#absolutely outing myself as a dan and phil fan | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

yonpote · 3 months

Note

another thing is like... under capitalism, business success and wealth begin to alienate you from others who don't have that. and that alienation can feed into greed, like why not keep investing and making business deals and buying expensive stuff? and no one around is really going to call you out because they are either capitalist hacks or maybe people who once struggled who now rely on you.

so like, I don't inherently expect much from creators like dnp who come into money. even though they probably have more financial freedom than many other creators because of all the tours, books, games, etc (because they are good at business!)

so like, as their fans who ultimately are their consumers, I think it's good to call them out, especially because they have shown before that they have good intentions.

am I expecting much from them? no. wealth can be corrupting and speaking out comes with risk to business/career interests. but they have a special relationship with their audience, as we're mostly all fellow queer and neurodivergent people with similar interests. so we can provide feedback and be the ones to try to ground them and be like "hey that wasn't cool please do better." stopping engagement with them and their content entirely doesn't really do anything to help, unless they did something they needed to absolutely be deplatformed for. stopping engagement is a valid personal choice, but when I see stuff that begins to resemble like 'they aren't being activists right now time for everyone to unstan' I'm like... if that makes you feel better, fine, but I would rather parasocially / affectionately be like "hey I expect more from you!" in a way that is constructive. which is something I would want to do with my friends, but the difference is, if my friends didn't change or try to then I probably would distance myself from them. Whereas Dan and Phil are entertainers we don't now irl, we have a different relationship with them. but compared to many other creators, they really do tend to be more sensitive to their audience (which has helped their success).

but so this time the (mostly leftist) phannies calling them out actually got them to do a fundraiser so that's cool! even if it's because of the backlash like, that's what the point of backlash is! we should want people to change behavior. not to just abstractly punish them, for something they could be unlikely to do without pressure. though hopefully it will lead to less instances of having to pressure them.

idk this brings up interesting stuff about parasocial relationships, the transactions between creators and their audience, and capitalism. so of course I had to rant about it for a sec lol.

thats completely true! thank u for the rant lol but yeah i dont want to come across as being like, NEVER EXPECT ANYTHING FROM YOUR FAV CREATORS it was more like, with dnp specifically we know where their heart is i guess so it can be unnecessary to call for whatever. BUT you're absolutely right in that they probably wouldn't have done a charity stream were it not for pressure from fans. and maybe this is ME being parasocial but i'd like to think that this isn't for damage control or performativism (i mean it is a LITTLE cuz any publicity is a little bit abt looking good) but rather like, putting their money where their mouth is basically! and showing to their core audience like hey we care about this thing too and we fully hear you.

i was thinking about this General concept wrt dnp because i think there have been other moments where dnp were called out about something or criticized for like their more offensive humor and they stopped doing that and educated themselves which is better than most creators who put up fakeass apology videos. ive seen a lot of ppl say they want dan to talk about and apologize for his racist and sexist humor (and honestly only asking dan but not bringing up that phil also had his share of racist jokes) but it's like. at this point what further could he say? he's not a 21 year old shit head anymore (and yeah good for you for being a socially aware 21 y/o in 2024 but that offensive humor literally was just the culture of that time period) and they both have SHOWN that they have grown and even talked about it in like the pinof react video where they talked about "yeah we bullied kristen stewart a lot cuz it was just popular to make fun of her and justin bieber and that really sucks that we did that" like they have changed and shown change! they do not need to make a grand apology statement cuz like if you wanna talk performativism then lets talk about the fakeness of basically every apology video on the internet????

sorry thats unrelated to what u were talking abt but it just made me start thinking BUT YEAH THANK YOU FOR YOUR HOT TAKES!!!!

#myrambles

27 notes · View notes

bish-plz-haha · 4 months

Text

I need to vent; another tangent

I'm watching a video that is making me cry.

So there's a video I just found that was made after Dan Howell came out - back in 2019 or whenever it was - and there's a lot of videos online of Dan answering fan questions on live videos between 2013 and 2017 or whatever where people were constantly like "are you gay?". He used to get those a lot. There's also one video from a live where he is talking about how much he didn't like himself - if you know you know. His story when he came out really hit home for me - still does - but my mind completely forgot about the "I hate everything about myself, ask anyone who knows me" thing until I watched this video. Just, thinking back on a lot of that stuff, a lot of shit Dan has said has really hit home for me.

And I would like to say that Dan is a very aesthetically pleasing person to look at. Like he is a very gorgeous human being. And I'm not sure why but it's just really hitting home and just full on punching me in the face that Dan hated himself so much for so long and a lot of it was because of this thing that he had no control over. And through his childhood, he was told that this thing is a bad thing. As a person who has gone through the fear of questioning one's self, I'm thankful that I never dealt with that. I had people who supported me for who I was and never told me that I couldn't be this thing because it was bad. And to see this guy come out of nowhere - just sort of rise out of the ashes - and be like, "I'm here." But still hate himself so much and try to supress a part of himself and yet have all these people just hounding him and pointing out this thing he hates about himself.

As a part of the phandom, I was never one of those people. I will say that with confidence. I just kind of kept to the shadows, as I do today. I didn't care if he was gay, straight, an alien, a worm - my point is it never mattered to me. And it still doesn't matter to me someone's sexuality. But it just hit me tonight, hard, that the incredible Daniel Howell hated himself for so long over something he couldn't control. And people were constantly hounding him about this thing he was trying to hide about himself... and now he's happy. I mean, happy enough to be who he really is. He's been dealing with depression for a long time, I know, but he's able to be here and be queer.

The recent gaming channel videos have been getting me. Dan has been laughing - genuinely laughing. And just being himself. And it brings me a lot of joy. I just really fucking love Dan.

If I ever get a chance to meet @danielhowell I just wanna tell him how proud of him I am. I've been watching Dan and Phil for, god, 10 years now and I remember a lot of these moments that Dan has had on his livestreams. I was there. And it's only now just hitting me. It's been 4, almost 5, years since Dan came out. And as a fan of his: I'm proud.

I'm so very proud of him and his journey to self acceptance. I love Dan so much, and maybe it's because I've related to him a lot in my life, but I absolutely love Dan - and I will say this as many times as I need to. He's an inspiration. And I wish I could tell him.

#dan howell #daniel howell #danisnotonfire #mine #im proud of dan #dan and phil #danisnotinteresting #Dan Howell is an inspiration #i love dan howell #phandom #phan

22 notes · View notes

authorpocketcow · 10 months

Note

saw the smosh ask game but I think I would rather ask. uh. what is the appeal of smosh to you? what makes it special?

oh heck that's a real good question! Long answer ahead.

for me... I started watching Smosh about 11 years ago (possibly 12? for some reason I thought it was like 9 or 10 but it was longer than that), in middle school. A friend of mine was having a sleepover, and one of the other girls was like "oh this is really funny, you gotta watch this YouTube video" ... and I cannot for the life of me remember what video it was. It might have been "Firetruck", or one of the "If [Blank] Were Real" videos. But I thought it was absolutely the funniest thing ever, and we watched several Smosh videos (including Charlie the Drunk Guinea Pig), as well as a couple of other YouTubers who I first got introduced to at that sleepover... like Joey Graceffa, Daniel Howell, Phil Lester, Connor Franta, Troye Sivan, and Tyler Oakley (all of whom I still follow). I went home and, for the very first time, made myself my own YouTube account so I could subscribe to them.

Now, in sixth grade - before all of this - I had my very first major depressive episode. So by the time I started watching these YouTubers, I had already had several depressive episodes. I also had my first major (singular, not ongoing/complex) traumatic event that I could vividly understand in eighth grade. So I was having a real rough time.

I watched a lot of YouTube videos on my own just to distract myself from my own brain and from everything else going on, starting in seventh grade when I had saved up for my very own iPod touch. I watched a lot of stand-up comedy - most of which was not actually appropriate for a 13-year-old - but I also watched a shitton of YouTubers like Smosh, particularly stuff on the second channel, back when it was just "IanH" and a bunch of "Ian is Bored" or "Lunchtime with Smosh" videos (I was replied to on Twitter a couple times during this period and I absolutely lost my mind lol).

Once I hit high school, most of my friends were not into Smosh - they were more into Dan and Phil, Tyler, Joey, etc - but I was still real into them... in high school, I sent them fan art and a letter, and Sohinki opened it ON CAMERA in one of his Mailtime with Sohinki videos (#2, around the 11:40 mark, I was at school when I saw it and literally screeched in the English hallway and started crying, my friends were like "WTF??"). I never got a response to the questions in my letter but I ain't even mad.

So now that I have established how long and how deep my love for Smosh runs... it's time to establish the current vibe.

