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yuvon-writes-letters · 3 years

Note

Hey guys,

Yu, Rai and both Jakes.

Actually..If I talk about my feelings I'm pretty well. Don't tell Jake I said that, but I couldn't be happier about our situation. I mean, we can talk again. Without me being kidnapped and finding a weird Tumblr profile of him. (Which we think was a set up by one of the entities of my world since he obviously doesn't have one. Jake thinks it was goldies doing, I on the other hand don't believe that. Don't ask me why, but it feels like goldie wouldn't do that. And it didn't help me either but only made problems. I was distracted because I was writing the profile (you read it, right Yu? I don't know about the others) and angry. Like, really angry.)

Putting that aside, Jake called me, like he promised :) And it was the longest phone call I had for some time. Most of the time I talked and he didn't get distracted once, just listened to me and everything that happened. And then he started cursing, which is kind of understandable. He apologised for being into stasis. And for this other version from before the 'time setting back' thing. Because I don't find a name I'll call it TSB from now on.

The only problem I have now is going to work, I guess I'll take me some vacation...But at least I'm not as scared of the raven-ass anymore. I mean, I still am, but in the moment I know his steps. And I am not alone.

Jake, I intentionally write the next part in red, please don't read it. That's for Yu.

I know you think that Jake sees you as a threat. If it still is like you wrote in the letter. Jake knows that, too and he doesn't like it. You know him better than I do, of course, but without saying too much...I think it's quite the opposite. Talk to him about that. Even though it's probably not the best circumstances I think he enjoys being with you :)

The next part, purple (damn, I need more coloured pens), is for you Jake.

You already told me that you don't like that Yu thinks you see her as a threat. I only have to say one thing, if it still is like that, talk to her about it. Earlier than later.

The new thoughts about the blood ritual are really interesting. But please don't put yourself in this danger (or not, but I think it's understandable what I mean?) if it isn't necessary. But I also agree with Rai, I thought the same thing for a while. That you desired having someone, Jake, with you. It sounds plausible.

What more was there...Wait, let me reread the letters.

Oh yeah, Rai! One, till now my crow crew seems to still be in stasis (Jake realised that now, too) and two..Please try to take care of your health, yeah? I'm worried for you.

Lis🐾🔥

Ps. Damn...I'm writing this exactly when I wanted to leave the house (I mean, I sadly cannot hide my face forever).

Two new things...I got a message. I mean, it was a threat (because I am the obviously the bad girl that kidnapped Hannah), but I don't care. Maybe that means the stasis is slowly dissolving!

But number 2...I didn't get the vacation. My boss called me almost immediatly. "Under no circumstances [a word is blacked out] Liska. We have July and Alice, Tim and Jenny all want to take free time, too. You are one of our best workers and we can't afford you leaving now. You have no children so you have to wait. Also Max told me that you don't have any problems in family."

So long story short: He wants me to be there tomorrow. Argh, if he would pay me like he's talking that would awesome. And I'll kill Max when I see him next time. (My cousin that thought it was fun to try and steal my work so we both got the rank of 'one of the best workers'. The only problem: Max' title is official. -.- Overall, I'm so much more annoyed than some time earlier. Maybe I should ask Jake for help

Lis,

Okay, the Crow Crew drama is fading a bit, so I'll answer this now. Sorry if I seem disjointed at all, I'm probably going to be going back and forth from conversations to this letter a lot. I can't afford to have them all think I'm compromised, I need to focus on getting out of here and I don't want to deal with their pressure on top of everything else.

Yeah, I don't think the Tumblr profile was Goldie either. Goldie seems to try to be very much a "hands off" sort of entity, like my own. The Tumblr profile thing seems a little out of character for at least my Jake. At least, publicly answering your submission certainly was, though he may have panicked since you sent it in on anon and answered publicly without really thinking about it. I guess I could see him having a Tumblr profile for purposes of following people on social media and watching what they post, though. And then deciding he likes the media and posting a little bit of impersonal things that can't lead back to him. Probably my Jake will say something about that when I hand this letter over to him, stay tuned.

Yeah, I at least read some of the things you sent that profile, and I showed what I had to my Jake too. I'm not sure if I read all of it, since it was a bunch of printed-out screenshots in an envelope, but I read the ask where you told him you hated him (fair at that point but ouch that's got to have hurt) up to when you said you'd found Hannah. After that you sent me your letter telling me time had turned back and the Tumblr screenshots ended.

I'm glad you and Jake managed to talk things out. I was sort of worried about how he'd react, but it sounds like he took it pretty well, considering. I'm... not exactly sure he should be apologizing for the stasis, though. Or the TSB!Jake. Maybe especially not the TSB!Jake. Jakes seem to be oddly different from timeline to timeline, just based on what I've seen of them. TSB has been one of the most different so far.

Oh. One thing I should mention that you might not have seen from the profile: The MWAF used your phone to mock the TSB account, and mentioned that TSB wasn't the only person who could hack, and the MWAF blocked TSB from finding your location. Might want to warn your Jake about that.

A vacation sounds like a good idea :/ It's really hard to go back to normal life right after tragedies or trauma. It feels like the world keeps moving on and you're still stuck in place, and you just want to scream at them that they need to slow down, can't they see that the world is

Good. I'm glad you don't feel alone. It's easier to deal with this stuff when you're with someone else, even if it's not physically.

(Jake, my Jake I mean, if you're reading over my parts of these letters skip to the ||| now please.) I'm not saying he doesn't also enjoy my company. I can tell he does. That doesn't make me not a threat. Like how early on I suspected Thomas, but still thought he was a nice guy and enjoyed talking to him. (Obviously I don't suspect him any more XD ) Still, if you think I should talk with him about it, I'll try to find a tactful way to bring it up.

Yes, because obviously tact is my greatest strength. Sigh.

Like I said to Rai, the underlying desire thing is definitely possible. That'd either mean I'm more obvious about how I feel for Jake than I think I am (very possible, I'm not great at hiding how I feel in person) or the entity has some level of telepathy/mind reading. The reason is that chessboard. Since Jake likes chess, it's clear at least to me the entity expected him to come here at some point. I THINK, if the underlying desire thing is true, I can manipulate myself into wanting specific things by doing things like writing it over and over and repeating it out loud when doing the ritual, but I'm not sure.

|||

It's probably good that your Crow Crew is in stasis, like how it's objectively probably good my outside life is going on without me. Less drama, less pressure.

Huh. The harassment is definitely a promising sign. Maybe you should try contacting Darkness again, same way as I suggested near the beginning? That feels so long ago, but it really can't have been much more than a week, can it?

You... didn't get the vacation. Fucking hell. Is there ANY way you can convince your boss? You really should have time off. Maybe your Jake can help you come up with ideas.

Or at least maybe he can come up with a way to have your boss give you a bonus for your trouble -_-

Oh shit Cleo's interrogating me I'm gonna hand this to Jake now

(The handwriting changes to Jake's.) Hello, Lis.

I agree with Yuvon: "TSB" acts markedly different from myself. There would be no benefit from me promising to be there to find you in the moment, and indeed I would have been falling for a very transparent trap. Even in my possible state of panic, I cannot see myself being there physically, much less revealing myself physically to authorities in the process, unless I was playing the role of bait in a counter-trap. While it is plausible that this was TSB's plan, TSB gave no indication that Yuvon or I could tell that this was the case. Of course, I would have done my best to be there physically in the aftermath of the kidnapping, but not in the moment.

I also agree that the Tumblr profile seems to be out of character for both myself and for "Goldie", though I hesitate to judge TSB's actions by what I myself would do. I seem to vary in surprising ways across universes and even from timeline to timeline, based solely on your current Jake's reactions thus far. I do actually own a Tumblr profile for the exclusive purpose of following social medias I wish to track, but I used a random username generator website for the username and not my own name, and I certainly never posted anything.

The news about the MWAF being able to hack is new to me; I must have missed that the first time I read through the screenshots. That is quite troubling. I suppose I will need to be more careful in future.

I am sincerely sorry your request for a vacation was rejected. I do not know how much you intend to separate your personal life and the Duskwood case, but if your stasis is truly wavering, you may be able to reveal some measure of the danger you are in to convince him to let you flee the area for a small while. Especially since you mentioned in your Tumblr post that you saw a raven note in your wor

Oh.

You need to leave that place. Now. Do not inform your employer of the danger you are in, reveal nothing to him or to anyone, take unpaid time off if you need to. Get your cousin and anyone else you care overly much about out of there too. Invalidate any information you can your employer or coworkers knows about you. Do not tell the truth to anyone, even your cousin. Make up any excuses you need to, ask your Jake for help with ideas if you need to. You may also wish to check that the coworkers your boss listed who are going on vacation are ACTUALLY going on vacation.

This is a priority, Liska. You need to tell your Jake all of this too, especially the part with the note in your workplace. You need to get out of there.

Good luck.

—Jake & Yuvon

(The letter tucks itself into the paper clip with the others.)

#duskwood letter game #yuvon writes letters #duskwood #duskwood game #duskwood everbyte #duskwood jake #lis

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fireopal-tash · 4 years

Text

MY FAULT!

IT'S MY FAULT!!

When Steven run away from Homeworld he just wanted to be alone, he wanted to feel safe and far from people he could hurt. And that's when he arrived at the least expected place. The Garden. Forgotten and broken. Like Spinel... I don't want to think about it.

This place was far from where he would have wanted to be, but he knew no one would be able to find him. Ever.

And oh, he was feeling so horrible... He was taller, and bigger, reminding him of what he did to Jasper. He could notice the pink all over him. It was horrifying. It was painful. Steven took off his jacket, feeling trapped.

"I don't want it!" he screamed desperate while trying to control himself "I don't want this. I don't want this power or whatever diamond-thing this is..." he groaned in pain. But he could not control it. Didn't know how. He couldn't get rid of this awful feeling that haunted him.

pinkpinkpinkpinkpinkpinkpinkpinkpinkpinkpinkpinkpinkpinkPINK

"Please..." the hybrid sobbed "just please, stop"

PINKPINKPINKPINKPINKPINKPINKPINKPINKPINKPINKPINKPINKPINK

"STOP IT! I'M OKAY! EVERYTHING'S OKAY! I. JUST. NEED. TO STOP IT!!" Steven screamed again. And again. And again. Like a broken record. He needed to stop it and come back home. Everyone must be so worried, and so mad with him. Disappointed. Furious "No! They are not! They... They would never... The gems love me" A monster " No. No. No. Nonononono! I'm not!" But I am. I did that to her. I shattered Jasper. And I almost did the same to White "No!" I am a monster.

"Steven?"

Everything went silent.

Someone he knew was there. Here. With him. "Nononono I'm danger. I'm dangerous. Keep safe. Keep them safe" mumbled the young man, not quite aware of what was going on. Nor of who was there.

"Steven!" a pink little gem ran where Steven was. Not sure of what was happening to him. Not sure of what she could do to help "I should have told the Diamonds about this place. I should have made them come with me. Oh, what am I gonna do!?" Spinel was feeling anxious, her hands above Steven, not quiet touching him.

PINKPINKPINKPINKPINKPINKPINKPINKPINKPINKPINKPINKPINKPINK

"Steven, come one, tell me what's wrong. Tell me what to do" she said hastily "Let me help ya'!" the heart-shaped gem dropped feeling useless to the ground, her hands into fists, a flip flop in one of her hands held tightly. Shaking "I even got your foot thong thingy!" she replied smiling weakly at the incoherent mumbles of Steven "So please, talk to me" The murmurs stopped.

"...Spinel?" came the raspy voice. Steven was confuse. What was she doing there? She shouldn't be in the garden. It was dangerous. HE was dangerous. But the pain stopped, so it was okay. He was still pink though. Remain calm.

"Yes. Yes, Steven, it's me. Your best friend Spinel, remember?" her voice was still shaking, still with a big smile on her face and trying (failing) to cheer him up. She looked at Steven's face, or tried to. The hybrid looked away, not wanting to be seen like this. Like a mess. And Pink.

He didn't want to frighten her.

"I'm okay" he said, more to himself than her "Why are you here?"

"Why...? Steven, everyone's worried about ya'. When you... left Homeworld, the Diamonds and I went to Earth. We thought that you would be there. We wanted to know why you left so suddenly... But your friends, they said ya' never came back. So I'm here. I wasn't sure, really, but you are here" she explained giggling. Kinda nervous. Kinda glad she was right.

"Yes. I'm here, and now you should leave"

"W-what...!? Why?? If I did something bad just tell me!" Spinel had had a bad feeling since the start, and she ignored it. Never again.

"It's not... that. You didn't do anything" he tried to explain.

"I didn't... So that's why. You wanted our help, and I just" tears appeared in her eyes " meesed everything up. I was being stupid again. I should have tried to listen to ya'. I-I should have..."

"Stop! This is not YOUR FAULT. IT'S MINE!" the brunette exclaimed. He was losing control. And then he looked her in the face. His eyes were deep pink, his pupils withe diamond-shaped. Snarling.

Spinel screamed.

"I-I'm sorry! I'm sorry Spinel" Steven apologised immediately. Nonono. He did it. He scared her. And now she won't even want to be here. I don't want to be alone... Steven held his own body, trying to hide himself. Trying to protect himself. His back hurt.

"Steven. I'm okay, see? It's alright. You just surprised me!" Spinel came closer, sitting next to him "I'm still here"

"You shouldn't..." he said, tired "But I don't want to be alone" his voice broke.

"I want to be here with you. You were there for me when I needed, so I will be here for you"

"No, you're wrong" Steven shacked his head "I don't need anyone. People need ME. I only need to help. To be... useful"

"You're so stubborn..." whispered Spinel without thinking.

"I'm n- Maybe I am" the hybrid hold himself even tighter "I'm stubborn. I'm useless. I'm a monster" he recited.

"Wha'?? Nooo. Of course not! You're... perfect, and kind!" replied the pink gem.

"No, I'm not. You don't even know the horrible things I did." he was getting angry. Control yourself.

"Then tell me!" Steven kept silent "Steven" nothing "Steven...?" still nothing "Steven!" she tried one last time.

"Ugh! Enough! You want to know? Okay, I'll tell you all the bad things I did. I tried to help the gems in little Homeworld and I failed. I tried gardening and I failed again. I decided to do some training with Jasper and I... shattered her!"

"Wh-"

"And I almost shattered White Diamond too! One of your friends now. So yeah, I am a monster! My fault! It's my fault!" he finished with a growl. He was feeling that same pain again. And for some reason it was even worse... It was too much. He needed to ger rid of that feeling somehow. So, he did what he thought was best. He hit the ground with all his might. Bad idea.

When Steven looked up again, Spinel was still there. Watching him. Not... scared, exactly, but worried. Her eyes wide open.

"I'm s-"

"Stop apologising" she pleaded "You're not okay. You feel bad. And you did bad things. As I did. I tried to kill you, and your planet. I rejuvenated your friends. All because of the pain I felt. You're not alone, Steven" Spinel was crying again. She, more than anyone, knew what it was like to feel like a monster. "So stop saying that. Because if you are a monster then what am I?"

