm so into them now and desperately want a Grammastola pulchra.
What Wikipedia article have you recently read? I haven't read any recently.
What subject should be taught at schools, but isn't? Basic adulting and financial skills.
What is the worst game you've ever played? I dunno. I've played sooooo many video games throughout my life.
What tragic event was coincidentally beneficial to you? My overdose because it led to an intensive partial hospitalization program that totally changed my life.
What did you think was cool when you were younger that you now think isn’t? Good question...
What are your favorite or most memorable lines from any movie/show? I vaguely remember the concepts of some quotes, but not well enough to recite them. None that are seriously memorable or heavy pop up in my head now.
What's a good example of 'Don't knock it till you try it'? Putting peanut butter on top of waffles with syrup. It is fucking delicious.
What's your go-to get pumped up song? 5FDP's cover of "Mama Said Knock You Out" is badass HYPE.
What's the dumbest thing your parents have said or done? Well, through a family assessment before my current partial hospitalization could begin, I very recently learned my dad fucking did drugs before my sisters and I were born, including shit like cocaine. That was great to suddenly learn. As for my mom... probably have a kid too young? She doesn't talk very much about her eldest daughter's history with (and without) her, but I know enough to know that was a very rocky time in her life.
What are some things you wish existed? Cures for countless illnesses, and I also have SUUUUUCH a yearning for some kind of technology that could copy an image in your head onto a drawing device. If only I could draw how/what I see up there...
Which person shaped you the most? Jason. Or Mom.
What’s the one movie you couldn’t finish? Why? Couldn't tell you; I just haven't watched enough.
What's a small thing you have a big passion for? Meerkats, quite literally with "small" lmao.
What change have you made recently to help the environment? I have metal straws I try to remember to bring with me if I go out to eat.
What was the hardest thing you've ever had to forgive? The way Jason left.
Is there anything or anyone you're angry at, that you haven't forgiven yet? I sometimes question if I truly have forgiven Jason. I lean kinda heavily towards yes, I have, I'm just bitter about it all regardless.
Have you ever plotted revenge against someone? No.
Have you ever done anything to get revenge against someone? I can't think of anything off the top of my head.
What is the greatest longing of your heart? To feel purpose.
Who was your first love? Some guy in high school who "had" to talk to me upon seeing me the first time, only to wind up wanting to hear nothing from me later on down the line.
What denomination is your church (if you go)? N/A
What was the first year you voted in a presidential election? This most recent election, actually.
Have you ever been afraid of the world ending? I used to worry it would happen in my lifetime, but now I don't. If it ends, it ends. I ain't got much to lose nowadays.
What is unfair about your life? My mental health. My financial position. I'd rather not focus on the billion shitty things going on in my life rn, so next question.
Did you write love poems when you were younger? ugh
Who are you jealous of and why? There's a lot of people I'm in some way envious of, honestly.
Have you ever had an account of yours hacked? Yes. Thankfully nothing major happened.
Have you ever been a victim of police misconduct? No.
#survey#surveys#questions#questionnaire#lyrics: ''creatures x: to the grave'' by motionless in white
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
Best Shot
Group: Stray Kids
Genre: Fluff
Word Count: 4500+
Summary: Han Jisung, certified quiet boy, has never really understood the hype about love and romance. That is until he has to step out of his comfort zone and onto the basketball court to impress that one person he can’t stop thinking about
Main Themes: highschool!AU, basketball!AU, internalized homophobia, friends-to-lovers
a/n: Hi guys! This is my first time writing a slow burn, multi chapter fic! I worked very hard on this and I am proud of the results. I will try and upload more chapters regularly :) Enjoy!!
CHAPTER 1
From the outside, Han Jisung would seem to be the average high school senior. He goes to school, comes home, does his average two or three hours of homework, maybe picks up a shift at the bakery he works at, and tries his best to maintain his barely existent social life.
Jisung always has had a way of emitting this friendly air that all desirable friends have. There aren’t many people who have had a conversation with him that can honestly say that they dislike him. He would not be considered overly popular, or overly smart, or overly artistic; however, nobody could deny his good looks.
He had the type of face that many actors would kill for. Of course he knew this, but he tried hard to not define himself by it. He was used to getting the occasional side glace from his female classmates, or opening his locker to a love letter or two from some hopeful freshman that believed she had a chance with him.