I never really stopped watching Smosh. I never unsubscribed or stopped following them or anything like that. But Anthony left the same month I graduated high school, and I had already been kinda rizzed by my "friends" (at the time) for still liking Smosh, because they viewed Smosh as being something that kids were into or something like that. So I had kinda been falling out of watching them very much. And it genuinely made me feel sad and left out that I stopped doing something that brought me so much joy, but I kinda just wanted to fit in I suppose. But when Anthony left, I cried. I didn't know what to do. I felt like I had been already losing something that made me happy, and then it was breaking apart and becoming something I didn't remember it being. I don't feel that way about that era anymore, but I remember thinking that at the time.

I got back into Smosh for the most part shortly before Defy shutdown, and then I vividly remember being excited about the tour video of the new office and excited about Rhett and Link buying Smosh. I was part of a Smosh fan Discord group (the SmoshCord, as it is dubbed), and I wrote fanfiction in 2019 (that's still up on my AO3), and I was very into it again. And I felt happy about it.

And then I found out that my now-ex partner liked Smosh, and we watched videos together sometimes, but they are really pessimistic and nitpicky and stuff much of the time, and they don't like certain cast members, and blah blah blah... so sometimes it was really hard to watch the videos with them, and some videos they just refused to watch... they would even criticize the old videos, when I would go back and watch old Game Bang videos or something. I got anxious about it, and I was kinda pulling back for a while, and I left the SmoshCord. I said it was because Discord chats were really overwhelming me for a while and I got anxious, and while that's partly true, it was partially because watching Smosh was making me feel guilty and anxious. I can be a very vulnerable and impressionable person sometimes, and my ex's opinions on certain things were starting to wear me out and weigh me down, but I didn't know how to get them to stop, and I didn't want to talk to people in the SmoshCord about it because I didn't know how to do that either. So I just left. And I didn't watch a lot of Smosh. Or Daniel Howell and Phil Lester. Or really any of the ones that used to bring me joy.

A little while ago, I started getting back into them again. I started by just rewatching old videos by myself again, and then I sometimes watched new videos, but often about a week after they came out. And this became true for many of the YouTubers I used to enjoy, but particularly for Smosh. I kinda missed the start of Angela and Amanda and Arasha and Chase and the other new folks, for the most part, and even Jackie and Tommy, and didn't really know who they were for a while (they did all grow on me rather quickly!)... and then I remember vividly watching that one Arasha deception video a little while ago and it was absolutely one of the funniest new videos I'd ever seen, and that's when I realized I still really loved Smosh, and it still meant a lot to me. Sure, there can definitely be some missed jokes or even entire videos that miss the mark. And I won't ever pretend to be a superfan or anything, and some of the videos or even entire series are not really my cup of tea (potentially unpopular opinion but I don't particularly like Let's Do This lol), but I am really getting back into it, and I am so psyched for all of this to become as important to me now as it used to be, but in a different way. My partner and I split near the end of May, which marked a new chapter for me, and the return of Anthony coming in June meant a new chapter for Smosh too.

...sorry for the rambly answer. Probably way longer than what you intended to get. TL;DR it's a nostalgia thing that has evolved into a genuine, more mature (not mature as in stuck-up and stuffy, obviously) enjoyment of a fun thing that has been fun for a long time in different stages of my life.

#my post #smosh #smoshcord

7 notes · View notes

homo-sex-shoe-whale · 3 years

Text

Online shipping, the fetishisation of gay men, and the romanticisation of queer trauma

An essay by me!

Word count: 2.8k

A link to the Google Doc version of this essay.

A big thank you to my friends Nathan @themeerkatnate, Mav @not-mavv , and Duke @dukedark-ness for reading this essay and giving me their thoughts as mlms on the topic. Make sure to check out their blogs and give them a follow!

So I was on a lovely website by the name of Twitter.com yesterday, just scrolling through while having my afternoon cup of coffee, when I saw that viral post of a girl reading a Larry fanfic through a classroom projector. I'm sure most of you have seen it. It's gone viral on Instagram, TikTok, and likely Tumblr too, and if you haven't come across it I'm positive you will soon.

Now, after getting through my initial reaction to that post which was, holy fuck, that's so embarrassing, I had a second reaction of... wait, this ship is still around?

And after I had some thoughts on the incredible permanence of some online ships and the weird obsolescence of others, I did get to thinking of how lots of these popular ships seem to stem from the same types of perceived relationship dynamics and homophobic stereotypes.

These online fandoms often seem to have an obsession with objects of queer trauma, such as having to hide a relationship, lying about sexuality for self-preservation, and even social rejection. So, after some opinions from my followers and the great archive that is the internet, I've decided to discuss some of the most popular examples of online shipping and the particular nuances they came with.

NOTE: Out of respect for all these people, I won't be sharing viral images or videos of them in perceived romantic proximity (or even kissing, as is applicable for some examples), but I will be describing certain moments I deem to be relevant. So even if you're unfamiliar with them, you won't be confused as to what I'm talking about.

NOTE 2: Although not all people within these fandoms were/are toxic, this essay is focused on the overall toxicity of the fandoms, and how they are toxic more so as a "hive" than as a group of individuals. When I refer to a fandom I don't mean every person involved in the fandom, but rather the collective impact of the group.

1. Harry Styles and Louis Tomlinson

This is arguably the most popular example of online shipping. The absolute permanence of this ship, and how its fandom never seems to fully die off even beyond the lifespan of One Direction as it once stood, is downright impressive.

I'm going to be the first to admit I was never in the loop with this fandom. My childhood best friend was actually a massive Larry shipper and asked me to beta read one of her fics, but that was before I even knew who tf Harry and Louis were! Not because I avoided the fandom or even because I rejected the online shipping, but just by coincidence, I delved into the world of pop punk music right when One Direction began gaining its popularity. I bought my first ever album, Riot by Paramore, in 2011- only a year after One Direction made their X-Factor debut. So, this fandom just bypassed me by a sort of weird coincidence.

But I don't need to be in the loop with this fandom to know the astronomical obsession with these two men, no, these two BOYS, was extremely toxic. In 2010, when One Direction made their debut, Harry Styles was only 16 years old. And Louis Tomlinson wasn't much older at 19! This made the two of them incredibly young when this unprecedented wave of shipping hit the internet, and although that must be traumatising for anyone, I cannot even fathom how overwhelming it must've been for two boys that young.

I'm 18, almost 19 now, and I cannot begin to imagine how scary it was for the two of them to have their every interaction nitpicked within an inch of its life by thousands upon thousands of people online. I do not know this myself, but from numerous recounts by some of my followers, this massively impacted Harry's and Louis' nondescript relationship in real life, seemingly driving the two previously close friends apart.

Now, before we move on, there's something we need to talk about. And that is the obsession with the dominance/submission dynamic within the world of gay shipping.

With almost every popular mlm (an acronym meaning man-loving-man) ship based on real people, it seems that fandoms have a particular fascination with power imbalances in these relationships. You don't even need to look at the insane amount of fanfictions based on BDSM to figure this out. In almost all of the examples I'll be citing today, there is an age gap within the perceived relationship and a person the fandom has seemingly decided to be the top/dominant figure.

Harry Styles and Louis Tomlinson are 3 years apart in age. Although it isn't all that relevant now, an age gap of 3 years when you're in your late teens is a lot more significant. In 2012, for example, when this shipping really started gaining traction, Harry Styles was 18 and Louis Tomlinson was 21. That power imbalance, albeit not that significant, is enough for a fandom to latch on to. We'll see this a lot more in the coming example with Dan and Phil.

2. Dan Howell and Phil Lester

It's impossible to have a discussion about internet shipping without talking about Dan and Phil.

Dan Howell and Phil Lester, although being popular YouTubers individually, are arguably one of the internet's most iconic duos. The two creators published their first videos together in 2009, and while their relationship was already a motive of speculation back then, the peak of the "Phan" shipping definitely came in the 2013-2016 era of Tumblr.

Now, I'm going to admit… I was actually on Tumblr when that happened.

The 2013-2016 period perfectly aligns with my middle school days (I started middle school in 2013 and high school in 2016), and I was not only on Tumblr back then, but I was on Wattpad too! Again, this wasn't a fandom I had much contact with as I had a huge anime phase in middle school and I was on Tumblr posting mainly photography and Soul Eater content more than anything.

But I did watch some of Dan and Phil's videos! And the occasional "Phan" content did not completely evade me as one of my closest friends in middle school had a fanchat for them. I wasn't involved in the fandom myself but they were actually one of the few English-speaking YouTubers I watched once in a blue moon (back then I watched mainly Brazilian YouTubers). One thing I did in fact notice over the years, around 2014ish perhaps, was that the two of them seemed to grow increasingly "awkward" around each other, in a way that many folks on the internet thought was reminiscent to Markiplier/Jacksepticeye, two YouTubers who also dealt with extraordinary amounts of shipping.

I'm not the only one who thinks this. The change in Dan and Phil's relationship, at least to the outside world, was clear to almost anyone who watched their videos for a while. I cannot blame them at all. The shipping was nuts. Between the countless fan videos, speculative comments, and insurmountable number of fanfics, there's no way the two of them didn't feel the weight of the shipping. The term "demon phannie" made its way into internet vernacular and there it stayed for years. Even Shane Dawson, who was one of the largest creators on the platform at the time, made several videos speculating on the nature of Dan and Phil's relationship and their sexual orientations.

