#abortion story
Text
Dina Madsen: Testimony of an Ex-Abortion Provider
Dina Madsen
California, United States
I had to leave my heart at home.
I went to work for a Sacramento abortion mill in the first week of September 1990. Before then, the word "abortion" had seldom passed through my mind, and I had no concept of what one actually was. I had lived a "dysfunctional" life and the sacredness of human life was not something I thought of much.
My official title at the mill was "health worker." I did various duties-lab work, leading groups (deceiving women about their abortions), "advocating" (deceiving women during their abortions), and assisting the abortionist, which included helping during the abortion and checking to make sure all the parts of the baby were there in the collection jar afterwards. I will never forget, in the second-trimester abortions, holding those little feet up to a chart on the wall to make sure of the age of the baby.
Just like everyone else employed there I laughed at the pro-lifers outside the mill and hardened my heart against the truth. If I thought about what was really happening, it became overwhelming. So, I treated the whole issue as a joke-but somewhere along the line God started working on my heart. I started to read literature left by the pro-lifers, and pro-life books. I began to see what I was doing in a whole new light. I saw these babies for what they were-human beings. It was very hard for my heart and head to accept because I had been leaving both my heart and head at home for so long to work there.
I began looking towards God and sometimes visiting church and reading the Bible. I know that the only thing keeping me from accepting Christ into my life was the fact that I was involved in murder-the murder of those made in His image. After working there eight months, I could no longer resist God-He had awakened me to the ugliness of abortion. I knew that in every abortion a living human being is killed, and I believe that a part of the mother is killed too. In May of 1991 I left the mill and believed that I had shut the door on my abortion experience.
After leaving the mill, I accepted the Lord into my heart and my life, and was baptized. After years of searching, I found my true home in the Catholic Church, into which I was fully received on April 2, 1994. I am now married to a kind and loving man and we have two beautiful boys.
It was during my pregnancies that I began to deal with my experience in the mill. I know now that I was experiencing post-abortion syndrome-just as if I'd had an abortion myself, only I felt even worse because I had participated in hundreds of them. God worked on my heart for a long time, showing me His forgiveness, letting me know that I had to forgive myself because He had work for me to do. In early 1994 I finally felt ready to respond to the Lord's calling. I began to sidewalk counsel, picket, and speak publicly. I know I was doing what the Lord wanted me to do, and I was warned and knew that Satan hates God's people and their work for Him.
There have been difficult times, with much persecution and attacks from Satan, but I know that the Lord is my protector; His works will prevail! I took a break from my sidewalk counseling to strengthen myself in the Lord-and then He told me it was time to go back. I just am so grateful that He pulled me out of the darkness and into the light. He has shown me how terribly evil abortion is. He has shown me how precious life is. He has shown me that every preborn baby is His child, and that no one has the right to take that life. He has shown me that there is forgiveness and healing in Him. For those who have participated in abortions or had abortions I pray that the pro-death people will have their hearts changed and believe that life is the only "choice."
My walk with God has not been easy. Life is full of ups and downs, joy and pain. But I know that He is always there beside me. He has blessed me beyond anything I ever imagined, and continues to do so. He can do the same for anyone if He is only asked to.
I think it's important to pray for those women who are considering abortion and also for those caught up in the evil of the abortion industry, that they will see the truth and be set free. Abortion is not just a "choice," it is a destructive, life-taking act that will only bring pain and loss to those involved.
Psalm 40:1-3
I waited patiently for the Lord;
He turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire;
He set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.
He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear and put their trust in the Lord.
Read more testimonies at Silent No More
10 notes
·
View notes
Text
Been a year to the day since my abortion and fuck this is tough
5 notes
·
View notes
Text
Women, doctors announce legal action against abortion bans in 3 states - ABC News
8 notes
·
View notes
Text
Not a Single Day
I was 20 when I found myself pregnant. I was also in an abusive relationship.
Ralph* was the cool guy in high school that I thought could never be interested in me. We ran into each other after we graduated and he was charming, he was a good dancer, popular, and he was interested in me. My ex-boyfriend at the time had said, “Don’t date him. Trust me on this one.” I thought my ex was just jealous, so I ignored him.
Ralph and I started dating and it was all great in the beginning. I was going to parties with all the cool kids from high school---the group I wish I could have hung out with back then---and I was having fun. Until it started to change.
First Ralph began to tell me that he hated how I dressed. I was too pretty to be dressing like that. Then he didn’t like my music, my books, my friends in college.
“You’re really immature, you know?” he once said to me.
Soon, he began to snap whenever I’d contradict him; if I had friends he didn’t know; if I had male friends. Why was I with him? Who can say? I was 20 and dumb. I tried once to break up with him, but it didn’t go well. The belittling continued. The verbal abuse increased.
So when I discovered I was pregnant, I wanted to die. I had used protection. What happened? My mother, who was a very strict Latina mom, always said if I was ever pregnant she would kick me out. So, I couldn’t turn to her. And what was I going to do? Live with Ralph? No.
So I went to my local Planned Parenthood and had an abortion. The people at PP were very kind and compassionate and didn’t judge me. I had judged myself enough for everyone. Later that day, with my abortion that only Ralph and my best friend knew about, I slept on the couch after crying myself to sleep. I cried because I was tired, scared, but mostly relieved. I knew it had been the right decision.
A few days later, Ralph shouted at me that I was a murderer and that I hadn’t taken him into account. He kicked my car and screamed. Not long after, he punched me in the face for changing the radio station. It was the first time that he had been physically abusive. I told my family I had been mugged because I felt ashamed. I felt ashamed that I had allowed that to happen to me. I had had enough.
