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tic-loud-tic-proud · 1 year

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Hi! I heard something in class today that sounded absolutely wild, and it wasn't said by an individual that I have any trust in regards to mental health etc (they literally said that adhd is contagious which uh. not getting into that krkskdje), but I thought I'd ask around in case there's any truth to it since I don't know nearly enough abt tourettes to say for certain its untrue. Basically, they said that their psychology student friend did a research paper and found that seeing tik toks of people with tourettes can make kids (I believe the psychology student's study group was 7 yos or something around there) get tourettes too. Now, I believe that tics can be "contagious" (like stims) aka u have tourettes and can then get a new tic from another person w tourettes, but nothing in their claim said that these kids previously had tourettes, just that they got it from tiktok. Do u know anything abt this? Is it completely ridiculous or have you ever heard anything abt this happening? No problem if you don't know or arent sure, its a pretty out-there idea (from my perspective), and I hope it isn't a horribly annoying q. Have a nice day!

I've answered this question multiple times but Tumblr search sucks and I can't find any of the posts. So even though I hate talking about this topic I'll do it again.

(My answer is really long. Some text is bolded, not for emphasis but to make long paragraphs easier to read.)

The whole "TikTok tics" thing has completely torn the TS community apart with infighting (you can read more of my opinions on that here). My own neurologist is one of the leading doctors studying the phenomena, and trying to convince people to stop calling them "TikTok tics" and use the term Functional Tic-like Behaviors (FTLBs) instead.

I want to start by saying anyone who has sudden-onset tics, or tic-like behaviors, needs to see a doctor as soon as possible. There are many cases where sudden-onset tics are a result of untreated brain injury, heavy metal poisoning, and severe nutritional deficiencies. Tourette Syndrome is far from being the only disorder that causes tics.

Most of my followers know that I dislike TikTok. At the same time, whether a person with TS wants to post videos about their life on the platform, is none of my business. I am very grateful to people that are spreading accurate information and awareness about TS to people that otherwise wouldn't care. I do believe that despite many creators' best efforts, negative stereotypes are starting to arise again- some that I've never even heard of. The "all Tourettics say swear words" stereotype is as prevalent as ever, but so is the "if a Tourettic says swear words they're faking" stereotype. I've even heard "real people with TS can't hold eggs or read books out loud or cook" stereotypes which are completely new to me. TS is never one size fits all. It's different for everybody.

What I do dislike about TS related videos on TikTok is that many of them go back to seeing us as entertainment. I have always struggled with being seen as a spectacle, I have very strong trust issues because of this. I know even some of my dearest friends think my tics are entertaining, which, I don't want to blame them for that, some of my tics can be funny, but TS itself isn't. People with TS are not clowns, we are not performers, we are not here to entertain anybody.

I don't think that TikTok causes Tourette Syndrome, because TS is never contagious, it's a defect in the brain that we are born with. I believe that this issue is very complicated and influenced by a number of factors. Nearly all of the people who are developing FTLBs are young women or transgender individuals who already face misogyny and transphobia, which both often incorporate the belief that young women/transgender individuals will constantly lie in order to gain attention. In addition to that almost all of them already suffer from severe mental health issues- depression, social anxiety, eating disorders, and body dysmorphia mostly. Because of quarantine and the pandemic, more and more people went online more often.

Humans are social animals. We all feel a need to be in groups. I believe a major part of this issue is that young people especially are figuring themselves out and need to feel a sense of belonging. If a person's "For you" is nothing but videos of people within a certain group (not even just medical communities, but goths, emos, metalheads, and other fashion- or music-based subcultures are experiencing this), you will feel left out. I'm absolutely not saying that this is the fault of the people watching or creating these videos, I'm blaming it on the exploitative algorithms that TikTok and other social media websites use to funnel users into generally obscure niches. Many industries thrive on the consumers' feeling of being left out so this method works very well and makes money for the platform.

I would highly suggest reading this article that goes more in-depth to the causes of "TikTok tics". Social media is far from being the primary cause. This isn't the first time we've had a "Tourette's outbreak" either, and it probably won't be the last.

To answer your question of "have you ever heard of this happening", yes, unfortunately I have first hand experience. My ex-girlfriend claimed she suddenly caught Tourette's from me and now has a TikTok account where she spreads misinformation "awareness" about Tourette Syndrome. She would write down my vocal tics in a notebook whenever we were around, claiming she just thought "they're so funny I want to remember them", and then would go home and film TikToks pretending to have the same tics she'd written down beforehand. She's a terrible person for many reasons and I could probably spend some time talking more about her but I know nobody is interested in that.

What's most important is that anybody with tics, anybody with TS, anybody with FTLBs, still deserve support and proper medical care. At the end of the day this is far from being an individual issue. It's shown some major flaws in the (American) healthcare system, that doctors are so quick to dismiss and ignore the real suffering of young women and transgender individuals. Every single person with tics is impacted by this issue (directly or not). Accusations of faking are at an all-time high, and it's getting harder and harder for me and many other Tourettics to trust people (again, see this post). I have friends and people close to me, diagnosed with TS, who are being accused of faking by their own doctors, and are having their diagnoses under review. In 2021 (which I consider the height of this frenzy) I went to the #1 TS specialist in my country after being on the waitlist for 3+ years, and even she questioned my diagnosis and told me that I would be cured if I deleted my (non-existent) TikTok account.

Just a week ago a young man with TS who was very popular on TikTok died as a result of a tic. For years he had struggled with TS and for years people had accused him of faking. TS is serious. It's not a trend.

Every single person deserves compassion. Every person deserves a chance to be believed, to be listened to (even my ex). Nobody deserves to have their legitimate concerns shunned and ignored, especially by medical professionals. Whether someone has FTLBs, Tourette's, PANS/PANDAS, FND, or any tic-causing disorder, we deserve help. We deserve our experience to be heard. We deserve to be believed.

#long post #this is the last time i will be addressing this #tourette syndrome #tiktok tics #fakers #fakeclaiming #jfc its christmas eve and i spent an hour of my life writing this out

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dae-rise · 1 year

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1st anon you answered here again - Thank you for the article links, I'll deffo check them out. Apologies as well for the assumption that you might not have considered poverty/indigenous ppl etc, as it's not something you can tell unless it's mentioned or known in person.

I think i'm so used to seeing people who are vegan to be on the extreme ends of the scale (extreme hostility towards all others who eat meat vs those who don't care at all abt what others eat but just are vegan themselves), that seeing your calmer view is actually a breath of fresh air, and it actually does make me want to further research the topic.

Whilst I don't think I'd ever be able to be a dietary vegan, I'm actually quite glad and surprised that you can be considered vegan for other reasons, such as just not buying leather - again, I think it's difficult to find views like this as the majority of views online can be quite extreme. Thanks for opening my eyes to this as well.

And finally, I definitely do agree that many ppl can be oblivious to animal agriculture and its effects, and I do think that if people are in the position where they can't eat vegetarian/vegan, they should still advocate for the improvement of animal welfare.

I do hope that you aren't too disheartened by any negative comments you got - I know I'm on anon too, but I'm just a bit scared to speak off anon, and I would feel awful sending hateful messages behind an anonymous mask. I hope you have a decent holiday season regardless.

