#okay but real talk for a minute? .........;-;
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I finally finished reading the fourth volume of svsss in full, and thing is--the first time through I only read the bingqiu content because I was ravenous for more of their happy ending.
Turns out that was a perilous mistake.
Because I started reading the airplane extras. And I swear to god. MXTX is trying to kill me
What do you MEAN demon lord Binghe was sitting on his big fucking throne. All stoic and forbidding. Surrounded by his demon generals who don't know shit about human courtship. Asking them what he should do, fully demoralized by constant rejections from sqq, only to have airplane tell him to act more pathetic and needy. Which is already hysterically funny and insane, UNTIL LBH'S RESPONSE IS THIS, KILLING ME INSTANTLY:
LUO BINGHE. WHY DOES HE SAY IT LIKE: "I already tried that, didn't work--nothing works :/ not mean, not maidenly, not housewife, not spicy, not capable disciple. Is doubling down on clingy really all it will take? What's a born hater with only one love in his life to do????"
The dichotomy of him sitting there like 'how can I reach the unfathomable depths of shizun's heart?' A HEART HE'S ALREADY WON OVER, MIND and then in the Holy Mausoleum solving the puzzle without blinking and being like 'oh yeah you just have to hit the acupoints, no sweat.' Literally the comedy writes itself I'm so--
How am I supposed to be normal about this. MXTX understands the juicy quintessential queer joy of a person with the world's power at their fingertips wishing only for love. Willing to do anything to earn that love, when unbeknownst to them it's already been freely given. Totally not screaming and yelling and clawing at the walls
And that's not even touching airplane's uproarious account of events. The way he's like 'lol what's next, lbh and sqq are best friends now? smfh' only to see lbh TACKLE SQQ LOVINGLY. FOR SQQ TO BE BASHFUL ABOUT IT BUT SO SO FOND OF THE LITTLE SCAMP. This when we've been experiencing sqq's constant inner monologue of 'I'm so cool and so dignified about my role, truly the epitome of propriety and poser-level fortitude.' Meanwhile, in their universe:
Airplane constantly flaming???? Sqq and lbh in his observations????? His absolute bewilderment and confusion????? Legendary. No notes every single second of this shit was hilarious.
Airplane's comment that sqq + older adolescent lbh traveling together was just watching a couple in their honeymoon phase. OR the fact that lbh is exceedingly petty and refuses to share their food in the wake of airplane's interruption of their time together, until sqq relents sheepishly and insists airplane eat what's left (ONLY AFTER PLACATING LBH WITH MORE FOOD FROM HIS PLATE, SOBBING)
Watching airplane salivate over Mobei-Jun and acting like that's totally normal behavior. Finding out mbj and airplane got together first. Finding out sqq encouraged airplane. LIKE THIS. WHILE HE IS STILL IN DENIAL ABOUT HIS OWN FEELINGS:
Mobei-jun clearly thinking their arrangement is a forever thing, heartbroken his human abandoned him with all the hapless fury of a scorned wife swept away by false promises of fidelity. Airplane writing demons to be the type to beat up their crush lovingly and still unable to connect the dots about mbj's feelings. Mbj letting him go and respecting his wishes, only relenting when there's indication airplane was poorly processing his own feelings and didn't actually want to leave. Mbj caring for him and listening to him as soon as airplane voices what he needs directly and with clarity. None of these gays are functional and it's everything to me
Unrelated, but I physically can't hold this information in anymore:
I'm still reeling from younger lbh having his sexual awakening from the image of sqq wrapped in the immortal binding cables. Condemn me as you like he was so, so real for that.
And no I will not be taking any comments about how luo bingge couldn't bear to see luo binghe cherished in ways he never got to have and all the haunting implications of that. I will also not be taking any comments about luo binghe's instinct to look for sqq in that alternate universe, only to be shaken to the very core to be unable to find his shizun anywhere. The unspeakable and latent horror of his relentless mind likely piecing together what happened, but unable to say it; to suspect what is true, and live with the harrowing confusion of his double's actions. To blame himself, to assume that he had let his anger get the better of him in that world and result in unspeakable folly...
I also refuse to talk about how heartrending it is to hear Tianlang-jun weakly say "In the end, I really can't bring myself to hate humans." The implication that the foolishness of that hope and bright-eyed fondness--the very thing that put him through such unspeakable agony--couldn't be beaten out of him entirely. To discover that his faith in Su Xiyan hadn't been misplaced, to the contrary: his beloved hadn't scorned him at all, but rather fought to the miserable end to protect the fruition of their genuine feelings of love when she couldn't protect tlj or herself.