The truth about Jisung was, perhaps he wasn’t as average as many would have suspected. Sure nobody really knew about it, but he wasn’t interested in those girls.
He's dated girls, he's kissed girls, but he has never once felt the spark from them that high school dramas and romance movies have trained him to expect. He walks around the school as the center of attention to some of these girls, and he can’t even seem to figure out why.
Maybe the whole thing is just overrated. Maybe movies and dramas have over exaggerated the entire concept of teenage romance. Maybe he just hasn’t found the right girl yet. Maybe it’s worth holding himself out for the girl that would change his experience with romance.
Then again, he is just young. He doesn’t have a good enough understanding of the whole idea to make that kind of judgement. The easiest thing for him to do is to focus on school and live his teenage years right, so he won’t regret it.
Other than the fact that he saw his friends and his favourite biology teacher everyday, school was a nightmare. Jisung shouldn’t complain about it though; school was awful for everyone his age. It was only one more year before he could leave the last four of them behind. Not only did Jisung have to deal with the pressures of school from his teachers and peers during the day, but he had to come home every night to a family that had one goal and one goal for him only- to get into one of the world’s top 100 universities.
He knows that he shouldn’t complain about his parents; he knows that they only want the best for him, but he still can’t shake the stress of it all. Sometimes it seems like his academics are all they care about.
Nevertheless, Jisung deals with it. The same way he deals with everything in his life.
-------
“Jisung, did you hear about the basketball teams party?”
Of course he had. Everybody had. And just like always, Jisung has no interest in going.
“Felix, why do you always care so much about those stupid parties?” Jisung answered.
Lee Felix was one of Jisung’s two best friends. They had known each other since primary school, when Jisung accidentally tripped Felix during a game of capture the flag. The two had been inseparable all throughout their school years.
Felix had a dumbfounded look on his face as he processed what Jisung said.
“Why do I care? Because I should!” he whined, “Jisung, we’re seniors and we have been to what, like two parties?” Jisung could tell Felix wanted to go.
“Actually no,” Kim Seungmin said, dropping his bag down beside the table where the other two were eating lunch and sitting down, “Felix has been to like two parties, and Jisung hasn’t been to any.”
Felix gave a sort of I told you so gesture to Jisung, which the latter waved off. “It’s so overrated,” Jisung explained, “a bunch of drunk, horny teenagers... rubbing together or something.. I don’t know, it just sounds gross.”
“Give Felix a drink, and you’ll have yourself a drunk, horny teenager,” Seungmin commented, and Felix punched him in the arm.
“Jisung, think about it?” Felix begged, and Jisung sighed.
“I’m sorry dude, did you even get invited?”
The only thing worse than going to a high school party was going to a high school party that they weren’t invited to.
Felix scoffed at him, “it’s open invite, it’s always open invite. You know that.”
The bell rang throughout the cafeteria, and all around them kids began packing up to get to their next class.
“I’ll think about it.” Jisung reluctantly said. There was no way he was going to go.
----
“Attention teachers. At this time, please dismiss all students on the varsity boys basketball team for their away game today against Eastmile High. Students, wish our boys luck!”
The announcements blared throughout the school, just in case anybody didn’t already know about what kings the boys on the basketball team were. They always had a near full turnout at all of their games, they had girls lining up out the door for their numbers, and of course, they had the street credit of those amazing parties they always throw.
Jisungs eyes flicked towards a boy rise from his seat on the other side of the room. Of course it was Hwang Hyunjin.
“Yeah, just go. Good luck Mr. Hwang,” Jisung’s math teacher said, and Hyunjin mumbled a quick thanks, packed up his books, and headed for the door for another inevitable win.
Hyunjin and Jisung used to be very close in primary school, mainly due to the fact that they lived about four houses down from each other. When they got old enough for their parents to trust them, they used to walk to school together.
Things change, that’s just the way it was. During their first year of high school, Jisung was immediately tagged as the “quiet kid”, whereas Hyunjin made it on the basketball team and the soccer team, making him a double threat jock. Jisung was fine with that for a while, they still hung out on weekends every so often, and they’d be invited to each other’s birthday celebrations. Eventually, Hyunjin began to drift apart from Jisung more and more. Soon, he stopped saying hi to him in the halls. By the time senior year came around, Hyunjin and Jisung were strangers.