You have no idea how happy it makes me to hear you say all of this! When I turned vegan (not so long ago) I felt so much joy and willingness to share my passion for the topic, only to quickly find out that people tend to criticise vegans on the spot. I have sent sources before like I did with you, but they weren't even looked at. It seems like vegans are commonly seen as individuals who are annoying, extreme, privileged and whatnot. And I'm sure some of them are like that, as it is with every other 'group' really - but don't let it mislead you into believing all vegans are like that. Truth be told, I have yet to meet one single vegan who is like that. Besides, where does this idea of the 'annoying vegan' come from? We all have it in our minds, but why? Have we actually met one? Honestly, being at a dining table with others as a vegan has been the complete opposite for me: I'm the one who gets questioned, annoyed, criticised and made fun of. I still remember the very first reaction I got at a restaurant, as soon as I revealed I am vegan: "what, is your dog vegan too? Hahaha!" and from that point on, everyone at the table began talking about veganism and how extreme it is, in front of me, without listening to me. Everybody was suddenly a nutrition expert and began trying their best to show me a point that makes veganism invalid. It felt really bad and uncomfortable, and the same thing has repeated over and over, except for a few nonvegan friends who were simply curious about my choice and asked me normal questions. I shared my experience with other vegans and they've been through the same thing if not worse. Sorry for rambling, I just really want to tell you I understand, and that I had the same idea of vegans in my mind before becoming one. But being one has opened my eyes a lot. I personally don't like classifying myself as me vs. them, that's a dangerous path to take… before being vegan, I am a person, just like you, just like them, just like us. There are no sides, as I see it.

Thank you for apologising, I'm sorry as well if I made you feel uncomfortable in any way. I promise I did not mean to guilt trip anyone with my drawing, and it's absolutely great that you came and told me what you think about it! It means the world to me when someone tells me what they think or feel about my art. You're right, online views can be extreme, and I admit I have reblogged posts that felt like an accusatory finger pointed at nonvegans, but I'm still learning. Those posts feel kind of comforting, especially when others attack my beliefs (which happens a bit too often with veganism). But I'm going to try my best to keep in mind how it might sound to people who aren't vegans.

Oh, and yeah, right? I've always thought that being vegan means not eating any animal product or byproduct. A lot of people have this misconception in their minds, so when I read the actual definition of veganism, I was surprised! I quote, "Veganism is a philosophy and way of living which seeks to exclude—as far as is possible and practicable—all forms of exploitation of, and cruelty to, animals for food, clothing or any other purpose" it is just so liberating to read, isn't it? All I need to do is whatever is in my power and within my possibilities to reduce, as much as I can, my contributions to the animal agricolture industry. There is no such thing as a perfect vegan. But I can still do something, and that will be enough. For example, I personally chose to go down the dietary route (I just baked a vegan blueberry cake, hehe!) but I have yet to exclude animal products from my clothing (I have some clothes that partially contain wool, but I decided not to donate them for now - I'm taking it one step at a time). As you can see, it's really not as black and white as it is commonly believed. I'm just doing what I can.

It's okay to be on anon. I have an idea of who you are, but of course, I can't be sure. What matters is that you were so very kind with your asks and I'm grateful ❤️ Well, the other anon is clearly going through a lot and I just wish I could've helped more. There are far worse things I could've received so I'm okay, don't worry! Please let me know what you think of the stuff I linked you. Don't let anything guilt you. This will be simply you reading about things and learning from different sources. And I applaud you for it!

Merry Christmas, if you celebrate it ⭐

#vegan #veganism #anon ask

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cakesexuality · 2 years

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What is your favorite compliment you've ever received? How about the most memorable?

I like getting compliments on my voice because I know I have a nice voice so singing is, like, the one skill I have where I always know the compliments are genuine, rather than maybe someone just saying it to be nice, and singing is also a skill that I choose to do, so it doesn't feel weird like when I'm told I'm pretty, like... thanks, I grew this face myself!

I don't publicly sing much, just because I didn't put a ton of focus into arts in high school (rather, I was focused on topics like nutrition or abnormal psychology or childhood development) so I only took vocals once and didn't do extra-curricular music, and nowadays I don't have an outlet to sing in public so I mostly just sing at home or in the car. However, the times where I have sung at school, posted a recording online, etc. the feedback was really good! The only critiques I got here or there were small things like "You sound sticky, like a smoker" (my lung disease was flared that day so YEAH of course I sounded sticky)

The most memorable compliment I've gotten on my voice is one time on Twitch, there was a guy in my chat who had been there many times before and he's always really friendly and kind. I can specifically remember that I was playing Uncharted 4, in a flashback scene where a young Nate sneaks out of the orphanage to hang out with Sam. My viewer said that the guitar he ordered finally came in and he asked if I played any instruments, so I said I've learned a bit of piano, guitar, and ukulele here and there, but I'm really just a singer. His response was "I'm not surprised that you're a singer, you have a really nice voice :)" and I'm STILL all 💗💕💖 about it because I already loved getting compliments about my voice, but I'd never realised that I sound really good just talking without even trying to sound nice!

Now that the guy pointed it out, I do like hearing myself talk, as much as it makes me sound conceited lol. The other day, I was chatting with my friend while we helped each other trim some wigs, so being focused on brushing and snipping and making sure everything was even made my voice go soft and gentle, and hearing it echo back to me in the bathroom was *chef's kiss*

And I mean, it's probably also meaningful to me (deep somewhere inside my brain that doesn't really register on the surface) to get compliments on my voice since singing is kind of an important part of my journey with my illnesses, between it being something my body can do well without being appearance-based with my eating disorder, it being something I can do without my hands or limbs or even without sitting up so therefore my joint pain can't take it away from me, and it being a way to outlet the sadness and anger I might feel as a result of my health (see also: me laying on my apartment floor when EDS first started kicking my ass at 19 years old, singing along as Lazy Bones by Green Day played on repeat)... like, yeah, it BETTER sound nice! It's the thing that got me through some tough times! It helped me start the path to body neutrality! I've spent a lot of time on it while stuck at home for 4 years! THANK YOU!!

But yeah circling back to the point of this... I love being told that I sound good because I know the person truly means it when they say that

#maybe you expected just a quick bit about a time someone said something nice to me #but instead you got a mini essay #ending with me trying to joke about my mental health #including a mention of when my connective tissue disorder had me severely depressed in 2015/2016 #youre welcome i guess?????

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meistoshim · 2 years

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IM GLAD YOU LIKE ME BREAKING INTO YOUR ASKBOX!!!

OKAY last question for today but not really a question; I'd love a post on everything to do with Food and Satoshi!!! He's been all over the Pokeworld now and had eaten SO MANY different foods from cultures and I just wanna know all about what he likes and doesn't, his cooking, if he's picked up anything in particular to make for the rest of his pokemon at Oak's Farm (or if he makes anything specific when they're transferred to him!) Etc!!!

Go nuts :>

okay, so, i’ve jotted things down about satoshi & food & cooking all over the place, so let’s plop things into a semi-coherent post, shall we :)

the first thing to note is that satoshi is by absolutely no means a picky eater. he’s a glutton that can & will eat eat anything one puts in front of him, his only requirements being “high in protein” & “tastes good”, though if asked for preferences, he’ll lean towards sweet & savory foods. if asked which region has his favorite foods, satoshi would need an hour to think about it before coming back with a vague best (not top) 30, with many dishes & foods coming from alola & kalos, though his mama’s cooking will always be his favorite no matter the dish itself.

though he typically lets others make food in his stead, satoshi has learned over the years to cook & bake for himself & his pokémon ; while not particularly difficult to make, he is very proud of his croquet sandwiches. thing is, he grew up with a restaurant owner for a mother, one which on occasion had, & still does have, her son help with the cooking process ; it’s largely only been preparing the ingredients, but important nonetheless.

when travelling with takeshi, as well as later traveling with dent, & then again with citron, satoshi helped the designated cooks of the travelling group with their food preparations as well, & picked up a few things regarding pokémon food from not just takeshi but also companions like haruka, hikari, & serena ; the latter in particular he learned a pofflé recipe from & only very recently finally succeeded in making a batch of his own. in alola, satoshi is always only all too happy to offer his help to mao at her family’s restaurant & the professors at home.

he still prefers to just help with the process as opposed to thinking of what to make & then doing everything from scratch on his own, liking to leave nutritional details to those that have actively spent years learning these things rather than winging this particular thing.