How MXTX has sqq deliberately draw parallels between their situation and that of ygy+sj and tlj+sx; desperately wishing it might not be too late for them. The concept of breaking cycles of abuse and harm pervasive throughout the newly devised story, how it evolves for the better only when love takes the place of power, pride, and domination. How the moment sqq chooses vulnerability instead of saving face, the genre shifts to the so-called "cringe" girly genre where most if not every character is more fulfilled, more true to themselves. How the "male-oriented" former genre was aimlessly sensationalized and sexualized, how it was a sustained performance of aspirational toxic masculinity. How men objectify other men without end. All of the unspoken gendered implications that come with that.
Anyways. Going to go put my head in a sandbox and try to process everything I just witnessed because even a second reading is not enough to find a modicum of closure.
#svsss#bingqiu#moshang#i swear to god this series is just 'gay man who doesn't know shit inflicting his delusional reality on everyone else and inciting chaos'#and literally it's slapstick levels of hilarious every single time; mxtx never change#also i fully agree that we did not get NEARLY enough mobei-jun and sqh/airplane content#the amount of mental illness to mental illness communication going on there was astonishing#mobei-jun being afraid of his uncle and bringing sqh because that's the only person he trusts fully (WAILING NOISES)#sqh having a tantrum but running away because for the first time he was honest about his needs + his dissatisfaction with catering to other#how that reflects his narrative compulsions and how he felt forced to warp more creative story paths for the sake of survival as a writer#how sqq's restoration of much of his original intent--as well as mobei-jun's acceptance of his needs--helps airplane begin to heal#how his happiness begins; how just like sqq he wanders in such confusion and denial before he's forced to realize what truly matters to him#SHREK VOICE: STORIES HAVE. L A Y E R S#it feels like modern day shakespeare and when i say that i don't mean it in a hollow elevating sense i mean it more like#mxtx just hits that perfect balance of poignance but also hilarious concentric circles of botched communication and brainworms#okay but real talk for a minute? .........;-;#the way lbh constantly struggles with such a crushing feeling that he'll be abandoned over any little mishap/thing/problem#really hit me where it hurts??? if only because its so clearly an anxiety that stems from original goods' upbringing#the way it becomes even more heartrending when you think back to all the sect leaders clamoring that he should have been killed as an infan#that he should have been aborted as a fetus--insisting right in front of him that his birth was a mistake and a disgrace#over having demon blood in his veins. like my god that scene is so viscerally upsetting i struggle to read it#the way its so easy to see the demons as a manifestation of otherness in precipitated form#how both sqq and sqh are influenced by human rhetoric without evening meaning to--assuming the worst against their better judgment#how both sqq and sqh both struggle with their own otherness in different ways and only find solace when they begin to accept who they are#how their lovers (lbh and mbj respectively) both are willing to navigate those confusing waters with them#how both demons love them as they are--accept them as they are despite how difficult forgiveness of perceived betrayal is for them#ty mxtx for changing my brain chemistry#as i get older i have such a fondness for the messiness of thematic queer self-discovery and growth into self-acceptance#that and how youth can so easily be defined by perfectionistic self-harm and the violence of repression
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a thing about rtd's era that i really really love seeing again is how he will usually wrap up the plot 10 or even 20 minutes before the episode ends and then the rest of that time is just dedicated to the characters talking to each other and dealing with their emotions and situations. like instead of a last minute win and a two minute goodbye they always get these massive spans of time to really get into everything emotionally and it always makes the episodes hit even harder
#this is rly on my mind since i just finished rewatching s3 too and like. the end of the#world plot wraps up in like 30 minutes the rest is just the characters talking to each other it's so good. houghhdgdgh#like they always leave so much time for everyone to just. HAVE CONVERSATIONS. and every#character has so many little things they do like for example martha calling up the ppl she#met during the year that never was.. like. you could say those scenes weren't necessary coz they#dont add anything to the plot and they really dont! we coulda spent that time on the Big Bad Villain. and yet it's a#much better use of that time because it makes everything feel so much more real#yes these ppl wont even remember meeting martha but here they are. they're okay and she cares abt them so much#same with the new ep like the plot ends at like minute 40 the rest is just them hanging out😭😭😭 it's so good....#doctor who#14th doctor#10th doctor#15th doctor#rtd#the giggle
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i really want a story in which tim and lois get up to snoopery, sneakery, spying, and shenanigans together. i don't have a plot for this yet but i want it so bad. lois would be such an enabler to tim and i want to see it!!!! they're both nosy little bastards with an inability to stay in their own lanes (ha) or to sit idly by when they perceive they can do something about a problem!! i need them to get up to something together...