Without Roe v. Wade, I wouldn’t have been able to have an abortion. I wasn’t ready to become a mother, and I certainly did not want to have children with Ralph. There has yet to be a day where I wake up and think, “Maybe I shouldn’t have?” I have always been pro-choice and believed in a person’s right to choose, even before my abortion. That abortion saved me from being tied to an abusive, controlling prick of a human being for the rest of my life. I don’t regret that abortion for a single moment. Not a single day. Not one.
(*Names have not been changed because fuck him. And for those who say that maybe he changed? No, he didn’t. Years later, he messaged me on FB and when I said I wasn’t interested in talking to him, he blew up and called me names.)
#tw: domestic violence#tw: verbal abuse#tw: abusive relationship#planned parenthood#roe v wade#i am crying and seething#also you don't need a specific reason to have an abortion#it is your choice and your business#this is merely my story#i am so afraid for all the people out there who will one day need an abortion#abortion#prochoice#i am sharing my abortion story#abortion story#abortion is health care#abortion is mental health care#reproductive rights#reproductive health
83 notes
·
View notes
Text
with the news that just hit the US, i think it’s time for me to share my abortion story, or at least what i remember of it.
genuinely i feel so sick to my stomach right now. if this all actually goes through, people will die, people will become very preventably permanently physically disabled, people will suffer grievous emotional/mental trauma, from being forced to attempt to carry out a pregnancy.
this is something that is absolutely terrifying for everyone who can become pregnant, and i can’t help but think about how it’s going to impact trans men and other masc genderqueer people who can become pregnant especially. there are already fewer options for us for reproductive care than there are for cis women because of transandrophobic healthcare systems, and it’s terrifying to think of how many of those already limited options could be taken from us.
recounting of the events under the cut. cw for childhood pregnancy and for very shaky consent practices (also with a child)
i am someone who has had an abortion. i was a freshman in high school. i was taken advantage of by many people back then. i was so dissociated through most of the encounters themselves that i barely remember anything, but i remember how absolutely terrified i was when i saw the ‘positive’ line on the drugstore test i’d gotten from the school health center.
i was 15. i was a 15 year old boy who was trying his best to cope with very severe untreated mental illness and who already didn’t want to be alive. i was a 15 year old child who was pregnant after a sexual encounter that i had at least not given clear-minded consent to, maybe not even given any sort of consent to at all. i didn’t even remember when/how i’d gotten pregnant, exactly, much less who the other party was.
i was so, so, so fucking scared. i don’t even know how to describe it. early high school is very fuzzy for me, but there are so (relatively) many moments in this sequence of events that i remember vividly.
i remember wrapping the test up in almost half a roll of public school toilet paper and almost putting it in the garbage before i changed my mind, not knowing if i’d have to ‘prove’ to someone that i was pregnant.
i remember begging my best friend at the time to skip the rest of the day’s classes with me, which she did so willingly, even though she knew she’d get in trouble. i remember sobbing in terror into her old Slayer hoodie while we just sat in a side hall in the middle of fifth period, and that at one point a hall monitor started to come up to us, but left us alone once she realized how clearly devastated i was.
i remember telling the rest of my scraggly group of suicidal druggie friends, and how they all told me that they were there if i needed anything, but what could they possibly do to even begin to make this better?
i remember calling Planned Parenthood in my best friend’s tiny apartment while her mom was at work, and how her one and a half year old brother was in the room with us and yet had no way of being able to realize the intensity of that situation. i remember that i wouldn’t tell the person on the phone what my name was and that i refused to speak in anything but hypotheticals, even as i was borderline begging her to say that they could help me, that they could get that putrid clump of cells out of me. my best friend had her arm wrapped around my shoulders the whole time.
i remember how gentle the person over the phone was with me. i was trying to sound older than i was, but in hindsight, i’m sure i failed miserably. i’m sure she knew that she was talking to a kid, especially when she asked for information about my insurance or annual household income that i didn’t have the answers for.
i remember how, going into the call, i was 100% resigned and accepted to the idea that i’d have to pretend to be a girl throughout the whole process. i was pre-t, pre-op, still presented pretty femininely because that’s what was the safest and most comforting to me at the time. it was already enough of a hassle trying to have my gender respected in everyday situations, i wasn’t even going to bother trying to say anything about it while trying to access care for a ‘woman’s issue.’ but she went out of her way to ask me about my pronouns and gender identity, and so did every single other Planned Parenthood provider that i worked with during the process.
i remember that i took the metro bus to my appointment while i was supposed to be at school. i had to do it that way because i hadn’t told my parents. almost 5 years later, i still haven’t told my parents that any of this ever happened. the only time i could get out of the house for long enough to go to an appointment without my mom trying to track me down was during the school day. she’d only get the robocall that i’d missed class that evening, long after i was in the clear. i remember hoping with all my chest that she’d take it at face value when i told her that i’d just been skipping with my friends like usual when she asked me why i wasn’t in language arts. she did.
i remember how scared and alone i felt, walking into the Planned Parenthood building all by myself, hunched over myself in my hoodie and trying to drown out my fear with the Fall Out Boy music in my shitty earbuds. i remember how the receptionist smiled so kindly when she saw me, and the reassuring looks on the faces of a couple others in the waiting room as they saw a kid coming in for reproductive care, clearly petrified and with no one to hold his hand.
i remember that the doctor was lovely. she showed me all sorts of 3D models and diagrams of what happens in the body when an early-stage pregnancy is terminated, and told me that there would be no invasive procedure, that she was just going to give me two pills, and that it would be like i was having a bad period, and after that i wouldn’t be pregnant anymore.