#spikemuthtoothfairy #answered #:D #also he definitely picked up restaurant/cafe-hopping from haruka; checking out as many food places in any town he visits as he can #he enjoys broadening his view of the world in more regards than just battle & pokemon #(despite popular opinion he DOES think about things other than battling sometimes)#▐█ ▌ ◇ — ( pkmn is autistic culture. )#▐█ ▌ ◇ — ( study. )

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capriciouscaprine · 16 days

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yesterday was a verrry long day

only just updated yesterday's post, oof

the meatloaf numbers came out really good! since it's with goat meat and had canned lima beans for bulk and texture and to use them up (lmao), the whole square pan came out to about 1,100, so only 275 for a HUGE quarter serving

definitely learning a LOT about c's per gram for 'normal' foods; now I just wish I weren't constantly tired and broke and could use that info to make tasty things; calendar says I'll at least have more time soon

won an award at my university! completely missed the ceremony, but I don't have to show up there for it to show up on my resume!

fighting the urge to do the most for my final presentation slides; I need to just pick a handful of slide design themes and stick to them, plus shorten everything while I'm at it, and actually focus on the content I need to add in; I'll have time to work today, but I'll only have my laptop and I've discovered that it is SO hard to work on that smaller, single screen, especially on slides, so I doubt I'll get much done

currently in that phase of not wanting to start eating for the day bc I don't feel hungry now but will once I start chewing, yet knowing that if I don't eat at all, my decision making abilities for things like /driving my car/ drop significantly, so I'm limiting myself to these fruit and grain cereal bars that need to be eaten anyways (I have so many of them for something over 100c/bar); one now (130), one before the day starts at work, and one at break time, followed by my two coffees (25 each) and my sandwich (300); really hoping I can then come home and just go to bed; class last night and then having a solid dinner so late and taking the time to enjoy it really messed up my sleep schedule, so I'm exhausted; if I stick to this, that'll be 750 for the day, which is very good for me

I ordered my new phone! really messes with my planned budget to do that now, but I think the benefit from all the different apps I'll be able to get might end up outweighing that; currently thinking about looking for a good meal planning app that'll use measurements per recipe to calculate how many actual packages of stuff to buy and about how much that'll cost BEFORE I go to the store; I used to be really good at this, but that was also before post-pandemic greed-flation of prices, so I can't count on my old calculations anymore, plus, y'know, body goals and nutrition info are now something I also care about

(when I was working three jobs right after undergrad, I got to the point were I was eating cup ramen for every single meal, supplemented with energy drinks and discounted candy; it was not a fun time)

got really good hours in at work yesterday; I'm looking at the pikmin bloom app to reward my steps, but I'd also like one that gamifies doing more hours at work to combat a sort of mid-shift slump I hit nearly every day; I really shouldn't be in such a rush to hand over so much of my personal information to all these different apps, but... they really do seem helpful for now, and tbh I'm pretty sure they're only getting the exact same info my phone was already collecting about me

#cc og #the slimmening

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mysticdreamcafe · 1 month

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Finding my MoJo with some mystic help

I'm going to put this out there...I'm an intuitive empath that loves her crystals and tarot cards. Pendant's, and rune stones.

So after my rows with nature, stress, family, Dr's, and all around ill health (I don't have many Immunoglobulin G's which I call goblin G troup). Thanks to Goblin Gs going AWOL I have been on antibiotics since July of 2023. 2 weeks on these massive combo pills and a week or two off, repeat either till I am antibiotic resistant or I can get the shots to force goblin G troups to join me and fight. Lets not forget inhalers, nasal sprays, pills both herbal and pharma. medications.

I am going to fight with everything I have through 2024 and if there isn't a significant improvement in at least one area I will stop any traditional medical practices I can and try for a more holistic approach.

Especially, after a bout with COVID-19 that took over 6mo to recover from I have learned to deal with energy syphons. You know, the people who make interaction challenging and tedious. I've always been able to gage a room and the people in it but never trusted my instincts. That has changed, I know am trying to trust my first impressions and inner voice now.

I said I'd mention Johhny Depp in this post so here it goes. It's nothing exciting but more annoying from my point of view.

During my "I quit and will just wait to die" moments during the end of 2023 I saw what my giving up was doing to my mother and daughter. That's when I decided to get through the holidays and then make some changes. So my fingers started typing in preparation things like... nutrition, keto, raw diet, balanced, yoga, brain eating itself, replacing white matter, and so on. Each time I searched a topic Johnny Depp showed up in a clip. There'd be a dog, guitar, baby, rants on his divorce, with his son, etc. His clips had nothing to do with what I was researching.

Let me refresh you...I DON'T CARE ABOUT FAMOUS PEOPLE SO i DON'T RESEARCH THEM. Though stuff does pop up occasionally it's not about one celeb over and over. During this time I had looked up why people couldn't leave Keanu Reeves and his girlfriend alone. My daughter brought it to my attention so I searched.

According to computer science if you search a topic either via typing it on a keyboard or verbally asking an AI like Alexa about it. Once you've selected the topic: famous name, raised garden beds, new roofs, dog characteristics, etc. the search engine (bing, google, etc) will flood you with ads regarding these specific topics.

Mr. Reeves plays bass in a band so why was Depp the one showing up?

After a few weeks of Johnny Depp ads annoying the crap out of me I went to bed irritated and with a killer migraine. That is until I remembered...things usually happen for a reason. What is the reason? So I asked Alexa...what instrument he plays, his band name, other members, play some of their songs.

I'll be honest and say the first song didn't resonate with me. I continued for a few more songs and one was an Alice Cooper remix. This brought nostalgia and emotion that I've missed since I stopped listening to music regularly. Migraines and music or any noise don't get along so I opted for quiet.

I asked for Alexa to switch to 80s rock and something clicked.

I've started this blog and not sure how often I'll post since I quit Social medias for the most part...esp FB, to limit screen times. I'm looking into a free course on coding through Stratford U. I have a BA in computers but it's been ages since I've written code or done anything with computers themselves due to illness.

Remember I am writing most things, except this blog, long hand.

Oh I want to say in case one of Johnny's people see this post that I wrote to him to thank him for reminding me about my love of music. I stopped listening again during a rough patch and he started popping up again! I grabbed my headphones and started listening to some Mozart. A day later the pop ups were back to normal.

I received a mass produced photo of him, I don't think he signed it and it was simply printed with photo but the gesture is nice. If one of his people read this tell him that even though we've never met I thank him for helping me out of a dark time via reminding me of my love of music and to keep spreading his energy.

When I wrote Johnny I didn't ask for anything but I just wanted him to know he'd made a difference in some ordinary persons life without even realizing it.

The writing of letters long hand, in cursive, has helped and if anyone wants to pen pal please let me know and I'll set up a PO Box. Assholes need not apply!

Time for a reading and meditation.

May you be grounded and good energy surround you

#health #writing #Johhny Depp #self awareness #self forgiveness #deciding your own future #Humor #self peace

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mandakillam · 2 months

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Grand Pooh-Bah

Who would have thought I'd find myself writing on Tumblr, accompanied by a glass of Passion Fruit syrup, at 1:35 AM, after a century since the last time I posted something here?

Yep, I can't sleep, even though I've been feeling drowsy since 9 PM. And for the past four hours or so, I've been craving Passion Fruit syrup. I thought it was just a fleeting desire, one that would soon be forgotten.. But as the day turns, the craving remains, despite having drunk mineral water yang ada manis-manisnya.

Being the scientifically curious type that I am, I Googled, "Late night sweet cravings why", and found that the top four reasons people crave sweets in the middle of the night include hunger, lack of sleep, insufficient nutrition, stress, or all of the above.

And yes, as usual, I'm worried, scared...

I'm the type of person who watches YouTube videos at double speed to avoid the fluff. Many say that by doing so, I don't truly enjoy what I'm watching... I strongly disagree—I thoroughly enjoy what I watch, but at the same time, I don't want to waste too much time. The extra time saved can be used to watch another episode or engage in other activities.