#my vision is that tim interns with lois for a semester or something and there's so much office gossip bc lois NEVER takes interns#they meet tim and he seems like a polite nice little guy. unassuming. what did lois make an exception for him for???#and then toyman sends a small army of toy soldiers with real guns into a shopping mall and lois goes CMON TIM and tim.#instead of going YOU WANT TO RUN INTO THE MIDDLE OF IT???#goes Let's take my car it'll get us there faster!!!#and cat grant and jimmy olsen just stare at each other over the coffeemaker for a minute and then (in very different tones of voice)#just say in unison ''oh boy. there's two of them...''#rimi talks#tim#lois#ft. background kon and clark going hmm. two of them. yup there they go. should we--? yeah probably okay let's go
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Whatever other issues Stranger Things 4 has (and there are many, and no, I don't want to talk about them here, make your own fucking post, I'm serious, don't), whoever wrote their captions did an amazing job.
They describe the sounds, they tell you what kind of emotion the music is conveying. [vines squelch wetly]. [intense synth music swells]. [shreds solo]. [Billy rages]. ["Every Breath You Take" by the Police plays, distorted]. [sinister industrial music swells]. [disconcertingly jaunty music continues]. [ominous stinger]. [breathes in shakily]. [swarm stops screeching, thrashing]. [tentacles undulate moistly].
These sound cues are important -- indispensable, really -- for full understanding of the plot, mood, and themes of the show. These captions are incredible, and more shows should pay attention to how this was done, and do this! Accessibility means being fully included in an experience, and honestly I cannot think of a show that did this better than Stranger Things 4 (part 2 was especially good at this).
Like... this should be the standard.
#stranger things#spoilers#stranger things spoilers#body horror#i cannot stress enough how much i do not want to talk about the VERY real issues with ST on this post#it's okay if i can just talk about disability stuff for a minute
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purple is my favourite colour for aesthetics AND for prose
#reading my old stuff like good god man. youre fucking insufferable.#writing my new stuff like. good GOD man.#sorry i love 100 word run on sentences and 16 commas and excessive descriptors and its fine ok#sometimes you have so much bullshit between two dialogue fragments you forget what the guy was talking about entirely. and thats okay.#whatever this was genuinely valid bc jiang cheng does think for 5 minutes per anyone saying one line its real im right
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yknow i was a little miffed when yoimiya got her second story quest but i can't even be mad that cyno's getting his. he's been around since manga days he deserves it
#personal stuff#delete later#like good for him. also who is that. i know a playable design when i see one#like we are FINALLY GETTING PERMANENT HERMANUBIS LORE.#ARLECCHINOOO. OH MY GODDD#I CANNOT BELIEVE SCYTHE ARLE REAL. i avoided looking at leaks for so long and her animations are SO nice wtf#her WING???#OH MY GODDD??? SHE'S THE NEW WEEKLY BOSS???#SHE LOOKS SO FUCKING COOL. HER WINGS#HEY WAIT A FUCKING MINUTE. FURINA OR NEUVILLETTE STORY QUEST 2 WHERE?#are they pushing stuff back. no dain quest last patch no archon or equivalent quest this patch :(#yes i am soo excited to see her lines about the other harbingers#still biting the bars of my cage why are there so many black white and red hyv characters coming out at the same time#STILL CANNOT BELIEVE WE'RE GOING TO REMURIA. RIPS AND TEARS#OH SHIT IT'S RELATED TO PETRICHOR. WE'RE GETTING THAT TOO.#wtf kitty event was foreshadowing. new talking cat#so we're not getting dornman port... :(#oh hey cool dvorak is coming back#new horn instrument!! it looks neat#ah. windtrace :/ i'm not one for co-op events i was hoping fr something else. good for you guys though#NATLAN CRUMBS WOOO#okay. overall looks like a neat update i'm looking forward to petrichor a lot. PLEASE say gourmet supremos. PLEASE.#i've been waiting so long to see them please let them come back...#also arlecchino looks cool as hell.#a little disappointed that no furina or neuvillette or dain quest but what can you do.#maybe we'll get a dain one next patch since we're getting remuria now? probably not but i can dream#checked the voice actors list under the trailer. oh hey we're seeing childe again
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just accidentally spilled an entire water bottle on my bed :)
took my sheets off and put a towel over it. then looked up what to do just in case and. like everything said "use a fan" and "mold could happen so be careful" and now i am Terrified of getting mold since so much spilled and since i don't have any fans. i am so tired oh my god i just want to go to bed