There was even porn made in which actors with similar appearances to the creators were made to have sex on camera.

Now, this is actually a rare example where the two people involved in the ship actually came out as gay once the shipping seemed to die down. I'm incredibly happy Dan and Phil both reached a point where they were comfortable being publicly out, but I hate to say I'm shocked this day ever came. If I'd gone through what the two of them did, I don't know if I'd ever trust the internet.

And again, this ship's fandom definitely had an obsession with the power dynamics they thought existed between the people within the ship. Dan Howell is 4 years younger than Phil Lester, and was only 18 in 2009, when they started making videos together. From my personal understanding, the shipping was often quite focused on this dominant/submissive dynamic especially in discussions from their early relationship. And this is in no way exclusive to Dan and Phil.

This general fascination with the older man/younger man dynamic, in my opinion, plays into the homophobic stereotype that gay men are predators. The idea that gay men usually seek younger men, and somehow "convince" them to engage in homosexual relationships, is popular homophobic rhetoric. The popularisation, exaggeration, and fetishisation of these power imbalances, in age and/or in relationship dynamics, is directly harmful to the mlm community.

Not only that, but the romanticisation of a "hidden/forbidden relationship" is also detrimental not only to gay men and the mlm community, but to queer people as a whole. Queer people face huge trauma having to hide their relationships; queer attraction is already a societal taboo. And acting like this is good, or even desirable, is harmful to queer people as a whole, regardless of whether or not it's actually applicable to the people being shipped. It normalises this trauma not only to cisgender, heterosexual people, but to impressionable queer youth who grow to believe this type of trauma is to be expected.

3. Frank Iero and Gerard Way

This is another example where the perceived power imbalances between the two subjects of the shipping were directly exploited online. Now, this ship did precede the others mentioned above. If we're looking at this topic chronologically, this particular ship did come first in the shipping timeline. It's closer to the origin of the shipping extended universe, if you will.

In case you aren't familiar with them, Frank Iero and Gerard Way are both members of the American emo band My Chemical Romance. This ship is the first one here of which I don't recall the full popularity. It really peaked in popularity around the late 2000s, circa 2008. And I don't remember this moment online as in 2008, I was only 6 years old and believe it or not, I wasn't really all that concerned with rumoured homoeroticism as a first grader.

However, the popularity of this ship did carry over into the 2013-2015 Tumblr shipping boom. The emo fandom (or "bandom" as it was called) involving not only My Chemical Romance but other similar bands such as Fall Out Boy, Panic! At The Disco, and Pierce the Veil, found its hub on Tumblr.

During this time, I did in fact listen to this style of music, but was focused a lot more on the anime side of Tumblr as mentioned earlier. Of course, I wasn't 13 years old like, "hey, this type of content might be harmful and can inadvertently perpetuate homophobic stereotypes," I just happened to care more about my silly little anime and ended up not getting involved.

This ship does involve a discussion that the others don't, however. With Frank Iero and Gerard Way, there is quite often a certain sentiment of, "Oh, they brought this upon themselves!" as the two band members very famously kissed during a show in 2007. In my opinion, though, this doesn't really justify all the obsessive shipping. If you look at Green Day, a band often grouped in with MCR as another famous pop punk group, the members don't follow too different of a trajectory. Billie Joe Armstrong has, on numerous occasions, kissed both of his fellow band members onstage- particularly Tré Cool, the drummer. And Billie Joe Armstrong is openly bisexual, which none of the members of MCR seem to be but some, or even all of Billie's bandmates, are too.

You'd think Green Day would face a lot more shipping as the more persistent onstage homoeroticism and Billie Joe's openness about his sexuality would warrant more "substantiated" speculation. However, Green Day faces nowhere near as much shipping as My Chemical Romance. Why is this? I actually don't know. It might've been because Green Day has been around for over a decade longer and generally has an older fandom, but I really am not that sure.

It could also be because of the lower lack of potential for forced relationship dynamics. The members of Green Day are all less than a year apart in age and are even similar in height. However, Frank Iero is 4 years younger than Gerard Way, who is not only the frontman of My Chemical Romance, but also considered to be the group's intellectual and creative "leader". Even beyond that, Gerard Way is quite visibly taller, and the perceived power difference between the two of them definitely did not elude their fans.

This difference could even be partly due to the lack of a "mystery" with Green Day. There's not as much to speculate as, well… the members of Green Day are already open about their sexual orientations. It might be that shipping in the Green Day fandom has less of a forbidden appeal for most people.

Of course, I won't just keep repeating myself, but my previous points about forced relationship dynamics still stand.

4. Martin Freeman and Benedict Cumberbatch

Better known for their roles in BBC Sherlock as Sherlock and Watson, Martin Freeman and Benedict Cumberbatch unfortunately had their roles follow them well into real life. This is the example I know least about, so have these thoughts from a follower by the name of @indubitably-a-goblin, who had the following to say:

"the main issues i had with it were:

a) they were both married at the time, freeman to amanda abbington and cumberbatch to sophie hunter (in which both had children)

b) the main reasoning for it was their chemistry in the many projects they've done together. which is, shockingly, their Whole Job. They're actors! That's what they're supposed to do! if they weren't good at interacting then they wouldn't be good actors! i don't know how people can't understand this.

c) they're real people. we don't know them. we aren't friends with them. we aren't their family members. we have zero right to be pushing this onto them and ruining their friendship by doing so. (this one relates to most of the ships you've mentioned though)

d) healthy friendships between two men are ignored so plainly in most medias and in fandom. its obvious that these two men have a relationship, but that doesn't mean it's a romantic one.

e) its fine to ship their characters, but actors shouldn't be treated as less-than-human or some sort of prop. they're doing a job, and once they are off-screen, they aren't here for your entertainment."

I believe she did a great job of summing it up on her own, and for the sake of avoiding redundancy, I'll leave it at that!

5. Corpse Husband and Sykkuno- an emerging yet subtle example

I am absolutely positive you remember how popular the game Among Us was a couple of months ago. And with the popularity of this game, some of its most prominent content creators became the targets of online shipping- as is the case with YouTubers and streamers Corpse Husband and Sykkuno.

Although the shipping involving these two creators is nowhere near as strong as it was/is with the examples above, I do think there is once again a reemergence of a common theme here. Whilst Sykkuno is known for his happy-go-lucky, almost "innocent" persona, Corpse Husband is the antithesis of this, known for his much darker and moodier personality.

Do I even have to mention what the common theme seems to be?

Again, although the popularity of shipping - at least with real people - seems to have died down a bit since the Tumblr shipping boom of the early to mid 2010s, I do believe this example is worth mentioning. Even though the creators are still close, they have in fact expressed discomfort regarding the shipping, and I can only hope the internet as a whole lets their friendship blossom and exist naturally without obsessive speculation.

My final thoughts

As explored in the essay:

The romanticisation of objects of queer trauma as a part of online shipping normalises queer trauma to both cishet and queer youth.

Online shipping, especially at a high intensity, can end up negatively impacting the very relationships they pine over.

The relationship dynamics often forced on mlm ships perpetuate homophobic stereotypes about non-heterosexual men.

If anyone else has thoughts on this matter, do share! This essay is moreso an opinionated observational piece and isn't meant to be taken as fact but rather just as my thoughts on the matter. I hope it was useful as a reflective piece regardless!

Date of posting: June 16th 2021

#lgbt #lgbtq #gay #mlm #I cannot believe I said the phrase 'shipping extended universe'

439 notes · View notes

daydadahlias · 3 years

Note

Yeah I think discussing morality in rpf is such a fascinating yet difficult conversation to have (especially for me personally as someone who three years ago would have said all rpf is immoral as a blanket statement and now look at one of my main hobbies being writing it lol). I both love and hate the fact that there are no real, hard-and-fast rules everyone agrees to because on the one hand it can lead to great conversations and a more complex fandom environment, but it also creates a kind of tension both in between people and within individuals (I know i've had moments where I've been like, ok, would it be better to approach this subject in one way or another considering that this is rpf and not based off of ocs or other people's characters). In my mind what it comes down to at the end of the day is both an individual author's reason for writing rpf and also how they view writing as a whole, both things that are impossible to judge from the outside and need to be determined by the writer themselves. I know both of these answers are, for me, at odds with the answers many other authors in this fandom would give (including you lol) but in some ways I enjoy that fact because it gives me multiple different perspectives on this sort of thing and also no one i actively know has crossed a line i find irredeemable (although what that line is is of course a complicated thing i'm not sure I could define myself, and based on the way I consume rpf I'm not even sure I'd be aware if someone did). At the same time part of me doesn't want to dive too deep into this discussion because of the fear of 'what if I am in the wrong here and I should just throw in the towel entirely', but I think i'm in too deep at this point to not consider this sort of thing (although I completely understand why some people are not interested in this kind of conversation!) Anyways this is getting really ramble-y and probably stopped making sense halfway through so I'll stop here, I just saw your post and thought it was an interesting topic of convo 😅

Hold on, I'm gonna ramble too.

