#Sometimes I wish I wasn't. But I can't change myself. And I won't for anyone
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☁️ another ramble post ☁️
⚠️cw?: Injury, talking about disability stuff as a cg⚠️
as a disabled caregiver it's hard to get around when it comes to physical activities. Mush that with a little who's often energetic and loves to do alot of physical activities, it's hard. I'm a wheelchair user, but I'm not paralyzed so I can leave our wheelchair if need be. It isn't recommended by our doctors to leave for a very long time, usually up to 30 minutes to an hour. (Most of the time we can stand for only 10-ish minutes.) Anyways it restricts alot of things we'd like to do. Such as piggyback rides with our cousins or playing tag. Simple things like that.
But as someone who's only had one leg in my source, I knew how to narrow down my activities when it came to taking care of age regressors. Fun fact! If I remember correctly, about 3 to 4ish of my students were regressors. So I've been a caregiver for a long time pass when I formed in the system. Anyways, what I personally do is I just sit down. It's a pain to get back up on my own, but usually I keep my wheelchair close so I don't really need help getting back up when I need to. So, I like to sit down and criss cross my legs. If my little follows my movements and sits on my lap, I can do majority of my care for them with them in my lap. Such as talking with them, feeding them if they need help with that, watching cartoons, so on. This can also work if they don't like physical touch or not comfortable being in my lap. Just as long as they're at arms reach I'm fine. The only issue was I always have to find a way into the kitchen to try and get them something. (It's the worst part) but I try to make due.
i guess the reason why I'm making this post was because I felt kinda invalid due to my ability to walk much. Even when starting out when I formed in the system, I had people telling me I shouldn't try to caregive if we desperately needed a caretaker ourselves. However I didn't want to listen to them. I know it wasn't impossible, and I know there's many CGs who are disabled just as we are. So I never gave up on the idea and now I'm here
-coming from someone who's a wheelchair user, half deaf and tics. Have a good day 👋
#aizawa rambles#Disabled Caregiver#Cglife#Wheelchair user#Hard of hearing user#tourettes syndrome#age regression caregiver#agere community#age regression#agere caregiver#sfw caregiver#aizawa speaks#sfw agere#agere blog#safe agere#Not a vent but#It hurts my self esteem a bit#Sometimes I wish I wasn't. But I can't change myself. And I won't for anyone
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Isagi sister y/n x Sae? She was in love with y/n for a long time and he was planning to confess to her. While all this time y/n was thinking that Sae was gay for Shidou after she saw their matches together. When he confessed to her, y/n told him that isn't he is gay for Shidou.
🌱🩷: I was supposed to be studying this morning, but your idea was funny so I had to write it. Thanks for the request!
Warnings: Reader uses she/her. Requests are open
⚽️Blue Lock belongs to Muneyuki Kaneshiro and Yusuke Nomura ⚽️
"Hmmm..." Sae muttered as he looked at the screen of his phone. Over the past few days that was how most people could find him, just sitting and looking at his phone. From time to time, his expressions would change, but that was only if you looked at him fast enough. A lot of people might say it was pre-final game jitters, but whoever knew Sae enough knew that wasn't true. Rin, Isagi, and Shidou would sometimes ask if je was ok, but all they would get is a short nod from him.
'I hope he won't be acting weird tonight. We really need to have his head in the game if we want to win the World cup.' Rin sighed as he received another short nod from Sae.
"What's up with Undereyelashes senior? Did you two have another fight?" Shidou snickered, earning an annoyed look from Rin. But, before the younger could yell back at him, Isagi stepped in between them. They didn't need all of this hours before their final game with Germany!
"Just calm down everyone. Let's leave Sae-san alone for now."
'Be honest when confessing, and also be smooth about it?' Sae frowned as he read through the guide.
'I hate these internet advice sites.' Sae groaned, putting the phone away and rubbing his eyes. He was tired, very tired from all the training, but also from keeping all these emotions under wrap for the past few months. Sae Itoshi wasn't someone who saw himself falling in love with anyone, heck, he never saw himself having a crush! But, here he was, hours before his final game at the World cup, he was busy figuring out a way to confess his feelings for (Y/n).
'This is ridiculous. I should have done this before the game. But, only if I win tonight will I see myself worthy of her.' Sae shook his head as a blush spread across his face.
"I will take a walk." The rehead muttered to himself as he walked out of the room Rin Shidou, and he shared.
"Are you not nervous? The final game kept mom, dad, and I up all night." The older Itoshi froze in his footsteps as he heard the voice of the one person that's been haunting his thoughts for the past months.
'(Y/n)...' Sae gulped as he observed her and Yoichi's interaction.
"I was nervous days prior, now I am just numb to everything." Yoichi shrugged his shoulders as (Y/n) poked his cheek.
'Wish she would do that to me-Is that Yoichi's jersey she is wearing?!' Sae gulped as he noticed the familiar clothing item, which caused a weird wave of jealousy to hit him.
"Hm?" Feeling eyes on them, (Y/n) turned to look at Sae, and gave him a smile and wave.
"Sae-san! Ready for the game later?!"
Yoichi looked back as well, noticing the blush on the older's cheeks.
"You finally got out of your room?"
"Finally?" (Y/n) asked in confusion, but instead of getting an answer, the boy turned around and quickly walked away.
"Maybe he is nervous?" (Y/n) suggested, watching in sadness as Yoichi chuckled a little.
"Hard to imagine. He basically breaths football." He answered back, earning a nod from (Y/n).
'I think he might be panicking because him and Shidou are in the same team again. After all, I know all to well how it feels to be close to someone you love, but can't tell them that.' She thought as her expression fell a little.
'I wish he liked me like I like him. But, Shidou is the one he wants.'
"Let's go and get some food. I can't play on an empty stomach." Yoichi said as he pulled (Y/n) towards the exit.
"Sure..."
'Maybe,in another life he would like me back.'
Meanwhile, Sae was having a small breakdown in the bathroom.
'That smile... shit, it's so cute! She is so sweet and caring, how can one not fall for her.' Sae thought as he washed his face, hoping the cold water might help his blush.
"That smile, the voice, the eyes, everything is way too ethereal about her. I need to get this off of my chest as soon as possible." Sae took a few deep breaths.
"Shit, get your head into the game, Sae. You can't embarrass yourself in front of (Y/n) tonight."
A few hours later, the game was about to start. The stadium had a special euphoria haunting it, something neither the Japanese or German team felt before. Was it because it's the final game? Was it the loud cheers from the Japanese fans? They didn't know, but they definitely enjoyed it... some more than the others.
"Sae-chan! Ready for the game? You finally got off your high horse?!" Sae flinched as Shidou jumped on his back and yelled into his ear.
"Get off!" Sae yelled, shoving Shidou off of his back and looked back to where (Y/n) was sitting (he had to beg Yoichi to tell him where her seat was). Sending her a small wave, the girl returned it, then she looked back to where Yoichi was.
"YO-CHAN, DO YOUR BEST!!"
Sae sighed dreamily as he heard her yell, ignoring the small jealousy he felt for Yoichi at the moment.
'I wish she would cheer me on like that.'
"I WILL!!" Yoichi was heard yelling back, looking away from Kaiser for a moment.
"Hmm? Who is that? Your girlfriend?" Sae froze for a moment as he heard Kaiser's voice, then looked at the blonde, who had an amused smirk as he stared back at (Y/n).
'Don't look at her, you creep.' The redhead narrowed his eyes and walked over to where Kaiser and Yoichi were.
"Eww! That's my older sister, you dumbass." The blue-eyed boy cringed, which only amused Kaiser more.
"Even better, then. Hope the cutie will not faint from all the magnificent goals she is about to witness from me."
Hearing his words Yoichi recovered from his disgust and sent a warning glare in Kaiser's direction.
"Stay away from her."
"And if I don't?" Kaiser challenged as Sae arrived at Yoichi's side.
"Just shut up. The game is about to start."
Although his voice sounded monotone, that was far from what he felt inside.
It was a tiring 95 minutes of the game. With Sae, Rin, and Yoichi scoring on one side, and Kaiser and Ness on the other, but they made it. Neither the players or the fans could believe it. Japan actually won the Cup. The players of the Japanese team collapsed on the ground after Yoichi scored the final goal, too tired and excited to do much, while the fans were the ones erupting in screams of joy and crying.
"YOICHI!! YOU DID IT!!" The said boy laughed a little as (Y/n) ran up to give him a tight hug, tears streaming down her own face.
"I am so proud of you!" She cried out as Yoichi hugged her back.
"Thanks... without you and our parents' support I wouldn't be here." The boy said back as they separated.
"You are too humble." She pouted, but before she could say anything else, Sae interrupted the conversation.
"(Y/n), can I talk to you for a moment?" The boy asked, looking oddly nervous to the two siblings.
"Sure." She nodded her head as Sae led them to a more private area, or at least a spot where there were no cameras.
"What did you need? And congrats on winning! Your goal earlier was amazing!!" (Y/n) said, which boosted Sae's ego even more up.