i remember that, even though i’d been told over the phone that i would not be expected to pay for the care i received, i was still so worried that i’d misunderstood and that i’d try to leave and they’d hand me a check that i’d have no way of paying off. i remember that i swiped $20 from my mom’s wallet, just in case they asked me for money, even though i logically knew that that probably wouldn’t be nearly enough if i was presented with an actual medical bill. Planned Parenthood never asked me to pay, but it was a good thing that i had the twenty anyway because i had a blood pressure drop right after the appointment and needed to get myself a snack and some water.
i don’t really remember actually taking the pills that vividly, strangely enough. i remember that i did it at a sleepover at my best friend’s house for emotional support, that’s kind of it.
but i remember the euphoric relief i felt when i dared to take another pregnancy test a couple days later, just to make absolutely sure, and it was negative.
i remember my abortion story as being a gentle, loving, caring, respectful salvation that came when i needed it, during the terrifying, horrible, emotionally excruciating experience that was an unwanted pregnancy at age 15. i know how lucky i was to be able to have that experience. i know that so, so many people either cannot access abortion, or cannot access it in a way that was as comforting and affirming as my experience was.
i want as many people as possible to have abortion stories like mine. the US national government is taking steps towards placing barriers between people who need/want abortions and the ability to access them at all, much less in as therapeutic of a way as i was able to.
do what you can. reach out to your local officials. protest. include and uplift the voices of all who are impacted by laws like these, not just cis women.
abortion saves lives.
#i've never ever gone through the whole experience like this before and i am crying like a baby right now#my abortion isnt something that im ashamed of but ive never recounted it like this and i didnt realize how much emotion is still here#please be kind. this took me a long time and a lot of bravery and emotion to type up.#this is okay to reblog if you think it would help someone in any way#my goal in putting my story out there is to hopefully help people see how important abortion is#and what a huge difference accessible and respectful safe abortions can make in someone's life#so maybe someone will care just a little bit more about the issue#make take just one more step to combat the attack on reproductive rights that's happening#i want my story to help people#abortion story#reproductive rights#reproductive justice#reproductive care#trans healthcare#terfs dont touch#terfs dni#radfems dni
69 notes
·
View notes
Text
Actually I’ve decided I do want to talk about it- I think it’s important information.
TW for some medical stuff and abortion and vomiting mentions.
last year, after the overturn of roe v wade, I got pregnant and needed an abortion. I had to drive to California to get one. Let’s talk about it.
Before I knew/found out:
I had spend the month smoking and drinking and doing drugs(I am not a saint), I had sex once(unprotected), and was on antibiotics(they didn’t pregnancy test me). I was feeling ill, my period is a little erratic, and I was one week late. I decided to take a test to relieve myself of stress. Whoopsie.
We bought 6 pregnancy tests. I took them all. All of them were positives. I started disassociating at this point out of fear.
Found out
I told my mom. I recruited my boyfriend and best friend for help(me and my boyfriend also talked about this as a very real possibility previously- communication is very important)
Set a planned parenthood appointment out of state, paid in full at the appointment.
At the appointment- I was nervous. They were playing the worst music I’ve ever heard in a doctors office over the radio(headphones next time.) I was emotionally fragile, they were playing songs like “apologize” by onerepublic. I got a pregnancy test, a transvaginal ultrasound, and then everything was explained to me by a pharmacist. The doctor and the pharmacist both told me after the first pill- there was no going back. I was stared at as I took the pill. I got ibuprofen, anti nausea meds, and the 4 pills I was suppose to take the following morning. I went home- I was fine but tired. Until the next morning.
I felt ill, tried eating, and waited for the dreaded time to take the medication. I threw up before I took the anti nausea meds. I had to take them twice. I took ibuprofen, I put the 4 abortion pills in my cheeks and waited, nauseously, for them to melt before I could swallow them.
30 minutes after taking the pills- I started feeling even more sick. My abdomen was starting to cramp in waves. Slowly ramping up, I vomited about 6 times over the course of the next 2 or 3 hours. The pain was unimaginable- it came in waves. Heat packs were the only thing that helped me combat the pain. Imagine the drops and rises you feel in a rollercoaster- that’s how startling and terrifying the pain was. You’ll also feel like you need to poop during this.(I think it’s sort of like a mix of cramps and labor pain?)
After about 4 hours, the pain started to subside, I’d cried my eyes out and thrown up more than I’d thrown up in the past 3 years in only 2 hours. I fell asleep after the pain calmed down enough for me to not lie in bed writhing and crying. I was woken up to eat food and drink water and take more painkillers and ibuprofen. The next 3 days that’s all I really did. Eat, sleep, drink water, relax. I never got the same cramps- but my abdomen ached the entire time with shorter, less extreme cramps. After 3 days I started taking longer breaks between painkillers and lowering the dose. After 6 days I finally started to feel more normal- but I was still bleeding.
I bled for about 2 weeks. I felt more normal after a week. My body’s cycle caught up after about 2 months, and then my emotions caught up after about 6 months. It did change the way I thought about kids and pregnancy- but I have a feeling it has to do with hormones.
Your first best form of contraceptive is not getting pregnant- and your second is an abortion. If you need to get one, if you want to get one, do it. Ask for better painkillers- have heat packs ready, have a friend/lover/family member willing to sit there while you go through the most difficult part and to help take care of you. You’ll be alright.
My inbox is open to questions, and I am more then happy to help you with anything you need to know.
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
#fuck the supreme court#every day i wake up#ramblings#adam driver#adam driver memes#abortion is healthcare#reproductive rights#memes#united states#roe v wade#feminism#marriage story
41K notes
·
View notes
Text
Geez... I was just doing some reading on the internet and got a punch in the gut.
This started because I saw a post in a womb twin survivor support group where someone had posted and was describing how they were born with a pin hole in their spine, which sounded very similar to my own diagnosis of Spina Bifida Occulta.