These are fantastic points you've made!! And very well said.

This is a conversation I have often and one I definitely don't mind having considering the nature of it. I'm not going to say I feel as though I have to "defend" myself on why I choose to write rpf opposed to other fanfiction but I do think it deserves an explanation (especially irl because I'm very open about being a smut writer irl). And it makes complete sense to me why some people are so averse to it entirely as a genre.

I don't have any problem with people disliking rpf and I totally get why they do. But I also have completely understandable reasons for writing it; for instance, the level of character depth that's there to write from.

I agree with you too on this point of previously being so against it and now doing it in my free time as a main hobby. My initial dislike of rpf stemmed from my first interaction it being with Phan (Dan/Phil) when I was in middle school. I disliked rpf (and yeah, sure, said shitty stuff in private about the people that wrote it) because of the way it was being so forced on the people it was about. And I still stand by that being totally not okay. I think that's one of the few hard lines that rpf should have: don't fucking attack the subjects you're writing about with it.

For instance (and I've said this a lot lol and will continue to say it because I believe in it so heavily), if 5sos came out and said, "Hey, we are uncomfortable with slash fiction being written about us," I would delete everything on my ao3 page without a second thought. But as it stands, they're well aware it exists and choose not to interact with it (except for passing jokes) and since the slash community is so small, no one is trying to actually say any of the 5sos guys are dating one another. Because, y'know, they're absolutely not. It gets really messy when people start to perceive rpf as canon and not just the fantasy that it is.

I rest easy writing 5sos fanfic knowing that none of the guys are actually in love with each other and have completely platonic relationships (even if I, and most other people, make jokes about how homoerotic those relationships are). I wouldn't write anything about couples that I thought even had an inkling of genuine romantic attraction towards each other.

I agree so strongly with what you've said here: "it comes down to at the end of the day is both an individual author's reason for writing rpf and also how they view writing as a whole, both things that are impossible to judge from the outside and need to be determined by the writer themselves," because I really so do agree with that. And that's why - while I'm loud as fuck - I don't openly talk about,,, the moral ramifications of rpf. Because I know my boundaries with it are so different than others. And it's why I'd never try to say my specific boundaries with rpf are right; they're not. I don't really think anyone's are. Because this is all entirely subjective. And I don't think certain writers/people are wrong for viewing it in different ways. I know I sure as hell aren't right.

But to your point, because it is so individual, it definitely conflicts with how I interact with certain people in my individual experience. Like, if you and I have majorly different perspectives on rpf, chances are I'm not going to feel comfortable around you and we can't be friends. Which I don't think should be a hot take. If you make me feel unsafe, why would I spend time in your presence, you know? Not you specifically of course, anon, but the metaphorical you.

But I personally have very strong moral beliefs and I'm not willing to compromise them (obviously though, I'll listen to reason and adjust my perspectives as needed or as I become more informed but with something as subjective as this, I don't think my stance is anything outlandish).

I don't want to be close with someone who thinks it's okay to write intimate portrayals of canon irl relationships (ie. smut about lierra). I don't want to be close with someone who wants to write any irl people harming other irl people (ie. depictions of band members assaulting/abusing each other) when those spaces could easily be filled by an OC. I don't want to be close with someone who thinks any of the ships are real. I don't want to be close with someone who writes PWP in which the guys are just used as fleshlights and dildos with no personalities.

Or, if I am close with them, I want them to know that is something that makes me uncomfortable and that's not going to change.

But this is all just based on my individual feelings on the matter and those feelings aren't informed by educational sources or anything. Which is why I'd never be like "listen to me and my perspective, I'm informed about this subject!! I'm right!!" Because I'm not. This is just how I personally feel.

#pigeon #thank you for sending this in!!#i think this is really well said and I enjoyed reading it!!!#i do like having this conversation although I feel it can often devolve quickly when people don't want to hear the other perspective #or feel like they dont have to explain themselves #jessay #im tagging this as a jessay bc i feel like this is so long I'm sorry lmfao #rpf #rpf is Messy with a capital m

11 notes · View notes

straggy-luvs-u · 3 years

Note

okay i'm not sure when you became a dnp fan but i'll ask this anyways lol

i'm a kind of new dnp fan (last year) so i wasn't around for BIG/COTY, so i'm taking a poll of the people who were around for it (this is purely morbid curiosity btw). what was your reaction/the phandoms reaction on your end when the videos first dropped? thank you 💕

hi there! ok so first of all when i saw that notification my heart literally dropped and i’ve never been the same since 😌 i still have the screenshots of the notifications from each one saved because um wow 💖💞💘✨💕🌸

so dan’s came out first and it was this 45 minute video that Had So Much Stuff in it and watching it was a really emotional experience for me. i still remember exactly where i was when i watched it and i definitely cried a few times.

it felt extremely surreal, because it was something we had all made so many assumptions on, but never thought he himself would address. i wasn’t on any social media back then because my (extremely brand new) personal instagram, so i had absolutely no idea or suspicion that he was going to do anything soon, especially something that big (pun :|) so i was just absolutely floored when i saw the notification that dan. daniel howell. had posted a video. called “Basically I’m Gay” like i literally like. my heart truly dropped

at that point i had started lurking on some dnp instagrams in my explore page so i’d know when one of them tweeted something interesting so when i saw phils tweet in response to dan i was like -&:2&49;8/!;&44

and then phils video dropped and i was no more prepared than when dan’s did 🤩 i literally cannot express how surreal it all felt, but it felt so lovely knowing that they could finally just be normal and it have to hide things anymore. watching phil’s video was also very emotional for me, and it really is a very heartwarming video that always makes me smile.

both videos are very important to me, and i’m so grateful they both did that. i relate to each one of them in a different way, and they both hold a special place in my heart :))) i was really truly thinking about them for so long after and tbh sometimes i really have to like pinch myself to make sure i’m actually in the timeline i think i am

so basically: my reaction was an overwhelming sense of appreciation, love and like. shock and also relief 🥰💖✨🌸💘💞

#i simply love them 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺#like an overwhelming amount #asks #anon

10 notes · View notes

allthephils · 4 years

Note

part 1: so i've always had issues with being an older viewer because i have no self esteem. phil's latest video kinda hit me over the head with it again. at the end when he says you're valid, there is love for you and it'll get better? i feel like there is no way he is talking to me. and i've always felt that way. that this is not my space, that i don't belong. (aside from also not thinking that there is love for me and that it will get better because no) i'm always on the outside looking

part 2: in in all aspects of my life. how do you think phil and dan really feel about older people interacting with their content? how have you dealt with these feelings, if you've had them. thank you, i appreciate you.

Hello anonymous friend,

I’m really glad you feel safe enough on my blog to talk about this. I’m sorry self esteem is such a struggle. This culture we live in is pretty terrible at creating community and allowing people to feel whole. And it’s even worse at allowing human beings to be human, especially as we age. We aren’t supposed to stay passionate and vibrant and joyful, we’re supposed to skulk away and disappear, quiet down. We just aren’t marketable, we aren’t profitable. I blame capitalism and misogyny but I blame those for everything.

I don’t think Dan and Phil fully realize the breadth of their appeal. They were shocked that their fans were in their late twenties. Imagine if they knew how many are a decade or two beyond that? I truly believe they’d embrace us though. I think they are constantly baffled by their impact and I imagine it would be just one more aspect of that. I know they are proud of what they do for all of us. Phil takes his influence very seriously. Yes, he was addressing his younger audience in the last video. But that’s because he knows the difference it can make to hear just one respected voice say “you are going to make it. You are worthy. You will be loved.” The earlier the better. I have no doubt that he wants us all to take whatever we can from his videos, at whatever stage we are at.

I felt self conscious about being here for quite some time. It all goes back to this narrative that our usefulness has somehow run out after 30. What an absolute farce. This space is for me. I feel welcome here and this place meets needs that aren’t met anywhere else. I hope I give back as much as I get. And I know when to take a break or pull back. Do I still feel weird about it sometimes? totally. Do I feel like shit for just a moment when someone insults older fans? Of course. But I remind myself that the socially acceptable entertainment for a person my age is no less odd and arguably less healthy in the regard that there is no supportive community around them. Should I watch the bachelor or real housewives? Would that be more palatable? Why is that? Should I be less queer, less thirsty, less joyful about the things I love? I just refuse to do that. And yes it’s takes courage. And maybe it seems an odd place to spend courage but it’s about being true to yourself, enjoying your life while you’re here, and not allowing a patriarchal, profit obsessed culture to strip you of pleasure and fun. It’s bigger than Dan and Phil.