"Thanks, glad that you liked it. But, I called you here to talk about something else."
"What is it?" (Y/n) wandered, part of her wanting to ask why he was with her, when he could be celebrating with Shidou.
'Maybe he needs dating advice?' She mused.
"I wanted to tell you this for a while now... I really like- I mean, love, I really love you."
(Y/n)'s eyes widened in shock and her face turned red as Sae continued.
"You are always so calm and kind to others, you were even kind to me after I acted like a jerk the first time we met. I am not really one to fall in love, I never imagined myself in this position, but I am glad that it is you who I fell for."
"Sae... wait, so... so you don't like Shidou-san?" She asked, trying to process everything. Sae stopped talking and looked at the girl in bewilderment.
"Why would I like him of all people?"
"It's just... you both look so close. And your interactions during the U-20 match, I thought that you like him..." (Y/n) admitted, nervously playing with her fingers. Sae was pretty much speechless for a good 2 minutes, ignoring everyone around himself as he sighed.
"I only love you. Shidou is a friend, I will admit that, but I don't see hin as anything more." Sae spoke as he took her hands into his. (Y/n) got more flustered as she avoided Sae's eyes for a moment, but eventually spoke up as well.
"I.... I love you as well. I have for a while now." She stuttered out while looking up at Sae. The boy felt a variety of emotions hit him, but the one that stood out the most was happiness. Pure, utter happiness.
"That makes you mine, from now on. And I will be yours." He said, kissing the embarrassed girl on the cheek.
"I am glad then." She laughed a little.
#blue lock#bllk#blue lock anime#blue lock manga#blue lock x reader#bllk x reader#blue lock scenarios#blue lock requests#sae itoshi#isagi's sister#bllk sae#blue lock sae#sae itoshi x reader#sae x reader#sae itoshi x y/n
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🌠 I have a fun story. Some of this was filled in by a relative of mine who works upper management.
Where I work, we have this employee. She's a bit of a jack-of-all trades but seems to choose to stay on the bottom rungs, since she'd honestly not thrive in higher management positions. I'll call her X. X is pretty introverted, quiet, kind and above all, willing to help.
Our door greeter has some hang-ups and inconsideration they won't work through, so they call out very often. (Boss won't fire them because they are elderly.) X was always the first to offer to take their shift. Did our forklift guys need a spotter? (The guy they used to have walked out one day.) X is on it, no questions asked. Does a customer need an employee to help them shop? X is there! X has covered more of my shifts than I can count, due to personal life issues.
A lifesaver and a sweetheart. We all were inspired by her and also branched out to help, sometimes.
Despite how nice she is, X takes bullshit form no one. One day, one of our main supervisors got a position changed and some asshole took their place. This asshole seemed to hinge a lot of their projected success on what they perceived as X's submissiveness. Well, X felt disrespected by every interaction, it seemed. She always denied this jerk.
He'd demand X do something. "I'm sorry, that is not within my responsibilities as a cashier. If my responsibilities have changed, I would like to see a notarized and documented form that bares my signature before I take on other tasks." Honestly, to-a-T, brutal compliance of business shenanigans.
Well, Jerk got mad she stopped being so complicit and, one day, confronted her on her "behavior." Other employees, myself included, recorded him yelling at her while she looked unmoved and unbothered. When he was done, he shouted. "You do all of this for anyone else! Why not me?"
X was quiet for a long time. "You didn't treat me like a person when you bullied me in high school, and you still don't now. So why would I?"
Y'ALL, I WAS FLOORED. He was her high school bully and her revenge was not doing anything beyond her contracted job to help him, KNOWING HIS SUCCESS HINGED HEAVILY ON HER.
He was about to snap again, but saw we had cameras pointed at him. His face was red, he looked like he realized something.
"I don't remember that."
"Yes you do. Leave me alone, please."
Then, he didn't ask her to do anything. When he's wasn't scheduled, she goes above and beyond. But X didn't do a god damn thing for Jerk. He couldn't look her in the eye anymore. And honestly, good for her. Our store will never fire her; she knows too much and is too helpful, and she's the highest paid cashier after all her raises and such.
His "projected" productivity suffered since all of his promotional promises hinged on the cashiers being willing to help him with tasks outside of their job. We'd help if X did. She stopped so we did, too. One day he stopped showing up as our supervisor. Our new supervisor told us he'd taken another position.
X is a badass.
She eventually quit and took up her true passion, which was coding and programming. I still text her and we play Balder's Gate together. I love her to bits. She even said she'd teach me some code stuff and see if I can't work with her and her company... Wish me luck!
Posted by admin Rodney.
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realising none of u have seen my writing before which is. a good thing probably. anyway i thrive best in letter writing format so here's a letter todd wrote to neil after he took a gun induced nap
(obvious tw for death and suicide and general grief adjacent feelings)
-
December 20th, 1959
Neil,
I’ve tried to write this about 7 separate times now, but I feel like I can never get the right combination of words to properly describe how I’m feeling. I don't really know why I’m writing this in the first place, I know you won't be able to read it. I guess I don't need a reason. I don't think I’ll be able to get it right no matter how many times I try, so forgive me if this doesn't make sense.
It's been about 5 days since you killed yourself passed and I still can't confidently say that it feels real. Mr. Keating got fired, Charlie got expelled, Cameron was behind all of it, and I can’t even bring myself to hate him for it. I'm angry, obviously, I’ve never been more furious with anyone in my life, but something in me knows that you wouldn't have hated him either. Things like that have been running through my mind a lot, I find myself operating under what I think you would’ve done, or at least wanted me to do. I hope I’m getting it right. I yelled at Cameron after he ratted us out, and it wasn't like those times before, nobody expected it of me. I like to think you would’ve been proud of me for that.
It's really quiet without you here, in ways that I didn't think I’d notice. You were never all that loud, which I appreciated, but even the small things being gone make me feel like I'm going insane. It's hard getting to sleep without hearing your breathing from across the room. Is that creepy? Sorry. Sometimes I open the window just so I can hear anything but silence. I usually just end up wondering how people can go about their days when someone so important is dead. How are people laughing and enjoying themselves when it feels like my entire world came to a screeching halt? How dare they continue with their lives without even acknowledging how much has changed? That’s about when I close the window, our the room starts to get cold after a while.
I'm trying to stay that more confident version of myself that you were helping me become, I could tell you liked a more outgoing Todd. I think he was buried with you, and I’m not sure when I’ll be able to dig him back up. I hope that’s okay, I know how patient you were with me. Thank you for that by the way, you were the first person to give me the time of day when it came to that. It was really special, I wish I had the chance to tell you. There are a lot of things I wish I had the chance to tell you, you were the only person I ever wanted to say things like that to. I'm really sorry that I never did, I realize now that it probably would’ve done you some good to hear it. God only knows how little kindness your father gave you, if I had known how bad it was then I would’ve you deserved better than that. You deserved a lot more than what the world gave you, I think we all do. No amount of sorry’s can fix that.
I miss being near you.
I miss you.
I miss having you around. I’d forgive you if you came back and told us it was all a joke. I wouldn’t be mad at all, I promise.
- Todd Anderson
#desire mona#ugh idk how i feel abt this sorry#is it even in character?#whatever#dead poets society#todd anderson#neil perry#anderperry#writin
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In the tree Penelope is penny again with ruby meeting black smith
The space were one ascends is an odd place. Suffocatingly open, so full of a spastic, flowing energy, all the freedom to be who or whatever one could wish in a seemingly endless place.
It was familiar, though, The Doll knew that Much.
Blacksmith: I wasn't expecting you so soon. It is nice to see you th-
???: I need to find Ruby.
Blacksmith: Hmm. As forthright as ever. Why do you want to affect her choice?
???: Because she affected Mine. Who I was. Who and what I became. I want to help her choose who she is next. I want to tell her goodbye, to let her know that We are friends, no matter who and what we are and may become.
Blacksmith: ... That is a very big ask. Affecting another's choice is not something to be taken lightly.
???: I was a protector once. I gave that Life up for the duty, for the purpose of protecting people. I understand the weight of a life.
Blacksmith: I ... suppose, if that is what you choose, I shall uphold it. Just know that if I believe you are negatively interfering with her choice, I will separate you two again.
???: That is fair. I agree to those terms.
Blacksmith: Well then ...
The Blacksmith Placed a hand on The Doll's shoulder, taking up her entire field of view, before turning her around.
The area suddenly had Weapons in Glass cases, dozens of displays to avail, a red-cloak wearing girl walking about, as though she was browsing at an armory.
???: Ruby?
Ruby: Pen- Who- How are you here?
???: I came to see you- and the cat changed my purpose, not unlike what Watts Did with his hack, and I had no choice, or else I would've harmed our friends. The Blacksmith said I could at least say goodbye before we choose who we're going to be next.
Ruby: I- I failed you again! Why do you care about me- I can't save anyone, not even myself!
