#POV: peter pettigrew | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

1doesnotsimplyhavejust1fandam · 8 months

Text

Imagine being such close besties with someone that your entire world knows about it. Just. Sirius Black and James Potter being so close that literally nobody questions that Sirius was the Potters’ Secret Keeper, even when he immediately went after Peter in a very public way, instead of laying low like any sane person would do after they were just revealed a traitor and their precious Lord died (although, they did think Sirius went mad, so it makes sense in a way). But of everyone in the Order, no one once questioned the Potters making Sirius their Secret Keeper, despite his prejudiced family, despite the Prank, despite any number of ways in which Sirius wasn’t perfect. Everyone in the Wizarding World still saw Sirius and James, and thought, “yeah, there’s no way it was anyone else, even if the betrayal makes their friendship seem so much less deep”. There was no reason for Remus to question it because he watched James and Sirius be the best of friends for a decade, he knew Sirius was Harry’s godfather, he knew James would have trusted no one more, that Lily loved Sirius and thought the world of him. There really was no other choice for the Potters, to anyone.

Which makes Peter being Secret Keeper that much more awful because it was such a genius move! Sirius was actually so smart to try this twist, to suggest making Peter the Secret Keeper. He knew everyone knew how close him and James were, how close he’d always been to the Potter family, he knew they’d come after him and Sirius would’ve DIED rather than betray his friends, his godson. He would’ve died to protect Peter too, so that nobody would know who the Secret Keeper really was. There was no reason to suspect Peter when there was Sirius Black, known Death Eater hater and unendingly loyal to his friends, RIGHT THERE. If Sirius really HAD died, he would’ve gone out thinking his friends would still be safe bc once Voldemort discovered he wasn’t the Secret Keeper, it would’ve jumped to Remus or even an older Light member like Moody or Dumbledore. Sirius damned himself knowingly, before ever finding out that Peter had gotten the Potters killed.

Sometimes I think about how Sirius managed to convince James and Lily to use Peter instead of him. They both must’ve known that Sirius would be killed immediately once it was determined that he didn’t know the Secret, so Sirius must have used Harry against them, said that they needed to do ANYTHING to keep their little boy safe, even if it meant Sirius offering himself up as a target, a sacrifice for their safety. Sirius must have thought he was so smart, because he found a way to keep his friends and godson safe, even though he wasn’t the Secret Keeper, and he didn’t put them at risk by trusting “potential spy: Remus Lupin”. He must have argued with James and Lily for ages about it, convincing them that it was the right decision, some misdirection to keep them safer for longer, another line of defense between their little Harry and the monster who wanted to destroy him.

It’s already wild to me that Sirius even held enough power/voice in this discussion to even suggest Peter as Secret Keeper. Like, the level of trust James and Lily must’ve had in him, to entrust their lives AND their son’s in Sirius’ plan? Nobody can ever say that Sirius wasn’t loved and trusted to the ends of the earth by James and Lily. They wanted HIM because there was nobody they trusted more, even with how reckless Sirius is shown to be, even years later. Trying to imagine Sirius in Azkaban all those years, knowing he basically handed his best friends over to Voldemort with that plan? Hell on earth, literally. He speaks on it maybe once to Harry in the entirety of the series, and it’s so clear that he is completely derisive about the plan. He despises the fact that it was his plan that got his best friends killed, that caused Harry to lose his parents. He blames himself (and Peter), but he had over a decade to sit in prison and think about the what ifs of that plan, to remember that it was his idea that killed James and Lily.

193 notes · View notes

multishipperofgaydeadwizards · 2 months

Text

james potter is the sun in the way that looking at him for too long hurts

#this is peter's pov btw #marauders #marauders era #marauders fandom #james potter #peter pettigrew #james x peter #prongstail

32 notes · View notes

blitheringmcgonagall · 6 months

Text

The Very End

31st July 1980

“He looks just like you, sweetie,” Lily said, beaming up at James with a look of pure joy.

James stared again – at Harry’s tiny hands, at his surprising amount of black hair, at the shape of his forehead, at his tiny, cute lips. He rubbed his wet cheeks with the back of his hand.

