tag game: shuffle your “on repeat” playlist from spotify and post the first 10 tracks

tagged by: the loves of my life @agentmmayy @myletternevercame @lizzybennets ❤️

I don’t actually have an “on repeat” playlist, so here’s 10 songs I’ve had on repeat lately

Long Day - Matchbox Twenty

Accidental Babies - Damien Rice

Borderline - Tove Lo

My Kink is Karma - Chappell Roan

Nostalgic for the Moment - Kathryn Gallagher

Monster - Hotel Fiction

Backwards Directions - Abby Sage

Bleachers - bluffs.

Way I Go - Gordi

Renaissance Man - Sidney Bird

tagging: @carry-the-sky @onebatch2batch @ballerinikelsea @majicmarker

𝙸 𝙵𝚎𝚎𝚕 𝙰𝚕𝚒𝚟𝚎? // 𝚃𝚑𝚎 𝚃𝚠𝚎𝚕𝚏𝚝𝚑 𝙽𝚒𝚐𝚑𝚝

𝙼𝙰𝚂𝚃𝙴𝚁𝙻𝙸𝚂𝚃 // 𝚃𝙰𝙶𝚂 // 𝙿𝙻𝙰𝚈𝙻𝙸𝚂𝚃 // 𝚃𝙰𝙶𝙻𝙸𝚂𝚃

𝚝𝚊𝚕𝚔 𝚝𝚘 𝚖𝚎 𝚊𝚋𝚘𝚞𝚝 𝚑𝚊𝚛𝚛𝚢 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚌𝚊𝚛𝚘𝚕𝚒𝚗𝚎 // 𝚜𝚞𝚙𝚙𝚘𝚛𝚝 𝚖𝚢 𝚠𝚛𝚒𝚝𝚒𝚗𝚐

𝙳𝙸𝚂𝙲𝙻𝙰𝙸𝙼𝙴𝚁: 𝙱𝙸𝙿𝙾𝙻𝙰𝚁 𝙳𝙸𝚂𝙾𝚁𝙳𝙴𝚁, 𝙼𝙴𝙽𝚃𝙸𝙾𝙽𝚂 𝙾𝙵 𝚂𝙴𝙻𝙵 𝙷𝙰𝚁𝙼, 𝙼𝙴𝙽𝚃𝙸𝙾𝙽𝚂 𝙾𝙵 𝚂𝚄𝙸𝙲𝙸𝙳𝙴, 𝙰𝙽𝚇𝙸𝙴𝚃𝚈

𝚠𝚎𝚕𝚌𝚘𝚖𝚎 𝚝𝚘 𝚑𝚊𝚛𝚛𝚢 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚌𝚊𝚛𝚘𝚕𝚒𝚗𝚎'𝚜 𝚠𝚘𝚛𝚕𝚍. 𝚒𝚝'𝚜 𝚖𝚎𝚜𝚜𝚢 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚛𝚘𝚖𝚊𝚗𝚝𝚒𝚌 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚜𝚘𝚖𝚎𝚠𝚑𝚎𝚛𝚎 𝚊 𝚕𝚒𝚝𝚝𝚕𝚎 𝚋𝚒𝚝 𝚒𝚗 𝚋𝚎𝚝𝚠𝚎𝚎𝚗. 𝚒 𝚑𝚘𝚙𝚎 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚎𝚗𝚓𝚘𝚢. 𝚒'𝚖 𝚑𝚎𝚛𝚎 𝚒𝚏 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚗𝚎𝚎𝚍 𝚊𝚗𝚢𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚗𝚐. 𝚒 𝚕𝚘𝚟𝚎 𝚢𝚘𝚞. 𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚗𝚔 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚝𝚘 @summertimestyles 𝚊𝚗𝚍 @theharriediaries 𝚊𝚗𝚍 @hunflowers 𝚏𝚘𝚛 𝚕𝚒𝚜𝚝𝚎𝚗𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚝𝚘 𝚖𝚎 𝚝𝚊𝚕𝚔 𝚊𝚋𝚘𝚞𝚝 𝚑𝚊𝚛𝚛𝚢 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚌𝚊𝚛𝚘𝚕𝚒𝚗𝚎 𝚏𝚘𝚛 𝚍𝚊𝚢𝚜 𝚘𝚗 𝚎𝚗𝚍. 𝚒𝚝 𝚖𝚎𝚊𝚗𝚜 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚠𝚘𝚛𝚕𝚍 𝚝𝚘 𝚖𝚎. 𝚒 𝚕𝚘𝚟𝚎 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚊𝚕𝚕 𝚟𝚎𝚛𝚢 𝚖𝚞𝚌𝚑.

Harry and Caroline are fighting, again. Again, being the key word, there.

And well, it’s not really Harry fighting, it’s Caroline. It’s Caroline fighting with herself, Harry trying to stop it, and her internal disarray of chemicals that make her brain function atypically arguing back against him. That’s how it feels to Harry, at least; that he’s fighting the chemicals in her brain and not the nonsense that it tells her, because logically Caroline knows better than to talk to the people that hurt her, by now, especially her mother.

“Harry, I couldn’t not invite my mother! That’s my mom.”

“Caroline, yes, you could have. It’s very simple, love. Quite literally, you don’t text her, you don’t send the invitation.”

“Don’t ‘love’ me,” Caroline bites back daringly, crossing her arms in front of her chest and standing directly in front of her fiancé, his stature much taller and more commanding than her own in the cotton robe she’s clothed in as she gets dressed and ready for their engagement party, this evening. “I’m angry with you.”

“I’m angry with you,” Harry sighs frustratedly, shaking his head and walking out of the bathroom with a towel wrapped around his waist, his hair slightly damp and shaggy from the humidity of the closed off room. “Callie, you know how I feel about your mother, and you know how it would make me feel that you sent her an invitation to our wedding. Callie, you crossed a boundary and you hurt my feelings.”

That’s what gets Caroline. That sentence is what makes her heart shatter in her chest and feel as though the shards are scraping at the inside of her chest and there’s no way to breathe properly. Caroline hates crossing boundaries, and even worse, she hates hurting Harry’s feelings. Especially when he’s only doing something to protect her.

“Let’s take a breather,” Harry suggests, swallowing a thick lump in his throat and shaking his head, sucking in a deep breath in through his nose and pursing his lips together. “I’ll get ready in the bedroom. Get ready in here.”

“Okay,” Caroline sighs, tightening the cotton around her waist and slowly shutting the bathroom door behind her, their clothing already separated into the bathroom and the bedroom before their shower was even taken, almost a forewarning for what would happen when Caroline accidentally spoke about inviting her mother to their wedding in the middle of their shower and Harry looked at her with wide eyes and an open jaw. “Don’t leave.”

Harry knows that it’s more of a question than a statement. “I’m naked, love. Can’t really go anywhere without m’clothes, anyways.” Caroline doesn’t laugh. “I’ll be right where you left me, Callie. Promise.”

“Kiss?”

“Come here,” he says, ushering her towards him, holding his hand out and grabbing her wrist lightly, careful to not touch the crescent shaped marks she left in her skin earlier in the week. “Kiss.” 

Harry kisses Caroline three times, twice always, third for good measure. Caroline hums contently, nodding her head and turning on her heel to walk towards the bathroom, quietly shutting the door behind her before flicking on the air vent and beginning her routine around the room. 

Caroline thinks about lots of things in the midst of getting ready for the evening, such as her mother, her father, her family that flew into town two nights ago, their friends, their cat, Harry, but namely about how engagement parties have always been something that seem so over the top to her. 

All of it – the wedding traditions – seem like so much work for one night, especially for a night that most of their friends will not remember considering how easily they black out drinking when unlimited liquor is involved. Having an engagement party never really mattered to Caroline, that is until she became the engaged one, mainly because Harry refused to not follow through every tradition that is involved in the wedding planning, from the bachelor and bachelorette parties, to the letters for their first fight being tucked away in a box, to not seeing the bride the night before the wedding. Harry is listening to all of it, and all of it is beginning to get on Caroline’s nerves, a tiny bit. Harry isn’t getting on Caroline’s nerves because she’s angry or mad at him, no, but because he’s so considerate of her through everything, that it is driving her insane that they aren’t married already. If it were up to Caroline and Caroline only, she and Harry would have eloped the day he proposed to her. 

And before Caroline even knows it, nearly an hour has passed, and Harry is knocking on the bathroom door to warn her of the time. 

“Are you ready, Bug?” Harry calls from their bedroom, buttoning the cuffs of his long sleeves and bringing the suit jacket over his shirt, adjusting the waistband of his trousers and having the material sit lowly on his hips. “Odds of us being early are running relatively slim if we don’t get a move on, soon.”

“Ready!” Caroline calls from the bathroom, the silk, champagne pink dress clinging to the curves of her body, her heels clicking against the linoleum as she hurriedly rushes out of the room and brushes her fingers through the freshly done curls. Caroline refused to have anyone help her get ready, tonight, insisting that she would be perfectly fine on her own, and instead her slightly irritated fiancé wound up in the bathroom with her, helping her finish her hair while she applied the final touches to her makeup and her accessories. “Is the car running, Shakespeare?”

“Has been for a few minutes, now, love,” he says with a smile, taking a moment to let his eyes wander over his fiancée, taking in her appearance and the way she’s never looked more beautiful than with the ring on her finger and his pearls around her neck. “Look absolutely stunning, Cal.”

“Thank you. Look quite handsome yourself,” she blushes, reaching out her hand and graciously giving herself to him, intertwining their fingers and letting his thumb brush over her knuckles as they hurry down the stairs and wave goodbye to their cat and make their way to the car, where Harry is quick to open the door and shut it behind her. Harry is around the driver’s seat before she can even attach her phone to the radio, ready to play their songs over the speakers and sing loudly and proudly all the way to the venue. Harry and Caroline sing quietly together for a while, trying to beat the rush of traffic in Central London to meet at the venue where the engagement party would be held by all their family and the few friends that flew out for the event. Caroline, out of nowhere, says, “I’m sorry I invited my mother without talking to you about it first. I’m sorry that I went over your boundary and I didn’t show you the respect that you show me regarding people that hurt our feelings and don’t respect us.”

“I accept the apology, love,” Harry smiles, kissing her hand and squeezing her fingers softly in his hand. “Care to tell me why you did it? Are you ready for that conversation, or not yet?”

“Not yet.”

“Okay, baby. We’ll talk about it later.” Harry smiles again, this time at Caroline, and kisses her knuckles, trying to soothe the anxiety that he can see physically building in her eyes. “Did you know that once the bookstore is all together, I’ll be writing an entire poetry book about how much I love you?” 

“Harry Styles, you love me, your mentally ill fiancée, that much that you’d write a whole poetry book about me?” Caroline teases, turning to face Harry in her seat and smirking at the slight crack of a smile peeking onto the corners of his mouth.

“Mentally ill fiancée,” Harry grumbles, squeezing her hand warningly and shaking his head in disapproval. “Can’t stand you sometimes, Caroline Ryan.”

“Can so,” she says confidently, wiggling her left hand in the air with her quaint diamond ring sitting perfectly on her finger. “Asked me to marry you to prove it.”

Harry is quiet until Caroline sets her hand on her thigh, his eyes traveling from the red light to the dainty ring on her third finger before speaking. “Can I please get you a better ring, Callie? I hate that you wouldn’t let me splurge on a ring for you, like you deserve.” Harry’s been harping on this since the day he proposed, since the moment he opened the little antique box, and the engagement ring was just enough to fit inside. He’s felt like it wasn’t enough to show his love for her, that their love should be shown in a more extravagant way than a dainty gold band and one singular diamond. “I can afford to buy you a better ring, now.”

“Harry, I don’t want a different ring. This is the one that you proposed with, that you thought would mean something special to me, and that’s the one I want,” Caroline says firmly, shaking her head and turning to face the window, soaking in the sights of the city and the bustling traffic surrounding their newly bought car.

Shakespeare’s Library is doing exceptionally well since the grand opening a few months ago, with regular customers and the new influx of shoppers since opening in the city, and it was enough for them to afford to move out of his sister’s house and into the apartment above the shop. It’s small, very small, but enough for the two of them to share comfortably, with one bedroom and a bathroom and decent sized kitchen for dancing at one in the morning. Their dining table is simultaneously the workstation for Caroline’s book – which has yet to be named – and Harry’s records for the financials of the bookstore that’s been his dream since he was a little boy.

“Fine,” Harry agrees regretfully, turning into the parking space and shifting the gears into park, turning to face the woman sitting next to him who is nervously picking at the hem of her dress. Better than making her fingernails bleed, Harry thinks to himself. “Go on and tell me why you’re anxious, Callie.”

Caroline sighs, looking towards Harry and says, “Our love story isn’t all cute and butterflies and rainbows, Harry. Hell, I didn’t even like you at first! Then, I’m supposed to go and tell this story to your family who thinks so highly of me, and I’m going to have to tell your mother that I hated her baby before I loved him.”

“That’s our story, though,” he says delicately, kissing her knuckles and rubbing his thumb over her wrist. “Our story wasn’t meant to be like everyone else’s. It wasn’t meant to be like Niall and Liv’s or Mitch and Sarah’s. Or anyone else’s for that matter. It’s meant to be ours, Callie.”

“How do you know that?” Caroline wonders honestly, sighing and looking into his emerald eyes and seeing the love and affection that pour through them, and all she wants is a kiss. Her eyes barely have to flicker to where his lips are before he’s leaning over the center console and grabbing her face to kiss her gently, his hands holding her cheeks, his rings cold against her skin. “Hm, you know that because you love me. That’s what you’re going to say, isn’t it?”

Harry nods proudly, pecking her lips once more before turning the ignition and opening the car door. Hurrying around the car to open her door – because she knows better than to try and open her door, by now – Harry takes Caroline’s hand and interlocks their fingers, walking inside the quaint restaurant and into the private room they rented for their party and the evening. His hand is warm and comforting in hers, his thumb rubbing along her knuckles and her cheek laying on his shoulder as the owners of the restaurant talk quietly with her fiancé about the room and everything that would be catered for the evening. His mother and sister are hurrying inside after them, apologizing for running late and wrapping their future daughter/sister-in-law in their arms for a warm embrace. Their best friends are quickly coming to follow, and the few family members that were invited and to the event are shuffling in behind them. Quickly, the private room is filled to the brim with nearly twenty of their closest friends and family.

“Hi, hello. Come on in,” Harry announces with Caroline at his side, her hand wrapped in his, intertwining their fingers and squeezing every so often to remember that he’s there with her, holding her safe. Harry knows that Callie isn’t doing too well, right now, and she needs him more than ever. “I, I want to thank you for coming and celebrating such a special day with us. Callie and I recently got engaged, as you already know, and we wanted to have a little dinner with our family and friends to celebrate the occasion. Our love story is anything but typical, maybe even ideal, and we thought, what better way to celebrate being engaged, than to tell the story of how we met and fell in love with all our friends that don’t necessarily know the whole story.”

“Tell it then, Mr. Storyteller,” Niall shouts from his table in the corner, earning a smack on the forearm from his girlfriend and a stifled laugh from Mitch sitting next to him. “Ouch.”

“Callie is going to tell the story, actually,” Harry says to their friends and family, squeezing her hand and pulling out the paper that she wrote on from his suit jacket pocket. He kept it there for safekeeping because knowing his fiancée, as lovely as she is, she’s quite forgetful and would have sent herself into a near panic attack had she forgotten the papers at home and had to tell their love story solely on memory. 

“All right, baby. This is your time. Can stop any time you need to. All you have to do is look at me. Look at me and I’ll know what to do.” Harry looks at Caroline fondly and kisses her cheek. “I love you.” Caroline nearly melts at the term of endearment; it’s not one that Harry uses usually, especially not since they moved in together two years ago and their names that they have for each other are too sweet for him not to say. Caroline’s hands are shaking when she reaches for the papers from Harry, and his eyes grow wide with nerves as he notices. “Callie, you don’t have to do this.”

“I want to,” Caroline assures, adjusting the strap on her shoulder and setting her glass of champagne that was given to her as they walked inside the venue on the table, a light sheen of sweat beginning to form beneath her makeup as she feels everyone’s eyes fall to her. Caroline never liked speaking in front of crowds, especially not when there are people that she could very well make a poor impression upon, like his mother and sister, their friends, their coworkers.

This, tonight, is different, though. This is for their engagement, for the next step in their relationship. This is for the stories they’ll tell their nieces and nephews, their friends and family, their audiences when they write their own novels and poetry collections and short stories, like Sylvia Plath and Virginia Woolf. This is different, for all intents and purposes. That’s what makes Caroline want to do it – specially to show the love of her life that this means as much to her as it does to him – to tell the story of their love, even if it is less than ideal in the beginning.

“Firstly, I want to thank everyone for coming,” Caroline begins, smiling softly as Harry’s hand finds its way to the small of her back comfortingly. “Especially our friends and Harry’s family, that made it over here and are staying together in a hotel, it means a lot to me that you’ve come to share this time with us, even more so that my family couldn’t be here for the engagement.” 

Caroline’s family couldn’t make the engagement, the engagement party, and a majority of the wedding traditions as a majority of the relatives and cousins and aunts and uncles live in another country and are a bit older, a bit estranged. Lucy, Caroline’s mother, still has yet to reach out, even though Caroline and Harry tracked down her location and sent an announcement weeks ago. Caroline, since they sent the announcement, has been hung up on inviting her mother to the wedding, to seeing her there, maybe, just maybe, making a good impression and winning her over, like she wishes she had when she was a little girl. Harry wishes this wasn’t the case, but there is little he can do to change her mind.

“Our story is anything but the typical romantic comedy that my darling fiancé adores, and to be honest, it’s something that, had you told me five years ago, I would be telling at an engagement party, our engagement party, I would have given you some choice words and something along the lines of, ‘Go away’.” Niall and Mitch laugh loudly in the corner, nodding along with Liv and Sarah. “Truth be told, lucky is the best, the only, way to describe how it feels to be me, today. Lucky to be standing with someone by my side who understands me, who loves me, who cares for me on the bad days and the good days. There are plenty of them, the bad days, and Harry is someone that immediately knows what to do, how to take care of me, how to love me, especially on the very bad days – the days when the lights are off and there’s no way to find the light switch. Truthfully, I could go into detail about how Harry takes care of me on the bad days, how he comforts me, how he knows how to make everything better without having to try very hard. All the things I could say about Harry would make you believe that Harry is the kindest, gentlest soul I’ve ever met, and you would be right. There’s no one I’d rather spend every day of my life with, even if our relationship started out a little rocky. Well, very rocky.” This time, his mother and sister laugh quietly with tears in their eyes. “Our life, our relationship, couldn’t be what it is today if we didn’t dislike each other in the beginning, I don’t believe. Especially me. Disliking Harry–”

Harry coughs quietly and says, “Hating.”

Caroline rolls her eyes, shaking her head and says, “Okay, yes, hating him taught me, in some weird capacity, how to love him, how to love someone that doesn’t quite understand me or anyone like me, just yet.” Caroline looks at the papers in her hands, the ones she’s reading word for word, and sets the pages down on the empty plate, sighing heavily and looking out towards all their friends and family with a fond smile. “Honestly, I thought I was going to need all these pages to tell the story, to remember everything and share the details, but I remember. I remember everything like it was yesterday.”

Shakespearean Literature. That’s the first class on Caroline Ryan’s agenda for the day. 

Liv is in the same building, a workshopping class with her new boyfriend – that she can’t remember the name of if her life depended on it – taking her attention while they were grabbing coffee, this morning. Liv’s relationship is new, an exciting adventure with someone from another country that she met at a bar when Caroline was “home sick with a stomach ache” - also known as, Caroline had a panic attack while getting ready and couldn’t leave her bedroom. Liv is obsessed with him. Caroline has never seen her best friend so infatuated with someone before, and it makes her happy, simultaneously a bit lonely, but happy nonetheless. Caroline knows that she’s not in the business of finding anyone for her, right now, not when she’s still a mess over the recent death in her family and taking care of her family’s estate and all that’s been drudged up by it.

“Caroline Ryan!” Professor Rigsby shouts as she walks into the classroom, coffee in hand, her computer and notebooks tucked away in her backpack. Caroline is infamously early to every class and the only other person in the room is sitting in the front of the class, their back turned as if no one walked into the room, and it suddenly makes her nervous. “Having my two favorite students in the same class. This is going to be a treat!”

Caroline sits in the back of the room instinctively, trying not to draw any attention on her – more than the professor already called to her – and lays everything down, setting her coffee in the cupholder before she spills it over herself – been there, done that – and opening her computer to a new page of notes, ready to be taken. Max – her boyfriend – texts her to make sure that she’s gotten to class all right and everything is going okay so far – he’s considerate, like that. Caroline types her reply on her computer without noticing that the man that was sitting in the front of the room has slowly made his way towards her and is now standing in front of her computer screen with his hand outstretched to introduce himself.

“Oh,” Caroline says embarrassedly, wiping her hand nervously on her thigh and stretching out her hand, shaking his and nearly missing his name.

“Harry,” the taller man states smoothly, his voice is accented from somewhere overseas – that much she knows, likely the United Kingdom, she thinks – his grey shirt tucked into his checkered black and white pants, which hang loose around his thighs and calves. His hair is slightly shaggy, longer on the top and sides, curly brown tendrils falling into his face that he’s brushing back. The sight of Harry, alone, makes her breathe out a singular breath of relief, thanking her lucky stars that he’s not her type and she won’t have to worry about thinking he’s attractive and stumbling over her words with him if they’re partnered together for annotations – which is likely if he’s their professor’s other favorite student. Besides, Max is a good boyfriend and friend. That in and of itself will make this easier for her. 

Harry smiles arrogantly, a dimple indenting his cheek as he stares at her, “Hopefully Professor Rigsby partners us together for the annotations that we’ll have to do this term. It’ll be interesting to see what you have to say.”