That's how I approach life. I know that every life ends in death, so that's definitely not what I mean in living life—what I want is like that trending sound on Instagram and TikTok, can we skip to the good part?

Unable to skip to the good part, I end up with just the 🎶 "AAAAA.. AAAA AAAA AAAA~" 🎶 instead.

One of few things that cause my GERD is, being a director at this age isn't as glamorous as most people think. Directors don't live off salaries but shares, and I'm not just supporting myself—I have to split my savings between expenses and investments, without support from anyone.

"'til when would you work for others? That's stupid," said my best friend. Well, he has a point... But let's face it: working for others lets me dine at the Meatguy Steakhouse every day.

That's what makes me weigh up—should I strive and grow for my own sake, or return to being a corporate slave and just live off a stagnant salary every month?

As I navigate through the challenges of being a director I can't help but constantly wondering, "Can I skip all this and see what I'd be like if I chose this path?"

Adding to this reflection, becoming the youngest member of the Board at just 26, with the second youngest born in 1972, presented a unique set of challenges and experiences. The age difference represented a gap in perspectives, working styles, and technological adaptability. Working with colleagues significantly older than me meant navigating a landscape where traditional methods of business and communication often took precedence. While my peers might rely on formal meetings and formal letters, I leaned towards emails and Google Meet for swift decision-making.

Being the youngest in such a setting also highlighted the importance of mutual respect and learning. It was about bridging the gap, finding common ground, and leveraging the unique strengths each person brought to the table. The experience taught me the value of diversity in age and thought, proving that when different perspectives converge, the potential for innovation and growth is boundless.

But anyway, so yeah, perhaps that's why I'm anxious. I feel like a rabbit or a miner, not knowing if I should keep digging for THE carrot or the diamond, questioning if this journey is worth my time and the hassle, far beyond what being a corporate slave demands, in my case.

(source: iStock)

My stress levels have peaked to such an extent that I even checked my horoscope, which amusingly dubbed me a "grand pooh-bah."

...I didn't know what that means at first I thought you mean Pooh Bear?

I believe that God will never put me in this situation for no reason. After everything I've endured in life, I know I can do this because I MUST do this perfectly. I'm committed to doing everything within my power to enhance my skills and push myself beyond my limits, insya Allah. However, as a human, I still often find myself exasperatedly thinking... It's 2:37 A.M, please oh please my dear Universe,

Can we just skip to the good part?

#universe #libra #Spotify

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envelop-ing · 7 months

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october 1, 2023

I just found out I'm pregnant! I'm going to use this blog to document my experiences, symptoms, feelings, things going on so I don't forget. I'm not experienced whatsoever; this is my first ever pregnancy and it's so early on that I don't want to tell people in my life yet, but I still want to write about these early days somewhere.

We decided that we were ready for a baby, so I started reading a lot about ovulation and fertility, and taking it seriously. I started tracking my cycle rather than relying on an app for my cycle like I'd done for about a decade, and got pregnant on the first try after that.

My cycle has always been regular and predictable, down to the day, so I had a feeling getting pregnant would be a straightforward task if I simply kept up with the tracking. The only time I ever had a delayed period was post-vaccine, and I didn't have a period for about three months (negative pregnancy), which was a phenomenon that affected many women, apparently?

---------------

My early (noticeable) symptoms:

Thirst (I am so, so, so bad about drinking water normally, but I've found myself seeking out actual water instead of juice, coffee, etc.)

Cramping (I always get cramps before my period, and I was so sure AF was coming because the cramps were so noticeable and painful. I was getting them in the evenings before bed. I started getting suspicious when I noticed they were more painful than normal; it just felt off.)

A late period, obviously, with no spotting. I normally spot a little bit before my period. I was/am three days late, and only seeing CF (I actually kept thinking my period was coming and going to the bathroom to check my underwear because of cramping and normal CF without a speck of blood).

Very vivid dreams. I normally have vivid dreams before my period, but it was a terrible nightmare that I can still remember clearly.

This was an odd one (and perhaps TMI), but I woke up out of my sleep two nights ago and could SWEAR I smelled dog poop; like strong, pungent ammonia. I said, "it smells like Sophie pooped, could you please go check? I can smell it, do you smell that?" and went back to sleep. R got up to check and said nope, nothing; and when I officially woke up, I couldn't smell it anymore. I've never done that before, but after reading about smell sensitivity, it just seems funny now.

Minor sore boobs.

Minor hot flashes that come and go; when I'm getting my period, my hot flashes are pretty persistent.

Overall feeling "off". Again, not unusual at all for me, and I genuinely thought I wasn't pregnant this month and was fully expecting AF/BFN. I wasn't sure if it was back on Wellbutrin and was just leveling out/re-adjusting to it, or what.

Notably, I have a PMDD diagnosis and always get extremely irritable in the weeks before my period. I didn't notice persisting irritability this time, even though R and I butted heads last weekend.

------------------

What I'm going to do now:

I already booked an appointment with the local midwivery to establish care. I've read about experiences with midwives vs. OBs and I'd like to give the midwives a try first, although I will probably opt for a hospital birth assuming this pregnancy is successful.

Go out and get more prenatal vitamins.

Read everything I can about pregnancy nutrition. Some things that I'm going to do immediately are: absolutely no more processed sugar, no coffee for the first trimester (🥲), up my protein and water intake, start tracking calories again, and aim for whole foods only. I will probably stop eating fast food.

Go on walks. I usually walk more on the weekends since we live downtown and walk to get around the neighborhood, but I'd like to start doing 20-30 minute walks with R to stay active.

Look into core strengthening.

Do checks/research on the makeup, skincare, and hair products I'm currently using to make sure they are pregnancy-safe. I may toss everything and look for clean brands only.

Take stress-reduction measures. This will probably require me getting more organized and planning routines/structures around my day, and possibly going to therapy to learn emotion management skills. I want to be as stable and healthy as possible for R and our baby.

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I can't believe I'm growing a BABY? There is an entire LIFE inside me right now. So wild. Five years ago, I didn't even want children; I'm so glad I've changed my mind about that, and so thankful that we were able to conceive easily, and so relieved that we both have amazing jobs and health insurance and everything we could possibly need to have a baby. I feel so blessed right now.

I doubt anyone will, but on the off chance that anyone sees this, please pray for me.

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semercury · 5 years

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gosh i am dead serious about wanting to do a “depressed vegan cooking” youtube channel/blog. especially considering what i’m going through right now, i feel like... if i could help people eat a little healthier when they feel like garbage, maybe i’d be doing something good? because of course, my tagline would be that you don’t have to be depressed or vegan to cook like this. it would literally just be like... really easy recipes with low cost ingredients that can be made quickly and are at least somewhat healthy and taste good. and you know, some depressed vegan life hacks (frozen veggies save my life bc i have so much trouble with fresh produce, both in cook/prep time and it going bad).

the only issues are that i don’t have a camera (and i know i could use my phone, but my phone camera is so so bad) and also my mom might actually murder me in my sleep if i film in our kitchen bc it’s always a mess...

#stuff sarah says #i just... i have so many thoughts and opinions #and i'd want to include a lot of nutritional info in the description/blog post #that way like... if people tend to gain weight from depression they can see how to eat healthier and lighter #and for people who are. um. afraid of eating for whatever reason. they can get low calorie but high nutrition #and i'd want to do like.. three levels of recipe types #like a bad day recipe. okay day recipe. and good day recipe.#bad days where you can't really do much so it would be like simple single serving one pot/bow/whatever meals #so you don't have too many dishes or anything and you can just eat right out of the pot #and then like... really simple low effort meals but not quite as simple as the bad day ones #and then of course just. regular easy recipes. things that might involve a blender of even fresh foods on occasion #but i want to make a point to not mention calories in the vid but explain that nutritional info will be in the description/blogpost #so that way people potentially upset by it don't have to see it #but it can be a useful tool for people too #bc goodness knows i continually have eating issues #whether it's just overeating bc i'm sad and i don't care #or anxiety making me restrict to hell and back #just doing like a... ''hey this is for one serving. but if you want more def go for it! eat those veggies!!''#ah i'm babbling sorry

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rachiesratirementhome · 3 years

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Let's talk about attitudes toward obesity in pets, with the beautiful Pixie!