“He’s far cuter,” he sighed, placing his hands on either side of her shoulders, tenderly kissing the top of her head again, like he couldn’t quite believe she was safe.

“He’s gorgeous,” she whispered, holding Harry against her chest, still in a daze.

“I love you both so much, I can’t find enough words…” James said, as though annoyed at himself, and using the front of his T-shirt to wipe his eyes.

“You don’t need to, James,” Lily said.

It didn’t matter that she was more drained than she had ever felt in her life, that she felt worse than she did coming back from Order missions that went awry. Harry was the sweetest thing she had ever seen, and he was their baby. She hadn’t known it was possible to feel such overwhelming love for someone she had just met.

September 1981

“Prongs? Prongs! Pick up your mirror! It’s me. Fuck, Merlin, fuck! I can't... I don't… fuck!"

“Merlin, Pads, calm down! Are you alright? You look like shit. What happened?”

“I think Remus is the spy... fuck! Remus is the spy, I know he is!”

“Don’t be daft.”

“This isn’t a joke, Prongs!”

“Are you out of your mind, Sirius?”

“Don’t get angry, Prongs, I swear it’s the truth.”

“Don’t you dare accuse Moony of-“

“The only people who knew about the Prewetts’ mission were-“

“Fuck off, I’m not listening to your bullshit! Get some sleep, you look exhausted, old chap.”

“I swear to you-“

“And eat something, damn it! And apologise to Moony!”

October 1981

“Pettigrew, you are aware of the concept of a sell-by date?”

“My Lord?”

“Shall I spell it out for my Gryffindor spy? If fresh fruit isn’t consumed by a certain time, it rots and is thrown away.”

“M-my Lord?”

“Find me the Potters, or else!”

🎃🎃🎃🎃

“Prongs! Thank Merlin you picked up! I’m not risking using the mirrors again after today, they have spies everywhere, I feel like someone is watching us right now. I need to be quick!”

“Padfoot, I’m worried about you, you don't sound-“

“Listen to me! I’ve done more research on the Fidelius Charm. If I die, the protection dies with me. We need a back-up plan! They’ll come for me anyway, they’ll presume it’s me, and when they do-”

“Fucking bloody fucking -“

“Shut up and listen! And when they do, they won’t realise I wasn’t the Secret Keeper. You’ll still be safe, a double layer of protection. We need to swap. We need to make Peter the Secret Keeper!”

🎃🎃🎃🎃

“Sirius, we need to talk,” Remus said.

Sirius remained seated, his haunted eyes looking up at him devoid of happiness.

“Yes, we do,” he answered eventually, reluctantly.

“Sirius, I can’t keep doing this, sharing a flat with you knowing that you believe me to be a traitor, that I’m working for Voldemort,” Remus’ voice shook.

Sirius pressed his lips together tightly.

“What do you want me to do?” Sirius said after a long pause.

“I can’t live like this,” Remus said.

There were tears in his eyes and Sirius couldn’t stand it, couldn’t stand the part of him that longed to hold Remus tight and believe everything he said.

“What do you want me to do?” Sirius said.

“I… please, Sirius, you must know I would never,” Remus’ voice sounded like he was panicking.

He couldn’t keep doing this, throwing more and more complicated wards around the flat and then lying in bed wondering would Remus let Bellatrix in, or would he be found one day, murdered by his ex-lover in his sleep. It was slowly driving him insane.

“You’re right, we can’t live like this any longer,” Sirius said quietly, digging his nails into his hands to stop him falling apart.

“Sirius, please,” Remus said. “I can explain, I’m not supposed to, but I’ll tell you everything…”

Not so long ago he would have fallen for whatever falsehoods Remus told him, anything to persuade himself that Remus was on their side.

“Don’t bother!” he said, standing up, afraid to even let Remus start to speak, in case he fell for his elaborate stories.

Hadn’t they marvelled for years at how Remus always managed to get away with pranks, the only one never to get caught?

“I don’t want to hear your lies!” he said, trying desperately to keep his voice hard.

“Sirius, you’re not yourself,” Remus whispered.

His halting voice sounding kind, how could it sound so kind, despite Sirius’ words?