"Spinel..." Steven felt guilty. He was supposed to be better... but Spinel made him realised something. Everyone he has ever met made mistakes. He was not perfect. Not even White was perfect. He was... just a kid. He felt like a kid. Even Spinel was a kid, in a way. She never had the time to grow up, like most gems he knew of. Always alone and trapped. Lapis experienced the same and she was okay. She was better now. She had him and Peridot. And he had a family, and friends. Spinel is also a friend now, he noticed "I need help" the hybrid confessed. His tears falling down on the ground "You're right. I'm not okay and I need help. So, will you help me? I... I think it's time to go home. I miss them..."

"Of course, Steven" the heart-shaped gem replied, relieved. Both stood up and hold each other. With a timid smile, Spinel looked at Steven "You know, now that we are friends I could visit you from time to time" she tried to joke.

"Spinel, you're always welcome to Earth" said the brunette with a small smile.

~TheEnd~

I wanted this two to talk with each other. They are so similar that I just... needed this. So here I am xD But also, I wanted to do this for the other fans who also wanted this to happen~ UwU <3

If this is a ship or not, it depends on the reader, so not hate please!

Hope you all like it! And sorry for any mistakes, I'm Spanish ^w^'

#corruption #corrupted steven fanart #corrupted steven universe #su spinel #spinel #shatter #Spinel shattered #steven quartz universe #steven universe fanart #steven universe #su steven #steven universe quartz cutie pie de mayo diamond #steven universe spinel #FireOpal-tash #short story #short fiction #spinel su #steven and spinel #hurt/comfort

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juminsmysticmc · 4 years

Note

I'm so glad requests are open again! Your headcanons are my favorite and thank you sooo much for writing them. :3 Now then.. if you don't mind.. Please write headcanons of how many kids would each RFA member would have with MC, after how many years would they have kids with her (since they started dating) and the kids gender and age gap if there's more than one. GIMME SOME BABIES FROM MY BAES! Thank you. (๑•ᴗ•๑)♡

How long afterwards the RFA have children with Mc and their genders

Hiii my love~ I think that you’re also a long follower of mine~ thank you for this compliment! I hope I will stay your favourite forever XD

So, you’re mean~ you know how much I like these kind of Headcanons!!! I hope you enjoy them! Make sure to tell me your opinion, okay?

Jumin

Everyone was surprised that you didn’t get pregnant after the honeymoon.

But Jumin Han, of course, was a responsible man.

It wasn’t his body after all, and he wanted to wait for your approval. So, six months after the honeymoon when you confessed that you would like to become a mom, he didn’t wait long.

Your pregnancy wasn’t the most comfortable one.

When you were three months into your pregnancy you fell, hurting your hip pretty bad.

It was a shock for Jumin when he saw you fall in front of his eyes.

,,I‘m sorry...“ he whispered one night.

,,What for...?“ you asked him while rubbing your eyes.

,,For not being able to make you enjoy your pregnancy...“ he said.

Of course you also caught the flu.

But as if that wasn't enough, your water broke three weeks too early.

,,The umbilical cord is around the baby‘s neck...“ the doctor said to Jumin.

Luckily the doctors did their best to save his little boy.

But this was such a horrible experience that, in his opinion, one child was more than enough.

But God had another idea when you found out you were pregnant nine years later.

,,This time, I will do everything fine so that you can enjoy your pregnancy...“ the CEO smiled when you told him.

Even your little boy, who resembled Jumin a lot, tried his best to make you stay as comfortable as possible.

His little sister, nine month later, was all he wished for.

,,Look how sweet they are...“ you told Jumin five years later when you stroked your belly and observed the siblings sleeping.

,,Soon this little boy while sleep between them,“ he chuckled and lead you back to your bedroom where he made sure that you stayed warm.

Zen

,,Baby take my hand~ I want you to be my best friend 'cause you’re my Iron Man and I love you 3000~

Baby take a chance 'cause I want this to be something straight out of a Hollywood movie~

See you standing there, and nothing compares, and all I can think is ,,where is the ring?“~“ you sang while Zen stood outside, watching you dancing to the newly released song by your favourite singer.

All Zen could do was chuckle.

The two of you would have your third anniversary as a couple this year and you just waited for his proposal.

,,That’s more than a signal, Princess.“ he suddenly exclaimed and approached you.

You smiled.

Of course you tried to tell him something, but you also knew that he wanted to wait until his parents accepted him.

Two years later, you desperately sat on the edge of the toilet with a pregnancy in your trembling hands, having crazy thoughts.

His carrier was currently what he always wished for and his parents still couldn’t accept him.

,,I should leave, yeah.“ you decided while packing your stuff hastily.

,,Where to?“ he suddenly asked you, making you shriek.

A few days later he finally proposed.

,,You’re my family now...“ he whispered while stroking your belly.

Zen enjoyed being a father and he loved to see his daughter‘s smile.

,,A second child would make me super happy...“ he confessed one night. Three years later a little girl, indeed was born, and three years later, after her birth, the last baby boy was born.

,,You need to protect them, okay?“ Zen whispered at night after the little boy woke him up.

Yoosung

It was a long journey until you finally got pregnant.

Ten years after your marriage, you finally had the chance to enjoy the feeling as a mother to be.

And of course Yoosung was just as hyped as you.

,,Do you want to eat Chinese or Korean? Or maybe both?“ he asked you one day over the phone when he was on his way home.

Of course he already bought both dishes.

But your answer was a little different than he thought it would be...

,,I would like to eat Italian to be honest.“ you laughed and suddenly craved pizza and lasagna with salmon.

,,Hey, you did great today, Ajusshi. Here, have some Chinese and Korean. My wife is pregnant and wanted to eat Pizza and Lasagne instead.“ Yoosung said to a homeless man and gave him the food he just bought.

A few moments later he arrived home, three Pizza in his one hand, the Lasagne with Salmon in the other.

Yoosung wasn‘t sure if you always smiled so brightly or because it was because of the food, but whatever the reason was, in his eyes you looked so beautiful.

The birth was a quick one.

In the morning you were putting on your Make-Up.

Yoosung helped you to put on your shoes.

After a few minutes of walking you suddenly felt a strange twitch in your back.

Of course you ignored it, but as soon as you arrived at the place you were supposed to meet the RFA the twitch got so horrible that you first had to sit down.

,,Hey Mc, listen to my pregnancy joke...“ Seven laughed but stopped as soon as he saw your wide open eyes.

,,Y-Yoosung… I think your wife‘s water broke!“ he yelled in panic.

And not long afterwards he was holding his baby.

,,He‘s so handsome.“ Yoosung said and noticed immediately that you had fallen asleep.

A year later you were pregnant again and this time it was a girl.

You were currently throwing a party for your little prince and enjoyed his round smiling face.

Jaehee

It took awhile until you found someone who‘s sperm could impregnate you.

But when the time came, you were hyped.

In Jaehee‘s eyes, you were the most beautiful pregnant woman she saw.

Your smile was as bright as the sun‘s warm sunshine and your mood was always the best.

No mood swings, and no odd carvings or fears.

You just enjoyed the pregnancy.

You even kept working.

But of course Jaehee was overprotective.

You were only allowed to work while sitting down.

,,How are you feeling?“ Jaehee asked you.

The baby was due any time now.

,,I‘m well, Jaehee.“ you chuckled and made her a signal to help you up.

As soon as you stood, you however, noticed that you felt weird.

,,MC!“ Jaehee yelled when she noticed that you began to stumble.

A few minutes later the ambulance arrived and a c-section was done as quickly as possible.

Jaehee was about to go crazy.

Zen, next to her, tried to make her feel better but it was no use.

,,I don’t know what to think. I just want her to be well and to see the baby healthy...“ she whined.

Luckily, her wishes came true and shortly afterwards, the doctor told her that she could come in to see you.

,,Don’t ever do this to me again.“ she sobbed harder as soon as she saw you, sweat dripping off your front and tears rolling down.

,,Sorry not sorry...“ you laughed and looked down at your baby.

Your little boy stayed an only child but got spoiled from every possible side.

Saeyoung

,,We have a surprise!“ you announced.

The RFA was sitting on the red couch were you all took a picture two years ago.

The mood was agonising two years ago.

Today, the RFA was more hyped.

The death of the leader wasn’t forgotten, but it was as painful as it was in the past.

,,Where are the HBC?“ Yoosung asked.

,,Yo Saeran, didn’t you think about using BBCream?“ Zen asked Saeran, analysing his face.

,,Maybe we should use the same security measures as Saeyoung.“

,,I will write it down, Mr. Han.“

,,OI! COULD YOU PLEASE LISTEN TO MY PREGNANT WIFE?“ Saeyoung’s words suddenly resounded.

,,Now you ruined the surprise!“ you suddenly began to cry and walked away.

,,Well done! Now she‘s crying!“ Yoosung exclaimed while Jaehee rushed behind you.

Your pregnancy was moody.

Once you were in a good mood, he was filled with fear and vice versa.

,,Okay, is everything ready?“ you asked Jaehee who nodded.

You felt that it was a girl but Saeyoung was sure that it would be a boy.

,,If they knew...“ Zen laughed to himself and waited for their expressions.

You had two boxes.

You would open them at the same time to reveal the baby‘s gender.

First pink balloons flew up.

,,I WAS RIGHT! IT‘S A GIRL!“ you screamed as you saw his box.

He was happy and about to kiss you, but first you wanted to open your box.

You expected them to also be pink, but then blue balloons flew up.

,,Huh? Did it go wrong?“ you asked Jaehee.

,,Surprise~“ Yoosung laughed.

,,You will have twins!“ Jaehee smiled brightly.

,,I knew it!“ Saeyoung laughed and pulled you up, laughing at you when he saw your overjoyed face.

Since then, everything went really quickly.

Your belly grew enormously and the anticipation grew just as much as the fears.

,,It’s normal that twin‘s come early.“ the nurse tried to convince him.

Her words were numb to him.

His fears just vanished when he finally saw you smiling with your two babies in your arms.

,,It’s okay, it’s okay...“ you patted his back when the nurse brought away your babies.

,,Excuse me, did I give birth to two babies or three?“ you joked when Saeyoung kept crying in your arms.

MASTERLIST 1MASTERLIST 2MASTERLIST 3

07.11.2019// 16.01 MEST

Tagged:

@foreversunshine-love @giulia2372 @sailormoonrocks666

@widya345 @remiliadacalde @r-f-a-journalists

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hoopdiddies · 5 years

Text

I'm Not Over You //Ben Hardy x Reader (Part 9)

A/N: All the fact checking had me reeling to be honest and this is one long-ass chapter, longer than the one where I said 'it's the longest I've written' but actually this wins the competition. I've used some lyrics from the song Photograph cos I felt like it would go nicely with the flow plus I am weak with hospital scenes because of the distresses that occur within it but I tried ya know ¯_(ツ)_/¯ It's a little messy and dramatic on a side note because I had to deal with some outside disturbances as well and my mind was on other things 😔 But again, thank you guys for supporting this series! Your feedbacks mean a lot ♥ Tag list is always open!! (seriously, I need more people to tag xd)

Summary: You had always loved Ben ever since you the two of you met in university and became the best of friends. That feeling went out like a candle flame when you parted ways until he re-entered your life...but this time with someone who has already occupied his heart.

Warnings: That angst from 8? Yeah, it just upgraded, fluff if you, like, use a microscope, explicit description of blood and injuries, swearing but I kept it to a minimum, mentions of death but there's actually no death. Melodrama, ig? Sorry, I had a hard time writing consistently this week ^^'

WC: 6.5k (Someone got carried away.)

Tags: @haendel-me-with-care

@mrsdoradominguez-barnes

@mickmoon

@lakef

@mrsmazzello

@valeriecarolinaw

@queen-turtle-boiii

@loveandbeloved29

@hardzzellos

Parts: 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

"Someone please help! Help us! "

"Bloody bastard just drove off without even stopping! "

"Are you fu- you left your phone?! He's barely clinging on to life!! Ask a random person to dial 911!"

"Oh god, what- what do we do- his head, his freaking head! There is so much blood right now!"

"D-don't move his neck! He's critical!"

"Rosy. Rosy. Calm down...he has to be fine..he should be... "

"An ambulance is on its way!"

"His head is fucking bloody! Do you even want- fuck! Someone help here! Someone, please help! "

"Is he even breathing?! "

"Oh god, Y/N! He's not- he's not! "

"You better not be joking around!"

"Joe! He is bloody dying and you think I'm fucking joking?!"

"He has no pulse as well..."

"I got to- I have to make an attempt to resuscitate him. "

"Are you sure?"

"We're not waiting for that goddamn vehicle! If I don't do it, he's going to die!"

"Wake up, Ben! Please, wake up..."

Blur. That's what everything was. A huge, uncoordinated, focal blur. A sea of people had crowded the scene like a flock of sheep ready to graze on the pasture, except the only green they had for their eyes was the sight of six, dreadful friends taking it in their hands to keep the seventh one grounded while they wait for professional help.

The ones with flashing cameras hoisted up high to document the scene disgusted you down to the pits of your stomach and you had wished for them to scatter away. You all, especially you had to bear the agony of seeing him motionless on the asphalt ground– without breath, skin drained of color while the only color highlighted in the spectrum was the copious but graphic amount of blood that had tainted the spot he was lying in– his hair coated in the sticky, sanguinary puddle, creating a traumatizing mix of blond and deep red that you now couldn't forget. The tears pricking from your eyes when you had given him mouth to mouth mingling with his bleeding forehead.

He had lost all consciousness at a maximum.

You had ached to cradle his body right there and then but had you acted on impulse; it would've worsened the situation.

Medics had filled in the scene seconds after you had given Ben a well-thought out CPR undeterred by your raging adrenaline. He was then brought into the ambulance with Rosy tagging along to be there when they rush him into the ER. You had gone after with the others in Gwilym's car, your shaking hands coated with drying blood -his drying blood- as you made your way to the hospital in a blistering cruise.

You're still in your dress, only topped with Joe's designer blazer to shield you from the cold and a warm, half-empty cup of brew situated between your palms partially substituting the natural heat of your skin, waiting quietly in the lounging room. They had transferred Ben to a private room after performing an operation on his head and scanning him afterwards. One of the emergency doctors remarked that if it weren't for your initiative to follow first aid protocol and give him immediate resuscitation before help had arrived– he would have gone ten minutes early.

You've been waiting an hour and a half for the doctor to step out of the room and deliver the news about his condition. And while you do that, Joe and Lucy have gone off to collect a fresh pair of clothing from the hotel for you to change into. Rosy is stood at the entrance making some calls, Gwilym and Rami have gone back to their respective hotels to change clothes and come back for the news.

You felt light hearing that comment but it's nothing compared to the aftermath of the accident. It was a hit-and-run and the driver didn't even step on his breaks or bother to stop to take responsibility.

Rami's blazer that had been used to delay Ben's bleeding has been given back to him for dry cleaning. To complicate the situation, you're supposed to be boarded on a plane back to England eight hours from now yet that's something you have to cross out from the bucket list, entirely. You're not going anywhere unless Ben heaves out a single sigh of life.

Not a single step out the fucking institution unless he opens those eyes.