“Excuse me?” Caroline says pointedly, already slightly insulted with whatever this man has to say to her. The reason Harry’s talking to her is unknown as it is, let alone why he’s backhandedly complimenting her annotations on the literature of a seventeenth century poet.

“Typically, you know, it’s male dominated course. It’ll be interesting to see what a female, what a woman, has to say about love from a man’s perspective,” Harry says confidently, the disgust written across Caroline’s face with the furrow in her brows and the purse to her lips. “Professor Rigsby said nothing but great things about your writing, so I’m looking forward to getting to know how you interpret literature.” 

Caroline is confused as to why Professor Rigsby was talking to another student about her writing, and why this student thinks it’s acceptable to say such a thing to her. Her nails are instinctively becoming more enticing to pick at the longer he stays and speaks to her, and she’s suddenly happy that the room is filling with students and Harry’s attention is being pulled in an opposite direction.

Caroline’s eyes fall to her thighs, the hair growing beneath the hem of her shorts suddenly bothering her and becoming an obsession to note for later when she’s in the shower. Her nails make crescents in the skin, and she nearly is digging deep enough to cause a cut when the professor coughs and makes an announcement to start the class.

“Welcome to Shakespearean Literature, young master’s students. I’m Professor Rigsby, but you knew that already,” Donald Rigsby announces to the class, standing at his podium and flailing his arms about as he speaks. 

Donald is an older man, likely in his sixties or seventies, and he reminds Caroline of her grandfather, in some ways, the one that used to read classic literature to her as a child when her father told him not to, that it was too mature for a young girl her age, and he would say, ‘Shush, Gabriel, it’s framing her little mind for when she’s a famous writer, too.’ Gabriel Ryan never liked the idea of his daughter growing up, even when she was grown and sitting at his bedside while they took the intubators out of his chest and lungs. “In this course, we are going to be focusing on William Shakespeare’s poetry collection and a few of his playwrights, including my personal favorite, The Twelfth Night. Our discussion groups will be online, and you will be expected to attend every Monday and Wednesday to discuss in person with the whole class. Annotations will be with your partner and individual for every unit, every piece of writing we analyze. Collection of annotations will be done before the exams and given back within a week’s time.” Caroline is focused on picking at hairs on her thighs when her name is shouted out from the podium. “Harry Styles and Caroline Ryan, you’ll be my first set of annotation partners.”

Harry turns in his chair and gives a smile towards Caroline. Caroline nods, smiles, and goes back to focusing on her skin, a speckling maroon dot on her skin in the shape of a moon telling her that she’s gone too far, once again. Caroline can feel Harry’s eyes – that’s who she suspects it is, anyways – on her as the professor announces the rest of the students’ partners for the workshopping annotations, and she nearly looks away from her thighs long enough to meet the stare of the person doing so, but by the time she lifts her head, there are four new marks in her thigh and Professor Rigsby is announcing what textbooks they’ll need for the term and that the class will be short today as they’re only going over the syllabus and their first reading.

Donald Rigsby ends class a staggering ten minutes early – which for him, is impressive – and Caroline is nearly the first one out the door. Nearly, is the key word; that is until she spills her books and notebooks out of her hands and onto the carpet of the hallway of the English Department. Hands littered with rings start to grab the books around her and slide the materials into her knapsack, hurrying the other students around them and eyes drilling holes into her scalp as she continues to stare at the ground, not daring to look up. Only does she lift her head to mutter a quiet, ‘Thank you’.

“Of course,” Harry says calmly, smoothly, his voice silky in every syllable as his enunciations blend together. “Maybe, I was thinking, we should exchange numbers, you know, to work on the annotations?” 

“Emails would probably be best,” Caroline says kindly with a forced smile, nodding her head towards the hallway to the elevators and beginning to walk, Harry quickly following and walking alongside her. “Have everything on record, and all that, you know?”

“Hey, Callie!” Liv shouts from across the hallway, skipping happily towards her and leaving her boyfriend behind as he carries his textbooks in one hand and a backpack over his shoulder. “Harry?”

“Hey, Liv,” Harry smiles, slinging his backpack over his shoulder and waving towards the two walking towards them. “Hey, Niall.”

That’s Liv’s boyfriend’s name. Niall. How come I couldn’t remember that? Caroline wonders thoughtfully, shaking her head and smiling at her best friend and her boyfriend as they step in front of her and her newfound partner, analyzing the situation ahead of them without saying a word.

“Funny that you two have a class together! Not to mention, that we’re all in the same building. The four of us can walk to class together, now. Harry, did you know Callie before this?” Liv asks, smiling to herself as her boyfriend intertwines their fingers together and begins walking towards the elevators. Liv, although the closest thing Caroline has to a best friend, is always too excited for coincidences like this. Liv thinks it’s the universe or something, some bullshit that Caroline refuses to believe in. Gabriel Ryan wouldn’t have believed in it, therefore, why would she?

“Um, no, actually,” Harry says, almost nervously, as though he is trying to find the right words to describe the situation at hand. “Professor Rigsby introduced us, and we’re partners for our annotations.”

“Good ole Rigsby and his annotations,” Niall laughs, clicking on the button for the lobby of the building and kissing Liv’s temple as she lays her head on his shoulder sweetly. “Thank God, we don’t have him, this semester. One more round of annotations and group discussions and it would’ve made me lose my mind.”

“I like Rigsby,” Caroline chimes in, brushing her fingers through her hair and ignoring the way her rings get caught in the curtain bangs that are framing her forehead. “Rigsby is a big fan of my dad.”

Harry tilts his head in confusion and furrows his eyebrows. “Of your dad?”

Caroline sighs, trying to hold back tears and bites on her fingernail. “Gabriel Ryan is, was, my father.”

Harry’s jaw gapes open, his hand immediately reaching into his back pocket and going on his phone, opening an application and clicking on something to show her. Caroline peeks over and looks at what he’s trying to show her – a picture from one of her father’s last concerts – and nods solemnly, smiling at the memory of the night that was so perfect and so surely one of the best nights of her life. Gabriel Ryan’s farewell tour was two years ago, a farewell tour to settle into retired life and write music for fun and focus on his daughter. Gabriel Ryan’s farewell tour was two years ago, and the picture that Harry showed her, was a year before the worst day of Caroline’s life.

“The ‘Must Bid You Adieu Tour’,” Caroline says fondly, smiling to herself and slinging her backpack over her shoulder as they all begin to walk out of the elevator and into the lobby of the building, people bustling around them and hurrying to their next class. “That was the best tour, the ‘Bid You Adieu’ Tour. Had the biggest shows ever on that tour. There’s a picture of the audience from the Staples Center hanging in my living room.”

Harry is quiet for a moment, waiting for Liv or Niall or Caroline to speak, and when they’re silent, his voice cracks and says, “I’m really sorry about your father, Caroline. Can’t imagine what that must’ve been like for you. Especially to find him.”

Caroline swallows thickly and nods, taking her sunglasses from her hair and sliding the metal over her face, hiding the way her eyes are watering and there is a red line circulating her deeply brown irises. Caroline’s freckles line her nose and her cheeks, and there is a singular braid plaited down her head behind her curtain bangs that Harry takes notice of. Gabriel Ryan’s spitting image, now that Harry thinks of it.

“Um, yeah, it wasn’t great,” Caroline says with a dry laugh, shaking her head and taking a step towards the exit with her keys swinging in her hand. “Harry, um, email me and we can get started on the annotations for next week. Liv, I’ll see you at home?”

“Niall’s going to drive me in a little bit. Think we’re grabbing lunch. That’s what we’re doing, right, baby?” Liv smiles, taking Caroline’s hand before she can walk away and squeezing it gently, turning over her shoulder to look at her boyfriend who’s already started talking quietly to his friend.

“That’s right, yeah,” Niall says coolly, smacking Harry’s arm and turning to face Caroline as she walks further towards the exit. “Callie, you’re still coming for dinner, tonight, right?”

“Um, yeah, we’ll see,” Caroline smiles, nodding her head and biting at her bottom lip until the skin is breaking and she can taste the familiar metallic sense on her tongue. “Might have some work to get done first, but I’ll try to make it.”

“Come on, Callie,” Niall whines, shaking his head and clicking his tongue at her disgracefully. “Mitch will be there and he’s bringing Sarah, Harry’s coming, you have to come.”

“I’ll try to make it,” Caroline swears, nodding her head towards the exit and clutching her backpack tighter to her chest. “I’ll see you later, Liv.”

Harry looks between Niall and Liv and sighs, wondering quietly to himself if Caroline is always so hostile and guarded towards new people. He nearly asks Liv the question, wondering aloud if he had said or done something to bother her, but Liv cut to the chase. “Don’t take it personally, Harry.”

Harry looks between Niall and Liv and says, “Take what personally, exactly?”

“Caroline’s, um, demeanor,” Liv says quietly, turning her head to make sure that Caroline’s disappeared from the vicinity before speaking. “Caroline is just guarded, that’s all. Makes people work to get to know her.” Liv lets go of Niall’s hand and walks closer to Harry, holding her index finger to his chest and saying sternly, “Callie’s schoolwork is her biggest priority, making sure that she gets to graduation, so I swear to God, Harry, if you do anything to mess with her or ruin her grade in that class, I’ll ruin your life. That’s a promise.”

“Got it,” Harry says, shaking his head and taking a step away from her, his hands held in the air in surrender and his green eyes wide. “Is Caroline, like, depressed, or something? Guess anyone would be after what happened to her father, but you know. It’s been over a year. Hasn’t it? Hasn’t she, like, gotten over it, by now?” Harry says the word as though it’s a swear and it’s forbidden, his voice lowered and tempered. “Guess like, what other reason would she have for not wanting to come to a party with all her friends?”

“Callie has her reasons. That’s not something you just get over, Harry. Callie’s father taking his own life isn’t something you get over,” Liv says softly, delicately trying to say things without invading Caroline’s personal information to share. “Everyone has their reasons, Harry. It’s not my place to share those reasons, those issues with you. That’s Callie’s choice.” Liv turns to face him, once more. “And by the way, Caroline goes by Callie.”

 “Got it, Liv.”

* * *

Harry emailed Caroline as soon as he and Niall got back to their apartment that afternoon.

Caroline, I’m free for annotating The Twelfth Night, this Sunday. I figure we should do it before our discussion posts are due, so I’m thinking we should meet earlier in the day. Maybe around 2? Let me know your thoughts.

Harry Styles

Harry worded it differently about three times, changing the phrasing and the context and the juxtaposition of his words nearly a dozen times before deciding to send it. Harry isn’t sure why he feels a sense of nervousness looming over him, why the idea of being rejected is bothering him so much. Harry has Anna Marie – never call her by her first name or she will raise hell – his girlfriend of three years, to be exact, so it’s not like he’s intimidated by her in that sense, in a romantic way. Things have been rocky with Anna Marie lately, so maybe that’s why - it’s the residual nerves that he feels. That makes sense. That has to be why.

Maybe, you know, maybe, Caroline is pretty. But that doesn’t have anything to do with why Harry is afraid of being rejected, though. Of course not.

“Harry, is Anna Marie coming, tonight?” Niall asks, pulling Harry out of his thoughts and away from his reading. Harry was already reading the text for the weekend, periodically checking his email to see if Caroline responded. Harry nods without saying a word, hating himself for inviting her. “Christ Almighty. Love you, mate, but holy fuck, she’s annoying.”

Believe me, I get it. Do you think I don’t know that? Harry thought to himself. 

“Anna has her moments,” Harry says, cracking his neck and knuckles and leaning back in his chair, moving his hair away from his forehead and sighing deeply. “Caroline,” he says hesitantly, instantly drawing his friend’s attention back and causing him to stop in his tracks, “is she seeing anyone?”

“Harry, no,” Niall sterns, shaking his head and taking a seat at the chair across from him. “Look, Callie is a nice girl, but she’s fucked in the head, mate. Like proper fucked. Especially since her dad passed away. Liv is her best friend and wouldn’t say anything, but you’re mine and I’ll say something, as much as we love the girl. Callie ...Callie is so nice, and she really cares about all of her friends and all that, but she’s not dating material, not now at least. Especially not you.”

“Fuck is that supposed to mean?” Harry asks accusatively, crossing his arms in front of his chest and furrowing his brows at his best friend. “Especially not you. The hell is that supposed to mean, mate?”

“Harry, you don’t really get mental health shit,” Niall says, shrugging his shoulders and leaning against the back of the chair. “Like, I told you about my anxiety in small spaces, my claustrophobia, you said to take a deep breath and to not be in small spaces.”

Harry looks at Niall with utter confusion and a seemingly lack of care. “I mean, what else are you supposed to do, Niall? Makes sense, doesn’t it? Get nervous in small spaces, don’t go in small spaces.”

“My point exactly.” Niall shakes his head and stands up, brushing his hands over his face and sighing a deep breath, trying to get the point across to his best friend to no avail. “Also, you have Anna Marie. For what reason are you asking if she’s single or not? Callie is practically engaged, by the way.”

Harry isn’t sure why he feels hurt by this. He just met the girl. He barely knows her. Other than the fact that she has more issues than he’s even slightly aware of. “Engaged? Already?”

“Max and Callie have been dating since she’s eighteen or nineteen, I think. Liv explained everything to me, but I forget most of it. It’s all a long story. Everything with Callie is. Callie is basically only still with him because he met her father and her father approved of him,” Niall says with a shrug, pursing his lips together and taking a swig from his beer.

“That’s kind of shitty, isn’t it? Only being with someone because your father approved of them.”

Niall laughs sarcastically, shaking his head and setting his beer on the table. “All right, Mr. Nobility, why are you dating Anna Marie if you don’t like her?” 

“Fair enough,” Harry shrugs his shoulders and nods, swallowing thickly and looking back at his email. “Caroline hasn’t emailed me back.”

“Maybe she’s on her way here,” Niall reasons, standing up and walking into the kitchen to finish the burgers and fries – vegetarian options for Callie and Liv already made – that he’s making for dinner for their miniature party that they’re having, liquors already set on the table ready to be consumed. “Liv texted me and said they were driving over. Max can’t come tonight; he’s studying for some law school exam. Think it’s for a huge internship or something at a huge firm in the city.”

“Nice.” Harry can’t pinpoint why he feels so hostile towards Max, already. He’s never even met the guy. His character must be upstanding if Caroline introduced him to Gabriel Ryan, and to be practically engaged at the age of twenty-four. Harry can’t pinpoint why he feels this way, but he knows that he absolutely despises it.

Harry hates feeling jealous. Over anything, really. Harry gets so bothered by it, that it makes his skin crawl in the most disgusting way.

Knocking on the door pulls Harry out of his daydream, out of his trance. Niall quickly hurries to the front of the apartment, wiping his hands on a towel and opening the door, his girlfriend immediately wrapping her arms around his shoulders and hugging him tightly. Caroline walks inside, eyes meeting Harry’s as she walks through the hallway and into the living room where their dining table is set with wines and tequilas and vodkas for their consumption later in the night. Harry smiles softly, nodding his head and closing his computer, standing and walking towards Caroline and nearly opening his arms for a hug.

Then Harry realizes, he barely knows her.

“Hey, I got your email,” Caroline says, speaking as though she’s rehearsed it. “Usually, I’d rather do the annotations earlier than Sunday, since that’s when our discussions are due, but this week it’ll do. Maybe, next week we can meet on Friday.”

“Oh, all right,” Harry says solemnly, his cheeks flushing red with embarrassment. “Um, yeah, Friday works, yeah.” 

“Harry!” a shrieking voice shouts walking into the apartment, and immediately there are three separate groans at the girl’s appearance. Anna Marie’s – there’s no one else that frustrates their group as much with simply the sound of her voice – platinum blonde hair is pin straight, cascading down her back, and her face is painted with a minimal array of blush and bronzer and mascara. “Harry, hi, baby. How are you?”

Harry forces a smile and kisses her cheek, sighing a heavy breath when she whines and grabs his cheeks and coaxes a kiss to her lips. Anna Marie smiles, then, turning to face Caroline and says, “This is?” 

“Caroline Ryan, my annotation partner for the Shakespearean Literature course I’m taking,” Harry says, smiling and reaching for a stray beer on the table, popping the cap and taking a swig. “Caroline is Gabriel Ryan’s daughter.”

“Holy shit,” Anna Marie says, shaking Caroline’s hand and slinking back into Harry’s side, her arms wrapped around his waist, his arm resting around her shoulder. “Harry and I went to the last tour together with Niall and Mitch. Concert of a lifetime.” 

“That’s for sure,” Niall says, walking into the living room with his girlfriend under his arm and taking a seat at the table, pulling Liv onto his thigh and taking a swig of his beer. “Enough of that, I’m sure Callie doesn’t want to spend her night out talking about that.”

Caroline nods thankfully at Niall, smiling softly at her best friend and reaching for a glass and the red wine. Grabbing for her phone in her back pocket, she already aches to leave and be with her boyfriend and be comfortable in the safety of his apartment. Caroline practically lives with Max on the weekends, living with Liv in an apartment on campus during the week, and today is one of those days where she wishes she stayed in the comfort of his apartment and in his arms. Max gets Caroline, knows when she takes her medication, understands her swings, the Lights On, Lights Off. Max gets it, and that’s more than she could say about anyone that she knows, including Liv, sometimes.

Caroline’s father was the exception. Gabriel Ryan got Caroline better than anyone else could.

Gabriel Ryan was a seasoned professional at handling Bipolar Disorder. That’s what Caroline always says, at least. Gabriel Ryan, who became famous at the young age of twenty-three, only three years before his girlfriend, Lucy, got pregnant with their daughter, later to be named Caroline, after their favorite song. Bipolar Disorder I, the more hyper-manic and hyper-depressive form of Bipolar Disorder, overwhelmed his life as a teenager, making him suicidal and attempt suicide nearly three times before being sent to an inpatient facility where he wrote his the very first album on the sheets of paper given to him during their music therapy time. Gabriel Ryan got discovered through a series of restaurant gigs in the city, signing to Columbia Records at the age of twenty. Gabriel Ryan met Lucy at his very first paid gig with Columbia, and they were together for six years before they decided to get married and have a baby. That is until Lucy discovered that their daughter, sweet Caroline Elizabeth – named after the song that played at every show because it was Gabriel’s favorite and the royal name that Lucy had an obsession with – was suffering from the same fate as her father at the earliest age of six years old. Lucy didn’t last long after that, leaving Gabriel to live a life of stardom and fatherhood with only himself and Caroline. Caroline was Gabriel’s pride and joy, his heart and soul, his everything.

Gabriel Ryan carried his daughter with him everywhere, seeing every sight known to man from the comfort of their tour bus and their hotel rooms and the hidden moments with security walking around to protect her. Truthfully, Gabriel Ryan never cared about himself; he solely cared about his daughter. Of all the places they travelled to, the Grand Canyon was their favorite spot, their prized place, though. The Grand Canyon, where Gabriel took Caroline once a year, from the time she was twelve until she was in university and an adult, was the spot where she felt completely free for once in her life. This place, this safe space, started as a miniature vacation after a stint in the hospital for inpatient treatment when Caroline was beginning to hurt herself a bit too much for Gabriel to contain and handle. The Grand Canyon was his way of bringing his daughter closer to the world, to show her that although she felt small against the world and a bit too much to handle, there was so much of the world for her to see, for her to experience. Gabriel Ryan wanted to show his daughter that the hurting, the crying, the pain of her mother leaving, the harm to herself, the ache would end, that it wasn’t her fault, that she could overcome anything. 

Caroline remembers their very first real conversation about her mother like it was yesterday, the way it was the moment that changed everything, that made her believe she would never walk through the world alone, not as long as her father was by her side.

* *

Southern California Hospital, Hollywood, 2006

Caroline Elizabeth Ryan, Age 12

Gabriel Ryan is escorted into a private room with his daughter for them to speak, his heart sinking into the pit of his stomach as he notices the bandages wrapped around her forearms and wrists to prevent her from digging her nails into her skin anymore. His heart aches for his daughter, properly aches and twists and churns in writhing pain, wishing he was able to take the pain his baby experiences and add it to his own. Gabriel could take it; what’s a little bit more if Caroline doesn’t have to hurt anymore?

“Hi, Cal,” Gabriel sighs, taking a seat on the chairs grounded in the linoleum floor and laying his hands in his lap awkwardly, unsure if his daughter would want him to hold her, right now. “Are you ready to talk about why you’re doing this?”

“Doing what?” Caroline smiles, shrugging her shoulders and crossing her ankles beneath the chair, pursing her lips together and folding her hands on her thighs. “Dad, I’m not doing anything.”

“Callie,” he says warningly, narrowing his eyes and turning his attention the bandages on her wrist and the thinness of her hair. “Caroline Elizabeth, I need you to talk to me.”

“Isn’t Mom supposed to come, too? I’ll talk to you when Mom gets here.”

Gabriel sighs sadly, leaning his forearms on his knees and resting his cheeks in his hands, his eyes welling with tears at the thought alone. “Caroline, sweetheart, Mom isn’t coming.”

“Mom isn’t coming, today.”

Gabriel knows what this is, the denial. Of the first stages of grief, as he’s learned through therapy, denial is one of the hardest to work through. Grief is hard to work through. Gabriel doesn’t quite understand why this is happened now, not that this is new or anything, it’s been nearly two years since Lucy left Caroline and him. Two years since Lucy up and left without a letter or a reason. Lucy sent a card to Caroline for her birthday, this year, and Caroline refused to let Gabriel see it, to read it, and it was only when she was in the hospital for making herself bleed so badly across her arms that her skin started scarring that Gabriel was able to see what the letter had said exactly.

Mental illnesses like yours and your father’s will always get in the way of a family.