Anyway, certain health problems are more common in Vanishing Twin Survivors, and I thought I remembered that Spina Bifida was one of them, so I was looking it up to see if I was remembering correctly.
As I'm scrolling, one link said, "Spina Bifida a vanishing nightmare." So I clicked on it, and it was a quick thing about how numbers were going down, and they weren't sure why, but part was attributed to terminating affected pregnancies. The conclusion was that if they continued "preventative measures" i.e. termination, Spina Bifida could disappear. Of course! The solution to this health problem isn't to work on an *actual* cure or improve treatments... it's to just kill the people who have it. That will solve everything.
I'm just... I don't even know why I'm surprised. They wanted to kill me then. Of course, they would want to kill me if I was born today. I don't know why I would expect anything else... but it made me so... sad.
You know... I had an older cousin who had a much more severe case of Spina Bifida than I do. And when I say older, I mean he was like my parents' age. He was worse off than me, but he was always smiling. He was always joking with people. He volunteered his time to his local church, he stood by his principals, he helped out people in need without ever asking anything in return... and when he died, the funeral home was packed. There was a line around the building of people waiting to say their goodbyes, and it kept up the entire visitation. People were parked way down the road and had to walk to get there. My cousin was a light in people's lives.
But if he had been born right now, people would just weigh his life based on his disability and determine that he should be killed before his light could reach anyone. But sure... we can eliminate this disorder by killing the people who have it. It's disgusting that people think that way. There's no other word for it.
#pro life#prolife#spina bifida#spina bifida occulta#womb twin survivor#vts survivor#womb twin#vts#vanishing twin#sunrise twin thoughts#abortion#anti abortion#true story
616 notes
·
View notes
Text
I finally finished reading the fourth volume of svsss in full, and thing is--the first time through I only read the bingqiu content because I was ravenous for more of their happy ending.
Turns out that was a perilous mistake.
Because I started reading the airplane extras. And I swear to god. MXTX is trying to kill me
What do you MEAN demon lord Binghe was sitting on his big fucking throne. All stoic and forbidding. Surrounded by his demon generals who don't know shit about human courtship. Asking them what he should do, fully demoralized by constant rejections from sqq, only to have airplane tell him to act more pathetic and needy. Which is already hysterically funny and insane, UNTIL LBH'S RESPONSE IS THIS, KILLING ME INSTANTLY:
LUO BINGHE. WHY DOES HE SAY IT LIKE: "I already tried that, didn't work--nothing works :/ not mean, not maidenly, not housewife, not spicy, not capable disciple. Is doubling down on clingy really all it will take? What's a born hater with only one love in his life to do????"
The dichotomy of him sitting there like 'how can I reach the unfathomable depths of shizun's heart?' A HEART HE'S ALREADY WON OVER, MIND and then in the Holy Mausoleum solving the puzzle without blinking and being like 'oh yeah you just have to hit the acupoints, no sweat.' Literally the comedy writes itself I'm so--
How am I supposed to be normal about this. MXTX understands the juicy quintessential queer joy of a person with the world's power at their fingertips wishing only for love. Willing to do anything to earn that love, when unbeknownst to them it's already been freely given. Totally not screaming and yelling and clawing at the walls
And that's not even touching airplane's uproarious account of events. The way he's like 'lol what's next, lbh and sqq are best friends now? smfh' only to see lbh TACKLE SQQ LOVINGLY. FOR SQQ TO BE BASHFUL ABOUT IT BUT SO SO FOND OF THE LITTLE SCAMP. This when we've been experiencing sqq's constant inner monologue of 'I'm so cool and so dignified about my role, truly the epitome of propriety and poser-level fortitude.' Meanwhile, in their universe:
Airplane constantly flaming???? Sqq and lbh in his observations????? His absolute bewilderment and confusion????? Legendary. No notes every single second of this shit was hilarious.
Airplane's comment that sqq + older adolescent lbh traveling together was just watching a couple in their honeymoon phase. OR the fact that lbh is exceedingly petty and refuses to share their food in the wake of airplane's interruption of their time together, until sqq relents sheepishly and insists airplane eat what's left (ONLY AFTER PLACATING LBH WITH MORE FOOD FROM HIS PLATE, SOBBING)
Watching airplane salivate over Mobei-Jun and acting like that's totally normal behavior. Finding out mbj and airplane got together first. Finding out sqq encouraged airplane. LIKE THIS. WHILE HE IS STILL IN DENIAL ABOUT HIS OWN FEELINGS:
Mobei-jun clearly thinking their arrangement is a forever thing, heartbroken his human abandoned him with all the hapless fury of a scorned wife swept away by false promises of fidelity. Airplane writing demons to be the type to beat up their crush lovingly and still unable to connect the dots about mbj's feelings. Mbj letting him go and respecting his wishes, only relenting when there's indication airplane was poorly processing his own feelings and didn't actually want to leave. Mbj caring for him and listening to him as soon as airplane voices what he needs directly and with clarity. None of these gays are functional and it's everything to me
Unrelated, but I physically can't hold this information in anymore:
I'm still reeling from younger lbh having his sexual awakening from the image of sqq wrapped in the immortal binding cables. Condemn me as you like he was so, so real for that.
And no I will not be taking any comments about how luo bingge couldn't bear to see luo binghe cherished in ways he never got to have and all the haunting implications of that. I will also not be taking any comments about luo binghe's instinct to look for sqq in that alternate universe, only to be shaken to the very core to be unable to find his shizun anywhere. The unspeakable and latent horror of his relentless mind likely piecing together what happened, but unable to say it; to suspect what is true, and live with the harrowing confusion of his double's actions. To blame himself, to assume that he had let his anger get the better of him in that world and result in unspeakable folly...