Unless he parts his lips.

Unless he says your name.

You owe it to him for saving your life, nearly costing his.

And it's just 2 in the morning.

You put down the cup on the space next to you, bringing your hands up to your lowered head, underneath your eyes watering from all of that's happened tonight.

"We're back." Two figures stand before you minutes after your eyelids have fluttered shut in despair. You lift your head to be met with Joe and Lucy in their casual clothes, smiling sadly at you with paperbags in hand.

You return that smile with a much weaker one. They settle the bags down and Joe sinks down on one knee in front of you, taking your face in his hands gently while he peeks up at you. "I see the news isn't out yet. You can change, we'll take care of it."

"You sure?" You mumble quietly. He nods and you prolong a sigh as you sit up, getting tenderly lulled into a hug by Lucy. "He's gonna be okay." She expresses definitely as she rubs your back. You thank her for the reassurance before taking one of the bags that contains your clothes.

Pulling the hem of your sweatshirt in place, you couldn't wait to escape the lavatory. It smells of newly applied bleach and the pungent odor is plain nauseating. You close the door with the bag in hand on your way out but freeze in your spot as a certain, exclusive news breaks out in the TV screen above you.

"Just 10pm tonight, Bohemian Rhapsody and EastEnders star, Ben Hardy, has reportedly been gravely involved and injured in a hit-and-run just outside of Wallis Annenberg Center during the ongoing Vanity Fair after party. Sources said that he had dashed headlong down the traffic-jammed streets to what they said was an attempt to save co-star's, Joe Mazzello, date from an incoming vehicle– which he had succeeded in as he failed to save himself–" The rest of the news anchor's words go unprocessed in your head as you hurriedly trace your way back to the lounging area, unwilling to hear recurring reports at yours or anyone's expense.

It already hurts enough that you think it's partly your fault for acting so careless.

By now, the attending physician should be out and conveying the news to Lucy and Joe and as you arrive– he is, hands in his lab coat pockets, informing them in the most serious of tones.

They see you approaching and you ask immediately, words stumbling out of your mouth like perceivable beats. "Doc, how is he? How's Ben?"

With Lucy and Joe already informed about it, the doctor decides to tell you himself to save them the hassle. "He should be fine soon. However I must be frank with you, miss," your heart loses a beat for a fraction of a second at the suspense rising, "he flat lined twice in the ER. It took three sets of defibs to get his heart beating again." Hearing him break to you that Ben was a simple step away from death as they tried to treat him drains the warm color palette in your face, even with the affirmation that he's going to be alright; knowing there were two moments in which he had slipped in and out of life at the same time just upsets your stomach.

The doctor continues with his report, telling you that he's suffered from a mild to severe head trauma caused by the blunt force when he had his scalp dragged along the asphalt. Apparently he fissured the the near front of his skull and underwent neurosurgery for it. You quickly get the idea, having studied a series of medical topics of course, but it doesn't invalidate the fact that it still sounds like a bad thing.

The doctor sighs and adds. "Although he bled internally at a minimum, he's lucky to have bled externally for the most part."

Forming a steeple of your fingers and stealing a quick glimpse of Lucy and Joe, you gulp hard. "How long 'til he wakes up?"

"I'd say in about 48 hours. His scan results after the surgery showed promise for a stable recovery though he might wake up a little dazed at first due to the moderate concussion," at least you're getting the assurance that he's waking up, "your friend has a thick skull. He'll recover in time, but with short-term effects."

48 hours. Not enough time for you to stay or leave.

"Can we see him? Right now?" Setting your expectations to the highest, you ask with a glimmer of hope and the doctor approves, minding you to turn down the lights in the room as Ben would likely be sensitive to it by the time he wakes. "A nurse will come by and check on him every once in a while as well."

You nod weakly, thanking him professionally as you gradually hang your head in disappointment. He wishes Ben a speedy recovery before turning on his heels, leaving you to it.

Lucy brings her short hair up in a pigtail, asking as she lifts up her share of the paper bags. "Are we going in now? I mean, the doc said we're able to." She vaguely points at the door of the room and you and Joe swap looks before deciding on it. You collect your items from the seats and draw in breaths as you follow suit, stepping into the room and being welcomed by the almost odorless whiff of paint and medicine; along with the light to moderate blow of the air conditioner.

As the door clicks close, you stand motionless yet internally trembling at the heartbreaking sight of Ben lying unresponsive, surrounded by various machines working to keep him alive. Flanking his bed are the heart monitor -fully functional- and a medical ventilator from which he is breathing from. He's hooked up to an IV bag with a breathing tube put into his mouth, his left arm is propped upon his abdomen but protected around a plaster and supported within a blue arm sling and lastly, his head is wrapped in a layer of roller bandage– the giveaway of his major injury.

"Y/N..." Joe cooing breaks you off from your vacant gaze but you hand him a forlorn eye as bring yourself to Ben's side, glancing over his limp body. He's taken quite a hit to have fractured his arm like this. His complexion didn't appear as livid as it is now and marking his bottom lip -which has lost that luscious red tint as well- is a small bruise, parted from his upper lip as he involuntarily breathes through the tube in his mouth. You don't hear his slow exhales but the normal rise and fall of his chest consoles a small part of you; the stable beeping of the heart monitor being the only occuring noise in the room. Concerned with how awfully quiet you've gone, Lucy and Joe give each other fitting looks as they share the same thought on the situation. As one of them begins to step close to ensure you're taking it well, you pipe up before them, your once honey-laced voice diminished to a monotone. "It's...not my fault."

"Of course, it's not," Lucy, being the one who has taken that step close, tenderly agrees but you add.

"It's not but it feels like it is."

Now Joe steps up next but stop as you add once more.

"And I told him I wanted to forget him and for him to do the same." Now some tears are inevitable.

"Y/N-"

"As impractical as it is to think about it now, but what if he does?" your hand has now hovered over him, the nerves of the pads of your fingers itching to skim themselves over his free hand, "I don't want to go. But I have to and he's still not gonna wake up by the time I leave."

His condition just yearns for your touch but you don't want to lay a hand on him just yet, out of the fear that you might hurt a small part of him.

Joe sighs softly as he puts his hands on your shoulders, rubbing them with ease. "Why don't you just email the institution about it? Tell them you're gonna have to delay because of an urgent matter."

"I can do that, but only a day after. I can't take long."

"Rami and Gwilym are on their way," Lucy reminds as she gets off her phone from messaging them, "with some food and water."

"None of us are burning the midnight oil then," Joe stretches his limbs and returns to the couch to take a moment to relax, eyes snapping wide as he remembers something. "By the way, Y/N. If you spilled your heart out to him earlier, did you include the bit where our relationship was all but pretend?"

Surely the stare you and Lucy are sharing towards him could render the atmosphere painful but you answer regardless of the topic, shaking your head as you turn your attention to Ben once more. "No. But he's bound to question it. That is if he remembers what happened."

Lucy rests her hand on her hip as she glances at the heart monitor, the waves tempting her eyes to follow them. "Doctor never implied anything about amnesia."

The three of you fall silent again with you locking your gaze at the man who didn't want to let you go. Who chased you down a busy highway knowing he'd bite the dust if he did and ended up saving you at the expense of his own well-being.

And life.

And his own soul.

He'll recover in a short period, yes. But when you had gently grazed your trembling hand over his bloodied head in the middle of the street, it was as if he was bound to never wake up. A visual you want to shake off for the sake of composure.

Joe and Lucy take notice of your stilled silence again, their expressions low-spirited. Taking small steps towards you, Lucy wraps her arms around your shoulders from behind and pulls out a certain object from her back pocket, slipping it to you. "Found this in the inner pocket of Ben's tainted blazer when the doctors gave his clothes to us."

You cast your gaze to what she's holding and hear your heart shatter at what it is. You slowly take it from her and sweep your thumb over it.

Ben's share of your Homecoming picture.

And behind it, the same date and continuation of what was written on your half.

You piece it in your mind and feel your eyes cloud with tears, a droplet making a small patter as it lands on the polaroid.

He kept it. In his blazer. He brought it along with him.

_I'm not going... anywhere at all. _

"But I am." You mutter as opposed to the words in your head. For as long as you love him and he doesn't in the way you do, distancing yourself is something that needs to be done to make sure you finally let go. You'd stick around but it would further fragment your soul.

Just in time to tear you from reaching your breakfing point, the door creaks open to two men and a red-haired woman, two of whom are grasping paper bags containing some food and water and one with an overwrought look, respectively.

Lucy leaves your side and walks over to Rami's, kissing his cheek and helping them unload their items on the coffee table. Gwilym gives the three of you, and Rosy who had followed in behind them, an individual hug– asking you about Ben's condition as he lays eyes on him.

You assure him of a smooth recovery and it unknots the lump of worry he's under.

"Oh, Ben, baby... " Breaks down Rosy, who whizzes past you to tear up over her injured fiance. She gazes down painfully at the man before her and delicately fondles his blanch cheek, eyes narrowed to the point where her face has contorted to a scowl which she throws directly at you. "This is all your fault. "

Your brows crease at her in absolute confusion. "What are you talking about?" Sensing that an altercation is about to take place, the rest stumble quiet in preparation for the worst. Joe readies himself to butt in in case it escalates further.

"What did you say to him?" She asks you in a form of a hiss.

"Nothing! I-"

"He chased you down! You must have said something that set him off!" Her demanding voice echoes off the walls, overlaying the beeping and whizzing of both the heart monitor and ventilator. You begin swearing to her that you didn't say anything of the sort but trail off as you realize that what you had actually said, was something that indeed hurt him.

You draw your lips between your teeth and clench your fist, unable to respond with the truth, fearing it might just fuel the fire.

"That's- that's not important now." You shake your head dismissively and turn around.

"It is. You led Ben out into the street, agitated."

"Rosy, please. Can we not talk about this now? We're squabbling in front of an unconscious man-"

"Okay girls. Our boy is out cold but that doesn't mean he can't hear, right?" Eager to quench the growing conflict, Gwilym slides in between the dangerous proximity you've put yourselves in and you huff an apology.

On the other hand, Rosy does the complete opposite. "No, Gwilym. He has been acting strange for weeks and to think tomorrow's supposed to be our wedding! And this is all because of her."

Gwilym turns to her firmly and tries calming - or rather shutting her up for the sake of the peace Ben needs to heal- her down. "We're not throwing fingers here. I know tomorrow's the day and you don't want to put him under pressure, right? I don't think he's going to succumb to waking up if this goes on."

Rami, Lucy and Joe have remained unbelievably quiet but are as keen as Gwilym to prevent something unnecessary as this. It's barely 3 am in the morning for the love of God and you're all in a hospital room. Sleeping patients could bang their fists on the walls from the other side any time.

You, on the other hand, have already made four steps towards the door, ready to leave the room to be alone with your thoughts for the night but you're unable to twist the knob as Rosy snaps once more with the hint, distressing with a clenched jaw.

She's unrelenting.

"Please Y/N, you're overstepping and frankly it's getting in the way of my relationship with Ben."

"You have no idea what I'm trying to do," You mumble in the most bitter of intonations for Rosy to get the message, your fingers clenching around the knob and producing a faint chink. "But he's my best friend. Let me be the person I've always been to him, " you whip your head at her -a stare you're certain could equal to a pelted javelin- and draw your brows together, pleading on account of choosing to be present in a crisis such as this, " he's all yours anyway."

With a strong swing of the door, you march angrily out of the room, making your way outside the building to blow off steam – the smooth rub of the polaroid between your fingers surrendering you to tears.

You give yourself exactly 48 hours to stay before heading back to England to board your flight for Spain.

10 hours

Ben's accident was a clean hit-and-run. Apparently some bystanders had snapped a shot of the license plate the moment the car slowed down and accelerated afterwards. It was then delivered to the police to be given further investigation. His parents have flown in from England to visit him and you badly wish you could greet them but some things are just too heavy to do right now. Back at the hospital, Ben's been given hourly checks and assessments, with each desired result constant. He's not responsive to any physical contact but the doctor is certain that he can perceive sound and sound only. His body is asleep but his mind isn't.

The rest will be visiting him at dusk while you're going in late with Joe.

After sending an email to the university about your 24-hour delay, you spend the entire day just waiting to go down there and be by his side. Regarding your solitude in the hotel room, Rami had Lucy stay in with him for the meantime and being initially worried about leaving you, she had asked for your permission to which you said yes to.

Sometimes in the day, you can't hold back a few tears at the flashing memory.

17 hours

Loving can hurt

Standing in front of the private room, you clutch the collar of your shirt anxiously, hearing incoherent but distinct murmurs on the other side of the door. Joe looks down at you and squeezes your hand lightly to relieve you of pressure. He knows how much this is affecting you, and though not visually shown, he's taking it hard too.

Loving can hurt sometimes

The door opens to a couple you've familiarized yourself with for so long. Ben's parents.

"Y-Y/N?" Says his mum, unable to believe that it's you standing before her. Your breath hitches as you grin sadly, being pulled into her embrace. "It's been so long."

"It has, Mrs. Jones."

Joe shakes hands with his father as he introduces himself politely. Mr. Jones greets you in with a light hug as well and you can't help but spill a few tears.

But it's the only thing that I know

They give you full access to the room

as they themselves have to leave for a while, thereby trusting their son to his closest circle. Knowing how tight you and Ben are, they give you much of their trust on this one and you'd want nothing more than to make sure he'll wake up without any further complications. They obviously know about Rosy but witnessing how long you and Ben have grown on one another, they trust you the most.

They bid you and Joe goodbye, leaving access to the room exclusive.

When it gets hard

As you begin closing the door behind Joe, he insists that you have some alone time with him. Though it may feel weird but he feels as if you need this the most with time going against you now. Touched by his thoughtfulness, you give him a quick embrace before he leaves you to it.

You know it can get hard sometimes

The sight before you hasn't changed that much.

The same monitors and the same person.

Same feeling.

However you'd rather take everything

in a different light and situation.

You fiddle with your fingers as you accumulate the strength to swallow the lump in your throat, drawing yourself to his side. The mild, incessant whirring of both the air conditioner and ventilator occupies the silent atmosphere along with the steady beeps of the heart monitor, blocking the huge gulp you've taken.

It is the only thing that makes us feel alive

Slowly taking a seat on the stool positioned beside the guard rails of the bed, you let out a quavery sigh– the byproduct of all the tearing up you've done today. You take his free hand in yours and stroke his pale knuckles with your thumb, leaning in to plant a kiss on it.

We keep this love in a photograph

"Ben? It's me. Can you hear me?"

One-sided conversations are helpful according to experts and this is the perfect opportunity to tell him everything without having to bear the flits in his expression.

But you beg to differ.

We made these memories for ourselves. Where our eyes are never closing.

You continue, allowing every crack and quiver to manifest in your voice no matter how relatively pathetic it will make you sound.

"Ben, please, you gotta wake up. You're leaving us in a hot mess here, bud. Hell, you gave your parents the scare of their lives. I know I'm starting off rough with this, but it's all cause you had to leap in like that. But then again, it was- it was not your fault. This- all of this is not your doing. I should've been more careful on that road. Would've been better if I had cut back on the melodrama, huh? Haha..."