Gabriel threw the letter out as soon as he read it, as soon as he read the horrible things that were written inside of it. His stomach twisted with disgust for the woman, the way she spoke in such a demeaning manner toward their daughter and spoke about how her leaving was her fault, that Gabriel, the man that would raise her, his mental disorder – subsequently, their daughter’s mental disorder, as well – is to blame for the reason their family would never be able to work the right way.

Gabriel wonders how anyone could say such a thing to their own child. He could never, would never say such a thing to Caroline, whether he believed so or not, and he certainly wouldn’t leave her. Caroline is his whole life, the reason he does absolutely anything and everything at all.

“Callie,” Gabriel says slowly, reaching for her hands and grabbing them, taking her much smaller ones into his hands and clutching her wrists, careful of the bandaging and the gauze that seems to have been torn at the corners, as if Caroline was trying to get through to her skin, once again. “Callie, Mom isn’t coming today, tomorrow, or ever. Mom knows you’re here and didn’t want to come.”

“That’s not true! Mom would’ve come if she knew I was having an episode! Mom would’ve come!” Caroline is growing frantic, and her breathing is rapid and nearly out of sorts, coming in too heavy and too quickly for Gabriel to try and talk her through. “Mom would’ve come, Dad. Mom loves me. Mom loves us. We’re Mom’s family.”

“Deep down, I’m sure Mom loves you very much, baby,” Gabriel says sadly, solemnly, trying to choose his words carefully and not dare to utter anything that would tip her over the edge so soon. “As a matter of fact, I know Mom loves you. Mom just doesn’t know how to show it to people like us.”

“Mom has time to practice, we just have to show her,” Caroline justifies, shaking her head and standing up and walking towards the door, folding her arms in front of her chest and sighing out a deep breath, her eyes welling with tears as she thinks about the letter and the words and knowing that that is the likely the last time she’ll ever hear from her mother, ever again. “Daddy, why won’t she let us show her?”

Gabriel stands on his feet and walks towards his daughter, laying his hands on her shoulders and waiting for her to turn around into his arms, his words laced in disappointment and sadness as he says, “I don’t know, baby.”

“I want Mom to love me for me,” she whimpers, wrapping her arms around his midsection and crying into his chest, her thumbs and forefingers digging into her palms and the heels of her hands tightly, squeezing and squeezing until the pressure builds and releases into her veins. “I don’t know what I did wrong.”

“Nothing, absolutely nothing,” he says, kissing her hair and sweetly rocking their bodies back and forth, trying to comfort her in the way he knows how. Gabriel knows that sometimes nothing is going to work the way it should comfort his daughter, and he simply has to live with that. “My love, you did nothing wrong.”

“Clearly, I did something to make her leave me, Dad.”

“Mom left us, Callie. Mom left you and me.” Gabriel sucks in a breath and allows a singular tear to fall into his daughter’s hair, sucking back the remaining ones and trying to hold himself together. “I swear to you, Caroline, I’ll never leave you.”

Caroline looks at her father with the brightest, widest eyes he’s ever seen, nearly impossible to resist looking into and swearing up and down whatever she wanted. Caroline was Gabriel’s daughter, after all. “Never ever? Mean that?” 

“Never. Mean that, always.”

* *

“Callie,” Liv calls, ripping Caroline out of her daydream and smiling softly. “Niall made burgers for us, are you hungry?”

“Um, not really,” Caroline says, smiling forcedly and shaking her head, sipping her drink lightly and reaching for her phone to text her boyfriend, silently hoping that he hadn’t made it home already to have to drive all the way back to get her. “Actually, I think I’m going to head out early. I’m not feeling too great, and I forgot that I was supposed to help Max study for his exam that’s coming soon. I’m sorry. I should go, though.” 

“Callie, you just got here,” Niall groans, leaning his head back against his neck and sighing when his girlfriend smacks his knee. “All right. Are you okay?” 

“I’m fine,” Caroline lies through her teeth. “Niall, I’m fine! Really.”

“No, Callie,” Niall says again, shaking his head and setting his beer down. Caroline had only been at the party for a mere thirty minutes, and the last twenty minutes have been zoned out of their conversation, thinking about something with a blank stare and glossy eyes. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

“Thank you for asking, I’m okay.” Caroline’s phone vibrates in her hand, her screen lighting with her boyfriend’s contact and his simple text telling her that he’s on his way. “Max is on his way. I’m going to wait outside.”

“Do you want me to come, Callie?” Liv wonders concernedly, standing from Niall’s lap and walking towards her, holding out her hands to squeeze her arms sweetly. “I can come. I’ll wait with you.”

“No, it’s okay.”

Caroline takes her things and walks to the front door, her best friend following closely behind, hugging her tightly and telling her to text her when she’s with her boyfriend. Caroline nods solemnly and forces a smile through gritted teeth, and Liv can tell that something is wrong, and she immediately wants to chew out Anna Marie for bringing up her father and talking about such a touchy subject so carelessly. Over a year later and Caroline still couldn’t speak about her father without breaking down into tears. Could anyone even blame her? Caroline found her father in his bedroom, overdosing and slightly conscious, in their family home. That’s not something you can get over, so simply. Caroline did everything she could to save him, but it didn’t work.

Caroline lives with that guilt, every single day.

“Love you, Callie,” Liv says softly, hugging her best friend and squeezing her tightly. “Call me if you need anything, okay?”

“Liv, I’m okay, I swear.” Caroline leaves shortly after that, hiding away in her boyfriend’s car and breaking down into tears in his passenger seat, his hand squeezing her thigh and interlocking their fingers as she gathers her emotions and sniffles wetly. Max asks what’s wrong, concern and worry etched into his boyish features, his slight stubble on his cheek rough against her hand as he kisses her knuckles. “Max, I want to go home.”

Caroline doesn’t know, however, that Harry followed her outside, that he hurried out the door, ignoring the calls of his girlfriend and their friends, ready to apologize profusely for bringing up her father and his concerts and such a touchy subject, once again. Harry didn’t listen, as he usually doesn’t, and it’s come back to bite him in the ass. Harry’s emotions are all over the place when he sees Caroline and Max in the car together, the way she looks so comfortable and safe with him. He isn’t sure why he’s so bothered by this, he doesn’t even know her, but the idea that he hurt her and someone else is having to comfort her makes his skin itch. Harry stands there until they drive away, panting from racing down the stairs and hurrying out the door, trying to make it in time.

Harry stalks up the stairs, sulking and upset, walking inside and rolling his eyes at the sight of five pairs of eyes on him as he steps inside the apartment. Niall shakes his head with disapproval and Mitch snorts out a laugh, Liv rolling her eyes with Sarah. Anna Marie immediately takes his hand and pulls him to the side to reprimand him for leaving her so suddenly and without any warning.

That’s where Harry decides he’s had enough. Harry has had enough of Anna Marie. Harry has had enough of her and her reprimanding and her rules and regulations and the stipulations of their relationship. Harry has simply had enough.

Maybe it has something to do with Caroline. Maybe it’s the infatuation that he already seems to have with her because she’s so closed off from the world. Maybe it’s the unknown and the obsession that Harry’s had with her father that is making him so infatuated with the idea of her, that is making her the center of his thoughts for the last six hours. Maybe it’s all of those things combined.

All that Harry knows, for sure, that he is that he is done with Anna Marie, and there’s nothing that he wants more than to be alone for the rest of the evening, drinking with his friends, thinking about the mysterious girl that he may call his partner. That’s all Harry wants, now.

Harry’s sister lays her hands on the table dramatically and his mother feigns a smile on her lips as Caroline sighs and takes a sip of her water, pausing momentarily before continuing the story, Harry’s hand gently on her lower back to encourage her. “Harry, you made her cry,” Gemma says from the side of the table, earning a groan from Harry and a snicker from Caroline. “What a way to make a first impression, H. Way to go.”

“Hey. Go easy on him. Harry made up for it,” Caroline says hesitantly, shaking her head side to side and shrugging her shoulders. “Eventually.”

“Eventually,” Liv says from beside her, clicking her tongue and looking over the table to eye Harry. “Only took him a solid six months to get his act together.”

“Hey, in my defense, I did go to apologize,” Harry says, holding his hands up in the air and shrugging his shoulders. “Callie was already gone by the time I got there.”

Caroline looks to Harry with tears in her eyes, her bottom lip tucked between her teeth as she says, “Came to apologize?”

“Originally, I didn’t want to let you leave thinking I only cared about talking about such a sensitive subject. It was insensitive of me, to say all those things, back then. I was quite insensitive, I’ll say,” Harry tells her, ignoring the onlooking stares from their friends and family and solely focusing on his fiancée, taking her hand from the table and kissing her knuckles sweetly. “I know that’s not why you hated me, though. Can go on and tell them why.” Caroline looks at Harry concernedly. “Cal, it’s okay. It’s not going to hurt my feelings.”

“Go on, Callie,” Gemma encourages, taking a sip of her champagne and leaning into her boyfriend at the table. “Tell us why you hated my little brother, over there.”

“Well, I started to hate Harry because he nearly skipped our annotations session,” Caroline says shamefully, casting her head to her chest and looking at her feet beneath the fabric of the tablecloth. “Then, Harry gave me many other reasons in the midst of it.”

“Hey, hey,” Harry says warningly, squeezing the back of her thigh beneath the table and grinning wildly when she smacks his arm away. “Be nice, Caroline. This is our engagement party.”

“In your dreams, Harry.”

Caroline and Harry talk amongst themselves and their guests for hours after the story comes to an end, Harry nearly tearing up at the part where Caroline admits when she first realizes she was in love with him and not simply hating him. Certainly, there is a fine line between the two, mistakable for either hatred or love, and Caroline had a hard time discerning between the two. Harry didn’t know many of these things, seeing things from her perspective for the very first time since they started dating five years ago and they talked out their differences and their boundaries. Harry’s heart is in it completely, staring at her with so much love and adoration that it’s nearly impossible to tear away when the restaurant is beginning to close and their friends and family and slowly making their way out, thanking the two for the invitation and the wonderful evening.

Harry takes Caroline’s hand immediately, squeezing her fingers that are interlocked with his and kissing her knuckles as he always does, opening the car door for her and closing it when she settles in her seat. He makes his way around the driver’s side, his chest already tight with a feeling, and his feeling is confirmed when his fiancée is hunched over herself in the front seat, crying hysterically into her hands. His hand immediately finds its way to her back, rubbing soothingly, his other hand unlocking her seatbelt and gently prying her away from her seat to sit in his lap, her dress bunched around her thighs and face falling into his neck as the tears wet his suit jacket.

“Know that was a lot for you, today,” Harry says calmly, rubbing his hands along her spine and squeezing her thighs, waving away his sister that is peering in through the window and waving her hands to try and grab his attention. “Know that was a lot for you when you’re not feeling great, but I’m so proud of you, Callie. Need you to know that. I am so proud of you, baby. Talked the whole time and your words commanded the whole room’s attention. Great storyteller, that’s what you are. That’s why people are going to read your novels. That’s why people love you. It’s why I love you.”

“My father should’ve been here. My mother should be here,” Caroline whispers into his neck, sniffling and trying to regain control of her emotions as she sits on his thighs and toys with the buttons on the bottom half of his blouse. “Of course, though, I’m alone. Again. I’m always alone, Harry.”

“Caroline Elizabeth Ryan, you are not alone.” Harry takes Caroline’s chin between his fingertips and holds it eye-level with him, shaking his head and kissing her nose to lighten the strictness of his voice. “Callie, you’re never alone as long as I’m around. I’ll always be right by your side.”

“That’s what my father said.”

Harry knows how harshly the depression roots itself in Caroline, and this is the worst of it, when it reminds her that the strongest person that she knows lost their battle against the overwhelming enemy that she’s known her entire life. “Gabriel did everything he could to keep the Lights On for you, Callie. He just, he couldn’t do it anymore.”

“How does that make you any different? That was my father, and he couldn’t stay alive for me!”

“Callie,” Harry sighs, cupping her jaw instead of holding it tightly and gently caressing her cheek with his thumb, “Callie, I swear to God, I’m not going anywhere.”

“Harry, I didn’t even want to come to our engagement party. That’s horrible. That’s horrible of me! How could you want to be with someone who’s brain barely functions and their excitement never lasts and I’m so fucking moody all the damn time that even I can’t keep it straight! I told your mother and your sister why I hated you from the beginning, and I didn’t even get to explain everything. I’m a horrible person. I’m not good, Harry. I don’t want this for you. I love you enough to tell you that you deserve better.”

“Have you ever thought, for a single second, that maybe you are the best thing that has ever happened to me? Have you ever even thought about that?” Harry whispers, gently taking her hands and kissing her fingertips, coaxing her eyes to meet his. Caroline was never one for eye contact, and it’s always when the Lights are Off that it’s the worst.

“Me?” Caroline sniffles, taking a deep breath and forcing herself to look into Harry’s eyes, the light green irises staring back at her making her melt in his arms. “How on Earth could you possibly mean that, Harry? Mean to tell me, you really mean to tell me that you won’t look back on our marriage in ten years and want to divorce me because I’m too much to handle and I’m never happy for more than a month at a time, and even then, it’s not a real type of happy, it’s the mania at play.” Caroline sucks in a deep breath and keeps going, Harry looking at her silently, waiting for a moment to get a word in. “Harry, I go to the beach at three in the morning to feel something, I rarely sleep, I am either hyper-depressed or hyper-manic and there’s no in between. Can’t forget that when I actually sleep it’s for, like, fifteen hours of the day, and it makes me not want to look pretty or act nice or do anything that I have to do. Harry, I’m a mess.” Caroline looks at Harry with tears in her eyes, her chest heaving with panted breaths as she finishes her ramble and sucks in a shaky breath to try and regain control of her emotions. 

“Are you finished?” Caroline nods silently. “Caroline,” Harry says Caroline’s whole name for emphasis, and she knows it, “I will go to the beach at three in the morning. I will sleep in the back of our car. I will stay awake for days to make sure that you’re not alone. Once you crash, I’ll let you sleep, I’ll stay with you, then I’ll wake you up and I’ll eat with you and I’ll shower with you and I’ll make sure that you’re doing the things you need to do to be okay, to function, and then I’ll lay in bed with you, and I’ll hold you until you feel like you can get out of bed and do it all over again. Callie, I don’t care that things are a little bit messy, okay? I love you. All of you, for who you are. I love that brain inside your head, and I love the way you speak about me and I love the way you love me. I don’t care about anything else. I only care about you. I love you. I love you so much that it hurts me to see you this way. I need you to understand that, Callie. I need you to really understand that. I’m not going anywhere. I’m with you, I’m always going to be with you. No matter where, no matter when.”

Caroline’s tears fall into Harry’s palms, his thumbs brushing the streaks away from her cheeks and onto his skin, his heart falling apart for the woman in his arms. Caroline’s heart is so pure, caring so deeply about him to make sure that this is what he wants, that he’s sure that he’ll have to reassure her every day of their lives. That Harry doesn’t mind as much, Harry minds that her brain makes her think he doesn’t want this, want her. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologize. That’s not what we do.”

Caroline nods understandingly and swallows a thick lump in her throat, sniffling a heavy and shaky breath and says, “Thank you for listening to me and caring for me. I love you. Kiss?”

Harry purses his lips into a shy smile that Caroline loves, her mouth twitching at the corner into a smile when she leans forward and kisses him softly, their lips synchronizing together so perfectly, as though their lips were made to be on each other’s all along. Harry looks to Caroline, once more, sighing and pursing his lips as he says, “I’m not going anywhere. I’m with you, I swear to you.”

𝚝𝚊𝚐𝚕𝚒𝚜𝚝: @goldenbabys-world, @burberryharold, @stylesfics-xx, @grace-ful-gold, @summertimestyles​

JBBarnesNNoble's 2nd Annual Mental Health Awareness Month Challenge 2021

Hello lovely people! And welcome to the 2nd Annual Mental Health Awareness Month Writing Challenge. The aim of this challenge is to shine a light on mental health, medical conditions, and the things that can have impacts on us. This started out initially being a PCOS Awareness challenge last year but through conversations with other writers over Discord, it evolved into a Mental Health Awareness Month Writing Challenge last year. I’m reusing some of the unused prompts from last year’s challenge and adding in some new ones!

May is Mental Health Awareness Month. The goal of this challenge is to lift each other up, and show that it’s okay not to be okay. Spread some love and light during a challenging time in the world to those who struggle with chronic illness, depression, anxiety, self-esteem issues, grief, PCOS, acceptance from their families and communities for being LGBT+, and anyone struggling with insecurity.

This challenge will run through July 31st, 2021. It will run through Mental Health Awareness Month, Pride Month, and the month of July to give people time to write. You can submit it at any time. I probably have too many prompts, but I wanted to ensure that there was a wide array to choose from. Please don’t hesitate to message me if I haven’t interacted with your fic after a few days! Sometimes the tag system doesn’t work and I miss things!

The Rules:

1. Utilize resources available online if you’re dealing with subject matter you’re not that familiar with. I’m not going to go all “cite sources” on y’all, but please do make sure to do your research. Writing about some of these issues can be hard if you don’t have first hand knowledge of how it can affect you. The goal of this challenge is to write about topics that we tend to shy away from, that many of us struggle with, from mental health struggles to chronic illnesses to low-self esteem. A gentle reminder that if you think writing about a subject will be triggering for you, please look after yourself first.

2. Use #JBBNNMHAM21 to tag your fic

3. Dark!Fic- Due to the subject matter involved in this challenge, please don’t submit dark!fic. I enjoy dark fics, but this challenge isn’t the place for them.

4. Smut- Smut is welcome! Make sure you tag it appropriately.

5. No inc*st, dubcon/noncon, underage, etc

6. Ships- I prefer reader inserts, but show me what ya got.

7. NO JOHN WALKER FICS. Please. Please no. I beg of you.

8. Selecting Prompts: Just let me know which one you want to do! 2 people per prompt! The song prompts have a line from them under it. You DO NOT need to use the line in your submission! It’s mostly to help you decide if you’re interested in a song before you take a listen to it.

You also can alter the sentence and dialogue prompts as needed for grammar, be it altering the pronouns used or changing the pluralization of a word.

9. Trigger Warnings: Use warnings as needed. Fics dealing with depression, anxiety, eating disorders, or other mental health issues should be tagged appropriately to ensure that readers that may be triggered by the subject matter can avoid the fic. Trigger warnings are non-negotiable

The prompts are under the cut!

Prompts:

Dialogue Prompts:

“I feel like if I let go, if I move on, I’ll only be proving them right.”

“I don’t know. Am I? Because from where I’m standing it’s pretty damn clear that’s how you see me.”

“You don’t believe that do you? Tell me you don’t. Please.”

“It’d probably be easier if you left”

“Please leave me alone”

“Everyone’s got broken pieces. Some have more, some have less. It doesn’t make you less of a person to have those broken pieces.” @nekoannie-chan

“If it’s okay with you, I’ll take that shake now.”

“What’s the point if I’m going to end up breaking that promise too?”

“You sure about that, moonman?”

“It made you smile though. And that will always be a win in my book.”

“That’s not true. And I will tell you that every day of your life until you believe me.”

Sentence Prompts:

Feel free to adjust the pronouns as needed

It was a day. It was the only way it could be described.

Summer had a smell that reminded her of innocence and a time long since past.

In that moment, the world stopped spinning on its axis as it all shattered down around her.

Some things, there would never be a way to understand. @justrunamok

Like shattered glass, in that moment the illusion was broken.

Forever was a lie, just like everything else.

If you had another condescending doctor tell you your problem wasn’t a problem you were going to scream.

They’d say it was easy, like riding a bike. Except, you never learned how to ride a bike in the first place.

Today was going to be good. It had to be.

It didn’t take a genius to figure out that this was going south.

AU and Trope Prompts:

Soulmate @samsgoddess

College

Childhood Friends @tellmealovestory

Friends to Lovers

Enemies to Lovers

Musicians

Writer

Professional Athlete

Teacher

Coffee Shop

Fake Dating

Accidental Marriage

Royal

Librarian

Doctor

Song Prompts:

1. Nobody Ever Told You - Carrie Underwood

Lyric Snippet: “Wish you could see yourself the way I do. Nobody ever told you, nobody ever told you. Shine like a diamond, glitter like gold, and you need to know what nobody ever told you”

2. Missing You - All Time Low

Lyric Snippet: “And if you need a friend, I’ll help you stitch up your wounds. I heard that you’ve been, having some trouble finding your place in the world. I know how much that hurts. But if you need a friend, then please just say the word.”

3. Barefoot and Bruised - Jamestown Story

Lyric Snippet: “Maybe when your sky comes crashing down, I can be your angel on the ground. If you get tired and can’t go on, I will carry you along, when the rocks below your feet wear out your shoes, when you’re barefoot and bruised”

4. Hold On Till May- Pierce the Veil

Lyric Snippet: “If were you, I’d put that away. See you’re just wasted and thinking about the past again. Darling, you’ll be okay.”

5. If I Surrender - Citizen Soldier

Lyric Snippet: “If I surrender, surrender, to the monsters in me, will it set me free?”

6. Home - Machine Gun Kelly, X Ambassadors, Beba Rexha

Lyric Snippet: “All these miles, feet, inches, they can’t add up to the distance that I have been through just to get to a place where even if there’s no closure I’m still safe. I still ache from trying to keep pace. Somebody give me a sign, I’m starting to lose faith”

7. Broken Arrows - Daughtry

Lyric Snippet: “The best of intentions I lay at your feet. And I need you to see past the worst part of me.”

