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chippedaxe · 3 years

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Hate Is A Strong Word

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Title: Hate Is A Strong Word

Warning(s): cursing, maybe a bit of angst? (Not a lot), fluff, arguing, fighting, ect..

Pronouns: They/Them

Synopsis: you and Karl hate each other (or at least you both thought) until it was leaked to the smp that he had feelings for you.

Pairing: c!Karl X gn! Reader

Word count: 1.7k

Note: this is my first sfw fic 😍😍

- if this gets enough attention then I might do a part 2 with some nsfw.

* This is unedited and I didn’t rlly proof read it so if this story actually makes no sense at all than I’m rlly sorry 😭

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Your eyes narrowed and you furrowed your eyebrows as you noticed Karl in the distance, he looked as if he was moving towards you so you were wondering what business he was up to.

“Karl! What’re you doing?” You called out to him but he snubbed you and ignored your question “Fine, ignore me then asshole!” You scoffed and returned to what you were doing, you try to act nice and he doesn’t play along!

You went back to crafting, putting the sticks together and cursing yourself once you realized you didn’t have all the correct materials. You sighed and held onto your nose bridge in annoyance “I can’t believe I forgot to get the red stone!” You grumbled.

This meant more work for you today and you were already tired of it, you sat down and tried to think of a way to get out of doing more hard labor for the day. You got an idea and stood up, there’s got to be someone on the server with red stone right?

You exited your humble house and approached the first person you saw outside which happened to be Purpled “hey! I’m sure that you’ve probably got some on you so I was wondering if I could borrow some red stone? Or just take it from you..” you asked politely “oh I Uh- I actually ran out, I used the last of it on this build right here!” He stood back and presented the stupidest thing you’ve ever seen.

You nodded “oh alright then- thanks anyways” you passed him and walked down the trail, perhaps Eret had stolen some off of someone and could let you borrow a few? You walked up to him and smiled “greetings! Do you have any spare red stone that I could please use?” You bowed down slightly.

“Oh no, I’m afraid that I don’t have any! I know who does have a whole supply of red stone though!” Eret’s voice sounded condescending and almost patronizing “oh really? That’s great! Who is it?” You smiled excitedly “It’s Karl!” Eret replied.

Your face fell and you frowned, your happiness was wiped from your face and you gave Eret a deadpan look “why does it have to be him?” You groaned “oh I’m sure someone else will have some, you’ll just have to check around..” Eret then scattered away.

You knew that Eret is normally right, she won’t let anyone prove them wrong, so you knew that Karl was probably your best bet at retrieving some red stone. You wiped your face and made your way over to Karl’s whereabouts.

You knocked on the door of his house and waited for him to open the door, you watched as Karl peeked through the curtain and then quickly ran away to pretend that no one was home. You banged on his door angrily “Karl, open up! I just need some red stone!” You yelled out.

“No ones home!” He screamed back at you, you sighed and lowered your head “what a fucking idiot..” you thought out loud, Karl gasped and opened the door “that’s quite rude, don’t you think??” He crossed his arms and huffed. “Oh great- you’re home, can I have that red stone now??” You gave a fake smile “what makes you think I’m gonna give it up so willingly?” Karl rose an eyebrow. What a pretentious fuck.

“Because if you hand it over now then I’ll leave you alone for the rest of the day!” You had hoped that your plan would work “who says that I want to be left alone? Maybe I want to pester you all day!” Karl teased “oh come on! I just need the red stone, give it up!” You held your hands up in defense “oh nuh-uh! That belongs to me!” He blocked the doorway.

You pushed him gently and tried to steal his red stone but he tackled you to the floor, you kicked him off you and then stood back up to dust yourself off “listen here- if you do something for me than I’ll happily give it to you” Karl offered.

“Fine, asshat, what is it?” You had already expected him to send you doing something horrible or incredibly dangerous “I need you to just give this to Quackity, he said he needed it” Karl handed you a bag full of just dirt “he needs a bag of dirt? This seems like the most useless task ever!” You exclaimed.

“It’s not useless if you’re getting something out of it, come back here when you’re done” he shut the door on you and left you to go on your quest. You knew it’d be an easy task, so why did Karl send you to do it? Did he not think you could do it? Did he underestimate you?

You walked back to your house and equipped yourself with some leather boots, they should help your feet with the long walk. You got back up and got back onto the trail, you flung the bag over your shoulder and coughed as some of the dirt came out.

You arrived in Las Nevada’s pretty fast to be honest! Your eyes glanced over the beautiful sight, Las Nevadas is a wonderful place! If you weren’t a traveler than you’d like to settle somewhere like this.

“Quackity!” You came up to the building and called out for him, yelping and jumping back when a little green man appeared behind you “AH!” You screamed and dropped the bag “Oh! You have my dirt! Thank you, Mx. Jacobs!” He ducked down “what?! What did you call me??” You bent down.

He popped back out of the dirt “Mx. Jacobs, Karl Jacob’s partner!” He smiled cheerfully “I’m not dating Karl! And my name is Y/n!” You spat out “oh really, you’re not?? But I heard Karl talking about how much he loves you! I must’ve misunderstood, goodbye Y/n (not the partner of Karl Jacobs)!” He sunk back down but you pulled him back up.

“Hey- no! I wanna talk!” You desperately spoke “oh sure! I have time to kill anyways!” He stuck his tongue out “who are you?” You asked curiously “I’m Charlie slimecicle! You’re Y/n the traveler, Karl’s partner!” Charlie stated incorrectly.

“Hey- no. I hate Karl” you crossed your arms “really?? I was getting the impression that you liked him from the way that you stare at him lovingly from afar” Charlie shrugged “WHAT- HOW DO YOU KNOW ABOUT THAT? I DONT DO THAT!!” You quickly tried to defend yourself.

“Don’t defend yourself, I already said that Karl likes you too!” Charlie was a chill guy “then why does he purposefully irritate me so much?!” You complained “I dunno! I’m gonna go with my bag of dirt now..” Charlie disappeared and this time you weren’t able to catch him.

You continued to sit there for a while, just thinking to yourself about things ‘does Karl really like me?’ You thought. You shook the feeling off “hold on- I don’t even like him! Charlie was talking non-sense!” The words coming out of your mouth did not match the way you were feeling.

Your heart was in your mouth, your chest was sore and your lungs were gasping for air as your hair was beating faster and faster “oh god- shit.. maybe I do like him! I mean.. those times that we don’t fight are really nice” you were conflicted. You decided that it’d be better to just confront your problems so you stood up and went back home.

You knocked on the door of Karl Macon’s house, he answered immediately and snickered “great, you made it back, thought you might die out there” he teased you. You rolled your eyes “cut the shit, Slime boy told me all about you” you accused “oh yeah? Told you what?” Karl backed up a bit “he told me that you had a little crush?” You leaned against the doorframe.

“Maybe I do, what about it?” Karl looked away and lowered his head a bit “well maybe I like you too. I don’t know, I still find you annoying and irritating!” You confessed “I wouldn’t like it any other way. Would you consider dating me?” Karl reached out and grabbed your hand gently “oh fuck-“ you cursed.

“If you’d of asked me any other day than my answer would be so clear! If you’d asked me yesterday than I’d say no but- maybe I like talking to you and arguing with you a little too much to just be your enemy.” You dropped your head and started to blush.

This was a very embarrassing situation for you and you didn’t know what to do “so you’re not sure if you like me or not?” Karl asked “correct. I mean- I’d stare at you from far away and blush but that doesn’t necessary mean that I like you, right?” You hesitated.

“Are you afraid that you might like me?” Karl walked closer towards you “maybe a bit. We’ve been enemies for so long, I’m afraid of what will happen between us if we stop” you answered “I’m sure we’ll still find things to fight about when we’re together” Karl smiled “well- than yes! I’ll go on one date with you” Karl squealed with joy.

“Yes! You’re making me the happiest man alive!” He hugged you “yeah, yeah, am I gonna get that red stone anytime soon?” You pestered him “sure thing! Can I pick you up later tonight?” Karl asked you “8’o clock and no time later than that” you replied before walking off with his red stone.

“Hey wait!- can I kiss you? Just this once?” Karl had started to annoy you with the way he was trying to explain why it’d be better to kiss him now instead of on your first date so you decided to shut him up. You grabbed him by the collar and pressed your lips against his.

This relationship of yours was gonna be a real hassle but you knew you’d make it out alive (not sure about Karl tho)

#mcyt x y/n #mcytumblr #mcyt #mcyt x reader #dsmp x reader #dsmp #dream smp x reader #dream smp #karl jacobs #karl jacobs x reader #c!karl

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angelictrl · 3 years

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hii can i request headcanons for shin being around and then being asked out by his crush ? thanks !!

SHIN BEING AROUND AND THEN CONFESSED TO BY HIS CRUSH.

enjoy the long read n lmk if this wasn’t what you wanted ! i can redo with a non death game au !! also goddamn it, i realized i kin the bastard man. my dumb ass was like “huh ? how is this so in character ?” then i realized i projected wayyyy too much and . kinnie moment besties !!11! 😀✌

WARNING ;; spoilers, spoilers, SPOILERS - up to chapter 2 p2 - and angst 🤙

SHIN TSUKIMI/SOU HIYORI

at first, he’s not sure how to go about getting a crush. i mean, you guys are in a death game, he can’t go getting attached to people like this. especially not in a romantic context ... he’s got to do everything in his power to stay away from you. that’s the key to survival.

in the beginning, he’s polite and even a bit playful, being awfully keen on giving you compliments here and there, but he tries desperately to keep you at an arm’s length despite his friendly act.

being thrusted into the death game was an eye opener for him, and he became a lot more hypervigilant and paranoid due to it. thanks to this, he quickly takes note of his feelings and acknowledges them, but that doesn’t mean that he accepts them. at least, not willingly.

when his “true nature” is revealed during the main game, he’ll disregard his feelings for you and rope you in with the others. after all, he’s the one with the lowest percentage. at least you even have a higher score - no matter what it might be - and at this point, he’s mainly running on jealousy and frustration as everyone turns their back on him for being cautious.

if you dare to try and come comfort him during and/or after the trial, he’ll smile sweetly at you, but his words and tone won’t match his expression.

“... you’re quite the stubborn one, aren’t you, mx y/n ? i don’t see how you could be so cheerful and reliant on others in our situation. after all, people are dropping like flies all around us. joe, kai, and professor mishima are all examples of this. aren’t you scared ? ... no ? because ... you have allies ? ... phft. ahaha, that’s funny ... ! sure ... believe what you will naively, but know that in the end, everyone here wants to survive no matter what. and i know that you’re no exception, so stop pretending.”

and then he’ll stare into your eyes blankly, the feeling of resentment strong in his presence no matter your response or expression before swiftly leaving you to ponder on his belittling tone and harsh words.

on a lighter note, he gets extremely nervous around you, but he won’t let it show. the only thing that really does out him is the way that his palms get really sweaty as he begins overheating in his bundles of clothing along with his faint blush coating the tips of his ears, but luckily his beanie covers it up for him.

he’s really pale, so if you’re the type to tease him, he’ll act grumpy so that the red in his face looks as if he's agitated with you. he’ll even throw in an irritated sigh and huff occasionally, but he’s really just shy and not sure how to respond in the situation you two are in.

during the attractions, he subconsciously makes excuses to convince himself to go partner up with you, always trying to point out the qualities you have that would “benefit him so that he could win dilligently.”

normally, he’d go with kanna, but when it’s a more dangerous attraction, he shoos her away saying that “she’d only get in his way because she’s so weak” - not that he’s any stronger himself, but, y’know the deal.

times like these, you’re his go-to partner, and he’ll even scold you sometimes ? like what ??? but whatever, the dude’s trying to show his concern for you discreetly.

“aha, careful now, mx y/n. if you keep accepting these invitations from me so eagerly, who knows when i’ll manipulate you next or leave you to die in an attraction ? you shouldn’t trust so easily. even worse ... i might just think you’ve begun to fall in love with me ... just kidding. now, let’s begin, shall we ? after you.”

you could consider doing an attraction with him like a date. a very life-threatening and anxiety-inducing date. he’s not all too strong, but he has a strong premonition, and will make sure you don’t end up getting hurt.

he’s also a lot more smart than the people in your group give him credit for - he’s not just some rude bastard - plus, he tries to lighten the mood when he sees you panicking by trying to cheer you up.

“hey, mx y/n ... don’t seem so pale as if you’ve just seen a ghost, now. we’re almost done, so stop thinking about how far we have left to go and think about how far we’ve gotten.”

if you manage to get hurt anyhow, he’ll silently sit you down in the medical room with safalin and treat your injury himself with a sincere and fixated gaze. it’s a very intimate moment and a rare sight of his true self being exposed before he flashes you his iconic smile afterwards. he’ll jokingly tell you to stop being such a klutz before taking his leave.

nearing the end of the attractions to the subgame is when you ask him out, and he couldn’t feel more conflicted. i mean, hell, he’s fucking in love with you, but it’s at the worst time and in the worst place. though, there’s no good time or place to confess in this hellhole.

he’ll look like a fish out of water searching for words before begrudgingly looking around to make sure no one else is nearby, sighing deeply when the coast is clear. he’ll even take his beanie off his head and ruffle his hair, holding that damn hat to his chest before gazing at you sincerely.

“... mx y/n ... i do ... really like you - that’s the honest truth - but i don’t think being in a relationship at the moment is the best idea. if our feelings get out ... it could be used against us by anyone, and i wouldn’t want that ... for either of us. but - please ... don’t look so down ... when this is all over, i would love to go on a date with you.”

after he shows you the real him, shin, he’ll give you a short and inexperienced yet tender kiss, blushing evidently before snuggly fitting his beanie back on his head and wishing you goodnight with a kiss on the cheek.

he doesn’t dare remind you that he has a O.O% chance of surviving so all a relationship with him would do would break your heart. internally, he struggles with some conflict that you deserve better and he should’ve just been harsher to push you away and get over him, but something about you just turns him to putty in your hands and he can’t help it. you’re dangerous.

it also doesn’t stop him from occasionally pulling you aside when nobody is near and kissing you like it’s his last moments. which ... sadly enough, isn’t honestly far-fetched.

during the next main game, his feelings are hell to experience. despite how much he goes on and on trying to push you away to the public eye and make suspicious remarks, you just keep. coming. back. like a stray dog being fed by every flirtatious remark and touch. it’d be a whole lot more cuter and endearing to him if he wasn’t in a death game fearing for his life.

you’ve grown on him. both you and kanna have leeched onto his heart and he has to come to terms with that. he’s always felt some kind of unspoken familial bond with kanna despite the way he treats her, and seeing you always hang out with her even when he’s not around since the two of them are usually inseperable has made him fall even deeper in love with you.

... and it’s pissing him off and wearing him thin.

as much as he tries to convince everyone to vote for him, kanna keeps insisting that she should be voted for instead because it's the only logical way to survive. he’s on the verge of a panic attack, and keeps having to grip his podium tightly from ripping his hair out.

the poor guy is heaving by now, thoughts of survival, kanna, and you, all spiraling as his balance teeters. he would’ve been swaying back and forth about to fall down had it not been for the podium supporting his weight.

god forbid you touch him in this moment. he wants nothing more than to bury his face into your chest or neck and let out all his trapped emotions, but damn it, he doesn’t want you to worry about him. all that matters anyhow is that kanna lives.

“please, y/n, please, vote for me. i’m begging you. i’ll just die anyway.”

the next two votes for you and sara are in your hands, and regardless of your vote(s), there’s a O.O% chance of you getting your happy ending.

yttd masterlist.

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carriagelamp · 3 years

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Art of Aardman

I found myself a cheap copy of the Shaun the Sheep movie, so I was rewatching a bunch of Aardman films earlier this month and decided to hunt down some books too. For anyone that doesn’t know, Aardman is a British stop-motion studio that does fantastic work like Wallace and Gromit, Shaun the Sheep, Chicken Run, Early Man… tons of cool stuff. They’re always quirky and funny and warm-hearted. This was just a very nice art book for anyone that’s a fan of Aardman stop motion and wants to see a bit extra; it shows some cool concept art and blows up the neat details in Aardman work, especially in their intricate stuff like The Pirates! In an Adventure with Scientists!

Asterix and the Picts (Asterix and the Chariot Race, and How Obelix Fell Into The Magic Potion)

I decided to try a couple of the new Asterix comics that were done by the new team, just to see if they stand up to the old ones (that and How Obelix Fell Into The Magic Potion cause I’d never read that one before). They were pretty decent! Asterix and the Picts was my favourite of the two though I wouldn’t say either are going to contest for my favourite Asterix comic... but still! The art looks good and the stories felt like what I would expect, they made for a pleasant couple evenings of reading especially since it’s been so long since I’ve read a new Asterix comic. If you’ve never read Asterix it’s one of the biggest name French comic series in North America, as far as I know and very worth the read. It’s about a single Gaulish village that’s holding out against the invading Romans through sheer force of will, slapstick hijinks, and a magical super-strength potion brewed by their druid. Lots of fantastic visuals and cute wordplay, even in the English translations.

Bear

I found out about this bastion of Canadian literature via tumblr post that was losing its collective mind over the fact that some bizarre bear-based erotica novella somehow won the most prestigious literary prize available in Canada. Since I too found this hilarious and unspeakably bizarre I had to give it a read, obviously. And yes, the flat surface level summary is... a librarian moves out into rural Ontario and falls in love with a literal for-real not-supernatural-not-a-joke bear. And I have to say… it is actually worthy of an award, which I was not expecting given that I was there for a laugh. It has beautiful writing, and the subtextual story is pretty interesting… it kind of makes me think of The Haunting of Hill House actually in terms of themes. (Womanhood, personhood, independence, autonomy partially achieved through escaping the male gaze by claiming non-human lovers... listen if I were still in university I would right a paper comparing the two novels).

I dunno man, it’s fucking weird. Actually a well-written book, but sure is about a woman falling in love with a literal bear. Give it a read if you want something bonkers but like… high-brow bonkers.

Hunger Pangs: True Love Bites

Best book I have read in like… a while. A long while. I am not a fast reader, and I consumed 90% of this book over a weekend. It’s not at all like Terry Pratchett, but at the same time it scratched an itch for me that I haven’t had satisfied since Pratchett’s death. A very clever, hilariously funny poly romance between a disabled werewolf, an anxious vampire lord, and an incredibly powerful woman, with heaps of social satire, political commentary, and sinister undertones. The whole thing reads a bit like fanfiction and I say that in the most flattering way possible -- it is so easy to jump right in and be immediately taken over by the characters and the world and the plot, you never feel like you’re fighting to engage even though the world-building is fascinating and expansive. It welcomes you in right away, it was the book equivalent of a quilt and a hug which is something I sorely needed with all this pandemic bullshit. If you read any of the books on this list, go read that one while I sit here in pain waiting for the sequel.

Kid Paddle

I watched the cartoon of Kid Paddle as a kid and was thinking about it recently, so I decided to hunt down some of the original comics online. They’re fun and weird, with a cute art style and fantastic monsters designs. (My favourites are always about Kid either daydreaming or playing games that involve Midam’s weird warty troll creatures. It’s like a cross between Calvin and Hobbes and Foxtrot with the fun sort of quirks that I love in Belgian comics. Unfortunately, unlike Asterix, I’ve only come across these ones in French, but if you can read French it’s totally worth popping over to The Internet Archive and reading the ones they have available.

The Last Firehawk: The Golden Temple

The lastest Firehawk book. Despite being written for quite young readers, I did enjoy the early books in this series quite a bit. They’re about a young owl and squirrel who found an egg for a magical species that was believed to be extinct. With the newly hatched firehawk, the three of them head off on a mission to find an ancient firehawk magic that could save the entire forest. Very basic adventure story but a good intro to the tropes for children. Unfortunately the quality really feels like it drops with each subsequent book; this will probably be the last one I bother reading.

Lumberjanes: The Moon Is Up

I honestly think I enjoy these Lumberjanes novels even more than the comics just because it really gives time to delve into each story and examine how the camper are really thinking and feeling about everything. (Also I’m always weak for novelizations of anything.) The Moon Is Up is a book that focuses more on Jo, and takes place during the camp’s much anticipated Galaxy Wars, a competition between cabins that goes over several days. While the campers prepare for these challenges though, they also run into a strange little creature with a penchant for cheese and theft. Roanoke cabin needs to keep ahead in Galaxy Wars and somehow deal with the fearsome Moon Pirates that a closing in...

Lumberjanes v4 (Out Of Time)

One of the Lumberjanes comics, a cool, girl-focused, queer comic series. Honestly, this is just a fun series that I never got as into as I should have. My advice is honestly to skip book one because it gets better as it continues, and I’ve really been enjoying the later books now that I’ve given it another go. It follows five campers at Miss Qiunzella Thiskwin Penniquiqul Thistle Crumpet’s Camp for Hardcore Lady Types (Jo, April, Molly, Mal, and Ripley) as they handle all sorts of challenges, from friendship to crushes, camp activities to supernatural horrors, getting badges to not being brutally killed. Great if you liked the vibe of Gravity Falls but want it to be queer-er.

Mooncakes

Another queer graphic novel, but unfortunately not a very good one. It really looked appealing and I had high hopes, but the book itself really didn’t hold up… I actually couldn’t even finish it, the plot was just too… non-existent. The art is fairly mediocre once you actually look at it, especially backgrounds, and it feels very… placid. Not much conflict or excitement or even a very compelling reason to keep reading. If you just want a soft queer supernatural you may get more mileage out of it than me, but it didn’t really do it for me. There’s better queer graphic novels out there.

New Boy In Town

One of the worst books I have ever read. My girlfriend had ordered a very different book online but through a frankly stupendous error was sent this 1980s pulp romance instead. Absolutely nauseating on levels I couldn’t even begin to enumerate here. Naturally we read the whole thing out loud. Probably took us 10 times longer to finish than it warranted because I had to stop every two sentences to lose my mind. If you like bad decisions, baffling hetero courting rituals, built-in cultural Christianity without actually calling it that, and gold panning then boy howdy is this the book for you.

(seriously, you better have patience for gold-panning if you attempt this one, because I sure learn that I don’t)

Piggies

This was a picture book I enjoyed as a kid and had a reason to reread recently. Honestly it’s just very cute and simple, and the art is completely mesmerizing. Wonderful if you know a young child that would enjoy a simple goofy boardbook.

Shaun the Sheep: Tales From Mossy Bottom

Related to my Aardman fascination earlier this month. I tried reading a varieties of Shaun the Sheep books — most of which are mediocre at best — but the Tales From Mossy Bottom Farm series is genuinely good. Just chapter books, of course, but the illustrations match the series’ concept art and each story feels like it could have jumped directly out of an episode. They’re just cute and feel-good! Kinda like Footrot Flats but more for kids, and from the sheep’s perspective moreso than the dog’s.

#aardman animation #shaun the sheep #lumberjanes #kid paddle #asterix #the last firehawk #hunger pangs: true love bites #marian engel #bear #canadian literature #canlit #queer lit #book review #book reviews #chatter

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charming-charlie · 3 years

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Washed Away pt. 5

Title // Washed Away pt. 5

Pairing // Evan Buckley x Reader

Warnings // Mentions of death and a missing kid.

Summary // Who knew hanging out with Buck and Christopher for a day would lead to a life or death situation?

Word Count // 2.5k

Prompt // Hi! Can i request a fic where you were with Buck & Christopher when the tsunami hit? They could be dating or crushing on each other. If nothing comes to mind, then it’s completely fine to ignore this request! Have a nice day!’

Author’s Note // This is the final part of the Washed Away series. || Part 1 || Part 2 || Part 3 || Part 4

Tagged List // @aprildecker-blog @coffeewithoutcaffeine @daddysfavoritesexkitten @chenfordlove @comeasyoudar @carnationworld @averyhotchner @evanbuckos

The sun had set. The day was over, but that doesn’t mean the situation is. You and Buck had been wading through the water for hours, heading to the last place someone said they saw Christopher.

Exhaustion was starting to settle in. You were sore all over too. It felt like you just finished running up and down a flight of stairs non-stop while carrying a bookbag full of weights. Your shoulders hurt, your legs felt like they were going to give out any time soon, and your body was so dehydrated from soaking up and drinking in a lot of saltwater that you pretty much felt delirious.

Finally, civilization was within reach.

A makeshift help spot was set up near the bakery where you and Buck were headed. Water bottles were being passed out and you reached out to grab one. How could something so common look so precious, like it was made of gold?

You twisted off the cap and downed half of it in three big gulps and handed the rest of it to Buck. He finished off the water, nearly gasping for breath by the end. He was exhausted too. You didn’t even know how long you two were walking and the little help was most appreciated.

The people around you looked worse for wear. You couldn’t imagine the struggles they went through to try and save themselves or what their story could be. You were sure it was similar. Everyone lost someone or something in the tsunami and you knew it was going to be hard to get over that.

Then again, did you really want to?

The whole event gave you a new outlook on life and appreciate what you have. You didn’t appreciate your job enough, but you were grateful now. You were a school nurse and you realized you love those kids that you looked after. You loved Christopher, having seen him and checked on him many times thanks to his worrisome father, and it would break your heart to never see that little boy again.

Now is not the time to think about those things. You didn’t know for sure. Let’s not focus on the what ifs.

For a moment, Buck swore he saw Christopher. He saw a little boy clinging to the leg of some woman, and he let out a relieved sigh, only for his eyes to play tricks on him. It wasn’t Christopher at all.

“Mister, are you okay? You’re bleeding,” a nearby passerby said, and Buck glanced down at his hand.

Sure enough, he was.

There was a cut of some kind, and the two of you didn’t even realize it. You frowned, mentally kicking yourself and cursing yourself out for not realizing Buck’s injury. The ex-firefighter sat down, looking worse for wear and you grabbed his hand carefully while examining it.

You ripped off a strip of your shirt to use as a bandage and Buck’s eyes sort of glazed over. Due to his adrenaline, he probably wasn’t feeling any pain.

“What am I gonna do?” Buck whispered as you tended to him, “how am I gonna tell Eddie?”

You said nothing, because you knew whatever you did say wouldn’t exactly be helpful. However, you were there. Side by side, you were there with Buck and Christopher today and everything Buck did was for that little boy. You never seen someone care so much the way Buck does. He has such a good heart and for once, you were hoping against hope that things would work out in his favor. He didn’t deserve this.

After a bit of a break, including some water to get both of your heads on straight, you two were back to the grind. This time, you didn’t have to walk for long.

There was an old mall or hospital, you couldn’t be sure, that somehow turned into a makeshift triage center not too far from where you and Buck were. The two of you practically dashed over to the building and its tents, being careful since there wasn’t a lot of strength left between you.

Buck was looking in the beds, glancing around for anyone that even remotely passed Christopher. You hijacked a few clipboards, searching for Christopher’s name anywhere you can but you both came up empty.

“Eddie dropped Christopher off with me,” Buck began talking to you and you could hear the defeat in his voice. It sounded like he was fighting the feeling of giving up, but he was on the cusp. “He thought it would get me out of my apartment and… out of my head. And you know what I did? I brought him to the pier. I had him, I kept him safe. And then the three of us were on top of the ladder truck and the water receded, and for a moment I felt like I got this. I had you, I had Christopher, and we would be fine. And now Christopher is gone. We checked everywhere. And now I realize I failed. I’m a failure no matter how you look at it.”

You could hear your heart cracking as you listened to him, and you knew nothing you said would change his mind. He was beating himself up over this situation. He did everything he could, and he was still handed the short end of the stick.

Finding Christopher at the makeshift hospital was the last bit of hope he had and now it was gone. You could see the defeat that wavered in his voice and how it hid behind his eyes.