But that’s fine. Everybody loses their primary school friends when they go to high school, it’s just how it is.
Jisung continued on his practice problems, even though there was only five minutes left until the bell rang and he could leave. Jisung never felt he was that good in math, but he has no choice but improve if he wants to make it into a good school.
The bell rang shortly after that, and Jisung packed up his books, hastily shoving them in his bag.
“Do you have any plans for the weekend, Mr. Han?” Jisung’s teacher asked, and this was one of those times that Jisung mentally cursed that the seating plan has him in front of the teacher’s desk.
“Uh, no actually, not really.” He answered dryly, hoping that his teacher would just leave it at that. Ah, but he was a dreamer.
“What?” his teacher asked, “but you’re a high school senior and it’s Friday night!”
Jisung scoffed a little bit in his head. So? he wanted to ask.
“Yeah I don’t know yet, maybe I’ll do something with my friends,” Jisung wished this guy would see how he doesn’t want to talk anymore, and thankfully, the man was distracted by a small girl from the back row.
“Sir, can I ask a question about the homework?” she asked, and Jisung took this opportunity to leave with the wave of other students filing out of the classrooms into the overly crowded halls.
Jisung made his way over to Felix’s locker, which is conveniently near Seungmin’s locker. It was the next hall over from his math class, and when he turned the corner, he saw that the two of them were already there, talking and packing their bags.
“What’s going on?” Jisung asked, leaning up against the locker beside Felix’s. Felix bent down to zip up his back pack,
“We’re talking about the party tonight,” Seungmin answered nonchalantly. Of course they were.
“My mom’s gonna drive us since I can’t drive and Seungmin’s keys are confiscated,” Felix added. Jisung knew there was more. “That is, unless a friendly little introvert would mind helping us out, and experiencing this great thing I’m always hearing about, what is it called again Seungmin?”
“I believe you’re looking for the word fun, Felix.”
Felix snapped his fingers, “That’s it! Fun!” Felix smiled sickeningly at Jisung. There it was.
Jisung groaned, but finally agreed to give the boys a ride to the party. Jisung got his licence over the summer, and he saved up all of his tips from his job at the bakery, plus his birthday and Christmas money to afford a car. Of course, not only his parents are abusing the fact that they have a son who can drive, but Jisung’s friends are also begging and bribing him all the time for rides places.
“This is going to be so much fun, you won’t regret it!” Felix shouted.
The three of them walked over to Jisung’s locker so that he could get packed up, and then made their way outside to Jisung’s car, where Jisung would drive them home from school. Jisung’s car was not the prettiest or the most functional, but it was good enough to get from point A to point B.
When Jisung dropped Felix off at his place, Felix reminded him to be ready and to pick them up at 8:00 so that they can make it to the party at 8:30. Jisung nodded him off and drove himself back home.
----
Jisung’s mom wasn’t happy about him going to a party that night. She was concerned because he had a biology test on the following Tuesday. Even though that was the class Jisung was most confident with, she still wanted him to spend as long as he can studying. She finally agreed to let him go when he told her that he would go to see his teacher at lunch and after school on Monday for extra study time.
Jisung knew he was done for when Chaeryeong found out he was actually going to a real high school senior party.
Chaeryeong was Jisung’s little sister, who was a good three years younger than him. She was a freshman at his school, and never ceased to butt into his life, even though socially, her’s was much better.
“Please take me with you,” she begged him after she found out about his plans during dinner, “I just want to know what it’s like,”
Chaeryeong, just like a good number of freshmen, still had a large group of friends from her primary school, as well as many new people that she had just met this year. Even though she was only about one month into her high school career, she already had the numbers of more people than Jisung got in his four years of going to that school.
Jisung would be one to call Chaeryeong popular.
“I told you before, you aren’t old enough to go to parties like these, mom is barely letting me go,” Jisung argued. Chaeryeong obviously only wanted to go to this party so that she could brag to her friends that she went to a senior party hosted by the varsity basketball team. The last thing Jisung wanted for his sister is for her to be exposed to all those perverted teenage boys.
“I am so old enough, and besides you owe me one!” Jisung rolled his eyes as he walked up the stairs to his bedroom.
“I don’t owe you shit, now please leave me alone.”