???: You can't save anyone? Ruby- I- You saved me.You saved me from boredom and loneliness, You saved so many people in Mantle and Atlas- you've been in here! In the Ever After! You don't know what people have done in the time we've been gone! You have saved people.
Ruby: ...
???: And more than that, You are my friend. I became this because I wanted to give Jaune someone he could save after I asked him to kill me. I- I wanted to protect him from further Failure, but I now realize that I can't protect everyone, and trying to do so will only end up with me dead.
???: Whoever you choose to be, I will always be your Friend. And I will always be Ruby Rose's friend.
Blacksmith: So have you decided what you are?
???: Yes. Yes I have.
Ruby: Who are you going to be?
???: I'm Going to be Penny Again- A new Penny. One that remembers this, and you, and our Friends and Family. I won't be the same, I can't be the same after all this, but none of RWBY or Jaune- Or any one, truly, after a lifetime of experiences. No one dies the person they are born as, nor are we born again as the same person that we die as.
Penny?: But that change is not necessarily large, or dramatic - sometimes that change does not need to be accomplished in the choice of what you will be, but rather occurs before hand, when you realize you have changed in such a way that you can choose yourself.
Ruby: Choose yourself? I thought you lost your memories when you go back? You can't be who you are if you don't have your memories?
Penny?: That is true, but When you return you are given enough information to fulfill your purpose - where to go, what to do, how to act. If my purpose is to be the culmination of my experiences, then I will have all of my experiences.
Penny: I believe I am ready to go back now. Goodbye Ruby. Please make the choice that's right for you.
Blacksmith: Normally there is a limitation on what knowledge one may be sent off with, but you are rather Clever, aren't you?
Penny: I have experience with carefully wording requests and answers. One for my Human Body from Ambrosius, and it allowed me to almost come close to lying. Purely by omission, of course- Actually that will be a few changes I wish to make, though I do not want to annoy or distract Ruby with the discussion. I love you Ruby, and I'm certain I will love whomever you choose to be next. Goodbye.
Blacksmith: Very well then! Let's see you off! Please take your Time Ruby. I will be back in a moment.
~~~~~
Ruby: ... I love you too, Penny. Thank you for being a friend.
Ruby: *Staring at Sundered Rose* At least I know I was called a Friend.
#rwby#ruby rose#rwby blacksmith#the blacksmith rwby#rwby au#penelope AU#penny polendina#asks and answers#anonymous
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to all my babes out there trying to get a job, got some tips for y'all. i'm updating my resume and realised that what i do might help some people, and not everyone knows about ATS parsing. gonna be long, will add a tldr at the end
so, first things, instead of MS office, i use libreOffice as my document creator/word processor. stop giving microsoft your money - libreOffice is free and open source, and it's amazing. go get it. saves you money too and god knows we need that. but, i'm sure you can do this in publisher too, i just don't know all the buttons
onto techniques: instead of creating my resume in libreOffice's equivalent of word, i use the equivalent of microsoft's publisher - the thing meant for you to make cards and flyers and whatnot. essentially you just pick a size document, and get to throw things (pictures, text boxes, charts, whatever) onto the page where you want them. since it's geared more towards artsy things, it's a lot more flexible with formatting than word (moving images in word? just don't).
essentially, every snippet of information i put on my resume is one text box. each job with its description, each project i've worked on, etc gets its own text box. this is great in a couple ways: it means that if you want to change the formatting of your resume, you can just move around text boxes instead of fucking around with copy/paste all day. the second thing is that when a machine tries to read your resume, internally it'll read that pdf and see blocks of related information that's more precise than giant paragraphs you'd get in word. make your section titles their own text boxes (like experience, education, skills, etc) so they don't get lumped in with the real info.
i'm not gonna talk about "resume words" or "clean formatting" bc tbh i'm bad at that and i think recruiters are dumb sometimes for wanting "no templates, but only format it this one particular way". but get all your info there, arrange it how you see fit, and THEN. then we get sneaky.
in libreOffice, you can name and add descriptions to text boxes. "what!" i hear you say. "that's so weird why would anyone do that!". and i say "well, if a human is reading your resume, it doesn't matter what the text box thinks it is. but it's a machine reading your resume! you want to speak the machine's language." the name is less important than the description, in my opinion, but you can name the boxes too. what you're gonna do is select a text box, click on "format" at the top bar, then "description". and you're gonna add in the alt text box what this text box is. if it's a list of skills, write "skills". if it's education, write "education". this info won't show up visually to a human reading the doc, but it helps machines categorise the data, just a little bit better. in the description part of this, you can also try adding the key words from the job description so the machine sees them but a human really can't find it unless they really look. this isn't something i've been able to test thoroughly, though, so take it with a grain of salt.
i'm still working out all the kinks myself, and picking apart what the ATS does in terms of parsing your resume, but when i started doing this my resume was better parsed whenever i applied to jobs. which, bonus, less retyping your resume into the bullshit job app.
tldr; fuck microsoft, use libre office instead. use libre office's drawings app or ms office's publisher app for ease of use. in libre office, click text box, go to format -> description and add a description of what the text box contains. test and retest your resume in an ATS parser online to make sure the machine reads your resume correctly.
i wish this wasn't how things are, but since we're here might as well figure out hacks. if anyone else has info to add, please please do. it's rough out here.
#jobs#jobsearch#job hunting#hacks#job hacks#resume#resume hacks#microsoft#libre office#truly libreoffice supremacy#help#job help#ats#job applications#applications#technology#text#please add to this#we all need to help each other out here#good luck
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Ngnhhhh whats wrong with me?!
Ah it's so hard! So so hard to not hate myself!
It's so weird. I feel somewhat inferior, like I'm crazy, like I'm not normal, like I'm a fucking retard.
Why do people change so much? I understand that becoming a teen comes with maturing and changing behavior but.... Not like that. Is it me that's odd and that doesn't grow up? Or is it them that are odd and are behaving strangely? Being a teen only means you grow older. That's all. What's wrong with them? I hate seeing people change when i don't. I feel like I'm a seed that won't sprout watch others grow as big and mature trees. But emotionally. Or psychologically or whatever!
I hate how this boy in my class talks to so many girls and flirts with most of them. That boy is that one friend of mine that's ashamed of me. I hate what he grew up to be. We used to be such good friends. I remember always playing hide and seek, telling stories, eating some sour candies together. In elementary school he even had a crush on me but i didn't like him back. I don't understand what went wrong. I keep repeating it to him; he's changed. Highschool changed him for some reason. I hate how he's popular. I hate how he has so many female "friends", and it's not jealousy at all because i don't love him like that. I've heard that it's resentment. Resentment caused by a feeling of inferiority because of the lack of power i have over the situation. It's basically me being frustrated because things don't go the way i want them to. I think there's something wrong with me, because most of my classmates say that he hasn't changed. Because they did with him. Why's everything so different? I hate how powerless i am over... over everything.
I'm starting to think they might be right, maybe I'm autistic. But i really don't want to be! I'm not a retard. If i do have autism, or anything at all that's wrong with my mind i want to heal it as quick as possible. I just hate how i can't be enjoying teenage years like everyone else.
I'd say maybe it's an adolescent crisis, but that's just.... no. I feel like it'd be invalidating what i feel. (Even if it's not valid in the first place) I just wouldn't agree if someone told me "the way you feel is normal, it's adolescent crisis due to puberty, a phase that everyone goes through". So that'd mean I'm normal. I want to be normal! And i wish that that was true! But it's not, and I'd hate anyone who'd say it is. Because if it's so, then why am i the only one suffering?! Why am i the only loser? Why am i the only weird kid?
I think i don't even want to get raped. I watched porn this morning and the dude was really gentle, and handsome. I felt so gross after jacking off. Once i was done i felt immediately empty. I disgust myself. I looked at myself in the mirror and wanted to throw up. Wet wrinkly hands, messed up hair and blushing cheeks. That's so pathetic, to blush all alone in your room like the stupid little girl you are. But whatever, that man in the video was really cool; he'd chuckle sometimes for some reason. I think normal and consensual sex would be great... I can't believe I'm thinking about sex when i can hardly make FRIENDS.
And on top of this misery, i am sick! I catched a cold and my tonsils are swollen. My nose is running and my nostrils are burning.....
My father is so annoying. As if i wasn't feeling bad enough he has to worsen it and yell at me. I'll never take in consideration anything he says, he's the dumbest man on earth. He asks me to clean up the mess in my room; it's true that i should but i won't listen to him. Also I'm sick, I'm feeling too exhausted to do that! But the main reason is, i have nothing to learn from him. I have no reason to listen to him, i hate him. Who is he to talk? He never cleans anything, it's my mom that does all the job. I'm not gonna do what a stupid irresponsible alcoholic man tells me to do. I hate him. I'm ashamed of him. I hate his face, i hate his voice, i hate that he's the one that conceived me. I hate every little thing he does, even when he's being nice. I'm mad at him, so i don't care. But when I'm not, i feel really guilty. Because whatever he does i still hate him. And i hate myself for that. He spoils me, he buys me what i want, he does a lot for me and he loves me. Despite that, i can't bring myself to love him. I've never been able to love him. I can't see him as anything else but a monster. Somehow when you give off an image of yourself to someone, it might never change. It's not that i don't want to love him, i just can't no matter how hard he tries. And my sister said the same when she had a break down. And i know for sure that that's not because of puberty because she's an adult. After all, it's his fault. He might love us but he didn't think about us when he's done everything he has. He's selfish.