I also refuse to talk about how heartrending it is to hear Tianlang-jun weakly say "In the end, I really can't bring myself to hate humans." The implication that the foolishness of that hope and bright-eyed fondness--the very thing that put him through such unspeakable agony--couldn't be beaten out of him entirely. To discover that his faith in Su Xiyan hadn't been misplaced, to the contrary: his beloved hadn't scorned him at all, but rather fought to the miserable end to protect the fruition of their genuine feelings of love when she couldn't protect tlj or herself.
How MXTX has sqq deliberately draw parallels between their situation and that of ygy+sj and tlj+sx; desperately wishing it might not be too late for them. The concept of breaking cycles of abuse and harm pervasive throughout the newly devised story, how it evolves for the better only when love takes the place of power, pride, and domination. How the moment sqq chooses vulnerability instead of saving face, the genre shifts to the so-called "cringe" girly genre where most if not every character is more fulfilled, more true to themselves. How the "male-oriented" former genre was aimlessly sensationalized and sexualized, how it was a sustained performance of aspirational toxic masculinity. How men objectify other men without end. All of the unspoken gendered implications that come with that.
Anyways. Going to go put my head in a sandbox and try to process everything I just witnessed because even a second reading is not enough to find a modicum of closure.
#svsss#bingqiu#moshang#i swear to god this series is just 'gay man who doesn't know shit inflicting his delusional reality on everyone else and inciting chaos'#and literally it's slapstick levels of hilarious every single time; mxtx never change#also i fully agree that we did not get NEARLY enough mobei-jun and sqh/airplane content#the amount of mental illness to mental illness communication going on there was astonishing#mobei-jun being afraid of his uncle and bringing sqh because that's the only person he trusts fully (WAILING NOISES)#sqh having a tantrum but running away because for the first time he was honest about his needs + his dissatisfaction with catering to other#how that reflects his narrative compulsions and how he felt forced to warp more creative story paths for the sake of survival as a writer#how sqq's restoration of much of his original intent--as well as mobei-jun's acceptance of his needs--helps airplane begin to heal#how his happiness begins; how just like sqq he wanders in such confusion and denial before he's forced to realize what truly matters to him#SHREK VOICE: STORIES HAVE. L A Y E R S#it feels like modern day shakespeare and when i say that i don't mean it in a hollow elevating sense i mean it more like#mxtx just hits that perfect balance of poignance but also hilarious concentric circles of botched communication and brainworms#okay but real talk for a minute? .........;-;#the way lbh constantly struggles with such a crushing feeling that he'll be abandoned over any little mishap/thing/problem#really hit me where it hurts??? if only because its so clearly an anxiety that stems from original goods' upbringing#the way it becomes even more heartrending when you think back to all the sect leaders clamoring that he should have been killed as an infan#that he should have been aborted as a fetus--insisting right in front of him that his birth was a mistake and a disgrace#over having demon blood in his veins. like my god that scene is so viscerally upsetting i struggle to read it#the way its so easy to see the demons as a manifestation of otherness in precipitated form#how both sqq and sqh are influenced by human rhetoric without evening meaning to--assuming the worst against their better judgment#how both sqq and sqh both struggle with their own otherness in different ways and only find solace when they begin to accept who they are#how their lovers (lbh and mbj respectively) both are willing to navigate those confusing waters with them#how both demons love them as they are--accept them as they are despite how difficult forgiveness of perceived betrayal is for them#ty mxtx for changing my brain chemistry#as i get older i have such a fondness for the messiness of thematic queer self-discovery and growth into self-acceptance#that and how youth can so easily be defined by perfectionistic self-harm and the violence of repression
226 notes
·
View notes
Note
Do you have any opinions on Scholomance?
I do! I like it a lot. I really enjoyed all three books, blitzed through them easily and was much more excited to see how the plots unfolded than I'm used to these days, as a jaded adult, and I also really appreciated them as works of craft.
Especially the first one, I spent the whole time being all 'wow!' at how simple it was. So easy to read, but no waste. You really need to know what you're doing, to get that kind of pared-down elegance of form to work and still fit so much content in.
Like these are dense, there's a fantastic stylistic minimalism that allows El's character all the space it needs to breathe by making absolutely every other thing and person in the whole novel also do character work for her, which is exactly where the first person voice shines.
Also great use of character perspective to make the pacing feel really natural, so the fact that the first book takes three weeks, the second book takes one year, and the third book is like. Five or so incredibly stressful days spread out over the course of a few weeks? Doesn't feel imbalanced.
I actually got distracted from the story a few times by noticing the strength of Novik's technique. 😂 This is a me problem, in itself it's the opposite of distracting. Very low-profile.
I think the Scholomance is a great example of how far you can go in specfic when you aren't cringing from the label 'derivative,' because the Scholomance books feel very fresh ad clean specifically because nothing in them is concerned with standing out as 'original,' whatever that's supposed to mean, only with being well-executed and suitable to its task.
Hm, maybe that's where Liesel was born, the intersection of the efficient narrative style and the vast proportion of the story that concerns the maximization of utility and the instrumentalization of persons by themselves and others, and the forces that incentivize these behaviors. Or maybe she's just the narrative counterweight to Orion 'Head Empty' Lake lmao. How's that for a principle of balance, Galadriel?
I really did enjoy how beautifully it was laid out, over and over, in dozens of shades of humanity, how no matter where you go in an exploitative system almost everyone is being driven by the same survival instincts.
Because I don't think I've ever seen made so cleanly clear why you just can't expect any person or small group of people, no matter their level of goodwill or status, to unmake one of these systems from the inside; how it's not a matter of people being bad but of every single person being very...small.