One step at a time dear anon, take care of you. You deserve to make yourself happy. Now especially. I rejected the idea of finding love again. I was so exhausted and I just wanted to spend that energy on me. I was dating my self. (I do not love, I howl at the moon and collect secrets in my mane) but sometimes life surprises you and you get to feel the sweetest things. If you want love, I hope you find it but know that you can be whole without it. And I hope you get it from yourself first. I’m here if you need to talk. 🖤 You belong here.

#anon #ask #long post #not phil though i think he’d approve #I do not love I howl at the moon and collect secrets in my mane #thats not mine #its a quote from a twitter feminist and im not on twitter so i cant remember her name :(

69 notes · View notes

hellsprite · 3 years

Text

hi, I’ve had some wine, it’s 2am and I’m rewatching Phil’s Moving Out - Keep it or Yeet It video. Is this my favorite Phil video ever? Maybe! I laughed throughout this vid in a real way - not just like a hehe funnie :p but real, serious laughter. Here’s some notes.

WE’re MOVING

Phil ‘discovering’ the basket of seemingly random but perfect for a video items is so dumb but at least he’s like “I knew it was there!!!!!!” love this growth

Like a shameful………… lover

god i love phil

Vibrating Sloth, Put It On Your Back Like A Sloth Friend

Naked Man Apron — countdown to Phil saying 9-pack oh he said it

Koala souvenir pic, historic!

Spon Break

Okay we’re back, what’s next? OH. It’s THESE. It’s….. Like……. A Million….. photo booth photos……………………………………………. of me and Dan :)

Okay so this part where Phil acknowledges Dan’s sexiness is so cathartic like… YEAH!!! We know! You Know! Phil, you really know. And a line was crossed and we’re here now. Phil casually and jokingly mentioning that his bf is hot is something we have not seen outside of dailybooths and formsprings so uhhh yeah, I guess you could say I’m pretty happy.

god phil is also hot, btw

mad at these pajamas very mad, ew

Phil and Katya interact tiny hands challenge — i’m manifesting

Mysterious Hard Drive - Love this, can’t wait to see more

2 videos 1 picture

Okay

He’s concerned

OKAY

Okay listen, Phil really seems confused about what this video is, even after he sees Dan in the mirror, his face is still like scrunchy and puzzled but he also keeps filming and keeps talking like he absolutely knows there is nothing shady happening, because please. But I think he’s also like ‘but where am I if Dan’s there?’

And then he sees himself and he figures it out and hey, remember how Phil is really not a good actor? This ain’t acting. But it is very cute, A+ narrating and mystery solving.

I laughed so hard at that fucking styrofoam chair because i KNOW this is something they have mentioned in passing but like it’s not something that I think about on the regular so I can’t tell you when or where I heard them talk about it but anyway. When I saw it I was like, “OH THAT CHAIR HAAHAHAHA” like I was in on the joke. Love this.

omfg

person juice

FUCK that’s so god damn funny and dark person juice are you kiddin me

p.s. did I just google the word juice to make sure i was spelling it correctly because i looked at it too long? yes!

Chopsticks from the CHOPstick Challenge, another favorite video of mine.

Fan Edition CAH: oh we’re starting out with a gaping something ;). Pete Wentz and Harry Styles. Meaty Legs. The End!

I am dying over that crystal looking exactly like a lil chicken breast. I never noticed in videos and never read comments so this was news to me and the reports were TRUE AND WELL-RESEARCHED.

Okay. First of all, I need to know how old Phil was when he bought this gelly foot bath for his own MOTHER. Because I think it was probably only a year ago. Second of all, Queen Kath was like ‘...uhhhhhhhhh yeah no, thanks though’ which is absolutely correct.

I am laughing so hard at this foot bath, how silly!

Remember going on holiday????

Dan and Phil play suck and blow

Dan acting like there’s anyone else on earth in normal times, let alone during a pandemic.

“If you’re using the spa with a friend, why not ask them to pamper…..” Dan’s not having it, and I get that

Pause for maybe the only real ASMR moment Phil or Dan has ever inserted into their videos - not my thing particularly, but I appreciate the focus on the squishy sounds without the added and overdone harsh whisper mocking ASMR — hi, I’m hellsprite and I’m here to talk to you today about the dangers of ridiculing healthy and harmless coping mechanisms. In this essay I will —

Phil is having so much fun

Dan saying this is the most upsetting thing he has done or seen this year is a lie because he did see Phil in those fake beards and I for one have not forgiven that.

Blurred feet, unblurred feet — blurred feet sexier hehehehehe

Phil found his groove, and also just figured out what toenail clipper looks like????? WAIT

Does Phil not automatically know what a toenail clipper looks like? WHY Would he say, “I thought it was a hair clipper tee hee *giggle*” WHATTTT I am very confused by this. I could blindfold myself, touch a pair of shears in one hand an a toenail clipper in the other and know exactly which was which without hesitation. I’m mad again.

“WHY DID YOU BUY IT!!!!” — Dan, asking the real questions. Kath co-signs.

Okay we’re going around the apartment now and keeping or yeeting……… plants, basically.

Oh wait it’s not just plants, I’m so cynical!!! Bye & Sign! Bye red puzzle (?) mirror! Bye Hulk! Bye Iron Man!

Their peace lily does look glossy and perky and lovely.

Bye yoga ball!

Bye Entire Room of Boxes??? Do you know how much money I would pay to see inside of those boxes??????????????????? Like 10 bucks max!!! ugh

Quick reminder in the outro that Phil is very cute!!

#phan #i loved this video i laughed and laughed

9 notes · View notes

ahappydnp · 5 years

Note

can you yell about dan and phil being lovely humans possibly? :)

Oh, HELL YEAH!

I don’t even know where to begin with those two. Every time I think “This is the thing that proves just how wonderful they truly are”, they go and one up themselves. I’m consistently blown away by their generosity, thoughtfulness, and consideration.

To start off with, the fact that they are in a prime position to monetarily take advantage of their audience but actively chose not to. They did everything in their power to make sure the tour prices were reasonable. The VIP prices were some of the lowest I’ve ever seen, and the fact that it wasn’t just a ‘smile and wave, picture, leave’ situation...the fact that they gave their full attention to each and every person, doing multiple poses/pictures, being genuinely grateful?? Are you kidding me??? They could have easily charged $500+ for that kind of experience. They could push out far more merch, they could slap their name on anything without even looking at it and it would be moderately successful. But they’re not those kind of people. They’re the kind of people who put forth effort and care into literally everything they do. (I’m still absolutely speechless over them using their own money for Manila. That speaks volumes about the kind of people they are)

The way they treat their audience with such care and patience is astounding. A few months ago, several people shared their meet and greet stories from ii and the running theme was how comfortable they felt around dnp and how much consideration they put into the experience. From figuring out everyone’s personal boundaries and physically making themselves less intimidating, to comforting those who were emotional and overwhelmed, they were careful and kind. People say they don’t let go from a hug until you do. They say it’s like they know how badly some people need it, and just how much it means to them. One story that really resonated with me was the anon who said they were the first men they weren’t scared to touch after they had a traumatic event. That’s incredible.

Even online, they treat us like equals. They have jokes with us, they get excited to tell us things. It feels real. It’s not faking a friendship (like other creators) or pretending we mean something to them that we don’t; there’s still that definitive line that separates us as audience members, which I respect. They don’t manipulate the relationship they have with us. It’s refreshing to see creators who are open about where they stand with their audience.

Like Phil reminded us in DML2, we only know a tiny fraction of what’s going on. Rest assure there’s probably so much good they do that we’ll never know about. Because they don’t announce it. They don’t talk about the charities they donate to or the work they do in private, but I have a feeling it’s substantial.

Overall, they are indeed lovely people. They’re people I’m proud to call myself a fan of. They’re people I get excited to show others. I’ve been in fandom spaces for a looong time, and I’ve never experienced anything like what Dan and Phil have with us. They’re good dudes, and I love them to pieces.

#anon ask #waffle #im at work so this will probably be 40% word vomit #but its something thats important to me #good eggs #phan #dnp #dan and phil

148 notes · View notes

alittledizzy · 4 years

Note

So I've followed you for a long time, I don't really care that much about Dan and Phil, but I can't bring myself to unfollowing you :) But seeing that question about husbands, I want to ask: not taking shipping into consideration, do you really think they are a couple or not? I know they want privacy, but I jus still don't know if they are together or not. (I'm not a troll or anything, I would just like to know what a fan thinks)

Oh, yeah, they’re together. Dan confirmed it in his coming out video. He talked about meeting Phil in 2009 and it being more than ‘just’ romantic and then referred to them as soulmates and companions through life. They’ve been together for eleven years and lived together for almost nine. There is absolutely, unequivocally, zero doubt in my mind that they are a long term committed couple. He said that he understands people want to know more about their relationship but that he and Phil want to keep their private life private.

I think the only reason anyone would ever look at their situation and doubt that they’re together is precisely because they had an internet fanbase shipping them, and people are just trained to be dismissive of things that an audience (perceived to be) majority women and young women are interested in. But that worked in Dan and Phil’s favor because it gave them the plausible deniability they needed in the years before they were/Dan was ready to come out.