I wonder if my instagram friend will ever text me again. I know i said i would text him in a month if he doesn't text me first, but i can't stop thinking about him. I don't know why I'm so fond of him. I miss him but i know I'm just a random freak he once talked to online.
I have a lot going on in my mind. Most of it is hard to be put into words.
Ahhhh i wish i could be important to someone. I think when i say "someone" I'm mainly talking about him. I wish he'd love me just as much as i love him. It doesn't matter to me if he doesn't text me in a while (even if it hurts me) , most important to me is that we never get cut off. I don't want to rush things since we're only teenagers. Because i know that after some years he'll get heart broken by so many girls he'd be hopeless and desperate. That's when i show up and become the angel that will save him from despair. I'm not like the others, i care more about him than i care about myself. I'll love him a lot, I'll take care of him.... He might become a NEET, but it doesn't matter because i wouldn't mind handling both of our financial situations, if I'm able to. I'll tell him "so in the end, after all the time... Who never left? Who always stayed by your side?" And that'd be me. He'd fall in love, I'd get a flight ticket to his country and marry him. I hope it will happen. I think he's my first love. I want him to be the last. I want to be an angel, i really do. I want to kiss him, hug him, love him, rescue him from his own misery. I can't take care of mine but i can take care of his. I want to save him like an angel would! I want him to love me back!
#femcel#loser girl#tomoko kuroki#nhk#i am miserable#loser#incel#marriage#i want him#i wait for you#angel girl#i want to be happy#neurotic
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Yeah, apparently I can't control myself so here are some headcanons I've made from H2O just add water (it is a fanfiction I'm still planning to write)
So, after Lewis got his scholarship to the USA, he's afraid that his relationship with Cleo won't be the same
Cleo is also afraid but also optimistic and happy for him
They try to keep in touched everyday, even though Lewis is very busy.
They don't need to spend hours in the cellphone; he smiles for a whole day when Cleo texts him in the morning "you'll do great today in your exams, love you". And Cleo would read his brief and sweet messages before going to sleep so she could forget a bit about her problems
She was worried after her graduation because she still didn't really know what to study in college.
And Lewis would try to help her as always
They would never tell each other but sometimes wondered if the other would find someone better during this period
Cleo was not so insecure anymore but she couldn't help having this thoughts where a Charlotte 2.0 appears and gets too close
Lewis, on the other hand, would be very secure about his relationship with Cleo because he trusts her. But sometimes he remembers how incredibly beautiful she is and he couldn't blame anyone who would fancy her
But in general, a long distance relationship was better than they thought
So one day, around one year later, Lewis' friends in the US think that he needs to try to be with someone else because his australian gf was cheating on him by that time for sure.
And they try to take him to a party because "you need to live a bit outside of this lab" (and some of them would try to mock him for being a "virgin" but Lewis honestly couldn't care less)
Thing is, he really is not interested, even if he was single, because that research was the most important thing that moment
Their friends at some point give up, but not after making him go at least to one party with them.
They thought that he would finally bang someone, but he is there only to make them stop inviting him to these parties bc he def had some more important things to do
And yeah, there were lots of pretty girls there
But none of them had the same kind, green eyes, and that wide smile, and calm thoughtful voice.
Lewis didn't usually think too much about how he missed Cleo, but that night he wished he was in the moon pool cave just looking at her
And he faced the sky and saw the moon. He couldn't help but think about all the full moon nights he spent awake to help the girls
And for the first time in months he allowed himself to cry - not only because he missed Cleo, but also missed those days that would never return.
So he picked his phone, knowing that Cleo would be probably working at that time and left her a message
"Hey, Cleo. I was just... Looking at the moon. And yeah, I'm on this party here, people thought I needed to have some fun and leve the lab a bit but... I just want to say that I miss you. A lot. Nothing has changed. And nothing is funny without you. But I look at the moon and at the ocean and I.. I like to think that we're not so far away".
When Cleo hears it, some tears roll down her face because she never heard Lewis sound so heartbroken. And yeah, sometimes she also missed him that it would almost literally hurt
She could tell that he wasn't okay and her only thought was "He is lonely"
And she decides that it was time to visit him and she would go. Swimming.
Of course she had to tell her dad she would go by plane using some savings she had.
Rikki didn't really like the idea of Cleo swimming a whole ocean alone
Bella thought it would be amazing
But Cleo convinces them that it won't be so difficult because she can control the water
And in fact, it wasn't. Most of the time she didn't need to swim so hard bc the water was carrying her. And she somehow knew where to go
It took her one day and she was amazed with the possibilities
Of course she hadn't told Lewis she would be there, so she just headed to his address
And when he opened the door, after a day of studying hard with a bottle of energy drink he thought his mind was playing him tricks
But it was her. In front of him, smiling.
They looked at each other in silence for a moment, all the words they wanted to say shared through their stares
And when she hugged him, suddenly he felt home. And when they kissed, she felt everything was alright again
Part of his brain wanted to ask how the hell she arrived there swimming
But all he could think was about her lips that tasted like salt water
And they were just there, in his tiny living room, the last rays of sun going through the window, heating even more the moment, the scene and their bodies
He didn't even asked if that was her first time - he knew it was their first time, they knew each other since they were five and it was surprisingly how their bodies communicate so perfectly with each other when they struggled with words
And she could tell he was nervous and kinda wished it was full moon so she would be more confident
It was gentle, caring and loving, with lots of kissing and giggling
And when it was over, they felt the same way: relieved and delighted
After a moment, Cleo says "so, apparently it was worth it to swim across the ocean"
And he just smiled and said "you didn't have to do this, you know."
"I know. But you needed me. It was your full moon and I couldn't leave you alone in a full moon. I thought it was our main rule in the mermaid club."
#sorry not even remotely sorry#h20 just add water#lewis mccartney#cleo sertori#mako mermaids#fanfic#mermaid#i still can write more
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Hey people I love 🫀
I... I'm not sure exactly what I should explain here. I just wanted to let y'all know I may be a little quiet or slow on here for a few days. I wish I could throw myself into writing at the moment but I don't feel incredibly inspired to write deeply loving sex. I won't let myself break for long because I refuse to let this get taken away from me but I may need a small break.
I want to start by saying I'm okay- or... I will be. I'm not angry and if you've been here long enough to know who this is- please don't be angry for me. I don't want any of you worrying, I'm stronger than the world seems to think I am. I'm just going through a lot at the moment.
I won't say too much yet but... Last night my fiancée of almost three years let me know they needed us to break up. No, it wasn't my choice but I understand. Yes I'm hurt but again, I understand. I think I've known for a while it was coming but that doesn't stop it from hurting.
We were long distance and they hadn't liked the same things we used to in quite a while. I think the fact their interests changed and we didn't share a hyperfixation made it hard to relate to me but I'm not sure. The breaking point I believe was finally realizing after my diagnosis how serious my health problems are. People think they can handle it but some just can't and I understand that. I have a lot to offer I think on the emotional care side of things but sometimes that's just not enough. I get that.
Like I said I'm not really angry and if any of you know who they are please don't be upset with them either. I don't blame them for finally realizing they couldn't handle what I go through, no one's been able to before and I don't expect anyone ever will. Shit I'd leave my body if I could. I do ask a favor to my mutuals, please never EVER tell a sick friend or partner- "I can't believe anyone would just leave you because you're sick. I swear I never will." If you want to prove it to them okay, but don't promise it. It hurts worse when it's admitted that's why they can't do it anymore. I just ask you be careful with people.
I still love them and I respect their needs. I even told them I was proud they could admit it. It was worse feeling so disconnected. I wish them all the best, I really do.
I didn't mean to ramble so much, I just wanted to explain why I might be distant or something for a few days. I wanted to do a special chapter for my birthday tomorrow but... I'm not sure I'll feel up to it. I don't know what I'll be doing tomorrow. I love you all so much, you have no idea. You keep me going when not much else does. I always want to be here to help if you need but I might be a little quiet. You can still message if you need though! I'll try to be here. Thank you for understanding. Spread love, not hate 🖤
#life updates#eds#jinx rambles#my fics#happy birthday to me 😅#manic pixie dream jinx has had another chapter closed#i hope theyre better than when we met#i love you all so much#🖤🖤🖤
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It's kind of scary how much I relate to "Blow my brains out" by Tikkle Me
here's me relating to every lyric. Like individually
note: I tagged this with autism tags because a lot of these things are about autism so if you follow autistic tags and don't want to see me rant about wishes to kms I suggest scrolling. Also extreme cursing
Sometimes I wish I could lend you my eyes - See the world through my eyes, know my experiences and maybe you'd have a shred of empathy that you seem to stereotype me as not being capable of feeling
Lend you my hips and lend you my thighs - I guess this is the "step into my shoes" metaphor so. yeah I'll talk more on it later in this post I'm tired rn
Sometimes I wish I could take a new shape - I wish I could switch lives, I hate this one
Switch out some parts and become a big A - sAme as above
Sometimes I wish I could lend you my ears - Sensitive hearing makes me snap at loud people which they laugh at me for
Lend you my thoughts and lend you my tears - Have you tried living where every single fucking day you have a fucking breakdown because you want to fucking die? Would anyone fucking miss me? You wouldn't. I wish you could know how it fucking feels.