“But Hyunjin will be there!” she whined as she followed him up the stairs. Jisung felt his stomach drop when he remembered about the fact that Hyunjin would be there. Maybe he won’t show? No, this is a basketball team party, of course he’ll be there. Jisung might just have to try and avoid that awkward encounter with his old friend.
Jisung knew about Chaeryeong’s big fat crush on Hyunjin, and it sickened him. Sure, Jisung knew that Hyunjin was attractive for girls like Chaeryeong, but that didn’t give her the right to drool over his childhood best friend.
Jisung stopped outside his door and looked Chaeryeong in her eyes. “Please stay away from him, he won’t even be interested in you anyways,” she pouted at Jisung.
“You don’t know that,” She mumbled, avoiding his gaze. Jisung sighed. As annoying as she could be sometimes, he had to admit that he hated to see her upset. She began picking at her freshly painted nails.
“Chae, I can’t take you with me, okay?” she sighed at him and nodded her head. “Maybe another time.”
Jisung turned away from his sulky little sister into his bedroom, and locked the door behind him. His room was messy, but not too messy that he couldn’t focus in it. It would be better to call it disorganized.
Jisung dressed himself in just some black jeans and a hoodie. There was no need to go all fancy for this party, especially when he could already tell he wouldn’t be there long.
----
8:00 came faster than he thought it would.
Jisung had a weird feeling in his stomach while he grabbed his car keys and yelled goodbye to his mom. He didn’t know if it was nerves, or excitement, or anxiety. Maybe it was all three. He hoped to God that this party would go over well because if he did something embarrassing, it would further marginalize him from the rest of his classmates. He also hoped that this party wouldn’t get as crazy as he sees in movies.
Felix and Seungmin were more than ecstatic to be going to another basketball team party. They spent the whole car ride filling Jisung in on what great things happened at the other parties the other two went to, as well as speculating what might happen tonight. Jisung was amazed at how excited the other boys seemed because for him, all of these recounts seemed like horror stories. Jisung felt that weird feeling in his chest again when Felix told him they were close to Bang Chan’s house, where the party was.
“Who knows,” Felix started, “maybe we’ll even meet some girls tonight.”
Jisung supposed that was true. Maybe making out with a cute girl would make this night a little less awful.
“Felix, remember last time when those three girls took their tops off?” Seungmin said, excitedly hitting Felix in the arm. Felix giggled as he remembered the incident. Maybe this party would be okay if something like that were to happen again.
“You guys are such pervs,” Jisung chuckled, expecting nothing less than that from his friends. Jisung was happy that he had such light-hearted friends though, it made for funny conversations.
“Shit, we’re here” Seungmin commented, and Jisung’s eyes laid on the house at the end of the street. Cars were lined up down the road, people were dancing on the grass, and music was blaring from the house loud enough that Jisung could feel a slight vibration all the way over in his car. Great.
“Holy fuck, it looks awesome!” Felix was practically buzzing from the passenger seat, itching to get out and pour himself a cup of whatever the hell was in there. Jisung managed to find a spot that wasn’t already taken, and parked his car.
The three boys left their car, and made their way over the grass on the front lawn. The house was crowded with people, and the music was already starting the give Jisung a headache. At least he was smart enough not to drag Chaeryeong into this mess.
The three of them grabbed beers from one of the coolers in the living room, and made their way around the house.
“Oh my god, this is so cool!” Felix yelled, just loud enough that Jisung could hear it over the music. “Do you like it?” He asked Jisung.
“Uh,” Jisung started. He wanted to say no, that he wanted to go home, that he didn’t want to risk seeing his old primary school friends, but he also didn’t want to spoil the mood for Felix, who obviously loved these things so much. “Yeah, it’s much better than I thought it would be!” he yelled back, and Felix gave him a satisfied grin.
All around them, people were dancing, drinking, groping, and sucking each others faces. There was also one girl crying, but Jisung couldn’t tell if they were happy tears or sad tears. Seungmin had noticed a pretty girl staring at him, so he ended up ditching Felix and Jisung. That was fine; Jisung still had Felix.
Felix and Jisung were both probably a bit too many beers in, and slowly, Jisung found himself to be enjoying the foreign experience more and more. He had drank alcohol before, but he had never been fully drunk. He didn’t even know if he was drunk now. All he knew was that he loved parties. He loved all of the music they played, he loved spending time with Felix, he loved watching drunk people do stupid things.