And if that didn’t help the situation, there was Eddie Diaz, tending to a few patients himself. He wore blue latex gloves, had the navy fire uniform on, and was directing a few people into the hospital. Buck nearly choked back a sob as the realization of what to do next was hitting him faster than a wall of bricks.

He had to tell Eddie, and you were going to be right by his side when he did.

However, Buck dashed behind a white tent, pulling you along with him. Turns out he wanted to hide instead of face Christopher’s father.

“Buck,” you said slowly. Your voice was hoarse from lack of water and from shouting Christopher’s name all afternoon with Buck. You felt like your vocal cords were ripped to shreds at this point, but you soldiered on. Now was not the time to accept defeat. “You have to tell him.”

“How?” Buck answered as he looked at you. His hand slowly slipped into your own, and you squeezed his fingers tightly. “How do you tell your best friend that you lost his son?”

“He’s his father. You have to tell him that Christopher is missing,” you said, knowing this was the only chance he had right now.

Buck shook his head, not wanting to hear it. “No, I need to keep looking for him. I need to find him.”

One of your hands instinctively went up to the side of Buck’s face, caressing him lightly. You still couldn’t believe the man in front of you wasn’t giving up just yet, even though maybe he should. You hated the train of thought you were currently on, but Buck was exhausted, and he lost some blood. Plus, it didn’t help that he was severely dehydrated, much like yourself. The two of you were in no condition to continue searching. You probably wouldn’t make it if you tried. You both needed to rest up and regain your strength.

“Buck,” you heard the voice before you saw who it belonged to and your head whipped around to see Eddie. The man was heading outside to continue helping and he looked a bit surprised to see his best friend standing there. Then his eyes fell on you, and the look of surprise seemed to double. “Nurse Y/N, what are you both doing here? Are you okay? Wait, where’s Christopher?”

There was no time to prepare a giant speech. Eddie Diaz was right there in front of you both, and it was now or never. You let go of Buck as you turned to face the father of one of your favorite patients, ready for what was about to happen. This was a conversation you were dreading, and you couldn’t imagine the internal conflicts Buck must be going through as he mustered up the courage to say what happened.

“Eddie…” Buck interjected in between Eddie’s many questions, and the army vet stopped talking.

For a moment, the two best friends stared at each other, like Buck was hoping Eddie would get the hint without saying anything, but you knew that would be the cowardly way out. If there was one thing you learned today, it was that Buck was not a coward. Not now, not ever.

“Me and Christopher… we were at the beach, and I swear to you…” Buck was choking on his words and you squeezed his hand again for support.

Eddie was nodding, trying to understand, but the look on his face was heartbreaking. It was like if he didn’t hear it, it wouldn’t be true.

“I tried… and I just… but I… Eddie, I just don’t know how to say it. Um, he… he um…” Buck couldn’t get through it. He was stumbling over the words and Eddie’s eyes were brimming with the threat of tears as Buck tried to get the words out.

What made it even worse was that Eddie couldn’t even look at Buck. The army vet was looking behind his best friend, like he needed to avoid eye contact with what Buck was saying.

“Christopher?” Eddie questioned softly, like he needed clearance on what Buck was saying, but your gaze followed Eddie’s. A woman had stepped off a truck, carrying a small child. Your heart almost stopped, and you pulled on Buck’s arm to get him to stop talking.

Eddie slowly walked past you and Buck, and he approached the woman. Slowly, Buck turned around to follow Eddie feeling like this was Eddie’s way of coping with denial.

“Christopher?” Eddie called again, and like music to your ears, you heard the little boy shout for his dad.

The woman was carrying Christopher the entire time, bringing him to safety. Tears exploding out of your eyes once you realized what was going on and you stole a glance at Buck. Buck looked elated, like he was about to cry from relief as well. Christopher was alive and in Eddie’s arms, and there was no greater feeling than that.

“Buck, what happened to you?”

Suddenly, the fire crew of Station 118 popped into view. You didn’t know them personally, but you could venture a guess who from all the stories Christopher was told you during his visits to your little office at the school.

Captain Bobby Nash stood in front of the two of you, and he looked deeply concerned. He looked back and forth from you to Buck before asking, “Are you two okay?”

However, your exhaustion was caving in, along with Buck’s. The two of you practically collapsed to the floor and the fire family scrambled to hold onto both of you. That was the last thing you remembered, passing out next to Buck in the arms of his old crew.

It took a while, but the city was in clean up mode. You and Buck had a nice, extended stay at the hospital, hooked up to fluids and oxygen before given a clean bill of health. You were discharged first, since Buck had some lacerations that needed stitching up but the two of you texted nonstop while he regained his strength.

You went back to your job as the nurse at the elementary school, although you also became sort of a guidance counselor to the kids. Turns out, when you were checking for lice or fevers, they needed someone to talk to and you could just relate to them in a way. You were a familiar face in all the chaos, someone they needed to hold onto in order to make sense of things.

Christopher’s appointments never stopped either. In fact, they seemed to be increasing, only because Christopher wanted to talk to you and hang out with you.

“Honestly Eddie, he’s doing fine,” you spoke to Eddie on the phone about his son. You were sitting at your desk, making your daily calls to parents and Eddie Diaz was no stranger to the phone calls. “He’s in good spirits. Nothing is wrong with him, he’s pretty perfect.”

“You know, I never got to thank you,” Eddie’s voice crackled in your ear, “for what you did. Christopher told me how you and Buck saved him, and you have no idea how much I appreciate that.”

The two of you hung up, although there was promises of talking tomorrow. Talking to Eddie was a recurring thing in your life at this point, and you could use the stability.

“Knock knock,” a head peeked into your office, “these came for you.”

The secretary opened your door and placed a bouquet of colorful roses on you desk. There was a white card attached, looking strikingly clean in the middle of the rainbow of flowers.

You pulled off the card and it only said two words.

Come Outside.

Curiously, you stood up and grabbed your stethoscope, draping it around your neck. You never went anywhere without it now, and you weren’t sure what kind of situation you were getting yourself into. You rounded a corner and pushed open the heavy steel door that led to the front of the school. There, standing in all his glory, was Evan Buckley with the most beautiful smile you had ever seen.

“Thank you very much for the flowers,” you said as you smiled at him in return. “Why didn’t you tell me you were out of the hospital. I would’ve sent you some breakfast or something.”

“That’s part of the surprise. So, surprise!” Buck said happily as he approached you.

You just smiled at him, letting his arms snake around your waist as he hugged you tightly. Your arms draped around his neck and it felt so good. It felt familiar.

As you pulled away, you were greeted with something else. Buck, with no hesitation whatsoever, leaned in and captured your lips in a sudden and welcomed kiss. It was all you wanted, all you were waiting for, and you let yourself melt into his arms as he kissed you with such force and determination, you knew you would be a puddle of goo by the end of it.

“Let me take you out on a date,” Buck whispered against your lips, his lips brushing over yours with each and every word, “a real one this time. Just me and you.”

Your heart felt like it would leap out of your chest and you couldn’t manage to bring any words out. Instead, you nodded as you leaned in to kiss him again.

This was all you wanted. You’ve never been happier. You finally had the moment you wanted with Buck and now, a date on the horizon. With your luck, it would be the first of many, you were sure of it. There was no way you were going to let this man go, ever.

#Buck #evan buckley #buck x reader #buck x you #evan buckley x reader #evan buckley x you #oliver stark #9-1-1 #9-1-1 on fox #9-1-1 fic

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cherienymphe · 4 years

Text

The Babysitter

Warnings: NON-CON, Dark!College!Peter, mentions of abuse/abusive relationships, slight age gap

!!! Please don’t read if any of this offends you !!!

summary: You are Peter’s first and only love, and all he ever wanted was to show you how much better it could be.

Peter Parker was a sweet kid, always had been. Maybe referring to him as a kid was a bit dramatic of you considering you were only four years older than him. But you had met the sweet brown eyed boy when he was in fact a kid. Eleven to be exact.

You recalled the way his eyes had widened up at you when he opened the door, a flush climbing over his cheeks as he nervously stammered. There was a bit of a sparkle in his eyes, a dazed look that made you chuckle. However, that dazed look was gone the minute his aunt informed him that you were there to watch him.

“A babysitter?” he had scoffed, face even redder.

You remembered how he had pouted and complained as you sat your backpack down, but his aunt wouldn’t budge. It had taken him more than an hour to finally leave his room again, reluctantly joining you in the living room.

“Pizza?” you offered him.

He eyed it for a bit before accepting, a pout still on his face. He didn’t say anything, and neither did you. The both of you just sat on the floor, watching tv and eating pizza as you waited for Ms. Parker, or May as she preferred, to come back.

“I’m too old for a babysitter,” he’d said after some time.

A slow smile crept over your lips, and you nodded in agreement.

“I think so too, but your aunt is just worried about you, is all.”

“I’m not a baby,” he protested, still refusing to look at you.

“Noo, but…what if something happened while you were here alone? What if you got hurt…and no one was around to call her?”

He was quiet for a minute before pulling his knees up to his chest, wrapping his arms around them.

“She just wants you to be okay, Peter,” you reasoned with him.

“So that’s why you’re here? To protect me?” he questioned, glancing at you out of the corner of his eye.

You swallowed a chuckle but nodded anyway.

“Yeah, Peter. I’m here to look out for you. Just think of me like a guardian…”

“Like a knight,” he suddenly said, nodding.

“Exactly,” you replied, reaching for a piece of pizza.

The two of you didn’t talk much for the rest of the night, but when his aunt came back home, he looked sad to see you go. Many of the nights after went much like that one had, but eventually, he warmed up to the idea more and more.

He always opened the door for you seconds before you could even knock, like he was waiting for you. That flush hardly ever left his face, and you soon became used to the sight of his red visage whenever you were near. The nights you watched him became less quiet and more rowdy.

You’d spend hours arguing over cartoons and other meaningless stuff. It only got worse when he got his first video game, and the competitive side in both of you reared its ugly head. Eventually, you became less of a babysitter and something more like a friend.

He started to talk to you about school and how left out he felt sometimes. You didn’t like nights like those, because they always made you sad. Peter was a sweet kid. He was smart and funny, and you told him that, encouraging him to make friends with people who liked the same things he liked. You knew he was a bit nerdy, but so were you, and you’d been where he was once upon a time.

Time seemed to fly by, and it wasn’t long before your senior year of high school had come. Despite how hectic it was to prepare for graduation and everything, it never interfered with the nights you watched Peter. You supposed that it came at a good time, because he was going to be 14 soon, and May had already mentioned she felt he was long ready to be at home alone. Truth be told, you were surprised you’d held your job for as long as you had, but part of you knew why that was.

It was no secret that Peter had a crush on you. He always looked at you like you hung the moon and was constantly craving your approval on just about everything. He’d done a good job of keeping the heat off of his face whenever you were around, but sometimes it would slip through anyway. You would never embarrass him about it though. It was cute. After all, you could remember some of your own childhood crushes, and maybe one day Peter would look back on it laugh at the crush he’d had on his babysitter.

You’d never considered that it could be anything more. He was just a kid, after all.

“You’ll…you’ll still come see me, right?”

The both of you were sitting on the couch, a large pizza between the two of you. You’d ordered it, feeling nostalgic for the first night you’d come over. Tonight was your last night. You’d be graduating in 3 weeks and off to the local college about a month after that.

You looked at him, feeling your heart clench at the way he wouldn’t meet your eye, just like that first night 3 years ago. You ruffled his hair, and he grumbled, pushing your hand away.

“Of course, I will. I’m only going up the street, Peter,” you said, stuffing your face.

He crossed his arms over his chest, eyes focused on the tv.

“Yeah, but… You’ll make new friends. College friends…and…you’ll meet college guys and stuff,” he mumbled.

You eyed him.

“That may be, but if I’m being honest here, you’re practically my only friend,” you confessed.

He whipped his head around to face you, eyes wide.

“Really?”

You chuckled with a nod.

“Yup! They always told me I wouldn’t leave high school with the same friends I went into it with. I never thought they’d actually be right,” you sulked.

“…but you still have me.”

You grinned at him.

“Yeah, I still have you. Believe me, I am going to still come around because someone has to make sure you stay out of trouble.”

Peter rolled his eyes, tossing his crust back into the box.

“Yeah, yeah,” he grumbled. “I don’t care what the reason is, as long as you don’t forget about me.”

“How could anyone forget Peter Parker? Don’t be silly,” you laughed.

He didn’t join you, and you looked at him curiously as he suddenly turned his body around to fully face you. You found yourself smiling at how much he’d grown in the past few years. He was going to start high school soon, and that made you feel so old despite the fact that you were only just leaving it.

He eyed you for a few moments, that same spark in his eyes that was there that first night he’d opened the door for you. He clenched his jaw, looking incredibly nervous before he took a deep breath.

“Y/N… Will…will you wait for me?”

You frowned in confusion, leaning your elbow on the back of the couch, resting your head against your hand.

“What do you mean?”

He sighed, looking down for a bit before meeting your gaze. His eyes were so serious, much too serious for a 14-year-old kid. Your frown deepened.

“I think that you are so pretty…”

Your heart sank, and you straightened, understanding dawning on you.

“Peter…”

“Not pretty! No, that’s…that’s too lame to describe you. Y/N, I think you’re the most beautiful girl in the world. You’re so smart and funny and nice. You’re nice to everyone, even our downstairs neighbor who has never once said anything nice to you.”

You sighed, turning to face the tv.

“I know you think I’m just a kid-.”

“Peter, you are a kid.”

“Your 18th birthday was literally just last week,” he deadpanned.

“Shut up!”

“Y/N, please. Please! Just…promise me that you’ll wait for me,” he begged.

You looked at him, a frown on your face as you noticed the tears in his eyes.

“I know I’m just a kid, but eventually I won’t be. One day, I’ll be 18, then 19, 20, 21! One day I can give you everything you want, and I can make you happy and hold your hand-.”

“Peter,” you snapped.

“Y/N… Y/N, please. I love you…,” your stomach churned. “…so much. I know you don’t think anything of it, but I do. I love you, and… Promise me you’ll wait for me, and I’ll show you how much.”

You stared at him, unable to break from his pleading gaze. You had hoped this day would never come. You had hoped that his unspoken crush would remain just that. You’d never wanted to have this conversation, because you didn’t want to break his heart. And despite how much you should have in that moment, you didn’t. You weren’t going to hurt him.

You were sure that his feelings were fleeting, and that in 5 years’ time or so, he’d forget all about this. He’d look back on this moment with embarrassment, and you’d both be able to laugh about it. High school was four years, and a lot happens in those four years. You were positive that he’d move on, and that was the only reason you said;

“Okay.

“Y/N! Y/N wait!”

You ignored him, picking up your pace as you wiped the tears from your face. You winced as your hand brushed over your cheek, fingers trembling as you reached into your pocket for your keys.

“Y/N, stop!”

He grabbed your arm, harshly, and yanked you to a halt. You cried out, stumbling away from him as you ripped your arm out of his grip. You faced him, eyes hard with anger.

“For what? What could we possibly have to talk about, Chris?” you sarcastically questioned, throwing your hands up.

He glanced around as a few people stumbled out of the house, loud music briefly reaching your ears before it was muffled again. You crossed your arms over your chest as they walked past the two of you, glaring at the dark-haired man before you.

He suddenly sighed, looking a bit conflicted as he bit his lip. He hesitantly reached out towards you, taking a step forward.

“Y/N…it was an accident. I would never-.”

“It wasn’t an accident, and we both know it. I can’t… I can’t do this anymore, Chris. I just can’t,” you replied with a shrug.

He clenched his jaw, eyes darkening a bit as he took in your words.

“What the hell does that mean? Are you breaking up with me?”

“I didn’t think it needed to be said considering not five minutes ago you were slapping me like you were getting paid for it,” you snapped.

He glanced down, eyebrows furrowed.

“I said I was sorry.”

“…and I don’t care. You have a problem with my family, my friends, my clothes, my hair! You’re never satisfied unless I’m doing exactly what you want me to do, and now, I can’t even leave your side for 5 minutes to get a drink without you thinking I ran off to go fuck some random guy?”

He swallowed, and you shook your head at him.

“I’m sorry, okay? I get…I just get insecure sometimes,” was his weak defense.

You scoffed, a tear skipping down your cheek as you eyed him.

“You get insecure? So you hit me? Is that what you’re going to do every time you feel a little insecure?”

“No! I told you, it was an-!”

“I don’t care what it was, Chris. This is it. This is the last straw. I’ve put up with this for too long, and I will not be with a man that slaps me around just because his feelings are hurt. Get a therapist,” you sneered, turning away from him.

You yelped when he grabbed you again, yanking you to him. You reached out to hit him with your free hand, but he gripped your wrist, holding you to him.

“Y/N, please, lets just talk about this,” he begged.

“Let go of me,” you demanded.

He ignored you, instead shaking you a bit as he pleaded his case.

“Y/N, listen to me!”

“Stop-!”

You cut yourself off with a gasp when a fist came out of nowhere, getting Chris clean in the jaw. He was hit hard enough to collapse, and he gripped his face with a loud groan. You stumbled back, but a hand on the small of your back stopped you.

Grateful, you looked up, ready to thank your savior when you paused. Your gaze connected with that of familiar brown eyes, equally brown hair pushed away from a familiar face. Your heart skipped a beat as your eyes widened, shock hitting you square in the chest.

“Peter,” you breathed.

He glanced at your ex-boyfriend who was clutching his face before gently grabbing your hand and leading you away.

“Peter, wh-what are you doing here?” you asked as you followed along in a daze.

“Um… Ned wanted to come check out this party he’d heard about,” he replied.

You stopped walking, and he did too, facing you as you eyed him.

“So you and Ned are still friends. I’m happy to hear that. It’s not like I would have had any other way of knowing…”

Your tone was a bit accusatory and Peter at least had the gall to look ashamed.

You hadn’t seen nor heard from Peter in over a year. You still talked to May occasionally, but never a word from Peter. It was so strange. You and him kept in touch somewhat regularly since you had graduated. The two of you weren’t exactly BFFS or anything, especially since you both made new friends as you each started the new phase in your lives, but one day, a year ago, it just stopped.

Your texts asking him how he was went unanswered. You wanted to know if he was excited for college and if he was sad to leave high school, but you never found out. You weren’t even invited to his graduation, something that had struck a nerve. After all, you babysat him for years, and as old as it was going to make you feel, you still wanted to see him graduate. It was a huge accomplishment that you wanted to witness.

“I’m sorry,” he eventually said.

You crossed your arms over your chest.

“Are you?” you genuinely asked.

He straightened, eyes widening as he blinked at you.

“Yes! I’m…so sorry, Y/N. Things just got crazy and different and I just had a lot to deal with.”

Your brows creased as you could visibly see the stress along his features. He suddenly looked like he had the weight of the world on his shoulders. You started to grow worried.

“Is everything okay? May?”

“No, yeah, aunt May is fine. Everything’s fine, now,” he replied, scratching the back of his head.

You nodded.

“That’s good to hear.”

You had only gone a year without seeing him, but he looked so different. His jaw seemed to be taut with tension, and there was a crease in his forehead that hadn’t left since you’d seen him. He was dressed plainly in a dark grey t-shirt and dark jeans. He had gotten a bit taller, and you blinked in surprise. The last time you saw him, he was already a bit taller than you, but now he was even more so. You suddenly remembered your manners.

“Thank you, by the way,” you said.

He eyed you, suddenly very serious as he crossed his own arms over his chest. The t-shirt he wore stretched over his muscles as he did so.

“Who was that jerk?”

You sighed, glancing away.

“My ex-boyfriend,” you confessed.

His eyes darkened, and he glared over your shoulder.

“What were you guys fighting about?”

You opened your mouth to answer before thinking better of it.

“It was nothing.”

“It didn’t look like nothing,” he argued, eyeing you.

You heaved another sigh, turning your face away as you refused to tell him the truth. You realized your mistake when you heard his sharp intake of breath. His hands gripped your chin and face before you could do anything, a slight gasp escaping him.

“Your cheek is swelling,” he said, worry and wonder in his voice.

You pulled away from him, briefly closing your eyes.

“Peter…”

“Did he do that?” he asked, disbelief and outrage coloring his tone.

“Peter, he’s my ex now, okay? It’s not going to happen again,” you said, looking up at him with pleading eyes.

You had never seen him look like that in all the time you’d known him. Sure, he got mad sometimes, especially when things didn’t go like he expected them to, but now he looked angry enough to kill. His hands were clenched into fists, face tense with rage. A wild look was in his eyes.

“Peter, I’m okay,” you said, stepping towards him.

“I should have punched him again,” he spat.

“I’m not going to argue with that, but please don’t. I’ve had enough violence for one night, and I just want to go home-.”

“I’m coming with you.”

You paused, blinking up at him.

“What? Peter, no. You came with friends. Go have fun with them, don’t worry about me,” you replied.

He shook his head, grabbing your keys out of your hand.

“No, I’m going with you. You need to put something on your face,” he disputed.

You opened your mouth to argue but decided to pick your battles. With a nod, you led him towards your car. You didn’t have a chance to say anything before he was sliding behind the wheel. To be honest, you were emotionally exhausted for the night and was quite relieved to relax in the passenger seat. You didn’t even know Peter knew how to drive, now, and your heart clenched as you felt like you had missed so much despite only missing a year.

You laid your head against the rest as Peter pulled away from the noisy house, listening to your directions instead.

“You…kind of have the worst taste in men,” he sheepishly said.

You gasped, mouth falling open in shock and mock outrage as he held a freezing bag of peas to your face.

“Are you seriously blaming me, right now?”

He spluttered, a flush taking over his face as he rushed to correct himself.

“No, no! Of course not. I’m just saying… You know how you are,” he added.

You frowned at him, narrowing your eyes a bit.

“No, how am I?”

He rolled his eyes.

“Oh, come on, Y/N. Remember that asshole you dated your freshman year of college? Or that jerk way back in your junior year of high school?”

You did actually. You’d ended up crying all night on May’s couch when you should have been watching Peter because Dylan had dumped you for some more popular girl. Peter, in all his chivalry, had let you have the rest of the pizza while he listened to you cry your heart out. You didn’t even want to talk about Nate.

You’d brought him over to May’s one day when you went to visit her and Peter after being in school for a few months. Peter hated him from the first moment they’d met. You remembered how angry you were that Peter was acting like such a kid and embarrassing you in front of Nate. You’d even said some pretty harsh words to him, something you apologized for when Nate inevitably showed his true colors.

“How could I forget,” you quietly mused.

Maybe Peter had a point. Looking back, the guys you’d dated had shown red flags from the start, all of which you had ignored. Even tonight shouldn’t have come as a shock to you. Chris was always so jealous and irrationally angry over the smallest of things. You should have left the minute he started telling you to stop visiting your family so much.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that,” Peter apologized. “None of this is your fault.”

“No, I’m glad you said it, Peter. You’re not entirely wrong,” you sighed. “I see the signs and I just…ignore them.”

Peter didn’t respond, instead running his eyes over you as he shifted the frozen vegetables. He swallowed, suddenly stepping back.

“What did you see in any of them?” he quietly asked, almost desperately.

“To be honest… I don’t know,” you responded with a shrug.

Peter sighed before setting the cold bag on the counter behind you, resting his hand there.

“Is it…because they’re older? Or even just your age?”

You frowned in confusion, tilting your head at him.

“I’m sure that’s not it. What makes you think that?”

He stepped away from you, shoulders tense as he turned around and stared into your living room.

“I stopped talking to you a year ago because…because I was trying to move on. I was tying to forget you,” he quietly admitted.

Your frown deepened, a dreaded feeling take hold in your stomach.

“What?”

He turned around, dark eyes troubled.

“I was trying to forget you. You were enjoying college and new friends and new boyfriends, and I got tired of trying to show you that I was becoming someone you could be with. I thought that maybe you deserved better and someone who could relate to you more, but then…”

He released a shaky breath, face hardening as he stared past you.

“Then I saw you tonight…with him. He was hurting you, and you were screaming, and I wanted to hurt him like he was hurting you.”

“Peter…”

Just like that last night, a realization was coming to you, and you didn’t like it. His eyes softened as he looked at you.

“Do you remember…”

“Peter, don’t.”

“…when you said you’d wait for me?”

You scoffed in disbelief, pushing away from the counter to walk around it, leaning against your stove as you looked at him with wide eyes.

“Peter, that was years ago! I… I just didn’t want to hurt you,” you confessed.

His face fell a bit, and you felt like you were going to be sick. You had never wanted to hurt him. Everything that you had done was to prevent that. You thought he would have forgotten.

“You only said that to spare my feelings?”

“I thought you’d move on!”

“I tried!”

You pressed your back into the metal behind you, eyeing him as his eyes glistened. Desperation took over his features, and his lips trembled.

“I tried so hard, but… I love you.”

“Peter, no-.”

“I have been in love with you for years. I thought I could forget, but I can’t. I wanted you to live your life, but tonight just proved to me that I should have never tried to let you go. I should have been by your side as soon as I graduated. Tonight never would have happened if I had been,” he ranted.

“Peter-.”

“I can protect you, now. I mean…I could have protected you for years, but now I have the freedom to actually do that.”

“Peter, you don’t have to do that,” you argued. “That isn’t your job.”

He licked his lips, a thoughtful expression on his face.

“Do you remember that first night you came over…and you said that you were just there to look out for me? To protect me, like a guardian?”

“Yes,” you whispered.

“Well, now it can be my turn.”

“Peter, no! Okay?”

You felt like a broken record. He walked towards you, face determined.

“You don’t know the things I can do, Y/N. I can look out for you better than any of those other guys out there! I know you think I’m being silly and that I’m just oh so young-!”

“You are!”

“I’m 20, Y/N! 20! That’s 4 years younger than you! You have friends that are 20,” he desperately argued, eyes wide.

“That’s different!”

“How?”

“…b-because,” you lamely replied.

“I’m not good enough to be with you?”

“Peter…you’re just… You’re so young. No, four years isn’t a big deal, but I babysat you. I watched you grow up with me, and we’re at such different stages in our lives. We want different things-.”

“I want you,” Peter tearfully interrupted.

You swallowed.

“…and I want you to want someone else,” you quietly said.

“That’ll never happen,” he whispered.

“Peter, please,” you tried to reason with him.

He took another step towards you.

“I can make you so happy. Y/N, I can give you so much, you have no idea. You don’t know who I am, now or what I can do or what I can give you. Just give me a chance,” he said through clenched teeth.

“Peter, please leave.”

He paused, face crushed as you held his gaze. You wanted to look away, but you had to stand your ground if you ever wanted to get through to him. He suddenly exhaled, a newfound determination seeping into his features.

You gasped into his mouth as he pressed his lips against yours, hands holding you close as he pinned you in between him and the counter. You pushed against his hard chest, but he didn’t budge, and you whimpered against his lips. One of his hands found your hair while the other found your waist.

“Peter, Peter, stop,” you gasped.

He didn’t listen, both hands pressed onto the counter, now, keeping you trapped. You squirmed against him, and he groaned into your mouth. With reluctance, you bit his lip, and he pulled away with a pained gasp.

His wild eyes met your terrified ones, and his face softened. He reached up to brush his fingers over his bleeding lip, and you swallowed.

“Go. Please, just go, Peter,” you quietly forced out.

He looked like he wanted to say something but thought better of it before listening to you. You let the tears fall as the door slammed shut behind him.

“No, um… I haven’t seen him since then,” you worriedly replied.

“Okay. If you hear from him, you’ll call me?”

“Of course, May. I’ll definitely call.”