#anon asks #phan asks #Anonymous

45 notes · View notes

silentdescant · 4 years

Note

4 and 25? :) (absolutely love your phanfics btw you're very talented!!)

Aw, thank you so much!!!

4. 🎮- Favorite DAPG video? why?

I find myself rewatching Mark of Oxin very regularly, actually! I love that it's basically the first game Phil made, and he's since grown into a successful game maker, and they're both such tabletop and video game nerds. I love that Phil's sharing something with Dan, not just with the internet. I love Dan's genuine reactions, how he's surprised and amused and at times bored or frustrated, but still impressed. I love that he's shocked by the twist. I love that Phil tries to guide him and hint at what he should do, and confirm that he doesn't need to sniff every wall for secrets, and even point out his own mistakes.

Also I love Bubble Bobble because it's just very chill and sweet, even though Dan is a lying liar because they definitely played it before at Phil's house, because I love all the nostalgia it brings up, and I LOVE when Phil is teaching Dan something new to him. (Dan somehow made it feel very honest that he's never played before, I still love it.) And Rainbow Island because it's even more sweet and also very gay, lol. And I like whenever Dan points out that he's shit at something and Phil is better at it because their competitiveness means that doesn't happen often, lol.

25. 👕- Favorite Dan or Phil outfit?

This is SO HARD. Sorry Phil, but I like Dan's clothes a whole lot more, and also I can't choose, so here's a few favs off the top of my head.

First of all, this sweater. He wore it a bunch and this isn't my fav shot but I love it a lot. It looks very expensive but also clean and a little ~edgy and ~interesting and I love that for him.

I love him in ripped jeans all the time. These are a couple of my fav pics.

The Sexual Fantasies sweater is just. Yeah. I like it more for the knowledge that it's expensive and cozy and he likes wearing it without pants than the actual look of it.

This other vetements look, however, I'm 100% here for. I could only find pics of him wearing this in livestreams so here's the lovely moment that Phil modeled it instead, and anyway I just love that Dan buys expensive clothes but then WEARS THEM CONSTANTLY. The whole skinny jeans with oversized sweater and chunky shoes look is an aesthetic I've loved on many people and it makes me selfishly happy that Dan was/is into that too.

I LOVE THE STRIPES, I unironically love the stripes. Not all the stripes, though. There were a few tops that I wasn't into, but this one, I'm HERE FOR IT, and honestly I'm into any oversized thing that he wears because I love how it hangs off his shoulders and I love how it usually gives us peaks at his collarbones and I love how it often gives us sweater paws and in this particular pic, like with the Sexual Fantasies one, I love how much he enjoys wearing sweaters basically as dresses with lots of bare thigh on display (not that we often get a chance to see it).

Plus omg he looks so soft and sweet in that pic.

Okay, shut up, I've been a fan since like 2010, of course I'm nostalgic for the fucking adorable monster hoodie. I love when Dan lets himself be childish and cute and the fact that he brought this hoodie back a few times on the gaming channel made me really happy.

DAN'S REALLY CUTE OKAY AND I MISS HIS FACE AND HIS FASHION.

Ask me things!

#dan howell #phil lester #anonymous #ask #ask meme

4 notes · View notes

madzilla84 · 4 years

Text

VidCon London 2020

I wrote up some rambly thoughts on Vidcon, my trip, and Phil day!

I arrived in London the night before the others, last Thursday (a week ago?? WOT), so went straight to my friend’s place in London – we went to a pub near his for pizza, and while I was there I saw Dan’s cute tweet. After a few wines, it made me super emotional as you can imagine. I love him. <3

We had some more drinks once we got back, which made the next morning … well.

Friday – Day 1

YUP, HANGOVER. But luckily not a ‘can’t function’ hangover, so once I’d packed up I made my way over to the Airbnb (it was fuckin WIMDY) to leave the luggage (too early to check in). The previous occupants were a group of Lads who’d left the place in a state, so it was still being cleaned. HONESTLY BOYS SMH)

Then I headed to the complex’s on-site café (ooh errr) and spent some time trying to figure out what to write in the card I wanted to give to Phil. My roomies @yikesola, @ahappydnp and @calvinahobbes arrived a little later and we checked into the flat, and basically hung out and chatted until it was time to head to registration. Which was a good decision as the line was super small on Friday night. Gotta say, the feeling of seeing Phil so big and so central on all the banners and posters for the con made me feel so proud of him. As other people have mentioned, there was some – curiosity, I guess? Worry? – about whether it would be weird seeing him there doing his first event like this on his own in a *very* long time, but somehow it wasn’t, at any point.

We spotted Martyn checking in further down the hall, which was probably the first moment it all started to Feel Real. We (slightly awkwardly at first in my case lol) met a bunch of online folks in the registration area, and tagged along for a cable car ride over the river (did I mention it was WIMDY) to the O2 arena for dinner. When we all sat down to eat I realised I was sitting opposite two friends from IDB! \o/ We headed back after the meal to hang out and PREPARE for what was about to come.

Saturday - Day 2 - PHIL DAY

We started off by going for breakfast – naturally pancakes – and then headed across to the con. The first event of the day was the comedy panel that Phil was on, so we went across to the panel room early and ended up sitting through the panel before that one, ‘Out and Online’, which was probably – Phil notwithstanding – the better of the two I saw.

During that first panel – and really all morning up to that point – I’d started to feel increasingly nervous. I’d never met Dan or Phil before, and the fact it was happening imminently was suddenly hitting me. Not to mention it was very hot in the panel room that day, and – yeah. By the time the LGBT+ panel finished, I was just like the *screaming internally* meme.

The only other time I’d seen D&P in person with my own eyes was at Interactive Introverts – non-VIP, and I was quite far from the stage, so I couldn’t see them well, y’know? So when the panellists walked in for the comedy panel, I turned around and saw Phil properly in person for the first time. And… wow. I’m sure I hardly need to tell anyone on this forum how attractive he is, but I was just blown away by how beautiful he is in person. He just seems to, like, glow.

And I was absolutely in love with his jacket, which I thought was new at first (it took me a while to place it was the one from the II promo photos). He just looked wonderful, and I went full Heart Eyes Motherfucker as he took his seat with the others. And once I’d actually seen him, somehow I felt less anxious and stressed.

The panel was okay – I wasn’t familiar with the other attendees and I’m not sure theirs is the sort of content I’d necessarily watch – lots of prank vids and the like, but they def had some fans in the room. But it was obvious the majority of the attendees were there for Phil, and I noticed him looking around the room at all the people there for him throughout, making eye contact with lots of people. I’m sure he made brief eye contact a couple of times, which made me go !!!!! It was obvious the panelists were at quite different stages of their careers, which was a little dissonant sometimes, but also quite sweet – Phil was very encouraging to the younger, more inexperienced members of the panel, which was very lovely. Lucky them to have such a kind senpai.

After that we only had a quick break (mainly to down water after being boiled to death in the panel room) before it was time to get in line for Phil’s meet and greet. The wait for him to arrive was weirdly fast but also interminably long, and I spent most of it panicking about what I was going to say to Actual Phil Lester in a matter of minutes.

But soon enough he arrived, shook hands with the photographer, did a lil hop to wave to everyone in the crowd who was waving at him, and then off we went.

I wasn’t sure what to expect – I’ve had pics before with celebs at conventions, and every con is different in how they handle photos. Some really rush you through, but this one was pretty good, I thought – you had plenty of time to say whatever you wanted to say, or give gifts – I thought we were supposed to leave them in a box somewhere, but no, we were to give them directly to Phil, who had a little table to put them on. Obviously I wanted to give him a hug, too, but would I be too awkward to ask for one once I actually got up there, I wondered?

But as it turned out I needn’t have worried; I could watch people meeting him from where we were in the line, and from the very first person, he opened his arms for a big hug from everyone who went up to meet him. Watching people running into his arms was making me really emotional – he just has such a great connection with his people. You could tell he was happy to be there and liked meeting us all. He took so many cute photos with people. We noticed he had a Sharpie and was signing things, which we hadn’t been told about beforehand, so I hadn’t brought anything special - ended up getting him to sign my con badge as a souvenir.

There were 3 of us, and @yikesola took one for the team and volunteered to go first. I watched how much fun they were having, how easily they chatted and hugged and posed for their cute photo and thought to myself, please don’t be a total buffoon when you go up there…

Soon enough it was my turn. Walking up for these things is always nervewracking and awkward – except this time, once it was time, Phil turned around, looked at me, smiled and opened his arms and I knew it would be okay.

I walked over and hugged him, and he probably had to bend down quite a lot, lol. I reached up over his shoulder to hug him, which meant being on tiptoes, of course; as many people have said in the past, he didn’t let go until you did. He was so gentle. <3 I maybe hugged him for a little longer than I might usually with someone I didn’t know because of it; he just has such comforting and welcoming vibes. And no, before anyone asks, I didn’t notice what he smelled like – we were talking about it after and I don’t think any of us did. I don’t in general unless someone’s wearing reasonably strong perfume/cologne, I don’t think, unless I’m hugging them for a really long time. ANYWAY.