“Don’t!” Sirius couldn’t keep the panic out of his own tone. “Don’t try to manipulate me. Get out!”

Remus seemed stunned now. As though he genuinely hadn’t expected this. How?

Remus nodded dumbly and started walking slowly towards his room. Where was Remus going to go? He couldn’t afford to rent anywhere, would the bastard Death – Eaters give him a place to stay, a proper place, or shove him in some hovel and –

“Wait! I’m leaving,” he called out after Remus.

Remus turned around slowly, as though composing himself.

“Pardon?” he whispered.

“I’m going, I can’t stand this place since Prongs left, since Wormy left, it’s not home, I’ll find somewhere else,” he said, throwing on his leather jacket.

“Pardon? Pad- Sirius, I can’t stay here by myself, you know I can’t afford to pay for this,” Remus said, looking at him in utter confusion.

“I don’t want your money, Merlin, fuck!” Sirius said heatedly. “I just don’t want… just stay here… so Moody can keep an eye on you!”

“What will you…?” Remus still looked lost.

“I don’t give a flying fuck what happens to me, Remus,” Sirius said, striding towards James and Lily’s old room and throwing a few of his clothes haphazardly into his black backpack.

“Sirius! Where will you go?” Remus said, and he could see the concerned expression, the worried frown.

He had to get out or he would cave.

“It doesn’t concern you any longer, Lupin,” he said, his throat closing as he tried to speak.

He watched Remus swallow.

“I won’t stop fighting Voldemort or his men, you can tell them that,” he said. “My own miserable life may be falling apart, but I never deserved any better, and that doesn’t matter, not in the greater scheme of things. The show must go on.”

“Seren1,” Remus took one step forward, looking as though he might burst into tears.

“Fuck off, Lupin, leave me alone!” Sirius gasped, frightened at his own weakness, his lack of willpower.

31st October 1981

“Marvellous news, Wormtail,” Voldemort says, griping Peter’s shoulder and causing the small man to nearly faint with shock. “I haven’t felt this elated since I can’t remember when!”

Voldemort looks positively radiant, and Peter…

Keep reading

#it’s that time of year #marauders #the very end #Halloween 1981 #multiple pov #jily #wolfstar #Lily Evans #James Potter #Remus Lupin #Sirius Black #Peter Pettigrew #Voldemort #Severus Snape #Regulus Black #ok but this is the stupid angsty AU #not the actual real happy ending

66 notes · View notes

shootingthe-stars · 1 month

Text

wooo chapter 20 of nowhere man! 😁 almost fell asleep before i got to post but i did not!

#lily evans #regulus black #peter pettigrew #their povs this chap #the marauders #marauders #nowhere man #marauders era #jily #wolfstar #sirius black #james potter #remus lupin #pandora rosier #ooo look at that new character #which means regulus storyline is getting starteddd WOOOO #so excited for the next oneee omg it’s big #like one of my favs #and a solo chapter

24 notes · View notes

atlasdoe · 2 months

Text

BLOOD STAINED FLAGS

dark marauders au | rated E | chapters 5/? | 26,796 words | playlist

Summary

After Voldemort wins the first wizarding war on the 17th of August 1978, James Potter, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, Peter Pettigrew, Lily Evans and Mary MacDonald all go on the run in a desperate attempt to escape whatever cruel fate awaited them.

The following November, they were all captured and seperated with little hope of ever seeing each other again.

With nothing to live for other the the pact that they made to each other while on the run, the six of them must do whatever it takes to not only stay alive but to find each other again all while attempting to not fall for the dark side.

BOOK ONE : APART

CHAPTER FIVE: PROPERTY OF FENRIR GREYBACK

Preview

Remus had been waiting to be killed by Fenrir Greyback for thirteen years.

Thirteen years, seven months, 24 days and however long he had been trapped in the dark.

The moment he was taken out of his cell a bag was shoved over his head and it didn’t come off until he was shoved in another small cell that he had been forced to call home. They had left him in the clothes that he was captured in but forced a thick black collar round his neck. Remus got a quick glance at what it said before he was plunged into darkness.