As humans there are many reasons for the diversity of shapes and weights we have. Genetics, epigenetics, medical, personal choice, upbringing, socioeconomic factors, mental health, and cultural influences among others. We make our own choices for our own bodies, and that autonomy means nobody else has the right to make our choices for us, nor shame us for our bodies.

However, pets are different, they CAN'T make or advocate for their own choices. They live their lives purely under our control. Everything from the environment to their diet to their social life is curated by us as owners, and even their genetics are selectively bred and relies on responsible human choices. It is therefore our responsibility and duty as owners to help our animals be as comfortable as possible.

I wanted to get that out of the way because I don't want to glorify the "chonky culture" that has arisen around animals. An obese animal must contend with a lot of strain on their body and a lot of limitations to their enrichment. Is Pixie here cute? Absolutely, she's bloody adorable. But I really want to squash the idea that enabling our pets to be obese for no reason is okay.

The "for no reason" part is important here. Much like humans, rats can have a wide range of medical issues that contribute to their weight loss and gain. In fact, many human conditions are studied on rats to begin with, before that knowledge is applied to humans! But the most common reason we see is poor dietary choices or limited enrichment and motivation for the animals to play and engage with their environment.

When we get a pet who - for whatever reason - is prone to an unhealthy degree of weight gain, it's our responsibility as owners to at least try to help them manage that, even if it means putting more effort into their diet, be it changing ingredients or regulating quantity. It's no different or any less vital than putting weight on underweight rats!

This rat is Pixie, she had a pair of adoring owners who have kindly given me permission to discuss their girls status and history candidly for education, so please be nice to them! I'm absolutely not putting them on blast here, they were doing the best they knew with the information they had, and still love their girls very much, if it was up to them they'd have kept them for life.

Pixie has just arrived, so we're not sure yet about which factors influenced her. She is a whopping 800g, larger than Crunchwrap Supreme. Her sister Maze is overweight as well, but not to the same extent. They grew up with permanent free roam and a wonderful big, enriching cage! Because of the extremity of Pixie's condition, I do think it's likely that there is something abnormal about her metabolism or eating habits.

I do suspect food was a factor based on conversations with her owners, things like a morning porridge of baby food mixed with Vetafarm is a cute concept, but it's too high in sugar and is flavoured to motivate eating for pleasure rather than hunger, like much of our processed food today.

They likely would have benefited more from some chopped fresh veggies in the morning! Spoiling our ratties can be done in a really healthy way with the right ingredients, we just have very little guidance. Many of the staple rat foods we have available such as Vetafarm Origins, work well for some rats but can cause overeating in others, whereas others like Oxbow Garden Select can miss the nutritional mark for growing or pregnant rats.

So what SHOULD you do? Well... As with all things there's no single right way, feeding styles vary across the world! However, aim to supplement their staple pellet or mix with: frequent veggies, infrequent fruit, meat in moderation, fatty nuts etc sparingly. And with all things, be mindful of portion sizes.

Feeding rats is way too nuanced a subject to go into on one Facebook post, so I reccomend reading up at The Scuttling Gourmet for some good ways to incorporate frequent servings of the right kind of vegetables and meats into your rats diet in a healthy way!

And what's next for Pixie? Well, she's just arrived and I haven't decided yet how hard we will be focusing on weight loss yet. She's nearly two, so do we say "you're here for a good time, not a long time, do what you want" and assume that she won't last long enough to justify the benefits of weight loss over the discomfort of a slow decrease?

Or do we do our best here and now in the moment to make her as comfortable as possible?

How much of her quality of life REALLY relies on her eating style? Eating is probably only a small portion of the things that make her life worth living, so would she really mind if her diet was changed or limited?

But this is one of those nuanced ethical decisions where ten people might have totally different opinions on justifications for them.

For now, Pixie is showing signs of also having a uterine infection which will affect her health, and her weight will absolutely impact whether the surgeryto fix it is possible, so that will factor into our decisions and means a chat with our vet before we attempt any dieting.

I hope this ramble has given you all something to think about! When Pixie's photos invariably show up in some chonky culture Facebook group like "this ratto is fatto" I won't be mad, but I do hope it creates an opportunity for people to learn and think about whether they should be taking more action to help their overweight pets.

I'd like to ask that people in the comments be respectful of the diversity of lived experience and body autonomy as humans. Body shaming is something we are taught to do, so we can teach ourselves not to if we try, and while Pixie doesn't care, the person reading your funny jokes may have had those same jokes used on them, so let's choose to be good to each other.

Rachie

#Pixie #Rachie #rachiesratirementhome #ratrescue #thisiswhyifoster #cutiepatooties #fosterbabies #fostering #mylittleloves #mylittleratbags #rescuebabies #shenanigans

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nicistrying · 3 years

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Just a reminder that no one has visible abs or a flat stomach all day long! I noticed I was sucking in my belly a lot today so I went and stood in front of the mirror and let it relax and I actually smiled at my little tummy getting a break. And then I did a quick little workout before it got dark and I lost all my motivation to do anything physical lol.

Today has been nice - I played Animal Crossing while Matthew was doing uni work this morning, we had lunch together, he went to work and I went out for a nice long walk and called my sister. I also did some Christmas shopping online and budgeted for the next month just to make sure I'm going to be okay between paying rent, buying Christmas presents and dropping £200 on a spa day for my stepmam's 50th. I'm only panicking bc I'll be paying the full £400 and then waiting for my sister to send me her half.

Anyway in other news, I've concluded that I'm done with tracking calories. I gave it a good go this year since I got my Fitbit last Christmas and tbh it was quite helpful and interesting in some ways - I started actually weighing out the correct portions of cereals, pasta, nuts etc so I actually knew what a recommended portion was. However, I did notice, especially over the last few months, that I was getting stressed and irritable around meal times bc I was planning in my head exactly what i was going to eat and how much, I was checking my fitbit all the time to see what I'd burned, I was thinking about food all the damn time and starting to restrict myself and implement dumb rules like not having proper snacks with nutritional value that would satisfy me, and instead having lots of little things that add up to the same caloric value if not more, but they weren't nutritious or filling. I binged more and I was really self critical when I did, especially when that meant I ended the day in a surplus. Soooo I've concluded it's not for me. I stopped 3 days ago and I already feel so much more free, less restricted, less pressured, and I've freed up so much headspace that was taken up with thinking constantly about what I would eat next and counting calories in my head. These past few days I've eaten way better bc I've allowed myself to have bigger, more satisfying snacks that have some nutritional value rather than limiting myself to crackers and nuts and ending up bingeing. So back to intuitive eating for me! I hadn't tracked for about 5 years before this year and I stayed pretty much the same weight the whole time. I wasn't worried about food and I got good at listening to my body. So I'm happy to be going back to that bc I remember thinking last week that I could barely imagine not counting calories in my head and checking how many I'd burned all the time and that was just depressing. I became hyper aware of bloating and stuff too and any slight change made me terrified I was gaining weight and it felt like the world was ending and it was just horrible. I have gained a little weight but hasn't everyone this year? And who gives a shit? No one sees my belly other than Matthew and he cuddles it every night and tells me he loves it. So yeah if anyone else finds tracking calories depressing and stressful, I'd encourage you to take a week off and see how you feel!