Jisung left to go to the bathroom, which he has to do very often when he drinks, and found the stairs where Jisung and Felix were sitting to be empty. Felix ditched him.
Sober Jisung would have been pissed, but drunk Jisung noticed a girl looking at him, which made him happier.
She was cute, with long dark hair and a pretty face. Her eyes were all sparkly, Jisung noticed. She was standing with two other girls, but her attention was on Jisung. Boldly, Jisung began to approach her. The girl got the message, and walked towards him, too.
“Hi,” Jisung started. The girl giggled at him.
“Hi,” she said back, “I’m Nayeon”
Jisung told her his name. The girl, Nayeon, took his hand and led him to a hallway. Jisung thought she was enchanting. Her smile was beautiful, her hands were delicate, her skin was smooth and pale. All at once, she pressed her lips against his.
Jisung panicked a little bit. Things were moving very fast for him at that time, and he didn’t know what he should do. What should he do with his hands? Was she expecting him to do something? His mind was racing.
He thought that he would feel that spark that he was waiting for, but it never happened. Jisung was nervous and anxious while kissing Nayeon. She seemed confident enough, and Jisung knew that Felix would kill to be in his position, but it just made him uncomfortable.
Nayeon wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled him closer, licking at his bottom lip. He gasped a little bit, which she used to dip her tongue in his mouth. That was the line for Jisung.
Jisung pushed Nayeon off of him, which startled her.
“Stop,” he gasped. He wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, and struggled to catch his breath. He felt his face heat up. His head was spinning.
When he looked up, Nayeon looked absolutely terrified.
“I’m so sorry,” she quickly said, “I-I just assumed, I though you wanted-”
“I thought I did too,” he assured. He was so confused. “’Scuse me, I have to find my friends,” he slurred, and took off down the hallway.
The music was making his head foggy and he felt dazed. He was dizzy, and he felt extremely nauseous. He knew what was about to happen, so he quickly raced himself through the crowds of people that smell like sweat and cheap liquor. As soon as he reached the bathroom, he threw up.
Jisung felt gross and sick, and he kept throwing up in Bang Chan’s bathroom. Once he finished throwing up all of his internal organs, he just sat there. He sat on the bathroom floor, and waited for the world to stop spinning.
Maybe he shouldn’t have sat there for so long because all of the sudden, Jisung heard the door open. He turned his head around to see Lee Minho standing in the door frame. Perfect.
Lee Minho was the captain of the varsity basketball team. If all cool and popular teenagers had a leader, it would be Lee Minho. He was handsome as all hell, which Jisung noticed upon his arrival. Jisung always overhears girls talking about him in the hallways. They talk about everything from how good of a kisser they think he is, to what their names would be if they were married, to how good they think his thighs looked in the school uniform.
Lee Minho wasn’t particularly that smart, but it was okay because he was charming and pretty. Jisung has heard all the rumors about the girls he pulls, and Jisung believes every single one of them.
Jisung snapped back into reality when he realized the predicament he was in. Jisung was sitting on the bathroom floor with a face as pale as the moon, and eyes as sunken in as a skeletons. Jisung couldn’t make himself stand up, so he just sat there, eyes on the boy in front of him.
Minho looked startled when he walked in, but his face transformed into one of concern.
“Are you okay?” he asked, crouching down so he could be face to face with the sickly boy. “You look like shit,” he added on. Jisung chuckled a little bit at that.
Jisung stared at the lines of worry across Minho’s face. He still felt so nauseous.
“You’re Jisung, right?” Minho asked. Jisung slowly nodded his head. How did Minho even know who he was? “I know that because of Hyunjin. You look very out of it,” Jisung smiled at Minho. “I’ll be right back”.
Minho stood up to leave, and much to Jisung’s embarrassment, he heard himself whine a little bit. Minho left the bathroom, and Jisung closed his eyes.
Jisung heard the door open again, and he saw Minho with a bottle of water in his hands.
“Drink this, it will make your head less dizzy,” he advised, and Jisung drank from the bottle. “Have you been drinking water tonight?”
Almost instantly after he took a sip, he felt his head begin to clear up. “I’ve been drinking...” Jisung started, wincing at how his voice sounds, “...but it hasn’t been water,” he finished. Minho chuckled at him.