Property of

Fenrir Greyback

#REMUS POV FINALLY #for his birthday <3 #the marauders #harry potter #the marauders era #marauders #marauders fanfiction #wolfstar #remus lupin #jily #pandalily #saintstar #saintwolfstar #mary macdonald #lily evans #james potter #sirius black #peter pettigrew #dark marauders

24 notes · View notes

munacy · 1 year

Text

ignorance

@wolfstarmicrofic “Guess what-mph-lads,” Peter starts conversationally, speaking around a mouthful of bacon.

The passion that boy holds for breakfast meats borders on lunatic, but far be it from James to say anything.

“Wormy, it’s not on to speak with your mouth full, you’ll offend my delicate sensibilities,” interjects Sirius. Bless him; Sirius has no delicate sensibilities of which to speak, so James knows the intervention is on his behalf.

“Sorry!” Peter yelps, swallowing before he’s quite ready and hacking in a way that makes James even more queasy.

“Sorry, sorry. But guess what.”

“If I had to guess…” James wonders aloud. “Your clever little rodent ears have picked up another bit of gossip? I don’t know how you manage it, Petey. Terribly well-informed, you are.”

Peter looks inordinately pleased.

“Quite right you are, James. I’ve just heard that Will Diggory—you know, that Seventh Year Ravenclaw?—well, he’s just come out, and he’s gone public with Devlin Abbott!”

“HA! Wormy, I’m quite sure you owe me a Galleon for that one!” James crows.

Peter scowls. “Not a chance. You only got the first part correct, which I had already agreed with you on, if you remember. Doesn’t count, and you thought he was secretly dating—”

“Now hold on just a damned second,” Sirius frowns, interrupting what is sure to be a feisty debate. “I feel like I’m missing a few things. Come out? Come out of what? Public with what?”

Peter looks bemused, so James takes over, explaining patiently: “Come out of the closet. He and Abbott, who is also gay—” Sirius’ eyes become huge— “have gone public with their relationship. Damn it, you’re right, Wormtail, I did think it was secretly Gregor Klein.”

Sirius twitches. “Huh. I never would have guessed,” he says mildly. “Diggory seems so…”

“So what, Padfoot,” James prompts calmly.

It was an inevitable but fortunately rare byproduct of being raised in an ancient family steeped in ignorance and hatred: sometimes Sirius needed some help opening his eyes to a new perspective. There were assumptions he took for granted because he didn’t know any better, but being a generally kind and open-minded person, the work was not overly hard.

“Well, like such a man’s man. No, no, don’t get me wrong,” he rushes out, seeing the looks James and Peter are giving him. “I’m super happy for him. I say live and let live. But you have to admit that it’s a bit weird.”

“Which par’,” Peter inquires curiously, speaking while chewing his blasted bacon again.

“The part about being attracted to another man. Like, sexually.”

James and Peter go stock-still and make sudden eye contact with one another, mirroring astonished expressions. They’re absolutely trying their hardest not to burst into laughter.

How can it be? He has no idea?

“Oh, I dunno, Padfoot,” Peter says slyly, giving Sirius a side-eyed look. “You can’t think of any bloke you’d hop into bed with?”

The restraint James is using right now is nothing short of torturous.

Sirius laughs. “No, you big jessie! If you want to sleep with blokes, have at it, Wormtail, but I tell you, that’s not for me. Oi, where’s Moony? He ought to be here for this.”

Oh, but he’s almost pathetic.

James can’t resist, so he joins in too: “Hmm….what about William Diggory?”

Sirius sputters. “I mean, sure, Diggory’s fit, for a bloke, but, as implied by ‘bloke’, he’s not got a pair of tits.”

“That’s a good point, Padfoot did break up with Lola Edgecomb last year cos ‘she was too flat-chested’,” Peter informs James in a sardonic aside, making liberal use of air quotes.

“No, no, Petey, maybe it’s just that Diggory’s not fit enough for our Pads,” James murmurs gravely.

Sirius giggles at their little show, then cries, “Cor! I wish Moony were here right now, and he’d tell you two how silly you are.”

Peter and James share a look again, but it’s lost on Sirius.