And then not retreating into the idea of a person who is Big coming and breaking the cruel system from the outside as some kind of panacea, because 1) that is terrible, even if it's necessary and done in the best way possible and 2) that's not a sustainable answer to anything. Getting a balance between the protagonist being able to effect change and not subscribing to the great man theory of history can be really tricky!
Also did I mention, I love El, and I love most of the cast, even the dreadful ones. How am I going around with this many feelings about Li Shanfeng who doesn't appear until the actual climax?
The romance murdered me a bit, but it took up no more space than it absolutely needed to do its job, and I respect that. Also I appreciated Orion as a love interest; Novik has a slight record at this point of a version of that style of male love interest who's like a caricature of Mr. Darcy but old, which was shaping up to be my least favorite thing about her body of work.
...Orion is kind of like if you took the human king from Spinning Silver and gave him an alignment flip come to think of it, so he's not coming out of nowhere. Lmao.
Which reminds me (re: romance character typing) I've heard Novik didn't want it to be known she was astolat, which this series has renewed my sympathies if so. Because if I were a published novelist I wouldn't want people going 'you know, that resolution was really emotionally satisfying! reminds me of that fic she wrote where optimus prime and megatron get stuck in a hole underground and hatefuck about it.'
I don't even like Transformers. That fic almost made me cry. Actually I suspect it reads better if you don't like Transformers because I'm sure it does not give a shit about canon.
Anyway, whoever pointed out that one of the things El has going on is she's Enoby (and we're going to sit down and explore what the true reason to put your middle finger up at preps is, and what are some constructive ways to channel that socioeconomic wrath, and what it means that there is no ethical consumption under capitalism) was right and I'm not entirely over that either.
Fucking love El's mom as a character. Spectacular level of parent relevance and usefulness. A+.
Aadhya and Liu are also characters who fucking delivered.
Re: minimalism though, I laughed at the start of The Golden Enclaves when I realized that none of the enclaver characters who'd gotten development in the the first two books were from London, the enclave El was theoretically shooting for when we met her.
#ask#hoc est meum#Anonymous#scholomance#my sister's biphobia made an appearance when i was reading the second book and tried to tell her about this thing i was enjoying#still mad at her about it#anyway though#good!#wish i could ask novik what she was thinking by making a single-cell abortion work as human sacrifice#like is it just because magic works on intent so if you think the newly fertilized egg#that you couldn't know about without magic#is 'your baby which you are killing'#then it is?#for purposes of hole in reality making?#or does this story have a spot where its politics sharply reverse and human life begins at conception#spoilers#scholomance spoilers#especially in the reblog#lakjfaldkfs seanan mcguire has granted this rambled Circulation oh dear
1K notes
·
View notes
Text
I am free to feel that grief and acknowledge the remorse of my "choice"
Melanie
Illinois, United States
I was around twenty and in college. It was a time of darkness, depression and confusion in my life. When I found out I was pregnant, I "heard" my mother's voice of instruction about the proper order of things (college, career, marriage, house, children). I must have felt that the pregnancy would disappoint my parents because I didn't tell them about it until years later. I remember thinking I wished I hadn't been brought into the world so why bring someone else into the world.
I had been through a series of broken relationships. I did not want another relationship but still wanted to have sex. Although I had 2 or 3 partners during this time period, I was "pretty sure" who the father was. I didn't tell anyone about the pregnancy except my older sister and this young man. I remember my sister saying my life was over... it would no longer be my own. I realize now that is because from her perspective she had missed out on career and was raising 4 children and living a bit vicariously through me. I remember the young man seeming relieved when I told him I wanted to get an abortion.
When I indicated I did not want to have the baby, my sister helped me call and set up the appointment at the abortion clinic in campus town. She also advised me to drink a bottle of wine and smoke some weed to deal with cramping that I would have afterwards. She offered this advice from the perspective of having an abortion herself.
I do remember seeing the doctor, maybe a few days or a week before the procedure. He indicated I was very early along. I wanted to schedule the procedure right away because I was afraid, if I waited, that I wouldn't go through with it. I remember the probable father went with me for the procedure but I do not remember him being in the "counseling" session with the nurse prior to the procedure. It was during that session that I remember asking the nurse if the baby would feel anything. She responded, "Oh, honey it's just a blood clot the size of a peanut" and assured me it wouldn't feel anything. I found out, years later, through an exhibit at the Museum of Science and Industry that this information was not accurate.
I remember the monetary cost of the abortion was about $300 at this time. I was not aware, until later, of the additional "cost" (psychological, physiological, etc.) of having an abortion. The day of the procedure, the probable father and I went to the office and paid cash in advance. It is still difficult to talk about the procedure, as it was quite traumatic. I remember it seemed to take forever, even though it was probably all done within an hour. I remember crying from the onset... silently at first but building to openly weeping. I remember they couldn't get me to dilate and they were trying to calm me so they offered me some type of intravenous Valium. I remember feeling something deep inside screaming "noooooo" but I tried to stifle it and make myself go through with the process. Whether that cry was God, the baby or my inner self I do not know but I wish I would have listened and I wonder if they would have stopped the procedure if I had made that cry vocal. But I did not. So they got me dilated enough to suction out from my womb the "blood clot the size of a peanut" which would have most likely been my first born child.