The now-famous jacket (which looked so good!!) was soft AF. I handed over my lil gift – he spotted the chocolate and was pretty happy about that.

I then had a little time to talk to him but, like, how do you condense into a few seconds what someone means to you, how much they’ve helped you or how much you appreciate them? So I ended up going with one of the main reasons I came to love Phil so much as a creator – someone around my age still making such fun content. I don’t mean it like, ‘wow, at your age!!’ lol, which I’m not sure he would have appreciated, more like – when you get to a certain age, people often expect you to leave certain interests and behaviours aside (we see it all the time with these ‘ew people over 30 in fandom?? Gross’ posts), and Phil is still being himself and doing what he wants and not letting that affect him, and I just think that’s really great and it’s meant a lot to me. So we talked about that a bit. He said you should be able to be creative at any age. <3 Talking to him wasn’t like I expected – I don’t know what I expected, really, but I thought he might have more of a – nervous energy, maybe? Or just a bit more – y’know, ‘AmazingPhil’? But no, he was chill and confident and had this ease about him that was so comforting in person. I know he’s an introvert and probably holed up on the couch for a week after meeting all those people (hard same), but he really is so good at talking to people and making them feel at ease; everyone looked so happy walking away from him.

About halfway through the convo I had to work really hard to keep my brain on track and not just descend into babbling nonsense because he was looking me in the eye and listening attentively and bruh!!! That is … a hell of a thing! Not only is he so beautiful, but he really listens, and cares about what you’re saying, and is actually interested and not just going ‘uh huh, uh huh …’ like other celebs can do. His expression and demeanour was so friendly and open and welcoming, and honestly I just felt like I could talk to him for hours.

We then posed for the official photo they took, and hugged for it – when I’ve had other photo ops in the past where I’m standing close to the person I’ve been prone to nervous giggling, but this time I felt really relaxed and happy.

And that was it! I reluctantly said goodbye and headed off and was so flustered I a) forgot my little card to collect my photo, the guy had to chase after me, though it looked like everyone was doing that because they were on cloud 9, and b) picked up someone else’s sequin Dan bag from the bag pile. (Which I immediately noticed because I had a keychain and pin on mine, but I mean they *are* identical.) We went to get food and download our photos and watch all the videos we took. Even though I now had pics, I still almost couldn’t believe it was actually real.

And, wow. We were just floating for the rest of the day. It was such a wonderful, positive experience and I’m so glad it worked out that I was able to meet Phil. I didn’t think I could love him more but after that day I definitely did. Obviously, because it’s me, I spent a lot of time thinking about what I said to him and how I said it and was it the right thing and did I say it right and lejslkdjkjfkdhks, but at the end of the day he was lovely, I said more or less what I wanted to say (of course there’s more I’d have wanted to say, but there’s never enough time), and it went wonderfully well. So I really shouldn’t worry too much.

We paid a quick visit to the AP shop booth in the Expo Hall – they didn’t have a ton of stuff but they had all the t-shirts (I think it was just all the t-shirts, corgi jumper, corgi keychains, glitch hoodie), so I bought the yellow Try New Things shirt from Sarah. (And got a free pixel Phil sticker; they really want to get rid of those huh)

The only other Phil-event for the day was his appearance at the Night of Awesome that evening, so we went along for that. Apparently the theme of the evening was ‘collaboration’, so most of the performers didn’t appear by themselves aside from a couple of music acts. But it quickly descended into madness – most of the performances were some sort of challenge which involved the loser getting a pie to the face or gunged – i.e. perfect Saturday night entertainment if you’re ten. So maybe it was more aimed at kids, I thought, until one of the music acts started swearing up a STORM and a load of horrified parents started dragging their kids out while I almost died trying not to laugh. There was a lot of TikTok stuff, but the animators challenge was pretty good and a couple of the music acts were great.

You probably read about the guy who crashed the performance to make an offensive anti-trans joke and then got chased out by security … when I figured out who it was later I wasn’t surprised, he’s done stupider shit in the past, but Vidcon didn’t react very well to it right away. Throughout the event I generally thought security and staff were very good, but they really dropped the ball on this. The music act gamely carried on though, as did a number of other acts after them, and *just* as everyone had pretty much lost the will to live, Phil randomly appeared on stage with Kian and JC (…no, me neither) along with a science Youtuber. Yay! I thought his bit was really cute; kind of random but that made sense when he explained the original plan had gone awry shortly before the show started. He was *so* into it and I thought it was so sweet how, again, he kept looking for his people in the crowd. He was so confident on stage and even when the stuff he was being asked to do was so random and weird he just owned it, went for it and made it funny. Thomas Sanders came on after science!Phil to do a very wholesome set which kind of saved the evening, lol.

And that was the end of Phil day! Naturally we had to order Domino’s in the evening after our emotional and intense day (and to recover from whatever tf most of that concert was). I feel like I’ve become some sort of addict, and now the rest of my existence will be sad and grey until I can hug Phil again (which might well be never). I have peaked. I also remembered what I like so much about (good) conventions; being with your people and feeling so free to express yourself and what you love - between the phannies and the fanders there were so many pride flags, and so many people walking around wearing merch. (Also it was the first con I’d ever been to where there were no cosplayers! Which is unsurprising given it’s youtube fandom, but still – new experience.)

Sunday - Day 3

Sunday we slept in after staying up until like 3am chatting (whoops), so I missed jacksepticeye’s panel but I did get to the Buzzfeed Unsolved/Watcher one, which was really funny. I wish I’d gotten to meet the boys but what can you do. I also went to the Expo Hall and met PJ (who was very nice, and friendly!! But had exactly that nervous energy I was talking about earlier, which I’m more accustomed to when I meet celebs at cons; Phil really is something special), and bought a few enamel pins, because ENAMEL PINS.

And then … the worst bit of any con, people started to leave. :( My 3 roomies left first, which was the worst bit of the weekend. I ended up tagging along with some twitter friends to get coffee, and we ended up sitting around for like 3 hours outside the cloakroom because no one wanted to leave.

We found out about Dan’s half marathon during this time, and I know people have this view of phannies like we’re all obsessive, invasive weirdos who just want to find out things for – I dunno, clout? But honestly everyone there was so proud of him and just like the whole weekend, it was great to be with people who understood. Like, I can hardly tell a co-worker that a youtuber I follow ran a marathon, they’d be like - okay, and…? So it was nice to sit there and sort of – celebrate it, in our own lil way.

We all parted ways on the train - I went back to my friend’s and watched Phil’s liveshow there, which was really a perfect way to end the weekend. I’m glad it sounded like he had such a nice time at Vidcon. Someone tweeted about him seeing all the people who had come to see just him and how excited they were to see him, and that warmed my heart. And hopefully his too.

The next day I returned to the Excel to have pizza lunch with the last two friends who were still in town, which really helped with the post-con blues, and then it really was it. Since then I’ve been hanging out at my friend’s flat and taking a couple of trips out to various shops or whatever, but I’ve mostly been tired and lazy and catching up on sleep a bit.

As I mentioned, I’m now a filthy addict. I will be … keeping an eye on future vidcons/events, for sure. >_> And I might be back in London in April, maybe. >_> many thoughts head full

#vidcon ldn #phil #long post #*announcement moose* i love phil

23 notes · View notes

ahhhthefeels · 4 years

Text

I think it's okay to drink a little bit of grosser-than-you-expected wine one night, get a little drunk, and make a nonsensical post on Tumblr. It should be totally okay. Why do I even feel like if I make a post right now that I'll make an absolute fool of myself? It's Tumblr. I am even starting to get sober from the amount that I'm fixing my spelling errors right now, god. Anyway, I was hanging out with my friend just now and I wanted to share our conversation. We were reminiscing on all of these YouTubers we used to watch back in the day, like she and I both used to watch the British YouTuber bunch, just at different times in our lives (myself a lot later than her). And then she told me how she was such a huge fan of JacksGap back in the day and we watched her favorite video, the tin foil experiment. And you know, that was the video they made with Dan Howell. And she knows I like Dan and Phil, I've trusted her enough to tell her about this huge part of myself, and she just understood and accepted it. But when we watched the video, she couldn't help but think how cringey Dan was acting. And at first I was like internally all like ouchh, that's my fave you're insulting right there. But you know, I'm pretty sure that's a version of Dan that doesn't exist anymore. The one where almost everything about who he truly was was strongly censored to his audience. And you know I get how robotic and "cringey" he may have come off. Maybe my friend has different taste in comedy which is so so valid. But that Dan, that was not the Dan I know to be today. He's come so far guys. And I was feeling very emotional about it. I love this man with my whole heart. And I miss him.