You lick your lips and resume, owning the patters your tears have soiled on the tiled floor.

Hearts are never broken

"I'm sorry if I had to hide it all from you, " you build it up slowly, tears tenacious to leave your eyes, "it's just that I was afraid you'd soon forget me once you've married and I wouldn't be part of your life anymore. To make matters worse, I have always loved you, Ben. On every level and aspect, I still do. Sticking around to see you spend the rest of your life with someone else when that feeling is still present is just toxic. And to think you're supposed to be wedded tomorrow, "you sniffle, taking a few seconds to form your following words, "that's why it would be easier if we- if we...oh god, I'm actually much more of an actor than you are..." You want to chuckle for it, but nothing resembling a chuckle mopes out of your mouth. Just...short breaths.

Time is forever frozen-

"But I truly am happy for you. I really am. But I can't be happy myself when you've taken a huge portion of my heart and I'm just...I just want to make sure nothing will ever ruin your happiness," You close the distance between you and the bed, your hot tears dripping on his arm sling, the cloth absorbing it. You're really taking advantage of his inability to respond.

"I'm s-sorry, Ben. I don't know how long I can stay by your side like this. Literally like this. But as long as I am able, " you lower your head onto his chest, now shamelessly sobbing like you haven't broken down in centuries, squeezing his free but chilly hand like it's the only thing that'll give you warmth tonight, "I'm sorry if I'm going somewhere."

And still

Despite promising to give you a moment alone with him, Joe -having recurring, inquisitive tendencies- has acted as opposed to his promise and eavesdropped on your unrequited talk due to having to wait too long, not realizing that after hearing all your words exit in sobs, you've fallen asleep with your head on Ben's chest.

Joe glances around the hall before budging the door open, careful not to disturb you as he sees you out cold next to him. He presses his lips into a hard line and chuckles quietly, amused as he grabs an available sheet from the couch and drapes it over you. The moment he notices a tear droplet stuck in the corner of your eye, he wipes it away with his thumb, sighing profoundly.

"Rosy's gonna flip when she gets back and sees this. So, " Joe, mumbling on his own, tumbles back down onto the couch and kicks back, "I'll be here just in case."

20 hours

So you can keep me

A nurse opens the door with a tray and clipboard in hand to conduct an hourly assessment of his condition, not minding your head placement on his chest. He's still unresponsive to anything external.

I**nside the pocket of your ripped jeans **

As the test ends and the nurse closes the door on her way out, his finger twitches.

30 hours

Holding me closer til our eyes meet

Joe wakes you up softly with a bowl of soup in hand– something he bought from the cafeteria upstairs. You lift your heavy head from its recent spot and blink your bleary eyes at him, giving away a wry smile and telling him you'll eat later on.

You won't ever be alone

"By they way, this slipped from your pocket." He slips something off the table and hands it to you with a knowing look, that something being the dual polaroids you've taped together the other night. You take it from him deliberately and turn your head to Ben, before staring down at the joint pictures, nostalgia ever so sudden like a whiplash.

Wait for me to come home

35 hours

Loving can heal

Rami and Lucy have stopped by to visit and take your 'shifts' considering Rosy is still absent and you and Joe had to return to the hotel to change. The attending physician and a nurse come in to replace his breathing tube with a nasal cannula, since the assessment done hours prior has shown that he's already capable of breathing on his own.

39 hours

Loving can mend your soul

"Funny how today is supposed to be his wedding but we're getting a funeral instead. " Morbidly comments one of Ben's visitors and closest friends. Every single person in the room who has come by to visit Ben shoots a death glare at him for making that joke within a two feet radius of Ben who is sure to give him a bop on the head the minute he gets up.

41 hours

And it's the only thing that I know

Meanwhile Rosy had spent the entire day rescheduling the wedding and the once volatile reactions she's had do a 360 and is brought down to one, constant look as she bumps into you on your way to Ben's room.

42 hours

I swear it will get easier, remember that with every piece of you

You both don't say a word until you've settled down on the couch as she strays to Ben's side and wipes the glistening speckle of sweat on his cheek with her thumb, the silence coming to a close as you pry the words out of your mouth.

"Rosy, believe me. I have never harboured the thought of coming between you both. I'm only ever there for him as a friend."

And it's the only thing we take with us when we die

Giving you an impassive eye, she ignores your words entirely and turns her attention back to her fiance.

45 hours

We keep this love in a photograph

You don't leave the room with the hours progressing to the moment he's timed to wake up. A lot of people have paid him a visit, cracking jokes and talking to him notwithstanding the fact that he's utterly unresponsive. They've done all they can to lighten the mood in the room, hoping all their antics and bliss would lure Ben out of his induced insensibility. But he's nowhere near the edge.

We made these memories for ourselves

47 hours

With Rosy snuggled up against his side, Ben retains immobility and it's a sight you're not used to since he's one of the most fidgety arseholes who's ever graced your life. You know you'd be bombed by her if you do this with her close by, but you had given yourself exactly 48 hours to stay before heading back.

Where our eyes are never closing, hearts are never broken

And so you wander to the opposite side of the bed and peer at down your wristwatch for the time.

Time's forever frozen and still.

48 hours

"Ben?" You whimper close to his ear. He's not responding. You know he wouldn't wake up that quickly at the strike of the exact hour but you're impatient to say goodbye to him with his forest, green eyes on full display and wandering around your (Y/E/C) ones to bolster you up.

"Hey." You coax into his ear again, still no response. The racing beat of your heart has matched the beeps of the heart monitor. His heart beats. The similarity is sketchy but nearly symbolic. You're leaving in the morning and he's not up and lively for you to fervently crush in a parting embrace.

"Bud, please. I can't force you to wake up but I'm leaving tomorrow. You have to help me...here." At this point, though how eager you are to, you can't let some tears stream down from your eyes since the possibility of Rosy waking up to you catching sobs is feasible, but Ben's involuntary stillness is not helping you with that ordeal. Losing all hope for a night, you straighten up and collect your things from the couch, deciding to come back one last time tomorrow prior to your departure.

You quickly open the door to the attending physician who's about to step in to take physical tests but you whisk past him without taking a second look.

Easy to say you didn't have a good night sleep with all the stresses weighing down on you that night. Either you hyperventilated in your slumber or remained asleep but with tears seeping from your half-closed eyes.

You've sent Lucy a text in the early hours of the morning notifying her about your departure today. She hasn't responded yet.

"Just a 24-hour delay? Are they that heartless?" Leaning on the door frame of your hotel room with a bitten donut in his hand, Joe questions as he watches you prop your luggage against the open door. "I had to reschedule the flight thrice last month, this one being the latest. It's only reasonable," You huff as a matter of fact, fixing the scarf that has dangled loose around your neck and staring into oblivion barely a second after going tight-lipped.

Finishing his donut, Joe pokes you out of your momentary trance. "You alright?"

You shake your head.

"I don't even know if he's awake now. It's past 48 hours and what if he-"

"There's only one way to find out," appeasing your elevating worry, he grabs you by the shoulders and looks you square in the eye, silently guaranteeing you of his recovery.

Since he'll be driving you to the airport, your things are neatly stored in the confines of the backseat but of course, you have to see Ben one last time, setting aside all the excruciating anticipation.

You scurry into the entrance with Joe by your side, out of breaths by the time you arrive at the door of Ben's room. Taking precautionary measures, you knock firmly on the surface expecting someone or Rosy to answer. But nada. You swap some looks with Joe and twist the knob gently, finding the room free of visitors and medical staff. Perhaps they've assessed him an hour prior.

"No one's around."

As you begin slipping a foot through the ajar door, Joe puts a hand on your shoulder, stopping you mid-step.

"Lucy's on her way."

His update on her reply makes you smile and you continue into the room, seeing the curtains that had blocked the sunlight for two days cast aside, spilling some sunlight into the room.

You take small, wobbly steps along the floor, unable to accept that until now he hasn't fluttered open those orbs you loved staring into so much. You suddenly fear that a complication has risen and is causing his extended unconsciousness but that must be the least of your worries.

So you can keep me, inside the pocket of your ripped jeans

He has to hear you. He has to. He has to.

He's gone really pasty. Dark circles under his eyes despite being asleep for two days. He has grown a scruff and looks painfully unruly, but still a face of an angel. You crouch and take his free hand in yours– careful not to disconnect the IV tube from his wrist, caressing it and drawing in a sharp inhale to free yourself of any doubt to speak up. "Ben. It's Y/N. You're scaring us, you know. The doctor said you'd wake up earlier but why? Why haven't you? What are you doing in there?"

This being the end of the long haul for you, you're not forcing anything at bay anymore– not your tears, not your peeves and certainly not your feelings. You interlace your fingers around his and kiss the back of his hand, your cheeks growing scarlet and wet with tears.

Holding me closer til our eyes meet, you won't ever be alone.

You get up from crouching and throw your arm around him in defiance of the possibility of applying a lot of pressure on his chest. It feels so different holding him that way. For the time you have left, an overly emotional, one-sided conversation should make up for the lost times that would've been great for those.

And if you hurt me, that's okay baby only words bleed

"You really kept that Homecoming picture, didn't you? Coincidentally I did too, just forgot it was there as well. But I pieced it back, by the way. Ironic that we both made a promise on those polaroids the night before graduation. I-I have it with me here, just so you know. Just thought I'd bring it out since...I'll be going soon." You pull the pictures out from the pocket of your coat with trembling hands, eager to wave them in front of him. Once out, you place it on the bedside table for him to keep once more but with your share of the picture.

Inside these pages you just hold me, and I won't ever let you go

You lay your forehead on his, your tears dripping onto his closed lids as you sob his name to get him to wake, at the same time feeling his soft exhales brush against your chin. " I told you I'd be strong and I'm trying to be. I know it sounds like a selfish thing to do but you have to trust me on this one. I want to move on, Ben. You're bound to be wedded soon and have a family of your own. I want to be there for that. I want to be that aunt who'll spoil your kids and make them fight you for the craziest demands. Those things I'd gladly do...if I wasn't this hopeless for you," Little by little, your voice comes out as broken whisper– losing your strength to add any more things to say in the process. On the other side of the door, Joe is finally joined by Lucy who has arrived not a minute late and they can't help but tear up a little at how uncontrolled your crying is slowly turning out, it's become audible enough to be heard from outside.

"Ben, buddy. Come on." He huffs against the hardwood as he and Lucy are tempted to barge in.

Burying your face into the exposed column of his neck with your arm slackening from being draped across his chest, you utter a voiceless but heartfelt statement.

Wait for me to come home

"I love you, Benjamin Jones. Be happy for me."

Your words hang thinly in the fragile air as you pull away from that proximity and leave a long kiss on his forehead, walking back sadly to the door with your hand outstretched ready to grab ahold of the knob.

"H-how could I be..."

The words released sound like a mere memory resonating in your head but you are proved wrong once you turn around.

#borhap #queen #ben hardy #ben hardy imagine #ben hardy x reader #borhap cast #borhap cast x reader #borhap imagine #ben hardy fanfic #imagine #fanfic

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wildlittlefoxsworld · 5 years

Text

Lazy Sunday afternoon (work title)

Summary: Peter and you decided to stay in bed, and Wade came back from a mission finding you both naked. (Bad summary xD)

Characrers: Spideypool x reader

A/N: If you have a better title for this story, please tell me!

Warnings: fluff, implied smut

Second part is online ;)

It was sunday afternoon. The curtains were still drawn and just a little sunlight glipmsed through the gap. You laid naked under the warm soft sheets and you dozed for a short time. You knew that Peter slept behind you and shouldn't wake him, but you wanted to feel his arms snaking around your body, feel him skin to skin.

„Peter?“ you asked quietly and waited for a respond. He gave a little grumbling to hear, but he kept snorring and you sighed.

„Peter?“ you tried it louder. The sheets rustled and his right hand searched for you under the blanket. Peter touched slightly your waist, his fingertips traced over the curve of your hips and forward to your stomach. His hand was warm and soft and you arched your back to press your skin in his flat hand.

You felt as he nuzzles his nose in your hair and inhales deep your sweet scent.

„Go back to sleep, honey,“ he mumbled and took a deep breath before he slowly drifted back to sleep.

You rolled your eyes and shook your head, but smiling. You loved Peter for his cuteness and cherished these moments when you felt his love.

But something was missing, actually someone, your boyfriend Wade. The merc was dating the both of you for six months now.

You three even shared an apartment, and you were very happy. But today you were nervous, because you three didn't share more than kisses and cuddles.

But Peter has a plan and intiated you last night in his plan to surprise Wade when he came home from his mission.

His plan was easy, just would cook for Wade, because a romantic dinner was something you all needed. With the whole work Wade as Deadpool and Peter as Spider-Man had and your job as a nurse there wasn't much time for romantic.

And with a dinner for three Peter hoped you could forget some stress and just enjoy the evening.

„Babes, I'm home,“ Wade shouted through the apartment. Your eyes widened in shock. „Baby girl, where are you? Peter?“

You heard heavy footsteps and the door of the bedroom cracked open. Wade walked in and looked confused at you as met your gaze.

„Hey,“ he whispered and his eyes went soft as he saw Peter sleeping. Still in his red suit he came over.

„Hey,“ you replied and smiled at him. „You are early.“

Wade pouted. „You are dissapointed?“

„No, and now kiss me,“ you chuckled and Wade didn't complain. His lips met yours and your hand clutched his collar, tugging on the zipper of his suit.

„You want me naked?“ he said with a cocky grin. You giggled as he wiggled his hairless eyebrows.

„Peter and I ar-e... are naked, too,“ you explained shyly and little blush spreaded over your cheeks. Wade gasped at your words and his eyes travelled along your with sheets covered body.

„Baby girl...,“ he slowly began. „You sure?“

You bit your lower lip as you nodded. „Maybe we should wake up Peter, so we can talk about it,“ Wade suggested.

You scrunched your nose unsure if it was a good idea. „I think he might be grumpy.“

„I'll make it gentle.“ Wade peeled off his suits and his scarred skin was shown. Wade hasn't insecruities with his appearence anymore when he was with Peter and you, but it had been a long way until there.

Only in his boxers he climbed on the bed and hovered over Peter. You turned around to watch Wade peppering Peter's face with thousand tenderly kisses. As Peter's eyes were fluttering open, Wade catched his lips in a soft kiss. Peter lean into the kiss and whimpered as Wade pulled away.

„Hey baby boy,“ Wade purred lovingly, but Peter responded with a firm grip in Wade's neck and kissed the merc this time more passionately.

You followed this scenario with a bit of jealously. Wade and Peter was totally lost in a heated kiss.

„Guys,“ you said playfully anoyed and they parted at the sound of your voice. They looked a little bit shocked at you.

„What's wrong, baby girl?“ Wade asked concerned.

„Yeah, usually you liked watching us kissing,“ Peter added worriedly.

You were surprised that they really thought they did something wrong.

„I am not mad,“ you made clear and placed a kiss on Peter's lips.

Wade grinned again. „Maybe Y/N is just needy.“

Wade grabbed you by the waist and pulled you in a searing kiss, biting gently your lip.