*This was from yesterday but my internet has just now decided to post it lmao

#i need to get better at not rambling lmao im sorry #wanted to share this tho #fitblr #fitness #health #eating habits #intuitive eating #binge eating #snacking #personal fitblr #be kind to yourself #body positivity #personal

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vanchlo · 3 years

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The Partner / Chapter Eleven, "The Abyss"

Word Count: 5.4k / Story Masterlist / Read The Assistant / Read on Wattpad / Song: / It's Not The Same Anymore by Rex Orange County (click to listen) / Warning: Sensitive and upsetting topics, such as death, grief, and miscarriage

"The day after my baby died what shocked me the most was the sun still rose, and the post still slipped through my mailbox, and I still got thirsty, and the birds still sang, and the traffic lights still changed colour . . but my world had stopped, my planet had stopped spinning."

- Zoe Clark-Coates

I tried to stay there, beside him and with him, but I couldn't. The stillness had returned and I was sucked into its world once again, watching time pass in front of me. Waking up was the hardest, knowing what I had come back to and not wanting to move, let alone leave the bed. It wasn't ours and I was glad for it, if it was the only thing that made me feel a hint of that. I couldn't imagine lying in ours and my recommended bed rest was welcomed.

I didn't try to fight it, the emptiness that swam around inside of me, silencing my ears to Harry's words. His questions and pleas for me to eat. Somehow, I sat there and I did, sometimes. I ate and laid on the couch, watching Friends with him. He didn't think I noticed, but I did. I saw how he skipped the episodes where Phoebe was pregnant as we watched the show through for what must be the third time. I wasn't asleep like he thought when he tearfully told my dad over the phone what had happened. His sister. My brother. I pretended again when Skye stopped over with food that Harry took quietly, and when Myles did too. I listened in the bedroom or on the couch, my eyes closed, as he cried to his mom and then his best friend. I was there listening, but I wasn't there feeling. I couldn't.

I'd lost count of how many times I'd blinked and Harry had been talking to me, going on to repeat himself for what- the fourth time? How was I supposed to know?, I think this time as he stares back at me, a not so secret sigh following his words.

"I'm sorry. What'd you say?"

"I said you need to eat," he repeats, nodding his head towards the plate of food I hadn't touched. I should've known. Despite it being our favorite tacos from Pedro's, I couldn't even stomach the idea of actually eating it. Sighing, he's shaking his head as he dumps another helping of their chips onto his plate. "I don't want to argue about this again. You need to eat, love."

"Neither do I, but I'm not hungry, Harry."

Snapping the lid back onto the nacho cheese sauce, his head is shaking back and forth. Watching his movements, he habitually bites at his bottom lip, seemingly coaxing the words back in.

"I didn't push when you weren't hungry at breakfast, but it's two in the afternoon, Becks. You-."

"I had a protein drink. I'm fine."

"How can you say that?!" his volume shocks me, hearing his words echo around the empty house. Gulping, I look away from his fiery eyes and to the food that makes my stomach turn. "You're not fine. All you've had to eat the last few days are a few bites at meals, and those stupid protein drinks. That can't be healthy. You need to eat because . . "

"Because why, Harry?" I speak up, bringing my eyes back to his. They avoid mine though as he stands across the island from me, rubbing his thumb along the tip of another finger. "You don't know, do you? You can't use the 'eating for two' excuse anymore, because I'm not . . eating for two, am I? I'm not . . not pregnant, so why should I need to eat? You don't have an answer, do you?"

"Because of you, Becks. You need to heal, your body needs the food and-," he begins to insist, but my sharp tongue can't be controlled.

"Trying to shove food down my throat and practically counting the number of bites I take is not going to heal my body, Harry," I retort, sliding off the barstool and stomping my way up the stairs.

Stopping at the landing, I'm not sure what led me up here, seeing as how we're sleeping downstairs now. Something about 'less exertion on my part and I haven't even stepped foot in our bedroom since then' being the reason for the move. The day we came home Harry had moved everything downstairs that we'd needed, and to the bathroom that we use now. It wasn't the same, but was anything anymore?

"Why can't you just talk to me?" he calls from the kitchen. Already, I'm shaking my head before he's finished. I take one step and then two, but I don't get any further when I see the door to the other guest bedroom. The room where they would have slept, and one that I most of all can't step foot in. My foot lifts but I place it back down, wishing I could but knowing that I can't. No, everything about the wound still felt too fresh and I know that I'm not ready to walk back into the nursery. But when could I ever be?

"I'm going to lie down," I mutter, passing the island where he stands, shoving the last of a taco past his lips.

Padding past the living room where the last of Beetlejuice plays with neither of us watching, I hope that he doesn't notice the gleam to my cheeks. I try to wipe it away quickly, and only when my face is buried into the pillow do I let my scream out. The one I'd been holding in all day as he watched me eat a few strawberries at breakfast, during the checkup at the doctor's, and zoning out watching the movie. Even if I'd wanted to, I couldn't stop the avalanche happening around my heart. It felt like the death of a loved one, because well, it was. There's the death and not even the funeral, and then what? Nobody ever talks about what comes after and how to deal with grief. Everything looked good at the doctor's visit and Harry asked a bajillion questions while I wasn't even sure what to say. I could tell he wanted to say something about how I'd been acting, but I silently thanked him for not doing so. Just like how I do the same now, knowing that he won't walk in as I cry myself to sleep for what, the fifth time in the last four days? No, it had been more than that.

I couldn't blame him, because even if he was here with his arms wrapped around me, I wouldn't know what to do. That feeling jumped off my tongue when I told him to go away yesterday when I lied about taking a nap. He'd only wanted to take one too perhaps, but I'd jumped down his throat. I didn't know what was happening to me, but there was hardly a small part of me that cared. I didn't even wish that I did.

Throat aching and eyes burning, I breathe in past the sniffles and stare out the window where light leaks in from. My baby. Our baby. I still couldn't believe that they were gone, our daughter. I'd never get to feel her kick or know what her smile looked like. I was sure it looked like his, lopsided with two dimples. That made my cheeks grow wetter, but it worsened when I thought of her name and the hollowness that came with it. I didn't stir when the door slowly creaked open, only staring at the new strip of light that interrupted the darkness.

"I'm going for a walk. Would you like to come?" Harry says, caution at the forefront of his voice. I couldn't find it in me to answer, not even when the next words came, making the line of yellow disappear entirely from my vision. "Alright, well I have my phone if you need anything . . I hope you sleep well, bug. I love you . . so much."

"Love you," I whispered, but it was too late. The yellow line had disappeared and so had he. It had only been four days since our baby had died and it felt like months, far too many. "Harry?" I call, sitting up to turn towards the door. Hastily wiping my hand under my eyes, I listen intently.

It's only moments before the wash of light returns, casting shadows along his face. His eyebrows fall into a questioning V and I try to ignore the extra tablespoon of sadness in his eyes.

"I love you too," I say tearfully, catching the tear before it falls from my eye.

A corner of his mouth itches upwards, but not quite, "I love you more, Becks." It sits on my tongue, impatient for its chance that I'm afraid doesn't come. "Were you gonna say something more?"

"No, just . . bundle up for your walk. It's cold."

"I will," he smiles, sending me a wink before closing the door quietly behind him. I remain in that pose, sitting up and watching the door, wishing he'd come back. I almost said it, but for some reason, I couldn't.

Why couldn't I just ask him to stay and to come and lie down with me? Because, he'd ask questions or want to talk about it, the thing that consumed us both, even if we tried to pretend otherwise. No, I was far past that. I never had the poker face that he did.

He didn't think that I heard him, but by now, we had gotten good at pretending in one way or another. Harry pretended like things were okay, and I pretended that I didn't hear him sobbing his eyes out in the bathroom as I laid in bed, faking being asleep yet another night. It tore at my heart but I didn't know how to tell my legs to move and cross the hallway to him. I acted as if I ate half of my plate at dinner, per our new deal, but I really only ate a quarter and threw the rest away. I pretended to not see the second glance he gave me when he walked in on me changing. I knew it but acted as if I didn't see the thinner reflection of myself, despite knowing how nutrition worked.