Sometimes I wish I could take a new form - I hate my fucking body
Switch out some parts and become like the norm - I'll never be able to fit in, I'll never be able to be like the norm, and it's fucking awful
Lucky is she, who lives unaware - You don't have the burden of knowing the trauma you've caused me.
Who doesn't get bothered by those who don't care - You don't pick and choose every word someone's told you, subconsciously trying to find some underlying message of hatred.
Lucky is she, who lives unaware - You don't know that every night I sit in my bed and wonder how people would react if I disappeared, and you don't have the burden of knowing it's your fault
Who doesn't get bothered by all that's unfair - You don't think about the consequences because you know I've been beaten to a pulp and don't know how to stand up for myself
Unlucky me, who knows way too much - I wish I could go back when I didn't know this about myself, before I knew my family and friends were fucked up
Who fights to make changes and music and such - I can't though. This is the only line I don't relate to. Because everywhere I go I'm called an acoustic retarded faggot who should lay down in traffic, all because of who I didn't choose to be.
Unlucky me, aware of the pain - I WANT TO ESCAPE. I HATE BEING AUTISTIC. THIS DISORDER RUINED MY FUCKING LIFE AND NOW THAT I'M AWARE OF IT IT'S BECOME EVEN WORSE. I WISH I WAS NEVER BORN
All 'cause I happen to have some brain - I'm better than this. I know I am. Everyone around me tells me I'm better than this. Then why am I such a useless fuck who can't even get over my own stupid intrusive thoughts? I'm better than this. And yet I'm the only one smart enough to know that I'm not good enough for anything.
Sometimes I wish I could lend you my voice - See how much effort it takes to keep it from shaking? To keep me from crying?
Lend you my heart and lend you my choice - I don't have either. I want to be able to empathize and have friends but even if I wasn't autistic I can't. I've been so severely ruined by the people around me including at home that I can't even trust myself anymore. So why the hell would I trust you? Please take my heart, it's been ruined already.
Sometimes I hope for a savior to come - I don't believe in god, but if I did I'd pray every day for him to come down and kill me himself. Why create me to make me suffer? Please send a savior, to kill me or to save me, either is a positive.
Who's got what it takes to convince everyone - Nobody would even believe me if I told them they were ableist pricks who bullied an autistic kid. Even if they did, it's not like they'd stop. It'd get worse, probably. Please, I wish they could understand, but they won't. They can't. They'll never understand how fucking traumatizing they've been to me and how irreversibly awful they've been to me.
Sometimes I wish I could lend you my shoes - You know that "step into my shoes" metaphor? Or whatever I never really got it, but maybe if you knew what it was like to be completely isolated and excluded since childhood for no real reason, and never know how to stand up for yourself or make friends because if those abilities weren't gone already they certainly are after my home life ruined it.
Lend you my life and lend you my truth - I wish you could know. I wish you could relate. I wish you could understand. I wish you could fucking empathize but you never do. But you stereotype autistic kids as being unable to feel empathy? You fucking hypocrite! You're a fucking monster!
But sometimes the truth is just my point of view - I guess it's just imposter syndrome. It happens to everyone, I get it, but there's always a voice that tells me I'm being overdramatic. I don't believe it, but it leaks into everything else; all my issues are selfish and ignorable. I just need to get over it. I'm better than this.
Not what is real and not what is true - Nothing is fucking real. I'm not fucking real. I mean I am and you are and everything is but the panic that grips me when the water I splash on myself is lukewarm and unfeelable instead of cool and grounding tends to make me forget that. And I don't know why, it's fucking pathetic honestly
Lucky is she, who lives unaware - You don't know I'm autistic. You don't know the pain I've gone through, laying awake knowing I'll never be able to be normal, I'll never be able to go out with friends to watch a movie, because I'll never be fucking normal, and it makes me want to die.
Who doesn't get bothered by those who don't care - You're so lucky, honestly. If you were autistic, you wouldn't be bothered by this, you'd be able to brush it off, you wouldn't be affected. Because you have a family who cares enough about you that they don't manipulate you at every turn they get. You have support. I don't. I'm ignorable and forgettable and useless.
Lucky is she, who lives unaware - If you are somehow autistic, you don't know. You don't know the pain of knowing I'll never have friends, or a social life, or self fucking esteem, all because of this stupid fucking disorder. And that's not universal, obviously. So I'm just being an overdramatic crybaby, I know.
Who doesn't get bothered by all that's unfair - You've been so cruel to me. You wouldn't be bothered; you obviously aren't.
Unlucky me, who knows way too much - I can't keep repeating myself, you get the gist.
Who fights to make changes and music and such - I wish, I wish I had a passion that I could keep committed to. Every test I've taken told me I should be a writer! Or an artist! But who the fuck would hire someone as useless as me? Or who would read my shitty projection and words? Anyone can do that.
Unlucky me, aware of the pain - I was diagnosed with depression when I was 10. I wish I wasn't. I thought I was cured, but I wasn't; maybe I was just trying to convince myself I was and lied to myself enough that it became true. At least, for me. But that's just a game theory, don't listen to me!
All 'cause I happen to have some brain - I'm better than this. I'm better than you. I'm better than you. I'm better than this body, this disorder, this trauma. Then why do you beat me down, and why does it affect me? Why does this body trap me and suffocate me? Why does this useless fucking disorder ruin everything it touches? It's touched me. I'd argue I'm pretty ruined, though that sounds pretty cliche. Why does my trauma hold me back? I'll never be normal and it's because of the trauma. I'm not better than the trauma, or the disorder, or this body, or you. And I'm smarter than you. I have the brains to realize that but I don't know how to say it without sounding like a prick.
Lucky is she, who lives unaware - I wish I was lucky. I wish I was unaware. Maybe I'd be happier if I wasn't.
Lucky is she, who lives unaware - I wish I was you. Not because you're better than me, but because you're blissfully unaware of my problems. If I didn't know my own problems, I'd be happier, right?
Unlucky me, who knows way too much - I can't think of what else to write. I don't know what else to write that isn't just rants about hating myself and wanting to die, that's too unoriginal.
Who fights to make changes and music and such - Read above, I guess, IDK
Unlucky me, aware of the pain - I wish I wasn't, because maybe that would make it go away. Maybe that would make it not exist. I know my logic is bad but it's better than nothing, right?
All 'cause I happen to have some brain - Thanks for reading this, really. I know most people will just scroll past but if you read the whole thing it means a lot. You don't have to interact but just. It means a lot. Thank you.
#Tikkle me#blow my brains out#music#vent#tw suicidal thoughts#tw suicidal ideation#suicide#tw suicide#autism spectrum#autistic#actually autistic#autism#autistic things#autistic rant#autistic rambling#asd#tw internalized ableism#internalized ableism#ableism#cursing#tw cursing
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Today was nice. Everything went well and everyone was in a good mood. I spent my morning doing sterrad and I haven't done that in a while. I got to leave 30 minutes early so that was cool.
Earlier one of my co-workers asked for my number just so he could have it in case something happened. I gave it to him because I didn't think he was going to make it weird. I don't mind talking to him but obviously I don't like him like that. I have no interest in dating anyone from work. He is definitely not my type and I'm also 5 years older than him. I'm not interested in being with someone younger than me. He has a hard time being serious. I like to joke around but it is constant with him and it's starting to get annoying. He likes to bring up the fact that he has never had a girlfriend and his parents won't let him move out of the house until he is married. I thought he was just venting because we're all pretty open with each other. I guess I didn't realize what he is trying to do until now. I feel stupid. He texted me a little while after I got home so I would have his number. He also sent me a bunch of weird selfies so I don't know what to think about that. I am a little uncomfortable and I hope he doesn't try to text me all the time. I need to distance myself as much as possible because I'm not trying to give him the wrong idea. He also changed his hours so he could come in earlier so I have to be around him longer so that is stressing me out. I'm glad I don't have to see him for a few days.
Anyway, I don't want to think about work anymore. I am happy to be home. I just wish I could get comfortable.