“Someone fitter, then, hmmm….” Peter taps a finger to his chin thoughtfully. “What about Professor Jero? All the girls thought he was gorgeous—do you reckon he’s hot enough to warm your bed?”

“Ha! As if! No, but keep going, though, these are funny. I bet Moony would come up with some hilarious ones.”

“Well Pete, maybe it’s not about physical beauty,” James muses theatrically.

“Oh no? The prompt was about sexual attraction, if you recall.”

“Yes, of course, and there’s no doubt that appearance plays a huge role in that, but…”

“But…?”

Sirius watches them volley back and forth, and James recognizes a growing exasperation in his expression. He’s always hated not being in on the joke.

“But maybe it needs to be a gentleman he knows well.”

“’Knows well’? Just how well should he know them?” Peter inquires with mock wonder, blue eyes big and round.

“Why, I think ‘extremely well’ would be ideal. In fact—” James turns to fully face Sirius— “I think he’d be most likely to fall for his best friend, no matter their gender.”

Sirius’ face goes blank with surprise, then he scowls and crosses his arms.

“Well I’m not about to bed either of you two idiots, sorry, but I have higher—MOONY!!”

And indeed, there appears Remus, tall and lanky, a gentle, eye-crinkling grin for Sirius that manifests as two dimples nestled in between the freckles scattered across his face.

“Moony, you’ll never guess what these two wankers—”

“Pads, I’d love to hear all about it later, really, sorry, love—ah, fuck, I’ve made a portmanteau of ‘Pads’ and ‘lads’—I think—wait, no, that doesn’t—never mind that, sorry, I can’t stay, I’m just cutting through the Great Hall on my way to a Prefect meeting!”

“Moony, wait!” Sirius wails, haphazardly grabbing a piece of jammy toast and chasing after Remus’ rapidly retreating figure. “You haven’t had any breakfast, you dolt!”

Sirius catches up to him and shoves the toast in his mouth. Remus pauses to smile hugely and stupidly at him. Then he blinks suddenly and turns about with a wave.

Peter smacks his forehead. James wonders vaguely if either of them took any notice of James and Peter sitting there throughout that whole interaction.

Sirius returns to his seat, cheeks pink and humming happily.

“Sorry lads, what were we talking about?”

Peter, slumped over in frustration, lets out a groan. “We were hypothesizing whether or not you could ever be sexually attracted to a man, and you kindly let us know that James and I are not up to snuff.”

“Ah. Too right.”

“Say…” James says wonderingly, as if this has just occurred to him. “You know Moony extremely well….Moony’s reasonably attractive, isn’t he?”

Peter sits up suddenly. “That’s right, he is! Tall. Nice curls. He’s alright.”

Sirius scoffs. “I’d say more than reasonably attractive or alright, wouldn’t you? I mean, he’s…he’s…he’s Moony…”

Sirius trails off and starts to blink rapidly, brow furrowed.

“Wow, Sirius,” James sighs unconvincingly, resisting an eye roll with all of his might. “Would you fuck Moony’s brains out, then? Suck his cock? Make him eat his breakfast every morning?”

Sirius has stopped blinking and his eyes appear to have glazed over. He’s gazing at a spot about 4 inches left of Peter’s left ear. James swears he can see on Sirius’ face the moment the realization dawns.

“Oh.”

Sirius swallows hard.

“Oh.”

Part 2: Duck

Part 3: Anticipation

Part 4: Thirst

#Sirius black #oblivious sirius #wolfstar microfic #remus lupin #sirius is so fucking oblivious #In fact everyone knows except him #and remus #hint of Demi sirius #humor #ignorance #devious James potter #devious Peter pettigrew #feelings realization #they’re both so gone for each other #pov James potter

233 notes · View notes

kay-elle-cee · 1 year

Text

@jilymicrofics May Prompt 1: Alcohol || 308 Words One night, 4 POVs || Installment 1 of 4

The alcohol in Peter’s system creates that dull shimmering effect on the fire that he’s so fond of. Something about how the alcohol softens the edges of himself and the world around him lulls him into a peace with the right number of drinks.

On a normal night, at least. But nights are rarely normal anymore, with the Order.