I ignored it a lot, but the next day when the doorbell rang yet again with a delivery man on the other side, it was enough. As I walked away from the door with another strong-smelling vase in hand, I couldn't fake it anymore. Seeing as how nothing was normal anymore, the kitchen table now overflowed with vases of flowers, us having not eaten there for weeks. My feet refused to move any closer to the hoard of a smell that now made my stomach turn.

I don't remember telling my body to do it, but suddenly, I'm watching in slow motion as the glass shatters at my feet. I couldn't tell you why I stood there, staring at the tendrils of water spreading on the floor. Neither could I explain away tossing the flowers into the garbage can with the note I never read. They all said the same thing. 'I'm sorry for your loss,' 'Thinking of you,' blah blah. Harry had been gone for a while, getting groceries at the market, and it was only a matter of time before he came back. I wasn't sure how I would explain this, and as I picked up the shards of glass, the guilt grew in my gut. The rumble of an engine outside made me jump, worrying it was Harry. Wincing, my palm suddenly burns and upon looking, scarlet soon seeps from a new cut.

I ignored his casual greeting ten minutes later, probably kicking the door closed behind him. He didn't say anything about the flowers, because for the first time in two weeks, I took out the trash after sweeping up the mess. I stuffed the blood-spotted rag in there too. When he pushed the bedroom door open with a long creak, I played pretend again, acting like I didn't hear his voice.

"You sleeping, bug?" his molasses voice mumbled, marked by the soft fall of his feet. I hadn't even heard them cross the room until they stopped behind me, and I felt his touch. "I hope you're having sweet dreams. I missed you, I do all of the time lately," he murmurs against my head.

I find it hard to not stir when his fingers drag against my temple with a lock of my hair. It had been something I'd gotten used to ignoring, but this time, as he pressed his lips to my temple, I wanted to reach out to him and grab hold, and never let go. The sensation only grew stronger as the sound of his footsteps disappeared, it all coming to a head. One that's only answered by a fitful of sobs racing past my lips, the first thing I'd felt in a while, next to the guilt at the flowers. Why couldn't I be okay? It stung, the words calling for him that I held back as I heard the sounds of cupboards opening and closing. I knew he would come. Did I really, after all I'd put him through? No, I didn't really know that. I wasn't sure of anything anymore, I realized, and it only made me sob harder.

Dinner was a doozy yet again. I'd come to dread meals. The stare-downs Harry would give me along with the protein drink he always shoved my way a good fifteen minutes after my last bite, if any. It was like clockwork yet again. This time, it was Strawberries and Cream, and as I grabbed for the bottle sitting in front of me, he stopped. No, this wasn't how it went. He usually took my plate and dumped it in the garbage, no longer sticking it in the fridge for later, because he knew that there wouldn't be one. Most of the time he only filled the plate half full, but today, I guess he'd gotten his hopes up and filled it high. Now, he didn't walk away and instead, stood there looking. At what I didn't notice until I followed his eyesight, immediately pulling the sleeve of my sweater over my hand.

"Hey, what happened to your hand?" Harry asks, nodding to the appendage that disappears like a frightened turtle into its shell. I didn't need him asking any more questions than before, or finding another reason to nag at me. "Love?"

"I-It's nothing, I just got a scratch."

"A scratch doesn't require gauze. Let me see," he insists, stepping forward with an outstretched hand. His touch is gentle but nonetheless, it feels foreign somehow, and I retract my hand from his. I catch his eye and look away, but it's too late, I've already seen how they look. How he looks at me, offended and scared all in one. "Buggie, did you . . did you do this to yourself?"

"What?" the word passes my lips in one breath, like a whoosh. Now, I'm looking at him and already, the regret has glazed over his eyes. His lips are parting with a save face, but it's too late now. "I didn't hurt myself, Harry. It's not like that. I-."

"Then what happened, Becks? Why can't you tell me, huh?" he huffs loudly, dropping his clean plate into a sink with a clash! It makes me jump and the sound of defeat from him makes him realize aloud. "I want you to talk to me, and . . I miss talking to you."

The cogs turn in my brain but the puzzle pieces with a few dozen missing ones refuse to lock together at the sound of his voice. What could I even say that would sound right? Nothing would, I know it. A quietness settles over the kitchen save for another trashy show on the tv behind us, my barstool squeaking underneath me. I could count the seconds that a word doesn't pass between us until my rebuttal is impossible to push down.

"Why won't you go to that session Dr. Baker set up for you?"

"I'm not hurting myself, Harry," I repeat, peeling my eyes from my naked fingers to look at the back of his head.

"Why won't you ever just give me an answer?" turning around, his lost green eyes fall on me. It felt like a long time ago, the way that very pair could pull words from my lips. Feelings. Kisses. Love. It digs past my own and deep into my chest, but it comes up empty-handed.

"I'm not going to a fucking shrink," I answer, remembering the bottle. Giving it a shake, I feel his eyes hot on the top of my head, waiting for me to give him something. That wasn't something I'd done for a long time, and not even the bare minimum.

"How come? You don't know that it won't help unless you try, Becks," I'm already shaking my head, sure to cause his eyes a roll or two at that. The sloshing of the liquid in my hand suffices my words, because they would have been a mess too. "I wish you'd at least give it a shot, you never know what will happen. It's sure to help to talk about . . her."

"I don't want to go, Harry. Please, just drop it."

Without looking at him, I can tell that he's not finished, even as I try to will the silence away with the glug of a drink.

"No, I'm not dropping it. This is important, Becks. You need to learn to talk about the baby. We need to."

Slamming the drink down onto the counter, the loud thud resonates with me, sounding louder than I'd intended. It reflects in his eyes when I meet them, wondering how they could still hold sunshine in them. I can't even remember what that feels like.

"Maybe I don't want to talk about her, Harry. Did you ever think about that? Maybe I don't want to go and talk to some stranger about how my baby died inside of me. A fucking stranger that probably has kids of her own or some man who's never even wanted children. They don't know and they can't know what I'm going through."

The artificial taste of the berries and cream had grown acrid on my tongue. Turning away from him with my feet leading, I could feel the one mouthful turning in my stomach.

"I can't do this any longer, buggie. I-I've lost our baby and now . . God, now I'm losing you and it's scaring the shit out of me," if my feet had continued, I wouldn't have kept walking. I'd known. I could feel the truth of his words ring in my bones, but hearing them spoken into the air was something else. "I don't know what to do anymore, Rebecca," the river had already begun to run in his voice. I was sure that if I stepped foot into it, I just might drown again too, and so I didn't. It tried to grab hold of me, but with every step taken away from him, its strength dwindled. The worsening ache in my chest at the sound I heard didn't lessen, not even when I threw myself under the covers and pillows. It filled my insides as a similar one poured from me.

It was as if last night had never happened. The entire thing almost, but not in the way I'd wished. No, I'd yearned for a lot of things in the last few weeks and not gotten them. When I awoke the next morning to the sounds of breakfast and the tv playing, it felt like some kind of joke when Harry walked into the bedroom soundlessly with a suit wrapped around him.

On his way back from what must have been finding his rings on the nightstand, he caught my eye as he slid them on. "Hey," he murmurs, a hollowness to his voice that felt deeper than last night. "I was hoping you'd wake up soon."

"Are you going to work?" the question came, piercing the taut air between us. We both already knew by the clothes he wore and the attempt he made to comb back his hair.

"Is that alright? It's just a partner meeting and some managing stuff. If you don't want me to-."

"No, it's fine. Drive safe," I mumble, turning to place my back to him. I could almost hear his nod, knowing it was there as the floor creaked underfoot.

"I will. Maybe I can grab some gnocchi soup on the way home for lunch. I shouldn't be more than a few hours."

My response didn't come and a further one from him didn't either. The sound of the bedroom door behind him did, as well as the front door and that of the garage. It had been next to never the first two weeks that the house was empty, save for me. Just in the last week, he had been leaving more for errands and grocery runs, no longer sufficing with deliveries to our front door. I'd only left the front door once, maybe twice, and that was for the checkup a few days after. A part of me wanted to just walk around the block, but the thought itself tired me out.