„Okay, but first a question.“ Wade looked at Peter and your heart beated faster. Peter looked expectant at his older boyfriend.

„Our pretty girl told me you are naked as the day you were born under the blankets,“ Wade said with a raspy voice. Peter blushed as you before and nodded slightly.

„And what we gonna do now?“ Wade asked carefully. Peter and you looked at each other for a moment and agreed silently it was time for the next step.

„We are in if you are okay with this too?“

Wade's lips turned again into a grin and his hand reached for the sheets that covered the both of you. Slowly he tugged on the material, but didn't pull it off, he wanted to give you the chance to back off.

„Should I free you from the blanket or what did you have in mind?“

You bit your lower lip and your hand began to push the fabric down your body. You felt chilly as your skin were exposed. Wade watched you carefully and noticed the goosebumps on your arms.

„Are you freezing, baby girl? Maybe Peter and I should heat you up,“ he offered with a grin as he crawled over you with a hungry glimmer in his eyes.

You scooped your arms around his neck and your lips met in a loving kiss. You felt rough hands caressing your cheeks, colarbones and the sides of your breast.

„You are so beautiful, baby girl,“ Wade complimented and his eyes travelled down your body.

Finally his hands cupped your breasts and your soft skin met his scared, and it was the best feeling in the world to be this near with one of the men you loved with your entire heart. Your lips escaped a little moan as he thumbs flicked your nipples.

„Wade,“ you mumbled and he dipped his head to lick the hard nub. Your hands clatched on his head and your scratched over his skin as he sucked hard on your flesh.

It was overwhelming. In the next moment you felt warm lips on your neck and teeths nibbling on the soft spot behind your ear.

„What got into you both?“ you chuckled and let out another shaky moan when Wade pulled the blanket completely off your body, touching tenderly your thighs and pushed them apart, so he could settle between comfortable.

„Oh, sweetbums, we want to get in to you,“ Wade explained with a smile. He wanted to continue with worshipping your body, but stopped in his actions as he felt you tensing. Wade looked up confused at you, but his eyes filled with worries when he saw your panicked expression. Peter didn't stay unaffected by your current condition and tried to soothe you with strocking your back of the hand.

„What's wrong, sweety?“ Peter asked you carefully and your eyes wandered to him. You found worry in his eyes, too, and took a few breath to calm yourself down.

„It's just the words... Wade said... I... I never did things like that,“ you whispered and both of the men understood. Peter smiled understanding at you. Wade's eyes flicked up to you and gave you a loving smile.

„There is no need to rush,“ Wade replied and nuzzled into your side, pulling the sheets back over your bodies.

His arm snaked around your waist and you felt safe in his arms.

„I didn't say I want to stop,“ you whispered and gave Wade a kiss on his plump lips. Wade grinned again and his hand wandered down to your hip. You found it funny how easy Wade was to convince sometimes, but maybe he just wanted to tease at this moment.

„You sure, baby girl, because I would really like to touch you, but not without your permission.“

You were still laying on your back and as a sign for you permission you opened your legs for him. He raised an eyebrow, and his hand slided to your inner thigh. You didn't move, but your breath quickened. You totally forgot about Peter, because you squeaked when his lips ghosted over your throat leaving little marks with his teeths. You turned your head and captured his mouth in a loving kiss.

Peter's hand began to move over your skin, so lightly that it tickled on your belly. You giggled quietly against his lips, but gasped as he took your breast in his hand. You laid your hand over his, and this stopped him. You broke the kiss and he looked concerned at you. You were in this moment sure, you wanted both to touch you and you wanted to feel them too.

„Don't stop, please, I want this, keep going,“ you encouraged your boyfriends and they happily obliged.

***

Anyone want a second part?

#spideypool #peter parker x reader #wade wilson x reader #peter parker imagine #peter parker x reader smut #wade wilson x reader smut #wade wilson

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inevitably-johnlocked · 5 years

Note

I'm a bit embarrassed to ask this. Have you ever read a fic that, stylistically, it's beautiful, linguistically it's tight, and it's obvious the author poured their whole self into constructing the plot, crafting the world, and nailing down the characterizations, but... You just don't get it? Like, perhaps there's some insight you're missing, and it's almost there, you think maybe you're close to getting what the author is trying to portray, but you just can't make the connection necessary?

(Embarrassed nonny continued) You even reread to make sure you didn’t skip anything, but it’s like it just seems that something missing? Or that you’re the one missing something vital? So you go to the comments to see if anyone else is confused, but all you see are lovely, supportive compliments about how beautiful the story is (and it is), or how heartwrenching it is (usually so). But you seem to be the only one not getting it?

(Embarrassed nonny cont. again) Is it destructive to let the author know that I think a story is beautiful in it’s telling, but that I don’t quite understand it? I don’t want to offend the author, who has clearly worked very hard, and I appreciate them so much. But, I want to understand the story they’re telling, even if I’m the only one not getting it. If that even makes any sense. P.S.- thanks for always taking time to listen to fandom woes and fielding requests. You’re a champion! ❤

Hi Nonny!

First of all, there’s nothing for you to be embarrassed about! Stories are partly about authorial intent, and partly about reader interpretation; no two people will interpret a story the same, and no author SHOULD expect a reader to interpret their story exactly as the author intended. SHERLOCK is a perfect example of this (the writers SAY they meant it to be one thing and literally the ENTIRE FANDOM is divided on what’s actually being shown on screen), or if you want to be more classical, the works of Shakespeare as well.

In fact, Shakespeare is a perfect example of your problem: I love Shakespeare: it’s beautifully written, it sounds lovely to the ear, and it invokes imagery based on how someone interprets it. But I sure as heck have NO idea what I read until someone explained it to me, or how I SHOULD have interpreted it (which, is oxymoronic to my point, I know…). Only after I hear how someone else interpreted the work, I can then RE-READ a work and begin to understand what was meant by it, and then develop my own interpretations.

I’ve read a few fics by a couple authors in this fandom where I LOVED their writing, but I had NO idea what was happening until I re-read the fics… it’s a reading comprehension thing with me, I’m sure (my brain tends to move a bit quicker than I can read and talk, and in turn it also tends to wander when my eyes aren’t going fast enough, LOL), but a lot of times, if I just read a fic a second time I can then grasp the words my brain omitted the first time and then really enjoy and love the fic. I hate that about me, but that’s how my brain works… Perhaps it may be the same with your brain? If a fic is well written and you enjoyed it but just had some comprehension issues, perhaps a second read-through will help you as it has done with me :)

So, now to answer your question: if after reading a fic, and you don’t understand it, is it okay to ask the authorial intent of the story? Unfortunately, there is no yes-or-no answer to this question, Lovely, as every author is different. Personally – and this is just for me speaking, and what I would do or what I would not mind if I were the author – I think it’s alright, so long as you are respectful to them! Dig around their user pages and you can often find ways to interact with the author outside of their fics, or information about whether or not they want to read criticism etc. on their stories. If an author doesn’t want any interaction, they’ll be very clear about it, but most authors have ways to get in touch with them, so to ME that’s a saying “hey, if you have any questions, here’s how to get a hold of me!”.

If they have a Tumblr with asks turned on, you can even do it like you have done for me here; write exactly what you mentioned, just tweak a few things: Mention how much you love their prose and their storytelling, and you can really feel how much love they put into the story. You found it interesting, though you’re unclear on a few parts. Ask them kindly how they intended for an audience to read it. Many creators appreciate honesty when talking about their works, so just be honest and say that you didn’t understand something and wouldn’t mind a bit of clarification about something. They can’t fault you for not understanding something, and if they do, well… I find that rather ableist, in my opinion: That’s like telling someone with dyslexia to just stop mixing up letters, or someone who’s native language isn’t English to just learn one of the most complex languages in the world with so many structure rules that make no sense half the time…. *shrugs* It’s harsh of me to say, I am sorry about that, writers, but reading comprehension doesn’t come easily for everyone.

ANYWAY, back to my point: An author, so long as you are respectful (and maybe peppering in some compliments and praise never hurts either… a lot of us creative-types have praise kinks) and don’t throw a backhanded compliment (like don’t say: “Your work is so amazing! Though I think you should make it easier for people to understand it, your words are too complex”), they will be more than happy to write out their intent for the story. Let them know it’s YOU who’s not understanding (so, “I have trouble understanding this part” as opposed to “you should make this work easier to read for everyone”… make the onus on YOU). DON’T be demanding (like, don’t say something that can be interpreted as “it’s YOUR responsibility to cater to MY need to understand”), and be patient for a reply.

You can see why this isn’t an easy yes-or-no answer, LOL.

Essentially, kindness begets kindness, and respect begets respect. And – this isn’t an attack on you personally with regards to this ask, because I know my audience are adorably shy beans – it might be a show of good faith and intentions to stay off anon when you ask your question; it shows the author that you aren’t being malicious, just simply a smol bean who loves stories and want to learn more about theirs. BUT, it IS okay to stay on-anon if you are shy / worried about not the author but other people interpreting it the wrong way, just make sure you tailor your question to the author in a respectful way that it comes across as respect. Perhaps something like this:

Hi, [author]! I really love your story, [story title]! It’s well-written and I can really tell how much you love this story and how much soul you put into it. I just had a question for you with regards to [name concern here]. [state question here]. I have trouble sometimes with [reading comprehension, English/language, dyslexia, etc.], and I would love to know what your ideas and thought process was for [character, plot point, situation, etc.]. Understanding what the author intended really helps me enjoy the stories even more than I already did, and your thoughts would be really helpful for when I re-read your story! Thank you so much for your time, and thank you for blessing us with this beautiful story!

Or something like that, LOL. And if you genuinely aren’t a native-language speaker, let them know that it’s not your first language so you’re just honestly not grasping a colloquialism that’s common in English but not in, say, German. It’s more common than you think! I’ve had people ask me in private before about a phrase I’ve written or about how they should interpret a meta of mine; I’ve never taken insult upon it, and in fact I love helping people understand my work so that they can enjoy other peoples’ content in the future.

As an additional thought I just had, I think a good example of fandom-understanding-authors is, actually, the @johnlockficclub; every couple months or so we read new stories, and then at the end of the story, we ask authors our questions about their intent of the stories, and in turn the author gets an interesting (I hope) insight into how various people interpreted their stories. Even during the live-chats leading up to the author q-and-a, we all see how we each interpreted certain sections of the chapters we read that week, and see various viewpoints we never considered. So I think that is a wonderful way to see authorial intent vs. reader interpretation, and as far as I know, all the authors we’ve “interviewed” loved just getting that kind of feedback for their stories. You should join in on at least the author interviews just to see how they go and give you some ideas on how an author will take feedback. It’s so fascinating to me!

Just a fun little anecdote that oftentimes, it is a positive experience for an author because most of them love to talk about their stories – their stories are their children, and they care deeply for them, because it’s a part of them, and it’s an expression of their love. They WANT you to understand and enjoy their work. It’s a cyclical thing: if you understand their children so you can love them too, then they will love their fanbase and will want to continue to write since they received feedback that was validating to them that they produce work that people enjoy and want to know more about.

Finally, I’d love for some authors to weigh in on their thoughts about this; would you be offended if someone loved your story but would want your clarification on some things, or want to know how you intended for the audience to perceive it? Please let us know!

Sorry this answer was so long, but I hope it helps!

P.S. Aww, you’re far too kind, Nonny! me. XD

#steph replies #my advice #fan fiction #authorial intent vs reader interpretation #my thoughts #Anonymous

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jenanigans1207 · 5 years

Note

"don't ever do that again" for the bingo thing please??

You and @profoundprincessface both requested this same one! And now you’re both tagged in each other’s posts because I feel bad not putting it directly under both of your asks. xD Anyways, I hope you like it!! (Sorry for being 1029310283 years late!)

--x--x--x--x--x

For the last half an hour, Keith had been staring out the same window, waiting for the moment he saw the Red Lion. Earlier in the evening, Pidge had pulled up a report that there was a Galra ship nearby but Keith had ordered it to be left alone. As far as he could tell, it wasn’t causing any harm and it had no idea they were there. Pidge had monitored it for a few hours, confirming that it wasn’t even moving and there seemed to be no other ships coming to or leaving from it. With too many other things on their plates, Keith would be able to sleep at night knowing they hadn’t checked it out. He’d thought that was that until a little later when he’d heard the buzzer indicating that the hangar doors had been open. By the time he got there, the Red Lion was already gone.

Finally, the Red Lion appeared out in the distance, growing larger with every passing moment. Keith watched it, hands clenched into fists at his side, until it was closer. Once it was close enough to be landing any moment, he took off out of the room, heading towards the hangar. He was fuming. Beyond fuming, honestly, but he didn't have a word for it. He stormed down the hallway, slamming his feet into the ground with every step. He could feel the impact rattle his whole body but he didn't even care. The anger fueled him, pushing him down that hallway and around the corner until he was practically crashing through the door of the hangar and sprinting across the room to Lance who was hopping down from Red.

“What on earth did you think you were doing?” Keith demanded from halfway across the room.

Lance, clearly expecting this reaction, tried to diffuse the tension. “Well nothing, because we're not on earth.”

Keith halted abruptly in front of Lance, slamming a finger into his chest. “Don't you ever do that again.”

“Do what?” Lance challenged, straightening his spine. “Save the universe?”

“Alone.” Keith emphasized. “Aren't you the one always going on and on about being part of a team and never doing things on your own?”

“Oh, so you do listen to me.”

“Lance.” It was more exasperated than frustrated and Keith withdrew his hand from Lance's chest, running it through his hair instead. He noted the way Lance's eyes followed the movement, the way he seemed to swallow thickly in response.

“You’re just mad I disobeyed orders.” Lance tried, seeming to force himself to draw his eyes away from Keith’s hair.

“No,” Keith said, clasping his hands together behind his neck in an attempt to keep composed. “I’m mad that you risked your life like that.”

“Well you weren’t going to let me go.”

Keith let out a frustrated sigh. “I would’ve gone with you, Lance. I can only have your back if you let me.”

A moment of silence passed between them, before Lance let out a breath, sounding more frustrated than anything. “I’m sorry, okay? It’s already over with though, so—”

“Lance—”

“—If there's nothing else you want from me, I'm just gonna—” Lance gestured vaguely towards the door.

Keith took in a long breath, holding it for a few seconds before exhaling. He needed to get his temper under control and he knew it. But the idea of Lance risking his life like that— the thought that he could lose Lance and not even get a chance to tell him all the things he had to say— made Keith want to punch a hole straight through the ship wall. More than that, it made him want to go on his own crazy solo rampage, blowing up anything and everything in his path.

“You wanna talk about what I want from you?” Keith remarked, leaning slightly to his left to catch Lance's eye again. “I want you to stop risking your life. I want to know you're safe, here, on the ship, waiting for me. You know what? No, I don't want that. I need it.”

They stared at each other for a long moment and Keith was able to see the exact second Lance deflated, letting go of his attitude. He watched Lance's shoulders sag, as if he were collapsing in on himself. Keith's heart ached as he watched, realizing for the first time that there might have been some hidden reason for Lance's reckless actions.

“You're being dramatic.” Lance said after a moment.