This night, for example, is anything but normal. Peter and James had been on a mission tonight—an infiltration of a suspected Death Eater safehouse—and had nearly wound up on the wrong side of some truly nasty curses. Their targets had evaded them, and after an earful from Moody, they’d returned to their flat ready to down their failure in a bottle of Ogden’s Old.

Only it didn’t just seem to be their flat anymore. Not when as soon as they walked through the door, Lily was there, flinging herself around James and fretting at every little nick. (She had made a fuss over Peter too, but it wasn’t the same).

He takes another sip from his spot in front of the fireplace, eyes darting from the dancing blur of red and yellow and orange to where Remus and Sirius sit in close armchairs, conversing in low voices, to the loveseat where James and Lily sit, curled up beside one another—whispering, kissing—and he feels his lips purse, tasting the bitterness of his drink.

He likes Lily, truly, but it was becoming more and more obvious that the four of them—Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, Prongs—weren’t really the four of them anymore. With Lily around, the group fractured—it was Lily and Prongs, Moony and Padfoot, and Wormtail. Just Wormtail.

He watches as James whispers something to Lily, and a laugh bubbles up from her before she turns and kisses him.

He finishes his drink, eyes back to the fire before him.

Just Peter.

#jilymicrofics #kelsey writes #<500 words #james potter #lily evans #jple #jily #outside pov #microfic #marauders #peter pettigrew

59 notes · View notes

marauders-but-chaotix · 7 months

Text

how the marauders drive a car:

remus: obviously holding the wheel with his left hand only and the other on his or sirius' thigh. he drives with music but only allows his own playlist and no-one else's, claiming "driver's rights"

james: right hand on the wheel at 2 o'clock and the left arm against the window. taylor swift and indie pop playing as loud as possible and nodding along with it. as the flash mcqueen variant he is, he would sometimes make these crazy acceleration when everyone is in the car to piss them off

sirius: bold of you to assume sirius is allowed to drive a car. he only drives his motorcycle and doesn't get "why should he learn to drive a car when he can take remus behind him on his motorbike"

peter: definitely drives an automatic car and didn't want to bother learn manual shift. hands in 10-10 position with the music depending on who he's driving with but it's always good vibes

34 notes · View notes

mydarlingdearestdead · 1 year

Text

Sirius Black post-prank

Did I fully edit this? no. However I am not sorry. TW: Self harm, alcohol abuse, suicidal ideation, mentions of blood

Sirius Black knew the taste of blood well. In his sixteen years of life, there was hardly a taste he knew better. Still, knowing something is not the same as liking it.

When Sirius peeled his eyes open to glare, rather dejectedly, at his bed hangings he recognised the taste instantly. At first, he assumed he'd bit his cheek during the night and hadn't noticed- that had happened before. It wasn't until he lifted a hand to scrub over his face that he noticed the mild resistance from his joints.

With a groan, Sirius lifted his head. The sheets as well as his arms and pyjama bottoms were stained rather spectacularly in deep red. He found his torso caked in dried blood. Some part of him wanted to laugh at that. House colours, after all. His skin had even taken on a yellowish tint in recent days.

He hadn’t worn a shirt to sleep, despite the February chill. Earlier that year he'd slept in whatever jumper Remus wore that day. Now that wasn't an option, so Sirius went without.

"Sirius?" James' voice called hesitantly. Sirius didn't respond. If he waited long enough James would say his piece and leave.

"I've left a sandwich from lunch on your trunk." Afternoon then. "And Mary said if you don't come and see her then she's going to come up here and drag you down by your ear." James laughed. Sirius didn't.

James paused. "We're all worried about you, Sirius." He took a deep breath. “Regulus-”

"Remus isn't." Sirius's voice came out scratchy and hoarse from lack of use. “And leave my brother out of this, James. I don’t care if you’re in his bed or not.”

James hesitated again, "Remus." He said, "Remus is… well, Sirius, he's-"

"He hates me. Got it." Sirius cut him off coldly, a little more confident in his tone. "You can leave now." He avoided the Regulus comment, Sirius thought.

He was probably smart for it, considering how Sirius reacted when he first found out. You’d be mad too if you found out your best friend had been dating your brother behind your back for almost six months. Granted, perhaps you wouldn’t curse said best friend six ways to Sunday.