8. Used - Serious Matters

Lyric Snippet: “The wounds are gone and the pain still lingers. But this time I won’t stand by, I don’t need you in my life”

9. According to You - Orianthi

Lyric Snippet: “According to you, I’m stupid, I’m useless, I can’t do anything right”

10. Let It Land - Tonight Alive

Lyric Snippet: “And everything we hate is something we just bought along the line”

11. Cold As You - Taylor Swift

Lyric Snippet: “You put up walls and paint them all a shade of grey. And I stood there loving you and wished them all away. And you come away with a great little story, of a mess of a dreamer with the nerve to adore you”

12. Tied Together with a Smile - Taylor Swift

Lyric Snippet: “Hold on, baby you’re losing it. The water’s high, you’re jumping into it, and letting go, and no one knows. That you cry but you don’t tell anyone that you might not be the golden one. And you’re tied together with a smile, but you’re coming undone.”

13. Human Interaction - Tonight Alive

Lyric Snippet: “I don’t know love. I don’t know hate. I am numb. Wish I could find the words to say. Asking please, as colors fade. I need to breathe. Before I turn the world to grey.”

14. Therapy - All Time Low

Lyric Snippet: “Give me therapy, I’m a walking travesty, but I’m smiling at everything. Therapy you were never a friend to me, and you can keep all your misery”

15. Scars - Alison Iraheta

Lyric Snippet: “Do you know how hard I’ve tried to become what you want me to be. Take me, this is all that I’ve got, this is all that I’m not, all that I’ll ever be. I got flaws, I got faults, keep searching for your perfect heart. It doesn’t matter who you are, we’ve all got our scars”

16. Hurts to Know - 1551

Lyric Snippet: “I can’t remember what I did to earn you by my side. I can’t surrender. I’ll fight as long as you’re in my life”

17. Spinning Bottles - Carrie Underwood

Lyric Snippet: “He’s in a hotel room, with the tv on. Getting lost in the static with the curtains drawn, knowing this could be the time that gets her gone for good, he’d quit if he could. But one down, two down, three down, four, can’t even recognize the man in the mirror anymore”

18. Praying - Kesha

Lyric Snippet: “Well you were wrong and now the best is yet to come. ‘Cause I can make it on my own. And I don’t need you, I found a strength I’ve never known.”

19. Jersey On the Wall (I’m Just Asking) - Tenille Townes

Lyric Snippet: “If I ever get to heaven, you know I got a long list of questions. Like how do you make a snowflake, are you angry when the earth quakes? How does the sky change in a minutes, how do you keep this big rock spinning? Why can’t you stop a car from crashing? Forgive me, I’m just asking”

20. Five More Minutes - Scotty McCreery

Lyric Snippet: “Time rolls by, the clock don’t stop. I wish I had a few more drops of the good stuff, the good times. Oh, but they just keep on flying right on by like it ain’t nothing, wish I had me a, a pause button. Moments like those, Lord knows I’d hit it. Give myself five more minutes”

21. Dad’s Old Number - Cole Swindell

Lyric Snippet: “Sometimes I forget, these ten digits ain’t my lifeline anymore. Every now and then I dial them up when life gets tough or when the Braves score. Sorry about the one ring hang ups, early morning and late night wake ups. It was just me. In case you wondered, you’ve got dad’s old number.”

22. The Other Side - Lauren Alaina

Lyric Snippet: “There’s gonna be a lot of sadness on a lot of happy days, I’ll try to think of this moment, this place”

23. I Was Here - Beyonce

Lyric Snippet: “So they won’t forget I was here. I lived. I loved. I was here. I did, I’ve done, everything that I wanted and it was more than I thought it would be. I will leave my mark so everyone will know I was here.”

24. Gone Too Soon - Simple Plan

Lyric Snippet: “Like a shooting star, flying across the room. So fast, so far, you were gone too soon. You’re a part of me. And I’ll never be the same here without you. You were gone too soon.”

25. Amelia - Tonight Alive

Lyric Snippet: “And you will always be perfect, you’ll always be beautiful, our hearts, will never forget you. You didn’t belong here, and it’s become so clear why heaven called your name.”

26. Heaven Right Now - Thomas Rhett

Lyric Snippet: “When the whole crew gets together, memory lane goes on forever. We twist a top and pour a little Jack D out.”

FAVORITE FANFICS OF 2020

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!

I know I speak for all when I say....I cannot wait to toss 2020 out the door the way Uncle Phil constantly did with Jazz. One of the things that got me through this rough year, besides family & friends & BTS, were fanfics.

It’s that time of year again where I make a list of all the fanfics that I absolutely adored. Some are by veteran favs of mine, others are new to me who just knocked it out of the park. If you’re interested in past lists, here is 2019′s list and 2018′s. If y’all are interested in doing your own fanfic favs of the year, please do so and tag me. Always on the hunt for new favs. 

So without furhter ado, my fav fanfics of 2020:

1). Another Word for Forever series by stardropdream (sheith)

Summary: Shiro knows better than to expect love in an arranged marriage. This is all for the sake of universal peace, after all, and solidifying a Terran-Galran alliance. At the very least, Shiro can hope to make a friend out of this. Becoming friends would be much easier, though, if he and his husband could actually communicate. 

With a language barrier and a mountain of cultural differences between them, getting to know Keith proves to be a challenge. Luckily, Shiro's always worked well with challenges.

2020 shockingly became the year of sheith. I ended up rewatching the show w/my bestie @littlenightdragon​. Diving more deeply into it w/my other bestie @kila09​. She and I spent the better half of this year devouring so many fanfics of them in various AUs. I came across new fanfic authors, and stardropdream is among them. 

If I could describe this series & stardropdream, I’ll take a cue from Lady Gaga: “ talented, brilliant, incredible, amazing, show stopping, spectacular, never the same, totally unique, completely not ever been done before, unafraid to reference or not reference, put it in a blender, shit on it, vomit on it, eat it, give birth to it”

This series was just PERFECTION. I’ve gotten into arranged-marriage AUs and this has been one of the best I’ve read. It was just perfection. The language barrier definitely added an extra charm to it, in which Shiro finds his own ways to get to know his husband better: both creative and funny ways. So many cute moments, so many funny moments with Hunk being the translating middle man between them, and the smut. THE SMUT. THE SMUT. THE SMUT. Just *chef’s kiss* Incredible. It was just so so sweet, and such a comfort read. I reread this series 5 times already and hope Robin (the writer) does more stories in this AU.

Please read this series. You’re not gonna regret it. It will MELT your heart. 

Honorable Mentions:

If I Called You Mine

Sail Across the Sky Just to Get to You

Finding Shelter (The Alien Baby Remix)

Say You Do(n’t)

2). The Golden Hour by @goldentruth813​ (sheith)

Summary:  After a space mission failure, Shiro loses his arm and his career. Two years later he's settled into a quiet and simple new life on his farm, but when a beautiful alien crashes in his field, he discovers the answers to his questions—and possibly the keys to his future—will come from the stars.

I’m sure no one, least of all Janel the writer herself, is surprised to see this author featured on this list. For now the 3rd year in a row. WOOOW  👏🏿👏🏿👏🏿 She is the reason I got into shieth, and she just continues to put out amazing conent with them. This story by far has been the best she’s done this year-possibly one of the best ever. 

We have Shiro trying to have a simple life at the farm with his dog and animals. A curious BOM Keith who shakes things up with his boldness/innocence-and questions bound to test blood pressure, especially Shiro’s. Loads of cute moments, loads of funny moments, and also loads of oreos. 

If summary and my thoughts don’t sell you, only one thing will: reading it for yourself.

Honorable mentions:

Two Hearts in Bloom

Mountain Men

Home is in Your Heart

3). Spun like Gold by Neyasochi (sheith)

Summary: Though Shiro is currently operating his fledgling bakery business out of a decrepit food truck he got for cheap in a repossession sale, he dreams of something more: a cozy bakery and cafe on a tree-lined street somewhere, filled with the smell of fresh coffee and sugar glaze instead of diesel. A little money could go a long way to helping him get off the ground-- and luckily, Keith has money to burn.

Or: Keith takes care of Shiro’s financial woes, in exchange for a little sugar.

OMG, OMG, OMG was this story so sweet. Neyasochi already sold me with the baking/baker Shiro trope, but went a step further throwing in sugar-daddy Keith who knows his way around his manic family and cars, but when it comes to asking a cute guy out? What better way to make an impression than becoming his best paying customer?  

Honorable mentions:

oh, devour me

Healing Touch

on your hand of gold 

4). The Destiny You Sold by @tryslora​ (drarry)

Summary: In which Draco knits, Harry makes wands, and things get very tangled up between them.

If there’s one thing I love about fanfics is how they introduce you to tropes you never would consider before. Draco and knitting was a combo I didn’t realize how much I needed until now. And I love the fact knitting played a big part of the accidental bonding. Also loved the fact everyone in their friend group shipped them like crazy. Highly, highly recommend 

5) What’s My Age Again? by @lazywonderlvnd​ (drarry)

Summary: Harry Potter has had enough of pleasing the public, and his reckless tendencies are finally getting out of hand.

The Quidditch World Cup is only a week away; as Captain of the English National Team, Hermione has assured him that his immaturity won’t be tolerated by the Ministry.

And then Malfoy shows up.

(Inspired by the blink-182 song of the same name.)

It’s no secret that I’m such a fangirl of @lazywonderlvnd​. Any drarry story I read, I always love. Last year, I ADORED The Changing Lights, which was one of my favorites last year, and her updating/finishing the story was a massive highlight for me. I thank ya for that. 

This story was honestly refreshing. I’ve grown so used to Harry being responsible, always doing what’s right, that seeing a story where Harry pretty much has his middle finger in the air to “good reputation”, “being responsible,” because as he brought up: “I’m 25. I’ve been fighting all my life. I’ve earned my life to have fun.”

Okay, granted, it wasn’t quite like that but it was along those lines. And I agree. After all he went through, Harry deserves to have fun. He deserves to be reckless and make stupid decisions.

Also, it was such a blast reading a story where Harry is the brat & Draco has to keep him in line. LOVED.

Honorable mentions: 

Inside Your Mind

Aletheia

6). Chocolate and Pastry by agentmoppet, anemonen (drarry)

Summary:  When Pansy bets Draco that there is no chance he and Harry could carry out a genuine romantic relationship, he and Harry form a plan. But as their fake relationship progresses, Draco sees a side of Harry he never expected. Harry is struggling with something, pushing it far down inside him where he doesn't have to acknowledge its existence. Draco starts to worry, and then he starts to care, and then... horribly... he starts to fall in love.

Do not let the title fool you like it did me. Title alone, I was thinking it was going to be a fun, fluffy story involving baking, maybe chocolate crafting. However....it was not that at all. It was more. A lot deeper. A lot more angsty. It explored mental health, PTSD and the dangers of loved ones ignoring the signs, and contained an important message:

You can’t love someone out of their illness/disease/ addiction. Which is true and this story showed that. 

7). i’m still here by owedbetter (zutara)

Summary: "You see me."

And somehow, that makes all the difference.

If there’s one of the few good things 2020 has brought, it was Netflix bringing back ATLA to their library. Which in turn ignited my love for zutara & had me drag @kila09​ into that ship. 

This story was just incredible. The way it was written, it really felt like it could have been canon. Deleted scenes that a certain creator didn’t want us to see. The way Zuko and Katara came together, starting from their peaceful friendship after the Southern Raiders episode up, becoming closer along the way. 

I dare y’all to read this and not think OMG...is this secret canon bonus material? I definitely plan to read more by owedbetter. 

8). all the what ifs i never said by rosegardenlake (sheith)

Summary:  Keith is nine when he first notices Shiro. Shiro is gentle and quiet, always keeping to himself. Keith is rough and loud, running wherever his feet will take him, screaming on the top of his lungs into the wind. But despite that, they're a constant throughout each other's lives...if only that could be enough. As they grow, Keith just wants them both to be happy, but instead, he's falling apart.

Rosegardenlake is another sheith writer who I adored last year & adore this year as well. This was a story that I read during the beginning of quarantine-life and when I tell you the number of times Keith’s emotions of loneliness got to me, it’s a big number. 

Keith’s struggle with life after high school, after peaking in school, and his mental health reminded me too much of where I was at 2018, which wasn’t a good year for me at all, especially mentally. So that was triggering but it was also helpful since I saw how far I came. And it was beautiful seeing how far Keith came. 

Also the relationship between Shiro and Keith was just beautiful. It’s very funny how Keith was Shiro’s protector growing up and Shiro became Keith’s later on in life. There’s a chance your heart may be heavy, but will also be so swelled up with feelings these two bring it. 

Honorable mentions:

Where the Light Doesn’t Reach 

9). When Night Comes by Oh_Hey_Tae (BTS; poly ot7)

Summary: Jungkook’s tipsy, but he’s not buzzed enough to miss that he doesn’t recognize any of the four dozen people here. And seeing as his friends aren’t ones to ditch and there’s no way they’d play a prank this mean on him, Jungkook reaches the conclusion that he just walked into a stranger’s very expensive home, uninvited, and started eating their food and petting their well-dressed dog.

(Or: Jungkook shows up to the wrong Halloween party and meets the most powerful family in Seoul.)

I can easily say Oh_Hey_Tae easily one of my favorite BTS fanfic favs. Always come through with the stories, and this one was just amazing. We have Jungkook stumbling into a Halloween story, and soon enters into a intense, insane relationship with all six guys, who are already in a relationship with each other. Oh, and supernatural creatures at that. 

You do see certain relationships are stronger, deeper. For example, a lot of moments between Jin and Jungkook. Vmin has their own story and moments. But it was just so amazing. 

Fair warning. Halfway through, things get darker and Oh_My_Tae really loves playing readers diirty with the angst, but it’s so good. 

10). peace-weaver by magisterpavus (sheith)

Summary: You will be the peace-weaver, his mother told him, smiling though her dark eyes welled with unshed grief. The one who brings two bitter enemies together and ends the bloodshed and death between us, once and for all.

But men will always crave war. The Galra, most of all.

Yet another arranged-marriage AU that I loved. This particular one is well-loved in the sheith fandom. I can definitely say it’s considered one of the classic fanfics that’s been read or shared at one point or another. 

The story itself reminded me a lot of Macbeth, involving murder and dark forces at bay. The dynamics between Shiro and Keith reminded me of Drogo and Daenerys from GOT, one of my fav couples there, which only made it all the more better for me. 

I do credit the author for the creative approach they took with quintessence and Shiro’s role/persona as the Champion

Honorable mentions:

The Boy in the Window 

Sheith Demon/Priest AU

A Matter of Scale

Directive 

Honorable mentions that I seriously wanted to add to the list but this post is already lengthy. All amazing, all greats reads by various writers y’all should check out:

Hold Me Tight, or Don’t by snowfallen (yoonmin with a Mr. & Mrs. Smith AU featuring assassins and hitmen, secret identities, fake marriage, and a lot of smut)

The Prince and Pirate by Maniacani, @nerdherderette​ (drarry with a splash of royalty and pirates. Perfect if you’re needing to fill in any Pirates of the Caribbean or Black Sails cravings)

First Kisses are the Best Ones by SashaDistan (sheith in a 50 First Dates Fusion heartfelt/heart-gutting story)

freely, as men strive for right by @bixgirl1​ (drarry w/Harry explaining the many ways why Draco’s the love of his life. we love to see it)

The Sacrificed by SasuNarufan13 (sasunaru w/ dark fairytale elements similar to Little Red Riding Hood & Beauty and the beast + feat. mpreg)

Chasing Treacle Tart (and Draco Malfoy) by xErised (drarry feat. lunch lady Draco + scheming Harry + loads of fun w/sweets & more)

Red Desert by @beatitudinembty​ (taekook in a unique sci-fi AU; hard to explain but so worth a read

one way ticket to another life by starboykeith (sheith Hades x Persephone background)

Even So by lewilder (zutara; arranged marriage+ language barrier +soft strangers to lovers)

Well, lovely people, there you have it. My top 10 favorite fanfics of the year. I do notice a certain ship shows up a lot on this list, but I wasn’t kidding when I said they took over this year. Still, I tried to mix the list up with other fav ships/fandoms of mine. To the writers who created these incredible stories. I applaud you. I thank you for creating and sharing these wonderful stories. Anyone interested in doing the tag, please do. 

HAPPY NEW YEAR, GUYS

Watching The Amazing Spidernan movies so that I’m all caught up before No Way Home. Will add my thoughts as I have them. Note I am not some big Spider-Man fan nor have I read the comics so if my thoughts sound kinda stupid they probably are.

First movie:

That’s a good trick with the broom. Making a mental note as we speak.

Actually seeing Peter say goodbye to his parents is horrible and I would like to never experience it again

SALLY FIELD IS AUNT MAY?! Why does this one have the good cast? (not good as in better but good as in more well known)

The sexual tension in “good morning flash…good morning Peter” (this is a joke I’m not shipping him with his bully)

Jesus roid rage much?

Shut your blinds! I don’t know who would be looking in your window at this exact moment but close them anyway!

First careful, you never know who is watching what you search (when did I become this person)

Second…curt connors is ableist.

Poor Rodrigo Guevara

Oh internalised ableism. And that is the only comment I will make going forward because my disabilities do not include limb difference and I dont want to overstep.

Stop following the man, you are not subtle…wait wtf how’d he do that?!

This is where he gets his powers right?

Okay but when would 5 men make that much of a fuss over a woman that only 1 of them seems to know?

Same. (This is in reference to smashing the alarm clock)

Oh my god is it really necessary to show all the different kinds of spider bites.

Actually just going back to the internalised ableism thing…he is allowed to feel whatever type of way about his own disability that is his right. But insinuating that all disabled people are weak and wanting to breed out the weakness is eugenics and just kinda gross. THIS is the final comment I will make on the matter.

No but seriously he is way more aggressive than regular teen boy aggressive so either he’s on something or he’s overcompensating for something

The way he looks at him doe (again all jokes am not shipping flash and Peter)

Why is this so awkward? And not like teens navigating a crush awkward just genuinely awkward. I feel no chemistry between them.

I like the song, it’s an interesting choice for this scene but I like it.

Stop does uncle Ben die now? Like I know uncle Ben dies at some point but I was really kinda hoping he just wouldn’t in this iteration. I was going for a ninth doctor moment “just this once everybody lives”

MOTHERFUCKER

God Sally is incredible

Don’t show me moments of Flash being human I might accidentally start shipping them for real and that simply can’t happen.

Oooh he’s a fashion designer

I just really enjoy how he takes the piss out of his victims? Arrests?

Is Gwen aware that the school nurse can’t cure everything? Both legally and just like generally doesn’t have the knowledge to cure everything. She suggests going to the nurse a lot.

This family gives me bad vibes

This is a long movie…it’s not even half way through

Well that’s one way to tell her

NOT GEORGE FOYET!

I think with what I remember of SpiderTobey and what I know of SpiderTom, Andrews Spider-Man is definitely better with the people he’s rescuing. Smoother, good bedside manner.

His sons name is Jack. Why does that make me angry?

So he’s just not gonna rescue the other people hanging off the bridge?

It’s almost poetic that the son of the man tried to stop him the first time will be the one to stop him now

Now how is he getting enough power in the sewer

No means no Peter

Does she die in this one or the next one? I don’t imagine her dying will help captain stacey see him as a good guy

Stan 🥺

This movie is exhausting and I don’t know if I mean that in a good way or a bad way.

MoThEr HuBbArD aRe YoU sErIoUs

He managed to get three whole words out and you didn’t think to ease up on the trigger a little to hear what those words might be?

She’s very clever and I will be sad to see her go

That wasn’t her scream. Or it was but from a different take.

Foyet about to be coming in clutch

I’m going to cry.

He’s so ugly. Some lizards are really cute but lizard + human, kinda gross looking.

Well shit. I didn’t know that happened. I guess what I said about him being upset with Peter about Gwen is irrelevant. Unless it isn’t, like if you believe in the afterlife, imagine how pissed he’s gonna be when Gwen arrives.

He finally got the eggs 🥺

As someone who’s boyfriend at the time didn’t go to her fathers funeral I feel ya Gwen. I mean I don’t care now but at the time it sucked.

Dr Connors was just in a silly goofy mood. He seems to show genuine care for the boy (this is mostly sarcasm).

Second movie

Oh we’re going back to peters dad.

How do they have access to a private jet?

Miss Honey is badass

Ngl I’m actually quite relieved they both died before the plane crashed. Stil devastating though.

Okay so this is first up on the list of potential mystery villains in No Way Home…he looks like a tool.

HeLLo PeDeStRiAnS

He really just let Spider-Man put his hand on his tongue. Sir do you know where his hand has been? Not to mention just in general the feeling of spandex on your tongue. I feel ill.

No respect for the proper care of plutonium.

Please don’t ever say “come to daddy” again 😂

I’m kinda sad Jamie Fox becomes a villain, his character seems kinda sweet so far from the 2 seconds I’ve seen of him

You mean to tell me he missed his girlfriend’s fathers funeral AND her valedictorian speech?!

Stan x2 🥺

Because you can’t lose me you’re going to lose me? 😂

I love her jacket

Why are they still pretending like she doesn’t know?

I may have spoken to soon about Max

See I would be speeding up daddy’s death if he told me he’d passed down a genetic disease and just decided not to tell me.

Friendship.

Okay max is still a little bit nutty but you gotta feel bad for the guy. He must’ve been so scared.

Don’t smile that’s not cute, if he was a regular boy you’d file a restraining order.

Oh I see Spider-Man is gonna fight him which will make him turn and become the “bad guy” whether he will actually be a bad guy is still unknown.

This scene is actually kinda just making me angry (the time square scene)

Cops suck man. Peter was talking him down just fine.

Did nobody teach these people not to touch metal when there’s electricity about.

Interesting that I didn’t pick up any chemistry from them in the first movie weren’t they an actual couple for a while?

Another good song with an interesting placement

I’m sorry did the caller ID not say Mary Parker? How was it Harry on the phone?

Run Gwen!