Keith looked at him then— really looked at him. He looked at Lance's eyes and the bags that were underneath, indicating many, many nights of lost sleep. He looked at Lance's paladin armor, noting the way it didn't seem to fit him as snugly as it used to. He was suddenly overwhelmed with the desire to tuck Lance away, to keep him safe and warm, giving him the break he so clearly needed.

“No, I'm not.” He said gently, surprised at the tenderness in his own voice. “I'm completely serious.”

Lance took a step forward, brushing Keith off and bumping shoulders with him as he did so. Keith spun immediately, reaching out and grabbing Lance's arm. He held firmly, stumbling a step forward but not letting go when Lance yanked roughly in an attempt to free his arm. Keith couldn't name the emotion overwhelming him, couldn't name the emotion that was clear on Lance's face as he spun around to square off. All he knew is that the very core of his being, all the way to the deepest depths of his heart, was telling him that he absolutely was not to let to of Lance.

“What do you care, Keith?” Surprised by the outburst, Keith took a step closer. He was ready to respond, but Lance wasn't done. His voice was jagged, as if each word cut him as he spoke it. They certainly cut straight to Keith's heart. “What about what I want, huh? What I need? Do you ever stop to think about that?”

“What do you want, then? What do you need?” Keith tried his best to keep his words level, to fight against the bite that wanted to sneak in there. He knew getting upset would only worsen the situation but the anger was still boiling under his skin, bubbling away in his blood, making his entire body feel hot.

“Just forget it.” Lance said and Keith was so surprised by being shut down that he slackened his grip. Lance took advantage of it, immediately ripping his arm out of Keith's grasp and stalking out into the hallway.

Each step Lance took away from Keith hurt as if Lance were stomping on Keith's heart. The doors slid open and Lance was halfway through them before Keith was able to snap out of his shock and chase after him. He could feel Lance's growing distance echoed inside of him with a spreading emptiness. It hurt, as if his own soul were being ripped out from inside of him, to watch Lance walk away from him like that. The whole point was that he didn't want to lose Lance and somehow he had managed to push Lance away.

“Just listen, then, if you don't want to talk.” Keith called down the hallway as he followed Lance through the doors.

Almost to the end of the hallway, Lance paused. He didn’t turn around to face Keith, but he didn’t continue away from Keith either which was all Keith could ask for. Keith took a moment to close the distance between them, coming up until he was just a few steps behind Lance. He wanted to reach out and touch Lance, to comfortingly run a hand along his back, but it was clear that Lance wouldn’t be welcoming to such contact. Instead, he jammed his shoulder into the wall, leaning into it and diving in.

“I know I’m the leader and it’s my job to care about the whole team,” He began, his voice steadier than he expected it to be given that his knees were quivering, feeling like they were a moment from buckling. “But that is nowhere near the only reason I care about you, okay? I care about you because— because your smile lights up my world, Lance. Because you brighten my day. I know I can handle anything as long as I have you by my side and I always have you by my side. You’re loyal, you’re brave, you’re clever and formidable. But at the same time, you’re gentle, and understanding. You reach out for me when nobody else does and god, Lance, if you think any part of me is willing to give that up, you are sorely mistaken.”

Lance’s head was down and Keith could see the way his shoulders were rising and falling raggedly, could see the heaving breaths he was taking in. “Do you… mean that?”

“I’ve literally never meant anything more in my life,” Keith replied.

He didn’t have time to prepare before Lance was spinning around and running to him. Lance crashed into him, his face finding the crook of Keith’s neck and his arms wrapping tightly around Keith. Startled, but not unpleasantly so, Keith wrapped his arms back around Lance, finally giving in and allowing himself to trail a hand gently up and down Lance’s back. Even with his armor on, Keith knew he could feel the comforting motion.

“I didn’t think— I just—” Lance took a shuddering breath, one Keith could feel against his chest. His heart cracked open at the sensation. “I wanted you to notice me.”

“Lance,” Keith pulled away slightly to meet his gaze. “I never stop noticing you.”

And maybe it wasn’t exactly a love confession, but it was as close as Keith thought he could come right now. He couldn’t bear to say the words, couldn’t bear to put it out in the open for fear of Lance rejecting him, but he could at least hint at it. And just like usual, Lance seemed to read between the lines— to see down to the deep corners of Keith’s heart and know what was written there. A smile broke out on his face a moment before he leaned up to catch Keith in a kiss. Instinctively, Keith pressed his hand firmly against Lance’s back, pulling their chests flush together.

After a moment they separated, Lance looking up at Keith with dazzling blue eyes. “Don’t ever stop noticing me,” He breathed after a moment.

“I won’t,” Keith confirmed, a hand settling onto Lance’s cheek. “As long as you don’t ever do that again.”

“Not without you. I don’t ever want to do anything without you.” Lance murmured.

“Then don’t.”

“Okay,” Lance said, leaning into another kiss. And even though Keith was furious with Lance for what he’d done, he could feel it melting all away into the sweetness that was Lance’s lips against his, the firmness of their chests flush together and the erratic beating of his heart that indicated that Lance was, finally, his.

#klance #klance ff #klance fanfiction #klance fanfic #fluff bingo #fluff #voltron #Voltron ff #Voltron fanfic #Voltron fanfiction #vld #vld fanfic #vld fanfiction #vld ff #soft

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lizzybeth1986 · 6 years

Text

Quick Thoughts on Book 3, Chapter 14

• Apologies for the delay, guys. Still recovering.

• It's time for our Ball! YAY.

• ...and for Hana's parents. Not so yay.

• Every LI in the group has at least one not-very-ideal parent. For Liam and Maxwell it's their dads (though Bartalemy seems to be the best of the four) and for Drake and Hana it's their mums.

• Title: Welcome, One and All!

• Alternate Titles should include This Chapter Is Brought To You By Jeffery.

• For those who don't remember the TRR pre-release interviews, Jeffery is the dude who loves hats:

I'm pretty sure this chapter is his baby.

• So technically Xinghai and Lorelai have not kept in touch with Hana since her fight with Xinghai in Shanghai (that rhymes). There is a hint that she might have tried to reach out to them before the tour if you were getting engaged to her (she asks Ana de Luca to send the copies of her shoot to an address, which I presume was her home in Shanghai).

•

You bet I slammed that last option.

• There's also not a lot of difference in this scene between the Hana playthrough and the non-Hana one, and there should have been. The dynamics of this discussion will - should - be different if you're Hana's fiancée. They have Lorelai and Hana's dialogues change if you're marrying her at the end, but technically that's unavoidable. There should have been an obvious difference in dialogue here as well.

• Bertrand has returned. Again.

• AND HE'S LATE. Apparently because his son needs to be coached on proper cutlery placement through the babysitter.

• We have a brief tete-a-tete about Savannah and Bartie before moving on to our OOTD:

Tbh I think I'm okay with both. I had my reservations about the neck but I also like capes so I will take it. The traditional dove one makes you look like Red Riding Hood.

If you choose the phoenix gown, you also get to don a humongous hat, and you get the option to take it off anytime.

Esther loves hats. She's a happy happy camper xD She may not have said those 'fancy hat's comments to Regina in Book 1 but you bet she was thinking them! So Esther - and I as Esther's creator - feel validated and vindicated and all other sorts of v words 😄

• Also yes, Esther, I'm pretty sure that hat ate every other hat in Cordonia before making its way to your head.

• It's now time for our Ball, and our LIs are waiting for us to make our entrance. Liam calls you 'a heroine of myth and song', Maxwell tells you you're 'on fire', Drake asks him if you're trying to give him a heart attack, and Hana settles for a very simple 'you look gorgeous'.

• Okay yadda yadda announcements, yadda yadda speech, yadda yadda complimentes from guests esp if you chose the phoenix decor, yadda accolades all around.

• Basically the main conversations taking place at the Ball are with Madeleine, Kiara, Regina, Mara and Olivia.

- Madeleine: Mainly to close the main loop of Madeleine's role as press secretary. The previous conversation with Liam/Drake at the Lythikos Ball is implied when you choose to call her a snake, even though she sees that as a compliment.

- Kiara: You get to either call her brave, or to ask her about her well-being. Thankfully, she is able to at least sleep at night now. They're definitely wrapping up Kiara's story here. Which is okay, I'm pretty certain it wasn't meant to be manifested in the first place and I suppose I'm expected to be grateful she got some attention. But I won't be, because she deserved this - and perhaps better. I couldn't care less for her brother and would rather not see him again but at least they had the decency to wrap up her storyline first this time rather than ignore it in favour of him completely.

- One of my favourite sequences is the one with Regina. She's clearly affected by Constantine's death and still hasn't recovered enough to get used to the idea of attending a Ball without his presence yet. But you also see her struggling with the stoicism she's been brought up on, and chastising herself because she can't. You have the choice of either asking her what Constantine would have told her if he were alive (like hell I'll choose that option!) or telling her she should allow herself to grieve. I thought her parting words in this conversation were beautiful.

- Mara: From Mara we learn that the Nevrakis family had connections with the Sons of Earth, and that in fact Anton is the son of the leader of that group. I've seen some interesting theories around this, one of which is (I believe this one is @alicars theory) that he is Francesco's son. Which...would make that first meeting in Italy quite interesting, as well as the reveal that Francesco was friends with Liam's mother. Will Liam's mother's background be brought up in future chapters??

- Olivia: So this is what all our efforts to win Olivia over culminates into! I have such Diavolos vibes with this scene (not the betrayal bit, but the winning their trust bit. Olivia I think sticks by Liam's side whether she likes you or not), because if you look at the TCaTF ally chart in Book 3, Diavolos' name is the last on the list of people to join you, even though he has spent time with you as an ally and been part of the rescue mission to save Mind Control!Dom. In a lot of ways, while Olivia has a huge connection to Liam and becomes your ally on that score, it requires effort and some ice-breaking to get her to fully support you.

• Say hello to my new pets y'all!

As of now Esther has a horse named Celestia, a corgi names Joy, a visiting hawk named Tiberius, a black panther named Cava and two red pandas she has named Hansel and Gretel.

• I wonder if you have the ensuing group scene if you don't choose to accept the red pandas (I'd see for myself but the red pandas have really adorable sad faces).

• The group scene is alright, it's a lot like the one in Shanghai with the pandas. Liam is adorable and holds them like a pro, Maxwell is super super SUPER excited, Hana is shocked by their lack of manners (Hana they're animals!) in comparison to pandas and Drake is a mean meanie. You have Zeke on the side giving us factual animal info.

• We're now back at the estate, and Hana's folks have arrived.

• TO TAKE HANA BACK???

• Hana puts up a good fight against her mum (let's be honest, Xinghai hardly seems to have a say in this. He looks sad about this and barely gets in a sentence. This show is all Lorelai's), and refuses to come with them, at which point Lorelai insists on taking her belongings away since they belong to the Lee family, and she isn't a Lee anymore.

• You know what I want Hana to say?

"FINE KEEP THE CRUMMY LUGGAGE MOM LETS SEE IF YOU CAN MAKE ANOTHER WHOLEASS CHILD OUT OF THAT"

• Please tell me she gets to kick Lorelai's ass this chapter. Please.

• So the Ball and festival will continue this chapter, and I'm guessing that any drama might happen later on in the Capitol if we go by the trajectory of the previous books. The places most closely connected to the MC - Ramsford, New York, Valtoria - are usually where you forget briefly the tension in the books, before being plunged into complete and total chaos.

• I still think there's a LOT we have left to find out. A LOT.

• There is a possibility that Hana will get a diamond scene post her confrontation with her parents. And as far as I can see it, this is the culmination of her entire journey, her entire struggle. This is the last shot the writers have at doing justice to her character, and giving her a good scene. If Hana doesn't get an extremely fulfilling, nuanced scene - one that has a marked difference between her as a fiancee and her as a friend - then I doubt she will get another one. They will have lost their chance to be fair to this character.

• And if they fail to do justice to this character...I'm afraid that will be the end for me. I may be chapter reviews and essays, I may still write stuff inspired by this book...but whatever love I still have for TRR will be lost for good.

• Because you know what you're telling me, a brown woman with an upbringing not entirely unlike Hana's? Who loves this character and has to now try to relate to her because her own writers didn't give me enough material? You're telling me that you don't think stories like Hana's - stories like mine - are worth attention, worth nuance, worth telling properly, worth telling with heart. You're telling me women like Hana are alright as tokens, but not important enough as characters. You're telling me you want the accolades that go with using women of colour in your stories, but don't want to put in the work. In fact...you're already telling me that. You've been telling me that for the last two books.

• I'm sincerely hoping this will change with the chapter I will play now, and that I and other Hana stans don't walk away from this chapter disappointed. I really, really do. It won't completely make up for the lack of care they have given this character...but it will be SOMETHING.

• With that, I'm going to go into this week's chapter, folks. Seeya!

#the royal romance #long post #king liam #drake walker #hana lee #maxwell beaumont #lady kiara #queen regina #olivia nevrakis #trr quick thoughts #quick thoughts #valtoria #cordonia

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inkxlenses · 6 years

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Regarding post/172299066623/istj-hedonist-samlick23-istj-hedonist-when I don't get why people would compare mbti with astrology and shit. It's as flawed as any other personality theories but it's still a system that works. Astrology doesn't even deserve to be called a personality theory 😩 And just like u said it's never about 'personality' anyway?? That test clusters people yet only considers people's behaviors as if nobody doesn;t have shit like that

Okay. These are among the most exciting asks that I have received so far. I would like for this blog to be as drama-free™ as much as possible because it’s just my virtual escape™. I have also always expressed that I don’t consider this blog as solely an aesthetic™ and inspiration blog. In fact, I was very humbled to be encouraged by my friends and followers to continue including topics that interest me in this blog. But even though this is my blog, I know that I have the responsibility to check what I post here to ensure that nothing would negatively affect someone else’s mental and emotional health (especially as I have observed that most of my followers are minors). So I would just keep my response under the line—and because it’s just really, really, long. HAHA. Also, just for future reference, if you oh-so-hate MBTI [or whatever piece of knowledge I feature here/ if you’re only interested with the aesthetic™ content], you could blacklist my *mbti*, *text* and *photo* tags.

Coincidentally, I would be having a mini-hiatus, and this would be my only response regarding this topic because I’m not really fond of tumblr drama™. I would be temporarily disabling anonymous asks during my break, so if you have anything you would like to discuss with me, kindly contact me via private messaging (but please be patient with my response. I promise I would get back to you as soon as I become online). My only request is that you should first read what I have to say before reacting to anything, because I might have already discussed what you are trying to ask. No worries, I wouldn’t judge nor hate you for your opinions. I actually welcome and enjoy healthy debates (as it is part of my real-life job lmao). And I’m not a fragile snowflake™ so you could really talk to me about anything, I wouldn’t mind :P

Firstly and most importantly, I want to apologize to anyone who had been offended or had felt attacked on my rant. I was not describing a particular person in the *inner dialogue*, and it’s not my intention to offend anyone. So if anyone had felt this way, again, my apologies.

So what is this post about?