James didn't reply, but Sirius heard the door shut as he left.

He unstuck himself from his sheets, undid the charm holding the bed hangings closed, and stumbled to the shared bathroom

"House colours." He muttered.

There was no pain, perhaps a dull ache somewhere inside him but that was hardly from the cuts. Heartbreak, more likely, caused that particular ailment. Not that Sirius could blame Remus… not at all.

He almost couldn’t recognise himself. Rib bones were clearly visible under his skin. They seemed sharper, and while he’d always been pale, his veins seemed to glow blue under translucent skin. The hair Sirius took such pride in was too long, tied in a bun at the base of his neck, and slicked through with grease from serious neglect.

Sirius neglect.

Funny.

James would like that joke.

Some things couldn't be changed though. The birthmark on his shoulder, or the tattoos surrounding it. Or the Moony tattoo written in bold letters against his stomach, not that it was visible at this time- his entire torso was a bloodbath- but Sirius knew it was there. Like a ghost, a presence in his mind obscured in a way.

Sirius clutched his wand like a safety blanket. Raising it, he cast a clean-up spell, the nature of which was furniture, not people, effectively removing any trace of blood to his eye.

He averted his eyes before they could catch on the word fifteen-year-old Sirius was so sure he wanted to be reminded of at every glance in a mirror.

Sirius fell into a routine of a sort, or perhaps choreography could be more accurate. He waved his wand at his bed, using the same spell he’d cast on himself to clean and make it up, then moved the plate James left him. Everything he ate tasted like sand anyway. Sirius placed the plate on the ground and opened his trunk. He reached down to an old quidditch jumper of James’. He unwrapped it, an unconscious decision, and removed three items from inside;

An empty bottle of firewhiskey, a blade from his potions kit (Top of the line! Says Horace Slughorn, Potions Master at Hogwarts: School of Witchcraft and Wizardry!) and a polaroid picture.

From inside the tiny frame, Remus’ grin caught his eye. Lily took it, at Sirius’s, now infamous, birthday party. She used a muggle camera. Part of him was glad, he wanted to keep this a snapshot of that moment without the chaos that erupted around them- Remus, grinning, completely sober, and Sirius, planting a kiss on his cheek, unsurprisingly black-out drunk. They curled up on the sofa in the common room, undoubtedly the centre of attention, with not an inch of space between the two.

Sirius resisted the urge to set the picture on fire and be done with it. Instead, he grabbed the glass bottle and launched it at the wall, right under the window where Remus would smoke at night. It smashed, of course, lying in shards under the window, which Sirius, now realised, was open. Groaning, he stomped over to close it.

It was dark outside- when did that happen?-, and clear. The moon shone clearly through the darkness, full and-

Full.

Remus.

The next few minutes were a daze of stumbling and apologies directed toward inanimate objects as Sirius realised he’d (a) allowed the full moon to sneak up on him and not notice the signs, (b) had more broken glass in his body than could technically be considered healthy and (c) needed to get to the shack as soon as humanly possible.

Why wouldn’t James have reminded him? Unless-

Unless Remus told him not to.

That was it. Remus didn’t want him there. Of course, he wouldn’t, with what Sirius had done at the last full moon-

Sirius wouldn’t want anything to do with himself either.

The worst part? Aside from Remus’ distance, Sirius couldn’t ignore how much the action, or the thought that went into it, reminded him of his mother. Walburga Black, who cast crucio on him for the first time at twelve years old. Walburga Black, who entered into a loveless marriage and produced two children for the sake of blood purity. Walburga Black, who beat Sirius within an inch of his life during the Christmas holidays in his fourth year. Walburga Black, who disowned her heir so easily, knowing she had a spare waiting in the wings.

Regulus wasn’t like her, but he wasn’t like Sirius either. He was too compliant, too willing. Sirius would be lying if he said he wasn’t terrified for his brother. But he also didn’t regret leaving. The Potters saved him and he was eternally grateful for that fact. Reggie, however, couldn’t be saved unless he asked. And Regulus Arcturus Black wasn’t going to ask anyone for help, as he’d informed Sirius in a furious whisper just a mere twelve weeks ago.