I called the imaging place to see if I could make an appointment to get my x-ray tomorrow so I don't have to wait and luckily they have an opening at 12:30. I am looking forward to having that done and it would be nice if I could get results by the end of the weekend but I might have to wait until Monday. I got my neck brace and it's not as comfortable as I was hoping. I probably shouldn't wear it even though I want to because it could make my muscle weakness worse. I guess I will have to wait and see what the doctor says. I already know they are going to make me do PT and I hate going to PT. I have always had bad posture so I don't know how I am supposed to correct that now. It is painful to stand up straight and I know that's not right. My neck hurts so bad. I think it is worse than my lower back pain now. I hope it's nothing serious but I am starting to think I have bone spurs because my bones feel like they are pointy and sharp. I don't know how else to describe it. I already know I have arthritis and that can cause them. I am too young to be dealing with all this and I'm scared about the future. I don't want to lose my mobility. I have to be more careful about the activities I do now. Unfortunately it is more likely that I could be paralyzed in an accident since my spine is already damaged. I remember taking care of people who were paralyzed and I have had a fear of that since then.
I wish I had the energy to exercise consistently. I think that would help me a lot. I remember I used to go for a run every day after work for a while and I can't do that anymore. I need to try lifting some weights or something. I haven't gotten my yoga mat out in a long time because I don't have room to do that. I would like to go hiking but I am afraid I wouldn't be able to get around like I used to. I just need to get in better shape and build more muscle.
I think my iron is probably low too. I have struggled with an iron deficiency and anemia most of my life. When I was a baby, I had to have an iron supplement with my formula. A few years ago I was taking an iron supplement every other day but I think I stopped because it was hurting my stomach. I was also drinking a lot at the time so I knew it wasn't good to take those with alcohol. I haven't had a drink in a while so that's good. I probably should start taking iron supplements again sometime soon because they might help.
I feel like I am rambling and I need to go relax now. I think I am going to put an ice pack on my neck to see if that helps. I am glad I don't have to get up super early tomorrow. I'm probably not going to be able to stay awake too much longer because I'm tired. I hope tomorrow is a good day.
I hope everyone else has a good day tomorrow too!!! Thanks for listening to me vent about stuff. :) 💖💖💖
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i remember what you mentioned about that mom's neglect the other day, i didnt even register it when i saw the post myself because i did things like that as a kid, and now im worried ill have normalised so much as a kid ill neglect my own kids. got any advice?
Ah, Ruby... Yes. You're starting strong and on the right foot because you've acknowledged there is a problem and actively want both to change and to prevent that.
Unfortunately, I have bad news. It is normalized to you and so any journey into parenthood will be colored with that.
I also have good news. No one else is more prepared to break the cycle than you are. You have seen and felt it. You have experienced it. You can look back and go "That was wrong." "I was scared." "I wish my mom had been there." "I wish my dad hadn't done that." or whatever the case may be and you can keep that in mind moving forward.
Because that is what we have to do. We have to be the ones that move forward. You can not fall back on "Well, it wasn't AS BAD as when I was a kid". It has to be "It wasn't anything like when I was a kid" and you have to stake your pride on that.
It starts with making a point to THINK. That sounds silly, but it's true. People have this terrible habit of coasting through life on instinct. We can't do that here, your and mine instincts are tainted with the sins of our forebears. You have to go into parenthood thinking and educating yourself. Parenting classes. Parenting books. Parenting groups. Be picky. If it feels wrong, it likely is. Your curse is a blessing and your blessing is a curse. We can also spot abuse and neglect before others if we pay attention. Cobble together the example you want to lead by, the kind of parent you didn't want, but the kind you needed.
Need over want. This has to be the key. You will want to be perfect. You won't be. That is okay. Just be the best you can be and always strive to improve. Become a parent because you genuinely want to give. Children do not owe you anything for being born. Go into this with no expectations, especially not of getting anything back.
Children cost money. You will not be getting it back. Go into parenthood with savings. This is your choice and make sure and do the work to not resent your child for their cost. Your child is your responsibility and no one else's. Help is good, help is something you will want and need sometimes, but your kids are YOURS. Don't pawn them off. Don't become entitled because you have a kid. You aren't special to anyone, but your kids for spawning them.
Seek therapy. Children aren't going to be the balm for your hurt. Make sure you aren't becoming a parent because you feel like you have to. Make sure you aren't becoming a parent because you are trying to fill a some empty space in you or because you're lonely. Couple's therapy if you have a partner or coparent. Help yourself before you put the oxygen mask on someone else. Don't go into this in shambles. You have to be the support for someone else. You can't do that if you can't even hold yourself up.
Learn effective communication no matter what. You'll need it for other parents, your partner if you have one, doctors, and your children. Talk to them. They'll tell you what you need to do for them more than you realize. Kids are smart.
Most of all...
This isn't about you. It's about them. Your children. It's not about your parents. It isn't about anyone, but your children. Put them first and do not hesitate to put them first and above everything.
That's all I can think of off the cuff. Don't be afraid to come to me with any questions or concerns.
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@peachmuses: it's about a week after shuu and mako got into it, and kazuya and tatsuya had all but dragged shuuzou to makotos place, and left him there. he doesn't want to talk to him! he doesn't want to talk to anyone! let him be alone. he's good at it ! but noooooo, neither one is any good at listening and when faced with makoto, shuuzou broke down.
it's now around 3 am, and shuuzou still hasn't fallen asleep. " ako-chan? " softly, quiet into the dark of the room. it's a new moon / and no light comes through the window. shuuzous fists clench at his sides, under the covers. makoto makes a noise and shuuzou's eyes focus on the ceiling.
" I'm scared. " admitted softly into the night. " there's--- everything. and I'm so overwhelmed. " a boyfriend who won't let him break up with him, a boyfriend who shuuzou knows is textbook abusive but feels familiar anyways and really, doesnt he deserve it school, club, job, trying to keep up with his friends, kazuya, his family.
" everything, " he's half choked up and trying to get words out, " everything is changing and I hate it. I hate it I hate it i hate it. " breathing picks up, and tears begin to roll down his face silently. " i don't- I don't want you to leave me too. I- I'm sorry. I just want to go back to when things made sense and I felt in control of things and not this roller-coaster i can't seem to get off of no matter how much I try or scream. I'm so - " a hiccup, " im so tired of myself. "
makoto is alone -- was alone / used to it. also used to someone, usually shuuzou ( a person of which is isn't speaking to currently ), breaking into his house / sometimes kazuya / tatsuya uses the spare key -- his own mother comes home at weird and random hours -- all of which has lead to him growing numb to question the sound of anyone even coming in. ( briefly, makoto thinks every now and again, if someone else ever broke into his house, he'd be fucked. ) this time it's his friends, barging in at one of the worst hours / as makoto lies there in bed wishing everything could stop happening / that he could get off of this shitshow roller coaster and just go to sleep instead of rethinking and overthinking the argument with his best friend.
tatsuya had said that it wasn't his fault day after day, and each time, makoto said that he knew it, logically speaking, but that didn't change the fact that it didn't feel like that was the case. shuuzou, after all, had said that he didn't need him and something inside of makoto broke into four million pieces while he waited for a slamming door that never came. this, he thinks, is a testament to his relationship with shuuzou -- how one thing happens and other things, in turn, also happen, and shuuzou's walking out of his life and makoto can't do anything about it. he is so tired of shuuzou leaving him behind. ( tired of the way shuuzou used to leave his house to go back to his own hell. tired of the way they grew up together just for shuuzou to leave him to go to a different middle school ( that much was a deal, but it was shuuzou's idea, not makoto's. ) tired of the way shuuzou jumped ship and vanished to another country, another continent without so much as giving him a single warning. ) when shuuzou runs away, he is always silent about it / there, then gone, much like a ghost. when he went inside to grab his things just to run away from his own house, it's silent and unfinished like a drafted chapter.
shuuzou said that he didn't need makoto. makoto knows that he's always needed his friend more than his friend needed him. he cried that day and has been feeling himself decay since. ( it doesn't help that the others left, too. tatsuya to go back to akita / he's responsible / he can't just shirk his responsibilities at yosen. kazuya left, presumably to fine shuuzou / makoto hadn't seen him since. )
makoto, however, unlike his boyfriend, has been ignoring his duties, skipping school under the claim of being sick, letting seto take care of the team in his absence. after his fight with shuuzou / he just couldn't / completely shutting down after he'd finally gotten home that day.
and yet. and yet / and yet / and yet / his home is being broken into while makoto can't think -- the door to his bedroom is forced open and kazuya's throwing a wayward shuuzou into his room before pulling it closed and makoto only watches as shuuzou tries for the door only for it to not open. kazuya's doing, no doubt. shuuzou then tries for the window / makoto watches the way shuuzou moves away from it like there's something stopping him for leaving from there, too, before the other deflates in defeat and all makoto can do is stare. why are things like this?
finally, eventually, shuuzou speaks and makoto slowly turns his attention towards his childhood best friend as the other admits to being scared and makoto can feel himself frowning before he knows it. he hates everything about this. best friend cries and makoto is beside himself with guilt. ( his fault / his fault / his fault. ) " shuu... "
makoto shifts, turning over to first face shuuzou, then moves again as he crawls in top of him much like shuuzou tends to do when he's trying to wake him up because he wants attention. " i'm sorry, " it's honest and soft, frown deepening as he again tells himself to get his shit together. " i-- " he's stupid and he needs his best friend, actually. he's hurting enough as is and he doesn't need shuuzou staying away from him. there's enough going on behind the scenes. " i'm sorry, shuu, i went too far, i shouldn't have said what i said. " to go that far over weed was completely incomprehensible, but shuuzou called makoto a bitch and makoto responded with saying some of the worst things that came to mind, none of which were related to the original topic at hand. " i just-- "
he's just got a lot on his plate and he's not like shuuzou. makoto breaks internally before there's something cracking and falling apart inside of him, causing him to implode before he implodes. he's just as much a coil twisted too tightly as he is a shitshow and when the coil gives and snaps, makoto breaks from the inside out. he can't help it. he's shit at dealing with himself.
makoto's tired of himself, too.