“Jisung, don’t you know that when you drink, you need to have water with it? or else you’ll end up-” Minho paused and examined Jisung’s face, “-like this”.
Jisung smiled and took another sip. He shrugged at the statement.
“First time,” he mumbled. Minho tsked at him.
The older boy stood up and grabbed a washcloth from Chan’s sink drawer. He wet it with cold water, and sat back down by Jisung, who was focused on quickly finishing the water.
“Is it okay if I touch your face?” Minho asked, and Jisung smiled sweetly, nodding his head. Minho gently placed his hand on Jisungs chin and dabbed at his forehead with the washcloth. “You need to be careful when you drink,” Minho said, “did you drive here?” Jisung nodded. “Well you won’t be driving home,”
Jisung closed his eyes as the other boy made his way down his face with the washcloth, dabbing lightly over his eyes, across his cheeks, and even gently on his neck.
“You’re good at this,” Jisung mumbled, and Minho grinned at him.
“I have experience,” he answered.
That was one of the last things Jisung remembered about that night.
----
Jisung woke up with a searing headache. It felt like he was weighed down to the bed, and his brain was being split open. Then, it occurred to Jisung that he didn’t know exactly where he was or what happened at the end of last night.
Slowly, he pried his eyes open just enough to see the similar pattern of his bedspread. He was in his bed, safe and sound.
After a few minutes of questioning his life’s choices, he had decided that he was going to kill Lee Felix and Kim Seungmin for convincing him to go to that party. Cautiously, Jisung sat up in his bed, and saw from the clock on his wall that it was about noon. He groaned and made his way downstairs to get some water.
Once he drank a sufficient amount, he sat down at the kitchen table. His head was pounding, and he felt like he was going to explode. He sat there, trying to regain his strength, sanity, and memory.
How did he get home?
Maybe Seungmin drove him home with his car. He does have his licence after all.
“Han Jisung!” a shrill voice screamed, and Jisung stood up, giving himself a worse headache.
“Ahh! What is it Chaeryeong?” he groaned. His sister giggled and sat down on the table swinging her legs.
“How was your party?” she asked sweetly, as if she didn’t just rip his brain out of his head.
“It was fine,” Jisung answered, sitting back down in his seat. He knew that she wanted to say something. After a moment, he looked up and met her eyes. “What?” he asked.
“Mom’s pretty pissed off that you came home blackout drunk at 3:00 in the morning,” she answered. Jisung was caught off guard.
“Chae, how exactly did I get home? I didn’t drive, did I?” he asked, and she shook her head. Immediately, he felt a weight lift off his shoulders.
Chaeryeong punched him in the arm, “but thanks for the heads up, asshole,”
Jisung groaned and rubbed his arm, which stung like a bitch. “What the hell? What heads up?”
“The heads up about Hyunjin dropping you off! I answered the door for him in my pajamas! He looked absolutely beautiful, and I was in my pajamas!” she whined, and Jisung felt his stomach drop again.
“Hyunjin drove me home?” he asked.
“Jesus, how much did you have to drink anyway? Yeah, he dropped you off.” Chaeryeong stood back up. “I think you should go back over there and thank him, and you should take me with you,” she winked at Jisung. Jisung moaned and stood up.
Just then, he felt his phone vibrate in his pants, which he never ended up taking off from last night. It was a text from an unknown number.
Unknown: Hey, it’s Minho, I hope you don’t mind me getting your number from Hyunjin lol
Unknown: I just wanted to make sure you were doing well after last night
Unknown: Text me when you get this!
Why did Jisung’s heart get warm when he saw that?
#stray kids#stray kids fanfiction#stray kids fanfic#stray kids slow burn#jisung fanfiction#minho fanfiction#felix fanfiction#hyunjin fanfiction#fluff#stray kids fluff#angst#stray kids angst#smut#stray kids smut#stray kids fluff fanfiction#stray kids angst fanfiction#stray kids smut fanfiction#jisung fluff#han jisung fluff#minho fluff#lee minho fluff#hyunjin#jisung#minho#hyunjin fluff#hwang hyunjin fluff#jisung angst#jisung smut#han jisung angst#han jisung smut
33 notes
·
View notes
Last Seen Blogs
thyramalie
gloria regali
skiaismadd
im going madd
falangesdovento
Falanges do Vento
whitevesper
multifandom pain
imaginablation
titre