You hung up the phone with a sigh, worry coursing through your veins. It had been weeks since that night you’d ran into Peter, and apparently, he hadn’t been in contact with anyone since. Guilt consumed you as you felt like this had something to do with you.

You called the number that you hadn’t dialed in over a year with no answer. You texted him, telling him that he should at least check in with his aunt. If anything happened to him, you didn’t know what you’d do.

You should have never given him hope that you two could be anything more. You should have broken his heart that night 6 years ago. It was silly of you to think that you could ever avoid doing such a thing. It was inevitable.

You rose from your bed, heading towards your bathroom to go shower when you heard a noise from your window. You’d only just turned around when something was over your mouth. You reached up in shock and touched what felt like…webbing? Your hands were bound together soon enough, and your legs followed. With a muffle scream, you fell over only to land in strong arms.

Your wide eyes focused on Peter as he held you, and you were powerless to stop him as he raised his hand, pressing a white cloth over your nose. You didn’t even remember closing your eyes.

“Have you lost your mind?” a somewhat familiar voice screamed.

You didn’t know how you knew that voice.

“Mr. Stark, please! Don’t-don’t freak out, okay?”

Stark. Tony Stark. That was how you knew that voice. You’d heard it on tv during press conferences and such plenty of times.

“Am I hearing this right? You kidnapped a woman, and now you want to keep her here?”

“You don’t understand, Mr. Stark…”

Peter’s voice lowered, and you suddenly realized you were lying on a bed. Your hands and legs were still bound with…whatever, and your head was pounding. You didn’t recognize the dimly lit room, and you struggled to sit up. Their voices were still lowered, and you started to wonder where you were.

You tried to sort everything out in your mind, struggling to come to grips with the fact that Peter had kidnapped you. And that wherever you were, it was far if Tony Stark was in the building too. That brought you to a question as to how Peter even knew Tony Stark.

You didn’t have time to ponder that much before the door opened and Peter filled the entryway. Your eyes widened, and you shuffled back on the bed as he closed the door and approached you. His steps were slow and cautious as if you were the one mostly likely to attack. His expression suddenly softened, eyes apologetic, and you realized that you were crying.

His hands were outstretched in a surrendering way before he slowly used one hand to get whatever it was off of your mouth. A sob escaped you, and he gently shushed you, framing your face with his hands.

“It’s going to be okay,” he whispered, slowly sitting down in front of you.

“I-I’m sorry. Peter, I’m sorry. Please, let me go. I won’t tell anyone,” you tearfully pleaded.

“I’m not going to hurt you,” he said, shaking his head. “I would never hurt you.”

“You…you attacked me,” you replied, voice filled with confusion and fear.

He looked down.

“No! No, not…not really. I just need time. We need time for you to understand,” he argued.

You shook your head in confusion.

“It’s my turn to look out for you, now, and I can. I’ll tell you everything eventually, when you’re ready, but right now…”

He settled his hands on your shoulders, massaging them.

“Right now, I want to show you how much I love you. I want to prove to you that I can be everything you want, and I can give you everything you want,” he continued.

“Peter, I don’t want you! You’re my friend,” you sobbed.

He pursed his lips, a frown overtaking his features. He suddenly exhaled, shaking his head.

“I can be more than that. Let me show you…”

You cried harder when he started pushing you back. Your chest heaved, and you were practically inconsolable as he climbed over you. He freed your legs, but they were of no use to you as he easily pinned them down while he undressed you. He ignored your pleas, tearing your shirt and bra straight down the middle before tearing them off of your arms.

You squeezed your eyes shut as you felt his own taking you in, heat and humiliation flooding through you. He was quiet for a long time as he ran his fingers over your bare skin, and you shuddered when you felt him press a kiss to your chest.

“You’re so beautiful,” he whispered against your skin.

You kept your eyes closed as he ghosted kisses over you, taking his time to kiss every inch of you that he could. His touch was light and soft, so different from anything else you’d ever felt. He touched you like you were made of glass, like he was afraid you’d shatter with one wrong move.

You resisted when he parted your legs, but one hard squeeze on your ankle had you freezing. Your eyes flew open of their own accord when his lips latched onto you, tongue delving inside of your core as he coaxed an involuntary whimper from you. None of your boyfriends had ever returned the favor when you went down on them, and you had convinced yourself that it wasn’t a big deal.

You’d never felt someone else’s lips on you so intimately before, and you couldn’t stop your intense reaction. Fire bloomed in your stomach, and you couldn’t contain the moans that left you as you experienced the new sensation. You felt like you were floating, and you had to remind yourself that you didn’t want this, that your hands were currently bound together to keep you from fighting this like you wanted.

Peter pulled away before you fell over the edge, and you pleaded with him again as he climbed over you, now undressed. His eyes were swimming with determination as he brushed his hand over your cheek, eyeing the place where Chris had hit you weeks ago. He pressed his lips there, breath shaky.

“I’ve dreamed about this day for so long,” he whispered.

“Peter…if you love me…you won’t do this,” you breathed.

He reached between the two of you, trailing his lips over your face before finally pressing them to your lips. He kissed you fiercely, putting so much emotion into it that you found yourself cringing away from the intensity.

“I’m doing this because I love you, and because I want you to know that you deserve the best,” he murmured into your mouth.

One hand was beside your head, pressing into the bed.

“…and that’s me.”

You gasped when he entered you, fingers grazing his stomach as he set a slow pace. You blinked, mouth parted as tears sprang to your eyes. His hips were moving so slowly and so intensely against your own. You could feel every curve and ridge of him, and it awoke pleasure in you that you didn’t know existed. You turned your face away in an attempt to ignore what you were feeling, but it was no use.

Soft grunts escaped his lips, and he used one hand to gently grip your face, turning you to look at him. His brown eyes never left yours, dark hair brushing along his forehead as his skin started to glisten with sweat. His arm flexed, hand clenching the sheets beside your head as he bit his lip, never taking his eyes off of you.

You couldn’t keep the pleasure off of your face. You’d never felt this before. He was so soft with you, gentle in a way you’d never experienced. His touches were feather light, and he watched you like he was looking for the first sign of pain, of discomfort. It made you feel…good…loved, and you didn’t like it.

With a grunt, you struggled against your bonds. More tears escaped, and he wiped them away.

“Hey, hey…”

You shook your head.

“Peter…stop...please,” you gasped, stomach tightening.

“You don’t want me to,” he quietly refuted.

“Yes-.”

“I can feel that you don’t. You’ve been clenching around me, like you don’t want me to go,” he murmured.

More tears escaped, and your breath hitched when he slowed down even more.

“No, no, I don’t like this,” you argued.

But deep down, you did.

“You do! You know you do-.”

“No!”

“Let yourself be loved, Y/N. You’ve never been held right…treated right…touched right. But I’m here, now,” he groaned, brushing his lips over your neck.

Your nails dug into his stomach as you clenched around him, a coil building low in your own. You arched against him, and he bent down to wrap his lips around one exposed bud, teeth grazing your skin. He rested himself fully against you as one hand gripped your hair while the other dug into your hip.

“All I ever wanted was to show you that I can be the man you want,” he panted.

His face was buried in the crook of your neck, now, teeth nipping at your skin every once in a while. You felt a dampness there, and when he sat up, you noticed that a few tears had escaped his eyes.

“I love you so much,” he breathed.

“Peter,” you protested as you felt that coil tightening some more.

One hand slid to the small of your back, and he held you against him. He pressed his lips against yours before murmuring:

“Come with me.”

And you did.

You gasped into his mouth as you spasmed around him, legs trembling and shaking like they never had before. His hands and mouth never left you, and you didn’t even realize when your hands were suddenly free, nor when they held onto him. Your bodies were slick with sweat, and as he talked you through it, you didn’t know if your tears were from fear or the overwhelming onslaught of emotion that came with this newfound feeling.

This feeling of being loved.

tags: @darkficsyouneveraskedfor @xoxabs88xox @darkficreposter @sebabestianstan101 @girlingreen @villanellevi @harringtonsblackgf @opheliadawnwalker3 @mcudarklibrary @notyourtypicalrose @readermia

#dark!peter parker #dark!peter #peter parker #peter parker x reader #dark fic #marvel

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m3kuroshirt · 3 years

Text

House of Assassins Part Four

links to Part One, Part Two, Part Three

Word count: 1944

warnings: none

The kitchen was warm and inviting, especially so cold and late (early?). Ichigo seated himself at the table, and Grimmjow busied himself with the kettle. As he waited, Ichigo could feel tiredness seeping into his bones, but he knew that if he went home all he would do was stare up at the darkened ceiling, a restlessness running rampant in his mind.

Finally, Grimmjow sat himself down with two mugs of tea. He slid one to Ichigo, and took a sip from the other. “So,” he started. Ichigo bit the inside of his lip as he wrapped both hands around the warm mug. “What’s on your mind? The stuff you can talk about, anyway.” His voice was gruff and tired, but there was no impatience in it. Ichigo took a sip of his tea. It burned the tongue a little, and washed a path of heat all the way down to his gut.

“…I…does it sound stupid if I say ‘I don’t know’?” he mumbled, running his thumb over the smooth ceramic of the mug. Grimmjow shrugged. He ran a hand through his bright blue hair.

“I don’t think so.”

Ichigo gave him a small smile. “Thanks.” He sighed and leaned on the table with his elbows. “I guess…I’m just conflicted. The guy I was talking to…he’s an old family friend. Or rather, an ex-family-friend. But I’m going to be helping him out for a bit. Just…have some mixed emotions about it, I guess,” Ichigo admitted. He took another sip of tea.

“Fair enough. You seem pretty close to your family, it would be weird to work with someone they don’t like,” Grimmjow replied. Ichigo shrugged.

“I guess. We all have varying degrees of…dislike…for him. Rukia doesn’t really mind him, but then her brother works closely with him. And Orihime couldn’t hold a grudge against anyone, even if they tried to kill her.” Ichigo stretched his arms over his head. Grimmjow frowned.

“Hold on…wouldn’t Rukia’s brother also be your brother?” he asked, head tilted to the side and an adorable confused frown on his face.

“Hmm? No. He adopted her. So like, he married her older sister, right? But Rukia and her sister were separated in the foster system early on and never reunited. So Rukia grew up with us instead. But apparently her sister was trying to find her. She married Byakuya and died before she could find Rukia, but Byakuya kept looking. And when he found her, he offered her to be a part of his family. She only agreed as long as he let her stay with us, though.” Ichigo yawned as he finished talking. He rubbed his temples and drank the rest of his tea. “We’re pretty mis-matched for a family.”

“Gotcha.” Grimmjow finished his tea as well, then picked up the mugs to refill them. “So, what did that guy do then? Is that something you can talk about?”

Ichigo stretched his neck from side to side, and definitely snuck a glance at Grimmjow’s backside. He only answered when the other man set both their mugs back on the table. “I…guess, a little. Basically, he tried to get me to work for him. Without really disclosing all the details of the job or how dangerous it was. Kisuke was pissed when he found out.” He rolled his shoulders. “Really, I was fifteen and stupid and eager to make a buck. I took a job, because I figured Kisuke was overreacting, I figured I was fine. Shunsui didn’t do much for teaching me, he figured I should be able to do most of it because I was learning with Kisuke, and I was too naïve to actually realize that I didn’t know everything. I ended up in a coma in the hospital for four months.”

“Fuck. That’s awful,” Grimmjow murmured as Ichigo paused to drink some more. Ichigo nodded.

“Yeah…I wasn’t there when Kisuke confronted him, of course, but I heard he almost killed him.” He ran a hand through his orange hair and scratched his scalp a little. “And that pretty much ended all our contact with Shunsui up until recently.”

Grimmjow leveled him with a look. “And you think it’s a good idea now to do work for him? What changed?”

Ichigo sighed. “It’s not so much that it’s a ‘good idea’, as it is necessary. I’m older now, I’ve got the skillset and the proper teaching. And I’m the only one he can ask to help. It’s not so much for him as it is for Aunty Retsu, anyway.” Ichigo made sure to use her casual name rather than ‘Unohana’. Grimmjow seemed like a nice guy, but he could never be certain what would come up in conversations others had, and he really, really didn’t need his target getting any wind of the job.

“She his wife?”

Ichigo was in the middle of drinking his tea when Grimmjow dropped that question. He coughed and spluttered a laugh. “Oh fuck no!” he gasped, setting his mug on the table. “I mean, she’d keep him in fucking line if she was, but no…no, ew, that would…ugh. No. She’s another friend of Kisuke’s.”

“Hm.” Grimmjow sipped his tea again. Ichigo propped his face up with his palm, leaning more onto the table. He kept his eyes glued to the amber liquid in his cup, since Grimmjow’s piercing gaze felt as though the other man could see every secret if he kept looking in his eyes. “This job is dangerous then?”

“Yeah.” Ichigo didn’t dare lie about that part. Besides, it’s not like his was the only job in the world with risks.

“…be safe, then…” The words were quiet, barely there. But Ichigo heard them. He looked up and met the other’s serious stare.

Ichigo smirked. “Aw, worried about me?”

“Of course I am, idiot. You’re the first friend I’ve made here. Actually, first one I’ve made in years,” Grimmjow muttered into his cup as he turned his face away. He took a long sip, cheeks burning pink.

Friend. The word tugged at Ichigo’s heart, unleashing a barrel of mixed emotions. On the one hand, a warm feeling, recognition that Grimmjow thought of him as more than just ‘a neighbour’, the comfort of having someone he could go to and hang out with outside the little family he’d found himself. On the other, a brief but sharp sting, the worry that this might be all there ever is, that maybe ‘friend’ is all that Grimmjow would ever be willing to associate with him. Ichigo shoved those worries down. I should be grateful he thinks of me as a friend. Especially when I’m keeping so many secrets from him, and he knows I am. He closed his eyes and let the warm scent of the tea seep into his body, surrounding him and bringing him comfort. “Friends, huh?” he murmured. “Friends are good.” It was more to convince himself than anything, but Grimmjow overheard.

“Yeah. I mean, I guess? Like I said, haven’t had many,” he replied in a nonchalant voice. Ichigo gave a non-committal hum.

“They are. Especially nice when it’s someone outside your family, someone you can talk to,” he replied, opening his eyes. His eyelids were heavy with exhaustion, though, and he had to blink a few times before his eyes would focus on the man in front of him.

“Yeah, I suppose.” Grimmjow raised an eyebrow at him in amusement. “You’re looking pretty played out…are you sure you’re good to go home?”

“Hmm? It’s right next door,” Ichigo mumbled, moving to stand. He managed to get upright, but then swayed and stumbled back onto the chair. “Oh damn. More tired’n’I thought.” Grimmjow’s expression morphed from amusement to concern.

“Shit. Don’t try and walk home, ok? You can crash here on the couch if you want, alright?” He stood up and helped Ichigo stand again. “I’ll help you there. Come on.” Ichigo steadied himself on Grimmjow as they walked into the living room. The couch looked incredibly inviting and soft.

Laying on the couch was like sinking into a deep dark warmth. He thought he heard a distant yelp and someone saying ‘wait let go’, but that had to be someone else’s problem. He was tired, too tired to do much of anything let alone help. The inky darkness surrounded him, caressed him, and enveloped him in a gentle warmth and firm embrace. Ichigo gladly let it carry him off to sleep.

***

Grimmjow helped Ichigo to the couch. It wasn’t overly big, and didn’t really look all that comfortable, compared to a bed, but it would do. He eased his friend onto the cushions, then made to move away. But the arms that had been using him as a stabilizer tightened around him and dragged him down. Grimmjow yelped.

“Wait! Let go!” he hissed, but Ichigo didn’t seem to hear him. Grimmjow hesitated to be any louder, lest he wake Nel. Not that she would be angry. But he would never live down the teasing if she saw him like this with their neighbour, especially since she knew all about his crush. His only hope was to extract himself carefully…

…he hadn’t counted on Ichigo being quite so strong. Like, he knew the other man could lift his fair share, had seen him carry things most people would need a partner to handle, but overpowering Grimmjow and trapping him in a hug? In his sleep, of all things? Grimmjow grumbled under his breath as all his attempts to wriggle away were thwarted by a completely oblivious, sleeping, handsome idiot. With all his efforts proving futile, Grimmjow gave in and opted to simply lie there, held firmly on top of Ichigo. He couldn’t see the other man’s face, as his own face was turned to the back of the couch, head resting on Ichigo’s chest, listening to his rhythmic breathing and the gentle thumping of his heart. Their legs were entangled, and Grimmjow tried not to dwell too much on that fact, his face burning. He clenched and unclenched his hands before softly, hesitantly, moving them upward, behind Ichigo, wrapping around his torso slightly.

Why did I call him a ‘friend’? This isn’t how friends react, Grimmjow thought to himself. He was wide awake, and with no reprieve in sight, his mind decided to wander down what had become now an all-too-familiar path over the past couple of months. Dammit. Why can’t I just make the words come out right?

Ichigo’s arms tightened around him briefly, then relaxed slightly, but not enough to let Grimmjow actually worm his way out. Are you even sure he likes you, though? The thought crept into his mind unbidden, for what had to be the millionth time that week. Are you sure Jinta wasn’t lying? Are you sure anyone at all would like you?

Grimmjow grit his teeth and unconsciously tightened his grip on the other man. He only realized how tense he was when he heard a sleepy “…’s tight,” mumbled above him. He relaxed instantly, fear catching in his heart, convinced Ichigo would wake up that instant, throw him off of him, call him a freak, and storm out of the house. He waited for his inevitable fate…one…two…three…

…and nothing happened. There was a soft sigh, and Ichigo’s breathing resumed its steady rate. He hadn’t been fully awake, then. Grimmjow couldn’t decide if that was good or bad. He sighed and resigned himself to being stuck there for now. He might as well try and get some rest if he was going to have to face the rude awakening of the morning. So he closed his eyes and drifted off.

#grimmichi #jaegerjaquez grimmjow #kurosaki ichigo #m34gswrites #house of assassins #au #found family

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mslynnwrites · 3 years

Note

touches 42 for jmart

#42: braiding the other’s hair

This is such a good one. I wrote way more than I should've. I literally need to go get groceries but all I can do is be sad and gay on main lmao.

CW: panic attack, discussions of trauma

Jon had incredibly lovely hair. It was one of the first things Martin had noticed about him. Even now, with him going apeshit over the smallest things, it remained silky and luxuriant. It looked very soft, and Martin had a very hard time not imagining running his hands through it.

Today, he had it pinned up in a very loose, very messy bun. Thick strands escaped the band, draping around his face like an illusory helmet. Even a placebo of protection must have been nice, Martin supposed, though he wished Jon would open up and tell him what was really going on in his head. He missed their talks.

They hadn’t really spoken much since Martin revealed how he lied on his CV. He still wasn’t really sure why it relieved Jon as much as it did, but it was at least nice to catch a shy smile from him when he thought he wasn’t looking. He hadn’t quite determined if Jon had a crush on him yet, but...well, he was pretty sure that’s what it was. He hoped that’s what it was, although he was perfectly fine just being friends with the man. Still...he always was a bit of a romantic, and now Jon was aware how close in age they actually were…

He shook his head and ran a hand down his face, accidentally smudging his glasses. He couldn’t keep thinking about Jon like this; it wasn’t healthy, and Jon was in no state to handle a relationship with him. Neither of them were. Not to mention that Jon was still his superior! No matter how close he felt to him, there was still a severe conflict of interest. And if Tim was right about not being able to quit, he doubted Jon would be able to move him to another department.

Tim shot him a smirk from the other desk. “Pining again?” he snorted.

“Shut up, Tim,” Martin muttered. As if his crush on his boss wasn’t bad enough, apparently it was also painfully obvious.

“You seriously need to get a better taste in men.”

“Yes, yes. And you need to cut me some slack,” Martin said. “It’s not my fault he’s pretty!”

“Who’s pretty?”

Martin’s face turned hot, and he knew he was beet red. Jon hovered in the doorway to his office, his own cheeks a bit flushed, though it’s possible Martin was just imagining that. He had a bit of a pout going, too, and Martin tried very hard not to look absolutely smitten.

“Oh look,” Tim sneered, “the hermit emerged from his lair for once.”

Now Jon was definitely blushing. “I-I leave all the time!”

“Yeah? When was the last time you actually went home instead of, oh y’know, taking a snooze at your desk, staking out your employees’ homes—”

“I’m not—!”

Tim stood up abruptly and sauntered off. “Fuck this noise,” he spat as he went. “I’m taking my lunch.”

Martin gulped and felt his face get impossibly hotter. His palms were quite slick all of a sudden.

Jon sighed. “I...Martin, have you seen Sasha lately?”

Oh good, a non-prying question. Just a totally mundane, normal thing for someone to ask. “Um...I think she’s still on her lunch, actually. Pretty sure she was meeting up with that new boyfriend of hers. Tom? I think?”

Jon nodded slowly, still looking off distantly at the door Tim had left through. It was rare to see him so openly upset. It was strange. “Right...well, when she um...when she gets back, could you let her know I need her follow-up notes on the Russo case?”

“Yeah, sure,” he replied. He swallowed back a wave of anxiety. “Are um...are you okay? You seem a bit...off, today.”

Jon’s shoulders raised a bit with tension. “I’m fine,” he answered flatly. “I’ll be in my office.”

He turned and practically fled before Martin could get another word in. Martin sighed. Hopeless crush, indeed.

He didn’t see Jon again until later that night as he was preparing to leave. The faint glow of his office light cut through the dark Archives like butter. He frowned. It was—he checked his watch—half seven. Late for Martin, at any rate. Yet Jon was still holed up in there.

He breathed out slowly. If anyone could get him to go home, it was...probably him. At any rate, he felt like he was the only one who cared if he did nowadays. He knocked lightly and pushed the door in ever so slightly.

Jon was lying draped over his desk, arms held over his head protectively. He was shaking, and deep red marks covered the back of his neck. He was muttering something so quiet it was unintelligible.

Martin’s heart broke a bit, seeing him like that. He chewed on the inside of his cheek—a nasty habit, he knew—and knocked a bit louder.

Jon lurched out of his seat, a terrified shriek slipping out of his mouth so loud it seemed impossible to have come from him. He landed hard on the floor, limps splayed out, face pinched in shock and terror.

Without thinking, Martin rushed to his side and took hold of his arm, his other hand supporting his back. A seemingly endless stream of “oh my God I’m so sorry I didn’t mean to scare you are you all right are you hurt oh God” flowed out of him as he pulled Jon into a sitting position.

Jon’s breath was panicked, coming in shallow gasps. Martin stared into his eyes, desperate for any clue as to what he should do. Jon’s eyes were distant and unfocused, and a bit watery. Very slowly, Martin began to rub circles into his back, moving his other hand to hold Jon’s in what he hoped was a reassuring way.

It took a few minutes, but Jon’s breathing eventually evened out. Martin watched his Adam’s apple bob with a swallow before he nodded at him to stop. He withdrew his hand from Jon’s back, but kept holding his hand with the other.

“I’m sorry, Jon,” Martin said. “I-I swear I didn’t mean to scare you.”

Jon drew in a shaky breath. “I-it’s not your fault. Just um...the statement I read earlier really uh...it didn’t do good things to me.”

“Do...do you want to talk about it?”

He ripped at a few strands of his hair that had escaped from his bun. “It...no. No, I don’t.”

Martin gently clasped Jon’s other twitching, tearing hand and drew it away from his neck. “You’ve scratched the hell out of yourself,” he murmured. Blood spots and raised bruises coated the back of his neck.

Jon shuddered. “Kept feeling like...like there were s-spiders,” he rasped. “I couldn’t...I couldn’t stop myself.”

“There’s no spiders, Jon.”

“I know!” he spat. “I just- it itches and that Goddamn statement, it—” he sucked in a breath. “It’s because of my hair,” he muttered. “Just...little strands tickling the back of my neck, feelin like t-tiny legs and I just...I couldn’t stop.”

Martin sighed and brushed away some of the wayward strands, letting his palm sit over the back of Jon’s neck. He tensed in surprise, but quickly relaxed back, leaning into it.

“At this point, I should probably just cut it,” he said. “I just...can’t bring myself to do it.”

“I could braid it, if you’d like,” Martin said before registering that that’s what he was saying. His eyes widened with horror, and his face burned. “I-I mean- well, only if you want me to. I-I wouldn’t want to—”

“I think I’d like that, actually,” Jon murmured, averting his eyes. “It...it might help.”

Martin stared at him, genuinely shocked. “A-are you sure?”

“If the offer still stands, yes.”

He blinked. “R-right. Right. Um...well let’s at least get off the floor.”

“All right.”

Martin helped him to his feet. Jon still wouldn’t meet his gaze. It’s late, we’re probably the only ones still in the building, and he’s going to let me braid his hair. There was no way this could be happening. It was a prank, right? Or a dream?

Jon rubbed the back of his neck self-consciously. “Would the breakroom work best, do you think?”

“Probably, yeah,” Martin replied, trying to reel himself back in. This was fine; it was just like the times when he’d been living in Document Storage and Jon had stayed late to keep him company. This was fine. Everything was just fine.

He drifted out of the office after Jon, following him down the hall, into the breakroom. He was fine.

“Let’s um,” he started, “let’s wet it first, then I’ll braid it, okay? That way you um...you shouldn’t have any flyaways.”

“Sounds good,” Jon said. He sounded hesitant. Nervous.

“You’re sure you’re okay with this?”

Jon nodded. “It’s...I know you won’t hurt me,” he said, strained.

“Of course I wouldn’t!”

“I-I know. That- that’s why it’s okay. I wouldn’t...I can’t trust anyone else.”

He bit his tongue. There were so many things he wanted to say—that he should say. How he was grateful Jon trusted him. How he was worried that Jon trusted only him. How he wanted to help him, and protect him, and hold him tight until he wasn’t afraid anymore.

How he wanted to love him. How he hoped Jon wanted him to love him.

But he didn’t say any of that, because it would take too many words, too many emotions, too many fears. Instead, he led Jon over to the sink and gently undid the ruined bun while the water heated to a decent temperature. Then, he reverently ran his fingers through Jon’s hair, just as he had wanted to for so long. Jon closed his eyes and sighed, leaning against him for support from the odd angle he had to be in to get his head in the sink. Definitely no other reason he would lean against him. None.

After a few moments, Martin shut the water off and wrung out the hair as best he could. Then he led Jon over to one of the seats before settling down behind him.

Jon was silent for a long while, making no noise even when Martin was sure he had just ripped out a hair or two by accident, or when he pulled a bit too hard on one of the cords. His shoulders actually relaxed, for the first time in a very, very long time.

“Thank you,” he murmured, sounding almost in a daze.

“Of course,” Martin replied, doing his best not to let his hands shake and praying the wetness on his hands was just water.

“I mean it! I…” He paused. “No one’s wanted to do this for me in a long time.”

Not for the first time, Martin was struck with the fact that he may well be Jon’s only friend. “All you have to do is ask,” he said.

Jon fell silent again for a few more beats. “The statement was about an experiment gone wrong,” he said. “One involving spiders.”

Martin worked through a stubborn knot. “Oh?” he asked softly.

“It...well...it hit a bit too close to home, I guess.”

“I’m sorry.”

“A-and as much as- as I hate them, I-I can’t stop once I’ve started reading a statement, no matter how revolted or terrified it makes me feel.” Jon gasped, his body trembling once more. “Like...like I have no control over my actions anymore. All I can do is read on.”

The knot finally gave way, and Martin continued threading the thick braid. “Like a puppet on a string,” he murmured.