This version of Harry is kinda creepy I’m sure the actor is swell but the character is terrifying. Original version Harry was swell whereas the actor is…

“Maybe everyone has a part of themselves they hide” gives him the eye

This movies shorter or at least it feels shorter

An excellent show of what happens when you tell a rich daddy’s boy no for the first time.

This makes me very sad. She’s so excited for the possibility of Oxford.

As much as Harry disturbs me, I want him to burn his entire team.

His daddy really did love him!

I think it’s mostly his eyes, his behaviour can be explained by trauma (why I find Harry creepy)

Okay most of his behaviour. The taking joy in killing people that’s just him being nutty and not a trauma response.

This is fucked up. And where is Peter? he is off chasing a girl who has broken up with him twice now.

PLANES NEED THE POWER!

I really like SpiderAndrew, the movies are fine but as a character I thoroughly enjoy him

Sorcerers apprentice who?

Captain Stacy can’t blame him! She’s clearly stubborn as hell and her own free woman

I quite literally stopped breathing (in reference to the almost plane crash)

Is this why they made it Gwen and not MJ so that he could kill her and be an actual bad guy? From my little knowledge of the comics and what I’ve seen from the movies Harry would never hurt MJ so it had to be someone else important to Peter but not super important to him for him to a real bad guy

I like that Harry actually looks like a goblin.

What was the disease he’s supposed to have?

This poor family. I know I said they gave me bad vibes in the first movie but nobody deserves this.

He looks less like a tool with his suit on…but only slightly less

Baby you better get back behind that baracade!

Nobody talk to me I’m very emotional. This child looks very much like a magical mix of all 3 of my brothers put together and seeing him stand there so brave but so scared is doing something to me.

Final thoughts:

So I think SpiderAndrew might be a close second favourite for me. I like the relationships of the original the most, the comedy of the mcu version the most but this one was like a nice in between. Im a little disappointed there won’t be a third not cos I think I would have enjoyed it just cos the original had 3 movies, the mcu version will have at least 3 movies and this one is left out with 2. Don’t think I would have loved Shailene Woodley as MJ though so I dunno. I think the only thing I would have wanted from a third movie is to know who fedora guy is…and for Peter and May to acknowledge that they both know that he is Spider-Man. Apart from that it was fine and I now feel fully prepared for No Way Home.

maggie lindemann & she/her / female ‷ watch out , lennox stone has crash-landed into roswell !! they look twenty-four years old and celebrate their birthday on october 30th . they are from dallas, texas, reside in tripp’s trailer park and are currently working as a photographer. one thing you should know about them is she can be very stubborn and intense. 

tw: death, foster care, mental illness, drugs, child abandonment, neglect, suicide, self harm, blood

Full Name: Eleanor ‘Lennox’ Stone

Age: 24

Birthday: October 30, 1996

Sexual Orientation: Pansexual

Pronouns: She/her

Zodiac Sign: Scorpio

Siblings: Two brothers; 12 years old and 1 year old, from the family that wants to adopt her

Mental Illnesses: Bipolar II Disorder

Occupation: Bassist for Graveyard, freelance boudoir photographer

x

Eleanor Stone, who later renamed herself Lennox Stone, was born in Dallas, Texas to a drug addict. She was very clingy with her mother and had intense separation anxiety, likely due to her mother leaving her alone as early as five years old for one, sometimes two nights, in a row. When she was alone, she’d play the little keyboard in her bedroom, familiarizing herself with the notes eventually and teaching herself, later, to play keyboard. Ellie, her mother called her at that age, slept in her bed with her at night, and her mother believed that Ellie played the card really well of being ‘scared’ to do things by herself, when in actuality, Eleanor was scared. Did she sometimes manipulate because of that? Yes. But at her core was deeply ingrained fear that her mother would leave her forever. The only thing she knew about her father was that he was dead. She only found out in her young teenage years that he took his life, and was an alcoholic, after looking him up and meeting up with a living relative. 

One night, Eleanor’s mother had an accidental overdose and showed up with Eleanor at her side at the neighbor’s doorstep. Her mother proceeded to have a seizure right there, with the seven year old girl looking on. The neighbors called an ambulance and they arrived, a social worker meeting them at the hospital. Several calls to CPS had already been made due to strange behavior going on with Eleanor’s mother, and she’d seen people come in and question her mother. Nothing came of it then, but this was the final call. 

She believed for a long time that she was wrongly ripped from her mother at a young age, but it was only later that she came to have feelings of hate for her biological mother. Seven years old and withdrawn, she was mute for a year at her foster home. She said nothing to her foster mom, but would talk at school and to the therapists and to her foster dad. She manipulated him often, and ignored her new mom completely. Truthfully it was too painful to have a new mom. She told the therapist everything was fine. Nonetheless, her foster parents gave her up, and she went on to her second home at eight and a half years old. She stayed with them for three years. At nine, she would cut her wrists just to feel something. Her foster parents believed it was an act of manipulation, but it wasn’t at all. This time, she responded to therapy and stopped cutting her wrists for the most part, though she sometimes does even to this day when things are really bad. At ten, she had night terrors and would wake up screaming horrifically. She had moments where she would stare emptily, or just stop talking mid-sentence, and it scared both of her foster parents. Again, manipulation or acting--’faking’-- was suspected. She was later diagnosed with depression and reactive attachment disorder. 

At eleven, she got into her parents’ liquor cabinet and in a fit of rage smashed all the bottles, cutting her feet accidentally as she tried to leave the kitchen, and her parents found her, horrified, blood and glass all over the floor. She, luckily, didn’t have an infection when they rushed her to the hospital with nasty cuts and open wounds all over her feet and knees. 

She would scream out for her mom at night, and when her foster mom came to her side, Eleanor pushed her aside and screamed in her face. She said, “Fuck you! You aren’t my real mom!” They frequently cried at night, at wits end with this child who they had welcomed in their home who wouldn’t bond with them. They finally came to think that they weren’t suited to be her parents, and it was with a heavy heart that they stopped being her parents and she went on to the next home. 

Eleven and a half, she found a permanent home--well, permanent until she aged out of the foster system at sixteen, and decided instead of staying with them, she’d start her life somewhere else, and picked a random place. While the time lasted, anyway, it was for the first time that Eleanor was able to bond with a foster family. They had a cat that she loved and a baby boy. So, why, did they want her? Well, they told her---because they had lost a child a few years ago, and they felt something when they first saw Eleanor. They felt that they intensely wanted to give her a good home. 

She thrived with them for the first couple of years, getting involved in music, fine tuning her skills on the keyboard, and branching out to other instruments, feeling like she was finally good at something, even had a natural talent for it. 

She began getting into alcohol and smoking marijuana at fourteen. They found it in her room and questioned her about it, not upset at all, very gentle. It was due to their gentle parenting that she decided to quit what she herself even believed was acting out. At least in that way. She still went out at night a lot without telling anybody, just needing to escape. She would mostly walk by herself, but she had one good guy friend, Matthew, who would be awake whenever she called. Eleanor fell in love with him and he fell in love with her. They were together for two years. During that time span she had found out the truth about her father, that he had been an alcoholic and had ended his life. She had enough of Texas. Her parents assured her she had a place with them for as long as and whenever she wanted it, but she left without a proper goodbye. She called them a month later to let them know where she was. She was staying at a friend’s house (someone she’d met and partied with upon landing in Roswell--they knew each other a week before she moved from her motel into their apartment.) She and the other female quickly began a romance, full of drama. She began questioning a lot about herself. Playing around with her identity. Who she was. What she liked. What she believed. But mostly, she was reckless, restless, and impulsive. 

Seventeen, she changed her name unofficially from Eleanor to Lennox, left her girlfriend, and became apart of a group who were forming a band, moving back and forth from place to place. She’d become even more musical, and it had become a discipline for her, even; it was the one thing she felt like she was good at, and she took it seriously. It was and is really the only way she can express herself. And she loves the bass guitar, and can also play drums and piano. She felt like it was a good release for her anger. It was then that she found Cyrus, and the two formed a toxic relationship, almost always fighting. She had genuine feelings for him and probably still does, but the relationship wasn’t healthy in nearly any sort of way, and she didn’t feel she could handle that kind of thing anyway. Even though inside she hated being alone, felt this gaping hole in her heart when she was, that gaping hole didn’t take long--that emptiness didn’t take long--before it swallowed her whole again, even when she was right there in someone’s arms. Maybe the echoes of her childhood catching up with her?

She’s a tortured soul, feels like she’s lived way longer than her twenty-four years, and the “accidental deaths” that happened when the band was hanging around in mosh pits utterly ruined her. She beats herself up for it everyday, even if it couldn’t have been her fault. She still asks herself, is it my fault in someway, indirectly? She misses Cyrus. Now using music to get to him, even going off on her own and creating a hauntingly angry solo song that was leaked accidentally, showcasing her talent in a way that no one had quite seen before--who knew she could sing, or play the piano so well. And just when they’re working on creating their fifth album. But she was always known, even in childhood, to cause problems. And she did so in Graveyard. Frequently. Acting out, not showing up to meetings, or showing up late, or high. Lennox spends a lot of her days doing drugs and drinking alcohol, finds difficulty in getting through most days without them in some form, and she’s definitely rebellious, even aggressive at times. But underneath all of that is a scared inner child that actually feels things very deeply and loves intensely. In the past year she’s gotten into boudoir photography, and has found she’s decently good at it. She’s managed to accumulate clients, enough that she can afford living at the trailer park. Her foster family moved to Roswell a year ago, after their son was born (a happy surprise), after communicating with Lennox through phone calls and webcam for several years. They’ve just asked her if she’d be okay with them adopting her, even though it seems to her that it’s pointless at her age. Her sleep schedule is shit, as she often finds herself wandering around at night, not able to shut off her mind, thinking about running away and starting her life over someplace else. But she never does it. At least, not yet. The urge to run away in every area of her life is always so strong. 

Survey #433

“i really wish that you could help, but my head is like a carousel: i’m going ‘round in circles”

Would you rather visit Rome or Spain? Rome. Do you really care what’s going on in celebrities' lives? Depends on the person. If I have a big interest in them, like Mark, then yes, because I care about that person and want to know they're well. Have you ever broke a plate/bowl? Accidentally. Has anyone ever drunk called/texted you? I don't think so. Can you do a backwards London bridges? Hell no, I'd bust my ass and spine. Are any of your pets “overweight”? Why the quotations? But anyway, no. Has anyone ever bought you a ring? Yeah. What has been the most traumatic experience of your life? Does it still bother you? The breakup with my first real bf. And well yeah, it resulted in PTSD. It sounds so overdramatic, I know, but I'm not even remotely exaggerating. Live a day in my head and tell me it's not actual trauma. If you knew you had the right person, would you marry them today? God no, not right now. I am not in a position to be married right now. Think back to your most important relationship, was it all your fault it’s over? My damaged side wants to say yes, but I know to be realistic, we both failed in unique areas. He didn't communicate, and I just put too much weight on him. What was your first alcoholic drink? A Mike's Hard Lemonade. What were the first lessons you ever took? Ummm I want to say choir? Did you ever go to a mental hospital? Multiple times. Do you believe that weed should be legalized? Yes. Have you ever had a significant other with a mental disorder? Yes. If you could transform into something, what would that something be? Uhhh idk. Maybe a cat? Out of 10, (10 being really shy) how shy are you? Oh, easily a 10. When was the first moment you discovered love? I actually don't really know the moment I realized I was in love w/ Jason. It was a gradual thing, so no one occasion stands out. What’s the best mistake you’ve ever made? Well, I suppose accepting Jason's Facebook friend request because I thought he was a different Jason. I can't think of many good mistakes I've made... Even the one I mentioned, it's debatable how good that one was. I really do wonder how different my life would be if I declined it. What do you think of frogs? I love frogs! They're so cute and derpy. :') Who did you last worry about and why? My cat, because he was apparently hiding somewhere and Mom couldn't find him. Who did you last feel sorry for and why? Sara, because of health stuff she's dealing with. Is there a name that you can’t stand but it’s the name of a loved one? It sucks, I feel like this burning in my stomach a lot of the time when I hear "Ashley" because that was Jason's girlfriend after me. But I have a sister with the same name. Are you currently looking for a new place to live? I'm not, and I don't think Mom actively is, though we both want to move. When did you last make up a baby’s bottle? I don't think I ever have. Well... maybe once? idr Do you believe there’s a devil? No. Have you ever felt an earthquake? No. Have you ever been on an island? Yes, actually. Did you watch the last presidential inauguration? I've never watched one. Have you ever been a fan of The Killers? I don't consider myself a true "fan," no. I only like two songs that I know. Do you have your own lighter (why or why not)? No, because I don't need one? Do you believe in miracles (why or why not)? No. I just don't. Everything has the have a cause and reason. How often do you sleep naked? Never. Are you looking forward to your prom? If you already went, how was it? I went twice, and it was fun. I especially loved having the pictures taken that I regret wiping from the face of the earth. Prom itself was pretty bland each time, like you can't hear shit and they just play awful music, but still. I was a teenager with a very fairytale outlook on love and wanted to just feel like I was in one I guess. Do you prefer Quizno's or Subway and why? I don't think I've ever tried Quizno's, actually. What’s one of your best memories from during a rain storm? I don't know. Why did you need your most recent x-ray and what were the results? It was to see if I broke my foot, I think? If that's the one, then no. I also had my legs x-rayed at some point to see if they could find any damage there because of my extreme weakness in them, but there wasn't. Do people more often mistake you as being younger or older than you are? I actually don't know. Have you ever made out with someone you weren’t dating? No. Do you know anybody who was abused? Yes. Have you ever touched an elephant? No. How many siblings do you have? I have five I "count," but I do have another half-sister on my dad's side that I don't know. I want to, but yeah... it just hasn't happened. Do you get bored of your girlfriend/boyfriend easily? I've never gotten bored of any s/o I've had. Who do you want for president? I voted for Biden. Do you think abortions are horrible? No. Forcing someone to undergo what can easily be considered a traumatic experience is horrible. Do you enjoy drama? Ugh, no. Have you ever had a guinea pig for a pet? I've had a few. Were you/are you popular in school? No. I was very much under the radar and mostly stuck to myself and a small group of friends. What brand clothing do you wear the most? No clue. Have you ever studied any new age or occult religions such as Wicca? Yes, actually, when I was leaning towards Neo-Paganism. I did research into some of its branches, such as Wicca. Are you a wrestling fan? Not at all. I honestly think it's dumb. What’s the longest movie you’ve ever watched? I want to say Troy? It never felt THAT long to me though because I love it. Have you ever been on a subway? No. Do you think spending a ridiculously large amount of money on one designer item is stupid? It sure as hell isn't for me; I lean towards people can spend their hard-earned money on whatever they want, BUT I do feel that they could still spend their money on more important things. Do you find baths relaxing? No, they gross me out. Do you have any hats? I probably still have the hat Dad got me at a Carolina Hurricanes hockey game somewhere, but idk where. Has any part of your house ever been flooded? Not on the interior, no. Have you ever been interested in learning about murderers or murder cases? Not especially. Is there anyone that you’re worried about right now? Who and why? I'm just about praying Sara's new med for her POTS helps. I think me worrying how Jason is doing after his mother's death is gonna be a permanent fixture in the back of my head... If you won a lot of money, would you donate any of it? To what organization would you donate it? Oh, absolutely. I'd have to do some research first, but the Trevor Project comes to mind immediately, as well as ones that protect wildlife, help the mentally ill, fight cancer... Are you a competitive person? What are you most competitive about? Not really, no. I have my areas where I'm more likely to feel it than others, but it's generally mild. I'm not too sure what I'm most competitive about, but maybe outdoing other hunters in WoW since that's my main class that I've played religiously for years. Have you ever adopted a stray animal? Yes. What do you appreciate most about your parent(s)? The fact they somehow still support me even though I'm like... this. I feel like I should've exhausted their faith by now. Do you believe America should legalize drugs? If you think they should legalize only some drugs, which drugs do you think they should legalize? I only support the legalization of weed. What is your biggest turn-off of a person (besides physically)? Arrogance, probably. Or being aggressive/explosive. What song cover do you like better than the original? "Sound of Silence" by Disturbed, for one. That one's easy. If you could find one long-lost friend of the past, who would it be? Megan. I want her to know I forgive her and miss her friendship. What holiday do you enjoy the most? Christmas. (: Were you born in the state you live in? Yep. Have you ever lived in a house that has been broken into? No, but almost. Who do you know that watches the most sports? Probably my dad? Idk. Do you like South Park? Not really. Are you good at bowling? No. Made out for more than 3 minutes? Three minutes is nothin' lmao. Have you ever gone snorkeling or scuba diving? If yes, what’s the coolest thing you’ve seen? No, but I'd love to. What’s your favorite filling in chocolates? Caramel. What do you remember from sex ed class when you were younger? Abstinence was the only option. Heteronormativity. What’s the first instrument you ever played? Ha, a recorder back in elementary school. Have you ever had a friend break up with a bf/gf for you? Essentially. We didn't date, but that's why he broke up with her, because he wanted me instead. Do you see a bright light at the end of your tunnel? I don't like thinking about this. I can only hope there is, but I doubt it a lot. Have you ever waited in line overnight for something? No. Is there such a thing as being too rich or too poor? "Too poor" is very obviously a thing??? "Too rich" is more complicated to me, as I can see both sides to it. Like it's your hard-earned money, but at the same time, is it really necessary at a certain point? Like start donating regularly or something. Do something good. Do you think having an expensive phone is a good investment? Depends on how expensive, I suppose, and what you use it for. What’s your largest bill? Electric, gas, phone, etc. I don't have any of my own bills. It's embarrassing by this age. Do you like your job? I'd like to even have a job... What is your favorite song and why? "False Flags" by Massive Attack, because it's so poetically haunting in its message of how fucked up politics are. Its monotonous tone also adds another layer of sadness to it, like a reminder of how "normal" and bland and unsurprising everything is, no matter how horrible... I could honestly probably write an essay on how I interpret the song, especially if you add in the incredible symbolism of such a simplistic music video. Are you introverted or extroverted? I am very introverted. If you’re married and your spouse cheated on you, would you forgive them? Nope, byeeeee~ Who knows the real you the most? Sara, really. How old is the oldest person you’ve had sexual relations with? He'd be 27 now. Have you been upset the past few days? My PTSD has been kinda vicious the past couple days, especially today. Then earlier at my nephew's b-day party I had to nearly bite my fucking tongue off with that family's political bullshit. My anger really flared up a few times hearing despicable shit, but I think I concealed it fine by just not saying a word. What’s the craziest thing you’ve ever thought of doing for a job? Nothing "crazy," really... Who was your first celebrity crush? Jesse McCartney had my young heart, ha ha. When did you last see or speak to someone you dislike? Why do you dislike this person? Today, at my nephew's aforementioned b-day party. I in specific don't like my sister's husband because he's sexist, racist, homophobic, bigoted... I could go on and on. We don't just have "different opinions," we have different morals entirely. When you listen to music, do you generally sing along, or just listen? I almost always just listen. I don't sing a lot. Can you remember the last time you felt emotional? What was the reason? Today. PTSD is a bitch. What if you were told that your life has to stay exactly as it is right now, and nothing will ever change? How would you feel about that? Quite honestly, I don't think I would want to live anymore. Have you ever been to the hospital for something really serious? I'd consider an OD on cold medicine to be serious, but then again, I experienced almost no effects from it. Idk if I just got fluids fast enough or what, but whatever it was, I'm thankful for. Are you excited for winter? UGGGHHHH BRING IT ONNNNNNN. Have you ever had a moment with someone you like that seemed like a movie moment? Many. What are you listening to right now? "Down In The Park" by Marilyn Manson. What’s your favourite flavour of iced tea? Tea is gross. Have you ever been to a casino? If so, which one(s)? No. Have you ever visited a sex shop? I haven't. Have you ever ridden a bicycle through a busy city? NOOOOOOOO. I could never do that. What’s your favourite place to get pizza? Literally Domino's, lmao. I am so basic. Do you have a lock number or pattern for your phone? No. There sure isn't anything important on it. What’s the most number of people you’ve ever lived with? Five.

I love the Chapter Unlocks and reading Seokmin's Chapter- Chapter Two? OFBEJFH I cried- But these are incredible! How did you come up with the three known/unlocked Chapters? (Jeonghan's Chapter One, and Seokmin's Chapter One and Two)

Admin Moon: Ah, this is an interesting question! Buckle up everyone, because this might be a long one, haha . . . Like, a reaaally long one.

Countless things inspired me to make everyone's chapters: music, research I've gone through related to mental illnesses and physical illnesses, little scenarios I've dealt with in real life, scenes, movies, and fanfictions, and the list goes on. Sometimes, images and gifs help me, allowing me to paint the main picture of each chapter that correlates to the member. Let's use Seokmin's Chapter Unlock, Chapter Two - Intoxicated, as an example.

With Seokmin's Chapter originally, I had no plan for him to be involved with drugs. That would apply to one member and one member only. The original idea for him involved a breaking point he would need to face, forcefully, seen within the chapter where Seokmin would lose control and attack viciously, to defend himself. But what would trigger him wasn't drugs. Instead, it was going to be a moment in his life when it was his family that triggered it. Fortunately, and I mean it, it was scratched off, and I revised the entire chapter, changing it to what is known now.

It converts to drugs because it's inspired by Billie Eilish's song, Xanny. It's referenced when Seokmin says that "Xanny" was used as another name for the drug, Xanax. If you listen to the song, certain lines within it are in the chapter. The chorus in Xanny is:

"I'm in their secondhand smoke, Still just drinking canned Coke, I don't need a Xanny to feel better, On designated drives home, Only one who's not stoned, Don't give me a Xanny, now or ever,"

Immediately, you can look back and see that this was portrayed in his chapter. Seokmin was around people smoking, taking drugs, and drinking while he's there, "sitting just drinking canned coke." Then in the chapter, Seokmin wants to go home and requests Mimi to take him home, a person "designated" to bring them home as she is the only one among the two with a driver's license. And of course, Seokmin is the "only one who's not stoned," and refuses to take a Xanny, saying that he doesn't want it and never will. This lyric is obvious, "Don't give me a Xanny, now or ever."