#like genuinely terrified of it molding now#so that's great :)#i just wanna go to bed but i feel like i have to tend to my mattress#but i won't be able to work well tomorrow if i stay up super late tending to a mattress i can't even sleep on tonight#ugh sorry the thought of having to buy a new mattress bc of mold Terrifies me#i am a teacher universe like i save a lot but i do not make a lot of money :)#anyways sorry for rambling it's been one of those nights#i was actually having a pretty good day until then#i was getting settled in for the night... put my water bottle down on my bed while i went to piss#and then i was going to get in it and lie down after a long day of work#aND IT FELL AND SPILLED#like yeah that's on me for being stupid but i like keeping water in my room!!! that one hadn't spilled before so i thought i'd be fine for#the few minutes i'd be gone but nooooooo#okay i'm done now sorry#super tired and super paranoid#and my mom said to put my mattress pad over the shower like bestie i live in an apt you think i'm putting my WHITE mattress pad on the rod?#absolutely not i know that's pathetic of me but idc i DON'T do stains not at all nope nope nope#okay done now for real sorry#just freaked :)#corey talks:)
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i need everyone to know i was having such a shitty starting dream last night and then it transitioned with percy jackson barging in and yelling “i need caroline for something!” and he just unleashed me on a bunch of monsters because he knew i needed to stab something
#caroline talks#it’s so funny#this bad dream was just someone telling me that what i’m struggling with is stupid and petty and i will never have it as bad as so and so#all the while this person was cutting off my hair in a bathroom#and then a random percy Jackson.#taking me to the top of the Empire State Building and letting me scream for like 3 minutes#and then him cheerfully going ‘okay! do u wanna kill some monsters!’#and unleashing me in the woods#which. was so real. a good time
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katherine quin uses light mode and angel gives her shit abt it b/c hes 14 but then katherine goes on this whole spiel about how it actually is more accessible 2 people and angie should know better b/c light mode helps disabled people use websites easier and angel never brings it up again
#spacie spoinks#two talk#oc stuff#heyyyy people who i said goodnight ta 30 minutes ago ignore this#katherine the type of autistic 2 EDUCATE HER FRIENDS about the ISSUES!!!#oc: katherine quin#oc: angel galaxio#i love you katherine quin i wanna open your skull and rearrange your neurons#(is doing that in parts 3 onwards)#maybe even a lil of part two#shes mostly just a happy go lucky teen for the first two parts tho#part two gets a bit more. sinister? ig#but part 3 just gets bad#oooh real bad for her#real real bad#okay guys im sleeping now :)#no worries!! dont worry :)
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honestly every single day I wonder how I didn't realise earlier how gay I am. like yeah yeah I know the answer is repression and severe deep rooted internalised lesbophobia but how the actual fuck did I manage to repress that hard? that's got to have been enough hard work that it like, qualifies for being put on my CV
#anyway I've been finding more and more peace in myself lately#tomorrow marks a month since I cut my hair (right now it's probably a month almost on the minute since I booked the appointment actually)#and it feels... kind of unbelievable how much has happened internally for me in that month#I'm getting a little bit emotional about it now actually#everything just. feels so much more right. so much more peaceful. so much more real. so much more OKAY#it's an unimaginable spot to be in#like even now#also just... my mental health has tremendously improved from this alone#obviously realising i'm a lesbian didn't fix all my issues magically#but it definitely helped with like self perception and stuff#know the post tone is joking etc but the repression was honestly taking such a fucking toll on me and I didn't even realise#at the same time I know I couldn't have come to terms with it sooner. I think this was the only way it was ever going to go#I haven't been ready before it's as simple as that#z talks#not horse game
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I'm gonna do the embarassing thing and vent in the tags cuz im embarassed lol
#okay so. real talk. lets all sit down in a little circle. like we're gonna say our abc's#im not doing good. i dont know if its showing in my writing. but im not doing good. and its gonna drive me crazy if i keep it inside so#i think. it should be obvious where im at given the last two fics. but i feel like#i dont know anymore.#i feel like i'm gonna explode im not doing okay im not doing alright at all#i think i need a minute? or maybe i need to write more? i dont know what i need#i just feel like im keeping a secret and that irks me like#like im not posting or writing and i dont want the reason why to be a secret. like everyone to be kept in the dark or think im going ghost#i think if u know me its obvious from the way ive been talking too. idk what to do.#idk what to do!!!! AGGGHHHHHHHHH#IDK WHAT TO DO#“im not doing good” i say. experiencing The Horrors#🙂👍