Jon jolted up, whipping around to face him. “Exactly!” he cried. “A-and no matter what I do, I-I keep losing myself in them, and they’re awful, and- and—” He broke off, his eyes gaining that panicked glaze once again. Martin took his hands in his own, ignoring the fact that he was going to have to rebraid everything again. Jon needed him.

It took him another minute or two to calm back down. Then he closed his eyes and bowed his head. “I read a Leitner, once,” he said in a low voice. “It did the same thing to me.”

Martin felt his chest go tight with worry and fear. “What?”

“It...I couldn’t stop reading, and it made me move, walk toward...toward what was certain death. I’m only alive because someone took the book away from me.”

There were tears in his eyes. “And now the statements...it’s the same thing all over again. But...this time, I don’t know that anyone would be able to save me before it’s too late.”

Martin squeezed his hands tight. “I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I didn’t know.”

“No one would believe me,” Jon sniffed. “They’d think I was mad.”

“I don’t.”

“You’re different.”

Oh. He reached up and brushed away a tear from Jon’s cheek. “You know I’m here for you,” he murmured.

Jon brought his own hand up and held Martin’s against his face, taking a shuddering breath. “I know.”

“Thank you for telling me.”

“Thank you for caring.”

Martin moved closer and brought Jon’s head against his chest. Always, he thought. Always.

#i'm having too much fun #they're SOFT #tma #the magnus archives #panic attack #trauma #and they COMMUNICATE #please keep sending me prompts #even if they're not from the touches thing!#i love writing these two very gay men #other characters too ofc #but like #jmart <3 #non-sexual intimacy #i need to put these all on ao3 #prompt #forgot to add the cut oops

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izlaria · 3 years

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Someone you like (part 4)

This is the fourth chapter of my “Someone you like” inspired fic. It’s also available on AO3 in case you prefer that platform. Please hit me up to talk about Plance!

Summary: In the days following their arrival on Earth, Pidge finds that conflicting feelings don't just disappear because there are more people around. On the contrary, with the approach of the final battle, they seem to get worse.

FYI, we’re still on Pidge pining hour.

18 and 16 years old

Life was not easy when you were a soldier fighting against an evil, intergalactic empire, but Pidge had found a sort of balance to it all. Now that they were back on Earth and she knew her family was relatively safe, much of the sorrow she’d carried had dissolved into hopefulness.

Much, but not all.

Pidge leaned her head against the wall, hugging the papers to her chest. Being on the Garrison made it easier for her to ignore her erratic heartbeats, because she could just avoid Lance most of the time, but it also sent her into overdrive when she accidentally met him in the hallways. She could usually depend on her mother to be there – Pidge was grounded, after all –, but there were times when not even Colleen could protect her.

She wanted to talk to Lance, of course. He was one of her best friends and no crush could ever change that, but it took a lot out of Pidge to hear him drone on about Allura and all the places he wanted to show her on Earth.

Maybe her evasiveness wasn’t the most mature of Pidge’s choices, but she was tired and lovesick and feeling neglected. She would have to be excused a little pettiness.

“Do you want to tell me why I just saw you ignore Lance?” Matt raised his brows at her, an expression that Pidge herself often mimicked and that was especially irritating to be the target of. He was standing off to the side of her station, gloves still on.

Pidge pushed away from the wall, feeling flustered. She hadn’t realized her brother had witnessed the scene.

“Did I ignore Lance?” Pidge opted to feign innocence. “I was so lost in thought I didn’t really see him there. Or you.” This last bit she said with a touch of hostility.

Matt crossed his arms and hummed, sounding disbelieving. “You always were the worst liar out of the two of us, Pidge.”

She shouldered past Matt with a glare. There was a lot of work to do until the Atlas was completed and the last thing she needed were distractions like her feelings for Lance or a fight with her brother.

“When did you land on Earth, anyway?” Pidge put the papers down on her table and moved to one of the computer screens, where she’d left a new code running. It was an improved version of her and Matt’s previous software for predicting Galra presence. “I could use your eyes on this.”

Matt stood at her back, looking over her shoulder at the lines that lit up the computer.

“This is interesting…” He squinted down at Pidge. “Don’t think for a second that a new challenge will make me forget what I just saw.”

She took advantage of Matt’s positioning to elbow him in the gut.

Truthfully, Pidge knew her brother wouldn’t tease her too much about her circumstances. Matt was caring and even protective when it came to her well-being, so he would never rat her out to Lance or any of the others, even if he disagreed with her actions.

Despite that, she struggled with being vulnerable around him.

Pidge didn’t want to think about it, but the years they’d spent apart had certainly affected their relationship. Before going to space, Matt was more than her brother, he had been her closest friend. But now she had Hunk, Lance, and even Keith and Allura. If she needed guidance, Coran and Shiro were only a call away.

She would always be close to Matt, but he was no longer the only person whose company she valued.

“We should finish this up before mom comes around,” Pidge said, trying to refocus. “She comes to collect me at the end of the day.” She rolled her eyes.

“That still going on?” Matt chuckled as he pulled a chair over to her station. He scanned the reports she had just brought in.

“I can’t even go out to eat with the team. We’ve had to meet in the cafeteria, of all places.”

“I’m just glad the cooking staff changed since I was a student.” Matt wrinkled his nose. “That was just nasty.”

“Except for the burgers.” And here Pidge smiled, suddenly reminded of all the times Hunk and Lance had dragged her to lunch and how they always ended up making a mess of their table.

“On Mondays, that’s right!” Matt glanced at her and Pidge couldn’t quite read the look in his eyes. “Until when are you grounded, anyway?”

“Let’s see, I was fifteen when I was whisked into space, so…” She pretended to do the calculations. “Until my twenty-first birthday, unless dad intervenes.”

Matt snorted. “Good luck with that. He doesn’t really have any weight with mom right now. She’s still upset about the whole being-pronounced-dead thing.”

Pidge groaned, burying her face into her hands. “I’ll be going to war in a month, but I still have no freedom here.” She raised her eyes to look at him. “Can’t you talk to mom?”

“And risk my newfound position as the favorite? You’re on your own, kiddo.” He continued to stare down at the papers for a moment, before turning to face her properly. “You know why she’s doing this, right? You spent three years MIA. We thought you were dead.” He exhaled forcefully. “I thought you were dead.”

Pidge didn’t really know how to respond. Since her arrival on Earth, she’d had versions of this conversation with several people, but her brother had always stood back and given her a little space. He probably knew better than most how overwhelming such a welcome could be. “I am sorry, Matt.”

He gave her a tight-lipped smile. “Turnaround is fair play, I guess.”

“Stop.” Pidge put a hand on his arm. She worked her jaw, trying to figure out what to say. “I never wanted you to find out how that felt.”

Matt nodded once, swallowing hard. Pidge could tell that he was putting his emotions back in check.

“I’m proud of what you’ve done, Katie. Mom might act like you’re still a kid, but I was out there before you came along.” It reminded Pidge that, though he hadn’t been present for her battles, Matt had seen his own share of horrors. “Voltron turned the tide, in no small part because of you.”

“Thank you.” She tried to blink away the tears. Matt smiled and brought his hands up to cup her face.

“My little sister is a badass, so I don’t want to see you hiding behind corners because of some stupid boy.” When she tried to protest, he just squished her cheeks. “Who does not deserve you, by the way.”

Pidge couldn’t help but laugh. She could always count on Matt to make her smile through her tears.

“I thought you liked Lance,” she said once Matt had let go of her face. He grimaced.

“He’s eighteen and a flirt.” Her brother didn’t even try to go back to work, he merely kicked his legs up onto a workbench and crossed his arms. “I would feel better about Keith, even.”

“You say that because Shiro would be just as bad of a protective older brother as you.” She pushed at his chair, making Matt almost lose his balance.

“You would never be alone unchaperoned, it would be great,” he confirmed, still pulling himself back into position.

“You realize that I’m technically nineteen?” She aimed a sharp look at him.

“You realize you look twelve?” Matt shot back, looking unbearably satisfied with himself. This time Pidge had no mercy for him; she sent his chair rolling down the aisle and Matt with it.

“Honestly, you have nothing to worry about.” She wrapped an arm around her middle. “Lance is so enamored with Allura that I could yell in his ear that I like him and the goofball would think I meant it platonically.”

Matt wheeled himself back to her. “Then he’s a fool.”

“You’re just saying that,” Pidge scoffed. “You were just as bad as him when meeting Allura.”

“Look, Allura is beautiful, that’s true, but it doesn’t diminish your qualities.” He put a hand on her shoulder, leaning in close so that their voices didn’t echo in the empty laboratory. “You are funny and witty and smarter than anyone in this damn complex. Don’t you dare compare yourself to Allura.”

Pidge dragged her chair until she was resting against Matt’s shoulder.

“It’s sort of inevitable. She’s the one he likes and I have to accept it.” She looked at the computer, where lines of code kept appearing and disappearing. “It’s just hard to be near him. I feel like I’ll do something and everyone will… know.”

“You spent almost a year pretending to be someone else, I think your acting skills are a little better than that.”

“Didn’t you criticize my lying just a few minutes ago?” she deadpanned.

“Well…” Matt gave her a cheeky grin. “I’ve known you your entire life, so I’m a Katie Holt expert.”

“Of course,” she drawled out, rolling her eyes.

Pidge felt her brother put an arm over her shoulder, squeezing her to his side.

“You’re perfect, okay?” he murmured into her hair. “Don’t ever let anyone convince you otherwise.”

She closed her eyes and let herself fall into his embrace. It was something she had missed, even now that the team was back on Earth. Everything had changed since the Kerberos mission and, while a lot of it was good, Pidge couldn’t deny that she wished Matt would stay with them more often.

“Okay.” Her voice trembled, but Matt didn’t mention it, choosing to tighten his hold on her.

“Knock, knock! Anyone in here?” As soon as the voice sounded, Pidge scrambled to hide her face. She got up and pretended to check a different monitor, turning her back to the door. She heard Lance approach their station. “Oh, hey, guys!” Then, seeming to notice the mood of the room. “Is everything alright?”

“Yeah, man.” Matt was the first to recover. Pidge felt him move, probably trying to keep Lance from getting any closer. “We were just discussing some Holt secret coding.” She almost snickered at this, despite the heartbeat that still hammered in her ears. It was the sort of thing that only a non-techie would believe.

“And I thought us McClains were bad with our ropa vieja recipe.” She chanced a look over her shoulder to catch Lance’s smile. He was always at his brightest when talking about his family.

“You needed something, Lance?” Matt was being a bit more brusque than normal, but his expression was thankfully still amenable. Pidge would have hit him if he just started being a jerk to Lance.

“Not really,” the other boy responded. He looked around Matt to smile at Pidge. “I was just hoping to catch up with Pidge before your mother comes around.” He shuddered. “Let me tell you, that’s a scary lady. She could almost beat mami with that I’m-not-mad-just-disappointed face.”

“You tell me?” Matt sighed. “That’s one thing I don’t look forward to when touching down at the Garrison.”

“You wanted to talk to me?” Pidge interrupted before they could keep going. Putting two of the friendliest people she knew in the same room was only a good idea if she had the patience for a long conversation. Which she didn’t.

“Ah, are you done ignoring me, Pidgeon?” Lance cocked his hip to one side, looking too sure of himself for his own good.

“I’m working, Lance, something you should be doing as well.” She pretended to fix her glasses, if only to have something to do.

The boy waved a dismissive hand at her. “I’m done for the day and I know for a fact that you’re just working on pet projects until Colleen comes to get you.” When he tried to lean down towards her, Matt moved to stand between them. Lance hesitated, before letting the strange behavior go. “Matt can keep your mom busy if she shows up, right?”

It was difficult to say no to Lance. He was jovial and charming, in particular when he wasn’t actually trying to impress anyone.

“Can you, Matt?” Pidge found herself asking. Her brother frowned at her with uncertainty.

“If that’s what you want, Pidge,” he yielded, when she didn’t back down.

“Let’s go before you get me in trouble, McClain.” Pidge gave a long-suffering sigh and moved past the two boys, who were saying their goodbyes.

Lance caught up to her at the door, opening it with an exaggerated bow.

She walked briskly down the hallway, but Lance had the advantage of his height. For every two, quick steps Pidge took, he only had to take one long stride.

“In a rush to get away?” There was laughter in his voice.

“You’ve seen how mom gets,” she replied, peaking around corners as they moved. “If she doesn’t know where I am for more than five minutes, she seems to think I’ll jump into a ship and disappear for another four years.”

“As if I had it any better.” He gestured to a hallway Pidge knew led to the analytics department. “I’m just lucky Veronica is the only one in my family with clearance to come into the Garrison.”

Pidge snorted. “I should sic my mom on you and Hunk, to make things even.”

Though she’d spent so much of their time on Earth making up excuses not to see Lance, the conversation between them flowed naturally. He had an easy-going energy that calmed Pidge’s more tense nature. While they were in the castle-ship, he had been able to soothe the worst of her worries, until Pidge could actually have fun, despite the fears that troubled her mind.

She didn’t know what would have become of her in this war, if Lance hadn’t been there.

“On the subject of your family…” Lance sent her an anxious look. “Is everything really alright with your brother?”

Pidge could tell he was actually worried, which sent a wave of affection and pain through her chest. She struggled to keep her expression blank.

“We were just talking about the war.” She allowed apprehension to seep into her tone. “I know he has a role to perform out there, but I wish he could stay longer.”

Lance twisted his mouth to the side, an unhappy expression he often adopted when trying to look empathetic. “What has Matt said about it?”

“He misses home, but he can’t really ignore what’s going on with the rebel forces.” Pidge rubbed at her temple. “If we are actually able to end the war, then things might be different, but for now…” she trailed off.

Communications from all around the universe told them Voltron wasn’t the only force preparing for battle. There were a lot of moving parts to consider, especially with the still unknown variable of whose influence had been affecting the Altean colony.

“I know what you mean. After this is all over, I think I’ll take a long vacation to just enjoy good, old Earth.”

This surprised Pidge, startling her from her previous line of thought.

“What, is the Tailor going to retire?” She knocked Lance lightly on the arm, trying for a playful mood.

“No,” he objected. He bent at the waist to look her in the eye and winked. “You know I can’t deny the rest of the universe the beauty of my presence.”

Pidge pushed his face away. It was easy to pretend to be annoyed at Lance when he insisted on acting like this. He was most dangerous when he was genuine. “Be real, man.”

“I am!” He laughed as he stood upright. “It’s just… We’ve been off-planet for so long, I kinda want some time to spend with my family, maybe travel around. I’ve only ever been to Cuba and the US, can you believe it? I’ve seen more of space than of my own planet.”

“Yeah, me too.” Pidge frowned. She hadn’t thought about the situation in these terms before. “I’ve been to Italy and England, but that’s it.”

“We should come up with a plan, get the others in on it.” Lance shot her a smile.

They had walked all the way to the MFE taxiway and Pidge focused her attention on the aircraft that Ryan Kinkade maneuvered across from them. She didn’t want to think of Lance’s warmth so close to her, nor of the future he described.

It didn’t matter how long she avoided him, Lance always found a way back into her life and into her heart. This awareness was painful, when Pidge knew he would never look at her as more than a best friend or a younger sister.

She felt something hit her cheek and looked up at the sky. Dark clouds gathered over them and soon there was another drop.

“Oh, it’s raining,” Pidge commented offhandedly. By her side, Lance let out a laugh. He sounded so joyful that she couldn’t stop herself from staring.

Lance had opened his arms and raised his face to the rain. It reminded her of something he had said months ago, about the aspects of Earth he missed while in space. She was once again struck by how attracted she was to Lance: his cheerfulness, his stupid humor, the curve of his Adam’s apple and the way his uniform clung to him in the rain.

“I really missed this!” he exclaimed mid-laugh.

Pidge stood still, admiring his delight even as her hands closed to fists at her sides. “Yeah,” she breathed out, “me too.”

After they left the mall, there was still some time for Allura to kill before her date and it was decided that she, Romelle and Pidge would stop to grab something to eat. Rizavi and Ina had previous plans, but they encouraged the girls to have some fun together, leaving unsaid that it might be their last chance to do so.

“I cannot emphasize how thankful I am, Pidge.” Allura reached across the table to grab her hand. She and Romelle had insisted on going into a coffeeshop that had recently reopened; the design was minimalist but cozy, a step-up from anything else they’d seen outside downtown.

“And I’ve said it a hundred times already, princess, I don’t mind.” Pidge let her hand go slack in Allura’s, trying not to snap at her friend. While she appreciated the gratitude, the constant touching was starting to grate on her nerves.

“You do mind,” Allura contested, with the kind of serious but diplomatic tone she used when arguing with Garrison officers. “I could see your hesitance when the vendor first offered the trade. None would have denied your right to keep the item.”

Allura pulled back into herself as she spoke. It was strange to see her uncomfortable, since the princess usually kept either a tranquil or a powerful front in the face of adversity. Free from her touch, Pidge suddenly felt bad for not responding more fervently to Allura’s efforts towards a closer bond. In the castle-ship, she had pretended they were simply too different and, on Earth, too busy.

The truth was much less dignified: Allura had seemed like an unapproachable ideal, made solid only to remind Pidge of all that she could not be. She was prim and beautiful and feminine. Once upon a time, before the complexities of her multiple identities, Katie had aspired to this image, to some degree.

“You’re more important to me than a video game.” Pidge tried to be casual with the way she said this, but the knowing glint that shone in Allura’s eyes told her it was unsuccessful. “I’ll have plenty of time to find it again after the war is over.”

“Perhaps you could teach me these games once we are back.” Allura smiled at her, the picture of earnestness. “I was always curious about the time you and the other paladins dedicated to them.”

“It can be pretty frustrating,” Pidge warned, thinking of the hours she’d wasted with Hunk and Lance just to get past some particularly difficult levels.

“I have noticed that you scream a lot while playing,” the other commented thoughtfully, “but that appears to be part of the bonding experience.”

“You can say that again.” She scoffed.

“Why would I say it again?” Allura tilted her head to the side in confusion and Pidge had to disguise her laughter.

“I’m just agreeing with you.” She sometimes forgot that the Alteans weren’t completely used to Earth culture. In the Castle of Lions, the paladins were the ones to adhere to new patterns. Now, Allura and Coran had to slowly learn their customs, like with this date.

“I suppose we did have something similar in Altea,” Allura mused. “Activities like the maze we had in the Castle were quite popular among the youth.” She leaned over the table to speak in a lower voice. “The element of danger was a point of interest, though I couldn’t quite comprehend why.”

“That’s a lie and you know it!” Pidge pointed accusingly at Allura. “You’re almost as bad as Keith with throwing yourself into dangerous situations.”

“Am not!” It was always funny to rile her up like this. Allura was so calm and collected that getting her to sound immature was a reward in itself. The other shook her head and settled back into her seat, straightening her posture. “Oh, I know what you are doing.”

Pidge continued to grin at her. “What am I doing?”

The princess narrowed her eyes at Pidge, but her mouth struggled with a smile. “You and Lance have such a way of getting me to lose my cool.” She tapped a rhythm on the table. “I must admit it is endearing.”

There it was again, the shock of warmth and sadness that had troubled Pidge the entire day. She loved Allura and was even happy for her, but her heart was conflicted by the news of her new-found interest in Lance.

It just seemed so sudden, Pidge hadn’t had the opportunity to prepare herself. Or maybe those two had grown closer in the Garrison, while she tried her best not to see them, and this was simply the outcome of her bad choices.

Pidge was saved from responding by the arrival of Romelle, her arms full of napkins.

“What a bargain!” She proclaimed as the packages fell from her hands and bounced across the tabletop. “They have agreed to serve us their best delicacies in trade of Pidge’s autographs, a video of her endorsement and an appearance once every phoeb for the next five moons!” The blonde beamed down at them. “On that regard, what is an endorsement?”

Allura and Pidge shared a dismayed look over the piles of napkins.

“Surely they do not expect Pidge to autograph all of these.” Allura gave Romelle an hesitant smile, as if her politeness could change the answer they all knew was coming.

Romelle blinked at them. “The cook assured me it was an amazing deal.”

Pidge pinched the bridge of her nose, calling on any patience she could muster. She had nothing against Romelle and the Altean was nice and cheerful most of the time, but her naivete when dealing with human conventions never failed to amaze.

“Oh dear,” Allura fretted. “I should go deal with that.”

“Think you can convince them to give us food without getting me stuck here for the near future?” Pidge teased, to disguise her vexation.

Her friend slid off the booth. “I have reasoned with beings from several galaxies, I cannot fathom a Terran entrepreneur will be more stubborn than certain members of the coalition.” Allura straightened her spine and clasped her hands over her stomach, looking every bit the princess she was. The determination in her expression made Pidge smile.

“I can autograph one pile of napkins and I agree to do a video endorsement, but I’m not changing back into costume.” She turned to look at Romelle, who seemed to be accompanying the conversation with good-humored confusion. There was something almost sly about the look in her eyes. “I’m going into space tomorrow, how was I supposed to come back? Besides, I’m grounded. If mom found out we were finished shopping, she’d already be here to drag me home.”

“I might have been swayed by the delicious smells wafting from the kitchen,” the other admitted in a manner that could pass for sheepish. She eyed the napkins, before picking up a package. “I suppose these are a little excessive.”

Allura sighed. “I will be right back.”

They watched the princess move towards the front of the coffeeshop, where the human owner was talking to another set of customers. Romelle sat down where Allura had previously been.

“Alone at last.” She clapped her hands together and faced Pidge with a seriousness that contrasted with her usual vibrancy.

Pidge narrowed her eyes at Romelle. “I knew you were plotting something.”

The blonde shrugged. “I wanted to talk to you privately and I didn’t think we would get the chance in the Garrison.” She glanced back to where Allura stood waiting for the other customers to leave. “The owner was a darling, but he was a tremendous flirt, so Allura won’t be here any time soon.”

“Do I even have to sign anything?” Pidge rested her chin on her hand.

“He wants a picture with you and the princess and an autograph to hang on the wall, but that’s it.” Romelle winked at her.

“So what do you want?” Pidge tapped a finger against her cheek. She didn’t mean to sound so suspicious, but the girl’s orchestrations made the situation feel a little like a trap.

“To thank you.” The emotion in her voice sounded almost like pity. “For your sacrifice today.”

Pidge groaned. “I already told Allura that the video game wasn’t that much of a loss.”

“I am not talking about the game.” There was a moment of silence, during which Pidge kept very still. “I saw your reaction when we told you about the date. It was only then that I realized: you like pointy chin.”

“What makes you think that?” She raised a brow at Romelle, doing her best to appear natural.

“It makes sense.” Romelle looked up at the sparse decorations that adorned the coffeeshop, her expression pensive. “He’s the one you spend the most time with, after Hunk. I didn’t think you were interested in romance, given your almost complete lack of sentimentality,” and here she made a face at Pidge, “but I suppose we’re all dealing with high emotions right now.”

Pidge didn’t know how to reply. So far, Matt was the only one who had realized her crush on Lance and he’d been thankfully quiet since. The whole day left her feeling off-center, especially with what Romelle now wanted her to confess. Pidge didn’t want to talk about her feelings. She wanted to take her bayard and carve the jealousy and affection and misery right out of her chest.

Romelle took her silence as a sign to go on. “Look, I know we are not close, but you can talk to me.” The expression on her face was so eager that Pidge didn’t immediately protest. “You are… not kind. Not always, at least, but genuine.” Romelle hurried through her words. “Which is more than can be said about others I’ve met since arriving on Earth. And I can see how much you care for Allura, though you hide it beneath your sarcasm and reluctance.”

“Has anyone on Earth given you trouble?” Pidge chose to focus on the subject that was easier to approach. Romelle clearly knew what she was doing, because the blonde gave her a very annoyed look. “The team and I have tried to shield you from the politics of having non-humans around, but it’s not always possible.”

“I grew up worshipping a man who turned out to be harvesting quintessence from the bodies of my family and friends,” Romelle stated coolly. “I can handle the Terrans.”

“Well, this thing has to go both ways.” Pidge leaned back against the booth to gesture forcefully in the other’s direction. “If you want me to talk to you, then you need to talk to me.”

Romelle seemed to consider this, her eyes narrowed. “Fair enough.” She glanced quickly over her shoulder, then leaned forward. “I know we both want what’s best for Allura, but I hope you will be happy, too.”

Her eagerness brought a small smile to Pidge’s lips, even as her chest constricted with the acknowledgement of her feelings.

There were many things in the universe that she valued more than romance: her family, her intellect and ability to continue learning, and now her friends. Pidge would do anything to keep them safe and content, regardless of how she felt about Lance. She would eventually get over him, of this Pidge was sure.

She loved Lance, but she loved herself more.

“I don’t need a boy to be happy, Romelle. I just want this war to be over.”

The blonde nodded at her response. “You have already done so much for me by going against Lotor.” She sighed. “You will always have my loyalty for that.”

Pidge took a moment to study her. Romelle could be energetic and joyful, but she had also suffered more loss than Pidge could really comprehend. She had never believed Matt and her father were dead, even on the early days of the Garrison’s declaration. Hope had moved her forward, but Romelle hadn’t had that privilege.

“Have I ever told you how I became a paladin?” she asked, much to Romelle’s surprise.

“I don’t believe so, no.” The other furrowed her brows in puzzlement. “Are you changing the subject again?”

“I was just thinking that we have more in common than you know.” Pidge lowered her eyes to the tabletop, tracing a series of scratches with the tip of her fingers. “You have met my brother Matt, haven’t you?”

Allura approached as she said this, a tray of food balanced on her hand. “Oh, has Romelle heard of your search for Matt?”

Pidge stood up to help Allura place the coffee without spilling it and grinned at her friend’s enthusiasm. “I was just about to tell her.”

The princess sat down next to Romelle and put her hands to her chest in a show of sympathy. “It is a lovely story, please go on.”

With a laugh, she did.

#voltron #plance #lidge #pidgance #flirtyrobot #cyance #voltron legendary defender #vld #katie holt #pidge gunderson #vld lance #lance mcclain #vld fanfiction #vld syl verse

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yandere-daydreams · 4 years

Note

Prompt: politically influential Aphrodite wages war on the princess of a neighbour country because she can't control her gayness

While I hate writing for gender-specific Darlings, I may’ve made a *slight* exception in this case. Aphrodite is one of the more unstable Gods, sure, but she’d just be so romantic with her precious little Princess of a Darling… it’s almost nice. Almost.

TW: Slight Infantalization, Non-Consensual Touching and Mentions of Violence.

By the time you got to your balcony, the city was already burning.

Red and white and every color in between sparked across the rooftops, smoke billowing out of open windows and blocking the view into doorways left ajar by fleeing occupants. You didn’t recognize the battalion of invading soldiers, the insignia on their armor foreign and a flag absent from view, the only familiar shape being that of the swords and shields clutched in each of their hands. You leaned forward, gripping the guardrail as a family ran out of their collapsing house, a parent clutching a child's hand and attempting to drag them past the aggressors, only to be cut down by the faceless troop without a second of reluctance.

The urge to do something sickeningly noble hit you instantly, the temptation to jump from your position of protection and stop them yourself managing to spar with your common sense longer than it should’ve. Instead, gather your skirts in your fists and prepared to confront them diplomatically, but a sweet, melodic voice stopped you from doing so, a voice you didn’t have to struggle to put a face too.

Aphrodite never seemed fond of you getting your hands dirty, after all. Even if she was more than willing to take up the task herself.