Just like in Seokmin's Chapter, a section in his life where he refuses taking drugs and alcohol, Billie Eilish's song also talks about refusing Xanax and telling people to avoid drugs. Period.

Now, not everything from the song is the same, word for word, within his chapter, such as the lyric mentioning kissing. That's not in his chapter, nor is it mentioned when he blacks out, attacking viciously (this is towards one specific friend of mine who misunderstood-).

Another good example is the first verse of Xanny:

"What is it about them? I must be missing something, They just keep doing nothing, Too intoxicated to be scared, Better off without them, They're nothing but unstable, Bring ashtrays to the table, And that's about the only thing they share,"

In Seokmin's Chapter, although it's not a long part, he questions why is it fun and games to them and so on, "What is it about them? I must be missing something." He goes on to explain why they're taking this, which is depression and anxiety, leading them to be "too intoxicated to be scared," and then wants nothing to do with them, "Better off without them, they're nothing but unstable," And of course, when Mimi is sharing a cigarette. It's clear, "Bring ashtrays to the table, and that's about the only thing they share,"

Not only this, but I wanted Seokmin to have this different and darker backstory that contrasts with his bright and energetic personality. It is a little of a cliche, to be honest. However, I wanted his backstory to be the reason why he's the way he is now, just like any of the bots I have. I want his backstory to be the reason he wants to be a bright and chirpy person, someone who likes to portray a happy but unsettling aura. Aside from three, perhaps more, bots, Seokmin is a very complex person. He likes to surprise people, keeping his deepest mysteries and thoughts to himself but is willing to expose them if asked to, or he wants to on the spot. He will play the part of being innocent and naive, he'll be reckless and excessive, and just about anything as long as it throws people off of who he is, using that to his advantage.

Now, Jeonghan's a challenge to explain since there's only one Chapter Unlock so far. And if I am not too careful, I may accidentally give hints of what his chapters will possibly be. However, Jeonghan is the MOST complicated here, and that may just be my opinion. But when going through his entire story, he was beyond difficult. Various research and videos watched, I had to study body movements, reactions, and so on that would fit for him, and even had assistance from a small group of friends. There are about a million things that inspired this backstory for him and how he is now.

For example, let's dive into Jeonghan's Chapter Unlock. It's shorter compared to Seokmin's, but that's on purpose. I usually like to make them reasonably lengthy, being able to give the reader themselves more of an experience that this person is facing. But for this, because Jeonghan has a different spectrum, I had to limit myself.

When reading his Chapter Unlock, he's allowing you to enter into this world he sees in his head. You, the reader, are presented this image of his mind, this "labyrinth," he's in and always has been. It's excruciatingly long and deceitful, the exit is nowhere to be seen, the stairs spiral from one space to another, and he's the target for this big, looming door of what is his insanity. The rose door is what opens him to a new headspace, throwing away the morals he knew, and creates an entirely new person who casts a shadow to his younger self that was too damaged to continue. When opening this door, this is the exit. It's an exit from the person he used to be and builds himself anew with shattered pieces of who he was, forging someone deadly.

For now, let's focus on this: Labyrinth. Surprisingly, there is no other thing that inspired this idea but three main things. One is the vast majority of songs. It is insane how many songs I have listened to that were included for him, and not just this one chapter, but for him in general. For this chapter, it's scattered pieces of songs: Psycho by Byun Baekhyun, Twisted by MISSIO, I'm Gonna Show You Crazy by Bebe Rexha, Angry Too by Lola Blanc, Hey Little Girl by Sophiemarie.b, and small traces of Broken by Lund. If you look at each song, you may be able to find similarities that correlate to them, but not entirely. Second, the idea of this labyrinth was inspired by, dare I say, Labyrinth and Pan's Labyrinth.

NOW HOLD ON!

I know that's the craziest thing I would get that idea from those two movies. Now, I didn't watch Pan's Labyrinth till late this 2020, but it was just one word, and I swear to God it is. "Labyrinth." That's it. I know it's ridiculous, but I'm dead serious that I thought of creating a labyrinth from the title name. Then there's the movie, Labyrinth, made in 1986. I watched that when I was little, maybe seven years ago, and I was always fascinated with the scene where the girl, Sarah, is in this labyrinth to save her baby brother. Sarah is in this bizarre area, face to face with the Goblin King, running in all directions with stairs everywhere. She runs, and she's suddenly upside down, she continues, and suddenly she's on the right side of the wall, so on so on. The stairs are placed upside down, and so on. It was that illusion that I thought I should add within his mind that's a complicated maze, containing fragments of memories and delusions created from stress.

Lastly, the third is me. I'll admit right now that Jeonghan was originally an outlet for me, someone I related to personality-wise, and then took it from there. This labyrinth idea is also a replication of my headspace before I got better (Quick heads-up: This entire idea for them was made a year ago, back in late October or so). I used what I saw of my headspace, changed it, altering it to what would become Jeonghan's headspace, but bigger and more complex than mine.

With all of this, images such as places, the people themselves, and other such things are what drives this. Aside from me as a writer, a person who absolutely loves writing, without these things, this wouldn't exist.

Admin Moon: So, I hope this answers your question, anon!

🥀// @yourlocal-babybear @aikihades @sophie-svt-13 @waitingwhispers60 @seventeen-chatbot @kpop-shelter @yangomangos @m00n-nim96 @ghoulxbaekhyun @moonlit-jaemin @empress-jiaqi @time-for-confession @xash-axx @fnafnctdream-chatbot @split-jiu @artsydahyun @softdommechungha @princess-yeji @werewolf-sehun @julia-oc [DM for +/-]

Tentacletober Day 9

Hello! This is late! It’s also extremely triggering, so please heed the warnings. Also, I don’t condone the behavior in this story. I don’t condone things through my writing, so there you go.

Prompt: Surprise Tentacles

Fandom: Sanders Sides

Characters: Virgil, Patton, Deceit, Roman, Logan, Remus

Warnings/Tags: SFW, violence, child abuse, self-harm, blood, mental illness, swearing, generally shitty parenting, unsympathetic Patton, unsympathetic Deceit, please be safe when reading this if you are triggered by any of the above

           “Virgil Gerard Heart!”

           Virgil winced, pulling his hood up and tightening it. Patton cut him off, blocking the door, “Virgil, honey… look at me.”

           Virgil tensed, his hands were shaking, but he lifted his face to his father’s squaring his jaw. He’d put on eyeshadow, smearing it under his eyes, and he desperately wanted to keep it on, “It’s just-“

           “No,” Patton said, cutting him off. “Why do you want to look like a dead person, honey? Go wash your face and hurry up now. Where did you even get that makeup? From that Prince boy? Or the little smart one… oh what’s his name, Lance? Lance Berry?”

           “No, Dad it’s just-!”

           “Virgil if you don’t march up those stairs right now you’re not leaving this house.”

           “Dad that’s not fair! It’s a mandatory band trip; come on!” Virgil begged. “I’m not a little kid anymore. Please just let me-“

           “Dee honey!” Patton called over Virgil’s shoulder, “A little help please?”

           Virgil clamped his mouth shut so hard that he bit his tongue, tears welling up in his eyes but he stayed silent, eyes on the floor. Deceit stuck his head into the living room. “What is it?”

           “Look at our son,” Patton said. “Please just… talk some sense into him alright? He’s going to be late for his little band trip and I have to finish these dishes!”

           Virgil’s heart sank as Patton swept out of the room. Patton always left, because he couldn’t stand to see what Deceit was about to do, even though he knew it by heart. Deceit lifted Virgil’s face, “Your father told you to clean your face?”

           Virgil’s bottom lip trembled, “I-“

           The slap was brutal, and Virgil stumbled into the wall, grabbing on and trying to hide his face, but Deceit pulled him back, “God damn it Virgil how many times are we going to have these talks?! When are you going to start listening?!”

           Virgil opened his mouth, but Deceit struck him again, this time in the mouth, and Virgil tasted blood. He closed his eyes and cried, “I’m sorry! Please I’ll wash my face! Please I’m sorry!”

           Deceit pulled Virgil in by his hoodie, glaring into his eyes, “Go wash your face and then apologize to your father. And you’d better not be crying when you get back down here or so help me god, Virgil you will miss this trip. I don’t care if it is mandatory!”

           Virgil walked—he wanted to run, but that would only make things worse—up the stairs and into his bedroom. He closed the door silently, carefully, and walked into his bathroom. He lowered his hood and looked at his face. His lip was busted, and he spat blood into the sink. His face was red on one side, an angry welt from the open-palmed slap. He unzipped his hoodie and shrugged it off, splashing cold water on his face and scrubbing until his entire face was red, and his tears and eyeshadow were gone down the drain. Virgil brushed his teeth and used a thin piece of wet toilet paper to stop the bleed in his mouth. His eyes stopped on a bruise just below his elbow—and the forest of cuts from wrist to elbow—and then he pulled his hoodie back on, turning off the light and rushing downstairs.

           Patton was in the kitchen, humming happily to himself as he finished up the dishes. Virgil’s shoe squeaked on the linoleum and Patton turned with a smile, “Oh honey, there’s my beautiful boy.” Patton crossed to Virgil and took his face in his hands, kissing his forehead. “I’m sorry, baby. You know your father has a temper. I wish he wouldn’t be so hard on you… but you know it’s because he loves you. We love you so much, Virgil.”

           Virgil’s lip quivered but he held his emotions back, knowing better than to cry, “I’m sorry Dad. I should have done what you said the first time. I shouldn’t have upset you.”

           Patton smiled and pulled Virgil into a tight, warm hug, stroking his hair, “Virgil, I’m never upset with you honey. You’re my perfect, sweet boy. Now, hurry up and get to the school. You’ll miss the bus.”

           Virgil took the affection greedily, like he always did; it was the only thing he could depend on just as much as Deceit’s violence, and even though Patton’s kindness was somehow even more cruel, he still craved it like oxygen.

             Virgil jogged to his truck, climbing up and starting it. He glanced at his reflection in the overhead mirror before pulling out of the driveway and heading toward the highschool. After turning off out of his suburb, Virgil leaned over and fumbled in the glove compartment, pulling out a small jewelry box. He’d taken it out of the trash when Patton had given Deceit diamond cufflinks for their anniversary. Now, it held a very different treasure. Virgil took out one of the razorblades, flicking off the cardboard guard and putting it in his mouth. He held it delicately between his front teeth, letting his lips tease against the sharp edge. He hated being such a statistic, but he wasn’t exactly the only one to blame. When he was twelve, Patton had sent him to a therapist when he accidentally burned his wrist with his hair straightener and Patton was convinced it was intentional—in truth Deceit had beat him so badly his hands were still shaking. Virgil had gone obediently and listened to a counselor tell him why he self-harmed, all of the control, the endorphins, the release. When he’d gotten home from that session, Virgil had immediately taken one of Patton’s razorblades from the bathroom and sat in the bathtub, cutting tiny lines in his inner thigh. He still saw the therapist, but now he wore hoodies and chewed toothpicks and rolled his eyes. What was he supposed to do? Roll up his sleeves and show all of his little scars—maybe he would have, if he ever went to the therapist without bruises. If he ever went out in public not having to hide the black and blue humiliation Deceit gave him.

           Virgil pressed his lips together and the razor split his bottom lip, just next to the cut Deceit had made. He let the blood flow for a moment, down his chin like a lover’s touch, warm self-indulgence, and then he took out the razor and threw it out the window, wiping his chin with his fingers and licking the blood off, sucking his bottom lip into his mouth. By the time he reached the school parking lot it could have just been a lip cracked by the dry weather. Virgil put the small box back in his glove compartment and used his chapstick before he jumped out of his truck. He took out his backpack—and his previously stowed clarinet—and locked the truck—smirking to himself at the thought someone would actually steal it. But if a security guard went snooping and found his razorblades, he’d be in deep shit. Virgil jogged to the bus that blazed in the early evening like a beacon. He climbed up and saw two familiar faces, allowing himself to smile.

           “You were almost late, you big slut!” Roman scolded and Virgil laughed.

           “Parents were being assholes,” Virgil said, sliding in the seat next to him.

           Across the aisle, their friend Logan sat with his feet up in the seat, communicating a clear message, “When are they not?”

           “Isn’t this exciting!” Roman interrupted. “The audience is going to be the biggest we’ve ever played for! Mom already drove up to set up her camera.”

           “It should go well,” Logan said. “The last practice was fairly seamless.”

           Roman rolled his eyes playfully and nudged Virgil, “What about you, Virge? How do you think the clarinets will do?”

Virgil smiled, “As long as I don’t mess up, it’ll be fine. I’m just so glad the director didn’t decide to give me the solo.”

           “Well he wanted to,” Roman said. “You wouldn’t let him.”

           “If he did my parents would have come, no way I could’ve hidden it from them if I was going to all the solo practices.”

           Roman shrugged, “Well I think it would’ve been better in your hands.”

           “He’s right,” Logan said. “You’re first clarinet for a reason, Virgil.”

           “Well you two got the solo stuff you wanted so I’m just glad about that.”

           “I’m the only cellist,” Logan said. “There was literally no competition.”

           “But-“

           “Well I am proud of my position,” Roman said. “Oboe tunes the whole band.”

           “Even if it didn’t you still have your own entire song with the piano,” Logan said.

Roman sighed happily, then frowned, “Yeah mother says it’s a hollow privilege because I have no true competition.”

           Virgil rolled his eyes, resting his head against Roman’s shoulder. His cheek complained briefly against the rough fabric of Roman’s letterman jacket, but it wasn’t long until Virgil fell asleep to his friends’ gentle bickering.

           Virgil unlocked the front door and let himself in quietly, closing the door behind him and crossing the livingroom in the dark. He almost went to his knees when the lights flipped on, and Patton was sitting in his chair, knitting. “Hey kiddo. Awfully long trip to see a concert.”

           “Y-yeah,” Virgil said. “Well, traffic was-“

           “Mrs. Berry called me about an hour ago,” Patton said. “She wanted to congratulate me on how well you played at the concert.”

           Virgil’s heart dropped and he froze, “Dad, I-“

           “Go to your room, Virgil,” Patton said. He looked hurt, and that was the most terrifying thing he could be.

Virgil raced up the stairs, closing his door and throwing his backpack into his closet. He stripped his clothes off and threw on his pajamas, jumping into bed and covering up his head. Deceit would be there eventually, and Virgil prayed for it to be quick, and then he could cry himself to sleep, where he’d be safe. He was still trying to calm his breathing when the door opened and the lights turned on. Virgil squeezed his eyes closed as he heard the footfalls cross to his bed, “Did you brush your teeth?”

Virgil whimpered, “N-no sir… I’m sor-“

“Sorry? Oh you’re sorry are you Virgil? Are you sorry for breaking your dad’s heart?! Because that’s what you did! You lied and you hid the concert. He cried for an hour, you ungrateful little bastard.”

Virgil squeezed his eyes closed; he knew what was coming, but he had no idea how long the lecture would last before the violence started. The hand in his hair drug him out of the suspense—and out of the bed. His knees hit the floor and he cried out, struggling as Deceit dragged him into the bathroom. Virgil wrapped his hands around Deceit’s wrists to help keep him from pulling out any hair as he hauled the boy across the floor, jerking him to his feet and pushing him against the sink. “Do you need help with your nightly routine, Virgil? Is that it? You’re not mature enough to do your own grooming? Do you need me to brush your teeth for you?”

“No Dad please! I’m sorry I’ll do it please!” Virgil sobbed, staring at his own terrified face in the mirror.

Deceit slammed his knee against the back of Virgil’s and the boy went down, hitting his chin on the sink and biting his tongue—bleeding again. He drove his boot into Virgil’s ribs in a brutal kick, causing the teen to sob and curl into a fetal position on the floor. Fixing his shirt, Deceit cleared his throat, “If your teeth aren’t brushed and you aren’t back in bed before I come back in here—ten minutes, Virgil. You won’t be going to school for a week. I’ll make sure of that. Do you fucking hear me?”

Virgil trembled, unable to make a coherent reply, but Deceit left him, and he managed to drag himself up from the floor and brush his teeth, spitting blood. He washed his face, trying to fight away the tears as he crawled back into bed, wincing at the unpleasant grab in his side when he did so. He held his breath when he heard Deceit open his bedroom door, hallway light flooding in. Virgil forced his eyes closed and waited, biting down on his knuckles hard enough to leave deep toothmarks. When the door closed again he let out a shaky breath, but there weren’t anymore tears to release. So much for crying himself to sleep. Despite the dry eyes, Virgil did eventually drift off, the tremble in his breath melting as his chest slowed, and sleep took him.

 Virgil

Virgil jerked awake. He’d heard something, a voice? Something crawling on his floor? He sat up and looked around. It hadn’t been Deceit, or he’d have been slapped awake by now. Something—a snake? A rat?—slid under his bed and Virgil gasped, curling back up in bed and pulling his covers over his head. Whatever it was, if he made a fuss, he’d be in for another beating.

Virgil

           Virgil’s eyes snapped open, and he rolled over to the edge of the bed; he’d heard a voice. He was sure this time. He looked down for a moment before pulling himself down and looking under the bed. The darkness stared back, and Virgil tensed, chewing his lip as he moved to climb back up onto the bed. Suddenly, a writhing mass of tentacles shot out and wrapped around him, arms and throat, yanking Virgil underneath the bed. Virgil cried out as darkness enveloped him.

           He sat up as soon as he felt his body land on the floor—ground?—and scrambled to his feet. He was in something like a cave; water was dripping somewhere nearby, and trickling over rocks. He didn’t notice the man until his eyes adjusted, and then he screamed.

           “My my what a set of pipes you have,” the man said. “But calm down. I may be the monster under your bed, but I’m not here to eat you.”

           Virgil blinked, “Am I dead?”

           The man—monster?—rolled his eyes, “You think you’re in heaven? Do I look like God to you?”

           “I didn’t expect god to have a pornstache that’s true.”

           He cackled, “Pornstache! Oh that’s a good nickname… but I feel like it’s been done. Let’s wait a while until Orange Is the New Black has settled down before we really go for it, hm? So, Virge. I’ve been watching you a long time.”

           “Creepy,” Virgil said. “Why?”

           “It’s what we do, monsters, cryptids, whatever you want to call us. Humans are interesting—they’re very weird. But, you’re such a sad sack I couldn’t just let it stand anymore. I thought I’d pop in and cheer you up!”

           “By kidnapping me,” Virgil said, “Sure ok… what’s your name?”

           The creature was thoughtful, a few tentacles emerged—from his back maybe?—and twisted around as if he were fidgeting, “Well, I’ve got a few. When you live forever you pick up names don’t you? They’re like herpes, not generally welcome but always dependable! You can call me Remus.”

           “Remus, like Professor Lupin?” Virgil said, walking over to the cave wall where lewd art had been carved with a rock. “Or like… Remus Dănălache?”

           Remus raised an eyebrow, “What now?”

           Virgil shoved his hands in the pockets of his basketball shorts, “My dad watches a lot of European football.”

           “Ooh, which one? Hug Dad or Punch Dad?”

           Virgil winced, and Remus hissed apologetically, “Yeah maybe be a little more chill when you bring up… Punch Dad, alright?”

           Remus clapped his hands together, “Let’s go do something fun, Virgil! What do you like? Besides chewing on razorblades. I love doing that but… I’d better not bring you home covered in blood or your parents—or my parents—would probably be pissed.”

           “Wait you have parents? Monsters have parents?”

           “How else do you think I got here? Do you think I crawled out from under a rock?”

           “Well you did crawl out from under my bed!” Virgil said. “But like… sorry. Ok you have parents… does that mean you’re not an adult monster?”

           Remus sighed, “Monsters age slow, so no. I have to be six thousand before I’m considered an adult and I’ve got another five hundred years before that happens. But I’m practically an adult. I can jump.”

           “Can’t everybody jump?”

           “Not like that, dummy. I can dimensional jump! It means I can interact with your world and bring you into mine! So, why don’t we… go scare your neighbor, the old bitch who complained about your music that day you had the window open and Punch Dad broke your stereo.”

           “Yeah, Ms. Miller,” Virgil muttered. “What do we do?”

           Remus grinned, offering Virgil his hand, “Just follow my lead.”

Glee Memories: 1x6 Vitamin D

A long, long time ago, as Glee was approaching graduation in Season 3, I found myself nostalgic with some rare free time on my hands. So I decided to rewatch the series from the beginning and jot down some memories, discrepancies that have arisen since, fave quotes, tally solos - all that good stuff, strictly for shits and giggles.

8 years later (eek!) and once more I find myself with an unexpected abundance of free time. With so many revisiting or being newly introduced to the show between binge watching during Quarantine and all the tragedy that has surrounded the show since it went off the air, I figured I’d finish what I started. And by finish, I mean go through the end of S3. Cause I truly cannot acknowledge what happened after that. Except for 5B.

Kicking this off by reposting the first 15 episodes I already went through. Enjoy!

1x6 Vitamin D Mr. Schue is worried cause the Glee club is being lazy and complacent. First time and still true until Sue came along to help the club.

Mmmmkay. And now Mercedes starts dressing kinda funky. Oh goody. :/

Ugh. Listen, I have adored Matthew Morrison since I saw him in Hairspray 10 years ago, but it’s still not at all appealing when he tries to lick that mustard off his own chin.

“I will hold my tongue no further.”

”You have to remember something: we’re dealing with children. They need to be terrified. It’s like mother’s milk to them. Without it, their bones won’t grow properly.”