" i'm tired, " he admits willingly. " i'm stressed out and tired and sad and angry and-- " his throat tightens and he blinks away the urge to cry because this really isn't about him, but it is, even if it's not and makoto has to explain his actions to be understood. " i'd been on my best behavior for months now and you questioning me indulging one tiny thing felt like you saying i couldn't. " and really, it was just weed. it could have been so much worse. " i didn't like it when you blamed tatsuya because i'm capable of making my own decisions and at the end of the day, it doesn't really matter if he influenced me or not. " tatsuya is his boyfriend, shuuzou, he's been trying to say it for a while now. " and-- "
breath hitches and he again feels like he's watching himself slowly shatter as tears begin rolling down his face as well. " i just sit here and watch things happen that i can't do anything about because everything's either out of my power or no one listens to me anymore and i hate it. i-- i keep feeling like you're pushing me out and picking tatsu and zuya over me, like i'm some sort of chore. " makoto's sat back and watched kazuya slowly become more and more important to shuuzou, more so than him and tatsuya / differently than him. he's had to come to terms with knowing that shuuzou replaced him in america with tatsuya / that tatsuya came to japan and shuuzou came back a different person with a different best friend and there's no space for him. makoto hates change. " like you care more about the both of them more than you do me as if i wasn't you best friend first. like that didn't mean something -- like it never did. "
shuuzou came to makoto. not the other way around.
he chokes back his tears, wiping them away with his wrist as he sniffles. he's so sick of crying, actually. " because you replaced me with tatsuya, and then kazuya, and now i don't know where i stand or why you keep clinging onto the past as if we're the same as we used to be. i'm not the same. you're not the same. i know that, and i hate it, but it is what it is, so i accepted it, but you keep acting like you want to put me into some box -- like you don't want me to grow. "
and it's suffocating and makoto hates it and he hates that he has to say any of this anyway.
" and mom was pregnant-- " makoto's largest stressor, truly. " she was almost three months, shuu. " he pauses, heaving in a large gulp of air. " or she would have been, but something happened, and she just told me like two weeks ago-- i knew she was and just when i came to terms with that, she lost it and i didn't -- don't -- know what to do or say or think and i've just been keeping it to myself because she didn't want you guys to know since she didn't want to worry you and it's just been slowly killing me and i took everything out on you and i'm sorry. "
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✨🌿🤲🎀☯
(My deepest apologies to the people who sent me asks for this meme which have now been sitting in my inbox for three weeks.)
✨What’s a fic you’ve posted you wish you could breathe life into again and have people talking about it? (or simply a fic you wish got more credit)
You know what, since this question is basically a sneaky excuse to self-rec old fics 😉 ...I'm gonna shout out my main Kimbalina series, Inroads. (It's a series of one-shots that wraps up with a longfic, which probably could have been all one even longer fic if I had planned it that way from the start buuuut I did not that. I still think it's pretty good!) Kimbalina kind of fell out of its heyday once the Chorus trilogy was over, and I understand why, but it's still one of my favorite RvB ships and just favorite ships of all time, period. Writing this series let me explore so many of my favorite things about RvB! War and politics and Carolina and loss and grief and Carolina and women with huge messy complex trauma and anger and trouble communicating. And Kimball. And Carolina. And an ensemble cast of characters who care about each other but still don't always know how to do that right. And Carolina. This series is still really close to my heart, and I'm not at all unhappy with the readership it had! But I won't pass up the opportunity to put it out there once again.
🌿how does creating make you feel?
Alive. Real. Comprehensible.
🤲what do YOU get out of writing?
I honestly feel like writing is something I can't not do. If I wasn't writing fiction I'd be writing something. I think almost entirely in words, and writing is a way of making my thoughts solid. It's how I make sense of myself and life and the world. It helps me remember things and gives meaning to memory. Like not to be dramatic but the answer to what I get out of writing is everything. I can't imagine not doing it.
🎀give yourself a compliment about your own writing
I FINISH SHIT! It certainly isn't going to be perfect, but I can make it a complete Thing! Finishing is a skill and it's one I worked hard at and I'm proud of it!
☯️ how do you think engaging with each other through tumblr, twitter, comments, kudos, creates healthy fandom experiences? How do you deal with that if you’re not a social person/experience social anxiety
I truly do love fandom community and the sharing of creativity that goes on here. It's not just about having an audience for your own work, but about sharing creative energy with others. I might have completely different tastes and interests that someone else and maybe we're never going to read each other's work but we can still enjoy talking about writing and sharing our enthusiasm for our projects and fandoms.
I do think it is important as a creator to learn self-motivation--which sometimes sounds like I'm saying you shouldn't care about getting readers/viewers or feedback, but that's not what I mean. We share our work to find connection, and feedback is a part of that, and I myself do try to be a pretty active reader and commenter and reblogger and reccer! I love receiving feedback on my work, same as anyone. But when I'm actually writing, I don't think about comments that much. I focus on the story I want to exist--the shape it will take, the moments and beats that are meaningful to me. I get excited about the story itself, not about how people may or may not react to it, and I find that a better motivator, personally, than "I need to finish this so I can post it and get comments."
As for the social aspects of fandom, all social media has its highs and lows and I think to engage with it in a healthy way you kind of have to be intentional about it. You get to decide how big a part of your life it is and if it's affecting you in a negative way, it's ultimately up to you to change the way you engage with it.
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I was born a girl. The experience of being a girl is unlike anything. I've played with makeup since I was 4 years old. I had ugly white block heel mary janes that I had to beg my mom to let me wear to school. They had a frilly flower on them and pearls I believe. My mother always called them hideous and it hurt my feelings because I loved them so much. They made me feel like a girl. I put on purple eye shadow, blush, lip gloss that tasted like cherry candy and my white mary jane child's church shoes that never set foot in a church and felt so whole for once. People think you can't feel empty as a child but I think you can. I remember this awful, inescapable restless feeling overcoming me while I was laying on my stomach on the couch in our family room watching Barney on the tv. I don't know what that was or why it happened but I remember it so vividly. I remember being scared that that feeling would last forever, I feel like that now too. But it never does and it won't. Sometimes the feelings linger for a while but I tell myself they aren't forever. I think about why I felt like that when I was 4, did other children feel like that?
Sometimes I wished I was less of a girl. I wished I liked lizards and turtles. I wished I liked swimming in lakes and stepping in mud. I wished I liked red but it was a boys color to me. I like red now, it's not a boys color. I went fishing with my dad and my sister but I was always hoping the time would start moving faster so we could go home. I wished I liked sneakers. I wish I didn't care about love so much.
I've wanted love from a very young age and I don't know where I learned it from. It's the only thing I've consistently desired in life. As everything fades and I grow and my mind changes, I still find myself aching for this experience I haven't found yet. It's felt like an eternity, it hasn't been. In my mind I'm still 16 because of this. Someone should love you when you're 16, but it's okay if it doesn't happen. Sometimes I wonder if this is a sign to do something loveless. To go in an opposite direction. To become a nun or something spiritual where I cannot experience love as the modern knows it. I've never been spiritual like that, I wasn't raised around religion. I prayed to God every night when I was 11 because my friend taught me how. Forehead, chest, and shoulders. Please keep my friends and family safe. I have only been to church a few times after a sleepover, but I was always bored out of my mind, except once when the sunlight was coming in through the windows and the air was warm, and everyone was reading something together. I mouthed words because I didn't know what was being said and I didn't want to read.
I've only had one boyfriend who wasn't my boyfriend. I used to bring him chocolate as a gift. During that time and for about a year after I felt so spiritual. I felt connected to the earth, I felt like I could talk to a higher being through car headlights and streetlights going out around me. This still happens to me now but I don't think anything of it. I haven't talked to anyone in years, I just can't and when I try to the subject seems to change. If I have I don't remember it. It happens 3 hours into a phone call when I'm tired and I say anything and I just want to hang up and lay in bed. I love when my friends call me, I love that we still call each other. I don't recognize who I was 4 years ago, and I think that's okay, I just wish I wasn't embarrassed by her. She's just a girl trying to experience love for the first time. I miss it, it's better than being here sometimes. Although I can't go back and I don't really want to.