“Don’t fret,” She started, the words as much a dissuasion as they were an order. You stopped in your tracks instantly, not having noticed the Goddess’ presence before, but Aphrodite was impossible to miss once she decided she needed to be seen. She seemed to float where she was perched on your guardrail, balancing effortlessly despite how her silk dress whipped and snapped in the wind, a glass of something clear and foaming in one hand and the other running carelessly through curly hair -- each strand dyed a deep shade of crimson. You couldn’t help but feel today’s color had been picked for the event at hand. “They’ve sworn to maim, not kill. It’s their claim to decency, if you will. They’re overrunning your city, sure, but they’re doing it with solely peaceful intentions.” She stopped, a smile breaking out across perfectly flushed cheeks. “Clever, isn’t it? They may not be the heroes in your myths, but they will make very honorable villains. I still need to work on my own motive, if you have any suggestions.”

“It’s monstrous.” You didn’t hesitate, gritting your teeth as you settled. She held out a welcoming arm, but you couldn’t bring yourself to focus on anything in particular, only staring blankly over the carnage. “Why would you…. why? Did I do something to offend you? Did they do something to tarnish your name?”

“Mortals are always so worried about that, aren’t they? I suppose we’ve spoiled you, always providing a proper catalyst rather than throwing you to the sharks.” She took a sip from the crystalline glass, cringing at the flavor before dropping the object unceremoniously, letting it shatter against the paved road below. “I could spoil you properly, if you’d let me. Hephestus just gifted me the loveliest golden cuffs, I really should’ve brought them, they’d look so striking with your complexion--”

You didn’t hesitate, interrupting her with a flat tone. “You’re not answering the question, mistress.”

There was a pout, Aphrodite’s curls seeming to loosen when she grew tired of struggling with them. “So impatient, (Y/n), have I taught you nothing?” She clicked her tongue, shaking her head disapprovingly, continuing with a wide sweep of the chaos outside your palace. “Love and war, love and war, that’s what everything leads back to! As romance blooms from conflict, one will always come from the other. War always blossoms into something beautiful.”

“Only if you consider bloodshed to be a sight for sore eyes.” You snapped towards her without thinking, taking a tentative step in Aphrodite’s direction. “I don’t understand, why do you have to hurt these people? Does it have something to do with Ares?”

She laughed, snorted, the sound simultaneously akin to the chiming of bells and fingernails scraping across copper. “Ares… that fool wishes I would still wage war for him. No, my dear, if I ever stoop to chasing after him, push me off the highest cliff you can find.” You made the mistake of closing your eyes, if only for a moment, and Aphrodite was gone by the time you opened them. You wondered if she fled, if she’d gotten tired of tormenting you, but that hope dissolved as strong arms wrapped around your waist from behind, a tall form soon looming over yours. “The trophy I have in mind is much more rewarding than a lover so fleeting.”

You were spellbound, for a moment, breathless and speechless. You didn’t dare push her away, already more than aware of what Aphrodite’s wrath would entail, but you couldn’t help but stiffen as her chin came to rest on your shoulder, her chest slotting too intimately against your back. It was all you could do to keep yourself standing, your knees threatening to buckle under the pure lack of proximity she allowed. “But, your husband--”

“My husband is a very kind man, he knows what my divine responsibilities require and he understands that my attention must wander.” She squeezed your side affectionately, kissing your cheek when the gesture didn’t earn a response. “Did all those nights we spent together mean nothing? All those scandalous prayers you sent me, all those wishes I helped you to fulfill… Surely, you didn’t think I would do this for every pretty face among my followers.” There was a short pause, giving Aphrodite time to sigh, the noise as loud as it was dramatic. “If you don’t talk to me, I’m going to start to think you don’t find this impressive at all.”

The realization hit you hard enough to bruise. She thought this was impressive. She was trying to be impressive.

She was doing this to impress you.

“If I give you… what you want,” You mumbled, your nerve faltering with every other word. “If I give you what you want, will you be content?”

“Oh, nothing would make me happier!” You were nearly lifted off your feet as her excitement boiled over, her grip growing crushing as she went on. “We’ll have to celebrate, won’t we? I’m glad the palace is still intact, it’ll make a wonderful venue, and everything’ll be ready by sunset if we begin now. That’ll be perfect… or, do you want to spend the rest of the day doing something more private?” Her grin broadened, pressing into your neck as she chuckled. “I wouldn’t blame you for wanting to put-off the announcement, I know how shy you can be.”

You brightened despite yourself, although your smile remained fragile. “And you’ll call off the attack? My people, too, they’ll need aid--”

“They don’t matter.” You faltered, moving to speak, but if the Goddess noticed, she didn’t care. Her hold only grew tighter, her voice lighter, Aphrodite glowing even more stunningly than before. You could practically feel the heat radiating off of her, beginning to sear at your back, but you couldn’t bring yourself to pull away.

Not when your city was burning even brighter with each passing second.

“We have each other, now, what more could you ever want?”

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k1nky-fool · 3 years

Text

Between Regulations and Protocols

Part 1/?

Pairing: Thrawn x OC

m/f pairing

Rating: Teen

Warnings: bit of angst, introductions to characters and story.

Taglist: none yet. If you want to be tagged in future chapters, feel free to DM me or comment on this chapter.

It wasn’t as though she could have prevented this disaster. However, there were certainly moments which, in hindsight, could have been changed just by thinking through a decision with a wiser mind. By now, it was much too late, and the mess left in front of Ceka was as regrettable as it was dangerous.

For her at least, this was dangerous. She hadn’t meant for it to get so out of hand. As far as she was concerned one or two of the indulgences she allowed herself were fine. It was when these “indulgences” became so regular they might as well be the rule, that it began to be a problem.

Every time Ceka gave herself that allowance, every rule in the book ran through her head, making sure that none were being broken. As far as the book was concerned, crushing this hard on a superior was not forbidden so long as it was not acted upon and the individual in question’s work is not compromised.

There were rules for relationships. Probably because Ceka’s current predicament was not uncommon. Especially when one was serving under an officer as respectful and intelligent as Grand Admiral Thrawn. Feelings happened, and rules were in place. And while rules were not broken, Ceka could snake her way around them without even so much as bending them.

It was necessary with her situation. Long before she was ever harboring feelings for the Grand Admiral, Ceka had to claw her way to the top as a Togruta in a system that was clearly designed to cut those like her down.

Perhaps that was what drew her to Grand Admiral Thrawn in the first place. As shallow and rude as it sounded, him being a non-human, thriving in such a rigged system was astounding to Ceka. She knew first-hand what it takes just to get out of the academy in one piece. It took bone, blood, and tears just to get to her current position. It was probably another level of hell in reality to get to a position where people took orders from him instead of having to fight for enough recognition to be respected as a living being.

Of course the first thing she did when assigned as an ISB consultant on The Chimera was to do her research on her superior. Even if he wasn’t such a sight for sore eyes, she would have looked into him, just to get a map of the territory she was treading on. Ceka had served under her fair share of slimy bastards and downright war criminals.

Much to her surprise, he was almost spotless. A court marshall, but it wasn’t a severe offense, at least not to her. Above all else, nobody had anything very malicious to say about working under him. There were plenty of people who were conflicted, taking orders from a non-human. However, the vast majority of people, even Stormtroopers, had relatively nice things to say about working under him.

What they did say was that Grand Admiral Thrawn was a rather imposing presence. He ran a seamless ship, left little room for error so long as the crew did their work. It was said he was a ruthless strategist, which didn’t surprise Ceka in the slightest considering what she had read of him. He was intimidating, but very few had any elaboration on that comment. She didn’t see for herself until she was called into his office the next day. Ceka hadn’t the slightest idea of what he wanted.

Entering his office was damn near surreal. Ceka hadn’t met anyone in Imperial High Command that held such a collection of art. And especially not such a diverse lineup either. Everything from a Mirialan statuette of a goddess she couldn’t name, to a segment of a durasteel wall covered corner-to-corner in generations of graffiti, to a Clone’s painted helmet from the war it was so known for. The Grand Admiral, himself, was nowhere to be found.

Right away, this struck Ceka as odd. The art was the lesser of two analyses in her mind. She had been called over her wrist comm to meet Grand Admiral Thrawn in his office, where he is not currently present. If it were a prank from a superior officer for some hazing she was too familiar with, then it would have been a better move to call her here while the admiral was present. If it was indeed the admiral that sent for her, then there was a reason for this.

In interrogation, making the suspect wait was a tactic to put them on edge. And if that was the admiral’s goal, then it was working. But it wouldn’t do well to leave an unknown individual in your office, especially since she knew it was more than likely that he knew she was looking him up as soon as she got here. Letting her in here without supervision was a foolish move.

Unless of course, she wasn’t unsupervised.

Keeping her wits about her, Ceka began walking around the office, carefully observing everything in the room. To anyone watching, it would look more like she was admiring all the art on display, when in reality, she was scanning over every surface in search of anything that might be a recording device. If it’s sending a live feed, then it’ll be in something that can easily conceal wires or large enough and shaped well enough to hide an antenna to transmit the data to a screen somewhere.

She mentally cleared a random painting, and the durasteel graffiti wall. A few of the sculptures could barely fit enough material in them to remain standing, so those were cleared too. The Mirialan statuette was too small to hide anything. And it would be easy to see the mechanisms of a recording device inside.

More suddenly than Ceka would have liked, she stopped dead in her tracks. She turned to the clone helmet. She felt stupid as soon as she noticed it; this particular helmet was outfitted with a recorder by its visor. They were used to record and review battlefield footage in the Clone War. The antenna on the helmet and the device itself fit the categories to send live feed to a holoscreen somewhere. “Very subtle, Grand Admiral. I wish I had noticed sooner, but if you were looking to challenge me, you certainly did a good job.”

A door on the side of the office hissed open, revealing the man that set up this whole charade. “Not one new crew member has deduced the design of the test until now. Most giving in to impatience long before they attempt to find reason.”

“You do this with every new crew member?” She asked.

“Everyone assigned to The Chimera ranked Lieutenant or higher.” He said. “However, as mentioned, you are the first to realize you were being observed. Let alone to find the device I was watching from.”

Ceka wasn’t sure exactly how to feel about that. She was half certain he was complimenting her, but there was also a chance he was just thinking out loud about what he had observed. “Seeing as I am an ISB agent, and in charge of interrogation, I would hope I know my way around observation tactics.”

“You have found a place where your talents are put to good use.” He said, “However, I do find myself rather curious about you.”

Ceka moved to the space in front of his desk as he moved behind it to take something out of one of the drawers. "I'm more than happy to answer any questions you have." She said.

"I will keep that in mind." He noted, pulling something up in the holoprojector. It was just about every file The Empire kept on her. Every mission, every report, every personal file, and even her academy registration. "Much like yourself, I did my research when you were assigned to The Chimera. I must say, your talents are exemplary, yet based on the impression you made when faced with my test, your files do not add up."

Clearly the lack of reaction from her made him all the more interested. In truth, she expected he might say that. "What specifically do you want to know?"

"Agent Lo, I am no stranger to the ruthless ends humans will go to in order to assure they are not upstaged by someone they deem less than themselves." He cut in. "Yet you have managed to reach your current rank without any recorded incident. Not even so much as uniform code violation marres your record."

"I consider myself an upstanding agent." She said, as though to tell him respectfully to get to the point.

"Then tell me, Agent, why is it you actively dull any record of your success?"

"Sir?"

"I understand the need to blend in with your peers." He continued, "However every record that mentions an accomplishment of yours has been buried in unnecessary details; even your own reports follow this pattern."

Ceka could feel her throat tighten and her face heat as Thrawn observed her carefully as though he could see through her skin. He was indeed as intimidating as everyone had said. She had said she was willing to answer whatever questions he had, and now she wished she hadn't said that.

She forced herself to relax. "You said it yourself. I need to blend in with my peers. And you know better than anyone else what they're willing to do to cut me down should I rise above them." Ceka explained. "It's a method of survival, that is all. Remaining at the average minimizes the harassment I receive."

Thrawn considered her words. "Why minimize it?" He asked. "It would be far easier to simply retire from military service."

A small smile graced her face. There was so much more to her than just self preservation. "Because retiring is not my goal, sir."

"What is your goal, agent?"

There was the right question. "To make my home planet whole again." She answered without hesitation. "The Galactic Empire has redistributed the population of Shili to only major cities and tribes they had the ability to commit troops to. My tribe was among the many to be forced off their ancestral territory. My goal is to climb ISB ranks until I can bring to light that it is more dangerous to The Empire to force Togrutas off their homeland than to commit minimal troops to the smaller tribes."

"A noble cause, Agent Lo." He noted. "I have come to a decision. I expect you to take full credit for every successful assignment I give you. Should I find in any of your reports that you belittle your role in the accomplishment, the report will be rejected, and I will require a new one."

"Ah- sir, I-"

"That will be all, Agent Lo, you are dismissed."

Ceka opened her mouth to speak again, but the rulebook went through her head again. Disobeying orders was an offence one could be court marshalled for. But voicing disagreements were not prohibited, even though any officer would find a way to punish you for questioning orders.

However here, Ceka would risk it. "Indulge me for one more minute, sir." She all but demanded, causing him to once again pay close attention to her. "I understand what you're doing. You want me to step up; to be something greater than I am. Because after hearing what I am trying to accomplish, you believe you have a better strategy than I do."

Her words caught him off guard. She didn't give him enough time to recover before she continued. "I acknowledge that I probably don't have the best strategy. However, if you are going to require me to bend to your plan for my own life, then you're going to need a better strategy to get me to follow along." Ceka held her head high, and hid her nerves behind a strong voice. "Because if there is anything I know you have learned from your test and our minimal interactions, it is that I am patient, especially when I am being beat down and discarded."

"This is your way of telling me you do not intend to abandon your methods?" He inquired.

"This is my way of showing you the merits of my methods." She clarified. "And hopefully, I will change your mind."

Thrawn scanned her face once again, coming to some unknown conclusion. "It is unwise to reveal your end goal to the enemy."

Ceka offered a modest smile. "You are not my enemy, sir."

With that, she turned on her heel and made her way out the door. Ceka's heart raced and she had to make a solid effort to slow her breathing. Right then she promised herself that arguing with him would be forbidden from there on out. That was far too dangerous, and it was a miracle Thrawn hadn't cut her off and refused to hear her out. He could have her off The Chimera by morning. But even then she knew that this was an empty promise.

-X-

As it turns out, eighty-four was the magical number of rejected reports before Grand Admiral Thrawn finally gives in and calls you into his office to renegotiate the terms of his orders. It took twenty-eight days to reach this point. Every day, she would eat her meals and write out a new report to the same mission, even if Thrawn had yet to notify her that the last one was rejected. Ceka stood in front of his desk once again, as he flipped through all eighty-four reports on the holoprojector.

It was one single mission. An investigation into disappearing medical supplies from a medicenter on Pantora, that Ceka had figured out pretty quickly. But every single one of them was worded to shine the light of success into anyone other than her.

Thrawn must have been looking for something in the reports, but he was coming up empty handed. It was another brief moment before he shut off the holoprojector. "I admit, I underestimated your talent for persistence."

She couldn't have been more excited to hear that from him. In all honesty, it was wearing her out. Finding new ways to reword the same events was exhausting. "However, what you have shown me is something I did not expect to find." He said, now slowly walking around his desk to circle her. "My attempt to outsmart you was quickly turned into a challenge to outlast you. However, it has answered more questions about you than I could ever ask."

"I am glad the experience was illuminating, sir." She was careful not to appear smug or prideful in any way, even if she was rather proud of herself for this.

"What has come to light is exactly how you managed to remain unseen by those that wish to do you harm, yet impress those that you wish to be more visible to." He explained. "I would like to see you put this to use more often."

"What do you have in mind, sir?"

"To start, I will rescind my orders to take more praise in your reports." Thrawn said, causing Ceka to smile. "In light of your tenacity, I have another duty for you. As it is already one of your many tasks on my ship to assess the officers and troopers for information leaks, I would also like you to send me reports of those who rise above their peers."

Ceka was surprised to receive such a request from him. "Pardon me, sir, but can't you select your elite by looking at the reports yourself?"

"It has occured to me that you are far from the only officer under my command that hides behind their more obnoxious coworkers and modest wording in reports. Unfortunately, due to their efforts, it is difficult to find the more competent workers of my fleet." He explained. "You are in a particularly beneficial position to solve this problem. Seeing as you are not only interacting with the lower ranks of my fleet on a closer level, you also know what to look for in those that possess the same skill set as you."

"It takes one to know one." Ceka chuckled awkwardly, knowing exactly what he meant. Honestly it was a miracle he even saw her point of view at all. Let alone be open to changing his mind and instead giving her an assignment that they both agreed would suit her talents. "I can do that, sir."

"That is much appreciated, agent." Thrawn said, "You are dismissed."

Ceka turned to leave, but she stopped herself. Once again the rules made her hesitate. It might not be professionalism at its best, but she would give herself this allowance. "Oh, grand admiral, sir?"

Thrawn turned to face her once more. He was no longer a stranger to how bold Ceka Lo could be, but this time she wasn't angry. Instead, she smiled kindly. "Thank you. For giving me a chance." It was a split second, so fast she wasn't even sure it was completely real; Thrawn returned with a small percentage of a smile to her.

There was a faster moment that Ceka felt herself take a moment to recover, where her heart stuttered at the sight of him just smiling for a fraction of a second. However it was gone the moment she reminded herself where she was and who he was. "Sir." She nodded with a stern voice, bidding him goodbye before she marched back out the office door.

It was rare a superior gave her the time of day. And so rare to be given respect and a smile that Thrawn was the first to offer after many, many years of serving the Empire. Ceka held onto that image in her mind every time someone would say anything hurtful, or when someone would do something rude. She allowed herself to remember Thrawn gave her a chance to prove herself, and he respected her for it.

There were moments that she stood in his office again, whether it be for a strategy meeting or a PSA for the higher ranked officers, Ceka hoped to whatever god in the galaxy was listening that she might catch another glimpse of his smile.

He smirked quite often, she found. Not that it was very easy to notice those either, but once she was watching, she noticed. It was usually when he was explaining his strategy to his officers that his expressions were slightly more discernible. For the most part, he kept the same even tone, and strong, calculated glare. Red eyes kept up with every little detail going on around him, and Ceka had to wonder exactly which details he noticed.

Really at this point, Ceka found she looked for any reason to be around Thrawn. He was an island of peace in an ocean of exhausting people. But what really made her start to worry was when he probably figured out he was her island.

It was rather chaotic in the aftermath of an attack. The way The Chimera was run made the battle itself run like a well oiled machine. However, trying to get everyone on the same page, especially if there were significant losses, was pretty much hell.

One particular flight officer was being specifically infuriating. She just wanted to know how many TIE fighters they had left. Ceka did not need to know who was flying, and who came back, or why only four fighters could land properly. Cykla went off on another tangent about how they were going to need repairs before she finally cut him off. "Cykla, just tell me how many TIE fighters we have left in the fleet."

Despite her even tone, Ceka had murder on her mind and it must have shown on her face with how he shut up immediately. "Six."

"Great…" She hissed out. "Now I can go to my job and tell the Grand Admiral we need more TIE fighters. You are dismissed, Cykla."

He gave a curt nod, running off to do whatever the hell else he had to to get this ship running at full capacity again. Ceka busied herself punching the numbers into a slow datapad, being on the verge of throwing it against a wall.

"I take it Officer Cykla was being difficult." Thrawn's voice made her jump slightly, but the second her eyes landed on him, she gave a small smile, and she visibly relaxed.

"Just a little slow." Ceka chuckled, still trying to hit the datapad to get the damn number to punch in. "Which seems to be a running theme today."

"Is there something wrong with your datapad, Agent?" He asked.

"I dropped it off the hyperdrive room railing when the ship was first hit. Didn't have the chance to get it back until a few minutes ago, but it looks like a few people might have stepped on it." She explained, knocking it against her montral and hearing something make a pinging sound echo around in her head. That couldn't be a good sign. "Well, that's unfortunate. I have a few nostalgic files on this datapad."

"I am curious of what you might keep on a datapad that one would find nostalgic." He said.

"Oh, it was just a few of the Pantora Medicenter Investigation reports I never got to give you. I kept writing them until you told me I could stop." She shrugged.

"How many reports did you write?" He asked with clear curiosity.

Ceka actually had to think hard for a moment. "You gave up at eighty-four, but I had a few extras on queue. I wrote a total of one-hundred-two reports."

Thrawn usually did a great job of hiding his emotions, but ever since Ceka started paying close attention to him, she began noticing the smallest expressions he gave. Right now his eyes went to the side, as though he had to give himself a moment to process that information. There were eighteen more reports on that one mission. All of them ready to be rejected, where she was ready to write more.

When he did look back to her, Ceka was smiling again, now trying to stop herself from laughing. "Do you find something amusing, Agent Lo?"

She really wished she could say no. Usually when a superior officer asked that question it just meant to stop smiling and take things seriously. However it was not in Thrawn's nature to use many euphemisms or human sayings, so he was genuinely asking. "Yes, sir." She nodded, still smiling as she explained herself. "It's not all that difficult to read your expressions. And when I told you how many reports I had written it was like every gear in your head stopped turning all at once. I thought it looked a little uncharacteristic is all."

Thrawn became more interested in her words. "I have rarely heard that it is easy to read my expressions. In fact most say the exact opposite."

Now it was her turn to stop and think. How in the hells did she hope to explain this to him? Was she supposed to tell Grand Admiral Thrawn that he spent just about every moment of every day hoping to see him, or that if she did get to see him that she carefully watched him in hopes of seeing him smile again? No, that would be very bad. But lying to a superior officer was quite specifically stated in the regulation.

"I'm in ISB. I guess I'm just very good at watching for small details." Both statements were true. She didn't have to tell him that the two statements had little to no correlation in reality or that she was only good at watching him for close details. Everyone else she just knew how to interrogate.

A beat of a moment went by before she caught it. Another split second where he gave a genuine smile, only for it to be gone the next second. The instant that passed by in silence before he answered felt like an eternity. "Indeed you are."

His answer left Ceka more distressed than trying to figure out how to avoid confessing her every private thought to him. Did he know she was hiding something? Did he know all along what she was doing? She wanted answers, but nobody but Thrawn could give them to her. She was all the more terrified of what those answers might be.

Though, it was nice to come back to her cabin late that night to find a new datapad waiting on her desk.

She didn't see Thrawn for a while after that. Not one on one, at least. She would occasionally catch him in the bridge as she was doing rounds with all the stations. Though when Ceka looked over to him out of habit, more often than not, he would already be closely observing her. Every time he did, she would tense up again and focus back on her work.

The heart stopping call came later that week. Thrawn asked to see her in his office once again. She had no idea what this could be about, and nothing about the last week really stood out. And especially not since their awkward conversation.

Though, he didn't waste any time as soon as she entered the art-filled space. Right away, she could tell something was up. Thrawn had never looked so worn out, not even after talking to the lieutenants. "Agent, if you are not currently indisposed, I would appreciate some assistance."

"What do you need?" Ceka asked without hesitation. Either she would get this over with or she would have to prepare herself for a long task.

"There was an incident with a terrorist group on the planet surface this afternoon. Unfortunately, Commander Bengts is on medical leave for the next three weeks, and since you and I are the only officers left with the clearance and skills necessary to review the reports, we are the only ones to be able to complete the processing." He explained.

"Would these usually just go into filing? Unless there's something specifically abnormal about this incident?" Thrawn had already sent the reports to her datapad.

"Yes. According to several eyewitness accounts, an imperial officer was seen giving information and weapons to three of the attackers just before it began."

Ceka took a long breath, calming her nerves. It didn't help that she was already on shaky ground with Thrawn as she was still questioning if he was aware of her growing fondness for him. Good thing endurance was her specialty, otherwise she would have given up the first time he smiled at her.

Pinching the bridge of her nose, she came to her choice. "This probably means they're waiting on some kind of information to pass on. They're not yet ready for a full attack, which is why they simply aided the terrorists and didn't blow their cover. By your estimation, how long do we have before such an informant gets their hands on severely damaging information?"

"Depending on their rank, approximately two days. In the next fifty hours, I will be receiving a transmission from the Imperial headquarters on the surface to account for the current number of troopers on guard and officers working." He answered.

Ceka took her datapad and began searching through the reports. "The sooner we finish this, the sooner we can sleep." She said. "Unfortunately, time is not something we have the luxury of."

-X-

-Thrawn-

"Let us start with who was present on the ground during the attack-"

"No, we need to start with who exactly these terrorists are, and what they were doing. What was their mission? How did they accomplish it? Where did they escape to after its completion? Or if they completed their mission at all." Ceka interjected. "We've been here on Wutellou for about a standard month. Start with the locals. What do we know about them as a people?"

Her interruption surprised him to say the least. To be completely honest, she hadn't ever stopped surprising him. However, Ceka had the right approach to the problem. He was certain she would just let him take the lead, but it was becoming increasingly clear that despite her near religious commitment to subtlety, when it came to him she was anything but reserved the way she was with everyone else. It was easy to see why Agent Ceka Lo had captured Thrawn's attention.

"Tellouans are a very spiritual people. They also place most of their values into unity and connection to one another and their planet." He explained. "The population seems to worship the ground, as a way of giving respect to the very thing that gives them the vegetation they grow for food and spiritual practices."

"That… sounds awfully familiar."

"I imagine it would." He said, pulling up a few sources on his holoprojector. "Watellou shares many similarities with your homeworld, Shili."

"However, they're largely vegetarians, from what I can gather. There aren't many animals big enough to eat on Watellou." Ceka noted, in a somewhat short tempered way. "So, they probably aren't as culturally focused on hunting as my people."

Thrawn noted how she grumbled about the lack of meat on the planet. It had occurred to him that Togrutas were carnivores, and unable to eat most of the food served in the mess. Though, he did make sure she wasn't starving, even though there wasn't a whole lot of good food for Ceka to eat. "You did say they hold a deep connection to their planet." She recalled. "So, it would be a fair assumption that they don't want the Imperial agricultural project on their planet, since it is so sacred to them."

"That is logical, yes." He agreed. "Which means their attacks are not likely to be carried out on a large scale, so as not to harm the ground."

"Let's take a look at the reports." She turned to her datapad, connecting it with the holoprojector. "The report of the soldier that saw what type of weapons were being smuggled said they were E-11 blaster rifles. However weapons were not the only thing given to the insurgents."

"The inventory report after the attack states several crates of empty gas canisters were also missing." Thrawn pointed out. "An attack utilizing poison gas would assure the land attacked would not be harmed."

One look to Ceka proved she was enjoying herself while digging for information. "Guess what the most poisonous plant on Watellou is." A smile cracked across her cheeks as she pulled an info file of a simple flower onto the projector. "The Osella blossom is a flower that is only found in the very few coniferous forests on Watellou. The one closest to where the supply warehouse was attacked is owned by a local businessman, who employs many people to gather these flowers. Oddly enough, four days ago, he reported that a large portion of his freshly picked flowers had gone missing."

Thrawn looked over the file on the flowers. "Only the roots are poisonous. The flower petals are dried and used for a tea that is very popular among the locals. Boiling the roots will secrete a poisonous gas known as Lesurra gas." He read. "We know the insurgents are planning a large gas attack. More than likely on the Imperial command center that has been established."

"So we know what they want, how they plan to do it, and because of the information you will be getting in the next two days, we know when they plan to do it." Ceka concluded. "Now we just need to figure out who is planning to leak that information to them."

"Now we must narrow down the list of suspects based on reports." He said. Ceka took a deep breath, finding a seat on his desk as she began reading through reports.

The low light of the holoprojector illuminated her more now that she was seated right next to it. The blue light did little to change the tone of her skin. It was rare that Thrawn met many Togrutas in his line of work, however, even Ceka was certainly something of a rare specimen of her species.