I couldn't remember how long he'd been gone by the time my stomach had rumbled. The last piece of cheesecake in the fridge and leftover pizza passed for lunch, if it was even that time. I couldn't do it anymore. Time. The light or lack of outside helped at times, but in our surrogate bedroom, the blackout shades didn't allude to night or day. I wasn't even sure of the time on the clock when he'd left, or even the calendar.

I hadn't turned the pages of one for a while now and upon seeing the date on my phone, it seemed foreign. Everything had at one point over the course of this all now, but the mysterious passing of it hadn't. I'd get the day of the week down and a few days later it would be a Monday again, unbeknownst to me how it could be. I grabbed another snack and was soon confused to find myself loading the dishwasher. Running it. Wiping down the counters. Washing blankets and fluffing pillows.

When I reached the top of the staircase, the blankets I needed just a few steps away, I didn't know how I had gotten here. As if in slow motion, I watched as the door swung open, the image slapping me in the face. I didn't have a clue how I had done it or how it had gotten past me to come up here to this room. The Room. Already, I saw the gift bags I knew to be filled with clothes and other gifts, the stuffed animals, small knitted blankets, and the picture frames with sonograms that once adorned the house. The image had already burned itself to the back of my eyes, only to be replaced by another moments later when the bed of my nightmares sat in front of me.

I didn't know why I'd gone to either place. The nursery and then our bedroom. It wasn't my refuge anymore because I wasn't sure if I still had one. Neither place was safe and my heart didn't feel it either when I pulled the covers over my head, an avalanche of tears making its way through my body. I didn't want to see any of that again. Being reminded of it all was something I couldn't handle, because I hadn't wanted it to be true.

The clock ticked and darkness remained in the room until it didn't. A new sound came, that of footsteps and with it was brought a light that I couldn't face. It built and grew, surmounting when I heard his voice and the crinkle of a bag.

"Hi, buggie. Are you awake? I brought home some lunch," I pushed it down again and again, but it was feeling next to impossible now.

"I'm not hungry."

"But I got your favorite muffin," he teases, crinkling of the bag following his words. The smell of the lemon cream hits my nose, but it doesn't phase me. No, the boiling underneath my skin is too different.

"I said I'm not hungry, Harry. What do you not get about that?!" I snap, pushing the bag away. "I can't believe you're already back to work. How can you just move on so quickly?" His loud sigh is unmistakable, as is the way he slams the bedroom door behind him.

The racing of my heart pounded in my ears as different sounds found their way to me. I laid there waiting and listening as he slammed doors and cursed, not immune to jumping when something shattered before a loud 'fuck!' of his came.

There hadn't been a sound for a while now when I pull back a blanket, at last not able to hear the pounding of my heart. I wasn't sure what I thought I was doing, knowing that there was no way around it. More like, him. Cautiously, I made my way past the tv playing a rerun of Saved By The Bell, and towards him. There weren't many things I'd memorized about Harry after knowing him for a few weeks, maybe shorter. I learned his cues early because I had to in order to work with him and to get somewhere, especially those alluding to his anger.

The broad back that faced me from where he sat at the island didn't tell me what I needed to know but the tension held in his shoulders did. So did the clicking of his tongue, the bouncing of his leg, and most of all, his shaking head and perturbed exhales.

"I saved you a muffin. It's in the fridge. I know that's how you like it . . Soup's in there too," the offer comes out slowly and off his forked tongue, one I know all too well. Perhaps it hadn't made an appearance yet, but it was right there, waiting. "No 'thank you, Harry' or 'how was work, my fiance?'"

"How was work, Harry? Who all asked about me? What lie did you tell them this time, my fiance?" I nearly retort, not afraid to show my horns. The lid to the jar of nuts gets stuck, but with a good twist, I get it. Pouring a handful into a plastic container, I let the next one fly before turning around. "What'd they say when you told them about our dead baby?"

The trained facade on his face washes away upon turning and quickly I realize what I've done. It's not enough though, because time has been against me for its entirety.

"You don't get to act like this. It's not okay to say that kind of shit, Becks," he tuts, wiping a napkin across his lips before standing with bowl in hand.

"But it's okay for you to go back to work already, Harry?!" the question explodes on my lips, but the volcano isn't quite done. "Our baby hasn't even been gone a month."

"You think I don't know that?!" his voice echoes off the walls around us, hitting my ears with an intensity that surprises me. If that hadn't, the expression on his face does. The anger that melts into something else. "Do you think I don't know how long our daughter's been gone, Rebecca? I wake up every morning with a new number in my head, no matter how hard I try not to. I know, okay? Twenty-three days our baby's been gone, Becks. You think I'm not having the same thoughts- feelings just because I don't show them . . And I'm not pulling a 'who has it worse' like our parents always have with us, but- but I lost a baby too, Becks! I also lost a child and you seem to forget that. I was supposed to become a dad in August to a little girl, but I never will now. I'll never meet our Phoebe Anne either."

His cheeks had long ago come to glisten as did his eyes that overflowed with them. I didn't remember mine becoming the same. Was it when something fell apart in my chest, or when the anger melted away into utter guilt? Maybe it was in between the missing puzzles piece falling into the picture and being unaware to dropping the bowl back onto the counter.

"We named her and we've never even called her that and- . . for lack of better words, it kills me. All of this fucking kills me, Becks, and I know how it's doing the same to you. It's taking you away from me and it's almost worse than the night I thought you were going to die, because I'm supposed to be able to control this. I'm the dad, almost the husband- I'm supposed to be able to fix all of this, but I can't. For once, I can't fucking make it all better and it terrifies me . . ," he trails off, crying quietly into his hands that he presses to his face. A weakness overwhelms me and I back up into the counter, afraid I can't hold myself up, but I already hadn't been able to. "Phoebe's gone and- I can hardly bear it. I know you didn't mean what you said just now, because I told Myles before I came that . . that I couldn't talk about it to anybody, Becks. If somebody had I know I would've started crying, because I did the fucking second I saw the sonogram on my desk. I went in to grab something and forgot it was there," he stops, holding onto the countertop as his adam's apple bobs after his words. Red like wild cherries, his lips press together tightly while tears run races over them and down his chin, as he stares at the floor, whimpering.

"I don't want this to break us, Becks- I already know it has and I can't . . I can't lose you. I have so many times and I couldn't handle it if it happened again, for real," his voice frays at the edges from the weight it sits under. The pounds of it feel dropped onto my shoulders when his eyes carry over to me, dripping with unspent words. "We lost our baby and I can't lose my best friend and love too, Becks. Please come back to me."

"I wish I knew how," the reply is a mere whisper but I know he hears. Even without words, he always does.

"You have to try, bug. We have to talk about her, I don't want her to be forgotten."

Bottom lip wobbling, my response is immediate, "Neither do I, Harry, but I don't- I don't know how to talk about her. It hurts so much. I still don't want any of this to be real."

Wiping the back of his hand against his nose, I hear his agreement in his eyes as he takes a step forward, "I wish every day that I could wake up and she's there and not . . not gone, but she's not coming back, Becks. And I'm so sorry," weeping, his voice is taken under by the current of the river flowing down his face. "We have to face it . . to talk about her and what happened. Or else, I don't see us getting through this."

When I realize what I'm doing, the look on his face tells all. Something sparks inside of me and I wish that I could stop shaking my head. That I could stop pulling away from him. "I can't, Harry. I'm not . . I'm not ready," I murmur, wishing I could say that I don't know when I will be. I don't because that would be a lie and although I'd broken so many rules already, I didn't want to lie to him.

Placing my back to him, I make my escape and drown out his sobs with the running water of the tub. I don't know if I'll ever be able to talk about her, and I know he's right. If we can't get past this, we may never make it back from it.

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