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Snippet of an upcoming Bakukami fic I'm writing. Tell me your thoughts
A/N: This is a work in progress and definitely needs a few changes. I'm posting it here to ask if I should continue and finish this. It's such a dumb idea but I just wanted some feedback.
Denki didn't really have the best luck in his dating life. Out of all his friends, he had the worst luck.
Now, he didn't have no experience, just very little and even that wasn't a lot. He had gone on a few dates with people here and there but he had come to realise that he preferred befriending the person he was dating before actually dating them.
Because of that he had very little luck in dating. He's had his fair share of crushes. More than a few cause he can't help but crush on anyone that he thinks is cool.
But he really thought that this would be the one. He thought that he would finally land a partner.
Denki had befriended Shinsou back in their first year and started flirting with him at the beginning of second year. Towards the middle off second year, he had asked out Shinsou on a date.
By then he had gone on a couple of dates. He had gone with friends, who he asked out and they politely went on one or two dates with him. He almost got a record of how many classmates he dated because he dated a good couple of them.
Even managed to get some dates from students in other classes. But they usually never got past the first date. So he was confident that he could get past 3 dates with Shinsou, maybe even start actually dating him.
And he did. He had gone on two dates with Shinsou. And everything was going good with them. Until, it kinda hadn't.
To Denki, there wasn't anything that went wrong. He just assumed that Shinsou stopped liking being around Denki because he wouldn't be sitting in the common room staring at his phone at the text Shinsou had sent him.
Shinsou: I won't be able to make it to the date today. Got caught up in something
Shinsou: We can reschedule for another day if you want?
Denki sighed and put his phone down upside down. He knew that Shinsou lost interest. That's how most of his dates had gone if they didn't want to go on another. That or they were nice enough to tell him they weren't interested in more.
Which really sucked for Denki because he had already booked a restaurant in advance for this and even got dressed a little early in excitement.
He was so excited because he was gonna ask Shinsou to officially date him after the date and hoped it would go good.
"Hey Denks, another failed date?" Sero asked, hoping over the couch to sit with his friend.
"Yeah, you could say that." Denki said, turning to look at his friend.
"Did Shinsou turn you down? You look sad while dressed up so I can't assume much." Denki sometimes wish that he didn't confide in Sero as much as he did because of course he would know that it was Shinsou related.
"Yeah. I don't think he's interested in me." Denki said as he showed Sero the message he got.
"Oh, shoot man. I'm sorry about that." Sero said, giving Denki a side hug who smiled a little and leaned into it.
"Eh, its fine. I feel like I set myself up for failure." Sero punched Denki lightly at that statement.
"Nah. I think everyone is an idiot for not wanting to date you." Sero stated confidently and Denki laughed lightly at that.
"Does that include you too? Considering you didn't want to date me cause you like our resident powerhouse." Denki mentioned.
"Yep, even me. Speaking of, I told Midoriya that we'd do some homework together so I gotta head up now." Sero said as he got up.
"Uh huh, I see how it is. You're just gonna ditch me and leave me to wallow in my self pity." Denki teased and Sero laughed while heading to the kitchen.
"Yeah, you can tell me all about the self pity later. I have a study date to get to." Sero said, heading to the elevators with a few snacks in his arm and Denki sighed lightly.
He decided to hang out in the common room instead of doing anything else, just kind of scrolling on his phone as he sat there. People came and went, some greeting him but none really engaging in conversation with him.
"Fuckin Sparky. What're you doing in the fucking common room all dressed up?" Bakugou asked as he entered the common room.
"Was supposed to go on a date with Shinsou. He cancelled ten minutes ago so now I have nothing to do. I had a reservation at a restuaraunt but I think I gotta cancel." Denki casually said, half looking up at Bakugou.
"When's the reservation for?" Bakugou asked and Denki looked up at Bakugu fully.
"Uh, it's in like 30 to 40 minutes I think." Denki remembered and Bakugou nodded.
"Noted." Bakugou said as he went to the elevators. Denki shrugged it off and grabbed his charger, plugging it into his phone.
He put the other end in his mouth and lightly let out volts enough to charge his phone. He kept scrolling through tiktok and instagram before he got bored and put his phone down, looking up at the cieling again.
Denki didn't know how much time had passed, he was pretty sure a good bit did, but he was startled by Bakugou's face appearing over him.
"Come on." Bakugou stated and Denki sat up, confused. Luckily Bakugou had backed up by then and they didn't knock heads but they were very close to.
"What do you mean come on? I don't remember making plans." Denki stated and Bakugou gruffed a little.
"No, but you have a stupid fucking reservation at a place that I fucking know you like because you've talked about it a good couple of times. So to not let it go to fucking waste, I'll go with you if none of these shitty extras are going to." Bakugou said and this confused Denki more.
"It's fine dude. I was gonna cancel it and I don't care that much." Denki said as he got up.
"Fuck that. You've been talking about this all fucking week. If some stupid extra ain't going to go with you, then I will. I don't give a shit. Now get your shoes on and let's go. We gotta go to Aizawa for permission to go off-campus." Bakugou said and Denki smiled slightly.
Well, he had nothing to lose so he might as well go with a friend. At least he can say he got to go on a half-date with Bakugou. Denki put his shoes on and made his way to the door with Bakugou.
They made their way to the teacher's building and asked Aizawa to go off campus for a bit, giving the address to Aizawa just in case anything happened. This was more of a formality as they were more than capable of taking care of themselves, but it was for emergencies sake.
"I still don't know why you decided to come with me. I could have cancelled." Denki stated and Bakugou huffed.
"Because if that mindfucker is going to stand you up, then you deserve to actually have some sort of a good night. It aint fucking fair for you to plan all this and get basically ditched last minute." Bakugou explained and Denki laughed lightly.
"I didn't know you cared." Denki teased and Bakugou huffed.
"Of fucking course I do. You guys decided to attatch yourselves to me last year and now we are, unfortunately, friends. Im fucking stuck with you idiots." Bakugou stated and Denki smiled lightly.
"Well it's nice to hear that you actually think of me as a friend." Denki said as they got to the restuarant.
Denki and Bakugou went up to the host, Denki giving his name for his reservation and being led to a booth where they sat across from each other.
"Sorry, this was more reserved with a date in mind. If it makes you uncomfortable we can leave and go somewhere else." Denki apologised and Bakugou rolled his eyes.
"It's fucking fine. I know what it was reserved for and you have nothing to apologise for. I fucking decided to come with you instead so I don't care." Bakugou said as they looked over their menus.
"Oh, I think you should get this. It's got a good amount of spice and I know you like spice. Plus you can always ask for it to be extra spicy." Denki said, pointing at a menu item, showing it to Bakugou.
"This is your favourite restaurant so I'm fucking trusting you." Bakugou, seeming settled on Denki's recommendation. Denki beamed that Bakugou trusted him with the recommendation and settled on his option.
The waiter soon approached them and they both gave their orders. Once the waiter left, they fell into a silence. But Denki didn't want to just sit there in silence.
"Didn't you come back from training when you saw me in the common room?" Denki questioned and Bakugou nodded.
"Yeah. Saw you fucking pouting or whatever in the common room so I came to see what happened." Bakugou said and Denki furrowed his eyebrows.
"So, you went and had a shower and got changed in all of like, twenty minutes. Just because I was sulking?" Denki asked.
"Yeah. It wasn't fucking hard." Bakugou said.
"I can't believe you even got dressed up for it. Man you didn't have to do this." Denki said and Bakugou lifted an eyebrow.
"Yeah, it was fucking necessary. If you were gonna be dressed up then I'm gonna look 10x better." Bakugou said.
Denki laughed and they fell into silence.
"Do you really think that I don't think of you as my friend?" Bakugou asked.
"Huh. What brought this up?" Denki asked.
"Earlier. You fucking said something like you thought it was nice that I finally thought of you as a friend." Bakugou recalled and Denki stared at Bakugou in thought for a second before recalling their small conversation on the walk.
"Oh, yeah. Well, it's not that I don't think of you as a friend. It's that sometimes that you are a little hard to read so between all the insults and angry words, I can't really identify the line between friends and classmates." Denki explained and Bakugou huffed.
"Of course we're fucking friends. Don't doubt me for a second." Bakugou declared and Denki laughed.
"Okay, I won't doubt it again." Denki said between a few giggles.
"Did you do your homework?" Bakugou asked, which caused Denki to pause. He laughed sheepishly at that and Bakugou rolled his eyes, knowing the answer.
"Look, I got way to excited for this and then decided to do it later after the date so I didn't lose my excitement. I realise it's a stupid thing to do but I thought it was a good idea at the time. I promise I'll do it when I get back." Denki rambled and Bakugou sighed.
#Bakukami#Kamibaku#kaminari#bakugou#denki#katsuki#denki kaminari#bakugo katsuki#my hero academia#mha#bakugou x kaminari#bnha#boku no hero academia#snippet
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