When Thrawn was researching her, he found that the specific shades of light blue that showed on her skin were only found in two clans of the Lo Tribe, and nowhere else on Shili. Ceka had a very soft appearance. Her age wasn't shown anywhere other than the length of her lekku, which placed her perhaps a year or two younger than himself. Her montrals rounded backward off her head and spiked back up like horns. The patterns across her skin were soft, bubbled shapes that spread all around like water.

But it didn't take a military genius to know she was so much more vicious than her appearance suggested. Particularly her deep violet eyes, that scanned everything as though it could give her something if she just convinced it of such. Ceka bit her lip in focus on the task at hand. She was quite brilliant, even if she was convinced her only talents were in enduring brutal treatment. Thrawn wanted nothing more than to show her that she had other talents that could help her never see such brutal treatment ever again.

In some ways Thrawn noticed Ceka's favor of him, though usually only through her demeanor. It confused him how she could manage to be both comfortable expressing herself to him and rigid the second he acknowledged her comfort.

In many ways, Thrawn saw himself being drawn to her. He rarely bothered to know his subordinates more than basic research, and in truth, Ceka was one of only seven people to ever peak his interest enough to give them the test she passed with such ease. Her response had only heightened his curiosity of her character. Even this was an opportunity for him to learn more about her. And every time he learned something new, his interest only grew.

This was indeed going to be a long night.

-X-

It had been nearly eight hours. Four a.m. galactic standard time. Every report from the warehouse had been looked through, and even people that weren't planetside had been looked into. Nothing looked even remotely suspicious.

"I don't suppose you've already ruled out the possibility that they had someone impersonate an officer?" Ceka asked with a dragging voice. She laid on her back on Thrawn's desk, staring up at the holograms that still hadn't given them a lead.

"You ruled that out three hours ago." He reminded her. "If I recall correctly, you said a Tellouan with a skin color and texture similar to a human's would be more rare than finding one with horns small enough to fit into an officer's uniform. I also agreed, stating that using an infiltrator would not guarantee they would be able to get the information they need for their attack."

"You're right." Ceka groaned, rubbing her eyes again. "Either way, we're running out of time. Forty-seven hours to find a traitor with no leads is damn near impossible."

"You say 'near impossible.' Is there something you believe would make the task at hand possible?" He asked.

"The ability to drink three gallons of caf in a minute would be helpful." She said, "More people to look through the reports would be useful. Many hands make for light work, after all, but alerting our subordinates that there is a traitor amidst them is too high of a risk. I think it's impossible to find the culprit in time with only two people."

Thrawn was impressed with Ceka in the eight hours they had spent together theorizing and even arguing at times. However, he would admit he would have never gotten this far on his own, this fast. Most of the investigation is credited to Ceka. It was his job to help her investigate, then come up with a plan once they had found their traitor.

"Agent, you are an exemplary investigator. If there is anyone that can accomplish this in the given timeframe, it is you." He said.

Suddenly, Ceka sat up. About a million thoughts looked to be passing behind her eyes before she settled on one. "Timeframe…." Her voice was quiet, as she once again took control of the holoprojector, still sitting on his desk. "We're looking at the wrong timeframe."

She pulled up personnel files from everyone who was planetside for the last four days. "Remember, four days ago, the report of a missing batch of Osella flowers was given by a local businessman?" She asked. "We know his own employee probably stole them, right?"

"That was the logical conclusion, yes." Thrawn agreed.

"First, what if the traitor isn't working alone?"

"Then I suppose only half of the information would be present in the reports of the warehouse attack. The other half would be with someone we have already ruled out, thus making it impossible for us to find the culprits on those reports, alone." He reasoned. "Who do you suspect?"

"Four days ago, Commander Bengts was hospitalized. The morning after the Osella flower batch went missing." Ceka explained with a smile on her face, searching for a minute before pulling up the commander's medical file.

Thrawn read the file thoroughly before landing on something that Ceka must have known would be there by the way she smiled. "Reason for hospitalization: Toxin inhalation." He read out loud.

He turned to Ceka once again, only to find her still smiling. "We can order a test for the Osella toxin and have the results in the next two hours."

"That only leaves her accomplice." Thrawn noted, searching through the reports again to see which officer specifically has been stationed with Commander Bengts for their assignment to Watellou. One name stuck out. "Supply Officer Cykla was planetside, stationed at the warehouse during the attack." He pointed out. "Cykla was also the officer that filled out the inventory report of what was stolen. And has also been assigned to the command center tomorrow to report inventory, where he will have access to the transmissions being sent from the command center."

Ceka placed her feet on the ground, standing tall, but a little wobbly from the sleep deprivation. "Shall I set up interrogations, sir?"

"No need." He ordered. "I will give the order to have Commander Bengts tested for the Osella toxin, and I shall reassign Officer Cykla to accompany me to organize the information from the command center. He will be forced to abandon his original plan and act in panic, giving us the evidence we need to incriminate him."

"I can help, sir. You don't need to carry this out alone." She was nearly pleading even if she could keep it behind a thin layer of professionalism.

"I am sure you can offer your skills to the mission. However you are sleep deprived, and until you are well rested, you would be unnecessarily placing yourself in harm's way if you were to continue like this." Thrawn reasoned. "As of now, you are relieved of duty until you have recovered."

"But, sir-"

"That is an order, Agent Lo." His voice became stern, but as he watched Ceka, she appeared to halted all cognitive thought as she suppressed a shiver. Thrawn noticed how her face became hot and the muscles around her throat tightened. He was unaware that Togrutas not only blushed on their face, but also their lekku.

Ceka had to force herself to breath again. "Yes, sir." Was all she could get out from behind tense muscles and a figure frozen in place.

"You are dismissed."

She marched off in a hurry, though Thrawn didn't get the impression that she was scared at all. In fact she seemed to be enjoying herself quite a bit.

Thrawn decided to focus on the task at hand. He had just barely learned the nuances of human behavior, he didn't have the time to figure out what made Ceka tick before his command center was eradicated.

-X-

-Ceka Lo-

After Thrawn had commanded her to get some sleep, Ceka was having a surprising amount of difficulty letting go of consciousness. There was a lot to process, particularly about how the entire night had gone.

She hadn't meant to so casually sit on his desk, though when he didn't stop her or even mention it, Ceka allowed herself to get comfortable. They had started the night speaking with formalities, though as time progressed and exhaustion began to take hold, she began interrupting him when she felt like it, as he would for her. She swore a few times without any shame. When she laid down on his desk, he didn't say anything. She took every liberty, and Thrawn gave them without any question.

But at the very end of it all, the order he gave her wasn't what surprised her. It was her own reaction to how he spoke. Heat shot up her spine and she stood at complete attention. What shocked her was that she honestly didn't expect to be given an order, despite everything Ceka had drilled into her head from day one at the academy. Somehow, she felt comfortable enough around Thrawn that it was a surprise when he did normal, imperial, things.

Though, even then Ceka knew this could only be the beginning of something terrible.

-X-

Somehow she managed to pass out after an hour. When she awoke again, everything appeared to be working smoothly. No trooper was out of place, no officer looked worried, and all was as though Ceka never fell asleep in the first place. Though, a quick look at her wrist chrono told her it had been nearly six hours.

Walking through corridors to Thrawn's office, she found something must be working well. There were two troopers standing guard instead of just one. "I take it Cykla is in there?"

"Yes sir." The command trooper confirmed. The other flinched when he spoke. Suddenly the other trooper was very interesting.

"Is something bothering you, trooper?" Ceka asked with a warm smile. She wasn't ignorant of her appearance. She was rather soft looking, and it was easy for people to underestimate her or trust her. Most people she interrogated were more likely to trust a non-human because of how rare they were in the Empire.

The trooper stood firmly at attention. "No sir." There was something off about his voice. Though, with two words, it was difficult to place.

"It's ok to be anxious. I'm sure anyone would be worried once they wondered why the grand admiral doubled the security in his office." She suggested. The trooper must have been eyeing her cautiously behind his helmet.

"I assure you, I'm fine sir." He said. Now Ceka could place it.

"You won't be." Before he could even flinch, she knocked the blaster out of his hand and rammed his head into the wall. The command trooper aimed his gun at the two of them, unsure as to what was going on. "At ease, soldier." She said, taking the helmet off the unconscious criminal, revealing dark green skin, and very small horns for one of his kind. "He was probably back up."

"How did you know?"

"His Tellouan accent." She said, restraining the prisoner. "Now I just need to see what his plan was. Take him to containment. I'll stand guard here."

"Yes, sir." He replied faithfully, throwing the infiltrator over his shoulder and carrying him away. Ceka pulled her blaster out, and set it to stun, now waiting for Cykla to make a break for it.

A loud crash came from inside the office, and the door hissed open. She stunned Cykla as soon as she laid eyes on him. Thrawn looked between Ceka and the man on the floor with mild amusement. "May I set up interrogations now, sir?"

Thrawn calmly caught his breath, wiping some of the blood off his cheek. "Yes, Agent Lo, that would be the wisest course of action."

...

Thrawn and Ceka stood together, watching the live feed from the two interrogation rooms, waiting for Cykla to regain consciousness. The Tellouan infiltrator nervously fiddled with the cuffs on his wrists, probably trying to find a way to break them off.

"Commander Bengts tested positive for the Osella toxin." Thrawn said, "She has been placed under arrest, but is still recovering."

"We'll need more evidence if we want to convict her. Getting one of these two to admit she's an accomplice should be enough, but I am not confident they'll talk for anything short of their freedom." She noted, looking at the two of them. Cykla was now gaining consciousness, frantically looking around the room and struggling against the restraints.

"Perhaps striking a deal with them is necessary."

Something was finding Ceka rather uncomfortably, and she wanted nothing more than to tear it apart to find out what exactly made it that way. It was Officer Cykla. He's panicking and struggling far too much for someone that had a decent plan until now.

"Perhaps not." She said, exiting the observation room and entering the interrogation.

-Thrawn-

Cykla was quick to stop moving as soon as Ceka entered the room. She didn't say anything as she sat down on the table to his left.

Thrawn couldn't see much from here, yet at the very least he could tell she wasn't trying to be imposing. She reached across the table and released his restraints, sitting back on the table comfortably and without any sign of defensiveness.

She was waiting for something. Pushing this man to the edge of something, but waiting for him to jump off on his own. Ceka remained silent. From the angle of the holorecorder, Thrawn couldn't see her face, but he almost intrinsically knew she was giving her subject a kind smile.

The silence must have become unbearable to the human. "What do you want, Lo?"

"I thought you'd never ask." She said, "You see, a witness at the scene of the attack yesterday saw you aiding the terrorists in their escape, but there's something that's gone completely unanswered, and I want you to give it to me."

"I'm not about to turn on my allies." He hissed back at her.

"Oh- no you aren't. Certainly not yet." She said, "At least not without a reason to. I happen to be in a position to get you just a year of community service, and a dishonorable discharge from the Imperial Navy. Where you can live out the rest of your life doing whatever you want."

"And what in the hells makes you think I value myself over my cause?"

"Why shouldn't you?" She asked as though she were genuinely concerned. "I've seen how much value your life has. And I believe it's worth more than being executed on a treason charge." Cykla broke eye contact and stared at the floor. "I'm not a fool enough to believe you don't have people you're doing this for. Wouldn't it be better to go home and see them again?"

Cykla came to his conclusion quickly. "I want to negotiate those terms." He said.

"Then negotiate."

"I tell you who my associate is, and I take the blame for everything." He said, "Everything was my idea, and she was forced to take orders from me. She gets to live."

"Cykla, you will be executed for this."

"But she won't." He stated. "I want this agreement in writing. So you can't back out after I'm gone."

"Your accomplice must mean quite a lot to you." Ceka noted.

"She is everything and more to me." He said.

Ceka stood from the table and exited the interrogation chamber. Making her way back to the observation room where Thrawn was waiting for her.

She was clearly torn by the situation. She began tapping through her datapad.

"What are you looking for?" Thrawn asked.

"Commander Bengts' medical record." She said, "I have a strong suspicion about why Cykla is so desperate to protect her."

"And why would that be?" Thrawn asked, curious about what Ceka saw that he missed.

Suddenly she stopped scrolling, her shoulders deflating in defeat. Handing the datapad to him, she pinched the bridge of her nose and leaned against the wall, perhaps in regret.

Thrawn looked at the data on the medical file. It was a few pages after the tox screen results, so it wasn't important at the time they were initially investigating. However, it was possibly the most important piece of information in the whole investigation. "She's pregnant."

Ceka nodded. Now it made more sense why she was so torn on this decision. "Tell me I'm being too soft." Her voice held strong, but the tensity in her muscles said otherwise about her emotions. "Tell me we should just execute them both, and move on with our lives. That it's better to just manipulate his confession and charge them both with treason like every other officer would."

"Do you truly believe that to be the wisest course of action in this case?" Thrawn asked.

"I want to believe it is in my best interest."

"Yet you are still questioning it."

"By Imperial Law, I need a confession from him to charge her. But if he doesn't confess to her being an accomplice, then there's nothing I can do, and at most she'll be medically discharged." Ceka went through her thought process. "Either way, Cykla is going to be charged with treason. There's no way I can get around that."

"Then perhaps you don't want him to give up Bengts." Thrawn suggested. "She will be medically discharged, and you don't live with that on your conscience."

"I can't allow Imperial Law to be determined by the weight on my conscience." She argued.

"Then don't allow it." He stated.

"It'll be a failed interrogation on my near flawless record."

"Attempting to rationalize the less favorable option will not help you make the decision you have already made."

Ceka bit her lip and closed her eyes. She took a moment to take a deep breath before neutralizing her expression and leaving to speak to Cykla again.

On the holoscreen, Ceka stood to her full height. "We will not abide by such an agreement for your accomplice."

"You what!?" Cykla burst. "You can't! She has to live!"

"It will take more investigation, but I am confident that I can find a name without your help." She calmly exited the room as Cykla struggled against the handcuffs.

Ceka didn't return to the observation room.

#thrawn x reader #thrawn x oc #thrawn #original chatacter #original story #star wars #ceka lo

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minghaocouture · 4 years

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The Flower Path Grows Thorns: Chapter 3

Pairing: Vampire!Xu Minghao x Human! Reader Genre: Romance, Fantasy, light Suspense, Non-Idol Au Warnings: Language, mentions of home invasion WC: 4.9K AU Info: Lore Info/ Vampire Coven Info Tag List: @smthingabtlove

A/N: So i restarted this chapter like 4 times because I just didn’t like how it was going. I’m a lot more satisfied with this! Also like to give a shout out to my bro in Discord, Writer Bot. The only reason I wrote this chapter instead of procrastinating it.

Chapter List: One//Two//Three

Jan. 25th, 2021

“So you’re…”

“A Vampire, yes. Should I show you my fangs to prove it?”

The way he watched you, his brown eyes seemed to pierce right to your very core. It was unnerving, and it definitely wasn’t helping how panicked you already were. You had been brought to this bar for safety reasons. At least, that was what that woman-no that vampire, Soonhee, had told you. She said it would be safer in here than it would be out on the streets, or even at your apartment, and it would only get more dangerous for you as night fell.

“No, that’s fine. I’ve already seen enough to believe you,” You murmured, adjusting yourself on the rather stiff twin mattress you were sitting on. Taking a look around, you could tell that this room wasn’t used often. A fine layer of dust coated the furniture and packed boxes were scattered haphazardly around the room, almost as if they had just moved in.

“Pretty lucky that Soonhee found you, huh?” The male mused, Soonhee said that his name was Minghao. He seemed so nonchalant about the whole situation, he probably didn’t even care if you lived or died. So why was he doing this? Why sit around and babysit you when he could be doing...whatever it was that vampires did when they weren’t terrorizing humans.

The silence that followed his question felt like a weight crushing you, but you didn’t know what he wanted you to say. Yes you were lucky? If she hadn’t found you then you would have been dead once the sun set? The thought alone had you shaken to the core. Despite your silence, you refused to look away from the black haired male. The sinking fear that he would attack you lingered, despite Soonhee’s words. You were truly alone here.

“You don’t have to be scared of us.”

If you hadn’t been staring right at him and seen his lips move, you wouldn’t have believed that this man had just spoken to you. Once again, his eyes seemed to examine you taking in every detail of your tensed form.

You don’t really know what came over you, but before you realized it you had stood from the bed. Eyes never leaving his, as your fists clenched in frustration.

“I don’t have to be scared of you?! How can you even say that!?” You knew that this outburst would get you nothing, but you were upset. Your whole world felt like it had been turned upside down. Yet here this man was, a man who only survived by drinking the blood of people like you, telling you that you had nothing to fear. “Just put yourself in my shoes for one second, and then tell me that again. I can’t trust anyone here, for all I know you all could be planning to kill me right now. If that was the plan then guess who wouldn’t know until it’s too late, oh right, that would be me!”

Usually you were a pretty mild tempered person, you didn’t like conflict or yelling at people. This though, this was something entirely different. Right now you were terrified, nothing was certain and that uncertainty, that unknown aspect of this situation was terrifying. Not to mention that you had just found out that species other than humans existed. The stress of the situation was definitely getting to you.

Minghao didn’t seem phased by your outburst, he continued to simply lounge in the rather uncomfortable looking wooden chair. Once again an oppressive silence fell over the room as the two of you locked eyes. After a moment, he leaned forward resting his elbows on his knees with what looked like a smile on his face.

“Feel better?”

You raised a brow at the man, confused by his words before realizing that...yes you did actually feel a tiny bit better. Not great obviously, you were still extremely distressed, but the load seemed to have lightened ever so slightly. Silently, you nodded. His face brightened ever so slightly as he leaned back in the chair once more.

“Holding things like that inside will just make you feel worse,” he explained, almost as if you were a child. Were you a child to him? A silence fell over the room as you stared at him, feeling a bit more at ease now...but only a little bit.

"Follow me."

He didn't bother to wait for an answer from you before he stood from his chair and made his way towards the door. Simply stopping once he grabbed onto the door handle so that he could look back at you, an expectant look on his face. You were practically frozen, the shift in his attitude had you dumbstruck. Unsure of where he was planning on taking you but at the same time you didn't really have any reason to decline, you were already in danger no matter where you were. So you followed after him, down the stairs that you had climbed to enter their living quarters. Taking a right turn at the end of the stairs, entering the double doors that led to the bar.

It wasn't all that crowded tonight, you noticed, it being a Monday night it wasn’t too surprising. You took a moment to look around, watching dancers out of the small designated area looking like they were having the time of their lives, the patrons at the bar, laughing jovially with their friends as they drank their liquor. The loud music thumped and had your heart beating in time with the bass, which was a feeling you weren't used to but one that you didn't hate. Snapping yourself out of your stupor you noticed you were losing Minghao, and quickly made your way over to him as he sat down in front of the bar and gestured for you to do the same.

"You are legal right? We can't afford to lose our liquor license." You nodded, a bit confused as to why he was asking. This certainly wasn't the time to be drinking right?

Apparently you were wrong.

"Hey, Junhui, can you get this one a screwdriver?" He called out, completely disregarding the fact that the male behind the counter was currently in a conversation with a customer. The man in question, Junhui apologized to the woman he was speaking to before he made his way over to Minghao. You assumed that this man was also a member of the coven that Soonhee had spoken to you about, her coven, and it had you wondering how all of their members were so beautiful. You were practically stunned by the blonde behind the bar, his black muscle tee was a little big on him but it hung in all the right ways and he was working those leather pants.

"Thanks for that Hao!" He exclaimed, knowing that he wouldn't be heard over the music. "I thought I would never get away from her, you know how Joy gets when she drinks." Then his attention turned to you and his brows furrowed, obviously confused a bit by your appearance. The way your eyes probably screamed 'i've been crying' definitely was a cause for concern. He glanced back over at Minghao and raised a brow.

"This is Y/N." Was all Minghao gave him and it surprised you and seemed to surprise Junhui as well. The man quickly got to work though, making the requested drink for you before sliding it across the bar.

"So, what brings a little human into the bar and with Minghao no less?" You weren't too sure how to answer that, so you took a sip of the drink. The mix of orange juice and alcohol slid down your throat with ease, it was well mixed, which was something you had issues at with other bars in town. They would always make your drinks far too strong or too weak, this was nice. Before you could think of a proper response, Minghao spoke up again.

"I'm watching her. a favor for Soonhee."

"Soonhee??" His brows furrowed at the name, and he crossed his arms over his chest. "She's still on house arrest? Why couldn't she watch the Y/N herself? Or better yet, why does she need to watch over her in the first place?" The friendly face didn't seem as friendly anymore, obviously something was up. Something that you weren't privy to. This line of questioning had Minghao sighing once again, he seemed to sigh a lot.

"It's a long story, but...she found a stray feeding. Soonhee thinks the stray is gonna come after y/n so she asked me to watch over her tonight while she tried to figure out a plan." Junhui's frown seemed to sink deeper the more Minghao spoke, brows furrowing in frustration. He leaned over the counter, closer to Minghao in an attempt not to be heard and he probably wouldn't have been had you not been sitting right next to Minghao.

"She’s supposed to be on house arrest! We can’t afford for her to start another fight with that wolf pack."

"I gave her permission." Was all Minghao said in response, as if it was just that simple. It was Junhui's turn to sigh now, retreating back behind the counter and running a hand through his sandy brown hair. He gave Minghao a look that said ‘we’ll talk about this later’ before his attention returned to you and he smiled once again, trying to be calm when you knew that he had seemed furious just moments ago.

"Sorry, I'm sure this has been a rough day for you," he began, and you were almost surprised at the soft look held deep within his eyes. He seemed so kind hearted, unlike the other Vampires you had met. Which isn't to say that Soonhee and Minghao were bad but they just seemed a little more...rough around the edges. "Order anything you like, Minghao i'll watch over her. Can you go clean up the storage room so she has a place to sleep? We can't send her home if a stray is hunting her."

Usually you would have immediately rejected the offer, not wanting to bother your hosts. This time was a different story, you certainly didn't feel safe returning home tonight. Your small apartment would do nothing to keep you safe from a Vampire if it decided to attack you.

You watched as a silent debate seemed to begin between the two males, before Minghao relented and stood from his stool. He placed his hand on your shoulder, causing you to flinch a bit in surprise.

"Just come back to the room if he gets to be too much." With that, he returned upstairs leaving you alone with this new man. You swallowed deeply, swirling the contents of your glass. As Junhui watched his friend leave, grumbling something under his breath about Minghao and Soonhee but you couldn't quite make anything out. With that, he turned back to you, that same friendly smile on his face.

"Let's try this again. It's nice to meet you y/n. I'm Junhui, most people just call me Jun."

***

Present day, May 4th, 2021

"Thanks for the water." You muttered, taking a sip of said liquid. You weren't quite sure how much time had passed since you had entered the room with Minghao. It had to have been at least an hour at this point if not longer.

Your eyes returned to Minghao as he lounged on the second couch in the room, his arm resting over his eyes as he did so. It reminded you of the way models would pose, and once again you found yourself staring at him without even realizing it.

"I would say take a picture, it'll last longer but that wouldn't really work in my case." He muttered, he almost sounded amused at you, as if he could feel your stares on his frame. Quickly you divert your attention to the water bottle in your hands, tugging at the label as you tried to distract yourself.

You were surprised that he had given you anything, Soonhee had said that he was strict about not handing out snacks or other things to the attendees but when he had noticed the sweat dripping down your face, he proved her wrong. This night hadn't truly changed your opinion on Minghao, he still seemed pretty standoffish and almost rude but despite that you could tell that he was in fact kind. He had layers, what was it that Shrek said? He was like an onion.

Shaking your head and swallowing your pride, you decided to speak up again. Despite how embarrassing the question was.

"Are all Vampires as pretty as the members of your Coven?"

This question had Minghao's arm off of his eyes as he rolled over to stare at you, dumbfounded at the question. It was silent for a moment before the male's loud laughter filled the room. You were surprised to say the least, you had never really seen the male with any sort of extreme emotion. Just stages of mild amusement or irritation, never full out laughing. You had to admit that it wasn't a terrible sight to see, he seemed almost relaxed as he laughed. Tears welling at his eyes as he did so. He quickly wiped his eyes and sat up, a grin lingered on his lips.

"No I've met some pretty ugly Vampires," he confessed. "Don't mention this to anyone, but once every few decades. The leaders of all the Covens in the country have to meet up for bullshit political reasons, and one year I had to stand in for Soonyoung. Let me tell you, the head of the Council is probably the ugliest man I've ever seen. Kind of an asshole as well, I'm not sure how Junhui kisses up to him like he does." He seemed so amused as he recalled the incident with the High Council, and was laughing all over again.

"Let's just say, i'm not allowed to stand in for Soonyoung again. He didn't like how...straight forward I was."

"What did you say to him??"

Minghao shrugged, leaning back on the couch once again. "Just called him an outdated asshole who needed better fashion sense. That old man is younger than Junhui but somehow makes himself seem centuries older just because of his fashion choices. Give me five minutes to fix his wardrobe and he'd be a whole new man."

This brought laughter to the two of you. It was nice, moments like this. Sure you joked around with your brother and your coworkers but you hadn't felt as at ease as you did right now. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that you were safe down here. Once you left this building, paranoia clung to you like a bad stench. It wasn't something you enjoyed living with.

After the laughter subsided, Minghao took his phone from the pocket of his pants to check the time. With a small sigh he stood, running his hand through his hair again, a habit you were slowly catching the more he did so.

"It's about 2 am, I should probably switch out with Junhui so that he can get his turn."

The mention of leaving had that ever present sense of fear returning to you, but you said nothing about it. Simply grabbed your purse from the floor and stood, keeping a tight grip on the strap of the bag.

Minghao led you out of the room and back up the flight of stairs to the room that you had left Soonhee in. Now she was alone in the room though and almost looked as if she were about to fall asleep. As he passed, Minghao smacked the back of her head lightly and ignored the loud yelp that left her lips as he did so.

"Get back here and fight me like you mean it." She groaned, rubbing the sleep out of her eyes. You were pretty surprised at how tired she seemed, from what you had been told and had observed on your own, this was the natural time for her to be awake. Yet here she was, barely able to keep her eyes open.

"Yeah sure, and then i'll have to deal with your dumb dog boyfriend being upset if I actually hurt you." He retorted, not turning back to look at her before he exited the room. Leaving Soonhee to curse irritation as he did so. You giggled a bit and gave her a small wave goodbye before you followed him through the door and back to the main bar area of the building. Figuring this was where you would part ways, you started to make a beeline for the door, only to have your wrist caught in his grasp as you tried to pass him and to be tugged back to his side.

"Junhui," he called. The male in question, turned his gaze away from his customer to face the end of the counter where Minghao was standing. "I'm taking this one home and I'll be back to cover for you in a bit."

He was what? He hadn't mentioned that to you before, but just as you were about to protest Junhui gave him a thumbs up. Then you were being dragged out of the bar by your wrist. You practically tripped over your own feet as you tried to keep up with him.

Once outside, he waved to Gahyeon as the two of you passed, paying no mind to the questioning look on her face. You shrugged when her gaze landed on you and then continued to follow after Minghao. He walked with confidence, as if he knew where he was going and you didn't stop him since thankfully he was headed in the right direction.

It was silent between the two of you again as you walked, passing by other bars and clubs on the streets. Because of your awareness of the supernatural now, you could tell that a few of the people waiting to be let into these different places...weren't exactly human. It made you wonder how much the other races out populated your own, and how humans weren't extinct yet. As the club district slowly faded into the background, you finally had the nerve to speak up.

"You didn't have to walk me home you know."

He shrugged, the moonlight shined down on him and made him almost seem like he was glowing. You found yourself thinking about how beautiful he was, definitely not a first for tonight. That was an embarrassing thought that you would have to come to terms with later.