“Ellen, that blouse is just insane.”

”I don’t understand how lightening is in competition with an above ground swimming pool”

BOYS V. GIRLS FOR THE FIRST TIME! <3

“Okay, split up: guys on the right side, girls on the left side…Kurt” *gestures for him to join the boys, not the girls* Kurt looks soooo pissed. And is such a baby-faced nugget!

A Mash-Up was just defined and used for the first time.

”We’re planning on smacking them down like the hand of God” yaaaaay, Sue’s Journal entries! I miss those. Hey, did she ever get that hovercraft she was working towards?

”Let me be frank: your husband is hiding his kielbasa in a Hickory Farms gift basket that doesn’t belong to you.”

”I’ve always thought the desire to procreate showed deep personal weakness. Me? Never wanted kids. Don’t have the time, don’t have the uterus.” #oops

“I think you should both pack up and move out of the district. Unless you wanna lose your man to a mentally ill ginger pygmy with eyes like a bush baby”

the Matthew Morrison mustard licking is even less appealing in slow motion. Ew.

Terri just wiped Emma’s mug off with her own spit. Even if you didn’t have OCD, that is not right.

“But you’re not a nurse. You don’t have any training…” “Oh please, Will – it’s a public school.”

Wait…Mr. Schue seems to be teaching music theory? WTF? Has this happened before? Since?

“She freaks me out in a Swim Fan kinda way”

“But her body’s smokin’…if you’re not into boobs” Finn re: Rachel

I don’t think I ever caught this before – Finn is rubbing BioFreeze on his legs and accidentally scratches near his eye…and you can see the effect set in and then he spazzes out. Ha! #BlessFinnsHeart

“My mom says I’m stretched too thin so I gave up homework but that didn’t help” #BlessFinnsHeart

“Puck, with respect, you’re more helpful when you don’t contribute”

“Where’s Quinn?” “Probably down at the mall looking for elastic waistbands”

“Let’s do the number and then build a house for Habitat for Humanity” oh, Finn on ‘vitamin d’. He has the mind of a child. Especially during this performance. Holy crap!

“No one at Glee is gonna judge you.” Oh, that will change Rachel.

Hahahaha, Quinn drew pornographic pictures of Rachel on the bathroom walls. I miss when Quinn hated Rachel. Just a little bit. Cause she did it so well and right now it would please my soul to see some of that.

Poor Howard Bamboo is so terrified of Terri and just pitiful. I just want to hug him and tell him to stand up to her! :(

“I see em’ together all the time – laughing, talking…all the stuff she never does with me”

Terri’s office looks like it’s the same as Emma’s…

“I am not built to work 5 days a week”

“I’ve been thinkin’ maybe that if you and I started seein’ each other on the side it might kinda cancel their thing out”

“She doesn’t like to be touched…by me.”

“Look at the two of us. You pregnant and me with psoriasus and one testicle that won’t descend.”

“Though I’ve been grouped with the boys, my allegiance still remains with you ladies. They declined my offer to do their hair in cornrows and all my artistic decisions have been derioted as ‘too costly’ because they involve several varieties of exotic bird feathers.”

Rachel’s goal is a Grammy, not a Tony. #oops

smack-talking Finn is a giant douche. Ugh.

“You being here is not good for our marriage.” “Spending time together is not good for our marriage?” She has a point…

“A lot of ants on the sidewalk today.” *long uncomfortable silence* “Pretty late in the season for that.”

oh, Ken proposing. I hated you from the first moment I laid eyes on you.

“Look, Emma, I know our relationship hasn’t been perfect. You won’t ride in my car. I can’t touch you above the wrist. Remember you cried for an hour that one time my elbow accidentally brushed by your breast? But I think about you all day long. I kiss that picture of us at the State Fair every night before I go to sleep. Emma Pillsbury, this is not an engagement ring – no, I mean it is, but it’s more than that. It’s a promise. Look, Emma, I know you have this thing about being clean. Now I can’t promise to pick up my underwear or squeegee the shower door, but I can promise to keep your life clean of sadness and loneliness and any other dark clouds that might float into it. It’s cubic zirconia. I know how effected you were by Blood Diamond.”

“Thankyousomuch,itreallyisapleasure.Whiletheboyschoseaselectionofsongsthatcastaneyeinwardontheirresponsiblelifechoicesandsexualhungeroftoday’smodernteens,wehavechosenaselectionofsongsthatspeakstothenationasawholeduringthesetroublingtimesfilledwitheconomicuncertaintyandunbridledsocialwoebecauseifthere’stwothingsAmericaneedsrightnow,thatissunshineandoptimism.” *awkward pause and Rachel finally breathes* “Also angels.” OMG. Maybe my favorite Rachel Berry moment ever.

Also, this was one of my fave musical moments (songs, singers, choreography) of all of Season One. Heather Morris is gangsta on this, dancing like she’s on crack. OMG. I love it. Every one of these girls is such a great dancer.

“Can you um…can you think of any other options I might have?” “Is that a reason to marry someone?” “That’s not what I’m asking.” See, Glee still does this – these weird conversations that are clearly about something else, but never really get finished and things are left in limbo but as if the akward moment didn’t happen, so I think I’m losing my mind when I look for the continuity….ugh. Headache. What just happened?

“You have no chance with my husband. Do I make myself clear? You might think there’s some kind of competition going on with you and I, but that’s like saying that a nail is competing with a hammer.”

“Do yourself a favor, honey. Marry Ken Tanaka. Oh sure, he’s dumb like sand, and his fondue pot of nationalities is gonna open your kids up to a host of genetic diseases…but he’s kind, and he’s generous. And he’s available.” I don’t like Terri but….truth.com right there.

“I need to talk to you, about the baby” “Is everything ok? You’re not having it right now, are you?” What?! No! Aren’t you supposed to be a nurse?”

“You want money from me?” “It’s gonna be your baby.” “Which means I’m gonna be paying the bills for 18 years – I think you can handle 9 months” Oh Terri.

Aw. My heart still breaks for Emma during this scene where she basically accepts Ken’s proposal and asks for a secret marriage. And says she doesn’t wanna spend the rest of her life alone. Gah – so sad! :(

“I don’t even remember performing.”

“I’m sorry for what I said the other day. For calling you contemptable and deplorable” “Ah, that’s ok. I didn’t even know what those words meant.” #BlessFinnsHeart

“My goals are too selfish.” Rachel. Why did you forget that lesson?

Howard Bamboo got arrested on suspicion of running a meth lab. Ha!

“You are oblivious to consequences” A running theme of this show.

oh Glee. Again with the weird situations…neither Will nor Emma even preTENded to be happy about her marrying Ken when she told him. How does neither of them address it? What just happened?

I remember the first time I saw this episode and I loved that Rachel Berry had changed to being a team player and making her goal about winning sectionals with the team. That didn’t last long. SOLOS: Finn (1), Artie (1), Rachel (1) MERCEDES TAKES THE GLORY NOTE: 2nd time

Hidden Gems of the Silver Screen (And, to a Lesser Extent, the Telly)

It can’t have escaped your notice that the majority of my more recent posts (and fuck knows I’m not posting regularly at the moment) are about movies and TV. The reason for that is pretty simple: 2019 has, surprisingly, yielded some great movies and TV... and also some really torrid shite. On the one hand, films like Ma, Brightburn and The Perfection continue to breathe new life into the horror genre. On the other hand, sci-fi as a cinematic and televised thing continues to ignore its actual audience in favour of sniffing its own farts in a sound-proof chamber designed specifically for next-level virtue-signalling. One thing I will say about the dreck of 2019 is that it’s interesting dreck, at least so far. Another Life, for example, isn’t just bad: it’s mind-bogglingly, fascinatingly bad, as though someone set out to make the worst TV series imaginable and accidentally created a portal to another dimension made entirely of crap.

With all the amazingly wonderful and transifxingly terrible visual media on offer lately, it’s easy to forget that there’s a rich repository of films and TV series from just a few years ago that you’ve probably never watched. You see if you, like me, are a snooty, card-carrying member of the elitist intelligentsia, you probably missed films and TV series that looked dumb as soup on the surface on the grounds that they weren’t worth your time. Luckily for you, I’ve dived nose-first into the detritus of our dying culture, so you don’t have to, and I’ve ferreted out the diamonds from the pig-swill. Without further ado, I’d therefore like to present my list Easily Overlooked Gems.

1. Mandy The phrase “Nicholas Cage stars in a sword-and-sorcery rape/revenge thriller” does not inspire confidence. It’s therefore easy to ignore Mandy and the promptly forget it ever existed. Which is a shame, because it’s kind of a work of genius. The plot is exactly what you’d expect: a cult kidnaps, rapes and kills Cage’s girlfriend, Mandy, and Cage sets out on a mission of revenge culminating in a blood-bath. The nature of the revenge quest is what puts a sting in the film’s tail- or tale, if you’re feeling puntastic. You see, a lot of the bad guys exist in a constant hallucinatory haze after taking a drug that sent them mad after one dose. In order to fight on their level, Cage has to take a dose too. As a result, the world around him slowly but surely transforms into a nightmare landscape that looks like a cross between a D&D illustration and the cover of a heavy metal album and his grubby, personal mission of fury takes on the unmistakable resonance of a Conan-esque hero’s quest. By the end of the film, you have to wonder if Cage has actually slipped into some sort of alternate dimension or if he’s just lost his game-pieces completely. In places, it’s nearly as painful to watch as Landmine Goes Click (crikey, there’s one for the history buffs) but it looks and feels like Beyond the Black Rainbow. Worth your attention just because of how weird it is. I give it a solid four-out-five decapitated rapists.

2. Baby Driver Nothing about Baby Driver suggested it would be a good film: the way it was advertised as a car-chase movie trying to be cute; the stupid title; the fact that it came and went through cinemas like a fart in the night. Which is a shame, because it’s secretly brilliant. It’s a highly stylised crime film populated with the archest archetypes money can buy (to the point where some of the dialogue has a weirdly beat-poetic feel to it). It’s saturated colour palette and off-beat affect actually have something of a full-colour Jim Jarmusch flick about them. The hook, of course, is that the lead character (only ever referred to as Baby, because he’s got a punchably youthful face) has tinnitus and therefore has to listen to music constantly to drown at the buzzing in his head. The practical upshot of this is that a) every single scene is overlayed with surprisingly great and situationally appropriate music and b) he goes through life like he’s always dancing, so his way of moving lends to the film’s easy-going sense of flow. It also explains where his preternatural driving skills come from (I mean, not really, but within the context of the plot): he’s used to sliding effortlessly into patterns and rhythms because of the music thing. All of this could make a terrible film, of course, but execution is everything and, to everyone’s surprise, especially mine, this flick was executed with an astonishing level of panache. I rate it ten out of ten grizzly motor way pile ups.

3. Nightflyers It’s not just films that get overlooked as the tide of culture washes back and forth, like a great big sea of effluent. TV series also vanish unduly into the dustbin of history. Case in point, the criminally underappreciated Nighrflyers: Netflix pre-Another Life sci-fi offering that was actually good. It’s a pretty classic set-up: a group of mismatched wing-nuts on a spaceship, all of whom have secrets that that will threaten to tear them apart while they try to make contact with an alien life-form. What elevates Nightflyers is just how fuck-uped the cast are. There’s an angry British psychic whose spent his whole life in captivity in case he goes full Scanners on somebody’s head, a guy who only ever appears as a hologram for reasons too twisted to explain here, his evil mother whose uploaded her mind to the ship’s computer and gone batshit crazy, a genetic superbeing and a hacker who can send her mind into computers via a dodgy implant and who may or may not be drifting out of touch with the human condition. It’s great. 6 and half billion out of 7 billion monkeys, boiling in the void.

4. Hardcore Henry No, I don’t know who thought that title was a good idea either, but the point is that Hardcore Henry has no motherfucking right to kick as much arse as it does. It was clearly made on a budget that would embarrass a Youtube shampoo commercial, but it just flat-out rocks. Shot entirely in first-person, it follows the adventures of a mute cyborg as he seeks revenge against the bastard psychic entrepreneur who first built him then tried to kill him. Along the way, his main ally is a dude who keeps dying and coming back to life in a series of identical bodies but with radically different personalities and haircuts (this is eventually explained, but I’m not going to spoil it for you). It’s premise is demented, it’s surprisingly well-choreographed and its soundtrack is an aphrodisiac for your ears. Also, Tim Roth is in it, so that’s just yer seal of quality right there. It came out to a lot of fanfare and many, many cinema trailers back in the day and was then promptly forgotten about as soon as it launched. So I’m dragging it kicking and screaming back into the limelight. It’s on Netflix right now, so go watch it. I rate it a solid 11 out of 15 creepy duplicates of Tim Roth.

5. Upgrade Another lesser-known film about a cyborg. Unlike Henry, however, this cyborg’s life doesn’t so much ‘rock’ as ‘suck balls’. He gets crippled and then ends up with a sentient computer chip in his head that allows him to remote-control his own body despite not having a working spine anymore. Naturally, his experimental tech attracts the attention of some unsavoury characters and he and his brain-chip have to work together to figure out what’s going on, often through a series of ultra-violent, gory fight-scenes that horrify the protagonist himself. Of course, all might be well, except that the head-chip is a homicidal little shit that clearly has its own agenda. I give it at least 0000 0111 out of 0000 1001 painstakingly restored vintage kill-bots.

6. The Tick The Tick isn’t as overlooked as everything else on this list, especially since there have been a couple of previous televised incarnations of the franchise to lay the groundwork. However, I still feel like the modern iteration doesn’t quite get the love it deserves, so I’m throwing it out here. Following the adventures a mad, amnesiac and possibly stupid superhero and his neurotic sidekick, The Tick explores a world where superheroes aren’t the paragons of good from classic comics, the corrupt psychotics of The Boys or Watchmen, or the eternally struggling, walking moral life-lessons of modern cinema. Instead, they’re just ordinary people operating at various levels of competence/incompetence and mental illness and working within a bureaucratic, wildly inefficient framework. That might not sound like a recipe for a successful TV series, but it really is. Drawing out the mundane, human side of heroes and villains against the backdrop of cataclysmic, civilisation-threatening events makes for infinitely compelling and very, very funny viewing. It’s kind of doing for the superhero genre what Futurama did for sci-fi a few years back. It’s also where the phrase and/or popular song ‘seven billion monkeys boiling in the void’ comes from. My rating is four out of five sapient, homosexual boats (which will make sense when you watch it).

7. The Void Amid the high-budget horror extravaganzas of recent years, it’s easy to forget about the void, which feels like the best story H.P. Lovecraft never wrote and looks like David Chronenberg tried to adapt a Heironimous Bosch painting... in the ‘80s. The actual plot concerns a group of people getting trapped in a hospital by murderous cultists and discovering dark secrets and, arguably, a whole other dimension in its basement. You’re not exactly there for the plot though: The Void is a mood-piece and an exercise in visual FX craftsmanship. You’re there to drink in the atmosphere and see what each new cosmic horror looks like. I am delighted to award it ten out of ten unspeakable whisperers in the darkness. That’s enough for two barbershop quartets, an emcee and a supporting act.

8. Happy Death Day It’s Groundhog Day but as a horror film starring a really annoying lass in her late teens has to keep dying horribly until she learns to stop being such a terrible person... and also kill her murderer with a little help from her newly-minted, non-cunty friend. There’s a sequel that I haven’t seen yet, but the original is a low-key, oft-overlooked delight. I give it 9 out of 11 suspiciously similar corpses.

CHARACTER SHEET repost. do not reblog.

𝐛𝐚𝐬𝐢𝐜𝐬 !

FULL NAME.     gaige ( redacted ) PRONUNCIATION.       gayje NICKNAME.     n/a GENDER.       cis - female HEIGHT.   5′3 and 3/4 AGE.  verse dependent ZODIAC.         sagittarius  SPOKEN LANGUAGES.     english

𝐩𝐡𝐲𝐬𝐢𝐜𝐚𝐥 𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐫𝐚𝐜𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐢𝐬𝐭𝐢𝐜𝐬 !

HAIR COLOR.         red EYE COLOR.         green SKIN TONE.         fair BODY TYPE.         that’s a beanpole ACCENT.         none VOICE.         most importantly ... it’s loud. generally speaking, her voice is pretty clear!! occasionally there’s a little bit of rasp, though. pitch-wise, she’s middle-of-the-road, unless she’s stressin’. when she’s stressin’, she raises in pitch significantly. ref. DOMINANT HAND.         right POSTURE.         pretty good, considering how much time she spends at a workbench!! SCARS.          this girl is covered in ‘em. most prominently, she’s got a lot of scar tissue on her left shoulder, when her prosthetic connects. TATTOOS.        none BIRTHMARKS.      none         MOST NOTICEABLE FEATURE(S).   i would have to say ... her metal arm is a big attention grabber, anywhere but pandora!!   

𝐜𝐡𝐢𝐥𝐝𝐡𝐨𝐨𝐝 !

PLACE OF BIRTH.    eden-5 HOMETOWN.          eden-5 is the longest street in the galaxy  BIRTH WEIGHT.         baby weight BIRTH HEIGHT.         baby height MANNER OF BIRTH.         ... it certainly happened. FIRST WORDS.         it was definitely da-da. sad. SIBLINGS.      none PARENTS.        unnamed mother ( deceased ) , unnamed father , unnamed step-mother PARENTAL INVOLVEMENT.        gaige and her dad were incredibly close, before she had to leave eden-5!! even once she’s on pandora, he’s still one of the most important people in her life. her step-mom is also really special to gaige, but they’ve never been as close. they’re both super supportive of everything she does, including her accidental vault hunting lifestyle. 

𝐚𝐝𝐮𝐥𝐭 𝐥𝐢𝐟𝐞 !

OCCUPATION.         part time mechanic, part time vault hunter, full time badass. primarily, she does odd jobs for money and guns. on the side, she helps out around the sanctuary-based catch-a-ride! CURRENT RESIDENCE.          split between different planets, going where the vaults take her. still on the run. CLOSE FRIENDS.         the entire bl2 vault hunting team, scooter hodunk, tiny tina, vaas montenegro, and mordy!!  RELATIONSHIP STATUS.         generally single FINANCIAL STATUS.         she’s rich bitch DRIVER’S LICENSE.        unofficial? she can drive but like don’t get in the car with her CRIMINAL RECORD.         wanted for the murder of her classmate, marcie, with a bounty of $820,000,000,000 on her head!! VICES.        she sometimes has ... a god complex. she’s a pretty powerful person and doesn’t really know where the line is or when to stop. that gets her in trouble.

𝐦𝐢𝐬𝐜𝐞𝐥𝐥𝐚𝐧𝐞𝐨𝐮𝐬 !

CHARACTER’S THEME SONG.        who am i living for? i’ve said it before and i’ll say it again, but... the imagery in this song hits the nail on the head, for my portrayal of gaige. can’t say enough good things about this absolute banger. HOBBIES TO PASS TIME.         upgrading dt! going out and shooting things! echocasting for the world to hear! merc work! general mechanic / engineer things! MENTAL ILLNESSES.        confirmed anxiety queen PHYSICAL ILLNESSES.         it’s not ... an illness, but she did chop off one of her arms.  LEFT OR RIGHT BRAINED.         left brained. PHOBIAS.     spiderants and handsome jack. everything else is fine. SELF CONFIDENCE LEVEL.         ... too much to unpack, so we’ll call it middle of the road. VULNERABILITIES.        now that’s one secret i’ll never tell. xoxo, it’s everything about her she’s a really good target, if dt isn’t operational.

TAGGED BY. i think it was mace ... somewhere ... TAGGING. everybody who’s online right now!!

Hello lovely people! And welcome to my first writting challenge. The aim of this challenge is to shine a light on mental health, medical conditions, and the things that can have impacts on us. This started out initially being a PCOS Awareness challenge but through conversations on the TCC discord, it’s become a challenge surrounding mental health in general. 

May is Mental Health Awareness Month. The goal of this challenge is to lift each other up, and show that it’s okay not to be okay. Spread some love and light during a challenging time in the world to those who struggle with chronic illness, depression, anxiety, self-esteem issues, grief, PCOS, acceptance from their families and communities for being LGBT+, and anyone struggling with insecurity. 

This challenge will run through September 15th, 2020. It will run through part of Mental Health Awareness Month, through Pride Month, and through part of PCOS Awareness Month. I probably have too many prompts, but I wanted to ensure that there was a wide array to choose from. 

The Rules:

1. Utilize resources available online if you’re dealing with subject matter you’re not that familiar with. I’m not going to go all “cite sources” on y’all, but please do make sure to do your research. Writing about some of these issues can be hard if you don’t have first hand knowledge of how it can affect you. The goal of this challenge is to write about topics that we tend to shy away from, that many of us struggle with, from mental health struggles to chronic illnesses to low-self esteem. A gentle reminder that if you think writing about a subject will be triggering for you, please look after yourself first. 

2. Use #JBBNNMHAMChallenge to tag your fic

3. Dark!Fic- I was up in the air on allowing dark!fic in the challenge. Due to the subject matter involved in this challenge, please don’t submit dark!fic. I enjoy dark fics, but this challenge isn’t the place for them.

4. Smut- Smut is welcome! Make sure you tag it appropriately. 

5. No inc*st, dubcon/noncon, underage, etc 

6. Ships- I prefer reader inserts, but show me what ya got 

7. Selecting Prompts: Just let me know which one you want to do! 2 people per prompt! The song prompts have a line from them under it. You DO NOT need to use the line in your submission! It’s mostly to help you decide if you’re interested in a song before you take a listen to it. The song prompts are broken down into ‘support’, ‘general’, and ‘grief’ but feel free to use them as you see fit. I categorized them mostly for organization 

8. Trigger Warnings: Use warnings as needed. Fics dealing with depression, anxiety, eating disorders, or other mental health issues should be tagged appropriately to ensure that readers that may be triggered by the subject matter can avoid the fic. Trigger warnings are non-negotiable

The prompts are under the cut! 