Yet he hadn’t any problem crawling to James for another type of help. That gave Sirius hope for his brother’s fate. Hope was in short supply those days, and Sirius wasn’t going to let it go. Just because Regulus was a stubborn shit.

In other, hopeless, news:

Witnessing Remus’ pain was worse than anything his mother could have possibly inflicted in all her torture. The toll it took on Sirius was unlike any suffering he’d ever known. He would have welcomed any spell, curse, or potion in its place. Alas, was anything that simple?

When Sirius told Snape how to make it to the shack he hadn’t considered any type of consequence for himself, or, more importantly, for Remus. He knew, of course, weeks later, that even Snape was undeserving of such a fate.

And Remus was everywhere, reminding him of that fact.

His face haunted Sirius’ nightmares and dreams alike, his conscience has always been Remus’ voice- a fact that only became apparent once he couldn’t bear to hear it.

As a result, Sirius will do anything to drown him out.

On many nights Sirius considered bringing himself to the astronomy tower, or just taking that blade to an essential artery. He couldn’t do it. Not while Remus didn’t understand the regret that lived inside him, like a disease. That doesn’t mean he hadn’t come close.

James had taken up a sudden interest in medicinal magic. He never said why, but they knew. Everyone knew. They just didn’t care.

Sirius fell heavily against the door. He pressed the heels of his hands into his eyes hard enough for stars to emerge in his vision. He watched them with increasing interest for some time. It was only when the door began pushing against him that Sirius realised he’d fallen asleep.

The sun was just beginning its ascend over the hills, and light was already beginning to pour through the window. The door was hitting him harder now.

Sirius crawled across the floor, rapidly stuffing the blade and polaroid into his trunk, along with the old jumper.

The door opened, and in came James Potter, smiling like he didn’t have to be up and learning Herbology in an hour. Behind him trailed Peter Pettigrew, looking very much like he had to be up and learning Herbology in an hour.

When they saw him crouched at the foot of his bed breathing erratically, James froze. Peter ran the other way, presumably to get a teacher or some other form of help (read: the girls). James inched toward him slowly, and Sirius backed away like a cornered animal.

“What happened?” James asked calmly. He lifted his hands in a surrender gesture. Sirius felt himself relax against the bedpost.

“Nothing much,” Sirius said, his voice felt scratchy again, “The glass? I just had a moment.” Sirius shrugged the best he could. His attempt at nonchalance was wearing thin.

James grimaced, “Sirius. I know it’s harder but English, please. Not French.”

“Mais putain! Je ne parles pas-” He cut himself off. Sirius could’ve sworn the words were in English. How long was he unaware of his own thoughts?

He repeated his previous statement, slowly, listening to each word as it passed his lips.

“Pads.” James said, tone level, “I mean the blood.”

Sirius shook his head quickly, “No.” He said, “No. I cleaned it up. There is no blood.” James’ face turned sympathetic. He nodded and, gently, placed a hand on Sirius’s shoulder, which the boy neither leaned into nor shied away from.

“No blood, Padfoot, got it.” James smiled tightly. Normally, Sirius would’ve seen right through it. This Sirius, however, wasn’t normal by any standard.

Silently, James pulled his wand from his waistband and cast a couple of heavy-duty cleaning spells. The first on Sirius’ sheets, then the bathroom sink, which newly sported bloody handprints upon the porcelain, and lastly on the floor underneath Remus’ window.

They’d taken Sirius’ wand as a precaution for nights like this after he’d tried a charm on his bed hangings and almost got himself killed. Remus disagreed, his exact words were, “Let him vanish the wall and jump for all I care.” He admitted later he didn’t mean it, but he also wasn’t the one who had to find Sirius on nights like these.

Four months passed since Sirius told Snape how to bypass the Whomping Willow. Four moons. Each time James’ hope resurfaced, hope history wouldn’t repeat itself. Hope they’d return and Sirius would be Sirius again. Hope there would at least be less blood. His prayers hadn’t been answered so far and he was beginning to doubt they ever would be.

48 notes · View notes