I had recently reblogged an MBTI post where I was referring to the function theory—not the common MBTI stereotypes and misconceptions circulating over the internet. And just like what I had mentioned over and over again [and on my tags on that particular MBTI post], online MBTI tests are not accurate and should not be taken seriously. It’s disappointing how 16personalities have been profiting from this by selling misinformation to people. This was OP’s topic, in which I had just agreed with their views and had personally shared my opinions as well. Yet it seems to be that there had been some misunderstanding regarding said topic. Literally OP’s argument—and the same criticisms we continuously read regarding MBTI *points to some of the anons above*—are exactly what we are critiquing as well, because these are common misconceptions and stereotypes which are not related to the theory anyway. So I don’t really understand the intense reaction regarding our opinions on the letter dichotomy and online MBTI tests, because we actually disapprove of the same things as well. Weird -_-

I never mentioned nor even vaguely expressed that MBTI should be the zenith™, the absolute “ Law™ ”, nor do I believe that it should monopolize all the ideas in personality theories. That’s just.. funny. We wouldn’t mind if the function theory is not your thing; you can leave it just like that. Simple. Just like how everyone else has their own beliefs and interests that others simply don’t agree with as well. Nobody would forcefully entice you to MBTI, especially if you had not expressed your interest and curiosity for it. It’s just a matter of respecting others’ POVs and interests.

I could easily brush this off because I truly believe that people are entitled to their opinions, and I respect that. More importantly, I had studied typology for several years now that I’m already quite confident of my knowledge about it. Thus, I won’t easily be shaken by criticisms about the theory—which I’m very much aware of anyway. Sadly, it’s seems to be an automatic impulse in tumblr to hate, rather than communicate. My friends had told me of someone publicly posting something defamatory with regards to the MBTI post that I reblogged. I don’t know what that particular blog had been aiming for, but clearly their hateful intent had failed miserably. I didn’t expect the support of my friends, more so, the consideration of people from the MBTI community. I really want to thank everyone who had supported and understood me even if I wasn’t online during that time. My friends are so protective of me, and the responses of people from the MBTI community had been so funny and adorable I’m SO flattered. Watch as my face turns vermillion xD

With that said, I felt like I should at least explain my part and answer the anons who aren’t in favour of MBTI. I just want to stress that I don’t plan to forcefully persuade you to believe MBTI. My only intent is so that you could look into my perspective as I share my knowledge and understanding after many years of studying the theory, in contrast to the misconceptions and stereotypes about it, which I believe is what these anons were referring to. I emphasize that if MBTI is not your *thing*, then you could simply ignore it. This topic is very important to me because it had helped with my well-being, introspection, relationship with others, career, and general outlook in life. So I just want to clarify some points with regards to the asks above^ because I believe some misunderstandings had occurred. So thank you very much @hueristix, @clumsynix, @ckatharcis, @tzeentchs-secretary and anons for your messages. I am really so thrilled to discuss my views with you.

The cognitive function theory—more commonly known and referred to as MBTI [especially here]—explores the human cognition, NOT outward behaviours and personal preferences. Contrary to what the first anon had said, I believe that we cannot compare the theory with astrology because the former never categorizes how humans act the way they act, more so, it never simply propose their “ personality traits ”. The theory recognizes that every person has their own free will, inherent capabilities, traits, emotions, and preferences (etc. I could go on and on, I swear), and would be constantly affected by personal struggles, life circumstances and other external factors through out their life.. and well, basically just like what Jeanne (ckatharcis) had referred to, it acknowledges that humans cannot be “ clustered ” simply through their behaviours, personal preferences, traits, etc. because again, the theory is NOT about that. Thought process is the essential and primordial reason why outward behaviours, personal preferences, emotions, etc. are easily observable in a person, and NOT the other way around. Thus, it’s also the reason why your type cannot change contrary to common misconceptions, and essentially the reason why tests are not reliable. [Link 1, Link 2—I highly recommend this post.]

I think the first anon is not familiar with the function theory, but, instead, with the letter dichotomies (i.e. I vs. E, etc.) which is the general principle on the said 16personalities site [and other online MBTI tests]. This was exactly what OP had criticized and what I had discussed on my *inner dialogue*. Again, I do not blame the first anon or anybody else who are familiar with this concept because misconceptions and stereotypes are easier to be accessed, contrary to the theory itself which would definitely require time and in-depth research to get acquainted with. I understand that not everyone would be interested to invest time and effort on something that they would just like to casually learn. And it’s okay.

However, I would like to clarify that I [and I truly believe that OP as well] have no intention to humiliate, condemn, mock or ostracize people who had only been familiar with MBTI stereotypes (the letter dichotomy) and/or had only taken online MBTI tests, because we understand that [again], sadly, those misconceptions are disappointingly perpetuating in the internet and even on some books. OP had clearly stated that their only issue was how people who aren’t really familiar with the function theory should refrain from initiating any MBTI-related discussion. Even if I personally agree with OP, their premise was repeatedly contradicted by others who were justifying the validity of 16personalities. However, I believe that asking questions and expressing genuine interest to learn more is different from spreading misinformation to others. As long as you do your own research first, the MBTI community here is actually very welcoming of people who would like to learn more of the theory. The MBTI community here also encourages critical thinking, exchanges of different ideas, and endless rational debates—which is exciting, right?

I think OP had been very honest with their opinion (though may had been perceived as *offensive* and rude by some) and I truly concur with their points. I’ve said in my *inner dialogue* how I believe that spreading wrong information is destructive. It is damaging to other people who have only been starting to learn the theory, to take advice and information, or be mentored by people who had been misinformed as well. Why? Because above all else, the theory is used for self-evaluation and understanding of one’s strengths and weaknesses (with regards to their cognitive process), to provide clear direction on how to advance towards their personal growth and development. For that reason, if one is mistyped, and they generally believe that their thought process works this *particular* way and that they have *certain* strengths and/or weaknesses, then they are not only failing to seize the opportunity to recognize their *actual* strengths and weaknesses through fully understanding how their cognition works, but they could also potentially damage their mental health and well-being because that is not how their thought process operates. It worsens when spreading misinformation like that is increasing exponentially.

We would never dismiss nor humiliate anyone who have only been starting to familiarize themselves with the theory, because we had been beginners as well. Mate, my blog is not an MBTI blog, but I have two mutuals who had been so humble to admit that they had fell for that abomination-of-a-test, and had asked me about the basics and other resources to study the theory. I never ridiculed them; contrary, I was so proud of their humility to admit that they had been misinformed, and of their willingness to learn. There is no shame in that. I really admire people who admit their mistakes or ignorance because I know that people who think this way are really the ones who have the desire to learn and improve, and have insatiable thirst to absorb more knowledge.

I’ve been studying the function theory for about 3 or 4 years now, but I still consider myself to be a newbie at this. Even if I’m already quite confident of my knowledge about it, I know that I still have a lot more to learn [and that’s exciting]. But OP and other legit MBTI blogs here have been studying this theory for many years now, and they are considered as reliable resource persons for other MBTI enthusiasts as well [at least in tumblr]. Which is why I think [just my opinion], they could easily retaliate on insults or misinformation thrown at them by people who don’t even make an effort to read just the basics and/or have poor acumen to just believe everything they read on the internet, yet have all the liberty in the world to whine and be [passive-aggressively] defensive to rationalize their misconceptions of the theory. These legit MBTI blogs know what they’re talking about, and I think you could be the judge as to how they could react to insults thrown at them by people who don’t even understand the topic itself. I’ll just quote hueristix here, “ laziness should not be an excuse to ignorance ”. As I’ve said before: be receptive to different ideas, yet skeptical enough to question everything before accepting any piece of information as real™. And yes, that includes everything I say. After all, I’m just responding to opinions as well and we’re all just stating our subjective views here. We wouldn’t mind if the function theory is not your thing; you can leave it just like that. Simple. Nobody would forcefully entice you to MBTI, especially if you had not expressed your interest and curiosity for it. It’s just a matter of respecting others’ POVs and interests.

Yes, I am passionate about this theory and I know it is fine. But never had I mentioned nor even vaguely expressed that MBTI should be the zenith™, the absolute “ Law™ ”, nor do I believe that it should monopolize all the ideas in personality theories. I don’t know if what the first anon actually meant was: since I’m so passionate of this theory, then MBTI must be My Favourite™ personality theory, thus, I propose that it should be held true above all else.. but uhm I just want to clarify that MBTI is not My Favourite™ (I even prefer Enneagram over it, sorry haha). I am aware that it’s not the most recognized personality theory in the field of Psychology. And I had said it before, and I’ll say it again: just like any other typological theories, I know that MBTI has its merits and flaws. Though there is qualitative neuroscientific research intended to point evidence to the existence of cognitive functions in the human mind, MBTI is still not 100% considered to be scientific by some [because according to them there is no physical manifestation of cognitive functions. Uhm. I’d just leave it like that.. For now]. No personality theory is infallible. And again, as I had said in verbatim on my *inner dialogue*: “ The human mind is so complex. And to propose that a person’s *personality* could easily be identified through a 10-minute test is just absurdly.. laughable to me [not to mention that that test is focused more on NATURAL HUMAN behaviours and not cognition—which is what the theory is about anyway xxxx xxxx xxxx] like wtf so amazeballs that they could identify my *personality* with such an overly-random question that any other person could have strong preference over the other. ”. So I don’t really understand what the first anon’s critic was, because what they had pointed out was exactly what OP, I, and basically all the people who had studied this theory are continually expressing. Based on my tags alone, we’re actually on the same team™ here.

How? (1) I had said earlier that the theory does not limit human free will. It understands that people have innate imprints in them that manifest on how they act, talk, feel, etc. In the same way, it also understands how people and their preferences are constantly developing and changing [and yes as the first anon said, “ evolving ”], because humans will continue to encounter and be exposed to several personal afflictions, relationship struggles, disappointments, successes, gratifications, religious beliefs, cultural conformity, and other life-altering situations and external factors throughout their lifetime that will heavily affect their behavioural makeup and adaptability to their external environment. Everyone—whatever their type may be—can behave any way they like depending on the situations and circumstances that they are dealing with, because there are many factors that affect and influence how people behave, not only a person’s type. BUT their cognitive functions have been there all along, constantly operating, even if their *functional stack* could fluctuate on their healthy and/or unhealthy states depending on how they had adjusted and adapted to these circumstances [uhm more advanced topic of the theory—see the beauty of this theory? It’s never obsolete. Contrary to misconceptions, the theory recognizes the erratic human nature. It pains me how people could outright dismiss and insult the theory without studying it first, because they fail to realize its usefulness in a person’s life, more than what that shite site says *ho hum*]. (2) I agree with most of the principles of the function theory because it doesn’t “ categorize everyone into 16 cutout personality types ”, nor does it have a manual that says “ ‘here are a few common personality traits, be free’ aspect ”. MBTI stereotypes and ideas from the 16personalities assert that; the function theory does not. (3) [uhm this is getting so repetitive now] The theory is not about what our external behaviours are, nor does it dictate what our *personalities* are. Rather, on the simplest terms, it analyzes how we think. It analyzes how we make decisions, through our cognitive process, when we encounter a particular situation.

Hopefully, my explanation would be enough to clear up some misunderstandings from the aforesaid post. However, I believe that this explanation alone would not suffice for anyone who are still confused with the theory and/or for those who are interested to learn more. Hence, the next section is really just for reference and further clarification, just in case there are still some questions that others are still confused about. That said, I know that I would not be able to articulate these ideas the way this particular blog do [and I don’t want to sound like a bot if I would just be reciting their ideas exactly as they had expressed it], so I’d just be quoting one of the most reliable MBTI blogs here and a personal favourite of mine (mbti-notes), to give insight on some issues that had been critiqued on that post. These are really interesting and thought-provoking ideas so I hope you could take time to read them. Also, I highly-recommend their blog!

[With regards to common MBTI stereotypes and misconceptions]:

Anonymous: Stereotypes give people wrong assumptions about what types are. They don’t define what your personality or your actions are going to be like. They don’t even define what thoughts you have. It’s simply the pattern and the functions you use to come to conclusions. I’m an ENTP (22) and my best friend is an ENFP (23). Yet people would probably switch our two types because I tend to be very gentle and kind around others while she appears more tough and openly says what she thinks.

I appreciate your point. Part of the reason for the stereotyping problem is that the information online and even in books is dominated by two main schools of thought that focus very heavily on behavior at the expense of cognition (Myers-Briggs and Keirsey Temperaments), so a lot of people do not realize that there are other (better) interpretations available. My first exposure to typology was through Keirsey and, although I thought it was interesting at the time, I wasn’t able to see the full potential of the system because everything was masked behind simplistic labels (stereotypes) that didn’t seem to connect with real life to the degree that I thought was necessary to be a truly viable theory of personality. I think a lot of people get interested in MBTI because of its practical applicability in situations like personal relationships or group/work environments and MBTI is good for learning some general rules of thumb that can help you improve the ways in which you deal with different kinds of people. However, general rules of thumb very easily morph into stereotyping and pigeonholing when people do not understand the finer details of the theory and then apply the ideas and principles too carelessly. The human mind is prone to lazy overgeneralizing or drawing invalid conclusions as it is and the lack of depth in the information available unfortunately encourages that laziness. (Source)

[With regards to MBTI’s *accuracy*]:

Anonymous: Do you think that other personality identification types such as Alignment and Global 5/SLOAN are more, less, or just as accurate as MBTI can be?

“Accuracy” is not really the right question. Every theory of personality that is developed by academics is put together very deliberately to serve a particular purpose, and it must be used as intended in order to preserve validity. Unfortunately, when the ideas trickle down into mainstream consciousness, the original purpose of the theory often gets lost in translation, with the general public using it more like a horoscope or fortune cookie and then complaining about the inaccuracies. Every kind of theory has its advantages and disadvantages. For instance, the Five Factor model is a trait theory, which has the advantage of being easily quantifiable and very reliable for statistical analysis. However, there is no actual theoretical underpinning for it because the traits are derived from factor or data analysis, which offers no explanation as to why traits exist, how they arise, why there are only five, and so on. Trait theories are limited in what they are able to explain about human behavior but they remain very useful for doing replicable research studies. There is of course some overlap of concepts between trait theories and type category theories like MBTI.

Cognitive function theory is a qualitative and holistic model of personality that sprawls into other related areas of psychology. Qualitative research excels at theoretical analysis and depth of detailed explanations and is less conducive to statistical analysis/prediction. Jung developed psychological types as a part of the psychoanalytic tradition, however, that tradition fell out of favor in the US to make way for more popular quantitative research methods, though it continued to expand in certain European circles. Myers & Briggs and David Keirsey brought it back to life in a more digestible form but it was never meant to be distilled to such an extreme degree; MBTI essentially turned into a corporate money making tool and Keirsey rejected the notion of cognitive functions in favor of behavioral descriptors. Many of the criticisms that are leveled at MBTI are legitimate but not actually applicable to cognitive function theory because of not seeing the full extent of it and how it is embedded firmly within the long history of psychoanalytic theory, a school of thought which has done more than any other to reveal the qualities of the unconscious mind. Now that there is emerging neuroscientific research that confirms some of these old ideas about the unconscious, there is some resurgence in their popularity within research circles. (Source)

[With regards to MBTI’s basics, development and “scientific” basis]:

Anonymous: The J/P dichotomy is particularly interesting because, say, you have already three letters I N F, the last letter decides not only your dominant and auxiliary functions, it flips the stack; INFP (Fi-Ne-Si-Te) vs. INFJ (Ni-Fe-Ti-Se), and then we read that according to descriptions those types are very different. But then we also have a lot of people who can’t really decide if they’re INFJ or INFP. It’s all very strange to me.