Prompts:

Dialogue Prompts:

“You never have to ask, you know that right? Say the word, and I’ll do it.” ( @whistlingwillows​ )

“Would you believe me if I said it’s because I love you? I’d give you the world if you asked.” ( @jbbuckybarnes )

“I promise you. One day, it will get easier. Those feelings might never fully go away, but it will get easier.” ( @imnotasuperhero​ )

“You ever feel like you can’t breathe? Like the whole world is collapsing in on itself and no one notices? No one cares? Like you can’t escape it?” ( @nekoannie-chan )

“It’d probably be easier if you left”

“Please leave me alone”

“I said I don’t want to talk about it. What part of that is hard for you to understand?” ( @sweetwritesx​ )

“I wish I could believe you when you said that.” ( @evansweaters ) 

“How do you even begin to move on?” ( @blackwidowballet )

“You sure about that, moonman?” 

“I don’t know. All I do know is I don’t belong here” (@buckybarnesplumwhore​)

“That’s not true. And I will tell you that every day of your life until you believe me.” 

Sentence Prompts:

Feel free to adjust the pronouns as needed 

It was a day. It was the only way it could be described.

The feeling stuck like super glue, unable to be shaken away with a few whispered words and comforting hugs. ( @buckybarney ) 

You never knew something could hurt like this, that emotional pain could resonate so strongly through every atom of your body. (@buckybarnesplumwhore​)

That smile. He/she missed that smile. ( @bethycupcake )

It was progress. Baby steps forward. Maybe it wouldn’t all be okay today, but someday? It would be. ( @trillian-anders ) 

The list of medications that had been tried seemed like it was a mile long. ( @buckyreaderrecs)  

If you had another condescending doctor tell you your problem wasn’t a problem you were going to scream. 

The warmth of the sun fell over you like a blanket in the middle of winter. ( @avintagekiss24 ) 

Today was going to be good. 

It didn’t take a genius to figure out that this was going south. 

AU and Trope Prompts: 

Soulmate 

College

Childhood Friends

Friends to Lovers

Enemies to Lovers 

Musicians

Writer

Professional Athlete 

Teacher

Coffee Shop

Fake Dating

Accidental Marriage

Royal

Librarian 

Neighbors ( @shakespeareanqueer​ )

Song Prompts:

Support: 

1. Nobody Ever Told You - Carrie Underwood

Lyric Snippet: “Wish you could see yourself the way I do. Nobody ever told you, nobody ever told you. Shine like a diamond, glitter like gold, and you need to know what nobody ever told you” 

2. Missing You - All Time Low

Lyric Snippet: “And if you need a friend, I’ll help you stitch up your wounds. I heard that you’ve been, having some trouble finding your place in the world. I know how much that hurts. But if you need a friend, then please just say the word.” 

3. Barefoot and Bruise - Jamestown Story Lyric Snippet: “Maybe when your sky comes crashing down, I can be your angel on the ground. If you get tired and can’t go on, I will carry you along, when the rocks below your feet wear out your shoes, when you’re barefoot and bruised” 

4. Hold On Till May- Pierce the Veil Lyric Snippet: “If were you, I’d put that away. See you’re just wasted and thinking about the past again. Darling, you’ll be okay.” 

5. This Song Saved My Life - Simple Plan Lyric Snippet: “You let me know like no one else that it’s okay to be myself” ( @captain-kelli​ ) 

General: 1. It Feels Like - 1551 Lyric Snippet: “No I’m not fine, every second is a record of why, I live my life never doing things right” 

2. Sunrise - 1551 Lyric Snippet: “Nightmare that’s not gonna stop, it’s darkness you’re not gonna stop” 

3. Home - Machine Gun Kelly, X Ambassadors, Beba Rexha Lyric Snippet: “All these miles, feet, inches, they can’t add up to the distance that I have been through just to get to a place where even if there’s no closure I’m still safe. I still ache from trying to keep pace. Somebody give me a sign, I’m starting to lose faith”

4. Broken Arrows - Daughtry  Lyric Snippet: “The best of intentions I lay at your feet. And I need you to see past the worst part of me.”

5. Used - Serious Matters  Lyric Snippet: “The wounds are gone and the pain still lingers. But this time I won’t stand by, I don’t need you in my life”

6. Unsteady - X Ambassadors  Lyric Snippet: “Hold on to me, ‘cause I’m a little unsteady, a little unsteady” ( @jamesbarnesappreciationclub​ )

7. Let It Land - Tonight Alive Lyric Snippet: “And everything we hate is something we just bought along the line” 

8. Cold As You - Taylor Swift Lyric Snippet: “You put up walls and paint them all a shade of grey. And I stood there loving you and wished them all away. And you come away with a great little story, of a mess of a dreamer with the nerve to adore you” 

9. Tied Together with a Smile - Taylor Swift Lyric Snippet: “Hold on, baby you’re losing it. The water’s high, you’re jumping into it, and letting go, and no one knows. That you cry but you don’t tell anyone that you might not be the golden one. And you’re tied together with a smile, but you’re coming undone.” 

10. Human Interaction - Tonight Alive Lyric Snippet: “I don’t know love. I don’t know hate. I am numb. Wish I could find the words to say. Asking please, as colors fade. I need to breathe. Before I turn the world to grey.” 

Grief: 

1. Jersey On the Wall (I’m Just Asking) - Tenille Townes 

Lyric Snippet: “If I ever get to heaven, you know I got a long list of questions. Like how do you make a snowflake, are you angry when the earth quakes? How does the sky change in a minutes, how do you keep this big rock spinning? Why can’t you stop a car from crashing? Forgive me, I’m just asking” 

2. Five More Minutes - Scotty McCreery

Lyric Snippet: “Time rolls by, the clock don’t stop. I wish I had a few more drops of the good stuff, the good times. Oh, but they just keep on flying right on by like it ain’t nothing, wish I had me a, a pause button. Moments like those, Lord knows I’d hit it. Give myself five more minutes” 

3. Dad’s Old Number - Cole Swindell

Lyric Snippet: “Sometimes I forget, these ten digits ain’t my lifeline anymore. Every now and then I dial them up when life gets tough or when the Braves score. Sorry about the one ring hang ups, early morning and late night wake ups. It was just me. In case you wondered, you’ve got dad’s old number.” 

4. The Other Side - Lauren Alaina

Lyric Snippet: “There’s gonna be a lot of sadness on a lot of happy days, I’ll try to think of this moment, this place” 

5. I Was Here - Beyonce

Lyric Snippet: “So they won’t forget I was here. I lived. I loved. I was here. I did, I’ve done, everything that I wanted and it was more than I thought it would be. I will leave my mark so everyone will know I was here.” 

6. Gone Too Soon - Simple Plan

Lyric Snippet: “Like a shooting star, flying across the room. So fast, so far, you were gone too soon. You’re a part of me. And I’ll never be the same here without you. You were gone too soon.” 

7. Amelia - Tonight Alive

Lyric Snippet: “And you will always be perfect, you’ll always be beautiful, our hearts, will never forget you. You didn’t belong here, and it’s become so clear why heaven called your name.” 

'How can I complain?'

An essay about mental health by musician James Blake, from It’s Not OK to Feel Blue (And other lies).

James Blake 09 OCTOBER 2019

It’s especially easy to poke fun at the idea that a white man could be depressed. I have done it myself, as a straight white man who was depressed. In fact, I still carry the shame of having been a straight white man who’s depressed and has experienced suicidal thoughts. And still, when discussing it with most people, I will play down or skirt around how desperately sad I have been; instead I emphasize how much happier I am now. I emphasize the work I had to do to get to a better place, and how it was hard work and fruitful work, and how I empowered myself by doing it. I usually focus on how I regained control and an enthusiasm for living (‘Nice one, mate!’), not on how I lost it. That is the last of my defensiveness.

I remember doing an interview with the New York Times where the interviewer asked me why my childhood was painful, and how I got to such a dark place in my late twenties. I told him, ‘You know, other kids, bullying, etc.’ – and instantly regretted my brevity. He said something like, ‘Right, so a pretty standard childhood then.’

Fuck. After all this public talk of depression and anxiety, and many albums of expressed pain, I felt exposed as a fraud, but I was relieved not to have shown my cards and revealed how pathetic and weak I must have been when I was younger. Maybe he was right. He’d probably been through worse and wasn’t complaining about it.

I picked up a resentment towards other people from school. My parents were very loving and supportive and, unusually for my generation, still together. I went to school completely unequipped to deal with certain kids who were taking their fractured and in some cases abusive home lives out on me. I know that now. I was ‘too sensitive’, and I never learned how to act. I was a baby who’d been kept away from germs, and now I was getting ill from anything and everything. (I should say now that I have many happy memories of childhood, especially of my parents and of certain friends who I could count on, and that my inability to focus on those positives probably didn’t help.)

During my school years I spent thousands of hours walking on my own with headphones on or playing piano in the practice rooms, often going there first to cry in private and then occasionally with a mind to play. I was addicted to video games from the age of twelve, rarely going out to socialize. I had a few ‘best’ friends over the years who, looking back, I didn’t know well. But I’m grateful for having had them.

I put girls on pedestals and worshipped them, but only ever remained their friend. I fell in love many times and it was never reciprocated. I had no automatic right to them of course, but they kept me around for years and allowed me to be bullied and humiliated by their friends, accidentally betraying me out of awkwardness. I resented their understandable, youthful inability to know what to do with a sensitive boy who made them laugh and feel good about themselves, but whose body they did not want.

Boys would see my sensitivity as weakness and, while I was sharp and quick-witted, I wasn’t sporty, which was my first mistake with them, I think. Again, I didn’t know how to act. I wondered for years whether I had some behaviour disorder. I still wonder. In any case, year upon year of capricious bullying and humiliation followed.

These feelings of betrayal, persecution and rejection I kept to myself. In the crude gender stereotypes I was aware of at that age, I thought I had the sensitivity of a female but in a male’s body. I joked my way through it and made sure nobody ever saw me cry. I remained a virgin until the age of twenty-two, because I was awkward and unable to be natural around women. I was afraid of the vulnerability of sex after so many embarrassing attempts at it. (The song ‘Assume Form’ is, in part, about finding the ability to feel safe during intimacy.) It seemed to me that it had taken my success as a DJ for women to pursue me, and then I distrusted them for their sudden, transparent interest, so I pushed them all away. Slowly the face of every woman morphed into the faces of the girls who I felt had betrayed and humiliated me. And the face of every man became a bully who would underestimate me and try to kill my spirit.

Becoming relatively famous, my persecution complex turned into a self-serving narcissism, and my obsession with proving my worth to people who’d underestimated me was now being rewarded financially. To those ends, my first emotional language – music – had been the vehicle. I wanted to show everyone what they’d missed out on for all those years.

To some extent I succeeded in that, but I became so self-obsessed and isolated that I wasn’t the success I seemed to be on paper. And so the chasm grew between my alias – the guy with the ‘Pitchfork best new music 8.0+’, with the uncompromising and flourishing career, who seemed in control of everything – and the man-child who for many years was hurting, spiralling, never leaving the house, wasting away in an ego prison, refusing to collaborate, allowing himself to be bled financially and taken advantage of by his friends and their extended family, playing video games and smoking weed fourteen hours a day and not taking any care of himself what-so-ever until he was in a black depression, experiencing daily panic attacks, hallucinations and an existential crisis. I was asking questions like ‘What is the point of me?’ and saying I didn’t want to live. I became afraid of the growing fog of war outside my house because of what I knew people expected of me if I entered it: a normal interaction and, even more impossible, a new album.

I wanted people to know how I felt, but I didn’t have the vocabulary to tell them. I have gone into a bit of detail here not to make anyone feel sorry for me, but to show how a privileged, relatively rich-and-famous-enough-for-zero-pity white man could become depressed, against all societal expectations and allowances. If I can be writing this, clearly it isn’t only oppression that causes depression; for me it was largely repression.

I’m still not sure I fully believe I am entitled to be depressed or sad at all, because I’m white and cisgender and male, and life for people like me is undoubtedly the easiest of any group. But my privilege didn’t make me want to stick around, and it makes me feel even more embarrassed for having let myself go.

When the delusional mental force field of whiteness finally popped (the ‘psychosis’ of whiteness, as Kehinde Andrews puts it, which most white people are still experiencing – I was still able to reap the now obvious benefits of being white, straight and male but without the subconscious ability to ignore my responsibility to the marginalized), I started having the uncomfortable but rational thought that my struggle was actually comparatively tiny, and that any person of colour or member of the LGBTQ+ community could feasibly have been through exactly the same thing and then much, much more on top of that. A plate stacked until it was almost unmanageable. For me it became embarrassing to mention my child’s portion of trauma and sadness.

Combining that thought with the normalized stigmatization of male musicians’ emotional expression in the media, I felt like I must be the ‘Sadboy Prince and the Pea’.

But my girlfriend verbally slapped some sense into me, saying it does not help anybody, least of all oneself, to compare pain. And that was good advice to hear from someone who’d been through what she has. I can only imagine how frustrating it was for this Pakistani woman to watch me – with all my advantages in life – self-sabotage and complain like I have. Fuck.

And then you look at the statistics: according to the Yale Global Health Review, ‘in 2015, the crude suicide rate [in the USA] for white non-Hispanic males aged 40 to 65 was 36.84 per 100,000 people – more than twice the rate in the general American population’. If it wasn’t already clear that we have more than enough representation, we’re huge in suicide too.

Given this, I think it’s worth examining why many privileged white men can end up feeling they have no legitimate claim to pain, and then never deal with what they can’t lay claim to.

Even while writing this I’m visited by the thought ‘Who even cares? There are much bigger problems in the world than white men who feel sad.’ (This is a bloody laughable thing to write your first piece on – get some perspective, arsehole, and put away your tiny violin.) But you know what? I’ll continue because I think we need to advance the conversation around mental health for everyone, and it’s the only experience I feel qualified to talk about.

From systemic toxic masculinity (‘Boys don’t cry’, basically) and an ostensibly homophobic fear of sensitivity being beer-bonged into us by our friends, family and the media from as early as we can remember (‘Chug, chug, chug!’) to the slow realization as we get older that the world is actually stacked towards our success, we end up thinking that our individual psychological decline is shameful.

I believe it is psychologically dangerous for our egos to be built up as much as they are; for the importance of success to be so great; for the world to open its doors more to us than to others (most of us willfully ignore that those advantages exist, though we feel them deep down, and subconsciously know that it is unfair and that we must capitalize on them).

It is dangerous for us to be made to feel we can do anything and be anything, to gain an understanding of women as a resource rather than a lesson in empathy and love – and then find in all our capitalistic and egoistic fervour that we have neglected to take care of that other muscle that enables our survival: the mind.

I for one felt like Donald Trump, starting with $413 million and ending up broke and lying about my tax records. Maybe then it’s no surprise that so many disaffected white men identify so deeply with him. (It should be noted that I absolutely don’t.) That and our shared love of doing anything we want and saying whatever we like without consequence to ourselves.

That shared love has rightly led to a debate about what white males are entitled to say and do. I believe we’re entitled to no more than anybody else, which at this point requires a lot of listening and rebalancing. I also believe everybody is entitled to pain, no matter how perceptibly or relatively small that pain is. I don’t want the shame around depression and anxiety in privileged people to become worse any more than I want it for the marginalized. Because without addressing that pain we end up with more cis-gendered white male egomaniacs who bleed their shit on to everybody (and some of them will write albums about it).

James Blake's essay is from It's Not Ok To Feel Blue (And Other Lies), a collection of writing about mental health, curated by Scarlett Curtis.

11/11 Game

Tagged by @insearchof-solace. Thanks!

Rules: Answer the 11 questions given, then make up 11 new questions for whoever you tag to answer. Tag 11 people.

1. What story elements keep popping up in your wip(s)? It could be a personality trait, a setting, some sort of symbolism, anything.

Hope as a theme, and examinations of coping mechanisms and mental illness. All of my plays mention self harm, which was an unintentional pattern :\ 

2. Do you mainly draw inspiration from real things/places/events/people? Or do you get inspiration from other fictional settings?

It’s a mix for sure, but I’d say mostly I get inspiration from the emotional impact of real things, rather than representing the actual events in my WIPs. My inspiration process is such an indirect mess I don’t know how to describe it.

3. What major thing drives you to write your current wip(s)?

I dunno. I enjoy it. Contrary to all the memes, I genuinely really enjoy writing (most chapters). And I like my OCs. It’s also fun to see what reactions I’ll get from readers (mostly Ash, my most loyal reader and commenter).

4. Is there anything you hate about your characters?

Nah, not really. I like some more than others, but I don’t hate anything about any of them.

5. Which two (or more) of your characters clash the most in personality? Do they ever meet? If they do, what happens?

Out of ALL my characters? Theo and Colm. They’re direct foils.

6. How much of your wip(s) do the people around you know about? Are you planning on letting them know more?

I think people know a lot about Splitsville except for what I call “the big chapters” aka the caps on each character’s arc. But I’ve published Pam’s and we’ve just started Archers, so now the only real secret is how to book ends (aka the ending to Sid’s arc).

I’ve talked less about Down Will Come Baby, but since that’s a script and therefore meant to be seen performed instead of read, nothing about the plot is secret. I don’t consider anything a spoiler.

7. What about history, or which event in history, would you rewrite if it were all fictitious?

I mean. Besides from what I’d consider the obvious stuff? Although I worry that erasing those parts would just mean they’d still happen but at a slightly later time. 

Coincidentally this question is one of the major themes of Down Will Come Baby, with personal history.

8. Which detail in a book you’ve read impressed you the most? Why?

Oh god, I don’t know. TBH I barely ever read. I think the clever use of language in Meddling Kids by Edgar Cantero.

9. Have there been any happy accidents during the writing process or planning process of your wip(s)?

Closest I can think of is this: I wrote a play for my playwriting class that took place during the 80′s. A character quotes Sylvia Plath. Professor tells me that Sylvia Plath, unbeknownst to me, was very popular in the 80′s. Also I had a character play a particular song on the piano and when that stage direction got read, prof made a sound of like approval but also being emotional, so I guess that song accidentally had significance. She commended the song choice. I just thought it was pretty sounding.

10. Are there any motifs in your wip(s)? Why did you include them?

Uhhhhhh I don’t think so. Down Will Come Baby sort of has religious motifs, since Owen is a recent convert who uses them in his art. I kind of want to work a water motif into it to represent baptism, but I don’t think it’ll end up being necessary.

11. An extremely rich and pretentious book collector wants to add your book/wip to their collection. The price they’re offering to buy it at would ensure that you would be able to lead a comfortable life (in every aspect, including nutrition and healthcare) until you inevitably die of old age, but they want all rights and claims to your book/wip. Do you sell it to them? If yes, how would you pitch it to them?

I don’t know. I’m a dummy who doesn’t know enough about the power that would give them. Could they JK Rowling my book and make claims about what is canonical despite not appearing in canon? Or would they just profit off it and have the rights to a film option? I guess not. It’s not like I’m trying to make money off my writing anyways, so I suppose best not to give away all creative control for the sake of money.

Thanks again for the tag! I know I’m supposed to create my own questions and tag people, but it’s 9:30 PM and I haven’t had dinner so I’m gonna go do that. Perhaps I’ll reblog this with that half of the game after I’ve eaten. 

Aster, Baneberries, Beebalm, Common boneset, Daisy, Dendrobium, False goat’s beard, Freesia, Garden cosmos, Glory-of-the-snow, Hoarystock, Lantana, Larkspur, Lavender, Learher flower, Plantain lilies, Ricinus, Sunflower, and Vervain

Aster- What’s one of your favourite quotes?: “i walk through burning thorns with bare feet it’s what i do to be next to you” -e.e.

Baneberries- favourite song: right now i’d say “Short Skirt/Long Jacket” by Cake

Beebalm- do you have a best friend? who?: i have a group of really good friends but i’d say steph is probably my best friend!

Common Boneset- what are you looking forward to: honestly right now i’m liking the idea of chocolate tomorrow

Daisy- what do you feel is your greatest accomplishment: that 96 in physics tbh

Dendrobium- who is the last person you said “i love you” to: my grandma

false goats beard- what is something you are good at: so the thing is i don’t feel like i’m good at anything but i’ll say math and science classes

Freesia- what are 3 good things that have happened in the past month: 1. i’ve finally started to be okay/happy again2. i got new plants and pots for them3. soccer started

Garden Cosmos- How was your day today: it was not bad!

Glory of the Snow- what are ten things that make you happy/that you’re grateful to have in life:1. Tessa Virtue2. Figure skating in general3. poetry4. my plants5. Piano!6. Tchaikovsky 7. Vanilla diet coke8. Linus9. Soccer10. my friends

Hoarystock- what are you proudest of?: i- don’t know. managing to kick ass in physics when i thought i couldn’t do it.

Lantana- what’s the best compliment you’ve ever received: only thing i can think of is when Brettney said i had a nice laugh and then almost immediately accidentally grabbed my butt instead of her orange.

Larkspur- what do you think of yourself?: ha, we don’t talk about this.

Lavender- what’s your favourite thing about yourself: being smart at school.

Leather flower- what’s your least favourite thing about yourself: mental illness baby!

Plantain Lilies- if you could go back in time what is one thing you would stop/change?: i would change a lot but honestly i would stop myself from getting all tangled up in the mess of last spring.

Ricinus- who’s the most important in your life?: Steph, Andrea. Judging by how much my scary dreams about her have disturbed me i have to say Makayla in some sense.

Sunflower- what is something you don’t want to imagine life without?: Stephanie. Playing piano.

Vervain- what’s stressing you out most right now?: School work!!