After the abortion procedure was complete, I was shuffled to the recovery room. Before long, I was at my apartment, taking my sister's advice about weed and wine. I tried not to allow myself to feel anything and would stuff it anytime it tried to come into my thoughts. I used lots of drugs and alcohol to numb feelings. That led to getting mixed up with a not so great group of people and I ended up dropping out of college anyway. I ended up moving back to my hometown and getting involved in another relationship. I tried marrying that one and when we tried to get pregnant, it never happened. My periods were all messed up. I kept thinking I was pregnant because I would be 2 or 3 months late on my period but tests kept coming back negative. Doctorss tried to say it was just my body getting regulated from going off the pill but after missing period for 6 months with negative pregnancy tests, I was referred to an OB/GYN. They diagnosed PCOS (poly cystic ovarian syndrome). Prior to my abortion, I had never had problems with my period or experienced any of the other symptoms of PCOS that I have since become acquainted with. My husband and I divorced. He made a baby with another woman.
During this time, God re-initiated my childhood faith and I returned to the church. Somehow, I heard about a bible study for woman who have had an abortion being done in a town nearby and I got plugged in with this group of about 5 women, found forgiveness and began healing. The healing process has been a long process considering the abortion was such a short procedure. At 40, I conceived and birthed my first child. At 42, my second child was born. After twenty years of infertility, both children were miracles, without medical intervention for conception. Healing is a process.
I had a miscarriage a few years ago as well. I have noted a real difference in how people respond to miscarriage vs. abortion. It's as if society allows women to grieve the loss of their children through miscarriage but not so with abortion. People offer sympathy to women who have had miscarriages but not so to women who have had abortions. While it is not deemed illegal and thereby deemed acceptable, we are not supposed to talk about it... that is deemed unacceptable and people act real uncomfortable if one acknowledges it. At least that has been my experience and that of other women who have had an abortions that I have talked to. It's crazy. Society will allow you to take the life of your own child but does not allow you to grieve the loss of that child's life. Grief is a natural response to death.
There are always days when I find myself calculating how old that child would be if he or she had lived. I would probably be a grandmother by now. Instead, I am an old mother trying to rear young children. I thank God for His mercy, grace and second chances. But having the children I have now and experiencing motherhood with them makes me wonder, at times, what life and memories were missed as a result of this earlier decision.
Sin has consequences. Taking someone's life is a sin. Forgiveness removes the guilt and shame that are natural consequences of sin. But forgiveness doesn't necessarily remove remorse. Allowing oneself to feel remorse is actually what leads to forgiveness. Remorse for wrongdoing keeps us humble enough to choose right-doing. I believe I have received the forgiveness I requested from God, my child and myself. But one of the consequences I have to live with is that I will always grieve the loss of the experiences of mothering that child.
Because of forgiveness, I am free to feel that grief and acknowledge the remorse of my "choice". This acknowledgement means I no longer have to deny or hide that remorse. It means I no longer have to deny or numb that grief. See it is because of that forgiveness that this remorse is without shame. I can stand forgiven, in Jesus Name! It is because of this forgiveness that I am silent no more!
I want other women who have had abortions to experience this freedom in forgiveness. If you have had an abortion and have not found this freedom, please seek out some help to find it. Help for healing is available! If you are pregnant and considering having an abortion, please choose life. Even when things seem crazy, dark and dangerous in the world, life is ALWAYS the best choice! God is good and ALL life is valuable to Him. If you choose to value what God values, He will be faithful to provide EVERYTHING you need to walk out that choice. Trust God. Trust God to guide you into right choices. Trust God to provide for your needs. Trust God to forgive, heal and restore. Whatever is going on in your life today, trust God over it all. God is good and loves us ALL more than we may ever be able to fully comprehend! Trust in that LOVE!
Find more testimonies at Silent No More
14 notes
·
View notes
Text
3rd December 2023.
My due date.
I feel so broken, I don’t know what to do.
I just want to curl into a ball and not move for a week.
7 notes
·
View notes
Text
It really hurts | Next
#ts4#indya#black simblr#DANGER DANGER!!!!!#ABORT MISSION!#Indira WTAF are you doing boo?#*throws keyboard across the street*#ts4 story#sims 4 story#simblr#ch23#its above me now
191 notes
·
View notes
Text
listened to hozier's new song (which is heavily abt abortion) and like. "the gateway to the world / would never belong to angels / never belonged to men" is a part of the chorus. the gateway presumably being the uterus, and the angels/men line presumably being about how neither religion nor men should control abortion.
which. ghfdjjsdkg. he used the phrase "women and pregnant people" in his instagram story about it which is nice. and the song is genuinely beautiful (unsuprisingly) but i can't help but feel bitter. hearing "... never belonged to men" just hurts to hear. it makes me question if trans men will ever be fully acknowledged as people who get pregnant or if cis people only think of pregnant men when they are making jokes about them. it hurts having to choose between having your gender ignored or having people take it upon themselves to sever part of your own body from you through their language.