It’s strange to you because (judging by the earlier question) you haven’t understood what the J/P distinction really means and you haven’t properly distinguished cognition and behavior. Two different cognitive functions can manifest similar looking behaviors on the surface (as I have explained numerous times in the guides, please read them carefully). E.g. Any introvert can be reflective but the reasons WHY a particular individual is reflective, the motive and explanation behind it, differs according to the cognitive functions involved (Fi vs Ni). If you don’t know the details of their inner cognitive processes, you cannot see the differences because, just looking from the outside, all you see is that they are both reflective in demeanor. xxxx xxxx xxxx MBTI type descriptions are purposely simplistic because newbies don’t know the theory and therefore must identify themselves through simple behavioral descriptors. MB designed their system in part to sidestep the complicated process of learning function theory so that more people could access it, a noble intention, therefore simple type descriptions do not include all the info you need to type accurately because they do not address variations within type and cognitive function specifics. In other words, problems with typing stem from lack of knowledge of the theory, usually because of not going any deeper than the simplified descriptions/tests. The test was meant to be administered and interpreted by an expert, which means that people run into all kinds of problems when they try to self-type with limited to no knowledge of type theory.

[continuation of the ask] Is there any real scientific proof that Jungian cognitive functions exist? Dario Nardi’s attempts are certainly interesting, but it’s a common knowledge that EEG method is far from being reliable. Also, on one of his AMA discussions on reddit he presented instances when he was testing midlife INFJ adults who he couldn’t differentiate from of ISTPs, which he attributed to the use the second most common pattern (Ti-Se for INFJs). So, which model is true, or is this a combination of dichotomies and functional stack model? Can you shed some light on those issues and inconsistencies? Additionally, I’d really like your opinion on Reynierse’s articles (“Preference Multidimensionality and the Fallacy of Type Dynamics”, etc.). Thank you. The question of “science” has already been beaten to death over and over again so I’ve grown impatient with this can of worms. I don’t have much to say about Nardi, he’s pursuing his ideas and more power to him, but his work is not particularly interesting to me because it is getting away from other aspects of type theory that I am more interested in. xxxx xxxx xxxxx Some people latch onto him because they desperately want some kind of “scientific proof” of the functions. Some people dabble in typology and keep demanding “scientific proof” but don’t understand the differences between quantitative and qualitative research. There are different kinds of theories, with different kinds of objectives, with different standards of measurement, with different methods of application - the scientific method is only one valid research framework and it should not be the measure of all things. Traditionally, science often includes the concept of falsifiability but you can’t falsify that which is not within the realm of empirical fact, e.g., you can’t falsify human valuations or subjective meaning/experience, so are these things not “real”? Do you understand the difference between facts and values? Do you believe that only scientific measurements can imbue ideas with value? Do you believe that materialistic explanations of human psychology are the be-all and end-all? Not everything about human experience can be reduced to neurons and electrons. If you think it can, then feel free to dismiss type theory as crap because it’s not going to fit well with your assumptive worldview. Also, abstract and concrete knowledge are different and should be treated differently. No idea is “real” because “real” implies concrete, and ideas are abstract. One can easily claim that any idea is not “real” depending on how you want to set your standards of measurement. xxxx xxxx xxxx Similarly, people claim that “types” or “functions” are not real even when they themselves: behave as type theory describes, suffer the problems that type theory describes, feel attracted to the relationships that type theory describes, follow the developmental path that type theory describes.  

Before you ask for “scientific proof”, you should first define exactly what standards of proof would satisfy you and make you believe that cognitive functions are “real”. It is quite often the case that people who like to harp about scientific “proof” don’t even understand what they’re asking for or to what end, they demand proof but no matter what proof is offered, they keep moving the goalposts because they are actually more interested in criticizing than understanding (see climate change deniers as the perfect example). Just so you know, many mbti bloggers are tired of dealing with such people, we’ve already gone through all these arguments a million times. I’m not saying you’re one of these people but beware that you’re stepping into a complex discussion and don’t seem sufficiently prepared. Instead of making people explain or educate you, state your exact criteria of scientific proof and I’ll happily tell you if type theory passes. Type theory is a big theory and some people find it hard to understand even the basic type concepts which barely scratch the surface because the theory goes far beyond simple typing. It is an incomplete and fragmented theory, with many people working on it for different reasons in different directions. Many people have found elements of type theory very useful and accurate in their lived experiences, even using it to permanently solve long running psychological issues, even using it to deftly cure relationship problems. There is piecemeal neuroscience evidence which does not directly relate to type theory but nonetheless corroborates it. I wouldn’t know if any of this is enough “proof” because you haven’t specified exactly what proof you’re demanding. If the book falling on your head doesn’t prove gravity is “real”, then I suppose all the people whose thought processes match the principles of type dynamics don’t count as real proof either. The results say a lot. I run a popular typology blog and have dealt with thousands of people, so I at least don’t suffer from sample-size-1. Type dynamics describes very specific problems and offers workable solutions, and I’ve witnessed many different kinds of people from different backgrounds, cultures, walks of life apply these ideas with great success. Is this “empirical evidence”? I’ve had the most hardened scientifically-minded strangers think I’m a magical wizard when I can knit together their life story and reveal their innermost insecurities based only on four letters, yet all I’m doing is applying and extrapolating from the theoretical ideas as I understand them, nothing more.  

All I will say about arguments against type dynamics is that they usually can’t see the forest because they’re stuck in the trees: they get wrapped up in granular details and superficial inconsistencies; they don’t see the historical big picture of how every model evolves from and contains the same set of ideas; they don’t see how some disagreements between models are merely semantic and actually address the same underlying concept; they don’t fully grasp the principles of type dynamics and then produce strawman criticisms (some of the points in those articles actually support, add to, or help clarify type dynamics rather than debunk it); they perceive the explanatory flexibility of type dynamics as a flaw, not a strength; they probably prefer trait theories because they are easily quantifiable (and then completely miss the point of type dynamics); they don’t see how the ideas could potentially fit with mathematical dynamics and energy flow. Any theory worth its salt should remain open to criticism, development, and further clarification but, in order to critique a theory successfully, you must first understand it, and I don’t think the author of those articles has understood type dynamics well enough. (Source)

Again, I apologize to anyone who had been offended of what I said in my tags. And thank you very much for taking the time to read this post! :)

P.S. I have no intention to answer that anon who made a sexist comment about M & B. I have already discussed what my points are regarding MBTI Tests™, so I wouldn’t really judge them or anyone else for having fun with taking multiple personality tests. But since I think this anon have zero knowledge of the theory anyway, I have to clarify that it wasn’t created by M & B [who, by the way, even if they had not been psychologists by profession, had made extensive research of the theory—probably more than you would ever do, anon. Then again, I don’t really adhere to M & B’s approach], but was devised by one of the best minds psychology has ever known. FYI that person was a man—if anon would feel more validated™ to know that their own sex is the perfect authority for objective™ measurement of intelligence or competence *cough* it actually isn’t *cough*. Also, I really am so tired already to rebut something that is completely illogical, it’s even barely understandable. *ho hum* I’m very open to discuss opinions that differ from mine, but if you are trying to establish your argument through a sexist comment, then don’t expect that I would answer you with respect.

#asks #anonymous #answered #tagging this as:#negativity #just to be safe #ckatharcis #clumsynix #hueristix #tzeentchs-secretary #please ignore any typos and grammatical errors #i'm too tired to proofread this haha

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withered-rose-unbreakable-lotus · 3 years

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Gonna talk about personal here regarding having sex. And etc.

I never had any romantic relationship, but had one experience (like sexting?) when I was teen to someone two years older (we've been pals for years and never do it physically). It was a thrill and I don't think I want to do it IRL, because part of me assumed it as traumatic experience, and I always afraid to look for romantic partner / starting a family of my own.

Aside sexual thing, like basically everything could ruin your marriage. I don't want it. But I'm touchstarving fellow who's weakness is keeping good relation to anyone.

I'm super envy when people goes saying how they love their partner. I want to be / have one, but I'm a coward and couldn't praise anything.

I want to take care of people, but to imagine people does it to me? Give me a break.

First off, I’d like to say I was going to answer privately to that, based on the subject, but, since it’s on anon, I am really sorry I have to post the reply like that. This is something I consider personal, therefore easier for both the person sending and myself to be open to such a conversation without fear who’s watching, judging etc. To your message, now, I too have never been into a romantic relationship before due to various reasons, some of which are based on a couple of same fears you’re describing here so, I totally understand what you mean and it’s super valid to feel that way. People keep mentioning only people who feel better not being in a relationship, or being in one and not having sex, when it comes to that subject, but not much for people like you or me, who do want the relationship part but can’t imagine themselves succeeding in keeping it strong, loving, passionate, or sth else, or even all of the above. People who’ve suffered abuse are also mentioned in such conversations, people who’ve been traumatized to try and then wish for their partners to have patience with them, as not everyone who’s been through sth like that can just “get over it“ or heal by themselves before trying a relationship with someone who shows them they deserve to be loved, or to not be afraid of abuse cause not everyone is abusive, or anything else their trauma has created in their mind and body to feel that fear. The thing is, whether it’s talked about or not, there are various reasons for people not to "feel ”able to get into a relationships or sexual contact with someone, and I use the word “feel“ loosely, because I personally think everyone is able to get into a relationship if they really want it, but fear or trauma or sth else holds them back. I am not talking about those who really don’t want it, here. Relationships are not something everyone wants and that’s okay, so anyone not into relationships here please don’t bite, that’s not what I meant.

I generalize a lot, though. To be more specific: In my opinion (which could be super wrong so please don’t take this as a fact or judgement) if part of you thinks that was a traumatizing experience for you, it is. I have experienced this myself and known people who’ve been through this before. I mean having been through something many people have and find normal, yet when you went through it, it felt scarring or even traumatic. When you go through such a feeling for something considered “normal“ you often end up thinking that maybe you are exaggerating, or that you are being oversensitive, but let me tell you what, not all people have the same limits and sensitivities. If some people are fine doing sth like that, good for them, but it’s not the same for everyone so, if you feel that hurt you, it probably did, so I think you should start from there when you think “when did i start feeling scared of getting into a relationship.“. Like you said though, there is more to that than that experience and like I said, several of these things I have felt too for my own reasons. I suck at keeping friends for a long time so i also understand your feeling unable to keep good relationships with anyone. I’ve only now started to get some balance, the last two-three years and honestly I don’t trust myself that I will manage to keep doing that. I think about it at least once a week. When I am down, it gets worse, I often find myself thinking who I should speak to and how that would affect my relationship with them because I am tired of losing friends. As for partners I have never tried but I’ve also come across people who never managed to keep friends, but have found excellent partners, so I no longer think that your ability to keep your friendships going has anything to do with your ability to keep a romantic partner or have a family. Just bringing that last one up as an example and personal observation.

I feel touchstarved a lot too, sometimes, but due to the fact I’ve also grown to dislike being touched without permission, it doesn’t bother me as much as not having someone to hold, myself. It’s like you want to give a hug but not receive it? xD Sth like that. I want to give a lot, but not necessarily receive as I too can’t imagine someone taking care of me, both due to seeing the kind of love most people enjoy (which is unfortunately not my type, but luckily that equals to me not being jealous of anyone unless I see the kind of love I am looking for, which is rare) and also because I don’t feel I deserve it. So envy is super rare for me but I do get that with all of the social media image, most people like me or like you would feel that way. If it helps in any way, try to think that those posting their love life a lot might not be showing you the bad or even real moments of their relationship. I am not saying that everyone who posts about their love all the time are fake, some people can’t stop talking about their partner when in love (been there, just with my feelings not returned), but a big percentage of them are so tell yourself that when you are feeling jealous and specify the kind of love you want and if you’d really like to have that kind of love or just love in general. It won’t solve anything but it might make you feel better.

Anyway, I am sorry I shared some advice too, I am sure you only wished to share your feelings and you already know the things I said, I didn’t say anything revolutionary anyway but please don’t give up. If it makes you feel better, start with friendships. Find people you got as many things as possible in common and try to get involved. As for partners, I don’t know what to say because I gave up on the idea long ago, but I really believe you can find someone, if that is something you want. Will it heal your fear your marriage could go to waste every single moment? No. I have the same fear, I don’t think it ever goes away. But you can always discuss it with your partner when it shows up. Now, if you are a person who dates men, it might get harder to discuss this frequently as I have noticed men find it a bit annoying when you constantly want to discuss your relationship, but if you’re into girls, I think it’s easier. Even if you don’t put yourself in a box and don’t mind such a thing, I consider women and nonbinary people more likely to discuss this often, than men, I don’t know. I guess I have lost faith in men way too much. ^^’> Again, if you wish to give up on the idea, do it, but envy is there for a reason, so I’d suggest you kept trying to find sb you like and if you do, try to be friends with them at first. You might get friendzoned yes, but in my opinion, the percentage of the possibility to be friendzoned is almost the same as that you’d get rejected at the first or one of the first dates with someone. Get to know the person you like, give yourself space to feel comfortable with them and if it is to happen it will happen. If it happens then instead of focusing on the ways everything can ruin it, focus on the ways you can save it. :) Think to yourself “what does my partner like“ and then which of those things are fine for you to do or try to show them your love. If they still leave despite your being giving, understanding etc, then they just weren’t for you. It’s not always your fault. People can be cruel. And those of them who are broken might give up on something they needed because they didn’t think they deserve it, which is why I said focus on the ways you could save it. You don’t have to force yourself though. That’s a big no. You can choose to heal inside a relationship or before getting into one. You could address to a psychologist to learn to control your fear, as well, I personally refuse to do that, but not everyone is me, so you can do as you please.

Either way, I really hope this eventually works out for you and you can always get into a relationship without expecting anything, that way you can get less hurt if it turns sours, but it can be so rewarding when you eventually realize someone is actually giving back. ^^ Give it a chance only when you are sure you can trust a person at least at 10%. Your fears won’t allow you trust them completely and your self-sabotage might get in the way so try that, if you really want to be with someone one day. Get to know them, try to see if you’d trust them and then try to make a move oooor discuss it with them, what kind of person you are looking for I mean. They might like you back if they realize what you are looking for is “similar“ to them. :3 Best of luck to you, dear. As hard as life may be and as hard as it might have hit you, don’t let it win. It’s your life, goddammit, if you want sth go after it even if you’re afraid. Courage has nth to do with being free of fear, it is being able to tell your fears you’re doing this even if you’re shaking. If it is what you want (getting in a romantic and loving relationship), then no one, not your fears, nor social media, nor society, not even God, themselves, if they exist, can tell you you cannot have it.

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