"It's late, and you were practically trembling when I mentioned the time."

"I could have just been cold?"

"You weren't."

It was almost ridiculous how well he was able to read you, simply an open book in his hands. Trying to ignore the heat that had made its way to your cheeks, you grew silent once again. The only sounds that echoed through the night were that of your own footsteps and of the very few cars that passed down the street.

You reached an intersection and he went to continue straight, when you should be turning. Instead of simply speaking to him, you decided to give him a taste of his own medicine. Reaching out and grabbing his wrist you dragged him down the correct street. You couldn't help but grin as you heard the small surprised noise he made.

The rest of the walk continued in silence, and soon enough you found yourself in front of the door to your apartment. Taking out your keys you quickly unlocked the door before turning back to face him.

"I guess I'll see you tomorrow?" This caused him to raise a brow, curious at your word.

"Tomorrow?"

"I was planning on actually visiting the bar as a patron tomorrow. I've only been there for business so I wanted to actually go for fun." You explained, you were also wanting to see Soonhee again. You hadn't really sat down and spoke to her since January, so you wanted to make sure she was okay too. You were also curious about what Minghao had said to her in passing.

The man in question nodded, face blank in his natural expression. It was in that moment you wished you could read him like he could read you. You were curious what could possibly be going on in his mind right now, but alas you weren't like him. You were just an ordinary human.

After a moment, a small almost soft smile made its way to his face. "I guess I'll see you tomorrow then," With nothing more to say, he turned on his heel and began the walk back to the bar.

Turning the knob to enter your apartment you let out a breath that you hadn't realized you had been holding in. Leaning against the wall so you could take off your shoes without falling over, you then made your way towards the kitchen to grab a glass of water before you went to bed. You had an early shift again tomorrow so you needed to get to sleep soon or you'd have trouble waking up.

Grabbing your phone from your pocket as you took a drink from your glass, you checked the schedule to see who you would be working with tomorrow. It was a pretty small shop so it didn't have too many employees in the first place, but you had to admit you were pretty pleased to see that you worked with Hoseok again tomorrow. For a second you thought about inviting him to the bar with you, before you realized that you weren't sure if he was aware of the existence of the supernatural. It's not like you could just bring it up in conversation to ask either, since he would think you were crazy if he was unaware.

Finishing your water you set your glass down in the sink and made your way towards your bedroom, flipping the light switch on so you could see. Only now, you wished that you hadn't. The room was just as you left it for the most part, but one thing stood out. A framed photo of you with your family lay resting on your pillow, as if someone had moved it from it's position on your dresser and placed it there. Your heart practically stopped as you stared at the photo in terror.

How did it get there? There were no signs of forced entry in the house, and none of the windows had been left open. You grabbed the photo and quickly returned it to its position on your dresser before grabbing the baseball bat from under your bed that you kept around for self defense.

All you could hear was the pounding of your heart as you made your way through the small apartment, throwing open every door to see if the intruder was still in your home. Not even the shower was off limits during your search.

Finding the house to be empty of anyone besides yourself, you let out a breath of relief before collapsing on your couch in the living room. Anxiety filed your gut as you tried to think of what possible measures you could take tonight to protect yourself. You tried your best to quell the shaking in your hands, you couldn't panic right now or you definitely wouldn't feel safe enough to sleep. Standing once again, and taking the bat with you, you quickly got to work.

Grabbing your pillow and blanket from your bedroom, you threw them haphazardly onto your couch. You figured it would be safer to sleep in there considering there was only one window as opposed to the three in your bedroom. After that your attention turned to the coffee table, you threw all the magazines and basically anything that was on top of the table onto the floor. Proceeding to lift the table and carry it down the hallway so that you could prop it in front of your bedroom door knob, if that was the way the intruder entered then he would have to shove the table out of the way to get into the hallway and the sound would wake you up. It wasn't much but it was all you could do, having nothing that you could put on the window in the living room.

Taking your bat tightly in your grasp you lay down on the couch, to try and sleep for the night.

***

"Hao! You're so late!" Junhui complained as Minghao returned to the bar, his lower lip jutted out into a pout as he crossed his arms over his chest. The male in question shrugged, climbing over the counter to take Jun's place. He had expected Junhui to leave right away, but he didn't. A look of concern had replaced the childlike pout on his features.

"How did she do?"

"She was fine. We basically just stopped and went depending on how she felt." It wasn't all that big of a deal to Minghao, but he was curious as to Jun's interest. Knowing his friend's history, Junhui had sworn off getting close to humans, which was why it didn't surprise Minghao when Junhui got with a Winter Fae. It was simpler for him that way, less dangerous. Yet here he was, worrying about the well being of a human.

He watched as Jun sighed in relief, a smile on his face once again. Slapping Minghao's back and a quick word of thanks was all the younger Vampire was given before Jun hopped the counter and bolted down the hall so that he could feed. Minghao rolled his eyes and got to work, helping the few customers that were sober enough to still order drinks. The rest of the night went by pretty smoothly and eventually it was time to shut down.

As Minghao began kicking out a few drunks, recognizing two of them as members of the wolf pack that Wonwoo belonged to, he saw the patrols finally returning. He almost found himself pouting as he realized that he would have to listen to their reports since Junhui had apparently just ditched him for the rest of the night, which was kind of annoying but to be expected. Junhui always needed some time to himself after feeding, it was just how it went.

The reports from Yuna, Eunbi, and Hyunjin were pretty standard, Kevin's seemed to be a different story. He returned to the bar, blood dripping from a wound on his forehead and parts of his clothing were ripped, but he seemed pretty casual about it. Very Kevin-like attitude. Well if he wasn't worried about it then Minghao wouldn't worry either.

"So?" He questioned, watching as Kevin grabbed a clean rag from behind the counter to clean the blood with.

"Well, guess who's back." He groaned, wincing a bit as he dabbed at his open wound. Well that was annoying, but it made sense. If he was tracking y/n then of course he would come back when you returned to town. Now though, Minghao had to decide if he was going to tell you. You were already on edge enough as it was without him telling you that you were in danger once again, the only thing that he found odd was that from what you had told him...you hadn't been attacked while you were outside of the town. So why did he wait until you came back to start causing trouble again?

"He has friends this time. Remember that Coven of Strays he mentioned? Well they aren’t just stray Vampires, let me tell you. We had some Fae, we had some wolves. It sucked when they tried to jump me but I ran like hell to get away. No way am I taking on strays, wolves, and fae by myself. I ain't stupid." Minghao didn't think he would ever get used to Kevin's way of speaking, but at least it was funny most of the time. This time, not so much.

It had been one thing for a single stray to be in the town, but having 6 of them wandering around. Well that was a different story. He'd probably need to call Soonyoung and see if their leader could come back to help run recon, it would be much easier if he was actually around.

"Glad you made it back alive, have Yuna patch you up and then go and get some rest." Minghao was grateful that Kevin had fed before going out tonight or it probably would have been a bit herder for the male to get away.

At his elder's words, Kevin turned to head upstairs and Minghao got to work once more. After he was sure that there were no more patrons, he quickly locked up the building and began the irritatingly long process of cleaning up for the night. As he did, he pulled his phone out and used his speed dial to call Soonyoung. The line rang for quite a while and Minghao was almost certain that the man wasn't going to pick up, which would have made his job a lot more annoying. To his surprise though, he was greeted with the familiar loud voice of one Kwon Soonyoung.

"Hao! You never call me!" He exclaimed, and Minghao could practically see the bright grin that his elder would be wearing. It exhausted him just to think about how much energy his Venture had. "Usually I only hear from Jun!"

"You’d hear from me more if you were ever around, but that’s not why I’m calling. I've got some news," he began, as he spoke he pulled the broom out of the storage closet and began sweeping slowly. He wouldn't be able to seriously start cleaning until he was off the phone but he needed to at least start it. "We have a situation and we might need you back from....wherever the hell you are."

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icharchivist · 3 years

Note

Thank you for answering the previous asks and hope you're prepared!

How much, out of ten, are you of each winter troupe member?

Have a good day :3c

ahah thank you for doing that all the way!

and oh boy i thought i was prepared but turns out-

okay notewise.:

Tsumugi: 7/10, Tasuku: 3/10, Homare: 4/10 Hisoka: 9.5/10, Azuma: 10/10, Guy: 6/10

(if you're supprised Azuma is actually my ultimate kin and it's not Hisoka: congratz i fooled all of u. the only reason i don't have an Azuma icon is that i genuinely think he looks too sexy in some arts and it doesn't feel Me despite everything else. The more u know.)

And. i need to warn that i went much more into personal details for Hisoka and Azuma under the cut to the point where it may be overwhelming. And that Azuma's entry alone is 2.1k words long. What the fuck me.

Relating to team "we have so much trauma" is going to be so much fun.

coughs, anyway take care :3c

(Links: Spring, Summer, Autumn , Winter ranking)

Winter my beloved, this is going to be a normal, non emotional ranking at all.

Tsumugi: 7/10 I relate to his lack of confidence, and the way he gave up on everything he loved when his spirit was crushed (re what I was talking about with my Kumon rant). On my down time I did study a bit of psychology and though I wouldn’t put myself at the same level as a psy student I’m often told I read people mostly in an accurate way so I can relate to that. I can use my powers for Evil like nudging people in some direction or knowing where to attack, but I am super aware of that and I’ve been extra conscious about not having it happen again for over ten years now DLKFJDLF (Azuma is kinda like that too). But yeah the fact he is like that too makes it relatable.

I also think that the whole “feeling you fucked up and took all the responsibility when a friendship broke apart” is also something very relatable. So is “ghosting your friends after that”. I relate to the fact he’s a nerd too. I relate to him more than not but I guess I just removed points because of how while I relate to specificities the whole thing doesn’t connect as much as it could?

Tasuku: 3/10 he’s probably the one I relate the least to. I honestly didn’t understand Tasuku much until Nocturnality on my first read, and it’s only then that things clicked. Legit I saw him the way Azuma saw him dLKFJDKFJDF. But I do feel it relatable that he feels responsible for failing his friend and that he took it upon himself to try to read more into how people are behaving to try to prevent it from happening again. But else he’s. genuinely not like me KDJFKLDFJDFL

Homare: 4/10 mhmm. I think I relate to the way he is passionate and how much he genuinely loves. I also relate to the fact he is pretty analytic, though the details of what makes his struggles are not something I relate to easily. I have felt broken before, I was told i was broken or unfit in some ways, so this particular pain is something I completely understand. I also did use to be an artist and a writer so I can relate to that passion of his, although as I mentioned in others ranking *shrugs*. That said he’s very much more exuberant and confident than I am and I would assume I know how to deal with people emotionally a bit more.

Hisoka: 9.5/10 oh boy where to start. This is going to be a tough one to get into without getting extremely personal. To start with, I’m a sleepy baby. I sleep a lot DLKJFDF though not much at night. I used to fall asleep in class all the time my friends had to always be on the watch out for me. I don’t have much energies. I love plushy and I love being comfortable in some places. I also really love sweets tho not as much as him. I also do care ways too much for my specific plushies and pillows (I do have huge penguins plushies too).

I, too, have memories issues, though of course to a lesser extend. I have a lot of trauma and for a lot of them I ended up getting fuzzy memories. I used to be in a pretty toxic environment where I constantly had to make use of my memory to survive, and so when my memory started failing me, I was terrified. My parents gaslight me all the time and pretends a lot of things that happened didn’t happen and that I’m crazy for believing it happened, so the moment my memory started to fail me I started to panic a lot. It terrified me to not being completely sure whenever I could trust myself or not. It made me feel extremely unreliable. It’s still something I struggle with a lot.

This would have been my answer pre-awakening moon at least. I always related to him to some degree so Awakening moon was a slap in the face in a way I wasn’t ready to deal with, and this is where I have to be uncomfortably personal.

I am the youngest sibling of 3. My eldest sister ran away from home when I was 6, never to be seen again. My other sister resented me because I used to be very close to the eldest and she was jealous about it, and while the reasons were linked to our parents, who were extremely toxic to us and kept us into this toxic environment for years on end, my sister took all her anger out on me. While we’ve discussed it as adults now, our relationships is too strained to fix it nowadays.

It took me a long while – it took me Azuma’s arc actually – to realize that the way I feel for my eldest sister is more akin to grief than to abandon. I don’t even remember her. I don’t remember her and still apparently the way I was close to her was the reason my sibling hold it against me. I couldn’t even remember *why* my sister was mad at me because I don’t even remember being close to my sister that much. All I know is that she left because the situation at home was too toxic. It was.. so messy.

I have. Much more trauma linked to that specifically but that’s the root of something that hit me in the face with Hisoka’s arc. Because I can’t remember a person that disappeared from my life, and yet it was enough for it to break and shape everything I’ve lived through since. I couldn’t even start to talk about how it still impacts me now 20 years later. I’m just now making peace with the fact this was grief. This is the gist of the reason Hisoka’s arc hit me as hard as it did (and the fact that Chikage is actively undoing all the bad things his own grief pushed him to do on Hisoka is the reason Chikage is so compelling to me. My sister could never lol.).

I felt also that I had to take all the responsibilities for what happened. I felt like I could make things easier for the family after this trauma, at the rip age of 7, and no one stopped to think maybe a child shouldn’t have to be dealing with a collective family trauma like this. But well. Here we are.

I relate to the fact Hisoka also struggles to accept everything that happened. And that now he’s trying to make things better for others people he can relate to. It’s so… complicated.

Also I can’t forget the fact Hisoka tried to kill himself and :/ as someone who has had a lot of suicidal idealization in my life this really hit a lot harder than it should have.

In general I would just say that socially I’m not really like him except with people I’m comfortable with teasing. Hisoka can be a little too rude and it’s where I can’t relate lol. But otherwise man I care him so much I feel so seen. I’m just removing 0.5 points for that and I don’t give him full mark because of what I’ll explain next.

Azuma: 10/10 This one is going to be a trip. It’s about twice the length of the Hisoka’s rant. Mister took me by the throat too. As I think it’s clear now I cannot relate to the fact he genuinely loved his family and how much his family cared for him. Yet I relate… to about everything else.

On the surface I do think I seem more approachable and easy to talk with. I try to be the kindest person I can be, to not be judgmental. I’m conflict avoidant, just like he can be, and if I’m annoyed with someone I’m muuuuch more likely to use passive aggressiveness like he does with Tasuku when he’s pissed at him. (sidenote: I do find it funny that Tasuku was the only character I really felt I didn’t get until Nocturnality, while Azuma was having the exact same problem, and then he became one of my fav the moment it clicked. Azuma is my braincell.)

More often than not, there’s a smile on my face and I try to be soft in the way I can be. I’m generally pretty calm, I’ve been told I was soothing, or give good hugs, this sort of stuff.

Now onto the heavy stuff.

I have a lot of nightmares and night terrors linked to a lot of my traumas. I’m honestly scared sometimes to go to sleep ^^”. But in general, if Hisoka reflects a lot of a personal trauma and how it would personally affect me, Azuma reflects a lot on how I would behave with others people in general and especially when I’m unwell. I’ve coped most of my life with, everything that happened to me, by just. Trying to keep people at armlength. I don’t want to let people close to me, especially irl. Discussing all of that online gives me a distance that allows me to discuss it but, I remember in high school I was going through very bad things, and a few years later I was hanging out with a friend and I happened to open up about those things. And she was going livid because, she had known me for what, 6 years at that point? And she never knew any of this. We talked a lot then, we were close, but she never knew all those things about me until years later. It kinda scared her because to her I was always a sweet and cheerful person and she never expected that I was doing this badly. I remember then she brought up something we discussed back in a party with many of our others friends from high school and similarly they were all. “how did we never know any of this.”. Seeing Azuma in Nocturnality kinda brought me back to that convo tbh LKDJFLKDFJFD.

But I’m good at pretending I’m closer to people than they think. I’m an excellent listener. A lot of my friends tended to rely on me as the person they could talk about their problems to. I used to do it much more back then but I also used to pour a lot of energy trying to make it easier for people, solving their problems. Full on Therapist Friend:tm:. It does help that, as I said with Tsumu, I have basis in psychology so sometimes some observations I can make help much more than expected. Just like Azu tbh lol.

Oh also I am cuddly with my friends in general. I’m super touch starved but also to the point I feel uncomfortable to seek hugs because I just don’t get any on a normal basis and my body isn’t used, but I’m super cuddly and when I’m with my closest friends I’m like a koala.

And it gives people the impression to people that I’m very close to them because I know them well, and I know the ins and outs of why they behave the way they do. But. I kinda feel like it’s one sided more than not. And it’s all because of me, because I keep my walls up very high and it means people don’t generally expect that I’m hiding things.

I’m good at distracting too. I don’t relate to how flirty Azuma is but I keep seeing it as him distracting others. It’s flattering, and just embarrassing enough that the person ends up dropping whatever they may be pressing on Azuma to talk about. And, while not with flirting, I do that a lot, especially using compliments like that. (That said my kindness or teasing has been misinterpreted as flirting before DLKFJDLKF I’m trying to be extra conscious about not having that misunderstanding happen nowadays but man it happened a lot).

Azuma knows a lot of people, and has been supporting a lot of people, but he doesn’t let people in as much.

And a lot of it is linked to his own sense of grief. Of the fact he has lost so much he can’t afford to go through the pain of losing something again, so he distances himself from it before it can hurt. And I do that a lot.

I mentioned in the previous rant but it’s seeing Azuma’s arc that made me understand how much it’s more grief than abandon that makes it so hard for me to move on. And a part of me kinda just. Grieves the family I could never have, the normal life I wish I could have lived and clang too all of my life. When Azuma told Guy “I was always so lonely. Everyone had families they could take for granted but I had no one.” Oh my god it destroyed me. And how he mentions just afterward that while he has new people to rely on, it couldn’t change the fact he was still feeling this pain of losing his family and it just. Man. Might be crying right now.

It’s like… I think the reason I especially related to that is that, in therapy I’ve often discussed my problems in the lenses of neglect and abandon but the problem with that lenses is that, at least with the therapists I had, they tend to focus on the fact that therefore I /must/ be still yearning for them to change and turn around, like I could change something. But I don’t. I was resigned at some point. And it’s really only when I read that that I felt this exact resignation I have been feeling all that time. I think I mentioned once how reading a3 felt like going one step toward recovery I didn’t know I could get and this was exactly the scene I meant. It legit took a weight off my heart that i've been carrying for decades. It was the strangest feeling in the world.

Anyway more in general too, on top of keeping people at distance, I am also a pro at “suddenly disappearing/ghosting when I get too close and/or have a relapse”. When Azuma starts to pull his relapses like we see in Nocturnality, I see myself. Legit had a friend who read a3 who called me out about that DLKJFDKLFJ. Acting weird like this, closing yourself in like this, coming back to some harmful coping mechanism as a way to connect back with your own self, those are all things I do. And it sucks. Like. The things I put my friends though sucks. But I really can’t help it sometimes.

I’m good at listening and observing, I’m generally good at picking up why people act a certain way, but I’m still very distant. I do everything I can to pretend I’m not distant and generally it fakes an idea of intimacy that I don’t specifically see as such.

And I see all of that in Azuma in ways that are terrifyingly relatable. Another thing Azuma says in this convo with Guy, about how “Everytime I would go to sleep, I would wish the morning would never come” me. Mood. Holy shit. Feel seen. I hate it. Just in general though the way he talks about morning as this terrifying thing is me. Between the night terrors and the fact morning genuinely makes me feel horrible, that’s kinda why I end up oversleeping until the afternoon DLKFJDF Azuma my lord I feel you.

Because of my nightly panic attacks I do try to come up with ways around it mainly by drinking some relaxing tisanes and stuff. Oh and I did have a huge period in life where I HATED being in the sun, and I fucked over all of my melanin because of that. as a kid I would tan very easily, but now the sun hates me as much as I used to hate it. So when Azuma is a drama queen about not wanting to stay in the UV too much I’m just like. How dare you pull out a mirror on me I didn’t ask for this. (also I have been called a vampire by people esp when I was a teen but that’s just how people called edgelords like me. Still. Reo my beloved.)

There is honestly so many little things with Azuma that reminds me of myself like this that it makes me go nuts. If Hisoka is who I relate to in term of specific trauma and how I cope personally, Azuma is more like, the direct physical impact of my trauma on me and the way it makes me relate to others people, as well as just every little behaviors here and there that are just so specific.

One of the only thing I really don’t relate to Azuma about is his love for Alcohol but I think if you replace it with like, my addiction to juice it works out the same.

Oh and, that’s a stupid but funny thing to me, I project hard on how much the reason he keeps his hair long is a form of mental stability for him, because I legit keep my hair long for my own mental stability. I have tied ways too much of my recovery process to my hair that when I see Azuma coping with grief with his hairstyle and how almost cutting it would be him spiraling down, I felt seen.

also i have 0 stamina just like him.

ANOTHER THING is also the fact Azuma is genuinely yearning for connections with people but he spent so much of his life keeping people away that as much as he’s yearning for it, it takes him so long to be able to lower those walls because he’s been so used to keep people away that he can’t reply to this yearning. And the way how, once he actually ends up feeling this bit of vulnerability toward people, he would suddenly shut in like it suddenly scares him? Mood.

One last thing (i promise) (i think) is that, if it wasn't obvious from all my ranting.... So much of myself and the way i view myself is defined by my trauma. I struggle to exactly come to term with my identity in any shape or form that isn't deeply related to my trauma. Even if you asked me what my sexuality is (please don't), my actual answer would be completely shaped by the fact i have so much trauma linked to sexuality, romance and gender, that i don't want to process it at all and can't actually manage to "fit the boxes" because i cannot see myself as something else than my trauma, or explain my feelings without linking it to my trauma. Honestly at times i find it kinda cringeworthy from me because i really, really can't tell about anything about my identity without thinking of my various traumas (i talked about a few of them in those rankings but it's not even the tip of the iceberg for a lot of stuff.) And when i see the way Azuma is in particular, maybe i'm projecting, but i feel like a lot of it is the same. Like not processing his age because if he does it reminds him of how he outlived those he loved (which is an headcanon but com'on.) or how even his hair is linked to his trauma. Or how he doesn't drive because it's linked to his trauma. I feel SO seen.

If it wasn’t for the fact he genuinely loved and was loved by his family, I would have felt exactly the same about everything regarding him.

But I still give him a full mark because the way Azuma’s arc has affected me is beyond any possible words I could use. And also because I legit wrote above 2100 words just on how much I related to Azuma ALONE. Even Hisoka took me 800 WORDS. HELLO. Guy: 6/10 Back to general coping here, Guy isn’t exactly relatable to me except in well. For exemple the ways the others relate to him, especially Hisoka and Azuma. So his memory loss to cope with intense family trauma is relatable to me, the way he can have nightmares and night terrors is also hella relatable to me.

But something that’s more Guy that I relate to is the whole “Step dad kept talking down on him and verbally abusing him until Guy basically completely closed himself in” because man. I won’t elaborate but I’ve really felt from reading that verbal abuse the same way I felt thinking back to how my ex-step dad used to talk to me. It made me so angry on his behalf. And the way he internalized it to cope was something deeply relatable.

Another thing with Guy is the fact that Guy did genuinely believes himself inhuman and tbh there was a time when I was very young where I would catch myself unable to feel a bit of humanity mostly from how I kept shutting myself in. (The reason I don’t relate to it with Homare is that this “inhumanity” was never actually there even if Homare did believe in it. But for Guy he went the extra mile convincing himself to the point where he denied this humanity as far as possible in a self destructive way and :/).

SO YEAH Winter is like. Therapy for me. The problem with “Trauma: The Troupe” is that saying “I relate to the Winter troupe” means “I may have problems and so what.” And it sucks.

if you read that wordvomit, congratulation, was it worth it?

Take care!

#closes eyes and pretends i didn't just type all of that for azuma ANYWAY #bows down thank you for indulging in my fav passion of 'therapy via a3' the more we go #ichafantalks a3 #pandapillow #ichareply #also man Risky Game is going to absolutly murder me isn't it.