#we need more pregnant men in media methinks#i need to see actual stories about trans mens experiences with pregnancy & abortion#and on a lighter note its perfect for getting around macbeth style magic bullshit#''no man born of a woman can kill me'' ''okay my dad gave birth to me''#m.#transandrophobia
728 notes
·
View notes
Text
it actually makes me sick to see people share the BDS boycott list but continue to support companies on the list lmao
one of my mutuals just made 3 tweets in a row about getting mcdonalds when a month ago they were making a thread of helpful information, posting the bds list, and tweeting the watermelon emoji
like do you actually give a fuck about whats happening or are you only virtue signaling for retweets? this shit is so fucking mind numbing like im so pissed off and i know im directing my anger at something small retrospectively but how are you going to be a hypocrite in this situation how are you going to pretend to care how are you going to ignore the simple things we’ve been asked to do i want to just scream
when the bare minimum is not supporting corrupt brands, and self proclaimed leftists can’t even do that, how is anything going to change. am i going to be angry for the rest of my life
#it just makes me mad and i need to rant. everything makes me mad#fuck brittany broski too she can choke and lose everything btw#im begging u if u are reading this to seek out important information and share it on twitter tumblr ig facebook. post it on ur stories#i dont care if only 5 people see it thats better than zero.#no one has any excuse to stay silent. I should have spoken up sooner. EVERYONE should have been speaking sooner#i have friends that currently are posting about abortion rights and gun control and lgbtq rights but have shared nothing about palestine.#and it makes me so angry because the only thing we can do is share information and protest.#follow palestinians share their posts. please for the love of god#follow bisan and motaz and hind and other journalists. follow bds. seek out the information
55 notes
·
View notes
Text
Alhaitham and Kaveh as each other's 'home'
(This is a reworked excerpt taken from my Haikaveh essay! If you're interested you can check it out here or as a pdf <3)
Family is an important theme, particularly in regard to Kaveh, as the reason for his guilt is based upon his belief that he destroyed his own family. For Kaveh, family – home – is a place in which “words [are] not necessary” since companionship is valued above all:
Family is also important for Alhaitham, however, as there is a particular focus on the relationship between him and his late grandmother within his character stories, as her influence over him incentivised him to pursue the “peaceful” way of life he seeks to maintain:
After the death of his grandmother, Alhaitham lived alone and attended the Akademiya, just as Kaveh did as his mother left for Fontaine after his enrolment. Kaveh’s loss of family leads directly into him meeting Alhaitham. This establishes a direct correlation between Alhaitham and family, indicating that Alhaitham filled a role recently lacking in Kaveh’s life. This is relevant to Alhaitham, as he had enrolled in the Akademiya after the passing of his grandmother, meaning that, similar to Kaveh, he, too, had no family.
The idea of found family, as in, a tightly knit support network built with mutual sentiment between unrelated people, is introduced in Sumeru as the joint-thesis. Academic family is highly valued amongst scholars and comes into fruition through the working together on projects. This can be observed within the dynamic between Tighnari, Cyno, and Collei, as during the Windblume event, they describe themselves as a family formed outside of academia, even assigning themselves titles akin to a real biological family.
Alhaitham and Kaveh then established this found family in each other upon working together on a joint thesis, although additional scholars initially worked with them before dropping out. Their argument culminated in Kaveh ripping up their thesis, which effectively ended their friendship, and familial bond, made mutual by Alhaitham removing his name from the project. Kaveh, however, is described to have pieced the thesis cover back together with “deep regret”, and placed it in his old sketchbook.
In this, Kaveh regrets the loss of his connection with Alhaitham, and the family that their joint thesis established. Although he has pieced together the thesis cover, their family remains severed as reconciliation is perceived as implausible due to their differences:
Most notably, it is the building which serves as Alhaitham’s house which is crucial to the motif of home. Due to their combined efforts in their joint thesis, the Akademiya gifted the two a research centre, as the results of their thesis had significant impact despite not being completed. When Alhaitham took up the property after graduation, he heard through a third-party, sent by Kaveh, that Kaveh was relinquishing rights of the property due to him not being in need of a house. It was after this that Alhaitham invested in the property, converting it into a house, where he took up residence, and then invited Kaveh to live with him, after the two met in the tavern. Although it is understood to be Alhaitham’s property, since Kaveh relinquished his right to it, Alhaitham considers Kaveh to be his “roommate” rather than a tenant, despite Kaveh paying rent.
Kaveh and Alhaitham split the chores according to Alhaitham’s Character Story, although they mostly fall to Kaveh; they both make attempts to decorate the house; presumably they eat dinner together, according to Alhaitham’s Story Quest where he excuses himself in order to have dinner, only to talk to Kaveh; the two can be seen to share a study; when ordering out, Kaveh orders extra for Alhaitham – a common enough occurrence for Alhaitham to be confident in relying on this. Rather than “cold” and “lonely” this conjures the image of warmth and familiarity. In this, it can be inferred that the two have created a home together.
Referring back to Kaveh’s understanding of “home”, as in a place in which words are not necessary, and linking it to the idea of companionship being more important than understanding introduced in his hangout. The latter idea consists of supporting a person, regardless of the ability to empathise with and relate to their particular struggles, should be valued over attempting to be wholly understood by people who are not willing to listen.
In this, Alhaitham is offered as a companion to Kaveh, where he cannot empathise with Kaveh’s artistic and idealistic struggles, but he is willing to listen to him, rather than offering words which cannot solve Kaveh’s particular problems.
By Kaveh’s understanding of “home” as a place in which people are at ease with each other and support another regardless, this can be seen within his relationship with Alhaitham. As Kaveh has pieced together their ripped up thesis cover with “deep regret” of what it symbolises, the severance of his and Alhaitham’s relationship, Alhaitham inviting Kaveh to live with him serves as mirroring actions of reconciliation.
Kaveh's idea of 'home' in encapsulated in both the building and the company Alhaitham provides. The building that had initially served as a physical representation of their severed harmony of ideals, aborted friendship and dissolved found family, has been transformed into a house, and now a home for the two to share.
#haikaveh#kavetham#alhaitham#kaveh#haikaveh meta#im never getting over kaveh's hangout#a parade of providence is kaveh's story quest yep yes i said what i said#companionship over understanding is alhaitham's 'the issue we're debating has long since moved on from who's right or who's wrong'#but their home being formed from their aborted thesis creates a space in the narrative for reconciliation??#and POTENTIALLY a chance for them to be on the same page once more to do good for others? like their thesis allowed them to do#as in them balancing their ideals doesn't only allow them to better themselves but it can also benefit others#chewing teeth to this thought btw
49 notes
·
View notes
Last Seen Blogs
nownuworship
NowNu Worship
hypn-o-s
Welcome!
whyangelscry
its too cold outside for angels to fly
ketofoodguide-blog
Untitled
guilhermebubble
Halley Comet