yes, i'm mad. neurotic. insane. erratic. but that doesn't make my experiences false or wrong. my reality is just as important and real and meaningful as the sane's. my feelings, thoughts, and actions matter. i deserve the same decency and respect as others. i am not a mistake, i do not need to be cured. nature made me. i am alive. i exist, and i am not going anywhere.

I don't want to be neurotic or insecure or anything, but I'm worrying nobody (or next to nobody) has seen my posts. And that's upsetting, because I've probably made at least 5-6 new posts today. So for my own peace of mind, can you tell me that you've seen my posts today. At least people saw them will make me a tiny bit better. I'll probably still end up wishing my posts had more notes, leading to me futilely reposting the same thing over and over. That seems to be a trend with me.

With Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse coming out this week, I decided to take an old sketch I made, clean it up and finish it for fun. It is, of course, an homage to the now-classic "Spider-Man #1" cover by Todd McFarlane.  (And yeah, I KNOW that comic was adjective-less, but it felt funnier this way.)

Under the silver lake, 2018

“The neurotic, no matter whether productive or obstructed, suffers fundamentally from the fact that he cannot or will not accept himself, his own individuality, his own personality. On one hand he criticizes himself to excess, on the other he idealizes himself to excess, which means that he makes too great demands on himself and his completeness, so that failing to attain leads only to more self-criticism. If we take this thwarted type as we may do for our purpose, and compare him to the artist, it is at once clear that the artist is, in a sense, the antithesis to the self-critical, neurotic type. Not that the artist does not criticize himself, but by accepting his personality, he not only fulfills that for which the neurotic is striving in vain, but goes far beyond it. The precondition, then, of the creative personality is not only acceptance, but it’s actually glorification of itself.”

—Dr. Otto Rank on Art and Artist, found in Anaïs Nin’s Diaries, Volume One

Why are people surprised when TRANSBIAN yearning is in fact a trans lesbian and why does it always result in an immediate block

Emptiness

Empty is the best adjective i could use right now

I feel so so so so empty, almost as if I'm a soulless corpse and i don't like it. I want to enjoy life just as much as other people. I want to be just like everyone. I want to have many friends. I want to have a boyfriend. I want to go outdoors without freaking out, without stressing over people's stares. I want to live carelessly and happy. I want to go to the sea with a boy. I want to go on cute dates. I want to get married one day and adopt dogs. Maybe even wolves, if I'm able to live in the woods. I want to enjoy everything but it's hard to do so.

These days, jorking it doesn't even help. It's pathetic and makes me feel guilty. Watching otome gameplays, listening to boyfriend podcasts, chatting with AI's.... it makes me happy but only temporarily. It's not real. It's not as fun as reality would be. I'm really bored. All i do to relieve anxiety and depression is pretending I'm living another life. Maybe I'm no better than a neet. No, that would be underestimating their misery. I really wish things weren't the way they are. I feel a lot of sympathy and empathy toward neets, hikkis, losers, out casts, incels, weirdos and such. At the end of the day I'm not really different. I wish i could somehow help them.

They're not horrible, just lonely. Life isn't easy on them, i think. Not everyone is perfect.

I think i wish for attention and pity. I wouldn't normally like to be pitied, but I'd just like someone to care. To understand how i feel, to listen to me, to comfort me.

I like music. I think it sort of helps me. It doesn't hurt me, it almost understands me, and way better than humans.

I hope i won't be a loser for too long. I hope it's just a phase, puberty maybe.

I have to be more grateful for what i have already...

RAaggyjhhgchaahsajatjruuyfe3yeyutg

I finally drew her

The one thing I think I could legitimately see myself wanting to do if I had any political clout whatsoever: I'd seek to censor Scary Material. Maybe not outright ban it, but make it so much easier for people who hate it to avoid it. I'm talking abilities to completely hide scary things from your vision when you're online, I'm talking banning it from all the main cable channels, I'm talking about finding ways to minimise the damage horror can do to people with sensitive nerves. In some ways, it sounds like I'm saying horror should be kind of treated similarly to how people treat stuff like porn. And I guess I kind of am. If sexually explicit material is blocked by parental controls and isn't allowed to be seen on the airwaves, then horror shouldn't be either. It's as simple as that.

Unfortunately, due to things, I will be displaying behaviors.

Me, chill? Hah, absolutely not, never. Complete and utter basket case.

However I refuse to make that anyone else's business or problem.

Gray

Neurotic is my favorite song of his week lol

The middle part where he does his long notes it's kinda... Sad? Like he's letting out all his anger by crying or smth, and idk it's kinda sad TvT

But it kinda makes sense, Neuroticism is a dimension of vulnerability or emotional sensitivity that predisposes the person to be more emotionally unstable, especially in the face of negative emotions. These people experience emotional pain in an excessive way.

And it starts with the lack of emotional support or exposure to traumatic events during childhood.

The good thing about my autism is that it makes me kinda sensitive to sensations and a bit neurotic, so if something feels gross I’m definitely gonna clean it.