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every morning I'm like wow.. birdsong and sunshine.....hm.. u know what. maybe there is hope in the world. and everything will be ok :3 and every evening I'm like I Hope A Meteorite Crashes Through My Window While I Sleep Hitting Me On The Head And Killing Me Instantly. and I switch between these multiple times throughout the day and alsosometimes they happen the other way round and theres no sense or reason or order or pattern just the labyrinth forever. yeah I'm good why do u ask
#girls will play videogames to chill out and then 10 minutes later will be hysterically crying in the bathroom brushing their teeth#i dont know whats wrong with me anymore i give up trying to figure it out. thats a lie i wish i could give up but my brain will never-#exit the ouroboros spiral of trying to figure it out bc SOMEone broke the switch for reptile brain pattern seeking activation#i dont even know how i feel right now im either fine or im going to start sobbing again#does anyone know when this ends its not fun anymore and i need to go to sleep :-(#vent post one million and one.......... im fine guys i just like to fantasise that someone i care about reads these and thinks yikes!#and doesnt even acknowledge it irl or do anything except put on performative sympathy when talking abt me to other ppl#bc theres nothing anyone can do and at its not their problem and thats ok i dont begrudge them for it ill keep ventposting forever anyway#but at least maybe a real person HAS read it. so how i feel does actually exist in a witnessable form somewhere. anyway goodnight#dont send me asks this is a VENT POST sorry and thank you okay bye#.vent
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watch as i make comic panels about people that you all don’t even know about, let alone care about *cracks my fingers* lets get to work
#talking to the stars#literally made a new one within the 15 minutes of sketching the idea out#okay well. actually like.. some of you know about them actually….#but like. you don’t really know them..?#probably won’t ever much. but i’ll do this to humor myself at the least#now the real struggle is figuring out how the new one looks……#i’ve always had the idea of it in my head vaguely. but it was more of the idea than the looks#and the past designs were always…..ehhh…. less than good#the other two came so easy to me….. sighh…#okay brainstorming…. i already know about the bug stuff. that’s a given… but hhhhh#i’ll get it sooner or later#stupid that i can’t just be impatient and rush this#😔
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didn’t think I’d have blocking heather shaw (the woman known for looking like jim carrey) for being ableist and homophobic toward a person with DID on my bingo card but here we are
#g talks#she could’ve just googled DID and looked into it for a minute#and then maybe the video she stitched would’ve made more sense#but instead she stitched a random user’s harmless video#and started ranting about neo pronouns#and calling them a furry#there were maybe 2 people in the comments concerned#and some idiot claimed to be a psychologist#saying ‘well acktually DID isn’t real 🤓’#i hate this fucking planet#mine#/mobile#/okay to reblog
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Thanks to a lacking in our communication systems, we will have exactly 5 damn minutes of Real Person Socialization today. I am not even kidding.
#I love you online people but I NEED TO TALK TO REAL FUCKING PEOPLE#AND CERTAINLY FOR LONGER THAN 5 MINUTES#I'm not even talking about people outside my house#this is 5 minutes of speaking to my mother#not even#and she couldn't even have bothered to give me a heads up??#okay she *tried* to wake me to tell me *when she left*#*when she knew she was going as of two days ago*#I'm fine#I'm fine :)#this is fine#therapy's only in#*checks notes* like 4 days#we're fiiiiiiine#we'll live we'll live#I'm just grumpy because I haven't talked to anyone today#besides my mother. for less than five minutes.#y'know#as mothers do
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Had insomnia and two nightmares 😞 and my Italian archaeologist trench co-supervisor isn’t here again so I’m calling the shots on my own which is kind of stressful BUT the site director came by my trench and said I “run a tight ship” and that my trench was clean so I’m #winning
#I keep realizing that I am embodying my favorite leadership tropes or more that#those tropes are Real bc that’s what leadership positions where people rely on you to take charge are like#I’m being paid to make sure the undergrads are happy and doing okay and I’m doing extra chores to help out and I’m in charge of my trench#and I keep politely declining help bc it’s MY job to worry and to extra work and I don’t want the kids stressing when they’re here to learn#and have fun and like I find stressing and managing people extremely rewarding#anyways I talked about this with my friend over text and my roommate out loud and in the same MINUTE both compared me to sh*ro which fucking#wig and I am perceived etc but like#I literally feel like I have 13 children that require some measure of my attention all the time but I am honestly considering going into#international programs as a career for a bit in my 20s bc I am thriving overall
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