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surveys-at-your-service · 3 years

Text

Survey #376

“when the wind bends the branch to softly touch me / when the band plays your song / i feel strong enough to keep dreaming”

If your s/o smoked pot/did drugs would you care? Yes, but for pot that's only because it's illegal here. I also find smoking to be a turn-off, but I'd be able to look past that if it was for actual health reasons. Do people ever call you by your last name? No. Has the last person you dated/fell in love with ever seen you cry? Yes. Where are you going on your next vacation (or where do you WANT to go)? I've got none planned, nor do I know where I'd want to prioritize. Like there's South Africa, but I first need to get healthier before I could handle the heat and trudging through sand. I want to go to Yellowstone National Park to spread Teddy's ashes there (seeking permission of course), but again, I need to be in better shape before I go on a venture of photographing there, as well. I need to be healthier to do a lot of the things I want to... Do you own anything bought in another country? No. Who do you text the most? Sara. Four things you wish you had? Better health (including mental), financial stability, a job, and motivation to indulge more in my artistic hobbies. What was the last thing you cried about? Stress regarding this dog we're stuck with. What is your favorite Elvis song? Probably "You're The Devil In Disguise." Do you think you could be the next American Idol? Ha, absolutely not. Do you prefer reading fiction or non-fiction? Fiction, by a long shot. Does anybody send you money in the mail for your birthday? No. My grampa used to, but he's been dead a couple years. Who is one person you met and automatically didn’t like? I was not a fan of a doctor I once saw for my tremors. She was very rude and just threw the idea of me having Parkinson's or something at what, 17 years old or whatever? My psychiatrist knows her as well and knows she's a whackjob. Heard her name and was essentially like "ew" lmao. What monster would you be most afraid to have in your closet? A male one with a knife, I guess. I really hate knives. And men scare me anyway. Which Adam Sandler movie do you like the most? I don't know, he's in too many to possibly think of one right off the top of my head. Who was one of your first celebrity crushes? Jesse McCartney was my first true love, haha. Have you ever been hit on through text messages? Yes. Do you have to do any yard work? No. Have you ever mowed the lawn? No. Do you get an allowance? No. Did you ever know your great grandparents? I think I knew one? There was this woman from my childhood I knew as "GG" for "great grandma," but I have no recollection of who she was related to or even if she was directly related to me. I remember that I really really liked her, though. Do you like the taste of Tums? It's the texture I really don't like. The candy-like Tums though, y'know, not the chalky ones, I like more than someone should like medicine, haha. How about Pepto Bismol? Omfg no. Do you have a fast or slow metabolism? I have a slow metabolism, but thank Christ it's not as bad as when I was on Abilify. That stupid fucking medicine was the reason I gained so much weight that I haven't been able to lose. What’s your favorite onomatopoeia? (Crash, bang, zoom, meow) I dunno. Do you eat ramen? There's only one specific kind of ramen I've had that I like: Yakisoba's spicy chicken one. Sweet or regular pickles? Regular. I don't like sweet pickles. What kind of dreams do you have most often? Since my nightmares started, violent ones. I'm usually trying to defend myself or lashing out at someone myself. What do you do for personal growth? I try to be a deep thinker, for one. This can way too easily lead to overthinking, but I appreciate that I think it at least helps me learn from my mistakes and work towards making me a better person. I need to start challenging my anxiety more, as that would definitely be massive growth... If you could read anyone’s mind, who would be the first person you’d read? Jason's, only because all I want to know is if he thinks I was emotionally abusive after the breakup or not. But I also don't want to know. Do you have a makeup item or style trick that you feel improves your look significantly and that you feel like you couldn’t go without now that you have it? No. What’s your favourite cereal? Probably Cinnamon Toast Crunch, but I like a lot of cereals. Do you prefer red wine or white wine? I don't like wine. Way too bitter. Do you read Reddit? If so, how often and what subreddits do you like? I don't, but I've thought about lurking on a reptile husbandry one or something like that. Might learn some stuff. But at the same time, there are so many conflicting and very strong opinions amongst hobbyists to the point of awful toxicity that I'd rather not read. Have you recently broken up with a significant other or even just a friend? No. Have you ever eaten at a restaurant and left without paying? God no. When was the last time you played a board game? What did you play? Probably Scrabble back when Sara visited. Do you primarily use cash or card for your purchases? Why? Cash, because I don't have a debit or credit card. Do you believe sex should be mandatory in an ongoing dating relationship? Um, no? Some people don't care for it, and that's completely fine. Have you ever recorded yourself doing a cover of a song? No. Any secrets you’d never tell anyone? No matter how close they are to you? Yes. Do you like deviled eggs? NO. FUCK that yolk shit. What career are you most interested in? I still think my first career goal, a paleontologist, would be most interesting and exciting. Like just IMAGINE discovering a new dinosaur. And it's such a job of passion - you have to be so, SO careful and invest so much time in slowly recovering it from millions of years of rock and sand and time. I can only imagine the feeling of accomplishment when an excavation is complete. Have you ever seen a rooster? Yeah? What do you think about religion? Honestly, I personally wish it had never been a thing. It's brought with it so much hatred and bigotry, but I do acknowledge at the same time it's brought great comfort and hope to some people, and that's wonderful. But just all things considered, I feel it's done more harm than good. What’s your favorite sweetheart name (baby, honey, angel, dumpling) Probably "lovely." Has a little kid ever fallen asleep on your lap before? Yes, back when I babysat my neighbor's kid once. Have you ever thrown a grenade? Yikes, no. Have you ever talked face to face with someone famous before? No. Have you ever owned a rocking horse? I don't think so? If you could meet anyone in the world who would it be? HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM Have you ever wished you were dead? Yes. Is it awkward when people start talking all deep around you? No, I actually like deep convos. Have you ever played the old school Pac Man arcade game? Possibly? Ever played Mario Karts on Nintendo 64? No. Have you ever been scuba diving? No. Can you surf/boogie board? No. Do you like Chinese food, Mexican food, or American food better? American. What’s your favorite thing to order from Taco Bell? Cheese quesadilla and fiesta potatos. Sometimes I get the cinnabon delight thingies, but I avoid 'em with how unhealthy they are. Do you like hot, cold, or lukewarm showers? Pretty hot. Do you like to swing? I LOVED swinging as a kid. I haven't done it in a very long time now. How about jumping on a trampoline? I loved that as a kiddo, too. I haven't done that in years. What are you favorite color eyes? Sapphire blue or like an emerald green. Do you have long arm hair? Nah, at least I don't think so. What third generation console is your favorite? PS3, Xbox 360, or Wii? I loved my PS3. I'm still so bummed mine broke. How often do you like to have sex? I'm not sexually active, but even when I was, I didn't care. Do you have a facial expression you seem to pull a lot? What is it? Not really. I think I look stoic most of the time. Do you always listen to music when you’re online? No; I usually have a let's play or something like that on that I can split my screen and watch while doing something else. If so, what are you currently listening to? I'm listening to "Love Goes On And On" by Lindsey Stirling and Amy Lee right now. Do you ever forget how to do really simple things? Like what? Yes, like how to control the laundry machine and other things like that. There's just so many options that I never, ever remember what to set it to, no matter how many times Mom shows me. That's how my memory is with most things these days, really... Were you born with naturally straight teeth? No; I needed braces. If you were the opposite gender, what name would you like to be called? Uhhh maybe Severin. Do you prefer original or sour Skittles? I love both, but sour wins. What about chocolate or peanut M&M’s? I also enjoy both, but the original are better. Your favourite band: Do you prefer their old or new stuff? That's like... impossible to answer, lol. I just love everything. Do you check to make sure your ear phones are going in the right ear? No. Do you secretly still listen to Ace of Base? I have no idea who that is. Have you ever broken someone else’s bone? No, thank goodness. I'd feel awful. Is it stupid to think you can write a book at thirteen? No?????????? There are incredibly talented writers out there at young ages. Hell, I remember as a kid, I wanted to be the youngest published author way before that age. Are you ever embarrassed about what you dream about? There've been some I wouldn't share. Have you ever had sex with someone as a favor? No, and I never would. Does your mom let you date? I'm 25, my dude. She let me when I felt ready, though. If you had the last person you kissed’s Facebook password, would you go snooping through their stuff? Why or why not? She doesn't have one, but hypothetically, fuck no. Because that's none of my damn business, and it still wouldn't be even if we were still dating. Have you ever fainted? If so, when was the last time? If not have you ever come close? I've fainted once when I was a teen and have come close many other times. Ever take a keyboarding class? Do you type using the skills you learned in class, or how you used to before you took the class? Yeah; it was mandatory for I think one year in middle school. I type how I was taught in there. Do you find your best friend’s significant other/crush attractive? She doesn't have an s/o, and idk who her "real" crush is, as much as she'd love Frieza to be real, haha. What do you do with your clothes that don’t fit anymore or just don’t want? Donate them. Do you cut out coupons? My mom will keep some fast food ones she gets in the mail sometimes. Did you ever breathe in helium and talk funny afterwards? I think I did once at a birthday party, but I'm unsure. Would you ever open your own business? If so, what kind of business could you imagine yourself having? I want to be a freelance photographer so, so badly. I want to specialize in nature and wildlife, but having a boudoir studio would be great to help keep me afloat, plus I adore the art of boudoir. I've shot it once for an old friend, and by god, I loved how empowered it made her feel, especially as a plus-sized woman. She adored the pictures, and I'd just love to help other clients feel like they're gorgeous in their unique body, too. Last type of candy you ate? I had a donut from Starbuck's yesterday. Did you decorate your house for Halloween? If so, how many decorations? Did you go all out, or just put up a few things? Mom and I don't really decorate anymore. :/

#survey #surveys #questions #lyrics: ''love goes on and on (feat. amy lee)'' by lindsey stirling

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iggyalfi2319 · 4 years

Text

Hoodie and rag doll

Warning: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, mention of self-harm, mention of dead characters, mention of dysphoria and misuse of pronouns. Small deaging.

If I forget to mention anything else that makes you uncomfortable, please tell me.

Janus waited for the others to leave.

Again, they hadn't been invited for the video.

At this point they were getting used to it, so that wasn't the main reason of why they were holding back their tears and trying very hard to quiet their sobs.

Hearing the others trash talking about them didn't trigger it either but it made it worse.

How the Hell Remus took all the insults and simply brush them off when he first time showed up?

"Take it easy guys, girls and non-binary pals. PEACE OUT!"

Thomas's catchphrase pulled Janus out of their thoughts.

"Another video who went wonderfully well!" Roman said proudly. "And no one to bother us!"

At that Virgil snorted in satisfaction while Patton nodded happily.

Logan remained stoic as usual, but Janus picked up the slight frown on his face.

The snake Side quickly ducked in the corner when the bespectacled man looked in their direction.

*oh no... He saw me....he saw me... He-*

"Now this is over, I suggest we go ingest necessary nutrients." Logan said, adjusting his glasses.

"Let's make a famILY lunch together!" Patton said happily.

Everyone went to the kitchen.

Janus sighed in relief.

When Logan came out.

Again the deceitful Side stiffened.

The Logic Side placed a plate with a couple of apples on the coffee table before leaving again.

Janus blinked.

Apple was their favorite treat, but why Logan would -

The kitchen's door locked with an audible click.

"..."

Janus came out of their hiding spot and went to the plate of apples.

Pink ladies, Golden, Granny Smith...

They smiled softly and picked up the plate, before going to the sunny spot offered by the big window.

They quietly sat down on the floor, enjoying the sunlight, thinking about what happened earlier.

Despite Remus's pleas to stop, Janus went into Virgil's old room. Again.

They put on his old hoodie, feeling the weight of nostalgia and regret crushing them even more everytime they did.

They lingered in the room, the heavy afterglow of Anxiety still affecting them.

"Please, Janus. Stop punishing yourself like that. It won't make him come back and you know that more than anyone else." Remus sighed. "He made his choice. This isn't your fault in any way."

Janus hissed at him, curling up inside the hoodie.

Whoever Virgil liked it or not, he and Janus were sharing similarities.

That included the hissing, stubbornness and short temper, despite Janus denying it.

"Leave me alone..." The snake Side muttered, not bothering to lie.

"You're only hurting yourself... I'm really worried about you..." Remus said with genuine concern.

"I miss the old times..." Janus hugged themself

"So do I." The Duke rubbed their back. "But you need to move on..."

Janus curled more, the hoodie practically swallowing them.

After a few minutes,

"I need some sun..." They mumbled.

"indeed you do." Remus stood up. "But you know how it will end up if the others catch you, especially Virgil..."

Janus sulked.

Remus sighed.

"I... I have something for you..."

Heterochromatic eyes looked at him.

Before widening at the sight of said "thing".

"you..." Janus' breath itched. "You had it all this time..."

"well, it was very hard to find substitute for the missing pieces..." Remus looked away for a second before handing it with a sad smile. "I fixed it the best I could."

The snake Side snatched it and hugged it tightly, their body shaken by their loud sobs.

"I miss him! I miss them! I miss everyone!"

"I know you do, Jay-Jay." Remus hugged them. "I know..."

He let them cry for a while.

Before gently pulling away.

"geez, thanks to you I'm all snotty covered. Mind doing the same on my back?"

Janus hissed at him, really embarrassed.

Remus wiped their face with his sleeve.

"Careful, you don't wanna stain his hoodie, do you?"

"thanks..." Janus hiccuped softly.

"Don't mention it." Remus grinned.

He looked at the clock.

"now now, it's almost lunch. Maybe you'll have a few minutes of sunlight if you're careful."

Janus nodded before hastily leaving.

*a lot happened since you left, Emo...* Remus thought sadly. *And some things remain unchanged...*

Janus finished the last apple from the plate, before yawning.

When was the last time they did that?

That silly habit of always eating an apple before napping.

The others used to tease them about it.

N-apple-ing Remus dubbed it.

The sunlight was nice.

And the hoodie so warm.

A small nap wouldn't hurt... Right?

Janus lied on the floor and curled up, making themself smaller than they already were.

Soon lunch time was over.

"thanks for the meal, Padre!" Roman exclaimed. "Now, who's up for a Disney marathon?"

With the lack of negative answers, he headed to the living room, followed by the others.

Then, Virgil stopped short.

Roman looked in the same direction.

"isn't that your old hoodie?" Patton said, after looking too.

"I was sure I got rid of it..." Virgil growled.

Roman slowly approached it, about to unsheathe his sword.

Before he could make his next move, octopus tentacles suddenly wrapped around him and his mouth, as well as around Virgil and Patton.

Logan remained unphased, as if he knew it would happen.

"I'm sorry but I cannot let you disturb Jay Jay." Remus said, lifting up the struggling Sides as he snatched his brother's sword.

Logan approached the "hoodie".

"May I?" He asked the Duke.

"as long as you don't wake them up." Remus said. "Thanks for the apples by the way. Looks like Janus appreciated them."

Patton shot a look of betrayal at Logan while Roman and Virgil glared at him.

Said logic Side ignored them and picked up the plate.

He pulled out a tissue and gently wiped Janus' mouth.

"They'll never change." Remus said nostalgically yet with his usual IDGAF tone.

"how did you called that again?" Logan asked.

"Apple napping. N-apple-ing." The green Side grinned.

The other three stopped struggling at that. Especially Virgil.

Wearing his hoodie? Eating apples before a nap?

Wait...

If Janus is sound asleep right now, that would mean...

"Yes, they still have "it"." Remus said, uncharacteristically sad.

He slowly put them down.

"you wake them, I'll kill you." He warned.

He let them go before going to Logan.

"I don't see anything new." The logic Side said, checking Janus' arms and extra arms, who were hugging themself.

Roman, Virgil and Patton were confused.

"well, for one, they wear their gloves all the time after I threatened to tape them permanently, and for two, they will do nothing while wearing the Emo's hoodie." Remus said.

"why is that?" Logan asked. "I thought it was hurting them more than anything else?"

"mentally and emotionally, it's wearing them out." Remus sighed. "But that's the only way to keep them from clawing themselves. Because they didn't want to stain it with blood and washing it would meant washing Virge's smell away."

Virgil had a double take.

Not only he just learned that Janus self harmed, but they were also holding onto his... Smell?

He looked at the sleeping Side.

They looked so sad and yet so peaceful.

He shook his head, blocking the flow of memories.

"What is that thing?" Roman asked, pointing at the said thing that Janus had been hugging tightly.

"isn't he so cute all sleepy like that?" Patton cooed.

"Shhhh!" Remus shushed. "And it's they/them!"

"Thomas use he/him as well as everyone one else here, so I don't see why it would be different for him." Virgil huffed, pointing at Janus.

Remus gritted his teeth, seething.

The reason behind Janus' self harm wasn't only blaming themself for making Virgil leave.

They actually hated themself.

Their appearance, their gender, who they were.

They didn't know who they are supposed to be.

They wanted to help Thomas but being labelled as the bad guy made them feel really conflicted.

Remus immediately supported them when they said they were looking for the person they would like to be and use they/them in the meantime.

Logan pretty much respected their choice.

He had quickly learned to tolerate Janus as a fellow Side.

That Light and Dark labelling was irrelevant as they were all part of Thomas. And so, Logan should care about their well-being as much as the others.

Sadly, when it came to the others, it was easier said than done. Roman's sorting out everything in "Good" or "Evil". Patton wasn't really different. And Virgil being extremely vigilant of not too much.

The arguing went on.

When everyone covered their mouths.

Janus slowly sat up, rubbing their eyes with a sleeve too big for them.

Patton wanted to gush at how adorable they looked, Roman and Virgil trying to resist, the later wondering if his old hoodie was that oversized or if Janus...had shrank down...

"Wemus, I'm sweepy..." They whined softly, hugging the "thing".

"is that...a rag doll?" Patton asked, once the silent spell was gone.

"not any rag doll..." Virgil muttered. "It's Chimera..."

"Chimera ?" Roman and Patton asked.

Janus hugged it more tightly, as they kept looking smaller...and younger.

"I do believe that doll is a collection of pieces of fabric from every Sides?" Logan theorized.

"Ding ding!" Remus said. "Even though some pieces aren't the original anymore. I had to find substitute to fix the missing pieces."

Virgil froze at that.

Missing pieces? Janus was too careful to damage Chimera, and there was no way Remus would rough play with it. Meaning...

"a lot happened since you left."

They were all shocked to see Janus, looking like around 10-12 yo. Minus Remus.

"Jay Jay, you did it again. I think you should stop wearing the hoodie..."

"no!" Janus pouted.

"what happened to the others?..." Virge dared to ask.

The snake Side held up the doll.

With a swift move, it had vanished to thin air.

"Just like that. The ones after the others." Janus said monotonously.

they slowly stood up.

"I suppose you want your hoodie back?" They asked, while shifting back to normal.

Virgil didn't answer.

"hum... Janus ?" Patton asked slowly. "What's up with the ... age thing?"

They really didn't want to tell him but it was better to rip off the band-aid anyway.

"happens when I reminisce about the good times." Janus hissed. "I guess I really haven't moved on..."

They sank down.

"So much for a sun nap." Remus shook his head.

"keep me informed of their situation." Logan ordered.

"Will do, nerdy wolverine." Remus rolled his eyes and sank down.

"what the hell was all of this..." Roman groaned

"oh, I forgot!" Remus popped back, making the others jump out of their skins (a little jolt from Logan)

"what is it this time?" Roman sighed sharply.

"you'll thank me later ~" Remus threw a picture at Patton like a shuriken.

Said fatherly Side yelped and struggled to catch it.

Remus was gone before Roman could even deal with him.

They looked at the picture.

It's was child Janus sleeping peacefully, curled up inside the hoodie while hugging the rag doll.

Patton couldn't stop squealing and awwwing

Roman was raging because he couldn't find a nickname for someone supposed evil, looking this adorable.

Virgil...

Virgil was absolutely distraught.

He thought leaving the "Dark Sides" would be for the best.

He had just swept the eggshells under his bed.

He hated that feeling.

Just because of his old hoodie and that stupid rag doll.

♥️ 🔄 💬

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snowdice · 4 years

Text

The Things We Never Mentioned (Part 2 of 3)

Fandom: Sanders Sides

Relationships: Logan/Patton

Characters: Logan, Patton, Remy

Summary:

“Believe it or not, academia and relationships are not mutually exclusive.” That was likely true, Logan knew. It was also not the problem.

The problem was his ability to move things with his mind, a blue suit he kept in his bag, and the mountains of red files he kept hidden in his apartment. No one knew that Logan was Bluebird, the cities resident superhero. He hadn’t even told his parents and he wasn’t planning on doing so. Sharing such a secret with anyone was a danger to everyone involved. He refused to do so.

At the same time, he knew that starting a romantic relationship with anyone who didn’t know the truth, was unfair to that person. Inevitably they would find out and there would be a disastrous fallout, but beyond that, starting a relationship on a foundation of lies was a horribly cruel thing to do to another person.

These two conflicting rules Logan followed had never posed an issue for him before recently, but…

But he did like Patton.

This is a three-shot dealing with events set before my story Sometimes Labels Fail set about a month and a half after the mini fics A Coffee Shop Meet Cute and A Coffee Shop Incident Report.

Notes: Superhero AU, Surgery, Medical Procedures

Fair warning, I found while writing this that I actually have no idea how emergency surgery works and so had to boldly guess.

Things to not have be your last line of a chapter if you’re an Emergency Room surgeon “I’ll, um, see you later. Probably not today, but later.”

Things to not have be your last line of a chapter if you’re a secret superhero “Somebody kill me.”

Part 1

It was calm night at work. Which, Remy thought with a wince, was probably not a good thing to think when one worked in an ER. He’d definitely just jinxed it. If some vengeful god decided to crash a bus of innocent people because Remy dared to have the thought that it was a slow night, then that god was an asshole and Remy refused to feel guilty about it.

Remy had only been working in this ER for a few months, but he’d already gotten a feel for how things worked on most nights. It was only about 9pm, but Remy knew he had a long night ahead of him and there was a nice break in his duties, so he was gallivanting off to the break room to snag himself a cup of coffee (the break room coffee was horrible, but it was a necessity) when the city alarms went off.

Most places had televisions set up so people could see the drama unfolding when supervillains attacked the city, but the Emergency Room had one in just about every room that staff frequented which were linked with the alarms so they turned on automatically when the alarm sounded. The staff had to be prepared for the possible influx of patients after all. So, Remy got a first-row seat to the newest super powered fist fight.

The scene on the screen was a fight between two very well-known supers. The villain, Telemonger had been around for almost a decade at this point. She had telekinesis and had a tendency to show up to cities and rain down destruction. She was an A level B in Remy’s book.

The hero, Bluebird, had the same powers but was much newer. He’d only been on the scene for a little over two years, but he was pretty good and had a good standing in the city he protected. People loved him. Beyond the fact that statistically the body counts when he was the one fighting were the lowest in the country, he also just seemed like an okay dude to most people, Remy included. Superheroes weren’t always as heroic as people would wish and sometimes it seemed like they were more going out for notoriety than a desire to help people. Bluebird, on the other hand, didn’t seem to give a flying fuck about statues, keys to the city, hero turf wars, or publicity stunts. Remy could respect that.

So, someone might forgive the nurse if he felt a little nervous about the fight where for most matchups, he’d just be eating popcorn and hoping civilians didn’t die.

They were on the outskirts of the city near the six-lane highway coming into town, both hovering only slightly off the ground and facing each other. The cause of the conflict was clear. There was a passenger train hovering over Telemonger’s head. There wasn’t a train track anywhere near that location, so Remy imagined the people on that train were having quite the fucking day. Bluebird was clearly saying something to her, but this part of town wasn’t set up for this sort of drama and news casters were desperately trying to get the cameras and the long distant microphones working so Remy couldn’t understand what he was saying.

He did, however, very easily understand the response.

She tossed the train right toward the highway. It slowed in midair and stopped only a few feet from crashing on top of the turbine interchange. Remy winced in sympathy. He had never used telekinetic powers himself, but he knew enough theory. Bluebird was strong and had clear potential to get stronger, but he was relatively unpracticed and that had to be quite the strain. While he was distracted, Telemonger sent a piece of concrete directly at his unprotected stomach. He was bowled over by it. Remy could see the train shudder in the air, but somehow it remained there instead of crushing the cars beneath it. Telemonger waved her arm at his face and there was nothing the eye could see, but by the way Bluebird went careening backwards onto the ground, Remy could guess the strength of the hit. The train still didn’t fall though, and she landed to stalk forward toward him with focused intensity.

Oh, Remy realized with sudden clarity. She was here for Bluebird, wasn’t she? This was targeted. As Remy said, he had clear potential and a hero’s will. She was here to nip that in the bud. She didn’t give two shits about the civilians. They were tools for her to get to Bluebird because she knew they weren’t tools to him.

Bluebird suddenly shot straight up in the air flying fast enough that the cameras set to focus on him couldn’t track him. The train was jerked up suddenly and moved a good distance away from the highway over a field before being let down gently.

Telemonger chased after him, tossing ripped up concrete and other objects at him while he did his best to dodge. One he managed to catch as it zoomed by him and redirect in a circle to whip back at her. She just barely dodged. She appeared to grow frustrated with that and spread out her arms before clapping her hands hard in a move Remy recognized from news casts. A wave of force slammed into Bluebird, but Bluebird did something Remy and surely Telemonger had not been expecting. Instead of getting distracted cushioning his own fall, his own hand lashed out and, distracted, she went flying. Telemonger’s head slammed against one of the interstate ramps and she fell. She did not get up.

It had been a decision, clear as day. Remy could see it. She could have easily won that fight and when she did, she would have hurt people. Bluebird had seen an opportunity to take her out. He took it.

Bluebird hit the ground, probably not with as much impact as a person without powers would have, but with more force than someone who could fly should have. He also didn’t move after he hit.

It felt like the whole hospital, no, the whole city, went silent for a long moment.

Then, pandemonium.

People started rushing every which way, preparing for the inevitable conclusion of what was still happening on screen as first responders scrambled onto the scene. Remy hadn’t been here long enough to know what to do in this sort of situation and ended up just allowing himself to be pushed out of the way as things were prepped. Somehow all of that pushing managed to get him right smack dab in the middle of everything.

“You!” one of the higher ups said pointing to him. “In trauma room 2. They need a nurse. Now.” And Remy was definitely not going to argue right now. He scrambled to obey.

When he’d gotten in the correct outerwear and washed his hands, he entered the room. There were a couple of people already in the room that Remy vaguely recognized. There was an anesthesiologist and a surgical tech prepping the room as well as a surgeon. He’d met the surgeon once when he’d given Remy a cookie a couple months before. By reputation, Remy knew that, despite being pretty young, barely older than Remy himself, he was probably one of the best surgeons in the emergency room that night.

“Good,” Dr. Sanders said when he saw Remy come in. He did not look like the friendly, bubbly man who had offered Remy food and a smile. He looked serious, calm, and ready for whatever life could throw at him. “If he’s conscious at all when he gets here, get any information you can,” he told Remy and oh, oh shit. Was this what Remy thought this was?

Well, he couldn’t chicken out now.

He nodded at the doctor and the doctor nodded back before turning to the surgical tech and continuing to help prep everything right.

It was probably less than a minute later when the patient arrived. Bluebird was wheeled in by two other nurses and someone who seemed to be a first responder judging by the uniform.

“I’m with the mask,” the first responder said. She was an older lady with a serious face.

“Get washed up in there,” Dr. Sanders said pointing, “there’s scrubs and a window. Everyone else non-essential out.”

She nodded and rushed over to the indicated room. Being ‘with the mask’ meant she was one of the first people on the scene and was responsible for making sure the superhero wouldn’t be unmasked in medical procedures. It was called the masking courtesy and while all medical professionals were supposed to adhere to it, not everyone could be trusted to do so. She’d made the choice to take on the legal responsibility to protect Bluebird’s identity until such a time as he could make decisions himself or was dead.

Oh god. Remy really hoped not dead. The bitch had probably just saved the city from being razed down and eaten pavement for his efforts. Remy didn’t particularly want to watch him die after that.

He could feel the first responder’s eyes drilling into his back as he approached Bluebird, and he very carefully kept his hands far away from his face and in view of the window. Bluebird’s eyes flickered to him when Remy leaned over him a bit. He was still conscious, but it seemed just barely. “Hey buddy,” Remy said. “We’re going to let you sleep in a minute, but I need you to stay awake for me for just a bit. We don’t have any medical history for obvious reasons and I’m not going to ask you who you are, but is there anything we need to know? Allergies, blood conditions, stuff like that?”

Bluebird thought about it for a long moment and Remy wasn’t sure if he was going to get a response. “No,” he finally gritted out, his voice clearly pained.

“Okay that’s good. We’re going to take care of all of that okay. We’ll fix you up. You know what’s happening? We’re going to have to do some surgery”

“Yes,” he said. “You have my permission.”

“Okay, good, that’s good,” Remy said. Apparently, those words had taken a lot out of him because his eyes started to drift closed. “Hey, hey, come back for a sec. Do you know your blood type?”

There was a slow blink and his eyes didn’t focus, but he still said, “A positive.”

“Possible drugs in your system?”

No response. He was still awake, but he wasn’t fully aware.

“Hey buddy, stay with me.”

“…No.”

“A DNR?”

“No.”

The first responder had gotten all washed up and was in scrubs. She came back over to them. Remy gave her a tight nod. “I think we’re good to go,” Remy said. At least as much as they could be.

“We’re going to get you started on some pain meds now,” the anesthesiologist told Bluebird. He made a sound in response to the new voice, but he seemed to not be quite all there anymore even before the drugs started to hit his system.

Dr. Sanders finished whatever prep he’d been doing and came back over to lean over and address the superhero. “Hello I-” but he was interrupted when Bluebird’s eyes managed to focus on his face

“Patton?” Bluebird slurred, eyebrows crinkling in confusion as he blinked up blearily. “Why are you a doctor?”

Dr. Sanders went still. Remy went still. Everyone in the room went still. He didn’t know, clearly, Remy thought. Whoever the man was behind the mask, Dr. Sanders knew him, but he didn’t know he knew him.

For a long moment, the only sound in the room was the heart monitor.

“This,” Dr. Sanders said softly, but there was something hard and deadly in his tone, “never leaves this room.” He looked up and met each of their eyes one by one. “If it does, I will personally make sure your life is ruined.” Remy believed him.

The anesthesiologist nodded, fear in her eyes and Remy followed suit along with the surgical tech. The first responder pressed her lips together and inclined her head. Dr. Sanders took a breath to steel himself. “Then we have a surgery to perform.”

No one in that room ever said a word about that night to each other or anyone else (at least not for many, many years and even then it was only Remy and the surgeon with the superhero himself in the room). Yet, Remy found himself eating lunch with the surgical tech often over the years to come and always got a birthday card from the anesthesiologist once she’d moved away. They all showed up at the first responder’s retirement party a few years later and her funeral a few years after that. As for the man who was called “Patton” by a man in a mask that night, well, Remy would find, he ended up knowing him very well.

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AO3 Part 2 Part 3

#sanders sides #logan sanders #patton sanders #remy sanders #logicality #relabeled; refiled #labeled universe #adriana writes #medical #surgery #drugs for medical purposes

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