#shut up feels #dan howell #and just so everyone knows 2012 dan was just as valk #id as modern dan #make mistake #dnp #fuck im so drunk

6 notes · View notes

awkwardtaco056 · 4 years

Text

so now that i’m no longer in the Hell that was school and after finding the lovely blog @endcringe i’ve decided to talk about my own experiences with cringe culture, bullying, and why it’s Really Bad to not let people enjoy inherently harmless things, especially neurodivergent people (read more because this is gonna get long and triggering at times, TW for mentions of bullying, suicide, child abuse, a brief mention of incest shipping. I won’t be naming any of the peers that I discuss my experiences with, because my point with this post is Not to “cancel” anyone, I just want to speak out on my experiences)

I’m neurodivergent; I was diagnosed with ADHD when I was 8 years old. I didn’t know a lot about it, and a family member even painted it as “oh it’s nothing blah blah blah just apply yourself more. Because of this, I had no idea about the concept of hyperfixations until I was in my late teens. Due to that, I would obsess over random things and my family would shame me relentlessly for it. My mother said I had an “addictive personality” and that she feared I’d end up a drug addict or alcoholic because of it.

I look younger than what I am, I’m short, and small. AKA, the perfect candidate for being picked on by people bigger and stronger than me. People made fun of my art when I was around 13, but fortunately that was an instance where spite fueled me to improve drastically. However, just because I happened to take the shitty comments and have it fuel me then does NOT mean bullying people will have that effect all the time. At some point someone put my old South Park fan art on a cringe blog. I was temporarily hurt, and a little angry, but I realized that if someone was making fun of a 15 year old’s art, they probably didn’t have much going for them in life, so I moved on.

Fast forward to high school. Everything was horrible and I’m not exaggerating when I say I barely made it out alive. I was living in an abusive household up until January 2018 and I found comfort in many different interests. I’ve always found great comfort in music and the arts in general. In 2016, I drew a picture of a mermaid. I was inspired by the chocolate opal gemstone, and I thought it’d be fun to draw a gay chubby mermaid with dark skin and a rainbow tail and freckles. Junior year was lousy and I wanted something that sparked Joy. I was immediately told that “scientifically, mermaids wouldn’t look like that. Mind you, my take looked like this:

Obviously I wasn’t going for realism, I just wanted to draw a cute mermaid. However, they continued to tell me that they wouldn’t look like that, going as far as writing so on the back of said drawing. When I got angry at her for taking it too far (as I’d established before that I didn’t like it when people wrote on my art without permission), they got angry back, accusing me of being unable to take criticism. Heated by the accusation, I went as far as asking my art teacher if it was fair for them to say that, and she said no, stating that constructive criticism would be talking about how I could improve my lineart and coloring in the digital version. I took her actual helpful criticism and since then have improved Drastically in digital art. Even with that being said, I found myself hesitant to participate in things such as MerMay because I was leery of hearing that peer berate me for having cartoony mermaids.

During high school I grew to love many musicians, a lot of emo/alternative stuff, a couple being Twenty One Pilots and Melanie Martinez. I love how unique TOP’s style is, their open discussion of mental illness, and as someone who had a rough childhood, I connected with every single song on Cry Baby. It was like nothing I’d ever heard. I started listening to mashups featuring all these different artists I love, adoring how they could change the tone and sound so drastically. A peer Bully of mine in junior year condemned these two artists, declaring that they made “Bad Music” simply because it didn’t fit their tastes. They’d throw my drawings on the ground, write over them in pen, steal my headphones so I couldn’t listen to music, push me around, complain that mashups sucked and gave them a headache, and in general shit all over conetnt that was actively preventing me from committing suicide.

Some family members were no better. Once high school hit, I began listening to Fall Out Boy, Panic! at the Disco, and My Chemical Romance. Their deep complex lyrics stuck with me. I would write down quotes from my favorite songs and thanks to hyperfixating, I remember each studio album in order My mother resented when I fell in love with the “Emo Trinity” because “the Columbine shooters were emo and that event traumatized me” Despite that, not only did the Columbine tragedy occur in 1999 and none of the bands got together until the early 2000s, but I have a pretty good feeling those groups aren’t For gun violence. The other side constantly criticized the fact that I love FOB, P!ATD, and MCR because I’m black and “why must you listen to that white people music.”

I grew fond of Dan and Phil in high school (and I’m still a fan to this day!), I loved Phil’s kindness and positive aura and I deeply connect with Dan’s sense of humor and personality. Their content made me happy during some very dark times in my life. It’s November 2017, I’m over a close peer’s house at the time, and notice PINOF is upon us. I drew the PINOF whiskers on my face, my plan being to quietly watch them in the corner of peer’s bedroom on my phone through headphones, the others were doing their own thing and I knew they didn’t like them, so I thought they’d respect it if I silently indulged in it. Unfortunately, the complete opposite happened. I was immediately shunned and locked out of the bedroom, told that I’d only be let back in if I washed the whiskers off because “absolutely not”. Me, being stubborn, washed them off temporarily but drew them back on in the room. Life during then was especially bad for me, as the abusive household I was in was getting worse. They noticed, of course, and even though all I wanted was to enjoy this small tradition in a time during a deep depression, I was immediately shoved out the room and locked out, only to have said peer’s family members notice. I’m a relatively shy person, so this was honesty a really harrowing experience that had a lasting effect on me.

I grew to adore Sanders Sides as well, but the moment I found out most of my peers didn’t like Thomas, I was terrified. I stopped watching Dan and Phil’s content for months and shied away from other fandoms too, only occasionally indulging in times of complete solitude. One time when said peers were due to visit my house for the first time, I saw the Phandom and Fander stuff I’d hung up on my wall in my little sanctuary that was my bedroom (it was the first time in years I’d had my own room), and I was filled with panic and fear. I took them down and hid them away, genuinely terrified of what they’d do to me if they saw. It’s still incites so much anger in me to this day because they turned around and ended up shipping incest, but somehow liking D&P and Sanders Sides was So. Much. Worse.

They were baffled by my actions, despite having humiliated me Twice by going on a private blog of mine separate from everything so that I could fully indulge and laughing at everything on there, once at a peer’s house, once right in school. I don’t think they realized how traumatizing it was to have a large group of people in public laughing at something I was deeply self conscious about for all of my life. I put on a brave face at the time, but ended up crying in the bathroom after first period began. I continued to be treated as lesser until things came to an ugly head August 2018 when I ended up in the hospital because I nearly attempted suicide. Years of child abuse, bullying, and being deemed “cringy” made me feel like I didn’t deserve to be alive, that everyone would be happier if I were gone.

After arguably one of the lowest points in my life, I cut them off and slowly began to embrace the Real Me. I started letting myself enjoy the things again, made true friends and even found love, my first boyfriend ever at 18. I still get choked up retelling it, but when PINOF 10 dropped, after he found out how much I’d been hurt over the incident in 2017, I was greeted with a photo of him with the whiskers on his face. I cried for a while, blown away at such a pure act of kindness. He listens to me ramble about my interests, he compliments my taste in music, he watched K-12 with me.

This got incredibly long, but my point is this: Cringe Culture hurts people. You might think it’s whatever if the Thing doesn’t apply to your interests, but content you’re denouncing as cringy could be something that’s keeping them alive, that one flicker of light in a void of darkness. When I was contemplating suicide, I listened to The Black Parade, repeating Gee’s words to myself over and over, that nothing in the world was worth hurting yourself over. Some friendly joshing here and there is okay, but actively ripping someone to shreds constantly to the point where they have a mental breakdown in front of you and later on plan their own demise is disgusting. Nobody should abuse anyone for having harmless interests, no one. Unless you’re participating in p*dophilic/inc*st/s*xual assault/inherently abusive ships/content and pretending it’s not bad because “Fiction doesn’t impact reality!”, you have every right to like what you like and be happy. Read homestuck. Play Undertale. Draw up the Wildest OCs you can imagine. And stay away from people who try to rob you of innocent fun, life is too short and in this cruel, unforgiving world, you deserve to be happy, whether you’re a 13 year old who draws cute furries, a 16 year old cosplayer on TikTok, a VSCO girl, a 30 year old who writes/draws self insert art or a 20 year old who adores Invader Zim.

Cringe Culture is just bullying under a different name, and it can lead to many instances of people, especially fellow neurodivergent folk to feel isolated and ostracized. Attempting to bully someone out of an interest they have isn’t going to fix them; it’s more often than not going to cause more damage. I suffer from diagnosed C-PTSD, anxiety, and depression, and sometimes I still find myself trying to over-justify my interests. To all who are roped up in bad homes and lousy “friends” who berate you for your innocent passions, I’m sorry you’re suffering, things will one day get better even if it doesn’t feel like it, and fuck those people. I’d also like to note that sometimes even if it seems more terrifying, it’s better to have one or two close friends you can truly trust than a whole group that walks all over you. You have every right to call them out for treating you poorly, and if things don’t improve, you also have every right to leave.

You have a right to live your True Self.

47 notes · View notes